#((also something weird happened and I deleted the original due to testing stuff BUT!!!

[mythicamagic]

Ulquihime Week: Day 6 (chapter two)

@ulquihimeweek

Pairing: Ulquiorra/Orihime (UlquiHime) fanfic, Chapter One: Here. 

Rated M  

Summary: Orihime has an imaginary friend, who happens to be a terrifying creature living in the woods behind her summer home.

Due to tumblr restrictions, this might be deleted, so know that you can also read this fic here: on Ao3 or Fanfiction.net

For Ulquihime Week 2019 Day 6: Possession 

Eldritch: Chapter Two

Warning: Smut

Living with Orihime felt extremely alien and uncomfortable at first. He wasn't used to the hardwood floors that made the long claw-like nails of his toes scratch and drag on the surface, the plush bedding he sank a good two-feet into, the stifling warmth of a heater. His wings were entirely too large and cumbersome in the small apartment no matter how neatly he folded them.

One morning Orihime gasped and caught a lamp before it hit the ground- knocked over by a long tail. Again. He glanced at her and coiled it closer to himself, awkwardly perched on a barstool at her kitchen counter.

"Look at you. I really gave you random features when I was a kid, huh?" She sighed. "I'm sorry, they must be uncomfortable."

"You asked me to get the features you desired and I obeyed," he muttered, sipping some water. His claws clicked on the glass, dragging and leaving faint scratches as he adjusted his bent knees. "Since I'd received sight and other useful things from you, I had no grievance with changing my appearance. It's inconsequential."

Orihime righted the lamp and bit her lip, wandering closer and brushing a gentle hand over the black feathers on his back. Lean muscle tensed. Every nerve ending pricked and burned, anticipating her touch on his bare skin. It never came.

"Do you dislike it?" Escaped him.

She twined some lengthy wisps of fur that mingled with the softness of the feathers around her fingers, smiling nostalgically. "No, you're still mine, silly. It's kinda like looking at a drawing I made when I was younger."

Bitterness rose in his throat, clogging like mud- even as his body flared alive with her admission of ownership. "Yes," he muttered. I am yours. "You seem unexpectedly fine with talking to a 'childhood drawing.' Most humans don't exhibit this kind of behaviour."

He'd tried and failed to keep the hiss out of his words, the sting of being referred to as a figment of her imagination.

Orihime pried out a few leaves that had tangled in the dark fur, brushing out some dried dirt. "It's just like I told you, I've always been bullied for being a little strange," she giggled. "Daydreaming too much, eating weird things, thinking about stuff differently from other people. They mistook me...and thought I saw myself as better than them for not fitting in. I don't know why," the gentle note to her voice became quieter. "Just shows I haven't changed after all this time if I'm still talking to and seeing you. I mean most people would probably be fine with their brother's death after so many years."

He wasn't entirely sure how grief worked but did not know enough about the subject to object. His body stiffened and sighed as she touched a leathery wing. "Anyway, not to change the subject but I think you need a shower, mister."

Ulquiorra blinked slowly.

----

That was how he found himself being playfully shoved into a shower cubical. Orihime turned on the water, which hit the expanse of his back at full blast. He made a noise of surprise, claws reaching out and dragging over her waist and slicing the material of her nightgown. She merely laughed and tried to bar his escape from the cramped space by blocking the exit, "just calm down~ I promise it won't hurt you!" She giggled, gasping as the water soaked her as well.

He grit his teeth. Realising he was acting childishly to the unfamiliar situation, he held himself rigidly still.

Reaching for the shampoo, Orihime lathered her hands and worked slim fingers through his hair. Ulquiorra stared, watching as the material of her blue clothing became sodden, leaving it fairly see-through. It showed the suggestion of skin laying just beneath, the shape of her full breasts as the material clung to her, rose-pink nipples hardening slightly.

"Close your eyes."

Ulquiorra flicked his curious gaze up, but she was merely smiling, having not noticed. "The shampoo will sting if it gets in them."

And then he realised; she was not looking at him as a man. It made sense, since to Orihime he was not real. If she were attracted to him she'd never be able to bathe him so thoughtlessly. Intense green eyes slid shut, tail sliding to wrap around her leg. A security measure to prevent her escape.

As soft palms slid over his fur, wings and arms, washing the splashes of dirt away, Ulquiorra sensed reluctance the second her hands met his chest. "You didn't have this before," she murmured, voice barely heard over the sound of the spray. His eyes cracked open, breath hissing out of mismatched lips. Her fingers glided around the hollow hole.

Heat hooked low in his stomach. "No, I did not," he thought for a moment. "But it's always been there, beneath the surface."

Orihime's brows drew together, "I really should have given you a heart. This is just cruel."

She continued bathing him, her body occasionally pressing and dragging lightly, torturously against his. Ulquiorra didn't know why his gut kept tightening but something was happening to him. It was like he'd flown for miles in a single few seconds, limbs burning, breath quickening.

"Maybe you could get a heart," she was musing. "Like a pig's one. They're meant to be similar to a humans. Oh! Dummy," she knocked her head with her fist. "You could get a heart from the hospital. There are organ donors, that's a thing."

"You told me never to steal," he pointed out, panting a little. Sweat on his brow mingled with the water running down his chin and brow. It was becoming difficult to think of anything else but pulling her body closer and moving against it. For some reason he wanted to taste her.

Orihime was biting her lip in that maddening way- and he drew closer, leaning down until they were nose to nose. "And I do not want just anyone's heart."

Her cheeks reddened, lush body stiffening against his. Those captivating eyes widened, roving over his face questioningly.

Good, he thought. Look at me.

Orihime broke the moment by giggling a touch nervously, patting his arm. "I-um...better leave you to it. You've got the hang of things now and I need to dry off if I'm going to make it on time for school."

The thin tail shifted and tightened around her leg, holding her in place. Ulquiorra stared, catching the moment she noticed.

"Let go, Ulquiorra." Her voice was soft.

Reluctantly, he obeyed, watching as she eased away and flashed a smile that said she'd already forgiven his slip.

Ulquiorra felt the cold attack his skin much more brutally than any rainstorm or blizzard he'd experienced before. That same hunger returned, causing him to place a hand over the gaping emptiness in his chest.

----

During the hours that she went to school, Ulquiorra couldn't help his curious mind. He opened draws, tested light switches, read the food magazines she'd stored, brushed up on sex education and puberty, learned how some electrical appliances worked, watched documentaries, found her diary and a stash of chocolate hidden under the bed- took a bite- and decided chocolate tasted too sweet.

The evenings were his preferred time of day. He wasn't sure why.

Orihime always came home in the late afternoon and would teach him new things he'd overlooked about the human world. Namely, hobbies. Video games, board games, painting, cooking, sculpting.

Sometimes he could hear her speak with school mates outside the door. When they questioned why she was suddenly being so secretive about her apartment, Orihime would deflect or say renovations were being done.

Ulquiorra's lips twitched at the corners.

One day, his curiosity prompted him to lean down and peer through the blinds of the apartment. The window looked down onto the street, sunset bathing everything in warm colours, including Orihime as she stood talking to her friends.

There was a girl with short dark hair who looked like an athletic type. The other, a young man. He stood tall and slightly lanky, with light orange hair. His expression told Ulquiorra that he was complaining about something. None the less, Orihime laughed, a blush colouring her cheeks.

Something pricked in the depths of his chest. His hollow hole thrummed, the edges biting. He grunted, touching it lightly. It had never done that before.

When Orihime returned and she called out her standard 'I'm home!' Ulquiorra met her eyes. Whatever she saw on his face had her instantly quieting, the happiness fleeing to be replaced with worry.

The creature blinked and wiped his expression clean, ensuring it was blank.

"Welcome back."

----

Ulquiorra learned what the young man was called, and it was the very name that Orihime had filled her diary with.

"...Do you desire Ichigo Kurosaki's heart?" He asked randomly during supper. Her cheeks bloomed with that same colour which churned the blood in his veins. She stuttered and waved her hands, laughing it off.

Ulquiorra glanced away, moodily continuing to eat the pickles in custard she'd prepared.

----

When night fell he would fly out into the world, trying to find answers.

There were sometimes different pressures in the air. Sensations fleeting in the sky like if he just let something click inside him- he'd be able to pierce the veil between the human world and the unknown beyond. Since he was neither human nor animal, he wondered if he were originally from such a place. If, perhaps...he was supposed to belong there.

Ulquiorra didn't understand why he hesitated. It would surely provide answers, possibly about death, resurrection and Orihime's brother.

When the hours crawled towards morning he'd return to her.

Orihime lay on her side in a sprawl of limbs, firey strands of hair dishevelled and splayed around her pillow in loose spirals. Her lips were slightly pursed, a small snore occasionally disturbing the quiet, the covers thrown back from her habit of kicking them off in the night. It left the contours of her figure exposed to his assessing gaze.

Ulquiorra swallowed, wondering why his mouth had filled with saliva.

Tonight she'd worn a loose tank top and shorts, which had ridden up on her thighs, the curve of her ass and exposed stomach causing a similar sensation he'd felt while in the shower. Arousal, most likely, from what that book had described.

Because of what he'd read about human behaviour, Ulquiorra was aware of how inappropriate it was to watch her sleep. Others would find his fascination frightening, creepy. He didn't care. He only desired to know what Orihime's reaction would be, as she was the only human who mattered to him.

The matress quietly groaned under his weight as the creature knelt onto the covers, crawling up the bed. He braced himself over the sleeping woman, staring with unblinking eyes. Despite what he knew about humans, reading about them, about touch, lust, sex...all of it was cold. Facts and figures.

Being so close to Orihime was warm. Images began to invade his thoughts, of his tongue gliding over her skin, nails dragging, cutting that ripe flesh open to lick and suck at her wounds and blood. Maybe bite down with the blunt, adult teeth she'd blessed him with. The fine hairs at the end of his tail glided up her thigh, tracing the shape.

And if...if she touched him in return, it would undo whatever control he had and spout lightning into his nerve endings. Just to see her looking up at him with want and open desire-

Instincts hazed, gut tightening as he heard a soft noise that caused his cock to stir.

Green eyes immediately located the tears sliding down her cheeks. Though she remained asleep beneath him, the woman trembled. Her lips pressed together, wobbling, more sounds escaping.

"S-Sora..." she sobbed, turning her face into the pillow.

Ulquiorra watched silently. He then achingly, carefully drew away from her, grasping the covers and lifting them to settle over her shoulders.

The creature then escaped into the vast reaches of the night, plunging himself through the resistance of the world and falling into an unknown one full of white sands, dead trees, and a crescent moon hanging in the sky.

---

"I found him," he said the next evening.

Orihime looked up from her cup of hot chocolate, eyes refocusing from her clouded thoughts. She did that sometimes, slipped away somewhere he couldn't follow. Slowly, the words registered, and life was breathed into her features once more.

"You have?" She whispered, voice thin.

He glanced away, discontentment churning. "He is not the same person you once knew."

"I don't care," she stood from her chair, gaze bright. "Oh Ulquiorra," she breathed, hurrying to him and taking his hand prisoner within her own. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

Green eyes slid back to her as though they loathed to look away too long. "Why is it so important that you see him?"

Orihime bowed her head, glancing at Sora's picture. She'd explained before that the display in her home was a shrine to her brother, one that she prayed to every day.

She then raised her hand and touched the blue hairpin's securely clipped into her locks. "We had an argument the day he died...about these. I keep feeling like he got into the car accident because he was distracted. And no matter how much I pray and try to assure him not to worry about me, I feel guilty. Like I can't move on. Or maybe something won't let me. Hehe, maybe I won't let myself~" she giggled in the light, nervous way she usually did to try and dispell sombre moods.

"And you feel that if you speak with him, you will move on?" He struck into the heart of the matter, undeterred by her attitude.

"I-I don't know," she murmured. "He did so much for me. Raised me as his own since he was 18. I repaid him by being a brat on his last day alive."

Ulquiorra shifted, fingers twitching. Slowly, they curled around her own. "He is called Acidwire now."

"Acid...wire..." the name sounded cold and cruel, completely at odds with the vision of her brother.

"I'm not human, therefore I can't say what is best for you. Your desire to see him is most likely misguided and will shatter the idea that you have of your sibling. Do you still want to go?" He asked, not curbing his acerbic tongue. Ulquiorra theorised that was exactly what would happen, but she raised her head, taking him by surprise.

Her eyes were hard as flint. It was a rare thing to see Orihime glare. "If he's different, then that just means I'll have to adapt and accept it. Nothing changes the fact that it's him. I don't care if he's not human, I'll still love him."

The gears in his mind rusted, stilling. His entire being felt anchored to the blazing passion he gazed into. Ulquiorra inclined his head, grabbing her close.

Orihime squeaked, holding on around his shoulders as black fur glided under her thighs, his arms supporting her. He then walked briskly to the window and squeezed out of it with her- leaping into the air.

A cry sounded out as she gripped him hard, and Ulquiorra felt frustrated with the subsequent leap in his gut. Large wings flapped and took them higher into the sky, the wind lashing at their hair and mixing charcoal black with fiery orange locks.

---

As stated, Sora had changed. However, the full scope of how much he'd changed could have been better detailed.

The...being towered above her in size. Orihime stared up at it with wide eyes, breath catching in her throat. A bone-white mask hid its facial features, dark hair framing the ghoulish face. It's more human-like red arms and torso disappeared into a snake body, supporting itself upright by coiling its tail behind it.

Those red eyes were the most jarring, filled with no light or hope, much like the sands and bleak landscape surrounding them. Every fibre of her being screamed at her to run, to leave the terrible, desolate place that gave an odour of death.

Setting her shoulders, Orihime stepped away from Ulquiorra's side, brows pulling together. "Brother?" She said gently.

Acidwire made a low, guttural noise. Dark locks hung forward as he bent over her, teeth glistening.

"It's me, Orihime. Do you remember?"

Her grey gaze roved over his face as his shadow swallowed her.

"...Ori...hime?"

She felt small before him but took another step. Her childhood ability to look past imperfections and create something friendly reared its head, and Orihime found herself smiling despite the situation, filling up with happiness.

The creature's jaws pried open- lunging down toward her.

Orihime gasped, a loud thudding sound filled her ears, sand kicking up into her face. The sound of bone cracking soon followed. Realising that she was unharmed, she shakily pried her eyes open, coughing, the sand caught in her hair and lashes. A strangled noise chocked her throat the second her mind registered the figures before her.

Ulquiorra stood between them, hands gripping Acidwire's upper and lower jaws as they bore down upon him. Her friend's foot was planted in the ground, no sign of strain on his face as he looked up into the second pair of teeth within the pitch-black mouth.

"...Trash," he muttered lowly.

"Ulquiorra!" She quickly moved out of the way, eyes wide. This wasn't going anything like she'd imagined, and if this was all in her head why was Sora- why had he tried to hurt her?

To her surprise, Ulquiorra grunted, shifting his stance and lifting the snake-like creature's jaws back over his head- before tossing its large body into the air. The creature sailed away, landing a good distance away in the white dunes. A distant thud could be heard, followed by a roar of outrage.

Black wings unfolded, tail swishing with agitation. Orihime grasped his arm suddenly. "Why...did he try to hurt us?" She murmured.

"I told you he was changed," was his dispassionate response, features cold and blank as ever. Except for those eyes. They burned with a colour more vibrant than she could recall seeing before, leaking into something new. "He's...like me now."

Orihime's heart lurched and she gripped tighter. "You're nothing alike!" Her voice became sharp even as she thought of the hollow holes in their chests. She couldn't accept the idea of her friend she'd played with in the woods turning on her in such a way. To try and devour her. "Don't say that."

"Sister!" White sands were spitting up into the air, something beneath them racing towards them at a breakneck speed. "Orihime, come with me. We can be together now! Die. Stay with me!"

She turned to Ulquiorra with wide eyes, "run away! I don't want you getting hurt!"

"The first order is quite impossible, but I'll endeavour to follow the latter," he muttered evenly, just as jaws burst forth from the ground aiming straight for Orihime.

A black wing swung out, slamming into Acidwire's neck and pushing the attack off course. He then leapt into the air after it.

-----

Ulquiorra hit the ground standing, skidding on his heels and looking up at Sora Inoue as he followed, snarling with bloodlust. Sensing energy beneath the sand- Ulquiorra thrust his talons into the mound, gripping bone and yanking it to the surface.

Another creature like them was revealed, shrieking in horror. With a hard twist and yank- Ulquiorra broke off one of its porcelain horns and pressed it to the side of his skull.

Bone weaved and connected itself, it's twin building on the other side of his head until large horns appeared. They struck out towards the heavens- in time for Sora's body to impale itself upon them mid-leap. The horns pierced through tough scales, causing him to cry out loudly.

Ulquiorra's gaze brightened, something collecting into his index finger. Raising it, he needed only to let instinct click into place, before black energy burst forth. It consumed Sora Inoue's form, sending him sailing away and hitting the ground with a heavy slam, arms lulling at his sides.

This time he did not rise.

Orihime trembled from where she stood, slowly padding over the sands and approaching the body.

It trembled and shook a little, coughing. Her hand flew to her mouth, tears collecting in her eyes.

The mask had broken in half, revealing her brother's face beneath it.

"I-I'm sor...ry...sis..." blood curdled, escaping the corner his mouth. He coughed, some drops landing at her feet. A gaping, singed hole from Ulquiorra's power had devastated his chest, leaving his arms and neck barely connected to his torso.

Orihime knelt next to him, leaning down and hugging his lifeless jaws.

When she heard footsteps approaching behind her, the girl turned, cheeks stained with tears. Her eyes were hazy as she looked at the thick black tear marks on his own morbid face. The hollow hole on his chest now gaped wider, what looked like black oil spilt out from it to leak down his chest and abdomen. With the new addition of nightmarishly large horns, Orihime felt drenched in the shadow of a predator once more.

Instead of fearing for her soul, all that wobbled out was: "Why...did I imagine something so terrible?"

Those irises had leaked into blazing gold, scleras dark green. His tail whipped out, sliding around her waist and yanking her to stand, pulling her against him.

"Does it not occur to you, woman, that this may be real?"

Orihime shuddered, pale and cold. His taloned fingers were biting and hard on her waist. It hurt. She wasn't sure what was real or fantasy anymore. The things she'd imagined had always comforted her from the pains of reality, and yet they wounded her now?

Biting back a whimper, she steadied herself against him, palm resting against his abdomen when she suddenly noticed it. Wet, dripping noises coming from his right side. Orihime shifted and gasped, seeing nothing but a stump for a right arm. Black blood trickled from it.

"Ulquiorra! Y-you're hurt," she shakily switched gears.

His steady, penetrative gaze slid down to it. "Yes. Seems I couldn't follow your orders. It doesn't matter, I can-"

"No this is terrible!" She fussed, moving around him, hands fluttering up. "Oh no...this is all my fault," she grit her teeth, shuddering violently.

"The fault lies in my second of hesitance."

It didn't matter what he said, she wasn't listening, his calm voice a dull roar. Light sparked from her fingers, an orange glow hovering over the space his arm used to occupy.

Ulquiorra's eyes widened, attention ensnared. Gradually, bone, skin and fur collected from thin air and reconnected. They solidified into his arm, muscles rejoining. When the light died, he flexed his sharp fingers. Good as new.

"You can regenerate," he quietly mused.

"I-I guess so," she croaked, gaze dulled as she turned to look at the fallen body of her brother. "I just imagined fairies over it and the light followed. This is...so confusing."

His tail tightened around her waist. "You're like me," he said in a soft monotone.

Orihime raised her head to look at him, flesh ghostly pale. She slowly drew in close and slid her arms around his waist, hugging him.

Those deadly hands rested on her lower back, dragging up her spine and causing the girl to shiver. She was aware of him smelling her hair, but felt no disgust from it. "I need to heal him," she murmured, drawing away and gently prying his tail off around her hips.

Kneeling once more, the orange light spread over the gaping hole in her brother's chest. When it faded, his inhuman flesh shivered, a groan sounding out. Orihime gave a tremulous smile, recalling their argument as she touched her hairpins.

"I'm sorry, please be safe, brother," the words she'd wanted to say all those years ago flowed out.

Returning to Ulquiorra's side, she rubbed at her cheeks and took a steadying breath.

"Let's go home."

He considered this for a moment. "...Did you do everything you came here to?"

Hands drew into loose fists at her sides, "no," her voice wobbled. "But I guess this is what happens when you try to live life backwards. Try as I might, and no matter how happy I was..." she glanced at Sora. "I-I can't go back to those days at the summer house anymore."

The dead trees, sand dunes and crescent moon in the sky were the only witnesses to their silent departure. By the time Acidwire had drawn himself up, the mask over his face restored, Orihime and Ulquiorra were gone.

----

Everything lay quiet and undisturbed in the apartment as they entered. Ulquiorra had to break his horns in half, lest they scrape the ceiling. Orihime broke away from him and shakily made her way to the shower in her ensuite, disorientated. After stripping, she sat under the spray for what felt like an hour, legs going numb. Disengaged from her body, Orihime rested her cheek against the glass.

All at once however, she realised Ulquiorra wasn't with her. Panic erupted in her chest, and she stumbled out, grabbing a towel and half-heartedly drying herself. Changed clothes in her bedroom, she hurried out in her nightgown.

She stopped half-way to the couch upon bumping her nose into a pale chest. Glancing up, she found his eyes had yet to return to emerald green hues, remaining watchful, bright, burning gold.

"You're still here," rushed out, a sigh of relief soon following.

"Naturally."

Feeling a little silly now, Orihime brushed damp hair behind her ear. Seeing his steady, expectant look, a lightbulb went off in her head. "Oh...right!" She forced a smile, squeezing his arm. "What was it you wanted in return?"

Dark lashes dropped slightly, stare becoming half-lidded. It took her a moment to realise Ulquiorra was staring at her mouth. That gaze then slid down, fixing on a certain spot that his fingers soon rested against.

Orihime swallowed, feeling talons drag over the material of her night-gown, the pads of his fingers a hard pressure against her chest.

"My heart?"

He stroked the area with an almost reverent, yet firm touch. "I lack one, and yours is elevated above all other humans."

She became quiet, not screaming or running away, though he hadn't expected her to. The woman was strong. Her heartbeat drummed a little faster, but not at break-neck speed like those others he'd harvested limbs or organs from.

Emboldened by her lack of aversion to his touch, his free hand found her cheek. Claws dragged lightly over her chin, cool digits soaking up the warmth beneath them. "You won't resist?"

It pleased him immensely when she leaned into his hand. "You're so silly," came the faint mumble. "Or maybe it's my fault, for not teaching you everything you'd need to know about humans. I was a child though."

Fire spouted into his palm the moment soft lips brushed against it, heat blooming up his wrist. "There's more than one way to hold a person's heart in your hand. Not everything has to be literal."

Ulquiorra backed her up into the wall until her spine protested. His nose brushed against hers as he inhaled her exhale. "You're referring to sentimental emotion, aren't you? But there's no physical proof the metaphorical heart you speak of exists."

"The proof is in what humans feel for each other," she said softly. "What I feel for you."

Slit pupils thinned. His body became rigid.

"...Ichigo Kurosaki," he reminded her stiffly.

Something conflicted entered her gaze, honest as ever. "Ichigo is...like the summer house," she murmured. "I like him. I've always...liked him, but he doesn't see me, and I don't even know what would happen if he suddenly wanted me. The idea of him has always been so comforting. But what I imagine and want, it's just my idea of him. A prince on a white horse instead of his usual stubborn, short-tempered self. I know that. I've always...known that. But he was something nice to imagine, so that I didn't feel so alone."

Ulquiorra's wings unfolded, hands finding her thighs and hooking beneath them, lifting, forcing her legs to wrap around his waist. His breathing hitched, nose and lips finding her neck and gliding without really pressing down. He hovered on the precipice of something that threatened to ruin him.

"How do you know I'm not like the summer house?"

"Because I see you clearly now," she muttered. And it was there. It was there. His reflection glinted in those silver eyes. The first pair he'd ever looked into. "You...your wings, your tail, your tongue...I understand now, I got it when I saw you rip those horns off that creature and put them on yourself. You didn't get those other features from me, but you had to get them from somewhere, just like how you wanted my heart."

The image of him wavered and swam, waterlogged by tears. "I'm sorry I didn't help you live as a human. I could have given you a normal life."

"I'm not human," he uttered. "And any life with you wouldn't be normal. We have curry and wasabi together, topped with strawberries."

Orihime burst into a tearful giggle, smiling at him.

Ulquiorra leaned in, unable to hold back anymore, mouth crashing to hers. It was clumsy and hard, and to his surprise, she yielded after a brief noise. She coaxed his lips to move against hers, something wet and soft hesitantly sliding against his dark upper lip. Slowly, he opened his mouth, tongue meeting and brushing against her own.

Claws nicked at the sensitive skin of her thighs, and Orihime jolted- hips bucking. It caused a groan to hiss out, tail sliding, winding around her chest and squeezing the air from her lungs. Her breath puffed out and he gulped it down, kissing her hungrily.

"Your skin is soft…"

Ulquiorra's hair caressed her collarbone, causing Orihime to shiver in his arms. Her cheeks reddened as an appealing scent floated into the air that he hadn't smelled before. He broke away from the kiss slightly, "tell me what you're feeling."

"N-no!" She gasped, face scarlet. Ulquiorra dragged his lips down her neck, palm sliding to set on her navel and teasing lower. "The scent is coming from down here. Show me.." he breathed, nipping her ear.

When she shook her head again, teeth tugging on her plump bottom lip, he sank to his knees and dragged her down with him. Orihime squeaked as she was turned, falling backwards- landing not on the cool hardwood floor but cushioned by leather. Wings shifted beneath her back as she was laid down, the creature leaning over her and impressive wingspan rising up, containing them in their own personal cacoon that blocked out almost all light.

Clawed hands came up to settle on her hips, before one smoothed under her thigh, lifting her leg up for a better angle as he leaned down. Orihime made a noise of surprise, squeezing startled eyes shut and rolling her hips instinctively despite nothing pressing against her yet.

"You're unexpectedly wanton," his monotone sounded lighter, almost as though amused.

Her nightgown was hitched and yanked up, leaving her bare sex exposed and vulnerable.

He experimentally drew his tongue out and licked the glistening folds, soon sucking on her clit, talons biting into the nightgown. Gasping, Orihime threw her head back, arching into his mouth. Her ankles locked behind his head as frantic hands descend to black locks. Ulquiorra started and paused, unused to such a place being touched. His hair slid like soft feathers through her fingers, and ultimately he continued sucking, grunting quietly and shoving his tongue inside her. The woman in his grasp makes a curious noise, hips bucking up.

He watched her almost obsessively from his position, waiting for the moment she begged him to stop. The scent was impossibly strong, an intoxicating taste coating his tongue.

"Please, more," she whispered, startling him. For once, Ulquiorra disobeyed, leaning back and away from her sex and touch, dark satisfaction curling inside him as she made a weak noise of protest. His tail brushing up against her clit instead, sliding between her legs. Orihime didn't notice, too consumed by the sensations. The firm glide of his tail became a harder pressure against her sex, rubbing.

His hand slid up her torso to cup a full breast, barred from complete touch her clothing. "...It's firmer than I thought," he tilted his head slightly, squeezing with perhaps too much force. Her body sang beautifully with its honest reactions, her groan signalling her enjoyment as she rocked her hips against the pressure of his tail.

"I'm so close..." Orihime whimpered, squeezing her eyes shut tight. Grabbing his horns without seeming to think about it, she writhed and squirmed like a woman possessed. It made a low rumble build in the back of his throat.

Careful hands became impatient- tearing the material over her chest. A hungry mouth clamped over her breast, sucking and sinking blunt teeth in, causing her to spout gibberish, words and moans blurring into one another. Fur slid against her hips and navel, parting her legs wider as his tail rubbed quicker, gliding on the outskirts of her folds and flicking against her clit.

Writhing for a few moments longer, a loud cry filled the room, pressure snapping like a string. Her back arched, core quivering. Ulquiorra watched with undisguised fascination, sucking at the wound on her flesh.

The thin tail coiled, pulling away and coated in her wetness. Ulquiorra lifted his head and licked it clean with a swipe of his tongue, witnessing the moment her eyes cracked open and registered what she'd done. Orihime flushed deep red, glaring a little in her embarrassment. His lips twitched, rubbing his knuckles against her sex in reward.

Orihime panted, letting hazy eyes slide shut as she took in a few breaths. He then leaned over her, impossibly close. Those slit pupils pinned her in place the second she met his gaze.

"So this is lust..."

He braced his weight on one hand, the tail suddenly gripping her around the waist lifting, causing her back to arch, head dipping back.

Orihime sat up instead, fighting it- wrapping her arms about his neck. "May I touch you?" She asked quietly.

Vague surprise flit over his face, hand coming up dazedly to rest against her heart. It thrummed strong and sure against his palm. His touch then glided up, lifting claws to her cheek and touching the soft skin there.

Ulquiorra looked at her hands. "I haven't been touched before, not by anyone else except you."

He grasped her under her thighs and lifted her onto his lap as he sat on his heels, feathers and fur caressing her under her thighs.

"Me neither," she whispered like it were a closely guarded secret. She then smiled, causing him to blink. That smile brought him back down to earth. He held Orihime Inoue in his arms, hollow hole pulsing and aching with all that that meant, and for a few blind moments of pleasure, he'd forgotten how much that really meant to him.

Orihime kissed him on the lips, running a hand down his back to stroke the fur. His muscles tensed under her touch but soon relaxed. He dipped his head to her shoulder, just resting his forehead there a second, inhaling. Catharsis washed over him, arms tightening around her.

She felt so good.

Her needy hips squirmed against his, dragging one hand down his chest, the other lacing their fingers together, palms intimately meeting as she kissed down his neck. He inhaled sharply, the power seeming to make her giddy. It was a very nice sensation, having someone respond to your touch. Orihime experimentally sucked on the skin of his collarbone, squeaking when he rut his hips up. Ulquiorra then lifted his head- catching her mouth with his own. Growing more adventurous with his tongue, he moved it against hers and brushed it inside her mouth, running it along her teeth and grunting.

Something hard started to rub in between her legs, now showing from under the furs. A shaky moan escaped her.

"Feeling you respond, I think I quite enjoy it," he said quietly, wings shifting behind her, the thin leathery feel of them slid against flushed skin. Silver eyes glanced down, widening a little at the sight that greeted her. Orihime reached down, grasping his cock, skimming lithe fingers over the skin.

Ulqiorra jolted and hissed, resting his cheek against hers and breathing out.

"Does it feel nice?" Came her innocent question, cupping the tip and smoothing her fingers around the shaft. He rutted up into her hand in response, shoving her down onto her back, wings cushioning her and completely enveloping her with himself.

"More," he breathed. She was happy to oblige, stroking him harder, enjoying his enjoyment of it in that usual selfless way of hers.

Golden eyes practically glow, staring at her. Her hand pumped his base, lips finding his throat and sucking. Ulquiorra shuddered, leaning his forehead down and grunting. His eyes widen at the sensation, hips shifting forward continually. Orihime made a small noise, quickening her strokes. Her thighs rubbed together needily, getting squirmy due to his rapid panting and low noises.

Blunt teeth clench, eyes squeezing shut- before they snapped open and he shifts his hips back to drag his erection out of her grasp. A second later, and her wrists were pinned above her head via his tail, a pale chest braced tightly against hers as his cock rubbed hard against her sex.

"We're starting now," he said in a harsh whisper of sound.

Orihime's mouth opened to encourage him- but twitching hips are already ramming forward, forcing his length inside her. Due to the wetness, he managed to slide in quite far, but soon her tightness had him stopping and panting. One of his hands gripped her under her thighs, the lower length of his tail manoeuvring to spread her leg out wider with her ankle hooked on it.

Their breath mingled, everything seeming to stop.

Orihime's lips were frozen mid-gasp, eyes wide. Nothing to quell the invasive, full sensation. Sweat broke out on her forehead, which he caught on his lips, kissing it away.

The oddly sweet gesture had her smiling weakly. "I thought..." she gently panted, bucking her hips experimentally, "that we were starting."

Ulquiorra snaps his hips forward again the second those words were out, managing to thrust deeper. He liked the sounds of her moans he decided, watching as her eyes flew wide, head tossing back. Her full breasts bounced, damp, auburn hair clinging to her skin.

His tongue brushed along her bottom lip as he thrust, before pressing his mouth hard against hers. She suckled his tongue, arms straining against the tight clasp of his tail wound around her wrists. She moved her hips with him.

"Harder," she pleaded against his mouth, a mindless order. If she weren't drugged on pleasure she'd be blushing like a maiden. Ulquiorra panted, her demand only serving to heighten his lust. Grabbing her hips, he angled them up, ramming his cock inside her so that the full length sheathed inside. Her subsequent loud cries only encouraged his ferocity.

His clawed toes dig harsh rivets into the wood of the floor as he nipped her lips, moaning. Rosy lips press against his again, and Ulquiorra realises that his right hand is still being held captive, had been all that time. Her fingers squeezed over his, watery eyes remaining locked with his.

The creature had to fight the urge to utterly and completely consume her.

His clawed hand cupped her breast, sharp nails digging in slightly to the soft mound as he squeezed, rubbing a thumb against her nipple and leaving red scratches on her flesh. He drank in her moaning and high, keening sounds, their kisses becoming sloppy as he thrust erratically, harsh slapping sounds filling the room. The black fur and feathers of his lower half had become soaked from their combined juices.

Her wanting tongue licked against his, a string of saliva connecting them. "Please, Ulquiorra, more," she whimpered, eyes hazy.

"Your greed will be your undoing, Woman." He let out a groan, eyes darkening. He suddenly grabbed her hair and tugged it back, slamming inside her quicker and quicker. Orihime screamed, feeling his length hit a sweet spot deep inside her.

He has no scruples about slamming harder into her, his hips hitting her own with the ferocity of his thrusts before gnashing his teeth together, making a low noise as he released, shuddering. Orihime soon followed, crying out and trembling against him, legs going slack around his waist.

"You...you came inside," she murmured dazedly.

"If you're r-referring to the orgasm and possible procreation, I think it's unlikely," he muttered, catching his breath, lips brushing her neck. "There is nothing else like me," he thought of Acidwire and those other creatures in the dunes. Maybe there were similar things, but whatever he was, Ulquiorra did not think he was meant to feel this way.

"...You're not alone though. I don't think there's anything else like m-me either. I don't know what I am."

Ulquiorra blinked and shifted back. It felt somewhat like torture to pull away from her, the loss of heat almost unbearable. He hated the sting, that he knew no cave would ever be a comfort from the rain again. His tail released her wrists, leaving purplish, tender rings."I suppose you're right," he said, back to his monotone voice. Black wings slid out from beneath her, folding behind him as the creature lifted her against him and crawled onto the bed, placing her on it. "Or perhaps you're exactly what I thought you were when I first saw you. My creator."

"But you're real."

"It doesn't change your part in my quality of existence," he said, making to go. The bed was her space.

Orihime grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him down, cradling him to her. "Don't leave," she mumbled tiredly, eyes already slipping shut. "Whatever we are, I know that you're the only thing left that makes sense to me."

Ulquiorra stiffened, head pillowed to her chest as he glanced up at her. "Never mind your species or powers, I don't understand you," he said slowly but settled against her, body sprawled against the soft curves and dips of the woman's body as she quietly giggled.

For once, Ulquiorra drifted into sleep first, lulled by her fingers stroking through feather-soft hair. Giving an extinguished sigh, the creature surrendered himself to her.

---

When the first rays of the morning sun crept through the bedroom blinds, a thin rectangle of light fell over Orihime's lids, urging them to crack open. Wincing, she raised her arm so that it blocked out the harsh blaze. Glancing down at the weight on her chest and stomach, her eyes briefly widened, before gentling.

Orihime hugged the man closer, smoothing her hand over the filled expanse of flesh where a hollow hole had once been.

End

[izzy-b-hands]

20-30!

Thank you so much for asking!!!!

20. Favorite character to write?

Already answered, but I don’t mind re-answering cuz I thought maybe I’d narrow my three way tie, but alas, no lol. Still a tie between Ahkmenrah, Snafu, and Skwisgaar.

21. Least favorite character to write? 

Ooh-tbh, Larry from NATM just because I feel like I always make him an asshole? Like, I haven’t published all my fic ideas for NATM because I keep making him really mean? And in some it works but in others I’m like ‘jesus chill Lee he’s just a Dude trying his best’ but also at the same time I feel the way Stiller played him and his character arc means he’s got some major ego to him as the films go on? Idk that isn’t a hot take or anything just me being frustrated with Ben Stiller lol

22. Favorite story you’ve ever written? 

Hard choice, because I love all my kids, but I cried after writing this one lol: https://aboutthatmelancholystorm.tumblr.com/post/186781309036/you-know-that-i-love-you

It hit some personal stuff for me, so to be able to have it work organically in a fic so I could also like, mini therapy session myself? Cool af. Also, ppl seemed to like this a lot too, and while that validation isn’t the only reason I write, it’s always cool when my writing makes ppl happy. 

23. Least favorite story you’ve ever written? 

I don’t really have a least favorite, but I do have some I’m more frustrated with, due to how long they took me to write, etc. Currently? The answer to this is my Mark the Date series because A. it is taking me a day and an age to finish it and B. I feel like it kinda flopped, so it’s hard to pull up any energy to finish it, but like...I may as well now lol. I’ll get it done eventually.

24. Favorite scene you’ve written? 

Oh god tbh I have too many I love just cuz like

I can go back to how I felt writing them and yeah

But as of most recent fics, I really this bit: 

-Snafu patted the blanket near his head, and waited for Eugene to put out his pipe and lay back beside him before snuggling close to him. “You could be right. Could be God. Could just be love.” “How’s that?” “I think love has its own way. Even before you meet someone, even before you know you’re fallin’ for ‘em. Love’s just…out there, like the air or somethin’. Finds you when the time is right, and finds who you click with. You gotta do the rest, the stayin’ in love part, but that bringing together, that first spark…that’s love just existing, and doin’ what it needs to so the world keeps spinnin’, so people make it through tough shit,” Snafu replied. “I like that,” Eugene said. “Think love did a good job with us. Makin’ sure we found each other.” Snafu pressed a kiss softly to the corner of Eugene’s mouth. “Sure did. Wouldn’t ever want to be with anyone else. I don’t even know what that looks like, and I don’t want to.” “Same here,” Eugene’s mouth was warm as he kissed him back. “Here’s to love for making sure you found me.” -

from this fic: https://aboutthatmelancholystorm.tumblr.com/post/186926226531/absolution-is-the-taste-of-your-lips

Because I’m sappy af more than I let on, and also this was a chance to like, write out my own feelings via Snafu. And that was a pretty cool and fulfilling thing for me, ya know? 

25. Favorite line you’ve ever written? 

oh god this is another hard one to narrow down but

I always come back to this line and go ‘oh shit did I really write that. Nah, someone better than me at this had to have. They briefly possessed me or something”:  

-Music and talking and shouting and footsteps collide kaleidoscopic in his ears, but none bearing the one sound that he’d run to if he heard it.-

from this fic, mentioned twice now in this post lol: https://aboutthatmelancholystorm.tumblr.com/post/186781309036/you-know-that-i-love-you

I really love alliteration, and for me this line just sums up how it feels to walk thru a city when you aren’t just wandering really, but are looking or waiting for someone, and have that awful yet sometimes good feeling of expecting to hear or see them but it feels like you’re waiting or searching forever and in the meantime the city just lives on around you, a stopped platelet stuck in a vein full of vitality. Like, idk if it hit any of my readers that way, but that’s what I was trying to get across lol, so the line always hits me hard in a good way when I scroll thru my writing tag and see it. 

26. Story you’re most proud of? 

Gosh

I gotta choose just one kid for this aldsfkja I’m bad at choosing I love my gaggle of ragtag goofballs. I have an original piece I’d choose for this, but I’ve never posted it on here, so I’m gonna choose out of my fanfic on here instead.

One I am really proud of is this one: https://aboutthatmelancholystorm.tumblr.com/post/186781309036/you-know-that-i-love-you

and I know it’s the third time it’s been part of an answer on here but

I really love this one idk. Thinking back to how I felt while writing it, how it all flowed in a certain way. The whole experience was just something else, and I’m proud of this one in a certain way I find myself, funnily enough, unable to describe. 

27. Best review you ever got? 

Okay this sounds cheesy but like

I really do love and appreciate every review or review-like thing I’ve ever gotten so I can’t choose just one for this

Like, y’all gotta understand, I’ve deleted some of it and erased traces of it from my blog, but I’ve written for years on here, I have some stuff on my ao3, and for the longest time I got nothing back, or very nearly nothing. Maybe a few likes, but no comments and not much else. I always just rolled with it and assumed I just wasn’t writing anything good enough to inspire reviews. Idk if that’s true or not, but in any case it means I cherish every comment, like, reblog, and anything review-like in nature because I’m so grateful to have it now, and I know it could well be pure luck that I stumbled up on a really supportive bunch of fandoms with great readers. 

In other words, thank y’all for every kind word and like and reblog and also I may be an immortal feeding off of validation of my art, but we’ll see on that last bit, because I haven’t tested it. 

28. Worst review you ever got?

One from middle school. I’d just finished my very first novel, gave it to a friend to read, and he said it ‘smacked of being too fanciful and childish, something only kids and women would read’ (it was a YA fantasy novel so I mean... what exactly he expected, idk cuz he knew what it was before I gave it to him, like it’s supposed to have those elements as a lot of these sorts of novels/stories do, and that isn’t a bad thing about them at all, so like...what his damage was idek.)

Also this is the same dude who texts me randomly and is really weird abt his friendship with me and happens to be an English teacher now (RIP to his students.) 

Anyway, after he said that I tossed a review right back, because well, middle school and also I was very upset with him because I’d not asked for anything other than a general ‘if you picked this up randomly and started it, would it suck you in enough to keep reading or would you put it down’ like that was literally all I needed him to answer for me. So I told him his latest novel (his second at that point) was essentially just him masturbating to his own opinions (because he’s an arguer, who loves to tell ppl they’re always wrong, and that’s by his own admission) for one hundred pages, and not in a way that anyone else would care to read. He was pissed, but so was I. We didn’t talk for a good week, and we had almost all our classes together lol. 

Like, getting nothing back in review sucks too, but this one has stuck with me forever. Best part? I mentioned it to him a few years back, and he only vaguely remembered it, and followed it with “but I’ve said a lot of rough stuff about your work. I mean, it deserved it at the time, but you might be good at this someday!” 

I didn’t smack him, but I really, really wanted to. 

29. Favorite story/poem of another author

This doesn’t specify on Tumblr or not, so I’ve got two: one from outside tumblr, and one from on here.

A. When I have Fears That I May Cease to Be by John Keats

When I have fears that I may cease to be   Before my pen has gleaned my teeming brain,Before high-pilèd books, in charactery,   Hold like rich garners the full ripened grain;When I behold, upon the night’s starred face,   Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,And think that I may never live to trace   Their shadows with the magic hand of chance;And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,   That I shall never look upon thee more,Never have relish in the faery power   Of unreflecting love—then on the shoreOf the wide world I stand alone, and thinkTill love and fame to nothingness do sink.

B. Again, this Tumblr one could be a huge ass list because y’all on here are amazing, but one I’ve been rereading over and over again recently is @xmxisxforxmaybe ‘s Remnants series, which can be found here: https://xmxisxforxmaybe.tumblr.com/post/186702235396/remnants-complete-work

Like, Ahk as a character is captured so well, and I love the way the plot twines and also when the smut comes up? Very good A+ smut, something I value pretty highly on and off Tumblr because man, sometimes smut is just work to write, so I appreciate it when it’s really good. All around, this series has captured my heart and I legit have a link to it saved on multiple devices so if I need something to read, I can just pull it up right away. 

30. Hardest part of writing? 

Self-doubt. It’s the biggest hurdle for any artist, regardless of the art in question I think, but with writing it seems to double down a lot. Like, you have to really get out of your own head, even as you spend all your time there with your writing ideas. Shit gets weird and twisted, man. 

For the longest time, I really let self-doubt defeat me too, and I regret the time I lost to that. I still get hit with it randomly, cause I don’t think it every really goes away for any writer, not even the big names like Stephen King or Neil Gaiman (who I’m half tempted to @ on here purely because I wanna know his feelings on this stuff because I respect and admire him as an artist and his thoughts very much, but also he’s a very busy man so I’m not gonna bug him by doing that lol.) 

All there is to do is to work with it, push past it, and most importantly keep writing. I have days where that feels like the hardest thing, but each day I manage to get past it and get the words down? I let myself feel proud of that, and mark it as an achievement in my Big Book of Stuff I’ve Done in This Life. 

[hanzi83]

About the Public Facebook Page

When I write these blogs, I normally don’t get much reaction to these, because most part no one reads them, or in my deluded mind, no one reads it but the trolls save it under their file to use against me when it becomes convenient, depending on how irrational I am and I am just spewing whatever the fuck that comes to my mind. But since I have had this public page created, which was by accident, but the strange part of it being created, almost immediately there were several thousand likes that were there. I wonder if that was by design, since I am delusional enough to think that my life is monitored because I am a test subject for the higher ups, and since I am living a more pathetic Truman show type of a life, I don’t think anything is a coincidence.

Now I was thinking of deleting the page because I can barely maintain it, and when these things happen, I then become even more flustered with the reality check that I am not tech savvy to organize some structure to this page. I just decided to post videos time to time, and maybe links to these blogs or something I am featured on. The initial response to my first video had several thousand views, which is nothing to most credible people in the system, but for someone who is not supposed to be relevant in the social eye, I am doing okay with the numbers.

As the time went on I cancelled the deletion of the page, which was in the process of deleting, and strangely enough it takes 14 days to do that. I don’t understand why. I mean I could understand 2 days or maybe even 3 but nope 14 days? I just settled with it and cancelled. I figure I am getting a lot more viewers on this thing so why not stay. In my deep insecurity I didn’t want to start a public fan page, because sometimes my status is not supposed to be given its props, so I figured I would not get many people following. So I was shocked that even over 4000 liked it and even over 6500 people follow it. I don’t get that either, I mean you will follow but you have your hill you want to die on with setting the record straight “Well sir I will certainly follow it, but to hell with the act if liking it” like it is showing me, nonetheless. I noticed that there had to be a catch to this existing, because sometimes people try to fuck with my pages, and if you read my blogs with the amount of targeted harassment I think I deal with and how much people in my life may be secretive with stuff that has to do with me and affect me, so when something good happens in the slightest, I feel amazing but then they have to get me angry. So sometimes people spreading rumors, or making my comments now show up and then have the trolls show up to repeat the same fucking regurgitated insults that are not original or even funny.

Oh I need meds do I? Great, tell me how much of a loser I am while you are taking a break from your spouse and kids because you don’t have the balls to say that you are not happy about your predicament, so you need to come towards my cyber direction and tell me how much of a loser I am. My loser status means more in the world than most of these trolls accomplishments. It is sad but it is true, and now that this public page will be around and will continue to be unorganized as my life is, you people will show up. I will post this blog, and I bet you even though you will troll me with comments of it being useless babble and drivel, you will be reading the whole thing. I hope my grammar and spelling is not up to par, because I hope it makes your head hurt to figure out what the fuck I am trying to say.

People keep messaging me, and maybe they are pulling my leg, but they are telling me that Face Book is messaging them asking if they are sure they actually meant to like my page, and it seems like people coming to my page are being monitored or maybe it is meant to be the narrative to show me that I am supposedly becoming more of a threat, because supposedly the system doesn’t want my views to increase and sometimes they will fuck with me on this. Now that certain people on my friend’s list for my personal page can’t troll me due to the fear of being taken off my list, and then worry about me not falling for their alternate accounts which they are desperate to friend me with, you know the irrelevant and delusional loser they insist has no fucking life, so they have their accounts all accumulated for this public page.

These people will claim I am censoring people from speaking their mind, and I can blow it off a lot of the time but there are certain people who just want to fuck with me and just take shot after shot, and I know they have other accounts so I block them, and I rather do that and inconvenience them with having to switch over to another account. Maybe they have a program, but if there is any chance of inconveniencing them in any matter for what they try to do to me, I have no qualms with shutting them up for a bit, especially if everything being said is meant to completely disrespect me and add to my mental illness.

These people want me to kill myself, and they want me to attempt it so I could fail. If I fail, it becomes even sadder and then I will be evaluated so as difficult as it is not to fucking succumb to the worst case scenario and do something to myself, I have to fight it and stay strong, no matter how much they want to trigger my PTSD and make me think the worst things about myself, but they don’t realize that I can essentially assess what kind of people they are, even with the limited knowledge of what is presented to me, and it scares them to have to troll me. When the trolling schedule comes out for them, they probably get their shift switched because it might not be worth it, sure they can get me to interact with others a lot more frequently than most people targeted, due to how much certain mentally ill targets of the system are beaten down and cannot retaliate at the online harassment, while protectors of the system are the ones who hide behind fake accounts to do it and then tell these people they are mental pussies and are not real men. They don’t like that no matter how much they try to break me down, I become mentally stronger and stronger and it is even worse because seemingly I am all by myself, while everyone has every perk and technological advancement at their disposal while I am sitting in my mother’s basement still being hell of a lot more entertaining eating food on camera, or the IPHONE microphone catching my weird breathing patterns from the cigarettes I am smoking, I wish these newer phones wouldn’t pick up those grotesque sounds, but whatever, add it to another one of my flaws on an already long list, that people will continuously read back to me, in case they didn’t already know that I am aware of it like I don’t tell myself while looking in the mirror. Your insults can’t harm me as much as you think, because there is nothing that you can tell me that I don’t say to myself so I can prepare myself to go at people who try purposely to get me to attempt something on myself.

So I know this blog, since it will be on a public page, will make me anticipate the ridicule, but also maybe some of positive feedback. I pay too much attention to the negative, but like the negative assholes plan on doing, my mental illness buys into that and I start getting darker with my insults, and I feel I have to outdo myself with a limited vernacular and creativity and I have to come up with the most harsh things that I could think of that I can imagine.

So anyway, enjoy the public page. I don’t know how long people will stick around, but with blog posts like these, I don’t anticipate many to stick around and if they do, some will do it for the fandom they have for me, and a lot others will try to find more ways to drive me crazy and repeat the same questions they already have the answers to, but they need to distract me from commenting on shit and they need for me to lose my patience, so instead of the standard insults, they use distraction, and it is called “SEALIONING” for some odd reason, I could look up the entry on the internet about it, but I am already falling asleep writing this, just take my word for it, or don’t. I don’t fucking care. You are the ones reading this drivel, because you need to feel like you to take anything I do and use it for later as ammo etc. “Well he uses etc a lot, I think we may have found something to mock him with Chief” and those type of people would seem like the type of people who would say Chief, don’t fucking lie.

I don’t know where this blog is going, but let’s keep it going because you will keep reading and then pretend you didn’t read it, but then make a fake account about how horrible and delusional it is.

So….

[finsterhund]

Exhaustion and updates

Hoping it's just an issue on twitch's end or the ISP but my test stream had the occasional drop of frames and freezing for half a second. No issues to me but it was present in the VOD.

Really hoping that's not a thing that is going to occur commonly.

Might want to see about getting better upload speed.

But yeah. Expect an update on my computer soon. I've been very busy and very sore and tired from doing errands, setting up my computer (it's a heavy boy) and tons of stuff. Laundry tomorrow and I'm still sore from all the lifting and running around so I'll be out of it for a while still.

I'll be posting photos and stuff. I'm very proud.

I was and still am so anxious about my computer being okay. I'm paranoid about that sorta stuff. There were some hiccups and troubleshooting and I'm sad I didn't get the no CD patch of Heart of Darkness working on it, but it is happy and healthy now.

Spot from my friend arrived too. The black fur on the back is damaged somehow which means not as soft and also shedding. Upsets me a lot but maybe that's a reason to get this Spot a service dog vest.

Also not big enough to be the proposed "giant Spot" but large enough to take on trips and stuff. Good for hugs. So good for hugs. Second favourite Spot after the OG Cuddle Clone Spot.

My computer is a handsome machine. So many lights and fans. Graphics card has lights and fans, heatsink has lights and fan, etc.

Also my friend finally gave me his old monitor officially for real this time. Because I bought it off him. So I actually have space on my desk.

I also fixed my chair. It's still loud and squeaky and broken but at least the back stays up again.

Expect some crisp HoD footage soon. Planning a high resolution death scene video. It's a long time coming.

Also planning to use the absolute beast of a computer to get back into Minecraft and start playing Among Us with friends. I can't tell health wise if I'll be able to finally get into 3D modeling but perhaps. Especially if I can get a new chair or start physiotherapy.

I discovered a way that twitter is broken. If you report tweets for abuse towards you/targeted harassment and twitter decides that the tweets were abuse and against the rules but doesn't think that justifies terminating the entire account, the person who made those tweets is told specifically which ones they were and has their account locked until they manually delete them.

In case you're wondering, yes, that does absolutely inspire them to immediately go right back to targeting the person who got them a slap on the wrist.

Like, if twitter just temporarily banned them and deleted the tweets without explaining which ones they were that would be fine, but not temp banning them and just locking their accounts until they delete the offending tweets literally does nothing except open up the person harassed to more harassment.

Nobody who gets away with harassment and keeps their account is gonna say "uh oh, twitter shook its finger at me I better leave this guy alone."

No wonder the site is so toxic. Not even Tumblr moderation was this horrendous.

Back to positives, I'm hoping once I'm no longer physically and mentally exhausted to start drawing some more again. Maybe with my chair fixed it'll be easier.

A Paper Beast unfolded edition stream is on the horizon, as are HoD speedrunning practice streams. That'll be a good way to iron out whatever weird freezing thing happens.

Now that I no longer am putting away money for my computer I hope to get back to commissioning art. I've sorta lost the drive for it due to my physical and emotional health.

I'm hoping to be more active with friends in the coming months, even though seasonal depression has already started to punch me in the gut.

They already have christmas stuff out. Walmart didn't even have halloween stuff this year they just went straight to christmas. All I can think about when reminded of the holiday is how it's the reason my last dog is dead. I have absolutely no reason to get into any sort of festivities this year and I am dreading how the corporate world is going to smother me with it in a way that is unavoidable.

Don't think I'm even going to celebrate the Winter Solstice this year. It just feels wrong.

Friends are already talking about doing their shopping and getting gifts and I'm walking past the isles in the stores and it just hurts. Just wish this year could just be fall and then spring. No winter.

I know this year is tough for everyone so I don't want to ruin whatever comfort my friends may be getting from the holiday, but it's a painful reminder to me and I was already avoidant of christmas on account of celebrating the Solstice instead. Before I could celebrate christmas with friends who did and had my own fun surrounding it but now all I can think about is how the last light of my life died of a preventable respiratory infection because the emergency vet office was closed. I'm the one who should have died of respiratory issues. That's what I'm predisposed to. Not her. It's one of the most horrific ways to die and I'd only ever wish it on my worst enemies. How many times have I scraped by from viral pneumonia and everything else and when my Zippy gets kennel cough for no fucking reason they just fucking kill her without telling me.

The thing is, the Spot photos are from Christmas so I wish I could just associate it with Spot instead but no.

I meant for this post to be positive primarily but in writing this out I think I've pinpointed why the seasonal depression is so hard on me right now.

My friend and I are going to be watching horror movies in costume on Halloween eating candy so I'm looking forward to that.

A green apple scented Spot is also coming from Lilsprout (same person who made Penumbra) so that's something good to look forward to as well.

I may try weighting and scenting my new Spot who I'm planning to get a service dog vest for. Also if anyone knows how to fix heat damaged fake fur fabric please let me know.

I just wish I could ignore christmas. It's such an alienating and depressing holiday if your loved ones are dead and you feel alone and hopeless.

I've started taking melatonin and it is really helping me sleep. Apparently it causes very lucid dreams. The first night I took it I had a lucid dream that was like I was awake but not. Briefly the new Spot lying beside me shifted into being Zippy (her specifically, not Spot) and I felt such a profound comfort as if she had visited me. I feel that's what Red Spot originally felt like when I was little, thinking this imaginary dog was Spot visiting me.

Was sad when I finally woke up though. Tried to do the thing where I stayed in the dream but my back pain got too bad and I had to get up.

Once I've done the laundry tomorrow and had some time to rest I'm sure I'll be more active online again. I hope. Will is streaming the Seventh Brother on the 30th so a bunch of friends are finally going to see the movie that the tired and weak crying puppy is from.

I don't really have any tasks out of my house to do right now except maybe some more groceries in a couple weeks. Of course my desire to go to thrift stores is ever present. I help buy gas so I should get to go lmao.

Think I'll listen to upbeat music now and then take my medicine. Hopefully less serious updates in the future soon.

For now my test stream is still available in VOD form on my twitch http://www.twitch.tv/finsterhund and I'm planning to upload it to YouTube later.

Take care of yourselves, and if you see stuffed dogs I'm your travels that look like Spot... I am interested. 👀

[fureniku]

The return of my blog or something idk

Looks like in my last blog I said I’d not post my semi-private stuff here, only to a private blog.

Honestly, I can’t remember the name of the private blog; let alone the login/password. I think I only made one post there, to zero followers, and kind of lost the point of doing it. So fuck it, lets just go back to being here.

Days since last post: 614 Todays date: 30th September 2019 Start time: 20:39

Well, I guess we have some catching up to do.

I don’t know how many people on here were following me before. So, I guess I’ll start with a sum-up. My previous blog was just me ranting about anxiety/depression related things. It was a good platform for me to vent my thoughts without real life friends knowing; I had a few RL friends who followed it which was great as they could give me some support, but most of them didn’t know about the blog, which was also great as they then didn’t know a side of me I’d generally prefer to keep private. That blog was deleted in early January 2018, when the drummer from my then-band found it. I had made some comments about my frustrations in the band which were true, and I stand by them - but naturally it caused drama. I deleted the account, and instantly regretted it - I only had maybe 50 followers, but now I have two, so yeah.  Life since then has been... chaotic. Not specifically in a bad way, just a lot of things happened. When the blog ended I was; - Single - Playing guitar in a band - Working a dead-end job in a Warehouse - Had no ambition/drive to progress life

Three of those things have since changed; I’m still single (not for lack of trying but whatevs). I guess I’ll cover a timeline? Jan 2018: I deleted my old blog, and made this one, and a second one with a more secretive/anon name. I made a couple of posts on each, then abandoned it. Instead, I started relying mostly on just one friend to help me. May 2018: I got a new job, working for a games developer. It literally changed my life. Anxiety/depression started to clear up a lot, things just generally improved. June/July-ish 2018: I left my band. There was an argument about the fact another band was using our space for free, after we had offered it to them at a split rate and they declined. I instigated the argument, other members didn’t see eye to eye with me, so I quit. It was a final nail in the coffin kind of thing, but it was certainly the healthy thing to do. The whole situation had been kind of toxic for a little while, but I now get on just fine with all of them - I think if I had stayed much longer, that might not be the case. Our vocalist left very shortly after me as well - I don’t know the reasons why, but it seems the terms were... less happy.

September 2018: I started taking Japanese classes. Met a girl, had a crush on her for a bit, it didn’t go anywhere as usual. No biggie.

December 2018: Depression came back a bit, as it always does around then. Not much I can do about it so I just power through.

February 2019: I got made redundant from work. I was cool with it, I could see it coming for a while and there was like 12 other people too, my boss had fought hard to keep me but the game wasn’t doing so well, so I totally get it. I got a nice redundancy pay (which they by no means had to give me, so I’m super grateful). I applied for a job with another studio; quite a big one called Jagex. They were far from me so it would’ve involved moving and stuff, so quite scary. I made it to the final stages, but didn’t get it.

I now had a fair lump of cash (I had been saving for a house anyway), but not quite sure what to do with it. Followers of my previous blog can probably guess what I decided to spend it on...

April 2019: I went back to Japan! My mental-health-reset trip mark 2. I spent about two and a half weeks there (despite fucking up and accidentally buying a ticket to return mid-may... whoops). I got detained in China on my way home too but that’s a whole other story (it was all sorted and fine in the end).

While in Japan, I had time to clear my head and think. I decided I wanted to go back to university, so started thinking about how that would work. Here in the UK, we get a student loan to pay for university. It’s a bit complicated, but the way it works is you get your course length plus one year of funding. The day you set foot on campus, you use one year of funding. Now, I had already been to university previously - I studied music production. Totally dead industry, I dropped out about three weeks into my second year. That meant, I only had course length minus one year’s funding left available. So I have to pay the first year of university myself. At a cool £9,250.

My dad agreed to pay one term, so one third of that. I managed to save up another terms worth by working over the summer. I’m sat in my uni dorm right now, still not quite sure how I’ll pay for the third term... but I’ve got 6 months to figure that one out.

May 2019: I returned to my original job, back in the warehouse. Picking and packing sacks of bird food, so much fun. My mental health naturally slipped again, although everyone was really friendly to me while before it was kinda like I didn’t exist, so that was nice.

Around this time, I also joined an Overwatch team. It was a pretty big team with maybe 14-15 members, it was cool to make some new friends. Except one guy, was a dick. This OW stuff is like a whole side story from hereon... Anyway, I said to my squad leader (We’ll call her SN) that this guy is a dick. She said ok and she’d go talk to him. She said do you agree you’re being a dick, he said no. She said do you acknowledge one of the squad members thinks you’re being a dick? He said no again. Some other stuff I don’t know happened, and he got kicked off the team. He turned a load of people against her, caused loads of drama, and everyone blamed her when it was 100% my fault. So that was fun. The only reason I didn’t leave the team right then is because if I had, the entire drama would’ve been for nothing.

June 2019: My old boss who didn’t work there appeared at the end of may. I have a job for you. Ominous... but ok. Turns out, there was a new system being implemented on another contract. As I had experience with QA, and had done some IT stuff for them before, they wanted me to help with the testing and implementation. It was a job that would test my brain, while requiring little physical work - it was perfect for me. I really enjoyed it. It was supposed to be a four week thing, but we found lots of niggly little problems in the system... as far as I know, it’s actually only just gone live - but may have been delayed further.

While working up there, obviously there was downtime while waiting for fixes to be implemented. “What, you want this label a different size? oof, that’s gonna take about three weeks”. However, I got to stay in the office, doing odd jobs and stuff. One of the “odd jobs” ended up being a full on Android app, that my boss and me developed together. It was super fun to work on and really rewarding. That was worked on on-and-off between June and August.

July 2019: an interesting month. There was a major incident at work where a shelf holding very heavy metal shit stirrers collapsed. (The contract was a water treatment etc company, who provide all the clean water and water recycling for my local area. The things on the shelf literally stirred shit.) No one was hurt but it was a lot of drama, which was kind of entertaining to me as I was totally bunking off for the whole week where it happened. Not just the occasionally check Facebook on your phone at work kind of bunking off; I literally just messed about on Discord and worked on Minecraft mods for about two weeks straight. They had given me quite a big project to do, I automated the process... gg ez.

Around this time, the game I had been a part of before was to be officially cancelled. My old work invited me down to the studio to be a part of the formal funeral for the game, which was a big honour. I even got to fly the sky-whale which was awesome. It was bittersweet though, as the game meant a lot to me and had literally changed my life.

August 2019: haaaaaa august was a meme. I’d gotten kinda close with a girl (we’ll call her AP) in my Overwatch team. Like, we’d arranged to meet up at the end of August anyway but yeah, she was the first crush in a long time who actually knew I liked her. And she had certainly implied she felt the same way... like she’d been sending lots of hearts and stuff and talking to me 24/7, tagging me in “X has to take you on a date to Y place” memes and so on.  Anyways, so SN had apparently picked up on the fact I liked her, and started getting super pissy with me. I was pretty good friends with SN and we got on well, but in August she suddenly started getting crazy angry with me over tiny things. It all came to a head when I let AP kill me in a game (long story). Turns out, SN was like in love with me... despite breaking up with her boyfriend of over a year like 2 days before this conversation. So yeah, she told me to fuck off and that was that, she left the team etc, which thanks to chain of command meant that I was then in charge. fun. 

Anyways, get to the end of August, and I was due to meet AP. We met up, it was pretty cool. We hung out at a gaming festival, then suddenly like half way through she was like “lets split up for a bit” and I was like ........ok thats weird but alright. We didn’t meet up again until literally when she had like 2 mins to go, but it seems like she had a lot more fun without me being there. Clearly I’d done some major fuckup, which I still don’t actually know what it was. I had an anxiety attack before I even reached my car... and not a little one either. It’s quite possibly the biggest anxiety attack I’ve ever had, I barely made it to my car before having a total meltdown. It was the first one I’d had for about a year and it hit hard. It took me about 30 mins to calm down, then I headed home. 

I messaged her that night and asked her what happened, and she replied with “oh I never said I liked you”. It hurt a lot, like I’d been totally lead on. But hey whatever, that’s my life in a nutshell right? “Oh you want this happiness? this happiness right infront of you? HA nah”.  She said in the same message that I “seemed cool” and she’d like to hang out again sometime. But literally within a week she was clearly interested in another guy, so yeah whatever. We’re still friends and play games from time to time but I know she likes this other guy, so yeah. I still like her but whatever, not much I can do about it.

Work was a meme as well. I got taken off the fun and interesting projects to do paperwork. Literally, my job was to scan 35,000 documents because they couldn’t find a couple of bits of information. I suggested much better and more efficient ways, but the boss of the contract was like “no thats bad do it this old fashioned way we don’t want any fancy apps or anything” (I had suggested a spreadsheet or database). It took me about 3 weeks of just standing by a scanner which would jam up every 15-20 sheets in. It was mental health hell, especially in the last week after all the AP stuff had happened.

September 2019: I had one week left at work. I finished the hellish scanning project on Monday afternoon. “Oh as a thanks for your massive hard work we’ll make sure to find you things to do for the rest of the week” No it’s fine, I’m happy to just finish a few days early so I have more time to prep for uni. “No no no, we’ll find you stuff to do” They did not find stuff for me to do. I literally sat there, with nothing to do bar a few odd jobs “hey can you fix this printer”, for four days. It was incredibly mind-numbingly dull. The only thing ticking me over was “hey, maybe they wanna give me a card on my last day or something to say good luck and bye and thanks for doing this literal £20/hr job for half that because you’re agency staff”. But nah, a few people said cya later, but a lot forgot I was leaving entirely. So that was a fun way to finish what had mostly been a decent job...

I then had two weeks of freedom, before moving to university on the 21st. I was nervous; who wouldn’t be? but it was cool. I finally moved out of my house, and had a place where I could make a lot of new friends (LOL). On the day I moved in, I met up with someone I’d spoken to online a few times who was living in the same building as me, we’ll call her S. She was nice, we got on well, and it was kinda cool to have a friend who was a girl that for once I didn’t have a crush on (coz I’m still totally hung up on AP). We ended up going to a club in the evening which I’ve literally never done in my life, and she brought me out of my comfort zone a lot. She was great for my anxiety and really helpful. We’ve hung out a few times since, but I kind of feel like I was just a “filler friend” until she made new friends. She actually totally blanked me when I walked past her today, so that was fun. She has my Switch atm too coz I let her borrow it, I’ll probably just get it back later this week and then be done, its like I put in all the effort to be a friend and she couldn’t care less.

Anyways, so as I said I moved in on Saturday. I met one of my four flatmates on Saturday and another on Sunday, but hadn’t seen the other two at all. It gets to Thursday and I’m tidying the kitchen a bit, my mum’s about to pick me up so I can move in my last few things, and one of the mystery people appeared - she hadn’t actually moved in yet and was just unloading her stuff. She had loads of kitchen stuff, seems she’s really into her cooking.

Anyway, mum picks me up, we go to get my stuff, then we’re driving back, and my phone starts blowing up. S: Are you in? Me: No, why? S: Your building’s on fire. Me: lol nice joke S: no really *picture of everyone evacuated with fire engines outside* S: It’s your floor too, idk which flat. I wasn’t far out, so found her outside when I arrived. I’ve seen people going in, not being funny but one of them looked like [one of my flatmates]. Shit.  A few mins later, the girl who had just moved in came over. You know it’s our flat right? Shit. Turns out the extractor fan on the cooker malfunctioned. I won’t share the video itself coz one of my flatmates is in it, but yeah it just started spraying molten something all over the hob and surfaces. (They said it looked like molten metal, and they were there - but I don’t see how it would’ve gotten hot enough to melt any metal. My best guess is fat that hadn’t been cleaned from last years tenants)

So yeah, we got moved into another flat. The open cupboard right there was my one - I rescued my custom cup from it that the games studio had given me. It’s no good to drink from now, but it still looks ok so I’m glad I can keep it for decorative purposes at least. The rest of the food is waste, and I have to wait for the plates etc to get cleaned. I’m currently eating ready meals out of their cook-in containers, because I don’t have any plates, and only one fork and spoon. I bought some paper plates today though so I’ll use those from tomorrow, but I still don’t have any saucepans or anything.

I wasn’t around when they sorted out the replacement accommodation. Because of that, the other four from my flat went to the same new flat together, with one new person. I was put into a different flat which also had one other person in, my building manager assured me they’re “really nice”. I asked if they knew I was coming, BM said “they’ll know when we get up there :)”. That was Thursday, today is Monday. The only food in the kitchen is mine, I’ve not seen anyone. I’m 100% positive I’m alone in this flat.

And so yeah, that’s my uni experience so far. I had my first lectures today, it was cool because I already knew all the stuff so I got to feel smart (I’m doing computer games programming, and it was mostly about design docs which I read through extensively while working at the studio, so I knew exactly how they worked etc). But, I didn’t really make any friends. I kind of joined in with a couple of other people in each lecture, but it seems like they weren’t really interested, so whatever. I had an anime society taster this evening as well, and it was when I was on my way to that that S blanked me and I just got hit my like a wave of loneliness. I didn’t make any friends at the anime society, so I kinda just gave up and came back to my flat, and started writing this. As I was getting the fire picture from above though someone asked me if I wanted to hang out, so guess I’ll see how that goes. Not holding out much hope tbh and I’m at the point of becoming a full on hermit... I mean hey, at least I’d get a perfect score on my degree if I just focus on that and eliminate any social aspect right?

Finish time: 21:38 Length:  3,302 words/16,759 characters

[windbladed-knight]

Like to request for a starter!

[rennyji]

May 30th tweets...oops...some more randomness...unrewarding experience...

May 30th tweets...-

- So, as some of U already no, amidst a problem for 11 years, Ive been frequently doing things likeDeleting &recreating facebook. 11 years ago, around that time, when all this started, when I started @ party school, I had 2facebooks. 1 registered 2 Binghamton, 1 to party school.-

- the one registered to Binghamton, I deleted my friends, put up a drawing of me as a picture, and wrote something random to put down a rumor and return to normalcy in the 2010 bare bones facebook. It was to tackle what I believed at the time to be the source of the problem.-

-As per the ultimate source of the problem, I could always be wrong, but I immediately got a reaction to the writing on that page by people in my surroundings, making me believe I was write about the first assumed source of the problem. -

-At the same time, like said previously, I had a facebook registered to party school. On it I had friends made at party school, people I met in the local area, and also my dorm/suite mates. This even had a picture of me, not a drawing. But the original orchestrators?-

-whoever they were, they focused on my "test facebook" to figure things out. sometimes you gotta put out random things in your environment to figure out an unknown situation, by observing for reactions...-

- amidst a drawing on the stalked facebook, 4 an otherwise uknown recluse like me 2 be in the "awareness of strangers," it means there is a photo of you going around. Why jump to that? I saw friends of a random girl & other strangers take pictures of me from afar at Binghamton.-

- Despite my awareness that something's wrong for 11 years, "the situation" continues. Imagine the compounding stress...1years of stress from normalStuff like school or work,  2 instruction fueled parents or complete/total/illegal randomness...how do U deal with that all that?!

- moving on...

-My family and me, in my youth, never took a lot of pictures after 13/starting high school. Not for any reason, despite dads love for Nikon cameras. due to school or work, there was never the time. That and before my parents made it in their careers, -

aside from family trips to India to see family, not a lot of vacationing to exotic places. college, and when I joined college, Facebook started for first time, never got to posting pictures. -

-On a different note, Facebook was nothing like it is today. Very simple in, I think 2006-my God, it’s 202-but anyway, even my more notorious Facebook writing wasn’t even in a modern “Note”or whatever. It was in the “About Me” “section” of a very basic/simplistic Facebook-but -

-back to the point...I think it’s beyond random and weird that there may be total strangers with possible pictures of my youth...

Oh my gosh... Becky...look at her bu....no, what I mean is...oh...my...gosh...for 11 years, what if ur orthodox Christian-cultural clash-parents steered the direction of entertainment on your life...how would they do it...the orchestrators clearly want me to be crazy...-

-and the school, from their involvement is going to be in legal trouble...how are all these people painting me...regarding my strict parents, I can’t do anything with a girl in the house I grew up in, not that as a grown adult that I care. I mean I was scared to ask -

-my culturally different parents to go to my high school prom. Didn’t want to hear their No! My brother, on the other hand? About him, he’s also a grown adult, finishing his residency as a doctor and moving onto bigger and better things. My parents think the guy-

-who wasn’t as focused on school as I was or who didn’t please them all the time like me, is the ideal or better son. Me? Particularly after involvement with the orchestrators, my parents -

- just think I’m out of my mind in everything I do. What did my brother, the ideal son, do, for his prom? The nuts on this one is ridiculous...he begged and got permission to go with a blonde girl at the prom at our all boys private college preparatory high school. -

-Then to make his secret girl friend happy, he tells my parents he’s going to sleep over at a friends place. What does he actually do? Him and the friend at the pretend sleep over take a train to Connecticut from New York to attend his blonde girl friend’s-

-prom at her school there. They do what they do, return the next day, and my parents aren’t any wiser. My parents praise my little brother. What do I get for a lifetime of obedience? Random obstacles, and getting yelled at or provoked, to get me to say things for entertainment. -

-I’m in the shoes or boat of someone who just can’t set things right in this praising of my brother vs. me...such is life...-

-As part of the nonsense that goes on to make what I’m calling sick “entertainment,” happen, YESTERDAY AFTERNOON (***corrected from twitter, where it says “today”), my mother comes to me and says she wants to wax the floor of my bedroom/office/space in our family house-rent for nice apartments in good areas cost $1700-$2000. Staying in the -

-house saves me money and allows me to use that money for other things. But anyway. She tells me she also wants to vacuum. I’m like Ok. Then, as usual, the random dialogue starts. It randomly escalates. -

-It’s one of those “but you said...now ur saying this...it doesn’t make sense...what are you even talking about...” situations. -

-Usually In this “show”, randomness like that occurs, where my mother makes faces at me, slams a hammer or walks to another room while I’m talking, or says something condescending. This I believe is to get me to say things at a point of aggravation.-

-Keep provoking until you get a show. This is what all of you witness and allow to continue by never telling me anything. It then fills the mind with distracting, resulting anger/frustration, the resulting thoughts, and the mind of lack of focus that fails to get things done. -

-Such is 11 yrs of life. If the provocation is to get me to go out, there’s only so many places I can go, so much money I can spend, while simultaneously no one says nothing to me. So what is the point of all this?! What happens with the room waxing/vacuuming?-

-Well mom has me like all my things onto bed &other places where things shouldn’t be so that the wooden floors are clear. Then after provoking me, she makes it seem something that didn’t happen or she thinks happened is my fault. She walks out without her completing her desire -

-2 wax &vacuum, &now leaves me w/the burden of having 2fix my room up, so that my bed is clear to sleep on, all after I finish a personal-but actually 2 person- project Ive been putting off, &showering. I guess this morning(W/respect to yesterday, that is-forgot to clarify that)-

-is the only relaxation I get...and like that, with a constantly aggravated or busy mind, I have to finish work for my job and get other things done...you look to things like a massage at places, but that’s 90 minutes, and the weird life thing is all day amidst 11 years...-

The even with dear Ma happened yesterday, and clearly not at 6:14 AM. forgot to clarify that. will make the correction when it goes into my tumblr link...

Moving onto normal stuff -

- Did any of you know that dark roast coffee contains less caffeine than light roast. I think everyone shares in my misconception that dark roast is stronger, but its written as not, online. Google it...

I said it before, I’ll say it again, peace of mind is priceless. I hope I end up with woman who fuels that, rather than more drama.