#( I ORIGINALLY INTENDED THIS TO BE MORE OF A CONFLICT BUT THIS HAPPENED INSTEAD )

[clochanam]

she's a highly self-aware hypocrite this evening. in fact, it had made for quite the energetic dish-washing session after dinner had concluded. scrubbing plates with such focus that kate had eventually decided to step back and help anthony put edward to bed. she'd spent twenty minutes bouncing between confusion, frustration, self-reflection, then back around, again and again until the last spoon was tucked away and she found herself facing the ultimate conclusion.

she'd fucked up.

she kept her secrets, too. the company, moira, eoin, fiachra. even ajay's existence, and edgar's brief sentence of imprisonment in the pantry, two key features in her life, had never been discussed with ophelia. and it was fine! better than, really, because relationships are allowed to have some secrets. especially when the truth could hurt the unwitting listener.

but that doesn't stop her from bringing it up when phee turns the key in the door. idiot that she is, aisling attempts to communicate the complexity of secrets and privacy in a bond as intimate as theirs. in fact, what she actually says is significantly more accusatory ( " i know you have your secrets. " i mean, jesus, aisling, seriously? she's content to kick herself for such a stupid introduction for at least six months. ) even though she stumbles frantically for a more reassuring recovery. but phee looks at her with that same steady tranquility that stops her from groaning and giving up on her stupid speech, and speaks with a simple, matter-of-fact tone that soothes the panic in her mind.

it doesn't concern you. that's why i didn't tell you.

" yeah. " relief floods her mind, and she instinctively reaches for her hand. incredible, how @theresastargirl finds a way to communicate so clearly in ten words what aisling failed to achieve with a thousand. thumb running over her knuckles, aisling raises them to press a tender kiss, then nods slightly. " just... you know you can come to me if you need help. okay? promise that you won't take it on alone. because you're not alone. and you never will be ever again. "

[cafelattaes]

beat you at your own game | hrj

summary : y/n has a crush on renjun, who's not that great with people. despite his standoffish nature, she makes an effort to be friendly. but things take a twist when she starts to ignore him.

pairing : renjun x fem!reader

genre : college au, romance, fluff, angst

word count : 3.5k

huang renjun, how exactly would you describe him? well, for starters, he can be a bit cranky. he's all about having his own space, not a fan of dragging things out, and gets things done in a flash. he’s also straightforward and not afraid to speak his mind. people have mixed feelings about him because of it. but oddly enough, it only adds to his charm, making people naturally drawn to him, much to his 'i'd-rather-not' demeanor.

needless to say, you just had to develop a crush on someone who’s the total opposite of you. you’re a people-pleaser; you’d much rather say things that would please others rather than express your genuine thoughts. confrontations make you uncomfortable, and you lean towards making excuses for those who hurt you on purpose. you also always try to avoid conflicts as much as you can, and resort to suffering in silence instead. you're trying to change that aspect about yourself, but you grew up having those traits, making it hard to break free. nevertheless, you're working on it.

you never intended to let renjun know about your feelings, but your friends were determined to embarrass you whenever he was around, constantly teasing you. it didn't help that despite not being close to renjun and his group, some of them were friends with your close friends, so they eventually joined in poking fun at your crush. one day, you decided to dismiss their incessant teasing and initiated a friendly conversation with renjun. at first, he responded out of courtesy. you weren't stupid though; you could tell that renjun was clearly fed up with his friends and wanted nothing to do with their antics.

he began to dislike being associated with you, offering only short responses and not acknowledging your presence more than necessary. you didn’t pay it much mind, since getting close to him wasn't your original goal. your aim was to ease the awkwardness and shed the embarrassment that accompanied your interactions. you happened to share some classes with renjun, coincidentally, those were the ones where both your friends weren't around. sitting next to him became a default habit, as he was the only familiar face in those particular classes.

one morning, you found yourself running late for your 8am class, prompting you to dash before your professor arrived. you accidentally collided with renjun, who happened to be holding an iced coffee. to your horror, more than half of the drink ended up spilling onto his shirt.

“oh my god, renjun, i’m so sorry!” you looked at him in fear, and it took everything in him to remain calm.

“why are you running around a busy hallway?”

“i’m really, really sorry. i’m late for my first class and i didn’t think i’d bump into anyone.” renjun let out an annoyed sigh.

“whatever.”

“wait!” you opened your bag to bring out your alcohol and wipes. “do you need them?”

“no, thank you.” he proceeded to walk past you, but you held onto his arm.

“what about the stain?”

“i have a spare shirt. can you let me go now? i thought you said you were late.”

“shoot, you’re right. i’m sorry again, i promise i’ll make it up to you!” you shouted as you ran.

“please don’t,” he grumbled.

later on, you found renjun at the library working on your assignments. you sat quietly next to him and began doing your own. he didn’t spare you a look and just carried on with his work. you spent a few hours completing them, and both of you got it done at the same time. as you got up to gather your things, you spoke to the boy beside you.

“renjun, do you have anything to do after this?”

“no.”

“there’s this new diner that just opened up nearby. do you want to check it out? my friends have prior commitments, and i wanted to make it up to you for spilling your coffee earlier.” you already knew he was going to refuse, but it wouldn’t hurt to still ask.

“sorry, i’ll have to pass. i need to get home quickly.” you nodded in understanding and smiled at him.

“no biggie. take care on your way home!”

“thanks,” he simply said before leaving.

“so, what's the deal with you and y/n?" jaemin asked in a teasing tone. "any progress? are you going out already?” renjun scowled.

“shut up. i want her to back off, honestly.”

“you want everyone to back off.” jaemin pointed out.

“yeah, but most especially y/n.”

jaemin's eyebrows knitted together. “uh, why do you sound so annoyed with her?”

“because she's annoying. i turned her down multiple times, but she can’t take a hint. nothing’s worse than someone who forces themselves on others.”

“relax, man. aren't you being a bit harsh? you’ll see that she’s nice if you give her a chance.”

“what exactly is nice about her being fixated on me? this is mostly your fault, you know. if you guys weren’t such busybodies, she wouldn’t be so pushy.”

you walked away from the scene, ensuring they didn’t notice your presence. you wiped away the lone tear that involuntary fell from your eye. it wasn’t often that you heard someone openly talk about their obvious dislike of you, and hearing it from the person you were supposed to like was quite disheartening. it wasn't your intention to impose your presence on him or force a connection that wasn't meant to be. you reckoned it was time to reevaluate your feelings and accept the need to let go of your futile crush on renjun, sparing both of you from any further confusion or misunderstandings.

renjun had grown accustomed to spotting you in your regular seat during your shared class. however, he was met with surprise when he noticed you had moved to a vacant seat considerably distant from your usual spot next to him. he was a bit confused at first, but chose not to dwell on it. he also noted that you didn't notice his entrance into the room, as you were engrossed in some task.

you continued to maintain a distance in your next classes with renjun. he was uncertain if you were oblivious to his presence or deliberately avoiding acknowledgement, given the lack of glances his way. he found it a bit strange that you refrained from initiating any form of interaction, but he didn’t mind. he thought he felt better. at least, for now.

however, renjun was not expecting your odd behavior to persist. it brought another surprise when you ignored him again the following day. even when your eyes accidentally locked for a second, you quickly averted your gaze. renjun wasn’t sure if you really didn’t see him or were just pretending not to. you weren’t wearing your glasses, and your eyesight wasn't the best. but even if you did ignore him on purpose, he didn’t mind… or did he?

it’s been a while since you stopped talking to renjun. at first, he thought he felt a sense of relief, thinking it gave him some space. but after a week, he was confused about why you suddenly stopped. the following week, he could feel his stomach churning seeing you leave class, secretly hoping you’d look back. then, the week after that, he felt a wave of anger because there were more than a few times he bumped into you purposely to get you to talk to him, but you did not utter any word other than a quiet apology. now, nearly a month later, he started to feel dejected because no matter what he did, you always acted like he wasn't even there. renjun wasn’t sure what he did wrong to make you so determined in avoiding him completely.

“renjun’s going through 5 stages of grief,” jaemin said with a smirk.

“what are you talking about?” haechan looked at him in confusion.

“y/n’s been ignoring him for a month.”

“WHAT? WHY?” jaemin shrugged.

“no idea. we’re not close enough for me to ask.”

“what about jeno?”

“he doesn’t want to pry.”

“maybe she got tired of renjun’s grumpy attitude,” chenle piped up.

“could be,” jaemin turned to the boy in question. “look at him, he’s miserable.”

“shut up,” renjun muttered in discontent.

“stop provoking him. it’s his first heartbreak,” chenle taunted, making renjun roll his eyes at their ridiculousness.

“you know you could just talk to her right? ask what’s going on?”

“if she wanted to talk, she would’ve reached out to me by now,” renjun said flatly. his friends could only shake their heads in disapproval.

“don’t be stupid.”

“and i’m begging all of you to mind your own business.”

“if you keep this up, you’ll end up in a situation you can’t fix.”

haechan nodded vigorously. “yeah, don't say we didn't warn you!”

you kept quiet about what you had overheard from renjun in the last month, choosing not to share the details with your friends. you figured they would eventually notice renjun's absence from your life, and when they finally asked you about it, you dismissed their probing questions. you casually informed them that your crush on him had simply faded after getting to know him better. you were quite good at making believable lies, they were convinced by it and dropped the topic quickly.

unexpectedly, renjun sought you out in an empty classroom to confront you about your sudden disconnection. you looked like a deer caught in headlights when you realized who had just entered, walking in long and quick strides to your direction. in your mind, you were already conjuring up excuses to explain yourself.

“why are you ignoring me?” his question broke the silence, leaving you with no room to escape.

so much for attempting to evade this confrontation.

you took a moment to gather your thoughts, unsure how to respond. you tried to conceal your distress as renjun stared down at you while waiting for you to talk. it seemed like he was determined to stand his ground, expecting you to tell him the truth. with a frustrated sigh, you finally spoke up.

“i’m just staying out of your way,” you said after a moment of silence.

“yeah, so why?” his voice was demanding, it ticked you off a little.

you questioned why you were initially afraid of renjun confronting you and why you bothered coming up with excuses. after all, it wasn't his place to interrogate you when you were simply doing what he seemed to want from the start.

“i don’t know why you’re asking. isn’t that what you want? you should be happy.” you began to gather your things so you can leave, but you heard him speak again.

“i never told you to avoid me. if you have a problem with me, just say it.”

“you're right, you never told me directly. you just told other people.”

“what are you talking about?” you turned to face him.

“renjun, i don’t get you. you push me away, you're openly annoyed by me, and you tell everyone you want me gone. now that i’m doing exactly that, you’re still upset with me? what’s your problem?”

renjun ran a hand through his hair, frustration evident. “stop speaking in riddles and just tell me what's going on."

“fine. last month, i was passing by the library and i overheard you talking to your friends. you were complaining about how i couldn't take a hint and how you wanted me to leave you alone.” renjun looked a bit puzzled at first. when you were about to walk away, his eyes widened in realization.

“no, y/n, i’m so sorry, i didn’t mean any of what i said-“ you shook your head lightly at his predictable response.

“don’t be. you were completely right, and i’m not even angry about it. i just don’t want to do anything with you anymore.”

“please, listen," renjun said, his voice urgent. "i blurted out those things in the heat of the moment. i regret it, especially now that i know you were there to hear it… it’s not how i really feel about you."

“it’s okay, renjun. i didn’t tell you all of this to get an apology. i’m only telling you why i’m doing what i’m doing, like you asked, and to make it clear that i’m done.” as you turned to leave, renjun stepped in front of you, blocking your path.

“hear me out, alright? i was being overly sensitive back then. my friends were pushing my buttons, and i didn't know how to handle it so i lashed out. i treated you unfairly and you didn’t deserve any of that. a month without you made me realize a few things. i had to confront what i really want and face some truths i'd been avoiding."

he paused, studying your face before continuing. “i miss spending time with you, y/n. and... well, i realized i've got feelings for you, more than i thought. it never crossed my mind that you'd actually distance yourself and it hit me hard. the idea of losing you if you choose to walk away made me lose my mind.”

your heart raced as he spoke, and his confession stirred up a mix of emotions. your confusion lingered, but you decided to reason through it, pushing aside the sincerity in his eyes as you gave him a skeptical look.

“are you… getting your feelings confused with something else? did you consider that maybe your mind is playing tricks on you and making you think you like me because you're used to others chasing after you?”

renjun winced, trying to ignore the implied criticism. it was a struggle for him to open up about his feelings, only for the girl he liked to question it and suggest that he couldn't understand his own emotions.

“i wouldn't be here asking why you've been avoiding me and opening up like this if i hadn't thought it through." he said quietly. "it might be hard to believe right now, but if you give me a chance, i can prove it to you."

“i don’t think this is a good idea,” you said, watching his face fall. he felt lost, trying to find the right words to convince you. taking a deep breath, he gently placed his hands on your shoulders, meeting your eyes.

“please, just give me a chance to make things right. i feel like i've wasted so much time.” the desperation in his voice was clear. still skeptical, you removed his hands as they fell down to your arms.

“i’ll think about it,” you said, turning to walk away, leaving a lingering sense of uncertainty in the air.

renjun’s friends had been observing him for a few days, and he’s become unusually quiet. they contemplated asking him what’s wrong, but they wanted to give him some space. it was glaringly obvious that something was bothering him, and he didn’t want to talk about it. jeno couldn't help but express his concern.

"renjun, you've been awfully quiet lately. everything alright?"

"yeah, i'm fine. just dealing with some stuff." jeno and jaemin exchanged knowing glances.

"we're here whenever you're ready to talk." jaemin assured, patting his back.

he had been feeling down since your conversation days ago. your words had been weighing on his mind and creating an internal turmoil. the fact that you continued to ignored him in all your classes didn't offer much comfort. renjun couldn't help but cast a longing look in your direction whenever he saw you. he wondered if there was a way to make things right, or if he had to live with the consequences of his past actions.

meanwhile, his confession has been replaying in your mind. the idea of him reciprocating your feelings caught you off guard; it was something you never saw coming. after some contemplation, it became apparent to you that renjun really felt apologetic and was filled with remorse. could it be that he genuinely likes you? even if that was the case, you're still unsure whether it's the right move to start something with him.

maybe i should stop overthinking this.

you took a deep breath before releasing a loud sigh, unaware that the boy who had been occupying your thoughts, stood right in front of you.

“y/n,” you looked up to see renjun. you waited for him to speak, but it seemed like he was having a mental struggle, debating whether to say what was on his mind. he mustered up the courage to ask if you were willing to give him a chance. staring at him with an unreadable expression, he didn't know how to interpret the situation. was it a bad time to talk?

“why?” you finally asked. although renjun was hesitant, he answered.

“i was wondering if you already thought about what i said? i mean… i can wait if you need more time.”

“if i say no, are you going to leave me alone?” your heart sank a little when his face fell.

he took a moment before responding. his voice barely above a whisper. “if that’s what you want... i guess i would have to."

“renjun,” you said, causing him to look up.

“yeah?”

“let’s give it a try.” his expression became hopeful.

“really?”

“yes," you nodded. "you said you liked me back, i'm choosing to believe that for now. just... don't let me down."

“i won’t," he promised, a smile slowly spreading across his face.

before you could react, renjun pulled you into a warm embrace. you found yourself returning the hug, allowing yourself to relax in his arms.

"thank you for giving me a chance," he murmured, his words muffled against your hair but filled with sincerity.

“i’m happy for them, really," giselle said, eyeing you and renjun across the room. "but watching those two make heart eyes at each other is sickening."

chenle snorted. "this is nothing. you should see renjun at the dorm."

the group's attention snapped to him. "oh?" karina prompted.

“let's just say personal space is not in his vocabulary anymore."

“huh… i would've expected y/n to be the clingy one."

“yeah, no. but i guess it makes sense, considering how he acted before."

giselle and karina exchanged amused glances, intrigued by the dynamic between you and renjun.

"amazing what a change of heart can do," jaemin mused.

karina nodded, a hint of approval in her voice. "guess he learned his lesson."

the group watched you and renjun for a moment longer, a mix of amusement and fondness in their expressions. it was clear that renjun had undergone a significant change in the way he acts toward you, transforming his initial aloofness to this new, affectionate version of himself.

“i have the dorm to myself this weekend.” renjun said, a hint of mischief in his eyes.

you raised an eyebrow. “and what exactly are you suggesting?”

“you know…” he trailed off, his look suggestive.

“i’m studying for finals," you replied flatly.

“exactly. i find myself more productive when i’m with you.”

“right. because we get so much done when we study together."

“don't you want my hugs and kisses?” he pouted.

“not when i’m trying to pass my classes.”

“i'll behave, i promise.”

“you always say that. i don’t believe you anymore.” renjun's pout deepened. cute.

“maybe i wouldn't be so clingy if you paid more attention to me. you’re always busy, you don’t have time for your boyfriend.”

“renjun, unlike you, i have to put in extra effort to get good grades. i’m not as smart as you are.”

“excuses.” he mumbled.

you rolled your eyes, but couldn't help smiling. “you’re so adorable,” you cooed, giving him a quick peck. “i never imagined you to be the clingy type.”

“baby, there's a lot of things you don’t know about me.” he said, his voice lowering.

“oh? like what?”

he leaned in close. “like how great i am with my hands."

your eyebrows shot up. "is that so?"

“yeah. apparently, i give one heck of a shoulder massage,” he finished with a grin.

you burst out laughing at his endearing silliness. the sound of your laughter made renjun pause. he watched you, a soft smile spreading across his face. suddenly, he felt an overwhelming surge of happiness. taking your hand gently in his, he pressed a kiss to your fingertips, capturing your attention and prompting you to look at him.

"you make me feel the happiest," he said softly. "i love you."

your heart skipped a beat, the euphoria of hearing those three words from him for the first time washing over you. it hit you then - this unexpected journey with renjun had led you somewhere you never imagined. he, too, held the key to your happiness.

“i love you too," you whispered back.

you closed the distance between you two and your lips met his. as he wrapped an arm around your waist, you let yourself fall to his embrace, deepening the kiss.

renjun was met with the realization that while you fell for him first, he descended later, but with an intensity that surpassed a thousand falls.

[skyartworkzzz]

Cult of the Goat rambling

Came up with some lore ideas, gonna put it here til Im able to draw it out!

Also mixing up with @lenorblr 's idea of the Old Gods still being around! (bless u again for sharing this with me <3 )

So, as Ive estabilished before, this universe is like a Fell version of COTL to me But how do we make an universe already quite spooky edgier? By alterning the GOOD things that happened in it What if those things did not happen?

Yk how Shamura was the one responsible for showing a world of wisdom to Narinder, until he carried on with it greedily and got punished for it? What if Shamura was the one on board with it but not Narinder? Given that the morals are reversed here, I think Narinder would be the kindest out of all the other Bishops, meaning that hed probably be the one to empathize and be able to recognize recklessness the best Shamura got all the Bishops on their side, but once Narinder expressed disdain for where their plans were going, they all sealed him away into his own domain

Since the Old Gods would still be around, the Bishops would be at constant war with them while trying to maintain their power over their own Lands (I like to think that since these are Gods we are talking about, itd be a bigass territorial and devotional conflict) So naturally, the world got much gloomier and dangerous than usual, the monsters became more terrifying and the biomes grew more traitorous, it is incredibly hard to survive in this world if u are not within the Bishops' domain/kingdom walls. Anyone outside of it cannot be trusted

NOW WHERE DOES THE GOAT COME IN THIS: Instead of being sacrificed in order to appease Narinder, the goats are sacrificed in order to empower the Bishops, which have been looking for ways to become stronger to face the Gods, so naturally these species quickly came to extinction until The Goat was the only one left

When they were executed, just as originally, their soul was transported to Narinders domain, and there they became his vessel

ALAS and however, instead of intending to free himself for the sake of power, Narinder wishes to be free in order to stop his siblings since he is the only one who can. So in order to do that, he makes the Goat his vessel and asks for a cult to be started in his name; the more devotion, the more powerful he grows, until inevitably the Goat has to lay down their own life

Now les say u could choose whether ud want to or not: If you lay down your life, the Goat is murdered and Narinder is fred, therefore implying he escapes his prison and went on to battle against his siblings As an extra, if this were to be game-esque, I imagine a post or pre-credits scene where the Goat can be seen walking into the afterlife with all the others of their kind welcoming them in

If you don’t lay down your life, the Goat offers themselves to become Narinder’s literal vessel. They would go back to the world of the living while possessed by Narinders aura, and thats how theyd beat the Bishops all at once

Once the battle is over, Narinder projects himself out as their shadow and expresses how reckless but brave they were, also pointing out that he is rather impressed by how resistent of a vessel they ended up being Narinder then warns about now being trapped inside of the Goats body and that they have consequently made themselves the new God of Death, given that they now possess Narinders powers. The Goat accepts such fate and is allowed to continue as a cult leader

So in the end, we have a Gods Vessel with their divine living inside their mind and body, both holding custody of the Crowns power like a single person And still having to face the Old Gods but thats for later brainstormi-

Eventually I think if there were to be a Mystic Seller, they would be responsible for freeing Narinder from the Goats body and giving him a mortal carcass. Before it was done tho, the MS wouldve likely warned both about their powers: Narinder would have to be reborn as a mortal in order to be his own person again, since the Crown cannot sit upon 2 brows, unless the Goat would be willing to sacrifice themselves which- hm. I think if this was once again in a game-style - before the options would show up to us - Narinder would interrupt to say he agrees with his condition Honestly I think he would be pretty chill with that LMAO just like “welp Ive done my part already, now its time to retire”, or be like “you wear the Crown well, u should keep it” @ the Goat, so he is revived and made into a follower with no personal problems

IK SOME OF THESE THINGS STILL DONT MATCH Ill likely play around with these ideas and doodle it out to test waters, BUT YEAH thats my interpretations thus far x’D

Hope yall like it! Thank chu for reading <3

[cyanidas]

⚠️SHSL Detective ! Kazuichi Souda 🕵️‍♂️

I'm hoping to make a small series of fun lil sprite edits with my talentswap AU that scrambles the talents of Class 77 and Class 78, and has its own weird lil story to go with it

(someday I'll think of a cool shorthand title. maybe. perhaps. as a treat. i would also like to write this story someday... we will see, since evidently im allergic to projects)

Headcanons? Headcanons for Detective Souda?

(also a lil comparison between this one and normal Kazu, and some AU info)

For this AU, characters' original body types, general interests/inclinations, and much of their personality is intact - the only parts of their personality that change are things influenced by their line of work alone. A lot of who we are and who we become tends to be influenced by our interests, which in turn is influenced by our upbringing, which also influences who we are... but I intend to keep the characters as close to how they are outside of their original talents as possible.

This AU also swaps the end twists between the 1st and 2nd games, and in some way keeps original relationships (like Makoto and Kyoko's partnership, and Souda's inclination towards Sonia). Some personality aspects are allowed to bloom or forced into hiding, depending on the upbringing I imagine would have been needed to allow these talents to shine within them and rise to Ultimate status.

ok Souda Headcanon Time:

The teeth are actually natural - he has a disorder which effects a number of things but especially effects his teeth, which are sharp as a result (something that evidently exists?? tho i forget the name, and it's not as perfect as drawn here ofc but.)

I think og-Souda would have a great skincare routine, one that Detective Souda lacks, since he never gained the motivation nor inspiration to care more about his appearance in front of others. So, he has some zits.

When he was very young, he was living with his father in their bike shop, but his dad went too far one night. A worried neighbor called authorities on them after witnessing his dad's aggression. At some point, the situation tips over, and Kazu's removed from his father's custody.

The detective investigating his father's abuse took care of him, and eventually adopted him after his dad was incarcerated. New Dad was not physically abusive, and genuinely cared for his new son, but due to his line of work he wound up kind of a sad sack of a person, so he's still a pretty cringefail/wetkitten father figure.

Kazuichi would accidentally stumble across his files around the house, and witnessed far more corpses than he likely should have as a child. Terrified at first, he eventually suppressed his fears in favor of trying to become a stronger person, and insisted on applying himself to learn his caretaker's line of work... inadvertently witnessing even more death and dying than he should have, from a young age.

As a young teen, he took interest in therapy and self care, and came to realize his trauma regarding his father and his guardian / upbringing. New Dad has his full love and respect and he tries to change for his son. This kind of expands Kazu's self-respect a little, while adding new depths to his hatred/fear of violence and conflict.

Due to his new caretaker, he never went to the same schools, and lost his original friends as a result - so he doesn't suffer from the same trust issues as OG-Souda, and as a result, easily clings to the people around him and allows himself to get lost in his head a tad more often than OG.

He specializes in forensic investigative work, because his brain is still wired better for calculations, spatial reasoning, and mathematical speculation.

He also still loves learning about how things work, and now, he's especially interested in how things have happened / come to be - finding satisfaction in analyzing evidence, instead of reverse-engineering parts/machines.

He even still has a mild interest in mechanics! But he is firmly convinced that being handy and technical is nothing to boast about.

He is also now convinced that he wouldn't make a good repairman/mechanic/engineer, anything of the sort. Part of this apprehension is due to his hatred of his father.

He is still pretty timid, and jumps easily at any sudden or loud noise, is afraid of the paranormal, gets upset easily when socializing, and feels terrified when there is any perceived threat.

However, death and dead bodies are some of the things that no longer frighten him. Upset, sure, but nothing like OG-Souda. He sees dead bodies as objects to investigate and solve, as opposed to feeling the horror of seeing a deceased fellow human, or feeling too overwhelmed if it's someone he knew. Because of this, it's easy for him to get lost in his work and feel totally disconnected while investigating.

[lurking-gyomei-fan]

Yakuza!Hashira AU Thoughts

This has been floating in my head for a very long time and I finally compiled my thoughts on what role would each Hashira play if they were in a yakuza group. ...I also didn't research too heavily into the actual structure of the yakuza so please don't come at me for that lol Feel free to use these ideas also, but I'd love to read or see what you do with them.

Beware of long post- don't say I didn't warn you.

These ideas play more into the chivalry aspect of Yakuza. The government has too much red tape and is unable to enforce any meaningful rules or changes in the community.  They also cannot be mobilized as fast as the yakuza, who often take matters into their own hands to provide immediate results.  The government/police view the other yakuza and the underworld as a necessary evil and impossible to truly eradicate, and would much rather deal with the Ubuyashiki's group because they are much more reasonable...but every once in a while they need to be reminded why the Ubuyashiki Group has lasted for centuries.

The Ubuyashiki group is an old, powerful group in the Underworld, but not the oldest- that would belong to the 12 Kizuki group that is run by Muzan Kibutsuji.  The Ubuyashiki group was a sub sect of the Kizuki group a century ago, but in a violent and bloody revolt, they separated and ruled over a different area instead.  They have clashed multiple times throughout history, but time and modern technology has mellowed out their conflict into a small but intense rivalry. 

Ubuyashiki clan: 

Kagaya Ubuyashiki: The sickly but charismatic head of the clan, assisted by his wife Amane who steps in during days when he is too sick.  (Please note that Kagaya is older for the sake of this AU.)

Usually women are not held in high regard amongst yakuza, but in the Ubuyashiki clan, women are treated as equal.  Amane is a true partner and extension of Kagaya’s will. Between Kagaya’s incredible foresight and direction, and Amane’s poise and organization, they have built the Ubuyashiki clan to its strongest point in its entire history.   Other Yakuza clans have tried to slow the explosive growth of their clan by dismissing Amane during meetings when she is present, but she is fiercely defended by all of the Hashira. 

Gyomei-  Second in command; Punishment / Rule enforcer.   He is the external representative when it's too dangerous for Lady Amane to fill in for Kagaya.   When Kagaya is present, he acts as the main bodyguard. He is the most trusted confidant for both Amane and Kagaya, and will occasionally watch their kids so they can have a date within the compound. 

Gyomei had grown up in an orphanage where food was regularly witheld as a form as punishment, and funds were embezzled to fund the principal's lavish lifestyle. Gyomei relied heavily on religion to give hope to the other children and stay strong in the cruel environment they lived in. Gyomei would often go hungry to give food to the smaller kids, and used his tall build to physically shield them when the adults would vent out their frustrations on them. It was during such a night when one of the "caretakers" was in a violent, drunken spree and Gyomei was forced into a life or death situation. In that moment, he chose to save the children and himself-and beat the attacker to death with his bare hands.

Ubuyashiki's group happened to arrive that evening, intending to collect the gambling debts of the principal and other staff, even ready to charge a higher rate after discovering the origin of the funds and the extent of the abuse- but walked into a homicide scene instead. Kagaya sensed the physical and emotional strength within Gyomei, who had resolved himself to be turned in to the police for his crime, and convinced Gyomei to join his group in exchange for taking over the management of the orphanage and covering up the death of the caretaker.

10 years later, he is akin to a judge with the highest level of authority within the Group (other than Kagaya and Amane) to decide how punishment is to be rendered or how a high level conflict is to be resolved, especially for internal matters or people within their own organization. Despite his intimidating presence and powerful frame, he is patient and fair. He is diligently follows the laws that Kagaya put in place, and continues to be pious despite the sometimes gruesome nature of his job. He has a large, intricate tattoo of a serene Buddha on his back.

Sanemi- main external punishment enforcer.  In charge of handling external conflicts with rival groups, or hunting down people with outstanding debts to the group. Leads the most violent group and is well known on the streets and instantly recognizable from all the scars he has gained from the many fights he had been involved in through the years. Sanemi also has connections with the police department via Genya, who works for the police department with his friends, Tanjiro, Zenitsu, and Inosuke. 

Sanemi was desperate to keep his family afloat after the death of his abusive father and taking care of his mother, who had become mentally unwell. Sanemi had found himself in a similar situation to Gyomei- forced to save his family one night, wrestling with his mother to prevent her from hurting her own children during an unusual fit of violent mania. It had happened so quickly that no one could tell what happened. She might have tripped over the futon; or perhaps she lost her footing on the tatami mat or on the slick pool of blood that had dripped from Genya's facial wound- but regardless of how, she ended up falling out of their 4 story apartment window and slipping into a coma after crashing onto the roof of a parked car.

With the medical debts rising and already saddled with the debts from his deceased father, Sanemi turned to the Yakuza to get cash quick and take care of the immediate needs of their family, and eventually he would discretely pay for his mother's hospital bills under the guise of a charity organization. Knowing that any association with the yakuza could harm the wellbeing and social standing of his siblings, Sanemi intentionally lashed out at them so they would leave and find new lives elsewhere. Only Genya stayed, worried about his brother and knowing that he shouldered their entire family burden. Sanemi continued to harshly push away Genya to keep him away from the Underworld, and nearly had an aneurysm when he saw Genya roaming around with a rival yakuza group- only to find out (courtesy of being tackled by Tanjiro lol) that Genya was working deep undercover for the police. Deep down, Sanemi is proud of his brother for finding his own way and having a legitimate job. Despite his angry bluster, Sanemi would take extra pains to secretly ensure Genya’s safety as he continues his undercover missions. (The rest of the Hashira know. They just don't say anything because they're tired of hearing him scream his denial.)

Tengen- head of information gathering.   He compiles reports to give to Kagaya/Amane.  His 3 wives are in charge of multiple avenues of information: one to keep track of internal investigations (alleged wrong doing, checking for spies, etc), 2 others for tailing people/undercover work, and processing all the data by working with Muichiro’s team. Tengen himself will go out on investigation missions if needed.   He also owns multiple high class escort clubs and bars, perfect grounds for finding the latest juicy gossip. He also runs several flashy entertainment companies ranging from legit show business to shell companies.

Muichiro- head of digital/cyber security and hacking.  A prodigy with an incredible ability to process information and create programs that can sift through an ungodly amount of data.  The team under Muichiro handles offensive cyber attacks and regular upkeep on their digital security.  Muichiro finds it fun to hack into some rival companies owned by the Kizuki Group and lock some of their accounts.  They know it's him because it forces them to play a near impossible password game...and it helps that there is a chibi icon of him with an akanbe expression.  Muichiro has caused them great financial pain because they have to keep buying more resources to get around his cyber attacks.

Obanai- Main arms dealer/broker.   Obanai uses his familial connection with the underworld to provide a steady supply of weapons and defensive supplies, and handles the logistics of securing the supply chain along with his partner and lover, Mitsuri. 

His family had been a sub group of the Ubuyashiki clan, choosing to follow the Ubuyashiki Group during the split with the Kizuki Group. They made many connections through the years, and would ruthlessly exploit anyone and everyone- including their own children. His family had become overly greedy and arrogant, believing their vast connections would help them succeed in overthrowing the previous head of the Ubuyashiki group, but they were discovered before the coup could be completed. They had tried to set up Obanai, their own child, as the instigator- but Kagaya, the young master who had taken charge of the incident on behalf of his father knew the truth: the person who had reported the family's misdeeds was Obanai himself, after catching wind of their plan to sacrifice him if their coup failed.

Obanai struggled for a while with the guilt of destroying his own family with his admission, but knew that it was the best action. Witnessing Mitsuri's positive outlook and her love of life allowed him to be at peace with his decision, easing the guilt of removing himself from a toxic family situation and finding joy in the small, quiet victories in daily living. He often wears a face mask because of a facial scar given by his family, a last form of physical torture before they were dispatched for good by Gyomei under Kagaya's orders. He also wears the face mask because mitsuri gave it to him and it was better than the wide strips of cloth he was using before.

Obanai dotes on his pet white snake, Kabamaru, who is often seen draped about his shoulders. There was a time when Gyomei was very upset because Kabamaru had gotten out of his room one evening and got dangerously close to some stray kittens that Gyomei was not so secretly fond of.

Mitsuri- head of supply and distributing; also manages legitimate cover front.   Her team works with Obanai to provide other basic supplies for the group and arranges transportation and  deliveries by using her food business to camouflage the underground trade. Was almost scouted to be a j-pop music idol but she liked food too much. 

It was for the better, because the company that tried to scout her was actually a front for adult films. They would pretend to hire young and beautiful girls with the promise of helping them debut as an idol girl group, only to exploit and traffic them. The management company that tried to scout Mitsuri tried to pressure her to sign with them by harassing her parent's small convenience store. Tengen, who has huge sway in the entertainment industry did not appreciate a small group having the audacity to try to do business in his territory, without even the courtesy of introducing themselves. Tengen and his wives ruthlessly exposed them after a week of research and inadvertently saved Mitsuri's parents.

Inspired by how cool Tengen and his wives were when they swooped in to save the day, Mitsuri decided she wanted to help prevent girls from falling for the same scheme that nearly ruined her. Her family also gave their thanks and decided to back the Ubuyashiki group, considering they saved their beloved daughter and responded faster than the police, who had dismissed them outright. Because of the nature of her role with the Group, she found herself working together with Obanai often. After months of courting, they officially became a couple.

Kyojuro- legitimate cover front; assists with finding other assets like promising business ventures, real estate, etc.  Has a great relation with the police force and within the community and city.   His business is sometimes used to help launder money, but he is far more useful being on the right side of the law. That isn't to say that Kyo isn't willing to get his hands dirty if it means the safety of the group and civilians- he is very competent and efficient in making rival groups disappear.

Kyo has an incredible buisness sense; he is able to quickly assess and rapidly consider the pros and cons of a situation, the boldness to confidently make a decision in the heat of the moment and with expert timing, and the foresight to create the opportunities to help himself or his clients shine.  Kyo is passionate about the community he serves, and wholeheartedly believes that building others up is how entire comunities grow exponentially. His companies often fund charities and law firms dedicated to helping low income victims find legal justice. He is regularly invited to speak at schools or colleges and other community functions to inspire others. Kyo is proud of his family's long history of working with the Ubuyashiki family to keep the balance between regular society and the underworld.   

Giyuu- Bookkeeper, Head of Finance.  He is in charge of keeping track of the money flow in and out of the group.  He is detail oriented and hard working. He has a hard time communicating his thoughts so he'd rather not speak much, but he doesn't mind other people's company.  Not easily swayed and hard to bribe, he takes his job seriously and efficiently. He is, however, weak towards acts of kindness or favors done for him, and will generously return those ten fold. Most department heads dislike him purely because they must constantly make their case on why they need more budget, and Giyuu makes them submit the proper paperwork and will review it meticulously, even sending the paperwork back if its incomplete and staring placidly back at the person who inevitably comes into his office yelling expletives at him for it.  The quarterly arguments with Sanemi regarding higher budgets for external raids are explosive, and Gyomei regularly needs to step in to settle Sanemi down.  

Kanae- Head of medical division.  Can also harvest organs with a smile :)  Is well connected and obtains medical supplies through their cover front organization called 'The Butterfly Mansion’, where they assist children in need for complicated medical cases.  Together with Shinobu, they’ve been able to make great medical advancements for childhood cures.   

Shinobu- drug maker/identifyer, responsible for identifying tampered or dangerous drugs. She is the head of the research and pharmaceutical division of The Butterfly Mansion. While the Ubuyashiki group does not prevent its sub groups from distributing drugs, there are rules that are heavily enforced: no distribution of tampered or mixed drugs, no selling to minors, and adults are responsible for their own debts.  If they can't pay, they go after any asset owned by the debtor.  If all they have left is the family, they can “negotiate” (still forcing, let's be real) with the family to work and payback the initial amount with a fixed interest and a payback time that depends on how badly the debtor fucked up.  Payback means working for the group as a servant/mule/supplier, or whatever capacity they feel they can assist with.  The Ubuyashiki group aren't the type to cut off fingers, (what good is a severed finger to them?), but they will beat your ass to teach a lesson.  Aoi and girls also work as internal supply distributors, and they assist with daily upkeep at the Butterfly Mansion.

Shinobu and Kanae were children of a wealthy doctor who was well respected in the medical community. Dr. Kocho believed in the oath he took as a doctor and did not turn away anyone in need of medical care. He was a secret friend to the previous head of the Ubuyashiki head, who had approached him to help his deathly sick son, Kagaya. While Dr. Kocho was unable to fully cure Kagaya and he would remain sickly for the rest of his life, he was at least out of danger of imminent death. Kagaya's father was moved by Dr. Kocho's dedication to his son despite being of a yakuza family, and they became life long friends. He even visited and celebrated with Dr. Kocho's family after Kanae and Shinobu were born. Kagaya's father avenged his friend by mercilessly destroying the group that had ambushed Dr. Kocho and kidnapped his daughters, and mobilizing his entire group to track down and secure the little girls. Gyomei was part of the group that infiltrated the enemy group and personally carried young Shinobu on his back and lead Kanae by the hand amidst an intense firefight, protecting them the entire way to the extraction point. From that point on, the two have been under the direct protection of the head of the Ubuyashiki Group.

Those are all my thoughts for now-feel free to use these ideas if you want but I'd love to be tagged in your work to see how its utilized. any likes/reblogs are also appreciated. :)

[tossawary]

Okay, spoilers for the first twenty minutes of the first episode of the live-action ATLA remake, because they added a brand new prologue that was VERY bad and I need to talk about how hilariously bad it was.

So, the show opens in the Fire Nation's Capital City at night, with an earthbender running away with an important-looking scroll and being chased by Fire Nation soldiers. There's an unimpressive chase sequence that ends with the earthbender managing to hand off the scroll to someone else, before being caught and dragged before Fire Lord Sozin.

First thoughts: why are they opening 100 years early? I liked the way the original cartoon opened in the actual world state that mattered to us, then the war and its history slowly unfolded as the main characters learned more about their own world. Sozin's wig and costume looks CHEAP, and they are throwing away all of the intimidating mystery of the Fire Lord (we don't see Ozai's face in the cartoon for like two seasons) by showing Sozin as just some guy. Also, it's kind of a waste of time to introduce Sozin here at all, especially in person, because while he had a MASSIVE impact on the world of the story, he's basically irrelevant to the main narrative happening 100 years later, because our actual villains are his descendants ACTIVELY CONTINUING his work.

The earthbender is beat-up but defiantly says that the Earth Kingdom has now been warned that Sozin intends to attack. Sozin is all smug, though, because apparently he WANTED these plans to be stolen. He wants everyone (he actually explicitly names the Water Tribes and the Air Nomads as well as the Earth Kingdom) to be looking towards the Earth Kingdom, so that he can attack the Air Nomads instead, because that's where the new Avatar is, who is the only person who could stop him. (The exposition is sooooo clunky and cheesy. It's baaaaad. Talk directly to the camera, why don't you?) Then Sozin burns this poor earthbender to death and then the scene skips over to Aang at the Southern Air Temple.

Second thoughts: oh, so we're not only going to waste time building up Sozin as a villain when we're going to very shortly skip ahead 100 years? We're also going to establish Sozin as a guy in a bad costume who is kind of shit at military strategy? He doesn't need a distraction! He doesn't need a feint! No one is expecting him to attack anyone, he shouldn't need to fake attacking someone else! In fact, he's letting all the other nations know that they should be paying close attention to his movements? What?!

At the Air Temple, we see Aang and Gyatso's relationship, and we see Gyatso called in to speak with a council of senior monks. The council has been alerted to the fact that Sozin intends to attack the Earth Kingdom, they intend to help, and they want to prepare Aang for war. And I didn't really have to think too hard about the logistics of Sozin's attack on the Air Nomads when it was something that happened 100 years ago! But now this stupid fucking show is making me actually have to think about how all of this worked, because it actually shows SOZIN'S ATTACK on this temple and this is why Aang is forced to leave! (And gets frozen in an iceberg for 100 years.)

Don't show me this nonsense if you don't want me to think about the logistics and strain my suspension of disbelief! If the Air Nomads intend to help the Earth Kingdom when the Fire Nation attacks, then because they're PACIFISTS who can FLY, they would be most helpful serving as scouts and messengers. But NO ONE is watching the movements of Sozin and his entire fucking army of firebenders when they have been EXPLICITLY forewarned that he intends to attack the Earth Kingdom??? They don't have anyone watching out for this explosive conflict that will directly impact their ability to travel at the very least?

It's one thing if the Fire Nation has simply become increasingly militaristic and industrial, because from an outsider's perspective, that could just be Sozin strengthening his internal power. (The Fire Nation could have had multiple lords and kingdoms, historically, before being forcibly united into a single nation.) Chin the Conqueror was also just one Avatar ago, so it's maybe not unreasonable for the Fire Nation to be wary of warmongers within the Earth Kingdom. The Fire Nation becoming increasingly hostile and aggressive is concerning, but people tend to hope that cooler heads will prevail and war won't happen. It's not the same as DIRECT CONFIRMATION that the (United?) Fire Nation intends to invade the Earth Kingdom and start a war?

Sozin, apparently: "The best way to pull off a surprise attack is intentionally put all of my enemies on their guard."

So, now the Air Nomads don't look great for failing to notice an army showing up like that. Especially if they're in contact with the Earth Kingdom about the war that they're anticipating? Like, sure, they didn't anticipate THEY would be attacked, but they have information now that Sozin has an army on the move and terrible ambitions? Maybe these senior monks aren't sharing the news around because they don't want to panic anyone yet? Maybe it took a long time for the Earth Kingdom's information to reach them? But it's not a great look that the show is immediately inspiring me to find flaws (in the plan of telling your enemies to look out for your attack beforehand) and to have to come up with excuses for these potential plot holes.

And I personally didn't enjoy seeing the Air Nomads engaged in combat with the Fire Nation as one of the first things we see from them! Of course they're going to defend themselves when attacked, but it's just so sad, especially when Aang is introduced in the original cartoon as a wondrous mystery to Sokka and Katara and the audience, fun-loving and bright and with incredible powers, a miraculous shock of sunshine colors against the blue of the South Pole, a person from a more peaceful time and a hopeful way of life, someone who has never seen war and never heard of this one. In the cartoon, we learn about the Air Nomads through getting to know Aang, this penguin-sledding kid who can't even conceive of war yet, before we see the remnants of his loss. We don't have to see airbenders fighting for their lives and dying horribly before we fully understand who they are as a people.

This remake heavily frontloads its exposition with new material that is painfully clumsy, largely irrelevant, and doesn't add anything good to a story that's already been done pretty well. Was this just an attempt to avoid being accused of directly copying and adding nothing? Because it was bad. What the fuck was wrong with opening in the main time period of our story with Sokka and Katara as our POV characters? We could have instead seen more of the Southern Water Tribe! We could have spent more time with Aang getting to know the Southern Water Tribe and bonding with Sokka and Katara! We could have had more conflict between Aang and Zuko (who is, unlike Sozin, alive and relevant to the actual story at hand)! But no, we cut good stuff from the original show and have to waste all of this time on Sozin instead, who is dead by the time that the real story starts, and also apparently thinks telling everyone he intends to attack the Earth Kingdom when no one knew he was going to attack anyone is good military strategy.

[hairypotterhogwartsmystery]

Merula Is Not Actually That Evil

I recently finished Year 1 of HPHM and found many of Merula's actions to be rather unbelievable.

Kids can be awful, but I still don't think eleven-year-olds are capable of cold-blooded murder (such as the Devil's Snare Incident). The strangest thing about Merula's character, though, is that despite her track record, Jam City keeps trying to force Merula on us as a friend in the sidequests.

I didn't want to chalk it up to JC's dubious writing, and I was also inspired by the deep dives from @missnight0wl, so instead, I've spawned the theory that Merula Is Not Actually That Evil.

By the end of the first year, Merula has two "ambitions:"

1) To bully MC relentlessly.

2) To find the Cursed Vaults before MC.

Let's start with 1).

Merula is a bully---an awful, rude, reckless bully---but she's not pure evil. Most of her actions are not so much to instill fear and establish dominance (or, as I call it, MPWAH Syndrome) as they are an act of pushing people away. Merula does not find herself deserving of friendship, likely because she had a traumatic childhood that fractured her trust in people. This does not excuse for her behavior. However, I believe Merula's intentions for bullying MC + The Gang are different than what MC believes.

In their first Potions class, Merula coats MC's cauldron with Bulbadox Powder, which causes it to explode and makes Snape mad, yada yada. There are two strange things about this interaction:

1) Merula only learned of MC's identity five minutes before class, when MC stood up to her for tormenting Rowan. She kind of jumped on the "you're a disgrace" bandwagon, but didn't really say anything of note. See, Merula's original target was never MC---it was Ben Copper. This means that Merula's hatred for MC didn't appear out of nowhere---it was provoked by MC themself.

2) Bulbadox Powder isn't a potion ingredient. It's a joke product.

So Merula, who met MC five minutes ago and has only a generic hatred/jealousy of them, is also coincidentally carrying around a joke product in her pocket and manages to coat MC's cauldron in it without them noticing? Yeah, right. Merula didn't do it. Merula did not actually sabotage MC's potion. Chances are the cauldron was tampered with by some other mischievous student.

However, MC, assuming the worst about their newfound enemy, pins the blame on Merula, who, of course, denies it.

Then we have the Devil's Snare Incident, which most people cling to as a justifiable reason for hating Merula. Honestly, I did too, until I thought about it a bit harder.

I do believe that Merula sent the fake letter and locked MC in the closet full of Devil's Snare, because, well, Merula admits to it herself. However, I think she did this because MC framed her for blowing up their cauldron. Merula only says that she blew up MC's potion when MC is in the closet in order to seem more powerful and make MC afraid and distrustful of her. (See: MPWAH Syndrome.)

She also never intended for MC to die. Why?

a) She knows that MC is very good at Lumos.

b) I believe it was Merula who, in a fit of regret, alerted Hagrid that MC was trapped, and told Hagrid to go save MC. This is why Hagrid acted so shocked when MC told him it was Merula who locked them in the cupboard.

Now you might be wondering, "why didn't Hagrid just tell MC that Merula actually wanted to help them escape?"

Firstly, Hagrid is an adult, and in a position of power on campus compared to students. He understands that true disciplinary action can't happen without concrete proof (which MC doesn't have) and likely doesn't want to be the source of any gossip or rumors. Thus, he tried to de-escalate the issue instead of confusing MC with conflicting information, or encouraging MC to tattle/seek retribution.

Okay. That was a lot. In summary:

Merula's original target for bullying was never MC.

Merula bullies MC because she thinks MC wronged her.

Merula bullies MC + The Gang as a subconscious act of alienation, though she believes it to be a method of asserting her dominance.

This segues us into 2).

Why does Merula want to find the Cursed Vaults?

According to Merula, it's because of her MPWAH Syndrome.

I think this is partially the reason she seeks the Vaults. Though Merula herself may believe this is the true reason, her subconscious behavior says otherwise.

Merula's Cursed Vaults mission is very hush-hush---she doesn't want other teachers or students (such as Rowan) to find out. Obviously, this is for self-preservation---she doesn't want to get punished and expelled like Jacob---but I think Merula's secrecy ultimately proves that she isn't simply seeking the Vaults for attention and prestige. She's seeking them in order to validate her own loneliness.

Merula wants the glory of the Vaults for herself. She needs to reach the Vaults before MC, even though MC's not even in the race---MC's sole motivation for seeking the Vaults is to track down Jacob. By finding the Vaults all by herself, Merula validates the instinct within her that pushes people away. By finding the Vaults all by herself, Merula can prove that she doesn't need other people to succeed.

So why the Vaults? Why not prove herself by doing something innocuous like doing well in school? Well,

a) doing well in school is impressive, but not atypical or risky

b) doing well in school is a solitary act anyway; Merula needs to do something that would typically be collaborative on her own in order to prove herself.

c) I think Merula has a bit of a self-destructive streak. I don't have super solid evidence for this, though, aside from her pursuit of the Vaults themselves and her love of dueling.

So in summary:

Merula says she's searching for the Vaults because of MPWAH Syndrome.

In actuality, Merula is searching for the Vaults in order to justify her lone wolf/aloof personality.

Whew. I never thought I would psychoanalyze a fictional eleven-year-old from a mobile game this hard, but honestly, it's a fun exercise. Perhaps this skill will come in handy for future English essays.

Keep in mind this analysis was made only with information from Year 1. In a previous lifetime, I played up to Year 4, but I recently started anew. Feel free to spoil things in your responses---I know pretty much all the main plot points up until MC graduates.

Thank you for reading this far.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 4/30/2024

most annoying book i've read so far this year under the jump

listening

a lovely polyrhythmic instrumental piece with previously-featured tuesdaysong artist, terrifying master of the cello, abel selaocoe. this is very textured and kind of scrubs at the inside of my skull in a pleasing way. like the kind of back scrubber you can buy with a bamboo handle and the long soft bristles. popped up on my recent releases playlist from spotify.

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reading

really fucking pissed about this book and i am not able to be reasonable about it. i was really thrown, much like the fantasy prince's mother from her carriage as she was being chased by regency gossip reporters, that this was a prince harry/meghan markle RPF AU. i am a bit uncomfy about the fact that our female lead, the fantasy AU meghan markle, is some flavor of fantasy Gaelic instead of fantasy mixed-race. now, i have no particular moral or physical beef with RPF but i don't typically seek it out. but/also/and, much like works about marilyn monroe, i think works with the specter of princess diana are in poor taste. can we leave these women alone maybe

i got about halfway through the book before this revelation and didn't really feel like it succeeded at much of anything it was trying to do. oddly informal and choppy, like it was originally intended as a contemporary romance with some urban magic and changed to regency in a late draft. this is combined with some fairly weak prose: more simple sentence structure than i would expect in a book for young adults, far too many proper nouns, and a lack of interest in showing not telling.

i straight up don't understand why the leads are attracted to each other if she keeps making very public mistakes and he's a rude cunt. i have read other books (most recently the t kingfisher books) where someone grows to love a very gruff or taciturn man, but it takes time and mutual trust and an effort on both sides, none of which happen here. the core conflict is duty to family in all its various forms vs the heart wants what the heart wants. the conflict is not much of a conflict, though, because characters come to realizations within three sentences of confronting them and then vocalize them with therapyspeak. someone literally pats someone else's hand and goes, "It's hard, I know." the author mercifully did not describe the sad little pursed sympathy mouth but i'm sure it was there.

i'm also deeply annoyed with how this author chose to go about characterization. while the character concepts are people i would love to meet in a ttrpg, it feels very concerned about Good Representation and it makes everyone feel very wooden. i think when you put together characters from a list of various oppressions and disabilities it starts feeling like a grownup version of a children’s ensemble show meant to sell little blind box figurines. here is the Chronically Ill one, and her color is pink! here is the Addicted one, and his color is green! here is the Goth and Depressed one, and her color is black with some bones! here is the Gay one who was once badly hurt by the Addicted one, and we don’t care enough about him to give him a color! here is the superficially fantasy-Jewish one, and we don’t care enough about her to give her a color or an action figure either!

while normally i would love to read a book with two! TWO! canonically bisexual leads of different genders! this book is written for the "folx" spectrum of gays instead of the "fags" part of the spectrum and it strays very close to a modern morality tale for me.

this popped up on a list of books with bi leads i think, but if it was here or on libby i cannot remember.

anyway! fucking hated this one.

pleasantly surprised these came in back to back off my holds lists, bc they are about the perfumer Grace and Grace's former landlord, the spy Marguerite. my favorite of these Saint of Steel series is still the one with the werebear nun. i have nothing to complain about these books and not much to say about them either. they were such a delightful and competent change of pace after the annoyance of the previously discussed book.

oh i loved these. oh i LOOOOOOVED these. how the fuck does novik do it. she is so good at capturing the very specific feel of a grandpa military historical novel. except with dragons. i love these in the same way i know i will love the patrick o'brien books if i ever get around to reading them. i was a navy brat and unfortunately this is fucking catnip to me. truly i have inherited all my father's tastes

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watching

largely fallow week. i don't have anything particularly great to say about The Bad Batch, but when have i ever. have not caught up with dunmeishi bc my siblings have once again inadvertently locked me out of the netflix account i pay for. considering a vpn for many reasons but watching netflix and watching porn (the state of texas does not want me or anyone else to watch porn within her borders) are the two big reasons for. idk. cashing out the paltry cash-back credit card rewards and coughing them up for a vpn. vpn opinions welcomed, i know most of them are straight garbage

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playing

i straight up ran out of money in genshin, which is pretty hard to do since they're pretty generous with it? i have spent several million in-game currency on leveling up neuvilette (i am so so so happy to not have to collect any fucking starfish mats for him anymore [mats are different materials you have to collect or buy in-game in order to level up a character. very grindy most of the time]). anyway i am now scrabbling around for the last couple chests and puzzles i marked on my map in fontaine. i haven't bothered with grinding for his specific boosting artifacts or leveling up his talents all the way yet but this is really not shabby. i have the bad habit of completely levelling up all my 5-stars and then ignoring them until i need them for a specific fight or a specific level of the monthly..battle royale puzzle? i don't really know how to describe the abyss. anyway when i do eventually need his pretty intense water AOE attacks i will frantically grind for his talent mats. right now we're grinding for other things thanks

this latest update contains both the best and worst new areas so far. the underwater lost city of Remuria is a fuckin banger. gorgeous. incredible puzzles. very fun music-based quest line with new abilities and giant whale. however, im kind of disappointed by the new coastline area in the map: there is pretty much nothing there. almost no interactable plants to harvest, very few enemies, almost no chests. i get that they are focusing their time and attention on the new underwater area everyone will be focusing on (killer, btw, super dense and great use of vertical space). very lore-heavy expansion, sort of what if atlantis was a bit roman-inspired and also. hold on. wait a second.

sorry this has just occurred to me at 10:21 PM on Monday night as im drafting this but oh my god are the fucking fontanians the Sea Peoples of the bronze age collapse. this is hysterically funny lore if true. im going to have to go back and reread a lot of the environmental storytelling notes but oh my GOD that's extremely funny if true. genshin has some of the most batshit lore of any game ive ever played and im so sad that so few game journos are focusing on it.

where was i. leveling up characters in legally-not-france who may or may not be descendants of the sea peoples. i often find myself leveling up characters in genshin not based on how useful they are to the party but by how fun the bosses i need to fight for their mats are? for example: neuvilette is a water-based AOE character with not a lot of on-field time. however this big electric seahorse, whose antlers i need to level him up, is really fun to fight and i can knock it out in about thirty seconds.

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making

my sister's birthday is tomorrow! my birthday package to her was kind of heavy on stupid little trinkets and art books and not very much like. homemade? so i cranked out a little sampler. it's framed i promise i simply forgot to take a picture of it framed. about 3"x3", slightly adapted from a piece in Julie Jackson's Subversive Cross Stitch. i do think the F and C turned out way better (or at least the backstitching stands out way more) but hey. sometimes you need to hastily stitch a gift with the limited colors you have on hand

[sneezypeasy]

Original Script Analysis, Part 1: Kataang Is Better... And Also Worse.

I want to start this off by saying that when it comes to media analysis, I personally don’t tend to give authorial intent a significant amount of weight – at least, not by default. I understand why authorial intent is so often debated among media analysts, and why so many metas and critiques often hinge their arguments on paratextual information that serves to provide potential insight on what the authors were thinking or planning. But I myself tend to follow more of a “Death of the Author” framework. There are some exceptions, such as when I believe the author’s stated intent – or even details such as their background, life experiences, advocacy etc – has bled through their work so heavily that it becomes impossible to ignore its impact on the final product. (E.g., reading Fyodor Dostoyevsky compare murder to state-ordered execution, it is hard not to contextualise the passage with the knowledge that Dostoyevsky himself faced a firing squad and was given a pardon at the very last minute). Even then, I tend to treat paratextual information like – Understanding the context behind x scene or y narrative choice potentially adds a layer of meaning to it, particularly why some scenes may have been framed the way they were, or why the author chose to tell/expand/conclude the story like this instead of like that. I use paratextual information to deepen my understanding of the author’s reasonings behind their choices. I don’t use paratextual information to form my opinion on whether their choices were good.

(I prefer to form my own opinion on that, based on what I think of the text itself.)

That being said, like most of you readers I too had heard the many rumours surrounding the writing/production process behind ATLA, especially when it came to the ships. Which ship, if any, was planned for, when were the romance arcs finally decided, were there conflicts/disagreements between writers, were there script changes and animation edits to strengthen one pairing while weakening other, and so on and so on. I’d heard the rumour that The Southern Raiders went through multiple rewrites/changes, because it was originally “too shippy”. I’d heard the rumours that Aaron and Elizabeth were pro-Zutara, Bryan and Mike were pro-Kataang, and that their respective positions/opinions on these two pairings seep through their writing in an acutely perceptible way.

I’d also heard the counter-argument, the official narrative endorsed by the creators that any chemistry or subtext between Zuko and Katara was always intended to be platonic, and that readers who saw anything romantic between these two characters were simply setting themselves up for disappointment by projecting their own expectations or preferences onto the show, nothing more.

Over the past 15 years or so, these debates shaped much of the ATLA “shipping discourse”, sometimes even dominating discussion on the subject. I myself have gotten many a variant of “Zutara was never going to happen, get over it” – even when I’ve made a deliberate effort to omit any mention of authorial intent in my analyses, because, as I’ve said, I still don’t consider that kind of paratextual information relevant to my own opinions on why I think Zutara just works better. But given the intensity of the arguments surrounding behind-the-scenes shenanigans, their impact on the final product, and even their supposed significance in determining shipping validity, it was impossible not to wonder at the truth behind all these conflicting rumours.

So when I set foot in the WGF, it was admittedly difficult to contain my bubbling excitement and anticipation. Even still, I resolved to keep my expectations low. Rumours are rumours, after all. Secondary sources must always be taken with a healthy grain of salt, and some of the rumours weren’t even second-hand information at that. And I already knew that no matter what I found, my own opinion that Zutara is the best love story almost written, would not change.

All that said and done, let’s just say that I found the discovery... highly rewarding, and for those of you who have spent years refusing to accept that you were just “reading into things”, I hope my findings bring you some long-awaited vindication.

There are two other disclaimers I need to get through before we continue:

1) The Writers Guild Foundation is not a lending library. You may make an appointment to view the scripts in person, and you are allowed to take notes and manually copy as much as you like. But you will not find copies of their scripts online, and photos and screenshots are strictly prohibited. From what I understand it’s a copyright issue. Legally I’m fairly certain that embedding photos in this post and accompanying it with critique and analysis would/should count as “Fair Use”; however, I know that at some point I’d like to be able to return to the library, and I don’t want to risk being blacklisted for not following their rules.

As such, all the images embedded in this post are reproductions of snippets that I had to manually copy and type up, word for word. It was slow work, so as much as I’d love to be able to just plop the entire script of The Southern Raiders (or any ATLA episode) here for you to read, I had to narrow my focus a fair bit. I mainly noted down, in order of significance:

additions, omissions or changes in the original script compared to the show

bits where the writer’s notes/storyboard directions contained insights or descriptions that I found interesting, surprising, or just plain funny

scenes that weren’t really all that different or unexpected, but we love to see it in writing anyway (ahem Crossroads of Destiny *cough*)

I’m sure there’s a lot that I still managed to miss - even visiting over two days, I couldn’t read every episode. I highly encourage Zutarians living in or near LA to make an appointment and read the scripts for yourselves. You’ll be able to see more than what I’ve posted here, and you might even unearth some goodies that escaped my notice.

(Credit goes to @lady-of-bath for taking my boatload of notes and reformatting them to look like scripts again ❤)

(Also apologies that some passages are split across two images; that just means they were long enough that they spanned two pages and I couldn’t be bothered splicing them back together so I just embedded them here as separate image files. I promise I didn’t cut/remove anything; images not separated by a line of dashes should be read as one continuous snippet 😊).

2) The second thing I ought to clarify is that, from my understanding, the drafts I read were final drafts. These were scripts submitted to the guild just prior to storyboarding, voice acting, animating etc. As I read them, I noticed that the only changes to the script that I could tell were non-dialogue related - so things like, descriptions of the characters’ actions, movements, facial expressions/body language, what you can or can’t see in the shot, etc. Otherwise, voice lines have been essentially kept intact. This suggests to me that the changes made to the script after submission to the guild, were also made after lines had been recorded, possibly even after scenes had been storyboarded. It also suggests that the scripts the voice actors read were the same ones I read in that library. (There is one notable exception that I found, a very interesting exception in my opinion, which we’ll get to later.)

While I would have loved to have seen the earlier drafts, to be able to see how the script changed with each revision (including revisions made to the dialogue prior to voice recording), it’s my understanding that the guild rarely ever receives these scripts, and such was the case again this time. I did also have a look to see if they had the ATLA Series Bible, but unfortunately that hadn’t been submitted either. It is what it is. Still, I’m not mad about what I found. :)

And on that note - ONTO THE SCRIPTS!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m going to start off by defending Kataang a bit here. (I know, I know. Don’t worry, we’ll get to the juicy Zutara stuff in due course.) In my 2 hour long video analysis I talked about lack of development being one of the biggest structural problems with Kataang as a ship. Specifically, I showed how you can take the scenes that we know to be “Kataang scenes”, jumble them up so that they appear in a different order than they do in the show, and the end result still makes just as much narrative sense - or maybe even more sense than they did in the show. 

Interestingly, the original scripts for these scenes do not fail this test - at least, I don’t think they do. Let’s start at the very beginning:

It’s love at first sight for Aang, which we all knew already. For Katara, it’s less “love” and more “wonder”. But it’s a powerful meeting for both of them. Honestly, this isn’t all that different from how I perceived this scene on television when I watched it. 

Let’s continue with the Fortuneteller:

Okay, so again, roughly what we see on television. Katara realizes Aang could be who Aunt Wu was referring to, and is unsure what to make of this. Fair.

Next, the Cave of Two Lovers:

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Unlike in the show, Katara doesn’t blush in this script (I also checked the ending of the script where I remember her blushing again in the show, but the script doesn’t mention any blush, anywhere). However, Katara seems to be taking the possibility of Aang as a love interest a little bit more seriously here. In the show version, they hug, Aang seems a little awkward and is clearly hoping for some closure/confirmation of where they now stand, but Katara doesn’t seem to spare it a second thought - she just yeets it out of there. The slow parting and the “awkward look” these kids share in the script suggests, at least to me, that script!Katara is placing more weight on what just happened than show!Katara does, and she at least seems aware, maybe even nervous, of the fact that sharing a maybe-kiss in a secret love cave might do something to their dynamic that she’s not sure how she feels about yet. 

The divergences get more interesting now. Enter The Earth King scene, where Aang attempts to confess his feelings to Katara:

“They both know what he's about to say.” 

WELL. Not only did they cut out the “he looks her directly in the eyes” part, but they completely took out any shot that might have indicated a mutual understanding between them, as was written in the script. Instead, we get a deer-in-the-headlights look from Katara, then her head cocks to the side “What is it, Aang?” and then… nothing. Everything about her body language on screen is written to suggest she either has no idea what’s coming, or is doing a great job of playing coy about it.

The cheek-kiss is intact in both versions, however. Let’s keep going.

I didn’t take notes on the Headband. I probably should have, but I didn’t bother because there weren’t really any notable differences between the script version and the show version. What you see is basically what you get - Aang dances with On Ji, Katara is agitated but acts aloof, Aang invites her to dance, she hesitantly accepts, they dance and it’s all very cute. She says “that was some dance party, Aang” and gives him another cheek-kiss at the end. If there were any differences from script to screen, I didn’t spot them.

But there was a pretty big difference for Day of Black Sun:

(By the way, this confirms an earlier version of the rumour that had been based on alleged edits made fairly late in the storyboarding process. Credit to @lady-of-bath​ for procuring this receipt).

So, what I’m basically getting here is that, in the original script, up until the midpoint of Season 3, the writing was originally heading towards a Kataang conclusion. And actually - you may disagree with me here but you know what? I actually don’t hate this version of Kataang. (So far, anyway).

There were two main issues I had with Kataang - the structure/pacing of it was all over the place, and on a deeper level I felt that the conflict they set up regarding Aang’s character arc and “letting Katara go” were not properly resolved in the show, leading to a lack of cohesion in the storytelling.

Combing through these passages, script!Katara reads way more natural and realistic, to me, than show!Katara. Let’s look at the progression here, from Katara’s side:

She meets an “adorable” boy and forms an instant attachment to him

She sees their dynamic as platonic until a comment from Sokka makes her question whether it will always be so in the future. She doesn’t quite know what to make of this at the time.

She shares a maybe-kiss with him in a secret love cave, and seems to be aware/nervous that their dynamic may change as a result. 

Some time later, he works up the courage to confess his feelings with her, and the script makes it clear that she understands what he’s trying to say and may even have been anticipating it. 

They go to a party where Katara is moody seeing Aang dance with someone else. Then Aang asks Katara onto the floor, and they dance, and Katara seems genuinely pleased/delighted.

Finally, just before the eclipse, he kisses her. She may not have been expecting it, but her reaction (smiling after him as he flies away) shows she didn’t see it as unwelcome. 

If Kataang were actually written like this, I think that would solve the structural problems of the ship that really bothered me, and I probably wouldn’t have stopped shipping them. It’s very clear to me that taking any of these scenes, as written, and jumbling them out of order, would completely mess up the steady (if subtle) progression of Katara 1) seeing Aang as a potential love interest, 2) understanding he sees her as one, and finally 3) realising she does actually return his feelings.

It also makes Katara feel much more like a real person, and less of an objective for Aang to try to reach in a “two steps forward, one step back” sort of situation.

I think, even then, I still would have shipped Zutara as well, because I don’t think the symbolism and depth to Zutara can be beat. But I’m pretty sure I would have kept a soft spot for Kataang, for the fluff. At least, I wouldn’t be strongly opposed to it. My position would likely be “eh, there’s flaws, and it probably could have been written better, and I think writing Zutara instead would have been more compelling and thematically satisfying but you know what, this is cute. I get it.”

Of course, that’s before we get to the second half of Season 3, where Kataang goes from oscillating in place to taking a nose-dive out of ... nowhere.

And in a way that seems to seriously contrast with how the ship had been written from Cave of Two Lovers to Day of Black Sun, the downward spiral of Kataang coinciding with a deepening friendship/connection for Zutara - seems to be exacerbated in the original script.

Remember how uncomfortable it was to watch Ember Island Players in the show?

...

It’s quite a bit worse here.

Aang comes off significantly less sympathetic in this version of the episode. Here he is, looking at Katara “accusingly”, and even “glaring” at her, because the actress playing her on stage is flirting with actor!Zuko. Why is he so angry, and at her? And meanwhile, she “pretends not to notice”? Ick.

I’ll be honest, I never had a strong opinion of Aang being “possessive” in this scene. I understand why other people did, and I totally see where they’re coming from with that. Personally though, I kind of gave him the benefit of the doubt and just perceived him as immature, not really getting it, and I always perceived his jealousy to be more hapless than disturbing. This is just my personal opinion, but I felt that their clash in this episode was more indicative of a lack of compatibility and understanding between them than anything else, and obviously I think the non-con kiss was wrong, but generally I didn’t think the kid had bad intentions - I just saw him as... too young, to be honest. He did get pushy and demanding, and either way Katara deserved better, but with Aang, I kind of understood it to be stemming from hope/desperation rather than anger/entitlement.

The writing here, however, does not leave room for me to be charitable. Aang hearing Actor!Zuko suggest that Katara was supposed to be “the Avatar’s girl”, and glaring at Katara as if to say “Yeah!” - I don’t know how to read this as anything other than possessiveness. Yikes on a cracker.

ALSO, did you notice that Zuko and Katara don’t scoot away from each other in this version? Read it again; the absence of that bit escaped me on my first read-through. (Credit to @zutarawasrobbed​ for spotting that difference!) Zuko and Katara are still sitting next to each other here (the earlier “I wanted to sit here/Just sit next to me, what’s the big deal?” scene is still intact), and all it says about Katara is that she’s pretending not to notice Aang simmering at her from two seats away. Wow.

The non-con kiss is kept intact and most of it is just dialogue so there isn’t much deeper insight to gain from the script, though again, Aang comes off more explicitly volatile/angry at the end of it:

Later, Aang rejoins the group in the theater, and sees Actress!Katara reach a goofy platonic understanding with Actress!Aang, and reacts to this with chagrin and embarrassment. There is no reference to Katara averting her gaze from the screen in a sad or awkward manner, as how she does in the show. 

Overall, I find that Kataang looks worse here, a lot worse than in the show. The omission of Zuko and Katara’s “awkward scoot” is intriguing as well. To be honest, I never perceived “the scoot” to be explicit confirmation or denial of any potential attraction between them (that clip can genuinely be read two ways depending on what trope you’re trying to invoke; neither are inherently invalid), however, the fact that it wasn’t originally written but was added in later... that’s interesting.

Some of you might be forming some opinions by this point. I have some of my own as well, though I want to hold off on them for now. Let’s have a bit of a palate-cleanser with the snippet of Zuko sharing some vulnerability with Katara before we move on:

❤

Now I am going a bit out of order here - I know that EIP actually happens after The Boiling Rock/The Southern Raiders, but as I was already on the topic of the Kataang arc, I decided to continue with that before I delved into the other episodes. So now we’re going back a little bit, chronologically.

(Also, you know me, gotta save the best for last 😉)

Ultimately I had a very brief look through The Boiling Rock, and nothing really jumped out at me - except for this bit:

I can’t be the only one tickled at the idea that Zuko just yeets himself out of that prison cell and doesn’t seem to spare Mai a second thought 😂 (if you’ll recall, the show has the two of them share a glance through the cell window after Mai yells “Get off of me!”; Zuko looks apparently apologetic/sad while Mai just glares at him). I know people have pointed out how amusing it is that Zuko seems to forget about Mai completely after TBR, right up until their last scene together, but the way this scene is scripted here just makes it even funnier to me.

But I know which episode it is that you guys all want to read.

*record scratch*

Oh ho HO, what have we here Elizabeth Ehasz 😉

Next up - Part 2: The Southern Raiders, The Finale, and What I Think About it All

[soaps-mohawk]

id love to hear more in depth on how you see reader! i love hearing other perspectives, and hearing the author's herself would be interesting!

Hmm I had to think on this one because the way I portray her in the fic is pretty much how I see her. I've said this before but when I was originally writing the fic it was an OC instead, but I know reader inserts tend to be more popular and inclusive so I went with a reader insert instead. A lot of her personality that I had planned has stayed the same, though it has developed quite a bit from what I planned it to be, but honestly, I'm glad for that.

I base her a lot on myself, more than I intended to because this fic has become very much an extension of my own emotions and struggles, and it's been quite cathartic with everything that's happened this year.

Very timid and unsure and anxious at first, but highly perceptive and a quick learner. That kind of drive for perfectionism almost as a fatal flaw, along with the confliction between logic and emotion in certain situations to the point of freezing and being unsure of how to continue. The hyperawareness to the point of recognizing who's footsteps are who's, but also the ability to get so lost in thought all awareness disappears. The near chronic overthinking and second guessing, yet occasionally impulsive. That need to be accepted, but taking a long time to get comfortable around others. Sassy, unintentionally funny, sharp witted but still hesitant and calculated depending on the situation. Very sweet but can be fierce and relentless when need be.

Yeah. Pretty much how she's depicted in the story 😂 of course it's all up to interpretation, and of course the reader can be anything anyone wants. But that's how I see her and try to portray her.

[clangenrising]

That battle was amazing! How did you decide what everyone did during the battle? Is this all based on timeskip and patrol events that happened during Moon 15, did you use some kind of generator, or did you create all of this in your awesome writer brain? I'd love to know any behind the scenes facts you got on this incredible battle! And congrats on having your story being included in Clangen, I'm so happy for you, you really deserve it. Thank you so much for this story!

Yeah, so there is absolutely nothing in my ClanGen playthrough about rogues this month or a battle or anything. Darkmoon died of Frostbite in game but I thought it would serve the story better if I tied it in to the bigger conflict.

So yeah, I wrote it all from scratch. It had been bubbling in my head for a little while. I knew I wanted Goldenstar to lose a life or two (even though that wasn't in the save either) partially because everyone was so desperate for it haha and she ends up losing all her remaining lives at once when she eventually goes so I thought we might as well use them here instead.

Once I knew that, I had the idea for Scorch to get involved somehow and her showing up be what distracted Razor long enough for Goldie to get up and keep fighting. The rest of it mostly came from just sitting down, thinking about how the battle would go, and then writing a bullet point outline which i turned into each part of the battle over the course of i think 3 days?? there were a few things i shuffled around in order to make the chronology fit better and some things I pulled into bigger pieces.

Like I originally intended for Yarrowshade to notice Goldie was missing and go after her but then I realized through writing that his arc was about learning to take it easy so he couldn't do that. Then I added the piece with Russetfrond and made sure to get Tiger killed in it since that's important going forward too.

I'm sure there's more I could say but it's escaping me for now haha. Hope that was satisfying!

[felassan]

Some more snippets of interest and insight from Mark Darrah, from some older Mark Darrah on Games YouTube videos where he was livestreaming playing Dragon Age: Origins some months ago. (The source of each snippet is linked after each point.)

"I would be incredibly surprised if we did see Desire Demons [in future games], but possibly. I saw some updated concept art." [source]

Chat asked "Do you think we are going to be able to spend points on attributes again in DA4 or nah?" and Mark replied "I don't know if they'll do attribute points, I suspect not...?" [source]

Chat asked "Do you think DA4 would be able to read DA:I saves since they're both using Frostbite?" and Mark replied "Oh, it doesn't matter, the reading the save games is nothing to do with Frostbite. The reason why Inquisition uses the Keep instead of save game reading is because of cross-generational stuff, we didn't want people locked to a platform. So I think it's quite possible that DA4 will use the Keep. I don't think they'll do save game reading, because the Keep exists already". Chat followed up, "I wonder if DA:I was made to even create plot flag data at all, what with the Keep already being a cross-game option" and Mark said "DA:I does store plot-flags in their save games, but yes, the intention was always to store them in the Keep, not to mine them out of save games". [source]

Chat asked "Would Oghren be done differently today?" Mark replied, "I do think Oghren would be done differently. He either needs to be more serious, as he's always treating his trauma with alcohol, or he needs to be somehow made more comedic. But I don't know that BioWare would make a character like Oghren again". [source]

They won't drop the name Dragon Age even if they switch in-world ages. Chat asked "DA5 should wrap up the Dragon Age series, and then any new game should be set centuries ahead of the Dragon Age". Mark replied "I mean if you wanted a massive reboot you could set it a long time in the future, have a new Dragon Age, that they've called it that for some reason, but I don't think there's a need for that." [source]

He also talked more generally about DA:O and the franchise in general. These bits are collected under a cut due to length.

One of the reasons why Dragon Age hasn't kept the same protagonist and has moved around the world a lot is because DA:O wasn't originally really intended to have a sequel, so it leaves a lot of dangling things depending on the choices you make (different rulers, many different states for some characters like Alistair, etc) [source]

What happened to Dragon Age Journeys? Facebook gaming died [source]

Game of Thrones was floating around in the studio during the time of the development of Baldur's Gate 2. "I do think it was at least consulted, it was read. What GoT did to fantasy in its moment was sort've show you could have a bit more politics, a bit more human-human conflict" [source]

On a hypothetical DA:O remaster: Tech-wise, there aren't that many people who know how to work with the engine, although it's a relatively simple engine. If they used a different engine it wouldn't be a remaster but a remake. For a remaster, you'd keep the same engine and turn the knobs as far as they could go, which would limit how far you could take it. Chat said "the Aurora [DA:O] engine isn't really being maintained, there's nothing to actually remaster there" and Mark replied "the code exists, it's in EA's repositories, you could get it running, updated DirectX version, remaster all the textures, you could do that" [source]

On this he also said "it's not gonna happen unless they can get the money from EA to do it as an external project and bring in external people, because otherwise you're just taking people from other things. Or unless EA suddenly decides that BioWare can hire 50 people, which seems...". "If you took something like Mass Effect and updated its Unreal version, that would be a massive amount of work just to do that. You don't really get anything for just doing that, particularly. You might be able to have it run at a higher resolution" [source]

The fact that MELE actually did well means that the chance of a remaster for DA is significantly higher than it was before. But EA doesn't like spending money. The devs had been trying to do a ME remaster since shortly after the last gen started, so basically since 2014 [source]

If they ever did a remaster of DA:O you would definitely see an improvement in textures on the consoles, even if you did nothing else, simply by including the "things that already exist" (as the original 360 version had its textures smooshed down from hi-res). DA:I you could make look better just by turning the knobs up further, as most of its stuff is already authored at higher resolutions [source]

Chat asked "'This might be better answered in a video, but what are your thoughts on remakes?''. Mark replied "I think it really depends on the game, some games are very much a product of their moment so they don't, a remake is always gonna fall a little flat. Remaster, you're just kind've re-establishing that. I think you can remaster anything. Remakes, some things should just be allowed to be a product of their time" [source]

Chat asked "Was there ever interest in making games like Diamondback and Wicked Grace playable minigames like Lodestone in Fable or Gwent for example?" There was a design for a dwarven chess game that the devs were thinking about doing for DA:I, "but no, time is time". Mark thinks that they may have had the rules for Wicked Grace at one point but "I don't know that there was ever much desire for it" [source]

The art direction in DAII is much more intentional than it was in DA:O. In DA:O and other fantasy games from that time period, it wasn't very intentional, and was more just 'generic English countryside from a certain time period' [source]

Chat commented about wanting a Dragon Age MMO in future. Mark replied "I don't think you're gonna see a Dragon Age MMO. MMOs are incredibly expensive to create and maintain. It was very interesting to watch Bethesda make an MMO of Elder Scrolls and make pretty much the same statements and mistakes as were made on SW:TOR just years later" [source]

Chat commented about wanting a Dragon Age RTS game in future. Mark replied "You could certainly see, especially like a DA:O RTS, but there aren't as many RTS devs around as there were once upon a time." When chat mentioned that a Mass Effect RTS could succeed, he added "I think if you were gonna do a Mass Effect RTS you'd definitely want space combat to be part of the game" [source]

Chat asked "What DA game would you remake?" Mark replied "I don't know, that's hard to say, some of the older ones are too a product of their time to easily be remade" [source]

Chat asked "How complex was Origins to make in terms of gameplay?" Mark replied, "I'm not sure what you're asking in terms of complexity of gameplay, it's a very long game with a lot of abilities. The underlying rules are not, it's not as intricate in terms of individual bits of balance as something like a shooter, lootershooter or fighting game is. RPGs are more about, sort've piling enough stuff on it so that it kind've gets balanced through volume as opposed to balanced through individual bits of, through the actual core mechanic. Honestly one of the issues with Anthem is that I think that a lot of the people on the team weren't familiar with that style of development, and so the inner most core of that game isn't tuned to the same degree that potentially a shooter company like Bungee would do" [source]

"Lyrium [potions] restore mana, I think. Which we have never explained"

Chat asked "Why are party members auto-levelled to the same level as the party/main character when you get them in Origins? I.e. in Knights of the Old Republic they were always level 6." Mark replied "the reason they're odd levelled is exactly because of KOTOR. If they're not odd levelled, what was happening was a lot of people just never levelled them up, so you ended up taking a character and they were Level 6 and they just died [source]

"The Leliana thing [Leliana coming back in DA:I if she was killed in DA:O], it's pretty weak but an explanation was given. A lot of the other ones are.. not even bothered to be given" [source]

On-screen Leliana had dialogue telling the Chantry's version of the story of how the Golden City became Black and the Magisters released the Taint. "I don't think the Chantry is lying so much as applying an argument on top of something they don't really understand" [source]

(pls note that in places there is a bit of paraphrasing of the info, the best source is always the primary source with full quotes in their original context)

[fullscoreshenanigans]

I’m never going to be over Ray and Emma both having visions of Norman when they both desperately needed the comfort of his presence.

I could have gone with manga panels for both of these for uniformity, but yet again CloverWorks takes advantage of the medium shift to add such beautiful nuance to (hallucination!)Norman and Ray’s exchange in the S1 finale—Norman speaking to Ray so, so gently in both the English and Japanese dubs with his final remark featured here, Ray being so overwhelmed by everything that’s happened in the past hour already and now topped with seeing one of the two people who was most important to him reappear, after he thought he’d never see him again, that he nearly cries at his words. I can’t express how much I adore the way they handled this scene.

By turning out to be a hallucination/dream as opposed to a ghost, we’re shown Norman’s departed spirit isn’t actually guiding them as its own independent entity with an agenda in another incorporeal form, but instead how they both internalized his character and personality and, most importantly, how they wished to see him again that manifested his appearance (see this post for further differences between their perspectives of him on this particular night).

Ray has spent over half of his life utterly loathing himself for the choices he made in order to save Emma and Norman. So much so he built up a bravado around the act of his self-immolation for years, resulting in the manic fervor he displays when giving his speech to Emma in the few minutes before the clock strikes midnight on his officially listed birthday (this is also fueled by his fraught relationship with Isabella, but that’s for other posts). He not only believes he deserves to die for his actions and perceived inaction, but that he should do so in a violent, agonizing way.

Ray knows Norman, knows his sense of rigid morality well enough to account for him discovering his alliance with Isabella and using that to his advantage, to further push Norman away so he’ll be more comfortable with using him (he even chides Norman for not keeping his original plan to do this a secret) and so his death will hurt him and Emma less. And for roughly the entire back half of October 2045, Norman did genuinely hate Ray for his betrayal in the same way he hated Isabella, his reaction so visceral at being deceived and hurt by people he had loved all his life. He would have been willing to sacrifice Ray if not for intervention from Emma, which opened him up to directly confronting Ray and, in turn, led him to discover Ray’s true motives. He was so humbled and taken aback by the depths of Ray’s love and loyalty he returned to his original categorization of him: a dear friend who needed to be saved from his intended fate in their cruel world. Even if saving him came at the cost of his own life; even if he desperately wanted to live.

One could argue Ray hallucinating Norman up on the wall was to assuage his own guilt at being unable to save him as he originally planned (something that, on his darker days, I think Ray himself would believe), but I prefer to view it as the final marker of his truly internalizing one of the deepest desires in his heart that he had locked away for so long. After living under that oppressive reality of dehumanization and exploitation and believing that there was nothing else for him, that this was all there was, that things would never get better and after everything he did up to that point, he didn’t deserve better, on top of Isabella throwing him completely off balance by shipping Norman out early and just being this incredibly conflicting and painful presence in his life, to have his siblings come together for this escape plan and without putting it explicitly in words convey “you’re worth saving, Ray, and we love you,” and that they gave him hope back

(Chapter 36)

it fucks me up something fierce.

Emma’s hallucination of Norman is much more brief during this time.

No words are exchanged, but none are necessary.

(Chapter 31)

After two and a half months of grappling with the real, palpable grief she felt at his death, seeing him around every corner and hearing his voice, and sublimating it into her efforts to ensure the success of the escape, she’s able to find solace in her vision of him before the wall.

(Chapter 119)

It’s why she sheds no tears for him until their reunion nearly two years later.

(TPN Light Novel 1: A Letter from Norman - “The Day Emma Cried”; translated by @1000sunnygo​​)

But up until that point, she repeatedly draws strength and comfort from his memory.

Even before chapter 93, she’s unconsciously reaching for him in her fevered dreams.

(Chapter 45 Side Scene)

Him and Isabella, predominantly in black due to her belief they’re dead, and Ray and the rest of the escapees who she hopes are still alive, predominately in white.

(Chapter 50)

Though she had to compromise on their original plan by only bringing along those over five at its outset, she’s committed to their end goal. She was the spark that pushed them to strive for the ideal outcome instead of settling for the safest one that would be tinged in regrets, and he gave up everything to facilitate it.

(Chapter 53)

The three-panel overview of her thought process ends on her final handshake with Norman. It’s painful enough for this man to be insulting her living family, but when her thoughts drift to the boy who had given his life so they would have a chance to live freely, who came to believe in all those things the man was disparaging, it’s the final straw that breaks her silence. She won’t stand and let her family be disregarded so casually or let Norman’s memory be desecrated like that.

(Chapter 64)

She eventually brings him up to Yuugo in an attempt to connect with him over lost friends, and her framing of it is interesting because while viewing Norman as having agency in making his choice (as much as they can have under the circumstances in that he went willingly, which isn’t much, but from her perspective as a traumatized child), she states simply that she let him go. (Shoutout to the way SKATES delivers said line in the manga dub. Wonderfully heartbreaking. </3)

(Chapter 30)

After she and Ray both knew how much he wanted to see the world beyond their walled existence and live on with them.

So when we get to chapter 93 where she’s on the brink of death, having visions of all the suffering experienced on the grounds of Goldy Pond before finding refuge and strength in visions of her family, the one who catches he when she begins to sink is Norman.

Unlike with the hallucinations at the end of the escape arc that were meant to obfuscate his fate, at this point we as an audience know he’s alive at Lambda, so this is all coming from the perception of Norman Emma holds deep within her heart. Even from beyond, even if it meant being separated from her longer, she sees him guiding her out of the unknown, murky depths so she can continue fighting to actualize their plan. (To say nothing of the way she imagines him delicately intertwining their fingers upon reaching her as the way he catches her. The association with safety and gentleness is always present and yet another valued refuge in light of the violence she’s in the middle of.)

Minor tangent to end on, but it’s interesting to me how when Emma brings up Norman’s name among people she misses, during the only time they privately mention him, Ray takes a beat to gather himself before focusing on what’s still obtainable in this life.

(Chapter 55)

There’s zero chance she blames him for Norman’s shipment, but he’s still not ready to look her in the eye and delve into it where they could potentially draw attention from others when he considers it a failure to his two most precious people after years of meticulous planning.

(Chapter 65)

But Norman’s still in his thoughts too as he adamantly refuses to fail Emma again.

(Chapter 93)

Though he comes very close.

(Chapter 123)

And he’s the one to remind Emma of how special their bond is when she’s having doubts about voicing her disagreement with Norman’s plan.

[greatwyrmgold]

After Worm ended, Wildbow shared some Parahumans drafts. There are a lot of interesting details that changed, interesting details that stayed the same, and a few things that were just weird. One weird thing that's stuck in my head for nearly a decade is the Rhizome Epidemic.

Out of the snippets provided, the Rhizome Epidemic is only mentioned in the 2004 one, TELUTT (The Events Leading Up to That Thursday). The Epidemic is a bunch of fungus growing somewhere far north enough that it has glaciers. It is noted for sometimes being hostile and producing materials that make great superhero costumes. No seams, bulletproof, cut-resistant, fireproof, "reduces the force of ambient psychic effects," and sometimes transparent.

I could speculate on the origin of the Rhizome Epidemic, whether it's a half-baked Entity "superweapon" or a biotinker creation or some other power effect, but that's impossible to know and not all that interesting. Instead, I'm going to speculate about why Wildbow included it in 2004 and discarded it by 2011.

So, one of the things Wildbow was trying to do with Earth Bet was construct a world where all the standard superhero tropes made sense. Hence (for instance) the 3-4 obscenely powerful precogs, their disparate goals and indirect conflicts pushing the setting towards a superhero norm.

Obviously, Rhizome fabric is intended to help with this. It's the super-suit—nearly invulnerable to damage, good at protecting its wearer from harm, and none of the unpleasant visual clutter caused by real clothesmaking techniques. It even comes with a built-in justification for cleavage windows and the like. It's not a bulletproof suit with a hole cut out right over her heart, it's a bulletproof suit with transparent fabric over her heart!

So why was the Rhizome cut?

Normally, I would argue that the line between "deconstruction" and "reconstruction" isn't fuzzy so much as nonexistent. Both of them take a closer look at a genre's tropes, depicting what the author thinks is a more reasonable version of them. Deconstructions tend to say "This wouldn't work"; reconstructions tend to say "Here's how this could work," but the two are hardly incompatible...especially since genres tend to have multiple tropes to xeconstruct. There are plenty of stories which people could argue as being either de- or reconstructing something; they might outnumber examples which are unambiguously one or the other.

However, the distinction is the most straightforward way to explain the difference between canon Worm and the Rhizome. Worm leans towards deconstructive; it is focused on the ways its setting differs from the Platonic superhero setting more than the reasons why it has superheroes. By contrast, the Rhizome Epidemic is purely reconstructive. From what we saw in the TELUTT draft, it exists to explain why the best/richest capes have costumes that would fit in a Silver Age comic.

Again, reconstructive elements could exist within Worm without ruining its tone; this is obvious, because they exist. (Coil's plans, particularly his early jobs for the Undersiders, are an obvious example.) But the Rhizome Epidemic would still stand out, because it only justifies a trope—and a pretty inconsequential, aesthetic trope at that.

I can imagine a Worm where Rhizome fabrics were incorporated into the narrative weave. Perhaps the flashy four-color costumes are used as a contrast to the grim and gritty reality of the world, with the Epidemic being a disaster that those in power are letting happen because it's convenient for them.

But at the same time, a world where most notable capes have bulletproof costumes, where superheroines regularly flash their cleavage to the world, and where these things exist because of a super-material that only serves to facilitate fanciful costumes and plot armor, is a softer world than Earth Bet needs to be. Worm isn't grimdark (as I'd define the term), but the darkness is needed for the story we saw to come togehter.

[willyoubemypartner]

Alyssa Cho - An Essay

Preface - Why is Alyssa so unsympathetic?

One of the things that’s odd about Alyssa’s character is that readers have rarely been so divisive over a single character, particularly about whether or not a character is sympathetic. There’s generally a consensus about the complicated nature of characters like Kousuke or even Rand, but Alyssa discourse feels very different.

During the formal arc, Quim has mentioned a few times that many scenes had to be cut due to Webtoon’s concerns about mature/dark content conflicting with adsense policies. Quim has recently mentioned weaving these scenes back in wherever possible, meaning that things were still happening in universe, we just couldn't see them. But now when these themes come up later to be more explored, they have to be introduced in a roundabout way for it to make sense. Instead of us getting what was intended and being able to build off that foundation as we follow the story and naturally understanding the pacing as it goes.

Now how does this tie into Alyssa? Alyssa in particular had important scenes cut from the formal - parallels we lost with Alyssa and Shin-Ae, the understanding and characterization of the Kims and other elites, the reality of her life in the idol world. It turned the formal into more of a ? than it needed to or should have been, and pulled the foundation of understanding Alyssa’s character right out from under us. We went essentially 200 chapters without really getting a look at her. She was introduced (like many ILY characters) in a certain way, but it took so much longer for her to get to show her depth and development beyond that mold. And it makes it so much harder for readers to see her objectively. People don't want to have to flip their entire understanding of and feelings towards Alyssa at chapter 230.

The foundation for Alyssa being more than just the attention seeker has always been there, we just didn't get to see it.

I don't always love Alyssa. But I feel for her. She's a real person as much as every other character. She’s not just "a girl who makes the wrong choices" nor is she just “the bad friend” or just “the trapped victim” - she is all of them . Alyssa may be misguided, but that’s just it - she's misguided because she never learned how to conflict. She tries to make the right choices, and fails. She’s trying her best and it never works out for her. And so she makes mistakes and she hurts people - including herself. And a lot of them are big mistakes, with very real consequences. She can see what’s really happening around her, but thinks that maybe it can work. And so she keeps making those wrong choices, because the core that she needs to change isn't something she feels safe to rectify. She’s miserable, but she can’t get out. She draws herself to the only light she can see, like a moth to a flame.

She’s introduced as this foe, even the mini Yui. And we're supposed to originally see her that way and know that that's now Nol has come to see her. But we are simultaneously supposed to break that down and see that she is also trapped. She idolized Yui and fell so far into the deep end without realizing it and now has to be Yui's puppet. The puppetmaster imagery is both Alyssa taking after Yui and falling for it, AND Yui taking advantage of her and Alyssa having no choice anymore but to play along and be taken advantage of. There’s that inherent dichotomy to how Alyssa acts and who she is and why she is.

Something about Alyssa is that her motives and feelings are almost always far more complex than they appear. Alyssa is so plagued by those parts of herself that she’s afraid of. Alyssa gets so much criticism for making her choices because for us it's so easy to see where she's going wrong. But, if she could really see it, she wouldn't be here. We know how this really ends and what would actually help, but all Alyssa has seen is that the way she handles things is the viable option. The whole point with Alyssa is that nobody helped her navigate these things . She's as much a victim as everyone else, even though she's hurt arguably our two most sympathetic characters.

Everyone thinks that she is an attention seeker. That she's successful and aloof and just drops people. Nobody is taking a second to see her childhood trauma, understand her real motivations, look at how trapped she is, how miserable. Nobody is extending a hand to her because they don't understand. And with nobody understanding her, nobody can give her an actual way forward, because everyone's attempts will be for a problem that isn't the real issue. Like many, if not all, of our characters, in order to understand Alyssa we have to acknowledge that the reason this is happening is because of unmet and unaddressed needs, lack of personal insight, being in survival mode - the person feeling like they had no other choice.

The people Alyssa hurt are our two main characters, and we are supposed to feel a way about that. But so much of the point is about how our emotional reaction to Alyssa isn't all there is. That she’s not any more or less evil just because the people she hurt are the ones we’re emotionally connected to. That she is a person who has her own story, her own motivations, her own mistakes, her own needs, her own fears, her own traumas. Not that it negates all the harm, but just that there is more to it. That we have to be able to examine and sit with our complex feelings towards her.

Unconditional Love & Chasing The Light 

At the core of Alyssa’s character is the desire to be seen and accepted for herself, at odds with the belief that who she is can’t possibly be okay.

We get some important insight into this throughout the Shinlyssa arc, but especially at Alyssa’s house and with the bullies. In Alyssa’s bedroom we see portraits of Hedy Lamaar, Thomas Edison, Nikola Tesla, Albert Einstein, Melba Roy Mouton, Alan Turing, Vera Rubin, and Sally Ride. The portraits were identified and analyzed by Kimione back in 2022 (https://new.reddit.com/r/ILoveYoo/comments/ws18yg/alyssa_cho_symbolisms_notes_and_scribblings/) as well as this recent post (https://www.reddit.com/r/ILoveYoo/comments/15sh4k7/the_portraits_in_alyssas_room_in_episode_190/?sort=confidence).

Recurring themes in the portraits are all of them being involved in groundbreaking science, contributions to communication or space, being both scientific and artistic, experience of inequity and adversity, and nonnormative sexuality. For all of these people, resilience and passion in the face of a world which did not see them clearly, which did not initially support them, carried them through to their success. For many of them, a key figure (or several) in their lives provided that support that helped them reach the world. Hedy Lamarr said that her father “made me understand that I must make my own decisions, mold my own character, think my own thoughts.”

In Alyssa’s case, we can see based on her choice of portraits and conversation with Shin-Ae that she wants to be seen for who she is, leave her mark on the world through her passions, be genuine in an off-beat way. Like those on her wall, she has a natural skill for both arts and science, but intends to pursue her passion for science, perhaps using her skill in the arts to inform her manner of thinking. The difference, however, is that she does not appear to have that support network. She says that her parents follow her every whim and she’s never been able to develop a real sense of self. We see that her mother puts on a face, appears weak, passive, the trophy wife. When Alyssa was home sick from school, we see her struggle to cope with conflict and rejection, curling up in her room and refusing to talk to anyone but Shin-Ae - yet she “flips a switch” the second she hears her father walk through the door. Something that she does often, as her mother even expected it. Alyssa establishes in that moment that it is not her emotions flipping a switch, but rather the fear of what happens when her father comes home and she is not who he wants her to be. She likely fears her strict father, and resents her passive mother. Either way, Alyssa clearly doesn’t feel supported in herself - she must be the perfect poster daughter, has no role models to look up to, has no understanding of how to make her own decisions, mold her own character, think her own thoughts.

Alyssa frequently exhibits self-doubt and feelings that nobody is listening, that nobody cares. That she must mold herself to whatever others want. That she has to keep parts of herself hidden. That what she wants to be is not something that she can pull herself up in the world through. That she has to bide her time and assuage people to earn her freedom. That she is trapped and isolated.

Although not directly confirmed, we get many hints throughout the Shinlyssa arc that Alyssa is a lesbian, that she had feelings for Shin-Ae. Alyssa being gay in a homophobic world, desperately trying to fit the social mold and find unconditional love, creates such a tragic outcome. While there are obviously so many more types of love than romantic, to have something Alyssa feels such shame for, something that she can not escape or pretend away, something she did not choose, something so wrongly yet so often considered a disease, an abomination, wrong, unnatural, nonconformist tied so directly to the experience of love creates such an all-consuming conflict in Alyssa. Even if she were bisexual, she could suppress enough of herself to fit the mold and find that love (as much as it would still hurt). With her being a lesbian, it enters the fact that she will never be able to find that kind of love while she’s hiding herself. That in her quest to fit the social mold to find love and validation she’s completely closing off that gate. There is something so incredibly tragic about that self-fulfilling prophecy, and it fuels so much of Alyssa’s conflict.

Something important is how much the Shinlyssa event affects not only Shin-Ae, but Alyssa. And, when talking about the Shinlyssa event, something so important to keep in mind is how young they were. They were children, only 12 or 13 years old, in a new environment - especially for Alyssa, who had never been outside the social environment of her home.

Shin-Ae is a character whose light shines bright, which everyone is caught in. That same light that she’s sharing with Nol. A light that even Alyssa was in back in middle school, but that she couldn’t stand in, because Alyssa couldn't accept all of herself. If she stayed in Shin-Ae's light, it would have illuminated the truths she's afraid of. Alyssa is so afraid of the light shining on parts of herself she doesn't want seen that she lets the light go out all together.

It's better in the dark.

So she snuffed out her own light.

She just wants to be accepted and thinks that nobody will accept her because of those parts of herself that she can’t accept. That she’s been taught are wrong. So she can not find acceptance and belonging, she can not stand in the light. And she settles for the closest thing she can find, that artificial light that lets her keep those parts of herself hidden. But that light will never come close when she has to hide so much of herself.

There’s likely only one time in Alyssa’s life that she felt that sense of unconditional love - in her relationship with Shin-Ae. How Alyssa felt the emotional support she desperately needed, that love she craved, that acceptance for her authentic self. How she felt seen with Shin-Ae. How she pushed her away because those are feelings she's not allowed to have. Not for an outcast. Not for someone so brazen. Not for a girl. Not for someone who sees Alyssa as she genuinely is. And now that feeling of actual love and acceptance may be something she never finds again. Only conditional. Only for her image. Her persona. Only when she does what she's told. But none of it true.

Alyssa doesn’t chase fame or adoration, she’s chasing acceptance while being unable to look at herself. She is in this career, in Yui’s grasp, as a direct result of the Shinlyssa event.

Nobody ever showed her safe unconditional love. So naturally she thinks that the only way she can be loved is by chasing adoration. And, as she got older, nothing has proven that wrong for her. The Shinlyssa accident factors so strongly into why Alyssa doesn't see another way. She did have Shin-Ae, but things still went so wrong. It was ingrained into Alyssa that she can not rock the boat, can not be in conflict, has to play nice with those around her. Shin-Ae was unconventional, unpopular, and unafraid to stand up for herself. That created tension between them, and a lot of problems between them and the other kids. Alyssa, in her world, kept trying to keep Shin-Ae and not cause problems at school, but it kept blowing up in her face. And, in the end Shin-Ae falls out a window. This is a horrible way to experience your first taste of interpersonal conflict and likely just solidified for her that you absolutely can not rock the boat, you have to placate people and fit the social mold. It's also likely that her parents were involved in the aftermath of what happened in middle school, considering how much it all got swept under the rug. With her feared, strict father and her good family image mother, I can only imagine what sort of treatment she was welcomed to at home after the Shinlyssa incident. Personally, I also believe that her parents wouldn't have let her anywhere near Shin-Ae afterwards.

Hidden behind the large home and private lessons is how neglected Alyssa was. Treated as a trophy to compensate for the eldest daughter being a disappointment to their overbearing father. Living in a home as the trophy daughter with the trophy wife. Alyssa’s statements of wanting to be part of a power couple come from that resentment, the deep desire to not be that kind of submissive, docile woman.

And then in comes Yui - this godlike woman. Mother. Businesswoman. Charitable. Charismatic. Powerful. Married to an honorable man. Promising everything Alyssa needs - love, validation, adoration, success, belonging. Offering Alyssa a chance to shine, compliments, (fake) love, the potential to become powerful and adored like her. And she idolized Yui, so she took the chance.

It was everything Alyssa needed, on a silver platter … until it wasn’t.

Yui knew exactly how to play her. Manipulated a 14 year old girl just like she does everyone. And by the time Alyssa could see any which way, it's already too late. We can see that she's exhausted. Miserable. Isolated. Always 'on.' Always playing her role. Always on high alert, in survival mode. With Yui over her shoulder, groupmates that hate her, having to be dolled up for everyone she meets, no true allies anymore, being watched and exploited at home, at work, at practice, in the dorms, in public, at events - there is truly not a single place Alyssa feels safe, let alone accepted or loved. And yet she can not leave. She can't stop. They won't let her go now. If she were to stop, she'd have to fail . She has never been allowed to fail. Her life now is miserable, but she sees the price of failure as being even worse.

I think that we're going to see Alyssa continue down a dark path. She's never lived in a reality where it feels okay to be herself. She's pushing so much down and trying so hard to become what other people want her to be so that she may finally fit in. Be loved. Feel like she belongs.

Every one time someone says she's doing great it's like a hit for her, but it's so fleeting. So she has to keep chasing it, because she doesn't know where else to get it. But the more she chases it, the farther and farther down a dark path she goes, running after a torch instead of the sun. And the farther she gets, the harder it is to find an exit. So she has to keep chasing the only light she can see and just hope that it gets her somewhere.

Survival & Safety 

In the case of Alyssa, so many people underestimate the effect that an emotionally volatile upbringing can have on you and how you interact with the world. So many people are choosing to ignore that Alyssa is emotionally neglected and likely abused at home. Shin-Ae feels more like the victim to us because we're seeing the story through her eyes and we know that without money you can't physically live, but the thing Alyssa has lacked all her life, the thing that she needs is to feel like she's accepted and loved. That she, herself, is enough.

At the core of all of her actions, beliefs, choices, is one simple fact - Alyssa feels unsafe.

And even Alyssa’s song - she knows full well that she’s trapped now. The imagery points right to Yui. As Alyssa said, she’s not dumb. The entire time that we’ve known Alyssa, she’s known where she stands with Yui. When she talks about Yui at the formal her eyes are closed. The entire time she’s talking about Yui being charitable, nice for giving Shin-Ae a job, not being where she is today without Yui, wanting a mother like her, wanting to be like her. Her eyes only open again when she says she’d love to be part of a power couple. These are all things that Alyssa likely believed about Yui when she first met her, but has since seen the writing on the wall. The savior she ran to in order to escape her unsafe family life turned out to be even worse. And this is even what leads her to Gun Kim in the recent chapters - in the same way she desperately needed to escape her family, now she desperately needs to escape Yui. But since Alyssa doesn't believe in herself, can't let herself shine enough to brave the world and gain control on her own, she needs someone by her side. Needs to be part of a "power couple." This time it's Gun who comes in, the sparkling savior. Except Alyssa does know better this time, we can see that she's uncomfortable around him, that she knows the sparkles fade. But it’s too late now, and Alyssa just hopes to play the game long enough to gain some of her power back.

"Everything will go to waste I’m trying to find my way back But all these red hues keep me locked in place I can stay captive a bit longer So long as I end up on top"

Alyssa has been playing the game because it's the same game she had to play at home. Keep your head down. Do what they say. That way they won't hurt you as badly.

And when we remember that Alyssa's socioeconomic status is closer to Kousuke's than to Shinae's we can understand even more the implications, because it's not just about Alyssa’s weaknesses. It's about how it reflects on her family. Alyssa and Meg act as parallels to Kousuke and Nol, the golden child and the black sheep. Constantly told to not embarrass the family, don't make them look bad, live up to your potential. Nol and Meg are seen as wildcards, burdens, disappointments, people who do not fit the social mold and make everyone's lives more difficult. So Kousuke and Alyssa feel such intense pressure to fit the mold exactly. To never be out of line. To be someone that lives up to their family name. That brings respect. That doesn't cause trouble.

We see this same concept play out in the juxtaposition between the reaction to the girls’ catching Yui’s eye.

When we think about the parallels of Yui swooping in and "stealing away" both Shin-Ae and Alyssa the biggest difference is that Nol could see Shin-Ae, see how miserable she was even if she didn’t explain it to him. And, even then, the only reason even Shin-Ae ever opened up and leaned on people was because she had to. Because Nol had already seen it. He was able to nudge it out of her after seeing her eviction notice and pile of bills. After seeing her so blatantly miserable at the formal. And once someone had seen her weaknesses and supported her, she gradually was able to build back that trust that she spent so long unable to draw upon. But she didn’t start that by choice, she just chose to continue.

While for Alyssa he can’t see it - so much of her misery has been out of his view, she doesn’t open up and lean on people and is so good at putting on her brave face. The more people know your weaknesses, the more they have to use against you, and Alyssa sees so many weaknesses in herself that she can’t trust anyone. Alyssa has been trained all her life to hide anything negative. Never step out of line. Nol was able to see it in Shin-Ae because she’s easier to read, but nobody can see it in Alyssa because she’s been taught how to hide it. Shin-Ae’s biggest strategy for hiding her state was to avoid people - Alyssa is able to hide in plain sight.

Alyssa is always a strong contrast with Shin-Ae, and we can see it throughout the formal. Something so important to this parallel are cut scenes of Alyssa that foreshadow the recent developments we’ve seen of her with the Hiraharas and the Kims.

Such a theme of the night is how lucky Shin-Ae was that Kousuke and Nol didn't have ill intentions around her and were looking out for her. Everyone was looking out for Shin-Ae that night, but no one was looking out for Alyssa. Even her own parents, the people who above all else are supposed to keep you safe, sold her out to the entertainment industry and never looked back. And, to be fair, we come back to her self-fulfilling prophecy - Alyssa is afraid to be herself because she thinks her true self isn’t worthy of love, so she pushes people away, and then has no one. But, at the same time, Shin-Ae has also been pushing everyone away. Nol has to stalk her to gain her friendship, she coldly and pointedly rejects Dieter, she keeps Maya and Rika at arm’s length, she doesn’t tell anyone (even Min-Hyuk) about her problems with her home and her dad. But the difference between Alyssa and Shin-Ae is, in many ways, how well they hid it. With Shin-Ae it was obvious that she was keeping people at arm’s length because she had been hurt. With Alyssa, she’s keeping people away because she’s afraid, but she’s been taught very well how to keep up appearances, so it looks as though she just doesn’t care, that she’s more concerned with herself and her image and her career. So people leave her alone, while they chase after Shin-Ae. While everyone was off chasing Shin-Ae, Alyssa was alone with the elites - no one looking for her, no one caring where she was.

Alyssa is, at her core, so very alone.

Unreliable Narrators & Nolyssa 

One of the most pointed failings of Nolyssa, especially in comparison to Stalkyoo, is how much Nol and Alyssa really don’t know each other at all, despite being more privy to the details of each other’s lives than almost anyone else. Both of them are in survival mode, putting on masks day after day, not letting each other in, seeing each other as something they are so very not with goals and desires that only scratch the surface. On the one hand, neither of them have really put up a fight, but also the circumstances were against them. They weren't in a position to help each other. They were both kids with needs that weren't met trying their best to survive. Children forced into playing an adult’s game.

Nol and Shin-Ae are both unreliable narrators. Shin-Ae actually acknowledges this, specifically in relation to Alyssa, saying that she only ever has her side of the story. In Nol’s case, he sees Yui for what she is, and wants others to see it, too. But he also believes that everything is his fault, that it all stems from his existence, that Yui may be a villain but it’s because of him, not that Yui does what suits her best. And that makes it so hard for him to even begin to guess that Alyssa sees Yui for something else, that Alyssa fell for Yui’s manipulation for reasons that he couldn’t see and that she realized after what had really happened. That she could praise Yui, focus on her career, devote her time to this game, and be lying about it all. He sees that validation seeker and he didn't see beyond it because she didn't let him see anything more than that. He’s good at being able to tell when people are putting up a facade, but not so much why .

Alyssa is so much more complex than just someone seeking validation, and she is meant to make us sit with complex feelings. Meant to make us figure her out, to see beyond our unreliable narrators. To accept that she is more complex despite how negative her interactions with our two most overtly sympathetic characters are. We are supposed to be clued in to her more than they are, to see those things that none of our narrators can see.

Nol states that she knows how his family makes him feel, but does he know his family makes her feel? How this whole game makes her feel? That she wants off this ride but it's too late and she can't do anything?

Ironically, Nol is being used as Alyssa’s protector, but not in any intentional way. Nol said that he tried to steer Alyssa clear of Yui, but honestly it doesn't seem like he really tried. When Shin-Ae gets the invitation to Kousuke's apartment Nol just says that Yui is a nice lady. I think that Nol tries to save people from Yui by encouraging them to appease her and then wean away from her, thinking that as long as they do what she wants Yui won't hurt them. But obviously that's not how Yui works. And, Alyssa fell right into the trap, just like Shin-Ae.

But, where Nol is protecting her is by being the “boyfriend,” protecting her from the predators around her. Even if it's not much, having Nol as a boyfriend keeps those close to the Hiraharas who may try to take advantage of her just a bit more at bay. They can't step on the Hiraharas’ toes. I especially think that now that we've seen more of Alyssa's world, how she got where she is, and what likely lays ahead for her. And, it honestly works well for Alyssa - Nol is respectful, not interested in her, doesn’t push her, she doesn’t have to do anything to appease him, doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Doesn’t even have to pay attention to him (although she should, if even as just a friend). And I think that Alyssa does know this, and that’s part of why she fought so hard when he did for once express his own needs and desires and tried to break it off. I think that, once Nol is gone, it's basically open season on her, and it's going to be so incredibly hard to watch - that fake relationship is probably the final barrier keeping her in some semblance of safe.

But, the thing is, Alyssa's fate isn't Nol's responsibility. Alyssa does not deserve to be preyed upon, but Nol also doesn't deserve to be trapped and suffocated. We can see how much being in this relationship hurts Nol, suffocates him, how it's keeping him on a one-way path to misery. How, as much as she does not deserve what likely lays ahead for her without Nol, he does not deserve what lays ahead for him with Alyssa.

As much as I defend Alyssa, urging people to understand her complexities as a character, how her choices are born out of her own survival mode, how she is falling back on the methods that she learned from her home life were the only way to survive, how she has never felt safe and that leads directly to the choices she makes and how she feels that she does not have a choice at all - Nol is not the one responsible for her path, her choices. Some combination of Alyssa, the adults who failed her, and the adults who groomed her are responsible.

I mentioned earlier how Alyssa ended up here as a fallout of the Shinlyssa event, and that implicates Nol’s position too - both in relation to Alyssa and to Shin-Ae. If Shinlyssa had survived, Stalkyoo would never have been. All of this growth between Nol and Shin-Ae, chasing that future - it never would have happened. It’s even possible Nol wouldn’t be around anymore. Everything is a chain reaction. Sometimes there is no choice where everyone turns out okay. No matter which way it happened, one of them was going to be in a bad place. Which is the same way things are going with the potential ending of Nolyssa. Either Nol suffers or Alyssa is in danger - there's no scenario where they are both okay.

Shin-Ae is likely going to be a foil to Alyssa, and she may watch and have to understand. To see why Shin-Ae is so capable of being what she isn't. That at the end of the day Shin-Ae was always enough. That Alyssa was always enough. How different things would have been if she could’ve accepted herself and stood in that light. That if she could, people will come along who love her for who she is. That there was so much she couldn't see at that time and now it's too late.

Conclusion 

Despite how easy it is to dislike Alyssa, to to write her off as the validation seeker, the bad friend, the self-serving naïve idol - there is so much more to Alyssa to see. The girl seeking to fill that unmet essential need for unconditional love. The girl who has never felt safe. The girl who was never taught how to handle conflict. The girl who is so afraid of herself that she pushes everyone away. Who hides herself so much that no one knows who she really is. Who’s reputation for herself and her family rides on her back. Who is miserable but sees no way out. Who is trapped by choices she made as a child. Who still makes all the wrong choices because she doesn’t see any other way. Who is just as much a victim, desperately trying to survive, as everyone else.

Now she is trapped in this prison, abused and trafficked No way out in sight No one on her side Only empty love and adoration Chasing artificial light, snuffing her own out from fear of those inner truths, never feeling safe, having to keep going to have any hope of getting out but keeping going being so so bad and likely never going to get her there

Above all else I hope that Alyssa can learn to accept herself. That, even if she realizes it far too late, she can see that was all she ever really needed. Because she can’t have that love that she wants while she’s so afraid, so much in hiding, so fearful of the truths within herself that could be revealed if she stands in the light. The thing about Alyssa is that she pushes genuine people away because of this fear. And therein is her self-fulfilling prophecy, but she makes these choices because she doesn’t know what else to do and ends up further and further trapped. I feel an intense sadness for Alyssa as she, like all of our characters, is in survival mode herself and just trying desperately to fill an unmet need.

And, again, it's not about liking or disliking Alyssa. Absolving or convicting her. It's not that simple. As complex as she is as a person, so is her role in the story, her perception within us. But it's about understanding her - who she is, why she makes her choices, how she got here.

I will reiterate again a point from earlier - the people Alyssa hurt are our two main characters. We are supposed to feel a way about that. But so much of the point is about how our emotional reaction to Alyssa isn't all there is. That she’s not any more or less evil just because the people she hurt are the ones we’re emotionally connected to. That she is a person who has her own story, her own motivations, her own mistakes, her own needs, her own fears, her own traumas. Not that it negates the harm, the wrong choices, but just that there is more to it. That we have to be able to examine and sit with our complex feelings towards her.

In the words of Hedy - “I’m a very simple, complicated person.”

And that concludes my full length essay about Alyssa and why I have feelings

[celestiall0tus]

Even if you didn't intend negative implications, they are still there and may hurt real people.

The "future vs past" motivation behind distribution of Syren's Song characters seems a bit far-fetched to me. Kagami and Sabine are supposed to be connected to their traditional cultures. Marinette and Nino (and Sabine) aren't connected to futuristic themes in any way. And lot of characters on the hero list aren't known for a connection with the past.

On the mental health thing with Bloody Bug, I am not saying mental health topics should not be explored, but when all characters of colour who have mental health issues just so happen to have them of a dangerous to others and "scary" kinds - violence and obsession - and the only white character with mental health issues, Luka, has social anxiety, which is harmless for people around and is perceived by society as an "endearing" trait, a "gentle lamb" as opposed to being seen as a "monster", it kind of doesn't look well.

The problem wouldn't stand this much if you gave any white character non-pretty issues to deal with. There's Chloe who in your story doesn't even feel much conflict between her former cruel self and her current heroic self or any relapses (bad habits die hard) but is just magically a good person now, there's Sabrina who has been traumatized by Chloe earlier and also did messed-up things that also were forgotten by everyone including herself next moment, there's Adrien who had a lot of non-pretty issues in canon that could be explored, there's Felix who even if he's better than his canon self, still isn't a sweet kid but is moved offstage by the narrative. Exploring at least one or better several of these could balance the scales.

And while you have the right to have topics you react painfully to, so do other people. And negative racial stereotypes are real and harm people. Including portraying Middle Eastern people as violent. Including portraying Asian girls as obsessive. Including applying blatantly different standards to wrongs done by people of different origin. And that IS a bothering thing. And I am being serious. I am asking you not to argue with me and defend yourself but think of the effect your stories can have. Think of people who get treated as "unstable" in Western countries due to their origins, who experienced being condemned for things while other people's faults get glossed over, and need encouragement and support from stories, not further condemnation. Please don't make it about your hurt dignity instead, or about how I'm too ignorant to understand complexity of your stories. Because it isn't about me either.

Nope. Nope. Nope! Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck everything and everyone. You hit every button to trigger everything and now I'm retaliating. Now I'm lashing out.

First of all, Siren's Song is full fucking AU, bitch. I can write the characters how I fucking please. I don't have to stay to fucking canon if I don't fucking want to. Do you think Nathalie is a pscyopathic killer bent on suicide? Do you see Marinette suffer from severe depression after being in a car crash that took everything except her life? Do you see Adrien making a deal with a kwami to live at least one more year before he dies? No? Then why the fuck bring canon into a completely different AU that you know absolutely nothing about? Especially when there has only been two AUs of mine that pull from canon and even then, those are divergences.

Speaking of, let's cover that Bloody Bug again. Second, how fucking dare you. Social anxiety is harmless? Who the fuck do you think you are? Do you have any idea how damning that is to people? I may not suffer from it, but I have friends and family that do. I've had to watch and still watch that anxiety keep them interacting with people "normally" and see them question what is wrong with them when they hit that low point. It's not fun to watch and is damning. I don't fucking care what your society, yes your society, sees it as. Social anxiety is a massive fucking bitch. Not to mention "normal" people questioning what is wrong with them like they're a problem.

Third, I understand the harm things can cause PoC, but canon is no better. I had a friend warn me about making Nathaniel the goat like he is in canon because of the negative connection between Jewish individuals and goats. It was then that I learned that Nathaniel was Jewish and saw it on the Wiki. Fuck's sake, I wouldn't have known Alix was Arab unless I looked on the wiki and saw it. Until Bloody Bug, I thought she was just a French girl. I even had friends that were surprised to hear she's Arab-French. Furthermore, Alix is shown multiple times to be afraid of her anger and that violence that is a trigger of anger. She is seen fighting it until she hits her low when she gives into it, as is usually the case for anyone. If I was just depicting her as angry and violent with no real reason, I'd consider your words, but I'm not. There is reason to her anger and violence for the first two seasons. However, season 3, it's not there. Why? Character growth and development. Alix has gone through that big arc and can now focus on being a better person.

Four, Marinette is just as obsessive as in canon. The only difference is I am taking it seriously as a disorder that is being taken advantage of by a manipulative person, causing it to fester rather than a haha look how silly she is. You want to talk harming, lump canon in with my stuff because that's where it all comes from. This has already been implied with the reveal in the prior chapter of Bloody Bug that Mayura likely has her hooks in Marinette. As I said before, Marinette won't be able to get better until the end of season 3 when she is freed of Mayura's clutches. But that doesn't matter so long as it's displayed once, right? Who cares about the character's journey to be more than what they were, right?

Fifth, Chloe and Sabrina aren't the same as they are in canon. Chloe had her cruel moments, but wasn't as bad as she was in canon. Sabrina may have been misused from time to time by Chloe, but they were ultimately friends. Yes, the spider thing still happened, but kids are naturally cruel, so I kept that. Adrien's issues all revolved around his unrequited love for Ladybug and neglect as a hero. Take away those issues, you lose a lot of what he was. That's why here he's more of a cinnamon roll than in canon. Felix is still an ass, but he isn't actively destroyed Adrien's life like he was in earlier seasons. You'll be seeing more of him soon, but he's still an ass.

Sixth, this is close 3rd person for the second time. A lot of things are going to happen in the background because they aren't important to ADRIEN AND ALIX and their stories. I'm not going to sit there and share every little detail that happens behind the scenes like canon does. I'm following Adrien and Alix and when they learn of something, it's like first, but using third person language.

Seventh, Everyone has their own problems in Bloody Bug. However, this isn't Miraculous AU, Paradise, Absolution, Salvation, or any other of my work. I'm not going to sit here and go through all the issues that people have and their journey to recovery. I did that with Miraculous AU because it was integral to the story, but it's not for Bloody Bug. They are there to flesh out the background characters and add pieces where canon would have just left it as a one off line. The only people who really matter are Adrien and Alix. And Alix had her arc, now it's Adrien's turn.

Eighth, fuck you. You are parading around issues that are non-issues. You are bringing attention to shit that you long since missed your opportunity on. This is far from the first Alix that has been portrayed as violent and angry. There have been others and I'll share for the class and you:

Oh look! Four other Alix that are just as angry, violent, and rebellious. At least Bloody Bug Alix feared her anger. These ones embrace it and let it fuel their rebellious spirit.

Ninth, you know what? If you want to condemn Bloody Bug for my misrepresentation, why don't we touch on all my other works, shall we? I mean, I have all day, and I'm sure you do too at this rate. I am also incredibly petty little fucking bitch that long let go of parttaking in a society that long deemed them broken and wrong, so I have no issue rising to a challenge that doesn't need to be challenged. So, why don't we? How about Miraculous AU where everyone's issues are solved so much faster because of miracle powers? What about Paradise that brings in religious and cult like idealogies and mentalities? Oh, and Paradise with the white woman wanting to purge the world all to save her dying son and all manner of people flocking to her for salvation? Or the heavy ideology that the villains in Paradise are the angels and the demons that want to keep things as they are being the heroes?

Tenth, take your canon and shove it. Unless we want to go back and forth about all my works plus canon and how they misrepresent PoC or religious groups, then you can shove off.

Eleventh, and final, I will always write for the character first. I will keep in mind the background of the character and try to represent them more than canon did, however, I will also consider the story. Is it important? Does it need to be said? How far is too far? I have considered these questions, especially for my novel, where I'm still going back and forth, but ultimately am willing to risk the plunge for the character themselves. Just as I am with Bloody Bug, Siren's Song, and every single AU I've made so far. If you don't like it, disrespectfully, block me and fuck off. Anything else you say at this point will be duly ignored and deleted.