#( I'm swinging between wanting to post it and delete it so I'm just going to post it )

[superblysubpar]

Sit Down:

steddie x reader | my blog is 18+

"Sit.Down," he practically growls before soft lips brush along your temple.

"I can't! This is ridiculous!"

Eddie’s dirty sneakers continue to pace over the worn carpet of the lobby. His thumb between his teeth as he glances at the double doors for the hundredth time in less than a minute.

Steve adjusts his arm around your shoulders when you shiver, his other arm wrapped tight around your lower back pulls you closer against his chest.

"I mean, we've been here a fucking hour! And nobody else is in this waiting room and she's clearly sick-"

"Ed..." Your voice is hoarse, muffled against Steve's chest.

Your eyes are squeezed shut tight against the harsh flourescents so you don't see the way your pitiful voice makes Steve's eyes harden in their gaze at Eddie, or the way his jaw tenses when he risks a glance at the doors himself. The only way you know it makes Eddie stop is the jangle of his chain and the sound of his feet dragging halting. Not seeing how broken his face looks when he takes in your crumpled body against the other boy.

"Sorry. I'm just...I hate doctors. I mean I don't hate them, they're cool, they have the drugs you need, but I feel helpless and scared and you look so sick babe."

"Not. Helping." Steve grits out to Eddie in another warning, his arms tightening around you protectively.

They glare at each other until the doors open and your name is called.

You pathetically remove yourself from Steve and start to follow the nurse, wheezing out what brought you in today until you realize the two boys are trying to follow and you turn, hands practically smacking their chests if you had the power behind your weak limbs.

"Stay out here," you plead, nodding towards the chairs.

As the door starts to swing closed behind you, Eddie nods, like the sight of you going through the doors is finally enough to ease his nerves, but Steve's mouth is parted in a protest you don't get a chance to hear.

When you finally come back out to the lobby, Eddie sits in the chair you once were in. His chin propped in his palm, bored in his stare and command of, "Sit down, Harrington."

Steve's hands push through his hair repeatedly, voice grumbling something you can't quite make out as he paces back and worth.

They both turn at the sound of your cough, immediately overwhelming you with questions about prescriptions and food you might want, lips to temples and cheeks as they start to get you bundled back up in your coat and hat and gloves.

A/N: I've been having quite a tough time in various ways, including writing and being on Tumblr lately. @carolmunson had asked how the boys would act with you at an urgent care a bit ago, I posted this, and then almost immediately deleted. I'm re-posting now, trying to feel better about posting things on here again. Thanks for asking for this Carol, and can't wait to participate in The Boy Is Mine too. 💛

[stylesispunk]

The great war | part I |

"And maybe it was egos swinging, maybe it was her, flashes of the battle come back to me in a blur"

part 2, part 3 part 4, part 5 | masterlist

series summary: After things fell apart it seemed that Joel and you were falling into pieces.

pairing: joel miller x fem!reader

word count: 1.2k

warning: angst, established relationship (complicated though) hints to cheating, age gap (Reader is in her late 20s, Joel is in his late 40s), mentions of stillborn baby, please don't read if you feel it triggers.

A/n: English is not my first language and it has been YEARS since I last wrote something that wasn't academic or formal for my job, so please forgive any mistake. (I´m posting it before I regret it and I delete it)

Three weeks had passed since that night and currently, things weren't fine. 

It seemed that you had barely seen Joel these days, other than sleeping next to each other. 

You watched Joel from your seat on the front porch of your house.  You were enveloped by the bracing air that gently kissed your cheeks. The surroundings were adorned with a soft layer of snow, lending an ethereal scene. The same scene you were witnessing in front of you. You watched with intrigue as he and her interacted nearby. Their voices carried through the coldness, their laughter creating a soft warmth in the chilly air. 

You felt betrayed. 

He didn't spend time with you. What is more, he'd spent every day since that day with Lucy. And you knew, in the bottom of your heart that she felt like a wave of fresh air for Joel. She was kind, brave, strong, and a beautiful woman. She reminded him of you, but happier. A happy soul, free from the trauma you had been through. It seemed like he enjoyed the days with her. He seemed happier.

And you didn't.

A pang of jealousy bubbled inside you

He was laughing with another woman.

He was finding comfort in another person.

He was laughing.

and you were grieving.

"You two ever going to speak again?" Ellie spoke gently, taking a seat next to her on the bench. 

"Drop it, Ellie. I can't handle this right now" Your voice, hoarse

"I'm sorry, but I can't just ignore how much you're hurting. You need to talk about it." 

You inhale and sigh before speaking again " I don't know how, Ellie. Every time I look at him, I'm reminded of that night."

"I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. But you can't blame him entirely."

As Ellie's words settled in, you felt a mix of emotions swirling within you. The pain from that night still lingered, leaving you vulnerable and guarded. It was difficult for you to see beyond that hurt. 

"It's not just that. I feel so isolated. Look at him, he seems pretty happy with Lucy", you admitted, rubbing your face in frustration. 

Ellie reached out your hand to hold it and give some kind of comfort

" It's okay to feel lost and confused right now. Emotions are complicated, especially after what happened" she spoke softly.

Your tears were already streaming down your cheeks.

"It hurts so much, Ellie. I can't see a way to move past this." 

Ellie couldn't take it anymore and wrapped her arms around you

"I know it's hard, but you're stronger than you realize. You're ready, talk to him" 

Sniffling, you said "I don't even know where to start" You finally took a deep breath. "But it's worth a try. I don't want to lose him either."

Ellie smiled, wiping your tears. "You won't lose me, never, nor him. We're a family"

You sat there in silence for a moment, a sense of comfort settling between the both of you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

You sat silently as the weight of your heartache and your worst nightmares consumed you. Ellie had fallen asleep, leaving you with the perfect opportunity to speak to Joel, who had just returned home.

He seemed surprised when he saw you standing there in your living room. You had been avoiding him for the last three weeks. 

You approached him carefully.

"I can make dinner," You piped up, trying to mask your deep emotions with a hopeful smile. "And maybe we could finally talk" your voice, unsure. 

but surprisingly, Joel's response was cold and defensive "Now you wanna talk? I already ate with Lucy and the guys."

Rhia's heart sank at the mention of Lucy, the woman who had seemingly captured Joel's attention. 

She couldn't bear it anymore, so she voiced her feelings "I'm glad you're having fun with her."

Joel chuckled, but Rhia saw through the facade. "You're being unfair, you know," he retorted.

The tension in the air was palpable, and Rhia's emotions overflowed. 

"Rhia". He began "You're hurting, and I understand, but..."

She interrupted with a low voice "Understand? It wasn't you who had to-" Rhia couldn't hold

"I lost a child before, Rhia", Joel admitted solemnly. "And you're not the only one who lost her. She was my child too." 

Rhia couldn't hold the pain anymore. She couldn't bear the weight of her grief. "It was me who birthed a baby who did not survive. It was me the one who killed her own baby! I- I'm broke. I can't sleep. And all you do is spend time with Lucy as if it's your way of coping."

"I'm not spending all the time with her " Joel's face hardened. "But we both know, at least she-"

"At least she what?" Rhia pushed.

"She is not weak" Joel stated firmly.

Rhia chuckled bitterly, her pain transforming into resentment. She felt betrayed.

"Do you like her?" feeling she was finally losing the man in front of her. 

Joel's silence confirmed her worst fears, and even if it wasn't true, he couldn't control her voice anymore, and her voice trembled "You like her. Go to her. Sleep with her, and have a baby with her. Maybe she can keep that baby alive." The last hurt her more. 

Joel's response was bitter and venomous, leaving Rhia feeling sick. "Maybe I will" he spat, taking steps towards her "Maybe I will sleep with her". 

Tears streamed down your cheeks as your heart broke all over again within those weeks and before you could even say something, Ellie came running down the stairs.

"Take that back, you asshole!" Ellie pointed at Joel, her voice filled with anger and defiance.

Rhia tried to handle the situation, urging Ellie to go back to her room, but the young girl wouldn't budge. Her heart ached for the woman who was the closest thing she had as a mother. 

Tears streamed down your cheeks. Her heart ached. 

"Ellie, go to your room," You whispered, pleading with her.

"Rhia..." Ellie pleaded, concerned. 

"It's okay. I will handle this," Your voice barely audible, the last bit of strength. 

Ellie reluctantly agreed and walked back upstairs, not before sending daggers to Joel.

"Rhia, promise me you won't leave."

"I promise" Your voice 

Left alone again with Joel, Rhia felt her heart breaking as he took a few steps toward her. She couldn't bear to be near him anymore.

"Stop. Please." Rhia's voice was filled with heartbreak.

Joel whispered her name, trying to reach out to her, but Rhia yanked her arm away, unable to be physically touched by him. 

"No. Fuck you. You can't take that back" she declared; her voice determined.

She knew what she had to do now. "This is over. I'm done with you," she said, defeated. 

Joel stood there, speechless. 

Rhia turned away from him, walking upstairs. She made up her mind.

She was leaving him in the morning, even if it meant breaking her promise to Ellie.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joel arrived home early in the morning. A bouquet of flowers in his hands, an attempt to mend the hurt he caused the previous night. He knew the hurtful words he had said had caused permanent pain in her heart, but he was determined to go to war for you. He just loved you that much. 

But as he stepped inside, he stopped abruptly when he saw Ellie sitting there, tears streaming down her cheeks, holding a piece of paper in her hands.

His heart pounded in his chest. 

The sight of Ellie

The sight of you last night.

He felt like his heart might stop forever when Ellie looked at him in the eyes, motionless. 

"She left, you asshole."

---------

A/N: I don't feel satisfied by this, I did it just for fun, but if you read it, thank you so much 🥺 feel free to comment or send me questions if you have any, kisses for you 🥺❤️

[still-a-morosexual-help]

Accidentally deleted an ask again🥲

Anon basically asked: about the twins being willing to both be in a relationship with MC; how despite Belphie saying this in S1 they've both shown that they're unwilling to share MC during different instances. Anon's question was whether this was due to the writers forgetting what Belphie said in S1 or because of something else.

Here's my answer;

In light of Beel & Belphie's shared date with MC on their 2023 birthday (meaning the writers haven't forgotten that the twins are willing to share), I figured it was time to post this ask;

Oh! This is super easy to explain!

Sometimes when I go to the shop and buy something sweet to eat I think, "oh! I should share this with my brother!" & I do

And other times I think, "No! Why should I share this with that fucker!?" & I hide in my room to eat it myself

This isn't determined by anything he did that day or whatever, it's just the random mood swings of being siblings. And I know for a fact he does the same thing.

Asmo's like this too. He's MC × Mammon's biggest supporter and when he thinks/finds out MC slept with Mammon he asks to be invited next time BUT he also wants MC all to himself

On the other hand, Lucifer & Mammon don't want to share MC with any of the others and are the two brothers who are the most obviously? visibly? in love with MC (remember they were the only two whose greatest desire was MC in Thirteen's cave) but are also willing to take a step back and entirely remove themselves from the equation if MC is obviously & actively in love with someone else

It's all just part of being siblings and randomly deciding Today I want to be particularly greedy and selfish which is usually paired with Today I want to be an asshole to my sibling

I'm such a fucking idiot, I found the "deleted ask" hidden deep in my drafts - apparently it went there when I lost my internet connection but instead of getting saved at the top of my drafts it got saved on the day anon first sent me the ask so somewhere in the middle between other drafts??? Anyway:

[divijohm]

Reader babysitting the child pastas

(Sally, Lazari, Cassiel the child demon and Lily Kenneth)

A/N: ANON I'M SORRY I GOT SO EXITED TO WRITE MY FIRST REQUEST THAT I POST WITHOUT FINISHING AND DELETED OUT OF PURE PANIC AND IMPULSE I'M SO SO SORRY. AHEM, Anyway I hope this is good enough :3 it's the first time I've heard of Cassiel, Lily Kenneth and Lazari so I did some research on them and I hope you like it

🍼 For starters, you do this often. I headcanon that if someone more "common" went to the slender mansion it would be to the sole purpose of maintenance (cooking, cleaning, babysitting etc) so the kids are used to be with you by now

🍼 TEA PARTYS!! Y'all LOVE to do tea partys. You'll help the kids rampage the kitchen in the search of sweets, juice and any other tasty food. And sometimes you'll even bake cookies

🍼 if you are male/masculine presenting Sally will take a lot of time to get used to you and trust you. Although if you're female/feminine presenting she'll trust you much more easily.

🍼 Lazari got attached to you pretty quickly, she loves spending time with you coloring and you're an older sibling to her. Due to the circumstances you'll help her get ~food~ from time to time

🍼 When you're feeling a bit more lazy to babysit, you gather them all in your room and y'all watch lots of movies in your bed, popcorn and other snacks included. This usually ends up with all of them asleep on top of you

🍼 I hc that all of the girls are between the ages of 6 and 9 so is pretty easy to make them get along but when they don't you do your best to entertain them separately, it's hard but rewarding

🍼 When enough trust is gained, you'll be part of their bed routines. You know, helping them out on choosing and putting pijamas, making sure they brush their teeth, tucking them in bed etc. You like this peaceful moment of staying by their side while their slowly fall asleep

🍼 THEATER SHOWS! Sally and Lily and particular LOVE throwing shows for you guys to watch, sometimes other pastas like LJ, Slender, Toby and EJ will join the public but normally it's just you and the child that didn't want to participate in the show

🍼 Because Lily likes to make dolls, you ended up teaching the other kids to sew some things too, now all the dolls will have a fashion show by the end of the month

🍼 You help homeschool them along with Ej

🍼 The four of them share a room and one time you helped them put glow in the dark stars in the ceiling of the room, now when it's raining and you can't go outside, you'll just close the room, turn off the lights and watch the ceiling stars :3

🍼 Picnics are a BIG thing for this girls, after a stressful day or if they behaved really well through the week you'll gather some stuff and make a cute picnic in the forest. They love it

🍼 TREEHOUSE???? TREEHOUSE!!!!! You ((with the help of Masky and Hoodie)) build the girls a treehouse near the mansion and it's HUGE, you made sure that it have electricity, 4 swings near the stairs, keys that the girls (and you ofc) could keep with them to lock the house, mattresses so they could trow a slumber party, a small chest to put toys and a small wardrobe so the mattresses and stuff could be stored so it doesn't get dust. Basically any children dream treehouse. Of course the girls helped build it too, landing itens to you and painting the house. Is a dream :)

🍼Despite everything, they are children and they do deserve a somewhat normal childhood and you'll do your best to ensure that they have that, creating fun memories and making sure they have someone who they can REALLY trust and look up as a parent of sorts

[sillystringsimpsons]

@legstheoctomobster asked some questions about Johnny's age regression and my headcanons around it. I drafted a respose and for some fucking reason tumblr posted my draft. I panicked and deleted it (STUPID!) but that meant I lost the ask so I'm just taggin him here

HEY...! There's a really cute little frankie/johnny quickfic at the end of this post that you should skip to and read even if you're not interested in the detailed response :3

ANYWAY… THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING… Your questions mean the world to me lil bro 👽

So basically, Johnny’s experience with age regression is very much based off my own, not only because writing from experience allows me to make it better, but also because I don’t really hear much from involuntary/older little age regressors like me and like be the representation you want to see I guess.

When Johnny regresses, he retreats to around eight years old, the age of the primary traumatic experience he underwent. His memories and knowledge aren’t impacted at all (though there may be a very short transitional period of dissociated between the mental ages where he more or less experiences amnesia), but his motor skills, behaviours, and cognitive processes are significantly altered; meaning he struggles to communicate, and coordinate, and make full sense of the world around him, even though he knows where he is and what he’s doing.

By virtue of the D’Amico family structure, the boys don’t interact directly with Fat Tony so much as they do the underboss, his son, Softfoot Mikey. Johnny isn’t only ashamed and confused, he’s also too scared to let anybody onto it; it’s sad, but seeing the way Louie is treated after developing a cognitive disability frightens him. He’s able to mask himself, so there have yet to be any moments where he fully shuts down and is unable to function; to the untrained eye, his regressions look more or less like simple mood swings, and they’re passed off by Mikey and his fellow capos as not being anything significant. Mikey is a little bit concerned, though; he’s not aware of what it actually is, but deep down he knows something is going on.

The only person in the family who really knows is Frankie; thankfully for Johnny, he finds out at the point in his character art where he’s learning to keep his mouth shut about certain things. It happens during one of their errrr get-togethers: Johnny is triggered without warning and naturally begins screaming and panicking at the fact that a man in his late thirties is trying to kiss him. He’s in an extremely vulnerable position, so he struggles to mask and is basically outed about his regression to Frankie: but the two share a nice little moment that I’ve actually drafted out:

“Fuck, Johnny, whats the matter with you?”

“What…? F-franky,” Johnny uttered in a high-pitched groan, seemingly prompted by Frankie’s casual swearing. “Franky, you’re not a’sposed to say that word. S’… S’isn’t a good word, yous going to have your t-tongue eatin’ by coff’roaches.”

The last statement was spat with such vindication and offence that it became immediately apparent that Johnny was genuinely in the belief that his soldier was going to have his tongue eaten by cockroaches for using profane language. The taller's strange behaviours didn't stop there, however; he removed himself from Francesco's hold with strangely small movements- a frantic little shuffle that wound him up on the other side of his mattress, huddled up against the headboard in a crouched position that seemed to be intended to shut himself from the other man.

"What… What the shit-"

"Franky," whined Johnny without hesitation, voice frantic: like he was going to break out in tears of distress at any second. "I say- Said you ain't a'sposed ta' dire parolacce!"

Before the other could even begin to process Johnny's continued odd behaviour, he was hit in the head with one of his caporegime's hard, yellowing pillows. With the deliverer seemingly forgetting his own strength, the bedding was thrown with such force that Frankie has the wind pushed from his lungs, and nearly fell off the corner of the bed that he was seated on. Evidently, that was far from his intention: Giovanni immediately gave a small 'eep', paired with a puppy-eyed look of guilt.

"Okay, okay, jeez- Sorry, Gio," muttered the soldato, completely bemused in the sudden change in his normally stoic bosses demeanour. "I won't say no swears."

"…Do ya' mean it?"

"Yeah. On my ma, honest."

"O-okay, I believe you… Franky? Why's we in our underpants?"

"Why's we in our...? W-wha- I don't- Is this, like, what? A joke? ...Oh, Jesus, are you tryna' tell me you don't wanna' let me bang you no more?" Habit kicked in, and Frankie immediately launched into one of his characteristic bouts of frantic oversharing. "Gio- Johnny, is it because I'm real loud? I know it's a lot, but time before last, you said you liked the way I, u-um, 'whimpered': and, and I'd still been nervous, thinkin' maybe you was just fibbing to make me feel better about myself- and that- that maybe you was only lettin' me hit because I'm the only other guy outside the Dingo who's swinging like this - I think: so I asked Connie, and she's been tellin' me that girls actually like guys who make some noise- Course', yous not a girl, I just-"

"What? No-! Ew! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, that is the most grossest thing I have ever heard, infinity times a billion!"

Giovanni threw his legs out from beneath him, kicking them around like a petulant child as he groaned quietly and covered both ears with cupped hands. His fingernails gripped so tightly into scalp, and he balled up his face so tightly at the Squealer's words that his face went a worryingly dark red. His partner immediately fell quiet at his borderline tantrum, eyes softening as he looked the panicking man over. Francesco wasn't quite sure exactly what was going on, but an unnamed realisation had clicked in his brain, and more or less. he understood that something beyond a normal breakdown was going on. With uncharacteristic quietude and hesitance, he shuffled a little closer to Tightlips, body language now geared inwards: as if he was trying to make himself less intimidating - and admittedly, less painfully half-naked.

"You ain't yourself right now, are you?"

"I don't know, Franky! Really, truly, honest to jeepers…"

"…T-that's okay, it's okay, you, um… You don't need to know." his words were inflicted upwards at their ends, as if they were questions, and he stuttered quietly as he spoke: all of it doing very little to hide the painful uncertainty in held his own actions. Frankie soldiered on, however, trying to work past his unsureness and get through to the frightened-looking Italian. "I, um, I reckon' you wanna' get dressed, don't you?"

"Uhhh… Yeah, yeh. Will you button my shirt for me, though, Franky? I'm not very much good with little buttons."

"What the- Nope, okay, it's okay; alright, uh- Y-yeah. Alright. I can help ya, Gio. Whatever ya' need right now."

they are... my life at this moment..

[uwukeres]

Re: Writing a massive CoD tea post

Disclaimer: I don't often write long posts on tumblr so my formatting may be way off here, so bare with me while I get my footing a bit. The original thread by @jazzybot4 that is (as of 24/7/23), on-going can be found here. This thread will be in response to all three parts, as I'm tired I've watching someone swing behind the genuine belief of misinformation. This post will primarily be in defense of @zyomih, as OP has made several claims against them that are backed up by little more than smoke and mirrors. jazzybot4 makes some points, such as the previous mod team mishandling some aspects of moderation, I won't argue with that; we were a small team that was fit to moderate a smaller server and not one that had over 1k members. However, where they lose me, and a lot of other folks is when they begin pointing the finger at @zyomih and saying that they are a "Generally unpleasant person, howling screaming tantrum throwing anti." who has apparently abused Leech (formerly known as Maggot-- I will more than likely alternate in between their names, as I knew them primarily as Maggot) and is heavily implied to have sent death threats, used a sock puppet to bypass blocks etc, etc. Lets start at the beginning, if you want to see the same handful of screenshots from the original twitter thread that OP reposts in every single part, use the link above. I'm tired of them rehashing the same two-three screenshots for their argument. Zyo's original posts can be found here (1) (2) and I encourage you to give them a thorough read through, and not just a light skim. (2) is where they first mention Leechknot, as can be seen below:

This is, and continues to be their only mention of Leech in the context of this drama. But, still the comments persist that Zyo is apparently disparaging Leech:

(Taken from the first posts comment section-- sort by oldest, and its the second or third response. This was in response to me asking when exactly in the first post they went word-for-word and proved-- anything really.) So lets take a look at their dm list on their main account:

This screenshot is their last interaction, which is dated June 27, 2023 which was the day of the server hand-over. They have exchanged no messages since-- and there are no deleted messages, as then there would be long-stretches where Leech was seemingly talking to themselves. Note: Leeches messages have been blacked out in order to not leak their private dm's. This screenshot was taken 2024/07/23 (Today) and is current with Leech's current profile picture. While I appreciate the faith you have in my friend to juggle several sock accounts to block evade/send death threats, its simply not true. Zyo has always been the type of person to say them directly. Lets make something clear, I'm not saying that Leech isn't receiving death threats at all; but I know for a fact that they aren't coming from Zyo. Yet still, Since you insist on being a pariah of truth and receipts (of which you don't provide yourself the majority of the time) here is their entire dm list from their only alt discord account (The 'Dart' dummy account):

This screenshot is, again, taken from 2024/07/23. The user on the top of the friends list is NOT another alt account, but a mutual friend. Their name has been blacked out for privacy. Something I wanted to highlight is the fact that NEITHER of these screenshots show any evidence of Zyo sending threats or any type of abuse towards Maggot. Moving on to the allegations that Zyo made and the latter half of comments which you ignore. You incorrectly identified what their main issues with the server are, and I'm assuming this is so you could strengthen your stance that Zyo is, for lack of a better term, full of shit.

Screenshot from the third post, and lets actually go line by line since you seem incapable of following the structure of your own posts. 1. "Hosting Illegal Content."-- This claim is made because the server hosts threads that talk, in detail about Rape and Sexual assault. These are not support threads, as it clearly states in the rules that there is no venting channels. There is no sexual assault depicted with these characters in the screenshot below, nor is there within Modern Warfare games with the exception of Ghosts comic backstory.

And, an accompanying list of those who were active within the top thread (Important note: Mod roles are defined by [Sgt.], [Lt.], [Cpt.] and [Cpl.]):

Which shows that mods were active within these threads. You are right, their unacceptable content list is well within the recommended list that Discord provides. However, underage nsfw has been shared there before:

--and that has a mod engaging positively with it. They are lenient when they come to their mod staff and their more well-respected members (AKA, those with a significant following.) An example of this is here, when a member is asked by a mod to not stream a game that may or may not have some SA undertones in it:

Which does imply a bias, which I don't think is fair to ignore. If you're going to base your entire arguement over accusing Zyo of acting in bad faith, its really pertinent to include the whole context, and not just cherry picking what does and doesn't work for your argument. I noticed in all of your posts, you've always neglected to approach the Underage aspect of the accusations. Which are, by the way, prohibited by Discord TOS:

I can hear the argument already, that members of the server are not trying to 'Normalize' child abuse. However, as the definition goes on to state-- "Do not post content or engage in conduct that in any way sexualizes children.... [in] any type of digital creation." Fanfiction, by law does count under digital creation. As well, if you look at the top of the screenshot from Discord, you can see the searching the phrase "Underage" yields about 55 results; if we assume that at least 5 of them are from mods asking for the content not to be there and at least one of them is dedicated to their unacceptable list, then that still leaves 49 instances of where the content was discussed in the server. 2. "Engaging in Censorship and Silencing pro-Palestine Activism."-- Once again, no, Zyo was not commenting on them silencing Pro-Palestine Activism. They stated (And their thread has been unrolled for a neater screenshot, the original can be found here):

Which is referencing this tweet where the mod-team asks @/aquasuperbat to remove their comment that Elliot Knight is a Zionist. Jazzy, you say in your first part that you will get back to these allegations later but you never do-- so for the record, Elliot Knight (Who plays Gaz) actively follows and has liked several pro-Israel posts on his twitter. A source is included above. Considering how exceptionally online most folks who are in fandom spaces are, Jellycakes more than likely went into it with the assumption that the original poster knew this, and still wanted to gush over him anyway. How does this relate back to Zyo though? From an outside perspective, the deletion of the comment made by @/aquasuperbat and the immediate deletion of the comment made by @/recentlydeceased implies that the mods are, in some aspects, uncomfortable talking about these topics. This is well within their right, however I'm not sure how they can adhere to the no-politics rule when they have allowed charity fundraisers for Palestine in their server. Is that not also inherently political? Or is it only against the rules when it goes against someone's favorite character? Musings aside, you also claim that 'Real' Silencing would have been mods outright deleting the comment without asking first. While not completely wrong, this also doesn't actually reflect what social silencing is; Silence Theory suggests that those who think that they hold the majority opinion are more comfortable expressing their thoughts and opinions. The mod team is comfortable with expressing that they don't want individuals discussing a current war in their server; their opinion holds the most weight since they are in a position of power; therefore their opinion is the majority. THAT is why the server comes off as being a bunch of Zionists, and why Zyo et al. took issue with the screenshots that were raised. So far, you have done nothing to disprove this fact. Rather your more comfortable with insulting them, calling them names and making baseless threats (ex. Threatening to go to the FBI for death threats Zyo has not made.). You've turned them into the architecture of a villain that you need to have in order to excuse the fact that Leech, for as good as a person as they seemed, still allowed Sexual Assault, Underage and suppressed folks who were Pro-Palestine. You attack their moderation style, for their organizing of a server that they passed along over a year ago. You call them an abuser based on what? Vibes? Because it sure as hell isn't evidence that you've shown-- and if it was as damning as your hyping it up to be, why wouldn't you show the evidence? You have constantly said that these accusations have no weight to them, when in reality it's just showing your lack of reading comprehension when it comes to anything over 100 words. Moreover, your moral posturing is laughable, embarrassing and screams of someone who wants to be the main character of a story that they were on the outskirts for. Take a step back, experience some whimsy in your life and accept the fact that you exist solely in a echo-chamber of people who are confirming your bias. I know you want to defend your friend, I get it, I really do-- I wouldn't be writing out this whole damn post if i didn't, but completing a character assassination on someone whose been mostly inactive in the cod fandom for the last year? Maybe I just don't get it because I haven't been active in the Cod Fandom for a while either, but I don't understand where you get off putting Zyo on blast for every small thing that they have ever done to apparently wrong both you and Leech. Just to reiterate: Zyo hasn't had any contact with Leech for almost a full year. If they wanted to get hateful on main, they would do it from main. They're not going to ban evade and hide behind a dozen different sock puppet accounts just to terrorize the lot of you. That's a significant effort for a dying server with a mod team whose views don't, and will probably never align with ours.

[resident-sean-expert]

(yes I already posted this yesterday but I deleted it, unintentionally 🙃)

Welcome to another episode of me overanalyzing side-characters !

I'll explain why I consider this scene to be one of the most fucked up moments of the show (wwdits shitty meta) :

(the scene lasts 1min 45)

TW : Child abuse ¦

(I probably extrapolated, it's just my personal interpretation)

So in short, Colin stole Sean's car, the man is not upset with the teenager, actually it's Laszlo who is really mad because it could have seriously pissed off his best friend; Sean initially sides with Colin.

S : "Look, uh, we all make mistakes. It's no big deal - Listen, he was just taking it for a little joyride."

So Sean is aware that it was basic teenagers' bullshit and isn't particularly upset about it. Guillermo prompts Colin to speak up.

As Colin starts to vent, Laszlo interrupts him, even insulting him, Sean tries to step in to calm the tension.

C : "You can't tell me why I grew a foot and a half overnight like a human radish."

L : "Listen, you ungrateful f*ck, you're giving me the pip."

S : "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa."

[...]

S : "Guys, guys, guys."

L : "All right, you cheeky f*ck." (to Colin)

S : "Things are getting a little too heated in here."

[...]

S : Okay, listen, my dad and I used to fight like this all the time ! And nothing good came from it ! You understand me ?

This exact moment particularly struck me.

The acting was so good, the emotions so sincere that the first time I saw this scene I had to pause it (because I felt really uncomfortable)

For me, it was 'young Seanie' who expressed himself here, not the adult man, look and tell me if it was not a fucking cry of distress from his "young self", he raised his voice when it was not necessary, like a child about to have a tantrum.

And for me the best detail of this scene : while Sean explains what solution he proposes for "settling differences" between Colin and Laszlo, just behind him, on the top of his shoulder, there is the head of the Devil Jersey, as if the demon on his shoulder whispered (bad) advice to him :

S : "Now, I'm gonna count down from three. When I say go, start swinging."

G : "Wait, what ?"

S : "First one to tap out, other one's head of the household."

Then he encourages Colin to make eye contact when he is clearly uncomfortable, the only one at ease is Laszlo.

Why force him to do eye contact ? So that Colin can see himself being punched in the face in high definition, wtf Sean

Laszlo was ready to hit Colin at that moment.

Only Guillermo reacted with GOOD SENSE ! And we are talking about one of the most unhinged characters of the show, even for him it was too much.

Since when ??! you encourage your best friend to beat up his "son" (as a parental figure), how messed up is that ?

And while Guillermo is holding them back on this shit, Sean exclaims "C'mon !" as if he's disappointed that it didn't happen.

Now we can ask ourselves why Sean would encourage his best friend to do something as stupid as hitting his child; I personally think it's because Sean has only developed unhealthy coping mechanisms (alcoholism, gambling)

It is implicitly nuanced that Sean was beaten up by his father on a regular basis, and probably in the face (no wonder he resisted to the brain scramblies, it was already pudding before/hj)

//

Let's face it, Colin would never have had time to react if Laszlo had decided to hit him.

I think that at this point, Sean wanted to be a spectator, he wanted to revisit unconsciously the violence that he himself had suffered when he was younger but this time from an external point of view.

After all Laszlo loves Colin Robinson deeply, and it is even Sean who reassured Colin about that during the Pine Barrens episode.

S : You know, you're lucky to have a guy like Lasz - taking care of you.

C : I guess. Sometimes I think that Lazzo doesn't like me so much.

S : Are you kidding me ? He loves you.

So if Sean saw Laszlo beating his son in front of his eyes, maybe he would have had the confirmation that his own father loved him, that his father beat him, but that it was a 'sign of love' in the end.

Sean never learn to communicate properly (hence the dysfunctional marriage with his wife) and when he had to argue with his father, it ended in violence (with fists)

//

Sean was forced at a very young age to take on a role that he wasn't supposed to be, in this case the fight that was supposed to take place between Colin and Laszlo was to determine who would be "head of the household."

Colin here is a teenager, he should not have all the responsibilities expected of an adult, but it seems that Sean at the same age had to undergo it (he wasn't allowed to watch PBS, at 14 he killed his first deer (let him jerk off instead of forcing him to hunt srs 😭) , Sean seems to have never experienced a childhood that a 14yo is supposed to have.

At a minimum he had the decency to say "First one to tap out" indicating that if Colin gave up and didn't want to fight anymore, he at least had a way out. I doubt Sean had that same chance, and I think he must have been knocked out many times.

Sean's response to problems is usually to give up or violence (e.g. when he threatens Guillermo "to ream him" after he thought he made a homophobic remark)

Sean is deep down emotional but has never been able to express his emotions in a healthy way, seeing Lasz's love and attachment to teen Colin, he saw before his eyes what he missed during his childhood to build himself psychologically.

In reality, he is not inclined to violence, he even hoped that Baby Colin would only be violent towards walls :

The only times Sean almost cried were when he offered the Jade necklace to his wife :

[...] talking about his favorite movie series which is probably the only valid excuse he has for crying as a 'real masculine man yk', not supposed to be fragile or to show emotions :

He was a neglected and abused child and I think that during this scene he almost indirectly succeeded in repeating the cycle of abuse he suffered from, but by projection this time.

So I just wonder, if Colin had been knocked out by Laszlo (without having the time to "tap out"), how Sean would have reacted afterwards.

Seeing with an outside eye himself (teen Colin) lying on the ground.

Would he have been angry at Laszlo, at himself, at Teen Colin for not being strong enough ?

I leave you with his thoughts :)

Conclusion : get Sean a fucking therapy.

[sleepy-crypt1d]

X Reader Fic Requests are open!

I want to get back into the swing of writing and buff up my skills while I'm at it whilst in the lull between larger fic projects, so here i am! plus i love doing requests lol

This is mainly for male x readers! Are you a guy who barely has any x reader fics to read??? This is the place for you! :D

Fandoms I am most comfortable writing in:

Borderlands - willing to write for any of the games.

Subnautica - willing to write for any of the games.

Inscryption

Portal - willing to write for any of the games.

Fandoms I will take some requests for but have not written much in:

Stardew Valley

Dialtown

Outlast - only willing to write for Outlast 1 and The Whistleblower DLC.

Watch Dogs - willing to write for any of the games.

If you have questions about what characters I'm willing to write for, or other fandoms I might be willing to write for, just ask! Don't be scared to haunt my inbox :3

I WILL write smut, angst, or fluff! Hurt/comfort? Awesome. Sick fic? Awesome. Omegaverse? Sure, why not. All pain no comfort? Amazing.

(Also please please please only request smut if you are an adult, there's no real way for me to check this so I'm going off the honor system here, PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST SMUT IF YOU ARE UNDER 18!!! Wanna ask for fluff or angst? Awesome! Nothing more.)

I will NOT write non-con, underage, or incest. Dub-con is alright depending on what it is. Again, if you have a question, just ask!

I WILL write poly relationships!

I WILL write AUs! modern AU? Cool! Switched roles AU? Let's do it! Things go differently? Sure!

Now, getting to how to request! (putting it under the cut so the post doesn't get too long ;w;)

Message me through my inbox! Anon is on, don't worry <3

Tell me what you're looking for! Whether it's angst, fluff, or smut! Alongside specific kinks, moments you'd like to happen, established traumas, and established relationship statuses.

Also tell me if you the reader have anything specific that needs to be added. Disabled? Trans? Mobility aid? Top? Bottom? Lemme know!

Give me character, what fandom, and if you have any particular headcanons you'd like to be incorporated. I will default to canon personalities and appearances, alongside story lines and backstories, if you want something changed, tell me! :D

You can be as detailed or as simple as you want. You can give me something with a rough outline or a simple 'they have a bad day lol' and I will do my best to work with it.

I will be posting about these fics once I write them! I will answer your ask with the link to the fic alongside the summary and tags for easy access to finding it.

I won't have a specific word count or timeline for writing, since some ideas I'll have more motivation for and when I have time/energy to write is sporadic at best.

Do not send more than one message for the same request. Have multiple different ideas? That's okay! But please keep it to one message per request or group them into one bigger message!

I think that's everything! I will be deleting this post once requests are closed, but if I enjoy doing this enough I will open them again at some point probably idk :3

[ncrosha]

independent && selective josh "elixir" foley of marvel 616. this blog will contain themes of child soldiers, death, trauma, mental illness, medical horror, body horror, and more.

CONDUCT & CONTENT.

this is an 18+ blog as i am an adult and do not feel comfortable writing with minors! nothing against ya'll, i just need space for me. more rules later when my brain brains better.

i love conflict and complexity in roleplay. the messier and worse they are at communication, the more invested i am in them trying to work it out. this extends to ships too.

josh has a lot of feelings. this is kind of a problem as he's also always deeply in them and has a bad habit of being wrong about whose to blame and what to do about it. he categorically and consistently makes the worst choice in any given situation, has a mess of unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with a shitton of trauma, and swings between wanting to blame everybody and nobody for his problems. he is wrong and i will not be offended if your muse yells at him about it.

ACTIVITY.

i love to send random asks to mutuals. these are sometimes from your meme tag, but are most often scenes in media res that just popped into my head. if you're down to receive those, like this post! you're always welcome to turn them into a thread.

i'm currently trying out this fun new thing called a work-life balance, so we'll see how that impacts my activity. when i'm active i'm very active and reply very quickly, but my blogs will sometimes go dormant when my work gets busy. i either reply at lightning speed or get swept up and go a week or two without any activity.

i hoarde all asks in my inbox and reply to them when inspiration strikes. nothing is ever deleted. but you may find something you asked years ago is suddenly answered.

verses.

dc verse.

[adonis-koo]

When I started binge reading Wicked many, many months ago, I sent in very long detailed asks almost every single day for each chapter as I was reading it. And I don't recall any of them getting answered. Maybe one or two. When I review a story or a chapter, sometimes it takes me like 45 minutes to put all my thoughts into an ask. I spend a lot of time on it. Eventually I started to realize I was wasting all that time sending in asks when they weren't being responded to. I was looking for the interaction with you. I wanted to have conversations about the story. It was very disappointing to me, and I felt like my thoughts and feelings on each chapter weren't wanted. So I stopped after awhile and just binge read the rest of it to bring me current with your last update. I think it stopped on Chapter 12 or 13. I left likes as I always do. I'm pretty sure I reblogged it at some point. So now I'm kind of confused that you're asking for readers to send in asks but mine never got responded to for some reason. I know tumblr eats asks, but it couldn't have eaten every single one of mine. Like I said, I was sending in asks just about every single day. I hope this ask doesn't come off as harsh, but I wanted to let you know how frustrated I was when I first started reading and it didn't seem like you had any interest in interacting with me. I very much enjoy talking with writers about their stories.

While it may have left a bad taste in my mouth, I still continue to read Wicked, and I have loved every single second of it. It's one of my favorite stories on tumblr. I am more than happy to go back to reviewing all your chapters. But it would be nice to see my asks responded to. Just like you as a writer crave interaction with your readers, I as a reader crave interaction with the writers of the stories I'm reading. There is nothing better to me than having a conversation about a story I love. So if you're interested in interacting with me on future chapters, let me know, and I will happily go back to reviewing.

First of all, I would like to truly apologize for not replying to your asks, I did dig a little and I was only able to find one ask that is an absolute shame to not respond too, as I had an entire reply in my head and was very excited to answer, but I can only assume I got caught up with something else that demanded my attention (outside of this blog), I do remember answering your asks before and can only assume some may have been eaten.

Here’s the thing; my blog vastly swings between an overwhelming number of people interacting to absolutely no interaction at all, I have very few people (and I heavily appreciate those who I do have) who consistently send in asks whom go by an alias or an actual blog that I can identify as regular. It’s just being jarring to watch, because then it makes me wonder if my chapter wasn’t well received, or the quality declined, or anything and everything that could make one chapter blow up and the very next a week later, completely bomb.

I have become very conscious of asks slipping through the cracks, and I’ve tried the last three or so chapters to make a conscious effort to answer everything single one before I post another chapter, to try and make sure nobody is feeling left out or slipping through the cracks.

I would also like to mention that me vocalizing this issue entirely excludes people who have reblogged my work, even if someone has only ever sent in one ask for an entire series is completely acceptable for me, just something. And even if I never do respond to asks just know that I never delete them because I’m a sentimental person and I still become nostalgic and go back and re-read them like it’s my first time receiving them.

I will always appreciate and feel the love of someone when they send me their words about how I personally impacted them with my writing and I will always cherish it, even if I end up forgetting to reply, or it somehow got stuck in my draft because I never fully finished my thought, or if it was buried and unable to be answered before the next chapter was posted. I cherish, every, single, one.

I am truly sorry that you felt frustrated and had a bitter taste in your mouth for me as a writer, it truly wasn’t my intention. That being said, I don’t really feel like I’m entitled to ask you to start reviewing my work again when my lack of consistency was the reason you stopped.

And when I think about it, I guess I don’t really have the entitlement to ask anyone to interact with me, after all, this is a hobby I do for free, I have to continually remind myself that this is something I chose to do because I want too, not because I have too.

I truly do thank you for the support you’ve sent to me and I really am sorry that I disappointed you as a reader, I hope you continue to enjoy Wicked and I appreciate that you spoke about your experience to me ❤️

[fratricideknight]

(not posting the usernames on the off chance you two get harassed. tell me if you want me to delete)

i'm not gonna delve into the tendency of fandom to ignore platonic relationships and aspec headcanons - but that part is unequivocally true. nor am i gonna talk in depth about acephobia and arophobia because that's too giant a topic for a little spn blog like me - but that is also unequivocally a thing. i'm just gonna talk about wincest.

i have a weird relationship with wincest. i swing from liking it, to being ambivalent about it, to straight up despising it, and back again. overall, i’d say that it is a ship which exists. i lean more towards liking it, because i just love sam and dean together so much, but i’m afraid i simply find it inferior to platonic samdean - which should be a widely used term, btw. please start using samdean platonically, too; all samdean enjoyers should form a coalition! that said, the honest majority of fics i read these days to get my samdean fix are wincest, since there are far fewer genfics than slash fics, and not many of these genfics are unhinged to my liking. i either pretend it’s platonic or, if that’s not really possible, just enjoy it as it is. so, i’m supremely grateful to wincest content creators <3 you are the loves of my life i am giving you all a big warm hug right now

i can see why people would ship wincest, on multiple levels. sam and dean are just an amazing pairing, in whatever form that takes; j2 are very hot guys; the show really doesn’t hold back on the incest subtext, and i don’t blame people for wanting to explore it in fanon. again, it’s just a ship that exists to me, and whose content creators i appreciate. probably my biggest gripe with it is the way an unfortunate amount of ‘wincest moments’ and analysis hinge on amanonormativity. i can generally just ignore the copious amounts of romantic moments and banging when reading one of the aforementioned wincest fics, but when i read something like, “Obviously there’s something more going on; no one can love their brother that much without wanting to kiss and fuck him!” i just… have to take a breather. i hate it so much. please, please do some research into amanonormativity. i do not blame you at all for shipping wincest, but if your reasoning is “they’re closer than most siblings” then i do blame you, i’m afraid. yes, they are extremely, undeniably weird, and closer than most siblings. does this mean they are/want to be romantically or sexually involved? no. i’m going to quote @brotherwives in saying, “I’d say that it actually cheapens the intensity of their bond,” because they’re just so right. i’m sure people have their reasons for shipping it, though, and i respect that; please keep the unhinged content coming, i love you. and i get that a lot of wincest shippers appreciate gencest, as well...

i just. hearing that some ppl - including wincest shippers - are weird about gencest is mind-blowing to me. i invite more people to enjoy the insanity of gencest, bc in my opinion it's just so damn great. brothers being insane about each other not in a "normal" brotherly way but also not in an incestuous sense?? they straddle the line between two things by just being unapologetically insane about each other?? a serve. THE serve. not to mention weirdcest - platonic kink, whatever form it takes - is so much fun!! like they know they're not "normal" but they aren't into each other, either?? and there's no textbook guide on how the hell they're supposed to act under these circumstances?? like "incest is wrong" is pretty much universally accepted, but what about platonically biting your brother's neck to stake a claim on him bc you can't stand the thought of anyone else ever taking him away from you, whether that be a romantic partner or a friend or the devil himself. you can still have that incest guilt without it actually being incest, you can still delve into the horrific familial enmeshment. imho it's literally the best possible thing.

i'm not aspec, btw, and i'm not trying to hail myself as the ally of all time by mentioning that lmaoo. i'm just saying. it's completely possible to enjoy platonic relationships and enjoy aspec headcanons (*cough* aro dean!!! *cough*) whether you're aspec or not. platonic relationships aren't appreciated enough, when, in my opinion, they're actually more interesting... romance is generally clear-cut, but that area where the lines of "friends" blur?? trying to navigate the fact that you care more about your friend or sibling or whoever than your romantic partner, and it will probably always be that way?? venturing into queerplatonic relationship territory without knowing what the hell that is or how to explain it, just knowing that you will gladly throw every convention off a steep cliff to live with your platonic life partner(s)?? yes.

in case this wasn't clear: i do NOT hate wincesties in any way, you guys are like my siblings. yeah, maybe we squabble and disagree on stuff, but at the end of the day we are different iterations of the same genes and i love you all <3 (please no one make any dumb incest jokes about that analogy) like i said, we should form a coalition and take back the spn fandom

[misscammiedawn]

When you tag as #dawnposting or #cammieposting, is that like the difference between top/bottom posting? Or am I totally wrong there?

I have long feared the day I would need to explain this. I knew it would have to happen, even if I put in my quick explanation in my Masterpost.

The last time I had spoken on this topic on Twitter I got some severe anon hate for it and it did a little bit of harm to me. I would prefer not to emulate that experience. It was discomforting.

I shall post the easily digestible short version here and then a long version under readmore.

Quickly spoken, yes. That's correct. When I type from the perspective of a somft sweet morsel who yearns I am Cammie Posting. When I am posting from the perspective of someone who likes to pull hair, bite necks and listen to a partner whimper against me as my lips brush their earlobe and I order them to BEG. - That's Dawn Posting.

Then there's Camden Posting which could easily be renamed BPD Posting.

But I guess we have the long version under readmore...

So let's talk dissociative disorders and "plurality". With the caveat that I still consider myself a pwBPD with mood swings that happen to have easily definable names and behaviors.

I am no expert and though I have plural friends, I distance myself from the plural community and their resources because I refuse the label. I find it a complicated relationship and the syscourse does me more harm than any amount of external acceptance, which my brain would reject as bias, could ever do.

So... I 100% have BPD. That's TRIPLE confirmed at this point. BPD is on the dissociative disorder spectrum. It doesn't matter if you're using DES-II, MID or the interview. BPD is there.

...and therapists just... don't seem to ever give folx with BPD a test to see where they are on that spectrum for some reason? Despite Identity Disturbance and Dissociation being 2 of the 9 criteria. I suffer both. Unambiguously. That I know.

Dissociative Experience Scale rates between PTSD, cPTSD, BPD, OSDD and DID. There is so much more to these things than just "multiple personalities" (there's somatic experiences, amnesia barriers, fugue experiences and so much more) and I'm not about to go sharing my physical symptoms because it's none of anyone's business and I hide that shit from people I live with. But I am aware of the depths of this thing... even when parts of me insist otherwise.

And the cause is known, too... Regardless of where on the scale I land, I am on that scale.

So the question is. Do I count as OSDD-1 on top of or instead of my BPD? I do not know. I have expressed as much as I am able to my therapist and they are monitoring me. But they refuse to talk to me about it, likely for fear of shifting the results. I refuse to chase up on it because, plainly spoken, it near about broke me to raise the topic once. I am not going to force myself to talk about it again.

An issue with it is though that it's a covert illness and fights to keep itself hidden. 80% of the time I think I am an attention seeking monster who deserves to be exposed, hurt and exiled. I hate that I indulge in this delusion and just want my therapist to say "YOU ARE FAKING." And be done with it. Luckily I'm presently in that 20% sweet spot and intend to do everything in my power to not delete the post once shared.

So, if I am so defensive and in denial, why am I having myself checked up and utilizing tags which seem to imply I have decided I am?

...and that... is a question that most of me is still struggling with. However, the long story short is, someone I love removed my ability to run from it.

I beg indulgence in not going over the childhood stuff. The earliest signs. I cannot even tell those I trust half of these things and I surely would not care to introduce them to the zeitgeist.

What I shall say, starting in my early 20s, is that I am, as a human being, TERRIFIED of sex (I'll leave it up to your imagination as to why) and I was married in an apparently cishet relationship with an allosexual for 11 years (my journals and a surprisingly large stack of evidence suggests. I was quite aware of my transgender and asexual labels even that early, but I hid them from myself and my partner. Which--- given all I am typing, sounds familiar).

Now here comes the complicating factor that not even my therapist knows how to navigate around. The reason I don't enjoy talking about this stuff and avoid the plural community. HYPNOSIS FETISH PERSONALITY PLAY.

It is so easy to type "I have never had sex outside of an altered headspace". It's so easy to type "My first hypnotist was an abusive asshole who developed entire headspaces for me to inhabit in order to serve him and one was a demure submissive gentile girl and the other was a firm and bold dominant who was unstoppable and he kept me in those headspaces for 7+ years, programming switches to keep my "normal" self unaware of my activities." It is easy to type "I taught my wife how easily and readily my brain can and will switch into "character" headspaces and so in order to have sex with a partner who was incapable of doing it, we worked together to summon our tabletop characters from my soul for kink purposes"

It gets complicated when I try to take those things in the past and apply it to Out Of Scene stuff. It's important to bring it up. I think the fact that I have no memory of engaging in sex with my partner over the course of our 11 year marriage is a VERY IMPORTANT THING to bring up in these discussions. But it was self-inflicted. So...

To put on my educator cap for a moment, I shall remind that this is why one must practice safety when engaging in physical or psychological edgeplay and perhaps you should, as a traumatized person, avoid abusing loopholes to trick their way into doing things that regularly would cause them to completely shut down. Heavens the younger version of myself was a stupid child. But she loved her wife. She wanted to be the person that she needed to be. She was willing to literally cast herself aside in order to do that.

Now, outside of scene, well? Was I fine? Was I rigid and firm and knowing who I am?

No. I had already mentioned Identity Disturbance, remember? I have journal entries from 2003 where I say that I "play myself as a character", I have ones from 2005 where I equate the idea of a voice in my head having the scent of lavender and my mother's voice... and while dating and married I had a soft and sweet affectionate mode "Kitty". It's what she called me. The immature and silly little girl. Nothing like the firm and hard boss who existed at work where I ran a market and handled a staff. Miss Manager, as a friend referred to her as.

Then you have me. The one who has an insatiable hypnosis fetish while dealing with a fear of sex. Someone who wants too pin people down to beds and hear them whimper when the very thought of doing that elicits such shame that I collapse in on myself and try to delete my accounts. I shamefully admit I have succeeded more times than I care to count.

Incidentally the existence of journals going back to 2003 offers some mild evidence of its own. Especially the huge gaps where I had deleted chatlogs and entries and pushed things away.

Sad to say I am hardly the healthiest or most adjusted human.

It's interesting to read my journals from the era of my divorce. There are so many obvious signs of it. Moments I was in "flow state" and was the person I wanted to be for a little bit, or the moments I got a sudden rush of Power and used it to control someone I was flirting with.

Within my marriage, I was well and truly hidden and any attempt to step outside of the bounds of the relationship was to be treated internally as cheating, shameful, awful. Outside of my marriage it was freeing, liberating. It was exploration of my new found ability to interact within fetish communities, my new found comfort within my gender expression and as that comfort grew, my ability to do what I do grew.

And so ignorant of my circumstances, I, collectively, began to rely on "me" - in plural terms "Camden started wanting to be Dawn". And that isn't how any of this works. I would soon find out I couldn't just activate what, at the time, I called "Strong Mode". It doesn't just turn on when I need it to. It needs to happen naturally when the mood and vibes are right. But I was growing closer to Sleepyhead and she had a way of drawing it out of me so I was starting to get comfortable doing that. Being that. Becoming that. Not via a hypnosis scene, as would happen in my marriage, but just by intention. Internalizing that those characters were me and I am capable of doing what they do.

Incidentally I have chatlog from that abusive hypnotist who turned me into his recruitment doll. My typing style shifted when I was "in character" and it matches how I present now. Which was truly terrifying to recognize, particularly as decades had robbed from me memories of the shady depths of which he had pushed me in that arrangement.

There had been so many reactions of "wait, I could do that?" Even in the early days. I do not understand how abilities that only exist in one headspace work, but I also know I lost my ability to run a movie theatre a lot. But surely I was just tired, or distracted or having an "off" day.

Any time I was struggling against it I simply rationalized. When I ended a fun evening with my friends and realized how much of an immature and playful idiot I had been the entire night I would be flooded with shame for how I had acted. I would often complain that no one got to see who I am in an empty room because once other people are there I "turn into a completely different person"

Which, again, is just BPD. That's BPD. I'm describing BPD.

Which brings us to the Acceptance Arc, where I stop hiding behind BPD and start accepting that I may be fractured.

I had started dating Daja this year. I have enough knowledge at this point to be able to predict myself. So when setting boundaries, warnings and limits I discussed heavily and openly the bounds of my, then diagnosed, BPD and how my moods change at random.

Because the mood shifts are something I had internalized by this point. I knew that I would just become emotionally disengaged from a scene at random. I was inconsistent. Unreliable. Dare I say "broken".

I warned her that during a scene I was topping I could lose "that energy" and just disengage and that it wouldn't be her fault. It just happens.

When we met and had started play, our friendship was at least 11 years old, she took care and attention to watch me in my different "Modes" and she had not just recognized them but she could see the differences. When and where the shifts occurred. How it impacted me to be called by different names at different times.

There had been moments in the proceeding years where Sleepyhead had accidentally gotten it right and it made me giddy. Moments where I noticed myself acting "In a mood" while driving and needed to have myself "pull the breaks".

But this was the first time someone looked in my eyes, saw what was happening in my head and commented on it for me. During a scene with Dawn, Daja reached out and brushed her cheek tenderly and the emotion melted as a shift in tempo occurred and she knew before anything was said that I had "lost" myself and was in a different place now.

That weekend she paid attention and learned me in ways I honestly feel undeserving of. It seems unfair to rely that heavily on another person. But no matter my mood, no matter my manner; she SAW me. Called me by my name(s) and... suddenly I couldn't hide anymore.

How can you tell that feeling that wells in your heart when what's happening inside is what's seen outside? Up until then I just felt insane. The incongruity was just part of being alive.

When I am in a certain headspace, I am consumed by self-doubt and paranoia. I know myself to be delusional. Irrational. Manipulative. Thus I cannot trust myself and if I cannot trust myself I trust everyone else and go with their views of me. Which fits in with the BPD catalogue, anyway. I adapt to my surroundings. Become what I am perceived to be. Because I need other people to perceive me in order to be.

So... I try to mirror someone who holds a mirror to me? I can't escape what I see and what I see is contradictory and it is pleased to hear its own name and it wants things which it knows it cannot have.

...and that makes things tough. Because now here I am, slowly accepting myself as a fractured individual. Someone who compartmentalized her sexual desires vs her fear and hatred of sex. As someone who yearns to be cared for vs someone who has experienced homelessness and refuses to allow ourselves to rely on another person in order to survive. As someone who wants to push people away vs someone who wants to hold them close. As someone who wants to die vs someone who wants to live. As someone who wants to live openly and embrace the term plural vs someone who wants to repress it and reject it and hide.

I keep telling myself I am not allowed to openly "embrace" myself until I receive a diagnosis and my present therapist seems rather uninterested in exploring the possibility. They gave me a DES-II and did not even comment on the results. I feel toyed with by someone who refuses to engage or educate, as if I am stuck with a caseworker whose job is to report to insurance so I may get my surgery and medication. It is frustrating.

I use the tags because I know the joy I feel when Daja calls me by the right names. I use the tags because I do not want to feel like the actions and opinions of myself as Dawn should impact the way Cammie is perceived. I use the tags because it flies under the radar and lets me express without stating a truth. I use the tags because I like to know Daja can see me, even when I post online.

And to be honest? I wrote all of that above because I'd convinced myself no one would click the readmore and I'd be safe just pretending to be "Sub, Domme and Mentally Ill" tags.

Anyway. I shared way more than I'm comfortable with. I'll suppress the urge to delete it after I press post.

Update: Hey! I'm not ready to talk about it publicly but you'll never GUESS what I got diagnosed this year >.>;;;

[bucketofbugz]

OSC Masterpost

Aka the post that connects all my object show things. Great, huh?

I don't have very much posted for the osc yet, honestly. Sure I've been in the FANDOM since 2015 but I've only been posting about it on tumblr for a few months.

If I wasn't afraid of connecting my Wattpad to my Tumblr I'd have a lot more links for this one. But that isn't happening. So I'll just have to deal with this being like 1/10th of the size of my tmnt post.

My largest interest in the OSC as of right now is Inanimate Insanity. HfjONE follows up pretty close, though.

Tags:

osc Inanimate Insanity BFDI - BFDIA - TPOT hfjONE

I have a couple aus, too!!:

II x Grounded- Final 12 of season 2 are shrunk down and sent to the island where season 1 and season 2 take place. They gotta figure out how to get big again and go home. Oh yeah. Also has a full highschool au and the-show-never-happened au in the background. Kinda. Important to know. Also the final 5 of season 1 are there but shhhh Bfdi swap au- bfdi except I swap Evil Leafy and Loser and also I swap Leafy and Winner. I had to create an entirely new plot for bfdi and its subsequent seasons. Do you know how much of bfdia changes if Leafy doesn't show up to interrupt Bubble and Pin's swinging? DO YOU KNOW????? Bowtiebulb au- A really old au of mine, recently refueled by both the "Taco considered working with Lightbulb for like 7 seconds" and "if Fan found out about Taco and had to keep quiet it would probably drive a rift between him and Test Tube" answers from Brian. Microphone gets eliminated instead of Soap, Lightbulb wanders into to forest while looking for bottle caps, runs into Taco, and Taco decides that the only way to keep her quiet is to convince her to work with her. Instead of Knife finding out about them, it's Fan!!! Voiceovers- In 2022 I did a couple TikTok videos where I just took a bunch of II2 clips and improvised new dialogue in a voiceover and it started getting unnecessarily complicated lore. I only ended up posting two of them but I made a lot more videos that just stayed in my camera roll until I deleted them. The main bit was Paintbrush having the pay for everyone's therapy and Baseball having a huge crush on Nickel that Nickel didn't realize.

I'm a multishipper and rarepair lover in pretty much every fandom I'm in, but it is SUPER bad with the osc. You could take two random characters and show them to me and I could probably get behind it. For example, I created the ship Losevi. Which is. Loser x Evil Leafy. If that gives you any insight as to what I mean here. (WHY did I make it? Well, it all started when I wanted to make a bfb x sanders sides au---") Funny thing that's kinda related to this

[nightmares-voicemail]

The Harlequin, what kind of person are you hoping your next partner will be like?

The Harlequin

"Uh, tough question. Honestly being partnered up with someone was one of the main things I was afraid of about this mission... not like I'd want to do this kind of thing alone, but other people aren't... my strong suit, so to speak. Well, I'm less afraid now, whoever it's going to be the next one, they can only be better than Catastrophe.

"So, in an ideal scenario? For teamwork, the best would be someone with whom our strengths and weaknesses complement each other. I guess... my biggest flaw is probably how I swing between extremes. I mean, I'm either very-very cautious or throw caution in the wind completely and go all out. Like every decision is a life-or-death scenario and once I'm in a situation, the only way out I can see is through... Uh, not saying that's a bad thing, but. Guess it would be good to have someone on my side who can balance it out a bit?

"Someone who is brave, but will take a second and think for the best solution before jumping. Someone who will stop and look for a way around, instead of pushing until their last breath in an impossible scenario. Someone who can snap me out of this weird tunnel vision when I...

"No, wait. They'll be there to save the world, not to coddle me when I freak out. Can we just delete that last sentence?"

Wisp

Nope! Smashing the post button.

[void-galaxy-healing-journey]

Pinned Post

¡Hey hi hello! My name is Nico, & we’re the Void Galaxy. We’re a traumagenic D.I.D. system. This blog is just for original content, especially realizations we’ve had along our healing journey.

I might add FAQs later on, but until then, have some info on me/us to start this new blog up ☺💜 ~Nico

⛓️⛓️⛓️⛓️

Gender:

Collective Identity: transgender + non binary (variations between headmates on fem or masc, but none of us are women, even our fem enbies are not women)

Collective Pronouns: he/they/xey on paper, but if used in good faith we accept some alternate pronouns

Collective Gender Expression: androgynous overall, but sometimes we go more intentionally fem or masc

Personal Identity (Nico): boyflux / masc nonbinary

Personal Pronouns: (Nico): he/they + a list of neo & old English pronouns (I have a list)

Gender Expression (Nico): varies day to day tbh. some days I'm intentionally androgynous but my Safe Outfit™ (tism) is relatively masc (t-shirt, button down, form-fitting sweatpants; t-shirt is a plural pride one).

⛓️

¿Transition?:

Social: Yes, already did 5+ years ago

Medical: on T (May 2nd 2023), want surgeries for ourself, but don’t believe it’s obligatory for others. also I/we want the body to look intersex because that’s what it was supposed to be, so we’re not aiming for cisman appearance.

Legal: In progress. Name changed, but want to update gender marker & birth certificate when possible.

((we don’t believe any of this is necessary to be trans or nonbinary, just comfortable sharing what we wanted to/are doing for ourself))

⛓️

LGBA+/Queerness:

Collective Orientation: “I dunno, queer? leaning t4t?” (difficult to generalize)

Personal Orientation (Nico): technically I lean t4t & I’m still aspec (demi/demiro; T shifted us a little further from full acearo territory but not out of aspec entirely), but simply put ‘no matter what your gender is, I’m gay for you’

Polyam/Non-Mono/Mono: Polyam collectively, but how many partners we individually attract to/would date varies

⛓️

Physical Disabilities:

⛓️

Mental Illness/Disabilities & Neurodivergence (AKA what we’re growing & healing through/may post about):

Autism/ADHD: Both, & both are professionally diagnosed (finally 😭) - includes Sensory Processing Disorder

Professionally Diagnosed: bipolar disorder (we only noticed depression thanks to amnesia & slower swings, until psychiatrist dx & medicated); complex PTSD (on paper as just PTSD because complex isn't in the DSM-V (hopefully will be in the next rendition)); Dissociative Identity Disorder/D.I.D. (or as Spirit (headmate) puts it (combining OSDD-1 & D.I.D.), ‘Dissociative Amnesia with Plurality’)

Diagnosis/Professional Investigation In Progress: eating disorder (unspecified); anxiety disorder (unspecified); synesthesia

⛓️

General Rules:

- Hateful replies will be deleted & blocked

- Hateful asks, anon or otherwise, will be deleted & blocked. This doesn’t include poorly worded questions attempting to understand.

- Ask box is open to questions, even if you don’t think you can word it respectfully. If you’re wondering it, someone else may be too. We will decide whether to answer & what’s comfortable, so you don’t need to quiet your curiosity. (We may do ask games if requested later on.)

- This is a personal blog. None of this is to be taken as professional advice, & we can’t diagnose people. That said, if you think you might have something we have, it’s okay to ask about potential coping skills for symptoms/traits you struggle with & it’s okay to ask what next steps to take if you just found out you’re plural or neurodivergent. Please note that our advice will likely include ‘please go to a medical/mental health professional if you can’ (we do understand that financial, racial, or other socioeconomic barriers might stop you).

- You can ask us for song recommendations if desired, but we won’t be responsible for feelings that music gives you if you choose to ask or listen.

- We can’t and won’t share or boost donation posts on this blog. This is a space for us to share original content & our healing journey. Please do not ask. We don’t think you deserve to suffer or struggle, but we cannot help.

- We are not responsible for misunderstandings of any of our content. We post what we feel & think. You read through your own lenses, & may miss pieces or interpret unintended meanings.

- Not everything that traumatized us will traumatize others. PTSD forms due to surrounding circumstances as well. Many of our “small”/“inconsequential” traumas became PTSD because we did not have community, support, love, appropriate attention, etc. afterwards. In some cases we were outright gaslit, shamed, guilt tripped, invalidated, &/or minimized. No, you don’t have to be traumatized by the same things. We won’t accept invalidation here either.

⛓️⛓️⛓️⛓️

[mercysought]

   “WHERE IS SHE?” she loud shouts came quickly, as was the reaction from not only from the Aurum guards outside (who allowed the stomping man to walk straight into her office) but as well from Livius who stood beside her on the desk “WHERE THE FUCK IS THE HALF-BREED BITCH?!“

The paper that he waved around in his right hand was familiar, as was the bright red expression of pure rage on Marcus Aurum’s face. It seemed that he had finally felt the shoe drop, so to speak. Maxima gets up from her desk, green eyes moving from the paper back to her brother.

   “YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THIS?!” he barks, the paper crumpling under the stress of his fist.

The paper, Maxima assumed, was the letter of summoning to which army post he would be assigned to. An army post that a document had requested. The same post that the deceased Faustus Aurum, had started his very successful career in.

A broken heart can lead you to do the most inmaginable things. Especially one that is never able to heal after having so much disappointment. A document that Maxima had enchanted to be and look different, and that Marcus had signed.

   “I will fucking KILL YOU—“

The force spell made her desk shake, the papers thrown to the air as the man’s body lounges forward. The impact shifts the wood, the sound of it softened by the heavy rug. Maxima takes a step back and left behind are three mirror images which shatter into bright pink and purple shards of glass. It is in an invisible state that she moves behind him. A blade drawn in her hand. Purple lightening weaving its way around thin fingers, tainting the gold around the fingers with its neon hue. Only for Livius to jump in action.

You can disable a body without causing harm. A firmly placed hit and even the largest brute can be left unmoving to the ground with nothing but needles prickling at their skin. Marcus was not a large man, nor was he a trained one beyond the norm within Tevinter Society.

Livius strikes without hesitation. Firm, accurate.

Marcus falls to the ground, grunting. Maxima reappears in the room, a few steps to the left from where her illusions had been. The shackles that Livius now placed against her half-sibling’s body were familiar to her; after all, she had ordered them specifically.

Maxima marches towards where he lay, bound, her hand closed into a fist. Her  blade thrown over to her desk. When Marcus lifts his head to face her, her fist dives down hitting him on the mouth.

The crunching sound echos through the room.

It is a sound that would have made Maxima cringe, and yet behind green eyes there is no light. There is no sign of hesitance. There is only a snarl, and a fist that rises once again.

   “CALL ME THAT AGAIN!” his face is down and if she was to see it, she would see that there is blood in her rings. Blood over the neat and carefully set jewels atop the bands. Her heart beats loudly, roaring at her ear “GO ON!” from beneath the robes, her foot comes out, crashing against against his ribs. Air is exhaled and Marcus starts falling to the side, caught only by the magister’s hand, pulling his hair to look up “DO IT!”

His eyes roll and she feels disgust roaring with a force of thunder from within her throat.

She wants to kill him.

Her hand releases him, and she lowers herself, bending her knees to stand beside the bound Aurum. He stares up at her with an ire that she herself feels roaring within her lungs. To think this man shared her blood made her skin crawl, though that was not because of him. Marcus Aurum was far too insignificant for that, but because of their common link.

Marcus had said often that she had killed his father’s legacy.  She thought good. And she would die happy knowing that it had been a filfthy half-bred bitch that had been the only and main hand in it. She would build atop his bones and they would all follow her bidding.

   “After the shit you pulled,” her voice is but a whisper. Soft, cool despite the anger that simmered beneath. Her tongue lashes against her teeth, in the sharpness of her lips and in the dead within deep, dark green eyes “you should be standing beside me” she looks over her shoulder, towards the dark oak wooden desk. The sun behind it with the curtains pulled is so bright that it completely washes out the garden. A pile of papers is now on the floor, the wood sipping of the ink that had been spilled “by my desk, all but content to serve this family. To serve me.” she pauses, looking back to Marcus whose dark eyes, so similar to hers, try to read hers. Her thoughts.

His lip is starting to bloom, swell. If Maxima’s fist hurts, she does not feel it. There is just her heartbeat, the slight shake of the hands that are now closed into fists against her bent knees. They both stand levelled; a grace that she had never been afforded, not until returning to Tevinter “Nothing to be concerned about, no dreams, no connection to the fade, no hate, no feelings. Nothing.”

Nothing.

That seemed like a fair fate for him. A man that had made her life an absolute hell since she had returned to this cursed land. A man that had undermined her at each chance. A man that had made it clear to all others in their blood line within this household that it was a fine thing to treat her like she was just another piece of their property. A pretty mask brought North by his father. A man whose actions and mouth had lead her to dealing with blackmail from the only person that she had wished to never find out about any of this.

She would find a way of using her connection to the Archon, to twist it in her favour. One way or another.

   “Do you know what that is called in the South, Marcus? What they do to mages when they can no longer be controlled?” Her red lips curl as she rises. The click of her heels is drowned by the heavy fur rug.

The silence settles in the room. With a flicker of her wrist the papers float in the air, once again returning to their proper place atop her desk, fluttering like white doves that came to rest in the warm sunlight.

There were people even this far north that would provide such services. There were people that would be more than happy to make her happy, and if this made her happy… Well… An act of aggression against a Magister outside of the grounds of a duel was often enough…

   “Lady Maxima?” Livius looks up to the Magister, holding Marcus by the shackles behind his back.

Maxima looks over her shoulder, picking up the spilled ink pot. The mess is cleaned easily enough, the stain remained in the wood. She sighs loudly, eyes opening once again and now focusing on the garden just outside of the closed, large windows.

She was not a monster.

Regardless of how much she wanted to see him defanged. His blood on the floor. His existence reduced to not even a footnote in the history books. Still Maxima thought: She was not a monster.

And yet how much she felt like scratching that itch. Death would be too kind, and too easy.

   “Take Lord Marcus to one of the cells.” she finally says, turning around on her desk but not looking over her shoulder towards them. She could hear the shingling of the shackles, the grunts of effort “I think Marcus Aurum needs a couple of days to remember his duty,” she finally turns around the corner, sitting over her chair as the figures leave her office “and my generosity.”