#( or thats at least what im poorly alluding to )

[manmcde-blog1]

10. Does your muse have nightmares? What about?

Angsty Character Questions

@lucxsnorth

Gasping for air in crushing darkness. Desperate screams, leather binds cutting into his skin as he struggles to answer their futile pleas. Fingers gripping his hair until the freezing flood fills his lungs. The piercing crackles as pain replaces every sense, overloading and rattling his body as it steals control. The suffocating scent of burnt flesh. Ashen skin, sunken eyes that always follow him no matter how he begs him to rest.    

(However, self-medicating with sedatives keeps his nightmares at bay.)

[catnherthoughts]

delusion? maybe? 11/20 4:44am

i've come to the very rational decision that nothing really matters. ant not in a nihilistic " i should kill myself there's no point in this life" sort of way. more so alluding to the fact that this could all very well be an illusion, a simulation, something that was created just to let things play out. to be frank, we could all be in a sims 4 game right now, being controlled, or even npc's just being side characters in someone else's story. every experience that i've ever gone through lives in a memory. then in turn, a dream. something to look back at but never a state that you can change or something that can be brought back. in these same ways, stories that have been told to me by others live in my head. i could just be partaking in some sort of delusion that kicks in after a certain point of night after not taking my medication properly but at least now i can experience this side of my mind. the way that everyone takes everything so seriously pisses me off. i understand that everyone has their own personal moral compass and such but theres a certain point where you just need to live life, ya know? or else, you'll end up as an angry old person who is upset at the fact that they never got to fully live. yes, i will make out with random men at parties, partake in premarital sex, get my heart broken, do drugs, drink, but thats just what i feel makes me feel at the moment and i have no shame in any of my habits, regardless of what is pushed upon me by those who are too scared to follow my footsteps. why fear anything when there is joy and purpose in everything. i could sit back in my room, never leave, and box myself into myself to cope with the fact that things could go wrong sometimes, or i could live my life as its my last (maybe im at the end of my karmic cycle who knows) and just live for self sustenance and pleasure. i love being myself, making my silly little mistakes, writing about how i see the world, laughing, releasing, and having fun. all that goes well shows you the pleasures that life has to give and all that goes poorly can teach you something. this is why i keep moving through life. yes, my mental disorders can take a hold of me and i could just kill myself because of a deep set hatred of my place in this world, or i could just keep going because why not? im a strong believer that everything, yes everything, happens for a reason. while it may not be apparent in the moment that it fills your body with a warm feeling or when it rips your heart out of your chest, eventually you understand. this is what i try to remind myself in these moments. we are put on earth for whatever reason there is, so might as well enjoy the time you spend here. be kind to the earth, spread love, have fun, etc. there is nothing like the feeling of kissing someone for an extended period of time. the way that you are in your own head but also in such a close proximity to someone else. how the thoughts race through your head about how you're kissing them, what you think theyre thinking, being the the moment in general. being a girl in this life was such a blessing. the emotional depth i was blessed with is so nice. i can feel things, way more deeply than they should ever be felt. emotion in its purest form. i've been told many times that i am a healer. that i've been placed on this earth to help people and while it can be draining, to think that i can be that kind of support for someone. even if after i have given my healing, they feel as if they have no use for me and leave, at least i can say that i helped them in the way they needed. its now 5:38 and while im not tired i feel as if anything that i write from nowon will not be productive so i will stop here, but if youve stumbled upon this i hope some of the points i brought up spark thought within yourself.

xoxo cathy