#( i just needed a band-aid to cover this plot hole. )

[motherednature]

MOTHER NATURE & THE CRETACEOUS-PALEOGENE EXTINCTION EVENT - aka, the asteroid that killed most of the dinosaurs.

i think i've gone into detail on this blog before about what happened to mother nature during that event -- tl;dr, it wounded her deeply on a physical level, and she had to lay dormant to heal right alongside the earth. she was in excruciating pain, and she had to "grow back", starting from her skeleton, then her muscles, etc. it was a gruesome process, and one she did by herself. this physical pain was nothing next to her emotional pain, as she had to endure feeling and watching her children die. before it was confirmed that mother nature had control over gravity (we stan an op queen 💚), it was easy to write this event off as a tragedy that was out of her control. but once that power was confirmed, i didn't really know how to reconcile this? like logically, she would've tried to kick away that asteroid the second she knew it was coming. so what happened...? headcanon time! while mother nature does command gravity, it is still gravity, meaning she was forced with an impossible choice when she knew that asteroid was coming: a) use an extreme force of gravity to knock the asteroid off its path, which would prevent it from impacting the earth! but it would absolutely knock the earth off of its delicate orbit around the sun, which would present... an entirely different, horrible situation. one where her children would absolutely still die, just slowly. b) let the asteroid hit the earth, have a mass extinction event, but! have the hope of regrowing, orbit intact. she ultimately chose the latter, since she technically wasn't on the earth when its orbit was solidified (hello heavy bombardment period), so orbit creation was honestly not something she felt she wanted to experiment with on her own planet and risk ruining the earth forever by depriving it of its goldilocks position. but even though this was an impossible choice, she of course blames herself every day. she thinks she chose the wrong option by picking the "coward's route."

[loyally-unfaithful]

desolation!au (lunatic!kaede au)

summary: in canon, kotetsu manages to restore barnaby's memory at the last second, but what if it didn't work? what if kaede ex machina never got the chance to save her father at the top of the apollon media tower and restore the other heroes' memories? in fact, what if she never knew they were being brainwashed in the first place?what if kotetsu died that day?

basically me developing my idea of an au where, consumed by anger and grief, kaede seeks lunatic to help her in carrying her revenge and murdering her father's killer.

illustration of lunatic!kaede is attached at the very end of the fic :3

a/n: tbh, i was watching tiger & bunny w/ my friends and at some point i thought about kaede being lunatic's student because i just want to see her start shit and it wasn't anything much at first, just small headcanons here and little doodles there. but then idk , i made a little sketch and it all snowballed from there.

i ended up developing this au and have become quite invested in it.  

i’m aware the format looks like cat shit on mobile, im sorry. if it’s super disruptive to the reading experience, feel free to refer to the ao3 version (links are in my desc).

alternate names lmao

lunatic!kaede! au

cats-on-the-moon!au

revenge girl!au

revenge-girl-out-for-revenge!au

vendetta! au

synopsis

follows the same storyline up until the memory loss arc, where the au experiences a massive canon divergence.

kotetsu receives a chance to escape after being aided by lunatic, and, not letting his unsuccessful attempt at making his friends remember his true identity deter him, he gathered them at the top of the apollon media tower. he tries again to make them remember that he is wild tiger, and not a murderer, but much like in canon the rest of the group do not believe him—though some falter briefly. unlike canon, however, is that kaede ex machina does not appear in time to unleash maverick’s next power that she copied to restore everyone’s memories.

she does make an attempt to reach the tower where her father is taking a stand, but she does not encounter maverick and on her way up the roof the elevator stops—as it should during emergencies... without her interference, the rest of the hero team overpower kotetsu who is smashed through the roof and lands into saito’s lab. realising that the latter doesn’t remember who he was either, kotetsu quickly grabs his suit and motorbike to try to escape and regroup with ben. the rest of the heroes rush to go after him, though some (blue rose, etc) are more hesitant than others (rock bison, etc). on the way down they [the heroes] find kaede and become preoccupied with her. they’re experiencing an emergency but the child refuses to leave, so some of the heroes have their hands full handling her.

during this, the cameras continue to follow kotetsu. in the end, barnaby pursues kotetsu on his own vehicle and they fight at the bridge where they first teamed up. kaede can follow what is currently happening as the event is broadcasted and grows increasingly hysterical, screaming that she needs to be there and that they’re [blue rose, sky high, etc] supposed to be helping her dad, not pursue him. at some point before the final blow, the feed cuts—the camera probably got hit by chunks of armour or other sort of debris.

the fight follows canon up until barnaby intends on delivering the final kick

« so this is it, eh? take care lil’ bunny…»

this time, the kick connects.

at this point kaede is inconsolable, not being able to handle the fact that the broadcast cut and she can’t check her father’s condition in real time anymore. the heroes’ attempt at getting her to speak or to tell them who her guardian is is met with choked sobs and no response.

there’s two way i see her finding out about her father’s defeat, and subsequent death:

the least traumatic, but still traumatic option: the feed was the last time she ever saw her father. the heroes only hear that « the criminal has been captured/dealt with by barnaby » on their private channel so they slowly excuse themselves and disperse, leaving kaede alone. some of the security guards approach her, trying to get a number to contact but eventually learn that she wasn’t speaking and let her sit there for a bit before calling the authorities.

the intensely traumatic “whoa you ruined a perfectly good 10-11 year old” option: as kaede grows increasingly distressed and the heroes try to keep her under control, she sees members of staff trying to cart something off discreetly. she gets a quick glance on what is being carried and recognises the hand poking out under the large tarp covering the rest of the body. it had her father’s wedding band, which he continued to wear, and upon realising what had happened, she immediately goes catatonic and wouldn’t react to the heroes anymore.

she either sits in the empty building until very late at night, sits outside on the bus stop with no intention of getting on simply watching the last of the buses disappear in the horizon, or waits at the police station with no intention of telling them who to call.

she eventually reaches the conclusion that her father will probably never come back as he died on her own and breaks down.

much like option 1) she sits in the empty building, waiting for someone who will never return.

in both options, ben ex machina (yes kaede got demoted in this au im sorry) finds her and explains to her that he was her father’s boss. this gained her attention somewhat, and she let him drive her back home after he told her that her grandmother has been frantically contacting ben after realising that kaede wouldn’t pick up.

during all this, she remains silent and out of it, still not fully accepting that her father wasn’t coming back home: kaede knows it’s no use to wait for her father anymore, but doesn’t outwardly admit the fact just in case he really is alive. she knows she’s just lying to herself.

on their way back to the kaburagi home, ben explains to her that he tried to get on that bridge as fast as possible to intercept the two, but only arrived after barnaby had left the scene. he doesn’t go into much detail, but does give her the few things he had found and recognised was kotetsu’s:

the tiger emblem that he kept this whole time

the two matching christmas pins that (unknowingly to both ben and kaede) he shared with his former partner

the first sound kaede makes in a long time is more wracking sobs as she clutches the small objects.

she passes out sometimes during transit, and wakes up the next afternoon in her room, the memorabilia safe in her pocket.

the next day, hero tv, and the organisations that funds it, refuses to make an official statement on kotetsu’s whereabouts after being intercepted by barnaby—they know that the latter murdered kotetsu, but they avoid the question in order to save his and the company’s reputation. they would answer something like:

kotetsu running away

being imprisoned for 250 years, with no visitors.

accidentally got himself killed

for the most part, the general populace accepted this outcome and thanked the diligent work of the heroes, but kaede and her family know better. kotetsu wasn’t the type to just leave, and he wouldn’t have committed murder in the first place. this official statement further cemented the fact that kotetsu had died—been killed. within sternbild, another powerful figure also doubted the credibility of the statement. yuri would literally see the red flags, but the situation really isn’t in his favour and he doesn’t know where to even tackle this. he’d need to do more digging up before planning out his attack.

kaede concludes (correctly) that barnaby was behind her father’s death, and possessed with anger and hatred, decided that she will get revenge one way or another and prove her father’s innocence.

basic plot

headcanon form now, because it’s more convenient.

the lead-up:

during the few days/weeks that followed, she barely went out of her room unless necessary. 

she barely ate, even ignoring the flan pudding she adored so much. 

in her self-imposed isolation, she marinates in her own grief, which turns into anger and hatred. 

at first she regrets not having spent more time with her father and reaching out to him, instead of expecting kotetsu to do that for her. 

but the focus slowly shifts to wanting to make kotetsu’s murderer suffer as he has made her dad suffer. 

you know what, throw in the rest of the heroes. 

they should’ve been kotetsu’s friend and believed him instead of pursuing him relentlessly: they’re complicit too and should be punished accordingly.

it’s important to note that, since kaede didn’t interact with maverick and inherit his next power, she doesn’t know that the heroes have been brainwashed. 

she just thinks that they’re secretly an evil group posing to be heroes.

she loses faith in them, and their flawed justice that got her father killed

she wants to avenge her father and prove his innocence so badly, but doesn’t know how or where to begin. the odds are stacked against her, since only her family and a few people here and there believe in kotetsu’s innocence.

while she’s holed up in her room, she mindlessly replays the video clips that featured her dad over and over again until she memorised every single word and committed her father’s movements to memory. 

one day, as she flips through the different collectibles and magazines that featured him, she came across one such issue which showcased a different type of “hero”: the sanctioner with blue flames.

the vigilante who’s idea of justice was becoming more and more appealing to kaede the more she thought about it.

she’s seen the clips, how his next power allowed him to continually keep up with the 100 power duo. how it always allowed him to have the upper hand and to deliver his justice. 

kaede wants that kind of strength, that kind of power, to avenge her father.

she resolves herself to find or contact the vigilante no matter how, though that seemed to be a complicated enough task in and of itself.

kaede figures that when she does find him, she’ll either get him to work with her to get her revenge or copy his power if he refuses.

her searches prove more or less fruitless tho since lunatic can't be found when he doesn't want to be found lmao

after a few weeks/months, she grows disheartened and becomes rather depressed again.

the actual encounter:

i don’t have an actually have a concrete idea on how they met and how kaede convinced yuri to work with her, just a bunch of possibilities going from plausible to straight up crack

one way she could meet him is by bumping into judge petrov when she’s tagging along with her fam to try and claim kotetsu’s body.

the intent was to go to sternbild to recover kotetsu so that they can bury him in the family grave (and rejoin tomoe), but since the city refuses to acknowledge that kotetsu is dead and admit that a hero killed a person, the kaburagi fam can’t get his body back.

very sad times, maybe after the unsuccessful hearing kaede cries and rlly begs to be able to get her father back, and grabs hold of yuri to make her point come across or something.

do you even see a judge when you try to claim a criminal’s body? idk it’s probably illegal to make physical contact w a judge but kaede is only bby so maybe she won't go to jail? i don’t know i’m dum

anyway, he’d probably carefully peel the child off of him and say something vaguely sympathetic before going wherever the hell judges go after trial? court? i know nothing about the legal system and it shows

uh oh skin to skin contact

kaede unwittingly copies his power and moves on with her day. it wasn’t until she came home and felt a burst of anger that she noticed that??? she can summon blue flames??? like lunatic does??? except she doesn’t recall meeting him at all???

she puts two and two together and susses yuri out

or instead of literally harassing him in court

maybe she just stumbles on lunatic because his favourite hobbies are standing ominously on roofs and killing murderers, in that order.

kaede: why is there a funny looking scarecrow on the roof…???

kaede: hoLY HECK

how she manages to get lunatic on her side is more convoluted

one way would be her going back to the city and confronting yuri about it. of course, he’d deny her claim until she gets angry enough and her eyes light up. 

yuri’s like “oh sHIT”. 

she could threaten him by saying that if he won’t help her then she will just seek her revenge by herself. 

yuri doesn’t want her to do anything rash and cause him to get in hot water because he rlly doesn't want to deal w/ the aftermath. also he doesn’t want to like, see a whole child get hurt :(

so i guess he’s like, “this is my lot in life now”, and accepts to take her as his apprentice so long as she doesn’t cause any trouble

that was the peaceful route

kaede could also fight fire with fire

just hound down lunatic instead of yuri and when she finds him it’s on sight. chuck a whole fireball to catch his attention and demand that he takes her as his apprentice. idk maybe threaten to fight him mono e mono unless he complies. 

lunatic would probably just ghost her lmao 

but she’d continue to show up whenever he’s raring to kill a murderer so maybe he’ll accept because it’s getting more disruptive if he doesn’t

if anything, her persistence would impress him somewhat: she’s determined, and even when she’s only had the flames for like, what? 3 days? she can already control it well enough to shoot projectiles. she has potential and would be a helpful ally instead of burdening him.

the chaotic crackhead route is for kaede to somehow get her hands on yuri’s address and bully him until he listens to her

just show up outside his room at 3 am, eyes glowing, floating 3 feet from the ground. hell, t-pose outside his window. 

terrorise him.

she’d play loud music or shout at him day in day out 

she may even follow him to work and just pester him

constantly asking him to mentor her so she can have her revenge, poking and prodding about his secret night job as lunatic

kaede will leave mama petrov alone this doesn’t concern her

her beef isn’t w mama petrov

ever since that encounter, yuri has not known peace

yuri has 2 ghosts to deal with 

that’s 2 too many

he’s gonna take one out

the minimum age of criminal responsibility in japan is 14, while in new york it’s 18 (thanks google)

take your pick

kaede is 10-11

so either way yuri can’t take her to jail for harassment 

she’s coming out of this scott free

he snaps and literally begs her to stfu if he follows her wish :b:lease

he hasn’t slept for 34 days

regardless, kaede will come out victorious and yuri is now stuck with a child 

on a more serious note, yuri’s and kaede’s agenda are the same and it just so happens that their goals align. he has been suss since day one ever since the kotetsu debacle.

in hindsight maverick really should’ve brainwashed the only judge, the person in charge of the justice bureau, the curator who has access to the hero’s files

maybe i’m jumping to conclusion

for all i know maybe maverick also attempted to invite yuri to that announcement “party” thing

but yuri was like 

« no ? fuck off »

and went on his way

yuri wants to look oddly menacing in his basement dungeon thing 

and maverick brushed it off because he didn’t think yuri was lunatic, or a next one the first place

we know that yuri learns that maverick is behind all of this and is probably a next on his own, but decides against taking action. i suppose in canon because he knows it’s not his battle to see through, but in the au maybe because he knows he’s fighting a losing battle. also he kinda injured his arm after being shot by H-01, so he doesn’t want to fight with a handicap.

he doesn’t want to take any rash action and cause more problems for himself.

potentially putting his whole secret identity scheme in jeopardy.

he chooses to take a moment to regroup and plan his actual attack. he couldn’t take on 7 heroes and 1 android at once, and risk getting brainwashed too.

at first, even if working together seem to only benefit kaede, the situation also gives yuri some strategic advantages. 

like once he finds out that kaede’s power is a mimic ability, not the flame ability. i feel like he’d find that hella useful

also kaede is a child who’s also basically a nobody in sternbild. she can infiltrate spaces he can’t, and not raise any suspicion.

  possible denouements:

i see 3 major endings possible, with secondary endings which is just a one of the 3 major endings with some slight changes:

1. all sinners must die ending

pretty self explanatory. kaede gets her revenge: with the help of lunatic she kills barnaby and maverick, potentially killing or maiming the rest of the heroes. her father has been avenged, but the city is more or less in a panic because there are no more heroes to protect them. “faith” in the vigilante, or at least in kaede, plummets because they attacked “innocent” people. it’s possible that she brings her father’s framing to light (but not that the heroes were brainwashed), though it’s doubtful that she gets the chance after causing such an uproar.

kaede probably never learns the truth: that the heroes were brainwashed.

this may or may not leave kaede incredibly bitter and nihilistic, as even though she got her revenge she doesn’t feel any satisfaction or sense of closure. she doesn’t get any form of catharsis and probably still has a difficult time moving on and coping with her grief. the city of sternbild adopts a very cold atmosphere and regains a strong distrust towards nexts, kaede may or may not continue to be a vigilante as she’s still trapped in grief limbo, yuri has to deal with the messy aftermath.

overall, it’s probably the worst possible ending.

of schemes and double agents ending

a kinda slow burn route, i suppose? in this ending, kaede realises that the heroes are being manipulated unlike in the previous one. she decides to restore the hero’s memories one by one and getting them to secretly help her. i don’t think she could recruit everyone, but i’m thinking about those like blue rose, who seemed to remember somewhat after kotetsu’s speech thing. kaede could slowly remind them, and despite initial mistrust and animosity they would come round and realise there was a huge discrepancy in their memory.

outright rebelling against maverick would be rash and the heroes risk being brainwashed once more, so they figure they would pull the strings somewhat and provide kaede/lunatic with internal knowledge to help them.

in the epic showdownTM, when the heroes and kaede finally have a face off, barnaby (and those who weren’t approached by kaede) would experience quite a curveball: those who regained their memories would side with kaede.

safety in solitude ending

in this ending, kaede works alone (with lunatic) without having recruited the other heroes even after realising they’ve been brainwashed. perhaps because it’d be too risky just in case they get brainwashed again or that they don’t agree with the vigilante’s idea and rat them out, whatever the reason may be the duo works alone.

this will lead into an even more epic showdownTM where it’s 2 v. 8: even though the stakes are not in the duo’s favour they somehow manage to come triumphant? or maybe the heroes regain their memories one by one and decide to stop fighting, even though they don’t exactly join the duo’s side.

constants:

maverick dies. lunatic kills him. i doubt many are against the idea though.

barnaby’s memories would be the last one she “restores”: (courtesy of my friend) it would probably go something like, in a burst of anger she jumps him and gets his hundred power. as she punches at him, she tearfully confronts him about how her father must’ve felt in his last moments and how much kotetsu seemed to adore him back when he was alive.

if bunny dies (ending 2/ending 3) kaede would not feel as angry and cynical, but more regretful or grievous. she’d probably stop using her next powers to do much anything (instead of continuing to be a vigilante like in ending 1). she’ll move on eventually, with more than less difficulty. the city of sternbild is on edge, but continue to place their faith on heroes.

if bunny lives (ending 2/ending 3), kaede would get a stronger sense of closure as she would be able to dialogue with bunny. barnaby would however, feel unending grief once he realises what he has done. 

regardless if bunny is dead or not, the truth is revealed to the general public along with maverick’s scheme and true intent in ending 2 and 3. so basically canon episode 25 ending except more angst and kotetsu is dead a while ago

not a constant… but it’s possible that because of lunatic’s whole code being “kill murderers and those who protect them” he’d be displeased with kaede choosing to spare bunny. maybe he’s the last boss… kaede and bunny defeat lunatic with 100 power, much like barnaby used to do with kotetsu?... nah that’s too messy and honestly i prefer lunatic and kaede to remain on peaceful terms lmao

lunatic’s satisfied with killing maverick, he’ll back off of this one—barnaby was manipulated anyway. so technically... it wasn’t his conscious decision nor his fault???

basically i don’t want kaede to fight her mentor figure, but i’m merely acknowledging the possibility.

actually…

maybe he walks up towards barnaby, the other heroes too beat up to do anything but watch while kaede remains by barnaby’s side

and lunatic just stands ominously in front of bunny, looking like he’s about to shoot him

but then he turns away

« hmph, how ridiculous. repent for the rest of your life, barnaby brooks jr. »

and then lunatic disappears in a flash, leaving a singed mark—the only proof that he had stood there.

heck, remember how she recovered the christmas pins? she could chuck those angrily at barnaby’s general direction to put emphasis.

kaede knows she’ll never be able to bring her father back, but she’d manage her grief easier. if barnaby lives, kaede would probably become a hero to honor her father and to use her power for good as her father would’ve wanted her to do.

miscellaneous

headcanons in no particular order, certainly not chronological. crack, fluff, angst, just whatever comes to mind. for ease of reading, i will try to organise them thematically.

relationships

tiger x bunny

rest in peace king, you will be missed.

kotetsu ded so the gay cannot be, rip in species.

but i’m putting this here because prior to the brainwashing they do be kinda gay tho, and even if kaede doesn’t know the exact nature of the relationship between the two she knows that her father was very fond of barnaby and cared for him deeply.

lunatic | yuri petrov & kaede

this au is pretty lunatic & kaede centric, because well,,, kotetsu kicked the bucket, and barnaby and the heroes are considered the villains here

i see lunatic and kaede having a mentor-student kind of relationship, that can be fluffy sometimes a found family trope could eventually be established, but that’s super delicate

on another note, if you really want to fuck up your 11 year old because you absolutely want to give kaede the worst possible outcomes for some reason, she could—as a young child who has lost both her parents at a very young age—develop an unhealthy dependence on this [lunatic] new authority figure. she might incorrectly interpret his concern for familial care, etc… but i’m not even going there, that’s too messy.

tbh the real tragedy would be kaede imprinting on yuri’s garbage sense of fashion… the secret to dressing well died with kotetsu.

idk if i should explicit this, but just in case: this is not a romantic ship please don’t come for my throat. literally this au was created because i wanted to see kaede start shit—just go absolutely feral and start chaos lmao

i would like snapshots of him teaching her how to control the flames better but also look out for her general well being because this kid has issues. basically give me a montage of yuri mentoring kaede and slowly becoming fond of her or give me death:

lunatic probably made his own costume so? i’d like to imagine yuri takes the time to make one for kaede too?? also he makes sure it wooshes cool in the wind and idk, flammable enough to allow her to burn the cape off before she attacks???

just yuri hand sewing some apparels for kaede uwu

also give me vaguely domestic yuri or give me death

also mayhaps, gives kaede affirming headpats?

like if she performs well and her mastery over her powers improves in leaps and bounds? or when she finally unlocks a skill she’s been struggling with for a bit?? just a proud head pat and a well-intentioned-but-cold-sounding « well done »???

maybe when kaede first actually learns how to use her powers, her emotions might get the best of her or maybe she’s plain nervous because fire = danger and scary. 

and it shows because the flames grow more erratic and out of her control, and yuri grows very concerned for her well being because he doesn’t want her to get burnt like he did when he first awakened his power.

before it all degenerates, he helps calm her down and prevent his house from burning down. or wherever he goes to when he’s doing lunatic stuff…

a dungeon ?

his basement ?

my basement don’t look like that

we know where all the judge money is going: renovating the basement

much like her mentor, when she gets rlly angry her eyes burst into flames. to prevent her from getting into trouble by accidentally activating her power and injuring someone or simply revealing her identity, yuri would teach her grounding exercises or anchoring phrases that he himself uses.

idk just teach her breathing techniques to ease her anxiety or a mantra to recite if she feels like she’s gonna set someone on fire

also idk if i should give kaede a different weapon from lunatic (i know i will because the crossbow is lunatic’s aesthetic, and his only), but i like to imagine yuri teaching her how to shoot crossbows and her becoming oddly proficient at it

grandma kaburagi wondering why kaede has wicked aim all of the sudden

tbh kaede would just shoot w her hands. just pew pew finger. 

or she does the kamehameha thing she did w blue rose’s power lmao

at first he kinda sees being responsible for her as a bit of a chore and annoying, but maybe he slowly grows fond of her and idk, dotes on her. 

protecc the bby

help her do her homework

« i’ve only had kaede for a day and a half. but if anything happened to her, i would kill everyone in this room and then myself. »

on the flipside, at first kaede thought that yuri is hecking weird, man. just creepy suspicious prosecutor dude who she allies with because revenge girl rlly wants revenge

but he grows on her and kaede thinks he’s not so bad after all. an good authority figure whom she respects and cares for 

she still probably thinks he’s hella weird tho

kinda weird but also sometimes kinda cool 

eccentric but like in a good way

like your weird neighbour henry who means well despite what he says sometimes 

kaede would learn his corny cool catchphrases and repeat them when she’s out and about as a vigilante. 

just adopt/mimic his speech pattern of saying things slowly for more oomph

gotta do the whole code of justice and thanatos speech before she bombards barnaby with flaming arrows

yuri feels oddly proud

they’re both probably hella protective over each other tho. because that’s just kaede’s personality and yuri feels responsible for the safety of this child that he has been entrusted with.

children love sweets right? yuri secretly likes sweets. they can share sweets after setting murderers on fire uwu

idk man i just want some good mentor-apprentice relationship

it doesn’t have to always be angst

we can have fluff

maybe they can learn from each other and be semi-functional human beings 

that thing where the apprentice’s outfit is like directly taken from their mentor’s but also vaguely different. i want that.

sometimes the real revenge is the friends you make along the way uwu

  school + domestic life

ok so like

kaede gets big depressed because duh your dad just got murdered by his partner 

and she rlly misses him and wished she was more understanding back then. she wished she spent more time w him back when he was alive

but it’s too late now and that makes her big depressed

so i feel like for the first few weeks/months after her father’s death, kaede wouldn’t go to school?? and i feel like her grandmother would understand and just like

not pester her about it and let her sort out her emotions first before talking to kaede about the elephant in the room

but also like, the school board also agrees to wait it out because the parents are kinda iffy about what has transpired

to be fair, oriental town is probably one of those small towns where everyone knows each other? so the parents/adults who know kotetsu are like??? kotetsu wouldn’t kill a person??

but the children who are more connected to the media and don’t know him personally believe that kotetsu murdered someone and deserved to be “arrested”? because why would you doubt hero tv and the heroes, they’re the good guys after all.

so when kaede found it within herself to finally go back to school, she has a rude awakening and learns that words travel fast in a small community

the other kids, not knowing any better, believed that kotetsu is a criminal w their whole chest and started all kinds of rumours on kaede

when she went to class she was greeted w her desk being pushed far away from the rest of the class, the other students steering clear from her

all sorts of nasty things were carved/marked with a sharpie on her locker and table—some others stuck paper with w the word “murderer” on it

kaede lost most of her friends and the rest of the classmates avoided her like the plague as they say vile things about her and her father

« look she’s back »

they don’t even try to hide the fact or bother to mask their voice and speak in a hushed whisper. 

« they said her father killed someone, who knows what she could do »

so kaede hears everything.

« don’t get close to her, or we might end up finding your body in a ditch »

kaede doesn’t follow through, but sometimes she thinks about running away from school to escape the bullying.

« come to think of it, she was always weird wasn’t she? she’s so creepy! »

maybe at some point it gets so disruptive that kaede can’t have a functional or healthy school life due to the constant harassment and alienation, so the school board agreed to let kaede do the rest of the year through online classes or homeschooling

in a way this works out very well for kaede, because it allows her more freetime to do vigilante stuff and she gets to avoid people’s gaze. 

she’s grown to dislike them, the scornful gaze of her peers and the pity from the adults.

the student’s parents always come to apologise to her, but for some reason their pity infuriates her to no end.

sadly this means that kaede isn’t as cheerful as before and becomes more closed off and reserved :(

kaede would continue to do ice skating tho

because it’s her passion

but also because she’s obstinate like that

« oh the others don’t want me here? they hate me?? they think i don’t belong on the ice??? they can go stick it, i’m gonna be amazing out of spite! »

at home kaede becomes even more protective over her grandmother, as seeing as she’s being homeschooled means she gets to spend more time w her and help her out with the housework

idk the blue flames could be handy for doing housework

oh the stove won’t light up? oh you’re gonna go get a different lighter? nice this is a convenient time to use my next power to spark the stove! when grandma is back kaede is just like « look i got it to light up, guess u didn’t have to go through all that trouble huh? » :D

since the fire doesn’t burn indiscriminately, could she, theoretically, control the heat/where it burns to make laundry dry faster???

kaede nearly gets a heart attack seeing the new scarecrow for grandma’s cabbage patch, but turns out she just found kaede’s vigilante costume laying around and didn’t think twice about it 

bonus points of grandma uses lunatic himself as a scarecrow

lunatic would make an incredible scarecrow fight me

despite not being able to retrieve kotetsu’s body to bury him with tomoe, kaede often visits their family grave and the shrine in kotetsu’s room and bring them flowers. 

she knows she’s just talking to air, but she likes to recount her day to her parents. about whatever she’s up to, and keeping them updated on everyone’s condition: grandma and uncle are doing well. grandma is still healthy thank god, while uncle sometimes like to joke about how his store is terribly quiet now without kotetsu around.

she tells them the whole truth, how she found lunatic and was going to avenge her father. that she was going to prove his innocence to everyone, if it was the last thing she’ll ever do.

in a bittersweet way, it comforts her somewhat that her father is finally with his wife again and that they’re both watching over her.

  of next powers and secret identities

to this day, kaede is the only one who knows about yuri’s secret identity

they’re both complicit in this secret matter

schemes 

this continues even after the endings 

even if she became a hero she’d refuse to reveal lunatic’s real identity

it’s a matter of principle

she will always hold a great deal of respect for her mentor 

schemes

on another note, i’m fixing kaede’s next power because it’s too broken and is kinda inconvenient lmao: in this au she needs actual skin-to-skin contact to assimilate someone else’s next power, so if the individual is wearing gloves or touching clothes it won’t work.

adding on to this, kaede starts wearing gloves when she’s up and about so that she can limit the amount of nexts she may unknowingly make contact with and keep her current ability [blue fire].

the power would be super useful tho. like you can make yourself disappear into a puff of flames,,, so theoretically if kaede finds herself in a situation she’d rather not be in she can just ghost you irl

« y’all ugly. boom. »

remember how kaede’s room is filled to the brim w barnaby merch???

great for target practice and for letting out your anger

also to dramatically scribble out the eyes in black sharpie to get the revenge girl aesthetic 

oh man she’ll probably be sad that she snipped her father off from that one picture with barnaby 

in that regard her attitude towards bunny will take a complete 180

she used to think the world of him, but now all she thinks about is crushing him under her heel

also, i know she’d imitate lunatic’s whole speech thing, but what if she repeated her father’s catchphrase to provoke barnaby?

also in homage of her dad ofc

« it’s time to let out a wild roar! »

*strikes pose*

*angery barnaby noises*

what if as time goes on it gets increasingly harder and harder to hide the fact that kaede is a vigilante. 

like at first, her family is like “oh she’s grieving in her own way, let’s give her some space” and they’re surprised by how well kaede is taking it because she’s so calm, even if she’s more distant 

while kaede sneaks out at night to start shit

and her grandmother starts to notice how she seems more alert and jumpy, or sleep deprived. how kaede seemed to be hiding bruises and injuries, and tries to clean her wounds herself late at night. 

when asked kaede would deny everything and say she doesn’t use her next powers anymore because it freaks her out

but grandma is suss

she concerned for her granddaughter

maybe she doesn’t know about kaede’s secret identity but maybe she finds out she’s been meeting with yuri

a grandma beats up a man in his late 20s-mid 30s on live television 

maybe at some point the heroes learn kaede’s real age, or assume correctly that she’s barely a teen and they’re like

is lunatic forcing you to do this ?

you don’t have to do something you don’t want to

it’s not too late for you if you give up

when rlly this was all kaede’s choice in the first place, not even lunatic’s

and that assumption rlly makes kaede angry, because their inactivity led to her father’s death and forced her hands

so it’s not their place to act like they’re concerned for her and her safety

just rlly distrust and dislike the heroes 

has a strong disdain for them

real talk, but kaede doesn’t know that the heroes were brainwashed. that’s why she’s able to be so ruthless against them, because she thinks they’re evil and working for some big conspiracy while playing a helpful and friendly front.

but when/if she does learn the truth? the kotetsu factor jumps out.

they aren’t acting as if they were the good guys, they rlly think that they are because to them they just took out another criminal and not their longtime friend.

she’ll have an inner conflict. because on one hand, the heroes don’t know any better and are being manipulated so it would be cruel to punish them so harshly. on the other hand, they got her dad killed and for that she wants to inflict them as much pain and grief as they have caused her.

the kotetsu factor would keep her going tho. now she’s determined to not only clear her father’s name, but also restore everyone’s memory, because it’s the right thing to do.

but now everytime she has to face them and fight, she feels a slight hesitancy and feels sorry for them.

mayhaps blue rose as double agent ???

origami got big double agent potential, but he wasn’t having any of kotetsu’s shit so alas

another important character we gotta talk about: h-01

hear me out

so the android isn’t built with a voice box so it can’t speak. it don’t got any acoustics. but because of maverick’s brainwashing, when the heroes talk to the empty air they hear “tiger’s” response, which is purely borne from their own psychosis.

h-01: …

barnaby: perfect idea tiger, you can cover me

or

rock bison: who is that guy?

h-01: …

rock bison: yeah they look very suspicious to me too…

or

or

h-01: …

barnaby: i know!

anyway, it’s very weird and surreal to watch

just the heroes having a very one sided conversation

lunatic and kaede don’t know what to make of it and finds it really bizarre, because they know the android isn’t saying anything at all

yet the heroes are convinced he’s communicating with them

so maybe if kaede manages to restore someone’s memory, they start to notice that “tiger” doesn’t actually talk. he never did this whole time.

and it gets hard to come up with a response and pretend he answered them. 

the restored heroes also find it super creepy how it’s just silent and watching, how the others seem to think that the robot can speak.

maybe this will cause some suspicion amongst the heroes (who will brush it off) and maverick, and the restored hero will have to pretend to still be brainwashed to not get manipulated a second time

basically h-01 is creepy and just generally not fun to be around

illustration

edit: thank you @kyarymell​ for cleaning the sketch up on photoshop ;w;

LIKE MY WORK? CONSIDER BUYING ME A COFFEE // CHECKING OUT MY MASTERLIST | LINKS CAN BE FOUND ON MY DESC

[jumukus]

A3! Event: This is the Inner Palace, the Flower Garden Chapter 4 Translation

Azuma and Yuki help out the cast understand their roles better.

Azuma: Inner palace was a workplace that women in that era longed for. However, getting a job in that place was not easy.

As an okujochu*, women were expected to have outstanding qualifications fitting to serve both the feudal lord and his wife.

Izumi: How do you know a lot about this, Azuma-san?

Azuma: Fufu, do you want to know?

Izumi: ...Maybe some other time.

Azuma: The truth is, I’ve always been very interested in inner palace. It looks like a pandemonium where the riff raff, the corrupt and the monsters crawl out.

Homare: I get you! I get you, Azuma-san!

Azami: ...I don’t get it at all.

Muku: I didn’t know inner palace was such a scary place...

Tsumugi: Don’t worry, Muku-kun. We’re not going to enter a real inner palace.

Azuma: Putting the jokes aside…

Izumi: (I wonder if he was truly joking…)

Azuma: When I was cast as a female character, I watched various movies to help me perfect my role.

First, a court lady in the inner palace must be able to sew. …With that said, I leave this to you, Yuki.

Yuki: Okay, guys. Take this.

Itaru: Sewing set and… our past costumes?

Yuki: Fix these. I’ve marked all the parts that need to be fixed, like the frayed part and the deteriorated fabric.

Each of you are gonna be in charge of your own costumes. That way, you won’t handle them carelessly.

Azuma: The court ladies in the inner palace won’t handle the feudal lord and his wife’s outfits carelessly, after all.

I think this is the perfect method to understand them better.

Izumi: I see… This will be a good lesson for them, indeed.

Yuki: I’ll start, then. This is how you use the needle. Watch and learn.

Yuki: Hey, Elite swindler! Your head wouldn’t even pass through the neck hole if you sew that part!

Itaru: Ah… so this is the neck hole?

Yuki: You too, Sakyo! You’re gonna ruin the cloth if you grasp it so strongly like that!

Sakyo: Tch… I’ve never sewed costumes properly before. If it’s disaster prevention hood or dust cloth…

Yuki: Tsumugi! Arisu! Your threads got tangled up! Do it again!

Tsumugi: T-This is difficult…

Homare: Mhm… Never would have thought this would be a spartan sewing class…! This is certainly a new challenge…!

Izumi: A-are they going to be all right…?

Azuma: Fufu, who knows?

Izumi: Azuma-san… are you enjoying this?

Azuma: Don’t give the others the wrong idea. I’m merely watching over their okujochu training.

Besides, the other three seem to be doing just fine.

Azami: Yuki-san, did I sew this part right?

Yuki: Yup yup. You’re pretty good in this, Azami.

You did well too, Muku. If I remember correctly, didn’t you say you’re good at sewing?

Muku: I could only do simple things like sewing buttons on, but… I don’t exactly hate doing this kind of work.

Chikage: I’m done. Check it, Yuki.

Yuki: ...It’s annoyingly perfect.

Izumi: You’re right… You guys are awesome…!

Itaru: Welp, now I ended up sewing the sleeves together.

Tsumugi: I couldn’t… make the thread... pass through the needle...

Sakyo: Tch! I stabbed my finger with the needle…

Homare: Jesus! I was planning to sew this fabric, but I ended up undoing the sewing!

Izumi: (Meanwhile, this side seems to be having a hard time…)

Yuki: ...Well, that’s all for today.

Azuma: Good work, everyone. Did this lesson help you get a taste of how it feels like to be an okujochu?

Homare: Yes, and a lot at that. Being an okujochu is hard…

Tsumugi: My fingers are covered with band-aids…

Yuki: With the number of our repeat shows increasing, I’ve been having a hard time trying to maintain the costumes before the deadline, so this was helpful.  

Thanks, Azu-nee.

Azuma: You’re welcome.

Chikage: ...Looks like we’ve been completely used.

Itaru: That was hella depressing.

Azuma: For the next part, I’ll teach you etiquette.

Tsuzuru: Can I have a moment before that, please?

Izumi: Tsuzuru-kun?

Tsuzuru: I’ve finished writing the script. Can you take a look at it?

Sakyo: ...I see, so the story will revolve around the conflict between influential figures of imperial court and the military family.

Chikage: This is interesting. It shows the terrible relationships between the people in the inner palace.

Izumi: Yes, I think so too!

Tsuzuru: That’s great to hear! Thank you.

Yuki: ...How about the costumes, then?

Izumi: Now that you mention it… I think it’s pretty obvious that everyone is going to wear kimono.

Yuki: I don’t mind helping with the preparation. Looking at the plot, I think we’re gonna need proper kimono with classical patterns.

Sakyo: Just so you know, we don’t have the budget to prepare kimono for this number of people.

Izumi: I’ll ask the people from Edo Park to prepare it for us, then.

Azami: I need to think about what kind of makeup that will go well with the kimono too.

T/N: *woman in waiting in the inner part of a lord's mansion

< Chapter 3 | Masterlist | Chapter 5 >

[dmcrossroads-blog]

War of the Spark, a novel review

As a child, I aspired to become an author. There was something alluring about crafting characters and entwining their lives together through circumstances. It is also one of the reasons I was an avid reader as a child. I still remember the release of the fifth Harry Potter novel and a friend loaned me their copy. I returned it to them the next day at school and they were confused as to why I didn’t want to finish it. But I had! The fifth book came in at 766 pages, for context.

The entire point to going over these little details it to outline how much I truly enjoy a story. Combine that with the fact that, as many will guess, I am obsessed with Magic: the Gathering and you would imagine that the War of the Spark novel was a dream-come-true for me. It has been ages since the last Magic novel, and this was the finale of a decade-long spiderweb of stories and there was much speculation and tension riding on this book. I had high hopes for it, especially as the cards were previewed ahead of its release. And, I’m sad to announce, I was ultimately disappointed. 

There is a lot to unpack here. There was always going to be a laundry list of challenges for anyone who wrote this story, so I want to put this out as a disclaimer: my comments here are not direct criticism toward Greg Weisman and some of these comments aren’t even directly critical of Wizards of the Coast themselves. Some of it happens to just be a collection of unfortunate circumstances. So, let’s dive into this.

Before we get too deep into the review of the story, I do want to make sure to give a SPOILER WARNING. Some of this will reveal plot points or character points of the novel. If you don’t want to know these things before reading it and coming to your own conclusions, please bookmark the page and come back after you’ve read the novel.

The Kiddie Character Pool

When I say “kiddie character pool”, I’m not referring that the characters are children, or even that the writing is geared toward children. Rather, I’m referencing the lack of depth in the characters that were presented. Vraska and Jace specifically did not live up to the deeper characters we had become accustomed to after their foray and frolicking in Ixalan. Jace lost some of his self-confidence and regained much of his brooding nature. Vraska’s confidence and determination to aid her friends and end the threat of Bolas seems to have flown the coop in favor of something of a self-pity party.

While these are the top two examples of lack of character depth, there are a few throughout the story as well. Domri Rade seems to exist solely to illustrate a person fed up with the status quo of Ravnica and what happens to those who are loyal to Bolas when he’s done with them. Aside from that, he offers little to the plot. The character Rat basically exists to reveal information to newer players or readers who are unfamiliar to Ravnica and some of the other Planeswalkers, going so far to even embody this “newness” in Teyo, one of the main perspectives and a newly ignited Planeswalker. While the plan does the job to inform the reader, it does come across as a cheap, almost “cheating” trope.

We got Quantity, not Quality

This also comes into play with another big criticism. When it comes to the supporting cast, we were buried under name after name after name, but given very little else. Characters like Kiora, Tamiyo and others were named and even briefly seen in the story but had virtually no lines. Even characters like Nissa had very little important “screen time” throughout the novel, despite having quite a bit of exposition available to them.  

This problem even extended down past the Planeswalkers of the story, but to a greater degree. Characters that lined up with the Planeswalkers’ interest, like Aurelia and Tomik and even Emmara Tandris and Trostani were able to get some dialogue throughout the story, but there was a gaping hole where so many important Ravnica-native characters were left out. Normally, this is easily excusable for the sake of the story, but when you remember that the entire set of cards was previewed just before the release of the novel, this created and awkward mix of expectations versus what we received. People were excited to see long-beloved characters like Fblthp and Feather finally receive cards, along with the Vorthos phantom Massacre Girl. Then characters like Krenko were never mentioned and even exciting new character Roaleks was briefly mentioned, but then never seen or heard. By the end of the novel, I very much felt like this was the second book in a series and I had missed the first book. There can be a point made that the cards do not always have to be drawn into the story, but given that the cards were not only previewed in story order but also even highlighted by what “Act” they appeared in, it feels very strange to see these Acts feel like they’re missing parts.

The Endgame

My final main criticism of the novel was the endgame of the plot. The whole idea is that Nicol Bolas is attempting to gain godhood by drawing Planeswalkers to Ravnica with the beacon that Ral Zarek was manipulated into making to try to assemble Magic’s version of the Avengers, then trap them on the plane with the Immortal Sun that Tezzeret and Vraska stole from Azor on Ixalan. Finally, the Dreadhorde of Amonkhet lazotep-covered zombies were the mindless drones, led by Liliana, to draw out the sparks of Planeswalkers to send them back to Nicol Bolas as a godhood battery. In terms of evil plots, it is not terrible and the lamenting of the characters like Ral Zarek did a decent job at setting Nicol Bolas up as the omnipotent thinker who was always one step ahead. But in the end, it seemed as though the bad guy went down with… Well, very little fight.

The simple moral of the story was that Bolas’ own hubris cost him his own victory. Imbuing Hazoret’s weapon with his own essence, treating Liliana like a soulless drone and overall underestimating how dangerous an army of Planeswalkers could be were the big points that get made in the last chapter by Ugin. Which begs the question: for a creature that thinks so far ahead to make his enemies think they’re stopping him but really are just playing into his plans, these seem like relatively obvious things to overlook. The conclusion feels less like the heroes banded together to thwart a God-powered Elder Dragon and pre-Mending Planeswalker and more like Bolas was a childish whelp with a touch of power that finally got what was coming to him. It came across very unsatisfying, given that this was supposed to be the conclusion of a decade-long set of stories all coming together and the ending of this phase of the story and the last of Bolas’ arc(s).

In Conclusion

Sadly, I think this was poor expectation management combined with some other limitations… Time, page count, etc. can all be attributing factors that may be outside of many people’s control. For what it is worth, the novel did the job of showing us how the arc has ended, and the plot points do follow what we expected from the preview season of the card set. The only unfortunate conclusion I can come to is that the novel is almost like a SparkNotes version of what we wanted. If War of the Spark had been a trilogy, I think we could have gotten something much more epic-feeling and satisfying. Overall, despite understanding those other factors and the limitations, I wouldn’t rate the novel above a 4/10, though I think it falls as a 3 in my personal preferences. Too many of the characters I was excited to see were not even mentioned and again; Expectation management dictated that they would at least have a line in the story, even if it was just a third-party mention of what they were doing during the conflict.

If this is the beginning of Magic: the Gathering novels coming back as a regular occurrence, I believe Wizards needs to look at their previous attempts and learn from what made (some) of those stories great. They need to look at what we, the fans, are saying about War of the Spark and learn from what we’re telling them we didn’t enjoy about the experience. There may not be a perfect answer where everyone is happy and the company has the team, funding and people to provide it to us, but I have to believe there is a way to obtain a better experience and a higher success rate than what we got in this instance.

Here’s to hoping for a better future, Wizards. Thanks for reading.

[douxreviews]

Manifest - ‘Vanishing Point' Review

"Sometimes the things he draws, they've happened already but he couldn't have known... Other times, they haven't happened yet..."

What makes for a great episode? I would submit that one template for a great episode is an episode where the characters you know and love, faced with a critical situation, band together and take it on with everything they've got--and have two or three plot twists thrown at them for good measure.

Grace called the cops, like any parent would upon finding her kid missing, but Ben is concerned that The Major may have informants in the NYPD.  Michaela enlists Jared to falsely report that Cal is with his grandfather, which ends the police investigation.

Ben takes a look at Cal's sketchbook, and they quickly realize that the pictures are clues to finding Cal, and that Autumn tore out one of the pages.  Grace recognizes one of the pictures as the town square in Tannersville, in the Catskills--someplace she and Olive went the previous summer (with Danny, no doubt), but where Cal has never been before.  While Michaela and Jared go to work giving Autumn a thorough and well-deserved grilling, Ben and Grace borrow Danny's big honking 4WD pickup truck--that must have been a really awkward conversation, but we didn't get to see it--and head for Tannersville.

For the rest of the episode, our main characters are hitting on all cylinders, and each of them contributes to the effort to locate Cal: Ben, Grace, Michaela, Jared, even Olive, who finds a key message in Cal's secret hiding place.  It turns out that Cal wasn't taken by The Major or anyone else, he left on a calling of his own.

The drawing Autumn took from the sketchbook was of Autumn and the daughter she lost custody of when she went to prison--the source of The Major's leverage.  On the back of that page is a drawing of a cabin near Tannersville, where Ben and Grace eventually find Cal.  About two minutes later, a man bursts in and promptly collapses, suffering from hypothermia.  Inside Cal's backpack there is a sleeping bag and first aid supplies, exactly what is needed to treat the injured man.

His name is Zeke, and he relates that he was on an extended camping trip when he got caught in an intense blizzard.  (There is no snow on the ground outside the cabin.  This is not a plot hole or a continuity error, as you'll see in a few sentences.)  He holed up in a cave and tried to stay warm by starting a fire, using the December issue of Celebrity Dossier Magazines for kindling.  The cover story of this issue ("Four Years Later, and Still No Answers") was about the people lost on Flight 828.  The last page had a picture of Michaela, and when he saw it Zeke felt a compulsion to go out in the snow, repeating to himself, "Find her."  (That's right, Michaela's (and Cal's) snowstorm vision was from Zeke's perspective.)  For his part, Zeke has never heard that Flight 828 returned.  As the cover date on the magazine reveals, Zeke's camping trip, and the blizzard he got caught up in, took place, not in the show's "present day" of 2018, but in December of 2017.

"828" Watch

Blink-and-you'll-miss-it sightings of the arc number on the pages of Celebrity Dossier Magazines.

Also on the manifest....

The scene at the end of the first act, where it cuts from Cal's sketchbook drawing of his parents and his aunt to closeups of his parents and aunt looking at the sketchbook, to the final shot of the three of them standing in the exact same composition as the drawing, was probably the coolest thirty seconds of the series so far.

Over the course of the episode, Grace and Ben have the conversation they should have had eight or nine episodes ago.  Grace finally comprehends just how mysterious and ominous the callings are, and how hard Ben has been working to protect his family.  Ben finally realizes that his OCD tendencies got the best of him and he should have read Grace in on the full story concerning the callings, the missing passengers, and The Major, much sooner.  It seems they are on the way to patching things up.

Speak of the devil, we finally get to meet The Major.  She's seen taking a call from her underling while standing on the balcony of a really high end New York apartment she's thinking of buying or renting.  She's played by Elizabeth Marvel, an alumna of Person of Interest.

Given that foster care and adoption records are not open to the general public--in many states, even an adoptee has to jump through bureaucratic hoops to get access--it's pretty impressive that Michaela tracked Autumn's long-lost daughter down in just a few hours, with no court orders.

Tannersville is a town of 539 people, according to the last census, and bills itself as "the painted village in the sky."

Now playing in-universe at the Lafayette Theater in downtown Tannersville: What Lies Beneath.

The page of Celebrity Dossier Magazines with Michaela's picture on it has quotes about her from Olive, the precinct captain, and the rector of Michaela's church.

Quotes

Michaela to Autumn: "You know, for a con artist, your poker face sucks hard." Ouch.

Olive: "I can feel him, just like last time.  I think he's in danger, and he's terrified, and it's like he's trying to send me, like--oh my God."

Grace: "Sweetie, how did you get here?" Cal: "I took a bus to Tannersville, got a ride from Max at the gas station, then I walked up from the road." Grace: "I don't understand.  Why?  Why did you do this?" Cal: "This is where I'm supposed to be."

Grace: "You were trying to take care of us, all of us, all this time.  I didn't see it." Ben: "I didn't let you see it."

The Major: "If I've learned anything running point for 22 years, there's no need to chase the enigma when it lives right in our backyard."  What does that mean, and what enigma did she start "running point" on back in 1996?

Conclusion

The best episode of the series yet.  Tense, exciting, well written and acted.  Four out of four borrowed pickup trucks.

Baby M prefers small, agile sports cars to big 4WD pickup trucks.

[llampacaeatingguppy]

Jasper vs. Baking

With special guest and commentator: Shawn

Note: In case you didn’t know, I am incapable of writing things with plot

It took exactly one four-word text to send Shawn bursting through the Rift family’s door like a whirlwind. “Where are you, Jasp?”

“In the kitchen.” A moment later, he was in the living room. He was wearing the frilly, hot pink apron with the words “Hot Stuff” branded on it in big, curly letters that Shawn had given him for Christmas. “What’s up?”

“What’s up? What’s up? You send me a text that says ‘I want to die’ with no explanation and you have the audacity to look confused when I break into your house?”

“Dude, it’s not breaking in. You literally have a key.”

“That is not the point here.” He stood on his toes to get into Jasper’s face. “Explain yourself.”

Jasper blinked in surprise before something clicked. “Oh, you think-- no, I’m fine. I’ve just been chopping dates and the mindless repetition was about enough to make me want to bash out my own brain. Nothing scary.”

Shawn narrowed his eyes skeptically. “You’ve been chopping… dates?”

“Yep.”

“And you hated it enough to text me something that sounds borderline suicidal for funsies?” He brushed past Jasper to storm into the kitchen, vaguely aware of Jasper’s amused chuckle as he followed him. “I’d better find a ton of dates, or so help me I will hogtie you and drag you to my therapist.”

To be fair, there were a ton in a bowl on the kitchen table, chopped up to about the size of raisins. “I appreciate the concern, but I don’t think that’s necessary. And you couldn’t do it even if you tried.” Jasper circled around him to fuss over supplies on the counter.

Okay, that was probably true. He glanced at the notecared on the table. It had big, scrawling handwriting all over it with the label ‘Orange, Date, & Nut Cake’ at the top. “Look, far be it from my place to judge your bizarre, masochistic ways, but why exactly are you doing this to yourself? You hate baking and, last I checked, you didn't like fruitcakes.”

Jasper dropped something and went diving after it. “It’s Dad’s birthday, and this is his Grandma’s recipe that Aunt Jane told me was his favorite, and I didn’t think a pound of dates would be so much work to chop--”

“A pound of these goes into this thing?” He burst out, horrified.

“I know, right?” Jasper laughed anxiously. “And I haven’t even started anything else yet. I have literally been chopping for over an hour.” He pointed at the bowl.

“Uh, Jasper?” Shawn ventured, eyeing the cheese grater dubiously.

“That’s me.”

“Didn’t you, like, skin your finger last time you used that thing?”

“Yep. Took some of the meat off, too. Dad fainted. There’s still a scar there. That was when I was using the grating side, though. This is the zesting side.”

“Lovely,” he muttered, unconvinced, as Jasper grated the orange against it as if there wasn’t an injury involved almost every time he took it out of the cupboard.

“Ow!”

And there it was. He got up to get the Band-Aids.

“That doesn’t look like much orange.” Jasper frowned at the mountain of dates next to the measly two tablespoon high pile of chopped orange. Or, more accurately, the ‘about two tablespoons’ high pile; Jasper seemed to have forsaken formally measuring things for the time being. “You know what? That’s not enough orange.”

Shawn’s head snapped up from his article on local lesser known cryptids in an instant. “Don’t do it, dude. Baking has formal measurements for a reason, messing with them can have consequences.”

“Dad likes orange, so it’ll be fine.” He was already dicing up more, and ended up using half of it before he was satisfied.

Jasper, flopped over the table like he was, looked like some sort of poster boy for being overdramatic. “Why does the world hate me. I just want to be done, is that too much to ask here?”

“Dude, why didn’t you check to see if you needed to re-batch more of your flour blend before you started?”

“I didn’t think that four cups would be so much, okay? Leave me alone to die.”

“You’re not gonna die. Calm down.”

“Yes I am! My will to live is getting weaker by the second. I’m going to burst into a bunch of flower petals and float off into the breeze like a wizened kung-fu master any moment.”

“No, you’re not. Now get off the table.”

“I’m not doing it, Shawn.”

“You’re not doing what?”

Jasper jabbed an accusing finger at the recipe which, by this point, looked like it had been through a war zone. Then again, so did Jasper. And the kitchen. And Shawn. Flour was all over, well, everything-- one component of the flour, anyways. Jasper had dropped the potato starch, the lid had fallen off, and, well… Shawn had almost resorted to grabbing him by the ear and physically dragging his crying ass off the floor after that incident.

“It says, ‘add nuts and dates last, rolled in some of the flour.’ I’m not doing that. Do you have any idea how much this stuff costs, Shawn? I have literally cried over making it. I’m not just going to squander it by rolling goddamn dates in it.”

Shawn shrugged. “Then don’t, I guess. But don’t come crying to me when it doesn’t work.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine.” He dumped the mound of dates, and significantly smaller piles of oranges and nuts, into the bowl.

“Are you sure that’s all going to be able to get stirred in?”

“I really hope so.”

Miraculously, it did, although it looked as if it were made of cement when Jasper poured it into the pan, and weighed about the same, too.

“Right. Now that that monstrosity is in the oven, I should get started on the sauce,” Jasper said primly, as if he wasn’t even more covered in flour and hadn’t had Shawn pinned in a headlock on the floor for the last two minutes for stealing some of the batter.

Shawn put his hands behind his head in attempt to relax on the hard, unforgiving linoleum. “You know, it actually tasted pretty good. That thing might turn out to be decent.”

“Ha-ha, that’s funny. It’s a fruit cake, how good can it be?”

“Maybe it's a magic fruit cake that drains its creator’s life force in order to make itself delicious.”

Jasper gave him a doubtful look before turning towards the recipe. “Okay, this should be easy. I just have to put the stuff in a pot and heat it on the stove until it’s dissolved.”

Laying on the floor quickly got uncomfortable, and that meant he was back to hovering behind Jasper. “Can I taste it?”

“It’s a boiling liquid. You don’t want to taste it.”

“Uh, yeah, actually, I do. I saw how much sugar you put in that thing.”

Jasper sighed. “Fine, but get your own spoon.”

The millisecond of flavor he got before his taste buds were boiled alive and sending him running to the freezer for ice was absolute bliss. “It’s good,” he said around an ice cube. Not exactly the most understandable methods of communication, but if Jasper could understand him when he’d gotten his tongue stung by a hornet, than he could understand him now.

He chuckled, still stirring the juice/sugar/orange mixture. “Glad you think so-- oh, shit.” He froze, eyes wide.

“What’s wrong?”

“I forgot the xanthum gum,” he said flatly.

“And that’s… bad?”

“That’s the stuff that helps hold gluten free baked stuff together, so yeah, that’s pretty bad.” He laughed, horrified. “It’s gonna fall apart.”

Shawn patted his shoulder. “It’s okay, man. Your dad’ll still love you.”

“Listen, I know that you’re already ruined, and I’m sorry, but do you really have to make this worse for me than it already is? The only other birthday present I have for Dad is a pack of cheap pens, okay? I need you to be somewhat edible.”

As per the directions on the recipe, they’d poured the sauce over the cake while it was still hot in the pan. Not as per the directions, the sauce was refusing to absorb like it was supposed to.

“Maybe if we poked holes in it, like Mom does with that chocolate cake with the caramel sauce?” he suggested.

A metaphorical lightbulb seemed to turn on over Jasper's head. “Shawn, you incredible bastard, I would mcflipping make out with you for that idea if you were into guys.”

“Sorry, dude. You'll just have to settle for friends without benefits. It's not your fault though, I am pretty irresistible.” He brushed his hair out of his face and winked.

Jasper raised an eyebrow at him. “Really? Is that what you are?”

“Hey! Are you calling me ugly?”

“No, no, not ugly. But you're definitely not ‘please drag me to the nearest broom closet,’ either.”

“I'm so kinkshaming you for that later.”

“That’s a gem, coming from you.”

An hour later, it was cool enough to come out of the pan, and managed to do so without incident.

“I am never, ever making this thing again,” Jasper swore.

It didn’t crumble nearly as much as Jasper seemed to think it would. Hell, Mr. Rift seemed to love it. “Do you think you could make it again, maybe over Christmas? Grandma always had it over Christmas.”

Shawn could have swore that he saw Jasper’s eye twitch. “Yeah, sure, Dad. No problem.”

[petty-crush]

“Bohemian Rhapsody”

-this picture wasn’t any damn fun

-I can care less about historical accuracy, could over look that the visual reference for this film is the “More Cowbell!” skit from snl, but to make a film this boring is ridiculous

-I am utterly sick of music bio pics; each time I hope it will not be a slideshow that goes “and then this, and then that, and then...” but it is this time

-(a great counter point is “Love and Mercy”; it focuses on two parts of Brian Wilson’s life —making “Pet Sounds” and getting away from his controlling shrink— decades apart, and intercuts then with great editing. It doesn’t attempt to tell his whole story and is far more interesting)

-the cherry on top is the heavy, dry slice of preachy morality cake

-the 1970’s were far more culturally liberated than the 2010’s; this is like watching an old evangelical man tell the story of young liberated girl

-every instance of gay men shown are all leather daddies who promise to lose control of you life and get you sexual diseases. It’s the most tired photocopied cultural shorthand I can think of for the lgbt community

-I have never liked Bryan Singer’s visual choices, and I honestly can’t imagine any straight man (not named Tom Hooper or Paul Feig) doing a more bland and dismissive film

-I like stray seconds; the band falling over laughing recording the backing vocals for “Bohemian”, them hearing the bass for “Another one bites the dust”, the hand held when Freddie brings his loving partner to his family. These are like bumps on a road where a car is dying slowly down a long highway

-I like some Queen songs and find others overplayed; the title track I can use a break from. “Don’t Stop Me Now” is still as vibrant as ever. Everything is shown with a banal “so that happened”

-(there are soooooo many fascinating stories for Queen; a whole picture could be done about making the super odd “Queen II”, how they composed the score for “Flash Gordon” ad “Highlander”. How, oh, Freddie Mercury lived for another six years after Live Aid, and there is a Queen song where the last verse was sung by Brian May because Freddie died before recording it)

-this film treats the music and background of these four men as elevator music; not the best, but not bad enough to offend anyone. It’s...there. No musician deserves that

-there is a wonderful magazine called Decibel. They cover important albums but only if every band member is alive to interview. This film is the greatest evidence for that idea. This film really needs some input from Freddie.

-I find it impossible Freddie would have called all his escapades numbing and empty and he needed to settle down. I find all the words about how he needs the band and he lost the plot the POV of the other members and he would have some input to add. I can’t believe he would make his own life this uneventful

-I just find this so un-cinematic. So lacking in theatrics. This telling (it never shows) could be heard from a jukebox. It doesn’t take advantage of the mediums’s strengths

-a picture this dead doesn’t happen by accident; it’s when a rectangular object is bent out of shape to fit a square hole. When the director could care less about making the material, when the actors have their passion drained, when everyone is afraid of looking foolish and goes middle of the road, when someone cares more about validation from others than the body of work. When...whatever

[maximumsuckage]

Dreamscape, part 2

Link to Part 1: https://maximumsuckage.tumblr.com/post/167175722147/dreamscape 

Description: Sam, Dean, and Jack discuss the Norse death goddess Hela.  Across the country, a werewolf child turns up dead.

Word Count: 3125

A/n: I am so so so sorry if I ruin this by adding more, but tis the season of NaNoWriMo and this is the closest thing I've had to a plot in ages, so I don't care if it's fanfic and not original.  lemme know if anyone is interested enough to be tagged in updates, no worries if nah

  “So lemme get this straight.”  Dean wrapped his fingers around the coffee mug as he looked down at the book Sam had dropped in front of him.  “You have a dream about our old dead buddy the Trickster, only he’s a giant crazy monster, and he tells you some crap and sends you on a quest to find his freaky death goddess daughter to be the Jedi Master to your freaky angel padawan?”

Sam let out a slow breath.  “No, Dean.  I mean, yeah, but you’re ignoring the point here.  Jack isn’t the first archangel offspring.  It makes sense… we knew Gabe was Loki.  I just never realized he was Loki.  Like, the actual god.  He had a whole life outside of Heaven…”  He trailed off, looking down at the book, not for the first time wondering at how little they actually knew.  “And he wasn’t a giant crazy monster.  He was an archangel.  Without the vessel.”

Dean waved a dismissive hand and sipped his coffee.  “Whatever.  So monster Gabe wants you to find his freaky death goddess daughter.  And what, exactly?  We don’t exactly have a great record with pagan gods.”

“Yeah, but Dean, this could be an opportunity.”  This was pointless.  They were going in circles, still, like they had been for forty minutes already.  “I know that it’s a risk, but-”

“But nothing.”  Dean gestured with the mug of coffee.  “We’ve already dealt with Death himself.  We’re not getting the attention of one of his death god lackeys too.  Mr. Miyagi the kid yourself, fine.  But if we get her attention and she gets pissed…”

“Then we take her out too.”  Sam stood.  “We’ve taken out stronger things than-”

“Than an archangel Nephilim?  An archangel Nephilim who’s had thousands of years to hone her powers?”  Dean raised an eyebrow and sipped his coffee.  “Look, I get it.  The kid’s not all bad.  Might grow up to be a superhero.  Who knows?  But we do know that a goddess named Hell is not someone we want to tussle with.”

“Hel with one L, not two.”  Sam pointed.  “Or Hela, in this translation.”

“Hela then.”  Dean paused. “Wait, wasn’t that the bad guy in that new Thor movie?”

“Well-”

“That settles it.  No.  If she scares Thor, then I don’t want to deal with it.  Wherever she’s holed up, she can stay there.”  He downed the rest of his coffee, made a face at the dregs, and got up.  “Come on.  We’ve got a werewolf to catch.”  Without letting Sam have time for another word, he left the kitchen, heading back towards his own room. 

“I have a cousin?”

Sam jumped at the voice.  Jack definitely shared that little trait with Castiel.  He glanced at the direction Dean had vanished in, and sighed.  He had no idea how long Jack had been listening, and lying would only upset him.  “We’re not sure,” he decided on, sitting down and pushing the book towards him.  “I had a dream about Gabriel- your uncle- and he told me to look for this goddess, who, according to the lore, is his oldest daughter.”

Jack pulled the book closer and studied it, his eyebrows creased together.  “Gabriel,” he said slowly.  “He was in the Bible.  He told Elizabeth and Mary that they were pregnant.  He is good.”  He glanced up at Sam, worried.  “Right?”

“Yeah.  Yeah, he was good.”  Sam decided that they didn’t need to get into the semantics of good when it involved the Trickster.  He’d come over to their side in the end; right now, that was what mattered. 

“Was?”  Jack caught the past tense, head tilting in that painfully familiar way. 

“Lucifer killed him.”  He decided not to sugar-coat it, just ripping off the metaphorical Band-Aid.  “Gabriel was stalling so we could save people.  He knew he was going to be killed.”  He paused, figuring somebody didn’t go through the work of filming a pornographic suicide note if they didn’t know they were going to die.  “He loved your father to the end, I think.  He attacked Lucifer, but now that I think about it, I don’t think he could have killed him, even if he had the ability to.”

Jack looked back down at the book, considering the information, filing it away in what he knew of the world.  ��But, he had children.  This goddess is my cousin.”  He touched the picture, running his finger down the sketch.  One side of her was a young lady, lovely if stern, while the other side was a garish image of rot and desiccation.  That didn’t seem to bother Jack, whose impression of the world was still fresh and new.   

It had, however, bothered Dean, who, when Sam had first set the book down, made a comment along the lines of, “this zombie freak your new girlfriend?”

“We don’t know that for sure yet,” Sam was quick to point out.  “Gabriel didn’t give me anymore information…”  Because he was too busy trying to bite my lips off, but Dean and Jack don’t need to know that and why the hell was he doing that anyways I’m not into him I’m straight straighter than Dean anyways like maybe we were friends at the end but only barely and… “and we don’t even know if she’s alive, or good or evil, or if she’s even his daughter.  Sometimes the lore gets mixed up over time, and things aren’t usually that accurate.”

Jack tilted his head.  “But it says here that she was.”

“Yeah, but that was written by humans.”  Sam settled in for a lecture on mythology, which could either go very smoothly or would throw Jack into a mental tailspin.  “A lot of the lore we have is based on old stories.  A long time ago, they were just told word of mouth.  Like… like I’m telling you right now.  And to keep people’s interests, storytellers would exaggerate.”

“Exaggerate.  A small lie.  To make it bigger than it really is.” 

Sam made a small agreeing gesture in his direction, not sure if Jack had read the dictionary or if Dean had covered that particular lesson.  Probably Dean, exaggerating away all the carbs he was drinking to hide the still-raw grief.  “So if every storyteller exaggerates the story a little bit, and then the inflated version gets written down…”

“It might be completely different from the truth?”  Jack looked up at Sam, hopeful, and Sam found himself smiling. 

“Yeah.  Exactly.”

Jack nodded and looked down at the picture again, considering it through this new lens.  “But Gabriel is my uncle.  That’s not exaggerated.  And he does know her, because he told you to find her in a dream.”  He looked up at Sam, hopeful.  “How hard would it be to find her?”

“Well, I don’t know, and Dean’s scared of her.  He doesn’t want us to find her and then it turn out that she’s the bad guy.”

“Why would my uncle be friends with a bad guy?”

Sam really did not want to get into the gray morals that seemed to permeate Gabriel’s pagan lifestyle, and thankfully, he was saved by Dean’s walking in.  “Case,” he said pointedly.  “Wolf clan.  New York.”  He looked over at the book, then pointed at the image.  “Bad guy,” he said to Jack, like that settled it.  “You guys ready to go?”

Jack nodded, hopping up, eager to please Dean.  “Yes.  I had my bag packed last night.  And I didn’t forget extra underwear and socks this time.”

Dean frowned.  “Extra?  You had extra last time.” 

Jack grinned, pleased.  “Yes, for myself.  But I packed for you both as well.  When you wear the same pair of socks every day, it gets-”

“We get it.”  Dean rolled his eyes and headed for the car. 

Sam, for lack of a better response, patted Jack on the shoulder.  “Thanks, bud.  What would we do without you?”

“Probably stink,” he said, dead serious, and followed Dean, a spring in his step at being useful to his guardians, like a puppy.  A wolf puppy, Sam reminded himself, one that was loyal, but could bite. 

A week previous

Fairpoint, New York, was a pleasant little tourist trap in the Adirondacks, somewhere beyond Old Forge.  A main road led visitors to a plethora of family owned motels and campgrounds, winding through little shops owned by kindly retired folk or kids in their twenties irritated at being forced to take over the family business.  A lake nearby allowed for swimming or sailing, though it was quiet now that the season was beginning to turn.  This time of year, the draw was the beautiful shades of red and yellow and gold that graced the ancient trees, and hiking trails winding through the surrounding mountains allowed tourists the opportunity ample opportunities to soak in the autumn aesthetic. 

The only issue was the werewolves.  Those townsfolk who had lived there for more than a generation knew about them- the clan out in the woods, who feasted on deer and moose and bear and avoided civilization like the plague.  That was the original purpose of the village, after all.  Keep the werewolves in the wilderness, away from the more human haunts.  For a long while, the wolves had been quiet, and only the occasional foray into town for medicine or booze by one of their runners told the old folk that they were still active. 

But that had all changed when a child turned up dead. 

He was not one of Fairpoint’s- he was branded by the mark of the wolves, a symbol like four claw marks slashing the shoulder, and he was thin and gaunt, buried in a shallow grave that was unearthed by the excessive rains.  It would have been ignored by the local cops, who, as a rule, kept only to Fairpoint business, except for the fact that it was a clear murder: his heart had been ripped from his chest cavity.  The organ was missing. 

It had to be a wolf, because no fox or coyote or bear would simply take the heart and run, and besides, attacks by wild predators were excessively rare, saved generally for foolhardy hunters (real hunters, with deer and stuff- they had no idea about Winchester-type hunters) who got between Mom-bear and cub.  The thinness was a problem as well- though many wild populations were thinning, white-tailed deer refused to stop breeding, and their population boom allowed not only food for ticks, but for the wolves as well.  Any children glimpsed traipsing through the woods were well-fed, bordering on chubby if not for all the running and playing they did, so a dead child whose ribs were clearly visible?

That was foul play, for sure. 

So, it was with a great deal of nerves that Sheriff Harry Baldwin found himself hiking through the woods, sweating despite the autumnal chill, cop car left behind at the deepest hunting cabin he could drive to.  His twelve-gauge was slung over his shoulder, heavy now that he had to hike with it, and shot shells clinked in the pockets of his jacket.  The gun was only for protection from bears though.  He didn’t fear the wolves.  His family had been there for ages, and he had the feeling there had been a bit of interbreeding- every time the full moon rolled around, he felt peckish for bloody burgers.  It was a craving he didn’t share with anybody, but a very real craving nonetheless, and he liked to imagine the wolf blood in him (even if it was imaginary) made him a better cop. 

There was a stitch in his side by the time he heard a howl that clearly came from a human throat and not a coyote, and he leaned against a tree, panting.  “Hey,” he called out to the trees, knowing one of the wolves was there, even if he couldn’t see them.  “It’s me. Sheriff Baldwin. I need to talk to Alpha Melissa."

A wolf warrior stepped out.  She was a pretty girl, curvy with big eyes and an easy smile, wearing a deerskin jacket over a Doctor Who t-shirt and skinny jeans.  “Officer Baldwin!  Hi!  If we knew you were coming, we would have sent a truck out for you.  What’s up?”  Before he had time to respond, she darted off, and then returned with a bottle of water that she offered out.

He took it gratefully, draining it in a few moments, and then wiped his mouth.  “I’m here on business, Charlotte.  I need to talk to Melissa.”

Charlotte nodded.  “Yeah, of course.  I’ll call a ride to town.  Seriously, next time you need to come out here, just call one of us.”

A few minutes later, Harry was on the back of an ATV, clinging desperately to the waist of Travis, another wolf warrior who was a few ranks higher than Charlotte.  Harry wasn’t exactly sure how the ranking worked here, as the wolves were an independent nation it seemed, yet still had access to ATVs and Poland Spring and, apparently, Doctor Who.  Harry never asked.  He figured, that was their business and his business was Fairpoint. 

The town itself blended into the surrounding forest, log cabins trailing wood smoke into the sky.  A group of barefoot kids were playing soccer in a clearing that served as the town square, laughing and occasionally snarling at each other with teeth too long and sharp for a normal child’s mouth.  Occasionally, there would be a splash of blood on the hard-packed earthen ground, but that only drew more laughter.  Several deer were hanging from a pole, blood dripping into buckets on the ground.  Their glassy eyes seemed to watch Harry as he dismounted the ATV, waiting for the warrior to lead him to the pack leader. 

“Wait here,” Travis said sharply, and disappeared into the largest of the cabins. 

Harry obeyed, but it was with a frown.  He had spoken to Melissa many times.  She was older, a calm leader, giving off the vibe of a Victorian era queen rather than a werewolf pack leader roughing it in the woods.  Never had she kept him waiting. When he became sheriff, she had arrived in Fairpoint for the ceremony herself, congratulating him personally, and after that they had struck up a professional relationship that seemed to border on more than friendly (or at least, so Harry hoped.  He may have had a teensy crush on the pack leader). 

But never before had he been commanded to wait for an audience.

One of the children was on the ground, crying. Somebody had yanked one of her pigtails too hard, and now a few of the boys were jeering at her.  Harry took a step closer to break it up, but then the smallest of the girls snarled as she intervened first, her face twisting, hackles raising, hands twisting and breaking into claws with an audible snapping of bones.  The boys raised a laugh at her as well, but then the beast-child leapt forward, throwing the biggest boy to the ground with a thump.  He tried to change as well, but she slashed him across the face, and he stayed down. 

Harry stood, frozen, watching as the smallest hopped off the largest and walked over to the bullied girl to pull her to her feet.  The boy on the ground sat up, the scratches on his face already healing, and snarled at her, but it was weak and small and ignored.  The girl was alpha, and both knew it.

“I’m goalie!” she declared, human again, sprinting towards the two sticks that comprised the goal.  With that, the fight was forgotten, and the game was back on.     

“Sheriff Baldwin?” 

Harry turned away from the kids to the familiar voice of Melissa, the pack leader.  Middle aged, with a few scars across her face suggesting old triumphs, she exuded the aura of a warrior, despite her torn jeans and sky-blue sweater.  Harry always felt a little subpar next to her, aware that maybe he should put in some time at the gym and maybe avoid the pastries Sally Parr, the town administrator, brought in every morning.  “Yeah.  What’s going on?”

She gave him a thin-lipped smile and gestured for him to come inside.  He followed, grateful to get off his aching feet. 

“Whiskey?” she asked once he had been seated in front of her desk, which was little more than a homemade table.

He waved it off.  “I’m on the clock.  I’m here to talk about a murder.  A child, about ten, was found a few miles outside of town by a hunter.  Poor kid was starving before he died.  Heart ripped out of the body.  Coroner hasn’t told us whether it was taken out before or after he passed.”

Melissa’s brow creased as she turned back to the desk, a small glass of whiskey in her own hands.  That was new.  Harry had never seen her touch a drop of alcohol in all the time that he knew her.  Although, granted, it was more phone conversations than anything else. 

“Shit,” she said, and all hope that she didn’t know about the murder flew from Harry’s mind.  He hoped they weren’t going dark.  He had no idea what they were supposed to do if the wolves went dark.  That was on him, but half of Fairpoint didn’t even know about the wolves, so how would they fight-

Melissa drained the whiskey like it was water.  “I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this,” she murmured, gazing at the golden drops clinging to the side of the empty glass.  “I prayed that it wouldn’t come to this.”

“Come to what?”  Harry leaned forward.  “Melissa, if any of your guys did this, you know I can’t protect you.  This whole settlement is already illegal.  If there’s murder too…”

She stood, slamming fingers that broke and twisted into claws into the wood of the table.  Splinters of wood flew to the floor.  “They are not my guys.  Not anymore.”

“Mel?”  He tested out the nickname cautiously.  “Something’s going on.  Tell me what’s going on so we can prevent anyone else from turning up dead.”

Now her teeth were elongating, and her voice dropped to a growl that resonated within Harry’s chest.  “A strange wolf came.  He corrupted some of our youth- now they wish to summon him.” 

“Him who?”  Harry sat back a little, trying to remain calm in the face of the half changed alpha in front of him.  “Mel, calm down, okay?  We’re friends here.  I want to help.”

She glared at him, normal cocoa-brown eyes now feral yellow, and then took a breath.  “Him,” she repeated, forcing her voice back to its normal register.  “The original Wolf.  Fenrir himself.”

[aristotleblinked]

The Black Book

@balloonarcade I have no idea how I let you talk me into these things, but here you go, chapter one of this terrible crackfic. Believe it or not, it actually has a plot.

Chapter 1

(AN: balloonarcade requested I give her all the lemons I got, so I am going to give her so many lemons she can open up her own lemonade stand, give the lemonade away for free, and still make a profit. If you’re a Catholic, I’ll put warnings up, so you can cover your eyes and scroll past those parts. That way God won’t be mad at you for looking at porn, and burn your house down.)

Drift had gotten his leg stuck in a trap, a bear trap! He tried to pry open the bars, but the trap wouldn't budge! He was stuck. He had only been in there for five minutes, and the Robot vultures were already circling. Those Robo-Bastards wanted to eat his circuits Drift thought furiously. He had to get out of there, before they got any closer!! He struggled to no avail. 

“Nooo!” Drifted cried because it hurt to have something biting your leg, even if it wasn't alive! “I can't die like this! I haven't found out the rest of the plot, and I haven't accomplished my dream, building a giant fort with a water park inside!”

Then gunshots flew near his head, coming so close it nearly kills him, but it only grazed him. “Watch where you're shooting! I am already nearly dead. You don't need to add to that.” Drift shouted madly, his camera orbs glaring at the baka who didn't know how to properly gunsafety!

The shooter was big and red. He was handsome, like Chris Pratt, but a metal guy.

He twirled his still smoking gun in his hand. He raised a superior eyebrow “You should look again. I don't think you'll be perishing anymore.” He said smugly. The mechette looked back at his leg, it was still in the trap, it still hurts, ow. He looked at the sky, the vultures were dead in a circle around him. “How did you shoot them by aiming so close to my head, if they were still in the sky?” Drifting asked confused.

The red stranger rubbed some dirt off his coat, it was space leather. “I'm just that good.” He sneered. “I can shoot anything, upside down, underwater, backwards! I never miss, that's why people call me Straight Shot.” (A/N: This is funny, because he's gay!!)

The gearette looked dubiously at him with his glowing orbs, he couldn’t shoot death, who was a mech named Mortilus here. Drift shook his head, that guy was crazy, but he was undeniably cool. Drift took out his own gun, and shot the trap off his leg. He didn't use it before, because his brother gave him that gun, before being murdered by the evil guy. It had sentimental value, and Robot Vultures eat misery, so they would have eaten his gun. Then he'd have to squeeze it out, and that'd be gross.

The red headed stranger looked at him in disgust. “That was my trap you blew off! I had a key. Now, how am I supposed to catch the evil guy?” He waved his gun around, sexily.

Drift was sullenly, mad. He bet this guy never had to worry about people trying to eat his gun. Drift knew he was only mad, because the red hottie was right, but that only made him madder. He pointed to his holy leg. “Well you can't have liked it that much, if you were just leaving it around! I stepped in it, and now my blood is getting everywhere, It's even on you!!”

The redette really did have it on his hands, he has been caught pink handed.  He snarled back furious “Well, you can't have liked your blood that much if you were just leaving it laying around, like that.” He stormed off behind the big rocks, not the little ones.

Drift wanted to punch him in his stupid, beautiful face, but he was after the evil guy too, that means they had to work together.

Drift had to plug these holes before he got too tired to move. He got out some Hello Kitty band aids and put them on the wounds. He has a lot of them, so he managed to cover them all. The Hello Kitty ones were his favorite (A/N: They are mine too!) He was fine now, and he ran to catch up to the stranger.

Drift ran really, really fast and ran past him, because he was running so fast, so he had to run in reverse for a while until he saw him again. The mystery mech groaned when he saw Drift “What my trap wasn't enough for you? Do you want to shoot my gun too?” He yelled. He clutched his gun against his chest protectively.  Wow, he really cares about his guns, like me. We have so much in common. The Drivette sighed “Look I am sorry, I should have waited, but I was scared of the vultures!”

His amazing face twisted in confusion “The dead vultures?”

The machinette spread his arms wide. “Never mind that look around you! Another day the evil guy is free is another day that our planet is dying! I don't want to move!!!”

The Planet was really dying, it was opening holes under people's feet, so they fell in and got lost, because nobody has made maps of the inside of the world!

The gunmech snorted in silent contempt. “Everyone knows that! I lost my other, other, other, big gun in a huge hole yesterday! Someone should fill them up.”

Drifty wiggled “You get it right! The evil guy is making the holes, so we gotta stop him, before we lose someone important like the president. Let's work together to defeat him.”

The hotmech screamed “No! I will stop him myself! I will, because he killed my brother. I'll get him first, because my reasons are better than yours!!!”

Drift screamed back, but louder “He killed my brother too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

This was so sad the animals stopped making noise, because two dead brothers is a lot. The lone red mech looked surprised, but swiveled and said “That evil guy is really bad! We gotta stop him before he kills everyone's brothers!” He put his gun up, so Drift took his out and they tapped them, just the tip, like at the fancy parties with the toasts, but cooler!

“My name is Sideswipe.”

“Mine's Drift!”

This music starts playing the background.

~~`~`~` ~~`~`~` ~~`~`~` ~~`~`~` The end ~~`~`~` ~~`~`~` ~~`~`~` ~~`~`~` ~~`~`

                                                  For Now!!!!

(A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed it. Please R&R. I have already started chapter 2, so I might be able to post it really soon. Sorry there weren’t any lemons yet balloon, but relationships take time!

I made a relationship poll! It’s right here on my blog, but if you’re reading this you can see the poll! So you guys can can vote on who you think Drift should end up with! It was really hard to give you guys options without spoiling you, but I think I nailed it! You can submit a vote everyday, so if there is anyone you really want to see, you can tip the scales in your favor.

I can’t guarantee he’ll end up with any of them, but I’ll think about it, before I do what I want.)

chapter 2

[juicy-cookie]

Through The Valley - Chapter 15

AO3 Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10075958/chapters/27481920

Tags: @rickdixonandthefandomlifeposts @embracetheapocalypsewithme @kinkozan @lupienne @theblack-wolf @lovingzombiechaos @dragonracer @miiraal

Pairing: Negan X OFC

Chapter Summary: Conversations with annoying people

Chapter Warnings: Angst, Little Bit of Smut

Word Count: 4000

“You’re back.”

“Didn’t really have a choice.”

“How is she?”

“What do you think?”

Negan looked up at the blonde man standing in front of his desk. Despite his short stature, Jax towered over Negan. His jaw was set in a hard line, one hand clenched into a fist, the other holding his motorcycle helmet, his eyes full of rage. He probably contemplated punching Negan in the face. Negan probably would have let him.

All he had received from the Saviors since banishing Lilly were hateful looks in hallways. That is, if you didn’t count his lieutenants’ outrage during the first meeting without her. Negan was itching for a fight. Although whether to blow off some steam, or because deep down, he knew that he deserved to be punished, he did not know.

Negan glared at Jax, unwilling to take the bait. If he had to throw some punches, he would at least try not to be the instigator. After a couple of moments, Jax deflated and sat down in the chair opposite of Negan, sighing.

“She’s miserable. Though she tries to hide it, of course. But she’s barely eating, doesn’t get any sleep. The others at the outpost are giving her a hard time.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just stupid comments, she says. Though I’m afraid she was just trying to play it down. I didn’t hear anything while I was there, but I saw the way they looked at her. They’re assholes and cowards. Kept their mouths shut when I was around.”

“Can’t be that fucking bad then.” Jax glowered at Negan. “I’ll tell Andrei to check up on her whenever he visits. So she kicked your stupid ass back to Sanctuary? How the fuck did you slip past the guards?”

Negan had ordered people to keep an eye on Jax. He knew that he would try to follow Lilly.

“Wouldn’t you like to know…?” Jax sneered.

“Fuck you, Jax! You wanna keep living here, you play by the rules.”

“No, fuck you and your stupid fucking rules, Negan!” Jax jumped up again, throwing his helmet and backpack on the chair and started pacing. Negan leaned back in his office chair and watched him wearily. This one he definitely deserved, although he would never admit it.

“It’s been almost three weeks. How long are you going to keep pretending that you made the right decision?”

“She broke the fucking rules.”

“She was just defending herself from a crazy bitch who tried to cut off her face.”

“It’s her word against Valerie’s.”

“Oh yeah? Then why did you send Valerie to an outpost, too, if you believe her?”

Negan pinched his nose and sighed. “I’m not going to justify my fucking decisions to you. Now calm the fuck down before I throw your ass out and make sure you never see Lilly nor Connor ever again. He’s the reason she told you to come back, wasn’t he?”

Jax’s eyes widened before letting out a humorless laugh. “You two can just read each other’s minds, can’t you? God…” He shook his head. “I hope you sleep well at night, knowing that you threw the woman you love to the wolves. At least you’ve got those bitches who planned the whole thing to keep you warm…”

“Get the fuck out.”

Jax grabbed his things and opened the door. Connor was waiting for him on the other side, looking concerned.

“Oh, and Jax…” Negan called after him and he turned around again. “Two weeks of fence duty.”

Jax opened his mouth, no doubt to tell Negan exactly where he could shove his fence duty, but Connor grabbed his arm and all but dragged him out of Negan’s office, before shutting the door behind them. Apparently, there were at least some people left who knew not to poke the bear with the baseball bat.  

“Motherfucking fuck fuckety fuck!”

Negan closed his eyes and rubbed one hand over his face.

How did this all happen? How did it come to this? Him hiding in his office or his room all day, drinking way too much, snarling at everyone who dared to talk to him. His wives plotting to get rid of one of his lieutenants, because, oh he knew that Sherry had been behind it. He was still trying to figure out what to do with her.

So far he had opted for ordering them all to stay in their rooms one level underneath the penthouse. Sherry had tried to approach him a couple of times, but had backed off in fear after he had barked at her to get the fuck out of his sight.

Laura had all but tried to rip his head off when he had told the others that Lilly was gone. Seth had just shaken his head in defeat. When Dwight had opened his mouth, too, he had threatened them all with the same fate as Lilly’s and it had been nothing but scowls and one-worded answers since then.

And now some little shithead came into his office, telling him what to do and how to feel and it took him all of his mental strength not to make some additions to the fence, or to just empty the bottle of whiskey sitting in his drawer until he could slip away into blissful nothingness.

No more worries. No more doubts. No more people questioning his every move.

No more fucking feelings.

He had hoped that with her gone, things would go back to normal. But try as he might, Lilly would not stop invading his mind. It had been the same when Lucille had died. The difference was that Lilly was not dead. He could hop into a car right now and drive over to the outpost to see her, to tell her that he was sorry and to please come home.

He wanted her home so bad.

Negan stood up with a frustrated grunt and started pacing.

He just needed more time. Time heals all wounds, is what they say, right? He walked back over to his desk where Lucille was sitting on top of some ledgers and papers. He stroked over her smooth handle until he reached the first coil of barbed wire.

A sense of dread washed over him. Time hadn’t healed the gaping hole in his heart that Lucille had left. He had merely managed to slap some band aids over it, by keeping busy with leading the Saviors and the whole surviving the end of the world thing.

And by fucking a bunch of women.

Distraction. That’s what he needed. He walked around his desk and opened one of the drawers, took a bracing swig of whiskey, grabbed Lucille and took off to the stairs leading up the Tower. On the floor underneath the penthouse, he stopped to catch his breath for a moment before heading to the room with the open door at the end of the corridor. The wives usually spent their time together at Sherry’s place nowadays and he could hear their voices echoing through the Tower.

With Lucille resting on his shoulder, Negan summoned his widest grin and swaggered into the room.

“Ladies…”

“Negan!” Sherry jumped up from her bed like a child that had been caught doing something naughty. “Are you alright? Do you need something?”

Her fake smile and even faker concern sparked Negan’s rage anew, but he ignored her, knowing it to be one of the most effective punishments for her, short of laying hands on Dwight.

“Tara, Becky… how about you two join me upstairs for a game of hide the salami? The salami being my dick.”

The two girls giggled and got up dutifully. Sherry looked like she wanted to say something, but one look from Negan made her shut up and sit back down with Amber.

Negan made his way upstairs with his entourage. He plopped down on one of the sofas in the penthouse’s anteroom and laid Lucille next to him, very much aware that the usual excitement he felt when he was about to have sex was distinctly absent. He tried to concentrate on the two beautiful women positioning themselves on the floor in front of him.

“How do you want us, Negan?” Tara cooed while roaming her hands over Becky’s neck and shoulders. The two lovers knew each other inside and out and would only ever let Negan play with both of them, never with one alone.

Usually, the question alone would make Negan rock hard and eager, but today it seemed like his dick needed a little more persuasion.

“Just play with each other for a while. I’ll join in later.” He winked at them and after another round of giggles, they started kissing each other passionately. Tara’s hand in Becky’s hair, Becky’s arm sliding around Tara’s waist to grab her ass, the remaining limbs exploring every inch of the other’s skin, Negan hardly knew where one girl started and the other ended.

He finally started to feel the familiar swelling building in his pants, albeit slower than usual. Where his arousal normally felt like a rush of excitement in his belly and groin, this time it was a dull smolder, like embers that had already burned down and were now grasping for every atom of oxygen to ignite themselves again.

Becky and Tara slowly took off each other’s clothes. The wives had started to dress more conservatively lately, sporting jeans and t-shirts instead of corsets and fishnet stockings. Negan didn’t mind. It wasn’t like he had touched any of them since the incident with Valerie and Lilly.

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force the image of Lilly’s blood-covered face out of his mind. When he opened them again, Becky had taken one of Tara’s nipples into her mouth. Negan grinned to himself.

“Yeah baby, suck those titties!”

He shifted a little on the sofa to better accommodate his growing erection. One of his hands wandered down to rub himself through his pants. Tara noticed and looked hungrily at him. She moved her hand that wasn’t buried in Becky’s hair towards his thigh and up to help him. Becky’s hand followed. Negan closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of their fingers stroking all over his lap. One of them opened his belt and pants. With one less layer of clothing between their hands and his cock, the feeling of them rubbing and caressing him got better by the second. Negan moaned and grabbed one of the girl’s hands to guide her to more sensitive places, applying more pressure. He was yet to become fully hard, but he was slowly getting there. So many hands. He sure hoped that Lilly’s hand was recovering well from that nasty cut. There had been so much blood.

“Fuck!” His eyes sprang open. The girls had been busy kissing each other again and came unglued with a soft ‘pop!’. Tara grinned at him, obviously thinking that the expletive had been caused by a particularly pleasurable squeeze of hers.

She moved her fingers to the waistband of his boxer shorts and tugged to free his dick. They both leaned towards him eagerly, all the while stroking and squeezing the other’s breasts. Negan tried to focus. He was about to get his dick sucked by two beautiful women, for fuck’s sake.

Becky looked up at him, pouting. “Hmm… looks like Little Negan is still not quite in the mood.”

“Just keep going girls. Little Negan is currently a little fucking preoccupied, but he’ll be joining us shortly.”

They giggled and returned their attention to his lap, adding lips and tongues to palms and fingers. Negan sighed. Their sucking and licking felt so goddamn good. Then why did his dick still flop around like a half-deflated balloon animal? His eyes fell on Lucille. He grabbed her handle and tried to lose himself in the sensation of her smooth wooden skin, stroking up and down and back up to her barbed wire. His thumb ghosted over one of her spikes. Panting slightly, he pressed down. The pain was both sharp and yet dull. He would need to replace the wire soon, before she lost her edge completely.

“Negan, please! Don’t do that!” Becky hated when he gave Lucille attention during sex.

He let go of his bat and leaned back against the headrest. The girls tried their best to regain his attention.

Negan, please, don’t do that to me.

He focused on Tara and Becky. They kissed each other again.

No!

He clenched his eyes shut. The girls were licking, sucking…

Please Negan! This is my home.

“God fucking dammit!” Negan jumped up and stalked over to one of the windows, tucking himself away. He put his palms on the cool panes before bowing his head.

“Negan…?”

“You can go! I’m sorry ladies. Looks like Little Negan is other-fucking-wise engaged.”

He heard rustling behind him, then footsteps muffled by soft carpet. A door opened and closed and he was alone.

Negan decided to go for the alternative.

Twenty minutes later, the previously half-full bottle on the coffee table in his room was missing another third and Negan leaned back in his cozy armchair, trying to relax. His head and eyes felt much heavier than before. The tingly feeling of the alcohol chasing through his veins effectively overwrote his memories of Lilly and the implications of why she had managed to cockblock him from forty miles away.

He had almost dozed off when a knock came from the door. Negan grimaced. Probably Sherry ready to bust his balls. He was in no state to deal with her right now and decided to keep quiet. Her impatience would hopefully take her back downstairs.

A second knock came, this time accompanied by a male voice asking if he was there. Carson.

“Yeah, come in.” The large door opened and his assistant stepped in, nervously adjusting his glasses. “What is it this time?”

“Sorry to disturb you, Sir. Andrei came in an hour ago. He’s about to leave for the northern outpost, but he wanted instructions on how to deal with the Hilltop. Their tribute was light again.”

Negan sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. A little voice in his head told him that he probably shouldn’t do any serious leading right now. He told the voice to shut the fuck up. Andrei was about to leave for the northern outpost. Where she was. He should just get up and go there with Andrei. Tell her to come home.

“Sir…?”

She would probably kick his ass right back to the Sanctuary. Stubborn bi… no. She hates when people use the word ‘bitch’. He would have to go on his fucking knees and tell her he’s sorry. That he needed her. That he lov…

“Sir!”

“What?” Negan blinked at Carson.

“What do you want me to tell Andrei?”

“Uhm…” Negan tried to gather his thoughts. He shook his head a little to chase away the ridiculous ideas that had invaded his mind. “Tell him to make abso-fucking-lutely sure that everything is in order at the northern outpost. And I mean everything.”

“Oh… okay. I’ll tell him. But what about the situation with the Hilltop?”

Negan waved one hand dismissively and took his glass with the other. “Tell our guys in the west to take care of it. I can’t be every-fucking-where. If they can’t deal with this shit on their own then they’re fucking useless to me.”

Carson nodded and backed out of the room, closing the door behind him. Negan downed the glass and poured himself another for good measure. After emptying this one, too, he leaned back in his armchair again. Where had all this shit in his mind come from? He closed his eyes, hoping that he wasn’t going insane. His head started to spin. Maybe the time had finally come and he was going batshit crazy. His head felt so heavy. He thought that it had taken him long enough, after everything he had gone through. His head dropped to one side and everything went blissfully dark.

When Negan woke up again, it was already dark outside. He congratulated himself on still being in his room and not at a Country Club fifteen miles north of D.C. to chase some elusive pussy. His self-praise soon turned into self-pity when a headache from hell struck his brain like a nail-studded hammer.

“Fuck…” He rubbed his temples and looked around for a bottle of water.

His door swung open with a force that seemed impossible for the petite woman standing on the other side. Sherry stomped over to where Negan was sitting by the window and sat down in the armchair opposite of him.

“You haven’t talked to me in weeks, Negan.”

“Shit, I wonder why…” he mumbled, but Sherry didn’t seem to hear him.

“This is getting ridiculous, Negan. You won’t even look at me. I’m your wife, remember? Your first.”

“You’re not my fucking first and neither will you be my fucking last.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Now will you finally talk to me and tell me what the fuck is going on?” She looked at him expectantly, her body rigid, her eyes determined. Negan clenched his jaw, mentally preparing himself for the fact that he could not delay this conversation any longer.

“You wanna talk? Okay, let’s fucking talk….” He stood and started pacing.

“Good. First of all, when are you going to bring Valerie back? She didn’t do anything. It was an accident.”

Negan laughed mirthlessly. “You really wanna go there? Okay. It’s your fucking funeral, Sherry. I know what really happened. I know it was you who set Valerie up to this. I know you plotted with her to hurt Lilly, either to incapacitate her, or to make her defend herself against Val, knowing that she would get punished. Of course you only told Valerie about the former. Otherwise she never would have agreed to be a fucking pawn in your little scheme.”

“I didn’t…”

“Don’t fucking lie to me!” he snarled. “I know you better than anyone else, Sherry Baby, including your fucking husband. You know, the real one? The one you actually exchanged fucking vows with. I bet it was some generic fucking Corinthians shit that you chose without his fucking input.” Sherry’s eyes grew wide. Negan chuckled. “Whoops. Hit a fucking mark there, didn’t I?

“Any-fucking-way. I tried to ignore you. I really fucking did. I hoped that by sending Valerie to the outpost, you’d get the fucking message. But you just had to keep fucking pushing me. So since you have to have everything spelled out for you, let me indulge you one last fucking time.

“It’s over. I won’t ever fucking touch you again. Which is technically a fucking blessing for you since you got bored with my dick about three months into this fucked up arrangement. I thought about you finally getting intimate with Lucille. That would be fucking poetic. Since you’ve always fucking hated the very sight of her. Then I considered banishing you, together with Val. But I’d rather keep an eye on you. Plus, and I do acknowledge your cunning here, you left me with no proof of your involvement.

“So, as not to make my people question my fucking decisions any further… you’ll stay. You can keep your room and anything you acquired during your time as a wife. You’ll still get your meals for free. But that’s it. No more fucking privileges. No more playing Queen B of Sanctuary. You want more? Get a fucking job.”

“No Negan, please…”

“Okay, it seems like I still haven’t made myself perfectly fucking clear. This is not up for discussion. You can either take it and keep your head down, or I’m gonna put Dwight on fence duty. Permanently. As in, he’ll become part of the fucking fence. And then, if that still doesn’t get my point across, you’ll be next. Sherry Baby and Tighty Dwighty, finally reu-fucking-nited in death. Isn’t that the most romantic fucking shit you’ve ever heard?”

“Please don’t hurt him, Negan!” She was crying now. In the past, he would have softened right up. But those times were over.

“I won’t if you play really fucking nice from now on. Despite Dwight being an asshole most of the time, he’s still a valuable member of this community. So I’d hate to tie his ugly mug to the fence. But I will do it if you don’t shut the fuck up and stay out of my fucking way from now on. Do you understand, Sherry?”

“Yes,” she whispered between sobs. Negan put his hand behind his ear and leaned towards her.

“What was that? I didn’t catch that?”

“Yes, Negan,” she answered, louder this time and with hatred shining through her tears. “What about the other girls?”

“They’re none of your fucking business anymore. Maybe I’ll keep them around for representative reasons…” Negan shrugged. He hadn’t really thought about Amber, Becky and Tara yet. His dick was obviously done with them. They’d probably be happy if he told them that he didn’t need their services anymore. “Now go gather any shit you still have up here and then get the fuck out. The penthouse is out of bounds for you from now on. And do us both a fucking favor and keep the fuck away from me. You need anything, go see Carson.”

Sherry gave another shaky sob and hugged herself. When Negan did not react to her last attempt at pulling at his heartstrings, she got up and finally left.

Negan felt nothing but relief for a moment. Then, a nagging little voice -which sounded suspiciously like Sherry- brought up his fear of losing the respect of his men. He grabbed Lucille from her place on the drawer and swung her viciously through the air. He had had enough of those doubts creeping through his mind. He was the biggest, baddest motherfucker around here. He was the leader of the Saviors. If he felt like changing the rules, he would do it and fuck anyone who dared to question him.

He took another swing, this time hitting the bottle of whiskey on the coffee table. The room became filled with a peaty scent. The ground was now covered in shards and his girl was dripping wet. Negan grinned.

It was time to bring back his other girl.

Tomorrow morning, he would take a car and drive up to the northern outpost. Maybe he would even take Jax with him for support. To convince her to come home.

He brought out towels, oil and a fresh coil of barbed wire and got busy cleaning and redressing Lucille. He wanted her to look her best in the morning. A long bath and careful shave was due for himself before he would depart for the outpost. And his room had to be cleaned. Carson could take care of that.

With a newfound sense of determination and hope, he prepared for bed and, despite his excitement, sleep came easily to him for the first time in weeks.

He woke up with a start to an overload of senses. The stink of whiskey. The feeling of not having gotten enough sleep. The realization that it was still dark outside. And the sound of frantic knocking on the other side of his door, followed by Carson’s voice.

Negan ran a hand through his hair, switched on the camping lantern on his bedside table and forced himself to get out of bed and into his clothes and boots. He opened the door and squinted at Carson, who looked close to throwing up.

“What in the everloving fuck, Carson?”

“Sir… I’m so sorry. It’s an emergency. Andrei is back…”

“Why in the name of Mary Magdalene’s holy titties are you waking me up for Andrei?”

“Sir, he brought Lilly. She’s hurt…”

Negan flew out of the room and down the stairs, without even registering Carson yelling after him.

[ts1989fanatic]

All 115 of Taylor Swift's Songs, Ranked

From teenage country tracks to synth-pop anthems and little-known covers, a comprehensive assessment and celebration of Swift's one-of-a-kind songbook

Taylor Swift the celebrity is such a magnet for attention, she can distract from Taylor Swift the artist. But Swift was a songwriter before she was a star, and she'll be a songwriter long after she graduates from that racket. It's in her music where she's made her mark on history – as a performer, record-crafter, guitar hero and all-around pop mastermind, with songs that can leave you breathless, or with a nasty scar. She was soaring on the level of the all-time greats before she was old enough to rent a car, with the crafty guile of a Carole King and the reckless heart of a Paul Westerberg – and she hasn't exactly slowed down since then.

So with all due respect to Taylor the myth, the icon, the red-carpet tabloid staple, let's celebrate the realTaylor – the songwriter she was born to be. Let's break it down: all 115 tunes, counted from the bottom to the top. The hits, the flops, the deep cuts, the covers, from her raw 2006 debut as a teen country ingénue to "...Ready for It?" – her latest offering. Every fan would compile a different list – that's the beauty of it. But they're not ranked by popularity, sales or supposed celebrity quotient – just the level of Taylor genius on display, from the perspective of a fan who generally does not give a rat's nads who the songs are "really" about. All that matters is whether they're about you and me. (I guarantee you are a more fascinating human than the Twilight guy, though I'm probably not.)

Sister Tay may be the last true rock star on the planet, making brilliant moves (or catastrophic gaffes, because that's what rock stars do). These are the songs that sum up her wit, her empathy, her flair for emotional excess, her girls-to-the-front bravado, her urge to ransack every corner of pop history, her determination to turn any chorus into a ridiculous spectacle. So let's step back from the image and pay homage to her one-of-a-kind songbook – because the weirdest and most fascinating thing about Taylor Swift will always be her music.

115. "Bad Blood" (2014)

Melodically parched, lyrically unfinished, rhythmically clunky – this was a mighty strange pick for a single from an album as loaded as 1989. There are a million things Taylor has in common with Paul McCartney – one is that celebrity grievances tend to sound like a penny-ante waste of their time, even when they're totally understandable (unless you're a fan of Macca's "Dear Boy," where John Lennon is his Katy Perry). The single remix is improved by Kendrick Lamar – but he wasn't saving his A-game for this one.

Best line: "Band-Aids don't fix bullet holes."

114. "Santa Baby" (2007)

Yes, she made a Christmas album, which is full of contenders for the basement of this list. But an oldie about a gold digger wooing Little Saint Nick was perhaps a dubious pick for a singer still in her teens.

Best line: "I've been an awful good girl."

113. "A Place in This World" (2006)

Apprentice work from the debut, when she was still learning the ropes as a country songwriter. Yet, the seeds of greatness are already there. Historical significance: This was the song where Tay discovered rain imagery, which in her hands was the equivalent of Sir Isaac Newton inventing calculus.

Best line: "I'll be strong/I'll be wrong/But life goes on."

112. "Christmas Must Be Something More" (2007)

A hymn about how Jesus is the reason for the season, with the hook, "So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives." Unlike most boys Swift sings about, Jesus didn't comment publicly.

Best line: "What would happen if God never let it snow?"

111. "I'm Only Me When I'm With You" (2006)

Could there be a less Swiftian sentiment? For better or worse, this girl is always herself. That's kinda the point.

Best line: "I'm only up when you're not down/Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground."

110. "Two Is Better Than One" With Boys Like Girls (2009)

A long, long, very long duet with former Good Charlotte and Fall Out Boy tourmates Boys Like Girls, who are either from London or Nashville (they seem to switch accents at random).

Best line: "You already got me coming…undone."

109. "Out of the Woods" (2014)

Taylor loves to sing about boyfriends who are terrible drivers, but this guy takes the prize – he crashes her snowmobile and gets 20 stitches in the hospital. Call a cab, girl.

Best line: "Two paper airplanes flying, flying, flying."

108. "Silent Night" (2007)

This bizarre version manages to miss almost every single note in the melody. They sure were in a rush to get this Christmas album out.

Best line: "Shepherds quake at the sight."

107. "Both of Us" With B.o.B (2012)

Nice try at remaking "Airplanes," but that Hayley Williams lightning does not strike twice.

Best line: "Your money's all gone, and you lose your whip."

106. "The Last Time" With Gary Lightbody (2012)

Her duet with the guy from Snow Patrol. Unfortunately, their voices don't mesh at all – what, is he auditioning for a Spandau Ballet tribute band? The funny moment is the très Eighties synth-horn blurp at the three-minute mark.

Best line: "This is the last time I'm asking you this/Put my name at the top of your list."

105. "The Outside" (2006)

Still a rookie, still learning, still trying to get away with "read between the lines" and "the road less traveled by" in the same verse.

Best line: "Nothing ever works the first few times/Am I right?"

104. "Girl at Home" (2012)

A perfunctory cheating-is-bad homily, with barely any chorus.

Best line: "I feel a responsibility/To do what's upstanding and right."

103. "Come in With the Rain" (2008)

She leaves her window open overnight, just in case her ex falls out of a cloud. There's a great "oooh" in the second chorus – one of those moments you can tell she's an Oasis fan. (This song makes you suspect "Don't Look Back In Anger" is a fave.)

Best line: "I could stand up and write you a song/But I don't wanna have to go that far."

102. "Half of My Heart" With John Mayer (2009)

The real prize from his Battle Studies album is "Heartbreak Warfare"; this is lesser J.M., with an underexploited T.S. cameo and an increasingly irritating premise of hearts having fingers, which they don't. No wonder the girl in the dress cried the whole way home.

Best line: "Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation."

101. "The Other Side of the Door" (2008)

Again with the slamming doors. Tay Tay – even the great songwriters can get away with exactly one slamming door per career. And just to be on the safe side, she throws in pouring rain, photo albums, a little black dress (which rhymes with "mess" and "confess"), a guy throwing pebbles at her window….In other words, this would be the ultimate Swift song – except there are a hundred better ones.

Best line: "Me and my stupid pride, sitting here alone/Going through the photographs, staring at the phone."

100. "Superman" (2010)

A Lois Lane fantasy, left off Speak Now for good reason.

Best line: "Tall dark and beautiful/He's complicated, he's so irrational."

99. "Cold as You" (2006)

"I start a fight because I need to feel something" – give her credit for honesty, even in this raw phase.

Best line: "Oh, every smile you fake is so condescending."

98. "If This Was a Movie" (2010)

"Good evening, sir. May I help you? You're a guy in a Taylor Swift song who wants to stand outside the window in the pouring rain, begging the love of your life to forgive your sorry ass? Take a number and get in line. No, that line."

Best line: "But I take it all back now!"

97. "Sweeter Than Fiction" (2013)

A warm-up for the synth-pop of 1989, from the One Chancesoundtrack.

Best line: "What a sight when the light came on."

96. "A Perfectly Good Heart" (2006)

"It's not unbroken anymore"? Paging the eminent cardiologist Dr. Toni Braxton.

Best line: "Why would you wanna make the very first scar?/Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?"

95. "White Christmas" (2007)

Unlike "Silent Night," this was a yuletide carol she could handle, with a straight-down-the-middle country rendition.

Best line: "Where the treetops glisten."

94. "Never Grow Up" (2010)

A folksy fingerpicking change of pace on Speak Now, pining for childhood innocence – though it feels more like a leftover from the debut.

Best line: "You're mortified your mom's dropping you off."

93. "I Don’t Wanna Live Forever" With Zayn Malik (2016)

Neither she nor Zayn sound deeply interested in this dueling-falsettos battle from the Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack. Maybe it works in the movie, but who wants to go find out? Really, they sound like two ghosts standing in the place of…sorry, sore subject, let's drop it.

Best line: "I've been feeling sad in all the nicest places."

92. "You Are in Love" (2014)

One of her through-the-years romances, this one featuring a snow globe.

Best line: "For once you let go of your fears and your ghosts."

91. "Mary's Song (Oh My My)" (2006)

Another through-the-years romance, but with a sweet homespun touch.

Best line: "I'll be 87, you'll be 89/I'll still look at you like the stars that shine in the sky."

90. "Highway Don't Care" With Tim McGraw and Keith Urban (2013)

A duet from McGraw's album Two Lanes of Freedom, with a guitar solo from Keith Urban. The plot: His ex is driving away, listening to a Taylor song on the radio, as Tay tries to coax the woman into turning the car around and going home. Perhaps McGraw's finest duet since his great lost Nelly jam, "Over & Over."

Best line: "I bet you're bending God's ear talking 'bout me."

89. "Change" (2008)

Oh, the fall of 2008 – Chuck and Blair were still an item, Suede was killing it on Project Runway, and "Change" was a de facto victory song for Obama, complete with a thumbs-up for "the revolution." Yeah, those were different times.

Best line: "These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down."

88. "Nashville" (2010)

A cover of an obscurity by country singer David Mead, tucked away as a bonus on the Target edition of the Speak Now Tour Live DVD.

Best line: "Was that a blood or wine stain on your wedding dress?"

87. "The Sweet Escape" (2010)

From the same live DVD, a remake of the Gwen Stefani solo hit. Taylor's vocal sure fits the Gwen just-a-girl sensibility.

Best line: "I must apologize for acting stank."

86. "Look What You Made Me Do" (2017)

The reason fans once cared about rap beefs: They inspired great songs, whether it was Queens vs. the Bronx ("The Bridge" vs. "The Bridge Is Over" vs. "Have a Nice Day") or LL Cool J vs. Kool Moe Dee ("How Ya Like Me Now" vs. "Jack the Ripper" vs. "Let's Go" vs. "To Da Break of Dawn"). But this just sounds like a trivial time-waster by her standards – Swift's celebrity feuds are not really one of the hundred most interesting things about her. The main attraction here is the retro Panic! at the Disco vibe. Here's hoping it gets outshined by the rest of Reputation, the way "Shake It Off" was instantly eclipsed by the rest of 1989.

Best line: "It's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality." Oh wait – that actually is Panic! at the Disco.

85. "Stay Beautiful" (2006)

An early stab at a take-the-high-road breakup song.

Best line: "He whispers songs into my window."

84. "I Want You Back" (2010)

A live acoustic tribute to the then-recently departed Michael Jackson, with a bit of Motown tremble in her voice.

Best line: "Now it's much too late for me to take a second look."

83. "The Way I Loved You" (2008)

She meets a low-stress boy who doesn't want love to be torture. Alas, this suitor is toast, because he reminds her how much she misses the manic pixie drama vampire she dated before. Sorry, dude – she loves the players, and she loves the game.

Best line: "He respects my space/And never makes me wait."

82. "Thug Story" With T-Pain (2009)

The classic T-Pain and Taylor duet from the 2009 CMT Awards, still T-Swizzle's finest rap performance.

Best line: "No, I never really been in a club/Still live with my parents, but I'm still a thug/I'm so gangsta you can find me baking cookies at night/You out clubbing, but I just made caramel delight."

81. "I Wish You Would" (2014)

One of her many, many songs set at 2 a.m. – clearly the most inspiring hour on Swift Standard Time – with a staccato disco guitar lick.

Best line: "We were a crooked love in a straight line down."

80. "Umbrella" (2008)

The Rihanna hit, briefly covered on the Live in SoHo digital album. Her finest Ri tribute remains her 2011 version of "Live Your Life" with T.I. onstage in Atlanta – sadly unreleased, but a duet that deserves to be enshrined for the ages.

Best line: "Stand under my umbrella, ella, ella."

79. "I Heart ?" (2008)

The trad country sound she soon left behind, from her Beautiful EyesEP.

Best line: "Wake up, and smell the breakup/Fix my heart, put on my makeup."

78. "Breathe" (With Colbie Caillat) (2008)

A gorgeous duet full of low-key nuances – her humming after the first verse, that "sorry, sorry, sorry" fade, the way Colbie's voice lifts hers.

Best line: "It's tragedy, and it'll only bring you down."

77. "The Moment I Knew" (2012)

A somber piano ballad about getting stood up on your 21st birthday.

Best line: "There in the bathroom/I try not to fall apart."

76. "Untouchable" (2008)

A rare case where she retools somebody else's song on one of her proper albums – the all-but-unknown Y2K-era rock band Luna Halo, who went on to open for Hoobastank. Her Fearless version sounds practically nothing like their original (though both name-check .38 Special's Eighties classic "Caught Up in You"). In fact, it's tough to fathom how she heard the original as raw material she could use – now that's ears.

Best line: "In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream/It's like a million little stars spelling out your name."

75. "Pour Some Sugar On Me" With Def Leppard (2008)

She makes a daring leap into the hair-metal mom market by teaming up with Def Leppard on CMT Crossroads, a move that works almost frighteningly well. Peak glam, especially when she asks the gender-torching question, "Demolition woman, can I be your man?"

Best line: "Do you take sugar? One lump or two?"

74. "Christmases When You Were Mine" (2007)

Taylor writes her own ace lovelorn holiday standard, ambushing her ex with one of those squirm-packed Merry-Christmas phone calls. Awkward question: "When you were putting up the lights this year/Did you notice one less pair of hands?" Eat your heart out, Mariah.

Best line: "I bet you got your mom another sweater."

73. "American Girl" (2009)

A bang-up claim on the Tom Petty classic – she used his original as her live entrance music for a while. Then she switched to Lenny Kravitz's "American Woman."

Best line: "Oh yeah! All right!"

72. "Invisible" (2006)

A teen ditty about a boy who doesn't realize she's alive, from pretty much the last moment in history that was possible. Clever pop-obsessive touch: The final steel-guitar twang echoes Elton John's "Rocket Man." If you think that's an accident…this is Planet Tay. There are no accidents.

Best line: "We could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable, instead of just invisible."

71. "Jump Then Fall" (2008)

Ironclad rule of pop music: Songs about jumping are never a bad idea. Dig that "listens to Sublime once" vocal.

Best line: "I watch you talk, you didn't notice."

70. "Breathless" (2010)

Digging deep in the Nineties modern-rock crates, she does right by a previously obscure (to me) nugget from the New Orleans band Better Than Ezra – from 2005!, 10 years after their MTV hit! – as a charity benefit for the Hope for Haiti Now album.

Best line: "I'll never judge you/I can only love you."

69. "Superstar" (2008)

"You smile that beautiful smile, and all the girls in the front row scream your name." No relation to the 1970s Leon Russell ballad immortalized by the Carpenters – except they're both poignant ballads about groupies crushing on distant guitar boys. Well, as Journey warned, lovin' a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be.

Best line: "You sing me to sleep every night from the radio."

68. "Crazier" (2009)

Her ballad from Hannah Montana: The Movie, snagging her a cameo in the film. (But the highlight of the soundtrack will always be "Hoedown Throwdown.") This is where Taylor and Miley crossed light sabers – although they'd meet again. Great title, too – even Taylor might probably admit Miley had her beat in this department, at least until the "Blank Space" video.

Best line: "Every sky was your own kind of blue."

67. "Innocent" (2010)

Little-known fact: Did you know Kanye West once went onstage to interrupt Swift's acceptance speech at the VMAs and threw a misogynist tantrum about how she didn't deserve an award? Strange but true! "Innocent" was her song publicly forgiving him – seven freaking years ago – then they both released brilliant albums, and we all moved on with our lives. Dear Lord, if only this story had ended there.

Best line: "It's okay/Life is a tough crowd."

66. "Come Back…Be Here" (2012)

A yearning prayer for a rock & roll boy on tour, weak in the knees as she pleads for him to jet back on any terms he chooses.

Best line: "I guess you're in London today."

65. "Tied Together With a Smile" (2006)

An unsung highlight of the debut – a teen pep talk about self-esteem.

Best line: "Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty/Is the face in the mirror looking back at you."

64. "Last Christmas" (2007)

Tay does the Wham! legacy proud – she should have also covered "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go." The ache and quaver of her voice fit the George Michael melancholy; this might be the saddest "Last Christmas" since the original. Plenty of us communed with this version last Christmas, the night we said goodbye to the guy who wrote it. R.I.P., George Michael.

Best line: "A girl on a cover, but you tore her apart."

63. "Tell Me Why" (2008)

From Neil Young to the Beatles, "Tell Me Why" songs are tough to screw up, and even at 19, Tay's too seasoned to let that happen.

Best line: "I need you like a heartbeat/But you know you got a mean streak."

62. "Beautiful Eyes" (2008)

If you're a fan of Swift's Nineties modern-rock radio jones – one of her most fruitful long-running obsessions – check out this shameless tribute to the Cranberries. (But did she have to let it linger? Did she have to? Did she have to?)

Best line: "Baby, make me fly."

61. "Everything Has Changed" (2012)

She and Ed Sheeran wrote this duet together in her backyard while bouncing on a trampoline, because of course they did.

Best line: "All I've seen since 18 hours ago is green eyes and freckles and your smile."

60. "Love Story" (2008)

Romeo meets Juliet: proof that star-crossed teen romances never go out of style. She's kept going back to the well of Shakespearean tragedy, quoting Julius Caesar in the "Look What You Made Me Do" video. It's never been clear what the line "I was a scarlet letter" is doing in this song, but now it's a hint that Tay was just a few years away from going full Hester Prynne in "New Romantics."

Best line: "Just say yes."

59. "Speak Now" (2010)

In real-life weddings, the preacher hardly ever invites the groom's ex up to interrupt the ceremony. But if you're a fan of Tay in stalker mode, this is priceless – crouching behind the curtains in the back of the church, waiting to pounce. "Horrified looks from everyone in the room" – you don't say.

Best line: "It seems I was uninvited by your lovely bride-to-be."

58. "Shake It Off" (2014)

A clever transitional single – great verses, grating chorus, pithy lyrics with a shout-out to her obvious inspiration, Robyn's "Dancing on My Own." As a lead single, "Shake It Off" might have seemed meager after 1989 came out – she was holding back "Blank Space" and "Style" and (Lord have mercy) "New Romantics" for this? But "Shake It Off" got the job done, serving as a trailer to announce her daring Eighties synth-pop makeover.

Best line: "It's like I got this music in my head, saying it's gonna be all right."

57. "Better Than Revenge" (2010)

One of the basic rules of stardom is "never punch down" – don't go after somebody one-thousandth as famous as you – but rules were made to be broken, and Taylor is the girl made to break them. Here, she goes Bruce Lee on a sexual rival who may or may not be the actress who had Alyssa Milano as her babysitter in the erotic thriller Poison Ivy 2. But as usual with Swift, her self-owns are the funniest part of the song.

Best line: "She thinks I'm psycho because I like to rhyme her name with things."

56. "Welcome to New York" (2014)

People sure do love to complain about this song – in fact, the most authentically New York thing about it is how it sends people into spasms of mouth-foaming outrage. An explicitly queer-positive disco ode to arrivistes stepping out in the city that invented disco – "You can want who you want, boys and boys and girls and girls" – that will be bugging the crap out of you in rom-coms for years to come. (It made me throw a napkin at my in-flight screen during How to Be Single, when Dakota Johnson's cab is going the wrong way on the Brooklyn Bridge – and I love this song.) Bumped up a few bonus notches for pissing everyone off, since that's one of this girl's superpowers.

Best line: "Searching for a sound we hadn't heard before/And it said welcome to New York."

55. "Drops of Jupiter" (2010)

I mistakenly thought this Train hit was deep-fried garbage until I heard Swift's version and realized, "Hey, she's right – this is the best soy latte I've ever had!" Props to Tay for bringing out the hidden greatness in this song – the stargazing lyrics and her voice go together like Mozart and tae bo. (The astrophysicist in my life would like me to point out that you can't "make it to the Milky Way" because that's the galaxy we already live in. In fact, you couldn't leave the Milky Way if you tried. Science!)

Best line: "Tell me, did Venus blow your mind?"

54. "Haunted" (2010)

Enchanted to meet you, Goth Taylor. We'll meet again.

Best line: "Something keeps me holding on to nothing."

53. "Today Was a Fairy Tale" (2011)

Don't let the title scare you away – it's a plainspoken and genuinely touching play-by-play recap of a worthwhile date. In fact, "Today Was a Fairy Tale" and "If This Was a Movie" should trade titles, since this one feels realer and would make a better movie. It could rank higher, except she hugely improved it when she rewrote it as "Begin Again." (Docked a couple notches for coming from the soundtrack of Valentine's Day, which is the most dog-vomit flick Jessica Alba has ever made, and I say that as someone who paid money to see The Love Guru.)

Best line: "I wore a dress/You wore a dark gray T-shirt."

52. "All You Had to Do Was Stay" (2014)

A 1989 banger that could have made an excellent single – it sounds a bit like "Out of the Woods," except with a livelier chorus and a stormier range of electro-Tay sound effects.

Best line: "Let me remind you that this was what you wanted."

51. "Eyes Open" (2012)

Finally, her long-overdue metal move, from The Hunger Games: Songs from District 12 and Beyond.

Best line: "Every lesson forms a new scar."

50. "Treacherous" (2012)

"Put your lips next to mine/As long as they don't touch" – now there's an entrance line. Taylor braves the ski slopes of love, with a seething acoustic guitar that finally detonates halfway though.

Best line: "Nothing safe is worth the drive."

49. "You Belong With Me" (2008)

One of her most pop-friendly early hits, singing in the role of a high school geek crushing on her best guy friend. When he comes out in college, they'll have a few laughs about this. (And never let us forget the wisdom of Alicia Silverstone in Clueless: "Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie."

Best line: "She wears high heels, I wear sneakers/She's cheer captain, and I'm on the bleachers."

48. "I Almost Do" (2012)

A Red slow jam that could have worked even better sped up into a punked-out rocker – though it's plenty affecting as is.

Best line: "Every time I don't, I almost do."

47. "...Ready for It?" (2017)

If by "it" you mean "literally any song that isn't 'Look What You Made Me Do,'" the answer is "extremely ready." A major rebound from her previous release, a week earlier – the chorus of this one actually sounds like a Swift song, with a little air in the mix, giving the room she needs to pull off her intricate breathy effects. Max Martin knows how to shape a production around her voice. A hopeful omen for the rest of Repu TAY shun (hey, I just got that).

Best line: "You can be my jailor/Burton to my Taylor."

46. "Stay Stay Stay" (2012)

"Before you, I only dated self-indulgent takers" – but here she turns into a self-indulgent taker herself and (surprise!) she likes it, a phone-throwing nightmare dressed like a grocery-shopping daydream. She finally meets a guy who can roll with her mood swings – even if she's more in love with the mood swings than with the guy.

Best line: "You came in wearing a football helmet and said, 'Okay, let's talk.'"

45. "Safe and Sound" (2012)

She ventures into rootsy folkie territory on the Hunger Gamessoundtrack, teaming up with the Civil Wars and producer T Bone Burnett, exploring crevices of her voice she hadn't opened up before. Everyone steps out of their comfort zone, and it works. The Swift-Burnett connection raises the question of how long it'll take her to collaborate with Elvis Costello, a songwriter with whom she shares some fascinating affinities. At the very least, Tay should cover "New Lace Sleeves."

Best line: "Don't you dare look out your window, darling/Everything's on fire."

44. "Ronan" (2012)

A little-known charity single for cancer research, unlike anything else in her songbook. She wrote this about Ronan Thompson, a four-year-old Arizona boy who died of neuroblastoma, after she read his mom's blog. She turned the blog entries into a disarmingly eloquent ballad (crediting Maya Thompson as co-writer) and performed "Ronan" at the Stand Up to Cancer benefit. You might expect it to be manipulative and obvious; it isn't.

Best line: "We had our own secret club."

43. "You're Not Sorry" (2008)

A dramatic piano-and-strings ballad from Fearless, showing off how much her voice has deepened between her first two albums.

Best line: "It's taken me this long, baby, but I figured you out."

42. "I Know Places" (2014)

She goes all Kate Bush, pursued across the moors by the hounds of love. This 1989 deep cut is underrated, but count on "I Know Places" to loom large in her canon over the years.

Best line: "My love, they are the hunters, we are the foxes."

41. "Bette Davis Eyes" (2010)

Her kickiest left-field cover, from Speak Now Live. "I'd love to play you some music that I'm a fan of that's come from L.A. – is that OK?" she asks the West Coast crowd, strumming her guitar. "This one came out in 1981 – eight years before I was born!" Virtually nobody seems to recognize it or sing along. Kim Carnes hit Number One with "Bette Davis Eyes," but it was written by the great Jackie DeShannon, the only songwriter to collaborate with both Randy Newman and Jimmy Page. (Page wrote "Tangerine" for DeShannon!) The fact that Swift loves this classic ode to romantic espionage explains a lot.

Best line: "She's pure as New York snow/She's got Bette Davis eyes."

40. "Wonderland" (2014)

Why did it take her five albums to get to Alice in Wonderland? Needless to say, Taylor Alison Swift fits right in on the other side of the looking glass, with white rabbits and Cheshire cats. Feed your head!

Best line: "It's all fun and games till someone loses their mind."

39. "The Lucky One" (2012)

She's so lucky, she's a star. For the record, T.S. did cover "Lucky" live once (and damn well, too), as a Britney tribute in Louisiana back in 2011.

Best line: "It's big black cars and Riviera views/And your lover in the foyer doesn't even know you."

38. "Wildest Dreams" (2014)

You rang, Goth Taylor? At first this might have seemed like a minor pleasure on 1989, but it really sounds stronger and stronger over the years, especially when she hiccups the words "my last request ih-ih-is." The video features giraffes and zebras.

Best line: "He's so tall and handsome as hell/He's so bad, but he does it so well."

37. "White Horse" (2008)

Teen Romantic Tay meets Bitter Adult Tay in a superbly disenchanted breakup ballad that gives up on princesses and fairy tales.

Best line: "I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet/Lead up the stairwell."

36. "Starlight" (2012)

"Oh my, what a marvelous tune" seems like a dauntingly quaint chorus, yet she makes it stick, in what sounds like an F. Scott Fitzgerald-themed whirlwind romance. That hook comes straight from the AC/DC playbook (specifically, the opening lines of "You Shook Me All Night Long") – the sign of a truly sick pop scholar.

Best line: "We snuck into a yacht-club party/Pretending to be a duchess and a prince."

35. "Picture to Burn" (2006)

The dawn of Petty AF Tay, as she serves her ex beatdown threats. Every boy who ever complained when Taylor wrote about him – this is where you officially got fair warning.

Best line: "Let me strike a match on all my wasted time."

34. "Forever and Always" (2008)

She added this to Fearless at the last minute – just what the album needed. It's a blast of high-energy JoBro-baiting aggro on her most anomalously shade-free album. "It rains in your bedroom" is a very on-brand Tay predicament.

Best line: "Did I say something too honest? Made you run and hide like a scared little boy?"

33. "Back to December" (2010)

One of the rare ballads where she goes crawling back to an ex she treated like dirt – and she's surprisingly effective in the role. Although breaking into the guy's house is a little extreme. (If she's blocked by the chain on his door, that means she already picked the lock, right?) And sorry, but you're seriously dreaming if you think I'm bothering to Google the name of that Twilight guy, don't @ me.

Best line: "It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you."

32. "The Best Day" (2008)

Her tribute to Mama Swift. A weapons-grade tearjerker and not to be trifled with in a public place. NSFW, unless you are a professional crier.

Best line: "You were on my side/Even when I was wrong."

31. "The Story of Us" (2010)

You could credit this hit with single-handedly driving John Mayer out of the pop heartthrob business and into the Grateful Dead – which is just one of the things to love about it. Along with the Joey Ramone-style way she says, "Next chapter!"

Best line: "See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy."

30. "How You Get the Girl" (2014)

She busts out her trusty acoustic guitar, teardrop stains and all, just to turn it into a beatbox.

Best line: "Stand there like a ghost shaking in the rain/She'll open up the door and say 'Are you insane?'"

29. "Hey Stephen" (2010)

Loaded with classic girl-group flourishes, right from the opening "Be My Baby" drum beat. Plus, it begins and ends with her finest humming solos. If she wanted to hum on every song, she could make that work.

Best line: "All those other girls, well, they're beautiful/But would they write a song for you?"

28. "Should've Said No" (2006)

A pissed-off highlight of the debut, with an Oasis-worthy chorus. Savor the perfect Liam Gallagher way she milks the vowels of "begging for forgiveness at my fee-ee-eet."

Best line: "It was a moment of weakness, and you said yes."

27. "Last Kiss" (2010)

Toward the end of Speak Now, when you're already wrung out from sad songs and begging for mercy, this six-minute quasi-doo-wop ballad creeps up on you to inflict more punishment. One of those flawless Nathan Chapman productions – so sparse, so delicate, flattering every tremor of her voice.

Best line: "I'm not much for dancing, but for you I did."

26. "Teardrops on My Guitar" (2006)

One of her defining early smashes – and the one that marked her crucial crossover to the minivan-mom adult audience, where country stars do most of their business. It also inspired the first anti-Taylor answer song – Joe Jonas sang, "I'm done with superstars/And all the tears on her guitar" in 2009, on the JoBros' instantly forgotten Lines, Vines and Trying Times.

Best line: "Drew walks by me/Can he tell that I can't breathe?"

25. "Sad Beautiful Tragic" (2012)

She must have heard a Mazzy Star song on the radio that morning and thought, "Hey, this sounds like fun." All the details are in place, from her woozy Hope Sandoval mumble to the way Nathan Chapman nails Sandoval's exact tambourine sound. Such an underrated Red gem, one she's almost never done live. Would any other songwriter on Earth have the sheer gall to get away with that title? Let's hope nobody tries.

Best line: "You've got your demons, and, darling, they all look like me."

24. "Mine" (2010)

"You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter" is one of those hooks where she seems to cram a whole life story into one line.

Best line: "I was a flight risk with a fear of falling."

23. "This Love" (2014)

A meditative 1989 nocturne – half acoustic introspection, half electro reverie – as she genuflects in the midnight hour.

Best line: "I could go on and on/And I will."

22. "22" (2012)

Approximately 22,000 times more fun than actually being 22. The best song about turning the double deuce since Neil Young's "Powderfinger," if not the Stratford 4's "Telephone," it's also her first shameless disco trip, with that Nile Rodgers-style guitar flash. But the power move is that "uh oh" into the chorus – the oldest trick in the book, except she makes it sound brand new every time.

Best line: "This place is too crowded, too many cool kids."

21. "Mean" (2010)

A banjo-core Tay-visceration of people who are mean, liars, pathetic, and/or alone in life, including the ones who live in big old cities. Always a concert highlight, showcasing her murderers' row of a band, the Agency.

Best line: "Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing."

20. "I Knew You Were Trouble" (2012)

It slams like a lost Blondie hit, from somewhere between Parallel Lines and Eat to the Beat. The way she sings the word "drown-i-i-i-ing" alone makes it.

Best line: "He was long gone when he met me/And I realize the joke is on me."

19. "Tim McGraw" (2006)

We knew she was trouble when she walked in – or at least we should have guessed from her debut single. You couldn't make this up – a nervy high school kid shows up with a country ballad she whipped together after math class one day, about slow dancing in the moonlight to the pickup truck radio: "When you think Tim McGraw/I hope you think of me." Within a couple of years, she's an even bigger star than McGraw is.

Best line: "He said the way my blue eyes shined/Put those Georgia pines to shame that night/I said, 'That's a lie.'"

18. "Style" (2014)

Not always a subtle one, our Tay. This extremely 1986-sounding synth-pop groove is full of hushed-breath melodrama, where even the guy taking off his coat can feel like a plot twist. (Why would he keep his coat on? This is his apartment.) And the long-running songwriting badminton between her and Harry Allegedly is pop call-and-response the way it ought to be – no matter how much misery it might bring into their personal lives, for the rest of us it means one great tune after another. (Yeah, OK, plus the one about the snowmobile.)

Best line: "You got that James Dean daydream look in your eye/And I got that red lip classic thing that you like."

17. "State of Grace" (2012)

She opens Red with one of her grandest love songs in arena-rock drag, and the U2 vibe makes sense since she's also got a red guitar and the truth. If "State of Grace" is her U2 song, what's the U2 song that sounds most like Taylor? Probably "All I Want Is You," though you could make a strong case for "A Sort of Homecoming."

Best line: "Up in your room and our slates are clean/Twin fire signs, four blue eyes."

16. "Sparks Fly" (2010)

"Drop everything now! Meet me in the pouring rain!" Oh, this girl loves her precipitation scenes, but "Sparks Fly" really brings the thunder. It shows off her uncanny power to make a moment sound gauchely private and messily public at the same time. (The new Waxahatchee album has another excellent song called "Sparks Fly" – no relation.)

Best line: "Just keep on keeping your eyes on me."

15. "Fifteen" (2008)

"In your life you'll do bigger things than date the boy on the football team/I didn't know that at 15." Still south of her twenties, she sings her compassionately, sisterly yet hardass advice to her fellow teenage girls. (Spoiler: Boys are always lying about everything.)

Best line: "We both cried."

14. "Ours" (2010)

Like so many of her songs, "Ours" sounds like it could be channeling the 16-blue mojo of the Replacements' punk-rock bard Paul Westerberg. (Melodically, it evokes "When It Began," though it feels more like "I Will Dare.") Especially the best line, which is possibly the best-est "best line" on this list, and which I sing to myself a mere dozen times a day.

Best line: "Don't you worry your pretty little mind/People throw rocks at things that shine."

13. "Begin Again" (2012)

"You said you never met one girl who had as many James Taylor records as you," indeed. Sweet Baby Tay drops a deceptively simple ballad that sneaks up and steamrolls all over you, as an unmelodramatic coffee date leads to an unmelodramatic emotional connection. She's always been outspoken about her mad love for her namesake JT and Carly Simon, but "Begin Again" could be the finest collabo they never wrote.

Best line: "You don't know why I'm coming off a little shy/But I do."

12. "Fearless" (2008)

Oh, Fearless, it's easy to take you for granted sometimes. The first time I heard her sophomore record (the record company literally played it over the phone for me because they were so afraid of it leaking) I thought, "Holy cats, this is a perfect pop album. She'll never top this." Then she topped it three times in a row, to the point where it's one of history's most curiously overlooked perfect pop albums. The title anthem gathers so many of her favorite tropes in one chorus – rain, cars, fancy dresses, boys who stare at her while driving instead of watching the damn road, shy girls posing as brave and faking it till they make it – and builds up to a swoon.

Best line: "You're so cool, run your hands through your hair/Absent-mindedly making me want you."

11. "Enchanted" (2010)

The moment where this bittersweet symphony leaps from a nine to a 10 comes at the 4:25 point, when it feels like the song has reached its logical conclusion, until the Interior Monologue Voice-Over Taylor beams in to whisper: "Please don't be in love with someone else/Please don't have somebody waiting on you." In the final seconds, for the coup de grace, she duets with herself.

Best line: "The lingering question kept me up at 2 a.m./Who do you love?"

10. "Our Song" (2006)

The hit that made me a Swift fan, the first moment I heard it in 2007 – it knocked me sideways in the middle of lunch. (The CW played it as interstitial music between afternoon reruns of the Clueless sitcom and What I Like About You.) "Our song is a slamming screen door," what a genius hook. I Googled to see who wrote this; it turned out the songwriter was also the singer and – how strange – she was just starting out. I hoped she might have at least another great tune or two in her. This song and that voice have kept slamming those screen doors ever since.

Best line: "We're on the phone, and you talk reeeeeal slow/'Cause it's late and your mama don't know."

9. "Red" (2012)

The mission statement for Red, this century's most ridiculously masterful megapop manifesto. Eurodisco plus banjos – the glitter-cowgirl totality Shania Twain spent years trying to perfect, with a color-tripping lyric worthy of Prince himself, faster than the wind, passionate as sin. Plus, her all-time gnarliest pileup of Swiftian metaphors. (Nitpick: What kind of crossword puzzle has no right answer? What self-respecting puzzlemaster would sign off on that?)

Best line: "Lovin' him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street."

8. "Clean" (2014)

Love is the drug. "Clean" is the stark synth-folk ballad of an infatuation junkie struggling through some kind of detox, with a big assist from Imogen Heap. An intense finale for the all-killer homestretch of 1989.

Best line: "Ten months sober, I must admit/Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it."

7. "Holy Ground" (2012)

Nobody does zero-to-60 emotional peel outs like our girl, and "Holy Ground" is her equivalent of Evel Knievel jumping the Snake River Canyon. Note the sly brilliance of how she steals that Eighties guitar riff from none other than Billy Idol, making this her "White Wedding" as well as her "Rebel Yell." (Though the lyrics are about dancing with herself.) A highlight on the Red tour, showcasing Tay's drum-solo skills.

Best line: "Hey, you skip the conversation when you already know."

6. "Dear John" (2010)

A slow-burning, methodical, precise, savage dissection of a failed quasi-relationship, with no happy ending, no moral, no solution, not even a lesson learned – just a bad memory filed away. "Dear John" might sound like she's spontaneously pouring her heart out, but it takes one devious operator to make a song this intricate feel that way. ("You're an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry and never impressed by me acing your tests" – she makes all that seem like one gulp of breath.) Every line stings, right down to the end when she switches from "I should have known" to "You should have known."

Best line: "I'm shining like fireworks over your sad empty town."

5. "We Are Never Getting Back Together" (2012)

Like, ever. Her funniest breakup jam, because it's her most self-mocking. She could have made the guy in this song a shady creep—a cheater, a liar, a scarf-stealer, etc. But, no, he's just a needy little run-of-the-mill basket case, exactly like her, making the same complaints about her to his own bored friends, though his complaints can't be as catchy as this chorus. And the video is a gem, especially when she's wearing the Tay Is Seriously Mad Now glasses. Where is that indie-rock bar that still has a pay phone?

Best line: "I mean, I'm just like, this is exhausting, OK?

4. "Blank Space" (2014)

A double-venti celebration of serial monogamy for Starbucks lovers everywhere, as Tay zooms through the whole cycle – the high, the pain, the players, the game, magic, madness, heaven, sin. Every second of "Blank Space" is perfect, from the pen clicks to the "nasss-taaaay-scarrr" at the end. The high might not be worth the pain, but this song is.

Best line: "Darling, I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream."

3. "Long Live" (2010)

This is her "Common People," her "Born to Run," her "We Are the Champions." An arena-slaying rock anthem to cap off Speak Now, for an ordinary girl who suddenly gets to feel like she rules the world for a minute or two. "Long Live" could be a gang of friends, a teen couple at the prom, a singer addressing her audience. But like so many songs on Speak Now, her secret prog album, it reaches a point where it feels like it's over and Tay's bringing it in for a landing, except that's when the song gets twice as good. In the final verse, she makes a gigantic mess. (Actual lyric: "Promise me this/That you'll stand by me forever." WTF, girl, you were doing so well there.) Yet that's the moment that puts "Long Live" over the top – a song nobody else could have written, as she rides those power chords home. That's Taylor: always overdoing it, never having one feeling where six would do. Long live.

Best line: "I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you."

2. "New Romantics" (2014)

The way Taylor exhales at the end of the line "I'm about to play my ace-aaah" is perhaps the finest moment in the history of human lungs. "New Romantics" is where she takes the Eighties synth-pop concept of 1989 to the bank, with a mirror-ball epiphany that leaves tears of mascara all over the dance floor. She tips her cap to the arty poseurs of the 1980s New Romantic scene – Duran Duran, Adam Ant, the Human League, etc. – yet sounds exactly like her own preposterously emotional self. (One of my weirdest moments of recent years: explaining this song's existence to the guys in Duran Duran.) "New Romantics" is hardly the first time she's sung about crying in the bathroom, but it's the one that makes crying in the bathroom sound like a bold spiritual quest, which (when she sings about it) it is. The punch line: Having written this work of genius, exceeding even the wildest hopes any fan could have dreamed, she left it off the damn album, a very New Romantic thing to do.

Best line: "We show off our different scarlet letters/Trust me, mine is better."

1. "All Too Well" (2012)

So casually cruel in the name of being awesome. This towering ballad is Swift's zenith, building to peak after peak. For "All Too Well," she teams up with her trustiest collaborators – songwriting sensei Liz Rose, producer Nathan Chapman – to spin a tragic tale of doomed love and scarves and autumn leaves and maple lattes. It's full of killer moments: the way she sings "refrigerator," the way she spits out the consonants of "crumpled-up piece of paper," the way she chews up three "all"s in a row. No other song does such a stellar job of showing off her ability to blow up a trivial little detail into a legendary heartache. (That scarf should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, though in a way it already is.) You can schaeden your freude all over the celebrity she reputedly sings about, but on the best day of your life you will never inspire a song as great as "All Too Well." Or write one.

Best line: "Maybe we got lost in translation/Maybe I asked for too much/Maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up/Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well."

[steelframers]

PCB (Printed Circuit Board) Design and Routing Tips as well as Methods

PCB (Printed Circuit Board) Design and Routing Tips as well as Practices

4layers pcb produce 1. Introduction A new PCB is a branded circuit panel. PCBs usually are a part of all of our everyday lives; Computers, Cellphones, Calculators, Wrist-watches and every single electricity component we communicate with each day. This content is targeted at authorities who will be familiar with Equipment design and also have PCB layout background. special offer for 2layers pcb 2 . Shaping the actual PCB The commonest shape with regard to PCB is usually rectangle. Several people also prefer to get the corners rounded, that decreases the possibility associated with edge-cracking. Is very important of PCB highly is dependent upon where anyone are going to spot the board, and what your mechanical specifications tend to be (the final pack just where the product is placed). Normally, there are 4 big cracks in the particular board, each hole inside one corner. These holes are used to carry the board into position employing a patch or some sort of PCB holder. The height is usually more than 2 millimeters, and it is plated. three or more. How many layers to use? Now we get to the next phase, how many layers should all of us use? This highly depends on the maximum frequency utilized in the design, how a lot of components you have, regardless of whether you have Ball-Grid-Array components not really, and most essential of all, exactly how compacted your design is. To get systems running around 80 MHz, usually they have ok to use 2 Tiers, should it be achievable to path the panel doing so. Consider Chemical. E. Certification in addition to FCC regulations in consideration. Almost all of the times, the require a maximum of -130dBm emission on community broadcast band (FM 80-108MHz). That can be problematic if you use a new high-current clock operating among 45 to 80 MHz (The second harmonic could be among 80 to 160 MHz, which can easily violate these rules). For programs running above 80MHz, it is very important to consider using far more cellular levels, (4 is very good example). You will discover 2 methods in 5 layers: Top and base layers may be Ground in addition to Electrical power planes. The middle tiers used for routing. Top in addition to bottom layers made use of for indication, Middle tiers used for planes The first method has the top notch signal quality, because alerts are sandwiched among a couple power planes, and as a result, you could minimum emission. The secondly process can make course-plotting easy, when you will not really need a via (vertical interconnect access) for each and every flag, as the green resides for a passing fancy signalling layer. Further more, the interior aeroplanes can have multiple of the islands, to cover all your power demands, reducing the via count up even additional. BUT this method can be extremely tricky, and it is usually extremely important NEVER TO bust power planes underneath dangerously fast signal, as this can result into a return path picture, making unwanted emission more prone to occur. Using considerably more layers always results in quality of product, however it will make it far more expensive to develop, particularly in the prototyping stage. (The change between 2 layers original and 4-6 layers, can be as high as few one hundred dollars dollars). The six-layer+ technique is almost ideal. Applying top along with bottom part as power-planes and inner layers with regard to routing can prevent emission, increase resistance to noise and considerably reduce design initiatives, as there are more levels to apply for routing. Impedance-matching can be performed easily, and most of us will cover this section for high-speed signals. 4. Arranging layers for Impedance-matching On this point I suppose you managing high-speed process which has SSTL, HSTL, LVDS, RSDS, GTL+, High speed TTL and other speedy interconnections (USB HS, 2 . 5Gbps PCI-Express, etc. ). These routings require specific considerations. The lines call for impedance-matching. For many newcomers, this is often a questioning term. Often the difference between Impedance along with Resistance is great. If you need resistance matching, it is simple to use a resistor along with be done with it. Impedance matching, on the other hand, has obtained nothing to do having resistors. It depends on the Size of the track, the underside power-plane, whether is it Strip-Line (Surrounded between two power planes) or uStrip (which suggests has a electrical power plane within it, although the other part is definitely free, as in TopLayer or BottomLayer). To obtain a certain impedance on the track, it is best to carefully decide on these guidelines. Use a impedance calculator (search google) to find the right principles for width, top above the power-plane, and width of the metallic layer, to be able to achieve the sought after impedance (usually 50 or maybe 70 ohms). Be encouraged that will a miss-matched impedance relationship (especially on RF, Speedy USB, SATA or PCI-Express, and memory lines including SSTL or HSTL), and also the board fail without obvious reasons. This can push you to get for the next original, without ever finding what exactly triggered the first original to fail. your five. Power-planing. Power-islands are the most essential factors in a high-speed digital design. An FPGA or perhaps high-speed processor panel together with in-accurate power-planing can easily be very unsound. Throughout early days, you might way power tracks any little bigger than signal-tracks, and handled them similar to normal connections. Today, the actual story is different. When you use and FPGAs or Excessive processors, you should realize that a big number of flip-flops are transferring at any given moment within your system. Their switching causes a huge amount of present going back-and-forward through their own electrical power and ground pin codes. The ground-pins in this specific case can create ground-bounce if the amount involving current (and especially typically the slew-rate) is actually high. My partner and i must remind a person involving the famous V=L. di/dt (Delta-Voltage equals inductance by current-rate). If you work with a the path (for instance) to path ground indication, you will have various voltages on each aspect with the track. It will be very funny in order to have +0. 5V using one side of your floor, as well as -1V on the actual other side. This can trigger COMPLETE SYSTEM FAILING. From the experiencing this issue in early days, which forced me to be able to problem even the very essential entire body rules I understood. Discovering this bug may be difficult, and possibly in case discovered, you will certainly have no choice but to produce another prototype. Often the same principle applies with regard to power-plane a couple. You can easily have drops in many tracks if you complete not use a plane, or a large power-islands, to aid your power voltage. Using a greater number of decoupling capacitors is extremely recommended for dangerously fast and high-powered processors/FPGAs, in close proximity to their particular power lines. Often the RF section, and the power-supply switching sections needs exclusive care for their ground-planes. Their islands should end up being isolated from the system ground-plane, and will need to have tracks joining your changing island in order to system terrain (the songs should be okay in order to have near-zero DC weight, but not more). This is because moving over and RF section, can produce mounds on ground-plane, that may generate ground-bounce on your techniques ground. You can search google with this subject if you need more clarification.

[scrlvts-blog]

hi my dudes, i’m taylor and it’s been one hell of a day, i’m incredibly stoked that there was a spot here for my girl because oc hollywood roleplays like these are my brand. beneath the cut is a little bit more about my baby scar, feel free to like this post for me to appear in your ims for plots or hmu, i’m ready to jump in and start interacting w/ all you beautiful, beautiful people ! 

( SELENA GOMEZ | SHE/HER, CISFEMALE ) quick, snap a picture that’s SCARLET CARRILLO coming this way. you know the TWENTY-FIVE year old SINGER/SONGWRITER that sounds exactly like KESHA. in interviews SHE always comes off as SAGACIOUS and PEDANTIC, but every time gossip is covered by GLC, SHE is painted as MERCURIAL and RECALCITRANT. GLC is always referring to HER as the BYZANTINE. the last story they did on HER was about BEING SPOTTED AT A CLUB POST-REHAB, but they’d have a field day if they knew that SHE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR A GIRL OVERDOSING AT ONE OF HER PARTIES. i hope no one finds out because crowned just might drop any artist with too much drama.

scarlet was born and raised in nashville, it was just her and her mother growing up. her mother’s dream had always been to work in music but when she’d gotten pregnant with scarlet, it was no longer in the cards for her and she couldn’t take the chance waiting on a dream when she had a daughter to raise? but they stayed in nashville because her mom couldn’t bear to leave the city of her dreams (compromise, lmao) so her mom worked a couple of jobs to balance things and while they weren’t off the greatest they could’ve been financially, scarlet had a relatively happy childhood

she’d spent countless hours hanging out at the bar her mom worked at as a child since they couldn’t afford a babysitter or a program and the manager had okayed it (mostly bc scarlet’s mom was sleeping w him on the side), reading books and listening to music or the live bands that would play and she very quickly fell in love with words and music

during her school years, she was the odd man out — most kids didn’t like her if only for the fact that they thought she was weird and brash, which she was, no doubt, and while scarlet (and her mother) tried to convince her that she didn’t mind being cast out, it certainly bothered her

she suffers from pretty severe anxiety and depression, and her coping mechanism was without a doubt music ; melodies and hooks were her specialty, and she liked writing songs that encapsulated a party vibe? they were happy, dance-y songs that made her feel better whenever she heard them and she figured that even though it wasn’t “serious” music, it was music that made her want to get up and dance and allowed her to forget about her problems since it made her happy when she heard it, and that was the kind of music she liked to make, she wanted to share that with the world

spring break, her senior year, she and some of the kids she’d managed to make friends with (all of them were older because, again, scarlet spent her time in fucking seedy bars or roaming around nashville doing as she pleased — her mom trusted her enough to let her be Independent) road-tripped all the way to los angeles and while they were there and stoned, they dared scarlet to submit a demo to one of the massive record labels as a joke

never one to turn down a dare (because bby just wanted for them to continue to accept her bless) she did it, recorded a few songs while she was still high and they dropped it off at crowned records and to their surprise, they liked it for some reason? and they wanted her on the label??? because she brought something different to the table????

when she and her mom found out, they danced around their living room and her mom let her “drink for the first time”

the label liked what she was pitching song-wise, but they weren’t crazy about the way she was recording her songs for a little while?? scarlet has a gr8, incredibly unique voice and she can sing but for whatever reason, they didn’t want that out of her?? like, she wound up selling a lot of her songs off to other artists even though she didn’t want to pass them off (kesha’s unreleaseds are a blessing) and she kinda got frustrated, yelled at a producer and mockingly did the same voice she’d done in the demos kind of as a middle-finger to him and they were like YES there’s our girl!!

so yep that’s where the "accent” comes in in all of her early songs, it was because her label really wanted to cash in on the fact there wasn’t really anyone in the industry like her and she’s wasn’t...crazy about it, but she knew why she was making music and figured this was just a means to an end, didn’t matter all that much to her

stage-wise, she’s known as scarlet, no second names attached (and yes, there was a pitch meeting about $carlet but she was like fuck no)

album-wise, scarlet has released animal (nineteen), cannibal (twenty-one), and warrior (twenty-three), and now she’s in the beginning of stages of working on her fourth album (rainbow) and that’s going...interestingly, will touch on this in a Mo

not only did scarlet release party music, she literally was the party queen of hollywood - no one thought her habits were normal or healthy by any means, since the paparazzi would spot her usually twice a week at a party (she got very good at evading them and usually went to more during the week) and parties were kind of an extension of her music to her — she’d go to a party, drink, dance, maybe get her hands on a drug or two, and have a good time and it would put a band-aid over a bullet hole, so to speak

and the more exposure her music got, the more famous she got, the more partying she did — she didn’t like the “fame” aspect of making music but she liked the ins she got, the stuff she was able to get away with because she was who she was (pun totally not intended but at the same time, so intended lmao) and she got pretty hooked on cocaine for awhile

the making of her warrior album was just a trainwreck, she was literally coming apart at the seams (this was roughly a year and a half ago, timeline-wise) and arriving to all her sessions completely stoned, she was just a mess and she wasn’t willing to admit she needed help, she thought she really had things handled

there were a few interventions between her team, the label, her family, and scarlet gave them all a big Fuck You and kept going about her business, the album came out, la la la, she was getting ready to start planning for the tour and then at one of the parties she threw, things went south really fast — basically, some groupie was there and scarlet encouraged her to do cocaine and it went wrong, it was a perfect disaster and the girl ended up od’ing and scarlet literally had a panic attack when she found her

the place went on lockdown after ; once her management got in there it was decided that everyone would be in agreement, the party had never happened and the girl hadn’t gotten anything from scarlet (this was followed by a hefty pay-off to make sure all loose ends were tied up, since the girl did pass away) and because it scared scarlet so badly, she was finally willing to go to rehab and so two days later, she was off the grid

she definitely took advantage of being in rehab and kinda prolonged her stay there by her own choice? she was diagnosed w bipolar disorder, learned how to deal with it and kick her addictions and really believed she was making progress, and as time went on she realized that she was doing well in this place and was able to express herself creatively and she didn’t have any of the added pressures of fame on her back so like why tf would she wanna leave?? she got a lot off her chest while she was there and leaving kinda scared her, so she just...chilled until she literally had to give up her bed, the total length of her stay rounding out at like thirteen, fourteen months

she’s been out of rehab for roughly six months and is definitely staying much more low-key than she had ; she doesn’t go to many parties any more unless they’re for friends which, she doesn’t have too many real friends in her corner since most of them only liked her when she was Party Queen and when she does, she sits in the back and literally pulls out a keyboard app on her phone and writes melodies, she’s just not interested in it anymore??

she wants to be taken seriously in music now and that’s why she’s having trouble moving forward with her fourth album, the label wants her to ofc keep up with the dance/party music but she really doesn’t feel like that’s her anymore?? she’s like, pulling her hair out at this point because she doesn’t feel like anyone’s listening to her, and she knows people really don’t think of her as a legitimate singer but....she can? and she wants to prove that? so yeah

personality wise scarlet is very go with the flow; she’s incredibly smart and detail-oriented, a hella perfectionist and she’s the kind of person who just says what she means and doesn’t really care if it comes out wrong. has a weird sense of humor and really just loves to dance in her underwear, meditate (oh my GOD she loves meditation, got hooked on it in rehab and dedicates a good chunk of her day to meditation) and enjoy the little things in life? she’s got a better appreciation for it now

is hella stubborn, it’s like arguing with a brick wall and she’s like walking on a landmine, any little thing will set her off. she knows what she wants and if you’re in the way of it, sorrryyyy. kitty’s got claws and she’ll use them without hesitation

is openly bisexual

is just trying to maintain her sobriety and keep in a good mental place while in the lion’s den lmao

connection wise i want all the things, i’ll put a legit serious page up l8r 

give me friends who just used scarlet for her parties and are kinda...yknow towards her, give me True Friends (by hannah montana) who stuck w her in rehab or got to know her while she was in rehab and know the real her, give me someone who she sold a song she loved dearly to that did very well on the charts and she’s still highkey bitter about it, give me exes of ANY NATURE, give me “we bicker all the time but we’ve got mad sexual tension going on and lowkey enjoying going back and forth”, give me people who don’t like her for whatever reason, give me people who believe in her and people who don’t, give me literally anything you want okay?? okay