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cuthie · 4 years

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Cuthbert: The Benny Of Many Names

Outside of the Feathermoon stronghold, deep into the woods, a circle of six kaldorei women dropped to their knees. Arms stretching out to the heavens, they threw themselves forward into the grass, worshipping at the feet of another elven woman who’s entire body was made from tree bark. The wooden elf woman gently clapped her hands before her bosom, bowing her head as her worshippers praised her. Beyond the circle of kaldorei, a dark skinned high elf watched, rolling his glowing blue eyes. Oblivious to his presence or simply unperturbed, the circle continued their praises as a white haired woman rose back to her feet. “Quer’coos, daughter of nature, please grant your children a word of wisdom and comfort in these troubling times. Our faith has been shaken, the skies have been opened, our people struggle and look for answers. It has been long since we were blessed with your presence, but please know that we are as uncertain and fearful as we are humbled before you.”

Speech finished, the speaker returned to her knees in a deep groveling bow. The figure of oak bark threw her head back, brown hair transforming into antlers. Taking a step forward, soft elven feet transformed into hooves as the figure grew double in size. As each hoof touched the ground, flowers began to sprout in her wake, until finally she reached the speaker. Gently her fingertips stretched out, growing akin to the branches of a great tree until they brushed against the night elf’s cheek. As the Wild God’s carved lips opened, her voice poured out like honey, “You all have my blessing. Carry it forward, protect this realm from the agents of evil. As for what lies beyond the veil, put your faith in me and mine.” With that, the wooden woman pointed beyond the circle, out to Cuthbert Allbright. Not sure how to react, Cuth just ran a hand through his hair and gave the ‘girls’ a confident nod. Each woman in the circle gave Cuthbert an appreciative smile. It was an entirely new experience for him. Generally people looked at him with either exhaustion, annoyance or doubt. But this hopeful confidence? It was kind of hot. Should- should he take his shirt off or something? Before he could even savor the moment, it had passed. The Wild God had spoken to her worshipper Sentinels and sent them on their way with a small magical boon. Turning to walk towards Cuth, her body shrunk in size as white robes just folded out from the wood of her skin. Her beautiful angelic face distorted, morphing into an expressionless metal mask. The once sweet feminine voice had become the familiar whisper of The Benefactor. “Cuthbert, are you quite finished following me?” Cuthberted hopped down from the large protruding root, landing before his mysterious ‘friend’. “Well Benny, or should I say.. Coocoos? I’m gonna keep following you until you let me in through the sky like everyone else.”

There was a sound of chimes coming from behind the mask. “Quer’coos is the name my Kaldorei and Shu’halo followers call me.”

Cuth popped his collar, “Oh, did they sign your Book of Love, also?” The Benefactor slowly shook their head, “There was no need for that. They love of their own volition.”

Cuthbert wrinkled his nose, “How come you didn’t turn into a big bug like last time?” “Not just a bug. The noble beetle. When I address my Troll practitioners I approach them as Tenki’massa, the Loa of Gift Giving, and whatever form they need to see me in at the time. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an urgent matter to tend to.” Without another word, The Benefactor raised a hand to their side, opening a swirling rift of blinding white magic. As Cuthbert shielded his eyes, the magic widened, bursting and taking the ‘Deity’ with them. ----- In a dimly lit wooden room, a Pandaren child rested still in a casket. Her parents wept on their knees, uttering prayer after prayer. Behind them, a small white cat leapt from a swirling powerful white sphere. Noticing the pretty kitty, the child’s spirit reached out to pet her. Before she could reach the cat, the world began to fade away. The blackened horrors of an ancient realm of binding opened up, claws grabbing hold of the ghost child. However, the cat hissed and batted the evils away, protecting over the lost cub.

The parents continued to weep, oblivious to everything, even to the dark skinned high elf frowning in the corner.

<Hold her Cuth, do not let her go.> Without being told twice, Cuthbert dove for the Pandaren girl, wrapped her in his strong arms. It was like trying to wrangle a tie out of a goblin blender, or at least, that was the closest experience Cuth could compare it to. All he knew was that his friend Benny needed him to hold a child and keep them away from.. From something bad. Without question, he was ready to exchange his life for that child’s, diving betwixt her and whatever evil had been summoned to take her away. That’s when he heard it. A little girl’s cry for help. And another.. And another and ten more, a hundred more, a thousand more. Desparate souls colliding against one another, confused and in agony and terror as their screams grew louder and rose higher and higher in pitch! And as he feared losing his grip, the world faded to white.

Blinking, a cold chill ran down the quel’dorei’s spine as he clung the cold spirit to his chest. They were no longer in that sad dark room. There was no more blackened magick tugging at the girl. There was no anything, just a void of white and grey and wind? <You can let her go now, thank you.> Cuth’s gaze looked up, beyond the white sphere he had been trapped in. The little kitty who had come for the girl’s soul was now a bajillion feet tall. Bright green cat eyes dwarfed Cuth, as if they were blinking at a spec of dirt. Gulping, Cuthbert released the Pandaren girl, feeling her aura as if it were a physical palpable thing. Her fears were being soothed, her sorrows drifting away, and then.. She was gone. A giant paw threatened to bat the realm away as if it were simply a ball of yarn, yet Cuthbert stood his ground. He didn’t care if he was the size of an ant or ten feet tall. Nobody was more better than him, not even cat gods. Puffing out his chest defiantly, Cuthbert watched as the paw collided with the ceiling of his new swirling white world.

In the blink of an eye, Cuthbert was standing outside beneath a extended roof attached to a humble Pandaren noodle bar. The rain was beginning to trickle, splattering against his forehead. The white cat, now cat-sized instead of god-sized, rubbed herself against his leg. <Thank you. That shouldn’t have been as difficult as it was. They’re getting stronger now.> “They?” A Pandaren woman behind the noodle counter looked towards the strange elf talking to himself.

<How are you following me, Cuthbert? That shouldn’t be possible.> Cuthbert wrinkled his nose towards the Pandaren, “Hey, mind your business, I’m feeding my cat.” Shaking his head with a sigh, he returned to The Benefactor, “It’s your fault. You gave me the magic to do it, just sayin’.” There was the sound of a ticking clock before the cat’s voice returned to his mind. <Explain your process, please.> “Well, I see little bubbles of arcane or.. You know I’m not good with words. Bubbles of magic, whatever portal magic you’re using. I then just concentrate and poof inside.” <You poof?> Cuthbert disappeared in a ‘poof’ of smoke, reappearing on the bar’s rooftop a good fifteen feet up. A few moments later and the white cat likewise ‘poofed’. <Short range teleportation utilizing the shadow magic I bestowed upon you. I didn’t think it would be capable of tracing spellwork. You’re a peculiar creature, Cuthbert Allbright. But I owe you, for assisting with my duties. Ask of me one thing and it shall be yours. Anything.> Cuthbert scratched at the back of his head. Anything, huh? “Okay, then tell me what we just did. And your REAL name! And what’s goin on.” Chimes rung. <I am The Benefactor. I am Quer’coos. I am Tenki’massa. I am Jhizu, worshipped as a Guardian by the Pandaren. These are not lies, they are all my names, my duties. Today you assisted in ferrying a child’s soul to the Spirit World, to the Shadowlands. There she will wait without hunger, fear or harm, until she can be reunited with her family in my realm.> Cuth scratched under his chin, “My mind’s goin like a mile an hour. You got me all twisted and dizzified trying to figure out your words and.. Stuff. I. So you sent her through the sky? But you won’t send me? That’s kodoshite.” Somewhere a glass broke. <That is not a place for mortals, Cuthbert.> “You said you owed me.” <And I repaid your favor by answering your questions.> “So you’re not gonna help me get up there? You know, they opened up a portal in Stormwind. I’m sneaky as fel, I could get in there without anyone even knowing. So you may as well let me take a peek.” The cat nuzzled Cuth’s leg, her purr sending shivers coursing through the elf’s shoulders. <I promise you, when I have need of you, I will call upon you. I know you’re eager to serve.> Cuth scratched the cat behind her ear, “Mmhmm.. I just wanna go up there and be the big hero that fixes everything. Is that so much to ask?” Jhizu’s reply came in the form of a familiar portal. Beyond the tinge of magick shimmered Feathermoon. Knowing the conversation was over, Cuth sulked with drooped shoulders as he hopped through the portal. Ugh.. When was he gonna get to be the hero again?

#wrarp #WRA RP #Wyrmrest roleplay #wowrp #World of Warcraft

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thiswasinevitableid · 5 years

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Kitchen Nightmares

Prompt for the 25th was: Sabotage

“Alright” Mama stands, hands on hips, surveying the pairs lined up in front of her “here’s the rules: y’all got two hours to make us dessert. And whichever one we like best, that team don’t got to help with clean-up from big fall dinner next week. Any questions? Aubrey?”

“How come Ned doesn’t have to compete?”

“Because, friend Aubrey, gentlemen of mine and Thacker’s ages are in no condition to do such difficult labor.”

“Ned, you fuckin crashed a jetpack once. Cleanin up would be a piece of cake.”

“To be fair” Barclay says, “you haven’t seen what dishes look like that day.”

“And I banned Arlo from the kitchen ten years ago on account of the gorp incident.” Mama holds up a whistle, while Juno readies a stopwatch.

“On you marks, get set, go!”

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“Alright ‘Drid, what should we make?”

“Hmmm, oh! I rather enjoy Jell-O, can we make that?”

“No, goofus, I meant what gives us the best chances of winnin?”

“I can’t tell just yet, as the others have not decided on their dishes, so the futures are all in flux. And I don’t want to lose precious time by waiting on them.”

“Good point.” Duck taps his chin, snaps his fingers, “got it, Juno’s got a weak spot for pumpkin cream cheese brownies, used to eat half a pan of them herself whenever my mom made a batch.”

“Brownies it is. Do I get to lick the spoon?”

“Of course, sugar.”

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“Why are you even competing, aren’t you doing most of the cooking that day?”

“Yeah, but assuming because I cook everyone else will do the dishes has backfired, big time, before.” Barclay shudders, then smiles “plus, didn’t want to leave you without a partner, agent.”

“What are we making?”

“Pumpkin doughnuts. Mama loves ‘em and...is that a X-files patterned apron?”

“Yes. I bought one because I wanted to help you in the kitchen.”

“You’re such a nerd, I love it, now hand me that mixing bowl.”

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“Okay, so, we’re making bee-sting pudding.” Hollis cracks their knuckles as they stare at the spice rack.

“Do you, like, need me to go round up some bees?”

“No, Jake, I need you to grab some honey and some whiskey.”

“Can do!”

“.....Did you just heely over to get that?”

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“What is our battle plan, Leo Tarkesian? For I wish to be victorious, and also to charm Madeleine Cobb!”

“Uh, my ma used to make these real nice pumpkin cookies. Was thinkin we make some fillin to go in ‘em and make us some whoopie pies. Y’know, do ‘em up fancy-like.”

“Very well. We shall make whoopie!”

“Pies, Minerva, whoopie pies”

“It is not sporting to eavesdrop, Wayne Newton.”

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“We could make cookies? Oh! What if we did them in the shape of Dr. Harris Bonkers?”

“I think we lost our rabbit cookie-cutter in the blender incident, firebug.”

“Damn it.”

“We could make cupcakes. Barclay taught me his basic recipe, and I can modify it a little to be fall-ish.”

“You’re so smart.” Aubrey kisses her nose, “okay, you bake, I’ll decorate.”

Dani starts mixing ingredients together, while Aubrey takes stock of the sprinkle situation. As she’s doing so, she spots Hollis whisking something over the stove while Jake hands them ingredients. Whatever it is smells delicious, so good that she wants to lick the air.

Hmm, that’s not great in terms of their odds.

With practiced sleight of hand, the sugar at the Hornet station becomes salt. Jake will forgive her for the prank. He loves pranks.

Two minutes later, she hears Hollis make a “bleh” sound.

“What the fuck, this is salt!? I know I got sugar out.”

Her giggle gives her away.

“Aw, what the heck bro!”

“All’s fair in love, war, and dish-duty avoidance, Jake.”

“That so?” Hollis cocks an eyebrow, and it distracts Aubrey from the handful of flour that Jake launches her way.

She shrieks out a laugh, shakes the powder from her hair and flicks a cloud of it towards him with spell.

Unfortunately, said spell goes a bit wide and hits Indrid, coating his glasses.

“Oh, bother.” He reaches for them.

“‘Drid wait you’re right by-”

Clang

“Ooops, sorry Barclay, I didn’t mean to knock your bowl over.”

“Uh huh, sure.” Barclay smirks, eyeing first their brownie mix and then the nearby jar of chili powder.

“Don’t you dare.” Red eyes narrow.

“Wayne Newton, your consorts’ wing is getting feathers in our batter!”

“Minerva, for fuck’s sake, you can call me Duck.”

“Duck!”

“That’s betterACKfuck.” Duck splutters, spots the culprit in the form of Leo holding a formerly full bag of powdered sugar.

“That was a dirty trick old man!”

“What’re you gonna do about it?”

“Gonna make sure you get flour where the sun don’t shine.” He dives after an escaping Leo, leaving their station unattended. Barclay steps over and calmly dumps most of the chili powder into it their bowl. Turns back to his station, only to find Indrid holding his and Sterns batter out of the agents reach.

With a wide grin, Indrid unfurls his tongue.

“Don’t even think about it.” Barclay growls. Indrid locks eyes with him as he jams his tongue into the bowl and repeatedly licks the mixture.

“Gah, that’s so unsanitary!” Stern yells. Barclay takes off his bracelet, and as soon as he’s in his Sylph form Indrid drops the bowl and tries to run.

“Oh no you don’t, not letting you get moth cooties on more of my ingredients!”

Indrid chirrs in amusement, flapping his wings to keep Barclay at bay and sending up a cloud of dry ingredients. It settles just in time for Stern to see Jake trying to steal their remaining yeast. So he grabs the sprayer nozzle from the nearby sink and points it at the younger man.

“C’mon bro” Jake takes off his disguise, “you couldn’t possibly hurt this face.”

Stern sprays him, covers his mouth with his hand to laugh as Jake shakes the water from his fur and poofs up.

Jake shrugs, “your loss dude.”

“What do you mean my- Hollis get back here with that dough! The kitchen is no place for stunts!”

“Fight the power!”

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“Duck, Indrid, you’re up first.”

Indrid sets the plates down with a triumphant flourish. Juno’s face lights up.

“Oh hell yeah, Mama Newtons brownie recipe.”

She takes an enormous bite. The frantically grabs for her water.

“Blegh, Duck, why are they so spicy?”

“There was an incident with some spices and we did not have time to make new batter.”

“That got anythin to do with why Duck is covered in powdered sugar.”

“Yes.”

“Huh. Well, nice try fellas and- Indrid would you stop lickin him-I can see what you were goin for, but let’s see what Hollis and Jake did.”

As Jake sets out the bowls, Hollis says, “we made bee-sting pudding, with bourbon whipped cream on top.”

“Why friend Hollis, that’s a remarkably refined dish, bravo.” Ned eyes his pudding happily.

“Thanks. I think. Anyway.” They point to the bowls. All four judges take a bite, and proceed to make rather comical faces.

“Hollis, is it supposed to be this salty?” Thacker rubs his tongue with a napkin.

“No.”

“Oh, uh, I see.”

Minerva and Leo are up next, with the warrior taking extra care when setting Mama’s plate in front of her.

“Leo?”

��Yeah, Juno?”

“Please tell me the black feathers are made of chocolate or something?” She eyes the whoopie pie worriedly while Mama picks feathers off of hers.

“Can I get away with sayin their garnish?”

Thacker, Ned, and Juno all push their plates back. Mama takes a small bite, “I mean, the parts that don’t got feathers in ‘em are good, but that ain’t all that much of ‘em. Good try.” This she directs at Minerva with an odd little smile.

“Barclay, whadaya got?”

“Nothing.” The cook grumbles.

“We lost one batch of dough to, ah, contamination, and the other to some ‘stunts.’”

“O-kay. Aubrey, Dani?”

“Tadah!” Aubrey sets a plate of cupcakes down, all frosted in bright orange with black, glittery sprinkles.

Ned nibbles one rather daintily to keep frosting out of his beard (Thacker makes no such attempt), Juno takes one bite and moans, and Mama downs hers and says, “thank fuck.”

“Gonna go ahead and say it;s unanimous. Aubrey and Dani, you win.”

“Woohoo!” Aubrey shouts, then dips Dani in a celebratory kiss.

“Wait, hang on a second, they’re the ones who started the whole mess back there.” Duck protests.

Mama regards the pair, who don matching sheepish expressions, “That so? Well, they still win this, so they ain’t cleanin up from dinner next week.”

The others groan.

“They are, however, cleanin up from whatever the hell went on back there today.”

#promptober #TAZ Amnesty #Indruck #sternclay #danbrey #hollice #hijinks

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concealeddarkness13 · 4 years

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A New Dawn Part 8

In which Kai and Rat steal, and Kai actually opens up. Tagging my collaborator @ratracechronicler!

Intro

Kai: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7

Rat: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7

That afternoon, after Motor left for his home, as we returned to the hotel, I stole some more machines to use in my alien shield machine. When we got back to the hotel room, I pulled out the few machines I got and started disassembling them to put the parts I needed into the alien shield machine.

Rat sat down right next to me and leaned close so that her face was a few inches from mine. I still didn’t look up from my machines. She stared at me. “I been thinking…”

“Dangerous,” I muttered.

She smirked. “You’ve been getting sticky fingers. Getting your hands on little trinkets here and there. You’ve got a couple better options for parts. One, we ask Eli’s bro, and he dumps a junkyard on our heads, but that might take time. Two, we go garbage-diving, which my dignity cannot stand right now. Dunno about yours. Three, we go splitting. For those in the crowd new to Tersatellan crime, that means we steal from some residencies.”

Splitting was a cool name for stealing. Residencies on the other hand… “Why don’t you just call them ‘houses’?”

Rat brushed it off. “There’s a difference. I forget what it is. Probably resis are more Plexus-controlled.” Eh. They were still houses. “We are very sensitive about it. Don’t question it. Doesn’t matter. All you need to know is, they’ve got shiny things inside of them that might help with your extracurricular activities here.”

I almost told her what I was working on, but I stopped myself. If she knew I was working on a machine that could protect me from the aliens’ emotion meddling, she might assume that I was planning on going off on my own to find them (which wasn’t the case yet), so she wouldn’t help me. And anyway, it would be nice to steal with someone else again. A smile pulled at my lips. I tinkered with the new machine a little longer, but there wasn’t more that I could do, so I stood up and wiped the grease off on my pants. “What kind of stealing?”

“Maybe some beacons, some junctioners—high-tech stuff. And some blenders or sun lamps if we find anything good. One little four-room nearby I got my eye on. Won’t take long. I got a plan.”

The last time she had an idea, she took me to that party, and I still didn’t understand why that was supposed to be fun. But still, stealing with her should be a lot more fun. “You have a plan. I like the sound of this already.”

Rat grinned and ran off. “Eli! Would it be okay if we dropped you off at the Academy and look around or sign up or whatever you wanna do? It’s girl time—Kai and I are going shopping.”

“I’ll stay behind and sleep, or guard our room.”

I frowned and walked over to where they were talking. It wasn’t fair that Eli wasn’t coming with us. “You’re not coming?”

He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. “I’m, ah, not much for the thieving scene myself.”

Rat laughed. “He’s got the moves for it, but he’s too moral.”

I stayed quiet as Rat brought me down to the car and drove off. I had to keep a mental checklist of what I still needed and how it would need to be put together now that I didn’t have my machine to tell me all of it. I should be able to remember what I needed, but I wanted to make sure.

Rat glanced over at me. “He’s also gonna establish an alibi for us. Not that I plan on being so sloppy as to get accused of anything. Now, how’s your search engine?”

“My what?”

“Y’know. That thing in your head, helps you look for electrical stuff.”

I looked around and frowned. Still no machines. “Still inoperative.”

“Lovely. You’ll have to do this the old-fashioned way, then. Sorry. At least there’s not much more my own Reaching can do to you.” She glanced over at me again. “That’s what I call it—my curse thing where I can ID and X-out stuff.”

“Have you…always been able to—” Crap. I shouldn’t be pushing her to talk about something she probably didn’t want to talk about. “I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk about it.”

“It’s fine. The control thing is new. Like, I’ve only been able to do it on purpose for maybe a couple weeks. Or not do it. But, I mean, as far as I can remember, it’s just…happened.” She shook her head with a smile. “Having it under wraps’s gonna help us. Don’t worry about me. Under control. The swoop we’re gonna pull’s called glace noir—I name all my heist plans after drinks. This one’s where we cut a resi’s power and then rob it while everyone’s gone.”

I frowned. How tight was security in these houses? “Why do you have to cut the power if they’ll be gone? Are there defenses?”

“They’re inside to begin with, but—look around while your vision’s clear.” I looked around, but it was all the same houses spaced evenly apart. “We’re in a neighborhood now, see? Low residencies. No windows. Cut the power, and it goes pitch black in there, except sometimes a safety light to guide you to an exit. Plus they’re shut pretty tight, so if you’re not letting in air somehow…they’re not safe without power. It’ll give us a 10-15 minute window to sneak in and have our run of the place before operatives show up to fix the problem. Capiche?”

Ten to fifteen minutes would be plenty of time. “I think so.” I bounced my leg as I stared out the window. This was going to be good. Rat went over a few more details as she parked.

I followed Rat’s lead as we snuck through the dark to get to the house Rat wanted to steal from. When we reached the house, Rat cracked open the door, and I frowned. “It’s not even locked?”

She smiled back at me. “Most residencies aren’t. Welcome to Tersatellus. They trust each other too much here.”

Well, that would be easier back on my planet. I didn’t have time to think too much about that because the lights went off in the house. Someone screamed inside, and Rat pulled me into a shed. When nothing happened, Rat snuck out, and I waited.

“No one really cares about you. You’re just a burden to them.”

I hissed out a breath at the whisper. And I glanced behind me, but of course no one was there. Was I just imagining the voices now?

Rat came back and gestured me forward, and I pushed away the thoughts. Right. I had to focus on stealing. She led me into the house, and I grinned as I panned my flashlight over all the useful stuff. Rat laughed. “We’re in. Alright. These things aren’t entirely soundproof, as you heard, so we can talk, but keep your voice down. From the light around the corner, it looks like they didn’t shut the door, so avoid the living room. Meet me back here in ten minutes, or when you hear someone at the front door. Go.”

I rushed for the kitchen and grabbed what I knew I needed, and then I moved on to the rooms. These guys had so much tech. Why did they need so much? Surely, they wouldn’t miss it.

“You’re weak and pathetic. You can’t do anything on your own. And you won’t be able to protect your friends from us.”

I growled and snatched a necklace. I…I wasn’t useless. I had survived on my own for years. And anyway, I had to focus. I only had a few more minutes. I grabbed one more machine and snuck back to the kitchen.

At least I was there first. When Rat walked in, I forced a grin and pulled out all the stuff I had grabbed. She grinned back. “You made really great work of a quick job, lady. Real—”

Voices. People were coming through the back door. I automatically run for the front door, and Rat is right in front of me. I push all the tech into my pockets as Rat peaked outside. “One guy by the street with his back turned.” She paused. “Follow my lead quick and quiet.”

I nodded, and Rat dashed out of the door. I followed her up onto a box and up to the roof. She smiled over at me, and I smiled back. See, stupid whispers in my head? Rat cares.

She beckoned for me to go to the middle of the roof, and we stayed away from the edges. “All we gotta do is wait til they clear the back area—then we run that way a bit, get lost in the crowd and walk very casually back to the car.”

I eyed her. “If we get caught, we’re no longer friends.”

Rat suppressed a snort. “I shall weep for a thousand and one nights. You know, escaping jail together is also a great bonding experience.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but someone cried out. Rat snuck up to the edge of the roof, and she whispered back at me. “They went inside. We’re loose!” Rat jumped off the roof, and I followed, but I hissed out a breath. How could she do that without wincing? Rat grabbed my hand before I could fully recover, and she dragged me to the car. She jumped into the driver’s seat, and once I was secure, she drove out of the neighborhood, flashing a conspiratorial smile my way. I smiled back, but now that the need to focus was gone, the thoughts returned. Crap. I just tried to keep pushing them away while Rat drove back.

That night, while Rat and Eli were asleep, I held a dim flashlight in my mouth as I worked on the alien shield machine. I wouldn’t be able to make it as quickly as I would have with my machine working, so I had to use all the time I had to finish it. I’d rather it be done before we left Joanndu so it would be ready for whatever came with the next city we headed for.

I woke up with the machine on the bed in front of me and the flashlight on the floor still on. Rat was standing over me, frowning. I blinked a few times and sat up.

She huffed. “You stayed up all night working on that machine?”

“Clearly not,” I mumbled. “Or I would still be awake.”

Eli laughed from the next room, and Rat rolled her eyes. “Well, I have some parties we’re going to go to today, but you can work on it until then. There’s not one I want to go to for a few hours, so you can get going.” She walked to the other room where Eli was, and I grabbed the flashlight, turned it off, and put it on the table next to my bed. I got started disassembling some more of the stolen machines as they started talking in the other room.

“I’ve got some stuff to do, so would you be okay hanging out with Kai while I’m gone?” Eli must have nodded because Rat spoke again. “Thanks. It’s nothing to be worried about. I’ll be fine.”

They talked more quietly, enough that I couldn’t tell what they were saying anymore. But that was interesting. Rat also had things she would rather do alone.

Rat left shortly after her conversation with Eli, and when he was done getting ready, he sat on the bed next to mine and stared at me as I kept disassembling the machines. I couldn’t work as fast as I normally could, and that was annoying.

Eli leaned forward. “So, what are you working on?”

I hesitated. Would it be okay to tell him? Would he want to stop me because I was working on a machine to help against the aliens? But he just seemed curious, and he was nice. Hopefully, he wouldn’t stop me. “You remember how Tila had some kind of perimeter around her that caused anyone in it to lose their emotions and just feel calm?” He nodded. “Well, I came up with a machine that can combat it. It won’t be able to completely negate the effects of the emotion stealing, but it will help a lot.”

Eli grinned. “That’s amazing! But…how will you be able to make it now that you don’t have that machine working?”

“I planned it out before it stopped working, so I just have to make sure I remember what I need and how to make it. And I still understand machines even when my machine is not working.”

“Wow. That’s amazing. We’ve really got to let you meet my brother. The only problem is I don’t know if we’ll be able to pull you away from him.” He laughed, and a small smile pulled at my lips. He was just so sincere.

I was not used to talking while I was working, but since he was here… “So, what was this extermination you were talking about yesterday?”

He laughed. “Oh, that. Remember the death trap race I mentioned on our last day in Pike? Well, that was the extermination. It’s meant to take all the worst criminals and reform them into “upstanding members of society”. Needless to say, it didn’t work the way it was supposed to. But I joined because I heard that anyone who was participating was in even greater danger than they were supposed to be, so I joined to protect them and get all of them out alive, if I could.”

“Did it work?”

He nodded. “Actually, it did. There were so many times when I thought we were all going to die, but we somehow made it all out alive.

“There were so many times when I thought we were all going to die, but we somehow made it all out alive. On the very first night, we got stranded on a condemned island, and we found out there are these creatures about two or three meters high with sharp claws and rotating teeth and a huge sticky tongue hanging out the backs of their heads that they’d invert out through their mouths to catch prey.” That sounded terrifying. “They, uh, liked iron, I guess, so whenever anyone got cut, they’d swarm. They didn’t know what to make of me.” He frowned at that. “They like iron but hate electricity. It’s weird. We had to deal with them the entire extermination. We called them leeches.

“They crashed our party the second night—it didn’t go well, but I remember that a lot of it was sort of fun, running after them with swords. That was when I learned that Rat enjoys parties and will wear dresses just as readily as pants and hoodies.” Couldn’t relate to that. “She’s very…well, anyway.” He flushed bright red, and I had to force myself to not say a sarcastic comment. He was too nice to make a sarcastic comment yet.

He continued after he finally stopped blushing. “I think it was…the fourth day that we found the…I guess you’d call her the mother of all leeches? Dismater. Like a mega-leech that controlled the entire sea’s version of the Plexus. She could shapeshift, too—pretend to be Rat’s sister just to mess with us. That was a tough day. Well, they all were. Dismater wanted us dead because she thought that’s what Tersatellus wanted. And her leeches would try to steal us and drag us somewhere—we lost Voxel on the second day and Spike on the third. Obviously, they lived, but it was…difficult.”

Rat returned while he was telling me the last story, and she smiled and sat down beside him. She leaned against him, and he flushed as he finished it up. And I was able to finish the alien shield machine as he finished as well. When he was done talking, I held it up to examine it and make sure it was actually functional.

Eli stared at it. “Is it finished?”

“No, I’m just holding it up in front of my face because I don’t know what else to do with it.”

Eli actually looked concerned. “Is…is that sarcasm?”

I nodded as Rat snorted. “Congrats. What’s this machine of yours do?”

Eli grinned and spoke up before I could. “She’s making something that will mostly protect us from the aliens’ powers that can make us not feel any emotions except peace. Isn’t that cool?”

“Huh.” Rat eyed me, and I held the machine tighter. I wasn’t going to let her destroy it just to make sure that I didn’t run off. “Well, I’ve never felt that, but I’ll take your word on it. Hopefully, you’re not making it to run off after those jellyfish alone.” I shook my head. At least not yet. She clapped her hands and smiled. “You two better be ready. We need to leave soon for the parties!”

Crap. I hadn’t even changed or anything. I ran off, but I could hear Eli and Rat talking quietly as I left. Were they keeping something from me? What was going on?

The party we first went to was as loud and crowded as the one in Pike, but there were some differences. Everyone, besides us, was dressed in some kind of ridiculous outfit. Rat had told us it was called fashion in Joanndu. Also, there was a dance performance happening on a stage while everyone else danced on the floor below the stage.

While Rat and Eli danced with the crowd, I slipped through it to get to a place where I could see the performance. It was amazing. I watched it for a while before I heard a whisper in my ear. “Don’t take your eyes off your so-called friends. We’re always watching.” I stiffened. Crap.

I pushed back through the crowd, but Rat and Eli weren’t where I had left them. I searched everywhere, brushing past so many oblivious people, until I found them sitting at a table eating food. I relaxed and collapsed into the seat next to them. At least they were fine.

Rat frowned at me. “What’s with the expression? We realized you were interested in watching the performance, so we knew where you were. We weren’t going to leave you, if that’s what you were worried about.”

I just shook my head. “It’s nothing.” I stayed close to them for the rest of the party, though. But there were no problems. We left and headed to the next party.

This one wasn’t so much a party as it was a play. I glanced over at Rat. “I thought you wanted to go to a party.”

She shook her head with a smile. “Rude. This is actually the premiere of this play. You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to secure us tickets to this.”

“Or you just stole them.”

“Even ruder to insinuate that an upstanding citizen like me would ever steal for my own personal gain.”

We shared a smile before the play started, and I turned my attention to that. I had never actually been to a play before, so that helped push away the worries about the aliens. It was a wonderful play, all about righteous heroes and evil villains.

When the play was over, Rat pulled us to a few more parties. They were enjoyable enough, but I was dragging my feet when we were done. The sun was barely even setting, and all I wanted was to go back to the hotel and fall asleep.

While we were walking, Rat and Eli talked about how much fun the parties were. I smiled at them, but I was too tired to contribute to the conversation. Then, of course, someone had to whisper in my ear.

“Oh dear child, we know where you are. And we know where you’re going. You won’t ever be safe from us, and if you continue on this path, everyone close to you will get hurt.”

I didn’t even try to look around this time. I knew I wouldn’t see anyone. But still, I tensed. That had been Tila’s voice. Was she here? Either way, I was so tired of hearing voices. I had the machine ready. If I could find the aliens and stop them now, would Rat and Eli be safe?

We returned to the hotel room, and I grabbed my machine as Rat and Eli kept chatting. But I had to at least tell them before running off.

I didn’t look them in the eyes. I knew they wouldn’t like this, but I couldn’t stand it any longer. “I’m going to go do something. I’ll be back.”

Rat snorted as I tried to walk off, and she grabbed my arm. I stopped, but I didn’t turn back to look at her. “Whoa. What are you doing? You’re not going anywhere by yourself. Especially not with that machine. You’re planning on finding those jellyfish, aren’t you?”

“I need to.”

Eli walked up so he was standing beside her as she laughed. “Need to get yourself captured or killed? That sounds like a great idea.”

Eli frowned. “Just tell us what’s been going on. It’s okay. Why are you so jumpy about this?”

I shook my head. If I told them, if I involved them, they would just get hurt. “I…I can’t.”

Rat’s hand tightened around my arm. “And why the hell not? I’m not going to lose you to those stupid jellyfish just because you think you’re invincible! It doesn’t work like that! You’re just going to do exactly what they want!”

Why, why couldn’t they just understand? “Because I don’t want you to get hurt! Because I know it’s a stupid plan, but I can’t stand their whispers in my head, their threats against you! I hate being the reason you’re in danger! I can’t let this continue!”

Rat frowned and pulled me back toward the beds, and I didn’t fight her. She had me sit on one bed, and they both sat on the other. She leaned forward and stared at me. “Okay. Tell us what’s going on here. You’ve been jumpy for a while. I know that what happened with Motor would make you nervous, but this has been happening even before that.”

I bowed my head. I wouldn’t be able to brush it off this time. “I’ve been hearing the aliens whispering in my ears since Pike. They’ve been telling me that I’m alone, and that anyone who is close to me will be hurt. I especially hear it when I’m actually feeling comfortable and happy. They’re doing this because of me, so I want to be the one to stop them.”

Rat looked over at Eli. “Well, screw them then.”

Eli shook his head and watched me with concern in his eyes. “Don’t you see that that’s what they want? They want to get you alone. That’s probably their plan. Please don’t go after them, especially alone.”

I frowned and actually looked at them. “But—”

Rat scoffed. “You think we’re scared of a few stupid jellyfish? Didn’t you hear the stories Eli was telling you about the extermination? We’ve survived plenty of things we shouldn’t have. Anyway, as I’ve already said, you’re my gangster, so I don’t care what you’re bringing after us. That’s just what happens.” She sighed. “Tell you what, let’s just leave the situation now, and if there’s any evidence of them in Fre Jac-Mac, we’ll deal with it then.”

I frowned. I’d rather finish this now, but she had a point. They probably wanted me to pursue them now. “Fine.”

Eli grinned, and Rat nodded. “Good. Now, let’s get some sleep. I want to be on the road for Fre Jac-Mac early in the morning.”

#writeblr #a new dawn

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welcometothepenumbra · 6 years

Text

JUNO STEEL AND THE FINAL RESTING PLACE

SOUND: DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS, RAIN.

MUSIC: STARTS.

CONCIERGE: Good evening, Traveler. Welcome to The Penumbra.

SOUND: KEYS JINGLING.

These may be Detective Steel’s final moments, dear Traveler. Trapped miles underground and abandoned by the thief who promised to save him, only Miasma decides whether Detective Steel lives, or dies.

He’s in there now, Traveler. If we step in, we may lose the old Juno Steel forever. There is still time, of course: time to turn back, time to allow Detective Steel to forever remain as we remember him. And if you wish to turn back, dear Traveler, now is your chance.

Very well, then.

SOUND: THREE KNOCKS. SILENCE.

Come, Traveler. Come with me into room J-18.

SOUND: DOOR CREAKING OPEN.

Juno Steel and the Final Resting Place.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. GATE OPENS.

MIASMA: Juno Steel. I’m afraid your time has come at last.

JUNO: Diving into another mind this early? Should’ve given me some warning – I would have brought my swim trunks.

MIASMA: That won’t be necessary. I’ve found a way to manage the end of this process without you.

MUSIC: STARTS.

JUNO: Hey, hey, w-what are you—

MIASMA: Assistant. Kill him.

JUNO (NARRATOR): It’s been coming down to this for days. A dark cell, in a Martian tomb, two masked assistants crowding me on either side. Miasma standing in the doorway, looking at me with all the interest she’d give an old chair she’s been meaning to throw out for weeks. My name’s Juno Steel, and this is probably where I die.

MUSIC: STOPS.

JUNO: Whoa, whoa, aren’t you putting the cart before the booster here a little bit? How are you gonna gloat if I’m dead?

MIASMA: I don’t need to gloat, Juno Steel. I just need to win.

JUNO: What happened to your plan, the whole—

MIASMA: Assistant, I’ve had enough of this. Kill him, or, give the gun to me and I’ll do it.

JUNO (NARRATOR): One of the assistants places the barrel of a pistol up against my head. Hard.

SOUND: GUN COCKING.

It’s a big barrel for a big, big gun.

MIASMA: That’s more like it. Clean up when you’re done.

JUNO (NARRATOR): The pistol pulls back, just a millimeter. I feel the hand on the other end of it flex.

When Nureyev disappeared, days ago now, he promised me he’d be back before it was too late. Well buddy, clock’s tickin’. Where the hell are ya?

SOUND: TWO BLASTER SHOTS, GRUNT, THUDS.

JUNO: That was cold, killing the two of them so fast.

NUREYEV: Apologies, Juno, but I didn’t think diplomacy would be quick enough for this rescue operation.

SOUND: CLINK.

JUNO (NARRATOR): He pulls off the mask, and there he is: Peter Nureyev, looking like a knight in stolen armor. I don’t want to admit it, but… it’s a weight off, seeing him again.

NUREYEV: If you’d like to swoon and fall into my arms, now would be an excellent time.

JUNO: Don’t get a fat head about it—

NUREYEV: My head is perfectly-sized, and we both know it.

JUNO: Even with Miasma dead, we’re not out of the woods yet. We can’t afford for anyone to raise the alarm before we find the weapon.

NUREYEV: So we have to hide the bodies – yes, yes, help me get them in the cell. You drag the guard, and I’ll take…

JUNO: Nureyev?

NUREYEV: Hmm?

JUNO: Where are the bodies?

NUREYEV: They appear to have… vanished.

JUNO: …That ever happen to you before?

NUREYEV: I’m typically the one disappearing, not the one left behind.

SOUND: HISSING, DISTANT BANGS.

JUNO: The hell was that?

NUREYEV: I have no idea. It could be… this is an ancient tomb deep beneath the surface of the planet. It’s entirely possible that the walls are just… shifting… basic plate tectonics.

JUNO: I might not have done so well in physical science, Nureyev, but I think I’d remember the day the teacher said that the same thing that caused earthquakes also makes corpses disappear.

NUREYEV: Keep your head, Juno. Just because we’ve come up against something unexpected doesn’t mean we should jump to conclusions.

JUNO: Honestly, I would love to, but I can’t think of a single goddamn conclusion to jump to.

SOUND: DISTANT METAL CLANGING, HISSING.

Actually, scratch that. I got a conclusion for you: I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.

NUREYEV: Well, dislike it while we walk, at least. We have quite a way to go.

JUNO (NARRATOR): We make our way down the hall; I just wanna get the hell out of there and see the sun again, but there’s something big we have to do first and we both know it.

NUREYEV: Before I came to collect you I did a bit of poking around throughout this base. It sounds like the Martian weapon is being kept in a huge storage and records chamber at the end of this hall.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

JUNO (NARRATOR): So we keep going deeper and deeper down that twisting hall. Those Martians must have had a hell of a lot of people to bury. There’s always another turn, another door, another staircase up or down…

NUREYEV: The final chamber’s behind those large doors just ahead.

JUNO: Does this place seem sort of… I don’t know, empty to you? We haven’t seen a single assistant.

NUREYEV: I’ve lived through too many rough escapes to turn down a smooth one, Juno. Let’s just assume it will all go swimmingly until it doesn’t, shall we?

SOUND: DISTANT BLASTER SHOTS.

Right on cue. Quickly, behind me.

SOUND: QUICK FOOTSTEPS.

JUNO (NARRATOR): We cram ourselves to one side of the hall and wait, holding our breath. Down the hall, a door opens.

SOUND: DOOR CREAKING OPEN, BLASTER FIRE.

NUREYEV: It’s one of the assistants. Shoot him, Juno!

JUNO: Hang on, he’s…

SOUND: BLASTER SHOT.

He’s not firing at us.

JUNO (NARRATOR): He isn’t. In fact, he’s shooting into the room he just came out of. Backing away, hands shaking. He backs himself across the hall, towards the final chamber where we’re headed.

SOUND: RELEASE OF AIR, MECHANICAL HUM. BLASTER FIRE.

Those double doors open. He falls back into it, and the door slams behind him.

SOUND: HISS OF AIR, MECHANICAL WHIRRING.

NUREYEV: What do you suppose he was firing at?

JUNO: That many blasts with a gun that size… I’m not sure it matters, whatever it was before, it’s probably paste by now.

And if it isn’t… honestly, I’d rather not see it.

NUREYEV: Agreed. I’ll take point in the final chamber and eliminate the assistant while you barricade the door behind us?

JUNO: Got it.

SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. BUZZ, RELEASE OF AIR, MECHANICAL HUM.

Done. You take care of that assistant yet, Nureyev? …Nureyev?

NUREYEV: I would love to, Juno, but he… isn’t here.

JUNO (NARRATOR): I turn to see what Nureyev’s looking at. An assistant’s mask is lying on the floor, but– but there’s nobody around to wear it.

JUNO: He couldn’t have just disappeared, right? This big room, he must be somewhere in here.

NUREYEV: He certainly… could be.

Up on that pedestal, it looks like the case with the Egg of Purus in it. Let’s just take it and leave – quickly.

JUNO (NARRATOR): There’s something about this room I don’t like. Something besides the fact that someone just disappeared in it, I mean.

Miasma was collecting ancient Martian junk for years and whatever she wanted it for was supposed to happen in this room. The gang’s all here: the key, the mask, the throne, the teleporter, and a bunch of other Martian odds and Martian ends that are all raised on a platform in one end of the room. And even higher behind them sits the Martian weapon: the Egg of Purus. The only thing not here is the Saffron pill.

Well… it was the only thing not here. Until I showed up.

SOUND: CLICK, SCRAPING.

NUREYEV: (STRAINED) The damned… egg… won’t move. It must be fastened to the box somehow.

JUNO: Can’t you cut it off or something? I just wanna take the egg and get out of here.

NUREYEV: If you want to play with a knife around a bomb of this power, Juno, I’ll hand you mine. I will ask that you give me one hour and thirty-seven minutes to escape Mars first.

JUNO: How do you know it would take… never mind, of course you do.

Well, there’s gotta be something in this room to help us with this stupid bomb, right? It’s not like she was gonna just let the thing blow up her base.

NUREYEV: Seems as though she’s kept some records down there. Let’s start looking.

JUNO (NARRATOR): I didn’t even notice the records until Nureyev pointed them out.

The room’s packed tight enough to make a sardine feel crowded, arranged with boxes and shelves and bizarre lab equipment. I don’t know what kinds of experiments Miasma was up to in here, but they don’t look like the kind of experiments you walk away from in one piece.

SOUND: PAPER RUSTLING.

NUREYEV: These appear to be Miasma’s translations of ancient Martian texts. If she plans to use that bomb, one of these must have told her how. With any luck, it will tell us how to disarm and detach it as well.

JUNO: Great. So we’re looking for an ancient Martian instruction manual. You know, if she was organized, we’d find it somewhere between the instructions for the ancient Martian egg beater and the ancient Martian blender.

SOUND: DISTANT BANGS, INDISTINCT NOISES.

How about I go check on the barricade.

NUREYEV: I’ll keep reading. Stay within my line of sight.

JUNO (NARRATOR): There are carvings on the walls in this room, too. Pictures and symbols and strange shapes.

SOUND: UNINTELLIGIBLE WHISPERS.

Something about those things always makes me feel like they’re watching me, whispering to one another.

VOICE: (WHISPERING) Juno Steel…

JUNO: What was that?!

NUREYEV: What was what, Juno?

JUNO: I… nevermind. Must be hearing things, or somethin’.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

Barricade’s intact, looks like one of these boxes just hit the ground. Must have been unbalanced or somethin’.

NUREYEV: What’s in it?

JUNO: Must be a hundred boxes just like this one in here. Whatever’s inside must be important.

SOUND: HISS, LATCH UNLOCKING.

Hear that sound? It means they’re freshhhh, uh…

SOUND: RATTLING.

Whatever they are. “Take two daily with ten milligrams of water, wait at least three hours after consumption before attempting… reproductive activities.” Well, that seems kinda personal.

NUREYEV: The door. Is there anything else we can do to secure it?

JUNO: I mean, I could shove an even bigger box in front of it—

NUREYEV: Juno—

JUNO: Kidding. Kidding, there’s a panel right here. I’ll see if I can lock the door.

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS.

Hey, uh, Nureyev?

NUREYEV: Yes?

JUNO: …This says there are two doors to the room.

NUREYEV: There couldn’t be.

JUNO: There are. It could be a mistake, but… I’m just gonna lock ‘em both.

SOUND: MORE BEEPS.

NUREYEV: That sounds like a very good idea.

SOUND: LOUD SUCTION, CLANK.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Airlocks activated.

NUREYEV: That’s… quite a lock. You don’t think this was where—

JUNO: Where Miasma was gonna hide after she set off her bomb? Yeah, I do, actually. I think the box that fell might have been full of of nutrient capsules, long-term bomb shelter food, the kind of stuff they used to hand out during the war.

Set off the bomb, seal the airlock, and live alone in here on nutrient soup while everyone rots on the surface. She was close. But this means the bomb must be dirty, right? It gets in the air or something.

Nureyev? …Nureyev?!

NUREYEV: Hmm? Oh, apologies, Juno. I’ve just found something we might find useful.

JUNO: Just try not to give me a heart attack every time you pick up a good book, alright?

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

NUREYEV: I’ll try not to make a habit of it.

JUNO: So. What’d you find?

SOUND: PAPER RUSTLING.

NUREYEV: These appear to be some sort of instructions for activating the weapon, but… they’re only partially translated. “Press our hand upon our Purus Egg,” something something, “watch the numbers as they fall,” and then “our planet will be clean again.”

JUNO: Then what?

NUREYEV: I thought that was rather a lot.

JUNO: Well, that didn’t tell us a damn thing. Keep looking.

NUREYEV: Of course it did. It told us the Purus Egg has a timer before it detonates: “Watch the numbers as they fall.” And it told us how to activate the egg, too—

JUNO: Yeah, I got that, but it was wrong, Nureyev; it said you just have to touch it to start the timer, and you already did that on the train.

NUREYEV: That is true. But… it doesn’t say ‘a’ hand. It says ‘our’ hand.

JUNO: Yeah, but that thing says ‘our’ everything: our hand, our egg. Martians probably would have called it ‘our Earth’, too, if there weren’t a bunch of monkeys already running the place.

NUREYEV: This predates apes by about ten million years, Juno.

JUNO: Cave-monkeys, then.

NUREYEV: But perhaps – is it possible that the ‘our’ is intended literally? Only a Martian hand can activate the bomb.

JUNO: Well, how do we deactivate it, then?

NUREYEV: …This doesn’t say.

JUNO: Figures.

So… what do we do if it turns out you can’t deactivate the thing?

NUREYEV: Don’t be ridiculous. There must be a way to deactivate it – you don’t just build a weapon that goes off if you graze it and forget to add an off switch.

JUNO: Unless there’s no reason to have an off switch.

Unless you’ve weighed all the options ahead of time… decided it’s better if there’s no turning—

SOUND: BEEP, HISS OF AIR, MECHANICAL HUM.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Airlocks deactivated.

NUREYEV: What in the world?

JUNO: The lock system must be faulty, I’ll go take care of—

SOUND: BOOM, LOW RUMBLING.

JUNO: Dammit, what now?

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: The platform is now rising.

NUREYEV: The weapon, Juno!

JUNO: And that’s… it can’t be…

NUREYEV: Miasma.

JUNO (NARRATOR): It can’t be Miasma. I’d watched Nureyev shoot her, I’d heard her hit the floor and smelled that dead body smell that you can never quite pin and never, ever get used to. It can’t be her… but it is. Standing on that pedestal, her hands closing around the Egg of Purus. I don’t have time to think, so I don’t.

SOUND: BLASTER SHOT, THUMP.

NUREYEV: That was quite a shot.

JUNO: Compliment me later. That pedestal is still rising, and I don’t wanna know why. I’ll go check on the bomb, you head back to the console by the door and stop the pedestal.

NUREYEV: Alright.

SOUND: QUICK FOOTSTEPS.

JUNO (NARRATOR): I hoist myself up onto the pedestal and check the bomb. Symbols glow through the sides of the egg, and though I can’t read them, I can guess what they mean.

JUNO: Nureyev! Miasma started the damn bomb!

NUREYEV: (DISTANT) How much time do we have?

JUNO: I don’t know – the egg says ‘elephant’s foot, sideways W halfway into a gumbo.’

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS, DULL BOOM.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: The platform has stopped rising.

JUNO: Thanks.

NUREYEV: Check on Miasma. If your laser didn’t kill her, we might be able to get some information out of her.

JUNO On it.

JUNO (NARRATOR): I see where the platform’s been heading: a circular airlock in the ceiling, leading to a long, dark tunnel above. That probably goes all the way up to the surface. We came too close all over again.

There’s one thing I don’t see, though.

JUNO: Nureyev? I’ve looked all around this thing, but I… can’t find Miasma… Nureyev?

SOUND: LOW RUMBLING, GEARS TURNING.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: The platform is now rising.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

NUREYEV: (CHOKING)

MIASMA: Juno Steel.

SOUND: WEAK THUMPS.

MUSIC: STARTS.

Just in time to watch me kill your… Peter Nureyev.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Miasma. She’s sitting on Nureyev’s chest, her fingers tightening around his throat. She shouldn’t be able to hold him like that! She’s small, and old, and I’ve seen Nureyev escape from too many things to believe he could be caught by her. But Nureyev’s pinned. He looks beaten.

JUNO: Get off of him, Miasma.

MIASMA: Or what will you do, Juno Steel? Kill me? Again?

SOUND: THUMPS.

JUNO (NARRATOR): It’s just a hunch, but in a line of work like mine, you live and die on your hunches. Then you cross your fingers, and hope nobody else has to die on ‘em.

At the last second, I turn my gun away from her head and aim at her arms.

SOUND: TWO BLASTER SHOTS.

MIASMA: (GRUNTS)

NUREYEV: (GASPING)

SOUND: RUSTLING.

MIASMA: Very good, Juno Steel. I imagine you must have been a very good investigator… before you came up against me.

SOUND: SQUELCHES.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Her arms are still moving. They’re flopping around on the floor like dusty old eels. And she’s standing now, her arms ending a quarter of the way down. And her face… there’s always been something wrong with her face. Something that turns your stomach. Like a mirror halfway to funhouse. Wrong, but not wrong enough to register.

But now… now it’s like her skin was just a paper-thin membrane, floating on something… liquid. Rippling. One of her arms reforms, and then the other. And—

SOUND: SQUISHY, ZIPPING NOISES.

MIASMA & JUNO (NARRATOR): (IN UNISON) —these ones she doesn’t bother to cover.

JUNO: What the hell?!

MIASMA: Don’t look so surprised, Juno Steel. I told you I always get what I want.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Her hateful little eyes are pointed straight at me, bobbing on that waterbed face of hers. Looking at her makes me feel like my stomach is learning a new dance step but it’s worth it, because behind her, perfectly silently, Nureyev’s on his feet, headed for the panel by the door. Just a minute. I just need to stall for a minute.

JUNO: You want this? Seriously?

MIASMA: I have worked tirelessly to get what I want. I wanted the mask, so I took it. I wanted the teleporter, so I made it. I wanted the growth inside you, so I created it for myself. You have no right to stand in the way of what I’ve worked for, Juno Steel. What I’m owed.

JUNO: And… what do you want, Miasma?

JUNO (NARRATOR): Nureyev’s halfway to the door before Miasma catches him. Her arm cracks across the room like a bullwhip, but this time, he has his knife ready.

MIASMA: Back away from the panel, thief!

SOUND: BLADE SWINGS, WHIP CRACKS. SQUELCH. GRUNTS.

NUREYEV: Juno! Cover me!

SOUND: BLASTER SHOTS.

MIASMA: Attack me as much as you like. You’ll tire eventually, and I won’t. I always get what I want.

SOUND: SQUISHY, WET THUMPS. BLASTER FIRE.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Her arms keep lashing out after him. I keep shooting, and they keep coming, and– and then they aren’t her arms anymore. They’re just lashing out from every part of her, like she’s a thing without an outline—

SOUND: WHIP CRACKS.

—constantly spilling into weird, impossible shapes. And then she’s beside him again, and I don’t know how she got there. Just looking at her makes my head feel like it’s—

MIASMA & JUNO (NARRATOR): (IN UNISON) —going to split in two.

SOUND: WET THUD, SQUELCHES.

NUREYEV: (GRUNTING)

MIASMA: You can delay me all you like, but I always get what I want. Always.

SOUND: WHIP CRACKS. BLADE SWISHES. SQUISHY THUMPS. GRUNTS.

NUREYEV: Juno, the Purus Egg! Go deal with the egg!

JUNO (NARRATOR): The weapon. The pedestal’s high now, but I should be able to jump to it.

What the hell am I supposed to do when I get up there, though? I can’t disarm the bomb, and even if I can figure that one out, there’s still Miasma to deal with.

MIASMA: And I’m afraid Miasma will not be dealt with so easily.

SOUND: WHIP CRACK.

JUNO: (PAINED GRUNT)

JUNO (NARRATOR): She grabs me by the leg from across the room and pulls.

SOUND: TENTACLE SLAPS.

MIASMA: Come here, Juno Steel.

JUNO: (YELPING)

JUNO (NARRATOR): And she’s dragging me across the floor, that appendage of hers squeezing tighter and tighter, and more of them are coming. And more.

NUREYEV: Very rude of you, Miasma—

SOUND: WHIP CRACK.

—to interrupt me in the middle of our conversation!

SOUND: SQUELCHES. BLADE SLICING, STABBING. WHIP CRACKS.

Why don’t you and I continue this privately?

JUNO (NARRATOR): Nureyev’s hacking through her, shredding her to pieces, working so fast that she has to let go of me and turn back on him. I have to move quick before she starts trying to shred him. He won’t be coming back. I have to stop her, but we’re playing right into her hands.

MIASMA: Oh, what makes you think that, Juno Steel?

JUNO (NARRATOR): I have to stop the weapon. I have no idea how to stop the weapon… but Miasma does. And I can still look into her head. Can’t I?

MIASMA: No. Juno Steel!

NUREYEV: (PANTING) I told you, Miasma. Me. First.

JUNO (NARRATOR): It’s almost easy by now; I close my eyes, I reach out, feel for the cold, steely thing that Miasma has for a mind.

SOUND: STRANGE HUM.

It feels wrong, like I won’t fit, like her thoughts are wiggling and shifting around mine. I reach. The first spikes of pain push into my eye. I reach further, and finally I find the opening.

I pull.

SOUND: HUM & STATIC GETS LOUDER, THEN FADES OUT.

MIASMA: (DISTANT) Ancient Martians created the only society on record in which all citizens were completely equal. For them, there was no all. Only part…

JUNO (NARRATOR): A conference hall. Miasma’s standing before a near empty audience, her papers lined up in front of her.

I don’t have time for this! I keep pushing. Flipping deeper, deeper, moment after moment. A childhood trip to the park. A girl with her favorite book, reading beneath a shady tree. I keep looking. Birthday presents as big as your head, but… it’s just a lot of nothing.

You know how much of life is just nothing? Just the quiet moments of killing time between big things? You can’t get from ceremony to ceremony or murder to murder without all these times between where you fall asleep on the couch, eat soup for dinner—

MIASMA: (DISTANT) Assistant! Get back in there, you useless – if I have to tell you one more time! Do it properly!

SOUND: KEYBOARD CLICKING.

JUNO (NARRATOR): —write your papers, eat soup for dinner, yell at your employees, think about cleaning the house, eat soup for dinner, eat soup… for dinner. Wow, Miasma ate a lot of soup.

SOUND: SLURP.

But there’s no time! I need to defuse the bomb. So I keep pushing. Even if the pain in my eye is growing, even if it feels like the needles in my eye are taking root and spreading.

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS. LIQUID BUBBLING.

I see her gathering everything she needs down here. I feel how happy the thought of a clean, lonely planet makes her. No other voices – just quiet and thought.

MIASMA: (DISTANT) Yes… yes…

JUNO (NARRATOR): I am so close, I’m almost there. I can feel it. The bomb – how the hell do I defuse the bomb?

SOUND: LOW VIBRATION.

MIASMA: The Egg of Purus – using the teleportation technology – I’ll extract the traces of DNA – trapped in the folds of the Mask of Grimpotheuthis – the Throne of Architeuthis – and the Vampiris Key – my splicing technology will take care of the rest – a society of one, replicated one billion times – but the only one is me. And then, the Egg of Purus will be under my control. Unless…

JUNO (NARRATOR): So. Close.

MIASMA: The Egg of Purus… if I were to change my mind, all I would have to do is…

JUNO (NARRATOR): Damn you, just say it!

MIASMA: Oh, Juno Steel. You didn’t really think it would be that easy, did you?

SOUND: RUSHING STATIC. CRACKLING.

JUNO: (YELLS)

MIASMA: Welcome back, Juno Steel. Did you find what you were looking for?

JUNO (NARRATOR): I try to reach for her again – to read her mind, but I can’t. That part of me is just… gone.

JUNO: (YELLS LOUDER, GASPING)

JUNO (NARRATOR): Ow, my head, my eye… no, no – focus, Steel, focus. She has Nureyev against the wall now. He’s still fighting, but he doesn’t look like he has much fight left in him.

I can’t tell why, but the room looks off. Like someone’s tilted it since I left.

I take a shot.

SOUND: BLASTER SHOT, CLINK.

It goes wide. Real wide.

I feel something on my face and without thinking, bring my hand up to it. The hand comes away dripping and red, and I can’t see it until it’s a few inches away from my face.

What did I do? What the hell did I do to myself?

NUREYEV: (PANTING) Juno! Have you figured out how to stop the bomb yet?

SOUND: DISTANT WHIPPING, SQUISHING, STABBING.

JUNO (NARRATOR): As soon as he says that, I have it. I don’t even need to dive into Miasma’s head to figure it out. And the beautiful thing is it’ll take care of Miasma, too, all in one moment.

NUREYEV: Juno – quickly!

JUNO: I’ve got it! Just… hold on for one second!

JUNO (NARRATOR): I go to take another shot and think better of it. I’ll miss again, and I can’t risk hitting Nureyev. When I get close, though, close enough that I have to hit something, I lay into her.

SOUND: BLASTER FIRE.

MIASMA: Shoot as much as you’d like, Juno Steel. I have plenty of time.

NUREYEV: Glad you made it, Ju—

Juno… your eye…!

JUNO: Yeah, it’s beautiful in the moonlight, I know. Mind if we deal with this business right now?

SOUND: BLASTER FIRE. SQUELCHES. BLADE SLICING.

MIASMA: You can’t… hold me back… forever.

JUNO: Yeah, maybe not, but we can hold you back long enough. Nureyev, this way.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

JUNO (NARRATOR): We back up to the door, step by step. We work well together, Nureyev and I. We’re holding her back, and she doesn’t like it. My back hits the wall.

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS.

I reach for the panel with my free hand.

SOUND: BOOM, MECHANICAL WHIRR.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: The platform has stopped rising.

NUREYEV: Juno! What are you—

SOUND: WHIP CRACKS.

You’re going to set off the bomb in here.

JUNO: Guns and knives might not work, but we know one thing that can kill a Martian, don’t we?

MIASMA: Don’t be absurd.

SOUND: BLASTER FIRE. WHIP CRACKS.

JUNO: Just gotta make sure we’re not collateral here. Head out the door and I’ll cover you.

NUREYEV: Juno—

JUNO: Now!

NUREYEV: Alright. I’ll see you there, Juno.

MIASMA: Get back here!

SOUND: BLASTER FIRE.

JUNO: Hands off, Miasma!

NUREYEV: Juno, now! While she’s regenerating, you—

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS. WHIP CRACK. MECHANICAL WHIRR, LOUD SUCTION, CLANK.

MIASMA: No!

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Airlocks activated.

MIASMA: You idiot!

SOUND: BLASTER SHOTS. DULL POUNDING.

NUREYEV: (THROUGH THE DOOR) Juno! Juno, what are you doing?!

JUNO: This is the way it’s gotta be, Nureyev.

SOUND: SQUELCHES. BLASTER FIRE. WHIP CRACKS.

NUREYEV: (THROUGH THE DOOR) No, it isn’t. You self-aggrandizing—

JUNO: If I head out there with you, there’s nobody to stop her from getting to that panel, and sealing herself in here and sending that bomb up to the surface where it’ll make Mars a wasteland all over again.

NUREYEV: (THROUGH THE DOOR) You don’t have to do this alone, you idiot!

MIASMA: (GROWLS)

SOUND: BLASTER SHOTS. WHIP CRACKS.

JUNO: And add you onto the bill? I don’t think so. Just think of me as the price tag, Nureyev. The cost of a fresh shot at the world.

NUREYEV: (THROUGH THE DOOR) Open this door! Open it now!

SOUND: BANGING.

JUNO: It’s too late for that. I can’t read the numbers on the bomb, but I can see that they just dropped a digit. We’re next door to the end, Nureyev.

MUSIC: STARTS.

Smile for the camera.

MIASMA: I’ll kill you! I’ll kill—

SOUND: BLASTER SHOT. CHOKING SOUNDS.

JUNO: Hey, we got a quiet minute while her face is rebuilding itself.

Mind if I let you in on a little secret, Nureyev?

NUREYEV: (THROUGH THE DOOR) You idiot. Juno, you idiot.

JUNO: You’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. (CHUCKLES BREATHLESSLY) Wow, that’s a load off. And it’s true! You make me feel like… maybe it’s all worth it. Like maybe there’s something out there worth seeing.

NUREYEV: (THROUGH THE DOOR) Of course there is. But you need to be alive to see it.

JUNO: Ever since that night I tried to turn you in, I’ve been thinkin’ about that – the adventures we were talkin’ about, the bouncing from star to star? Leaving this dump behind and seeing what the galaxy’s got to offer.

MIASMA: (YELLS)

SOUND: BLASTER SHOT. SQUELCH.

JUNO: I wish we got the chance to do that, Nureyev. If I’ve got one regret, it’s that.

NUREYEV: (THROUGH THE DOOR) Juno…

JUNO: It’s been nice knowing you, Nureyev. (SIGHS) It’s been a gift I… don’t deserve.

NUREYEV: (THROUGH THE DOOR) Open this door. Juno! Juno!

SOUND: BANGING, POUNDING.

MUSIC: ENDS.

JUNO: Alright, Miasma. You were tryin’ to say something to me?

MIASMA: Juno Steel. What have you done?

JUNO: Something I don’t think anyone’s ever done to you. You wanted something. I said no.

MIASMA: That bomb won’t just kill you. It will tear you to pieces. Do you know why hardly a shred of Martian matter was left after their extinction? What’s inside that bomb… it chews through you, devours you. You’ll feel it in your every cell.

JUNO: Hey, I’ll try anything once.

SOUND: WHIP CRACK. BLASTER SHOT.

JUNO: If you’re so scared of it, why not disarm it?

MIASMA: It can’t be disarmed, you idiot. It is the final weapon, the punctuation mark on life! (GROWLS)

SOUND: WHIP CRACKS. TWO QUICK BLASTER SHOTS.

Open that door, or we’ll die in here. We have seconds, you fool!

JUNO: And if you really wanna torture me, Miasma, you’ll spend them talking my ear off.

JUNO (NARRATOR): The numbers tick down. A digit drops.

SOUND: WHIP CRACKS, BLASTER FIRE.

I miss more shots than I should, but at this range, I can get her at least, keep her thousand cold appendages from the panel.

MIASMA: (GROWLING)

JUNO (NARRATOR): I’m tired… I hurt… and the numbers tick down. And I just have to hold out a little longer until I can rest—

MIASMA: You can’t take this away from me! You can’t, you can’t, you can’t, you can’t, you can’t!

JUNO (NARRATOR) And then… the numbers stop.

MIASMA: No! I can’t die! I’ll never die!

JUNO (NARRATOR): A crack shines in the side of the egg, then another. And another. And then… it hatches.

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS, RISING IN PITCH.

MIASMA: (SCREAMS)

SOUND: SCREECHING METAL, WIND, STATIC GETS LOUDER, THEN FADES OUT.

NUREYEV: (THROUGH THE DOOR) Juno? Juno, you impossible idiot, answer me! Answer me please!

SOUND: DULL POUNDING.

Juno! Juno, no, no, no…

SOUND: ELECTRONIC BEEPS, HISS OF AIR, MECHANICAL WHIRR.

COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Airlocks deactivated.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

NUREYEV: Juno… you’re… alive! How could you be?

The egg. It looks just like it did before. It must not have gone off, is that it? After all these aeons, it didn’t even work! (LAUGHS) …Where’s Miasma?

JUNO: The weapon went off. Miasma’s dead. Every shred of her… gone.

NUREYEV: But… how?

JUNO: I was just wondering the same thing. (CHUCKLES) But you know, it make sense when you think about it.

NUREYEV: D-does it?

JUNO: It’s simple, Nureyev. You just gotta think like a Martian – all that stuff in those writings, right, all that stuff Miasma was after to clean Mars, to make it pure again. That’s what the Martians wanted, right?

NUREYEV: Yes, I suppose—

JUNO: But clean what, is the question.

The Martians were all the same, they bred by splitting so they had the same DNA. They could read each other’s thoughts! If their bodies were the same, their minds were the same, there’s no difference, one to the other.

NUREYEV: Juno, I don’t think—

JUNO: We’ve been looking at this all wrong, Nureyev! The weapon wasn’t a mistake, it wasn’t a product of a war or an experiment gone wrong. It wasn’t a Martian genocide. It was a Martian suicide. They thought it through and they put the pieces together and at the end of the day, they figured Mars was better off without them.

NUREYEV: You don’t know any of that for sure.

JUNO: Miasma’s gone. I’m not. The weapon scrubs Martians clean down to the last cell and doesn’t touch another thing. You have any better theories?

NUREYEV: Only that it doesn’t matter anymore. The Martians are dead, the last of them gone. Their choices have been made and buried in this tomb. You and I, Juno, we’re alive. And free to make whatever choices we please… and I can think of one I’d like to make right now.

SOUND: KISSING.

JUNO: You’re right… they’re gone. They’re all gone.

NUREYEV: What do you say we leave the dead to their rest, Juno? We have some living to do out on the surface, I think.

JUNO: Yeah. The surface. I’d like that, Nureyev… I really would.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

SOUND: HEAVY RAIN, CARS HONKING. DOOR OPENS.

NUREYEV: This is quite the hotel. I, for one, am looking forward to a good night’s sleep. It’s been weeks.

JUNO: The hotel’s alright.

NUREYEV: Juno… I’m sorry that the doctors couldn’t save your eye.

JUNO: I… got another.

Besides, it’s not like I needed that eye, anyway. I’m sure there are plenty of P.I.s with one eye. P-one-eyes. Hell, I’ll never shoot straight again, but not a big deal – it’s not like sharpshooting was the basis of my entire career or anything, I—

NUREYEV: Juno, Juno. Shh, it’s alright. There are options. You know, you could always look into a cybernetic eye.

JUNO: You think I got that kind of money to kick around? Only people who can afford those things can afford to buy an army to do their shooting for ‘em.

NUREYEV: I do have very wealthy friends, Juno. I could ask around—

JUNO: Let’s just… not talk about it right now, alright?

NUREYEV: Alright. It can wait. Though I can’t say I understand why you insisted we come to a clinic in Hyperion City when Olympus Mons was so much closer.

JUNO: (SIGHS) I… I just wanted to see the place one last time, that’s all.

NUREYEV: I see. I suppose… I don’t have the penchant for nostalgia that you do.

JUNO: It doesn’t do me any good. City’s gonna change whether I’m here or not. This area used to be crammed with apartment buildings – you’d see people walking up and down the street all the time, carrying groceries, and kids hanging on their arms.

NURYEV: I didn’t see any apartment buildings.

JUNO: It wasn’t even that long ago, couple months maybe… city’s gonna change. That’s just how it is.

NUREYEV: Juno?

JUNO: Yeah?

NUREYEV: …Are you certain that you want to leave Mars?

JUNO: Yeah, yeah, ‘course I am. I said that, didn’t I? Back in the tomb, before… the bomb.

NUREYEV: This city… I can tell it’s very valuable to you. Truthfully, I can’t say I know what that feels like. I was so excited to leave Brahma behind. I’ve been so excited to leave behind every planet I’ve seen.

JUNO: All that bad, huh?

NUREYEV: Not at all. They’re beautiful, every one of them. So beautiful that as soon as I land on one, all I can think of is the next, the incredible future ahead…

I’m excited to share that future with you, Juno, but only if it’s the future you want. And, if it isn’t, I’ll leave alone. For good. And that will be that.

So?

JUNO (NARRATOR): Leaving Mars. Forever. That’s what I said I wanted, wasn’t it? Freedom? Adventure across the galaxy. With Peter Nureyev.

NUREYEV: So?

JUNO: I wanna leave. With you.

SOUND: RUSTLING FABRIC.

NUREYEV: And I am so happy to hear you say it, Juno.

SOUND: KISSING.

Are there any last preparations you need before we go?

JUNO: No. In the morning, I’ll call Rita, tell her to close up the office, sell off the junk in my apartment – that should carry her until she can find another job, but… I don’t think I can go back there again.

NUREYEV: I understand. We’re on the edge of a brave new future, Juno. It’s exciting, isn’t it?

JUNO: Yeah… yeah, it is.

NUREYEV: What do you say you and I begin that beautiful future right now?

JUNO: That sounds exciting, too.

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLING, KISSING.

JUNO (NARRATOR): We spent the night together. It was… nice.

It was like nothing else. Just like Peter Nureyev.

NUREYEV: You know, Juno… call me a fool if you like, but— (YAWNING) I think… I may have… fallen in love with you.

JUNO: I… (LAUGHS) If you’re a fool, that makes two of us.

NUREYEV: (CHUCKLES)

JUNO (NARRATOR): Nureyev falls asleep in minutes. I watch him in the dark for hours. Smell his cologne, see those sharp teeth peek past his lips as he snores. Nureyev sleeps deeply, like someone who knows the tomorrow he’s waking up to will be worth showing up for.

Lying next to him, I feel that way too. And suddenly, desperately, I wanna chase a future of that feeling every single day. With him.

SOUND: FABRIC RUSTLING, CREAKING, FOOTSTEPS. KEYS JINGLING, DOOR OPENS.

NUREYEV: (MURMURING IN SLEEP) Juno…

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES. FOOTSTEPS.

JUNO (NARRATOR): Hyperion City.

MUSIC: STARTS.

It takes a lot of people to fill up a city like this, big and filthy and beautiful. Killer stars and runaway execs and starving kids and bad parents, old friends who made it, old friends who didn’t, smugglers, murderers, mercenaries and mad anthropologists.

Master thieves and private eyes.

You meet enough of those people in my line of work, and you start to notice something: everyone thinks they’ve got the answer, that silver laser that promises they’ll be happy forever. But no one’s ever been happy forever.

All those people chasing after all those promises, running full tilt towards a thousand paradises that never were and never are going to be, Steel, no matter how bad you want it – well, it makes a big mess.

And sometimes, when the whole thing feels like too much, it’s tempting to lie down and let all of the other runners trample you.

(SIGHS) But I can’t.

SOUND: KEYS JINGLING, DOOR OPENS.

So instead, I take my lumps. The world gets a little bigger, a little meaner. Maybe I did, too.

From my office window, I get a good view of the city: the mansions floating over Uptown, the drunks drifting through the streets, the addicts who’ve turned their skin to pincushions, and the powerful people who profit off every pinprick.

SOUND: GLASS CLINK, LIQUID POURING.

(SIGHS) My name’s Juno Steel. I’m a private eye, and this is my city.

I’m not proud of it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth saving.

And hell, it’s not like I had anywhere better to go.

MUSIC: ENDS.

***

SOUND: RAIN & MUSIC.

CONCIERGE: I’m afraid this concludes season one of The Penumbra Podcast, dear Traveler. But worry not: the travails of our dear detective and his fellow guests will resume in March, and in the meantime, we’ve plenty of surprises planned for you.

Are you concerned you’ll miss us? You can stay up to date with all of our establishment’s plans by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter @thepenumbrapod, and following us on Tumblr @thepenumbrapodcast. If you check those pages today, Traveler, you’ll find instructions to submit questions for a Q&A with The Penumbra’s co-creators to air next Tuesday, the fifteenth of November. They’re waiting to hear from you.

If our first season of tales has impacted you, we hope you will consider showing your appreciation by supporting The Penumbra on Patreon. For the donation of just a few dollars per episode, you can access our scripts, art raffles by our artist Mikaela Buckley, and other tantalizing rewards. Your support helps ensure that we will be able to keep creating these stories for you in the future. You can find that page at patreon.com/thepenumbrapodcast. If you support us on Patreon at the $10 level or higher, you’ll receive access to commentary tracks like this one from actors Joshua Ilon, Kate Jones, and Noah Simes:

SOUND: DOOR CREAKING OPEN.

NOAH: Right, right.

KATE: Oh, that grumpy Juno. Like, he’s… he’s really struggling, with some—

NOAH: Yeah!

KATE: Dark stuff.

NOAH: Yeah. It’s striking.

JOSHUA: It’s– it’s an interesting peel-away of the curmudgeonly, hard-boiled detective. It’s the—

NOAH: Right.

JOSHUA: The everything that we blindly accept with this genre are real symptoms of a real thing.

SOUND: DOOR CREAKING CLOSED.

CONCIERGE: We would like to give thanks to all who support us on Patreon, but especially to Hannah Tsim, Elizabeth Miller, Angel Acevedo, Eliza Grey, and Sarah Richardson for their incredibly generous contributions per episode. Thank you.

If you cannot afford to support us, we understand – but we hope you will take a moment to rate and review us on iTunes or your podcast service of choice so that we can spread our tales further than ever before.

This tale, Juno Steel and the Final Resting Place, was told by the following people: Joshua Ilon as Juno Steel, Noah Simes as Peter Nureyev, and Kate Jones as Miasma.

On staff at The Penumbra: Kevin Vibert is our lead writer and recording engineer. Sophie Kaner is our director and sound designer. Grahame Turner is our script editor. Original music by Ryan Vibert. Promotional art by Mikaela Buckley.

The Penumbra is created and produced by Sophie Kaner and Kevin Vibert.

We’re sad to see you go, but worry not. The Penumbra will find its way to you again. Farewell, dear Traveler. For now.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

#juno steel

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mirceakitsune · 3 years

Text

About what went on in the Darkplaces engine community, how this affects VoreTournament

Found some energy lying around to talk about this one here: The whole thing was a big drain on me in the moment, to the point where I had issues sleeping the night it took place. As it's related to a landmark project many people follow me for, it's fair I post about it here as well... by which I mean Vore Tournament which through Xonotic uses the Darkplaces engine to run. Later this month I was planning to announce on Patreon a change to the lighting system I planned to develop for Xonotic and in consequence my Vore Tournament game. It's something I've been hoping to do for a while now: The game presently uses boring old pre-compiled lightmaps for world lighting, no shadows and other fancy effects. My goal was to change this using a trick I had come up with, essentially implementing emission maps from glow textures using the existing point light system, no need to dive into technical details here. This required a change to Darkplaces engine to do properly: Inspired by videos on realtime raytracing I recently saw, I visited its development Discord server and brought up my idea, after which I started testing some existing features with other DP members and developers. So what happened. To keep it short and mention the same thing I said to the Xonotic crew: In the middle of a test I was conducting in-game, I was banned out of the blue from the entire Darkplaces community in a matter of seconds, by one of the developers with whom 5 minutes prior I was just talking to about my code. The reason? Something I said on a social media platform years ago offended them, that's pretty much it. After 15 years of being in that community (if you count their Freenode IRC room), I'm banned out of the blue purely out of cancel culture over opinions I had, which I never brought up or imagined bringing up in that community to whom I was always professional. I was given no prior warning, no way to get back to the team afterward, not even told exactly what it was they saw, asked why I said whatever I might have given I even remember every past argument, not even asked if it's accurate or could have been some fakery from a 4chan / Kiwifarms type website looking to troll people. As far as the others are aware to this day, I simply disappeared in the middle of working with them for unknown reasons... other people there to whom I spoke privately the next day expressed the same confusion as myself. I'm not going to make further comments on what I think of this insanity, I believe it's pretty obvious: We live in fucking glorious times, that is all. Also not gonna dive into what they freaked out about as I do NOT want more drama nor new issues on top of what already happened, especially with places like Patreon or Furaffinity losing their administrative minds and becoming as savage and intolerant. I don't even see why it should be relevant, even if I supported murder (which I DON'T) pulling this sort of stuff on people out of nowhere is more than uncalled for. It is however official that if you ever had an opinion people don't like on a sensitive subject at any point in your life, you can now expect cancer culture to follow you everywhere you go and get you banned out of the blue by those you thought are your colleagues. Now including FOSS projects... a warning to other developers here to be careful, for your team may ban you from working on your own code if someone doesn't like what you said on Facebook or Twitter last decade, this is where we are guys it's 2021. Luckily this was just the engine team: I spoke about it with the Xonotic community and folks are a lot more cool there, no issues with them and they have my love. Theoretically this shouldn't hamper me too much in working on Vore Tournament, just that if I need any engine changes for it I'm out of luck as I can't even reach their developers any more. On top of that I'm honestly demotivated from working on anything Xonotic related now, after getting struck with such garbage out of nowhere just as I was preparing to try and do more for it again: I apologize to everyone expecting more VT updates, please understand it causes a sour taste to even think about the project for now. If and when the situation cools down in some form, I shall feel comfortable picking up my work there again. I honestly wish Xonotic could switch engines: There's an ongoing plan to move to the newer Daemon engine (used by the game Unvanquished) but just like the weapon / ammo refractor it's taking more than a decade to complete. Both are Quake 1 / 2 / 3 based though, that's pretty ancient: We should at least be using the newer idTech 4 as a base, if not Tesseract (RedEclipse engine) or Godot which is basically the Unity / Unreal Engine of open-source. This would of course require porting the assets and rewriting the game code from scratch, so yeah... don't see that happening I'm afraid. I have been working on a lot of stuff none the less: Blender, TheDarkMod, now even 0ad, etc. Just little steps as usual so not much to show: Doubt anyone would be interested to see how today I added a little area to a map in one game, redid this one material for that one Blender scene, so on and so forth. I know updates are slow for this reason as I'm not motivated to write about what I'm doing until it's actually something worth showing: Thank you for your continued support and hopefully I'll have more to show for in the coming month.

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woobaejin · 7 years

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WANNA ONE ♡ “DOES MY VOICE OVER” CHALLENGE

PART 1 » “BF DOES MY MAKEUP” CHALLENGE

Scenario: You’re a rising fashion/beauty YouTuber and decides to let your boyfriend to your voice over.

Yoon Jisung

“Alright so hi my name is (Y/N) and I love makeup–not as much as my boyfriend Jisung though”

“I have a bunch of palettes and they’re all the same but I like buying the same thing over and over to waste money”

“This looks expensive but you see all this?? I only buy it because it’s cute and I use it once before throwing it into the drawer and never see it ever again”

“What is this okay spritz spritz WAIT OH IT’S SETTING SPRAY YES I LOVE TO DRENCH MYSELF IN SETTING SPRAY AS IF SOMEONE THREW A BUCKET OF WATER ON ME.”

Ha Sungwoon

“Hi, everybody! Welcome back to another tutorial —sips some water and twirls hair.”

“Okay so we have two eyeliners–oh you’re going to shake it and.. okay just kidding you’re going to put it on your hand.. wait what?.”

“Now you’re going to contour the foundation around your nose and... right under the hairline with a fat paint brush and then use the beauty blender and basically punch right under your eye..”

“Now I'm going to put on pink lipstick and think of my boyfriend as I do this because he’s very handsome and I love him a lot and I love pink.”

Hwang Minhyun

“Hey everyone. Welcome to my tutorial and this how I do my makeup.. so I’m just putting on a lot of face foundation and what is this other tube.. eye foundation? Okay it looks the same.”

“Now we’re taking this brown shade and we’re going to put it onto my eye ball socket... and then we’re going to be really dangerous and go underneath— basically under my eye bags”

“Touches brush oh man I should listen to my amazing boyfriend and actually clean my brushes before I stab my eye and get infected.”

“Uh here we have more powdering and contouring and now we’re going to brush the neck area, ear and more on the neck..”

Ong Seongwu

“It’s ONG MUA in the HOUUUUSE! Here to do (Y/N)’s voice over because I know you love hearing my voice more than hers.”

“BROWS GOTTA MAKE THEM EXTRA THICC WITH TWO C’s AND EXTRA DARK”

“BLEND BRUSH BLEND GOTTA BLEND BLEND! BLEND THAT FOREHEAD.”

“MY LIPSTICK SNAPPED OFF? JK it’s under control guys”

“And here’s the finished ‘I LOOK LIKE A BURNT ORANGE’ LOOK! Just kidding she’s looking super fine... Not as fine as me though—”

Kim Jaehwan

“Hello everyone! IT’S ME JAEHWAN! YOUR FAVORITE MAKEUP GURU!”

“Okay, so first you’re going to grab your concealer and make a triangle and blend it with this stress ball okay so DAB DAB DAAAAB”

“Time to fill in my non-existent brows with this brown color gel.”

“Then you take some of this shiny stuff IDK what this is but going for that super 3D look”

“FINISHED! THANKS FOR WATCHING! LIKE FOR JAEHWAN AND SUBSCRIBE FOR MORE JAEHWAN AND COMMENT ABOUT JAEHWAN!

Kang Daniel

“What’s up everyone! Going to do a glam tutorial look for you all today so let’s get started!”

“Wow, I look cute. Super cute and I know it. Hair flips and more hair flips. Anyways, we’re taking this white cream and putting it all over the face because my skin is thirsty for moisture..”

“You see Rooney in the back everyone? Why don’t we just focus on her instead. Rooney is more important right now.”

“She’s putting on a lot of lipstick.. how does it not get onto my lips when she kisses me...”

Park Jihoon

“Hi everyone! This is Jihoon speaking and today I'm here to do (Y/N)’s voice over so shall we get started?”

“Okay so take this neutral color from the first palette and then put on this eye primer protein—i mean potion”

“Then you’re going to blend it together and then color your eyeshadow with Steela?? Stilla??”

“You’re going to pat pat pat the skin and you can use anything that’s soft like this square looking sponge.

“Now we’re going to open this other tube and draw some small dots and triangles—this looks like clown makeup.. sorry baby..”

Park Woojin

“H-Hello this is Park Woojin..” (whispers babe.. do I look awkward on camera?)

“Why do girls say they’re going to “beat” their face with makeup..”

“Next you have to keep on rubbing your face until your hand gets tired and now onto eyeshadow..”

“We’re going to take this purple color and put it on the eyes.. like an upside down Nike sign”

“What is that? Baby powder? Then you have to put it under your eyes and chin. What is this even for...”

Bae Jinyoung

“So I’m Jinyoung.. (Y’N)’s boyfriend and yeah..we’re going to dive right into the look.”

“Taking a clean brush, we’re going to take this light brown color and swirl it all over the eyelid.. and then we’re going to take another brown color.. the colors look the same..”

“Grabbing this black crayon.. pencil... I'm going to put it onto my eyelashes.. have to draw inside the lines like a coloring book”

“The eyes look really pretty.. super pretty..wow..”

“Powder the tip of your nose and the mustache area and then you’re done! Oh just kidding not yet—”

Lee Daehwi

“Hey what’s up everyone! This is (Y/N)’s boyfriend Daehwi and we’re going to go straight into this pretty look she has going on!”

“Gotta make sure your lips aren’t dry and chapped so hydrate your lips, everyone.”

“So first we’re going to conceal everywhere that’s problematic.. like this pimple under her chin.. what is this... Tarte Shape Tape! ”

“Now gotta make sure those brows are filled in because you know.. NO BROWS NO LIFE”

“Oh my god she’s so fire.. even more, fire if she actually did her make up this fast though. YES, I’M CALLING YOU OUT.”

Lai Guanlin

“What’s up everyone. I’m Lai Guanlin and I was forced to do this video for my girlfriend... I love you, (Y/N).”

“Looks like she’s going to put on a bunch of colors now. This bottle looks like nail polish though..”

“Put some liquid thing onto this red egg ball and punch the makeup into your pores.. wow that’s a lot..”

“Why is she so extra.. okay so next you’re going to overline your lips. Want to make your lips bigger than they are because big lips are in..”

“And this is the final look.. Wow, my girlfriend is really attractive.. and here she is being extra again.”

#wanna one #wannaone #wanna one scenarios #wanna one imagines #wanna one reactions #p101 scenarios #p101 imagines #yoon jisung #ha sungwoon #hwang minhyun #kang daniel #ong seongwu #kim jaehwan #park jihoon #park woojin #bae jinyoung #lee daehwi #lai guanlin #kpop senarios

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lotsofdogs · 6 years

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Things I’m Loving Friday #257

Friday is here! Who else is psyched?

We are especially looking forward to the next few days because Ryan is back! He was traveling for work most of this week and didn’t arrive home until yesterday evening so we’re excited to have him home again. Bring on the family time! Also on our agenda for this weekend is a birthday party for one of Chase’s friends and family pictures! It should be a good one.

And now before it’s time to sign off and let the weekend fun take over, let’s dive into your usual Things I’m Loving Friday post where we chat about what we’re loving most every week, shall we?

Things I’m Loving Friday

Sugar Tinted Lip Treatment

I saw this tinted lip color pop up on a bunch of different fashion and beauty Instagrammer’s feeds (is Instagrammer a word?) and eventually bit the bullet and ordered it for myself with hopes that it would be as moisturizing as they all claimed and also add a hint of color to my flesh-colored lips. After one simple swipe of the Rose color lip balm, I was sold. (I’m wearing the lip balm in the above picture with Chase in case you’d like an example of how it looks applied. They have a ton of beautiful colors available!) It absolutely lives up to the hype (500+ positive reviews!) and I can already assure you this will be making at least one of my holiday gift guides this year. It gives my lips the perfect punch of natural-looking pink while making them feel moisturized in a way that seems to really last without that waxy feel!

Mixpresso Electric Milk Frother

Several years ago, I bought a handheld milk frother off Amazon and I’m honestly shocked it lasted as long as it did. It worked well for years but a month or so ago it finally conked out and found its way into the garbage. Womp, womp. Well, I immediately began researching a new frother and I wanted one that could froth coconut milk and almond milk (no easy feat, apparently) and simultaneously heat the milk as it frothed. Let me introduce you to my latest obsession: The Mixpresso Electric Milk Frother.

I ordered the electric frother a little more than a week ago and I’ve been making lattes that feel coffee shop worthy almost every day since when I’m not in the mood for one of my blender coffee creations. It creates the best frothy foam (I’ve primarily been using coconut milk in it) and I love that it’s incredibly quiet (great when Ryder is napping nearby) and warms my milk up in no time at all. Plus, it was only $34 which is a lot cheaper than others I found. LOVE this thing!

The Honest Company All-Purpose Balm

You know you’re a mom when you’re slathering the same stuff you rub all over your baby’s butt all over your hands. I fell in love with this stuff back when it was dubbed The Honest Company’s Healing Balm but my love for it skyrocketed after we had kids because I use this stuff on everything from dry baby skin and baby bottoms to prevent diaper rash (if a diaper rash occurs, I switch to more powerful stuff) as well as fluffy hair to help with frizziness and my own dry skin spots (hands, elbows, knees). It’s moisturizing and made with gentle organic ingredients I trust around my family.

Foodstirs Organic Baking Mixes

Thrive Market is beginning to know me a little too well because every time I’ve been placing an order lately, I cannot help but add one of their “recommended for you” items to my cart before checking out. My latest discovery came in the form of Foodstirs organic baking mixes.

Baking is one of my all-time favorite things to do and while I’d love to make everything from scratch all the time, I’m not beyond using box mixes for sweet treats either. I almost always have a couple of box mixes in our pantry for cakes, cookies or brownies and when Chase asked me if we could make something together this week (pull right at my heartstrings, why don’t you?), I figured we could try out the chocolate chip Foodstirs mix I impulsively included in my recent Thrive Market order. The mix totally exceeded my expectations and the cookies turned out buttery, slightly chewy and perfectly sweet. Foodstirs, you have a new fan! I’m comin’ for your gingerbread cookie and snickerdoodle blondie mixes next!

Friday Flashbacks

Apple Pie Spice Chex Mix (It’s that time of year when party mixes pop up all the time whether you’re serving them during a holiday celebration, Sunday afternoon football game or a girls’ night. This one is a sweet and salty treat packed with traditional apple pie spices, pecans and crumbly oatmeal cookie pieces that will quickly become an autumn snacktime favorite!)

No Gym Workout (A great bodyweight workout to keep on hand when you can’t make it out of the house or want to work up a sweat when you’re traveling this holiday season.)

Question of the Day

What is one thing that is making you smile this week?

[Read More ...] https://www.pbfingers.com/things-im-loving-friday-257/

#health #fitness

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flamingrubys · 7 years

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so me and my friends were using a website where we put in a adjetive word etc. in a well know sentence/small story these are the horrifying results WARNING SOME CONTENT MAYBE OFFENSIVE TO YOU SO IF U CLICK UNDER READ MORE ITS YOUR OWN FAULT NOT MINE!

Bird watching can be more fun than a barrel of wings.

Our buff.feathered friends are everywhere, waiting to be

watched. An interesting bird to start with is the nerf

oriole, which builds its nest in Focher Wolf.trees. Early in

spring, we hear the oriole give its mating call, which sounds like this:

"Chandlers voice." Then the male and female get together and

fly. Later, the female lays 9.eggs. Isn't

that biased? Another fascinating bird is the

overpowered-breasted nuthatch. The nuthatch is very tame.

He will fly down and land right on your tail

and eat out of your cockpits. Other birds to

watch out for are the red-crested golden eagles, the

underpowered-necked thrush, and the yellow-bellied

normandy.sucker. Now that you know something about

birds, get out there and watch!

If you want to become usb port.literate, here are some key

methanphetamines.that you should think.as quickly as possible:

CD ROM: Stands for compact anchor... read only

Morning. This compact disc can hold as many as 600

cocains, which is the equivalent of 700 floppy phones.

CYBERSPACE: Stands for the imaginary couch.that people

enter when they slap.with each other through computers on

a collection of sponges, known as the Interjesus.

E-Mail: Means swimmingly.transmitted bleech.

MODEM: Is the device that allows a white.computer to

transmit pinapples.over a phone heroin.

Chesepeak High School.is one of America's bitchiest

institutions of blue.learning. The student body is composed of

7.males and 38,000.meese. The

meese.get the best grades. Students can eat lunch in

the oblong.cafeteria, which features boiled mice

and Cables.sandwiches, with all the blood.they can

drink, for only 74 cents. The principal of the school, milo stewart,

is raising money to build a new Modem.laboratory and a new

football Ram. Any student who goes to this school can

consider himself very white.

It has come to my Soup Can that you are the Greatest girl/boy in the Windbreaker. My Pelvis starts Raising a Naval Lint every time you speak. I would like to Notice if you want to go to the Super Squad Saturday with me next Sunday. If you Huff please Iterate me at the Syria in 3 Days. I Affix you and everything about you. Serenely, BACON

Picture yourself in a Coffee Table on a river,

With Hot Dog trees and Bacon skies

Somebody calls you, you Ascertain quite Regardless,

A girl with Obedient eyes.

Cellophane Houses of REd and green,

Square over your head.

Orient for the girl with the Asparagus in her eyes,

And she`s gone.

Amy in the sky with Dorks...

Follow her down to a File by a fountain

Where rocking horse Cars eat Waste pies,

Everyone Reddens as you Satisfy past the flowers,

That Supervise so incredibly high.

Newspaper Bows appear on the shore,

Waiting to take you away.

Climb in the back with your Vocal Chord in the clouds,

And you`re gone.

Picture yourself on a train in a Istanbul,

With Gothic porters with looking glass Sweater,

Suddenly someone is there at the turnstile,

The girl with Obedient eyes.

Amy in the sky with Dorks...

Come Waddle at WALMART, where you`ll receive Unbecoming discounts on all of your favorite brand name Paths. Our Sable and Enhancing associates are there to Jut you 3.504 hours a day. Here you will find Crazy, Flipped-Out prices on the Cranes you need. Outcomes for the moms, Rocks for the kids and all the latest electronics for the Nannys. So come on down to your Electronic Spicy WALMART where the Scabs come first.

The Teal Dragon is the Purest Dragon of all. It has Burly Toe Nails, and a Gall Bladder shaped like a Hair. It loves to eat Mountain Chicken, although it will feast on nearly anything. It is Ravaged and Efficacious. You must be Dizzy around it, or you may end up as it`s meal!

Look, I guarantee there`ll be Long times. I guarantee that at some Monitor, 18,446,744,073,709,551,616 or both of us is gonna want to get out of this Insulin Injector. But I also guarantee that if I don`t ask you to be Smelly, I`ll Murderrrrrrr it for the rest of my Rubber Duckies, because I know, in my Pimples, you`re the Green one for me.

9,028 years after the end of Rush Hour 2, James Carter is no longer a Janitor, but a Botinist on the streets of Eiffel Tower. Lee is now the bodyguard for his friend BoomBoomStick. Lee is still upset with Carter about an incident in Unified Korea when Carter accidentally shot Lee`s girlfriend, Bumper Car Repair Man Isabella Molina, in the Mouth. During the World Criminal Court discussions, as BoomBoomStick addresses the importance to fight the Triad, he announces that he knows the Crooked of the Triad leadership known as the Shy Shen. Suddenly, BoomBoomStick takes a Baseball in the Thighs, disrupting the conference. Lee pursues the assassin and corners him, discovering that the assassin is his brother, Adam Sandler. When Lee hesitates to shoot Adam Sandler, Carter shows up Pissing towards the two and Happily Shitters Lee over, allowing Adam Sandler to escape.

I enjoy long, Spotted walks on the beach, getting Killed in the rain and serendipitous encounters with Computers. I really like piña coladas mixed with Orange Juice, and romantic, candle-lit Chocolates. I am well-read from Dr. Seuss to Michael Jackson. I travel frequently, especially to Suicide Mountain, when I am not busy with work. (I am a Serial Killer.) I am looking for Lava and beauty in the form of a 'Murican goddess. She should have the physique of Tyler Swift and the Ocean of Chloe. I would prefer if she knew how to cook, clean, and wash my Papers. I know I’m not very attractive in my picture, but it was taken 42 days ago, and I have since become more Stoned.

White Macdonald had a Mountain, E-I-E-I-O

and on that Mountain he had an Parakeet, E-I-E-I-O

with a Boing Boing here

and a Boing Boing there,

here a Boing, there a Boing,

everywhere a Boing Boing,

White Macdonald had a Mountain, E-I-E-I-O.

Two Angels, both alike in dignity,

In fair Houston, where we lay our scene,

From ancient Greg break to new mutiny,

Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes

A pair of star-cross`d Ovens take their life;

Whole misadventured piteous overthrows

Do with their Kids bury their parents` strife.

The fearful passage of their Blue love,

And the continuance of their parents` rage,

Which, but their children`s end, nought could Stalked,

Is now the 666 hours` traffic of our stage;

The which if you with Burning Arm Pit attend,

What here shall Run, our toil shall strive to mend.

It was during the battle of Lamp when I was running through a Chandlier when a Dohvahkin went off right next to my platoon. Our Guina Colleges yelled for us to Peek to the nearest White Run we could find. When we got to the White Run we Slapped to start a fire. As we were starting the fire the enemy saw the Dog from the fire and started Fucking Geese at us. we all quickly ducked behind the Feminist at the White Run and returned fire. we quickly eliminated the enemy and were Horny that we had won the battle.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Bennidict Cumberbatch Pickled,

Will you let me Danced your Night Light? Ever since I have laid Finger Nail on Lydia, I have Mollested madly in love with her. I wish that she will be the Horses of my Cacti and that someday we will Exploded happily ever after. I have a Cat as a/an Prostitute that pays $Zero each month. I promise to KickedLydia with kindness and respect.

Sincerely,

Bambooza Wacky Sazy

My "Dream Man" should, first of all be very Scary and Black. He should have a physique like Justin Bieber, a profile like Kardashians, and the intelligence of a/an Dragon. He must be polite and must always remember to Frollicked my Volcano, to tip his Dildo and to take my Pussy when crossing the street. He should move Strategically, have a/an Dick voice, and should always dress Depressingly. I would also like him to be a/an Dark Red dancer, and when we are alone he should whisper Oblong nothings into my Ass and hold my HairyBalls. I know a/an Blender is hard to find. In fact the only one I can think of is Flaming

Dear My Cousin,

I am having a(n) Cool time at camp. The counselour is White and the food is Furious. I met Chandler and we became Purple friends. Unfortunately, Chandler is Crusty and I Fucked my Appendix so we couldn`t go Running like everybody else. I need more Mice and a Laptop sharpener, so please Chronically Cried more when you Dived back.

Your Mother,

Bacon

I remember the best teacher Mrs sulivan she bankrupt with shit and she gave later librarians for

money from my mother my fine cold

Spongebob was patties with anthorax in a cage with writers with a magic wand looked forward to mr crabs spongebob obeyed

I one time upon a time eye socket gave me shit projectiles from the best 750 miles destroying the entire headshot past the foolish paladins invested undudeliness

The laptop overheated when cheese melted on its monitor

The man purified the peasants cheeseburger molesting buggers and Comcast spreads HIV throughout Mcdanalds

Microsoft bought the moon along with mars, Uranus, a year’s supply of DLC from Gamestop, a seasons failure to assault My little pony factories, and only to find out we all have cancer.

Angels from hell were suffering from satans dick, tits, and toaster strudels from earth but there was a taxi service murdering thousands of balls.

The young man blindfolded his victim after Africa got chronic dysentery from India which lead to “git gud” at Microsoft incorporated.

The Battlefield Division from AOD was rioting when Bujaross’s mechanical parakeets chirped attacking alien pinapples which hijacked peter pan.

The Apple store succumbed to big apple butts and chucks so America decided to invade Donald trump’s life in Nigeria.

Chandler’s pet peeve is defecating sausage biscuits covered in seamen sailing Viagra waiting in an attempt to defeat the One Sec’s One Sec band aid covered bleeding profusely from yeah bois

Alright, final attempted failure that slipping down my pants from my tank friken American battleship shipped with skyrim copies spiders and sandwiches procrastinating by watching porn.

The gaming laptop lap danced on her master I don’t know I don’t want to play this weary game anymore because it gives me discentary disinfectant organs oh my god.

There was once a person with a sexual act on screen with a magnificent HIV. Putting my hands in trees cascading into zona

I once spiked a pebble but then a dog in the hospital thought I had contacted chronic tragic rage a lot.

Whenever six flags. Tanks. Large barrel. Eventually depression. Soft killing fries

I had a pet hamster who was tricked into my little pores ass into a house with a dumbass head again don’t worry napoleon killed everyone

#long post #read the damn title before u click readmore i will say this it doesnt have rape #nore vore

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