#((for something I made in the like 2hrs I had before work? not bad. nice))

[disdaidal]

I can't remember the last time I've cried this hard, but I guess it was time.

So my new school is pretty much now pressuring me to find a place to train at, which is not stressful at all, because the workplace I went for an interview last week hasn't returned my calls or my email, despite the principal initially seemed genuinely interested in my application.

Thing is, I wouldn't be this stressed out at all but my new teacher made it pretty clear today that next week is gotta be the deadline for that contract - otherwise my studies really aren't going anywhere.

I also missed my doctor's appointment yesterday because I missed the train. I had to wait for that appointment for 3 fucking months, and because it's related to my financial situation (I'm really trying not to get more student debt, especially with the way how I've been and how I barely managed to keep my shit together during pandemic). Luckily I was able to talk on the phone with her and the social worker, but my new appointment was rescheduled at the end of the month. I also talked to my nurse on the phone a little after that; a nurse who I haven't seen in the last six months because all our appointments have been cancelled at the last minute. So I got a new one in September.

My sleeping schedule has been pretty much fucked up all July-August, and for the last two days that I've been going to the city and attending these classes, I've slept like 6 hours in total these two days. Both days I've come home feeling extremely drained (besides those 6 hrs in total, I napped all evening yesterday). And last night I slept something like 2 hours before school and when I finally got back by train a couple of hours ago, I tried to sleep on the train but I felt so nauseated that I thought I was gonna hurl. Needless to say, my car ride back home was all but fun.

When I finally got home and laid down in my bed for a while, I started crying. Like I know it's probably because I've literally slept like 2hrs last night and it wasn't even a deep sleep, so, think I've just had it. My body and brain couldn't take it anymore.

But when I was on the train, I was going to call the school's office (the one I went to that interview for), but naturally their calling hours had already ended at 2pm. I also thought about sending another email but like I said, I felt extremely tired and anxious; making more phone calls and sending more emails when I'm feeling this way really isn't the way I want to go again. Especially since I already tried both on Monday when they were supposed to inform me last Friday, and I haven't got any response since. Which is not very nice to be honest (my new teacher did comment it's kind of unprofessional of them, and I gotta agree a little bit there).

But seriously, the only thing that's even made my last two school days tolerable, were the other students in my class. I kind of took up smoking again (bad habit I know) because of all this stress and shit that's been going on with me lately, so at least it was an easy way to get to know some of our other students, and got to spend some time with them, so at least I didn't have deal with my worries all alone. Our Moroccoan student (whom I've talked a lot with; I got along with him already on our entrance examination on May) tried to encourage me today when we were smoking, and even said I could try and apply to the same place he works at - which is working with immigrants mostly. Since I did choose international studies as one of my optional subjects, that could also work, because sooner or late I'm gonna have to work/train at a place like that anyway.

But obviously my first and foremost goal right now is try to find a place near where I live because obviously traveling isn't cheap, and I might indeed have a couple of places around here in mind that I could ask for training opportunities.

In any case, if I don't get an answer by tomorrow (we'll have another long school day so I probably won't have any time to be making extra phone calls anywhere), I think I'm just gonna ditch this thing and start calling other places on Monday.

If this is how it's gonna be and I'm on a strict deadline here, I don't suppose there's any other choice. I'm not willing to give up just yet - though I admittedly thought of that for a moment, too. Since I've become somewhat depressed lately again, clearly, and that must have something to do with my bpd. Which is fucking *nice* because right now I'm supposed to be active and efficient so I can actually get shit done and get my studies properly started - and yet right now, I'm feeling all but that.

So I guess I'll go to another class tomorrow - we have a special day anyway as we're visiting a local museum at the end of the day, so. Maybe I can try to forgive myself for being the way I am and give this whole thing a rest until weekend. And if the teacher asks about it tomorrow as she might, I'm just gonna say I'm going try again on Monday.

Cause I really don't see any other choice right now. But again, I'm really not lying about this. I'm not feeling my best right now, and this kind of pressure and stress is not doing me any favors.

[fairelance]

.wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen I / I need more affection than you know.

Fire Emblem Multimuse featuring a Summoner based off of Kingdom Hearts: Union χ’s Player Character.

Semi-Selective, Mun is 21+

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Ocean Eyes - Part 3

A/N - Just a small update, im sorry if its bad but it was written after 2hrs sleep! 😂💕💕

It was finally Friday! I had finished my shift at the coffee shop and collected Mason from preschool. He was telling me all about his day happily chatting away as i drove us home, It was only a ten minute drive from the preschool so we were soon parking up out front.

"So what do you want for dinner tonight bud?" I asked as we walked from the car to the front door.

"Pizza!!"

"Pizza? Really?"

"Pleaseeee mom?"

"Fine!" I chuckled shaking my head at how happy he looked, the boy loved his pizza, and how could i say no to that face!

"Hey neighbours!"

I rolled my eyes and internally cursed at the voice of my next door neighbour Brian. The guy honestly creeped me out, Hannah was convinced he had a thing for me, the thought alone made my stomach turn!

"Hey Brian" i gave him tight lipped smile to be polite but carried on toward the house, i just wanted to get me and Mason inside.

"How are my favourite neighbours?"

"We're fine, thank you"

"So um...Y/N, a few of us are getting together tomorrow for a BBQ.... you and Mason should come"

"Sorry Brian, we have plans with some friends tomorrow" i lied, there was no way in hell i'd accept an invitation from him.

"Oh ok, no problem. Maybe some other time...?"

"I gotta get inside and sort out dinner, Mason's hungry. Have a nice time at your BBQ" i said quickly as i unlocked the door getting Mason inside first, i rushed in behind him huffing out a sigh of relief that i was away from Brian.

Mason was sitting down on the sofa watching a show about space and eating some fruit while i cleaned up a little in the living room and kitchen, i was running late this morning so didn't have time to do it until now. I had decided i'd order the pizza around 5pm being as Mason tended to stay up later on a Friday night. Just as i was finishing up in the kitchen my cell started ringing, i already knew it would be Hannah she called around this time most days.

"Hey"

"Hey, so im thinking we need to go out"

"Okayyyy random" i chuckled wiping down the counter and tossing the dishcloth on the side "why?"

"Because we both need to find a man!

Y/N we deserve some fun!"

"Things with Damien didnt work out i take it?"

"No, his a jackass! Come on please? Next week?? My mom already said she'd watch the boys"

"I don't know Han, you know i don't really date....i definitely don't hook up"

"But maybe you'll meet someone nice who you can get to know and eventually it could lead to something.... you dont have to hook up with anyone. We just need a girls night out, a night where we're just Y/N and Hannah and not mom"

"Can i think about it?"

"Sure! As long as your answer is YES!"

She said loudly making us both laugh.

"Fine! I'll go out if it makes you happy"

"Oh my god we're gonna have so much fun!!"

"I don't know about that! The last time we went out drinking together we were in a bar fight because you made out with some girls boyfriend!"

"Haha good times! How was i to know he had a girlfriend?"

"Your trouble Han" i shook my head thinking back at how wild she was before becoming a mom. We soon said our goodbyes and i went to join Mason on the sofa while i ordered our pizza.

Just as i was about to lock my phone once i was done i noticed the little notification on my messages indicating that i had a new message.

Unknown: Hey Y/N, its Chris.

Can we talk?

Y/N: About what??

Chris: I was hoping maybe we could talk in person....

Y/N: I don't think thats a good idea Chris.

Chris: oh.... well this is kinda awkward.... im outside

Are you fucking kidding me?!!

I said loudly in my head as i got up and went over to the window. There he was sitting in his car parked behind mine on the drive looking down at the phone in his hands, probably waiting for my reply.

"Mace? Im just going out to the car bud i wont be long okay?"

"Uh huh" he replied without even looking away from the TV.

As soon as i opened the front door Chris's car door opened and he got out quickly giving me a nervous smile.

"Thank you for coming to talk to me"

"What are you doing here Chris?" I asked as i looked through the front window making sure i could keep an eye on Mason.

"I wanted to apologise, for how i treated you, how i ended what we had.... i know i was a huge asshole. I just want you to know that im nothing like that guy anymore...."

"Thats great Chris, really. Because that guy was a careless, selfish son of a bitch"

"I know" he nodded sadly "i wish i could go back and make better choices. Take back the things i said to you.... Y/N the biggest regret of my life is that i lost you. You were my best friend.... my wife...." he shook his head "i didn't know what i had until you were gone"

"You couldn't have missed me that much" i scoffed "its taken you almost 6 years to come see me, i haven't heard from you once in all that time"

"I was ashamed of myself"

"Ok" i nodded "well thanks for coming by to clear that up but i have to go..."

"Scott told me" Chris called from behind me as i headed back inside "about Mason" he added, i froze on the spot feeling my heart start to race at hearing those words.

"He what??!" I spun around to face him with wide eyes, i was internally cursing Scott to hell!

He told Chris about Mason???

"He told me he came to see you, found out you have a son...."

"what is it with you two just showing up at my house unannounced and uninvited??"

"I knew if i asked to come see you you'd say no"

"You're right i would. It doesn't change anything just because you know about Mason"

"I know i just...." he shook his head as he searched for the right thing to say.

"You don't need to feel guilty, like you have to be here now you know, we've managed fine without you for this long"

"What?.... what do you mean by that?"

He asked taking a few steps towards me, it was at that moment i realised he didn't know Mason was his son.... shit!

"Y/N.... is Mason my son??" Chris asked as his chest heaved from how heavy he was suddenly breathing as he processed this new information.

"I thought... you... you said Scott told you all about Mason...."

As if on cue the front door opened and Mason appeared holding my ringing cell phone. I heard a gasp escape Chris's mouth as he looked down at Mason, at the little boy who was a spitting image of him.

"Mom your phone keeps ringing" he said holding my cell phone out to me.

"Thank you baby" i quickly looked to see it was my mom calling and sent it to voicemail, i'd call her later.

"You wanna come inside? I guess we need to talk" i said looking back at Chris who was stood with tears in his eyes, he nodded quickly not taking his eyes off of Mason and followed us inside.

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading

Ocean eyes: @supraveng @michelehansel @katiew1973 @denisemarieangelina @mrsjeffwittek @mery-be @marvelfansworld @cmalass @capstopavenger @fallenoutofrose @kelbabyblue @biebsmylife95 @loser-alert @traceyaudette @w3lissax (if your name is crossed out it wouldnt let me tag you 😞).

[dark-and-twisty-01]

Discussion time;

so.. when I was around 8 I believe my moms ex boyfriend was really weird with me and I had a gut feeling that something was wrong and I did try to run away but it didn't work and eventially it lwd to the point of me being hit so badly on my bum that I couldn't sit down on anything other than a pillow. This person also used to make me eat a soup that would make me gag and my mother knew about it, if I refused to eat something it would be poured over my head including my own vomit which at one point I was forced to eat. I couldn't really explain it very well to my school nurse at the time why I was in so much pain because he told me to not tell anyone so I tried not to but the pain when I tried sitting down at school was unbearable.

The only way I could explain it to my school nurse was that my bum looked like a dalmatians spots. And before I knew it I had social services around me and police it was crazy, I had to go to hospital to have photos taken and the machine was so loud that it scared me so I put my hands over my ears. I was terrified. I couldn't sleep unless I had the light on and I used to repeatedly wet the bed. I had to have a recorded chat with a police officer in a room for court not that I'd be allowed to attend which I wish I could have.

So, I had lost trust in men completely because I was petrified of it happening again so I only used to date women until I met my current boyfriend who showed me different.

Me and my mom don't get on very well as she is friends with one of my abusers and she used to chase me up the stairs and hit me repeatedly if I annoyed her. She used to lock the kitchen up so I couldn't eat and would lock me in the house so I couldn't get out. She also would lock up the living room so I couldn't watch tv. The only rooms I had access to were mine, the bathroom and her room. In the end as gross as this is I used to eat frozen food, and now I eat so fast that I have actually chipped my teeth because I never know when my next meal is. I always eat really fast even though I know I can afford to get myself something to eat even though I don't know how to cook much stuff.

So when I was 15 my moms friend asked to see me naked when I was upset about a horse who was dying of colic and I didn't know if she would survive or not. I immediately said no but I was pressured to getting my breasts out and I remember crying and he later apologised when bringing me cake. No one at school believed me, my mom didn't believe me and because she wouldn't leave the room when the police officer was there I told them I had lied. Which made me angrier to do. So I hatched a plan to catch him out which I did when I was 19 and the situation was far worse and when it all came out no one gave a shit.

When I was 17 I was depressed but I never knew I was, I would of had moments where I'd sit and cry and then I'd be okay. My teacher who was 28 at the time committed suicide and I blamed myself for it. Me and my classmates were not very nice people and I wasn't a very nice person when I was 17. We used to mess around all the time when she was trying to teach us and right before we knew she had died I remember saying to her I hate you, see you after half-term. I never hated her but she would annoy me but I never in all my life expect someone to be dead the next time we hear about them. I blamed myself to the point of self-destruction. I went to her funeral to say goodbye and then my life spiralled out of control.

I felt very suicidal and I messaged a friend about it and she told me "I don't care if you fucking kill yourself" so here I was offing myself to a whole pack of paracetamol at 17. I thought fuck my life, I've had so much shit and I've had enough. So i took the whole box of 500mg paracetamol and then went toilet as I had a urge to go to the toilet. Then I left the house and got on a bus but had no idea where I was going but needed toilet again which I thought was strange not realizing it was the overdose. I was walking around and I messaged my mom saying that I was ovbiously a disgrace and that's why she didn't love me and that's why she allowed all the abuse to happen to me including abusing me herself. I refused to tell her where I was because I wanted to die. Someone else that I was talking to was trying to tell me how good of a person I was but I didn't listen. And then I was calling and texing people telling them I'm sorry for being a horrible person or of I ever said anything horrible to them. I was a mess, a real mess.

I remember sitting down and then not gettint back up, I lost the feeling to my legs and this then set in.. fuck, I'm actually going to die. But I still didn't really care, I had a police officer texting me whilst my phone was dying and I was arguing with her, she had found my diary of how I'd spoken about my abuse and all the other crap and I told her. You're properly a man, you don't give a shit about me and you'll probably use me like they all do. Referring to my abuse as a child and when I was 15. I kept telling her to leave me alone and eventually I turned my phone off. I just wanted to die and I wanted it to hurry up. In the end I was losing my vision,

I couldn't see straight and I sat crying, I had some drunk call me a retard and a woman gave me some tissue because I was crying. But then I started to panic, I was losing control of my body and things got worse and worse. I ended up calling a friend and telling her what happened and she wanted me to go to her and I told her I couldn't. My friend and her mom rushed to me, I kept crying because I wanted to die but I also wanted my pain to stop and I couldn't make it stop. My friends mom sat behind me screaming to keep me awake whilst my friend called my mom and told her she found me and that I was in a really bad way.

No ambulance came for me, I had 3 police cars and they dragged me to the car and the second they pulled off I puked everywhere on my friends mom. Then I somewhat looked up at the police officer I was arguing with was indeed a woman and she was quite distraught from what she had read and wanted to help me. I ended up being on drips and then being sectioned in a mental institution.

I was out cold for 2hrs and woke up barely remembering my own name, I lost a lot of memory and I woke up being someone else. It was an experience that I thought I'd never do again but I was wrong. I got an Addiction to overdosing and have overdosed 7 times, I have BPD which stands for Borderline Personality Disorder and makes it worse when I'm depressed as the suicidal thoughts are a lot worse.

The last suicidal attempt was back in June last year and it was when I scared the absolute shit out of my boyfriend who blames himself. I was feeling quite depressed but I never spoke to anyone about it because I'm a type of person who holds everything in and that's what I used to do all the time. I had an allergic reaction and I was scratching my stomach and then my throat was closing up so I had to have oxygen.. I puked everywhere when the ambulance pulled off and I panicked because I couldn't breathe. When I eventually got seen by a doctor I had liver failure and had to have drips again. My liver levels were 3x over the limit. They were at 250.

Thankfully I haven't felt suicidal in a long time and I'm somewhat mentally doing okay, I try and talk to people if I feel depressed or suicidal and I always try to help other people who have been in the same situation as me. I hope to never do anything like that again because one day it could kill me. And to my current boyfriend, I'm sorry, I love you and thank you for being patient with me. You have shown me so much kindness througuout my trauma and I don't know what I'd do without you.

I hope this story has helped someone in some way.

[heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet]

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th 

Mood/anxiety = numb. 

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick. 

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO. 

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done. 

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep. 

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator. 

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship. 

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same. 

---Emotionally it hurts the same. 

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way. 

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they  could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me  buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am. 

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation. 

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate. 

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally. 

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ��

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety -  still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested. 

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way. 

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean. 

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board. 

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum. 

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far. 

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine. 

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict. 

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed. 

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings. 

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days. 

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely. 

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness". 

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room. 

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod. 

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am. 

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes. 

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok. 

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change 

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house. 

We are having a picnic social distancing style. 

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around.  But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is 

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction) 

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives. 

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball  gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant. 

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past. 

[jenniez-tv]

HIPEC surgery (warning - photos of my abdomen after surgery will be shown)

The night before surgery I was on clear liquids only.. that was hard when all my family members kept talking about food and dessert.. the stomach growl was real. Haha. I spent the night playing mahjong with my family up until I had to pack and get ready to leave the house. An all nighter. Weeee. I really didn’t care to sleep since I don’t usually sleep til the morning anyways and I would be sleeping a lot in the hospital so it was whatever.

My aunt, mom, and I leave to go to the hospital around 4am (super early). We arrive, I’m sent to preop to get ready and I am super nervous.. I realized I forgot to take my anti anxiety Med before leaving the house.. UGH. I ask the nurse if she can ask the doc to give me one while I’m waiting and she said the Anesthesologist can give me something when they are ready to wheel me to the OR. Like wtf? How is that helpful? Why would I need anxiety meds right before I go to sleep for the freaking surgery?!? I need it for the 2hrs of waiting!!! She didn’t even bother to ask! Ughhhh.. like why? She is supposed to be an advocate for me.. Was not happy with her.. then she told me to relax.. HAHA. Glad I won’t see her again. Rude.

Me waiting at preop

Anywho.. next thing I know I’m awake in PACU. I’m groggy and in pain.. and of course felt myself up all over my abdomen to make sure I didn’t get a ileostomy bag. Thank god I did not! I did have a jp drain though. The Dr said he removed the organs he planned on-the uterus, ovaries, omentum, gallbladder along with 3 small things he found in my abdomen. I have no idea where and how big they were. They don’t think they are tumors but the pathology results have not come back yet.. feels like forever waiting for results.. either way, im glad it was found and removed. (Update- the results came back benign! Negative for cancer!)

I’m moved to the ICU and get hooked up to so much equipment. I stayed in the ICU for 2.5days. I had 2 iv’s, an arterial line, Foley catheter, NG tube, JP drain and a wound vac. My throat hurt so damn bad.. every time I swallowed it hurt.. that NG tube fked up my throat. I was also a not allowed eat or drink anything for 2 days until they took it out. I could not wait! Post op day 1 was a killer for me. Just trying to sit up made me cry. They wanted me to walk down the hall while pushing the wheelchair. I literally looked like a old person who has the hump back and couldnt stand straight while walking. The poor nurses were pretty much holding my weight lol. Even helping me scoot up on the bed hurt. My family said my entire body and face was super swollen . I just pictured the scene in Willy wonka and the chocolate factory where that girl turned into a huge blueberry. 🤭 I think the most annoying part of ICU was when they kept giving me blood pressure medication and IV fluids to increase my blood pressure. I normally have low BP like 80-90/50-60 told everyone. Apparently the Med surg unit (Unit I would be at until I get discharged) doesn’t like BP’S under 90. I mean seriously, I can’t be the only one with normal low BP’s.. With all the fluids during and after surgery.. I was 15lbs heavier. Ahh! I know it’s all water weight but damn that’s a lot of water weight. They also gave me potassium and it was so uncomfortable on my veins. Anyone can tell you it hurts..even when it’s diluted. It fked up my veins where on The last night in the ICU I had to get one of my IV’s replaced because anything that went through it (even saline) hurt . It was hurting even if nothing was running.

Anyways, I get cleared and transfer up to the medsurg unit. I was actually feeling pretty good considering just having surgery. I get my NG tube removed and am allowed teeny bits of water/ice. FINALLY. My throat can now get better! By the time I transferred I was making laps around the unit. I also get my wound vac removed. It was so painful because I developed a lot of blisters on the edges of the tape from the wound vac. It looked pretty gross. (Picture below). When they removed it, all the blisters broke and they even rubbed over it pulling the skin off. Then, one of my ivs stopped working so it had to be taken out. Luckily this unit only requires one IV not two like the ICU so I didn’t need it replaced.

Picture of the blisters

Picture of my incision with the wound vac and the jp drain.

Picture of my incision and blisters after wound vac removed

The next morning is where everything went downhill. I got super nauseous and eventually threw up 900cc of bile. My temp was around 101 degrees, and eventually got up to 103. I also had other signs/symptoms that showed that I got septic to something. I had to be transferred back to the ICU. Because they were not 100% sure where the infection came from (they had 2 guesses) I got 2 antibiotics that would treat both areas. My white blood cell count also dropped dramatically to 0.98 and my anc 0.74. This means that I was very susceptible to getting more infections. People had to wear a mask when they come to my room and I had to wear one when I left the room. The good news is my fever went away pretty quickly and I started feeling better. My wbc kept going up and down... I’m hoping it keeps trending up because I cannot leave the hospital until my wbc goes up and becomes stable. EEP.

While I was back in the ICU I had to get a second iv placed.. so now I have had 4 iv’s so far not including the arterial line). I’m connected to all the machines again and it takes forever for me to get to the bathroom since they have to disconnect all the monitors and attach it to a portable one so they made me use a bedside commode instead. Bedside commode?!?! The thought is just gross. I’m peeing and pooping in a room with just a curtain blocking the view. What if someone walked in to talk to me in the middle of my session? It was so nerve wrecking. I’ve cleaned up patients bedside commodes before and it’s fine but now can say that I really understand why patients apologized all the time.

After another 2 days in the icu and being septic.. And another iv needing to be replaced bc it infiltrated.. (apparently my veins are mad weak from all the meds and chemo) (now iv #5) I am finally better to go back to the Med surg unit. I’m transferred back and it feels so nice to use abnormal bathroom again. I’m still only allowed clear fluid and honestly.. even that was hard to do. I had to drink a minimum of 800cc a day and it was a struggle. So many days of not eating and drinking screwed me up. Plus I kept having this underlying nausea that just wouldn’t go away. It turned out I had a small ileus as well- A complication that can happen from abdominal surgery.

Everyday I got blood drawn twice a day.. and lovenox which is a blood thinner to prevent blood clots. Prior to lovenox, they were giving me heparin (which is 3 times a day..). My body was full of bruises all over.

Picture of some of the bruises on my arms. I had a bunch on my thighs too..

Anywho, I’m finally allowed to eat.. and man that was more of a struggle than drinking.. I would take one or two bites and be done.. it didn’t help that the hospital food was completely disgusting.. even simple foods you think they can’t mess up on.. was just gross. I was asked by family what I felt like eating so they can bring it.. but honestly I had no appetite at all. Completely different from when I was on steroids and eating nonstop.. lol. But I tried.. hard.. to eat and drink enough. They wanted to start me on tpn which is the total nutrition through a central line.. and I was not about to have it. I gave a hard hell no.

I could barely sleep.. it just felt like my stomach was being pulled or stretched apart when I moved.. was woken up non stop for meds/ vitals.. when I was able to doze off.. my days pretty much consisted of eating, taking a couple laps around the unit, napping, and repeat. I was still getting some iv fluids to help keep me hydrated.. and of course.. another iv infiltrates.. and another iv had to get started... I had a total of 6iv’s and an arterial line.. it was utterly ridiculous.. I had no more places for ivs! And I freaking hate ivs and getting poked.. but that’s all I got during this stay.. so many I lost count.. sigh..

On and off during my stay but especially the last couple of days, I had severe lower right abdomenal pain that was sharp and jabby. I prevented me from moving at all.. it was downright horrible and worse than my incision.. no one knew what it was from but I guessed maybe the drain that was inside.. I got a ct scan done and it didn’t show anything there but the drain so I got it removed.. the pain immediately disappeared!! It was such a relief!! No pain meds helped at all.. not even the slightest.. so having that relief felt so good. The drain coming out though.. felt like so much pressure and it felt like the spot that hurt was getting pulled on. I swear that drain was stuck there or something.. it was a good amount in my stomach.. I didn’t realize how much of the drain just sat in there.. kinda gross. And yes, I watched the whole thing... hahah.

Another complication I have is that my left upper thigh is numb.. and has been numb.. it never got and still hasn’t gotten any better.. I thought it was the duramorph I got during surgery but after a week it seemed unlikely.. the dr says that it’s most likely because the retractor they used to hold my abdomen opened was pressed on my thigh nerve since I’m smaller than the average patient and dmged it from it being compressed for 8hrs.. he says it will take weeks to months for my leg to return to normal.. hopefully.. but that there is a chance it won’t.. god I hope it comes back. It feels so weird and annoying to have the top of my thigh permanently numb ...

Finally my wbc is stable and continuing to trend upward (although still low) and I’m allowed to go home.. I could not wait to see my babies (my dogs), my family, and just sleep in my own bed!!

Sorry, I know this post was all over the place... i wrote parts of it at different times.. which is why some seems present and some past tense.. and I’m honestly not in the mood to go and fix it all. I will post again how my recovery is going at home soon.

Thank you all for your love and support. ❤️

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Is it weird that I watch gay porn with straight guys fucking each other and gay transmen getting fucked too?

It's like when I watch a guy with a big, plump white or black ass, with some oil and hair on top of it....

I lowkey start thinking about fucking his ass too?

I lowkey find it strange, but then again I'm pan...

Asses look good on anyone. Even though I would never admit some objectifying shit like that in person.

It's like I immerse my clit as the dick that's getting sucked and fucked on.

Then I cancel out after I cum 🤣😇🥲

Lol like wtfff is wrong with me guys? I mean there are guys who like to get pegged, so I wonder do these women who strap on guys, think about the same thing that I do....

I feel really guilty because I keep saying idk if I'm ready to try dating another bisexual guy or another transman because of me getting heart broken by one.

But I still miss em' despite everything. It's just on and off, I hate you, I miss you....just like our relationship....

It was hot and cold with those 2 toxic mfs.😕

I just wanna have my chance to dominate a guy and get fucked rough and deep. Man or Woman and everyone else under the rainbow too.

I know most pansexuals will say that they don't have a gender preference, but I'm slowly starting to see where my eye keeps getting drawn to the most. And I think it has something to do with the people I messed with already.

I still miss them and maybe I shouldn't overthink it.

But it is disturbing how I keep swiping right on white guys and girls or even mixed chicks that look like Jay either as their nonbinary stage with light brown curly hair Upton, or their pre-trans stage with long curly hair or straight hair. It's the big cat nose, the eyes, the Eyebrows, the glasses, and of course the jawline and the lips, and the strong lip Bridge, all with a soft face, chubby, and the soft white skin and ass.

It's not that many out there that remind me of them, but I've talked to a few smart asses, just like them, that was a pretty close call for me. Cause Jay was pretty. I just want to keep all the good qualities about them, and take out all the bad, the mental trauma, the abusive behavior, and just have a nicer, quiet, less selfish version of Jay who actually smiles and not mean and cranky all the time.

I did match with one who's name was Ryan. And he had the soft round face, light brown curly hair, and the nose, and the lips. I was so freaking close we just clicked right off the bat and had sexted each other on snap. We were so freaking horny and excited. He was really enamored with my boobs in my bikini pic so I sent him those and he kept sending me his luscious pink dick. I haven't had real dick in a longgggg time like not since 2020, it was my ex, and I gave him head.

I still like strap.on too. Don't get me wrong.

But anywho Ryan's Canadian kept saying he wanted to come to America once the border opened back up to take me out to dinner and I said yeaaa I would so be into.fucking you in the bathroom, cause I love public sex. And this was before we started. I made sure to ask are you really coming or is this an online setting thing?

He said no, I really wanna give you this white dick in your mouth.

So I was even more turned on. We kept going snapping pictures. He wanted ass and titty pics. And then he sends me stuff of his dick getting harder and harder which I liked. He said he was 7 in....holy fuck. Wayyyy bigger than my ex Terrell.

But then when I sent ooh I want it on my clit, he stops answering after his last message was oh you want me to rub your clit. And then he goes I came so hard.

He left, yall....while I was still masturbating to this Wigga wtffff?

I even sent a question mark ❓like hellooo selfish ass what about me????

I check back on my phone and the snap I sent was still on delivered and it was 2hrs ago...

I see he posted a story...

I OPEN IT TO SEE HIM POST A VIDEO OF HIS FREAKING CAT JUST POSING ON HIS BED

AND THIS WAS ONE HOUR AFTER I SENT HIM MINE SHIT...

LIKE WOWWWW I HATE BEING PLAYED AND I HATE BEING IGNORED ESPECIALLY WHEN IM BUTTASS NAKED WAITING ON YOU TO TELL ME TO POKE IT OUT FOR DADDY MORE WTFFFFFFFFFFF

Rude ass, inconsiderate bitch.

So you know what, I checked to see when the Canadian border opens back up, it said August 8th.

BITCH THEY ALREADY OPENNN WITH YO LYING ASS!!! WHY EVEN LIE TO SAY YOU COMING???

WE COULD HAVE JUST HAD PHONE SEXXXX

Last message he got from me before I unfriended him on snap right after I saw red flag 1, ignoring me to post a cat video....#2 Canada border actually is open..

I said "Fine, I understand. I'll unadd you."

That's so.fucking selfish, I helped you cum, so help me finish idiot! That's exactly the shit I won't tolerate no more. Waiting on bitches to text me back when it's obvious they don't care, trying to be ms. Nice girl and give him 3 days....nooooooo

I ain't falling for that shit no more. I'm glad I unmatched his ass too right after.

Pissed me the fuck off, I started having flashbacks of when Jay and Terrell did that shit to me, ignoring texts and pushing me away, not giving a fuck about plans we both already agreed to. Blowing me off like I'm the idiot, I'm the sweet child that will always love them no matter how rude, impulsive, and impossibly disrespectful they were.

The 1st time I had phone sex with Jay, Jay cums and then I said what about me? Jay goes "just take a cold shower. I don't care if you cum"

I was so mortified at how cold, rude, selfish and disrespectful Jay was. Jay said the only person they care about Cumming is Ayunna. And this was wayyy earlier on before they actually did start caring if I came or not...but still that's shitty and poor etiquette.

Just like the real shitty version of Jay. That frugal McDooggle used me and lied to me.

He didn't give a fuck just like they didn't. It made me cry a little cause I was really looking forward to some dick with somebody that at least was chubby, white, and soft like Jay. And he had blue light eyes. I still like Jay's sandy brown eyes tho.

It just sucked....and yea you really shouldn't expect respect from an internet hoe like Ryan.

Kiss my ass Ryan, you'll never taste this ass and titties.

These H's are mine I tell you! Fuck yoooooouuuu.

I will admit, there was this girl by the name of KC, she doesn't seem as interested, but we talked on snap after matching on okc. She likes to read Stephen King books. So I asked her what are you reading now, cause I like smart girls like that. She said it's called The Stand. Talking about a virus that infects the world. It was nice to read that 1st chapter and connect with the character, Stu, who dealt with grief from his wife and mom who both had cancer. I started thinking about Grandma alot tho 😔 in not the most happy sense. The scene felt dark like as if more is to come.

I wonder did Stephen King lose somebody to cancer or was he feeling sick himself. It's got 56 chapters and I did say I would try reading it more. Thank God they had the 1st part of the book on Google preview.

I'm the type to dive in when I meet someone new. I like figuring them out. But so far, I noticed she hasn't texted me back with questions and stuff as much so she's really dry and probably still not sure what she wants rn...she said she's just going with the flow but I think it's a sign she's lonely but wants to see what's outside 1st before she leaves the safety of her world.

She works in retail too at a grocery store. So we connected a bit on that too. It's weird when I'm the more talkative one asking all the questions....thats not a good sign. Ppl who are interested in you, ask you stuff they wanna know too. And I did step back to give her chances to step in....so yea imma keep looking on tinder and okc.

[shannrussell-blog1]

Sometimes things don’t go according to plan. It happens. Be that at the hand of Mother Nature, the weather or mechanical gremlins, there are some things that just remain out of your control.

The extended forecast was unspectacularly average on this particular weekend that we decided to head out, but it wasn’t horrendous by any means. Having said that, a rainforest doesn’t get its name for a lack of rain I suppose.

Deciding to make the most of an ordinary March weekend, our convoy of 3 vehicles headed off, loaded up with gear and supplies. We rallied after work on Friday for a leisurely evening run through D’Aguilar National Park (Mount Mee section) before crossing into Bellthorpe National Park and then onto Conondale National Park.

There were a few mishaps along our trip, but it’s amazing what you can stumble upon on your adventure. 

D’Aguilar by night

As we travelled along Mt Brisbane Rd from Dayboro, it was obvious to us that the recent wet weather had impacted the area. There was dirt and debris washed onto the road, so a keen and careful eye was required when driving. We arrived at the entry to the Mount Mee section and stopped briefly to air down our tyres.

The trails through D’Aguilar National Park are well maintained touring style tracks with a couple of steeper ascents and descents. 25 PSI is probably all you need for your tyres to maintain the correct level of grip as well as comfort for your occupants.

Driving the dirt at night has never really been my thing, but it offers a unique perspective especially when driving along a familiar trail. Wildlife is generally more prevalent at night in the park, so it’s far easier to spot a few animals here or there in the stark contrast that the headlights provide.

Airing down for the evening run, through D’Aguilar national park.

Arriving at the Archer campground

With water over the culverts and light rain falling, the tracks were free of dust, which made them more grippy than slippery. We estimated it would take us around 2 hours to clear Mount Mee before rolling into the Archer camping area around 9 pm. The , swag or a hybrid of them both.

The lush surrounds of Archer Camping Area.

Beautiful Bellthorpe

Being able to roll out of bed at an inoffensive time surrounded by nature’s highlights is one of the biggest advantages of departing on a Friday afternoon.

Starting off your day with the weekend adventure already underway, really cannot be understated! We began the morning with a cup of coffee and light breakfast and then we were on our way to Bellthorpe National Park, a short 35km away.

Whilst it was overcast, any rain looked like it might hold. The cooler daytime temperatures were a nice change off the back of a typically humid South East Queensland summer.

Beautiful Bellthorpe National Park.

When we entered Bellthorpe National Park, the track climbs immediately which provided fantastic views out both windows of the neighbouring hilltops. Almost on queue, upon arriving at a beautiful pocket of rainforest, the skies opened up and a light misty rain began to fall. As trip-destroying as rain can be, there is something inherently amazing about driving through a rainforest during this type of weather.

The previously stagnating creeks begin to flow with crystal clear water, and the plant life seemed greener and livelier. Though with the rain, finding a safe passage become that little bit more difficult. Did someone say, ”adventure!”

There is just something special about clear running water.

What goes up must come down

Our descent was short and sweet to the creek below, and what a truly amazing sight it was. We could’ve been stopped along the Bloomfield track somewhere within the Daintree, but we weren’t.

We were around 2hrs from Brisbane and surrounded by dense sub-tropical rainforest. Silent admiration was the best we could collectively muster at that view.

If nothing else, a bit of rain will have the creeks flowing.

Logically, after descending into the creek bed, we had to climb back out if it – and it wasn’t pretty! Around 18 degrees of incline isn’t a lot in the dry but add about an hour of light rain to clay-based soil and it becomes something entirely different. A single unsuccessful effort was all it took to acknowledge our responsibility to the environment we were in.

There’s nothing to gain from tearing up tracks in sensitive areas of our country and only serves to paint this past time in a bad light. I paid good money for my winch and associated recovery gear, so intend to get my money’s worth using it!

Don’t be afraid to use the winch if it means preserving the tracks.

The track out of the creek bed was a 2 stage climb of about 40 metres in length. With about 25m of useable rope on each winch drum, an intermediate anchor point was rigged about halfway up with a final anchor point located at the crest.

With the hard work done, it was a simple but time-consuming process to get each vehicle safely to the top. Many see a winch as unnecessary or an over-the-top item of recovery gear. I see it as a ‘get out of jail free’ card when the weather does catch you out.

Next stop, Conondale National Park

After completing our loop of Bellthorpe National Park (albeit a few hours slower than planned) we continued north to the more popular Conondale National Park. With increasingly regular showers passing through the area, we made our way via the blacktop along Maleny-Kenilworth Road.

No less picturesque, the surrounding area of farming land to the west of Maleny is a fantastic little drive. The countryside was almost a fluorescent shade of green due to the recent rains. It is hard to not consider a “tree change” when confronted with scenery like this.

Picturesque dairy country.

Taking the short run down Booloomba Creek Road gave us an opportunity to participate in two of the more photographed South East Queensland creek crossings. It also allowed us to strategically “half” tick off the Conondale National Park from our list.

Arriving at the Charlie Mooreland Camp area

We arrived in the late afternoon at the

Charlie Mooreland camping area.

Unfortunately, further overnight showers put paid to our plans to tackle some of the Conondale National Park tracks the next day. So after rolling up the swags, it was time for us all to head home.

Conondale creek crossing.

Nice to Know

Where: D’Aguilar National Park, Bellthorpe National Park & Conondale National Park

Nearest Supplies: Despite how it might feel, you are never very far away from civilisation. Fuel and groceries can be purchased easily at the local townships in the area.

Trip Standard: It’s blacktop all the way to D’Aguilar National Park where the road becomes a graded forestry trail. Upon exiting D’Aguilar, it’s a short run on the bitumen to Bellthorpe National Park. It can be tricky in here during the rain, but when dry it’s reasonably straightforward. The terrain within Conondale National Park varies with the weather but is also generally straightforward.

Camping: Standard Queensland National Park rates of $6.15 per adult / per night.

Facilities: There are toilets at the main campsites. Firewood collection is prohibited in Queensland National Parks, so it’s BYO only.

Essentials: You’ll need to bring food, drinking water, and basic recovery gear.

Summary of the adventure

Not everything goes according to plan when it comes to Mother Nature. But, life is what you make of it in these situations. When the weather conditions are not ideal, it can provide a completely new outlook on a place you’ve been to before.

So, the lesson of this adventure is, don’t let the threat of a shower keep you indoors when there are experiences to be had!

  Have you ever attempted an ambitious 4WD trip like this? 

  The post 3 National Parks in 3 Days, 3 Hours From Brisbane appeared first on Snowys Blog.

[proofsaretalk]

rapidly barreling toward that 1k mark

The title is not what this post is about. (cw: five pages of boring navelgazing)

------

Sometimes, when I get really close to going to bed after staying up for far too long, I will say things like “What are you doing?” And I normally think about that as just my not-quite-totally-mentally-healthy ass’s way of saying “go to bed bro”

But somehow when I said it tonight the question sounded a lot more urgent. A lot more confused. A lot more like a question, in other words.

And I think best in writing.

So here are the basic facts:

I am very tired right now (4am)

I was (less) very tired about four hours ago

I intentionally chose to not go to bed four hours ago, 

After watching a really good SGDQ run.

I actually very much enjoy SGDQ runs.

But I did not spend the intervening four hours watching SGDQ runs.

Primarily because I knew I would not stay awake by doing so.

I more or less knew, when I made that decision, that I would be awake at 4am.

See 3.4.

I have been going to bed around 2-3am for the last couple days.

This schedule initiated by me staying up way too late on Sunday of last week, for reasons that were equally unreasonable but at least more familiar.

I need to be awake in 3 hours, or, at most 4 hours.

I have known for several days that I would need to be awake at 7am on Monday morning.

Less basic facts, with notably more reporting bias, probably:

The reason that I need to be awake at 7am on Monday morning is because I am going on a road trip with my dad and my roommate.

I am mostly going on this road trip because I want to spend more time with my dad.

And also because I want to signal to him that I want to spend more time with him.

Which I definitely feel like I have not, although I have had dinner with him for three nights this week; in no small part because I was in Montreal when he arrived and have not done a lick of work to help care for my grandmother while he was in town. 

In particular I don’t really care about where we’re going or what we’ll do there.

I intended to drive both ways— which I never told anyone that I was intending to do, which I suppose was good because I will certainly not do that now.

Maybe we’re approaching the actual reason I am doing this obviously stupid thing, Part I:

My main goals this summer are, in priority order

to get a fucking advisor, 

a.k.a. to work hard enough and deep enough on commutative algebra to determine whether it is a good idea to be Christine’s student, and

if so, to then decide whether I should work with Vic anyway.

to reach the 1k posts in 1k days goal with OTAM, 

which requires essentially exactly two posts per day every day for the remainder of the summer

which is, to an unbelievably strong level of consistency (like literally I do not believe it), four hours +/- 40 minutes of work.

that’s it

i fucking hate it when my family asks me “what have you been doing lately” because it’s like

I’M READING

I’M BLOGGING

THAT’S IT

Anything I do beyond this is— though it be, to some extent, necessary for keeping my sanity— something I perceive as an annoyance and do with a fair bit of guilt (which I do try to put off until after doing the thing, usually pretty successfully).

and you know what, yes, if I’m being honest, that includes spending time with my family

even though this is 110% my own damn problem and if I had locked myself in my room this week, my dad (in particular) would totally have understood

although he lives 1600 miles away, and is only here for two weeks, and his birthday is tomorrow, and I missed out on seeing him the first week because Montreal, because my dad is a pure cinnamon roll lol no but is (in particular) genuinely understanding about this stuff; the whole midwesterner guilt trip passive-aggressive thing is very much not his aesthetic

and also I really haven’t spent that much time with my family besides this week so. [ At most 3hrs/week previously ]

I have two blog posts scheduled for tomorrow and another one besides; that is, enough that I can go on the trip and wake up late on Tuesday and I won’t experience any interruptions

I was highly embarrassed that I had to miss the second Friday post this week

I spent a lot of time on Saturday working with the specific intention of having a large enough buffer to make sure that this did not happen again on Tuesday.

aka 4 blog posts

aka 12 hours of blogging, because the rate of 2hr/post only applies to the first two posts in a day, after which the evidence suggests (more on that below) that it’s a complete shitshow.

aka nothing else got done, which is relevant because

For the first time on our regularly scheduled Thursday meeting time, Christine actually gave me something to do — previously it was mostly entirely me being like “I’m reading the book, here are my questions”.

I have done essentially no work toward doing that thing.

See 3.4

See also 2.2 from the previous section.

I have never felt happy about the amount of time that I’ve been devoting to the algebra 

See 1.3.5 oh god this is becoming a labrynth isn’t it

Christine seems oblivious to this, or perhaps thinks that, since I bring it up every week, I am just trying to preempt any criticism she might make

which to be honest isn’t wrong but

I have experience with being advised by someone with fairly low expectations of me and yeah it drives me right up the fucking wall

and I am definitely keeping my eye on her essential silence w.r.t. progress

In particular, I don’t feel happy about the fact that I have been spending so much more time on the blog than on the algebra because the latter is clearly infinitely more important for my continued ability to support myself by doing the thing that makes me incredibly happy.

There are good reasons I have made this choice but I definitely expected that these would disappear after returning from Montreal

which they have, and hence my continued inability to spend time doing algebra is even more disappointing to me

despite the fact that new reasons obviously exist that are also obviously temporary since dad will leave on the 4th.

and that I also do strongly value my familial relationships and am extremely bad at showing this; and I understand that what I have chosen to do for the past week is a very shrewd calculation to maximize the number of people who have firsthand experience with my show of commitment (however obviously performative it may be)

to be clear, I do not know if it is obvious that it is performative

I do not even know if it is performative

The fact that my algebra assignment for the week came from Christine, and not from a vague sense of “you should probably finish this book”, adds a particular urgency to the task... 

...and what seems to be my inevitable failure to complete it, since I have only Tuesday and Wednesday; and Tuesday is the 4th of July so that might as well not exist, productivity-wise; and I still have to write the usual two blogposts for Wednesday so it’s not like I can cram a 14-hour session (which I have done before).

I do not know whether I am more concerned about potentially disappointing Christine or myself

(even though the former is so unlikely that it is almost certainly anxiety)

Okay that’s nice exposition but doesn’t actually explain why you’re awake at 4am (hint it’s 5am now), Part II:

When I walked out of Christine’s office on Thursday, I definitely did not think that I would be spending all of Monday, and essentially all of Friday, and a good half of Sunday, to be spent with family. (Of course, I still expected Tuesday to be shot.)

However, all of that was clarified by Friday afternoon, so I’ve had a couple days to mull on this.

I certainly did not make the decision to stay awake in hopes that I would get any work done.

In fact, if I am being honest, this was an intentional part of my thought process and I made the decision in spite of this fact.

What I did not consider is that, if I have to cancel the plans for today because I did this stupid thing, I certainly will not be able to fucking do anything tomorrow since I will have to sleep through everything. 

Dear God, the sun is rising through my window

I closed the blinds, whew

What I did end up doing over this four-hour period is mostly read career posts on math blogs, and reading PhD, with a little bit of SGDQ and a pinch of assorted internet clicking thrown in.

It is perhaps not obvious to anyone else that this has the feel of a self-care session to me.

The only thing that I could possibly have been consciously self-caring for, though, was the expenditure of energy at my dad’s birthday party today.

(Anxieties about the Christine reading only started appearing in the later phases of this period.)

And surely sleeping would have been equally good dramatically better self-care.

I definitely have a sometimes-useful tendency to want to do a single thing for as long of an uninterrupted period as possible, up to and including completely destroying my sleeping rhythm (which accounts for much of the ‘sometimes’ in ‘sometimes-useful’).

The part of me that likes to make needlessly grandiose statements and read into shit too much, is squawking about how I probably feel like I had expectations for how I would be spending my time (I did), and feel like I’ve been forced into a time-consuming alternate direction (which, again: no), and therefore making this stupid decision is a juvenile way of exercising control by breaking from what would probably be “expected” of me (i.e. fucking going to sleep before a day-long road trip)

I am currently convinced of this but also

I am even more tired than when I started writing this post and

I don’t trust my tired brain to be right about anything of this scope (based on extensive experience with incorrect sleeping decisions).

That’s all I got.

No alternate theories.

So, shit, that’s gotta mean it’s right, huh?

Lambda

Actually, continuing on the sleeping-as-control riff, I am quite experienced with (and, if I may say so, fairly good at) managing an awful sleeping cycle. Perhaps the stupid decision was not about controlling how I spend my time but rather more direct: demonstrating control in my life via crisis management w.r.t. sleeping.

This is actually a testable theory, at least in the sense that if I have something similar come up soon, I could replace “not sleeping” with “playing Starcraft”

[ it’s not perfect because I would also not be sleeping in that setting, but then the not-sleeping is a side effect rather than the actual display of control; and I think that I could (after the fact) actually distinguish between those two. ]

(and arguably, this has already been played out in prior incidents, but I am way too tired to examine whether similar issues were at play in those cases.)

And finally

I am equally concerned with the fact that this post has cost me two hours of sleeping as it has cost me two hour of algebra work,

which is to say, not at all, in either case

although I do perceive very little of value was gained by my writing it

which is a very confusing triplet of true statements, to me, at this moment.

I may have to cancel the road trip.

Perhaps this was my subconscious goal all along.

But I’ll go to sleep take a power nap and we’ll see.

If your sorry ass thinks that I’ve been writing this shit for two hours without theorizing how I could sanitize it into an OTAM post then frankly you don’t know me at all.

[twinflameshardcore]

Waiting for the solar eclipse and playing with gemstones

I’m back and I’m sorry for not writing earlier (and responding your Qs)  but there was nothing to share, I also didn’t sign in and yet I was busy with work here. I was also notified by my higher self that I’ve ‘arrived’ on Earth and I know everything what I should know to calm down, and that I should quit analyzing emotions and bizarre events but focus on my inner integrity, 'feel’ & accept everything what happens on the spiritual level between me and the TF, receive ‘messages’ from the heart to heart just like they happen, and boy, they have been very direct, beautiful and open!

The merging process continues and it’s more and more pleasant. I already can sense my twin in various parts of my body - the chest, kidneys, feet (when I put my toes together it feels as if we kissed!), knees, and specifically the right side of my head (the right brain hemisphere - masculine), the top and the forehead. My remote viewing skill improves, though I still feel like a rookie about it. I’ve experienced the most blissful merging so far when our hearts and brains/minds and chakras glued together. It lasted around 2hrs and felt as if somebody drugged me for a good reason ;) Our connection becomes more physical yet remains on a distance. The brain can’t understand it but it’s like the two distant spaces (and bodies) become one so we exist as if in the same space simultaneously. There’s just more joy of feeling each other lighter and deeper. There’s no more worrying that we have to stay apart, or that we have to communicate in spirit only, yet we have no plans to meet in person again anytime soon. The Universe will push us when it’s our time, and I surrendered to this and been living my life without a former distress. We just continue texting and calling from time to time, but there’s no demand or control issues anymore from my side. This period of time is about ‘who you want to be once you’re re-born, recall what the future version of you prepared for your present self for this timeline’. I’m an amateur artist who loves making practical things so I’m pretty sure this is the right path, but it also needs to pay off.

Recent updates briefly:

- Twin’s still struggling with money so he’s moving to a safer place and looking for a new job which will definitely help him focus on our love finally and figure out what he wants to do next, to give his natural skills some new, useful purpose. Old jobs, old systems don’t work anymore when your vibration increases. If we don’t resonate with something, we send a clear signal - ‘I do not want this, or that person to be a part of me’ and the Universe shifts things to make space in your life for something/somebody better just as you’ve requested. Monitor your thoughts then ;)

- I had two meaningful dreams/ astral experiences: I saw 2 planets overlapping each other in the East/North night sky (static but in the last phase) and a translucent plasma hanging out in the sky at the front of them, frequently pumped with some energy impulses sent from above. A day later I came across a very similar dream/experience shared by Carla Fox on her blog which shocked yet pleased me as it was a pure confirmation that certain people receive it just as it is. Read it here. Then the other dream was about seeing disturbances on a TV screen (like missing pixels) then coming outdoor and seeing a big UFO spaceship with blue lights surrounding its edge and claw-like decorations. It hanged above the roof of a house and made a sound as if of an air conditioner (no such sounds in my house, thus no influence). It covered the entire sky above me, just like in ‘The Independence Day’ movie which I’ve watched over 10 years ago, again no recent influences. They were friendly (I saw no beings, just sensed the entire spaceship) and the overall message was something like: Hello, you’ve done well, we let you see us for a moment so to assure you that we’re real, including things you’ve channeled and galactic races. We’ll’ be back’. I was so happy in the dream, so relieved, that I began clapping while other people ran outdoor to see the spaceship too. It was as if on a parallel Earth because the house was not mine but was placed in my garden, and it has been the 3rd or 4th dream about UFO in all my so far life.

So basically every day brings something new, but sleeping lately is not fun at all. I wake up at night (around 5 am, in recent years I was waking up around 2-3 am) and I’m full awake, not even knowing if I should do anything in spirit or if something is ‘repairing’ me or maybe I already act but in another dimension but I must remain awake and connected with my other ‘version’. There’s certainly some higher purpose for that sleep deprivation, specifically when the mind is not distracted by daily activities, noises etc. yet I can function during the day as if I slept really well.

I’ve been waiting patiently for things to develop on their own because the incoming solar eclipse (02/26) will be in my zodiac (Pisces/Aries, just like, I believe, in 2015) opposing the Moon in Virgo (this position also in my birth chart). The first eclipse this month was in Leo a fire sign and was related to a self-esteem. The next one will be related to becoming one with everything, empathetic, understanding an invisible, just as Pisces naturally do. This passage has a theme of ‘born in fire (masculine), reborn in water (masculine aligned with feminine)’. Leo is “I”. Pisces are ‘AM’ - ascended masters because we’ve an open connection to the Universe, (which is not fun in the 3D world at all, but becomes a major navigational skill in 5D). Thus it’s possible that we may feel as ‘I AM’ this month, ‘I am who I am, and I radiate my being outside’.  This month will also mark my angel’s awakening 1st anniversary (that was on 02/29/2016, the leap day). It’s all leading to something but it’s a mystery again - the Universe likes surprising us when we quit expecting! :)

There’s said to be some big event to happen in April, effecting TFs too. My guess: 4/4, or 4/22 as I’ve been seeing a crazy number of 44s during the last few months. There will be a peak of Lyrid meteors shower on 04/22 - if you’ve studied the galactic races, then you know Lyrans are said to be the oldest in our galaxy (while Draconians are oldest in another galaxy thus we fought). The old war may come to an end finally and we’ll perhaps unite in love ;) My twin may be a feline from Lyra (that would be also a cherub angel, not a guarantee however but I sense him that way) or a Sirian as he’s a highly telepathic & empathetic techie. However, the entire distant past issues interest me less and less as I’ve received what I had to know and it’s only up to the human to accept that knowledge because the brain is a permanent naysayer. I’ve accepted what is my ‘lineage’ and stopped verifying further.

Ascension symptoms: there’s a very strong polarization between energies which Gaia releases and those incoming from the Universe - we transmute these through our bodies. Thighs feel tense, knees may hurt, the back too. Solar plexus and back react to past slavery issues (’I decide who I am and what I want to do, not you’), to all those limitations, blockages imposed by those who didn’t want us evolve and become who we came here to be. US president is a perfect example of a catalyst as he represents the old, hated masculine energy: rude, arrogant, unfair, pushy, unempathetic, selfish etc. Trump’s like a compressor and we’re like ballons in a box, can’t squeeze anymore so we’ll burst, and he’ll and him alike suffer ;) The dying evil energy is looking for ‘donors’, manifesting itself through various events, news, strangers etc. - see a bigger picture, the source of an event, then detach, ignore, or destroy it in spirit. I lately had to spiritually cut some new ‘arm/hose’ which I found attached to my mind delivering some untruth and harmful illusions about my TF (again triggering the ego which was already taught to shut up) - I’ve felt better & fresher in the head since the ‘surgery’.

(Source)

Finally, I returned to one of my old hobbies - collecting gemstones. This time however with a fully conscious purpose as I’ve discovered they ‘speak to me’. I never thought a piece of rock could be that interactive, but I’d denied the awakening, ascension, and many more related things before I experienced them on my own ;) Some have a very direct vibration which I feel, I can read into a stone while touching it (rubbing, scratching, pressing) and 'seeing through’. This may also belong to my newly awakened skills. I mean, I don’t hear any gemstone’s talk ;) It’s more subtle. Like I’ve got a new gemstone, jasper kambaba (tumbled) and my first impression was that this stone scared me, because it was too direct, probing into my soul once touched. Kambaba has traces of algae in them so their surface looks like having a face with eyes often. Then I spent some time holding it, trusting and opening for. A knowing I received was that these stones have a consciousness of, let’s say an Earth djinn, who literately scanned me with its vibration then was willing to be given commands. It’s a protective gemstone, grounding nicely and soothing. It ‘senses’ if I’ve any blockages, weakness in my chakras at the time of scanning, then it ‘seals’ and balances these leakages.

I’ve a few favorite gemstones which I find very useful these days as evil energies try to attach to people to find donors and we need to protect ourselves. These energies are being removed from Gaia one by one but if you allow them to attach, you risk being dragged down into the low vibration and feel really bad, sick, worried, fearful, irritated, disillusional, as they distort the reality. These evil energies will try to separate you from the TF using your brain & logic, so once you’re torn and disintegrated within, you’ll be more available to be a host for such energies. Thus, a black tourmaline (rough, tumbled, or with quartz) is a must-have as it grounds strongly and aligns all chakras, a turquoise (watch for fake, painted gemstones and howlites), galena, jaspers, gypsum (selenite), black onyx (centering emotions), black/snow obsidian (grounding), jet (=gagate) and surely many more which I hadn’t tested yet. I’ve also one favourite which strongly resonates with my crown chakra and that other chakra above - a rough dumortierite gemstone which since the beginning has given me an impression that it’s not originally from Earth but maybe was brought here during some collision, billions of years ago. Very direct vibration opening my head like an arrow! Then sodalite works perfectly with my higher heart chakra. It’s a beautiful blue stone which (when polished) resembles the Earth as seen from above, with its oceans, white surf, clouds and continents. It makes a connection with the twin’s higher heart much easier, just like black/pink rodonite. Carnelian increases my blood pressure which is OK because it’s usually low, but it can be also annoying for the stomach sometime. I also love bloodstones and hematites, tiger’s/hawk’s eyes and citrines. My favourite green gemstone is rough zoisite (especially when watched and felt in a direct sunshine), they usually include rubies too.

I mean every gemstone works differently for individual people. Tumbled/polished gemstones usually generate a softer vibration than rough minerals, and sometime a rough gemstone looks and feels stronger or better than tumbled (crystals should stay rough & sharp, but gemstones for massages should be tumbled). I got an unpolished red jasper but I feel a tumbled one would let me communicate with its energy much deeper so I’m going to get one soon. If some of your chakras are already healthy, balanced and open, then you won’t benefit or even feel a vibration of a highly recommended gemstones, like amethysts. For instance, I’ve no problems with a verbal self-expression, honesty & assertiveness, thus a lapis lazuli or other blue stones don’t resonate with me at all (not every blue stone is for the throat chakra). Amethyst doesn’t do for me either because I’ve the crown chakra open and channeling well. But all other gemstones recommended for bottom chakras (yellow, orange and red), for self-esteem, digestion, root & sacral chakras, the solar plexus, those helping ground my angel here on Earth do their job perfectly :) I’ll be visiting an annual gemstones show next month and I hope to buy a few more, still missing a topaz, sapphire, kyanite, astrophilite, moldavite and a few more to work with but these are sadly expensive. Watch out for charoite though. If you want to but a charoite bead, make sure it looks like a tumbled charoite, because it’s a rare gemstone (only found in Siberia) and there are many fakes on sale.

If you decide to work with gemstones and find your favourite there are a few useful tips: - get that one which calls you, which looks to you more attractive than others, - bigger doesn’t mean better, as little single bead can resonate with you very well. Bigger gemstones are obviously more expensive and are used if you need to clear/protect a large space, the entire house, garden with many energies/people living there etc. - wear it there, where it should be according to how it resonates within your body. Wear a black tourmaline, onyx, obsidian, any other grounding stones around the lower body (in a pocket) but gemstones healing/expending the heart, 3rd eye, crown chakras etc. should be worn or placed on the upper part of the body, - left side is assigned to the feminine energy, right to the masculine, so it also makes sense to hold a gemstone in the proper hand once you feel one of your energies is imbalanced, - try to rub a stone with the edge of your finger (a part/line of skin along the nail and  both sides of the top of a finger), it feels much more joyful as most of nerves are collected there.

The most fun comes when you gather a little collection, understood gemstones meanings and feel their resonance, so then you can group some of them and sense how such a selection makes you feel, if gemstones are happy being together, or not.

One must have a hobby to survive the TF separation, then coming together, merging, alignment, own and his/her energetic imbalances, and all kinds of mysteries involved too ;) My favourite website about gemstones are this and this and this one too.

I’ll look into your Qs soon, patience pls, thanks. Enjoy the eclipse!

This post is copyrighted by the author of this blog who prefers to remain anonymous. My posts must not be used for commercial purposes of any kind. Respect my work - ask first before you copy, always include a link back to my site when you quote a part of my writing!

[itdisneymatter]

Day 10 - Magic Kingdom (II)

TLDR: Breakfast at hotel for a second shot, then pool for a bit. Headed to Disney Springs and picked up some artwork and not much else. Then finally on to Magic Kingdom to hit a few of the rides we missed the first day including Pirates, Buzz Light-year and Space Mountain. Ate monstrous turkey legs. Got lots of memory maker photos. Stayed until the 4th July (but not really the 4th of July fireworks). Spectacular!

We woke up a little later than normal and hit breakfast at the hotel and then an hour at the pool before heading out to our first stop, Disney Springs. First stop was an art shop that stocked some prints from an artist I like - Jasmine Beckett-Griffith. I picked up a 10x8 print and a set of Oracle cards, really for the artwork (though if you want a reading, hit me up :P). Kudos to Ann for letting me indulge in the weird things I like (no, not like that ;) For the past 11 days its been cards, art-y stuff and my unnatural obsession for Harley Quinn... thus far. Next a standard Starbucks stop (though they looked at me funny when I wanted no cream and sugar in my cold brew), then to browse the t-shirts in the Harley Davidson (we were here for more than just me, honest). Popped into another few shops including Marvel, before getting back on the road to head to Magic Kingdom. The 4th of July is one of the busiest days in Disney due to the holidays but a little known secret is that they do a trial run of the Independence days fireworks on the 3rd, so that's what our plan was for the rest of the day.

Before we continue, I'd like to present you with Patricks Fun Fact Of The Day, two in fact to make up for yesterday (and the first is a shark related one so quite fitting too).

Fun Fact 1: More people are killed by bees and lightning every year than are killed by sharks.

Fun Fact 2: Sporange is the only word that rhymes with orange - it means part of a fern or something (though technically it has the word orange in it so its a wee bit cheating).

Now we had to visit Lost & Found prior to heading into Magic Kingdom as Ann lost her special edition Magic Band on Saturday at Animal Kingdom. It was actually found and returned to the Lost & Found office which was at Magic Kingdoms car park - so that worked out really well. We got to the park as soon as the parade had started which was great timing (even though we seen it before), this was in main street so the kids had a much better field of view. They even got to interact and high five with a few of the Disney characters as they passed. I was too busy photographing the Disney characters to get their reactions but if we happen to do it again, when were next at Magic Kingdom, Ill definitely turn the camera the other way. I’m pretty sure Merida recognized our Celtic strips amidst the crowd and blew me a kiss, ohhhh and Elsa winked at me too, obviously I’m not looking into that meaning anything whatsoever (even though it does :P)

And then it started to rain, and wouldn't you know it, due to the fact there was only a 20% chance of rain we didn't take the bag with the rain-jackets in. Oh well, the rain wasnt actually that bad at all and we per served with it. We had Splash Mountain Fast Passed but they shut it down due to poor weather (as they do with all outdoor type rides). They do offer some alternatives so we headed to Haunted Mansion instead.

Next was a ride we hadn't seen since 2013, Pirates of The Caribbean. We'd watched all the movies prior to coming over (well except the new one out in the cinema), so we were all pretty much clued up and excited. Nice wee boat ride through various sets all based around Pirates. They had a nice waterfall at the start which had different characters like Davy Jones and Blackbeard projected on it, which was a cool effect.

Left Pirates and a guys in a Cubs fan shouted 'Mon The Hoops as he walked by (as we were all wearing our Celtic kits). In fact we got a few 'Mon The Hoops and Hail Hails over the course of the day, even from peeps not from the UK which was nice.

We were hungy by that point and there was really only one thing most of us wanted - Turkey Legs! These were like mutant turkey legs though and even wee Robert the fussy one said he wouldnt mind getting one for himself. So we made out way over to the opposite end of the park in Tomorrow Land where we knew we could get them. The trouble was, the weather also means all of the smaller stalls were closed down too - DOH! So we asked a cast member if there was anywhere else that sold them. Yes she said, Tortuga Tavern she said. And where is Tortuga Tavern I hear you ask? Why its directed opposite from Pirates - where we just came from! Trekked back over to the other side of the park and finally managed to get some, plus a cookie as Grace wasnt that hungry. These things are massive and it makes me wonder what the actual size of the turkeys where to have produced such huge legs! Im sure there's an answer (Patrick if you're reading this, can you go find out? THX ; ).

The rain had stopped by that point which meant that the Fireworks would definitely be on, there were even people settling down at a good spot at that time which was 2hrs before the show was due to start. Eek, what people would do for a photo, eh? Haha ;) Then we made our way back over to Tomorrow Land (yeah, I know, right?), after stopping to get a quick pic with a park photographer. In fact, we got quite a few photographs taken tonight using our memory maker, so here they are...

So first up in Tomorrow Land was Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin. Our third shooting game since we got here. Shoot the aliens and stop Zurg, getting points along the way. If you've been following along, you'll know how this is likely to end, but here are the scores on the doors...

Gerry:  134900

Robert: 32500 

Patrick: 29700

Ann: 29600

Gracie:  6600

Carousel Of Progress after that and although Gracie had done this before she couldn't remember it so she was asking lots of questions, which is normally a good thing but probably not when the animatronic puppets are they only other others speaking to the rest of the people on the ride! Although this is a new shiny ride, its still a really good one and gives a glimpse of how life has developed throughout the ages and to the future, which as Patrick pointed out, is mostly a reality now! Im not sure if this ride is adapted to current technological trends or if Walt Disney was spot on with forecasting the future!

And now the one Robert had been waiting for, Space mountain, the last of the big 3 mountains we had to ride this time around. It was me, Patrick and Robert on this one. This was one of Patrick’s favourites but Robert was so keen on it last time - I have a feeling he might feel a little different now. A roller coaster in the dark, and although doesn’t have any major drops, has lots of sharp (and unexpected) turns - really fun ride. I asked Robert once we finished what he thought and he said - It was easy! Haha, how times have changed.

Speedway next and the boys were tall enough to go on their own, but though it best to go in front of both in case they got over excited with the accelerator. After a few more memory maker photos which I posted above already, we got a spot to watch the trial 4th of July fireworks. It was pretty majestic and patriotic (well for Americans that is, but you cant help youself get caught up). Probably one of the best fireworks shows Ive seen even if we didnt have the best viewpoint (which was behind the castle).

We had Fast Passed Seven Dwarves but the the FP queue was LOOONG and the kids were getting really tired at that point. Headed out of the park just as another show was starting but we reaffirmed our decision to call it a day.

Now we ordered Gracie a Furbacca (Star Wars Chewbacca Furby) and we received a notification it had been delivered to the hotel (that 30 day Amazon.com Prime trial came in handy). One small problem though, the office which handles deliveries was closed until tomorrow morning, so that will be something we'll have to do first thing, which will keep Grace happy as she wont stop talking about it. Shopping day tomorrow and anticipating BIG sales and deals due to the holidays. Goodbye bank balance! :P

[cloudmonstachopper]

biiig chiimquisitor update!

With a few cameos about my warden, Cloudy (and maybe about my champion Mishka too)

Leliana says something about Briala having had a past with Celenne and Chiim is basically like DIRTY COURT GOSSIP???? TELL ME MORE shameless

When asked who to bring along, it basically went like this: I can’t NOT take Vivienne to a BALL please!! And Dorian? Oh, he’ll love it! He deserves a treat anyways, I’ve dragged him through such “dreadful” areas. And Varric! He’ll be sure to wind some fun tales from the evening.

Chiim in formal clothes was amazing. But like. Vivienne trying to wrestle them into it. Dorian dying of laughter on the couch in the background. Chiim: WHY IS THIS JUST A SEVEN FOOT LENGTH OF BLUE FABRIC. WHAT DO I DO WITH IT. IS IT TO TIE UP MY ENEMIES? Vivienne: nO INQUISITOR THAT IS YOUR SASH AND CUMBERBUND M A K E R PLS They manage to finally get Chiim into the tunic. But they weren’t having it with the pants, Chiim won the battle and got to wear thigh-high travel-worn boots with like. Kneepads. Amazing. Truly a LookTM. Chiim fashion at its finest.

Josie: Before you enter the ballroom... you EVERY WORD AND ACTION WILL BE JUDGED SO YOU’D BEST BE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR Chiim: sooo no jumping on the furniture like a goat then, I take it? Josie: *nearly has a stroke* please don’t

Empress: We look forward to watching you dance Chiim: *internally* “we look forward to watching you dance” yeah they just wanna be assholes and see how in the wooooorld someone dances with such ‘heavy monstrosities’ on their head hAVE THEY EVEN SEEN THEIR OWN HATS y’all just racist assholes what a pile of pricks Chiim: A pleasure. If you’ll excuse me *bows gracefully and scuttles away*

Chiim: So, Yvette, any FUN STORIES ABOUT JOSIE???? *nearly bouncing up and down in excitement* Yvette: oh, there was that time when we were ten- Josie: NO Yvette: or how about that time you accidentally melted- Josie: STOP Yvette: or that time you spilt sauce all over- Josie: YveTTE Yvette: she still plays with her dolls when no one’s looking!! Josie: *covering yvette’s mouth and laughing* I DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S TALKING ABOUT

Apparently full white masks were used in orlesian theater for roles with no clear gender. I mean I know they’re talking about spirits. But. I’m just saying. If Chiim had an orlesian mask, it would be a full white one.

Chiim: oh look, cullen is surrounded by ladies. Ladies: would you like a drink? a dance? Cullen: No thank you, I’m not thirsty. Chiim: and he has no idea they’re flirting with him in the SLIGHTEST. I’d best go save him.

Chiim: *wandering the balconies* an awful lot of drinks and bottles scattered around on this table for an empty balcony... hrm... I SUSPECT A MEETING HAS OCCURRED HERE it later turned out that’s where gaspard hangs out so he probs met with florianne there

Chiim: these elvhen servants are literally leaving blood tracks behind I mean seriously????? even I can tell???? I thought the game was supposed to be subtle

Dorian: *reminiscing about tevinter balls* It’s lacking only a few sacrificial slaves and some blood magic! But the night IS young Chiim: *just raises eyebrow* Dorian: ooh, but you ought to dance with me before we go Chiim: *is SO OVER IT bc still reeling from WOW ORLESIAN ASSHOLES* hm Dorian: *cajoles* Chiim: okay, m a y b e Dorian: you sure you don’t want to dance with the evil magister? it’d certainly be s h o c k i n g~ Chiim: mmm tempting Dorian: if you could find me ten silk scarves I’ve got a dance that would REALLY shock them *wink wonk* Chiim: good thing I’m a rogue and every lady is wearing twenty-seven then, I’ll be back in a jiffy ;D

Chiim: psssst dorian, distract everybody in this courtyard while I climb this terrace! Dorian: that’ll need to be quite a big distraction then, to pry everyone away from the qunari inquisitor, IN dress clothes, climbing a terrace during the great ball NOT TO MENTION providing everyone with a great view of dat ass Chiim: so? Dorian: already on it dear

Leliana’s obsession with shoes is very intelligent and I love her. In other news: !!!!!! M O R R I G A N AHHHHHH

Chiim: *is impatient and jumps on a couch to reach some incriminating papers on the table* Courtiers: ooh that inquisitor, he must have some sort of... strength to make up for his BOORISH manners *loses a point of approval* Chiim: Josie’s gonna kill me

Chiim plays the politics game, does really nice. Back at the keep everyone is like !!! wow, I was really impressed!! I didn’t know you could pull that off???? Chiim: heh, yeah, Dorian and Vivienne and Leliana coached me in niceties and playacting (and Leliana in some added ShenanigansTM) Josie: AND YOU STILL JUMPED ON THE FURNITURE Chiim: *deadpan* you can take the ox outta the qunari, but you can’t take the gOAT OUTTA THE CHIIMQUISITOR *runs* Josie: *proceeds to ream chiimquisitor out for approx. 2hr*

Florianne: do you know who can be trusted? Chiim, a person who naturally trusts almost everyone and is weak to growing attached to people: *lies through their teeth* if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s to trust no one

At the ball, and Josie’s all “ohooo! You’ll be the talk of the court for months! We should take you dancing more often!” Chiim: clearly she hasn’t heard about my furniture jumping escapades yet

“Are we going to sneak around the empress’ unmentionables NOW? haha, just how drunk are you, boss?” Varric has officially adopted the Chiimquisitor #CONFIRMED

Chiim: *hears screams for help in the next room* Chiim: *busts into next room, finds harlequin assassin about to take out an elf* Chiim: *just straight up KICKS THE HARLEQUIN OUT THE WINDOW NBD* Chiim: Are you okay? Sorry bout that, my protection instincts kicked in and I just... well. I did say they *kicked* in. Heh. Heheheheh. Varric: Andraste’s bloomers but that was a bad one

Chiim: *fucks things up and talks to morrigan and feels SLIGHTLY better bc liason but also fucked up things for the elves* Dorian: *side-eyes morrigan SO HARD as he walks in WHO IS FLIRTING WITH HIS CHIIMQUISITOR N O W GDI* Dorian: so you charmed the dowager and she wants to marry you to one of her daughters. Told her you’d already left Chiim: (oh thank god) Dorian: You can thank me later. Or now. But you look lost in thought. Something on your mind? Chiim: I fucked up, Dorian. I fucked up bad and now I’m sad but I’ve made the best of a shitty situation. *hunches in on themselves, sighs* Dorian: clearly you need to be distracted. Let’s dance? Chiim: *isn’t a dancer, is so OVER dancing, and the game, and all this shit, but... maybe it’s what they need, and they’ll give it a shot... for Dorian* Chiim: *looks up and tries a smile* I thought you’d never ask.

Chiim gets back to skyhold and IMMEDIATELY mother giselle is all up in everybody’s business and like INQUISITOR CAN I HAVE A MOMENT Chiim, internally: LET ME MOURN MY FUCKUP. LET ME MOURN IT IN PEACE. Chiim: *sighs and puts on a placating smile and tone* How can I help you, revered mother? ... Josie: yes, and we’ll take care of it LATER right now give the Chiimquisitor a BREAK Chiim: bless u, josie. b l e s s y o u

Chiim immediately bonds greatly with Morrigan, mostly over talking about her son. Chiim likes her son. Morrigan is a bit cagey about him, but also likes to talk about him. She’s a proud mother.

(Fun fact: Keiran is probs also trans because Cloudy is dfab and had babbu with Morrigan which means SHENANIGANS were at play and what I’m saying here is that Keiran takes after his trans father) (Speaking of Cloudy shenanigans, he and Zevran have a daughter. She is very cute. During the pregnancy Cloudy refused to see anyone and they disappeared off the map for about 9 months. But afterwards Cloudy comes back and is like !!!!! LOOK AT THIS SMOL!!! I MADE HER!! Zevran helped I guess WOW SHE’S SO CUTE AND GREAT AND SMART) (she grows up to be an absolute terror. Daughter of the warden commander and the leader of the antivan crows, daughter of TWO rogues, one of whom doubles as an assassin? oh pranks and things going missing FOR D A Y S ON END shenanigans never stop) (I have a lot more hcs and things about Cloudy & Zevran’s child - who has a ~mysterious~ older half-brother in keiran - but this is a chiimquisitor post so we continue with the chiimquisition) (sidebar mishka and anders don’t have any kids of their own but they totally adopt like every single child, dog, and cat that comes anywhere near them, their house is super big and always crazy and it’s fantastic; there’s also a chicken. The kids named the chicken cupcake. Main suspects for the chicken’s origin is Aunt Merrill but there have been no confirmations.)

Chiim: Will his... father, be joining us as well? Morrigan: *thinks about cloudy gallivanting off with zevran for a cure to the calling* tis... most unlikely (At that point in time, Cloudy was also experiencing the feeling of the fake calling, but was pregnant with daughter, and just blamed it on the hormones. And Zevran, of course, being neither a warden nor someone who experiences the monthly upheaval that is periods let ALONE pregnancy, just takes his word for it. Sigrun acts as their cover story, telling everyone’ they’re off investigating the calling. Totally works.) (There’s a reason Cloudy’s letter to the inquisition basically read “sounds cool but not my fight have fun I’ll vaguely support from a distance”)

Josie: so. Uh. After the events at the grand ball, apparently Florianne’s trade routes got all tied up, so they sent her over for... judgement. Chiim: Are you SERIOUS??? She’s dead! Box: *flies buzz* Josie: ...and that was the time allotted for a rebuttal. There is- forgive me. *coughs* there is... an odor. Chiim: *clears throat* WHAT FRESH LEVEL OF BULLSHITTERY Chiim: anyways I guess there’s a precedence for this so let’s just send the routes back to them aND GET RID OF THAT BOX (Chiim has clearly been spending Way Too Much time in the library with Dorian if they know about this rANDOMASS PRECEDENCE)

Chiim: I’m worried about my gardening buddy, Blackwall. Josie: Oh? Why’s that? Chiim: he took me out for drinks and then told me about how a dog was killed in his childhood and he didn’t do anything about it???? and then he got weirdly quiet and just left???? like Blackwall. What. The fuck????? Josie: that is strange Chiim: he left a letter on his rockinggriffon. I’m gonna track him down. Josie: please do. I worry about him sometimes.

(side note: if blackwall ever finishes that rockinggriffon it can be a baby shower gift for Cloudy & Zevran and their new bundle of joy heh)

Cassandra: blah blah divine I don’t know what to do but I know what i SHOULD do Chiim: hold up, if neither of you are priestesses and you can be divine, why can’t I be the divine? Cassandra: Well, you’re a man, for one. Plus I think they’re afraid of you. Chiim: Cassandra. My dear. It was a joke. I’m an atheist, tal-vashoth qunari. You couldn’t PAY me enough to be the divine.

(In all honesty though Chiim would have made for a fantastic scout, like WHO decided Chiim ought to be in charge of Politics and all these Important Things???? Cassandra why are we letting u make these decisions)

Sera: Ugh, that place. Should have thrown in some bees and slammed the door. Chiim: I dunno, seems more like a job for earwigs to me. Sera: Y E S

Chiim: *hanging out on the roof* Hey, Sera, what do you think of Dorian? Sera: You’re having it off with him, you don’t need me talking. (But I do anyway ;D) Chiim: *laughs* more than one thing is having off when I’m with him, harr harr Sera: Ew, gross! *laughs and happily bumps shoulders with Chiim*

So you know how elfroot has been lore/meta confirmed for being a recreational drug? And you know how it’s confirmed that the inquisitor has a strange obsession with it? Yeah, well only those in the inner circle know how laughable it is that Chiim indulges in the stuff: the only indulging happening here is haPPY GARDENING. heh.

Chiim: *talks to solas, mentions how much they’re torn up about briala* Solas: ... what? why do I care? oooh the elf thing, yeah, I don’t think of myself as an elf so... Chiim: I try to have a moment, why do i even try, it’s SOLAS, he’s a shitbag...

Chiim: What’s your thoughts on elvhen culture? Solas: ... ask Sera, she’s got... opinions. Chiim: I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS SERA BASHING YOU RUDEASS SHITHOLE Solas: sorry. I’m just... jealous. Sorry. Chiim: damn right.

ps when Chiim was first learning to be an assassin 100% they would stealth, sneak up behind unsuspecting companions, stab them in the ankle with a butter knife and yell “I STAB U IN THE LEG AND ABSCOND” and laugh hysterically as they run away Dorian is just standing there like “did u just poke me with your fingernail??”

Vivienne wants the heart of this wyvern, and won’t tell Chiim what for... Chiim is slightly suspicious, but is gonna do it anyways. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here like THIS BETTER NOT BE AN ANDERS BETRAYAL AGAIN DOn’T YOU DO THAT TO ME VIVIENNE

Dorian: and now you’ve got an empress eating out of your hand, makes for a perfect mental image Chiim: (dorian what are you thinking??? is this a kink thing????) Dorian: all this dancing, murder, politics, almost makes me a bit homesick Chiim: so we should do that kind of thing again? Dorian: watch as you twist an entire empire around your little finger? *bedroom voice* ABSOLUTELY. Chiim: so it.... IS a kink thing??? I don’t get it, but ok. ... Chiim: wanna makeout against this dragon statue over here? Dorian: sure, I’m down Chiim: nice

[shannrussell-blog1]

Sometimes things don’t go according to plan. It happens. Be that at the hand of Mother Nature, the weather or mechanical gremlins, there are some things that just remain out of your control.

The extended forecast was unspectacularly average on this particular weekend that we decided to head out, but it wasn’t horrendous by any means. Having said that, a rainforest doesn’t get its name for a lack of rain I suppose.

Deciding to make the most of an ordinary March weekend, our convoy of 3 vehicles headed off, loaded up with gear and supplies. We rallied after work on Friday for a leisurely evening run through D’Aguilar National Park (Mount Mee section) before crossing into Bellthorpe National Park and then onto Conondale National Park.

There were a few mishaps along our trip, but it’s amazing what you can stumble upon on your adventure. 

D’Aguilar by night

As we travelled along Mt Brisbane Rd from Dayboro, it was obvious to us that the recent wet weather had impacted the area. There was dirt and debris washed onto the road, so a keen and careful eye was required when driving. We arrived at the entry to the Mount Mee section and stopped briefly to air down our tyres.

The trails through D’Aguilar National Park are well maintained touring style tracks with a couple of steeper ascents and descents. 25 PSI is probably all you need for your tyres to maintain the correct level of grip as well as comfort for your occupants.

Driving the dirt at night has never really been my thing, but it offers a unique perspective especially when driving along a familiar trail. Wildlife is generally more prevalent at night in the park, so it’s far easier to spot a few animals here or there in the stark contrast that the headlights provide.

Airing down for the evening run, through D’Aguilar national park.

Arriving at the Archer campground

With water over the culverts and light rain falling, the tracks were free of dust, which made them more grippy than slippery. We estimated it would take us around 2 hours to clear Mount Mee before rolling into the Archer camping area around 9 pm. The , swag or a hybrid of them both.

The lush surrounds of Archer Camping Area.

Beautiful Bellthorpe

Being able to roll out of bed at an inoffensive time surrounded by nature’s highlights is one of the biggest advantages of departing on a Friday afternoon.

Starting off your day with the weekend adventure already underway, really cannot be understated! We began the morning with a cup of coffee and light breakfast and then we were on our way to Bellthorpe National Park, a short 35km away.

Whilst it was overcast, any rain looked like it might hold. The cooler daytime temperatures were a nice change off the back of a typically humid South East Queensland summer.

Beautiful Bellthorpe National Park.

When we entered Bellthorpe National Park, the track climbs immediately which provided fantastic views out both windows of the neighbouring hilltops. Almost on queue, upon arriving at a beautiful pocket of rainforest, the skies opened up and a light misty rain began to fall. As trip-destroying as rain can be, there is something inherently amazing about driving through a rainforest during this type of weather.

The previously stagnating creeks begin to flow with crystal clear water, and the plant life seemed greener and livelier. Though with the rain, finding a safe passage become that little bit more difficult. Did someone say, ”adventure!”

There is just something special about clear running water.

What goes up must come down

Our descent was short and sweet to the creek below, and what a truly amazing sight it was. We could’ve been stopped along the Bloomfield track somewhere within the Daintree, but we weren’t.

We were around 2hrs from Brisbane and surrounded by dense sub-tropical rainforest. Silent admiration was the best we could collectively muster at that view.

If nothing else, a bit of rain will have the creeks flowing.

Logically, after descending into the creek bed, we had to climb back out if it – and it wasn’t pretty! Around 18 degrees of incline isn’t a lot in the dry but add about an hour of light rain to clay-based soil and it becomes something entirely different. A single unsuccessful effort was all it took to acknowledge our responsibility to the environment we were in.

There’s nothing to gain from tearing up tracks in sensitive areas of our country and only serves to paint this past time in a bad light. I paid good money for my winch and associated recovery gear, so intend to get my money’s worth using it!

Don’t be afraid to use the winch if it means preserving the tracks.

The track out of the creek bed was a 2 stage climb of about 40 metres in length. With about 25m of useable rope on each winch drum, an intermediate anchor point was rigged about halfway up with a final anchor point located at the crest.

With the hard work done, it was a simple but time-consuming process to get each vehicle safely to the top. Many see a winch as unnecessary or an over-the-top item of recovery gear. I see it as a ‘get out of jail free’ card when the weather does catch you out.

Next stop, Conondale National Park

After completing our loop of Bellthorpe National Park (albeit a few hours slower than planned) we continued north to the more popular Conondale National Park. With increasingly regular showers passing through the area, we made our way via the blacktop along Maleny-Kenilworth Road.

No less picturesque, the surrounding area of farming land to the west of Maleny is a fantastic little drive. The countryside was almost a fluorescent shade of green due to the recent rains. It is hard to not consider a “tree change” when confronted with scenery like this.

Picturesque dairy country.

Taking the short run down Booloomba Creek Road gave us an opportunity to participate in two of the more photographed South East Queensland creek crossings. It also allowed us to strategically “half” tick off the Conondale National Park from our list.

Arriving at the Charlie Mooreland Camp area

We arrived in the late afternoon at the

Charlie Mooreland camping area.

Unfortunately, further overnight showers put paid to our plans to tackle some of the Conondale National Park tracks the next day. So after rolling up the swags, it was time for us all to head home.

Conondale creek crossing.

Nice to Know

Where: D’Aguilar National Park, Bellthorpe National Park & Conondale National Park

Nearest Supplies: Despite how it might feel, you are never very far away from civilisation. Fuel and groceries can be purchased easily at the local townships in the area.

Trip Standard: It’s blacktop all the way to D’Aguilar National Park where the road becomes a graded forestry trail. Upon exiting D’Aguilar, it’s a short run on the bitumen to Bellthorpe National Park. It can be tricky in here during the rain, but when dry it’s reasonably straightforward. The terrain within Conondale National Park varies with the weather but is also generally straightforward.

Camping: Standard Queensland National Park rates of $6.15 per adult / per night.

Facilities: There are toilets at the main campsites. Firewood collection is prohibited in Queensland National Parks, so it’s BYO only.

Essentials: You’ll need to bring food, drinking water, and basic recovery gear.

Summary of the adventure

Not everything goes according to plan when it comes to Mother Nature. But, life is what you make of it in these situations. When the weather conditions are not ideal, it can provide a completely new outlook on a place you’ve been to before.

So, the lesson of this adventure is, don’t let the threat of a shower keep you indoors when there are experiences to be had!

  Have you ever attempted an ambitious 4WD trip like this? 

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