#( ;; doggy knows the muffin man. )

[redemn]

on the topic of arthur singing . arthur would absolutely sing the muffin man to babies . out of range of everyone else though you won't catch him slacking .

[bunnys-kisses]

Bunny!! Could i do a whisky and a banana and chocolate muffin with toto?

bakery menu

want to suggest your own order? hit up the menu! there's ton to choose from and i hope you'll find something you love! thank you for submitting this order, i've been meaning to write more toto, there's something about him that just draws me in!

banana and chocolate muffins ("i'm only doing this because you need to learn how to behave, rules are rules, and you need to follow them.") + whisky (degrading language) served by toto wolff (formula one)!

cw: smut/pwp, dirty talk/degrading language, mean!toto, age gap (20s/50s), doggy style, jealousy, possessive!toto, spaking/punishment

he had been looking for you in the paddock. it was after the belgian grand prix, the celebrations were underway but mister wolff's precious girl was nowhere to be found.

"schatzi! schatzi!" he called out as he walked through the area. the worst he expected was to find you curled up in a mercedes driver's room fast asleep. all the recent traveling had taken a lot out of you.

what he didn't expect was you giggling at the jokes of none other than max verstappen.

maybe it was a jealousy thing, you and max were closer in age. he was currently a superstar, there was a pull to him that no one else on the grid could deny. the flying dutchman, mad max, whatever else they wanted to call him.

so maybe it was a little overboard with what toto did after the race in your hotel room. he watched your legs kick out as his large hand laid another slap across your ass cheeks.

he kept you pinned to his lap by resting his other forearm on the center of your shoulders. he groped your ass a little rougher than normal and said, "i'm only doing this because you need to learn how to behave, rules are rules, and you need to follow them. i don't need you running off with some pretty boy, schatzi. you're mine, remember?"

you whimpered a little bit, "i wasn't going to run off with him. i'd never, honey. i love you too much."

he palmed your bruised cheek, he sighed, "drivers nowadays only think about one thing, my love. they'd eat you up and spit you out." he landed another smack across your cheek, "you're safer with me. someone who actually knows how to be with a woman. you need a man, not a boy."

you whimpered, "i know, toto. i know that, that's why i only want to be with you. max was just telling me a funny story and i lost track of time! i'm sorry!" then yelped when he brought his hand down once more.

toto really couldn't be mad at you for too long, even with envy nipping at his heels. it wasn't like you were naked on top of his car and letting him fuck you. or worse, wearing the red bull logo across those pretty tits.

but verstappen would never see you naked, not while toto still haunts the earth. no, no, that was for his eyes only as he admired your backside across his lap. your poor cheeks were going to be purple come the plane ride back home.

he dragged a finger across your slit, and said, "you'd never let another man touch you, right? you're not going to whore yourself out to the paddock, right? i need to hear it say it." he said as he sank two fingers into you.

you squirmed, but didn't get far. toto was bigger and stronger than you, you nodded and toto sank a third finger in which made your breath get caught in your throat.

"what was that, schatzi?" he asked, "i need you to use your words. can you use your words for me, or if your little brain not working?" it was so patronizing. but it made you hot all over.

his words melted in your brain and spread along the neurons that connected your head together. it was like spreading warm honey. you panted, "no one else, i promise. i promise no one else. i don't want leclerc or verstappen or norris." you were almost in tears. the stimulation left your core shaken.

toto made a pleased noise, his erection in his slacks pressed hard against you. he gave his fingers a few more pumps before he took them out and said, "then i never want you alone with any other driver that isn't on my team. alright? i know russell and hamilton, i don't trust the likes of verstappen. horner doesn't keep his boys in check." maybe it was because max had declined any and all offers to come to mercedes.

you nodded, "i'll be good."

toto chuckled and pushed hair out of your face. there was a bit more affection in his tone as he said, "good girl. that's what i like to hear. you're so good for me."

you squirmed a little, but were soon moved with ease as toto got you on your hands and knees with your bruised ass in the air. you looked divine, like the apple of temptation right before his eyes.

he took off his shirt, and you wiggled your behind at him. he leaned over and grabbed one of your cheeks which made you arch your back further. when he pulled away, he took his belt off. eventually he was naked and on the bed behind you.

he rubbed your hip with his nimble fingers as he loomed over you like a comforting shadow. he loved feeling this close to you, "you're beautiful." he said, "the most beautiful thing on the paddock. more beautiful than the girls that those boys bring around. more than the cars and the champagne, all of it." he kissed the back of your shoulder, such a tender moment considering only moments earlier he was bruising your ass.

"please, toto." you moaned as you felt his blunt cock head up against your slick pussy. you held onto the pillow under your head tightly.

he chuckled and rubbed his cock up against your entrance, "so pretty." he said, "but, you know that. you know how beautiful i think you are." he sank his cock into you and you moaned deep into the covers.

you felt the heat thump in your chest as you took his entire length. quite an impressive feat for someone of your size. but, you were beyond all else, toto's good girl.

he placed both of his hands on your hips and really moved against you. he watched how your body moved with every hard thrust. oh, you were beautiful. angelic, you were beyond amazing and you made toto's body feel flushed.

you whimpered, "i love you, toto. i don't want anyone else. none of them can compare to you." you bent your back to looked up at him. the sight made him shudder as he continued to move against you. fucking you into the hotel room bed.

the bed wasn't like the one back home, but it was a soft surface for him to thrust up into you. toto loved fucking you, he loved the feeling of your wet cunt around his painfully hard cock.

he'd joke and tell you that your pussy was the fountain of youth. it kept him young as he bullied the blunt tip up against your gummy soft cervix.

you rubbed your face up against the pillows and shuddered, "please, honey. ah! shit, you feel so good." you whimpered.

toto tensed up for a moment at your sweet words. he might be a jealous, possessive old bastard, but he loved you. he loved you so deeply, you were his pulse that kept him going everyday.

he kissed at your back as he continued to move against you. you felt like a dream. he continued to go as deep as he could go, his hands held onto your hips as he bullied his cock into you.

the entire thing left your core dripping,

he knew you from every angle, every inch of your being. he knew exactly how to make you scream. so it wasn't hard that you were so close to finishing.

and he didn't let up. he continued to press against you, his cock buried inside of you. his heart was in his throat, even if there was a twinge of pain in his hip. (maybe he wasn't as much of a young stallion as he thought he was).

"so beautiful." he purred, "do you like that, schatzi, when i fuck you the way you deserve?"

you let out a small moan in response and it made toto feel hot all over. god, you were perfect.

"please!" you came loudly, clinging onto the bed under you. you panted heavily into the pillows. orgasm claws through you and made you feel heated all over. only he could make you feel that good. he was right, those little boys on the grid could never do what he did.

how he could pull every orgasm out of you, how he had you wrapped around his fingers like a cute garden snake. he loved you so, which was why he had to make sure those idiot drivers didn't hurt you. only toto knew that he could take such good care of you.

"toto." you whimpered.

he gave it a few more hard thrusts before he leaned over you and finished inside of you. he had you pressed into the bed with your hips angled with his cock.

you whimpered and felt the after waves of the intense orgasm. your body was achy but in a great way. even though your cheeks were to be bruised come morning. you knew that toto would kiss away any and all pain. just as he always did.

he laid out beside you on the bed and got those long arms around you. he made you feel so small when he spooned you from behind. you could feel his cum up against your inner thigh.

between soft pants you said, "no one can take you from me, honey." you pressed your face against his chest. your fingers grazed across his chest hair.

he chuckled, "good. that's what i like to hear." he curled around you and placed kisses on your face. he said, "a woman like you needs a man. not a boy."

you giggled and looked at him, "and you're more than man enough for me. plus, i don't think that any of them could compete in the downstairs department." you covered your face at your words.

he pulled your hands away from your face then held them while he kissed you. it was true, a woman like you needed a man. and the man you needed was him (sorry, verstappen!). <3

[daisies-daydreams]

OKAY OKAY HEAR ME OUT…hobie brown with a plus size reader. I’m talking TUMMY, ROLLS, MUFFIN TOP. THE WHOLE SHEBANG. AND HE JUST..HE JUST LOVES IT. and reader is shorter than hobie. I’m talking 5’4 type short (average height BUT CMON. MANS IS LANKY AF. HES TALL SO HE THINKS READER IS SHORT AF) AND JUST YEAH. smut if you can pls 🙏 I need more size inclusive fics fr fr ~🕷️

Shape of You (Hobie Brown x F!Plus-Size!Reader)

Pairing: Hobie Brown x F!Plus-Size!Reader Category: Fluff & Smut (18+) Warnings: Brief Depiction of Body Insecurity, Making Out, Hickeys, Vaginal Fingering, Nipple/Breast Play, Clit Play, Cowgirl, Doggy Style, Creampies, Dirty Talk, P in V Sex, Unprotected Sex (you know the drill), Multiple Orgasms, Pet Names (love, babe, baby, honey) Word Count: 3.6k+

A/N: Y’all must have some sort of psychic link with me…b/c I was literally just about to start writing astv x plus size reader! 🥹 (No joke I’m 5’4 w/ a muffin top. Us girlies don’t get a lot of love 😞) I’m so so happy you requested this and I hope you enjoy it!

MINORS/AGELESS BLOGS DNI

You giggled as Hobie dramatically kicked the door open with his boot, his hand wrapped around yours as he led you into his flat. The light smell of cigarette smoke and pine wafted through the living room as you stepped inside. Hobie closed the door behind you before raising your hand above your head. You laughed as he twirled you around, your frilly tank top fluttering as you spun. When you turned back around, his smokey eyes held a new softness in them. 

“What?” you giggled. Hobie pulled you to him, your bodies pressing together as he placed a hand on your cheek. 

“Just admirin’ my girl,” he drawled with a lazy yet warm smile. You gasped quietly as he brushed his thumb over the curve of your cheek, his other hand falling to smooth over your hip. A familiar heat began to swell inside your core as he dipped his head down, letting his lips linger over yours. “You’re so fucking gorgeous, babe,” Hobie husked, his lip ring just barely brushing over your upper lip. You shivered as he rubbed small circles on your waist. 

“H-Hobie,” you flushed. 

“Hm? Somethin’ wrong?” he asked. You bit your lip as you clenched your thighs together, arousal flooding your every sense in the moment as time came to a standstill. You took a deep breath. 

“Do you really mean it?” you asked. Hobie blinked as his brows slightly furrowed. 

“‘Course I mean it,” he replied. You nodded, yet you still wore a somewhat pensive expression as you glanced down. You gasped when you felt his hands snake down and squeeze your ass. 

“Hobie!” you blushed. Your boyfriend wore a wry grin as his eyes glowed with mischief.

“If I didn’t mean it, would I have done that?” he asked while tilting his head. You swallowed when he pressed his lips to your neck, the smooth metal of his piercing stroking over your pulse. You didn’t even realize that you backed against the wall as he suddenly puckered his plump lips over your goose-bump ridden skin, sucking on it tenderly. You moaned softly as he massaged your bum while working a large hickey on your neck. He wore a sincere, yet still cheeky, grin on his face as he pulled back. 

“Would I put a mark on you if I didn’t mean it? Hm?” he murmured. You shook your head. 

“N-No,” you stammered. Hobie’s smile grew wider as he rested his forehead on yours, his hands now moving up to cup your breasts, giving them a firm squeeze. You squealed as he smoothed his thumbs over your covered tits. 

“Atta girl,” he nearly growled as he nipped just below your ear. Sparks of pleasure flitted through your now dripping cunt as he let his hands run down your puffy tummy. “We both know I’m not one for orders…but right now, I’d love nothing more than seeing each and every delicious inch of you bounce as you ride my cock,” Hobie groaned as he slipped his hands beneath your shirt. His cold hands made you jolt as he rubbed up and down your front, tracing over the bottom of your breasts and the top of your belly. 

“How’s that sound?” he asked, his voice undeniably dripping with pure lust. You suddenly reached up on your tip-toes, throwing any sense of inhibition out the window as you wrapped your arms around his neck. You felt him smirk against you as your mouths danced together, the soft squelching of your heated kissing filling his small apartment. He chuckled as he pulled back, pushing a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “I’ll take that as a ‘yes’, then,” he mused. You nodded as you squeezed the back of his neck. 

“Yes,” you said breathily, your chest rising and falling rapidly as your heart thrummed against your ribcage. Hobie hummed before leaning back down, tilting his head to capture your mouth in a deeper kiss as his hands began to bunch up the fabric of your tank top. You moaned as he traced his tongue along your bottom lip and began to pull your shirt up. You broke for a moment as you raised your arms, allowing him to toss it aside. 

“God baby, I can’t wait to feel your warm pussy wrapped around me,” Hobie growled, his deft fingers making easy work of finding the clasp of your bra. You sighed, parting your lips as he unhooked your bra, his tongue sliding into your mouth as the two of you moaned in unison. A particular swipe of his tongue against yours made you cross your knees together, drawing a husky chuckle from your lover as he slipped his wet muscle out. 

“Couch or bedroom?” he asked, his hands already undoing the button and zipper of your ripped jeans.  

“Does it really matter?” you panted as you shrugged your bra off of your shoulders. He laughed again before pecking the corner of your mouth. 

“Good point,” he shrugged as he tugged your pants down your plump thighs. His eyes lit up with hunger when he saw your rolls spill out from your panties. “Fuckin’ ‘ell,” Hobie grunted as you stepped out of your pants. His eyes flicked back up to you as he took your hand again, guiding you to sit on the middle cushion of his couch. You tilted your head as you watched him sink to his knees, parting your legs with his large, calloused hands. 

“I thought you wanted me to ride you?” you giggled. Hobie smirked up at you before pressing a gentle kiss to one of the prominent stretch marks on your left thigh. You twitched beneath his simple touch as he smoothed his hands over your legs, nuzzling his face against the plush of your thigh. 

“I do…but first, I wanna make sure you know just how much I adore you,” he groaned as he met your gaze. A small moan left you as he stroked the inside of your thigh, he tilted his head up. 

“Every roll,” he said as he kissed your belly. You squeaked when you felt his fingers hook around the band of your panties. 

“Every stretch mark,” Hobie murmured before sucking another mark onto you. You swallowed thickly as he licked his lips afterwards. Your hips raised on their own as he pulled your panties down, his gaze half-lidded and drunk on the feeling of your warm body against his. You shuddered as the cold air hit your puffy lower lips, your arousal leaking out from your slit. Hobie fanned his hands over the creases where your pelvis met your legs as he dipped his head lower, his warm breath rolling over your mound. 

“Fuck, everything about you drives me absolutely crazy, (Y/N),” his breath stuttered before he sweetly pressed his lips to your clit. 

“F-Fuck, Hobie,” you keened, your mind and body already overwhelmed as his rough thumbs spread your chubby pussy lips apart. Without any hesitation he lowered his head, flicking the tip of his tongue over your sensitive clit. Bolts of electricity shot through you as you clenched your thighs, your head falling back as he gently lapped at your bundle of nerves. He moaned against your sex as his fingers glided down towards the rim of your entrance, your walls fluttering as he circled around your hole. You gasped when he puckered his lips around your sensitive clit, sucking on it hungrily as he began to push two of his long fingers inside of your tight walls. 

“O-Oh God, oh my God,” you panted as he alternated between licking and swiping at your button with his tongue and sloppily making out with it. You swore you saw stars when he brought your clit between his teeth, nibbling on it gently as he slowly pumped his digits in and out of your slick cunt. Another low groan rose from his chest, the vibrations making your head spin as your walls clenched around his fingers. 

You moaned loudly as he curled his fingers against your spongey g-spot, your legs shaking as he swirled the tip of his tongue over your plump button. Hobie grunted as your hands flew to his head, your fingers gripping his dark wicks as he stroked your gummy walls at a faster face. 

“Y-Yes, keep going!” you cried as your head fell back against the headboard of the sofa. You yelped when he suddenly threw one of your legs over his sharp shoulder, moving your pelvis so his fingers slipped even deeper inside of you. You sobbed with pleasure as Hobie sucked on your bundle of nerves again while scissoring his deft fingers inside of your gushing pussy. His eyes looked like they were about to roll into the back of his skull as your cunt fluttered around him, your head dizzy as you felt the bubble inside you about to burst. 

Your legs shook violently as your hips snapped forward, white flashing over your vision as your arousal flooded his parched mouth. You barely registered his moaning as you arched your back, your orgasm shaking you to the core as pure pleasure rolled in waves over you. You clenched the couch cushion as you heaved, feeling coming back to your fingers and toes as your heartbeat slowed. You whimpered as Hobie gave a peck to your clit, his three fingers still stuffed inside your tight cunt as he pulled his head up. He kept his eyes on you as he slowly pulled his digits out, cooing as you winced at the emptiness. 

“Did so good f’me, hun,” he sighed as he brought his fingers up to his mouth. You gawked at how soaked they were, your opalescent cream coating every crease of his digits. Your soul nearly shot out of your body as he rolled his tongue out, swirling it around the tips of his fingers before shoving them inside his mouth. He groaned as he sucked on them, savoring the taste of your sweet juices. 

“You feelin’ alright?” he asked after he released his fingers with a slick “pop”. You nodded, your body coated in a thin sheen of sweat as you caught your breath. 

“Y-Yeah, it was just…a lot,” you giggled sheepishly. Hobie chuckled as he rested his hands on your knees. 

“You okay if we go on?” he asked, his voice taking on a softer tone. You blinked before nodding slowly. “You don’t have to ride me if it was too much f’you,” Hobie added, his thumbs caressing the inside of your knees. You shook your head violently. 

“No-I-I at least want to try,” you said. Hobie gave a gentle smile before rising to his feet. Your breath hitched as your eyes trailed down to his pants, a prominent bulge poking out from beneath his slacks. Just as you shifted over, Hobie patted your knee. 

“Stay there real quick,” he said as he walked into the kitchen. You craned your neck to see him grabbing a glass from the cupboard and filling it up with some water from the sink. Every cell in your body felt like it was going to melt as he smiled at you while bringing the glass over.

“‘Ere you go,” he said with a grin as he handed you the water. 

“Thank you, Hobes,” you smiled as you took the glass. You gulped down the beverage before setting the glass on the stained coffee table. You watched as your lover pulled his shirt up and over his head before undoing his belt. You bit your lip as he pulled down his boxers. His long cock sprang free, the sight his dark, swollen tip made your cunt flutter. He smiled as he took a seat on one of the other couch cushions, spreading his wiry legs as his member twitched.

“Your throne awaits,” Hobie mused as he patted his thigh. He laughed when you rolled your eyes, despite the playful smile on your face. You crawled over to his lap, your heart pounding inside of your ears as your wet pussy lips grazed over the thick head of his cock. Both of you panted and moaned as you rocked your hips back and forth, massaging his tip with your pretty slit. He squeezed your love handles as you slowed your movements. You released a shaky breath as you positioned yourself, his tip just barely breaching past your entrance. 

“Take your time, lovie,” he murmured into your ear as he grabbed the base of his cock, helping to steady it as you hooked your hands over his shoulders. With a quiet moan, you finally began to sink down on his lengthy shaft. Hobie hissed through gritted teeth, his other hand gripping the plump flesh of your hip as your slick pussy swallowed his cock. 

“Mmmmm, fuck,” he groaned as he slipped his hand away, watching as you sheathed yourself on his rod. Shivers ran up your spine with each inch you took, feeling every bulging vein and curve of his shaft slide against your sensitive walls. You jolted a little when the back of your thighs met with the front of his, the head of his cock now snug against your cervix. You dipped your head into his shoulder as you trembled in his hold, the feeling fullness sparking every single nerve in your sex. “Shh, shh I got you,” Hobie purred as he stroked your back. He patiently waited for you to adjust, his lips trailing along your cheek. 

“Whenever you’re ready, sweet thing,” he murmured. You swallowed a lump in your throat before you started to raise your hips. Hobie’s pupils were blown wide as you gasped, half of his cock still lodged between your plush walls before you sank back down. ���G-Good girl,” he grunted, his thumbs finding their way to smooth over your hard nipples. You gasped and moaned as his cock split you in two, your thighs and belly jiggling as you raised and lowered yourself. 

“H-Hobieee,” you whined as he lightly pinched your nipples, his calloused tips a sharp contrast to your soft skin. 

“Christ, look at you ridin’ my cock so well,” he rasped, eyes locked on your breasts and puffy tummy bouncing. His words made your pussy gush with slick as you sobbed, hiding your head in the crook of his neck. Hobie kissed your cheek, his palms now cupping your ass. “Yes, that’s it, love,” he grunted, his sharp hips snapping up to plunge deep inside your swollen cunt. 

“H-Hobie-“ you tried to warn him before you suddenly stiffened, your legs burning and twitching as your cunt seized around his throbbing shaft. You cried against his shoulder as your hands gripped onto him for dear life. 

“That’s it,” he cooed as you rocked your hips forward. You shivered once you finally came down from your high, your cunt absolutely drenching his dick in your arousal. Hobie pecked your temple as he rubbed your lower back. 

“Did so well f’me, sweet girl,” he murmured. You peeked up. 

“Did you get to finish?” you asked. Hobie shook his head, though he still held the dreamy look in his eyes. You groaned and rested your forehead against his shoulder, your face erupting with heat. 

“Oi, s’alright,” Hobie said as he leaned his head forward just a little more. “If you want, we could try a different position,” he proposed with a sultry tone. He gave a wry grin as your walls fluttered around his girth. You tilted your head up to look into his smokey eyes. 

“Could we…” your voice trailed off as you bit your lip. Hobie tilted his head, his eyes holding such patience in them. You felt your insides start to melt as you cleared your throat. “Could we maybe try…doggy style?” you asked. Hobie’s eyes lit up despite the calm expression on his face. 

“‘Course,” he replied. You suddenly pulled your head up, your lips colliding with his as you rested your hands on his chest. Your eyelids fluttered as you tasted yourself on his tongue as he glided it across yours. You whined as you raised your hips, his cock slipping from between your folds before you adjusted yourself on the couch. Hobie wore an amused smirk as you wiggled your ass side to side. 

“Fuck me,” he sucked in a sharp breath as you slid a pillow under your stomach and curved your spine. 

“I just did that,” you giggled as you braced your arms against the couch. You squealed when you felt him spread your thick cheeks apart with his hands. 

“Cheeky thing,” Hobie clicked his tongue as he guided his dick to your entrance. You grasped at the cushion in front of you as he rubbed the soaked tip of his cock against your labia, his hand kneading the flesh of your bum. “Y’ready f’me?” he drawled. You nodded, your hair sticking to your face as you puffed out a breath of hot air. 

“Yes-please Hobie, f-fill me up till I’m leaking with your cum!” you whined. Your jaw went slack when you felt him sheathe himself inside you with one fluid thrust. You nearly choked on your moan as he snapped his hips forward, dragging his cock against your oversensitive walls at a hungry pace. 

“Oh, fuck,” Hobie moaned behind you. You squeaked when you felt him grab your asscheeks firmly as his heavy balls grazed over your ripe clit. “Christ, look at your gorgeous arse bounce,” he praised, his words like honey flowing from his lips as he pistoned his cock inside you. Your mind was reeling as you heard the unmistakable sound of your cheeks clapping mixed with the loud squelching of him stuffing your cunt. 

“Fuck, baby-could watch this body bounce and jiggle f’me for hours,” Hobie strained as his fingers dug into your plump flesh. You squealed when he leaned over, his long, wiry frame draping over your chubby body. You whined as he scraped his teeth against your shoulder. 

“Feel so fuckin’ good wrapped around my cock,” Hobie growled, his hips still grinding against your backside as his head teased your cervix. Drool slipped past the corner of your mouth as he sank his teeth into your skin. Your eyes rolled back as you felt your third orgasm wash over your, your limbs turning into jelly as your cunt spasmed. 

“Sh-shit,” Hobie grunted, his plump lips kissing over your bite before he pulled back. Both of you were a panting mess as his thrusts began to grow more frenzied, the sounds surely penetrating the walls of his flat by now. “So good baby,” he repeated like a broken record. Your body rocked back and forth with the force of his thrusts, your ability to speak now reduced to babbles and moans. 

“Gonna cum-where?” Hobie asked, his cock twitching inside of your tight cunt. You mewled before tilting your head up. 

“I-Inside,” you managed to breath, your spine arching on its own as he tenderly grazed over your g-spot. You felt Hobie push his cock inside you a few more times before he suddenly stilled. He released a deep, husky groan as his warm cum flooded your sweetly fucked hole. You gasped and shoved your face into the couch cushion as you felt his seed paint your walls. His hands felt so warm against your backside as his cock twitched a few more times. You grew dizzy at the feeling of his cum seeping out of your stretched entrance and rolling over your thighs. You shivered as he caressed your hips. 

“Feelin’ alright?” he asked. Your cheeks warmed at the sentiment as you nodded. Hobie chuckled softly before patting your bum. “Good,” your lover said before slowly pulling out. Your pussy felt so raw as the head of his dick popped out, his cum now dribbling onto the worn cushion below. You caught your breath before pushing up on your hands, your heartbeat steadying as you leaned back. 

“Jesus, Hobie,” you panted. “That was…I don’t think a man’s ever made me cum that much,” you confessed with a shaky laugh. Hobie tilted his head as he gave you a sultry grin. 

“t’s my pleasure,” he winked. You laughed as he pecked your temple, his hand falling onto the top of your thigh. 

“Why don’t we take a shower, yeah?” he suggested as he traced his hand down your cheek. You smiled. 

“That sounds wonderful,” you beamed before pausing. “It’s not an excuse to see me naked for a bit longer, is it?” you teased. Hobie held up his hands as he shrugged. 

“Could you blame me?” he asked as he gave you a puppy-eyed look. You giggled and gave him a quick kiss. After cleaning up, the rest of the night was spent with his lean frame curling against yours as he held you in his bed. You smiled as you listened to his steady heartbeat, his dark lips parted as he hummed a quiet tune against your neck. 

“What’s on your mind, doll?” he asked. You shrugged as you traced a finger along his bedsheets. 

“Thinking about you…about us,” you said. 

“What about us?” he grunted inquisitively before pecking the back of your neck. You smiled warmly as you turned, your legs tangling with his as you met his eyes. 

“About how happy I am that we’ve worked out,” you grinned ear to ear. Hobie blinked, his chiseled features softening as he rubbed your back. 

“I’m happy ‘bout it, too,” he confessed with a rare shy grin. Your heart skipped a beat as he planted a kiss on your forehead. “Now, let’s get some sleep. Had quite the workout tonight,” he chuckled. You giggled as you snuggled against his chest. 

“Night, Hobie,” you sighed happily. Hobie brought his hand up to your hair, stroking his fingers through it as you closed your eyes. 

“G’night, sweetheart,” he whispered. 

————

Thank you for reading! ❤️

Taglist: @maybethatfanfictionwriter

[gabessquishytum]

I've been non-stop thinking about squishy/chubby Hob for the past several days and now I see that someone brought it up here and I'm LOSING IT, okay? I don't even know how it happened but in my mind's eye, Hob is always slightly chubbier than average. Full dad bod. A tiny muffin top and love handles and thighs that could kill a man (Dream, in particular).

And Dream loves it. Loves the give of Hob's body, loves squeezing and pulling and pressing bruises into soft skin. There is a lot of strength hidden under that extra fat, strong muscles that can hold Dream up against the wall while Hob fucks him, and that is very good too, but having Hob in his lap and feeding him something sweet, perhaps strawberries and cream, and then holding his belly as Dream fucks him, praising him for taking good care of himself, that is VERY GOOD.

I'll go feral for Hob's soft belly. One day, I'll see feeding kink and actually bite off a bit of my screen.

Ohohoho you have come to the RIGHT place me friend.

Listen, I adore Ferdie, I am MADLY attracted to him. The only thing I’m sad about in seeing him portray Hob is that we don’t get to see his body change like it does in the comics. Comics!Hob is a big guy, obviously holds fat very easily. He also obviously uses his weight to help change his appearance - he goes from muscular-chunky in 1389 to relatively twinky in 1489, then back to the (literal) dad bod in 1589. Obviously that can’t be reflected in a TV show, but it does mean that I’m inevitably projecting my chubby Hob feelings onto show!Hob anyways.

I live for dad bod, comfortable, proud of his body Hob. He’s WORKED for that body. He worked for the muscles by changing the casks at the new inn and keeping up with the latest street fighting styles, but he worked just as hard to get himself a comfortable life where he can settle in, eat what he likes and gain some weight.

Dream understands and appreciates all of that. And in terms of texture? There’s nothing better than Hob’s squishy parts. To a touch starved Dream who spent a century in a glorified sensory deprivation chamber, Hob’s body is heaven. He could spend a good hour with his face smushed into Hob’s belly. No breathing necessary. Just softness and warmth.

And yes I’m feral for Dream’s fucking Hob doggy-style, gripping him by the love handles or belly and moaning every time he fucks forward and sinks into the soft body that he adores so much.

I have written some feeding kink stuff for these two, not very kinky but VERY soft. I fully intent to write more, but feel free to check out what I’ve done so far on ao3!

[pttwice]

you can tell me i’m wrong about this, but i’m pretty sure i’m right.

okay so you know how kids usually get really hyper when they have a lot of sugar? i think that would happen to little!sana. her mamas would only give her soda or candy or something really sugary on special occasions because taking care of sana when she’s got a sugar high is like taking care of a tornado. she’s running around everywhere, wants to do everything all at once, and will most likely (accidentally of course) break at least one thing in the house if not two things.

the reason i have muffin from bluey up there is because i think that represents little!sana when she’s hyped up on sugar so well. chaotic and a little wild (very sassy as well) but still very sweet. even though sana doesn’t like the doggies (aka bluey, 101 dalmatians, blues clues, etc.) as much as little!jeong and little!tzu, whenever they’re watching bluey, little!sana’s mamas can’t help but make the sana to muffin comparison.

i also think the three pictures up top just perfectly encapsulates little!sana if she’s had enough sugar. little!sana just thinks that muffin is a cute and funny character, but her mamas know the truth.

aw man now i really want to put all the little!twice members to a bluey character 😔

[talesfrommedinastation]

I'm with @thecoffeelorian, as I might get flamed/yelled at for opinions, but guys...I'm a 30-something with a full time job in program management and a survivor of academia, mainstream publishing, and Pandemic Facebook. Y'all can't do nothing to me.

I'm also daydrinking because Work Was Terrible Today.

This rant was brought to you by the letter 'T' which stands for 'Tequila on the Rocks'. It's five o clock somewhere.

Thoughts on this trailer?

Sweet Jesus, they better make Phee cool and independent and not just Tech's jilted boo. I want the one, ONE black woman in this series to not be crying over a guy she flirted with a few times. I want her to kick ASS and take NAMES because she is a New Orleans CHURCH LADY according to Redneck Doug. Also, the fact that Phee = Tech's back makes me moan. So, the lone black woman is only important because it's proof the white guy she likes is still around? Seriously guys?

Cad Bane + Fennec + Wolffe + Ventress = man, they're bringing out everyone and I am A-OK with this. Let's go full Avengers Endgame on this monkey.

Crosshair and Omega working together would/will be awesome....because he'd view her as an adult and an equal, possibly. Not like Hunter. And if she's forced to grow up because there's no other option, that shows some awesome character growth and I'm down with it.

I'm okay with Tech coming back as a regrown soldier who is the first Thrawn style clone. I'm pretty sure he's in the trailer doing his little stomp hunched walk on Pabu. Speak of the Santorini looking devil....

I'm also okay with Pabu being attacked. It's proof that they need to stand and fight. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT HEROES DO*.

Yeaaaah they get an attack doggie. If Doggo and Crosshair get a Ghost and Jon Snow relationship going I'll cry from fucking JOY.

Fireball has a flame thrower. Shit yeah, Nutsy, barbeque a bitch. You my boo.

Thank the fuck Christ there's no Ewoks.

Will Darth Vader show up cuz he's not here?

One of the Imperial guards has tits. Don't know if that's relevant to the plot but it is THERE.

*= James Motherfuckin' Holden would NEVER, and that's why The Expanse was so goddamned good.

"Dr Meat Muffin, why are you always comparing The Expanse to everything?"

'IT'S CALLED HAVING STANDARDS!"

ok y’all, it’s been a few days, i think we’ve had time to process and (over)analyze and collect our thoughts.

excitements/worries/overall thoughts on the bad batch season 3 trailer?

anyone is allowed to jump in. this is discussion time ! :)

[tabootabletalk]

A Clit's Tale

(Written on midnight of my birthday 9/1/2021)

Giving head is nothing like the fire hydrant diagram. The top tree pointers are the only areas the garner any pleasure for your partner. However, pulling down towards the pelvice tightens the skin of the head bringing the nerves closer to the surface and increases the amount of sensation he feels. And adding ball play to the mix is an added bonus.

Let’s not forget that every man has a different threshold for pleasure. I unfortunately have never experienced a climax from oral sex. That’s not to say it never feels good. It’s just that my threshold exceeded their abilities. They experienced jaw fatigue before getting me close to filling their mouths and throats.

Just like the author suggests men exercise our oral muscles women should do the same.

Everything You Need to Know About Cunnilingus!

But You Were Too Busy Picking the Hairs Out of Your Teeth to Ask.. Quick How to eat pussy.

Eating pussy can be one of the most wonderful things you can do for a woman (or so I read on the cover of Cosmo). It makes her feel appreciated, respected, desirable, and has the potential to give her an orgasm that will shatter glass, raise the dead, even wake you in the next room. Besides, lots of women expect it these days, and men who perform great oral sex are always in demand. If you gain a reputation as an expert, many classy, attractive women, way out of your league, may overlook your other shortcomings. Just kidding, but it gives us an excuse to talk more about vaginas.

The vagina is a mystery to most men. It’s hidden away. Taken out only for special occasions and then quickly put back into hiding. Like an english muffin, its full of nooks and crannies and tastes best slathered in melted butter.

For something so complex you’d think there would be instructions, or a map, or a help icon. How many times have you planted your face at heaven’s door and said to yourself, “Man, it sure would be nice if just once she told me what she liked? Should I feel free to move about the cabin or should I keep my seatbelt securely fastened and concentrate on her love button? Should I move up and down? Back and forth? In little circles? Dive in deep or doggy paddle on the surface? To finger or not to finger, that is the question?”

Men have no problem telling women what they like, “Oh yeah! That’s it! Oops, sorry baby. It’s OK, it’s protein.” There is no mystery about a penis. It stands out in the open. Proud. Happy to be out in the breeze. No matter how small or unimpressive, every penis acts as if it’s a Will Ferrell, the Washington Monument, or a mighty Sequoia. A penis is so simple in comparison to a vagina that I can explain everything you need to know about performing oral sex on a penis using a standard fire hydrant.

Tongue places is usually never the issue but proper timing, it's all a good space to slut her out, but place your tongue on the outer labia at the wrong moment can get you the "what the fuck are you doing" look...

If a woman is still unsure, she can rent an adult video. Any video. I know what you’re thinking, “I’ll just go online and find a video and learn all about eating pussy. I don’t have to read a bunch of words.” Wrong. Forget for a minute that as soon as you hit the play button your right hand will instinctually grab the mouse and find the fast-forward button while your right hand locates your mule and begins the old “up and down.” You can’t learn how to eat a pussy from a video because of your big old head.

Here’s a picture of me, eating the sweet pussy of a famous actress. Informative? Taking notes? You could watch me give Meryl several orgasms (and I did) and you wouldn’t learn jack. All you’d do is waste lotion and a few million sperm.

Even when porn movies show oral sex in close-up labia-vision-3D, they have to push the licker’s head sideways to give a good view to the camera, while snapping the receiver’s hip out of joint. This position is designed for good cinema, not for optimal pleasure.

Practice, Practice, Practice - Pussy Eating Exercises One of the key differences between performing oral favors on a woman versus a man is time. With men, the better you are, the shorter your performance. With women, you’re expected to be able to perform for extended periods of time. In order to develop marathoner-like endurance, there are a number of exercises that can be used to strengthen the muscles in your mouth

Exercise 1

Stick your tongue as far out of your mouth as possible, and then try to touch your nose. Eat a booger, if possible. Repeat in 3 sets of 10 reps or when boogers are clear. This exercise is fun, funny to watch, and nutritious. It also makes a great decongestant.

Exercise 2

With a loose jaw, point your tongue while simultaneously trying to keep your tongue in constant contact with the top and bottom of your mouth. You’ll quickly learn that this is impossible. A Zen-like exercise designed to equip you mentally for failing again and again to satisfy your lover.

Exercise 3

Keep your tongue relaxed and open your mouth. Move your tongue in and out of your mouth, forward, and in both directions, while licking hair from her hair brush. Try to focus while clearing the hairs. Practice in five sets of twenty and build up to adding aromas and darkness to the exercise.

Get Licking! 

Now that your tongue is in shape it’s time to start licking. Lick everything you can get your tongue on and are legally allowed to touch. Be sure to invest in a big hunk of filleted salmon. I know what your saying, “Salmon is like $12 a pound, can’t I use a lollypop or a nice piece of dried cod?” When it comes to training for licking labia, you can’t skimp! Save the dried cod for her post-menopausal years.

Now, that’s a nice piece of fish, tastefully shaped to promote interest, and garnished with parsley to simulate the texture of her 10 o'clock shadow.

Not only does salmon have the right look and feel, after a couple of days it will smell right too. Before diving in check your salmon for errant bones and remove any you find with a plier.

Important Note:

You don’t have to perform this task with a real pussy.

Basic Techniques

Its time to put on some romantic music, pour some wine, grab that hunk of salmon and master the following techniques. But first, lets reaquaint ourselves with the female gentalia. I found this useful diagram at CómoComerUnaVagina.com.

¡Hay carumba! That pussy looks like its singing opera. If the pussy in front of you starts to sing you’re either doing something right or you might have her upside.

Lets talk technique. I once wrote in peer review journal that “a good lover’s hands never stop moving.” Meaning moving on the woman’s body, not on your own johnson or on the remote. Constant motion is important, and if you’re prone to sea sickness, focus on the horizon (or her Caesarian scar). A big thanks to my old friend Tabitha who helped me out with this section. I tried out the different techniques on Tabitha while my assistant took notes and photos.

The Lick

Leaving your tongue soft and jaw relaxed (this is important to avoid cramping), try licking her from vaginal entrance (that’s the hole, the slit, the crease) up to her clit (that’s the clit) and following the outer edges of her vagina (that’s the lips or labia, not her hips or the edge of the bed) along both sides. Repeating this technique going up and down and vice versa can be a great opener. You might try “Hello” as an opener too, if she isn’t already spread eagle on the bed.

The Lick didn’t really do much for Tabitha. I believe she said something like, “I hope you’re just warming up cause you gotta long way to go to get Tabitha off!”

Labial Hold

While holding the two parts together with your lips, run your tongue between the inner and outer labia one side at a time. Don’t hold it too long - labia need to breathe. I sometimes punch a few holes in them and attach an air freshener.

While it looks like she’s happy, Tabitha was actually saying “You call that a labial hold? I could reverse that hold and pin you in half a second!”

Tongue Intercourse

The majority of a woman’s nerve endings in her vagina are around the opening and within the first couple of inches inside, or she may have them in an adorable leather pouch in her purse. Target them with your tongue, acquiring the target with your heads-up display. Insert your munitions. This technique, like life itself, is limited due to length. If our God were a just God the sum total of tongue and penis length would be a constant for all men. Sadly, He decided it would be funnier to leave a bunch of us with limited length in both areas.

Now we’re getting somewhere! She said my head reminded her of lesbian porn...

The Flick (also called the Jablonsky)

Spread her outer vaginal lips with your fingers. Wrap them around your head like a hat. Stop giggling and re-focus. With your tongue pointed, gently flick your tongue around her clitoris. Feel free to roam, but keep coming back to her clit, and if you go to the next apartment, don’t bring that bimbo back with you.

This technique drives some women wild, and others find it to too intense, and most married women would rather be flipping through mail order furniture catalogs. When stimulating her clitoris make sure to start out gently if you aren’t sure how she likes it. If she likes it shaken not stirred, double-check the size of her “clit.” When you try this, pay attention to whether those moans are ecstasy or pain or maybe she’s waking up.

The flick got her attention, or she might have been wondering about the stains on the poster of her I keep on my bedroom wall. I told Mom to iron out the wrinkles!

Advanced Techniques

The following techniques should not be introduced until your partner is really hot (

i.e.

, very wet, me-so-horny, in heat, lust-filled, cock-hungry, faking it). These are more intense techniques, and may be too intense for some women, even when nearing orgasm. They may also lead to 9-1-1 calls to the police and follow-up restraining orders. Proceed with caution.

The Clitoris Suck

Expose her clitoris by spreading her lips and lightly pulling back her hood. When her hood is pulled back, make sure it’s really her and not the cleaning lady, put the hood back and readjust your own hood in case her’s falls off again. With her clitoris exposed, give it a quick little suck. Now when she tells you that you suck, you can take it as a compliment! This is a lot like licking a bit of cake batter off of your pinky, except not as tasty and it shouldn’t bring back fond memories of Mom. We recommend not using your teeth nor using heavy suction (i.e. vacuum cleaner) when starting out.

Her lips are pursing - she’s focusing. I know she’s close. Turns out she was close to passing gas, but from Carmen, it smelled like roses.

The Clitoris Hold

Take her exposed clitoris into your mouth and gently suck on it, simultaneously flicking your tongue over and around it. Don’t gag on it. Swallow what you can and close your eyes and make believe you’re not really there. When asked if you like this, grunt an affirmation. Go to your happy place until it’s all over. Take the pack of smokes and go back to your cell.

This section inadvertently transcribed from my prison diary

Unfortunately, the intensity of this technique gave Carmen a headache. It started up there and then moved around the eyes.

The Clitoris Pick and Roll

Take her exposed clitoris down to the local bakery. Order a nice Kaiser roll. Slather with mayo/custard and enjoy.

How was I to know she was doing the low carb thing? She just licked off the mayo/custard and told me to move on.

The Tongue Tube

Roll your tongue into a tube (if you cannot do this, forget about it because it is genetic and you can’t learn it - FYI: the rolling tongue gene is the same gene for large penises and long tongues). Roll your tongue into a tube around her clitoris so your tongue is doing something similar to a woman’s vagina around a man’s penis, but find women with large clitorises to perform this on its especially fun!!!

My tongue roll blew her away, especially when I finished with a twisting 2½ in the pike position - she was shocked and awed.

ABC’s

Try using your tongue to spell the alphabet on her genitals. This works surprisingly well as your tongue is always moving in different directions. When I’m bored I like to send subliminal messages to my lover. Stuff like, “Doing the dishes is fun,” and “Stop inviting your annoying friend Rachel over to our house,” and my favorite, “When are you going to cum? I’ve lost all feeling in my jaw and Sportcenter started 10 minutes ago.” If your lover is a non-English speaker do your best to simulate Sanskrit, Cyrillic, etc. If your lover is illiterate, get your face out of her pussy and teach her to read ferChristsakes.

This is when Carmen thanked Jesus that I was born and that my tongue had been introduced to her vagina.

This simple diagram summarizes all the basic and advanced techniques. Study it and commit it to memory. Or if you’re dumb, write it on your hand.

This guide is available at the https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/KJBASTNVYK1C?ref_=wl_share as a convenient, laminated card. It’s only $19.99!! We also have t-shirts, lots of t-shirts! Makes a great a great gift for the Fourth of July!

"Other Tips"

You can try using a wide variety of flavored gels, oils, and lubricants. Some of these products heat up when rubbed to add extra stimulation. You can also use these to add to your own fantasies. Use sesame oil so you can close your eyes and imagine that this is the vagina of the nice lady at your Chinese take-out place, or use olive oil for that Italian cutie who spit on you in High School.

A mint, as long as it is not too weak or strong, can create a very intense tingling sensation to enhance your performance. A mothball will not only keep her privates free of pests, but will let you live out your “Grandma” fantasies.

If your lover doesn’t smell or taste quite so delicious, suggest a visit to the doctor to find out if a racoon died in her cooch. A good rinse with Lysol also works wonders.

Bad Ideas

The Fidel

Placing your chin in her bush and yelling, “Conyo! You dirty imperialist Americans are a demanding bunch!” While most women admire a man with a sense of humor this is neither the time nor the place. Well, it is the place but it’s not the time. Save this move for the post-coital wrap-up.

The Rabbi

Place that yarmukle you got at your accountant’s wedding on her bush. Make an ambulance noise as you dive in, crying “I’ll save you Rabbi Schwartz!”

Making Farting Noises

Every man gets the urge to stick your face right in there and go “PPPPPTTTTPPPPT.” I mean you just know its gonna sound great. Resist this urge. It’s not going to help you attain your objective. Worse, she may think that she just farted in your face which will either embarass her or be her dream come true.

Bon Appétit!

There are few things more exciting to a woman than to know that her partner finds her delicious; meaning that you enjoy the taste, smell and feeling of her vaginal juices. Think of how you respond to a plate of ribs or a nice corned beef on rye. Feel free to say “What a value!,” or “Pass the mustard!” or “A pickle would go great with this!” Consider a generous tip - don’t just automatically leave 15%.

This is the new and approved version of the original Kage of Cunnilingus Hidden Village of The Clitoris Guide to How to Eat Pussy previously found exclusively on eventbrite.com/CunnilingusKage Accept no pale imitations! 

[spiderxling]

MUN QUESTIONNAIRE

► GENERAL INFORMATION

NAME or ALIAS: wren AGE: 26 DATE OF BIRTH: september 11th GENDER IDENTITY: non-binary (they/them) SEXUALITY: pansexual NATIONALITY: american SPOKEN LANGUAGE(S): english PAST OCCUPATION: doggy day care & pet hotel CURRENT OCCUPATION: photographer (not quiiiite professional yet but getting there)

► APPEARANCE

HEIGHT: 5′1″ HAIR COLOR: blonde (i haven’t made it a fun color in a while rip) EYE COLOR: teal/blueish green TATTOOS: 7 in total, will be 8 next week (6 on my arms, 2 on my legs - i won’t bore you by listing them all but feel free to ask if interested haha)

► EXTRA INFORMATION

CHARACTERS YOU PLAY: peter parker (mcu), peter parker (ps4), tony stark, erik lehnsherr, thena, nathan summers, phil coulson MEMBER SINCE: first joined the summer of 2016, took a break near the end of 2020, joined back in at the end of 2021 FAVORITE MARVEL CHARACTER: peter parker (i would put more than one but it would be a never ending list) FAVORITE MARVEL MOVIE: captain america: the winter solider, iron man 3, into the spiderverse, spider-man: no way home FAVORITE MARVEL BADDIE: out of the true villains i don’t think i have a favorite, so i’ll say magneto CHARACTER YOU WISH WOULD ENTER THE MCU: chloe bennet’s daisy johnson, put her in the movies PLEASE

► ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

HOROSCOPE: virgo JUNG TYPE: infj ENNEAGRAM: type 2 - the giver MORAL ALIGNMENT: chaotic good (i took a quiz and that’s what i got so im rolling with it lol) SIN: gluttony VIRTUE: kindness MOTTO: -- THEME SONG: forbidden friendship from the how to train your dragon soundtrack

► PERSONALITY

POSITIVE TRAITS: supportive, occasionally funny NEGATIVE TRAITS: falls of the face of the earth when overwhelmed, extreme people pleaser, easily squashed down/embarrassed, very self critical (but i’m working on all of that)

► FUN FACTS

- i have 2 cats (patch and luna) and a snake (adeline) - i graduated with two degrees: animal behavior & psychology. but now i am pursuing nature and pet photography. if you’d like to see my work my photography instagram is @/wrenfeatherphotos - my favorite place in the world is rocky mountain national park in colorado - while i don’t know the exact count, i now have over 100 funkos in my collection - and speaking of funkos, i make customs! if you want to see some that i’ve made you can go to @/funkosbywren on instagram and if you ever want one made... you know where to find me - i love baking. mostly brownies, cookies, muffins, and the occasional cheesecake 

[pascalpanic]

Can I get a ship?! I am 5'3, I have wavy brunette hair, and hazel eyes. I am a medical laboratory scientist. I love animals, I also have a rescue cat and rescue dog. Going to concerts is my favorite thing, which means I have an impressive band t shirt and poster collection. I love to bake, and i'm pretty good at it. I love bringing my co workers home made treats! I'm kind of a homebody, and i'm pretty introverted until you get to know me, then good luck getting me to shut up. I'm very close with my twin sister. I also love road trips and shopping for cool vintage stuff at thrift stores.

I would ship you with Frankie Morales!

Frankie is a huge fan of shelter pets, he says that they remind him of himself, and he absolutely adores your little fur babies! He gives them all of the kisses and attention, so much so you might have to physically make him pay attention to you when he’s at your place. Frankie is a huge classic rock fan, and his band t-shirt collection might even rival yours. He loves taking you to concerts and shouting along to the songs you both love. He’s an old soul, and he loves everything vintage. A perfect Saturday for Frankie would feature the two of you cooking breakfast together with your pets, then going to antique shops or thrift stores, then he’d buy you lunch (and definitely dessert- Catfish has a sweet tooth), you guys would shop some more, and he’d take you home and cuddle with you and read or watch Netflix all afternoon and into the evening. He’s a homebody too, and he’s the absolute best cuddler, so he loves spending time with you around the house rather than going out. He’d be super kind to your twin sister, going out of his way to impress her and make sure she knows how much you mean to him- Frankie is a family man and wants to be a part of your family someday! He has a rescue dog too, and he’d love to take your doggies on a walk through the park just to spend time with you- maybe that’s how you meet! His dog is some big breed, maybe a mutt, and she’s his everything- she has some extremely sweet name like Muffin or Princess, and he treats her like royalty. Additionally, he thinks your eyes are absolutely stunning (hazel gang!!) and probably has some cute little nickname for you based on how gorgeous they are.

Send me a ship request!! I’m having so much fun with these!!

[godlessondheimite]

g t y

G - The last person I said ‘I love you’ to. my doggy

T - 5 things I love unconditionally. my doggy,  fluffy man (dog), cupcake muffin (my dog), prince king (my dog) , handsome boy (my dog)

Y - If I like my town and why. hmmm i’m kind of resentful that i grew up here and still live here but it’s fine, i’d like to go but i don’t know where else to go and i like hoarding money by staying here. 

[petrichoravellichor]

Can I please have a (platonic) Balthazar and Castiel in the prompt “-some dude with a megaphone is spewing homophopic crap outside the cafeteria and we’re both protesting him because the college is adamnant about his freedom of speech rights, make out with me to piss him off?”

Can I Get an Amen

Relationship: Balthazar & Cas (platonic)

Other Characters: Sam Winchester, Naomi (unnamed, but it’s her)

Rating: T

Tags: Alternate Universe - College/University, Balthazar POV, Bi-/Pansexual Balthazar, Slightly Hippie!Cas (like, a mixture of Endverse!Cas + Crazy!Cas), Bees, Homophobic Language (which gets shut the fuck down), Very Exaggerated Make-Out Session Between Friends (to piss off a homophobe, so it’s for a good cause)

(Ao3)

*****

When Sam’s alarm went off at seven a.m., Balthazar’s first thought upon jarring awake was that he was going to throw the bloody phone out the window. (He didn’t, because doing so would have required him to get up, but it was a near thing.) Balthazar had no idea what sort of cosmic fuck-up he’d committed in a previous life to get landed with a roommate for whom going for an early morning run beat out having a lie-in, but as he grumbled under his breath while Sam rose and dressed, he felt fairly certain that fate was having a laugh at his expense.

Sam, the bastard, found this all very amusing.

“You know,” Sam said mildly as he sat on the edge of his bed and did up his shoelaces, seemingly impervious to the death-glare Balthazar was giving him, “it wouldn’t kill you to get up a few hours before your first class. You don’t even have to exercise: you could just, like, read or get some extra studying in or something.”

Balthazar snorted. “I could, yes, but why on earth would I,” he said, stretching luxuriously beneath his sheets, “when I could just as easily stay in bed and dream of having a ménage à-whatever-French-for-twelve is?”

“Okay, one, it’s douze, and two, ew. Also, don’t even pretend like you could keep up with that many women.”

“Mm, bold of you to assume they were all women.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Anyway,” he said, standing, “I’m gonna go. Have fun dreaming about naked people.”

He left, and Balthazar promptly buried his head under his pillow, determined to fall back asleep. He gave up after half an hour of angry tossing and turning, rising in a huff and stomping over to his dresser. If he was doomed to be awake this early, then he might as well go down to the quad and fetch himself something caffeinated to drink.

Ten minutes later, he was trudging down the steps outside the dorm building and mulling over various forms of revenge—his current favorite consisted of tossing out one of Sam’s beloved running shoes, then watching with glee as Sam searched for it in vain—when he heard a voice from the lawn to his left:

“You’re up early.”

Balthazar turned and spotted his friend Cas, who was currently dressed in a loose-fitting shirt and sweats; he was barefoot, balancing on one leg with the other tucked up under him, palms pressed together, and was peering at Balthazar with a mixture of surprise and amusement. “I didn’t know you even existed before noon.”

Balthazar sighed. “Yes, well, annoying roommates with early alarms are annoying.”

“Ah.” Cas shifted into a different pose, placing both feet flat on the grass and raising his arms above his head. “And here I thought I’d finally convinced you to try yoga with me.”

“Cassie, the day I willingly twist myself into a pretzel while both clothed and sober is the day I forgive you for making me sit through three hours of that god-awful Titanic movie.”

“You’re just mad because you hate Celine Dion.”

“It’s not her I hate, it’s that bloody song! And furthermore,” Balthazar added, pointedly ignoring Cas’s snicker, “our dear Rose’s heart wouldn’t have had to go on if she’d just done a better job of making room for Jack on that piece of fucking debris.”

“It was a door.”

“It was a travesty, is what it was, and I’ll thank you to quit bringing it up. Now then,” he said, jerking his thumb in the direction of the quad, “I’m going for a latte. Care to join me? Or have you still got to do your downward doggy-style or what have you?”

Cas rolled his eyes and reached for his sandals. “It’s downward dog, and no, I’m done.”

“Brilliant, you’re buying.”

They headed toward the quad, Cas talking animatedly about some new Save the Bees project he and a few others in the Environmental Club were hoping to kick off soon. Balthazar, who was busy trying to decide if he wanted a muffin or a scone with his latte, was only half listening, a decision he regretted when he heard Cas say, with a hint of smugness, “I knew I could count on you,” and, after a quick mental replay, realized that he’d just agreed to attend an all-day event that coming weekend. Fuck. He opened his mouth to give an excuse when a commotion ahead caught his attention.

A small crowd had gathered at the edge of the quad; as Balthazar and Cas neared, Balthazar saw that at its center was a middle-aged brunette woman dressed in formal clothing who was speaking into a megaphone:

“…TIME HAS COME TO RENOUNCE YOUR SINFUL LIFESTYLE AND REMEMBER THAT ONLY THROUGH GOD’S GRACE CAN YOU ENTER THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS US THAT MAN SHALL NOT LIE WITH MEN AS HE DOES WITH WOMEN, THAT IT IS AN AB—”

“—SOLUTELY DELIGHTFUL WAY TO SPEND A FRIDAY NIGHT!” interjected Balthazar, causing the woman to pause and several heads to turn in their direction.

The woman lowered her megaphone. She looked from Balthazar to Cas and back again. “I am here to spread the Lord’s teachings to you and others like you, those who have been led astray by immoral temptations of the flesh. You should thank me.”

Balthazar let out a bitter laugh. “Thank you? What on earth for?”

The woman frowned. “I told you, I’m here to spread the Lord’s teachings—”

Balthazar cut her off. “You did, twice. Good for you.” He crossed his arms. “But, you see, we’re a litter-free campus, so it’d be lovely if you took your rubbish elsewhere.”

Several of the surrounding students cheered. The woman glanced around, seemingly unsure. “I have a permit. I’m allowed to be here.”

“We’re students,” said Cas. “We pay money to be here.” Even more people cheered. “And incidentally, the line you’re referring to, Leviticus 18:22, condemns pedophilia, not homosexuality.”

Balthazar turned to Cas. “What, really?”

“Yes. The original wording translates to ‘man shall not lie with young boys’.” Cas regarded the woman coolly. “Also, since you claim to concern yourself with the word of God, I’d check the tag on that suit. Leviticus 19:19 prohibits wearing garments that mix linen and wool.”

The woman pressed her lips together in a thin line. “I will not be lectured on my faith by a young man who has clearly lost his way.”

“I’m not lecturing you,” responded Cas. “I’m simply telling you what the Bible says.”

“You mock me.”

“You do that to yourself.”

The woman scowled, eyes boring into Cas. “There are places that can help you, programs that can teach you to make more Godly choices.”

“You’re referring to so-called conversion therapy,” said Cas, and though he was still speaking calmly, there was an edge to his voice that Balthazar rarely heard, “a practice that has been discredited by every leading expert on human sexuality for over two decades.”

“Despite what you think, it can be effective if you’re willing, if you want to be fixed—”

“We’re not broken,” said Cas. “Your beliefs are.”

“Now wait just a minute—”

“Oh, piss off!” snapped Balthazar. Cas might have had the patience to deal with this sort of thing uncaffeinated, but he most certainly did not. “Aren’t there more important things you could spend your energy bitching about? Take bees, for example: they’re dropping dead at an alarming rate, which could have frankly catastrophic effects on our food supply, but no, you’re right, let’s get all dressed up and tell gay people they’re going to hell because they have the audacity to be themselves, that’s clearly the bigger priority.”

Cas gave him a surprised smile. “You were listening about the bees.”

“Of course I was listening, I’m a wonderful friend like that. Speaking of,” said Balthazar, turning to Cas with a raised eyebrow, “fancy a friendly snog to piss off this hag?”

Cas thought a moment, then shrugged. “Why not?”

“That’s the spirit,” said Balthazar bracingly, grabbing a fistful of Cas’s shirt and pulling him in for a kiss.

There was no real heat to it—at the end of the day, Balthazar knew Cas was about as romantically interested in him as he was in Cas; that is to say, not at all—but in for a penny, in for a pound. Balthazar closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Cas’s shoulders, letting out an exaggerated moan; he could feel Cas practically shaking with suppressed laughter and gave him a very subtle pinch. Cas let out a muffled snort before gasping, “Oh, Balthazar!” in mock passion and pressing their lips more firmly together; he even groaned a bit, which at which point it was Balthazar’s turn to bite back a chuckle.

Thankfully, their tactic worked: the students around them erupted into applause, and scarcely five seconds had passed before the woman let out an affronted huff and stormed off. Once the sound of her heels had sufficiently faded, Balthazar cracked an eye open and, with the visual confirmation that she was gone, gave Cas a tap on the shoulder, stepping back with a grin. “Well, that went swimmingly, wouldn’t you say?”

Cas looked off in the direction the woman had gone. “It did seem to have the desired effect, although,” he added, lips twitching in a poorly concealed smirk as he reached into his pocket and produced a tube of organic lip balm, “you probably need this more than I do.”

Balthazar rolled his eyes. “Oh, we’re giving post-snogging critiques, are we? Here, then.” He took the lip balm and, in exchange, held out a small tin of mints. “You absolutely need this more than I do.”

Cas snorted, accepting the mints and making a show of popping one into his mouth; Balthazar, for his part, applied a liberal amount of lip balm. “Right, then,” he said, smacking his lips together and pocketing the tube, “coffee?”

[verai-marcel]

Ok hear me out, oh goddess of our Arthur smut, Modern day low honor Arthur (manager of [pick a store]) and fem reader, new hire. Work romance and pure smut, because I can see Arthur being the guy at work that comes in, in the morning and says “Ladies” and ALL THE WOMEN AT WORK SIMULTANEOUSLY SING “heyyyyyyy Arthurrrrr” back. XD

Business Time at the Bistro (Arthur x Fem!Reader, Modern AU, 18+)

Summary: You’re the new hire at a trendy bistro near your house; you were tired of commuting to the big city, and decided that less stress and a 10 minute walk to work was worth the pay cut. Your boss, Arthur, seems like a nice enough guy, but when he starts to handle your training personally? You start to feel things you shouldn’t feel for someone you work for. How will you deal with your budding emotions?

Author’s Notes: My title is a Flight of the Conchords reference. If you haven’t heard their song “Business Time”, go look it up. I know it’s not quite the mood I’m going for in the fic, but it made me laugh when I thought of it, so I just went with it. Anon, this is for your cute request.

Tags: low honor Arthur Morgan, smut, office sex, doggy style, dirty talk, slice of life

AO3 Link is here, you coffee snobs.

——————–

You walked into the bistro and fell in love at first sight.

There was soft folk music wafting through the air as you took in the scent of freshly ground coffee. A tray of scones and muffins, baked in house, looked appetizing behind the clean glass case, and the decor was cozy with a hint of modernity, resisting the urge to be hipster, and yet felt trendy as fuck.

“I want to work here,” you mumbled to yourself.

“Well, we’re in need of some help,” said a deep voice behind you.

You spun around and looked straight into a broad chest. Lifting your head up, you saw the owner of the voice, and presumably, the owner of the bistro.

He was a tall man with eyes the color of a lake and sandy brown hair, long enough to bury your hands in. His beard was close cut, uniform style, and accentuated his lips that you may have stared at for a second too long.

After a few moments of awkward silence, he tilted his head. “Sorry ma’am, did I mishear ya?”

You shook your head. “No, no, you heard me correctly. I’d love to work here.”

He walked up to you and held out his hand. “Arthur Morgan. I own this place. If you want work, let’s talk.”

His hand was calloused and warm, and held yours firmly but not aggressively. When he smiled, your heart skipped a beat.

***

An hour later, you had the paperwork to start a new job as a barista manager. You had prior experience with shift schedules and managing employees, and even though you didn’t have your resume on hand, you quickly pulled up your LinkedIn profile and gone over your work history. Your quick thinking and straight forward attitude had apparently won you points. 

Arthur, owner of Buell’s Bistro, said the original owner, a veteran named Hamish, had left it to him before retiring to Colorado. He said he didn’t know too much about being a business owner, but he seemed to be doing just fine, given the amount of customers you saw as you left.

Now all you had to do was give your two weeks notice to your current job, and you could finally make yourself happy.

***

You could not wait to start your first day at the bistro. The past two weeks had been a hell of a slog, trying to stay present and aware while you dreamed of an idyllic future. You were looking forward to walking to work and not having to drive an hour into the city every day. The corporate hell you escaped had made you strong, focused, and a nervous wreck at the end of each week. You were glad to be done with that career and moving on to something calmer.

Walking towards the employee’s entrance at the back, you saw Arthur get out of a dark green pick-up truck, sipping a coffee from a travel mug and checking his phone. You decided to wait for him, and waved as he walked up to you. He had told you to dress business casual, so you had on a black polo and a pair of khakis, but looking at him, you felt a little under-dressed. He was wearing a blue button-up, sleeves rolled up, with black slacks and brown Oxford shoes. 

You blinked and quickly looked away, hoping he hadn’t noticed you gawking at him. Last time you had seen him, he was in a bright Hawaiian shirt and jeans, looking very casual. You had thought he looked kind of cute at the time.

But right now? He looked hot as fuck.

“There ya are,” he said with a warm smile as he opened the door for you. “C’mon, I’ll introduce you to the gang.”

***

“Ladies.”

“Heeeeyyyyyy Arthur!”

Three women—well, they seemed more like girls to you— chirped back to him in unison. It was a little eerie how incredibly rehearsed that seemed.

Arthur gestured to each woman in turn. “This here is Karen and Mary-Beth. They’re front staff. Tilly here runs things in the back, since she’s got a good head for numbers, and she bakes too, but we all do whatever’s needed to keep this place runnin’.”

Each of them smiled and nodded at you; they all seemed friendly. You introduced yourself, while Arthur told them about your business background.

“Wow, Tilly’s in school for business!” Mary-Beth said afterwards. “I’m just getting a degree in creative writing. Not sure how much good that’ll do me, but one day I hope I write somethin’ great!”

You appreciated her optimism and positive attitude. And her Southern accent was charming.

“Write an amazin’ play, so I can be in it,” Karen said with a smirk. Then she looked over at you. “I’m a theater major, so there’ll be some times when I won’t be able to come into work.”

You nodded. “So when it’s finals week, do you all have reduced hours?”

“Yeah, Arthur just takes over,” Tilly said.

You turned to him and raised an eyebrow.

“I can make coffee,” he grumbled, and the other girls tittered. 

“The guests know it’s finals week when there are no scones,” Tilly said.

You made a mental note to get her recipes so you could keep the scones coming when she was out. 

“Alright everyone, I’m gonna train our new lady, so y’all get back to it.”

“Yes, Arthur!” they all sang. It still seemed odd to you that they did it in unison.

“Are they always in sync like that?” you asked him after they had all gone off to the kitchen to prep for the morning.

Arthur nodded. “Yeah, they’ve all been friends since they started college.”

“Oh.” It suddenly occurred to you that you were probably about 10 years older than the girls. Your back twinged, reminding you of your age.

“Now, let’s get started,” Arthur said, distracting you from thoughts. “You know how to make an espresso?”

***

You thought you knew how to make an espresso. But clearly you had to learn his way to making one, which was slow and deliberate. His unhurried method chafed your quick and efficient sensibilities.

However, the result was a smooth, rich, delicious drink, and you couldn’t fault him for that. You figured you’d have to learn some patience.

When Karen and Mary-Beth came back to open up the doors, you helped in any way you could, basically shadowing them for the rest of the morning. When they both headed off to class, Tilly came out to help you for another hour, and when she left for her classes, Arthur came out to help you. 

“How’s it been so far?” he asked when the cafe emptied out and the two of you were cleaning up. You silently hoped that no one would come in during the next thirty minutes before the cafe closed.

“Pretty good! Learning a lot. I haven’t done front of house stuff in so long,” you replied with a laugh.

Arthur chuckled. “You got a natural warmth to ya. I’m sure you’ll be alright.”

You smiled shyly and laughed, a little nervous at how your heart was skipping beats.

He said your name and it sounded like buttered rum, smooth, warm, and sweet. Your throat went a little dry as he leaned towards you.

The jingle of the door opening distracted both of you.

“Hi, welcome!” you said, switching to customer service mode with a warm smile and friendly tone. Arthur was right, it did come naturally to you, to please people, to help make people happy.

You didn’t see Arthur scowl slightly before continuing to clean the counters.

You did, however, notice when he charged the customer just a little extra without him knowing. You didn’t say anything until after the young man had left, just as closing time hit. Arthur went to the door and locked it, turning the sign around to say “Closed.”

“You charged him incorrectly,” you said. 

“Oh. Whoops,” he said, unconvincingly. 

“Arthur!“ 

"He didn’t notice. Besides, he pissed me off.”

“By doing what?" 

Arthur was silent, opting to shrug nonchalantly as he closed the curtains and started cleaning up. You got the feeling that you wouldn’t get an answer out of him, so you just sighed and cleaned up as well. Once everything was put away and clean for the next morning, Arthur locked up and walked you to your car like a gentleman, looking around for anything or anyone that might cause trouble. 

As you reached for your car door, Arthur put his hand on your arm, his fingers caressing your skin, sending a delicious heat through you. 

"You did real good today. Lookin’ forward to workin’ with ya.”

You smiled. “Me too. Just don’t overcharge all your customers,” you said, half-jokingly, taking the sting out of your comment. 

“Only the ones that annoy me.” A half-grin appeared on his face. 

“What did he do?" 

"Talked to you fer too long,” he said, his voice dipping low.

You couldn’t tell if he was joking as he said good night and went to his car. 

***

Somehow, three months went by in the blink of an eye. You learned about the cafe’s customers, got feedback, and started implementing some minor changes that made a difference in how efficiently the place was run. There was less waste and more time to spend on marketing, which brought in more customers. You felt like you were really making a difference; it was infinitely more satisfying than working for a giant corporation. 

In those three months, you had gotten to know your coworkers and boss. The girls really were 10 years younger than you, though sometimes it didn’t feel that way. They were all mature and wonderful to talk to. By now, the four of you had gotten close enough to have a text chat group, and Tilly would occasionally ask you for help with her business class assignments. 

You still refused to chirp along with the girls when they greeted Arthur in the morning, though. Seemed like it was straight out of a sitcom, and you felt embarrassed whenever you thought about doing it. 

And Arthur. Getting to know him had been a bit tough at first. For all of his friendly smiles, he dodged personal questions very well, distracting you with questions if his own, or just vaguely answering you. It seemed he didn’t want to talk about his past, so eventually you let it go. 

When you talked to the other girls about his aversion to speaking about his history, they absolutely confirmed it. 

“Yeah, he doesn’t like to bring it up.”

“Shuts up completely if you push him.”

“Whatever happened in his past, he sure as hell ain’t gonna talk about it.”

Recently though, the girls’ favorite topic was you. Specifically, their observations of Arthur in regards to you. 

On a foggy morning, before Arthur arrived, the four of you huddled around the kitchen oven, waiting for Tilly’s mushroom and kale scones to finish baking. 

“I’m tellin’ you, he’s into you.”

“Nope, not going there,” you said as you went over the inventory sheet on your clipboard. “He’s just a nice guy. He does the same for all of you.”

“There’s a difference when it’s you,” Mary-Beth insisted. “His tone is softer, and he stands closer to you.”

“And he brings you lunch sometimes. He doesn’t do that for any of us,” Tilly casually mentioned. 

“You girls usually aren’t here for lunch!” you responded, a little exasperated. 

They all laughed and kept pointing out little things that Arthur did for you and you alone, as you kept denying that it was anything more than just a simple kindness. 

But just a little bit, they got into your head. 

Right at 6AM, as per usual, the door opened. 

“Mornin’ ladies.”

“Heeeeeeyy Arthur!” the girls greeted. 

“Good morning!” you replied separately. 

Arthur’s eyes met yours with a warmth that filled you from head to toe, and gave you a smile that made your heart stutter. He said your name in greeting, his voice low and soft like velvet caressing your skin. 

Then the moment was gone as he went to his office and shut the door. 

The girls looked at you, a knowing smile on their faces. 

“See? He’s definitely into you.”

This time, you couldn’t even deny it. 

***

Another month had passed since you finally thought that maybe, just maybe, Arthur might potentially have some slight interest in you. 

For fuck’s sake, who the hell were you kidding? 

This past month had been sheer torture, as each time the two of you were alone, he’d sidle up to you and ask how you were doing and encourage you to talk to him. He’d brush a hand against yours, or lightly touch your shoulder, or if he was feeling bold that day, he’d say “c’mon, bring it in,” and open his arms for a hug before leaving for the day. 

Of course, you hugged him back. Arthur hugs were big bear hugs, his arms wrapping securely around you as he squeezed you close. They were the best. 

And you were pretty sure he knew you weren’t going to say no to any physical contact. You slowly became addicted to his touch, nearly jumping into his arms whenever he opened them. He didn’t touch you so openly when the other girls were around, but he stood close by so you could feel the heat coming off in waves from his body. 

Every day, you told yourself you’d stop inviting his touch. And every day, you let him get closer and closer to you. Like a spider weaving his web, wrapping his threads of warmth and desire around you, he’d give you little smiles and tease you gently throughout the day, making you feel like a schoolgirl with a crush on the new teacher. It didn’t help that you had a bit of a thing for a man in a position of power over you who happened to be kind and paying you a lot of attention, for that was exactly what Arthur was doing.

You had a feeling your boss kink was going to be the end of your career. But at the end of every day, when you said good night and saw the heat simmering in his eyes as you left, you wondered if it’d be worth it.

***

“Does Arthur hug you girls when you leave for the day?”

Tilly, Karen, and Mary-Beth all gave you varying looks of disbelief.

“No, he never gets that close to us. He even apologies if he accidentally brushes my arm as he’s walking past,” Mary-Beth said. Tilly & Karen just nodded when you looked at them for confirmation.

“Arthur’s got a crush on you,” Karen teased in a sing-song tone as she waggled her eyebrows. “He’s never been very touchy-feely with any of us.”

“That’s because he sees us as his little sisters,” Tilly said, matter-of-factly.

“How do you know?” Mary-Beth raised an eyebrow at her.

“He told me, one night when we were closing the cafe, during that first year.” Tilly measured some flour for the scones and gently added it to the mixer. “He said he was grateful we all were here to help when he inherited the place. Hamish told us we didn’t have to stay, but Arthur was so lost, we couldn’t leave him. Said we were like his family.”

“Awww!” you exclaimed, warmed by the thought of Arthur saying something so sweet.

“So, you thinkin’ about accepting his advances?” Karen asked all of a sudden.

The change in topic was like whiplash in your head. You had to blink a few times before what she said finally sank in. It took a few extra moments to come up with an answer.

“That doesn’t seem very professional—”

The door opened. 6AM, on the dot.

“Ladies.”

“Heeeeey Arthur!”

You sighed quietly to yourself before plastering on your game face and got ready for the rest of the day.

***

That night, as you swept the floor, you were lost in thought. What Karen had said, about accepting Arthur’s advances; weren’t you basically doing that?

You were thinking so hard that you didn’t notice that Arthur had closed all the blinds and come up to you while you were sweeping the corner of the room. You looked up just as he put a hand on the wall in front of you, stopping your progress and literally cornering you. 

“Penny for yer thoughts?" 

You felt heat suffuse your cheeks as you saw how close he was, forcing you to look up at him. He leaned down a little, his eyes flickering to your lips as they parted, your small intake of breath more telling than anything you could have said.

“Just spacing out, that’s all.”

A bit of worry crept into his expression. “You feelin’ alright? Have I been workin’ ya too hard?”

“No, no, I’m fine.”

He smiled. “That you are, sweetheart.” He slowly reached out to hold your hands in his, gently took the broom from your hands and set it aside. Then he took another step closer to you. Leaning in, he caressed your cheek with the back of his knuckles. “Real fine.”

“Ar-Arthur, we can’t.”

“Why not?” He shifted nearer.

“Because I work for you!”

“I wouldn’t force ya. If you’re not attracted to me, then say so and I’ll back off. No consequences, I promise.” He said the last part with a sincerity that you believed. Then he leaned in to graze your earlobe with his lips. “But I think you are.”

You let out a small whimper of need from his touch. He softly cradled your face in one hand as he reached around to splay his other hand on the small of your back, pulling you closer until you were flush with his warm body.

“Last chance, sweetheart.”

You were silent, staring into his eyes, your body melting against his.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he whispered against your lips before he kissed you. You could feel him pour all of the desire he had been holding back into his kiss, his tongue invading your mouth as he held the back of your neck and wrapped his other arm tighter around you. 

You wrapped your arms around him in return, grabbing at his shirt and pulling him closer to you, desperate for more of his touch. He pinned you to the wall, pressing his entire body against yours as he stole your breath, took your moans as his hands reached down and stroked your curves, brushing close but not quite touching your breasts. His hands traveled to your hips, and he squeezed with his fingers.

“I want more.” He pulled back. “I want you in my office.”

He had the look of a starving man, and you were his first meal in days. He wanted to take you, consume you, devour you.

You nodded.

Smiling, Arthur took your hand and led you to his office.

***

“Always wanted to do this,” he murmured as he lifted you up onto his desk, his hands sliding your skirt up your thighs. His fingers made their way to your panties, where he rubbed you slowly, feeling the damp fabric and smirking. “Feels like you want this too.”

You nodded, unable to verbally admit that this had been a fantasy of yours lately, a fantasy that you may have jilled off to on several occasions. 

His fingers pulled your panties aside as he touched you intimately for the first time. You let out a sigh of pure ecstasy as he caressed your core.

“That’s it, sweetheart. Just enjoy it.”

Then he kissed you once more, stealing your breath as he coaxed your tongue to play with his, the two of you making out with a frenzied passion you hadn’t felt in a long time. His other hand wrapped around the back of your neck and held you still as he kept fingering you, driving you higher and higher.

“Take yer shirt off,” he commanded. “I want to see all of you.”

You quickly unbuttoned your blouse and tossed it aside. Reaching behind you, you unclasped your bra and flung it away as well. Arthur pulled back to admire your body, a look of admiration on his face.

“Beautiful,” he breathed before he went straight for your breasts, grabbing one of them and teasing the nipple while he took the other into his mouth, sucking and licking you. All the while, he was still stroking your core, building your pleasure up more and more.

The increased sensation to your body was enough to drag you to the brink. You held onto his hair with one hand, grabbing his wrist with the other and pushing his fingers harder against your clit as he stood up straight to tower over you.

“Come for me,” he ordered.

You broke apart, burying your face into his shirt as you moaned wantonly, your legs shaking as he pressed his fingers heavily against your center, rubbing in circles.

“That’s it, good girl,” he crooned.

Catching your breath, you watched him grin and pull back long enough to unbutton his fly. Pulling out his manhood, he stepped back to you, touching the inside of your thighs. You spread your legs and smiled up at him.

“Guide me in.”

You reached out and grasped the velvet steel of his cock, stroking it twice so you could watch him let out a soft moan before you pulled him into your waiting entrance. He leaned forward, his hand cradling your cheek as he pushed himself inside of you, never breaking eye contact as you felt him stretch you.

“Oh my god, this feels so good,” you whimpered.

“Sure does,” he said in a hushed tone. “Better than my fantasies.”

When he finally hilted inside you, he leaned in and kissed you. Then he pulled out and slammed back into you, making you cry out in surprise.

And that set the tone for his passionate fucking, gripping your hips so he wouldn’t smash the desk as he took you with his powerful thrusts. He groaned against your neck when you grabbed at his clothed back as you succumbed to his unrelenting pace.

“I want you bent over my desk.”

He pulled out and manhandled you until you were bent over his desk, your ass in the air.

“Perfect,” he growled as he slid back inside of you and rammed into you again and again. “Yer so hot like this.”

Then he leaned over you, and said lowly in your ear. “You like it when your boss fucks you?”

Oh shit. He knew your kink. You moaned uncontrollably and nodded, feeling your pussy clench around his cock. He smirked, knowing how you had reacted to his words.

“Say it.”

“I like it when my boss fucks me.”

“Call me Mr. Morgan.”

“Yes, Mr. Morgan.”

“Good,” he purred, and reached down to stroke your core. “My best employee deserves a reward, don’tcha?”

“Yes, please!”

“Beg for a reward, sweetheart,”

“Please, Mr. Morgan, please give me a reward!”

He stood up and slowed his pace, but the intensity of his thrusts remained, the sound of his hips against your ass echoing in the small office.

“I’ll give you what you want.” He grabbed your hair and pulled. “I know exactly what you need.”

You felt his hand grab your shoulder as he suddenly fucked you hard and fast. The only warning you had was when his grip tightened on you before he let out a harsh moan and a string of expletives as he emptied himself inside of you, pushing his cock as deep as he could go, huffing as he finished.

“Fuck, that was… that was amazin’.” He picked you up and sat back in his chair, you on his lap, his cock still inside of you. He idly caressed your breasts as you both caught your breaths. When he finally slipped out from you, he laughed.

“Guess we should clean up,” he mumbled. You leaned your head back against his shoulder and nodded.

“Sweetheart?”

“Yes, Arthur?”

“You alright?”

You smiled. “Yeah, I’m alright. Better than alright.” You turned your head and kissed him on his stubbled cheek. “I’m glad I took this job.”

He chuckled, nuzzling you. “So am I.”

——————–

End Notes: This… got way longer than I intended. Oh well! Hope you enjoyed the ride!

[elopez7228]

Scenic Route 14/47

Read on AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/18268208/chapters/43229774  

Start over : https://elopez7228.tumblr.com/post/620919089893933056/scenic-route-0147

***

After giving BB8 more to drink in the parking lot, Rey met up with Ben to watch 4th of July fireworks with the band. There would definitely be a show in central town and Rey would rather sit with the party crowd than sip her beer all alone.

She headed towards the ski lifts, very much hoping that they could transport her and BB to the very top of the mountain.

Alas, they had a strict policy against dogs.  She found herself relegated to the valley below. She was wearing her trainers and her backpack, the latter of which contained her hotel purchases: a water, a muffin, a banana, and a packet of beef jerky.

She looked around to make sure the blonde woman was nowhere to be found. Did she stop following or was she just getting better at being discrete?

She scratched BB’s head pensively, even as worry coiled in her stomach. And so she was fretting again—when she could be taking advantage of the day in front of her. After a quick google search, she decided to take a trek in the surrounding area. A walk could really do her some good.

The vast landscape looked nothing like the English countryside. Instead, mountain plants grew underfoot: traup flowers, pines, sage, heather, lichens and thorn bush. The air was buzzing with the sound of insects. Rey unclipped BB’s leash so the dog make her ascent freely.

Suddenly, she felt alone in her chagrin. It would have been nice to share the sights and sounds, the serenity of the moment with someone else. Where was Finn? What was he up to in that instant—after having ruined all her plans? She felt like she had spent an entire lifetime in London. One that blurred into the distance with her departure. She still thought about him every day, but doing so had become far less painful, less consuming. Her memories were instead soft and hazy, like she was looking back at him through a pair of rose-colored glasses. They had separated only two weeks ago and yet she found she did not miss him as much as she thought she would.

She felt utterly liberated, free to make her own choices and follow her own desires. She had been in a relationship for so long that she had forgotten what it felt like not to be beholden to someone else. To make decisions alone and selfishly, without having to compromise for anyone. And sure, having someone in her life had been reassuring—but it had also been stifling.

And besides, he had never really liked hiking, Finn was the kind of man who stayed within city limits. Their time together had consisted of television marathons, sushi takeaway, cinema outings, and concerts. Sometimes Finn would play football with his closest friends, especially Poe. Bloody hell—she should have seen Poe coming!

No, it was obvious now that Finn would never truly appreciate the value of a moment of peace and solitude in the mountains. She would rather share this moment with...

Ben.

Wait. That was ridiculous. They had only really known each other for a couple of days. Never mind that she had made a terrible first impression on him, and that was putting it nicely.

Why then did her mind imagine him there, alone at the top of the world with her? He always emanated a sort of melancholy. Why was his gaze so sad? Rey wondered how much of his cocky rockstar was just for show. Was music really his bread and butter? There was no way he could afford to drive a massive pickup like that after only three self-released CDs. So where did the money come from? Where did he—and his knights—really work?

It was useless to occupy her thoughts needlessly; she would have the chance to ask them about it tonight. If she played her cards right and asked discretely, that is.

Sitting on the river bank, she ate her last-minute picnic, turning to throw a few pieces of beef jerky in BB8’s direction.

BB8?

Where was that girl?

Rey got to her feet and places her hands around her mouth to amplify her voice.

“Bee Bee!”

Well, this was probably why they had put up that “dogs must remain on leash at all times” sign at the trail entrance. They were probably trying to save the squirrels from puppy wrath.

Chipmunks, whispered the voice in her head. Rey seethed mentally. Now was not the time to squabble over vocabulary!

The rustling of leaves a little further up the path got her attention. She recalled that BB8 liked to dig hiding places for her sticks. As Rey approached, a little striped rodent launched belly-down through the forest, zigzagging around rocks and roots as it flew into a thorny bush and found purchase on low hanging branches. BB8, previously disinterested, jumped up to chase the animal with a surprising amount of vigor. Before Rey could grab her, the dog disappeared into the bushes, like a greyhound chasing a lure.

Rey sighed a few choice words. Deciding not to waste time, she shoved the leash into her pocket and went in search of her dog.

And that’s how she found herself in a bloody sumac bush that left prickling imprints on her calves that caused agony with every step. The thorn bushes here were just as unforgiving as the ones in

England.

“I swear when I get ahold of that dog again I’m going to have an absolute fit,” she grumbled in between panting breaths. Her legs were on fire but the sound of BB8’s groaning wasn’t far off. She let it guide her toward a pile of withering branches. She found the little dog perched on her hind paws, barking at the trunk of a cedar tree that she had been leaning on.

Rey slipped the leash back onto BB’s collar and tugged a little harder than she probably should have. The dog yelped in protest. Feeling guilty, Rey leaned down to pet her.

“C’mon girl, let’s go.”

She retraced her steps, finally finding the place where she had stashed her knapsack. A large silhouette appeared to be rifling through her things. It looked rather large, and it turned to grunt at her like a bull.

Rey cried out. There, in the middle of the forest, stood a decent-sized bear. It was currently in the process of emptying out her bag, having eaten half of the banana and chewed up the muffin wrapper to sugary bits.

BB8 rose up and growled, baring her teeth. “Gently, steady now...” Rey whispered, backing away slowly.

She didn’t know anything about bears. Couldn’t it kill her and climb back up into the trees? But she had to get her knapsack back—it contained her phone and her travel papers—if the bear hadn’t already crushed them under its massive paws. She contemplated confronting the bear with the business end of a...stick? No, ridiculous. She could just imagine her equally ridiculous tombstone: Here lies Rey Jakku, who thought she could defeat a bear with her bare hands. Discouraged, Rey opted for patience. Surely the bear would eventually leave.

She took care to leave as much distance between herself and the beast, not realizing when BB8’s leash suddenly slipped from her grasp.

“BB8, NO!”

But the dog ignored her, descending on the bear at full height, teeth bared and frothing at the mouth.

The bear never saw her coming, too engrossed in sniffing out the food from the  open bag. It turned around brusquely, getting up on its hind legs and letting out a roar that left Rey’s whole body shaking.  BB8 retreated a few paces,  though still maintaining a defensive stance.  She certainly made up for her minuscule size with tenacity.

A nightmare scenario flashed inside Rey’s mind: The bear would kill her dog, and then finish her off.

Here lies Rey Jakku, mauled by a bear on her honeymoon. She was a rebel until the very end.

Or even if she survived, how was she to tell the Skywalkers—wherever they were—that she had left their little doggie at the mercy of a raging bear.

Here lies Rey Jakku, strangled to death by a woman who loved her orange dog above all else.

Without second thought, she began waving her arms around to distract the bear.

“Hey! Baloo! Over here!”

With the help of a stick she found on the ground,  Rey banged on the trunk of nearby tree, still shouting at the top of her lungs. The bear turned towards her, snarling and roaring anew.

Rey felt her knees wobble.

Here lies Rey Jakku, devoured by a bear at age 26. Her life was shitty.

The bear then proceeded to swipe a massive paw at BB8, which she easily dodged. She snapped her jaws in response. Finally, the beast got onto all four paws once more and charged suddenly.

She was going to die. Without having told Finn that she forgave him. Without having told her mother she loved her. Without having the chance to slide her fingers through Ben Solo’s mesmerizing hair.

It was insanely stupid.

All of a sudden, a sharp click pierced the air, echoing off the mountain. A projectile whistled past, lodging in the trunk of the tree next to her. She didn’t immediately realize the situation. The bear stopped, jerking its head.

Rey stood paralyzed, comprehending the scene at a glance. There had been a shot fired in the woods. The animal’s ear was bleeding. The moment took forever to pass. Someone was shooting at her.

It was just too much for her, and she fell to her knees with her hands on her head. The bear, the shooter, the sound of fire, it was all too much to process.

The bear, to its credit, turned around to roar again. BB8 kept barking even as she began to run out of breath, as though she could chase the beast away with sheer perseverance. Another bullet whistled past. Rey curled up on the ground, a strangled noise escaping her. The bear growled once more and then, with agility belying its hulking frame, skittered off into the woods.

Rey hesitated, still lying in fetal position against the soil. Her entire body trembled. She looked up when she felt the warmth of BB’s tongue against her hands and face. It was then that she managed to catch her breath and clamber to her feet.

She gazed at the horizon, searching for traces of the bear, or the shooter. Everything was calm again. The birds that had scattered with the opening shot had once again returned to their branches.

Losing her adrenaline and her ability to stand, Rey crouched on the ground once more, eventually falling onto her back. Tears of relief flowed down her cheeks. She wiped them away with the back of her trembling hand. She reached out and hugged BB8 tightly against her chest.

“Bravo, girl. Good dog—what a good dog, you’re not afraid of anything, are you?”

A voice inside her head whispered that it was ride or die with this dog. And the invisible shooter? Rey owed whoever that was a massive debt of gratitude.

Once the pounding of her heart had died down, she shouldered the remnants of her   bag and took out her Swiss knife. She used the blade to carefully carve out the bullet lodged in the trunk of the fir. The projectile was buried so deeply in the wood that she had trouble dislodging it.  When she finally managed to retrieve the gnarled piece of metal, she was overtaken by a violent burst of emotion. Someone had literally saved her life. She would have  here, thousands of miles from home— and yet she was alive and unscathed. She held the bullet in her fist before slipping it into her pocket. And then she began the lone journey back up the trail.

Fifty feet away, Syed stood on a rocky outcrop overlooking the valley. She put away her gun, still warm to touch. His orders echoed through her mind.

Follow the girl wherever she goes. If anything happens to her, I’ll hold you personally responsible.

She hadn’t thought it would be so complicated. This Rey had a supernatural ability it seemed, she was a magnet for all kinds of trouble. Keeping her in one piece was not going to be easy.

It was almost three in the afternoon by the time Rey made it back to the city, exhausted and covered in scrapes and scratches. Fortunately, her car was still there and the blonde woman was nowhere to be found. She still checked to make sure that no one had slashed her tires or broken a window or stolen so much as the air freshener. No, it seemed the Falcon was a dingy yet invincible as ever. And that was the first good news she’d had all day.

It was still too early to join Kylo and the knights in the marketplace so she decided to take a nap. She was still crashing from the adrenaline high and her limbs could barely move. Not to mention that she’d barely slept last night, tormented by the looming presence of the blonde and the abrupt absence of Leia Skywalker. She had the feeling tonight was going to be an equally long night. Time to recuperate while she could.

She moved the car under the shade of a few trees at the very edge of the hotel parking, rolled down the windows, and let BB8 inside before blowing up her air mattress in the trunk. Just like last night. It was warm outside on that sunny summer afternoon, but a fresh breeze brushed against her skin through the open windows. And so she let go. But she wasn’t able to find sleep just yet. Something tugged at her mind, deep in her subconscious.

She had almost died today. Death had flashed before her eyes, and she’d thought it was over. And in those final, terrifying moments, she had thought about three people.

Finn.

Her mother.

And Ben Solo.

[eldritchsurveys]

806.

1. Humpty Dumpty: Have you ever felt so broken that you didn’t feel like you could be put back together again? >> Absolutely. And oddly enough, I’m still here, and probably not quite as broken as I imagined myself to be. Brains aren’t nearly as good at predicting the future as they think they are.

2. Jack and Jill: Have you ever tumbled/rolled down a grassy hill? >> Yes. It’s great fun.

3. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star: Do you enjoy stargazing? Has anyone ever gotten a star named for you? >> It’s not something I really go out and do, but I do love me some stars. I’ve not had the star-naming happen, though.

4. Little Bo Peep: Have you ever thought you lost something that was actually right in front of you the whole time? >> Yeah, that tends to happen when I get used to putting something in a certain place and then I unthinkingly put it somewhere else one day and fuck myself up.

5. Itsy Bitsy Spider: What do you typically do on a rainy day? >> Nothing different, usually. If it rains in the morning it might change whether I go out for a walk or not, but otherwise my daily activities remain the same.

6. Baa Baa Black Sheep: Do you own any clothing made out of wool? >> I don’t think so.

7. Ring Around the Rosie: Did you know that this childhood song/nursery rhyme is actually about The Black Death? >> I’ve heard that.

8. Five Little Ducks: Have you ever gotten lost before? >> Yeah.

9. I’m a Little Teapot: What is your favorite flavor/type of tea to drink? >> I like herbal teas, particularly ginger and mint. I also like vanilla chai and the occasional fruit variety.

10. Hokey Pokey: How were you taught to understand the difference between your left and right sides? >> I don’t remember how I was taught this.

11. Old MacDonald Had a Farm: What is your favorite farm animal? >> Sheep and goats are adorable. But so are cows, especially those fluffy ones... Regardless of their cuteness, though, I couldn’t be around any farm animal for long because the smell would slowly kill me.

12. Make up your own lyric for “Down By The Bay”. >> Ha, I used to sing this song to myself repeatedly for like hours when I was a kid. I’d rather not make up my own lyric for it now, though.

13. Little Miss Muffet: Would you be terrified if a spider sat down beside you? >> Nah. I am also a spider. I like visiting with my kin.

14. Rockabye Baby: Do you feel that this is a more calming or terrifying lullaby for children? >> I just think it’s funny, because like... yeah. Why the fuck is the baby in the tree, lmao. Nursery rhymes are wild.

15. Hickory Dickory Dock: What are you usually doing when the clock strikes 1? >> AM or PM? If PM, I’m probably gaming or something. If AM, I’m asleep.

16. Pat-a-Cake: What’s your favorite thing to bake/baked good to eat? >> I don’t bake, and I have no idea what my favourite baked good would be... a good bread, I guess??

17. Why do we stomp our feet if we’re “Happy and We Know It”? Shouldn’t we be doing this when we’re angry instead? >> Eh, I guess you could do it for almost any emotion if you put your mind to it.

18. The Wheels on the Bus: Where’s the furthest you’ve ever gone on a bus before? >> From Colorado to NYC. On two different occasions. Definitely not an experience I’d ever care to repeat.

19. Row, Row, Row Your Boat: Do you enjoy boating? (ie: cruises, kayaking, canoeing, white water rafting, etc) >> I’ve never been boating. I’ve been on ferries? Oh, and once I went to a concert on a boat. That was fun.

20. 3 Blind Mice: Do you know someone who is blind? >> No.

21. 3 Little Kittens: Do you prefer gloves or mittens when getting dressed for chilly weather? >> Gloves, if I must.

22. Jack Be Nimble: Do you enjoy lighting scented candles? >> I mean, sometimes, I guess. I burn incense most often, though.

23. Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear: Have you ever made a teddy bear or any other sort of stuffed animal at Build-a-Bear? If not, do you still have a favorite teddy bear/stuffed animal from your childhood? >> Yeah! I have a dog named Reese from there, I love him. Sparrow has an owl, a Pikachu, and a Squirtle, hah.

24. 5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed: Have you ever cracked your head open before and needed stitches? >> Nope. I’ve definitely tried to crack my head open, lmao, but I wasn’t any good at it. (Thankfully.)

25. Hey Diddle Diddle: The cat plays a fiddle. What instrument would you like to play? >> Meh. I like singing.

26. Mary Had a Little Lamb: Have you ever brought a pet to school for show and tell before? >> No. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced show-and-tell, actually. I thought it was made up for like movies and shit, lol.

27. Once I Caught a Fish Alive: If you go fishing, do you release the fish afterwards, or do you take them home and cook them? >> I don’t go fishing, but if I did, it wouldn’t be just for the sake of it. I’d prefer to eat the fish afterward.

28. Little Jack Horner: What is your favorite flavor of pie? >> Hmm... sweet potato. Also, apple.

29. Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary: Do you have a garden? What do you plant in it? >> No, we just have a fuckload of potted plants because Sparrow likes them.

30. Miss Mary Mack: Do you wear clothing with a lot of buttons? >> No.

31. Old Mother Hubbard: What is your favorite food to keep in your cupboard? >> Er, I don’t know.

32. There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe: Do you have a lot of siblings growing up? Did you enjoy it? Why or why not? >> I was raised as an only child.

33. This Little Piggy: Do you like roast beef? >> No.

34. Rain, Rain Go Away: Have you ever played outside in the rain before? >> I mean, probably.

35. It’s Raining, It’s Pouring: Do you know someone who snores very loudly? >> Not anymore. My father was notorious for this.

36. Star Light, Star Bright: Do you ever wish on stars? Has one of your wishes actually come true before? >> No.

37. Here is the Beehive: Are you allergic to bees? Do you know anyone who is? Do you enjoy eating honey? >> I don’t know, I’ve never been stung by one. I don’t remember if I know anyone who is allergic. I love eating honey.

38. If All the Raindrops Were Lemon Drops and Gumdrops: What food would you want to rain down from the sky: >> I definitely would not want food to rain down from the sky, lmao.

39. Little Boy Blue: Have you ever slept anywhere other than a bed before? Where?                       >> Yeah. Tiled floors, subway cars, subway platforms, the sidewalk, couches, parks...

40. Do You Know the Muffin Man?: What is your favorite type of muffin to eat? >> I haven’t had a muffin in ages. I’m pretty sure I just don’t care for them.

41. Wee Willie Winkie: Have you ever sleepwalked before? >> No. Lmao, can you imagine being a sleepwalker while sleeping on the streets? That’d be fucked up...

42. B-I-N-G-O: If you had a dog, what would you name it? >> I don’t know, it would depend on the dog.

43. Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?: Has your pet ever run away from home before? Did it get returned? >> That apparently happened when I was a preteen. We didn’t even have the dog for a full month before he somehow escaped.

44. How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?: What’s the most you would spend when adopting a dog? >> I don’t know, man. I’m not even sure what the going rates are.

45. This Old Man: Do you own any knick-knacks? >> I guess I have a few.

46. 1, 2, Buckle My Shoe: When did you learn to tie your own sneakers? >> I have no idea.

47. Are You Sleeping?: What time do you typically go to bed at night? >> Between 10p and 12a. [a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]  

[nostalgiaispeace]

1877.

1. Humpty Dumpty: Have you ever felt so broken that you didn’t feel like you could be put back together again? yes

2. Jack and Jill: Have you ever tumbled/rolled down a grassy hill? yes

3. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star: Do you enjoy stargazing? Has anyone ever gotten a star named for you? sure. no

4. Little Bo Peep: Have you ever thought you lost something that was actually right in front of you the whole time? sounds like me

5. Itsy Bitsy Spider: What do you typically do on a rainy day? nothing

6. Baa Baa Black Sheep: Do you own any clothing made out of wool? i don’t think so

7. Ring Around the Rosie: Did you know that this childhood song/nursery rhyme is actually about The Black Death? yeah

8. Five Little Ducks: Have you ever gotten lost before? Yeah.

9. I’m a Little Teapot: What is your favorite flavor/type of tea to drink? chamomile

10. Hokey Pokey: How were you taught to understand the difference between your left and right sides? i don’t remember

11. Old MacDonald Had a Farm: What is your favorite farm animal? cows

12. Make up your own lyric for “Down By The Bay”. no

13. Little Miss Muffet: Would you be terrified if a spider sat down beside you? naw

14. Rockabye Baby: Do you feel that this is a more calming or terrifying lullaby for children? it’s nice i guess

15. Hickory Dickory Dock: What are you usually doing when the clock strikes 1? chilling

16. Pat-a-Cake: What’s your favorite thing to bake/baked good to eat? brownies

17. Why do we stomp our feet if we’re “Happy and We Know It”? Shouldn’t we be doing this when we’re angry instead? sure

18. The Wheels on the Bus: Where’s the furthest you’ve ever gone on a bus before? i dunno

19. Row, Row, Row Your Boat: Do you enjoy boating? (ie: cruises, kayaking, canoeing, white water rafting, etc) not really

20. 3 Blind Mice: Do you know someone who is blind? no

21. 3 Little Kittens: Do you prefer gloves or mittens when getting dressed for chilly weather? gloves

22. Jack Be Nimble: Do you enjoy lighting scented candles? sure

23. Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear: Have you ever made a teddy bear or any other sort of stuffed animal at Build-a-Bear? If not, do you still have a favorite teddy bear/stuffed animal from your childhood? no, yes

24. 5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed: Have you ever cracked your head open before and needed stitches? yes

25. Hey Diddle Diddle: The cat plays a fiddle. What instrument would you like to play? piano

26. Mary Had a Little Lamb: Have you ever brought a pet to school for show and tell before? no

27. Once I Caught a Fish Alive: If you go fishing, do you release the fish afterwards, or do you take them home and cook them? -

28. Little Jack Horner: What is your favorite flavor of pie? cherry

29. Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary: Do you have a garden? What do you plant in it? nope

30. Miss Mary Mack: Do you wear clothing with a lot of buttons? no

31. Old Mother Hubbard: What is your favorite food to keep in your cupboard? pasta

32. There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe: Do you have a lot of siblings growing up? Did you enjoy it? Why or why not? no

33. This Little Piggy: Do you like roast beef? no

34. Rain, Rain Go Away: Have you ever played outside in the rain before? sure have

35. It’s Raining, It’s Pouring: Do you know someone who snores very loudly? yeah

36. Star Light, Star Bright: Do you ever wish on stars? Has one of your wishes actually come true before? no

37. Here is the Beehive: Are you allergic to bees? Do you know anyone who is? Do you enjoy eating honey? no no yes

38. If All the Raindrops Were Lemon Drops and Gumdrops: What food would you want to rain down from the sky: burgers

39. Little Boy Blue: Have you ever slept anywhere other than a bed before? Where?                       sure, the couch

40. Do You Know the Muffin Man?: What is your favorite type of muffin to eat? blueberry

41. Wee Willie Winkie: Have you ever sleepwalked before? yes

42. B-I-N-G-O: If you had a dog, what would you name it? Belle

43. Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?: Has your pet ever run away from home before? Did it get returned? no

44. How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?: What’s the most you would spend when adopting a dog? idk

45. This Old Man: Do you own any knick-knacks? sure

46. 1, 2, Buckle My Shoe: When did you learn to tie your own sneakers? when i was 5

47. Are You Sleeping?: What time do you typically go to bed at night? i don’t even knoq

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. Humpty Dumpty: Have you ever felt so broken that you didn’t feel like you could be put back together again? That’s how I’ve felt for a long time now.

2. Jack and Jill: Have you ever tumbled/rolled down a grassy hill? No.

3. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star: Do you enjoy stargazing? Has anyone ever gotten a star named for you? I don’t stargaze per se, but I’ll look up and acknowledge the stars sometimes for a moment. Aww no, no one has had a star named for me. 

4. Little Bo Peep: Have you ever thought you lost something that was actually right in front of you the whole time? Yeah.

5. Itsy Bitsy Spider: What do you typically do on a rainy day? I don’t do anything different except for acknowledge that it’s raining. I love listening to the rain.

6. Baa Baa Black Sheep: Do you own any clothing made out of wool? No.

7. Ring Around the Rosie: Did you know that this childhood song/nursery rhyme is actually about The Black Death? Yep. Children back then made nursery rhymes during plagues, people today have memes. 

8. Five Little Ducks: Have you ever gotten lost before? Yes.

9. I’m a Little Teapot: What is your favorite flavor/type of tea to drink? Peppermint, spearmint, and chamomile. 

10. Hokey Pokey: How were you taught to understand the difference between your left and right sides? Hmm. I’m not sure.

11. Old MacDonald Had a Farm: What is your favorite farm animal? Horses.

12. Make up your own lyric for “Down By The Bay”. Okay, how about: “Down by the bay, where the watermelons grow, back to my home, I dare not go, for if I do, my mother will say, did you ever see a cat playing with a bat down by the bay.”

13. Little Miss Muffet: Would you be terrified if a spider sat down beside you? UH YES. That’s happened a few times where it was near me or even worse, ON ME. lsjfkdfklsd.

14. Rockabye Baby: Do you feel that this is a more calming or terrifying lullaby for children? It sounds calming, but yeah the lyrics are disturbing. “when the bough breaks, the baby will fall, down will come baby cradle and all.” Uh....

15. Hickory Dickory Dock: What are you usually doing when the clock strikes 1? 1PM I’m still asleep. 1AM I’m probably eating ramen and watching YouTube videos.

16. Pat-a-Cake: What’s your favorite thing to bake/baked good to eat? I don’t bake, but I love brownies, cupcakes, and muffins.

17. Why do we stomp our feet if we’re “Happy and We Know It”? Shouldn’t we be doing this when we’re angry instead? True.

18. The Wheels on the Bus: Where’s the furthest you’ve ever gone on a bus before? Not far, like just 10-15 minutes.

19. Row, Row, Row Your Boat: Do you enjoy boating? (ie: cruises, kayaking, canoeing, white water rafting, etc) I don’t do any of those things.

20. 3 Blind Mice: Do you know someone who is blind? Yes.

21. 3 Little Kittens: Do you prefer gloves or mittens when getting dressed for chilly weather? Gloves. I rarely need to wear them, though. 

22. Jack Be Nimble: Do you enjoy lighting scented candles? I like the idea and aesthetic of it, but I don’t actually do it. I wish I were a candle lighting kinda gal.

23. Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear: Have you ever made a teddy bear or any other sort of stuffed animal at Build-a-Bear? If not, do you still have a favorite teddy bear/stuffed animal from your childhood? I have a lot of my stuffed animals from my childhood stored away.

24. 5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed: Have you ever cracked your head open before and needed stitches? Nooo, thankfully.

25. Hey Diddle Diddle: The cat plays a fiddle. What instrument would you like to play? Piano.

26. Mary Had a Little Lamb: Have you ever brought a pet to school for show and tell before? No.

27. Once I Caught a Fish Alive: If you go fishing, do you release the fish afterwards, or do you take them home and cook them? The only fishing I do is in Animal Crossing haha. In which case, I sometimes keep to sell or let ‘em go. 

28. Little Jack Horner: What is your favorite flavor of pie? The only kind of pie I like is cheesecake.

29. Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary: Do you have a garden? What do you plant in it? Nope. I do in Animal Crossing, though lmao. 

30. Miss Mary Mack: Do you wear clothing with a lot of buttons? I don’t like wearing stuff with buttons. Too much work.

31. Old Mother Hubbard: What is your favorite food to keep in your cupboard? Ramen.

32. There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe: Do you have a lot of siblings growing up? Did you enjoy it? Why or why not? I only have two brothers.

33. This Little Piggy: Do you like roast beef? No.

34. Rain, Rain Go Away: Have you ever played outside in the rain before? Yeah.

35. It’s Raining, It’s Pouring: Do you know someone who snores very loudly? My dad does.

36. Star Light, Star Bright: Do you ever wish on stars? Has one of your wishes actually come true before? Nope.

37. Here is the Beehive: Are you allergic to bees? Do you know anyone who is? Do you enjoy eating honey? Isn’t everyone, technically? Though some have more severe reactions. I’ve never been stung by a bee, thankfully, so I don’t know what my reaction would be like. I don’t recall the last time I had any honey, but yeah it’s good. It’s good with peanut butter on toast.

38. If All the Raindrops Were Lemon Drops and Gumdrops: What food would you want to rain down from the sky: That doesn’t sound pleasant lol.

39. Little Boy Blue: Have you ever slept anywhere other than a bed before? Where?                       The couch, floor, and the car.

40. Do You Know the Muffin Man?: What is your favorite type of muffin to eat? Banana (without the nut), blueberry, and lemon poppyseed. Also, Entenmann’s has mini muffins in party cake flavor that are really good.

41. Wee Willie Winkie: Have you ever sleepwalked before? No. I’ve never known anyone who does, but it sounds scary to witness. 

42. B-I-N-G-O: If you had a dog, what would you name it? I have a dog, her name is Princess Leia.

43. Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?: Has your pet ever run away from home before? Did it get returned? Nooo. I would be a complete mess if my dog ever ran away. One of my cousins has a dog who roams the streets and comes back randomly and she’s fine with it. I’m just like noooo way. I couldn’t allow that. My doggo is my baby!

44. How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?: What’s the most you would spend when adopting a dog? We paid about $150 to adopt our doggo.

45. This Old Man: Do you own any knick-knacks? Yeah.

46. 1, 2, Buckle My Shoe: When did you learn to tie your own sneakers? I think I was like 4. I remember going around the house tying all the shoes once I learned. 

47. Are You Sleeping?: What time do you typically go to bed at night? Like 7AMish. :X I don’t understand how that became my norm these past few months. [a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]