#'you want hard mode? got it'
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Li Chun: How can we die? There's nothing here!
Also Li Chun: immediately falls into a hole that opens up under his feet
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i haven't been this not okay in over a year and i do not miss it and i do not want it
#good to know i can still spiral this hard and catastrophize as well as i ever did DESPITE EVERY TECHNIQUE I KNOW.#and yoga. and breathing. and cold water and ice. and logic. and distractions. and thought reframing.#teeth aren't a moral judgement EXCEPT THEY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE#I feel like I'm going to ACTUALLY DIE. ACTUALLY DIE#I was JUST the other day so grateful it's been so long since I was mostly dissociated instead of mostly present and now all I want is to be#checked the FUCK out and also not exist so I don't have to go tomorrow#pull yourself together @ me you have objectively already survived much worse#and you have it much better than it could be#and worst case scenarios are still dealable-with even though they don't feel like it#unhelpfully. all my brain wants to do is tell every person i know that i'm freaked out and terrified and full of shame and guilt and dread#and want COMFORT AND ATTENTION#and it's like bitch you wouldn't even accept it if you asked and they DID give it to you. you are so fucked up right now. chill. OUT.#@ all of you I am SO sorry i'm liveblogging my breakdown today. i'm scared to open my journal and spiral more so this is all I've got#I'll be done with this mode by the end of tomorrow I promise#shh katie
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it’s the 90s in my monkee universe where davy lost his mom young like he did irl and they are watching the land before time because, yknow it seemed like a cool newer movie and peter LOVES don bluth films so they happened to pick it up from a video store after it left theaters so they’re all at home on the couch snuggled up and then they get to the scene where the sharp tooth attacks and mike sees it coming and has a hand on davys arm immediately and sure enough theres a dying mother scene.
davy stiffens a bit but says he’s fine and so mike squeezes davys hand a bit but then eventually davy starts to sniffle and mikes like “okay that’s it micky pause it.” and despite it having been so many years since his mom passed and him having been so young at the time, something still hits davy, especially seeing a kid in denial that his mom is going away because he just assumed she’d always be there!
but davy is determined to push past most of his babyish ways of the past so he keeps assuring mike (who is holding his face and looking into his eyes) that he’s fine between breaths. but mike is in full mumma mode because davy became his baby forever and always, and they turn the film back on and it’s all fine but mike holds davy extra tight and snuggles up to him throughout the rest of the watch and davy can’t help but push himself into mike and cling onto his shirt because mike is there for him and he does love him so much.
#the monkees#mike nesmith#davy jones#peter tork#micky dolenz#mumma mike#this is something i don’t know if ive ever actually typed out but i got randomly into the land before time a while ago and thought of this#davybaby#or… post davybaby i suppose?#in this they’re older cause it’s the 90s and after his father passed in 72 davy started regressing real hard#(mostly after one really lonely trip to england to help with his father)#(he had some panic attacks because suddenly he was thrust back into evrything he left and called mike in the middle of the night freaking#out because he felt all alone and mike promised he’d never#have davy go to england alone and that he’d stay with him next time)#so throughout a lot of the 70s davy is on and off baby mode pretty hard#and at some point in the 80s he decides to try to stop it and goes all stoic and NOT little#but mike is now so attached to his little one and davy… despite trying to act like he’s not… is so attached to mike#and mike wants davy to be able to do what he wants but is also conflicted because it’s definitely not good for davy to ignore his emotions#which the guys usually helped him process through regressing#they all figure it out don’t worry it’s just hard for davy but he’s got his friends. they’ve all got each other and they love each other so#so much#and davy gets so many snuggles and hugs and kisses don’t you worry#okay goodnight folks i’m sorry for the lil davy rants
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last night i went from "man i really love this one song from jem and the holograms, i should make an animatic for it" to "if i did make an animatic, this would probably be the best song for my canon take on Eclipse in Soldered Wires! FNAB SB, maybe I should make a sketch of him" to "this song is v glamrock what if Eclipse was an decommisioned glamrock animatronic version of the Daycare Attendant" to "THIS SONG IS VERY POMPOUS WHAT IF ECLIPSE IS A BAD GUY IN CANON OF THE PIZZAPLEX LORE" to "I GUESS IM DOING STEEL WOOL'S JOB BC ECLIPSE IS GONNA BE THE VILLAIN THAT GLAM FREDDY AND THE KIDS FIGHT AGAINST IN FAZER BLAST"
the main design i'm happy with, still in debate on the coloring
#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#fnaf security breach#soldered wires au#soldered wires#fnaf eclipse#eclipse serves as the final boss for kids participating in the hard mode of fazer blast#he is essentially if darth vader met the phantom of the opera#he got four arms to shoot four kids at the same time#the fights between glamrock fred and eclipse are so MELODRAMATIC it puts immortal & restless to shame#if you ever wanted to know what adhd looks like its this
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I think my run's bugged as Gale just hasn't asked for a single artifact at all. Which is great for me ngl, free extra gold when i need to sell stuff.
But god, the angst potential of him feeling the weave underneath his chest strain, fight and claw at him, desperate and hungry like the starved beast it is. Feeling himself on the edge of death constantly but not wanting to burden his companions with the matter. Not wanting to burden you with the matter. So he just continues on, prenteding that there isn't something eating away at him inside, that he isn't a ticking time bomb quite literally waiting to explode.
#i haven't had the cutscene where he says 'yeah bro i dont think magic items can sustain me anymore'#so he just#isn't hungry. at all. ever.#save-time im at 9h (reality of like- fucking 20 because i forgot to save and missed a romance flag; leaving no fun magic at teifling party.#instead i just got him lookin at mystra :penisve:. this was the cool and epic magic you wanted to show me? minor illusion? man.)#anyway actual tags now:#bg3#gale of waterdeep#gale dekarios#bg3 gale#baldurs gate 3#act 1 spoilers#baldurs gate 3 spoilers#i guess? its only act 1 though#but yeah no he's just. never asked for one#and im almost done cleaning up act 1.#so like- angst mode activate#yes im romancing him also btw. because. gale :) man sold himself HARD with the kittybird.
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"Hard mode has been unlocked"
What do you mean hard mode has been unlocked???? There's a harder mode than the one i was on??????
#If you tell me i need to replay the whole game on hard mode to get something im gonna UUGH AZOIJGAEOIRGJ#Joking joking i don't think it's that anyway#though maybe one day after like a while of not playing this game i'll try the hard mode#also!!!#I do like that i got to hear the great main menu theme in this credit roll....#But like#I really really wanted it to be against Metroid Prime#I know I know Metroid Prime fight theme is the same as the first part of the menu like a remix and all#but what i wanted was the other iconic one!!#the DOOOO. DOO DOO DOOOOOOO!!#You know???#oijieroij im just rambling#Metroid Prime#Mabu plays Metroid
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Void Stranger is good and I want to like it but BY GOD can it be annoying
#void stranger spoiler warning for the rest of these tags#do not fucking read them!#i am putting a lot of disclaimers to try and protect people!#i've tried twice to beat the game voided and both times i got the stupid fucking black statue thing during the end sequence#and i think i need to do this because i'm not good at puzzles#so i want the unlimited locusts brand for lily mode#but apparently if you get sent back by that piece of shit it doesn't fucking count#(Also i know being voided 'doesn't' affect anything in hard mode)#(but i want all the memory crystals)#also I think I accidentally spoiled myself on 2 major lore revelations ):#so i know about. 1: the longer names and 2: the crossover#i'm hooooping there are still surprises to discover and enjoy?#but that's been disheartening#also I still don't know what makes the smiling figure show up (aside from the first time)?#I read in the hint-through that one of the brand rooms was supposed to explain#but uhhh#i never saw anything like that...#void stranger#system erasure#is there a fandom
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no seriously y'all on these two manips i fix junko's hair to the red first and just both times you're so pretty, you're SO pretty and then i get her eyes to the red. but just like every time with her hair. just. wow.
junko you didn't need to bleach your hair to trash and back man you could have been ultimate fashionista just fine.
(i know there are very intentional layers to the ultimate gyaru thing, and that required her to have blonde/pink hair. but like. ugh, baby girl, your natural hair color is GORGEOUS, it just IS.)
#musings#bandit#to be fair#as a redhead#she probably got compliments on her hair color#and like#i like them!#but junko would get 1) bored and think that it's 2) predictable#so#-shrugs-#i get it you wanted hard mode but /ugh/ junko your red hair is /gorgeous/#it is a /look/
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#it actually makes me sick like physically ill how much praise is heaped onto goyishe american leftists#people who could not point to gaza on a map six months ago. whose knowledge of middle east history comes from outdated textbooks and twitte#for being anti imperial activists and well educated anti imperialists with all the right buzzwords and all the right opinions#meanwhile nothing i say will ever be good enough bc i'm jewish and palestinians are tokenized by people who care more about appearing#like someone who Listens to Palestinians as opposed to 1) doing anything material to help them (like donating money)#and 2) not spreading obvious misinformation. something that does material damage to the cause of liberation#AND further fuels the most insidious of zionist propaganda which relies on the antisemitism of ignorant western goys#this propaganda banks on their antisemitism bc it's that fucking reliable#every white western goy that harasses jews or spreads misinfo about jews or is straight up just racist towards random israeli immigrants#ppl living in the west like running coffee shops that are now having their windows smashed bc that what? supports palestinian liberation?#makes it that much easier for actual zionist propagandists to say 'see. this was never about imperialism. they want an excuse to harm you.'#'you are only safe with us'#i grew up in a cauldron of this kind of propaganda and i was playing on hard mode i got it from the orthodox#it took years of dutiful unlearning. of wrestling with some really difficult realities. of realizing that i'd been not only lied to#but information had been deliberately kept from me to keep me from knowing the true depths of the horror happening in gaza#i did not get the luxury of starting to care about this six months ago during a concerted effort to correct the record#i had to put in the effort to unlearn two decades of propaganda given to me so young i don't remember a time when i didn't know it#and i am by far not the only jew with this experience#i have put in way more effort to care about this than every white western goy with a megaphone posting palestinian flags on IG#but none of that matters bc i am a jew and for the last 5000+ years we don't get to decide how we're discussed or how we're remembered#never mind how many jewish voices (and yes! even israeli voices!) have been supporting liberation efforts in palestine for years.#who've done an amazing job reaching more people who need help seeing through the propaganda they were raised on#i can only be a token who speaks only in protest chants or i can be an evil zionist. the anti imperial work doesn't matter.#bc anti imperial work is hard and none of them actually want to do it they just want the protest photos#anyway this is why i don't discuss this on the piss on the poor website. tbh i don't trust y'all
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Granblue on my mobile browser performs so much better than on my phone it's kind of terrifying. I don't have to mash the skill button in raids lol
#textpost#If I beat the hard difficulty version of the RPG mode in GBVS I can get 10k gems.... Thinking about it....#GBVS is a piece of piss after playing GG and Percival is basically Order Sol so I can't imagine it being too hard#10.000 gems is an stupid good amount. That's like 35 pulls on the gacha#I keep getting all my friends' waifus in GB and none of mine lmao Got Yuel tonight#When will I get one of the dragon knights.... Fingers crossed for the anniversary event...#Some people on Reddit were saying that they might give out a character pick ticket (Siero Ticket?)#I'm not going to hold my breath because that sounds like an insane thing to hand out#But the winter holiday events were CRAZY generous so I'm sure whatever they'll do for a 10 year anni will be killer#I could also just like. Buy the newbie pack that comes with the ticket too lol Not that desperate though#I waited 6 years to get a character I really wanted in Puzzle & Dragons. My patience is adamantine#(Mega Awoken Phantom God Odin... I may not play pnd anymore but I'll never forget you...)
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having a significantly dire self-confidence go lately, so i've been using all my spare moments with attempting to finish my daughter's cross-stitch project i started 2 years ago. i really hate feeling this way.
#i am well aware that i need to change my creation mode#away from someone who creates for other people#it's just that i've got fucking 13 years of internalized failure#that i'm trying to navigate through#and i gotta admit it's been a real fucking slog of a shitshow#in my god damn brain the past few months#i'm trying very hard to give myself grace#because over a decade of failure isn't going to be something i get over so quickly#but also sometimes i want to SCREAM at people#DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO LET GO OF SOMETHING#THAT YOU FUCKING STAKED YOUR WHOLE LIFE ON#FOR THAT FUCKING LONG#no positives no success stories#you just fucking failed#the fact that i'm writing at all anymore#is probably a god damn miracle#but god damn sometimes i just need someone to throw me a FUCKING LIFE PRESERVER#while i'm DROWNING
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loki season two has me screaming crying throwing up trying not to get dragged back into the mcu trenches
#i am stronger than this. i am better than this!!#by the trenches i mean consuming fanfiction at an unhealthy rate. fourteen year old me was insane i think i was on ao3 more than i slept#that’s not exaggeration. i was getting four hours of sleep on school nights and frequently went to bed at 5am on weekends#it is ONE good story. one. literally not worth it. i don’t even care about ninety percent of the mcu characters#i will ignore the little voice in my head reminding of the sheer amount of fanfiction. this was my pre-tumblr days#so my fandom interaction was like. youtube and ao3. maybe instagram posts sometimes. it was so much fun like. zero drama zero discourse#i was honestly living my best life. got less interested when i joined tumblr and went full doctor who mode#and after endgame i watched i think wandavision and loki and that was it. just didnt care anymore lol#i know exactly why this is happening tho. currently the thing i am insane about is my own damn project. which i am in the process of writin#for obvious reasons no fandom there. bc it lives in my mind twenty four fucking seven#i do wonder if i’m kind of growing away from fandom anyway? the closest i’ve got since toh ended was homestuck tbh#i want to feel obsessed with something again!! everything i’m into now - tma tlt and the like - i love them#but it doesnt hit like it used to. i don’t know it’s hard to explain#like video essays that i would have loved a few years ago!! the hour long ones about representation and queer media#they just irritate me now! i got halfway through one last week and had to bail i just could not care less#how did 2020 social media have me convinced that x character being gay was super important politically economically socially etc#ofc the answer is that i was a baby lesbian getting even less social interaction than normal#like representation is important obviously but also. sometimes it was not that deep#i don’t know if i’m making sense tbh but you get my drift#morganposting
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I think i gotta be firmly offline for a few days ngl
#personal tag#im noticing im like constantly angry again#and while it isn’t uncommon for me to be angry. its noticably worse today#could be the heat could be hormones adding onto stuff#but im also getting fed like. a lot of rage bait stuff again#plus the bungie layoffs r pissing me off real hard#I encourage you all strongly to just fucking drop it. just leave it.#if this is how the company and leadership wants to treat their staff; the game can die.#im stealing my fav characters n I encourage yall to do the same#anyeay im making jokes bc it legit. is making my blood boil thinking abt the amount of people laid off#like idk many bungie people by name but i know who robert brookes is. and ur telling me he got laid off?#insane. i saw a tweet of someone who got laid off today. their maternity leave would start next week#bungie can crash and burn. god. im livid.#anyway yea#that whole situation seems to have fully tipped my brain into Anger Constantly mode#which isnt fun for anyone#so i gotta like. decompress. and not doomscroll. yknow
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Dear horror youtubers who write video essays explaining and examining extraordinary works of horror that I deeply want to see and understand but will literally never be able to safely watch due to my own trauma - thus providing me with a way to learn from and connect to works of art that would be otherwise forever inaccessible to me,
I love you.
youtube
#original#horror#final girl studios#if this youtuber is on tumblr someone should tag her#LOVE the idea of a girl coming of age and becoming monstrous but now obsessed with how they described this movie as#'a girl coming of age and finding that the people AROUND her have become monsters to her'#fucking. brilliant! thank you for giving me a way to learn from and enjoy this movie! i am more sure than ever that i should not watch it!#but i am so grateful to you for giving me such a gift! how wonderful!#that said - folks please be very cognizant of the warnings at the beginning of the video. there were still parts I had to look away from#also it was cathartic experiencing this movie from this POV bc 'the horror of girlhood being validated' is healing tbh#it was HORRIFYING being a little girl who became a teenage girl! and no one seemed to care what girl-children went through!#I mean folks were dismissive of kids in general but teen girls and little girls are like. a Joke to a lot of people.#everything we liked was ridiculed. and our fears held similarly little weight to adults. and yet. The Horror of Girlhood is so Real.#I Can Only Imagine how much more girls of color were dismissed and targeted and dehumanized.#and then you've got the little Trans girls and teens - who were playing The Horror of Girlhood on like. Nightmare Hard Mode.#the specific horror of girlhood for me as a transmasc AFAB person meant that the existential horror of being seen as a girl#meshed with my gender dysphoria in a way I did not have the language for and would not for many years to come#like the internalized misogyny and the gender dysphoria were literally impossible to parse apart. i couldn't tell which was which.#i just knew i HATED being a girl and i wanted it to STOP. and it was mostly because of how people treated girls.#like it probably took me longer to figure out my gender because of that.
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see the problem with all of the puzzles in bg3 is like. sometimes the player (me) is stupid. and at least in a real dnd game you might get the dm to take pity on you
#the number of ‘’walkthroughs’’ that i’ve found that don’t actually. help#they tell you the map coordinates or whatever. what about if i cannot physically find what you’re talking about AT THOSE COORDINATES#or cannot figure out how to get to those coordinates (like when i spent three days trying to find karlach)#i’m in hell. actually still having a very hard time getting invested and like. not rly enjoying this game lmao#I AM PLAYING ON EXPLORER MODE AND SOMEONE GOES DOWN IN ALMOST EVERY COMBAT#also just. open world syndrome a little bit#too many quests that apparently i can’t actually move forward in yet. and too much open space#making me feel like. i need to go explore and grind when i just want to finish the quests i already have good lord#idrc about exploring every corner of the map. at this point???#tried going into the mountain pass and it was like ‘hey you’re really low level. reconsider <3’ and im like#literally WHAT is there to do for me here#(it wanted me to go to the underdark. which i figured would progress the story so i was trying to find lae’zel’s crèche while we’re here??)#also on a non gameplay note#inSANE that all of the questlog items for daughter of darkness list her and i having interactions that We Did Not#got to act 2 and she’s like ‘hey i worship shar btw. this is supposed to be a reveal’ but like. the quest log told me that immediately??#was i not supposed to read that?? she never told me that she wanted to join the justiciars. i never gave her the idol.#but it said all of those happened???#maybe i’m biased bc my first save was trying to play as her but it REALLY feels like they’re pushing her to be the main character#like. kinda sucks how she’s the only companion you can check in with and say ‘how do you think we’re doing’#and these fucking controls#why are the items hit boxes so weird. my cursor is a centimeter away and yet it still highlights something#the label isn’t actually next to the thing it’s describing so holding the alt key does nothing to show me where it is#god forbid you try to point at something through an open door#the fucking. camera angles. impossible to see what i’m doing or where i’m going because the trees and walls and shit keep getting in the way#straight up not having a good time#but this was a lot of money and i’ve heard it picks up#when tho#also the fact that i rly like wyll and he’s got like. nothing. id heard he has less content than other origins but#didn’t realize it was to a noticeable extent#maybe it’ll pick up and give him more to talk about once i save his dad. please god
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homestuck fans when theres no rhyme or reason to the trickster designs and its literally just a jumbled mess of hideous colors and vague candy themes which means theres no consistency to analyze to help with making fan designs
#now imagine if you will a very distraught face. because i cant be bothered adding an image#ANYWAYSSSSSSS i wanted 2 try making one but god its just so hard bc theres so many fucking colors and i suck at coloring anyway#i tried analyzing them to the best of my abilities to see if there was any consistency i could go off of......... but no theres Nothing#the only thing is that their cheek swirls are the same color as their pestechum colors. and thats it#even the outfits are different it seems to be slightly altered versions of their original outfits?#like roxy was wearing her purple knit dress when she got bonked but it was still her original outfit afterwards#their hair colors dont make sense their shoe colors dont make sense their head ornaments make a LITTLE sense..........#jakes and dirks are the most obvious. pumpkin and orange soda its like their thing i guess#janes being a muffin makes sense cuz crockercorp baker etc etc#roxys makes the least sense...... i dont think there was ever any mention of cotton candy for her aside from when caliborn wanted his weird#smut to be color coordinated for whatever reason#whenever i make otufits its usually just varying shades of the same 3 or so colors so trickster designs are a nightmare#even my old trickster mode trollsona was like. 3 colors total LOL#not to mention i wanted to make this design for my trollsona. and we only ever saw humans in trickster mode#and looking at older fanart didnt help cuz everyone had decided unanimously that the canon designs sucked ass (they did)#and in the future we should all give each character a food or somthing similar to base the whole design off of (good decision)#blehh. i give up its too much of a pain-_-#anyway. maybe i really am sick i think i need to lay down#already slept literally all day but im still so tired..........#i took painkillers and allergy meds in case of cat hair on bed but i still feel groggy as fuck#well whatever. itll probably go away soon i never really stay sick for long
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