#( the truth comes out i AM a kinnie ) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

desceros · 10 months ago

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hi 👋🏼 you've probably seen me in your notes before (i check your blog, like... every day - both for updates and to see all of the wonderful fan art and stuff you reblog, like a lot of other people do, apparently). i've sent you asks on anon in the past 'cause i'm so very shy (with people in general, not just you), but lately, i've been thinking about finally being a Big Brave Boy and coming off anon, and now! i am! doing that!

i just wanted to say that i typically avoid Fem!Reader fics 'cause i am, uh, very much not a woman and it often will activate my dysphoria (no offense to people who like those terms but every time i hear "flower" or "petals" be used to describe a vagina, i die a little bit more inside). However. the way that you write the Reader character - especially in Symphony - is... how do i put this... i'm able to sort of distance myself in a way where i can still put myself in her shoes without feeling the ick i feel with most other Fem!Readers. i think you phrased it best when you described her as something along the lines of falling between an OC and the reader themselves

of course, sometimes i still do get that feeling - it's not completely inescapable, sadly - but 1. it's far more tolerable with your work and 2. i enjoy it too much to want to stop reading it

ALSO. you 🫵🏽 are to blame for turning me into a Leo Girlie™️ (gender neutral). Just a little. 🤏🏽 i'm too much of a Donnie kinnie/lover to not want to punch him 99% of the time. but you made me CONSIDER the fact that MAYBE he's hot and MAYBE i kind of want to fuck him. whatever

anyway, i said far more words than i meant to, but i know that you don't mind long asks, so i won't be apologizing for that. i love everything that you write (Euclidean Line and Electromigration are so. they're everything to me) and i'm both excited for and dreading the new Symphony update! take care of yourself, including that wrist! ♡ ～('▽^人)

rahh!!! pops a party popper welcome to the off-anon club!!! :D

there are people out there who write male readers if that's what you're looking for, but they're a lot less common for sure. it's unfortunate!

for me, i like writing female readers mostly because female eroticism to me is. hhhhh. well. i'm really into making girls come. hehe

that said! i'm glad that you find them more readable! i have a few gender-neutral fics around, which as an enby myself is something i just gotta do sometimes. girls are great, but you need a good they-slash-them on your resume. nods.

EXCELLENT on the leo girlie (gn) thing, mwahaha! truth be told, i would be leonardo hamato number one fan were it not for the fact that rise donnie was actually built in a vat specific to my taste. chin hands at both of them but a little bit harder at donnie oops

anywho, thanks for the sweet words!! always fun to talk to people C:

#ask tag

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just-osomatsu · 2 years ago

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callout post on mod rat

hey guys, mod plastic here, I know you guys like @\mod rat and all that but this is a callout post on them.

it all started on april the 7th (6th for you americans out there). you might not know this, but I am an og enstarrie (*ensemble stars fan) who's been in the fandom since the beginning. my one sole wish was for any one of my friends to also become an enstarrie so I had someone to share my joys and wonders of the world of virtual male idols with. none of my friends like hypmic. none of my friends like paradox live. none of my friends like argonavis. none of my friends like twisted wonderland. none of my friends like enstars. well, one does, but they're a trickstarP and ra*bitsP so naturally they are my enemy moreso than my friend.

on april 7th (*6th for americanos), my best friend, my kinnie enabler, the consumer of my plastic antics for the past [looks at clock attached to my cup-sized red cup body] I don't fucking know how many years it feels like forever

mod rat downloaded enstars.

"finally," I said to myself "finally I got one"

it was gonna be perfect, I thought, I finally had someone to unleash all my contained lore information on, finally I had someone to overanalyse shumika with, finally I could be a merumeruP in public and build my anti-tatsumi army with its second follower.

it was going to be perfect. I had thought.

I thought wrong.

april 23rd (アメリカでは22日), the first catastrophe happened.

oh no...

no....

Devastated, I rolled over to the corner of my dusty shelf, wallowing with the other abandoned cups.

I began to mumble to myself, trying to reason with this truth, "Well, Rinne is kinda problematic, I can see why some don't like him."

I thought I could come to terms with it. I thought I could live with this.

After all, what is a virtual singing boy compared to a strong bond between two mates-

....................

"A- at least I can still talk about merumeru with them, right-"

What are we in this world but a mere stack of red cups at a teenage party, ready to tumble at any moment and spill whatever drink we may or may not contain over some parents' carpet flooring?

In a world where plastic straws and bags are replaced by paper, corn and bamboo - were do we cups stand? Where do we go?

Life is supposed to have its ups and downs. But for plastic like myself?

Are we to be recycled, or not to be...

A wise man once said;

But what the fuck does Ray know? Dude's probably a TatsumiP.

#mod plastic

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moonstonehailstorm · 1 year ago

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I don't know why I did this, but I scrolled way back to 2012, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 and 18 of your timeline. I spent more than an hour reading your tweets, because back then I had that alternate account and...

You well know what you did when you liked so many tweets not so long ago. Ok, you didn't, but you moved something. Because you always move something.

I hate it.

I want to shake that feeling because I hate the amount of time you spend in my mind. So here it goes:

Back to the timeline.

I wanted to recall the time we shared cryptic messages across our feeds, answering tweets with very obvious flirtatious stuff. But mostly, I need to take you out of my mind again.

But I went too far. Too far back in time... And found it: the goddamn tweet where you said you wanted to kiss me, alongside that stupid "you're my mental crush" thing. Who says something like that? It's like... I knew back then you liked me. But inserting that mental whatever makes it the most confusing thing ever. And yet, I agreed to go along with it just enough to become the first crack in my heart.

I kept scrolling. Found more "I miss you so much", "I wished you stayed to sleep", "She (your gf) ruined our videogame afternoon", "I think about you all the time", "You can count on me", "I'm always here for you"...

And alongside all of this nonsense, double-message, ridiculous posts, there were the lustful tweets about your lover, the desire and longing you felt for other women, and how much you hated but couldn't leave your girlfriend...

I played a little bit more for a while. I spent several years in that account, mostly because I like this flirting game we had. That stupid game which now I wonder if it was just to keep me you entertained...

There was another tweet, the one where I was trying to tell you which song reminded me of you. It still does, you know? Not because I feel that way anymore, but mostly because I assigned you that song in my weird way of processing stuff.

And I felt the sudden urge to tell you, sending you a DM and say "hey, remember there was a song that reminded me of you years ago? Well, it's Do I Wanna Know. Funny, right? Just felt you had to know, because I don't want to know anymore".

But of course I didn't. And I won't. Or maybe one day when we meet in a cafe you'll know.

This won't be the last time I wanted to tell you which your song is. You can't imagine how many times I had to refrain myself...

This will pass, as it always does. Maybe I'll dream of you again tonight, or one of these days when I have already stopped thinking about you and my subconscious mind just pops you in out of the blue.

I don't like you anymore.

Though, when I fall for someone, I fall for years to come. I can count with one hand the people I've fallen hard, and you're one of them. That's a truth I cannot change and that's why it's so hard to just kick you out for good.

Hey, Crowley kinnie here, obviously.

I closed that account 2 years ago.

I started to feel anxious about being discovered, and you started to say horrible things about my relationship, like a reflection of your own failed one. It was so stupid to keep it going, so I closed it for good without saying a word. The amount of relief I felt... It was the right thing to do.

Although, there are these things that baffle me still because you explicitly said them to me and in moments like these I remember them: you said you love how I am, how I get so passionate about the stuff I like, all the things I create, how talented I am, that my heart is dark, yes, yet loyal and caring, that you fucking liked me... And I've always denied the way you looked at me whenever I talked to you, because some people noticed it and asked me what was going on because it was kind of obvious you were attracted to me... So, I'll never, never understand why you just saw me like a fucking mental state.

...Well, I think I know. I live in the closet and you despise that. I knew you couldn't accept that. I knew you wouldn't want me to deny you in front of my family. You didn't want to take the shot. And, you know what? That's valid. But then why played with me for so long?

You still do sometimes. You still say sweet words to me and that you miss me so badly... But never make an effort to set a date or go out for some coffee. That was me. It was always me who did that. And I don't care anymore.

But you know what? I'll be forever greatful for the time you saw me walking out from therapy, from the worst session I've ever had, feeling in my lowest, and you caught I needed help and invited me to grab some coffee with you and a girl who very clearly wanted it to be just both of you. I'm remembering now and I'm genuinely smiling... You saved me that night.

And I'll always cherish hate the time I was sitting next to the uni entrance watching my phone, and you passed by and touched my face gently to grab my attention, and then left saying "bye" as you walked away. Because I've always known you liked me. But I've always known you're a player.

From time to time I scroll your alt account, just to check if you still keep it alive, and mostly to see if you used to write like you did back then. You haven't. I know in my heart you used it that much because of me, and you've always loved to talk with me. You still do. I know you miss me that much. If you wrote back then you "read my tweets twice", I have no doubt you still do. But all you do now is repost and reply. And you've never used your alt, always your main... But hey, both are you anyways.

I love the likes anyway, keep them coming.

Just so you know: I was sure in my heart, mind and soul that I wanted everything with you. I was willing to leave it all... Until I finally understood I was just an idea for you, an idea of a falling, an idea of sharing deep feelings with someone, an idea of kissing, an idea at last. And all I said was real, as clear as day, as raw as it is. I fell for you and it lasted years and years, up until the very end. Until I closed that alt account for good because I got tired of just being an illusion for you, a mental state where you could come back, throw some random sweet words and expect me to react. I decided to leave your toxic trail. I escaped on time.

I'm done throwing up all of this. I feel better now... One day you'll know your song, I promise, because when you do, that day the leftovers of the feelings I have for you will finally be shattered and long gone.

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llatimeria · 2 years ago

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asking on behalf of a friend but how do you make a fursona. like. does it HAVE to be an animal you identify with or can you just be like yea that species is fucking RAD. friend is also not artistic and def wants to commission an artist but just isn't sure how to lay the groundwork before all that. anyway any pointers would be cool!

I HATE THAT MOBILE MAKES ME MISS ASKS SO OFTEN i hope this hasn't been loitering in my askbox for too long anon I am so sorry

the #1 rule of fursona crafting is that there are no rules. your fursona doesn't have to be anything, except something you like. sometimes that means your sona is an animal you really relate to and sometimes your sona is just a creature you find fuckin awesome and sometimes for you that's gonna be the same animal. thats how coelacanths are for me! i both have kinnie feels for them and also think they're just really cool animals.

don't be afraid to hybridize or use fictional creatures also. there is no law that says your fursona can't be bigfoot with tits wider than they are tall. live your truth.

as for more detailed design tips i'd suggest...

pick a small color palette (usually for me that'll be 4 or 5 colors but again. there are no rules. use the whole goddamn rainbow if ye wish) and sticking to it. if you google "color palette generator" you get a half a dozen ways to do this, anywhere from hand-picking each individual color to randomizing it to uploading an image and having it make a color palette out of that it's pretty cool.

do you have a Vibe? an Aesthetic? a Special Interest or Hyperfixation? are you Goth and Like Moths or are you more of a cottagecore kinda guy? make a moodboard of your ideal Energies (or the energy you're imagining for your sona, if it's different/more specific than yours). give this to the artist/s you commission!!!!

even if you're not super artistically inclined you're welcome to use basic free to use bases to get a rough design down that a commissioned artist could later refine and customize specifically for you! dw if it looks like shit, every artist ever once drew like absolute shit, we get it

also a lot of artists take reference commissions and will make a nice pretty ref sheet for you! you don't even always need a shitton of information beforehand, i know ppl can and will take commissions like "can you draw a ref sheet of a red anthro cat with green paw socks and blue paw pads? thx" (but always ask politely, bc some artists aren't interested in doing something That vague, which is fair as Artistic Liberty can be stressful!!). to many people tho if you come to them with a color pallette, a moodboard, and an open mind, they'll be super willing to work with you!

#also commission my fiancee rosie v-pet!#they have character design comms open 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

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hms-no-fun · 3 years ago

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what's your opinion on fictives of characters in godfeels who haven't really broadly been definied yet? obviously i doubt you'd be judgmental based on other opinions you've expressed but id really like to hear your perspective on this

it's been interesting, that's for sure! i was fully prepared for folks to either be disinterested in or actively dislike my OCs, so for them to not only be broadly liked but also introjected to multiple systems frankly came as a really vindicating surprise! one of the reasons i parceled out info about the upsilons so slowly over 3.1 was to give them a psychological presence in the reader’s mind from a distance so that, when they became an actual narrative presence, they’d have a context within which to understand and theorize about them. apparently it worked! so that’s cool.

i’ll start by saying that my approach to fictives across the board is pretty much the same as my approach to any other fan in the discord. i may have written the source material, and i may know things about these characters that no one else will for a long time, but the characters i’m writing aren’t the fictives in my readership. does that make sense? my knowledge of Edie, for instance, doesn’t have much at all to do with any given Edie fictive because said fictive already exists; and if that Edie fictive exists, i have to assume it’s because something in the text resonated enough to allow for her introjection; thus that fictive, IN MY NON-AUTHORITATIVE OPINION, is a snapshot of that particular system’s (or someone therein’s) conception of Edie at the moment of her introjection. and that’s really fucking cool actually???? like, just from a purely practical standpoint, you have NO idea how useful it is for me as a writer to have such direct barometers of the audience’s perception of a character at any given moment in their story! the fact that there are so many upsilon fictives running around makes me really happy & excited to finally get to 3.2, not least because generally y’all aren’t too far off characterization-wise. which, you know, is one of those things that tells me i’ve done my job well and that i’m on the right track with my schemes and machinations... and that’s the least important thing i get out of the arrangement!

sure, it can be surreal reading back over a server channel where one Lenore, two Edies, two Danas, and half a dozen Junes are all theorizing about Silverbark’s behavior amongst themselves, but would it really be a materially different circumstance if they weren’t fictives? i don’t blink when a bunch of furries start awooing in a server i’m in. i don’t even blink when furries start awooing in real life! i mean, god, what’s the alternative? redditors?? fuck that shit, i’ll take the plural homestuck queers any day of the week.

there have been times when i’ve seen a fictive just be completely outright wrong about a characterization or detail, and i’ve really had to resist the urge to correct them. like what am i gonna do, say “you’re wrong about who you are”??? it wouldn’t just be a spoiler to correct them in most cases, it’d also be... idk, insulting? at least it seems like it would be insulting. i’m certainly insulted when cis people tell me i’m not performing femininity correctly! and there is a part of me who finds that worrisome. the truth come out eventually, you know? and there’s some stuff we might not be getting to for another year or more. what happens when a fictive solidifies their sense of self around a misconception that doesn’t get disproven for months and months?? what do i do if a fictive insists that my interpretation of their source character is wrong when they’ve lived as that character for a while?????

these are the kinds of breathless paranoid questions that always come up among artists with or in a fandom. and there’s a reason for that, you know? when i first started the godfeels fanserver, i was EXTREMELY wary. plural folks, kinnies, obsessive fans, they’ve got a bad reputation for causing drama! or well, they do among artists who consider themselves Normal wink wink nudge nudge. but what i found the more time i spent in the fanserv was that, like every category of identity, there’s nothing inherent to plurality or fictivity that guarantees immaturity or emotional volatility. there’s a part of me that wants to point at how many plural folks in fandom circles are teens or in their early 20s, and that generally online drama is a result of adults and children being expected to share all of the same online spaces... but that youthfulness holds true for the godfeels community and i’ve found y’all to be a remarkably mature readership!

it’s not helpful to point at circumstances outside of one’s control as the reason somebody is “bad” or whatever. if the problem is cultural conservatism, or artistic malnutrition, or an individual trauma response, or a simple misunderstanding, or just outright vindictiveness, you address THOSE things. and it’s my responsibility as an artist who chose to create a central community hub for my readership to do my best in addressing any situations that might arise with empathy and compassion. frequent users of any community hub like a discord server develop habits based on the rules of the space and how they are/aren’t enforced. if for instance you go to the HSD [do not do this under any circumstances even as a joke], you’ll find that positive discussions about most fandom projects get swallowed up by ridicule almost immediately- and not just ridicule of the project in question, but often of the person who posted it too! this creates a self-perpetuating environment of hostility where the best way to get in the good graces of community leadership is to be an edgelord. for my money, that’s why the homestuck fandom is Like That.

i’ve tried to encourage the exact opposite of this, as inspired by the success of the late Perfectly Generic Podcast server (where the godfeels fanserv’s vibes-based rules are largely taken from, may she rest in peace), and i think that’s worked out well overall? because now when an issue arises within the community, more often than not the consistent users naturally de-escalate the situation! granted, the godfeels fandom as such isn’t particularly big, and the necessary wordcount buy-in to even GET to my OCs is high enough that it naturally selects out a lot of folks who might have caused problems, so this level of community stewardship is a whole hell of a lot easier to accomplish than it might be otherwise.

wow, this answer went way off the fucking rails. what the hell was i... oh yeah! you asked me my thoughts on fictives of characters we don’t know very well yet. here, let me answer that for you.

i think fictives are beautiful, and i wish them the world. my dearest hope for any fictive, regardless of what is Known about their source character, is that they grow beyond their lateral connection to the source material. not abandon it, necessarily! but what i find so existentially fascinating about fictives isn’t really all that removed from one of the major driving forces of godfeels: one’s capacity to become Yourself. who is Edie, or Dana, or Lenore, or Alphi? who were they at 13? at 21? at 29? compare the youngest self with the oldest self and you might not even be able to tell that they’re supposed to be the same character. one reason godfeels has become such an ensemble production is precisely because much of said ensemble has undergone some amount of change, and given homestuck’s obsession with The Ultimate Self i just find that too compelling to not explore at length.

so like, if a Dana fictive is out of character from my perspective, that’s great! in case it wasn’t clear from the text of chapter 8, i am Not A Fan of unchanging & all-consuming character archetypes. in point of fact, i believe that divergence is a virtue. i believe that identity is a buffet at a playground for everyone. i believe that any person who chooses to live truer to themself than they were raised to do is braver than every cop and every troop on planet earth. i believe that human culture is an ecology of change. i believe that deciding you are a Finished Person who has learned every important lesson and acquired every necessary skill is tantamount to taking up early residence in your own grave. so really, my dream is to live in a world where EVERY fictive is as spectacularly in or out of character as they like! the hope with the Risk/Dare & Angel Dirk chapters was to give all readers, but especially fictives, a context and toolset for handling divergence conceptually, philosophically, narratively, emotionally, personally. because i don’t think it’s just the characters of this story who compel introjection, but the nature of the text itself- so, by extension, all i want is for any given fictive to feel permitted to become whoever it is they might be now that they’ve left the source text. i would vastly prefer a legion of singularly feral Edies over a well-reasoned community consensus on what Is or Is Not in character, you know?

which isn’t to say that the facts don’t matter or that i dislike reasoned community discussion btw! i love close analysis and eager back-and-forths trading text snippets and piecing together the godfeels mysteries pepe silvia style. but i believe there is room for both. there must be.

so, uh, in short i guess: you’re doing great and i’m very proud of you. keep up the good work.

#godfeels #homestuck #fictives #introject #did system #plurality #plural community #plural stuff #dana straten #edie halley #alphi apexis #lenore lehart #june eg8ert #oops i spent way too long writing this #if the ch8 epilogue doesn't come out this year blame this asker #just kidding don't do that #sarahposts

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darlingpwease · 3 years ago

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for my love, because what difference does it make if I make a separate post or send it with tags, you will still receive it in the feed pies <3

you know you know what.

i dont ehehehehhehe </3 /j

i should be liking myself too

??? "should"?

sho my feline emperor it seemed to me that in some previous conversation we talked about how with your appearance you should kiss your reflection in the mirror because nothing could be more handsome than you🤨

we definitely talked about it more than once, and it seemed to me that we had come to a compromise that I was right.

and I'm not talking about your personality because I'm sure that you already know about how precious and wonderful you are. of course, I am ready to remind you of this at any time of the day or night, but the painting remains a work of art no matter how often critics call it or don't call it that, and I, as a critic, am confident in my review.

sus words from you lovely

* besides, you have the cutest cats in the world </3

dark haired man with dark circles deep enough to cook soup in

I couldn't help but highlight it separately because it made me laugh thank you </333 /pos

you still have a cute hairstyle let's not forget about it it's important!!!1!111!!

i have a backstory fucked up enough that if i were a fictional character; / my fandom would probably write a 200k word tumblr post about it / is it in my defense or to slander me as the twitter stans do?

another problematic fav- ok understandable

"is it in my defense or to slander me as the twitter stans do?" my my twitter still better than if the fandom makes you a baby and carries you in their arms & attacks everyone who writes smut or makes you not so infantile, because that's the definition of what I would do </3 /hj

"i have a backstory fucked up enough that if i were a fictional character" I've changed my mind I don't want to cry

listen, but your story is directly proportional to your popularity, so there would be 400k words with a note of the smallest details and this post about you would go beyond the fandom and you can be proud of it because you are charming and deserve to be heard about outside, okay??? /pos /ser

the main thing is that netflix does not decide to make a series about you </3 /j

thats the thrill of it all

</3

you may think I'm joking, but honey, we both know the truth </3

the men i like and i are too similar

oh, I know it's called "projection"- shshhs sorry;;; but it actually sounds like that, looking at how sweetly you love your men, you know? I don't want to say something offensive, but I almost non-ironically recommend that thing with a doll that looks like you /ser

okay, no kidding, my singbird, this is really good, because, you know, each of us has our own ways to know ourselves and learn to love ourselves — for example, I'm looking for myself in characters that have absolutely nothing to do with me, because I hate everything that reminds me of "me", so your way to me like it a lot more /ser /pos

i see what you did...

I immediately remembered his words sjdgshhs [ 2:09 ]

only pushed you to these thoughts, nothing more my love <3 /teasing

i should've known when i found out i was a kaeya kinnie / a KAEYA KINNIE above all

*I wanted to make a joke, but I cleaned up after thinking about it, so there will be nothing but bingo here*

this isn't double homicide anymore its genocide of my dignity

ajsgsjshAJSGJSHSJSHS SORRY I-

"genocide of my dignity" gosh love it sounds like sho-meone needs a tight hug and a warm drink;;;

I'm ready to volunteer;;;;;;;

#[📂] — voice from under the bed #❖.my jewelry

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hopelesshawks · 4 years ago

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Official Accounts Part 36- Fight Club Shit

Summary: (y/n) was perfectly happy remaining anonymous, even if her best friends were all pro heroes and she worked under THE Hawks. Handling the technical aspects of hero work from the background suited her just fine, thank you very much. That goes out the window when suddenly her twitter blows up thanks Denki and the famed no. 2 hero is asking her to run his own official twitter as a result

If you don’t want to see Official Accounts content blacklist #hopelessoa

Masterlist

“Wait, wait, wait what did you think they were planning?” Mina laughs. “I’m not gonna keep rehashing the story if everyone’s gonna keep laughing at me,” you protest. “I believe the words she used were ‘fight club shit’,” Denki cackles beside you. “Well excuse me for being incredibly suspicious of anything Hawks and Bakugo are trying to plan together that they think I can’t know about. It’s not like one of them has anger issues and both of them are competitive or anything,” you shoot back. “Hey dumbass! Who the fuck are you saying has anger issues?” Bakugo yells from your living room. “Technically you’re the one who identified yourself with anger issues, I didn’t name names!” you shout back. “Keep talking shit, see what happens.” “You wanna fight Kacchan? Let’s rumble!”

Before you can make good on your threat a pair of familiar arms are wrapping around your waist from behind. “I sat through that whole lecture on how I better not be ‘on that fight club shit’ with Bakugo not even an hour ago and now here you are picking fights,” Hawks teases. “Does it really count as picking a fight when it’s completely justified?” you fire back as you turn to face your boyfriend. “Yes, yes it does,” he laughs. “Whatever, he totally would have it coming.” “And then you’d both feel guilty about it for weeks.” “Hey! You’re not supposed to be able to read us like that yet!” you protest. “(Y/n) you are an open book written for very dumb children. It’s not that hard to read you,” Shinso cuts in. “Wooow, isn’t this supposed to be my party? Why am I being bullied right now?” “You make it so easy sometimes,” Kiri admits as he walks into the kitchen to grab more beers for the pong table he and Bakugo had set up. “Et tu brute?” you gasp dramatically. “You know we say it with love,” he laughs. “Hawks, Denki, you guys coming?” he adds as he walks out the room. Both men call out a yes, leading Shinso to grab his drink quickly before Denki drags him out of the kitchen. “You and Denki pong partners?” you ask as your boyfriend presses a quick kiss to your cheek before releasing you to follow the others out to the pong table. “Yep, you gonna root for us?” Hawks asks cheekily as he backs out of the kitchen. “Hmm, I don’t know. Kiri and Kacchan are pretty good. I’ll have to think it over and get back to you later,” you tease. Hawks shakes his head fondly but still throws you a smile and a wink before finally joining the others, leaving just you and Mina in the kitchen.

“I feel so aggressively single right now wow,” Mina jokes. “Your person is out there somewhere,” you assure her. “See that? That’s the kinda cheesy shit only people in relationships say,” she points out. “Well it’s true!” you laugh. “You guys are really good for each other, huh?” “I think so.” “I’m really, really happy for you. You deserve it.” “Thanks Mina. We should do a girl’s night soon. It’s been a long time since we’ve hung out just the two of us.” “You sure Hawks will let me steal you away for an entire night?” “I’d like to see him try to stop us.” That makes Mina laugh. “Fair enough. Speaking of, you may need to go celeb shot for your mans. Looks like he and Denki are getting crushed,” she points out. You turn around to look out towards the game and laugh when you see she’s right. “Let me go save my boyfriend and best friend from humiliating defeat then,” you laugh before quickly finishing off what’s left of your drink and walking out to join them.

Alas even your help can’t save Denki and Hawks and eventually they wind up defeated. Almost immediately Hawks is demanding a rematch and you can’t help but laugh as he and Bakugo start bickering. It’s a dynamic you were still adjusting to in all honesty. When you had considered the ways Hawks would fit into your friend group way back when you’d invited him to stay with you, you hadn’t anticipated he and Bakugo becoming friends. It was always a pleasant surprise when you’d discover the two of them were running a patrol together or if you’d catch one texting the other. They still bickered and if you asked either of them they’d probably deny their budding bromance but it still made you happy all the same.

Bakugo wasn’t the only one who had gotten close with Hawks. He and Denki had become close as well. You think it’s because Denki has never been opposed to filling silences. On days when Keigo is annoyed or stressed, when the pressures of being number two are particularly intense, he knows he can meet up with Denki and not have to say a word. He can just sit and listen as Denki rambles on and on about whatever his latest obsession is. On days he does feel like contributing, he’s down to debate even the weirdest hypotheticals Denki can come up with. You already have the sneaking suspicion that even if things end between you and Hawks, the two of them will stay close.

You’re pulled out of your musings when Hawks walks up and grabs your hand. “What’s got you thinking so hard little dove?” he asks. “Nothing really, I’m just happy,” you reply with a soft smile. He practically melts at the sight. “C’mon with me to the balcony, I wanna give you something,” he says as he gently tugs you in that direction. You follow behind as your curiosity blooms, but no matter how much you ask him what it is he ignores you until the two of you are alone on the balcony in the night air.

You wait for him to say something, knowing by now that it’s always best to just give him time to gather his thoughts. His eyes stay trained on the sky even as he finally begins speaking. “I know we haven’t gotten to see each other as much because so much of my work has been out of the office lately,” he finally admits. “It’s ok, I know how it is,” you shrug. “Yea but it’s a little weird after seeing each other almost all day every day while I was taking time off,” he replies. “Yea we got a little spoiled,” you laugh. “I miss having tea with you in the evening.” “Ugh yes. I miss you making breakfast for me in the morning, early bird.” “I miss you being there for me if I have a nightmare. I miss you playing music while you get dressed or do chores around the apartment. I miss you being the first person I see in the morning and the last I see at night,” he confesses into the quiet night. “Kei? What’re you saying?” you ask, sensing the subtle shift in the atmosphere that tells you he’s more serious than you’d initially thought. He finally turns to face you as he pulls a key out of his pocket and holds it out to you. “Will you move in with me?” he asks in a breath, the words seeming so delicate somehow, as if afraid they’ll fracture the fragile moment he’s created on this balcony with you.

Your heart stops and then immediately begins to race. It may seem like such a simple thing from the outside, a small step forward in your rapidly progressing relationship. Something that may seem like an obvious next step considering this whole thing started in part as a result of him temporarily living with you. You know the truth though. This is his “think fast”. This is his way of showing you just how much he trusts you, just like him telling you his real name was. Not only is he saying he wants you in his space, his home, but he wants you to be a part of it. “You ok there?” Keigo asks and god he sounds so nervous. But you’re realizing you’ve been quiet too long now so finally you nod your head frantically and take the offered key. “Yes! Of course Kei, I would love to move in with you. My answer is yes,” you laugh. “Jesus Kid, you had me worried for a second there,” he huffs but he’s grinning too as he pulls you in for a sweet and passionate kiss. Even once your lips part he keeps you close, his forehead pressed to yours as he lets himself truly relish in the fact he gets to have you.

“So when can I move in?” you all but whisper into the space between you. “How about tomorrow?” he suggests. “My lease on this place doesn’t run out for another month Kei,” you respond, pulling back a little so he can see you roll your eyes. “And? Bakugo and I could use it for our Fight club shit,” he grins. “Oh my god, you’re the worst,” you groan. You try pushing him away but Keigo doesn’t let you get too far, laughing as he pulls you back close to him again. “Nah, you love me,” he teases you. You shake your head but sober back up a little, looking him in his beautiful golden eyes as you say, “I do. I love you Keigo Takami.” “I love you too (y/n) (y/l/n).”

You don’t know exactly what’s in store for the two of you from here on out, but whatever it is you’re glad he’ll be by your side through it.

Author’s Note: I know beer pong is a very American thing but I feel like Kirishima saw it in an American movie and from then on insisted it be included at parties. Also bonus points if you caught the Umbrella Academy reference. On a more serious note this is it. The final chapter of Official Accounts. I’m so incredibly touched by all the love this fic has received and I’m so grateful to all of you who’ve supported me by reading, liking, and reblogging it. This became so much larger than I thought it would but I’m so happy to have gone on this little journey with you all. I love each and every one of you and hope you’ll stick around to see what I write next ❤️

Thanks for reading everyone! ❤️❤️❤️

Taglist [closed]: @cathy8taffy @katzurras @grumpyfroggies @captaincyberqueen @itskindofafairything @420-uwu @someweirdshitman @oliviasslut @the-adzukibean @jupiter-is-a-sero-kinnie @ladyzayismultifandom @pixelwisp

#hopelessoa #hawks #wing hero hawks #hawks x reader #hawks x y/n #hawks smau

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miikoos · 3 years ago

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HI SENSEN <33 HAPPY 50 THOUSAND MUAH😋😋😋 + M HERE FOR THE MATCHUPS <3

i’m moon and i go by they/them (or he/they pronouns)!! i look for someone who can handle my horrible moodswings (borderline anger issues) and be weird w me. someone who’ll take pinterest couple photos w me and not be bothered by how i like to have dates around sunset/night time instead of during the day!!

+ i would like my player to be from haikyu !!! i’m kind of stubborn and really competitive, and when around certain people, can be a public nuisance and menace to society 🗿 i like to draw and i make horrible jokes (i am also a kaeya kinnie) </3 i space out too much for my own good and once again, mood swings 🗿 i’m surprisingly more of a logical person but i feel very strong and random bursts of emotions at the most inconvenient times ever and yea </3 i am also an entp and i cant handle compliments very well <3

AGAIN HAPPY 50 THOUSAND BBY <3 LOVE U LOTS AND IM SO GLAD TO HAVE MET U THRU NICOLAS

what's this? looks like MOON has a match !

moon has been matched with...

OIKAWA TOORU !

was absolutely overjoyed to hear he'd been paired up with you! claimed that he "saw it coming" but we all know the truth

being a captain of a team full of moody teenage boys isn't easy, so he's well prepared to handle your moodswings!

since he struggles with emotions as well, he understands what you're feeling and will do anything to help

he's more than happy to do dumb stuff with you! pushing you around a parking lot in a shopping cart is one of his favourite activities

he's whipped for you, but he'll never admit it (even if it's painfully obvious)

he loves that you don't see him as perfect, and just see him as... him

he makes it obvious that he could care less about his fangirls, but if they bother you he'll gladly tell them to piss off

he feels safe around you and it's easy for him to open up to you about how he feels

NUMBER 1 HYPEMAN!!

your song: comfort zone by yot club

the atmosphere was cheerful, and the only thing that could be heard was the giggles coming from you and tooru. while you were out on a walk, you had stumbled across a costume shop for children, filled with lots of funky props. the two of you were currently standing in front of a body length mirror, you wearing a pair of comically large sunglasses and tooru wearing a neon pink cowboy hat. you'd been trying on props for the last hour or so, and the poor store clerk had to deal with your antics.

having gone through every possible prop, you decided that it was finally time to leave. "i'll be with you in a sec, just wait for me outside, kay?" tooru said. you shrugged and complied. after a few minutes, tooru emerged from the store wearing a feathery pink boa and a plastic tiara with elsa on it. "soooo? how do i look?" he asked, striking a pose. you grinned. "straight out of a disney movie."

#matchups #player: moon ; 🌙#sen hits 50 <3

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eviclair · 4 years ago

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I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of your actual thoughts(tm) on khr, so what’s your constructive review on the series as a whole? Like some positives and negatives w/ the writing, characters, etc. If u don’t feel like answering, feel free to ignore this LOL.

tl;dr because this is 800 words of nonsense. i think you should know i would not know a constructive review if it bit me in the ass.

my guy i have not done a full read of khr in maybe two years and i know that does not sound like a long time but i have the long-term memory of a fruit fly. please bear with me. luckily for both of us i liveblogged the last time i read so i at least have my own sparknotes jdflaksjddaf

first off! khr is a satire manga!!! i cannot stress this enough, i can and will fight you to the death about this!!! “oh but it gets serious later” it grows a PLOT, thats not the same thing. khr is stupid as hell and that is both on purpose and my favorite thing about it.

i fucking love shonen man!!! its all about FIGHTING and LOVING YOUR FRIENDS and HAVING EMOTIONS and. bro im a water sign. my mars is in gemini, there is nothing i can do about this, god made me and said “get that bitch some found family and also some incredible violence” and we all just have to live with that.

khr is so much all of those things that i did not realize they were being made fun of until very long after the fact so my current opinions are very much not the ones i started with jaldkhjdfhd but man. once i clued in i both loved it so much more and became 100% incapable of interacting with fandom in any meaningful way L M A O

i just. the main conceit is that theyve weaponized the deus ex machina eleventh-hour shonen power up. the “my dead family came back to life to kill me” trope is used three separate times. the big bad student body president is a delinquent. theres an entire subset of above magic god powers thatre just

the tyl bazooka was just ripping on the Timeskip Arc until the Timeskip Arc actually happened?? like fuuta’s special thing is that he can communicate with the Meta Planet to divine Character Rankings, i dont know what to tell you!!! the truth is out there!!!

like DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER that time tsuna experienced a villain’s flashback sequence FOR HIM because i fucking do, i think about it every day,

so in the sense of “please critique the writing”, i cant do that because im pretty sure 98% of all the tropey bullshit is by design. do i wish people like the kokuyo gang got more characterization outside of being ride-or-die villain sidekicks?? of course i do but thats my own damn fault for seeing cool side characters and losing all higher brain function. on the other hand, hibari being the person he is and having absolutely no backstory or motivation beyond “get out of my school” is really fucking funny and keeps me warm at night, so. win some, lose some.

(the 2% of the writing that isnt tropey bullshit that i CAN critique is whatever is happening with kyoko. Bad Female Cast is definitely a shonen trope but its a shitty one and i want it to die. within maybe four minutes of kyoko being introduced she tries to body a man and then thats just never spoken about again?? wheres that energy queen?!!! let kyoko say fuck!!!!)

((this applies to haru too in the sense that all she really does is make moon eyes at tsuna but the way in which she does so is honestly so fucking funny and unhinged that it comes back around to being great. like yeah yep yes ma’am thats 100% bonafide Girl Who Throws Skittles In A Puddle And Calls It Potion right there please may i have another))

If khr took itself even 4% more seriously it could be really deep and compelling and i think that frustrates a lot of people, but i think i like it better this way?? half the fun for me is reading in between the lines!! the subtext, however unintentional it may be!!

examples: yamamoto is one of my favorites just because theres SO FUCKING MUCH to unpack about him!! canon gives us a lot of information about him just by virtue of the fact that he’s a Main Character, but paradoxically he himself is never really the focus. he just Does Shit and you have to figure out why on your own and i LOVE DOING THAT.

i dont love mukuro because he’s a fleshed out and nuanced villain, i love him because he says shit like “i went to hell six times” and never expounds upon that or “i can definitely trust the information i got from this magic monocle called Demon Spade’s Super Evil Murder Eye or whatever the fuck” and then expresses surprise when daemon spade is an asshole. he goes and willfully fucks up the only job anyones ever given him (impersonate 80 year old leonardo lippi) because he Just Has to shapeshift into a young hot dude and hand deliver byakuran, the boss of the Flower Family, the Family that names all its members after Flowers, a bouquet that means “i am in disguise ;) cant catch me bitch ;)”

like WHAT THE FUCK!!

i dont know man. i just like puzzles and khr is a gift that keeps giving.

(sidenote that should’ve maybe just been the subject of the post but re:i cant shut the fuck up about anything ever, i love tsuna so much. so much. his personality!! his relationships!!! his growth!!! his growth!!!!! his growth!!!!!!! khr has its claws in me because i see tsuna do something cool or brave or even deeply stupid actually and my whole heart goes AAAAAAAAA bc thats him!!! thats my son!!!!! my baby boy whom ive raised since birth!!!!!! suit me up and call me a reborn kinnie, fuck!!!!!!!!!)

#asks #also the hibari-alaude-fon sameface being explained after the fact as 'they are all secretly related'#is the funniest shit #you cant change my mind #unrelated but my khr liveblog spanned like a whole fucking year and its peak comedy #what happened. to my energy.#evi.txt

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hayden-thefuck-whywouldyoudothis · 4 years ago

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HAYDEN LORE

for @thatoneao3writer because i am too lazy to send an ask rn

not the happiest with how this turned out, but i believe it will suffice for now.

So, you know the hc that Glatt would haunt Michael on the Dream SMP? Well, guess what? I am obligated to traumatise a child as the Dream Kinnie of the discord, and so, I will be taking the place of Glatt.

The murderer replaces the dictator.

-------------

Silence.

It always starts with silence, doesn’t it?

And for good reason.

It’s pure.

A clean slate.

Always was, always will be.

Right?

“No.” He shakes his head, “No, it’s not right. Listen, listen to me, Tubbo.” Ranboo grabs Tubbo by the shoulders, the optimal way to get the teen to listen, especially when he’s being stubborn. “You have to let him move through grief on his own. You can’t force it. You- you can’t-” Ranboo’s voice breaks, and Tubbo’s face softens, giving the taller a firm hug.

“Boo? Bo? Is everything okay?” Michael had snuck up on them. Tubbo and Ranboo share a look, before Ranboo forces a chuckle, picking his ‘son’ up to give him a hug.

“Hey Bub. Everythings just fine.” Ranboo assures the child, giving him a tight hug. Michael feels tears on his dad’s face, and pulls away from the hug. He watches his fathers face, contemplating. He giggles all of a sudden, putting his small hands on Ranboo’s cheeks, feeling him give a small smile, tears still streaming down his face.

“Dad!” Michael smiles. “I love you.” Ranboo smiles, pulling all three into a hug. After a beat, they separate, and Ranboo let's Michael down on the floor, urging him to go play and let the other two talk.

The tears are still there.

He does a good job of hiding the pain.

…

Michael listens.

What else would he do?

The two most important people in his life were distraught and trying so hard to hide it.

The more he listened, the more he learned. ‘Their close friend Tommy was grieving. They had all lost a friend. Their friend named Wilbur. He was a bad man, but he had been a good friend. He killed people. He-’

“So did I. Doesn’t make anyone special.” Someone says from behind where Michael is sitting. He looks around.

“Wh- who- who said th- that?” He manages to force out, There is a chuckle to his left, the voice sending shivers up his spine. There was something not right about it, it was off. Something moves, and a humanoid becomes visible. They are transparent, but their hands are burnt black, covered in ashes.

“Michael, right?” They ask, floating closer, eerily. Michael nods, recoiling when they offer a handshake. “Hmm,” They look Michael up and down, evaluating, analyzing. “You know, it feels good to be back.” Michael takes another good look. At first glance, they seem completely normal, at least before they speak. But then you look closer. You see the burn marks, and the ash, and the blood.

‘Why is there so much blood?’

“Well that has an easy answer! You should really be asking harder questions, Michael.” They laugh. It’s terrifying. “The blood is from the veins of the bodies dead at my feet, piling higher and higher. The blood of innocent people always was sweeter than that of the guilty.” And that's when the person moves, floating towards Ranboo and Tubbo. They don’t seem to notice. Michael gasps, and they look back at him, tilting their head and giving a smile. Without warning there is a dagger in each hand, at his parents' necks.

They don’t seem to mind.

Without thinking, Michael screams. It’s loud and heart-shattering. It’s like he was witnessing murder. Ranboo and Tubbo stop talking, running over to comfort the child. The person doesn’t move, just smiles.

“It was nice to meet me, right Michael? I would say the same in your own regard, but I’ve been watching for a long time. See you soon.”

And they disappear.

That was only the beginning.

-------------

The next time they showed up, Michael was all alone. Ranboo and Tubbo had to leave, had ‘something to do’. Tommy had come and collected them late at night, right as Michael had gone to bed, this being one of the nights that Michael was staying in the Tower. Bad had helped him get ready for bed, making sure he had his chicken plush before saying goodnight and leaving, promising that Tubbo and Ranboo would be back by morning.

Michael knew the truth, that the two people who meant the most to him were most likely in danger at that very moment. He might be young, but he wasn’t stupid. In fact, he was turning 6 soon!!! Hopefully Tubbo and Ranboo would be back soon, Michael desperately wanted to go to the park tomorrow.

“Can’t go to the park if they're dead.”

Michael pales at the voice. It’s back. ‘Why is it back?’ A bone-chilling laugh.

“Why Michael, your fear summoned me. There really is quite a lot of it. Fear of abandonment, fear of death, fear of losing a loved one, fear of being alone.” They chuckle, picking up one of Michaels toys, tossing it around as a form of entertainment, as if scaring a child wasn’t enough. “I really just saved you from that one, huh? No matter, you’re terrified of me, and that gives me all the power I could want, not that that’s what I’m after.” Michael looks at them, thinking.

‘Who is this? How did they get in here? Where are Boo and Bo? I really want them now, so I can have a hug and a brownie from the Titans kitchen. I want-’

“Hmmmm, that really is a very specific request Michael. But, you did ask one good question. Who am I? Who do you think I am Michael?”

He freezes, trying to think of what to call the person floating in front of him. After a moment, he gives up saying,

“You’re a scary man.” The person laughs.

“Well not quite, Michael, but close. I am Hayden Eyens. A hunter, a ghost, a storyteller, a prisoner, a witch, and, above all, a murderer. As for how I got in here, I can get to wherever I want or need to be.” Michael curls up against the headboard of the bed, not completely understanding everything that the person- no, Hayden- had said. But he did understand one thing.

Murderer.

It’s what everyone calls Wilbur.

“Let that sit with you Michael. I hope we talk again soon.” Hayden fades away, laughing maniacally.

Michael doesn’t sleep that night.

-------------

It doesn’t end there.

Hayden shows up at the worst times, feeding off of the fear that Michael hates so much. Every once in a while, Hayden’s visits are nice, and they just talk, and Michael learns, listening to the stories told so colourfully that it was like looking at a painting. He learns about how Hayden had grown up, having a similar start in life to Michael. Loving parents who were no longer there for one reason or another, eventually leading to the ghosts' untimely demise at the hands of the village they had grown up in. Michael listens to Hayden talk about manipulation and murder. It’s not very nice to listen to, but it is preferable to the bad days.

The bad days are the days where Hayden manipulates him, messing with his mind and his sense of right and wrong. The days when Hayden possesses him, trapping his conscious inside of himself, making him claustrophobic and terrified of possession.

It makes him think of the accident. What had happened when Michael had gotten very hurt by a bad man, and he had been stuck where he couldn’t get away, couldn’t escape. Once, Hayden had explained how the possession worked.

“Your conscious is the lesser one, of course. My mind pokes and prods and searches until it finds a way in. And when it does-” They smile. “When it does, my mind takes control. And it forces your mind into a tiny, tiny box. It is so refreshing. An escape from my own guilt.” Before Michael could even ask what they felt guilty for, Hayden was gone again, sure to return soon enough.

It went on for a long time, day in and day out, never subsiding long enough for a true break or recovery. The manipulation and the fear and the claustrophobia grow worse, almost to the point where Michael often couldn’t be left alone in some rooms in Bo’s house, Uncle Tommy’s house, or even the Titan’s Tower.

And one day, out of the blue, Hayden disappeared. The most peculiar thing happened as well, for right before Hayden had disappeared, Bo and Boo had seen them. They had flown at the trio at the Bee n’ Boo late one night, and they had freaked out. That was why Michael freaked out as well. Not because a ghost had flown at him, for he was used to that already, but seeing his favourite people freak out.

Later, Michael heard Ranboo and Tubbo talking. Apparently, there were more people like Hayden, though they weren’t all bad. Tanboo and Tubbo had met them. To repeat what Tubbo had said, it had ‘scared the shit out of them’, whatever that meant.

And that was the end of it.

Or so he believed.

Once a killer, always a killer.

-------------

HELLO

Quick and easy, here is some info about this:

1)This is tied to my fic and that will become somewhat evident in the next update.

2)This takes place during the aftermath of Wilbur's death, before the Askers were introduced to the Titans and the HIVE and such.

3)This was kinda difficult to write, ngl. Michael is very young in this AU, so it is difficult to use complicated themes. Therefore, my solution is that(sticking with what is already canon) Michael was left with Tubbo when he was 3. By the time this takes place, Michael is almost 6. I’d like to think that Tubbo was about 15 or so when he “adopted” Michael, making him 17 or so at this point.

4) I know that the trauma was not super apparent in this, but I feel it is important to establish Michaels trauma and fear of ghosts and Wilbur for my next fic update.

Alright, I am off to work on the next update.

Talk soon,

Hayden <3

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uwuthatshit · 3 years ago

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TW for mentions of SH and also Trauma, and hurting others. This is really really REALLY long please interact with this kay i love you guys <3)

The hard truth about being a Kanato Kinnie (and how I view myself and the world while being one)

Welp, there’s no other way to come out and say it, really. I Kin Kanato Sakamaki, and (ironically) I’m terrified of him.

Definition of a Kinnie: Someone who heavily relates to a character. Not only that, but to an extent… you ARE that character

That character IS YOU. You take parts of that character and it becomes a part of you. Emotional coping mechanism, hand motions, the way one talks, interests.

At this point, I know people are probably running for the hills. ME, Kinning KANATO?

You: Oh nO wAy jOsE *you dodge and run into a tree, thudding on the ground*

*I hand you a tissue to stop your bleeding nose* You good bro? Calm down. I'm NOT Kanato Sakamaki, really. I wont suck your blood and turn you into a doll, I promise. ;)

You see, here’s the thing: If I was to be living with any of the vampire boys, I’d prefer the Mukami brothers because I believe wholeheartedly they still have a sense of humanity left in them. The Sakamaki’s? Not so much. They were born vampires, so I believe they inherited and accepted a lot of the cultural viewpoints that a “pure” vampire would have. The Sakamaki’s are a traumatic bunch, but one could argue that nobody is quite as traumatized as Kanato. But first, a brief synopsis of how *I* view Kanato Sakamaki and his trauma:

As a child, he was forced to sing until he bled. He often went to his mother for support and love and received virtually none. He used emotional manipulation as a tactic to attempt to get someone, and i mean

anyone

to care about him and his interests. He, unfortunately, was only met with abuse and punishment. He went so far as to SH for attention. And even after he was a child, he still acts as one. He’s stuck in the same old vicious cycle as being as smart as an adult, but treated like a child. Nobody cares about his feelings, his school-life, his interests. He is constantly referred to as being a “hysteric” and “ a psycho”.

He, as a prideful, arrogant vampire, is constantly feeling that his ego is under attack. The truth is, even though he’s stuck in the same vicious cycle of reacting and manipulation, I believe he is NOT beyond repair... But It could take years of therapy, coping skills, and medication to get him to act like a “normal” member of society. Even by vampire-culture standards! He is TOO sadistic, TOO masochistic, TOO manipulative, and TOO “Hysterical” to fit in with the vampire class of society. And in Human society? Forget it. He’d be in a Psych ward already in a padded room, laughing his butt off.

So, what does this mean for me, a “Kinnie”? Well, to some, it means that I’m plain weird. I am not like a lot of my peers. I have a lot of emotions, and I feel them very intensely. I’m too complicated for anyone to understand.

But I’m, ultimately, NOT Kanato Sakamaki. I just relate to him in a deep, dark way.

I use age regression as a coping mechanism, so I often appear to be acting “younger” than I actually am if I’m in that state. It’s sometimes voluntary, and sometimes not.

IT IS NOT DDLG. NOPE. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT. That’s a separate thing.

People have ( and will ) treat me like I’m dumb, in and out of that regressed state. They do so because I am, in fact, seriously mentally ill, and that can (and does) inhibit me from performing to the highest standard I can. I also have ADHD. So... yeah. I have a hard time focusing or remembering, like, ANYTHING.

I’m taking accelerated courses so like... High expectations have been in place for the last decade or so. I always feel as if I’ll never live up to the expectations others have of me. It leads me to compare myself to other people. It feels like I’m never good enough, sadly.

Daddy Issues AND Mommy Issues? 10000% exist. I grew up without a stable father and mother-like figure in my life.

I relate to Kanato as being a Female who wishes they could be more androgynous... But it’s like, the opposite? Kanato is a man who borders between being seen as a man and a woman, kinda like I wanna be. (I’m way, wayyyy too freaking girlish for that, though. So people misgender me. sigh.)

I have a multitude of negative coping mechanisms, including lashing out at others (whether they wanna help me or not), self isolation, biting my nails till they bleed, scratching my bug bites till they bleed, cutting/scraping my thighs, I chew the inside of my mouth (Oral fixation), thoughts of killing others, killing myself, the whole shebang. Been there, done that. Just like Kanato.

I am an excellent emotional manipulator. Am I proud of it? Weeeell… No, Absolutely not. I struggle with people taking my pain and suffering seriously, leaving me with little/NO choice but to feel as if I need to manipulate others to take me seriously, or hear me.

I Still am severely mentally ill, but I am on medication and going to therapy. I seek help. I try not to hurt other people. I still hurt myself. Sometimes.

I have trust issues because a boy I loved very much used me and abused me the entirety of my high school life. Cheated on me, played me like a puppet on a string. And told me he was gonna kill my girlfriend, and tried to kill me. Sexually assaulted me. Fun times.

okay i love stuffies <3 I like them a lot. A lot. A lot a lot a lot.

I am very creative with my hands, and enjoy analyzing characters.

and more mixed in after this man It's hard to list everything in order

This is something I’m oddly ashamed of yet proud of at the same time. This little Masochistic, Sadistic devil makes me giggle at one point and piss my pants and run crying in another. ME. I’m him, that’s who I relate to a great deal of the time. Especially during my God-Complex episodes, depressive episodes.

When I feel I’m at my best, I feel like him. I exhibit a lot of his common Sadist tenancies. When I’m at my lowest, I hurt and manipulate and lie to myself and the people around me as much as I can to Alleviate my own suffering. So, I also feel like him.

I shut down.

Small note: I don’t just kin Kanato Sakamaki. Nope. I kin 2 other characters, too. Those three characters make me who I am today. They ARE me, to an extent. Who are they, you may ask? Stick around and figure it out. Maybe I’ll tell you at the end... Or not ;)

From my perspective, Kanato is a person/vampire/horror unlike anyone you have ever f-cking met. And for good reason, too.

Kanato is a good idea as a character, but in real life it makes people want to scream and run away. Which, ironically, is how I feel OTHER people feel... when I meet them. Weird for me to say since I kin him, right? Well if I was a normal person, it would be.

I’m not your average run-of-the-mill girl. (another way of saying i'M NoT LiKe oTheR GiRlS) I have ISSUES. I grew up without a daddy, being bullied on the playground, and wanting nothing more than to go home as I was 9,11,12,15,17 laying in my bed in sobbing at 3AM. I was shown things I never ever ever ever ever want to see again.

I’m a girl who likes to act and pretend to be innocent, but really, I’m worse than the school whore in terms of how “dirty” I am. in my head. in my body. in my soul.

Just plain facts.

When I was 11 going through my emo phase, I remember finding creepy dolls, horror stories, Ouija boards, Satanism, Creepypastas, Pastel aesthetics and the like. They were SO freaking cool. And, just around that time, I was getting into anime. I wanted something new and creepy but romantic. I loved vampires as a kid, they were my favorite.

And I found DL. And It changed me a lot. And the aesthetic of the game and Kanato? Y E S P L E A S E ~

See, the difference between @papuru666 and me is that I HATE horror stories... For context: In a post I responded to on my old account, Papuru talked about how they have a deep love for horror movies and it's a coping mechanism for them, in a way (and Diabolik Lovers can technically be a horror movie i MeAn-) But I don't like them very much. Why?

My Life is one.

I look for creepy-looking things, just because I like to be and feel and look different than the normal population. And because I just like the aesthetic. But I desperately want comfort. I need to FEEL something, but nothing scawy.

So? I tend to age regress.

I need my stuffies. I need my hot chocolate. VERY sweet coffee. VERY sweet hot and cold tea. French fries and dino nuggies. An unnecessarily HUGE amount of sweets. Cake. Candy. Hugs. Cuddles, Kisses. Giggling. forehead nuzzles. A warm blanket. My girlfriend is singing me to sleep a lot of the time. A good book. Or four. Or seven. Or twelve. BUBBLES. Disney movies!! Those old barbie movies oooo~ A dollhouse. baking. watching tv. a documentary. a movie. going on a walk, messing with tarot cards. (the last few are not little space related but still good coping mechanisms i use)

And you know what? That’s okay. Papuru can love her horror and I’ll love my little space moments. Everyone responds to their mental illness and trauma differently.

Rather than looking for something that makes me feel something negative (like, a fight or flight response) I look for something that brings me back to my childhood. Brings me comfort and safety and joy. AND REMINDS ME OF KANATO AJANHABAIUYVAOHBAOUHAVAY-

Remember how I mentioned earlier that it's good that Kanato isn’t a real person, because he’s scary? Yet I kin him? Well... I’m scared of myself, really.

Scared of what I can do, the power I have.

Scared of who I became as a person.

I honestly wonder what would happen If I never had the childhood I did. Not to say it was all bad. I lived with my grandparents, who, simply put, are wonderful people. My childhood was rough, but not as bad as some others. But yes, I still have trauma. (Not like I will ever EVER tell people on the internet. Sorry folks, become friends with me first and then we can trauma bond XD)

But, If i was to ever lose control of myself, even for one moment... It would be bad. I would hurt so many people. And Not. just. physically.

There are so many things I want to say and do to certain people who f-cked me up. My abusive, manipulative ex (Who, apparently, I trauma bonded with...That little sh!t...) would rather wish he were dead than the pain and horror and suffering I would make him feel. I'd feel his pulse beneath my hand and watch as his hope for death, an easy escape, would slowly die.

He would have wished he never met me and hurt me the way he did. He would’ve wished he kept his hands to himself when I and so, so many other girls said no, said to stop. He would suffer the consequences for threatening me and my girlfriend's death. He would f-cking suffer and I would laugh. I would spit in his f-cking eyes and laugh at his tears as I would slowly make him lose his sanity, and lose who he was as a person.

That is.. IF. I was. to lose. Control. But, by losing control, I’m letting the animal in me win. the “monster”.

And I don’t wanna be a monster, guys. @~@

I don’t wanna feel like a monster in my own skin. Sometimes, I look into the mirror and I don’t know who I f-cking see.

I remember the little girl I used to be. But that’s not who I am any-f-cking-more. I’m not sweet anymore. I got f-cking ruined.

I look dead. I’m chubby. I’m not skinny. I have SH marks everywhere I f-cking look. My nails are short. My hair is choppy and fluffy and layered and to my shoulders. I dissociate when I look at myself.

But hey... I look in that mirror I say “Sage, baby, It’s all gonna be okay, you strong beautiful *insert curse words here*”

This battle I’m fighting with myself is like, f-cking yin and yang. On one end, I want to be your worst mother f-cking nightmare. I want you to see me and stay the F-CK away. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. Random people on the street, see me and cower away. “They look scary as f-ck, I’m not gonna f-ck with them”

But the side other people get to see, ESPECIALLY those I love and care about, it’s different. I love them, I listen to them, I share my food and treats and stuffies. We laugh, we play videos and games. We stress about schoolwork, we watch vines together. We take care of each other.

If I see someone I don’t know, I’ll go out of my way and compliment them. I’ll say hello, say sorry to a stranger if I bump into them, because I want to be a good, caring, loving person.

But I lack boundaries, which is also something I’m working on.

All of this? Above? IS KANATO. Through and through, in some ways more than others. If you were to get through to him, after his Base-level of a character (as complex as it is), you would be rewarded with the most caring, supportive, creative, and cunning yandere in existence. THE BEST BOY.

(I’m sorry Azusa, you’re always number one for me my baby, Kanato is my number 2 okay? okay)

So... with this loss of control, lack of boundaries, love of creepy stuff, weird aesthetics, stuffie problem, candy lover, sugar addict, very needy baby cuddler? I love Kanato. He makes me feel at HOME. I feel less like a monster. I feel more at peace with myself. It reminds me that everything is gonna be fine.

kay thanks yall <3

#diabolical #diabolik lovers #diabolik brothers #kanato sakamaki #sakamaki brothers #kanato kinnies #kanato simps #analysis

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ughgclden · 3 years ago

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bee, love, don’t apologise, please, it’s okay, and first and foremost, are you alright?? i hope you’re taking care of yourself, love, but i understand, i don’t think there’s been a year since third grade that i haven’t gotten pneumonia in the winter. I hope you’re feeling alright!!

honestly, dead poets society is one of my only personality traits anymore, i find myself drawing parallels to it constantly, for no reason but i love thinking about it. i’ve watched it so many times at this point, it’s,,, concerning. those tests always take me way less time than they give me, and i used to feel really awkward, i remember i took a bio one once, four hours they gave me, 45 minutes in, i was finished, and the moderator didn’t believe me. i aced it too, like the silly little neil kinnie i am. i’ve gotten used to the ‘worse’ side of being a neil kinnie, and honestly, now that my mum isn’t as controlling about everything as she used to be, it’s easier to deal with. i remember once, i’d gotten an 89 in algebra, and she threatened to pull me out of the fall show. that was a neil perry moment if i ever had one lol. the biggest thing these days is just imposter syndrome, imposter syndrome like oh you’re not hispanic enough, but also, you’re not queer enough, nonbinary enough, things like that. It’s exacerbated some days, but i try.

i watched the it movies on my cousin’s hbo,,, i may or may not have used it without her permission since she forgot to log out of my computer, but that’s neither here nor there. i remember having such a hard time taking the first one seriously initially, because of all the new kids on the block jokes, having a mum who was obsessed with them made it hard, especially when i actually got them all- in truth, the only midnight premiere i’ve been able to make was the force awakens, and i had school the next day too. i’m definitely a richie kinnie, and i have the internalised homophobia (only towards myself though) to prove it /hj my waterbottle has both a sticker of neil on it and a sticker of the r + e carving on it. in case there was any doubt about me lmao. stan kin makes sense for you, honestly, i can see it, i can see it.

okay so listen- no really, i’d bought them with the intention of only drinking half of one that night and spreading them out like that, but then came 9:45pm, and i had a research paper (on womens’ pockets/lack thereof) due at 10am that i simply hadn’t even started, so i downed them all in an hour and got the paper turned in at 5:56 in the morning. but i scare you huh? /hj bee, you’re too sweet, in truth, i’m fairly inelegant, but i try, as for the comforting and cosy, i’ll take you at your word, since that is something only someone interacting with me could discern. i do try to be kind to others for the most part. mainly i think because i’m usually on the other end of mean people.

i’m just perceptive like that bee, i dunno what to tell you, something just tells me, you know? /j and thank you, i always feel a little silly talking about it, because most of the tattoos i want are dead poets society tattoos, i guess some part of me, within the part of me that feels so incredibly tied to it, feels as if if i were able to get a tattoo i’d owe it to the movie in some way, if that makes any sense. i’ve already begged a friend of mine to go with me to get my first once i get to new york, the question though, is what to get first. i’ve got time to make a decision (for once in my life) i just spend a lot of time thinking about it.

honestly, i have never known a school rule to make sense. banning ripped jeans? banning dyed hair? it’s almost as if if they don’t stifle everything natural about kids expressing themselves they dont feel like they’re doing anything. but i digress. the same-sex couple rules were. awful. 12 year old me had enough going on without having an administrator yell at my friend and i for hugging in the courtyard and not leaving until we were a foot apart, but hey.

okay, jumping over a fence to go to a mcdonalds? how coming of age indie movie manic pixie dream girl of you /hj

200k words, is that a challenge? also ahaha not at all like my italian uncle up there just opened a ‘pizzeria’ /hj but mob!star au? might be a project i should start… granted, i’m not as good a storyteller as you, but i can try.

when i was little, i wanted to revolutionise things, i guess. i even actually wrote out a campaign, i wonder if its still somewhere. thank you for believing in me, but these days, bee, i’m thinking less about changing the world, and more about making it the next few weeks, and then the ones after that. little star was aware of so much, but also so little. i wonder what they’d think of me now, honestly.

i did, in fact, teach archery, it was so fun but my arms got SO SORE, and the kid who challenged my archery skills seemed surprised when i actually,, hit the bullseyes. my inner susan was happy then. incidentally the experience is also why i made a playlist called “touchstarved and wanting to teach you to shoot a bow” which low-key slaps when i’m lonely. and bee omg i cannot believe you said im better than susan pevensie i will be thinking about this for the rest of my life thank you- and yes, yes it was named aslan, however did you guess? /j prince caspian<33333

i’ll let you know my results from the tournament, as soon as they come out, and i say this having just put on pjs after taking off my suit, and sitting in the room with my cat in my dear evan hansen hoodie, frantically refreshing the results page because i’m anxious and impatient.

i hope you have a good night, with fitful and restful sleep, i’m sorry this got to be so long, but you know me, i certainly can talk. i’m honestly shocked i even made it to finals, considering i was running off four hours of sleep, having gone to bed at three last night. whoops.

all my love, hugs, and a warm mug of tea,

yours,

star✨

p.s i said yes so that?? happened?? it honestly feels surreal but we’re not gonna be in the same place anymore come the end of this year, so that’ll be something to deal with

P.p.s might just start adding spanish or latin or russian phrases to these if i keep having to translate your cute french bee /lh /hj

star my love, i know you said don't apologise, but i think the word 'sorry' makes up about 60% of my vocabulary. i'm okay!! was just a bit icky, but luckily i've recovered now!!

that's so nice - and again, makes so much sense for you. i think you would work perfectly in welton, i know it. i love bringing the messages from that film into my own life, as silly as it may sound. i'm astonished, and so fucking jealous of you. i used to finish tests maybe half an hour early, but hours is so impressive??? fun fact i did finish my physics final in about 45 minutes and slept for the other hour <3 neil would b proud my love!!! oh my god - i'm so sorry that happened??? but that is also so neil kinnie??? it seems futile me saying this, but i assure you that you are hispanic enough, and queer enough, and non-binary enough. you are enough, period. more than enough even. imposter syndrome is the worst, and i'm so so sorry you're dealing with it.

she did that to herself, you just saw an opportunity /lh a midnight premiere of the force awakens sounds so cute though omg - i hope you had the absolute best time. the r + e carving actually broke me. as a die hard reddie shipper since 2017, seeing the movie make it basically canon?! had me a mess in the cinema.

you are ridiculously comforting and cosy, everything about you feels like a warm hug from a familiar face and i love it. and the way you write is so smooth, it makes me think of a quill smoothly gliding across parchment, the deep black ink unsmudged and pristine. that seems a little pretentious of me, but oh well.

i also want some dps tattoos!! i desperately want "and still we sleep" from todd's poem, and was also so so tempted to get an outline drawing of meeks + pitts dancing on the roof. i love that, and i can't wait until the day you get it, whichever one it may be. my one concern is becoming addicted to them and making my bank account suffer - at least my piercing obsession is a little easier to fund /hj

i've NEVER gotten that - they claim it's 'distracting' but how on earth would it be?? when i got to college, no one was distracted by my dyed hair, and i certainly wasn't distracted by other people's outfits or painted nails. you were yelled at. for hugging. a friend.. what the fuck is wrong with these people??

just call me ramona flowers star /j it was possibly the highlight of my school career, sans hiding in the back room of the music room to avoid a maths test

i bet you're an amazing storyteller, if these letters are anything to go by. it would be a new york times best seller, i know it

we all have to take things one step at a time, i think. that's the only way i really get through things if i'm honest. one day after another and the cycle repeats. i love wondering what young me would think of me now - i'd probably be intimidated of myself, but i like to think i'd be proud that i'm still here, pursuing something i love

that playlist. sounds nothing short of sheer perfection. i too am touch starved and want to teach someone to shoot a bow - even though i.. cannot shoot a bow... but i can wield a sword so, it's close enough.

i saw your message about the tournament results - im so fucking proud of you!!!! you deserve it so so much and i couldn't be happier for you. see, your words and ideas are changing the world, even if you don't realise it.

ps; that is so fun???? omg im so happy for you star, you deserve tis <33 i hope towards the end of this year whatever happens leaves you both happy, no matter how far the distance.

pps; omg no.. please don't do that.. aha that would be awful... definitely wouldn't make my heart race.. haha not at all

all of my love, star. pardon the pun, but you are out of this world ;) i'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes;

il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'être aimé <3

#asks <3 #anon asks!#star anon #long post

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sodapopandadderall · 3 years ago

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Just a silly vent about my... Life I guess.

I watched the new MLP movie and it made me really happy at first but.... Then my brain started thinking about everything I’ve lost. My whole life I’ve had to watch friends go off and have fantastic adventures while I was stuck at home. Most of my “adventures” growing up were tagging along with my dad to business stuff. I’ve been to Alaska, technically, but... I spent the whole time just with him and his business stuff. Same with Atlanta, and my trips to Virginia were complicated because of how my grandma and aunt were. It’s been so long now though... I just feel like I’ve barely moved an inch since my father passed away. It’s so hard not to think about that line from American Idiot. Ya know... “Nobody likes you, everyone left you, they’re all out without you... Having fun”. I guess it’s just karma, I shouldn’t complain, but it hurts so much. I feel so weak all of a sudden. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m trying to pretend I am but I don’t. I haven’t called my case worker or claimed unemployment. All these plans, all these promises, worthless, fucking useless little illusions because everybody was... Rightfully... Too scared to tell me the truth... Again. I wanna go... I wanna leave so bad. Every fall I feel like this but now it’s 100000x worse because of what I’ve lost. Yeah, it might not be permanent but.. What if it is? I’m so tired of feeling secure and hopeful just to have it yanked out from under me. i wish therapy wasn’t on Friday, I fucking hate this. I just feel bad about everything. Then I feel bad about feeling bad for everything. Just.. A pathetic stupid little life, pathetic stupid little me, pathetic, stupid, STUPID. I wish I could just... Go back to being toxic, and bite the hands that fed me. I’m so mad, I wanna hurt myself... But I can’t. I just can’t do that stuff anymore. If I ever want happiness again I can’t. No more drinking, no more self-harm, no more attacking people for “abandoning” me... No more. I wish it didn’t come to this, Some Twilight Sparkle kinnie I am. Heh. I had all the seeds for a wonderful life and I flushed it down the toilet. I finally had something good happen and I took it all for granted... I don’t want to do that anymore. I won’t do it anymore I just... Hope someday, I’ll get lucky again.... Maybe.

#send me a letterbomb #I wish healing wasn't so #messy #the ups and downs are killing me #knowing that it'll eventually get easier doesn't help me now #and i'm scared that i'm not doing enough #while at the same time it feels like i'm doing everything I can and then some #if I get a car I'm going somewhere far #maybe the Grand Canyon like in that comic #but not to die #to live #for me

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gremlin-writes-angst · 4 years ago

Text

Birthday wishes

This is based on what happened on my birthday so its very self-indulgent, so please don't say things about it being OOC

anyways happy birthday Denki and I'm sorry to Denki kinnies ( and everyone)who feels this way /read this.

not proof read or whatever

577 words

Trigger warning: Sad stuff

Let me know if I missed a trigger or if you spot any spelling mistakes.

Feedback is encouraged

Click here if you want to see more of my work and follow me for more!

Denki tried to always hide his negative emotions and traits, but sometimes it’s harder to hide the truth. It was his birthday so he has the right to be himself just a little more. He wouldn’t say that he’s the most petty person but keeping a list of people that you think will or won’t wish you a happy birthday, was a little petty. He was pretty confident in his friends, the bakusquad were all on the “will” list and so were most of his classmates. He was excited to be proven wrong by the few on the “won’t “ list but, that’s not who would surprise him.

He went through his day, entering class with a big smile ready to be braided with gifts and birthday wishes. He sits there for five minutes, no one approaching, no notes passed to him, no yelling from across the room, no birthday wishes. His smile starters to fade when suddenly he feels his pocket buzz. He pulls it out expecting it to be a stupid game notification, not wanting to get his hopes up only to be disappointed. He’s happily surprised when he sees that Sero messaged him. He opened it to see it was happy birthday wishes, his smile returned, he looked over to see who mouthed the words

“Happy birthday Denki”

Before Denki could do anything more Aizawa walked in and started class. Throughout class Denki could feel his phone buzz, he now felt more confident in the idea that it was his friends. During lunch he checked his phone before heading to the cafeteria, he expected to see messages from the bakusquad, but none of the messages were. He got a message from Inasa, Shindo, and tatami, all people he had only message to make sure that they had the correct number. He thanked them all, even though he was disappointed that it wasn’t any close friends. He then figured that they were just waiting to do it in person and out of class.

At the end of class, he had gotten zero more birthday wishes, but there was still a quarter of the day left. Denki spent the rest of his day in the common area pretending to busy himself, wai5ting for people to come by and wish him a happy birthday. Then curfew hit, then midnight he wakes up, not realizing he had fallen asleep. He reached for his phone, it was 6 am and he had received no new messages. His birthday was officially over, and he had only been wished happy birthday by four people. He tried to come up with an excuse, maybe they don’t know, but Snapchat Facebook Twitter, and almost every other social media app would remind them, and Denki knew for a fact that his close friend use at least one of those apps every day.

Denki decides to be petty, he filmed a video of himself telling each person of, no more than a minute, in the end, it said something about ‘better late than never. He sent the videos ready to get messages filled with both apologies and late birthday wishes. But he didn’t get those instead he got messages that proved that they didn’t watch the video, stuff like

“Lol”

“Seen it”

“😂”

Denki realized that they didn’t forget they just didn’t care, no one did. And to think he had found a group of people who would stick by him no matter what.

#denki #denkis birthday #angst #drabble #sorry #mha

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