#( lost in empty pillow talk || adam conversations. )

[wildoceanstarz]

Yap about marauders girls’ friendship for us? As a treat? 🙏

I’m gonna yap so hard (had a busy week so sorry for the late response </3)

This is so fucking long holy shit… I’m also gonna post it separate posts I think so I’ll include them here and if you want the long version not separated it’s gonna be under the cut!

Mary & Lily

Marlene & Mary

Lily & Marlene

Extra Valkyries Headcanons

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【 Mary & Lily: 】

Meeting

For me, Mary and Lily actually meet for the first time at the train station.

Mary’s parents had to drop her off quickly to go take care of some other stuff and she was looking lost, trying to figure out how to get to the platform (not unlike Harry in the first movie).

Lily and Severus had been dropping together by Lily’s parents -who were adamant about walking her off, but she told them to go back as she was shy and didn’t wanna make Petunia more mad at her than she was- and so after a long embrace, Sev and her grabbed a cart and started walking together toward the right wall, as Severus knew the basics since his mom was a wizard.

With her lovely energy and bright smile, Mary accosted them when she noticed the familiars books and such in their cart and asked for directions. Severus could boast about his knowledge of the wizarding world and so the two girls ran after him, half giggling, half anxious, as they walked through a wall.

Upon seeing the train, they said goodbye, Lily knowing Severus wasn’t fond of strangers, and went to sit in different carriages.

(As we know that’s what when Severus and Lily meets James and it is not great, so they end up storming out)

They then looked for an empty carriage and after many full ones, were finally welcomed by a brightly smiling Marry, who invited them in. During the train ride, Severus was mostly silent, not comfortable with strangers, but made an effort to answer when Lily would include him in the conversation. For Mary and Lily, it was instant friendship! They realized they lived quite close by actually, Mary living in the next town, and that they liked most of the same things. Although Mary was more into fashion, and Lily into books, they found a common interest in cooking & baking, as well as in a curiosity for the world, now definitely concentrated on this entire new place.

Once they were sorted, the girls were so happy they were together, and when they got to their dorm, they chose beds next to each other.

The first night was scary for them, and in a weird attempt to comfort, they decided to put their beds next to each other. They did not move those beds for the next 4 years.

Dynamic

They’re very fem4fem. Lily is more a bookworm introvert, Mary more of a life of the party extrovert, but they both have moments where they need the entire world to be quiet.

Lily like to learn through books and research and movies, meanwhile Mary prefer to learn through lived experiences and exploring. If they were to plan a trip, Lily would be the one planning their itinerary to a T and Mary would be more go with the flow. Sometimes Lily forget to calculate how time a normal person takes to walk, eat and all. Mary always make sure the timing is right, even if that means skipping a few of the things planned. After a while, Lily would learn to put gaps and pieces and space between each step, and Mary would make sure Lily can see everything she wanted to see.

During the summer, they would both sleepovers to each other’s places for Weeks at the time. Cooking & baking, enjoying the sun and frolicking around in pretty dresses. They would stay up late and giggle until their parents told them to be quiet, then they would keep talking but under the pillows.

Angst

They end up disagreeing about how to take on the war, and even though they try to stay close, they simply grow very fast into different people. A few months after Harry is born, they end up growing closer again, but never make it to where they were before. Maybe they could have, if Lily didn’t die.

I also really like the idea (saw it on tiktok) that Mary end up fighting with Lily over Severus views when he starts to say his bullshit and they have a time where they’re really cold and distant because of it. Once Lily finally drop Severus, it comes to an end and they manage to go back to how they were very quickly, as they just missed each other so much.

Their song:

They listened to it one hot summer day while laying on the floor in Mary’s room, the radio next to them, and it hold a special place in their heart; bringing them back to this moment. That was the song of their second summer, always trying to find a radio post that would play Danny's Song.

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【 Marlene & Mary: 】

Meeting

They actually meet in the line for the sorting hat, as they came out one after the other, and so ended up sitting next to each other for the meal since people made space for them at the same time. They talked a little and you can see a relationship bubbling, but at that time, Marlene is really struggling with befriending girls and so it doesn’t really goes anywhere.

Their relationship strengthens when they discover they’re roommates, but Marlene is mostly spending time with James and Pete those firsts months of first year and so Lily & Mary really get close and she doesn’t really know how to include herself.

Dynamic

They’re very masc4fem. I think around second year, Marlene develop a little bit of a girl crush on Mary but never really act on it (and doesn’t even realize it really? She just think she’s jealous because she wanna be Mary bestest friend yk) and so it pass without affecting their relationship. Lily and Mary really teach Marlene like, girl friendship. The sleepovers, the giggling and gossiping, judging the boys because they’re immature, etc. Mary especially is the one that really introduce her to makeup and teach her, as she’s learning herself, which make them have some.. interesting looks.

After Mary date Sirius, they love making fun of him for that, because he was an awful boyfriend, and don’t hesitate to bring it up every time they want something (it works sometimes).

Marlene teach Mary how to fly on a broom, and she loves it, but not enough to join the team. They often go for rides on the weekend while Lily is studying. Once Mary manage to get them a mini radio and they figure out a spell to get signal, they attach it to Mary’s broom and spend hours in the sky listening to music and talking about everything.

One night, Marlene was crying about some family issues and Mary just joined her in her bed and gave her a hug before putting on a silencing charm as to not awaken Lily, they didn’t talk that night, but Marlene fell asleep holding onto Mary.

I think Mary develop a little bit of a crush on Marlene once she starts to express herself more. When she dye her hair, Mary start behaving weird but quickly get it together before it fuck over their relationship. There’s always the what if, but once they grow up, they realize they wouldn’t have worked out together and probably would have lost years of friendship along the way, so it is for the best.

Marlene and Mary stays quite close even with the war, as Marlene got a harder time trusting Dumbledore and really doesn’t wanna lose her friend. Mary on her side doesn’t feel as strongly about Marlene joining because she understand that this is fully her world and she can’t leave it behind, so the riff is less intense. When they talk, they don’t really mention the war or the order, but Marlene update Mary on how Lily is going.

Mary was the first person Marlene told when she thought about asking Dorcas to move in together, and Mary had to hype her up so she doesn’t choke and never address it lol

They would often go for tea time, Marlene introducing Mary to the wizard version and she loved it! They tried to go at least once every 2-3 months, even after they left Hogwarts. Marlene loved the cucumber sandwiches, they were her favourite, and Mary hated them, so the other girl always had double the portion because of it.

Mary brings back rollerblade one summer, and she end up teaching Marlene who becomes Obsessed with them. Mary brings her a pair as a gift after winter break, and they start racing each other’s in the corridors. Rollerblade are quickly put on the DO NOT list, by Minerva.

Angst

They don’t have much angst for me. They mostly go through school supporting each other’s. If they disagreed on something they would just not address it, and so other than very minor situations, they didn’t fight at all in the entire time they knew each other’s. Mary was there for Marlene when she was sad about her family, even though she didn’t have much context because Marlene wouldn’t really say why she was crying; and Marlene would support Mary through the rough patch with Lily and the bullying by Mulciber and Barty. The blonde would start hexing people on her behalf after 5-6 year, going to detention with a grin.

Mary was one of the last person Marlene saw before her death, and she was the first person -after the order- that Dorcas called to break the news before the papers can get a hold of the story.

Every few months, Mary would go to Marlene grave with tea and biscuits and sandwiches and eat there while telling her about her last news. She would always leave her a cucumber sandwich.

Their song:

It was literally changing all the time, depending on their vibe and how they felt about each other’s. Every summer and winter break Mary would come back with a new album and they would find their favourite out of it. One of their favourite to sing thought was Mr. Big Stuff because they would always sing it to Sirius lmao

———————————————————————

【 Lily & Marlene: 】

Meeting

They met in their dorms room. At first, they both didn’t reach out to the others, realizing they were way too different, and so most the first year was spent as just them being agreeable roommates.

Lily thought Marlene was kind of overwhelming and also friend with the marauders so she didn’t really have a good opinion of her, and Marlene thought Lily was just a little teacher pet, always in her books and super boring.

Toward the end of first year, Lily stood up against a Slytherin as Marlene was passing by and that made her realize there was maybe more to Lily Evans than she knew. She helped her escape before a teacher could see her and pushing her for hexing a student, and from there on they were on way more friendly terms.

When they came back for second year, Marlene couldn’t sit with James and Peter since the marauders sat together and so as she was looking for another spot, Mary and Lily invited her to sit with them (and Severus). They had a nice train ride back and in the end started the year on a way better note. They grew really closer in the second year.

Dynamic

For me, even though they’re really opposite, they have a lot of similarities. They both have family expectations to reach and a lot of pressure to do good in class, even though they have a very different studying technique. Marlene doesn’t need to revise all that much, but sometimes towards final she would sit with Lily and help her study by talking about the subject with her.

They didn’t really have an academic rivalry, as the subjects Marlene was getting the best scores in were really different from Lily’s; both being more interested in different classes.

They weren’t the closest, but they had an understanding of each other’s that Mary sometimes didn’t fully understand. When one of them would receive a letter from their family, they would often divert the attention of the group so the others can read in piece, or escape to not cry in public.

They never got really emotional with each other’s, mostly venting angrily than getting sad. Lily actually had more context on why Marlene was crying than Mary, even though Mary was the one seeing Marlene cry.

They grew closer when the war happened, both being in the order, but Lily had a deeper belief in Dumbledore than Marlene.

They were each other’s first kiss, but never told anyone and kept the secret to their graves (lol). It just happened one day when they were like 12 and curious and it was the smallest peck ever. It was basically an accident as they fell on the floor and kissed on the way down. They both never talked about it, and acted as if nothing happened.

Lily would always bully Marlene for being friend with James, and she wouldn’t really have anything to say for her defence because James grew super obnoxious after meeting Sirius.

Marlene invited Lily to her house one summer, and the red haired developed a summer crush on her older brother. She would always ask Marlene to talk about him in letters after that and the other girl would always make a show of being disgusted. By the time summer rolled over, Lily had gotten bored and so it ended as that. (She still, however, has the quidditch magazines and posters of him that she bought hiding under her bed, including one that she forced Marlene to ask her brother to sign for her)

Angst

There really don’t really have school angst.

Lily was devastated after Marlene death and was really out of it for a while after that. She’s the one who had to organize the funeral because Dorcas was so out of it. For a week, the black girl lived at their house and they would sleep in the same bed talking about Marlene. After the funeral, Lily never went to the cemetery again.

Their song:

They would sing Jolene ironically to each other’s all the time. The first time they heard the song they thought it was funny because Jolene kind of sounded like Marlene and the auburn hair could be Lily. The moment the song would start playing they were on the dance floor singing to the other. Sometimes they would point at Mary or James, joking that the other was taking them away.

———————————————————————

【 The Valkyries 】

Extra headcanons

☆ Roommates

☆ Thigh knitted group, wouldn’t let a man destroy their relationship.

☆ All equally friends but with completely different dynamics, if you asked them who their best friends was, Mary and Lily would probably say each other’s and Marlene would say Pete. That doesn’t mean that Marlene doesn’t feel included in the trio. Sometimes she jokes that she’s Marylily kids, when they had a big argument, she Really felt like a child of divorce.

☆ They would have sleepover parties every Saturday, because Sunday was the day Lily would take the afternoon off from studying. They would get food from the kitchen and play Mary’s record player. Sometimes they played cards, others than would braid each other’s hair or play with Mary’s makeup.

☆ Sometimes Lily would read them a story and Mary and Marlene would sit and listen entranced. That was when Lily would be fully confident, making different voices, moving her arms, she was spectacular to see. How much life there was in this adorable little red haired girl.

☆ The numbers were off and so they got one of the three person room. The last bed was used as a bazar and the closest was used by Mary who would always bring extra clothes so she could lend them to Lily and Marlene. The bed was full of books and art projects and random class reports (Marlene).

☆ In first year, Mary had asked the house elves to not clean their room because it made her feel weird, and so they would spend the morning of Sunday just cleaning up so the room would have a fresh start for the new week. Lily was the one making sure it would be done, Mary and Marlene would complain, but end up doing it while playing music and talking about the week to come.

☆ Marlene got really into Ancient Greece mythology after Lily brought back a book and would read only the parts about the girls, skipping all the rest. She especially cared for Medusa and Hated Zeus. Mary had little interest but sometimes Lily would told her some story so she wasn’t fully out of the loop. They all became Zeus haters and even made a club as a joke.

☆ After the marauders gave themselves a stupid name, they were all having one of their sleepovers and judging how stupid it sounded. Marlene said she would be way better at naming them if they let her, only to propose the shittiest name known to men. After making fun of her, Mary and Lily also gave it a try. They thought it was kind of fun and the conversation shifted to band names and so the three of them thought about how they would name their band; because, of course, they would be together. After a few fails, Marlene had the best, for the only time in her life, name idea, and said “The Valkyries!!!”. Lily quickly gave a definition of them, and Mary sprung herself from the ground to jump because it was a great name. They never said it to anyone, but secretly they would call themselves the Valkyries.

☆ When Lily discovered Abba one summer, she immediately showed Mary and they spent the summer saving up money to buy records player to bring back for Marlene. She Loved it and it became their music of choice anytime they would organize a party. Their favourite song was Honey, Honey because it was the first one they spent endless afternoons dancing to.

[beepen]

Hello gays and gays only. You may have known me as dicks-out-for-adam :) felt a little nostalgic and wanted to post a little something for the adashi tag. Happy pride and happy summer, here’s two hockey players getting midnight snacks on a road trip.

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“Adam….”

Adam stirred in his sleep, nuzzling further into his pillow. His sore muscles protested his awakening and he couldn’t agree with them more. He wanted to continue sleeping….

“Adam.”

“No….”

Let him sleep. He loved sleeping.

“Adam!”

A poke to his shoulder had him scrambling for his dreams to come back, reaching for them and wanting to cover himself in them like a blanket. But they were already too far away and Adam was already too awake.

He sighed, saddened by his loss. “What?”

“Are you up?”

“No.”

“Do you want Mcdonald’s?”

His stomach immediately reacted at the question, growling, and Adam finally opened his eyes to peer over at Takashi kneeling beside his bed.

“Are you serious?” Adam said, voice cracking from sleep and hissing as he stretched his aching limbs.

“Yeah, I’m serious. Do you want some or not?”

Ignoring his question for the moment, Adam reached for his phone. He squinted at the brightness as he read the time. “Takashi. It’s 12 A.M.”

“I know.”

“Did you even sleep?”

Takashi chose not to answer, instead he rose to his feet, his tall frame now towering over Adam’s horizontal form. Adam noticed even in the dark that he was dressed to go out.

“Can you answer my question, please?” Takashi said, his entire being now starting to radiate impatience.

Adam sighed again and rubbed his eyes, giving his hunger levels a once over. He didn’t really have much time to eat except for a couple bananas and a protein shake after the game. The others went to have dinner together but Adam was beat and set out to his hotel room, where he made a quick change into some shorts and literally sunk into the mattress. His stomach was now beating him up for not having a proper meal. He lost so many calories during the game that his body was in a starving state.

“Well?” Takashi crossed his arms and glared down at him. He was probably hungry too.

“I am hungry….” Adam sat up in the bed, keeping the blankets over his shoulders for warmth. “But I don’t want Mcdonald’s.”

In fact, the idea of it made his stomach recoil a bit. He didn’t mind the fast food usually, but after waking up from a deep sleep? Not ideal.

Takashi was silent for a moment, seemingly thinking. He then pulled out his phone and began typing on it.

“Do you feel like walking?” Takashi asked.

Adam shrugged. A midnight walk didn’t sound awful. He actually enjoyed them if he was in the company of a friend or two.

“There’s a 24/7 convenience store five minutes from here.” Takashi looked up from his phone to stare at him, inquiring. “Do you want me to pick something up for you?”

Adam thought about it. On one side, he wanted to stay in bed. The hotel room was especially cozy, and the city lights outside his window tried to lure him back to sleep. And looking at the streets below, he noticed fresh snowfall. He could stay inside, safe from the cold, and wouldn’t have to get dressed either.

But on the other hand, it was only a five minute walk, and walking in the snow sounded just as inviting as laying in the warmth of his bed. And Takashi would be there with him. That idea alone had Adam craving something similar to companionship, but not quite. He couldn’t quite explain it. Something about walking around in the middle of the night, seeking food with his best friend in a city constantly bustling with college students who were also out on a walk, whether for food as well or from a club…it was like nostalgia, in a way. But Adam could not recall ever doing such a thing in the past. Maybe with family or old friends, but never so late.

“Okay.” Adam made up his mind, stretching one more time before pulling the covers away.

Takashi tilted his head, looking for a clearer answer to his question than the one he was provided with. “Okay, what?”

“Okay, let’s go to the convenience store.”

“You want to come with me?”

“Yeah.”

“Alrighty. Hurry up then. I’m starving.”

In less than five minutes, they were exiting the hotel elevator and made their way outside through the grand lobby. It was quiet, and their footsteps echoed against the smooth tile. The receptionist paid them no mind.

As soon as they stepped outside, it was even quieter. The snow had built a heavy blanket over the sidewalks and parked cars, muffling the sounds of the city. Passing vehicles drove carefully over the salted roads and squelched over gray sludge. Only a few groups of people mingled about, most of whom were inside the many cafes and diners in the area, trying to stay someplace warm for a bit.

And walking beside Adam was Takashi, who made it his duty to talk Adam’s ear off. In the five minutes it took for them to reach the corner store, Takashi was on his tenth topic of conversation, water-vapor blowing from his mouth in short puffs of smoke from the cold. And when the doors slid open for them, his voice lowered into a low mumble to match the volume of the store.

It continued like this as they wandered down all six aisles of the small shop. Their conversation quickly shifted to food as they eyed various snacks and groceries. Shopping while hungry was dangerous, and Adam tried to suppress his urge to buy everything he craved. The team was leaving for a different city tomorrow morning, so the less baggage the better. He just needed something he could eat and dispose of quickly.

He had to constantly remind Takashi of this as well.

“Ha, look.”

Adam turned away from the many versions of Cheez Its to peer over at what Takashi was pointing at. He grimaced. “Sour Patch Kids cereal?”

“Sounds gross right?” Takashi laughed, then paused to stare at the abomination for a moment. “I want it.”

“You’re disgusting.”

It took Adam a few tries to convince the impulsive man that he shouldn’t buy it. Takashi only agreed with him after Adam pointed out that if he bought cereal, he’d have to buy milk, and what was he going to do with the milk tomorrow? Leave it at the hotel? Dump it and waste money? Bring it with him on the bus and risk spoiling it?

“I’ll just eat as much cereal as I can with it and then drink the rest if I have to.”

That resulted in Adam snatching the box from a laughing Takashi and placing it back on the shelf.

After more wandering, they eventually found food suitable for their cravings: Adam decided on a premade buffalo chicken wrap, hot chocolate, and a bag of hot fries, while Takashi settled on a lunchable, chocolate milk, and four Slim Jims. They paid and traveled back to the hotel, eating their snacks on the way.

Adam watched with absolute horror as Takashi opened up each Slim Jim, held them in one hand, and bit into all four in one bite.

“Takashi.”

The barbarian glanced down at him, asking what was up with a mouth full of Slim Jims.

Adam gave him a disappointed look. “Why?”

His only response was a goofy smile.

Upon arriving at their shared hotel room, Takashi’s Slim Jims were gone, Adam’s hot chocolate was warm enough to finally drink from, and his bag of hot fries was half empty, courtesy of both Takashi and himself.

“What lunchable did you get?” Adam asked as Takashi unlocked their door. Pushing it open, Takashi marched inside, singing his answer to Adam’s question with a light voice.

“Pizzaaa~”

“Of course~” Adam sang back.

They convened in Adam’s room with the rest of their food. Well, more like Adam had walked to his room and Takashi simply followed. Adam of course didn’t mind.

They easily melted into their usual comfortable and laid back routine, chatting on the bed as they chowed down. Takashi was very particular in how he set up his mini pizzas; the order absolutely had to be sauce, then cheese, then pepperoni. Adam pointed out that if he placed the pepperonis down before the cheese, he could use them to spread the sauce around evenly. Takashi looked at him as if he was the one who had bit into four Slim Jims all at once.

“Heretic,” Takashi accused him, and when Adam kicked his leg, he threatened to crush him if he did it again. Adam didn’t hesitate—he kicked Takashi again.

Takashi stared at him with a twinkling, impish look in his eyes. “You have until I finish my lunchable to apologize.”

Apparently by ‘crush’ Takashi meant plopping his entire body on top of Adam’s.

Once they finished their food and after Takashi felt Adam was adequately crushed, they settled into a comfortable silence, laying side by side. It wasn’t until Adam whipped out his phone to scroll through social media that Takashi repositioned himself on his side, head on Adam’s shoulder as he watched him scroll mindlessly.

Adam didn’t mind. He trusted Takashi, and if anything weird popped up, he knew Takashi’s socials were probably even weirder. That didn’t stop his commentary though.

“Kinky.”

“Shut up.”

Takashi chuckled, the breathy kind. The type of laugh that was only a puff of air and a soft hum. It brushed against Adam’s skin. His heart felt like it was blooming.

“Do you want to finish that one walkthrough?” Adam whispered, and he mayhaps turned his face a little so his nose could bump against Takashi’s.

Takashi hummed his affirmation, eyelids drooping. His breath once more tickled Adam’s skin.

Knowing they were going to fall asleep, they both decided to discard their jeans. Adam changed into the same shorts he had slept in before while Takashi remained in his boxers, too tired to travel the distance to his room. Adam didn’t want him to anyway. He knew Takashi would probably fall right asleep in his own bed if he left to change, and Adam wasn’t quite ready to give up his companionship just yet. He wanted to stay close, nuzzling his shoulder back underneath Takashi’s head to reclaim their position from before. Takashi happily obliged and let out a sigh so blissful one would think he had found the gates of heaven. Adam tried his best to ignore the way his skin prickled, how his heart felt opened and exposed like a blossoming flower. He swallowed it all down and played the video game walkthrough they started watching together last week.

Ten minutes in and Takashi was sound asleep, warm and comfortable against Adam’s side. Adam wanted to soak himself in that warmth, bury himself in it. Every point of contact between them was set aflame: the head on Adam’s shoulder, the arm resting flush against his, and the knee laying on top of his thigh. It was a loving and furious kind of heat, one that battled against the snowfall outside.

The best sleep awaited Adam, one he had no issue in partaking in. He only wished he could stay awake a little longer to appreciate all that was around him, like the soft mattress, the heavy duvet splayed over his form, the soft light protruding from the window and the now quiet city beneath it. And Takashi, dreaming beside him.

Soon, Adam will be dreaming as well, but before he could submit to the warm embrace of a good night’s rest, he turned his head until it bumped against Takashi’s.

Adam exhaled a final sigh, and drifted off to the lullaby of Takashi’s soft breathing.

[estrel]

Let Me Follow

15x18 coda (again.) dean’s pov, inspired by this post (by @iheardyourprayer​) and this one, and also this song; wc: ~1.2k

For most of the time that Michael is there, Dean is barely paying attention.

He lets Sam do the talking, even though a small voice tells him that it’s selfish, that he should be listening, that it wasn’t fair.

He almost laughed.

A lot of things weren’t fair.

So their conversation had faded into the background. Low hums of voices, like they were being careful, like they were trying not to be too loud. Like they were trying to make the room feel empty.

It felt like that anyway.

A distant anger, far back in a corner of Dean’s mind, wanted to throw a fit because of it. He wanted to raise his voice, kick and throw and beat himself up until there was nothing left of him. But there were too many thoughts fogging up the urge, clouding over it and making it indecipherable amongst everything else that echoed in his mind.

You’re the most caring man on earth. I’m destructive, I’m angry, I’m broken. I know how you see yourself, Dean. I’m furious. For love. For you. The most selfless, loving human being. Why now? Why did you have to say it now? I cared about you. Then why did you leave? Something...I can’t have. That’s not true. It’s in just being. You have me. You changed me. You’ve got it backwards. I love you. You have me. Because of you. I’m saved. Goodbye, Dean. Don’t do this. I love you. Not yet. I love you. You have me. I—

“Dean,” Sam says.

He lifts his gaze.

And everyone who knows you sees it.

No one is looking at him. At least, not directly. Michael’s eyes are fixed somewhere around Dean’s knees. Sam tries, glances at his face every so often behind a bowed head and solemn expression. Jack is staring at the table with his eyebrows creased in thought.

“Uh,” Sam clears his throat. “Michael was saying—”

“Yeah,” Dean interrupts. He doesn’t want to hear about their next doomed-to-fail idea. Their next inevitable let down, their next predictable loss.

He looks at Michael, who surprisingly meets his gaze in return. Everything you have ever done...

“Can I talk to you?” Dean asks. He tries to keep his voice flat, tries to stomp down any semblance of feeling from seeping into his tone. 

The three of them exchange looks, as if the idea strikes things off balance.

“Why—?” Sam starts.

“Alone.” Dean adds firmly. 

Sam looks between him and Michael like it’ll answer his question. There’s silence as they wait for Michael’s call. 

I left. Yeah…you did. You didn’t stop me.

“Yes,” Michael says eventually. He uncrosses his arms, and Dean stands from where he’s leaning against the table to lead them out of the map room.

They don’t go far, just a vacant room down the hall, but Dean makes sure the door is shut behind them before turning to face him.

“I’m sorry,” Michael says. Dean steels his face but nods in a gesture of thanks. He doesn’t really mean it. 

“Well, Adam was right,” is his hollow response. Since when do we get what we deserve? We don’t. He didn’t. 

“You’re going to ask me if there’s a way to get him back.”

Michael says it in a tone that Dean has never heard from him before. It’s careful, calculated, as if he was trying to ease his way into a let down. Dean’s small flicker of hope dies then and there.

“But let me guess,” Dean says, “You can’t.”

He forces himself to watch as Michael shakes his head. He needs to know for certain, he needs to know that he’s done everything he can. Dean turns to leave, a hand on the cold steel door handle.

“It’s not like Purgatory,” Michael explains. “But I…wish I could help you.”

“So do I.” I cared about the whole world because of you.

Dean swallows and closes his eyes. Cas wasn’t the only person they’d lost. There was still everyone else, there was still the rest of the world, even if Dean felt like he’d lost his. 

He hadn’t been listening before. Maybe Michael could at least help them.

“Just…help us save the rest of them.”

Dean glances back up at him. Michael's nodding, brushing past him through the door that's now wide open, heading back to where Sam and Jack are.

Dean should follow.

Instead, he heads in the other direction. Down the hall, past the kitchen, intending to go to his room. Maybe...maybe he’ll be able to breathe better there. But honestly, the entire Bunker just fills him with dread. The air isn’t—isn’t the same anymore. Ever since we met...It’s not even oxygen. Ever since I pulled you out of hell...Or at least, Dean thinks that there’s less oxygen than there is carbon dioxide—Knowing you—and it’s—has changed me—getting harder to breathe.

Dean presses a hand against the wall to balance himself, seeing black shapes obscuring the space in front of him. Because you cared. He’s dizzy, mind swarming behind his eyes, so he feels for the nearest door handle with his other hand and pushes it open, stumbling inside an unknown room that he still can’t see yet. 

I cared. I cared about you.

Dean shuts the door, some of the blots of black subsiding. He’s breathing heavily, gasping for air—air that there seems to be a shortage of. His chest feels tight, so he’s hunching forward, staring at his legs until he forces himself to stand upright again.

Dean looks around. 

He stills.

The bed is made. Sheets folded meticulously, devoid of any wrinkles in the fabric. The pillows, those are smoothed down too. Dean finds himself being pulled towards it, holding his breath the entire time. He can’t breathe this air, he can’t disturb it.

He lets his fingers gently touch the sheets. Presses a palm on the pillow. His eyes trail over to the nightstand. 

It’s seemingly empty, nothing on top except for a lamp that’s turned off. Dean pulls open the drawer, and he feels the tug on his heart with the gesture. 

There’s a few things inside. A worn bible, one that you’d steal from a grimy motel, twenty dollar bills and all. A few papers, scattered, what looks like grocery receipts and thoughts jotted down on the yellow note paper they used on cases sometimes. Dean moves them around gently, sifting through them, fingertips searching for anything different. He pauses when he sees the corner of something, takes the edge of it and removes it from the rest.

His chest feels tight again. So tight that his body is sitting down on the bed before he can decide if it’s a good idea. He stares, brushes a finger carefully over the surface. 

“You didn’t let me stop you,” he says. Breathlessly, with a tremor in his voice that’s straining to hold back what might be a sob.

“I told you—I told you not to. I was—I said I should have stopped you, Cas. So why...”

Cas isn’t looking at him. He’s staring off at something else, hair decorated with the hat Dean had made him wear when they were up in Dodge. 

He didn’t know Cas had kept it. I love you. Of course he had. 

“Why would you go where I can’t follow?”

-

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[tellmealovestory]

At Last

Summary: requested by @manymanyenvelopes so buck and reader are both avengers and they fell in love after being friends, then they confessed, yada yada, but they didn't immediately have sex, when they initially confessed their feelings, just cause that wasn't important. so now they they are getting closer and further in their relationship and have to deal with the awkwardness of finally sleeping together. even though it's what they both really want, I just imagine there being some hesitancy and awkwardness. maybe one or the other is worried about being disappointing, or they just feel so excited that it's overwhelming?

Notes: Once again I am so sorry that this took me forever! Also posted on my ao3.

Warnings: Swearing, smut, angst if you squint, fluff. 

Steady hands. 

You tell Bucky one time that's what he has. Countless missions out on the field, enemies rushing at him, friends and strangers counting on him and you’ve never once seen his hands shake. Not so much as a tremor when he’s stitching you up in poorly lit bathrooms in foreign countries after missions gone wrong. Waking from nightmares, breathing heavily, hands that clench around blankets, but still, not so much as a tremble. A confession of feelings and a slew of awkward first dates, the first time he has his hands beneath your shirt exploring new skin and his hands are still steady. It becomes something you're so use to seeing that when you finally do see his hands shake you’re caught off guard.

Laying beneath him on soft sheets in an apartment that’s too small, but it’s yours and it’s homey you’re mesmerized by the way his hand shakes as he helps you out of your shirt. He murmurs a quiet sorry when he sees you staring, presses a gentle kiss to the corner of your mouth before grabbing the pillow by your head. 

“Buc-,” you start, but it’s all you get out before his mouth is slanting over yours and swallowing down the last two letters of his name. In the dark recesses of your mind you know that you should talk about this, but he makes it so hard to think when his kisses leave your head spinning and your body yearning for more. 

Short nails rake down the back of his neck and he’s groaning into your mouth, the sound sending jolts of need straight to your core. Hitching your leg around his waist to pull him closer you’re left gasping when he breaks the kiss. He gives you enough time to catch your breath and then his mouth is back on yours while the fingertips of his metal hand slowly stroke along your side.

The cool metal is a welcome relief against your heated skin, but you'd be lying if you said it wasn't a little surprising. You can count on one hand the number of times he's used his metal hand on you and though it feels good when it slides further up your side, fingertips brushing along the lace trim fabric of your bra it's still an unusual move from him. Again, you know that you should talk about this, but your mind and body are waging two different wars, torn between talking and giving in to the way that he makes you feel. 

Half lidded eyes and you're letting out breathy little pants of anticipation when he kisses his way across your cheek and down your neck. Head tilting to the side, hands roaming over broad shoulders, one flesh and one metal then down the taut muscles of his back. The little grunts he lets out against the crook of your neck spur you on and his name tumbles from wet and swollen lips in a broken chant when he finds your pulse point. Mouth sucking bruises into your skin, light sheen of sweat covering your face and chest, already so close, but it's not close enough. Weight heavy, hand switching to your other breast, mouth moving down to your throat in open mouth kisses.

Muscles ripple beneath roaming hands, his thigh grinds with a little more force against your core and you feel like you're out to sea adrift in a wave of overwhelming pleasure, but the feeling doesn't last. 

Sliding his hand from your breast to the curve of your back you're sitting up just enough for him to reach the clasp of your bra. What should take him no more than a few seconds after months of practice has him fumbling tonight. Letting out a quiet fuck he follows it up with another sorry and it's enough for the fog in your mind to clear. The last time you saw him like this was the first time your relationship moved to the physical side, but that was months ago. Lowering your leg from around his waist he shifts his position and your knee jabs him in his rib. Even with his super soldier serum you don't miss the way he hisses or the way his metal fingers unintentionally pinch the skin of your back. 

It's a flurry of movement, a chorus of mumbled apologies and quiet reassurances that he's okay, that you're okay, it's you sitting up and swatting his hand away, your fingers rubbing where he pinched you, it's him sitting up on his knees, heat rising to your face and hiding behind your hands. It's silly worries and unfound doubts that flow through your veins and cloud your mind. 

"Think the solution is you shouldn't wear bras anymore,” he quips, but the lightheartedness in his voice doesn’t reach his eyes. Hovering over your body he kisses your forehead before murmuring a soft come on and gently pulling your hands away from your face. 

“You would suggest that.” Hint of a smile on his face and he’s dipping his head down to kiss you, but it’s not the same. Unlike the long, drawn out kisses of earlier that left you panting and needing him, these kisses are chaste, hesitant almost and unlike earlier when his hands were exploring your body he keeps them steady on the pillows by your head as if he’s afraid of touching you.

Frustration bubbles up and it’s impossible to get lost in his kisses. It feels like each of you are going through the motions, minus the usual love and passion that flows through. It’s not anyone’s fault and logically you know that, but you can’t help feeling as if the reason neither of you seem able to cross this last physical line is somehow because of you. 

Mind reeling you barely register the feel of his lips working their way back down your neck in a half hearted attempt to fix this night. 

“Buck?” 

A warm puff of air and you’re squirming beneath him when his tongue circles over the earlier bruise he left you. Pushing  his shoulder he gets the hint, mouth pulling away and he’s staring down at you and licking his lower lip.

“What’s going on?” Your voice comes out softer than you want it to. Arms laying limp at your side, strap of your bra twisted around your shoulder and you don’t miss the subtle way he swallows, Adam’s apple bobbing with the motion or the pastel pink that blooms onto his cheeks in a blink and you’ll miss it moment, but he covers it all with a quick and charming smile.

“Well,” he drawls, lowering his mouth again, but you turn your head to the side and his lips land on your cheek. “I was tryin’ to make out with my beautiful girlfriend.”

Another time his joke and compliment would have your heart soaring and a smile stretched so wide on your face it would hurt. Another time you'd be laughing, telling him compliments will you get you everywhere, Barnes with an exaggerated wink because you know it makes him laugh. Tonight though his words don't land the same.

Lifting your hand to his cheek, stubble scratching at your palm you search the depths of his blue grey eyes for a clue into what’s going on with him. Coming up empty you struggle to find the right set of words.

“I’m serious, Bucky,” you say softly, fingers stroke along the jaw you’re convinced was sculpted by the gods. "It's okay to be nervous. I know this is a big step for us."

"Who says I'm nervous?" He says it with such confidence that you want to believe him desperately, maybe if you didn't know him as well as you do you would. You've been together long enough to know when he's lying, when he's hiding things from you and you shoot him a withering look, one that leaves him blushing again and lets you both know he's full of shit.

"I don't know," you drawl, borrowing a page from his book. Fingers dance along his chin and when he tilts his head into the palm of your hand you again think about how easy it would be to shelve this conversation and kiss him until your lips are swollen and the only thing on each of your minds is the overwhelming pleasure of being together. "Maybe it has something to do with your hand shaking. Or the way you were barely touching me and when you did touch me you treat me like glass or mayb-"

"That's not it." 

You wait a beat for him to elaborate on what it is if he's not nervous, but he stays silent, steely eyes drifting to the headboard. You can practically see the concrete walls going up around him, but you refuse to let him shut you out. Tilting his face back to yours you peck his lips and murmur, "So what is it?"

"It's been awhile." 

A heavy sigh tumbles out and you swear your neighbors in the next apartment over can hear it. He rolls off of you and onto his back, legs spread wide and you want to find humor in the way he's stretched out and filling your bed with the pale pink sheets. Missing the weight of him on you and the way his hot skin kept you warm you shiver. Reaching down to cover yourself with one of your discarded shirts or a blanket his words stop you dead in your tracks. A heaviness laces his voice, your heart sinks into your chest and the sound of sheets rustling fills the space as he sits up, back flush against the pile of pillows you insist on keeping at all times. "What if I'm not any good?"

You swear you're going to get whiplash with how quickly you turn to face him. Creases line his forehead, hands ball into fists at his side, shoulders slumped, mouth tilted downward in a frown and all you can manage is to whisper an Oh, Bucky because how could he ever think that? Without giving it a second thought you climb into his lap. Straddling his waist, legs falling open on either side of his thick thighs you cup his cheeks, tilting his face up so he’s forced to look at you.

A whirlwind of thoughts blow through your mind, your mouth closes and opens and you stare down at the man you love trying to find the words that will appease the doubts coursing through his veins. 

“Why would you even say something like that?” You blurt. It’s not smooth nor is it close to what you want to say, but your outburst has the barest of smiles curling his lips up. 

A lift of his shoulders and you watch the concrete wall fall brick by brick. Neither of you are strangers to the uncomfortable conversations that come with being in a relationship, but that doesn't make them any easier to have. 

"'Cause," he mumbles. "Wanna give you everything you deserve, doll. What if after all this time I can't live up to your expectations?" Casting his eyes downward you tilt his head back up refusing to let him hide away from you no matter how painful the conversation gets. 

"Oh, Bucky," you say again because there aren’t enough words in any language for you to explain how wrong he is. Kissing his forehead you take your time to gather your thoughts. "Is that what tonight has been about with the," you pause, nodding at his hand and gesturing to your bra, "because you could never disappoint me, James Barnes, okay? We both agreed that waiting was the right choice for us and this idea that after all this time you think I'd have expectations for when we do have sex is ridiculous when you know that's not true, silly boy."

Your words aren't having the effect on him you were hoping for so you kiss his forehead again, the tip of his nose and finally his lips. He doesn't kiss you back. Swallowing your disappointment you try again. “I love you, Bucky and even if our first time together is a disaster like that night in the back of Sam’s car I woul-“

“Jesus, doll,” he groans and you can’t help laughing at the way he’s attempting to frown. “Thought we agreed not to talk about that?”

It’s your turn to shrug your shoulders. For a second you stare down at time caught up in the way your mind is replaying that night. “Anyways,” you carry on as if he hadn’t interrupted, “That night wasn’t our finest, but it didn’t matter in the end and you know why?” 

His fingers glide up your side and you take victory in the fact that slowly he’s coming back to you. The tension in his shoulders is loosening, his metal hand uncurling, hint of a sparkle returning to those eyes you love so much. You’re not naive enough to think that one conversation will fix his insecurities, but he’s opening up, relaxing and that’s more than enough for you. 

“Why?”

“Because I was with you and that’s all that matters.“

“That right?”

“Mhm.” 

“Fuck I don’t deserve you, Y/N.” Wrapping his arm around your waist he buries his head in the crook of your neck. Warm breath and your fingers are carding through his hair. Silence settles in around you, but unlike earlier when it was thick with tension this time it’s thick with love and a new understanding. 

“Did you not listen to anything I said, silly boy?” You tease with a sigh and kiss to the top of his head. 

“Hard to concentrate when you’ve got your shirt off.”

“Perv.”

This time when he laughs his eyes are full of glitter and crinkles, the sound bouncing around your room and you swear you’ve never seen or heard anything more beautiful in your life. 

A glance at the alarm clock he bought for you when you kept oversleeping for important meetings tells you it’s still early for New York. “If we get dressed now we can get ice cream at that place you like so much before they close,” you offer. 

“Can think of something better we could do,” he suggests lowly, fingers stroking higher, brushing over the lace side of your bra.

Your breath hitches and your heart jumps at the prospect of his words. It takes all your self control not to jump at his offer. Watching him through half lidded eyes you tease, “Better than ice cream? You sure about that, Barnes?”

“Positive.” 

And suddenly you’re not talking about ice cream anymore. A subtle shift in the air above you changing from thick with love to thick with need, bone deep and hair raising you wonder when it happened. After your reassurances? After he cracked a joke? After your sarcastic retort? It's hard to know, but it's there, electricity in the air crackling above you and along with it a sense of excitement at this next step in your relationship.

He can feel it too. Oceanic eyes turning darker, pink tongue wetting lips, fingers going higher still, dancing along the top of your bra. Metal hand holding steady to your waist when your hips accidentally shift downwards earning you a low groan from him.

“We don’t have to,” you whisper because even though he was joking only moments before his touches are still featherlight. And even though his eyes are growing darker, his length growing harder beneath the shifting of your hips you know he’s still hesitant about this. You want to tell him there’s no rush, but he’s tilting his head up and capturing your lips in a kiss that’s as sweet as cotton candy and as gentle as the very first time he kissed you.

Pillow soft lips and his metal hand is guiding the slow movement of your hips. There’s no rush right now and you like it best like this, all long, drawn out kisses and slow touches, each one seeming to whisper I love you into your skin.

Parting your lips he expertly slips his tongue in. Licking into your mouth you’re whining, fingers curling around his hair when you press yourself closer to him.

Nearly out of breath you’re reluctant to break the toe curling kiss even for a second, but when you do your lips don’t stray far from his. A kiss to the corner of his mouth, breath coming out in pants and your hips are grinding down against his with more force. 

“What if I want to?” He breaths.

Smiling against his mouth you kiss him again. Reaching behind your back and now you're the one with fumbling hands, but if Bucky notices he doesn't say anything. In a different set of circumstances you can multitask like a champ, but he makes it hard to concentrate when he’s deepening the kiss.

A muffled moan, fingers falling from your back and your senses are consumed with the way he tastes like cinnamon and how he smells like your warm vanilla body wash he says he never uses. A plea balances itself on the tip of your tongue and you want to beg him to let you get your bra off, but he’s kissing his way across your burning cheek and down your neck. The previous task at hand forgotten about until he murmurs a cheeky, "Need some help with that?"

Mind thick with a hazy layer of fog, underwear growing damper, pit of your stomach burning with the need to have more of him you prepare to answer, but he drags his mouth down your neck to that one spot that always leaves you a gasping, needing mess. 

"Well?" He prompts, teeth nipping at your sweaty skin and for a moment you can't remember what he’s asking about. Hand resting on his shoulder, nails digging into his flesh you whine. His metal hand drags along the curve of your back, fingers toying with the clasp of your bra and you're trying to break through your lust addled mind enough to remove the stupid thing. For a second you entertain the thought of his earlier solution to just not wear a bra, it'd make it a lot easier to get undressed in situations like these. 

Dragging his nose along the column of your throat you let out pathetic little mewls and gasps as you swat his hand away. "I've got it," you gasp and you hope that you do because your'e not sure how much longer you can handle his teasing touches and tempting kisses. In a flash the garment is unclasped, straps hanging loose on your shoulders and you swear to god your heart is about to burst out of your chest with the gentle way that he slides the thin straps down your arms before tossing it aside. You flashback to the first time that you found yourselves in this position and you marvel at how far you’ve both come. For a second everything is still. His chest glistening with sweat rises and falls, his lips pink and swollen from the long kisses, his eyes as dark as the night sky shift between your own that you know must be just as dark, down to your own swollen lips, to the bruises that he left down to your chest, nipples already hard and begging to be touched. 

"Y/N," he breaths and you swear that your heart really does burst because he says your name like you're the most beautiful thing he's ever seen even though he's seen you shirtless more times than you can count. "Fuck, doll." 

You want to tell him, no, beg him to touch you, to please, please touch you, but you can't get a word in when his hands fall to the back of your thighs and in a quick burst of confidence you haven't seen from him since the night began he rolls you onto your back. A surprise gasp at the new position soon turns into a breathless plea for more when the pads of his thumb brush across your nipples. Reaching out for him your hands land on his biceps, nails digging in, head tilting back into your soft pillows, eyes fluttering shut when he leans down to press a kiss to your jaw. "Keep going, Bucky," you urge breathlessly because even with the brief glimpse of your confident Bucky you know in the featherlight way his thumbs are circling over your nipples that he's still nervous about this next step. "Bucky, please."

"Please what?" he murmurs, the words sounding more sinful than sweet when he presses a quick kiss to your collarbone before dragging his mouth down to the tops of your breasts. Squirming beneath him and panting a light sheen of sweat coats the back of your neck and you can't remember ever being so needy or desperate to have him. Your hands fly to his hair when his mouth envelopes your breast, teeth grazing across your nipple and you're hissing at the hint of a sting, but he soothes it with his tongue. Metal hand massaging your other breast and the contrast between cool and smooth and his warm and wet mouth has you arching your back and yanking on his hair. Cradling the back of his head you pathetically lift your hips up in search of some form of friction. A muffled groan from him and a lazy smile is curling up your lips because you know how much he loves when you tug on his hair. 

"God, Bucky," you gasp and you're amazed you're able to get those two words out. "Feels... oh really good." The next set of words are harder to get out, but you swear when the praises tumble out his cheeks are turning pink and he's working even harder to bring you the most pleasure he can with his mouth. And, oh, how he can bring you to the brink with just his mouth. The thought alone has you panting and threading fingers through his hair and when his mouth pulls away from your breast with a quiet pop you think he must be able to hear how loud your heart is beating when he offers you the sweetest smile, eyes locking on yours as he kisses his way down your stomach. 

Unlike earlier when his hands shook trying to take your bra off this time they’re steady against the zipper and button of your jeans. A tug and he's pulling them off, underwear following close behind and you're left to wonder if he's gaining his confidence back or if more likely this is such a familiar position that it’s second nature to him. 

Skimming his fingers along the inside of your thighs your breath catches in your throat. Staring up at him with a hammering heart and half lidded eyes you're torn between letting him take his time and begging him to touch you. Wetness pools between your thighs and the fire in your belly burns hotter the longer his eyes rake over you. 

"Buc-"

"I know, doll," he croons, but his words do little to ease the desire coursing through you. "Just let me look." A murmur, a whisper of a kiss against your lips, fingertips ghosting higher and he's so close, but again, it's not close enough. "You're so beautiful."

Tips of his fingers spread your slickness around and you’re clawing at his biceps while panting in anticipation. Taking his time he kisses you, teeth nipping at your lower lip, middle finger slipping past wet folds and you're moaning in relief as he's groaning into your open mouth. "So wet for me." A rush of warm breath against your already scorched face and you’re tangling a hand in his hair, hips tilting upward in a silent plea for a little more. He gets the hint, second finger sliding in, lingering kiss to your jaw and he's talking again, but it's hard to focus on the low timbre of his voice when all you can focus on is the slow pull and drag of his fingers against the heat of your core. "That feels good, doesn't it?"

You want to answer him, but when you open your mouth to speak all that comes out is a low pitched whine, but it's enough of an answer for him. Grin stretched wide across his face he kisses your shoulder, pad of his thumb rubbing tight circles over your clit and you're melting into your bedsheets and falling under his spell.

"Bet I can make it feel even better." A kiss to your collarbone and you can't be sure, but you think you respond with a please, the sound becomes muffled around his throaty laugh and the rustling of sheets. "That what you want? For me to make it feel better?" 

Again, you can't answer, but he doesn't press you to and you want to tell him how much you love him for that, but the words are lodged in the back of your throat. Settling himself between your thighs like it’s his home he presses a kiss to the inside of your thigh and you're tossing your head back when the stubble of his beard rubs over your skin. One hand on the back of his head urging him closer and the other is tangled around sheets that are becoming damp with sweat and arousal. Your hips tilt upwards and this time when you part your lips the words do manage to come. 

"B-Bucky..."

Leaning up on elbows your eyes nearly roll back when you catch sight of him between your thighs. Hair a mess, cheeks flushed your favorite shade of pink, fingers still dragging through your folds as his mouth teases your inner thighs you swear to god you've never seen him look more attractive before. His shoulders are fully relaxed, his attention on you and only you and you take pride in the fact that he's slowly gaining his confidence back after the mishaps of earlier. Your heart is working overtime and you swear if he doesn't stop teasing you're going to combust and it's not an exaggeration. Carding your fingers through his hair you encourage him quietly to keep going, but he needs no encouragement when he replaces his fingers with his tongue without warning. 

"Jesus!" You cry, body falling backwards with a flop. "Oh fuck." A string of obscenities follow soon after and you're not sure what you're blurting, all you know is that it feels good. Really good when his tongue delves between your soaking folds and you never want him to stop. Bucking your hips up you clench your eyes shut as his mouth latches onto your clit. 

Moaning against your core the vibrations send your back arching and there’s nothing sexier than knowing he’s getting pleasure from getting you off. 

Grinding his hips into your bed for relief against his straining erection he curls his hand around your thigh, pulling his mouth back enough to press a teasing kiss to your sensitive bud. The fire in your stomach burns hotter when he draws you closer to his mouth, tongue swirling over your sensitive bud leaving you gasping and crying out, “Don’t stop!”

Two fingers slip in, curling in a come hither motion and he takes your clit back into his mouth sucking harshly. Digging his fingers into the soft flesh of your thigh you roughly shove his face closer to your dripping core as you continue to buck your hips up. 

“Jesus, Buck,” you choke, fisting the bedsheets. Your mouth drops open when he adds a third finger, sliding it in deep and hitting that one spot that has you seeing stars behind your eyes. “Shit, yes, right there, god Bucky, right there!” Gasping for breath and with tears threatening to spill at the overwhelming pleasure you know you’re not going to last much longer. 

“I know you’re close, doll,” he rasps and you swear the tone, so reminiscent of his throaty morning voice that you love hearing is enough to push you over. “Let go for me. Show me how good I’m making you feel.”

A warning on the tip of your tongue, but it’s lost to the chants of his name and the endless stream of oh god, Bucky’s. An arch of your back, sweat dripping down your neck, fingers clutching to his hair, hips bucking upwards and the fire in your stomach is a full blown inferno when your release hits you full force. It’s intense and you’re not sure if it’s because of his talented mouth or the earlier conversation that drew you closer to one another. Either way you’re left panting and shoving his head and fingers away when the sensitivity becomes too much and he doesn’t know when to stop.

Moaning he swipes his tongue through your folds one last time, lapping at your release before sitting back on his knees to watch you come down from your high. Release coating his beard and chin, hair sticking up haphazardly, erection straining against his jeans he crawls his way up your body littering your sweaty skin with gentle kisses and nips as he goes.

“That good, huh, sweetheart?” He teases at your blissed out state. A lazy and satisfying smile curves your lips up. Tilting your head you kiss him softly. The taste of you lingers on his plump lips and warm tongue. 

Taking a moment to bask in the afterglow your body thrums with excitement the closer you each get to finally being together. “It’s always good with you,” you whisper in between kisses, adding, "This is going to be good too." Because you can see the tension finding its way back into his shoulders. It’s the last thing you want after what just took place and the confidence he had shown. 

Resting your fingers on the top of his jeans you pause only for a second when you hear his breath hitch. A nod from him and you’re undoing his button, tugging the zipper down and slipping your hand beneath the waistband of his boxers. Hot, thick and throbbing you both moan when your hand wraps around him.

A gentle stroke, a choked moan from him and he's yanking his pants down so quickly you want to tease him about being eager, but he's moaning again, eyes fluttering shut and you're too distracted with seeing him get lost in the pleasure to do much more than pull his boxers down to join his pants around his knees.

"How's that?" You ask, punctuating your words with a gentle squeeze.

Head dropping into the crook of your neck, hot breath panting, hips thrusting into your hand as his metal hand finds purchase amongst your pillows. "Fuck," he grunts, struggling to get the one word out. "Doll... you gotta... fuck, Y/N, you gotta slow down or this is gonna be over soon."

Biting your lip and nodding your head you slow your pace, but keep your hand wrapped around his length as your thumb brushes across his tip.

"Yeah, better," he chokes out. Sucking in a breath he pulls his head away from your neck. "Gotta... hold on." And it's such a contrast from moments ago, gone is your confident Bucky who touched you like a man who knew exactly where to touch you to make you see stars, who knew exactly how to kiss you until you were breathless and dizzy. In his place is the Bucky of earlier, all fumbling hands as he tugs his jeans and boxers from his thighs, kicking them off the bed. He offers you a shy smile, cheeks bursting with pink and you can't help thinking of how the theme of the night has been two steps forward and one step back. 

You'd do anything to help ease his nerves and show him how his darkest thoughts and fears of not being good enough for you are bullshit. Removing your hand from his length you sit up, cringing as you shift over the dampness of your sheets. Keeping your voice quiet you ask, "Do you want me to be on top?" The relief that floods his face before he tries to cover it up has a crack forming in your heart, but your core clenches when he nods his head and you again find yourself in a battle of wills between knowing that you should talk about this and giving into the pleasure that's only moments away.

Limbs tangle together and get caught up in twisted and balled sheets, you bite back a giggle when his toe catches the corner of your sheet and he’s sprawling on his back. It’s easy to forget that he’s a trained assassin when he looks so helpless trying to lay down. Readjusting so his head is propped up against your pillows and his thighs are spread you swallow down the mixture of nerves and excitement pooling in the pit of your stomach. 

Cupping his cheek you kiss him softly, thumb brushing across his jaw you will him to relax as you deepen the kiss. “Ready?”

“For you to do all the work? Yeah.” Cheeky smile and you’re laughing against his mouth and kissing him once more. 

Memories of kneeing him in the ribs are only too fresh in your mind and after coming so far tonight you’re extra careful when you straddle his waist. Wrapping your hand around the base of him you glide his tip through your wet folds. The groans he’s letting out at the barest hint of contact between your bodies has your walls clenching and your mouth watering. His fists clench by his side and his eyes are slamming shut as you slowly lower yourself down taking him inch by inch.

No stranger to the girth or length of him from the countless times you've had him in your hand and mouth it still doesn't prepare you for the near unbearable sting as he stretches you. Hands fly to his chest, nails digging crescent shapes into his skin and you've only sunk halfway down.

"Fuck," he moans, dragging the syllables out. Flesh hand hesitantly moving to your hip, fingers stroking your skin and you can tell it's taking all his self control not to slam his hips upwards. 

Sinking down another couple of inches and you're reminding yourself to breathe and relax, but it's easier said than done. Tearing your eyes away from his you glance down to his chest, red from your nails clawing at him down to where your bodies are connected and he’s disappearing into you. A strangled moan leaves your mouth and you swear you're going to leave his chest torn open and bleeding by the time you finally take all of him. 

Forceful grip on your hip and he’s letting out low grunts that you swear are going to be the death of you. “Y/N,” he chokes out, head slamming back against your pillow. “Sweetheart, fuck you’re tight.”

Breathing heavily you take a second to admire him. The flushed and sweaty cheeks, his parted lips, the half lidded eyes, the whir of his metal hand still clenching and unclenching by his side. The filth that’s spewing from his mouth and the sinful noises he’s making spur you on, lowering yourself down until he‘s fully sheathed inside you. He stretches you in a way no man has before, filling you to the brim and it’s delicious.

“Buck,” you gasp, taking a beat to get used to the fullness.

The pain still lingers when you slowly lift your hips up and lower yourself back down, but the way he moans makes it worth it. "How's that?" You ask again, setting a slow pace as you splay your hands across his broad and sweaty chest.

Skimming his hand along the curve of your hip he grunts. Hesitantly, he thrusts his hips up and the pleasure that shoots through you has you chanting a string of broken yes. 

“You like that?” 

Unable to answer you nod your head frantically and he does it again, the second time feeling even better. “Feels so good, you feel so good. Keep going, god keep going, Buck.” Babbling nonsensical words and tossing your head back you roll your hips against his, nails sinking back into his chest as the pleasure begins to overwhelm you.

Grunting, his metal hand crawls up up your stomach, thumb brushing across nipples. “Y/N,” he moans, eyes slamming shut, “Come on, need you to move those hips a little faster for me, sweetheart.”

His words have your walls fluttering and you pick up the pace with his help. Arching your back you can't believe how good it feels to have him inside of you. Thick and pulsing you feel every vein and ridge bumping against your walls, spurring you on, but even though it feels good you need just a little more. 

“Touch me,” you plead, words drifting out amid the rhythmic creaking bed and  headboard bumping against the wall no doubt annoying your neighbors.

He doesn’t need to be told twice and though his hand doesn’t shake his touch is still featherlight when he slips a hand between your sweating bodies to stroke your clit.

Your thighs begin to burn from the exertion and punishing pace you’ve set, but you push the thought to the back of your mind when Bucky’s thumb circles your clit with more pressure and the fire in your belly stirs hotter. 

“Just like that, Bucky,” you praise, breasts bouncing as you rock your hips faster against his. “I’m so close. Just a little more.”

“Gonna spend the rest of the night buried in you.” Sitting up and wrapping his arm around your waist the quick movement and new position has you crying out. “Fuck we got a lotta missed time to make up for.” 

Bodies slick with sweat and neither of you can keep your hands or mouths off one another. Sloppy kisses and even sloppier thrusts as you each near the end. 

“B-Buck!” you cry out, hands clawing at his shoulders and clutching to his short hair in a desperate bid to hold on to something, to anything.

The fire burns into an inferno and with a strangled cry you’re struggling to keep up the pace enough for him to reach his own release. A flash of white bursts behind your eyes and you’re reduced to nothing more than loose limbs and gasps of his name as you coax him to let go.

“Y/N,” he growls, hips faltering, body growing tense and he’s letting go, teeth sinking into your shoulder he struggles to contain the moans and grunts he’s letting loose.

Without the sounds of your moans and his filthy words, the headboard bumping against the wall and the bed creaking your room is eerily silent save for your ragged breaths. 

Slumping against his chest he’s the first to break through the silence when he lets out a breathless love you, following it up with a kiss to your shoulder where his teeth had been only moments before. Dragging his nose across your collarbone and up your throat you hum at the gentleness that accompanies his movements. 

"I love you too." Whispered words that are second nature spill from your mouth. Another hum, body shifting over his in an attempt to get off, but he's pulling you impossibly closer, muffled whine escaping his lips. Thighs burning, body sticky with sweat and your releases, you know that you need to go to the bathroom, get cleaned up, but when his mouth searches yours out in a drawn out kiss you forget about all of that as he pulls you back under. 

"It was okay?" He breaths, fingertips stroking across your lower back, painting your sweaty skin with words of love and you find it endearing how after everything that's happened he's still uncertain. 

"It was perfect, Buck, you were perfect." Pushing a sweaty lock of hair away from his eyes your lips land on his forehead and you take an extra moment to bask in the way that it feels to be wrapped up in his arms after your first time together. The stress and anxiety that led up to his moment are gone and in their place is a sense of calm and love. "But I really need you to let me go because I have to go to the bathroom," you whine, hips shifting over his as your hands loosen their hold from around his shoulders. The peaceful afterglow is shattered with your laugh and his groan, but you like it best like this, when his guard is down and he's relaxed. 

"Go," he murmurs, stealing another kiss that for a second makes you think about staying like this for another few minutes, but he's loosening his hold, yawn escaping from him and you know if you don't leave now your resolve will crumble and you will spend the rest of the night like this. 

Climbing off his lap you pick up a pile of clothes not caring or knowing who they truly belong to as you head to the bathroom to get cleaned up. Exhaustion nips at your limbs, the emotional turmoil of the night taking its toll on you and by the time you finish cleaning up and head back to your room you're met with the sight of Bucky on his back, sheets pulled to his waist, snoring quietly. You watch him for a minute, the way sleep has come easy to him tonight and you make a mental note to continue the conversation in the morning. Climbing into bed next to him you kiss his cheek, smiling when he doesn't so much as stir before curling into his side and letting sleep overtake you as well.

Tags;

@breakfast-at-kelseys​

[matbarzyy]

Brave [A.B.]

A/N: This is a very self indulgent piece I’m really not sure I should be posting. I’ve had a weird few days and this came out of it. If depression is triggering to you, please don’t read this. It’s basically just Tito picking the reader up on a really bad day. I know I need it sometimes, so as much as I thought I should keep this to myself I figured one of you might need it too.

Word count: 4495

Warnings: severe depression

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“Hi,” Anthony greeted you when you picked up the phone, heading to his car. “How are you?” He asked the question every single time he saw you or got you on the phone, which you used to think was just out of politeness, but he nagged you whenever you dodged answering. He genuinely cared and he made sure to ask everyone he loved how they were doing regularly.

“I’m okay, you?” You hoped the short answer would suffice him, because you didn’t have much energy to elaborate further than that. Your eyes were barely open, but even when they were all you could see was your bedroom ceiling or the mess that you had made of the place.

“Yeah, yeah I’m good,” He sat in the driver’s seat of his car, buckling his seatbelt. “I’m headed to the gym and then I’ll train for a while, do you want me to come over later tonight? Cuddles and a movie?” He made the offer he had never heard you say no to. He hadn’t seen you in a few days and he was dying to hold you and nuzzle his face in your neck to hear you giggle because he was tickling you.

“Oh, um,” You cleared your throat because you felt like your voice was giving up on you. He sounded so excited, but you just couldn’t say yes. There was no way you could make your place look even half decent by tonight, and you didn’t want him to see it (or you) like this.

“Are you crying?” Tito stopped everything he was doing, worrying his lower lip between his teeth at the sudden shift of mood. He should have picked up on it when you barely said anything when you answered the phone.

“No, no I’m fine,” You lied, trying to keep your voice sounding as normal as possible. It was hard with your nose blocked and your chest shaking as loud sobs threatened to fall from your lips soon. “I’m not sure tonight is the best night for plans though, what about tomorrow?” You tried to get the idea out of his head and remake the plans for some other time as fast as possible, you wouldn’t last long on the phone with him without crying.

“Yeah, tomorrow works. Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked again for good measure, a frown settling on his face.

“Of course, don’t worry about me. I’ll talk to you later?” Your cheerfulness sounded fake but you couldn’t bring yourself to give him more than that.

Something didn’t sit right with Anthony. Even after you hung up he replayed your words in his head. You were definitely crying, and he couldn’t just leave you like that, even if you had asked him not to come over tonight. He knew you needed your alone time, but he hadn’t seen you in a few days and if you weren’t okay he didn’t want you to feel lonely. You tended to have a bit of an attitude and you’d have no trouble letting him know he wasn’t wanted if you were busy and didn’t want him over, in which case he’d just go to the gym.

He couldn’t leave you without checking, so he took another turn and found himself on his way to your place. The key to your apartment was attached right next to his so that he’d never lose it, and he was thankful you trusted him to have it. He never used it much, but he couldn’t stand it when you cried (and god forbid he was ever the reason for it, because the first time you two had a fight he apologised so much he ended up crying more than you).

“Hello?” Anthony called out to make himself known as he walked into the apartment and made sure to lock the door behind himself. The living room was messier than you ever let him see it. None of your blankets were folded, and some clothes littered the floor by the couch. Even your shoes were in the way, something he couldn’t understand because you were always so adamant in putting them away as soon as you walked in. “Hey,” He found you the second he stepped into your bedroom, your body curled up under the blankets.

“What are you doing here?” You had heard him unlock the door and tried to pull yourself together, but your hair was still a mess and you couldn’t get yourself out of bed fast enough anyway.

“You didn’t sound okay on the phone,” He glanced towards the window for a second. The curtains weren’t letting much light in, and your room smelled a little stuffy, like you hadn’t opened the window or even your door all day.

“But… I thought you said you were going to the gym and that you wanted to train?” You tried to adjust the covers on your bed, but even the sweater you were wearing was twisted around your body. Tito could see you were a mess and it made you feel even worse. You had been so good at hiding it up until now, he had never seen you like this.

“The gym will be there for me to go to tomorrow, you need me right now and you’re always going to be my priority,” He took in everything around him. Some more clothes were scattered over the floor, an empty glass of water was sitting on the nightstand with a cereal bar wrapper, and more of those could be found on your carpet. It wasn’t hard to guess you hadn’t moved for hours, or even the whole day.

“I’m okay,” You swallowed heavily, a guilty feeling taking over the pit of your stomach. You didn’t like it when guests came in and you didn’t have time to clean, you needed the place to be spotless so that they couldn’t judge how lazy you were.

“Don’t lie to me,” His voice was soft as he crouched by the bed, ignoring everything around him to focus on your first. “I can tell you’ve been crying,” He went to cup your cheek, and you let him for a second before turning your face back into your pillow.

Your body shook with a silent sob while his hand fell off. He felt so helpless, watching you like this without knowing how to help you. Seeing you cry always hurt him, but the way you were right now shattered his heart. He didn’t really know what was wrong, and he had no clue of when you had started feeling bad enough for you to end up like this.

“It’ll be okay,” He settled for whispering soothing words, not sure if touching you would help or make it worse. He knew from a few texts and conversations that you had days like these, but he had never been there to help you through them. You had definitely downplayed it whenever you told him about it. “Baby, please look at me,”

“I’m sorry,” Your voice came out broken and quiet as you slowly turned your head, red swollen eyes staring into his bright blue ones.

“Don’t apologise,” He settled for taking your hand in his and rubbing the back of it gently with his thumb. “You don’t have to, I just want to help, okay?”

“I’m tired,” You whispered, your whole body so slumped you couldn’t even move your hand in his.

“Did you eat today?” He asked, and the shrug you gave him (which was so small he wouldn’t have noticed it if he weren’t so attentive) was enough of an answer.

“Kind of,” You didn’t want him to know you hadn’t touched food in hours. You didn’t want any.

“If I made you a sandwich right now, would you eat it?” He checked hopefully, you usually loved his grilled cheese, and you often praised him because he always managed to make a sandwich taste good no matter what was left in your fridge. He tried not to sigh in defeat when you shook your head, doing his best to keep his mood up for you. “Okay,” He pushed himself back to his feet, his hand falling from yours as he went for the door.

Your brain screamed at you that this was it. Tito was a patient man but there was only so much he could take when you were emotionally unavailable. You couldn’t even hold a simple conversation. You ruined it. You were worthless, and now that Anthony was seeing it too he was about to leave you.

“Please don’t leave me,” You croaked out, weakly reaching after him in a moment of panic.

“What are you talking about?” He turned around and grasped your hand in his. “I’m never going to leave you,” He fell back to his knees by your side, reaching over to hug you. “I promise, I’m always going to be there for you,”

“I don’t want to be alone,” You rested your forehead against his shoulder, unable to bring yourself to wrap your arms around him.

“I’m here baby, I’m right here with you,” Anthony brushed your hair back and kept saying reassuring words to you, repeating them until he was sure you wouldn’t be able to doubt how much he meant them. “I’m not leaving, I love you.”

He slid into the bed with you, kicking his socks off his feet before pulling you against his chest tightly. His shirt was wet with your tears, and he clenched his jaw to hold back his own every time your sobs made your body jolt against his. He could never leave you. He couldn’t even bring himself to consider it for a second. He was more in love with you than he ever thought he would be and he knew he’d be by your side through absolutely anything.

You had been there for him on countless nights after games the team lost, or games where he beat himself up for not playing well enough because they scraped the win and if he didn’t mess up this or that earlier in the game everything would have been fine. You always lifted his mood, you pulled him out of his thoughts and he couldn’t help how much he smiled whenever you were with him.

He couldn’t express how much he wished he could put a smile back on your face right this second, but this wasn’t just disappointment over a game or a project. It was a deep rooted issues and an accumulation of stress he couldn’t even imagine himself dealing with. It was no wonder you had to crash at some point, but he wished he had caught onto the signs earlier to help you before you hit rock bottom.

“Is it okay if I get up for a minute?” He eventually murmured.

You had stopped crying, and your breathing was steady. You had even gone as far as placing a small kiss on his chest where your face was tucked.

“Yeah, yeah of course,” You let him pull away, coughing a little to clear your throat. You felt pathetic for keeping him there for so long just because you were too insecure to let him get to the living room without crying about him leaving you.

“I’ll be right back,” He promised as he rolled out of the bed.

When he walked back into your room, he was holding a bottle of your favorite smoothie. You liked to make them yourself, but when you couldn’t this was always your go to. Tito picked it up before coming in hope it would cheer you up a little if you were having a bad day. Now that he saw you were doing much worse than he had imagined, he hoped it would at least motivate you to put something in your stomach.

“I stopped by the store on my way here,” He explained to you when he noticed your questioning eyes. “Drink it for me?”

You pushed yourself to sit up, your stomach in knots. You weren’t hungry, but you could try for him. You took the open bottle from his hands and forced yourself to take a few sips. He sat on the edge of the bed, waiting and hoping the sugar would make you feel a little better, at least physically.

You handed him the bottle back soon after, most of the smoothie left untouched. He was about to say something, ask you to drink a little bit more, but you beat him to it.

“I’m really not hungry,” You gathered your pillow to your chest, slowly sliding back into the bed.

“That’s okay,” Anthony didn’t want to make you feel like you couldn’t make your own decisions. He didn’t know what you needed, he was just guessing. “Is there anything I can do?” He eventually asked.

“I don’t know why I feel like this,” You were exhausted physically and mentally, and even just speaking to him was draining in that moment. You only wanted to lay in your bed and cry until the pain stopped.

“You don’t have to explain,” He got comfortable on the bed too, sitting with his back against the headboard. “You’ll get through it, and I’ll be there for you in any way I can,”

“Thank you for coming over,” You crawled over to put your pillow in his lap and rest your head there.

“Always,” He placed his lips on your forehead and closed his eyes. “Do you want to just lay in bed for a while?”

“I don’t want to do anything,” You whispered, feeling him pull the covers tighter on your shoulders. “But then I think too much,”

“Okay, we can put some music on?” He tried to find a way to distract you from your thoughts. “Or I can read to you for a while,” Books on the shelves about your desk caught his attention. You had mentioned you couldn’t find time to read lately, and he wondered if you’d be up for it now.

“What book?” You turned your head to look up at him. It wasn’t much, but the small gleam in your eyes told him he took a step in the right direction.

“You can pick, or I’ll just grab anything that sounds good,” He suggested, leaving it open for you, and you lifted your head as you answered.

“I don’t mind any,” You let him slide out of the bed and quickly inspect the covers to make a choice.

A few seconds later he had resumed his original position and his knuckles gently ran over your cheek while his voice filled the room. He liked to think he was a decent reader. He wasn’t the best out there, but he didn’t really stammer on words and he kept a good rhythm to keep you interested in what he was saying.

What he didn’t know was that you couldn’t focus enough on the words to understand anything he said anyway. You didn’t mind, there was no need for you to understand, this was just filling the silence and the fact that he was there, taking care of you and reading to you, made your heart swell. You were terrified he’d leave, that he’d see how much of a mess you were and tell you he didn’t want to deal with that, yet here he was.

He spent ages repeating that he loved you to reassure you, he made sure you ate something, and he tried his best to ease your mind. You felt numb all over, everything was bland around you, but the one thing you still knew was that you were in love with Anthony. You could doubt how much you cared about your job, or even your own self. You could doubt your friendships and some family relationships, but you couldn’t doubt that you adored the man currently sitting on your bed, and you couldn’t doubt that he cared about you too.

He didn’t stop reading until he was absolutely sure you were asleep. His voice felt a little hoarse by that point, and he closed the book to place it on your nightstand, making sure not to wake you as he grabbed his phone.

.

“What are you doing?” You blinked your eyes open when you heard him move around your room. The bed was cold apart from where you were laying, so you knew he must have been up for a while.

“I’m just cleaning a little,” He put the shirt he was holding over the back of your chair.

“I can do it, I’m sorry it’s such a mess,” You sat up, immediately worrying about the state of your apartment. You knew it was a wreck, and you hated that he had to deal with it.

“No, no baby,” He shook his head and came to sit on the edge of the bed. “The kitchen, living room and bathroom are all tidy. I’m just going to fold your clothes and pick up whatever else is on the floor right now, and then I’ll hoover, okay?”

He wasn’t sure of what to do to help, but after a few minutes of research on his phone as you slept, he found a post saying cleaning your room for you or cooking would be a good idea. Since he was awful in the kitchen he settled for cleaning the entire apartment.

“You don’t have to do that, let me help you,” You protested, feeling lazy and useless while he did everything for you. It wasn’t fair to him. Your heart rate picked up, but Tito was quick to soothe you.

“If you want to get out of bed and do something, that’s great, but we’ll go for a walk or something, leave that up to me, please,” He kissed the top of your head. “I’m just hoping you’ll feel a little better once you don’t have to worry about taking care of your place,”

Tears welled up in your eyes from his words. Your forehead fell to his shoulder as you shut them tightly, trying to get control back over your body.

“Fuck,” You choked out, your chest shaking with a sob again.

All you did was cry today. Tito didn’t feel as panicked this time, slowly understanding how you were dealing with everything. You were just overwhelmed, and while hated to see you cry he knew that it was because he made you feel cared for.

“You’re going to have to start your own water bottle company soon with all those tears,” He tentatively cracked a joke.

He wasn’t sure if the sound that followed was just a louder sob or a real chuckle, but he took it as a good sign when you wrapped your arms around his torso and squeezed him against you. It was better than the apathy you had shown when he held you earlier, so he returned the embrace and kissed your temple.

“Everything is going to be okay, I promise,” He whispered soothingly when you pulled away, giving him a small nod while you rubbed the tears off your cheeks.

“I feel all gross,” You adjusted your sweater and sniffled. Your eyes were swollen from you trying to dry your tears when they wouldn’t stop falling, and you desperately needed to splash fresh water on your face.

“Do you want to take a shower or bath?” Tito asked you so that he could get the water running and make sure it was warm for when you got in.

“Shower,” You didn’t hesitate. You’d feel sluggish in a bath, it would make you more tired.

“Want me to come with and wash your hair?” He was almost sure you would, but he asked just to make sure. You weren’t the way you usually were, so you might have changed your mind.

“Yes please,” You nodded, taking his hand as you followed him to your bathroom.

Like he had said, everything was tidy. A new small towel was hanging by the sink, and all the other clean ones were neatly folded and organised underneath it. You picked up the faint smell of your cleaning products that he used to wipe every surface and make everything shiny. He really went all the way, and you could only guess he did the same thing in the kitchen.

You stripped while he started the water, his clothes on the floor next to yours. You still felt self conscious of your state, but in months of relationship Tito had done nothing but love every inch of your body, so you didn’t overthink it as you stepped into the shower after him.

“I don’t always understand how you feel, but I know it’s hard for you,” He gave your hand a squeeze as you made it under the stream of water. “I don’t want you to feel like I’m babying you, but it’s okay if you can’t bring yourself to do anything right now, I’ll take care of you,”

“I need that,” You nodded, resting your forehead on his chest as you let your hair get wet. It was hard to admit it to yourself, and even harder to say out loud. You thought you’d break down and cry again for a moment, but it seemed that all the tears had left your body already.

“I’ll help with absolutely anything you need me to,” Tito promised and adjusted the temperature to something a little bit hotter. “Let’s sit down, yeah?” He let you go first and then took his place behind you, shampoo and shower gel right by him. “Tilt your head back,” He asked as he poured the product into his hand.

You relaxed a little as he massaged your scalp, helping you disconnect from the rest of the world for a minute or two. The scent of soap slowly replaced the stuffy and slightly sweaty smell you had been living in for the past two days. You were still a mess of a person, but you could at least consider yourself half presentable after that.

How you felt on the inside almost always sucked, but you tried your hardest to keep up with appearances. It wasn’t even so that other people wouldn’t know, it was only for yourself, so that you could look in the mirror and think you were doing okay. It made it easier to convince yourself things were fine.

You didn’t spend too much time in the shower once Tito was done helping you wash your hair and body. He even got a smile out of you when his hands accidentally tickled your waist, and he beamed in response.

His smile lit your whole world up.

You held your towel tight around you when you got out, letting Tito get back to your room first. He came back in shorts he kept in your closet and one of the t-shirts you had stolen from him.

“Here,” Anthony handed you another one of his t-shirts (you had quite the collection) and some comfortable underwear he had picked out for you.

He was glad to find you brushing your hair and patting it with a towel as you stood in front of your mirror a few minutes later. At least you weren’t in bed anymore, and his heart soared when you gave him a small smile as you caught him staring at your reflection.

Instead of standing there like a moron, he decided to make himself useful and started pulling the sheets off your bed, piling them on the floor. You handed him some fresh ones from your closet as a replacement, your hair in a wet messy bun at the back of your head while you helped him adjust the fitted sheet over the mattress. You sat and began shoving your pillow into a pillowcase, and Tito didn’t argue with you helping him this time. He took the dirty laundry to your washing machine to make sure that by the time he left for practice tomorrow morning the apartment was spotless and you didn’t have to do a thing besides take care of yourself.

You made your bed and resisted the urge to get right back in it now that it smelled so lovely. You had to fight with yourself to get out of your room, so you opted for crashing on the couch in the living room instead. All of your blankets were neatly piled and you could see the plant on your coffee table had been watered. The dirty plates had been taken away to the kitchen, and everything was in place.

“I’m going to order some food,” Tito came to sit next to you a few minutes later. He handed you his phone as he added, “Pick anything you want.”

“I’m not that hungry,” You scrolled aimlessly, looking up at him because you didn’t want to have to get anything.

“Pick.” He gave you a stern look that left no room for discussion. “I’m not going to make you eat it all, but I’m not letting you go to sleep on a empty stomach tonight,” He had a feeling you had done it the previous night already, and it wasn’t going to happen again on his watch.

You eventually settled for a burger and decided you could just pick at the chips. Tito seemed satisfied with what you added to the cart and picked his own food before also ordering ice cream. It was one of your favorite flavours, so even if you didn’t want it tonight he was sure you’d be happy to have it in your freezer one of these days.

“Cuddles and a movie?” The corners of your lips lifted slightly as you suggested the plans he had been wanting to make with you for tonight.

“Sure,” He chuckled, grabbing the remote and turning the TV on. “Anything you want to watch?”

“Just want to cuddle,”

“Okay,” He opened Netflix and clicked on Brooklyn nine-nine to pick it up wherever you had left it last time. It was unarguably one of the best shows out there according to both of you, so it would be good to watch it again and he also wouldn’t mind if he missed bits and pieces of it.

Tito leaned back on the couch and spread his legs, patting his body to invite you to lay on him.

“Thank you for being patient,” You whispered as you settled yourself on his chest. “I love you,”

“I love you more than you’ll ever know.” Tito rested a hand on your back and slowly traced lines up and down your spine. Tonight was all about taking care of you and he knew you loved it when he did that, so he’d do it until his arm cramped up if he had to. He even let your hair soak his shirt without a complaint despite how much he always hated the feeling. “Whatever’s going on with you, I’ll be there to help you through it, always.”

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Please reblog and share some thoughts <3

Also wanted to add a little note here:

I know this made it look like the reader is quite dependent on Tito, and that’s always pretty toxic in a relationship. I didn’t mean to make it look like that, but I also don’t feel like rewriting the fic differently. I feel like that on some days, and while I can pull myself out of it alone (mostly because I have to) I know there’s some things that could help me. Cleaning my room feels impossible right now and if someone did that right now it would ease my mind a lot, so that’s why I pictured things that way in the fic.

[sweetkyu]

blue | sunwoo

genre: angst, fluff.

warnings: swearing, mentions of alcohol.

word count: 3.7k

n/a: i was inspired by some of jaden's songs to write this fic, this is the first time i post something so be kind hehe

i lost the count of how long i was standing in the middle of my living room, watching the rain fall down through the balcony door, holding onto my cup of chamomile tea with both hands. my mind had already given all the laps around the world as i just stood there. eyes locked to the world outside. empty head, no thoughts. nothing but kim sunwoo breaking into tears when i decided to end our relationship, three months ago. every day has been painful and sorrowful like this, since then. of course sometimes i can manage to just take a deep breath and try to live a day without thinking too much about it. today is the worst day until now because it's the day we would complete five years of dating, that is if we were together. to celebrate it, we had plans of traveling to norway to see the northern lights, a dream we dreamed together since we were kids.

i met kim sunwoo way before he became the boyz' main rapper sunwoo. i could never think that i would be this crazy in love with him when we met, but we don't know nothing about fate, i guess. and me and sunwoo, we were destined to be together, made for each other just like adam and eve. we have so much in common, we share the same dreams, we want to achieve the same things. our moms were university best friends, we didn't have much contact as kids, until the day our mothers decided to put us on the same school to study together... but why would they do that? nobody ever thought we were going to fall in love with each other, but when it happened, to our families it was just perfect. however, ten years after the first day in school together and here we are, here i am completely devastated and drowned in regret, chasing for sunwoo in every place. i thought i would be strong after all these years of relationship, after all the silly fights and misunderstandings i thought i would be able to ignore everything and stay by him, for him. and still i didn't.

his fans knew everything about us, since we started dating before he debuted. i was always there, at all concerts, fanmeetings, music shows. whenever i had the time, i was there in the backstage. deobis were mostly okay with us being together, some of them had social media accounts dedicated for us, i would see everything... and by everything, i mean literally. especially the fans who would hate me and send me messages saying that they wanted me dead, that sunwoo would be better off without me and so much more. that was when i became weak and started to believe in them. that was when my life became a mess in all areas, i was going through a major crisis in my job, my father was sick, some close friends stopped talking to me for no reason at all and sunwoo was on a one-month tour in japan. i was feeling lost, lonely, and i had to do something.

it was raining just like today on that night. i was preparing another cup of tea for me, my third round that day, when he got into the apartment. sunwoo was happy that he was finally home, he would tell stories about the tour and i would just pretend i was listening to them. he could notice something was off and asked me about it. in a whisper i replied him, "i wanna break up". it got silent for long and hard seconds, until i collected courage enough to look at him. the most painful thing i've ever seen, little did i know that scene would be tattoed in my mind for months. beautiful round eyes that i adore so much locking the tears so they wouldn't fall down, he nibbled at his bottom lip before asking "are you serious?" and i took a deep breath before nodding my head as a yes. sunwoo, then, began with the questions, demanding to know where all of that came from considering that we were so happy together. i was rude in my answers, saying that i was tired of the relationship and that i needed some time for myself. moments later and sunwoo went out, slamming the door behind him after i claimed that was the end. 

i've been living under this nightmare ever since, hating myself more every second because i was the one who put myself under this situation, who put sunwoo under this situation. for the past six months i had to just watch sunwoo through his work and social media, and sometimes i would know two or three things about him through chanhee, his fellow groupmate and best friend. chanhee was the only one who knew the truth about the break up and i made him swear he wouldn't tell no one, especially sunwoo, and so he did. in exchange, three months after, chanhee let me know about a mixtape sunwoo would release, mixtape which came out earlier today at midnight. i was kinda excited about this, it is his first solo work and i know how much he wanted to create something with his own touch, his own feeling. the mixtape is called 'blue' and it has only four songs, each named with every letter of the word blue. the songs tell a story on their own, so they make better sense if listened in order and all at once. in the lyrics, he talks about everything he had won as an artist and all that he lost because of that, all in a confused mix of feelings, sometimes full of anger and other times he would sound calm, and it's pretty clear that he is talking about me when he mentions a girl. since his group is now one of the most popular boy groups in korea, it didn't take long for his so waited mixtape to reach #1 in all digital platforms. i was so happy for him and so proud of his work, i even typed a text to send him but i just couldn't press the send button. instead, i expressed my happiness to chanhee, who was extremely comprehensive like always. 

as expected, i spent the entire day of today listening to this goddamn mixtape. every time i would hear his painful words it was like someone was putting a knife into my heart and, oh god, why did i brought so much suffering into this boy's life? this question kept on hammering my head the entire day until i decided i wouldn't listen to it anymore. i finished my shift at work without listening to any music, the background sound would be enough to make me company. i got into the subway with my coworkers just like any other day, they would say something about going out since it was friday and i would pretend i had some other important thing to do. and now, looking at all this rain that is falling outside, i think it was the best i could have done. i look at the clock ticking on the wall and although it's not even 10pm i decide to call it a day. i turn off the tv, let the empty mug by the kitchen sink and drag myself to the bedroom, laying down on my bed, getting comfortable around my pillows and under my fluffy blanket, letting the sleep take full control of my body.

it's still dark outside when i finally managed to free myself from the dream i was having. a dream where everything was fine and i could be found inside sunwoo's loving arms again, feeling his heart beat against mine, smelling his scent, hearing his sweet nothings being whispered at me. but then, so sudden, i looked deep into his eyes and recalled that it was only a dream. i would cry so hard while he would just look at me with a smile on his face. it's been a while since i had dreams like this one. i woke up with tears falling from my eyes, body shaking from head to toes. it took me a while to calm down, when i finally did i decide to have a glass of cold water. after going to the kitchen to drink it, i find my forgotten cellphone onto the dinner table. once i unlock it, i find some unread messages from chanhee.

[00:14] choi chanhee: y/n, i'm sorry but i think it's better for me to tell you

[00:14] choi chanhee: we were at a bar, sunwoo was drunk and started talking about you, saying he had to see you and he left

[00:15] choi chanhee: anyways he is going to your place, we couldn't stop him i'm sorry

[00:15] choi chanhee: call any of us if he acts weird okay? he seems to be out of himself this days... 

i let out a heavy sigh after seeing the messages were sent forty minutes ago, he will be here any time soon. to see sunwoo right now is what i want the most, surely, without any doubts. i miss him with everything that i have. but at the same time i don't feel ready enough for this, i'm not in my best moment, i don't know how i will react when i look at him; once it will be our first encounter after everything that happened between us. without noticing, i start pacing back and forth in my living room, feeling confused and nervous, anxiety growing inside me one more time that night and i feel my legs losing their strength, i sit by the couch as i try to take deep breaths in order to calm myself down again. this can't be happening, this can't be happening, this-- my thoughts are interrupted by the doorbell, followed by knocks on the door. i don't know how but i manage to get up and walk to the door with my jelly-like legs. i don't need to check before opening it. just like i had dreamed moments ago, sunwoo is right in front of me. dark circles around his beautiful eyes, the tip of the nose a bit red and he smells like he has been drinking and smoking for the past few hours. he is wearing black hoodies, black pants and black converse. all black, just the way he likes. i'm still giving no reactions, blinking at the sight of him, hoping for this to be another dream.

"hi" it’s all i can say.

"c-chanhee told me, y/n" he hiccups, taking a deep breath after "he told me everything" i look at him, trying to come up with a sentence but i just can't talk "a-about the haters and how that made you break up with me"

"sunwoo, i--" i stop in the middle of the sentence, couldn't finish because he literally jumped into my arms. a couple minutes later, i close the door behind us before readjusting his arms around me. with the head against his chest i can feel his heart bumping fast and his chin hovering above my head, and somehow it is recomforting. we stay like this for a couple moments, i stop feeling nervous and anxious as i feel his arms around me, calming me down, until his sobbing come into my ears "are you okay?" he nods, kissing the top of my head.

"i just..." i lift my head to look at him, red teary eyes looking deep into my eyes "why didn't you tell me, y/n? huh?" he holds my face with both hands "you can't do this, my love. how can you believe in what other people say when you know i'll love you forever?" he puts his forehead against mine and mumbles "please come back to me, i miss you so much" 

"sunwoo..." i take a deep breath and whisper "i don't know..."

"please, my love, please... i do anything!" his breath smells like alcohol "if you want me to leave the group, i'll do that right now!"

"stop saying nonsense, you know you can't do that!" i shake off his hands away slightly and he seems pretty offended, getting some steps away and looking back at me with angry but still sad eyes, tears now running down his cheeks without permission. a muscle in his jaw twitches making him look scary, yet i'm not afraid.

"it isn't nonsense! it's the truth!" he shouts "how could you believe those words when i am madly in love with you?--" sunwoo paces around the living room, hands messing his hair as if he was having an attack.

"sunwoo, you're screaming--"

"i can't eat, i can't sleep! all i can think about is you!" he takes a deep breath “i have my own pride! you can’t do this to me--”

"it's late, please lower your voice--"

“you can’t just leave me sick like this!” i scratch my forehead at his screamed words “you can’t throw away what we had, not this way!”

“sunwoo, please--”

"why did you have to do this?” he goes on “we've been together for so long, how could you let us just fall all apart?"

"sunwoo..."

"i can't breathe when you're not with me, y/n! fuck!" he slaps the flower pot that once was on top of the table, making it fall into the ground and break into pieces.

"oh my god, kim sunwoo! stop acting like crazy! look what you did!" he stares at me, gasping. i feel my cheeks getting red at the sudden wave of mixed feelings.

"i'm s-sorry" sunwoo looks to the ground and sighs before dropping on his knees, hysterically sobbing "it hurts so much, y/n. you're my everything! i can't stay away from you anymore" he lets out while crying "now why... why would you?" i don't know what to do, but i still keep watching him while holding back some tears.

it doesn't take too much until i can't take this agonizing scene anymore. i know he is tired and confused and i'm definitely not on the mood to fight, that's why i kneel down in front of him and let my hands cup his cheeks. i lift his head, taking a good look at his face as i start to wipe his teardrops away, still fighting back my tears, feeling my heart break into tiny little pieces "why don't you take a shower so you can calm down and then if you're not too tired we talk this through, huh? what do you say?" he opens a sad smile and nods, softly leaning his head against my hand as he searches for more of my touches.

with a certain difficulty, i manage to get him back on his feet but somehow he lost his balance, hardly being able to stand on his feet, so i help him walk to the bathroom while he keeps on muttering that he is sorry for everything and that he wants me back, making this even harder. once we are in the bathroom, i help him with his clothes before pushing him under the shower, i open the faucet, letting the water fall on his head.

"ah! it's cold!" he complains in a hiss, hugging his now naked body.

"i know, but you need it" i close the bathroom shower door, hearing as he mumbles something about not having extra clothes, making me sigh at the fact that he had forgotten that he owns at least three drawers in my dresser.

i walk back to the living room and clean up the mess sunwoo made. when finished, i decide to have a couple more glasses of water to calm down. i still can't believe this is happening. i draw in a long breath as i walk to the bedroom, i open one of sunwoo's drawers, which is exactly the same way it was the day he left. i pick up some clothes for him and soon when i stop hearing the sound of the water falling, i get back into the bathroom to hand sunwoo his clothes. he shyly thanks me before i walk out the room to give him some privacy. few minutes go by until sunwoo shows up in the room, wearing the navy blue pajamas i picked for him, dragging his body to the bed, where i am sitting on.

"i'm sorry, my love. sorry i'm a mess up" he mumbles, stopping in front of me, just by the look on his eyes i can feel that he is completely exhausted, like he would sleep for an entire day if he could. i don't say much, sighing only before getting up to take his hand and sit him down on the bed. i take the towel away from his hands and start to dry off his hair. i feel his hand touch my waist lightly, his thumbs caressing my skin over the material of my shirt, touches ever so soft just like his voice when he whispered "don't be mad at me"

"i'm not" i quickly answer back.

"yes, you are. you're not even looking at me, y/n" he puts his hands on my hands, making any movement of mine stop and then i finally look into his now swollen eyes, all i can see is sadness and sorrow.

"i'm not mad, sunwoo. i just don't like seeing you like that," i try not to cry but it's barely impossible "it makes me sad and it's even worse to know that you're suffering because of me" he wraps his arms around my waist when i drop the towel to the bed, covering my face as i sob uncontrollably.

i find shelter in sunwoo's arms moments later, when he makes me sit on his lap. i curl myself up inside his embrace, snuggling my nose on his neck and feeling his fingers going back and forth on my skin, sometimes he would kiss my temper and whisper some words, reminding me that he was there with me, calming me down.

"i'm so, so sorry for all of this" i hear myself saying after long minutes went by, he holds my  face on his hands, looking deep into my crying eyes "i was weak and made us suffer this badly" he nods at my words "i was in a bad place back then, i thought you wouldn't understand and got us all stuck in this even worse nightmare" he runs his thumb across my cheeks, wiping away some teardrops "i should've talked to you but i was afraid..."

"there was nothing for you to be afraid of, my love... we would have talked this through and find a solution together" i bob my head in comprehension as i feel his fingers put a lock of my hair behind my ear, tears falling silently this time "just like we will find one now, you are not alone. i’m with you, y/n"

"i'm so happy that you are here, sunwoo..." i let out in a whisper and i can watch his lips curve into a smile "i tried to text you before but i just couldn't" he nods.

"i understand, y/n. and it's totally fine" we grin at each other “and i’m sorry i didn’t call all this time and--” he is interrupted by a sudden yawn that makes us laugh, he apologizes right after "sorry, my love, i'm just feeling tired" he blinks lazily as i cross my hand through his hair.

"no, babe, i'm sorry for putting you up to this at this time, we should've talked in the morning" sunwoo shakes his head in denial, mumbling that it's okay "let's call it a day, shall we?" he nods once again that night.

"perfect idea, my love" i smile at him.

my hand fall from his hair to his chin as i put the other one on his shoulder. i lean myself and only closed my eyes after i saw sunwoo closing his, i get closer and closer until our lips locked. our kiss is small at first, slow and soft as if we were afraid of hurting each other but soon it grew bigger and full of desire. it was like my kiss had woken him up, his hands are now everywhere; first holding my cheeks then running down my arms until he got them on my waist, pulling me closer as if it is even possible. my own hands flew to the back of his head without me even notice and i feel his ones running up and down my spine, then holding me close. 

"i love you, y/n" he mumbles in between our making out session, lowering his kisses down my neck and shoulder.

"i love you too, love you  so much" i let out in a whine, panting under his caresses and this makes him smile. sunwoo stops all the kissing and leans his body backwards for a moment, taking his time to look on my face. good thing is that i can take a good look at his as well. he is gasping through his big and swollen red lips, black hair still a bit humid because i didn't make a good job at drying them, beautiful and swollen eyes that had stopped crying now stare at me with passion, making me feel like i am the prettiest woman on the planet, shirt all messy on his body and i swear this is the most beautiful scene i have seen, the dim lights from the bedside lamp only helping him to look even better.

"please don't you ever leave me again, my love" sunwoo prays in a whisper, one hand going up my cheek and i put mine above it "i don't know what i'll do without you" i lean my head to give his caressing hand a kiss.

"i'm not going anywhere" a smile dances on his lips and then he pulls me closer, making us fall on the bed and laugh together at it, before sunwoo kisses me again.

three months ago when he left, i could feel an emptiness growing inside of me, as if sunwoo had taken a piece of me along with him. but now i can assure that the hollow space i was feeling before sunwoo entered my apartment earlier today, that feeling is gone. kim sunwoo had always been that one source of happiness in my life and i don't know how i had the courage to doubt that nor how i managed to live all this time without him. again, we are like adam and eve. we are not perfect, we make mistakes, we are simply soulmates, born to be together. and i know that from now on i'm going to be fine, we are going to be happy.

[maybankiara]

BORROWED TIME (2/2)

pairing: JJ Maybank x Girlfriend!Reader

summary: JJ’s girlfriend tells him she loves him, and it’s the one thing he’s not ready to hear.

word count: 3.6k

warning: negative self-image on jj’s part; implications of anxiety issues and trauma from his upbringing

additional: based on i love you by billie eilish as if the song were from jj’s perspective. angst galore; the reader’s perspective.

masterlist

tag list

written for an anon

part one

Droplets of rain fall on the window of your car, loud and intrusive. Pop music’s playing on the radio in the background. You hear cars in the distance, too – people are coming home from work. A plane is overhead, too, and it should be deafening.

  All of this should be enough to silence your thoughts, but it isn’t.

  i should’ve said something else.

  anything.

  Your nose is runny and you sniff until it isn’t. Your hands move from the steering wheel and turn the radio knob to the right, until the sound is a little louder than the rain outside.

  The irony of the rain accompanying the emotions inside you feels a little too poetic, and it makes you chuckle. Chuckle, with a tear sliding down one of your cheeks, and another sniffle.

  ‘you’re an idiot, jj.’

  Your hands grip the steering wheel and you clench your teeth, suppressing the yell that’s aching to come out of you. It hurts; the skin on your knuckles pales until you can no longer hold it, and when you look at the insides of your palms, they’re red.

  A sob passes your lips next. Your cheeks are hurting and you feel sick in your stomach.

  ‘i think you’ve said enough.’

  You don’t punch the steering wheel because it would blare the horn and you can’t alert your family that shit’s hit the fan. You hold the back of your hand to your mouth instead and let out a wail, feeling yourself breaking.

  It’s been three days. A million scenarios ran through your mind, a million different things you could’ve said, a million different explanations for the way your boyfriend acted, but none of them have been good enough.

  None of them mattered.

  it’s okay, you wish you would’ve said. i understand this might be hard for you, but let me help—

  no.

  It wouldn’t have worked. You don’t understand – that was the whole point.  It was sudden and unexpected and flippantly unlike JJ that you were caught off guard, he was caught off guard, and the only thing you know you should’ve said is you’re not your father.

  The rain pours over you when you get out of the driver’s seat. You think about using the hood of your coat, but leave it down, instead. Partly because you know the redness and blotchiness of your face will make a little more sense that way.

  Partly because it feels like you deserve bone-chilling drops of rain to soak you.

  ‘you’re an idiot, jj.’

  You grit your teeth as you stand in front of your main door with your hand on the knob. You breathe in, breathe out, over and over again until the world feels a little less hectic.

  When you enter, you do so with a half-cheerful smile and complain about the rain as you kiss each of your parents on the cheek. Your dad’s halfway through making dinner and your mom has a pen in her hand and papers in front of her, and neither of them are curious about the state of you.

  ‘I’ll be in my room,’ you tell them. Your voice is a little shaky, a little jittery, but it can all be from the rain. ‘When dinner’s ready, just knock, please. I need to focus.’

  don’t enter because i might be falling apart.

  They don’t ask questions because they know you. If you wanted them to know, you would tell them. Your dad promises to come fetch you and your chest stings.

  They have so much trust in you.

  why can’t jj?

  Your room is a little cold when you enter so you wrap yourself into a blanket, as much for warmth as it is for comfort. The book that’s open on your text is the same textbook you’ve been trying to push through ever since the night of the argument.

  It’s an instinct, to look over at your bed and hope to find JJ there.

  He isn’t.

  The textbook offers enough monotony for you to get lost into. The repeated Latin phrases and names related to human body takes over the image of a blond boy in your mind, even if most of the information is passing through.

  It’s a mantra, almost. Your fingers play with the right upper corner of each page, flipping it faster than you’d expect from yourself. The notebook at its side is filling up, slowly but surely, and the rhythm brings you into a life where all you can think is ossa manus and carpus and phalanx i and ii and iii.

  i don’t have time for meaningless arguments, you think, and turn another page.

  You dine with your parents and you’re quiet, but it’s studying that you give as an excuse. It’s important, it’s exam time, and you’ve got to perform your best.

  They don’t ask about the noticeable emptiness of the chair next to you, for the first time in weeks.

  Back in your room, you throw yourself into that textbook and spread all your notes over your bed, bringing your laptop along. The playlist is the same one that played during the argument because it’s your study playlist, and you’re not going to let anything take that away from you.

  But it’s the bed, and when you lay on the side usually occupied by him, it smells faintly of sea and salt and woods.

  It’s enough to make you catch a sob in your throat.

  Moments later, your finger hovers over the send button next to a very short message: are you okay? There are no tears on your face, because you are so worn out from the last three days that you just can’t do this anymore.

  That isn’t the button you press – you delete the letters, instead, and turn off your phone.

  You sigh. Your chest feels heavy and your eyes are burning, but you open up that damned textbook and force yourself to memorise the Latin names until that’s all your thoughts consist of.

  In the back of your mind, you still see his face. You still wonder how he’s doing. You still want to check up with his friends. You still want to see him.

  You still want to cry and curl up in a ball and lie in your bed until you don’t hate every bit of that fucking conversation.

  But you don’t.

  You end up lying in your bed with the comforter to your chin as your arm is wrapped around a pillow. The air is humid, as it’s nearing the summer months, and you feel sweat poking out of your pores; hairs stick to your face. You know you should get rid of the comforter, or turn on the AC.

  It reminds you of him. You’d always get too warm and sweaty when sleeping by his side, and it’s something you’d always complained. He never does, and it’s only now that you noticed how cold and empty your bed is without him, that you want the very thing you wanted to get rid of.

  You still don’t cry. You need sleep and you close your eyes, try to push your mind away, but sleep doesn’t come.

  Maybe that’s why you’re alert enough to hear the hum of a bike that you shouldn’t recognise, but you do. It’s right outside your house and it’s a deep, guttural sound until it disappears.

  For a moment, you’re lying in bed, frozen.

  You wait.

  No other sounds come, so you get out of your bed with only your tank top and pyjama shorts on. Your feet are warm against the cold floorboards and it’s sharp and unexpected enough to bring you into the reality, just as you look out of your window.

  It’s not raining anymore, but there are puddles all around the driveway, looking like tiny holes in the pavement. He’s in the very middle of them, leaning against his bike, one hand in the other. His head is bowed, hair messy and untamed even more so than you’re used to, and the pale yellow streetlight gives his denim jacket a greenish hue.

  He doesn’t look up, but a breath hitches in your throat, anyway.

  ‘i think you should go.’

  You are quiet as you walk through your house, out of the front door. It’s a chilly night so you put on a raincoat, just in case – you must look ridiculous.

  Then again, thinking about the way you look in a situation like this one is ridiculous in itself.

  He doesn’t see you approaching, not at first. You see him tap his boots against one of the puddles, watching the ripples in the water. He fiddles with his fingers, tugging on them and cracking his knuckles one by one – a habit you’ve picked up from him.

  JJ’s head moves slowly, as if the decision to do so is one of great importance, and his gaze turns towards your room.

  You left a light on. It wasn’t on purpose, but you see his posture go a little rigid, a little unlike anything you’ve seen from him before.

  He doesn’t hear your footsteps until you’re merely a few feet away from him.

  Your eyes lock.

  It’s odd, you think, how you can look at a person for less than half a heartbeat and know everything they’re going through. The streetlight is behind JJ and you can’t even see his face, but you just know.

  You don’t step any closer. He doesn’t move; he looks as if he’s seen a ghost.

  A thought crosses your mind: maybe he didn’t want to talk to me.

  Your throat is dry when you swallow. The air outside is chilly even in your raincoat, so you rub your upper arms, almost as if shielding yourself. (Maybe deep down, you are.)

  His Adam’s apple moves up then down, slowly. His gaze falls to his feet and he shakes his head, still playing with his fingers, sighing audibly before bringing his gaze to meet yours again.

  ‘you’re an idiot, jj, if you think i'd be in love with someone—’

  It hurts.

  You wish to see his face, and only for a fleeting moment, you’re terrified of what you’d see.

  ‘i guess i’m the idiot, then.’

  The moment doesn’t seem to come to an end; an owl hoots in the distance. Cicadas are the only other thing you can hear.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ says JJ. ‘I know you want nothing do to with me and that’s fine, but I just needed – I needed—’

  ‘You needed what, JJ?’

  It’s cruel. It’s nothing you should be doing. It’s exactly the opposite you’ve been telling yourself you’d do and it’s eating you from the inside, but you press your lips tight together as you stare at the boy in front of you, waiting for the answer.

  He’s still in the dark, but you see his expression harden. When he speaks next, it’s as quiet as if he were speaking to himself only.

  ‘You.’ JJ’s voice breaks and his head hangs low. ‘I needed you.’

  All the walls you’ve put up break and your heart’s all out in the open. Minutes later, the two of you are in the kitchen, as JJ has been drinking and you just… well, you just want some fucking tea.

  He sits in his usual spot with his fingers wrapped around a mug of freshly brewed coffee. He doesn’t talk, or twitch, or fiddle – he’s quiet to the point of being unnoticeable, which is the one thing JJ has never been around you. You move around the kitchen quietly, too, as you would rather not involve your parents in this whole thing.

  You make him a sandwich, too, the way he likes it, and he follows you into your room without a word.

  He doesn’t eat until you tell him to, and he doesn’t drink his coffee until you tell him to. It’s as if he needs someone to tell him how to function – and that’s the realisation that breaks even the thickest of walls.

  It’s an odd sight, JJ in your chair while you’re on the bed. He finishes his sandwich without so much as a sound and the coffee, too, and you watch him.

  Now, under the light of your shitty lamp that you’ve had since you were a kid, he looks like a different person from the one you saw on your driveway. His face is pale but blotchy, with the darkness underneath his eyes spread to nearly the whole area. His hair, while usually a mess, looks greasy and unkempt and weak. His fingers are restless, constantly shaking and trembling, and he keeps parting his lips and them pushing them together.

  JJ’s never been able to sit still, but now it’s as if he’s not even able to exist still.

  He looks at the papers scattered over your bedroom floor. ‘You’ve been studying.’

  It’s a statement with so much hope and pride in it that you’re taken aback; you nod, even if it’s a lie.

  You don’t think he’d do well knowing that thinking about what happened has been taking up too much of your brainpower. Studying has been on the back burner.

  JJ nods, to himself. ‘That’s good. I’m glad.’

  The words sound truthful and you sigh, feeling the unease between your shoulder blades. ‘You know I don’t like talking to you when you’ve been drinking.’

  ‘I couldn’t—’ he stops himself, shakes his head, runs fingers through his hair. He doesn’t look at you. ‘I needed it. I was going to crash at the Chateau, but they all had so many questions, and I just couldn’t stand it, so I went home and—’

  ‘You went home?’ you ask. ‘To your dad.’

  ‘Wasn’t that bad.’ He fiddles with his bracelet—a nervous tick—before he half-grins. ‘It was fine.’

  ‘Did he hurt you?’

  JJ shakes his head, but you don’t know if you should believe it.

  You lean your head against the wall. Your hands fall beside you and you feel your chest heaving as you pull your knees closer, looking at him. It hurts to see him making himself small in the space that not too long ago belonged to him as much as it does to you. He’s sitting on the chair, with his legs bouncing, leaning his back against the table.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ you say, for letting you do this to yourself.

  But you’re not in charge of him.

  It still doesn’t feel right.

  JJ laughs, only it’s more of a ha, dry and empty and soulless. You want to put his hair together, to take his hand into yours like you always do when he’s not all there, you want to press a kiss against his forehead the way you know he likes but would never admit.

  But he needs space. He needs to figure his shit out, so you wrap your arms around your knees instead.

  He takes a breath, slow and deep, and he doesn’t look at you when he speaks. ‘No one has ever… Nobody said those words to me. All I’ve had was having to watch people I care about give up on me.’

  JJ’s voice is soft and vulnerable – the only time you’ve heard him sound like this was the night of the argument, when he said ‘you didn’t mean it’.

  You take in his hunched shoulders, his withered frame. There’s so many things you want to say, yet none of them feel right. They’d bring more bad than good, or so it feels, so you bite your lip instead and wait for him to continue as the only sound in the room is your laptop overheating.

  ‘I didn’t mean to make you cry,’ he tells you.

  it’s okay almost passes your lips but it doesn’t, because it isn’t.

  His finger traces shapes on the back of your chair. ‘It would’ve been easier if you said nothing. I keep thinking… I keep thinking of the day you’re going to do what everybody else has. Leave. Give up on me. Whatever.’ He brushes it off as if it were nothing, with the classic JJ grin in the corner of his lip, but it falls when he doesn’t see it reciprocated in your expression. ‘That’s how my brain works. And you saying…that, it’s better if you didn’t mean it.’

  ‘Why?’ you ask. ‘Why is it better?’

  You watch his fingers continue to draw circles on the wood, only now they’re shaking. He’s barely keeping himself together, and your breathing isn’t even, either.

  He still hasn’t looked you in the eyes. ‘Because,’ he murmurs, ‘it will hurt less when you give up.’

  the higher you fly the deeper you fall. It’s something he’s said countless times, only you never realised how important the phrase is for him.

  You want to reach out, to touch him, but you can’t.

  or maybe—

  Your nose itches and you rub it with the back of your palm, sniffling. Whatever the blurriness in your eyes is, you blink it away. ‘It’s not true, JJ. I’m not— I could never—’ leave you, you want to say, give up on you.

  But there are some promises you can’t make. Life’s unpredictable and people change. You can’t promise to love someone forever, but you can promise to love them for as long as you can.

  You move on your bed until you’re on its very edge, your legs so close to his that you can feel the heat radiating off of him.

  ‘You can’t live in the future, JJ. You can’t keep being afraid of what could happen.’ You reach out, unable to fight the impulse, and you feel your heart breathe out when your palm is spread over his forearm, somehow making you realise that JJ’s really here. ‘I’m here. I’m not giving up on you, as long as I don’t have to.’

  ‘What if you do?’ JJ finally looks at you and his eyes are so broken that you feel as if you can’t breathe. ‘What if I just keep hurting you, because I can’t feel the way you want me to?’

  Your thumb rubs circles into his forearm as you shake your head. ‘I don’t want you to feel any way that you don’t feel. All I want is that you know how I feel.’

  ‘You really meant it?’

  ‘I did.’ You trace the vein on his hands until the beginning of his palm, where you take his hand into yours. The touch is soothing and familiar and your body relaxes into it; you feel his do the same. ‘I’m okay with you not feeling the same. But you’re not’—you swallow and it hurts—‘a burden to me, JJ, and you will never be.’

  The moment his thumb traces over the back of your palm and his forehead leans until yours is pressed against it, you know him. You know how he feels even if he isn’t saying it – you understand why he reacted the way he did.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ you whisper, ‘for pushing you away.’

  He chuckles. It’s quiet and barely there. ‘It’s okay. I needed it. I needed time to think, to figure shit out.’

  ‘Did you?’

  ‘Did I what?’

  ‘Figure shit out?’

  JJ hesitates for a moment. ‘Yeah,’ he says. You feel his breath hot against your lips, and he smells like alcohol and coffee and the sandwich you made him, but there’s a hint of the sea and salt and woods, too. ‘I think I did.’

  You nod, put a hand on his cheek. ‘Am I allowed to say it again?’

  There’s no question as to what you’re referring to. His cheek is hot against your skin but your hand know where it fits, how it fits, and it feels like home. You can’t believe you’ve ever doubted him.

  ‘Yeah.’ He covers your hand with his own. ‘I need to trust you.’

  ‘Do you think you can do that?’ you ask, and it’s a genuine question, even if your eyes are closed and the only thing you can think about is your skin against his. ‘It’s okay if you need time. I’ll give you all the time you need.’

  ‘Y/N?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘I never should have doubted you,’ he says, quietly.

  You kiss him. His lips are salty, or maybe it’s yours, but they’re soft and familiar and they move with yours like water moves with sand. Moment later, one of you or maybe both are crying softly, arms wrapped around each other.

  You lay in bed with him that night, feeling his hand on your side, bodies pressed together, face buried in the back of your neck. He places kisses over every inch of your skin exposed to him and it almost feels as if nothing has ever happened – almost.

  When you turn to him, when you look into his eyes, there’s something other than adoration within them, even he isn’t ready to admit it.

  You lay a kiss to his lips, chaste and soft. Your fingers caress his cheek. ‘Nothing has to change today,’ you tell him. ‘I didn’t mean to say what I did, but it came out because it’s true. And I hope you know that.’

  JJ nods. His fingers are now tracing shapes underneath the back of your shirt, on your bare skin, as they always would before you’d fall asleep.

  ‘I know,’ he tells you.

  You smile, because he’s smiling, too, and god, you’ve missed it. ‘Okay.’

  Later, right as both of you drift into sleep at nearly morning, you tell him you love him, again. JJ doesn’t freak out – he nuzzles into you instead, holding you close, as if he’ll never let you go, never let any of his worst fears that almost drove him away from you come true.

  You’d be alright with that.

  ★

tagging. @jjtheangel @teenwaywardasgardian @thelocalpogue @jjmaybanky @sacredto @chasefreakinstokes @shawnssongs @drewstarkey @thatsme-johnbookerroutledge @outrbank @yourlocalauthor @justawilddreamerchild @activist-af @mynamewontwork13 @sunwardsss @storiesbymads @koufaxx @drewstarkeyobx @ilovejjmaybank @teamnick @jjmaybanksbaby @silverstarsandsuns @mahleeyuh @starkeymarkey @nicolewithasoul

[bunnymcbunnister]

SPN Season 15 Spoiler Sheet, update 8/31

Waited until that second trailer came out to post. I am LIVING with all this new content! Mind the disclaimer and check it out under the cut. 

DISCLAIMER: This is gathered info from various sources. This is not confirmed information. Stuff in this WILL be wrong. Don’t take this too seriously. This is for fun. Also, if you use this info for another publication, please let me know as a courtesy. Don’t be a dick. It's all out there, but it hurts to see my same phrasing on other publications after all the work I’ve done to consolidate it…  

General Info (oldest to newest). This is a blend of pre-COVID and post COVID, so some might change. 

They are adding a whole extra day to filming to do the final scene. They will film the final scene last.  (Implies logistics- lots of returning people?) PRE COVID SPOILER

In an interview, Kripe indicated that the series ending would have “peace” for Sam and Dean

Not much new at the TCA’s, but it was said it is “unlikely” Jeffery Dean Morgan will be back since his last appearance was such a good end note. There were some jokes about a Castiel spin off. 

There will be a special tribute ep (Post COVID talk seems to indicate this will stil happen)

Misha will be in 15 out of 20 episodes this season (he’s missed 3 so far and I suspect will miss 14 and 16, unclear about 19). 

Cas’ deal with the Empty may come up later in the season. 

Jack will be a critical part of the ending of the show

Dean and Amara’s connection will be explored

There will be a bunker themed episode (MarySue article)

In one of his cookbook interviews, Misha used the word “we” several times when talking about the final scene of Supernatural. He said that would be the last scene they shoot. It seemed to imply that he was in the scene, but that could be open to interpretation. 

JaxCon/Vegas Con spoilers: 

Misha said the ending was “happier than he expected” but also had some sadness. He later used “sad and redemptive”

Misha mentioned that Claire will be mentioned on the show, but as of yet not appear. 

Dean says the line “stop killing my people” (to god?)

Jensen said he doesn’t see how the story could continue past this season, but Jared said its more of “a see you later”

Misha confirmed he’s in the final scene, but he also indicated he had one week of filming left (total?) PRE COVID SPOILER

Al Cal posted a pic of a “thrown away” call sheet that seem to indicate Micheal, Lucifer, and a character named “Betty” interacting in the bunker. Unclear as to the validity. 

There will be a flashback episode

Charlie (original flavor) will return

Filming will resume on Aug 18th. Per Canadian policy, they must quarantine for two weeks. Those quarantining seems to include:

Fairly Clear: Jared, Jensen, Jake Abel (Micheal), Rob Benedict (Chuck/God) Mark Pelligrino (Lucifer), Al Cal (didn't need to quarantine, but he is definitely on set)

Unclear/Rumored: Misha (he is being deliberately cagey), Osric Chau (Kevin- but likely for another project, he was a week ahead of everyone else) Jim Beaver (Bobby) flew to Vancouver on 8/26, so he could make it for the last couple days of filming with a quarantine 

No idea: Shoshannah Stern and Ruth 

Reasons Unlikely: Sam Smith (chemo treatment), Kim Rhodes (working at a camp during quarantine)

Jensen said sp 19 is more of a season finale, while 20 is a series finale. Repeated in interviews/livestreams. 

Megan Fitz. complimented both Dabb’s and Glynn’s writing on twitter. Not sure if it is in reference to rewrites or the special retrospective that is planned. 

Jensen indicated that the ending did change per COVID protocols. Unclear how much.

Misha is being very, very cagey about where he is. Some live streams seem to indicate he is not at home, but he has yet to confirm- his presence in 19/20 is hard to track. In an interview with Metaverse, he was in bed in a hotel looking space and you could see mountains in the background. He was not on set for the first week of filming, so he could be a week behind. 

Misha has thrown around the words “final”  and “what he <Misha> would have wanted” per Cas’ ending. “Sad/Proud” and “poignant” were also used. 

The final episodes will premier October 8th. The finale will air Nov 19th in conjunction with an hour long special. 

A trailer was released on 8/27. Scenes included:

A moving speech from Sam to Dean

(Possibly from 18) A teary conversation between Dean and Cas

Injured Dean being helped by Cas in the bunker

Jack breaking some cuffs/bring thrown into a wall/saying he has to kill god

Dean and his grenade launcher and a purple nightgown 

Sam in a sweater vest getting a gun from under a pillow

A glimpse of a body with “Lust” written above it/a matronly woman (I think the villain from 14) saying “Boys”

Ghost Dean? Little Sam cutting off a hand

Some intermixed scenes from past episodes

A second trailer was released on 8/31. Scenes included:

A monologue from Billie about god coming to destroy the planet plus her banging on a bunker door (with her hand all gooey) and striking someone with her sythe

Jack continuing his speech about killing god but expanding that he has a ritual to do

Lots of red danger lights in the bunker/ 3 people getting tossed around in the bunker/Chuck in the bunker

Chuck saying he doesn't believe Sam and Dean can kill him

Young Sam and not ghost Young dean

Dean angrily driving the Impala then saying “its time”

Cas drawing his blade in front of an old truck to protect someone in a suit (Jack? I cant tell)

More Dean tears

A surprise appearance from Bobby

Some of the same scenes as before

Episode 15x14

Title: Last Holiday

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME – Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Dean (Jensen Ackles) discover a wood nymph (guest star Meagan Fey) living in the bunker who is determined to protect her family, at any cost. Eduardo Sanchez directed the episode written by Jeremy Adams (#1514). Original airdate 3/30/2020.

Written by: Jeremy Adams

Director: Eduardo Sanchez

Filming Dates:1/15- 1/24

Airdate: unknown- October 8th

Photos: 

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? eh… I don't think so Jack ? yes

Guest stars: 

Other Spoilers/info:

Misha mentioned being at an airport the first day of filming, maybe he’ll miss this one

The director shared a BTS shot with AlCal’s chair in the background. He also posted on that looked like the statues in hell. Lots of filming at the bunker. A few impala shots were shared as well. 

In an EW article, a mysterious woman gives Sam and Dean every holiday they ever missed. Based on the title, I’m guessing this!

 Episode 15x15

Title: Gimme Shelter

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: 

Written by: ?? Davy Perez???? They seem to be keeping it under wraps for some reason

Director: Matt Cohen

Filming Dates: 1/27-2/5

Airdate: unknown. October 15th?

Photos: 

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ?yes  Jack ? Yes

Guest stars: 

Other Spoilers/info:

There was some filming done at the crossroads with only Misha. 

Alex and Misha filmed together

It seems as if J2 didn’t film at all the first week, Misha filmed six or seven days, this is a Cas centric ep

Episode 15x16

Title: Drag Me Away (From You)

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: 

Written by: Megan Fitzmartin

Director: Amyn Kaderali

Filming Dates: 2/6-2/17

Airdate: October 22nd?

Photos: 

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? I think so… briefly? Jack ? not sure either. 

Guest stars: IMDB credits Lisa Berry (Billie/Death)

Other Spoilers/info:

Alex got a cast of his face around the filming of this- so this ep or the one after

Looks like we get Dean in a robe!

They filmed at Rooster’s Sunrise Hotel for 3 days/nights

This might be the flashback ep

Episode 15x17

Title: Unity

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: 

Written by: Meredith Gylnn

Director: Catrion McKenzie

Filming Dates: 2/19-2/28

Airdate: Oct 29th?

Photos: 

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? yes Jack ? yes

Guest stars: Rob benedict and Emily Sparrow

Other Spoilers/info:

Chuck and Amara trailers were seen on set when filming in a garden

Jensen was in NOLA Friday, possible Monday

“Uriel” was around for filming (Post COVID update: Misha seemed to indicate that this was because the actor was nearby filming? Not sure if this is to cover up the spoiler or the truth)

Alex and Jensen filmed in the imala

Episode 15x18

Title: The Truth

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: 

Written by: BOBO

Director: Speight

Filming Dates: 3/2--3/11

Airdate: Nov 5th?

Photos: 

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? yes Jack ? yes

Guest stars: 

Other Spoilers/info:

Misha and Alex filmed near the impala. J2 showed up later that night. This was the source of the “last time they all filmed on set” photo)

An really emotional scene was filmed with Misha and Jensen. Jared was definitely not there, but Alex was on the flight they took with Rich, so its possible he was too. This was revealed at a con in which the four of them were on a plane that had an in-flight problem.

Filming watchers saw a bro hug

Tape Ball posted a shot of field that looks like were dean came back from hell

Misha indicated this was his “favorite episode” in a recent interview

Episode 15x19

Title: Inherit the Earth

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: 

Written by: bucklelimg

Director: John Showalter

Filming Dates:: 3/12-3/23/cancelled for COVID and then 8/18-8/27

Airdate: Nov 12th

Photos: 

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? unknown Jack ? yes

Guest stars: Jake Abel (Micheal), Mark Pelligrino (Lucifer) 

Other Spoilers/info:

Production shut down as a precaution for coronavirus on 3/13, two days into filming. It is scheduled to start again on Aug 18th. 

Jensen indicated there might be some re-writes for this ep to account for COVID protocols.

When they started filming, they indicated they were on day two. So maybe they could only use some of the scenes they shot? Then they added an extra day all called it day 9. COVID protocols makes things take longer 

AlCal was definitely on set. 

Jake Abel is definitely on set, and he posted an instagram story with his trailer and Lucifer’s (Mark Pelligrino)

Some filming was done at a gas station called Showalter’s (name of the director) with Jared, Jensen, and Alex

Jake “Spoiler King” Abel filmed a video showing chairs for Jared, Jensen, and Alex as well as Rob Benedict (Chuck/God). They were filming near a lake with a mountain view (that looked similar to where Cas died in season 13)

Rob Benedict posted it was his last day in Vancouver, indicating we won't see Chuck past this episode? Or very very briefly in 20? Jake Abel posted a similar message, also baiting fans about Misha’s whereabouts 

 Episode 15x20

Title: Carry On

OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: 

Written by: Dabb

Director: Bob Singer

Filming Dates: 8/28- 911? (9/7 is Labor Day, not sure if that affect filming in Canada, or if the finale still requires an extra day. COVID makes things take longer as well)

Airdate: November 19th

Photos: 

Promo:

Sneak Peak:

Castiel ? maaaaybe? Jack ? maaaaybe?

Guest stars: 

Other Spoilers/info:

Misha is in the final scene, per pre COVID interviews. 

Jake Abel used a “we” when he tweeted about getting back to work as soon as the virus scare ended, indicating Adam/Micheal would be part of the finale. He is quarantining, so this seems likely. Now looking like he was referencing 19.

Jensen indicated filming would take two weeks, longer than usual

[wildoceanstarz]

The Valkyries friendships

Someone asked about it and i got way too much into it so i'm also making separate posts lol (you can find the original post here)

【 Mary & Lily: 】

Meeting

For me, Mary and Lily actually meet for the first time at the train station.

Mary’s parents had to drop her off quickly to go take care of some other stuff and she was looking lost, trying to figure out how to get to the platform (not unlike Harry in the first movie).

Lily and Severus had been dropping together by Lily’s parents -who were adamant about walking her off, but she told them to go back as she was shy and didn’t wanna make Petunia more mad at her than she was- and so after a long embrace, Sev and her grabbed a cart and started walking together toward the right wall, as Severus knew the basics since his mom was a wizard.

With her lovely energy and bright smile, Mary accosted them when she noticed the familiars books and such in their cart and asked for directions. Severus could boast about his knowledge of the wizarding world and so the two girls ran after him, half giggling, half anxious, as they walked through a wall.

Upon seeing the train, they said goodbye, Lily knowing Severus wasn’t fond of strangers, and went to sit in different carriages.

(As we know that’s what when Severus and Lily meets James and it is not great, so they end up storming out)

They then looked for an empty carriage and after many full ones, were finally welcomed by a brightly smiling Marry, who invited them in. During the train ride, Severus was mostly silent, not comfortable with strangers, but made an effort to answer when Lily would include him in the conversation. For Mary and Lily, it was instant friendship! They realized they lived quite close by actually, Mary living in the next town, and that they liked most of the same things. Although Mary was more into fashion, and Lily into books, they found a common interest in cooking & baking, as well as in a curiosity for the world, now definitely concentrated on this entire new place.

Once they were sorted, the girls were so happy they were together, and when they got to their dorm, they chose beds next to each other.

The first night was scary for them, and in a weird attempt to comfort, they decided to put their beds next to each other. They did not move those beds for the next 4 years.

Dynamic

They’re very fem4fem. Lily is more a bookworm introvert, Mary more of a life of the party extrovert, but they both have moments where they need the entire world to be quiet.

Lily like to learn through books and research and movies, meanwhile Mary prefer to learn through lived experiences and exploring. If they were to plan a trip, Lily would be the one planning their itinerary to a T and Mary would be more go with the flow. Sometimes Lily forget to calculate how time a normal person takes to walk, eat and all. Mary always make sure the timing is right, even if that means skipping a few of the things planned. After a while, Lily would learn to put gaps and pieces and space between each step, and Mary would make sure Lily can see everything she wanted to see.

During the summer, they would both sleepovers to each other’s places for Weeks at the time. Cooking & baking, enjoying the sun and frolicking around in pretty dresses. They would stay up late and giggle until their parents told them to be quiet, then they would keep talking but under the pillows.

Angst

They end up disagreeing about how to take on the war, and even though they try to stay close, they simply grow very fast into different people. A few months after Harry is born, they end up growing closer again, but never make it to where they were before. Maybe they could have, if Lily didn’t die.

I also really like the idea (saw it on tiktok) that Mary end up fighting with Lily over Severus views when he starts to say his bullshit and they have a time where they’re really cold and distant because of it. Once Lily finally drop Severus, it comes to an end and they manage to go back to how they were very quickly, as they just missed each other so much.

Their song:

They listened to it one hot summer day while laying on the floor in Mary’s room, the radio next to them, and it hold a special place in their heart; bringing them back to this moment. That was the song of their second summer, always trying to find a radio post that would play Danny’s Song.

[cpd5021]

Sticks and Stones

Happy Wednesday! Back with another one shot! This fic was based off a prompt sent in by revolutionary25 on FF.net . One week closer to them hopefully being back on our screens! Woohoo!

It happens in a blink. One second, I'm standing in the middle of Med, waiting for our suspect to be stitched up so we can interview him and then the next second I'm locking eyes with a woman I hadn't seen in years. At first glance, she might have been unrecognizable behind the swollen eyelids and bloodied and bruised face, but this wasn't a new sight to me. This was my mother. The second our eyes met, I felt the air leave my lungs and try as I might, I couldn't force any back in. My chest was tight and the room began to spin around me. Adam reached me first, quickly gripping my upper arms and spinning me around to leave the area we were all huddled in while at the same time, brushing Kim and Vanessa's worried faces away. I couldn't speak, hell, I still couldn't breathe...I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up and the panic in my chest was overwhelming. Adam pushed me into a small corridor that was thankfully empty, pressing me up against the wall and maintaining his firm grip on my arms to keep me upright.

"What the hell is going on?"

His voice was full of worry as he dipped his head down to meet my eyes. I tried to swallow but the movement got stuck in my throat and I let out an unusual noise, a mix between a whimper and a gag. I shook my head, unable to speak, and only managed to make him look more concerned.

"Hailey...come on, talk to me. You look like you just saw a ghost…"

He trailed off, attempting to meet my eyes once again. I nodded slowly, that was probably the best way to describe what had just happened. I had cut off all ties with my family years ago, after going through the pain of watching my mother continue to take her abuse with a smile. I simply couldn't take it anymore so one day I was just done. Seeing her, beaten beyond recognition, laying in that hospital bed, had sent me right back to my childhood. In an instant, I wasn't a detective, but instead the scared little girl I once was, hiding in her bedroom with a pillow shoved over her head, praying the screaming would stop. My chest burned at the thought, or maybe it was from lack of oxygen as I still hadn't managed to take a proper breath. The room around me swayed and I felt Adam's grip tighten. I must have looked as bad as I felt because suddenly he was pushing me down to sit on the floor, guiding me to lean back against the wall. I hung my head, letting it rest against my knees, and wrapped my arms around my bent legs. My sweaty hands clasped in front of me, holding myself in a ball on the floor. Adam kept one hand on my shoulder and I could tell he was talking to me but I couldn't understand what he was saying. Suddenly, another hand was on my other shoulder. This one felt different, softer and warmer as it rubbed my upper back. More mumbled words exchanged above me and then Adam's hand was gone. I risked a glance up to see who the other hand belonged too and was met with Jay's worried eyes boring into mine. He gave me a small smile, only half of his mouth rising ever so slightly and it never reached his eyes. I felt the vice grip around my chest loosen just a little and was finally able to take a deep breath. The minute the air swirled into my chest, something inside of me broke and I felt my eyes begin to burn with tears. I ducked my head back down, hoping Jay hadn't noticed my sudden rush of emotion and blinked furiously to stop their flow. It was no use. I kept my head pressed against my knees as the tears ran down my face, wetting the denim below me. Jay's hand remained on my upper back, rubbing slow and gentle circles between my shoulder blades. I was thankful that I hadn't lost it in front of Adam, but was also embarrassed that I had once again let my walls crumble in front of Jay. He had seen me turn into a mess more times than I'd care to admit and I was starting to get a complex. He didn't say anything, not any of the times before, or now. Usually, he remained silent while I worked to pull myself back together and then I'd eventually manage to joke it off or change the subject. Something told me this time would be different. I'm not sure how long we sat like that before I was finally able to lift my head up and risk a glance his way. His eyes still held their worried look but he seemed a little relieved that I was seemingly coming back around. I wanted to say something, explain what had just happened, but that would open up a whole box I wasn't sure I was ready to unpack. Part of me hoped that I could just sneak out of here with my team, and my mother, being none the wiser. Of course, that wouldn't be the case thought.

"Upton. That was the name on the ER board."

Jay said in almost a whisper. I swallowed hard and fought back more tears at the mention of her name, of my name.

"Yeah…"

I breathed out, my voice still shaky from the emotions battling inside of me. I looked over to him and was met with a waiting stare. I knew he wouldn't push me but I also felt like I should at least clue him in a little bit.

"My mother."

I pursed my lips together as I looked at him again, recognition clicking on his face. I'm sure he had seen the way she looked too and would have been able to piece two and two together with the minor details he knew of my childhood.

"Hailey…"

He trailed off, seemingly unsure of what to say. Quite frankly, I wasn't sure either. I didn't know how to proceed with any of this. My conversation with Jay, that fact that she was here and appeared to have received yet another harsh beating… any of it. I rubbed at my face, wiping away the wetness on my cheeks and forced myself to take a few breaths in an attempt to compose myself.

"I haven't seen her in years…"

I whispered, more to myself than anything. Jay nodded beside me, waiting for me to continue.

"I don't know what to do. Do I pretend I didn't see her there and hope she doesn't contact me? Or do I go check on her? She's my mother…"

I trailed off as more tears gathered in my eyes. I wiped them away with the sleeve of my shirt and tried to keep myself together.

"Well...did she see you?"

Jay started, trying to help me through this. I nodded and flashed back to the look in her eyes when she met mine. Jay nodded beside me again, taking in the new information.

"What do you want to do?"

His question was gentle as he carefully pushed me into making a decision. Truthfully, I wanted to go talk to her. Make sure she is okay. Sure, I had seen her take multiple beatings, some making her look way worse than she did now, but this time felt different. Despite her years of abuse, my mother never typically sought medical attention afterwards and it had me worried that something major was wrong. Jay, seemingly reading my mind, gently bumped his shoulder into mine before he spoke.

"Do you want me to go with you?"

I smiled softly at his offer. Of course he would be willing to walk blindly into my family drama, just to be there as support for me. But I was sure that his presence would only bring with it a slew of questions I couldn't answer. I slowly shook my head, sending him another smile. I took a deep breath and finally climbed back up off the floor with Jay right beside me. He steadied me when I swayed upon standing but quickly let his hand drop, looking almost embarrassed with the contact. He sent me a sheepish smirk and I couldn't help but send him another genuine smile. We turned and walked back down the short hallway Adam had pushed me down and then we were back in the open area with the rest of Intelligence. They all stood around the nurses station, still waiting for our suspect. Most of them had their backs turned to me but I could see Adam's eyes trailing after me as I made my way over to the curtain that was now pulled shut. I paused at the entryway, my heart rate increasing with each passing second, before I slowly brought my hand up to knock on the frame.

"Come in."

Came a voice that made my heart break just a little more. She sounded so vulnerable that it made my temper threaten to flare. I pulled back the curtain and ducked inside before I could chicken out. The second I saw her up close, the tears instantly returned to my eyes and I hurried to blink them away.

"Oh Hailey.."

She said my name, her own voice full of emotion as she held her arms up, inviting me into an embrace. I closed the distance between us, carefully choosing to ignore the bruises all over her arms and let her pull me into a hug. She smelled like a mix of dried blood and alcohol. I pulled back to look at her face and she tried to give me a smile that was beyond twisted under her swollen face. Her hand gripped one of mine, preventing me from stepping back any further and I shifted my gaze away from her, searching the room for anything else to focus on.

"Do I need to ask what happened? Or do I already know?"

I didn't mean my words to come out so harsh, but seeing her here and knowing what, or rather who, had put her here made my temper flare once again.

"Hailey bug, it's not what you think...it was just a little disagreement."

She tried to brush it off, even having the nerve to chuckle at the end of her statement as if this was a laughing matter. The smell of alcohol assaulted my nose again and I scrunched my face up in disgust.

"Were you drinking?"

I asked, my voice harsh once again.

"No, I don't drink Hailey. You know that."

Again, she chuckled. My face burned with the anger boiling inside of me.

"Then why do you smell like a bar?"

I accused, still avoiding her face.

"Uh, well...well you know your father likes his drinks mixed a certain way. I just didn't add quiet enough-"

I raised my hand, cutting her off before she could continue. I didn't need to hear the rest to know what had happened. My blood boiled at the thought of him throwing his drink at her, not an unusual occurrence during my childhood, but never one I understood. I couldn't wrap my head around why she would stay and take his nonsense, especially not when she had been given an out on multiple occasions.

"I have to get back to work."

I said bluntly, yanking my hand free and turning to leave the room.

"Oh Hailey, wait...please don't leave yet…"

She pleaded behind me, causing me to pause just before the curtain. I turned to face her once again, swallowing hard before speaking.

"I can't do this mom. I won't. I'm not going to stand by and watch him do this to you. I offered you help to get you out of there and that offer still stands. But I won't just play along like nothing is wrong when he keeps doing this to you and you keep taking it. If you want my help, here's how to reach me. But other than that….good bye mom."

I pulled a card out of my pocket, placing it on the bedside table next to her and then turned and walked out of the room. By the time I walked out, the rest of my team was gone. I pointed towards the lobby, pulling out my phone to see if Jay could come back to give me a ride but stopped short when I saw him sitting in the chair just inside the waiting room. He gave me a small unsure smile and stood as I approached. I let out a breath and shook my head as I nodded towards the exit, not wanting to risk another breakdown in front of anyone else. We climbed into Jay's truck and remained silent on the ride back to the 21st, him thankfully not pushing me to talk as I'm not sure I would be able to hold it together once I started. I managed to make it through the rest of my day, not oblivious to the looks both Jay and Adam kept sending my way, or the looks they were exchanging with each other. Finally, the day ended and I hurried to gather my things from my locker before slamming it shut and making to leave the room. Jay came through the door just before I reached it and he gave me a sheepish grin when I had to step back to let him in.

"Beers tonight?"

He asked, eyebrows raised with anticipation. I briefly considered it but settled on just being alone and letting myself process the day before I drug him down with me. I gave him a small smile and shook my head gently, watching his own smile falter slightly.

"Raincheck for tomorrow? I just need to process this alone…"

I explained, hoping to not hurt his feelings. He nodded and gently squeezed my shoulder as he let me pass. I made my way out of the building and into my car in a blur, the emotional rollercoaster of the day finally starting to catch up to me. I was so lost in thought on my drive home that I didn't notice the car lights behind me, following me turn for turn as I made my way home. They drew my attention too late, as I noticed them just before I pulled into the drive. The car sped past my driveway just as I pulled in. It was too dark for me to see the driver so I waited until the taillights disappeared around the corner before getting out. I made my way up my porch steps, fumbling with my keys and having lost my train of thought again. I caught sight of the shadow a second too late before strong hands gripped my shoulders and spun me around, slamming me back into my front door. The air was forced from my lungs on impact and I felt my face pale when I saw the face looming over me. My father. His face was flushed with a mix of anger and alcohol, the smell radiating off him and assaulting my nose in the light evening breeze. Before I could say anything, he pulled me forward only to shove me back against the door again, causing me to cry out in pain as my head struck the metal of the door frame.

"You little bitch! You should have stayed out of this!"

His hot breath screamed in my face, causing me to flinch. I knew I didn't stand a chance fighting off his large frame, but suddenly I didn't even have the notion to try. The way he was holding me, screaming at me, made me feel like the tiny, fragile little girl again and I felt myself shutting down. He yanked me forward again, this time his hand coming to grip my neck and causing me to drop my jacket and keys onto the ground below. He tightened his grip, lifting me slightly off my feet and I danced on my tiptoes to try and ease the choke hold he had me in. My hands clawed at his wrists but it was no use. He slammed me back against the door again, his hands releasing me and I crumbled to the ground, holding my neck and gagging as the air burned my throat. I closed my eyes, waiting for another blow, when a strangled yell escaped him. I looked up to see him being pulled backwards and tossed onto the pavement. The sound of metal cuffs clinking making me try to focus even harder on the scene before me. Jay held him down on the pavement, arms restrained behind his back with his face down in the grass. Jay's frantic eyes met mine, silently asking if I was okay. I nodded, trying to reassure him as I watched my dad flail underneath Jay. Jay gave him another shove into the pavement, only angering him more as the profanities spewed out of his mouth. I tried to stand but my body wouldn't cooperate. I heard Jay call in for a patrol car to head this way. Part of me wanted to tell him no, to just let my father go and save me the embarrassment of him being transported to my place of employment. But that would make me just like my mother and the thought made me sick. It didn't take long for the lights of the patrol car to illuminate the street. Jay pulled my dad into a sitting position but as soon as they were face to face, I watched as he spit right in Jay's face. Before I could process that, I saw Jay draw his arm back and deliver a solid blow to my dad's jaw, blood spewing from his mouth on impact. I would be lying if I tried to deny that a small smirk crept onto my face, if only for a minute, at the sight. The patrolmen reached Jay then and together they hauled my father up. I listened as the officer exchanged a few words with Jay before he hauled my dad away to the patrol car. Jay turned to face me then, hesitating for just a second before he closed the distance between us at a jog. I was still sitting on my porch, leaning against the door I had just been thrown in too, already feeling my body ache from the blows. Jay knelt in front of me, reaching a gentle hand out to my shoulder and I looked up through tear filled eyes to meet his worried look. He looked like he wanted to say something, but wasn't sure what. So instead, he helped me stand and we made our way into my condo silently. I set my things on the kitchen counter, immediately moving to the cupboard that housed my alcohol and pulled out the tequila along with two glasses. I returned to Jay, who now sat perched on the barstool by my island and poured us each a drink. I added just enough liquid to the glass to amount to a shot and instantly picked up the glass, tossing the drink back and enjoying the slow burn it left down my throat. I watched as Jay did the same before refilling our glasses, fuller this time with the intention to just sip away at it. I knew he was waiting for me to speak but I couldn't and eventually he broke the silence.

"You okay?"

It was somewhat of a loaded question and we both knew it. Today had been hell to say the least and Jay had seen firsthand more of the demons in my closet then I'd care to admit. He seemed to be taking it all in stride though and was only concerned with my well being over everything. I pondered my response, debating how much more open I wanted to be with him tonight.

"I...yeah."

I trailed off weakly, feeling my eyes start to burn with the threat of tears.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He asked gently, not wanting to push me. I knew I would owe him some sort of an explanation or something, but the weight of the day was catching up to me quickly. I scrunched my face up a little, sending him a half hearted smirk before pushing off the barstool and heading into my living room. If I was going to open that box again I was at the very least going to be comfortable doing so. We perched on opposite ends of the couch, me sitting with my knees bent up to my chest while Jay stretched his legs out off the couch. I sipped my drink a little more before I started talking.

"I promise, he wasn't always like that. Some days were better than others...but...some were worse."

Jay nodded, taking a sip from his own glass and waiting for me to continue.

"She usually took the brunt of it. Usually because he would be coming after one of us and she would stop him. Or try to anyway. As I got older...it just got to a point where I couldn't stand watching it anymore so I just left. I feel like I just abandoned her but she won't take the help…"

I let my head dip down as I felt the tears sting my eyes once again.

"You didn't abandon her Hailey...some people...they just won't leave…"

I let out a humorless chuckle at his words. He was right and she was the shining example of that.

"He got to me a lot too, I think because I reminded him of her so much. But not usually as bad as that."

I watched as Jay took in a deep breath, his eyes looking like he was picturing something far away. His grip on the glass tightened as he spoke.

"Not usually?"

His eyes met mine then and I saw a mix of heartbreak and anger swirling within them. I had to break away before I lost it completely.

"There were a few times that were pretty bad…"

I admitted, hanging my head once again.

"Hailey…"

He trailed off, his own voice thick with emotion.

"It's okay. I mean...it's not. But...I'm okay, now."

I stammered out my words, trying to shake off the memories. We feel into a silence, both taking the occasional drink and sharing a glance. Eventually, as I usually do after I let my walls crumble in front of him, I managed to shift the conversation to a lighter topic and we fell into an easy banter. I felt better with him here, despite everything the day had brought Jay was a constant source of comfort that I hadn't quite figured out yet. I definitely owed him for showing up even after I had told him no, although a part of me had known he wouldn't give up that easily anyway. After over an hour, and a glance at the clock noting it was almost 1AM, Jay stood from the couch and stretched. I stood up after him and we made our way to the front door. He lingered awkwardly for a moment, before turning to face me.

"Hailey, you promise you're good? If you need anything…"

He trailed off, giving me a reassuring smile. I smiled back, thankful for everything he had done for me. I nodded, not trusting my voice and then he reached his hand to pull the door open. As I watched him step out I felt my heart start to race as a panic rose in my chest. I would be alone now and the realization had my mind running wild. No sooner had he clicked the door shut was I yanking it back open and saying his name. He turned around instantly, a mix of confusion and worry on his face at my tone.

"I...it's stupid. I'm sorry..nevermind."

I tried to back peddle, quickly thinking through what I was about to ask him and feeling instantly embarrassed at the thought. He didn't buy it though and quickly stepped back up to the door.

"What is it Hailey?"

He smiled again and the sight helped my heartbeat to slow ever so slightly. I decided to throw caution to the wind and swallowed hard before speaking.

"Could you...would you maybe...stay? It's just...I don't want to be alone tonight."

I hated how pathetic I sounded right now but he didn't seem to care. He nodded and stepped back inside, shutting the door behind him. Before I could process what he was doing he closed the gap between us and pulled me into a tight hug. My first instinct was to pull away as this wasn't something we normally did. But as I felt the heat from his body seep into mine I let myself relax into him and the feeling of safety his embrace brought.

[marvelofcontent]

May the Fourth Be With You (Peter Parker x Stark!Reader)

Summary  You and Peter are huge Star Wars Fans. Always have been, always will be. After Thanos and Mysterio had their fun, you finally get to enjoy your senior year of high school, but things have changed between you and Peter. What plans are in store for the pair of you now that senior year is coming to a close? Word Count 2677 Warnings This is a nerdy fluffy piece to celebrate Star Wars Day, so some Star Wars references are included, but nothing too obscure. This story was posted after May Fourth because I thought of this late and I suck at updating. To all of my Star Wars fans, May the Fourth Be With You!

Peter Benjamin Parker loves Star Wars. When the boy your father had recruited boarded the jet and sat by Happy, you made a metal note to talk to him once you finished reading your book, only a few chapters from the end. Mid-flight, you made your way over and took the empty seat in front of him nonchalantly.

“You’re Peter, right? I’m y/n,” you said gently, offering him a small smile. He returned it and nodded. The two of you struck some conversation before quieting down to a comfortable silence. You busied yourselves with your phones, your eyes only peeking up when Peter started to fidget in his seat, a wide smile on his face. 

“You look happy,” you commented, looking him over for a moment. He reacted by stiffening and ducking his eyes awkwardly, reluctantly turning his screen off.

“Oh no, it’s stupid,” he tried to brush off, but your curiosity had already taken root.

“Couldn’t have been stupid to bring on a smile like that. Come on, what is it?” You inched closer, on the edge of your seat. When he glanced up and saw your poised determination, he let out a nervous huff and reopened his phone.

“Oh nothing, just…there are new pictures from the set of The Last Jedi. Just some nerdy-”

“Wait, really? Can I see?” His eyes widened as you got up and sat beside him, excitement in your eyes.

“Wait, you like Star Wars?”

“Like Star Wars? Are you kidding? I love Star Wars. My dad helped me build a pencil sharpener R2D2 a few years ago.” To your surprise, he let out a warm laugh and turned his body in your direction.

“I can’t imagine the Tony Stark fiddling over a pencil sharpener.”

“The man can’t follow a set of instructions for his life. Iron Man insisted he was right and the little motor almost blew because he put the gears in the wrong places and the blades upside down,” you giggled, remembering the way you hid behind a pillow when it started to screech. In that moment, Peter took a better look at you and smiled wider, suddenly feeling inexplicably comfortable with you. The rest of the flight, you passed the time by talking about Star Wars and other interests you shared going beyond the sci-fi galaxy, and you became inseparable even after the events in Berlin.

-8 Years Later-

A lot had changed since that jet ride. Since the fight in Berlin, the Avengers disbanded and went their separate ways, you enrolled as a junior at Midtown School of Science and Technology, Spiderman became New York’s favorite local crime fighter, and Thanos came and wiped out half of the universe. You and Peter died in space, your true feelings and goodbyes lost with you as you dusted away. You both returned five years later only to lose Tony Stark, father and mentor. The year that followed was difficult, the loss of your father weighing down on both of you. You stopped talking about the things that made you happy, like Star Wars and sketching, and focused on the somber aspects of life. The world fell on both your shoulders and the most support you had was each other. When you went on the class trip to Europe, all you wanted was a chance to enjoy life experiences as a teenager again.

Quentin Beck almost stole that opportunity away from you when he brought the Elementals to life as pieces in his revenge plot. He would have killed you and ruined your trip if it hadn’t been for your best friend in the spider suit. By the end of the trip, Peter had saved you, and he made the trip worth it when he gave you a bracelet with a glass shooting star charm and confessed his feelings for you, sharing a gentle kiss on the bridge.

Life went on when you came home, but things became manageable. Stark Industries was rising again, you were finding your place in your family, and senior year finally came, much to everyone’s relief. To top it all off, Peter was with you through it all, not only as your best friend and fellow crime fighting superhero, but as your loving and supportive boyfriend. As the year started coming to a close, you noticed that MJ and Betty had been adamant about keeping you busy everyday afterschool. Between decathlon leadership meetings, student council sessions, and emergency study groups, you stopped walking home with Peter and the guilt started eating at you. 

One afternoon with the girls, you let out a frustrated huff and threw Betty a wide eyed glance of disbelief.

“Betty, we went over this concept yesterday! I thought you were feeling better about it?” 

“I was, but then Dr. Gammon did a few problems in class and I got lost again,” your friend justified, twirling her hair with her fingers as she focused on the book before you. Quickly glancing at your phone, you let out a sigh. You had been studying for hours and the sun would be going down soon, a late night patrol waiting for you. 

“MJ, can you give this a shot? Maybe you can explain it better,” you asked as you checked your phone notifications. Nothing.

“Sure. Let me see-”  she was cut off by a chime coming from her phone. Lightening fast, she pulled her phone out and proceeded to stand in the middle of the room, typing furiously. You found it odd that she paused so suddenly, but brushed it off as you started to pack your bag.

“I should get going, so I’ll see you guys-”

“Wait!” MJ shouted, her head snapping up suddenly. You were taken aback by her volume and gave her a worried look. You could see her look at Betty from the corner of her eye. “There’s something I want to talk to you about before you go.”

“Oh…okay,” you replied, setting your bag back down on the floor. “What is it?” She came over and sat beside you on the bed.

“Has everything been alright?” You tilted your head, mildly confused by the question.

“I…guess. Why?”

“You just seem on edge all the time. Stressed almost,” she pressed a bit. You shrugged.

“Well, there’s been a lot going on. We keep having decathlon leadership stuff-”

“We have to train the new kids before we go,” MJ pointed out gently.

“Right, but I think they’re ready. They seem tired of us nagging them. One of these days, Daisy’s going to actually stab herself instead of looking like she wants to. And student council keeps having pointless meetings-”

“We have to finalize all of the end of the year activities and their details,” Betty defended herself, her attention on the two of you.

“We did not need to spend an hour on choosing the balloon colors for the senior banquet. We ended up with blue and gold like we’d originally planned anyways!”

“I guess I was asking more if everything is alright outside of school,” MJ redirected, shooting Betty a tiny glare.

“…I feel like I’m so busy with school that I’ve barely gotten any one-on-one time with Peter.” You missed the glance they gave one another. “I just feel like such a bad girlfriend, ya know? And I think he’s mad at me over it. He’s been avoiding me in between classes and he hasn’t texted me in days-” MJ’s chime interrupted you again. As you continued, she was fixated on the message, typing back immediately and you felt so betrayed. “MJ, this is serious!” She seemed to have sent her message because she snapped her head back up and looked at you with sorry eyes.

“Sorry. But I’m sure everything’s okay. Has he asked you to prom yet?” At the mention of the dance, you let out a pained groan and threw yourself back in the bed, your heart aching a bit from disappointment

“No, he hasn’t. He’s been avoiding me, remember?”

“Maybe he’s waiting for the right moment,” Betty reassured. Before you could respond, your phone started to ring, Peter’s contact picture popping up. “Take it as a sign of good luck,” she winked before returning to her work. You reluctantly picked up the call, putting the speaker to your ear.

“Peter?”

“Hey! What are you up to right now?” You let out a small sigh of relief. He sounded excited rather than upset or on edge.

“Studying with Betty and MJ. I was actually about to head out,” you replied, grabbing your bag again and packing the last of your things as he spoke.

“Listen, I know you have patrol tonight, but would you like to come over for dinner?” You looked at the time and sighed, knowing it would be late when you left the Parker household.

“I don’t know, Pete-”

“May’s making your favorite.” He was trying to be convincing and to your dismay, it was working. You bit your lip, thinking the offer over. “Please, y/n? I miss you.” His words tugged at your guilty heart and you caved, practically hearing his pout.

“Okay. I’ll head over now.”

“Great! See you soon!” He was quick to hang up much to your surprise. Glancing back at the girls, you shrugged at their expectant stares.

“He seems to be in a good mood, so maybe it’s not so bad,” you said gently, trying not to let yourself get too excited.

“Shouldn’t you be leaving? He’s expecting you,” Betty encouraged, waving you off.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“We’ll manage. Get out of here, y/n. Before Peter comes to grab you,” MJ teased, giving you a friendly nudge as you finally shouldered your bag. Giving them one last goodbye, you headed out, a bit of pep in your step as you thought of spending some time with Peter. Quickly climbing up the apartment stairwell, you paused in front of their door and gently took the note that was left taped up. Y/n, it read. I had to run out to grab some things for dinner tonight. Let yourself in. Peter should be in his room. You saw May’s signature at the bottom and gently opened the door, quickly closing the door behind you. The living room would have been pitch black if not for the tea lights creating a path on the floor. Confused by the detail, you slowly followed them down the hall, your footsteps creaking on the wood. The lights stopped in front of Peter’s closed door, so you instinctively knocked and winced at the harshness of the sound. When you opened the door, your eyes went wide, simply standing in the frame as the door opened wider. In front of his windows, you saw a sheet with swirling galaxy projections on it, the stars shining all over the walls and ceiling. They lit the room enough for you to see Peter standing in the middle of the empty room with a rose in his hands. Before you could say anything though, he sidestepped and got down on one knee to reveal a life size legos replica of R2D2 holding a sign with your name on it. Stepping closer, you gasped and covered your mouth with your hands.

“Out of all the girls in the Galaxy, Yoda Obi-Wan for me,”  Peter said out loud. “It’s been a rough few years for us, but you didn’t leave me Solo and you saved me from the Dark Side. I may not be a Skywalker, but y/n?”

“Yes?” you answered giddily, anticipation rising as he turned the sign over.

“Will you BB my d8 to prom?” he asked, word for word vocalizing the sign’s message. Unable to keep the smile off your face, you nodded quickly and waited for him to rise to his feet before launching yourself into his arms and hugging him tightly.

“Of course I will, Peter!” you whispered excitedly, your face pressing into his neck. Your eyes were prickling slightly with tears from the sheer joy as you felt him press kisses to the top of your head. You pulled back just enough to gently raise your hands to his cheeks and look him in the eyes. “I would love to go to prom with you.” His hand rose to rest against the nape of your neck, gently twirling your hair and drawing circles on your skin. He leaned in and sweetly pressed his lips to yours. When you pulled apart a few moments later, he leaned back slightly, arms wrapping around your waist.

“Did you get all of this, Karen?”

“Video saved.” Realizing he had recorded your moment, you jokingly hit his shoulder and shot him an incredulous look. “Sorry, but MJ and Betty would kill me if they didn’t get to see this.” At the mention of their names, your jaw dropped.

“Wait a minute, they were in on this?”

“And Ned. Once R2D2 got too big to hide easily, I asked for his help to assemble it and begged them to keep you busy.” The cheeky tone in his voice made you scrunch your nose and you tried to process his words, but shook your head.

“Too big to...how long have you been planning this?” Pulling the rose out from behind you, he pulled you in closer and offered it to you.

“Since that day in London. When we survived the whole Beck thing and kissed on the bridge, I promised you that I would ask you to prom and it would be out of this world.”

“But you never promised me anything. Up until your call earlier, I thought you were upset with me and I didn’t think you were going to ask.”

“It was still a promise to you, whether you knew it or not,” he whispered. You took the rose from him and smiled shyly, carefully dipping your nose into the petals to smell the flower.

“That was an awful lot of work for a promposal,” you teased quietly, your eyes gazing up at him through your eyelashes.

“You’re worth it.” Pressing a quick kiss to your lips one more time, he pulled you into a hug. Your heart swelled as you nuzzled into him, only for your happy thoughts to be interrupted by Karen.

“Peter, what should I do with the video?”

“Save it and send it to MJ, Betty, Ned, and May.”

“Okay. Video sent.”

“Speaking of May, where is she?” you asked, not bothering to pull away from the embrace.

“She went to grab some carryout from that Thai place you love. She should be back-” Suddenly, you heard the front door open and the lights turned on in the living room, glowing down the hall.

“I’m so happy she said yes!” May squealed as you heard her struggling with the bags of food.

“Right about now,” Peter chuckled. He pulled away and went to walk around you, but a thought occurred to you and you reached for his arm.

“Hey Pete?” He looked back at you. “Where’s all your furniture? The room’s empty.” He awkwardly scratched the back of his neck.

“It’s a funny story actually. Scott helped me shrink it all for the promposal, so everything’s in a basket in my closet. Don’t worry though; I have until midnight before everything grows back to normal size.” Shaking your head in disbelief, you simply slid your hand into his and followed him into the living room.

Dinner with the Parkers that night was great. May made a few embarrassing comments and flustered both of you, but it was just her way of showing her excitement. As you would find out the next day when the video played on a loop during Betty’s school news coverage, your friends loved to show their support through embarrassment too. Did you still love them though? Of course. You had so many people who loved you and you were grateful for them, even when they were at their weirdest. As Peter dorkily pointed out, you were Wookie to have them.

[soupyboysforlife]

The Little Angel

Summarry: An AU where Dean transfers to Castiel’s school. They quickly fall in love with each other but keep those feelings hidden out of fear that they won’t be reciprocated. Dean winds up in a terrible accident and goes into a comatose state in which Cas cares for him anonymously. 

This fic was inspired by the song Class Clown by Anthony Amorim.

-----

Chapter 1

An attractive boy with black hair sat in the back corner of the semi-crowded class. He was staring out a nearby window. There was a look of disinterest shrouded on his slightly stubbly face. He was the first thing Dean noticed as he walked into the noisy and crowded class. Some students looked his way when he entered the classroom. The teacher cleared his throat to introduce the new student. They quickly silenced, turning to the front to face the pair. Dean was nervous but he smiled at them confidently. He was used to moving around and going to new schools. Dean’s gaze wandered over the other students before returning to the attractive boy who hadn’t bothered looking towards the front. 

“Everyone I’d like you to meet Dean Winchester,” the teacher said, gesturing towards Dean, “Please take a seat.”

Dean sat in the empty seat in front of the boy hoping to strike up a conversation. Before he got the chance some other kids by him started to introduce themselves. Dean introduced himself to them.

--

Castiel’s morning had been uneventful as usual. He didn’t have any friends in his first-class today. Instead of gossiping about the new kid, he stared out the window listening to the hushed whispers of girls debating about what he would look like. Cas finally glanced at the front of the classroom when Mr. Shurley cleared his throat. By his side was a boy. His eyes were scanning the students. Cas looked back out the window. Sure the boy was cute but Cas had no intention of talking to him. Not at the moment at least.

Mr. Shurley introduced him, “Everyone I’d like you to meet Dean Winchester. Please take a seat.”

The name registered in the back of Cas’s head just in case he needed to know it. Cas only moved when Dean sat down in front of him. He looked at him in surprise. There were a lot of other empty seats in the classroom. He dismissed the thought creeping up in his head. Cas’s heart was beating quickly. 

After Dean was done talking to the other people in front of him he turned around and smiled. 

He was even cuter up close. Cas tried his hardest not to blush, though he was sure some of the heat made it to his cheeks. Dean had beautiful green eyes that were crinkled with his perfect smile. His cheek and jawbones were sharp. There was a light sprinkle of freckles brushing his face. 

“Hi, I’m Dean,” he said, reaching out his hand for a handshake.

“I know. I’m Castiel.” Cas responded as he gingerly shook the other boy’s hand. Sparks. He must have imagined that.

“Castiel, huh?  Weird name” Dean said with a slightly confused look on his face.

“Yeah, like the angel. My family’s religious.” Cas shrugged.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Cas.” Dean said with a wink before turning back to the front of the class as Mr. Shurley began the lesson.

Cas was sure his face was as red as a tomato. He spaced out for the rest of the day, thinking of the green eyes and calloused skin that belonged to the new kid.

And so the crush began.

--

“Cas’’ a whisper.

That smile.

“Cas.” slightly louder.

Those green eyes.

“Cas!” a yell, this time he was being shaken.

Cas had been lost in his thoughts of Dean Winchester. He finally snapped back to reality. Gabriel, Castiel’s best friend, was shaking his arm.

“Dude, you okay? What’s wrong?” Gabe asked.

“N-nothing.” Cas managed to get out.

“Is it the new kid? Did he hurt you?” Gabe interrogated, this time with a look of concern and rage.

“No! Nothing like that.” Castiel assured him. It had been a couple of weeks since Dean had transferred to their school. He’d started a few weeks after the second semester began. Cas had noticed the air getting warmer. Spring was on its way along, bringing along Promposals and a new set of gossip.

“Well, what the-” Gabriel started, his face quickly changed from confusion to realization, “Ooooh. You like him.”

Cas’s only response was his face turning a light pink. Gabriel and most other students at Heaven’s Gates High had known that the blue-eyed boy was gay for years. His sexuality wasn’t a secret. Luckily, no one seemed to care about it. 

“D’aw, you two would make the cutest couple.” Gabe teased, earning a glare from Cas, “You should ask him to prom.”

Somehow that thought made Castiel’s face impossibly redder. He glanced over to where Dean was sitting with some of the school jocks. He was laughing at a joke one of them made. Dean made eye contact, making Cas look away quickly. Heat radiated from his cheeks as he felt the green eyes staring at him. Instead of looking back he turned to Gabe and leaned his head on the table.

“I can’t. He’s probably straight, even if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be interested in me.” Cas sighed sadly.

“Don’t beat yourself up, Cas. I’m sure he’d like you if he wasn’t straight. Hell, I would like you if I was gay.” Gabriel stated with complete confidence, making Castiel chuckle.

“Thanks, I think,” Cas answered.

“Anytime,” Gabe reassured him.

That conversation helped Cas get through the rest of the day with a relatively peaceful mindset.

--

It had been a few weeks since Dean had started at the new high school. He was already pretty popular, though he doubted that he’d be able to maintain the popularity for much longer. That’s how it has been so far in his high school career. This was his, 4th? Maybe 5th high school. Luckily, this was his senior year and he wouldn’t have to worry about school much longer. His plan was to pass high school and carry on the family business. 

Dean’s thoughts made their way back to the group of jocks he was sitting with. Dean was relatively good at football. He had just joined the school's team and was now attempting to bond with some of the players. One of them, Benny, had just made a joke. Dean hadn’t been paying attention to it but he laughed anyway.

He felt the hair on the back of his neck rise. Sensing a pair of eyes watching him, he quickly scanned the lunchroom. He quickly found the source. It was Castiel, the cute boy from his pre-calc class. Dean quickly decided to take a shot at flirting from a distance, but the other boy had already looked away. Dean’s face fell a little. He sat, staring in disappointment for a moment longer, hoping the blue-eyed boy would look at him again. When he didn’t Dean rejoined his teammates’ conversation with an awkward chuckle. 

Lunch was over too quickly but he only had one more class for the day. 

Dean never paid attention in Economics. It had to be the most boring class that he had. Lucky for him it wasn’t hard to distract himself from the seemingly eternal boringness of the class. His eyes dragged across the board at the front of the room. They picked out every small detail, eventually coming to a stop at the date on the edge of the board. Wednesday, February 12th. Two more days before the weekend. He sighed in defeat. The only thing he had to look forward to was pre-calc in the morning. Dean’s mind wandered to the handsome boy who sat behind him. 

A smile crept along Dean’s face as he thought of the details on the boy's face. How he turned pink when they saw each other. 

Dean imagined cornering the smaller boy, trapping him between Dean’s body and the wall. He pictured those perfect blue eyes staring up at him innocently as he leaned down and pressed his lips against the plump, pink ones. Moistening the chapped lips with his tongue. Maybe he’d run his hands along the boy’s hips and back. Kissing the scruff along his jaw and neck. Fingers slowly exploring every nook and cranny of-

Fuck

Dean shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He took a few deep breaths. His mind searched for other things to think about. 

Dean heard the chair behind him squeak over the monotone script of his teacher. 

“Hey, Dean.” a low voice said behind him with a nudge to his shoulder, “You going to Adam’s party?”

He turned his eyes and head slightly to put a name to the voice. It was Kevin.

“Dunno man, when is it?” Dean responded.

“This weekend. You gotta ride?” 

“Yeah man, text me the address,” Dean said. Maybe he’d be able to pick up a chick or two to take his mind off the blue-eyed boy for a while. Dean’s cell phone pinged with the texted address.

“Thanks.” Dean smiled.

-

The next day Dean stumbled, tiredly, into his pre-calc class. Usually, he didn’t arrive so early but his Dad had an early meeting and a busted tire, so he and his little brother, Sammy, were dropped off at school early. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. Finally noticing how empty the room was. The only people there were Castiel and Mr. Shurley. Cas was at his desk using his hands as a pillow. While Mr. Shurley graded some papers.

“You’re here early, Mr. Winchester.” the older man commented without looking up from his papers.

“Uh, yeah. My dad had an early meeting and had to borrow my car.” Dean responded with a chuckle.

This time Mr. Shurely looked up from the paper and folded his hands before answering. “I don’t recall asking. Now have a seat. I need to finish grading these.” He gestured towards Dean’s desk before going back to his writing. He made his way to the desk in front of the boy. 

Cas still had his head resting on his hands. Upon closer inspection, Dean realized he was asleep. Cas’s back was rising and falling steadily under the large, blue-grey sweatshirt he was wearing. Dean leaned a little over his desk while putting his bag down to look at Castiel’s face. His usually blue eyes were closed gently. His long lashes reached for the bags resting under them. Dean’s eyes wandered down towards the man's plump, chapped lips. They were slightly parted. A small trickle of drool ran out from between them, getting caught in the light stubble on his jaw before trickling onto the back of his hand. A light snore emitted from the parted lips with every breath.

Dean smiled and let out a small chuckle at the sight. He had to force down the temptation to reach out and wipe away the spittle. Dean’s chair creaked loudly when he sat down making him wince. Castiel immediately sat up. His ocean blue eyes looked dazed from sleep. They stared directly at Dean for a while, not fully registering what was happening. Dean felt his face start to heat up as he tried to hold back a laugh. Cas made a sudden gasp of realization. His eyes cleared and widened as his cheeks began to turn pink. He wiped the drool from his cheek and ran out of the classroom.

Dean sat, unmoved, at his desk. Wondering if that actually happened. He chuckled to himself as he thought of the other boy’s messy bedhead and dazed out, sleepy face. If that wasn’t relatable he wasn’t sure what was. 

Mr. Shurley let out a ‘tsk’ of annoyance as Castiel ran out of the room. Dean stooped down and unzipped the front pocket of his bag, grabbing some cash from it before zipping it back up. He stood and walked out the door. Dean tugged on the bottom of his ridden up T-shirt as he wandered down the hall to the Cafeteria. His eyes quickly scanned the lunchroom in search of some kind of vending machine. He finally spotted one and bought two Gatorades. One was purple, the other light blue. He wandered haphazardly around the halls, looking for Castiel. He gave up after a few minutes and went back to the classroom. It had a few more kids in it then before but it was still pretty empty. Dean looked over towards his desk. He smiled when he saw Castiel sitting in the desk behind his. Cas looked a little more cleaned up. His hair was more controlled and his eyes were more alert. The dribble remains from his nap earlier had been washed away. Upon seeing Dean his face grew red once again as he tried to sink into his seat further to hide from view. Dean chuckled. Damn, this boy was cute. 

Once he reached his desk and sat down he turned around. Castiel had his long sleeves pulled up to his fingertips. He held his hands in front of his eyes in embarrassment.

“Hey, sleeping beauty.” Dean teased, hoping for a reaction out of the other boy, “I got you something.”

He set down the two bottles on Cas’s desk. Cas peeked out from behind his hands curiously before reaching out and taking the purple Gatorade with a muttered thanks. He struggled to open it for a second and Dean hid his smile by taking a sip of his own Gatorade. He smacked his lips loudly and inspected the bottle, wishing they sold something stronger. They sat in silence for the rest of the class.

Stand by for part 2!

[yespleasetommyshelby]

Need you now ~ Jay Halstead

An imagine based on the song ‘Need you now’ by Lady Antebellum - I kind of got lost in this one, it’s a tad long... feel free to send requests :)

‘Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor, reaching for the phone cause I can’t take it anymore...’

Sighing I look down at the broken photo frame on my bedroom floor, six pictures all showing the smiling faces of a couple perfectly in love, not knowing that a few months down the line it’ll just be memories. Jay Halstead, the most kind, thoughtful, loving man I had ever set my eyes on, a detective for Chicago PD, the guy who caught my eye the minute I walked into the little bar my uncle owns. We would have been together a whole year today, if only it hadn’t all gone wrong.

He was working a case involving prostitutes that we’re being sold into human trafficking they caught the guys at the head of the gang he changed that night and he hadn’t been the same since, that was three months ago, and it’s been a month since the night that it all fell down.

“All we ever do is argue Jay! Ever since that case it’s only been arguing!” I yell pointing my finger at Jay as tears slowly made their way down my face.

“You don’t understand y/n! You don’t know the things I saw, things that nobody should ever have to see!” He yelled back his fists balled up at his sides, his eyes sparkling with tears that he’s holding back.

“You’re right Jay, I don’t know what you see in your job, but I do know that you made a promise. You promised that no matter how bad the job got you wouldn’t let it come inbetween us.” I said quietening down to normal speaking volume.

I sighed turning around and walking into his bedroom grabbing my small duffel bag that was under his bed and haphazardly throwing the stuff I had left there into it, furiously wiping away the tears that refused to stop.

“What are you doing?” His pained voice came from behind me. Picking up the bag I turned round slowly only to be met by his bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks. “Please don’t go.” He begged quietly looking down at the ground.

“I’m sorry Jay, but you need to get your head on straight before we can even think about being together.” I said placing my hand on his cheek briefly before walking away to the front door, turning and taking one last look as he stood in the hall watching me. “I love you Jay Halstead, and I always I will.” I whispered quietly but loud enough for him to hear me, opening the door I barely heard his faint whisper before I closed it and walked away.

“Please don’t leave me.”

The sudden ping from my phone recieveing a message brought me out of my reminiscing, looking down I noticed that it was 8:30pm, right around the time Jay would be getting home. Shaking my head I looked at the message to see it was from Adam, one of Jays friends from work, I’d met the whole team and had become pretty close with Adam and Kim.

Adam - Hey, the teams heading over to Molly’s, everyone would love to see you, especially Kim. We’ll see you there y/n.

Sighing I put my phone down, I miss them, of course I do, but I know that he’ll be there and I can’t bring myself to face him. Looking back at my phone I didn’t realise I had another message, this one from Kim.

Kim - Hey, I know Adams already asked but I just wanted you to know that Jay’s a mess, he hasn’t been the same since that day, please talk to him.

Feeling the tears slipping down my cheeks once again I slowly pulled myself up and climbed into bed. I can’t call him, not yet.

‘And I wonder if I ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time..’

Lying in bed I couldn’t help but to think about the first time I’d met Jay, it was at Molly’s the bar that my uncle owned with two of his fellow firefighters. I had just moved back from New York after finishing my degree, and according to Uncle Chris Molly’s was just the right place for a celebration.

“Hey Matt, who’s that?” I asked noticing a guy sending me a small flirty smile as I sat at the bar with Matt, a man who is just like an uncle along with most of the other guys at the firehouse.

“Who? Oh that’s Jay Halstead, he’s a detective at the 21st.” He answered sharing flirty winks and smiles at Gabby who was serving at the other end of the bar. Yuck.

“The same district as that Voight guy?” I asked knowing that they had some kind of problem a while back.

“Yeah, but thats in the past now, besides, Jay’s a good guy.” He smiled holding his beer up as a greeting as Jay walked over.

“Hey Casey, who’s this?” He asked sending me what was more of a smirk than a smile.

“Jay this is y/n, niece of Herrmann. Y/n this is Jay detective at the 21st, anyway, I’ll be back in a minute.” He introduced distractedly as he stood up from his stool and followed Gabby into the back room. Okay, their seriously like horny teenagers.

“So, it’s nice to meet you y/n niece of Herrmann.” Jay smiled sitting down on what was Matt’s stool, holding his hand out for me to shake.

“It’s nice to meet you too Jay detective at the 21st.” I giggled taking his hand in mine, and as they say, the rest was history.

Wiping away the tears I grab my phone seeing that the time is now 10pm, I’d wasted an hour and a half thinking about Jay, I doubt he even thinks about me anymore. Although that doesn’t make it any easier to not think about him.

‘Another shot of whisky, can’t stop looking at the door... Wishing you’d come sweepin’ in the way you did before...’

*Jay’s POV*

“Hey Gabby, can I get another one?” I slurred slightly as I held up my empty shot glass for her to see.

“Sure you’ve not had enough detective?” She asked with a raised eyebrow as she poured the drink.

“Nope.” I said bluntly before lifting the glass to my mouth, the sour liquid slightly burning my throat.

“Jay man, you gotta slow down.” Adams voice came from beside me as he took a seat on the stool next to me. “I text her, and so did Kim, you know those two are like sisters, she’ll come man.”

“You know, this is the place I met her, it was at yours and Kim’s engagement drinks, she came in with Casey and Severide, she was sat right here, I was over there.” I said pointing over to the table where the rest of intelligence were sat. “She looked me right in the eye and gave me a breath taking smile, I was hooked man.” I said smiling slightly as I looked over at the door remembering that night, hoping she’d walk through any second.

“To Adam and Kim!” We all cheered as we raised our glasses before downing the shots.

Just as I placed my glass back on the table Casey and Severide caught my attention, well not them exactly, but the woman they were with. She was wearing a short black dress with a heart shaped cut out over her chest, her y/h/l y/h/c curled slightly so that it bounced when she walked. I watched as Severide walked away leaving her and Casey sitting at the bar when she caught my eye, she held eye contact for a few seconds before she gave me a small smile, a smile that while I didn’t know it at the time, would be the view I loved to see the most.

“Go talk to her man.” Kevin nudged me in the side slightly obviously noticing the girl that had my attention.

“Nah man, she’s probably with Severide, she came in with him and Casey.” I shrugged slightly feeing disheartened that I may not get to know this girl.

“She’s single you know.” Kim spoke up nodding over to the girl. “She was at the firehouse the other day when Voight sent me over, she someone’s niece I think.” She shrugged going back to her conversation with Adam.

“Go get her man.” Antonio laughed shoving me slightly, taking a breath I walked over and Casey introduced us before he left to go find Gabby, I’ve still got to thank him for introducing me to the best person to come into my life for a long, long time.

“She’ll come man, you just gotta wait.” Adam said patting my shoulder before walking back over to the team.

Nodding my head slightly I pulled my phone out of my jacket pocket, 0 messages, 0 calls, and it’s already 10pm, looking down I stared at my home screen for a few seconds, a picture of me and her the night that I asked her to be my girlfriend. I miss her so damn much.

‘It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now... I said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now...’

*y/n POV*

My phone pinging next to my head on the pillow woke me up from my not so deep sleep, reaching around in the dark to find it, it takes my eyes a few seconds to adjust before reading the text.

Kim - He’s been sat at the bar since we got here, he’s waiting for you.

There was a picture attached, a picture of Jay sitting at the bar in Molly’s on his own, empty beer bottles in front of him. The picture alone made my heart break, checking the time I saw that it was 1am, picking up my phone I couldn’t help myself but to call Kim, I can’t face talking to him.

“Hello? Y/n?” Kim’s voice came through the speaker, along with laughing and faint music in the background.

“Hey Kim.” I smiled slightly just hearing her voice. “How is he?” I asked quietly.

“He’s bad y/n, he’s refusing to leave because he thinks you’re going to show up like how you did the first time you met or something, I’ve never seen him like this, he needs you.” She spoke sadly, pressing the switch in my head as I pulled myself out of bed and rushed over to my closet.

“Kim, listen, I’m on my way, but please don’t tell him I’m coming, just keep him there and safe, please.” I asked as I pulled out the dress I had worn the night we’d met. “I’ll there in ten.” I said hanging up quickly.

Almost ripping my pyjamas off I pulled my dress on and rushed into the bathroom to apply a bit of foundation and mascara before running a brush through my hair, that’ll have to do. Grabbing my leather jacket I walked out into the cold air, jumping in my car and rushing round to Molly’s.

I need him too.

‘It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now... I said I wouldn’t call, but I lost all control and I need you now...’

*Jay’s POV*

“She’s not coming man, let’s get you home.” Adam said as he came back over to the bar, shaking my head I checked the time 1.15am.

“She’ll be here.” I slurred as I nursed my eight beer of the night, not including however many shots I did.

“C’mon, I’ll drop you off-“ “No man, I’m not leaving this bar till she comes, I need her, now.” I raised my voice slightly cutting him off, still slurring as I looked over to the door where people were leaving.

“Alright, alright, we’ll wait with you.” Adam said raising his hands in surrender and walking back over to the rest of the team who were looking at me with worried eyes

Rolling my own I turned back to my phone, 0 calls and 0 messages. She’ll come, she has to. Not being able to help myself I pressed her number and listened to it ring before it went quiet. Voicemail great, maybe she really isn’t coming...

‘And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now...’

*Y/n POV*

As I sit in the car staring at the bar over the road I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking, this is it, all I’ve gotta do is walk in there and get him back, easy peasy... right? Shaking my head I opened the door and climbed out before making my way across the street, slowly pushing open the bars doors. As soon as I stepped foot inside I could feel all eyes on me, but mine never left him as he swirled his beer around in its bottle, looking over to the rest of intelligence I couldn’t help but smile slightly at the grins on all of their faces, Adam mouthing a quick ‘thank you’. Slowly I made my way over to Jay and took a seat on the stool besides him.

“Y/n, niece of Herrmann.” I said quietly watching the side of face, seeing how he turned confused before realisation suddenly took over.

“You came.” He whispered as he looked me up and down almost checking I was real. “I didn’t think you would come, I thought you hated me.” He said quietly, a lone tear falling from his eye, breaking the damn I had up, a slow flow of tears falling down my cheeks.

“Of course I came,” I started, wiping the tears from my face with a small laugh. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since the day I left. I love you so much Jay Halstead, I just need you to talk to me after a hard case, not keep it bottled up.” I said quietly reaching over and taking his hand in mine.

“I love you so much y/n, and I promise you, I will do everything in my power to make sure you have the best life anyone could ever ask for.” He said standing up and pulling me up with him, wrapping his arms around my waist as mine went around his neck.

“I’ll never let you go again.” He whispered before he placed his lips on mine, moving in perfect sync like we’d never been apart. Slowly moving away the sound of cheering got my attention, the rest of intelligence came over hugging and congratulating us.

“Sorry I’m not staying long, I just came to get him.” I smiled slightly as I looked over at Jay who was already watching me, a big smile on his face causing mine to grow.

“Come on loser, let’s go.” He laughed wrapping his arm around my shoulder pulling me to the exit.

“I will leave your ass here detective.” I joked snuggling into his side as we walked out of Molly’s saying goodbye as we went.

“You’re never leaving again.” He said stopping next to my car looking down at me seriously.

“I know baby, I missed you much.” I smiled sadly a single tear escaping which he wiped away with the pad of his thumb. “I love you Jay Halstead.”

“I love you more than you could ever know y/f/n y/l/n.”

‘Oh baby I need you now...”

[a-winchester-fairytale]

Secrets and Lies

Summary:  (Between S5 and S6)  Dean has no idea that his brother is alive, but when his sorrow awakens a vision - you do.

Warnings:  Lots of Angst, Dean feeling sad and lost, Soulless Sam

A/N:  Thank you for letting me join your Lie To Me challenge @stusbunker​ Hope you are having a wonderful birthday!!  When I read these lyrics, I immediately thought about Dean and the struggle he had with letting go of a hunter’s life with Sam to try and live a normal one.  I hope I did it justice.

I believe I’ve passed the age of consciousness and righteous rage I found that just surviving was a noble fight I once believed in causes too I had my pointless point of view And life went on no matter who was wrong or right ----Billy Joel

He looked tired, sitting there with that dark haired girl and little boy.  Their backs were to you, giving you the opportunity to watch him for a little while, his eyes looking down at the table in front of him.  He was listening to them, glancing up to their faces from time to time, but not really seeing them either.  There was something different about him – the fight gone from him somehow.

The last time you had seen him, he was fierce and the fire glowed behind his green eyes.  He was fearless, determined, strong, but still kind – just like his brother.  The man you saw sitting across the diner was broken, a stranger.

After a few minutes, they stood up and – after leaving some cash on the table – headed out the door.  His eyes met yours as he passed by your booth, but there was no sign that you registered as someone he once knew.  It was only for a brief moment anyway.  They had saved you from Lucifer – the brothers – almost a year ago now.   You had stayed with them for a month, until you started having nightmares about Sam and Lucifer and the answer he swore he would never give, but you knew he eventually would.  It had been the reason Lucifer was interested in you in the first place, your ability to see things that hadn’t yet happened.

It was a time in your life that you could never forget, but it was only one of thousands for them.  You understood that.  You asked the waitress for your check and started rummaging through your purse for some cash when you were startled.  Looking back up, you were once again locking eyes with Dean Winchester. 

“Hey.”  He said quietly, sitting down across from you.  “How have you been?”

“I didn’t think you recognized me.”  You said instead of answering him.  He just shrugged.

“I did, I just ….don’t say much about that stuff in front of them.”  He admitted, looking away.  “What are you doing here?”

“I live here….now.”  You answered.  “You?”

“Same, I guess.  I’ve been living with Lisa and Ben since….”  His voice dropped off just then.  “I work construction out at the yard on route 10.”  He added instead of finishing his original thought. 

He cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair and along the back of his neck, but he wouldn’t meet your eyes again.  “Lisa is taking Ben to some school thing tomorrow night.  I get off work around 7:00.  Do you want to have dinner?  It would be nice to catch up.”

“Sure.  I’ll meet you here?”  You asked.  Dean nodded, glancing up for just an instant as he stood.

“I better go.”  He quietly said before walking away. 

He didn’t know for sure why he did it.  Maybe he just wanted to be around someone that knew him and Sam before, maybe he just didn’t want to be alone with his own thoughts with Lisa and Ben out of the house, maybe he just wanted a friend that didn’t expect anything from him.

He loved Lisa, and Ben, but he knew he wasn’t himself.  Most of the time he was angry and felt like a failure.  He missed his brother, and he couldn’t live with the idea that Sammy was locked up with Lucifer inside of him – stuck in some hypothetical cage in hell.  Dean remembered hell all too well.  He still had nightmares about it, only now it was Sam’s face he saw in the flames instead of his own.

Some days it was all he could do just to keep going.  Most of the time, he could barely remember what they had done it all for.  It just wasn’t the same without Sam there.  Now, he knew he spent his days going through the motions, just trying to fake it enough to get by.

You went to the diner a little early the following day, feeling nervous for a reason you couldn’t put your finger on.  It was busy and you distracted yourself with watching the other patrons from a small corner table you had found empty when you arrived.  You smiled when you saw him walk into the diner, his face giving away his relief that you had actually come.

“How was your day?”  You asked as he joined you.

“Same as always.”  He answered with a shrug.  “Sorry, guess that one takes a little getting used to.”  He added when he realized he was being gruff.

“I can see where building houses would be mundane in comparison to what you are used to.”  You tried to joke with him and he chuckled, a light airy laugh.

“That’s the understatement of the year.”  He replied, the smile lingering on his lips.  It was the slightest hint of the Dean you remembered you had seen since you said goodbye all those months ago.

The two of you made light chatter while you waited for your food to appear, then maintaining the conversation as you ate.  Finally, Dean leaned back in the chair and studied your expression as he asked, “I’m guessing you don’t ask because you already saw it?”

“I don’t ask because, although you can tell me anything, you don’t owe me any explanations.”  You replied.

“Lisa tells me the same thing, but i know she thinks it would help to talk about it.”  His thoughts came flowing out without a conscious decision to speak the words.  “I can’t tell her the truth though, so I just don’t say anything at all.  I mean, how am I supposed to tell her that he said yes to Lucifer?”

“Not really pillow talk, is it?”  You muttered, biting down on your lip as soon as you did.  You glanced up at him nervously, but he didn’t get angry.  Instead he laughed, effortlessly this time.

“No, it’s not.”  He chuckled.  It felt good, but the sound was one he barely remembered.  “Did you know?”  He asked after a moment of silence.

You looked away and nodded.  “I knew he would say yes, but I didn’t know when or how it would end.”  

“Well, I wouldn’t say yes so Michael took our half brother Adam, Lucifer was winning the battle with Sam at first, we fought and Sam was able to get control long enough to pull them both into a hole in the ground.  Now they are in the cage.  Apocalypse avoided.”  Dean recounted, the sound of Sam’s name in his ears felt like someone punched him in the chest.

He glanced around the room before taking a flask from his jacket pocket and pouring some in the coffee he had barely touched.

“What about Castiel...and Bobby?”  

“Cas went back to Heaven I guess.  I haven’t seen him a while.  Bobby went back to Sioux Falls.  Sam made me promise to go to Lisa and try to leave that life behind, to be happy.  I think they just want to give me a chance to do that.”  He explained, rolling his eyes.

“But you’re not.”  You volunteered for him.  He smirked.

“Not really.  I try to be.  Sometimes I forget for a second and I am, but it doesn’t last.  I care about Ben, and Lisa tries so hard.”  He confided, shaking his head.  “I think I could love her, but something in me just won’t let me get there….at least not yet.”

You reached out, taking his hand in yours, ignoring the pang in your chest at the way he talked about Lisa.  He looked up to meet your eyes, surprised at the electricity he felt from your touch.

“This isn’t your fault, you know.”

There is was, the uncanny way you had of reading all the things he never said.  He knew your secret, that you got flashes of the future, but he also knew those flashes didn’t tell you what he was thinking and feeling deep down inside his heart.  He still couldn’t understand how you always seemed to see all of it.  

Dean didn’t say anything back.  He just watched as he turned his hand so he could wrap his fingers with yours.  He ran his thumb along the side of your hand gently.

“Give me your phone.”  You told him after a few minutes.  He blinked like you had shaken him back from a place far away.

Without questioning it, he let go of your hand to reach in his pocket and handed over his phone.  You entered your phone number into his contacts and handed it back.

“Now you can call me whenever you want to.  It would be nice to stay in touch with you this time.”  You told him.

“Yeah, it would.”  He agreed.

When it was almost time for the diner to close, you followed Dean out to the parking lot.  He surprised you by walking up to an older pickup and unlocking the driver’s door.

“Don’t tell me you traded your baby for the truck.”  

“Definitely not.”  He scoffed, faking offense at the idea.  “She’s been garaged.  It just didn’t feel right, you know?”

“I understand.”  you nodded.  It wasn’t surprising that he would have a hard time driving that car and looking over at the empty passenger seat after everything.

“I know you do.  You always have, although I still have no idea how.”  He told you, twirling the keys in his hand.  “I think that’s why I said all that stuff.  I haven’t said it to anyone else.”

“You can always tell me anything.”  You reminded him instead of telling him the reason was that you cared for him, and had since he pulled you out of the prison Lucifer was keeping you in.  How could you possibly tell him that now, after everything?  It didn’t seem fair.  Instead, you reached up and wrapped your arms around his shoulders.  

You felt him hug you back, holding you tighter than you expected.  You closed your eyes and smiled at the warmth you felt in his arms.  Although everything in his life had changed, you couldn’t stop from thinking that he still felt the exact same, still had the same smell.  You inhaled softly so he wouldn’t realize that you were trying to memorize it. 

The two of you said good night and you watched as he drove away.  You could feel his heartache in your own.  With a deep breath you turned and headed back to the apartment you were renting.

You flew up in the bed, your clothes soaked from sweat, your heart racing as you tried to catch your breath.  You reached over and flipped on the nightlight, swinging your legs over the edge of the bed and sipping on the water you had left sitting on the nightstand.

It had been months since you had a nightmare like that, one that you knew wasn’t just a dream but a vision.  You couldn’t make sense of it.  It was about Sam, but not.  At least not the Sam you remembered.  The Sam you remembered was kind, patient, empathetic.  The one in your vision was beating a cop on the side of the road and was riding with someone other than Dean.  For a moment you thought it might have been Lucifer and the thought sent shivers down your back.  Then you remembered the name listed on the police car and you knew you had to find out for sure.  You reached for the phone and called the airline to book a ticket to Rhode Island.

Arriving in Bristol immediately felt like a mistake.  You kept thinking to yourself that if what you saw really was Lucifer, you had to question your own sanity for purposely seeking him out.  You didn’t even know when that vision would actually take place.  The only thing you knew was that the only person you ever harbored feelings for was lost without Sam and if you could give that back to him, you knew you had to try anything.

You finally saw him the following day, heading through town with the same man you had seen him with in your dream.  You couldn’t help but notice the cut on his forehead and the slight rip in his shirt, convincing you that the assault you visioned had already happened - although neither of them seemed especially worried.

You followed them for a little while, trying to stay far enough away to avoid being noticed, but close enough to hear them planning the hunt.  They turned a corner, but when you did the same, neither of them were anywhere to be found.

You turned a couple of times, cursing under your breath before heading back out toward the street.  Suddenly, you felt someone grab you and shove you against the brick wall.

“Why are you tailing us?”  Sam’s voice boomed, his strong hands gripping your shoulders.

“I wasn’t sure it was you at first, Sam.”  You answered, nervously.

“Hey...I know you.”  Sam commented, his eyes squinting as he tried to remember.  He released his grip and took a step backward.  “Did we….?”  He asked, making a gesture that certainly didn’t leave anything to the imagination.

“What!?  No…”  You scoffed.

“Shame.”  He replied with a suggestive glance.

“What are you doing here, Sam?  And who is this guy?”  You asked, gesturing to his companion standing just out of earshot.  Something was definitely off about Sam, but you couldn’t quite figure out what was going on. 

“Hunting.  Didn’t you hear?  There are people behaving like spiders here.”  He answered.  “And that is my grandfather.”  He added matter-of-factly.

“I thought you didn’t have any family other than Dean.”  You asked.  Sam leaned his head back and rolled his eyes.

“Is that what this is about?  Dean?”  He asked you.  “Look, my brother is living the all american apple pie life he was meant to live with some girl he fell in love with and her kid.  No big deal, but there are still monsters to hunt, so that’s what I’m doing.”

“He thinks you’re dead!”  you exclaimed, glancing around and lowering your voice before finishing  “And sitting in hell with Lucifer and Michael.”

“I was….for a little while.  Now I’m back.”  He confirmed.

“Sam, how could you be so cavalier about this?”  you asked, confused.  Sam thought about it for a second.  He knew he was different than before he went into the pit, but so far different for him had been better.  He was stronger, faster, a better hunter.  He couldn’t allow you to make him feel like it was wrong to be any of those things.

“I’m not trying to be anything, but why should I go back and pull Dean out of a life he is happy in?  It’s what he wanted.”

“Because Dean’s not happy.  He will never be happy thinking his brother is dead.  You of all people should know that!”  You argued, but Sam merely shrugged.

“I’ll think about it.”  Was all he said, walking away.  You stared after him, too shocked to move.  You felt confident that he wasn’t Lucifer simply pretending.  If he had been, there would have been fury and manipulation.  This Sam wasn’t any of those things.  Instead, it was like he didn’t care about anything or anyone.  No real feelings, just indifference.

You couldn’t help but wonder if Dean wasn’t better off not knowing this version of his brother.  .  

As you pondered it all on the plane ride home, you glanced through all of the phone messages you had ignored from him while you were gone.

When you arrived back at your apartment, Dean was sitting on the porch outside.  “Are you okay?”  He jumped up and asked as soon as you got out of the cab.

“Dean, what are you doing here?  How did you even know where I lived?”

“Trust me, you aren’t that hard to find in this town.”  He teased.  “Sorry to just show up like this.  You didn’t answer and I guess I just started to get worried.  Old habits.”  He added with a grin.

“It’s ok.  I..um...had some family stuff to take care of, kinda last minute.”  You told him, opening the door and offering him to come inside.  Dean shook his head.

“I better not.”  He answered.  “I should probably get back.”

“I know I told you that I was going to be here for a while, but it doesn’t look like that is going to work out.”  You told him, almost as surprised at the words as he was.

You hadn’t planned to say it, but now that you had you felt like it was right.  You would never be able to keep a secret like that from him, seeing him hurting every day.  Besides, if Sam was right, and Lisa really was who Dean wanted, it would break your heart every single time you saw them together.  Better to let him go now.

“Are you sure?”  He asked and you nodded.

Dean took a few steps toward you until he was standing right in front of you.  He reached out, hugging you and you felt him sigh.

“Don’t be a stranger this time, okay.”  He whispered in your ear.  “I’ve said good-bye to so many people, you’d think it would get easier.”  He added, trying to lighten the darkness that fell between you.  

Slowly he pulled away and headed back to the truck, his shoulders a little lower and his steps seemed heavier.  

“Dean, your brother….”  You blurted out, but stopped yourself when he turned to face you.   “Your brother would want you to find a way to be happy.  I really hope that you do.”

“I know.  Maybe someday.”  He replied, getting in the truck and driving home.

Dean pulled into the driveway and sat in the truck for a few minutes, taking a couple of drinks from the bottle in his glove box.  He glanced around a couple of times, unable to shake the feeling that someone was watching.  Finally he shrugged it off to hunter’s paranoia and went in to sit down to dinner.  

“You okay?”  Lisa asked when he seemed particularly quiet.  Dean nodded.

“Yeah.”  He answered, turning his attention back to Ben.

Dean took a long drink from his glass, never noticing the shadow that stood just on the edge of the light, watching through the window - trying to decide if you were right or if his brother really was better off not knowing the truth

_____________________________________________________________

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[jawabear]

(6) A Lesson In Want (Maxwell Lord x Reader)

A/N: Welcome to the past. This part is set before and during the very first meeting. Sorry for any mistakes. Hope you enjoy!

Genre: Fluff, angst

Warnings: none, it gets a little sad at the end though, Pedro Pascal comes with his own warning

Summary: To put things simply, its the beginning of the end

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Epilogue

(Y/N) walked back into her room to see a black box at the foot of her bed and a new case file waiting for her on her pillow. She wouldn’t really call it a pillow, more like a slab of stone, that’s what her entire bed felt like but it’s what she had to live with. She reached for the file and read over the name of her next target.

MAXWELL LORD

“Ooh lucky, you get the handsome rich guy again” Mia giggled like a child from over her shoulder. (Y/N) didn’t answer, she remained silent as she skimmed over his information. It had the basics, his name, age, birthday, appearance, height, occupation etc, nothing she hadn’t read before in news articles about him, nothing to dissimilar to a few of her previous targets who also happened to be rich, stuck up, arrogant men. “My target is boring...” Mia pouted “I wanna go after the rich ones”

“It makes no difference if they’re rich or poor, they’re a target so why should it matter?” (Y/N) grumbled to her self as she looked into his dark eyes printed in the picture the was clipped to his file. They were interesting to say the least, dark and intriguing. She could hear Mia talking to her, but it was blurry in her ears, she was getting lost in Maxwell’s gaze, even though it was through a picture.

“-wouldn’t you agree (Y/N)?” Mia laughed. (Y/N) blinked rapidly, pulling herself from her trance and looked over to her friend.

“Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention to a single word you said” (Y/N) told her. She flicked through the pages and saw the list of events that he would be attending, the first one being that night. “I was doing something far more interesting”

“Well, that’s just mean” Mia whined as she folded her arms over her chest like a child. She turned her head from (Y/N), flicking her faded grey hair in her direction before slumping down on her bed, pulling the thin cloth, they would call a blanket, over her body.

“My first scoping is tonight so don’t wait up for me, I don’t know when I’ll be back” (Y/N) called as she stood from her bed and went to the box that had been placed at the foot of her bed, it was expensive looking but (Y/N) already knew what it was, a dress for her to wear. She opened the box and saw a dark blue dress, it was simple, like all of her dresses had ever been, she was in no position to need to stand out in a crowd. In fact she was to do the exact opposite, be seen by no one, only him. And that’s exactly what she planned to do. Everyone else at the Academy was impressed at just how easily she was able to hide in plain sight, she could stand in front of someone and the still probably wouldn’t notice her.

“It’s not like you to have sex on the first night (Y/N)” Mia said as she turned in her bed so she was now facing (Y/N). (Y/N) picked up the dress and walked over to the mirror in their room and held the dress against her body “who are you going as?” Mia asked in reference to her never ending list of covers that all had better lives then she did.

(Y/N) thought for a moment and looked over to the file that rested on her bed “I think I can tell Mr Lord’s type by the look in his eyes. I’ll go as myself”

Mia sat up slightly, shocked at her friend’s words “are you sure (Y/N)? Is that even allowed?”

“Of course it is. It doesn’t matter anyway. We’re ghosts remember? We could give our names to the CIA and they wouldn’t be able to find a damn thing on us” (Y/N) explained “I’ll be fine, it’s not like anyone else will want to talk to me other then him. That is, if all goes to plan”

“When does it not go to plan with you?” Mia questioned with a slight laugh. 

-

She managed to slip into the hall unnoticed, grabbing a drink from the tray of champagne in the doorway before weaving through the crowds. She would never stand in one place, she would take a different route with each circle of the hall that she did, standing in one place gave people a chance to talk to her, if she kept moving no one who bother her, unless she bothered them.

Her eyes scanned to room for Maxwell Lord, she had already memorised his face, and looking around at the mass of people, he wouldn’t be too difficult to pick out. He was a lot younger then the majority of people at that gathering, most of them in their late 50’s early 60’s or older, very few looked younger then that. Aside from a few girls she could spot in the arms of men. She wondered how many of them work in the same place she did.

The Academy was very strict, any woman who worked there was rarely able to mingle with anyone outside their roommate. (Y/N) wouldn’t have care to talk to people anyway, she much preferred to do her job and leave, she didn’t have time for friendship, Mia being the only exception. The Academy is an assassin organisation, unknown for obvious reasons, they take young orphan girls and train them to be master assassins of the richest and worst men in the city. Masters of disguise and seduction, their two greatest weapons. They’re taught that any man will fall to the feet of a beautiful woman if they talk the right way, and of course that what they do. Members of the Academy scratch rich names off one by one, they are told after every assassination that they are one step closer to cleansing the world of greed and corruption. Brainwashed into believing what they are doing is right, being denied any emotions towards a target, being denied any sort of emotion at all really. You can’t kill if you’ll feel guilty afterwards.

And (Y/N) was the best if the best. Aside from Mia, no other girl had met her, but they had heard stories. About how she had never failed a mission, about how strong she is, about how collected she is. Defiantly, she was the one to handle Maxwell Lord.

Ten minuets in to her being amongst the crowd, she spotted him. He was taking to a younger gentleman. Max wore a dark grey suit and a matching tie, he liked to match. For a while, she just stood back and watched him, she didn’t attempt to approach him just yet. He seemed engrossed in the conversation he was having, using hand gestures to emphasise his point. She was fascinated to know what was getting him so flustered. It was almost comedic to watch. But soon the show was over, he had calmed down and taken a large sip of his drink, his eyes moving from the man before him and looked around the room.

She hadn’t meant for him to find her so quickly but she was prepared nonetheless. His eyes seemed to widen slightly when they met hers, he dropped his glass from his lips and stared at her for a moment. She pulled her own glass to her lips and gave him a teasing look before turning into the crowd. She managed to find a quiet place and hoped that he had followed after her.

(Y/N) waited for a few moments and then he appeared. He looked calm and collected as she slowly approached her. “Excuse me” he spoke, his voice smooth and deep, not how she would’ve imagined it but she wasn’t complaining. He held his hand out to her “Maxwell Lord” he introduced.

She gave him a smile and gently shook his hand “(Y/N)” she said.

“Just (Y/N)?” He asked her as he removed his hand from her.

“For now” she said “what was getting you so flustered?” She asked him “made for quite a show”

“Some of these people don’t know how to properly run a business. I was trying to help him but he was adamant he knew exactly what he was doing” Max summarised.

“Ah, I see. And do you know exactly what you are doing?” She asked him.

“What I’ve been doing seems to have done me well so far. So I would say I do”

“Of course. I should’ve known not to ask such a question, the great Maxwell Lord clearly has everything under control. Any one would be lucky to gain advice from him” he couldn’t help but notice a hint of mockery in her voice as she spoke to him.

“Are you mocking me?” He asked her. If anyone else had spoken to him the way she just did, he would’ve destroyed them, but something about her just drew him in further, like he was happy to be mocked her. Her sheer beauty was mocking his very existence.

“Defiantly not” she shook her head “quite the opposite, I was complimenting you” she took a sip of her drink and raised an eye brow at him “surely you are familiar with the term compliment” she teased “I can’t imagine you are unused to hearing them in your position. You must have to shell out quite a fortune to keep the line if kind words flowing your way”

“I’ll have you know Miss (Y/N), any words that come my way, good or bad, are completely free. Unlike most people here tonight I accept criticism, it makes you a better person in my opinion”

“I somehow find that hard to believe. You don’t strike me as a very gracious looser”

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve never lost”

She let out a chuckle as she finished off her drink and rested it in the table behind her. “Well, Mr Lord, seems we both have that in common. But there is always a first time for everything. I have a feeling we may be meeting more often, so, until next time Mr Lord” she gave him a seductive smile and a soft wink before seamlessly disappearing into the crowd.

Max put his own empty glass down and followed after her, he wasn’t prepared to have her slip away so quickly, but even following in her exact footsteps he had lost her. He must’ve looked like an idiot, his head flicking in every direction looking for her but she had vanished. He let out a low growl of frustration and swore to himself in that moment that she was to be his.

(Y/N) lay beside his sleeping figure. He looked so at peace. A few stray pieces of his usual neat blonde hair had fallen from their place. She gently brushed them away from his face. She often thought of their first meeting, she often thought of every meeting after that too. She often thought of him. Everything about him. His soft hair. His beautiful, warm eyes. His voice. His body. The way he touched her, the way he spoke to her, they way he smiled at her. They way he made her feel.

She had to finally admit to herself that she was in love with him, she tried to push it down but the longer she was with him, the more she forgot herself, the more she fell for him. And she didn’t want to stop. She loved the feeling he hand planted inside her. She loved the warmth that spread through her body whenever he looked at her, whenever he touched her. She was in love with him and she knew she shouldn’t be. But she couldn’t help herself. This was the first time she had felt love and it was completely consuming her.

And being with him in that moment certainly didn’t help. His arm loosely around her waist, his mouth hanging slightly open as he let out soft snores. She wanted to snuggle into his chest, wrap both his arms around her and just stay pressed against him until the end of time, but the low buzzing in her ear stopped her from them. The noise from the earpiece signalled that she was to return back. She let out a quiet sigh and slowly slipped out of his hold. She immediately felt cold. She could’ve just slipped back into bed with him and ignored her job but she couldn’t, she wouldn’t be able to.

She was quick to put on her clothes and make a silent escape from his home that she had come to love. She had left him another note, thanking him for helping her relax in the bath and being so open with her about his past love. As she walked down his drive way she glanced back at his house, up into his bedroom window. She didn’t know why, she wasn’t expecting him to be in there, but for some reason she hoped he would be, but he wasn’t.

Once she had returned back to her room she flopped down into her solid mattress, a complete contrast to the comforting softness of Max’s mattress. She longed to be back in his bed, to have the thick covers over he body rather then the stupidly thin blanket she did have. To sink into his feather mattress, rather than be in pain from sleeping in her slab of rock. But mostly to have him beside her.

What she wouldn’t give to be able to just spend one entire night with him, to sleep soundly for once, and then to wake up next to him, to see the sun peek through his curtains and cast its golden light over his body, making him glow like some sort of god from the heavens. She would give anything to have a chance at that. Not that she had much to give. So, for now, she would have to be content in what time she did have in his arms. And god knows she was grateful for it, because she knew he didn’t have much time left. 

23/04/20

[defellz]

Loving Enemies // Hwang Hyunjin

♤ word count - 7,9k

♤ genre - enemies to lovers AU, bad neighborhood AU

♤ warnings - bad language bby

To you moving hadn't ever been something you could have imagined. Your dad had an amazing, well-paying job that seemed to be stable throughout the years. But with the change of management in the company, many of the workers lost their job. Your dad was, sadly, one of them.

Your new home was two hours away from your familiar area, a different town, different people, a different school which you were not ready to change. Without any goodbyes to your friends, you were sat in the passenger seat next to your dad in the moving van, which he had rented with the money he still had left.

You weren't mad at him. Heck, you were thankful he was able to find a replacement for his job, but it didn't pay that well. Late hours as a grocery store manager didn't live up to his previous title. ''Lead manager of the economics branch'' now that sounds fancy and respectful, unlike the title he was currently given. Still, it was better than nothing, with all his experience it was strange how this was the best job he could find.

The summer went by slowly. Most of your days would be filled by talking on FaceTime with your friends back in Irieburgh. They weren't as understanding of your situation and that's when you realized they weren't the dream friends you had always dreamt of.

If anything, they were just similar to you at the time, slightly spoilt and self-centered. You knew they couldn't possibly understand what it's like to have such a huge change in the environment. Even with their rather selfish remarks from time to time, they still talked to you and texted you, so you wouldn't feel completely alone. You could only assume that this was what "pity" truly meant.

At night time you could hear the occasional gunshot somewhere on your street, the idea of someone dying next to your house terrified you. You had only ever seen movies about these types of neighborhoods, completely ignoring the fact that even fictional stories start from reality somewhere.

Throughout the summer you never really felt like you didn't fit in. Mostly because you weren't open about going out just because making friends was like a nightmare. Reality set in though when it was the first day of school and here you were, walking through the hallways as people just walked past. It was fascinating how much this school was different, your previous school was full of kids who didn't know what personal space or secrets were. Keeping out of drama was impossible, everyone was curious about everyone, but here, they were all focused on their problems. No one seemed to give two damns about the new ex-rich kid strolling down the corridors of the school.

" I see you're continuing the habit of being late, Mr. Hwang," the teacher panned as she looked the boy in the eyes.

" There isn't a bus from where I live," your Chem classmate rolled his eyes before scanning the room for an empty seat and that was when the quick moment of eye contact happened.

" You live five minutes away, genius," one of the girls from the class spoke as she facepalmed.

The boy made his way next to you, so you quickly pulled your items closer to you, leaving the other side of the table empty. To him, it probably looked like a rich kid hiding his belongings from the delinquent ones.

The teacher never took her eyes off him," So, you're going to disturb the new girl? Must say, I didn't expect you to sit next to someone, the table next to hers is empty."

The boy sat down in the chair and slouched his back," I'd still get partnered up with her for everything, so why not avoid the trouble?"

The teacher shut up and proceeded on with the class. Surprisingly, the boy next to you never spoke a word to you, but you did feel his burning gaze on the side of your face. Ignoring it was a struggle, but he didn't look like someone you wanted to associate with just from the way he looked, so after a while forgetting about his presence became like a reflex; easy.

And that's how class passed, in the end, you were so focused on taking your first chemistry notes that you didn't even notice that the boy had been trying to get your attention until he rudely stomped on your foot which had you angrily glaring at him.

" What's your problem?" You whispered.

" What's your name?"

" Y/N."

" I'm Hyunjin."

You nodded your head and proceeded to ignore Hyunjin once again, but when the bell rang you were quick to stuff everything into your back and head straight to the next class. Luckily, you only had one class with the boy.

And that was it. You never met him outside of school, just two days a week that you would spend a whole class sitting next to each other but that's how far the relationship went. You weren't friends, far from it actually as having conversations wasn't something the two of you were particularly interested in. You spent two months sitting next to him in the same class but as far as you were concerned; his name was Hyunjin and he wasn't a good person to be around.

You had managed to make two friends, it might not be a lot, but they were fun to be around. The two were rough around the edges, but your dad explained how everyone in this neighborhood was that way. People weren't used to a lot of kindness, so they didn't deliver much either, but even with their less enjoyable personality traits, they were still your best friends here.

Laura was a pretty brown-haired Polish girl whose family had moved here ten years ago. Her family wasn't lucky when it came to finding jobs, so her parents tried to do their best with the little they had. Her house was nicer than yours, but it was nowhere near as nice as your previous one. Though, unlike your house, the walls had a lot of the paint chipping off which Laura's parents expressed a deep distaste for.

Your other friend was a charming boy by the name Jeongin. He was Korean and a ray of absolute sunshine to be around, well, most of the time. He always managed to find the right time to let out some snarky comments, but if needed he wouldn't mind being your emotional comfort pillow. Unlike Laura, Jeongin was involved in a lot of the troubling activities around your neighborhood.

One time he had come to school with a poorly covered black eye, so you and Laura both combined the make up your had in an attempt to hide the purplish-green under his eye. It didn't work perfectly, but your two's work had revealed to be extremely helpful as you would continue the routine until his bruising had completely healed.

A month into your friendship, you found out Jeongin was actually from the same friend group as Hyunjin, which he always seemed to talk badly about, but under all the insults was hidden away a lot of love. Jeongin always reminded you and Laura that you should never befriend anyone else from his friend group outside of school as the way they spent their time together wouldn't be healthy for you or even him, but, as he would always say, he's in too deep at this point.

And that was how it went on. Both you and Laura staid away from Jeongin's friends and all seemed to be doing okay until one of them asked Laura toa dance your school was having the next weekend. Jeongin was angry at Jisung at first for making a move on his friend, but it was soon revealed that Jisung just wanted to get to know the two girls Jeongin had been attached to hip with.

When the dance came around you didn't exactly have a date, so both you and Jeongin decided to help each other out by going together. The dance was fun, you hung out with Laura and Jisung too, and the four of you had an amazing time.

When the main part of the night came to a close you were planning on going home until Jisung asked the two of you to join him and Jeongin to their hang out spot. Thankfully, neither of you had dressed up like dolls for the dance as that would've been too expensive, so instead you had gone in black pants and a shirt whilst Laura had red pants and a sparkly gold sequence top. Laura was definitely the better looking one from the two of you tonight.

Jeongin was quick to turn down Jisung's offer as for the whole time you guys were friends he had kept you away from this side of him. Neither you or Laura understood why he was so adamant on protecting the two of you, but the sudden appearance bruises that decorated his face time to time should've given it away.

Jeongin's tone of voice got more aggressive as Jisung continued to pursue both you and Laura into coming along. Blinded by the fun you had had together at the dance you decided to tag along. Jeongin was mad the whole way there, but he softened up once it got time to climb up the rusty ladder and onto the roof of one of the most dangerous apartment complex in your town.

Your friend noticed how stiff you became once you realized where exactly Jisung was leading the three of you. You were honestly amazed at how Laura seemed not to care at all, she looked to be completely comfortable by Jisung's side, laughing and chatting the whole way there, ignoring the guys with guns in their hands who were hanging out by the shops and cafés.

" You okay, Y/N?" Jeongin asked as his eyes gazed at you.

You shook your head," No, not really."

" If you want to go back I'll gladly take you, you know you don't have to just follow along, right?"

" This place doesn't seem too friendly to have you walk back alone though."

" I basically live here, trust me, it doesn't bother me."

You frowned at Jeongin's remark," This is where you guys legit hang out?"

" In this part of the town? Yeah, I'm not even going to make excuses because this place is worse than it looks."

" Why would you come here? I mean, you could get hurt just by walking on this damn sidewalk. I shit you not, I saw like four wasted hookers on the way here, so there's no say druggies don't hang around here, Jeongin."

" I'm fine with being here, but I see that you aren't. Come on, I'll take you back home."

" No."

" Why not?"

" I can't leave Laura alone. She'd probably want me here knowing her past of accidentally getting it on with cute guys like Jisung."

Jeongin nodded his head," Okay, but do you want help getting on the roof?"

You looked up the ladder and felt your feet become cold," This isn't safe, is it?"

" Nope."

You started climbing up the ladder before Jeongin, so no one could get you from the ground. Your fear was stupid, but you didn't want some high dude grabbing ahold of your ankle and pulling you down to his level.

The two of you got up and you were met with a rooftop apartment that had graffiti all along the walls, the windows were spray painted black and the only light that was up there was from the dim street lights back down. Laura and Jisung had already entered the apartment leaving you and Jeongin to be the last to enter. Upon opening the door you saw quite a few familiar faces. There was Seungmin from your Math class, Felix from English and Hyunjin from Chemistry. Hyunjin's stare was just as hot as always was, but the rest didn't seem to care.

You looked around the apartment before Jeongin led you to a free couch by one of the spray-painted windows. The apartment was just like you had expected. There was graffiti on the inside walls as well, a bunch of big plastic containers around the floor which some of the guys seemed to use as seating and a broken fridge which to your surprise was full of nonalcoholic beverages.

" Some of the guys aren't here, so I'm guessing they're somewhere on this block doing their own little thing," Jeongin explained as he allowed his body to drown into the material of the couch.

" There are more of you?" You asked.

" Yeah, Woojin, Chan, Minho, and Changbin aren't here, so you're going to spend time with the actually cool ones," Jeongin laughed.

Soon after Laura came back to your side and grabbed ahold of your arm while placing her head on your shoulder," This place is so cool, don't you think?"

" I'd say my place is better," you laughed.

" Jisung told me about all the shit they've done here and, honestly, it sounds like so much fun."

Jeongin raised one of his eyebrows and looked at his friend," Are you stupid or just pretending?"

You laughed," If you're asking that, doesn't it mean that you're the stupid one?"

The three of you continued to laugh and talk. Soon enough Jisung and Felix joined your conversation.

You were surprised about how funny and outgoing Felix was. During class, he would stick to himself and talk only if necessary, but here he was a completely different person. Jisung told you about the embarrassing fights Jeongin had been in and how badly he got beat up by a hooker who thought he wanted to kill her just because he had looked at her weirdly.

You were at the apartment for thirty minutes once Seungmin joined in too, leaving Hyunjin completely to himself. He didn't seem too happy about your presence here and the hot gaze of his eyes kept burning right at your forehead. He wasn't ashamed of his nonstop glaring that he didn't even look away once you quickly met his eyes, hoping he'd move his gaze somewhere else.

" Jeongin?" You whispered to your friend so that the others around you couldn't hear.

" Mm?"

" Why is Hyunjin looking at me like that?"

Jeongin's face seemed to twist for a second, he certainly knew something but wasn't about to spill," Let's just say he isn't happy with us bringing you two here."

" Why?" you asked but your question got ignored as right at that moment the door of the apartment opened and two guys walked in with another one supporting a guy on his way in. One of the four seemed to have been badly beaten up.

Jisung quickly got on his feet and went to help his friend carry the other one on the couch as everyone else got up, so he would have a place to sit.

" What happened?" the first time in the night Hyunjin spoke.

" We were talking with that Jaehyun guy once Jaebum and his sidekicks came. We got into an argument and one of the guys started fighting with Changbin," A dude with blonde hair explained.

The blonde finally noticed that there were two new faces in the apartment and was quick to realize they were Jeongin and Jisung's friends, so he smiled as he started to introduce all of them while taking off Changbin's jacket," I'm Chan, the beat-up one is Changbin, the friendly-looking one is Woojin and the last one's Minho."

You and Laura looked at each other and nodded, so Laura introduced you both," I'm Laura and the innocent one's Y/N."

Jeongin laughed," Yeah right, innocent."

You felt your hands slowly start to shake and the feeling of cold feet returned as you looked at the guys take care of Changbin

Hyunjin looked at you once again and noticed the slight discomfort on your face, for a moment his face softened, but went back to looking annoyed right after as he stormed past you to take out a first aid kit from a cabinet.

He had set down the kit on the little table by the couch when they heard loud knocking on the door.

" Who?" Laura asked Jisung.

" Probably Jaebum."

Chan went to look through the peephole and quickly called over the guys as apparently, it wasn't only Jaebum there. Seungmin staid by Changbin but it was clear that Chan needed him there too, so the others wouldn't be able to look into the apartment that easily, so you tapped Seungmin's shoulder.

" Wha-"

" I can take care of him, go do what y'all need to."

Seungmin left the cotton balls in your hands and rushed to Chan's side right as the door opened.

You tried to keep your hands steady, you poured a little bit of saline on the cotton ball.

Changbin softly chuckled," First time here?"

" I'd say first and last," you replied which got him to lightly laugh, but he winced right after," Hey, this might sting, but be patient."

You started to dab his cut eyebrow and afterward his cheek. You and Laura tried to ignore the aggressive yelling that was coming from right behind you.

" How big is the possibility that they'll beat us up?" Laura asked half-jokingly.

" Small, but it's still there," Changbin replied.

One of the guys pushed through Chan and started to chuckle once he saw you cleaning Changbin's scratches," Awe, you got a little nurse to help with your inability to fight back?"

" Don't pay attention," Changbin whispered, so you nodded your head a bit and continued to switch the cotton balls and clean his wounds.

" I suggest you leave those two out of this," Chan stated.

" Why? Are they your bitches or something?" The guy laughed.

Laura turned to look at the guy and crossed her arms in front of her chest. At moments like this, you wished she wasn't a girl with balls bigger than any dude's.

" Excuse me, what?"

" You talk?" The guy pretended to be shocked as some of his friends managed to enter the apartment alongside him.

Your friends were quick to walk back to you guys, so you wouldn't be vulnerable. Much to your surprise, Hyunjin took away the cotton balls away from you and placed them back into the kit, closing it and pulling you by your wrist right behind his back. While Jeongin moved to calm down Laura.

" You called me someone's bitch? Who the fuck do you think you are?"

Jeongin placed his hands on her shoulders and tried to quiet her down," This isn't the time for you to be overly sensitive, Laura."

" Ouch, that one seems way too stubborn for my liking."

" Jackson, I don't think you should continue picking on the girls, it's not very smart of you," Chan pointed out.

" Why? We hit a soft spot by picking at your girlfriends?" Jackson mocked.

One of the guys swiftly pushed past Felix and Hyunjin and grabbed your other wrist, pulling you to his side," This one seems more submissive than the other, don't you think?"

" Let her go, " Hyunjin growled.

Something that caught both sides of the argument off guard.

" Ooh, so this one's Hwang's bitch, quite amusing, if I must say. Never thought I'd see mister pretty boy here ever fight using his mouth and not his fists."

You felt the guy's grip on your wrist tighten which made you wince in pain," please, let go."

Your voice was quiet, but everyone heard. You were sure your wrist was going to be bruised afterward, if you even managed to walk out of here alive, that is.

" I'm serious dude, just let her go," Jeongin came to Hyunjin's side.

The guy raised his eyebrows in delight," This is a lot more fun than beating up that dwarf over there."

The room became tenser as time went on, but the fight was cut off once Jackson's phone rang.

" Yo, we gotta bounce."

" Why?" The guy holding your wrist asked.

" Youngjae called and said there's an issue by Larry's diner, we gotta go."

Your wrist was finally free from the guy's grasp and you quickly put your other hand over it.

Before all of the other guys had exited the apartment, the one who had hurt your wrist winked at Hyunjin teasingly," I'd keep your bitch safe if I were you. She seems like a lot of fun."

And with that, the door closed shut with a huge bang. Right as the door closed you felt your breathing return back to normal and some tears escaped your eyes as the adrenaline started to exit your body and the pain from your wrist shot through.

" I told you not to bring them over here, Jeongin!" Hyunjin angerly said.

" I didn't! Jisung asked them to come. Y/N didn't even want to, but she came because of Laura, why are you so pissed anyway?"

Hyunjin turned his glare to Jisung now," Didn't we talk about this?"

" How the fuck was I supposed to know Jaebum would bring his shit to here? We had fun with Laura and Y/N before those idiots showed up and everything was fine."

Chan sighed," Guys, calm down."

" What, Chan? Didn't we have a deal that we wouldn't bring school friends here let alone girls? Dude, look at Y/N she can't even function here, shouldn't you at least tell Jisung that what he did was wrong?"

" Yes, we did agree we wouldn't bring girls here, but they are their friends and it's not their fault we got into a fight with Jaebum while at Jaehyun's."

" Well, I don't know about you, but maybe it's time to take them home?" Hyunjin was angry and the curiosity was killing you. Why was he so angry anyway?

Jisung walked to Laura," I'll take Laura home, but someone's got to take Y/N home cause the two live on different blocks."

Before Jeongin could say anything Hyunjin spoke," Fine, then I'll take Y/N home. Let's go."

You looked at Jeongin but he only shrugged his shoulders and turned to help Changbin. Jisung and Laura left first. While you staid back at the apartment for about ten minutes while Hyunjin went to look for something, when he came back you were out the door, but even behind the closed door, you could hear a lot of laughs and whistles.

The two of you got off the roof and started walking to your house. The street was full of a bunch of men smoking. Even under the dim street lights, you could see the many tattoos decorating their arms, some of them even caught your eye as you had seen similar designs on TV when the news decided that it was time for the general public to learn how to recognize gangs.

You tried to use every method to calm your nerves you knew, but nothing helped. You were just so scared. You unconsciously started to scoot closer to Hyunjin which he quickly picked up on. He took his hand out of his jacket and grabbed yours.

" You better not show up here after tonight," Hyunjin said as the annoyance still bled through his tone.

" I plan on staying away, don't worry."

You were about twenty minutes into the walk when Hyunjin stopped.

" Something up?" You asked.

" Promise me you won't strudel back into that part of town."

" I already told you, I don't plan on coming-"

" Just promise me."

" Fine," you sighed," I promise."

Hyunjin let go of your hand as you were further away from the dangerous part of the area. You hated yourself for wanting to intertwine your hand with his again but you knew you shouldn't. Your heart raced when he tried to talk to you on the way to your house and you couldn't stand it. You don't even like him, are you seriously so desperate for attention that your heart had to race at just an attractive boy talking to you?

When you reached your house you saw your dad sitting on the porch, he was waiting for you so you turned to Hyunjin with wide eyes," Hey, I'm here so you can go back."

" Your dad?"

" Yeah, so can you go? Seriously, thank you for taking me home and I'm fine now, so bye."

You slightly pushed Hyunjin to start walking back so he nodded his head and left. You walked to your house and greeted your dad.

" Y/N, the dance ended four hours ago, it's three in the morning! Where in the world were you?"

" I was with Laura and Jeongin. I know I should've called you but we were having a good time, so I forgot."

You knew you were taking advantage of your trusting father. Back at your old place he never had to worry about you getting into trouble, so he got used to trusting you, but this night surely wasn't as you described. It was fun before Changbin came into the apartment beat up and the other guys suddenly showing up to start a fight. You remembered about your hurting wrist so you slightly hid it behind your back.

" Okay, head inside. I'll catch a smoke and be right in okay?"

" I'm gonna go straight to bed, goodnight."

You closed your front door and took in a deep breath. You promised yourself you wouldn't lie to your dad again.

The weekend was spent lazily rolling around in bed watching random TV shows and texting some of your old friends. Laura called you at one point too and gushed about how she finally found the perfect guy friend who could be there for her when she has a fight with her future boyfriend, hopefully, Jisung hadn't thought of the Polish girl as a love interest in his life because she had definitely placed him deep into the friend-zone and there was no getting out.

Though you tried to occupy yourself with several activities, your mind still rushed back to the moment Hyunjin held your hand or when he pulled you behind himself when Jaebum's crew stumbled into the rundown apartment.

And that's how two weeks passed. You'd be tying to fall asleep but right in front of your eyes, the scene of Hyunjin holding your hand would replay. During Chemistry class you weren't able to look even slightly to his side of the table without feeling the blush reach up to your cheeks. Unfortunately for you, Jeongin noticed your awkwardness around Hyunjin when your friend had been waiting by your Chem class to pick you up, only to witness the most uncomfortable goodbye to Hyunjin you could ever have.

Jisung invited both you and Laura back to the apartment a couple of times but you always came up with a reason why not to go. You couldn't just say," Hey, I promised Hyunjin, who is an absolute nobody to me, that I would never step a foot on that street ever again."

But here you were, walking alongside Laura on your way back there. You tried desperately to reject the invitation but Jisung and Laura weren't having any of that. Jeongin wasn't even mad at first because he had gotten so used to seeing Laura hanging out with his friends that you joining in only meant more fun. Of course, it would've been fun for you too if there hadn't been a hawk-eyed Hyunjin following your every step with his glare. He wasn't happy.

Though this time you heard multiple comments about his behavior and how it only got this bad when you were around. Usually, he'd be messing around with Changbin or annoying the living daylights out of everyone in the room, but you couldn't even imagine that he could act that way.

As the clock was about to hit 1 AM you remembered that you needed to call your dad, so he could go to bed without having to worry about his daughter getting home like the night of the dance. Of course, you did lie to your dad about your whereabouts. You told him you were at Laura's watching a movie and that you'd be home at 5 AM max. Once again, your dad completely trusted your every word as you held your phone to your ear, kicking around rocks on the roof of the graffiti decorated building.

You bid your dad goodbye and right as you pressed the end call button someone opened the door and walked outside.

" I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be here," Hyunjin muttered.

He surely had something against you," I know, but Laura wasn't having any of my excuses, so I had to tag along."

" You didn't have to do anything, you decided to come along."

" Whatever the reason was I'm here anyway and this time there isn't a Jaebum crew scaring the shit out of me or coming to pick a fight, so I don't see what the problem is."

False. You did see where the problem was. You promised you wouldn't come back here as you had expressed your dislike for this place yourself.

Jaebum wasn't the only thing dangerous on this block, heck, he wasn't even dangerous compared to the other people who chose this as their living or partying spot.

" Why are you being so bitchy? I didn't even do anything."

He's sort of right, but that's not the point," Why is it that every damn time I am around you're a completely different person? Do you hate me that much?"

Hyunjin sighed," I don't hate you."

" Then what is this about?"

" Listen, I just don't like you hanging around here, okay?"

You knew this conversation wasn't going in any useful direction, so you decided to drop it. You walked past Hyunjin and back into the apartment. The rest of the night you didn't feel his piercing gaze. He didn't even pay attention to you. He was swiping through his phone, ignoring the people around him. Later in the night Laura and Jeongin told you funny stories of the times Laura had hung out here alone. Hyunjin had even opened up to Laura's presence.

There was this one time when Laura was play-fighting with Jisung when Hyunjin suddenly joined in and placed himself as the announcer. Loudly describing every move the pair made.

No matter how many stories they told you of Hyunjin, you just couldn't imagine him being that way. To you, he was this rude, stuck up jerk who managed to shake your heart. Nobody knew that though, you kept it to yourself. You knew that everyone would laugh in your face if you even mentioned something like that.l, let alone having a crush on one of Jeongin's friends.

This was where you had to draw the harsh line. These boys weren't your friends. Your "friend" group consisted of Jeongin, Laura and Jisung. Nobody else. You couldn't become closer to the others, your dad wouldn't want that. He's already miserable knowing that he couldn't provide a better place for his daughter, having friends like these would just make his fears into a reality.

That's why that night, while the sounds of chattering flooded the room, you promised yourself to never step near this place, to not attach yourself with the people hanging here on the daily.

As the night became darker Chan and Woojin came back into the apartment with four six-packs of beer. Jeongin gravitated away from you to one of the packs. Chan had just placed his two on the table when Jeongin had already managed to rip one of the beer cans out of the plastic wrap.

" Dude, calm down, we got enough for everyone," Woojin laughed looking at his youngest friend.

Jeongin brought the can to his chest and hugged it," Knowing you, this is the only one I'm getting."

Chan took three cans and gave one to you, Laura and Jisung," This is beer is heavy, so if you don't want to get tipsy just drink slowly."

You accepted the can but didn't open it. You had a light alcohol tolerance that you discovered while you were attending your last school. You were at a party for your classmate and just one solo cup of punch later you were drunk out of your mind, inside one of the bedrooms with your friend's boyfriend who was also wasted. You were quick to realize that this making out was going to go further if you didn't stop right then and there, so you mustered up all the soberness you still had and dragged yourself out of the bedroom. Let's just say alcohol wasn't something you took lightly.

Laura reached for your can, snatched it and opened it for you, pushing it back in our hands," I knew you weren't going to open it if I didn't help you."

You took a sip and you knew Chan wasn't kidding when he said it was heavy. Usually, beer didn't burn the back of your throat but this one definitely did.

" He wasn't kidding," Jisung laughed and coughed, the burning too much for him to handle.

Hyunjin laughed," You're just too big of a pussy."

A slight laugh made its way past your lips which brought a warm feeling throughout Hyunjin's body.

Jeongin went back to his seat next to you and tossed his hand over your shoulder," Jisung's weak. He gets drunk quickly too."

You looked at Jisung," Me and you both, kiddo."

It wasn't like they were surprised by the fact you weren't exactly good at handling alcohol, but they were indeed shocked once you admitted it.

Hyunjin raised a brow at you," If you're a weak chick then don't drink too much. These guys aren't exactly PG-13 when a drunk girl is around."

Woojin hit the back of Hyunjin's head," You're one to talk."

" What?"

" I didn't think you'd forget about that Sana girl. She's older than him, but when they were both drunk, Hyunjin here, was radiating all sorts of daddy energy," Woojin proudly told the story of when he was the only sober one, playing dad wasn't unusual for him anyway.

" D-daddy energy?" You asked right before bursting out into loud laughter.

Woojin nodded, laughing along," He was holding the girl and legit went around screaming that Sana was his baby girl and no one could do anything about it."

Chan joined in on the conversation," Dude, Hyunjin was wild. I didn't think he'd ever use the word 'babygirl' but that was something."

Hyunjin rolled his eyes," That was like last year, shut up."

" Oh, you don't want your new baby girl to know about your past bitches?" Jeongin was wasted. Wait, wasn't that his third can in a matter of fifteen minutes?

Laura shot up from her sluggish pose and looked at Hyunjin wide-eyed," You got a girlfriend?"

" No!"

" He's so whipped for-"

Before Jeongin was able to continue anything Hyunjin had already managed to rush his way towards the youngest and placed his hand over his mouth," I'd think twice before I continue that sentence."

So this was the open Hyunjin everybody kept talking about? With a little bit of beer in his blood, he did seem to forget his hatred towards you, at least that's what you thought.

Jeongin agreed to not say anything and once Hyunjin had gone back to his seat he yelled out," Y/N do you wanna be Hyunjin's new girlfriend?"

Hyunjin looked at his friend absolutely mortified.

You laughed," Sorry, I don't date my friend's friends."

Hyunjin decided to ignore whatever else was coming out of Jeongin's mouth and continued to sip oh his beer.

Jeongin pouted and grabbed your hand," But imagine how cute you'd be. You guys could make such cute babies."

" Hold up, drunk boy," You chocked on your last sip of beer.

Everyone except Hyunjin was laughing. As the clock was about to land at 6 AM and most of your company was wasted or asleep, you decided it's probably time to head home. You didn't want to sleep on the same couch as Jisung, Laura, Woojin. And the floor didn't sound fun either. You slowly removed Woojin's head from your shoulder and got off the couch, making your way to the exit. You weren't excited about the fact you'll have to walk through the neighborhood by yourself, but you weren't always going to have someone to escort you.

You were trying your best to avoid any of the empty beer cans on the floor and the guys who had managed to fall asleep on the floor while you were scrolling through your phone. But much to your luck you accidentally tripped over Hyunjin's leg which woke him up. As far as you knew he was also wasted, but that wasn't the case. Just like you, he had only drunk one can of beer through the whole night and he wasn't exactly asleep either. He had been trying to sleep, but the floor wasn't doing his justice.

" Oh, shit. Sorry," You apologized right as you saw Hyunjin sit up.

" You going home?"

" Yeah."

" I'll walk you home, I'm not going to fall asleep any time soon anyway."

And that's how you ended up walking with Hyunjin once again through the neighborhood which you were so scared of. Unlike the other time, your hands weren't holding onto each other. They were freely hanging by your sides as you walked while the sounds of downtown engulfed you in a chilly breeze. The slight tremble you did because of the cold didn't go unnoticed by Hyunjin, so he reached for your hand and put it in the pocket of his hoody.

" I'd give you my hoody, but I don't have anything underneath."

" I didn't ask, but okay."

" Uh, Y/N?"

" Hm?"

" Y'know about the thing that Woojin told you-"

" Oh about that Sana? What about it?"

" I'm not like that."

You looked at him confused," Why are you explaining yourself to me?"

" Cause I don't want you to think that I'm the type of guy who would get drunk and forget about a girl cause I'm not like that. I'm really not."

" Why should I care? It's seriously fine like I don't see-"

" I like you."

" You- what?"

You quickly detached your hand from Hyunjin's and pulled it behind your back," What are you on about?"

" I like you. I don't want you around here because I know what kind of people hang out here. I don't want you to get hurt because of some stupid Jeongin or Jisung who forgot about the fact they can't bring people who aren't used to the shit here."

You looked at Hyunjin in complete shock," If you like me then why are you always such an asshole to me?"

" Because I didn't plan on making a move or anything. If anything, I wanted you to hate me, so you wouldn't ever think about me the way I do about you."

" Since when?"

" Since when, what?"

" Since when have you liked me that way?"

" First Chem class."

" Woah."

" Listen, I just wanted the girl I like to not think of me as some shit ass who gets drunk and sleeps around with some girls, they made it sound like I got it on with Sana when, in fact, I didn't even kiss her."

" I believe you, just take back the 'i like you, part."

Hyunjin looked at you, he was hurt, were you disgusted by his feelings?

" Why?"

" I promised myself I would never come back to here or the hangout ever again, but you're making this hard for me."

" My feelings shouldn't be the reason for you to even think about coming to hang out here again. If you like the guys then we can hang out somewhere else. Especially because I like you. I never want someone calling you 'Hwang's bitch' again, but if we hang out here it will happen more than once."

" Hyunjin, I can't bring myself to hate this place anymore if you're just going to confess all of a sudden!"

" No, you can. You don't feel the same way about me, you coming back here because of me would make me feel like I'm being pitied and I don't want that at all."

You bit your lip as you looked at your feet, avoiding Hyunjin's gaze at all times.

" Oh God, don't. Don't do that."

" Do what?" You finally looked up at him.

" Don't bite your lip. It's distracting."

" Wh-"

" Stop playing dumb. It makes me want to kiss you."

Your eyes widened," Yeah, no."

" Exactly, so stop. We should probably get you home, it's getting pretty early."

Hyunjin nonchalantly ignored the previous moment and continued to walk in the direction of your house.

" So you say that and act like you didn't right away?" You followed the boy from behind, your heart was beating fast no matter how you tried to act like Hyunjin's words did not affect you.

" What did you want me to do, force my face on yours?"

" If I remember correctly, someone smart once said YOLO-"

" Yeah, and then they got pregnant."

You chuckled," What if you didn't have to force your face on mine?"

" Wh-"

There weren't many times you were able to act overly confident but at this moment it seemed like God himself wanted you to do something that seemed impossible to you. Maybe it was the slight amount of alcohol that remained in your bloodstream or the overwhelming feelings which suddenly took over, whatever it was it made you lightly grab the strings of Hyunjin's hoodie, pulling him to your eye level and kissing him right then and there.

This wasn't what he imagined. Heck, he didn't even allow himself to imagine something so intimate. It didn't take long for his arms to wrap around your body, pulling you closer to him. Your heartbeats were completely in sync. Both were beating fast but they were also beating for each other.

You didn't intend on kissing him this way. Maybe a light peck? But oh was this not it.

Hyunjin's arms were so tight around your body as if he was afraid you'd disappear once he let go of you. Your hands moved away from the strings of his hoodie to his chest.

For a moment it felt as if all time had stopped. There was nobody else in this world besides you and Hyunjin.

You both slowly pulled away, you wanted to run away, scream, hide, but you knew Hyunjin wouldn't let you. His arms were still on you, no longer wrapped around your body, but his hands were holding onto your shoulders as if his life depended on it.

" You know you just brought this upon yourself, right?" Hyunjin's gaze was dark, there was a tint of love behind them, but you hadn't seen anything as serious as that look.

" Yes."

" You know I'm not letting you go away now, right?"

" You better not."

" Fuck, I should've done this sooner."

And your lips were once again pressed against each other. This kiss wasn't as soft and calming as the previous one, it was needy and desperate. His hands traveled to your lower back, yet you couldn't think about anything else besides the feeling of your lips against his.

...

" Yo, Y/N you coming to the hangout, today?" Laura rushed to your side as the both of you exited the school grounds.

" I don't really-"

" Oops, forgot, I'm not letting you not come."

And so were you again inside of the small run-down apartment, the only people missing were Hyunjin, Changbin, and Felix. Chan said that they were out running some errands but nothing too major.

The eight of you laughed and talked while waiting for the others to come. You were nervous the whole time, you had hung out with Hyunjin alone for a while now, but the others didn't know about it. The two of you hadn't hung out with the whole group as boyfriend and girlfriend yet and it made you scared.

You play-fighting with Jisung as you tried to get your phone back from him and Laura was there as your back up. The two of you were crawling around and on the couch trying to get him to move his ass, so you could get your phone.

The door opened and the others went to greet the three guys, but both you and Laura were too focused on getting your phone back.

" Jisung~ Give it back!" You lovingly called out, you knew how much Jisung hated to be talked to in that way.

Much to our annoyance, Jisung also knew how to push your buttons," Give me a kiss and I'll give it back!~"

Hyunjin crossed his arms as he looked at you and Jisung fighting, he knew that you two were only joking, but even then the jealously didn't fail to make an appearance.

" Sorry, she can't kiss you, it'd go against the rules."

" Rules of what?" Jisung asked a bit dumbfounded.

" Of being in a relationship," Hyunjin casually said as he continued to look at the both of you annoyed.

" Wha-"

" You're asking my girlfriend to kiss you, that's just wrong bro."

Laura looked at Hyunjin then at you with wide eyes," Since when?"

" Like two months ago?" Hyunjin nonchalantly answered.

You were still frozen as you were holding onto Jisung's arm. Jisung slowly pulled your phone out from his back pocket and gave it to you," I don't want your boyfriend to punch me."

You sat up straight and blankly stared back at Hyunjin.

" What? Surprised to see your boyfriend?"

You quickly got off the couch and ran to hug him as if the two of you hadn't met for years.

The moment was wholesome until Chan stopped awing and awkwardly coughed," Just keep your relationship PG-13."