#( v; can we learn to loved again? l amnesia verse )

[fablesrose]

Of Kings and Shadows XIX

Description: Y/n, a girl who seems to have found her calling. Being a SHIELD agent is like a dream come true. With a friendship starting to form with the Avengers, she’s the Queen of the world! What could go wrong?

Pairings: Avengers x reader, Loki x reader (eventually)

Notes: On Wattpad –> Here

Masterlist

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tH2w6Oxx0kQ (Theme music)

And just like that, I watched what little was left of my life unravel, bit by bit.

At least, that's what I would say if I was graced with a mirror, but alas 'twas not so.

I started to think that I was unconscious more often than awake anymore. That's not to say that my body was unconscious, no. I started to feel this dark presence in my brain. It was always stronger when I woke up, so the only conclusion that I can come to is that it's the one in control while I'm not. The other scary thought is that it doesn't feel new like it's been in my head for far longer than it's been controlling. Maybe it's all of those intrusive thoughts, bringing out the worst in me all bundled up into an artificial intelligence type thing that I used to call Noxy. Maybe it's still her just amplified.

At first, I wondered if it was amnesia. Or maybe it was brainwashing. I've seen the files, they've done it before. But then I started to notice that Jaz always knew when I was awake. Maybe she just acted like that all the time despite the blackouts, but then I asked her about it. She said I moved differently, spoke a little funny. She said I wasn't quite me. I mean, I don't have first-hand experience in brainwashing or amnesia, but I'm pretty sure they don't change behaviors in-between splotches of memory blanks.

All I knew is there was nothing I could do about it. The harder I tried to grasp onto some bit of control, the faster the situation turned to smoke and slipped through my fingers.

Jasmine kept telling me that they would escort me out of the cell, but by the time I woke up, I was back in the presence of Jaz with no recollection of the meetings outside the room went like. The only trips that I could remember anymore were the times I was thrown into the lightroom. The times where I didn't want to remember, were the only times I could remember, and it was so frustrating. The light itself only brought exhaustion now. Henry noticed and he 'upgraded' the torture chamber. Now it administered shocks of electricity to increase the agony. I guess there was an upside in which I was never awake for the whole experience. I would blackout at some point and wake up what I'm assuming was a couple of days later.

I told myself I was going to fight through this. I was going to make it. But how do you fight against yourself? Suddenly those pills didn't look half bad. The only problem was that I wasn't awake enough to collect them. Jaz needed all the pain meds she could get, and I'm sure Noxy took the pills as quickly as they came, or even sent them back.

I decided I was going to make the most of what little time I had left. My sanity was slipping. My options were either to become as numb as my body; cry and scream, letting them win; or, I could sing. I could cherish what little time I had left. I could rebel against them in the only way I was able.

So any chance I got I would sing, and I'd laugh, and I'd smile.

"Hey, Jaz."

She looked over at me from examining the tips of her hair, "Hmm?"

"Do you know the song Get It On by T.Rex?" I couldn't help my mouth twitching up into a smile.

She scrunched up her face, "Yeah. Yeah, I do." She opened her eyes just to clarify, "Only the first verse and the chorus though."

I nodded at her, "same here."

"Well, you're dirty and sweet." I started singing, seeing if she would join in.

She left a pause, but eventually sang the next line, "Clad in black don't look back and I love you."

"You're dirty and sweet, oh yeah," I sang, laying the charm on thick.

"Well you're slim and you're weak." We both started giggling.

I had a hard time getting through the next line, "You've got the teeth of the hydra upon you."

There was quite a long pause where we were crying laughing. The irony was just too much to handle.

"You're dirty sweet and you're  my girl."

We sang the chorus together, "GET IT ON! BANG A GONG! GET IT ON!"

Neither of us could get through the rest of the song, mostly because we didn't know the rest, but maybe a little bit from the laughing fit we just couldn't stop.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVEhDrJzM8E

One song I had stuck in my head for so long that Jaz eventually learned all the words as well as me.

She even started singing it to me one night,

"You're leaving now It's in your eyes There's no disguising it It really comes as no surprise To find that you planned it all along.

"I see it now Becomes so clear Your insincerity And me all starry-eyed You'd think that I would have known by now."

It took me a little while to pull my head together. My eyes were drooping and looking at Jaz burned but despite that, I was able to continue the song after she took a breath.

"Now, sure as the sun will cross the sky This lie is over Lost, like the tears that used to tide me over."

Jaz picked up again and I let her smooth voice roll over me,

"One thing is sure That time will tell If you were wrong The brightest ring around the moon Will darken when I die."

I claimed this one stanza as my own and continued to sing it,

"Now, sure as the sun will cross the sky This lie is over Lost, like the tears that used to tide me over."

I could tell Jaz was having a rough night as her voice started to get thick.

"You're leaving now It's in your eyes There's no disguising it It really comes as no surprise To find that you planned it all along

"I see it now Becomes so clear Your insincerity And me all starry-eyed You'd think that I would have known by now."

I found myself finding it harder and harder to keep my eyes open, and my voice reflected it, becoming quieter.

"Now, sure as the sun will cross the sky This lie is over Lost, like the tears that used to tide me over."

Jaz, in turn, got quieter as well, but since she was on her side and facing me I could hear her loud and clear.

"You're on your own Inside your room,"

I had my eyes open enough to notice that she rolled over and it seemed like she was staring at the camera that was ever watching us.

"You're claiming victory You were just using me And there is no one you can use now."

I couldn't hold my eyes open any longer and felt myself drifting asleep as she sang the last lines.

"One thing is sure That time will tell."

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFZ3Qhn5dW8

That was the last time I saw Jasmine Okoro.

I woke up paralyzed. Stuck inside my own head. My body was moving of its own accord and no matter what I did I couldn't stop it. I finally got to really witness what I acted like when I wasn't awake. Strangely, I couldn't see everything either. It was like I had blinders on. I was looking through binoculars at what my hands were doing. I was sitting on my bed doing absolutely nothing. I could tell I was in a different room. The cots in my previous cell were bolted to the ground and the wall. This new room had only one bed, the one I was sitting on, and no evidence of there ever being a cot across from mine. The walls were perfectly white, the floor, perfectly smooth, at least, that's what I could tell without being able to control where my eyes were placed.

There was a dark cloud in my mind, surrounding me. When I stayed in the little corner of my head that I was shoved into, the fog was numbing, soft, but constricting. I tried to break out, move through it, but when I tried it became as strong and hard as a brick wall. No matter how hard I pounded on it, it didn't give. No matter how hard I screamed, there was silence.

So I sat there. And I thought. And I thought. And I cried with no tears.

I felt empty.

Occasionally Noxy would move around, and I now knew that I wasn't just forgetting. When she did move I took in as much of my surroundings as I would allow. She tenderly touched my inner elbow where I saw a new bruise. A black one. When her fingers brushed against it I could feel the pain shoot through the nerves and I flinched. But my body didn't.

A sense of dread overtook me. The wall came closer. I've seen the movies, read the files, heard the stories. This isn't gonna end well.

The door opened nearly silently, so much different than the room before. Noxy barely tilted my head to see who came in.

Henry walked in and sat on the bed next to me since there wasn't any other place to sit. Noxy scooted over to give him room and just looked at him. He examined my face for a long while, and I equally did so to him. What was he thinking? Did he know that I was still here? Or was he not happy with what I had become and was just going to get rid of me and start from scratch?

I couldn't tell.

After an agonizingly long time, he spoke, "If everything went according to plan..." He tilted his head a degree, "Mistress is either gone or locked away so far in that pretty little head of yours that she's never coming out. If you are still in there Mistress... you should be awake by now and I know you're listening."

It felt like he was staring right at me. Not my body or Noxy, but me. Y/n M/n L/n. It was unsettling.

"We tried something different with you. Others are content with their brainwashing and memory wipes, but not for me and not for you," he gently tapped the tip of my nose and I desperately wanted to recoil. "It's just sanding the paint and putting a new coat on. The previous color is still there, you just can't see it. With you, it's more like deciding to put a brick wall in front of the drywall. It's a lot harder to go back if instead of peeling paint, it's grouted in." He paused, still staring into my eyes before lightening up, "But anyway," he took hold of my hand and I felt my lips widen into a polite smile, "I just came to see how you were settling in, and it looks like it's nicely."

He let my hand fall as he stood up and walked back to the door, right as he was about to step out he looked back at me. No, back at her. "Congrats on becoming my Queen."

Then, out of nowhere, my mouth opened, but my voice didn't come out. It felt different. Sounded different. It sounded... better, stronger, darker, everything I'm sure Henry wanted me to be.

"Thank you for having me, my King."

[complexitiiesarchived]

@goodbyebarry / @steeledwill

He loved her. That much he knew. While he didn't remember her, still. While he didn't remember the life that they once had, they were starting over again. Making a new life for themselves. Despite not knowing their past, she's still apart of his present and his future and he couldn't be happier. He loved her and he loves her. Despite the lack of memories he's grown to love her just as he once did. I'm the face of adversity she's continued to shine brightly. Continuing to be the beacon of hope in his life, where the darkest corners of his mind continue to lurk. He's the luckiest man alive to be able to have her in his life. She's kind, beautiful and brilliant. Whatever he did to deserve a second chance with her, he'll never understand. But he's eternally grateful for it. Hands cupped her cheeks as he leaned in to press a kiss to her lips. "I love you, you know that." He said softly as slight chuckle fell from his lips. There's no reason behind his words. He just feels the need to tell her that as often as possible because if anything, she deserves to be told.

[complexitiiesarchived]

❛ there are some secrets i will take to my grave, but i don’t want loving you to be one of them. ❜

meme l accepting @goodbyebarry

he doesn’t expect her confession. now that he doesn’t know how she’s felt about him. but with everything that’s happened. and with their time apart, he’s not sure if she still holds the same feelings for him. he doesn’t believe he’s even worth the love she does still hold for him. he’s silent for a moment. lips pressed into a thin line before lips curve at the corners. a grin now upon his lips. his head tilted a bit. “well, i do hope you’re not keepin’ any other secrets from me patty spivot.” he said with a light chuckle. hoping the lightness in his tone will defuse the momentary silence that passed between her confession and him finally speaking. “i love you, to the moon and back, always.” he said with a breath. while she can’t see it, the grin hasn’t left his lips since he started speaking. she’s always had the affect on him. he can’t help but smile even if he’s just on the phone with her, just hearing her voice.