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welcometophu · 7 years ago

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Not Your Destiny: Chapter 13

Marked Book 1: Not Your Destiny

Chapter 13

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Ángel wakes up late on Christmas morning to the smell of hot cinnamon buns and the breakfast casserole that Joey put in the crockpot when they got back from Mass. He stumbles down the hall to the bathroom, bumps into Hayley as she comes out, and she blinks sleepily at him.

He takes a step back, tries to give her room, but she moves with him, her arms going around his waist as she burrows in close, sighing as she relaxes into the hug. “Merry Christmas,” she murmurs, her voice a soft vibration against his chest.

He slowly lets his hands fall against her, one across her shoulders, one at the small of her back. He leans his head against her hair, inhales the smell of her shampoo, faded and mixed with scents from Noche Buena. Hayley inside his world, just like he’d always wanted. Just not in the way he’d expected.

“Merry Christmas,” he replies softly, and when she tilts her head up, he kisses her. It’s soft and quick and over before it has a chance to gain traction. She blinks, eyes pricked with tears at the corners.

“Ángel.” Her hand is on his chest, but he takes it away.

“I kind of need to pee,” he points out. “Don’t worry about showering yet. Last night was all Cuban family; today’s all about Joey’s traditions, and that demands breakfast in PJs and opening our stockings at minimum before anyone even thinks about getting ready for the day. Tanner will be over later, with his mom and Emerson, possibly before we bother getting dressed. We’ll do most of the presents after dinner. Which is at lunchtime.” While he speaks, he rotates them in the hall, so that by the time he’s done, he’s right in front of the open bathroom door.

It makes it easy to slip into the bathroom and close the door between them, before Hayley can respond. Or protest.

Ángel leans his head against the door, huffs a sigh. That was only a minor relapse. Friends kiss. It happens. And hell, it’s Tanner. He’ll get it. But still. Ángel needs to keep his distance, work on getting past the breakup. Past the changes in his life. He can do it, he just needs to not lose focus.

The fact that he’s exhausted after staying up so late doesn’t help.

Joey’s calling his name by the time he gets back to his room, so he throws on a t-shirt and pads downstairs in bare feet. Hayley’s in the kitchen with Joey, gesturing as she speaks, her coffee sloshing over the edge of her cup. Hayley goes abruptly quiet as soon as Ángel enters the room, her expression a study in innocence.

“What did I miss?” Ángel asks, wary.

“I know what you’re getting for Christmas,” Joey teases. She sets down her mug, opens her arms. “Merry Christmas, Ángel. I’m sorry your dad and I couldn’t manage to pay for your car for the holiday.”

“It’s okay, I’m working it off. It’ll be fine.” He glances over at Hayley after hugging Joey. “We need to talk about that, a bit. But later, okay?”

“Okay.” Hayley’s brow furrowed, curious but not seeming upset by it. “Is this the part where we open presents?”

Joey puts a hand over her heart. “Stockings,” she corrects. “And Marcos and Abuela are already in the living room. Ángel, make yourself a plate, then grab the one on the counter for Abuela. I’ll get Marcos settled with his. Hayley, take whatever you like; there’s plenty to choose from.”

Ángel doesn’t bother with the bowl of fruit; he knows there will be both an apple and an orange in the toe of his stocking. But Joey’s breakfast casserole is always good, full of bacon and sausage and eggs and potatoes and tomatoes, all with a heavy layer of spice mixed in. It’s guaranteed to clear the sinuses, and best eaten with a giant cinnamon roll on the side so that the sugar helps clear the spice from the tongue.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Hayley lifting a huge forkful of eggs to her mouth, and he holds out a hand to stop her. “Small bite to taste first. I know you can handle spice, but try it,” he cautions. She makes a pleased sound at first taste, and a moment later her eyes go wide. Ángel doesn’t laugh, but he’s tempted. Instead, he offers her a bite of sweet cinnamon roll, lets her take it from his fingers and waits until her eyes are no longer watering.

“Come on.” Ángel brings Abuela’s plate to her, sets his own on the coffee table before sinking to a seat on the floor. Hayley takes the spot next to him, and blinks in some surprise when a huge stocking is placed in her lap. It’s not quite as big as the one Ángel’s had since his tween years, but it’s close.

“I didn’t expect—”

“I like stuffing stockings,” Joey says, sitting between Abuela and Papi on the sofa. “I make Papi put one together for me, and he complains about it every year. But I think he and Abuela enjoy it.”

Abuela makes a small noise that could be yes or could be no, and Ángel knows better than to push at it.

They alternate between eating while others open gifts, then opening their own gifts in turn. It turns breakfast into a long affair; Ángel gets up to get seconds while getting coffee for Abuela. When he returns, Hayley has a long, soft scarf in her hands. She lifts it, rubbing her cheek against the soft knit.

“It’s beautiful and it’ll be warm, too,” she murmurs happily. “I love it, Joey.”

“And it’s light, so it’ll fold up small for a backpack in the winter. The northeast is brutal.” Joey shakes her head. “I don’t know how you two stand it.”

“That explains all the gift cards for coffee and places to buy warm clothing,” Ángel confides as he sits next to Hayley again. He offers the mug to Abuela, then digs into his own food. “Joey thinks we need to dress like it’s the north pole.”

“I think you have blizzards and should prepare accordingly,” Joey responds, and Papi laughs aloud at that.

“You do realize that my son can make fire spring from his fingertips,” Papi points out, and Joey shakes her head.

“It’s not the same thing. He can’t warm himself if his energy is sapped.”

“I’m fine, Joey, I promise,” Ángel says seriously. “And this haul? Is incredible. You’ve been buying stuff for months, because I can’t even imagine how you… this is amazing.”

“You’re very generous,” Hayley says. “Like, wow, do they have Dunkin down here because I absolutely love it and it’s like you knew that because, oh my God, I can go there so many times now. Thank you! And did you, like, call the coffee shop near campus? Because I know they’re totally local. And Teas Please, too.”

“Joey loves to give gifts,” Abuela says quietly, her hand covering her daughter-in-law’s. “It is her Talent.”

Joey’s mouth opens, closes quickly as she flushes. “Nothing so magical. But yes. I enjoy giving gifts, and I’ve known since last year that Ángel hoped to bring you this year. I wanted to make sure we were ready.”

“Thank you.” Hayley pushes up, throws her arms around Joey’s neck and hugs her hard. She knocks an elbow into Papi, and then hugs him in apology. Abuela waves a hand when sparks come close to her face, and the sparks fizzle in the air with a hiss and a pop.

Abuela looks at Ángel, then Hayley, mouth pursed in amusement. “Did you know, one time, when Ángel was small, he decided that the decorations in our house weren’t like his friend Tanner had. And they weren’t. We had a tree, but it was quieter. The nativity was the center of our decorations. But Ángel, he wanted the lights, so he decided that he would light the tree by himself. And he brought home a string of lights so that he and Tanner could put it around the tree. They climbed on a chair to do this, shoved the end of it under the angel at the top, then wound it around until it reached the bottom. But the lights were old, and they weren’t very bright. They didn’t flash like the ones at Tanner’s house. So Ángel touched them and gave them sparks. It was as if he brought them to life, Hayley. They flickered and flashed, brighter and brighter, dancing like tiny sprites around the tree.”

Hayley’s mouth is open in a small o as her gaze flicks between Abuela and the heavily decorated tree they have now. “Did he set it on fire?”

“He did,” Abuela says, smiling fondly. “The branches caught fire, and Tanner screamed. By the time I came downstairs, the room was flooded. He called water in his panic.”

“The one and only time I’ve had any success with that element,” Ángel says. “I envy that you can do anything with water and earth. I still can’t.”

“You’ve got air, and I don’t.” Hayley slowly sits again, her knee pressing against Ángel’s. “See, there are ways we aren’t exactly alike.”

Abuela makes a thoughtful noise.

Papi rises, threading his way through the wrapping paper to the door. “Mary’s here.” He has the door open as they come up the steps yelling Merry Christmas loud enough to wake the neighborhood, if they weren’t already awake.

Emerson’s surrounded by softly popping bubbles, bright and airy, light and soft. They move with him, as joyous as he is. Tanner’s laden with gifts, pulling a wagon to hold them all. “We didn’t bring Emerson’s gift, so you just have to see pictures,” Tanner says.

“That’s because none of us want to lug a computer and monitor down the street, and besides, it’s not leaving my room ever again,” Emerson says loudly. “They got me the gaming computer, Ángel. The one I asked for.”

Tanner meets Ángel’s gaze, nods slowly and smiles.

Ángel and Tanner had talked about it, and Ángel had helped put him in touch with some folks at PHU who could put together a good computer on a budget. But it was still expensive, and he knows it probably cut into the family holiday budget in a major way. He wishes he had the money to try to spoil them all more.

“Dinner before presents,” Joey reminds them. She directs Tanner to put the gifts under the tree, as if they haven’t done the same thing every Christmas for the years since Joey married Papi. Even before, although it wasn’t nearly as elaborate then. But Christmas day has always been for Tanner’s family.

“Joey, do you need help in the kitchen?” Hayley bounces to her feet, and Joey waves her off.

“You kids go play games or something. I’ll be fine. I know Mary and Abuela want to talk,” Joey says, and there’s a part of Ángel that thinks that can’t bode well for anyone. “Marcos can help me if I need help.”

“Which means I’ll get the turkey out when she needs it.” Papi pushes to his feet, wraps his arms around Joey and kisses her cheek. “And mash the potatoes, and take the ends off the green beans. I know what use I can be in the kitchen.”

“Come on, you, let’s spend some quality time together.” Joey tugs, and Papi follows, and there is no way that Ángel’s going anywhere near the kitchen now.

“I need to talk to you guys anyway.” Ángel motions for Hayley and Tanner to follow, and he doesn’t mind when Emerson trails after them.

When they get upstairs, Hayley and Tanner sit on the floor at the end of Ángel’s bed, knees pressed close together. Emerson sits on the end of the bed above them, and idly pokes at one of the bubbles in the air by his face. It pops as soon as he puts his finger through it, and Ángel hears a bright hum for a moment.

He’s not sure if he’s the only one who heard, or if it’s not really a sound at all; no one else seems to react.

Tanner grabs for a game controller, handing another to Hayley. He starts up the console, finds a racing game and they start playing. Ángel pulls out the chair from his desk, sits there and lets it swing idly back and forth.

“So. I’m working at Mollicone’s,” he says slowly.

“Old information,” Tanner points out. He tilts toward Hayley, bumping her as he controls his car on the screen. She elbows him back, and the competition intensifies. Tanner laughs as his car pushes hers off the screen.

“They want me to stay through the wedding,” Ángel admits. He pulls his feet up to sit cross-legged, fingers tapping against his knees. He can’t move this way, and that makes him uncomfortable, so one leg drops, toe on the ground, pushing him back and forth. “Maritsa and Cleto are getting married on January 13th.”

Hayley twists to look at him, her car veering off the road while Tanner cheers. When Emerson reaches down for the controller, Hayley hands it off without looking at him.

“So we need to stay until that weekend?” Hayley asks. “I mean, like, it’s a couple extra weeks.”

“Is Zita paying you to babysit?” The thing Ángel worries about the most is Hayley missing out on her job hours. Ángel’s missing his hours, but anything he’d make would go toward paying for the car anyway. So it’s not really that bad of a tradeoff. No matter what, he’s going to be broke spring semester. But at least Helga will function.

“Actually, it’s more like nannying, and yes, she is,” Hayley says cheerily. “I mean, this week it was all about keeping the kids out of the way while she got ready for Christmas, but next week she wants help getting Tony’s house ready for this big party he’s having for the new year. Or well, she’s having at his house because it’s bigger. And it’s not just his house, Gabi’s there, and Luca, right? So they all share it. But I’ll help with the kids, and anything else she needs done, and it’s kind of fun, actually. Did you have fun, Tanner?”

“Park, fun, kids, yep,” Tanner says, while remaining focused intently on trying to knock Emerson’s car off the road.

“So you don’t mind if we stay through the wedding?” Ángel says, because he needs this yes. He needs to confirm that this is definitely happening, and Hayley’s okay with the change of plans.

“We probably both need to talk to people who thought we were coming back earlier, but sure.” She cocks her head. “Do we get to go to the wedding?”

Ángel’s phone buzzes uncomfortably in his pocket, several times all at once. He pulls it out, finds a spate of texts rolling in, one after the other. He’s apparently been added to some kind of group chat, with pictures being sent from Gabi, Luca, and Maritsa.

It lives. It breathes. It even smiles.

Gabi’s picture of Tony has him in a Santa hat, his middle finger raised as he smirks at the camera. He scowls in the next picture, reaching for the camera.

Merry Christmas, Ángel!

Maritsa sends a selfie of herself and Cleto. She blows kisses at the camera, while he seems more relaxed than he had the night before, smiling slightly when the picture was taken. Ángel can just barely see Gabi in the background, holding her phone up.

Hayley leans over his shoulder as another picture comes in, sent by Luca. This one is from further away, shows Gabi and Tony, as well as Maritsa and Cleto. Zita is in the distance with her kids and a man Ángel doesn’t recognize but assumes is Danny. He vaguely recognizes the last of the Mollicone clan—two more brothers—talking to Max and Sam. It’s a full house. And there are a few numbers he doesn’t recognize in the list for the chat.

Hayley wants to know if we’re invited to the wedding. Since I’m stuck here until then.

There’s abrupt silence on the chat. Long enough that Ángel has to wonder if he’s said something wrong. You don’t have to invite us, he sends.

Your family makes up its own table, except we’re outside so there aren’t any tables.

Maritsa’s text comes with a picture of her sprawled on the couch with Cleto, and the other two Mollicones, whose names Ángel still can’t remember. That’s a yes, she adds a moment later. Cleto says I have to be nice to you. Gabi says you’re family now. Just what I always wanted.

“Guess we’re buying wedding gifts,” Ángel says, showing Hayley the phone. She takes his phone away, leans in close and takes a selfie of the two of them and sends it back to the group chat. She follows it up with a picture of Tanner and Emerson.

I see you’re having fun, Gabi sends.

Ángel nudges Hayley, and she moves to sit on Tanner’s other side, reaching for one of the controllers. Laughter rises as they fight over which two get to play the game.

Yeah, pretty much. We kids have been sent away to play games until dinner.

Any good presents? Gabi’s next picture shows a stack of gifts, including clothes, and what looks like a model car. Tony’s going to build me a classic Ford truck. Fix one. He hasn’t gotten it yet, so he got me a model.

That explains it. Model fits better in your office to show it off.

You have a point.

His phone rings once, stops. Ángel switches over to the missed calls, frowning at the name there. He’s just about to touch it, call him back, when the phone starts ringing again. He touches the screen to answer, lifting the phone to his ear. “Hey, Tony.”

Tanner’s head swivels, and Emerson cheers when Hayley runs her car into Tanner’s.

“I’ll be right back,” Ángel says, slips out into the hall. He doesn’t want to go downstairs, where both the living room and kitchen are occupied, or stay out in the hall where his voice will echo. He makes his way down the hall to the guest room, tries not to notice that Hayley’s things are strewn all over as he mostly closes the door behind himself.

“You should come down to the shop.” Tony starts talking as soon as Ángel sits on the bed.

“I should—what? It’s Sunday. And Christmas,” Ángel points out. “I’m not working today, Tony, and neither are you. Go have fun with your family. Are you actually related to Sam and Max? I thought Sam just grew up on your street.”

“He did. Family’s a good word for it, though. Blood isn’t everything.”

It’s almost more than he’s heard Tony say in one stretch before, and it echoes a lot of what Maritsa’s been saying.

“I still don’t want to work on a Sunday. And if I leave before dinner, Joey will kill me,” Ángel says.

Tony snorts softly. “Your holiday will be over eventually. Your father will probably sleep on the couch. And you’ll be stuck watching old Christmas movies by yourself.”

“That’s… not inaccurate.” In fact, it’s a good description of past years. Sometimes he’d hang out with Tanner, but he suspects that this year Tanner and Hayley might want some quality time. And Emerson usually goes home with Mary a little early, before he can get worn thin. Which will probably leave Ángel on the sofa, watching classic movies with Abuela.

“I’ll pick you up. What time should I get there?” Tony says it like it’s a foregone conclusion, as if Ángel’s already said yes.

Ángel takes the phone from his ear, is still staring at it when the door creaks open. Tony says his name, audible even from a distance, and Tanner coughs from the doorway. Ángel puts the phone back to his ear quickly. “Tony. Hang on. Tanner just walked in.”

“Private conversation?” Tanner’s eyebrows both go high.

“Not like that.” Ángel has his thumb over the microphone. “Tony wants me to go to the garage later, after dinner’s over. Said he’ll pick me up.”

Tanner’s eyebrows climb higher. “Oh?”

“It’d give you some time with Hayley. Again. I mean, it’s not like we’ll be doing much other than napping or watching movies after dinner, right?”

Tanner sinks onto the bed, pushing Hayley’s clothes out of the way. “I could give you a ride. Maybe he’s got some big gift planned, like the garage changed their mind and they’re giving you the car repairs for Christmas.”

Ángel laughs dryly. “I doubt it.” He moves his thumb. “Tony—”

“I’ll be there at six.” Tony cuts him off before he gets a chance to say anything. “Wear old clothes. Anything you’ve got that you don’t care about. Be ready to go.”

The phone call cuts out before Ángel can respond, and he’s left staring at the ended call on his phone. He huffs, tosses the phone on the bed. “So. There’s that. He’ll be here at six.”

“Nice. Christmas date.”

Ángel grabs a pillow, shoves it in Tanner’s face to hide the smirk. He pushes him over onto the bed, flops down next to him as they laugh. “This is definitely not a date. Tony just broke up with his girlfriend so I’m pretty sure I’m not his type.”

“You’re someone’s type.” Tanner pops up on his elbow, reaches across Ángel to grab his arm. He wraps his fingers lightly around Ángel’s wrist, twisting it so he can rub his thumb across the image. “No ideas yet?”

“None at all,” Ángel admits. “Someone out there is wearing a picture on their wrist that means me, and I don’t know who it is or what it is, and I’m starting to wonder if I should care. I mean. I still love Hayley. You don’t hate me for this, which is good, because I’m pretty sure that by the time we go back to PHU, you’ll be head over heels for her.”

“Probably,” Tanner admits. “She’s incredible. And a lot like you.” His brow wrinkles as he looks down at Ángel, lets go of his wrist so he can tap his chest.

“Which is good for a straight boy like you,” Ángel mutters. “Don’t feel bad about it, Tanner. It’s okay. Oh, and sorry I kissed your almost girlfriend this morning.”

Tanner cocks his head, shrugs his shoulders. “If she was okay with it, then why would I be angry?” he asks. “It’s not like I own her or anything. And hey.” He flops back on the bed, arms spread out so that the one smacks Ángel in the chest. “Call me later, tell me about your date, okay?”

Ángel rolls his eyes. “It’s not a date, but sure. I’ll call you with all the glorious details of grease and grime. Or you could still be here when I get back, and you, me, and Hayley could stay up watching shit online until we can’t keep our eyes open.”

“That’s a good option, too,” Tanner agrees. “Think Emerson and Hayley would notice if we snuck a nap right now?”

Ángel laughs, because Tanner’s that guy who can close his eyes and sleep anywhere and anytime. He rolls onto his side, lets his hand rest against Tanner’s shirt. “I’m sure they’ll come get us when they need us,” he says. He might not nap, but the quiet is kind of nice, as is the feel of Tanner’s breath going slow under his hand.

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#welcome to phu #welcometophu #not your destiny #phu marked #marked

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iamthechocobabe · 8 years ago

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Tag! You’re It!

I was tagged by @bespectacled-girl gaaawwwww shucks folks

Name: Kaitlyn.

Nickname: I’ve been going by Kaitie pretty much since the day I was born.

Height: 5'3

Ethnicity: Caucasian or specifically, American with German/Irish/English mixed in. I am probably the whitest person out there, I am virtually a piece of wonder bread and the crust is just a myth (there’s a thing in my family that my great great great grandmother was native american, but it’s just a speculation).

Favorite fruit: I’m actually allergic to most fruits? My lips and tongue get all swelled up and I have a hard time breathing whenever I eat fruit (not to the point where I have to go to the hospital but it’s still very uncomfortable for me). If I’m gutsy enough, I’ll eat a banana or a honey crisp apple, but I have to suffer a few days of swelled lips if I do.

Favorite season: Winter I love love LOVE the cold.

Favorite Books: I actually don’t have favorite ‘books’ I have favorite ‘authors’ because I actually don’t read as much as I used to. H.C. Lovecraft, Shannon Hale, Melissa Meyer. I love retelling of fairy tales, so I love this series of books, Once Upon a Time (if you see Midnight Pearls, The Night Dance and Scarlet Moon, you’ve got the right books) and The Lunar Chronicles. Let’s face it, I’m a a Disney girl at heart.

Favorite Flower: Lilies

Favorite Animal: Dolphins, but they’re not my spirit animal. Tina Belcher is my spirit animal

Favorite beverage: Dr. Pepper most of the time, SMART water when I’m thirsty ( @roses-and-oceans THEY HAVE FISHES ON THE BOTTLES. I’VE BEEN DRINKING THIS SHIT FOR YEARS HOW COME I’VE NEVER NOTICED) and Simply Orange products, such as their OJ and Lemonade.

Favorite fictional character: While I love me some Prompto and the other bro’s, I have to say Belle from Beauty and the Beast for this one. She was and always will be such an inspiration to me, a show of that I should always be comfortable with who I am, no matter what anyone says.

Number of blankets: Two, one of which is Hello Kitty themed...my next project is getting a FFXV blanket, hehe

Blog created: Gosh, I think about a month ago, maybe less? I feel like I’ve already gained all these followers and it hasn’t even been that long (hey, 76 different and unique individuals who all have decided for whatever reason they like my shit? That’s an accomplishment if you ask me).

Number of followers: 76 people who, for whatever reason, want to see what I write and for that, I say OH MAH GAWD I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH ALD;JKFLDJFDLFJ *ALL OF THE SNUGGLES*

Tagging: ...okay, this is totally unfair as the only people I know have DONE IT ALREADY AND I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE TAGGING ANYONE ELSE ARGH. So, if you want me to tag you, send me an inbox or somethin’

#all about me #i guess

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medievalsamurai-blog · 7 years ago

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Chapter 1 Grabbing Your Attention Written By: Aki Hosoda

Prologue:

Our beautiful land was full of light. Our land is full of different kingdoms and creatures just like our world today. There are also heroes that bring more goodness in our world. Ranging from knights, wizards, rogues and many more. Things were pleasant in our beautiful land. But it was not until the darkness arrived. The darkness surrounds, brought something that should not be said in public. The darkness strips away layers upon layers until there was nothing left. The darkness whispered closely and after hearing the voice of darkness, darkness was in control. All was doom… at first. But it began enjoyment. Darkness puts its hands on two large hills then all the way down to a small moist cave. Then grabbing by the neck of the dragon, pulled, pulled, and pulled until flames rained all over the large hills. The darkness enjoyed it very much. Then the darkness proceeds to have the dragon enters a small rabbit hole located below the moist cave. There was pain at first then it became pleasure. Screams, so loud that it can be heard throughout the land. Ah! Ah! Ah! …

“… What the hell is this!?” exclaimed the armored man holding a book. “That is an erotica I’ve been working on,” said a short middle aged man in peasant clothing, “My wife told me my writing should be less explicit.”

“Yeah, well you’re better off as a gardener.” As the armored man tosses the book behind him and a disappointed peasant man catching the book; they are walking along the path in the woods being on their way to the peasant’s village. Suddenly the peasant man noticed a creature up ahead blocking the path and shrieks, “Look out! It’s a monster! It’s a Peach Frog!” The large creature has a body of a pink peach with arms, legs and a head of an average frog. It’s one of many different types of Fruit Frogs and there are others, such as Apple Frogs, Orange Frogs, Grape Frogs and so on. But Grape Frogs are just large normal looking frogs with purple skin that shit out grapes, puke out jelly and piss out wine; wine is very expensive in this world. The armored man gallantly steps forward and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll take this creature! After all, I’m from the Knighthood League! If my name isn’t- *splat*

The armored man was abruptly killed when a Peach Frog jumped on top of him. “Oh, shit! Oh, shit!” panicked the peasant man as he was trying to run away. The Peach Frog hops towards the peasant man, ready to eat him, suddenly the frog shrieked in pain. A thin blade popped out from inside the Peach Frog with a bright blue light emanating from the same stab hole. Then the sword rapidly swings in multiple direction, that could almost be seen in a naked eye, and the sword quickly went back inside the frog; yet the frog is still intact but motionless. A second later the frog exploded. As the peasant man is on his ass to the ground being shocked to what he just witnessed while the remains of the Peach Frog is raining down, he sees two figures that were inside the frog. One of them is a 5.3 feet tall male samurai with medium length coarse black hair and dark brown eyes wearing a black kimono robe with a white sash around his waist as a belt, white pants, a blue scabbard on his left side, pair of black shoes and a large brown drawstring bag strapped over his left shoulder; while holding a katana sword on his right hand while resting the blade on his right shoulder with his left hand is emitting blue flames. Another is a glowing blue fairy with round spherical body with two sets of insect-like wings and a pair of yellow eyes. These two are the main protagonists of this story. “Wow, way to make an entrance on a first chapter.” said the fairy, “This is why we should’ve stayed at an inn or pitched a tent!” “Well look on the bright-side,” said the samurai enthusiastically as he sheathed his sword, “we’re alive! Plus, we got food!” As the samurai picks up one of the remains of the Peach Frog, eats it and with his mouth full he says, “Holy shit! This is delicious!”

***

Hi, I’m the narrator. Some of you might be confused because a samurai popped out of nowhere. Some of you might be pissed because this is not a traditional medieval fantasy story with eloquent vocabularies, overly descriptive details and bunch of other shit. Well, here I say artistically speaking, traditions aren’t necessary and keep an open mind. Just look on the bright side, at least this story is not overly descriptive with a slow-paced narration of a constipated turtle like the book, The Great Gatsby, or else the prologue would’ve been longer than three pages if I described every little detail to the point of using the reader’s imagination would’ve been unnecessary; making this whole reading experience boring and painful as shit. And if any of you all are pissed by my statement, my only excuse is that this story is very comedic.

Anyway, this story sets in the land of Euros, which is no different than looking at the map of modern day Europe. Any countries in Europe that has euros for currency are regions in this story such as the French Region, the German Region, the Spaniard Region and so on. The currency consists of golden coins called Europes and silvers coins are called differently depending on the region such as in the French Region they would be called France, in the German Region they would be called Germany and so on. The currency in Euros works very similar to an American currency system, such as one Europe would equal 100 silver coins. And just like America’s currency with quarters, dimes and nickels, Euros also have that, but they are called Q’s, D’s and N’s. But the only difference is that Euros do not have pennies. Because pennies are useless. The setting of this world juxtaposes medieval Europe with post-modern American society, like The Flintstones, Dave the Barbarian or The Roman Holidays. This world, like any other world, is not perfect. Monsters are popping out of the woodwork, there are corrupt greedy kings, difference race of beings coexisting such as humans with different skin tones, elves, anthropomorphics (which are humanoid animals like some of the characters from Bojack Horseman) and so on; yet discrimination still exist and whole bunch of other shit. With all the chaos happening in the land of Euros, a long time ago the capital king created the Knighthood League to protect innocent citizens from danger, minimize illegal activities and provide service and needs at a certain price. It’s like a combination of police force and craigslist. The Knighthood League not only consists of knights, but it also includes various types of people with special skills and magical abilities; and a samurai is one of those people.

Speaking of a samurai, the samurai’s name is Akira Hikari (for those who are having a hard time pronouncing his name it’s Aw-Key-Rah He-Kah-Ree. You’re welcome). Akira is a 20-year-old man of the Yen descent. He has no memories of his native land yet he was told the Land of Yen was destroyed in the huge catastrophic war. He was abandoned and found on a fruit cart in Euro as so he claims. Energetic, good-hearted, naïve and he’s always up for an adventure. The fairy’s name is Ulric. He recently met Akira and through some circumstances he decided to stick around. He claims to be the smartest creature on earth. It’s worth noting that having an aide fairy is very outdated in this world. Reasons being is that people have access to helpful tips and guides in books and articles from the group of geniuses called The Scholar Society and aide fairies are known to be useless and very annoying. Yet Ulric stated, “those guys are fucking idiots. Anyone who relies on The SS might as well rely on horoscopes.” Nihilistic, jaded, sarcastic, intelligent and drunk half of time, yet, keep in mind, he is not completely heartless.

“Man, I can’t believe I finished this book after that long-ass exposition,” said Ulric as he’s holding the peasant man’s erotica with his top two wings while keeping himself flying with his bottom two wings, “but, yeah, you gotta be explicit or else people will read this entire thing with a soft dick. But I would quit while you’re ahead. Since many people have access to porn with their mirrors to jerk off to.” “Uh, thanks,” said the peasant man as he was given his book back, “I’ll keep that in mind.” The functions of mirrors in this world, besides pleasing narcissists, are used as cellphones, televisions, and computers. Pocket-sized mirrors, as cellphones, are called pocket-screens. Mirrors that are usually around 12”X16”, as computers, are called com-screens. And large wide mirrors ranging 16”X20” or larger, are called tele-screens. Many of you all would think if Akira had a pocket-screen and have access to guides and tips from the Scholar Society, he wouldn’t need Ulric. However, Akira’s pocket-screen’s only functions within certain limits are to call, text, record voices, take photos and get alerts from the Knighthood League. So essentially Akira has a go-screen. And Akira is in a huge debt of 19,800 Europes. Akira lives in an apartment complex called Creature Junction that is located within the capital kingdom of Euro, Paris. The kingdom is large as Paris in reality and it is surrounded by huge walls for protection. How his debt came to be was that on the day he bought his apartment he was given two payment options from his land lord. Either pay a monthly rent of 360 Europes or pay 19,800 Europes in three months and afterwards he’ll have a rent-free apartment. He chose the second option believing he could easily achieve that in three months. So, as of now, Akira cannot buy anything. And so far, Akira has 17,200 Europes left. Plus, Akira has poor direction skills outside of Paris. Anyway, the two heroes are on their way to the peasant man’s village to take over the request originally assigned to the dead armored man. “By the way,” said the peasant man, “thank you so much young… lady I-

“Actually I’m a man,” as Akira corrected him.

“Oh, sorry. You’re wearing a dress so I assumed you’re a woman. Unless if you’re a crossdresser-which I’m not judging or anything-

“This isn’t a dress. This is a kimono. Many people in the Land of Yen wore something like this.”

“… So, are all the men crossdressers in that land?”

“… No-or at least that’s what I think- anyway, this is just something that I like to wear.”

The peasant man shrugs and says, “Well if you say so.”

It’s worth noting that many people in Euros are not exposed nor familiar with the cultures from the eastern lands. That is why many people think Akira is a crossdresser. Akira is use to it, yet gets slightly irritated and often corrects people many times. “But again,” said the peasant man, “thank you so much for taking this request on such short notice!” “Yeah, you should be more than grateful,” said Ulric, “cause that one guy you’ve originally hired was one weak pussy ass bitch.” “Ulric!” exclaimed Akira.

“What? I’m just saying. Anyone who gets killed by a weak common creature, like a Peach Frog, says a lot.”

“Yeah, but he was still a human being! Don’t you think we should’ve given him a proper burial, said some words and contact his family instead of just burying his body in the middle of the path?”

“Akira, in a given circumstances, what we knew about that guy is that he had a face, he wore an armor and he was killed by a Peach Frog. So, I don’t it matters to literally anyone at this point.”

“Well it matters to me! That’s why I’m gonna go to his folks to tell them the news after this quest! Thankfully his address is within Paris.”

“Okay, we’re here,” said the peasant man.

Like most to all low economic villages, they have stone houses with roofs made of hay, a stone well full of drinkable water and various small fields of crops for food and manufacture; that is how most villages stay financially stable. Except in this village some of houses are falling apart and there’s a very large field with only three people tending the crops. Akira went up to the field to take a look at what they’re growing and exclaims, “Damn! These bean pods are huge! They’re bigger than regular beans!” “Wow, you’re easily impressed,” said Ulric sarcastically, “yeah those are called heart beans, beans that are the size of a healthy human heart. Haven’t you a seen one of these at a marketplace? It’s not like they’re rare.”

“I don’t go to marketplace that much; I usually hunt for my own food. I mean, what’s the point of buying food when there are shit ton of food you can find in nature.”

“Do you always know what you’re eating when you’re out there?”

“Rarely.”

“… I am surprised you’re not dead yet.”

Then Akira sees three people in a far distance tending the crops, he yells, “Hey! How’s it going over there?” The three people did not respond. “Okay, I could see you guys are busy!” as Akira kept yelling, “Keep at it!” As Akira walked back over to the peasant man, he asks, “So what’s the situation here?” “Well, it’s our local king,” as the peasant man began explaining, “we’ve been doing very well producing heart beans yet our king has been giving us less money than what we were supposed to earn. Some of the people from our village have tried talking to him, but they ended up getting yelled at and told us to produce more beans.” “Sounds like this guy’s a real asshole,” said Ulric, “who is this king?” “His name is Alexander Johnson,” continued the peasant man, “he is notorious for being aggressive and unreasonable. He was recently made king of this village after our previous king died. And just last week, one of our villager’s friend came to visit, who was an anthropomorphic frog, then our king came to visit with his two guards. When our king saw the frog guy, he immediately went up to him and asked him if he was gay. When the frog guy said yes, he was taken away up to his castle without saying anything! Do you understand the situation we’re in? Our village is terribly poor right now and at this rate this village will crumble to nothing!” “Hmm...,” said Akira, “unfair treatment towards the citizen and an undocumented arrest, yup, sounds like a real corrupt king. What do you think, Ulric?” “Oh I already knew the king is a real piece of shit the second we got into this village,” said Ulric, “any village with a depressing atmosphere is an obvious sign for a corrupt king.” “So,” said the peasant man, “does that mean you’ll help us?” As Akira looks at the peasant man with a gallant look and says, “Isn’t it obvious? Of course, I’ll help! I’m a hero after all!” Then the peasant man got on his knees and exclaims, “Oh thank you, kind sir! Here! Take these heart beans with you as our appreciation! But don’t eat more than five of these, or else you’ll damage your digestive system.” After the peasant man gave Akira an abundant amount of heart beans, he showed the path to King Johnson’s castle, which is on the top of the hill through the woods. The two heroes start their journey to the top of the hill. “Alright Ulric,” said Akira excitedly, “let’s do this shit!”

“‘I’m a hero after all’? Really!? Could you be anymore cliché than that horseshit line?” said Ulric.

“Well what else could I have said?”

“Anything! You could’ve said ‘will do!’ or ‘sure thing!’ or you could’ve walked off without saying anything for at least two second and say ‘let’s go fuck shit up!’”

“Ooh, I like the last one! I’ll be sure to remember that one for our next adventure!”

***

The two heroes showed up in front of King Alexander Johnson’s castle, which is a small two story enceinte castle that is made entirely out of gold with few windows and huge double doors. “Man, looks like this king likes to live luxuriously,” said Akira. “More like stupidly extravagant,” said Ulric as he is holding a tiny bottle of alcohol, “I’m surprised that this guy isn’t arrested yet. It’s pretty obvious what he’s been doing with those people’s money. Eh, whatever. Let’s go deal with this thing.” As Ulric chugged the entire bottle and tosses it behind him, the two heroes went up to the huge golden doors and Akira gave three knocks on the door. As one the doors opens, King Johnson showed up. He is a large thick man with balding hair wearing a gold tunic, pair of gold pants, a pair of gold shoes and a gold robe. “Who are you?” asked the hostile king, “This better be important, because I was in the middle creating an… info about the… the… uh… wars-yeah-wars.” “Sir, I’m from the Knighthood League,” said Akira, “and I was wondering if I could ask you some questions and search the whole perimeter of your castle.”

“… Do you have a search warrant?”

“Uh… no.”

“THEN GO AWAY!”

As the king slams the door, he goes back to sit on his golden throne, with his two golden armored guards, one of each standing next to him, and returns to his actual business: painting his penis gold. “You might be small, little guy,” said the king talking to his unfortunate penis, “but no ladies will deny sucking you off pretty soon.” Just like the exterior of the castle, everything inside is made out of gold as well. Stairs, floor, a very large chandelier and even his long carpet that leads to his throne to the double doors is made of gold. Just as Ulric said: stupidly extravagant.

“He’s definitely guilty,” said Ulric to Akira, “I mean, the castle is one thing, but asking for a search warrant is really obvious.” “How is that the case?” asked Akira.

“If anybody ask for a search warrant before any of the authorities come in, it’s clear that they are hiding shit.”

“Well you got a good point there. So far I took a photo of his castle, but we need more evidence to arrest this guy and we don’t have a search warrant.”

“In a situation like this, we don’t need a search warrant. Do you still have that lightning orb you found earlier?”

“Yeah, hold on a sec… found it!”

Akira pulled out a small yellow orb out of his bag and it is covered in blood from the raw Peach Frog meat. “Good,” said Ulric, “now throw it at that castle wall.” “What? No,” as Akira refused, “this is my only lightning orb and I don’t know how to cast spells. Plus, why do you want me to throw it at a castle?”

“Akira, trust me, I am smart enough to know many, many things. And besides it’s not like those spell orbs are rare, you could find more of them in our next quest and plus when the hell have you ever relied on those things? As far as I’m concerned, you’ve been doing just fine without them, so throw the damn orb!”

“Alright, alright!”

As Akira threw the orb at the castle wall, the orb shattered from the impact causing a huge electrical shock wave throughout the entire castle. While this was happening, there were loud screams from inside the castle. Akira was shocked to what just happened and exclaims, “Holy shit!” “Yeah,” said Ulric, “that’s what he gets for building this stupid castle. Honestly, building this thing on top of a hill is like asking mother nature to murder him when there are lightning storms. Anyway, c’mon Akira, let’s go.”

“Are you crazy! What if he’s dead!? Then I would be charged for murder! And what about that frog guy!? We should’ve at least checked if he was alive!”

“Akira, relax. That one orb isn’t enough to kill him, it’s enough to make him pass out. And also, you’re talking about a guy who is notorious for being unreasonable and from what we’ve heard from that villager, he’s definitely anthrophobic and homophobic! If you were that frog guy and if that golden hostile fuck went up to you and asked if you’re a gay frog and took you to his castle do you think you would be alive the next day? I don’t think so! Plus, it’s been a week, of course he’d be dead! His corpse is rotting somewhere in that castle! So, c’mon let’s get this shit over with!”

As the two heroes stepped inside the golden castle they see all three individuals being unconscious at the king’s throne; with the king slouched on his throne with his hand in his pants and his two guards on the floor. “Jesus,” said Akira. “I know,” said Ulric, “this guy is greedier than I thought. Look at this shit! Even his goddamn carpet is made of gold! And I’m willing to bet he only has two guards so he doesn’t have to pay much! What more does this excessive piece of fuck want!?”

“I was talking about them! I really hope they’re not dead!”

As Akira checks all three of their pulses, he gives a sigh of relief and says, “they’re still breathing.” “See?” said Ulric, “What did I tell ya? Aren’t you glad that I was right like many times before? You know, if it wasn’t for me, we wouldn’t be in here right now-

“Okay! I get it! You could stop busting my balls.”

“Hey Akira, can you move this carpet for a sec?”

As Akira moved the carpet, they found a hatch that is located right in front of the double doors and it’s the only one that is not made of gold. “Wow, look at that,” said Ulric, “the only thing in the castle that is not made of gold for once. Alright, Akira, open this hatch so I could go check this out and you go check upstairs.”

“Will do.”

After Akira opened the hatch Ulric went down to see what’s in the hatch, while Akira went upstairs. As Ulric reached six feet down below the castle, he found himself in a dark room. “Ugh! It smells like sulfur in here!” exclaimed Ulric, “And why is there not a single torch light? And I swear if I see more golden shit I’m gonna be pissed!” Then Ulric made himself glow brighter to illuminate the room and he found himself in a dungeon with bleak greasy brick walls with five skeletons without skulls chained to the wall. And when Ulric reached the other side of the room, he found a recently deceased corpse which revealed to be the same frog guy the peasant man mentioned. The frog guy’s corpse showed there was excessive bleeding from his ears and nose with his skull completely crushed. Ulric is shocked to what he saw and says, “Oh my god…”

Meanwhile, Akira is in the king’s bed room finding more things that are made of gold. “Dammit,” said Akira, “all I’m finding up here is more golden shit.” Feeling disappointed from finding nothing, he decides to go downstairs to see what Ulric found in the hatch. By the time he reached the hatch the king quickly woke up, noticed Akira and screams, “HEY! WHAT ARE DOING IN MY CASTLE!?”

“I should be the one asking questions,” said Akira, “why is there a hatch and have you been converting most of villager’s money to create this castle?”

“Are you kidding! Those villagers don’t need all that money! They have all that delicious beans to sustain themselves and I have been giving them plenty!”

“In an unfair amount! Those villagers deserve the amount money they earn from producing those beans!”

“Well those shit bags are down there and I’m up on this hill. So, they are the least of my concerns!”

“And what happened to that frog guy a week ago?”

“Oh, him? He’s been long dead. He’s an abomination like the rest of them gay froggers! You know there’s a lake that turns people gay and those frogs been swimming in it and they are using them tongues by licking people’s buttholes and turning them gay!”

“… Yeah, I don’t think that’s true.”

“IT IS GODDAMMIT! THERE’S A LAKE THAT TURNED THOSE FROGS GAY AND THOSE FROGS ARE MAKING MORE PEOPLE GAY WITH THEIR TONGUES!!!” No such lake exists. Even though this world is full of endless possibilities, but there is no magical lake that turns people into homosexuals.

“Well from your words, I think I have enough evidence to put you under arrest in the name of the Knighthood League,” said Akira as he revealed he was recording their conversation on his go-screen, “you gonna have to come with me to Paris.” The king’s face turned red with anger and yells, “I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE! ESPECIALLY WITH A CROSS-DRESSING WEIRDO LIKE YOU!!!”

“Then I guess I’m gonna have to take you by force!”

“OH BRING IT ON YOU SKINNY LITTLE BITCH! But first I need to fart.” As King Alexander, from the other side of the room, has his ass face towards Akira and grunting trying to concentrate; Ulric came out of the hatch and says “Hey! Akira! Listen-

“Just a sec Ulric,” said Akira, “I’m about to fight this guy but I’m letting him fart for a sec.”

“OH SHIT! AKIRA! MOVE!!”

As soon as the king farted, it did not come out as an actual fart sound, instead a loud booming scream vocalized as “FART!!!” came out; which created a large hole on the castle wall. Akira managed to dodge it; he is hanging on the top corner of the room. “What the hell was that!?” asked Akira being very confused. “There’s more to that greedy fat piece of shit than I’d anticipated,” said Ulric, “this guy is born with a skill of emitting highly enhanced scream of high amplitude. He is also one of those people who are born with two mouths: one on where it should be and the other on random places and it looks as though he has a mouth as an anus. It’s like that play Teeth but with anal.”

“LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CASTLE WALL!!!” scream the king. “Bitch! That was your fault!” said Ulric.

“I’M GONNA MAKE YOU BOTH BLEED TO DEATH!”

“Go ahead and try!” said Akira confidently as he emits blue flames from his legs; then he jumps from the wall to the floor then as the speed picks up he starts to rapidly bouncing off multiple surface in the room. Akira is born with a skill called Aura. This skill allows him to enhance his strength, defense, speed and magic one at a time. Usually there are spells for enhancement, but unlike the enhancement spells which can boost up by ten, Akira’s Aura can boost up to a hundred. Let’s say in a role-playing video game, like Final Fantasy, a character’s speed stat is 33. With an enhancement spell, it would only go to 43. But with Akira’s Aura, it would go up to 133. Akira’s Aura is also capable of enhancing other people, shoot beams and projectiles from either his hand or his sword and maybe more as time progresses as he levels up. Anyway, as Akira was about to throw a punch to the king’s face, the king let out a huge sonic scream of “YAAAAAH!!!” from his regular mouth; causing the whole foundation of the castle to vibrate and blasting Akira to the wall. As Akira got up and exclaims, “Ow! Dammit! I was so close!” Then the king lets out another vocalized sonic fart and Akira manages to dodge it very easily since he now knows the function of that ability. Then Akira keeps moving while Ulric is flying closely besides him and the king kept using his mouth attacks. “Looks like from his regular mouth, his attacks are pervasive,” said Ulric, “while his farts are more condensed yet twice as powerful! I hope, you got the idea to avoid his farts at all cost! Or else you’ll end up like that frog guy down in the dungeon! I’ve seen his corpse and it was fucked up! His skull was completely crushed!” “Shit!” exclaimed Akira, “well I can’t get close to him without having my ears bleed!”

“Then why don’t you use your sword for projectile attacks then?”

“I won’t.”

“What!? What do you mean, you won’t!?”

“I’m not using my sword against someone who is unarmed and is a non-dark intelligent living being. It’s not noble.”

“Akira, this is no time to be a bushido bastard! His voice and his fat ass are the only thing keeping him from being vulnerable! Unless if you have another plan to beat this guy if not we’re shit out of luck!” While the two heroes are still avoiding the king’s attack, Akira starts to slow down from using too much of his aura for enhancing his speed. “Aw shit!” exclaimed Akira, “I need to eat!” While still running, Akira quickly reached into his bag and pulled out some Peach Frog meat to chow down as fast as he could. One weakness about Akira’s ability is that it taxes his body’s stamina; in order to regain more aura energy, he has to eat something. By the time he finished eating, he hatched an idea. From that point, he starts to jump to one surface to another, the same thing he did before, except this time he threw a heart bean into the king’s mouth. After the king swallowed the bean whole, he yells, “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? ARE YOU TRYING TO FIGHT ME OR FEED ME!? But keep em coming. They’re deliciously peachy.” Without responding to the king, Akira kept throwing beans into the king’s mouth until he used up to the total of ten beans. After that, Akira quickly threw two fire orbs on the floor, completely missing the king, which then caused two large flames to appear in the room. Then Akira picked up two golden unconscious guards, went to the large hole that was created from earlier and yells, “Come on Ulric! Let’s get the hell out of here!” Then the two quickly got out of the castle leaving King Alexander Johnson surrounded by few flames. “YEAH! YOU BETTER RUN!” screamed the king, “THIS IS WHY NO ONE DARES TO MESS WITH KING ALEXANDER JOHNS- Oh god! What the hell? Ugh! My stomach!” Suddenly, the king’s stomach started to expand like a balloon. By the time he gotten really big, he became immobile and started to panic by saying, “UGH! AW SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!!!” Meanwhile, outside of the castle, Akira and Ulric, with two guards tied up and still being unconscious, are at short distance away from the castle. “I gotta have to admit,” said Ulric, “that was some good thinking there Akira.” “Thanks Ulric,” said Akira.

“And you might wanna cover your ears for this.” As both heroes covered their ears, they watched the golden castle explode in multiple pieces; with the king blasting off into the distance leaving a long smoke trail coming out of his ass while the king is screaming, out of fear, and his ass screaming out “FAAAAAAAAAH”. “I just hope he’ll land on something safe,” said Akira. “Don’t worry about it Akira,” said Ulric, “I’m sure with his thick body it’ll lessen the impact when he lands. Plus, judging by the distance he’ll land straight to Paris, where he’ll be arrested for sure.”

“Well, now I’m really relieved to hear that.”

“Yeah, that’s the charm of being main protagonists; they always have the highest luck.”

“What does that mean?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Anyway, let’s take those photos of that dungeon you’ve mentioned for one last evidence and let’s collect all the gold for those villagers.”

After the two heroes completed the quest, they’re on their way back to Paris while Akira is carrying three huge gold bricks. “Man, it was really nice of them to not only paying us 500 Europes but also giving us these golden bricks,” said Akira, “that’s even more than our last quest!” “Well you did handle that guy like a fucking boss,” said Ulric, “not a lot of knights would do something like that. In fact, no knights would ever do that!”

“Well I couldn’t have done without your help.”

“Yeah, no shit. You don’t need to say that twice.”

“By the way, how much Europes would be converted from these bricks?”

“Definitely 3,000.”

“Sweet! … I feel really good about today. With the two of us, I feel like we’re gonna accomplish a lot of great things … I’m glad I found you Ulric.”

“And I’m glad you’re not weak little bitch. Hey, by the way, have much time do you have to get that debt taken care of?”

“A month.”

“Wait… A MONTH!?”

“Uh… y- yeah.”

“What the fuck have you been doing for the past two months!?”

“… Did I mentioned that I’m not very good with directions outside of Paris?”

“Are you that bad!?”

“… Yes.”

“What the fuck!? … WHAT. THE. FUCK!?!?”

Debt Counter: 13,700 Europes

31 Days Left

Epilogue:

As Akira went up to a one-story house he knocked on the door and an average woman wearing a blue tunic opens the door and asks, “can I help you?” “Yes, ma’am,” said Akira, “is this the household of Thomas Fister?”

“I’m his wife. So yes, what do you want with my husband?”

“Actually, I’m from the Knighthood League and I came here to inform you that… your husband unfortunately died by being crushed to death by a Peach Frog… I’m really sorry for-

“Hold on, wait… Did you say my husband got crushed by a Peach Frog?”

“… Yes.” After three seconds of silence, the woman broke out into huge laughter. “Oh my god!” laughed the woman, “Hey Phillip! Come here!” A tall muscular man wearing nothing but white braises show up at the door and says, “What it is?”

“My dumbass husband,” said the woman while still laughing, “got killed by a Peach Frog!”

“Oh my god!” laughed the muscular man, “What a shitty way to die! Now we don’t have to worry about getting caught!” It is clear that Mrs. Fister was having an affair with that muscular man. Akira, being very confused by the situation, says, “Okay… I’m gonna go now.” “Okay! Take care!” said the woman still laughing. Then Akira walked away from the house while those two were still laughing their ass off.

#medievalfantasy #fantasy #samurai #comedic #comedy #alex jones #lol #book #funny #funnytext #hilarious #frogs

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kyotocollection · 8 years ago

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Japanese Cat Names

Japanese cat names are an interesting window onto the culture. Are you looking for a Japanese name for your kitten? Or maybe you've seen a famous cat or two in manga or anime and are curious about what sort of names Japanese people choose for their feline friends. Whatever the basis for your curiosity, I'll do my best to share what I've learned as an animal lover living in Japan since 1997. I've enlisted the help of Japanese friends in this pursuit, to be sure that my understanding squares with theirs, and ended up learning as well as confirming a lot in the process!

Let's look at some names for male and female cats. More than just giving a name with a translation, I want to pass along some related information that will give you a better idea of naming conventions in Japan so that if you're looking for a name, you'll have more confidence in going with your inspiration and choosing something whether it's on a list or not.

I also want to introduce you to katakana, the relatively simple Japanese syllabary that's most often used to write pet names. And I'll mention a point that's often overlooked, natural intonation so that when you call to your cat, it sounds pretty much the same as it would if the owner were a native speaker. We'll also take a look at an important aspect of names in general in Japan, suffixes that add warmth and familiarity when used.

Foreign Pet Names-It Goes Both Ways

So let's dive in. First off, it's worth noting that In Japan, pet owners sometimes choose a western name over a Japanese one for the same reason you might be considering something Japanese-it's a novel way to express your interest in a culture outside your own and to be a bit different.

And when Japanese people choose a western name for a pet, it's often a person's name. A Japanese friend once had a dog named John, for example. I never asked her why she it, but I'd bet she liked an actor or singer by that name. The most famous Japanese cat with a western name is probably Michael of 'What's Michael?' fame. The manga was such a hit that it spawned a long running animated TV series in the 80's.

Japanese people sometimes choose the names of Japanese celebrities for their pets as well. So if there's a Japanese actor or musician you like, you might consider using a version of their name. Ichiro isn't likely to be offended if you're a baseball fan and name your cat after him!

Speaking of stars, Leo the Lion isn't just a constellation, he's also one one reason why there are so many cats in Japan with the name, pronounced 'Lay-Oh.'

In similar fashion, the Japanese word for tiger, Tora, works quite well as a name because it's short and it's no stretch to imagine most cats as mini tigers, especially if they have stripes. Most cat names in Japan seem to be two syllables, with some three-syllable monikers in the mix. Keeping it short and sweet is a good angle to approach things from, it seems.

Japanese Cat Names from Flowers and Plants

Flowers and plants are another source of inspiration. Japanese girls are often named after flowers and cats are, too. The Japanese word for flower is hana, and Hana is a very popular name for female cats.

You might well already know some Japanese plant names like Sakura(cherry) and Ume(plum). Momo(peach) and Sakura are also among the most popular female cat names in Japan. But don't stop there-other flowers such as Kiku(chrysanthemum) are also prime candidates! Mums have a rich, regal history in Japan and are associated with the Imperial family.

I thought up some names of fruits in Japanese and ran them by some Japanese friends, wondering if they would work as cat names. These are the ones that passed muster as cute, easy to say possibilities for female cats-Ichigo(strawberry), Suika(watermelon), Anzu(apricot), and Mikan(mandarin orange.)

Think of various aspects of these names and others. If for example, you got your cat in summer or she was born then or just strikes you as having a summery personality, referring to her as the Japanese word for watermelon might hit just the right note.

Another fruit name that got the thumb's up from Japanese friends was Ringo(apple), but I nixed it because though it's indeed catchy, you might be mistaken for a die-hard Beatles fan with that one, and could soon get fed up with explaining the real meaning behind the choice!

Use Your Cat's Appearance as Inspiration

Another fertile filed to plow when it comes to names is your cat's coloring. In Japan, the words for black(kuro) and white(shiro) are both standard choices for cats and dogs of both sexes.

If you happen to have a calico cat, you might consider the name Mi-ke. I added the hyphen to try and differentiate it from the common western name Mike, as it's pronounced Mee-kay. It literally means 'three-hair' and refers to the three colors of fur that calicoes sport. Japanese calicoes are usually predominantly white along with two other colors, and are a very popular breed in Japan and abroad. Many Japanese cat owners in fact name their calico Mi-ke, just as countless western dog lovers over the decades have named their pooches Spot.

Is your cat small? Then maybe something like 'Mame(pronounced (Mah-may) would be just right. Mame means bean in Japanese, and has a cute, diminutive sound to it. You might know this word already, as it's part of the word for soy beans, edamame(literally, branch bean). In a similar way, the name Mikan mentioned above has an endearing connotation, as it brings to mind something small and round.

Speaking of beans, the most popular female cat name in Japan taken from something edible might be 'Azuki.' Azuki is a type of bean that's often used in Japanese cuisine, especially in making traditional sweets. The notion of eating beans in sweets seems odd to many westerners, but take my word for it, bean based sweets are delicious and you shouldn't come to Japan without trying some!

So naming your female cat Azuki, pronounced 'Ah-zu-key, would be a great choice if you're looking for a name that is 'authentic' in the sense that Japanese cat owners favor it. And as with Mame, being a type of bean it carries with it the same cute, petite connotation. Since azuki beans are reddish brown, this name would work especially well if your cat has similar coloring. Do a net search for 'azuki' and you'll find photos of this culinary staple.

Traditional Seafood and Sweet Names Add a Wealth of Possibilities

All this talk about food is getting me hungry, so let's brainstorm with some words from Japanese cuisine that might strike your fancy.

Wasabi anyone? How about Matcha(green tea)? Or Toro(fatty tuna, a delicacy)? Then there's Wakame(a variety of seaweed), Ikura(salmon eggs), Saba(mackerel), Awabi(abalone), and the list goes on. In a similar way, many Japanese dog and cat owners choose names like 'Latte' and Mocha' these days. I think that names taken from seafood cuisine can be especially good fits with cat names, since they seem to enjoy such delicacies at least as much as we do!

I have a sweet tooth, so I'm partial to Mochi(pounded rice cake) sweets of all kinds. I also have a weakness for Dango(usually 3-4 small balls of mochi pounded rice on a stick). We could go on and on brainstorming with foods, and I encourage you to have some fun with this. But with foods and with this process in general, take care not to get too esoteric, because you might well come to regret choosing a name that only you and a friend or two can remember and understand.

Japanese culture is finely tuned to the seasons and the natural world, and the cuisine reflects that. You'll see ample evidence of this focus on nature in names like Sora, the word for sky. It's a staple on recent ranking lists for popular Japanese cat names and can be used for both males and females. Note that the 'r' in sora is pronounced a bit differently than in English.

Famous Japanese Cats

I've already mentioned a famous cat, Michael, though he only exists in the world of comics and animation. Ask about the most famous Japanese cat who's ever lived, and the name Tama is bound to come up. Perhaps because she gained fame so recently. In any case, she was certainly a phenomenon!

Tama was a female calico who died in 2015 after going viral as the station master at Kishi Station in western Japan. She gained an international following and was responsible for a huge surge in tourism to the area. The name Tama is a cat name with a long history in Japan, much as the name Socks is thought of as a traditional cat name in some English speaking countries. As a name it doesn't carry any special meaning, its popularity is mainly due to the way it sounds-short, easy to say and somehow endearing.

Sometimes a good name can boil down simply that. And having such a common name certainly never held Tama back! If anything, it made her even more memorable. Of course the little station master's cap she wore at a jaunty angle also made her hard to forget!

If you happen to be a fan of the perennially popular manga Sazae-san about a family and their foibles that was first published in the 40's, you'll also know that the family's male cat was called Tama.

And Tama was also the name chosen by the company that produces a series of cat themed furoshiki Japanese fabric cloths that I feature in my shop, as well. This particular Tama is quite active with an eye for scenic spots, including the charming traditional buildings accented by cherry blossoms in full bloom on the furoshiki cloth below:

Other Key Cultural Notes

Now let's move to some general points about Japanese cat names. First, intonation for names is basically flat. So all syllables get similar stress. It's common for native English speakers to pronounce the names of Japanese people as well as pets as they would in English, which often results in unnatural pronunciation. This often happens with three syllable words, as the middle syllable often gets stressed when it shouldn't get such special attention. I have a Japanese friend named Yumiko who lives in the states, for example, who is often called 'Yu-MI-ko with the middle part stressed. Similarly, Yukiko is known as 'Yu-KI-ko.'

This tendency doesn't manifest much in two syllable words, and since most common pet names are short, like Tama, they end up being pronounced pretty much as they should be, with equal stress given to both syllables. But others, like Azuki that we looked at above, can become 'Ah-ZU-ki' if you're not aware of this aspect of Japanese language.

Then there's the custom of adding suffixes to names. This is a key point to keep in mind, as it might steer you toward choosing one cat name over another, depending on how the name sounds in this form.

If you're an anime or manga fan, you're probably already well aware of the propensity to add 'chan' and 'kun' to the end of names. Kun is basically used for boys and men, and like chan, conveys a familiarity and warmth. Chan can be used for young boys as well as for girls and women. Adults can use these honorific suffixes with friends to show affection, though it's rude to use these suffixes to address a superior. The first three letters of 'chan' are pronounced as in the name of the Cuban dance known as the Cha-Cha.

When we consider pet names, chan is the one to focus on, because it covers both sexes when it comes to animals. And since pets are more often than not seen as cute and endearing, it's very natural to add chan to the end of their names. So, Sora becomes Sora-chan. Tama is Tama-chan. Presto! What was a cute name to start with gets even more so.

Some names lend themselves better to the 'chan' treatment, in terms of how easily it all rolls off your tongue. Take for instance the sweets mochi and dango I mentioned above as possibilities. 'Mochi-chan' is a bit harder to say than 'dango-chan' so based strictly on that, the latter would win out.

One thing to keep in mind with this-chan is usually something you use to refer to someone else's child or pet, not your own. It's not rude or inappropriate to use it for your own pet, but it's most often a way for others to express a sense of affection and closeness for someone outside their own immediate family. So if you choose a Japanese name for your cat, informing those around you of this 'chan' add-on will pay dividends!

Finally, I'd like to make a list of all the names we've covered here, includes my brainstorms and some cat names that are among the most popular in Japan. When there's a meaning, I'll include that, and I'll also add the name as it's written in the katakana alphabet. Often there is a kanji character for a name, but even then, the katakana is preferred when its used as a pet's name. I've included the kanji characters mainly to illustrate just how simple the katakana is by comparison!

So if you have an interest in what a name looks like when written, don't make it unnecessarily hard by considering kanji characters. Katakana characters are not only simple in their minimal number of angular strokes, but they're also preferred according to convention in this context. Knowing a bit more about Japanese cat names, including not only their meanings but how they're used can be a great way to delve more deeply into the culture in general. If you have any questions related to this topic, please leave a comment!

Name Katakana/Kanji sex meaning/reference Ichiro イチロー M Baseball player Tora トラ　虎 M/F tiger Hana ハナ　花 F flower Sakura サクラ　桜 F cherry, cherry blossom Ume ウメ　梅 F plum, plum blossom Momo モモ　　　桃F peach, peach blossom Ichigoイチゴ　苺F strawberrySuikaスイカ　西瓜F watermelonAnzuアンズ　F apricotMikan ミカン　F mandarin orange Kuro クロ　黒M/F blackShiroシロ　白M/F whiteMi-keミケ　三毛M/F calicoMameマメ　豆M/F beanWasabiワサビ　M/F Japanese horseradish Matchaマッチャ　抹茶M/F Japanese green tea ToroトロM/F high grade cut of tuna IkuraイクラM/Fsalmon eggs Sabaサバ　　鯖M/FmackerelWakameワカメ　若布M/F seaweedAwabiアワビ　 M/F abaloneMochiモチ　餅M/F pounded rice cakes Dangoダンゴ　団子M/F skewered pounded rice cakes Soraソラ　空M/F skyTamaタマM/F ------ Kikuキク　菊F chrysanthemum

from Kyoto Collection: Latest News http://kyotocollection.com/blog/japanese-cat-names/

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