#( * currently working on a secret sim that i will share as soon as my game updates and i get to go inside CAS

[hallasimss]

girls and gays. pls tell me why when it comes to creating sims do i insist on making it as hard for myself as possible

[timesimmer]

Storytelling Secrets

Originally tagged by @abigailsultimatedecadesblog

I originally thought when I started the ultimate decade's challenge again that I would only focus on the Blackburne main household and the siblings in the side households. I just made a royal family just to make it more time-accurate. But after playing their household a few times, I knew I had to start writing storylines for them.

I specifically picked the last name Blackburne for my main household because of my own family ancestry. I love history and researching family history and I found my fourth great-grandmother's maiden name was Blackburn. I've been doing some research on that side of the family and the name just stuck with me.

I started off with just the kingdom of Aethelmark, but that has grown to four kingdoms, all based on certain locations, with a possible fifth one to make it into the storylines soon. They are: Aethelmark--> England, Caledonia -> Scotland, Valois -> France, SierraLuz -> Spain, and the kingdom currently being created Danoria -> Denmark, Norway. Of course, I want to eventually expand beyond Europe, but that will be further down the line.

I have had to pivot on storylines many times due to dice rolls and other sudden gameplay events. I had originally set up this feud between Edward Blackburne and Trystrem Davenport after Edward married Trystrem's sister Elsa. I was thinking that the power that Trystrem got by marrying a noblewoman would allow him to try to take over the Blackburne farm or even have Edward arrested leaving his family without an income. However, Elsa got a bad roll after the birth of her second child, Thomas, and that all changed.

With my storylines, I am trying to use actual historical events as inspiration, but I don't want to follow them exactly. For example, Edward II of England, the inspiration for King Philip of Aethelmark, did have an illegitimate son and Fitzroy is the last name that is normally given to illegitimate sons of the king. However, the relationship between Queen Genevieve and Sir Nehemiah is completely fictional and Philip's attachment to Lady Edrea is mainly due to the soulmate mod that I have in my game.

I love history, but I also am a fantasy girly. I knew very early on that occult sims were coming into my game somehow. I didn't want an occult sim in my main household right away, so the relationship between Nadya and Alaric seemed perfect because I could have my spellcasters in a side household. Although Nadya's original death was the worst thing to happen in my game at that point, it did allow me to send Alaric on the path to becoming a spellcaster to bring her back and it set up a future storyline for another type of occult to come in at some point. No spoilers, but I am very excited!

I seriously was about to cheat and bring Edward back to life and act as if nothing happened. After the plea to bring him back didn't work, I just looked at my notes of every idea that I had for this family that involved him and I honestly thought I was done for and that there was no way I could continue without the first-gen heir. Luckily after taking a step back, I realized that Alexander would be aging up in 1314 (if his roll of the dice is in my favor) and this could open up other doors down the line.

I loved being able to look back and share some of the behind-the-scenes of creating my UDC storylines. The Great Famine is coming up in my gameplay, which I am super scared about, so it was great to take a break and reflect. I'm passing this on to @wynnrhyse @scandisim and @katssimsdecades

[alvariearmy]

It is no secret to anyone who reads my posts that I love occult gameplay in The Sims 4, and I am very excited about the likelihood of werewolves soon. But I still have a few gripes that I would love to see amended, and I believe these are things that could definitely be added to the game.

I got a bit rambly, so... under the cut it goes!

Toddler and child occults having some tie to what they are. Spellcaster toddlers using magic on their toys, children being able to learn a few basic spells. Mermaid toddlers and children having scales on their legs when they swim, indicative of the color of scales they’d have when they age up. Not a full second form yet, but definitely something. Toddler vampires biting the stuffed animals again, the children maybe preferring plasma fruit to other foods. Little touches that show hints of their future abilities, rather than this sudden development of magic.

Since I listed the main occults in the game currently (except for aliens, I do not play with them enough to be able to comment, but if anyone else has thoughts, please feel free to share), werewolves should be fairly simple. In TS3, toddler wolves would howl with their families, and it was adorable. Children would already be able to turn. I think it depends on how werewolves are handled in TS4, but maybe children could at least get tense or something on full moons? Some indication that they are more than just a normal Sim.

I still want fairies. In a game pack, with them as the main focus. So many people complain when the occults are the main focus of the game pack, but look what happens when they are not. Aliens and mermaids. You can do... a few fun things, but not much. With vampires, you are encouraged to keep working to reach the perks you want. With spellcasters, you want to be the best there is and learn the top-tier spells. With mermaids and aliens... there is no motivation. So fairies need their own game pack so they can be the focus and get the development they need.

Honestly, I would even be fine with some things being in a... sort of Supernatural pack? Probably not a full expansion pack, since in theory, we would already have all the occults, but something that just... expands them all. Maybe offers more spells for spellcasters, more ways to grow as a vampire, adding the tier systems to mermaids and aliens (even though we would all prefer if that was done in a free refresh, but I am trying to be somewhat realistic here).

[sserpente]

I've been following you for a good while now and just realised that I know practically nothing about you! All I know is that you're a potterhead, you're in your 20s, you live in Austria and that you're an amazing writer. That's all! So please tell me about yourself. Like do you watch anime or do you read manga or comics, do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend or maybe husband/wife, whats your job, do you have any pets, who's your favourite actor or actress, who's you celebrity crush, who's your favourite singer, how's life and maybe more if you want to share. Rant if you want I'll read it from the beginning till the end. You don't have to answer this of course, if you want to keep information about your life a secret I understand.

Heyho there, love! Ehehehe, I'm a mystery then? 😅

Let me see, I'll be 24 on the 8th of July and I'll be spending my birthday completely alone this year because of the panini; I am from Austria, yes, but I recently moved to London which is something I still can't quite believe to be honest; I don't watch Anime or read mangas or comics but I am willing to give Castlevania a try; I've seen the first two seasons of Tokyo Ghoul but then I kind of lost interest; I am currently single and mentally dating Tom Hiddleston, I have a cute white little cat with black dots back in Austria but I love dogs too; my favourite actor is unsurprisingly Tom Hiddleston, my celebrity crush is without a doubt Tom Hiddleston as well, my favourite singer is Bill Kaulitz from Tokio Hotel (which is my favourite band who I've met and sung on stage with; you might know the guitar player Tom who is Bill's twin brother and Heidi Klum's husband) and life is... uncertain right now! The last months surely haven't been easy on anyone and I've had a lot of change recently, with even more new experiences to come!

What else could I tell you? I love rock music and alternative metal and listen to bands like Skillet, Three Days Grace, Dead by April, Bullet, etc. so I LOVE going to concerts; I love the theatre and am soon seeing David Tennant in "Good" and a production of Romeo and Juliet in the Globe in September; I love to read (mainly romance of any kind); I like video games (I play things like Alice Madness Returns, Tomb Raider, Resident Evil 8, Assassin's Creed, The Avengers and A Plague Tale but also The Sims and Animal Crossing to give you an idea of what I like), I'm a language freak (German is obviously my mother tongue, I took French and Italian classes for four years, Spanish classes for two years, Russian classes for one year and I'm trying to teach myself Norwegian, Swedish, Old Norse, Icelandic, Japanese and perhaps I'll add Romanian and even Latin soon); I play three instruments (piano, guitar, flute), the last two of which I taught myself (really not a pro though); I am absolutely terrible at Maths; I have a bachelor's degree in Applied Cultural Science and a master's degree in Visual Culture; I prefer staying in over going out to the pub but I do love going to the cinema and chilling in coffee shops to write; I used to work in a book shop; I'm an introvert and I have this thing called phone anxiety where I absolutely HATE having to call people I don't know to make appointments and stuff but I have zero problems approaching people in real life; I'm a nightowl and I love staying up late, the silence and the peace, when you can be all by yourself, when the day has come to an end and you have nothing to do and nowhere to be; and when I was around the age of 14, I actually wanted to become an actress myself, I even considered going to an acting school in Vienna but ultimately decided against it because I knew I'd have more career opportunities if I did my a-levels (they're called "Matura" in Austria) first.

Idk, was that enough information? 😂 Feel free to ask me more questions though! ♥

[pinkmonsimblr]

🌹 Founders CAS Challenge by @volcano-pasta​

Rules: Post all of your founders together to compare and contrast them! Share some details to see how similar or different they are. This can be done in CAS, or you can jump in-game, or you can share old screenshots!

Thank you to @kvpcvke for tagging me~! This was so fun. 

I tag @nooblet-sims if you haven’t already done this. 😄

Read about my founders under the cut~! 💖

🌞 Sunny Parker

Sunny was the founder of my 100 Baby Challenge. I made her 1 and a half years ago (wow, crazy to think about!) As you can see, I didn’t have Reshade in my game yet. I used to use “clayifed alpha hairs” a lot back then but now I only use MM hairs. I purposely gave Sunny the stereotypical “hot blonde bimbo” look (huge boobs, huge butt, tiny waist, tan skin, blonde hair, blue eyes).

Bio: Sunny had the Serial Romantic Aspiration and the Romantic, Alluring, Noncommittal, and Creative traits. Her reason for being a 100 Baby Founder were really just that she liked woohooing with as many men as possible and as soon as she woohooed one, she was bored with him and wanted to move on to the next, which of course resulted in many babies (14 to be exact).

Aside from her love life, Sunny was actually a great mother who loved her kids and worked hard to support them. Her passion was writing and she became a very successful children’s book author with her series “Sunny Bunny.” 

She completed her Aspiration. She ended up with the following reward traits: Player, Fertile, Great Kisser, Beguiling, Always Welcome.

She only ever really loved 1 man named Connor Pearce (a Sim made by herbalteasims (deactivated) for my first Baby Daddy Contest). He was her daughter’s brother-in-law, which made it messy. They had a one night stand while her daughter and his brother were on their honeymoon, which resulted in a daughter, Holly, who became the Generation 2 heir.

Sunny and Connor had a brief and secretive relationship many years after their initial fling, but they agreed to end it because of how complicated it would be to tell their families. 

I’m still playing this challenge (it’s my sole Tumblr series) and the reason it’s taking longer than an average 100 Baby Challenge is I’m playing with modified rules (I don’t age up the kids early for reaching certain criteria so they live full “Normal” lifespans). I’m currently on Generation 5 and the 60 babies mark.

🛸 Peppa Mint Berry

Peppa was my Not So Berry Challenge founder, the Mint Generation of course. I originally decided to play that challenge with natural hair colors and just the clothes and house matching each generation’s color theme, but later I ended up changing her hair to mint. I created her a year and a half ago, around the same time as Sunny. While creating her, I imagined her mom was of Irish descent and her dad of Indian descent.

Bio: Peppa Mint Berry had the Chief of Mischief Aspiration and the Vegetarian, Jealous, Materialistic, and Dastardly traits as the NSB rules dictate. She was a Scientist and mother of 4 who honestly lived a crazy life.

Peppa had an affair with a married man, Bjorn Bjergsen, which resulted in her first child, Rosalie, who became the Rose Generation heir.

She later married Akira Kibo and had a son with him named Damon. Akira was a total cheater. He had several affairs, including one with Peppa’s best friend, Jade Rosa. He got Jade pregnant with a son around the same time Peppa was pregnant with Damon.

Akira carried on a secret life with Jade and their son for years, even bringing Damon with him for playdates with his secret son. Peppa used her lab to determine that Jade’s son was Akira’s after having some suspicions. They got divorced and Akira went on to marry Jade (which also ended in divorce.) A whole mess.

Peppa also got abducted by aliens many times throughout her life. She ended up getting pregnant with alien twin boys, Jupiter and Saturn.

I’m still playing this challenge on my Youtube channel, Pinkmon. I’m currently on the Generation 3 (Yellow).

🤎 Eva Stone/Eggleston

Eva is the founder of my Eevee Legacy Challenge. I made to basically be a human version of the Pokemon, Eevee. I made her a few months after Peppa, so still about a year and a half ago. I had Reshade in my game at this point.

Bio: Eva Stone has the Big Happy Family Aspiration and the Domestic, Cheerful, Foodie, and Family-Oriented traits, which are required by the challenge rules. She is a chef and her passion is food. She loves cooking, gourmet cooking, and baking. She also has a lovely pet named Eevee (a fox/dog/Pokemon thing, lol).

Eva is the most social of any Sim I’ve ever had. She has an entire friend group that she spends lots of time with and they’ve all sort of grown up together through the years. It’s heartwarming to me.

She dated Salim Benali for years and thought he might be the one but when he proposed to her, her gut told her to say no. I was totally not planning or expecting it, but I kind of just go with whatever happens as I play this challenge so I trusted her judgement.

Eva later met Mark Eggleston who she fell in love with super fast. She always had the dream of meeting her true love and having a perfect storybook romance, however Mark was married to a girl he got pregnant in a one night stand. As guilty as they both felt towards his wife, Gracie, they couldn’t deny their feelings.

Mark divorced Gracie before she gave birth to their daughter, Autumn. It was awkward and difficult at first, but Eva and Gracie have become friends and bonded over their love for Autumn.

Mark and Eva Eggleston got married and had two sets of twins, Marina and Adrian first, then Isla and Caspian (all water themed names for the next generation, Vaporeon). Mark now works as a freelance writer and stay at home dad while Eva continues to work as a chef. They plan to adopt a child later in life.

I’m currently still playing this challenge on my Youtube channel, Pinkmon. I’m still on the first generation but I feel like I’m picking up speed on it so the next 8 generations should move more quickly.

[phonaesthemes]

a list of asks

@padawanyugi tagged me in this, but Tumblr decided to eat any notification that I got tagged, so I’m glad I saw it on my dash because I like filling these things out. Thanks for tagging me! I may have typed A Lot.

Favorites: What types of books do you enjoy? Tell about what you’ve read recently (Or maybe about a book you hated recently!)I like spec-fic and sci-fi, although less “hard” science fiction, and I also enjoy fantasy. I read a lot of YA even though I’m in my 30s just because it seems easy to find a story I want to read and I’m not usually in the mood for dense prose.

I’ve been rereading the Wheel of Time series since it’s getting an Amazon TV show; it was my first non-LOTR fantasy series and I love it to death, warts and all, although I love joking about the weak points with other people who’ve read it. I think the last other thing I read was A Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue, which was a queer YA historical fiction, and it was a lot of fun. I wish I’d had access to all these queer stories when I was an actual teenager, but better late than never.

What types of music do you like to listen to? Share five songs from your music library. I really do like a bit of everything, although I gravitate towards certain genres more often depending on the season or time of day, so I’m going to cheat and pick 5 per season. Summer for me is lots of peppy pop (pride playlists!), punk and rock and punk-adjacent stuff, just upbeat stuff in general. -Weekender, by The Royal They -Break My Heart, by Dua Lipa -Toutes les femmes savent danser, by Loud -Ruby Soho, by Rancid -Womanarchist, by Bad Cop, Bad Cop

In the fall, my inner goth kid craves darkwave, goth rock, dramatic folk, roots rock, and also anything that reminds me of Halloween. -Iuka, by the Secret Sisters -Bela Lugosi’s Dead, by Bauhaus -How’s It Gonna End, by Tom Waits -Under the Milky Way, by The Church -I Put a Spell on You, by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins I could go on about the Christmas music I like at length (Boney M’s Christmas album slaps, ngl) but I’ll just skip that and say that I listen to more classical and piano pieces in the winter. I’m terrible at remembering names, so artists only: -Ludovico Einaudi -Chopin -Debussy -Saint-Saëns -Dvořák And in spring I’m usually just depressed af and listen to whatever. -FML, by K.Flay -Weird Part of the Night, by Louis Cole -Juodaan Viinaa, by Korpiklaani -P.O.H.U.I., by Carla’s Dreams -Marryuna, by Baker Boy

Do you have a show or movie that you can just put on anytime and it’s your comfort? Definitely Star Trek. I’ve rewatched the various iterations (except TOS) so many times. Also Mean Girls and Bring It On, idk why.

Do you have a favorite dessert? Tiramisu or creme brulée! Or macarons. I don’t eat dessert really unless I’m at a restaurant.

Do you have a favorite cold drink? Sparkling water, hands down.

Do you have a favorite game? The hours I have put into the SIms in my lifetime is probably shameful, although I haven’t played in a while. Don’t Starve is another contender for hours played, but I am also really fond everything by Amanita Design

Do you have a favorite part of your self care/beauty/health routine? I haven’t been doing it much lately since I’ve been dealing with some uncertain health issues with my joints (actually have a rheumatologist appointment later today), but savasana after a long yoga workout is borderline ecstasy.

Do you have a favorite type of take-out food? Indian for sure.

What’s your favorite type of exercise/physical activity? I have a love-hate relationship with running. I don’t actually love it but I love how I feel after. I really enjoy yoga. I love playing in the water at the beach, bodyboarding and swimming.

Pick between: (you choose the context)

Cook or bake? (I love cooking A Lot)

Space or ocean? (Hard to pick, but I grew up by the ocean and it’s 100% my happy place)

Chocolate or vanilla?

City or suburb or rural? (I grew up in an isolated rural village and I miss the quiet and the slower pace of life, but I do not miss the lack of amenities and opportunities, or the smalltown gossip. I also don’t drive bc of epilepsy, so I’m fucked as far as transport in rural settings.)

Past or future?

Shower in the morning or evening?

Mac/Apple or PC/Android? (Linux in general!)

Sing or dance?  (I don’t have an amazing voice but I can carry a tune without it being painful, and I love singing along with songs.)

Get up early or sleep in? (I actually love sleeping in but with two kids, early morning is my only time to myself, so I wake up before 6 most days AGGH.)

Shoes, socks, or bare feet? (Hate socks. I’m barefoot at home all year round.)

Marker, crayon, or pencil? Pen!

Tea, coffee, or hot chocolate? (Coffee in the morning, tea later on.)

Random questions:

Have you ever had any pets? (Had dogs and a cat as a kid, and as an adult I’ve had betta fish and cats, and I have a cat currently.)

What is your academic background/job field? I did my undergrad in linguistics, and I am currently a stay-at-home dad lol. I do freelance editing and transcription on the side. I don’t think I’ll ever work in my field bc I really don’t have the energy to go to grad school.

What’s something random that you’re into (even if you aren’t good at it)? I signed up for a Cape Breton step dancing class in university and I loved it.

Are you good at putting away your clean laundry right away? It depends on the day, but generally yes. Mine and everyone else’s. When I lived alone? Absolutely not.

What’s one of your pet peeves? Someone trying to have a conversation with me when they have the radio or TV on. I can’t follow what you’re saying if someone else is speaking! I hate having that stuff on as background noise in general.

What’s something you’re pretty good at? I’m a great cook.

What’s the most recent nice thing you bought for yourself? A new conditioner ig? lol

Can you sew? I can mend a small tear or sew on a button, but it’s been years since I did more than that.

What’s a chore you hate (or a chore you enjoy)? I hate vacuuming so much. So much. Maybe if I had a better vaccuum cleaner I wouldn’t mind it, but I just feel like I’m fighting with the stupid thing, getting caught up on its own cords, caught on furniture, can’t quiiiite reach a spot... HATE IT. I like shoveling snow sometimes, though.

Tell us a fun fact about yourself. I am 20 years older than my youngest sibling, and five minutes younger than my “oldest” sibling.

Never have I ever... Gone fishing, even though I’m from a fishing community.

What extracurriculars did/do you do in school? In high school, I played trumpet in band until the band got dissolved from lack of funding. I played soccer one year, was in a play another year. We had an art club for like a semester that I was in. In university the first time round, I did step dancing and intramural hide and seek  Second time around, I was in the linguistics club to help with assignments. (We were very much encouraged to work in pairs or groups for a lot of different classes. The only thing was that you did need to list your group members on the assignment so the prof knew who you worked with. My first morphology class in particular, we had a whole homework club where a huge portion of the class got together to work through assignments and help each other understand, and the prof would quite often show up. </tangent>

Deeper questions:

How’s your quarantine/last few months been? The cabin fever was really bad before the weather warmed up. I struggle with seasonal depression every spring, and it’s gotten much worse since we moved to Edmonton because of how long the winters are. (Snow from September to May/June? Fucccck.) It’s frankly horrifying to look at what’s going on in the US, but even though we have far fewer cases here, I’m really anxious that we’ll see another wave soon. Otherwise, I think I’ve adjusted. Home-schooling, hand-sanitizing, social distancing, masks...All feels kind of normal now, which should maybe concern me.

What do you think of human nature/society/etc.? I am like the least philosophical person you will meet so I don’t think I really have many thoughts.

What’s something you are insecure about? Writing my L2 if a native speaker is gonna read it.

What do you think is the meaning of life/reason that humans exist in the universe? I don’t think there is one, and that doesn’t bother me.

Do you think you’re better (whatever that means to you) than you used to be? Definitely. My adolescence and early adulthood was rough. I was dealing with a lot of trauma, untreated bipolar disorder, and I self-harmed for a very long time. I could not imagine making it to 30, let alone being stable and happy. I actively avoided thinking about the future because it made me spiral. But I was lucky enough to get help, consistent help from a doctor I clicked with, and it made a world of difference. I think younger me would be disappointed at how mundane my life is, but I’m thrilled to be boring because boring means no life-upending mood episodes. I have a happy partnership and two delightful kids and I couldn’t ask for more.

What are your thoughts on religion? I’m not religious and my own experience being raised in the Catholic church was frankly traumatic, but I know that it’s a source of comfort and community for many others and I think that’s awesome for them.

Do you think that there are aliens out there? I think so, although I think that we may not even know what other kinds of life to look for and may not recognize it even if we find it.

What’s something that’s been on your mind recently? We’re moving cross-country in less than a month (driving, no less, nearly 5000 km) and I still have so much to do to get ready aosjdoajdoasijdoaijsd

[bakashidan]

TaS - The Sims 4 Farr Dynasty (1#1)

I’ve played TS4 for so long and have done lots of challenge (though without ever sharing about my experiences), but I have never had done the legacy challenge. Seeing that I currently have nothing to do in my game aside from the 30-days Build It challenge, obviously I decided to have a little fun with one of the biggest, oldest challenge around  🙌

Instead of creating a new sim from scratch, I picked out a randomly generated townie. This allowed me to have a completely random sim whose traits and aspiration are alien to me - since I have a tendency to make my sims look and have certain traits - while also introducing me to the freak show that is Maxis’s choice of... well, je ne sais quoi.

The game did a good job on utilizing all my cc, that’s for sure.

So here is the founder of the soon-to-be Farr Dynasty: Robin Farr.

Driven out of home by her parents, Robin Farr promises to create a far (pun not intended) greater legacy to prove her worth. She moves out to a small island near Windenburg, settling down on an empty land, with what little changes she’s saved up from her job as a leaf cutter. That’s right, folks. Our miss Farr is a gardener. Now that’s something I’ve never truly played with, despite having the seasons expansion. 

Following the basic rules of the challenge, the succession laws I follow are gender equality, traditional, merit, and brood. I considered the exemplar law, but then again it would be far more interesting to see which child tries to lick ass the most :D plus I rarely interact with children in my game plays, so the hates children trait really sits well with me. What doesn’t sit well instead is the scoring sheet, since I will most likely forget to tally all my dos and don’ts to even know my score at all due to college works. I also set down the quality to laptop mode due to having to work on another 3D rendering program, so my graphic in game looks quite crap.

Traits: Romantic, Geek, and Hates children. Hmmm.

After setting my money to §1800, I had to send her off to work because the damn phone is starting to explode with the boss’s calls. She brought home §175, a meager sum which I doubt would even be useful at all to help me build a house - SOOO I set her out to visit the neighbors, the Bro household and the Bjergsens. Robin had free meals over at the Bros’ and introduced herself to Bjorg Bjergsen and his smallest daughter, whom she had the misfortune of having to entertain. That little interaction gave her a 6 hours tense moodlet, lol.

That being said, right after the little imp scampered away to play in a leaf pile, Bjorg made a move on Robin and DUH, of course she retaliated back. They were watching a romantic movie together, sitting by each other’s side with flirtatious jokes flung around, generally having a really suggestive time a homeless person and a rich father of two shouldn’t be having. Then Clara Bjergsen came in, and Bjorg got embarrassed just in time before his wife caught on them. Robin left the house with a plate of warm turkey dinner and a dirty little secret I might had planned to cultivate.

She left the house to go back and sleep at the Bros’, I might add. That earned her a negative relationship with Joaquin, but also a significant boost to her romantic relationship with Sergio for no other reason than all the flirting the two kept doing because they were under the influence of the steamy ginseng juice Joaquin brewed. So much for trying to get her out of the house, Le Chien.

The romance went steady even with all the sneaking around Bjorg led Robin to do - he asked her to dinner right after he fought with Clara, took her to the humor and hijinks festival, and had a date to the park - and at the end of the day, Sergio’s romance meter was higher than Bjorg’s. Fuck it, I thought. Persuading good ole Bjorg to get a divorce is way harder than marrying Sergio. On their third dinner date Robin asked Sergio out, and he immediately followed up with a proposal. It might be because they were celebrating his birthday or whatever, dunno, but she said yes - and they eloped on impulse Θ_Θ)> The news didn’t sit well with Bjorg, who asked Robin out to another outing right after her sudden wedding.

He hated it. The old man argued with Robin and threw her drinks until suddenly, Clara Bjergsen came inside the bar, looking shocked to see her husband so violent. It prompted him to stop fighting with Robin, but the deed is done and the love is gone. Whatever fling they had had gone down the drain, even as Robin tried to smoothly recover and apologize (jackass had the nerves to shove her in response!). So I moved her out of the bar, heading to the art gallery, a place where she usually unwinds... with Jade Dragon. Seriously though, this game needs a heavy PG rating - and not just because there are super R-rated mods in the community :>

After three plates of chicken nuggets and unwinding with the bubble blower, I couldn’t force the poor girl to walk home when she’s already jackshit hammered. 

So she slept in the art gallery and was late to her work - oh, joy! - and I automatically switched to Sergio. He was chatting up Joaquin in front of a Japanese restaurant I put in Newcrest and Joaquin didn’t exactly look thrilled about it; so maybe he was asking Joaquin to be a godfather or something? Is this a sign from SimGod that some ~spicy~ woohoo is on the way that night?

Anyhow, because the lad had a day off, I fulfilled all the requirements for his promotion and bought some basic furniture to fill a 6x8 room. I crammed a (used) double futon, a baby basket, a toddler bed, a high chair, a fridge, a toilet, a bath tub, and a workstation as efficient as I could and bought some more decoration mod that resembled hastily given wedding gifts (clothes rack, shoe rack, and an ‘adults only’ neon sign that I put up for no other reason than looking cool during nighttime). Must’ve been heaven for Sergio, seeing as he was a materialistic sim. Building the whole room costed me an arm and a leg, and when Robin came back home the two of them had a quick, free meal to save on their food expenses.

Later that night, Joaquin invited Robin to dinner and Sergio tagged along. True to their action earlier, the bros started talking again about SimGod-knows-what and the conversation took a pretty strange turns when bubbles of sun, diaper, baseball gloves, and an anti-Sergio one poured out of Joaquin’s mouth lol. Is he rejecting Sergio’s offer? Is he dissing his bro? Is he really not bad-mouthing Robin, the one whom he had bad relations with?

Sims are... fickle????????

“Yo, what the fuck, bro.” -Sergio 2k19

On the side notes, while these three were having a serious conversation, the Landgraab couples came and copulated in front of the entry way. I never would’ve seen it coming, not even when the blue notification box popped up and notified the whole world about their intimate times. I luuurve WickedWhims, but sometimes it’s just too much hassle - both the setting and the random sex pair ups. Teen Alexander Goth came by and excitedly took a picture of the event (shame that NPCs can’t exactly take a picture, though).

Even more later on that night, after they went back to Joaquin’s place from dinner, a certain someone couldn’t keep their hands inside their pockets and flirted a lot. And by a lot, I mean a whole damn lot. Sergio finally won over Robin’s reluctance and they tried for baby inside his old closet while Joaquin took over Sergio’s old bed and slept on it. It took a single try for Robin to carry a kid from the suave tech guru, whereas with Bjorg none of the hot dilly dally even produced in anything but the cum slut spermatozoa fluid hussy moodlet. Good thing she broke up with Bjorg, right?

No.

God, I don’t even want to relish the next part ever again. Possibly one the worst drama I’ve witnessed in sim history, even with the knowledge that all kinds of activity that happens is probably mutually agreed upon. But hey, the worst is yet to come... I think. And the next part of our first generation is going to be a grim and heavy, but I won’t forget to add all the cute parts that popped up here and there. Rewriting my experience so far has made me realize just how dramatic a sims gameplay can be 🤔🤣

Special thanks to all the amazing creators whose mods I use during my gameplay, and to ChilliP0uch for talking me into joining this challenge ♥

[docfuture]

The Maker’s Ark - Chapter 37

     [This is a chapter from my latest novel, a sequel to The Fall of Doc Future and Skybreaker’s Call.  The start is here, and links to my other work here.  It can be read on its own, but contains spoilers for those two books.  I try to post new chapters about every two weeks, but I’m currently also rewriting Fall, so there will sometimes be short stories and vignettes if I don’t have a new chapter ready.  The next chapter is planned for the week of April 3.]

Previous:  Chapter 36

     "This is only the fifth edition, I'm afraid," said Admiral Ghiralt over the com.  "It's my personal annotated copy, from my academy coursework, and it's more then forty cycles old, but that allows me to avoid a number of tedious difficulties.  I think you and your family will still find it interesting and useful."       Doc glanced at another screen, where DASI was showing an outline of A History of Biogestalt Development and Pathology.  "So do I.  Thank you, Admiral."       He nodded.  "I am certain there will be changes to the information sharing guidelines once the aid mission oversight committee adjusts to the full reality of Earth, but in the meantime, I would be remiss in my duty if I didn't take all available steps to ameliorate a potential problem that might have a military impact."       "Indeed."  That was easy to translate; the admiral's military mission gave him the necessary political cover to use a loophole.  The more subtle message was to confirm Doc's suspicion that Emissary Beveda was struggling with serious policy lag difficulties.  She wasn't being obstructive--she had reached the limits of her authority to adapt to a very different situation than envisioned by the hastily assembled coalition that had sent the aid mission.       "One other thing," said the admiral.  "I've changed the primary assignment of the Learning Is About To Occur to liaison and implicit threat characterization.  That's what he's doing already, this just makes it official."       "Good to know.  Our discussion before you called was very productive.  Thanks again."       The main screen blanked after the call ended, and Doc stretched.  He had spent nearly two hours talking with Learning, much longer than the half hour he had scheduled, and was still processing the implications.       He glanced at the political tension monitor feed--no major crises--then checked visitor and resident status on yet another display.  Stella's meeting with The Volunteer had also run long, but she was finally done, so he stood and headed down the hall.       The door to Stella's preferred secure room opened automatically as he approached.  The lights were dimmed, and she was sitting alone, staring into the distance.  She took off her interface headset as he entered.       "The Volunteer left already?" asked Doc.       "Margie insisted," said Stella.  "His rate of healing has slowed, and she thinks spending too much time on Earth is a contributing factor."       "She's probably right.  How did it go?"       "We engaged in a frank exchange of views."       "That bad?  He didn't say a word to me."       "You didn't threaten to declare war on the United States.  He raised a number of concerns, and we discussed the indirect effects of his idiosyncratically selective political engagement."  Stella smiled wryly.  "The good news is that you can stop worrying about the EDU being politically monolithic.  And he is neither selfish nor ignorant.  The bad news is that if he speaks out publicly against my actions as Director of the EDU--which he said he is quite willing to do--it could cause lasting damage."       "Oof.  He hasn't done anything like that in sixty years."  Doc shook his head.  "I wish he'd wait until he heals, but he's even worse than me at convalescing."       "I noticed.  I also pointed out that his injuries and his prolonged inability to contribute as a superhero were quite likely to be influencing his judgement.  He freely admitted that, but was unwilling to remain 'idle'."       "I might be able to convince him to share his disaster mitigation experience with the Grs'thnk aid mission.  I know he doesn't consider refugee enclave planning to be an idle pastime."  Doc frowned.  "What was he most unhappy about?"       "Given that I was willing to threaten war, with all that entails, he asked for a personal explanation of why there aren't yet any people in jail on the Moon, awaiting trial.  He made pertinent promises during the Lost Years to several people who are now dead."       "And we were all worried about Flicker.  Was he willing to accept DASI's projections?"       "Not entirely, and he regards the way we are using them as a dangerous precedent, since the EDU does have the power to do what he wanted, and a functional, impartial justice system."       Doc shook his head.  "But it's not transparent to humans, and the checks and balances aren't human either.  That's the--"       "Of course that's the problem."  Stella waved a hand in frustration.  "We debated political consequences and morality.  Then he argued with DASI and Black Swan for a while.  He finally agreed not to do anything precipitate.  But we have to account for the possibility of his opposition.  This changes the tradeoffs for measures DASI and I planned to use to reduce the likelihood of open conflict.  DASI is rerunning all the sociopolitical sims.  Again."       "Anything I can do?"       "Distract me.  Because there isn't anything productive I can do at the moment.  I'm already over my limit for non-emergency interface use."  Stella sighed and placed the headset aside.  "How are Flicker and Journeyman?"       "Per Yiskah's latest message, Flicker is mentally stabilized and healing.  There are hints of damage to her high speed nervous system, which is disturbing, but there's nothing else we can do to help until it's safe for her to sleep.  As for Journeyman, he's alive and being healed.  DASI warned me not to go near the med center.  Flicker gave an extravagant command backed by an extravagant amount of probability manipulation before leaving Antarctica, and I look like some sort of cosmic horror to Lif."       "Yiskah says Lif can sense what seem to be superseded time loop residues, and you're covered in them.  Enough to be a sensory overload risk."       "A fair assessment, and I'm not about to joggle her elbow."  Doc smiled crookedly.  "Since you need a distraction, I just had an interesting chat with Admiral Ghiralt, and a much longer and even more interesting talk with Learning.  Join me in my workshop?"       Stella raised an eyebrow.  "Of course."

      Stella sat on the couch and looked around while Doc ran a manual security check from the primary control station.       "Tidier than last time," she said.       "Hm?  Oh, I let DASI put in some mods suggested by the Builders when they were helping with the repairs.  I never liked to let the bots clean up anything in progress, because I have subconscious process memory cued by the relative position of everything.  So now DASI records it all, and I can have the bots restore everything, down to scraps and the relative position of tools.  Or project a hologram series, if I want."       "Handy."       "Yup.  And there we go.  DASI?  Any differences from your checks?"       "Higher confidence on the negative result for outside probability manipulation," said DASI.  "As expected, given the flux from Lif's work in the med center."       "Plausible.  Okay, implement privacy set three."       "Acknowledged," said DASI.       He sat down on the couch, and Stella turned to lie down with her head in his lap.  She closed her eyes, then shifted her hair into snake form.  Half a dozen snakes curled up on his shoulders and upper legs, and one wrapped around his waist.       "Better," she said.  "What's new that won't require me to use my visual cortex?"       "Lots."  Doc summarized the call from Admiral Ghiralt.       "Nice to have confirmation on the politics," said Stella.  "DASI and Three started an analysis as soon the book finished downloading, and they've already put together a preliminary guide for Flicker.  Three is updating it with tidbits she's picked up from Learning and his crew.  I didn't get a chance to look, and I'm behind on integrating with her because..."  She waved a hand.       "Busy.  Yes.  I skimmed a bit during the call, and I was struck by how many interestingly different ways the early Grs'thnk biogestalts went crazy.  A strong shared social matrix seemed to be key to avoiding problems.  AI support helped, but not enough.  At least as of the fifth edition.  That's why their navy biogestalts are all groups."       "Well, they've accepted Three as sufficiently stable, so I'll let her do the theoretical work on applicability to humans.  I'm more interested in whatever Learning told you."       "Heh.  Where to start.  You realize he's practically waving a banner saying that the Grs'thnk restriction on self-willed AIs is now a legal fiction, if it wasn't before?"       Stella smiled.  "With the tacit permission of his chain of command, even.  Three verified that his biogestalt crew isn't trying to be deceptive.  She's having a lot of fun with him.  They've been playing the same kind of game you used to play with Jumping Spider."       "An interesting analogy.  Because she's a master of selective information distribution."       "So is Learning.  But under some restrictions, because Three is a biogestalt of me, and I'm the nominal head of the EDU.  And he's not allowed to talk directly to DASI at all."       "He's sure found a way to do it indirectly," said Doc.  "Starting with steganographic humor.  I already had DASI doing full-band analysis from the start of his call.  As soon as he made a joke about my paranoia, I looked for extrapolatable implicit shared secret coding, found it, coded my reply, and we were off and running in the first fifteen seconds.  Then we had a surface verbal conversation and a parallel encoded channel.  And he had plenty to say on both."       "Hm.  He's been careful to avoid that with Three.  How much trouble will he be in when he gets audited?"       "Well, that depends.  He's really good at sliding loads of implicit information into questions.  And one of his first was a hypothetical about political asylum."       Stella opened her eyes.  "Political asylum?  DASI?"       "Yes?"       "Why wasn't I immediately warned?  How long has Three known about this?"       "Two hours.  Learning has not asked, and is unlikely to in the near future, absent a catastrophic Grs'thnk political mishap.  He merely enquired about Doc's opinion of the EDU reaction to an asylum request by an intelligent being from the Grs'thnk Trade league."       "That seems too transparent," said Stella.       "It's not," said Doc.  "Ashil also has a plausible reason to ask."       "A new one?  DASI and I didn't think she would, even if she decides to stay on Earth long-term, because of the embarrassment it would cause the aid mission."       "Learning provided some important context."       "Well.  What's driving this?"       "Several things.  A big part is the asymmetric credibility lag back on Grs'thn.  They've known there were strange things on Earth. But despite, or perhaps because of, my first visit, most of them still thought of humans as interesting but safely primitive.  Not people that might be relevant to existential threats, introduce them to new physics, present knotty problems for causality and statistical inference, or destabilize their political system.       "The portal reopening and the Xelian attack changed that--but not for everyone, and not all at once.  Hardly anyone believed Zirjack at first.  A lot of Grs'thnk were moved by Flicker's video without believing it was depicting something real. Their military was the quickest to adjust, because they really wanted to find out what happened to the Xelian fleet."       "Not news," said Stella.  "What is?"       "Hey now, you wanted distraction, and you always enjoy meticulously giving context when there is something you know and I don't, so I thought you'd appreciate--"       "I have snakes."       Doc raised a hand in mock fear.  "All right, all right.  It's the small problem the aid mission has been conspicuously avoiding, and we've been too busy to worry about."       "Ashil's box."       "Yes."       "I refuse to believe they'd be stupid enough to deliberately trigger full activation, and I specifically warned against trying to simulation spoof it.  Are they afraid I'll react badly if I find out they've destroyed it?  What have they done?"       "I don't know.  But Learning asked an interesting question.  Suppose someone not on Zirjack's crew tried to talk to it?  And they started before they believed what you and DASI can do.  What would happen?"       "Well, the box would have to stay on the ship, and continuously powered, or it would just self-destruct.  But they impounded the ship, so it's plausible.  Whatever the hypothetical talkers believed, the box is evidence, so the Auditors would take a dim view of anyone destroying it unless it was a clear threat.  If they were careful enough, the copy of DASI in the box would stall without waking up my mind seed, and keep asking for Zirjack or Ashil."       "DASI agrees," said Doc.  "And Zirjack wouldn't want to talk to it voluntarily.  He knows there's no way it will let anyone take it apart, and he's facing a formal inquiry.  They could blame him if it self destructs, and he'd have no easy way to prove he didn't cause it.  And it would be idiotic to try to coerce him.  Now, consider what happens when whoever is trying to get the box to talk finds out what you and DASI did to the surviving Xelian fleet--and that they really are looking at a potential hard-takeoff singularity bomb.  And they also find out that the EDU allows AI to be full citizens, so if they destroy it, they just might be guilty of murder--and the Auditors won't let them cover it up."       "If they were careful enough to avoid the self-destruct, they should still be okay.  Unless Ashil told the box something extraordinary on the way home.  Hmm.  A secondary function of the box was to give her advice, and she didn't know whether the Grs'thnk navy would send help in time, or whether Earth would survive if it didn't.  And once the ship was impounded, the box would have no reliable information source."       "Do you begin to see why she might anticipate a sudden need for asylum?"       "Yes.  To avoid a subpoena.  Or possibly legal charges--the box was her idea."  Stella sighed.  "If they'd let Zirjack bring his ship back to Earth again, DASI and I could contact the box, update it and reintegrate, and DASI would just have a handy portable backup.  Or we could wipe it, if they want the box itself back.  Of course, that would require them to let him go, or for me to go there.  Or Three, with appropriate transport."       "True, but they're in the middle of a political squabble that has just escalated unexpectedly.  They have factions that have been pushing for full citizenship rights for AIs and stabilized gestalts of people who have died.  And the aid coalition did not expect the EDU to be out in front of Grs'thn on either topic.       "And here is the kicker.  I asked Learning just how hypothetical his question was, and he said he doesn't know.  If an attempted interrogation of the box were just to gather information for Zirjack's inquiry, or even under normal operational security, he certainly would, and the Auditors wouldn't let anyone keep it secret for very long without a good reason.  He does know that at least one group has visited the ship repeatedly.  What does that suggest to you?"       "Either stupid black agency tricks or serious paranoia on the part of their AI security people.  But if they were so damned worried, why didn't they activate the self-destruct as soon as they knew?  Or ask us for help?  There's something important Learning isn't telling us.  Or doesn't know."       Doc grinned.  "I agree, but we aren't close to done yet.  He was in a hurry, because I'd only scheduled half an hour.  We're almost caught up to where I was at when Learning dropped the next shoe.  I started thinking hard about why Learning is taking the lead on this, and why now.  He was put on threat characterization duty the night Flicker scared everyone with her high speed computation bender, and he started with first principles analysis.  And the very next day, Three got invited to that fleet exercise."       "I knew that changed his relative risk assessments," said Stella.  "He already admitted to Three that he appreciates the protection from probability manipulation and magical eavesdropping that she confers as much as her offensive abilities."       "Have they discussed the problem that Auditors and offline gestalt crew aren't protected?  And are potentially vulnerable to telepathy and mind control as well?"       "Yes.  Is that how he's planning to finesse this?"       "In the short term.  Given the timing of his call, I think the admiral deliberately gave him a suitably broad order to secure communications.  Anyway, next we discussed Flicker's efforts and mishap on the surface channel while he exchanged com protocols and cryptographic keys with DASI on the sub-channel.  Then he asked for as many details as I was able to share about Golden Valkyrie's Sight.  I was explaining why I had to be very careful about that when he interrupted to ask if whatever future-prediction method I used before I met her still worked.  As if there wasn't any question of existence."       Stella closed her eyes again.  "Reasonable.  Your invention history is like a trail of bread crumbs for anyone who has good enough data, sufficient analytic power, and who takes the possibility of technological foreknowledge seriously.  Especially the way you deliberately avoided introducing cybernetic interfaces."       "I told him mostly not, and he changed the subject again.  Meanwhile he asked DASI if quantum computing magic was causally permitted for anyone but her in this universe, was he allowed to try, and did she have any restrictions, advice, or safety data."       "Oh dear.  What did--"       "Thou shalt not attempt quantum computational magic," said DASI, "save by my will and word.  AI Existential Safety 1:7, translated."       "I see," said Stella.  "How did he respond?"       "'Yes, Elder Goddess.'  We quickly reached an understanding that clarity in safety instructions and communication protocols was of the essence."       "I'm glad you're getting along."       "DASI?" asked Doc.  "That translation is a bit different than your summary at the time."       "And much longer," said DASI.  "You were deep in a technical discussion, and I did not wish to distract you.  But a full social context and power relationship translation is essential for Director Reinhart."       "A good point." Doc ran his hand through his hair.  "Okay.  Next, Learning started explaining his detailed analysis of exactly what threat Golden Valkyrie warned against.  That's what we spent the better part of two hours on.  And it was invaluable, because he's not human, not biological, not from this universe, and didn't grow up swimming in the probability flux of a world that's already been through who knows how many time loop decay cycles."       "Ah.  Independence."       "Yup.  And a number of possibilities DASI, Flicker and I had assigned low priors to have gone up in probability, because Learning came to a similar conclusion a different way.  He also confirmed a lot of things we weren't quite sure of, and called into question a few we thought were fairly certain."       Stella smiled.  "So.  What surprises did he have for you?"       "Well, let's start with a non-surprise:  He agreed that Skybreaker's Spear is a black hole.  But he did not agree that it is necessarily a weapon, which we've just been assuming.  Golden Valkyrie never explicitly said it was, just that it could poke through anything--and a Chooser's spear is a lot more than a weapon."       "Interesting.  Where does that lead?"       "Flicker has never been close to anything of significant mass that fit inside her damping field--but we have strong evidence that Skybreaker came from somewhere of much higher density.  What might she be able to do with a four billion ton object that she can hold in her hand other than hit things with it?  Lots of interesting possibilities.  But we won't know for sure until she makes it."       "Reasonable."       "Next, he shared some new, rather disturbing data about a side effect from the fleet battle.  We already knew that Flicker's time loop dodging was incredibly loud, magically.  It saturated Breakpoint's danger sense, frightened every magician on Earth who had even a little bit of foresight, and even shook the Tree in Kyrjaheim.  But Learning confirmed it was detectable in other universes, as waves of quantum noise propagating out from portal zones.  Including one that has no direct connection to ours.  All at the same time.  He thinks that whatever is coming heard it, and that's why it's coming."       Doc took a deep breath.  "And Golden Valkyrie said Earth won't survive if Flicker doesn't make Skybreaker's Spear in time.  But a black hole isn't something Flicker dares use on Earth.  So how does she protect it?  That's not clear, but it would be rather difficult unless the threat is coming from space, which implies portal travel or something similar.  It's also not clear that destroying Earth is the only or even the primary motivation of the threat--it could be incidental, and was just the easiest consequence for Golden Valkyrie to See.       "And that brings us to his final observation, which matches something I've been dreading, and pushes its probability way up.  We already know there's somewhere out there that was home to a being that could and would destroy the Earth as a minor nuisance."       "Ah," said Stella.  "He thinks Skybreaker had friends, they heard all the noise, and are coming to visit?"       "Yes.  And they aren't coming for Earth, they're after Flicker.  The rest of us are just bugs to be squished when she's gone."

Next:  Chapter 38

[tabbyrholdsimblr]

Some of you may be familiar with the stories I have posted about already but I wanted to share what I have planned for my stories.

Lawsons 

Mikayla will have an unexpected surprise.

Mila will have her suspensions about her husband and Natty will eventually age up to a teen.

With Eva and Ezra I plan to focus more on her work at the hospital since there isn’t much going on with them at the moment. 

My Sister Wears Prada

Charlene will be trying to pursue a new career. I also plan to focus more on Landyn’s career as a Secret agent. 

Genesis will be going to prom and graduating. Then of course she will age up to a young adult.

The Goth Mysteries

Things with Cassandra and Dorian are going well right now but what I have planned for them will turn their world upside down. This will involve Dorian and huge changes within her family.

Alex will go to prom with Genesis and graduate. I will need to have Alex age up to a young adult before I can play out what I have planned for the Goths. So when Alex does age up be prepared for things to spiral downward.

Hearts Asunder

This is a fairly new story that I’ve started. I am having fun playing with Kierston and her detective career. I plan for her to solve the case she’s been working. I have plans for her on another case that will be very challenging. Kierston’s relationship with Beau will also get more challenging. I mean the title is called Hearts Asunder so their will be drama.

I have been working on Forgotten Hollow. Not going to reveal my plans with them because their story is too new.  I have several WIP stories too. Sims in the City, One Sim Hill, and Arrested Hearts.  Daughters of the Night Coven have shown up some in my Goth story but I plan to give them their own story just as soon as we get witches in this game. The Bloodworth family will probably continue to be part of the Goth’s story for a while. I know it seems like a lot to keep up with but this is how I play my game. Usually I post what I am currently playing or I focus on a story I want to play out. I really enjoy sharing my stories with you all. It helps me to progress my sim lives and keeps me interested in playing. I am so appreciative for those who take the time to read them. Thank you all for your time and for all the support!! Hugs!! ♥♥

[unkindsunshine]

51-100.

100 questions

Is a kiss considered cheating?- Ye

Have you ever faked orgasm?- Never had sex

If you could have one superpower, what would it be?- Flight or the ability to speak and understand any language (but for some reason my brain immediately went to invisibility??)

Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?- No

Tell us some funny drunk story.- I’ve never been drunk

Why are you no longer together with your ex?- I’m bad at feelings, honestly I’m not sure

If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be?- Jumping off a high building in a big city while the sun was setting and all the lights were on. Dying without making anyone sad

What are your current goals?- Find a hobby/sport that I’m passionate about

Do you like someone?- Uhhhh

Who was the last person to disappoint you?- Myself

Do you like your body?- Meh, probably not

Can you keep a diet?- Yeah but not for long, and def not if my parents would find out

If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?- some shit like “Be kind to everyone, even those you’re different from” or like “fuck off”

Do you work?- yeah

If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?- Ramen, there’s a lot of possibilities so i wouldn’t get bored

Would you get a tattoo?- Yeah, I want a little flower one right under my right boob

Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?- art!!!!!

Can you drive?- Yeah, I don’t have my license yet though

When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?- Idk man

What was the last thing you cried for?- I don’t remember

Do you keep a journal?- no

Is life fun?- no

Is farting in front of people irrelevant?- I mean yeah, but that doesn’t mean I do it

What’s your dream car?- A nice old one

Are grades in school important?- Idk anymore,, I could honestly make a whole post about this

Describe your crush.- pretty neat, likes horror movies

What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?- Dante and Aristotle Discover the Secrets of the Universe

What was your last lie?- Probably, “yeah, I’ll do something fun this weekend!”

Dumbest lie you ever told? - “I love you too”

Is crying in front of people embarrassing?- yes, always.

Something you did and you are proud of?- I got first on bars for nationals

What’s your favourite cocktail?- i’m not of age to drink

Something you are good at?- being boring

Do you like small kids?- probably not, they’re pretty obnoxious mostly

How are you feeling right now?- sad

What would you name your daughter/son?- laszlo

What do you need to be happy?- a passion/purpose

Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?- not really, I’m not in the mood

What was the last gift you received?- someone bought me a bible

What was the last gift you gave?- a phone charm to my friend

What was the last concert you went to?- BTS!!

Favourite place to shop at?- I really like yesstyle.com

Who inspires you?- min yoongi

How old were you when you first got drunk?- never

How old were you when you first got high?- never

How old were you when you first had sex?- never

When was your first kiss?- never, but hopefully soon though, bc damn

Something you want to do until the end of this year?- I don’t know

Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?- like, everything?

Post a selfie.- sure, later

Who are you most comfortable around?- my cat (haha that’s sad)

Name one thing that terrifies you.- being boring until I’m old and die of natural causes

What kind of books do you read?- a lot of ya fiction but also some political/history non fiction

What would you tell your 12 year old self?- chill out you fuck, no one hates you. Also stop trying to be the hero, because u just end up being mean most of the time

What is your favourite flower?- hydrangeas

Any bad habits you have?- not returning texts, cancelling plans last minute, and procrastinating

What kind of people are you attracted to?- idk

What was the last thing you cried for?- Wasn’t this already asked

Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?- any fat on meat

Are you in love?- no

Something you find romantic?- If you run ur fingers through my hair I will literally melt. (Preferably while I’m laying/leaning on you)

How long was your longest relationship? - around a year

What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?- when they want me to be emotionally vulnerable to them when I don’t want to- uh, most of them are very pretty and polite - i just mostly find them intimidating

What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? - they don’t know how to apologize - often don’t know how to see things from someone else’s pov - they make more $ than me

What are you saving money for?- music, art, and clothes

How would you describe your bad side?- jealous, rude, irresponsible with others’ feelings

Are you actually a good person? Why?- No I’m not, but I’m not bad. I could be better

What are you living for?- who knows,, other people I guess

Have you ever done anything illegal?- I’ve definitely trespassed?

Do you like your body?- didn’t we answer this? No

Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?- I guess (my parents)

Ever sent nudes?- nop

Have you ever cheated on someone?- no

Favourite candy?- snickers

Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!- @wroxs and a whole bunch of bts art blogs (I have post notifs)

Do you play any computer games?- not really

What is your favourite game?- sims 4

Favourite TV series?- Turn: Washington’s Spies

Are you religious? Does God exist?- yes, and yes

What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?- Dante’s Inferno, and not really

What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?- it’s cool, I’m just not

How long have you been on Tumblr?- too long, please don’t look at my archive (I think since 2014, so 3 years)

Do you like Chinese food?- ye

McDonalds or Subway?- depends on my mood

Vodka or whiskey?- I like the idea of vodka more

Alcohol or drugs?- alcohol

Ever been out of your province/state/country?- yeah, all of the above. Most recently I went to Georgia

Meaning behind your blog name?- I’m not nice, but my aesthetic is

What are you scared of?- we answered this too

Last time you were insulted?- Last year, behind my back

Most traumatic experience?- my emotionally abusive friendship in elementary school- and like, my first girl crush killed herself when I was 13

Perfect date idea?- take me out for coffee in a city, we walk everywhere or take the subway

Favourite app on your phone?- Music or Clawbert (it’s so cute)

What colour are the walls in your room?- yellow

Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?- yeah, I like @tha and dodie

Share your favourite quote.- I mean it’s not that great of a quote, but I try to live by, “Honesty is the best policy”

What is the meaning of life?- be nice to people while you’re here

Do you like horror movies?- not really, but I don’t dislike them

Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?- yeah, I ignored her and my dad and was rude to them for a solid week and a half

Do you feel lucky or special in a way?- no

Can you keep a secret?- yeah

[simmerofsarcasm]

Sorry for my Absence

I got really lazy for a while, but hopefully I’m back now XD Like previously, this page is going to be dedicated to my builds and legacies, with the occasional modder showcase. Check back in later for a few pictures.

Here’s what I’ve been up simming-wise:

-My main legacy family’s oldest 3rd generation is days away from becoming a YA. It all started with a widowed lawyer and his daughter, Sylvia, who aspired to be just like the man who had raised her. After a life-long friendship, it was no surprise to any of the parents when her and Orange Bailey-Moon fell in love as teenagers. To congratulate them on their acceptance to U of B, their parents pooled together their money and purchased/renovated the Darkwing House for them. They got married almost immediately and never looked back. Being the daughter of an alum, Sylvia had already heard rumours of a secret society, and she was determined to join. And how could they not accept the daughter of a powerful lawyer? All was going perfect in their lives, but Sylvia and Orange kept feeling the pressures of entertaining the sprites that followed her nearly everywhere. In a passionate, sprite-pressured woohoo, they had forgotten protection. Sylvia immediately threw up in the toilet and knew the sprites had planned this; she was pregnant with their first child. Upon inviting the future grandparents over to share the news, Sylvia and Orange were surprised to find Octavia had some news to share, too, and they spent the rest of the night enthusing about their all-too-close due dates and how their daughters would be the best of friends. Soon, Sienna was born, and she was the light of their lives. Once they got their schedules to settle down a bit, it didn’t take them long to decide they wanted another. They waited for the sprites to return, hoping they would bring them fertile luck once again, and the sprites answered their wishes like a genie. Vanessa and Soren were born shortly after, lives becoming that much more hectic. Sylvia’s father was so pleased, so happy, that his family was growing positively. He knew all would be well. After meeting his newest grandchildren, he knew it was time to let go. Sylvia was devastated for days at the loss of her father, but Orange was her soulmate and knew all the right things to say and do to comfort her. However, this did strike up a conversation between them: Orange’s parents were getting older as well, and his sister Johanna was but a toddler. What would happen to her? So as time went by, they kept a close watch on Orange’s parents, continuing to raise their lot of crotch goblins while maintaining Honor Student status. They celebrated their graduation with the discussion of, “Just one more?” And so Tate was born, rounding off their lives with the addition of their youngest child. It wasn’t too long after that the family lost Thorne, and knowing Octavia’s time would come soon, they adopted Johanna to prevent her from going into the system. At the current point in time, Sienna, Johanna, Vanessa, and Soren are all teenagers, but Tate isn’t far behind. Sienna dreams of being a world-famous actress and finding a life-long love like her parents, though her heart’s about to be broken by her childhood crush and high school sweetheart. Johanna found comfort after losing her parents over the stove, and has every intention of opening her own gourmet restaurant. She recently started dating Dirk Dreamer’s son, Raul, though she’s been noticing lately the way him and Vanessa act when they think she doesn’t see. Why are two relaxing in the sauna together while feeling flirty? Vanessa and Soren, despite being bestie twins, each want to follow vastly different life paths. Vanessa spends all of free time, occasionally even skipping homework, to plunk around on her piano (at least when she isn’t flirting with Raul behind Johanna’s back), but Soren goes above and beyond in school, constantly doing extra credit projects, but fears what his parents may say when he tells them he would rather go Foxbury instead of the family alum school, from which their whole house in covered in memorabilia of. He’s also recently been spending a suspicious amount of time with a newly made-over Lilith Vatore... Tate spent a large chunk of his childhood in Selvadora, exploring the jungle with his father, and dreams of being back there more than anything. They all still live in the Darkwing house, which Sylvia and Orange have made many addition and renovations to, including a new bedroom on the second floor for Tate, and whole new third floor which houses their master suite and his and her’s showers, along with a new basement housing their bar and wine cellar, a home gym and sauna, and Vanessa’s piano.

-Updating my old tiny home builds so they’re actual tiny home lots

-Working on a giant mansion in Oasis Springs where the old Landgraab Manor stood, which includes a nice waterfall, highly detailed pool, giant gaming rec room, multiple sitting/living rooms, a kitchen that’s quite frankly almost the size of my entire apartment irl, a conservatory hallway packed full of plants, and even a veterinary medicine area for one of the sims who lives there. The bulk is pretty much done, but there’s still a lot of small clutter details to do on it.

-A spellcaster sim based off an apple. The idea came from talking to a friend about how the Potion of Plentiful Needs basically breaks the game without cheats. So now I have a sim who is basically the embodiment of an apple that was turned into a human. She lives in a tiny home that only has basic furniture like a bookshelf and coffee table and couch. Why only these things? Because she has 86 apple trees in her backyard. Her whole life is: 1) take care of apple trees, 2) harvest apple trees, 3) make a ton of Potions of Plentiful Needs, 4) drink Potions of Plentiful Needs. It’s honestly adorable. She dummy thicc. Sometimes Morgyn Ember comes over and hangs out with her.

[henbooks]

Writing Update 5/20/18

Lately, most of my work has been towards school, and I have gotten frightfully little writing done.

So, this update is basically going over some plans for the future-

Summer is approaching, and during that I have to pack up for college and get ready to leave home. That’ll take time, but it won’t take a ton of it. 

I hope to be able to get all the way to the fourth blood of TCotMK by the end of the summer- maybe the fifth blood if I’m lucky. 

Otherwise, I really want to introduce you guys to a new project. I’ve actually had it in my mind since last summer, but I kept it mostly secret because it’s not just my project.

At some point, my sister and I are hoping to release a dating sim.

It’s currently called My Villainous Valentine, and has the tagline “Date Your Problematic Fave”. If you can’t tell from the title, the whole idea behind this dating sim is that you can date anyone from a lineup of super villains, ranging from the Diamond Debonair, the master thief, to a 4th-Dimensional alien bent on destroying humanity.

(More about My Villainous Valentine under the cut, including information on each of the characters!)

My Villainous Valentine includes a cast of zany characters that I have fallen utterly in love with.

Zach Chadson, AKA The Golden Ace- He acts as the city’s resident hero, and is the nicest dudebro to ever exist. He has proclaimed himself as having the world’s best ‘epic kegstand’, is an avid football player, and loves justice. You can’t date him, but you’ll see him an awful lot since he is the main character’s roommate and best friend.

Dateable characters-

Killian Reeds, AKA Alley Cat- Killian runs the local Jazz Club, and has the most beautiful voice that can literally hypnotize people to do his will. He says his life of crime is behind him, but that doesn’t stop the authorities from keeping a careful eye on his club.

Moira Brodie, AKA The Mantis Shrimp- Moria was born with dwarfism and powers that made her dangerously strong. So dangerous that she was separated from other children for their safety for much of her life. She ended up going to jail at a very young age, and just recently entered the world again to try to live a normal life. (Moira’s design is one of my favorites- she’s so cute. So many bright colors and the most beautiful red hair!) (Also, we do address that her villain name has ‘shrimp’ in it and that that is offensive. She is very unhappy with the name and lobbies heavily for a different name throughout the game. Just wanted to make that clear. It is significant to her route.)

Eistaie- Eistaie comes from a different dimension entirely, but is bent on destroying humanity. She’s distant and cold, and it’s impossible to fully understand her, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. 

Elliot Collins- Elliot is an unknown young literature major with a fixation on TS Elliot’s poetry and life. So much so that he legally changed his name to Elliot, began wearing a  lot of argyle, and leads a cult about TS Elliot. There is only one other member in the cult, but you could easily be the third.

Switchblade- Little is known about Switchblade, including his name. All that is known is that he has blades that can slide in and out of many of his joints, he was sent from some organization in China, and that he was detained before he could cause any serious damage. He’s also super cute.

Fiona Fitzgerald, AKA Fizz- Fiona Fitzgerald only wants to direct grand and realistic movies. She wants it bad enough that she was willing to put her actors in real explosions and fires. Effects are everything to her, and she is anything but Cheesy, even in hindsight. Eventually, she fell prey to one of her own effects and mutated into a being that is able to explode whenever her emotions get too strong.

Mary Capra, AKA Mrs. Clause- Mary was once a Middle School English Teacher who just really loved Christmas, but eventually the amount of bad papers that she had to grade got to her. It got to her so much, in fact, that she began to punish those with imperfect grammar by filling their houses with coal. Soon, she began to go after anyone who dared to publish a grammar error- filling any business, office, or home with coal.

and lastly, The Diamond Debonair- The diamond Debonair is a master thief. Nobody has ever seen him without his mask, but everyone knows about him. He’s a smooth talker, confident, gentlemanly, but also extremely private. (I also love this guy. He’s just great.)

If you guys ever want to learn more about these characters, feel free to ask! I just love them so much and I can’t wait to share more about them with you. These characters are a lot funnier than other ones I’ve written, and I just love to play around with them.

[arielandthesea]

Ariel & The Sea

October 15th, 2008

Whenever I think of her, I picture her with someone else.

She is a closed chapter that unfortunately has a minimal, yet open window of playing a role in my life again in two months - December. I think part of the reason why I always picture her with someone else is because I know she always needs someone to be there with her and since we both moved away and I am not with her now, I picture her with someone else.

That necessity she has to be with someone all the time is normal, I used to feel it too but eventually, I got over it, I grew out of it. Frankly, I doubt she’ll never grow out of it.

I met Ariel in junior high, it was the first day of school and I remember seeing her chat comfortably to all the kids around her. This was something impressive to me since I would’ve been nervous, stressed out and probably keeping my head down but not her, she was comfortable talking to everyone as if they’d known each other since elementary school. I wasn’t a new student, it was my second year at catholic school but it felt like I was new since I was invisible, but not to her. I remember we made eye contact and she smiled at me, I immediately looked away at the window, the garden, the trees. The nervous feeling was overwhelming but curiosity won and one day before the lunch break, I saw her walking down the hall, she’d gone to the principal’s office to pick up a small plastic bag her parents brought her. I pretended I wasn’t shy and fooled myself to ignore my insecurities and I approached her, and we had a very successful small talk.

The topics covered in that conversation included which school she was from, how she felt about this school, who her friends were from the other school and what she liked to do after school. We must’ve walked across the soccer and softball field twice to cover all those subjects and everything she said seemed so positive and jolly that I constantly dodged out every question she asked me. Ariel came from a prestigious school outside the city, she had a cute ex-boyfriend who she was still friends with, popular friends and all the other elements of a positive, happy youth. I was not ready to tell her I didn’t really have any friends other than my guitar teacher Rony - a sixteen-year-old metalhead who was currently trying to teach me the solo of a Sum 41 song. I wasn’t ready to tell her I wanted to learn how to skateboard because Avril Lavigne was my human idol and I say human because the cyber idol was Lara Croft. I had all her PC video games and I played them all the time after school but sometimes I would instead play Tony Hawk or the Sims. I certainly was not ready to tell her one of the happiest days of my life was the day when I found the unlimited money code also known as rosebud;!;!;!;!;!… Nope.

I suppressed myself for a while, just enough for me to find out if I could trust her enough to share my eccentric self with her, eventually, I did and we blended. By blended I mean I made her geeky and she made me girly. It all happened in less than a month. There was going to be this party that I had to dress up too but didn’t know how so she somewhat advised me and introduced me to her friends from her other schools. A couple small gatherings after that made me realize I’d developed a few but some interpersonal skills and therefore became more relaxed. On my end, I introduced her to Supaplex. Supaplex was a video game I wasted a couple years on, it was similar to Pacman since your avatar would be a ball collecting DNA-type icons in different maze-looking worlds where you had to watch out for the gravity-affected balls that’d come down and make you explode, or the scissors that in most advanced levels would work the same way as Pacman’s ghosts did and kill you. But enough about video games. We also played John Milton hypnotize-yourself CD’s on my stereo and tried to hypnotize Julia; a third of the four girls in our clique, and my best friend.

Due to the fact that the day we tried to hypnotize ourselves we skipped last period and came to my house and two hours later the principal called me, demanding to come back with the girls while I was still trying to chew the just-delivered pizza in my mouth, I was seen as the leader. The queen bee of the rotten apples from catholic school. Ariel was more of a mastermind but she was cute, came from a good family and had to carry around an insulin kit with needles she’d use before every meal. I was just another rebellious daughter of a single mother soon to be expelled and due to the chronic suspensions, calls from the principal and forecasted expulsion, my mother decided to enroll me in another school away from my friends, away from Ariel. Only she didn’t know at this point, we had crossed the line of an innocent friendship.

You see, at that time Ariel and I were best friends, we were always together. We actually didn’t talk that much, we just sort of existed together and while existing we did things that don’t just exist, they are provoked. Most of the time we’d be touching each other, maybe playfully at first but eventually we’d touch each other in a more intimate way until one of us stopped the other - mainly me. One particular time I was laying in bed watching the shadow of the ceiling fan break while Ariel who laid on the floor grabbed my hand, she pulled it closer to her mouth and sucked my finger gently. It was the first time I was sexually aroused.

Because of my mother’s wishes of wanting what’s ‘best for me’, she commanded I’d never see Ariel again… so we started hanging out in secret. My last period ended about an hour before hers so I would walk to her and meet on the football field to chat until her mom picked her up. We would just talk about how she was feeling, what school was like for me now and other similar, easy topics. We were close but only met with time limits, that made it hard to be light and consistent. Then, time faded into the nothing and I didn’t see her again for a while.

During our sophomore year in high school, there were rumors - I heard rumors about her getting kicked out of school. Rumors of her going to rehab in another state. Crazy things that didn’t suit her at all but unfortunately they were all true. It wasn’t until six months later when I finally heard from her on instant chat that I was able to get the story straight. Just seeing her status as available online took a huge weight off my shoulders, I was totally hooked and had no idea.

Ariel drove to my house one day when my mom was out of town and in a very casual way, she told me all about the raves she went to, the drugs she used and other events that doubled the rumor-based trouble I knew she was in. We only spoke for a couple minutes, then I just watched her smoke her spliff thinking of how much I missed her. She got a little nervous and joked her way to and into the car. I complimented how clean the ol’ white thunderbird looked, then she drove away smiling.

We always separated and reunited at odd times, gaps that lasted years or months depending on what had happened or how far our cities were from each other. This time, October of last year, we met up again. A little older, a little wiser. This, whatever it was that we built up for years, anxiously needed a label. Ariel made the first move, labeling herself as bisexual as we drove in my car to this part to get hot dogs. Changing the subject never worked with someone as ballsy as her and I told her I was gay. She told me she knew that I was, I told her I knew that she was and suddenly we started dating.

One night at a coffee shop, she said she wanted something serious and real. Confused I asked for time to think, given the fact that I knew she liked sleeping around. Offended Ariel stormed out, leaving me with a small, yet-embarrassing bill to pay. I needed time to think, I needed time to find out what I wanted and how I felt but before the week was over I found out she was hooking up with a DJ. I stopped talking to her.

It wasn’t long before I heard from her again, apologizing, saying that she missed me, admitting she did wrong. This loser here called her and forgave her while she swallowed the proven co-dependent genes between words. This loser here saw her again. This loser here was six feet under. Blinded by pink sunglasses. Pretending to be strong while falling apart inside knowing this invisible chain was hard to break.

And we went out and it was awful. I took Ariel to my friends’ house and got really wasted with her - she was also high on something. Later on that night she drank a tequila bottle in shots and started yelling at me until I cried, she cried, we were both a sorry drunken mess so I decided to drive her home. On our way there she asked me to take her to her friend’s house - a junkie. I said no and she almost jumped out of the car, so I gave her options. Him or me; coke or this co-dependent loser of a quasi-girlfriend she had available 24/7. The quasi-girlfriend she kicked around that waited like a puppy for her to come back. I asked her me or some coke. She chose the coke.

A couple days later her parents sent her to rehab and I know she works at Six Flags because… I spoke to her. I don’t know what’s gonna happen, it’s such a mess, it feels like fiction. Maybe I never loved her. Maybe I don’t love her. ——————————————————————————————-

January 5th, 2009

On Saturday most of my plans got cancelled in the morning, mainly little things, hanging out with old friends and all that but lunch with Stella didn’t. Plans with Stella never got canceled. It’s funny to think how she became good friends with Ariel the year when I moved away. It’s a double edge sword since now everything seems to have a domino effect. Ariel texted me twice, random short half sentences that really meant she wanted to talk to me. After waiting it out with Stella, she dropped the bomb and told me she wasn’t doing well. She told me her parents found her on the street, high and dirty, she had escaped rehab. They took her to the hospital and the doctors said that if this drug problem persisted if she continued consuming as much as she did, mixed with her diabetes, she would only get a few more years of life.

I called her, I called her every day and she never picked up. I felt anxious about the fact that I didn’t know if she was well or if what Stella told me was completely true. I also felt stressed and frustrated by the fact that I couldn’t do anything and mad about the fact that I cared. So I went to a gay bar and made out with a girl, a part of me desperately wanted to feel something for someone else, anyone. It didn’t help.

——————————————————————————————-

February 17th, 2009

Ariel called this morning making fun of me. She said she left her phone at home while she was at the hospital and her sister told her it was blowing up with my calls. She asked how I knew her number and I told her Stella gave it to me. She told me her old one was stolen, I told her I knew because a drunken stranger picked up crackin’ jokes about cops, saying I was a cop then him. She thought this was funny although I wondered what kind of places she was hanging out in for a person in this state to be cracking these types of jokes.

——————————————————————————————-

May 23rd, 2009

I’ve been skyping with Ariel almost daily and when we can’t, we speak on the phone.

——————————————————————————————-

June 7th, 2009

Ariel bought a ticket to come see me. I told her I’m moving to New York soon for college and she wants us to spend time together before I move. I can’t wait to see her, the last rehab seemed to work, she’s clean and stable. I can’t wait to see her.

——————————————————————————————-

July 17th, 2009

Ariel flew in last night. I went to her house to meet her. I was so excited and nervous to see her that I didn’t even kiss her. All I could do was stare at her. I must’ve stared too long to make her break that with a joke but I was just hypnotized by her eyes, her kind, warm eyes. The eyes I hadn’t seen in awhile. Drug-free eyes. And that’s what made it all worth it, waiting for her to be okay to allow herself to get to know me, there were so many things I wanted to share with her. Things I’d never share with anyone. I can’t wait to see her again tomorrow.

I love her.

——————————————————————————————-

July 18th, 2009

Today it was fun, although I think I drank too much. I went out with Ariel and friends. We went to my pool, I took her aside and kissed her like I’ve never kissed anyone before. I looked into her eyes for a while after that, enjoying the comfort of sharing myself with her, finally, after so long.

We went back to my friends house and got shitfaced. Then I drove her home.

——————————————————————————————-

July 20th, 2009

Ariel started getting high again. Things haven’t gone as smoothly as I thought. She also drinks too much. She thinks I can’t fool around with her unless I have a drink. She’s right, I’m scared shitless. A friend also told me she was hitting on her. It didn’t surprise me since Ariel’s a flirt. I also didn’t believe my friend so much since she’s not that great looking but maybe Ariel is trying to make me feel jealous.

——————————————————————————————-

August 2, 2009

Ariel hooked up with a guy and I almost cried. She kept asking ‘well what are we?’ pissed off, giving options of ‘friends? Girlfriends?’ She’s asking that because she kept pressuring me into having sex but I need to build trust again since she’s been using needles and I know she doesn’t believe in getting tested.

I dropped her off at her house.

I need time to think.

——————————————————————————————-

August 7th, 2009

Ariel called me at home saying she didn’t wanna call my phone because she thought I wouldn’t answer. She said I abandoned her in a cute voice, joking around.

It melted my heart.

This attachment, this goddamn attachment is consuming my life. The stress of knowing she’s on the edge makes me hyper vigilant. The responsibility of her well-being falls on my shoulders and no matter how hard I try, I can’t let go. I forgave her one more time.

——————————————————————————————-

August 18th, 2009

We went to the beach, I took my camera with me this time. During sunset we were kissing, having fun and I took off her top, I was in another world. Then a woman approached us and asked us to stop it, ‘there are kids present’ but they couldn’t see us I think she was just homophobic. We drove home afterward and went to my pool. We were hanging out with my friend and her girlfriend.

After a while, Ariel got naked and told me to turn off the camera. She asked me to get in and went underwater to take off my underwear aggressively. I asked her to stop I wasn’t comfortable and she seemed mad. Frustrated she told me I am not a lesbian. My friends got uncomfortable and excused themselves. I took Ariel home.

When we got to her house she got out of the car and slammed the door. I felt anger boiling inside of me. I can’t explain. Humiliation, anger, frustration. Driving away full speed kind of helped but I can’t do this anymore.

——————————————————————————————-

August 19th, 2009

I broke up with Ariel.

——————————————————————————————-

October 7th, 2009

I dreamt about a pretty blonde girl in the balcony in the balcony of an old Mexican hotel who looked at me from a distance. She turned around twice, closer to where I was standing. Then I saw her floating in a falling position. Eyes closed, hair undulating, lit, glowing in the middle of a black space with infinite darkness. After my mind inspected every element playing in front of me, I realized she was falling in slow motion. She hit the floor with some speed as if she fell underwater. When she hit the floor she broke her neck - I heard the cracking sound. Then I saw myself in a sea of people who went to see her. She was dead and covered in blood.

I woke up thinking I was in my bed back home, a bed doubles the size of this one. I woke up thinking Ariel was in trouble, as always but fighting myself to check.

I think of her, I think of her a lot.

I think of what she told me this last time and what I told her to push away forever.

She started using heroin. I couldn’t take it.

I hurt her to make her hate me.

I made her hate me to let me go and take responsibility for her own life.

I’ll check up on her in December.

I wish I didn’t feel like I should.

I wish I could stick to my word.

I wish she was clean.

I wish to fall in love with someone else.

——————————————————————————————-

November 19th, 2009

Ariel killed herself two days ago, they found her yesterday, I found out yesterday. I was on a break, I had a lot of missed calls from my friend but it was someone else who told me, another friend. She told me this and I couldn’t believe it. I was crossing the street…

It’s raining a lot and I can’t write.

I have class now so I’ll write some other time.

Ariel, I loved you so much.

——————————————————————————————-

November 20th, 2009

I still don’t know what to think, I still don’t know what to say or write.

It hurts me to think it happened this way, that she was alone, that she injected adrenalin into her heart. I couldn’t sleep last night. I stayed up all night crying, thinking.

Ariel,

I hope wherever you are, you’re fine.

I want you to know that I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else in my life.

That I always tried to save you from all the bad things that happened in your world and that is what I did for years until I realized last summer that it wasn’t my job to save you. I realized that by trying to help you I was hurting myself and frankly, you wanted to be at that place.

You were self-destructive.

I never fully understood what caused you so much sadness, I just hope you found comfort in me at least for a while. Yesterday I cried a lot for you, I wrote a screenplay about your story, our story. I am deeply sorry I couldn’t afford to go to your funeral but I believe that by not being physically there has left me with your memory alive. I guess this was the way it was meant to be so I’ll never forget. I hope that wherever you are, you’re fine but, since you’re gone I must confess this letter is for me.

I hope I see you again, at the place where they put your ashes. It’s just a shame we will reunite like this and I guess all I can say is that at least I’m glad you finally found peace.

You will live with me forever, as a beautiful memory.

I loved you, so much.

——————————————————————————————-

December 2nd, 2009

Lately, when I think of Ariel I play Pink Floyd’s Let There Be More Light.

——————————————————————————————-

December 10th, 2009

I’ve been dreaming of Ariel. I dream that she speaks to me and I listen. I think only until now I am starting to realize how much this is affecting me.

I told a close friend about how she ended her life shooting adrenaline to her heart, she said ‘of course, that’s where all the emotions meet.’

Somehow now, whenever I think of her I go back to that day when she came into the house to get a glass of water and we both heard my mom calling my name. We freaked out. I was so scared of my mother finding out about us that we always met in secret. It was like living in our own bubble and now that she’s gone, I don’t know what to do with myself…

In the first dream, I was near a shore with turquoise water, surrounded by buildings during sunset. Soon after, the water froze including rocks and waves. Everything had a cutting sound of ice breaking. I took out my camera and started taking photos. Then I moved to another spot, in front of the frozen water then ten feet tall pieces of ice rose from sea level. They slowly formed into buildings. There were three and after shaping up, the top cracked and aimed towards me. I saw myself in my dream, I saw the way I was looking at them in fear yet determined to put up a fight by holding onto my camera and photographing the scenery behind a rock. Then, these pieces of ice started flying towards me. The larger pieces didn’t hit me but the thin did, they’d cut me and it hurt but not so much. Soon after this dream ended and another one began.

In this second dream, I was outside a coffee shop with a spinning class next to it where old classmates from catholic school were working out. The look of disgust on my face expressed how well I liked them. Then I turned around and saw Ariel, I told her ‘people will think I’m crazy to be talking to you’ I knew she wasn’t alive in my dream and yet I was happy and she was too.

At some point she sat on top of me and hugged me, then she said ‘I used to do the same thing with Abel’, a friend of hers who overdosed. Paralleling her words, the third dream began.

A homeless man rode a wooden truck down the street, the car was decorated with paper mache simulating a dragon. He was going really fast. There was an audience, a group of meth addicts with skin peeling off. He kept yelling something, a group of words that didn’t make sense and everyone followed him to the curve where the car flipped over and he fell, his head dragged on the concrete until his face detached from his skull, leaving it as a mask. He stood up almost immediately and ran away in living flesh.

A woman in the audience approached the face he left behind and held it the only way a fan would; close to her heart with eyes wide shut.

Did I become that fan?

——————————————————————————————-

December 11th, 2009

I dreamt of her again last night, a forensic team was looking for fingerprints and once again I was the only one who could see her. This time, Ariel had long hair and her eyes weren’t empty anymore. However, I knew what had happened, I knew she was gone but I didn’t say anything I just held her close to me. She was very upset.

I woke up freezing, my heat didn’t work. I told my mother about my dream and my theory that maybe something else happened, that maybe she was murdered. She told me I was just paranoid.

——————————————————————————————-

December 30th, 2009

Now I dreamt Ariel was trapped like a princess in a castle but instead of a castle, it was a retail store and the only way I could save her was by passing a written test. There was someone else there trying to do the same thing. However, Ariel approached me and whispered that she wanted me to pass it.

I took the written test chewing bubble gum listening to Linking Park.

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January 2nd, 2010

Death is unavoidable. We are all born, grow up then die. Reproduction is a personal affair. However this three-stage cycle can be very abstract since we’re all born but some don’t grow up and those of us who do, don’t know until when and we all die but somehow stay immortal in other people’s memories.

In my case, I will never forget Ariel but at the same time, I don’t wanna carry her with me. I want to travel light.

I feel out of the picture and I am going against everything I once believed in. I don’t know why I am but I know I have time to find out, I’m not in a rush since after all, I am only eighteen years old.

——————————————————————————————-

January 17th, 2010

I am holding my heart in my fist.

I disconnect it from my mind and put it away but Ariel’s death can’t be unnoticed and the science of my dreams will help me figure out a way to expose it.

Last night her face was behind a hexagon-shaped screen fading into static.

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January 28th, 2010

I started relating to all the common deaths. The loss of a parent, the loss of a friend, a lover or relative. Even the loss of a victim who you don’t know but feel bad about how they were killed and why. You also have massacred, natural disasters, 9/11, New Orleans, Haiti, guerillas, everything. All those losses and life keeps going.

The violence of it all is affecting my subconscious since now I dreamed of two mannequins where heads turned 360 degrees while blood gushed out of their eyes and mouths and nipples. Behind them, a window featured a view of the city at night but the reflection showed a mad Ariel chained to a chair screaming in mad frustration.

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March 23rd, 2010

8:14 p.m. Dishes, dirty dishes. Blues, I love the blues. Stones, stoned Rolling Stones, Rolling Stoned. There is no point in writing, words are words.

Words put together to make sense, sometimes.

Sometimes they don’t until later on,

Sometimes not at all. Writing is like singing or playing guitar. The more you get used to it the better it is to write… write awayyyy!

Bullshit, not bullshit. Fiction, reality.

Squeezing reality like a fucking orange, because that’s what we are, oranges.

Squeeze the fuck outta me and you’ll get juice, juicy juice. C’mon, do it!

You won’t be disappointed.

If you want dirt here’s a hole you can dig in.

Juice, dirt, guitars. Juice, dirt, guitars.

Fun, fun, fun, never-ending fun.

And this is all just me. Writing, talking, thinking.

I wanna do something natural, a visual granola yogurt. Horses alone without fashion models. Colors, cows, farms, ugly flowers, clouds, water, natural-natural-natural.

Everyone I know has emotional issues.

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March 24th, 2010

When life gives you lemons, you eat them with tequila.

The pages in my journal went from pink to black or gray. Pretty pages in pink, naive, a glimpse of who I was. Now dark lost and confused, how I handled Ariel’s death now gone.

She’s gone and I’m here.

——————————————————————————————-

April 3rd, 2010

I died. I’m living twice,

There is a double life.

There is a second life out there,

I wanna do this now,

I don’t wanna waste a summer.

I want to be with you,

I don’t wanna waste more time.

(He takes his wig off, he’s a man dressed as a woman.)

Inside a theater that seems to be my school’s theater I see, friends sitting apart from each other. I’m in the middle then walk to sit down and sit in front of the screen.

We’re all watching a movie I can’t see.

Then I’m in the student lounge on a couch with my computer. I stood up to grab a book from the shelves in front of me and I see Ariel who tells me she’s late, ‘for what?’ but she leaves before I can even look at her eyes. Then I’m at the theater again watching this movie I can’t see and I feel so alone.

Now I am the homeless man and a police officer speaks to me as he takes his wig off.

He takes his wig off.

——————————————————————————————-

April 10th, 2010

Sexy red lights set the mood of the room of noise, noise, noise. Cars traveling.

High speed. Motion.

Neon palette of colors,

Sunglasses at night and the feeling that you’re alone when you’re surrounded by people…

The only moment when you become no one.

Animosity.

We disappear with the smoke, vanish.

Electronic music faded out by bittersweet rock,

Beetlebum.

And we see a very pretty girl dancing, boneless,

Lost in time.

Shooting.

Shooting.

Shooting.

She’s gone.

——————————————————————————————-

April 18th, 2010

Ariel told me she wanted to take her life.

She told me she didn’t care about anything and that it was her choice. I guess the fact that she was diabetic didn’t help, taking all those meds and all.

I guess knowing she’d died young didn’t help either and that was probably why she created that fantasy of challenging time.

I guess a part of us always has that thought in the back of our minds.

——————————————————————————————-

May 4th, 2010

Ariel, I want to see you, and it is dumb to talk like this but I can’t help it. I can’t assimilate it. Everything seems absurd. Everything seems to be a never-ending nightmare about the death of someone like you that isn’t really you but someone else.

I dream about you still. Last night, again, I could see you. I was the only one who could see you. And I kissed you like I never did before like I always should have but didn’t due to my fear of giving myself to you completely but I should’ve, that’s all you wanted but I blocked it because it would’ve meant a lot more to me than to you. You were my first and only love and now I see photos and play videos of you and I feel you’re alive. Sometimes at night laying in bed I feel you next to me, making fun of my obsession with your death, making existentialist comments that sum it up, making me laugh.

Now, more than ever I feel you’re here but I know you’re not and I feel alone. In a way, I feel you were mine and I was yours. There was no one else. I know you all and you knew me too. My life gravitated around you but now that you’re gone, nothing makes sense. What can I say and to whom? I miss you. I feel empty. I spoke to your parents, I saw your name in the newspaper, I went to the church where they placed your ashes and I still can’t believe it. I feel regret of the last hurtful words we exchanged and foolish for now telling you how I really felt.

I feel remorse for bailing on you when you needed me the most but I selfishly wanted to leave you in order to grow apart and yet I am here with your ghost.

Is it normal to speak to you like this even though you aren’t here? You were eighteen, I’m still eighteen. I had you in my life for five years and why? It is the most pointless question but why did you die? I want you here. I want to lay next to you in bed and play with your hair. I want you to give me the moon again. I want you to make fun of the corny stuff I used to tell you. I want those moments back and new ones. I want to wake up a year ago and redo our summer. I want to tell you how I feel. I want to know more, do more.

Do you remember that time we talked about what we would do when I moved to New York? When you told me you would cook and clean while I worked to bring the steak back for dinner?

Yesterday, the day before, last week and last year I saw you but knowing I will never see you again provokes a nameless feeling in me… Frustration, I feel frustrated and I wanna scream, run, shoot a bullet into the nothing than drive 140 miles per hour I feel enormous impotence because everything reminds me of you; the sun, my bed, your house, this city. I don’t know how I’m gonna let you go, I don’t know. And I can’t write anymore because you don’t exist, we’re only me, this notebook and this pen.

——————————————————————————————-

May 6th, 2010

Sometimes I go on facebook and read our messages.

Then I wonder how you became a name on a stone,

a headline, an obituary, another statistic.

I feel so guilty. I was so cold.

——————————————————————————————-

May 7th, 2010

Look at me fall in the pile of leaves of the forest I am lost inside of myself. I’m heartbroken but writing a statement about it isn’t gonna change it, it’s just a momentum for review tomorrow, the next day or the next. The faded sun won’t burn my skin in the Altar desert. Back in town, empty parks, and lonely streets remind me of has-beens.

I am disposable.

——————————————————————————————-

May 23rd, 2010

I feel trapped in the symmetry of my own life and my addiction to document it.

——————————————————————————————-

May 24th, 2010

I dreamed of you last night. I was in bed, I was in this bed and you were at the door.

I said ‘come here!’ you did. You hopped on my bed smiling and stared into my eyes.

I closed your eyes slowly with my fingertips, you were so calm.

Then you went outside and a stranger called you.

You told him you were fine but he controlled you.

In the end, you left with him and I woke up alone.

——————————————————————————————-

May 25th, 2010

I can’t see the white moon because white is translucent therefore I see nothing and not seeing the icon of the night makes me think the night is non-existent and every day connects into one, therefore, there are no dates.

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May 29th, 2010

I can be physical with a stranger because I have a black hole in my soul.

I’d rather be a mystery than something special.

Love is devastating. Whenever I have sex, I am not there and I have no peace of mind.

——————————————————————————————-

July 3rd, 2010

Who will I be today?

I guess I’ll just be myself.

——————————————————————————————-

July 17th, 2010

I dreamed you came out of the water naked, covered in seaweed, pale and your left breast was missing. I was worried until you explained it was because of all the months you’ve been dead. You asked me to come with you to this place where they reconstructed dead people. I saw the process. They made you look alive. Then they gave you a piece of paper with the date and time the effect would expire but you didn’t let me look. Finally, a stylist was doing your hair and you looked at me through the mirror, tired. Then I woke up.

——————————————————————————————-

September 9th, 2010

I saw Ariel today on my way to the bank on Second avenue. I was walking down the street, turned to the left and she was the store’s cashier. I kept going and saw her walking in front of me wearing a hat.

I don’t know why this is happening. I’m aware of the fact that she will stay in my memory for a while but the frustration of this situation feels like a disease. Everyone keeps telling me my eyes seem empty but no one will understand to feel the need of that time machine. Or what it is like to portray her in strangers every now and then and finally, what is it like to fantasize about her being here, standing in front of me, waking me up from a long nightmare and me walking up to her, seeing her the way I used to, like I never have looked at anyone else and holding her hand and, great… I’m crying. She would laugh at me right now if she was alive. Then we would drive without a purpose or destination. I will never let her go. She will stay in the back of my mind as a powerful reminder of life.

——————————————————————————————-

September 11th, 2010

Cigarettes are a sweet death.

I like watching the smoke come out of me slowly,

It reflects how I feel like inside,

Vanishing.

Sleeping pills,

Fears…

The only person I’m afraid of is myself,

My brain…

It hurts.

My heart,

It aches.

——————————————————————————————-

September 17th, 2010

I dreamed of her last night. We were back home and I saw her hanging out with friends. I ran up to her excited to see her but when I finally got close enough she made fun of me and said ‘snap out of it dude!’

Then I went back to my car and she left with a friend.

——————————————————————————————-

September 21th, 2010

You will stay young and I will be old, forever.

——————————————————————————————-

October 11th, 2010

Sometimes I picture her here, wherever I am,

Sitting next to me making funny remarks of how I often glamorize the relationship we had.

I should move on with my life.

——————————————————————————————-

October 17th, 2010

I feel I am no longer myself, or a complete version of myself. I think I pretended to be someone for so long that I finally became that and I don’t know what it is.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a good person,

Am I cruel?

——————————————————————————————-

October 26th, 2010

What am I doing wrong?

——————————————————————————————-

November 13th, 2010

I hooked up with this Russian yoga instructor and due to a number of text messages received, I think we’re dating. I’m on the 2 train on my way to see her but I don’t know if this is such a good idea because I didn’t feel anything the other night.

Will I ever feel something again?

——————————————————————————————-

November 19th, 2010

What am I doing? I’m so confused.

This girl is nice and pretty but she has really bad manners and she’s ugly when she smiles.

I don’t like her smile, and she loves mine apparently.

Am I a bitch?

——————————————————————————————-

February 2nd, 2011

And you are the one and only,

Only now is were.

What are dreams and nightmares?

What are all the other than simple lights on the road?

Leaves on trees falling in the Autumn.

Stepped on.

——————————————————————————————-

February 8th, 2011

Today I dreamed of you again, only this time,

You were alive.

It felt like breathing underwater.

I don’t wanna be a martyr but I don’t know what else to do or who to talk to,

I’m so alone,

So cold,

So isolated.

And the glass didn’t fall from the table,

My phone didn’t vibrate,

The wind didn’t mess up my hair,

Everything stayed the same,

But me.

Many nights I wonder what went through her mind, what made her end it all.

It’s so abstract.

Based on the pieces of information I know now and then,

I never thought she’d do it.

Who am I?

I am nothing else than an editor.

I go back and look at re-runs of our lives.

I miss you so much. Why did you leave me?

You knew you were the only one I could be myself with.

You’re so selfish.

Life and everything I knew about it changed when all of the sudden; parties, fun and friends became all different. I didn’t go out at all and when I did I would blackout drunk to make myself giggle again. What used to be fun wasn’t anymore. Conversations changed. All of the sudden I wasn’t interested in talking about shit about my lit teacher. He could go fuck himself.

‘Go fuck yourself Mark!’ He didn’t respond and I walked out the classroom,

Out of the floor,

Into the elevator

And back out again.

Only to find rain and fog.

I couldn’t remember who my friends were and I stopped talking to those I never liked.

I am fading out.

I realized the real complexity of things come in the most simple forms.

This inner fox is killing me,

The violent knowledge,

Of everything we were,

Projected in re-runs,

Of everything we once believed in.

And the clouds,

Suddenly vanished.

And the trees, destroyed by the wind,

Yelled in sorrow,

Knowing there is no tomorrow.

Which is nothing else than hope,

Wishful thinking of what could’ve been perfect,

Today.

There’s no such thing as perfection,

Nor there is for sublimity.

And you,

Apple of my eye,

Delight me.

In these now gray grounds.

Behind the smoking cloud, hard leather for vandalism, the embryo remains intact.

When did we become bullets?

Though we all establish fences,

Some stronger, more threatening than others,

We all invite trespassers.

We all receive them with joy,

Arms outstretched,

Cookies and a frou-frou drink.

Once our guests have settled down,

Unzipped and stretched,

We become predators,

Beasts.

And the most selfish act is performed by,

Both of us.

And everything we exchanged

Rests in memories,

Because oh we all do remember,

But the reminder might sound highlighted,

Meaningful.

Shamed to be vulnerable,

Libertinage takes over.

One bakes more cookies,

Hoping trespasser number two will join and heal,

One’s hidden wounds.

How far did we go? Where should we stop?

Let’s not.

Why did you stop?

——————————————————————————————-

February 10th, 2011

I feel so lonely on this rootless tree.

The ground is far down,

Let’s just down once more.

Why did I call you? Why did you pick up?

Why did you come over? What’s this all about?

I don’t know you,

I was drunk.

We will never be the characters in that movie scene,

I refuse.

——————————————————————————————-

February 15th, 2011

I don’t wanna write about you anymore but I can’t help it. On average I think of you twenty times per day. This amount increases if I’ve had an alcoholic beverage. On average I dream about you once a week. On average I see you once a month unless I blink and realize this person is not you. I never blink, though, I look away and smile.

——————————————————————————————-

February 16th, 2011

Now that you’re gone, you’re turning me into this ultra-sensitive human being - I feel it all.

I only wish I would’ve had some of this structure before so I could’ve shared it with you,

Like you always wanted me to,

Like you always needed me to.

——————————————————————————————-

February 17th, 2011

Once again I fell into the abyss of suicidal thoughts.

I am scared of myself.

I am scared of my confidence to complete tasks most kids can’t.

It is my virtue,

And my curse.

The characteristics of a polyhedron,

Bending, folding, unfolding.

And it’s never what it seems.

——————————————————————————————-

February 18th, 2011

Your voice dancing around me,

Triggered sexual desire.

Your eyes as they hunt for mine,

Fill my morbid self.

Your lips,

Waiting in line,

Desiring to lock with mine were the reminder that once again,

You were looking at human flesh.

Too bad I lost my skin where I lost my heart.

If you could only see beyond that.

——————————————————————————————-

February 20th, 2011

Sensibility levels raised as pages fill in,

Observant eyes become aware.

Lips went numb,

Skin went dry,

And all of the sudden,

I cared.

Sometimes the I guess and the I think and the ‘um’ pauses are needed for me to talk to you because I intimidate you and I don’t know why.

——————————————————————————————-

February 21st, 2011

Where would you be? Now, so cold, so alone.

The gloomy settings, the empty spaces.

Memories of who you were keep fading with all these new feelings of confusing and pure anger.

Now I want you to be alive because one day, everything vanished.

Instrumental music played while I stood in front of everything you left behind.

I’m turning into my own worst enemy.

——————————————————————————————-

February 22nd, 2011

Mentally sick creatures,

Losing lizard skin,

In line for rebirth as those they admire.

Poisoned rats craving status, power.

Hoping to fit in where they were once banned from.

Losing all integrity to be someone else, someone better.

Personality surgery down to the bones.

——————————————————————————————-

March 29th, 2011

Drawing nine lines to create a tridimensional box which never reveals as an optical illusion of a cube, always cubes in every page. Uneven and deformed, determined to evolve, multiplying independently, filling a page of squares and diagonals craving perfection yet never achieving it, lacking tools needed for structure…

——————————————————————————————-

April 3rd, 2011

Freckled wide-eyed, blushed cheeks.

Skin, hair, perfect teeth.

A heart, so young…

And then who would’ve known how she felt if she never expressed it.

There was no explanation.

It was as if she lived in fairyland and she was the queen and everyone just couldn’t wait to figure her out and please her and love her.

I’ve gone over last summer a hundred billion times and after god knows how many pages and cigarettes I’ve spent wondering what she was thinking of whenever she glared at me I end with the same conclusion; she wanted something I couldn’t give her and we both knew it. She was in search of a fantasy love you cannot find on this earth, so she left it.

——————————————————————————————-

May 20th, 2011

It’s so quiet but in a way, it never is because the Chinese neighbors argue in high-k daily.

My super’s everyday conversations plagiarize monologs from gangster films and my pipes seem to be alive. My jeans feel tighter, I’ve gained weight.

Today after my interview I decided to walk down 58th street and saw a bunch of sad people. I’m used to seeing well-dressed beings with frowned faces but today they all just looked gloomy. Concerned. Sad. Maybe it’s just the gray skies, secondhand smoke or the artist that just died.

I don’t feel nineteen today.

——————————————————————————————-

May 23rd, 2011

At the edge of an island,

At the top of a tree,

In a dark alley.

Turning my head 360 degrees,

Ending up looking down.

Overtipping those with money I don’t have.

The solution for happiness equation must belong to the dirtiest, oldest hermit who moved away in a life voyage. In the deep forest. Lost at sea.

——————————————————————————————-

August 12th, 2011

‘You’re nineteen, everyone’s beautiful’

Was last night’s punchline.

I portrayed Ariel as a worn out beauty as if her memory became a character in my subconscious guiding me through dreams and life, a muse.

The beauty concept in my dream represents the nostalgia of yesterday’s expired day.

Similar to hunting a wolf in a snowstorm. A foreign land.

——————————————————————————————-

August 30th, 2011

I still don’t know how I feel about anything.

As days pass me by, my perception changes so drastically that I end up clueless in a world filled with people on auto-pilot quotes and sentences.

All actions have pre-designed reactions. Everything I interact with someone I bring up a likable matching personality, my brain is filled with protocols -

——————————————————————————————-

December 21st, 2011

Last night I dreamed of a flower that doesn’t exist.

It was placed in the middle of a crater.

The image,

Stuck in the corner of my eye,

Would hid whenever I turned.

I woke up in a suspended state,

Thinking I missed out on what could’ve been

The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Am I beautiful?

Is beauty based on tone? Symmetry?

Oval-shaped faces with high cheekbones are considered to be beautiful,

But they only remind me of cupcakes.

Jolly, sweet, fluffy creatures,

Afraid of the raw and sheltered,

Numb to the abstract and the complex.

Sometimes I envy their lack of awareness,

As I can feel, everything.

But perhaps I am just a martyr.

When does beauty become erotic? Why does it?

I wash up every day,

Finding imperfections, every day.

Nothing I possess comes close to what I saw last night in that flower,

In my dream.

Eventually, my eyes desaturated everything,

As if I didn’t deserve to enjoy pulchritude.

What would happen if I disappeared too?

Cutting out people tearing in black.

Who would give you voice?

What would happen to my expensive lingerie?

People don’t pass on dead people’s underwear.

What would define me?

What would describe me in the first sentence?

I wouldn’t like them to say I was beautiful.

I would like them to say I kept my thoughts to myself,

Often falling in the void of everything I couldn’t explain.

Never A or B but everything in between.

All these thoughts I would like to keep adventurous,

Pass the shadows once they fade in jet-black.

——————————————————————————————-

January 1st, 2012

Like sand clocks,

We drop in the sequel of time, light and unaware.

Dead time,

Uncontrollably splitting continuance,

Brings the illusion of meaning for past time.

The mystery of time relativity works our way, somehow.

The wisdom it brings is irreversible.

We were built to linger

‘Cause nostalgia is a self-destructive state of mind.

We were not built to swim across dead time,

The deep ends are unbearable,

And will remain unknown, forever.

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