#(If I don't pass out after school tomorrow and nap)

[documentingmydecentintomadness]

it is 2 am and I am stress eating not because I have something due tomorrow or anything even panic inducing that makes sense, I just have school.

(And crippling anxiety but that's irrelevant)

Do normal ppl just... not panic every sunday night??? Like ik i don't hav3 anything due but ther mere thought of going to school has me shaking

I need therapy-

[lunamochii]

'your love and support is what keeps me going.' oikawa toru x f!reader

"Are you coming? Class is going to start."

You read the message of your friend replied "I am, just buying something." Bowing to the shopkeeper, you exited the shop and prepared your speech on why you are late to your teacher. Thankfully, she just let you in and your friends is eyeing you suspiciosly.

The class went on for an hour and half and with each minute passing by, you can tell your body temperature rising. You thought your fever will go away yesterday since you just stayed all day at your house. You even said no to the date you supposed to have with Oikawa. The moment the class ended, you excused yourself from your friends who wanted to know why you're late, you were never late.

"Shit.." You whine when you felt the throbbing pain inside your head again, you already drink some medicine but it's not doing any good. Looking at yourself at the mirror, you look horrible.

"Are you okay, miss?" Looking up, you notice some first years and you just weakly smiled at them

"I am, thanks." They just nodded and went out of the bathroom, after fixing yourself. You tried your best to get to your classroom, your vision getting blurry and it's like everything is spinning. The moment you open the door of your room, your head began to throb, horribly.

Last thing you heard is the voice of your classmates and friends screaming your name.

The last thing Oikawa wants right now is the attention from his fans, he likes it don't get him wrong but he really wants to focus on their training this time.

"Are you still mad because she declined your date?"

Iwaizumi said when he approach the setter, Oikawa woke him up at the middle of his nap just to cry and whine on how you don't love him anymore. He knows his bestfriend is a lil'bit dramatic so he let him rant and he just went back to sleep.

"We planned it for so long! She knows our schedule doesn't match up so we specifically agreed on that date."

The brunette huff and spike the ball he was holding and let out a sigh, if something came up you would've told him. Iwaizumi stared at his bestfriend before shrugging and returning to practice, some time later there was a commotion at the entrance of th gym

"Please! We need to speak to Oikawa-san!"

"I told you that his busy!"

Coach Nobuteru glared at his captain and Oikawa grimace and went to calm down his 'fans' but before he could speak, your angry bestfriend shove all the girls and glared to Oikawa

"Your girlfriend collapsed!"

He didn't need to get a go signal from his coach and sprinted towards the clinic of their school. He never ran that fast all his life, he was panting, hard, catching his breath as he entered the clinic where he saw you getting check up by the nurse

"Baby.." he manage to blurt out while wiping the sweat off from his face and approach where you are "Rest for 15 minutes first. Oikawa take her home after she take this medicine." He nodded and grab the medicine from the nurse's hand. The nurse excuse herself and slightly close the curtain, enough to cover you and Oikawa.

"Why didn't you tell me?" You look at him and sighs "You have a match coming up, I wouldn't want you catching my sickness."

It's true but you could have inform him, he grab the stool and sat beside you. You laid down on the bed, facing him. Your right hand slowly coming up to cup his cheeks and he groan feeling how hot your palm is.

"I'm sorry. I know we've been looking forward for our date yesterday... I'm so-"

"Shush it doesn't matter. All that matters is you'll be healthy and energetic again, okay? Now, rest. I'll go get our things, when I come back you'll take this medicine and we'll go home, okay?"

Even if you are wearing a facemask, he can still see your smile. He lean forward and kiss your forehead and almost curse when he felt his lips get burn. Even if he misses the practice tomorrow, he'll nurse you back to help. He won't get weak just by missing a single practice. Plus, when you are all well again he'll have your whole love and support and it's enough to fuel his desire to win everything in life.

[luke-hughes43]

surprise | luke and stella

this takes place like barely 2 months into them dating. and is really cute bc they are both still in that awkward phase.

~

stella's pov

so for columbus day weekend, i'm heading to michigan for a tournament and a visit with the softball program too. i was hoping to get to see luke but the timing of my games, his games, and then going to ann arbor, it just isn't working out.

but that's ok. i'm coming out for thanksgiving to see him anyways.

mom is coming with me to michigan and ellen offered to pick us up. i take a quick nap on the plane because as soon as we land, we're heading to the field.

it is borderline too cold for softball so i have my under layers on. i'm playing centerfield and in the leadoff position. we have a double header tonight and then a double header tomorrow. so lots of softball. and then sunday will be play until you lose and then i have my michigan visit on monday.

i'm hoping to be able to surprise luke at his game tomorrow night but we'll see how i feel. anyways, the game starts and it's going good. i'm getting good hits and making the plays in the field.

i get up in the 5th inning and bunt to get on. then i get the steal sign and take off for second base. i slide into the base and my cleat gets caught in the base and my knee twists. i hold my knee while staying on the base and the umpire calls time.

i still haven't gotten up yet and so my coach comes running out, "what's wrong? are you ok?"

"i twisted my knee when my foot touched the base. i think i'm good, i just need a second." i say and get up to my knees. i finally stand and just walk around a little bit. i do a little jog and tell my coach, "i'm good coach. hurts but i'm good."

"are you sure? i can sub you out so that you're good for the next game." he double checks. I nod, "i'm good."

he nods and goes back to the dugout and i get set at the base. the game goes on and we win the first game 4-2. my knee hurts the rest of the first game and all of the second game but i power through.

in between games, i'm icing my knee and both bella and avery (my bestest friends in the whole world) come over to me. bella asks, "are you ok stella?"

i nod and say, "yea. just hurts a little bit but i'll be ok."

avery says, "ok." and they just sit with me while i ice my knee and we gossip about everything going on at school before we have to get ready for the second game.

the second game goes fine, we win 2-1 but my knee kills. as soon as i get back to the dugout i take my cleats off and put ice on my knee. we had the last game of the night so i don't rush to get out. i lay on the ground with my knee propped up on the bench and ice my knee.

after i don't even know how much time passes, my mom comes in to the dugout and says, "hey honey. how's the knee?"

"it hurts but i'll be fine." i say with my eyes closed.

"ok. do you need anything from me?" she asks. i shake my head and then she continues, "ok. well honey, please hurry up. you have someone who wants to see you. and i think coach is waiting for you."

i nod and finally get up. i'm confused as to who would be here to see me but she does have a point that coach probably wants to talk with the whole team there. i put my sneakers on and grab my bag to head over to the team huddle. as i leave the dugout, i hear what sounds like my boyfriend say, "hey there superstar."

i turn and make eye contact with luke. he's here. oh my fucking god he's here. oh my god. i run over and hug him. he holds me tightly and kisses my head. i say against his chest, "i've missed you."

"i've missed you too stella."

we both pull away form the hug just enough to kiss each other. i smile into the kiss and hold him tight to me, not wanting to let go. i hear my coach yell, "zegras, let's go! kiss your boyfriend on your own time!" the girls giggle and so do i. i peck his lips and he says, "go. i'll wait right here for you."

i nod and hobble over to the team. the girls are giggling and bella elbows me. i smile and nod and listen to coach debrief the game. to be honest, i'm not actually listening. the only thing on my mind is luke luke luke.

i zone back just in time to hear coach dismiss us. i go straight back over to luke and into his arms again. not only because i've missed him so much but it's also cold as fuck. while holding me, luke asks, "how's your knee baby?"

"i'm fine. it hurts a little bit but i'll be ok. nothing i can't handle." i say into his chest. after like a minute, he asks, "are the two girls who are looking here every 30 seconds bella and avery?"

"yea." i respond quietly. i turn and wave them over. i say to luke, "and now you're about to meet them. bella is a guard dog and avery is really shy."

he nods and they come over. i say to them, "bella and avery, this is luke my boyfriend. luke, this is bella and avery. my best friends."

avery says quietly, "it's nice to meet you." luke smiles at her and bella says, "nice to meet you luke."

"you guys too. stella talks a lot about you guys. really good things." he says with a smile. avery smiles but bella's face remains the same, she's not impressed. she's very protective of me. she says, "so how do you expect to make long distance work luke? i know it's hard and i'll be the one picking up the pieces if you break her heart."

"i don't plan on breaking her heart. i know it's hard but we text almost everyday, we call twice a week. and have some trips planned to see each other. i promise bella, i really like her and i really wanna make this work with her. whatever it takes."

"good. because i have a bat and i will fly to michigan to hit you with it if you break her heart." bella threatens. i giggle and luke nods, "understood. plus, her brother is best friends with mine. if i break her heart, trevor knows where i live and will kill me."

"fair enough. you're acceptable." bella says and winks at me. luke smiles and holds me tight. my mom walks over and says, "hey honey. i'm gonna meet up with ellen and catch up. you're welcome to come but i imagine that you wanna stay with luke. he's welcome to come to the hotel tonight but he can't stay over. i'll text you when i'm on my way back. do you guys need a ride?"

luke shakes his head, "no thanks mrs. zegras. i drove here so i can take her back, it's not a problem." she smiles and heads off. luke tights his arm that's around me and i say, "i think we should go soon because it's cold and my knee hurts."

luke smiles, "we will stel. bella, avery, it was great meeting you guys and i hope to get to see you guys again. i'm gonna get her back to the hotel to rest and i might see you tomorrow but i don't know yet."

they both nod and we walk off to luke's car. he opens the door and helps me in like a gentleman. he starts the car and hands me the aux cord. i start playing music and he makes the short drive to the hotel.

once we get there, we go up to the room and i all but collapse on my bed for the night. luke laughs, "comfy?"

"yes. but i need to shower and i want cuddles." i say into the pillow. he chuckles, "go shower. then we can cuddle and you can ice your knee."

i nod and take a quick shower. i quickly change and immediately get into bed with luke. he pulls me tight into him and i rest my head on his chest. i say in almost a whisper, "i wish we got to this more often."

"me too. i hate that our time is always so limited." he responds. he rubs my back softly and kisses my head. i wrap my arm around him and cuddle as close to him as i can. i say, "yea. but next year we'll be on the same campus and you'll be so much closer."

"i know. just have to get there." he says. i nod and we just lay together in the silence. i must've fallen asleep because i woke up the next morning to my alarm blaring and luke gone.

here's to another day of softball.

(thinking this deserves a part 2 no?)

[jr-acrux101]

Rebirth - Ch. 6 :

Avoidance

Word Count: 1.7k

Summary: Unfortunate events and avoiding are in pursuit.

The weekend passed, and the girls stayed inside, Bella stayed mostly at Aurora's just watching scary movies, doing homework-Aurora writing down her answers since it was her right hand that took the injury- and Bella learning how to cook. Charlie stayed there for a few hours of the day when he wasn't at work or headed to sleep. Amora and him scheduled their next date for Wednesday. They were both liking each other's presence at home.

Sunday night, Bella and Aurora were in her bed after Bella got back from her and Charlie’s Sunday night dinner at her dad’s favorite diner.The girls were lying down, looking at Aurora's light up stars. Bella, facing Aurora, spoke hesitantly, "Why hasn't Jasper showed up?"

Aurora froze, that question had plagued her mind since she was in the hospital.

"I have no idea."

"Do you really like him?"

"I think so."

"Love him?"

Aurora giggled, "I don't know about love. It's only been a week, Bella."

Bella chuckled, "Okay. Okay. Do you think you can love him?"

She smiled softly, "I think so. I've never been in love before, but I'm sure it first feels like this." Bella nodded, the duo nodding off to sleep. Neither of the girls noticed the two pairs of yellow eyes in the tree line

The girls got up in the morning and slowly started to get dressed. They headed down stairs where Amora and Charlie, for some “unknown” reason, he stayed the night this night, were waiting, breakfast ready.

"Good morning girls, who would you rather have to take to work?"

The teenagers shared a glance,"Which one do you think is the least embarrassing?"

"Oh I don't know, I think they tie." Aurora nodded to Bella's statement.

Amora took a mock offense, "Why I never."

Bella shrugged, "Honestly either or is fine."

"Yeah it doesn't matter."

"Okay, I'll take you guys. You just have to leave a bit earlier, and Charlie will take you home since I have to get out later. A faculty meeting." Everyone nodded. Amora finished the coffee, made a new one, and put a cigarette next to it.

Everyone headed out the front door saying bye to Jacinda, who just woke up from her nap. The girls headed to the jeep and got in, "Oh todays the field trip, right? You're going?"

Aurora nodded, a little excited, "Yeah, honors chem is tagging along, I think the teacher just wants a break and will somehow incorporate it into tomorrow's lesson."

They arrived at school just in time, the bell rang, and the girls headed to the front where the teachers said to meet. Amora gave Aurora a kiss on the head and a smile and waved to Bella and headed off inside. The front started to get packed. Bella was whisked away by Tyler, Aurora followed a bit after noticing the older girl was missing.

"Yes, actually Aurora's coming with me to Phoenix during that time."

Aurora glanced at her and nodded. "Oh yeah, nonrefundable tickets. Sorry."

Tyler nodded and left. The girl shared a look and held back laughter. After almost accidentally killing them, he was asking Bella out to prom? The teacher called for them to hurry and get on the bus. Aurora sat with Jasper and Bella with Edward.

Their eyes met, and she gave a small smile. He returned with a curt nod. The two sat in silence, with Jasper not wanting to talk and Aurora not knowing what to say.

They slowly walked through the green house, Jasper glancing at Aurora's shoulder every so often. "So how was your weekend?" Aurora tried to break the silence.

"It was fine."

Aurora furrowed her eyebrows, "That's good."

He gave another curt nod, and they continued their walk. Aurora saw Edward storm off and Bella behind him. She hurried her pace and heard the two last lines.

"No, our bus is full!" Edward said harshly. Edward was about to bump into Bella's broken wrist when Aurora pulled her towards her.

"Watch it asshat!"

Edward's head snapped, and Alice and Jasper's eyes widened. "In case you didn't see when you saved us with your inhuman speed, Bella's wrist is broken, and I'm sure a shove from you won't make it better. I'm sure you also have some weirdly inhuman strength too." Aurora grumbled the last sentence to herself. She tugged Bella along to the other bus and flipped Edward off as they left.

"Dick face." Jasper huffed out a laugh.

The two rushed into the bus, towards the back. "Did you have to call him an asshat?"

"If he didn't want to be called that, he shouldn't be acting like that."

Bella shrugged. She had a point. The field trip took up the school day. The girls got off the bus and listened to their respective teachers. Aurora and Jasper stood next to each other, not talking. Once he dismissed them, Aurora walked to Bella without sparing a glance to Jasper. Fine, if he wanted to be hot one day and cold then the next, Aurora won't even acknowledge him.

Now, don't get Jasper wrong. He wanted to go and talk to Aurora and visit her in the hospital and at her house, but the problem was Edward. He was too wishy washy with his feelings. Jasper knew Aurora was it for him, and well, he assumed it could be the same for Edward. He had more of a problem sorting and figuring out what to do. Plus, in all honesty, he had to control his blood lust. Yes, the scent of her blood was intoxicating, but he had to cease his growing appetite.

Jasper walked towards Edward. 'Asshat.' Edward looked over to him.

"What the fuck did you just think."

"You read my thoughts." 'Asshat.'

Alice laughed, she knew what Jasper said, 'Asshat.' Edward snapped his head over to her and groaned. Of course, Jasper would pick a feisty one.

"Can you guys stop?"

'Asshat.' 'Asshat.' He groaned again.

Bella and Aurora waited at the steps waiting for Charlie to get them.

"So you like him huh?"

"Who?" Aurora gave her a look.

"Mister asshat over there."

Bella chuckled and shrugged, "Yeah, maybe if he stops being an asshat."

Aurora laughed,"There you go! Finally admitting it huh?"

"What about you? What's going on with blondy?"

"Um, I have no idea. Oh, can you believe he still has my sketchbook and hasn't returned it yet. Could've this weekend or even today or all the other days of him teasing me, but no."

"Double asshat?"

"Double asshat," Aurora nodded solemnly. They sighed and saw the Cullens drive off. Charlie pulled in about 10 minutes later.

He got out of the car and opened it up for the girls. "Alright, come on in, I'll drop you guys off home and go back to work."

He pulled up in front of Aurora’s house and opened the doors for them, Jacinda was waiting with some chicken soup and rice. The girls ate, as Jacinda practically forced them, and went to Aurora’s room.

The girls laid on the floor and listened to Aurora's playlist. After listening to music, doing some homework, and eating dinner all together, Charlie and Bella finally head to their house to change, freshen up, and sleep. They all agreed to stay with Amora, taking them to school and Charlie picking them up until Bella's hand healed.

Aurora and Bella got to school the next morning, tired. The duo waved goodbye and headed to their classes. Aurora sat next to Jasper, neither of them acknowledging the other's presence. Each period, and day after day till the next Thursday came. After lunch in their class together, Aurora finally spoke.

"You still have my sketchbook, I'd like it back by tomorrow."

Jasper looked over at her, her hair and slightly got longer by a centimeter, her eyes still pools of honey brown, and her adorable cheeks still had the same freckles and blush.

"Okay." Aurora nodded, as did Jasper.

Lunch came, and Bella pulled Aurora to the side. "He spoke to me, like full-on conversation, and dodged my questions." Aurora was a little envious, seeing as Jasper still didn't talk to her.

"What did you ask?"

"How did he and Jasper manage to make that run?" Aurora nodded along it was fucking strange and strange that no one batted an eyelash.

Aurora and Bella headed to Jessica and Angela. "So we're going to La Push you guys in?"

"Um."

"Am I supposed to know what that means?"

"It's the beach on the reservation."

Aurora nodded as did Bella. An idea popped up, and she went towards Edward in the lunch line. Aurora rolled her eyes at the apple trick, cliché. She looked towards her right, and Jasper was looking at her. She blushed and turned away. He had no right to look at her or make her blush, 'Jerk.'

The bell rang, and Aurora headed to Ap Art. Alice smiled at her at least, and she smiled back. Aurora sat at the end of the big table and Alice on the corner right.

It was uneventful. Alice didn't speak to her either, which made her even sadder. Once the bell rang, she shot out of class. As she turned the hallway corner, she bumped into longer blonde hair. It was Rosalie. Great.

"Oh shit sorry."

"It's fine. Accidents happen." Aurora wanted to cry; it was too much for her.

She blinked back the tears and nodded. "Well, excuse me."

Rosalie grabbed her right hand. "Wait."

Aurora looked at her, eyes still a little teary and a little red now. "I'm sorry."

Aurora tilted her head, "For what?"

"For my brother, and well, other brother. I thought you guys were a good match, and I kinda liked you."

Aurora wanted to cry even more. "Yeah, well, your brothers didn't think so. Thank you, though." Aurora pulled her hand away and went towards the building's exit. Jasper stood with Alice, who watched the whole thing. Rosalie glared at them and walked away to find Emmett.

Aurora got home and closed the door. She played her music and laid next to Bella. The tears started to fall, and Bella noticed. Silently, Bella grabbed Aurora's right hand and gave a gentle squeeze. Aurora gave a squeeze back

Hello!! I passed my exam yall so a celebratory chapter to post lol, hope yall enjoy <3

[gloomzombie]

I'll Bury You For This

Pairing: Jeff The Killer X Male Reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 4,122

Chapter Two: Boys Don't Cry

Ch. 1

I jolted awake at the sound of the USA national anthem playing. I groaned loudly, my hands roaming the bed for my phone. I picked it up and stopped the music. Goodnite Dr. Death? I thought I took that off my playlist..

I rubbed my face and combed my fingers through my hair. I look over at the clock. "Shit." 6:38pm? I went to sleep directly after school. Dammit. This is exactly why I usually don't take naps after school. I stood up and stretched, my muscles sore from the position I fell asleep in.

I looked around the dark room, my eyes not yet adjusted to the absence of light. The sudden noise coming from my stomach makes me realize how hungry I am. 

"Goddammit." I swear, opening my door as quietly as I can. I peak my head out, glaring down the hallway to see the blue light from the tv lighting up the living room. I take a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for if John is awake. I take small, slow steps down the hall so as to not make any sound.

I continue on until I'm by the edge of the wall, peeping around it. I couldn't help the sigh of relief from coming out of my mouth. He's asleep, his mouth slack open- saliva trailing down his lip onto the couch cushion. Gross.

I keep my footsteps at a low volume, but I quicken my pace as I walk to the kitchen. I look around and decide to settle for a few snacks and the water I didn't finish in my room. I take a few granola bars and a muffin, then make my way back to my room silently.

I drop the snacks down onto the bed and go back to the door, shutting it as quiet as I can. I sit down on my bed and take my book out of my backpack.

I ripped open the plastic off of the granola bar, taking a bite as I opened the book to the page I left off on.

Hours go by without me being aware of it. I can always spend hours upon hours with just a book. Reading takes me away from everything and gives me a different reality to be caught up in, if only temporarily. 

Sometimes I'll catch myself daydreaming about if I were a character in the book. Whether I be a student in Harry Potter, a half-blood in Percy Jackson, or a vampire in Twilight, everything in books seems much better than the reality I live in; the reality I have to deal with.

I try not to daydream because of it. What's the point in wishing for something when you know it's not going to happen? That'll only end up in disappointment, and red and swollen eyes, which isn't pleasant.

It's 10:48 pm by the time I put my book down. I didn't realize how tired I was getting until then. I yawned, rubbing my eyes. I feel tired, but I don't really want to go to sleep. 

I hate going to sleep because tomorrow is another day. Another day filled with endless questions and people. Godawful people. 

I put my book back in my bag and lie down on the bed. The covers were shoved aside from earlier so I pulled them over my torso. I take my phone and go on instagram.

I scroll through my homepage a bit, getting bored of that rather quickly. I bite my lip and decide to go to Xander's page. A foolish decision that was.

He posted on his story 10 minutes ago. I could feel my heart beating in my chest as I pushed myself to watch it. I stare at the screen without letting myself process what I'm watching. 

It doesn't surprise me, but it doesn't make me happy. Haley or Jade or whoever he said the girl was that he went home with, was in his lap. Xander had taken photos of her kissing him and a few with her basically chewing on his neck.

I let the last story pass and am met with his page once more. I sigh a shaky breath. I didn't even realize how my eyes started to tear up. 

I shake my head as if to pull myself together and wipe the tears away before they could fall. I make sure my alarm is set before putting my phone down and laying my head down on my pillow. 

I let the stray tears pricking at my eyes fall down onto the cotton pillow sheet as I pull my covers over my shoulders. I already know the nightmare is coming before I let sleep take over me.

August 20. 7:15am.

I’ve sat laying in bed for a while now. I woke up 15 minutes before my alarm and I didn’t see a point in going back to sleep. The past week has gone by in a blur, most of it spent doing the smallest worksheets and keeping to myself- well, for the most part. I’ve been getting closer to Gage, which is good timing since Xander is barely talking to me. 

The buzzing of my phone pulls me out of my reminiscing. I sit up immediately, getting a little dizzy. I wait for my vision to come back before wiping my forehead. God, I sweat so bad last night. 

I turn and kick my feet over the bed, getting up slowly so as to not get dizzy again. I sigh. At least today’s Friday. I push myself to move to my drawers, taking out a simple outfit for today. I don’t feel like dressing up.

I go to the bathroom and take a shower. After drying most of my hair with a towel, I put my clothes on which is just another band tee and oversized jeans. I didn’t bother to put on any jewelry, but I put on a black studded belt. If I didn't, the jeans were bound to fall down eventually.

I looked into the mirror, gazing at my reflection for a bit. I moved my hands up to my head and ruffled my hair a bit to let the layers show a bit more. I walked out of the bathroom and looked down the hallway. 

The blue light of the tv had been shut off, meaning John moved to his room. I quietly took my backpack from my room and hurried over to the door. I glanced over at the kitchen and decided to skip breakfast. I’ll just wait until lunch to eat there.

I slip my shoes on and open the door as quietly as I can, keeping my eyes locked down the hallway. I manage to leave the house without waking John up for once.

8:08am.

I make my way to school and to first period. Though I didn’t have to deal with John like I usually do, I’m still feeling very sluggish. It’s going to take a lot of time getting used to school again.

Just like every other day, I took out my phone and earbuds, stuck them in my ears, and listened to music. I don’t know how I’d live without it. I turn it up more, the sounds of screaming and electric guitars filling my ears and effectively shutting out unwanted thoughts.

I felt a light tap on my shoulder and looked up to see Lily’s pale face. I pause my music. “A little more tame today, I see,” She teased, nodding at my shirt. 

I felt a heat rush to my cheeks as I had to look down at my shirt again today. Linkin Park. “Oh, yeah I just threw this on.” I chuckled, a little embarrassed of how little I paid attention to what I put on earlier. 

“Well still, so far you’ve proven that you have a good taste in music,” Her ruby red lips curved up into a smile, and I couldn’t help but smile back. “Thanks.” I look down at her shirt. Motionless In White.

“Seems like you do too,” I looked back up at her, her brown eyes meeting mine once more. She moved her hand up to cover her mouth. “Thank you..Do you maybe want to hang out later? My older brother's band is playing a gig at 6.”

I chewed on my bottom lip, a nervous habit I picked up a few years ago. “Yeah, sure. Where’s it gonna be?” She took the seat beside me and scooched closer to mine. 

“It’s at a bar. My brother’s been going there since he turned 21 and because he’s friends with the guy that owns the place, he managed to get him to let me come with a plus one as long as we don’t drink.” I could see a hint of mischief in her eyes, and her smile looked more like a smirk now.

I raised an eyebrow. Is that allowed? Obviously not, but.. “Cool. I’m in.” Lily’s smirk turned back into a sweet smile. She pushed her chair away. “Awesome. Give me your number so I can text you the address.” 

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and tapped on the contacts, then handed it to me. I typed in my number, put my name in, and gave it back. “Oh, Stacy’s here. Talk later?” Lily looked over towards where her friend was sitting.

“Yeah, of course.” She smiled and turned, going over to sit with Stacy. I sighed, looking around the room. Mostly everyone was here, besides Xander, a few other people, and Ms. Johnson.

I look down at my phone. The clock read 8:20. Ten minutes left and the teacher still isn’t here? She sure is making a habit of being late. I look back up after resuming my music. 

Oh that’s great. Jeff trudged into class, almost stomping to the chair next to mine. I watched him as he took his seat and rested his head on the desk. I bit my tongue, resisting the urge to mess with him this morning. I’ve been making a habit of meaninglessly flirting with him to bother him, but I don’t think I should when he seems tired already. See? I’m a nice person.

I tore my gaze away from the boy next to me and focused on listening to the song, which was now AmEN! by Bring Me the Horizon. I didn’t think I’d like it, as it has a rapper on it but it’s actually really good. I especially love how Oli brought back some growls like in one of their earlier albums, Suicide Season. 

After that song passes, the next has barely started before Ms. Johnson comes into the room in a rush. “I’m so sorry, students! I- uh,” she fails to find words as she puts her things down on her desk. She looks up at the class. 

“I just got caught up in traffic. You can have more time to work on that word search.” She sat down and conversations started up around the classroom. I shrugged and put my playlist on again. 

I had already turned in my millionth word search yesterday, so I took out my sketchbook. It’s obvious I won’t be learning anything in this class this year since that’s all she’s given us this whole week. I flipped to a blank page and started to draw. I spent the rest of first period drawing and listening to music, it was actually really nice.

The bell rang and I stood up, closing my sketchbook and shoving it in my backpack. I make my way to the door, walking out. I walk to my locker, music still blasting in my ears. 

A hand pulls out one of my earbuds and I look up. “The fuck is your problem?” I immediately snapped without registering who I was looking at. I looked her up and down. It was the girl I saw on Xander’s story the other night.

“Oh..sorry.” I apologize before she can. I take my phone out of my pocket and pause my song. “No, no. I shouldn’t have done that,” She avoids eye contact and shoves her hands into the pockets of her striped jacket. 

“It’s fine,” I lied, “What’s up?” I kept my expression as emotionless as I could. I don’t know why, but I feel hostile towards her. “Um. I know you’re Xanny’s best friend. Do you know why he isn’t here today?” 

I have to stop myself from giving her a rude look. Xanny? Seriously? “Nah, sorry. He hasn’t been talking to me much lately, so I wouldn’t know.” I put the earbud she snatched out back in. 

“Oh. Well, thanks anyways. I’ll see you around.” She turned to leave, but I reached and grabbed her wrist. “Wait, what was your name?” I asked. It slipped my mind Monday, when he mentioned her. 

She turned back and I let go of her. “Jade.” I nodded. “Nice to meet you.” I couldn’t care less about her. Jade smiled. “You too.” She turned and I let her go. 

12:11pm.

I sighed as I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. No one else was in here and I was really exhausted. I should’ve taken my meds today. I feel like shit and I want to leave.

I would rather be dead than be caught skipping though, especially when it's still the first week. I took a deep breath and left the bathroom, making my way to the cafeteria. 

As I walk in, I scan the room. I see Gage sitting alone and couldn’t help but smile. I walked over to him, not paying attention to the people that looked at me.

He doesn’t notice me approaching so I come up behind him and place my hands on his shoulders. I smirk as he jumps a little under my touch. “Hey, pretty boy,” I whispered in his ear.

He shudders. How cute. “Oh, h-hey.” He stuttered. I move from behind him to sit in front of him. “How’s your day been?” I asked, placing my elbows on the table. 

“Eh. It’s been pretty boring so far. I haven’t really made any friends or anything and the work’s been easy.” He took a bite of his sandwich and frowned at me. “Do you not have any food?” 

My smile dropped. “Oh. Yeah, I guess not. I was gonna just eat the food here, but I didn’t anticipate it to be as gross as it is today.” I looked down and fiddled with my fingers.

A chocolate chip cookie was placed in front of me and I looked back up at him. “I know it’s not much, but you can have it. My mom always packs them for me, but I don’t really like chocolate chips.” I couldn’t resist Gage’s soft smile. I sighed. “Thanks. That’s really sweet, why haven’t you told your mom you don’t like them?” I ask as I take a bite of the cookie. 

“I just don’t want to upset her. She’s been packing them in my lunches everyday since middle school, and I think if I tell her I’m not eating them she’ll get upset that I’m growing up or something.” He looked down, a blush grazing his cheeks. 

“It’s silly.” He added. I tilted my head. “It’s not. I think it’s sweet you’re thinking about your mom’s feelings.” My mom died when I was 3, so I never really had her pack lunches for me. 

Sometimes I think about how things would be different if I did have her growing up. I don’t remember how she was, or how she looked. John threw out everything that reminded him of her as soon as he could, he told me that himself before he started losing his memory- and I’ve yet to find anything that could’ve belonged to her.

Gage looked back up at me with a sweet smile. The blush on his cheeks had reddened a bit, but he didn’t seem to mind. “You think?” He bit his lip. I smiled back at him. 

“Yeah. I think so.”

1:32pm

I got to History later than I wanted, because the teacher was assigning math homework. I get it was going to happen soon, but I'm already sick of math. I walk in and Jeff is already in his seat.

I sigh and make my way over to mine, putting my stuff down as I sit. I take out my sketchbook again, turning to the page I had already started on today. As I started to add details to what I already drew, I could feel a pair of eyes boring into the side of my head. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” I suggested, keeping my focus on the page.

I heard him scoff. “I’m just making sure you don’t draw me again.” I stopped and looked over at him. He was staring at me, not the paper. I raised an eyebrow. “Uh huh, that’s why you’re so interested in what I look like and not the paper.” 

His face scrunched up, his eyes squinting. “Well, I was looking at it until you opened your big mouth.” I chuckled, scooching my chair closer to his. “Yeah, let’s both pretend that you don’t think I’m attractive.” 

I move my hand up to his face and tuck his hair behind his ear. I was expecting him to move away like he’s been doing, but I felt his fingers wrap around my wrist. Now it was my turn to be confused. 

“Yeah, Y/N. I just didn’t think you’d feel the same about me.” He whispered, his voice dropping a bit. I exhaled sharply, my heartbeat racing. “Well, you clearly thought wrong.” I found my voice and his other hand found itself tangling into my hair.

He yanked my head closer to his, my face inches away from him. I can’t imagine how red my face must be right now. I knew he was just messing with me like I’ve been doing to him, but I couldn’t help but feel so flustered by his actions.

His pale blue eyes locked onto mine and stayed there. I sighed and pulled myself out of his grasp, moving my chair back in place. He started laughing as I tried to even out my breathing. “Looks like he can’t handle it when someone plays his game against him” 

I rolled my eyes. “I can, you just haven’t done that before and it caught me off guard.” I looked down at my desk, my heart still pounding beneath my chest. Suddenly I could feel his breath on my ear.

“Sure thing, pretty boy.” He whispered and I had to stop myself from shuddering.”Have something you want to share with the class, Mr. Woods?” I didn’t even notice when the teacher walked in the room.

He pulled back, suddenly very awake now. “Nope, not at all Mr. Smith.” a few girls giggled at his response. Mr. Smith shrugged and went back to writing on the whiteboard. 

I looked back over at him and his eyes met mine. He winked then looked at the board. So he’s really gonna do this? Lord have mercy. I’ve gotta get used to this if I want to keep messing with him. 

2:58pm

The next class seemed to last forever, I was glad when it was over, being one of the first students to leave. I went over to my bike, picking it up and getting on.

The ride to my house was a blur, I wasn’t focused on anything in particular. I just wanted to get home. 

I make it home and I set my bike down outside, taking my keys out of my pocket and opening the door. I look around and notice John wasn’t there. I let out a sigh of relief. 

I go to the kitchen, looking around for something I can eat. There was nothing around that I really wanted, but my eyes landed on John’s wallet. I pondered the idea for a moment, and decided why the hell not.

As much as I hate to say it, he’s my dad which means technically I should be allowed to use his card for food since he can’t do it himself. I go through it and take his card out, shoving it in my back pocket. 

I put his wallet down where I found it and made my way to my room. I set my bag down and pull my phone out of my pocket. I had two messages from  a number I didn’t recognize. 

I opened it. ‘Hey !! It’s Lily. The bar’s address is…’, ‘Oh and you should try and wear something less teenage looking. I still think it’s a good idea to look as old as possible.’

I saved her number in my phone and sighed. I closed and locked my door, walking over to my full length mirror. These pants should be fine, but I should put on a different shirt. 

I go to my dresser and look through my shirts, carefully picking out which one wouldn’t scream angsty teenager. It was a Metallica shirt, so it should work. It doesn’t scream angsty teenager from this year. 

I slipped my Linkin Park shirt off and replaced it with the Metallica one. 

I went to the bathroom, taking a good look in the mirror. I guess I shouldn’t put on any makeup. I wonder if we’re going to be drinking tonight. I know she said the owner didn’t want us to, but you never know what happens.

I kinda hope we do, it’s been way too long since I’ve gotten drunk. I go back to my room and plop down on my bed after making sure the door is locked. I check the time on my phone.

I’ve still got a few hours until I have to be at the bar, but I don’t want to be alone with John again today. I go through my contacts and click on Gage’s. I got it on Tuesday, when I was teasing him about not giving it to me. 

He blushed and just blurted it out. I didn’t even mean for him to do it, but I’m very glad I got it. I send him a text saying: ‘Hey Gage, it’s Y/N. Do you wanna hang out for a bit?’ 

Not even a minute later, I get a text back. ‘Sure! What do you wanna do?’ I catch myself smiling at my phone. I’m happy that I have someone to spend time with.

‘Do you have a DVD player?’ ‘Yeah, what’re you thinking?’ ‘Maybe we can watch that movie I talked to you about, the one about the demon?’ ‘That’d be cool! Need me to come pick you up?’ 

I thought about it, chewing on the skin on my bottom lip. It’d be nice to ride with him, but that’d probably mean John would want to meet him..

‘Nah, I can take my bike there. What’s your address?’ I get up and take my backpack, shoving some clothes in it along with my deodorant, hairbrush, and other small stuff. 

After he sent me the address, I asked him if I could come spend the night after I left the bar. I told him about my plans earlier at lunch, so he already knew I was going.

I couldn’t help but get excited when he said I could. I haven’t been out of the house in way too long and it’s been killing me. After so long of having to answer my dad’s constant string of repeated questions and having so many arguments with him, it started driving me crazy.

I sling my backpack onto one shoulder, heading out my room to the bathroom. I take my toothbrush and my meds, putting them in the backpack as well.

I walk to the front door, placing the bag down. I make sure John’s card and my phone are in my pockets before letting out a deep sigh. I make my way back down the hall and to his door.

I open it to see him sleeping on his bed, a pile of what I assume to be dirty clothes on the corner of it. “Dad?” I push myself to shove him awake. His eyes roll open lazily. 

“Huh? What is it?” I took a deep breath. “Can I spend the night at Xander’s tonight?” I asked. I knew he wouldn’t know who Gage is, and I really don’t feel like explaining to him right now. 

He knows who Xander is, surprisingly, I guess because I’ve known him for so long. He groaned, turning over to the other side. “Yeah, go ahead.” I smiled. “Thanks.” He grumbled a “You’re welcome” and I left.

[theghostus]

Day 95

By now y'all know this is my personal blog. Putting all my feelings and thoughts down.

Still no income. Brightside...I will probably start my new job at a school after Eid. Y'all think, hey, that's good news. Dude, not to my savings account, it ain't. Borrowing money and moving money for the past 5 months. Each month the bills take a HUGE bite into my savings. Not counting the necessities like food and feminine products. So yeah. I'm hella worried. Last December really took a toll on my mental health when the insurance companies asked for their yearly payment. That sucks eggs, man. Oh another thing, my phone has that infamous green line in the middle of my screen. It will cost me a new phone just to get it repaired. Even after repair, it has only a 1-month warranty. FML.

Another thing that weighs heavily on my mind is that bitch of my aunt, aka Dad's sis. She still hasn't sold the Devil's home. I mean, how can she? The damn place it's as old as me (not telling you how old I am; I'm a millennial that's the only clue I'm giving). No one wants to buy that home for the price she's selling, even though it's 'convenient' etc etc. When I released it to her, it was cleaned and manageable (also, it was after GP passed) Her son is now 30; if I recall correctly, he doesn't need babysitting. So it's her and her husband now. I mean she could downsize her 2-storey flat to save cost. Whatever I digress. Without that money from the sale, I can't do my kitchen. I had 2 quotes from 2 different contractors. Each will cost me almost 6k. Including the changing of the toilet doors. sigh.

My mum's condition is stable and no change over the years. With the "occasionally" and 'normal' sounds of her being strangled by an invisible hand. The sounds coming from her I can only describe would be the sounds if I were to strangle someone.

Mdm Sunflower finally got her goal. She and her husband have a daughter. She came home to them on my birthday. Will need to find out if her girl is a Pisces - they are emotional balls of energy which Mr and Mdm Sunflower are not. Her girl has already proven to be the Lil Diva already, haha. Luckily her girl is a Rabbit - they are kind and social creatures. She will make a great mum. That has been her goal since she got married almost 20 years ago. It seems like yesterday we were talking about our goals and what we wanted to achieve in our life.

Le Bf celebrated our 2nd Vday at a proper restaurant. We didn't celebrate my birthday much coz was trying to balance my mum and him. We ate at a hawker centre (it's a Singaporean eating centre) because his workplace is 1.5 hours away from my flat. He was doing sales, so he couldn't really go anywhere. Plus, I sus he just lazy to plan shit. So he just manages with whatever. Also, I was supposed to meet him early, but I went marketing with Mum in the afternoon and took a nap thinking he could only leave later when he didn't tell me that he had someone at the shop with him to cover. sigh. men.

Then I was thinking of surprising him and celebrating his birthday by bringing him to Gardens by the Bay at night to watch the light show since he had never seen it before. First, he didn't this week tell me he took 3 days off and planned to spend his whole 3 days with his mates and for his social work. I got to know this only yesterday. Secondly, he told me, I think a couple of weeks ago, that he's travelling to Bangkok this week, and his flight is tomorrow at 5am and will be returning to SG on the 10th (again I was told this yesterday when he came over). So he will be in Bangkok from 6 to 10 (for duty and play his words not mine), including on his birthday. So I'm a mix of sad and angry at the moment. Sad I couldn't celebrate his birthday again. Angry, he spends his birthday overseas again. the first time, his friend treated him to a seafood dinner in Malaysia. While I thought he was working when he sent his seafood dinner pics to me. I don't blame him for wanting to have fun with his mates, but sometimes I wonder am I the fool trying to create memories? I'm in two minds of just throwing his present in his face and telling him next time I just wish you HPB. I won't be celebrating his birthday anymore anything since he prefers to spend it with his friends overseas.

Am I being brainwashed by socials with picture-perfect relationships? Am I expecting too much?

[goo-d-tama]

My Flop Era: Is Lowkey Serving | Act 2, Entry #1

31 August 2022

    Remember the guy I met with the first time I rode the train? He's been bugging me the whole week for another meetup. He did say that he's leaving Japan soon the first time we met, but he didn't say that today is his last day.

    Tomorrow is his flight. For more context, he attended college here and has recently graduated. He is going back to Thailand (Surprise! He's Thai. Lol) but will return here next month and stay for four days for the graduation ceremony and paperworks.

    Our paths fork after this. He taught me a lot about trying to fit in Japanese culture as a young foreigner, among many other things, and has become my online friend during my stay here. That's why I call him "P'" (which means "senior" or "senpai" in Thai) despite him being younger than me for a few years.

    So yesterday, I was able to catch a nap in the afternoon and then got bored since The Trinity is now here. That means we can no longer watch TV at night, or even talk loudly.. you know, basically we can't do sh*t pass 10PM. So I sneaked out and met with P'. Well, I sneaked out from The Trinity but I told Meifei and Tia Fei I'm going out for a ride.

    It was the first time I rode a bike since the pandemic so I got tired easily. I think I forgot to tell you, but Pootja handed me down her husband's bike that he is not using. The bike is too small for me though, and so I was not really comfortable. It was about 5km, 20mins ride according to Google Maps but it took me twice that because I took a lot of breaks in between. Lol. Japan has a lot of hills and steep roads, please don't judge.

    The freshman student who will take over P's apartment has moved in yesterday. So we can't do a sleepover there anymore. We went to a park nearby and chatted a little bit, made out a little bit, and blew each other off a little bit. Lol. It was both our first time doing something like that in open public. It was definitely one hell of an experience. Lol.

    Today is Tia Fei's birthday! We (this time with The Trinity) cooked food, bought a cake and some snacks; and are now on our way to a park called Ohori-koen to do a little picnic. I haven't done a proper picnic since I was in grade school. I actually had fun.

    We are concerned for Granpapi because of the weather. The about-to-exit summer season wants to leave a strong impression. See, it is so sunny and humid in the morning to noon, but the temperature will suddenly drop in the afternoon. Sundress to sweater weather real quick! Granpapi is more than 70 years old. So this weather is not optimal for him.

    Anyway, autumn is slowly creeping in. The sunflowers in this park are dying and the leaves on trees are starting to yellow.

    After walking a bit around the park, we took a break at a Starbucks (still in the park. The park is big) and watched the ducks and birds as the sun set while sipping our coffee.

    We went to Fukuoka Tower after that and I still enjoyed it the second time around. If it was just the four of us, we would have stayed a little longer or went to another place; but in the evening, it got so cold that we just ordered take out from Hotto Motto for dinner (I do recommend Hotto Motto. It's everywhere, cheap, fast, and tasty. Very tourist friendly) and went home.

I had so much fun today. Happy birthday, Tia Fei!

Read the whole thing here.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3769

for the 38th time,

nice.

leo sent me a video this morning. i missed his voice.

i got up early to get to the school for proctoring, but i got there and no one was there yet. they didn't arrive until more than two hours later.

(i'm charging them for that.)

mostly because i passed on breakfast to be there on time, because the test times began at 9 and people are instructed to be there half an hour early. so 8:30 makes sense, right? wrong. there were five people today, four of them tested, and none of them showed before 10:45.

it was kind of annoying.

after working and watching over people and applying for jobs and troubleshooting, i went over to the library where i switched out the puzzle and started on it. i got the frame done and two chunks of it. its only a 750 piece, so it's small, but it's dogs in a kitchen making a pizza. it's very cute.

after that i came back to joel's with every intention of stopping for food along the way because i was hungry.

i did not stop.

and i wondered why.

so i texted my sister when i got in and asked how she prevents herself from being obsessive about the calories she consumes and the food she eats.

it's not cut and dry and i know all the facts and information about why not eating is bad for you. she said to focus on my priorities.

it's hard to deal with disordered eating when you're also trying to lose weight. i don't want to develop a full-blown eating disorder.

but i had a cupcake and took a nap and had real food afterward. pasta and meat sauce.

i played games on my phone while sitting beside joel for a while, just chilling and bothering each other every now and then. i've been talking to leo all evening about random shit and then important shit and then random shit again.

i came downstairs and chugged a can of sprite with the intention of eating cookies, but the cookies did not get eaten.

sigh.

tomorrow is regular tutoring.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Monday, January 8th, 2024!

11:32am HCI class this morning, really boring still I regret to inform everyone 😂 no tests this semester, just projects. Easy A but a real brain drain. Not letting the brain drain get to me though! Hopped out of that class (9-11am) and now I'm at Panera getting free coffee (it's chilly out!). I'm going to shoe carnival to use a $15 voucher and also other little errands today. I just realized I'm really hungry (I had 2 prebiotic sodas last night and absolutely BLEW UP this morning so I actually don't think there's anything in my stomach tbh haha). I think I should get a snack bc my stomach will pass start hurting soon. Just checking in! New semesters can be overwhelming so I'm gonna keep coming back here.

11:49am have selected bogo bacon mcdoubles for lunch with my coffee :) eating food is good for you! I am very thankful ❤️

2:34pm lol I went down a rabbit hole and I'm about to be off my phone for the rest of the day. But it's worth it bc I looked on Vividseats and found a $20 after tax ticket to see Company at the Straz tmrw. I have heard of this musical before but didn't know what it was or any of the songs. Omg I didn't the last 1.5 hrs listening to the original Broadway cast recording in my car and investigating the plot and I am very excited!! This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about I had no idea that's what I was going to do today and definitely had no idea I was going to see a Broadway show tomorrow night when I freaking woke up this morning, how do I explain to people that this literally is my hobby. Novelty and new experiences is my hobby. Learning about things is my hobby. Listening to new music is my hobby. Reading about how they are being hot and *controversial* about the gender swap in this revival of a 50+ year old play?? I find this fascinating and I am excited AF now about something I couldn't tell you one lick about this morning. This is my favorite thing to do. This is such a perfect example of my idea of a good time.

Do other people never do things like this?? It's spontaneous, but not expensive or dangerous or retarded, it's just spontaneous and interesting to me personally.

4:05pm I actually went to shoe carnival and used the coupon in their email and got a pair of yellow box sandals for $7 even! Just got home, ate a granola bar and am about to take a nap.

11:45pm I want to text him. I'm ALSO FIVE DRINKS IN LMAO. OFC I wish I had a man to fuck rn. I GOT MYSELF DINNER AND DRINKS!!!! NOW it feels like I've been wined and dined and primed to FUCK. But it's literally just me.... I wined and dined myself bc it's the first day of school, things are stressful and they're bound to be more stressful going forward. I wanted to treat myself before I get depressed AF. Is there another man/ woman here?? Fuck NO. I got ME, MYSELF and I BITCH. Dinner was a delicious pizza from king state and a cocktail and 4 shots while I watched "Hair" so yeah ofc I'm COMFORTABLE AND TURNED ON THAT'S LITERALLY ALL IT FUCKING TAKES I'M NOT DIFFICULT BY ANY FUCKING MEANS. one day there will be a man that understands, but until then it's just me, I got me, I know me better than anyone else. All the men I've met are JUST A DELUSION IN MY MIND BRO I KNOW WHAT I WANT AND I *CLEARLY* HAVE NOT MET HIM YET and that's ok,bc ..... I got ME.

Hopefully this rant has dissuaded me from texting him bc wtf he's SO FUCKED UP EVEN IF HE ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT ME HE'S UNABLE TO FUCKING DO SHIT ABOUT IT. HE'S A BUM ASS BITCH AND CAN'T MEET YOUR STANDARDS!!!!!!! YOU MEET YOUR STANDARDS WHERE YOU ARE EVERY DAMN DAY. HE FUCKED UP AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT HIM ANYMORE. LITERALLY LET HIM ROT ONG BC HIS DUMBASS PICKED A LIL BITCH OVER YOU (A STRONG ASS HO WHO DOESN'T TOLERATE BULLSHIT!!!!!). THE END OMG.

1:34am why TF am I still awake ooooorhhg I am killing myself fr.

[defiantscribe]

Feeling Lost

As the title implies, I'm feeling lost these past few days and it's culminated in me having to write because my brain is just too busy and I'm tired of depression napping.

So, Monday I decided that I didn't want to work so I took a "mental health day" and just decided to sleep in and bum around. Pretty normal for me to do about once a month, twice depending on stress levels. But it also stems from the fact that I'm not enjoying my job. Now, this doesn't mean I hate my job, but I've said it time and again and I'll say it again: I hate having to work.

Work sucks, plain, simple, to the point. I don't like the idea of having to do something for someone else to earn money to just live. I understand that's how the world works, doesn't mean I have to like it. Lately, my biggest complaint with my job is the people calling in and what I feel is them feigning ignorance when it comes to certain things with computers.

I understand there are certain things they aren't going to be well versed in, especially the more elderly people within the org, however it's when I get the 20 something's calling in and acting as if they've never touched a computer in their life and I have to walk them through simple fucking tasks on a computer or getting pushback when I'm attempting to troubleshoot. "Oh I already tried that". Oh really? You're trying it again so I KNOW you did it instead of you pretending you did it because you think you know better.

It's a constant battle with these bankers. I'm not working with the general public (thank fucking god), but it's about as bad some days. The worst is the need for audit paper trails. Anything these people need typically requires a request be filled out as a papertrail back to the need/request. I get it, I just think it's dumb when one team fucks it up and requires the user to do this when they shouldn't have had to in the first place.

So that was Monday.

Monday night we had a pretty bitchin rainstorm pass through our area. Tuesday morning, I get woken up by my son well before my usual wake up time and open my front door to see one of my fucking trees diagonally across my yard. Now, don't get me wrong, was super happy it didn't hit my house, my car or was even in the street, but I now have a very LARGE problem in my front yard.

Contact a tree removal service and spend more than I was comfortable with to have it cut into pieces and removed. Stressed the entire day about the cost of the removal, but they did a good job, gathered up all the bits and hauled it away.

Come Tuesday night, wife comes home after taking son out practice driving and says something's wrong with the car. About to have a spaz, when I ask if she had been running the AC in the car. Running the AC does have a tendency to tax the car's system and cause it to act different. She says yes, so I chalk it up to that.

Wednesday.

First day of school for my kids, so I get up extra early to get my son to school so he can catch a bus to a vocational school as those are where his morning classes are. Get in the car, turn it over, immediately see that it was NOT the AC causing the issue. Something is definitely wrong with my car. Can't really come to full stops as it feels like it's going to die. Get my son to school just fine, come back home, call up my boss and say I'm out again today as I have to get this resolved as it's the only vehicle we have and can't be without.

Spend the morning attempting to call mechanics, but after a few no answers, find a place that says I can bring it by Thursday afternoon and they'll take a look and then talk price. I say fine, but can only imagine what the price tag of this shit is going to be.

Now, I don't have much in the way of savings, but what we did have is quickly being exhausted by all of this BULLSHIT currently happening and I'm losing my fucking mind. Make my appointment, schedule with others to help get my son to school and meet me at the mechanics tomorrow so I can get a ride home, but JFC, I'm so fucking stressed out I took a fucking 5 hour depression nap today because I just could not deal with this. I'm up typing at 2:37 a.m. because I just have to get all of this out of my head, put somewhere because any time I'm looking for sympathy, no one's there and what sympathy I get has the vibe of "oh well, least it's not me, sorry it's happening to you, but not my problem" and that burns.

I just feel like life is doing it's damnedest to try fuck me over and it's getting the best of me right now. And then I'm questioning my direction in life. I'm fast approaching that midlife crisis, but I'm trying to find a way to make it far more…. productive than me getting a fancy car or some other stupid shit.

I've always said family first, work second. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to flip that here soon as my children are far more independent, they're not in sports or musical academics so much anymore and the need to have that kind of flexibility is waned. My wife drives now, so going places isn't dependent upon me, so I have far more ability to not be relied upon for certain things in life and with my son learning to drive, it's going to become even less.

It's hard for me to potentially change my pattern (I have to have some ADHD or Aspergers or something), but I feel like I may have to abandon some of my more favored habits to put change in my life that is necessary. I don't want to, but if I continue this pattern, I'm doing no favors to my family for the most part (or so I believe).

I just really needed to get all of this out as it just sits in my head, stewing like a pot of sauce that never finishes. And not really having anyone beyond my wife, who's going through the same paces, stinks, so I just put it here for anyone to read. No one will, but it helps me at least release it as if someone really wants to know, I can point them here and don't have to go into grand detail from point zero with them.

Life, please, things have been quiet and they've been good, I don't need sand in the face, it's not helping.

[writexwithxme]

It's Complicated - Chapter 3

Early in the morning Desiree was awake taking care of Mason. She sat down on the edge of the bed breastfeeding him. Hank was still asleep. So she made sure to be quiet and not disturb him. Mason finished his feeding and then he was back asleep for a nap. Desiree cleaned up quietly. When she returned to the room, Hank was awake.

"Morning." He says rubbing his face and yawning. "Baby boy doing good this morning?"

"He is. Just fed him and he's down for another nap." You say.

"How are you doing mama?" Hank asks sitting up in bed.

"I'm alright, I guess." She says. "I still feel bad dropping all of this on you all at once just like this."

"I don't want you to feel bad or guilty about any of it." Hank assures her. "I care about you and I'm glad to know I've got another son. My son has been gone for years and that hole is still in my heart but having Mason slowly fills that void back up again." He explains. "I'm more than happy to take care of you guys and have a family again. If that's what you want."

"I'd love to be a family Hank." Desiree says quietly looking up at him. She reached out to hold his hand. "I've missed you so much Hank. I thought about you alot more that I realized after I left for the summer. I should've called or come to visit."

"I would have loved to see you. I thought about you too." Hank says holding her hand in his.

Hank was the first to make a move. He leaned in and lifted her chin, kissing her softly. Desiree kisses back leaning into him and sighing contently. "I'm glad you're back." He says holding her close. Desiree just melted into the warm embrace. Her heart was at ease now that she knew Hank was alright with the situation.

While Mason napped, Hank and Desiree spent that time catching up on the time they'd missed apart from one another. She shared pictures and videos of Mason. "I want to make this work Hank. I want our boy to have a family. Some foundation behind." She says. "And if you're not opposed to it. Maybe one day we can go see my father and my siblings. Just so we all can be on the same page and come together for Mason."

"I would like that when the time comes." Hank says.

As time passes by, Hank and Desiree started to get into a routine together for Mason. And they worked things out around his work schedule. Desiree was currently doing online schooling for nursing and she'd be working at Chicago Med once she completed her courses and training.

Hank came home early today to see his son, who was rolling around on his playmat on the living room floor. "Hi Mason, daddy's home. Look at you rolling all over the place now." Hank smiles as he takes of his work gear and joins him on the floor. "Come here big boy. Daddy missed you so much today. Look at that cute little smile of yours. That's my boy."

Desiree glanced up from her spot at the table where she had her laptop and text books spread out doing her school work. "Hi honey, how was work?" She asks stopping briefly to give him a hug and kiss.

"Work was work." He says. "We got some bad people off the street so I'll call it a win for today. I couldn't wait to get home to you two." Hank says. "I missed you guys."

"We missed you too Hank." Desiree smiles.

"How's your studying coming along?" Hank asks.

"Pretty good. Learning basic human anatomy now for Human Biology. Maybe you can help me out later with the labeling and familiarizing myself with the male anatomy. I've got a quiz tomorrow morning." She quirks a brow a him.

"Oh yeah, I think I can help you out with that." He smirks. "We'll talk about it after Mason's gone to bed for the night."

"Alright boys let me finish up this chapter I'm on and then I'll get some dinner started for you guys." Desiree smiles looking at Hank and Mason. He had a lot of his father's features.

Later that night Desiree was cleaning up the kitchen from dinner and Hank took Mason upstairs to get him ready for bed. After the kitchen was cleaned up, Desiree poured herself a drink and she poured one for Hank as well. She sat and waited for him, sipping her drink slowly.

"Mhm scotch on the rocks, you must've had a rough day today. Talk to me." Hank says sitting down beside her and taking a sip of his own drink.

"I just got a little overwhelmed thinking about everything. Going to school online and taking care of Mason and I guess I just got into my own head again. Things are changing pretty fast for us." She says.

"Just remember that you have control over some things here too. I don't want you to feel pressured into anything. And you're an amazing mother to our son. That kid adores you like you wouldn't believe. I can see it in his eyes." Hank says. "Sometimes the future can be a little scary when you don't know what it holds. But I can tell you that I'm gonna be in your future with Mason. We'll be together." He says kissing her forehead.

Desiree rests her head on his shoulder and nods in agreement. "I love you Henry."

"I love you too Desiree." He says looking into her eyes.

"Now would be a great time to go study for that male anatomy quiz. Just staying." He laughs. Desiree grabs his hand and they go upstairs to the bedroom.

[aamethyst000]

may 13, 23 2:53pm - very anxious!! ♡

I am so excited to go into town and change me name & gender!! I am also so very nervous about this process not working out for me. I wouldn't know who to go to if that were to happen. I also want to being my little brother in town to get his ID'S done, he is 16 now [could've gotten then when he was 15 but, it's okie] and I've promised him to get his own ID.

11:03pm - mum and I got the dishes done and started cooking right after. we had pork cutlets with mashed potatoes for supper tonight. now we are getting ready for mothers day tomorrow 🙌 we are having turkey for her holiday. Mother is also helping me with the name change this week! I am so happy, well, so far she only knows about me wanting to change my last name. not my full name and gender change ♡ oooo~ I am so excited ♡♡♡ I find out some time in August if BC serves accepts my name and gender change.

may 15,23 11:47pm

I am planning on learning how to roller blade some time tomorrow. it seems kind of fun and a good excuse for me to go outside more often. after I make the trip to rupert, I am going to start saving up money for the move. I may just have to suck it up and look for a full time job. working at the clinic is not too bad, I am just answering calls and making appointments.

may 16, 23 8:38am

I woke up pretty late [as per fckn usual] my little brother was taking his time to get ready for school, then I took the dogs out for their first outing.

11:25pm - I took a nap this morning to by pass the tooth pain, which only worked after I brushed my teeth. I honestly thought it was going to hurt a little more but it didn't. which was pleasing to know. I am hoping my brother and I can make it into town Thursday morning. I am getting more and more anxious about changing my name and gender legally!! aaaaagggghhhhh djfkhsfkdj—

may 17, 23 8:51am - my tooth was hurting really badly last night, like to the point where I couldn't move at all late last night. had to put pressure on my face, take 3 pills to numb the pain and I was crying. I seriously gotta make an appointment asap.

11:46am - I don't think I am going to go out again today. that pain took quite a bit of energy out of me. I am currently making lunch for my little brother and then I think I am going to have to take the puppers out during lunch hour, we have workers just outside my house and wuxi [one of the two puppers] barks at anything and anyone. so she won't pee if that's all she's paying attention to.

1:56pm - just having a toke before I go get dressed to check the post office and then head down to the band office and pay for my little brother and i's round trip tomorrow.

9:05pm - nvm, we are going to go into town next week do get both of our ID's done. my mother and I needed to double check with bc services and whatnot.

12:21pm - I am just going to brush my teeth before I go lay back down for a bit. then, I a going to take the dogs out for their last outing. I am not going to have a late night toke, my tooth is still hurting. good night!

[every18things]

We are having a holiday from 19-25 April. If we had school in the morning, we might have left the dorm by afternoon. On the contrary, my pals who had school in the afternoon, first spent their morning time packing, and left by night.

At least, it was what I thought before. However, we had a downpour in the afternoon, so some of my friends were hesitant to come home due to the extreme lightning.

On 19/4/2023

In my POV, I was too lazy. It was a test day after all. I need more naps. Plus, packing is a difficult task. I have to ensure that my things in the dorm are safe. I have to ensure that I didn't carry useless things too. So, I negotiated with Kristin whether we can go by tomorrow, and she agreed. Luckily, it was a downpour too. My mom asked me to stay low in the dorm first.

We spent nothing except resting. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I bought something for old lady whom generally sweeps the street. She is so kind and frequently greets us when we are off to samit. Her hospitality reminds me of my old-ladies friends. At this point, I 80% agree I suppose to take Kaigo, but hell no, I won't. And so, I bought an extra meal for me. It was astor. I was shocked that it seemed to be made by Khong Guan. The packaging was brand new that I could barely recognized it. Too stunning that I decided to buy it for myself. At night, when only a few people left, I opened my astor, hope people will start make a circle and have a warm chat. And it worked. I'm happy. I love when people gather without any boundaries. Peace heals me. None know this fact, but sisterhood's is as awesome as brotherhood.

On 20/4/2023

I did my last laundry in the morning. We left the dorm by 10:30. I did check how many people left. Before we left, I said goodbye and Sinta begged me to let go of my astor, which I found funny. So I passed down my astor to her. Kristin and I took commuterline. I've offered her to ride a rent car, but she refused. She wanted to experienced riding commuterline. We arrived at 12:30. I saw my little brother sleeping on a couch with my babysitter. We were to fucked up of the road so we went upstairs, washed ourselves, and passed out.

By 4 I checked my brother, he was still asleep. That was insane. So I touched him a little, and called him softly. I said, "Look, who's finally coming home". He recognised my voice and directly smiled and awaked. He hugged me. My younger sister who slept next to him said, "Why don't you do that when I'm coming back home from Purwokerto too, you, kid". We went downstairs to checked whether my mom and dad already back from work. And it was. I greeted them.

Not long after, we broke the fasting. I planned to go the mall to buy a proper fit for rayya. Mom and dad was little worried because it was late already, but they finally permitted it.

I went to the mall by car together with my sister and Kristin. I bought a dress, my sister bought a brand new shoes, and Kristin bought a coffee, just like her. After that, we had a super late dinner in a fast-food restaurant.

On 21/4/2023

I actually forgot what I and Kristin did on this day because the Eid is not happening but tomorrow. Therefore I am just gonna write it: We are totally resting the whole day. Resting means:

- We eat

- We watch

- We sleep

- Repeat

Oh, I just remembered that in the afternoon I did decorating the front counter. I moved the cookies to a good looking jar and displayed the most appealing desserts for the table. My sister helped me with sweeping the floor. I helped her back by do the mopping. I remembered that I still texted Kak Helena to check how many persons left in the dorm.

On 22/4/2023

Happy Eid Mubarak!

I woke up earlier to help my mom cook though I can't cook well. I helped her stay awake by talking nonsense. After that, I woke my brother up and bathe him. I always enjoy talking with my brother. He is just like Kristin. A type of Why-Person. For adults, answering a question why from children is somehow tricky. I learn and practice a lot when my brother asked me such question. Finding a proper but simple definition is thrilling.

For example, what if a 5-year-old boy asked you a question, "Why people who drinks too much Boba can ended up dying?." What could be your best answer? How could you define diabetes in a child-language?

After finished bathed him, I helped my dad cleaned up the house once again. I prepared to take Eid Prayer. My dad and Babang took a larger mosque. My mom, my grandma, and I took the shorter mosque. My sister and Kristin secured the house.

After that, we met our neighbours. We apologized. We shared some money to kids around the neighborhood. Then, we ate opor.

Before leaving to my other grandma's house in East Jakarta. My sister and I did ask for apologies to our parents. My mom whispered and always begged me for the same thing. "Always be a nice girl." From the day I was born until the second I write this diary, the order is exactly the same. My mom always only wanted me to be a good one, and my dad always wanted me to be a success or somehow smart girl that this family can rely on in the future.

On our way, before we visited the cemetery of granddad's, my mom gave me, my sister, my brother, and also Kristin a shopping voucher, hehe. By 6 we arrived at our home back. It's a long trip to ask for 12 hours apologies. At our home, a new guests already awaited us. What a tiring day.

On 23/4/2023

Welcome to the second day of Rayya. It's the first open house for this year. We prepared a lot. We cooked bakso and bought a gallon of ice creams. We served the best snacks for our guests today, or to be precise the younger relatives from my dad. If yesterday was the day where my dad visited the older family, today is the day where my dad be visited by the younger relatives.

I really love the crowd. There are a lot baby too. While parents were busy talking and eating, the babies are busy fighting. I really enjoyed the scene. The babies would fight over my brother's toys collection. I mean it, my brother's toys collection is like a toy store moved to our house. He bought a toy everysecond. People don't have to buy him another toy because he had a lot. Even he had a go kart when he was still 4.

Our house situation is chaotic and really messy. I'm super glad that Kristin is there to help us a lot. Plus, our housemaid is taking her days off, right. So, we need more people to help.

But really, I really like this hectic situations. Kids are running up and down the stairs. Front and behind my house. LOL. This is so lit!

On 24/4/2023

I'm feeling not well today. I have fever in the morning. I'm planning not to do anything, but to remember that my kindhearted teacher assigned me a task, so I'm going to do it today.

Anyway, I am supposed to go to my other relatives' house in Tanjung Barat today. Commonly, I have to visit my relatives for five days straight day and night. I also need two days free for my own schedule visiting my teacher from Aliyah and College. And by Saturday next week, we will do open-house for my dad's colleagues. It's a huge party. There are a lot of food displayed. It's like a semi wedding party without the groom and the bride. Food is everywhere, I love it! It's so weird that we don't do it this year because the time is so limited.

By night, I have finished my homework.

On 25/4/2023

Kristin and I packed to go back to Samit. We are totally unready to face the school and especially the normal FMD. But it's about time, we have to be patient for the rest of two months left. And it's about time, I can finally and gracefully separate seeing that person to my own good.

Appendix

Writing a journal is not a heavy task for me. You gonna know how I'm used to do it when I explain about my speech sooner or later. The problem is I don't like it when my language is limited.

Also, this is my first ever Lebaran where I celebrated together with other person besides my family. It's so fun having Kristin on my own. I'm a bit worried but I hope our family welcome her well. Kristin is helping us a lot. The only minus she had is she is so shy. Whenever I asked her to come downstairs, she refused. I understand her reluctance. But somehow it's weird. Really weird.

For example, I'm not a person who like to push anyone you know. Eating is what you need to stay alive. You can't be so shy to eat, right? But everytime I asked her what to eat or to ask her let's eat, she said, [I'm on diet/I've just done eating snacks/It's up to you]. This is making me insane.

Or in another case, when we were finally eating together in the dining room with my family. She kept pinching my hand or nudged my leg. Like, come on, can I just eat peacefully in this super beautiful day? Let's worry a little. I have ever be in her position, and to stay calm is a good option. I'm not angry it's just my family don't bite, do they? Why everyone thinks that our family is that strict and have no humour at all. Like we are basically a human living and social creatures too, OMG.

But again, it's cool to have Kristin. I can't thank her enough for helping me on this chaotic Lebaran day. Like my family is always super chaotic when it comes to Lebaran. Because we have so many guests and hectic schedule.

[perhaps you want to skip this part]

Oh, and I watched a lot of series this holiday. I watched an anime entitled Tomodachi Game, Western Series named Euphoria, and K-drama that I binge-watched a lot named Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha. I love them all. Precisely, Hometown Cha-Cha-Cha because of the characters is so sweet. It reminds me of Niko Sensei Whatsapp's profile picture. LOL. Too sweet that I can't handle it. Actually there is a woman that resembles me. She fancy pricey things, she is stiff to others, she likes beautiful things, and hates unpredictable things. She also hates someone who is loud. By destination she finally met a man who is on her contrary. A loud, tender, and simple-man that value littlest things highly. And that typical contrary made her comfortable. Once she said,

"I'm the kind of person who makes plans for the rest of my 99 years. I don't like people who cross the line. I fancy higher priced shoes. I guess we're the opposite. I'm sure our blood types and MBTI don't match. Like the distinction between polar bears that hunt sea lions and penguins that consume fish. But I could care less. I love you."

AHAHAHAH, I kicked my blanket a lot when I saw her confession. That's what we call UWU, ladies and gentlemen, trust me. Anyway, this woman is actually a good one, she is a sincere one. She had been hurt before so she was very careful. Good for her, she was fated with the nice guy even though it takes them a lot lot lot of time.

That's the end of my journal. Doesn't sound really interesting, right? Happy giving feedback and tell me yours.

[kaiticn]

we will name this place (1989)

I am painfully lonely. I always kind of have been, too. And I know that. I felt it early and I feel it now. It's always been heavy, and lately, increasingly so.

It's becoming clearer to me now that I came face-to-face with my loneliness in Orillia. No parents, no boyfriend, no real family or friends. Just me. I turned to dating apps for companionship and settled for the kind of attention I knew I didn't need. I can count more boys that I associated with & abandoned within two years than I can the amount of quality, lasting friendships I made.

At some point I was living by myself; quarantined on my own in a four-bedroom house, in a town where not one person would care if I even left the house at all. That can take a toll on someone who's not faring well.

I smoked a lot of a weed. It's a surprise that I'm still an honours student, considering that my braincells probably shouldn't be intact. I smoked until my anxiety went away and I was content with loneliness; until darkness became comfort and quiet melted into solitude. That was the only way that I could enjoy myself, because in reality, I don't. I can't? Perhaps, even, I'm unwilling to try.

I only liked myself when I was high. I think that's something that has taken me a while to admit, and something that will take even longer for me to speak aloud. When I'm high, I'm free. And fluid. And soft. And emotional. And contemplative. And inspired. And accepting. And open and real and tethered. Being high & alone makes me feel a kind of concreteness of self that I don't feel on a regular basis.

Most days, I feel detached & scattered. And anxious. And fearful. And depressed. And empty. And so outside of myself that I can't always tell from what perspective I am looking at the world. That's not how I want to be, and I've embarked on a path for the last three years to acknowledge & heal & grow away from these feelings and I can't. They are carried from my youth and as an adult, they haunt me during already trying times.

I don't know how to make friends.

--

I write this from an empty study space at York University. It's only a little funny, actually, once I began writing about loneliness that I realized every stranger that once shared the space with me had left.

No one in my life understands this feeling that I have right now. Not a single person. I stay isolated in my room at yet another house full of strangers. We don't talk.

I wake up, I get dressed, and I walk to work on my own. The mornings are quiet. I don't speak.

Work is one of the only places where I am starting to feel like myself. As a supervisor, SS has been good company. However our relationship is conditional to only exist within the boundaries of our shared place of employment.

Sometimes after my shift I'll walk to my classes, also alone. I am five months into school and I cannot say that I have connected with a single peer well enough to call them my friend and feel good about it. I seldom talk to people about anything other than school. And small talk. And "man it's cold out". And "do you know when the test marks are up". And "I have so much reading to do". And "see you later". "See you tomorrow". "I don't think it would make much a difference if I saw you tomorrow or ever again, for either of us".

This kind of thing makes me feel cold. Like a cynic. Like a bitch. I don't like that word. But regardless, it reigns true.

We part ways. I walk through Central Square alone. And Ross alone. And Vari Hall alone. And the outdoor corridor alone. And then The north parking lot alone. And by that point, I pass the final emergency post on the outskirts of campus, always hoping that nothing actually happened to me between there and home, because I'm by myself.

Then I'm in my room again. And I spend the rest of the evening on my own. Lethargic. Tired. Voiceless. If I don't nap, I'm streaming TV. And if I'm not streaming TV then I don't know what I'm doing, but it's never school work. It's usually compulsively cleaning my room. Or folding my clothes. Or organizing my drawers. Or biting my nails or tearing at my skin again. And again. And again. Or sitting on the floor or laying on the bed and not sleeping, but just staring at the wall and drawing upon memories or completely fabricating conversations because I'm tired of replaying my own lived experiences. Then I fall asleep and sometimes I don't have a chance to vocalize "goodnight" to anyone.

I have Maurice. I know this. But he's only ever been surrounded by people his entire life. A surplus of constant engagement. That can be exhausting in itself, I don't doubt it. But I can't convey to him how draining my own lifestyle is. He encourages me to find energy and motivation and initiative and discipline but when I'm on my own for so long, it feels impossible to be the reminder to perform and the performer at the same time.

I've started talking to myself. When I walk I just start naming the things I see until it turns into some kind of diluted narration of my surroundings.

"Stairs"

"Student Centre"

"Jacket"

"White"

"Off-white?"

"White"

"Mask"

"Hat"

"Hat"

"Mask"

"Hat"

"Head covering"

"Head covering"

"All hats are head coverings"

"Some without religious connotations"

And I go on.

I don't know what my goal is in writing this. Right now I feel something tight within my chest, although this feeling lingers. I need an outlet. I feel like screaming. I don't want to scream I just want to talk to someone, and not text them, but talk. I want to use my voice. I want to be with people and laugh hard and yell and sing. I miss singing but I don't have where to do it in private anymore.

Quiet is overwhelming me. I'm going to go sit outside.

[dameronology]

scenes from a modern romance (tasm!peter parker)

summary: everyone has stupid arguments, but it's hard to stay mad at peter parker

warnings: language, mild angst. this is honestly just a catharsis for the stress of being in ur 20s.

this is based on the song therapy from tick, tick...boom! which stars the wonderful beautiful talented andrew garfield, hence, this is for his peter parker. spoiler free, of course. enjoy

- jazz xx

New York was a tiring place. No matter where you went or how fast you walked, you couldn't escape the people. They were everywhere; on the streets, in the bank, blocking the aisles of every goddamn shop and oozing out the subway. Nobody moved to the city with the intention of it being an open and peaceful space but man. After a long day of work at a diner - filled with spilled coffee, angry customers and the clogged-up air of heat fryers and grills - the last thing you wanted was to deal with that. With people. So many fucking people.

Even the hallways of your apartment building were filled with them. Your elderly neighbour was dragging her five dogs out for a walk (it explained the smell in the hall, at least) and there was a group of teenagers smoking something much stronger than tobacco in the stair-well. Your grocery bag ripping a few feet from your front door was the final straw.

"Peter!" you let out an exasperated sigh as you kicked open the door. "Did you not hear me calling from the hall?"

"Huh?"

Your boyfriend stuck his head up from the sofa, soft tufts of hair sticking up in a million directions and brown eyes tired with sleep. You'd clearly ruined his nap - not that you had much sympathy for him. More like jealousy.

"My bag..." you trailed off, deciding it wasn't worth it. "Don't worry. Can you just help me unpack the shopping?"

"Yeah, of course," Peter hopped up, over to the kitchen in a flash. "Man, am I happy to see you."

He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you back against his chest. You didn't mean to ignore his affection, but you just wanted to get shit done and pass out on the sofa. You could be all over him then. That meant for now, if he wanted hug you, he'd have to awkwardly shuffle around the kitchen whilst attached to you. To no-one's surprise, that was exactly what he did.

Peter pressed a kiss to the back of your head. "The oven broke again by the way."

"Seriously?" you groaned. "That's gonna take ten years for maintenance to fix."

The only thing worse than the crowds in New York was the housing. Unless you were a millionaire, there wasn't much on offer. The estate agent had called your apartment a steal, but with its terrible lighting and thin walls, you had to disagree. It had been the first place you and Peter had got together after high school and it felt like home now. That didn't mean the real estate gods didn't test you every now and then by blowing up an appliance or bursting a pipe.

"It's okay, we can use the microwave."

"Yeah," you forced a smile. "Did you send off the cheque for the gas bill?"

You felt Peter tense up behind you. That was a no.

"Peter," you groaned, turning around to face him. Despite you attempts to elbow him off of you, he stayed pretty stuck. "I asked you to do it three days ago."

"I forgot. I'm sorry-"

" - so the oven probably isn't broken," you cut him off. "The gas company have cut us off, most likely. And no gas means no oven."

"I'll do it tomorrow," he gave you a goofy smile. "I promise."

"Yeah, okay," you let out a small sigh of defeat. He was hard to argue with.

You felt bad nagging him; you didn't want to sound like his Aunt May, but you could have sworn the boy had undiagnosed ADHD. He worked his ass off at night to protect New York, but his day-job as a freelance photographer had dried up. That meant most of the financial burden fell on your shoulders, which had been fine when it was just a temporary thing. Temporary had lasted almost six months by that point and Peter forgetting basic things you asked him to do was starting to get to you. Coming home to empty take out boxes and piles of washing up after a ten hour shift wasn't fun.

Your eyes landed on a strewn pizza box half way across the room. You let out a groan. It had flies on it.

"Pete," you sighed. "How old is that?"

"Oh, like two days," he pressed a kiss to your nose. "The one I got today is - I mean, I didn't order one today-"

"- Peter!" you groaned.

Spiderman needed to be fed. You got that. What Spiderman didn't need to do was order another fucking pizza when there was enough food in the fridge.

"I was hungry!"

"There's food in the fridge," you reminded him.

"You sound like my Aunt May," he muttered.

"And you're acting like the teenage boy that used to live with her," you shot back. "You're twenty four now, Pete."

"Thank you, I think?"

You rolled your eyes. "I mean you can cook for yourself. I'm not working fifty hour weeks to make ends meet just so you can spend it all on-"

"- I'm finding work," he cut you off. "There's just a lotta crime right now! You know how I feel about crime."

"We all feel that way about crime," you grumbled. "I'm just tired is all. Spiderman is great but it doesn't pay the bills."

Peter blinked in surprise. "I thought you liked Spiderman."

"Why are we talking about him like he's a third person in our relationship?" you huffed. "What I mean is that you need to start balancing this life with that one, because you can find a job and help old ladies cross the goddamn road!"

He almost reeled backwards, finally releasing you from his grip. Okay so yeah, that had been a low blow on your part. He did a lot more than just help get cats outta trees. He'd saved New York like...multiple times. It was just that this whole thing was either an issue of Peter being too tired from Spiderman-ing to have a life in the day, or he was using it as an excuse. You didn't know what worse, but you did know that you were tired.

You'd been in love since you were teenagers and sometimes, you still argued like kids. Maturing into an adult relationship was a learning curve.

"Yeah, well maybe we wouldn't need to worry so much about money if you hadn't spent four years at a fancy art school for a useless degree!"

Maybe you deserved that. At the very least, you had to admit you'd thrown the first punch.

"At least I went to college!" you snapped. "How's the self-employment going, huh? The last gig you had was taking pictures for our school newspaper!"

"I took photos at your cousin's wedding, remember?"

"Only because my mum got you the gig!" you snorted.

"God, you're starting to sound like her-"

"- don't bring my mother into this!"

"You brought her into this!" Peter waved his hands in the air. "So hah! I win!"

"You have pizza on your chin," you grimaced. "I don't think you do win, babe."

"At least I'm doing something I enjoy," he continued. "I'm not working at a soulless job doing work that I hate. Spiderman might not pay but hey, at least it counts for something more than wasting my time in a hospitality job!"

Peter regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. He could practically see them float from his mind and into the air - he wanted to swat them away, catch them with a net, shove them back in to his stupidly loud gob. He knew he'd fucked up. The seething look on your face confirmed it.

"Oh my god," he murmured. "I didn't mean that. I did not mean that. I am so, so sorry. You are the light of my life and I love you and I do not think-"

"- fuck you, Parker."

The next few seconds were a blur of your angry face. a middle finger, and the slam of your bedroom door.

--

Your apartment might have been shitty, but hell, at least it had a bath tub.

Once you'd soaked in there for an hour and washed off the smell of chip grease, you felt a lot better. You put on an old hoodie of Peter's and some pyjama shorts; you might have been angry at him but his clothes were comfy as hell. Maybe the fact they smelt like him was nice too.

It was hard to avoid him in such a small space, but you found an old book and curled up in the old sofa by your window. It was a nice place to sit and stew - not that you had much to think about. What you said - however insultingly - was true. You were more scared that Peter's words were as well. He knew how lost you'd been since finishing college. It felt like all your friends were going off and getting high paying jobs in their fields; starting families and buying houses. Meanwhile, you'd been at the Moondance Diner since you were nineteen years old. Your apartment had the structural integrity of a piece of lasagne and you really had no idea where your life was going. The only good thing in it was Peter - even if he had a tendency to run his fucking mouth.

After a few hours, there was a knock on the door.

"Heeeey," Peter's voice came from the other side. "Can I come in?"

"That depends," you called back. "Are you gonna slag off any more of my life choices?"

The door creaked open and Peter stuck his head around. "No."

"Then please," you gestured to the bed. "Do enter, Lord Parker. I hope being in the presence of a petty little food server such as myself won't harm you, permitting that you even let me breathe the same fucking air as you-"

"- okay, enough!" he groaned (but you could see him fighting back a smile).

He made his way over to the chair, kneeling down in front of you. He took your book out your hands and took them in his. It seemed like a good sign that you didn't stop him.

"I did not mean a single word that I said," Peter softly said. "I just knew that you were right about everything and apparently, I'd rather be a complete asshole than admit it."

You gave him a little smile. "I hate my job, Pete. I'm terrified I'll be stuck there forever. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and it freaks me out when you make comments like that."

"I know, baby," he murmured, giving your hands a squeeze. "I'm proud of you, whatever happens. Whether you wanna wait tables for the rest of your life or become a busker on the subway, I will support you. I promise."

"There's still the issue of money," you reminded him. "I didn't word it the best, but-"

"- I need to get off my ass, I know," he said. "I think I've worked out a way to get money."

Your eyebrows shot up. "You have?"

"I just sold like fifty Spiderman selfies to The Daily Bugle for $2000 bucks," he gave you a lopsided grin. "I can't say my ego is in tact but that's our rent made for the month."

"Oh my god," you dropped your head against his shoulder, letting out a groan. "Please don't turn Spiderman into a social media star just for my sake."

"I'm not, I promise," he chuckled. "I can get some more...dignified photos and sell them to legit papers. It'll put my name out there to other news sites and it'll get me more gigs."

"That's amazing," you smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "That's a job."

"We'll see," Peter stood up. He pulled you up from the chair and pulled back the covers of the bed.

You both climbed underneath them - he did an awkward shuffle dance for a moment as he kicked off his shirt and jeans. Part of you half expected him to pull out the Spiderman suit in their place. He had been going out every night recently.

"So, are we good?" Peter gently asked. He rolled over to face you, pressing his forehead to yours. "I never want to go to sleep knowing we're not good."

"Yeah," you nodded. "We are."

"Perfect."

"Aren't you going out tonight?"

"Nope," Peter pressed a soft kiss to your lips. "M'very happy here with you."

You didn't know what you wanted to do with your life, but there was thing you were sure of - as long as you had the absolute fool that was Peter Parker by your side, you'd be absolutely fine.

[munsonsduchess]

Summer Lovin'

summary: a day at the pool turns into something more for you and eddie w/c: 2,401 warnings: mentions of scars, mentions of injury, mentions of pregnancy, mentions of body dysmorphia, fingering, p in v sex, unprotected sex (don't be a dummy ok), creampie, breeding kink, belly bulge and i think that's it a/n: so i was gonna wait and post this tomorrow but then my lizard brain went "no! we require validation" so here we are, as always if you like this then please comment or reblog or just pop into my inbox to say hey (requests are technically open i just work slow) the title of this is of course paying homage to the late great Olivia Newton John.

this is part ... six of the god and goddess of hellfire and you can find the other parts here:

one.

two.

three.

four.

five.

(moodboard by me)

Summer had come to Hawkins, hot and humid and heavy. It had crept in slowly and before anyone had a chance to fully prepare. People on the radio talked about global warming and a 'hole' in the 'ozone layer' which apparently meant warmer summers and colder winters which really you couldn't see why that would be a bad thing. 

You did however eat your words when on the fourth of july it was 100 degrees in the shade and no amount of plug in fans or window ac units helped to cool down the house. You and Eddie had taken to sleeping with just a sheet on the bed and pulling Rose's crib into your bedroom instead of her nursery for fear the baby might overheat in the night without either of you realising. 

The public pool was of course a hive of activity each day. Steve had taken a part time job as a lifeguard since he was extremely qualified in both looking after children and water-based activities. He still worked at the video store but was apparently also looking into trade college to get a teaching diploma,

"Coach is retiring after the christmas semester and I dunno I think it would be cool to go back?" he'd said one afternoon while you watched Eddie, Rose and the kids play in the shallow end of the pool,

"Only  you Steve Harrington would want to go back to high school" you'd laughed, "but I suppose if anyone is qualified to take over the athletic department it would be their former King" 

"Oh come on not you too" Steve groaned, "I get enough of the King Steve crap from Munson" 

You'd just laughed and walked off to start buying snacks for when the kids and their big kid leader would tire of the water. Or Rose would need to go down for a nap. 

➽───────────────❥

Summer had never really been your favourite time of year, you were much more into fall. Halloween, pumpkins, hot chocolate by the window and watching the rain pelt down onto the tarmac. These last two summers however had changed your mind, especially after the Spring Break Vecna "Welcome to the creepy supernatural shit you didn't know existed" Incident. 

You and Eddie had more or less holes yourselves away from everyone else after he'd been released from the hospital and his name had been cleared. You'd both figured now that things were 'getting back to normal' neither of you would be welcome amongst the group at large. 

You'd been mistaken. It had started with phone calls you'd ignored, eventually taking the phone off the hook and leaving it that way. There could be nothing good from answering, it was likely just a small minded hick on the other end of the phone who wanted to tell Eddie that no matter what the official story was they knew better. 

Then Dustin Henderson and Robin Buckley had invaded the trailer and brought you both kicking and screaming into the sunlight and refused to let go. Nancy had helped Eddie study so he would pass his finals and graduate. Steve had driven everyone to graduation day and you'd cheered loudly as Eddie walked the stage in his green gown and cap. 

They'd all been there for you when you found out that summer that you were pregnant with Rose and you still remembered the younger teens crowding into your house to see their new sister, Henderson especially refused to call Rose anything else but his little sister. 

You were a strange family but one you were immensely glad of, especially for Eddie's sake. It had just been him and Wayne since Eddie was ten and his old man went away and as much as you and your parents tried to help out you knew the toll it took on Eddie, especially in those early years.

You smiled fondly as your grown husband played with a group of sixteen year olds, all of them careful of the baby and of Max who while more or less fully recovered still suffered with aches and pains associated with breaking both arms and legs. She had to wear special glasses now as well to correct her eyesight but she never once complained instead insisting that they just made her look cooler,

"Hey babe I think Rose is getting a little fussy" Eddie called from the edge of the pool, "I think she might need a nap" 

Sure enough you could see the tell tale signs on your little daughters face. She was still only a year old so this much excitement was almost too much for her. Truthfully you'd thought that once Rose passed the year mark you and Eddie would have more time for each other but that hadn't really happened so you were holding out for another while,

"If you guys want I can take her" Steve offered immediately, "Tina will be here in like five for her shift and I'm sure the gremlins can find their own way home" 

"Steve I couldn't ask that of you" you tried to decline the offer, surely Steve wanted to stay and hang out with the kids. To play in the pool as well? 

"You don't have to, that's what family is for. I can drop her off again later or if you guys are cool I'll keep her until the barbecue" 

It was apparently fourth of july tradition for Steve to use his big empty Mega Mansion on the rich side of town to host a family barbecue in the afternoons and watch the fireworks in the evening. According to Robin they'd all just usually hang out at Steve's all day seeing as he had a pool of his own but since he'd had work everyone came to the public pool instead. 

"That would be amazing Harrington, real life saver" Eddie appeared by your side, soaked to the skin with droplets of water clinging to his hair, "I'll grab her diaper bag and we'll see you later" 

The whole thing happened almost in a blur. Eddie handed Steve the diaper bag and the baby, took the car seat out of his Impala and put it into Steve's BMW, there may have been some talk of Steve getting his own car seat or maybe you imagined that, but then they were off. The kids complained about their ride leaving but Robin effectively shut them down and commanded their attention for a swimming competition.

Which left it as just you and Eddie. Alone. WIthout any responsibilities. With a free house until later that evening. 

Neither of you needed to speak.

➽───────────────❥

Eddie almost didn't make it the entire drive home. It was only a few blocks but he almost came in his shorts just from the idea of getting to be alone with you. Sure you'd been able to mess around a little in between Rose's schedule, work, life in general but this was the first time you'd both have the whole afternoon free to do whatever you wanted. 

Eddie crowded you up against the door as soon as it shut behind you both. Hands gripping your waist and pulling you flush against him as he crushed his lips on yours. The kiss was rushed for sure but Eddie was just making up for lost time,

"God baby. Can't get enough of you" 

"Just fuck me Eds. I can't wait much longer" 

You were equally as wrecked sounding as Eddie felt, you wanted this so badly it was almost hard to breathe. Eddie slipped one of his thighs between yours, kicking your legs open wider and grinding his hips against your own,

"Fuck, gonna cum in my pants"

"I can think of better places to cum than that" you teased nipping on his bottom lip, "take me to bed" 

Not one to waste time, Eddie scooped you up into his arms and hoisted you over his shoulder, taking the stairs two at a time before kicking open your bedroom door and throwing you onto the bed. All at once he was on top of you, the hair that had fallen out of the messy bun he'd put it in before tickling your skin.

Eddie moved quick, undoing the straps of your bikini top before kissing his way across your chest. His mouth and hands massaging your breasts, tongue flicking out across hardened nippes, teeth grazing soft flesh before biting down hard. You were going to have marks for days after this and a part of you was giddy to show them off. Take that Brenda Cummings at Mommy and Me. 

Eddie kissed along the soft expanse of your stomach, it was something you'd been self-conscious about after Rose. You didn't look like you did before, you had stretch marks now, parts of you were rounder than they had been but Eddie had been quick to let you know just how much he loved you still no matter what. 

After all it would be pretty hypocritical of him to find fault with your physical appearance after you'd kissed every one of his scars and told him how beautiful he was. How strong he was for protecting Dustin and buying Steve and the others time. 

Eddie hooked his thumbs into the waistband of your shorts and bikini bottoms, looking up at you to make sure this was still ok that you still wanted to go through with this. You nodded fervently, if he stopped now you might actually cry because you were so worked up. 

"I'm not gonna last long" he told you, "god baby you're so perfect, just fucking perfect for me" 

"Love you Eds" you gasped feeling two fingers breach your entrance, you'd been wet almost from the moment you sat in the car on the drive home, so worked up thinking about this moment. Eddie curled his fingers as he reached that spot inside that made you see stars. He wasn't messing around right now.

"Wanna kiss your perfect pussy so much but I gotta be inside you" 

"Please Eddie" you whined, "need you inside me now" 

Eddie nodded quickly, hair flying around him and making him look like a bobble head on someone's dashboard. He was quick to remove himself from his own shorts letting his cock spring free, it made an obscenely wet noise as it slapped against his stomach and you couldn't wait to blow him later and feel the heaviness of it against your tongue. For right now you needed him to fuck you senseless and then you could both take your time later. 

Eddie lined himself up with your entrance and pushed in, the burn was always delicious whenever he did so and you'd missed the sensation of being split open like this. Feeling as though your entire body was on fire as his cock slid home inch by perfect inch. When your hips were finally flush against one and other, Eddie leant down for a sloppy kiss before he started moving. 

He set a brutal pace from the beginning, neither of you wanting to draw this out for longer than you had to. Eddie kissed and nipped at your throat, your chest, anywhere. His fingers were digging into your hips and you knew that was going to leave bruises as well. 

You felt every inch of him as he pulled out almost all the way before slamming back in. Your hips slapping against one and other and the sound of laboured breathing filling the empty spaces in the room, 

"Fuck Eddie, feels so good" 

"Feel like fucking heaven baby, perfect pussy always taking me so well" 

He angled his hips and found that spot he'd brushed earlier with his fingers making you moan loudly and dig your nails into his shoulders, dragging them across his back, 

"Do that again" and so he did, again, and again, and again. Eddie's hand pressed down over the outline of his cock in your stomach and you moaned again, you were so close to the edge, so close to giving in. 

Eddie only had to take one look at you  to know how close you were. His skilled guitarist fingers coming to rub fast circles on your clit, whispering filthy words into your ear until you came with a cry of his name and he could feel you clenching down around him. 

You hardly registered Eddie fucking you through your orgasm as you came back down again, it was only when you felt his warm release inside of you that you became aware of your body again. You could feel Eddie's hot breath against your neck and you smiled before pressing a kiss against his shoulder,

"That was incredible love, you did such a good job" 

Eddie preened at the praise. He loved to hear that he'd made you feel good, that you'd enjoyed yourself, that was all that mattered to him at the end of the day. Being able to cum himself was a secondary thought. 

You lay there for a while until it began to get uncomfortable and Eddie pulled out, causing you to make a noise somewhere between a moan and a hiss. You could feel yourself spilling onto the bed and knew you'd have to change these sheets, Eddie however had other plans as he scooped up your collective release with two fingers and pushed it back into your spasamsing pussy,

"Keep it in there for me sweetheart, keep it safe, gonna fill you up so many times. Put another baby in you" he whispered and your pussy clenched around nothing, 

"Eddieee" you whined, far too sensitive and blissed out right now to even attempt what he was suggesting, even if the idea of him filling you up again and again was making your skin tingle. 

You were vaguely aware of him leaving the bedroom and coming back with a washcloth to clean up anything that had already spilled out, throwing the cloth into the corner of the room with the rest of the laundry when he was done. 

Eddie manoeuvred you both so that he could lay behind you and wrap you in his arms. Your face buried in his chest as he kissed the top of your head, 

"Get some rest babe, we've only just gotten started" 

You had a thought just before you drifted off to sleep, that you might end up being late for Steve's barbecue. 

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