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bustyasianbeautiespod · 1 year ago

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Episode 9 Transcript: The Sequestering

[Garageband version of Buddy Holly’s “Everyday” plays]

C: Hello! My name is Crystal.

G: And my name is Grey.

C: And this is Rubbish and Probably a Podcast, a Good Omens commentary podcast where I, someone who has seen this show too many times…

G: And I, someone who only knows this show through Crystal, discuss every single episode of Good Omens.

C: For today’s episode, we are discussing Season 2, Episode 3: “I Know Where I'm Going, featuring the minisode The Resurrectionists.” [G: I liked it.] I used to hate this episode. Now, I'm okay with it. It's fine. It's fine. It only took me five goes, but it's fine.

G: You know what I'm a little bit bitter about is that you have been so consistently telling me that this episode is bad, and the flashback, the minisode this episode is bad, so I like, watched it at the very last minute for me. Like, I watched the day we were supposed to- the day before we were supposed to record. [C: Yeah.] And I was like, "I didn't have time to brew!" I liked it!

C: Mm. Well, perhaps if you kept brewing it, you would realize that it's bad? [laughs] It's not that bad.

G: No, exactly. Maybe this is how She wrote for my life to go, you know. It is fated.

C: Yeah, perhaps. The only person writing this episode is Aziraphale being a clown with clown shoes on, so.

G: You know, like, the entire portion of the entire flashback, I was trying to rationalize it in my head - I mean, not the entire- I guess until the turning point. [C: I- yeah.] I was trying to rationalize it in my head, as like, "Is he like, writing this as a Heaven report?" even though [both laugh] I knew from the beginning that it was a diary entry.

C: [laughing] Yeah, Crowley's literally in there being friendly with him. Why would that be in there?

G: [laughing] I was like, "Maybe it's a heavenly report, you guys!" [C: No, he literally is just a clown who wears clown shoes.] even though it explicitly said that it's a private diary of A. Z. [pronounced zee] Fell, volume 603.

C: No no no, what did you- No, it's A. Zed Fell. I still get jumpscared by that every single time he says it. [G laughs] It's like, "What the fuck? That is not your name."

G: No, I also did get so jumpscared when that happened. I was like, "Who the fuck is Zed?" [laughs]

C: It's sickening that people in fake Soho are walking by looking at that sign and being like, "Oh, yes, A. Zed Fell." Like, you're sick. Sick in the head. [G laughing]

G: I'm sorry, people who are used to that. I don't hate you that much.

C: It's fine. [both] Yeah. You're valid. [laughing] Your headcanon is valid. To you. [G laughs] But it's fucked.

G: No, but the thing is, Zed is a name, you know? [C: Yeah.] So what is he? A modern-day musician?

C: You're not likemy genderqueer friend in high school. Like, I don't get why you're saying this. [laughing] My genderqueer friend's name was actually Z [pronounced zee] so that doesn't work [G laughs] as a joke in any way whatsoever.

G: So the synopsis for this week's episode is, "Heaven sends the angel Muriel in disguise to spy on Aziraphale and Crowley. Aziraphale drives to Edinburgh in pursuit of his Clue and learns a little about a lot." Is this a joke about like- the land? Like, learns about the graveyard lot or like- Whatever. [C: Huh? What?] Were they even thinking about that when they wrote this fucking synopsis that is a little bit bad?

C: Oh, like a lot of l- [G: Yeah.] I don't think so. [G laughs]

G: Well, "The couple's visit to Edinburgh-" [C: "The couple"?] They're a couple, you guys.

C: Why did they do that? Why did they say that? [G: I mean- hm.] I mean, I'm glad. But like, okay, they weren't even together in 1827.

G: Well, you never know. Maybe it just wasn't important for our journey. [C laughs] So "Their visit to Edinburgh in 1827 involves grave robbery, a statue, and an unfortunate encounter with a vial of laudanum."

C: More fortunate than if it didn't happen.

G: In the present, Crowley is in charge of the bookshop and is disappointed by human beings and the weather. [C: What a nothing sentence!] How can he be disappointed of the weather when he made that shit? You did that shit, Crowley! [both laugh]

C: Is the disappointment that it rips the awning, or something? [G: Oh, yeah.] Like, she overdid it on the rain? I don't get it. It's a stupid sentence. Amazon Prime, reexamine yourself.

G: For many- In many ways, shapes, and forms. [C laughs]

C: Yeah, yeah. This can probably be like, the second year of you reexamining yourself, you can get to this summary. [G: Yeah.]

C: We open in Soho in the present day, and we are looking at Jim, who's in this set of pajamas- are they tartan. Like, due to how I hate Jim so raw and so hard, I didn't actually make a note of what he was wearing.

G: Wait, let me check. Yes! [C: Yeah!] So it's like, the coat. Like, I'm assuming this is a robe or whatever. It's tartan! You really do not- you will never give a shit about Gabriel? It will never happen.

C: No, it's never happening. [G: Alright.] He's so annoying. I wish him off the face of the Earth forever.

G: He's nothing this episode, so it's not like I'm particularly bound to defend him this time.

C: Yeah, he's wearing these blue pajamas with a tartan robe over, which is a fun look, and he's in this bedroom on the second floor of the bookshop, which means that Aziraphale does have plenty of room for Crowley to stay, but alas.

G: Also, prior to this, we have never seen the fanfic flat on top of the bookshop, right?

C: That's true. Yeah, actually, I don't know where that came from, but yeah, everyone does manifest a bedroom up there so they can fuck so raw and so hard in it. This seems to be a guest room. He has this mug that says "Jim's Mug" on it, and like, this is in some kind of- it's like, typographied and all that in a font that I find annoying, due to how I'm a hater, and the handle of it is an angel wing.

G: You know, like, those like- like, it's like an Etsy store, but it's like, so massive and etc etc.? A friend of mine works for that. Like, for like, a wedding- you know those like, wedding merch? [laughs] This is what it looks like. It looks like wedding merch.

C: Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, it's like, going to say, "Jim and Beelzebub," like, "happy anniversary!" or something on it or something.

G: Yes! Or it's like, "Thank you for attending our wedding," [laughs] you know? So like that. You know, those industries are like, billions worth. It's crazy. [C: That makes sense.] And they pay their employees nothing!

C: Yeah, that part also makes sense. And he also has a tin that says "Jim's Hot Chocolate" on it. Redbubble couldn't have gone back to them in time for this, so I'm assuming that Aziraphale wasted a whole miracle on making sure Jim doesn't use any of the other dishware.

G: Do you think Aziraphale is the person- I mean, Aziraphale is kind of a maximalist, but like, I can also see him being the type of guy where it's like, "I have one spoon. I have one fork. [both laughing] I have one mug, one plate..." And like, you know what? Two Scotch tumblers. One for Crowley.

C: Aww. Yeah. Well, we see his teacups later, so we know he has extra things. [G: That's true.] But yeah, he probably does have one fork.

G: This man has one fork. Open his utensils drawer, there's one fucking fork. [C: Yeah. Does he even have a utensils drawer?] You know what? A spork, even. [laughs] [C: A spork, even.] Let's slander Aziraphale so hard and so raw. [both laughing]

C: Yeah, yeah, you know what? Aziraphale’s a spork user. I believe it.

G: It's a plastic spork that he washes every time. [C laughing]

C: God, he's just like me for real. What Aziraphale [sic] is looking at out of the window is Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death, which we go into. So Nina's there, making a bunch of orders for Mrs. Sandwich, who we don't get the name of yet. And they're definitely on friendlier terms than Nina and Maggie are, 'cause, you know, Mrs. Sandwich seems comfortable commenting on Nina's relationship even though Nina doesn't appreciate it that much.

G: I mean, the fact that she even knows! [C: Yeah.] Like, Maggie didn't even know her name, so. And Mrs. Sandwich knows the name of her partner, so like, they're close. [C: Yeah, yeah.] What if they do end up together? Who would have thunk?

C: Yeah. What if? What if they were under the awning? I think it would have been like, a conversation that made more sense.

G: What even was that con- You know, we need to sequester that part of our hatred and anger towards this episode to just that part of this episode, because I feel like if we don't, it's going to bleed all over the place. [C laughs] But it really is so bad.

C: It's just a strikingly bad bit of dialogue.

G: Like, I watched the entire scene, and I was so confused as to what the fuck they were talking about, and I replayed it, and I was still so confused.

C: Was there a missing scene where Nina, like, deliberately spills an entire like, jug of hot water on Maggie? [laughing] Like, that is the only thing that could like, preempt a scene like that to make it make sense.

G: Literally. There's a fucking, missing scene, you guys.

C: Yeah. I don't get it. And this is a 42-minute long episode, right? [G: Yeah. It's short.] Like, you could have added like, something to make this make sense. But like, they didn't, 'cause Neil Gaiman and John Finnemore are bad writers. Okay, sequestering, sequestering. Quarantining that. Nina's phone keeps going off, and Mrs. Sandwich tells her, "Hey, don't look at it. That's gonna be Lindsay, and it's gonna make you unhappy, and when you're unhappy you make worse coffee, which is bad for my girls." So we learned there that she like, manages a brothel. Nina does check the texts. Sorry, girl. And then we hear a car honk and a whistle outside, and we look out, and it's [both, in Muriel's voice] Muriel! in a bright white police uniform sort of thing, including a helmet that hides their hair, thank god!

G: You're so mean. The hair is fine!

C: It looks so stiff. Like, the waves and things- I don't know. It's just, I feel like sometimes, there's just hair that looks so hair that looks so hair-gelled that it's like, "Well, you could have just like, left it the way it was."

G: I mean, you like the 1940s hair on Crowley. Actually, I'm not sure if that's true. [laughing] But you know what, prior to that, I was going to say, "You liked the Rome hair on Crowley," but I know for a fact that you didn't [both laughing], so I couldn't say it.

C: You haven't even seen Crowley's 1940s hair yet. [G: I did!] You can't say anything about it. When?

G: Oh, is the next episode going to be that? Well, I was talking about the Episode 3 last season.

C: It's under a hat the whole time.

G: No, it's not!

C: Yeah, it is! [G: No!] When does he take the hat off?

G: To like- Ugh, you're right. Like, he just tips it. Well. Whatever.

C: Exactly. So you don't know what's under there.

G: Doesn't it get blown by the wind?

C: No, Aziraphale takes his hat off, and then it goes back on afterwards. [G: Booo!] Okay, I'll check. I'll check. I'll do the fucking apology dance if it's true, but I'm pretty sure that you don't see his hair, 'cause it's hidden by the hat.

G: Oh no! I'm watching the scene again. It's so horrible. He really did forget the books.

C: Oh my god, fuck! I just opened it again, and the last time I came here, I paused right before "You go too fast for me," so that is what is happening on my screen right now- and okay, let's go back. Let's go back.

G: No, okay, no removal.

C: The fucking hat stays on. The hat stays on. I was right, I was right, you were wrong, I was right.

G: I imagined it. And in my imagination, it's very beautiful.

C: I think it's- I like Crowley's look in 1941. I don't think the hair necessarily adds to it, but I don't know. He's a very beautiful boy. So Muriel is walking by, and Mrs. Sandwich goes, "Oh, that's nice. Somebody's got a sense of humor. Or an interesting kink." And then Muriel walks right into Aziraphale’s bookshop.

G: [laughs] Where like, two days ago or something, a naked man showed up and caught the attention of the entirety of the street, so wow.

C: Yeah, yeah. Everyone thinks Aziraphale’s a giant sex freak. Good for him.

G: And you know what? They're not wrong, but not for the right reasons.

C: Exactly. Exactly. Inside the bookshop, Aziraphale’s working while listening to “Everyday” on repeat on his record player. [G: Just like you for real.] He's just like me for real. I bet it's also his number one on Spotify. There's a knock at the door, and Muriel says, "Police!" And he takes his glasses off and he puts them in his pocket, and then he turns off the record, and then he goes to the door, worried.

G: You say that like it's a calm situation for him. Like, he is very- he's anxious about this.

C: Yeah. Do you think he knows that this is- Like, at this point, he probably knows that this is the angel sent to verify the miracle?

G: Yeah, probably. But like, I feel like maybe the posing as a police officer could have been a bit of a surprise.

C: Yeah, I feel like the other angels- like, when Gabriel checked in or whatever, he put up a front for the other customers in the store, but like, he wasn't trying to hide who he was. So yeah, there is some uncertainty there. But yeah, anyway, even though this is not the point of the scene in any way whatsoever, just the whole vibe here did remind me strongly of "it's the light (it's the obstacle that casts it)" by bibliocratic, which everyone should stream on archiveofourown.com. Or dot org. But yeah.

G: Yeah. Wonderful fic. Truly. Made me so emotional.

C: It's good. [G: Yeah.] And I mean, I think that the bookshop probably did have its fair amount of encounters with the police back in the day, like, just regarding how Aziraphale's obviously gay, and Soho's a pretty gay district. [G: Yeah.] He opens the door, very worried, and checks behind Muriel to see if there's anyone else there. Also looks just sort of disbelieving at the fact that Muriel's doing this in the first place. [G laughs] It takes him a while like, after Muriel introduces themself to like, decide that his course of action is going to be to play along with it all. Yeah, Muriel goes, “‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello! What's all this, then?” [laughs] They're so cute. [G: Yeah!] Says that they're "A human police officer." And when Aziraphale’s like, "Oh, yeah, I thought you probably were." They go, “Did you really?” [laughs] Like, god. They're so cute. They're so cute. Like, I'm sorry that they're like- I guess- Is this their first time inhabiting a body also if this is their first time on Earth?

G: You know, I'm unclear on that.

C: Yeah. But yeah, I feel like they're experiencing some kind of a euphoria in like, inhabiting a body and being on Earth. I'm sorry it happened while they were in the form of a cop, [G laughs] but not everything's perfect.

G: Yeah. I mean, the only example of this corporation, where like, the being gets recorporated- well, but no. Beelzebub is in Hell. How does that work?

C: True, and Crowley notices that ze has a new face.

G: Well, that's even more fun, then, don't you think? That Beelzebub not only changed like, zir corporation on Earth, but like, changes zir entire look in Hell. [C: Yeah. Yeah!] I think that's even more transgender. Good for zem.

C: Yeah. Yeah. Very, very happy for Beelzebub. But yeah, okay, it's like, in Episode 5 of Season 1, right, the quartermaster goes, “You were issued a body.” So it's not that common for angels to have a body. [G: Yeah, I suppose so.] Like, it's something that's given to them. So I feel like Muriel wouldn't have been given one until they were asked to come down to Earth. So yeah. That must be exciting. I'm happy for them. They're having a great time! And also scaring the shit out of Aziraphale and Crowley in the form of a cop. But again. [laughs] At least they're having a good time. Muriel says that, as a cop, they're allowed to unobtrusively monitor Aziraphale without raising suspicion and asks to do it inside, "Only 'cause it's really noisy out here, and I can't hear anything." Good for them.

G: Muriel doesn't need to be invited in, right?

C: Huh. No, I don't think so.

G: That's just for demons?

C: Yeah. I mean, Aziraphale, like, last season didn't invite Gabriel and Sandalphon in.

G: God! I just remembered the Shax scene. What if it really is their bookshop? What if Crowley is really the "Co."?

C: Yeah. [both make pained sounds] God, it's crazy how love is real. [laughing] I'm remembering how fucking miserable the two of us were about them in Episode 1 of the season, but you know what? Apology dance-

G: Well, we're about to be in a couple seasons- in a couple episodes.

C: Oh, fuck. Let's- I don't wanna think about it. Yeah. Yeah. It's happenin'. It's happenin'. [G: It's happenin'.] Muriel takes a seat and looks around, sort of an all sort of intimidated by Aziraphale’s whole maximalist swag thing, and Aziraphale comes out - good for him - [both laugh] from the backroom with two cups of tea. And his teacups are very, very pretty. They're white and blue china, and they're like, they have ridges on them, so they sort of look like the bottom half of a pumpkin. They have a conversation where Aziraphale just keeps sort of trying to help Muriel out with their disguise.

G: This entire bit is Aziraphale being like, "Oh, this is how you drink the tea." And “You know, an officer would generally accept tea,” and all that. And I just think it is so nice of him to do this. [C: Yeah.] Even though like, of course, like, he needs to be polite, but like, I feel like it exceeds politeness at this point when he's trying to like, make Muriel comfortable and engaging with them in like, a "You seem to want to put up with the ruse of being a police officer, so if you must, this is how you do it." [C: Yeah, yeah.] It's nice. It's nice.

C: And I wonder if Aziraphale sees any of himself in them at all. [G: Yeah!] Because they're like, not his boss, and they're not incredibly mean and rude. Like, they seem taken in by what's going on on Earth, and excited to be here, and like, he was there at some point, too.

G: There's a different vibe to Gabriel being like, "Why do you eat that? I will not do that and sully my holy temple of a body." [C: Uh-huh.] But, like, with Muriel, it's a different thing, you know? It's a different thing.

C: Yeah, they just seem intimidated by the idea of drinking tea, yeah. And Aziraphale didn't have to make tea. And I think, I mean, part of it could have just been like, trying to collect himself a little bit once he gets in the back room. But like, I think also part of it is like, "Well, you know, like, I really started to like, love Earth-" Well, not started. "But part of why I love Earth so much is like, all like, the sensory inputs I can get from things like tea, so I would like to see if a similar love can be engendered in this angel." So that's nice. Good for them. Yeah, he demonstrates drinking tea to Muriel, and it's- Yeah. He makes such a show of it. Like, he closes his eyes, sips, and then goes, "Ahh." Like, good for him. [G: Cute.] No wonder Crowley is- Yeah, you know what? No need to say anything. Anyway- [laughs]

G: No no no, you say it, you say it.

C: My- Well, my note is "This cannot be how he actually drinks tea, right? Like, Crowley would have to miracle her dick off every time they go out to eat?" [both laugh]

G: Well, maybe that's what the watching eating is all about, always, all the time.

C: Yeah, maybe it is. Muriel's not ready to drink tea yet, and says that they just want to look at it. "I always say the best part of a... 'cupperty' is looking at it." They're very sweet. And then Crowley just swings in the bookshop, and every time I watch this episode, I did start like, cheering and screaming every time I saw her, 'cause she's so beautiful and wonderful. He comes in with like, his plants that he's putting in the store 'cause Aziraphale's taking the car, and doesn't really notice Muriel at first 'cause they're just saying to Aziraphale, like, "This is ridiculous. Why don't you just go by train? You love trains." And he literally does.

G: Will we ever see them on a train?

C: No. Not- Well, maybe Season 3. We'll see.

G: We should. Yeah. [C: Oh, god.] Our Season 3 wishlist is [C laughs] '60s lesbians [C: Yes. On a train...], and then Aziraphale and Crowley in a train. [laughs] Yeah. [C: Yeah. And then, I mean-] Caravaggio! [both laugh] [C: Caravaggio, sure.] They need to go to 1606, Rome, and watch Caravaggio stab that guy in the femoral archery while trying to castrate him. Yeah.

C: Good. Yeah. [laughs] We should see that? What are Aziraphale and Crowley's roles there?

G: They're just spectators, you guys. [C laughs] They're just looking. [C: Cool.] They the other pair playing tennis in the other court. Oh, the context for that is that is I mentioned to Crystal once that- because the flashback this episode and the flashback last episode, like, they do feel like they're catered for me specifically in terms of like, location, in terms of setting. So I was like, "The only way that this show can cater to me more in terms of minisodes is if the next minisode is about like, fucking Caravaggio’s life in Rome." And you know what? Maybe it will be.

C: [laughing] Maybe "Nazi Zombie Flesheaters" will be about 1606 Rome. You're right.

G: Exactly.

C: Crowley sees Muriel and does a double-take, going, "Who's this now?" And then-

G: Okay, I have a question. [C: Yes.] I mean, seeing this and seeing the white constable uniform, I feel like Crowley immediately is able to connect the dots to "that's an angel," right? [C: Yes. Yes.] But is that the only reason? Like, I thought he can smell- [laughs]is that true?

C: He knows what Aziraphale smells like.

G: That's true. No, but like, the demons- I mean, the angels can smell evil, as they say. Can like, Crowley smell divinity?

C: I don't know. Like, there's nothing that really proves it either way, I would say. He is like, very good at being able to track Aziraphale down, but I think that's just like, plot reasons. [G: Yeah, maybe they're just in wuv.] 'Cause can't tell that Crowley is a demon, even though Sandalphon could presumably smell evil in the bookshop in Season 1. It's quite inconsistent.

G: Yeah, but also like, Sandalphon and Gabriel have been here before, so.

C: Right. Right. So they know what the base level of evil on Earth is supposed to smell like, and it was increased that day, 'cause Crowley was recently there. [G: Yeah.] Yeah, yeah. Muriel was probably just like, “Well. Earth smells evil. So be it." So Crowley sits down. [exhales] But- the- [giggles] Oh, god! I'm normal! Crowley sits down on the arm of Aziraphale’s armchairrr! [laughs] Cool. Yup. Mm-hm. That happens. I don't have anything to say about it.

G: I mean like, for you, the appeal of this setup is that they're so close together, and they're willing to sit like this now. [C: It's the casual intimacy, yes.] Yeah. I feel like what I like about here is that Crowley saw this and saw that there's an angel in front of them, and her first instinct is to be like, "I'm going to present myself as like, a part of a set with Aziraphale." Like, "I am going to sit as close as possible, and we're going to be a wall." Do you understand? [C: Yeah, yeah.] This entire, you know, exchange is kind of like, "Okay, I am siding myself up on Aziraphale. And now I'm going to like, trip you up, and I'm going to like, be amused by your responses," and the whole time, it is presented as like, "It's me and Aziraphale doing this," because, like, they're so close together and like, they look like a set. [C: Mm-hm. Yeah.] They do look like a set. Isn't it so wonderful?

C: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. [pained sound] Sorry. I took a screenshot of that and put it in my notes, and I have no thoughts in my head because I'm just looking at it.

G: They are A. Z. Fell & Co. [C: Yeah.] Or A. Zed Fell. [C: Ugh!] Well.

C: Well. I don't think we have- It's just a pronunciation thing. We don't have to like, say it every time. [G laughs] We can just say the correct pronunciation of the letter zee.

G: Which is A. Zee Fell, yeah. [both laugh]

C: Exactly. It's- yeah. You know. I spent a long time in Season 1 talking about how far apart they sit on a bench, and it's not just because they're in public, because in Season 1 when they were in the bookshop during the drunk scene, they were like, on literal opposite ends of the room, and now they can just do this right after like, last episode, Aziraphale put his hand on Crowley's chest. Like, it does seem like they're a lot more physically comfortable with each other than they were in Season 1. And that's wonderful!

G: [laughs] And they will divorce by the end of this season.

C: God! [both sigh] Yeah, so Crowley, as you said, is trying to trip Muriel up with her questions, and she's like, "Oh, tell me, Constable." But Muriel says that they're an inspector. Their name is just Inspector Constable. And that this is their first visit to Earth- "Oh, wait, no! Obviously I've been here for like... 200 years?" [G: 200 years.] They're so funny. And then they go, "But when I said yes, just then, that was an error [G: An erreur, even.] which proves that I'm human." What a lovely character!

G: And Aziraphale tries to- [C: Save their ass.] allow them to save face, yeah. To be like, "Oh, you meant probably that it's your first visit to London!" And Muriel's like, "Oh, yeah, I was in another [both] human settlement." [laughs] Yeah.

C: And Crowley goes, "Oh, yeah? Which one?"

G: And like, Muriel is just looking at Crowley, like, "Ahh. Oh, no!"

C: Yeah. It's a fun dynamic. It's a fun conversation. If only- I was just gonna say, if only we never had Jim and only had Muriel forever.

G: I mean, this is what I'm gonna say, basically. It's like, with Gabriel, like, later, we see Crowley and Gabriel interact a lot more. And like, seeing those interactions, too, is like, they're interesting because Crowley is niceys. Crowley's so niceys.

C: Yeah, until he's like, reminded of the danger that Gabriel sends.

G: Yeah. But like, he is niceys. And like, I don't know. Like, the expansion of the- I mean, I've talked about this quite a lot last episode, but like, the expansion of the demons and angles that we see is like, I think, the most interesting thing that they do this season so far. So like, the addition of Muriel and like, I don't know. The way Crowley interacts with them- And I do want so bad to see Aziraphale interact with Shax. And, I mean, the Shax scene later makes it a bit clear that like, she is taking the "Beelzebub is threatening Aziraphale" thing seriously, but even then, they have a little bit of banter about the hot water and stuff, right? [C: Yeah.] Like, Crowley is more able to separate the like, job part of the thing versus the like- [C: Acquaintances.] "Oh, we're two people talking." We see it a lot in how Crowley interacts with the angels that they see other than Aziraphale this season, right? [C: Yeah.] And like, I am curious as to how Aziraphale would do that. But again, like, Shax is kind of like, actually doing something to harm them, so probably not going to be the case. Also, Aziraphale in general, like, I feel like Aziraphale is still of the mindset that Crowley is the exception. [C: Mm-hm.] Like, Crowley is my good demon. [C: Yeah.] While Crowley is more aware that like, well, "Aziraphale is a bit odd, but like, the individuals of Heaven, like, especially Muriel, right here, right now, who is like, a new installment into the angels in Earth situation," like, "Muriel's probably fine!" like, you know. So I feel like they have that difference in perspective.

C: Yeah. Though I mean, I will say, like, as much as I like Muriel, like, the only like, opinion or lack of opinion we've really seen them have is in the Job minisode when they were super fine with the bet and also killing Job's children. So like-

G: I mean, I'm talking less about what the angels are doing, and more of how Crowley are like, looking at them and interacting with them and taking them. [C: Yeah.] I mean, it's different when, like, Muriel is like, "And Job's children are gonna die!" versus when Shax is like, "And we're going to kill Aziraphale," you know.

C: True. [laughs] Those are different things.

G: I do wonder how Crowley feels about that very obvious perspective from Aziraphale [C: Yeah.] that like, "Your lot is bad. But you're special!" I don't know. I feel like that's a horrible thing to feel, that somebody thinks of you that way. [C: It is.] You're fundamentally bad. But you know what?

C: [laughs] Which he does say in the minisode. [G: Exactly!] I feel like the show doesn't do much to dissuade us from like, believing- Sometimes, it feels like Crowley also thinks that, is the thing. 'Cause, like, at least the book has, you know-

G: That he's fundamentally bad?

C: No, not that he's fundamentally bad. I think Crowley also considers himself [G: Irredeemable.] No, the exception to the rule, demon-wise, in the show. [G: Ah.] 'Cause in the book we have a very nice passage where it says like, something about how "Crowley would always maintain that, like, being a demon was just a job, and most of them like, weren't that bad, and there were definitely some angels that were worse than demons, but like, Hastur and Ligur just happened to be like, two pieces of shit" is like, the general vibe of that passage, right? So like, in that one, a stance is made very clear. But like, I feel like in the show, in Season 1, we really just see Hastur and Ligur, who in the book are considered like, some of the [laughs] "bad apples" of Hell, or whatever. And also, you know, there's the passage about where God says, you know, like, "Oh, like, Crowley, is the only demon who has an imagination, so that's why she was able to keep the car together." And so like, I feel like I feel like show Crowley also considers themselves an exception to the rule in some way, so it probably doesn't hurt as much. It's just something that both of them should work through.

G: That's true.

C: Crowley pulls Aziraphale aside to the backroom, saying, “Word with you, angel. In private.” Oh my god! What if love is like, real and everything?

G: [sighs] I mean, this line did make me think about our discussion last episode of "When did it become a pet name?" But it's so solidly a pet name, you know?

C: Yeah, Crowley is literally currently pretending that, like, they're a human who's friends with Aziraphale, so like, if she even thought a little bit of it as a species word, she probably would have edited the sentence, because it's like, "Oh, human friend of Aziraphale wouldn't know that he's an angel." But it's like, 'cause it's so fully just a pet name now, like, that's not even a thought. Like, that's just like, the word in the sentence now. [G: Yeah.] [C makes pained sound] [G: Horrible, even!] Oh, god. [laughs] Life is so terrible and also so wonderful. [G laughs] [G: Exactly.] God, I'm still so amused by the fact that we got like, an anon ask that ended with "What if we all died?" And like, I don't know they picked that up from like, us saying it all the time [G laughs] or if that's just a sentence that they say, but it's like, literally, what if we all died? [laughs]

G: What if? [C: What if?] And you know what? We don't have to guess. [C laughs] Thanks, Will Wood!

C: Thanks, Will Wood. So and Aziraphale assures Muriel, "Oh, it's okay we're talking in private because we'll just tell you what we said later, so that you can observe us properly." Okay, in the backroom, door shut, Crowley goes, "I don't know how you lot have managed to stay in charge all this time," and Aziraphale goes, "I'm not sure we have. Have we?" Which is good. I'm glad to see the energy of radiovangelist Aziraphale in the cut scene and in the scene of the book, saying that it's 50/50 on who wins Armageddon. Like, so true. Stop posturing about Heaven's power. And Crowley goes, "Where's Gabriel. Hwat is that angel doing here?" Though that's not how- I don't know how to say it the way that Crowley said it. [G: Is it-] But I did start screaming out loud every time of the five times I've watched this episode on the "hwat," so that's something. Jim's upstairs 'cause told him that bookshops are always closed on Wednesdays. Slay. And then goes, "As for Inspector Constable, at a guest, they were sent to verify the 25 Lazari miracle you and I accidentally performed the other night," and this is our first instance of a they/them pronoun being used in the show, I believe, though we get like, three sentences with Beelzebub being they/them-ed later. I guess it's nice in that, sure, it's nice. Though, I mean- [sighs] I don't- I don't know know how to put it. I think I'm just thinking about a post where someone was like, really happy about the they/them pronouns being used in Good Omens, and it's like, well, first off, for Beelzebub, it's like, backing off what Neil said, with like, neopronouns on Tumblr. So that's actually like, the coward’s choice there. Secondly, it'd be nice if they were played by people who weren't cis women 'cause it does feel a little bit like nonbinary people being considered [both] woman-lite. Though I think this is combated a little bit 'cause there's like, a different nonbinary human character who shows up as a background character in a later scene in the season, but like, eh. And also, I don't know. This isn't really relevant to anything. I'm just thinking about how that post made me sad because I feel like- There are so many like, fiction podcasts, for example, that are like, very queer where people do use they/them pronouns and other pronouns and all that shit and like, people who rely too much on like, mainstream media for like, representation, it's like, just take a step out of the water and listen to fucking- The Penumbra Podcast or Unwell, or like, any other of the many fiction podcasts I'm subscribed to.

G: I don't have that kind of attachment to foreign media like, gay representation. You know what I mean? [C: Yeah. Yeah.] Because, like my experience with well, gender specifically as a Filipino is like, it's just different. There is like, a substantial amount of queer media here in the Philippines, and they're not particularly mainstream, but they're like, movies, you know, they're like, good, well-produced, well-budgeted, well-funded- I don't know. Probably not well-funded. But they're like, actual movies that I see. Queer culture here in the Philippines, it's big. Like, people here are gay gay. [laughs] I don't want to describe- [both laugh] I mean, people in other places are also gay gay. But like, you know, the culture here is different. And also like, for example, the they/them pronouns, it's- I said this last episode. Like, I did try it. I tried the they/them. I mean, not the they/them. The he/they. But it didn't work for me because, like, it felt so foreign, because, like, here, for example, we don't have gendered pronouns, so like, a fun thing that actually to hear in a conversation is when you're talking to someone, and you're talking generally in English or in Taglish, and then you start talking about a person, but you're not sure what their pronouns are, so you switch in Filipino [C laughs] the entire time so you don't have to pronoun them. [C: Real.] Which like, [laughs] is a constant like, whenever we talk about a friend who we don't know the pronouns off, that's how we do it. We just switch to Filipino. And like, because the implication is different. Like, for example, in English, right? Like, when you're they/them-ing someone, it's gender-neutral in a way that is very like, in your face. [C: Yeah. Yeah.] Like, you're aware that you're doing this on purpose. And like, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Like, [laughs] I think we should on purpose gender people properly. But like, as opposed to like, when it's Filipino, and it's just what you use for everyone, and like, the implication is different. I don't know why I'm bringing this up here. But like, I don't know. So like, my point is like, if, example, you are a person who, like you are of a different culture, or like, you're maybe- maybe you live in like, the US, but like, you know, you want to explore queer communities from probably where your ethnicity is from, but also like, just other people that you're not related to in any way, shape, or form like, ethnicity-wise, like, there are other avenues to do it that isn't like, on Amazon Prime [C laughs] is what I'm saying. [C: Yeah.] So you should. You should expand your horizons. Like, there are so many wonderful queer films, especially in like, Asia. You would be surprised. So many. A lot of Hong Kong film is very queer, for example. You should look into that. It's wonderful. It's wonderful. The breadth and depth of the experiences of queer people around the world is amazing. So, you know. [laughs] [C: Yeah.] Yeah!

C: And like, I don't know. Obviously, like, queer people deserve to be on Amazon Prime, etc etc [G: Yes!] but like, also, like, I don't know. Give other things a shot.

G: And these are not like, you know, these are not like, bad pieces of media. Like, there is something to gain out of it, and also- you know what I mean.

C: Yeah, yeah. [G: Yeah!] It's not like you're making a concession in quality or whatever [G: Yes.] to engage in them. Like, you should just, yeah.

Crowley thinks that it's weird that angels measure miracles in Lazari. And then says that-

G: I kind of hate that they make a point of fucking [C: Explaining what it means?] pointing this out, yeah. [laughs] It's like, "Girl, shut the fuck up." We get it. We all have watched- one "Lazarus Rising," Supernatural-

C: [overlapping] All of us have watched Season 4, Episode 1 of Supernatural, "Lazarus Rising"! This is a universal human experience. [G: Exactly.] When you're born, they like, prop you up in front of a laptop and play it for you. Like, I don't get why you need to explain it to us. So Crowley says, “Okay, well, we just need to get Nina to do the love thing with Maggie.” Wonderful sentence. “One fabulous kiss, and we're good. I have a plan.” And Aziraphale just goes, “Excellent. Can I have the car keys?” And Crowley goes, [hurt] "Don't you wanna hear my plan?" [both laugh] Like, not sounding like that, but definitely sounding hurt.

G: It's saur cute. I mean, it comes off - because the next line is, "Or like, I don't know. Take the train?" [C: Yeah.] It comes off as like, you know, Crowley is trying to stop Aziraphale going so immediately because he doesn't want to part with the Bentley. But it is a bit funny, that, you know, she was like, "I have a plan!" And Aziraphale was like, “Okay." [C: "Okay, give me the car keys."] "But I have a plan! I wanna tell you about my plan!" [C: Yeah. Yeah.] I mean, we all know- Well, do we? I think we can all assume that Crowley is into the James Bond situation, so I feel like they would like to share like, "Oh, this is how I cleverly figured it out how-" [C laughs] you know, like, they fancy themselves a James Bond type, so. [C: They literally do fancy themselves a James Bond type.] So sorry. Sorry, Crowley.

C: Yeah. I haven't watched a single James Bond property [G: Fucking never.], and I feel like I wouldn't, because of probably the misogyny, I'm assuming.

G: I mean that guy from Knives Out was in James Bond right? [C: Yeah.] And I watched Knives Out! So I may as well have watched James Bond.

C: [laughs] Yeah, exactly. It's the same thing. So Muriel comes back in, asking, "Hey, you done with your conversation?" And Crowley switches right to her Hastur, tricking people voice, which is adorable. [G: Yeah!] And then says like, "Hey, you wouldn't be interested in humans falling in love, would you? I know for some members of the police force, it's a bit of a hobby!" Which I think, again, does point to like, an interpretation of this scene of like, drawing on queer history and police raids of like, gay bars, and like, sodomy laws and etc etc. It doesn't really feel like the tone of the sentence at all, but I think it's a good idea to hold next to this scene. And Crowley is like, "Oh, yeah, and especially like, Maggie and Nina from like, across the street? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we humans of Earth have a saying. You can only tell if people are in love by waiting for a few days because... humans are weird and that's how it works." And Muriel's like, "Oh, yeah, I totally knew that." And then Crowley goes, "Well, don't hesitate to ask me if you have any other questions about love, inspector Constable." And Aziraphale really makes a choice with his face, and the camera really makes a choice with being on his face [G exhales] where he like, gives Crowley like, a full once-over, looking kind of like, breathless/exhilarated the whole time, and then lets out like, a little shaky exhale. [G: Yeah.] What's that about? What's that about, Aziraphale?

G: The first time you mentioned this to me, I was like, "We must never say that in the podcast! We sound insane. We sound like those Johnlock shippers!" [C laughs] But like, I did rewatch the scene, and am now convinced. I have no protestations left.

C: Yeah, yeah. You love the scene with so much of your heart that none is left to protest.

G: Well, no. [C laughs] Sure, whatever. I do love nothing in the world as well as Aziraphale looking Crowley up and down and doing a gay little exhale.

C: Yeah, yeah. Did I quote it wrong? Is that why you said "no"?

G: No, I was just like, "Ugh, don't ever say that about me." [both laughing]

C: Okay. What part of it was offensive to your senses?

G: Implying that I look at this scene- but you know what? I did look at this scene, and I have nothing left to protest.

C: Yeah, there we go. There we go. I just- [laughing] what kink is this like, playing into for Aziraphale here? I need to know. [G: I have no idea.] Like, is it like, "Oh my god! Crowley's being so smart right now, like, Muriel's so tricked. Like, wow! She's so competent. Hii!" Like, what is it?

G: I mean, there is something to be said about how a lot of their interactions, don't you feel, is like, either Crowley is like, trying to goad Aziraphale into doing something or like, is too tense to like, be suave about it. So like, this is like, a "Oh, I'm seeing Crowley work," and it's like, Crowley is doing a good job at it. [C: Yeah.] And like, taking the lead, taking the initiative. You know what I mean. It's like, “Oh, here is my darling at his element,” so.

C: Yeah. And he's not even doing a good job. It just works because Muriel doesn't know anything.

G: Yeah. And you know, I mean, the thing is like, at this scene, Muriel brings out like, a little notepad and starts taking notes. [C: Aww!] And like, later on, in this episode [laughs], Aziraphale does the exact same thing. So like, it's so cute. They're of the same lot! Aand they're excited about their fake job!

C: They are so excited about their fake jobs. [laughs] Aw. Aziraphaleee! Anyway. Aziraphale holds up the car keys and winks, and Crowley makes like, an "Ugh!" face.

G: Do you think he's saying, "Oh my god! You're so hot" [C laughs] at this scene, or is it really just a "Ugh."

C: No, it really is an "Ugh." [G laughs]

G: Sorry. I love to make fun of you for thinking that scene is any way, shape, or form other than Aziraphale being a completely fucking elitist. But you know what? The asks are on your side! They think it's a horny thing, too.

C: The asks are on my side. They think the "Oh, good lord" is Aziraphale wanting to fuck Crowley so raw and so hard. So there we go. Yeah. We cut briefly to the coffee shop. Nina's working, quite busy, and Muriel asks, "Hey, like, I need to ask you about your love life." like, holding up the notebook and everything. And Nina just levels them a look and goes, "Get out. Now." and I mean, I do wonder like- 'cause I feel like most of the time, people are not asking Nina about her love life. But it's happened with Crowley and with Muriel, who seems connected to Aziraphale in some way the way that Crowley is. This has happened two days in a row, and also, like, last night, she had a blowout fight with her partner, with her partner thinking that she had an affair. So like, I feel like there's gonna be part of her that's like, even if she understands that it's irrational going like, "Did Lindsay send these people? Is she like, fucking spying on me now?" right? Like, there's gotta be some kind of a thought related to that.

G: I mean, my thought regarding this scene, I mean, especially because of how annoying Maggie is later [C laughs], it's like, Nina knows for a fact that Maggie and Mr. A. Zed Fell are connected, right? [C: True.] I don't think it's unreasonable to think that like, maybe Maggie has been telling these people like, "Oh my god, me and Nina got stuck in a thing last night, and probably we're in love!"

C: "Yeah, and I'm so into her, and I gave her a record even though se doesn't have anything to play it on, and I'm so annoying, and she doesn't even like me." [G: Yeah.] Right, so she thinks, what? Like, Aziraphale's sending people over to be like, "Hey, so do you like Maggie?" So that, like, they can report back to her?

G: I don't think it's like, necessarily sending people over. It's more of like, "Oh, people are curious because Maggie has been telling them things."

C: Yeah. I mean, if Nina thought that was true, I feel like she wouldn't forgive her as easily as she- I mean, whatever. That entire conversation is completely asinine, it doesn't matter-

G: Sequester! We're sequestering! [both laughing]

C: Sequester! Okay. So yeah, I think that is also definitely a valid interpretation. Either way, it must be making her life so terrible. And I'm sorry that she keeps doing this. And also, her coffee shop is always so busy, and she only has one employee besides herself. Like, this must suck for her. [G: Yeah.] Yeah. Sorry, girl.

G: And the employee!

C: Yeah, and the employee! Meanwhile, Aziraphale gets inside the Bentley [G: Aziraphale!] and goes, “Now, we're going to Edinburgh.” to it, and then it just starts going. Like, does he actually drive it or does he just tell it, and it moves, like with the phone?

G: No, I think he just tells it, right? Like-

C: But he got his license and everything. Why bother with that if he's just gonna miracle the car to work?

G: Maybe he also just told that fucking car to like, start moving. Maybe he thinks this is just how cars work.

C: Ugh. Yeah. Aziraphale wants to own a fucking Tesla that goes on autopilot. He wouldn't. I'm not gonna say such a terrible thing about him. The car starts, and it's slower than it usually goes, and then we see Crowley like, looking out of the window at the car, sort of anxiously, sort of- I can't really tell. And then at that, the car immediately speeds up and starts like, almost bumping into things again, which is so fun to me. Like, the car can tell that Crowley's watching it, and it's like, "Uh-oh! Gotta make Crowley happy. I have to do this now." [G: Yeah] Good for the Bentley. And then we get the theme song!

G: Well, we get the theme song. And the next scene is, in fact, being narrated by Aziraphale, which, you have some thoughts about this, right?

C: I don't have thoughts about it. I just think that it's nice that last season, the only narrator was God, and now Aziraphale gets to tell his story [G: Do a little narration.] even though his story is about him being a fucking annoying clown who wears clown shoes.

G: Yeah. Like, when we were talking about this episode, you said like, "Oh, but isn't it so like, out of character-" Not out of character, I guess, but like, "Isn't it so horrible that, like, with Job like, Aziraphale was like, a decent person [C: Yeah.] and understands like, the decency of like, having the children not die," etc. But like, in this time, he is just fully back into the Heaven agenda. [C: Yup.] But like, the thing is like the Job one was like, "Job is a good person, and everybody knows Job is blameless, and it's something that everybody keeps on fucking saying," and everybody is like, "Oh, Job, doesn't deserve this because he's, you know, good, etc."

C: Maybe Job should sit in his burnt shack and think about the "virtues of poverty." Have we considered that? [laughs] But yeah.

G: For fucking real. But this one is more on the like, "There's less certainty in terms of like, the inherent goodness of the person and such. [C: Okay, so Aziraphale's just being a dick now.] from Aziraphale’s perspective." Yeah, but like, it's about the deserving, etc etc. [C: Yeah.] And it's just- I mean, I don't agree with it, obviously, but I see why Aziraphale would think this way, and it is so- like, Aziraphale! You've been here for so long. So long!

C: Yeah, it's the eighteen-fucking-hundreds, my dude. [G: Yeah.] Like, this is just 200 years before Season 1. Like, are you not- ugh, whatever. Purveyor of books to the gentry bitch. Like- [laughs] Okay. [G: Yeah.] The first rewatch of this week I did have like, a brief revelation which I'll get into when we get into the line that made me have that revelation where I was like, "Oh, Aziraphale's not that bad, actually," but then I watched it again, and I was like, "No, actually he is. Nevermind, I was wrong."

G: The thing is also like, what was it? Last episode, I said, like, the dilemma between like, Job and God is that God insists that Job will never understand because Job doesn't get what it's like to be God, but like, God doesn't get what it's like to be human.

C: And Aziraphale doesn't get what it's like to be poor or starving or anything.

G: Yeah, exactly. Like, that is the situation here also. I mean, we'll get into it later, but I'm preempting it now. Like, the reason he turns around isn't because Elspeth needs the money. [C: Yeah.] It's not empathy for Elspeth. It's for the "greater good," the medical bull- and it's like, Aziraphale, there is an actual human being- if you're so against human suffering, there's a human suffering. What are you gonna do about that?

C: You could've just given her the money day one and then like, not had Wee Morag. Have we considered that? Ugh!

G: He literally killed that girl! He fucking- like, I am of the belief he killed that girl. [C laughs] You know what? Straightest thing he's ever done. [both laughing]

C: And Crowley is basically just as bad, I mean Crowley is an armchair socialist, as people have said before. Like, beliefs, generally in the right place, but also didn't give Elspeth any money and fully let Aziraphale tag along, knowing that Aziraphale was gonna fuck everything up for her, so. [G: Yeah.] I'm not happy with either of them in this minisode. I hope they both die and then get autopsied. [G laughs]

G: The thing is, I do have things to say about like, their dynamic and blah blah blah [C laughs]-

C: But also, they should die.

G: The entire time, I was thinking, "But is it worth it? Like, is it fucking worth it?" [laughs] [C: Yeah.] Like- so annoying. Well, whatever. We just have to ignore the screams of the people under the rubble. [C: The people getting bombed in 1941, yeah. Yeah.] Yeah. The scene starts with Aziraphale writing in his diary, and it says, “From the confidential journals of A. Zed Fell,” volume 603.

C: Yes, 603. I wonder when he began [G: Yeah!] because he writes the date as November 10th, 1827. So okay, I did the math my first watch, so if we assume that he started keeping journals at like, the beginning of Earth, he fills one of them every 10 years. If we assume he started when paper was invented, he fills one about every 3 years.

G: I think every three years. I mean, what paper are you talking about? Is it like, papyrus? You know what I mean. Are they in scrolls?

C: No, I think I started with China- I don't know. Paper close to modern-day paper.

G: Ah, okay okay. What if there are Aziraphale journals on fucking stones and shit?

C: Yeah, there could be. He could cuneiform the shit out of them.

G: What if he wrote the epic of Gilgamesh? We never know. We'll never know. [C laughs]

C: I guess we will never know. [G: Yeah.] It's quite risky for him to be keeping these. [G: Yeah! They're physical.] Especially 'cause like, he names Crowley. But like, I don't know, this minisode was written by Cat Clarke, and I don't think that Aziraphale's journals are gonna play a role in like, any larger canon. I think it's just like, a framing device that the writer thought was fun.

G: Yeah. Also, it's interesting that like, he signs his name A. Z. Fell. [C: Yeah!] Like, this is the confidential journal, so like, nobody's going to fucking see this, and it's still A. Z. Fell. Good lord.

C: Yeah. I mean, maybe he likes the name.

G: Yeah. Maybe this is like, the beginning of when he started being A. Z. Fell, and he's really into it.

C: Oh, yeah, like, he's like, "Oh my god! And it's like-" Oh, yeah, 'cause the bookshop opened in 1800, right? So it's just been 27 years. Like, he probably has, like, the sign over his shop, and it makes him really happy to see and he likes other people calling him Mr. Fell.

G: Yeah.

C: Good for him! I love when angels are transgender.

G: Exactly. The date written on the journal is November 10th, 1827, which means absolutely nothing, but it could mean everything to everyone.

C: I mean, it means something in that, Grey, you asked me in Season 1 during Episode 3, like-

G: I mean, of course, it means that. Who give a shit? [laughs] Yeah. This is what happens in between. [C: You asked!] I did. This is what happens in between.

C: You asked why Crowley seemed so different in the asking for holy water in St. James's Park scene vs Paris, and I think one interpretation that people have taken from this minisode is-

G: Hell punished them so severely, yeah. What is being written on the diary is that apparently, last month, they went on a graveyard date! [laughs] [C: Yeah. Gay people really are like this.] "Crowley and I both happened to be in Edinburgh, and he insisted I visit a local graveyard at midnight because he thought something might amuse me."

C: Yeah. Aren't they cute?

G: Yeah! Like, literally, Crowley was like, "Aziraphale! I think you'll like this. Come here." And Aziraphale did!

C: Yeah, "Let's come and shit on your boss together."

G: Yeah! And the funny thing is like, I was trying to think of it as like, "Oh, is this like a-" I mean obviously, like, in the present day, this is supposed to be like, a plot thing. Like, there is something to the statue being here and stuff. But like, back in the day, I was trying to think like, "Did Crowley call Aziraphale because it's like, 'Oh my god, is the angel Gabriel walking the Earth?'" blah blah blah blah. But like, they go here, and they're literally just being like, "Eugh! That's Gabriel. What the fuck?" [both laughing] They literally just stand here to insult him!

C: [laughing] Yeah, there's no larger mystery or anything. It's wonderful. [G: It's wonderful!] I also think it's nice that both of them happen to be in Edinburgh because we see in 1601, right, it's like, "Oh, we both have jobs in Edinburgh. Well, why don't one of us take both of the jobs now, [G: Yeah.] because we don't want to like, go up there on a horse" or whatever. But now it's like, instead of them having a job in the same place being an opportunity for one of them to slack off, it's an opportunity for them to hang out!

G: Oh, we need to talk about the outfits.

C: The outfits! Oh my god, Crowley. Crowley, hi! Hello! Hi, ma'am!

G: I mean, you looked into the fashion at the time, right?

C: By looked into, I mean "went on the Wikipedia for 1820s men's fashion, England."

G: Yeah. And this is kind of like, the style at the time, I am to assume. Like, Crowley's. They wore corsets and stuff.

C: Yeah, there were puffy sleeves, like, small waist. And also there's behind the scenes of the costume designer talking. [G: Yeah!] And she said that it was like, they were trying to do like, sort of a caricature of 1820s fashion by like, really exaggerating those new things.

G: The silhouette and stuff, yeah. Oh, I just wanna say that her name is Kate Carin, and I wanna mention it because I've been constantly talking about how much I love the styling this season. So like, hey! Wonderful! It's amazing. My favorite detail on Crowley's outfit is, of course, the puffed sleeves [C: Yes.], which, when I started sewing, it was like, in 2019, and puffed sleeves were all the craze. So like, it's the first thing that I did is to do the puffed sleeves. So like, I love a puffed sleeve, and I'm a bit sad that it's like, out of fashion now in 2023. But whatever. I still love it! Also, there's like, frills on his gloves. Did you see that? [C: Yeah.] The end of the sleeve has frills but like, the frills also continue to the glove, and I think it's so wonderful. I think it's such an amazing detail. I love it so much. Also, I am really fascinated by the fact- like, I opened this scene, and I do have a fascination to 1800s fashion, but like, most of my knowledge is like, Filipino 1800s fashion, right? And like, there are elements of European sartorial culture in that, but it's different. It's, you know, adapted to the fabrics available here, stuff like that, a bit adapted to the weather. So it's not exactly like this, but I did find it so fascinating even with that kind of like, very generic, very baseline, very- pretty much nothing knowledge of this era, the styling is able to convey that, of this duo, Crowley is the stylish one and Aziraphale’s little bit left behind. [C: Yeah.] I think it's so wonderful what they are able to do with this styling. Yeah, like, communicating that immediately, at first sight, you know instantly, that that's what they're trying to tell you. And yeah, I think it's very well- I think it's a very good styling choice. I think it's amazing. Yeah!

C: Crowley's hair is very fun, too. [G: Yeah!] It's shorter, and there's a lot of curl to it.

G: It's a little bit like the Nanny Ashtoreth hair but like, with more sideburns. I love it!

C: Yeah. And it's like, less styled in terms of like, product in it or whatever? Yeah

G: Yeah. What's fascinating to me is like, in the flashbacks, his hair is the color it is in Season 1, I think? Right?

C: Huh. Yeah, no, you're right. So like, we're meant to think that Crowley deliberately went and dyed her hair during the quarantine.

G: Yeah, that fucking plum, yeah. The cool-toned plum [C laughs] that clashes so severely with the warm-toned fuchsia sweater from the behind the- [C laughing] It's so bad! I was shocked to my core upon seeing that. [C laughing]

C: Yeah, what did I say? The same agent who put him in that outfit told him to get into the recording booth for "Sunshine on Leith"?

G: Exactly. So, as they talk-

C: Wait, are we not gonna talk about Aziraphale's outfit? Do we not give a shit?

G: I already said! I already said he looks behind the times. Oh, he's wearing a cloak.

C: I mean, he has a lovely blue bow. He has a lovely blue bow on his neck, and it's a nice color, and he's wearing a cloak with some good details on it. He looks like a fucking Easter egg, and I love it.

G: I mean, the Aziraphale outfit is cute, it must be said.

C: He's got sideburns- he has his St. James's Park holy water scene hair. I always say that 'cause I never remember what fucking year that is. 1862? Yeah, because "You told me what you think-" [G: 1867.] No no no. It's, "You told me what you think, 105 years ago," in 1967, so then it was 1862 for St. James's Park. [G laughs]

G: I love how that's how you remember it, and not how the fact that there is a placard in the scene that says the date and the place.

C: Who give a shit? Did Crowley read the placard out loud in her beautiful, beautiful voice? I don't think so.

G: It's true. There's no placards this episode, too. Did you notice that?

C: That's true. That's true. In previous episodes, they said, like, "Oh, now we're in Soho." "Now we're in Hell." Huh.

G: Yeah. And like, Land of Uz, that's not a placard, but like, they put that in there, you know.

C: Yeah, well, the time here is just the visual of the journal, I suppose.

G: Yeah, but also, they didn't go like, "Edinburgh" or whatever.

C: I mean, Aziraphale says it in the narration, though.

G: Yeah, I mean, it's clear, but like, it didn't have to be clear, you know what I mean?

C: That's true. They could have done a placard instead.

G: Yeah. So I thought that was an interesting choice, also, because, as you said, Aziraphale narrates this episode, pretty much, so the fact that there's no placards is like, maybe Aziraphale doesn't think of it that way. Not in placard terms. [C: Yeah.] Anyway, they're like, looking at this statue, insulting the hell out of Gabriel in the process. And then they hear somebody- like, there's a little bit of a kerfuffle or whatever, and they go to look, and it's a girl. And I say girl because she seems young, right?

C: Yeah, I'd say she's like a teenager.

G: Yeah. She is like, in a grave spot, digging something. And she's saying like, "I've got a spade! If you two don't go away in ten seconds, I'll use it on you" and all that. Aziraphale at this point is like, “Well, I mean, what a strange time to be burying someone.” [both laugh] But Crowley, like, you know, figures out what's happening. Starting here on out like, this entire thing, Crowley has a Scottish accent.

C: Yeah! It's so wonderful. It's great. [G: Quite wonderful.] Not the entire time. During the times when we're supposed to think Elspeth isn't listening- [G: Is listening- but- yeah.] Yeah, when Elspeth's listening, she's Scottish, and when she's not listening, Crowley switches back to the [G: Is in the Crowley voice.] British- an English accent, yeah.

G: The reason why is like, when Mr.- [laughs] When Mr. Fell [C: McFell.]- When Aziraphale goes towards her and goes, “Allow me to introduce myself. I'm-” and Elspeth is like, "Oh, you're English." [both laugh] And then Aziraphale goes, “I'm Mr. McFell.” Well yeah. But the whole time, Crowley is like, [bad Scottish accent] "Wow, och, she's bodysnatching. My spot's gonna love a side of bodysnatching." [C laughing] He's so cute.

C: Yeah. Yeah. I can't do better than that, so that is how she says it.

G: Yeah. Aziraphale is like, "But you shouldn't! Like, digging up bodies- Well, it's wrong!"

C: Okay, so I feel like this- Aziraphale specifically says, "I just thought I should warn you that digging up bodies is wrong." He says "warn." And this is right after Crowley says, "My side are gonna love a spot of bodysnatching." [G: Yeah.] So there's definitely a reading here where it's like- [G: He's trying to save her soul, yeah.] What Aziraphale's doing here is, yeah, saving Elspeth's soul. I feel like a lot of what like, annoyed me about this flashback on the first two times I watched was like, "Oh, if he thinks like, bodysnatching is wrong because it desecrates the body, why did he then desecrate the body to prevent her from getting money?" But I think the idea there is like, what is wrong is actually her going through with the task, because then it's like, a point against her, like, on her soul or whatever the fuck. So then, like, yeah.

G: I mean, she already bodysnatched. The body has been snatched, so.

C: Yeah, though, I guess there's like, added sin points for if you sell it for money or whatever the fuck. [G: I suppose so.] So that is like a way to read it that makes Aziraphale seem less annoying. [G: Yeah.] But like, he also seems to genuinely think that it's wrong, and that's the part that annoys me a lot.

G: Like, when Morag says like, "You're going to Hell," [laughs] Aziraphale straight up goes, “Quite right.” [both laugh] [C: Quite right!] Insane thing to say! I was shocked to my core yet again.

C: I guess it is a good reminder here that, like, Crowley's intentions in helping her- I mean, I think, partly it's because he wants her to get the money, but I think part of it really is just like, "Well, this is gonna be a point for me in my job. [G: Yeah.] And like, this is something that she's going to go to Hell for, and I am gonna help her do it." So yeah.

G: And Elspeth just goes like, "Well, it doesn't matter anymore, because nobody- like, this body is of no use to anyone other than to cry over, so like, are you gonna help me or not?" And Crowley, like, goes to help. Now they're like, back in the city proper, and like, they're walking through the streets. [C: Yeah, the body's in a barrel-] Labeled as pickled herring?

C: Pickled herring, in a font that also annoys me. [G laughs]

G: When did you become such a font snob? Has this always been the case? I just never realized?

C: It's just not the right font. Like, the idea is that it- it doesn't look handwritten enough, properly. Like, it looks like a fucking crayon font that you would find on an app, which I think that annoys me, that it looks like it was printed on. And I also think that the vibe of it is that it should be lowercase and slightly slanted, but it's not, so they should think about that.

G: Well, I don't think it should be lowercase. I think it shouldn't be lowercase. But whatever. [laughs] It's not the point. Well, it really shouldn't be lowercase. Have we considered? The set is also wonderful this episode. I just think the vibes of the episode are really good. Like, the grave set is beautiful, the city, it looks beautiful, the office of the surgeon looks- [C: Surgeon? Oh yeah. A lot of detail.] Yeah, it looks good. I don't know. I mean, it's wonderful, really. It's just, I am completely enamored by like, changes in setting. It's, you know, I like it. So seeing all this, and also, I mean, we'll talk about more later, but like, this episode really does have a different vibe. It has a different look and feel, and they do do kind of not do a good job with that later. [C laughing] My point is that throughout this episode, a constant thought of mine is like, "Wow! They're like, dealing with like, darker themes or like, more grounded and like, human morality kind of themes this episode." And I did like that. For a while. [C: For a while!] I mean, whatever. Whatever. Whateber, even. As they are walking through the street, Crowley is helping Elspeth pull on this wagon that's carrying the pickled herring. And Aziraphale is just on the side, being like, "Oh, don't do that! You shan't do it!"

C: It is a two-person job, so- I mean, Aziraphale would not be involved. Like, that is exactly what Aziraphale would do. This seems correct. [G: No, but it's so annoying to me!] But yeah, she's quite small, and it's sad that Aziraphale isn't offering to help. But he wouldn't, 'cause he sucks.

G: Later, both of them came with Morag and Elspeth in the graveyard, and like, didn't even do any digging. [C laughing] They were just standing around looking at shit. Like, it's so- what is this? [laughing] Aziraphale, pick up a fucking shovel, dude. [C: Yeah.] There's this one scene in Ace Attorney: Investigations 2 that I found so funny where it's like, Edgeworth is looking at the chairs, and, like, the other day, they were set up to be like, you know, like, chairs. And today, it has been folded and set aside to the side. Edgeworth makes like, some comment about like- Based on this comment, his detective was able to realize that like, "Oh, you have never like, put aside chairs? Like, you've never folded up a chair and put it aside?" And like, Edgeworth is just like, "No, it's just never happened." And his detective goes, "Mr. Edgeworth, you should do some manual labor in your life so that you could understand what it's like to be human more." [both laughing] You know what? Aziraphale, you should do some manual- put aside some chairs. Fold up some chairs and put them to the side. Maybe you'll get it more. But anyway, here we figure out that the bodysnatching is to get a body to the surgeon in exchange of some cash. And Aziraphale was just going, "But you don't have to do this! You can be a bookseller!" [C groans] And Elspeth is like, "I can't read very well-"

C: Yeah, in your purveyor of books to the gentry bookshop, Aziraphale?

G: Yeah. Yeah. And she goes, "I can't read very well, and I don't have a shop." And he goes, "Well, be a weaver then." Aziraphale literally started the Industrial Revolution. [both laugh] Literally. Like, he was like, “Let's put those kids in the fucking factories, you guys.” [C laughing] And she goes, "I can't quite remember exactly where I left my loom." And like, this entire time also, Crowley is like, doing like, little asides of like, "Ah, yeah! Hmm," like, teasingly towards Aziraphale. And Aziraphale is like, “Farming. Why don't you farm?” and Crowley goes, "Ah, bet you left your loom on your farm, didn't you?" [C laughs]

C: Also, Elspeth does establish if you get caught bodysnatching, you will be hanged. Yup.

G: They end up in an alley. There's like, a couple people in there. Towards the edge, there is this woman, and it's Morag. Elspeth goes up to her and like, they're like- they're like, each other's like- they provide for each other, I suppose. And this is where they sleep so like, in this alley, and like, she describes it as like, "piss-drenched patch." So like, not a wonderful life they're living. And Aziraphale and Crowley are just seeing all this, and they still didn't give her the money until the very end. [C: Yeah. Yeah.] What does Aziraphale even need money for?

C: I don't know. Like, books? [G: Ninety guineas!] But he can literally miracle more money! He literally can miracle any money.

G: A guinea is- how much is a guinea?

C: At the time, a guinea was the value of one pound and one shilling. [G: Damn.] But if you want to convert ninety guineas in 1827 to the modern day, I think that the random website that I found when I was watching this episode, I think it converts to about 7,000 like, US dollars? Or sorry 7,000 pounds-ish. And at the time that was about 470 days of wages for a skilled tradesman, or if we convert it to PHP, then it's-

G: 482,000 pesos. Well! [C: Just carrying it around.] Meh. What does he even need it for?

C: Yeah, you need a hundred guineas to be part of your gay sex club. [G: Yeah!] [laughs] I don't want to speak of the club disparagingly [both laugh] after we cried about it last season. I'm just really mad at him right now. [G: Yeah. Well-] Also, it wasn't even established yet, so he couldn't have used it on that membership. Question. Okay, you said that they provide for each other. What would you like, characterize the nature of their relationship besides that?

G: I don't know. Are we supposed to think this is like, a like- they're together romantically?

C: We are, according to the Word of God, which I think is stupid 'cause I think nothing in the episode indicates that in any way whatsoever. I think that this was bad writing, if that's what you wanted us to take from it.

G: I don't think- I don't know. I don't think that is what we're supposed to take from it from just like, watching the episode.

C: Yeah, exactly. When Neil Gaiman on his stupid Twitter- I mean, I don't want to read this whole thread because it's like, quite bad, and it gets into discourse, like, the way it started, but there is a point in a Tweet, where he says- he lists the couples in Season 2, and he says that they are Job and Sitis, Elspeth and Wee Morag, Gabriel and Beelzebub, and Crowley and Aziraphale. So he- First off, you don't even have the audacity as a co-author [G laughing]- of co-author- I can never quote that right. First off, you don't have the audacity as co-author to even get to make that call. [G: To be saying this shit! Yeah!] So, okay. But maybe it's something he talked about with Cat Clarke, and she said that was the intention. In which case, Cat Clarke, I don't think you're a very good writer. [G laughing]

G: Yeah. Well, I just- I don't think that's the vibe of these scenes. It's not giving off-

C: It's not the vibe that I'm getting either, like, in any way whatsoever. It's because they keep calling each other "pals." And like, I feel like if this was a situation where it's like, "Well, we can't be open about our relationship because of homophobia, but, like, we are still together," they would like, use a more ambiguous word like, partner or something, you know?

G: Yeah. But also, I mean, the thing is like, it's tough like. from this time period and stuff. It is very easy to make the argument of like, "Oh, they can't be open about it, because blah blah blah!" But like, you're writing a story. There are other ways to show us in fiction.

C: Yeah, like, she kisses her on the forehead when she dies, like, that could have been a moment of vulnerability where she stops hiding it. But like, it's not. It doesn't happen. And it's just not- it's not the vibe. Like, later, Wee Morag's like, "Okay, I'll help you get the body, 'cause that's what pals do." Like, that just doesn't really feel like a sentence that fits within like, a romantic construction of their relationship. [G: Yeah.] Like, obviously, couples can be whatever they want to be and etc etc. But like, it's a weird thing to claim that's like, canonically what's going on there when I don't think that the show shows it at all.

G: Something that I do- that this discussion is now reminding me of is like, all of those fucking like, you know when like, there's like, two women, and then they're writing to each other, and the writings are like, "I love you so much," and, like, the historians are like, "This person and their friend," blah blah. And like, fucking gay people on TikTok are like, [valley girl] "Oh my god! Like, the historians think they're just friends!" Like, it's so frustrating to me. Because, like, the reason why the historian is saying "friend" is because that is how it is said in the letter, in all of the evidence that they have. It's what is frequently said. It is how the relationship is described. And like, it comes both from the perspective of this kind of like, "Oh, the academia-" I mean, of course, there's a lot of issues with academia, like, fundamentally [both laugh], but like, you know, it's this kind of motif running around nowadays where like, "Oh, but the historians are purposely trying to hide something from you in regards to queer history."

C: They wouldn't! They would get a lot more papers published if they were able to prove a queer reading of these letters, in fact. They have an incentive to read it as gay. [G: Yeah.] But they're like, being cautious in terms of what they can claim.

G: Yeah. But like, the thing is like, there are other areas in history in terms of historical revisionism where you can apply this kind of thinking, I think, rather fairly. But to apply it to queer history is frustrating to- you know what I- whatever. Whatever. On one hand, it's that. Like, you think academia will hide gay people from you. And then the other part is like, “Do you not have friends?” [C laughs] Like, “Do you not understand how friends talk?” And I feel like this is like, a little bit what's happening here where it's like, "Oh, they're two women, and they're like, taking care of each other, therefore-" and it's like, "Therefore what?" [both laugh] Therefore what? If you want them to be romantic, then be explicit about it. Because friends also-

C: Well, thank god that you didn't, because Nina and Ma- no, wait. We promised to sequester. [both laughing] [G: Sequester!] Anyway, yeah.

G: Yeah. And we see that Morag is like, a little bit sickly, 'cause like, she's coughing and stuff. And like, Elspeth addresses Aziraphale directly by saying like, "Look, I'm just trying to keep Wee Morag and me alive, and it doesn't hurt anyone who isn't already dead, so you can shove your morals up your arse, Mr. McFell." So true of her. [C: Yeah.] And, I mean, there is this nice scene where like, Elspeth gives Wee Morag like, a sack of food or something, yeah, and Wee Morag was like, "Oh, well, you should have some, too." And Elspeth is like, "Oh, I've already eaten. Like, I had roasted chicken, butter potatoes, and like, two helpings of marmalade pudding, even," and like, you know, it's like this really nice scene of like, these two people trying to make do, and she's saying like, "I've eaten," and they both know she's lying, but like, you know, it's to lighten it up. And Wee Morag says, like, "Oh, you're a filthy liar, Elspeth McKinnes. And a wee angel." Which, the angel in this scene being a bit of a dick, you know, I feel like it is a nice writing choice to have Elspeth be described as an angel in this scene.

C: Yeah, agreed. And like, it didn't annoy me the way that other uses of the word angel annoy me in Season 2.

G: Yeah. [laughs] From Maggie's mouth, yeah. [C laughs] Are we too much of haters? No, but the thing is- the thing is- [C: It's just bad!] We need to sequester it, sequester it. But like, their only purpose so far in this season is to be like, romantically involved, and to have this fucking awning scene happen. [C: The plot, yeah.] And it's like, ugh! Like, maybe if they had other things going for them, you know? Like, we can be like, "Ah."

C: I guess Nina has her ex- or, not her ex. Her current shitty partner. But like, we don't even see Lindsay. [G: Yeah.] Like, we don't see Nina outside of the coffee shop.

G: Yeah. It's just a bit frustratin'. And Wee Morag asks about the barrel. And, you know, she's like, “Oh, please tell me you didn't.” And Crowley just goes, [bad Scottish accent] “Ach, she absolutely did.” I'm not gonna put on the accent anymore. [bad Scottish accent] “Nice, frrresh b-" [both laughing] Wait, I said I wasn't gonna put on the accent anymore! [laughing]

C: You're a filthy liar, Grey Lastname.

G: And a wee demon, even. Sometimes. [C: Yeah.] [laughs] Well, it is a nice, frrresh body, is the thing. [C laughing] Elspeth is like, "Oh, it's just for the one, and it's like, we can get a proper room with the money, and like, you won't even be hungry, like, when you go to bed." And as Elspeth walks away, Wee Morag says almost to herself, “You're going to Hell, hen.” And [laughs] Aziraphale, [C laughing] as I've said earlier, just walks up to her and goes, "Quite right. [C laughs] It was wonderful to meet you!" [both] What is this? What is this?

C: What a horrible thing to say! [G: Yeah.] I hope he dies! Is the idea just like, "Well, I'm trying to save Elspeth's soul, and it's good to know that she has an influence in her life that's like, doing the right thing, so I'm just gonna encourage that"? Like, is that what it is? Well, you could be less of a dick about it!

G: Well, they proceed to start walking towards the surgeon's office, and this entire time, like, Crowley, is the one pulling the barrel now. Like, it's only him. And Elspeth is like, standing beside them, and Aziraphale is still, like, you know, just walking beside Crowley and talking. And are we to assume that like-

C: Somehow, Elspeth can't hear any of this? [laughs] [G: Yeah.] Apparently.

G: You know what? I will just assume that they are having this conversation in- like, they're talking in another dimension. Like, she isn't privy to any of this. [C: Yeah.] But what happens is, you know, like, Aziraphale's like, “But this is bad!”

C: Yeah, he's just clearly like- again, if, like, this was fully just a "I'm trying to save her soul, but I personally don't have a strong opinion on body snatching," I'd be like, "Okay, fine." But he's clearly like, emotionally and morally outraged by this. [G: Yeah!] Like, he actually has a problem with it. It's- yeah. Well, shut up forever, dude. And that's why it does make the him turning the body into soup thing a little more odd, 'cause it's like, "Well, again, if it was just for her soul, that makes sense. But like, if you genuinely feel that this is like, a bad thing to desecrate a body, then, like, why'd you do that?"

G: I mean, I do wonder now, like, who weighs this? Who told that jurn- [laughing] I need to stop fucking "Who told that jurnalist"ing. But who weighs like, your sins?

C: No clue.

G: Is it like, you go to Heaven, and Heaven is like, "Nah, you don't make the cut," and you just automatically go to Hell? What is this?

C: Sure. Probably. Yeah. [both] I don't know. The Good Place tries to figure this out also.

G: Yeah. [C: No clue.] I mean, I know I frequently talk about me being Catholic, but I really don't believe in the Heaven and Hell business [laughs], so probably not. [C laughing] I think that's a big deal on what makes someone Catholic. It's like, I don't buy it, so. Yeah. Well, Crowley says, like, "I mean, I'm down with wicked, first and foremost. But like, also, is it really that wicked? Like, she needed the money." And Aziraphale is like, "I don't understand how money works or why people need it. [C laughing] But I am good, and you are evil. So-"

C: He says, "You, I'm afraid, are evil," which is so fucking funny.

G: Yeah. Why are you afraid? [both laughing] Why are you afraid, Aziraphale? Be brave. [both laugh]

C: He's such a funny little guy, it almost makes me forget how he ruined one to two girls' lives.

G: Yeah. Straightest thing he's ever done, even. Also, I know that "I'm afraid" is something people just say. [C laughs] I just like to make the "Why are you afraid?" joke. "Be brave."

C: It's a pretty funny response.

G: I will say it to everyone at every given opportunity every time they say "I'm afraid." I think it's so funny. "Why are you afraid?"

C: Don't be scared, Aziraphale. Buck up!

G: Aziraphale says here the stupidest thing he's ever said in his life, which is like, "I'm good. You're bad. But like, people actually get a choice, so they cannot be truly holy unless they also get the opportunity to be wicked."

C: Aziraphale says, "She is wicked."

G: And Crowley says, "It only works if you start everyone off equal. You can't start someone off like Elspeth and then expect her to do as well as someone born in a castle." And [laughing] Aziraphale says, "Ah, but that's the good bit! The lower you start, the more opportunities you have. So Elspeth here has all the opportunities because she's so poor!"

C: So this is book dialogue. [G: Is it?] Yes, it is book dialogue from 1020, is the thing. This was around- okay, around the time when they first started the Arrangement, it's a conversation they had. Aziraphale said his first bit about how like, the whole point is that humans get to choose. And then it takes Crowley three years to come up with the comeback of "you can't start someone off like that and expect her to do as well as someone born in a castle." And then Aziraphale does say the rest of that shit. And I think it works better in the book, because, like, again, it started during the Arrangement so clearly, like, Aziraphale's started doing temptations, right? So he's like, trying to, first, I guess, tell himself it's okay because all he's doing is like, providing humans with a choice, blah blah blah. And like, he's trying to tell himself that, like, there are no like, inequalities or class differences or like, issues with what he's doing because of this belief. And also like, again, this is like, 800 years before this scene happens, and I think that over the course of the Arrangement, after seeing, like, both sides of the Heaven and Hell job, he would not be like this anymore.

G: I think 1827 is a bit too late to still be like this, Aziraphale. [C: Uh-huh. Well.] I mean it is, you know, it is a common criticism of religion that, like, it really does- like, it benefits the people in power because, like, the whole thesis is like, "Oh, if you're poor like, it's fine. Heaven will provide you-" or blah blah blah. [C: Yeah.] So it's like, "It's okay to suffer here on Earth because the result would be eternal blessings up above in the afterlife." So I understand why Aziraphale- I mean, I don't understand. [C laughs] I completely lied. I said I understood, but I don't understand - why Aziraphale would- I mean, I understand that like- Okay, like, because what I'm trying to say here is like, "I'm not saying this to be like, 'Oh, why must my favorite little guy portray a trait that I don't like?'" Like, that's not the point. [C: Uh-huh. Right.] Here it's like, is it still appropriate for him to be in this mindset at this point? Like, has he not talked to a human being? [C laughs] Has he not?

C: Yeah. Truly cannot say why he is like this. It's definitely too late in the game for this to still be an opinion that he holds. But I don't know. The fact that he changes his mind so fast maybe implies that he was doing all the scandalous gasps like, for show, just 'cause he's like, "Well, that's what Heaven believes." Like, I feel like if he genuinely, strong- Well, but he also wouldn't give her the fucking money until Crowley like, forced it, so.

G: I don't know. It's so wild to me that, like, the good- the quote "good" deeds that Aziraphale can possibly do in this episode, he's still like, "Oh, but I shan't!" I don't know. I don't know. Like, the entire time while Wee Morag was dying, he was like, "Oh! I shall save her! Crowley, you must not stop me [both laughing] from saving this woman!" And then she fucking dies because he was giving his fucking annoying-ass speech! [C laughing]

C: [laughing] God, that was funny! And by funny, I mean, I wanted to wring both of their necks.

G: God. I mean, as you said last episode, right, like, Aziraphale, whose only feedback is Crowley, and also, like, the rest of Heaven, like, I do understand why there would be occasion for his wires to get crossed. So okay, fine. I'll take this as like, in character. [C laughs]

C: Sure.

G: Now we go to the part that is [laughing] completely ignoring the morality of the situation and just talking about Aziraphale and Crowley's relationship. [C: Yeah, go for it.] Okay. I do think it's interesting that this flashback, Crowley has like, is like, you know, helping this girl out. And like, we are- the vibe of most of the beginning of it really was like, "Oh, he's helping her out because it's the evil thing to do, and she's doing something wicked, and he's down with wicked." But like, you know, [C: The way it ends-] like, towards this conversation, Crowley is like, "Well, I do want to help her because she's poor, and she needs the money, and someone ought to," or whatever. Sso like, it's obvious that he doesn't agree with Aziraphale not just for the usual like, "I'm bad, you're good" reasons, but like, because there is the belief that like, "We need to help this girl out," you know? But he still lets Aziraphale talk to this girl like this and to like, do everything that he does this episode. And it is a bit frustrating to watch, like, as we said, from Elspeth's perspective. But like, from Crowley's perspective, what is Crowley doing here, right? Like, she's letting Aziraphale get to the conclusion on his own. [C: Yeah.] And I do like that, because given that their dynamic is angel and demon, if Crowley just straight up goes like, "Oh, Aziraphale, you're wrong, and like, you're actually doing the bad thing here," or whatever, it will be very easy for Aziraphale to go like, "Are you trying to tempt me, you fucking serpent?" [C: Yeah.] You know, like, it's very easy for Aziraphale to just brush it off. Crowley doing it like this is like, "No, you come to the conclusion yourself." And, like, last episode, I talked about the look that Crowley gives to Aziraphale like, with the goats and then later on, when they transformed Job's children back to being children. The look is like, "Well, what are you gonna do now?" It's both a challenge, but also like, an observ- like, it is just like, "I'm looking at you, and I'm observing you." There are elements of this in Season 1, right? Like, there's that bit with the paintball gun. But that is like, a step up from what is happening in the flashbacks, right? Here, Aziraphale and Crowley is like, the dynamic of the doer and the watcher. If Crowley pulled this shit in the opposite direction, Aziraphale would have absolutely no qualms to be like, "Stop doing that!" In fact, he's doing it right now. But like, with Crowley, Crowley, just like, does and then like, observes, and like, throws back a sarcastic line or other, but like, mostly just watches and like, lets Aziraphale catch up. And I do- I have been thinking about like, the fact that in the Crowley playlist that Amazon Prime released [C laughs], "Every Step You Take" is in that one, [C: "Every Breath You Take"?] and like, I laughed at it- "Every Breath You Take." And I did laugh at that one when I first saw it. I was like, "God! What a fucking corny-" But like, it literally is about every breath you take, every step you take, I'll be watching you. [laughs] Like, it really is, though. And I just think we need to get off our absolute nightmare/sweaterboy agenda [C: Oh, I mean, duh.], and we need to transform it into "who delights in a wonderful meal, and who rests their chin on their hand and watches as they-" [C: Yeah.] And like, that is their dynamic. And it's not just in food. It's here. This is what's happening too.

C: We cut to the Bentley, and it's Aziraphale looking so happy and carefree, and it's like, "You're so fucked up. You're fucked in the head. How could you? How dare you sit here having a nice time with your classical music after you did that? I hope you die. Forever." [G laughing] It's a jarring transition! Like, isn't it?

G: It is a little bit, yeah.

C: Yeah. It's like, he could like- these girls are like, the farthest from his mind that they could possibly be right now. And it's like, well I just saw you do that shit, so I hope you die. My note on when it switches is, "don't think I'll forgive you so fast. two seconds ago you were my worst fucking enemy." Unfortunately, I do forgive him very fast [laughs] 'cause this is a very cute scene. He's listening to Danse macabre on the radio, and he's like, talking to the Bentley like, "That's much better. What do we do? We play classical music that stays classical music." Why is he doing this? Whatever. Anyway, apparently, Crowley can feel everything that happens in the car [G laughs] so like, this is once more a BDSM scene is how I feel about that. [G laughs] So on the radio, Crowley talks to him on the radio, and is asking, "What are you doing?" And Aziraphale’s like, "No, everything's great. We're getting along terribly well together." And Crowley says that she can feel [G giggling] when you drive the Bentley under the speed limit. Huh? What can you feel, Crowley.

G: You know, I'm surprised I've not come across like, fanfic of this caliber. Yeah.

C: Yeah. It's somewhere. I don't recall reading any good ones, [G laughs] but it's definitely a concept that has taken root in the minds of people. And yeah, Aziraphale is driving at 30 miles per hour. Crowley yells at him to "Put your foot down." And Aziraphale tries to hit the accelerator but encounters resistance from the car, and he goes, “I'm awfully sorry. It doesn't seem to want to.” He's so incredibly smug this entire time, and it's quite endearing. And then the Bentley, like, manifests a little like, tray [G: Mm-hm!] of lemon candies or something for Aziraphale. [G: Lemon drops, yeah.] Aziraphale picks one up and puts it in his mouth, and Crowley goes, "Was that a travel sweet?" And Aziraphale, [laughs] clearly having something in his mouth, goes, “No.” [G laughs] And what if love is real and it was fine that he literally killed Wee Morag. What if everything's okay? The car passes by a group of people in a different car, and Aziraphale does a little honk for hello, and it's a very cute little sound. And Crowley goes, "My car does not make that noise. What are you doing to it? You've done something to the car, haven't you? I can feel it." And Aziraphale is denying it, and then Crowley goes, "My car is not yellow, it has never been yellow, it is not going to start being yellow now! Change it back!" [G: Yeah.] And while she's talking, we zoom outside, and the Bentley is yellow, and it's so fun! It's such a fun thing! I am a huge fan of this scene that happened. It is- yeah. [G: Yeah.] It's beautiful. I love it. It's great.

G: Yeah! Even the tire- like, I don't know what to call them. [C: Yeah, the hubcaps?] The inside of the tires. Yeah. It's fucking yellow, too. I think it's wonderful.

C: Yeah, yeah, I love it. So like, was this an intentional miracle? 'Cause Aziraphale's fucking bold if he did that on purpose.

G: Maybe not- I mean, we have established that, like, the Bentley is kind of- what is the Bentley? Is the Bentley, like, sentient? What is it?

C: It seems semi-sentient, yeah.

G: Yeah. But like, how? How much? Is it like C-3PO sentient?

C: I've never watched Star Wars.

G: That's true. And I haven’t either, I just know that C-3PO was gay as hell. [laughs] [C: Yeah. That's true.] That's a complete lie. I did watch it. I just thought it would be funny to say. [both laughing]

C: Yeah, I think that it just generally can sense like, what the driver wants and can change a little based off of that. I mean, that could just be like fully a miracle where things change depending on what Aziraphale and Crowley expect or whatever, but I don't know. I think it's more fun to think that Bentley did all this by itself.

G: I mean, I think it is a bit cute if that's the case, that the Bentley sees Aziraphale as equivalent in like, ownership as Crowley. [C: Yeah.] Like, this is their car!

C: Aw, yeah. "And that's technically my bookshop, but we both get plenty of use out of it, don't we?" He's crazy. Crazy thing to say. Aziraphale says, sort of petulantly, "But it's pretty!" God. Thank you, Michael Sheen for playing gay. It's so good that you did that.

G: It is a bit shocking every time I hear Michael Sheen like, talk in his voice.

C: It's like, "Oh, he is heterosexual!" [G laughs]

G: Like, he did put on a gay voice for this angel. Good for him!

C: Yeah, yeah. I mean, I guess there could be an argument that it's like- but I don't care. He should do it. He should do it as much as he wants.

G: What? What's the argument?

C: I don't know. Like, the book describes people being like, "Aziraphale's definitely gay," so then, like, he puts on a gay voice. Like, I guess there's a way to think of that like, "Huh! Is that like, a bad thing to do?" but like, well, that is Aziraphale's voice, so there.

G: I don't think it's a bad thing! People do sound gay. Like, that is a thing.

C: Yeah. Good for him. I mean, there's nothing about his voice in the book, but I think one can extrapolate from there. And in, like, the audiobooks and the radio drama, they also make his voice gay.

G: All they talk about in the book is that Aziraphale’s hands are so manicured it's so unreal. And you know what? I am a bit sad that they don't put more camerawork on [both laughing] showing off Aziraphale's hands enough. [C: Yeah.] You should blow your budget on putting fifteen cameras on Aziraphale's hands at all times.

C: I mean, let's not recreate Fingers In My Mouth Friday here. [G laughs] But yeah.

G: Why not?

C: True. Why not? Fingers In My Mouth Friday, here we come. And we will. So Crowley says that if Aziraphale doesn't change it back right now, they're gonna start selling people books. In fact, he might even give some away. And the yellow begins to- okay, like, the accelerator goes down, fully by itself. The music changes from Danse macabre to a rock version of the theme song, and we zoom outside, and the yellow fades away from the Bentley, and, like, the last thing that changes the is, the hubcaps. [G: Is the tires!] And yeah, every time, I'm like, "No! Just stay there! Just stay there. Maybe this time it won't change," but it does change. I think the Bentley looks great with just yellow hubcaps. It's got like, little daisies for wheels. How fun! [G: Exactly.] Yeah, there's a bit more driving, we see, like, some mountains [G: Nessie] and then, like, a bad CGI Nessie.

G: So, we're in Hell, baby. We like, enter a room with the demon. Like, a demon enters a room, and Beelzebub is there, and ze are asking about Gabriel, right? Like, any news about Gabriel. And I think this is the point in the episode where I can see that, you know what? I do like the new Beelzebub. I think the look has grown on me. I like it. I like- Well, you mentioned the teeth as fun, and while I do agree with that, I think what I like most is the hair. Although I think the hair is a bit similar to last season's Beelzebub, too. But I think it works. Like, that is Beelzebub! A person I've never [C laughs] observed closely or know as a character. [laughs] But like, that is Beelzebub! I think the reason why I hated the look, like, in Episode 1 is because I just hated Episode 1 fundamentally as a person. [C: Yeah.] So like, everything. I wasn't able to sequester. But you know what? Sequestering works, and I like this look. Beelzebub is just asking about Gabriel. And ze're kind of like, concerned about this, and also like, throughout the scene, like, there's an era of like, being like, bit sad, bit dejected, etc, which [C: Dissatisfied with job as well.] I know how this goes, right? I know what happens this season. But like, you didn't, right, when you were watching? [C: Yeah.] What'd you think of all this?

C: Like, nothing. I was just like. "Okay. Like, ze's trying to get Gabriel, for I don't know, Hell reasons. Whatever. [laughs] And any sadness is probably just about the thwarted apocalypse, and like, trying to find meaning in the world now that, like, the planned end of the world didn't come."

G: But I mean that's a nice interpretation, because, like, Crowley is experiencing the exact same thing, and it is fun to think about how like, Crowley and Beelzebub are experiencing the exact same things, even though they are in the opposite ends of the [C: Hierarchy.] apocalypse situation. [C: Yeah.] I mean, the thing is, this season did come out all at once, so I feel like there's less like, suspense with regards to the Beelzebub and Gabriel thing, right?

C: Yeah. I mean, I did find out within the day, yeah.

G: Is it such a massive spoiler that I've known about this.

C: Yeah, I think so.

G: Mm. Sad! [C: Sad!] Well, I will never be able to watch this season with fresh eyes. Yeah, Beelzebub starts talking about, "Oh, do you ever think, wouldn't it just be nice if someone told you you were doing a good job?" And the demon - does this demon get a name? Do we see this demon ever again?

C: Not that I recall.

G: Yeah. Well, the demon just starts like, rambling on and on and on about how, "Oh, like, it's a good day for me if you don't send me to the dung bits, or also if nobody rips my tongue out for talking too much." And then like, it's like, a very long, you know, thing, and then it ends with the demon going like, "Oh, am I talking too much? Are you gonna rip my tongue out again?" But Beelzebub's just like, "I don't give a shit," you know? And then, as the demon walks out, the demon turns around and addresses Beelzebub like, "Oh, are you alright?" Beelzebub- is Beelzebub like, head of of- like, is Beelzebub the previous Gabriel? You know what I mean. Like, the equivalent of Gabriel?

C: Yeah, I think they occupy similar leadership positions. Though, okay, well, Beelzebub is Lord of the Flies, Prince of Hell. [G: Mm-hm.] Alright, so Dagon has the position as zem. But you know, I think they're-

G: Gabriel and Michael are both archangels, yeah.

C: Yeah, I think we're meant to think that ze's got like, the same position as Gabriel.

G: You know what? It should have been Beelzebub and Muriel. [laughs]

C: Yeah. You know what? Yeah. Why not?

G: It will be so funny if, like, the highest position person in Hell fell in love with the employee that everyone hated so much it's unreal in Heaven. Why not?

C: Yeah. Yeah. 37th order scrivener, let's go.

G: Let us go. Anyway, like, you know, Beelzebub just goes back to being normal demon angry at this demon.

C: I think I like this scene because it like, reminds you of the torture that they do in Hell. [G: Ahh. Yeah.] Like, it is mostly played as a joke, but yeah, you get your tongue ripped out, like, there are dung pits, and also, like, at the beginning of the scene, Beelzebub like, rings a bell, and someone screams, which, like, implies that that person is like, part of the bell's mechanisms or something, right? So I feel like it's a good way to remind us that, like, "Yeah, Crowley is gonna be going through some like, genuine, like, physical torture shit at the end of the flashback."

G: Yeah. [sympathetic sound] Crowleyy.

C: Crowleyy. And that is even Crowley. [G laughing]

G: Okay, so now we are back in the bookshop, and a couple things happening. So I mean, the first thing we see is Gabriel is holding a book.

C: Yeah, My Best Games of Chess. [G: Huh.] It's just like, by a famous chess player, and it's just like, diagrams and shit of like, the moves that he made.

G: Mm-hm. Gabriel is like, looking at this book like, "Hmm. What is happening?" And then, like, elevating a little bit off the table, letting it go, and then it falls back down. And this is mind-boggling to him. And we see Crowley like, going down the staircase, like, in the middle of the bookshop, holding a bunch of books. And this keeps on happening.

C: Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what she's trying to do

G: Like, what even is going on inside of Crowley's head? Does Crowley just think this is what Aziraphale does on his free time?

C: [laughing] Whole day? Yeah like, "Well, now that I'm now in charge of the shop, I bet what Aziraphale does is just move stacks of books around and then throw them away."

G: Exactly. And it is exactly what he does. Bringing books about.

C: Yeah, I mean, I know that some people think that he's realphabetizing it properly, but like, I don't think so.

G: I don't think so either.

C: Yeah, I mean book Crowley stress-alphabetizes his records, so it would make sense that if Crowley is currently stressed, she would stress-realphabetize the books, but no, that's not the vibe.

G: I feel like alphabetizing the books requires alphabetizing, and not, you know, bringing a pile over and then throwing it off to the side. [C laughs]

C: I mean, it seems like they only get thrown when Crowley is like, "Oh, I have to do something else." [G laughs] Like, I don't think the throwing is the goal. [G: Well, I think it's quite funny.] It's pretty funny. [G: I think it's funny. Pretty funny!] It's a funny physical gag. Crowley's outfit in this scene, she's not wearing a suit jacket or a blazer or any kind of a jacket. [G: Yeah.] It's like, a long-sleeved black henley [G: Argh! Sorry.] [C laughs] and then like, the tie, and then they have, like, these sleeve cuff things like, metal circles around the sleeves around the biceps area, the bottom of the biceps area. And yeah. Cute!

G: I do love a Henley. Crowley sees what Gabriel is doing and goes like, "Oh, yeah, that's gravity. It's what happens when objects are pulled together or something."

C: Yeah, I love that he didn't have to talk to Gabriel. Like, currently, his job is minding the bookshop and making sure Gabriel doesn't go out. Like, there was no need to explain, but like, they saw what was going on and was like, “Yeah. I do wanna explain this.”

G: Gabriel asks why, and, you know, like, when you ask why for like, "Why gravity?" typically, the answer would be like, "Oh, because, like, push and pull," whatever whatever. I like that like, the way Crowley answers it is like, "Why did we make it? I don't know." [laughs] Yeah. [both] Felt like a good idea when we were talking about it.

C: What hierarchy do you have to be at to have like, invented gravity or be part of the team that invented gravity Definitely not the Archangel Raphael, Neil Gaiman, don't you fucking dare.

G: Exactly.

C: I also think that if Crowley used to be an archangel like,: I feel like that would like, that means that she used to know Gabriel pretty well. Like, I don't get that vibe at all.

G: So yeah, he says, like, "Oh, it's so things would stay where you put them, not just draft off." And Gabriel's like, "Well, it doesn't stay. It goes down. Except for the flies! They go up." Well, again, there's flies in the bookshop. [C: Yep.] I'm assuming, like, what Beelzebub thinks is happening is they're keeping Gabriel- like, does Beelzebub know that Gabriel has lost his memories? Probably not. I don't know. [C: Probably not.] So like, maybe the idea here is "Oh, they're keeping my darling, darling Gabriel in the bookshop."

C: Well, given the miracle, ze also wouldn't know that this is Gabriel. Or what's your question/theory?

G: I mean, later, when Shax was like, "Oh, Beelzebub knows." So like, Beelzebub knows, right?

C: Well, 'cause of the miracle, like, the angels also suspected 'cause of the miracle, right? [G: Yeah.] Like, what do you think the flies are?

G: I don't know. I mean, 'cause I was thinking like, "Is this like, Beelzebub like, spying on the bookshop?" [C: That is also what I thought when I first watched it.] But, like, I mean, demons cannot go into the bookshop. Demon-adjacent flies, can they? [both] I don't know. Maybe Aziraphale wrote it in the sigil. "The flies can go in. Why not?" [C laughs] [C: Yeah.] Let's get dengue up in this thing, yeah. [C: Yeah.] So Crowley pivots from that to explaining the plan! [C: Yeah, yeah.] Like, she really wanted to explain the plan!

C: This is what happens when you don't give your partner positive reinforcement. [G: Yeah.] He starts explaining the plan to fucking Gabriel. [G laughs]

G: Which is the worst possible thing that one could possibly do, yeah. [C: Exactly.] He explains the plan, and it's Operation Lovebirds. So it's just, once they're near an awning, there would be rain, and they would look into each others' eyes under the awning and, vavoom.

C: Yeah, which is the name of the paint color in the backroom of the bookshop, the yellow-orange one. Fun fact.

G: How do you even know this? The set designer?

C: The set designer Tweeted about it.

G: That's cute. Well, that's a bit cute.

C: We return to 1827 with them taking the body to Mr. Dalrymple's, the surgeon. Aziraphale in the narration says that he was "determined to thwart Elspeth's monstrous plan." Alright. Yeah, and then when the door opens, like, Aziraphale tells Dalrymple, [scandalized] “I'm sorry to inform you that this is not pickled herring!” Like, alright, girl. Do whatever you want. So they go inside with the body, and, I mean, as we said, it's a cool set. Like, you know, there's blood and organs in jars and all that shit everywhere. It looks grimy and oily. And Mr. Dalrymple, like, just wipes his hand off on like, a pretty dirty cloth, and Crowley makes a comment about how like, "You should probably think about washing your hands. It's gonna be all the rage in a few years." Aziraphale's looking around at all the organs, and like, being offended and shit, while Crowley introduces both of them as doctors. So Aziraphale thinks, "It would have taken a miracle to render that freshly buried body unsellable." So then he does a stupid fucking miracle where he turns the body into soup. Mr. Dalrymple’s like, offended that Elspeth would waste his time with something like this, and Elspeth is trying to like, still get some money out of this by saying that this is half price, whatever, but, you know, it doesn't work. Crowley is also trying to help by saying, “Hey, you could try fishing out the teeth and selling those,” but nah. Elspeth can tell that Aziraphale's responsible for this somehow, and then she leaves, angrily. Sorry, girl. So Crowley and Aziraphale are alone with Mr. Dalrymple. Aziraphale asks Crowley to miracle him to be open to having a conversation with them. And Crowley does it. Crowley goes like, "Oh, of course," basically about it. Which is like, what? Why? I mean, you had your commentary about how the point of this is for Aziraphale to figure it out by himself, so I guess, is Crowley just thinking, like, "Yeah, okay, like, if we talk to the surgeon about it, and he explains, Aziraphale might come around"?

G: Yeah. Also, like, the time stopping. Like, Aziraphale requests it of Crowley. [C: True.] Is this a Crowley-exclusive power? [C: Maybe.] Do we ever see Aziraphale pull this shit?

C: I guess not. Not that I can recall. Yeah, 'cause Crowley does it in 1793, in the Apocalypse, and also here.

G: God. What if Crowley is an archangel?

C: No, I don't want it! If it happens, I'm gonna close my eyes and plug my ears until it's over.

G: [laughing] I will gag. I will retch.

C: I will retch, yeah. Aziraphale's saying, "I did a very good thing, then." I hope he fucking dies. And then he says to prevent future sales of Elspeth coming back here, he has to cut off the demand side of things as well as the supply. I was literally so right when I said that Heaven invented all basic economic concepts. Like, they did. Fuck off. So yeah, you know, the miracle happens. Crowley adds that they should discuss it over a good whiskey, perhaps. And Dalrymple invites them to sit down, have a drink, and talk about his work. Apparently, [overlapping] the whiskey isn't that good [G: The whiskey seems to be bad.], 'cause yeah, we cut to later, and it's Aziraphale sniffing it and making a face, so yeah. And what Mr. Dalrymple says is that he doesn't like doing this, but it's necessary to teach students anatomy and basic physiology. Also that it'd be nice if there were more murderers who got hanged because people are fine with him autopsying those. Or not- I keep saying autopsy. That's not- What's the right word? Dissecting. There we go. People are fine with dissecting murderers. Crowley goes, "Excellent idea! More murders. I'll drink to that." But, you know, in the voice. And Aziraphale makes the only good point that he's ever made, but the episode treats it like it's a stupid idea, right? [G: Yeah. Yeah.] Did this not put you off so much?

G: I was confused why this is the thing that changes Aziraphale’s mind.

C: Aziraphale, again, only good point he's made this entire episode, which is, "If you're in such dire need of bodies why not dig them up yourself instead of making the poor and the desperate do it?" Mr. Dalrymple like, scoffs, and he's like, "Seriously? Like, it can't be the best use of my time to be sneaking around in graveyards, risking death instead of teaching and studying and saving lives." And, like, Crowley says, "That's a good point," so it's like, the episode is really going full ham on the like, "Aziraphale was so fucking stupid to say that." But like, he wasn't so fucking stupid to say that! But it also seems like an out-of character line for him to say, given where he's been so far. [G: Yeah.] 'Cause like, that sentence seems to be like, "I understand that you're exploiting like, the desperation of starving people in order to get this, and I feel like you need to have your own skin in the game for this." Like, that is way too elevated of a sentence for him when he's been like, "I don't understand why you're sad when you're starving. You should go own a farm!" So they have him say this, even though I don't think he's here yet, and then they have, like, two people shoot him down. Weird! Like, what are we sure supposed to take away from this? Like, I know what we're supposed to take away from this. My question is why?

G: [laughs] Why are we supposed to-

C: Why are we supposed to take away from this? It's quite annoying.

C: Also, later, Mr. Dalrymple, like, it's not just about like, "Oh, what's a better use of my time?" It's also like, we see him later, and he's like [G: Yeah!] classist as fuck! [G: Yeah!] He's awful!

G: Like, he underpays Elspeth despite knowing that this is like [both], her friend! Who died trying to get you a body.

C: And then is like, doing the equivalent of [G: "Oh, you're gonna drink gin?"] of, you know, "I bet that homeless person is gonna spend that money on drugs" to her. Yeah. It's pretty fucked! And whatever. We'll get to it when we get to it, but later, when Crowley reacts to Mr. Dalrymple’s death, it seems like they like, considered him like, somewhat of like, a friendly acquaintance. Like, no! Like, he sucks. Were we supposed to like him? Like, no, we weren't. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get what's happening. Mr. Dalrymple points to a jar with like, this lump of flesh in it, and goes like, "You're both medical men," and Crowley goes, "Eh." And I would like- I think that it's 'cause she's a woman right now. That's how I feel about that. But like, I mean, it could be read either way. It's like a "I know I lied to you about being a doctor, but now that we're actually being put to the test, I'm gonna take that back." But, you know, the "eh" could be about the "men." It could be about the "men" part of it. Mr. Dalrymple asks them their professional opinion on the flesh lump. Crowley tries, but does not have one and passes the jar to Aziraphale. And I guess I- Aziraphale does not let go of the jar for the rest of the scene, and I-

G: Well, I thought the scene where Aziraphale was trying to figure out the thing, and like, points at the foot on the other side of the room and goes, "That's a foot. So this is definitely not a foot." [laughs] I don't know, I thought that was funny. [C: Yeah. Yeah, it is.] Process of elimination!

C: Good for him. He could play Ace Attorney. Yeah, Aziraphale doesn't let go of the jar for the rest of the scene, and I do- I do care. That is a thing I care about. So Mr. Dalrymple says, "Okay, if both of you can't identify it, then, like, obviously, like, my students, wouldn't be able to either. So it's really important that we understand bodies. 'Cause this is a tumor I removed from a 7-year-old boy." And Aziraphale just looks at it kind of startled and goes, "Oh. Oh, dear. And is he-?" And Mr. Dalrymple shakes his head. Kid died. And throughout the rest of this, like, Aziraphale, he looks so stricken. And he looks at the jar, and then he hugs it close to his chest, like, in like, a protective manner, and as he's bringing it closer to him, he also does a brief glance upwards, like, at God, which, yeah. I really enjoy when either of them look up. Man. Man. And he he hugs it, yep, for the rest of the fucking scene, and. Mm. I care. Unfortunately, I care, even though he's wearing clown shoes

G: Clown shoes, fucking red-ass clown nose, even. [C laughs]

C: And Mr. Dalrymple ends with like, "I'm just trying to save lives and teach students. I either end up with a knighthood or condemned as a resurrectionist and hanging from a rope." This was improv, the hugging part. [G: Aww.] Most of this season is very scripted, but this was improv. And yeah. [pained sound]

G: Now we arrive in Edinburgh, and Aziraphale has put on a different coat.

C: Yeah. And a hat!

G: Yes, a hat with like, a little note on the side.

C: Yeah, I think it's the note that came with the record, like, when Maggie gave it to him. So it's like, it has the address. [G: Aww! Address, yeah.] Yeah. It's in his hat, looking all jaunty. He's soo cute.

G: Like, he has a little briefcase, even [C: Mm-hm!], and he's very happy. I don't know. It's cute. And then he goes towards The Resurrection pub, and like, we see that, like, the little sign on it is of Jesus being resurrected, but the other side is of Mr. Dalrymple. But at this point, he only sees the Jesus version. So he enters the pub, and he sees the record player, and also, there's a bartender over at the counter. So he goes up to the bartender, and putting on the most voice ever [C: Mm-hm!] goes like, "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm what's known as a newspaperman." [C: A newspaperman.] Who told that newspaperman? [both laughing] And he asked, like, "Is this The Resurrectionist public house?"

C: Yeah. And the tone of voice is like he's saying something secretive, and like, yeah. He's so cute.

G: The bartender just looks behind him at the giant “Resurrectionist” pub sign, and he's like, "Yeah? Are you like, an investigative reporter or something?" And like, Aziraphale is so happy to be recognized with his fake job, just like Muriel. [C: Exactly like Muriel.] And goes like, I'm here to get the skinny lowdown [C exclaims] on that mysterious song that played itself. And, you know, he asked for the facts, and the guy starts talking and immediately, Aziraphale is like, "I don't really give a shit. [C laughs] But you know, for atmosphere-"

C: "For what we inkslingers call atmosphere."

G: Oh yeah! I forgot about the inkslinger! Yeah. He shows the image of Gabriel [C: The drawing.] that he was drawing the other day.

C: And he's in the archangel suit with a smarmy expression. So yeah, it's nice- I don't know, it's a good moment where it's like, "Yeah, that is still how he thinks about him." Like, the declawed Jim has not overwritten his memories of Gabriel.

G: The bartender at first being like, "I cannot possibly- you cannot possibly expect me to remember-" but like, he does remember Gabriel. And he wasn't alone. He was just with another mason. The bartender also said that, like, they usually get masons here. It's just never anyone with clothes as fancy as Gabriel's.

C: Aziraphale doesn't even ask what the other person looked like. He was like, "My work here is done! I investigated." [G: Yeah!] And then he just fucking leaves? [G: Yeah!] Like, he drove all the way to Edinburgh for this. [G: Exactly.] He didn't ask about like, security camera footage. He didn't do shit. This is like, a completely useless thing that's happening on my screen right now, and it takes up a whole episode. He's cute, but like-

G: This could have been an email.

C: Exactly! He could've just called.

G: I mean, the thing is like, this season is very slow. Like, nothing happens.

C: And they keep going places for no reason.

G: Yeah. But like, the thing is, I like it because all the not-happenings are happening between [laughs] Aziraphale and Crowley! So it's fine.

C: Yeah, I mean, that is why some people like Season 2. [G: Yeah.] I'm just incredibly frustrated that he drove all the way here for several hours just for that. Is he stupid? [G laughing] Like, what is it?

G: Yeah, he doesn't give a shit. I mean, is this just to set up that like, Aziraphale is not in the bookshop, so like, when whatever happens next episode, it's like, I don't know, it can happen?

C: Well, he should have at least fucking asked what the person looked like? [G: That's true!] It's a very basic thing to do. Even if the guy was like, "I don't remember," I'd be like, "Well, at least Aziraphale tried." Like, it just seems like such a massive oversight that he asked one question and then was like, "Alright, I did it! I investigated." and left. Ugh. I don't know. Maybe it's just 'cause I watched like, too much Elementary recently, but, like, I don't know. Weren't you also like, "Well, that was a very bad investigation, and he should have asked what the other person looked like"?

G: Well, you know what? 'Cause the thing is, you always do this. You're like, "Ugh, Aziraphale like, pointed out that typo so hard and so raw. What is he?" And I'm like, "Well, he's a guy who points out typos so hard and so raw." [C laughs] like, that's the way I feel about this investigation. [C: That he's dumb?] "Ah, Aziraphale did a very bad job at this investigation." Well, Aziraphale is the kind of guy to do a very bad job with an investigation, so. [C laughs]

C: If that's like, a known fact, I'm surprised, like, Crowley didn't like, workshop a list of questions with him beforehand.

G: How are we to know that it's a known fact?

C: That Aziraphale's so bad at investigating? [G: Yeah.] I'm sure it had to come up within their long acquaintance. Also, like, during the phone call, Crowley could have been like, when does Aziraphale was like, "Oh, like, I found out he was with someone else, but I have no clue who," like, I feel like anyone on the phone would be like, "Well, did he describe what they looked like?" Like, you know, anything like that. But like, it doesn't. It doesn't happen.

G: Well, maybe that's why they had to have Crowley hang up immediately because they were like, "We can't have Crowley asking questions!" [laughs]

C: God-coded for real.

G: Do you think Crowley would be good at investigation? I feel like they, again, would fancy themselves a bit of a James Bond, doing little scheming heists.

C: I think that she- yeah, has- Crowley at least knows what like, the basic first questions you would ask as a detective or whatever would be. I mean, Aziraphale clearly is like, a fan of the detective genre in some way, if he like, changed his whole outfit. [G: Yeah!] Like, if he's like, "I think investigative journalists are so cool, and I'm gonna put on my investigative journalist outfit," like, he would have consumed enough investigative journalist media that he would know what the basic fucking questions to ask are!

G: Yeah, but he's way too excited [C sighs] to even think about that. He just happened to be an inkslinging newspaperman.

C: I mean, also, why is he so excited? This shit is- like, his life is on the line here. [G laughing]

G: Well, he's having a silly, goofy time! [C laughs]

C: Yeah, you know, that is an example of a situation where I'll be like, “That's a great explanation. No more questions asked." He is just having a silly goofy time. [G: Yeah.] Also, this has been an area of debate within the fandom. Do you think he knows about the Book of Life erasure threat?

G: Oh, probably not.

C: Interesting. I just assumed Crowley would have told him at some point, but a lot of people are like, "'Cause we didn't see a scene of Crowley telling him, he probably doesn't know." Tell me why you think he doesn't know.

G: 'Cause he's so happy and so unfazed by everything constantly.

C: Mm. It's true. He is so happy. It's still sort of a matter of life or death. But I guess he's just like, "Well, I trust that Crowley will be able to make Nina and Maggie do the love thing, so the angels will just back off, and then we just have to-" He still knows that Gabriel said that something terrible was gonna happen, though, and he seems to have no urgency whatsoever trying to figure out what that something terrible is. We could see that they were stressed about the Apocalypse. Like, why isn't he stressed right now at all? What's going on his head?

G: Well, it's not the Apocalypse!

C: It's the archangel of Heaven saying something terrible's happening who's also lost all his memory, and also, like, all the angels, are trying to track him down. Like, does that not seem like a near-apocalyptic level of like, situation?

G: No. No. It just seems like they have internal conflict. I mean, the way Gabriel posed it is like, "Something bad will happen to me if I don't go here," so. Do you remember how like, Aziraphale is trying to describe the situation to Crowley, which is like, "We need to help Gabriel 'cause Gabriel has no one." [C: That's true.] It's never like, "Something bad is going to happen to the entire world," so.

C: So he's considering this investigation as a favor to Gabriel? [G: Probably.] In that case, slack off as much as you want, babygirl. Go! [G laughing]

G: Exactly. He doesn't give a shit, because, I mean, who give a shit about Gabriel, probably, is the thinking.

C: You know what? You've convinced me. [G: 'Course I have.] He purposefully just didn't ask anything. He doesn't give a shit. He just wanted to drive.

C: So we go back to 1827, and Aziraphale has shown back up in the alley and is offering to help because, "You were right. Bodysnatching alleviates human suffering! That is a good thing." This seems to be operating off of, like, a new standard of morality than he was before. Like, this is like- why's he switched to like, utilitarianism? This doesn't really change like- Again, like, every time I think about it more, my "he's trying to save her soul" thing seems to get less and less accurate given the twists and turns of his thinking throughout this episode. I mean, maybe it's like, "this entire action, because it alleviates human suffering on a utilitarianism whatever way, like, it actually means that I was wrong in thinking that it was a sin in the first place, and it will actually help your soul"? Like, is that where he's working from now?

G: Yes. I think that is what he's working from now, which is why I was asking earlier, like, "Who weighs this stuff?" 'Cause like, I mean, like, that's kind of what Aziraphale is thinking now, right? [C: I guess.] Like, it weighs differently now that it will result to a good thing. [C: Sure.] I don't know. Like, of course the main concern here is that, like, human suffering of poverty is somehow less of suffering than [C: Disease, yeah.] other types of suffering. Yeah.

C: Well, she could just go find her loom on her farm, you see, so she's just doing this for no reason! Ugh. Anyway, Elspeth doesn't trust him at first, and also Wee Morag think that people whose bodies get dissected don't make it to Heaven, and Aziraphale's like, "Actually, that's not really how it-" but yeah. And then Crowley cuts in with "Heaven isn't all it's cracked up to be, you know." Which, I mean, I guess we don't actually know how humans are treated in Heaven. We know they're tortured in Hell, but like, are they having a good time in Heaven?

G: How do you know they're tortured in Hell? Are they just- oh, 'cause Crowley says "You won't like it in Hell" [C: To the Nazis-] yeah.

C: Morag's reluctant but agrees to help, "Because that's what pals do. But it still doesn't make it right." [both laughing] And Aziraphale goes, [both] "That's the spirit!"

G: [laughing] Literally buck up, Hamlet! Kill yourself!

C: But he literally just said it was right! So like, what? He says, "So, as I was saying, big thumbs up from me. Dig up as many bodies as you like." The narration goes, "Having realized the error of my ways, I resolved to assist Elspeth and Wee Morag in their noble quest to decrease human suffering." God, and he literally did.

G: [laughing] He didn't! He just stood there! [C laughing] He didn't assist in any way, shape, or form.

C: He says that he took the time to inspect the lethal security devices in the graveyard, but he didn't even like, take any time to nullify them. [G: Literally.] Like, he was just like, "Wow! It's so cool how if you trip this wire, a cannon will fire a cannonball into your chest" and then did nothing about it. And Crowley also did nothing about it. He's talking out loud about the graveguns, and Crowley cuts in with like, "Oh, so the rich can afford all this gubbins to protect their rellies from being dug up, and the poor have to lump it. And you're okay with that, right?" Ugh. I love you, armchair socialist Crowley. Aziraphale doesn't have to answer because Elspeth and Wee Morag are finishing up. I mean, Elspeth's the only one digging. Elspeth's finishing up the digging. I don't even know why these others had to come with her.

G: Like, why is Morag here?

C: Yeah, it's not like her help was required to get a new body. Like, Elspeth was doing just fine on her own.

G: One, her help wasn't required. Two, she's obviously sick already, right? Like, she's coughing, she's huddled on herself, etc etc.

C: Yeah, she's cold. Very contrived. It doesn't make sense. A lot of this episode doesn't make sense. I mean, you said that you liked it, but you seem as happy to complain as I am.

G: Oh, that's because I just love to complain in general.

C: Fair. Elspeth opens the coffin, and there's like, the body inside. It doesn't even look scary, but Wee Morag screams and falls backwards and trips over a wire and then gets a gravegun unloaded into her. Sorry, girl. Wouldn't have happened to me. So the watch get alerted, so they come to try to arrest them, and Aziraphale and Elspeth are helping get Morag out of there. Aziraphale miracles open the crypt so they can hide. Meanwhile, Crowley sends the watch falling down a giant fucking hole. Like, those people are dead, right? Like, Crowley did a murder? Two murders?

G: I mean, I thought it was very funny. But like, those people are dead. [C: Yeah, it was really funny.] He overdid it with the hole! [laughs]

C: Yeah. Overdid it with the hole. Yeah, so they all head inside. You know, Elspeth is like, laying Wee Morag out and like, saying soothing things to her. Aziraphale is just talking and talking, and he's going, “I'm gonna save her. I know it's not technically allowed, but this is all my fault, and I really can't bear it if that young woman- I could heal her.” And the whole time Crowley’s sort of like, trying to like, shush him or something. [G: Yeah.] And Aziraphale is just like, "No no no, it's the right thing to do, stop arguing with me, blah blah blah." And then he turns around, and the thing is, she is still alive. She's still alive for a good five seconds or something before she dies, and then, like, it's like, supposedly too late. Like, he still could have done it! Like, the pacing of this bothered me a lot. Like, this would have made sense if Crowley was like, "No no no, look. Like, she already is dead right now." But, like, she wasn't, and she still wasn't when Aziraphale turned around. [G: Yeah.] So like, what was that about? They just had to cut this like, slightly differently, and I wouldn't be the most annoyed person who's ever been annoyed, but unfortunately, they didn't, so I'm incredibly annoyed! Elspeth’s devastated, and she kisses Wee Morag on the forehead, and there's like, a moment where they're all just sort of standing there. And then Elspeth looks up and goes, “Will one of you fetch the cart?” And it's 'cause, yeah, she's gonna take the body to Mr. Dalrymple. And Aziraphale starts going, “But-” and Elspeth goes like, “What? I should let her rot in the ground while I starve? Is that what you'd have me do, Mr. McFell? Because it is certainly not what Wee Morag would want.” And yeah, I mean, she's just putting up a front [G: Yeah.], and I'm sorry that she has to go through this. And Aziraphale's like, "Uh, yeah, I guess? Yeah, no." And Crowley goes, "It's a bit different when it's someone you know, isn't it?" Which I- this is supposed to be the next step in this fucking parable or whatever the fuck, right? Like, it's like, "Oh, it's wrong!" "Oh, it's right!" "Oh, it's complicated!" which I think- I don't know. The progression of it feels forced, feels dumb. And I don't think the “It feels different when it's someone you know” feels like the right next step to get into "It's complicated." Like, that's completely beyond the point, I think.

G: When Crowley said this, I was like, “What is trying to be said here?” Like, what?

C: Yeah, like, it's just back to “Desecration of the body feels different when it's someone you know.” Like, aren't we past that? Who cares?

G: I don't know. I feel like it's an odd line. I was trying to gleam how like, it applies to this story, and I'm like, "Well, does it really?" And I was trying to "But maybe this is like, about something else. Maybe, like, Crowley is trying to say something else about something else." And [both like, what? There's not something else.

C: There's nothing. This is just like, "I've brought to you a moral conundrum, and I think these are the pieces of the moral conundrum," and it's like, "Well, I don't think these are the pieces of the moral conundrum." [G: Yeah.] Like, if you wanted to go into that direction, I think it would be like, well, "Wee Morag explicitly thought that this was wrong and that she wouldn't get into Heaven if this happened. [G: Yeah.] Like, should we respect these particular wishes?" But like, that's not really the idea being espoused here. It's just like, a general like, "Doesn't it kind of feel icky 'cause you knew her?" Like, whatever! Like, this is just- it's uninteresting, and it's dumb! What an absolute waste of time all of this is.

C: So they go to Mr. Dalrymple's, and he's a giant fucking dick, and I hope he dies forever. He goes like, "Well, it's not soup, I'll give you that." And also it's like, clearly, she's like, mourning. She's like, talking about how like, it's her fault, and Morag just wanted to look after her, and like, Mr. Dalrymple’s just like, “Well, she's done that, hasn't she?” Like, there's like a kid here who, like, just lost her partner in some form of the word, and like, he's just like, “I'm here with a snide remark, and also, time to underpay you!” I'd be fine with it if we're supposed to hate him, but I feel like given the last scene, when he was also being sort of classist, and Crowley's like, "He has a point," like, we're supposed to not hate the shit out of him? I don't enjoy this. I don't like it. Makes me upset. So yeah, he underpays her by offering five pounds, even though the going rate for a fresh one is seven or eight. While he's talking, she notices a bottle of laudanum that also says "poison" on it really big. It's not poison, it's just a drug you can overdose on.

G: You know what? My first thought upon seeing this was [C: That she's gonna kill him.] that she's going to poison Aziraphale. [C: Ohh!] Gonna poison Aziraphale. [C: God, I wish.] And I was like, "You go, girl! Yesss! Yesss! [C: Fuck yeah! Do it!] Kill that guy!" [both laugh] [C: Kill that guy.] It's gonna be the gayest thing you've ever done! [both laughing] God. I don't know.

C: I wish! [G: I fucking wish.] And Crowley still should have bleated like a goat. [G laughs] Well, I guess Aziraphale should have bleated like a goat. That would be- yeah. I thought she was gonna kill Mr. Dalrymple, was my first thought when I saw it, and then go sell both bodies to another surgeon down the lane.

G: No, I was like, "She is going to kill Aziraphale out of anger." [C: Good!] And- 'cause it is his fault!

C: It literally is his fault. Crowley could have healed Wee Morag and also didn't. [laughs] I feel like I need to keep pointing that out. 'Cause like, as much as we hate Aziraphale, like, Crowley's inaction does as much harm. [G: Yeah.] Though I guess at the end, she sort of redeems herself, but like, eh.

G: I mean, to be fair, like, it was Aziraphale who did the original souping up the body. [C: That's true.] So I would say that he-

C: I just think that Crowley should have known that was what was gonna happen if he let Aziraphale tag along.

G: You know what? I remember, like, trying to look at Crowley's face in that scene. [C: Mm-hm.] And I do think it was a surprise for Crowley when it happened, right?

C: Oh. Aw. I don't know. I couldn't tell. It's a very Aziraphale-centric flashback. She eventually snags the laudanum, and he comes back with the money, and he says, incredibly judgmentally, "There you go. Blood money." like, you- you're the market, bro! [laughs] What are you-? Ugh. Okay. And he goes, "And what are you going to spend it on. Gin?" I hope he dies. I hope he dies. She says, "Wine. For a toast."

G: We see her back at the mausoleum, and she pours the laudanum into a little goblet. And then like, Aziraphale and Crowley come in. Aziraphale just says like, you know, "I'm sorry about your friend." And she is like, still putting on a brave face. Like, you know, "Happens. People die. And I bought some wine, so let's toast Wee Morag, and then I'm going, and you can use this money to bury me somewhere where no ghouls will ever dig me back up."

C: I really like that line 'cause, I mean, it adds some depth to her that, like- Like, she actually does have moral quandaries about what she's doing the whole time, and like, she has been talking in practical terms, but like, it like, does hurt her because of her religion or whatever. Like, I don't know. I enjoyed it. [G: Yeah.] And like, this is not really related, but I was reminded of, like, some work by Viviana Zelizer who's like, an economic sociologist, and specifically, she has, like, this work on child life insurance, which was something that was marketed to like [G: Oh, yeah.] mostly low-income [G: Low-income Victorian families.], like USAmericans, I think in the 1870s. I think she focuses on the US, but maybe it was also happening in the UK.

G: Yeah, because, like, your kids just died, and like, people painted it as like, a bad thing when, like, literally, your kids probably really will just die.

C: Yeah, no, yeah. The press response was like, really awful, because people were like- especially because, like, this was marketed mostly towards low-income people where people were like, "Oh, all these poor people are just like, birthing a bunch of babies, and then like, killing them, for like, the [G: Insurance, yeah.] insurance money," blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah. But like, this was like, it was actually obtained out of like, a very strong sense of love for like, if your kid dies an untimely death, they'll have enough money for a dignified funeral, which was like, a really big concern in a way that like, rich people didn't understand.

G: Because of their religion, yeah.

C: Yeah. Yeah. And I don't know. I thought that was- I was reminded of that. I think it's interesting, and I think it also connects to the way that Mr. Dalrymple misconstrues and judges Elspeth's personal finance choices regarding the five pounds. So, yeah, yeah. I like that line.

G: Yeah. God, I mean, she gets out of this story with ninety guineas [C: Yeah.], and a promise that she'll get a farm and be properly good. But she still has lost so much.

C: Yeah.

G: She is just like, "Well, I will join Morag. And can we just do this now, please?" And as Elspeth like, reaches out for the goblet, it's already in Crowley's hands, and Crowley drinks it, and Elspeth is like, "Well, you're going to die." But he's like, "I have a constitution of an ox."

C: Yeah. And I want Aziraphale to fucking eat me, baby!

G: Elspeth is just like, "Well, I can just kill myself in other ways," and etc etc. But Crowley- well, the starts the scene that I find [C: That I hate. That we both hate so so much.] very frustrating, yeah. 'Cause like, the entire time, Crowley is like- 'Cause laudanum is some kind of- it's like, a type of opiate, right? [C: I think, yeah, it's an opiate.] The way it reacts with Crowley's constitution is like, it makes him like, boisterously loud, like, in a drunken way. He's just like, putting on like, the voices and singing and bleating like a goat.

C: Yeah, yeah, he sings “Flower of Scotland,” which is a song that doesn't get invented until 140 years later, and is the unofficial anthem of Scotland. Yeah. Oh, that was also improv.

G: Crowley it's just like, "Don't kill your-" [both laughing] As I've said, Aziraphale literally invented “Kill yourself” during Hamlet and Crowley invented, [both] “Noo, don’t kill yourself!" [C: "Ahahaha, you’re so sexy."] today. Literally.

C: It's just such an annoying fucking scene, because it's like, just let her have a moment? [G: Yeah.] Like, anytime she gets anywhere close to expressing a feeling that would like, make her like, a character with like, more depth of personality that we could relate to, like, Crowley, just like, does a new thing, so like, she can't. [G: Yeah.] Like, what's the point of this? Is it supposed to like, make it funnier? 'Cause it doesn't.

G: The thesis of this scene is when she goes- 'cause like, Crowley goes like, “Hey, Aziraphale. Just tell her that poverty is ineffably wonderful, and that life is worth living,” [C laughs] and Elspeth goes, “Life isn't worth anything. Monsters like me just come and dig you back up and-” and like, what Aziraphale says is literally, “I'm going to stop you right there.” [C: Yeah!] And then we go back to Crowleyisms. And it's like, that is the point of the scene. It's like, Elspeth tries to express anything, and Crowley doing something and Aziraphale going, “I will stop you from expressing your emotions and feelings at this point in time.”

C: Yeah. It's awful. I hate it so much!

G: Yeah. I don't know. Crowley becomes tiny and then becomes big. Who even cares? Who give a shit? C: Yeah. You are not Mitski in "Nobody" and you will never be Mitski "Nobody." [G: Exactly.] Also, a totally pedantic thing, and also I guess I'm also asking people who are in physics about this. Okay, Crowley, when she's tiny [G: Yeah!] has a really high-pitched voice [G: Smaller voice!] but when she's giant [G: Big, it's normal voice.], it's not deeper. [G: Like, what is this?] 'Cause I thought the idea was that when you shrink, your vocal cords get shorter [G: Your vocal cords get smaller, yeah], so then, if you like, pluck them, like, it's a higher-pitched sound. So like, shouldn't Crowley have a really deep voice when she turns super big?

G: They DGAF about that. I mean, okay. The special effects do look good. I will say that. [C: Sure.] I think we've talked about it a lot. Well, in Season 1, I suppose we talked about it, how like, the practical effects are quite good, but the CGI isn't. Well, I think in Season 2, they kind of found the balance between the two of like, having good CGI and practical effects. Like, this scene, I think it looks- like, when he erupts from the mausoleum, it looks nice!

C: That was practical effects. [G: It is, yeah.] 'Cause remember, the behind the scenes, they made the tiny house and grave.

G: The tiny set, so that he can like, erupt from it. I think it's pretty cool.

C: I can't believe they had to build an entire tiny set just for that. Like, he didn't need to turn big. It wasn't that necessary to the scene.

G: You know what I hate the most about the Crowley turning big scene? [C: What?] A part of me was like, “Oh, now that he's big, the effects of the poison, or whatever, of the laudanum-” It's not even necessarily poison - like, "the effects of the laudanum wouldn't be as intense [C: Oh, interesting.] 'cause like, he's big, right?" [C: Okay.] And when the first thing he says up there is "Nice view" or something, [C: Oh, yeah, you were like, "Oh, she's sober now."] yeah, I was like, "Oh, Crowley's back, and like, is going to talk, like, you know, soberly." But it's not even the case! [C: Nope. Nope. I don't know. Is the big thing that-] Oh, he says, "Stunning view." Which, honestly, I really like that line. [both laugh] I'm so sorry. I know we hate this scene, but the "Stunning view," I did like it.

C: So the idea is like- Okay, the turning really big thing. I mean, I guess it's like, not purposeful or whatever. But I'm trying to figure out how Elspeth is trying to rationalize all this in her mind, 'cause she doesn't seem very shocked at any of the goings-on. [G: Yeah.] And I feel like part of the turning big thing is like, "There's been like, a supernatural visitation upon you, so you really really have to take this advice" is like, the effect that they're going for, but like, ugh. Whatever. Whatever. I hate this scene. The end.

G: I hate this scene, but also when Crowley said "You have sinned very bigly," [C: Yeah.] I really did like that line. [laughing] [C: Like, oh. Yeah. Yeah.] And he goes, "Don't kill yourself!"

C: Well, specifically, "Trying to kill yourself? Is- is- I mean, it's not on!"

G: He tells Aziraphale to like, look at his wallet and give the contents of it to Elspeth. And Aziraphale was like, "Well, I do have ninety guineas, but, [C groans] like, the virtues of poverty!"

C: I wish she poisoned him, and like, with double of that so he actually fucking died.

G: And I know it won't kill him, but like, I don't know. Discorporating and then being inconvenienced for a couple hundred years, may have been worth it.

C: Yeah. I mean, he'd come back even more insufferable because he'd get Heaven propagandized to hell and back there, though.

G: Ugh! It's true. [C: Yeah.] Crowley makes the excellent point of "Virtues of poverty are ass. Like, she's gonna be shot by a gravegun, or like, hanged or something if she doesn't top herself first. So just give her the fucking money." And Aziraphale does eventually. And Crowley does the whole, "Buy a farm and be good, not just pretend good, but properly good."

C: Which is nice that like, at this moment, she is also trying to do the soul-saving thing in addition to the life-saving thing. Aziraphale forces her to promise twice that she'll be good before he gives her the money, and also Crowley has to say first, "Good enough for me" before he gives her the money. I hope he dies forever and ever and also ever. [G: Yeah.] Also, she's like, smiling and laughing at the end of this, and it's like, I don't know if she'd be there yet. Like, I think maybe if it was played as like, giddy, but like, I don't know. It's been a tough night.

G: Tough night, and this thing doesn't [C: It doesn't fix it!]- One, it doesn't fix it. Two, whatever is happening now is like, so wild. There is a gigantic man in front that just erupted from the mausoleum. Like, hello.

C: Yeah. But like, I don't know. The writers don't give a shit about her. Ugh. Sorry, Elspeth.

G: The next scene is Aziraphale and Crowley heading out from the mausoleum, and Crowley is still a bit, I suppose drunk is the right word, right? [C: Sure, yeah.] Still a little bit drunk and is kind of like, staggering by the graveyard. Aziraphale is trying to make him stay on track, but, like, you know, jumping around and at some point, like, turns completely around and just start going, "Where are you? Where are you?" [laugh] He is wearing those very dark glasses, so like, yeah. [C: That's true. That's true.] I don't think he can see anything right now. You pointed out that the rest of the scene, like, Aziraphale is just holding Crowley by the waist. [C: Mm-hm!] Which is nice. It's nice. [C: Yeah.] He's saying like, "Oh, it's very kind of you. You saved that woman." And Crowley's putting on the "Don't ever imply that I can ever be good, ever" thing. And it's like, "I'm not responsible for my actions. I wasn't being kind on purpose," and Aziraphale asks, like, "Oh, will you get in trouble from Hell?" And Crowley goes, "Well, I mean, if Hell even noticed that little display, I'd already be-" and then the ground opens up and like, swallows Crowley. Oh, Crowley. This does make me sad.

C: Yeah. I guess. What I assumed is that she probably expended a lot of miracle energy to turn big, so that would have been what alerts Hell to like, what's going on here, and then they would have witnessed the rest of it? 'Cause I was confused about how Hell would just be able to tell if Crowley does something nice, but I think that is the logic I'm going with. Well, where they kiss before the hole opens up but also doesn't- it doesn't like, deal with any of the Elspeth stuff, but like, it is very nice, read, "i would not ask (and neither should you)" by mercuryhatter on AO3.

G: I really like the transition shot here, actually, where Aziraphale is looking around, a bit confused 'cause, you know, Crowley just got swallowed up by the earth. And then, like, as he turns, it transitions to the graveyard, like, in modern day daytime. And, like, the Gabriel statue is still there. I thought that was cool.

C: What I was gonna say is that Aziraphale's diary entry closes with the line,"And that was the last I was to see of Crowley for quite some time." [G: Yeah.] Does that imply that he's seen her again since, though?

G: Until, like, 1860 whatever, you mean?

C: No, I'm saying, "And that was the last I was to see of Crowley." I feel like the wording of that implies that "But eventually, I did see her again." [G: I mean, obviously!] Okay, but my question here is that this is a diary entry-

G: Oh, since the month! Ah! 'Cause it was a last month occurrence.

C: Yeah, it's only been a month, so like, was Crowley just down there for a few weeks, then? [G: Maybe.] That's still quite bad.

G: But I feel like Aziraphale wouldn't say "quite a while" for 3 weeks, I don't think.

C: Right, which is, I think that this is just like, a writing error that they didn't pick up on [G: An erreur.], but also, I mean, the point is like, Aziraphale's aware that Crowley is being tortured the entire time, so I think that 3 weeks does feel pretty long, like, if you're like, sitting in your bookshop, worrying.

G: God, isn't it so miserable that they can't even do anything about that? [C: Yeah.] Like, both of them for each other. If Crowley gets sent downstairs for correctional, disciplinary, blah blah, like Aziraphale can't do anything. And Crowley can't too if Aziraphale's upstairs. [C: Yeah.] Horrible!

C: Well, I just have to remember that Aziraphale's wearing clown shoes, and then I don't have to care. [laughs] So yeah. We cut to the present day in the graveyard, and there's like, one of them has like, a forehead tattoo that says "no regrets," but misspelled as "no regerts" or something. I guess we're supposed to think that Aziraphale is at risk of violence from them. Aziraphale calls them over and asks to use their phones, and one of the guys, the guy with the forehead tattoo is like, you know, like, "Ah, I don't want to. And I'm gonna be like, a bit physically threatening or whatever right now." And Aziraphale just goes, "Telephone, please. I don't have all day. And I did ask nicely." Good for him. At least we get to see some of the like, him defending his bookshop from the Soho mafia, or whatever [laughs] sort of vibe here. And the second guy behind the first guy just offers the phone and says, "I'm out of minutes. Mostly, I just use it for Twitter-" and then he pauses and says in a voice that's like, I don't- it's like he's realizing something. Like, it's an odd choice. - where he adds, "And Grindr." And like, I don't- it just feel like Neil Gaiman being like a "Haha, don't you guys- Isn't that fun? Isn't it fun that I'm doing this, you guys? I'm gonna put emphasis on this. Did you know that this guy uses Grindr? Oh my god, this super tough-looking guy is like, gay, and aren't I so progressive for doing this?" Like, okay.

G: I mean, I think the way I read it was like, "Oh, I'm trying to communicate to this obviously gay man that I'm also gay. [C: Aww. Okay.] So I'm saying this."

C: Sure, that's nice. [both laughing] [G: Yeah.] Are you also thinking about the ask where it's like, "Grey usually has an interpretation of the scene that's less bad than [G: Oh yeah!] Crystal's opinion?" [laughs] Yeah.

G: I literally always fucking do.

C: Yeah, okay, he's trying to get off with Aziraphale or just try to express solidarity. Good for him. The phone's kind of glitchy and cracked. The phone background is the Union Jack. And yeah, Aziraphale goes, “Now, I'm afraid I do need a little privacy.” Which, yeah.

G: [laughing] Why are you afraid? [C laughing] Well. Why are you afraid, Aziraphale?

C: So, picks up the phone, doesn't really know what to do with it, and then goes, “Um, hello! I'd like you to call the telephone in my bookshop, please, phone. It's on my desk.” God. God. God. He’s being so “Love’s Such an Old-Fashioned Word” by Lavellington right now. But yeah, it works. The phone rings, and Crowley, who's been holding another stack of books just fucking throws them off to the side. Some bounce off the couch. God bless! And she picks up and goes, “Fell's bookshop. We probably don't have what you're looking for, and we wouldn't sell it to you if we did.” What if love is real? Aziraphale says that he's found some clues. [G: And he literally did not.] Yeah, he's looking at the statue of Gabriel in the graveyard right now. And Crowley is like, barely paying attention, just goes, "Mm, good job." And Aziraphale's like, "Oh, do you really think so?" [G laughing] God. This fucking praise kink motherfucker. And like, Crowley literally just like, makes a bit of like, an annoyed face at that. Like, an "eugh" twitch of their face. Like, Crowley, grow up. Allow Aziraphale this moment. Yeah, he mentions the pub being named after Mr. Dalrymple, and when he brings up that guy, Crowley seems happy to hear about him. Which again, very odd. Like, I thought we all decided that we don't like this guy, right? Do we like this guy? Aziraphale delivers the information that he left Edinburgh in disgrace and then killed himself, and then they named a pub after him. Yeah, Crowley does seem to remember this guy fondly. Cannot for the life of me imagine why. And then goes, "Huh. Humans. You don't let yourself get too attached."

G: I mean to be fair, like, the only time we've seen Crowley interact with Mr. Dalrymple, is like, talking about how, "Oh, doing this is saving people." so perhaps-

C: That's true. She wasn't in the room when he interacted with Elspeth, so. [G: Yes. So.] I mean, he was still a shithead in their previous interaction, but Crowley seemed to agree with him, so I guess so. And this is an interesting sentence about, you know- I mean, we've talked about how we think that they should try to like, be friends with more humans so that their love for the earth and wanting to save it actually comes across better. So I guess we get some insight into that. Do you think Aziraphale- Aziraphale agrees with this sentence. But, like, he does have connections on his street, but I guess those are pretty- They aren't very deep, I suppose, right?

G: I think Aziraphale is more of a acquaintance kinda guy.

C: Yeah. They really do only have each other. They need to get some other fucking friends. [G: Yeah, god.] This isn't healthy.

G: There's a book fic that I quite like where Crowley had a girlfriend in 1790 in Paris. [C: Yes, it is on your rec list.] The fic is called "your apple-eating heathen" by katarzi. [C: Yup.] And, I don't know. I think the way in the fan interpretations of Good Omens, like, the way the human connections are played are very interesting to me always. [C: Yeah.] 'Cause what we see in, I mean, that's a book fic, specifically. But like, what we see in the show is like, Crowley has no one. Crowley doesn't talk to human beings. But when Crowley does talk to them, he's very- he's often very polite. He talks to kids like people, but like, in a good way, you know what I mean. Like, he talks to children. [C: Yeah.] He knows how to do that. When Aziraphale is talking to people, it's very obvious that, like, for example, here, in the "inkslinger!" scene, [C laughs], you know, it's kind of like the way Muriel does it, right? [C: Yeah. Yeah.] Of like, overexcited, almost, and etc etc. And then, when talking to Nina and Maggie, like, obviously, he knows these people's names, but like, he was shocked when Maggie started talking about personal things, because like, that's not the kind of relationship he has with these people. I don't know. And like, frequently, Crowley, you know, talks about how you shouldn't get attached to human beings, or like, "You won't ever really figure them out" or something or whatever. [C: Yeah.] And I do think there is a way to read Crowley as like, there was a time when that wasn't the case, but like, it kind of bit her in the ass, so like, well. Fun stuff. [C: Yeah.] But like, a lot of these interpretations really are just, they're not like, explicitly said in the text or whatever. You know what I mean? [C: Yeah.] Yeah. It's fun to think about, though.

C: It is. And if you wanna think about it more, I'm gonna plug once more “A Glittering Instrument” by malicegeres [G: Yeah!], which is also a book fic. Yeah. Why are you saying "yeah"? You haven't even read it.

G: But I know that you love it! [C: Thank you for- okay. ] And I support your love for "A Glittering Instrument."

C: Thank you. Sorry for immediately snapping.

G: I think book fics And specifically, once that are like- 'cause there are fics that are like, they're book fics, but like, they're written after the TV show, you know what I mean. Like, they take from the canon of the book, but they're written with the knowledge of what the characters are like in the TV show. I feel like book fics from like, 2015, like, that era, it's like they are so- they have such a vibe that I really quite like. I think it's quite nice.

C: There's also book fic from like 2003 and shit on AO3 that I've seen. It's fun.

G: Very nice, [laughs] as Aziraphale would say.

C: Oh god. So Aziraphale asks, "You haven't actually been selling any of the books, have you?" And Crowley goes, "Not a one." And [giggling] what if like, love is real or something? Agh.

G: How is this even representative of how love is real? You really will just say anything about anything. [C: It's just- I-] But also, love is real.

C: I like how reassuring Crowley is being, and I don't- I don't know. It's just- It's nice! It's nice. It's nice that she like, fake-threatened to sell a book, but, like, "Obviously, I wouldn't," is like, you know, the vibe. Like, "Of course I wouldn't. Like, I know you." And it's like, a reassur- I don't know. It- [pained sounds] The end. Aziraphale does the completely unimportant information relay of like, "Yeah, Gabriel was there with someone, but he wasn't alone, but I have no clue what that person looks like or anything about the person because I'm a bad investigator."

G: What's so funny is like, when I first watched this, and- 'cause Aziraphale does the thing where it's like, "Gabriel has indeed visited the establishment in question! In company with..." And I solemnly was like, "Oh, like, we saw some investigation happen off-screen." [C: No. Nope.] But we literally didn't. [laughs] [C: We did not.] He doesn't know who the company is. God, Aziraphale’s so bad at this.

C: Yeah. And I mean, I was pretty annoyed at this scene, like, taking up time or whatever 'cause I was like, "We already saw all this. It doesn't matter." But then I did remember how in Season 1, Aziraphale so staunchly kept information from Crowley. And it's nice that he's calling to tell her all this useless shit. [both laughing] [G: Yeah.] Borrowed an entire mobile phone because, like, he couldn't wait to like, drive back before relaying this information. Isn't that nice? [G: Quite nice!] But yeah, Crowley, they go like, "Oh, listen. I think it's about to happen," 'cause she's been looking across the street, and Nina and Maggie are finally in the same place. And then says that, you know, he has to hang up. [both] “It's the awning of a new age.” Wow! You're so charming and cute, Crowley. Hii! And then Aziraphale returns the phone to the guy. It's no longer cracked, no longer glitching, and the flag has turned into the Scottish flag as the phone background. And, you know, he heads off and says, "Blessings be upon you, and your phone, and Twitter and Grindr, whatever they happen to be."

C: Wait, I forgot. Am I in charge of this? No.

G: I'm supposed to be in charge of- if you-

C: Haha, fun! Okay! [G laughing] We've gotten to the scene that's been looming over our heads for this entire episode.

G: We are now about to go into the sequestered area of this episode.

C: Yeah. Yeah. There are fumes about. It's horrible.

G: Maggie has approached Nina. Crowley sees this and is like, "Okay, I'm going to-"

C: "- do the rain." And I think that- I forgot to mention- I'm usually on sunglasses watch. I'm sorry that I overlooked this. Crowley doesn't have her sunglasses on when she's inside the bookshop like, now, which means that like, he's gotten comfortable-ish enough with Gabriel [G: Yeah.] or like, just doesn't give a shit enough to do that. 'Cause, well, he keeps them on when Muriel's here because it would reveal that they're a demon, but yeah, I think they're chiller about Gabriel's presence now. And we see her lovely, beautiful serpent doe eyes when she is looking out at the two of them and causing the rain to happen. So at least we got that.

G: Yeah. Yeah. And as the sky darkens or whatnot, Maggie tells Nina, like, "Can we talk?" [C laughs] And Nina goes, "We don't have anything to talk about." [C: Because they don't!] Genuinely! [C: Because they do not!] What is there even to- What is there to talk about? And Maggie goes, “I think we do,” and it's like [C: What??], no! There's-! Well, anyway, they start walking or whatever, and like, you know what? I am a bit upset that I hate this scene so much because I didn't think Maggie looks so nice.

C: Oh, yeah, her outfit is amazing.

G: I think the hairstyle is different this episode, right?

C: Oh, is it? I couldn't tell. I just love her cardigan. It's like, orangey-brown [G: A terracotta.] and then there's like, a dancing woman, like, holding like, a music note with a feather in her hat and stuff embroidered on both sides.

G: I think the hair also looks very nice this episode, which is why this scene is even more frustrating! [C laughs] Well Maggie goes, "You're upset, and you're acting as if it's my fault. [C: Like, what?] I don't really know what's going on in your life [C: What?], but I know that whatever happened the other night, I didn't lock us in." And first of all-

C: Are we missing a fucking interaction? Like, the last time we- okay, like, we didn't even see them talk last episode, right? First episode, they get locked in, they're having a perfectly fine, I guess, conversation about the record shop ownership, and then Crowley lets them out, and then Nina gets a bunch of texts, and then we cut. Is there something- what is-? And then, like, the next episode, like, Maggie's like, "Oh, she hates me," and we don't really know why, but we just assume it's 'cause Nina wasn't that receptive to conversation. Like, what happened [G: What happened?] after the unlocking and like-

G: Like, did she go for coffee the next morning? And Nina was like, "Oh, you're a skinny latte." instead of saying, "Oh, you're Maggie." [both laughing] And she was like, [fake crying] "She hates me so much, you guys! She's soo mean!" [C: "She hates me!"] What even is this?

C: Yeah, I just- they're playing this so dramatically. They're playing this like they're in like, a fucking Austen movie, and that they've like, been like, deeply in love for like, months, and there's just this giant, grave, misunderstanding. Like [G: You found out her name three days ago!] Yeah. And like, I don't even know what she did to make you think she's upset with you. Like, there's nothing here. What's going on?

G: She says, "I don't know why you're angry with me," and Nina says, "I'm not angry at you. It's just- It's not about you." And yeah! It's not about you!! It literally isn't-! I need to calm down. [C sighs] Well, Nina says, like, "Lindsay decided I must have been having an affair because I wasn't texting back, and I just couldn't deal." And [C: God.] Maggie goes, "That's not fair. I mean, I'd never. [C: What?] And we didn't. [C screams] It was the power going out! Like, I mean, we're not having a- what your partner said!" And it's like, what is this?

C: What is-? They just keep acting like there's something there, and there isn't. Like, they didn't- this is what you would act like if there was a moment where it felt like you were going to have an affair. [G: Yeah!] And like, maybe that was like, the vibe in the "Well, here we are." "Here we are." thing, but then we cut to later, and, like, none of that tension stayed at all during bookshop, so like, that doesn't seem right. Like, what is even going on? Like, Maggie's looking at her all like, misty-eyed, and like, forcing her into this conversation she doesn't want to be a part of, but we're supposed to think that she does actually want to be a part of this and that there's something here. And it's like, there's nothing. It's nothing!

G: I mean, it's so horrible. Like, she couldn't even say "affair"? [C laughs] Like, what are you? Me when I'm trying to describe Aziraphale's feelings for Crowley? [C laughing] Like, you're never going to be me describing Aziraphale's feelings for Crowley. Fucking get it together! It starts fucking raining, like, for fucking real. Nina goes, like, "Okay. Well, I owe you an apology."

C: Like, about what? For being mean to the record store, maybe.

G: What even? And Maggie goes like, "Oh, it's just no, you don't. But it's just, I'd never. [C: Why?] I'm not that kind of person." saying basically, like, "I'm never going to cheat with you." [C: Have an affair.] And Nina goes, "I know. I'm not your type." Which is-

C: What an odd thing to say next! [G laughing] What a weird place to take this! How would this be the next, like, logical sentence?

G: It's just so shocking to me! [C laughing] Because like- what is this? First of all, Nina knows for a fact that this is not the case [C: Yeah!], because, like, Maggie so obviously was trying to ask her out the other day.

C: Yeah, like, did she not pick up on that? [G: So what is this?] Like, I feel like it's very clear that the "I have a partner thing" was in response to that. If someone's like, "Oh, I wouldn't have an affair with you. I'm not an affair person," like, what kind of fucking weirdo goes, "I know. You're not attracted to me." Like, what? [both laughing] [G: I don't know.] What's happening?? And we're supposed to take- We're supposed to be emotionally affected by the "You have no idea," is the thing. Like, it's played like, it's like, a big thing, and she's so emotional about it [G: Mm-hm.], and like, on the verge of tears and like, "Oh, god! Like, this is the greatest love story of all time, and this is just a huge misunderstanding." It's not! This is a nothing story of nothing time and this is a nothing nothing! [both laugh]

G: And the way Nina looks back, it's like, we're supposed to assume that this is like a "There's something here." But you know what? [C laughs] There's absolutely nothing here. So, I don't know! [C: Yeah. Yeah. Stupid as shit.] It's so horrible. Horrible scene!

C: Horrible scene. And thank god, thank god, it ends.

G: Thank god. Wonderful thing that happens, [C laughs] which is that because it's been raining so hard, the awning that they're under is like, fabric or tarpaulin material, and it's being weighed down by the rain, so it rips apart, and they [C: Got fucking drenched.] got all of that water.

C: Thank god. Ruining both of their nice hair.

G: God, and Crowley's just looking from the bookshop being like, "Oh my god, it's working!" [C: Yeah.] Well, Nina, like, goes back in, right? To the coffee shop. And Crowley is like, "Oh, no! Well. Whatevs." Gabriel asks, like, "Oh, did they vavoom?" And Crowley says, "I think it's fair to say, Jim, that vavooming was not the end result of that particular tempest." [C: Aw.] And this triggers something in Jim who goes back to like, the that voice and also those eyes and goes, "There will come a tempest, and darkness, and great storms, and the dead will leave their graves and walk the earth once more, and there will be great lamentations." And Crowley goes like, "Go on." And the next line is, "Every day, it's getting closer."

C: Real. Yeah, today I saw that Neil Gaiman said at a conference that there was supposed to be an extra scene at the end of Episode 2 that was like, a nightmare about like, the future, and it was like, some kind of fucked up apocalypse scenario or whatever the fuck. So I guess that was sort of supposed to foreshadow this, and this is also supposed to foreshadow something.

C: We get a knock on the window. It is Shax. Crowley is worried, rushes out, puts on her sunglasses, and also takes a set of keys, which is the bookshop keys, right? Like, after he goes out, he like, locks up the bookshop. That's nice. Shax has disappeared, and we sort of get this sequence where she's talking to him through the bodies of a bunch of random people passing by.

G: How does that work? Is that profession?

C: Oh, yeah, I guess she is temporarily possessing all these people, yeah.

G: Yeah. But what happens to her corporation when she does that?

C: No clue. She parked it in the bank vault where Muriel is.

G: [laughs] For fucking real. I mean, because, like, Hastur, right, does a change of look for a while last episode- I mean last season at the last episode. But that one is very much like, the corporation changed. [C: Right.] So like, this one I was like, "Is she changing corporations just constantly." Maybe. I mean, it doesn't even matter. I'm just interested in it because like, [C: Yeah, the rules of it.] how does demonology work? Yeah.

C: Yeah. She says that like, "Oh, you've got Gabriel hiding in the bookshop, don't you? Beelzebub is not happy with you." Crowley goes, "Oh, really? Beelzebub? Not happy? [both] But they're always such a little ray of sunshine!" And yeah, this is where we get they/them Beelzebub. Shax says that Beelzebub that the angel is hiding him in there.: Crowley is like, "Well, no, they don't, because they can't, because he isn't!" And then eventually, Shax just turns back to her regular corporation, standing with her back against the bookshop entrance, and she goes - I don't know how to do it in her voice, but I love her voice so much. "I'm-not-stupid, Crowleyy.-Come-on-let-me-in." is sort of the ways that she is stringing the words together. But better. So Crowley is like, "Uh-uh. Not happening." And then goes inside of the bookshop. You're right, because Shax sniffs the air and then says, "He's in there." [G: Yeah.] So it does seem like it's like, there's a higher level of divinity than usual in the bookshop, and they can smell that. Yeah, again, I guess Muriel's nose hasn't calibrated properly. They have an exchange where it's made clear that Shax can't actually enter the bookshop. Like, it's protected in some way.

G: I find the line interesting here where Crowley goes, "I can't invite you in." And, like, you can interpret that as just like, "I'm not going to." But like, is it a requirement that Aziraphale be the one to invite demons in? 'Cause. I was thinking about this. Like, if a human customer to a demon was like, "Oh, yeah, come in!" like, is the demon now allowed to go inside? Like, does it have to be Aziraphale specifically.

C: I mean, I have an answer to that, but I guess it's a spoiler. I guess I would interpret this as just Crowley being like, "Uh-uh. Nah, the power's out of my hands! I can't do it." But like, I think she probably could. 'Cause later, he also says, "This is not technically something I can do." so like, they are really leaning on the "Only Aziraphale can invite people in" sort of thing, but I think it could very well just be an excuse. And yeah, she does see Jim through the door, but, you know, miracle, it worked, so whatebs. And she gives up for a second, and she's like, "Hey, so like, if there's no hot water, and there's two yellow lights on the boiler, what is that?" And Crowley explains. It is a nice moment where it's like, "Yeah, this is work. But like, we are also acquaintances. We can have a regular conversation." But, you know, Shax is quite gung-ho about storming the bookshop and all that shit, and she says that “If you won't let me in, Beelzebub and the Dark Council and all the forces of Hell will declare war.” And Crowley goes, “On me?” And she goes, “On your friend.” Crowley lies and says that Aziraphale’s in the basement and then shuts the door and then stalks over to Gabriel and goes, “You have no idea the trouble you're causing, do you? I'll tell you something, Jim- or Gabriel, if you're in there somewhere. - If any harm comes to Aziraphale because of this, I will-” and then stops and goes, “It doesn't matter. It's too late for that now, isn't it? It's always too late.” [both make sympathetic sounds]

G: I like this because, like, I feel like between the two of them, Crowley is the one to be like, "If anything happens to Aziraphale, I will-" but I don't think Aziraphale would say that about Crowley. Don't you think?

C: Hmm. Yeah, we haven't really seen him in that kind of a role. [G: Yeah.] I mean, well, we see him in Hell, and that does seem like his way of doing it, right? Like, "I am gonna be all suave and threatening [G: Oh yeah.] and go like, 'I think it would be better if I was left alone in the future. Don't you?'" So like, I think this is something that they would do- that either of them would do for the other. [G: For each other.] Yeah. Well, one last thing is I guess the "Jim - or Gabriel, if you're in here" is that it seems Crowley, at this point, is separating the two of them and isn't trying to blame Jim for things that Gabriel has done. [G: Yeah.] And he was like, nice to him until this happened. So, I don't know. It's an interesting place for their relationship to be right now. Awight. [G: Awight, even.] So, how'd you feel about this episode?

G: I quite liked it. [C: It was fine.] Who would have thunk, even?

C: I feel like this is the exact quote- like, you said this exact thing last episode.

G: What? What did I say?

C: "I quite liked it. Who would have thought? Who would have thunk, even." I think, is what you said. [G laughing]

G: Well, who would've thunk, even, is the thing.

C: I mean, I was clearly, very, very annoyed by many things. but I mean, I was overall entertained, and they were very cute in a lot of it. But also I was very, very, very annoyed by many things. Best Line/Worst Line.

G: My worst line is, "I mean, we're not having a [C laughs]- what your partner said!" I think it's so stupid. It's so stupid. It's so stupid.

C: Yeah. And my worst line is from the same conversation. It's the part where Nina says that she's not Maggie type. What a weird fucking place to take it! What a thing that makes zero sense just so Maggie can say, "You have no idea!" and look at her starry- and teary-eyed. Okay, fuck off.

G: My best line is Morag calling Elspeth a wee angel.

C: I think my best line is the one I pointed out, where Elspeth says, "And you can use this money to bury me somewhere where no ghouls will ever dig me back up again." [G: Yeah.] The only full sentence she was ever able to say about her feelings. Gayest?

G: Gayest moment? Man. I mean, that guy sure does use Grindr. Pretty gay.

C: That's true. [laughs] Pretty gay of him to use Grindr, I agree. I mean, I really like Crowley sitting on the chair, so that one.

G: That's true! Yeah.

C: Transest moment.

G: Can I just put Beelzebub here? [C: Yeah.] [laughs] In Episode 1, I did not appreciate the transgender swagger, [C: Uh-huh] but now I do. [C: Good.]

C: I enjoyed Muriel's joy at being on earth and being taken for a human, and I feel like that does [G: Yeah.]- I feel like it was- part of it felt like joy at inhabiting a body, and they do use they/them pronouns, so that's pretty trans. I also liked Crowley's "eh" on "You're both medical men," 'cause I do choose to interpret it the way I chose to interpret it.

G: What is our next one? Oh, predictions! [C: Yeah.] I predict the next episode is going to involve Nazi zombies. Why not?

C: [laughing] Oh, you have to come up with real predictions! I mean, you don't have to. You can do whatever you want. But- [G laughing] It'd be great-

G: [laughing] Are you getting tired of me just going, "There's probably a clue next episode!" [both laughing] I mean, there was a clue. Who would have thunk, even?

C: Yeah, you're right, there was a clue. [both laughing] Yeah. You can say whatever you want forever. Whatevs.

G: What's the title of the episode? Like, not just the minisode next episode?

C: The title is "The Hitchhiker."

G: "The Hitchhiker." Okay, well, I cannot glean anything from that. Also, did you know that every single time I said glean ever in my life I thought it was gleam, G-L-E-A-M? [C: Yeah, you said gleam today as well.] Apparently not. Apparently it's not a word.

C: Yeah, I mean, it does look very similar, and I think it's fun.

G: And I think gleam is like, shine. Like, gleaming. Shining. Right? [C: Yeah. Yeah.] Well, what if I shone a light into the knowledge [C: What if?] that I have acquired, and that's how I gleamed it? Yeah. You never know. [C: You never know.] Well, my predictions for next episode or for, like, the show. Well. [laughing] They're gonna divorce. [C: Wow! I wonder how you-] I don't know. I don't know how to predict anything. Why is it that in Season 1, I was like, "Oh my god! And my prediction-" I think it's because I know quite a bit more about Season 2.

C: Yeah. Also, like, your predictions in Season 1 came true, but in like, the least satisfying way ever, so I get if you're like, a little burned out on that.

G: Maybe not predictions and more wishlist. I want to see more Beelzebub next episode. And I know for a fact that it's in 2.06 that their relationship is gonna be revealed, but can we get some Beelzebub in here? Oh! I mean, another thing I said was like, what is the point of getting Aziraphale out of the bookshop? And I was like, "Is it because they need to entrap him somewhere?" Like, they need to get to him and like, he needs to be outside for that? 'Cause they could have ended this episode with Aziraphale coming back and being like, "Oh and Crowley, this is what happened. This is what I found out." But like, no, it had to be like- like, this information needed to be relayed to Crowley no matter how useless it is right now, because, like, perhaps there's not gonna be occasion to relay the information next episode. Who knows? [C: Who knows?] Well, I mean, I am wondering whether Gabriel and Beelzebub has been going on for a while, or it's more of a recent endeavor.

C: What do you mean by a while?

G: Before the Apocalypse. [C: Oh, interesting!] What do I want to happen more? Do I want it to be "It's been so long, it's been so long, maybe we're fireproof," [C laughs] or do I want it to be love at first sight. [overlapping] They already saw each other. Yeah, they already saw each other a lot, probably. Okay, I'm going to bet that the Gabriel and Beelzebub situation is a "We have discovered our connection like, six months ago, and we have run away together to this pub or whatever." But have they been falling in love for fiveever is the question. And I cannot figure out if I want it to be the one or the other.

C: You'll find out, I guess.

G: I will, I suppose.

C: Personal ratings out of 10, whole numbers.

G: 8.

C: Wow. Okay. Um, 6.

G: Brutal! Are you disappointed that I've been liking Season 2 so much?

C: I think that this podcast would get depressing if both of us hated it so much.

G: And what are we but purveyors of podcasts to the gentry? [both laugh]

C: Yeah. Is 6 too harsh? Just know that it's more of a 6.5 than a 6 itself, but it rounds down to me. I guess that’s it for this week’s episode of Rubbish and Probably a Podcast. Next time, we will be talking about Season 2, Episode 4: “The Hitchhiker, featuring the minisode Nazi Zombie Flesheaters.” Ugh. Leave us a rating or a review wherever you get your podcasts.

G: So, follow us on social media! We interact through the accounts set up for our Supernatural commentary podcast, Busty Asian Beauties. So we are on Tumblr at bustyasianbeautiespod.tumblr.com and you can email us at [email protected].

C: Thanks to everyone who’s donated to our Ko-Fi at ko-fi.com/bustyasianbeautiespod! See you guys next time! [both] Bye!

[Garageband "Everyday" plays]

C: Hello! My name is Crystal. Should I do that again?

G: And my name is Grey. Wait, I wanna pull up the podcast guide. [C: Details.] You know, I never know- I never know how to do our intro. [C: Me neither!] And like, the thing is like, every time we do our intro, like, I can feel the both of us scrambling to go to the podcast details [both laughing] because I feel like we arrive in the doc at the same time. Like, I see your cursor in the doc at the same time as I arrive.

[beep]

C: What else is on our Season 3 wishlist? I would like them to kiss again. But honestly, I'm not even holding out hope for that. Neil Gaiman will never give me anything I want, so, so be it.

G: I mean, the alternative to them- maybe not even kissing. Like, maybe getting together for sure.

C: They need to hug.

G: Oh, god, they've never even hugged ever. [C screams]

C: Yeah, yeah. Even Destiel got to hug. [G: Yeah.] Not until Season fucking 8, though, so

G: I mean, I just think if not, like, they need to acknowledge that, right? ‘Cause what I'm afraid of is that Neil Gaiman will just completely ignore it.

C: The breakup? Yes.

G: Yeah, no, because- No, the kiss. Because the thing is like, I mean, I don't know how the entire breakup works. Maybe like, it will be completely- it will be impossible to ignore for Season 3. I don't know. I don't know how it goes. But I am a bit worried because, like, the way Neil Gaiman says it, right? It's like, Season 1 is like, the original story, and then Season 3 is the continuation of that story, and then, this is the bridge. [C: Right.] So like, if they- if him and Terry Pratchett established the Season 3 plot-

C: Well, he loves to lie [both laugh] about what him and Terry Pratchett-

G: That guy's literally lying. [both laughing]

C: Yeah, he loves going on Tumblr and implying that in 2006, the same year that he wrote a blog post where he said that people saying stuff about Aziraphale and Crowley were engaging in quote, “a desperate attempt to make slash canon (which it isn't),” the same year of that, he's claiming that he and Terry Pratchett planned for them to get together. Like, okay. You're hilarious. Good for you. [G laughs]

G: No, but like, if we are to believe this to be the truth, then like- Do you understand what I’m saying? Like, maybe Season 3 would just be like-

C: Not very- Yeah. It won't really address their relationship or like, deal with- yeah, 'cause it's like, I feel like you wouldn't- I mean, you could write a sequel that opens with like, “Aziraphale’s in Heaven after they broke up horribly and also Crowley kissed him,” but like, that's kind of an odd place to start your sequel book, like, [G: Yeah.] after the first book, where, like, the romantic undertones were a lot less pronounced than in Season 1 of your show. So yeah, it does seem like it might be working off of a place that is not the place that Season 2 of the show ends, so yeah. I just want them to hug.

G: But you never know. You never know. Like, Crystal is very pessimistic about Neil Gaiman in general as a person, but you know what? I'm holding out hope. I'm holding out hope.

C: You said we couldn't hate on the Maggie and Nina scene [G laughs] outside of the Maggie and Nina scene, so [laughing] I won't say anything about my beliefs in Neil Gaiman’s writing quality.

G: I just want everyone to know, like, anyone who has ever sent us an ask that may border on being hateful, that I had to goad Crystal to be like, “You need to be nice. Nothing below the-"

C: Not hateful as in hateful to us. Hateful as in mean to Neil Gaiman. [G: No no no, yeah. Mean to Neil Gaiman. I had to be like, "Crystal-"] I’ve been banned from talking about his Patreon separation plus real blog divorce [both laugh], so yeah.

G: Yeah. Well, we need to be nice, you guys! We need to be nice. [C: Do we?] Yes. Just in general as people.

C: He's never gonna listen to this. He’s never gonna listen to this.

G: It's not about that.

C: Well then, what? What is it about?

G: I mean, he definitely- [laughs] I don't know. He's never gonna-

C: Who does it hurt? [laughing] Other people who’ve been through divorces on Patreon? That's a very small subset of people. [both laughing] But yeah. What?

G: No. The thing is, he’s never gonna listen to this podcast, right? So we can say whatever the fuck we want in this one. Like, maybe he'll scroll through the transcript, but he's not gonna find this. Who give a shit? But he can find the asks. Like, those are very easy to read, those are very easy to access. [C: Sure.] So like, you cannot badmouth him in the ask. I feel like that's a bit too rude. That's a bit too inviting him to actually see it. And I don't want him to actually see it, though, is the thing. [C: Fair.] I want him to live his life, [laughing] pretending that he's a good writer. [C laughing]

C: Yeah, yeah. He could really fall apart if that illusion was shattered for him. [G: Yeah.] God, sorry, [laughing] I just remembered an ask where someone sent him an ask that was like, “Oh my god, why? Like, Season 2 was so horrible.” And he responded, “You know, every time I read an ask like this, I have to remind myself that, like, what you really mean isn't that the writing was bad, or you didn't like the acting or the editing or the CGI. [G: What if I mean that, though?] But that it made you feel a lot of emotions, and that's what you mean by that." And it's like, no, no, [laughs] that's not what I mean by that, Neil Gaiman.

G: Well, the only thing I felt, the quantity and quality of emotion I felt in the Nina/Maggie scene is confusion [C laughing], anger at the fact that this is taking up time in my life, [C laughing] outright vitriol over the fact that- What is this? So, yeah. Very varied emotions.

C: Yeah. We failed so badly our task to not let this bleed out into other portions of the episode. But anyway. Anyway. [G: Anyway.] It was so bad, you guys!

[beep]

G: You know, what's so funny is you sent me like, the behind the scenes in this episode right? [C: Yeah.] And there was a portion where, like, David Tennant was telling Michael Sheen about like, "Oh my god, last-"

C: - was wearing the ugliest sweater known to man.

G: Yeah! Oh my god! [C laughing] Who put him- Who told that jurnalist? But also, who put him in that fucking sweater!

C: Yeah, who was like, "Yeah, go on camera wearing that with your ugly plum-ass hair just clashing horribly with it."

G: [laughing] It's so horrible! [C: It's disgusting!] Well, anyway. It's too-

C: If this is just something that David Tennant owns and wears, and it wasn't picked out by a stylist, I'm so sorry, David Tennant. Live your life. Like, you're allowed to wear what you want without caring about the public eye. But if it was chosen by anyone who's a professional, I hope you lost your job. [G laughs]

G: No, the thing is like, if his hair was black, like, this would be a completely reasonable sweater to wear, I feel. Because like-

C: Wait, you would describe his hair as black? His regular hair? David Tennant's regular, definitely brown hair? [G laughs]

G: Listen. [laughs] I mean, [C: Yeah.] is it? Is it brown? Okay, I'm going to look up David Tennant right now, and let us figure out the color of his hair.

C: It's not black.

G: It is, though!

C: What? What are you saying?

G: Yeah, it is brown. [C: Okay.] It is brown. It's so brown it's unreal. [both laughing]

C: It’s incredibly brown. Yeah.

G: Sometimes, I forget that white people, when they have dark hair, it's not just jet black like me. [C: Yeah. Yeah.] Also you know how like, when white people are like, “I have brown eyes.” and you look at their eyes, and it's like, "Okay!" I mean, it is brown, but like, it's so light! Yeah.

C: Yeah. My sister has like, eyes that are like [G: Light eyes.], nearing white people levels of light brown, I think. I don't know where she gets it from.

G: Oh. My grandmother, completely Filipino, ethnically, and also, I don't know, nationally. [C laughs] Her eyes, as she got older, her eyes became like, a little bit green. [C: Huh. Cool.] It's wonderful, really. Yeah. I don't know why.

C: You shouldn't have let me Google Image search David Tennant. I'm just gonna be here for a while. Anyway! So- [laughs] Where were we?

G: Yeah, I am also here.

C: What were we talking about?

G: His ugly-ass sweater. Ohh! We were talking about- [both laughing]

C: About Michael Sheen talking about driving the Bentley.

G: Yeah. And David Tennant was like, "Oh, in Season 1, I complained constantly that the Bentley is so difficult to drive, and now you get to drive it." And Michael Sheen was like, "Oh my god, it's a nightmare to drive." And the whole time, I'm thinking, "Wait. But doesn’t the Bentley, just like, auto-drive?" [laughs] Like, I was conflating the reality of life to the events of Good Omens Season 2, Episode 3.

C: For real. [laughing] Sorry, I'm still looking at David Tennant. What are we talking about? Um. Um. Driving the car-

G: Look at the- Oh, no, let's not look at this photo. Let's just-

C: No, no! Send it! Send it!

G: Let's set this down.

C: [laughing] No, I wanna see it!

G: No, I already exited the tab. [C: No!] It will never be sent to you, ever. [C laughs]

#rubbishpod #transcript

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yukipri · 4 years ago

Text

On the Baratie, Part 5 Epilogue - a One Piece Mermaid AU Text Story

Here’s the final part of the Baratie series!

Includes my personal headcanons for Thatch’s backstory in this AU (and possibly canon, as I doubt we’ll learn much more about him sigh).

WARNINGS (actual warnings this time):

＊Trigger warnings for non-graphic violence, gore, unwilling self-harm, mention of thoughts of suicide, and body horror. Canon-typical dark backstory.

Slight ship warnings for: minor Sanji x Luffy, Thatch x Luffy, hint of bg Sabo x Luffy, but not ship-focused.

Continues off of past parts!

👒🐟On the Baratie, Part 1

👒🐟On the Baratie, Prologue

👒🐟On the Baratie, Part 2

👒🐟On the Baratie, Part 3

👒🐟On the Baratie, Part 4

They've been traveling together for a while now. With more additions to the crew, Sanji's no longer the newest member. They leave East Blue, crossing over to the Grand Line. Their voyage continues onward.

Fitting into his role as the second cook of the ASL Pirates was easier than Sanji could have ever hoped, and he knows it's largely due to Thatch. Thatch, who, for all his incredible skill and titles and history, turns out to be...a remarkably normal person. It takes less than an hour for Sanji's awe over Thatch being his childhood idol to turn into pure indignation when the other cook professes his love for Luffy, and now their daily proposals to Luffy with food are just part of routine on the Merry.

(Sanji still knows his cooking is amateur in comparison to Thatch's, but none of their crew seems to realize, and Luffy eats all their food with equal gusto. Even Thatch himself only ever compliments Sanji, often with ridiculous faux outrage that Sanji's cooking looks better, which is absolutely false, Sanji would know. But even so, the man sounds so genuinely offended that Sanji can't help but appreciate the lengths the older man will go to in order to keep Sanji from feeling inferior.)

It's during a rare moment of calm, when the skies are clear and Deuce and Nami seem relaxed about their progress, when Sanji decides there's never going to be a better time to ask. He finishes washing the last of the pastry plates from the desserts the crew had just finished devouring (his hands momentarily pause on a plate that Ace had to pull out of Luffy's throat when she swallowed it whole along with the pastry, and Sanji allows himself a moment of imagining that the plate with her slobber is somewhat like an indirect kiss...), before he exits the kitchen to go to his locker.

From the locker, buried beneath gravure magazines of buxom ladies whose beauty will never compare to Luffy's, he pulls out a magazine far more valuable to him, the only one of its kind that he'd brought with him from the Baratie.

Back up on the main deck, Sanji finds Thatch sitting by the mast while watching Luffy and Usopp play with some new contraption the latter made. He looks up when he senses Sanji's approach, grimacing when the movement makes the wind blow his now loose hair into his mouth.

"I need a hair tie if Marco's not going to send me my damn hair wax," Thatch complains, even as he pats the ground next to him for Sanji to sit.

"You could always ask our lovely navigator," Sanji grunts as he drops down, careful not to fold the magazine, which Thatch has yet to notice.

"Ah, beautiful Miss Nami might have one, but her hair's pretty short...honestly more likely Deuce'll have one." Thatch sulks, because he'd really rather get a hair tie from a pretty lady, but as it is, Thatch probably has the longest hair on the crew at the moment, followed by their first mate. "If only our ladies had longer hair...ah, my darling Seastar with long hair..."

Sanji lets himself get drawn into imagining their most dazzling Lady Captain leaning against the rail of the Merry, sunlight sparkling off the waves in the background paling in comparison to her radiance. Her face is shadowed by her trademark straw hat, before she raises her head, causing long, silky strands to ripple around her like dark angel wings, glittering threads of black diamond dancing across her cheeks before she tucks them behind her ear with a small smile--

Both cooks sigh dreamily in perfect unison.

"Hey Luffy, they're thinking somethin' pervy about you again!" Usopp shouts in the background.

Both cooks ignore him, likewise in perfect synch.

Thatch regretfully pulls out of his Luffy Vision first. "So, you got something to talk to me about?" He knows it can't be about dinner, because they'd already started prepping for that.

Sanji blinks, and oh, there's Luffy, with her short hair, still just as lovely, probably doing something incredibly stupid and dangerous, but that's okay because Sabo's stepping in, and the Revolutionary may be batshit crazy but he won't let Luffy hurt herself--and right, he wanted to talk to Thatch.

He carefully brings the magazine out in front of him, and Thatch leans over curiously. The pages easily fall open to the column, remembering the page Sanji poured over countless times. Sanji hears Thatch's breath hitch.

"This you?" Sanji asks, looking at the faded photo of the smiling boy, before his eyes flick to Thatch.

The older man's eyes are wide, glued to the page. Sanji wordlessly offers him the magazine, and Thatch slowly takes it, his hands handling the paper carefully as though worried it'll crack.

"Yeah, that's me alright," Thatch murmurs, eyes scanning the column before his lips twist into a wry smile. "How the hell did you get your hands on this fossil?"

"Found it while we were looking for stuff for the Baratie's collection, some old second hand shop," Sanji says, and it's not a lie, but it's not like he can admit he was obsessed with them and actually hunted for them after obtaining the first ones.

Thatch makes a low sound of understanding, before he starts flipping through the rest of the magazine, pages that Sanji honestly doesn't even remember. "I wonder if this magazine's still even going..."

"It is," Sanji informs him. "It's changed a lot, but we still get it delivered."

Thatch laughs then, shaking his head as he closes the magazine and hands it back to Sanji with the same care. "I'm sure it has changed, after what happened, oh man..."

Sanji frowns. So something did happen.

"So how did the kid in this end up a Whitebeard pirate?" he asks, but he means, How did the boy's adventure end?

"Mm, you sure you wanna know? It's not a particularly nice story, though I suppose it has a happy end." Thatch leans back heavily against the mast, his hand subconsciously reaching up to brush hair away from his face, lingering on the deep, if old scar around his left eye. Sanji wonders if it's related.

"If it's something you don't mind sharing. I'm sure I can handle it."

They're interrupted by a crash, and look up to see Sabo heaving Luffy up back over the rail by the end of her tail. She'd clearly almost fallen overboard, again, but is laughing as carefree as ever, even as Usopp wrings his hands apologetically behind them. Sabo doesn't look mad though, and is stroking Luffy's hair now that she's safely back on deck and in his arms, his face disgustingly besotted.

Deuce and Nami come out of the cabin at the noise, and Ace and Zoro startle awake from their respective naps as well. Deuce takes one look at what's going on, and launches into a full blown scolding session for all three of the members involved, clearly dissatisfied with the way Sabo handled it. It had only taken the first mate a few days in his company before Deuce had determined that no matter how sensible Sabo may seem at times, he's still Another Stupid Brother, and therefore gets the same treatment.

The rest of the crew listening in winces when Deuce hurls a, "Luffy being stupid is one thing, but you're WAY too lenient with her, you foolish Revolutionary!" Nami and Koala cheer him on in the background.

("Told you," Ace mouths, before hastily looking away when Deuce's gaze snaps to him.)

Usopp looks thoroughly chastised and sincerely sorry, Sabo looks weirdly pleased as though being told he's lenient is a compliment, and Luffy looks bored and is searching for an escape when her gaze lands on the two cooks.

"Thatch! Story time?!" is all the warning they get, before Luffy's arms grab onto the mast behind them and the mermaid torpedoes head-first into Thatch's chest. It's a testament to the Whitebeard Commander's sturdiness that all he does is grunt at the considerable impact, even as Sanji winces in sympathy. That'll definitely bruise.

"Alright, yeah story time, if anyone wants to hear my boring old past," Thatch agrees, and Luffy cheers, turning herself sideways and flopping down on Thatch's crossed legs to look up at him with eyes sparkling with expectation. Sanji isn't even jealous, because in her new position, Luffy's thrown her tail across Sanji's lap, and he begins reverently rubbing circles into her soft scales, heat creeping up his cheeks when her flukes flick with pleasure.

Deuce sighs, giving up on his scolding as everyone gathers around the cooks. But he doesn't seem too disappointed, and pulls out his notebook as he joins them, as though he intends on recording whatever Thatch's going to say. Ace plops himself down on Thatch's other side, ruffling Luffy's hair distractedly and hiding his curiosity poorly. Sanji gets the feeling that despite knowing him for much longer, Ace hasn't heard much about Thatch's past either.

"Well, so..."

Thatch was born to a middle class family in a relatively active port town on the Grand Line. His parents ran a modest diner, certainly nothing high class, but popular enough among the locals to almost always have full seats.

Thatch was what they called a "child prodigy." He'd started helping in the kitchen simply because he wanted to do the same things as his parents, but by the time he was seven, he'd already surpassed both of them in skill. His parents decided to leave the kitchen to him, while they focussed on management.

With Thatch behind the menu, the restaurant's popularity grew, drawing more traffic. Among their visitors were occasional food critics, who spread their business's reputation and made it something of a cult tourist spot.

When Thatch was nine, his father came up with the idea that it might be good publicity, for people to know that a literal child was behind their now famous restaurant's food. And in the name of said publicity, he also decided to have the restaurant officially under Thatch's name, although is parents still managed it.

"Child prodigy chef owns his own restaurant," was definitely a headline that journalists latched onto. The berries were rolling in.

Thatch himself, he didn't really care about that. He rarely ever left the kitchen now, constantly cooking, constantly coming up with new menu items, constantly training new chefs as their once small family diner expanded into a chain. He didn't really mind it, he loved cooking after all, but he often wished he still had time to talk to patrons, or explore town. While there weren't any child labor laws in their country, he couldn't go to school or make friends or do anything a normal child might otherwise enjoy.

So when the largest, most prominent cooking magazine sent a representative to talk about a potential column centered around him, Thatch was hopeful. He'd always dreamed of leaving the island, and it'd never seemed like an achievable dream. He wanted to exposure to new things to expand his cooking repertoire, and he wanted to be able to challenge himself as a cook--but more than anything, he also just wanted go and see what might be out there, outside of his diner's kitchen.

His parents reluctantly agreed. At this point, Thatch had trained enough experienced cooks, and their reputation was established enough that Thatch's temporary absence wouldn't damage them. And Thatch knew his parents were drawn by the potential for greater publicity from the column, and Thatch (and their restaurant) possibly becoming a household name not just on the Grand Line, but across the world.

(Thatch never thought his parents were bad people, or even bad parents. He hadn't wanted for anything, and they let him pursue and nurture his passion. That they were business-minded, and had also come to see Thatch as an asset and publicity tool was something he understood. They still loved him, in their own way.)

His parents' only condition was that Thatch return in a few years, before he was fifteen. A "child prodigy" becomes less interesting with age, and eventually becomes "a normal adult." They wanted Thatch back before that, to reestablish his connection to their diner, before he inevitably faded out of public interest, or had to re-establish his identity as an adult cook.

And so at eleven years old, what seemed like the entire town saw off Thatch, who set sail on a small ship manned by experienced sailors, and chaperoned by the journalist who would be documenting his voyage.

For the first two years, the journey was everything Thatch had ever wanted. They would go to new islands, information provided to him by the journalist, and then he would be given free reign to do whatever he wanted, so long as it included food and cooking, which is what Thatch would have been drawn to do anyway. That there were always a handful of adults a few paces behind him, documenting everything he did and forcing him to voice his thoughts out loud, all eventually faded into the background. Thatch got used to voicing his inner thoughts for their benefit. It was hardly a chore, and Thatch was having the time of his life.

But all things eventually change. Due to the success of the column, Thatch's journalist was given a promotion, and the last stretch of his journey before Thatch was to return to his home island was assigned to a new journalist. Thatch had always known that their relationship was strictly professional, and was used to changing traveling companions at this point. It felt a bit lonely that the first journalist, the only person who had remained a constant, was leaving...but he understood.

It's just business, after all.

The new journalist replaced the old one, and their journey continued--or at least, it was supposed to.

Child!Thatch, adult Thatch would later think, was remarkably naive and sheltered for all that he was a veteran cook. He was used to having things being laid out in front of him on a neat platter, for the adults in his life to control all aspects of his life, conveniently convincing himself that it's what he wanted anyway. He was used to the adults taking care of all the details, because all Thatch had to do to make everyone happy was cook. He not once doubted those responsible for his life, and blindly trusted that they would keep everything smooth and safe for him.

Because when one day, thirteen-year old Thatch woke up to see red staining the walls of the cabin, and then looked around to find the corpses of everyone else on the ship strewn around him, it took a remarkably long time for him to process that this definitely wasn't what was supposed to happen.

He was disoriented, too numb to even feel panic or put up a fight when the new journalist came in and tied him up to pass him to the pirates who had decimated the crew.

Pirates. It wasn't the Golden Age of Piracy yet, and although the Roger Pirates and other famous names were often whispered about, most sailors didn't expect to personally run into pirates. Thatch had been warned of their existence, but hadn't really thought much on them, as they had seemed irrelevant to his own peaceful civilian adventures.

The pirates and the journalist had a deal, he gathered. The pirates had wanted to get their hands on the famous child prodigy cook, and were willing to pay good money. The journalist had agreed, and had summoned the pirates to their location. Everyone but Thatch and the journalist had been killed to erase witnesses.

Before handing Thatch off to them, the journalist demanded payment first. Thatch remembers wondering why the journalist hadn't demanded anything before agreeing to the deal--it seemed a bad business tactic.

Thatch was standing right next to the journalist when the pirate captain drew his sword. Thatch wasn't scared, because he knew he wouldn't be hurt. He was an asset. And he probably knew what would happen before the journalist did.

He still remembers feeling the whoosh of air as the sword came, the sound of it hitting flesh, the dull thunk, the loosening of the arms gripping the rope that held Thatch bound.

Thatch thought ah, so human heads can be severed just as easily as fish heads.

Thatch didn't put up a fuss, going with the pirates. It was clear he couldn't have stayed on the ransacked ship, because even if he did, he had no way of manning the ship alone, even if he even knew how. And so he wordlessly followed, and continued to do what he'd done his whole life: obey adults.

And at first it wasn't bad. A kitchen was a kitchen, no matter how dirty, and Thatch knew how to please people with food. The pirates seemed overjoyed with Thatch's skill.

But some part of Thatch really wondered if that's all they wanted from him, and that bad feeling manifested itself as reality soon.

Hey brat, the captain said one day, and dumped a sack of ingredients Thatch had never used before into the kitchen. Turn this into something good. We need to get rid of an entire rival crew, and they're gluttons.

Thatch may never have used them before, but he recognized the things in the bag. They were all things he knew to avoid.

The pirate captain was asking him to make poison.

Thatch was a cook. No matter the reasons why people wanted him to cook, no matter who benefited and what money was passed around, and no matter how terrible the conditions--Thatch was alright so long as he could cook. Thatch cooked so that he could make delicious things that would in the end, contribute to nourishing people. He polished his skills to make that experience better, to make his patrons happier, to make himself feel more accomplished as a result.

Poison...that wasn't something that a cook could make.

Thatch, for the first time, spoke back to an adult. He felt that numb feeling again, over any fear.

I'm a cook, I can't make anything that can harm people. Please let me start preparing dinner. Thatch stated it as fact, and to him, it was.

The pirate struck Thatch. It was the first time he'd ever been hit, because as a child prodigy, as an asset, he'd always been too valuable to damage. But now...

You'll make it, or we have no need for you.

Bars were added to the kitchen, making it Thatch's cell. All edible ingredients were confiscated. And every day, the pirates came in with more ingredients, more demands.

Make an aphrodisiac. Make a date rape drug. Make something that'll make someone lose feeling in their limbs. Make something that'll cause loss of senses. Make something that'll cause crazy hallucinations. Make something deadly, but undetectable in water. Make something that can dissolve guts from the inside out. Make something that won't kill, but cause excruciating pain. Make something that WILL kill, but only after several days.

The pirates didn't want a cook. They wanted a master poisons brewer. Which, Thatch was not.

Every time Thatch refused, they beat him. They threatened to cut off his legs, because why would he need them, when all he needed were his hands? They threatened to carve out his eyes, and the captain stabbed a knife close to his left eye to show how serious he was. They left Thatch with running water, but didn't give him anything to eat, other than the deadly, horrible ingredients they'd left inside the kitchen for him to turn into even worse poisons.

Thatch sorted the ingredients by those least harmful, and kept himself alive by reluctantly eating those first, but knew that the longer this continued, the more permanent and fatal the damage those ingredients would cause.

(He tried to come up with ways to use what he had to nullify effects, but he was just a kid, and it was his first time trying to make actual medicine. His experiments were risky, and often failed.)

Thatch didn't know how long he was in there, his sense of time and self muddled as he survived off of numbing agents and aphrodisiacs and hallucinogens. They barely kept him alive, and made him feel horrible. He tried to remember why it was so important he kept eating them, and rationing them like they were valuable.

In the corner of the kitchen was an ever growing pile of bright, beautiful fruits that he knew would cause immediate agonizing death...but they looked so lusciously juicy and ripe, and it was getting harder to remember why he couldn't eat them.

Perhaps it was the hallucinogens, perhaps it was everything wrong with his body that Thatch had unwillingly caused himself by eating, but one day, Thatch realized he was going through the movements of peeling those fruits, chopping them, squeezing the juices and watching with fascination as they sizzled into the bubbling pot he was brewing. He was too entranced by the concoction to even notice that his hands were burning and blistering, or perhaps they were just too numb.

He added spices, adjusted heat, and hummed. It had been too long, since he had cooked.

Except he wasn't cooking, because this wasn't food.

It smelled quite delicious, Thatch thought, mildly impressed with himself. Something tropical and fruity, mellowed by mushrooms and a great many other herbs. And it looked aesthetically pleasing, with its dancing, hypnotic colors. If he hadn't known what had gone into it, he'd consider it presentable to critics as his next seasonal special.

But now that it was done, and ready to be served, Thatch had no clue what to do with it.

He hadn't thought that far (he wasn't thinking at all), and didn't know how to think about the thing he made, when it wasn't edible.

He supposed he could possibly see if it could melt through the bars of his cell, though he wasn't sure where he'd even go if he could escape. The cell didn't have any windows, and Thatch wasn't even sure they were at an island, they could still be on open water. Thatch might be able to throw it on a pirate, as a weapon. But there were dozens of pirates on board, and not nearly enough for all of them.

He could drink it himself. It would be an escape of sorts, he supposed.

It never crossed Thatch's mind to offer the concoction to the pirates, as a creation to be used.

He stood in the kitchen for hours, aimlessly stirring the pot, watching the brew get darker and darker, its magical colors turning into murky brown. Eventually, it became a thick, black tar-like substance that reflected no light, that looked like a void as Thatch stared into it.

A thin gray haze gradually began filling the room, and Thatch was well aware of it. He was already starting to feel noticeably worse than before. He supposed that was one way of giving himself a time limit: he'd either decide what to do with the brew, or succumb to the fumes first.

He distantly heard muted sounds overhead, and he realized the pirates may be fighting someone. It happened once in a while. But it was usually with other pirates, and he doubted it was the marines, and no civilian vessel would dare get close to such an obvious pirate ship. And well, if it was pirates...that's just more of the same, wasn't it?

Thatch eventually heard footsteps approaching the room, and someone coughing as they inhaled the fumes, now dense enough to be a dark smog that made it hard to see his own hands (or maybe that was the effect of the poison in him).

A creak--the cell doors were opening.

Thatch could barely think anymore, but made a split second decision. He didn't know what the consequences would be, but had a hunch he wouldn't survive long enough to find out anyway, so what did it matter.

He picked up the pot, and hurled all of its contents at the approaching figure.

There was a FUCK! and then--

Thatch won't ever forget what happened when that brew hit a human body.

But as he fell, the last of his strength gone, wondering if he should feel horrible or proud that he killed someone on his way out, Thatch saw the room light up, the black haze vanishing into searing, brilliant turquoise flames.

"And so that's how I met Marco!" Thatch says, voice surprisingly chipper, even though Sanji feels like retching.

"You melted him," Ace says flatly, voice a mix of horror and awe.

"Sure did, if he had been anyone else they probably woulda been a puddle of human goo, and even he got halfway there," Thatch agrees, his hands stroking Luffy's hair harder, as they'd been doing all throughout his story telling. "Though lucky me, to have thrown poison at possibly one of the only people in the world with instant self-regeneration and possibly immortality."

"Was he mad? Pineapple bird-man. Melting doesn't sound very fun," Luffy frowns. She'd admittedly fallen asleep for most of the story, but woke up again when Thatch's hands in her hair got more tense, more urgent. She contentedly nuzzles into his thigh, more interested in making sure that Thatch's alright than in his answer, and she purrs when he crooks his fingers to scritch her reassuringly.

"Oh sure, he was mad for a little bit, but he's a nice guy and was a worry-wort even back then, so he brought me to Pops. And well, it took a while, but we're best buddies now and have been for years! Fancy that."

Deuce was shaking his head. "I still can't believe that stupid crew wanted to take down Pops with poison of all things, and were stupid enough to enter his territory without it even being ready."

"Well, it's not like they could have won in direct combat, and to be fair, back then the Four Emperors weren't that established, and territories in the New World were a lot looser than they are now." Thatch shrugged. "If nothing else, it was a creative angle, if a poorly thought out one, unlike some people's way of challenging Pops." Ace fidgets uncomfortably here, and Deuce snorts.

"You..." Sanji's finally recovering from his queasiness, because fuck Thatch's tale really wasn't pretty, especially from a cook's perspective. "You don't mind fighting, and killing people now?" He glances at the swords strapped to Thatch's belt, and thinks about his own insistence to never use his hands in combat.

"Well, I'd prefer not to do it, same as anyone else. But I don't mind fighting in general, and once Pops adopted me, I wanted to be able to defend myself." Thatch laughs here, and it sounds bitter, making Luffy look up. "Haruta actually suggested I use poison, if I knew how to make one that could almost take down the Phoenix, and, well...that's a no. May have thrown him overboard for that, but he deserved it. I told them I was good with knives, and Vista helped me develop my own style."

The conversation moves on then, the other crew members chipping in with questions, but Sanji sort of tunes it all out. He thought he was over his queasiness, but it's back again. Being forced to brew poison, and being offered nothing but harmful things to eat...fuck. Even Judge hadn't done that...

He feels something wrap around him then, and Sanji looks down, and realizes that Luffy's looped her tail so that her flukes curl behind his back, securely holding him, even as she continues to nuzzle Thatch's leg for attention.

How weak he must be, Sanji thinks, to need his captain's comfort now. But it helps, and he gradually relaxes.

Eventually the others realize that the story's over, and disperse back to their usual tasks, leaving Thatch and Sanji and a snoozing Luffy curled around both of their laps.

"Well, I guess that explains how the boy prodigy's journey ended," Sanji says, reaching over to Thatch's side to run his hand through Luffy's hair, smiling when she hums happily.

Thatch makes a soft sound, that sounds like possibly disagreement. "Well, sure, I ended up joining the Whitebeard pirates, and never ended up going back to my hometown. Everyone thought I was dead anyway, and being on the Moby was better than any restaurant for me, because I got to feed my brothers and travel, at least wherever the Moby goes, and that's still a fine adventure in its own way. But I guess you're right in that with a territory and a literal army backing me up...it's not quite the same kind of adventure, without the trill of the unknown."

Thatch looks up then, and when his eyes sweep across their little ship, and the small crew strewn about it, he looks fond. "But I guess in a way, that's what I'm doing now, isn't it? I may no longer be a 'boy prodigy,' but me traveling with you guys, going back up the Grand Line...it's sorta like that journey again."

Sanji blinks.

"The end of that journey...maybe you're on it with me, right now." Thatch winks.

Sanji snorts. "That's so cheesy," he says, but he doesn't meant it, not really, because he can't deny the giddiness that begins welling up in him at the thought.

Because what adult doesn't still have a child inside them, buried underneath layers of years, still craving those wishful dreams from long ago?

There's a moment of silence, before both cooks break out into laughter, carefree and boyish.

And so their journey continues onward.

Aaand that's a wrap! For this lil story series within this ever growing AU at least!

It may be a cheesy ending, but it still feels like an ending of sorts? which, is something I usually never actually manage to write to, everything I write is usually either short or abandoned....so I Feel Accomplished ^ ^;;

If you managed to get through it all, thanks so much for reading and sticking with this!!!! ;A; I’m definitely extremely curious to know if you have any thoughts regarding my take on Thatch's past, or anything else, because as always any comments are HUGELY appreciated!

Thanks again!

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#OnePieceMermaidAU #One Piece Mermaid AU #Thatch #One Piece #Vinsmoke Sanji #text headcanons #longpost #long post #ThatchLu #SanLu #genderbend

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