#( just in case? this is mostly a Me Processing with Writing thing + caveat that my thoughts and ideas could change over time. )

[nordstarr]

what’s your process for writing such long and well thought-out fics? like you don’t have to go into extreme detail but do you 1) outline the story 2) rewrite a lot of parts 3) have a beta reader? also, i would love to write tomark so do you have an advice on how to get their voices right or a good interview example to base that off of. thank you and love your fics. big fan.

first of all, thank you so much, that really means a lot :(

I know you didn’t want extreme detail, but this is me we’re talking about, so this answer got sorta long and rambling. I APOLOGIZE for that, but I hope you’ll get something out of this?

I’m gonna do my best to at least give you a vague overview of how I approach writing, with the caveat that it’s probably/definitely not the objectively Best Way or only way to write fics. My ADHD and general perfectionism make me a really bad case study.

That being said:

1) On Outlining: for “See You”, I didn’t have an outline at first, or even really a good idea for a plot, and I just word-vomited a lot onto the page, vague scenes and ideas and the general vibes of what I wanted to touch on with that fic, i.e. old men in their healing era, looking back on their past, and then got lost in the weeds and abandoned it for a year because it became unmanageable without an outline. Once @phoebesbridgers and I started talking and throwing ideas back and forth and kinda brainstorming, we worked out an outline that evolved as I was writing it. Bare-bones at first, and then adding more scenes as needed, where the pacing was lacking or where I wanted to go into more detail. I was adding scenes up until the very end, so it’s definitely nice to have an organic outline you can edit and expand upon. In my experience, writing fics over 10k without an outline (no matter how loose or free-form it is) is basically impossible. Sometimes that outline is just text messages between Kristen and me, sometimes it’s me taking actual notes in a google doc.

“Who said I can’t go back?” was even more collaborative (duh), with us basically working out a full outline before we started to write, aka doing some brainstorming sessions, taking down notes for that, and then working out what scenes we needed, but still expanding on things and adding stuff in the middle of writing.

Here’s what the first brainstorming for “Sink into your sunlight” looked like (excerpt. these usually go on for a WHILE), just gathering the vibes and basic concept:

Those notes usually evolve into vague scene ideas, so I’ll have an empty google doc with scenes laid out in order, mostly “[scene 1: x happens here], or giving the scene a stupid name that encapsulates the main thing it’s going to be about.

2) On rewriting: I'm someone who edits A LOT as I'm writing something, which is 100% bad practice and perfectionism and not something I recommend because it slows my progress down so much, but that usually means once a scene is done, I don’t change much anymore. Usually after a few days of not looking at the scene and getting some distance, I’ll either print it out or throw it into an AO3 draft to have a different format to look at, and go over it again, editing spelling errors and doing minor edits, shifting some parts around, and once I hand the fic over to Kristen, I edit and add stuff wherever she had notes.

3) On beta readers: I think it’s pretty clear from all of the above that I’d be so, so lost without @phoebesbridgers being someone I can trade ideas with and also make her do all the heavy lifting of editing and beta-reading. She gives me notes and feedback and helps out on pretty much anything when I need her opinion, be it pacing or outlining. I can’t recommend enough that you have someone you can show your fic to, or just brainstorm with, and have them as your biggest supporter and hype man. It makes the mental barrier of writing so much easier to manage when I’m writing for one person, or a small group of friends, rather than the Big Vast Faceless Void of AO3. It takes the pressure off. As long as she likes what I write, I’m happy.

4) As for how to get their voices right: a lot of that is just the natural osmosis of spending 15 years being a fan of this band and watching interviews and hearing them talk, but what always helps me is either reading dialogue I’ve written out loud, or having some TTS go over it, or even just going over it in my head and seeing if I can hear the words in their voice, or can imagine them saying them. I wish I could give more helpful advice on that, but listening to interviews or their show banter always helps to kinda get their cadence right. If you're writing for a specific era, it helps to watch interviews or clips from that time, just to get a feel for what the dynamic is like.

Feel free to ask more questions, I'm just really bad at giving advice lmao

[wherewhereare]

This is especially for the newbies. @formdetective went under the the guise of @shefaniscience. She was one of the very early Shefani blogs/fans. I have used a lot of her posts to work on my timelines. I always found that in very many cases, in the beginning, she was not very far off on her discussions of the relationship. She still follows on occasions, but I have not seen her post anything Shefani wise in a very long time. At the request of her followers, she took the lyrics of GAABMH and put forward what she thought were the thought processes that Blake and Gwen were having in relation to, in my opinion, the most important Shefani song. It is the only song written by them with their own personal thoughts deriving the lyrics. It is in keeping with every song Gwen has written to this date. Even though, NBY and HA really fit them, only GAABMH lays out their very real thoughts at the time.

There are a couple of others she did, and if your interested, I can share those also. Her discussions about the lyrics really bring out, from her opinion, what Gwen was feeling and thinking about when she wrote them. Let me know if you're interested. I have found that her most profound statement, paraphrasing a bit here, is that when she met Blake, it was the first time she could write a love song without caveats. She put that out in 2016 while writing the TIWTTFL album.

formerdetective May 13, 2016 Go Ahead and Break My Heart Lyrics Analysis Okay so a bunch of people requested this but I didn’t have any prompts that really fit with what I wanted to say, so here is a text post!!

First of all, I don’t think this song had anything to do with HOW they figured out the next step of their relationship. I know he said he was trying to impress her and “get somewhere with her,” but I think he was just trying to sound charming. I mean, I’m pretty sure he tries to “impress” her like almost every day. Remember when he bought his and hers horses? Or flew overnight to go to her son’s birthday party. Anyway, I think this song is about that process obviously, but I don’t think it’s a part of it. I’m sure it did help solidify things though. <3

So my interpretation of the song comes in the context of all the other things we know. Splash was July, then I’m pretty sure Getting Warmer was in early September, and then Make Me Like You, Misery were September 22 & 23, and Truth was October 23. Also in mid and late September, Blake and Gwen both said some pretty cool/magical things were happening in their lives during interviews.

So anyway that’s kind of where I’m coming from with this analysis. To me, the emotional vibe is the most like Getting Warmer. I recommend listening to that right before this for more of Gwen’s mental state.

Go Ahead and Break My Heart

Blake’s verse: Most people seem to be assuming that Blake’s lyrics mean Gwen was trying to ease off or actually tried to break up with him or something like that. But I disagree. I think Blake’s verse is mostly the result of his own insecurity. Like we know obviously that she was really scared, but I think that was stopping her from communicating, rather than from seeing him.

You know how I’ve gotten what feels like dozens of messages asking/complaining about how Gwen won’t say the word boyfriend/doesn’t want to talk about Blake/isn’t a good speaker? Imagine if you were the person she didn’t want to talk about, trying to talk about it. I love her so much but she is not good at expressing herself in situations that make her uncomfortable. And she was so nervous and confused herself. If you needed answers and were getting sort of circular, non-committal responses, that would be confusing as hell.

Trying to navigate all of that would be especially confusing if you were already super insecure yourself, and in particular were 100% convinced the woman you fell for was out of your league.

So this is the situation they’re left with. Gwen avoids the conversation or muddles her way through it, and Blake takes her nervousness, not as a sign that she wants more, but as a sign that she doesn’t know how to break up with him, because he literally can’t believe she wants to be with him. (poor babe.)

The sun is setting on your last good try: So we know based on her lyrics, and and interviews and how happy they were on the voice in battles/knockouts, things seem to have been pretty great between them…but then I imagine Blake would start to have the dreaded DTR (define the relationship) and she would start to stumble and second guess everything and leave them both thinking WTF:

Here I am with a half goodbye, wonder if you’re really gone this time: See to me this is where his own insecurities come in. Gwen is being wishy washy and unclear, and he assumes the worst. Gwen talks a lot about being broken but she wasn’t the only one who was damaged by their previous relationship.

The problem, too, is that this isn’t the type of partner he’s used to. He’s used to someone more assertive, and not as much of a sensitive cinnamon role. And based on comments he’d make, I don’t think he was used to being the one who needed to lead discussions. Plus, go back and watch some late 2014/early 2015 B interviews. He’s not used to someone being this sweet to him or being so intensely emotional over him.

I mean, because if Gwen’s problem was she was in love with him but didn’t know if he liked her as much, that’s not a reason to dump someone. It’s a reason to be hesitant in messing things up that are already going well. But Blake doesn’t know any of this, so he just thinks she’s too sweet to let him know she wants to break up. Like I said, he assumes the worst because he’s insecure and a bit broken himself. So when she doesn’t give him a straightforward answer he assumes the worst. But it’s actually the opposite.

And just when I’m about to lose my mind

He said in interviews that they were having trouble opening up and letting their guards down, and I think that definitely went for both of them. So he probably didn’t want to push the issue too much, so when he didn’t get the answers he wanted when he tried to talk about it, he just tried to go with the flow even though it was driving him nuts. Like he didn’t want to scare her off, so when he still didn’t know what she wanted at the end of the conversation, he’d just leave it because it was scary to push too much.

There you are again on my phone, moon is rising and you’re all alone: So basically Blake is going crazy worrying but she calls him like right away and wants to hang out some more. Because of course she does. She’s obsessed.

Maybe we can just hang a while, maybe we can make each other smile: But he’s still confused, still insecure, still doesn’t know what she wants, so he’s like we can just hang and see what happens! Like basically, I’ll take anything.

Oh no, here I go: I think ‘here I go’ is here i go falling in love, and it’s a problem because he doesn’t know what he’s gonna get from her. Like maybe she’s just gonna break his heart.

Chorus: So the lyrics of the chorus pretty much sum up Blake’s frustration.

Literally he’s like, “if you want to end this, then just do it.” I’m not gonna type out the whole thing because they are pretty much just one thought. Except for this:

Why are you waiting is it way too hard? See this line especially makes me think it was as much Blake’s insecurity as Gwen’s that was causing them “problems.” She was waiting because she didn’t have any interest in breaking his heart. She just didn’t know how to tell him that (and was also terrified to admit she wanted more.)

But the rest of the chorus just kind of sums up like, I want you completely. So if you don’t want that too, then you gotta go.

Oh but also: You can’t tell me that we’ll still be friends, and maybe someday we can try again. To me this is emphasizing that bb is in DEEP and he’s gonna be so heartbroken that if it’s not gonna continue then that has to be the end of it.

Gwen’s verse: So gwen’s verse is a combination of reassuring him that his insecurities are for nothing, she is literally in love with him, but she’s scared of how much she’s into him. And the lyrics of her verse are why I don’t think she was ever actually trying to say goodbye or whatever. I think she probably had no idea what to do and word vomitted her way through that conversation(s) and he took that to mean she wanted to breakup but felt bad about it, when it was really the opposite.

I never ever meant to get so into you, thought I was using you just to get me through: I think when they first started hanging out and then unexpectedly switched from friends to romance or more likely, some kind of facebook style it’s complicated, gray in-between situation, and she was trying hard to just keep on living in the moment, without thinking about what might happen between them down the road.

You know I’m broken I don’t trust anyone, last thing I needed was to fall in love: So she didn’t start hanging out with him with the intention of falling in love. She needed time to heal, and between that and everything else in her life it’s actually hella inconvenient, but that’s what happened. But it is scary because she has trust issues…which kind of takes me back to what I said about Getting Warmer…she’s not sure she believes she can trust him to love her the way she loves him…the problem she’s had in the past. But that doesn’t mean she’s not in love with him.

You got me dreaming, got me thinkin I’ve got some hope; there is nobody else I wanna get to know: So it’s not like she wants to break up at all. She doesn’t want to see anyone else, or even be without him, because it’s exciting and she’s starting to move beyond living in the moment towards maybe this is gonna be forever. Or maybe this can be what she’s always wanted, unlike the other two tries.

But I’m so scared I don’t know what to do, how did you get me so into you? And this is back to her struggling to let her guard down. Feelings are not the issue. It’s just fear. But still she does have that shred of hope so she doesn’t want to break up.

Then again, with her trust issues, she’s not that confident he won’t break her heart either. But oh no, here I go: it’s pretty much too late for her. She’s too in love to give in to her fear.

Chorus again: So frankly, it would probably be just as well for Gwen too if Blake isn’t gonna come through and give her the love and partnership she wants then she doesn’t have time for this.

Bridge: So literally, those are the reasons each of them are acting how they are. They’re both scared, both having trouble saying exactly what they want (until now), but they’re both in love with each other. There’s your cards: Cards on the table, everything exposed, it’s scary but maybe it’s worth it.

Because even though it ends on the chorus, I take a pretty optimistic view of the end. The bridge asks What are you waiting for? And to me, that’s really the conclusion. They aren’t waiting for anything. Even though it’s hard and it’s gonna take maybe a little time, they have no interest in breaking each other’s hearts.

-the end.

[teecupangel]

After reading the bottom of the FE crossover post now I'm thinking about Desmond taking Azura's position of Nohr noble taken captive by hoshido and pushing Azura into more third party territory

From @shadowpack12

Please can we get a fanfic of Desmond in FE: Fates. Please! I’m begging

I cannot write a full fic for this but I can make up ideas. I hope that will be okay :)

The FE: Fates idea that this is talking about is the bottom part of this FE x AC idea I had.

I know you said Nohr royalty but hear me out.

Okay, so in this scenario, we’re going full on isekai’ed Desmond but with an additional caveat. He deages to the same age Corrin is when she was kidnapped. And, in this case, we’ll go further and make him the twin brother of Corrin (up to you whatever gender Corrin is) who Garon was unable to kidnap together with Corrin.

In this one, we can set it up with the idea that Desmond doesn’t remember anything and people around him believe that he has amnesia because of the trauma of seeing their father die and his twin kidnapped while he ran away.

Desmond isn’t sure if this is necessarily true.

It was also possible that he had been reincarnated as this prince who is also called Desmond (although it would probably be more accurate that people around this part call him Desumon… but they sound the same more or less anyway).

Desmond knows he has a missing twin and he is worried, absolutely worried, sure, but, at the same time, he was in a young child’s body with no real information about the world.

So…

He had no choice but to focus on growing up and learning everything he has about this world.

When Desmond turned fourteen, he starts to have dreams of a woman with flowing blue hair and wearing a white dress.

She would always be singing by the lake.

The dream would always stop before she turned around.

Fifteen years since Desmond had woken up in this world…

The dream changed and he finally sees the woman turn around.

And the first thing she ever spoke to him was…

“Please… save everyone.”

Before Desmond could say anything, he wakes up…

To one of servants informing him that his vassal Kaze has returned…

… with his long lost twin.

Unorganized Notes:

Since every royalty needs to have 2 retainers, Kaze will become Desmond’s vassal. In this situation, Kaze will be one of his retainers (sorry, Corrin). His other retainer would be Shura who Desmond took in when he saw guards of Hoshida deny him entry.

Desmond also took in all the other refugees and survivors from Kohga. Mainly because he couldn’t turn a blind eye to them but also… because he knew that their skills as ninjas would help him make his own Brotherhood.

Of course, there’s a bit of a “???” on the timeline considering Kohga was invaded by Mokushu before the Nohr-Hoshido conflict so either we tweak the timeline or we change this with Desmond making contact with Shura and the other survivors a few years afterwards. Either way, his relationship with Shura is more of a partnership where Shura and the other Kohga survivors and refugees are under Desmond’s protection and Desmond promised that he’d help them take back their country.

So Desmond had actually been in the process of making plans to take care of the Mokushu (and Kotaro) while creating his own Brotherhood when Corrin ‘returns’ to Hoshido.

Desmond knows he’s not blood-related to them but he still calls them his siblings. He and Ryoma respect one another but Desmond’s usual “I’ll throw away my honor if it means I can save people” makes him butt heads with Ryoma at times, mostly because Ryoma is worried just how ‘far’ Desmond is willing to go. Saizo is always serious and polite around him and Desmond likes to joke around just to poke at him. Saizo is also very hard on Kaze and always remind him to make sure to protect Desmond. Kagero is usually more reserved but she’s also the one who keeps trying to remind Ryoma to ease up on Desmond because she knows that Ryoma is trying but Desmond tend to misunderstand his words at times.

Hinoka and Desmond are close and Desmond sometimes treats Hinoka the way Ezio treats Claudia. Lots of teasing and light-hearted conversation. Hinoka is the one who always tries to remind Desmond to not take Ryoma’s words too seriously. Azama gives Desmond a headache at times but they’re not in bad terms. Desmond also worries a lot about Setsuna because of how reckless she can be.

Takumi has double the inferiority complex this time around because of Desmond and Ryoma being leagues stronger than him. It’s also annoying for him because Desmond talk to him a lot because Desmond could see Takumi’s inferiority complex a mile away and tries to help. He’s not sure if he’s actually helping and he’s acting the way he wished someone had acted around him with his own inferiority complex (and Desmond has loads of it considering he feels inferior to three Master Assassins and one Grand Master, add in a sprinkling of thinking William Miles is always disappointed at him). Oboro and Hinata both see this and they always love it when Desmond visits Takumi. Oboro is also the one who made the Assassin robes under Desmond’s ‘designs’ which she updated to feel more Hoshido-esque with Desmond’s approval. Hinata likes to spar with Desmond and uses the time they spar to talk about Takumi and how much they’re worrying about him. Desmond suggested they try treating Takumi more as a friend than their ‘boss’ as Desmond think Takumi might be lonely. The two are trying… with varying success.

Sakura loves Desmond and likes to call him ‘big brother’. Sakura actually grew up with Desmond taking care of her a lot of times (because Desmond likes to play hooky). It’s because of Desmond’s influence that she hides a dagger in her clothes and she knows how to use it. Sakura would probably be the most ‘changed’ among the royalties. Her personality is pretty much the same but she’s less shy and there are times when she can perfectly mimic Desmond. It usually means someone really bad is about to die. Hana has a crush on Desmond. Desmond knows it but he sees Hana as a little sister and treats her like, patting her head and such. That only makes Hana’s crush harder and Desmond finally understood how Altaïr felt towards Kadar. Subaki is always polite around Desmond and Desmond tries to make him ease up a lot but it’s taking a lot of time which Desmond is fine with.

(I skipped the other Hoshido characters because Desmond would probably not have met them until the start of the ‘main story’).

Speaking of which…

Corrin chooses Nohr in this situation and the Yato actually splits into two with Corrin receiving one and the other going to Desmond.

Desmond is driven by revenge as well but he also knows that Corrin’s devastation over the death of their mother is real which is why he tries to get more information while staying in Hoshido’s side.

After he meets Corrin once more, he doesn’t dream of the woman with blue hair but…

He receives her pendant at the same time Yato splits into two.

Desmond cannot transform into a dragon and no one knows why.

This one would feel like it’s going for a Conquest and Birthright route at the same time then will pull into the Revelations route after Desmond and Corrin finally talk (both of them trying to minimize the death count).

Once they get to Valla, they’re greeted by a message made of water from the blue haired woman who calls herself Azura. She tells them the truth… She made a deal with a ‘god’ from another world to pull the soul of a newly departed ‘hero’ into their world and to turn back time. That soul was Desmond. She did all of this because the real Corrin chose a path paid with blood (although it’s not clear if she chose Nohr or Hoshido) but the real enemy managed to push the world into a ‘bad ending’ of some sort even after all those sacrifices. In exchange for her ‘spot’, Desmond became Corrin’s twin. The message ends with Azura requesting them to defeat the true enemy of this world and bring true peace.

Azura is alive but she’s somewhere in Valla, only able to leave message to guide Corrin and Desmond that she had prepared beforehand so the two also made it their mission to find Azura as well.

[astrovian]

Summary of main points/new info from Richard Armitage's interview on Writers Pod:

- When Audible originally approached Richard, they asked specifically for a crime/thriller novel but wanted it to be ghost-written. Richard balked at this, as he didn't want to be reading someone else's words and passing them off as his own ("I couldn't read someone else's words as if they were mine"), so enthusiastically accepted the project with the caveat that he got to write it himself. This made Audible concerned ("Can he even write?"), but Richard submitted a plot outline as well as a writing sample which convinced Audible to drop the ghost-writing idea

- Geneva was written mostly in hotel rooms, including during filming for The Man From Rome and Stay Close, on his days off or on the weekends

- He was writing in both Ulysses and Word (on both his iPad and Laptop) but would have preferred to write with pen and paper. He has no idea what font he wrote in - just whatever the default is

- When shooting for a show/film, Richard looks at the next day's scene as the last thing he does before he sleeps, and he did the same for Geneva, reading through his plan for the chapter that he wanted to write the next day directly before going to sleep. The next day, he would get up, eat, go for a run, let the ideas he'd either come up with overnight or that morning soak in, and then come back in the afternoon and write it down. He would keep going, writing in free-flowing style as the ideas and words came into his head, and would end up staying up writing to 2am sometimes. He would then leave what he had written for a few days and come back to it later to start polishing and editing

- Exactly like he does when he is acting, RA keeps a black notebook behind his bed to jot notes from dreams down in

- When dealing with writer's block, Richard would focus on structuring the chapter instead e.g. the 'dot-to-dot' of what would happen in the chapter, creating a skeleton structure with gaps to fill in later. Richard credits his experiences with acting, which he refers to as a structured discipline (and because shooting always occurs out of sequence) as what made it easy for him mentally to write chapters out of order and leave gaps in them to come back to later when he felt inspiration strike

- When writing, Richard ended up imagining this story as his TV show/movie without realising it, picturing each scene (chapter) in his head and then writing that down

- "My brain works in a very visual way, my script margins are fill of pictures and images"

- "I did read every single word out loud to make sure it was right, musically, structurally". During the final recording process, he was still making editing changes, retro-fitting words or phrases that didn't sound right when read out

- Grammar editing of the novel was left to editors at Audible, but Richard acknowledged that this was very important despite being only an audiobook: he has likened it to writing music - without that information the reader/narrator doesn't know when to pause or take a break etc.

- "It may turn into a physical copy"

- "I knew I wanted this to be spoken in first person" after he thought about narrating Jekyll and Hyde. Richard loved the idea of the doctor writing letters about himself, which led to the idea of Daniel writing a case study about his own wife. He then realised Sarah, with all of her expertise and knowledge, needed a voice as well

- On writing in the crime/thriller genre: "I was very conscious of cheating the audience - red herrings frustrate me... but I also don't like things that are tied up too neatly"

- "I'm creating another treatment right now"

[theinstagrahame]

I keep seeing ads for BetterHelp and similar podcast-sponsoring mental health services which have horror stories. Some of these ads talk about how hard it is to find a therapist, which made me wonder: Are y'all as confused about how to find one as I was?

I went searching for a new therapist a couple of years ago, and had no idea where to start, honestly. My doctor recommended the Psychology Today website, but beyond that: what do? Call all of them and hope we click? Dust off the phone book and point to a random page in the P section? Go down the list alphabetically until I find one that I like?

My partner lucked out and immediately clicked with the first person their PCP suggested. A lot of my friends described just going and seeing if it worked out--and that had been my process previously.

I didn't really want to try that again, so I went with a new process. Which I think worked out well? I'm happy with my therapist, and have been seeing them for... somewhere between a year and 2 years. But, as I don't think I'm that unique, figured I'd write down what I did in case it helped someone else:

(This is presented with a lot of caveats. I have insurance, so that was part of my process. I was looking mostly for like, talk therapy. Someone with a need for more specialized care may need to make some adaptations.)

Step 1: go to the Psychology Today website (recommended by my Doctor). At least in mid 2023, they have a "Find a Therapist" tool front and center of the page.

Step 2: Enter your geographical area. Then use the search filters to pare the list down to people who specialize in the stuff you want to talk about. You can also specify telehealth, and weed out anyone who's not taking new clients.

Step 3: Look at the profiles. Honestly, this part is mostly vibes. I noticed a lot of the photos of older therapists reminded me too much of my parents or friends of my parents. There were a lot of things I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to them about, so I looked for someone I could imagine as a friend. Several of them also had short self-marketing paragraphs on their profiles, which I also took into consideration.

I'm calling this part out as important. I wanted to scout out someone who I'd feel comfortable talking to. One or two I crossed off my list because their writing felt "too hippy" for my comfort level. Here, you should ask yourself what you want in a therapist. If you're looking for someone with that air of parentitude, absolutely go for it. Finding a good fit therapist is 100% about comfort, so check in with yourself here. (Optional: You can also look at reviews on some insurance websites and/or Google for additional insight into the therapist's work)

Step 4: Compile a list of therapists you're interested in contacting. I went with 2-3, but honestly, given the state of the United States Healthcare System, 5+ is maybe a safe bet. Because the next step is...

Step 5: Open your Health Insurance website, and use their "Find a Therapist" tool. Use a similar geographical radius as earlier.

Step 6: Cross-reference your list with your health insurance website. Nix any that aren't covered (unless you *really* want to meet with them and see if you can work something out).

Step 7: Contact your top 2-3 picks. When I did this, I got emails back from 2 of them, both of whom were currently full, but expected to have availability in a couple of months. I waited, and went with the first one who got back. I like my therapist a lot!

Step 8: Go for a few sessions. If they don't bring it up (mine did), ask about what to do if you don't feel like it's a good fit. They're professionals, and shouldn't take it personally. Talk early and often about whether you both feel like it's a good match.

Note: This is about as important as Step 3, because your Vibes can lead you astray, but 1000%, you need to feel comfortable with your therapist. If you don't, you're just wasting their time and your money. Plus, you have a List, so if it doesn't work out, you can just hit the next name.

Truth be told, this was a process that spanned a couple of weeks (plus the waiting for availability). Partially because getting help is scary, so I had to work myself up to some parts of it. Partially because some steps did require me to ask myself uncomfortable questions about what I was looking for, and I had to work myself up to those answers. I'm also pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADHD, so like, easy to lose focus on this. But, making incremental progress was super helpful, and I did eventually get to the end.

Bear in mind: your mileage may vary. Your insurance options may vary. I am not a doctor, lawyer, or expert in anything here. I'm just some guy, you know?

Take what parts of this feel right, ignore the ones that don't--or that don't apply.

[queer-as-used-by-tolkien]

I'll agree, with the caveat that it's actually the first medium the story was produced in that's the best. take Star Wars, for example. better as a movie, hands down. because it was conceived as a movie.

stories that are conceived of and produced as books? better as books.

stories that are conceived/produced as podcasts? episodic TV shows? audio dramas? better in that medium.

even within the realm of writing, serial fiction is better as serial fiction than as a book series. fanfic is obviously fanfic, and if adapted to appeal to a fandom-blind audience, would lose some of its shine.

fanfic made into an audiobook format will lose some of its properties. things like punctuation, paragraph breaks, the vibes you get from the spelling of a name or place or fictional word - gone. just reading a book out loud puts it in a different medium that is different to the textual one. you put a voice to the narrative. a tone. the narrator becomes feminine or masculine. even the author becomes perceived as feminine or masculine. these are more nitpicky details but it DOES change.

I heard about a fic once that had a lot of blank space. like a random amount of paragraph breaks before the narrative resumed. it was about a guy dealing with grief from having lost his girlfriend or smth, so the readers assumed the blank space was meant to be reflective on the feelings or whatever.

no. nope. absolutely not.

highlight the blank space and it's actually more story. from the PoV of the dead girlfriend's ghost doing her OWN grieving journey! and also struggling with "oh no my boyfriend can't see me I'm INVISIBLE!" and "wow he's so sad I wish I could help!" transformed the whole story.

can't port that into any other format. Even a physical book. bc you can't select text in a physical book.

that story is inherently and forever bonded to the medium it was conceived and produced in, because that medium was part of the story as it was being conceived.

so much of writing is wordsmithing sentences. don't need that in a movie!

throughout the process of conceiving and producing a story in a given medium, the medium becomes baked-in to the medium to varying degrees, and porting it out will be bad to varying degrees (depending what it's being ported into).

book -> audiobook adaptations are mostly pretty fine. book -> movie? much worse.

movie -> TV show? well enough, perhaps (depending). TV show -> movie? depends, the serial/episodic nature can be quite relevant (i.e. in the case of Miraculous Ladybug) in a way that doesn't port to movie very well. do you have a villain fight every 20 minutes or do you have a longer plot? then again, it also might not be. sometimes it depends.

my point is, original medium is what matters in determining whether book or movie is best, and another factor is whether the original storyteller is the one making the adaptation and whether they're doing it bc of the market/copyrights/etc or whether they decided to of their own free will and are putting their soul into it like they did the first one.

i.e. if George Lucas woke up one day and said "actually yknow what I'm going to write books. to put in all that deep characterization and lore that never made it into the movies" then those could be awesome! (they could also be awful re: shattering a bunch of headcanons and nostalgia and changing the vibes of a lot of things, idk. I haven't seen that sort of thing done so I can't judge it. but as a story, I would say they at least have the potential to be equally as good.)

since movies don't get book adaptations very often, the general statement "books is better than the movies" (when the movie HAS a book to go with it) is true in a broad sense. but I like nitpicking, so. yeah.

[widaugast]

        META: DISINTEGRATE.

        Though I knew it was risky, it didn't truly sink in until after I processed the episode how much of a gamble Caleb's final "Disintegrate" at Vokodo was  ----  and how much of a seemingly uncalculated one.  I rarely delve into reading others' meta, but I spent a bit of time reading some last night, and have come to my own thoughts  ----  most of which build off of this post, and it makes a few very good points that I think are worth repeating and expanding upon here.

        First, there's the caveat that this is not ultimately our game or our choices  ----  canon divergence comes in on the latter, and go for it if it's what makes sense to you and makes you happy as a writer!  I'll always be curious about what prompts those choices, and over the years I've made a few myself on various muses.  Still, the first always applies  ----  just because casting this spell seems too risky of a choice for me to have made, or that I dislike it, doesn't mean it's necessarily an automatically "bad" one.  It's only a different choice than maybe my own might've been  ----  the aftereffects and how the rest of the Nein deal with the implications of it are really what I am curious about moving forward.

        I think part of the thorniness for this lies in that it exposes a side of Caleb we don't see as often  ----  but one we have seen recently, given the ghost fight and casting "Disintegrate" again then in those ruins.  Namely, it exposes how instinctual he can be when strictly doing damage.  He's so often strategizing, as the majority of his spells (and his sublcass) are focused on support that requires it, but when he's attacking, when it comes down to split-second "cause damage, end this quickly" because it seems like support isn't working anymore, or support hasn't worked well so far, then he will cause damage.  Even if that's to the detriment of his own and the party's safety or admittedly, shortsighted  ----  lighting the deck of Avantika's ship on fire with Wall of Fire while everyone's on it, trying to send a 5th-level Fireball at the dragon turtle while they're underwater because I need to damage this thing right now.  It doesn't even matter in the moment that it won't work as well as he'd hoped because they're underwater, what matters is I have to attack and this is what I have and all other thoughts  ----  especially strategic ones  ----  can really slide to the back of Caleb's brain when he's specifically dealing damage.

        This is something of a character flaw:  when Caleb is dealing extreme damage, his strategizing thoughts can often be won over by instinct, and an extreme tunnel-visioned security in his decisions that goes away the moment they're over and something's burning.  "I was so sure  ----  I was so sure, until I wasn't."  That's been there since day one.

        In this case especially, this is a flaw I expect to have consequences.  I'll be curious to see what they are, but I don't think after taking the risk of Banishing his own party members because Banishment was at least not yet resorting to damage, not directly killing this thing, Caleb's going to get away scot-free from some amount of judgement from the other Nein about that decision in the long run, or even the short-term.  I wouldn't expect it.  Earlier this episode, Veth emphasized  ----  granted, in a different conversation  ----  that friends call friends on each other's shit, and I think it wouldn't be unwarranted for any of the Nein in this case.  Especially Beau, since she was banished the first time, or Jester, who'd been Vokodo's main antagonist in those last few minutes and likely would have been the one reflected on had the Disintegrate gone poorly.

        However, I wonder on the last if Caleb didn't expect to get his spell reflected back on himself  ----  or at least, Liam was expecting as much if something went wrong.  He'd have been very clearly the one trying that damage  ----  the ultimate damage  ----  of course it's possible that it might've just been struck straight back at him.  It's equally possible it could have hit someone else, but that's in neither Liam nor Caleb's control  ----  it was in Matt's and we don't know what he would have chosen. He could have been checking for below the spell’s damage to either strike that person or to avoid it, we just don’t know.

        All of this to say I don't excuse this for being reckless, which it was  ----  any creature successfully effected by Disintegrate can only be brought back by True Resurrection or Wish, neither of which any of the Nein have.  (Depending on her level, Vilya might have the former, but that would be a big ask for someone so new to their acquaintance, and they're running low on residuum.)  However, I do think it's not out-of-character.  If anything, it was very in-character, exemplifying one of Caleb's deepest long-running flaws he has yet to reckon with.

       It’s also a good reminder that Neutral alignments are just that ---- neutral, not “good lite,” with all the thorns and misguided actions and shortsightedness and hubris and flaws that that comes with. Loving something, even a character or a campaign, means acknowledging these flaws, not sweeping them under the rug ---- even when they aren’t flaws or decisions we wouldn’t have necessarily made ourselves.  What’s equally natural for flaws and spurts of hubris are consequences and learning from them, and that’s what I’m interested in moving forward.

[feanorianethicsdepartment]

some scattered thoughts about what i’ve started calling the homecoming au, that au where maedhros and maglor come back to tirion after the war of wrath, end up prisoners-in-all-but-name in finarfin’s palace, and nothing is beautiful and everything hurts. credit for @sunflowersupremes for writing the au that for lack of a better word inspired me, credit to @outofangband for listening to me blather about this over dms, warning to everybody, this au is dark. it’s essentially about maedhros and maglor being abused for being mentally ill, talk of suicide, late stage fëanorians somehow getting worse, generally not a fun time. caveat lector

i feel like it’s worth emphasising that by the end of the war of wrath maedhros and maglor are in a bad, bad mental state

they’re so inured to violence death means nothing to them, and neither of them really remembers what it feels like to be happy. they’ve lost everything, whether to the fires of war or the maw of the oath. there are so many things maglor can’t let himself think about or he’ll tip off the precipice into madness, so many things maedhros has quietly put aside to deal with after the end of the world. they’ve got nothing left but ash and nowhere to go but their own destruction. they’re fully aware of the monsters they are, and they loathe those monsters as much as anyone else

finarfin’s offer of mercy feels like a miracle. it’s a way - it’s a way out, first and foremost, a way to somewhere else, because what could possibly be worse than this? maybe it’s even a way back to the dreamlike world of their childhood, when they were more than their sharp edges and they could look on the future without despair. i figure this is an au where maglor won that last argument, predicated entirely on the possibility of an existence without pain

maedhros is skeptical, but logics himself into going along. on one condition

‘please’ maglor tells their uncle, trying to let his guard down and show as much vulnerability as his pride will allow. ‘do not give us to the valar’

he’s more successful than he realises. the last remaining sons of fëanor have been growing visibly more and more unstable for decades now. even the elves who were once their closest lieutenants approach them with caution now

finarfin catches a glimpse of what his nephews have become. he makes a conscious decision to choose pity over fear

which - yeah, alright. maglor and maedhros need therapy, they need to process their emotions in healthy ways and build selves they can be comfortable in the skins of again. and the general mood in tirion is one of reconciliation. it was the younger generation that went to beleriand, so many people have children they feel like they’ve failed

but if they can un-fail these two, maybe there’s hope. maybe there’s a chance for them to heal

except, well. nobody who stayed in aman - nobody who’s seen cuiviénen, really, beleriand was nasty - can really process just how much healing needs to be done

like. i’ve said this before, but screeching furiously at each other at high volume for multiple hours is a regular thing maedhros and maglor do. they’re the last people in the world either of them is even slightly close to, their relationship is shot through with as much bitter hate as it is steady reliance, and really, who else can they yell at

it’s a maladaptive coping mechanism. their minders recognise this inside five minutes, i’ll give them that much

it’s just. their eventual method of stopping the fight, after trying and failing to talk the brothers down, is to jump them and gag them to stop them making so much noise

partially they were worried it might escalate into a physical fight, which to be fair, these screaming matches occasionally do. but partially they just wanted them to stop

(this is the first really big incident, but things have been subtly, uncomfortably wrong for a while now. there’s this vibe that everything would be so much easier if the brothers just behaved. acted like the nice normal princes they used to be)

(but they can’t. they’re trying (well, maglor is; maedhros is mostly going along out of resignation) but they can’t. and when all the little tensions of this supposed-to-be-happy-ending get too much, they take it out on each other, like they always do. what are they supposed to do, unleash their own corruption onto the innocent valinoreans?)

(as is usual with these shriekfests, it got vicious fast. it was maedhros saying that he should have just killed the both of them back in beleriand that makes their minders decide they have to stop this now)

the whole situation’s a mess. the way the non-exile noldor are thinking, if they can just put all the unpleasantness behind them, things can go back to normal and they can forget any of this ever happened

the valinoreans are trying to help, you understand. it’s just that their definition of ‘help’ involves sweeping everything under the rug so they can all be happy again

and everything the brothers do to remind people of all that makes them... uncomfortable

maedhros and maglor are never left alone. there’s always someone within at least hearing distance, keeping an eye on them. they initially say it’s for the brothers’ own benefit - so there’s always someone nearby in case they need help, like - but the first time maglor gets so frustrated he starts trashing his room he is immediately seized

the valinoreans get very good at stopping the brothers from doing the thing. they are less good at addressing the reasons why the brothers feel the need to do the thing

maglor is by far the angrier of the two. when he has a bad day, everyone around him knows it. he snarks, he glares at people from corners, he refuses to be at all cooperative. even on his good days, his mood never goes far above ‘melancholic’

maedhros, on the other hand, is quiet. he does what people tell him to, mostly. he sits in place and acts the perfect patient and only occasionally tries to kill himself. a poisonous plant picked here, a window’s lock subtly fiddled with there, he’s good at waiting for his minders to lower their guard enough he can take a chance

(neither of them are particularly violent towards the valinoreans to begin with, and their violent tendencies towards themselves, each other, and inanimate objects quickly recede. lashing out like that always, always makes things worse)

sometimes he’ll regress back into behaviours he learned in angband. the first time this happens and the valinoreans figure out what’s going on, he gets a very polite finarfin asking him to please stop equating them with the enemy, finarfin knows they aren’t settling in as well as they might but it’s very offensive to be compared to morgoth

still, they learn. there’s this one incident when maedhros is having a fit, and while all their minders are running about trying to make him stop, maglor, who happens to be in the room, is standing completely still, staring at nothing

one of the minders snaps ‘come on, help! don’t you care about your brother?’

... he does. they’re closer now than they were in beleriand, leaning against each others’ bodies, quietly holding hands. the palace is full of people all the time, but they’re still so isolated from the rest of the world

it’s just hard to protect someone else when you’re barely hanging on yourself

you ever write a perfect closing line, and also it’s 1:30 am? yep, yep, i’m going to bed. more tomorrow, i’d guesstimate three parts in total

[alexzalben]

What do you think of all the backlash the last Riverdale episode received? I’ve never seen the writers speak out like this before on all the hate.

This is a pretty complicated topic that I probably can’t do justice with one Tumblr ask, but I’ll try to address some of the broad strokes ideas here. And hang tight, because this is gonna go long.

First of all, a caveat: I have by no means read through every comment the writers were responding to, nor do I know what they discussed or how they’re feeling about things, nor do I speak for them in any way.

However, I do think one of the joys and downfalls of making TV in the social media era is the accessibility of the creative team to fans. Joys because it opens up new ways of understanding how a show is made, demystifying the process, which is always a good thing. Downfalls because to some fans - not all fans, by any means - it makes them feel like they have a say in what happens in the show.

On the latter, it’s not to say that the writers aren’t listening, on many series they’re well aware of what fans think about their show, the plots, the ships, etc. Sometimes they’ll even shift where they’re going based on fan feedback. Nikki and Paolo on Lost are the example I always go to, where they were introduced to show the outside perspective of what other survivors were doing while Jack and his gang were going on adventures... And everybody HATED THEM. So much so that plans changed and they were literally buried alive on the show by the end of the season, in a very unsubtle metaphor.

That said, there’s a difference between what I perceive to be the tone around Nikki and Paolo, which mind you was pre-Twitter days, and what some shows have to deal with now: one is constructive criticism presented as “hey we don’t like this”; the latter sometimes veers into “you suck and you should kill yourself.”

I want to emphasize again: this is not everyone. Usually there is a small section of any group of people that delves into hyper-negativity, and they always get an outsized focus to the number of people who actually do that. Again, example here, but for a while I was part of a pretty popular online sketch comedy group. We got tons of views, tons of comments, I’d estimate 95-99% of those comments were great. Did I internalize those? Of course not. I internalized the one comment out of 100 that told me what a shitty writer I was. That’s the one that rolled around in my head all night, because it seeped into the fear that most writers have that they do suck and will never be successful, at any level. It’s Imposter Syndrome, plain and simple, and it affects everyone no matter how famous (or not) they are.

Reason I mention that is it’s entirely possible that 99% of the comments to the writers of Riverdale this episode were mostly fine, but if 1% of them were of the “fucking kill yourself” variety, that hurts, a lot. It’s not on everyone, by any means, but that pulls the focus, and it’s horrifying every time no matter how often it happens (and believe me, it happens far too often).

Specifically with Riverdale, there are another few factors that are exacerbating this. One is, and I don’t want to diminish this: the pandemic. We’re a year in and people are crumbling mentally. Nothing has been “normal” for a year, that impacts every single aspect of your life, and some things are easier to lash out at than others, like a TV show. If a deadly virus is causing inconsistency? Not much you can do about that. If your fave TV show is shaking up the broadcast schedule and changing your favorite couples? Complain to the writers, the directors, the actors, etc.

The other is the arc of this season so far, which I do think is driving people fucking nuts. This again gets back to the pandemic, but ending with episode 19, waiting months, and then coming back for a premiere that is actually the third to the last episode of the season? That’s unsettling. It throws you off kilter, because it’s not the right rhythm. I know this sounds a little silly, but it’s actually very important: stories have a rhythm to them, and a lot of TV shows in particular have had that rhythm broken. Riverdale had three episodes that were all essentially climax, then upended the show with a time jump, and has continued to mix things around almost every episode. And then it’ll be going into another three month break.

This is definitely the point where someone says “mix things around? they’re doing the same couples they always did.” Sure, theoretical person. But having sifted through fan comments and tweets over the past couple of weeks, every single week one section of the fanbase has been 100% sure it is their ship’s time to shine, and the next they’re being told it’s done forever, and then the next they’re back on, then the next they’re done... It’s an emotional rollercoaster ride, and that’s how the writers designed it, and it’s frankly not over yet. But add in that pandemic uncertainty above, and you have a recipe for people panicking.

Also, and again, this is a small section of any fanbase, but it’s very clear that because of this hyped up panic, some people are being absolutely terrible assholes to other fans. I know I don’t usually curse this much, but the amount of gloating I’ve seen from people on all sides, back and forth, is super gross. Personally, if someone is sobbing for whatever reason, my reaction has never been to quote tweet them with “you lost, get over it” and a peace sign emoji. It sucks when people are sad, and we have a moral obligation to make sure other people feel okay. Don’t know if you’ve ever heard this one, but “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Sort of an important life rule.

Overall, I think a fanbase is stronger is they support each other rather than engaging in ship wars, and I do think there’s a lot of people who do do that. Or just express their displeasure, without attacking people. But there are some people who do, and that’s overall making the whole tone of the discussion that much worse.

So what’s the solution here? I always emphasize to my writers that it’s okay to have a negative take as long as you provide something constructive about a way out of the situation, and I’ll apply that both to the Riverdale fanbase, as well as this extremely long Tumblr ask.

There are three things I’d suggest, and both of them are on you. By “you” I mean the general you, and the reason I suggest them, versus what the writers and creators of Riverdale can do is that “you” are the thing you can control and change.

The first is changing the tone of the discussion. Realize that there are people deeply, emotionally impacted in different ways by this TV show. Allow that they may be having different emotional reactions than you, and give them the space and the support to work through it. If you’re a Varchie fan, it actually makes you a better fan to check on a Barchie fan and see if they’re okay. If you’re a Barchie fan, it’s okay to be happy for a Varchie fan and sad at the same time. Mainly because none of you had anything to do with it. This isn’t even a case where you wore your lucky socks and your fave team won the game. The writers are writing what they wrote, and you are a passive observer, not involved other than the involvement you bring to it. So if everyone supports each other regardless of the circumstances, that will improve things overall.

The second? Disengage. Take a break. Stop watching the show. You have no obligation to tweet, or go on any other social media outlet for this series, nor do you have to keep watching the show if it hurts you. In fact, taking a show break if you feel too involved is a very good thing. Check out, clear your head and come back much later and look at it with fresh eyes.

Third? Think before you comment. It took me a long time to get here with this one, and I’m still working on it, but before you comment: pause, read it over again, and think “is this something I really want to send?” You do get that rush of taking whatever anger you’re feeling and getting it out of your body and mind, but ultimately it’s usually more damaging than either waiting, posting something a little more thoughtful, or not posting at all. It’s really thinking about what you’re adding to the conversation, and what you’re hoping to get back.

So there you go. Lots of thoughts there, and I’m sure there’s lots more to say. This is only my outside perspective on this, and I hope it’s helpful at least in some small way. And if not, that is cool, too!

[carmenxjulia]

Another Duane interview transcript, coming at you! This one was from a smaller Carmen Sandiego chatroom. There were several interviewers, so that’s why the name of the question asker changes. Get the details below the break! Stay tuned, more interview transcripts coming soon.

Duane Capizzi:

HI EVERYONE! I'M IN!

Sorry I'm late, I got lost on the way haha. Then got lost trying to change my PFP

Thanks for gathering! Shall we get started? Let's do some Q&A!

(as long as they are not geography questions haha)

Fuel:

What characters or plot points were cut from the final product?

Duane Capizzi:

Ooo, starting with a right hook to the jaw!

Let me think about that for a moment: I'm hesitant to give too much away because I'm really hoping we can tell more stories in this world at some point

Which is to say, we tend not to waste anything: if we don't use it when we originally planned, we usually find a way to use something later - and there's usually a "karmic" reason that we waited.

I'll also preface by saying this: I know season 3 was more of a mini-drop and some felt season 4 was rushed. But I wish EVERY season were longer. Season 1: ideally, i wanted the Pilot to be its own event and 10 more episodes after that (but we had to tell the post-Pilot story in 7. At the end of the day, that had its benefits: we got to the Shadowsan turn earlier and I think that's when a lot of viewers realized the ride they were truly in for). Season 2: we initially figured we'd need 5 episodes to have Carmen doing the ACME dance with Chief, and wound up doing it in 3 - mostly because it quickly became clear that Rio needed to be a 2 parter, and the Zack and Ivy backstory a rough 2 parter. So we squeezed 3 episodes worth of plot into 209. It was exhilarating!

So, we had hoped to have more episodes for Season 4 of course. We had a ton of ideas and had to compress things a bit. But honestly in many ways it was for the better. I know we all wanted to live in this world longer, but I think sometimes the flip side is true - when you have big ongoing storylines, it can get frustrating when some things drag out too long. But, we got all the "story" we wanted to tell in Season 4 - we just lost some "incident" if that makes sense. We would have taken longer to get there.

So, all that preface to answer the question: we wanted to do more musical numbers! We had a Bollywood dance sequence in a return to India caper with Paperstar. We wanted to do a famous Elvis suit theft in Las Vegas during an Elvis impersonator convention (Shadowsan's an early elvis guy; Brunt likes the Vegas "jumpsuit" era). We also wanted to do a thread where Gunnar gets captured by ACME so that Julia could interrogate him and he could play mind games with her a la Hannibal Lector and Clarice. CAVEAT TO ALL THIS: these were some ideas that were bouncing around, that may not have seen the light of day if we couldn't get them to work. But they were on our wish list.

re: "other stories" - I could live with these characters for another 32 episodes easily and there have of course been discussions. But alas, that is up to the powers that be. Let's keep fingers crossed - and keep the Carmen love alive online so that someone up there takes note

There is more of course, but those are some things that spring to mind.

Fuel:

Were there any scenes cut for time that were your favorite?

Duane Capizzi:

Not much springs to mind: our directors were amazing at getting everything in the scripts to fit naturally (and in fact, I was the one who was usually suggesting trims to let other things breathe, etc). We were limited to 22 minutes of episode time, NOT counting front and end credits so a little longer than the average show. We have a pretty good idea when the SCRIPT is too long, so the cutting usually happens at script stage before it gets to the board crew so that they don't waste efforts over-boarding material that won't be used.

We had hoped to build out Chase and Carmen teaming up for the first time, meeting at Carmen's hotel lobby etc for more scenes of them together; but had to reduce that to get that all to fit in the VERY packed episode 406. But again, tighter was fine considering. That's one area that leaps to mind. (note that when I say packed, I don't mean that in a bad way: we spend a lot of time pouring over details in editing to make sure everything gets its due).

If I think of anything, I'll circle back at a later point. But the simple answer is that scenes were usually trimmed or compressed at script rather than board or animatic. So nothing comes to mind. I know it's hard to believe, but "shorter is usually better."

except for my answers to fan questions of course

Fuel:

We saw that in s4 episode 6 that Julia's mother(?) is wearing a necklace remarkably similar to the one Julia wears all the time. Is this the same necklace and if so, why was it given to Julia?

Duane Capizzi:

Just when I thought I was detail oriented! Wow! You guys blow me away

I can't take credit for that: it was either the board artist or director who added that. They do slip things in! As I've said before, EVERYONE on the crew really brought their A-game and were as deep thinking and as passionate as I was/am about the show.

It's a nice detail and I would say your interpretation works!

It took me three or four reviews before noticing that the team had slipped in baby Carmen near the play set in Mom's front yard at the end of 408. When I caught it, I was like: bravo!

Fuel:

When they first met, Zack and Ivy said to Carmen that they were the only family they had, do you know what happened to the rest of Zack and Ivy's family?

Duane Capizzi:

I don't. At least, I don't yet until such a time that I might have the opportunity to explore that. It was important to their relationship with Carmen that they be orphans, so they had that common bond (aside from being "thieves who steal from bad guys" - even if it was only gonna be one time for Zack and Ivy).

I know there are writers out there who like to do entire bio's for characters up front but i'm not one of them. It could be a trap in many ways. I like to have a general idea but be open to the demands of the ongoing storyline. You discover things along the way - it's like you're taking a journey with the characters by writing them, and the longer you spend, the better you get to know them (that was not a prepared statement by the way - I just made that up but I'll have to use it again :). So in Z/I's case it wasn't important to the story or Carmen's relationship, we felt. Conversely, we STARTED with Shadowsan's family backstory with 203, but more important to me was that we use it as a platform to explain why he stays with Carmen and crew. He really has no home at that point, so it was relevant to the present ongoing story. Which is what made that especially powerful to me.

Also, there's always a push-pull between telling character back stories while balancing them with ongoing episodic plots. You have to service both. If you just tell back story, then you're writing a biography

Arden:

What was the biggest challenge when designing these characters, especially the pre-existing characters from the series in the 90's?

Duane Capizzi:

This is probably more of a question for Chromosphere, re: challenges. But from my standpoint overseeing that process, the first thing I'll say is that we weren't necessarily trying to be "true" to those characters since we reinvented nearly every one from the ground up. (with the exception of Carmen of course - her trademark red hat/coat weren't going anywhere! But mostly the update with Carmen was in the styling of her "outerwear"

ALTHOUGH: I will admit that I was pushing for Carmen to have shorter hair as Carmen. I thought it would be a cool update. Chromosphere were really passionate about giving her long full hair and I have to see that they were right. The short tomboy cut worked so well for Black Sheep anyway. We had a different hair style for each of her ages.

So about the reinventions: Gunnar is in spirit a similar character to the original (old colleague in Vile and an early mentor if I remember), but his presentation completely different. We weren't trying to be "in canon" with the original. The beauty of CSD is that every incarnation has been its own entity so that freed us to reimagine the characters. THE CLEANERS, for instance: gimme some Cleaner love! There were a pair of janitors from the original game named RICK AND NICK ICK. They were literally janitors, it was too silly for our purposes. But, it's one small step to make them "Cleaners" (in the sinister hit men sense) - and lo, our reinvention.

So to summarize the answer to your question, they weren't really challenges to me so much as FUN to creatively reinvent the original characters (many of which were from the game, so not really "characters" per se with dialogue and inner lives). Whenever we could, we tried to use character names from the originals and update their looks and personalities. Where we couldn't find an equivalent for what we needed, we created characters from whole cloth. For instance, it seemed a miss to do a heist show without a tunnel guy and a high rise climber guy. Hence, LC & ET, everyone's favorite taco truck vendors!

(yes, i've seen some short hair carmen fan art on Twitter - someone did a great one recently!)

Arden:

Are there plans to give us more of the characters in, say, novel/graphic novel form?

Duane Capizzi:

I know HMH has done a bunch and no doubt have more in works. There's currently a novelization of the Pilot with some additional material if anyone's interested. I consulted on the second one, Clue for Clue, because it falls in the timeline while Chase was still Interpol/pre-Acme so was tricky.

And depending on whether another series in this canon makes it to air, I may just approach them about writing one or two myself to get some "further adventures" our there. Anything is possible!

Arden:

If you could go back and change anything about the series, what would it be?

Duane Capizzi:

File under anecdote, but there was what I felt was an important expression on Gray that kept me awake at nights, from his graduation ceremony at Vile. When we revisited those flashbacks in the Gray arc in Season 4, I had them change his expression there (to be more evil less innocent). We had it corrected in 404 so was able to get permission to have Netflix "fix" the Pilot by adding that shot in. I am tenacious!

We really poured over everything, it's the series that I have virtually zero complaints with the end product to be honest. But the simple answer is: I would have gone back to 106 and "un-greek'd" Gray's nametag. It's sort of a rule for international that we scramble signage (which is weird for a show that takes place in many countries/languages, I know I know). It's mostly for localization/translation reasons. And I'm sure there are some countries where Gray's name might be spoken differently. But as a proper name, I think we could have made an exception and seen "Gray" on his name tag. See? Details! But that's about the worst of it

there's also like one small line from Chief in 208 where she indicates she knows Carmen is a good guy (something to that effect) which I felt was too absolute and would have tweaked the line to temper it a bit. It's tiny, but looking back it sort of bugs me and I kick myself for not catching it. But this is absolutely the series I wanted and couldn't be happier.

Carmen:

How did Carmen know she could trust Julia? As far as we know, she has not seen or heard Julia defending her, and in the Fashionista Caper, Julia even held up her gas gun to her, saying she was under arrest. Do you have any opinions on this? Was it just intuition?

Duane Capizzi:

I'm gonna go with intuition

Carmen was raised on an island with some hardened criminal types. I think she's a pretty good judge of character. Poor Julia, trying to be tough with Carmen didn't suit her.

But, great observation! I'd have to mentally step through everything to see if Carmen had any earlier indication but i think you're right there.

Yes, sometimes you just gotta follow your heart

Carmen:

Are there any characters that didn't actually interact that you think would get along well?

Duane Capizzi:

Amazing question! First, I'd have to think more about who DIDN'T meet - you're asking the hard questions haha. But "get along well" is very specific! Hmmm, care to volley anyone?

I'll also add that so many smaller moments get lost in the "binge" of it all, but I am surprised how few fans have noted the first meeting between Player and Julia. THAT was a good one IMO! Very sweet!

Before getting back to your question, I also want to add that we were originally going to find a way for Carmen to lose her earring in Stockholm so that Julia could pick it up and be communicating with Player. BUT, I cut it at treatment stage because I knew we didn't have room in that episode to service it. Circling back to questions 1 & 2, another case where it turned out better saved for later IMO (saving Player meeting Julia, not to mention the earring business in 402 with Ivy).

Oh of course, Julia and any of the other Vile members. It would have been Gunnar for my vote, as mentioned earlier. We probably would not have had Julia meet anyone else and mixed it up more. I like that Cleo sort of became J's personal nemesis.

YES, SONIA & XIFENG (and LUPE PELIGRO, if I can add). The intent was (and is, if we ever get to revisit) to see them again in Carmen's travels. We started to expand Carmen's world but when we finally learned the finite number of episodes we had to finish the story, we drilled back down into the essentials. Would love to see them some day!

I'm hesitant to share too many things I have in mind in this forum for hope that they will see the light of day one day. You know, "spoilers"

Julia:

Do you have any opinions on Zari? Just in general? Some thoughts on her backstory would be nice if possible

Duane Capizzi:

I love Zari! I really don't have any back story on her at this point. She was originally just "Agent B" but when the need arose to give story points to another agent, we chose her because she looked so awesome! And Sharon Muthu gave voice to her so wonderfully.

I love when we finally teamed her with Chase. Hopefully the anticipation was that she would give him a hard time. I love that we defied expectation (organically, of course) and had her respect him by the end of that episode (for believing that he foiled Carmen!)

Julia:

Do you have any thoughts on small facts about any character, major or minor, that you think are fun/interesting to think about, but don't necessarily add to the plot itself?

Duane Capizzi:

Bellum, like myself, likes cats. But you knew that!

I try to put everything pertinent on screen, doing double duty to service any given episode's story but also the overarching story. That "journey" thing I mentioned earlier - we had no idea Chase falling on his own car would be a thing when I first came up with it. But as other characters refer to the incident, it took on a life of its own and made the characters feel more real.

Sorta kinda related to this question and some earlier ones, I will say that I DO think there's more to learn about Shadowsan's past vis a vis Lady Dokuso: it's clear to me that they have a history together, and it's something I hope to explore someday soon (maybe in a book if not another series

Julia:

Are the Carmen Sandiego books a part of canon?

Duane Capizzi:

I only consulted on the first two or three (too busy with series!) and have not read them, so hard for me to answer in a definite way. They are definitely in the universe we've created, but not in the timeline that I know of (which would have been too hard to pull off with our script development running concurrently). But do know that the book team at HMH pays close attention to the series and world so they should be perfectly compatible. Look no further to their clever social media on the series for example.

Kenz:

We saw in season 4 that Julia and Carmen helped each other mid to long term; would there ever be a possibility that Julia would permanently or semi-permanently join team Red?

Duane Capizzi:

Of course there's a possibility. But in a sense, with ACME now finally on Carmen's side, in a sense if Carmen were back in the game Julia, Chase, Zack and Ivy would ALL be an extension of Carmen's crew. But, would J remain with ACME or literally come to Carmen's team at her HQ? As they said in an old radio show: "Only The Duane Capizzi knows ..."

Kenz:

Where do you see Carmen in her retirement (if she retires)? Do you think she would still travel the world or settle down somewhere? Similarly, do you have any thoughts on what some other characters could be doing years down the line?

Duane Capizzi:

That is a big question, and one difficult to answer without some potential future spoilers (and yes, I really want to tell more Carmen stories if you can't tell But I'll answer by giving you one "read" on our open-ended ending as seen in 408 (read no further if you haven't seen it - yeah, right haha). The ending suggests to me that Carmen settled down for a spell to forge that relationship with her mother, to make up for lost time. But, if that is indeed Carmen that we see on the rooftop, I think the ending suggests that Carmen doesn't stay still for very long. If Vile is back, there is work to be done! Carmen has a life mission - she's one determined lady.

But of course, it's deliberately ambiguous: "anyone with your heart, wisdom and courage can be Carmen Sandiego." Is it Carmen? Sonia? Someone we haven't met? I think both endings resonate: Caroline and I always said "Carmen is bigger than a person, Carmen is a movement" would be a great message to end the series on. And I think our ending resolves this chapter of Carmen's journey as a person, but also elevates her to mythic status. Which is why I love it!

And, that seems to me a pretty perfect question and answer to end our chat on. Thanks everyone! Again, I cannot tell you how moved I am to see that we have such a passionate, intelligent and talented fan base. THANK YOU.

Take care guys, thanks again for having me! 'night!

[smartbutuncertified]

So. Today I read J.K. Rowling’s essay on trans people.

I could spend hours finding sources to debunk what she said. I could yell until my fingers are tired that trans women are women, trans men are men, and nonbinary people are valid. I could cry. I could leave it to others. It’s been a long few months. I’m tired.

But I’m a trans man. I can see how she’s weaponizing our existence against our trans sisters. I can’t let that pass.

A lot of the discussion around TERFs revolves around trans women, and for good reason. TERF’s hatefulness is primarily directed at AMAB trans people, especially transfem ones, because of the mistaken belief that they are men invading women’s spaces. All that they are doing is striving to be treated as who they are instead of who others say that they are.

Because of this, much of the pushback against TERFs comes from a place of support of and defense for trans women. This has led to the TERFs developing a tactic that I’m going to name “Dysphoric ‘women’ in distress.”

Persistently attacking a group without clearly defending someone is a great way to get panned for being unreasonable. TERFs don’t want to be seen as a hate movement, so they focus their vitriol on trans women, and attempt to sweep trans men and AFAB nonbinary people under their banner. They’re protecting all “females”, see? No bigotry here.

Here’s a few passages from Rowling’s essay about trans men, and about biological sex, in the order that they appear. The bolding is mine.

“Ironically, radical feminists aren’t even trans-exclusionary – they include trans men in their feminism, because they were born women.”

“The fourth is where things start to get truly personal. I’m concerned about the huge explosion in young women wishing to transition and also about the increasing numbers who seem to be detransitioning (returning to their original sex), because they regret taking steps that have, in some cases, altered their bodies irrevocably, and taken away their fertility.“

“The UK has experienced a 4400% increase in girls being referred for transitioning treatment. Autistic girls are hugely overrepresented in their numbers.“

“The writings of young trans men reveal a group of notably sensitive and clever people.  The more of their accounts of gender dysphoria I’ve read, with their insightful descriptions of anxiety, dissociation, eating disorders, self-harm and self-hatred, the more I’ve wondered whether, if I’d been born 30 years later, I too might have tried to transition. The allure of escaping womanhood would have been huge. “

“I’ve read all the arguments about femaleness not residing in the sexed body, and the assertions that biological women don’t have common experiences, and I find them, too, deeply misogynistic and regressive. It’s also clear that one of the objectives of denying the importance of sex is to erode what some seem to see as the cruelly segregationist idea of women having their own biological realities or – just as threatening – unifying realities that make them a cohesive political class. “

Trans men are not women. We are not girls. We are mostly AFAB, with some intersex and CAFAB men as well.

As an autistic trans man, autistic people may be more likely to transition, but that doesn’t mean that our transitions are less valid or more suspect. To say otherwise is both ableism and infantalization.

Lastly, the idea of womanhood being biological is as deeply offensive to us as it is to trans women. We share a lot of the health risks and need for reproductive rights and justice that cis women do, but this does not make us women. Trans women are women, not us.

Trans men are not delusional women to be protected from ourselves. We are not part of any “class” of women. This sickly sweet “compassion” because we “were born women” is not something that we support or want any part of. We are not and never will be women. The only people we’re in danger from are transphobes like Rowling.

This is not to say that trans men face the same things as trans women.

Trans women face a whole section of transphobia that transmasc people are exempt from, transmisogny. They are disproportionately targeted by TERFs and other transphobes.

Compare what she says about trans women to the statements about trans men. Again, the bolding is mine.

“Magdalen was an immensely brave young feminist and lesbian who was dying of an aggressive brain tumour. I followed her because I wanted to contact her directly, which I succeeded in doing. However, as Magdalen was a great believer in the importance of biological sex, and didn’t believe lesbians should be called bigots for not dating trans women with penises, dots were joined in the heads of twitter trans activists, and the level of social media abuse increased.“

“Examples of so-called TERFs range from the mother of a gay child who was afraid their child wanted to transition to escape homophobic bullying, to a hitherto totally unfeminist older lady who’s vowed never to visit Marks & Spencer again because they’re allowing any man who says they identify as a woman into the women’s changing rooms. “

“I happen to know a self-described transsexual woman who’s older than I am and wonderful. Although she’s open about her past as a gay man, I’ve always found it hard to think of her as anything other than a woman, and I believe (and certainly hope) she’s completely happy to have transitioned. Being older, though, she went through a long and rigorous process of evaluation, psychotherapy and staged transformation. The current explosion of trans activism is urging a removal of almost all the robust systems through which candidates for sex reassignment were once required to pass. A man who intends to have no surgery and take no hormones may now secure himself a Gender Recognition Certificate and be a woman in the sight of the law.”

“But, as many women have said before me, ‘woman’ is not a costume. ‘Woman’ is not an idea in a man’s head.”

“So I want trans women to be safe. At the same time, I do not want to make natal girls and women less safe. When you throw open the doors of bathrooms and changing rooms to any man who believes or feels he’s a woman – and, as I’ve said, gender confirmation certificates may now be granted without any need for surgery or hormones – then you open the door to any and all men who wish to come inside.”

“On Saturday morning, I read that the Scottish government is proceeding with its controversial gender recognition plans, which will in effect mean that all a man needs to ‘become a woman’ is to say he’s one. To use a very contemporary word, I was ‘triggered’. Ground down by the relentless attacks from trans activists on social media, when I was only there to give children feedback about pictures they’d drawn for my book under lockdown, I spent much of Saturday in a very dark place inside my head, as memories of a serious sexual assault I suffered in my twenties recurred on a loop. That assault happened at a time and in a space where I was vulnerable, and a man capitalised on an opportunity.  I couldn’t shut out those memories and I was finding it hard to contain my anger and disappointment about the way I believe my government is playing fast and loose with womens and girls’ safety.“

Things to note:

She was concerned about trans men undergoing voluntary hormones and surgeries because they “have, in some cases, altered their bodies irrevocably, and taken away their fertility.”, but is repeatedly horrified by the idea that trans women could be considered women without them.

She is consistently pitching the narrative that trans women’s interests are men’s interests and in conflict with women’s interests.

The misgendering is about equal in both sections, but in this one, the misgendering is intentionally framed as trans women being deceitful men, whereas trans men are framed as women and “girls” in distress. Notice that the trans women are always “men”, never “boys”, for maximum implicit threat.

“’woman’ is not a costume” is a huge red flag. Trans women aren’t wearing costumes, they’re living their lives as women.

The narrative she’s weaving is that trans men are misled women who need help and protection, and trans women are potentially predatory men. She leaves caveats, such as the “self-described transsexual woman”, but even she is referred to as a former man, and we don’t know how that trans woman feels about that. She’s being used as a prop, framed as an exception.

This is all transphobia, and heavily leans towards transmisogyny.

In short:

Trans men aren’t interested in you persecuting our sisters to “defend” us. Fuck off, Rowling.

[lost-in-zembla]

Disco Elysium or: How I learned to Stop Wallowing and Love the Game

I will now review a videogame. No real spoilers. Just very vague descriptions below.

My writing this is uncharacteristic of me. I find most writing surrounding the video game industry to be repugnant. The industry (including the media surrounding that industry) relies upon the subsumption of subcultures on the fringe into the very center of the infernal machine where the dedicated and nostalgic nature of its fanbase can be exploited for capital. It’s the same process that produces Iron Man Funko Pops. Call me a jaded and pretentious pseudointellectual poseur, but in the case of Marvel the idea that this fucking billion dollar franchise with the biggest actors in the world somehow retains this guise of this ‘geek’ subculture is disturbing to me.

(If you have played the game Disco Elysium, then you can probably already see part of why I enjoy it so goddamn much.)

I don’t mean we should gatekeep. My point is the media attached to these quote-geek-unquote industries wants to milk the same cash cow (e.g. 10 AWESOME THINGS IN THE LAST OF US 2!) Coming from an academic environment of criticism, I crave at least the appearance of an honest and thorough critique of art. In my experience, you really need to go past the surface to find any reliable ‘takes’ on contemporary videogames. That being said, there’s a lot of good work being done in the form of video essays.

In any case, I play videogames relatively often. Competitive shooters, mostly. But I suffer no story in videogames. Why would I? I read the most *genius* pieces of literature in the English language. I’m too *good* for that. So when I heard all the buzz about Disco Elysium last fall, it fell on deaf ears. Detectives? Disco? Isometry? Story-heavy. Ugh. I’m interested in none of that. But about a week ago, a friend of mine bought the game. Unlike me, he is a real adult with a real job so it was just a whim on his part, I believe. I looked at the game and, with Steam’s lax refund policy in mind, I bought it. In the past week I have put approximately thirty hours into this game. This review is a way for me to explore my own thoughts surrounding the game, thoughts that I didn’t include in my steam review (See below.)

So it was devastating, sure. And this devastation was somehow positive. One thing that I would like to make clear about me talking about this game is that it is fucking useless. Disco Elysium possesses that quality that exists in all great art; it is irreducible. When I try to explain this game to my friends, I find that my words fail to describe what’s so great about the game. Let me give you the elevator review I’ve come up with. *This game has allowed me to explore the breadth of human experience*. It’s an absolutely insane thing to say about a game. The writing, the art style, the story, the world, the RPG gameplay, they all work together to create a kind of experience that I have never encountered in a piece of art before aside from those few, fleeting moments when you feel as though you truly *get* an encyclopedic novel you’re reading (and in my case I usually don’t get it.)

I will not delve too deeply into the mechanics of the game. There are probably plenty of articles and videos that describe the game already. Put simply, the game is about choices. You can choose to solve the murder however you want. You can say absolutely batshit things to people. You can say mildly bemusing things. You can speak apocalyptic prophesies, espouse communism, conservatism, Moralism. race science.. There are moments when you genuinely *feel* like you can say anything, which is quite a feat when you really only have a few dialogue options at any given moment.

As you’ve noticed, this is not a review of the videogame. Playing this game after a tough breakup was sort of earth-shattering. I mean, not only am I navigating through a strange virtual world with its own history and culture and cosmological makeup, I’m diegetically grieving over being left by my *divinely* beautiful ex while I, the player, undergo a similar process and find similar coping mechanisms. Playing this game was like knowing the funniest clown in the world, a clown so funny that you thank him when he occasionally punches you in the chest to make you *feel things*.

The plan wasn’t to make a character whose qualities reflected my own. I just wanted to play the game. I wanted to win. It just so happened that because *I* was the one playing the game, the character essentially turned into me. It doesn’t help that I, too, have had my issues with alcohol, drugs, commitment, and mental health (in no particular order). The character ended up becoming *me* in a way that I’d never experienced before. I faced ethical dilemmas. My ideology was shaken. This game achieves unbelievable mimesis.

Here’s the wild thing: this game has changed me. I feel like a thirteen-year-old white boy who just watched The Boondock Saints and got a pretty okay over-the-pants handjob at the same time. I’m thinking about my life in terms of choices. The game enforces a kind of perspective of the world that highlights its contingency and the permanence of choices. You can, of course, save your progress in the game and reload whenever, but I found myself just sort of riding out the bad choices I made unless they were game-ruiningly catastrophic. (E.g. I had a “thought” equipped that made me fail every unrepeatable *red* check during a pivotal firefight; it was a hilarious disaster. We were essentially mowed down.) I stood by most of my bad choices. After all, I made the choice using the information I had at the time.

I am not good at this game. I absolutely bungled the investigation. I was just a pawn for forces far greater than myself. Seven people died, and I know that I could’ve saved a few of those people, if not all of them. I think about it sometimes. I think about what I could have done, how I could have gone deeper to find out what’s *really* going on, how I could take control of the investigation rather than be taken control of. Maybe I’ll play the game through again, but the first playthrough is kind of magical if you know absolutely nothing about the game like I did. If not for an absolute deus ex machina at the end, I would have been taken to the madhouse. It would have been an unbelievable failure.

During that deus ex machina moment, by the way, a goddamn tear rolled down my cheek. Yeah, I’m in a rough place, personally. But I don’t *cry* over characters in art. They’re not real. But damn if that changed.  I tell you it’s changed *me*. I care more for characters. I know they’re not real but they represent something that I can relate to, no matter who they are. This game has made me think about empathy more. Maybe it’s because I dumped all my points in the emotional skills. Maybe I’d be more violent if I rolled with the physical skills. Maybe I’d feel like a superstar if that’s what I chose to pursue in the game. Disco Elysium feels open-ended enough that if you sign up for the story, the aesthetic, and the investigation itself, then you can get whatever you want out of the experience. The game, again, achieves incredible mimesis.

The mimesis is so convincing in Disco Elysium that it feels as open-ended as reality, with one caveat: you *know* it's a game. You, as a player, know that the experience of Disco Elysium is a designed one, that it was created as a sort of origami structure, that there is narrative and, god help us, *meaning*. What this game-knowledge afforded me during my playthrough was the constant sensation of synchronicity. I found myself saying “I don’t know how this element will fold into the grand structure of the game, and it almost seems impossible that it should become part of the investigation narrative.” But because I know it’s a game, I am graced with the confidence of the highly religious. Everything will come together in the end.

This is not a review for a videogame. This is a confession. I am deeply flawed and I want to change that. My worldview has been shaken because of a videogame. I don’t want to be that kind of animal anymore.

I’m trying to empower myself, to become more aware that my choices do indeed matter, have always mattered. I’m trying to be more pragmatic, to consider the things I want to do in terms of their result rather than the momentary pleasure I will derive from doing them. Now *that’s* a change for me. 

I’m trying to be more empathetic, more willing to imagine the perspectives of others. 

I am trying to give the world around me the benefit of the doubt. It is easy for me to think of the world as a random coincidence of matter, but if you look at the world with totality in mind everything seems to take on this Spinozan glow of divinity. The human mind is a meaning-making machine, I think. If I look at the world as fundamentally devoid of meaning, then that is still meaning. It is nihil-ism. It’s still an -ism. But if I ascribe to the world a kind of glowing potential, as though meaning were to be found in every speck of matter, then I feel invited to participate in this massive dance that we’re all a part of. 

I’m trying to be more adventurous, because beneath the surface of things there seems to be a vast network of relationships, causation, possibility and, god help me, *story*. Or maybe it’s not beneath the surface of things, maybe there is no Deleuzian schizophrenic depth beneath the surface, perhaps the world is a homogenous and ever-developing surface upon which I constellate meaning and, thereby, create it. I’m trying to create a story for myself that will hold a candle to my experience playing Disco Elysium. I didn’t ask for this; it was just what I needed. It was, in a word, unforgettable.

[diverse-writing]

Pt. 1-Hi! I'm a Black woman writing a Fanfiction for an anime series called Food Wars and I'm creating a sister and brother who are half-Lakota (Itazipcola Band) and half-Black American. They're going to a Japanese Culinary High School, the same school their great-uncle (Kiowa) went to when America was in Japan, post-WWII for a few years as his father was in the army. It's a very competitive school with diverse characters and cooking styles/types. They both want to travel and see a new country.

(continued) They live in Sioux Falls, SD after moving from the Cheyenne River Rez years ago. The family owns a Catering company with Native, African, and American Southern food (Mom is from VA) that does Showcasings, Chef Demos, and feeding the people within both communities while mentoring the youth. Annie (Older sis) wants to be a Pastry Chef as Andrew (little bro) does mostly savory, especially BBQ. Annie was on a kid's baking show as Andrew won kid's BBQ competitions. Both siblings want to help their communities by spreading awareness about poverty, suicide, and other stuff. They are active in their Native heritage. I did research in Natives in Japan, and I found that it's a bit mixed. Some people don't know about Natives, or that they do but only through the news and old western films. There's this one guy who went to a tribe to learn about the culture and he went back to Japan to teach his students about how the Natives truly lived. There's a Native jewelry store in Tokyo So some Japanese do know about Natives, I want to write a few small scenes where the Japanese students ask questions that are stereotypical about Natives and Black people, but they learn from the siblings. Annie begins to have a crush on a boy who is mixed indigenous (Ainu/Saami), but isn't connected to those cultures, because of his Ainu dad dying and Saami mom leaving him. He was adopted by a rich Japanese/Danish family. I want him to learn more about his heritage after falling for Annie and begins to heal from his past through learning about the Saami. Before he didn't want to do anything with them due to his mom. Andrew falls for a Japanese girl who does Medicine Cuisine. He's a expert in Nutrition and tries to help his people's health issues. They have a cute relationship. I thought of these characters just like any other person. I'm Black and I don't like seeing stereotypes. Annie and Andrew love music due to their dad formerly being in a band with only one album. They're both crafty with the Arts due to their grandparents on both sides teaching them. Annie is more outgoing, goofy, and blunt than Andrew but she enjoys the simple stuff in life and loves fashion (Vintage 60s/70s and Punk) Andrew is more quiet and shy, but not antisocial. He just likes doing his own thing while teasing his sis on her shortness and crush. He likes comfy, Punk clothing. I was just wondering what is offensive and not. I want to show their food and aspects of culture, like Powwows (I've been watching videos on Lakota Powwows) and I've been wondering if there's a coming of age ceremony. I don't want to show it just mention it. Is this where people get their Lakota name? I don't want to do religious ceremonies since that's sacred and also I'm not really religious, but what if I want to allude about it? Sorry that this was way too long!

Okay, this is a huge question but I’ll do my best to answer it with the GIANT caveat that I’m not indigenous and am only answering to the best of my knowledge. If any indigenous followers--particularly those with experience in Japan/with Japanese culture, though of course all are welcome--have thoughts or feelings, as always feel free to add more information and/or correct me!

A few observations that jump out, based on your description of your narrative framework:

Their food. Okay, while I know absolutely nothing about the food cultures you describe, I’m a huge fan of connecting with your culture through your food (and your stomach!) so I love this framing. That being said, to my knowledge African American food is fairly distinct from African food, with the former more likely to be in their cultural background given your description (obviously, in this situation you’re the expert on Black culture so feel free to totally ignore me here). 

Andrew’s food interests. Related to the previous bullet point, based on my understanding Medicine Cuisine and Nutrition would be super interesting focuses for him given his cultural background. It’d be super cool to seem him integrate his various cooking specialties and heritages into nourishing food to support his people. 

Knowledge about Native Americans in Japan. I do think it’s likely accurate that unless someone in Japan has personally done research, the average Japanese citizen probably knows very little about indigenous Native Americans in the same way the average American knows very little about Japanese indigenous ethnic groups. 

Relatedly, I think it makes sense for their Japanese classmates to ask stereotypical questions, but you should steer clear of just plain offensive questions. As you likely know, answering stereotypical questions about your identity and heritage is exhausting and should be treated as such within the narrative. Your characters are in school to educate themselves, not to educate their classmates, so while the latter may occur sometimes I don’t think it should be their focus. So while the intent of the questioning scene may partially be to help answer readers’ questions about Annie and Andrew’s heritage (and Black and Lakota culture to an extent), remember that the ultimate goal of representation is not to educate others but to help people within those demographics see themselves on the page. And more likely than not, Black and Lakota readers won’t want to see characters representing themselves having to answer the same repetitive questions they face down all the time.

I know you only mentioned him in passing, but I have a lot more thoughts specifically about Annie’s mixed Ainu/Saami crush. I don’t want to tell you *not* to write him but I do think there are several pitfalls you need to carefully avoid moving forward.

His Saami mother. There’s a big stereotype around POC abandoning their children, being absent or flighty parents, or otherwise just failing to properly nuture their children. While I’m unaware of any specific stereotype regarding indigenous  parents, I would tentatively say that doesn’t mean those stereotypes don’t exist, so tread carefully. That being said, I do know there’s a stereotype about indigenous people being alcoholics, so you should absolutely avoid characterizing his mother as such because as an outsider, you don’t have the power to subvert that stereotype. 

His relationship with his heritage. I would also be very cautious while writing his arc of reconnecting to his heritage. While reconnecting is unfortunately a very real (and very under represented) process for indigenous people, it’s an extremely difficult and personal process that I don’t think outsiders are qualified to write in-depth about. Though I don’t think you should necessarily gloss over his reconnecting process, I do think it should perhaps be a side character arc, rather than his defining character arc. For example, he might mention to Annie that her passion for her heritage has inspired him to research his own family, or else maybe he’s pictured buying a book on the Saami language. (The current discussion around Rick Riordan’s portrayal of Piper’s imperfect reconnection to her Cherokee heritage makes some really good points, so I’d check that out if you’re familiar with his books. I’d be happy to link you if you’re curious.)

His adopted family. I have to admit--as the daughter of a transracial adoptee in a family full of transracial adoptees, this framing makes me very wary. While I know transracial adoption parents likely have only the best intentions, the adopted child themselves often end up hugely disconnected from their birth cultures. It’s often an extremely stressful and traumatic event, especially in cases where the adopted parents don’t learn about their child’s birth culture themselves and/or only teach the child their own cultures (in this case, Japanese and Dutch). Honestly, with all due respect, I have yet to see any fictional narratives that properly address the trauma of transracial adoptions and given everything else going on in your writing, I’m not sure how well you would be able to write about it. More in the next bullet point.

His extremely mixed heritage. While I don’t want to come across as rude, I do have to ask: what’s your intention behind making a single side character with four different cultural backgrounds, especially backgrounds that you the author don’t share? The reality is that, no matter how much research you may do, these four cultures--Ainu, Saami, Japanese, and Dutch--are very rarely found in combination, and I think you’d be hard pressed to find any #ownvoices accounts from similar scenarios that you could hypothetically draw on to write more accurately. As a result, you’d know very little about how these different cultures meld together, and you’d have almost nothing to go on to write about his mixed multicultural background and the tensions that come with it. While I understand you may be attached to his parental setup and his backstory, I would highly advise simplification to avoid straying into territory you neither understand or are qualified to write about. Given your focus on his reconnecting, I would probably recommend keeping his Ainu father alive and cutting his adopted family. That way, you cut the number of unknown cultures in half and you can truly dedicate yourself to writing his Ainu heritage and his reconnecting process well.

With regards to your actual question about Lakota religious ceremonies, as a non-indigenous person I’m definitely not qualified to answer specifics about Lakota coming of age and naming ceremonies. That being said, I know this: Native American ceremonies, rituals, traditions, and lore are often closely guarded and not shared with outsiders. And I don’t just mean outsiders don’t share in the ceremonies themselves--outsiders often can’t even learn about the ceremonies because the knowledge itself is guarded. (This information is secondhand from my Blackfoot professor last year. If I’m wrong or if any indigenous followers have more accurate information, as always I’m open to critiques and suggestions!) As you continue researching this, I’d definitely be mindful of the source; if it comes from an official Lakota or indigenous source, it’s likely okay to share or discuss, but if all you can find about Lakota religious ceremonies is from, like, someone’s blog or Facebook post or something, then that information likely wasn’t approved to share and you shouldn’t write it into your story. Given that this seems to only be a character detail mentioned briefly, you may be able to simply mention the characters’ Lakota names in passing without referencing the ceremony itself.

Sorry for the long response, and I hope at least some of this information helps!

(Also, if you read this post, this is a good example of a really well researched and thought out ISO Sensitivity Reader question. Obviously, I’ve provided what information I can and this individual seems to have done lots of research, but the execution comes down to... well, the actual execution.)

[donnnoir]

Hidden Economies and Currency Revaluation...

Alright, I originally intended to post/publish the following as a series of essays that I would have linked together in one fashion or another. Instead I have decided to shorten much of the content and simply “mash” it together and hope for the best. As anyone familiar with my writings knows, I tend to have a loquacious style and the content or subject matter usually requires a bit of introduction and or back story.  Since much of it is uniquely originally in nature.  The combination makes for lengthy essays and discussions.  The Forthcoming is no less so.  I hope those that indulge, enjoy the experience, maybe even learn a thing or two.

With recent events and the accompanying economic distress, I have had to interject my knowledge and experiences repeatedly, in an attempt to shed light upon factors which are in place to beneficially impact our economy, and the worlds for that matter.  President Trump and his Administration are no fools, they fully intend on taking advantage of a long standing global currency agreement. An agreement that has come full term and whose mediation and legal conditions have been meet; the only caveat that has thus far prevented its global activation and institution was the Obama Administration's ongoing efforts to block it.  This despite billions of dollars in bribes having been paid into off-shore and shell corporation held by Michelle Obama.

Beginning in 1999, I was invited to be the fourth and junior executive tasked with administering and distributing funds associated to a large international humanitarian trust, whose principal holdings were in Taiwan.  A timed legacy from when Chiang Kai-shek fled mainland China and established the Republic of China in Taiwan.  It should have been a straightforward affair.  Except elements of the then W. Bush Administration went to Taiwan misappropriated the funds and transferred them to the Bank of the Vatican.  These elements, agents or “clowns” if you prefer, similarly plundered funds from an International Trust set up by the Globalist and the IMF back in 1968 and held by the Bank of America here in the United States. Additionally monies also held in trust by the SEC as recovered assets of an immense “ponzi” scheme mostly involving shares of the Kimberlite Mining Group out of Canada.  Were similarly transferred to the Bank of the Vatican.  The monies held by the Bank of America that were misappropriated and transferred were in the amount of over 16 trillion dollars, just to have some perspective on the amounts involved (you use to be able to watch on YouTube the C-SPAN coverage; wherein the then Head of the Federal Reserve admitted to the transfer but refused to answer additional questions on the matter since the “Law” did not require him to do so.  This to a Congressional Inquiry on the subject.).  From the Bank of the Vatican the funds were distributed into “High Yield Investment Platforms”.   What are “High Yield Investment Platforms” you ask; well first off most countries deny their existence, including the United States. One of the reasons is that you have to be “invited” to participate in the program with a minimum capital investment of a billion dollars.  An amount that in some “special” cases been reduced to 500 million recently.  I could write volumes on the subject, so please if you really wish to know just dig real hard and you will find an explanation.   So following the theft of our funds, I and the other principals became entangled in an ongoing game of “three card Molly” first with W. Bush Administration and subsequently Obama and his Administration. I got a crash course in international off-book banking, high yield investment platforms, oval office payola and administrative abuse of authority, corruption and greed on a Truly Epic scale brazenly conducted under color of authority.  Additionally I became acquainted with the Revaluation Trust Fund (held by the aforementioned Bank of America; it was also referred to by a variety of names and titles) meant to equalize the global monetary system via a mediated currency revaluation.  Believe me it was enough to give me many sleepless nights and numerous headaches, be grateful you are getting the Reader's Digest abbreviated version. To assuage any curiosity, the issues became too convoluted and mired in bureaucracy, the funds when and to what degree they were recovered took more than a decade.  The instruments meant for their distribution were non-existent by then and became lost in the politics of the time.  The monies generated as interest from their being utilized in the “high yield investment platforms” in Europe was never been recovered nor accounted for in the process.  These ill gotten gains are being used to fund the current fifth column actions in Europe and elsewhere.  If Hillary (HRC) had won the Presidency, these and other stolen assets would have gone to the extermination of the population here in America. Instead the monies are having to fuel secondary protocols meant to destabilize the US and World economies.

Now back to the matter of Global Currency Revaluation, as intended by the Globalist and their fiat currency system set up by the Rothschilds and Rockefellers when the Global International Currency System we have been familiar with in our lives was put in place. The architects of this System recognized that as developing nations attempted to modernize while lacking the functioning internal markets and industrial base to support their expansion and modernization.  They would increasingly accrue debt with an ever increasing portion needed to service the interest payments, till they would have no way of ever becoming solvent.  All the while they would be giving up title to the wealth of their respective nations (neo-imperialism).  The Globalist fearing a world wide wave of nationalization and repatriation of the assets of each developing country.  Therefore agreed that at some future date all currencies would go through a revaluation and that the individual debts of each participating country would be wiped clean.  All countries signed the agreement and began contributing to a international trust held by Bank of America.  The United States, however was in a unique situation.  That being that the implementation of said revaluation would require our assent.  Well the revaluation has already been mediated, with the IMF, World Bank and Courts having signed off on the accord.  The previous Administrations have elected to abuse the circumstance for their own greed.  Even so, with the anticipated revaluation a bit of creative accounting will permit America to also walk away from its debt.

President Trump rather than continue blocking this Global Revaluation, has obviously chosen to embrace it.  Over the past decade the operations and holdings of the Federal Reserve have been transferred to the Treasury in anticipation of this eventuality.  Now during the COVID 19 operations even the positions of the Head of the Federal Reserve have been transferred.  It is the final steps to the abolishing the Federal Reserve.  It should be noted that as a non-government agency or contractor as it were. The Federal Reserve had a contract to administer Our currency, the Dollar.  That contract expired some time ago, it has not, nor shall it be renewed.  For the sake of continuity of operations the old contract has remained in place via a series of stop gap extensions, as allowed by the Law.  These extensions have permitted the transfer of assets and operations from the Federal Reserve to the United States Treasury.  Naturally the process has taken longer than anticipated, but appears to be nearing its conclusion.  Some of you may be familiar with the new two tier currency system meant to replace the old Petro-Dollar, and grant more autonomy to countries and governments worldwide.

In concert to this is that in all probability much of the amassed illicit funds acquired by the “Evil World Cabal” may trickle back into the public coffers.  Albeit, “certain” as yet non-disclosed “special covert” operations will no doubt require ongoing funding in an effort to buffer the onslaught of Our “Future” War.  Which may be fought more vehemently to force the terms of the Exo-Treaty signed by the League of Nations in the '20's.  “Crazy” I know...

[krumbine]

Creative Every Day: One Month Later

With the start of April, I wanted to challenge myself to work on something creative every day. Here’s how it went.

First, I’m a liar.

I didn’t actually work on something every day because I mostly took weekends off. Also, if I found myself staring into a black abyss of meaninglessness and depression, I ended up taking the weekday off, too.

Creativity’s Unbreakable Rule #1: you can’t force creativity.

So let me tell you how I forced creativity.

A disclaimer: it helps to not have anything else to do. Although I set this challenge for myself first, shortly afterwards I was furloughed from my job as a video editor at Visit Orlando. A lot of people look at unemployment and quarantine as the worst possible time to “finish that novel” and these people are not wrong! I personally dove into the aforementioned abyss, ate a box of donuts, and cried myself to sleep while rewatching old episodes of Psych.

Three days later, I hit peak boredom. This is a brilliant phase of life that precedes an even more brilliant period of creative productivity––a period where you’ve gotten so bored doing every imaginable un-creative thing possible (including sorting and throwing out that pile of old mail and cleaning out the junk drawer in the kitchen) that you have absolutely nothing else better to do than stare at a flashing cursor on a blank screen.

My friends, peak boredom is one of those massive bean bags that sucks you deeper and deeper into its squishy abyss.

This. Is. A gift.

The rules for my creative every day challenge were as follows:

Work would be split amongst the two categories of writing and video projects.

Writing projects were either short stories or musings. Video projects were split into animation projects, short stories for YouTube (a teleprompter-based dramatic performance of sorts), long-form Behind the Final Cut vlogs, and miscellaneous work (such as my “Creative Wizard” title sequence for YouTube or the animated title cards for my written short stories).

All of this work was meticulously tracked in my production schedule board on Trello––and I’m pretty sure this is a big reason April went as well as it did.

Friends, it’s one thing to do the work but it is something else altogether to see the cumulative total of all the work. Trello does that for you––especially if you’re like me, a jack-of-all trades creative that loves doing a little bit of everything.

The other component of this challenge was to share a finished project every day.

What did I learn in the first month? Again: I���m a liar.

I think I did an okay job maintaining a 24-hour period, but my typical day isn’t a nine-to-five jam.

(Remember, we can’t force creativity, so we have to figure out ways to hack our lives to make it flow with more ease.)

My best case writing example was, “The Insufferable Silence in Apartment 616”. I spent the day writing this 2400-word tome in a midday and then a nighttime burst. I posted it late the next morning after doing the graphic design work on the title card. So, kinda-sorta within a 24-hour period, with the graphic design caveat.

My worst case writing example was “Red Alert in the Department of Human Asset Management & Existential Mitigation”. Marginally shorter than “Insufferable” but legit took a few days to write.

Definitely not abiding the “share every day” rule, but I still worked on it every day.

To that end, even the days when I didn’t post something, I was still taking notes, plotting, or giving my creative fuel tank a chance to refill.

Here’s what I actually created in April.

Of nineteen total projects, ten were videos. Eight of those videos went up on YouTube (the other two were title sequence/animation pieces).

8. Wizard of Speed and Time Vinyl Unboxing 7. Quarantine’s End Short Story 6. Tiger King Quotes 5. Trello and the Art of Creative Project Management 4. The LEGO Wizard Digs a Fossil 3. Rexzilla! 2. The LEGO Wizard Builds a Car; a T. Rex Stomps a Car 1. Stygimoloch vs Raptor Fetus

The remaining nine projects were in the writing category, totaling 12,614 words. Seven short stories and two musings.

9. The Insufferable Silence in Apartment 616 8. Red Alert in the Department of Human Asset Management and Existential Mitigation 7. Explorers of the Unknown vs the Last Gift Shop on the Left 6. A Sinful Pivot 5. Thoughts on 35: Birthdays in the Time of the Pandemic 4. Karen Finds a Hobby 3. Max Nebula and the Simpering Spark of Hope 2. Quarantine’s End: Smoke ‘Em If You’ve Got ‘Em 1. There’s Just So Much Noise

Here are a few more things I learned:

- I like to write to read. Like, aloud. Firstly, I think it just sounds better in your head. Secondly, one of my video projects is to adapt my short stories for YouTube, so I’m basically writing a video script each time I sit down at the keyboard.

- The screenwriter in me prefers to write (mostly) only essential description. It speeds up the process and, I’d like to think, helps engage the reader. When I offer a short, three-sentence description of Jason in “The Last Gift Shop on the Left”, I’m  painting a very broad tough-guy image and letting your imagination fill in the details.

Jeans, t-shirt, leather jacket. Strong features and a stronger chin. He wore his hair long and in a ponytail because manly men have pony tails.

- I’m a big fan of the em-dash. Like, seriously.

- The volume of complications in video work is the fastest way to psych yourself out of doing anything at all. Even when I’m not producing, I’m outlining my stop motion sequences, arranging sets, placing lights, setting up shots.

- There’s a saying that goes, “The hardest part about running is putting on your shoes.” The same is true for any creative work, which is why I spend a lot of time making it as easy as possible to just get started. That’s also why as soon as I have an idea for something, it goes on my Trello board––I’m never casting about for the next thing to work on because I have an entire catalog with ripe ideas waiting to be plucked.

Despite the pandemic outside, despite the unemployment, despite uncertain futures, April was a good month for me. It was good because at the end of the day––hopefully every day––I want to feel like I did something creative.

Mission accomplished.

Stay creative. Stay quarantined. And be gentle to yourselves, my friends.

Krumbine

###

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jordan Krumbine is a professional video editor, digital artist, and creative wizard currently quarantined in Kissimmee, Florida. When not producing content for the likes of Visit Orlando, Orlando Sentinel, or AAA National, Jordan is probably yelling at a stubbornly defective Macbook keyboard, tracking creative projects in Trello, and animating quirky videos with LEGO and other various toys.

Leave a dollar in the Tip Jar: https://ko-fi.com/krumbine

Short stories: https://bit.ly/2XY5D7I Books on Amazon Kindle: https://amzn.to/3bsqK5Y YouTube: https://bit.ly/2W41nSG Twitter: https://bit.ly/2VH0Vbu Facebook: https://bit.ly/2VpnylZ LinkedIn: https://bit.ly/2xnmk1e

http://www.krumbco.com

[findingmypeace]

This is really long. Feel free to skip. Summary: my brother’s wedding will involve a religious component which is fine except it brings up all kinds of emotions and situations that are a result of my parents extreme forcefulness of the religion on me when I was growing up.

I can’t sleep so I thought I’d write about what’s on my mind. I’m still panicking about the news I got earlier but trying to distract myself. Unfortunately the train of thought I’m distracting myself with isn’t making me feel much better.

There is something about my brother’s engagement and upcoming wedding that didn’t occur to me until just now. Long story short, my family is Mormon. My brother is getting married in the temple. You’re only allowed in the temple if you have been approved by your Bishop and even then you have to get further approval if you are going to participate in certain ceremonies that take place in the temple, including a wedding ceremony. Additionally, in order to participate in certain ceremonies you are required to have done a ceremony where you ‘take your endowments out’. In order to participate in a wedding ceremony you have to have participated in that initial ceremony. In fact, a lot of people take their endowments out and get married on the same day. I’m probably what is called ‘temple worthy’. IE: If I interviewed with my bishop I most likely would be approved to go to the temple and to take my endowments out. The thing is I do not want to take my endowments out. End of long story, short is that I most likely will NOT be taking my endowments out because I do not want to, which means I won’t be able to witness my brother’s actual wedding ceremony which would be fine if it weren’t for the fact that everyone will know that I don’t have my endowments because I won’t be at the ceremony and will have to wait outside. That’s humiliating. But, no, I’m not going to take my endowments out just to please everyone else.

What follows is a long ramble in which I explain my struggles with religion. Feel free to skip. I am mostly writing this out to process what I’m feeling.

My struggles with my religion have nothing to do with the actual religion and everything to do with how I was raised in it. I wasn’t given a choice. The Mormon religion is more than just a show up on Sunday church. Growing up there was mid-week activities, a church class every morning before school, every spring there was youth conference, and every summer there was girl’s camp. I was forced to go to all of those things. I wasn’t given a choice.

I remember the year I turned 14. That was when I was first eligible to attend youth conference. (Youth conference is for teens ages 14-18.) Youth conference is a weekend long activity. You spend the night at a church members house with the rest of the members of your class (the other kids in your age group) and attend church sponsored activities all weekend. I did NOT want to go. I dealt with social anxiety, the other kids in my class bullied me, and spending the night at someone else’s house was absolutely not appealing to me. I told my parents I didn’t want to go. They told me I had to go. I had a meltdown. This was the first time I ever used a self-destructive behavior (in this case, cutting) because I felt trapped. My friends found out I cut, told the school counselor, who called my Mom, who thought I was just attention seeking and was furious with me for getting the school involved. Guess who got yelled at and lectured and grounded. I cried a lot. I said I didn’t want to go to youth conference. After all of that they still forced me to go. Only now my parents agreed to let me sleep at home with the caveat that I couldn’t sleep in my own bed. I had to sleep on the living room floor because everyone else in my class would be spending the night on someone else’s living room floor. The whole experience was miserable. And most church activities were like this. Early morning seminary (ie: the class before school started) I had to wake up at 5am to go as it started at 6am. I hated it but I went because that’s what I was expected to do. Girl’s camp every summer, same thing. My last year at girl’s camp I went, but I refused to participate in any of the activities. I stayed in my tent all day and read books. Mid-week activities were miserable. Those activities and Sunday classes were where I was bullied the most.

Once I became an adult and had a choice I stopped going to church. It’s ironic because I’m pretty sure the reason my parents forced the church on me was because they were afraid I would leave the church if given the choice. But I’ve never had a problem with the church. I’ve had a problem with it being forced on me. I actually do believe in my religion. If I were to consider all the religions I know about I would still pick the one I was raised in. Again, that’s because I’ve never had a problem with the actual religion. I’ve had a problem with it being forced on me.

I’ve actually started attending church again within the past year. But I don’t go to the temple and I only attend the first part of church on Sunday. So what does this mean regarding my brother’s wedding. It means I will most likely be pressured to take my endowments out so that I can attend my brother’s wedding ceremony. It also means that if I don’t take my endowments out I’ll have to stand outside the temple while everyone else is inside watching my brother get married. I don’t want to be there in the first place. But I also don’t want to be humiliated by everyone knowing that I’m not eligible to be there. Ugh, I just wish this whole situation would disappear. I don’t want to deal with it. Too many complicated emotions and situations. How bad would it be if I just skipped the wedding altogether? I know the answer: Everyone would be furious with me and think I was just a bitter bitch who can’t let go of a ‘juvenile’ sibling rivalry. Why does this have to happen 3 days after the one year anniversary of my suicide attempt. I don’t know if I can handle all of this at one time.