#((is arrested by the pun police))

[wanlingnic]

An arctic exploration crew trapped on an island. What crimes will they commit?

More Beast Wars Human AU here!

[604to647]

Red Herring

3.3K / Detective Tim Rockford x fem!reader

Summary: You make Detective Rockford a Halloween costume.

Warnings: 18+ Content (MDNI please).  Established relationship, nicknames as usual (Shutterbug, baby, gorgeous), lingerie, semi-public sex, desk sex, oral (f receiving), unprotected PiV, bad puns, half-assed costumes.

A/N: Since The Rockford Portfolio was born from @mermaidgirl30’s Ocean Challenge this summer, I thought it was only fitting to write the same couple for Jamie's Halloween Writing Challenge (as always though, the stories in the collection can be read standalone ☺️)! Tim's hatred of Halloween is heavily influenced by Amy Santiago from Brooklyn 99 🤭🤭 Happy Halloween and spooky season everyone!

Dividers by @saradika-graphics 😘 / Series Masterlist

Tim was right.  Halloween at a police precinct is a mess.

The streets outside are absolute mayhem, crawling with costumed Halloween revelers stumbling and celebrating in various states of undress and inebriation.  No one seems to care that they’re causing a ruckus right outside of a building full of cops.  Even walking up the stairs to the main doors, you had found yourself side stepping at least two incidents of vomit, and you still feel a little worried about leaving the trio of drunk Power Puff girls on the bench outside even though they had giggled that they were fine when you asked.  There’s no safer place for them to be, you suppose.

The inside of the precinct is no less chaotic than it is outside.  It’s exactly as Tim had described.  You chuckle to yourself as you pass a couple of patrolmen headed out as Jedi Knights and think back to your conversation earlier this month when Tim told you he would be working on Halloween.

Curled up in Tim’s lap, you’re scrolling through TikTok as he watches some police procedural on the TV that he keeps grumbling at when you come across a few spoopy videos, “Do you think you might want to do a couples costume for Halloween, Detective?”

Tim actually grimaces.  He hates Halloween with a passion, “Oh Shutterbug, I’m so sorry – I have to work Halloween.  I work every Halloween.”

“Every Halloween?”

“Yeah - ugh. Halloween is honestly such a gong show.  People think costumes make them invincible for some reason,” he closes his eyes and scowls at the memory of Halloweens past.  “Every patrolman works overtime and is out on the streets breaking up fights, putting people in the drunk tank, getting drunk drivers off the streets.”

He’s not done; Tim brings his paw of a hand to his face and massages it in irritation, “The entire detective squad comes in to help process every idiot that’s brought in: DWI.  Underage Drinking.  Disorderly Conduct.  Assault.  Vandalism.  Trespassing.  Theft.  You name it, gorgeous.  Halloween is a fucking mess.”

You chuckle a little, you’re not used to seeing your normally unflappable detective so out of sorts, nevermind at the mere thought of a children’s celebration.

“Does everyone hate Halloween like you?”

Tim cracks a smile at this, “No one hates things the way I hate things.”  This has you giggling – Tim can be terribly grumpy.  “I guess not everyone.  The precinct gets decorated and there is a costume contest.”

“Oh!” You perk up at this, “And they arrest people in costume?”

“Might as well,” Tim’s face screws up in annoyance again, “It’s not like anyone respects the uniform on Halloween.  You have better luck getting compliance as Godzilla.”

For a second, you imagine Tim sulking behind his desk, filling out public intoxication reports dressed as Batman and you have to stifle a snort of laughter, “But not you though?  You don’t dress up?”

“Nope.”

“What’s the costume contest prize?” your eyes twinkle.

“No, nope,” Tim kisses the nose that you’ve scrunched up in mischief, “What do you plan on doing for Halloween, Shutterbug?”

You look thoughtful, the truth is you’re not really up for anything too exciting this year, “I’m probably going to volunteer at the library to give out candy, then I told the girls I’d meet up with them at a pub for some food and drinks.  Then they’ll head over to a bar or club or something that’s hosting a Halloween party and I don’t really want to do that.  Maybe I could come hang out with you?”

“Of course you can, baby.  But just be prepared, it’s going to be messy.”

The bullpen is loud – every desk is occupied by a dog tired, costumed detective taking down statements, yelling into their phone, or typing aggressively away on their computer – some of them doing all three.  The holding cell is overflowing, and the occupants are either wildly indignant about their detainment or completely unphased and appear to be continuing whatever reveries that had brought them in from behind bars.  There is no in between.

The commotion is so much more unruly than it usually is; it might be unsettling, except for how comical it is to see Tim’s colleagues in various costumes doing their very serious jobs. At a quick glance you see: a bumblebee, a Pikachu, two pirates, an Aquaman, and three Howls from Howl’s Moving Castle.

The juxtaposition of these outfits to the cacophony in the room is hilarious.  You spot and wave to Tim’s partner, Detective Arnold Calloway, who’s dressed as Elvis on your way to Tim’s office.

Tim’s door is open but before you announce yourself, you take a moment to ogle your handsome boyfriend as he types, brows furrowed in concentration at his computer.  He’s not in costume but you can’t complain – Tim's usual crisp white dress shirt stretches taut across his broad frame, his hunched shoulders restrained slightly by the unforgiving leather of his gun holster. His tie is loose but it’s the only thing that’s loose - Tim’s rolled up shirt sleeves strain to contain his beefy arms, and from where you stand, you can see his exposed forearms flex tightly with every furious punch to the keys on his keyboard.  Even without a costume, Tim Rockford looks like a superhero.

“Happy Halloween, Detective.”

The smile that breaks across Tim’s face when he looks up and sees you is nothing short of breathtaking, it sends a blooming warmth through your chest that quickly winds its way down between your legs.

“Happy Halloween, Shutterbug.  How’s your night going so far?”

“Pretty fun!  The library had so many kids coming in – I gave out so much candy!  And dinner was good – the girls say hi.  What about you, baby?”  You walk around Tim’s desk and lean down to place a sweet kiss to his lips before massaging his weary shoulders.

Tim sighs, “As good as can be expected for this godforsaken holiday.  I’ve been to the hospital for interviews twice, and now I’m processing a mountain of misdemeanors.”

You ghost your lips behind Tim’s ear and smile when the little puff of air you blow makes him groan.  Planting chaste kisses to the back of his neck as you continue kneading the hard muscles of his back, you chirp mischievously, “I have something that could make your evening more fun, Detective.”

Tim leans back and spins his chair around to face you, smirking, “Oh yeah?  What’s that, Shutterbug?”

Chuckling, you reach into your purse and take out a headband with two springs coming out the top like antennae and hold it out to Tim.

“What’s this?”

You point to the tops of the springs: on one you’ve glued an empty packet of Trident gum, and to the other is affixed a small dog toy in the shape of a shoe that you had found at the dollar store.  Giggling, you place the headband over Tim’s head and tuck the ends behind his ears, “It’s your costume, Tim.  You’re a gumshoe.”

Tim groans and drops his face into his palm.  The resulting bounce of the little objects over his head makes you giggle even harder, “See?  You were already dressed up and you didn’t even know it.”  You wave you hand over Tim’s body.

Detective Rockford peeks through his fingers and when he sees your impish grin and how much joy your mischief is bringing you, he can’t help but grin himself, “Alright, gorgeous.  Where’s your costume, then?”

Delighted at how easily Tim’s given in to your silliness, you reach back into your purse and pull out your own headband – a red one with similar antennae to match his black, but at the end of each of your springs is a little plastic fish, swaying and jiggling erratically as you slip the band onto you head and jovially announce, “A red herring for my dashing gumshoe to chase!"

Tim lets out a low gruff of a laugh, one that crinkles the eyes that are already always soft for you, his smile as relaxed as his shoulders now are, “Where’s the rest of your costume?  Shouldn’t you be wearing red?”  He teasingly does the same waving motion you did to him earlier over your closed trench coat jacket.

If possible, your smile gets even wider when you reply, “I am!  You want me to show you?”

“Sure, baby.”  To Tim’s surprise, instead of opening your jacket, you coyly saunter over to his office door, closing then locking it.  On your way back to him, you start to undo the knot of your jacket belt, letting the lapels of your jacket fall open to reveal the sexist red lace lingerie set Tim’s ever seen in his life.  As you slide between Tim and his desk, perching gingerly on the edge, you snicker at your boyfriend’s drooling expression. 

“Trick or Treat, Detective Rockford?” you flirt, fingers hooked under the warm leather straps of Tim’s gun holster, lightly tugging to beckon him closer.  He obeys.

Hypnotized, Tim slowly brushes his fingers over the frill of the delicate fabric that lays tantalizingly over your delicious curves – leaving goosebumps on your supple skin everywhere his hands graze, and even places they don’t.  He unwittingly licks his lips at your pert nipples, already at attention and tenting the crimson red floral lace that hug your tits so prettily – Tim can’t help himself; leaning forward in his chair, he takes one in his mouth.

The soft gasp that you let escape exhales to a throaty groan as you feel Tim’s hands travel down your body; they come to a momentary rest at your hips - tugging teasingly at the ruffled skirt of the garter belt before trailing down the straps.  As he rubs the bands that loop around your mid thighs between his thick fingers, Tim chuckles into your chest, “Is that what you wore at the library, baby?”

You giggle uncontrollably and shake your head, little fish above your head dancing wildly on their springs as you push back a little to show Tim how you’re still wearing your modest, library appropriate red dress, but that it’s been unbuttoned and left open under your trench coat.  Eyebrow cocked in amusement, Tim hooks his fingers into and pulls down the cups of your bra before diving back in, and you think you hear him mumble something like Dirty girl, through his mouthful of your breasts.

“You never answered my question – trick or treat, Detective Rockford?”

With some reluctance, Tim parts from the softness of your tits to lean back in his chair, ogling your near naked form shamelessly while he pretends to contemplate his response.  Finally, he scootches his chair forward and cups one of his powerful hands beneath your boobs and presses so that you lean back – his other pries open your legs so you can accommodate the expansive width of his shoulders.

“I think you already chose ‘treat’ for me, Shutterbug.”

Your girlish squeal as Tim lays a sweet kiss to your clit through the thin fabric of your panties is louder than you’d like and you quickly cover your mouth with a hand in order to muffle it.  As Detective Rockford open mouth kisses your panty clad cunt, your eyes roll to the back of your head and the flatness of your palm becomes insufficient to contain your escalating moans – when Tim pulls the gusset of your underwear to the side, the snap of cool air hitting the wetness of your exposed core pulls a cry from your throat that can only be stifled by biting down on the heel of your thumb.

The sting from your teeth causes you to buck into Tim’s face and from that moment forth, there’s no holding back his animalistic lust.  Tim licks fat stripe after fat stripe through your folds to the tip of your hardened nub – every new path made by his tongue dug deep and true.  Your pooled arousal is collected and swirled over your sweetest dips and waves, then sucked and savoured in his mouth like his favourite whiskey.  It might actually be.  Tim’s own groans and growls at the sweetness of your taste vibrate right into your cunt and straight to the tightening band beneath your belly.

Eyes taking in the lascivious sight above him, Tim’s dick strains painfully in his pants: his pretty girl is laid near bare and gorgeous, tits bouncing while her face screws up in pleasure, mouth stuffed with her own fist. You're a true heaven that contrasts starkly to the hell of mundane paperwork that Tim thought would make up the bulk of his Halloween shift, still sitting next to you on the very same desk you’re currently writhing on.

With a feral grunt, Tim tongue fucks your slit while his nose and the elastic hem of your pulled back panties work your slippery clit in tandem.  He builds and builds until he knows you can’t take anymore, then pushes you over the edge with the tenor of his baritone command to come.

You crest with a wild cry that’s barely contained by your now aching and wet hand, drool running down your wrist as your body shudders with wave after wave of indescribable pleasure.   

Only when he feels your lithe body settle does Tim rise to his feet and undo his belt.  Lips and facial scruff still shiny with your release, he grins a wolfish grin, “Now it’s time for 'trick', gorgeous.”

Kissing you roughly, Tim busies himself with pulling out his leaking cock as you return his affections just as fiercely, spurned on by the taste of you in your own mouth.  He pulls back to clean his face with the back of his arm, and you whimper when you unsuccessfully chase after his lips.

“No need to be greedy, Shutterbug. Your Detective is going to fuck you now,” smirks Tim, notching himself at your entrance and sliding in with ease.

The heft of him still leaves you breathless every time.  When you look up at Tim, you find his face relaxed in a look of reverence that tells you he feels the same about the welcome of your warm walls.

“Going to fuck you hard and fast, 'kay baby?  Don’t have much time.  Can’t have anyone coming in and seeing my pretty girl split on my cock” Tim’s mouth slots over yours and he drinks in your moans at his dirty promise.  One of Tim’s meaty hands grips your hip so hard you know he’ll leave a bruising imprint of his desire for you to find tomorrow, the other grabs your lacy garter belt like a cowboy would the reins of his horse; as he starts to ride you, every punishing drive of Tim’s cock leaves you marveling that the delicate fabric doesn’t rip to shreds under his efforts.

“Fuck me, Detective,” you breath, nipping and sucking along Tim’s strong jaw to behind his earlobe where he’s most sensitive.  Sticking out your tongue to lick down the column of Tim’s throat, your mouth jolts against Tim’s bobbing Adam’s apple as he continues to thrust into you like a man possessed.  The scrape of your teeth and the soothing lave of you tongue over the responsive skin at the base of his neck, cause Tim to groan, low and throaty.  When your fingers thread through his soft curls and yank down so to expose more of his neck to your sinful mouth, he retaliates by reaching for your breasts, roughly kneading and worshiping before directing his attention to your nipples.

Without letting up on your sopping hole, Tim rolls and pinches, pulls and tweaks your pert peaks, all while gritting out dirty words of praise:

Pretty thing came to a police precinct tonight to get fucked, didn’t she?

So fucking hot in your little outfit, gorgeous just for me.

This pussy's made my whole fucking night, baby.

You can only hope that your near pornographic wails are adequately buffered by the thickness of Tim’s chest, as you bury your face against the wall of him.  The combination of your tight and slick cunt and the added friction of your panties, now soaked with your cream and pressed taut against his cock, has Tim on the expressway; when his pace starts to grow frantic, he leaves your perfect tits to press his thumb down on your clit.

“Oh fuck, Tim!  Fuck, I’m going to c-” Tim’s solid and comforting circles on your crying nub are enough to send you over the edge again.  Your heaving breaths against his neck and the fluttering of your walls as they clamp down on his length send Tim barreling to join you soon after.

Hands still in Tim’s hair, you card through his dampened waves as the two of you rest forehead-to-forehead, exchanging tender butterfly kisses and soft words of devotion during the comedown from your twin highs.

Knock, knock.

“Rockford.”  It’s Arnie.

Tim slips out of you and tucks himself back in before walking to his door, waiting with his hand on the handle to make sure you’ve had time to right and button up your dress before he opens the door to see what his partner wants.

“Rockford, do you have that repor- What’s that?” Detective Arnold Calloway’s eyes widen and he points to the still bobbling springs on the headband that Tim never took off his head.

Tim has no words.

Your hand flies to your mouth and you barely contain the hysterical giggle that threatens to escape.  Arnie looks past Tim right at you, and his face breaks out in the biggest shit-eating grin you’ve ever seen.  His eyes dance with mirth and you can’t help but blurt out the answer to his unspoken question, “He’s a gumshoe!!!”  The two of you shriek in laughter as Tim stands stiffly, eyes closed in disbelief, willing himself to disappear. 

You bound up to the door and loop one arm around Tim’s waist, the other you arch to point to your own headband, beaming, “I’m the red herring in his case!”

Arnie nearly drops the files in his arms to hold his stomach as he cackles, “Perfect costumes!  Never thought I’d see the day when Rockford dressed up for Halloween!  Forget the report – I need a picture.”

“No pictures,” Tim practically bellows as he storms back to his desk in a huff, headband adornments swinging wildly.

Winking at Detective Calloway, you whisper, “I’ll get a picture,” before you walk back into Tim’s office and settle in on the couch.  Tucking your legs under your bum, you pull out the book you checked out of the library earlier before looking up to your sweet boyfriend who's gone back to typing his reports as if he wasn't just ravaging you on that same desk minutes earlier, “Love you, Detective Rockford.”

Tim glances up at the sweet angel who willingly keeps him company on this horrid night and makes it decidedly less horrid; giving you a soft smile, he winks, “Love you more, Shutterbug.”

The Monday following Halloween, you’re putting the finishing touches on dinner when Tim comes home, carrying a large box that he deposits on the kitchen counter with a look of pride and amusement.

“What’s this?” you ask with curiosity, giving Tim a deep welcome home kiss before opening the package to discover a case of wine.

To your gleeful howl of laughter, Tim tells you that he won the precinct Halloween costume contest this year. 

You’re looking through the box, picking up the bottles and reading the labels.  Malbec.  Gamay. Beaujolais.  Barbarossa.  You take out a bottle of Nebbiolo that you think might work with dinner and exclaim in delight, ��Congratulations, Detective!  This is a great prize!”

Tim sweeps you into his arms and presses his lips to your pretty pout for a searing kiss, murmuring, “I got a better one right here.”

Visual aids for this instalment:

[sleepybugeyes]

I read through all of Elias/Jonah's dialogue (as you do) plus some relistening and mentions of him, so here's a big list of some fun things and behaviors I noted!

I thought he made a lot of eye puns/jokes, but he only does it once in mag161, however he does enjoy making jokes. "Creativity never was their forte." from mag80, "You want my account? My sworn testimony? My statement?" from 82, "If you die, I’m afraid you probably won’t be able to claim your expenses." in 116 and "I only have two eyes, after all." in 120. no one ever laughs at his jokes only he finds them amusing

His last words telling Jon a sarcastic or mocking "good luck" are mirrored earlier as he also tells Basira good luck the last time he sees her, and Martin, as he's getting arrested

He loves gloating. "I forget how new you all are to this." from mag92, "Coffee is not as good for disguising tastes as you might think." in 98, "She’s hoping that even if I see it coming she’ll still be able to overpower me. She’s wrong, of course," in 102, "A masterpiece, isn’t it?" abt his panopticon in 158 and of course his whole monologue in 160

He does his budgeting on tuesdays and his scheduling on wednesdays

He also likes getting lost in work

in mag40 he makes up proper incompetency (said he didnt know how the fire system works, while he later admits he was actively waiting) just that once, but more so he acts like he doesnt get the full picture (doesnt know whats in the tunnels, whats strange about the institute) or acts too late and apologises (not stepping into jon's stalking behaviour). Which makes me think he is quite fine letting people think less of him but unless he has something to hide hes not actively looking to give the impression

in mag92 elias slides the papers for basira across his desk, but you don't hear him take them out before, meaning he prepared and got ready for this before he called the police

in general he's a very preparing man, Lukas steps in when Elias is arrested so has has control over who'd run it. in mag118 he says he prepared something to hurt martin (my speculation is that he likely has some trauma that could hurt you prepared for any person that could cross him, just in case he needs it). When he gets arrested he has something prepared so he doesnt get killed and ofc s1-4 is preparing Jon for his grand ritual

Elias admits the idea for his ritual kinda fell into place after Getrude didnt do anything about the people's church in march 2015. He shot Getrude and appointed Jon shortly after so "when you came to me already marked by the Web, I knew it had to be you." is pure dramatics as Jon was hired 4 years prior

also he got his ritual in 2018 so he managed to acomplish his life's goal in only 3 years, love his grindset 🔥

We never get a number for how many people Elias has killed in his ritual, the real life millbank has held over 1000 people at once, but id imagine his one panopticon held less than a whole complex

its really interesting to me in mag92 that hes SO sure they all know he's talking to them of his own free will. is he just that dead set on being in control or making sure they take no credit for his confession

there is a clock in Elias' office (but it's only heard in mag98)

He has killed people but Elias is very much not a blood thirsty person. Getrude and Peter are both surprised when he results to that. He's very much just ruthless and does not care, if to get his way he has to kill someone. It doesnt seem like he's ever happy to do so, maybe this is a quirk of being eye aligned and getting rid of any type of knowledge is painful (he does for example never want Tim to die at the Unknowing), or he just finds covering those murders up a hassle

for the Unknowing Elias books them all hotel rooms, how thoughtful

something cute to me that Jon was too good at the Eye that Elias couldnt meet him face to face post coma

In mag158 he implies that even Institute employees not in the archives are tied to it, at least enough that they could suffer or die if it burned down

between finding other people just as tools to watch and discard and saying empathy holds you back he was definitely a very very lonely man

He is a very breathy person. He sounds breathy when he talks. He takes deep breaths to ready himself and before he uses his powers. And he often breathes through his nose before speaking or during pauses

He has said Jon's name 62 times, only twice calling him "Jonathan" and called him archivist 25 times (24 in the mag120 statement, 1 in mag138 and 1 in mag161)(he also kinda calls him The Archive in 160)

other fun amount of words: know (65 times), see (42), martin (35), detective (20), eyes (20) and eye (9), afraid (9) and "bullshit" (1)

its still insane to me they added all of those sound effects of Elias' cuffs in prison, thats something fun to appreciate. It also means its canon he gestures quite a bit!

[turbolezgooo]

Why ya'll hate on Cait and call her a dictator?

Well-written characters often have a story deeper than what you explicitly see them do or hear them say. Just because everything is set in a fantasy world, doesn't mean that characters are not affected by tragic events and the human condition.

First of all, Cait wasn't the one who made a police state. Ambessa and the council did that. Ambessa orchestrated the whole thing. Cait went along with it because she was turned around by grief. That shit messes with your judgment, but she was still trying to do what she and Vi agreed on. To focus on the real problem and prevent hurting innocent people.

Cait tried to control an unraveling situation AND literal warlord WHILE being inexperienced in how to deal with it, having a big ol' lesbian break up, AND dying inside.

You could see that when Cait argued to Ambessa that there are innocent people and there MUST be justifiable cause to arrest anyone. In Cait and Ambessa's interactions it's implied that Cait was getting in the way of Ambessa's agenda off-screen. She tried to keep something worse from happening because she does acknowledge the historical and current oppression of Zaunites.

This mirrors the way she offered Vi the badge to give her a voice in what happens to her sister if the enforcers caught her. The enforcers coming after Jinx was going to happen regardless of Cait. She took control by volunteering and taking precautions. See- While they did use gas, Vi would never agree to something that would permanently hurt the people of Zaun. The tactic gave them fewer chances of having to physically fight Zaunites who were just trying to defend themselves. Believe it or not, it was a controlled operation until grief got the better of Cait and things looked worse than it actually was.

The way that Cait deeply believes in equality in spite of a personal vendetta is why Ambessa sent Maddie to try and control her by 'filling' her hole (no pun intended). When Maddie attempted to have Cait stop the police state situation and withdraw, she did focus on Jinx at first but the second part of not wanting to make things worse was something she had a lot more to say about before Maddie interrupted. And Cait was right. What would have happened if she hadn't taken the role and played along? A puppet councillor or Ambessa herself would have been the figure head and do so much worse. Those people don't have the same perspective and understanding as Cait.

When Cait and Vi argue about listening to a war pig oink poison in her ear, she yells "I know!" as she throws a piece of war ship used in strategizing. You can tell her role was a strategic choice to have some control over the events that unfolded. That's why Vi didn't villinize her. Vi understood that Cait never really accepted anything Ambessa said. That's why she helped Vi at the commune. Cait was a double agent taking shit from all sides to stop worse things from happening.

She had grief and really crap options, but she always chose the lesser of the evils to try and stay true to who she really was. She even resigns in her argument with Vi, that she didn't put Jinx, her own mother's killer, in jail or punish her in any way. It's another example of her faltering in decision-making when overwhelming or unexpected things happen and it also tells us what she is. She's human. She doesn't make excuses for taking on an objectively bad role and making mistakes. When she said "We can't erase our mistakes.", she's also talking about herself. She takes responsibility and tries to do good. In the end, all she wanted was closure for her grief by having Jinx accept responsibility NOT by killing or abusing her or innocent Zaunites for that matter.

Imo there's a lot in Arcane that shows Cait as a flawed but inherently good person, and Vi absolutely knows it. They see each other warts and all. If you think CaitVi's lex scene was poorly written read this: https://www.tumblr.com/turbolezgooo/768190482340773888/bro-this-outrage-about-caitvi-relationship-in-s2?source=share

[rogueddie]

Sweet Nothings T | 545 words Prompt for @steddielovemonth: Love is wanting to do everything with someone, even if it's nothing special

Eddie has his keys in hand, holding his jacket with his teeth as he gets ready to leave, when someone knocks on the door.

"Hiya, Ed," Steve greets with a grin, that quickly falters. "Oh, sorry, is it a bad time?"

"Sorta? You're not interrupting anything important."

"But you have other plans. No worries, I'll- uh... what are you going out for?"

"Need a part for the van. Was gonna head up to the scrap yard, see if I could find anything there."

"Oh, cool. I could help, if you want?"

"You sure? It's pretty boring."

"Nah, it'll be fun! C'mon, tell me what you need."

Steve steps back, waving Eddie over to his car.

"You sure you want us to go in your car? Some of the shit we're grabbing is gonna be dirty."

"So I'll clean it? Come on, I'm excited now."

"Excited to go digging through a scrap yard?"

"With you? Yeah." He walks back over, gently pushing Eddie towards his car. "We can make it fun! And I know Henderson has been on your ass as much as he has been on mine about us finally hanging out."

"You're just bored with nothing else to do, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am. But, hey, two birds with one stone!"

Eddie sighs, finally stepping to the passenger door, rolling his eyes. "Fine, whatever, let's go."

Steve whoops, doing a little fistpump, before rushing to the car when Eddie raises an eyebrow at him.

He keeps up conversation the entire drive and Eddie quickly realises that Steve... he genuinely loves cars. He doesn't know a lot about how they work and, knowing now that Eddie does, he has a lot of questions.

Eddie is happy to answer them.

At the scrapyard, they end up distracted almost immediately. Eddie ends up spending most of the time showing Steve how engines work.

Thanks to the visual and practical aid, Steve learns fast. It only takes him two attempts and a lot of running around, tearing other shit apart, to get one of the abandoned, broken engines to roar to life.

It sputters out as soon as it starts, but it does start.

"This stuff is so cool!" Steve says, bouncing on the balls of his feet, as they finally head back to the car.

Thanks to how much destruction they'd thoroughly caused, finding the little replacement part that Eddie needed hadn't taken long.

"Yeah, surprisingly so."

"Aww," Steve coos, teasingly. "But are you saying that because you mean it or because you love me?"

"It can't be both?"

"That- oh, haha."

"Didn't even mean to make that pun. I'm just that funny, huh."

"No, your jokes are terrible."

"Steve, hey," Eddie stops, faking a serious tone. "You can't say things like that about your boyfriend, it's not nice."

"What are you, the love police?"

"Yes. Put your hands up, you're under arrest."

Steve sticks his tongue out at him, before sprinting off to the car.

Eddie is hot on his heels, struggling to keep himself from laughing as he yells after him, unable to bite back the grin.

He can't help but wonder how he'll ever manage to come back to the scrapyard without Steve.

Nothing is ever as fun as it is when they're together.

[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

HMO, the skellies are hanging out in a public place and they see a kid holding hands with a guy. No problem, probably their parent. But then they accidentally make eye contact with the kid, and the kid mouths “Help me,” what do they do???

Undertale Sans - Uh. Sans has a bad feeling and decides to follow them from a safe distance, just to be sure the kid is not playing around. The second time they look at him, eyes distressed, Sans doesn't hesitate and comes to the guy to ask if that's their kid. The guy pretends it is, but Sans can tell when someone is lying to him. He takes the kid's hand and teleports away. The kid is a bit confused about what happened, but once they realize they're safe, they burst into tears in his arms. Sans comforts them and then asks them to explain what happened. He then walks them calmly back home, distracting them with a few puns, to their worry-sick parents. Sans accepts to witness when they decide to call the police. He prefers not to think about what would have happened if he hadn't noticed the child.

Undertale Papyrus - Papyrus frowns and hits Undyne's chest with his elbow. Undyne tenses as the kid repeats they need help. She goes full police officer in seconds and goes after the guy. As he starts to argue all of this is bullshit, Papyrus uses the distraction to get the child out of reach. He sits with them on a bench and asks them what's going on. He's quite horrified to learn the man picked them up in their car three days ago and dragged them away. That's a crazy story. Papyrus assures the child they're fine now and that her best friend will do what she has to do to keep them safe. Once the man is arrested, Undyne tells Papyrus the kid had been reported missing in another country three days ago, and that their parents are on their way. Until then, they have to take care of the child. Papyrus brings them home, feeds them, and keeps them entertained for a few hours, so they can finally relax a little after those horrible days. He cries a little when they reunite with their parents.

Underswap Sans - Blue tenses and decides to follow the duo, while frantically searching his phone for missing children. He swears he saw that kid somewhere. When he finally finds the missing poster, he realizes the kid disappeared two months ago. No hesitation. He takes out his gun and screams at the man to stop. He abandons the child and runs, forcing Blue to shoot in his legs. He asks people passing by to watch the child and calls for help and an ambulance. Once his colleague takes over with the asshole, he comes back to the child and asks them to explain what happened. Since his parents can't come before at least the next day, Blue takes them home and gives them to Honey to take care of. He still has a lot of paperwork to do, but he knows the child is in good hands and that his brother will find better words than him to calm them.

Underswap Papyrus - Honey doesn't like what's going on, but he doesn't know how to help. He's not exactly the best at fighting, and if the guy has a weapon, he's screwed. He decides to follow them from a safe distance and calls his brother to explain him the situation. He guides Blue on the phone while he keeps watching over them. Eventually, the police car blocks the way and Blue pretends a simple control to check the guy's identity. Heu immediately tries to run away, toward Honey, so Honey panicked a little and sent a bone in his legs, making him fall on the floor. While Blue takes care of him, Honey goes to see the child to try to comfort them, as they look so relieved. He's relieved too honestly, that was a lot of stress. He's shocked when he learns he just saved a kid that was kidnapped three days ago and that everyone thought was dead. He even got a medal for this. He's just glad the child is fine and back with his parents.

Underfell Sans - Red stares for a long moment, wondering if he should intervene or not. That sounds like a lot of trouble and he's not sure if the guy is dangerous or not. But the kid looks so desperate he feels bad and decides to act against his instincts and stop the guy. It's clear the man is hiding something and the more Red is pressing matters about the child, the more they're getting aggressive. To the point, the guy suddenly tries to stab him. Red jumps backward, summons a blaster, and defends himself. He quickly grabs the kid and teleports out of here. He doesn't want to fight a human, they're too powerful for him. Not sure what to do with the kid now, he calls Edge and explains the situation. He's not too happy to learn he has to report to the police station, but he does it anyway. The police officers said he was a hero or some crap after they found out the kid had been missing for several days, but he doesn't believe them. He just did what he had to do.

Underfell Papyrus - His protective instincts are tingling. Edge stays calm and follows them to watch how things evolve. He's patient and walks for a good hour until the man stops in an alley and obviously tries to undress the terrified kid. Edge is TRIGGERED and doesn't let any chance to that asshole. A bone straight to the heart and he falls on the ground, dead. Edge picks up the child and walks away, bringing them home as they guide him silently. He doesn't care if he has to face some trouble for what he did. He saw this situation repeat way too many time Underground and he knows these people never learn from their actions. He doesn't feel an ounce of regret.

Horrortale Sans - He tenses, because that's a monster child, and he's pretty sure they're familiar. It took quite some time to collect his thoughts, but that kid is made of flams, and that's quite obviously one of Grillby's nephews, even though he doesn't have much contact with them anymore. Oak grabs the man and throws them against a wall, growling menacingly. He stays eye in eyes with them and slowly backs off, holding the kid's hand. The man prefers to let him leave, as Oak can be very convincing when he's pissed off. Not knowing what to do with the kid, he brings them back to Grillby. Not only Grillby is happy to meet one of his nephews, but that's a good way for him to maybe have positive contact with the rest of his family for once. Oak let him have all the praises for the rescue.

Horrortale Papyrus - There's something familiar with this child but he doesn't know why. Willow is a lot less nice than his brother and immediately confronts the man, asking them what they thinks they're doing with his child, completely bluffing being the parent of the kid. That works and the man runs away. Willow can't really run after them, but that's fine, he has an excellent memory and he can describe them to the police with incredible precision. Once he reports to the police, he waits with the kid for their true parents to return. That's quite a shock when he ends up meeting Frisk. And a bit awkward too. Well... He's glad he could at least remind the (not so much a) kid (anymore) that despite being abandoned, the monsters are still made of compassion.

Swapfell Sans - Nox waits for a second confirmation, as soon as the kid asks for help again, a bone suddenly appears in front of the man and punches him in the gut, sending him flying far away from the child. Nox then calmly approaches and asks the kid who the guy is. Of course that's someone who pretended to bring them back home after school on the notice of their parents. It's always the case with child kidnappers. Nox dealt daily with situations like this Underground, with monsters selling kids for pleasure or for free work. That also means he has no mercy for these types of people anymore. He asks the kid to wait for him behind a wall. He then proceeds to break both of that guy's legs, several times, to be sure he won't walk again, or at least not before a very long time. He then leaves him here, crying in agony, takes the child's hand and asks them to show him where they live.

Swapfell Papyrus - Rus had been in that situation once. Some guy pretended his brother asked him to bring them back from school. He took him to New Home and tried to sell him to a random slave seller. Rus was already spicy though, kicked the monster in the legs and ran away as fast as he could. He can't even imagine the terror that kid must be going through. He hesitates a bit, then runs towards the kid, saying he looked for them everywhere. He thanks the man for finding his child and starts to walk away. The man resists, so Rus suddenly turns really cold. "either you let them go or i call the cops, choose wisely buddy." After a long moment of staring, the kidnapper lets go and walks away, to Rus' relief. He can fight, of course, but that's clearly not something he likes to do. He goes buy the kid (and himself) an ice cream to calm down after that stressful event, and then he asks the kid where he lives, so he can bring them back home.

Fellswap Gold Sans - Wine doesn't mess around. He grabs the guy and simply asks "DID YOU KIDNAP THAT CHILD?" The man, surprised, takes more than ten seconds to answer. That's enough for Wine to understand he's lying and to stab him in the stomach. Here. He gives ten dollars to the child so they can take the bus, pats them on the head, and then says he can't sadly go with them because he has to make a body disappear. The kid simply shrugs and leaves. The kidnapper, however, is staring at him with wide terrified eyes. As he should.

Fellswap Gold Papyrus - Coffee doesn't know what to do. His first thought is to act like he saw nothing, but the more he tries not to think about it, the more he thinks about it, and he feels guilty. So, uh, he runs, grabs the kid, and teleports back home. He is quite proud of himself until he realizes he just kidnapped a kidnapped child. Now freaking out because he's scared he might get in trouble, he calls his brother in complete panic and screams at him that he's a child kidnapper and that he's going to go to prison, which for sure freaks out Wine enough to make him come back home not two minutes later. Turns out he's actually not a child kidnapper but some sort of hero because the kid was missing for three weeks? That's what the police said anyway. Well, great. But, uh, he's going to go back to his room and watch a Disney movie now because he's kinda traumatized by the whole experience. He needs some peace and quiet.

[anglercrit]

Alright. Pentleton has been (Unintended pun) finished the last image I sent was a Upscaled one I did myself before the leak ended up adding a better quality one. So here he is.

Bonus is a Bio Sheet (I added a bit of my Mental Illness to him.) I removed the Jack The Ripper connotations and went with a fictional killer with no ties to the real world.

Flags:

Transgender + Trans Masc

The Flag of Great Britain

AuDHD Flag

BiCurious + Pomosexual + Cupiosexual (All those kinda conflict but he's confused. Give the mans a break.)

For the screen readers who can't read:

Pentleton, Edward “Ed/Eddie” (born as Pentleton, Elizabeth “Eli”) | Sir Pentious / Saint Repentious

Eddie was born on March 4th 1807, London, England. To a high class family, growing up Pentleton always had a love for designing things such as varous inventions. Growing up Ed had always felt uncomfortable with his identity as he always felt comfortable as a male rather than a female, but never spoke out due to not knowing what his feelings were, he identified as Pentleton and not by his new perferred name in order to not attract any attention to himself. Pentleton suffered from an undiagnosed disability (It was later revealed it was a variant of Anxeity, Autism, ADHD and Biploar Scizoeffective.) spending most of his time in the safety of his family home he inherited he was a recluse preferring to actually make things that better suited his desires then basic human interaction. Pentleton was always unlucky. Despite being well off growing up, bad luck seemed to follow him everywhere, and as he grew into adulthood and the desire for basic human interaction dwindled. Pentleton always found comfort in doing hos own thing, and going to the library. One particular afternoon, (Circa. 1828, April 12th) Pentleton was apprehended on suspicion of murdering two young women in downtown London, despite the fact he was obviously not the killer and he was simply at the wrong place, at the wrong time. The police arrested him anyways, and with severe questioning, Pentleton folded, confessing to a crime he never committed out of duress. Because he “confessed” the police took that as guilt and sentenced him to public excution by hanging. While he was being held, Pentleton’s home was immediately searched and they found a prototype of a children’s toy called “Egg Boiz” the basis was they were essetionally a toy manufactured for the poor children of London to play with, for free. Most of Eddie’s blueprints were seized and are now being displayed in the “British Museum” to this day. Before Pentleton’s excution, there was rumors surfing around of his innocence as more murders were found when Pentleton was being held in the Stocks before he was sent to the hanging tree. No one really thought the killer was innocent mainly because of his “confession”. On exactly April, 22, 1828. 20 days after Pentleton’s conviction, Pentleton was executed in front of a bunch of high classes. His last words were allegedly: “I have a lot to say, but one of them is that humanity is willing to vindicate someone they viewed as dangerous, when the dangerous person is them all along. Part of being human is realizing everyone makes mistakes, well. You all made a huge one, by killing one snake, you freed another. And that’s a price that those poor girls will never understand. But hey, life goes on, I hope and pray that in the final events of my death that none of you make the same mistakes killing an innocent man.” After the hanging, Pentleton’s body was immediately burnt and the house he lived in is now a museum tour of some sorts, long after Pentleton’s death the killer struck again killing men and women over the course of the years. And ended up being found in the end. When Pentleton arrived to Heaven, Saint Peter didn’t gain him entry on the grounds of “Admitting to a murder” Pentleton’s unfair judgement made him damned for eternity not truly belonging in Hell.

Yup, I cooked and Im gonna go to bed. If people see this on my acc that means I posted it there too.

DAMN you did in fact cook- I just wanna say Saint Repentious is such a clever name i love it

[kammomilla]

I wrote 5 pages worth of text so this is one long post. A whole wiki for my oc because why not

Reddie Martin – Reagent 0928 

Real name: Brunhilde Renata Martin 

Fake ID: Mandy Brown 

Mafia alias: Reddie Martin  Nicknames:  

Hilde (by mother and aunt Karolina) 

Rena (by childhood friends) 

Renata (by father and grandparents) 

Reddie (by the mob)  

Italian Family tree: 

Angelo & Marcella Martin (grandparents)  

Santo “Saint” Martin (great-uncle, deceased) 

Leonardo “Leo” Martin (cousin) 

Lando Martin (uncle, deceased) 

Lucio Martin (father) 

Frieda Martin (Leo’s mother, Lando’s wife) 

German Family tree: 

Ingrid & Hermann Jung (grandparents) 

Wilhelmina Martin (Mother) 

Karolina Treumann (aunt) 

Fritz Hoffmann (step-father) 

Background 

Reddie was born in Germany in 1935. When the Soviet Union took over, Reddie had been ten years old. The Martin family ended up living in DDR, East Berlin. Lucio Martin had been disfigured by the war and unable to provide for his family. Reddie smuggled illegal goods from West Germany when they turned 15. The same year Wilhelmina divorced Lucio and remarried to Fritz Hoffmann, Reddie’s former primary school teacher and former nazi supporter. Lucio was transported to a facility for chronically ill. Reddie never forgave this and blames their mother for tearing the family apart.  

Eventually they were caught by KGB and Reddie crossed the border to west in late 1956. Reddie sailed across the Atlantic and ended in Cuba where they met the Martino crime family members in 1957. Reddie became a wise guy and disguised themself as a man for months. Only capo Toni Pontini and soldier Bruno Caruso knew. They were nicknamed Reddie due to their reddish hair and ‘ready cash’ pun. Reddie did racketeering, sabotage and spying and partook in drug trade and battery. One Cuban officer was shot by them.  

After a while, Reddie chose to move to New York and unite with Santo Martin’s gang. They received new papers as Mandy Brown by Toni’s associate. Santo’s gang didn’t believe Reddie’s tale and kicked them out. Reddie did more racketeering and trade while taking low-paid jobs and trying to get hired by the local mafia for two years. The Police arrested them for stealing and having no permit for firearm. Reddie managed to contact Toni who then hired a corrupted lawyer and Reddie got out without bail.   

A week later, the Police double-checked Reddie’s papers and the pistol they were gifted by Toni. FBI got involved and Reddie escaped to the streets. Now homeless, broke and wanted, Reddie saw Murkoff’s ad and joined the Project Lathe Two in 1959 September. The plan was to get “rehabilitated” long enough for FBI to give up on the chase and go work for the gang again at the headquarters, Louisiana.  

Personality

Reddie acts like they were born in the mob. They are blunt, business oriented and indifferent to violence. Reddie says what’s on their mind whether it’s a tasteless pun or a weird memory no one else understands. They like to joke a lot and tell wild stories some which are exaggerated. Reddie often takes newbies under their wing and guides them through the trials, only to later blackmail them for favours.  

In a way, Reddie comes across self-centred: they think adding Franco Barbi as a prime asset was targeted at them. They don’t have proof of this, but it feels like it is. The same goes for other reagents: if one behaves suspiciously, Reddie is quick to think it has something to do with them. Paranoia plays a role in this. Years of illegal activity has taught Reddie to be observant and on their guard with everyone. The other reason is that Reddie views themself as a potential threat to Murkoff. Again, a wild assumption without proof but for Reddie it makes most sense.  

Reddie tries to be a team leader, but they are emotional and juvenile type in nature. If someone tells them they can’t do something, they’ll prove them wrong. If someone commands them to be still, they’ll complain and make an excuse to stand. If someone tells them to act like a lady, they’ll curse and raise their fist. Simply, Reddie does when asked, not ordered. They don’t like to be bossed and they negotiate on everything. 

Reddie’s weak point is navigation and patience on trials. The maze is their worst enemy. Once they learn how each task works, they tend to rush into the action, alerting ex-pops nearby and setting off sound traps. Reddie bashes through doors instead of unlocking them too. The teammates following behind are the ones paying the price for this.    

Relationships

Relatives 

Leo Martin – Reddie's younger cousin. Reddie taught him smuggling in the past and told him to come join them in New York once he’s old enough. Leo could be living in New York by now.  

Lucio Martin – Reddie loves him dearly and would like to bring him to America if possible.  

Santo Martin – Reddie never met the great-uncle but they heard stories and saw photos of him. Grandpa Angelo and grandma Marcella received letters from him that Reddie would read.  

Wilhelmina Martin – Reddie has a complicated relationship with her. She is their mother, but Wilhelmina has never fully accepted Reddie the way they are. Deep down, Reddie wants this acceptance despite everything that has happened between them.  

Fritz Hoffmann - Reddie despises the stepfather. He mistreated Reddie in school and continued doing so after marrying Wilhelmina. Reddie is ashamed of him since Fritz had been a vocal supporter of Hitler’s government.

The mob 

Toni Pontini – Toni took Reddie in and taught them the ways of the mafia. He saw potential in Reddie and was willing to act against rules to make them a member.  

Bruno Caruso – Bruno came up with the nickname Reddie the day they met. He taught them how to place car bombs.  

Salvatore Barbi – Reddie spoke with Don once on the phone. He mentioned the Martino family could make them a permanent member if Reddie’s up to it.

Sinyala Facility 

Mother Gooseberry – Reddie finds her somewhat scary. She reminds them of Wilhelmina whenever she’s aggravated. They try not to interact with her during trials. They know Dr Futterman is a puppet but they often forget this and think Futterman is a separate entity that says funny things and makes Reddie laugh. Dr Easterman recommends more trials with Gooseberry since her presence gets interesting results. 

Leland Coyle – Reddie thinks it’s ironic there is a cop calling them guilty because it’s true. Reddie is more bark than bite with him though. It’s fun to shout back at him and make him act like a fool as long as there are bricks and a stun rig available. Once the chase is on, Reddie is quick to vanish from sight. They are planning to build a bomb and bring it to the police station – a little payback for the justice system. Plus, to see that cop crying his eyes out.  

Franco Barbi – Reddie and Franco never met before but Reddie was told who he was. Toni and the rest gossiped about him in graphic detail. When Franco’s prime asset debut came, Reddie had been shocked to see Don’s son face-to-face. They think Murkoff’s planning something by adding him. Overall, Reddie views Franco as a fellow mobster and isn’t jolted by his level of violence. They want to form a possible allyship with him, if only Franco would stop aiming Lupara at them and hear Reddie’s offer.  

Trivia 

Reddie’s haircut is inspired by photos of younger Santo Martin before he moved to US. 

Reddie hates their first name Brunhilde, always has. It was their great-grandma's name. 

Their favourite colour has always been yellow, and their favourite flower is sunflower.  

Reddie is fluent in German and their Italian is decent, yet they intentionally speak like a mafioso. 

Reddie had one affair in Cuba. With an older, wealthy and married, woman named Melina.  

Reddie has a fedora in their room. They never wear it but it’s there as an inside joke. 

Reddie is often misgendered and people can’t decide on their pronouns so they can be she to one person and he to someone else. Reddie doesn’t care. 

Reddie has a habit on dropping hints of their criminal past and random names. They never explain if someone asks.  

[hadleysmis]

'The burning library: Benjamin, Hugo, and the critique of violence'

By Deborah Elise White

“[…] In Les Misérables, the secret political society […] ‘Les amis de L’A B C’ […] poses publicly as a club supporting the spread of literacy – a politically and socially acceptable cause. But in French, ‘Les amis de l’A B C’ is a homonym for ‘the friends of the abased,’ l’abaissé: ‘The abased – that is the people. They wanted to raise them up […]’

L’abaissé may also be translated as the ‘abject’ or the ‘wretched’; in other words, it is a synonym for Les Misérables, as if the very title of Hugo’s most famous work encrypted a riddling reference to the alphabet.

‘Les amis de L’A B C’ testifies […] to benign liberal humanism (a campaign for literacy) and revolutionary struggle (a fight for the abased) and in doing so it also testifies to the violence of inscription in which both projects articulate themselves as if they were one and the same. Notably, the law cannot read the revolution that reveals itself in the punning contingencies of the letter […] the police do not know how to read – which is why the conspirators of Les Misérables are never arrested […]

Puns are serious in politics because the violence of the letter ensures that the canons of meaning necessary to sustain law cannot even sustain themselves.”

I.e. The usage of puns is to expose the inconsistencies in laws and political systems.

Reference:

White, D. E. (2009). The burning library: Benjamin, Hugo, and the critique of violence. European Romantic Review, 20(2), 247–260. https://doi-org.yorksj.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/10509580902840533

[spindle-girl]

Flare 2.x

heeey Crystalclear!

Yes, it could have been an accident that the other two had yet to arrive. But accidents and coincidences could just as easily be contrivances at the hands of masterminds. The radios acting up didn’t help matters.

probably just got stuck in traffic, everyone trying to beat the new arrivals on the train to work or lunch or something

Red jacket, jeans, pointed boots, group of three, Relay communicated.  Words and ideas conveyed without being spoken.  Not telepathy, not sound, but impressions.

wildbow is really dying on the hill that psychics aren't a thing lol

He was aware as heads throughout the crowd turned, their focus shifting to Relay, to the train, to the officers.  For most, the light around them refracted into kaleidoscopic structures, cone or beak shaped, pointed this way and that.  At the ends farthest from the points of focus, the open ends of the cones splayed out into nimbuses, auras, fractures.

but in all seriousness it is fun to see how he describes thinker senses. unless there's a particularly cool passage just assume i really enjoy the narration for this interlude and won't add it all to save space

Unlike many  of them, he had waited nearly six months for access, because he’d been open about the fact he had powers.  A mistake, because they had wanted to be careful, it had meant he had needed weeks and months of screens, of interviews and background checks, while other people passed through.

that does suck, but you do get a job and an apartment easily enough if i remember how they handled Ashley correctly

You’re in the weeds, Relay communicated. Crystalclear lifted his walkie-talkie to his mouth.  “Weeds?” Not entirely with us.  Lost, or in a bit of a daze.

iirc Tattletale had Grue snap her out of losing focus in her power as well. i wonder if Relay has had to do this for other thinkers, or if others have helped him with it

“It’s redundancy,” Big Picture said.  He made a sound, almost a laugh.  “Everything I want to focus on, I clone my brain and my mind.  I can give each and every detail every bit of my attention, and I can slow down my perceptions if I want to study it more.  There are a few other nuances, other things I can do with the parallel takes, sharing, but you don’t need all of the details.”

flash time! still sounds like hell. we are also not going subtle on the metaphors here either. Big Picture being trapped in his mind to overthink a scenario as much as he wants and Cyrstalclear being unable to see people's expressions and the general world (crystal) clearly

“Raththputin,” Ratcatcher said.  She picked up a walkie-talkie, “The attractive older gentleman in the peacoat, hairy earth and eyelatheth to die for.  Thomething thown into the coat.  Naughty.”

i think i've seen some jokes about Ratcatcher being a Chitter clone, but really her naming her rats after puns, naming them at all, is the biggest stopper to that being a real theory

Sierra Kiley, Relay communicated.  Board member of Rock Bay Reconstruction Group.  That’s one of the biggest construction firms, with its roots in Brockton Bay.  She’s a candidate for mayor of the Megalopolis, but she’s not expected to win.  Foresight thinks she has her hat in the ring for other reasons.  Access, possibly.  We know she has ties to organized crime, if you couldn’t guess from her background in Brockton Bay.  She doesn’t necessarily know we know.

Sierra! tbh, i don't have that much care tied to her from Worm, but i guess it's nice to see her

The police had been upset, angry, hostile.  His lawyer had been frustrated, because anything, anything at all could have led to a plea deal or him getting off free.  His ‘aunt’ and her boyfriend were upset, because they blamed him for their being arrested, and they had used a proxy to threaten him.

*looks at a kidnapped kid* ah yes, let's blame him shall we

“Are you married, Ms. Kiley?” the theocrat asked.

what pleasant folk

“They’ve been giving us supply for nothing?” Nieves asked, raising his voice.  “You idiots.  You’ve profited off of their so-called generosity, but you’ve been selling us out.”

i am not looking forward to more of this guy

“I’m in,” Relay said.  “But you already guessed that.”

Relay's been a fun addition. he's really cocky lol

End Notes:

by chance, as anyone asked if Crystalclear is the Scion version of Gallant's shard? interesting enough he got physical mutations as well, but not impossible for non-vial capes especially with him being able to remove them with some pain

[fanfic-corner]

Marvel Humour Pt2

Hello everyone!! We're back for round two of Marvel humor fics to brighten up your day.

You can find part one here.

Battle Plans by prettybirdy979 (1.8k)

They say never piss off the nurses because they're the ones who actually run the hospital. They can make your life a misery if you do.

Shirley Benson has never had to instruct her nurses to use this power en-mass before but to protect the identity of Daredevil, protector of the innocent and destroyer of the wicked? She'll happily make the police regret ever setting foot in her hospital.

Leap Before You Look by 94BottlesOfSnapple (2.1k)

Or, 5 times Matt Murdock jumped out a window to avoid his feelings (including horrible embarrassment), and 1 time he couldn't.

Double Blind by smilebackwards (2.3k)

Matt comes to, flat on his back, with Iron Man and Hawkeye hovering over him. “Oh fuck,” Stark says, less than comfortingly.

Double-D in Your A-P-P by 94BottlesOfSnapple (2.4k)

Foggy is legally obligated by the laws of friendship to download any and all mobile games starring Daredevil.

Unfortunately, that means eventually he has to explain to Matt why he's got a superhero dating sim app on his phone.

Say You Don't Know Me (or Recognize My Face) by ShowMeAHero (2.9k)

Daredevil is kind of dark and broody. He doesn't want anyone to know his real name, he never smiles, and he has kind of a loner attitude.

Matt Murdock, on the other hand, is completely unrecognizable to Jessica the first time she really sees him.

Repeat After Me by battybatzgirl (3.8k)

Tony’s face hardens as he says, “What kid.”

“I don’t know, some twelve year old—”

Below him, the kid coughs out, “Fifteen.”

“—Fifteen year old—”

Tony scrubs a hand across his face. “Don’t tell me he’s wearing a dorky shirt with a chemistry pun on it.”

Rhodey frowns. That was oddly specific. Glancing down, he looks at what little he can see of the kid’s shirt—which isn't much since there’s so much blood now, but what could be once called a cartoon joke is printed on it. “Um, yeah?”

“Son of a bitch.”

Hieroglyphics (or you are under arrest for being attractive & ruining my life) by The_Readers_Muse (4.4k)

As far as randomly acquired superhero powers go, he is going to admit right now that his are kind of lame. Okay, lots lame. Sort of. But considering Matt is a complete and utter dingus with about the same self-preservation instincts as a mosquito flying full tilt into a bug zapper, he figures an extra edge - as fucking weird and annoying as it is – is probably worth the headache.

in an empty moral space by blueh (5.4k)

“Bring Spider-Man to us, Mr. Stark,” High-heels says and rattles off an address. “If that bug isn’t here in the next twenty four hours, then your intern gets it. We are not going to ask a second time.”

There’s a pause.

Then, “You want Spider-Man?”

“In exchange for your intern,” High-heels affirms.

“Spider-Man,” Mr. Stark repeats. He sounds more amused than worried for Peter’s apparent safety.

also known as: Peter Parker is held hostage…in order to get to Spider-Man. Throw in some Accords reconciliation and, well, Peter’s life just got a whole lot weirder.

This is the worst timeline by Hittinmiss (6.6k)

Chair Dude: I have some good news and some bad news

Chair Dude: good news is you didn't miss any training for decathlon

Chair Dude: bad news is that they decided the field trip without you ://

Man of Spiders: why is it bad news??

Chair Dude: because Flash decided to pick the compound and no one said no so…

Man of Spiders: Dude why didn't you say no???

Chair Dude: I would have been out voted Dude!

Chair Dude: I also wanna see the compound as well so yeet

Peter Parker's Super Secret Snack Stash by coconutknightshade (7k)

"It's D, Peter. We talked about this."

“No it’s not, Ned. Because if it were D then I would be wrong and that would put me at a 65% already on this practice exam and we haven’t even gotten through it all. I can’t fail another history exam, Ned! This last one is worth 60% of our grade! If I fail this final then I’ll fail the class and if I fail the class then I’ll be kicked out of school-”

“You’re top of our year, Peter.” You can almost hear Ned’s eye roll as he talks over Peter.

“- and if I’m kicked out of school then I’ll be forced to live on the streets exchanging sexual favors for money and I can’t do that, Ned! I wouldn’t even know what to charge- I mean, what’s the street value of a blow job, Ned? Do you know? Because I sure as shit don’t.” At this point Ned is outright giggling over Peter’s theatrics.

Five times the Avengers don't find out about Daredevil and one time they do by Nautika (7.2k)

“And then I had to help Daredevil climb out of that dumpster, freaking Daredevil, can you believe it?” Clint waved his arms around, nearly sweeping his cup off the table in Matt’s apartment.

Five Times Peter Parker Pretended to Be Asleep by blondsak (16k)

...and the one time he actually was.

Or: sometimes, faking sleep can work to your advantage. When it comes to trying to fool a certain genius, overprotective, superhero mentor, Peter finds this to be doubly true.

from your perspective, the world is flat by blueh (18k)

Peter successfully goes on a field trip, accidentally catches the school bleachers, survives a bus explosion, and reveals his identity as Spider-Man.

…not necessarily in that order, much to the confusion of his entire decathlon team.

also known as: Peter Parker and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

What I Really Need is You by happyaspie (18k)

or: Five Things Peter Needs From Tony and One Thing He Wants.

i see myself (in you) by parkrstark (28k)

“Hey, c’mon, before long we’ll be back to normal and we’ll look back at this and laugh.”

Peter just looked up at him with a slight glare as he scratched at his chin again. The itch of the facial hair was driving him crazy and Tony found it highly amusing. “You’re in the body of a 15-year-old boy. Why are you smiling?”

“You’re in the body of Tony Stark. Why aren’t you smiling?” Tony asked with a smirk.

turn back the clock (and I'll try again in the morning) by madasthesea (35k)

Peter gets stuck in a time loop. In it, he lives through some of his worst nightmares, only to wake up that morning and have no one remember. He needs Tony to help him get through.

And if that isn't bad enough, his identity is revealed over and over, every day.

Avocados and Avengers by whitchry9 (51k)

Matt meets Avengers. Avengers don't know he's blind. Things happen. Hilarity ensues. Matt gains new friends and Foggy is totally jealous.

Child's Play by SPICYJARVIS (59k)

Spiderman has been missing for one year, two months and five days.

Clint Barton happens across a homeless kid named Peter Parker.

It's a Secret to Everybody by Snapdragon_in_the_Snow (97k)

Peter gets to spend all summer living in Avengers Tower with Tony. When the Rogue Avengers get pardoned and come back to live at the Tower too, they're confused as to who Peter is. However, once they see how Tony acts around Peter, that confusion goes away, as they know for certain who Peter must be - Tony's secret son.

Tony and Peter decide to make the most of the situation, and play along. They hope they can keep up the act all summer. But they soon learn that they barely have to act at all.

And there we have it! If you have any other recommendations to share or fic recs you'd like me to find, please send me an ask or a message. And as usual, thank you to the fantastic writers for sharing their fics with us!!

[glittercakes]

What pushed Chase into wanting to become a police officer and when happened his first meeting with Lightning Masque?

PS How would Chase react if he knew that his fellow rookie police officer colleagues secretly gave life to a Lightning Masque fanclub?

(Context: In the Sparkle AU, Chase is a hot-headed rookie police officer (yes, I went there with the pun) and the love interest of Lightning Masque, Ash’s Dashing Thief alter ego)

I imagine him to be related to the Jenny clan, with him wanting to be like them. His first meeting with Lightning Masque was when he was robbing a museum to recover a stolen artifact (he’s the karmic Robin Hood kind of thief) and Chase persued him into the night. Obviously, Lightning Masque got away, and while he will never in a million years admit it, Chase found the thief to be incredibly charming.

Fast forward a few months, and Lightning Masque has become well known in the city and has gained quite a few admirers for his charming mannerisms and tendency to deal karmic justice, even among the police. When Chase found out that some of his friends started a secret fan club, he angrily reminded them that Lightning Masque is a thief that needs to be arrested. He definitely wasn’t blushing and wanting to join the fan club. Nope, not at all. How could you even suggest such a thing?! He’s a complete professional with no time for such things! Really.

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

have done or do you plan on doing a high in california lyric analysis? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Blue like the light surrounding me It all seems so different when I'm around it See all this waves and waves of green Keep on coming like a dream Until nothing is the same

he's feeling blue just like the blue lights around him - blue light reference to sitting in front of screens, artificial light that makes you feel restless / or a reference to spotlights, stage lights / or perhaps his own way of describing blue skies / i also think police lights which could be that nagging fear of getting arrested

around "it" - around what? the blue light? or is "it" already the thing causing the waves of green in the next line?

"waves of green" - in relation to the song title, references weed :) i see it visually like wafts of dense smoke coming at him. this is the shit that makes him feel good again, takes him out of that headspace that's got him blue, too focused on his responsibilities or on his life in the limelight (isn't a pun but still fun)

blue <> green. nice.

Sun goes down and it changes Never holding on to anyone else When you go, when you go, I can take you Somewhere better than where you were before

"sun goes down" - no more harsh (blue) lights anymore, nice continuation of the prev verse. - "it changes", his mood is lifting, he can let go of what's been on his mind bc he's been holding on to heartache

"never holding on...": he has a one and only love, the only person or thing he's holding on to

to him, getting high is so good it's the best state of mind he promises "you" to have - talking like the weed advocate here / "somewhere" can mean the altered state of mind as well as the literal place he's serenading, california

when the sun goes down he can take his one and only somewhere better than where they were before. baby just let go let me show you what's good in the dark where everything is allowed.

I wanna be in California Smoke some weed outside in the summertime They always said it's so bad for me Everything I try makes me feel alive Spent my whole life just thinking I had to change Spent my whole life just thinking I had to change I wanna be in California Smoke some weed outside in the summertime

man loves to smoke weed. it's about being outside, smoking that shit, without needing to hide. he also doesn't want to be embarrassed or worry about it being bad for him bc there's nothing at all that makes him feel that good

ohhhhh but is there more to it is there more. "spent my whole life just thinking i had to change." he wants to be outside doing what he loves, living authentically, enjoying the summertime, he doesn't want to change who he is. sounds a bit deep for being about weed but hey louis speak your truth. i'll just also see it as a double for him being a raging homosexual

I could just roll the windows down Let the golden hour wash through the room I hope it always stays around All the clouds of smoke come into bloom

he's enjoying the sunlight, enjoying being outside, smoking. he's loving the freedom he has in california, where he can smoke weed in his car with the windows down. bc you can't do that in most places </3

sunlight shining in making things come into bloom....... but it's clouds of smoke............ beautiful

he wants marihuana rights, he wants it forever, he wants the weed fumes to surround him at all times. he wants gay rights, he wants it forever, he wants gay vibes to surround him at all times.

When the sun goes down and it changes Never holding on to anyone else When you go, when you go, I can take you Somewhere better than where you were before

(lyrics repeat after this)

CONCLUSION <3

so, after this, it's pretty obvious this song is about louis and the nature of his love. all of the references to being free. not having to hide. letting go. feeling alive. being in a better place. not getting arrested for loving what he loves. <3 and it's bluegreen <3

hjdfgj okokok i'll be quite honest, i do think this is a normal undeep song about weed - for the most part. this man unironically loves weed and just wants to smoke wherever he goes without the fear of getting in trouble. in a way, however, this feels very.......... unnecessarily deep for what he likes to smoke yk? so my own personal opinion lands in the 80% about weed 20% about being free ratio. but that can change, and it does depending on the day. california was the first state in the us to legalise weed, while in the uk it's very very illegal still. he's dreaming of a world where it's all just like california in the summertime. but that pre-chorus taken out of context is just sex. and he's singing about knowing himself, accepting what he likes, and wanting to be surrounded by it at all times. and it can simply be all of those things

this one turned very unserious immediately but i couldn't do this song justice if i did the analysis any other way. stream high in california

[queen-of-writing-bad-things]

Henry Danger Reader Insert | Captain Man x Reader: SEASON 5

Episode 9: Broken Armed and Dangerous

Life in the Man Cave had resumed being like it ever was. Not normal, life in those four walls was never normal, not with Ray and his bad decisions, Schwoz and his mad experiments, Jasper with his weird comments, and the endless exasperation of (y/n), Henry and Charlotte.

Nevertheless, after the escapade with Rick Twitler, they'd fallen back into the same rhythm that they'd always worked to; fun, laughter and a few fights in between. Of course, Henry was still getting used to being stripped of his superpowers and there had been a few mishaps during emergencies where his reaction times hadn't been great since everything was so much slower now. He was trying his best, bless his little heart, and things had been going fine for the most part...until today, that is.

"In our number two story tonight, The Playground Pooper has struck again," Mary Gaperman reported as Jasper, Charlotte and Schwoz giggled at the news. As always when Captain Man and his sidekicks were out on a mission, they were left to sit around and do nothing--or watch the news and eat sorbet from tennis balls. Y'know, something normal. 

"The Swellview Police suddenly have more doodies than usual because someone or something has been using Swellview playgrounds every night as a toilet," Trent went on, resulting in more laughter from the three. It wasn't the most serious crime, even if it was disgusting for the parents who had very curious toddlers in the sandpit the next day but the way they were reporting this pooper was hilarious. Was it on purpose or were they oblivious to every pun they made related to poo?

"Police have piles of evidence, but have yet to arrest the prankster, despite being flushed with clues."

"Has the news always been this funny?" Jasper asked as he ate another spoonful of sorbet and his friends laughed and shrugged. If it was always this funny, they'd watch more often since nothing fun ever happened when the heroes were out saving people. Good thing they were back then.

As they carried on eating, the tubes beeped and dropped, bringing down Ray with (y/n) in his embrace, nothing out of the ordinary there, and a rather glum-looking Henry, who was clutching his arm. And with their arrival came a problem, not that the helpers were interested.

"We got a bad situation here, people," (y/n) announced as she helped Henry down the stairs, her hand in the small of his back so he didn't trip and hurt himself even more than he already was. There had been a small incident during their time away and it was no laughing matter judging by how the kid kept wincing with every jolt or movement. And understandably, Ray was just as concerned as his sweet girl, although not as focused, unfortunately.

"We know... The Playground Pooper has struck again," Charlotte stood up, folded her arms and replied in a dark, serious tone that mocked the gravity of the real situation. In fairness to her, she didn't know that her friend needed some genuine assistance urgently, otherwise, she probably wouldn't have been so jovial, but her playfulness caused Ray's eyes to light up at the name of his new favourite lowlife and instantly, Henry didn't matter as much.

"No way! Really?!" the hero barked out, laughing with his helpers when he heard about the weirdo who couldn't stop crapping in public, but neither Kid nor Miss Danger was in a joking mood. Did the sight of him holding his left arm to his chest not mean anything to them?

"Ummm, no, actually it's a little bit of a different bad situation--ow!"

"Shhh! I wanna hear this!" Ray interrupted his youngest sidekick so he could hear the news report, not even blinking when he whacked the kid's poor arm despite his injury. (y/n) glared at her adorable idiot for being so mean and absentminded because the resulting groan from him and any possible aggravation to the injury made her heart sore. 

"Raymond, we've got bigger prob--hey!" she went to scold him, prodding his arm as he sat down on the arm of the couch and stared at the monitor happily. His attention was fully trained on what the news anchors were saying, but that didn't stop him from seizing her body with an iron grip and dragging her onto his knee, thinking that the amusing story could only get better if he hugged his sweet girl to his chest and laughed with her. And normally, (y/n) would love to laugh with him, if Henry wasn't in serious pain.

"Police have no idea who is doing the dumping; an angry teen, a large baby, Mary. No one knows."

"It's a real poo-dunnit," Mary smiled and they all laughed at her little joke, well, everyone apart from Henry, who wrinkled his nose when he saw that (y/n) was trying to fight off a smile. Oh, come on, he got that she and Ray were touchier than ever after nearly losing each other for the fiftieth time but seriously? He dragged her into his arms and now she was losing her focus just because his lips brushed the curve of her ear and the grumbling of his laughter made her tummy feel funny. Talk about no resilience.

"A poo-dunnit... It's probably Jasper," Ray smiled and dropped as he mentioned his guess, much to the boy's shock and annoyance. Who said anything about it being him? He wasn't depraved or an animal, weird, yes, a wrong-un, no.

"What?!"

"I was just gonna going to say that!" Schwoz agreed with his boss, which was a bit ironic given how weird he was himself. He was strange but Jasper had a specific type of weirdness, one that screamed pooping in public when no one was around but he'd never do that, not since he'd outgrown most of his weirdness. 

"It's not me!"

"I don't know, Jasper...it just smells like something you'd do," Charlotte joked, causing another round of laughter from the group as they teased the boy. He wasn't best pleased and neither was Henry, who could swear that the throbbing was getting worse and giving him a headache, or maybe that was merely the frustrating lack of help.

"That's actually really funny, that's actually really funny--all right, joke's over," Jasper pouted and walked away from the couch with a bruised ego. They could laugh all they wanted, the only thing he did at night was sleep, not go off doing his business in playgrounds.

"I'm not joking, I seriously think it's you," Ray replied in one of the most serious voices (y/n) had ever heard him use, one that was only reserved for when he seriously needed to say sorry or if he was deadly serious about something. 

"Okay, guys, can we focus on what happened to me, please?" Henry tried again, appealing to (y/n) by meeting her gaze as she turned in Ray's arms in a bid for freedom. He was still clingy and she had no choice but to slouch against him again but she could at least put a word in for the kid. After all, Ray only ever properly listened to her.

"Raymond, we should focus on Henry and—oh, look! They're talking about you, that's kinda freaky..." the woman trailed off when her point became useless as Trent and Mary moved onto the next big story of the night, which just so happened to hit closer to home, unlike the Playground Pooper. 

Ray grinned and slapped the kid's arm again, delighted that his sidekick was in the news because any publicity is good publicity, right? It made (y/n) glare at him again but with his nose pushed into her hair and his eyes trained on the monitor, he couldn't see his mistake. What a doofus.

"In non-funny news, witnesses say that Kid Danger, while teaming up with Captain Man and Miss Danger to fight super-criminal, Doctor Karaté, broke his arm this evening," Mary reported, causing everyone not in the know to look at Henry in horror. No wonder he was holding his arm like that, the poor kid had taken a serious beating and was now seriously hurt. 

Everyone had seen it happen and Captain Man may or may not have had a slight panic attack about his youngest sidekick being hurt, which resulted in Miss Danger having to keep calm and reassure him that it wasn't too bad. The only bad thing was how quickly the paps seemed to pick up on it.

"You broke your arm?!" Jasper asked his friend, a gasp escaping his mouth at the shock and horror. His dear best friend, wounded and hurt, didn't serve thinking about it. 

"That's what I've been trying to tell you guys!" Henry exclaimed, feeling beyond frustrated that it was only now that he could explain what had happened during what should have been a normal, bog-standard mission, " Doctor Karaté karate-chopped my arm."

"I bet you wish you still had your superpower," Jasper noted, unintentionally rubbing salt in the wound for Henry, who was still a tad bitter about losing his power but he hadn't let it bother him until now. There was nothing he could do, so there was no point in feeling sorry for himself, but come on, it sucked when someone made it worse when he was trying his best.

"Yeah."

"Because if you still had your super-fast reflexes, you could have just...moved out of the way!"

"All right, I got it!" The boy snapped at his friend. It wasn't like Henry to get irate but Jasper was kinda asking for it with his subtle taunts.

"Hey, snappy, calm down...we've had enough flying fists for one night," (y/n) told him, freeing herself from Ray's deadlocked embrace to place a comforting hand on his shoulder. She still had one arm around her waist, keeping her close—joined-at-the-hip close—but the gesture was enough for Henry to ignore how clingy his boss was being tonight. The kid was beaten up enough, there was no need for conflict to be brought home and certainly not between best friends.

"You guys, this is really bad," Charlotte said as Schwoz waddled over to examine Henry's arm—not that he didn't trust Miss Danger's eye for injuries, but a second opinion never hurt. For some reason unknown to everyone else, the girl looked perturbed as if she'd realised something no one else had, not even her fellow smarty-pants. To be fair, it had been a stressful night and no one can clock on to everything.

"It's just a broken arm," Schwoz told her as he poked it. He didn't understand her tone; in his mind, he thought she was worried about the severity of the injury, not any repercussions because of it. "We'll cut it off, it'll grow right back."

"What?! No!" Henry blanched at the prognosis and treatment, his terrified eyes looking for (y/n) for help since she was the best nurse he'd ever had. He loved his arm, he hadn't finished with it yet and he sure as hell hoped she wouldn't let the funny bald guy cut it off. They weren't gonna do that, were they?

"That's not how arms work, Schwoz! Geez, where'd you get your science degree? A thrift store?" The woman gave him a funny look because no scientist had ever learned that in school. Maybe it came from his long, lonely stints in the lab where he'd experiment until the early hours with mutants and freaks, sewing arms onto legs and legs onto heads—things everyone else tended to avoid. They didn't ask and he didn't say, so perhaps he was getting his biology mixed up.

"Oh, right, that's a starfish..." Schwoz nodded with an understanding smile, having realised his mistake. Weirdo. What starfish had he been messing with? And why did Henry trigger the same knowledge? As the others pondered his peculiar habits, Charlotte stepped forward, feeling the same burn in her chest as Henry had—the need to shout something out so it didn't eat her alive.

"Listen! What's bad is that if everyone in Swellview knows that Kid Danger broke his arm tonight, then Henry Hart suddenly shows up tomorrow morning with a broken arm, then any idiot can put two and two together and figure out that Henry is Kid Danger," she explained and suddenly, a wave of uneasiness came over the group. Well, most of it, only those who took her worry onboard understood her argument.

"She has a point. It certainly looks suspicious and people aren't as stupid as they look," (y/n) added, agreeing with Charlotte because if she had noticed the similarities, surely someone else would too, someone who wasn't in on the secret. They were the right height, age, build, appearance, everything, an observant kid could see that Kid Danger and Henry Hart were the same.

"I don't know... I don't think anyone's going to put anyth—" Schwoz started, his opinion differing from the girls' because it was just one of those worries that would never come to fruition. Henry had been going to school ever since he started working and no one had even come close to seeing the truth. Why was now any different? A broken arm? People are dumb, that wouldn't prove anything.

"I just put two and two together!" Or not. It truly said something about his confidence in the stupidity of the human race when the slowest lady in the city saw the obvious. Seriously, Mary Gaperman outsmarted Schwoz, it couldn't be true.

"Oh, really?"

"Yes! People should look out for a boy about Kid Danger's height, about Kid Danger's age, who has a newly broken arm, because that boy would be..." For once in her life, and to Trent's amazement, Mary was on the verge of a breakthrough, her grey cells working harder than ever to come to an astounding conclusion. Everyone was on edge but whilst some citizens were desperate to hear her big theory, the Man Cave team were hoping a meteorite hit the news studio in the next three seconds. 

"Keep going, Mary..."

"No, stay right where you are, Mary. Keep your mouth shut..." (y/n) begged silently, hoping that the woman, who she'd always been quite fond of, would hear her plea. It had been a long night and they still had to set Henry's arm, she didn't fancy having a possible exposure situation involving every kid at Swellview High knowing who Kid Danger was.

"The Playground Pooper?" Mary offered her co-host, who winced at her inability to complete her brilliant moment. Ray and his family breathed a sigh of relief at the small miracle, thanking the universe for making Mary so dim-witted because it had saved them a heap of trouble. It wasn't very exciting for the tabloids but what they didn't know, wouldn't hurt them—or anyone else.

"Oooh, so close! No, Mary, that boy would be Kid Danger." And just like that, Trent took their miracle and tore it into little pieces, something that was so delightful for him because who doesn't like a juicy story?

They groaned, they shouted, they stomped their feet because Charlotte had been right, any idiot could see the correlation and now there was gonna be a damn witch-hunt for the kid who turned up to school with a cast.

"See?!"

"Okay, we have a big problem on our hands." Schwoz conceded. Yeah, now he agreed with her, now it was too late to do anything. 

"I agree. How are we going to get Jasper to stop pooping in playgrounds?" Ray joked, his small way of breaking the ice in the grave moment. (y/n) gave him a small smile for his effort, just enough to make it worth it because a pouty fiancé was no fun and if Henry's identity wasn't at risk then it would've been quite funny if a little infuriating for the kid being mocked.

"It's not me!" It probably wasn't Jasper, they knew he was a freak but he wasn't that big of a freak. No, he was innocent but winding him up was so much fun that they weren't gonna stop poking fun just yet. After all, the jokes didn't stink that bad.

~

First things first. Get Henry's arm fixed. 

Not even Schwoz had the technology to magically get it back to normal straight away, at least not in a way that Henry was comfortable with, so as he scanned the broken bone, he and (y/n) (the supervising nurse), agreed to go for something more traditional. 

A simple, plain cast that would hold the bone in place as it healed would do fine and whilst it would be difficult to explain to his family, Henry was happy with that option. It didn't involve amputation or fire or exsanguination so it was fine—plus, it was kinda cool to see his injury flash up on Schwoz's monitor.

"That thing detect muscles too, Schwoz? 'Cause I'm looking at Henry's arm and I'm not seeing any," Ray teased as he loitered around the couch, observing his sidekick as he longed out of uniform and allowed Schwoz to scan his arm. He was bored, that much was obvious, and he'd taken to making playful jokes at the kid since the scene was so dull and serious. 

Namely, his lack of upper body strength since the kid lacked any kind of bulk given that he was still a child and he, the bulkiest guy around, had muscles to spare—something he was showing off in his tight t-shirt for one lovely-looking nurse.

"Nice. Just broke my arm. Perfect time to start making fun of me," Henry offered his jovial boss a sarcastic smile, not best pleased with how he loved to point out his deficiencies when he was already down. Yeah, he hadn't started bodybuilding yet, and yeah, his wrists still went all the way up his arms, but it didn't mean he couldn't punch a guy in the face for being an ass.

"It was a joke, relax!"

"Don't poke the bear then, Mr Muscles," (y/n) teased her doofus back as she crossed the room just to squeeze his bicep. It was easy for him to make fun of others when he already had the body of a Greek god but he had to remember one thing; he was just as skinny once upon a time. He'd drunk a million protein shakes, pressed a million press-ups and punched a million bad guys to get where he was with his fitness and now he had the right to show off in front of his drooling fiancée, but no right to make fun of the kid who might just out-muscle him one day.

"I'm not poking anything, darlin'. It was funny! Did he break his funny bone too?" The hero smirked and practically became putty in her hands as she not-so-subtly felt his arms and the rippling muscles that he not-so-subtly flexed under her touch. He knew she had a thing for them since they were so big that she couldn't get her hands around them and seeing her so in love with the sight of them was exactly his style.

"Actually, he did!" Schwoz told him, pointing to the screen where he had an x-ray scan of Henry's broken arm and it showed a clean break in a particular bone. 

"Oh, yeah...look, doofus, the break is in his humerus bone," (y/n) pointed out to her lover, making the impossible task of taking her focus away from his hot body in favour of making sure he looked at the scan. The hero stepped past his lover, placing a kiss on her shoulder as he did, and bent over to look at his sidekick's arm because somewhere under the skin, there was the break his smart girl had shown him.

"Oh, yeah! Right there!" He grinned and jabbed the sore arm, which, understandably, pissed the kid off. It wasn't his day.

"Hey! What the heck, dude?! Stop!"

"Where's my finger poking?"

"What are you doing? Who does that? Stop! Stop! You're literally touching the most broken part of my bone right now! Can you stop?! (y/n), control your man-child fiancé!" Henry screeched as Ray prodded his arm, loving how he could see his finger and the bones beneath his skin on the scan whenever he did. It was just a bit of fun for him, but for Henry, each stab was an agonising sting.

"Okay, easy! She doesn't control me..." Ray backed off when the teen got vicious, his hands held up in surrender. Yeah, (y/n) didn't control him, that would be weird but she had some influence, especially when it came to tempt him away from annoying others.

"Stop terrorising the kid, doofus, and come over here," (y/n) smiled at him and dragged the man off to the side so Henry could receive Schwoz's treatment in peace. Reaching up on her tiptoes, the woman brought her lover into a gentle kiss, sighing happily when those arms that he loved to show off wrapped around her small form. That would keep him quiet for long enough as he refused to let go, only venturing deeper for the taste of honey.

"Ugh, gross...what are we doing? What's the plan?" Henry wrinkled his nose at the sight of them but didn't look a gift horse in the mouth and so moved on very quickly. If (y/n) could keep Ray entertained then who was he to stop that, even if the way he crowded her seemed to be a little overbearing? She seemed to like it, after all, she hadn't even swatted away his hands on her...yet. If they couldn't get a room, maybe he'd shove them into one.

"The plan is...you blow a bubble and fix your arm trouble," Schwoz replied, ignoring whatever were those strange noises that were coming from behind him, no doubt from the handsy hero as he ate the face of his quivering sweet girl. Give him strength, it was only his clever pun that gave him the strength to go on...or whip out his altar for them to get the marriage thing over and done with now.

"See? I can do rhymes too.."

"Pfff! Big—deal, you did a—rhyme. I do them all the..." Ray mumbled in between kisses and rolled his eyes when he noticed that Schwoz was giving him a mean glare. What? He couldn't help it if the sight of his floppy hair, tight shirt and huge biceps made his sweet girl want to kiss him and he couldn't help it if her just being her made him want to find a flat surface and revert to his caveman instincts. Was it really that bad to be in love with the woman he was going to spend the rest of his life with?

"Come on, doof, you can do it."

"...Every day." So close and yet so far. (y/n) giggled as Ray fell at the last hurdle, proving that whilst he was the cool hero, his quips weren't always the best, which was probably why he often spent hours coming up with them with his precious girl when they were tucked up in bed and too tired to do...other things.

"You're adorable, Raymond. Y'know that?" The woman in his arms remarked and sealed their lips again as his ears turned pink. Ignoring the loved-up couple once more, albeit, with a hidden smile on his face, Henry blew the bubble that Schwoz had handed to him; a simple yet effective method of getting a cast on his arm. It materialised, plaster wrapped with blue gauze and despite it already being a few seconds, Henry's arm felt better already.

"Hey, whoa!" "Nice cast, Schwoz! This problem is...solved!" Ray grinned, wandering over to inspect the new addition to Henry's outfit. He hadn't learnt his lesson, not at all, as he slapped the cast for good measure, and despite the solid plaster, the resounding thunk was still painful for Henry and his tender arm. He'd not pull any more faces if the kissing came back, kissing meant his arm wasn't a target.

"Ow! This problem is not solved," he winced but stayed focused on how they'd dealt with his arm, but not the big issue that they'd all been worried about. Had the kiss fried his brain or could he genuinely not remember?

"Why not?" Or maybe he was just stupid. Henry had long suspected that his boss wasn't playing with a full deck but now it was confirmed. He was dumb and a terrible listener, something which worsened when there was a certain pretty girl around.

"Because, doofus, if people see that Henry broke his arm, then they'll know he's Kid Danger, remember?"

"Oh, yeahhhh! You're so smart, sweet girl..." (y/n) blushed as Ray gave her his dopiest smile and trailed kisses across her cheek to her lips, a well-deserved reward, he thought, for the girl who kept him in line when he was being an idiot. He couldn't help himself, not when she was standing there, looking all pretty and sweet and perfect, and not when she'd been biting her lip non-stop the moment he changed out of his uniform and into the shirt he'd bought two sizes too small for him.

"Dude! How am I gonna hide this cast until my arm heals?" Henry butted in. They were going to be soon, couldn't this wait? Then, they'd have all night to do whatever floated their boat, so all he wanted right now, was a few minutes of their time to come up with a sensible plan. One that Ray wasn't gonna find at the back of (y/n)'s throat, so there was no point in looking there.

"Ugh! Easy!... We break Henry's other arm."

"Doofus..." Being interrupted didn't go down very well with the hero, who now had a ridiculous idea in his head and no warning note in his fiancée's voice was gonna shut him up as he dragged her towards the couch. If he could kiss her like he sorely wanted to, then he'd offer up his ideas, even if they weren't very good.

"So, he'll have two broken arms and that way, nobody will think he's Kid Danger. This problem is...solved," Ray smirked and flopped down onto the couch next to Henry, who gave him a bored look as he pulled his sweet girl into his lap too. He expected to be allowed to resume their activities, tonsil tennis mainly, but for once, (y/n) jerked her head away from his when he went in for another kiss, meaning his lips landed on her jawline instead. Hell, he could work with that, it often lead to something more than kisses anyway.

"You're not breaking my arm, dude," Henry said firmly, watching with squinted eyes as Ray spread his legs even further to try and coax (y/n) into his chest more, his attention on her than anything else. It was just one of those nights, he was feeling touchy, but the stupidity of breaking another arm didn't fix the problem, it made it worse.

"Okay, Schwoz'll do it."

"Raymond—Ray—okay, stop!" (y/n) scolded him in between giggles as his nose tickled its way down the column of her neck and tried to brush against her own. She had an excellent point and whilst she'd love nothing more than to bask in his attention, there was a serious floor in his plan. 

"Don't you think that if Henry Hart turns up with two broken arms, then it'll be exactly the same when Kid Danger also turns up with two broken arms? Either way, the problem won't go away with your plan."

"Oh, yeah..." Ray looked slightly downcast as he realised what she was saying but immediately perked up when she pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose to cheer him up. It wasn't the best idea ever, but he was trying and that warmed her heart anyway. 

"I have a different plan," Schwoz announced and smiled at them as he too tapped Henry's arm, causing the boy to wince yet again. When were people gonna realise that doing that caused him severe pain? At least it was fleeting, that was a bonus, and he quickly forgot about the agony shooting up his arm as Charlotte and Jasper appeared from the sprocket carrying...stuff. The genius had sent them on a small mission to find a few things for him, all of which he hoped would help Henry blag his way through the healing process.

"Hey, I found the case of fake arms!" Jasper yelled as he trotted down the steps with the large silver case that was full of prosthetics, which would hopefully provide them with a semi-decent solution to the kid's problem. 

"Where was it?"

"Right by that big jar of real legs," the boy replied, causing (y/n) to shiver in Ray's arms at the thought of what the handyman kept in storage. There weren't many rooms that she didn't like going in but that was definitely one of them—real pickled legs were just too freaky for her.

"Why do you have a jar of real legs?" Henry questioned, getting the same sense of freakiness as Ray hugged his fiancée tighter, anything to make her feel better. He wouldn't let her go in that room, he preferred to keep her happy and if need be, he'd suck up his fears and go into the leg room.

"A guy owed me twenty bucks. He paid me in legs," Schwoz answered, proving that he was a bigger weirdo than Henry originally thought and leaving him wishing he hadn't asked. What sort of guys did Schwoz talk to? Were there people out there who were missing legs that were actually in the Man Cave? So many questions...

"And this is the biggest sweater I could find. It was just in a drawer, not near any body parts, thank God." Charlotte moved on and tossed an alarmingly large sweater to Schwoz. It was so large that it could only be one person's and luckily for Henry, it wasn't contaminated by anything human.

"Okay, we give Henry one of these fake arms, then we hide his cast with a sweater from when Ray really loved horses," the genius explained, holding out the freakishly large sweater, patterned with two galloping horses in a desert scene. Honestly, it was a bit hideous, not because the horses were ugly or anything but it was quite gauche, gaudy, maybe even tacky by some people, and (y/n) had never been more thankful for anything that Ray's weird obsession had been nothing more than a phase. 

Was it three or four years ago? Maybe five, back when she'd wait up for her best friend and find him coming home all hot and sweaty from his time with the horses because Captain Man loved a challenge and the stallions gave him one. He'd bought horse bed sheets, horse mugs, horse shoes, horse t-shirts, horse sweaters, even a horse alarm clock and he wondered why their friendship had been a little tense for those few, agonisingly long months. Seriously, she thought she was losing her doofus to an animal.

"Oh, yeah, I used to race 'em. They always beat me, though," the man replied, earning himself a few funny looks when he added the second part. Gone was the prestige of being involved in horse racing and in came the judgement of a guy who was so stubborn and boastful that he thought he could run at forty miles per hour. 

"Oh, Raymond. You're so adorable sometimes—even if the damn horses drove me insane," (y/n) pinched his cheeks as she would with a cute child, finding him even more irresistible when he squirmed and blushed. He'd had a million phases since that one, ranging from fad diets to train-spotting, and every time, she tolerated and encouraged his hobbies until he moved on to the next. 

The important thing was that she remained a constant, a passion he could never shake, not that he'd ever want to; he knew that for all his flaws, his sweet girl was here to stay.

"Okay, I've got a lot of arm options for you but we have to find just the right one. Soooo, fake arm fashion show!" Schwoz exclaimed and began waving two of his fake arms around as Jasper, Ray, (y/n) and Charlotte cheered. Henry looked rather confused as he clapped them underneath his leg because what the hell was happening? Couldn't he just have a look?

Of course not, fashion shows were exciting and they gave his friends a chance to judge his every move as they worked through the case for something excellent. He didn't have much of a choice.

~

The stage was set. The screen had been erected so Henry could shove the arm into the sweater and he was ready to show off his first choice. The sweater was big and comfy, so that posed no problems. The only concern he had was for how...shit the arm looked as it was pinned to the sleeve. Well, that and how he looked like a true saddo with his little horsies on his chest as it wasn't the most subtle garment, more like a magnet for school bullies.

Apart from that, however, the arm was in place and as long as no one looked too close and he didn't shake the brace that held it to his body too much, it should be fine. Time to show his friends.

The group sat on the couch waiting with bated breath as they sipped on their fancy sodas through curly straws. Jasper, Charlotte and (y/n) were sat on the couch, poised for some serious judging as Schwoz and Ray stood behind them, leaning on the back with the latter resting his chin on the shoulder of the woman in front of him. He couldn't wait to whisper nonsense about the show in her ear and see her shiver but as Henry stepped out, the electricity in the room seemed to fizzle out.

"Hey..."

"That works..."

"Oh, yeah."

"I like it. It's a ten-out-of-ten arm," they ad-libbed, admiring how from a distance (and if they squinted their eyes a bit), the arm looked real. Maybe a bit plastic-y and awkward given the angle it fell from the sleeve but apart from that and the fact that he could pick anything up, it looked great. No improvement was needed, which was a bit of a disappointment since there was no need to carry on now that they'd found the perfect prosthetic.

"Seems good," Henry stated, feeling comfortable with his new-fake arm, even if his cast was getting pretty warm and itchy under the cheap sweater, and he could see the puzzled, disappointed faces of his friends when they realised that the show was over before it began.

"Man, I really thought that would take longer," Charlotte said as she swirled her drink with her straw. What were the odds that the first arm out of the case would be the one they were looking for?

"Me too, but you know, sometimes, the first arm just feels right," Ray replied and with a final peck on his sweet girl's cheek, stood up now that they had nothing to watch, which was a shame given that his opportunity to flirt had gone down the metaphorical toilet. 

"Yep, first arm's always right."

"That is what they say."

"Who actually says that?"

"So, once again, this problem is...solved," the hero reiterated, smirking at his youngest sidekick now that they'd found a solution to the problem, meaning he didn't have to worry about it and therefore, he could focus on other things...like whisking (y/n) away to somewhere more private. But, as always, it wasn't that simple, because even though he'd fastened and secured the arm in place as Schwoz had shown him, Henry could feel how clunky and surreal the thing was as it poked him in the ribs.

"Uh, once again, the problem is not solved. I mean, dude, this sweater and fake arm might work for, like, a day but it's not gonna fool people for long. I mean, look at this thing," the kid argued and proved his point by swinging his body to show how the arm didn't naturally follow his movements, it just floundered in the air and stuck out like a sore thumb. Without a doubt, someone at school or in his family was gonna see the latex and realise the truth—what then?

"Try tucking it into your pocket. That way, it won't flap about the place," (y/n) suggested, thinking that if the arm was secured in a natural position, it would look more real. Plus, it would be less likely to get snagged on something, so Henry was inclined to follow her sound advice, that is until Ray decided to make a madness out of it.

"Or, hook your thumb through your belt loop. That's what I do whenever I want to look cool and tough. I mean, one look of me like this and I was engaged to be married," the hero smirked as he stood there with his fingers dangling from his waistband and (y/n) scoffed a laugh at his outrageous joking. Sure, in his dreams; whilst she had to admit that any pose he did was cute, this one wasn't it. He looked awkward and like a doofus, and it wasn't what made her agree to marry him. That was a long list ranging from his floppy hair to his goofy personality; belt loops be damned.

"Keep telling yourself that, Ra—"

"Oh, yeah! Just try this, Henry," Jasper, being the suck-up and bonehead he was, jumped in to back his boss up, believing that the ridiculous pose was something to be proud of, something that made them edgy, something that made them appeal to girls. The boy needed more appeal than the elder, but even he felt epic as he pushed out his pelvis and leaned back with a cocky smirk on his face. He only had one girl to impress but even though she loved the sight of him in that shirt, he looked so silly.

"You look cool, man."

"Yeah, you look cool too. What's up?" They complimented each other as they obnoxiously exaggerated their thumbs poking through the denim, wiggling their hips and flaring their fingers so they looked like idiots. Yeah, Henry wasn't gonna do that, he wanted to attract girls, not scare them off.

"Yeah, I'm not doing that."

"Your loss." Ray shrugged and turned to smirk at his sweet girl, who was shaking her head with a soft smile. He was a dork, but he was her dork, and having him looming over her wasn't so bad. As long as Charlotte was on-hand to stop Henry from doing something idiotic, she could admire him as much as she wanted and long for the minute they were free to go to bed.

"Or...tomorrow morning, at school, we stage a fake accident where Henry can pretend to break his fake arm in front of everyone," the teen girl shared her plan and for once, it was a genuinely sensible one. No craziness, no far-fetched details, nothing that could go wrong and Henry liked the sound of it because whilst he loved some of Ray's insane ideas, sometimes, they were a bit much. After everything that had happened that night, he just wanted to get this problem solved without any more problems.

"Yes! Then, I'll have an excuse for my broken arm and people won't think I'm Kid Danger."

"Exactly! And, we do something simple, like Jasper accidentally closes your fake arm into his locker. Done," Charlotte suggested and it was like music to Henry's ears. He liked the sound of that, no frills, no lace, no fancy, unnecessary bits, just a straightforward accident that could be explained in such a dull way that no one would question it. Perfect.

"Problem actually solved."

"Perfect."

"I like it."

"Good, we don't want any more accidents around here," the group were all in agreement; it was a great plan. Schwoz, Henry, Charlotte, Jasper and (y/n) were ready to get the plan going, meaning the kids would be left to sort it out themselves since it would be highly weird for a happily engaged couple and their oddball handyman to show up at a high school. Extremely weird. 

Therefore, it would be best to let them get on with it, after all, fewer people meant fewer complications, which someone should've told Ray.

"Yawn," he added to the end of their happy chittering, meaning they couldn't leave the problem there because he, the boss, the guy in charge, wasn't satisfied, much to (y/n)'s confusion and slight annoyance. What had his panties in a bunch now?

"Uh, what?"

"Doofus, what's up with you?" The sidekicks looked at him with bored expressions as the man sucked up the last of his drink. He had that expression on his face that told his precious girl that he thought that he knew best, which everyone knew was never the case. It was very rare for Ray Manchester to have an intellectual advantage over someone else and it was almost certain that he wasn't thinking with his brain, more like with his ego.

"Oh, I said yawn because that plan puts me to sleep," Ray replied rather arrogantly and (y/n)'s adoring looks turned sour.

"Uh, I'm sorry?" Charlotte, however, hadn't had the years of experience that she had, and hadn't figured out a method for breaking through his pigheadedness, so for her, his abrasive argument was a bit shocking. Almost as if she couldn't believe her ears.

"I mean...it's boring! It'll work, probably great...but where's the funny?" He asked, fingertips touching fingertips in a cocky pose as he looked down at the girl from his high horse, something that didn't sit well with his fiancée. Did he want to get some tonight or was he deliberately trying to be obnoxious? Why did everything have to be funny? It didn't make sense; sometimes, it's better to get the problem over and done with, rather than messing with it until it's even bigger than it was to begin with.

"Raymond, we're not trying to be funny."

"Uh, mission accomplished, sweet girl," he booped her nose, causing her to wrinkle it up in a way that he found adorable, especially when it was paired with her moody pout. He didn't mean to cause any aggro, but he was certain that they could do this a different way, one that result in a school incident that was so hilarious it would go down in the history books. Maybe it was because he never got the chance to be a school prankster, a class clown, or anything school related, perhaps he wanted to live that childhood experience whilst he still could. After all, it's not like the kids would be around forever.

"I got a better, funnier idea."

"Fine, come on, then. Let's hear your big idea, doofus," (y/n) sighed and crossed her arms, looking at him tiredly through her lashes. She could predict what was about to come out of his mouth; bold, outlandish, stupid, possibly dangerous, ridiculous. Definitely ridiculous. She loved him, but by god, she wanted to tie him up and gag his dumb mouth before he said or did something they'd all regret.

"Still got that trebuchet?" The hero didn't reply to her, rather, he turned to Schwoz and that mischievous smirk grew on his face. The mention of the medieval invention caused them both to sneak and chuckle with planned wickedness because for those who knew what a trebuchet was, AKA (y/n), that sounded worrying. 

The kids didn't want to know what those two used to get up to with that thing, how many times they'd nearly been caught by the cops for flinging watermelons where they didn't belong, and how it was only because the Man Cave was a hidden location that they'd managed to wait until the heat died down. It all came to a head when she had to put her foot down after an incident with a smashed window and a furious business owner, so from then on, the trebuchet was tucked away into storage, unused but still ready for another adventure. Yippee.

"No, don't you dare, Ray Manchester! You know how I feel about that damn trebuchet! We're not doing the trebuchet," the woman said firmly, pointing a very stern finger at her lover who didn't seem all that scared, not in the way the kids had previously seen him scared during one of their arguments. 

This was more like a mother admonishing her child into scaring them away from danger, but it was clear that the child was gonna do it anyway, curiosity killed the cat and all that. No, Ray didn't look phased at all and to her frustration, he merely stepped forward, looked deeply into her eyes and when she thought that the soft kiss they shared was his version of an apology, he went and ruined it. And it was such a gentle kiss too, almost perfect had it not been for him pulling away just when she was turning into goo.

"We're doin' the trebuchet...come on, sweet girl...don't look at me like that, sweetheart, " he nodded at Schwoz, making his sweet girl gasp in outrage because he tricked her, the sneaky little—he tricked her! He got her defences down and her argument thrown out by using her need for peppermint-bubblegum against her, which was highly unfair but very effective as it meant that she was dazed just long enough to tell his repairman that they were going storage-diving. Or trash-diving; most of the stuff in storage was absolute garbage.

"What's a trebuchet? Where are they going? Jasper, will you please stop playing with my fake arm?!" So many questions, so little time for poor Henry, whose mood had deflated when this mystery item had been introduced. He'd not done early history in school, otherwise, he might have heard of one, but despite his lack of knowledge, he still got the feeling that whatever a trebby thing was, it wasn't good. This was one of Ray's weird plans that wasn't gonna work, wasn't it?

"We'll handle it. You don't have to worry about anything," Ray tried to soothe his sidekick as he kept (y/n) tied to him with his fingers tight around her hand. He'd need her help to find the trebuchet since she was the one who'd locked it away and so, he was already working on a plan to sway her into doing so, possibly with a bribe, more likely with seduction. He was good at that and he was also good at pissing her off, which was starting to work too, judging by the raised eyebrows and sceptical looks she kept giving him. His plan for her better be good.

"That makes me worry about everything."

"Me too," Charlotte agreed with her friend. She didn't like how cocky her boss was being or how he was dragging (y/n) off for some unknown search and rescue mission or how a trebuchet could be involved. She had a vague idea of what one was since she was a well-read smarty and it gave her the chills. They were big, clunky and not very practical, given how they weren't particularly good when they were first used. What more could Ray want?

"All you gotta do is meet me, (y/n) and Schwoz at school tomorrow morning and we'll trebu-show you a fake accident that's way funnier than Charlotte's," the large man bragged, earning him an eye roll from not just Charlotte, but (y/n) too. Why did she have to be dragged away from her cosy home during the little free time she got? Oh, right, she had to play babysitter to her dumb lover who'd rather prove a point than spend the day watching movies or going shopping with her.

"Oh, yeah, showing up at a kid's school to wreak havoc, just what every normal couple does," she remarked and looked up at her doofus, who for a split second, seemed to be slight sheepish at her observation, almost like the thought of the alternative spending the day at home crossed his mind before the smirk returned. Any time spent with his fiancée was time well spent, so Ray wasn't that bothered, more like planning how tomorrow was gonna unfold.

"All right, whatever. I'm tired, I'm going home."

"Yeah, I'm out like Jasper's belly button."

"Way out," the kids announced, having had enough craziness for one day and by all accounts, they'd be needing their strength for tomorrow so a good night's sleep was in order. They'd leave Ray and Schwoz's to plan for their big plan, hopefully (y/n) wouldn't kill them and by the time that had all been sorted out, they'd thankfully be well clear of whatever the couple was gonna do before finally going to sleep. They wanted to avoid that like the Black Death, so a speedy exit was necessary.

"Henry!" Schwoz suddenly shouted as the kid waited for the elevator. He turned to see the genius looking frantic whilst Ray was oblivious since he was already making a move on (y/n), whispering in her ear and causing her cheeks to heat up. What did Schwoz need that meant he couldn't get out of their love nest? The sooner he left, the better; he still had some innocence left, y'know. 

"Don't let your parents see your cast when you get back home."

"I won't," the boy replied and hit the button with his fake, flailing arm. Did the guy think he was an idiot? His mom would freak if she saw what he'd done to his arm, let alone know what he'd been up to since she and his dad always watched the news.

"Because then, they'll know that you're Kid Danger!"

"Yeah, I realise that." His concern was nice, y'know, it was good that someone cared but it really wasn't necessary. Henry was a smart kid and he knew how to keep the secret from his family. Lord knows he'd had enough practice over the last few years.

"Then, we'd have to wipe their memories again."

"Yeah, I said I realised tha—wait, again?!" Honestly, Henry wanted to get home quick since things were getting too spicy for him in the Man Cave and he was willing to say anything to get Schwoz to shut up, but then, the last detail of his sentence caught his attention. Hang on, did that mean his family had discovered something before? Should he be worried about them? 

"I dunno..." Schwoz's lips were sealed on the promise of Ray beating him up should he squeal any details. What was in the past should stay in the past and that was one story that Henry could never be told, even if it was about his parents, sister and whoever else. So, to take his mind off of it before he was in a sticky situation, Ray stepped in with a little something he'd pulled from a drawer, hoping to make everyone, especially his sweet girl laugh. He loved her laugh.

"Hey, Jasper! Catch!" He yelled to the odd boy and tossed a toilet roll across the room, into the elevator and the boy's hands. What was he—? Oh, god, no more teasing, the poor kid didn't understand the joke until he walked right into it.

"What's this for?"

"In case you pass a playground on your way home," Ray grinned, his banter drawing several chuckles from around the room and to his joy, he felt his darling girl press her face into his pec to save Jasper's blushes. 

She hated laughing at people, even if it was only teasing but it was quite amusing to see Jasper's ears turn pink. She knew it wasn't him but winding him up was so fun and her doofus did it so well, always keeping it light and jovial, never malicious, so despite her frustration, her arms wound their way around his waist and she gazed at him with happiness in her eyes. He was a doofus but he was her doofus.

"I'm not the Playground Pooper!" Jasper shouted in his defence, which didn't help much since agitation is a sign of being guilty, so Ray wasn't convinced, especially when Jasper failed to give the roll back. "But I am keeping this 'cause I think we're out at home!" 

The three were left giggling and joking as the elevator door closed on the couple metres of tissue, which son disappeared when it was pulled upwards. He was never gonna live this down, Ray would never let him go, or he would, but only if something funnier came along. Maybe he'd appeal directly to (y/n) and get her to have a word with him because it was common knowledge that if you wanted to talk with the boss, you went to her - the true heart of the Man Cave.

~The next day, Swellview High School~

Things were buzzing in the corridors of Swellview High as kids rushed to get to classes they were late for or to their group of friends to swap the latest gossip. Of course, there were the usual topics; who was dating who, which teacher was on the verge of being sacked, had Captain Man really been caught making out with Miss Danger in an alley behind the Nacho Ball on Fifth Street, some were more exaggerated than others but the thing on everyone's lips was obvious, more popular than anything else. Kid Danger.

No one knew when the mystery boy was going to turn up, so everyone was on the lookout for a kid who fit the bill, which wasn't too hard. Some had even placed bets on who they thought it could be, some pretended that they didn't even care when they were more desperate than anyone else and others were just hoping to get lucky. Every girl wanted to date Kid Danger, so they all thought they'd know him when they saw him, not discounting Piper Hart. 

She didn't even go to that school, being too young, and yet there she was, bright and early, skiving from her real lessons for a glimpse at the sidekick and his telltale broken arm. Piper had a system; vet every boy who came in, check for any suspicious injuries and ask him to be her boyfriend until the end of time. Because that wouldn't be creepy at all.

"We are so getting put on some kind of list. Y'know, the kind for weirdos who sneak into schools." 

Not as creepy as what was being set up in the hall, though. It was another topic of conversation amongst the students; what the hell was that monstrosity in front of the doors and why were three freaks messing with it? No guesses for who the three freaks were. 

Ray and Schwoz were perfectly calm as they adjusted the twine on the trebuchet, making sure everything was gonna be ready for their big performance. It had taken some sneakiness to get it into the school and no short amount of lying for any suspicious teachers who wanted to know why two medieval squires and one noble lady were shoving bits of old wood and ropes into their school. 

(y/n) felt uneasy, like her tummy was telling her something again, but no matter how much she scolded her doofus about his dumbness or reasoned that it wasn't on late to go home yet, he patted her on the head and spoke to her in a stupidly formal accent.

"Worry not, fair maiden. Watcheth thy lover as his trebuchet makes the melon-eth fly through the air...eth," Ray replied, giving her a gentle side smile as he placed a heavy yet small melon onto a wooden panel, ready to be flung. He was trying his best to fit the part, ensuring that his voice matched his ridiculous dress-up of baggy blue breeches, tunic embroidered with silver studs, knee-high brown leather boots and soufflé-like hat, complete with a yellow feather. 

Schwoz didn't look much better; his outfit looked like some cavalier reject, straight from the English Civil War what with his natty wig and red velvet ensemble, and now that she thought about it, (y/n) didn't fancy her outfit much either. 

She kept tripping up on her skirts, had spent way too long on her hair, and was almost certain that she'd done up the corset wrong since Ray had been trying to trail kisses down her neck when he came up from behind after seeing her struggle for so long. It was a wonder she'd even managed to get dressed after finding him still insatiable that morning but after beating him off with a metaphorical stick, she'd pulled on her gloves, fallen over her own feet a million times and found herself in Henry's school, smiling at the children like a regal queen. If only. 

They all looked odd and the woman hadn't felt this vulnerable to school bullies since she'd had her braces put on in middle school but for now, they were staying away, possibly because of the hulking giant of a man who kept pecking her cheek. The same giant who failed to realise that speaking like a twelfth-century noble did not mean adding fancy inflexions after every word or using archaic words. 

Any minute now, someone would recognise them as the wacko couple who ran that junk store down the road or even worse, Piper would pay attention and realise that her friend was a weirdo getting married to another weirdo.

"I'll make you fly through the air, Ray. I'll kick your butt!" She snapped, prodding him in the pec as Henry and Charlotte approached with disgusted looks on their faces. It was impossible to miss the trebuchet and the not-so-subtle flirting, particularly when Ray looked up from his mischief to stop her worrying little head yet again. This was a school, he had to keep his hands to himself, but that didn't mean he couldn't fawn over her.

"Babe, this plan is perfect...and funny! Stop worrying about it and just stand there looking all pretty. Like you usually do," the hero smirked, squishing her flaming cheeks as she tried to be stern only for him to flirt his way past her defences. She was trying to be mad at him and failing miserably because whilst the dress wasn't her style, he loved her in it—well, he loved her in anything.

"Flattery will get you nowhere!"

"It got me somewhere last night. Remember?" Ray was lightning fast with his remark, watching as her jaw hit the ground because he was exactly right, not that she wanted to show him that. 

It was obvious, however, and the man saw straight through the way she tried to stop her eyes from widening and her lip from quivering, only to fail miserably. He made an excellent point; not ten hours earlier, he broke past her grumpy façade when they were digging through old weapons and gadgets and used his charm to leave Schwoz to find the trebuchet and drag her to a more private setting. 

"You—you—that's the last time we...y'know! I swear! No more for you! Ever!" The woman spluttered waggling her finger under his nose as she flustered from his observation. It was an empty threat, a lose-lose situation that neither of them ever wanted, so the hero didn't falter, rather, his smirk deepened.

"Sure it is, sweet girl. Just wait until tonight when you're begging me—"

"Oh my god, what are they talking about?"

"And what are they doing?" The banter was interrupted by the familiar voices of two disgruntled teens as they approached the medieval display and instantly, the couple clammed up on discussing their nightly activities. This was a school, after all, and those were their wards. They sounded confused and disgusted, which caused (y/n) to yet again squirm in embarrassment since she had no idea how close they were, but in all seriousness, she had to agree that the costumes and act were nothing short of humiliating.

"Tis ready!"

"Forsooth!"

"Fire thy trebuchet, dearheart, and Godspeed!—or something to that effect..." the "actors" proclaimed for all to hear and as Ray took up his fair lady's hand and planted a respectful kiss on her knuckles, the trebuchet fired the watermelon, flinging it across the hall until it splattered against a poster a few metres away. It was quite impressive, judging by the awed reactions of the round of applause from the teenage crowd, who now knew what a trebuchet was. A catapult thing, not what you'd normally expect a thirty-seven-year-old man to keep in his home but whatever.

"Oh, good morrow, fair youth!" Ray exclaimed as he noticed Henry standing near his brilliant device and without breaking his persona, approached him in a bouncy if ridiculous manner that probably would've ended up in him losing his head had he done it in a real ancient court. 

He needed to see his reaction because his plan was amazing and there was no doubt that the kid was speechless from his performance. Of course, he didn't want to make it known that he was Henry's boss, that dude from Junk-N-Stuff, but still, he couldn't help but wrap an arm around his shoulders and pull him to the side as (y/n) and Schwoz soaked up the praise.

"Good morrow to yo—I can't do this, dude. What's going on?" Henry asked in exasperation, not even bothering to copy his boss's fancy words because he wasn't some dick from the Middle Ages, he was a kid from the modern era. All he wanted to know was why he was on the verge of being heavily embarrassed.

"Okay, here's the plan," the man hissed, drawing a few glances from (y/n) and Charlotte as the girl teased her friend over her beautiful yet impractical getup. 

"You go stand by the stairs. We fling a basketball at you. It hits you in your fake arm and you pretend like it's broken! It'll be a lot funnier than Charlotte's idea!"

"Okay, but what if the basketball doesn't hit me—"

"And break!" Henry didn't have time to share any concerns or bring up any issues that might have been tied to the plan because Ray didn't want to hear it, so he pushed the kid back into the crowd. He couldn't complain in front of his peers, he couldn't even acknowledge that he knew these weirdos, so he walked over to his spot and prepared himself for the basketball. 

"We are members of the Swellview Flinging Society!"

"Forsooth!" Ray introduced himself and his band of merry men—woman—weirdo and woman—whatever. They even did a strange dance pose, arms curled in the air as their toes pointed and (y/n) could already hear sniggers of "losers" coming from the crowd. She'd left school a long time ago, being back and bullied in her thirties wasn't how she'd pictured her life going.

"We doth fling many things with our trebuchet!"

"Tis the truth, my young friends. Now, behold with thine eyes that hath seen fewer winters than mine and see for yourself, the art of an age gone by!" But, she humoured her doofus nonetheless and played into her part, flourishing and smiling at the crowd as if she was some queen from a long forgotten time, using words she'd only ever read in Shakespeare, in an outfit that should've been in a museum. 

Ray and Schwoz moved to set up the trebuchet, cranking back the arm into flinging position, which left hosting duties to her, and as they did, Jasper barrelled past them, heading for Henry and Charlotte. What was he in a hurry for?

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! You guys, check it out!"

"Hey, Pooper."

"What's poopening?" His friends greeted him, causing his mouth to set into a straight, firm line. That joke wasn't funny yesterday and nothing had changed overnight, except that he now had material to back himself up against these heinous lies. The only way he could get everyone to see that he didn't use playgrounds as toilets was if he proved that he couldn't have done the deed or have even been there. Proof was irrefutable.

"I know who the Playground Pooper is."

"So do we."

"Yeah, it's you," Charlotte and Henry couldn't help but mock him a little, ensuring that their faces showed no hint of humour or that they were joking. He was used to it and at the end of the day, the teasing was harmless and all in good fun.

"No, it's not! I go in toilets, I've been potty trained for four years!" Jasper told them sternly, trying to stress that he was a big boy, a seventeen-year-old very capable of going in appropriate places. But then, when Charlotte thought about his words, something didn't add up. Seventeen minus four...oh, god.

"Wait..." It didn't bear thinking about for Charlotte. She'd known Jasper since...forever, did that mean he'd...when she was with him? 

"Just look at this..." the boy didn't dwell on that disturbing fact for long and instead, directed his friends' attention to the PearPad he took from his backpack, on which he'd pulled up a video that had been uploaded to SplashFace. Something about someone being spotted somewhere in Swellview Park. What significance did that have? 

"This is the Playground Pooper walking through some carnations and I'm allergic to carnations, so it can't be me!"

"Those look like roses."

"What?!" Charlotte shot down his hopes in one fell swoop. She was no flower expert but she knew what a carnation was and even though the video quality wasn't good, she could see that the petals weren't crinkled in the right way. And Jasper couldn't believe it, he could swear that those buds were the ones that brought him out in sneezes and a rash, but according to Henry, those were something different entirely.

"Yeah, those are North American Sugar roses, bro. I know my flowers," Henry told him, divulging a surprising fact about himself since, in most teenage boy circles, flowers weren't the "in thing". Who wants to spend a few weeks looking at different blooms surrounded by pretty, soft girls? Oh, right, that's why he went.

"He does, he went to flower camp."

"Yeah, dude, it was sick."

"No!" Jasper stormed off in a mood, having had enough of talk about flowers, namely because he'd been disproven. That had been his big plan, that the plants would provide him with an alibi but he hadn't counted on Henry being such an expert. Now he had to come up with something else, but he was flat out of ideas and back to square one. His friends were so nice.

"Hear ye, hear ye! The flinging is about to commenceth!" Ray suddenly announced, drawing everyone's focus back to the trebuchet now that it had been reset into its original position. Show time; his big plan was ready if only those involved could assume their given positions.

"Everyone should stand where they're supposed to stand..."

"Gotta go..." Henry took that as his unsubtle hint to go and stand where the melon had splattered across the floor and wall. Charlotte had a bad feeling about this and if she had one, then (y/n) had one, but all they could do was shared a worried shrug since there was no stopping this farce now.

"My dear younglings, be-ith most careful, for when yon basketball be shot, it traveleth so fast, that it mayeth break someone's arm. I would hate to see such sorrow before the midday sun," (y/n) added, wanting to make sure that no one but Henry stood near the trebuchet because that would mean an instant phone call to the police, them having to explain themselves to an officer and their problem still very much prominent. 

And it was about to get even bigger because as the children broke out into applause again, a wandering green booger walked her way into the corridor, eyeing the performers with suspicion written on her face.

"Hold it right there, fancy pants!" Sharona Shapen snapped above the noise and the room fell into a silence, including one kid with some particularly snazzy trousers on. Poor guy, he was just trying to get to class in his best outfit, it was only a coincidence that other people had come into the building rivalling his fabulousness. He needed to be sent on his way.

"Not you, L'Orange! What the heck is going on here?" The teacher demanded to know and even if she was weird and even if her dress sense was hideous and even if she'd been known to love on Captain Man, she had a right to ask that. They'd turned up to the school with no warning or permission, which was concerning now that they thought about it and (y/n) just prayed that she didn't see through their disguises.

"We be the Swellview Flinging Society!"

"We are flingers!"

"We fling, patron of the arts!" The three lied, doing their little fancy greeting before (y/n) slipped her hand into Ray's. It might have ruined the image a bit but she needed something to ground her right now, otherwise, she was in danger of fainting from the stress. Sharona was looking at them with an evil stare and she did not look happy. Maybe she and Ray could swap love letters when they were each carted off to separate prisons.

"Well, go do your flinging somewhere else! These kids should be in classrooms pretending to listen to their teachers!" She hissed, making an excellent point to the startled trio, who was shuffling on their feet to think of a way to buy her silence. 

Once upon a time, a year or two ago, Ray had kissed her as a distraction, but that was out of the question now. One kiss had nearly killed him since he'd swore to never kiss any lips other than those that tasted like honey and (y/n) had only agreed because that had been an emergency. No, that wasn't gonna work on Sharona this time, so Ray offered the one thing he could.

"Look, you wanna fling a basketball at a wall?" It was carnal, brutish, and entirely uncivilised but that was the weird teacher all over and part of the fun. It was the best offer she'd had in months, especially from someone so handsome.

"'Course I do, get outta my way," she quickly agreed, the temptation too much regardless of her earlier concerns about safety and the students' education. When it came down to it, Miss Shapen was entirely selfish and eager to see the trebuchet in action, although first, Schwoz needed to show her what to do so she hit Henry as per the plan.

"Allow me to explaineth—"

"Relax, Leonardo. I've used a trebuchet in a school before," she spoke over him, however, meaning Schwoz wasn't able to get in there and aim the catapult in the direction they need it to be. Glossing over the oddness of her being so reckless in another situation, (y/n) looked at her lover with wide eyes and realised that things were about to go wrong and all because one woman couldn't listen.

"Favoured artisan, bearer of knowledge, orchestrator of tomorrow's wisdom...put the forsaken trebuchet down and leteth my companions aim—"

"Fire in the hall!" Any of the heroine's pleas were useless; Sharona released the catch before anyone could turn the arm, so the basketball was fired at maximum power and in completely the wrong direction. Straight into Charlotte's head. Ouch. 

The poor girl squealed and fell to the floor, not gravely injured, thank God, but she still had the mother of all heads and undoubtedly, she'd wake up with a lump tomorrow. The crowd gasped at the horrific collision and no one was more horrified than her nearest and dearest, who looked at the teacher with wide eyes for what she had done.

"I was never here!" Miss Shapen shouted to her students, even though it was pretty useless since she stuck out like a green thumb and every one of them would be happy to rat her out if it meant less homework. And, as much as they wanted to strangle her for what she'd done without letting them help first, Ray, Schwoz and (y/n) had to let the teacher scurry off as Henry helped Charlotte up because it wasn't their place as visiting actors to scold a teacher for the injury caused to a girl they weren't supposed to know.

"Are you okay?" Henry asked breathlessly as he leaned over Charlotte, hoping that she didn't have a concussion, but clearly, things were so hot for Charlotte, who couldn't see for the flashing lights in her eyes and the spinning room. She could see five Henrys in her head and because of her confusion, she didn't register the mistake she made in grabbing his fake arm, believing that it was real and stretched out to help her up. 

"No, no, no, no!" Too late. Henry couldn't do anything as his friend tumbled back to the ground, his false arm in her hand as Charlotte pulled it from his sleeve, much to the shock of his friends and fellow students. If that didn't look suspicious, then nothing did because, now, there was a kid in the hall who'd either just suffered and gruesome yet impossible injury or he had something to hide.

"Oh, shit..." (y/n) breathed out as Henry's world came crashing down and now, she needed Ray's entire arm to ground herself as they watched helplessly with stony faces. The hero's heart was in his mouth as he watched his youngest sidekick flounder, knowing that the worst scenario possible was now happening and he was helpless to intervene as the kid did the only thing he could think of.

"Ahhhh! Charlotte just pulled off my real arm! Next time you see me, I'll probably have a cast," he attempted to make the best of the situation, throwing in some lame excuse that his arm had magically dropped off with no blood spillages and that he'd be okay. Yeah, there was nothing weird at all about just sticking a cast on an amputated arm, that was how science worked. However, when one kid, known for being highly snotty and annoying, picked up his rubber limb from the floor, it was all over, no more playing around.

"This arm is fake! This is a fake arm!" He told the crowd, who immediately began whispering and chuntering amongst themselves about what that could mean for the boy who was nice to all, fairly popular, rather good-looking but sometimes mysteriously absent from his classes. Piper, who'd seen everything from her place scanning boys at the door, walked over to her brother, intent on finding the truth, even if he looked terrified at that moment.

"Why were you wearing a fake arm?" She demanded to know but when Henry tried to string together an excuse, she didn't let him finish. It was too late for excuses, Henry was way out of his depth. "What are you hiding?"

"Piper, I'm not doing anyth—"

"Take this off! What is wrong with you?!—" his sister exclaimed, not knowing that the big deal was about the ugly sweater that her brother had refused to take off since last night. Fighting his squirming body, she grasped the hood and tugged it over his head and Henry was powerless to stop her with merely one hand and so, the horse-themed garment was removed, revealing his blue cast underneath. And how telling it was to the boys and girls watching.

"You've got a broken arm!" Piper exclaimed with horror and shock written all over her face as she took in the sight in front of her.

There stood a boy about Kid Danger's height, about Kid Danger's age with a broken arm and before her eyes, everything fell into place, not that she could make sense of anything. There was only one explanation and Henry didn't know what to do. He couldn't look at Ray or (y/n), he didn't want to see their angry or disappointed faces, he couldn't look at Schwoz, Jasper or Charlotte either since he didn't want to implicate them. This was officially a disaster. So much for Ray's big plan.

"Oh my god, Henry Hart is Kid Danger!" The annoying kid realised, sending everyone into a shocked, noisy kerfuffle as everyone turned to their friends to gossip. 

Ray and (y/n) could try to discourage as much as they wanted, telling the kids that they knew very little about being superheroes but that didn't sound very likely, yet nothing could convince them otherwise. 

Girls were already planning their dates, boys were already planning to be his best friend and others were in awe of the scrawny, average kid who'd never been particularly good at anything, just another face around school. Who'd have thought that he was a superhero's sidekick? Not Piper, that's for sure.

"So much better than my plan," Charlotte said to Ray with a glare that could kill as she nursed her sore head and on a rare occasion in his life, Ray looked remorseful, guilty even. He had to admit that something else may have been easier and that perhaps in this situation, getting the issue over and done with would've been easier, nothing funny about it. 

"We need a way to fix this, now. You know what kids are like! One text or TwitFlash update and we are finished, Ray. No more Captain Man, no more Miss Danger, no more anything!" (y/n) stressed to her fiancé, who didn't need telling to know that they had to do something and fast. 

"Calm down, sweet girl. We'll think of something, I promise. Nothing's—gonna—happen," he reassured her, pressing firm kisses to her forehead with each word to try and make her feel better but as her fingers curled against his chest, she could feel his heartbeat jumping through the velvet blue. 

Maybe he was trying to convince himself as well as her that everything would be okay, but it wasn't helping given the fact that they could hear Piper stressing behind them. She sounded distraught at the deceit and that just made her want to cry into his shoulder even more, more so when the annoying kid started poking the bear again.

"Why were hiding your broken arm? We have a right to know!" He stated, prodding Henry with the squashy fingers of the rubber arm, tapping the cast in a way that made the blond-haired boy want to claw his eyes out, though he settled for just slapping the thing away. Getting irate wouldn't help anything, rather, it was a sign of a guilty conscience.

"Listen, everybody, listen! Stop poking me! I'm not—I'm not Kid Danger, okay? Okay, stop poking me! Stop poking me, Melvin!" He shouted above the noise, attempting to control the crowd and stop their whispering and gossiping, but the stress, the worry and the annoyance of constantly being prodded soon became too much for him. 

As his last nerve broke, Henry grabbed the fake arm and harshly used it to slap the annoying kid, also known as Melvin, across the face, feeling satisfied as the rubber belted his skin and left it red. It was a bit cruel but he deserved it, even if the crowd did gasp in surprise. He was so irritating, there was no surprise that he broke the kid's patience.

"Okay, I have the arm! I get to speak now!" Henry declared as he held the arm in his free hand, which was a gauntlet for who was allowed to talk and one kid took it quite seriously. "Thank you. Now, as I was saying, I'm not Kid Danger—"

"Prove it!" Melvin yelled, having gotten over his assault to be as annoying as ever. It was reasonable though, if Henry wanted to save his skin, then he was gonna have to give them a damn good excuse, no matter what it cost him.

"I will prove it, Melvin! As soon as I...think of something," he argued, trying to seem cool and composed when he had no idea what they were gonna do or how they were gonna get out of this one. 

He looked at Ray and (y/n) since they were the adults in this situation, they were meant to be in control and responsible, not to mention that the latter was smart. However, they looked just as clueless as he did, pale and nervous too, so it took someone unforeseeable to swoop in and save his bacon, someone who never normally saved the day.

"Come with me to the janitor's closet!" Jasper murmured in his ear as he snuck past, which didn't sound perturbing at all for Henry, who didn't fancy a secret rendezvous with his best friend in the dark but he was already gone and pushing through the line of people who were staring at the two. It didn't look like he had much choice.

"I will be back with answers...until then...Melvin has the arm," he announced and tossed the limb at the boy, who could now run his mouth off to his heart's content since he wouldn't be around to get annoyed. He seemed quite content to be in charge, but the sight of Henry scuttling off into the closet was rather peculiar for Charlotte, (y/n), Ray and Schwoz.

"What do you think they're up to?" The woman whispered to her doofus as they observed Charlotte scrambling after those idiots just as quickly as they had. Ray peered around the corner with squinted eyes, looking through the chattering students to see where they went and he decided that whatever was going down, they were gonna be a part of it.

"I don't know, darlin', but we're gonna find out," he replied, squeezing her hand once before pulling her across the hall, assuming that Schwoz was following behind them. He was Captain Man, this was his life, his work, his legacy and he wasn't going to watch it go down in flames; he wanted to know what they were planning, mainly because this was his fault, not that he'd ever admit that.

Storming across the room, Ray dodged the many children in his way and ignored the strange looks they got as they headed for the janitor's closet. No one questioned why the performers were wanting to speak with the newly discovered Kid Danger, so they were free to rip open the door, tumble in as a whirlwind of sparkly, studded velvet and wine red skirts, and see the three of them stood there. 

Henry and Charlotte had crowded around Jasper's PearPad again, watching some video on some website that (y/n) remembered from her youth. What party had they just crashed?

"You got a big problem on your hands," was the first thing Ray said as he pulled his lover in front of him so she was in on the conversation and then shut the door behind him for a little privacy. 

That statement earned him a few glares because whilst it was technically true, Henry did have a big problem, it was more accurate that they all had a big problem. After all, it affected every one of them, did he not realise that he could be found out too if someone connected the dots? Henry Hart's boss from Junk-N-Stuff was Captain Man? The similarities were obvious when you thought about them.

"No, Raymond, we have a big problem. We."

"I know that, thank you," Henry, although thankful for her correction, stated dryly after (y/n). He didn't mean to sound rude but he was under enough pressure as it was, an argument wasn't needed, just a solution.

"Guys, listen!" Jasper suddenly snapped, having been trying for the past couple of minutes to get his friends to listen to his idea but no one was taking him seriously. This was a real, decent plan that wasn't short of delicious humiliation but would be highly effective if only he could say it without any more interruptions.

"What if Henry was the Playground Pooper?" Oh, yeah, he was going there.

"That's impossible. It's you," Ray countered, not letting his joke/belief that his weirdest employee was behind the dumpings. He sounded genuinely conflicted, much to Jasper's annoyance because he was trying to do something here and all he was getting was a finger pointed at him as the culprit.

"No, it's not!" He yelped, raising his volume in an attempt to get through to them, which predictably didn't work. But, they never got the chance to break out into a full debate because incredibly, miraculously, impossibly, Schwoz suddenly jumped out from the blue trash can stored in the closet, which was an unfeasible action because there was no way he could've climbed in without them seeing, so his appearance gave them all quite a scare.

"Schwoz Schwartz, you maniac! How did you get in there?!" (y/n) asked indignantly as she clutched her chest like the teens and felt Ray go loose again after he tensed up at possible danger. His arms had circled her from a protective instinct and she'd leaned back after the fright, meaning they were closely snuggled more than they had already been, thanks to Schwoz, not that they'd ever credit for giving them a reason to be pressed against each other.

"Wasn't easy," the genius bragged, looking smug at how he'd managed to spook them all, although he did fear the way Ray was glaring at him, probably because he made his fiancée with a nervous disposition jump. And yet he had a good reason for doing so. 

"I have an idea that will solve all of Henry's problems." Well, that sounded ideal.

"So do I!" 

"Clog it, Pooper! What you got, Schwoz?" And no matter how much he argued, Ray would take one of Schwoz's crazy yet awesome plans any day over Jasper's pathetic nonsense, so he had to button his lip, despite his need to share his thoughts becoming almost unbearable. Couldn't they listen to him just once? His plan was great...

"We set off a memory wave and everyone with a three-block radius has no memory of any of it...or anything else in their lives!" He suggested, describing a plan that was insane and cruel but when they thought about it, Henry and Charlotte could see the advantages. There would be a lot of eyebrows raised from how a school of trained teachers and bright students went from functioning normally to being full of brain-dead zombies. But at the end of the day, it would solve the problem, even if it wasn't very ethical.

"I mean...maybe."

"It is simple."

"Guys!"

"Yeah, but what's funny about it? Like when am I going haha?" (y/n) was understandably upset with the suggestion, being of an affectionate nature, but Ray saw something else. Despite everything, he was still trying to find the funny side of everything, looking for humour in the plan when all it needed was to be effective. That earned him a glare from his sweet girl and yet Jasper saw an opportunity because whilst his wasn't as tech-heavy as that, it would draw a few laughs.

"Ray, I love you with everything I have but do shut up!"

"Guys! I have a solution and it's really funny!" The boy exclaimed over the debate and for once, his friends fell silent and listened. He said it was funny, so Ray would be satisfied. He said it was a solution, so Henry's problems would be solved. Interesting. If it was so great, he'd just have to prove it. Time for Jasper to put his money where his mouth was.

~

Jasper's plan was in motion. As promised, and with a little encouragement from his fiancée, Ray had worked with Schwoz to move the trebuchet out of the school to give the crowd enough space to gather (because no one cared about any actual learning) and they were patiently waiting against the wall. 

They had an observatory role with Charlotte, where they got to sit back, relax and laugh at what was about to unfold and whilst the hero was a little salty considering that he didn't have a starring role, the promise of kissing and flirting with his sweet girl in the mean time sealed the deal. 

Now, Jasper was taking centre stage with his best mate, Henry, both of them standing before the audience of their fellow students and Piper, all of whom were waiting with bated breath and crossed arms to hear their great explanation. It would take some doing; convincing them otherwise and getting them to back off from Henry's private life but Jasper would do it, by god he would do it because he was buzzing about what his friend was about to confess to.

"Okay! There's been a lot of speculation today that Henry is Kid Danger!" He shouted, addressing the crowd, who didn't agree with mere "speculation". Screw speculation, they had proof that he was genuinely the sidekick, an opinion they weren't quiet about.

"He is!"

"He's not! But he does have something he wants to announce," the boy swiftly shot down any objections, affirming that Henry was not who he was because if he kept saying it, they'd start to believe it, especially when the deliciously humiliating excuse was added.

"I don't know if I can—"

"Henry Hart, everyone!" There was no time for Henry to back out now, no matter how fast his heart was beating at the thought of the social suicide he was about to commit as a few awkward claps sounded. This would ruin him, everyone would laugh behind his back, his sister would never acknowledge him again, hell, his parents might even disown him because this was gonna bring nothing but shame, shame, shame. 

However, for the sake of his job, the safety of his friends, his boss, the woman who was like a sister to him, and the safety of the entire city, he was gonna do it. He was going to swallow every shred of his pride and confess a lie to save everything.

"Thank you!" Henry smiled politely at those who bothered to clap for him, only to be taken by surprise when some kid dragged over Piper's podium from when she was checking boys for broken arms, and it could only get worse from there. 

"Oh, right, my sister's podium, glad that's here. And a microphone! Thank you, L'Orange! And a sign language interpreter, great."

"Okay, uh, I know there's a lot of speculation that due to my broken arm, I am Kid Danger," Henry started, settling into his speaking role and forcing his voice to remain as steady as possible, despite how nervous he was feeling. And for some, even the mention of that fact, the mere possibility that he could be a superhero's sidekick, beloved by all teen girls in the city looking for love, was just too unsettling. Piper. Piper was unsettled, judging by the long, loud, involuntary scream she let out before shutting her mouth again.

"But the fact of the matter is I'm not Kid Danger because..." Henry, with the sign language boy behind him following his every word, struggled to say the lie. He couldn't do it, could he? This was the most humiliating thing he'd ever done and even when Jasper put a comforting hand on his shoulder, he couldn't help but start to stutter.

"I am...well...I am the Playground Pooper."

There. He said it. It was out there and resulting in shocked gasps and tittering giggles across the hall, most of them coming from behind him where Ray and Schwoz's shoulders were shaking with (y/n) and Charlotte also biting back smiles. 

To be fair, it was a horrible thing to confess to in front of all of his schoolmates and at such a young age, the kind of incident that only happened in a nightmare but it was also the kind of thing that could be funny if it wasn't happening to you. His friends weren't affected, so they didn't feel the stigma or have flaming cheeks as he did, just the humour of the situation as people realised the implications of such a confession.

"So, you're Kid Danger and the Playground Pooper?" Melvin asked, not understanding what Henry was saying since technically, he hadn't proven that being a pooper in playgrounds meant he couldn't be a sidekick; he'd just said something highly embarrassing.

"What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no....no. I'm just...the Playground Pooper." Kill him, unalive him now, and end his misery because explaining himself was torture. 

"Okay, this is funny," Ray whispered in his sweet girl's ear, loud enough for Jasper and Charlotte to hear too and agree, but quiet enough to not raise suspicion. And despite her morals and kindness, (y/n) was inclined to agree with him because whilst she wasn't one for bullying, this was hilarious, seeing how Henry admitted to something so gross. 

It wasn't like it would scar him, he wasn't the Playground Pooper, so there were no worries, which meant she could lean back into her doofus and let his chin rest on her shoulder—perhaps allow him a few neck kisses, even if he had been an idiot with the trebuchet.

"Prove it! Prove it! Prove it! Prove it! Prove it!" The students (and Ray and Schwoz) chanted, pressuring Henry to show some substantial evidence that would back up his claims because they weren't gonna laugh until they knew it was true. Right now, he was still Kid Danger, so Henry had no choice but to turn to Jasper for the final excruciating stab to his reputation.

"As you can see," Henry started, gesturing to the PearPad being held high by Jasper that showed the SplashFace video of the latest poop attack," in this security camera footage of me...doin' what I love... It's time-stamped, which proves that the exact same time that Kid Danger—whoever he is—was getting his arm broken by Doctor Karaté...I was on the playground."

"Poopin'?" Melvin guessed because he couldn't believe this tall tale. He'd always seen Henry Hart as a sound guy, a little absent from classes, a little more popular with the ladies than he was but still kinda awkward, but not the sort who went around crapping like a cat. It didn't seem right but then again, it took some balls to confess to something like this and he'd only do that if he wasn't Kid Danger, so...

"Yes, Melvin. Thank you. I was poopin'," Henry clarified and it was enough for everyone to break out into grossed-out chuckles, murmuring about how irresponsible, disgusting, inconsiderate and weird he was for getting his kicks out of leaving little presents wherever he went. 

And whilst Henry could feel his school life nosediving, Ray and Schwoz were having the time of their lives, mocking the kid by laughing and doing the sign language for pooping, the works, much to (y/n)'s failed attempts to control them. She was laughing too much to be taken seriously, so her fists beating against her lover's chest were actually very gentle and in the end, she just gave up.

"So, obviously, I, uh, I'm not Kid Danger, okay? Please respect my privacy as I seek help during this difficult time. Thank you," and like a true professional, Henry signed off his little announcement quickly, hoping that he could crawl away to die in some dark hole where nobody could find him, but then, a call came from the student body. And it could only be one person.

"Wait! How did you break your arm then?" Melvin, of course, had to ask and suddenly, Henry had to think on the spot. He hadn't planned an answer for that, he'd just assumed that people would be too busy laughing their asses off to question him anymore, so now he was fighting to stay calm again. Something believable, something realistic, something to get them to back off.

"Yes. How did I break my arm?" Think, Hart, think! Oh, god, bad idea incoming, but it would have to do. "After I...did my thang...I slipped."

"On poop?"

"Yes, Melvin. On poop." Someone kill this kid. Someone unalive him before Henry did because he was just so damn annoying and that wasn't just Henry the entire school thought that. But, as embarrassing as that was to admit as well, the kids took it and started cringing again, but this time, there was mocking as well. It had to happen at some point, but that didn't dull the humiliation anymore, Henry was still dying on the inside.

"Henry's the Playground Pooper and he slipped on his own poop and broke his arm!" Melvin laughed as he pointed at the blond boy, who felt his annoyance spike again because even though he expected to be ridiculed, he wasn't gonna take it from that guy. Yeah, he was now the school weirdo, but he was gonna keep Melvin down at the bottom with him, no matter what. Weirdos together, right?

"No one likes you, Melvin! No one likes you!"

"No further questions," Jasper yanked him away and left the crowd to their amused chattering before Henry damaged his reputation anymore. he turned to face his friends where Ray and Schwoz were still finding the situation hilarious, although Charlotte and (y/n) were behaving much better. Sort of.

"Well, that was humiliating."

"Eh, people will have forgotten about it in a week. Whenever the next kid trips in the canteen with their lunch or when a jock hoists a nerd onto the basketball hoop by their underwear. People will forget, Hen," (y/n) comforted him, although right now, it didn't sink in much. Henry looked over his shoulder to see what felt like hundreds of pairs of eyes on him, boys sniggering, the girls he fancied whispering about him and not in a good way. This was it. His life was officially over but Captain Man and his job were safe. He just wished he could feel a bit better about that.

"I know, I know. High school doesn't last forever, right?" He offered the old saying; he'd survive this because every kid leaves school and with that, they leave their problems behind too.

"Of course. High school doesn't mean shit. When you're out in the real world, no one will care about anything that is said or done within these walls, not even if you were the prettiest cheerleader or the best guy on the football field. Popularity is a myth, don't obsess over it," she told him, knowing that he wouldn't know what she meant until his teen-hood was long behind him and having the clown behind her wasn't helping. 

They were still making fun, laughing about doodies and logs because both of them were five-year-olds and incapable of seeing how it was getting Henry down. Sure, kids would remember this and possibly tell it to their kids to make them laugh, but his life wasn't ruined, far from it.

"Yeah, but... In the Man Cave..."

"What about the Man Cave?" She didn't know how that was relevant because it was safe, right? They'd done what it had taken to keep it safe so she could work out why he was stressing about it. They worked and lived in a happy environment with nothing to worry about, so what had him looking so gaunt and pale as if he'd seen a ghost? What was making those eyes all puppy-dog? What had Henry Hart so concerned about?

"I'm never gonna live this down, am I?" He asked and for that, she had no advice. Knowing her soon-to-be husband and favourite handyman, it would definitely take a while for this joke to dissipate, unless Jasper did something cosmically hilarious in the next five seconds. 

She looked at him with sympathy because she knew it, he knew it. The boys, the girls, everyone wasn't going to let this one go for a while and Henry would just have to tolerate it, another thing to add to the pile of things he tolerated; excessive kissing, wandering hands, endless flirting, mutant experiments in the fridge, never-ending danger and a marriage that kept being talked about even though nothing seemed to be happening. 

"No. No, you're not. In fact, it will probably be still fresh and just as funny at the wedding. Hey, you could put it in your best man's speech!"

"I could put it in my what?!"

[widowshill]

something very arresting (pardon the unintentional pun) about how the early arcs rely on an inherent authority of the legal system and its enforcement as a force to be reckoned with (though non-absolute, susceptible to fault and inaction and corruption). roger’s paralyzing fear — of the manslaughter charge being brought up again, bill malloy, the perjury, etc — relies on an assumption of the coroner, of the sheriff, of the collins lawyers, of the carceral system at large as legitimate players in the game. and again with Vicki in 1795, where the justice system (once again far from an unquestioned force for good and righteousness) is still a powerful vector that threatens not only her life, but her role as narrator (separating her away from the events of the narrative, weakening her own understanding and our trust in the telling). and I just compare this with where I am now at the tail end of leviathans, where they are for the most part, self governing and pretty much enforcing their own kill-for-kill justice with little municipal oversight or interference. while the police/the jail/etc are still present, they hold a tiny fraction of their former capacity to affect character fates or motivations. barnabas burns down a shopfront and there’s not even a question of his possibly facing legal punishment for it; when philip serves a little jail time as the fall man for jeb’s murders, it’s because jeb has decided it’s so (making state punishment an apparatus of the supernatural force, rather than its own separate force, or a Christian apparatus as it was in 1795). sheriffs, detectives, all discarded somewhat easily as mild annoyances, without much repercussion. think if Patterson had been found murdered c. the early 100’s! which isn’t necessarily surprising as we shift towards the preternatural — five years wrongly convicted in prison is nothing compared to 200 years in a box, or an eternity in hell, and having a witch after you is a little more distressing than george patterson — but it intrigues me how institutionally it matters less and less (which you could also apply to the boats and the cannery and other collinsport frameworks, but that’s another post).

[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

What would be the most awkward moment for main 10 Skeletons that even their S/O would feel second hand embarrassment for

Undertale Sans - That day he had to explain five times to the police station the pun he told a police officer who didn't like his humor very much and arrested him for insulting behavior because they didn't understand the joke...

Undertale Papyrus - Clearly that time he was showing his S/O the power of net traps before walking straight into one and finds himself hanging out above ground in the net. Not his proudest moment.

Underswap Sans - That time he ran after a criminal, tripped on a brick, and fell in the middle of the road right in front of his S/O's car, while the criminal ran away. He swears he's a professional.

Underswap Papyrus - S/O caught him training how to ask them on a date, but it's a body pillow of them. Honey blushed so hard when he noticed them just standing there that he fainted to protect himself.

Underfell Sans - That day when he thought someone was insulting his S/O so he insults back, and then the poor guy gives him a confused look and asks whoever they were on the phone with to wait a second because a crazy skeleton is assaulting them for no reason lol.

Underfell Papyrus - That day he said you can never beat him in battle, so you pushed him back playfully and he fell on his butt, having not predicted that. He forbid you to mention it ever again.

Horrortale Sans - That day you said you wanted fish and he suddenly jumped in the river to catch one, not letting you finish your sentence as you obviously meant going to buy some in a supermarket.

Horrortale Papyrus - He insisted on organizing vacations because he's super good at finding cheap hotels, even on the beach. You ended up spending three weeks in a naturist camp because he missed the information lol.

Swapfell Sans - This royal ceremony where his pants cracked right at his butt but he was too stubborn to change clothes so everyone saw his butt on live TV for 3 hours.

Swapfell Papyrus - You asking him to behave during a family dinner and him walking in dog poop and putting dog poop everywhere on the white floor inside your parent's house :')

Fellswap Gold Sans - That day he realized a guy he had business with paid him with Monopoly bills but he only noticed once he got home, very happy about his acquisition. S/O had to hold their laugh so hard when his expression shifted to pure rage.

Fellswap Gold Papyrus - That time he ran screaming your name and then jumped on your back to hug you... Before realizing you're standing right next to him, confused, and that he just jumped on a perfect stranger.