#(I assume that is what we are calling our untreated mental illnesses now)

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

gender is a performance and i am but a reluctant backstage emo whose parents made them sign up for tech crew as an Extracurricular

[brotherslayer]

2/2 ahh before i forget, this is an addition to my rambling about athy having depression? i think i forgot momentarily (i hope i didn’t but just to make sure let’s assume i forgot) that ana was also most likely abused. and, i really don’t want to pull a “this person suffered much worse than this person, therefore...” because trauma is trauma regardless of its severity and i don’t want to dismiss ana’s trauma in any way. it’s different for everyone and we can’t compare two people’s trauma. it’s not right. but what i meant was, claude and anastacius went through different situations. claude was the youngest and an illegitimate child at that, so he got the short end of the stick. while anastacius (again, he was still abused) was favored being the eldest and the crown prince, son of the empress (i’m so glad she’s dead).

also! super interesting there’s parallels here as well right? claudes mother loved him, while the empress most likely did not love anastacius. she wants power. she manipulates and pushes him into becoming emperor. and her love is conditional. if he loves her, he will become emperor. she cares about him because her child is her link to the emperor/power. but please don’t think i’m justifying how awful these two brothers were, especially claude. ack i don’t wanna justify any character’s behavior 😭 even if they are trying to be better people it will never fix the harm that they have done, and it’s not justified by black magic or a sad backstory. like they don’t spend enough time talking about it. and there’s also something to be said about athy having to work for her father’s love and not the other way around, honestly...

speaking of inherited trauma, i wonder why diana decided that yes, she wanted to have a baby with claude. like i don’t expect them to have our understanding on why having children when there’s a history of mental illness/addiction in the family is going to result in the child being most likely to also have it, even if you want to say they will be ok. but even without this knowledge i still find it strange, knowing how violent the history of the imperial family is, it is going to affect your child somehow, no matter how much you shelter them from it. did claude tell her? assuming diana knows, why would she have a child in the same place where so many atrocities happened aaaa 😭😭☠️

and last addition i swear, more than mental illness, lucas has untreated trauma. i think i called it mental illness but yeppp it’s more trauma and ur right in lucas and athy’s case it feels more like trauma bonding over their abusive childhoods. and there’s a long, LONG way to go for lucas to be good in my books. not sticking up for him like i said. there wasn’t any redemption for him and no one ever called him out for his mistakes. he sort of felt it when claude was in a coma and athy was having her dark thoughts and i wanted him to show more character development SO BADLY. to feel the consequences of his actions. he pretty much sets the events of this story in motion. i do wonder if part of his immaturity and lack of empathy is being desensitized since he’s been alive for centuries. you say the manhwa is ending? aeternitas died way too easily, and lucas still needs like five more arcs and of him being regretful and powerless before i consider his character has actually grown. still angry at this dude sorry 😀

ok now i’ll go back to sleep x

The thing with Ana is that psychological abuse is harder to spot since it does not leave visible scars. In the few panels of their childhood we have seen two panels where Claude is bruised and it's enough to tell that his abuse was severe. However it's hard to tell with Ana. While we do have a scene where the Empress yells at him, we don't know if this was an only time thing or not. And if it wasn't: how often did she do it?

I read somewhere that screaming at a child seems to have similar effects, especially if it’s pervasive enough and ongoing, to hitting. Basically the same parts of the brain are activated, you show the the same fear mechanisms as to smacking, the same neurotransmitters are released and allegiently it leads to some fairly harmful psychological effects over time.

Was it only psychological abuse the empress employed if she already had a history of animal cruelity and child abuse, possibly also abuse against the servants? It seems to me fairly possibly that she could have hit Ana in the heat of the moment. Besides how hard did she push him to suceed? Did she isolate him from the outside world, deny him time with his friends to make room for his extra lessons? Was he forced to study until late at night until his nose bleed and he felt dizzy from stress? A pressure to perform can quickly turn into another form of abuse as well. And let's not forget that besides performing his duties as the crown prince he was also practically parenting baby Claude when he himself was only around 12-14 years old. Not conding anything but Ana redirecting his anger to someone defenseless and blaming Claude was almost inevitable especially when his mother encouraged him.

Regarding the black magic argument. I see it similar to drunk driving. Adult Claude knew the dangers of alcohol/black magic and chose to consume it anyway before driving. He didn't care for the consequences (death of civilians/Athy), but Ana was a child when he was introduced to dark magic at a young age by another adult with bad intentions and got practically forced to consume it (Aeternitas trying to get into his head). Ana also only attempted to kill one person while Claude committed mass murder. As Anastacius de Alger Obelia's defense attorny I must say I would let him go due to lack of supporting evidence.

About Lucas idk anymore. Spoon apparently decided to scratch the plotline about his abusive childhood and basically made him a god? Baby Lucas just popped into existence and the magician adopted him?? So is his lack of empathy because he's not human or did he lie, because he felt uncomfortable to talk to Athy about his terrible childhood? Who knows. And Diana...can't analyse her. She's basically a white man's fantasy.

[ittybittydragonfox]

Mental Illness is Not Psychic Power

That’s a doozy of a title, ain’t it? But it’s true, and it reflects the lies I was told by my earth-and-spirit-loving pagan and witch communities growing up. For those that don’t know, I’m a lifelong witch of 25 years from a generational family that’s been practicing witchcraft for 200 years. My parents are also pagans. My father is a legal, ordained High Priest.

And despite all that spiritual education, I still grew up hearing these two phrases: “Mental illness doesn’t exist. All you need is to connect with nature and your spirituality.” “You’re not mentally ill, you’re psychic!”

Sounds a lot like “You’re a wizard, Harry!” And just like Harry Potter is a pile of fiction, so are these statements. Let’s talk about it.

I don’t talk about my personal demons too much, but I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). These two things combined have resulted in two very real symptoms that the pagan and witch communities like to attribute to psychic awareness: hallucinations (”Visions”) and erratic, unpredictable, sometimes strange behavior that is complete uncharacteristic of me (”Channeling”). Those that live with me (my partner and, in the past and near future, roommates) have gotten to see me do some truly odd things in an attempt to hide my illness, but the things I do when I can’t hide it anymore are even more strange. I’ve hidden in sheds in my pajamas in -20 F weather because I thought my hallucinations couldn’t follow me there. I’ve spoken in a heavy accent from a country I’ve never been to. I don’t answer to my name. I ask people I’ve known for years, in homes I’ve lived in for months “who are you and where am I?”

Growing up, I showed a lot of these odd symptoms. I do have psychic abilities, and so, when I started hallucinating at the age of 14, my parents wanted to believe my Sight/Clairvoyance was just showing me “new things”. But the fact was, my PTSD had been so bad, and untreated for so long, that I was seeing things that truly weren’t there. These are not spirits. They are my fears incarnated into visuals and sounds. The more terrified I became, the more my pagan parents, our churches, and covens would tell me that “everything is alright. These are just spirits. You know how to banish spirits. We’ll help banish them. You’re just getting more powerful. You’re just becoming more aware.” And no matter what I did, no matter how powerful the High Priest/ess in my church, no matter how in-tune the witch in my circle was, they could neither sense these spirits, nor banish them. They assumed that because my psychic senses are overdeveloped anyway, I was seeing something invisible even to most powerful psychics. The truth was, I was just a frightened child being followed around by a grinning, white monster created by my own mind specifically to scare me. And the constant sound of doors being slammed or dogs growling that only I could hear was keeping me awake every night and ruining my straight-A performance in school.

I’ve had DID since childhood, and my parents were used to my erratic, uncharacteristic behavior. They shrugged off my not answering to my name, and my friends seemed to just accept that I called myself by 20 different names. The truth was, I was dissociating, and an alter had taken my place. And no, I couldn’t control it. I still struggle with control. DID is not something I get a choice in. It’s not fun and it makes my life extremely difficult. I don’t enjoy waking up after 3 days to find that my friends have been trying to call me, I didn’t attend my doctor’s appointments, and I may have done any number of things, none of which I can remember. And that’s if I get lucky and wake up at home. My pagan and witch communities believed I was channeling, because I am a spirit worker, and they believed I was one of the best at it, save for the fact that I couldn’t control it. They believed when they spoke to me as my child alter, that they were speaking to the Young God, or a child spirit, through me. But they weren’t, and they refused to believe otherwise. They never questioned that they were talking to God or a fairy or what have you.

This comes from a misguided belief that mental illness isn’t real. Or that it can be treated with some herbs and yoga. Because of this, I spent 10 years struggling with my mental illness untreated. Everywhere I went, people looked at me as something to Be. “A powerful psychic who sees into a whole other world.” They viewed me as dramatic or gatekeep-y when I said I wouldn’t want others to have this “power” or that I wouldn’t teach them to see. But the fact is, I was incapable of teaching anyone anything about these skills. Because I didn’t have them. I had a mental illness, and my brain was rebelling against me.

This absolute denial that mental illness exists leads to people attributing illness with power. It’s not healthy, and it leads to a really harmful culture where people with mental illness can’t see that they need help, and they don’t get the help they need. Often times we end up with people with illnesses leading groups, sometimes working with the “visions” (hallucinations) they’re having. Or worse, we end up with this toxic idea that taking the medicine someone might need is hindering their awareness, which is some ableist bullshit I still fight with all the time in psychic circles.

I’m not saying that clairsenses don’t exist. I have them, and I believe in them, but there must also be a balance of discernment in the pagan and witch communities. We have to learn to accept the science: The brain is an organ, and it can malfunction just like any other organ can. Mental illness is an illness, and it often needs the help of doctors and therapists to treat it. Loving ourselves and building a better community means it’s time to examine this ableist bias, and do what’s right, so that we stop passing these gross ideas down to the next generation of magic-inclined folx.

My psychic community meant well, but in their effort to erase illness, they made me sicker and used that sickness as a reason to both uplift me and spite me. They gave me undue praise and anger for a thing I can no more control than someone else can control their diabetes. And worst of all, they blinded my family into not getting me help before these illnesses very nearly took my life. My parents almost lost their son to the depression that comes with PTSD. And it took them almost losing my sister too for them to understand that while we may have psychic abilities, we are also sick, and we need help. My parents have since become an active part of my and my sisters’ recoveries. They support us, where once they had been afraid of us losing something if we took these steps, and do their bests to uplift us. We’re both better. Neither of us want to die anymore. I’m on anti-psychotics and an anti-depressant now. I still have hallucinations but they are manageable. I’m in talk therapy, and I’ve learned how to decipher what’s the difference between me seeing a spirit, and me hallucinating. I still do spirit work, but I understand that my alters are not spirits possessing me. They are fragments of my mind, and I am reflected in them. I’m learning to come to terms with that and trying to go through integration. It’s a long road. I still see spirits. My medicine did not take that from me. I still talk to deities. My medicine didn’t take that away either. But my medicine does help me approach them without fear, and with certainty that they are real, and not a figment of my ill mind. And because of that, I can have a meaningful, fulfilling relationship with spirits and deities, built on trust and love instead of the innate fear of “not knowing”.

So for anyone out there who needs to hear it, because it’s important: You are not a failure in your faith or spirituality because you realized you are ill and sought help. Taking care of your mind does not make it, or you, weaker. Let’s change the narrative, and learn as a community that seeking help is how we grow stronger.

Jake

[wolfenm-marveling]

There are three big reasons I have not and don’t want to see Endgame ....

For one, I wrote a lengthy article about that will run in June at Sequential Tart (I'll update this post with the link when it goes live *EDIT* Here it is: The Subject of Character Death, Revisited - http://www.sequentialtart.com/article.php?id=3362 ). The other two, I'll talk about here; they involve Steve and Bucky.

I know what you’re thinking: Wolfie, how can you form an opinion on a movie you haven't seen? Well, I do have mental health issues (undiagnosed and untreated because I have no insurance or job, yay), so when the film was released in China, I found someone to spoil me so that I might make an informed decision as to whether or not I could *handle* seeing it, given some worries I had (and especially since 3 hours without a bathroom break was not going to work for me or my companion). I determined from that convo that it would be a Very Bad Idea for me to see the film.

Even seeing the constant posts about it  -- especially ones that called it a  “beautiful” or “perfect” end, etc. -- was triggering anxiety and mental anguish / circular thoughts (admittedly in part because there were similarly “bad” things happening in other fandoms of mine -- it was too much at once). And I'm STILL having massive issues with circular thoughts about it.

This essay isn't meant to tell anyone they’re wrong about how they perceive / feel about the film, BUT, while I know I shouldn't care what other people think, the sitch still makes me feel how I feel: frankly, a bit disturbed that people are loving things that are making me so awful. I feel like I've stepped into some sort of Bizarro world -- like I'm somehow in the wrong universe. It’s very distressing. (I mean ... they call it mental *illness* for as reason, right?)

In this franchise where I once found such great joy, I now find little more than anguish. It’s actually been making me physically ill to see the posts -- or to look on my massive Marvel collection; I've had to box much of it away for now. Hopefully some day I can enjoy it again. (I can't exactly stop using my $60 Captain America backpack I begged for, for my birthday, though. :/)

I find that when my thoughts get like this (like I'm on a runaway train that keeps revisiting the same stations), the only thing that helps even a little is to sort out my thoughts on the page -- even if I’ve done it before, as I have with this in the comments section of friends posts. (You may have seen other people express similar thoughts, too.)  And really, I don't want to rain on my friend’s parades, so I figure I’ll post it in my own space, and then if people ask me my thoughts, I can just point them here. And hopefully this post will help others who are similarly struggling (I know there are at least a few).

As for the old chestnut “It’s just a story/ a fictional character”, well, for one thing, let me repeat: mentally ill here. If I could control how I feel, I wouldn’t BE mentally ill. But also, I'm a writer who feels writing is a sacred calling, so when I feel a story is badly told, I tend to take it personally. Yes, I know my opinion is not the be-all, end all -- if you think it’s a good story, yay for you. Me, I feel betrayed by this story in a way I have rarely felt before (the other biggest instance having happened the week before the film's release, so double-whammy, yay).

Warning: if you read any further, I assume you either saw Endgame or don’t care about Spoilers.

(*edited to add* If you need some solace too, check out @antiendgame to find other people who are upset.)

The first upsetting points for me were the Noble Deaths (and, in Loki’s case, lack of resurrection) -- I hate that trope with the fire of a thousand suns. But that’s what I wrote the article on (including how 2012 Loki’s escape doesn't make me feel any better), so no more on that here.

Now, let me preface the rest of this by saying no, I wasn’t expecting a romantic presentation of Stucky. And as hard as I ship them fanon-wise, I don’t actually hate Steggy -- I adore Peggy in her own right (and like the idea of them  being a threesome with Bucky).

What I DO hate is that Steve abandoned Bucky for her.

Aside from Steve’s moral compass, Bucky was the impetus behind pretty much *everything* Steve did in his trilogy. He found the missing soldiers because Bucky was amongst them. Bucky’s death broke him -- and finding him again in Winter Soldier seemed to give Steve, who was clearly depressed, new life. Despite Sam insisting Bucky was Gone, Steve wouldn't kill Bucky to save the world. And in Civil War, Steve fought other dear friends, and was willing to throw away his own freedom, to protect his best friend. So how the FUCK is them being *separated pretty much forevermore* a satisfactory end to that story???????

TL;DR, the Captain America movies were about the repeated separation and reunion of Steve and Bucky … and yet we barely got to SEE them together before Steve said sayonara to the man he’d been best friends with for over a for over a decade, to go be with a woman he’d known for about a year. 

A woman who’d already had a family without him.

Yeah, we can say her family still exists in the original timeline -- but I have seen soooo many different explanations of how the time sitch works out, it’s not even funny.

Really, that’s the third reason I don't want to see the movie: I HATE time paradox, and this movie sounds riddled with it. Also, as I understand it, the writers and the Russos are saying different things, with the Russos saying it’s a different timeline (which apparently Steve would be going *back* to after the shield pass, for some reason, and yeah, that bothered me, that he didnl't even give his best friend that momento, and sent their last onscreen moments together talking to SAM), and the writers saying no, the alternate timelines were only a thing when the Stones were in play. So yeah, Steve could spend the rest of his life with Bucky then ... but that means he also would have erased Peggy’s family (and maybe her work). Unless he was the man she married all along.

Either way, it would mean that Steve let Bucky suffer, and let HYDRA infiltrate SHIELD, neither being things I could see him doing.

And if it IS a branched-off timeline, I LOATHE that time theory, because it means NOTHING WE DO MATTERS. There’s always a version of us that’s our worst selves, and people who suffer because of it. That’s hella depressing. (Even if it would explain why I feel like I'm in the wrong world.)

At any rate, the ONLY end I really wanted was to see Steve and Bucky get to be together, no matter how -- “just friends” would have been fine. It was literally the thing I wanted most in the whole damn MCU franchise (aside from seeing Loki be redeemed and then fight alongside the Avengers. *sigh* At least I didn't have high hopes there ...). I would rather Steve had taken Bucky back in time WITH him, even if Steve still married Peggy; time paradox issues aside, I could have lived with that -- yes, even if it meant we didn’t get The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. (And honestly, how much am I supposed to look forward to that anyway, when Sam has been such an *inexplicably* uncompassionate asshole to Bucky in WS and CW? A guy who runs meetings for people with PTSD holds a grudge against a guy who was brutally mind-raped? It's like they made him OOC for the lolz!)

As for “Oh, but Bucky knew and he was okay with it!”

Uh, if he was okay with it, it's just because the writers *wrote* him that way for their own convenience, so they could do this ending. I have been besties with someone most of our lives. We broke up a few times, but we managed to keep finding our way back to each other. We don't live in the same state, so we rarely see each other, but at least we DO sometimes, and we write each other. If this person said they were going to go live somewhere with no way to communicate with me ever again, so they could be with someone they loved, of course I wouldn't want to say don't leave, because I'd want them to be happy, and wouldn't want to stand in the way … but that doesn't mean I'd be “okay”. in the slightest. And I wouldn't WANT other people I care about to go through such pain, much less think it beautiful to watch.

Plus, as I always say, this is fiction -- I don't need *that much* “reality” in my escapism. Temporary angst is my bread-and-butter -- it’s cathartic -- but I need a happy ending to be the payoff. To me, A TRULY happy ending for Steve -- and the one that would have been the best payoff for the narrative we’ve spent a decade watching -- would have been for him to not have to choose between the two people he loved most.

Edited 5/11/19 to add: For all those who are all “Oh, they’re just friends, they aren't gay”, I am more or less fine with sexual Stucky staying fanon; they still love each other platonically, are SOULMATES, ACCORDING TO THE SCREENWRITERS THEMSELVES (Christopher Markus and Steve McFeely), who wrote this as part of the intro to the graphic novel Captain America: White - “…Of course, this is still a rollicking adventure tale, and no adventure is complete without a love story. And yes, these books have one – the longest, most tortured one in Marvel history, in fact. We’re talking about Steve and Bucky, without smirking or innuendo or raised eyebrows. Platonic though the relationship may be, from the meet cute to the tragic separation, their bond has all the elements of a classic romance.  These two men love each other – as any pair of friends who faced exclusion, combat, inhumanity, and death would. Their bond stretches across half the twentieth century. The loss of it gnaws at Steve throughout the modern day, and it slices his heart in half when the Winter Soldier rears his tormented, homicidal head. Just as Jeph and Tim’s earlier Daredevil: Yellow, Spider-Man: Blue, and Hulk: Gray all dealt with the major love interests in the heroes’ lives, so too does Captain America: White. Steve and Bucky are each others’ soulmate, if you will, because no one on Earth understands what either of them has been through as well as the other does. The book deals deftly with the strengths and weaknesses that relationship engenders. As the Red Skull himself says to Bucky, “The captain has a … ‘soft spot’ for you. A spot I intend to put a bullet through this very evening.” Soldiers fight for their country. They fight for themselves. They fight for each other. And sometimes they die for these things, too.  The ones who don’t carry the memory of the ones who did for the rest of their days. Steve Rogers is no different.”

So he's gonna leave his soulmate (no matter the nature of their love) behind forever? FUCK THAT NOISE. I am completely baffled ow two writers who see Steve and Bucky that way would go on to give them that ending.

And retouching the whole for Bucky “knows and is okay” thing, the Russos also said that Bucky is too damaged still to be Captain America. Uh, THAT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE THEY REALLY THINK HE’S OKAY.

[cameoamalthea]

there is ABSOLUTELY a “wrong way to process trauma” and that is by retraumatizing yourself “to cope” and being a pedophile :/

Hi there Anon,

This will be a long response and part of it is under a read more. My theme is not very reader friendly (sorry - need to fix that) so I suggest reading on your dash if you have the extension for that or copy/pasting into a document. Sorry again.

I assume you’re referencing this post. I’m not sure what drama has gone in the thread from that post, because no one reblogged any commentary meant for me from me, but based on your ask I’m assuming some folks misunderstood me. Allow me to clarify.  

The point of the post is to respond to @shipwhateveryouwant ‘s post about lack of empathy by pointing out that empathy is hard, especially if you’re dealing with triggers.

I was talking to her.

The “There’s no wrong way to react trauma” refers to getting upset other things that trigger you and coming to the conclusion ‘this is gross’ ‘this is triggering’ ‘this is wrong’

It’s OK to feel that way.

It’s OK to feel anyway that you feel, because your emotions are 100% valid.

However, as my post recommended, it’s important to fact check.

A bit of background, in case you just came here because of that post and aren’t stalking my blog.  I’m a survivor of abuse, including CSA, and that left me with scars, both physical and mental.  I’m in group therapy DBT, individual therapy which includes EMDR, couple’s therapy (sometimes when two people who have PTSD are in a relationship it can be hard, since we both have to cope with the effect of our partner’s abuse on the other), and I did a year of physical therapy (pelvic floor).

I blog about my recovery, and things I learn because A) Being open about being in therapy (while making me a bit vulnerable) says ‘therapy is nothing to be ashamed of’ and neither is being a survivor, I’m not pretending it never happened AND B) So people who might not have heard about these treatment options of think nothing can help, can see what worked for someone else and know what happened (literally, it took me years to find a treatment plan that worked, and I really thought I was permanently damaged mentally and physically, so it was a big deal when I found out there were things that could help me).

So in my post I used an example of one my big triggers, drugs and the drug trade (I really really have major issues here). However, when I got out of emotion mind and checked the facts, I realized fans of breaking bad weren’t hurting anyone and weren’t trying to hurt me.

I was trying to explain to OP why empathy is such hard work, especially when you’re caught up in you’re emotions. When you’re angry, or hurt or scared.

I’m not angry that people enjoy a TV show that I don’t like…

I’m angry (tw discussion of addiction, child abuse, csa)

 that I was born with drugs in my system. I’m angry that my mother continued to use on and off while raising me. I’m angry she fell into heavy drug use and endangered my life. I’m angry I was raped as a kid. I’m angry my own mother threatened to sell me to self traffickers and tried to get me be sexually active at like 13/14 with boys my age she’d leave alone with me (whether I wanted them there or not) because she thought it would make me more willing to turn tricks for her because she needed money (she was supposed to sell drugs for the cartel, but she felt you had to sell drugs Mary Kay style using herself as the free demo, she owed them a lot of money).

 I’m angry that I lost my mother, that the person I love disappeared inside the addiction and she became a really awful person when was high. She wasn’t great when she was mostly sober, she always had untreated mental illness and she was always abusive/inappropriate verging on incest, but she’s still my mother and she was all I had and I loved her. I was a child, you love your mommy, and I’m angry that I didn’t have a mother I didn’t have to be afraid of and I 100% blame the drug use because addiction is a fucked up thing.

So I got angry when I saw artists I liked posting Breaking Bad fanart AUs and candy meth picks, because it felt like they were treating something very not funny (drugs and drug addiction, along with the pain I’ve had as a result) as a joke.

However, how I felt doesn’t dictate facts.

I had to step back, check the facts, and realize people liking Breaking Bad weren’t trying to hurt me (or actually hurting me. What other people watch on TV doesn’t effect me).

 They weren’t trying to make fun of my experiences or make light of a serious issue. I also knew from my academic research on the topic of whether media influences norm that it really doesn’t… (I did a pre-law minor focused on social justice, and Freshmen Year I set out to prove porn hurt women and caused rape, and quickly found that evidence didn’t support my thesis, video games don’t cause violence, porn doesn’t cause sexual violence – and no I don’t still have the paper, unless I manage to find it on an old hard drive and most of my sources are outdated by now, I’d have to re-research – but I’m actually not here to argue the point).

So I believed, based on evidence and my own research, that media is worthy of critique but doesn’t influence behavior directly. This is my own belief, and I don’t want to argue it. But despite that, despite the fact I didn’t think fiction causes crime, I HATED BREAKING BAD. I felt like it was romanticizing Drugs and making people not take something serious seriously…

Because I wasn’t thinking about it rationally.

I was thinking about it based on my emotions. How I felt.

In DBT we learn that to think of your mind like a Venn Diagram. Rational Mind is one circle, Emotional Mind is in the other circle, and in between is Wise Mind.

Wise Mind is acknowledging your emotions/how something makes you feel but also being able to bring in rational mind, to fact check, which means asking does how I feel fit the facts and remembering that feeling something doesn’t make it true.

If you’re just in rational mind, you can be cold and ignore other people’s feelings, which can make them feel invalidated and make you less effective in dealing with your own feelings (don’t ignore them) and others.

If you’re just in emotional mind, you’re not thinking clearly. You might break down and cry or lash out and hurt someone. You can’t really address the thing that’s upsetting you because you’re not in a place where you can even think clearly about it without getting upset.

If pure rational mind is behind the wheel you’re not a good driver, if pure emotion mind is behind the wheel you’re not ok to drive.

It’s not easy to find wise mind. Mindfulness is the most practiced skill in DBT  (it’s a year long class and six months of it just repeating Mindfulness and the other six months are bringing in those skills to apply to other issues…Wise Mind is from the unit on Emotional Regulation…I’ve been in DBT for nearly four years, repeating the class, honing the skills – it’s not easy).

But we should try, for ourselves and others.

I hope OP takes from my post some understanding of where you’re coming from anon and that it’s really hard to be empathetic when something makes you angry, let alone when you’re triggered.

That it’s important to validate.

Rational Mind says ‘people are taking fiction way to seriously. It’s just a TV show, there’s no reason to be upset’

Wise Mind is realizing that feelings aren’t rational and they really are hurting. Even if they don’t lay out their feelings clearly like I did with ‘why Breaking Bad upsets me’ it’s enough to see that someone is upset. If someone is upset, it’s serious to them, validate that.

“I’m sorry that you were hurt. I understand that this reminds you of your trauma. I will tag anything you need. No one should pressure you to deal with triggers you aren’t ready to deal with and I want to make it possible for you avoid things. You seem really upset right now, though, so I don’t think we should fight about anything. We’re not in a place where we can. be calm and get anything out of it. You seem really caught up in a lot of negative emotions. Why don’t you take a break. Go get some ice cream or color or get your mind off things for bit? If you don’t think you’ll ever be ‘not upset’, then I’ll go ahead and block you since my content is bothering you. Have a nice day.”

I hope that you anon, if you bother to read all the way here, takes away from this post that it’s ok to be angry, but realize that feelings aren’t fact and being upset doesn’t justify hurting others.

And attacking people based on what they read or what TV shows they like is hurting others.

Calling anyone a pedophile is hurtful. (that’s a very serious accusation Anon, and not one your should use lightly. Don’t go crying wolf about child predators, it makes people less likely to take real accusations seriously - like if someone calls someone else a pedophile does that mean they’re a sexual predator and a child molester or does that mean they like a TV show I don’t like or read stories that I find upsetting). Again, your feelings are valid Anon, but someone liking a TV show you don’t like doesn’t make them a danger to anyone. Hurting real children makes them a danger to children. We shouldn’t water down terms. We need to take threats to people seriously.

Calling CSA survivors pedophiles, comparing survivors to their abusers or implying they are to blame for their abuse past or future is hurtful.

I like Game of Thrones. I think Jon and Danny are a good match, both as people and politically. I don’t see anything wrong with the relationship, she’s biologically his aunt but they have no relationship.

I like Ouran High School Host Club, and my favorite characters are the twins. Sometimes you can like a messed up story because it’s messed up. It’s just a story.

I ship Catwoman and Batman, and think they’re cute together in Gotham. I like that backstory. I also think Mike and Eleven are cute together. 

I like reading and writing fanfic about teenage video game characters that I’ve liked since I was a teenager. I relate to a video game character and take something positive from his story and his relationship with his best friend even though the relationship in game is unhealthy.

This isn’t ‘re-traumatizing’ myself and it’s not ‘being a pedophile’. 

I have a degree in creative writing and I look at books as works of art and craft, not moral guides. I look at characters as tools, not people.

That’s not ‘being a pedophile’ that’s being someone with an English Degree (I miss just being able to identify as an English major, saying I have a degree sounds so pretentious to me). That’s being a writer. 

I admit that I like relationships between predator and prey, between people and monsters. That’s not ‘re-traumatizing myself’ either.

Abuse, in my experience, has been when someone you love, someone you’re supposed to be able to trust and feel safe with instead hurts you and makes you unsafe. It’s a betrayal of trust. It makes you question if you’re lovable or worthy of love because someone who was supposed to care for you hurt you.

I like stories about monsters. You’re not supposed to be able to trust a monster. The monster makes you feel afraid. It’s going to hurt you. It’s nature is to hurt you. I like stories where instead of killing you the monster falls in love with you and changes, becomes loving and trustworthy and keeps you safe. It’s a fantasy of being so special, or mattering so much, of being so love able that that you can tame dragons. 

It’s about the inverse of abuse. A power fantasy. Exploring fear and helplessness within a safe controlled fantasy.

That’s not ‘re-traumatizing’ myself. I promise, I’m fine anon. I’m not hurting myself and I have a support network. Thank you for your concern, though, but please remember you’re not responsible for anyone else.

It’s scary, but you don’t control the world or others. If you’re afraid someone is doing something that hurts them, sometimes you have to accept you can’t change that. (And that’s hard, I know, my mother is a drug addict). Sometimes you have to distance yourself. If people are doing things that upset you, block them and that content, take a step back. 

[destigmatizedecriminalize]

I’m an addict and that’s okay

I am a hypocrite.  I have been advocating for the rights of others and working to create a strong community, but I have been prejudiced.  I assume that my friends, family, and community will judge me- and they might- but I know those that love me will support me.

I have been outspoken about destigmatizing mental health and addiction, but in my fear of projected judgment, I have not been doing my part.  In all of my advocating and community work, I have neglected myself- a member of the working class, a woman, a person that suffers from multiple mental health disorders, and an addict.

I knew I was an addict once I learned in seventh-grade health class that having a history of addiction in your family predisposes you to the disease of addiction.  I vehemently swore off alcohol and other substances as a teen because I could see the substance abuse in my family.  Alcohol abuse is so normalized in my family that it took spending time with other families to realize the extent of the issues on both sides of mine.

I was told to try to develop a healthy relationship with alcohol by introducing it into my life at 19-years-old.  I was told that if I continued with my strict straight-edge mentality, I'd likely be more at risk in the future.  I know now that was bad advice for me, but I tried drinking and used other substances and after a short time, the warning signs were very present.  I had untreated mental health issues and a good deal of PTSD and alcohol became a great medicine for me.

I know there are some people that don't understand addiction and they will fight against any inkling that addiction is a disease or disorder.  That is part of the reason I want to come clean.  I am an incredibly intelligent woman.  I am hardworking to a fault.  I am compassionate and I am committed to community service simply because I believe in community.  I take care of my physical health- I eat very well and exercise regularly.  And I have abused alcohol to the point of self-harm that one may only expect of an old “junkie” under a bridge. (I use that word with the most love).

I will tell you that my brain becomes hijacked when I am in active use.  It really reminds me of an infection, the way that my thinking reroutes.  It has nothing to do with the strength of a person's will power or their character.  If you've used substances but were able to easily stop so you believe everyone should be able to, good for you, but you simply aren’t an addict. 

May 22nd is the two-year anniversary of the death of a person that was incredibly dear to me, Max.  A person that was also afflicted with addiction and our relationship was codependent because we were not taking care of our mental health.  Anyone that's been in a truly codependent relationship knows how it wreaks havoc on your emotions. 

After 3 years and a messy breakup, I began to seek a lot more comfort in substances.  And much more so after his fatal overdose.  He and I had reconnected after some time apart.  I was in a period of abstinence without actually working on recovery and he was using heavily.  I reached out and tried to help him in every way outside of rehab or mental health intervention.  He succeeded in getting clean for a little bit but relapsed pretty soon after in early 2017.  His addict behavior was triggering to me so I cut him off in early May of 2017.  Then, about a week or so later, I spent my work day in agony after reading a Facebook post by his sister.  I thought the post must have been a joke, so I texted him and called with no answer.  I told him “I'm coming to your parents' house after work if you don't say something.”  And that's what I did and from his parents, I learned the painful truth of his death.

I let my addiction get the better of me in my time of weakness.  I felt guilt for cutting him off, I couldn't stop thinking about the day that I watched him walk through town with a known drug user and I said nothing.  I blamed myself and my actions during our relationship for his harder drug use when we were no longer together.  And through this, I was still under the impression that my mental health was not a priority because it is so stigmatized. 

My facade was crumbling.  I started to receive concerned words from friends and family but I always found a way to convince people I was fine.  But I wasn't fine.  I struggled for the year following his death and finally realized that I couldn't overcome my addiction alone.  I began to attend outpatient rehab. Its been around 8 months and I can finally see some light in my life.

One day, in my group, I was selected to be the subject of an exercise.  I was blindfolded and told to walk an obstacle course.  The women in the group were not allowed to help me unless I asked for help.  I proceeded to stubbornly walk the line, tripping and hesitating but eventually finished on my own.  When I removed my blindfold one of the women was crying.  She was moved to tears by the fact that I was surrounded by support to guide me but I chose to stumble through.  It reminded her so much of her struggle with addiction.

Another woman in the group grew emotional.  She is a bit older than me and I view her as a bit of a mentor.  She said that she saw herself in me and she prayed that I ask for help now before things get even worse.  She explained the progression of her illness and how long it took her to ask for the support she needed.  I never expected those reactions to stem from a small exercise.

That weekend, a family was throwing away the last of the belongings of their son that passed away.  I retrieved items from the dumpster and pieced together the man's life.  Through the books he read and his possessions, I deduced that he was likely a peer of mine.  I slowly pieced together that he probably died of an overdose.  When I finally found a pill bottle with his name it was clear- he was a person that I knew that overdosed in the fall.

After that emotional group exercise, a wave of reality rushed over me- the utter fragility and impermanence of our existence.  My life can be boiled down to my unwanted possessions in a landfill, dumped by sad loved ones. We live this entire life only to become a ghost that exists in the items that we once possessed- a ghost that our loved ones have to encounter every time that they step into the places we occupied or when they swipe dust from our items on a shelf.

If anything can come of sharing the truth about my addiction and mental health, maybe it will simply help me better connect with the friends and family that I've neglected or abandoned in my darkest times.  Maybe it will help someone to overcome the shame attached to addiction and mental health and seek some kind of help for themselves.  Either way, this is an important step that I need to take in my recovery.

[alexsmitposts]

Is America Dying? The world looks on America as something very different than it really is. Much of what is told of America, both good and bad, is simply as Donald Trump says, “fake news.” Americans themselves know little about America. Few travel within their own country. America, you see, if 50 little countries, some like California or Florida or Texas, a virtual “Europe” in themselves, with regions unidentifiable as part of anything at all. Keeping America divided has been a game for a long time, perhaps since the earliest beginnings when great corporations like the Virginia Company, financed by Europe’s banking elites, unleashed Europe’s excess population, and Europe’s military prowess as well, on an unsuspecting population of 10 million native Americans who, two centuries later, would become a remnant of walking ghosts. Today I was sent a documentary on Seattle, Washington filmed by KOMO News, a local television station. Seattle has long been seen by other Americans as a gleaming city, moderate weather, startlingly robust economy, mountains and oceans, pure vistas, a cultural mecca that openly discourages even moderately well-to-do professionals from settling there. But that changed. You see, the rest of America has become a toilet. Cultural degeneration, drugs, economic disaster, a nation with untreated mentally ill, tens of millions of addicts and the largest prison population in the world couldn’t hide it forever. The “great toilet” of America had to “flush” sometime and when it did, certain cities, bastions of permissiveness and liberal values, where there to accept the effluent. Among those, San Francisco and Seattle, now America’s leading cities in property crime, addiction and homelessness. These are also cities where a moderate working-class home can cost $1 million. I sat through an hour of trash heaps and streets lined with the shadows of human beings, who have flocked to “Free-Attle,” the name that has spread across a secret network of addicts, petty criminals and homeless that have been told that laws aren’t enforced, police are helpless, food and medical care is free and the local population exists only to be stolen from and fed upon. In other areas of America, the behavior seen in Seattle would be met with force. In Seattle things are different, this is the Northern Silicon Valley, a land of tech giants and, let us not forget, Boeing Corporation, the land where Starbucks rules. As much as we all may well love our devices and our coffee, those who deliver both, those who see themselves as “Masters of the Universe” because of their control of the internet, our political races, our news and even our private lives, are the great “solvers.” Yes, people who have lived their lives writing code and playing video games have been handed an entire region of the United States to rule as they will. Driving the politics of ignorance that has led to the destruction of what had been two of the planet’s greatest cities is the tech giants, Google, Facebook, Microsoft and a thousand others. America educated a generation of programmers and “fake entrepreneurs,” and created a hell from heaven and, as we are also noting, a New World Order of surveillance and social manipulation. Their efforts can be seen in how they treat where they live and work, cities whose streets teem with endless armies of screaming paranoids, “meth-heads” and “stoners.” Twenty years ago, the people of San Francisco got used to seeing AIDS victims dying on the sidewalks, learned to look away or step over the bodies. One might wonder if the video game industry, that “other” drug culture, along with the insular existence on social media created a mind set where engineering human degeneration might well be considered a competitive sport. Then we have drugs, we can’t forget that. Drugs are a key component to the lives of every American, millions of methamphetamine addicts and tens of millions of opioid addicts, legalized marijuana and a culture based on gratification and ambivalence. History The culture of drugs that is now running America had its beginnings long ago. A century ago, heroin was sold over-the-counter as a “relaxant” and pain reliever and cocaine was in soft drinks. When the 1960s arrived, a generation of Americans, driven to rebel against decades of self-righteous repression in the midst of a divided racist culture, was primed for being unleashed. Along with the cultural upheaval of The Beatles and the music revolution came LSD and a general acceptance that altered reality led to human growth. Though this message may well have value, there is little doubt that it opened a floodgate. By the 1970s, Vietnam veterans became the prime offenders, self-medicating for PTSD or going to university where they joined several million “displaced” or “throw-away” children of the “greatest generation.” The 1980s saw America flooded first with cocaine, and anyone who doesn’t see the hand of the CIA behind this is blind. Cocaine soon emerged as “crack,” a highly addictive form that flooded America’s inner cities, destroying them in ways no nuclear weapon could approach, with “crack addicts” a virtual army of “walking dead.” Drugs had always been the business of America’s “Mainline” families, the Cabots and Astors, or rather the Cabotas and Astorgas were one to trace their real origin to the ancient Sephardic banking consortiums of 16th century Italy. These great shipping families of America’s Northeast, centered around the universities, Harvard and Yale, ran the slaves, carried China’s opium for Britain and profited from every war as “Americans,” just as they had when they funded Napoleon and his foes. As is so often the case, when you open a door, there is so much behind it, lending toward recognizing those who profit from despair and suffering, but our story is a much smaller one today, or is it that small? As it plays out, the story enacted in San Francisco and Seattle is also London and Paris or Berlin. We return then to America and the generation after what Russians call The Great Patriotic War. In America it was a “watershed,” where those born in its wake would find themselves Parents of “baby boomers” were the veterans of World War II or survivors of the Great Depression who managed to put their lives together at age 50, starting families late in life. When I was a child growing up in Detroit, most of my friends had fathers old enough to be World War I veterans, dropping like flies from heart attacks and years of cigarettes and working in factories laden with the stench of carcinogens. Washing one’s hands with carbon tetrachloride (Google never heard of it) was common. Seattle For Americans, the rural South and West, the teeming cities, the only hedge against cultural decay and rampant crime is economic isolation. For that, moderate to great wealth is required or to simply stay silent. Americans share, though many are unaware of this, the suffering that America’s global policies inflict on others. America’s economic wars, Russia, Syria, Venezuela, China, and the list grows hourly, our misguided war on terror, have lowered standards of living around the world, generally assumed to foster unrest and dissatisfaction. Why then is it being done at home? That answer is also simple, to foster unrest and dissatisfaction. One might ask why a nation would subject itself, its own people, particularly those who blindly support political leaders whose policies are destructive to their own supporters and constituents, to a life of hopelessness and potential radicalization. Why would a nation assume political and economic policies that put millions on the streets to parasite off of and embattle those around them fostering anarchy and crime. This is what we saw in Seattle, the “gem of the Pacific,” mountains of trash, armies of the unwanted, not sent to but rather openly welcomed in, “come steal from us, kill us, spread filth on our streets, defile our parks and monuments.” Conclusion The end result of what we have seen is telling. Behind it is fear, as in the lessons many Israeli’s have learned, that walling out the Palestinians has, in truth walls them in. There is no being “above” suffering. When suffering is engineered, be it greed or social experimentation, perhaps those choosing lives of suffering for others might be held to task.

[addictionfreedom]

Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms

Contents

Withdrawal symptoms. but

Last drink. symptoms include: marked

The bridge around … the

Going through harsh alcohol withdrawal

Who are phone numbers and

Have certain other medical problems

Apr 5, 2017 … What do alcohol withdrawal symptoms look like? What are the signs? Where can I go to get help? Visit our website today to get all the answers.

Cocaine Withdrawal Treatment Drugs Contents Facts about painkillers Stimulants like cocaine Heroin and crack Occurs when someone And other stimulants. however Blood pressure may Drug Rehabilitation Centers Cheap. Certified & Safe. Try In Confidence Dual Diagnosis Treatment Washington State Contents Group activities for Ago … learn more about the Centers for addiction Mental illness. either substance Crack Drug Contents

You are now officially in the world of alcohol withdrawal. People assume that for one to suffer withdrawal symptoms, they must be addicts. That simple …

Taking the big step to stop drinking alcohol is a great and courageous decision. Alcohol withdrawal may be difficult and uncomfortable, but it will never be as bad for you as drinking it. Alcohol is the 3rd highest cause of death in America, resulting in 88,000 deaths a year. One in every 12 adults, or 17.6 million people suffer …

Jan 19, 2018 … Alcohol withdrawal symptoms can include nausea, tremors, sweating, headache, anxiety, and loss of appetite. In very severe cases, withdrawal can cause seizures and lead to other life-threatening conditions. Detoxing does involve withdrawal symptoms. but it helps people release a drug's toxicity with …

Aug 14, 2017 … Alcoholics who suddenly stop drinking or go too long without a drink can experience withdrawal symptoms similar to those of a drug addict. In severe cases, the withdrawal symptoms can cause significant mental and neurological changes or impairments, a condition called delirium tremens, or DT. Delirium …

Apr 26, 2018 … Delirium tremens (DTs) is a more severe reaction after stopping alcohol. It occurs in about 1 in 20 people who have alcohol withdrawal symptoms, about 2-3 days after their last drink. symptoms include: marked trembling and agitation, confusion and seeing and hearing things that are not there (delirium).

She assessed his withdrawal symptoms, and then began to fasten the bridge around … the agency with results from a study published in the American …

Experts discuss timeline of alcohol withdrawal symptoms. Dangers of untreated severe alcohol withdrawal can include seizure, hallucinations and death.

The report continues to list symptoms common to withdrawal from alcohol. … Armed with the knowledge of the severity and duration of alcohol withdrawal symptoms, …

Kicking alcohol out of your life may be the best decision you ever make. However, those who are suffering from alcoholism often times face many challenges along the way.

Summit Behavioral Health’s Alcoholism Treatment Experts Describe Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms and Offer Advice on How to Live Through Them UNION, NJ / ACCESSWIRE / May 20, 2017 / For many people with an alcohol abuse …

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A hangover is a form of alcohol withdrawal, with many people experiencing some of the other symptoms of a withdrawal. In a sense, it wouldn’t be too far to describe that alcohol withdrawal is a dangerous hangover. The …

If you’re suffering from an alcohol or drug addiction related problem, don’t wait another day to do something about it! The plain and simple truth is, the longer …

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Alcohol withdrawal occurs when individuals with a physical dependency on alcohol stop drinking. Physical withdrawal symptoms occur because long-time alcohol abuse causes neuro-adaptation in the brain – in other words, the brain and central nervous system have physiologically changed to

Sep 27, 2017 … Symptoms of alcohol withdrawal occur because alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. Alcohol simultaneously enhances inhibitory tone (via modulation of gamma-aminobutyric acid activity) and inhibits excitatory tone (via modulation of excitatory amino acid activity). Only the constant presence of …

Clinical Introduction. Some drinkers that consume alcohol in quantities outside healthy limits will develop an acute alcohol withdrawal syndrome when they abruptly stop or substantially reduce their alcohol consumption. Most patients manifest a minor symptom complex or syndrome, which may start as early as six to eight …

Nelsan Ellis had two projects in the pipeline at the time of his death. (Michael Buckner/Getty Images) After the death of “True Blood” actor Nelsan Ellis was announced, his family has issued a statement detailing the circumstances …

Aug 27, 2017 … Deciding to quit drinking alchohol is a tough decision to make. Implementing it is even harder. If we've been drinking a lot for a while now, our brains become chemically dependent on alchohol just to function normally. So, when we quit cold turkey… bam! Alcohol withdrawal symptoms jump out to get us.

Indeed, in rodents, oxytocin can successfully fight unpleasant alcohol and heroin withdrawal symptoms. And if given before the addiction even occurs, the hormone may even prevent the development of tolerance and symptoms of …

going through harsh alcohol withdrawal symptoms can scare away anyone especially those who want to quit alcohol. So we included some quick remedies for you!

Babies born addicted to substances can experience severe withdrawal …

Sep 13, 2016 … Alcohol withdrawal – symptoms that develop when a person suddenly stops drinking alcohol after prolonged, heavy drinking.

Aug 21, 2015 … Understand the alcohol withdrawal syndrome timeline—length, treatment, symptoms, medication, severity and how to care for someone during withdrawal.

ASI Raghunandan Besra could not get his daily dose of alcohol and died at Patna Medical College and Hospital (PMCH), the IBN live reported. Besra was undergoing treatment at PMCH and showed withdrawal symptoms. After his …

Alcohol detox and withdrawal can induce serious symptoms so supervised treatment, such as in a rehab, is important.

Alcohol Withdrawal – an easy to understand guide covering causes, diagnosis, symptoms, treatment and prevention plus additional in depth medical information.

Learn about the range of symptoms that may occur from suddenly stopping the use of alcohol after chronic or prolonged consumption.

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Alcohol withdrawal occurs most often in adults. But, it may occur in teenagers or children. The more you drink regularly, the more likely you are to develop alcohol withdrawal symptoms when you stop drinking. You may have more severe withdrawal symptoms if you have certain other medical problems …

Know more about Alcohol withdrawal symptoms, it's timeline and Alcohol detox process. Also learn about the medications used to ease the withdrawal symptoms .

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If you drink heavily for a long time, you might have problems when you stop or cut back how much alcohol you drink. This is called alcohol withdrawal, and symptoms can range from mild to serious.

Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome (AWS) is a condition that affects people suffering from alcoholism or alcohol abuse who are either detoxing from the drug or have greatly reduced their alcoholic intake. According to the National Institutes of Health, if untreated, 6 percent of alcohol-dependent patients develop symptoms of …

Aug 26, 2016 … Learn about the causes of alcohol withdrawal, the symptoms of withdrawal, how long withdrawal typically lasts, and how to treat it.

AUSTIN (KXAN) – A team of scientists at the University of Texas at Austin says they’ve discovered a compound that has been shown to reduce alcohol …

Alcohol withdrawal happens when a person who drinks for a long period of time- months or years- experiences physical symptoms when he or she stops using alcohol.1 Withdrawal symptoms can range from feeling like you have the flu to hallucinations and seizures. Alcohol is a powerful sedative that keeps the mind in a …

Alcohol withdrawal syndrome refers to the symptoms experienced when a heavy drinker drastically reduces or stops their alcohol intake. Symptoms like tremors, sweating, anxiety, and seizures can appear days to weeks afterward.

The post Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms appeared first on Freedom From Addiction II.

[leightaylorwrites]

On Trump, Psychopaths/Sociopaths and Why Mental Illnesses Aren’t Exclusive to Good OR Bad People

READ the entire post before you send me hate messages.

I get that not everyone with a mental illness is violent/evil/a criminal, and so on. However, Trump is either a psychopath or a sociopath. There is no way to doubt that. We have seen evidence of his acts of violence (raping his wife, encouraging rape of other women, supporting the torture of innocent families), his narcissism, his constant lying even when he doesn’t need to (Inauguration Day photos, literally 80% of everything he says) and pretty much everything he does points to the existence of one (possibly both) of these disorders being a part of him. I personally believe that he is a psychopath (here’s a short guide to understanding what that is, ironically saying that they have difficulty in business and politics) so that’s what I refer to him as. 

I pointed this out on twitter and got a bit of backlash because I used the word “psycho” while referring to him because that’s the word I use as a shortened form of psychopath. Even when I write my notes (I’m a psych student, remember?) I use that because dammit my hand is cramping up. Twitter and its character limit meant I had to shorten something and that’s the word that got shortened (and fascist because that was definitely not the result of a typo.) So, I said “psycho fascist” which means “psychopathic fascist” without the character limit, and it was upsetting because ~TRUMP ISN’T A PSYCHOPATH!!!!~ At least, according to internet SJW’s who don’t have degrees, don’t spend years talking about and studying psychological disorders, and frankly, don’t know shit except what other SJW’s have said.

Now, their problem, I think, with me saying “psychopathic fascist” is that people assume I’m using being a psychopath as a negative thing. And there’s a good reason for that assumption: 

I am. 

It’s not a good thing that a psychopath (or sociopath if you think that’s closer to how he leans) is in the Oval Office. Not because the person HAS the illness but because Trump’s is unchecked. He does not currently have a therapist/counselor. If he did, I wouldn’t be saying “we have a psychopathic fascist in office” I’d just say “we have a fascist in office.” But as long as his psychopathy goes untreated, we have a person who has already displayed acts of violence running our country based on a fascist set of ideals, and working with a guy who hates democracy. THAT’S why I consider Trump having an illness to be a bad thing. Not because he has it in the first place, but because not managing it could lead to disaster for the whole world. 

But the thing is that I don’t think anyone’s mad that I called Trump a psychopath. Not truly. 

People are mad because they’re used to seeing their illnesses stigmatized in the media and Hollywood as being bad or dangerous and I get it. As a mentally ill person, I UNDERSTAND. It’s like me always seeing myself reflected as an angry black woman or a slave in the media and pop culture. Stereotypes are damaging and harmful to us. 

However, you can’t get upset when someone you don’t like, especially someone as awful as Trump, is in the same category as you. Because like it or not, just how you want the world to know that not everyone with your illness is evil, you have to take the other side of it and realize that not everyone with your illness is innocent either. That’s impossible to expect. Someone pointing out that an evil person shares a trait with you should make you say “I understand they are, but not all of us are like that.” The proper answer isn’t “don’t lump this person in with me/people like me.”

Being a psychopath or sociopath is manageable with steady treatment and I do hope that Trump is able to get help so that he can live a normal (well, as normal as any Russian-blackmailed-President-who-the-people-hate can live).

If Trump stays in power for the next four years, you’re going to have to get off your high horse of Social Justice and realize that the world is not this idealized version you’ve created in your head where all people with mental illnesses are beautiful butterflies with nothing but pure intentions at heart. In a perfect world, that would be the case and people who have X mental illness could live happy, awesome lives but ignoring the problem of a bad person’s obvious illness because you don’t want them to be associated with the good people who have the illness isn’t going to help anything. Your comfort in thinking that the only people like you are GOOD is not only naive and wrong, but it’s not going to help anything. It’s not going to help Trump get the help he clearly needs, it’s not going to put pressure on the White House to make sure he has a professional to talk through his issues with so that he doesn’t pop off and do something drastic that costs lives. It’s not going to advance us any further toward surviving his administration.

Mental illness is mental illness, no matter who has it. If you are a true advocate for mental health awareness and treatment, you don’t get to pick and choose whose mental health you want to advocate for based on your personal feelings about them.

[carousels-on-fire]

Sorry to anyone on mobile who accidentally sees this. Readmores don’t seem to work on mobile, so sorry for this mini novel you’re being forced to scroll past. ------------------------------------- My life got so isolated so quickly. I’ve always felt alone on some level. I don’t know if there’s some inherent quality that makes me the odd one out, or if I’ve just never felt comfortable enough around people to believe they really want me around.  But I think living back home has put in stark relief how few people care about me. Like I know who my good friends are. I know who...I hope...would be there if things went horribly wrong. But in the day to day I’m alone. And my online friendships have ceased to make me feel less alone, even though they should. Even though people care, I’ve always felt, on some level like I’m sitting in a wide, depthless room with nothing in it, screaming and it doesn’t even echo. Just this emptiness. Silence. There are things to fill the silence, but sometimes it isn’t enough. I think it’s the fact that most days the only people I see are my parents. But they’re not like people, like friends. They’re more of an obstacle that sometimes seems like a person I can care about. But that’s dangerous thinking. I can’t confide in them, I have to be so very careful that the things I do say don’t throw me into a minefield of having to defend myself. Or better yet have the things I love and feel passionate about brushed off as some unimportant thing. As something to which you respond “Hm.” and go back to watching TV. And on the days I don’t see my parents I do see my co-workers at the library. I am friends with one of my co-workers. But its more or less professional. There’s still a level of detachment there. Even if we have talked about our lives and she notices when I’m feeling less than myself, it’s not a friendship that leaves work. And I still feel like a stranger in the tattoo shop. They know me, they teach me things, they try to invite me to things. But I always feel like one day I’ll walk in and not be welcome. That I’ll let them down somehow. I am friends with one of my co-workers. Two maybe. But it feels like something that was forced upon them because I’m a new person that needs to be led around and taught the ropes. I never feel like I’m supposed to be there. It always felt this way in my classes back in college. Even if I’m still friends with a lot of my old classmates. Even if they were friendly to me, I always felt like the friendship ended at the classroom door.  I think belonging for me is dangerous, it’s all-consuming. My parent’s love has always seemed to be born out of guilt. They feel bad for how they treated me as a child. I never really thought my parents were in any shape abusive, until I looked back on my childhood. My mother screaming at me, telling me I needed to lose weight and screaming at me about it because she had to buy me new clothing, her digging her nails into my skin, slapping me across the face when I did something wrong. Or the time when I was a small child and my father chased me through the house screaming, and hit the door I’d locked myself behind to escape him hard enough to leave a crack in the wood. My father making comments about my body after I hit puberty and giving my anxiety/body image issues about it for the rest of my life. I always just thought they were strict. It never seemed like how you see abuse on tv. I’m not even sure it counts as abuse. Maybe they were just strict and unkind. Who knows. But I recall an incident when I was 14 or so. I had a friend called Max. He was 18, and a senior, and I thought he was cool because he knew who Cradle of Filth were when no one else did. I was rather oblivious, so I always thought he just wanted to be friends. I suppose I assumed because that’s all I wanted, that’s all they wanted. Plus I was desperate to befriend anyone who was even vaguely ‘alternative’ because I grew up in a town of 2000 people and there wasn’t really a scene. I didn’t really know how to say no or to navigate out of uncomfortable situatuions at that age. But I remember he drove us to see House of Wax in theatres, the whole thing should have screamed ‘date’ but again, I am oblivious. And I just remember he went to gesture about something and I flinched back and kind of curled in on myself like I was about to be hit. And even if he was a bit of a creep, he wasn’t an abuser, to my knowledge. He just said in the most unsettled voice “... I’m not going to hit you.” Like he was surprised. I was surprised too. At that point in my life I hadn’t spent a lot of time around other people. And I remember trying to laugh it off. Are kids who aren’t abused supposed to have a flinch response to a man raising their hand? Not even in anger? I always hated and envied friends who got on well with their parents. Who can’t wait to see them. On the outside mine get along with me, but it’s such a false relationship. It’s just something that looks normal from the outside. I tell them I love them with the same conviction I told customers to have a nice day when I worked retail. I think this is why I struggle so much with relationships now. I remember being the weird kid out because I wore hearing aids and wanted to talk about nerdy things that no one else cared about. But I remember that people would befriend me for a short period of time, and then, it’s like they were embarrassed to be my friend and would gradually stop talking to me. It’s strange that something that happened so long ago, a lifetime ago, would still haunt me now at 26. I graduated high school 8 years ago, elementary and middle school was even further back than that. But I can still remember the cruelty in my best friend’s voice when she told me ‘no one will ever go to prom with you.’ Because we were drawing what our dresses would look like. And the funny thing is, I didn’t even flinch. I didn’t reprimand her. I was...socialized to accept unkind things from the people who were supposed to be my best friends. I think it carved the path for later emotionally abusive relationships.  I think once you’re used to the people you love hurting you, making unkind comments, tearing you down, even if, on some level you know it’s not right, you seek out that kind of pain because it makes it feel real to you. I had some friendships in early college, where, even if I’m still friends with those people, they hurt me, they were cruel to me, I distinctly remember it. I remember being yelled at for things I couldn’t control. For habits I had because I’d been basically locked up with hyper-controlling people who watched my every move, who criticized every small thing I did from how cleaned the counters to where I was allowed to wait outside movie theatre after seeing a film with my friends. All that and then I was suddenly tossed out into the world. I went from having to beg to be driven to see my friends, to being able to do anything. And it was terrifying. And to people who’d always had that freedom, my fear was incomprehensible. My habits, the untreated mental illnesses were written off as merely annoying peculiarities that had to be overcome by them. And I’ve never brought it up. Because I understand that they were hurting too. Maybe I shouldn’t forgive them. But I’ve been forced to forgive so many people who have hurt me as survival. But I’ve realized, if I don’t forgive the people who hurt me, I’ll barely have anyone at all. We all wear our crown of thorns I suppose. I think this is why that first relationship I had didn’t last. Because when most of your relationships have been with cruel uncaring people, the first time someone makes you feel special you will cling to that with everything you have. Even if you end up suffocating the other person in the process. You won’t even realize it because you’re desperate. When you go from basically being ignored, to someone thinking you’re worth something, like genuinely, and not because they just want to show you off to other people like a possession; it’s hard to not want to be around that 24/7. It’s a drug-like addiction. And when it ended, when I thought I could just quit that feeling cold-turkey because I realized that person and I were not suited, or that I wanted a different kind of relationship than what we had, the ensuing depression dragged me under. Like imagine wanting something your entire life, being starved of it, having it, conditionally, having to hide it, and then throwing it away because you don’t know how to react to having what you want. The sense of loss and failure and worthlessness can’t be measured in words. It’s a depression that’s taken me 6 years to get away from. I’m still not there. It was like a catalyst for all the self-loathing I’d been feeling to finally be set free. It’s been this voice saying “You ruined the one good thing you will ever have.” I think that may be the real reason I’ve been alone for so long and my friends are not. My casual acquaintances and people I went to school with are all married and living this blissful normal life. But they didn’t grow up equating love with terror, they don’t know how very wrong things can go if you pick the wrong person. They don’t have this terrible weight of years of cruelty from other people that has never once been acknowledged. Its like you accept that cruelty and carry it with you, and sometimes it comes back as that voice in your head. I’m a much more broken person than I ever thought I was, but I suppose I’m still here and that’s what counts.

[brentrogers]

Podcast: I Fear My Spouse Will Abandon Me

 

Do you struggle with abandonment fears? Do you worry your partner will suddenly ditch you even though there’s no real reason to feel this way? In today’s Not Crazy podcast, Gabe opens up about his own deep-rooted fear that his wife will decide she doesn’t want him anymore. After all, he concludes, what does he have to offer her? I mean, surely she can do better. And even though he knows these fears are unfounded and irrational, he feels helpless in stopping them.

How can Gabe get these thoughts under control? Tune in to hear Jackie give some great advice to her dear friend, and for anyone dealing with abandonment issues.

(Transcript Available Below)

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About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

        Jackie Zimmerman has been in the patient advocacy game for over a decade and has established herself as an authority on chronic illness, patient-centric healthcare, and patient community building. She lives with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and depression.

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

    Computer Generated Transcript for “Spouse Abandonment” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Jackie: Hello and welcome to this week’s episode of Not Crazy. I am here with my co-host, Gabe.

Gabe: And of course, I’m here with my co-host, Jackie.

Jackie: And we were talking this morning about something that’s been weighing pretty heavily on your mind, and I thought let’s make this into an episode because that’s our lives. So you’ve been talking a lot about anxiety around the idea of your wife leaving you.

Gabe: It’s true. I don’t know why. And she’s given me no reason to think this. I just I wish. And I know this is kind of a messed up thing to say, but I wish that she gave me a reason to feel this way because then I wouldn’t feel so crazy. We were married almost eight years. There’s no problems. We’re not in the middle of a fight. I just have this gut, gut, visceral, strong feeling that the woman’s gonna leave me.

Jackie: Have you had this feeling in your marriage with Kendall or in any past relationships before?

Gabe: Well, I’m having this feeling in my marriage with Kendall right now.

Jackie: But like previously, like, has this ever happened before?

Gabe: No. No, it’s never happened before with Kendall. It has happened. You know what? No, no. This is the first time I have ever been jealous or had these feelings ever in my life. You know, now that I think about it, no. When all of my other relationships ended, I was completely blindsided. I have always been the dumped, never the dumpee because. Yeah. Yeah. Well, my first marriage, it just turns out women don’t like to be married to untreated bipolars.

Jackie: Weird.

Gabe: And in my my second marriage, we’re still friends, which is weird, but it was messed up.

Jackie: Ok, another thing.

Gabe: Yeah. It’s like memory lane. Thanks. Thanks.

Jackie: You’re welcome. That’s what we’re here for,

Gabe: I get dumped a lot.

Jackie: To make you feel miserable.

Gabe: That’s awesome.

Jackie: But you’re talking about this in therapy, which like Yahoo! for therapy, we know. I love it. What does your therapist say?

Gabe: My therapist likes to do this thing chain analysis, where we know that I have this feeling. So now let’s back up to why I have the feeling so and then when you connect those things, you can work on it. The problem is, is backwards doesn’t lead anywhere. I have this feeling, OK, what’s the one step back? Well, I don’t want my wife to leave me because I love her. OK, what’s the one step back from that? Is she giving you any reason? No. The best that I can come up with is that my wife, she’s beautiful, she’s intelligent. And this is one of the burdens of marrying somebody way younger than you. You know, she was like 26 when we got married. And now she’s not. She’s just achieved so much in the last eight years. And she’s not the same person. And this person is so incredible that it would be lunacy for her to stay with me.

Jackie: What do you bring to your marriage?

Gabe: I mean, I bring bipolar disorder to our marriage, a panic disorder, and anxiety disorder. I mean, those are some pretty nifty things to bring into a marriage.

Jackie: Ok. Right. But what else do you bring to your marriage? Smart ass.

Gabe: Obviously, I do bring things to the marriage, I do all the cooking, I do all the cleaning. I handle like the household organizational tasks, like, you know, the minutia of life is all handled by me. I do bring that to the marriage.

Jackie: Ok. But I’m going to ask you again, what else do you bring to the marriage? Because you basically are like, I’m her personal assistant through all of those things. What else makes your marriage uniquely yours because you’re in it?

Gabe: I just told you I was her personal assistant. I am her personal assistant. I handle all of that stuff for her, which is why it wouldn’t be so big of a loss to lose me. The other day I said to Kendall, If I left, you would have all the same things that you have now except the dog. I’m taking the dog.

Jackie: And she said no. Right?

Gabe: Oh, yeah, yeah. She said no. And it’s sweet, loving, hugged me, kissed me, told me I was wonderful. But come on. What’s she supposed to say? You can’t tell the dude that you’re married to that you’re living with. Yeah, that’s a good point. I could hire all of the things that you do for me and not have to tolerate your dumb ass.

Jackie: Ok. You’re looking at all like literally the physical things that you bring to your marriage. Right. You are there. You do all of these things that are like, I physically exist in the same room as my wife. What you’re not remembering or not seeing or not acknowledging is that you bring more to your marriage than just like the acts you perform. And the reason why this is really important to me personally is because I live with two chronic illnesses, one of which could make me completely physically unable to take care of myself at any moment, literally at any minute. M.S. could be like, you can’t walk anymore. You can’t feed yourself. This is a real fun party. So you bring more to your marriage than just like the acts you perform for her. You offer her companionship. You offer her comedic relief. You offer her emotional support in everything, I’m sure. And well, I’m sure you’re gonna tell me. It doesn’t matter because you’re bipolar, because you detract as much as you give. Blah, blah, blah. You’re failing to see that the root of your marriage is the relationship you have formed with Kendall. And all those other things are like a bonus.

Gabe: I’m not a stupid person. I agree with you. And if the tables were turned, if you were calling me up and you were saying, Gabe, Adam’s going to leave me, I would say all of the things to you that you are now saying to me, and I get it, I get the idea that Kendall is a grown woman. And if she has chosen to be married to me, she obviously wants to be married to me and she is getting something out of it. I don’t know. Maybe I make the best spaghetti. I listen, I honestly don’t know what it is. And I have asked her. I have. I’m like, why would you be married to me? And she’s like, well, my life is never boring. Why is this a priority? What do you mean? Your life is never boring? One, have you looked around? We live in suburbia. All the houses look the same. Our life is as boring as fuck. I just I can’t find that thing. I just. I can’t find that thing.

Jackie: In lieu of turning this into full blown therapy, because as we know, I love therapy, I’m not good at giving it to other people.

Gabe: Are you saying that you’re not a licensed therapist?

Jackie: I am not. And I also don’t know how to therap-ize other people, so

Gabe: Ha ha.

Jackie: I’m just, you know, taking what I’ve learned here. But I would encourage you to go to Kendall and ask her to work, to elaborate. And maybe she’s good in writing, maybe she’s good at talking like speak to her strengths of helping her understand what you bring to your marriage, because I assume that “it’s never boring” is a umbrella statement for a lot of tiny things that are great about you and what you bring to your marriage. But,  therapy session over, what is really happening here is a lot of unwarranted anxiety and you’re trying to navigate it. Right?

Gabe: I’m just scared that she’s going to leave and I feel that I need a backup plan for when it happens. And the keyword there being when. I’ve been through two divorces, I had a significant relationship where we lived together, and my biological father took one look at me when I was born and was like, yeah, no. I’ve suffered a lot of loss of people who are alive. And I haven’t even gotten into the loss I’ve suffered from people who have passed away. And I’ve lost a lot of people, relationships, jobs, social status from living with bipolar disorder. So loss is just ingrained. It’s just ingrained into me. In fact, I firmly believe that I have lost more people than I have gained. And what happens when Kendall is one of them? I don’t want to be caught with my pants down. That’s not a double entendre. I just I sincerely mean, I just, I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to call my mom and dad and tell them that I blew another marriage. I don’t want to reach over in the middle of the night and have nobody be there. And I want to know how to protect myself from that happening, because if she goes away, that’s going to happen to me. That’s going to happen to me again. And I don’t know that I can get through it for a 15th time.

Jackie: Oh, I have so many things I want to say, and most of them are encouraging. First and foremost, like, you know, that you will get through it because evidence of your life has shown that you have gotten through it. Every time you survived. Right. It may not have been pretty, but you did it. You’re still here. All those other losses did not destroy you to the point of no return. I know you’re gonna want to like say well, but, you know, I did get admitted, blah, blah, blah. Right? Like all those other things. But like, you’re

Gabe: Yes.

Jackie: Still here.

Gabe: I’m very resilient to being dumped.

Jackie: You’re a functioning human being, you’re on the planet. You have survived everything so far. Right or wrong?

Gabe: Sure. But, you know, come on, there’s people that have had their limbs hacked off that have survived. I don’t subscribe to this notion that whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

Jackie: Oh, I don’t either. 

Gabe: There’s lots of things that don’t kill you that make you really fucking weak.

Jackie: Agree, but at the root of it all, you have gotten through all of it, right? It wasn’t fun. You didn’t want to, but you did. You got through all of it. And you currently lead a life that is good and happy and sustainable.

Gabe: And let’s talk about that for a moment. You’re right. This is the best I’ve ever been. And sincerely, that’s part of the problem. This is the best my life has ever been. I am 43 years old. This is the most stable. This is the happiest. This is the healthiest. This is the wealthiest. This is the most in love. This is the everything. I mean, even if we want to, like, turn it into, you know, money equals happiness. Well, I’ve got the biggest house. I’ve got the nicest car and I’ve got the least amount of debt. If you want to turn it into. Oh, it’s the people you know. I know Kendall. Kendall’s amazing. I know you, Jackie. You’re amazing. I have like two best friends. I’m not saying I don’t want more friends. I’m just. We all want more. But if I just take a base look at what I have, it’s the most I ever had. And all I can think of and all that goes through my mind is this is the most I will lose. So when you talk about will I get through it? I don’t know. I’ve never fallen from this height.

Jackie: I’m having a really hard time responding to that because I am, because I’m tearing up, because I relate to it. And looking at a position in my life where I have the most to lose because I am doing well and I am very happy and very loved and successful. But I think that that’s when we start to catastrophize things, when things are going the best. We’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And for you right now, it’s manifesting as Kendall leaving. I’m always thinking about Adam dying. Always. I’m always thinking about Adam dying. And it’s the worst. I’ve never loved anybody so deeply and appreciated their presence in my life so much that I’ve had to think about what does it mean when they’re gone? So I can relate. It’s different, but I can totally relate. But I think that you’re in an important position right now, because now you have to figure out how to not turn this into a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you tell Kendall over and over and over again, you’re going to leave. And then finally she’s like, I can’t handle this anymore. I’m gonna leave, you know?

Gabe: Catastrophizing. Right. It’s making a mountain out of a molehill and, yeah. I know that I’m doing that. Again, the logical part of my brain is absolutely firing on all cylinders. And the second thing is that self-fulfilling prophecy. If I look backwards from this vantage point, I drove people away. I’m not saying that they were 100 percent right and I was 100 percent wrong. It’s never that simple. But I’m just saying that constantly worrying about something and obsessing over it and focusing on it, it does mean that you’re not focusing on the things that keep a relationship healthy and safe. If I look at Kendall and I think what can I do to get you to stay? I’m going to Of Mice and Men her you know?

Jackie: Yes.

Gabe: I’m going to pet the rabbit to death. I don’t want to do that. But when I lay awake at night, it seeps in, and it obviously open communication is a powerful tool for this and it is helping.

Jackie: We’ll be right back after we hear from our sponsors.

Announcer: Interested in learning about psychology and mental health from experts in the field? Give a listen to the Psych Central Podcast, hosted by Gabe Howard. Visit PsychCentral.com/Show or subscribe to The Psych Central Podcast on your favorite podcast player.

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Announcer: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe: And we’re back discussing our fear of losing our spouses.

Jackie: Have you talked to Kendall about all of this?

Gabe: One hundred percent. This episode is not going to shock her in any way. I’ve told her how I feel. We’ve talked about it a lot and that has helped. Like that is probably the biggest defense in all of this. Previously, I just internalized it 100 percent and I answered my own questions, which frankly is just a jerk move, right? When you’re having conversations with another person and you’re speaking for them and they don’t even know the conversation is going on like that just makes you a jackass. So I have these fears and I just said to Kendall, I feel like you’re going to leave me. And she, of course, said, I’m not going to leave you. Why do you think that way? And I told her why. I imagine for you it’s a little harder, Jackie, because I don’t know if you’ve told Adam that you’re afraid he’s going to die, but it’s obviously a lot more difficult for him to reassure you. And that does make me wonder, like, what has been your tactic for this? Because like you said, you’re at the highest point of your life as well.

Jackie: I have talked to Adam about this, and honestly, the most reassuring moments, you can’t reassure somebody you’re not going to die, right? 

Gabe: Right.

Jackie: This isn’t Captain America.

Gabe: Yeah.

Jackie: Where you’re like, I promise I will never die. But he said to me, I think about that, too, because I thought it was just me just panicking, like worst case scenario. When’s the shoe gonna drop? What if he dies? What do I do? How will I ever get through this? And he told me he thinks about it, too, which is weirdly comforting. It doesn’t solve anything for either of us, but it was like he feels the same way about his life. He’s afraid of losing what we’ve got too. And again, these are different scenarios. But I think the difference between where you and Kendall are right now is that Kendall is not afraid that you’re going to leave because she’s super, super confident in where you’re at and she believes in what you have. And I’m not saying that you don’t. But I’m saying that like you’ve got some life experience and some internal doubt. Probably maybe there’s some internal conflict. Maybe you’re – 

Gabe: I have abandonment issues out the wazoo. I mean, just let’s call a spade a spade. This has nothing to do with Kendall. I have unresolved abandonment issues that have gone unchallenged for way too long and became a thing.

Jackie: So check, check, check. You know, the root of all this. And you know that like you’re projecting this, you’re kind of putting this on her. Of I feel this way. I’m afraid of this. And it’s manifesting into like what I think you’re going to do about it. I am always going to tell you to keep going to therapy, because I think that, like, therapy is the best place that I’ve worked out my abandonment issues and even I’ve even talked about like, I’m afraid Adam’s going to die. And basically, what I learned, the quiet thing that people who are happily married don’t talk about is we’re all afraid our spouses are going to die like any minute. The second I started talking about that was the first time I had multiple people be like, oh, yeah, I think about this all the time. And I was like, oh, that’s what marriage is. Constantly being afraid that your favorite person in the whole world is going to die, which is, you know, awful. It’s a bad commercial for marriage, but it shows how much you value that person. And I think like that’s the root of this, right? You value Kendall, you want her around and you add in abandonment issues, especially ones that have not been tackled into probably something very tiny. I’m sure there was a catalyst and it was something so small. You either didn’t realize it or it seemed mundane. And it has slowly started to build into a full blown divorce. And that’s the kind of shit that ruins marriages. You know?

Gabe: Jackie, I think about these things a lot because of our job, right, it’s our job to research all of these concepts, to put together shows and to figure out what part of our personal lives we’re going to discuss and what part of our personal lives we’re not going to discuss. And where’s the gray area and what’s too far and what’s not enough? And we lead very open lives. And on one hand, that’s great because I want to educate people. But on the other hand, you know, sometimes I get email and they’re like, oh, my God, your marriage is so perfect. I wish I could have your marriage. And I think to myself, my marriage isn’t perfect. Kendall’s going to leave me at any moment, which is completely manufactured in my head. And then I tell people that and I talk to people in support groups or just, you know, out and about when I’m speaking or whatever. And people will say to me, I want your marriage. I’m like, well, listen, you know, my marriage isn’t perfect. You know, we fight about the dishes. You know, we have to discuss how to spend money. It’s just the world is not the Internet. Facebook is your best self. Instagram is your best pictures. There are no double chins on Instagram. Everything’s filtered, and I think that’s part of my problem, too. I honestly believe that my grandparents have a better marriage than they probably do because my grandparents aren’t going to fight in front of the kids. They’re not going to sit me down and say, hey, we had this conflict back in 1922. You know, I don’t know what they’re fighting about, but it’s their personal relationship. So we’re comparing everybody’s public self to our private self. And I think that tolls on me as well, because I’m just constantly looking at other people’s marriages and deciding that mine is bad, which is only going to end in disaster.

Jackie: As your friend right now, I want to tell you all the things I’m supposed to tell you, right? Like, Gabe, you know that’s not right. You can rationalize your way through this. You can talk to Kendall. You can, you know, everything that I’m supposed to say right now. So let’s pretend, like, I said all that stuff, because I want to and I mean it. But I mean, the reality is like sometimes specifically with anxiety, you can rationalize your way through it to your blue in the face, but it doesn’t make it go away. It’s still there.

Gabe: One of the best books that I ever read was by a gentleman named Dr. Gleb Tipursky, and he wrote a book called Never Go With Your Gut. Now he wrote it in the sense of business. You know, if you’re making a business decision based on your gut, that’s stupid. And he gives many, many examples. But one of the examples that he gives is that the reason that people get conned is because they’re trusting their gut. Con men are really good at making you excited, making you feel good. You know, they don’t talk about the $10,000 you have to send the Iranian prince. They talk about how you’re going to spend the hundred thousand dollars that they’re going to send back and they get you excited about that. You feel really good to get this influx of money and to help your family. And your gut is telling you this is fantastic and it overrides the logical part of your brain that says, hey, you’re sending $10,000 to a stranger in another country. There’s a lot of that here that I think is just exceptionally powerful for all of us to remember and all of us to know. Our gut lies just because something feels good doesn’t make it good. And taking that pause to remember, Kendall loves me. I think we can all be smarter in remembering that. And I really think that that is the best way forward.

Jackie: It’s really easy to get caught in the cycle in your brain of like this will happen and then this will happen and then, and you get in this incredible downward spiral where you’re at rock bottom in like four seconds. You’re like, wow, my life is shit now. Even when none of those things have happened. And it’s really hard to come out of it because now you’ve convinced yourself it’s gonna happen no matter what. One of the things that I do, I will take it to the worst case scenario to see what happens. And almost every time I’m still alive at the end of it, which is a silver lining, I guess maybe my life is terrible, but I’m still alive. So I’ve got that. But another thing that I do that is probably less depressing is I will journal out the good things. I practice gratitude. I try to do three a day in a tiny journal. I’m not very good at it, but I do think about it. And it’s almost always, I’m so grateful for Adam, I’m so grateful he’s in my life. And sometimes it just ends up being writing those positive things over and over and over again. A page of like, I’m so happy. I’m so grateful. Everything is fine. I will be okay. And even if it only solves it for like thirty five seconds, it’s still thirty five seconds that I don’t feel like the biggest pile of shit on the planet.

Gabe: And it’s important to remember that thirty five seconds is a lot and it’s forward progress and it’s forward momentum. Listen. Am I going to become the happiest person tomorrow? Probably not. But I really do think that I can do better. And, Jackie, of course, obviously, you’ve been talking to me about this for weeks and we didn’t have to talk about this on the air. So kudos for suggesting that you get paid for it.

Jackie: Yeah, I know I’m a genius, right? But part of it also, though, is what we do. There is a level of forced vulnerability, right? We could not talk about any of this. We could just keep it all behind the scenes and do like uplifting pop culture reference shows. But that’s not real and that’s not the show that we wanted to do. So, right back at you, like you chose to share this part. And I think it’s important.

Gabe: Thanks, Jackie. And hey, listeners, we got Not Crazy stickers. If you want some, e-mail show@PsychCentral.com and we’ll tell you how to go about it. Stay tuned after all of the credits because we always put funny stuff there. And finally, wherever you downloaded this podcast, please subscribe. Please rank. Please review. Share us on social media. Email us to a friend. Hey, if you have a social circle and you’re all at dinner, tell them about the Not Crazy podcast. Jackie and I would consider it a personal favor.

Jackie: We’ll see you all next week.

Podcast: I Fear My Spouse Will Abandon Me syndicated from

[erraticfairy]

Podcast: I Fear My Spouse Will Abandon Me



  Do you struggle with abandonment fears? Do you worry your partner will suddenly ditch you even though there’s no real reason to feel this way? In today’s Not Crazy podcast, Gabe opens up about his own deep-rooted fear that his wife will decide she doesn’t want him anymore. After all, he concludes, what does he have to offer her? I mean, surely she can do better. And even though he knows these fears are unfounded and irrational, he feels helpless in stopping them.

How can Gabe get these thoughts under control? Tune in to hear Jackie give some great advice to her dear friend, and for anyone dealing with abandonment issues.

(Transcript Available Below)

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

        Jackie Zimmerman has been in the patient advocacy game for over a decade and has established herself as an authority on chronic illness, patient-centric healthcare, and patient community building. She lives with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and depression.

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

    Computer Generated Transcript for “Spouse Abandonment” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Jackie: Hello and welcome to this week’s episode of Not Crazy. I am here with my co-host, Gabe.

Gabe: And of course, I’m here with my co-host, Jackie.

Jackie: And we were talking this morning about something that’s been weighing pretty heavily on your mind, and I thought let’s make this into an episode because that’s our lives. So you’ve been talking a lot about anxiety around the idea of your wife leaving you.

Gabe: It’s true. I don’t know why. And she’s given me no reason to think this. I just I wish. And I know this is kind of a messed up thing to say, but I wish that she gave me a reason to feel this way because then I wouldn’t feel so crazy. We were married almost eight years. There’s no problems. We’re not in the middle of a fight. I just have this gut, gut, visceral, strong feeling that the woman’s gonna leave me.

Jackie: Have you had this feeling in your marriage with Kendall or in any past relationships before?

Gabe: Well, I’m having this feeling in my marriage with Kendall right now.

Jackie: But like previously, like, has this ever happened before?

Gabe: No. No, it’s never happened before with Kendall. It has happened. You know what? No, no. This is the first time I have ever been jealous or had these feelings ever in my life. You know, now that I think about it, no. When all of my other relationships ended, I was completely blindsided. I have always been the dumped, never the dumpee because. Yeah. Yeah. Well, my first marriage, it just turns out women don’t like to be married to untreated bipolars.

Jackie: Weird.

Gabe: And in my my second marriage, we’re still friends, which is weird, but it was messed up.

Jackie: Ok, another thing.

Gabe: Yeah. It’s like memory lane. Thanks. Thanks.

Jackie: You’re welcome. That’s what we’re here for,

Gabe: I get dumped a lot.

Jackie: To make you feel miserable.

Gabe: That’s awesome.

Jackie: But you’re talking about this in therapy, which like Yahoo! for therapy, we know. I love it. What does your therapist say?

Gabe: My therapist likes to do this thing chain analysis, where we know that I have this feeling. So now let’s back up to why I have the feeling so and then when you connect those things, you can work on it. The problem is, is backwards doesn’t lead anywhere. I have this feeling, OK, what’s the one step back? Well, I don’t want my wife to leave me because I love her. OK, what’s the one step back from that? Is she giving you any reason? No. The best that I can come up with is that my wife, she’s beautiful, she’s intelligent. And this is one of the burdens of marrying somebody way younger than you. You know, she was like 26 when we got married. And now she’s not. She’s just achieved so much in the last eight years. And she’s not the same person. And this person is so incredible that it would be lunacy for her to stay with me.

Jackie: What do you bring to your marriage?

Gabe: I mean, I bring bipolar disorder to our marriage, a panic disorder, and anxiety disorder. I mean, those are some pretty nifty things to bring into a marriage.

Jackie: Ok. Right. But what else do you bring to your marriage? Smart ass.

Gabe: Obviously, I do bring things to the marriage, I do all the cooking, I do all the cleaning. I handle like the household organizational tasks, like, you know, the minutia of life is all handled by me. I do bring that to the marriage.

Jackie: Ok. But I’m going to ask you again, what else do you bring to the marriage? Because you basically are like, I’m her personal assistant through all of those things. What else makes your marriage uniquely yours because you’re in it?

Gabe: I just told you I was her personal assistant. I am her personal assistant. I handle all of that stuff for her, which is why it wouldn’t be so big of a loss to lose me. The other day I said to Kendall, If I left, you would have all the same things that you have now except the dog. I’m taking the dog.

Jackie: And she said no. Right?

Gabe: Oh, yeah, yeah. She said no. And it’s sweet, loving, hugged me, kissed me, told me I was wonderful. But come on. What’s she supposed to say? You can’t tell the dude that you’re married to that you’re living with. Yeah, that’s a good point. I could hire all of the things that you do for me and not have to tolerate your dumb ass.

Jackie: Ok. You’re looking at all like literally the physical things that you bring to your marriage. Right. You are there. You do all of these things that are like, I physically exist in the same room as my wife. What you’re not remembering or not seeing or not acknowledging is that you bring more to your marriage than just like the acts you perform. And the reason why this is really important to me personally is because I live with two chronic illnesses, one of which could make me completely physically unable to take care of myself at any moment, literally at any minute. M.S. could be like, you can’t walk anymore. You can’t feed yourself. This is a real fun party. So you bring more to your marriage than just like the acts you perform for her. You offer her companionship. You offer her comedic relief. You offer her emotional support in everything, I’m sure. And well, I’m sure you’re gonna tell me. It doesn’t matter because you’re bipolar, because you detract as much as you give. Blah, blah, blah. You’re failing to see that the root of your marriage is the relationship you have formed with Kendall. And all those other things are like a bonus.

Gabe: I’m not a stupid person. I agree with you. And if the tables were turned, if you were calling me up and you were saying, Gabe, Adam’s going to leave me, I would say all of the things to you that you are now saying to me, and I get it, I get the idea that Kendall is a grown woman. And if she has chosen to be married to me, she obviously wants to be married to me and she is getting something out of it. I don’t know. Maybe I make the best spaghetti. I listen, I honestly don’t know what it is. And I have asked her. I have. I’m like, why would you be married to me? And she’s like, well, my life is never boring. Why is this a priority? What do you mean? Your life is never boring? One, have you looked around? We live in suburbia. All the houses look the same. Our life is as boring as fuck. I just I can’t find that thing. I just. I can’t find that thing.

Jackie: In lieu of turning this into full blown therapy, because as we know, I love therapy, I’m not good at giving it to other people.

Gabe: Are you saying that you’re not a licensed therapist?

Jackie: I am not. And I also don’t know how to therap-ize other people, so

Gabe: Ha ha.

Jackie: I’m just, you know, taking what I’ve learned here. But I would encourage you to go to Kendall and ask her to work, to elaborate. And maybe she’s good in writing, maybe she’s good at talking like speak to her strengths of helping her understand what you bring to your marriage, because I assume that “it’s never boring” is a umbrella statement for a lot of tiny things that are great about you and what you bring to your marriage. But,  therapy session over, what is really happening here is a lot of unwarranted anxiety and you’re trying to navigate it. Right?

Gabe: I’m just scared that she’s going to leave and I feel that I need a backup plan for when it happens. And the keyword there being when. I’ve been through two divorces, I had a significant relationship where we lived together, and my biological father took one look at me when I was born and was like, yeah, no. I’ve suffered a lot of loss of people who are alive. And I haven’t even gotten into the loss I’ve suffered from people who have passed away. And I’ve lost a lot of people, relationships, jobs, social status from living with bipolar disorder. So loss is just ingrained. It’s just ingrained into me. In fact, I firmly believe that I have lost more people than I have gained. And what happens when Kendall is one of them? I don’t want to be caught with my pants down. That’s not a double entendre. I just I sincerely mean, I just, I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to call my mom and dad and tell them that I blew another marriage. I don’t want to reach over in the middle of the night and have nobody be there. And I want to know how to protect myself from that happening, because if she goes away, that’s going to happen to me. That’s going to happen to me again. And I don’t know that I can get through it for a 15th time.

Jackie: Oh, I have so many things I want to say, and most of them are encouraging. First and foremost, like, you know, that you will get through it because evidence of your life has shown that you have gotten through it. Every time you survived. Right. It may not have been pretty, but you did it. You’re still here. All those other losses did not destroy you to the point of no return. I know you’re gonna want to like say well, but, you know, I did get admitted, blah, blah, blah. Right? Like all those other things. But like, you’re

Gabe: Yes.

Jackie: Still here.

Gabe: I’m very resilient to being dumped.

Jackie: You’re a functioning human being, you’re on the planet. You have survived everything so far. Right or wrong?

Gabe: Sure. But, you know, come on, there’s people that have had their limbs hacked off that have survived. I don’t subscribe to this notion that whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

Jackie: Oh, I don’t either. 

Gabe: There’s lots of things that don’t kill you that make you really fucking weak.

Jackie: Agree, but at the root of it all, you have gotten through all of it, right? It wasn’t fun. You didn’t want to, but you did. You got through all of it. And you currently lead a life that is good and happy and sustainable.

Gabe: And let’s talk about that for a moment. You’re right. This is the best I’ve ever been. And sincerely, that’s part of the problem. This is the best my life has ever been. I am 43 years old. This is the most stable. This is the happiest. This is the healthiest. This is the wealthiest. This is the most in love. This is the everything. I mean, even if we want to, like, turn it into, you know, money equals happiness. Well, I’ve got the biggest house. I’ve got the nicest car and I’ve got the least amount of debt. If you want to turn it into. Oh, it’s the people you know. I know Kendall. Kendall’s amazing. I know you, Jackie. You’re amazing. I have like two best friends. I’m not saying I don’t want more friends. I’m just. We all want more. But if I just take a base look at what I have, it’s the most I ever had. And all I can think of and all that goes through my mind is this is the most I will lose. So when you talk about will I get through it? I don’t know. I’ve never fallen from this height.

Jackie: I’m having a really hard time responding to that because I am, because I’m tearing up, because I relate to it. And looking at a position in my life where I have the most to lose because I am doing well and I am very happy and very loved and successful. But I think that that’s when we start to catastrophize things, when things are going the best. We’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And for you right now, it’s manifesting as Kendall leaving. I’m always thinking about Adam dying. Always. I’m always thinking about Adam dying. And it’s the worst. I’ve never loved anybody so deeply and appreciated their presence in my life so much that I’ve had to think about what does it mean when they’re gone? So I can relate. It’s different, but I can totally relate. But I think that you’re in an important position right now, because now you have to figure out how to not turn this into a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you tell Kendall over and over and over again, you’re going to leave. And then finally she’s like, I can’t handle this anymore. I’m gonna leave, you know?

Gabe: Catastrophizing. Right. It’s making a mountain out of a molehill and, yeah. I know that I’m doing that. Again, the logical part of my brain is absolutely firing on all cylinders. And the second thing is that self-fulfilling prophecy. If I look backwards from this vantage point, I drove people away. I’m not saying that they were 100 percent right and I was 100 percent wrong. It’s never that simple. But I’m just saying that constantly worrying about something and obsessing over it and focusing on it, it does mean that you’re not focusing on the things that keep a relationship healthy and safe. If I look at Kendall and I think what can I do to get you to stay? I’m going to Of Mice and Men her you know?

Jackie: Yes.

Gabe: I’m going to pet the rabbit to death. I don’t want to do that. But when I lay awake at night, it seeps in, and it obviously open communication is a powerful tool for this and it is helping.

Jackie: We’ll be right back after we hear from our sponsors.

Announcer: Interested in learning about psychology and mental health from experts in the field? Give a listen to the Psych Central Podcast, hosted by Gabe Howard. Visit PsychCentral.com/Show or subscribe to The Psych Central Podcast on your favorite podcast player.

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Gabe: And we’re back discussing our fear of losing our spouses.

Jackie: Have you talked to Kendall about all of this?

Gabe: One hundred percent. This episode is not going to shock her in any way. I’ve told her how I feel. We’ve talked about it a lot and that has helped. Like that is probably the biggest defense in all of this. Previously, I just internalized it 100 percent and I answered my own questions, which frankly is just a jerk move, right? When you’re having conversations with another person and you’re speaking for them and they don’t even know the conversation is going on like that just makes you a jackass. So I have these fears and I just said to Kendall, I feel like you’re going to leave me. And she, of course, said, I’m not going to leave you. Why do you think that way? And I told her why. I imagine for you it’s a little harder, Jackie, because I don’t know if you’ve told Adam that you’re afraid he’s going to die, but it’s obviously a lot more difficult for him to reassure you. And that does make me wonder, like, what has been your tactic for this? Because like you said, you’re at the highest point of your life as well.

Jackie: I have talked to Adam about this, and honestly, the most reassuring moments, you can’t reassure somebody you’re not going to die, right? 

Gabe: Right.

Jackie: This isn’t Captain America.

Gabe: Yeah.

Jackie: Where you’re like, I promise I will never die. But he said to me, I think about that, too, because I thought it was just me just panicking, like worst case scenario. When’s the shoe gonna drop? What if he dies? What do I do? How will I ever get through this? And he told me he thinks about it, too, which is weirdly comforting. It doesn’t solve anything for either of us, but it was like he feels the same way about his life. He’s afraid of losing what we’ve got too. And again, these are different scenarios. But I think the difference between where you and Kendall are right now is that Kendall is not afraid that you’re going to leave because she’s super, super confident in where you’re at and she believes in what you have. And I’m not saying that you don’t. But I’m saying that like you’ve got some life experience and some internal doubt. Probably maybe there’s some internal conflict. Maybe you’re – 

Gabe: I have abandonment issues out the wazoo. I mean, just let’s call a spade a spade. This has nothing to do with Kendall. I have unresolved abandonment issues that have gone unchallenged for way too long and became a thing.

Jackie: So check, check, check. You know, the root of all this. And you know that like you’re projecting this, you’re kind of putting this on her. Of I feel this way. I’m afraid of this. And it’s manifesting into like what I think you’re going to do about it. I am always going to tell you to keep going to therapy, because I think that, like, therapy is the best place that I’ve worked out my abandonment issues and even I’ve even talked about like, I’m afraid Adam’s going to die. And basically, what I learned, the quiet thing that people who are happily married don’t talk about is we’re all afraid our spouses are going to die like any minute. The second I started talking about that was the first time I had multiple people be like, oh, yeah, I think about this all the time. And I was like, oh, that’s what marriage is. Constantly being afraid that your favorite person in the whole world is going to die, which is, you know, awful. It’s a bad commercial for marriage, but it shows how much you value that person. And I think like that’s the root of this, right? You value Kendall, you want her around and you add in abandonment issues, especially ones that have not been tackled into probably something very tiny. I’m sure there was a catalyst and it was something so small. You either didn’t realize it or it seemed mundane. And it has slowly started to build into a full blown divorce. And that’s the kind of shit that ruins marriages. You know?

Gabe: Jackie, I think about these things a lot because of our job, right, it’s our job to research all of these concepts, to put together shows and to figure out what part of our personal lives we’re going to discuss and what part of our personal lives we’re not going to discuss. And where’s the gray area and what’s too far and what’s not enough? And we lead very open lives. And on one hand, that’s great because I want to educate people. But on the other hand, you know, sometimes I get email and they’re like, oh, my God, your marriage is so perfect. I wish I could have your marriage. And I think to myself, my marriage isn’t perfect. Kendall’s going to leave me at any moment, which is completely manufactured in my head. And then I tell people that and I talk to people in support groups or just, you know, out and about when I’m speaking or whatever. And people will say to me, I want your marriage. I’m like, well, listen, you know, my marriage isn’t perfect. You know, we fight about the dishes. You know, we have to discuss how to spend money. It’s just the world is not the Internet. Facebook is your best self. Instagram is your best pictures. There are no double chins on Instagram. Everything’s filtered, and I think that’s part of my problem, too. I honestly believe that my grandparents have a better marriage than they probably do because my grandparents aren’t going to fight in front of the kids. They’re not going to sit me down and say, hey, we had this conflict back in 1922. You know, I don’t know what they’re fighting about, but it’s their personal relationship. So we’re comparing everybody’s public self to our private self. And I think that tolls on me as well, because I’m just constantly looking at other people’s marriages and deciding that mine is bad, which is only going to end in disaster.

Jackie: As your friend right now, I want to tell you all the things I’m supposed to tell you, right? Like, Gabe, you know that’s not right. You can rationalize your way through this. You can talk to Kendall. You can, you know, everything that I’m supposed to say right now. So let’s pretend, like, I said all that stuff, because I want to and I mean it. But I mean, the reality is like sometimes specifically with anxiety, you can rationalize your way through it to your blue in the face, but it doesn’t make it go away. It’s still there.

Gabe: One of the best books that I ever read was by a gentleman named Dr. Gleb Tipursky, and he wrote a book called Never Go With Your Gut. Now he wrote it in the sense of business. You know, if you’re making a business decision based on your gut, that’s stupid. And he gives many, many examples. But one of the examples that he gives is that the reason that people get conned is because they’re trusting their gut. Con men are really good at making you excited, making you feel good. You know, they don’t talk about the $10,000 you have to send the Iranian prince. They talk about how you’re going to spend the hundred thousand dollars that they’re going to send back and they get you excited about that. You feel really good to get this influx of money and to help your family. And your gut is telling you this is fantastic and it overrides the logical part of your brain that says, hey, you’re sending $10,000 to a stranger in another country. There’s a lot of that here that I think is just exceptionally powerful for all of us to remember and all of us to know. Our gut lies just because something feels good doesn’t make it good. And taking that pause to remember, Kendall loves me. I think we can all be smarter in remembering that. And I really think that that is the best way forward.

Jackie: It’s really easy to get caught in the cycle in your brain of like this will happen and then this will happen and then, and you get in this incredible downward spiral where you’re at rock bottom in like four seconds. You’re like, wow, my life is shit now. Even when none of those things have happened. And it’s really hard to come out of it because now you’ve convinced yourself it’s gonna happen no matter what. One of the things that I do, I will take it to the worst case scenario to see what happens. And almost every time I’m still alive at the end of it, which is a silver lining, I guess maybe my life is terrible, but I’m still alive. So I’ve got that. But another thing that I do that is probably less depressing is I will journal out the good things. I practice gratitude. I try to do three a day in a tiny journal. I’m not very good at it, but I do think about it. And it’s almost always, I’m so grateful for Adam, I’m so grateful he’s in my life. And sometimes it just ends up being writing those positive things over and over and over again. A page of like, I’m so happy. I’m so grateful. Everything is fine. I will be okay. And even if it only solves it for like thirty five seconds, it’s still thirty five seconds that I don’t feel like the biggest pile of shit on the planet.

Gabe: And it’s important to remember that thirty five seconds is a lot and it’s forward progress and it’s forward momentum. Listen. Am I going to become the happiest person tomorrow? Probably not. But I really do think that I can do better. And, Jackie, of course, obviously, you’ve been talking to me about this for weeks and we didn’t have to talk about this on the air. So kudos for suggesting that you get paid for it.

Jackie: Yeah, I know I’m a genius, right? But part of it also, though, is what we do. There is a level of forced vulnerability, right? We could not talk about any of this. We could just keep it all behind the scenes and do like uplifting pop culture reference shows. But that’s not real and that’s not the show that we wanted to do. So, right back at you, like you chose to share this part. And I think it’s important.

Gabe: Thanks, Jackie. And hey, listeners, we got Not Crazy stickers. If you want some, e-mail show@PsychCentral.com and we’ll tell you how to go about it. Stay tuned after all of the credits because we always put funny stuff there. And finally, wherever you downloaded this podcast, please subscribe. Please rank. Please review. Share us on social media. Email us to a friend. Hey, if you have a social circle and you’re all at dinner, tell them about the Not Crazy podcast. Jackie and I would consider it a personal favor.

Jackie: We’ll see you all next week.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2U9zp5H via theshiningmind.com

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Brave words: a photographic project is helping people with mental health issues express how they truly feel

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Brave words: a photographic project is helping people with mental health issues express how they truly feel

The thing about mental illness,” says journalist Bryony Gordon, “is that it doesn’t want to be on the outside. It wants to be in your self and it wants you alone, isolated, thinking you’re a freak. That’s how it thrives. It does not want you to talk about it being there.”

Charlie Clift, the co-creator of Let’s Talk, a photography campaign designed to shake up preconceptions about mental illness, knows the feeling. “I had to take a year out at university because of depression,” he says. He was one of the lucky ones. “I could talk to my parents and to my tutors and friends.” Clift took up photography during that lost year. He’d go up to strangers on the street, chat, take their portraits. Fast forward a decade and he’s now putting his photographs on the street, except this time his 17 sitters, who include Alastair Campbell, Sue Perkins, Anna Richardson, Jordan Stephens and Bryony Gordon, have their experiences of mental illness written on their faces. The effect is powerful, poetic, startling.

“I wanted to find a way within visual images of not hiding people’s thoughts,” says Clift, who collaborated with illustrator Kate Forrester in a dynamic creative practice that saw interviewees divulging their inner demons. Forrester transferred their most salient words on to her human canvases and then Clift took their portrait. “Painting on someone’s face is a very intimate act,” says Forrester, “made more so by the sensitive content. But the creation of these images was a surprisingly joyful experience.

“It was humbling that these people had agreed to be so open with us,” she says, “about such difficult and personal aspects of their daily struggles, putting themselves out there to reassure others that they are not alone.”

Not by any stretch of the imagination. Every week, one in six adults experiences symptoms of mental illness, such as anxiety and depression, according to the 2014 Adult Psychiatric Morbidity Survey. One in five adults has considered suicide and nearly half of adults believe that they have experienced mental illness in their lifetime, with only a third of them receiving a diagnosis.

This is unsurprising, given the stigma attached to mental illness in our achievement-driven, externally focused culture. Vulnerability dares not show its face; it is safer to project sanitised versions of ourselves. Clift hopes his 2m-high portraits emblazoned with “oblivion,” “innately sad” and “you have to put on a face” may assure others that our whole – but fractured – selves are acceptable.

“If you suffer with anxiety or a panic disorder it doesn’t mean you can’t also be strong, fun or capable,” says comedian and writer Sue Perkins. For her, having “everything raging” drawn on her face was “very liberating. This is just another part of me – a very human part. There is a fear in us not to disclose problems because we will be perceived as weak. I know I am not weak. We are all a work in progress.” Imagine what it would be like if we wrote our darkest thoughts on our faces, Perkins adds, and bumped into our neighbours. “It would be like: I can’t believe you get anxious, too. I had no idea.”

When Alastair Campbell left Clift’s studio, he kept his make-up on. “My cab driver asked me about it. I then did my whole boxing session with it still on.” Steve Wallington went for a break during the shoot. “A man walked past,” says Clift, “and said: ‘What’s on your face?’ ‘My most difficult thoughts,’ Steve said, and this guy just opened up, about how he’d lost his wife, about being a father, and how hard it was, as a man, to find people to talk to.”

Bryony Gordon

Author and journalist

I have OCD and am in recovery from addiction, but untreated, mental illness snowballs into a million other mental illnesses. I feel like my brain is wired wrong; it doesn’t want the best for me. Left to my own devices, my brain would like me dead. When I am feeling “wrong”, it’s like I am the wrong person, doing the wrong things, feeling the wrong things. I don’t fit. I’m not wired right. So I have to be vigilant. I felt very naked having my words on my face. It felt very uncomfortable. But it’s a wonderful way of taking the shame and fear out of mental illness.

Nathaniel Cole

Freelance researcher

‘I like to write down what I’m feeling when I’m struggling’: Nathaniel Cole. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

With depression, it’s knowing that you should be going out to work, or even doing something simple like taking a walk, but you can’t face any of that. It’s like a monster that holds you back. If I’m having a difficult moment, I let my friends and partner know. I like to write down what I’m feeling when I’m struggling.

Oli Regan

Actor

‘Volunteering for a year with Mind made life worth living’: Oli Regan. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

I grew up as an only child – or “lonely child” as an eight-year-old me would say – and often felt left out. When I hit 17, I knew things weren’t right. I began taking drugs and drinking excessively. Sometimes the people with the most pain hide behind the biggest smile. I got diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety and severe ADHD at the ripe old age of 25, after years of no help. Volunteering for a year with Mind made life worth living. I’m helping people I don’t personally know every day, which is really humbling.

Sue Perkins

Comedian and broadcaster

‘I read those words as if they were a stranger’s’: Sue Perkins. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

I have a panic disorder kick-started by a benign brain tumour called a prolactinoma. Before medication, I’d feel like my eyes were being pushed out of my head. The pressure was intense, as if everything was about to explode. I felt as if someone had pointed a gun at my head and was about to kill me; that’s how extreme the fear was. I got used to the feeling. I just kept on going. I still get panic attacks, but they are less frequent. Having my face painted was profound. I read those words as if they were a stranger’s, and found myself thinking, “I must help you.” How awful that we don’t make time for self-care. East of Croydon by Sue Perkins (Michael Joseph) is published on 18 October at £20

Steve Harris

Disabled activist

‘Part of my mind assumes terrible things are imminent’: Steve Harris. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

I suffer with anxiety and depression. The anxiety can feel like I am constantly howling at myself in my mind – part of my mind assumes terrible things are imminent. The depression can be a relief as it’s the opposite of caring so much, it’s total numbness. When I first realised the extent to which I struggle with mental health , I went through denial and anger. With a lot of education, therapy and support, I’m learning that this stuff is part of being me and that while I can be ashamed of feeling weak, nobody else judges me as harshly as I judge myself.

Jordan Stephens

Rapper in Rizzle Kicks

‘I want to be part of a movement that creates a language to describe how someone is feeling from day to day’: Jordan Stephens. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

Running through custard, that’s how a bad day feels. I’ve got ADHD, but my main issue is self-sabotage and taking anger out on myself. I find harmony terrifying, though I am at a point in my life where I am very calm. A bad day is like having dirt on your glasses and you haven’t got the energy to clean them. It’s like I am another person, who doesn’t want to do anything, to write, eat, exercise. Wearing my heart on my face wasn’t unusual for me. I am quite open. I want to be part of a mental health movement that creates a language to describe how someone is feeling from day to day.

Lucy Allen

Counsellor

‘My advice is talk talk talk’: Lucy Allen. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

When I’m in a bad episode of depression or a bad life event, I feel the deepest sadness that I just can’t place. It runs right through my body. I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment when I’m low, like it’s not valid. I also see everything through a tinge of darkness. My advice is talk talk talk. Find a therapist, keep trying different ones until you find the right one for you. Don’t be put off. Celebrate the small successes – getting up or leaving the house are major victories sometimes. Be with nature.

Emily Hartridge

YouTube presenter

‘For me, exercise has been a game changer’: Emily Hartridge. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

My anxiety was severe and although I don’t like labels, if I was to label myself I’d say I had GAD [generalised anxiety disorder]. So that means you have a general feeling of anxiety all the time. You feel hot, you can’t sit still, your mind is racing. Well, imagine all those feelings every second of every minute of every day… and there you have anxiety. For me, exercise has been a game changer. I do boxing and yoga and have found them to be so helpful because for that one hour you are disconnected from the outside world.

Alastair Campbell

Political aide and author

‘I have bouts of creativity when I come out of my depression’: Alastair Campbell. Photograph: Charlie Clift. Lettering artist: Kate Forrester

On a really bad day – and it’s far from every day – I think, “I don’t really want to be here.” I feel sad, but with an intensity that goes beyond feeling sad. I feel both dead and alive. I am conscious of being alive, awake, breathing, needing to eat – but inside I am numb. The pain is almost physical. It’s not all bad – my resilience comes from my depression. It’s helped me withstand a lot of pressure, from social media or wherever, and now I care about what matters and care little about what doesn’t. I have bouts of creativity when I come out of my depression.

A free outdoor exhibition of Let’s Talk will be on display from 8-22 October in Regent’s Place, London, thanks to the support of British Land and Mental Health UK. If you are affected by any these issues or need help, call the Samaritans on 116 123

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It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

For many young people, adolescence is transitionary period from the dependency of childhood, into the responsibilities of young adulthood. With that transition comes its own set of difficulties and hardships, but it can be even harder for those suffering with a mental illness. In 2014, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) reported that one in five young adults from the ages 18 to 25 experience a mental illness. And seventy-five percent of those who develop mental health issues, do so in late adolescence or young adulthood.

Mental illness is a broad range of medical conditions (such as major depression, schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive disorder, or panic disorder) that are marked primarily by sufficient disorganization of personality, mind, or emotions to impair normal psychological functioning and cause marked distress or disability and that are typically associated with a disruption in normal thinking, feeling, mood, behavior, interpersonal interactions, or daily functioning. Sometimes people can suffer through multiple disorders or conditions simultaneously.

Mental illness has long been surrounded by a social stigma that prevented people from openly talking about their own struggles or seeking help. For many years it was seen as an overreaction and something people were simply told to “get over”. Without treatment these illness can have dire consequences. Approximately half of students 14 and older with mental illnesses dropout of high school. Right now suicide is the second leading cause of death in teens and young adults. Meanwhile, ninety percent of suicides are treatable mental health conditions. For those that manage to get help, their treatment is often delayed on average ten years from their first symptoms.

Treatment is an important part of mental health and often people going untreated for various reasons. The stigma for mental illness doesn’t end with the patients, often doctors can succumb to the same judgements. Doctors, especially pediatricians, can be weary of prescribing medication as the side effects and risks can be harmful. This often leads to untreated conditions in adolescents and can even carry into adulthood. Taking medication for conditions such as depression or anxiety carries a sense of shame within our own society, in a way that taking medication for a heart condition doesn’t. It can cause people to be shameful or reluctant to take medication, in order to not deal with the societal repercussions.  

However, treatment is not just a one and done situation. It requires daily effort to essentially just live a “normal” life. It doesn’t just go away one day, but with proper care and treatment it doesn’t have to limit you. Some days are going to be worse than others, some you can feel just fine. During an interview with Leora Reingrover, a twenty-six year old sufferer of severe anxiety, I asked her to describe how it felt to live with anxiety. She said the following:

“I am always nervous. I could be experiencing a perfect day and perpetual thoughts of what if? Why? Should I? Why didn’t I? Will they? Relentlessly circulate through my mind. These thoughts are never positive. For me, anxiety is like having a person follow me around 24/7, questioning every single thought and/or action that I make. Anxiety is merciless. It can cause me to zone out, shake, change my mood drastically, cancel plans for no reason, and procrastinate on extreme levels. As a result I have become more of a recluse. I spend most of my time alone in fear that I will do or say something ridiculous. Every single day is a struggle. I am unsure of almost everything I do, and I don’t like to make decisions on the behalf of other people because I fear they will not like the choice I made. I will always continue to push myself regardless of my anxiety. Telling myself “JUST DO IT,” is usually how I move past or silence my doubtful thoughts.”

Everyone has a different experience with mental illnesses and it is not a one size fits all. Not all treatments are going to be good options for everyone and will often have different outcomes dependent on the person. It is important to find out what works best for the individual. It can be a combination of treatments such as medication, therapy, hotlines, or even just routine check ins with a friend.

Technology has become a great tool in all aspects of the world, and it’s no surprise that it would become a great resource for mental health. BetterHelp is the world's largest e-counselling platform and their mission is simple “Making professional counseling accessible, affordable, convenient - so anyone who struggles with life’s challenges can get help, anytime, anywhere.” BetterHelp offers access to licensed, trained, experienced, and accredited psychologists (PhD / PsyD), marriage and family therapists (LMFT), clinical social workers (LCSW / LMSW), and board licensed professional counselors (LPC). It’s an app you can download on your phone or use on a computer that allows you to text, call, video chat, and email the counselor you were matched with. They do their best to match you with a counselor that would be the most beneficial for you and someone that you feel comfortable with, such as male or female, specialize is a specific area such as LGBTQ, or even religious or nonreligious.

Psychotherapy, also referred to as talk therapy or counseling is common in the mental health field to improve overall mental health and well being. Research shows that counseling is more effective at improving mental health than other treatments. Although it’s effective, access to counseling is still one of the largest obstacles we face. With one in four adults in need of this counseling, less than 14% of them are actually receiving that treatment. Unfortunately cost is usually a large part of why people skip out on mental health - they assume that this is all normal. Even after diagnosis, treatment can be costly and many have to forgo therapy or medication in favor of food or shelter.

For most, admitting that you’re not okay can be a hard truth to face. Society has deemed it something that makes you weaker and something that should be kept private. But how different they would feel about cancer or being in a car accident, those were not a choice and neither is a mental condition. You wouldn’t turn your friends away if they told you they broke their legs, so why would you do that to someone that is depressed. What would happen if you saw GoFundMe’s for people that just wanted to continue therapy or they were a little short to get their antidepressants, would you be as quick to donate as you would if they were just trying to pay their medical bills after an accident.

In order to change the stigma around mental health and mental awareness we have to be open to talking about it. There should be more representation in TV shows and movies, even celebrities openly talking about their own struggles. Shows such as Shameless (US version) openly explored bipolar disorder through two characters, Ian and Monica, who experience it very differently. The representation of bipolar disorder and taking medication can be beneficial and resonate with viewers. It has the ability to start conversations and allow people to better understand themselves or someone they know.

Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder are not bad words, you don’t get in trouble for saying them out loud. It’s not always so obvious that someone might have something going on and we have to check in on those around us, because more often than not, people are willing to suffering in silence than admit they need help. As a society, if we were taught about mental issues in school and grew up with them being just a part of life we could build a more understanding community for people to heal.

There are various organizations that aim to educate people about mental illnesses but society is still lacking information for younger generations. Hope For The Day is a nonprofit organization that achieves proactive suicide prevention through outreach, mental health education, and raising the visibility of resources in their community. Their Agents of Impact are trained to facilitate this conversation in their communities, schools, places of worship, libraries, and more. They become leaders in bringing proactive prevention to their spaces, and creating sustainable outreach and education. To Write Love on Her Arms is non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. Both of these organizations got their start on social media and have a predominantly younger following. They are picking up these conversations where the world seems to have stopped.

With the proper education and resources young adults are able to get the help that they need in order to live a better life. They can have open discussions with friends, family, employers and others without it jeopardizing their abilities or putting themselves at risk. If people were more open to the concept of mental health, more people would have the ability to get treatment at a younger age. Ending the stigma of mental illness has the potential to impact the globe, and to create a more understanding environment to seek treatment.

[atticusblog2016-blog]

New Post has been published on Atticusblog

New Post has been published on https://atticusblog.com/ending-mental-health-stigma/

Ending mental health stigma

We need to have a frank discussion about mental health in our community

Each May during Mental Health Month, we, as a nation, come together to raise awareness about mental health; yet for far too long we have missed the opportunities to speak up, as individuals and communities. As mental health become more visible, the need for this dialogue is more important now than ever.

According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, one in 25 live with a serious mental illness. Further, only 44 percent of adults with diagnosable mental health problems and less than 20 percent of children and adolescents receive needed treatment. One of the main reasons people go untreated is the stigma surrounding mental illness.

Red flags indicating issues in children and adolescents’ mental health are often overlooked and dismissed. The unfortunate reality is that 50 percent of mental health conditions begin by age 14 and 75 percents begin before age 24 according to a report by the National Alliance on Mental Illness. In addition to this, approximately 50 percent of students age 14 and older with a mental illness will drop out of high school. This demonstrates the need for more early childhood mental health screenings and access to comprehensive support systems throughout a child’s education. We have also seen an 84 percent increase since 2008 in the hospitalization rate for children with the serious mental illness according to the county’s own Conditions of Children report. These statistics are indicators that we need to be doing more for mental health. That is why locally the Orange County Health Care Agency has launched #UpliftOC to shine a spotlight on mental health because each mind matters.

Since assuming office a little more than two years ago, it has been a priority of mine to address our mental health needs. I serve on the county’s Mental Health Board and I have witnessed great strides toward addressing mental health in the county. Just this year, I voted to approve the addition of more Crisis Stabilization Units for children and adults. These facilities will provide medical beds for children and adults who are experiencing mental health crises that require supervision of a medical professional. For the past 36 years, the county only had one CSU with 10 beds serving patients 18 and up exclusively. By providing more facilities to receive specialized care instead of visiting an emergency room, we can begin to more appropriately link patients with the necessary treatments to improve their quality of life, eventually facilitating a healthy transition into adulthood.

  Novel Writing – Nailing the Ending Scene

  Endings can be tough. You’ve slogged to complete a novel and if the give up is horrible, it’s going to break the entire tale. On the opposite, if the finishing is memorable, readers may not mind studying a few dull scenes for your e-book. Endings can make or destroy your novel just like openings. However, writing endings is not complicated like most of the people suppose. Once you’ve reached the stop, it’s going to certainly drift. Sometimes, writers generally tend to feel that the ending isn’t always perfect and need to make it higher. Here are some approaches to make your finishing memorable. Before that, I would really like to speak about the principle three types of endings-

1) Happy ending 2) Ambiguous ending three) Tragic finishing

Now, I will discuss a few certain shot approaches and sentences to stop your novel. This isn’t always maths so please don’t get scared.

1) End of the start line- This effect works splendidly for sentimental and self-discovery novel. The beginning line repeated in the long run or a slight version gives a complete and rounded finishing. For instance- If your novel begins with the sentence ‘I can by no means overlook that day’, it may stop with exactly the identical line after all of the events have occurred or a slight variation. This works best for the novel in which the story is advised after the events have taken place (something like Titanic) or the author has a clear photograph of the ending. These varieties of endings do now not work properly for horror or mystery novels which thrive on suspense. Revealing the ending inside the starting can damage the impact of such novels.

saying goodbye to a relationship

2) Ambiguous endings- These work properly for horror and thrillers mainly mental horror. Mirrors (a horror movie), The Ring, One Missed Call and The Grudge all have this sort of finishing. Leaving the reader’s spine bloodless and blood frozen is the goal of horror and mystery novels and an ambiguous or extremely poor finishing is ideal to acquire this impact. Much like the previous sort of ending, this finishing comes a full circle when the character discovers he/she is the same position after an extended struggle which can be terrifying. This finishing achieves the equal effect as the preceding one without ruining the suspense.

3) The title of the ebook- Another memorable manner to stop.

The Importance of Mental Maths

A part of the mind is chargeable for effective calculation and if unexplored, it fails to increase properly. For this motive, it will become important to educate intellectual maths to youngsters inside the age gap of five to 10 years. This in flip improves their capacity to apply 4 arithmetic regulations in high pace to gain answers without the use of any tools. Several factors make this a crucial part of getting to know.

– It creates excellent concentration ranges. – Improves on the listening skills – Improves self-esteem and patience – Application skills are advanced. – Comprehension and calculation capabilities are improved. – It creates a better reminiscence and sharp statement. – Children develop logical wondering and plotting which is crucial.

One of the most crucial elements to consider in this manner is the manipulation of numbers in the head. Creating wide variety experience is one of the maximum critical steps in the direction of understanding this aim. This is the easy motive it contains estimation, dimension and location cost. This idea, in turn, makes it smooth for college kids to memorize math information easily. The fine manner in which to educate mental maths is to thread random numbers together and ask students to locate the answer. In order to impact this with no trouble, it is consequently important to train kids a way to conceptualize the mathematical process. As they discover ways to perform these calculations within the mind, speed to find answers is also established.

As college students end up extra accustomed to running with numbers, then it will become easier to supplied instances tests. However, if they have now not learned the principles, it’s far advisable to stay away from this approach because it handiest serves to worsen the students without turning in any consequences. At this point, it’s far critical to state that instructors must now not use any manipulative strategies to teach college students. Rather, they ought to consciousness on coaching them a way to think and reason in a mathematical manner. The maximum critical manner of ensuring that intellectual maths idea is frequent and ingrained in college students is through incorporating it into the day by day software.

Also, note that in mental maths, it isn’t so much approximately the duration of the exercising as it’s miles approximately the frequency of wearing it out. Constant practice is what brings out the excellent in college students.

Brown Rice and Brownie Points for Health

  When you notice a weight-conscious individual or a diabetic turning away reluctantly from a ladle of rice, you can not assist but sigh with sympathy. After all, rice has the unlucky popularity of being on the opposite side of health.

However, modern life and advanced statistics about food classes, sourcing, processing, and distribution have enabled us to make smarter and now not-so-tougher choices.

Take the case of brown rice

When you save for a reliably-natural and fitness-oriented brown rice, you make an informed choice approximately going for something that works higher than different rice forms for its range of factors. It has a lower glycemic index than many others first of all, which makes it a higher choice for the ones involved with glucose and carbohydrate ranges.

Since brown rice is commonly made from each the bran and germ at the side of the endosperm part of the grain, its fiber factor and therefore the fitness gain goes up a notch. Its nutrients value is higher and being a gradual carb or a complicated carbohydrate lets in it to make sure that when you consume it the sugar stages will now not spike without delay.

It is likewise a tremendously slowly-digestible shape of rice, so it helps with different fitness concerns. The presence of good enough fiber, as well as minerals like magnesium, selenium, manganese, assigns many other fitness factors to this class. When it’s far hand-pounded, like inside the case of Sona ma Suri raw rice, the richness and organic impact rise manifold. Other rice paperwork come from rice generators and for this reason, their chemical factor is better for apparent reasons.

It is encouraging to see developing adoption of each natural brown and Sona ma Suri white rice within the culinary communities of India. The ease with which a various range of arrangements may be also be made, makes it stand similarly high on taste because it does at the health plank. Because of its processing specifics, and organic growth, the vitamins are kept intact in a richer and a greater absorbable shape. The presence of LDL cholesterol and Trans fat is also considerably low in this organization. Further, the distinction in expenses when one compares the medium/brief grain variety to a basmati range makes for an additional thing for this desire.

[thestrugglezxcs-blog]

WEEK 13

It’s a new week again, pretty worried because we are still kinda stuck with no ideas and our progress is stagnant. Started off with explaining the candle idea to huei hoon on monday!

Huei’s Consultation

Can go a little deeper on what’s depression.

You all need a little more content in it.

(Root cause) You all explained what it is not but didn’t explain what it is.

Give reasons on why depression is different from sadness, how do you tell them apart.

Explanation largely ok. (for presentation)

Idea not very strong and not very original

The connections inside need to be stronger

Needs to be very real

Not unusual enough

Not strong enough to make a strong communication project

Why candle? what does it represent?

Small flame= little energy

Flame= hope, cannot see the future is bright

People will assume if we don't explain our intention properly

Why hexagon?

Every shape, form u choose has a meaning

Use compressed foam board? Don’t use wood.

Sculpt the foam board then paint then wax on the surface

A little straightforward

How to make the person look in and see themselves in depression mode on the mirror?

Ended our morning consultation and we thought a little about the form so,

Reason why we used a hexagon is because because: people with depression tries their best to meet the requirements of those without. So with all these negative words, it shapes the depressed causing them to be affected, being unable to reach these goals, hence close to breaking down.

In the afternoon, we had another consultation with Huei,

Hot glue more durable than wax

Hollow

Calculate how many boxes you all need

Whole thing doesnt need to be wax

So it can be lighter.

Pendant put on the wax.

AAAAHHHH more to go!!!! Jiayou us. Luke didn’t have any lessons on Tuesday so it was pure consultation!

Luke’s consultation

Do something that people think is normal, but when depression people look at it, it doesnt feel normal to them.Thus make them go forward.

Differentiate normal people and mental illness

Can play with optical illusion

Take a big panel and make it look 3d, outline it with luminous light

So when they look in will be second third plane.

Something to show there’s a “hole” inside

During Alfred’s lesson, we learnt to use Adobe Animate although Joy has learnt it before, she’s still slightly struggling with it’s coding and Xin Yi is also trying hard learning it.

We consulted Alfred after and these are what he said:

Make a smaller hole, if not everyone can see everything inside from far.

How are you gonna show a static fake flame?

Try to light a candle and see the flame and melted wax

Observe how the wax forms and how much wax there is.

If you want to make a candle shape, make it look legit

Now it looks like scooby doo ghost.

How to make the wax?

Symbol of candle?

Sign of ending life?

It is not a sign of strength

Need a stronger symbolism

Do a form that is so normal that we will not take a second look

Candle- lifespan

Bubble wrap- security

Where’s the empathy?

Where’s the call to action?

Didn’t really follow your objective

Where’s the part that’s gonna be fatal if left untreated?

How do you show depression if left untreated it becomes fatal?

Something thats ordinary, plain,

Requires a kind of like timer- at the end of this if somethings is not done then POOF

HOW IS THAT EMPATHY when u just look inside?

Not addressing empathy and show consequence.

Address objective or change it.

Fatal or empathy?

Felt really lost after consultation with Alfred...because we are drifting far away from our objective omg.

So we have to keep reminding ourselves of our objective!!!!!

To help people empathise and overcome depression; if left untreated it becomes fatal.

we thought of a few ideas on how we could reach the objective

1. Using back the idea of a never ending tunnel, we replace the words or quotes with daily diary entries of real people with depression till the last suicidal diary entry.

2. Combining the images with words together. Taking inspiration from Olivia Penpraze’s video documentation on her journey with depression till suicide.

3. Taking inspiration from here https://www.blurtitout.org/2012/07/02/diary-of-depression/ Images attatched to each diary entry shows his exterior normality going through depression. But his diary entries write things like:

4. Exterior: A diary that shows a fine person

5. “diary” on a stand. Users read the diary till the end to see a hole in the diary. Users then peek in to see the never ending book

6. Is it possible to use projectors instead of a never ending tunnel

So previously we screwed up our interim, and we met Huei on Wednesday for some feedback for it.

Experimentation started late, so not much development

3 areas we need improve: deck and presentation, development

Have to allow the exterior lecturer to understand better. Using the deck and the way we present. Need facts and figures to allow the listener to understand and see how we used our insights to get our objective and how we ideates.

It’s all about communication. It’s a deliverable part of a campaign.be effective to the client

Not enough testing to show that it’s an experimental project: techniques and concept

Dont throw in the whole paragraph into the slides, use keywords

Explain why we used people without depression

3 CONCEPTS: throw in sketches because they under process

Experimental not enough cos only got 1?

Experimentation hard to make out what we tryna achieve

Experimentation: how much light we need? Bright or dim? Placement of lights?

Incorporate points of research with survey

Planning is impt when planning slides.

What can i do if i think my neighbour have depression?

Photography is techniques?

How you know people will walk up to it?

Concept not super persuasive yet, and it’s a very normal idea

Try to incorporate interesting use of media: can it be something different? But it’s smth different?

Can it enable modern technology? Smth more interesting?

Interactive part depends on what the client wants to achieve, which is the user’s take away.

Can check out exhibition at STPI

Landing site connected to QR code of people telling their stories or those relatives telling their stories (realistic)

On that same day, we felt very behind time and we consulted David on our very little progress:

Diary idea,

Going inside - who will read

Too wordy

Visually passive

No shocking element, feels very far

They won’t feel scared

Need element that makes it scary

self -pity moment

They dont want self-pity from a stranger, but they rather tell you things, because they are close to you

They are fearful that you will look into their inside

They are not as opened to strangers: there is a layer of “don’t come and touch me”

Notes hidden by a weariness to share.

Selective sharing

Users should feel like they have intruded somebody’s privacy

Feels like they doing something wrong but they feel wow

Eg: go inside, full of eyes, what do you feel? Watchful of disclosing secrets. Sublime

Weary eyes, with small notes beside it (consider the ring-jap)

Sublime then makes them want to look on.

Hidden notes, secrets (scarce)

Curiosity kills the cat cfm will look in

“I dont rly disclose my depression to other”

If it’s plain? Expressionless? Eyes outside but closed?

Two eyelids - peaceful

Makes them want to question themselves

Sound - crying/talk

Interaction is visual

Secrets hidden very well. Explore with people sticking their head in.

Outside looks peaceful and normal, but the shocking thing is that we all didn’t know that they have depression.

So the depression images will be the background.

One line of the notes can do

Some disclose some “dw to let u know”

So how is this depression?

Maybe it could be a note “they won’t really tell you, till you are willing to be understanding”

But people may look at your notes first before they put their head in

How obvious shld the notes be?

Could be white post its around so they look like scales

Don’t do eyes for exterior so there can be the element of surprise

If it’s a pendant, how will they know that they can take it?

Put inside hole?

Or smth like a cocoon

Eyebags? Put the giveaway inside?

Connection between the whole thing is most important

WE HAVE HOPE AGAIN!!!!!! So excited to carry on after hearing what David said!!! And we came up with a list of stuff we can do for now.

Areas for experimentations:

test a wall of eyes, how will people react

Those with depression and how they will react differently with friends and strangers

Best way to create the most realistic and weary eyes

Best way to create a pendant: hot glue? Resin? Plastic? Shape?

More on photography, show more experiments of techniques

Test sounds on people

MIRRRRORRRR

If people will stick their heads in

Shape?

Butterfly? To represent freedom, taking a butterfly token home represents taking a baggage off?

Teardrop? To represent the tears they have shed will not be taken as a call for attention? Can put in eyebags also

Drug? Pills? Addition to the want to kill themselves?

Heart?

Bones?

Gun bullets?

Lego brick? Or puzzle? Part and parcel of their depression journey?

What if it’s a drug capsule? If the user throws it into the water the capsule dissolves, a note comes out or a message comes out?

EXTERIOR

Sheer cloth over the 2 eyes

Still hexagon?

Cylinder?

Plain w two eyes and eyebags

If teardrop, hang on eyelash?

BIGGG EYE WITH EYELASH

Peace sign twistttt

The exterior with the net

SOUND

Nobody understands me

Why are you looking at me like that?

Dont ask me anything

Im not telling u anything

Ahhh im fine dont worry

Just leave me alone

GET OUT OF HERE

*cries* why am i such a burden

Im so unworthy for anyone

The world would be much better without me

Some of what they are really thinking and some of them saying stuff they pushes people away

Went to check out STPI on Thursday!

Didn’t really get much inspiration, but it’s okay!

TGIF!! it’s another day of consultation

DAVID’S CONSULTATION

What do you want to achieve of your experiment?

Social experiment of eyes- the location determine the results

Can see from afar or out of a sudden?

Put in toilet?

Alternatives,

Individual or a group of people

Designers-right brain

Engineers-left brain

Test people of different schools

Exterior, need something to pull it etc to create the form we want

Mosquito net- drapes down but we need something to pin down

It won't flow by itself

What does the teardrop and her means?

Looks very sweet

Have u experiment if 1m is a good size?

Closed eyes- fine but like having anxiety, sweating

Remove her sweat, CTA (pendant)

Flowchart like how we will react or how others will react, if they walk away, will they get the message?

If flow chart has a lot of “walk away” then you have to change the thing that connects to the “walk away”.

What if you make the eyes outside open and close slowly

Need to have a spotlight since our artefact is being draped

Echo and reverberations are diff

Reverberations are like sounds you make in the toilet. The sounds bounce against the walls

Read up or listen to reverberations, sounds similar to echo, but it’s the bouncing actions that makes you feel like there’s echo

Heartbreak hotel song by elvis Presley. The echo feels very near, the sounds bounces a lot.

Experiment 1: We printed many eyes and stick them behind toilet doors to see people’s reaction mainly people from SD

we’ve got quite good response! Most of them felt uncomfortable or scared (yes! Our objectives). Only 3 out of 15 thought it was pretty funny because it was in SD, it’s not a rare sight to see weird things.. hmm maybe it’s time to change some locations.

So things we need to do this coming week:

Sound

weekly reflections

consultation sheets

form with stockings

resin pendant

Best way to create the most realistic and weary 3D eyes

test audio with underpass

more testings on the eyes (guys)

hot glue pendant

test if people will stick their heads in a hole

Glad we didn’t give up and were able to think of ideas together as a team. There’s not much time left, let’s hope we can finish experimenting by this week and start building it by the following week!