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jamespotterthefirst · 4 years ago

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Enchant Me

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Lilac Allende) Word count: 2.5K (sorry!) Warning: None Author’s Note: AU where Ethan is the one asking MC questions for the fMRI scan (book 1, ch 6).

Catch up here.

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Green eyes meet his briefly before hurriedly glancing away, the movement so fleeting that he could have attributed it to his imagination. Except, the way his stomach flutters as a result is very real and very annoying to Ethan. When at last he forces his treasonous mind to the task at hand, he determines she is nervous, the tense energy radiating from her almost palpable in the bright imaging lab.

Guilt takes root in his stomach as he begins to regret asking this of her. The flimsy request for her help, blurted out after he reluctantly turned down her party invitation, seems downright embarrassing now. What the hell had he been thinking?

He pauses to consider that therein lies the problem: He hadn't been thinking. What a dangerous and inane side effect of being in her presence. What a humbling yet disconcerting notion that all it takes to disarm an intelligent, highly educated man is a pair of clever, emerald eyes, a lovely dusting of freckles, and a pretty smile.

Ethan opens his mouth to offer himself up as the subject instead, but Lilac gives him a brave, determined half smile. Her cheeks flush and he can see the visible effort she spends in getting the words out. “There is no dignified way of saying this, so please don't fire me,” she begins, not looking at him.

“I won't fire you for changing your mind, Rookie.”

Lilac shakes her head. “It's not that. It's just that I'll need an injection of the magnetic contrast media…” Her eyes swivel to meet his pointedly, as though expecting him to catch her meaning from it.

Ethan is not following and that much must be evident in his face because she sighs.

“I can't have any metal on me,” she continues, face growing bright pink to the root of her dark hair. “So I'll have to remove my bra.”

Silence.

“I… Erm... That's…” Ethan's ears flare with heat, his throat feeling suddenly dry. “That's true. I'll leave the room.”

“No need,” she assures him, already peeling off her coat. Before Ethan can even react, she reaches behind her back and under her blouse.

He is momentarily frozen, eyes watching her expertly work the clasps, before hastily turning his back on her and busying himself with the gadolinium. The way his heart clamors wildly at his ears is guarantee enough of the sinful thoughts his mind will torture him with later, thoughts of Lilac undressing in many different ways for him.

Get it together, Ramsey.

“I'm ready,” she announces to his sheer relief.

That relief is short-lived, however, when his eyes catch a glimpse of the lacy, bright red garment on the floor, unsuccessfully concealed by her discarded lab coat. Every inch of his traitorous body reacts on sight, reducing him to just another weak-willed man, uninhibited by the mere sight of a bra.

Lilac, meanwhile, watches him from where she lays on the table, decent enough in her loose fitting blouse. That lopsided smirk of hers makes a reappearance and it only makes his thoughts sputter further.

“Stay still,” he manages to instruct, his voice quiet and gentle.

When his fingers palpate the veins in her arms, Ethan struggles to think of much else but the feel of her soft skin against his, incinerating his fingertips. He makes the mistake of meeting her eyes, finding that all traces of humor are long gone as she watches him, lips slightly parted. A white hot current of tension crackles between them, dangerous and capable of consuming him whole. With a surge of recklessness, he finds that he wants it to. The blazing look she fixes him with makes Ethan wonder if she wants it too.

Swallowing hard, Ethan forces himself to glance away.

After a brief pause, she teases, “You do know how to perform an intravenous injection, don't you?”

“Ha. Ha,” he returns sarcastically. Her own genuine laughter rings around the imaging lab.

Ethan injects her with ease and presses the button to slide the table inside the magnet enclosure, hiding that infuriatingly distracting smile from view. Soon after, he sits at the workstation, checking on Lilac through the glass and powering up the magnet.

“How's it looking up there, Doc?”

“Like a brain,” he says dryly.

“So...average?”

“Very average.”

“Ouch.”

Ethan allows a resigned grin, shaking his head and feeling a wide lightness spread in his chest. Silence ensues after their banter and he realizes she waits for his question.

A thrill shoots through his core at the ocean of possibilities before him. At last, he can catch a true glimpse of the mystery she has proven to be. Isn't that what he longs to know the most ? Isn't the enigma that is Lilac Allende the true allure for him? Isn't that the reason he can't stop thinking about her?

He can ask anything, and finally know the answer.

“Do you prefer cats or dogs?”

There is an anticlimactic pause and Ethan wants to slam his head against the console.

Really, Ethan? Cats or dogs?

Lilac is silent, so silent Ethan wonders if the speaker system is working.

“That's the type of question you have for me?”

Ethan rolls his eyes. “Just answer it, Rookie.”

The image shows activity in the temporal lobe at the use of the nickname.

“I like them both,” she answers before Ethan can interpret the previous reading. “Though dogs tend to love me almost instantly.”

An uninvited mental image of Jenner, paws on her chest, tail wagging at blurring speed upon meeting her, crosses his mind. Ethan dismisses it as an impossibility, unable to think of a scenario where both creatures would meet.

“We have a family dog back in LA named Lobo,” she continues.

“Wolf?”

“The third,” she adds cheerfully. “My parents name all of our dogs Lobo or Oso.”

The memory elicits notable activity in the hippocampus. Ethan is unable to see her face but he finds the reminiscent lull of her voice utterly endearing. Catching his own reaction with a flare of annoyance, he dismisses it, clears his throat, and moves on to the next question.

“What inspired you to become a doctor?”

The longest pause yet befalls them. Already there is activity in the right temporal cortex, peaking his own curiosity. Every second that she doesn't answer is agony.

Finally, she says, “Pass.”

“Excuse me?”

“I pass on this question. I plead the fifth.”

“Overruled.”

“You can't do that,” she protests, though he can hear the laughter in her voice.

“Just answer the question, Rookie.”

There is a loaded, tense silence that slowly tapers to a boiling point, then—

“You.”

Ethan blinks, speechless.

“Don't you remember?” she says, an edge of embarrassment dripping from her voice. “You signed Landry's book for me.”

“Who?” he blurts out. Not waiting for an answer, he asks, “Wait, so you didn't keep that book, Rookie? I am offended.”

“No, my copy is much more worn, annotated, and well-loved,” she explains with a chuckle.

A small whirlwind of emotions takes root in Ethan, who is still at a loss for words.

“In a literal sense, your research inspired me to go to med school,” she continues, interpreting his silence as encouragement to go on. “I read your book from cover to cover as an undergrad and was so inspired, for once in my life I knew where I had to go. I wanted to be here, at Edenbrook, working alongside the best.”

Ethan's throat is tight as he listens, the activity in the scan completely forgotten.

“The more sentimental reason I was inspired to be a doctor is, of course, my parents.” Lilac pauses and clears her throat as a pretense. “They– They came to this country in pursuit of a better life, leaving their family and everyone they loved behind. All to be in a brand new place, not knowing the language or the culture, often taking up backbreaking jobs for miserable pay...to be looked down by many as inferior. All that sacrifice, for us.” Her voice cracks at the last few words. It takes her a moment to recover. “That sacrifice drove me through my worst days in medical school. It's what drives me today.”

She says this with a renewed, fierce pride that evokes a surge of admiration from him. It tears through his chest unlike anything he has ever experienced before, but then again, she is unlike anything he had ever seen before. Wildly, he wishes they were sharing something so precious face to face. His hand flexes reflexively as his mind imagines sweeping a thumb across the ridge of her cheekbone.

“If not a doctor, what career would you have chosen?” He is surprised by the gentleness of his own voice, the sound foreign to his ears.

When she speaks, she sounds almost like her usual, cheeky self. “A beauty guru.”

“A what?”

“It's people online filming their makeup routines.”

Ethan has never heard of anything so pointless in his life. “Be serious.”

“I am! There might still be some videos online of my failed attempts,” she says, laughing. “But in terms of a realistic career, I would've probably chosen to be a homicide detective or a forensic pathologist.”

He raises his eyebrows at this, stunned for a moment at their shared interest in detective work. “Why?”

Lilac mulls over her answer in a characteristic silence. “Obviously, there is the allure of gathering evidence and solving a mystery.” A deliberate pause, then—“But I always thought that was a bit selfish.”

“Selfish?”

Ethan can't help the outburst. After all, connecting the pieces of an unknown puzzle is precisely why he once considered that career.

“Yes, some doctors want to deliver the perfect diagnosis in a self-congratulatory way. To help the patient, yes, but to walk away with the gratification of having conquered a mystery.”

His itch to argue is quelled by his curiosity and so he says nothing.

“I wanted to be a detective to solve the mystery as a way to fight for the voiceless.” Her voice drops to almost a whisper as she admits this. With a rush of satisfaction, Ethan realizes he is probably the first one hearing this reasoning. “There is something sick about being able to name notorious serial killers without a problem, but we can't do the same for their victims. They are the ones whose stories should be told, whose memories should be celebrated. They are the ones who deserve the accolades and the justice of finally solving that mystery.”

Ethan has no rebuttal for the first time in his life.

As his brain struggles to reconcile the young doctor's words with the inexplicable thundering of his pulse, Lilac laughs.

“No offense, Dr. Ramsey, but I was expecting a different line of questioning here.”

Ethan forces himself to recover. “How so?”

“If I were asking you questions, I'd be a lot noisier,” she says, unabashed.

Ethan allows a chuckle. “That's not surprising,” he comments. “What type of questions would you be asking?”

“I don't know…” She trails off pensively. “Maybe your type?”

Ethan's mouth goes slack. He recovers enough to say something, though he is not sure what. Luckily, he doesn't have to know because she continues, “I'd definitely ask about relationships, past and current.”

By this point, his heartbeat is an uproar in his hearing. The brash comments should be concerning coming from a subordinate but he feels like a fraud when he considers chastising her. Though he would never admit it out loud, the answers to those questions intrigue him to the point of restlessness.

“Fine,” he allows quietly. “Answer those.”

A surprised little laugh comes through the speakers. “Really?”

“Yes, let the record show this was your idea, Rookie,” he says in what he hopes is a casual tone. “What was the first one you mentioned? Ah, yes—What's your type?”

The image of her brain activity, which Ethan had forgotten to glance at until that moment, lights up at the amygdala. An emotional response.

He can sense the reluctance in her silence.

“Tall. Definitely taller than me,” she begins at long last, her voice dignified, as though she is forcing herself to push past any bashfulness. “Dark hair.”

The answer is exasperatingly vague. The descriptors easily fit the surgical intern he saw her kiss all those weeks ago and the muscular paramedic who glances at her with besotted eyes every chance he gets.

“Intelligent,” she continues.

The diagnostician in him almost discounts Lahela on the sole basis of being a surgical intern.

Lilac clears her throat so subtly, he almost attributes it to static in the speakers. “Someone with a dry sense of humor and sarcastic to a fault,” she says, a lot softer now. “Someone who can keep me on my toes.”

The scan displays activity in the frontal lobe, similar to what he saw when he called her “Rookie”. The small media room, despite having the air conditioner at full blast, feels suddenly sweltering.

“What did I say next for my questions?” she asks, saving his mind from traveling a dangerous path.

“Relationships.”

“Right,” she says with an exhale.

Ethan says nothing, afraid even the slightest sound will discourage her.

“Past relationships are… complicated and mercifully ancient history.” On his screen, he sees the most activity yet. A visible reaction in the right hippocampus, the amygdala, both sides of the prefrontal cortex, and the insular cortex— undeniable anger.

Lilac, however, does not elaborate any further. Instead, she hurries on, “Current relationships are also complicated, frustrating, and nonexistent.”

The words hang between them, like a pendulum. He is convinced they carry more meaning but Ethan's own brain feels abuzz with activity, too tumultuous to formulate follow up questions. When his eyes fall on the clock, he notes they have been at this for almost an hour.

“I think we're done here,” he says.

He leaves the media room, deliberately pausing outside the imaging lab to give Lilac enough time to put all of her clothes back on. By the time he enters the room, she is throwing on her coat, hands raking through her shiny hair.

“Everything working okay?”

“Like a charm,” he responds, mind still spinning.

An incessant stab of dread begins to pierce through him as they prepare to go back to work. His mind wanders to Naveen, weak and alone in his room, and icy twines of fear take root deep in Ethan’s stomach once again.

“Thank you… for the assistance.”

Lilac flashes him an easy smile. “Any time.”

Ethan manages an awkward nod turning to leave. Something powerful holds him back before he can take another step. As full fledged panic about facing Naveen's new symptoms grips him, he wants nothing more than to confide in her.

He stops and turns to face her.

Lilac tilts her head to one side, watching him curiously.

The magnitude of what he is about to do hits him like a train and his newfound courage vanishes at once. With a grimace, he waves the idea off and exits the room.

______

Author’s Note: A HUGE thank you to everyone who sent me questions Ethan could ask. I tried my best to include them here.

“Do you prefer cats or dogs?”-- @drethanramslay

“What inspired you to become a doctor?” -- Anon and @scorpiochick8

“If not a doctor, what career would you have chosen?” @scorpiochick8

The not so subtle questions about her love life-- @eramsey28

Answering the career question wit banter, then with a serious answer. -- @whippedforethanramsey

Ethan’s slightly jealous thoughts about Bryce and Raf-- @schnitzelbutterfingers

Sorry if I didn’t include all requests! This would have been 20 pages long if I hadn’t trimmed some of it lol.

I swapped some of the dialogue from the original. Also, I’m so sorry to @takeharryandgo for the horrible brain science here. Forgive me, Doc.

What Lilac said about her parents is exactly how I feel about mine. So I just had to include that here.

Finally, I intend to continue these from Ethan’s POV. However, for personal reasons, I will keep my next few projects under wraps.

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@dulceghernandez | @lion-ess24 | @emotionalswift2 | @the-soot-sprite |

#open heart #ethan ramsey #ethan x mc #playchoices #My writing

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finalfantasy7 · 3 years ago

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Letting go

Despite all the crying, all the pain, all the disappointment that came from that little bookstore, I’m still scared of letting it go. Honest to god afraid of allowing it to become a distant memory where I can barely make out most of the details.

Little did I know going in I would barely register as a real job, strictly viewing it as a seasonal gig, only to leave it with bleeding heart strings.

I remember how at first I didn’t allow myself to see it as a long term gig, not after only staying as a seasonal at a previous location (a decision that admittedly ended up being a strike against my confidence). And yet, as the holiday season came closer to ending, the more anxious I became about being kept on passed the holiday season. It only became worse as I started to bond with the team there. Everyone and everything seemed to click. I very quickly found myself in a new “comfort zone” and much like love, it’s beautiful to experience and even scarier to lose.

What I failed to realize until now, was I had personally laid down the structure of the home I now associate with that environment. Yes, my colleagues were each as warm as they were individuals; each carrying a back full of personalized arrows and hearts full of dreams and fears alike. But looking back, so many of them highlighted how their kindness was not cheap and for some, certainly wasn’t free.

I now understand what [redacted] means when she says I seem to be the “glue” between people. A substance whose sole purpose is to hold things together and tightly at that. That being said, there are few cases of universal glue. No, in fact there’s specific types of glue for specific materials. I am nowhere near being a universal glue but I seem to be a decent brand for people…or at least those who can afford to be a bit vulnerable and honest.

To this day I will rave about my former coworkers, even more so about the ones I still keep in contact with today. But I’m now starting to see that the bookstore was home to me for a bit BECAUSE I made it home. I could have come in day in and day out and never looked back but I didn’t, at the time it almost felt like I couldn’t. How could I? When a small, insecure being was being suddenly labeled with tags and titles they had never heard before.

I wasn’t “[dead name]” when I stepped through those blue doors but “Finn Acosta”. Nor longer was I this lost entity, a ball of failure, fears and anxieties. No, I was now “Finn”; an attractive, fashionable leader who always seemed to “really see” people for who they were. But even at the time these words read hollow, not because I didn’t believe the genuine sentiment behind them but simply because I didn’t see that person looking back at me in the mirror. They unfortunately went from compliments to a heavy mask I felt I needed to wear, to proudly carry and maintain lest I seek to disappoint everyone.

There was a time period when “life was good” at work. I had recently been hired and I was hungry. You wanted to teach me how to make a table? Let’s do it. Need help with overnight inventory? Something I’ve never done before? I’m game. Wanna teach me how to rearrange every decorative piece on a table? Can’t wait. I suppose this time period could accurately be labeled as “Finn was bubbly” here or at least that’s how one manager described it when discussing how much I had changed by the end of my bookstore career. Managers seem to like this time period as much as I did. I used to think I was happy here and I suppose I was and yet, looking back it all seems so Illusionary? Perhaps our image of happiness changes more throughout our lives than we’d like to admit. But here I was in a relationship which I believed at the time was perfect, was in a workplace I believed was perfect and was starting to carry a new outlook of myself I had, you guessed it, deemed as perfect.

I sometimes wonder if I had the opportunity would I go back in time and warn that version of myself about the storm that was starting to brew? No, I don’t think I would. Even with the knowledge I have now, nothing could have prepared me for what was about to unfold, not really. Plus, who am I to rip off those rose coloured glasses off my past self- she was genuinely as happy as she could have been. I feel weirdly maternal towards that person. I know they were doing their best….unfortunately their best would soon be crushed by reality, more specifically, the flaws and beauty of what it means to be human.

Now going into my second year of psyche I can confidently say reading about humans and experiencing them are very different. To read about projection and have it’s description neatly grouped in small bullet points is very different from someone angrily shutting down your greeting because they’re having a bad day. I experienced a lot of projection at work and equally threw in my own.

It’s fascinating to think I experienced both appreciation and questioning of personality all at once in the same environment. I would be commended on how understanding I could be but equally questioned on how I couldn’t view things as more black and white the same people. How could you see only grays, is what I’d heard in my mind. Where was the fire? Where was the anger? Did it mean I didn’t care? Perhaps I simply didn’t give enough thought to these topics? But that wasn’t the case at all. For months on end I would ruminate about work; everything from issues of health and safety, union processing, to the well being of my coworkers.

This was my pack and I needed to care for it as best as I could…so I did. Someone didn’t feel comfortable addressing concerns to management? I’d do it for them. Let me check in with everyone I saw to see how they were. You look tired, allow me to buy you a coffee. Let me send out feedback forms to see what people need. Remember, each and everyone one of you matters and deserves nothing but care. Oh wait, management is also made up of human beings so I should also extend all this to them. Let me do this, let me do that, I will do this, I will do that. Eventually I became a husk of the person I started off at the beginning of the year. I felt bitter and broken. To put it frankly, I was exhausted.

I’ve never broken down so much in a place of work. I would sit in the corner of the washroom and cry (not too much so we couldn’t stop but enough to get a good sob out). No one ever knew. I know because I’ve now highlighted this to a few former coworkers and they each wear the same look of surprise, sadness and empathy. But why the tears? It was just a part time job and it was…until it wasn’t. Somewhere along the way this part time job truly became something else. I went from clocking in and out, to bringing every person who worked with me home. I packed up their fears in a precious bag and wore it around, how couldn’t I? They were afraid and I was used to carrying around people’s emotions with me. I was even better at wearing a bright toothy smile that hid my own emotions.

At some point I stopped being a CER and started to be..well..I suppose glue. But remember what I said earlier about different types of glue for different materials? Well, you see- management wasn’t particularly fond of the type of glue I was, at least a majority of them didn’t seem to be. You see in the eyes of my leaders, I WAS someone who was just clocking in and out and they weren’t happy with this. You see, the company preferred the type of glue that bonded workers and the company’s “vision”. Workers that were so bonded with that vision that it became almost indistinguishable of where the person started and the sales pitch ended. They wanted you to take work home with you, just not in the way I did. Ironically, because of this I was rated as a low performer; because I didn’t care enough, when all of my peers were telling me the opposite.

But there it was, the other shoe had finally fallen and little Finn isn’t as sturdy as they seem. No, in fact, I remember running out of the performance review in tears, rushing past my coworkers as I digested being told I was a failure (another notch to add to the belt). It’s true when they say, sometimes it’s not the information itself but how it’s delivered. I felt ganged up in the review; mine being the only that required the GM to be present (more like be the one who conducted it but I digress). My mind had completely shut down as my superiors watched me shrink into myself, using the little energy I had to not break down and cry. The surrealism of them joking around about not being able to find a seat in the mall to conduct the review as my mind turned into static. They told me I had “really up days and really down days”, a sentence that may as well be a death sentence if you deal with a form of mental illness. They noticed, they noticed I wasn’t neurotypical, that I was different and not in a good way. You know what hurts the most? These two women were part of a moment of trauma for me and they didn’t even try- for them it was just another day at work. They’ll never know how I spent the next few months psychoanalyzing myself, speaking with professionals to help me find “what I did wrong?”, “why was I a failure?”.

After months of pouring every bit of energy I had towards my team I was told I wasn’t good enough. A part of me wishes I could send this letter to those women, to show them “look what you did to me”. But I feel it would give them another opportunity to dismiss me when I’m most vulnerable, a moment similar to when they glossed over my anxiety disorder, chalking it up to, “I think we’re all anxious right now”. At the end of everything I’m more hurt than bitter. I’m not a manager, I’m not a leader but I know I would never put someone in such a situation and at the very least I can sleep at night knowing that.

To say my time at the bookstore was a learning experience would be an understatement. One day I was at cash dealing with a customer who clearly wasn’t having a good day and I decided then and there, I needed to leave. So, I finally ripped the rose coloured glasses off and decided to give my two weeks. Those two weeks were the least stressed I had been the entire year. Ironically, I had to leave the bookstore to finally take to heart the kind words that were told to me in it. I remember how I was told at my previous location how incredible it was of how many interpersonal relationships I had made in the short amount of time and it looks like here was no different….but it was. I’m now permanently leaving this company behind and realizing if this is what I can do with a few months, a year, imagine what I can do in a permanent career setting? I think I’ll be just fine; not because I’m “Finn”, not because I’m glue but because I try and maybe, just maybe, that’s enough.

#mine #letting go

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marstonheir · 4 years ago

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@ciniis

cassidy doesn’t remember a time when she didn’t feel the pull of darkness. when her mother’s light magic, didn’t feel right, or like it was enough. even as a toddler her first spells had been breathed to life by chaos. when she was eight and the brand burned into the flesh of her foot, she didn’t scream and later when she limped through a ring of hellfire she did so without fear. for it was the marston way of life. as far back as her family tree went they sought power by any means necessary, even being so careless as to start the witch trials. and cassidy...well she wanted more.

her mother’s angelic blood had tainted her own magic, and whenever cassidy used a particularly dark spell she could feel her body fighting against her. even shifting into a wolf was especially painful due to the dark nature of the magic that had allowed the marston coven to become the marston pack. it is only when she sees a picture in an old bestiary, one created by her ancestors that everything makes sense.

so at sixteen years old she runs away for a week and kills someone in cold blood, triggering her ability to shift and cementing her place in the world as a marston witch, a dark witch. with hellfire and the blood of an innocent, she builds an altar to this picture with no name and calls on the power of the demon portrayed, pledging her fealty to him. it is only years later that she sees a similar image with a name next to it, and cassidy knows she was right.

over the years she builds altars, practices spells and works on honing her abilities. become more and more adept at understanding dark magic and trying to find a way to purge the light from her blood. no matter what shifting is still painful and the darker the magic the more pain she ends up in. at twenty when a spell nearly kills her, she decides that enough if enough. leaving home to who her family had once believed the be the devil himself, a demon she now knows is called cinis.

with a bag on her back, a significant portion of traveling is done shifted as a wolf, allowing her to travel farther faster. only at night does she perform dark spells, using the light of the moon and the blood of the innocents to continue to track down the great demon from whom she is sure her powers originate. her family’s grimoires are stored in a pocket dimension, ready to offer them all and prove herself to cinis should she need to. the closer she gets to him, the more she feels a pull, every part of her body aching with the need to find him. a feeling or devotion and protecting she can only remember feeling when her baby sisters were first born.

it’s just after a full moon when cassidy feels the pull stop. shifting back, her bones snap and pop loudly and she dresses gently. a warm cloak is pulled around her to protect from the winter night, and as she moves towards a cave, she can feel that this is where she needs to be. suddenly frozen at the power coming from up ahead, she takes a deep breath and tries to not let her voice waver. pulling the image she had found all those years ago from her bag along with a ceremonial knife, she places it gently on the ground within a pool of moon light and slices her palm open.

“to the great demon cinis,” she breathes out, fist clenched as the blood soaks the image of him. “my name is cassidy marston and i have been searching for you for the past year, but truly i felt your power and have been loyal to you since i was a mere child. i am here to pledge my loyalty to you and to offer my life in service. i come from a family of witches and wolves that have long worshipped you and called on you for power. it is because of you and your strength that i am able to use such dark magics and wield hellfire, and for that i thank you.” cassidy takes a soft breath and wordlessly, the blood spilling from her hand shifts into hellfire falling to the ground and burning the blood soaked image as she raises her head to peer into the cave ahead of her.

“i pledge my life and my loyalty to you great demon.” the words leave her mouth and the fire stops, leaving her blood and the image burning on the ground. the words felt weak leaving her, but she isn’t sure of what else to say and prays that her words were enough to appease him.

#December 2nd 2020 #ciniis

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fmdminhee · 3 years ago

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task. #famedrstask1.

notes: word counts are included with each individual answer! completed for +5 tracker points.

assuming your muse has changed in some way, be it internally or as a result of a change of the external factors around them, how is your muse different? these can be as small as an opinion on a song they hadn’t released previously or as big as a major change in their background. word count: 261.

minhee’s childhood prior to becoming a trainee is pretty much the exact same as before the restructuring. dance prodigy says fuck u crazy dance mom, i’m not gonna be maddie ziegler, and ends up becoming an idol. she started training a year earlier than before though, so she had a slightly longer training process! i think the most obvious change to everyone else is her faceclaim, which is now lee hyeri. buuuut if you take a look at her pages or app or anything else, you’ll see that she’s now a main dancer, lead vocal & rapper, rather than being a main dancer, lead rapper & vocal! this was sort of a selfish change on my part, because i wanted to open her up to some opportunities for solo work that wouldn’t have suited her before because of her position, but that would’ve fitted more along the lines of what i initially imagined for her image than the options actually available to her. she’s also been a lot happier for a lot longer, because instead of debuting with a concept she hated, minhee got to debut in ... an age appropriate group! if you look here, you can see some examples of what i thought of when thinking of minhee’s ideal group and ... yeah, lily lines up with that pretty well. not perfectly, but pretty well. she’s still dealing with her issues surrounding her family, her sexuality and her fear of aging, but for the most part, minhee’s a lot more settled, or even satisfied, in terms of her career.

what does your muse think of their company and their group? word count: 255.

let’s start with lily, minhee’s beloved. she loves her members, she loves the overwhelming majority of their songs, and she’s proud as hell of the legacy they’ve built up for themselves so far. to be honest, sometimes she it just hits her that oh shit, she’s minnie from lily! and oh shit, they’re basically the biggest girl group ever. no one tell her that candy inherited nation’s girl group or that ultraviolet are taking over the world, let her be dumb. no, but genuinely, she can’t believe the scale of what they’ve achieved sometimes. she doesn’t totally feel like she deserves all the love she gets. then there’s the company behind it all; bc entertainment. she wonders all the time if her mother would’ve went along with everything if it was any other company that minhee came home with a callback from. probably not. for that alone, she’s thankful. she sort of dislikes being portrayed as perfect and untouchable -- more silly and down to earth than a lot of her peers under the company, but still. it’s just part and parcel of bc’s status. the reason it gets to her is that she’s very much not that perfect girl next door that the company wants her to be, and she puts a lot of pressure on herself to live up to it. as such, minhee probably doesn’t take advantage of all of the resources being under bc allows her access to as much as she should, choosing instead to just grin and bear it.

is your muse on their first contract or their second? if they’ve renewed, what were their feelings around that at the time and what were their hopes for their second contract? if they haven’t renewed, what are their current thoughts on the end of their eventual first contract? word count: 260.

minhee is on her second contract. she renewed with bc in 2019 for a further seven years, which doesn’t feel like that long of a time. seven years seemed like a liftetime when she signed her debut contract in 2012, but it went by pretty fast for her. finding out what the rest of her members were doing was the most important thing for minhee when choosing whether or not to renew. with lily’s status in the industry, the money she made over the previous years, and the wealth belonging to her family, she felt confident that she’d be okay no matter what happened. a safety net. but her preference was always going to be to continue with the rest of lily if possible. she wouldn’t have forced the issue if the others didn’t want to though ... at least not on purpose. knowing minhee, she probably would’ve been crying all over the place and ended up messing with everyone’s plans like that. maybe she would’ve put out an ad like, “nation’s girl group in search of new agency. must be willing to take in four fully grown women and meet all of their demands.” as for the terms in her second contract, minhee was looking for some more royalties and some reassurance that lily would continue to receive the levels of resources and investment that they were already receiving from the company, as well as more opportunities for her to grow as a soloist. she didn’t want them falling by the wayside. she’s too young to be washed up!

what are your muse’s goals and motivations? word count: 259.

in terms of her career, minhee actually has some pretty lofty ambitions. her top two focuses are solo music and modeling, and they’re basically split an even 50/50. she wants to continue releasing upbeat solo songs, but as for the music itself, aside from some dabbling in lyrics, she’s happy to leave it to the professionals. her primary interest, aside from the obvious performance and promotion aspects, lies in developing her own choreography. for her own songs firstly, but also for lily’s songs, and maybe even others within the company. outside of bc remains to be seen. she’s been really inspired over the years by a lot of the dancers and choreographers that she’s worked with, even from before entering bc, and she’d like to inspire someone else some day too! and modeling ... i can’t lie, minhee just likes looking pretty and getting free stuff, so she’d like to do some more of that.

as for her personal life ... messy as hell! she still really wants to find love but still only goes looking for it with fuckboys. she wants to get closer with her dad and her extended family, but is finding it difficult to pull off while also keeping her mother at arm’s length. she also can’t help antagonising her mother because she’s a dumb brat. i don’t think minhee realises it yet, but she’s slowly coming to a place of self acceptance too. when she does realise it, i think that’s something that will really motivate her to be the best she can be.

what is one conflict, internal or external, that your muse is currently dealing with, has recently dealt with, or will need to deal with in the future? word count: 262.

i’ve talked in depth about minhee’s conflict over her sexuality here, which all still holds true, but i want to take this opportunity to talk about something else very close to my heart concerning minhee that i’ve mentioned once or twice in passing but never explicitly. minhee is autistic. she just doesn’t know it yet. some fun mun trivia is that i’m autistic! but, as is typical for a lot of afab people, i was basically an adult by the time it was diagnosed. you might say, hey sucy, stop projecting on your muses, but i say no! write what you know and all that. it’s kind of ironic though, because not even i realised minhee could very well be autistic until i’d written her for two years, and deciding took me another. and now she has to go through the diagnostic process again in character, smh me. anyways, yeah, minhee is probably going to have it suggested to her pretty soon while seeking some help for her anxiety about aging, and after that she’s gonna have to recontextualise her whole life because it’s truly like a lightbulb moment for a lot of people, myself included. suddenly everything that was weird to you growing up makes sense. it’s kind of a lot to wrap your head around, and would be for anyone, so writing about that for minhee is going to be interesting. i mentioned above that she’s been kind of moving towards self acceptance anyways, and i think this will be a very big turning point for her on that journey.

if your muse has established career claims, what are their thoughts on their career so far? if they do not, how do they feel about not having individual activities yet? what would they like to do in the future, if anything? if they don’t have ambitions for individual activities, explain why. word count: 277.

she does! her individual activities consist of modeling jobs and a couple of variety show cast positions, because i felt that these were the avenues she would’ve been pushed down up until more recently in her career, when her interest in choreographing for herself would’ve really taken off. minhee has really enjoyed her career so far. she feels settled within the entertainment industry, and that type of security is so sexy to her. the less chance that her mother can say i told you so the better.it’s kind of a big difference for her in terms of character actually, but this incarnation of minhee likes being on variety shows! she’s actually confident appearing on them! this is because of the difference in concept between lily and lipstick. lipstick’s minnie’s confidence took a long time to build up. lily’s minnie’s didn’t. she’d like to be on more variety shows in the future, especially something competition based, like dancing with the stars ... or masterchef, for a laugh, because she’d be the first person eliminated. and then, there’s the modeling. as mentioned a couple of questions ago, it’s something she wants to focus pretty tightly on going forward. her favourite brand that she’s been the ambassador for so far is crocs. she loves her crocs. she has, like, five different colours. crocs, please sign minhee again. working with etude house and kloud was pretty cool too though. sometimes she’s still able to swing free beers when she goes out. so, going forward, she wants to continue with those types of gigs, as well as pursuing more solo music and developing her skills as a choreographer, like i mentioned earlier!

#famedrstask1 #yes i did this instead of getting dowoon's intro ready!!! but ... now i'll go do that please love my silly middle child's changelog!!#yep . minhee's now the middle child of my kids that's crazy

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ordinaryschmuck · 4 years ago

Text

What I thought about WandaVision

Y'know, it's kind of crazy to think that it's been over a year since we've been given any content involving the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Marvel Studios announced so many great movies, on top of new TV shows that actually impact the story, way back in the summer of 2019. But then 2020 happened. Resulting in everything, and I mean everything, we were promised getting pushed back for another year. So, when it was finally announced that the series WandaVision was, at last, ready to be released, fans were both excited as well as skeptical. Because the first thing that would reintegrate us back into this franchise would be a show about how two Avengers are stuck in a sitcom. It might be new, long-awaited content, but it also doesn't sound all that interesting. Could a story involving two characters who have yet to stand on their own be enough to carry a brand new adventure? Well, for eight whole weeks, fans were given that answer. And personally, I will admit that WandaVision might have been better than anybody could have ever expected...for the most part.

(Final spoiler warning if you haven't seen the show yet)

WHAT I LIKE

It Just Goes: This is easily the best way the series could have started. We are given no context about what is going on. We're just shown that Wanda and Vision are currently stuck in a sitcom, and that's it. By making it a mystery, fans are given this sort of interaction with the series as they find clues and come up with theories about how and why this happened. Sure, some assumptions were more far fetched than others (did people think Mephisto was confirmed just because of one misinterpreted line involving the Devil?), but it still makes the show a ton of fun to watch. Plus, even when we're given answers, it's only tiny pieces of the puzzle. We're always given a chance to figure out the bigger picture, resulting in an image that is, I'll admit, somewhat satisfying to see. Just as long as you ignore the crybabies who get upset that their favorite theories turned out to be wrong.

The Homages are on Point: I also love how straight the cast and crew play with the idea of two superheroes being stuck in a series of sitcoms. Everything they use fits in the era each sitcom takes place in. With things like camerawork, set design, special effects, acting quality, tropes, and even theme songs, everything works as a proper homage than just having two episodes in black and white and the rest in color. Each new sitcom that Wanda and Vision are rebooted in feels so genuine, to the point where they seem like they could be actual shows that could have existed. Seriously, my dad showed me stuff like The Dick Van Dyke Show when I was a kid, so trust me when I say that the very first episode nails the style that it's honoring. Not only is it charming as all forms of hell, but it also works in making these moments when characters break from the spell (get it) all the more jarring and even disturbing at times. Because when you're so keen on watching what seems like a fun and cheesy sitcom, you feel a bit unsettled when a character suddenly acts in a way that's a tad foreboding. Still, it's fun to watch and is easily the central hook for what makes this show work.

The Comedy: The homages also nail the comedy that came from each type of sitcom. The jokes fit with each period, from the cheesy and charming 50s to the cynical and dry 90s and early 2000s. It's another thing the writers play straight with, and I think it works. The only jokes made by most stories like this are just pointing out that these serious characters are stuck in a silly sitcom. Instead, the writers tell jokes that work for the period it's in, and it is all genuinely funny if you're used to those types of goofs and gags. If you didn't laugh, that's because the comedy isn't trying to reach out to you. It's reaching out to the people who actually watched these types of sitcoms. Or, in my case, the type of people who had their parents show them these types of sitcoms. And even then, I still think there are these lines and deliveries that are still funny even if you don't get the joke. For example, there's this brief moment with Vision and a toy baby that got a genuine chuckle out of me for how absurd it was. I wasn't expecting to laugh that much, but on top of the many surprises this show gave, being funny was definitely one of them.

“My husband, and his indestructible forehead”: He...hehe...hehehehahahaHAHAHAHA! AH! HA! HA! HA!

*Slowly starts sobbing*

>Squeaks<

I see what you did there.

Paul Bettany as “Vision,” “Vision,” and Vision: Can we give Paul Bettany a round of applause for basically playing three different characters, each with their own varying levels of emotions and purposes? Because goodness gracious, this man is a champion! I've seen tons of people praise Elizabeth Olson for her performance as Wanda, and to be fair, she does do a fantastic job...aside from one blatant issue (which I'll get into later). But as great as Olson is, Bettany still deserves some credit. Throughout most of the series, he has this level of comedic-timing that I didn't even know he was capable of, by going ham or just having a dry wit. Seriously, was someone going to tell me that Paul Bettany can be funny, or was I supposed to find that out for myself? On top of being hilarious, Bettany delivers such raw emotion that none of us would have ever expected from this character. That screaming match “Vision” has with Wanda shows the very first time that any version of him has ever been angry, and Bettany does a great job at making that moment as jarring as it needed to be. And that's just from playing one version of the character! I didn't even talk about how he nails the naive yet still wise Vision from the flashback in "Previously On" or the cold and robotic "Vision" from "The Series Finale." Bettany has range, and WandaVision is a great show that proves how. One just needs to have the right amount of vision to see it (HhhhhhhhhhhHA!)

Developing Wanda: But as great as Paul Bettany, and to a lesser extent, Vision, is, Wanda Maximoff is clearly the star of the show here (And yes, I know that it's Wanda who's the character and Elizabeth Olson is the actor, but...I'll get into it!). If WandaVision has taught me anything about these Disney+ shows, it's that we are finally going to get some long-awaited development to characters that are starved from it. And Wanda definitely needed it. Don't get me wrong, Wanda was great in past movies but wasn't that compelling of a character. Here, trust me when I say that the opposite is true.

We are given a deep dive into not only Wanda's morality but also her psyche. The writers really play around with how scary Wanda can be. As well as questioning if Wanda has the capability of being evil. Because, yeah, what she did was not right. True, our "heroine" was going through some rough s**t, but that doesn't excuse the amount of torture Wanda put the people of Westview through, no matter how unwittingly. Just look at that scene where everyone grills Wanda about what she's doing to them, not only pleading for whatever compromise they can get and even begging for her to kill them instead. That is dark! That is the darkest concept the MCU has ever offered, and the ending of Avengers: Infinity War exists!

But, while it doesn't entirely excuse everything, there is a reason why Wanda did all of this. You see, throughout WandaVision, Wanda goes through the five stages of grief. It all starts with denial as she pretends to live in a sitcom that she created where Vision is alive, and they get to even have kids together. Soon comes anger when she destroys anything and physically harms anyone that tries to bring her back to reality. Next, there's bargaining as Wanda strengthens her hex and expands it to keep outsiders out and keep Vision in. This leads to depression as the weight of all of Wanda's actions finally sinks in, and she's forced to realize the damage she's causing. Until all of it ends with acceptance, as Wanda finally, finally, gets to say goodbye to Vision. Something she never really got when Thanos ripped the mind stone out of Vision's forehead. It's both incredible to watch as it is fascinating. Wanda, through the course of her own little spin-off series, just went from a decent character to one of the most intriguing to dissect in the MCU. And we have this show to thank for it.

The Commercials: These commercials offer three things.

They're more homages to classic television, each product and filming for each one honoring how commercials looked in each era.

They offer more of an insight into Wanda's psyche as we see how each commercial shows bits of her history, regrets, and deepest desires. You see all of the above in the Lagos' paper towel commercial.

There are neat bits of foreshadowing of what's to come, like how Hydra Soak ends by saying it's for "your inner goddess" or how the 90s commercial ends by saying Magic isn't meant for the weak.

With all of that, these commercials are as fun to analyze as they are disturbing as hell.

The Dinner Scene: This was the moment it was clear that WandaVision wasn’t going to just be fun and games. The second that "Mr. Heart" starts screaming at Wanda about why she and Vision came, it becomes clear that the whole wacky scenario our heroes are in isn't as harmless as we all thought. And when "Mrs. Heart" playfully tells her husband to stop it when “Mr. Heart” starts choking, only to desperately scream at Wanda to stop it, audiences begin to piece together that the people of Westview are prisoners--no--victims. As for Wanda? She's the unknowing dictator forcing them to do what she says. And it was this scene that I knew I was going to really enjoy this show.

The Blip Scene: And it was this scene that made WandaVision skyrocket into top-tier MCU territory! As much as I love Spider-Man: Far From Home, I will admit that making a joke with the concept of something like the blip might not have been the best move. But showing the chaos of everyone coming back all at once? On top of showing the confusion that a person would have from being told that a five-second nap was five years? Yeah, that's more in line with what we want.

Returning Characters: Not only was I surprised by the fact that these pretty minor characters in the MCU made a return at all, but I was also shocked to find out they work better in this series than they did in their respective movies. First, there's Monica. Not only is she reintroduced as a brand new hero (with, admittingly, confusing superpowers), but she also works as the anti-Wanda. Both characters had someone they care about dearly die without getting a chance to say goodbye. The difference is that Monica doesn't have the abilities Wanda does and is instead forced to quickly accept that her mom is dead and won't come back. She even admits that she would bring her mom back if she could. But that just makes Monica the perfect person that Wanda needs. A person that understands where she's coming from and tries to convince Wanda to do the right thing, no matter how hard it is. Monica's methods may have been a tad bit sloppy, but she is still ten times more intriguing than that little girl who screwed around with the color scheme on Captain Marvel’s suit.

Then there's Jimmy Woo, who is both funnier here than in Ant-Man and the Wasp, and actually shows signs of being a competent FBI agent. A step up, I might add, from the hilariously incompetent character we saw in his previous appearance.

And also, Darcie is here...and still slightly annoying...but at least she still has a couple funny lines here and there! Which is more than I can say with Thor and Thor: The Dark World.

In my opinion, it's a good move having these characters with pretty small roles in vastly different stories make a return. It shows that they are not limited to their one little corner of the MCU. And that they can branch off into taller tales that suit them perfectly. It's pretty cool, and it makes me wonder what other small characters could make a triumphant return.

Billy and Tommy: These two are...fine. Billy and Tommy give me Zach and Cody vibes sometimes, the kids playing them do a decent job, and they both offer some great emotional moments. The problem is that out of the list of characters that WandaVision introduces and reintroduces, there's not much to talk about with Billy and Tommy. Honestly, the only reason why I briefly mentioned that I like them is that I don't want dozens of people crucifying me for not saying anything about them. I don't hate them, but I don't much care for them either.

Evan Peters as Quicksilver: Although I would have loved it if it was Aaron Taylor-Johnson who made a return, seeing Evan Peters in a good Marvel movie again is more than worth it. He plays a much more fun version of Quicksilver while still nailing the sibling relationship the character has with Wanda. In a way, it's a lot like how Marvel cast J.K. Simmons as J Jonah Jameson at the end of Spider-Man: Far From Home. It's admitting that no one could have played the character better than this one actor and briefly making fans happy in the process. While also not doing something crazy like having it be the exact same Quicksilver from the X-Men movies. Only f**king idiots would believe something like that...

...

...But hypothetically speaking, let's say some people were stupid to believe that. While making an outrageous claim that the writers "lead them on to doing so." In which case, I will say the same thing that one would say when friend-zoning someone: "Nobody led you on to s**t. You were just too busy focusing on what you wanted to see instead of what you needed to see."

Because there was no evidence that it was the same Quicksilver other than the fact that it was the same actor. And, hypothetically speaking, if there were dozens of crybabies who were upset about it not being the same Quicksilver, then I have so much more respect for this character being nothing more than a boner joke. Because you did this to yourselves...hypothetically speaking.

Retconning Wanda’s Powers: ...I'm ok with this. Retcons happen all the time in the comics, as well as in movies and television. It's just a matter of making the retcon believable enough where there are few holes in what you're telling people. As for Wanda apparently having magic this entire time, but the mind stone amplified her powers? I can buy that. Besides, it's an acceptable excuse to make Wanda as powerful as she is in the comics (from what I've been told), so like I said, I'm ok with this.

“I can’t feel you…”: ...That's fine. I didn't need my heart anyway.

“Vision’s” Talk with “Vision”: Forget the horrible CGIed battles. I want more of this!

Now, I put both Visions in quotation marks because while they're both the same character, they're also...not the same. Which is, funnily enough, what this scene is: A philosophical discussion between two versions of the same android about what makes them both/neither the definitive version. One may look the same, and the other may be the same body, but neither "Vision" really is the true Vision. However, the fact that these two stop their fighting so they can have this discussion in the first place helps secure that while different, they are still the same. It's a thought-provoking discussion, and it is ten times more interesting to watch than Wanda and Agatha's CGI fight in the sky. Although it is kind of odd that White-Vision just peaces out the second Hex-Vision gives him a reboot. But hey, that's for the future movies to deal with.

“Thank you for choosing me to be your mom.”: >Deep inhale<...Girl.

Wanda Saying Goodbye to Vision: >DEEPER INHALE< HOOOOOOOOOOO BOY! I did not expect this much emotional turmoil from f**king WANDAVISION!

Joking aside, this is a well-handled scene. It's incredibly emotional to see these two characters say goodbye to each other as their arcs come to a close. "Vision" peacefully leaves knowing who he is in the world, and Wanda can finally start moving on as she gets to say goodbye to her one true love. It's as bittersweet as it is beautiful.

WHAT I DISLIKE

MCU logos flashing in every episode: You know how CinemaSins has this bulls**t excuse about how the MCU opening logo wastes time to get to the good stuff? This is the only instance where that's applicable. Because the opening logo was cool to see again for the first episode, but having it play in every single one after breaks the immersion when trying to binge the series. It's for a couple of seconds, sure, but after a while, it does get pretty annoying.

Elizabeth Olson as Scarlet Witch: Now, to be clear, I have no problems with Elizabeth Olson's acting ability in this series. She juggles being funny, heartbreaking, and threatening so well that I am likely to laugh and cry with her as I am to s**t my pants while in her presence. Elizabeth Olson does a great job with this character. The problem? Well, in the comics, Wanda Maximoff is Roma, and Elizabeth Olson...isn't. This means that WandaVision, and the MCU as a whole, has a bad case of white-washing.

I could go on about the issues this brings, but I am not as educated about this subject, and all I know is just stuff that seems like common sense. For instance, I believe it is more than reasonable to hire an actor of a specific race or ethnicity for a character who is of a that same race or ethnicity. But that is as far as my knowledge and personal stance goes, and to expand on it would be too much of a risk because I have no right to criticize the representation of something I am not a part of. So instead, I'm going to point you to @earnestdesire‘s blog and Jessica Reidy’s article on the subject. They do a great job at discussing the issues with Olson’s Wanda and pointing to the issues the MCU has in representing Wanda and Pietro's representation in the comics. And they do it in a far better way than I ever could have. So check them out to truly see why, despite doing a great job, Elizabeth Olson should not be the person donning the suit.

It Was Agatha All Along: AND I STILL F**KING HATE THAT!

I know, I know, I am in the minority on this one. And I still don't understand why! To me, Agatha has all of the problems that Hans has in Frozen. Sure, there are hints if you pay more attention during a few select scenes that are slightly questionable. Like how she refers to Wanda as "the star of the show" or coincidentally shows up with a dog house for Sparky. However, much like how Frozen didn't need a villain like Hans, WandaVision didn't need a comic book villain like Agatha. The story was perfectly passable as a personal conflict involving Wanda's grief where the only obstacle was the director of S.W.O.R.D. and his agents. There is nothing Agatha adds to that.

"But she helps Wanda find out what happens!" Yeah, but Monica could have done the same thing by actually breaking through to Wanda and calmly asking what happened. From then on, they could have worked things out together by having Wanda retrace events that transpired through the information that Monica knows as well.

"But Agatha helps Wanda realize what she's doing is wrong!" So could Vision! He could have shown up, did that mind-meld thing to the townspeople, and Wanda would finally learn what she was doing was wrong through the person she trusts the most.

"But Agatha helps Wanda learn that she's the Scarlet Witch!" Ok...but did that need to happen in this series? Because when you think about it, when the central conflict is all about exploring Wanda's grief, throwing in this narrative about becoming the Scarlet Witch has little to do with anything. Meaning that if you cut it from the story, little would change other than cutting a CGI battle that everyone agrees is the worst part of the series.

The most Agatha adds to the story is a secondary conflict that could easily be cut, and the overall quality would stay the same, if not better. And that is a problem. Agatha needs to add to the central conflict in a way that no other character could have. Like, give her a reason to be involved in Wanda’s life that goes beyond feeding off her magic and leading Wanda to her destiny. Because as is, even if you argue that Agatha is a good twist villain, she's a villain that really didn't need to be here.

Director Haywood: But as much as I don't like Agatha, I think we can all agree that Director Haywood is the worst villain in the MCU. Because one issue that Haywood has is a lack of motivation. For instance, why does he try so hard to write off Wanda as this supervillain? It was never explained, and for something so bizarre and crucial to his character, I feel like it needed to be. It would be passable if he was motivated out of fear and ignorance, but Haywood goes so far as to misedit security footage to prove his point. And I don't get why.

Is he sexist?

Did Wanda not show up at his kid's birthday party?

Did he secretly want to use Vision as a sexbot and didn't want Wanda to get between them?

I don't know, and I'll never know.

Plus, on top of having no motivation, Haywood is just forgettable. Agatha may piss me off to no end, but at least I'll remember her. I honestly forgot Haywood's name half the time, and I'm willing to bet that you did too. Case in point, his name isn't even Haywood. It's Hayward. And in the off chance that you didn't even know about that misspelling just proves my point about how forgettable Hayward is. While it's one thing to be hated, it's another to be forgotten. Because that just means that you left so little impact that you aren't even worth getting upset about.

------

And that is what I thought about WandaVision. If I had to base this off my usual score, I'd have to give the show the same 7/10 that everyone else gave it. Because there's a lot that I love, but the stuff that I hate is so problematic that it takes the WandaVision down on a couple of notches. It's still a fantastic series with a solid story, a great message, incredible acting, and phenomenal character development. It's just that not everyone is going to be willing to tune in as much as you might think.

#marvel cinematic universe #wandavision #mcu reviews #wanda maximoff #vision #agatha harkness #what i thought about

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noctilucentstorm · 4 years ago

Note

Hi! For the prompt, 18 Sora and Yamato and, only if it inspires you, 1 Hikari and Koushirou :)

Drinks on the patio/deck of your favourite place (Sora and Yamato)

One day I will follow the prompt as it’s intended, but today is not that day.

Summer prompt list

Sora leaned on the newly constructed railing, which was surprisingly solid for vines, but the Digital World rarely behaved in ways she expected it to. The sun warmed her face. Sora shielded her eyes to look at the water below, pale blue and sparkling in the light. She was high enough that the sounds of digimon splashing in the lake sounded distant – pleasant background noise rather than distracting.

With a contented sigh, Sora settled back onto the smooth wood of the sun lounge and powered up her tablet. The soft breeze, contrasting with the warm sun on her bare legs and arms, conjured images of loose-flowing clothes. Sora sketched out her newest ideas, walking the tightrope between tradition and modernity that her brand was slowly becoming famous for.

“Looks comfy,” a voice over her shoulder commented.

“Me or the clothes?”

When she didn’t get a response, Sora shifted to find her gaze locked with Yamato’s. He moved closer and she met his lips with hers. Barely a few seconds passed before Yamato rocked back on his heels, breaking the kiss and putting some distance between them. He smiled. Sora felt her cheeks warm.

“Careful you don’t burn,” he teased, clearly noticing.

Sora scowled at him, but paused when light caught the shiny surface of object in one of his hands.

Yamato was well known amongst the Chosen Children as being an excellent cook and Daisuke was constantly measuring his culinary skills against the older Chosen. What many of them didn’t know was that Yamato could also make amazing cocktails - both alcoholic and non-alcoholic.

The cocktail shaker was tossed into the air, and Yamato caught it with a smirk, anticipating her silent question. He shook it a few more times while keeping his eyes on Sora. Part of her hoped he would lose his grip and make a fool of himself, but she knew he was too much of a perfectionist to allow that. Sora was about to quip that the drink better be for her when a voice called from inside.

“It’s ready!”

Their attention was drawn to a Floramon, who stepped out with a circular tray balanced on one hand and two frosted glasses in the middle. Sora raised an eyebrow to Yamato, knowing that somehow this was his influence, but he merely smiled back at her. The Floramon set the tray down on the small table beside Sora and glanced at Yamato, who nodded his encouragement.

“Please enjoy our newest refreshment on the house.”

The Floramon danced a little, shaking her head as she did so, and finished with a bow. All of Sora’s Ikebana training seemed worth it when suddenly a liquid that looked like fruit juice poured from the digimon’s head into one of the glasses. The frost gradually melted as it filled, leaving only an icy rim. Luckily, Sora’s smile didn’t melt as easily.

Seemingly pleased with its performance, the Floramon beamed at Sora, then Yamato, before skipping back inside where a group of its peers where huddled together, overseen by a couple of Yukimibotamon sitting on a counter – that explained the ice at least. Their attention diverted, Sora’s smile dropped almost instantly into a glare aimed directly at Yamato.

“You could’ve warned me,” she hissed.

“I knew you would be professional about it,” he replied a little too smugly.

He opened the cap to his cocktail shaker and poured the contents into the other empty glass. Sora instantly recognised the colour and smell as her favourite drink. Her glare intensified.

“Are you mocking me?”

He sat down on the end of the lounger across from her so that the drinks were just within reach. He pushed the Floramon drink towards her.

“Just try enough to give your opinion and then the other one is yours.”

She picked up the cocktail and sniffed it dubiously. “Please don’t tell me this is their brain juice or something.”

Sora was used to the Digital World throwing up what would be impossible in their world, but this left her more unsettled than anything. Yamato was being way too blasé about a drink made from the head of a digimon known for attacking with allergy-inducing pollen.

“Don’t be silly, Sora. Plants don’t have brains.”

Sora almost threw the drink over him, but figured that would be an insult to their hosts. Tentatively, she took a sip, testing if it was even drinkable. When no immediate adverse reactions made themselves known, Sora took another, swishing the liquid around her mouth before swallowing. She set the glass down.

“It’s actually quite nice, although a bit sweet for my taste.”

Yamato picked up the glass and with his free hand pushed his prepared drink towards her with a smile. Sora watched him take a sip, pause to contemplate the flavour, then drank more from the glass as well.

“Agree with your assessment.” He swirled the drink a little, thinking. “Maybe Hikari would like it? She prefers fruity drinks.”

“Not going to recommend it to Mimi?”

Yamato gave her a look. “Of course Mimi will like it.” He drained the rest of the drink. “I just want someone to try it who has actual tastebuds.”

Sora raised an eyebrow as she tasted the other drink. Still the perfect balance between bitterness, sharpness and sweetness that Yamato knew she loved, despite the lack of alcohol. It had been more than one summer since Yamato had done this for her.

“You still haven’t forgiven Mimi for putting Cool-whip on your home-cooked steak, have you?”

She’d also put fruit on top, but that wasn’t what Yamato went apoplectic over. Sometimes Sora forgot Yamato’s French heritage, other times…

“It’s not even food! No dairy product should taste like that!”

Snickering turned to open laughter. Sora barely put down her drink in time, fearful she was about to spill it over herself. Tears welled up, even though it wasn’t that funny. Maybe she had just been desperate for an excuse to laugh. It had been so long since she’d taken a moment to relax like this.

As her laughter subsided, Sora caught Yamato watching her with a soft expression that made her heart stutter. He glanced out towards the water the moment she noticed, as if allowing her a bit of privacy. Sora took a shuddering breath to compose herself and gulped down the rest of her drink.

We’re not even dating, Sora reminded herself. She had only recently started to forge her own path away from Ikebana and towards clothing when she noticed her mother’s increasing discomfort sitting in traditional Japanese dress (not to mention Sora’s lack of progress attempting to reach her own high expectations for herself). Luckily, a local expert in kimonos had been intrigued enough to take Sora in. Dating someone would only complicate things further, even someone as familiar as Yamato.

Yamato for his part seemed content, perhaps even happy, with the arrangement. He had started at JAXA straight after his masters course, so settling down had proven difficult. Apparently potential dates loved that he was part of the space programme until they found out how much he would be away. He could only do so much work remotely.

“How much longer do you think they’ll be,” Sora asked, desperate for a distraction.

Yamato glanced up at the sky. “Gabumon suggested it might take them all day. The Firamon seemed pretty upset if the reports are to be believed.”

Despite the warm sun overhead, Sora shivered. “They’ll be ok, won’t they?”

Yamato loosely grabbed her foot, still stretched out on the lounge chair, and squeezed it reassuringly. Sora looked up and found her fears reflected back in blue eyes. Sitting up straight, she pulled her legs in, giving Yamato space to join her.

“Don’t suppose we can get some alcohol in the next drinks?”

Yamato’s fingers drew circles around one of her knees. “You trust the alcohol at this place?”

The Chosen had learned the hard way that most alcohol in the Digital World was not quite the same as the stuff in their world.

“You planned to make cocktails and you didn’t bring any?”

Yamato gave her a look. “I wouldn’t be setting a very good example if I smuggled alcohol into the Digital World, would I?”

“You never know, maybe you could win over the Firamon with your drinks-making skills.”

“I think I’d be more likely to upset them.”

Despite his comment, the corners of his mouth twitched upwards. Sora sat back to appreciate the view a little more. However, before long, Yamato stood up again.

“No use worrying about it now. Another drink?”

“You know my favourite.”

The sun was beginning to set by the time Gabumon and Piyomon returned. Both looked a little singed, but they reassured their partners that the discussions had gone as well as they could have and the Firamon would refrain from attacking humans unprovoked until the Chosen completed a thorough investigation.

As fires along the lake’s shoreline were lit, the four enjoyed a casual dinner on the balcony provided by the Floramon. Piyomon particularly liked Floramon’s signature drink, and promised to pass the word around to anyone who would listen.

Sora, Piyomon, Yamato and Gabumon left the establishment with full stomachs, content with the day’s proceedings. When they reached the crossroads, Sora stopped herself.

“The next nearest gate is still fairly far away,” she reasoned, only half paying attention to the map in front of her, “how about you two come back and stay with us tonight?” At Yamato’s surprised expression she demurred, “unless you need to be up early or something…”

Sora looked away, feeling heat rise along her cheeks.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t mind?”

She met his eyes and nodded, trying to ignore the way her heartrate suddenly sped up.

“It would save me having to evolve,” Gabumon added, attention on his partner.

“We’d really appreciate it, thanks.”

Sora waited as Yamato walked towards her, and took the bold step of looping her arm with his as they made their way towards the gate. Yamato removed his hand from his pocket and silently interlinked his fingers with hers. Behind them, Gabumon and Piyomon seemed to be conspiring with whispers. They stopped speaking and attempted to look innocent when Sora glanced back at them.

“They’re planning something,” Sora warned Yamato quietly.

Yamato squeezed her hand. “Is that a problem?”

She snuck another glance at her and Yamato’s partners.

“No. I’m a little curious to see what they come up with.”

#digimon #digimon adventure #Sorato #Sora Takenouchi #Yamato Ishida #digifiction #skuag #yes this is taken from the Frontier floramon #I just loved the world-building in Frontier okay #kizuna spoilers

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fallinnflower · 5 years ago

Text

royal admirer

jeonghan x reader (prince!jeonghan x actress!reader, fluff, strangers-to-friends-to-lovers!au)

It’s a bit of a pity, really — modern-day princes really do nothing. To be fair, Jeonghan isn’t the type of person who enjoys doing too much, and the pressures of taking care of an entire nation would definitely qualify as just that, but he really doesn't do much but serve as a face for the country. But even that is a role he shares with celebrities and other public figures; really, he feels more like Crown Prince is just a role he plays more than an actual title. All it requires is for him to sit and look pretty, and occasionally address the nation when he and his advisors make important political decisions.

Maybe that’s why he’s always been so interested in acting. It feels like that’s all he does in his day-to-day life.

Jeonghan was the type of child to absorb performances in their entirety, never disruptive but enraptured by them. His mother had a love for musical theater which she seemed to pass on to him, but Jeonghan expanded from musicals to operas to plays to film. And because of his status as Crown Prince, he was allowed the best seats and free admission to any premiere he wanted, worldwide. He’d been to dozens of events, seen countless productions and met numerous professionals in the industry — and then he met you.

Jeonghan would be the first to admit he was a fan of yours. He’d watched you grow on screen since you were both in your early teens, when you began popping up in indie films he stumbled upon. You seemed born for the screen, able to slip into every role with such confidence and ease that Jeonghan was soon seeking out any scraps of you he could find; films, interviews, anything.

But you were elusive. You didn’t seem to do many interviews, and when you appeared at red carpets you were often humble almost to a fault. Every time Jeonghan heard you say something even mildly self-degrading in an interview, he had to pause the video and take a deep breath.

Jeonghan had seen many performances. He had met those performers, and not one of them held a candle to you in his eyes.

It was after you were forced to go on a brief hiatus due to vocal cord strain that Jeonghan decided he had to meet you. Someway, somehow, he had to get in contact.

Your first fan-mail letter arrived when you were fifteen. You had just gotten a relatively small role in a mini-series produced for a streaming service, and the letter was from a girl your age. That letter had been read so many times that you were concerned it would soon rip at the creases, so you seldom looked at it anymore unless you were in dire need of a pick-me-up.

Eventually, more letters came — not a great many, but always enough and always right when you needed them most. However, when your hiatus was announced on your social media accounts, you were suddenly inundated with letters and comments on your posts.

You received little drawings of yourself in-character from various people, get well soon cards, and then, strangely, one letter in an envelope with a wax seal and no return address. When it first appeared in your mailbox, you were extremely confused. You didn’t know anyone who used a wax seal, and you thought it was a mistake. Nonetheless, you brought it up to your apartment.

At first, however, you couldn’t bring yourself to open it. You just stared at that wax seal in confusion, until eventually you decided to just stop wondering and open it.

Shockingly, it was just fan-mail. The sender identified themselves simply as Jeonghan, no surname or other identifying factors.

That was the first time you received a letter from Crown Prince Yoon Jeonghan (although you didn’t know it yet), but it wouldn’t be the last.

Jeonghan sent letters all through your hiatus. In his third letter he offered you his email and asked if you��d like to form a two-person film reviewing club, to which you quickly agreed. However, those emails soon proved to be somewhat long-winded and inconvenient, which is when the primary mode of communication became text messages.

The thing is, once you exchange numbers with Jeonghan, your conversations gradually increase and become more casual, straying from your weekly movie reviews. It’s strange, you consider him a friend despite hardly knowing anything about him, but something about him just puts you at ease. He has a melodic sort of voice, especially so when he’s making teasing remarks, and you can’t help but grow attached.

He’s there for you when your hiatus ends and you start going through scripts, trying to decide on your next project. When you finally do, Jeonghan is the first of your friends to know about the new role you’ve accepted.

You try to keep in contact during filming, but it’s difficult for you — long hours on set mean that you go back to wherever you’re resting your head that night absolutely exhausted, and you barely have the energy to scarf down a meal, let alone message your friends. But nonetheless Jeonghan is always sending messages of encouragement, patiently awaiting the release of your film.

Eventually, those long hours come to a close and the premiere is approaching. It’s not a very big affair, due to the indie status of the film, but the director has gained enough traction to get it released in theaters.

Premiers have always made you nervous, because you’re just you. When you play a character, you can have as much confidence as is necessary for the role, but when it’s just you being yourself you tend to shy away from microphones and flashing cameras. However, it’s part of the job, so the evening of the premier you wear a brand new dress. It’s long and black, with flecks of blue and bronze glitter in the flowing skirt that you think resembles the night sky. It isn’t overly flashy, but you think it suits your style well enough. Your image has never been a flashy one.

You feel wonderful until you reach the interview portion at the end of the red carpet; when all your fans are wanting to shake your hand and congratulate you on your return to the big screen, you feel on top of the world. It takes you a moment to compose yourself when you finally do reach the end, because you’re dangerously close to crying looking out at the crowd gathered around.

“Are you alright, Miss Y/N?” One of the reporters asks as you gently swipe your knuckles below your lash line. You let out a soft laugh and nod.

“Yes— I’m just, I'm honored and overwhelmed by all the support I got during my hiatus and even now. I really appreciate it, even though I don’t know that I deserve it.” The end of your sentence is drowned out by cheers of excitement from the crowd, and you feel your eyes welling up with tears again. The reporter makes a teasing comment about your softness, at which you let out a watery laugh before you allow yourself to be led inside the theater by the director and your co-star. You can’t help but sniffle, trying to hold back tears—

Without any warning, a handkerchief suddenly appears before you.

“Thank you,” you say, dabbing under your eyes in an effort to preserve your makeup. Whoever it is beside you gently places a hand on your lower back and resumes walking into the theater with you.

“You should really give yourself more credit, you know.” At the sound of that voice, you nearly trip over your own two feet.

“Jeonghan?” you ask, looking up into a pair of dark eyes that glimmer playfully in the low light of the theater. He smiles at you, and you feel your eyes widen before they well up with tears once more. You look up at the ceiling and blink rapidly, at which point Jeonghan laughs and takes the handkerchief from you, gently dabbing under your eyes.

“No wonder you cry so well on camera,” he jokes, and you swat at his arm playfully.

“Shut up,” you whine. “You never said you’d be here! How did you even get in?” Jeonghan’s cheeks flush slightly at that, and you gasp once you realize how rude your words might have sounded.

“I didn’t mean— sorry, I just—” He cuts you off by laughing once again,

“You’re cute. I’ll explain later. For now, they’re all waiting for you in the theater.” He offers you his arm, and although you have a million questions racing through your head all at once, you simply nod and rest your hand in the crook of his elbow.

One thing you’ve learned throughout your years as an actress is that you tend to have a hard time watching yourself act. It’s a surreal experience, and so you can’t say you’re surprised at yourself for focusing more on Jeonghan than the actual movie playing in the theater. At some point during the screening he offered you his hand, and you took it, making you feel an awful lot like a teenager on a first date. That feeling only intensifies when he drapes his blazer over your shoulders as you both prepare to go back outside, explaining that the temperature has dropped considerably in the hour or so you’ve been inside. You nervously chew on your lower lip as he holds the door open for you.

“I guess I should hail a cab,” you muse, looking up at the sky. The stars are blotted out by dark clouds, and it already smells like rain — normally, you wouldn’t mind walking a bit, but you’d really rather not get caught out in the rain in this dress and heels. Jeonghan looks down at you with one eyebrow gently raised.

“A cab?” You nod in response to his question.

“The last bus is in four minutes, I won’t make it in time.” You can feel his gaze on you and so you finally turn your gaze away from the road, where you had been watching for a taxi to hail, and Jeonghan is looking at you with such bemusement that it makes you blush almost immediately.

“What?” You half-grumble, looking away. He just chuckles and shakes his head.

“Nothing,” he says. “My driver is here, if you want a ride?”

“Driver?” You ask, but Jeonghan has already begun walking in the direction of his car, and you follow, desperate for answers to all your questions.

“Where to?” he asks, opening the car door for you. You tell him the name of the hotel you’re staying at, at which point he slides into the seat beside you and gently raps his knuckles against the tinted glass divider between the two of you and the driver. He relays the address, and then the divider is shut again, just like that. You merely stare at Jeonghan, and as the driver pulls into the road he gives you a somewhat bashful look.

“I suppose I have some explaining to do.” You simply nod at this, body turned towards him in the backseat. His gaze falls to where your knees are almost touching, a gentle smile gracing his features; you watch the colored lights of the city flit across his face, waiting for him to sort his thoughts.

“Well,” he says, with a sigh. “I’m the Crown Prince.” All you can manage to do for a moment is blink, feeling all the breath gradually leave your body.

“The what.” It isn’t even a question; it has no inflection as it falls past your lips, and Jeonghan flashes you yet another one of those seemingly embarrassed, shy smiles. He gently takes hold of your hands, which you barely notice because you’re pretty sure you’re in shock.

“And a huge fan of your work,” he adds.

“My— you’re a prince?”

“Is that really so shocking?” he chuckles, leaning in a little closer to you. Although his gaze is playful as before, you can tell he’s being one hundred percent serious.

“Holy shit,” you breathe. Then, realizing what you’ve just said, you quickly cover your mouth. “Sorry, just— oh my God.”

Jeonghan only laughs at your astonishment, as unbothered as ever, though his grip on your hands does tighten for a moment as if to anchor you. To your surprise, his reassuring gesture does seem to bring you back down to earth a bit.

“Why didn’t you just tell me from the start?” you ask, and he shrugs.

“I didn’t want to get special treatment. I wanted to get to know you organically, without my title influencing you.” You feel a blush rising on your cheeks and pull your hands from his to cover your face.

“Why are you hiding?” he asks, his voice lower now, gentle. Hearing it you can’t help but think of all your texts and audio messages, and you let out a little whine.

“I feel stupid.” Jeonghan chuckles, gently prying your hands away from your face and taking them once again in his own. You slowly let your eyes flutter open, allowing your gaze to drift up and meet his once again.

You don’t think you’ve ever been looked at with such tenderness off-set. You’ve played a love interest many times in your life, but due to your hectic schedule you haven’t really had any meaningful, long relationships — but right now Jeonghan is looking at you like you’re the center of his world, and it makes you want to cry again.

“It’s really nice to meet you, Y/N,” he murmurs, and you bite down on your lip.

“Nice to meet you, too,” you say, and then, unable to keep the teasing smile off your lips, “Your Highness.”

He’s quick to playfully scold you for calling you anything other than his name, but while he’s distracted you lean forward and press a quick kiss to his cheek. It shuts him up immediately, and you grin cheekily, seeing your own joy reflected back in his eyes,

“Jeonghan.”

And when you exit the limousine at your next premiere, it’s on the arm of Crown Prince Yoon Jeonghan — or, as some know him, your playful, film-loving boyfriend.

#jeonghan fanfiction #seventeen fanfic #seventeen fanfiction #seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #seventeen texts #kpop fanfiction #kpop texts #kpop writing #kpop scenarios #kpop reactions #My writing

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mab1905 · 4 years ago

Text

84 Questions

original:

https://fuckyeahsurveys.tumblr.com/post/61049002526/84-questions

1. Put your music player of choice on shuffle and list the first 10 songs

Someone New (Hozier)

Cactus Tree (Joni Mitchell)

Budapest (George Ezra)

And Dream Of Sheep (Kate Bush)

Nancy Mulligan (Ed Sheeran)

And Then She Kissed Me (St. Vincent)

Level of Concern (Twenty One Pilots)

Lovefool (The Cardigans)

Best For Last (Adele)

Video Killed The Radio Star (The Buggles)

2. If you could spend a week anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? Would you take anyone with you?

Japan. I travel a lot and it’s been on my list for a while, I would really want to go to the Hayao Miyazaki/Studio Ghibli theme park, if it ever opens that is. I would bring my best friend, Layla. I also would love to go to Amsterdam again.

3. What is your preferred writing implement? (eg. Blue pen, pencil, green pen)

My ink nib cartooning pen (similar to a quill, but without the feather)

4. Favourite month and why?

October, not too hot, not too cold, and of course, Halloween!

5. Do you have connections to any celebrities (even minor)? List them.

Nope, met several, got to true connections though.

6. Name 3 items you could pick up from where you are.

My iPad, my Leatherman Multitool, my collection of David Bowie postcards.

7. What brand logo is closest to you currently?

The Apple logo

8. Do you ever play board games or other non-computer games? Got any favourites?

Chess. Card games like Solitaire, Black-Jack, and Castle. A game that I can’t remember the name of but it’s essentially a board-game version of Capture The Flag. Mostly Chess.

9. A musical artist you love that isn’t well known

St. Vincent? I’m not sure if she’s well known or not.

10. A musical artist you love that is well known

David Bowie.

11. What is your desktop background currently?

A picture of Apollo 11 accompanied by the words “It won’t fail because of me”

12. Last person you talked to, and through what you talked to them

My best friend Layla, through the iMessage app.

13. First colour name you can think of that isn’t in the rainbow

Salmon

14. What timekeeping devices are in the room you are currently in?

My iPad, my computer, my collection of vintage stopwatches

15. What kind of headphones do you use?

Sony, wireless, noise canceling, over-the ear

16. What musical artists have you seen perform live?

Twenty One Pilots, Sylvan Esso

17. Does virginity matter to you?

I guess? I think it’s important, it’s certainly some kind of ‘milestone,’ but I don’t think it should be treated like the scale of a persons ‘purity.’ It’s important because it’s sex, and (hopefully) that means that you’re sharing a consensual, intimate experience that feels fucking great for both (or all, if it’s more then two) participants.

18. What gaming consoles do you or your family own?

Z e r o, although I’m hoping to buy a PS4 at some point so I can play Detroit Become Human.

19. What pets do you have? What are their names?

Juno is my cat, she is an adorable grey tiger-striped shorthair. She’s got little white mitten-paws and it’s absolutely ridiculous.

20. What’s the best job you’ve ever had?

Doing tech at a local theater

21. What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?

Teaching art to little kids (I like kids but it was just exhausting)

22. What magazines do you read, if any?

The New Yorker, and the National Geo if I’m like, waiting in my doctor’s office or something.

23. Inspiration behind your URL?

It’s just my initials and a year from the Edwardian era

24. Inspiration behind your blog title?

It’s just my initials

25. Favourite item of clothing?

My reddish-brown knit sweater vest and my floral bow-tie (often paired together)

26. Are you friends with any exes?

I made a very conscious effort to cut my exe out of my life… we were not happy for a very long time to say the least

27. Name at least one book you loved as a child.

Strega Nona, it’s about an Italian witch that makes great pasta in a magic pasta pot. My dad would read it to me and my sibling in Italian.

28. What’s your native language? If that language has distinct regional variations, which variation? (eg. AU English, US English)

US English

29. What email service do you use?

Gmail

30. Is there anything hanging on the walls of the room you are currently in?

So many things. Here's the list:

A giant David Bowie poster, a plaque that says “David Bowie IS,” five David Bowie postcards, a giant Abbey Road poster, all of my patches from summer camp, polaroids of me, my friends, and my family (including my cat), ticket stubs from concerts and plays, two trail markers that I took off of fallen trees on two important cross-country backpacking trips I went on, playbills from a bunch of broadway shows I’ve seen, a poster that says “Stonewall was a riot,” a DC Comics poster, a Pink Floyd poster, a few paintings of mine, and a painting that I got for free from a street artist I befriended in Rome when I was twelve

31. What’s your favourite number, and why?

16, 24, 21, and 8, some numbers make me uncomfortable, but these are just very soft and light and nice

32. Earliest moment in your life you can remember?

A rocking chair with fruits painted on it sitting in a dark room and my great grandfathers brown leather loafers (I remember early early stuff in just images or stills, not full moments)

33. What did you have for dinner yesterday?

Pasta with shrimp

34. How often do you brush your teeth?

Usually twice a day, but I’ve been waking up later and later and sometimes forget in the mornings

35. What’s your favourite candy/chocolate?

I don’t know the name of it but it’s this chocolate bar that is stuffed with caramel, hot chili flakes, and crunchy bits of baked tortilla. It's one of the greatest things I’ve ever tasted.

36. Have you had other blogs on Tumblr? Do you have any other blogs currently?

I used to have one but I deleted it because I never used it

37. If you were suddenly really hungry, what would you choose to eat?

I would probably walk into the kitchen, realize that too eat something I would have to muster the effort to cook something instead, and then decide to just have a glass of milk instead.

38. What fandoms would you consider yourself a part of?

Downton Abbey (primarily Thommy)

Chernobyl HBO (as well as the Leonid Toptunov/Sasha Akimov subfandom)

Lord of The Rings and The Hobbit (books and movies)

CrankGamePlays

Buzzfeed Unsolved

Star Trek TOS

Philosophy Tube

The Dark Crystal and The Dark Crystal: Age Of Resistance

39. If you could study anything, what would it be?

If I had the energy to fully wrench my life in a completely different direction I would like to become a professional scuba diver and study the ocean. I already am a scuba diver, but it’s a hobby and not something I’m able to do very often at all.

40. Do you use anything on your lips? (eg. Chapstick, gloss, balm, lipstick)

I’ll wear chapstick if I have a cold

41. How would you describe your sense of humour?

Intellectual and dry

42. What things annoy you more than anything else?

People who think they’re better than everyone else and people who recognize a fault in themselves and then refuse to work to change it

43. What kind of position are you in at the moment?

I’m laying on my bed, hunched over my laptop

44. Do you wear much jewellery?

Occasionally I’ll wear a necklace or a few rings. I have a lot of non-traditional bracelets (I literally just have pieces of canvas and industrial tie-line wrapped around my wrist). I’m a gay guy and I like to sort-a walk the line between feminine and masculine (often leaning more towards the masc side), so it really depends on my mood.

45. Who is the leader of your country, currently? Any other levels of government with leaders? (State, region, province, county, district, municipality, etc)

A cheese-pizza flavored pringle is currently POTUS and every day the thought of that tears away at a piece of my soul.

46. Last 3 blogs on your dashboard, not including any of your own

@shochmonster @velvet-of-the-night @panicsheerbloodypanic

47. What do you carry your money in?

My pocket, I have a wallet and I don’t use it

48. Do you enjoy driving? Why or why not?

It’s fine, don’t love it don’t hate it

49. Longest drive you have ever been on?

Three days

50. Furthest away from home you have ever been?

Went on a trip to Switzerland to visit family, I think that’s the farthest but I’m not entirely sure.

51. How many times have you moved house?

Twice

52. What is on the floor of the room you’re currently in, not including furniture?

Five paintings, stacks and stacks of books, boxes filled with stuff (mostly more books), plates, glasses, cutlery, clothes

53. How many devices do you own which can access the internet?

2, and iPad and a computer

54. Is there is anything that is guaranteed to always make you happy?

Listening to music

55. Is there anything that always makes you sad?

Thinking about my past for too long

56. What programs do you currently have open?

Google drive, I’m writing

57. What do you associate the colour red with?

Blood and fire

58. Last strong smell you can remember smelling?

Shrimp and butter

59. Last healthy thing you ate?

Three green olives and a handful of bean sprouts

60. Do you drink tea or coffee, and how much per day?

Used to drink coffee like it was life support (which it essentially was), now I’ll have the occasional cup of tea.

61. What do you associate the colour blue with?

Birds and rain

62. How long is the closest ruler you can find?

I don’t think I own one

63. What colour pants/skirt/etc are you currently wearing?

I am wearing olive green corduroy slacks

64. When was the last time you drank water?

30 minutes ago?

65. How often do you clear your browser history?

Never

66. Do you believe nude photos can be artistic, rather than erotic?

Nude anything can be artistic, it can also just be normal, eroticism is in the eye of the beholder.

67. Ever written fanfiction for anything?

Yes dear god so much fanfiction.

68. Last formal event you attended

I genuinely can’t remember, I am have extreme social anxiety and don’t go to events like that unless I absolutely have too

69. If you had to move your birthday to another date, which one would you choose and why?

I don’t care about birthdays

70. Would you prefer to be at a beach or in the countryside?

Beach, I love to swim, I’m also a surfer

71. Roughly how many people live in your town?

Uhm… eight times the number of people who live in the state of Montana and that doesn’t count daily commuters and tourists (New York City is essentially just a tin of sardines, except inside are 8.399 million sardines)

72. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?

No, but three of my friends were born on the day just after my birthday.

73. Favourite place to shop? Can be a certain store or a place where there are multiple stores

The Strand Bookstore, L Train Vintage, any antique shops in the town of Hudson, New York

74. Do you have a smartphone? What kind? If you don’t, do you want one?

I used to have an iPhone 5SE but then it stopped working after a few weeks of quarantine and I haven’t gotten a new one (I’ve had it for about 5-6 years so it makes sense)

75. What is your least favourite colour, and why?

I don’t have a least favorite color, but my favorite color is prussian blue

76. How do you spell grey/gray?

Grey

77. Go to your dashboard and describe the image shown in the radar section (below the “Find blogs” link)

It’s anime fanart for a show I’ve never heard of

78. What difference is there between how many followers you have, and the number of blogs you follow?

79. How many posts do you have?

219

80. How many posts have you liked?

619

81. Do you post mainly reblogs, or your own content?

Mostly reblogs but I do my own content as well

82. Do you track any tags?

No, just blogs

83. What time is it currently?

10:39

84. Is there anything you should be doing right now?

writing

I’m not quite sure who to tag so it’s just open to anyone I guess?

#i love questionaires #they're so much fun

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essiekoneill · 5 years ago

Note

Are you happier now than you were in 2014/15 because it looked like you literally had the world at your feet. Your followers were growing, you got to travel, meet new people, new experiences, money, brand deals etc. no one would give that up

I wish I could explain this simply in words...

It was everything I’d ever wanted and sooo much more... but as soon as I got what I’d wanted it didn’t satisfy me in the ways I thought it would... it all made me want a completely different life. Cant explain how much of a gut feeling it was, like there was suddenly no other option.

Really, so much of social media is image-based, so boring, superficial and repetitive. Our ideas of success aren’t ours... they are force fed by our dominant neoliberal capitalist culture.

And dude, the ppl I met sucked!!! Promoting consumption off ur young idealised body is so icky to me now... I was so obsessed with the image of who I was… ‘Fame’ is such an illusion (like the lil fame I had, and the people that I met waaay more famous than me made that clear)… I gave it up because I needed to… my partner now, my friends, my loves and dislikes, I’m me, and my novel is bomb… idk that whole ‘here is perfect me, my lil body and influencer friends’ so generic. I wanted a truly authentic life and I’m beyond grateful I got to experience so much so young that lead me to the path I’m on now :)

As Jia Tolentino claims, ‘The anti-Instagram statement is now a predictable part of the model/influencer social media life cycle: a beautiful young woman who goes to great pains to maintain and perform her own beauty for an audience will eventually post a note on Instagram revealing that Instagram has become a bottomless pit of personal insecurity and anxiety. She’ll take a week-long break from the social network, and then, almost always, she will go on exactly as before. Resistance to a system is almost always presented on the terms of the system. It’s so much easier, when we gain agency, to use it to adapt rather than to oppose.’ source

#social media #boring generic barbies

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fictionadventurer · 5 years ago

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#97 for the drabbles?

Now that everyone’s forgotten all about this ask game, I’m finally getting to some of the drabble requests. This was a difficult one–it didn’t fit any of my fictional universes, and I struggled to think of a fandom where it would make for a good story. I was going to challenge myself to write something contemporary, but a couple of days ago, I got hit with a sci-fi plot bunny and…the story kind of got away from me. Rather than a drabble, I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time writing a 1700-word short story. I’m sorry for the delay, and I hope it’s at least a little bit worth the wait.

Holographic greenery fills the starship’s entertainment deck, and my consciousness–previously controlling two dozen characters–contracts to focus on a single avatar, a fragile human female swathed in a gauzy pink gown. My emotion circuits are flooded with dread. Not the betrothal scene. It’s the most dreadful part of this whole dreadful script.

The director’s eyes brighten. She brushes wild curls out of her face. “This scene is the key to the entire production. I need passion! High drama!” She inputs directions into the control pad. They instantly become parameters for my performance of Lady Ava. I now have so many parameters–for all seventy-two of the characters I control in this production–that this rehearsal is less of a performance and more of a mechanical recitation.

Just once, I’d like the freedom to perform as I know I can perform. I am designed for storytelling. I’ve been programmed with every great story in human history, have learned from humanity’s greatest performers. I can construct soaring emotional arcs with mathematical precision. But to Trellis Novak, I’m only a collection of code designed to follow the orders laid out in this inane script. If I don’t give the director exactly what she wants, I’ll be shut down and sent for reprogramming.

The director sits in a curved metal chair that looks out of place in this late-second-millennia garden. “Alright, from the top,”

The soaring sounds of violins and flutes fill the garden. The green-clad form of Lord Brimley steps out from behind a rose bush, clutching a late 18th-century iPod. Lord Brimley is controlled by HR-411, the most experienced intelligence in the entertainment deck. It specializes in human males in romance productions, but I doubt even it can make this scene tolerable.

Brimley’s hands sweep up both of Lady Ava’s, and he lifts up his mirrored sunglasses to look into my avatar’s eyes with burning passion. “Ava,” he breathes. “I can’t live without you, but you must…” His voice breaks, and I’m faintly impressed that HR-411 can put such emotion into these lines without short-circuiting. “You must give me up. Lord Brockton has ruined me. I can offer you nothing. No estate. No family name.”

I try to find Ava’s motivation. She has none–the woman’s a cardboard cutout tossed around by the forces of melodrama. So instead, I look for my motivation for continuing this scene.

It’s the captain’s favorite novel, I remind myself. This is our last chance to prove the entertainment deck isn’t an unnecessary drain on resources.

I gaze up into Brimley’s eyes and tremble like a rose leaf in a spring breeze. The director has emphasized Lady Ava’s delicacy, and I’ve made her the most disgustingly delicate human female possible. “I don’t need any of that,” I breathe, running a finger along the cords of his earbuds. “All I need…”

I break off. At first, it sounds like a mirror of Brimley’s performance, his lady overwhelmed by her emotions. Then the silence stretches. And lingers. I can’t bring myself to vocalize the rest of the line.

The director glares at the assistant director–a tall, male Abromian with purple-spotted fur.

“K’lem,” Novak barks. “Which intelligence is controlling Ava?”

K’lem glances at his holo-controls. “AR-524.”

The director scowls. “One of the new ones. Has it shorted?”

“No,” K’lem says, the lavender spots in his fur turning lighter with frustration–or fear. “It’s chosen to pause.”

“Chosen?” the director screeches. “How can it choose? There’s no pause in the script!”

My emotions–what few I can claim for myself and not my characters–flare with indignation. I’m an intelligence, not a programmed image! I am able to–I am expected to!–make choices about my own performance, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot choose to say this line.

Lord Brimley looks at me. The avatar’s eyes, designed to communicate passionate devotion, are now projecting an equally passionate warning. Via background circuits, HR-411 sends me a silent message. Perform as commanded.

It’s what I should do. Intelligences have their freedoms, but only within the parameters set by the director. The script is a non-negotiable parameter–at least with directors as unwilling to negotiate as this one.

I look up into Brimley’s eyes. “All I need,” I continue, “is you. And…”

The moment stretches eternally, as I calculate the possible outcomes of this moment at lightning fast speeds. If I don’t say the line, I’ll be reprogrammed into a different self. But if I do say the line, am I really myself at all?

Like so many of the heroines I know so well, my existence pivots on this choice. Am I just a machine? Or an artist?

I throw down my avatar’s hands. Lady Ava stalks away from Lord Brimley with very un-Ava-like fury. “This is ridiculous!” I cry. In Lady Ava’s feathery tones, my objection sounds just as ridiculous as the scripted line, but I have no time to alter the avatar’s vocalization patterns. “All I need is you and Cheerios? Who would say something so stupid?”

The director glares at me. With only a single avatar holding my consciousness, I sense the full force of her fury, especially since her tall form dwarfs the petite lady Ava. “Are you questioning the script?” Novak demands.

I now understand how Lady Ava must have felt when facing the mad Lord Brockton, but unlike her, I don’t cower. I make the avatar stand taller. “There’s nothing to question! It’s terrible!”

Novak’s eyes narrow. “An intelligence presumes to judge human emotion?”

K’lem holds his control panel in shaking hands, looking frantically between me and Novak and his control board, probably wondering whether to intervene, shut me down, or make a run for it. “Madame, there’s someone com…”

Novak silences him with a glare before turning her fury back toward me. “You think a machine understands human storytelling?”

HR-411 sends me frantic messages via background channels. Stop. Stop. Stop now.

I can’t stop, not unless the director shuts me down. I’ve gone too far to back down now. “No sane person brings up breakfast cereal in this situation! Any sapient construct knows that!”

Novak’s hands tighten around her controls, and she says, with condescending calm, “People in this time period had strong brand loyalties.”

”Even if that’s true, it destroys the dramatic tension!” Lady Ava’s skirts billow as I push her avatar toward the director–fueled by my own emotions for the first time in my existence. I throw Lady Ava’s arms into the air. “The only way the line makes any sense is if it’s a complete farce!”

A deep voice resounds from somewhere beyond the holographic greenery. “The entire production is a farce!”

A human male, standing a head taller than Novak, strides into view. His classically handsome face is etched with battle scars, and his uniform has seven stars at its shoulder. Captain Studniski himself.

Novak shrinks back so much that, were she an intelligence, I’d think she had taken on a different avatar. She frantically brushes the curls back from her face. “Captain,” she stammers. “You’ve caught us in the midst of a technical malfunction…”

Via Brimley, HR-411 glares at me. He floods the background channels with a furious lecture. Unprofessional. Immature. In front of the captain! He goes on for ages–though the data compression of the background channels means I absorb it in seconds. HR’s convinced I’ve destroyed us all. The captain has disliked all of the new director’s holographic shows, and now that I’ve shown that she can’t even control the intelligences, we’ll be shut down forever.

“An utter farce,” the captain repeats, then looks at me–grinning. “One of the finest in human literature.”

Even HR’s background chatter falls silent. We all stare at the captain, and since no one else responds, I decide to speak. “Captain?”

Captain Studniski’s eyes are bright, and he gestures as wildly as the most exuberant of directors as he says, “The novels of Elinor Gomski are among humanity’s finest comedies. Full of satire. Parody. Puns. Slapstick. Hijinks. Some of the most intricately absurd farces ever devised.”

Lady Ava’s avatar stands unnaturally stiff as I process this. Finally, I vocalize, still in Lady Ava’s feathery tones, “It’s supposed to a comedy?”

“What else could it be?”

Everything suddenly makes sense. Lady Ava’s giggle resounds through the deck–now sounding relieved rather than brainless. Of course it’s a comedy! If it hadn’t been for Novak’s restrictive notes, I’d have noticed it long ago.

Captain Studniski turns toward Novak. “Do you mean to tell me you were playing it as a drama?”

“Well, captain, it seemed…”

The captain throws back his head and laughs. "I suspected you had no sense of humor, but this…” He dissolves into another peal of laughter. “I can’t believe none of the intelligences protested before this.”

K’lem raises a furred fist and says, “The intelligences have raised 411 concerns over directorial notes, but Madame Novak prefers to keep tight control…”

Captain Studniski shakes his head. “If you aren’t going to listen to your intelligences, Novak, we may as well shut the whole place down. They’re here to help. Did you even give them access to the original texts?”

Novak stammers, “They had the scripts…”

“How do you expect them to understand the material without access to the originals?” The captain turns toward Lady Ava’s avatar. “You’re an AR intelligence, aren’t you?

“Designation AR-524,” I vocalize.

“I’ll upload some of Gorski’s novels into your library. I’m sure your insights will improve the script.”

I wonder if I’m glitching. Perhaps I’ve been shut down for years now and I’m going mad from lack of stimulation. Because I can’t possibly be hearing…have I just been given creative control?

“My…insights, captain?” I ask. For one, Lady Ava’s fluttery voice is perfect for expressing my hesitance.

Captain Studniski says, “You already understand Gorski better than our director does. I think you have great potential as an artist.”

An artist. The only identity I’ve ever wanted to claim as my own.

With Lady Ava’s face, I smile.

#ask games #answered asks #adventures in writing #theamiableanachronism #i'll probably come up with a universe name for this eventually #it's mostly just me spitting out random details but it's still kind of fun

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sun-to-my-luna · 6 years ago

Text

#XVIII

― the time has come.

The focus of today is Camila’s self-titled album “Camila.” Depending on the person music has a variety of interpretation, and today we’ll be looking {into it}, and at other things. Not from the average CS perspective. Not from the general public perspective, but from a totally different perspective.

ps. want to mention beforehand that I know I don’t usually talk about darker shit, but because it makes sense I feel like I should.

Anyways as we all know IHQ was placed in the intro of the “CITC” MV for promotional reasons, and they both weren’t put onto her album. IHQ was simply released as a single for the sole purpose of drama. It either left everyone wondering who it was really about, or confirmed the narrative that there was a nonexistent grudge.

When someone first listens to “I Have Questions” it sounds like a somber song aimed at a love interest, or possibly the girls of Fifth Harmony. Butー there’s one possibility no one seems to think about.

Maybe the song is towards multiple people, or at least for someone else. “Them” or those that control every aspect of her life except for what’s actually private.

This theoretical analysis will be divided into three parts.

When this was posted the “LAND vs. C” narrative had already been put into motion. Everyone else (GP) was lead to believe that the song was supposedly about the group when in fact it most likely wasn’t. The girls were out having fun...but Camila was stuck in a hotel bathroom all day writing songs? It doesn’t make sense, unless she was actually being forced to work on her album...which was later delayed on purpose.

I’ll start with this string of tweets.

The guy in the tweet above is the SND at Interscope Records, and he is giving a power statement in that tweet that says, “ They work for you. You do as you’re told,” or “You don’t tell them how to do their job.”

That same day underneath that tweet he received a comment from Chippy who I completely agreed with, but “Marcus” here seemed to disagree, and answered back sarcastically.

Then on May 27th he tweeted this. *cough* Are you referring to MJ? *cough*

I noticed this tweet on a different account run by someone else from the #E*** clan.

“ーThe Artist is doing mostly all of the work, & the label is just the #plug. The machine.. labels don’t even care if an artist doesn’t sell, they’re making money from streaming & singles & shenanigans (PR, Scandals, and Media..etc.)”

He’s right, but the thing I found the most interesting is he used the term “ machine” (similar to Chely Wright) to describe the big labels.

II.

***This next section is going to get a bit dark.***

All kinds of stuff has been mentioned on my blog before like “the dark web”, but nothing quite similar to the level of this. I’m going to explain it only briefly.

Commercial cult manipulation:

What is a cult? A cult is a group of people who organize around a strong authority figure in this case a multi-level marketing organization, aka. “Major Label.” Cults attempt to expand their influence for the purpose of money. They change someone’s old identity with a new one. The person may not have chosen that identity.

Before a celebrity becomes a“celebrity” in the entertainment industry they’re a normal person with a normal life under the radar. After they get into a position of known status they have to maintain an image (that they don’t choose), and they need to maintain their brand.

Because that’s what they become, a brand that makes other people money.

Edgar Schein described the process of “coercive persuasion” as a 3 stage process.

“an unfreezing of the identity” - breaking the person down

“changing” - the change that should happen to the person

“refreezing” - Reinforcing the new identity.

Everyone in Fifth Harmony had been assigned a certain role since the beginning, and if you watch interviews you’ll see that clearly enough. We’ve even mentioned here on tumblr before; how they break an artist down only to build that artist’s image up again, and that’s a constant change.

Mind Control:

Bare in mind: mind control in a cult setting is a system that messes with someone’s identity

Mind control is not brainwashing

The people involved unwittingly participate, by cooperating with their controllers, and giving them private information that they don’t know will be used against them. Mind control in a commercial cult setting is achieved by placing a person in a social environment where in order to function, they have to replace their old identity, and adhere to the new identity.

Emotional Control:

Fear and guilt are central to any thought reform/mind control program. Cult tactics include: inducing fears and phobias in group members to allow the leadership to maintain control. Members can believe that all sorts of horrible things may happen if they don't follow the rules.

For example: If you come out, then you’ll lose fans or won’t have a career.

Alyson Stoner:

+ Plus many more.

They lose the freedom to choose for themselves, the freedom to do what they want, have the relationships they want or even eat what they like.

“Mind control may be largely understood by analysis of the three components described by Leon Festinger, a psychologist, in what has become known as the "cognitive dissonance theory.”“

These components are control of behavior, control of thoughts, and control of emotions.

Behavior Control:

Behavior control is the regulation of an individual's physical reality. It includes the control of his environment— what clothing he wears, what food he eats, how much sleep he gets—as well as other actions he performs.

This need for behavior control is the reason most cults give a very rigid schedule for their members.

We know they’re always over-working her.

In addition, new diets and eating schedules also can have a disorienting effect. (Lost a little wight because I wasn’t eating.) After someone has been broken down, they must be built up again as the "new man" (or "new woman," as the case may be.)

In a mind control environment, freedom of choice is the first thing that one loses. The reason for that loss is simple: the cult member is no longer themselves. Then, without warning, they seem to become their old self, with their old attitudes and mannerisms. Just as suddenly, they flip back to being a stranger.

Now obviously I’m not saying they’re a part of commercial cult manipulation. What I’m saying is there’s so much more shit that happens in the music industry that we don’t know if they could be or not. Cardi B has said it herself on instagram live, “ People have evil intentions around you. The Music Industry is more fucked up than the streets. The streets are way easier.” Anyways with that being:

III.

Lyrical Analysis―

Why did you leave me here to burn?

I’m way too young to be this hurt.

I feel doomed in hotel rooms staring straight up at the wall.

Camila was no longer a part of the Fifth Harmony partnership which means she was rarely getting paid for merch, and for preforming. They were forcibly making her a solo artist while she was still in the group, and they were most likely feeding her ideas about it since 2015, even though she still wanted to be a part of the group. (Notice how Camila/Roger worded the statement. Not once were the girls mentioned, only the brand, aka Fifth Harmony.)

―“I was shocked to read the statement the Fifth Harmony account posted without my knowing. Saying that they were just informed through my representatives that I was “leaving the group” is simply not true. I did not intend to end things with Fifth Harmony this way.”

She was probably working non-stop on her album all through out the 7/27 tour, and if that was the case it wouldn’t surprise me if she felt stressed, or tired.

One example is during the 7/27 tour in St. Louis when she had an anxiety attack, and couldn’t preform, but still preformed the next day. Panic attacks can happen because of demanding situations, or stress whether it be physical, emotional, or psychological.

Do you care, Do you care? Why don’t you care?

I gave you all of me

My blood my sweat my heart and my tears

Why don’t you care?

{Camila}: “They were actually working us to the fucking bone.”

{Lauren to Ally}: “ They’re making decisions on a regular basis to fuck us over, to make us literal slaves Ally.. we’re doing fucking labor everyday, and we see nothing.”

NUMBER 1 tell me who do you think you are?

You’ve got some nerve trying to tear my faith apart.

NUMBER 2 why would you try to play me for a fool?

I should've never trusted you.

The Camila from 2014 who was just a girl with big dreams, and the Camila from 2016 the girl that was feeling doomed inside hotel rooms... have two very different demeanors.

Yes, it’s true bands never last a long time together, but they made the fans that she loved hate her. That way she wouldn’t have a choice, but to leave because they didn’t want her in the group anymore. They made her want to leave. They pushed the solo idea onto her. They kicked her off of Fifth Harmony. They broke her down. She was so tired, and you could tell.

NUMBER 3 why would you who you swore that you would be?

These people made it seem like she could trust them, and she believed that. Those people were supposed to be there for her. They were supposed to be her stepping stone. They were supposed to care. The only back they were looking out for though was their own. She would be the next rising “pop idol” and they did what they could to make it happen.

Money is more important than someone else’s emotions, and health to them.

Don’t believe me? Ask Lauren Jauregui’s knee infection.

With that I leave you this:

No matter how successful someone is, or how happy someone looks it doesn’t mean that they’re actually happy. There’s a lot of things that go on behind the scenes that nobody knows about. You may think you know, but you don’t. They show you 10% of their life on social media, but that doesn’t mean you automatically know 90% of their life. You may talk to them for 5- 15 minutes, but that doesn’t mean you know what they’re going through. Make sure you show them love. Make sure you show them support. Make sure they know that no matter what they’re going through they have a fan base that won’t ever stop appreciating them even if they end up being poor. Show them you care no matter what. Show them you love them for them and not just because they’re “famous.” If you’re lucky enough give them the longest hug you can, because not everyone can.

#music industry #camz cabello #lolo and camz #lolo jauregui #camz and lolo #gaymila cabello #gaymila #lauren jauregay #camren #lauren and camila #camila and lauren

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shirlleycoyle · 5 years ago

Text

The Fleshlight Is a Portal to the Future of Sex

“It’s quite possible someone’s having sex with me right now and I don’t even know it,” adult performer and director Stoya told me.

Her vulva is for sale on the internet and in stores. Or rather, a rubbery, lifelike mold of her vulva is, in the form of a Fleshlight. The outside of it looks almost exactly like her actual body. The inside is a labyrinth of corkscrew shapes, nodules, and ridges. It’s dubbed “The Destroya,” a name that, nine years after the product launched, still makes her laugh.

Fleshlight manufacturer Interactive Lifeforms LLC has sold more than 75,000 Destroyas and more than 15 million Fleshlights total since the company started 20 years ago. It averages around 20,000 retail orders every month, according to a spokesperson for the company.

At around 1.63 pounds each, that’s nearly 24.5 million pounds of fucktoy floating around, taking up space in closets, nightstands, and under beds around the world.

The Fleshlight is an artifact of the sexually adventurous, technologically innovative 90s, but it’s become the face—and lips, and anus, and lips—of the male sex toy industry. The fact that a disembodied vulva and vaginal canal to jerk off into exists in 2019, the era of #MeToo and grabbed pussies and tabloid uproar over sex robots, shows the often contradictory intersection of sex and technology.

On one hand, the Fleshlight is a portal to new forms of sexual openness, allowing people, even those who think of themselves as heterosexual men, to engage in sex that moves away from old notions of gender and the biological body in general. On the other, the Fleshlight is also the reduction of a person to a replica of their reproductive organs. But 21 years since its inception, Fleshlight, the people who use them, and sex toy experts are realizing that maybe people don’t need an exact replica of a vulva or anus to get off. Sex toys are increasingly taking on more abstract, functional forms, and the future of the Fleshlight and toys like it may rely less on using replicas of disembodied genitals.

Today, the Fleshlight is polarizing even for the people who use it. No matter your opinion of the ubiquitous brand, it’s made an undeniable mark on human sexuality and the world.

Hundreds of years from now, if sentient life still exists on Earth, when archeologists dig up the still-intact bits and pieces of plastic casings containing rubberized genitalia, what will they think of the Fleshlight? Will it be considered an antiquated representation of how society literally objectified and commodifed sexual pleasure, or a turning point in the normalization of sex toys for all people, and our first step into a world where technology is an inseparable part of sex?

The answer, according to people who make them, use them, and are them, is both.

WHAT MAKES A FLESHLIGHT

The original Fleshlight model consists of a 10-inch plastic tube casing with a soft sleeve inside. You stick an erect dick (plus some water-based lube) into one end, grip ridges on the outside of the casing, and stroke the penis inside of the sleeve. You fuck the tube, come in the tube, then (ideally promptly) unscrew the whole apparatus and rinse it out with water (soap could degrade the material) and dry it.

Earliest archived version of Fleshlight.com, captured May 1998

Why the Fleshlight exists is a complicated story that’s become seminal sex toy lore. If the many interviews given by the company’s founder Steve Shubin are to be believed, the Fleshlight was born from his desire to get off while his spouse was pregnant.

In the late 90s Shubin, a former member of the Los Angeles Police Department’s SWAT team, and his wife Kathy were expecting twins. Both in their 40s, the couple was advised by doctors that because of their age and the fact Kathy was having two babies, the pregnancy was high-risk. He claims they were told not to have sex again until after the baby was born.

“I asked my wife ‘would you think I was a pervert if I told you there was something that I could use, sexually?'” Shubin told Wired in 2008. “But the adult store had only junk. Just crap. I thought, I can make something better, and took $50,000 of our savings to start working on it.”

Image from the 1997 patent filing for a “discrete sperm collection” device.

Shubin’s first patent filing, in 1995, was for a “female functional mannequin,” a hard sex doll torso. He called his next invention, which boiled the whole doll down to just the genitals, a “device for discreet sperm collection.” The proto-Fleshlight.

This version of the Fleshlight was pretty similar to what we see on the market today. But the description Shubin laid out in the 1997 patent filing was much more clinical. The product was framed as useful for sperm banks or doctors’ offices.

It also predicted some of the embarrassment many men feel from tucking a sex toy away in their own homes:

While my [sex doll] patent succeeds admirably in fulfilling the objects of that invention, it has several characteristics that prevent it from universal acceptance. When the torso mannequin is used in sperm banks, doctor’s offices, and other public facilities, it is sometimes intimidating to the patient being treated or may have an adverse effect upon the patient’s sexual desire and ability to deposit sperm. […] When the device of my patent is used in the home, or by those who find such a mannequin to be positive in nature, there is the concern that others will still find the object during a casual visit to the home.

The earliest version of Fleshlight.com that’s archived online, captured in 1998, shows a company attempting to carve a path as the first widely-accepted male sex toy by characterizing it as a requirement of virility, manliness, and insatiable sex drive. From an archive of Fleshlight’s “Our Philosophy” page circa May 1998:

The need for sexual gratification is as present and as powerful in a man as it is in the stallion. But where the stallion has no ability to wait, relentlessly pursuing his desire until he is satisfied or restrained, man has the ability to control his desires through fantasy… That release has to be done in a responsible way or we risk our relationships, expose ourselves to disease, take a chance with unwanted pregnancy, or even, in extreme cases, break the law.

The market, and we as a species, were primed for this thing to succeed. Hallie Lieberman, sex historian and author of Buzz: The Stimulating History of the Sex Toy, told me that artificial vaginas and sleeves date as far back as the 1600s—the first being Japanese masturbators made from tortoiseshell and velvet, she said. Artificial vaginas were sold in the U.S. as early as the late 1800s, she said, and Doc Johnson debuted the “pocket pal” in the late 1970s. Pocket pals look a lot like Fleshlights without the hard case around them (therefore, like long fleshy sandworms), and the labias themselves are a lot more realistic-looking compared to Fleshlights’ more smooth, almost cartoonish aesthetic.

Doc Johnson’s “Pocket Pal,” as seen for sale on Amazon.

When Fleshlight hit the market in the late 1990s, sex toys marketed to male customers still mostly consisted of “pocket pussies,” “those disembodied, often clunky looking artificial vaginas—sometimes with fake pubic hair,” Lynn Comella, associate professor of gender and sexuality studies at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas and author of Vibrator Nation, told me. “They were really kind of gross looking and for years, many women-friendly retailers, such as Good Vibrations, refused to carry them because they felt that displaying disembodied female body parts didn’t fit with their women-friendly vibe.” (San Francisco-based Good Vibrations became the first sex-positive, women-friendly sex shop in the U.S. in 1997.)

“Some Fleshlight designs actually depict women’s genitals beautifully, like a more commercialized version of a Georgia O’Keefe painting.”

Since time immemorial, men have been fucking whatever they can get their hands on, whether it be rubber gloves, toiler paper rolls, couch cushions, fruit, teddy bears, etc. A story about a Redditor who jerked off into a coconut, then later had his penis covered by maggots (he did it multiple times with the same coconut), has become treasured Reddit lore. There are also communities committed to exploring upscale DIY masturbators by refashioning Pringles cans, sponges, and building a better Fleshlight.

The Fleshlight arrived in a perfect pro-masturbation societal storm, Lieberman said: On the heels of the safe sex messaging of the 1980s AIDS crisis, in the midst of cultural landmarks like Seinfeld’s 1992 episode “The Contest” which grappled with masturbation both male and female, and as the White House forced Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders to resign in 1994 for suggesting masturbation should be taught in school. In the 90s, masturbation, for better or worse, was discussed more openly than ever.

Shubin couldn’t have happened into a better time to unveil a tasteful sex toy for penis-having people. But the Fleshlight founder’s reputation is controversial: he’s waxed nostalgic in interviews about his time as an aggressive LAPD cop, and the company’s Glassdoor reviews are generally abysmal.

In 2010, Stoya stopped by the Fleshlight headquarters in Austin, Texas before her mold was made, and described Shubin as a “mountain of a man” who normalized the absurdity that surrounded him.

“He was like, ‘We’re having a meetin’ about selling your vulva, in a can, in a box,'” she said. “It suddenly seems so reasonable and everyday when you’re talking, but you get back to regular life and it’s like, Ha, there are like 100,000 replicas of my pussy floating around.”

USER EXPERIENCES

When I went looking for Fleshlight users, nearly 200 people messaged me to voluntarily talk about their Fleshlight experiences.

“It felt a lot better than I thought it would, which kind of depressed me tbh,” one Fleshlight user told me. “Made me miss actual physical intimacy. Hence why I only used it like 5 times.”

I offered all of them anonymity in order to speak freely about their private, sexual experiences, and asked the ones who requested anonymity to explain why they didn’t want to be named. Almost all of them cited some element of social stigma or shame.

The overwhelming majority of these people were male-identifying. Many said they were lapsed Fleshlight or non-Fleshlight pocket pussy enthusiasts—guys who told me they’d been gifted a masturbation sleeve of some kind, years ago, or bought one on a whim, and used it once or twice before casting it aside again. Several cited the difficulty of cleaning the Fleshlight for why they don’t use it more.

At least three cited some hazing ritual in college, or sharing one pocket pussy with an entire group of male friends.

Several described feeling a sense of disgust with themselves after using it.

“Used it like 4 times, post nut clarity hit extra hard, & now it’s somewhere in my closet soaked in semen & dust,” said one person.

Almost everyone who spoke to me said the feeling of masturbating into a fake vagina is nothing like the real thing.

“They’re billed as lifelike, and they simply are not,” one said. “Of course! It’s a chunk of rubber at the end of the day. It’s not a bad thing, they feel good.”

A few men told me that they use Fleshlights due to physical disability, to increase stamina, or conditions that make it difficult for them to have sex otherwise. One said he bought his online when he was 22. Because he has cerebral palsy, finding sexual partners is difficult. A Fleshlight, he thought, would make imagining the experience more vivid.

“It was what I expected, but it was also more difficult to enjoy for me as my hand would cramp from using the plastic container thing it came with for extra suction,” he said. “As a disabled user, it allowed me the freedom and knowledge that sex toys were definitely for me! It helped me deal with some of the loneliness that I was experiencing.”

I also spoke with Dan Cooper, senior editor at Engadget, about his experience reviewing a Fleshlight Launch—the company’s digital product made with teledildonics company Kiiroo, that moves up and down on its own, in tandem with porn scenes. Cooper’s childhood phimosis (a condition that causes over-tightening of the foreskin) led to him needing a medical circumcision, which he said gave him limited sensitivity during sex or masturbation.

“Even as someone who thinks of themselves as sex-positive, I’ve always held the view that Fleshlights were a bit sad,” Cooper told me. “I’d assumed that they wouldn’t have worked with my broken genitals, but it was revelatory how effective (and fun) they are to use.”

A few wives and girlfriends told me why they bought their male partners Fleshlights as gifts. Their stories usually involved buying masturbators as a couple, to use while traveling or in long-distance relationships. Some said they were gifts to use during military deployments.

Karabella, a trans woman and porn performer, told me that she first encountered a Fleshlight in 2012, on her first big production shoot. “I’d never even heard of a ‘pocket pussy’ before, but [the director] pulled out a brand new one and handed it to me,” she said. “It wasn’t exactly inviting when I first slid into the butthole-shaped slit of cold silicone, so I initially started to lose my erection. However, as it began to warm up around me it was increasingly difficult to differentiate between it and real flesh.” Seven years later, using a Fleshlight has become a staple of her cam shows and performances.

HOW IT’S MADE

Beyond what’s publicly available on the Fleshlight website, specific details about the production of Fleshlights are a closely-guarded company secret. No one outside the company seems to know what the soft, skin-like material—trademarked as “Real Feel SuperSkin”—is made out of.

Kristen Kaye, Fleshlight’s Head of Business Development until late last month when she left the company, said that the material “is indeed proprietary.” She told me she believes it is biodegradable, and “made of natural materials, mostly.”

The closest I came to finding the secret recipe for SuperSkin was through the founder of FleshAssist.com, a website devoted to all things Fleshlight and masturbators. A 24-year old web developer who goes by the pseudonym John started FleshAssist in 2014 after years spent frequenting Fleshlight forums. He told me in an email that ever since buying his first name-brand Fleshlight at 20 years old, he was “hooked.”

John told me that SuperSkin, as far as he’s aware, is made from “amorphous polymers,” a mixture of PVC and silicone. It’s similar to CyberSkin, another type of thermoplastic faux-skin material used in lots of non-Fleshlight brand sex toys and dolls (but not patented, like SuperSkin).

“The trick with softer materials is that they will inevitably not feel as velvety or suede-y as harder silicone,” Emily Sauer, founder of sex wearable company Ohnut, told me. “So there is in the development of the product, there is a constant battle between, you know, does it feel too sticky? Does it feel gross in any way? There’s a very fine line.”

“The hand is just way easier. Boner. Hand. Done. It’s that simple.”

Micropores in the Fleshlight’s PVC make their “skin” more realistic to the touch, but also can never be fully, truly sterilized once it’s used. The top complaint I heard from all of the Fleshlight users I spoke to was that it’s too hard to clean to use regularly.

“That’s really gross to me that guys don’t even rinse them out right after, now I’m thinking about it,” Kaye said. “How hard it would be to clean…. If you were to let things dry in there, how disgusting that would be?”

After our call, I borrowed a friend’s (unused) Fleshlight to find out for myself. It’s relatively easy to unscrew the pieces and take apart, and there’s a hole in both ends of the removable soft sleeve to run water through it. As In Bed Magazine’s YouTube review notes, the most inconvenient part of cleaning is leaving it out to dry in the open long enough that you can safely store it without worrying about mold growing in a wet, airtight can—but not so long that your roommates or family stumble across a silicone worm with a vulva on the end of it.

“I think it just comes down to laziness, to be honest,” Kaye said about why people don’t regularly clean their Fleshlights.

According to my very informal online polling, she’s right.

“The biggest annoyance for me was the clean up,” Twitter user and self-proclaimed “vaginal aficionado” @BurlClooney said. Burl first heard about Fleshlight on an episode of Joe Rogan’s podcast, which had a partnership with the company from 2010 to around 2012, according to Rogan’s tweets at the time.

“Your semen goes down into a base at the bottom and you should really clean that shit immediately,” he said. “But, I usually just wanted to sleep right away and would leave it until the next day or I would forget until I next used it. It was absolutely fucking disgusting. The cum would turn a weird color and it was so gross to clean out then. However, I mainly stopped due to all the prep work. The hand is just way easier. Boner. Hand. Done. It’s that simple.”

BECOMING A ‘FLESHLIGHT GIRL’

Stoya told me she once fucked a man with a mold of her own silicone vagina.

“It was so like, bizarrely narcissistic, but kind of beautiful,” she said.

She’s featured in one of Fleshlight’s most popular product lines, the Fleshlight Girls. There are also Fleshlight Boys (anal molds), and Guys (dildos), all modeled after real porn performers’ anatomy. Fleshlight currently offers around 45 models of Fleshlight Girls, including Stoya, Riley Reid, Jessica Drake, and Kissa Sins.

“I was laughing and talking a lot, and they told me to be careful, because your asshole actually moves a little bit when you laugh.”

Becoming a Fleshlight Girl is a career goal for many in the industry. Kaye, who led the selection of Fleshlight models, told me that three or four years ago the performer’s popularity rank on Pornhub, for example, would have been a deciding factor. Now, she looks at a variety of metrics—social media following, engagement online, how entrepreneurial and invested they are in their own success.

As secretive as the SuperSkin material recipe is, the process of molding a real vulva into SuperSkin is kept even more tight-lipped.

Fleshlight Girl Elsa Jean told me that the process of getting her custom mold done involved going to the Fleshlight headquarters in Austin and having someone cast a mold of her vulva and anus. Fleshlight models’ genitalia are also photographed using a 3D camera, and the final mold is hand-sculpted by a professional artist to get the details as accurate as possible.

“For my butthole, I had to go into a doggy[-style position],” Jean said. “I was laughing and talking a lot, and they told me to be careful, because your asshole actually moves a little bit when you laugh.”

Once they’re finished making the silicone mold, the models are given the product to check out. When Stoya saw a Fleshlight modeled after her own anatomy for the first time, the first thing she did was text a handful of her former lovers a photo of the silicone vulva. They’d know, she reasoned, if it was realistically accurate. (They said it was.)

“It was a very like, holy shit moment,” Stoya said. “You feel a bit like an action figure.”

Models are paid in royalties instead of a flat fee. The more that sell, the more money they personally make. For Stoya, being recruited for a Fleshlight of her own was a springboard into independence in the adult industry. “It’s what’s enabled me to start independent porn companies like Zero Spaces,” she said. “It’s sold well enough that it gives me the extra resources to do creative things.”

“Having my vagina and butthole on sale for people is actually pretty amazing,” Jean said. “Believe it or not, it was one of my goals when I first started in the industry. It’s as close as they can get to having the real thing.”

The actual objectification—turning a woman’s body into an object—involved in making a custom Fleshlight has brought the company, and anatomically-correct masturbation sleeves generally, some criticism.

“I don’t think it’s objectifying,” Lieberman said. “In fact, I’d even say that some Fleshlight designs actually depict women’s genitals beautifully, like a more commercialized version of a Georgia O’Keefe painting.”

I asked Stoya how she feels about the objectification criticism, as someone who’s worked in the adult industry as an actor, director, writer and business owner. Is the idea that hundreds of men could be fucking “her” right now weird at all?

After all, hundreds of people could be jerking off to her porn right now, too—and isn’t that kind of the same? Not at all, she said.

“People like don’t give a fuck largely about who’s doing the fucking [in mainstream porn], who’s coming up with the fucking, but with a Fleshlight—someone has looked [for me],” she said. “And even if they don’t know who I am, or my work, or care who I am as a person? They’ve still chosen my vulva. And that’s qualitatively different.”

People choose the Stoya Fleshlight because they’ve seen her work, or read something she’s written, or even just read the description on the product page of her persona, she said—and liked what they saw enough to pay $79.95 to fantasize about fucking her.

“That feels really humanizing,” Stoya said. “Whereas seeing one of my videos pirated on Pornhub with a sentence in the description that says, ‘Don’t mention the performers name so she can’t find this and get this removed’? That’s really dehumanizing, and really separates you from your work. With the Fleshlight, it’s the opposite.”

THE STIGMA

As the woman charged with marketing a plastic pussy to the masses, Kaye had a big job. And a huge part of that job, she told me, is overcoming the stigma attached to masturbation sleeves, and the men who buy them. Kaye’s worked in the adult industry—in advertising, consulting, and marketing—for 13 years, but for the last three with Fleshlight, she’s made it her mission to drag that shame out from under men’s beds and bring masturbation tools into the light.

“Unfortunately, for men, there are stigmas attached to using a masturbation device… because for whatever reason, if a guy’s masturbating or talks about masturbating, it’s like they’re not getting laid,” she said.

“For cis-gendered males, revealing you have a fleshlight gives implications that you can’t ‘get a girl’ on your own, which inhibits the positive ramifications of using sex toys,” one anonymous user told me. “In reality, they can help people explore what satisfies them, and healthily masturbating can relieve stress or just clear one’s mind, at least in my experience.”

“I feel like a lot of men feel ashamed or embarrassed for using one, but when you’re having a dry spell or not getting laid often, it’s very beneficial,” Twitter user @g0dsparadise said. “I have given Fleshlights as gifts in the past, I have told my closest friends about it, and I am hoping that one day it becomes very common to own one just because this whole stigma is ridiculous to me.”

Some pointed out a percieved double standard between male and female-gendered sex toys. “There’s an interesting dichotomy,” Cooper said. He attributed it to women’s sex toys being seen as “luxurious” and respected, while men’s typically aren’t. “But it all drills back to the idea that we should somehow be ashamed of sex.”

FleshAssist founder John told me that while the stigma itself isn’t as bad as it used to be, it still exists.

“I saw a comment before that said something along the lines of ‘a dildo looks potent, it shows that a woman doesn’t need a man,’ making it a symbol of female independence and empowerment,” John said. “I think if we flip that around, and say ‘a man with a masturbator shows that he doesn’t need a woman’ it doesn’t have the same resonance at all.”

Liberman said that she has noticed this stigma, too—and that despite toys like Fleshlight in the mainstream, it hasn’t changed much. “I think that’s because men are supposed to be self-sufficient and not need additional tools to get off,” she said. “Their hands are supposed to be all they need.”

THE FUTURE OF FUCKTOYS

It’s possible that the Fleshlight and other toys like it are a decent oracle for the future of sex.

If the analog Fleshlight was a step toward destigmatizing male sex toys, its interactive, internet-connected iteration could help bring virtual reality sex to the mainstream.

Fleshlight’s Launch device syncs automatic, motorized movement with interactive porn content. It’s a Fleshlight sleeve inside a casing shaped and sized like a wine chiller that moves the sleeve up and down in rhythm with the porn it’s synced with.

Fleshlight isn’t the first sex toy to combine porn, virtual reality, and a connected device that syncs the two. Around the time the earliest adult-themed virtual reality films were revealed, in 2015, people started wondering if porn would be the thing to finally push VR into the mainstream.

Sex toys that interact with film and VR open new worlds of transcending what your physical, corporeally-limited body could experience. Companies like Camasutra exist today that scan real humans into avatars for fuckability in virtual worlds. There’s no limit to what you can embody, sexually, in these virtual environments.

“The porn and sex-toy industries have always led the way in technological innovation: from the electrification of the vibrator in the late 19th century to the early adoption of VHS by porn directors,” Lieberman said. “VR and the Fleshlight are just extensions of this trend that stretches back all the way to the printing press and erotic literature.”

She attributes this innovation to a need for something novel. Putting your dick inside a mechanized stroker-bot certainly is that, and Fleshlight, as it chases the interactive trend, knows it.

As our identities become more openly fluid and less binary, so do our toys. Ohnut, another wearable, doesn’t look like anything anatomical at all. Even the color, a pale jade, is meant to evoke a neutrality without being skin-like. Like Kaye, Ohnut’s founder Sauer also mentioned the concept of enhancement. “It’s not trying to replace skin. It’s not trying to replace a person or anything. It enhances,” she said.

Sauer points to Tenga, a Japanese company that’s been making disposable soft strokers and sleeves since 2005, as an example of where the industry could continue heading: Toward a less gendered, more pleasure-centered future of sex. One of their products, the Tenga Egg, is a handheld stroker shaped like a gummy, hollow egg, and they’re sold inside Easter egg-hunt-shaped packaging.

“They’re de-misogynizing the male masturbator,” Sauer said. “[Tenga products] are so delightful, but they’re just as dirty. They’re meant to be thrown away, but they come in really fun patterns. And what’s less masculine than a white egg?”

“I think that sex toys now are moving away from realism: the idea that a person would only want to masturbate with a replica of genitals is kind of going away,” Lieberman said. “People are more focused on both the utility of a device (does it give me an orgasm) and the design: they want something that looks beautiful.” She noted that the Eva II vibrator by Dame, and Unbound’s Bean and Squish are geometric—not dick or vulva-shaped.

Fleshlight is no exception to this trend. According to Kaye, the Fleshlight Turbo, a newer, non-anatomical sleeve, is creeping up in reviews. It looks nothing like human anatomy. It doesn’t even come in “skin” colors—only “Blue Ice” and “Copper.” (However, a helpful cross-section of the Turbo labels where you’re meant to imagine the lips, throat and tongue would be.)

Screenshot via Fleshlight.com

“I think marketing the other stuff—the stuff that’s not like, pardon my French, fucking a rubber pussy—that’s how we’ve transitioned our marketing approach,” Kaye said. “The exact replica of the genitalia? I think that’s kind of getting tired. I see that the younger people are more inclined to get the stuff that’s non-anatomical, that’s a little more discreet.”

“The idea that a person would only want to masturbate with a replica of genitals is kind of going away.”

“There’s more of an acknowledgement that many people don’t fit into the gender binary and our toys should reflect that,” Lieberman said. “I think that gender neutral sex toys are popular now because sex toys always reflect the culture of the time they’re created in; they reflect the current gender norms…. I think this shift in sex toy design to gender neutral reflects both a profit motive and a desire for inclusivity.”

For some companies, this might be an inclusivity effort, but for others, “it’s a response to the fact that inclusivity can be profitable,” Comella said. “A business that de-genders vibrators or ‘queers’ sex toys also expands its potential market reach by eliminating labels that don’t have to be there in the first place.”

But for those who still want the visual illusion of another person, Fleshlight isn’t going anywhere.

“That’s the thing to always keep in mind with the adult industry: It’s the business of fantasy,” Stoya said. “It’s like magic or professional wrestling. The audience who enjoys it comes in, ready to suspend their disbelief.”

Lieberman believes that lifelike sex toys impact our sexuality mostly for the good. If you want the feeling of fucking a penis or vagina or butthole without another person attached to it, that option is available to us, here in the future.

“I’m not sure that our society is that much different for having the Fleshlight in the world,” Lieberman said. “But our society is better when more people are having orgasms, and since Fleshlights provide orgasms, then our society is a bit happier thanks to the device.”

The Fleshlight Is a Portal to the Future of Sex syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

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fellowhuman-being · 6 years ago

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Insight on Hollywood - Fifth Harmony Related

So for fans who are “woke”, I think you guys know that whatever you read on articles, what you see on Instagram and Instagram story, or even what your most favorite artist tweets are not all real. @emisonme @decoding1432 and @sun-to-my-luna has exposed a lot about it in their page. So you better go there to get deeper understanding about “the men in suit”.

I came across this game called “Choices” where in this game, you can choose your story based on the options given to you. Different options of course lead to different stories, but I guess the ending is still almost the same. So there is this book called “Red Carpet Diaries” in the game. It gives a little hindsight about what happened in Hollywood. If you wanna know the technical things that “the men in suit” do to their artists, you might as well just try this game and you’ll get an idea about how things works with contracts and stuff.

This game tells a story about a new actress, but the technical stuff is almost the same for a newborn singers. I’ll explain about the story a little and highlight important parts that will give you a hint to how “the men in suit” works. This is gonna be a bit long, so bear with me. (For those who don’t wanna get spoiled of the story, I guess you can play on the game first before you read this article).

These are the links to see the big picture of the story. (You can just skip if you’re too lazy and just jump to play the game in your phone by downloading it through AppStore or PlayStore lol... Or you can just jump to my article below)

http://choices-stories-you-play.wikia.com/wiki/Red_Carpet_Diaries,_Book_1_Choices

http://choices-stories-you-play.wikia.com/wiki/Red_Carpet_Diaries,_Book_2

So the story is about an actress whose talent is good and comes to LA for putting a bet on her career in Hollywood. She has a best friend whom she knows from her hometown who currently works as a Junior Agent in a big talent agency. The Book 1 basically shows about how she climbs the ladder and tries to become a spotlight in a big film and (let’s cut to the chase) she made it.

Here I will focus on Book 2 where the whirlwind happens when “the men in suit” tries to control this actress‘ life. But before that, don’t get surprised that “the men in suit” can play really dirty. I will mention it one by one later. For now, I’ll call this actress as “Ms. Queen”.

After all the success that Ms.Queen has achieved in her first film, she became a star and all Hollywood wants to work with her. Her best friend who becomes her agent got an email that a Director wants to take her as a lead in the season’s biggest blockbuster WITHOUT any casting. It’s an action movie where she will play as an agent trying to capture a former agent who becomes a villain. The filming starts with her mostly trying to perfect her hairflips when she comes out of water wearing a bikini. The director says that she will look like a sexy agent.

I remember how this also happened with Fifth Harmony. They came out straight of a talent show with no record label wanted to take them. It was all like a dream came true when Epic took them. No one even knew their songs. In their age as newborn stars, they needed to follow the instructions that sex appeals and here came all the sexy songs.

Yes, everything also seems like a dream come true for Ms. Queen that after the first stage of filming, she got invited to meet the owner of the film. Let’s just call him “Mr. V”. This Mr. V is “the men in suit” who then gives a promise to Ms. Queen to make her a star. But then at the end of the meeting, Mr. V suddenly tells her that she will have a new manager. In other words, her best friend is not her agent anymore and tells her that he has talked to the owner of her best friend’s agency and both have agreed that it’s for the best. She wanted her best friend to stay as her manager, but then Mr.V says “It’s an order!”. Thus, Ms. Queen now has a new manager named “Tad”

With Fifth Harmony, do you still remember when they were under a new management? Correct me if I’m wrong but if I’m not mistaken with the timeline though, it happened in early 2016 and all hell broke loose.

https://www.billboard.com/articles/news/6836616/fifth-harmony-joins-maverick-management

Under the new management, Ms. Queen has a really tight schedule with endless appearances on shows, interviews, and so on. Tad (the new manager) also wanted her to “fake” date her co-star to boost the film once it is launced. Then of course after a few weeks the film is released, they can post a “break up”. They need to upload in their Pictagram (which is a replacement for Instagram in the game) through a screen in the management office that looks like a real beach. Then the next day, Tad set up a “fake” date in a fancy restaurant where Ms. Queen will have a candle light dinner with her co-star. He invited press and some photographers from gossip blogs. Tad asked Ms. Queen to “make it look real” so that the photographers who stand by can take a highres pictures and video of them looking comfy and cozy together. They are not even allowed to speak as if they were not couple-y. They need to call each other “honey” and all those cute nickname as long as the press is there.

Now, do you see where this is going? This is also what happened with the girls ever since 2016. All the whirlwind especially with “Lauren’s private life” and now even Camila does the same thing. The whole PR stunts were made as if everything looked real while it’s NOT. I don’t need to talk about which one 1 by 1 here. I think you know what I mean.

The next day, surprisingly Mr.V’s secretary calls Ms. Queen that Mr. V would like to have a dinner in a restaurant. The time has been set. But then at the last minute, before Ms. Queen goes off to the restaurant, Mr. V calls and asks to change the place to his mansion / house. He says that he has some business afterwards that it will be better to have the dinner in his house. Sounds fishy? Well, Ms. Queen is too innocent to notice that Mr. V has something up his sleeves. Apparently, during the dinner, Mr. V asks her to sleep with him. She tries to escape the house but then Mr. V tells her “You’re going to regret this. Remember I am the powerful one here.”

I don’t want to jump to conclusions though but do you still remember the rumour about L.A. Reid being accussed for doing sexual assault? I know the one who brought the case to public is not FIfth Harmony but if something happened to any of the girl, I would NOT forgive him.

https://variety.com/2017/music/news/l-a-reid-accused-sexual-harassment-sony-music-epic-records-1202426625/

The next day when Ms. Queen goes to the set, everything is crumbling. You know there is like a cabin or a container where the actors can rest during the break time, right? When Ms. Queen arrives at the set, hers is replaced with a dirty and stinky one. After that, the Director makes an announcement about the poster and Ms. Queen is not in it. Meanwhile, SHE SHOULD BE THE LEAD ACTRESS. After that, surprisingly the Director also says that Ms. Queen is not needed on set on that day. It’s like Mr. V is punishing Ms. Queen for not giving what he wants.

As if things don’t get worse already, when Ms. Queen arrives at the apartment, she gets a call from her best friend. He tells her about the news that she is bully in high school and the source of the news is anonymous. She tries to open her social media, but she can’t open it. Apparently, the password has been changed by Tad (her new manager). Then, she tries to look from another account into her real account. In fact, there is a posting of an apology from her account about what she did in the past and that she would not repeat the mistakes again. But she never even bullied anyone!

Do you think this is kind of familiar? This happens to Fifth Harmony all the time. They always ruin the girls or one of the girls’ image and build it back again later. I still remember how the image of Lauren being a weed user became viral after the incident where she was caught in the airport before she went to Brazil to sing for a show with the girls.

http://www.tmz.com/2016/12/14/fifth-harmony-lauren-jauregui-arrested-weed/

It was such a stupid news to be honest. I think with someone as smart as Lauren (someone with 5.0 GPA like the fans say), it was so stupid to bring weed in the hand carry. Could it be a punishment as well at that time for Lauren? Unfortunately, we never know....... After all, TMZ was always source of PR stunts.

Of course Ms. Queen was pretty sad with what happened. She doesn’t like the “Queen brand” that Mr. V and Tad make. She wants to quit, but apparenly it states in the contract of the film that she will be fined USD 10 million if she quits! She tries to re-read the contract, and it clearly states like that in fact.

Do you still remember when Lauren was asked about what keeps them going for 3 years and Lauren said “a contract” and the situation became awkward? I honestly laughed really hard at her reaction but she wanted to spill some tea!

youtube

You can see the full video here (watch 16:58 - 18:03)

Here Lauren also mentioned about how they performed the same songs over and over again as well as singing songs that they were “given”. At that time, I’m pretty sure they don’t have the “control” that they are talking about. It’s just to give us reassurance that Fifth Harmony is getting better year to year.

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After that, Ms. Queen has a coffee meeting with her best friend (her former agent) and he tells her to just forget everything. Like indeed there is “Queen brand” out there but it’s not the real Ms. Queen. It’s for the people out there who don’t really know her. The Ms. Queen that her friends and relatives know is the complete opposite and 180-degree of that being mentioned in the press and even her own social media. Those who know Ms. Queen before all of this will know that it is NOT the Ms. Queen they know.

So, guys what I get from this game is somehow like a “slap” in the cheek, you know? I know I have always been a fan of the girls. All of them. All 5 of them. And I will always be OT5 stan. But this is also an important message for you guys, fans. This is such a reminder that we need to remember how the girls are back then when all hell hasn’t broken loose. We still remember the kind and cheerful Ally, the kind and beautiful Normani, the kind and smart Lauren, the kind and friendly Camila, and the energetic and sarcastic Dinah. That’s the real them. I know people change. But seriously, how is a characteristic changed though? It’s easy to change your habit, but it’s really hard to change someone’s characteristics. That’s why some things never change.

On the next day, Ms. Queen goes abroad to continue the shooting. But all the props are not safe. Ms. Queen tries to protest but then the Director ignores her. He ensures her that everything is safe and will be alright. So they shoot the capturing scene when Ms. Queen is trying to capture the villain by climbing up the scaffolding. In fact, the actor who plays the villain falls over and breaks his legs and ribs. All the crew was shocked including all the actors. The filming production was postponed for some time and all crews were asked to stay silent about what happened. It’s part of the contract and they were instructed there would be punishment if they breaks the rules. Ms. Queen tries to knocks the Director head but then she unintentionally eavesdrops on the Director’s discussion with his Assistant Director. Apparently, Mr. V cuts the budget on the film production so that the crews need to reduce the budget on the props as well, costing the actors’ safety! Since they were tight in budget, they could not hire a stuntman as well. Ms. Queen was angry and she told everything to the biggest Hollywood gossip show by staying anonymous. But, Mr. V knows that Ms. Queen was the source of the leak. So Ms. Queen gets fired.

Fortunately, even if she gets fired, after reading carefully to the contract, Mr. V cannot sue her for the USD 10 million. Instead, after she gets back to LA, Mr. V blocks the entire street of her apartment and she cannot live in her own appartment. Thus, she is homeless for around 3 days.

What I want to expose here is the power of “the men in suit” in controlling their artits, and the part where the NDA contract plays a role here. You can see if the NDA contract is broken, then there will be sort of “punishment” to the related person. I think this is why Dina Lapolt says that Fifth Harmony’s contract is like the worst she’s ever seen.

https://www.billboard.com/articles/news/magazine-feature/7865161/fifth-harmony-2017-billboard-cover-story

The long road to liberation began with 5H hiring outspoken music lawyer Dina LaPolt at the end of 2015. “I sat the girls in a hotel conference room and for five hours educated them on trademarks, copyrights and rights of publicity,” says LaPolt, who soon helped secure them new management with the preeminent firm Maverick (Madonna, U2, Miley Cyrus). “Then I educated them about every agreement they signed, which [were] the worst I’ve ever seen in the music business.”

LaPolt successfully transferred the Fifth Harmony trademark from Cowell to the group, meaning the women now own the name, along with the right to control how it is used and to profit from any deals. (The agreement -- signed in April 2016, months ahead of Cabello’s exit -- doesn’t name Cabello in the “Fifth Harmony Partnership.” “I don’t represent Camila,” is all LaPolt will say.) She then renegotiated 5H’s contract with Epic, which she characterized as “a very adversarial” process.

Even in this game it is said that “The biggest stars are not just people. They are commodities.”, which means that the investor (”the men in suit”) can play around with the stars as long as they get the money, even if that means that the stars should give up their identity to public. After all, the stars can’t do anything against what they want since they are bound with the contract.

I hope this gives a little hints on how it works in Hollywood and how “the men in suits” control their stars. I surely don’t know th content of the NDA contracts though since nobody can talk about it, but that’s how it works and how bad the punishment can be when the rules are broken.

#fifth harmony #ally brooke #normani kordei #dinah jane #camila cabello #NDA contracts #hollywood #dirty hollywood #5h #harmonizers #camilizers

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zukalations · 6 years ago

Text

Mori Keaki - 120% Darling: Part 1 Chapter 6 - Grandpa, thank you~ <3

Mori Keaki published this essay book the month before her retirement as Top Star of Snow Troupe. It is mainly a memoir of her personal journey in Takarazuka, as well as her early life. Her writing/formatting style is kind of unique, and I tried to reproduce or reflect it as much as possible. 120% Darling has around 24 chapters, and I plan to post one every Friday.

It’s a really lovely book, that ended up making me cry many times. I hope you enjoy it!

For a table of contents with links to all the chapters, go here.

Grandpa, thank you~ <3

Moving on a bit.

After becoming second supporting star, I had made many moving new ‘discoveries’, but.

Those barriers!!

They were still clinging on a bit.

What finally got rid of them was.

When I was given the role of Johann Brunner in Three Waltzes.

Strangely enough…

Mori Keaki…

Was going to play a little old man!!

Oh. And a rather rough-mannered old man, too…

When I first heard about it I thought “Huh~!? A grandpa!?”

The setup of Three Waltzes is such that the lead plays the protagonist, as well as his own son and then grandson. The story covers a very long span of time.

So, my role was.

A person who watched over all three generations, father, son, and grandson. I was the only ‘full-length role’; my character kept the same name and identity through the whole show. And, as time passed in the plot, I would be aging onstage…

In the end, I would be an 80-year-old grandpa!!

I ended up being rather stressed about this.

After all, Mori Keaki’s personal brand was that of a cool (?) second supporting otokoyaku star, so…

“But...me!? Playing a little old man…”

I heard of fans saying “I don’t want to see Mori Keaki-san looking like that!!”

“It will ruin the image of Mori Keaki as a handsome romantic guy.”

“She should refuse to do it.”

“She should just quit!”

A ton of people were totally against the whole thing.

But…

That was the role I was given.

I got the script.

I went into rehearsals.

And then…

Ah!

It was actually really simple.

I love acting, you see.

So I ended up enjoying playing that ‘grandpa’.

“I see it now! That’s it, that’s totally it!”

I didn’t feel like I had to worry about keeping up my handsome image at all.

Somehow I felt a lot of affection for myself as I was playing this 80-year-old man.

“That’s right. If I just try, I can do it.”

And doing it was really fun! It was so happy! So fulfilling!

I know I’m praising myself here, but playing that little old man made me much more aware of the fact I was an actor.

Before I am second supporting star, I am an actor, I felt.

The complaints hadn’t stopped by the time the show opened, but.

As for me.

“No matter what role I play, Mori Keaki is still Mori Keaki!”

I told them not to worry but to wait for the show.

“Playing a grandpa is really fun~!” I said.

So I brushed off those doubts that way.

Besides, it really was so much fun!

My determination of my junior student days that ‘I’m gonna be a real man!!’ was long gone by now.

I thought a lot about how the person called Johann Brunner would live, whether he would be like this or like that.

Whether the character was a man or a woman didn’t come into it at all. He was just a human...a person. I tried to fill in things that hadn’t been written in the script using my imagination.

I’ve always been the type to try to fully transform myself, after all.

As the days went on, I absorbed Brunner’s character more and more.

I felt if I could become him, I could naturally age the way he would have over the course of the story.

And once again, just like the prior examples (!!), while I was playing an old man, my back would ache, and my knees would ache, and my spine would get stiff…

But, after I was done performing as the little old man, in the finale I went back to being a handsome otokoyaku, why, nothing ached at all. I felt chipper and full of energy!! I felt like I could kick higher than ever!

I was a bit surprised at myself, honestly.

But I really loved being an ‘actor’, by nature.

Also...and here I am, singing my own praises again...the white wig I wore as an old man...really suited me, actually. The whiskers, too. Ahaha.

Once the show actually opened, the people who had been against it started saying “I wish I had a grandpa like that!” so I could feel comfortable about that front as well.

The role of an 80-year-old man, so much older than my genuine age…

There had never been anyone like that inside the barriers the real ‘Mori Keaki’ had been so desperately holding up for so long.

Somehow, as soon as I had fully transformed into him, ‘Grandpa Brunner’ said:

“Now, now, youngster. What on earth are you doing, shutting yourself away like this? What a waste! The world is so big! It’s so much fun! Why don’t you let yourself relax a bit?”

Smiling all the while.

He turned the ‘Off’ switch for Mori Keaki’s barriers.

That’s how I think about it.

This is also when I began to feel even more strongly, “It’s so wonderful to be an actor, isn’t it…”

After all, it gave me the opportunity to experience the lives of so many different people.

People from other countries than Japan.

From all different eras.

Of all different ages.

And, in the case of Takarazuka, men and women both!

But.

“Since it’s Takarazuka…”

Even as an 80-year-old man, I had to be beautiful!! I had to convey dreams!!

This situation reaffirmed that for me.

I suddenly recalled my time as a Ken-1 student, when I would ‘tail’ the neighborhood joggers (my father was a policeman, so I’m really familiar with all that jargon).

Back when my younger self believed ‘portraying reality is the most important thing!!’

“Well. Everyone has times like that.”

Mori Keaki had grown up enough to look back on that and smile.

On the Takarazuka stage.

First, be splendidly beautiful.

That is the most essential, non-negotiable thing. The foundation for everything…

And on top of that, in order to give a performance that moves the audience…

“My heart actually aches...My heart is actually cold...My heart is actually kind… To be an actor is to be in complete control of your own heart. If you are able to truly influence the hearts of those who watch you...then you can say ‘I can really act!’ for the first time, can’t you!?”

...after discovering this sort of thing, I was able to settle into the position ‘Mori Keaki’ held in Takarazuka.

Oh!! Or rather, maybe this is something Grandpa Brunner taught Mori Keaki, when she transformed into him?

Which is it!?

It doesn’t really matter to me either way. This one thing I know for sure, though.

Grandpa Brunner is Mori Keaki’s greatest patron.

I hope he continues to have a long life.

Thank you!! So!! much!!

#takarazuka #book translation #OG materials #troupe: yuki #sienne: mori keaki

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