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marcusrobertobaq · 1 year ago

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Comparing Gavin to Hank's hostility towards androids reason is just dumb imo. Hank doesn't like humans and want 'em to learn a lesson, that's why he switches sides. Even in hostile ending dude expected deviants to be different and better than humans (selfish, brutal, ruthless) - so they can teach humans the damn lesson. He ain't afraid of being replaced by androids, he's pissed at androids cuz he think they're the reason his son is dead - and he also got no respect for people replacing other people with androids in personal relationships.

Gavin ain't got this factor, there's no reason for him to come to like androids only to hate 'em even more esp with this whole sentience thing. He pretty much got an issue with obedience and authority, esp regarding to androids (who are supposed to obey), but it's in general - it becomes easier to get when u get he was written as lieutenant, this rank got a weight to it - it's a management role often being the head of a team.

These characters are 2 sides of the same coin, tho.

They got similar mindset: dehumanizing who they ain't consider a real human - criminals, suspects, victims they thought was deserved. Androids just happen to be everything at the same time 🤣

What does it mean? Means in a interrogation room Hank gonna threat the mf and just give up (idk bout his old days tho), Gavin would just wait for things to get difficult so he can beat the shit out the mf. I believe if he went to interrogate Shaolin a "Under Arrest" 2.0 would happen - and the way mfs are so casual i doubt would be the first time they do something like that.

But Gavin seems to be against the idea of scratching people's back - should be one of the reasons he doesn't like Hank. Dude exchange favors, is a lazy mf and still think he got some kinda authority in there just cuz Jeffrey do what he can to keep him in there.

These 2 bitches are similar but would fight against each other if they could.

If we take the gallery seriously Hank is the one that climbs the steps to leadership making connections and contacts even outside the police or with low rank criminals, people he considers inside "everybody is doing what they need to get by, as long as they didn't hurt anyone i don't bother 'em". Man, even Connor calls Hank corrupt in cut dialogues. Gavin climbs it trynna show he can handle everything alone and be at the helm by saying "i'm the boss here" and start giving orders. He would shit on people like Gary and Pedro. "everybody is doing what the-"? Fuck this.

Lt Anderson and Lt Curtis Blake are 2 different types of lieutenant. In the final game happen to Hank be Gavin's superior which makes things far worse for the mf. While Gavin will bow down eventually some force is necessary - like pointing a gun at him or punching his nose, but he won't shut up.

In the police brutality metaphor made by Cage, both gonna treat androids like just another perp (like Hank with Rupert in The Nest), but Gavin gonna feel some pleasure in forcing mfs on the car hood while sayin' some fucked up shit (like that cut dialogue implies). Ain't only about androids but especially about androids, Gavin is worse imo cuz he waits for the moment where he can finally use brute force - even better if justifiable. Hank is just tired of all this bullshit, but if things are personal...damn, this mf gonna def snap and totally against the police - cuz he just doesn't give a fuck for all this anymore, but Gavin does. Gavin already snap constantly cuz he can't shut up and stop trynna show who's boss - fuck, must be the reason he got a scar in his damn nose. If he got an opportunity he gonna get physical to show who's boss. He's ambitious, mf wanna get to the top and have power over all situations he can and esp put people back in 'em place.

Androids just happen to have less paper work related to losing your badge for misconduct.

U can find these type of characters in lotta games where we got police "satirization". It's classic asshole cop, most of 'em are corrupt btw.

#dbh #detroit become human #hank anderson #gavin reed #dbh my ideas

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nyanzaya · 5 years ago

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Sometimes i feel kinda guilty to ask you so many questions 😳 ѩ Җ ℛ ✒ ಹ ෴ ᚖ ༺ ❤ ℳ ☢

Yet Another Munday Meme

oh gosh dont feel bad for asking so many questions xD that’s why there are there!

ѩ - Are there any characters that you love, but simply cannot role play?

There’s a lot of characters that I like that are canon characters like, Izaya, Shizuo, Tsubaki, Celty, Shinra, Dr. Strange and other’s that I really love but I don’t think I could do them justice lol so I just, don’t

Җ - What’s your greatest source of inspiration when it comes to role playing?

I’m not really sure? I know one is that I have this deep need to artistically express myself? Because if I don’t I don’t think it would be good for my health xD Or even just talking about it because I just get so healed if that makes any sense. And I guess another reason is cause.. like.... No one does anything with Neko!Alts so i just “This is it. It’s my time to shine.” Lol Like omg, I’ve had this idea in my head that I wanted to give everyone in drrr an neko alt because?? c’mon. Neko Celty would be super cute lol

ℛ - Are you religious?

I don’t think I’m religious, I think I’m more spiritual than anything.

✒ - Do you have a preference when it comes to gender regarding your muses?

Male. Because I don’t think I could do a female justice LOL Like I do have some female muses just I get all “hhhhhg” because i dont know if it’s any different but legit, if you have a female muse it can be so hard to get interactions just cause of how people see them i guess. And then with my own experience with a mun who played a very...very aggressive female muse lmfao it wasn’t...fun. by aggressive I mean like, their muse would sexually assault mine xD

ಹ - Share a story from your childhood!

Oh gosh... Well, when I was younger I played a lot of world of warcraft and I did a lot of player vs player and lol I-- I think I used to be really toxic about it? LOL I wouldn’t rage or anything it would be like, low-key shade throwing. Because I was a healer. So I had to keep my partner(s) alive and just “Why aren’t you doing any damage? We could of won.” like--- idk how to explain it lol I think back then I was like 14? So I was in this mindset of “Well I’m in the top 5(I was number 3) of the entire server. I’m one of the best players.” and, I low-key was an elitest but listen, I carried a lot of people. Just now, that I don’t really play anymore I kind of, leveled out. I don’t think that way anymore and when I think about it I’m just “what the fuck was wrong with me lmfao.” Now, I’m just tired and I want to write. I still do play a little just I don’t PvP anymore, I’m in it just to have fun and get things I didn’t get back then(It’s a private server so of course xD) But yeah, it’s kind of hard to believe that I used to be really mean back in the day. Now I’m just shy

෴ - Tell us about your day.

I’ll tell you about my work day yesterday because that’s literally the only day I can remember now.:

Yesterday, I got up like; 8:20 am because I’m tired and I don’t wanna be getting up to early. I go to work and I hold a meeting with our team leader. All the basic stuff like “Pay attention to this.” “When you deep clean or even when you’re in a normal room wipe down this.” ect ect ect. I had to also tell them that if the maintenance guy bothers you or tries to talk to you write it down because while our maintenance manager is gone, he might be a little crazy cause he thinks he can get away with more and he did get written up(cause of me) for like verbal sexual harassment. Anyway, after that meeting, I didn’t have a board(meaning I had no rooms to clean) and I had to help in laundry, which is fine I like doing laundry even if it kills my upper back and arms so that’s what I did from 9:30 am to like 3:20 pm. Got some food(I think??) came home, reblogged munday memes cause “Oh shit it’s munday” and I...think I did a reply? I don’t remember. then by like 5:20~ I was falling asleep at my desk so I went to my room and helped my GF try to find her pokemon game, we didn’t find it and at like 6:30 pm i just passed out. And here I am, retelling that story.

ᚖ - Do you wear makeup?

I do not. I don’t have time for it. I worn it once and I looked really pretty tho

༺ - Do you have any siblings? What’s your relationship with them like?

I have....an older brother a little brother and a little sister. I’m one of the middle kids lmfao. The relationship with my older brother is like... I don’t really know we kind of just “Aye.” “Hey whats up.” and be on our way. We have some of the same interests like games and collecting so that’s chill. The relationship with my little brother is pretty chill, before he left to college we were really close like he’d vent all his frustrations to me and stuff and I’d give him advice and then we’d sometimes play games together. When he left for college we hardly talk LOL But we do send each other memes. With my little sister-- i...I don’t know? It feels like it’s rocky but it’s not? It’s like, we exist but sometimes we argue. Like She’s a mommy’s girl and I’m a daddy’s girl so we are kind of on opposite ends but sometimes, she talks to me about how she dislikes our mom and I tell her “Yeah, like, sometimes she’s horrible. Sometimes she’s nice. And legit, Dad did nothing to you so I don’t know why you hate him” (Our dad was in the millitary so he was literally always gone) and yea, now we are kind of just chilling. Nothing really exciting. We are all in the same house but we don’t interact with each other often lmfao which is sad cause we are literally, like 10 feet away from each other.

❤ - Are you and/or your muse currently in love with someone?

Oh yes! I love my girlfriend. And Iza loves Shizuo and that specific Shizuo is my Girlfriends Shizuo so it’s like...? Weird af lol but I really love her even though sometimes I’m so shit at expressing it /cry I’m literally just always tired but I try to do whatever she wants cause legit i’m too tired to decide anything; other times I just wanna chill and be alone and it’s fjaksdfas feelsbadman

ℳ - Do you think you have a good handwriting?

Uhhm....I think it’s alright? Not the best but not the greatest. As long as you can read it LMFAO

☢ - When was the last time you went to the cinema? What movie did you watch?

The last movie I watched was Joker and that was the last time I went to the cinema lmfao. Me and GF want to see another movie but I forgot what it was

#about mun #;Ooc #hope none of this gets liek erased lmfao #if-that-so

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lalunangel · 5 years ago

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Things about me that are similar to you... that i want to erase.

I have a scar on my tummy from baking while i was (mostly) naked in my apartment because my roommate wasn’t going to be home and i had just gotten out the shower.. and it didn’t hurt but it’s right where your scar is from that surgery you had.

My eye look like yours. not the shape but the color. His eyes were so dark they were almost black and yours were so light almost honey but when you got mad they turned black as well. i look at my eyes now that i’m on my meds to see if i can see myself but all i see are your diolated scary eyes staring back. i’ve been so happy lately they stay light.

my hands look like yours. i haven’t worked at a job for 10+ years. actually after a year i normally switch out my jobs because i get so stressed and bothered by the people around me bc they act like fools. so i change it and i stick to my two weeks notice but i could never go back to those jobs. i like the one i’m at rn and i can see myself being here for a long time bc i love kids so much.

my art style is a lot like yours. it used to be blocky because my eyes see everything in basic shapes but everything i do draw now is swirling and messy and the colors blend and greens and yellows dance together and my art looks like yours and i guess that bugs me sometimes but other times it makes me happy bc when you were good you were great and we used to make up stories... and i just.. idk.. i do that now for all the bug like creatures i draw now.

they way my face looks when i sing.. this one was pointed out to me recently because i got turnt to a song 👀 and i haven’t been going off like i used to with music but i did and Cc bee sent me a video of me singing and dancing and i look like you..

the way i dress. I look like you in every aspect even when i try to switch it up.

my eyeliner. i be trying to be all cute and do cateye eyeliner but then i notice i look so much like you that i wipe it off and i’ve started to do this weird droopy eyeliner thing that leaves no wing and i don’t look like you as much.

lipstick. you like bright reds and pinks and i AVOID those colors so much but today i put on a dark lipstick just to fool around and I LOOKED LIKE YOU IN YOUR CHOLA PHASE AND I WAS SHOOK!

Things about me that aren’t similar to you.

My taste in music. Sorry girl i get turnt to everything. And you be like “oh i love all music” but you won’t listen to spanish music or get turnt to songs in french 👀 you also don’t like music from the 50’s up. you don’t really like anything past SPM and Linkin Park up girl. If it ain’t that then you don’t vibe and you’re weird for it.

You draw but you don’t do any other art and you criticize other people for the arts they do bc you don’t give it a time of day to understand it.

you don’t read and you act like you do but you don’t talk about stuff until the movies come out.

Your green thumb is shit. I have one i just have to be consistent with myself and stop pretending i’m too depressed to do things.

that’s another difference. i can mostly motivate myself to do stuff.

you like sweets but don’t bake bc you’re lazy. but we opposite on that because i hate sweets now (rip my sweet tooth you died at 14) and i bake hella just fit experience.

you act like a victim after abandoning your two daughters multiple times and blame me... but even after the counselor told me i had “mommy and daddy issues” i never blamed you.. not until you told me i should’ve died when i was in middle school... and then again with the semi..

you don’t collect anything.. out of pure joy... because you told me that everything in life is pointless and worthless... and the more i grew up... that mindset died... because i see so much worth in everything... that it’s hard to believe i was anything like you..

i’m not going to sit here and knock you down because i hate you... but i want to tell you that thanks to your example and your constant hateful behavior i’ve learned a lot about myself. i made a lot of mistakes this year. i feel bad for all of them. But the major difference between you and i is i didn’t let this life kill my kindness. with every evil action you held towards me and harsh word... i’ve grown softer... and i did a big bad not even a few weeks ago. one you were proud of. but unlike you. i will never in my entire life let it happen again.

So i’m sorry. I’m sorry that you see whatever happened to you as a validation for being so awful to everyone you meet and birth. I’m sorry you feel like such a victim all the time.. but counselors say to find new outlets. and i guess i’ve written a lot of letters to you in that ugly green diary i keep that says “letters to mom” i plan on burning it soon.. so the awful feelings you’ve given me can burn in hell... like everyone says you will when you answer to God... i’m tired of hearing you’ll go to hell... but i’ve never known you to be kind... truly kind... to anyone in your entire life. i’ve never known you to apologize... all i see you as is hard working and mean... but i’m still sorry... i pray often now because i still don’t understand why i’m so hurt by what you did to me and why i’m only hurt now about all of it... but i pray you go to heaven and see your sister and your lost kids.. and i hope dad hugs you.. and i hope you are forgiven for everything you’ve ever done.. and i hope with all that forgiving... i too learn to forgive you. but for now. our relationship is completely over. I have a new mom now. she adopted me and she’s loved me so loudly that i almost forgot she wasn’t my real mom. i hope you can forgive me for replacing you... i can’t stand saying you’re my mom anymore.

also that ugly as fuck name you gave me is canceled. I’m getting rid of the I and one of the M��s. And i’m putting something else entirely for my middle name. My name is the last official tie i have to you. and i’m ready for it to be gone! I hate the mf name.

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calliecat93 · 6 years ago

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Top 5 Things I Liked About RvB16: The Shisno Paradox

Yesterday, I posted my Top 5 Things I Disliked About RvB16. I don't like talking about negatives, but I had things that I wanted to talk about. I did my best to be reasonable and fair,, and I hope that those who read it had an enjoyable read. But the good news is that with the negative out of the way, I can now talk about the positives! Yay!!!

As I said in the Dislikes post, I think that this was a good season. It has issues, and I do understand why some didn't like it even outside my problems with it. Bu I ultimately had a really fun time watching it and it left far more good impressions on me than bad. Plus no matter what, positive feedback is just s important as negative since it lets the showrunners know what they're going right and even they deserve encouragement. That's what I like to do, encourage people.

So without further ado, lets begin!

#5. Expanding the series mythos

I know that adding the Cosmic Powers didn't catch on to everyone, and I understand why especially before the AI reveal came out. But even before then... I was okay with having Gods and more mysticism. Is it different? Yeah, and with how the show had always been sci-fi for over a decade and a half, I can get how jarring it came off. But for me personally, I was with going this route. Why? Well... first, I always like that kind of stuff. I like mysticism and fantasy, so seeing RvB indulge in it I thought was cool and could even be funny. Now that one is pure personal taste, of course.

The other reason though? It's because the universe was FINALLY expanding. For nearly all of the series run, it had been attached to Project Freelancer. I don't know about anyone else, but I was ready to see new stories. With Church dead for good, Freelancer pretty much dead, and with Wash and Carolina now having some form of closure and now having new developments open, if the show wanted to keep going then it was going to have to try some new stuff. I kinda see this move as a back to basics move. Back to when the show was absurd, illogical, and just plain crazy. Remember, Church being an AI wasn't planned, he really was just a ghost initially.

This is what I can see something like Blood Gulch doing if it had the budget and wanted to do more character development. And there IS an explinaiton to it. The Cosmic Powers are AI stored in the Monitor Body that Caboose put Epsilon in. Which remember, Epsilon had a bit of a God complex during that time. It explains where the 'shisno' slur came form, the Cosmic Powers used it to describe the prophecy and the Aliens adopted into their vocabulary. It only adds new mythos, but explains and uses bits of old gags form RvB as a starting point like Recollection did with Blood Gulch. That is the kind of writing I like, finding little things to expand on, even if it wasn't planned to be.

It was just cool for me. It expanded RvB;s universe, using old things and creating new mythos form it. But most of all, this opens the door to new stories and character development opportunities. It adds to the possibilities, not limit them. With how several ongoing plots have closed the door, I was ready to see new ones open since there was still plenty of potential to bring out. Is it more out there than it has been in a while? Yeah, that's a fair point. But for me? It was enjoyable and nice to see new orotundities open. Lets hope that even more spring up in the future~

#4. Tucker and Sister Plotline

Okay, okay, I know that some had MAJOR issues with this. Mainly in regards to how Tucker's character was handled. He was an asshole, narcissistic, and really entitled about Sister. I know that MANY had issues with this, especially when taking into account his character development during the Chorus Trilogy. If you feel that way, I respect your opinion and I'm sorry that it felt like it was a downgrade. But... this is my opinion, and as I said during the season... I thought it was what he needed.

While Tucker HAS developed and become a good soldier, we never really saw him get over his womanizing and ego issues. He took his responsibility more seriously and become a better fighter who can and will jump to the call when needed. But he's still always been a narcissistic moron. It made sense to me, especially in Episode 4 when he and Sister talked about wanting to go back to the “good old days” where Tucker didn't have to worry about anything anymore. Back when things, like friends getting shot, just kinda resolved themselves with no consequences. With what happened to Wash and now being able to live out those days again... well, Tucker took it and it was understandable why. I admit, as I said in the Dislikes post, it could have been been emphasized and clarified MUCH better, but you can still spot it.

I felt that this was the natural next step in Tucker's development. For him to recognize that in the good old days, he was a pretty sucky person. He can't go back to that, as Sister made clear. Sister was THE perfect character to pair with him for this, and she also benefited from it. To me in S5, Sister was an unnecessary late addition that really only advanced Grif's character (and even then only slightly) and was just a way to add more s*x jokes. She was a wasted character imo... until now. While she's still overly s*xual, there's a sense of experience and maturity to her as well. She's had her own shit going on and yeah she wants to get away form it, but for her it seems more like to have a breather than to ignore her responsibilities. And really, she handled Tucker's behavior MUCH better than I would have.

Sister became a character. Not just another excuse for s*x jokes. Not just for Grif's character (even if I wish they DID have some more moments in this), she was a character for herself. She didn't take Tucker's shit, and she ultimately threw in his face everything wrong with his mindset when he disrespected her. She wasn't cruel, but she was upfront and honest and later after cooling down, she had a calmer talk with him. Tucker NEEDED someone to throw his shit in his face, which to my recollection while some showed annoyance, no one ever called him out for it. This was the first time that this trait got put in a serious light, kinda like Grif's laziness and hatred of work last season. I thought it was VERY effective... sure the paradox may have undone it, but it was still something that imo was a long time coming.

Was the plotline perfect? No, and I can admit that even I got annoyed at Tucker and was hoping that he'd shape up. But at the same time, for a character to develop, sometimes we have to see them in a negative light and not like them for awhile. I didn't like Blake in V4 of RWBY, but I knew why she was written like she was and in the next two volumes I adored her more than I ever had before. I'm hoping that once the paradox stuff is fixed, that'll be the case for Tucker. But ultimately, I found their plot fun, it made me like Sister as a character, and I felt like Tucker got some long overdo focus on his more... problematic traits in a way that made sense. I hope that whatever happens with Tucker next will be more satisfactory for people, but in this case, it was for me.

#3. Donut became a character again

This kinda ties into the last one. You know how I just said that Sister finally became a character? Well she wasn't the only one. Donut... holy shit, DONUT.

Now this case differs form Sister as Sister was mainly the victim of unfortunate timing. Because she got added in S5, the final season of Blood Gulch, there simply wasn't time to do anything with her. Donut though... has been around since the beginning. He was at first some regular rookie, then after he got the Lightish-Red armor he became more flamboyant and dense. But his optimism compared to this teammates and being shown to have SOME competence (remember, HE killed Tex the first time), he was able to stand out. But after Blood Gulch and because he had to be shafted so much, he became less and less important and eventually just became the source of gay innuendo jokes. S15 even forgot to add him to certain scenes. Donut... really had no point anymore, and no one seemed interested in doing anything with him, even pointing out how he gets the short end of the stick and forgotten so much.

Well, clearly Joe listened because ho boy, he went and turned that around! While Donut wasn't in the majority of episodes, what we did get very much left their impact. You feel nothing but terrible for him. While he's a gullible idiot, he was sincerely trying to do what he thought was the right thing and help his friends. Friends who, as per usual, don't care or belittle him. The difference? Donut gets annoyed by it. Before, Donut didn't really react, or it was ignored. Now? Nope! He recognizes his treatment and is tired of it. This adds layers. It shows that Donut DOES recognize his treatment and that it DOES bother him. But at the same time, we see that he still cares for his friends as even when mad at them, he makes sure that Chrovos agrees for them to be safe. That really shows his devotion that they sadly have yet to realize.

For a long time, Donut had been both my least favorite Red and my least favorite of the Blood Gulch. Why? Because in my view, he had zero purpose. But this season completely turned that around. Donut got to show competence again. How the others treatment of him does effect him, but not in a way that makes him look unsympathetic. You can tell how Chrovos' manipulated him and understand how he fell into it outside just general gullibility. And they did so without getting rid of his past character traits, so if you did like Donut you don't lose that. And then the finale... well we'll get to that later. Joe said in an interview that he realized that since no one did anything with Donut, he could do essentially anything, and by golly did he. IDK where he stands on my Character Rankings, but he's now Number 3 on the Reds list (2 is Simmons and 1 is Grif, for those wondering), and hopefully the momentum with him just keeps coming hard into S17!

#2. Grif Development

While Donut had some good development, the character who by far had the most and the best is Grif. Last year already did a good job in having him get fed up, quit, realize that he needs his friends, and go back and help. The only downside is he spent the majority of the season off-screen. This time not only does his development take the natural next step (addressing his hatred of adventures and how he tends to try and avoid/complain about things), but we get to see it in full. To compare, last season Grif was in nine episodes out of 21. This time out of 15 episodes, he was only absent for one. So we get to see the Refusal to the Call in all it’s glory! Whoo~

I've gone on and on about Grif's development several times. I even did a huge ass analysis on this and S15. But to keep it on this season solely and in trying to summarize as much as possible, Grif's development was perfectly done. This was him trying to avoid the plot in favor of going after pizza, no matter how much shit gets thrown at him. But he of course, keeps failing at every turn and only makes it worst on himself. He doesn't try to fix the problem, he just keeps his focus on this pizza, and then provoking it's existence, until O'Malley happens and he's stuck with Huggins. Now of course, it's understandable why Grif does this, he's been through various adventures and just wants to do something mundane for once. And as usual, the universe just refuses to let him and it's affecting him.

After getting backstabbed by O'Malley and stranded though, Grif meets Huggins. She's a very positive, but stable character who at first he wants nothing to do with due to her being connected to everything that he wants to avoid. But once he comes around out of necessity, he... improves himself. Not only does Huggins win him over with her positive personality and really his own boredom, but Grif starts talking about his problems and how he feels stuck. Through most of S16, he's been shown as angry, frustrated, and prone to fits, including shooting at others. Something he wouldn't really do otherwise. And a lot of it seems to be because he didn't have a proper way to cope outside his inner circle. He needed someone to talk to not connected to his daily life and who can point out his flaws, but give him positive reinforcement and steer his focus in the right direction. Huggins did that by befriending him, listening to him, and pointing out how just avoiding and complaining about the problem does nothing. Grif clearly doesn't like hearing this... but he DOES listen, and he DOES shape himself up.

After Episode 9, where he and Huggins have those talks, Grif changes his attitude. Sure he can still be annoyed, but he's not complaining or trying to ignore the problem. He gets everyone else to focus, gets some kind of reward for his efforts with the Sword, encourages everyone to listen tot he Cosmic Powers word, and his attitude is overall more positive and lax. He's joking around, he's not lazing off, he's trying to get things done and fix the problem. And after finding out about Wash, while Grif does go along with the plan, you can tell that he was weighing the options and he does feel genuine guilt for pretty much betraying Huggins. But Wash is his friend, and as S15 showed in the end it's his friends that come first, the consequences be damned.

Grif has really, REALLY benefited from these past two seasons. A lot of his behavior has been given a more serious light, and in turn it’s given him more depth. Joe has actively tried to give him development, and damn he has done an awesome job. Grif's arc has been fantastic to watch, and add it to Geoff's absolutely perfect performance, and you've got a great arc that I'm hoping continues into the next season. This was almost Number One, but was just barely edged out... kinda.

What is Number One? Well, no point in stalling. Here it goes.

#1. The Finale

I guess putting an entire episode on here is kinda weird, but there's a reason. The four things I already listed? This is the culmination of all of those, and so much more. This hits all of those points very well. The mythos goes into effect with Genkins efforts and the resulting paradox, leading to what we can only assume is some altered timeline. While Tucker and Sister's stuff isn't quite prevalent here, it is Tucker accepting his missteps and his care for Wash that leads them to where they are and he shows his competence again, and Sister before got him out of his funk while having a much more civil talk to him. It's where Donut shines at his best, deciding to stick by his friends, fight O'Malley through time, and have what may be the most badass fight sequence/moment in the show. And Grif's development comes at full force as he puts all the pieces together, faces Genkins, ignores the pizza because of the mission, and once he realizes the reality of what's going to happen, he goes to stop it. It's futile, but hey he tried.

This episode was just executed so perfectly. Aside from Seasons 10 and 13, this may very well be the best season finale in the show. I mean the Donut vs O'Malley fight alone is frekain' amazing. Cinematic, well coordinated and animated, uses multiple sets and uses them to their full, and still had plenty of humor in it. It was just amazing with a frekain' great payoff. But even outside it, there were some great moments, For example, Simmons pretty much coordinating everyone in taking out the Blues and Reds. Yes, Simmons. His development has always been subtle, so seeing him step up after getting some encouragement form his future self was just fantastic. Really, the finale tied in essentially all the plot points, even the stupid ones, very well. Which is what any good finale should do, and they did so in a very effective way. When it was over, I was just left numb. I felt more numb than I did when RWBY V3 ended, and I was a mess after that. Suffice to say, it did it’s job well/

And of course, there is how it ended. The ending leaves so many questions for the next one, but it ends S16 so perfectly. The bad guy essentially wins and the reset with everyone's memories gone and Genkins replacing Church is extremely concerning. But it really ends the season well and hammers in the point. Don't screw with the past. You can't change it. You have to focus on who you are now, not who you were then. The Reds and Blues didn't do that, but their reasoning is very understandable and canon left implications that just maybe everything will be fine if they save Wash. They were wrong. Now, as the song says, everything is f*cked up. Can they remember and fix it? What's in this new timeline? What is Genkins going to do nos that he’s in power?

As the saying goes, only time will tell.

And that's the list! To me, this was a super fun season that left me satisfied and wanting more. I know that it didn’t catch on to everyone, but for me as someone who was watching an RvB season as it was airing for the first time, I had a ton of fun watching it. That’s what matter sin the end, having fun. It gave that to me, especially since I was going through some pretty rough times during it. It helped me get through those days, and I am always going to be grateful to it for that.

On March 9th, RvB Season 17: Singularity will debut and pick up form where we left off. Do I have concerns? Maybe a little, but so far I've enjoyed Joe and Jason Weight's work. I have faith in them to deliver something unexpected but good. No matter what though, I plan to see the end through. Because you do not do a finale like that and not expect me to not come back. So S17, bring it on!

Thank you all for reading, and I hope that this was a fun read! I’ll try to get some more RvB stuff out before the season starts, so keep an eye out. Until then, I'll catch you all next time~

#rvb #rvb16 #callie reviews #rvb reviews

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xz017 · 6 years ago

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oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me?????????????????????

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble.

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

#personal tea #read more only #entry

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abdicatedarchive · 4 years ago

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imessage || wren and sailor

𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍: imessage // early march 2021.

𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆: wren x sailor.

𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐑𝐒: friends not acting like friends.

𝐃𝐄𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐋𝐒: wren and sailor argue over text.

s ↝ the bish : hey bub s ↝ the bish : you’d tell me if something was wrong wouldn’t you?

wren ↝ sailor : yeah of course! i have no idea whats going on wren ↝ sailor : would appreciate a fill in?

s ↝ the bish : So, there is something going on? With Jet? s ↝ the bish : I don’t know anything, Wren. He hasn’t responded to any of my texts since maybe last Wednesday and I haven’t seen him since we got back from our trip. s ↝ the bish : Is he okay?? I’m worried about him.

wren ↝ sailor : i mean i can't really say anything is going on, i don't see him wren ↝ sailor : he comes in in the dead of the night and leaves before i even get up to go workout wren ↝ sailor : i'm also worried, but i don't feel like i can say anything

s ↝ the bish : I don’t know what to do s ↝ the bish : I’m just so confused and worried and mad at him. I’ve barely slept this week lol s ↝ the bish : He could have at least text me to let me know he was okay

wren ↝ sailor : yeah he could at least say more than a few words to me wren ↝ sailor : i wish i could be more help, i've checked with chanel and she also knows nothing wren ↝ sailor : what exactly happened on the trip?

s ↝ the bish : you talked to Chanel? s ↝ the bish : Nothing weird. Why would you think something happened on the trip?

wren ↝ sailor : i might have talked to chanel about it wren ↝ sailor : not to make things about me, but she did kiss me and run out of my room the other night ... wren ↝ sailor : no reason? just seemed like it happened right before he dropped off the face of the earth

s ↝ the bish : (...) s ↝ the bish : oh wow s ↝ the bish : well, you two were bound to make up. I’m sorry she ran out, though? Still, maybe it’s progress

wren ↝ sailor : she keeps texting me really provocative things, and idk how to respond??? wren ↝ sailor : we always text at like 1 am so i can't tell if she's lonely or if she misses me? or if she just misses me because its 1 am

s ↝ the bish : It’s Chanel. You don’t think she could be texting anyone at 1 am if she wanted?

wren ↝ sailor : so she's texting other guys at 1 am?

s ↝ the bish : don’t be dumb, she’s texting you

wren ↝ sailor : and other guys when im not coming over wren ↝ sailor : fucking typical.

s ↝ the bish : Don’t even go there. She’s not like that and you know it. s ↝ the bish : What happened to not making this about you??

wren ↝ sailor : not about me, right wren ↝ sailor : did jet seem off to you on the trip? what did you two get up to??

s ↝ the bish : It wasn’t the trip. s ↝ the bish : (...) s ↝ the bish : Jet was Jet. Everything was fun and perfect. s ↝ the bish : If there was something, anything, that I could think of that felt wrong, I’d tell you. But there just isn’t.

wren ↝ sailor : then i have no idea whats going on ... oof wren ↝ sailor : should i text her? have you tried texting him?

s ↝ the bish : not if you’re going to accuse her of texting other men at the same hour s ↝ the bish : I told you that he hasn’t texted me since Wednesday, remember? Said he had weights or something with Asher and hasn’t responded since. s ↝ the bish : He really hasn’t said anything to you since we got back?

wren ↝ sailor : she's single, she's allowed to do whatever. doesn't mean i can't be jealous wren ↝ sailor : nope, nothing

s ↝ the bish : it does if you’re not going to do anything about it ! s ↝ the bish : none of this makes any sense s ↝ the bish : (...) s ↝ the bish : If you do happen to talk to him or see him, will you please just let him know that I’m worried about him and that I miss him?

wren ↝ sailor : that is a fair point wren ↝ sailor : yeah you're telling me wren ↝ sailor : i will definitely know if he bothers to speak to me, i promise you'll be the first thing i mention

s ↝ the bish : sailor liked a message s ↝ the bish : I think the balls in your court, bub s ↝ the bish : Thanks s ↝ the bish : Actually, do you think I could hang out there for a little tomorrow? I know you said he hasn’t been around, but if there’s even a chance I can get him to talk to me for a minute, maybe I can figure out what’s going on?

wren ↝ sailor : you are welcome over anytime, i'll see if chanel can come by to wren ↝ sailor : best of both worlds

s ↝ the bish : Thanks, Hannah Montana s ↝ the bish : Granted, it sounds more like chaperoning... s ↝ the bish : I have a shift in the morning, but I’ll be by after?

wren ↝ sailor : it's not chaperoning, it's three people waiting for jetson wren ↝ sailor : but i don't have to invite her, we can hang

s ↝ the bish : I just don’t want him to get upset or think that asdghjk idk s ↝ the bish : Nvmd it’ll be fine s ↝ the bish : It’s been awhile since I’ve been a third wheel for you two

wren ↝ sailor : you won't be a third wheel, we all know how to hang out w/o it being weird wren ↝ sailor : why would he get upset that we're all hanging out? i bet he wants to see you but doesn't want to upset you or something for no reason but a jet reason

s ↝ the bish : I know, I’m only teasing s ↝ the bish : Just seemed like maybe you were looking for an excuse to hang out with Chanel when I don’t think you need one. You both miss each other whether you want to admit it or not. s ↝ the bish : Idk I’m a little in my head, I guess? But yeah...maybe. s ↝ the bish : I just wish it felt that way

wren ↝ sailor : her roller skates are in here, she has plenty of an excuse to hang out wren ↝ sailor : what's going on in your head? like where is your mindset at?

s ↝ the bish : She kissed you, ran away, and you haven’t thought to maybe return her skates? s ↝ the bish : Have you never seen Cinderella? s ↝ the bish : Somewhere between here and Timbuktu probably s ↝ the bish : I’m just confused and worried mostly. Maybe a little mad and hurt. He hasn’t shut me out like this since his mom, Wren.

wren ↝ sailor : i have seen cinderella, more specifically the brandy one wren ↝ sailor : just wanted to give her some space, considering she asked for it by running away wren ↝ sailor : has anything changed between you two recently that would have caused that? i don't know what's up with him

s ↝ the bish : is there another? s ↝ the bish : You’ve been giving each other space for like a year, though? Aren’t you tired? s ↝ the bish : Even if something had, why would he not talk to you? Did something change between you two? s ↝ the bish : (...) s ↝ the bish : Honestly, I don’t know what you want me to say, Wren. I told you what I knew, but I feel like you think I did something? And maybe I did, but I don’t know. I genuinely don’t. I just miss him and it’s killing me that I have no idea what’s going on, so this sleuthing or the quasi accusations...whatever they are...they’re only making me feel worse. Some deleted text bubbles later. s ↝ the bish : I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I know you’re only trying to help, I’m just grumpy and tired. Going to go bed, but I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?

a multitude of deleted text bubbles later wren ↝ sailor : i'm really not trying to make you feel bad, and I am really sorry about that. I just feel like im missing a piece of the puzzle, I wasn't there on the trip. I'm not trying to make assumptions about what is going on, but it's not really computing for me what the stakes are. He disappears all the time, I just want to know why this is different if I'm getting involved. Like I said, I am sorry for making you feel that way, I'm just really confused.

Read 11:33 PM

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daddyysbabyprincess-blog · 7 years ago

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You can ignore this. I’m just ranting cuz I need it out of my head.

((Not really little / regression related))

I’m sick of everything. Everything that could possibly go wrong is. Our move got put off since the court system seems like they don’t wanna deal with the fact that my abuser violated the restraining order. Daddy’s been sick and busy with work so he’s been distant and not around to talk as much. No matter how many times I clean out my followings, my dash ends up with nonlittle things which makes regressing even harder. And my ptsd is getting out of hand. I tried to talk to my therapist and she basically just said I’d get through it since I’ve done so well coping even though my “score” was so high. But it’s crazy to even say I cope. I ignore it. I act fine because that’s what is expected. That’s what always has been expected. Since I left him, I’ve always acted fine. Acted like I stopped loving him in that moment. Acted like I knew he never cared or loved me. Acted like I was unbothered. Acted like things didn’t trigger me. But that was just it.. An act. I was expected to stop every feeling, just because of what he did. But that’s just the thing. One moment doesn’t erase three years of loving someone. The countless times he does things doesn’t change it either. You love them though it. You make excuses for their actions. I know he doesn’t care. I know he doesn’t deserve my thoughts. I know he doesn’t care about me or love me, because he proved that at our last court date when he flipped me off, didn’t really claim our child, and said he just wanted me because he was desperate for money. But lately, I think acting fine is catching up to me. I suddenly have no clue where my mindset is. I keep replaying two songs.. “Do I” by Luke Bryan & “From The Ground Up” by Dan + Shay. It’s like I want to chase my longest dream of falling in love, having a family, living to be old with one person... but the other part of me is almost convinced that nothing is like that anymore. That no matter how much you love someone, one day they’ll just be gone. It’s like, everyone vanishes so why bother? Idk. Don’t get me wrong, daddy makes me the happiest I’ve ever been and I love him. It’s just thoughts and confusion right now. I’m lost. And I don’t have anywhere to go to “be found”. All my “friends” either don’t care, or don’t wanna hear about him anymore since it’s almost been a year. I could go to daddy, but I don’t really like talking about it cuz I feel like it would make daddy uncomfy (even if he claims it doesn’t, and that he wants to help no matter what). My family wants to pretend it never happened, just like they did with my other trauma. My therapist thinks I’m fine even when I say I’m not. The support group I’m in... no one responds. I’m tired of crying over this. I just wanna go back to blocking stuff out and being ‘fine’.

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pepperminthealing-blog · 8 years ago

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Day 1

I want to start this blog stating that I’m going to attempt to write everyday, and maybe even more than one a day. The events of this blog will not be in chronological order, it’s going by what is really tearing my heart apart that day, where my mind wanders.

I want to say thank you for whoever reads this, and I hope through my healing it may give you some insight in your own life, or better understanding of whatever. Or even if you’re just curious, I hope it tickles your feather I suppose.

On we go.

A month and a half ago I met someone, and we had the instant click. Whether it was because we were considerably nerdy, or because he made me feel safe during my current situations. Honestly, it was all supposed to be a joke; and thats so sickening to me knowing that I fell that low. We first met on tinder, and he would send some uh... wonderful messages. And my co-workers and I would read them and respond, then chuckle as we just kind of made fun of this guy who seemed to really be trying too hard. -Sigh- Who would of known that this guy was actually someone with a very very soft heart. We lost contact once I left my job shortly after my miscarriage and gained contact back when I returned, he was already seeing someone and I was on the line of breaking up with the person I was with at the time as well. We made rules that we wouldnt hang outside of work until we both had ended those two terms, because we wanted to be as truthful and transparent with not just one another but with them, fairness to speak. Today, I couldn’t tell you how we got to where we were that day, it was literally just a click... Maybe I was craving something that he posessed because I wasnt getting it in my own relationship? Idk. But, the first night we hung out... I knew I had to keep walking with him. He took me to Wawa at 3am, and bought me a tuna sandwich, and we drove to some dock area and talked about politcal things, hospital business and just our opinions on the world. It was freeing, connecting and intoxicating to find someone who had a like mindset as my own, that could hold an intellectual conversation on things that really mattered to me. After hours of talking, he drove me back to my car and kissed me, and it felt so tender and innocent. I think that was the moment I let my walls down, that for some stupid reason my dumb broken heart wanted to just burst and open up to someone I barely had any knowledge of. The most we talked when seperated was sexual things, and from my past expierences that was never a good sign, but WHY DID THIS FEEL DIFFERENT? Was it because he was a nurse I worked with? That I believed he didnt have the capacity to break me like anyone else could in this world? -sigh.- I slept with him that night, and the hormones our brains release during that time, started the attachment. But it also set the fear in that he would be like everyone else. I want to skip around so much because diving back into these memories have been nothing but haunting the last week, but I’m trying to remind myself that skipping details is skipping moments that could possibly heal you. As I’m writing this, I’m crying tears over this stupid guy. And calling him stupid isnt going to fix anything, because even though you guys have gotten to read down to this part, I just want to say he isnt bad at all. He didnt leave to be an asshole, he was physically ill, he had an addiction problem and I was his catnip. And asking him to stay wasnt just selfish of me, but it was deadly. I would of never forgiven myself if he relapsed because I pushed him too far. I know he cared about me, and the impression I’m giving of him already doesnt give that off, so I wanted to say that before I continued the rest of this story.

Anyways, weeks passed and James and I would have deep conversations about our lives, fantasies, dreams and things. He would care for me when I was sick, reach out and cushion the blows I would take from the break up I just endured. He would push me to take the stress of work and push through it, remind me that I’m doing it for the greater good, and that I was doing just fine. He calmed the storm in my mind for a brief period of time, while I rumbled the dark one in his. Sex and the connection we made was what he called “catnip” to him, and he tried to push me away and I pulled him right back in. Not only was I intoxicating to him, but he became just as much to me. Who wouldnt want someone who could protect them from the harsh of the world for some time?? To give them that freedom feeling that they have CRAVED to feel for years? Valentines day, he gave me 3 chokers, and they meant the absolute world to me. Not only were they ones I wanted, but they had meaning to me. They were heartfelt emotional presents, specially from him; and I felt I was flying. I think that night was the night I began the falling process, or well... I know I did. I stepped off the ledge after he told me to not move furniture into a house he was only renting. I refused to believe that, in my head I thought I could save him, that this would be different. And the signs he gave off, gave me the hope that just that was happening.

......this is the hardest part.....

The day after Valentines day, I woke up and in my stomach I felt something different. I felt like our connection was torn, I was depressed and I thought it was just maybe me. We talked all day, and everything seemed normal. But that night, when he got off his shift, he met me in the staircase at my work. The staircase where he would visit me before he left, where he told me how crazy he was for me, where we shared some of our best kisses.... The staircase I walked down to have my first in face conversation with him...I sat next to him... Him: “Hey buddy, how are you?” It always bothered me when he called me buddy, I wasnt his buddy. I was his Kitten, his baby... “I’m alright, how are you?” “Tired.” I wanted to just slump onto him and just melt. But I could feel the tension behind his words, that there was something that he wanted to say. “Are you still coming over Thursday?” “I don’t think thats going to be a good idea, buddy.” That last sentence shattered the world that he built up with me. I pressed on asking and he began to lightly tell me how what we built up was unhealthy for him, which I didn’t understand at that moment how it was unhealthy. How our relationship was bad for him, but I wasnt. His hazel eyes stared into mine, and I could feel that wall being built between us, I felt shut out. I tried clawing at that wall, pushing, hammering everything I could to get him to tell me why he was leaving. I sat on that second stair of the top while he stood below me, asking me to tell him to leave... I couldn’t. Telling him to leave was like telling myself to drown at that moment. How in such a short period of time could one person make me feel all this in a second. I didn’t grasp how we went from one moment of bliss, to.... hell. I’m still processing through this part, and it wasn’t until last night that it all made sense to me. James expressed so many times that he didn’t want to leave, but what we had was enticing his addictive nature, which could push him to relapse. And the only way to stop that, was to stop being with me. And I felt like I was so unhealthy for him at that point, no matter what he said. But it wasnt me, it was what we had. And there was no going back from that, you can’t just build up a relationship and then change it expecting it to change with you. So, you have to end it... Which is still hard on me, because I care deeply about him. And because I care deeply for him; I’ve started to let him distance from me.

I wrote him one final text last night expressing every little emotion I had for him, and apologizing for throwing his stuff out, which I regret so much now because I dont have an inch of his love in my house... just my bed still smells like him. I can’t count how many times I’ve thought about him in a day, or how I’m still picking pieces of our relationship apart to find solutions or how BADLY I fight with myself to text him, begging him to text me back. Even after we broke up, he still wanted to come take care of me... I invited a random guy over to poke at him when we broke up, and he still came over to calm the pain in my heart once the guy left. Who does that? Not only do I know that what we have was unhealthy for him, but by the way I acted when he hurt me, was how I knew I was unhealthy for not just him... but those around me.

Moral to this story, even though its not fully finished but this is as much as I want to dive into it today is that... people are lessons. And James was the one who left pain in my soul, and that pain finally opened my eyes to how dangerous I am to people, how much pain I actually feel. I’m so for healing those around me, and saving those who need it. But... I forgot about me. I forgot that I need those things too, from myself. As of right now, I havent texted him; I’ve kept my word to let him distance, and I think he’s finally removed me from snap chat so he wont look at my stories and have the craving to return.

As for me, well... this whole thing has made me realize that I need time to really heal and figure out me. I’ve been in and out of things in life, that I don’t think I’ve ever slowed down long enough to process what it is I’ve gone through.

Do I love James? I think I loved the idea of being with him, and the feelings he gave me.

Do I care about him? Yes, and because of that, I don’t want to get in the way of his recovery.

Do I hope we can ever become something? At this point I think it’s healthy to say that everyone hopes they can get back with the person who just left them . I do hope we can talk one day, i miss our conversations.

What’s next? Well, work today... I’m dreading the day we have to run into each other at work, but that day will come and when it does, I’m going to embrace it and push through.

I think thats enough for right now.

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