#(BUT IM NOT EVEN SURE ABOUT LOREN WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME??) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

arjaandsimoni · 1 year

Text

Memories of Loss

Content Warning: This story has a depiction of tragic loss and the mourning thereof. Reader discretion is advised.

Covington Kentucky, the day after the death of Roger Fullmoon

After Stephy and Tex returned from the Nightside, explained to Tara where they’d gone and what they’d done, then re-explained it with ‘yes, that’s a thing’ interjected several times, and such… a new problem had arisen.

Roger Fullmoon was a very very very terrible father, but he was Stephy’s father, that is to say: Legal Guardian. Now both Stephy’s parents were dead, he was an orphan… and as soon as child services realized that they could claim him without having to fear that Roger would beat them black and blue for daring to exist in his presence for longer than five seconds, they would come for Stephy.

Stephy fidgeted at the kitchen table in Tara’s house as Tex sat next to him, Tara across the table as the boy whimpered. They were letting Loren crash on the couch for now, they kind of owed it to her after she’d kept Roger distracted while they made their escape.

“What am I gonna do?” whimpered Stephy, clinging to Tex. “I mean, I’m glad he’s gone, thank GODS he’s gone… but…”

Tex nodded, “Yeah, those foster care parents tend ta be religious kooks, Ya'll wind up right back where ya started...” grumbled Tex, the boy putting his arm tight around his effeminate… boyfriend? Girlfriend? Stephy was still undecided.

Tara sighed, “If it were up ta me I’d just take you in ‘n be done with it. Lord knows you’re practically part of our lil’ family now darlin’…” she frowned, “But I’d have ta enroll in th’ foster care system ‘n get approved ‘n even then…” she tapped her fingers on the table, looking concerned.

As they sat there a knock came to the door and Tara got up to answer it. Standing outside were Nelen and Dawn, the former holding a large paper bag in one arm. “Hey guys, came by with some stuff to help speed up Loren’s recovery.” he nodded, walking in and dropping it down next to her with a loud metallic clatter. “Lesse… some brimstone biscuits to speed up metabolism so you get back all the blood you lost, a topical ointment of ogre bones and hedge fruit for those scrapes he gave you, a potion containing boiled mandrake root and…” he started, emptying them out onto the coffee table.

Loren looked at them, then at him, “… no.” she grunted.

“Loren, don’t be a stubborn little shit about this. You’re a mess. If you were a mundane you’d be dead after a beating like that.” sighed Nelen, rolling his eyes.

“Aye, ah getcha cous, but… well… yer cookin’ sucks. It always tastes like shite.” grumbled the injured Fullmoon in response.

“Loren, its brimstone and boiled mandrake root. I don’t care HOW you brew it, its going to taste like shit.” frowned the warlock.

“Well yer’s tastes extra shite cous.” smirked Loren tiredly.

Nelen sighed, “I bet you were a whiny little crap when your parents took you to get booster shots as a kid too.” he grumbled, rolling his eyes. “Tara, you’re a mom. Make sure she takes these. She’ll be on her feet in three days if she does.”

Tara nodded, “I’ll do what I can Nelen, but we got another problem… Stephy’s an orphan now, ‘n Child Services is eventually gonna realize his dad ain’t gonna stomp ‘em if they try to come for ‘im.” she sighed, “Woulda been an improvement by default afore, but…”

Nelen paused, “Ah yeah, shit… he’s got a one in three chance of psychotic bible thumpers, sex offenders, or vampires.” he frowned, tapping his chin.

“… vampires?” asked Tara, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Well, their ghouls. They pose as the parents.” explained Nelen, “Whole system is totally corrupt. Next of kin is out too. That’d be my mom, his aunt, but if you think my lunatic granddad doesn’t have her under surveillance after all this…” he frowned. It had been under Franklin’s orders that the nature of boys like Stephy in the clan be hidden. What Roger did to his son may well have been with Franklin’s blessing.

Tara decided it was best not to ask, “I mean I’d just adopt the lil’ feller if I could, but I ain’t even registered..." she sighed.

Nelen blinked, “Oh, you’ll take him in if you could?” he asked, standing up.

Tara nodded firmly, “Of course! Poor dear has been through Hell ‘n back and Tex is nuts about him, nevermind what they did for mah boy last night in that weird… alternate… whatever London place! I’d do it in a heartbeat if I could legally!”

Nelen thought on that, “… how about… legal-ish?” he asked.

Tara hesitated, “Beg pardon?” she asked.

Nelen thought some more, “Actually, forget I said that. Plausible deniability is a good idea. Just hang out here for a sec, I got a few calls to make.” he nodded, taking out his phone, “Back in… eh, gimme thirty.” he said, walking out into her front yard, and dialing a number. Tara caught, “Hey, its Nelen! Hang up and I squeal like a pig! Remember a few years back when I found you-know-who doing you-know-what with that one circle in the forest where you-don’t-know-what-but-you’re-happier-that-way was? Calling in a favor…” before the door shut.

She looked at Dawn, who shrugged, “Its technical crap, only time he involves me is when paperwork needs to get ‘lost’ and, lets be honest, we both prefer it that way. Got any fish?” she grinned.

Tara blinked slowly, then walked back into the kitchen. “So, um, Nelen may have something that can sort that situation out for ya’ll Stephy… or possibly get us investigated by the FBI…” she chuckled, “… I really hope I’m jokin’ there.” she added. The last twenty-four hours had been quite the experience.

About half an hour later, just long enough to fix everyone lunch, Tara heard a car pull up and a knock on the door. Nelen walked in with a rather disgruntled looking man in a suit and tie. “Tara-Jane Smith?” he asked, looking at her.

“Er, yes? How can I help ya’ll?” she asked.

He shook her hand rather abruptly. “Thomas Stapleton, Center for Children and Families.” he nodded, taking a clipboard out of his briefcase, and holding it out to her, a pen already on it. Filled in on it was Stephy’s information, the gender being marked down as just an X, and under it was Tara’s information as well. “Sign here, and here, and initial here, and sign here, please.” he said.

She looked it over, then did so, and he took it back, put it away, then shook her hand. “Congratulations on the new addition to your family Miss Smith. May you and ‘Stephy’ have many happy years as mother and… gender undeclared child.” he said in a rather stressed tone, then turned to leave and looked at Nelen as he went. “This makes us even, Fullmoon.” he snapped.

Nelen just grinned and said, “Sandra Eastwood.”

The man gave him a thunderous look, then stomped out.

Tara looked at the retreating man in confusion, then glanced at Nelen, “Sandra Ea-…” she started.

Nelen held up a hand and cut her off, “Plausible deniability.” he nodded firmly.

Tara glanced at where the man left and she swore she heard him yell, “HE KNEW ABOUT HER TOO! WHAT THE FUCK!” as he drove away. She shrugged, then went back to the kitchen and sat down.

“Well, Stephy, I suppose that this is your new home now!” she chuckled. “I mean, I know you and Tex went to all the work of fixing up that old hidey-hole in town and all, but we can move that stuff here and you can bunk down with Tex.”

Stephy's eyes went wide, then looked at Nelen. “Did you seriously pull that blackmail you had on that guy from Child Services?” he asked.

Nelen put a finger to his lips. “Plausible. De. Ni. A. Bil. Ity.” he said very firmly.

Stephy grinned and hugged Tex tightly at that, the boy letting out a little squeal.

Nelen snapped his fingers, “Oh hey, one thing you do need to do though Stephy…” he nodded.

The boy looked up at him curiously, tilting his head. “Whats that?” he asked.

Nelen sighed, “Well, look, I get that you may not want to go back there, but now that Roger is gone you do realize your old house is gonna likely be torn down right? So if there’s anything in it you want, well… its now or never.” he nodded.

Stephy paused at that, “Crap, you’re right… yeah, okay, there’s a few things…” he nodded.

Ten minutes later, the former home of Roger Fullmoon

The door swung inwards, Tex making a face as he looked inside. “EUGH! What in tarnation is that smell?!” he asked.

“Once upon a time it was leftover pizza from Dominos. Now it’s a colony.” replied Stephy.

Tex looked at him, “A colony of what?” asked the Texan boy as he followed Stephy in.

“… best just leave it at ‘a colony.’” he replied. He’d gone with a knee length skirt and cotton tank top for this one, but with a pair of knee-high boots too. He didn’t want to wear something nice here, this place didn’t deserve it.

They passed Roger’s couch, which would forever have a depression of him sitting in it, and three massive mountains of beer bottles. As they passed the bathroom Tex made another face, looked inside, then quickly closed the door and tried to force his bile back down. “GUHGH! What…” he gasped.

“Tex, sweetie, if you ask I’ll have to tell you.” replied Stephy, giving him an awkward smile.

“But… how’d ya’ll shower in that?!” he asked, his face a bit green. He’d swear whatever he saw in there waved at him… and maybe blinked…

“I didn’t. Nelen talked a few escaped changelings who lived at a local homeless shelter into sneaking me in twice a week to use their’s.” he nodded, heading up the stairs and opening the door to his former room. “Here we are… home sweet home.” he smirked sarcastically.

Tex looked inside, then felt his heart ache a bit. Totally barren and empty, with just a tattered old quilt on a bare mattress, a single lamp with a naked lightbulb, and some spare clothes piled in the corner. No decorations, no toys, no nothing. “… darlin’, everything I see here makes me less and less sorry he’s gone.” he sighed as Stephy gathered up the blanket in his arms and bundled it up.

“Its okay… I’m kinda numb to it now…” he replied. “Just… yanno… it helps knowing that this really is the end of it. That I won’t ever come back here again…” he shook his head, taking off his glasses and wiping his eyes a bit. “Just… mn…” he nodded, then paused at the hallway.

He looked up the way to Roger’s old bedroom. He’d never used it after his wife had died, opting instead to sleep on the couch. “Hm… that’s his old room. Maybe there’s something the Clan sent him that we can use somehow…” he muttered, walking towards it and opening up the door.

Besides a thick layer of dust on everything the room was totally spotless. A large king-sized bed, a vanity table, a dresser, and a smaller second dresser. Stephy walked in and looked around as Tex followed him, the boy finding a framed photograph on the dresser as he walked past it.

He picked it up and wiped the dust off carefully, then said, “Hey Stephy, was this your mom?” he asked.

Stephy paused, looking back behind him, “What?” he walked over, then picked up the photo and looked at it.

The picture showed a woman in her early 20s with long dark hair holding a small bundle in her arms, a tiny pair of eyes peeking out at the camera. “… yeah… that’s her…” he muttered… then pushed some of the dust off the rest… and his expression became ugly.

Standing next to her was Roger Fullmoon. Younger, looking a bit awkward and smiling as if he wasn’t comfortable doing so, but unmistakably the man Drusilla had torn limb from limb the other night.

“… I want this picture, but not ALL of it.” he huffed, opening the frame and pulling the back out… then freezing.

There was a sealed envelope in the back with ‘For Stephen’ written on it.

“Whats this?” he muttered, putting the quilt down and taking it, then opening it up.

He felt a chill go along his spine as he did.

Steve,

I’m in the hospital, the doctors say that the pneumonia has progressed too far and I’m beyond saving. By the time you learn to read this, I’ll already be gone.

I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I won’t be there for your first day of school, or to see you grow up, or to watch you help your family protect everyone from all those things that are out there.

I know your father is hard to be around, but his own father forced him to become that way. He was kinder when I met him, but I think all the years and all the madness your grandfather put in his head broke something. Ever since we married, he’s been under so much pressure to produce a heir with me that its all our marriage means to him now. I think he forgot how to love.

I tried my best to protect you and I wish I could keep doing it, but I’m not going to be here much longer. I’m going to ask your father to hang onto this letter for me and give it to you when you’re ready. I hope he still remembers enough of what we had to do that.

Be brave, my little boy… my darling son. I love you so much. I wish I could see the person you will grow to be someday.

Goodbye,

Mom

Stephy’s eyes worked over it, his hands shaking by the end. Tex standing behind him. “Oh darlin’… I…” he went to hug him, but Stephy shook free.

“I… I need to get outside… I’m sorry… I… I need some air…” he gasped, then he ran out of the room and down the stairs.

Tex started, then grabbed the quilt, photograph, and letter ran out the front door, looking around, “Stephy?! Darlin’ where’d ya’ll go?!” he called out. He carried the things to Tara’s car, the woman looking up from her phone.

“Tex? What’s wrong?” she asked, looking concerned as she put down her game of Candy Crush.

“Mom, Stephy found somethin’ from his mother ‘n he ran off after he read it. Did he come out the front?” he asked.

She shook her head, “I didn’t see anyone go past…” she replied, frowning as she got out of the truck… “He’s been through a hell of a lot the past couple days… I hope he doesn’t do anythin’ crazy…” she muttered.

Tex looked around, seeing the woods near the house. “I’m gonna go check out there, maybe he’s hidin’ out in the trees or somethin’.” he nodded, running off towards the tree line.

The Woods Nearby

Stephy sat on a stump out in the woods, the boy’s chest heaving as tears rolled down his cheek. He thought he could handle it, he thought after Roger was gone he’d be fine… but that letter had been too much. His mother’s last farewell, probably forgotten by Roger after he’d abandoned his only remaining family to his own madness.

As he sat there he became aware of another person nearby.

“Damn, you look like your heart just got smashed to pieces. You okay?” came a voice.

Stephy shook his head, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes, “No…” he replied miserably.

The person held out something to him, it looked like some kind of candy. “Here, it isn’t much, but every bit helps right?” they said.

Stephy took it, then slipped it into their mouth. It was sweet and creamy with a hint of mint and something he couldn’t quite place. “T-thanks… sorry, just… cleaning out my old house and found something I didn’t expect…” he mumbled.

“It happens…” chuckled the newcomer, “Whats your name?” they asked.

“S-stephy… Stephy, um, Smith.” he replied. He was adopted now after all, it basically was his name right?

“Stephy… my name is Sam… Prince Samuel of the Icebound Heart…” he chuckled as the scent of frost teased over the boy’s nose.

Stephy froze on the spot, his eyes going huge as he looked up into a smiling face, with pure icy blue eyes and pointed ears. “… oh… shit…” he whispered.

The boy was dressed in a silvery loose tunic-style top and long black pants made from some leather, but not one that ever came from any earthly animal. He had a pair of high heeled boots on as well, and his lips and fingernails were painted a glossy pale blue. “I could smell your sorrow all the way from the Hedge…” whispered Samuel, “… and you took my little treat willingly. You know what that means?”

Stephy whimpered, trying to scoot away as the boy grinned and crooked a finger… and he suddenly found he couldn’t move his arms or legs anymore.

“You’re MINE.” he giggled maliciously.

Tex ran through the woods, calling out, “Stephy?! Darlin’ where’d ya’ll run off to?! C’mon! Say something!” he called out, looking around frantically… and then he sniffed, “Huh? Whats that?” before shivering all over, “BRRGH! Where’d THAT come from? Its freakin’ July!”

And then he heard something moving nearby.

He pushed through the trees, and his eyes went wide.

Stephy was there, being pulled along by another boy with hair like spun gold and long pointed ears, his eyes like two sapphires shoved into eyesockets… and Tex had a flashback of a little girl with roses in her hair and jet black eyes.

“Oh shit! HEY! LET ‘EM GO!” he shouted, bursting free of the underbrush.

The fae boy looked over, then smirked, “Oho? A hero come to rescue the princess? How amusing!” he chuckled, then snapped his fingers. There was a swirl of frost and Tex suddenly felt his legs shoot out from under him, the boy landing flat on his back and sliding along into another tree with a loud crash! The faerie had frozen the ground under him!

He winced, struggling upright as Stephy was pulled along, bound in chains of ice as he looked back at Tex, his eyes huge and fearful! He tried to call out, but his face looked strange… and that was when Tex realized his lips were frozen shut!

The boy was leading him towards an arch in the trees, and the forest through it looked wrong… all strange angles and sharp thorns… “MMPGH! TTTTUUUTTTH!” screamed Stephy as he was dragged away. His lips were sealed, he couldn’t make any wind like that!

“SHIT! Hang on!” he shouted, trying to get off the icy patch, but it was totally frictionless! All he could do was scramble on it as the fae boy laughed in amusement.

“Is that the BEST you can do?” he tutted, “Not going to be saving anyone like that young man. If you do manage to get in however… well… I’ll leave the gate open for five minutes after we pass through. Maybe you’ll find him, maybe not… May fate favor you, cowboy.” he blew him a kiss, then pulled on Stephy’s chains HARD. The boy shrieked and stumbled, following him into the gateway… and then they were gone.

“NO!” screamed Tex, grabbing a tree and pulling himself clear of the ice, then scrambling to his feet before bolting for the Hedge Gate. He should call for help, he should call Nelen and the others, but they’d take too long to get there!

They took Stephy, they took that poor little confused kid who was just starting to figure himself out, who was finally free of his abusive father, who had even helped Tex get the body he’d dreamed of having for years…

“HANG ON DARLIN’! I’M COMING!” he called out as he dove through… the gate snapping shut behind him!

#supernatural adventures #modern fantasy #fiction #lgbtq #faeries

0 notes

ncssian · 4 years

Text

A Favor: Part Eleven

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: first chapter after acosf!! im sorry for how short this one is, but acosf wrecked me and writing this put me back together. i hope it does something similar for you ❤️

***

“You say you’ve been doing better lately?”

The therapist’s office is plain, a little gloomy, but big windows overlook the center of town that make Nesta feel less suffocated.

She nods, “Yeah.”

“How would you describe ‘better’?” Dr. Bond— Lana, she insists on being called— has been endlessly patient with Nesta’s non-answers so far. Nesta almost feels bad and decides to throw the woman a rope.

“I’m not alone anymore,” she says. “I used to be alone all the time, but now I have friends, sort of… and a boyfriend.” She still loves that word. It’s never tasted so exciting before.

“You were always alone before this, then? Or were there just people that you didn’t consider noteworthy?”

A scowl rises to Nesta’s mouth. Damn, she works quick. “I was raised with two sisters in a one-bedroom apartment. I never got to be alone, but then I grew up, and…” Her mind wants to skip over the time she spent in college. “For the last couple of years, I holed up in my own place. Never wanted to talk to anybody or see them. If people took an interest in me, I shut them down because I didn’t have an interest in them.”

“You missed a few years,” Lana notes.

“What?”

“You’re twenty-four, and you moved out at eighteen. Where were you before getting your own place?”

Numbness seeps through Nesta at the question. She knows she can ask Lana to change the topic, but that will only bring it back later. “I had a boyfriend in college,” she says flatly. “I lived with him for a few years, but like you said, it isn’t noteworthy.”

“As a fellow lone wolf, I disagree.” Lana’s clinical polite face is unchanging. “Any person who you trust enough to let into your life is noteworthy.”

Nesta says nothing.

“I’m interested in these people you’ve chosen to trust,” her therapist continues after a beat of silence. “Why don’t we start with whoever you trust most?”

Nesta snorts. This she can talk about.

“His name is Cassian. I’ve been living with him ever since my apartment got flooded a couple of months ago, and he’s always been a good friend to me.” She sits there, thinking about what else to say. “I think I like him more than I’ve ever liked anybody.”

“This is the new boyfriend?”

Nesta nods.

“Do you compare him to the old one?”

Nesta doesn’t know what this lady’s angle is, but she answers carefully, “I used to. Back when I first moved in. I haven’t done it in a long time, though.”

“Why not?”

The answer is simple. “There’s no need to. He’s not comparable to anybody.”

“Is that why you opened up to him after two years of self-imposed isolation?”

Nesta looks away. “It wasn’t isolation,” she defends. “It’s just… after a lifetime of being subjected to the gaze of strangers, I wanted to hide. I liked hiding.” Mostly.

“What does that mean, the gaze of strangers?”

Question after cool question, this one. Nesta struggles to find a proper answer.

“You know how,” she starts slowly, “as soon as you start school, you’re placed into this bubble with a bunch of people who don’t know you and have no reason to care about you? There’s a shift in how you view people, and how people view you. And I thought I could leave it behind once I graduated high school, but it followed me to college and to parties and into everyday interactions.”

“What is it?”

“It’s this—” Nesta waves her hands, “judgment. It’s that thing you do as soon as you meet someone, and you try to determine whether they’re worth your time or not. Whether they’re above or below you in this made-up social hierarchy in your head.”

“Explain that more,” Lana says.

“We want to hang around people we find cool. And when we meet someone new, we inspect them, look them up and down, to see if they fit our definition of cool. We take them apart. Everyone does it, even you. And with me,” she shrugs, “I’m pretty, I wear the right clothes, I do my makeup. So at first glance, people think, ‘Oh, I can see myself getting to know her better. I can see myself liking her.’ But then they take a closer look at me, and it’s like…” Her fingers flutter in the air, trying to support her thoughts. “I can see their minds changing. ‘Nevermind, I was wrong. Nevermind, there’s something off with her. She’s a little quiet, a little weird, a little bitchy.’”

Lana narrows her eyes. “And Cassian doesn’t look at you like that?”

Nesta looks away. “He doesn’t look at anyone like that.”

It’s what used to make her so uncomfortable about him. She was incapable of fathoming his honesty, his genuineness, his kindness. She thought he was even weirder than her for it— she placed him beneath her on her social hierarchy for it.

Lana frowns thoughtfully. “And now you two live together?”

Nesta nods, then shrugs. “For the next twenty-four hours, we do. He’s helping me move back into my old place.”

Because that was another conversation she and Cassian had on Thanksgiving night. It was a long time coming, but also the perfect time.

“You’re saying your apartment has been ready for weeks? Why are you just telling me now?”

Nesta pillowed her face on his chest, not as upset at revealing the news as she would have been some days ago. “Because I was scared that if I moved out, I would lose my friendship with you.”

“That never would have happened—”

“We wouldn’t see each other every day anymore. Even if we didn’t go back to being complete strangers, the closeness would be lost.”

“You must not know me, then. I would’ve texted you every fucking hour. You’d never hear the end of me.”

“I couldn’t guarantee that back then.” She looked up at him through her lashes. “I can now.” She crawled higher up his body, lowering her voice to a secretive pitch. “Want to know why?”

“Why?” he whispered.

“Because you’re mine now. And that’s what I was waiting for while I made Lorene hold that shitty empty apartment for me. I was waiting for a catalyst, a revelation.” She pressed a kiss to his sternum. “And I most definitely got it.” The pleasant ache between her legs was proof enough. “Also,” she added, “it would be weird if you lived with your girlfriend before even having a first date with her.”

Cassian huffed a laugh. “You have a point there. We have been moving backwards, haven’t we?”

Nesta nodded into his skin.

He got a little quiet. “Still,” he said after a moment. “I’ll miss you.”

“You’ll see me every day. I’ll be fifteen minutes away.”

“I’ll still miss you.”

“I know.”

“What does talking about guys have to do with my therapy?” Nesta squirms, getting restless with the topic.

“Lots of things,” Lana says, putting down her notepad. “It gets you comfortable with expressing your feelings to me, and it teaches me about how you view the world. Besides, therapy isn’t just a rehashing of past traumas, you know. We can talk about whatever you want here, especially if it makes you feel good.”

“Well, I want to talk about something else.” She’s not spending this much money by the hour just to talk about how much she likes Cassian— she can go to Cassian for that for free.

“Like what?” Lana asks smoothly.

She’s offering an opening, finally, to the real reason that Nesta’s here.

Nesta pulls at the sleeves of her sweatshirt, wondering where to start. “I feel like I’ve been growing up lately,” she says carefully. “I have all these new people in my life to be responsible for, and I’m— I want to do it right. But I’m worried I won’t have room for new things until I pack up some of my old shit, so that’s why I’m here, I guess. I don’t want to hold on to all of my old shit anymore.”

At Lana’s encouraging silence, she continues, “I spent my whole life stuck in a suffocating town, and as soon as I left, I got stuck in a relationship. By the time I knew what freedom felt like, I— I’d been left behind. Everyone I knew was moving onto bigger things and all I had was this shitbag of a past. So I got a new place and started law school and called it a fresh start, but now I’m here and I’m not sure if I ever got better.”

She takes a sharp breath after everything that’s spilled.

Lana purses her lips, letting the room absorb Nesta’s words. After a long moment, she says, “Just because bad things stop happening to someone, doesn’t mean they instantly get better. It’s a good thing that you’re recognizing that before stepping into new relationships, Nesta.”

Lana glances at the clock on the wall. “I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today, but this was a productive first session.” She offers a small smile. “Same time next week?” She says it as if it isn’t already a done deal.

Nesta nods gratefully anyway, unable to say anything else. As soon as she’s out the door, a pent-up sigh escapes her. That wasn’t so bad.

***

Later that night, Nesta doesn’t miss Cassian’s wistful stare as he takes down the painting he got her from the fall festival. Nor does she miss how slowly he packs it away.

Once the bedroom she made her home is as sparse as the day she moved in, all her things packed away neatly in boxes, Nesta wraps her arms around Cassian and pulls him to the bed. There, she lets him hold her close, their breaths and limbs intertwining as they lie in thoughtful silence.

“I can’t believe I’ll never see this room again,” Nesta says quietly.

Cassian’s eyes widen in alarm. “What do you mean, never again?”

“I’ll be staying in your room whenever I visit, remember?” Her underwear already occupies a drawer in his closet.

Cassian visibly relaxes when he remembers, then smiles. “Right. Of course.”

She lets herself sink deeper into his embrace. “I just realized you’ve never seen my apartment before.” He was waiting at the front door of Lorene’s place while Nesta collected her things all those weeks ago, but she cringes at the thought of him visiting now. The clear wealth gap between her and Cassian doesn’t usually show, but it’ll be undeniable with the cramped room she calls an apartment. “Maybe it’s best if I move back in without your help. There might not even be space there for your huge body.”

“Sounds more appealing by the minute.” He’s not joking. He tilts up Nesta’s chin so she’s forced to meet his eyes. “I can’t wait to start partaking in your life the way you took over mine. Spending nights at your place, meeting your friends, riding in your car instead of mine.”

Nesta swallows.

“I’m gonna miss you like hell, but it’ll be for the best.”

He’s right: this is what’s best for their budding relationship right now. Moving out, creating even a little bit of distance— all of it is so they can finally learn each other as lovers instead of roommates. So when they do come back together, which Nesta firmly believes they will, it’ll be stronger than ever before.

Some of their shared sadness flits away at the truth of it. She only places her hand on his cheek, content to appreciate this view— this beautiful, hazel-shaded view— without further chitchat or goodbyes.

Cassian is not as fond of the silence. “I need to tell you something,” he says seriously after a few minutes.

After only a handful of days dating Cassian, Nesta knows what he’s going to say. “Don’t,” she warns, unamused.

He grins conspiratorially and leans in even closer, until their mouths are almost brushing. “You’re my everything, Nesta.”

“Oh my god, stop it.” She squirms out of his hold and gets up, tossing the blankets off herself.

“No, come back!” He makes a grab for her sleeve. “We have to use the bed one last time—”

But she’s already running off.

***

Cassian carefully arranges the canvas painting on the wall, taking a step back to determine if it’s hanging straight. The ruby and amber leaves of the landscape stand out against the dull teal walls of Nesta’s basement apartment, but he’s just getting started.

The rest of Nesta’s things are half-unpacked from their cardboard boxes, but instead of going for the important shit first, he finds the box he specifically marked FAVES in bold letters the night before.

While Nesta wrangles to get her clothes back into her old closet in the background, Cassian crouches and rips open the small box. There, lying atop his girlfriend’s favorite trinkets and personal items, is the framed photo he snuck in without her noticing.

It’s of the two of them at the fall festival, taken mere hours before their first kiss. Nesta is pressed up close to Cassian (her excuse being that it was cold), and a genuine light fills her eyes, one that Cassian never thought he’d be able to capture on camera. Cassian himself isn’t looking at the camera, but down at Nesta with wind-flushed cheeks and a distant smile. Making sure she’s having a good time, that she truly wants to be there with him in that moment.

He never realized how close they looked in that picture until he had it printed and framed, not long after Nesta announced she was moving out. He can’t believe he didn’t see it sooner.

Standing up, he places the photo on Nesta’s wooden dresser. Nesta still has her head in the closet, moving things around, but Cassian makes no announcement of his gift to her. She’ll notice it sooner or later.

He clears his throat. “Wanna take a break and order Chinese?”

Nesta pops her head out of the closet, her ponytail ruffled and eyes narrowed at him. “Have you even been helping this whole time?”

“Standing here and looking pretty is harder than it seems, but I don’t expect any credit from you,” he jokes. “Just let me buy you lunch.”

Nesta grumbles something he chooses not to hear, but straightens up and rubs her spine with a wince. “I need a fucking chiropractor,” she mutters.

Guilt shoots through Cassian at that small wince, and he resolves to finish organizing Nesta’s closet for her before the day is over. Nesta goes on, “So? Still determined to split your time between here and the cabin?” She gestures to the apartment with an arm.

It’s really just a glorified single room, with a rusty kitchenette in the corner, a hallway near the stairs that holds the bathroom, and Nesta’s bed pushed against one wall. It’s nothing special, but Cassian loves it. Mostly because he can already envision each new nook and cranny to take Nesta against, and how he wants to wake up in that too-small bed on days that he’s too lazy to drive home.

“It’s perfect,” he says simply. Thank you for sharing your home with me, is what he really means. Speaking of homes—

Cassian digs around in his pocket, finding and pulling out a newly-minted silver key. “I almost forgot to give you this.”

Nesta frowns, coming forward to take the key from him. He uses the closeness as an excuse to wrap his arms around her waist while she inspects the object.

She glances up at him, eyes softer than they were a moment ago, lips slightly parted. “You’re giving me a key to the cabin?”

He shrugs casually. “You should’ve gotten one a long time ago.” She used either Cassian’s key or the spare while she lived there.

Her mouth is still open, and she closes it once, twice, before finally saying, “I don’t have a key to my place for you.”

“But I can get one,” she adds quickly. “If you want it, that is.”

Of course he wants it, but he keeps his face carefully neutral. “Only if you want me to have one. We’re still new, and this is your personal space.” He emphasizes your.

Nesta purses her lips, then says, “I’ll think about it.”

Cassian’s shoulders slump in relief— relief that Nesta is being honest with him instead of doing something she isn’t yet ready for. He’ll take her honesty over an apartment key any day.

Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, he smiles brightly and shoves her toward the bed. “If we’re getting dumplings again then you can’t steal mine.”

***

a/n: fair warning that ive never been to therapy, but in stories therapists are usually a mode for character exploration and development, which is what nesta's therapy will be for.

also im so glad i got to meet gwyn in acosf and im so excited to introduce her into this fic too!! if you have ideas for her origin story feel free to share because nothing is planned yet

taglist: @ladywitchling @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson @swankii-art-teacher

#a favor #nesta archeron #nessian #cassian #nessian fic #ncssianwrites

197 notes · View notes

lorencourtier · 4 years

Text

Discord Thread II Loren, Jace, and Emily

Discord thread featuring: Loren and jace @jace-matthews and Emily @warmvlbes

Mentions: @malakhai-ozera @davieslandon @bensonnick

When: July 28th

Description: Loren, Jace and Emily all get into a fight after Lorens texts with Emily

Jace “do you know what’s funny? You and emily living under the same roof but texting each other. Cutest friendship ever.”

Loren. “It is funny. But I don’t wanna leave you.” He laughs

Jace “I’m sure it’s juicy whatever it is.”

Loren. “Oh, just Khai shit” he shrugged

Jace “because....he backed out of a chat after a couple exchanges about a food item?” He snickers rolling his eyes.

Loren. “Yeah... I don’t know. I thought it was funny”

Jace “guys are weird. Id know. I am one.”

Loren. “Yeah, I just don’t have the brain power to analyze Khai right now” he chuckled

Jace “who...does?” He laughed. “I haven’t even had the chance to speak to him really”

Loren. *so, I guess if you wanna move in with me. It’s gonna be at my old place. Thank god I still haven’t sold it yet”

Jace “I beg your pardon? No I’m not doing that.” “I like it here.”

Loren. “So then move in with Emily. I’m out.” He gets off the bed and starts grabbing shit from the closet to throw back into its box

Jace “can you explain to me what is going on?” “because y’all are literally in the same house. Don’t make me pull you both out into the common room and treat you both like my students that I mentor”

Loren. “I’m just done supporting her ass and then she turns around and calls me fake because I think their being intense and weird? Fuck that Jace. I don’t need this shit in my life. I’m sorry.”

Jace “Okay first of all: watch your tone with me. Second of all: if you felt that way, then maybe you should’ve told her that versus saying other things? Calling people is tense or weird isn’t nice. And you know how Khai is with emily. You can’t blame her for acting out. He’s literally done nothing but to prove he can’t be trusted. If I did that shit with you, how would you feel being called intense or weird? You’re her best friend loren. She’s always going to look to support you bc I’m sure if I fucked up, she wouldn’t be on my side. you don’t have the brain capacity for tonight, okay. But insulting them all together isn’t going to solve anything. It does come off a little left sided.”

Loren. “Okay, you know what. She should know damn well I love her. I get intense and weird myself and if I was being that way I wouldn’t be all shitty for being called out on it. Second off. I know how he’s been, fuck do I know, and if it were you I would have already left. I don’t do this drama shit, I don’t play, and I’m not about to be disrespected for speaking my mind. I always have her back, always. She knows this. I try to help her see the light in Khai because she loves him. I personally don’t like him. Anyway, I’m leaving. You can stay wirh her”

Jace “loren you’re staying and thats final.” He said raising a brow. “Im literally moving in with my boyfriend of 24 hours and she didn’t call us intense or weird. So she’s stronger than the average person but that doesn’t make her crazy. You hurt her feelings loren. And so she did it right back. Y’all just need to talk this out. But you’re not leaving and if you do, thennnn....I’m gonna take a step back because this can be easily solved and if you walk out on her for this, then I’d hate to see how you’d react for the first time we fight. running away solves nothing.” He shrugged. “So either get it together the both of you? Orrrrr Im out.”

Loren. “You’re kidding right? This isn’t our first fight, and if your out for that. Because she disrespect me. Then you know what? I’m sorry. I’m not gonna sit down and be a fake person and smile when all I do is be there for her. I say one thing she doesn’t like and I’m the bad person, and now you threaten to leave me because I don’t wanna deal with it? That hurts” he turns around and walks into the bathroom slamming the door

Jace “did she not feel disrespected by you too though...?” “EMILY GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW.”

Emily She walks in, standing in the door frame.

Jace he opens the bathroom door. “LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW. I’ve had enough with both of you. This is bullshit. OVER A BOY? REALLY? Y’all- it’s KHAI WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. he’s not perfect. You’re not perfect. pointing to em and you are not perfect pointing to loren. BUT DISRESPECTING EACH OTHER IS A LOW OF ALL LOWS. IT SOLVES NOTHING”

Loren. He comes out of the bathroom and pushes past them both. “Figure your shit out. I’m done” he said to Emily. Turning to jace after. “You wanna leave me over this? Fine. Do what you want. I’m leaving” he walks toward the front door

Jace “Loren if you walk out that god damn door, I will know your love for me was not real and you are running from me just like you had to do with Landon. Pick and choose your battles right fucking now bc she is here and so am I. I am trying to help. and you literally aren’t even listening. You’re too busy trying to run.”

Loren. “I can’t believe you just said that to me. You can’t be serious”

Jace “you two need to talk. I don’t care if it doesn’t happen tonight but we’re not about to throw away this home over a boy. YOU can’t be serious. You’re running. Is it that easy for you to walk? I’m trying to help.”

Emily “I’m not going to be the reason y’all break up either.”

Loren. “I’m leaving because I’m obviously needing to cool off. But you want me to stay and keep fighting? You want me to be fake and say it’s all okay? Fine... it’s all okay baby. She didn’t disrespect me at all. Happy?”

Jace “did I fucking say THAT LOREN? NO I DIDNT.” “I JUST SAID TO TALK IT OUT”

Loren. “I DONT WANT TO! I tried and she just kept saying fuck me. So guess what! Fuck me!”

Emily “Loren wait*”

Loren. “I don’t wanna do this. I am not about to do this again. Just stop” he said dropping to the floor and holding his head

Emily “look i was fired up and said some things I didn’t mean. But you really did hurt my feelings...”

Loren. “Just stop”

Emily “stop what! I’m trying to apologize”

Loren. “I didn’t do a fucking thing wrong. And I can’t do this... i need to leave”

Emily “so my feelings are invalidated because it stung to hear you call me weird and intense? With someone you’re usually happy for me for?” “i mean if it means saving the friendship, I’ll just stop going to you about Khai. It’s not like I can talk with anyone else about him. So I’ll just leave the subject of him to deal with myself.” “because all people do is want to either try to insult him or tell me how I should do better. I’m just gonna...stop...talking about him”

Loren. “Well I’m sorry you don’t think it’s intense and weird to be off and on and constantly trying to one up each other. I don’t care what you do. I always support you, you know damn well I do. But YOU” he pointed to Jace. “Just broke my fucking heart.”

Jace “what the fuck did i do? You just tried to walk out on me for trying to help mend something?”

Loren. “I never said I was walking out on YOU”

Emily “Loren YOUVE always supported us so it was just weird to hear you say that...it felt out of no where. But I am sorry that I disrespected you. I just felt disrespected too.”

Loren. “But to throw Landon in my face? That hurt”

Jace “I’m not talking about this in front of emily.”

Loren. “Yeah. I’m just don’t with this whole conversation”

Jace “then go like you planned on doing.”

Loren. “I’m not going”

Emily “can we just light a joint or something? I don’t like us all fighting.”

Loren. “But I’m not about to ever be threatened like that again. Ever”

Jace “you tell me you love me every fucking day and you were ready to throw me in her by myself over some petty ass bullshit. You’re not going to just walk out on me trying to talk to you and that wasn’t a threat. It was a promise. Bc it was juvenile. This whole thing is Juvenile.”

Loren. “I was upset and the first thing you did was say I was acting out and sides with her. You wanna do that, fine. You don’t wanna talk about this in front of her, fine. I wasn’t walking out on you. I just don’t wanna live somewhere that I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I did that my entire fucking life”

Jace “I was trying to get you to see from her perspective as you do every time I’ve spoken to you about my mom, or anything else loren.”

Emily “can no one leave? Please. Y’all this is my fault. I raised the tension bar and i don’t like this. I’m really really sorry loren.”

Loren. “ I see her fucking perspective. But she doesn’t care to see mine. I’m not even going to be okay with this. Or pretend to be. Maybe you should just... I’m not doing this. Fuck this” he started to cry

Emily she walked over and held him. “Jace can you just give me 5 minutes? Please.”

Jace “whatever”

Loren. “Don’t touch me I need to leave. I need to go. Just leave me alone”

Jace “I thought you said you weren’t going.”

Loren. “I-“ he just shook his head

Emily “Jace! 5 minutes.” She said again watching as Jace walked out. “Loren I know you hate me right now but you need to listen to me. You hurt my feelings too. Okay? I know you support me and yeah I see your perspective. But you’ve literally called me strong from day 1 and now it’s like you’re calling me weak for even attempting to make shit work with Khai.” She shrugged. “I don’t want to fight you at all. I’m just a little blindsided by the comments you made and I’m sorry because yes, you have supported me 100% of the way. But that’s exactly why I got confused and upset just now. as for Jace, I-I don’t have advice for that but you guys love each other and y’all just need to breathe and talk this out. But don’t leave. Because that’s clearly not what he wants. But if it’s what you NEED to do, then I guess do it.”

Loren. “Emily, I do nothing but listen to shit between you two. I never complain, I never hardly ever bring up my own shit. But the truth is. I do think you could do better. He obviously has shit he needs to deal with before locking down. But still I support you and root for you. I’m always honest with you, and I’m sorry you didn’t like what I had to say tonight. But it’s always something with him, and that’s a lot on me to make you feel better. I told you I was off. But you still get shitty with me like I’m supposed to just kiss your ass and lift you up. Now I This shit with Jace? Because of Khai and you and what he said... I don’t know if I can forgive that. It’s obviously just too much for me.’so leaving felt like the right thing to do. If he doesn’t wanna support me. Then maybe I was wrong about him”

Emily “I think he was just trying to support us both.” She said through worried eyes. “He cares about Our friendship, Loren. That’s not terrible but he didn’t need to stoop that low and I’m sorry he did. But i don’t think you were wrong about him. Just remember how much shit i deal with when it comes to Khai. But i still love him. Just like you love Jace. If you need to, stay in my room tonight. I don’t care. I want to be there. And like i said, I’ll stop talking about Khai because yes I fully take responsibility for this and that’s exactly why I don’t want to be the reason, or my bullshit with Khai, to be the reason y’all break up.” “I’m really really sorry.”

Loren. “I don’t wanna stay in your room. I don’t wanna be here. You both hurt me. You both made me feel like my opinion or feelings didn’t matter. He should support me not you. I know your friends but he is supposed to be my number one supported. Someone who calms me and is there for ME. I’m just not going to pretend this didn’t happen, and yeah. You started the whole fire in me but he fueled it. I’m just done. I’m just fucking done. Do what you want with Khai. But don’t expect me to sugar coat shit anymore. You deserve better. He’s a piece of shit. Handle it”

Emily “I’m just gonna try and move on. It’s all i can do and i don’t expect you to just bump and forgive me for this or forget this happened. I’m just saying sorry because your opinion does matter. It just hurt coming from you. And if you don’t want to be here, then go.” “or I’ll go. I’ll just go stay at nicks.”

Jace “and I’ll go too.”

Loren. “It’s like everything is fine as long as I’m saying what you wanna hear. How many times have I backed you or lifted you up?”

Emily “every time...”

Loren. “Now it’s all my fault and I’m losing my boyfriend over it? Go stay with nick like I fucking care.”

Emily “i was just saying that i will go....Christ.”

Jace “actually I’m still here but I can go if this is how tonight is gonna continue to pan out.”

Loren. “Are you here for me or her? Cause I’m a little confused right now”

Jace “I’m here for both of you because this fight is dumb. Like y’all both invalidated each other. Grow up”

Loren. “Yeah, grow up” he just laughed

Jace “yeah I’ll just go because we’re gonna be going in circles all night. I’ll see y’all later.”

Loren. “Okay, Emily, baby, it’s okay. I forgive you.”

Emily “no you don’t. I’m leaving too.”

Loren. “Jace, I forgive you too. It’s all my fault and next time I will watch what I say more carefully”

Jace “goodnight, Loren.” Walks out the front door and slams it

Loren. “Let it all be on me”

Emily she sighs, runs into her room and starts packing an overnight bag

Loren. “Don’t you ever talk to me again. I can’t believe you just did this to me after all I did for you”

Emily “loren I do not control Jace’s actions....”

Loren. “This is not friendship You just broke me in a million pieces all because of a stupid left on read by Khai”

Emily “Okay this is bullshit. I didn’t even do anything except fight with you. I don’t control what Jace does. I’m sorry he cared about both of us??? LOREN I SAT HERE AND TRIED TO APOLOGIZE AND YOU ARE BEING A DICK SO INSAID ID LEAVE. IDK WHATBYOU WANT”

Loren. “I’m going to get high. Fuck you”

Emily “fuck you too dude.”

Loren. “I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life. And I’ve been beaten, raped, and disowned by my father.”

Emily “I’m not Jace, Loren. he tried to help...”

Loren. “No your not. Did he?”

Emily “yeah he did but you’re too pissed off to see that and taking it out on me.”

Loren. “I don’t think he did. He threatened to leave if I didn’t just suck it up and forgive you”

Emily “shouldn’t you be fighting him?”

Loren. “That’s not someone who was trying to help”

Emily “you’re not even taking fault for what you said. You’re not sorry at all. You don’t care how it made me feel so why should I care how you feel right now? Oh that’s right. Because i tried to apologize and it’s still nothing.”

Loren. “All I did was wanna leave and I wanted him to come wirh me. But he chose you”

Emily “Because he didn’t want to see a friendship end over a stupid boy...”

Loren. “I didn’t say anything wrong You both were being intense and weird.

Emily “it’s funny how you can see things from Khai’s prospective but when it comes to people pissing you off, it’s complete tunnel vision” “Loren you don’t have to berate or lecture me again on how i can do better. I got it the first 2 times you said it.”

Loren. ”oh my god. Can you not just take one step back and try to see where I’m coming from?”

Emily “I did and do. Do you know how many people tell me that i can do better?” She asked.

Loren. “I don’t care that’s the thing. If you wanna be wirh him I support you. I just said what I saw and you flipped”

Emily “do you know how annoying it is to feel like Me fighting for something that i really want only for people to say why emily?”

Loren. “I give up. It’s always about you” “I’m trying to tell you. I support you”

Emily “if you’d let me fucking finish— I should not have snapped at you but it had been everyone. Literally everyone. Even anonymous beings telling me to do better. Hearing it from you, it just hurt. AND I KNOW LOREN. OKAY I KNOW.”

Loren. “But all you hear is this stupid shit I said one time”

Emily “you want what’s best for me. Okay i hear you. I do. I’m sorry. Idk how many times you want me to say it. I’m. Sorry. I know you want to see me do better.”

Loren. “I can’t even keep up with you right now. That isn’t even what I was saying” “Let me talk”

Emily “It’s how it came across loren.”

Loren. “I wasn’t saying that in our text. I was just saying. You two are intense and weird. I don’t see anything wrong with that, it’s who you two are. But you completely flipped on me. I always support you and root for you and try to paint him as an angel for you. You know I do. So why you went off on me is beyond me. You should know I’m not aaron or any of those stupid assholes. I’m here for YOU! Yeah, maybe you could do better. I don’t really like the way he treats you. But I didn’t say that in the text. I always support you. I wanted to take a step back and just cool off because you literally went off and said fuck me. I don’t need that shit. I’m battling my own demons too you know. Now Jace...”’he teared up. “I should have known better. But guess what? I didn’t. So now I’m broken and you can be sorry but it doesn’t matter. I learned what I had to I guess. I hope you do too.”

Emily “Loren you also just said that I could do better though. But i do appreciate you supporting me and I’m sorry...I’m sorry if I’m the reason you and Jace break up but i really hope I’m not. I highly doubt he’s even left. He’s probably just as broken but this is my fault and I feel horrible for all of this. At this rate, i don’t even know how i have friends because I’ve snapped at every single one of them this week.” She shrugged. “I just don’t want this friendship to die over this. This is so stupid. And I will bring Jace back in here because yalll have to talk. Don’t let this ruin you both. Please. but can i also please just ask for pure transparency with you? Because painting Khai as some angel ISNT going to help me if he pulls the shit like he did tonight.” she sighed, peaking out the window. “He’s literally on the staircase, top step. I’m gonna bring him back in here. Just please...try to talk.”

Loren. “He didn’t even do anything but not text you back. That’s why I try to calm you down. Cause something you act like he’s so bad. When literally he barely did shit. I get why you feel the way you do, trust me I do. I have trust issues myself. But Jace using Landon against me. I can’t even.... that’s just not okay.”

❈ Ⲉⲙⲓ𝓵ⲩ ❈ “Loren it wasn’t even about the text. It was the fact that he backed out of a convo when I was joking with my best friend. Hello.” She sighed. “Talk to Jace. It’s the only advice i can offer. I already said he shouldn’t have stopped that low and i mean it.”

Loren. “I didn’t run from Landon. I tried to protect him and then I fell in love with someone else. I don’t run. I cool off, and I’m done with this. This is too much”

Emily “Loren I’m behind you on this. But I can’t solve it. You have to talk to him, babe”

Loren. “Nope, let him go” “I’m used to being left”

Emily “Loren stop.”

Loren. “I don’t want to” “I don’t have the energy for this.”

Jace he walks in and grabs his book bag, trying to grab his things in peace, his face red from crying but doesn’t say a word

Emily “then give it up. If he’s not worth it then let him go”

Loren. “I didn’t say he isn’t worth it”

Emily “well he’s leaving.”

Loren. “Don’t you dare put words in my mouth”

Emily “I’m not...I’m giving you options Loren. Either talk it out with him, or let him go. doesn’t have to happen tonight. He’s already on his way out”

Loren. “Wow, you really don’t ever listen to me do you?”

Emily “LOREN IM LITERALY SAYING TALK TO HIM WHEN YOU CAN”

Loren. “Has the one choosing to leave” “He’s also the one choosing to hurt me. I can’t control him”

Jace “BECAUSE I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO, LOREN!”

Emily she sighed, and walked out.

Jace “IM HOMELESS. I HAVE TO FIND SOMEWHERE TO GO”

Loren. “Well, im just done. I literally can’t do this anymore” “You didn’t want me to leave. But there you go”

Jace “so that’s it. Youre breaking up with me”

Loren. “As long as it’s not me right” “No I’m not. You’re the one leaving”

Jace “I didn’t leave. I’m still here. I was crying on the top step because I shouldn’t have said what i said. And now yes I want to leave because I really don’t think i should be here. I’m not good for you loren. I’m not.”

Loren. “Wow.’okay”

Jace “You can’t convince me I am when I just hurt you that badly.”

Loren. “I really just don’t even understand how this is my fault”

Jace “i have to live with that for the rest of this life, this relationship. I’m not blaming you. I’m blaming myself.”

Loren. “You wanted to protect her instead of me. That’s fine. I’m just not going to beg you to want me. I’m not gonna beg you to side with me. And I’m sure as hell not staying in this fucking town”

Jace “so you are leaving”

Loren. “Why do I have any reason to stay without you?”

Jace “and I didn’t want to protect anyone...I was literally just trying to help... immsorry” “Loren if you leave, so will I.”

Loren. “You literally ask me every day if I’m okay. No, Jace. I’m not”

Jace “you don’t talk to me. You never fucking talk to me maybe I’ll just take that trip to Hawaii like I planned to find my mom.”

Loren. “I try to stay stable for you. For her. For myself for gods sake. But I’ve been through a lot. To the point I just wanna die most days. But you are literally the only thing keeping me going. Then you say that about Landon. Like I actually ran from him? I didn’t run from him. I was beat within inches of my life. Then I met you... and now you. Okay you know what. I can’t even... I just need to go. This is pointless”

Jace “our love is FAR from pointless, Loren.”

Loren. “Neither one of you let me talk”

Jace “you just spoke”

Loren. “I’m sorry okay? I’m fucking sorry. Can I please go get pure now?”

Jace “I don’t even know what that means. And I don’t know why you’re apologizing when I’m the one who fucked this up.”

Loren. “I don’t know either. I literally am not in the right state of mind tonight. I said that half a dozen times. And still... “

Jace “I’ll just crash on the couch. Talk later.”

Loren. “Okay. I’m done”

Jace “ok”

Loren. “Don’t say I didn’t fight for this” he says walking out the door and slamming it

Jace “what the fuck is going on?” He follows him. “you’re really confusing me loren. You wanna talk but don’t. You don’t want me to walk out, I don’t want you to walk out but here you are ready to skip town. So which is it? I thought you were needing a break to talk about this later. So I opted to stay on the god damn couch but that was a wrong move too. What the fuck do you want? Talk”

Loren. He sat on the top step and just cried

Jace “I love you loren. I’m trying here. But I don’t know what you want me to fucking do”

Loren. “I wanted you to back me. No matter what. I wanted you to love me, no matter what. I just wanted to know I could come to you with anything and you wouldn’t leave or tell me I was invalid in my feelings. Now everything is ruined, and it’s all because I didn’t want to be treated like shit by my so called best friend” [3:32 AM] “I’ve done shit for her that was so out of line, I’ve done everything for her. I didn’t deserve any of this”

Jace he sighed and sat down beside him, keeping his hands to himself. “Loren, you’re right. You don’t deserve anything that happened but you have 2 people trying to apologize. I don’t know how many times I have to say this: I was trying to get you to see it from her perspective. That is it. I’m not saying what you said was wrong. Im not saying what she did was right either, baby. You have to listen to me.” He sighed, wiping his own tears. “It’s...a boy. And this is a friendship. Khai is a shitty person, okay? But she loves him. And truth hurts. People lash out on that shit. All i was trying to do was for you to see why she did. I did have your back by trying to help mend it but I see that’s where I came off wrong. And I’m sorry.” He sighed, choking up. “And I’m sorry for what I said too. That was low of me and i know you will never forgive me for that.” She sighed, trying to catch his breath. “Truth is I do love you. I do have your back. You can come to me with anything but much like you told emily, I’m not one to sugar coat shit. I’ve been in my own depression since finding out about bea but you’re the reason I stay afloat. And no. Not everything is ruined. You still have me and you still have emily. But if you don’t want us, that’s your decision. We can’t force you to do anything. No matter how bad I may not want you to leave, the choice is yours.”

Loren. “I did see her side, Jace. That’s the whole point. I tried to talk to her and explain myself and she tore into me like I haven’t been there for her the whole fucking time. I can’t do this shit with her anymore. I can’t, and I can’t let it come between us. Yeah, you hurt me with what you said. I don’t even know what to do with that. But I’m so in love with you, I need you. I know you’ve been stressed and I think I just need to focus on us and not them. I need to. Because I need you, and I’m so in love with you. I’d fucking marry you if you’d let me. But you need to know, when I say I’m leaving. I just need to cool off. I’d never walk out on you. Never”

Jace he took a deep breath and moved to hold loren, cupping his face. “I know what it’s like to try and focus on others relationships. But she has to fix this on her own. You can only do so much. But y’all need to support each other. NOT that you WERENT before. Because you were. But you know what I mean.” He presses his forehead to his. “But i love you so much and yes, we’ll get married. I don’t want to lose you. I want us to work on ourselves together. But please be open with me baby. I can’t help you if you’re not”

Loren. “I’m trying” he said grabbing his wrists. “I’m so used to being told to keep quiet and to stay in my own lane. But I’m really trying. I told you about the heroin, and Dominic, and I have been doing good. But, I’ve just been stressed with Emily. Because I love her and I hate seeing her hurt” [3:55 AM] “Please don’t leave me. I love you so much and don’t you ever threaten me like that again. I literally crumbled”

Jace “of course you do baby. Shes your best friend.” He pressed his forehead to his. “I am so sorry. I really am. I just was scared to lose you. I didn’t want you to leave. Too many already have walked out of my life.”

Loren. “I didn’t even think that’s how you might have felt. I just thought you knew I needed to cool off and that’s my bad. I apologize for that. I do” he pressed his head back against his and sighed. “I’m never gonna leave you okay? I just build up and I go off. So I just need to calm down. Please know I’d never leave you”

Jace “I believe you. I’m sorry.” He told him, moving to hug him and breaking down in his arms. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” He repeated over and over in light whispers

Loren. He wrapped his arms around him and cried with him. Kissing the side of his head. “I’m so sorry too. I really am. I love you”

Jace he sobbed into his neck before pulling out and pressing his lips to him. “Can we go back inside our home?” He asked, breaking away from the kiss.

Loren. He kissed him back with all the love he still had for him and nodded as he pulled away. “Yeah baby. Let’s go to bed.” He brushed his cheek wiping his tears and smiled softly. “I love when you call it that”

Jace “well it is. It’s our home. I want it to stay that way.” He smiled, kissing him again as he wiped his own boyfriend’s tears. “Let’s go” he took his hand, holding tightly

Loren. “Yes it is” he nodded. He kissed him back and took his hand before getting up and leading him inside. “I’m not going anywhere, ever. I promise”

Jace “I’m not either. A trip to Hawaii? Without the love of my life to support me? I’d be out my damn mind.”

Loren. “Yeah, you would. But if it’s something you really feel you need to do alone. I’d respect that”

Jace “I can’t do that alone. I don’t have the balls to do it alone*”

Loren. “Okay, then I’m there. I’m by yours side always. I love you” he led him into the bedroom and pulled the covers back on the bed. “You sleep on my side okay?”

Jace “w-where will you sleep?” He asked lying down hesitantly.

Loren. “In your spot” he said. Crawling on top of him and laying his head onto his shoulder”

Jace “the switch up only for you to cuddle me.” He smiled, tilting his head up to kiss him. “I love you.”

Loren. “Yeah”’he chucked. Kissing him back before rolling off of him. Half his body still on him though. “I love you too. With every ounce of my existence”

#chats:jace #chats:emily #chats:discord #ft.emily #ft.jace #ft.khai #ft.landon #ft.nick

1 note · View note

davieslandon · 4 years

Text

Discord Thread || Harry and Landon

Discord thread featuring: Landon & @theharrykingston

Mentions: @lorencourtier @romanbeckett @aaronhart93

When: July 1st

Description: Landon tells Harry that Loren broke up with him.

Trigger Warnings: breakup talk, sad Landon

Harry

Harry hadn't actually realised that a few days had gone by. That wasn't because he was disassociating, or had been lost down some rabbit hole of the past. He'd actually been writing... For the first time in months, he had a real muse and a real desire to write. Harry was so overdue to publish the next book in his series, he was giving George R.R. Martin a run for his money. But, over the course of a few days he was almost done with the first draft, ready for the editing houses. There was just... One thing he wanted to do before he sent it off. During the time that they had been together, Harry had always had Landon read his drafts. He really respected the thoughts and insight the other man gave, and now that they were back in each others' lives... He just thought that maybe it might... Put some common ground back between them... As friends, of course. Harry had sent a few texts, but after a couple hours with no response, not even a read sign, Harry got worried. He called and Uber and rode across town to his house... Their house... Knocking on the door, he waited patiently for the answer. "Hey-- I-- I texted you and I-I got no response, I just th-thought I'd come and check in... Is everything okay?"

Landon

Landon wasn’t sure how he managed to get from Loren’s place all the way to his own. He drove, that he knew for sure, but he couldn’t actually remember the journey. How could he when all he could think about was Loren saying he didn’t think Landon really loved him. That this wasn’t working out and it was better if they ended things now. Landon really thought he finally found someone understanding that he could love and move on from all the drama. How stupid of him. He paid the babysitter as soon as he got back and somehow kept his composure for long enough to put Elle to bed but, as soon as he was alone, he was done. Landon collapsed onto the couch and took heaving breaths, trying to keep his sobs in but it wasn’t working. Soon enough he was crying, trying his best to keep it down so as not to wake up Elle. The part thing he was expecting was a knock on the door and he had half the mind to ignore it but...what if it was something important? So he wiped his face to his best of his ability and opened the door, coming face to face with Harry. “Oh, hey. I wasn’t expecting you today”, he said, trying to muster up a smile. “Everything’s fine. My phone’s just out of battery so I put it on charge. Thanks for checking in though.”

Harry

Harry knew as soon as his eyes set onto Landon that he was not okay. Even after the space that was put between them from him, even after all these years... Harry knew exactly what Landon looked like after he'd been crying. What he looked like when he was hurt. He could feel his own heart hurting. "Landon..." He said softly as the other tried to smile and pretend. "I-- You never were very good at l-lying," Harry gave a small half smile as he sighed and lifted his brows a little. "I came t-to make s-sure Elle was okay but... I don't want t-to leave knowing you're not..."

Landon

Landon should have known Harry would see right through his lie but he couldn’t even bring himself to care right now. He was too hurt and tired to keep up the act and he shrugged, avoiding his ex-husband’s eyes. Moving to the side, he let Harry walk in and led the way to the living room. This wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have next to the front door. Once they were both sitting down, Landon tried to think of the best way to say it but in the end decided to go with the truth. “Loren broke up with me.”

Harry

Harry walked into the house and closed the door after him, slipping his shoes off and handing his coat up before following Lan through into the living room. He got a really strong sense of home whenever he was in this house, especially now that, for the most part, he and Landon were actually getting along. It had been a rough month of constant fighting and bickering but... Perhaps they really could do this. Harry didn't say anything when they sat down, he knew that Landon was just trying to find the right words and of course Harry would give him the time to do that. If anyone knew what not being about to get your thoughts out was like, it was Harry. What he didn't expect was what came, though... Harry's heart sunk. Had he been glad that Landon was dating again? No... But, had he been glad that he was happy? Of course, more than anything. "Landon I--" he sighed heavily, looking to Landon just to make sure he wasn't completely closing down before gently just placing an arm around his shoulders. He knew that if Landon wanted more, if he needed a hug, he'd turn into him. "I'm really s-sorry, Lan... I really am..."

Landon

Landon wasn’t sure what else he could say. He thought things were going well between them and instead it was the other way round. This wasn’t something that he saw coming and it made everything so much worse. How was he supposed to look Harry in the eyes after he argued with him over the same guy who broke up with him so unexpectedly? Landon even wanted to introduce him to Elle. How stupid could he be? Maybe he wasn’t as good of a dad as he liked to think he was. “It’s fine, I should have expected it really”, he smiled bitterly. “Why does everyone I love leave?” He turned to Harry, desperately looking for an answer that he was probably not going to get.

Harry

Harry couldn’t help but be glad that they had never introduced Elle to Loren. He had absolutely no right to think that considering everything he’s done to his own daughter, but still... He couldn’t help but allow the thought to cross his mind. Harry would never say that out loud though, he wanted to support his ex husband, not put him down even more. Being such an empath, Harry didn’t think that he could feel anymore of Landons pain than he already was... But then he went and said that. Harry’s heart dropped to his stomach, tugged down by tons of weight. “I—“ He really had no response. “I’m sorry...” Harry said gently before pulling Landon into a hug properly. “*Im so s-sorry, Landon...” He muttered gently as he closed his eyes to stop himself from crying. “I promise you it— it’s not you... You’re... You’re the best person I-I have ever met, Landon...”

Landon

Landon knew that Harry couldn’t give him an answer to his question, no one could. But he wasn’t thinking clearly so when his ex-husband looked like he didn’t know what to say...it crushed Landon. He let himself be pulled into a hug, squeezing Harry tightly almost as a way of grounding himself. “If it’s not me then why? Everyone leaves. I’m barely even talking to Roman and Aaron, you left...now Loren...I can’t. I c-can’t do this anymore.”

Harry

As Landon gave into the hug and squeezed him as if his life was depending on it, Harry just held him closer and tighter, one hand on the back of his head. “R-Roman and Aaron haven’t left, L... a-and I— I’m sorry I left. But— i— I’m back... For you, for Elle... I’m not going anywhere a-again, okay?” He sniffled and took a shaky breath. “I promise Landon... I’m not leaving... Youre not alone...”

Landon

Landon felt so alone. Just when he was slowly starting to get over the hurt of Harry leaving, this happened. He was in a good place, thinking that he could finally be somewhat happy with Harry back to help him raise Elle and Loren by his side. It’s true that Harry was gone for four years but he was here now and they could work on moving forward. Maybe he could stop fearing his ex-husband leaving again. All his fears were back and doubled now that his boyfriend, the person he was falling in love with and went all the way to France for, broke up with him. He wanted to believe Harry and his promise but he was just...done. He was done being played. “O-okay...yeah. I’m sorry.” Sorry for their fight in the park over someone who wasn’t even going to stay, sorry for not answering his texts and worrying him, sorry for breaking down...Landon wasn’t sure what he was really apologizing for.

Harry

Harry wanted to find a way to contact this guy, to give him a piece of his mind however hypocritical that may seem. He was by no means a violent person, in fact, Harry had never hit anyone or anything in his life before but seeing Landon hurting like this... It boiled his blood. Then there was the fight inside him, the little voice telling him that this was how Landon was when he left, when he broke his heart... If Harry hadn't already had that defining moment that made him realise he wasn't going anywhere, this would have been it too. Sure, they had probably burnt all of their bridges when it came to a relationship but... Harry wanted to be here for Landon too. As... Whatever it was Landon needed. "You have nothing to be s-sorry for..." He said, trying to be as stern as he could so that message got across to his ex-husband. "None of th-this is your fault," Harry hugged him tightly, sighing gently. "It's gonna be okay, Landon..."

Landon

In a way, this all seemed like a repetition of everything that happened with Harry when he left four years ago, even though not to the same extent. He and Loren weren't married or raising a child together and they hadn't been together as long as he and Harry had been, but the similarities were still there. Landon still felt rejected, hurt and abandoned. He thought what they had was...important. Although now he realised how stupid he was being to think like that for someone he'd been with for such a short time. That was the problem with Landon. It took him a while to be convinced in giving things a try with someone, but once he did he was all in. No more. He couldn't get hurt again, he just couldn't take it anymore. "I guess I know that in a way but I just feel so stupid crying over someone who left me because I didn't love him enough." Landon wanted to believe Harry's words, he really did, but history showed him otherwise. He didn't want to worry his ex-husband more than he probably already was so he just nodded, trying to calm himself down. 'Yeah, yeah, you're right."

Harry

Seeing Landon like this... It brought every memory flooding back to Harry, everything from the last few months of their marriage, everything from the cabin, from seeing him again at Throuple, everything Aaron had said to him. It was almost overwhelming. It made him want to stand up and bolt out the door, afraid of confronting and seeing pain he's caused. But, Aaron was wrong. Aaron was wrong, he wasn't going to run away as soon as it got hard. This was hard. But he needed to stay, needed to prove to himself that he could, and to Landon that he would... Slowly, he pulled away from the hug, but stayed close, hip to hip. "You'll find-- s-someone," Harry said, his voice soft and quiet. Carefully, reading Landon's eyes in case he was overstepping, Harry lifting his hands which were shaking a little, and wiped Landon's cheeks and under his eyes clear of tears. "You are more th-than enough, I-- I wouldn't want t-to raise a child with anyone else... Even under our circums-stances now..." He sighed gently, raising his brows softly. "He's an idiot for letting you th-through his fingers... A-And leaving you behind... Just like I was..."

Landon

Landon scoffed at the mention of finding someone else and shook his head. "No thanks. I think I'm done with dating and serious relationships. I've given it a good try and ended miserable every single time so now I'm done." He knew he was probably sounding really dramatic but Landon was being very serious. He couldn't go through this again, he just couldn't. All his walls were up and they weren't likely to come back down any time soon. Love could go fuck itself because it brought him nothing but pain. Landon smiled at Harry's words about raising Elle together. Through all of this, the only thing that made him feel a little better was the knowledge that Loren's exit from his life wasn't going to affect his daughter in any way. It crushed him but as long as it was just him, he would live through it. He didn't want to imagine what he would have felt if he had to tell Elle that someone she'd gotten close to because of him was leaving and never coming back. Harry talking about them raising Elle together reminded him of one of the last conversations he had with Loren where his boyfriend...ex-boyfriend....asked him if he would ever want more children. How did they go from that to break up? "He asked me, you know. At the wedding reception. He asked me if I would ever want to have more kids...with you."

Harry

A lot of people might have rolled their eyes at Landon's statement. They might have passed it off, saying that he was just being dramatic in the moment and give it a couple days, his thoughts on the matter would be different. But, Harry knew Landon. Even with the 4 years they had missed from each others lives, he knew Landon. There was a deadly seriousness behind that sentence, especially behind those last two words. I'm Done. Harry knew that feeling... To a certain extent, he still did. Even with Dorian... Harry was a pessimistic person, he didn't expect it to last. He didn't expect Dorian to stick around through all his lows. Everything came, and everything goes. Those were the two absolutes of living. Harry was almost certain he'd had his shot at happiness... He missed. There was nothing to be done about it. "If you do... If you don't-- th-that's okay..." Harry ran his thumb over Landon's cheek before bringing his hands back down and putting an arm behind Landon again, just in case... Just in case the other needed another hug. Though, what he said surprised him and there was no way to hide that kind of shock. "What a-- s-strange question for him t-to ask," he blinked a few times before furrowing his eyebrows and looking to him. "What did you s-say?"

Landon

Maybe Landon would change his mind once the wound wasn't so fresh any more but he didn't think that was likely. How many times who could he open himself up to someone only to have it thrown back in his face? It wasn't fair. But he didn't want to say that out loud because he knew it would make him sound like a whining four year old. And he wasn't. He was a twenty eight year old father to the most amazing little girl he had ever met. That was what he needed to focus on whenever he felt like everything was getting to be too much, which it often did. "I didn't think anything of it at the time...honestly I just saw it as a way of taking an interest in a future together? But, once again, that was very stupid of me", he sighed. "What do you think I said? I said no. I mean, can you imagine us having more kids other than Elle in the situation we're in?"

Harry

Harry felt himself sighing at almost the same time as he ex-husband. He didn't know what to say to make him feel better, he didn't know whether Landon wanted him to stay, even if they just ordered food and watched TV in peace and quiet, just having company... Was that weird? Did ex-husbands usually do this? Harry supposed you couldn't really compare them to anyone else, because he'd certainly never heard of anything or anyone in a situation remotely like theirs... That was kind of a blessing and a curse. It meant they got to make up their own rules, but it also meant there was no playbook to go off, no base ground to build on. "No... But--" Harry glanced down at his feet for a moment as he collected some thoughts going around his head. "I-- I think if... which I-I don't think I ever will.. But I th-think if I ever did have kids with s-someone else... I'd-- I'd want you to be in their lives too... A Godfather kinda?" He tried to explain how no matter what, he wanted Landon to be a part of his life. It was far too late to honour his 'for better or for worse' vow but... He wanted to at least respect it. Harry sighed and then decided that he would have a go at perhaps changing the topic so they didn't go around in circles or start arguing. He reached down and unclipped his satchel and took out the manuscript of his book and then placed it in Landon's lap. "That's-- that's for you... You don't-- you don't have to read it, I-I understand if you don't... But-- you always had t-the first copy..." He smiled softly.

Landon

Landon wasn't sure how they ended up talking about potentially having other children, especially since he was always so adamant that he didn't want to have more kids for the time being. He wanted to focus on Elle and enjoy the last few years of his twenties before even thinking of having more children. Yet it was nice to get the opportunity to discuss it. During his conversations with Aaron and Alison about the possibility of them having another child, he sometimes thought about more children of his own. His biggest worry was always how it would affect Elle, having a sibling that did not have Harry as a dad. Obviously he still wanted Harry to be a part of Elle's life but would it be awkward for his ex-husband if Landon ever did end up having more kids? It was something that actually worried him and one of the reasons why he didn't want to think about more kids at the time being. He didn't want to ruin the hesitant truce they had going on. But with the way Harry was talking, maybe they wouldn't have to. "Maybe...that could be nice, I guess." It was weird for him to think of them having more kids other than Elle on their own but he knew it was something that could happen in the future. He doubted it could ever be a possibility for them together. With Harry now seeing Dorian and him on an indefinite break from relationships, they were clearly both on very different paths. Landon wasn't expecting the manuscript he was given from Harry. "Are you serious?" It was true that he was always the one to get the first copy but he wasn't sure if that was an honour that still fell to him with everything that happened between them. It made a rush of affection to run through him and he pulled Harry in for another hug. "Than you", he whispered. "Of course I'm going to read it and I already know I'm going to love it."

Harry

Harry had no idea where his life was heading anymore, and for the first time that wasn't because he'd given up on it completely. His friendship with Dorian was slowly progressing into something else, and whilst they hadn't had a conversation about anything official, whilst they were still finding their feet and navigating those waters... Harry found himself actively looking forward, wondering what was next. Of course, there were times where Harry was sure that he was reading too much into their kiss at the wedding, or the dinner they had a few days after. But... There was some hope in there, and that was huge for Harry. Talking about kids though with Landon... Being with him like this... It confused him... Harry still loved Landon, that much was true. He wasn't sure he'd ever stop loving Landon, even if he and Dorian did officially get together... "Of course I'm s-serious..." Harry chuckled quietly, not expecting the sudden hug from his ex-husband. Still, he wrapped his arms around him willingly and smiled. "The-- the first copy will always be yours... and Elle's-- when s-she's old enough for them..." He sighed softly as they withdrew from the hug, catching Landon's eyes for just a few moments. There were so many little reminders of what used to be in those eyes, in the way they looked at each other. What they had was still there, underneath all the new and heavy baggage called divorce... Why did he have to leave? "Did you eat t-today?"

Landon

Getting the first copy of Harry’s manuscript filled him with hope that he desperately needed right now. Hope that the more time went by and the more they talked things out, the less arguments they would have. Maybe the first few were necessary to get a few things off their chests but Landon didn’t really want them to keep screaming at each other every time they tried to have a serious conversation. They were both adults and they needed to start behaving as such. When they broke apart from the hug, their eyes caught on each other’s for a few seconds and Landon felt frozen. It was moments like these that he allowed himself to think of what could have been. What would have happened if Harry never left? If Landon wasn’t in that accident? Sometimes he liked to think that they would still be happily married, but other times the thought of it got too painful. Maybe they weren’t meant to work together and their marriage would have ended anyways. Or maybe not. Thinking about what if��s was useless and painful because the past wasn’t going to change, no matter how much they willed it to. And so that’s why Landon was the first one to break eye contact, mentally shaking himself out of his thoughts. “Not really. I haven’t really been in the best mood to cook. Honestly I was just focused on getting Elle to bed once I got home and then...yeah.”

Harry

Harry hadn’t finished a book in four years. He had spent everyday hidden away, writing, but nothing ever finished itself. Nothing ever clicked, there was no life in his writings. But now... Now his family was back together, now they weren’t fighting, now his daughter filled his life with so much light... He had that muse again. The manuscript he had just given Landon was one that would make or break the rest of his career as a writer. Often, unless an author came back with something groundbreaking, once they disappeared from the thoughts of publishers, they were gone forever. Harry had one shot at coming back... He wanted Landon to be the one to read his shot first. It was due to him that he finished it... It was only right, and no matter what happened between them from here on out, Landon would always be the first. Harry sighed gently as Landon said he hadn’t eaten, softly, the writer squeezed his ex-husbands knee before bringing his hands back to himself, sliding one into a pocket and taking out his phone. “Let me order you s-some food... I’ll, er, st-stay until it gets here then— if you want s-space I’ll leave you to it...” Harry said softly, raising his brows pleadingly at Landon.

Landon

There hadn’t been a single book written by Harry that Landon didn’t love. His ex-husband had a way of writing that somehow always made him feel like he was in another world while reading. And so he knew, without even having read it, that this new book was going to be amazing. He didn’t say that to Harry, knowing that the other boy wouldn’t appreciate his words before he even got to read it. “Fine, I guess I can do that”, he shrugged. In reality, Landon didn’t think he could stomach any food but he didn’t want to worry the other more than he probably already was. His ex-husband did so much for him already, he didn’t deserve to worry over Landon’s broken heart as well.

Harry

Harry smiles gently, even if there was a lot of sadness and worry behind it. He felt so guilty right now, guilty for how he had caused this before, how he had caused this now... If he’d never left, then Landon would have never starting seeing Loren, never would have been in this mess... He knew it was almost pathetic to put blame on himself, but that was just who Harry was as a person. He wore his heart on his sleeve and he took everything on board. “Thank you...” He said softly before ordering what he knew was Landon’s favourite meal he could get this side of the ocean. Then, Harry reached for the TV remote and switched it on, finding a channel with something easy watching... Brooklyn Nine Nine would do for now... Light hearted humour, sound down low so as not to wake Elle or hurt anyone’s tired head. He let out a gentle sigh as he relaxed into the couch, trying not to flick his eyes from the TV to look at Landon because he knew if he did, he’d end up staring.

Landon

If there was one thing Landon could call himself an expert on, it was knowing how to read most of Harry’s expressions and this never changed, even with their separation. So he knew that his attempt not to worry his ex-husband wasn’t working very well but he couldn’t do much more. Landon considered himself lucky that at least he wasn’t crying anymore, but anything more than that was impossible at the moment. He watched as Harry ordered sushi, smiling at how much he still knew him. Maybe his favourite take out could make him feel slightly better. Landon leant back and tried to enjoy the peaceful moment of watching a nice comedy on tv but instead found himself fighting to keep his eyes open. The craziness of the day seemed to finally be catching up on him and he figured there was nothing wrong with resting his eyes, just for a few seconds. He should have known that would lead to dozing off.

Harry

Harry felt at ease, in his old home, the place where it all started all those years ago. When he had come here last month to meet Elle again for the first time, he didn’t know if he’d ever not be able to see all the pain that had happened in this house... But now? Now he just felt... Easy. It felt, well, it was home. Harry heard Landon’s breathing slow and become heavier, and he thought about waking him, but decided against it, instead just scooting a little closer so his shoulder could catch Landon’s head as he dropped off into a doze. With a gentle smile, Harry took his eyes off the television and looked down at his ex-husband, the man who still had so much of his heart... He had to fight the urge to kiss his hair even though it was burning inside of him. Harry didn’t really know how much time he spent watching Landon sleeping, all he knew was that watching him felt... So simple. The Uber Eats driver text him to say he was waiting at the end of the drive and gently, Harry slipped out from the couch and picked up the food, quietly bringing it inside and setting Landon’s on a table near him. He went to wake him, but didn’t want to disturb some needed rest, so he opened his own sushi and began eating, glancing between Landon and the TV.

Landon

Landon wasn’t sure what happened. One second he was looking at the tv and thinking about how at least he was feeling a little better, and the next he was startling awake, looking around him in confusion. “Wha- oh”, he said, as soon as he saw Harry eating from his box of sushi. His attempt to rest his eyes had clearly turned into a mini nap. “Sorry about that. It’s been a long day and I guess that took a toll on me”, he said, tiredly rubbing his eyes. He leaned over and grabbed his own box of sushi. “Thanks for taking care of everything.”

Harry

Harry jumped a little as Landon suddenly woke up as if he'd been jolted by something. "Hey," he chuckled gently before giving him a moment to just adjust back to the room. "Don't apologise for d-d-dozing off in your own place," Harry offered a small smile as he gestured to Landon's food on the table. "You're welcome," he said before taking another mouthful of sushi before sighing softly. "I-- I know i-it probably st-still sounds hard to believe at th-the moment but, um... I'm here," he nodded his head a little as he spoke. "Whenever you need it-- A-Always..." Harry gave his ex-husband a little smile, his eyebrows knitted together for a moment. "Whether it's t-taking care of Elle or just... You..." He swallowed a little before snapping his gaze to the TV.

Landon

Landon knew Harry was trying to help and he knew that he had people in his life who cared and would only want what’s best for him but some part of him still felt so alone. This was a bad hit and he wasn’t sure he would be able to get over it any time soon, especially since he still felt like there were things left unsaid between him and Loren. With him leaving, Landon doubted they would get the chance to talk about it again and it made everything feel so much worse. For now, the pain was too much for him to feel anything other than shit but Landon could tell that the pain would eventually make way for anger over the way things ended. He just needed to hold on until then and he knew that Harry was speaking the truth. They might not be together anymore but Landon knew he could count on his ex-husband to be there when he needed him, whether it was for help with Elle or anything else. “Thank you. I know I can count on you and...I think you’ve proven yourself more than enough in the past few weeks.”Message #chapter-one

#discord #c: harry #m: loren #m: roman #m: aaron

1 note · View note

foriambeautifullymade · 2 years

Photo

Pilipinas.....

Wow, grabeh yung excitemen na na feel ko now..I’m just gonna share my experience this whole election campaign.

When the election campaign started, i was so excited especially when it was confirmed that BBM is running for President and his running mate for VP is Inday Sarah Duterte. You see eversince i was young, I’ve always been proud to be Pinoy, pero mas lalo akong naging proud nung naging Presidente c PRRD. Nagsimula ang pagmamahal ko sa bayan when i met Jesus. Naintindihan ko ang compassion para sa bayan nung maintindihan ko ang gospel. I’ve learned to pray for the country and for our leaders when God made me understand His Word in the bible. Kaya ako excited mag vote.

I make sure makaka vote ako sa 2022 and so i transferred my voter registration from Alburqueque to Tagbilaran city.

Never expected that the whole campaign would be a hit this year. Feeling ko ako lng boboto kay BBM! lol I don’t know but kahit nung bata ako despite the history na sinasabi nila and all the books na sinulat feel ko di totoo yun. Or baka di lang talaga ako matalino kaya di ako affected! lol Pero buti nalang di ako matalino para hinde ako makapag judge ng tao.

So eto na, naka pag decide na ako matagal na 2016 pa na if tatakbo si BBM I’d vote for him, and sa nung pag start ng campaign lahat ng nakikita ko sa socmed is for VP Leni, even sa ibang mga friends ko VP Leni sila, so i was just silent about my candidate. Hindi sa nahiya ako but because, hindi na kases magbabago desisyon ko kahit ano pa sabihin nila. hahaha hindi ko na sila papahirapan. Pero may time na na question ko sarili ko na “normal pa kaya ako?” halos lahat sa socmed and some friends are for VP pero gang dun lang naman but it bothered me. So i confronted some of my friends and i was relieved because the people whom i shared my thoughts are also for BBM and they asked that same question din!Parang feel namin alien kame in a world full of Leni.

Socmed was so loud and kame ng ibang friends ko na BBM are keeping our cool. I tried posting my candidate on my facebook wall, i got a laugh react from a Leni supporter so i tried to have a revenge by giving a laugh react as well on her Leni posts. Pero, what I did convicts me. I’m reminded that this is just politics and my relationship to that person is important than anything else, so i deleted my posts and decided not to post anything until the President will be declared. win or lose, magpopost pa din ako. Pero may mga times talaga na makapag my day ako! hahaha and sa mga last days before the actual election i posted some stuff sa tiktok ko venting out lang about what happened like nung son disowning a mother ( Loren Legarda and son) then i also vent out my frustration sa isang student who committed suicide because he was bullied. Sakit sa ulo. So many issues but all the other dramas done, i choose to ignore those kase di naman need and prio yung ibang issues nila.

Bashing was normalized the whole election campaign. I even have some mentors who was saying a lot of things about PRRD and BBM pero cge go lang, i will still respect you kase naman ibat-iba tayo ng opinion. But this make me sad ha. I’ve unfollowed some influencers who are so loud a nd toxic. Pero i never unfollowed or blocked friends . House-to-house campaign with black propagandas are done. Sarap na mag react pero chill pa din. Mall-to-mall campaign and saw some of my lodi na artista na namimilit ng tao para i vote c VP Leni. Na shock ako kase i looked up to them pero nagawa nila sumayaw in market and mocked BBM.

Ang gulo ng election that there was this one time na i told myself, mag change nalang ako ng ibang kandidato. I prayed about it pero wala akong makita e. I am not saying that BBM is perfect. Im not ignoring what happened in the past, but my decision as to why i chose him as my President is based on what he did for the country.I never based my decision on how i feel. That would be selfish of me. I looked at everything he does.. those times when he helped people and didn’t reached socmed or never natrending. Those moments when he remained kind despite the bash, despite the mocking. Inintindi ko yung mga estate tax and even have to go through the history again. On the other hand, i also watched and observed VP Leni. I tried myself to look at her for who she is as a person and my heart cried kase nakikita ko yung pagod niya. Something is not right. There was too much hate. I dont know where this is all coming from. It is as if she was doing this things for some people. I don’t hate her. I never hated her. I love woman empowerment pero this...something is wrong and I’m sorry kase i cannot cast my vote to someone who shows too much hate. Fighting for one person and not for the country..There are also some candidates that I’m looking at and believe it or not i prayed a lot for my decision. I prayed na wrong motives will be exposed along the way. Sabi ko kay Lord, if you will tell me to change my vote i will kase i want my decisions to be based sa decision mo. There are so many things being exposed na along the way thats why i choose to chill kase anytime pag sabihin ni Lord, eto i vote mo at least wala akong sinabi na bad...pero wala e, my decision gives me peace of mind.Walang pag aalinlangan na po to.I know He will be that person that fits this position and if ever worst scenarios happen, then for sure God will allow it to happen.

May 9, 2022, i started my day with a prayer. Lord, if you want me to change last minute i will,obey. Isaiah 45 yung binigay na word saken that day. yung sa Isaiah 45:5 - I am the Lord, and there is no other, besides me there is no God; I equip you, though you do not know me. The whole Isaiah 45 gives me so much comfort. Knowing that He is a sovereign God makes me bow down to my knees and just let go of my doubts and trust Him in everything. Thank you for reminding me that you are the King of everything.

Today, as i was writing this, almost lahat ng binoto ko pasok kahit sa local votes. Kahit tapos na ang election, super gulo pa din sa socmed and i just prayed for healing for everyone who grieves and praying for the nation and our new leaders.

Relationship over politics po tayo. Socmed can be very toxic at times kaya we need to balance and control ourselves from saying bad things kase babalik saten un e. Sana lahat tayo may natutunan sa season na to and we can forgive each other sa mga pagbabash naten sa isa’t isa.

Proud po ako maging Pinoy and most of all i’m proud to be a daughter of our one true King.

#ph elections #uniteam #daughterofaKing

0 notes

thehalfworld · 7 years

Text

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 5]

I can’t fucking sleep. Have more of this nonsense.

Same warnings as before (rape references, some more consensual sexuality that stops shy of actual sex). There’s also a brief mention of self-harm at the very end of the chapter.

Recap: Tiaa went to the beach party, which was boring, but she did meet a few creatively-named goth girls who think she’s cool, so now she at least has friends. Also she and Edward almost had sex but didn’t because it was only chapter 4.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN - can i have some reveiws pls

Here you go!

Chapter 5 - the talent contest

It was a week later and I felt like I was slowly dying inside.

Relatable, but why?

My life had crumbled into pieces and I was alone in the horrible darkness of my mind.

At least it’s nice and empty in there. Plenty of room to stretch out.

the four chearleaders had folowed me a round school and been mean to me for the last week making fun of my clothes and my purple streaked blond hair and saying i was too slim and that i had boobs like a pron star.

Okay, fine, I’m going to comment on the cheerleader thing. Look… Bella being a cheerleader makes negative sense. Her main character flaw (according to Meyer, anyway) is being so clumsy she trips over flat surfaces. She doesn’t possess the coordination necessary for anything physically demanding. Also, she’s explicitly described as being nothing like a cheerleader in the first Twilight book, if memory serves.

It relay upset me. and also uncle larry had taken my clothed off and rapped me loads of times last week and even though dave and marie were back home now every time they went out to different places they left me with him and he hit me and made me sleep with was so horrible I wanted to die every time it happened.

Don’t know why this is presented as a secondary concern to being picked on by cheerleaders.

Is there a reason Tiaa can’t tell anyone about what’s going on with Uncle Larry? Like, I can think of a lot of potential reasons why she might not be able to seek help here, but we aren’t given any reason, so it’s a mystery. Also, is she at risk of becoming pregnant, or contracting an STI, or is she being hurt badly enough to require medical attention? This guy is pretty violent and persistent, but her encounters with him are barely described at this point, so we don’t really know what’s been going down.

Which is probably a blessing.

Edward Culen stared at me whenever he saw me at school but i just anchored him and pretended he wasnt there i was so embaresed about watt had hapenned and I hated him for the way he made me feel and the fact that he was a cheater and an ass.

Yeah, he’s like that.

I would probably have ended my life that week if it hadnt been for my lovley new freinds abbigaille rochelle and tyfanni, who were all totally cool and helped me fight off the evil chearleaders - i hadnt told my freinds aboit uncle larry and ewdard but it was nice to have some peopel who liked me anyways.

Hold up a second. There are four cheerleaders. Counting Tiaa, there are four goth girls. So why is this portrayed as some sort of unequal battle? Both groups are the same size, and I assume Tiaa’s group has an edge because she’s a Mary Sue and the Sue always has an edge, so… why haven’t they sent the cheerleaders packing yet?

I wasn’t really picked on in high school, but I was picked on lots in middle school, and it was always about numbers. I didn’t have any good friends to back me up, so I was an easy target. If it was just one kid going after me I could hold my own just fine, but when I got ganged up on there was a problem. Having a few losers hurl insults at you when you have your own crew of losers to back you up isn’t a bullying problem because there’s no power imbalance. It’s just kids being rude to each other. It’s certainly not on par with, let alone worse than, being raped by an adult man when you’re sixteen.

I sat in the cafeteira with them at lunch

"hey tiana are you doing the talent contest tonite?" rochelle asked me

Oh boy.

"no way im not good enough!" i said shyly

"omfg are you kidding! yor a AMAZIN singer your the best iv'e ever heard, no joke!" shouted Abigail

So I only vaguely remember the talent show, but I’m pretty sure what happens is that Tiaa does compete, and she wins, and Edward loses his mind over it or something. I seem to remember an encounter in Edward’s car after the talent show, too, but we’ll get to that when we get to that.

"thank you but your just being nice, im' not THAT good an even if i was i wouldn't perform. I mean i hardly want to contract more attension to myself than i already have, the whole school is all ready talking about me saying watt a freak i am. I just wanna be an average person"

"come on tiaa you HAVE to do it!" tyffanie said, "jessica and bella and the chearleaders win every time with there dumb dance routine it is so annoying, they arent even talented someone needs to teach them a lesson hun!"

"I dunno maybe" I pimpled mutely but I had no intension of actually doin it.

I feel like I’m watching a made-for-TV teen movie on Disney Channel, except this one has a lot of rape in it and also the love interest is a vampire. And the protagonist pimples mutely, whatever that means.

Later on me and my freinds sat in the crowd and wached the contest. The chearleaders did there dance ruotine and they werent that awesome, they were just wearing slutty cloths so all the guys could stare at them and cause they were popular no one was allowed to say they sucked.

On the bright side, at least Tiaa’s competition is bad so she doesn’t have to be unrealistically amazing in order to win here. On the not-so-bright side, we all know Tiaa is going to be unrealistically amazing anyway and that Bella and her friends are being made to look bad in order to ultimately break up Edward and Bella’s relationship.

At the end bella ran into edwards arms and I felt flames of jelusy burning up inside me. they kissed for a long time and although he looked at me the whole time i still wanted to cry and scream.

I would too if a guy I didn’t know that well stared at me the entire time he was making out with his girlfriend. Fuckin’ weird.

The principal caked up on the stage and said

Hang on. He caked up?

"and now for our final act...atlantiana rebeckah loren!" everyone looked at me and I was shocked

"omfg who put my fringing name down for this!" I screamed

"who knows girl just get up there !" abbie pushed me towards the stage and I went up there.

Edward put her name down for it, right? I mean, I’m guessing from context that it wasn’t one of her friends who did, even though they all encouraged her to perform. If it was Edward, though, what did he reckon she’d do? Her friends at least have heard her sing, but as far as Edward knows Tiaa’s only talent is… looking pretty, I guess.

I sang total eclipse of the heart (punkrock verson so it wasnt sappy and lame or anythin!0 and everyone watched me. I was embarased at first but everyone semed to be enjoying themselves (exept the chearleaders who looked totally mad!LOL) so I sang louder and louder and my voice soared higher than ever was like magic.

Or something.

I was waering a purple lacy top cut low enough that you could see my bra and a black skirt and purple fishnets and spiky black heels.

I mean, sure, but you just criticized the cheerleaders for dressing in revealing clothes a few paragraphs ago.

the song finished and everyone looked happy and clangled at me and i went blushing to sit on my friends

They clangled? You went to sit on your friends?

"remind me to kill wichever one of you beeches put my name down for this!-" i said but i was smiling

"LOL" shouted rochelle "it wasnt us you no!”

Yep, it was Ewdard.

"and the winner is...ATLANTIANA REBECKAH LOREN! " the principal screamed extatically.

Is the principal okay?

I went back up onto the stage and shock his hand and everyone appladed me and screamed my name except for jessica and bella who looked like they were about to kill me, lmfao.

What about the other two cheerleaders? Were they converted to Team Tiaa by all this?

My eyes strayed to where edward stood gazing baldly at me. I all most fainted right then at the sight of him looking so hawt and gorgeous. I dnt think anyone else had noticed but he had a MASSIVE erection it was so hawt and sexoy.

Both of you need to calm down.

I saw bella and jessica storming out of the room angry that i had won, and I smiled.

For real, what happened to the other two cheerleaders?

Later on i walked home happily, then a car purred up beside me. It was ewdard!

"get in the car i'll drive thee home sweet lady" he said in his beautiful old fashioned speech. I did as he told me without knowing were quiet for a minite

"you were awesome tonight, you have a stunning voice like silk and satin in the moonlight. You looked beyond beautiful up on that stage, like an old painting in a church. i wanted to charge right at u and kiss thine lips right there"

I know the author is trolling, but I love the idea that this is what teenage girls find hot — a dude who talks in anachronistic Ye Olde English and gets boners from watching you sing. Because that’s normal.

Actually, I did read a fic once that seemed to be intended as serious erotica, and one character switched into Ye Olde English as soon as the sexy stuff began. And by “sexy stuff” I mean torturing and murdering a Yu-Gi-Oh character. No accounting for taste, I guess.

he still had a huge erection and i wanted to touch it so badly but i didnt.

He’s driving, so probably best to leave that alone.

"i think BELLA might have had somethin to say about that!" i snapped "where is she neway?"

"at home sulking cause she lost the contest and had a total hissy fit and cryed for hours because thee was better than her in the contest"

At least someone is in character.

"how mature" I said sacastically. At that moment edward pulled his car to the side of the road and looked me in the touched my hand and I slapped him hard in the face

Seems a tad hypocritical when you were considering going for the dick-grab a minute ago.

'YOU WILL NEVER TOUCHE ME AGAIN U SICKO!" I wailed and kept hitting him in the face and chest "last week I fuckin BEGGED u to sex on me and you turned me down! I have never been so humilated in all my frickin LIFE! Watt the hell is wong with u? One mimite your all over me and the next its like i dnt even exist! dnt fuckin touch me. EVERR!"

All of this would be a perfectly reasonable gripe except that Tiaa acts the exact same way. I’ll cut them both a little slack — Tiaa for being sexually abused, Edward for internal conflict over whether or not to leave his girlfriend — but, come on, pot calling the kettle black.

"its complecated tiaa my lady. Im sorry i hurt thine feelings. Its just i cant resist thee, but i cant be with thy either. I never ment to drag thou into this mess, its not thee fault i totally ruin everything. Im so SO SORRY. IM DESPISABLE!"

Can’t argue with that. Mostly because “despisable” is not a word.

"its me or her "i said bluntly

"i cant make that choice tiaa - he wept

And I take it polyamory is off the table, because it always is.

"you are going to have to!"

"first thee have to tell me who thou relay are!" he said "who were thy parents?what are thee?"

"my mom dies when I was bored, I never new my father. Thats it." i said

"we BOTH no thats not the full story. Your a vampire, like me"

Though I’m glad that this fic at least avoids the cliché of having the Sue figure out that Edward’s a vampire way in advance, it seems odd that she’s given basically no thought to the possibility that he’s inhuman after he’s claimed to be a vampire multiple times.

-omfg i'm NOT a frickin vampire! I think id have noticed u total dipshit"

I’d think she’d have noticed too, but she seems incapable of noticing anything’s weird about Edward. The Ye Olde English doesn’t strike her as unusual? His looks aren’t odd? What about the change-color eyes? Mind reading? Really, dude isn’t very good at keeping up the human illusion, which is probably why he and his family typically keep their distance from humans. But there I go talking about canon.

"you don't drink human blood"- he asked

"i dont drink any blood u asshole. Is this ur idea of a joke, cos no ones laughing!" i got out of the car and ran away feeling insulted.i didnt want to see that stupid hawt jerk ever again! I went home. But i couldnt get rid of the memory of his sharp erection and deadly cold body.

Oh yeah, and the temperature thing. I know some people run cold — I’m one of them — but we’re not talking 97 degrees instead of 98; dude is probably room temperature all the time, since he’s essentially dead. Tiaa doesn’t think that’s weird and inhuman?

i cut myself and went to sleep in tears.

Like a reel goff.

Next chapter

#forbidenfruit.mst #fandom:twilight #halfworld.mst

6 notes · View notes

jess-oh · 5 years

Text

Reflection

hey God,

i just got back home at my new apartment from a MAST meeting and there’s some things i need to get off my chest that i realized i’ve been avoiding.

honestly, we’ve been a bit distant lately.

im really grateful for MAST and the people they are. and i only wish we couldve bonded on this level sooner but i am glad we’re able to do so now.

we had some deep talks during our hangout today and were very present and intentional with each other and im glad.

and when jason shared about his family, it made me realize how terrified i am to go home bc i am afraid that nothing will have changed. i love jenny and i love MAST. I love PJosh, Amanda, Jason, and Johnathan bc I dont have to worry about being a burden with them bc i do genuinely love and care for me and want the best for me. They go out of their way to take care of me and make sure im home safe and mentally okay. And I am beyond grateful. Unsun loves me. Jenny Chang loves me. Josh Henderson I think loves me. People actually care for my wellbeing here. And I don’t feel like I have that at home. Not only have I been distancing myself from my family but I’ve been distant with everyone back home in general bc i’ve been so focused on trying to make a community here. Full of people I love and trust and can rely on.

I just dont want to feel like I’m being taken for granted again and just have so many expectations upon me. To be a good daughter, to be a good sister, to do this or do that. My mom was offended I didn’t ask her to help me move to Chicago my freshman year and she only asked me if I wanted her to help me move bc she found out her friends were helping their kids move in. She didn’t ask or offer her assistance. She just expected me to ask bc she wanted to fit in with her friends and prove she was a good mother.

even with my sister, she messaged me today with an expectation of me. instead of being glad or grateful that i would be going home, she asked why i couldnt just leave later and go to lollapalooza with her. is it wrong of me to expect or hope for her to be grateful im coming home at all? why is it so terrible that i dont want to go to lollapalooza? i told her that i still encouraged her to go if we wanted to and im not standing in the way of that. and she even said my mom was willing to pay for my ticket to the concert but im already so in debt to her bc of my mission trip and i dont want to just add onto that.

im also lowkey a lil frustrated rn bc i feel like ive explained my proposal to emily on how to handle utilities 3 times already and yet, she keeps asking and assuming and my patience is starting to run thin. i dont understand why she hasnt taken my proposal seriously or done what i asked her to do. she knows i dont have a phone and seemed willing to call peoplegas herself at first so i dont understand why shes being stubborn about doing it now.

sigh

anyway, in the car today while johnathan was driving me home to my new apartment, he asked what my thoughts on the whole topic were bc i had remained pretty quiet throughout it all. which i did. partly bc i just wanted to listen and be present and not feel the need to say what i think is “right” or the “best answer” and also bc i could never find a good opportunity to enter the conversation without interrupting someone else. and i confessed that at least on the topic of christians vs non-christians, i understood why jason would feel closer to non-christians bc of that expectation that christian communities have. i grew up in the church, yes. But I didn’t meet Christ until the end of 7th grade. And then I was temporarily on a spiritual high but struggled a lot my freshman year of high school and eventually just didnt see it as a priority or a reason to attend at all during my sophomore and junior years. And senior year, I tried to be open and honest and ended up feeling betrayed by James and tbh, im still a little triggered whenever I hear that name. Regardless of who it’s actually referring to and the context behind it. But that is when I came back to God bc I did feel a sense of community and belongingness with my Guatemala team. At least at first. I definitely felt it with Judy and Grace and I was glad to be there with them. But whenever I’ve come home and far too often, I feel like I have to try so hard just to be a part of the community at all and have to try to go to them so I have anyone in my life that I can rely on. Even when it comes to games, I’m often excluded and ignored bc I don’t fit the “standard” or cultural norm. And no one wants to be excluded or outcasted. We’re all insecure about ourselves but bc everyone is too afraid, no one reaches out to those that are left out and they all eventually leave bc they dont feel a sense of community. it’s a toxic culture and i dont want to go back. but yeah, i didnt come back to Christ until my senior year of high school and even then, it was just gaining a deeper understanding of Him through the Word and practical exercises. But mostly from mission training tbh and just being able to get closer with my team. so during that time when i was away from the church, i relied on my non-christian friends and they were the ones that were there for me when things got rough. i was honestly miserable at home and i couldnt handle it on my own and they were there to help me and listen to me and talk to me and be there for me. not my church friends. with them, i just felt betrayed. i tried to reach out to james, only to find out he and the rest of the guys had been gossiping about me behind my back when i so hopefully believed that we were getting closer and on our way to being friends. im shocked whenever people acknowledge my voice and im not ignored bc im so used to that culture and environment. ive tried to cry out to God and while i havent heard these things about me directly, i have heard many people complaining about people singing too loudly or not singing well enough and how it was annoying or keeping them from going to God. And I am so scarred by that toxic culture and behavior and bc that’s the only church I ever knew growing up, it’s affected how I perceive church in general now. And with church, there’s a certain expectation to be a better person and actively try to be more Christlike which I do but bc of that, I feel like I can’t make mistakes and have to meet that expectation which just leads me back down the path of perceiving serving as an obligation and work and a burden and something i have to do instead of doing it bc i genuinely care and want to serve God by serving them. It is so easy for me to cultivate deeper relationships with my school friends and really care for them bc there is no expectation for me to do anything. But because I genuinely care, I am able to reach out to them and make sure they’re doing okay and provide my help and services in any way that i can. with church, im almost forced and expected to reach out and be a good Christian and do everything right.

I know P. Josh knows my character and who I am and loves me for me but every single time I fall back into this mindset of serving bc I feel like I have to serve and I’m being defined by that, I am afraid to tell him and be honest about it bc I know he said previously he’d be weary of someone joining MAST bc they defined themselves by how they serve and I don’t want him to kick me out of MAST bc that’s what I’ve become. And I keep beating myself up over falling back into this place and this habit because I so desperately don’t want to lose this community and this little family that I have here and people that I do love and trust and rely upon so much. I don’t want to disappoint him. I can’t bear to.

And even at my home church, I never felt like I could speak ill of my parents or vent about what I was going through with them bc my dad was so heavily involved in the church. Everyone knew who he was and I didn’t want to soil his name. I had to be a good Christian and uphold his reputation as his daughter.

But I hated being defined as “Marty’s daughter” or “Loren’s sister.” I just wanted to be known as Jessica Oh. I wanted to be known as me for me.

And I know I’ve made mistakes at my home church and bc they came back to haunt me later during my high school career, I’m afraid they’ll never go away hear. I made a lot of mistakes my sophomore year and I’ve grown a lot since then. But I’m worried people haven’t forgotten about the mistakes I’ve made and relationships I once had are irreparable bc of things I said or did that I didn’t realize in the moment was wrong. I can’t be fully honest or trust the community with who I am bc I feel like I have to be perfect all the time bc of the expectation and pressure placed upon me. And it’s crippling. It’s a fear that is crippling and I can’t fully handle. I’m letting it stop me from really coming before Christ and being honest with Him and growing as a community bc of my love for Him and yearn to serve Him.

but...it’s definitely tough.

i started crying in the car. i didnt think i would but i really am in a lot of pain over this. i just hope it gets resolved soon.

but anyway, thank you God for providing us with the space and opportunity to share our thoughts and go deeper with each other. it was much needed and meant a lot to me and i do really love them all so much.

thank you, God.

oh last thing—the reason ive never really shared all this with jason in the past is bc i know his own relationship with his family is tense and he cant help me or give any advice on how to solve this issue bc he himself does not know.

but yeah.

thank you, God.

#reflection

0 notes

faegrifted · 6 years

Text

SHIPPING INFO | ABOUT MUN. REPOST DON’T REBLOG

✧ WHAT’S YOUR OTP FOR YOUR MUSE ?

Honestly, At this point just for how much plotting and development has been put into them via threads and ooc chats I’d have to say Airn x Kenzi (Re;;Sing me a song of a lass that is gone) @therisingtempest . I just have so much fun with this pairing and their story together thus far has been nothing short of delightful to write with Loren. That and the hours of back and forth between me and her just talking about these two and theorizing potential adventures and things to come to full on au verse building like!!!! Everything about this ship is what makes me enjoy shipping so much. Its just so much fun when done right even when the muses involved break your heart and make you cry and such is the case of Airn and Kenzi. ...And even if its not them, you can just assume any ship I have with Loren owns my soul at this point.

✧ WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO RP WHEN IT COMES TO SHIPPING ?

My dudes if you can imagine it I’m probably down to thread it. Though darker content or just anything that one would just assume tag as a warning would have to be talked about extensively and plotted beforehand.

✧ HOW LARGE DOES THE AGE GAP HAVE TO BE TO MAKE IT UNCOMFORTABLE ?

Kenzi is….leery of dating those younger than her and I set her being 19 at the start of the series and 25 by series end. She’s not likely to have a romantic relationship with anyone younger than her for reasons just regarding some stuff she saw and experienced while living her teens on the streets. I’m not ruling it out completely but..., anyone even a year or two younger then her is gonna be asking for a slow burn that last years. That being said she hangs with beings whose lifespans reach into centuries, so…. I’m gonna say if you’re mortal 13 years her senior is probably the oldest she’ll go but if you’re an immortal being the skies the limit. Note: This obviously won’t apply to Kenzi’s teen verse even if she’s of age cause NO.

✧ ARE YOU SELECTIVE WHEN SHIPPING ?:

I certainly like to state so in my rules so people know what they’re getting into with me. But tbh I don’t think I’m any more selective about ships than anyone I currently write with? I mean it when I say there has to be chemistry. And when I say chemistry I don’t mean both parties have to be immediately aware that they could be attracted to one another in that way. when I say chemistry I mean there has to be viable potential for a ship of some kind, enough so that I’m comfortable discussing possibilities of that nature with my partner, Kenzi is forever going to be a slow-burn girl. I don’t even plan on shipping her with any of her canon love interests without some build up and discussion beforehand and even then if my muse isn’t feeling it then it’s not going to happen. I portray Kenzi as being demisexual and PICKY, sexual attraction doesn’t happen for her outside a genuine connection to a person. She can find someone attractive but the girl needs more than a pretty face for romantic feelings/or sexual interest to occur and that takes time. Outside of that aspect, Kenzi is…., difficult when it comes to love due to both canon circumstances as well as her nature in how I’ve chosen to portray her. All that being said though I for one really enjoy talking with my partners about potential ships and enjoy discussing where things could lead so!? I don’t think I’m selective so much as Kenzi forces selectivity and at the end of the day it's ultimately up to her. And tbh considering the ships I have more than fulfill me so I’m not exactly looking? Open to the possibility, but not looking for it currently.

✧ HOW FAR DO STEAMY MOMENTS HAVE TO GO BEFORE THEY’RE CONSIDERED NSFW?

If anything is happening in the thread that would normally merit being tagged as NSFW if it were a visual such as a picture or a gif than its ok to assume I probably consider it as such and I’ll probably be tagging it so to make sure people can block/blacklist accordingly if need be for their comfort or safety. More specifically if anything sexually graphic is being written or if there is nudity happening, I’m gonna tag it as NSFW.

✧ WHO ARE OTHER MUSES YOU SHIP YOUR MUSE WITH ?

Currently? @addictusadpotentiam @deadlynxghtshade @skeletcnkey @stemsurvivor @devilhybrid

✧ DOES ONE HAVE TO ASK TO SHIP WITH YOU ?

Something of that sort would be nice? I mean its gonna be a bit weird if we haven’t even really interacted and you mention shipping our muses but if we know each other well enough ooc and there’s been some interaction and some amount of prior discussion between another mun and myself then I’m totally open to discussion ship potential be it romantic/platonic/or anything else. Again though, ultimately it’s not up to me, it’s up to Kenzi. Because, again, Kenzi is… difficult when it comes to relationships. She spooks easy and the person themselves has to be capable of handling the stuff that tends to be a regular occurrence in her life. Aka her travels, plus the supernatural and all the dangers that come with that.

✧ HOW OFTEN DO YOU LIKE TO SHIP ?:

As often as it happens tbh.

✧ ARE YOU SHIP OBSESSED OR SHIP MORE-OR-LESS ? :

I wouldn't say ship obsessed no. Ship positive maybe but not obsessed.

✧ ARE YOU MULTISHIP ?

Yes, Kenzi remains multiship, I don't see that changing anytime soon but one day perhaps.

✧ WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE SHIP(S) IN YOUR CURRENT FANDOM ?

Ummmm romantically or? Cause the brotp between her and Bo will forever rule my ass. But I actually enjoyed every ship Kenzi has in the series. I talk a lot of shit about it but I did enjoy her and Hale in the early seasons. I get salty because the build of them was beautiful and I loved it up until it actually happened because it was rushed and just didn't feel or look right and instead of fixing it they took it away. Her friendship with both Dyson and Tamsin kinda wrecks me to tbh.

✧ FINALLY, HOW DOES ONE SHIP WITH YOU ?:

Being friends, having decent chemistry and plotting skills. Anyone who I’m comfortable talking with and can match me in plot and verse building has a good chance of shipping with me so long as they’re open about it and communicate that’s something they’d enjoy exploring the potential of. I mean--- I love shipping, I really do and so long as there is chemistry between both the muses and ooc then there’s a good chance I’m going to be open to shipping with you be it romantic or platonic or anything else! I am a literal ship hoe peeps. Sometimes things might work out with Kenzi in that way and at other times it won’t, the only sure thing is that some ooc discussion will probably have to happen so if that’s something you’re interested in not only should your muse have some amount of patience but you better like me enough to be willing to come into my IM and scream at me about our babs and be ok with me screaming back <3.

TAGGING: @stemsurvivor , @therisingtempest , @thereforall , @airanddarkness, @thecatsidhe , @nicolettv , @devilhybrid , @inprector ,@rcmcdium , @skeletcnkey , HONESTLY ANYONE WHO WANTS TO DO THIS AND HASNT BEEN TAGGED YET GO AHEAD AND STEAL IT FROM ME OK ITS FUN AND GOOD KNOWLEDGE TAGGED BY: snagged it from @wholehcartedly <3

#🌻 ooc;; ❛ i am but a sensitive pillar of salt. ❜#🌻 Rp Policy;; ❛ I’m not normally one for rules #however. ❜

2 notes · View notes