#((and then i have to bring it upstairs
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Allure could probably trick kallamar into falling for a ligma joke and hx then proceeds to get roundhouse kicked across half the cult by an angry squid
#sydneys thoughts#“LOCK IN AMEERA” I CANT. Ill probably bring up the new printer i have and touchpad upstairs though to be a little productive. Sigh
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Opens Tumblr. Finds out that there are other fans of the cartoon you're a little bit unwell about. Finds out that all of them hate the protagonist and think she's a terrible person because despite them spending most of the series building her up as someone who cares a lot about her friends to the point of willingness to risk herself for them simply making bad decisions that she is forced to acknowledge are hurting the people around her out of desperation to not let herself or her friends Fucking Die, she did something bad and that makes her Unlikable and Evil. Closes Tumblr
#hello neighbour welcome to raven brooks#YES IT WAS FUCKED UP THAT SHE PUT NICKY IN THE BASEMENT AND THEN LEFT WITHOUT HIM#BUT ALSO. WHAT ELSE WAS THERE TO DO IN HER SHOES#if she went back for nicky maritza would've gotten away. if she had tried to bring nicky upstairs with her maritza ALSO would've gotten awa#yeah the basement was the WORST place to put him and that was totally fucked up of her#but you cannot have a discussion about that scene without also acknowledging trinity's motivations and intentions#she carried nicky and maritza out of the basement when they couldn't go on their own in search and rescue#she risked herself over and over for the safety of the town#despite how many times these people have backed down on her she still cares about them#frankly i HOPE she has to atone for the fact that that's led her to go behind their backs for 'their own good' and do things that hurt them#but it doesn't mean she's bad#it means she's flawed and her flaws are coming out in this stressful situation
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got too into the 'stay hydrated when ur sick' thing and now i have three bottles of water in my room at various levels of fullness
#its because i open a bottle when im downstairs#and end up bringing it upstairs#while also forgetting that i already have water up here
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Hey did you know that when you push around little toy trucks on hardwood flooring, it makes it sound to the person underneath those floors like the building is collapsing? Anyways in unrelated news my upstairs neighbours have a small child
#about me#in all seriousness I don't mind that much#the family is very sweet and lovely and occasionally we bring each other baked goods#and they have apologized for the fact that he sometimes has tantrums#and I'd much rather hear a small child than my former upstairs neighbours#who seemed to really enjoy sneaking up on each other and making the other scream#and occasionally got into screaming matches also#I just think it's very funny cause I never considered what the sound of toys must have been like on other people growing up lol
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anyway i just need to get through saturday (the wedding party w/ ben's fam) without a public meltdown + then things will calm down a bit. this is actually not true bc its my birthday on the 26th and then my sister comes to stay for a few days on the 27th but at least that's quieter than a 40-50 people get together. im so sad about it, i feel feral and crazed by the idea of being looked at again, i feel much worse about it than i did about the actual wedding, i think bc last year i was fresh on the starving high + this year i have not been starving myself at all and feel generally shittier
also obviously bc i was already dreading it my period started tonight so. that's great as well!! love to wear a fucking white dress in those circumstances x i told ben i would wear the dress for like half an hr then im putting on my normal clothes and that's that. and he wasnt bothered by this, i think he is having similar thoughts anyway about the whole thing except i think he is looking forward to it more bc a) he doesnt ahve an eating disorder and b) he likes his family
on the plus side my hip has been muuuch more reliable lately, the last few times ive done the walk to and from town it's been achy by the end of it but not at all going into the spasms of agony it did basically every time i tried to walk anywhere longer than half an hr (and sometimes less if it was a bad day)
also not sure i even mentioned this here but a bunch of intl friends are coming 2 worcester late sept to hang out, first time since the wedding for the americans (and the german) and it is gonna be really nice to see them :) obviously im anxious about it bc of my irritating nature but how amazing that we have a group of people who are literally flying across the world to hang out with us for a week. that is really lovely and worth celebrating. trying to be ok about the fact i havent lost any more weight since the wedding and just being like. normal about seeing my friends who dont care how much i weigh
oh also. one more thing, my mum said to me "do you know who met for the first time at [location of wedding party]?" and i immediately felt that i DID know and was like - not daddy's parents?? and she was like i knew you inherited my Psychic Abilities :) but it was them - which is a bit funny. i hope their rancid vibes have cleared out by now bc they were bad people lol
#btw when i say “he likes his family”#im not meaning that i dont#but that i have literally never met most of these people#its various random uncles etc#also im a bit nervous about my parents visiting when they drop my sister off bc they will bring the dog#who is lovely except he hates cats and tries to kill them on sight#now OBVIOUSLY i will not let him anywhere near tink + will have her shut away in an upstairs room for the brief time he's in the vicinity#but it's just a stressful thought#and also obviously tehy dont have keys so they wont be able to get into the house without tink being safely put away anyway
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#we have now had this puppy for two weeks and she’s for sure here to stay#she’s warmed up to our family so well it’s adorable#the only thing is that I didn’t really grow up around dogs so I’m learning a lot about them#and it really is a lot closer to bringing a baby home than a cat#I don’t mind it at all- I’m her chosen person and it’s very sweet- I just wasn’t expecting her bedtime routine to be so many steps 😅#beyond the basic care tasks my cats monitor themselves and ask for attention when they see fit#meanwhile I’m breaking the rules and allowing the puppy upstairs during one kids bedtime so the puppy doesn’t cry so much downstairs#she hates being by herself and she’s scared of the dark 🥺#i love her very much#I’m also very tired#she sleeps like a baby#in that she mostly naps 😅
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i hate living in america lol
#gun tw#just the fact that i have to be scared that maybe one of my classmates could bring in an automatic weapon and attack us bc he doesn’t like#the professor??? like#found out that he’s been writing profane things in his notebook#i’m super scared about going to class tomorrow actually#whatever it was that he wrote was so bad that when the professor saw it it startled him so bad that he was#Looking down hallways and shit as we were headed upstairs for office hours#anyway if this needs any more trigger warnings pls reach out (nicely?) and i’ll add them!!!#i’m just super anxious now
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still didnt find my stupid towels But i did buy another switch adapter so i can finally charge/use it
#still Very mad ab my towels bc they HAVE to be SOMEWHEREbc we KNOW WE PACKED THEM!!!!#i just dont know Where bc ive checked every box so. hopefully theyll show up but im just annoyed bc i wanted to wash them today to put them#on the oven handle tonight!!!!! i want an aesthetic!!!!!!!#anyway. 3 loads of laundry today UGH but hopefully it wont be as bad next week bc this was new towels week And a bunch of extra#shit my bf put in. so hopefully less next week#fuck i gotta take that shelving unit upstairs too. UGH!#who wants to come help me bring stuff up 😭😭#talk tag
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Google search how to train a cat out of running around the house with socks and leaving them fucking everywhere!!!
#i know its cute and shes trying to bring me food or whatever#but oh my god when im already feeling stressy about clutter and then i have to pick up like#7 socks on my way upstairs it is fucking annoying
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((what is everyone's least favorite chore mine is laundry
#ooc#((like... its just so energy intensive#((like my laundry room is in the basement so i have to lug my laundry downstairs#((and don't get me started on actually putting it into the washing machine#((and then i have to bring it upstairs#((and then i have to fold it#((drains my energy like nothing else#((i actually don't mind dishes too much as long as the sink is clean (if its gross i won't do it lmao)#((i have mixed feelings on vacuuming... it is satisfying but. loud noise is sensory bad :(#((if i wear my earbuds its at least tolerable. and its much easier on my back than sweeping
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I'm out of the hospital, turns out I have some kind of emotional trauma that's making my body try to suffocate itself, honestly same but what a bitch way to do it. Making it so I can barely breathe but I still have 99% oxygen and my vitals are good. Fuckin' hell dude. Anyways wish me luck in figuring that out, didn't make a lot of progress crying in the parking lol at 4am while waiting for an Uber after the news that my mind and body have disconnected or something, but check the bracelet swag
Nice
#hell yeah#im going to explode#literally i was so chill#i do get stressed at work but i love my job#i had a really bad dating experience the month before but that's not it i think#i was waiting for my uber home while still suffocating and some random dude started playing music#i have no idea what the lyrics were#i dont even think it was English#but i was thinking about how frustrated i was and i felt my face get wet#just uncontrollable tears#4 minutes straight of crying#head looking up and wiping away every few seconds#paused so my driver didn't see me sobing but they did here me sniffing and trying yo breathe. not the best look#got upstairs and home#picked up a back of nerd candy and i fell apart#ive been chill for atleast a week#yeah i couldn't breathe but nothing came up#alll of this to say...#it was April 2nd#and unless my bodys a prankster#the only other thing from today was the end of the boop#i miss the boop so much#not it but holy shit it brings a little silly smile#boop
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I'm fatigued, my back hurts, I accidentally spent like 3 hours sat downstairs in a chair that made our back feel worse because our executive dysfunction prevented me getting up and going back upstairs even though I only went down there to get one thing, and now I really need to lay down but if I accidentally fall asleep again I feel like I'll wake up, realise I fell asleep and also that I feel like I wasted a big chunk of the day, and I'll end up feeling even worse again
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#posts made on pain meds#I went downstairs to get food but ended up having to wait longer than anticipated which is whatever#but then that meant I ended up sitting down and once we sit down it's like our brain stops being able to process that we can leave#I'll sit there the whole time going ''I need to get up and go back upstairs. I don't want to be sat here'' and just can't get up#I hate that this happens because while I know our executive dysfunction isn't our fault#and it's the exact same issue that stops us eating or drinking or going to the toilet or whatever when we need to#I still feel like I should be able to just get up and do the thing and just leave if I'm in a situation that I don't want to be in#and it's so hard to get other people to understand that I can't ''just leave'' because my brain just won't let that happen#like I want to but my brain won't register it as an actual thing I can do and it feels more like a weird abstract concept#than a thing I could actually do. it's like my brain can't connect the concept of the action to the act of doing it#and then I get frustrated because why can't I just do the thing that I know I should be able to do#and then I've spent hours not doing anything I meant to and mostly just feel like shit because of it and it keeps happening#and now I need to lay down and I know what's likely to happen if I do that#but I do need to listen to my body especially after getting stuck in a situation that makes our pain and fatigue worse#also we had to take pain meds earlier and that's definitely not helping with us feeling shit emotionally about all this#I hate having to navigate our brain and body just not functioning properly#I feel like we've had so little energy lately and it's reminding me too much of this time last year when we had that blood infection#I'm terrified of that happening again because we almost didn't get treatment because we started to assume it was just our new baseline#hmm apparently within like 5 minutes we've gone from ''ugh I wasted 3 hours'' to almost crying over medical trauma#I probably need to try and do something to calm us down but also I'm too tired to really do anything#which brings me right back to the issue that triggered this whole rant and me getting upset in the first place
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Probably grocery shopping today 👍 got an hour of work done which wasn’t actually a lot but it’s still progress at least
#ramblings#I feel like. most of this is just getting the colors somewhat correct#which is. difficult#anyway I have a new nail color I want that’s a couple shades off from my current blue#I am also Not Here. but nothing I can do about it just pushing through#contemplating bringing my laptop upstairs so I can watch a movie instead of just playing music#so I have like a distraction from my brain
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Just my luck to indirectly flood the laundry room again RIGHT BEFORE IM SUPPOSED TO MOVE!!
#I had dishes in the laundry sink that were soaking overnight#I live in a basement#and have never had access to the dishwasher or kitchen upstairs#where my landlady lives#so I’ve always had to handwash everything#and so I left those dishes overnight#intending to get to them today#my first free day since signing the lease on my new place#where I didn’t have work#and so I’m about to bring a load of stuff to my car#and the laundry room floor is covered in an inch of water#someone did laundry not realizing my dishes were still in the sink#not realizing they were covering the drain#the sink over flowed with water draining out of the washing machine#and flooded the floor#I hate this so much#luckily it was taken care of relatively quickly#I can still move things through it#but geez it severely halted my progress#and my brother comes to pick up the U-Haul I rented in 20 minutes#pray for me and this mess#I just wanna get out of there
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honestly the only thing that worries me about getting sex reassignment surgeries is the fact that i dont know anyone who could be here to bathe and help me eat and watch over me and take care of the cats, etc while i recover from them
#the only one i could think of is maybe my dad but i dont know how long for#i would have to like do more research about this stuff#but even for just like ... getting my wisdom teeth pulled .. i didnt have anyone who could drive me there and back and it was 2 minutes awa#i couldnt walk home after the surgery because i would have to cross two highways walking. like....#and i sadly like .. BEGGED the office staff like ''can anyone just .. drop me off after the surgery i live a spit away from you''#and they were like ''... you KNOW this is unprecedented right .. you have nobody who can drive you ..? we never had this happen before#and that the point was so that someone could watch over me a little bit while i was recovering and high from the pain medicine#and to help feed me and stuff and get me soft food#i had to beg my roommate who i had an active falling out with to like. help me a little. and they did and drove me. but not really help#i think about moving away from TX because of this but the truth is i dont really have this kind of thing anywhere i would move to#if anything i would have LESS people where ever i moved to. and to get situated again. find another job. find another doctor. another vet.#something i still think about was i ordered groceries while i was recovering from oral surgery because .. i couldnt drive and shop for them#and the person delivering them WAITED for me to open the door to confirm yes im getting them#(i wrote in the note like ''thank you im recovering from oral surgery dont replace items with things with seeds in them#or anything more acidic replacement item. i cant have it'')#and they looked so sad looking at me like my face swollen answering the door ''do you need me to help you carry them up...''#but i did say no and that i could bring them upstairs but thank you. but it was a kind thing i still think about. i somtimes wish i said ye#and they waited for me. they waited for me to come answer the door and verify yes i got them and did i need help with them.#they looked so sad looking at me. i wonder what i looked like
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once again feeling mildly shitty on a day of celebrating my birthday
#because its fine when my brother asks people to not do things because hes had a seizure and naturally feels shit after it#but when i ask him to not do z because it causes me to tic painfully i am being unreasonable#and also mom HAS to bring up the fact that oh the neighbour doesnt get any friends to visit for her birthday so she may be autistic#which like i know i dont have any irls but you bringing it up will only make me feel like shit#and how am i supposed to make any irl friend when i don't have work nkw and whne I do get work there prolly wont be much kids my age workin#and i do not go to the sports anymore because dysphoria#and there arent any other clubs here i wanna sign up for#i dont think texting my friends who aslo graduated months after is such a good idea because most of them are also in school now and they ha#vent once texted me after#just ugh let me be and have a fun birthday for once#and my brother has to play that game which makes so much noise and makws me not want to sit downstairs and instead be all alone upstairs
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