#'you were the last thing i had that was good' sobs

[leodette]

could u write Lando with an older woman? who maybe already has a kid, or at least with a small child is in her company? thanx <3

Hello, sure I can! The woman is around 30, and since there are no more instructions, the child that accompanies her is her nephew!

I Never Wanna See You Walk Away | LN4

fandom: Formula 1

pairing: Lando Norris x OC (not named)

names/faceclaims: -

summary: Lando takes Mila to the zoo

warning: age difference (older woman x younger man)

requested: yes / no

**********

“Mila! Mila please wait for me!” Lando yelled after his little niece who zoomed away from him on her bright pink scooter, laughing at her uncle’s attempts to catch her.

Lando had a rare moment of peace in his busy season, which allowed him to go home to Bristol for a few days, to see his parents and siblings. And because he was gone so often, hell he lived in a different country, he offered Oliver that he would take Mila in the late morning for a little ‘date’ to Bristol zoo, allowing his brother and Savannah some time with their newborn Athena.

What he didn’t count though was the energy hiding in Mila’s little body, and also the fact that she didn’t care if her ‘Uncle Lala’ was able to match his steps with her excitement.

So he was basically running after the child, trying not to gain too much attention. He was happy to not only have a break to see his family, but also not to be in public eye that much and that often.

He passed by lions and giraffes, his eyes firmly locked on Mila’s yellow jacket in desperate need to not loose her from his sight. A group of people suddenly appeared in her way, and Mila, startled, turned and ran her scooter straight into another child, both kids falling on the ground.

“Shit,” Lando sweared when he heard Mila’s high-pitched cry, running the last few paces and crouching next to her. She has laying in her stomach, the scooter next to her, partly crushed under her, the sleeves of her jacket dirty with mud, and her eyes shining with tears.

“Oh no no no, don’t cry darling, don’t,” Lando carefully lifted her, helping her to stand up and started to look for any kind of injury. In the whole mess, he completely forgot about the boy that Mila crashed into. Said young child was standing up, his hair messy and wet with a dirty water from the puddle that he fell into, the bottoms of his pants dirty. His eyes were shinning with tears, but he seemed desperately determined not to cry. Lando thought he could be around five.

“Buddy? What happened?!” a voice sounded behind them, and Lando turned to see a stunning woman with alarmed face expression. She was wearing black skinny jeans, cute boots on a small heel with a bow in the back, and a long maroon raincoat. Long haired pulled in a messy bun, and horrified look as she knelt next to the young boy, checking him in the similar way he was checking Mila.

“What happened, buddy?” she hugged him closer to her, caressing his cheek and wiping the lonely tear in his cheek. Mila though continued to cry loudly in Lando’s arms, him not being able to comfort her.

“That girl ran into m-me with her sco-scooter, those pe-people there sca-scared her,” the boy let out a few sobs, pointing first at Mila and then at the group of people that calmly walked away, clearly not aware of two crying children behind them.

“Okay, that’s okay, nothing happened,” the woman pressed a small kiss on boy’s forehead, smoothing his hair down.

“Are you okay? Does anything hurt?” she checked, and when he shook his head negative, she turned her eyes to Lando and Mila. Lando expected her started screaming at him for not being careful, but she just smiled slightly.

“And you sweetheart? Are you okay?” she asked Mila, patting her hair. The little girl was watching her warily, still sniffling the ugly tears away, but she shook her head.

“Good. That is good. C’mon, there is no need to cry, okay? Things like this happen, the most important thing is that you are not hurt,” she smiled, and to Lando’s absolute surprise Mila squirmed out of his arms and flew herself at the woman. She quickly closed her arms around the little girl, before motioning with her hand for he boy who squeezed himself next to Mila, cuddling closer to the woman that Lando still didn’t know.

“I’m sorry, I lost an eyesight of her for only a second,” he apologized and stood up, looming over the most unusual trio anyone could imagine. He earned only a smile and a shake of head.

“Nothing bad happened, right? They’re both okay, maybe little startled, but that comes with life,” she gently eased herself out of Mila’s grid, standing up as well, her hands in each of the kids heads.

“Although we can’t tell your Mum, buddy, otherwise she would have Auntie’s neck for that,” she winked at the boy who gave her a big smile back, one of his front teeth missing but not from the collision.

“Okay, so since they both are fine, I guess we should go,” she patted Mila’s hair and let her go, grabbing the boy’s hand. But Lando’s niece had nothing out of it, running it her and grabbing her hand with the determination only toddlers posses.

“No, come with,” she stomped her foot, the last reminders of a crying fit moments ago long forgotten.

The woman looked at her with wide eyes, before bashfully smiling at Lando and turning back to Mila.

“Do you want to go to take a look at the animals with us?” she asked, making Mila nod with all seriousness.

“Yef, animalf,” she pointed towards the nearby camel, and the woman chuckled.

“Well, if your Papa has nothing against it, you can come with me and Maxie here,” she motioned to the boy who smiled at Lando’s niece.

“Oh I’m not her dad, merely an uncle,” the McLaren driver quickly corrected her, feeling a blush warming his cheeks. She was gorgeous. Clearly older than him, probably closer to thirty than to twenty, but the classic elegance and kindness made his stomach tighten and his hands sweat.

“Well, there is nothing like ‘merely an uncle’. You’re basically her Dad in proxy now,” she smiled at him, before offering her hand and introducing herself.

“Oh, eee… Bob. I’m Bob, and this little spitfire here is Mila,” he motioned to the girl who was already standing at the fence together with Maxie, both of them watching the three camels inside with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry again for the incident,” he apologized again but she only waved her hand.

“As I said, nothing happened. No broken bones or knocked out teeth.”

They were quiet for a moment, watching the kids, before Max turned to his aunt.

“Auntie, can we get some snack?” he asked, his puppy eyes out in all force, making the woman roll hers before smiling gently.

“I guess we can. Want to come with us?” she asked Lando, who after a few seconds nodded. It wouldn’t hurt neither of them.

“Sure, why not. But,” he raised his finger, “I will pay.”

That earned him a chuckle from her and excited yells from the kids, and Lando offered her his elbow which she accepted before smirking.

“Well, I guess driving fast cars in circles earns some nice paycheck, right?” she added like it was nothing. But that little comment made Lando sweat, and not in a nice way. Looking at his horrified face she started laughing.

“We’re in Bristol, Mister Norris. You’re a superstar here,” she patted his arm gently.

“Don’t worry though. If you don’t say who you are, I will not. Now, off to the snack! Max wanted those strawberry pancakes they have in the bistro!” she pulled him with her like they knew each other for years, Mila and Maxie walking in front of them, the boy helping his new friend with her scooter.

And Lando? Once the shock from the realization that she knew him disappeared, he relaxed, and maybe… maybe a small hope for leaving with her number in his phone by the end of the day entered his mind.

[shroomdreams]

She Makes Me Laugh (WLW Special)

Dom!HSR Women x Girlfailure!GF

cw: oral sex, collaring, hypnosis, fingering, tit/nipple play, public sex, usage of strap-on (reader receiving), temperature play a/n: happy pride month! and also happy yuri day! here's the wlw special, i hope you all like it! it took me a while, but I finally got it done!

Kafka:

You met Kafka while she was on a mission from Elio. You were one of the key pawns in her script, so she started getting closer to you in order to ensure the completion of the plan. What Kafka didn’t expect is to start feeling... fluffy things things for you. When you would hand her a flower you picked off the street, stuttering about how you thought of her, you were unknowingly plucking at her heartstrings.

She can’t help but pity you. You, the clumsy IPC grunt getting tangled with a Stellaron Hunter. Just the slightest scent of her perfume has you wrapped around her finger, giggling and twirling your hair as she purrs your name. Sweet, silly thing, do you know just who you’re dealing with? Kafka can’t help but lament your innocent nature, but such things were not meant to last. Not when it comes to the script.

But Elio had a surprise for her. He left out a crucial detail before Kafka was briefed on the mission. When she came to you, covered in blood and viscera, she expected this to be the last of your meetings. What she was not expecting was for you to blubber about how her clothes are all ruined, and that she NEEDS to come home so you can try and scrub her outfit clean. My my, aren’t you a curious one?

Being an employee of the IPC means you had more than enough money to pamper your girlfriend with a nice, relaxing bath. Sure, your face was the color of a tomato the whole time you were scrubbing her back, but Kafka can’t help but tease you during this intimate moment. She turns to face you, exposing her soapy chest. She laughs when your hands fly up to cover your vision, then letting out a cry when the soap solution makes stings your eyes. Kafka seizes this opportunity to use her ability on you.

You were already compliant before she used her hypnosis on you, but now you eagerly stripped off your clothing to join Kafka in the bath. Your hands roam her body as you feverishly kiss her neck, Kafka letting out a giggle when you try and fail to capture her lips, whining as she presses a finger to yours. “You’ve been such a good girl for me,” Kafka says, holding you close and stroking your hair. “I should give you a reward. So sit pretty for me, alright sweetheart?”

Her dexterous fingers knead your breasts, cupping and tugging at your nipples with ease. You whine, laying your head on her shoulder as she teases your hardening nubs. The soapy water that clings to your skin makes it all the easier for Kafka to tug your nipples, rolling the buds between her index and thumb fingers. You squeal when Kafka slides one of her hands to the valley between your legs, her middle finger rubbing circles on your clit.

“K-Kafkaahhh...” She lets out a breathy laugh when you moan her name, teasing your entrance with her fingers. You whine, hands resting on her wrist as she eases a finger inside your wet cunt. “Ah! Kafkaaa-” Her middle finger moves in and out, rubbing against your walls. A sob escapes your lips when she adds another finger, adding to the intense pleasure you feel. Sure, you may have masturbated a few times, but your awkward fingers were nothing compared to Kafka’s. Speaking of which, Kafka nibbles at your ear before plunging another finger inside. Mouth hanging open, you’re powerless to stop the stream of moans and cries escaping you as Kafka’s fingers speed up, bringing you to orgasm. Your hips twitch upwards trying to chase her touch when Kafka pulls out.

“Open wide, little fly.” Kafka places her fingers in your mouth, watching as you eagerly clean your release off her digits. “You felt good, didn’t you? How about you show me some gratitude and eat me out?” She whispers. “A- Ah wan’ eat you ouff,” You whimper, still suckling on her fingers. “Mommy, wan’ taste you! Please!” Kafka raises an eyebrow, amused at how she managed to drag out this side of you.

The two of you don’t even bother to wipe yourselves dry as Kafka lays on the bed, spread out like a goddess. You hastily kiss up her legs, nipping the flesh of her thighs as your breath tickles her pretty cunt. Strings of Lightning wrap around your neck, collaring you to Kafka’s hands. “Go on then, little fly. Show mommy just how much you love her.”

You didn’t need her to tell you twice, as you start licking up her pussy, moaning as she tugs the strings leashing you to her. You eagerly push your face in, nose bumping against her clit as your tongue enters her pussy. Kafka rewards you with a low moan, her free hand playing with her chest as you eat like a starved man. Through the fog of lust and residual hypnosis in your mind, you thumb at Kafka’s clit, causing her to raise her hips into your face. Her moans grow progressively louder when you seal your lips over her clit, suckling on it while you desperately finger her cunt. Kafka throws her head back, her juices spraying all over you while you whine and lick at her cunt.

You kiss her stomach as Kafka pets you, praising you for a job well done. A week later, you quit your job by exploding your office as Kafka whisks you away, aided by Silver Wolf wiping away your records from the IPC’s database. You’re as clumsy as ever, but Kafka thinks its the most adorable thing ever, especially since you started making explosives for them to use.

Kafka secretly thanks Elio for letting the two of you meet, happy that you can stay by her side until the script eventually tears you apart.

Himeko

The fact you manged to pull a woman such as Himeko is something not even the Genius Society can comprehend. You, who trips on air and frequently knocks things off the table, having Himeko pepper kisses to your face while you blubber about whatever topic you’re interested in. Even the Astral Express jokes about the differences between you and Himeko.

In your first meeting, you spilled some coffee on Himeko’s dress. She had to pull you up from the bow you were in, her golden eyes looking into your tear-filled gaze. Eventually she managed to calm you down. Himeko couldn’t help but laugh whenever you stuttered, finding you oh so adorable.

Your consequent meetings had her observing your movements. You were trying so desperately hard not to mess up, constantly in a nervous sweat while you pointed out some interesting things in the environment. The way your eyes flicker to her when you talk about your favorite things, and how you stare up at her with such adoration when she talks about her journeys on the Express.

One day, you bring her to the opera house, dressed up all pretty in a white number that matches her dress. From the outside looking in, it looked like the two of you were getting married, and you weren’t exactly helping when you present her with a bouquet of flowers. Seeing you go through so much effort makes Himeko want to keep you all to herself! You even rented out a secluded part of the balcony just for the two of you. The opera performed below went forgotten when Himeko initiates a kiss, pulling you close into her embrace. You drown in her perfume, eyes squeezed shut as your hands awkwardly place themselves on her waist.

You had to be quick and subtle- Else you risk a shot reputation and being banned from the opera house. Taking off your gloves, you graze your hands over Himeko’s exposed leg, slipping under the slit of her dress and cupping her clothed pussy. She giggles, whispering in your ear. “Daring today, are we?” “I want... I want to make you feel good, Himeko. Can I?” Oh, you’re just too cute to handle! Where did that clumsy girl go? Either way, Himeko lifts herself off the seat just a bit, swaying her hips as she pulls down her shorts and underwear.

You wet your fingers before doing anything, licking them up and down before shyly ghosting your fingers over Himeko’s clit. She sighs, running her hand through your hair as you palm at her sex, teasing her lips and gradually building up the courage to dip a finger inside. Himeko softly moans in your ear as you wriggle your finger around, pulsing around the digit while praising you. You eventually dip another finger inside, receiving contented sigh from Himeko.

Keeping a delicate balance of speed and quiet was not an easy feat to achieve, but you managed to make it work. You bury your face in Himeko’s chest, kissing the valley between her breasts while kneading her nipple through the cloth. Himeko places a hand to her mouth in an attempt to stifle her moans. “The opera’s... mmmh~ Ending soon... Better make it quick, honey.” You heed her words, angling your fingers to the sensitive spot in her walls. Himeko leans back into her seat as she cums, squeezing your fingers as they piston in and out, fucking her through her orgasm.

When the two of you get cleaned up, Himeko rewards you by fucking you senseless with a brand new, shiny strap-on she got just for you. You babble and keen as you feel the toy reach the deepest parts of your cunt, clawing at the sheets as you push your hips up against Himeko’s. She lightly pats your ass, pushing your back in a sinful arch. The position has you cumming quick, gushing around the dildo and creating a white ring at the base. However, it wasn’t over just yet, as Himeko grabs your leg and settles it over her shoulder. You’re pretty sure the neighbors would have filled a noise complaint from how loud you were screaming from the pleasure.

Even though she couldn’t bring you with her on the Express, Himeko still makes time for you whenever they stop by. She loves her adorable, silly girlfriend so much!

Jingliu

First off: How the FUCK did you survive meeting such a dangerous woman? No seriously, just... how? You should have died by her sword the second you made contact with her, but you’re still alive? Not even Jingliu herself understands why she hasn’t killed you yet- Whenever she raises her blade to deliver a killing blow, something within her falters. Hanging around with a mara-struck is dangerous, you know? So why do you still accompany her?

Maybe it’s because you’re still quite young. You’re a few centuries younger than her, pursuing someone who reached reached her 1000s at the least. Shouldn’t you be going after people your age? And the fact you can barely fight with any weapon annoys her a lot. If you’re going to be clinging to her like some lost puppy, she should at least discipline you to hold a sword.

So that’s exactly what she does, demanding that you bring a sword before meeting with her, or not bother seeing her if you fail. Thankfully, your grandfather’s sword is still in good condition, hopefully enough to survive Jingliu’s training... Okay maybe you overestimated your sword, since it sustained damage after the first session. But you weren’t about to give up. So when you come back, you had managed to find a craftsman willing to refine your sword.

Subsequent meetings with Jingliu devolved into training sessions, where she would bring your body to its lowest point and push you to your limits. She will admit, she was a bit fascinated by your ability to bounce back from your injuries like it was nothing. Perhaps you were touched by the Abundance? The thought of the Plagues Author extending THEIR filthy touch to you makes her blood boil.

At the end of one particularly intense session, Jingliu has you pinned down with the blade of her sword pinned to your neck. Instead of the normal fear, you just looked at her with such love-filled eyes, as if she wasn’t about to slay you right then and there. Jingliu’s icy breath hits your face as she stabs her sword to the ground, as she ravenously captures your lips, shoving her tongue inside as you squeal. She tears off your clothes, revealing a canvas for her to ruin.

The feeling of a cold tongue invading your cunt was definitely something new. Jingliu keeps your thighs apart, her cool touch making you shiver from the contact. Her crimson eyes stare up at you as she nibbles on your clit, making you whine from embarrassment. Jingliu closes her eyes as she continues sucking your bud. A string of saliva connecting her mouth to her pussy is visible when she releases her hold on you. “Keep your legs apart for me, pet.”

You immediately do so, using your hands to keep yourself spread wide open for Jingliu to ravage. She pulls you upward by your hips, sitting on her legs as she licks her lips. You mewl, wiggling your hips to try further entice her. This earns you a sharp bite to your thighs. “Naughty thing. Remember your place.” That’s all she said before she dove her face in your pussy, while her hands sneaked down to play with your tits, causing you to cry out from the icy sensation. You rut against her face, which makes Jingliu groan in approval, smearing your juices all over her.

In combination with your clit being abused and your nipples being roughly tugged, you came quick, squirting all over Jingliu. Of course, it wasn’t the end of it, as she tugs off her dress. You suddenly feel yourself being horny all over again when Jingliu’s pussy kisses against yours, whining from the sensitivity. Jingliu sighs as she perfectly slots between your legs, rutting against your pussy, fluids mixing in a puddle beneath your sinful dance. She plays with her tits as you babble about how good it feels. “You’re mine, you got that?” She growls, feeling her release building. “I’ll carve myself into your body so you’ll always remember who owns you.” Jingliu moans as she cums against you, pushing down into you to the point your delirious mind hopes you’ve melded as one.

You can never go back to your boring job in the Divination Commission after that. For until you become mara-struck as well, you become Jingliu’s personal pet. Hooray?

[draeisgrayte]

"Just Friends" Full Fic | Kyojuro Rengoku x Reader

Warnings: NSFW, MDNI, 18+, smut, oral (fem receiving), fingering, kissing, heavy making out, biting, licking, nails, rough, creampie, breeding kink (discovery, love that for them), and masturbation with a toy (not specified)

Word Count: 6.5k

A/N: crouched over like a little gremlin writing this in my bed for the last 3 days. I hope it delivers what was wanted. I only finished it today thanks to K-pop and the aggressive words of my best friend. Thank you Enhypen and K <3

The apartment was usually buzzing with activity, the hardwood scuffed from countless couches pushed around on its surface. While others might think it dingy, you felt it added to the unit's story – besides if it weren’t for the scuffs you wouldn’t have gotten a killer discount. You’d kiss them every day if it meant saving you money. Though, if you were caught kissing the ground your roommates would never let you live it down. They’d probably nickname you splinter lips or something embarrassing like that. Speaking of your roommates, they’d left you alone with nothing to do. How dare they have other lives that don’t involve you. 

You sink further into the couch, a bored sigh whoshing out of you. Mitsuri had gone out drinking with her cooking class, and Uzui was…somewhere, you honestly didn’t know. Kyojuro had a late shift at the convenience store, but he’d be home soon. Friday nights had been the very opposite of most of your friends, never planning extravagant outings. You much preferred the safety of a good book that you could sob about in the comfort of your own home. It was a simple yet fulfilling life. Besides, would a club let you do all the things to be done in one’s home? Short answer, no. 

A brilliant idea sparks forth. You were bored and no one was home. You could always… “Hey YN, sorry I thought I’d be home later.” A voice calls from the entryway. You groan and flop back on the couch. Well, there goes that idea, and it was a good one. “What’ve you been up to?” Kyojuro tosses his jacket over one of the kitchen island stools as he walks toward the fridge. He’s unbuttoning his work clothes, distractedly looking over the schedule for tomorrow as he does so. You don’t mean to gawk, but it’s not like you hadn’t seen a little too much of Kyojuro being as you lived with him. 

The man had a body like those paintings of Jesus, sculpted and rock-hard. If you were a man, Kyojuro would have given you many boners. Friendly harassment of course. “I was just about to invite all my other horny friends over to have an orgy.” You mutter out, glancing away from his near-open shirt before he catches you practically fantasizing about licking the sweat off him. This fucker was too good looking and you were a simple man…with simple desires. 

Kyojuro’s gaze flips to you and that damn easy grin he always wore appears. He slips out of his shirt, hanging it over his jacket. “Mmm, well don’t stop on my account.” He teases, pulling his long blonde hair out of its updo. A little warm trickle of something akin to sexual frustration strokes its smothering claws through your system. 

What you would do to just spread open your legs and have Kyojuro eat you out this instant is borderline insane, but you would let anyone fucking touch you. It’d been too long since you’d been able to let the carnal desire take over. Kyojuro was one of your good friends, you highly doubt you’d be able to enjoy his…tongue…fuck. You swallow hard as your gaze flits endlessly around the room. Were you so horny that you would fuck your friend? Mmm, yeah probably. You smile through the pain of not having someone to cuddle with. “You’d like that wouldn’t you?” 

Kyojuro chuckles, stretching out his biceps and rolling his neck. “Oh. Seeing you get fucked senseless? For sure.” He shakes his head with a laugh but you nearly drop to your knees and beg him to let you take a picture of him shirtless for later. Christ, why does he have the body of a Greek God? His words send tendrils of hot want – need – through you. Making your pussy throb with hunger. 

Conversations with Kyojuro were always teetering on what if. You were so far in the bit that you didn’t know what was the truth anymore. He could tell you that he wanted to fuck you until easter and your response would be ‘Jesus isn’t gonna be the only thing that’s rising again’. Then you’d both laugh and continue with your day. Unless he was serious and you just agreed to be his fleshlight for 3 months…which doesn’t sound like such a bad idea… No! “I don’t know Kyo, you might be too tempted to join in.” You jab back, leaning forward on the couch, the loose tank dipping ever so slightly to tease a bit of your red bralette. You don’t miss the way his eyes dip to follow the swell of your tits. A satisfied smirk replaces your teasing grin. 

He spaces out for a beat before meeting your gaze. “Yeah…I,” His brows furrow, and adam’s apple bobs, before he turns around. “I have an early morning.” He quickly scoops up his clothes and salutes you as he walks toward the hallway of bedrooms. Your eyes narrow as you watch him. Nah, that was just what friends play around and say. You chuckle to yourself and head toward your room as well. No point in being awake if you can’t harass your friends. You pass by Mitsuri’s door, then you’re in front of home sweet home. Down just one door is Kyojuro’s room. Uzui shared a wall with the bathroom and closet, while you got two of the loudest people. Mitsuri with her music and Kyojuro… well sometimes you could hear him gaming, but there were moments when soft music was playing that you thought you could hear a little more. If you heard anyone fucking moan right now you were going to go mental. Full-blown chainsaw psycho killer, no one would be safe.  

Maybe you should’ve gone out with Uzui when he offered earlier this morning. He obviously could tell you were more pent up than a mother shopping for Christmas presents. Maybe a nice stranger would help this whole situation blow over. Then you wouldn’t be tempted to jump Kyojuro. Yeah, maybe you could message that one guy from your English class. 

You take out your phone and send him a quick text asking if he wants to hang out tomorrow. Hopefully, the vibes you were picking up on were correct and you could finally go back to being a normal human being with normal thoughts. Your phone buzzes and the words yeah, I’m free to do whatever appears on your screen. Whatever? Oh, this was going to work out perfectly. 

+    +    +

“I’m so happy you could make it.” Your words fall out with some excitement when Giyuu, the hot brooding guy from your English class walks through the front door. He observes all that he can before you take him by the hand to lead him to your room. “I figure we can game a little in here and…” You trail off, trying to sound suggestive and not too desperate. 

Giyuu raises his brows. “So you want to prolong us having sex?” He inquires, pulling you closer to him with the hand still holding his. Your brows shoot up. Damn, were you that transparent, or did he just assume that?

Either way, your plan was working out beautifully. “That depends,” You drag your finger down his chest. He was built, but nearly as much as Kyojuro. Was he home? You couldn’t remember. You hadn’t seen him all morning. “How good are you with your mouth?” Giyuu smirks and turns you around to where your back is pressed into the door. 

He licks up your jugular and plants small, sloppy kisses along your jawline. It was… something. “Does that answer your question?” He looks too pleased with himself so you don’t say anything. “You look so horny right now.” His hand is groping your breast and his other wraps around your waist. Did you? If there was a mirror across from you right now would you have lustful eyes? Glazed over from even just the thought of what was about to happen? No, you don’t think so. 

You really wanted to have some fun, but at what cost? Giyuu was hot, and kind, but just inexperienced. You could always teach him…but you weren’t ready to invest so much energy into a once-and-a-while fuck. You wanted to be fucked so hard that thinking would be impossible. 

You’re just about to say something to him when he’s back kissing you and moaning excessively. God, this guy needed some girl to teach him some things, but that girl was not you. “YN? I’m home, I brought hamburgers from that place you like so much!” Kyojuro calls from out in the kitchen. You squeak, but Giyuu either doesn’t hear Kyojuro (how?) or doesn’t care. Giyuu has managed to fumble your skirt up and play with the hem of your panties. Your pleas are muffled by his mouth still pressed against yours. His fingers slip inside your pussy and from the dull throb, you can tell there’s no moisture down there. Drier than unmoisturized lips in winter. He grunts and tries to move them around and a grumbled moan escapes your mouth as he – amazingly – swipes at your clit. “YN? Where are you?” Kyojuro asks and you can hear him walking down the hallway. 

This had to be the most dreadful event of your life. Being pressed into your bedroom door by a moaning telephone pole and one of your close friends about to hear the most ungodly whining. Giyuu releases your lips, finally, and sinks to his knees. He puts a finger to his lips and dips his head under your skirt. Your eyes nearly bulge out of your head. You grab onto Giyuu and try to pull him up. “No! Giyuu, absolutely not! My roommate is right there.” You hiss, shoving him to the side. You move away from him as quickly as you can. “I’m sorry but we cannot do this right now.” You grumble, pinching the bridge of your nose. 

Giyuu looks dumbfounded sitting on the ground where you had pushed him down. He blinks a couple of times before narrowing his eyes. “But you wanted me to fuck you.” It’s like he’s trying to put a God damn puzzle together. 

You groan and point to your door. “Yeah, when my fucking roommate wasn’t about to hear you moaning like a green pornstar!”  You fume, probably looking more exacerbated than you would’ve if you let him go through with it. Giyuu frowns. 

“Fine, then I’m leaving.” He states, gathering himself into a standing position. You nod in agreement, gesturing to the door. 

“Good, I’ll see you in class.” You sigh, flopping down on your bed. Giyuu gives you the oddest look but doesn’t say anything as he stomps out of your room. You hear Kyojuro mutter something to him and then the front door slam. A few seconds later Kyojuro is leaning against the frame of your door with his arms crossed over his chest. 

The silence is thick and for a moment you think he must want to confront you about Giyuu. There wasn’t necessarily a reason for him to confront you…so why did you feel so guilty? Shame was pumping through your stomach. “Want to watch a movie?” Kyojuro offers. You glance up to meet his blank stare. 

His gaze falls to assess the state of your clothing. Your skirt was still askew, your hair a mess, and your lips were swollen. He swallows slowly, trying to push down the thought of some guy having his hands on you. Kyojuro wasn’t jealous, no, he was simply… protective. Yes, that’s it. He was worried about you. Though… he couldn’t quite stop thinking about the small moan you let out. How someone like Giyuu managed to make a woman like you moan…he can’t fathom. Kyojuro would be able to have you only able to moan and shake in pleasure. He was so much better than that guy. “Sure. Just let me change into something more comfortable?” With a nod, Kyojuro slips back into the hall. A shakey breath leaves your body and you squeeze your eyes shut. You’d let your desire lead you too far. A distraction with someone you were comfortable with was sure to fix this heavy feeling. 

It doesn’t take long for you to pull on a pair of sweats and a soft tank top. You grab hold of your current book, heading toward the living room. Kyojuro blinks up to stare at you as you curl your legs under yourself on the couch. “You brought a book?” He gestures to the book with his head. 

A small smile lifts your lips. “Yeah, I thought I could catch up on some chapters after the movie.” You reply softly. Kyojuro chuckles and flips through some of his recommended movies. 

“If you’d rather read I don’t mind.” He mumbles while reading over a description. You shake your head. If anything you wanted to spend as much time with Kyojuro as you could. He had that warm presence that made you feel like less of a shit person. 

You set the book on the side table and turn back with a bigger smile for Kyojuro. “No, I really need a distraction right now and you’re doing a perfect job.” Kyojuro’s gaze flicks to you, his mouth twitching. 

“Distraction aye? Anything for the lady.” He smirks. 

The movie Kyojuro ends up choosing was at first glance, very cheerful and cute, but as the universe seemed to enjoy putting you in awkward situations – practically a porn scene started to play. Your eyes darted to see what his reaction would be, but it seemed he had none. His eyes were fixed on the screen, almost with rapt attention. 

What you didn’t see is that Kyojuro was white-knuckling the arm of the couch. He wouldn’t dare look at you for he feared the worst would happen. You already had a fucking weirdo try to pleasure you, what right would he have to make a move? Wait, did he want to make a move? What even was this? His initial goal was to get your mind off of your awful decision-making, but ever since you stepped out here with a book in your hand and baggy sweats on, he was done for. He wasn’t even sure how the movie got to this point, he was too preoccupied with observing you out of the corner of his eye. At times he wondered how you could be so breathtaking without even trying. He was so fucked. 

Thankfully, the scene ended and so did the movie. You almost instantly go for your book to avoid saying anything about how ‘enjoyable’ the movie was, but you don’t have time to grab it because Kyojuro leans over you, a soft smile dusting his features. Whenever the corners of his mouth quirk up in a casual smile it makes your stomach squirm with an uncomfortable feeling. “What are you thinking about?” He quizzes, reaching for something on the table next to you. You didn’t know what, you’d already forgotten what your name was. The warmth from his body seeps into your skin, his hot breath cascading down your arm as he speaks. You clear your throat and try to look at anything but the man next to you. 

It had been 4 nice years of friendship. It burst forth from an unfortunate crush on a mutual friend. Turns out that friend was too stupid to realize he was manipulating you and leading you on. Crazy how that works isn’t it? “How I’m going to have to fire the assassins that keep failing every morning.” You grumble out, pretending to be fascinated with the upholstery of the couch. Kyojuro hums in amusement, opening the book – which was apparently what he grabbed.

He sets the book in his lap, reading over the page you bookmarked. “They just need more training, I’ve gotten skilled at fighting them off.” He shoots you a deadly smirk and suddenly it becomes a lot harder to swallow. Your gaze lazily follows the curve of his bicep, noticing how thick they seem. Were they hard to the touch? You’d heard muscles were sometimes flabby though. It was difficult to suppress the urge to just reach out and feel his arm. “My God YN, you actually read this stuff?” Kyorjuro blurts, holding the page closer to his face as if that would help him believe he was reading it correctly. 

He pinches the spine of the book to close it with a shocked expression. You can’t help the bubble of laughter that escapes from your lips. Then – with horror – you realize he hadn’t bookmarked the page. “Kyojuro! The bookmark!” You practically jump over his lap to reach the flimsy piece of notebook paper you called a bookmark that was on the other side of his leg. You huff out a sigh when you finally have it in your hands, yanking the book from his hands to frantically find the scene you were reading. When the words start to look familiar you stick the paper in between the pages and set the book down. 

Leave it to the least observant person to almost make you lose your place. You’re about to move back to your spot when Kyojuro shifts underneath you. You turn to slowly look at his face, but you’re met with the side of his face. You note the tip of his ear is flushed red and his eyes are darting to look at anything but you – splayed out over his lap no less. “This is surprisingly comfortable.” You tease, rolling your hips forward a bit with a smirk. Something similar to a whimper comes from Kyojuro. 

“YN…” His voice strains with unrelenting thoughts coursing through his mind. How your ass looked right there over his lap. How heavenly your body felt on him, he especially liked the way your soft stomach felt like a cushion upon his thighs. It was crazy, you were driving him crazy. Finally, you sat up, but that was almost worse because now your face was closer to his. He could see your rosy cheeks, lustful eyes, and God – your fucking tight red tank top. He wanted it on the floor this instant, it would look better there anyway. He was fighting the urge to reach up and swipe away the hair that had come undone from the loose way you had it up. 

“Sorry.” You chuckle bashfully, fixing your necklace. He didn’t miss the way the pendant fell between your breasts. He wanted to follow the delicate gold chain until you were moaning his name.

“It’s no problem.” He mutters absentmindedly. He both wished he could melt into the couch and bend you over it to fuck you mindlessly. 

The way his mouth moves has always had this effect on you, but you were just friends. He felt so good under you, too good. “I’m gonna,” You glance down at the book in your hands. “Um, go finish this.” Then without another word, you scurry off to your room. You press your back into the very same door Giyuu had earlier. Only this time your heart was racing and your breath was erratic. What was happening? Did you…like Kyojuro? You always thought your conversations with him were on the verge of playful and downright sexual. You had similar jokes with Uzui and Mitsuri, but somehow this felt…different. Oh God, you did like him. You wanted to do unholy things to that man and then spoil him rotten with little gifts and quality time. 

Shit. Fuck! This was awful! Now you needed a distraction from the distraction. You spot your nightstand drawer and glance at the door behind you. Kyojuro was still in the living room, so he wouldn’t be able to hear you… distract yourself. 

You take a couple of steps forward and then rush to your bed, tossing the book haphazardly on your desk. You position yourself in the corner with a few pillows nestled around you. You bite your lip as you reach over and rummage around in your drawer until your fingers graze the glorious purple silicon you were looking for. You shimmy out of your sweats and panties, tossing them to the floor. You hiss in annoyance when you realize just how very wet you already are. “Mmm, fuck.” You moan as the round toy slips into your folds. It felt heavenly, but something was missing. “Haaa, oh my God, nngh.” You gasp out, the coils in your core tightening as the image of Kyojuro between your legs appears behind your lids. 

Kyojuro quietly listened on the other side of his wall, his mouth slightly ajar. He swallowed a lodge that had formed in his throat. He should put headphones on, or do something to stop listening to you, but he couldn’t. Your next moan cracks into a whimper and it takes all his might to not barge in there and throw whatever you were using to the side. He was so desperate to show you what real pleasure could be like. He imagines your eyes rolling in the back of your head as he rams his cock into your tight cunt. It would suck him in like it never wanted him to leave. You’d be fucked out by the time he was on his first round, then he’d cum inside of you. Fill you up and watch his cum trickle out of you. He’d make you his whore and have you begging for his cock every waking moment. 

He grunts, glancing down at his growing erection. You had driven him mad and you’d pay for it, of that he would make sure. Your moans grow erratic and he swears he can hear the wet slick of your pussy through the paper-thin walls. 

The pumping becomes sloppy as you writhe in pleasure. “Mmmh!” You bite down, trying to stifle the whining moans slipping out of your throat. “Feels s’good.” Your words come out slurred and after a bit of teasing the rope inside of you snaps and your eyes roll shut. Shit, what a mess you made. You groan into your pillow, annoyed that you had to clean up. 

Kyojuro rolls his lips into his mouth as he peers down. His hand is covered in sticky cum and his cock is still stiff with desire. Yes…what a mess you’d made indeed. 

+    +    +

You had the best night’s sleep in forever, waking up only when the sun was up. The shorts you’d thrown on last night had ridden up into your ass so you get out of bed to pull them down. There was also the sweet smell of pancakes that led you out into the kitchen where Kyojuro stands flipping some. You weren’t sure why, but he looked incredible doing so. He smiles when he notices you. “Morning YN,” His gaze lingers on the way the strap of your tank falls down your shoulder. You’re about to make a flirty remark when you spot your other two roommates observing you both from the breakfast nook. They both wear knowing smirks and whisper to each other. You roll your eyes and walk toward them. 

“Hey strangers, when did you guys get home?” You inquire, sitting down across from Mitsuri. She grins, playing with one of her braids. Uzui chuckles while leaning back in his chair. 

“Kanroji met this one guy and-” He’s shut up by Mitsuri throwing a pillow at him with flushed cheeks. 

“Shut up shut up shut up!” She squeals. “He,” She pouts and bashfully meets your gaze, her lime green eyes sparkling. “He was so cool.” She sighs dreamily, smitten already. 

Uzui gives her a blank stare and then his gaze flicks to you. Kyojuro sets down a plate in front of you, then the stack of pancakes near the middle of the table. Uzui follows Kyojuro’s movements with narrowed eyes. “And what have you two been up to?” He quirks a brow as Kyo sits himself down next to you. You both look up, meet each other’s gaze, then look away. 

You stuff your mouth with a bite of fluffy pancake. “Nothing much.” Kyojuro decides to respond. As the taste fills your tastebuds you can’t help the little moan that escapes your mouth. Kyojuro’s movements halt, his attention trained on you. The others didn’t hear, did they? With one glance to Mitsuri and Uzui he could tell they were in their own world. “YN?” Kyo leans over to whisper in your ear. You gulp down your next bite, your eyes shutting for a moment. “I need you to stop moaning over my cooking.” He hisses into your ear. 

Your heart dips in your chest. Was your enjoyment of his food having that much of an impact on him? You could have a little fun with this. You take another bite, humming in pleasure. Kyojuro’s eyes darken into deep amber swirls. “You having fun shoving that into your mouth?” He asks in a husky voice. You clench on nothing. The things his words alone were doing to you. He watches as your tongue darts out to lick up some of the syrup on your lips. “You’re being a brat.” He states.

You raise your brows and giggle quietly. “Yeah, that’s kind of the point.” Kyojuro nods in understanding. Without mention his hand grabs onto your thigh. His fingers play with the plush skin, molding it to his massive hand. “What are you doing?” Your voice is strained but Kyo just smirks, trailing his fingers higher up your thigh – grazing the point where your stomach overlapped. Dangerously close to the apex of your thighs and you knew at that moment, he was punishing you for pushing him so far. Even if this wasn’t real, just a friendly game, you were enjoying every second of it. 

“Guys!” Mitsuri suddenly exclaims. You expect Kyojuro to move his hand away quickly but his pinky delicately strokes your covered pussy. You swallow nervously. “We should totally have a game night.” She clasps her hands together and bounces excitedly. “We haven’t done one in such a long time,” She continues. 

Uzui sets his fork down and stands up with vigor. “What a great idea! We shall conquer the night with…Mario Party.” His magenta eyes narrow and he places a hand on his heart dramatically. “I shall be the victor again.” He states triumphantly. Mitsuri watches him in amazement, probably thinking, 'Wow, I wish I could declare myself like that! Uzui is so cool!’. She was so easy to read. 

Kyojuro on the other hand, was literally focused on his other hand. He was kneading the flesh of your thigh and it felt weirdly amazing. “Careful Uzui, Mitsuri has been practicing ever since last time.” He chuckles. Tonight was going to be… you bite on your lip as Kyo presses his thumb to your pussy… fun.

The day passed with you spending most of it hiding away in your room, finishing the book you said you would last night. Mitsuri and Uzui went out shopping for snacks and drinks while Kyojuro had some errands to run. You had to reread the same page over and over again, your head spinning with thoughts of this morning. Was this really happening? Kyojuro and you? Did he like you? Did you like him? 

You groan and shut your book. They should be home soon, it was getting late and you were lonely. “Sweetie we’re home!” Uzui yells as you hear the front door swing open. You roll your eyes at the timing. Walking out to the kitchen you find Mitsuri and Uzui excitedly emptying their shopping bags. Jack Daniels, Titos, Tequila Rose, and Mike’s Hard Lemonade. There are some stray soda bottles and a random bag of pretzels. 

You slowly meet their pleased expressions. “What are we going to eat?” You inquire, your brows furrowing. Mitsuri waves your concern away with a giggle. 

“Don’t worry, we called Kyojuro to handle the food.” She exclaims. You hum in approval, noticing that Uzui has already made his way over to the Nintendo, preparing Mario Party for tonight. Mitsuri pours three glasses and sets them down on the coffee table before flopping down in the recliner. 

You watch as Uzui and Mitsuri drink and play a few rounds. Then Mitsuri insists they should go to the convenience store and you wait for Kyojuro to show up with the food. Not even a few minutes after they leave the one you were waiting for walks through the door. He sees you alone and tilts his head. “Left alone again?” He questions, setting down a few bags on the counter. 

You shake your head. “Nope, I have you now.” You reply, a hint of playfulness in your voice. His lips form into a slow smirk as he starts walking over to where you’re sitting on the couch. He squats down, letting his eyes lazily look over the comfortable clothes you have on. 

“Mmm, indeed you do.” He mumbles. Your heart is thrumming uncontrollably in your chest. You’re almost afraid he might be able to hear it. 

“You uh,” His eyes instantly meet yours when he hears your voice. It makes it harder to talk when he’s looking at you so intensely. You break eye contact, gaze falling to your lap. 

“No, YN, if you’re going to do this, you’re going to look into my eyes.” Kyojuro’s hand is under your chin, commanding you to see him. 

“Do you like me?” You blurt. That’s not exactly what you intended to say but the words came out anyway. Kyojuro chuckles, his usually bright eyes darkening as he peered at you. 

He wets his lips, sliding the hand that was under your chin up your cheek. Your breath hitches and that only drives him forward more. Before you know it his mouth is hot next to your ear. “Why do you want to know?” He asks in a hushed tone. You feel hot, so very hot. “Mmm, don’t worry, you don’t have to say anything, I already know. Your body is practically begging for it.” He uses his hand on your face to expose your neck, every movement antagonizing slow. The tip of his nose drags down your jugular and he stops just above your collarbone. His lips move along the sensitive skin, sucking and taking in the splendor of being this close to you. “To answer your question,” He starts, biting down on the junction of your neck and shoulder. A breath moan escapes your throat. He hums in satisfaction, moving back to your neck with kisses and tantalizing licks. “No, I don’t like you.” Then, he’s next to your ear, breathing heavier than before. “I crave you. Desire you. I cannot think when our eyes meet. You make me dangerous YN. Every second I am not with you I’m a depraved man. Hungry. Starving.” Kyojuro’s face is in front of yours, his eyes burning into yours. 

This time you don’t look away. 

You grab his cheeks closing the distance between your lips. The kiss is gentle at first, surprise and exploration guiding both of you before Kyojuro positions himself in between your legs, pushing you into the back of the couch. His breath is labored as he moves his mouth along your skin, planting kisses everywhere he can reach. He’s desperate, groaning into your neck. “Bedroom. Now. Or I’m going to eat you out on this couch until our roommates get home.” He growls and without a second thought your legs are wrapped around Kyojuro’s waist. You’re not sure how he’s watching where he’s going and making out with you. All you know is that soon your back is pressed into the back of his door. This time it’s hot and you intend to use the door for stability because this man is surely going to make your knees weak. 

Kyojuro’s fingers are digging deliciously into the back of your thighs and his tongue is licking the spot he bit you earlier. It was all a bit overwhelming, the sensations, the emotions rolling around in your stomach, and the downright arousal dripping from your cunt. “God you’re so perfect.” He grunts into your shoulder, running his teeth along the curve and shape of it. 

Your hands are buried in his hair, pulling him back up to your lips with needy fervor. You can scarcely breathe, but when you catch your breath for a moment it’s his name you moan out. “Kyo,” Between kisses, bites, tastes of bliss, and the teasing roll of his hips into the apex of your thighs you would whisper his name. He was all that mattered. The anchor to Earth and the center of your very being. His response would always be a soft, ‘I’m here,’ ‘good girl,’ or ‘fuck,’. 

“Are you sure?” He gently connects your foreheads. A pleased smile morphs your swollen lips. “I don’t want you to regret this…us.” He adds. 

You peck his lips, then decide to kiss him for a beat longer. “Kyojuro, I think we’ve established over the last few days that we are not just friends. I want you, all of you.” You reply gently. It’s like something in him snaps even more because the next thing you know you both are on his mattress. 

“You drive me fucking crazy.” He hisses, shifting himself between your legs. His warm fingers hook onto the hem of your shorts, pulling them down and tossing them to the side with abandonment. He stares down at your red panties, getting lost in the way they formed your pussy perfectly and your body. “Take your shirt off.” He suddenly demands. 

You choke out a laugh at the outburst. “You take your shirt off.” You playfully snap. He cocks his head to the side and pulls the black tee he had on over his head with one swift motion. You gulp down your words and grab the hem of your own shirt with both hands, yanking it off with a lot less grace. You hadn’t been wearing a bra because of being home all day so when your tits meet the cold air Kyojuro smirks. 

“Hmm, you listen so well when you’re put in your place.” He coos, rolling his lips around in his mouth. “Now, for your reward, I’m going to eat this perfect cunt. Feel free to let me listen to those pretty little moans of yours, or,” He grins, laying down on his stomach. “Wrap these fucking thighs so tight around my head that I can’t hear anything. Okay, princess?” The air is heady as you watch him pull your underwear off. He halts for a beat, but presses your legs open for him and slides one of his hands down to open up your folds. You hiss out a breath as he grazes his teeth along your thigh. 

His fingers slide into your entrances without any trouble. “So wet for me already baby, you want this so bad.” Kyojuro chuckles from his position. A breathy moan leaves your throat. 

He pumps two fingers inside of you, playing with your walls. “F-fuck, right there, nnngh.” He hooks his fingers then his mouth is sucking on your clit. You almost scream, the pleasure shooting thick bands through your body. Your muscles tighten and so do your legs around his head. He hums in pleasure, the vibration sending shockwaves through you. “S-so good, oh my God, so good.” You can’t think. Words are just spilling out at this point. 

Your legs start to shake as his tongue plunges deeper into your pussy, swirling around your sensitive clit. “Ah angh,” Your walls clench and pulsate around his fingers. “I’m fuck, I’m close,” Kyojuro pushes on your leg so he can move his tongue away and you almost whimper at the absence of it. 

He starts to quicken his fingering, watching with a pleased expression as you writhe and clench. “That’s it baby, cum on my fingers.” He coaxes and with one more hard hook of his fingers you fall apart, convulsing with whimpers and whines. As you cum Kyojuro moves his mouth back to your pussy, lapping up your arousal. “You’re so sweet, fuck.” He hisses. 

Your heart is racing, breath coming out in pants, you can barely feel your legs. “Kyojuro,” You huff.

He shits onto his knees with a lopsided grin. “Yes?” 

“I need you inside of me,” Kyojuro blinks at you, then with a knowing smile works himself out of his pants. 

“Don’t worry baby, I’ll take good care of you.” He grunts, but you zero in on the very size of him. For a guy you’d known for 4 years, you would figure you’d be able to guesstimate how large his cock would be. Nope, he was so much larger than you expected. He lines himself up at your entrance and with a slow push, he’s stretching you out. You groan and latch onto his shoulders, digging your nails into his muscles. He shuts his eyes, a grunt rumbling from his chest. “Shit, you’re sucking me in. Look at you taking me so well.” He husks, rolling his hips into yours. It felt so good, the way you tightened around him whenever he moved like you didn’t want him to pull out. 

Kyojuro starts to thrust, gentle at first but with time he picks up pace, ramming into you like he knew you liked. “You like that huh? Do you like me fucking you speechless? Ain’t got such a smart mouth on you now aye?” He spats, you can only whine in response. “Mmm, such a good girl for me. So perfect for my cock, fuck.” His movements become sloppy as he fucks into you. You gasp and tighten around him, another wave of pleasure crashing into you. That’s all it takes for Kyojuro to break, a cracking string of moans falling from his mouth as he cums inside of you. He collapses next to you, chest heaving. 

“Do you think Mitsuri and Uzui came home during that?” You ask, voice hoarse from the previous activities. Kyojuro rolls his eyes and turns on his side to look at you. 

You turn on your side too, feeling sweaty and sticky, but not caring much. You could feel his cum inside of you and honestly, it was a nice full feeling. You might’ve been a little too into the fact he came inside of you. Kyojuro wraps his arms around you and kisses your forehead. “I’m not sure, but I can go get you a towel if you want?” He replies, peering at you with a concerned expression. “I kind of made…a mess down there.” He mutters. 

You giggle and shake your head. “Don’t friends clean up each other’s messes?” You joke. Kyojuro scoffs and rolls his eyes. 

He smacks your ass and pulls you closer to him. “Yeah, but I kind of think we’re past the whole just friends thing.” 

As you look into his eyes and feel the swell of happiness in your chest you realize he couldn’t be more right. You were never Just Friends.

[spoopyblues214]

I realized I've been beating myself up with the thought that I can't write unless it's for something, and its clean and finished, which isn't good. This is my first step to try and get out of that!

Rise Raph × reader angst!

Red Red Red

Word count: 363

°•.•°

Your vision blurred, the bright things brighter from the cold that teased the edges of your eyelids but didn't dare fall. The pain had been so much just moments before, but too much morphed into nothing, either thanks to shock or something else. You flinched and turned away from an impact you heard to your left, only for light to breach the rubble that had you trapped.

"Softy!"

You recognized that gruff voice, even further recognized the red masked face that looked at yours.

"Hey, Raphie," you murmured, only for the use of your voice to push discomfort up your throat until you coughed it out.

Raphs eyes looked so small, so scared, focused lower on your body rather than your face. You hated seeing him so uneasy. He was rarely free of unease. You felt so bad for doing this to him.

His hand must have touched you, as the buzzing ache turned sharp and ripped a screech from your chest. He pulled his hand away immediately, eyes glancing to the red you saw painting his skin, only for him to instead look at your face. You wondered, same as him, how you were the one so calm in this moment. Tears fell from his eyes, fat and wet and soaking his mask a similar color to his hand.

"I-I can't- not you," he begged, your name coming out a strangled sound.

"You won't," you replied, doing your best to smile just to sell it. He didn't say he didn't believe you.

His hand, painted in red, colored your skin and hair as he brushed his thumb on your cheek. You leaned into his touch, your tears finally falling aswell. It surprised you when his lips crashed into yours.

And he smothered you, and you wanted nothing more. Your lips moved against his like it'd be the last time, knowing it'd be the last time, desperately trying to convey just how much you love him. He returned it with an even greater level of care, trying to convey just how much he needed you.

Everything faded away in that kiss. The world, the pain, sight and sound and touch.

Raph sobbed alone.

[arecaceae175]

for the pride month prompts:

trans sky.

he can't breathe? maybe he should take off his binder and stretch? has he got cramps? does he wanna sleep? the chain just supporting him. mentions of t4t groozelink?

twilight cheering him up and showing off top surgery scars???

HI HELLO I WENT BONKERS WITH THIS ONE

Summary: Twilight and Legend notice Sky struggling with his binder, then Sky grapples with jealousy. 2.2k words, angst and hurt/comfort.

I hope this is ok! It's a bit more angsty than I intended, but oh well. I fit quite a few of the prompts in here. And it also got way longer than intended, but that's a good thing lol.

Warnings for lots of dysphoria and discussion of unsafe binding practices.

Excerpt under the cut :D

"Sit," Legend commanded, then plopped onto the ground herself. Twilight followed, concern still clearly displayed on his face. Sky grimaced as he sat, his binder pinching one of the rolls in his skin. He kept his eyes on the trees so he wouldn't have to see the way his body settled. It was always worse sitting. He couldn't easily adjust the tight fabric of his binder underneath his layers of tunics and chainmail, so he wiggled until the pinching stopped.

"Everything okay?" Warriors asked.

"I'll holler if we need anything," Twilight said. Sky appreciated the lack of audience as he sniffled and wiped his nose on his sleeve.

"Ew," Legend mumbled. She pulled a handkerchief out of her pocket and threw it at Sky. Sky caught it with a wet laugh and used it to wipe the snot and tears off his face, though they weren't quite finished yet.

His chest ached. Crying always made the pain worse.

"Can you tell us what's going on?" Twilight asked.

Sky turned his head away. There was a bug hopping across the forest floor. He followed it with his eyes as a hand absentmindedly rose to rub his ribs.

"Shit. When was the last time you took off your binder?" Legend asked.

"Oh," Twilight hummed in realization. "I knew you looked out of breath after the battle this morning." 

Sky choked on a sob. He knew he wasn't supposed to wear his bonder during exercise. With the speed Warriors was leading the group with, the hiking itself qualified, and he was already overworked and out of breath after the run-in with monsters. Sky had thought for a long time about whether or not to wear the binder when he got dressed that morning, but one look at his reflection in the clear lake water and his decision was made for him.

"I'm sorry," Sky mumbled. His head dipped forward, chin resting against his chest. He desperately wanted to curl into a ball, but the fabric of his binder was digging into his skin enough just sitting upright.

"Don't apologize," Twilight said softly. "It's okay."

"I don't even know why I'm crying," Sky said through his tears.

"Do you want to change out of your binder for a break?" Twilight asked.

Sky shook his head as another sob broke through. He winced and a hand flew to his ribs. They were already bruised, and the crying hurt.

"Twilight was trying to be nice about it, but you don’t actually have a choice. You need a break." Legend's voice was harsh, but not unkind.

Twilight leaned forward and put his hand right in front of Sky's leg, as close to physical comfort as he could get. "Bodies are bodies, nothing more. Yours has carried you this far, so it deserves a break, yeah?"

Sky sniffed and nodded, reluctantly. He knew he was well over the recommended wearing time, and that was not counting the exertion of the day. Plus, Sky admitted to himself, his binder was really hurting. "Yeah."

[merbear25]

requested by @1dkneo

Hello again! I’m happy that those fics made you crave more of your man. Law is quite the catch, isn't he? 🤭 I decided to put both of these into one fic! I hope I fed your obsession well, lovely.💜💜

Lost in the heat of the moment (Law)

CW: NSFW, MDNI, fem!reader in mind but nothing specific mentioned, creampie

You and Law had an interesting relationship to say the least. There were times you would bicker with each other over little things, yet there was still a sense of care through it all. The way you’d poke fun at the other only encouraged the playful teasing.

When you added the light touches which made him blush, you couldn’t suppress the wave of satisfaction washing over you. The soft hue on his cheeks sparked desire deep within you—the want to see his flushed face above you as he plowed into you.

As the tension between you built, so did the fire in you. When his last teasing remark was delivered in a little bit of a harsher tone, the need to release your pent-up lust became too much. Excusing yourself, you hurriedly made your way to the restroom, promptly closing the door behind you.

You sat yourself on the edge of the bathtub after unbuttoning your pants. Without wasting any more time, you let your desperation flow through the motion of your fingers. With each choked sob and suppressed shudder, you didn’t want to hold back anymore.

The abrupt exit you made was curious, but the fact that you’d already been gone a while was leading Law to believe he’d taken it too far and upset you. In search of you, he heard your muffled cries trailing from the bathroom.

You were so lost in the moment of your own ecstasy that you didn’t hear his faint knock. When your eyes fluttered open to see a flustered yet stern Law standing before you, your first reaction was to snap your hand away from your throbbing arousal.

With a darkness looming behind his eyes, he smirked at you. “And here I thought that I’d gone and hurt your feelings. You naughty little thing—making me worry like that.” 

As he stepped towards you, the shock on your face was replaced with pinning. He tugged your pants off, taking a moment to admire how beautiful you looked in your lingerie—each curve being hugged immaculately. 

Seeing you in such a vulnerable state only heightened his hunger for you. Trailing kisses along where you needed him most sent shivers down your spine. He chuckled as you tried to grip at the sides of the tub to stabilize yourself.

Hoisting you up in his arms, he placed you on the counter before planting a starved kiss on your lips, allowing your tongues to tangle in the heat of the moment. With your moans seeping into his mouth, he shoved your delicates aside to focus on your aching lust.

His fingers alone were enough to have you panting and trembling. Nipping at your lower lip, his lips were now ghosting yours. He murmured, “You’re good and ready for me, aren’t you?”

Your eager nod earned you a low growl. Roughly pulling you closer to the edge of the counter, he aligned his hips with yours. With a swift and hard thrust, it was impossible to hold back your yelps and gasps. The sudden sting of pain was quickly replaced with electrifying jolts of pleasure.

With his fingers digging into your hips, you held onto him tightly, raking your fingernails down his back. His urgent grunts and your soft mewls brushed past each other’s ears and mingled with the rising heat of fervor.

Feeling you wrapped around him, each quiver of your orgasm sent him into a frenzy. Bucking into you, his own release was gaining speed, leaving his timing to pull out in a delicate balance.

“I love this so much.”

Your euphoric, soaked words snuck up on him, coaxing him to lose all sense of self. His eyes rolled back as he held you close and with a gravelly groan, he bucked a final thrust into you.

The soft gasps and heavy panting from you coming down from your erotic high nearly replaced the realization of his lapse in judgment.

He grumbled a ‘sorry’ before pulling out, allowing the hot pent-up lust you had for each other to trickle down your ass.

Leaning up to place a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth, you told him not to worry about it. Looking down at the mess you two had made, you gave him an offer he couldn’t refuse, “Would you like to join me in the shower? After all, we did just make a mess of ourselves.”

[a-whisper-in-the-forest]

Rules

Part 1 (Disgraced apple pie) Part 5 (A way out)

TW: mind control, whump, mentions of murder

Villain walks through the front door of Supervillain's lair panting heavily. The alley was further away than they thought. They quickly take their shoes off and walk towards the living room. The room is dark and only lit by the reading lamp in the corner. They try to cross the room as fast as possible to get to their room. They had kept Hero a secret way too long. They’re going to be in so much trouble. Maybe if they can reach their room in time, Supervillain might leave them alone for tonight. 

“Hello, dear,” A voice that made Villain shiver travelled through the room. “You’re home quite late,” Supervillain is petting Villain’s cat on the couch and all Villain wants to do is rip it out from under their claws and protect it. “I thought i’d let your little friend out of your room, since you took so long to get back,” Villain puts on their carefully crafted mask of emotional distance that they had to create years ago. “Sorry for the inconvenience. I got the USB and the Sidekick is dropped off,” Villain manages to say in their cold tone, although that’s becoming rather hard. The Supervillain stands up from the couch and lets the cat go. While Supervillain walks towards them, their cat runs off to their room. “You are always so good for me. The best one of our family. Good strategist, deadly powers, never loses control,...” Supervillain says as they walk closer and closer to Villain. “So, tell me, why would you hang out with a hero?” Shit. This is bad. This is really, really bad. “Well?” They insist. 

Villain takes a deep breath. “I- I don’t know. We met after a fight and they wouldn’t leave me alone and then that one time turned into a couple of times. It meant nothing, just something to pass the time,” Villain answers, not daring to speak above a whisper. Supervillain hums in response. “Meant nothing?” Villain silently nods. “You do realise you broke one of the rules?” Villain nods again, a lump forming in their throat. “How many times have I told you not to talk to strangers, especially heroes? And now that Hero of yours suspects something and might find out what my power is. Do you see the problem?” Villain can only nod. They did this to themselves and they are going to have to pay the price. “You broke the rules, dear. You know what that means right?” Tears are forming in Villain’s eyes. They know what this means. “You obviously can’t be trusted with the freedom I gave you.” Supervillain sighs as they caress Villain’s face. “And you were so good for so long, I really thought I would never have to do this again.” Villain lets their tears fall freely and sobs quietly. They don’t want this. Not again. They had to do so much awful stuff last time. Please, not again. Their mask was broken and every bit of their hard work from the past years fell on the ground and shattered in a thousand pieces. They had to start from zero again. 

“Shhh, It’s going to be okay,” Supervillain whispers in Villain’s ear. They had pulled them into a hug, putting Villain’s head on their shoulder. “It will be over soon and you won’t even notice. You can just let your mind rest while I do the hard work for you. No need to think or worry anymore.” Villain continues to sob in Supervillain’s shoulder. They were so scared. They are going to have to do bad things again. Worse than they were already doing, and they couldn’t stop it. As much as they tried, they couldn’t stop it. “Shhh, it will be over soon,” Supervillain continues to sooth while placing a hand on Villain’s head. They try to match the Villain's breathing and let their powers do the rest. Supervillain’s eyes turn white and Villain’s heartbreaking sobs fill the room. They plead and cry out asking Supervillain to stop but they don’t listen. They try to push them off but the tight hug in which they are trapped doesn’t let them. They trash around and fight trying to find a way out. After a few more seconds the sobbing stops and Supervillain can feel Villain’s muscles relax. They let go of Villain and looked into their eyes. A white glaze covers them. They look unfocussed and as if they were staring into a void. Supervillain sighs in delight. “There you are, my dear. No more distractions, just the two of us.” Villain looks at them with a numb expression, nothing behind their eyes. Supervillain kisses their cheek and caresses their face again. “Now let's see if your hero still finds you so sweet now you have nothing holding you back.” Supervillain traces circles with their thumb. “Let them see why I keep you close.”

~

From their room, a tear stained face watches the scene unfold. The villainous sidekick wonders what it was Villain and Supervillain were doing. Just as Supervillain lets Villain go, Assassin walks by, probably going to the kitchen. As soon as they see what's happening in the living room and Sidekick lurking from their room they push SIdekick inside their room and quickly follow. “What was that? What were they doing?” Sidekick immediately asks. “You don’t want to know, believe me.” Assassin answers pacing through the room. “No, I do. They were hurting Villain,” Sidekick says sitting at the edge of their bed, looking up expectantly. Assassin sighs. This wasn’t going to be an easy talk. Assassin sits down on the bed and starts telling the story. “Just like you, we were all asked to join Supervillain. Some in their early twenties like me and Other Hero, others like yourself and Villain when they were only teenagers. You were convinced pretty easily. So was Other hero. I pushed back a bit more and when Supervillain can’t get you to do what they want, they take control over your mind.” Sidekick looks a bit shocked at Assassin. “I know,” Assassin continuous, “They only had to do it a few days for me to comply and I never want to experience that again. Villain is the one that pushed back the most, but also was the one that Supervillain wanted the most. You’ve seen them when they are angry, they are deadly if they allow themselves to be.” Sidekick silently nods as they remember the time Villain ripped an intruder in pieces from the inside out. They got a few nightmares after that, not that they would tell Villain because they didn’t want to hurt them. “So you understand why Supervillain wanted them?” Sidekick nods again. “Villain didn’t go down without a fight. When Supervillain controlled their mind they were able to break free a few times before they broke. The first time the mind control lasted six months. The second time they refused an order and it lasted eight months, and then it happened a few times more and the time varied. The last time was brutal. They made Villain kill all the heroes in the city, not only the ones from the Agency. That’s why there is an entire new league. I don’t think they ever recovered from that,” Assassin says as they look at the door, feeling sorry for their old friend.

“I thought all the old heroes retired.” Sidekick says looking at their sheets. “That’s what the Agency wants you to believe. They were too ashamed to tell people that their great heroes were killed by a then eighteen year old,” Assassin answers. “I know I am not naturally calming like Villain, but do you want me to stay with you?” Sidekick nods. “You’re not going to hit me with a pillow again, are you?” Assassin chuckles as they pull Sidekick into a hug and lay down. “I can’t promise you anything,” They answers smugly and with that they fall asleep together.

Hi! It has been a while since the last part but I really wanted to do this right. I hope you still enjoy the series and I am really thankfull for all the nice feedback I got on this series!

[fantastic-mr-corvid]

thanks for the tag @i-know-how-my-story-ends !

five songs ive been playing on repeat in no particular order:

dancing in the dark by bruce springsteen

fifth of may by zach bryan

if i cant dance by sophie ellis-bextor

east side of sorrow by zach bryan

opheliac by emilie autum

uhhh idk who to tag but please accept this as a blanket tag if you want to do it!

[magentagalaxies]

vent incoming:

got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!

[enigma-absolute]

Today marks 10 years since I first really stepped into the Eddsworld fandom and went through an event with it.

But it also happened to be first anniversary of its creator's passing. This year marks the 10th.

I figured 13 year old me wouldn't want to feel alone in that moment, so I made this to join her and go through the flow together.

Without Edd and Eddsworld, I don't think I would've had that accessible foundation, can-do mindset and enthusiastic influence, admiration and desire to animate and make stories of my own. I was a year too late when I first entered into the fandom and heard about it, but these past 10 years taught me it's never too late to make an impact and tell your tales - no matter how long they'll take.

Thank you Edd Gould. For everything.

[vaguelyhauntedcornfield]

Okay but like I really need to rant about this a bit so like spoilers for ep 3 of tlou below but like

idk I’ve never played the game so I had no idea what to expect going into this, but when Frank showed up, I was like “I can’t tell if Bill is going to kill him or marry him.” WELL. Nick Offerman did such a GOOD job of looking on guard and uncomfortable. His shoulders are like up to his ears the entire meeting sequence and it made me so jumpy, and then we skip 3 years and he’s so visibly relaxed. And my heart started to melt. And I found myself so enamored with these two men who, against all odds, found love in a situation where that should have been impossible. Frank was the last alive from a group fleeing a collapsed quarantine zone, Bill a preper who had decided to be alone long before the pandemic even started. We expect Bill to die the whole time--comments about him getting old faster than Frank, getting shot by raiders. The jump to Frank being sick...they showed so much through his paintings. You weren’t expecting it, and they showed you through his art how his illness has been progressing, and how him being able to see that himself affected him. They showed how Bill broke down and made a deal with Joel to get medicine despite saying he never would. This show. THIS SHOW. I was sobbing up until Bill became weirdly calm during the dinner, because I realized he’d made the decision too. They died on their own terms in a world where that had become nearly impossible. They had a beautiful life together in a world where that had become a pipe dream. Two characters that we never even meet thru the main characters, not in the present day, but who matter so much.

[aberooski]

It's astounding how one thing can ruin your entire day and destroy your entire emotional state.

[icharchivist]

curse of having a popular post turning around tumblr is to suddenly recognize a Big Name Tumblr with a very Infamous history in your activity and having to stare into oblivion for a huge moment.

[raeathnos]

.

[flokali]

♢ I love you, I own you | Tartaglia

warnings: yandere, dub-con, penetration, coming inside, unprotected, undertones of misogyny, toxic parents, manipulation and gaslighting, obsessive, paranoid, and possessive behavior, toxic mindset, coerced submission, getting walked into, bribing, murder, torture, self-doubt and insecurities (mc), arranged marriage, implied financial insecurity, implied virginity (mc & childe), spoilers for tartaglia’s story/lore, unhealthy coping mechanisms, unreliable narration (at times). ask to tag.

pairing: afab! fem! reader (bottom) x childe (top)

word count: 13.3k

a/n: ahhh; hopefully this is good >_< i love him so much… after almost a year, ‘tis done ^_^

part two: here

— 18+

Childe is horrified and incredibly angered, if not down right homicidal, when he finds out your parents planned to have you engaged to a no-name Fatui henchman, it’s only a further blow to his already weakened heart when the news don’t come from you nor your family but from the loud mouths of your “soon to be fiancé” and his goons. His blue eyes widen and he feels himself grow lightheaded, his stomach feels like it’s turning itself inside out and, oh Celestia, he thinks he’s going to puke.

While perhaps not the most befitting behavior for a Harbinger, Ajax couldn’t help but eavesdrop when he had first heard the mention of your name and while he’s extremely glad he did, - he’s silently thanking the Tsaritsa for telling him now so he could do something - he almost wishes he didn’t as he’s now forced to go back to his office and wordlessly deal with the intrusive thoughts racing through his head.

All he can think about are the countless pinky promises you’d both made to each other during your childhood, the coos of both of your parents when they had first heard him declare his love for you, the feeling of your hands against his when you kissed his cheek goodbye before the fateful day he stumbled down the abyss, the way you and only you were the sole thing keeping him together during his time there, the way you sobbed in relief when he first approached you after emerging victorious from hell itself; did those moments mean nothing? Had only he been impacted by them? Had you forgotten his love for you - your love for him?

No, he thought as he marched to his desk, there’s no way - you had to have felt it too, you must have kept those memories deep in your heart as did he. You both were meant to be, childhood sweethearts, one soul in two different bodies, created from the same stars and carved out from the same earth, put into the same world to meet and love each other from your first life to the last. You were his and he was yours, you were one and the same, you were lovers - it was written in the stars and in his very flesh, it was a fact as true as his love for you.

His breathing is ragged and he can’t contain his shaking body, he never should have trusted your parents - they obviously didn’t have your best interest in mind, if they cared about you at all they would have never promised your hand to another, they would’ve realized he, Childe, Tartaglia, Ajax, he was the best man for you.

Granted, they hadn’t heard from good little Ajax for years, not ever since he’d left for the Fatui - he only ever kept consistent correspondence with you and his family - but that’s no excuse, there was no excuse for their actions, they were disgusting pests that were blinded by greed. How much money had they taken to accept such a disgusting agreement? 500,000 Mora? No, that was too cheap… 1,000,000? 2,000,000? More? Maybe it was in the tens of millions, there was no way you were being given away for less, right?

“Ahhh,” the ginger sank in his chair, his trembling hands finding his hair and pulling at the soft strands in frustration, “what do I do now? What should I do? What should I do? Shit… this can’t be happening.”

He wanted to cry and destroy everything. Destroy that man, no… that poor, pathetic excuse of a man that had dared try and stake his claim on you. This wasn’t your fault, there was no way you knew – never once in your letters had you mentioned a lover nor a wedding, you would have told him - would have begged for him to save you - if you did know you must have cried and begged for them to not marry you to that bastard, sobbed as you muttered his - Ajax’s - name like a mantra, begging to be taken by him and finally wed to the true love of your life.

It felt like the world was falling and crushing him alive.

How could they do this to you? How dare they do this to you? To him, to you, to the both of you.

He could just have the man killed, sent on a suicide mission disguised as an essential step for gnosis hunting - maybe even under the pretense of a promotion, he was sure he’d accept anything, he was a no name soldier that would probably be forgotten by the next round of recruitment -, and make your parents go bankrupt, burn their house and have their businesses fail before delivering the final blow of jailing them due to fraud or maybe even executed under claims of treason; the thoughts calmed his rapid heart, if only slightly.

They needed to be taught a lesson, they shouldn’t put their dirty, greedy hands where they didn’t belong.

But no, that’d be too light of a punishment, and there would be so many loose threads - he’d rather be on good terms with your family - if only for you -, could it maybe be a misunderstanding? It could be, right? They were like family to him once, after all, and a part of him hates the idea of them having grown so vile and corrupted, they were supposed to be his in-laws and he’d rather his children have both sets of grandparents. Not to mention, you’d be so sad to see them gone, even if there was a chance they were worth nothing more than dirt.

No, that wouldn’t do, his wife couldn’t be sad - he’d confront them as soon as physically possible, question their actions and propose a better arrangement, and depending on their answer they would become the Fatui’s latest show of loyalty to the Tsaritsa or officially join the perfect future he’d dreamed of with you.

Yes, that’s what he’d do, his shaking heart finally comes to a rest as he begins to plan his trip. If things went south he could easily have his initial plan executed quickly, and while he doesn’t particularly like the idea of having to plan their execution arrangements, justice wasn’t always pleasant.

It’d be alright, surely all of this could be resolved through a mature, adult conversation. And if not, then Childe wasn’t a Harbinger for naught.

It takes him a few days until he’s able to find the time to meet up with your parents, though, honestly, it’s more like barging into your home unannounced and demanding answers. He has a job - a serious job, after all, one that demands his presence and takes true effort and work, unlike that shitty excuse of meat your parents wanted you to marry - and he had matters to attend to – after all forging evidence for a possible execution isn’t easy and he wants to be prepared, it was one of the few times where he wanted to come in with a proper battle plan.

He had it all planned out if things went south, a few reports here, some testimonies there, a lengthy transcript or two, a handful of bank reports, and soon your parents would look like traitors to the crown and be sentenced to public execution.

All he had to do was confront them in person. He wasn’t sure if your parents would be home, he hoped so as to not prolong such a troublesome process any longer, but he was willing to wait. He was getting his answers today, one way or another; he’d free you from this horrid arrangement and whisk you away to give you the life you truly deserved.

Luckily for him, you live in the same neighborhood as you always had, so no time had to be wasted searching for your family’s whereabouts. It had been a long time since he’d had the chance to come back to his childhood neighborhood and he can’t help the giddiness in his heart as he strolls through memory lane while making his way down the streets you two shared a childhood in, it looked almost the same - a few differences here and there like a new house or someone’s place having been renovated, but it felt just like home. His parents had long since moved houses into a fancier side of the city, the money Childe managed to bring home as a Harbinger long since allowing them the luxuries that had once felt impossible, but he almost wishes they hadn’t as he spots your family’s humble abode, his heart longing back to the days of your shared youth.

It’s a two story house, built with strong wood made to resist Snezhnaya’s harshest winters and the cold summers, the roof was made of strong wood and designed so that snow would fall as to not sink, the front yard still held the swing you’d begged your parents for on your tenth birthday, the mailbox was still slightly crooked from the time he had head-butted it when racing you back from the park, the flowerbed still held the same flowers and plants that were able to withstand Snezhnaya’s harsh weather, the tree somehow still seemed to harbor the countless balls you two had gotten stuck there back when you were in your preteens; it was like it had been frozen in time, the only true difference he could spot was your older figure sitting on the front steps looking as if you were waiting for something, maybe someone; maybe him.

His heart stops as do his steps, he’d been so busy the last couple of years he hadn’t been able to pay you a visit in person, he’d had a few soldiers patrol the area before, but nothing could prepare Ajax for the surge of emotions that coursed through his body as he laid eyes on you.

Your body was taller and you had grown into your features, but you were still you - your eyes still shined with the hope and love he’d long since lost while your lips were still as tempting as he remembered. There was no doubt it was you, he’d recognize you anywhere; no matter how much you changed. But you looked sad, your lips downcast, your eyes filled with tears, and your frame hunched over, it was clear you were cold by the shaking of your frame but you didn’t falter - still sitting down with a flimsy blanket wrapped around you as you waited.

The scene made him pick up his pace, he was desperate to reach your side; what had happened? Why did you look so sad? Were you hurt? His men had not informed him of anything happening that would explain the crystal like tears that pooled in your eyes, just the sight was enough to have his blood boiling and fists shaking as he wondered who was responsible for the pain you so openly displayed.

Have you found out about Andrei and your parents’ sins? The thought of them being the reason for your sorrow made him grow dizzy with rage, but the negative feelings can only last so long as he has you in his sights. Your mere presence seemed to lull his emotional heart into a more tranquil state.

“[Y/N]?” Childe asked, he was only a few feet away from you but he didn’t dare walk closer, “Is that you?”

“A-Ajax?” Your eyes widened, hope evident in your voice and it’s like all traces of the previous pain in your face had vanished, “Oh, Ajax!”

You hesitate for a second before breaking into a smile when you realize it really was him. It almost looks like you want to burst into tears and he’s sure he probably doesn’t look any better, seeing you in the flesh after so long felt like a dream and as if every moment without you until now had been but a nightmare, he can’t help himself from running towards you and throwing himself into your arms. He looks older, definitely more mature, his is build stronger now - probably due to the fighting and training he endured as a Harbinger, you thought - but his smile was still the same, perhaps a bit empty but it still filled your heart with a warmth that could battle Snezhnaya’s unforgiving cold. It felt right to have him back in your arms as if time had never been cruel and taken him away from you, you could have sweared your worries disappeared the moment you took in his warmth.

His white coat floats through the air as he lands between your arms, and you can feel his smile in your chest as he hugs you tight.

He was finally home, he thought, in your arms and back in the neighborhood that had raised him - he was with you and that was all that mattered, the man was filled with so much ecstasy he could almost forget why he’d come here.

“What are you doing here?” You ask him, your voice is shaky and the ginger feels himself melt at the familiar tone of your voice.

“I should be asking you that,” he laughs, his eyebrows becoming furrowed in concern as he speaks, “it’s freezing, darling, you shouldn’t be outside.”

“I… I was waiting for one of your letters,” you whisper shyly, during your time away from each other - weekly letters had been your primary source of communication, something you’d learn to love and cherish as one of the few forms of contact you and Childe could have without your parents knowing his dangerous job and position.

“You’re so cute,” he coos, he feels a weight lift off his shoulders as he realizes you were safe, if anything he feels ashamed he hadn’t been able to send you anything and caused you such pain, his heart aches as he tries to wrap around his head he may have hurt your feelings, his gloved fingers find your cheek and squeezes it tightly, “however, it’s too cold for you to be outside with just a blanket, my love.”

“I know,” you shake your head, you go to lift a hand to wipe the stray tears that had escaped you but Childe takes care of it for you as he delicately caressed your face, “it’s just, I hadn’t heard from you in almost two weeks and I got worried, I thought… maybe something had happened in Liyue and you’d gotten hurt.”

“O-oh… I’m sorry,” his deep blue eyes look downcast as he processes your words, “I never meant to worry you, I had so much to do and to say that instead of a letter I decided to come meet you in person, i-isn’t that better, love? I simply couldn’t be away from you any longer, it’s my fault, though, I should have told you so earlier, ahh… I can’t believe I’ve made my angel cry.”

A poor soldier would have their head cut off tonight, he thought, for he was certain he’d sent a bag full of letters meant to last you at least a full season to be delivered everyday to you while he arranged for this mess to be solved.

You nod as stars fill your eyes before shaking your head as if assuring him you were alright. You loved Ajax and you had loved him for almost all your life, from the moment you met him you’d been charmed by his boyish good looks and charisma, of course a few things had changed, but he was still your sweet Ajax, the boy who’d stolen your heart and kept it safely within his arms for as long as you’ve known him.

“Come on,” you signal him to stand up with a soft pat and the man has to stop himself from begging for more of your touch, “let’s go inside, you must be tired and we have so much to talk about.” He nods and lets himself be pulled up by you as you giggle and smile about finally being able to talk face to face after years of not being able to physically see each other.

You feel like a teenager again as you lead Ajax into your house, your heart beating like you were confessing your love for the first time - the excitement was practically the same, your head felt fuzzy from the warm feeling holding Childe’s hand gave you; you had missed him terribly. You feel like you were about to explode into a million piece from excitement, your head filled with everything you’ve ever wanted to say to Ajax’s face ever since he left, all the news that felt too important to simply write out and that had you hoping a day like this would finally come, you’re scared of coming off too intensely but your heart truly feels like it’ll burst from joy, unfortunately your excitement comes to an abrupt end when you finally drag him into your living room. You turn around to offer him a drink or something to eat, the trip from the capital all the way over here was a couple hours long and he’d always had quite an appetite, but you’re faced with a look of disappointment and slight anger as he looks around the room, your heart sinks - just seconds ago he was all smiles and laughter as you two embraced each other in the harsh winter, having created a warm paradise between each other, but now he looked as if he couldn’t stand to be in your house and you wonder if maybe you’d angered him somehow even though you logically knew you’d done nothing other than invite him inside.

Maybe you were overreacting, you think, you’d been quite paranoid as of recently, your family had been distant and you’d been feeling lonely and anxious for a while. It’d been an embarrassingly long time since you’d had guests over, at least, guests that mattered to you and hadn’t been your parents’ friends or siblings spouses. The look in Ajax’s face makes your stomach churn; had something happened?

“Are your parents home?” He asks, his voice tinged in a mixture of distaste and sadness, it’s lower than when he’d spoken to you earlier and you wonder what could have happened to create such a drastic change in his behavior. If you took the time to notice you’d see how his eyes glare at the family portrait; the two traitors clear as day as they embraced their children, Childe couldn’t help but see them in a new, more negative and hateful light.

Not after two weeks of research, not when he was now certain they wanted to get in his way.

“No, they said they weren’t coming home until later tonight, but if you want to stay till then I’m sure they'd love to see you again,” you try to reassure him thinking he was perhaps saddened at not being able to see your parents, it’d make sense since, unlike you two, they hadn’t been able to keep in touch since the young man’s career in the Fatui began.

“I… I don’t think I want to meet them, no,” Ajax shakes his head, his hair bouncing as he makes his way to your sofa, his legs tremble slightly – cowards, he thinks, not even able to show their faces, “I actually came here to talk to them but, ha… now that I’m here I’m not too sure.”

“Hmm, how so?” You ask, your heart - which was already quite nervous at his sudden change of mood - sinks further, a sudden uneasiness fills your lungs.

He’d come here in hopes of finding you parents and confronting them with his findings, he would have offered them a chance to redeem themselves and cancel the wedding without you even finding out about the secret dealings they’d been making in your name, but they were not here, you were. Maybe, he could change his battle plan, if he couldn’t talk to your parents… why not simply talk to you? If he’d offered a higher sum and never asked you himself, he’d be no better than that lowlife and your parents, not that you’d reject him - but the thought of steeping as low as they did made him sick.

“What are your thoughts about marriage?” The question is so sudden and unrelated to the previous topic you instinctively frown.

“Marriage,” you sit down opposite of him, it feels like you’re in a job interview as he questions you, “I mean, I’ve thought about it but I’m not sure I want to get married, at least not now, I’m not too sure I’d want to give it all up; I mean, I have a job and friends, there’s so much to do, so much I want to do… and I can’t say I’d be able to do it all if I was married. I’d like to travel and, I… I don’t know, learn more I guess, I feel like if I settle down it'll be once I’m more, you know, confident or mature?”

You trail off awkwardly, it was true - the only times you’d ever seriously thought about marriage often included you being significantly older and, most of the time, with an already retired Ajax — though you wouldn’t admit that to his face unless you were certain he felt the same. You’d rather keep that last part hidden, if not for fear of making him uncomfortable, for the sake of your heart and fear of being brushed aside. Your parents had made it quite clear; you were no marriage-material, you’d be lucky if you even manage to get a partner at this rate, and you doubted a man as accomplished as Tartaglia, Ajax, the 11th Harbinger, would settle for a average, clumsy, pessimistic small town girl such as yourself.

He stays quiet as if a million thoughts were racing around his head; that wasn’t the answer he particularly wanted, he’d rather hear you’d been fantasizing of marrying him, hear you ramble on and on about how you’d been waiting for him and were just about ready to go down the aisle with him and promise yourself to one another but he was glad you weren’t against the idea of marriage, even if he wished you’d been more open about doing it sooner rather than later; but that would change, he was sure of it.

“And, uh, what about you?” You ask, the air felt heavy and you desperately wanted to ease the tension, only one thought was really running through your head that you were too afraid to ask; “What was going on with Ajax?”

“Me?” The question snaps him out of whatever mental trance he’d caught himself in, “Well, I want to get married, the sooner the better, I want to have a family, but it’s gotta be with the person I love the most in this world, I couldn’t bring myself to imagine living without them.”

Neither the words themselves nor the sentiment are crazy, even if you’d only just gotten to know him, it was obvious Ajax wanted a loving family to call his own and it was a pretty common desire for many, it more so was the way his eyes seemed to bore into your own as he spoke, as if he were trying to let you know it was you who he was talking about. You flustered at the thought, it was perhaps selfish to think it was you he was talking about but the thought pleased you nonetheless even if your parents’ words echoed in your mind.

“That’s, ah,” you mumble, breaking eye contact and looking elsewhere, trying to calm your beating heart, you should stop being so silly - he was here to talk with your parents, not you, both of you meeting was mere coincidence, nothing else, “really nice, I hope you find them soon..”

“You do?” He smiles, seemingly pleased with your words, but it’s significantly weaker than usual.

There’s an awkward silence as you wonder if maybe, just maybe, he’d come here to propose. You know it sounds crazy and incredibly sudden but the mention of marriage and wanting to talk to your folk, the fact he’d made the time in his incredibly busy schedule and travels to come over to your house, it made it sound like he had ulterior motives for coming here and just the thought of them had you flustered. You may have just said you wanted to hold off on marriage, that you doubted someone like him would even think of being your partner, but you felt certain that if Ajax asked for your hand you would agree with no hesitation – out of a pitiful mix of love and desperation.

You’re unsure of what to do and are about to speak up, willing to say almost anything to move the conversation forward and away from the topic, but he beats you to it and breaks the silence first.

“Listen, dove… I-I love your parents and I wouldn’t accuse them of something like this if I didn’t have evidence, okay?” He lies through his teeth, after finding out the way they were so willing to get in between you two he could barely stand the thought of them now, but he’s lucky the rest of the words come easy, “I really didn’t want to believe this either, but I have many a reason to suspect they may be trying marrying you off soon to a stranger.”

“W-What?” You breathe out, you struggle to process his words, it’s as if they’d bounced off your brain and floated off elsewhere, “M-marrying me off? What’s - what do you mean?”

No, no, no way.

You feel yourself grow tense and light headed.

What sort of messed up prank was this? There was no way… right?

“It seems they found a member of the Fatui,” he shakes his head, “a guy named Andrei Galkin, and they’re planning to marry you off to him, so I decided to ask around - it seems like it’s been a topic for a while now, money may be involved too, the reason I came here was to… have a talk with your parents, see if I could change their mind.”

“D-do you even have proof?” You ask with a shivering voice, heat rushes to your cheeks as you begin to feel hot in embarrassment and anger; your parents were meaning to sell you off to some man? This had to be a joke Childe was playing, you’d known he’d become a bit off after the Abyss incident and you knew his time as a Harbinger probably messed him up, but this wasn’t funny. It was disgusting, the mere prospect has you trembling as you try and grasp what on earth was happening. However, the more you look at him, you wonder if this is a joke at all. You studied him and his expression, desperately trying to see anything on his face that’d indicate this was a sick prank from his part, a cheeky smile or maybe lack of eye contact - anything would do, you felt yourself begin to hyperventilate as you realized how absurd it’d be for him to come all the way to a village hours away from the main city to play such a horrible joke on you, one he must have known would cause you pain and anguish — you doubted he’d want to see you like this, at least you hoped he wouldn’t want to see you like this.

Oh, the realization makes you grow lightheaded, he was probably telling the truth.

“There’s correspondence between them and his family, there’s also a wedding venue booked under their names,” Ajax mumbled, his voice a mere whisper against the sound of your beating heart, he pulls a few files from his coat and hands them to you - your last name is printed on the cover and you quickly open them and browse through the pages, your heart sinks, “I also found money transactions between your family and the Galkin family, about… I’m sorry but I can’t —“

“How much, Ajax?” You feel stiff and your hands start shaking making it hard for you to continue flipping through the countless reports, photographs, records, bank transactions, and letters, your blood feels terribly cold as you try to calm down the whirlwind of feelings that coursed through your body, but you couldn’t bring yourself to calm down, not when your family, your parents of all people, have seemed to been able to calmly put a price on not only your love but your person as well.

“About 900,000 Mora,” he mutters, cold blue eyes avoiding your gaze as he continues, “to Uncle and Auntie from Andrei’s family.”

“900,000 Mora…” You feel your heart shatter as Childe brings a comforting hand towards your shoulders, his calloused fingers massaging your tense muscles, “You’re… you’re serious, aren’t you?”

“I’d never lie about such a thing,” he approaches you slowly, Ajax continues speaking as he envelops you with a hug soon after removing the papers from your trembling hands,“this pains me as much as it pains you.”

All of this was true, it’d taken him a long time to gather it all, but the reality was simple and cruel;

your parents had begun arranging for your marriage to an older Fatui soldier for after his retirement.

“Why… why would they do this?” You mutter, feeling sorrow slowly fill your lungs up - making it harder to breathe comfortably, “H-how could they? How could they? Why… Ajax, w-why?”

You felt like an idiot, just minutes ago you’d naively thought you may be getting proposed to by your childhood lover, a childish and hopelessly romantic thought, but now you’re sitting in your living room, on the verge of a breakdown as you tried to think of why on earth your parents would be willing to accept such an offer on your behalf, why they’d use you - their daughter - for Mora.

“Shhh, it’s okay, let it out,” he brings your head into his shoulder, caressing your back in a soothing manner, “it must feel horrible, I’m sure.”

And so you sit there, sobbing into your old friend as you try and process the information presented in front of you. It takes you a good couple of minutes to calm down, by then you two have once again sat down on the couch.

“What am I going to do?” You bury your face into your hands, your body shook as you thought about having to confront your parents once they arrived now with the knowledge you had.

It takes Ajax a couple of seconds before he speaks up, he needed to make it seem like he hadn’t been thinking of this from the moment he’d gotten his hands on the evidence himself; “I have an idea but...”

Your head shoots up in record speed, you could practically feel your neck crack from the sudden move but you didn’t care, you were desperate for a solution - no matter how good or bad it may be; “Oh come on, just spit it out, nothing could be worse than this.”

“Marry me.”

Your eyes widen and your breath hitches; “M-Marry you?”

He nods, sapphire eyes staring you down like a hunter would prey - you didn’t like the way he was looking at you.

“Why?”

“Why?” He echos, you can see him stifle a laugh, “Because it’s either that or marrying some lowlife named Andrei who paid to wed you.”

You feel your body stiffen at the harsh words, they were true but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt to hear. You avoid looking him in the eyes, your hands anxiously twiddle each other.

“… and what if you’re wrong?”

“What?” He asks as if he couldn’t believe what you had just said.

“What if my parents aren’t marrying me off…”

“Darling,” Ajax laughs but his eyes didn’t seem to have gotten the memo, “are you doubting me? I gave you evidence, it’s right there.”

“Not necessarily,” you look away, you couldn’t help but wonder why you needed to explain yourself, “but, come on, I can’t accept this, it’s too sudden and mom and dad, t-they’d never do this to me, right? I’m their daughter, you know? They love me, they said they did and you don’t do this if you love someone, right?. So… so w-what if you’re wrong?”

“Wrong? There’s no other interpretation that makes sense of what we’ve both seen. Why would I lie to you about this? Come on, love, look at me, do I look like I’m enjoying this?” He questions you, “Look at me, come on, listen to me, if it were up to me,” he grabs your chin when you refuse to meet his gaze, his dark blue eyes stare deeply into your soul; they don’t shine the way the once used to, “I would have asked them for their blessing and proposed to you in the plaza, I would have had a ring ordered from Liyue costume made for you, I’d organize for their to be flowers of every color imaginable, even arrange food and music too, there would be hundreds onlookers who’d die to experience a fraction of the joy we would be feeling, I would have invited my family and yours, I’d have you wearing a custom dress, you’d be the happiest woman in Teyvat if I’d have my way… but look where we are instead, can’t you see? This isn’t what I wanted for us, this isn’t what I wanted for you, but we still have time, we can still fix it. But before that first, you have to believe me and get it through your head; this is who they are, this is what they’ve done, your parents don’t love you any more.”

“…” You can only look at him in shock as you feel tears swell in your eyes because it was not far fetched to say that the last few months your family had been distant, that they’d begun to act strange, and that you’d been short on cash for Tsaritsa knows how long, it hurt because a part of you felt like this was plausible. Because it was true, you were the youngest and that you didn’t exactly pull your weight the same way your siblings did, it was true you’d been more of a casualty in your family’s life but that didn’t mean they’d sell you off. No, they had treated you with love and kindness, they’d been there for every big step in your life, they loved you… right? They’d never do this to you, they would never accept Mora in exchange for your hand in marriage. They would never trade their love for you for some Money… right?

Maybe their love was ensuring you had a better future, one where your lover took care of you even if you didn’t exactly choose them, it was true your love life had been awfully stale, that the only person you’d ever been interested in who had also liked you back was in the army, and that you were never quite able to secure a full time job, it was always part-time and you were always booked the least compared to your coworkers. It was true you didn’t have many friends, most of the people your age had moved away by now, you were the only one of your siblings who wasn’t married or dating someone, out of all of your siblings you were the only one who seemed to remain the same no matter how many years passed. Maybe it was exactly what this was, a misunderstood, misplaced, and ill-fitting way of showing their love; but maybe you hated the thought this was their way of expressing it more than you were moved they’d tried at all.

“Shhh, my love,” you didn’t quite catch when Ajax had started wiping your tears away nor when he had managed to get so close, but at that moment – the moment where your whole life felt so uncertain and shaken – you were willing to ignore it all, “it’s okay, I know what you’re thinking… My offer still stands, you can still marry me.”

“And then what?” You sobbed, holding his gloved hands tightly against your cheek, “What am I going to do after that?”

“You’ll move in with me,” he responds matter of factly yet his tone is still soft, as if he feared speaking too loudly would scare you away, “and we’ll tell them together and you’ll make your bags and we’ll be on our way away from all of this mess. Please listen to me, sweetheart, as of right now, I’m the only choice for you – it won’t be bad at all, it’ll be lovely in fact, don’t you want that?”

“…”

“Please, please trust me, I only want what’s best for you,” he continues, ignoring your silence and instead continuing to caress your skin, “I’ve worked with Andrei, he’s no good, he’s older and cranky, he’s always in a bad mood, he won’t satisfy you, and I don’t want you to be miserable, I mean look at you, is this what you want? Hear me out and put trust in me, you won’t regret it; I’ll get you out of this, I promise.”

“But…”

“I love you and I know you love me,” he whispered, drawing closer to you, his voice low as he slowly leans into your lips, he stops right before they can touch his own, “and I’m sure you’ll grow to love this too.”

There’s a silence as you let your options cross your head, you feel yourself grow overwhelmed, being struck with grief and regret in such strong waves you have no choice but to simply give in to the only secure stone you currently see in the storm that was brewing in your mind.

He loved you, he said so himself, and he’d protect you, he’d promised. You could trust him, you had to trust him; you had no one else.

“I’ll… I’ll marry you.”

“That’s my girl.” He boasts, his face – which is now close enough for you to smell the mint in his breath – breaks into a smile before he’s leaning into your face to kiss you; You reciprocate the action and close your eyes, secretly hoping that today was but a nightmare.

You feel his gloved hands wander around your body, the leather-like material is smooth as his skilled digits play around. There’s barely any time to breathe as he continues kissing you until you grow dizzy from the lack of oxygen entering your lungs.

You had always liked Ajax, always dreamed of marrying him, but as your dreams were coming true you couldn’t help but feel suffocated by the circumstances that brought it up.

“Darling,” he moans, as he finally parts himself from your abused lips, “you’re not kissing back, don’t tell me you –“

“Ajax,” you interrupt, your voice barely above a whisper as you desperately try to dive into his eyes, seeking an answer, “why are you doing this?”

The question spoke for itself, no further clarification was needed; why had he come? Why had he revealed your parents’ plans? Was it even as awful as he made it seem? Why did he care? Why now? Did he really want to marry you or did he just feel responsible for you? Why did he bring himself into this mess? Why you, why him, why, why, why, why? Simply; why?

A part of you couldn’t quite believe what you’d heard, you still struggled to grasp the idea that your parents would even think of giving your hand away for Mora, and yet the intensity in his voice, the anger in his tone as he relayed the information he’d gathered could have convinced anyone, you doubted he’d lie about something as severe. If this was the truth, it’d been revealed to you too quickly, you’d been expected to get over it too soon, one moment you find out your parents were getting rid of you and your trust in the most materialistic of ways and the next you’ve been proposed to by a man you hadn’t seen in person for over half a decade. You can’t help but wonder if you said yes because you loved him or because you were desperate, for what - you didn’t know.

“Because I love you,” he speaks, his dull eyes finding yours and you wonder if they’d always lacked light, “I love you… and I’m not letting anyone get in my- our way.”

In his head, this was the only way to have you, this was the only way to love you, he was going to save you.

He doesn’t stop to wait for your response before he’s picked you up with ease, years of training and hard work evident by how nonchalantly he walks around your house and goes up the stairs, ignoring all the other rooms and picking up the pace the closer you got to the destination; you were going to your bedroom, you realize, the one you’d been occupying since you were a child. You never thought your house to be small but the speed in which he was walking made you aware of how short the distance between your bedroom and living room was.

“Ajax, what are you doing?” You whimper, you hold on tightly to the ginger, you’re so close you can smell his cologne, afraid he’d let you do if you let up even for a second.

“I’ll show you,” he continued down the hall, there’s an edge to his voice that gives you a chill, he sounded almost angry but with whom you did not know, “I’ll show you why I’m doing this.”

You two finally make your way to your bedroom where he kicks the door open and plops you, quite unceremoniously, down onto the mattress. He kicks off his shoes and wiggles his heavy coat off before climbing the bed with you, he tugs you around until you’re below him.

“You’re doing all of this too fast, calm down,” you argue, pain and sorrow still evident in your voice and it hurts his soul to hear it, “you don’t have to prove me anything, I…”

“Everything I’ve said is true, love,” the red-head insists, “and I’m doing this equally for me as I’m doing it for you.”

You don’t respond, instead you opt to look away; his gaze was becoming too intense and it was making you feel funny in ways you hadn’t felt before.

“Look at me,” his hands find your jaw and he redirects your gaze forcefully, “you’ve already said yes, unless… don’t tell me you,” his eyes darken as they narrowed, an almost animalistic look took over his features, “you lied and you don’t want to marry me.”

“I… I do, I’ve always wanted to, but,” It’s embarrassing to admit but you do so anyway in fear of creating a misunderstanding between the two of you, everything was going so fast you were struggling to keep up, “but… is this really how you want to do it?”

You were certain you could take things slower, maybe wait for your parents to come home and talk to them, you didn’t understand why he was in such a hurry, was this healthy? Was this okay?

“Yes,” it seems like he can sense your hesitation so he continues, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” His words held so much certainty you almost feel stupid for even questioning him, he drew near your lips once more before engulfing your mouth in a kiss, this time with much more vigor than before.

His teeth nip at your lips, begging for entry and you shyly grant it, slowly parting your mouth open. It’s all so messy as you feel his tongue enter your mouth, the muscle seemingly had a life of its own as it mapped your mouth, teeth clashed against each other as if he were desperate to dominate you.

His hands find your waist and insists on pushing you further into the bed, molding your body into the mattress, as he rubs your sides with slow, sensual movements that light your body ablaze. The contrast between the continuous attacks on your lips and the soft stroking of your body left you dizzy, he handled you as if you were made of porcelain and yet ravaged you like a beast when granted access.

You unknowingly whine as your lips finally part, taking a deep breath of air in the process, a thin strip of saliva connected you both, a lewd indicator of the passion Ajax wished to imprint on you. You’re both panting, clearly riled up from the heated kiss, but the man on top of you insisted on letting his hands work their way through you. Your eyes trail downwards where his gloved digits traced the shape of your body, the way they glide across your curves and dips was hypnotizing, and you miss the way a smirk overtakes his features as he realizes how tightly he’s got you wrapped around those very same fingers.

You feel his breath before you hear his words; “Can I take this off?”

His voice is barely above a whisper yet his question rings around the room like a scream, you feel yourself grow hot under your clothes; the same ones he’d just asked to remove off of you.

You’re too embarrassed to answer him, still slightly hesitant to continue going, you can feel your cheeks heat up into a burning mess and you’re scared that if you speak you’ll make a fool of yourself, so instead you nod slowly, trying to calm your racing mind, moving your eyes elsewhere in hopes you wouldn’t have to see the smug look his face was sure to take.

However, he’s quick to catch your face and redirect your gaze back to himself; “Thank you.”

You let him pick you from the bed to fiddle with the claps on the back of your dress, his fingers are swift in figuring out how to free you from your outer layers, it’s almost amazing how quickly he’s able to take your clothes off until you’re clad in your modest undergarments.

Due to Snezhnaya’s unforgiving winters you often layered multiple articles of clothing and prioritized warmth over aesthetics, the thought your underwear might be underwhelming doesn’t cross your mind until you’re left with your thigh-length woolen socks and plain bra and panties. You wonder if maybe the sight would be disappointing for a man as well traveled as Childe, he’s probably seen much more appealing bodies and clothes during his travels, but that idea goes as quickly as it comes when you finally see his reaction to your partially bare body.

Even though he still wore multiple layers, you could see the way his chest had begun to fall and rise unsteadily, his cheeks have taken a feverish glow, and his breath has become noticeably ragged, the hands that held the clothes he’d recently taken off your body were clearly shaking, his fists tightened their grip on the soft fabrics of your garments until they wrinkled. His eyes never left you, even as they traveled through your body, mapping out every nook and cranny he so desperately wanted to mark and savor, he didn’t dare let his gaze wander as if afraid the minute he did you’d disappear and he’d wake up in his office, cold and alone.

“Hah…” Ajax lets out a soft moan as he takes in the sight in front of him, he feels weak and bothered as he watched your breasts rise and fall as you breathed, he lets his eyes go downwards until he’s face to face with your covered pussy and he feels his underwear slowly moisten as he catches sight of a small wet patch that had formed in your panties.

“Don’t look at me like that…” You mumble into your arms, your body instinctively tries to hide itself but your friend doesn't allow it. The minute he feels your legs try to bundle together he slots himself in between them and throws your clothes away so he can fully grasp and force them apart.

There’s silence as you both stare at each other, waiting for one of you to make the first move and fully pass the point of no return.

Surprisingly, this time it’s you who grows impatient and drags the ginger down to meet your hungry lips.

Maybe it’s because right now, Ajax felt like the only person who cared about you and you felt desperate to feel comforted, you felt betrayed and hurt and you craved to be reminded you were loved. It wasn’t healthy and a part of you felt guilty, like you were using him for momentary comfort, as if you’d forced him to come and offer his hand in marriage, if you were smarter and stronger maybe you would’ve realized what was going on and could have stopped it. But he’d said he loved you, right? You loved him, you knew you did and he’d gone and declared his love for you first, even when you were kids he was always dedicated to reminding you of his adoration, but your parents said that too and where did that lead to? He wasn’t doing this out of feeling obligated to care for you, was he?

Maybe this was a mistake, you probably should not be initiating sex with a man you haven’t seen in person in years after he came to tell you your parent had sold you off to marry some rich old, gross soldier, you instead should have sat down and talked for longer, tried figuring out what was going on and perhaps find a solution that didn’t include you marrying your childhood sweetheart, not out of love but out of fear of being forced into an arranged marriage with a stranger. But the fact of the matter is that you didn’t do that, you let yourself be dragged along by his passion and desperation, you now laid in bed making out with Ajax as you desperately tried to push the thoughts of self-doubt and disgust away.

You try to focus on the present without thinking of the past nor the future; The almost one million Mora your parents had pocketed didn’t mean anything, there was no Andrei Galkin, Ajax had never left you, the Fatui didn’t exist, there hadn’t been any betrayal or hurt feelings, you were safe and you were free, there was nothing. In this room, at least for this moment, all that existed was you and Tartaglia.

His shirt is a barrier between your greedy hands and his naked body that’s becoming increasingly annoying as you parted your lips to grant him access to your all of mouth, which he gladly accepts as your tongues caress each other in a sloppy manner, you feel your teeth sometimes clash with his own but you’re too focused on tugging at his clothes, trying to get them off with the least amount of space between you both to care. They could rip, you didn’t care, you wanted to feel his body and warmth, you needed to feel alive.

Your body is starting to feel tingly, your nipples feel hard against your bra and your lower region becomes needy. You want him to touch you more but his hands are busy fiddling with your hips and waist, alternating between the two spots as he caresses and pinches your skin.

You both seem hesitant to let each other go even if it’s for something as necessary as catching your breaths, but even if things seemed to have slowed down it didn’t mean something isn't happening.

“Ajax,” your voice is soft and breathless, you feel your lungs beg you to not speak, “take ‘em off, wanna touch you…”

You gesture at his clothes, slowly running a finger around his chest and stopping at - where you guessed - his nipple was and pressing down hard.

A deep grunt of approval escaped the man’s lips at the feeling and it took him a second to nod, busy trying not to focus too much on the way he felt his cock throbbing, and back off to make way for him to take his clothes off. Childe refuses to completely climb off you, instead leaning backwards to unbutton his shirt and click off the harness he wore, his coat falling behind is his figure, and his shoes long since thrown elsewhere, his pink nipples are clearly sensitive as his eyes shut off tightly as his clothes graze them, his whole body felt on fire - as if your mere presence were an aphrodisiac to the man. Next is his pants and socks and he does his very best to be as quick as humanly possible, they’re all off in record speed and he’s soon only wearing his underwear.

The minute he’s done, he’s thrown himself back onto you as if trying to make up for the few seconds he’d parted from you.

You’re flustered as you finally feel his skin freely come in contact with yours, as if the situation slowly began sinking in just then. Not to mention, you’d caught sight of his raging boner through the thin layer of fabric that constituted his undergarments. It looked big and thick and you wondered, if you even reached that point, if it was even possible to feel good from such a thing pounding on your hole, it looked like it’d hurt more than anything. But a greedy part of you was desperate to find out how it’d feel to have all of him inside of you, to have his fat tip caressing the deepest corners of your body, painting your gummy insides white.

This time, you both skip the kissing and go straight to touching each other, this time more shamelessly and with less hesitance. Your hands find his neck and you pull his head into the crook of your neck where he dedicates his time to litter kisses across the area, you let your hands wander across his shoulders and neck, softly scratching the skin under your nails whenever he kisses a particularly sensitive spot. On the other hand, Ajax let his hands travel across your chest and cup your breasts, he molds the flesh like a stress ball, tightening his grip and pulling at them like they were toys. The feeling of your bra coming into contact with your hardening nipples makes you whimper and moan while your body contorts in an attempt to meld deeper with the man on top of you.

Your movements are restricted and awkward as you were currently caged between the bed and him, but you do your best to communicate your growing neediness.

“A-Ajax, mhmm~!” You gasp, his teeth gnaw at a spot in your neck that has a shot of neediness reaching your privates in electrifying waves, “… more, I wan’ more…”

You can feel his lips curve into a smirk as he hears the desperation in your voice but he’s not better at concealing the very obvious way your words affected him; “My dove wants more? Hah—haha, a-aren’t you such a cute ‘nd needy little thing.”

You huff slightly at his teasing words but you can’t deny that the way he addressed you as “his” made you grow increasingly horny. He seems to hear your soft complaint and finally parts with your neck, which was now littered with hickies and love bites, to allow himself to gaze deeply into your eyes.

You could never deny that Ajax’s eyes were the prettiest shade of blue you’d ever seen, they resemble sapphires and noctilucous jade but with less shine. When you both were younger you’d spend hours gazing upon them, admiring the intensity they held. Now, however, you can’t say you aren’t slightly intimidated as he gazes at you like a predator. His hands leave your body and you’re immediately missing the warmth they provided you, in fact, you’re about to complain and ask him to touch you again when he suddenly cups your clothed pussy with his hand.

His hand is large, his fingers are long and the palm is in no way small, which meant most - if not all - of your cunt was now being held in one of his hands. His thumb is hovering over your clit and you gasp as you feel him tighten his hold and trace his fingers across your slit and up to your sensitive nub.

You squirm, letting your bottom grind against his hands, slowly building up your pleasure until you’re letting out soft moans and whines. Tartaglia decides to aid you as he himself works towards getting his member hard and oozing with release by moving his hand across your pussy and grinding on your thighs simultaneously. Your mind grows hot and dazed as you sense your pussy begin to drool, you could feel the way your juices leaked, the wet trail they’d leave and traveled across your your entrance, down your slit and across your thighs, soaking your underwear with release; you wondered if Ajax could feel your excitement too.

You could certainly feel him. His cock had long since been hard and leaking precum, you could make out through hazy eyes and desperate movements a wet patch on his boxers. It looked so big constrained against the fabric, you wanted to free his cock and feel it inside your hole, any of them, his balls seemed to hold unceremonious amounts of cum as the wetness kept growing more and more visible to you, you wondered if he’d be willing to come inside of you if you asked.

You both work together, trying to make the other as aroused as possible until someone snapped and began demanding the intercourse you both clearly wanted.

You don’t want to give in, not yet, but he’s begun to tease your slit with his fingertips and you’re growing aggravated from the empty feeling in your cunt. You feel yourself clenching onto nothing, your walls closing desperately trying to find anything to grip onto, you are growing desperate to feel something inside, be it his fingers, his tongue or his cock — you wanted him inside of you, now.

“Ha… hah~” You can feel his tongue hanging from his open mouth, drool escapes his parted lips and coats your breasts, you’re surprised he’s managed to keep himself up for so long, all the training he’d endured paying off and allowing him to mount your thighs and grind his length against your skin, his expression is one of extreme arousal that makes you tense and grow lust-drunk, “T-Tell me… d’ya wanna feel my cock in your pussy yet, darling?”

“…! M—mhk?!” You let out a high pitched whine as a particular stroke of his hands delves momentarily into your clothed hole, you can feel your cum slowly dirty your underwear.

“Look at you,” he chuckles, his movements growing erratic, his ginger hair seems darker and less vibrant against his reddened face, “your… your pussy is beggin’ for me!”

“Please…” Your voice is barely above a whisper, your body still rocks alongside his own as he uses your body to get off and bring you close to a mind-numbing release, your voice wavers as your whole being is shocked from the pleasure Ajax’s hand toying with your clothed cunt brings, your legs twitch and your body keeps contorting and folding.

“Hmm, please what? I need you to tell me,” he mumbles, his voice takes a deep, desperate and animalistic tone as he continues, he takes his fingers and starts to circle your clit with an unimaginable force, “What do you want, huh? If you want me to fuck y-you, you’ll need to use your big girl words. Say; “I want my husband’s cock inside of me”, come on, ask for y-your husband’s cock…!”

“A~Ajax…! Please-uh…” Your body begins to hurt, your very own genitals seem to be burning in fire as you desperately try to soothe the ache in your womb and clit. You begin to rut against his hands at an embarrassing, almost objectifying, pace, absolutely desperate to cum and lift the cloud of lust that seemed to haunt you from the moment Ajax laid your body on your mattress.

“That’s not who I am,” he mumbles into your skin, his teeth beginning to bite and mark the flesh of your breast, “I’m y-your husband now, right? So, ask for it properly… hah~ won’t you?”

“… want my h-husband’s cock, I… inside of me, please,” you whine between heavy breaths, “I… want to fuck my—hah… h-husband…”

The moan that leaves his lips is loud and primal, his whole body shudders as he hears your plea. He didn’t think he could get any harder and yet hearing your shaky voice ask for him sends a rush of blood through his body and straight to his dick.

“Ahaha… that’s right, isn’t it? I-I’m your husband now,” an unsettling grin starts to form on his face, one that, if you weren’t so desperate and vulnerable, would probably have sent a shiver down your spine; it was an expression that resembled his face after ending a powerful opponent, one that meant victory was his, that he’d won, it was the face many people would see before departing the realm of the living, one of pure, unhinged bliss that could only be understood by a man such as himself, “I’m your husband, your husband… a-ah! Ha-ah, that means… hah, that means it’s my duty to fuck you, to make you feel good, a good husband makes love to his spouse, right? S-so as your husband, I get to be inside of you… a-and make you cum lots. Yeah, I… I’m going to be the best husband, you’ll feel good too… So be a good wife and take all of my love, ‘kay?”

During his incoherent rambling, which you barely could understand, he works to rid you of your underwear with desperate movements. His hands pull at the fabric with enough force that they tear, allowing him to rip the fabric off your hips and discard it on the floor. The cool air in your room hits your lower end and makes you shiver, your body had been previously engulfed by Childe’s warmth, the feeling of his own heating body and rapid blood circulation had sheltered you from the freezing temperature outside of the sinful haven between your bodies. The difference in temperature and its effect on you seems to have been noticed by your partner, who looks around the room trying to find a solution.

You want to hurry him up, tell him you didn’t mind the cold, that you just wanted to feel him inside you for the first time, but before you know it he’s pulling something from behind; his white coat soon is back on his shoulders, lazily throw on, barely holding up as he quickly pulls his underwear off. He’s quick and precise, never wasting a moment as he adjusts himself on top of you once more, this time with his bare cock leaking on your stomach.

“I’ll heat you up… inside and out, hah…” He mumbles, adjusting the coat so it covers both of you, the long, heavy material immediately worked wonders as your body regained its warmth.

You nod, wrapping your arms around his neck to bring him closer to you, you’re both trembling as he slowly lowers his pelvis to meet your own. You were right, he was big and he was long and thick, but he made sure to go slowly as he inserted two fingers to stretch you out in preparation.

Your slick facilitates the intrusion, there’s not much pain as he opens and closes his fingers, curling and extending them, as if trying to gauge how far you could stretch. His cheeks are a bright red, sweat runs through his forehead as he feels your body accommodate the feeling of his fingers. Ajax was big, always taller than most in your village, and his time in the Fatui had definitely contributed to his size – his shoulders were broad, his chest chiseled, and his fingers, the ones that slowly danced inside your pussy, were long and calloused. This was your first time feeling something other than your own hands and Ajax was making sure to show you all the places you could have never reached on your own.

You don’t even realize you’d begun panting, soft whines and moans had been leaving your lips forma while now, noises that only served to encourage Ajax further. But he had to stop, he needed you both to cum together as one. Your first time together had to be romantic like that, both of you climaxing together and coming undone at the same time.

There’s a feeling of emptiness and disappointment that follows the feeling of his fingers leaving your body, you’re about to complain when you see him bring his fingers to his lips to lap at the slick that had stuck to them. You’re mesmerized at the lewd image, gazing hopelessly at the way his face melted into one of pure pleasure as he tasted you. He makes sure to lick his fingers clean, his tongue lapping at the cum.

You catch his eyes and they soften, a lovestruck look taking over his features, you nod and open your legs wider than before; encouraging him to finally fuck you. He positions himself outside of your opening, making sure you grasp your legs and pull them as wide apart as he physically could without hurting you.

Even with the previous preparation, your breath is knocked out of your lungs as his tip slowly makes its way through your slit, past the muscles and finally inside your gummy walls.

He uses his arms to adjust his body, making sure to be as careful as possible as to not hurt you. This was your first time making love to each other, and he’d be damned if he were the one to cause you pain.

He gives you a second before pushing the rest in, he’s still slow, attempting to coax your body into adjusting to the feeling of being so full. His blue eyes are closed, his breath is heavy and you can feel the bed shake as he tries to control himself, you’re not faring much better, your head felt light as all your body could seemingly concentrate on was the feeling between your legs, your body was heating up and you could feel the warmth radiate off your skin.

You know he’s fully sheathed himself when you feel the soft “thud” of his balls hitting your ass, you’ve become hyper aware of the proximity and situation you’re in as his cock begins to throb inside of your pussy, his head comes to rest on the crook of your neck as you both adjust to the feeling of each other's body.

A moment passes, your walls that had previously been gripping Ajax like a lifeline slowly weaken, finally allowing both of you to relax and begin to experiment.

“I-I’ll start…” He mumbles, avoiding your gaze as if feeling shy, he begins to move around as if to grip the bed’s headboard, all while still inside you, his arms allowing him to cover your body from the world.

As you look up, you realize how he’s become all you see, his imposing frame and coat acting as a curtain blocking the outside from entering your view. Your heart feels heavy but you try and pay it no mind.

The movements are slow and clumsy at first, his cock never truly leaves your warmth fully, his tip always kept inside of your cunt - one way or another. The feeling is strange, you’re not used to the way his length would gaze at your walls or the feeling of the veins on his dick caressing spots inside of you that made you gasp and curl your toes. It’s new and it takes some adjusting before you begin to rock your own hips to meet his, suddenly it begins to feel good, really good in fact. There was something about the stretch, maybe it was the feeling of being so full, the way his cock curved and hit spongy spots in your pussy becomes addicting, or maybe it was the fat vein that decorated the underside of his cock, but it wasn’t long until you’re trying to entice a faster, tougher pace.

He takes his time teasing and easing you into the rhythm of sex, he wouldn’t tell you, but a part of him was scared that if he picked up his pace he wouldn’t be able to stop until you were leaking his cum - not to mention, he wasn’t sure he’d last long if he started to fuck you even faster. The feeling of your walls gripping him was divine, there are moments his thrusts grow unsteady and out of sync, as if his body was trying to take control and allow itself to set the animalistic pace he so desperately wanted, it’s these exact moments where his patience is tested, where he wants nothing more than to pick up your body and use it as a toy to fill with his semen.

“I wan’ more,'' you moan and he freezes as he feels your hips pathetically lift up to meet his heated thrust, your lower region coming up and rolling, rocking, and sloppily caressing his own pelvis in an attempt to suck him deeper into your sex, this was the first time you’d ever experienced such fullness and pleasure, your mind was numb and you’d forgotten all about previous sorrows, you truly wanted to feel more and more until all you could think of was Ajax’s cock and feeling good, “… wan’na feel my… my husband’s c-cock…?!”

At the title, the ginger truly can’t help the way his hips basically crash into yours, it was purely instinctual – just the sound of your calling him yours and acknowledging him as your husband, even if you’d only gotten engaged less than an hour ago, was enough to drive him mad with lust. He feels his head grow dizzy as thoughts of breeding you and claiming you as his take over. It’s as if a switch is turned on because from that moment onwards the atmosphere changed completely.

His previously considerate and soft strokes become harsh and rapid, you can feel your bed move rhythmically with his thrusts, your whole body jolts as he begins to fuck you with the sole goal of filling you so deeply your body was to be conditioned to respond lewdly to his mere presence. They’re deeper too as he now focused on feeling and claiming as much of your hole as possible, it’s impossible not to feel the way his cock imprinted itself deeply inside your body.

Your hands are desperate to grasp onto something, so you clutch at the sheets under you as tightly as possible, your body feels hot and heavy; your legs twitch and you're left gasping as Childe grabs your hips to adjust your position. You’re still lying down but your back arches itself to allow him easy access to your bottom, it’s surprising how easily he’s able to manhandle your body while never quite pulling out, always making sure to insert himself as quickly as he exited, never truly pulling out all of his dick.

The new position allows for him to hurry his pace, you’re soon moving like a rag doll with no control over your limbs. You’re left a moaning, whining mess as your brain struggles to process the waves of pleasure that bloomed from deep inside your pussy.

You feel your heart beating and you can almost hear the sound of your slick pouring out and lubricating your walls, making it increasingly easy to continue the Fatui’s pounding of your cunt. You’re not too sure if you’re even able to talk, the thought of forming a coherent sentence felt farfetched, all that leaves your lips are whines, sounds of pure pleasure and bliss that sound like an orchestra to Ajax.

He’s not doing much better, his vocabulary seems to have been reduced to declarations of ownership over you, boundless love, and immense pleasure. Your name soon becomes the only coherent sound leaving his lips as he lets his head fall back, his body almost working on autopilot as he allows his hips to ram inside you while his hands focus on teasing your nipples and forcing you to face his reddening face. His chest shines with sweat as he makes sure to fill the room with the sound of your skin meeting him and the growing wet mess between your merging bodies.

You’re both soon leaking arousal, Ajax’s cock starts to slowly redden and grow inside of you as he approaches orgasm, drops of precum start to form on the tip, and your torso starts to heat up as it feels heavier the better you feel; your cum is soon coating his dick white, a clear indicator he’d been inside your drooling cunt. You let go of the sheets and bring a hand to your clit, desperate to bring yourself closer to release.

“Ah-! Just like that,” Ajax exclaims, lurching forward as he feels your walls tighten around his cock, “tighten around me like that, fu–uck! I’m gonna cum, gonna cum in your pussy, gonna shoot my cum inside you… Haha–hah! You’re… you’re gonna be full with my cum, are you ready?”

You nod mindlessly, too busy playing with your clit and pressing kisses into Ajax’s skin. The feeling of being filled by your childhood sweetheart was intoxicating, it left you an overstimulated mess, moaning and whining as you gripped the man’s shoulders to bring him closer to you.

You couldn’t tell who came first, only that your final push was the feeling of Childe’s lips on yours. Maybe it’s the desperation you felt radiating off him as his tongue caressed your own, the way his hands tighten around your body as he begins unloading his cum begins seeping into your pussy and deep inside your body. You’re a shaking mess as you continue riding your orgasm on his dick, prolonging the pleasurable feeling by rocking your hips into his in an almost shy manner, it’s addicting and you’re left gasping and moaning for more. On the other hand, Ajax was trembling on top of you, his arms seemingly giving out as he collapsed into your body, allowing his head to rest beside your own on your pillows while his cock throbbed and painted your insides with his cum. He gives a few weak thrusts, as if making sure that his balls have been thoroughly emptied, before he looks over at your panting face.

You’re trying to catch your breath, desperately trying to calm your heart down into a stable rhythm, while your body twitches in a post-orgasm afterglow. You’re sweating, your eyes shut tight as you feel your pussy swell around Ajax’s dick, which was very much still inside you, and grow sensitive. Even in this state, where you’re too shaken to do anything other than breathe and try to relax your body, he thinks he’s never seen a more beautiful sight in his life.

His hand, which trembled ever so slightly, travels to find yours and intertwine your fingers together. He subconsciously traces your ring-finger, trying to estimate your size, you’d accepted his proposal, going as far as acknowledging him as your husband, it was now his responsibility to find a suitable ring for you, one worthy of resting on your fingers.

He smiles, cuddling deep into your bare skin, pressing his softening cock deeper into you, which earns him a soft whine from you, essentially plugging his semen inside your pussy.

“… I love you, Ajax.” You mumble, eyes still closed shut, your voice drowsy and far away as exhaustion slowly catches up to you. Today had been hard on you, physically and mentally, you’d learnt more than you’d wished to have known, your relationship with those around you now forever changed; you’d agreed to marry your childhood friend in response to your parents’ betrayal, you’d given up your virginity to him and now laid in bed, struggling to know if you’d made the right decisions. An inner turmoil was growing inside you, a storm of emotions you were not ready to deal with, but right now, as you lay beneath the man who’d promised to save you, you decide to rest and let him take care of it, for now. Your breathing slows down, your body finally succumbing to sleep.

You’re too tired to hear the sound of the front door unlocking, your mother’s voice booming across the house as she calls out for you as she ushers your father and guests inside your family house. Ajax makes no move to leave your bed or even remove himself from inside of you, not even as he recognizes the distinct sound of footsteps that belonged to your parents moving around downstairs, grinnin softly as he hears your mother call out for you again, while your father talked to someone and merrily laughed, joking around, easing the tension of the first meeting between two people set up in an arranged marriage – where only one of them knew.

He can hear your parents talking, making an excuse at where you were, he can hear your mother climb up the stairs, he can hear her getting closer to your room.

What a lousy move, he thought to himself, to ambush you one day and try to dump the news on top of you like this, you didn’t even seem aware of guests coming over to your home at all, he frowned; he had expected more of uncle and auntie. Alas, he’d long since given up on them, he just hopes your mother doesn’t scream too loudly when she sees you two in bed together.

He’d hate for you to wake up to such an awful shriek.

There’s a knock on your door, Ajax smiles but makes no move to answer, and then another as your mother calls out your name. She sighs before threatening to open the door, Ajax has to stifle a giggle, pressing his lips into your shoulder to not let out any noise, too afraid to ruin the surprise for his soon to be mother-in-law, she hears no response, she clearly feels agitated and annoyed, he can hear it the way she knocks once more with a stern calling of your name.

There’s a second of silence before the door is swung open.

Ajax looks over to your mother, his coat covering both your naked forms enough that a semblance of modesty is kept but not enough that what happened between the two of you was misunderstood, it would be clear to anyone who could walk in, and he smiles, leaning his body into your own, further embracing you and pushing your sleeping face into his chest, he rolls over as a playful wave is sent her way, she stands frozen in place. Your bottom halves are still covered by the oversized coat, but the bruises and bites that litter your bodies are enough to paint a picture, his hand moves to caress your body, a smug smile takes over his features as he watches your mother try to come up with the right words to say.

“Hello, ma’am,” his tone is playful but the look on his face is one of pure venom, she looks beyond flustered but isn’t able to say a word; too shaken by the sight, the combination of her daughter and a man in bed together and the Harbinger’s insignia that seemed to shine with even the smallest movements from the ginger was enough to send her stumbling back, “it’s been a while, we have a lot to catch up on, huh?”

[inkskinned]

so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.

this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.

somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.

i used betterhelp.

i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.

the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.

they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.

the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.

i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."

i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.

the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.

i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.

in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.

the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.

betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.

i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.

there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.

in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.

i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.