#'well you were a good fit for CBT when you referred to us'

[ohbutwheresyourheart]

me: I just feel so hopeless. I've been making all of the recommended changes to my life - cutting out alcohol, eating healthily, exercising, in therapy - and nothing is helping me feel even slightly better. In fact, if anything I feel like I'm getting worse. I don't know what to do and I need help. therapist: well you can't expect to lose 100lbs overnight :\

[thedreadvampy]

after the cbt post I'm really unsure if I even want to apply for counselling now

the whole point of looking for therapy was to get help but if it makes things worse then maybe I should just carry on trying to do it myself?

I don't fuckin know

that was meant to be my out for feeling like this what the fuck do I do now

Like. First off this is about CBT, not about counseling generally, which has been really useful once I've found the right process. I don't know if you're in the UK or not, but while accessing NHS counseling hasn't always been easy and it took a while to find the right fit, when I did get a counselor and approach that fit my needs it jumped my healing forwards by miles, it really can be a lifesaver (plus tbh if you're really deep in the doldrums, it can help just by giving you some structure and space). Don't stop looking for counseling because it absolutely can make a huge positive difference, I don't know where I'd be without the counseling I got from the rape crisis center and the NHS. There's a lot of types of therapy/counselling out there and what works for you isn't something I can predict - for me what I've reacted to best is freeform talk therapy, but other people find that really hard to engage with and prefer more structured or theoretical therapies, and the NHS offer a lot of different ones (they just tend to jump to CBT first).

So, beyond that; some people do find CBT really helpful. But the way the NHS specifically uses CBT is outside its recommended use, which is treatment for OCD, BPD, anxiety and some PTSD symptoms (although not PTSD itself). The NHS basically uses it as a first stop for pretty much all mental health patients as far as I can tell (because, as I say, it's cheap and easy to apply) so, much like most people with MH problems I know have been on Citalopram (which is their first stop SSRI), most people I know with MH problems have been to CBT sessions. And with that range of problems, most of them won't find what they need in CBT, which, again, despite how it's currently used, is not designed as a general purpose treatment but specifically to help manage repetitive thought and behaviour patterns.

For some people, managing thought and behaviour patterns is what they need, at least temporarily. My partner found it very helpful to keep him out of breakdown territory during a hard time, and so have several friends I know (seems to have positive impacts particularly on friends diagnosed with BPD bc BPD diagnostic criteria, which focus on intense reaction and toxic thought spirals, line up really well with what CBT is designed to help with).

I think the way in which it's harmed me and others isn't the actual treatment, but the fact that it's treated as if it Should Work and that can make you feel way worse if everyone tells you 'CBT and mindfulness is a magic cure that fixes all your brain problems' and then it. doesn't. because your specific problem isn't what is designed to fix. and I think that harm is mitigated by knowing that a) what works for you is highly personal even within diagnoses, b) at the time you get CBT you probably don't have a concrete diagnosis beyond Something Ain't Right and c) CBT, even when it's right for you, isn't meant to be the end point.

CBT is, specifically, a stop-gap. It's meant to help you keep going with your life while you sort stuff out. Again, because of budget reasons the NHS kind of hope that your problems won't be too bad so that CBT will give you a good enough stable starting point to sort your own shit out without further support, which does work for some people, but for most of us CBT should be part of a larger treatment journey if used at all. CBT is a bandage - it doesn't close the wound, but where it works it stops you bleeding out long enough to either get to a hospital or for your body to heal itself.

I'm not going to lie to you - for a lot of us, getting through to the point where we're accessing the right treatment can be a slog. And because of how the NHS works, it can mean going to CBT, finding it doesn't work for you, and gritting your teeth through a six session course so you can go back to your doctor and say 'see, this didn't work for me and the CBT people agree, what else ya got?' My partner's just sat through 14 sessions of group therapy he found extremely stupidly designed specifically because sometimes that's what you gotta do to get referred on for one-on-one talk therapy, which is what he actually needs.

Like I say, the harm comes when you're made to feel like you're failing therapy. You don't fail therapy. Therapy that isn't working just isn't the right setup for you for whatever reason and that's not a flaw in you, there is no universal catchall therapeutic method. It's always going to be trial and error and if you are able to hold in mind that you're not Bad for finding a counseling style or methodology unhelpful, off-putting or alienating, then badly-fitted therapy shouldn't be nearly as harmful as trying to struggle on manfully alone.

The hardest but most rewarding part for me was the process of learning that I could just say 'this isn't working for me because XYZ, can we try a different approach' and...nothing bad would happen. I wouldn't lose my access to counseling and nobody shouted at me, and when I said 'this isn't working can we change it'...things got better. I was having an absolutely shit and frustrating time with my NHS counselor, I was finding going to counseling a huge stress, and after stewing for a couple of weeks I blew up and said 'I don't like this, this or this, I feel talked down to when you do this, I don't feel like you're listening to me about this, and this thing you're doing keeps making me feel worse' and he got defensive. but he also. changed his practise immediately. and we ended up having a really fantastic and productive 6 months of counseling and I am in private therapy now but I keep referring back to the work he and I did together because it was so useful for me.

So like the takeaways for me are a) know that the fact that this counseling might suck for you doesn't mean counseling in general won't be helpful, there's always going to be some trial and error to find the right fit, b) if it does suck, don't suffer in silence, tell them! if you're sitting there hating it, they're not getting anything out of that either so just let them know that you're uncomfortable, finding it hard to engage, etc (I know this can be really hard and I know for me I only started being able to push back when I was already a couple of years into my treatment journey but do what you can do to communicate your fears) and c) when it works it works.

Getting counseling that works is a journey. It can be wearing and esoteric and a pain in the ass, and sometimes you just don't click with a therapy and sometimes you just don't click with the counselor, but it is absolutely worth pushing through the bullshit because a) change often happens gradually while you're not looking and b) finding a concept who works for you absolutely can change your life super fast. It took me a couple of tries but when I found a counselor and approach that worked for me I managed within 16 sessions to get out of my house, to get a job I liked for the first time, to go out and meet people for the first time in a city I'd been in for 3 years, and to cut out a lot of the people who were making my life unsafe. It's so worth it but it is a journey that takes time and trial and error, so the sooner you start the sooner you're likely to get somewhere that helps you.

[beautifuldarkmind]

tw // s*lf harm, su*cidal ideation (sorry)

Hey, it’s the creepy NHS anon here.

Thank you for responding to my ask! I’m sorry you had such a rough time getting a diagnosis. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Honestly it sucks that the NHS is so reluctant to diagnose anything mental health related.

When I was 14 I thought I had depression and anxiety. I finally convinced my mum to take me to the doctors when I was 16. The doctor was super nice. She tested my thyroid function just to make sure nothing else was causing my feelings, then referred me to CAMHS. That was…an interesting experience. I remember asking my counsellor to diagnose me, but then at the next session she said she couldn’t, that it “wouldn’t be helpful” because I was still growing. Now that I think about it, one of the days I was at school and during a class I was furious for some reason. I even said to a classmate that I was willing to fight anyone who got in my way. Despite my mum disagreeing with me, I cancelled my appointment that day. (My mum was worried they’d stop my sessions all together if I cancelled, but they didn’t.)

Fast toward to recent years and I’ve been on and off attempting to get a diagnosis. Last year (so when I was about 18) I asked to be referred to the autism clinic, and thankfully the GP accepted, but the clinic is still closed and even when it’s open I’ll still have to wait, possibly several years. Then I made another appointment (different GP) to be referred to a psychiatrist. She refused, saying that GPs are trained to deal with mental health issues. I brought up OCD, so she asked where I got my information from. When I told her I researched it online, she just brushed it off and then did the typical depression/anxiety test and she said both were severe, then said “take some drugs” (which is didn’t because I didn’t trust taking drugs prescribed by someone who did a 3 minute yes/no type quiz without actually fully exploring my issues).

I spoke to a different GP just over a month ago to get a fit note for my Universal Credit. It was supposed to just be to make adjustments to what I was supposed to do, but he didn’t ask what the note was for, so he marked unfit for work. Which is great because that’s secretly what I wanted but feared being judged by people around me for thinking I needed that (particularly my parents). I mentioned that I thought I could have OCD and CPTSD, and he didn’t deny it but he simply said CBT helps for both. He then asked if I was currently doing CBT and I said I’d done it before but I quit. (That’s a whole other story but tldr I really don’t think it was for me, or at least the “therapist” wasn’t.) He said he would send a self referral link.

Fast forward to a few days ago and I had another appointment with him to discuss my fit note (because it only lasts for a month and you have to go back to renew it, which sucks). He asked if I had referred myself to CBT and I said I hadn’t yet because I didn’t want to, and he said “please do that for me” in a somewhat stern voice. I then brought up BPD and I think he said he would refer me? Honestly I was a bit overwhelmed because he called 40 mins early and I was in the car with my dad, so I was super weary of him asking questions about what I was saying to the doctor (but he didn’t). He then brought up PD support groups, which I’m considering doing, but you have to call up the place and I literally hate phone calls. Oh, speaking of which, all the appointments from the autism one onwards were all on the phone, so not only was I struggling to process what they were saying to me most of the time, but I was also so anxious that I couldn’t articulate my feelings properly. :)

Anyways, I am 20 now, which I only mention because I feel the same as what you mentioned. My brother is married, my childhood crush is married, my friend who I introduced to my friend group who then proceeded to discard me is getting married. Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. They all have friends. But not me. I haven’t had friends since I was 14, and even then I don’t think that friend group was entirely wholesome. They made me feel like an outcast, like I was weird, that I needed to be more like them and not be like me. Which has probably contributed to me having a very vague sense of identity. And I feel like I’m still 14 and yet everyone is expecting me to behave like an adult. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life even tho I literally cried in the shop when I was pressured to choose between 2 pizzas.

I have no support system. My own parents seem very dismissive of my problems, equating everything to social anxiety. When I’m stressed out of mind to the point of feeling suicidal, my parents say “that’s just life”, which…well, feeds into the feelings. For years I’ve felt stressed. Then if I’m not stressed I feel absolutely nothing. And if I’m not feeling empty I am angry, sometimes for no reason. And if I’m not angry, I am curled in a ball trying to bottle up the urge to self harm and batting away suicidal thoughts.

It’s like I have a huge chain pulling me down underwater and everyone else is in the beach drinking cocktails or something. Sometimes I thrash and try to get people to notice, but people think I’m just having fun. Other days I just feel like letting the chain pull me down.

Please forgive me for rambling and probably not having a very consistent train of thought in this post. I have a tendency to blab on about my “problems” (if they even are that), I guess as a way to connect? Idk. This post makes no sense.

I hope you’re having a good day. <3

- 🌸✨ (in case I send another ask again, but I’ll try not to because I don’t wanna bother you)

So sorry you're going through something similar. My GP sounded exactly how yours was, the typical anxiety/depression test and then just throwing those at you.. they dont seem to be trained in diagnosing and they dont want to hear anything more either. It's honestly almost impossible getting a diagnosis through them, the system here is really messed up... its just disappointing and seems to be failing so many people including you.

It does sound like you're going through a hard time, it's not nice especially when you feel a loss of self identity, you dont even know who you are and just feel lost in life. I think that was definitely the main point of realising something was up.. I had a VERY distorted view of myself and others around me and that was why I'd often self sabotage everything and then I'd feel so empty and angry at the world and just explode...

If you can go privately then do so, therapists are not able to diagnose and they will usually tell you 'we don't like to label' but even without a diagnosis you can still see if you can access DBT therapy. Amazon also has lots of DBT workbooks that I've used and its helped me to really understand myself!

If you often feel invalidated by your parents then that is known to cause BPD or borderline traits, especially if you've been suffering with mental illness in childhood and they tried to claim that it was nothing....you mentioned anxiety and I was told the approach my parents may have took to my severe anxiety is what brought on many of my symptoms of BPD. You start to feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way because your caregivers make it seem like the issue isnt important and you feel as if your feelings dont matter also because that is how you have been made to feel.

I'm not saying this is definitely the cause but in my case I was told that the constant feeling of invalidation may be why I have such a warped idea of myself and why I cannot regulate my emotions. I was never told HOW to regulate or shown how to, just told to ignore my emotions and now I dont know how to deal with them😀

but yeah I'd really recommend taking a look at some of those dbt books online or reading more into it so you have a better understanding of yourself. You've already taken the first step and that's identifying that something may be wrong so you are self aware and clearly want to change for the better 💕

I hope everything works out for you, it's not nice feeling this way but you've got this 🥺🙌

[teeforhee]

Fuck, I'm not sure I'll ever get over how much CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health service, it's the under-18s mental health service in Scotland) let me down as a kid.

It's like this. You're 11 and you're traumatised but you're scared of using that word, you don't know if you're allowed it, but you are traumatised. And you're so anxious you can't breathe most of the time, you can't sit down and speak to any of your friends, you can do your school work but you keep falling apart and everything feels like it's getting worse all the time. You don't fit in, you're weird and awkward but your schoolwork is good so you aren't worrying about your grades, you're not even sure why you feel this way (it's unprocessed trauma, but again, you don't feel like you're allowed that word). You're s/hing and struggling with suicidal ideation, and you're lucky enough to still trust authority figures, so you do what everyone says you should. You trust an adult. And she calls your GP, who is another adult you choose to trust, who you bare your heart to with all of these symptoms that make your feel sick to even acknowledge, and then they make you an appointment with CAMHS. You came in asking for treatment. They referred you to CAMHS. They did not explain what CAMHS was other than what the letters stood for. That's okay - it's treatment, right? They're gonna help. You can talk this through and they'll help- just gotta be careful you don't get institutionalised. You don't want that, yet.

You talk to a CAMHS worker. She's a psychologist. She says it's very likely you have autism to your mother after your first session. Your mother broaches the topic gently. You are overjoyed: there's an answer! oh fuck, this explains so much! but it's not treatment. It's a word. The psychologist puts you on a waiting list and you have 22 sessions of CBT with her, trying to unpack your trauma and trying to build up coping skills. So many of them feel like just denying the truth, so many of them feed into your magical thinking ("the one thing you can control is your thoughts, you must always control your thoughts, good things will happen when you control your thoughts and stop thinking the bad thoughts"), but it's treatment, mostly. You stop seeing her twice- once because you are trying to develop an eating disorder and having a mental health professional who wants to hear how you're doing is totally cramping your style (I wasn't actually trying to develop an ED really, I was trying to cope in ways other than s/h, in ways that felt honest to the situation and real and gave me a sense of control that "controling my thoughts" just wasn't doing). You come back for recovery. You tell her you want an eating plan. By the time she even considers an appointment with a nutritionist, you've moved past that stage in your recovery on your own. You stop seeing her again because you get into an abusive relationship who doesn't really like you having contact with people who aren't him, and he super super doesn't like you not being able to talk to him for a whole hour every week. That part isn't their fault: no one could be gotten me out of that until I decided to; believe me, everyone around me tried, and it didn't work until I wanted I to, the third time.

But I left, again, I was without support for 6 months, and when I came back it was after my father (the earliest source of my trauma) had died. They take 4 sessions compiling evidence as to what treatment i needed going forward, without telling me that was what they were doing (I was trying to build trust with an adult again after 6 months of constant reinforcing that I couldn't trust anyone but my abuser), and then an appointment with a psychiatrist and your mother and a new psychologist. They dismiss and justify the symptoms that most worry me, they have at this point turned down my request to be institutionalised multiple times (including after an aborted suicide attempt, I presume they thought that was fine because made it clear that I did want to live), and they say at the end of the meeting that they are going to give me an official diagnosis of autism and that after that CAMHS has nothing more to offer me.

They say that if after 22 sessions with a psychologist I am still struggling so much (bear in mind that probably close to half of those sessions I was concealing factors that were actively making my mental health worse and which were traumatising me) I clearly can't gain anything more from their service, and anyway, autism isn't a mental illness and CAMHS as a service can only help while waiting for/trying to get a diagnosis, or if you have a diagnosis or a disorder for which they could provide specialist treatment. My very obvious PTSD? nah, no big-T Traumas, and c-ptsd is way too hard to diagnose. I receive a hilarious letter detailing all of the evidence (I mean genuinely insightful but also fucking hilarious and I do want to note down funniest bits and post them hear at some point, stuff like "unusual speech was noted, (exclamations of 'wacky!' while describing his symptoms)") and then they refer me to a charity which, at time of writing, I have had 1 assessment phone call with, and am waiting for a call back for my next and first proper appointment.

They did not inform me when I was first referred that CAMHS is a diagnostic and specialist treatment service and if they did (this was well over two years ago now, I don't remember word-for-word what my GP told me), they did not tell me that meant that they would kick me out to a charity once they figured they couldn't label me with anything requiring specialist treatment. During our last sessions they were unyeildingly focussed on the trauma of my father dying and of the "shock" of my diagnosis (that I had been waiting for for 2 years. yes, very shocking/s) when those were not my biggest problems. My relationship with my father is complex and I won't get into it here, but suffice it to say that his death was the last step on a very, very long journey, and honestly one of the least traumatising.

I let them keep the focus there because I desperately hate talking about the actual, recent, debilitating trauma of being in lockdown with an abusive partner for 6 months. That shit hurts, I can't even say his name, but that is the thing that I need to unpack if I'm ever going to be able to go outside in the sun again.

Repeatedly ignoring the requests I made for specific treatment until past the point where I needed it anymore, not informing me how the service I was going to be working with for 2 years even worked in something so basic as "what is this for? what will happen to me if I get a diagnosis they can't give me specialised care for?", telling an 11 year old child that suicidal ideation is "not that serious", a fundamental misunderstanding of what I needed and wanted to hear ('normal' is not a helpful word. 'normal' tells me 'suck it up, everyone experiences this and they're all fine, you're normal, just think better' why are they all so adamant that I am normal? Not even considering my mental health I am an autistic bisexual gnc trans guy, we went past whatever 'normal' means a long time ago, fucking listen to me), at every single step of the way this system has left me in the same state I was before, the only improvement being through support from my friends, fucking Childline (gd fucking bless Childline volunteers, but still, I shouldn't have been getting so little support that that felt like my only option), mental health masterposts on Tumblr, chats with my (luckily) very nice guidance counselor (they're called pastoral teachers here but I know most folks reading this are American or are most familiar with the American school system) and what amounts to gritting my teeth and getting through it.

It was worth it, of course my life was worth it, of course I say the same thing every person who's attempted suicide says, I'm more grateful than words could possibly express that I survived, that I get to go home in a few minutes and feed my kitten and write and message my friends, but for fucks sake it didn't need to be this hard. And it doesn't need to be this hard. I'm not out of the woods yet, I'm still waiting on that second appointment with this charity, I'm still 3+ months behind at school, and I'm one of the lucky ones. My boyfriend has been hurt worse by CAMHS, left even more isolated than I was, even more traumatised by the way he was treated, and every single person I know who's been in this system agrees that it's deeply, deeply flawed.

I don't want people to have competitions over who's medical experiences are worse, who's country has the worst mental health system, who's been the most traumatised by their psychiatrists or lack thereof, please. Please don't make this the suffering Olympics. I'm just making this post cause I know, I know that other people have had similar experiences, whether with CAMHS or whatever their equivalent is. Mental health services need serious reform that puts patients first, listens to their needs and requests, that is well funded and well staffed by people who care about their patients wellbeing more than they care about controling other people's lives.

Austerity in the UK is a huge reason why this happened the way it did- my first psychologist left the service to go work somewhere that pays better, leaving just one newly-graduated psychologist that clearly had no idea what she was doing and didn't care to sympathise or show compassion for me.

This shit needs to change, because kids need help, and this is not good enough.

[elizawright]

Other Experiences

Interviews with other women with Aspergers

Source: Aspergers Uk Facebook Community

I noticed while being on the group most of the participants were men backing up the statistics that majority of the Aspergers community are male. This backs up my own theory that women find it harder to get diagnosed as majority of what doctors associate as “Aspergers Characteristics” come from male representatives. A good point from somewhen else in the group suggested that it also comes from the fact women are better at masking.

First Interview

Below is an interview I conducted with a lovely lady called Lauren, it was a very interesting read and supported what I already believed to be true through my own experiences. Women with autism are rarely represented in the media and struggle to get diagnosis or support from others as they show different characteristics to the majority of the Aspergers community:

Q. When were you diagnosed with Aspergers?

A. Feb 2009 age 13 nearly 14

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

(Quite often women with Aspergers are refused diagnosis as they don’t show what doctors perceive as “characteristics”)

A. it was difficult and took about 8 appointments to get a diagnosis as lot of signs/traits were interlinked with other conditions I already had diagnosed

Q. Name 3 things positive about your Aspergers

(Eg, it makes me more creative)

A. I'm strict with time (not been late once), very well organised and creative

Q. Do you feel there is enough positive female autism Representation in the media? If no, how do you think we can improve? If yes, please provide an example?

A. No I was diagnosed with mental health before I had my diagnosis and a lot of people say to women because you can do eye contact or you have empathy/show emotions that they are not autistic when they are. People need to remember women are naturally brought up to be more mature/grown up then men so we learn things sooner than men would.

Q. List 3 things you struggle with? What could nurotypical people do to help change this?

A. Going out to busy/crowded places, meeting new people/socialising with new people and changes especially to routine. Neurotypical people should be taught about autism in school so less bullying happens and more support can happen even simple things like structured routine or explaining something in a different way or putting it into a real life prospect.

Q. Is there anything else you would like to add?

A.People need to realise that autism is a invisible disability and there isn't a certain look like down syndrome. People also need to remember that autism is different in every person so just because one person with autism is aggressive it doesn't mean everyone is going to be aggressive. Finally to remember autism comes in different levels and severities so one person with autism could live independently with a little bit of support while another person with the same diagnosis might need 24 hour care and support

Second Interview

Another lovely lady called Sophie bravely answered two of the questions for me:

Q. Is there anything else you would like to add?

A. I feel autism is based more around men. The way this could be improved is if people were more aware that autism can affect both males and females

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

A. I didnt actually get diagnosed until I was 19 but I went to John Parkes when I was younger as ny mum thought I was different but they only said I am left handed but use ny right hand so it was left at that until I was 19 and my mum started working in a school and realised that I did a lot of the things that an autistic child at the school did

Third Interview

Lastly was a very helpful interview by a lovely lady called Ebony. I felt the most connection with Ebonys answers, pretty much everything she said I could relate to, specifically the struggle our mothers had to get a diagnosis, the miss belief in diagnosis of you don’t fit the stereotypes and the frustration with the lack of positive female representation.

Q. When were you diagnosed with Aspergers?

A. I was diagnosed at 8/9 years old

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

(Quite often women with Aspergers are refused diagnosis as they don’t show what doctors perceive as “characteristics”)

A. My mother found it difficult to get me an assessment to get diagnosed because I have a genetic condition which they wanted to overshadow autism under. Even though they’re totally unrelated. She fought in court for two years before I was granted a full assessment

Name 3 things positive about your Aspergers

(Eg, it makes me more creative)

3. Aspergers makes me more observant. Aspergers allows me to focus specifically on and learn things really easily with things which I am really interested in, in detail, which is really useful for my degree. And Aspergers makes it easy for me to process visual information

Q. Do you feel there is enough positive female autism Representation in the media? If no, how do you think we can improve? If yes, please provide an example?

A. Absolutely not. Autism seems to be very much represented by men with the very typical characteristics (Big bang theory and atypical prime examples). I think there needs to be more female influencers who are on the spectrum speaking about it and also in movies, using autistic female characters as the main character instead of male

Q. List 3 things you struggle with? What could nurotypical people do to help change this?

A. Change. I guess just not changing things would be helpful but I think that’s just the way of the world.

People thinking I’m not on the spectrum because I’m not good at maths or science and I don’t have a breakdown every two minutes. Not assuming the stereotypes are true in everyone. My very black and white way of thinking. Sometimes this gets in the way of being able to think perceptively, as hard as I try, it can be very hard to understand why something is the way it is.

Interview 4

Interview with a lady who would like to stay anonymous. She has a very interesting story and in the past has done lots of work studying Aspergers in women.

Q. When were you diagnosed with Aspergers?

A. 2007

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

(Quite often women with Aspergers are refused diagnosis as they don’t show what doctors perceive as “characteristics”)

A. I had anxiety n depression off n on for years. Worked as a advocate an had an abusive partner and it became worse. I went to a gp after reading about the condition and was dismissed by the gp. I took anti depressants n they made me feel so bad. Weight gain, hailing beginning to fall out n head felt like a racing feeling. Went back n was referred for cbt n refused to take meds as suicidal thoughts listed as side affect, which was happening. Went for cbt the lady had an autistic son. She picked up on traits n did n assessment n referred me to psychologist. I think I was quite lucky in my journey, in terms of a diagnosis. My mum said she always knew but she was always on meds. I’m not a fan on medication - personally

Q. Name 3 things positive about your Aspergers

(Eg, it makes me more creative)

A.1. I stopped hating or comparing myself to neuro typical people and what they do so easily.

2. It was ok to be different and I wasn’t stupid

3. I started to see myself and my traits and enjoy being me. If that makes sense

Q. Do you feel there is enough positive female autism Representation in the media? If no, how do you think we can improve? If yes, please provide an example?

A. I think when people are shown autism they are often shown the extreme. I watched a programme on the bbc about people with asperges and I couldn’t c myself in any of them. People always think of Chris Packham but we too are all v different as are NTs. The only other female I know of is Susan Boyle who was exploited in some way. But I believe she’s had support now and on the up bless her

Q. List 3 things you struggle with? What could nurotypical people do to help change this?

A. Too many people

Eating around strangers

Bright lights

In terms of how Nts could help is tough. I’m used to not having help so can be hard saying I’ve got a disability n then dealing with people’s preconceptions or struggling without help. Mentor ship in terms of study n maybe work place could be good.

Interview 5

This interview is another who would like to be kept anonymous, their family is very judgmental of their diagnosis therefor they don’t openly disclose their name.

Q.When were you diagnosed with Aspergers?

A. I was diagnosed in 2013, aged 36

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

(Quite often women with Aspergers are refused diagnosis as they don’t show what doctors perceive as “characteristics”)

A. I was fortunate in that the clinical psychologist who diagnosed me was a specialist in the female autustic phenotype, which made the diagnostic process easier.

Q. Name 3 things positive about your Aspergers

A. Three positive things about Asperger's:

I stand in solidarity with my autistic kids, and understand them better

The way I think makes me good at writing essays

I think autistic people find greater joy in small things than neurotypicals.

Q. Do you feel there is enough positive female autism Representation in the media? If no, how do you think we can improve? If yes, please provide an example?

A. Autism in the media is usually male, which influences women's ability to get diagnosed and get help. There is a small but persistent push my autustic women to make autistic women and girls more visible, and we need to keep building on that

Q. List 3 things you struggle with? What could nurotypical people do to help change this?

A. I struggle with practical things, like maintaining a routine, using public transport, and following directions. Neurotypicals can help by recognising female autism, and simply being kind

[timeoutforthee]

Like It or Not-Chapter 20

Taglist: @itsausernamenotafobsong, @sea-blue-child, @iaminmultiplefandoms, @princeanxious, @uwillbeefoundtonight, @zaidiashipper, @arandompasserby, @levyredfox3, @falsett0, @error-i-dunno-what-went-wrong, @scrapbookofsketches, @podcastsandcoffee, @helloisthisusernametaken, @amuthefunperson, @michealawithana, @yamihatarou, @heck-im-lost, @unlikelynightmareconnoisseur, @idkaurl, @bubblycricket, @fnp-alizay, @neonbluetiefling, @comicsimpson, @a-little-bit-of-ace

Summary: Logan, Patton, Roman, and Virgil are all struggling in their recovery. Their doctors, Thomas Sanders and Emile Picani think they can help each other out.

Aka Group Therapy AU

Trigger Warnings:  purging (skip from "why did he bother?" to "are you okay?"), reference to child abuse

Read it on AO3!

“How’d your session go?” Violet asks. She always asks, as soon as Virgil shuts the door to the car, before he can put on his headphones. He never answers with anything besides-

“Fine,” he says, immediately pulling out his iPod. Then he pauses.

Violet glances over at him as they pull out of the parking lot.

“I mean…,” Virgil wants to put it off. A part of him wants to think that if he puts it off enough, he might just forget. But he knows better.

Like a band-aid, he tells himself, Just rip it off.

“It went better than the last session,” Virgil admits.

“Really?” Violet asks, trying to keep her tone steady, “What happened last session?”

A part of her tells her not to press, that it’s going to end in a growl and silence, but instead Virgil sighs.

“I told Dr. Picani about Dad.”

“Really?” she still keeps her tone steady, though she’s having a much more difficult time now.

“Not everything,” Virgil says quickly, “But you know...I told him that Dad used to hit me.”

Violet thinks back. She doesn’t think Virgil has said those words out loud to anyone, ever. Not even her, even though she obviously knew.

“I haven’t told anyone else, not even the guys in group, maybe I will eventually, but I-” Virgil cuts himself off, shoving his iPod back in his pocket. If he was going to do this, he had to commit.

“I still don’t like to tell people,” he admits, “Like it was the secret I had to protect, to take to the grave, and now there’s no point.” And it’s my fault.

Violet’s heart twists at how loyal Virgil still is to his dad. She knows how hard it is to walk away, to stay away, to realize they let you down, and in such a cruel way. A part of her brain latches on to “to take to the grave,” and she wonders if Virgil was planning on that being soon.

“It’s amazing you felt comfortable enough to tell him,” she says, tucking all that away for now.

“I wouldn’t call it amazing-”

“I would,” Violet says, immediately, offering no room for argument.

“So, you said this session was easier, what did you talk about this time?”

“Goals, mostly,” he says, ��And Roman was talking about his brother, about how he was trying...and it kinda made me think about you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah...look,” Virgil tugs a hand through his hair. “I know you’re trying. A lot harder than should be expected of you, and I...I really appreciate it. Even though I don’t show it. It’s just...hard for me. It’s hard and I don’t know why.”

“I appreciate you saying that,” Violet says, “But the thing I want you to understand is I want to try this hard, whether it “should be” expected or not, you’ve been through a lot-”

“It wasn’t that bad-”

“You’ve been through a lot,” she repeats, using her “I’m not fucking around” voice, “And...I could’ve made it easier all those years ago, and I didn’t,” she swallows, still attempting to keep her voice even. The last thing Virgil needs is for her to start crying on him, “And I can’t go back and fix that. The best thing I can do now is be here for you, when you’re ready.”

They pull into the apartment complex and she glances over at Virgil. He finally tears his eyes away from the front window and looks back at her. They sit there a second, and Virgil smiles at her.

“Thanks,” he says, simply, and with that, they head upstairs.

^

He should have said no, he should have said no, what the fuck was he thinking-

“Roman, are you okay?” Max asks, as he climbs into the driver’s seat.

“Fine,” his voice shakes.

Max thought it would be a good idea to go out for dinner, since everyone at home had probably already eaten. Roman was also pretty sure this was his form of an apology for their previous conversation, so how could he say no? He thought he could handle it, he had handled the pizza before. He’d probably find something on the menu that was at least a bit healthy.

But when the food came there was just so much of it. He felt like everyone was staring at him. He should have saved some, but he was just so hungry. He could feel everyone’s eyes staring at him while he ate, he must have looked like an animal.

“Are you sure?” Max asks, “You barely ate anything during dinner.”

….what?

“I just...don’t feel so great,” Roman says. It’s not a complete lie. His goal for the week flashes in his head, but he can’t do that. Not yet.

“Okay, well,” Max says, pulling out of the parking lot. “We’re only about fifteen minutes from home.”

Thankfully, those fifteen minutes pass quickly, and when they get home, Roman bolts up the stairs to the bathroom.

He’s sweating. He can still taste it on his tongue, and it fills him with regret. Why did he bother?

A thought comes to him. He has to get rid of it. He has to.

Before he can think about it too much, he turns to the toilet and shoves his finger back his throat. The response is almost immediate.

Better is not the word Roman would use to describe how he’s feeling. Gross is probably more accurate, but to be fair, he felt gross before, too. So, this scenario was definitely better.

“Ro?”

Oh, shit.

“Are you okay?” Max calls, because of course it’s fucking Max. “I thought I heard you throwing up.”

Roman flushes to give himself time to think. Then he washes his hands to stall even longer. Then he pauses for just a little longer, hoping he can maybe wait him out. But, nope, when he opens the door, Max is still standing there.

“Are you okay?” he repeats, his hand going to Roman’s forehead. Roman shoves his hand away.

“Who are you? Mom? I’m fine,” Roman says, trying to brush it off quickly. “I guess the food just wasn’t that great.”

“...oh,” Max says, as if he’s disappointed, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Roman says, trying to reassure him. “It happens.”

“You’re right, it just sucks,” Max says, turning back down the hall. He’s about to disappear down the stairs when he pauses and turns around, “But you’re sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” Roman says, smiling.

^

Here’s the thing: Patton loves everybody. And he doesn’t get hung up on shallow things, like appearances. He loves everybody, and he loves everybody’s body. Whether they were thin or fat, or tall or short, covered in freckles or clear-skinned, he thought everyone was beautiful.

Everyone, that is, except for himself.

When it came to himself, he hated everything.

“Patton?” Thomas asks. Patton snaps his head up and immediately smiles. “I asked what you like about yourself. What are some things you can think about for your affirmations?”

“I don’t know, doc, don’t you think affirmations are a little silly?”

“No,” his therapist responds, uncharacteristically serious, “I think they work.”

“Oh...okay, well-how do they work?”

“It’s an attempt to retrain your brain, right now you probably have a lot of shame and such surrounding yourself, and you can talk badly to yourself, so affirmations are a way to add positivity back to that mix, to try and even out the playing field a bit.”

“Ah, so what if I don’t talk badly to myself?”

“Well, then I would have to ask why you’re bingeing and purging in the first place?”

“I haven’t done that!” Patton lies, “Not recently, anyway.”

“I’m sorry, I misspoke, why did you start bingeing and purging in the first place?”

And, really, Patton can’t remember, it’s been so long.

“I...don’t remember.”

“Okay, I know it’s been a while, but try and think back to when you were using these behaviors. How’d you feel right before they happened?”

“I don’t think I was feeling much of anything,” It’s not a lie. Patton always feels numb when he starts. Then regret sets in after.

“Then let’s start here,” Thomas says, turning to grab a binder. As he flips through the pages, he continues talking, “Because numbness is not the lack of emotion. It’s what happens when you’re feeling so overwhelmed that your defense is to shut it all down.”

“Really?”

“Yep,” Thomas says, “Here it is. There are other emotions we can look at, but I think that this one may be the most accurate.”

At the top of the worksheet, the title is “Shame.”

As Patton reads through the “symptoms,” he finds that more and more fit when he wakes up at night, right before he binges.

“You see, in the simplest terms, shame is when we feel like we’ve done something bad, and therefore we are a bad person.”

“So, what would I do?”

Thomas flips a few more pages and lands on one that says “Check the facts.”

“You would do this,” he says, “You would see if your emotions and intensity fit the facts.”

“And if they didn’t…?”

“You would do the opposite action, which is exposing the thing that you think you should be ashamed of, in a safe space, where people won’t reject you,” Thomas says. “Here, let’s break it down a little bit.”

Thomas lays out all the different ways to interpret an action, about how you would check the facts objectively, but the trick is you have to be honest about the way you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it.

“So, in theory, if I were still bingeing and purging, this could stop it?”

“DBT and CBT is helpful for many patients, so I think it’s worth a try,” Thomas says, “And you have plenty of people who are safe to talk to, Patton. You have me, the group, and your mom. Do you think you could talk to one of them if you’re feeling ashamed?”

“I...I guess I could,” Patton goes quiet, “Hey, Dr. Sanders?” his voice quivers a bit.

“Yes?”

“I...I lied. I’m sorry. But I haven’t stopped. I never stopped.”

A few tears fall down his face. He’s met with silence, so he looks up and sees his therapist giving him a gentle smile.

“That’s okay, Patton,” he says, “We can work on it.”

Patton takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly. “Okay.”

[poetic-beats]

Update: Good news

The lady I saw with the crisis team was absolutely amazing. Honestly I wanted to hug her at the end but i felt that would not be appropriate.

She sat and listened to us for over an hour. Like we were literally in there with her until gone 8pm...

I was like what now...its gone 8 wow...but she didnt like say anything about it she didnt like stop us or whatever...you know she let me and my mum talk away and she asked the questions she needed to ask.

She was just so lovely. So SO lovely. She completely empathised and understood my situation and my mums feelings and situation handling all this.

She is gonna refer me back to meadow lodge but hopefully i get the other psychiatrist not my old one.

But also it was more because i obviously need emergency care and to refer me to a brand new psychiatrist place outside of my area too would take longer. 

Also there is this whole thing because i was discharged less than 6 months ago when the crisis team put in a referral the process should happen very fast from her sending in the referral to the psychiatrist team at Meadow Lodge making an appointment for me. Because of the time span between the referral from her and me being discharged from Meadow Lodge.

Where as a new place I would just be getting an appointment as a new patient with no record of ever being under their care and I wouldn’t necessarily get seen as fast.

I am hesitant if i do end up with my old psychiatrist again but she told me I can always write in a complaint to my psychiatrists manager. I did not know this was even a thing as she is the head of the psychiatrists at Meadow Lodge but the lady explained to me they should usually and always do have someone in charge of that whole place as they have more than just psychiatrists working there so its like the top guy who runs the whole meaodw lodge and the psychiatrist i saw just was sort of the manager of the psychiatry department within the lodge but thats comforting to know there is someone above her at the lodge that i can file a complaint with if i get her again.

Also my GP and the crisis team lady were confused about why i’d never been offered CBT or even told that there is a free self referral place in my town that offers CBT the crisis team lady was very shocked that I was NEVER given this option or ever told about it.

Because I had mentioned I had asked my ex psychiatrist for CBT as an example of the other kinds of therapy I had wanted. Because one thing to point out.

BPD’s main treatment is DBT with mindfulness. Bipolar therapy is CBT. 

The mindfulness portion of the BPD therapy which i sat through before having to leave for my own good due to a Mania that was not helped by the teachings of the mindfulness course which told me to live in the moment and forget the future or past and consequences basically like trying to reduce anxiety i suppose but someone in a bipolar mania cannot handle that youre basically giving me a green light to spend all my money and be reckless. 

And the lady at the crisis team completely understood this! Which was refreshing. It is as if they didnt take into account BOTH my conditions when offering me this therapy. And when i brought up this issue to my ex psychiatrist she got defensive and rude and then discharged me. 

But yes...I am excited now that i can do CBT which is not gonna trigger the BPD and will be effective for the Bipolar oh and its not that CBT doesnt work on BPD patients its just they believe BPD patients might respond better too DBT.

But as you know every patient is different and its not a one shoe fits all. Also this information only goes on the basis of someone having JUST BPD not that AND bipolar. 

So you cant say oh BPD patients respond to DBT that is what you will do. Because I also have Bipolar and DBT is NOT recommended for obvious reasons for that. So they should have taken that into account. AND CBT on patients with BOTH conditions well it can work. 

Obviously in an ideal world I would receive a multi disciplinary approach a psychotherapist who draws the best bits from multiple therapeutic techniques to combat the issues within both my disorders. But I NEVER have and NEVER will expect that on the NHS given its current state. Sad thing is when looking for private therapists in my surrounding areas. They do not seem to be helping out BPD and Bipolar patients. Let alone someone with both.

Most just offer therapy for PTSD OCD ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION and GRIEVANCE THERAPY like literally the BASICS.

I found one woman who is trained extensively in BPD adults. and has done a therapy which ive read up on and sounds amazing and results sound amazing but its relatively new to the Therapy world as most therapies have been around for a LONG time so this schema therapy completely redefines how we treat a patient with BPD. But as i said its shown amazing results. 

But she IS around £80 a session possibly up to £100.

and I would more than likely be having bare minimum fortnightly meetings with her. So that could be anywhere between 200-400 pounds a month depending if its weekly or fortnightly.

That is a LOT of money. 

Money neither me or my parents have right now.

However if i DO get my DLA (PIP) which currently I cannot do given the horrible letter my Psychiatrist gave me. Then I might get enough money from that to pay for my therapy. 

But right now though I can self refer to this CBT therapy so that might be enough and might be all I need at this moment in time to help myself and unlock the tools i need to further my development and recovery. 

So yes. I also really need to be on some form of anti psychotic or mood stabiliser as i am currently on a high dose anti depressant and my psychiatrist discharged me on this dose without warning really oh this is probably very dangerous and your risk of Bipolar relapse is VERY high.

So..yeah and here I am now. Although every meeting I actually had with her this year before discharging me I was in a Bipolar relapse. My GP when i got discharged and went to see him did make a comment on my moods there and then.

Something my psychiatrist either did not pick up on or did but chose to discharge me anyways because as she said to us in our final meeting that other people are waiting for this service we cant help you forever and ive got to learn to manage my conditions on my own and handle it on my own.

Which we get but if youve not given me tools to manage on my own im going in blind which is why i need therapy. To increase the tools in my toolkit to help myself.

That is like taking a persons walking stick away and saying youve got this problem with your leg but more people are in the queue behind you so you need to learn to manage this on your own and find out your own ways of coping but we arent gonna give you any tips or tools to help you good bye...and then expecting someone to know how to help themselves aka get a walking stick although its an obvious answer to get a walking stick so the analogy maybe doesnt work at that level but you get my point.

But I feel a lot less worse than i was yesterday. So I am not too bad right now given how yesterday went.

[yeonjuins]

AAAHHH YOUR HEADER IS SO CUTEEEEE <33

yaaay !! :) i had some new tea today but i wasn't the biggest fan tbh !! it was jasmine green tea. i'm not really a big fan of green tea HOWEVER i do like apple & pear green tea, that's very nice <3 very refreshing :) i'm so happy it helped !! that's amazing <3

nah i will never drink it, don't like it at all :) that and cappuccinos, they're also gross !!

same... honestly. i don't have anything bad to say about my work, they're really, really good <3 if something happens like on a day where you're supposed to work a full shift, they give you the time off that you need (whether it's medical or something else happens.) i got therapy through my job as well, this was back in 2019 when we were in the office, they had a nurse who worked onsite and she referred me to a therapist who specialised in CBT. it helped a ton <3

"stop being sad" ah yes, thank u very much for that, my mental health is so much better now ty :/. i hate that so much !!!! >:( my anxiety will never go away, and i live with it. i used to always get "stop being so anxious" ALL. THE. TIME. 😠😠😠 still infuriates me !!!

i promise i will be safe 💎 yeah, no, daily walks are definitely going to be a thing even more so as the warmer weather comes in. i have 9 days off in march as annual leave so i'm going to do some walks with my mum <3 we went on walks last year when it was warm and we were doing up to 20k steps. <3 excited for the upcoming 9 days off because i have some nice plans :) i regularly donate blood so it will be my 4th time donating blood on monday 14th !! still get nervous doing it but i want to keep donating :)

that's amazing oh my god 💚 it's always good when you work with people like that <3 it's the same here for poc and lgbt <3 i came out in my previous work and was made to feel like i should have stayed in the closet, i kept getting comments from people about my sexuality (i'm bi) saying the stereotypical "you're greedy" "pick a side" "you're just confused," and it made me feel really sad :( but in my current work, i've had nothing but support 100%. my work are really big on being yourself. <3

aw that's so sweet !!! mistakes can happen !! we're only human. we tend to make mistakes too, like if someone's parcel doesn't get delivered, 99% of customers will be like "it's okay, things happen," and we always replace their goods for them and get those delivered asap <3

my day was great !! i did absolutely nothing :))) although i did some giffing, watched some treasure map videos (i love them sm rn omg) and i also slept until 2pm) i hope work was okay !!! i hope your day was great 🌸💎

(lengthy response!)

AAA I'M GLAD U THINK MY HEADER IS CUTE ;; genuinely so happy wiht how it turned out and i wasn't expecting to get so much love on my revamp as much as i did ;;

oh my god jasmine green tea.... we sold that all the time at the boba place i worked... i can see how it wouldn't be your cup of tea (; (pun intended) i think green tea is fine !! i sort of grew up drinking it at asian restaurants and it was always soothing... for some reason green tea at asian restaurants always hit different than having tea brewed by yourself imo (": i never new apple & pear green tea existed wtf ;0 that sounds so good...

i'm sososoo glad u managed to get therapy through your job... i think talking to an actual professional can help for sure and i rlly hope said professional is the right fit for you (": having a good outlet is so important and i honestly wish it was more accessible to the younger generation despite how much others would advocate there to be ;;

oh my anxiety... ): before i had dropped one of my math courses recently, my friend was helping me study for the test... he sort of pointed out how i was having really polarizing thoughts and catastrophizing everything in which led me to realize... a lot of my anxiety stems from these polarizing thoughts !! PAHAHHA i ended up dropping the course in the end because of the sheer amount of stress it was giving me + i didn't even need it to graduate !!

9 days off in march !!! MARCH BREAK YAYAYA honestly it's the best (also because my birthday always lands the day before march break hehe <3) i'm actually like . not active whatsoever it's embarassing ;; but i do walk a lot since i commute taking the bus + my job requires me to be on my feet a lot !! so i indirectly count that as me getting my steps in (":

that is so lovely that your workplace supports you and your bisexuality ): i wish i prided myself more in my sexuality a little bit more but it's not rlly smth i wanna just spew out to the world right off the bat... that's just me personally though ! regardless, i have supportive people around me that know and i'm glad your workplace is supportive of it as well (":

work went super quick !! i always think my sunday shifts feel shorter than my saturday shifts (although they're literally the same length) but my store has been doing well and we've been making our sales for the last couple weeks so that's rlly good to hear (:< i have today off as well so i'm very happy i get to just have a full day to myself before i get thrown back into the swing of things (aka school <3) PAHHAHA

[graesays]

Grae Reviews: Frank Turner - Be More Kind

It’s been a while since I reviewed some music, and that’s mostly because I review stuff that I like. That’s a problem when a lot of modern music is (to be as charitable as possible) utter horse shit. Thankfully the folk rock scene has provided a lot of gold over the last few years so it would have taken a lot for me to not like new music from one of the genre’s best, Frank Turner. That being said, I wasn’t expecting to be hit so strongly in the feels by such a politically charged work.

Frank Turner is obviously no stranger to the political tune. This year is the 10th anniversary of his album Love, Ire & Song. The title track of which is very overtly political (as is it’s re-releases 2nd disk track called ‘Thatcher Fucked The Kids’). This new album however manages to simultaneously step it up a notch and mellow the message out. Adopting a more “mainstream” sound that may well be too much for those who think Frank peaked with England Keep My Bones. Like I said in the sub-title though, this album struck a chord with me, and that is probably just a personal reaction but hey, this blog is all about my personal reaction to things, so lets run down the album track by track.

Don’t Worry - Mental health is a running theme of this album. Frank has said in interviews that he drew on his experiences undergoing CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) in his songwriting and this song does a good job of conveying this overarching state of mind. That said, it’s not the best example, we’ll get there in a bit.

1933 - This is the obligatory return to the Frank Turner that fans of his earlier work will be most satisfied with. If you’re gonna discuss politics in 2018 there’s two topics that are gonna dominate any writings, Brexit & Trump. This is the Brexit rant, comparing the closing of borders with the rise of fascism in the build up to World War II, and a very well done one at that with some top notch lyric writing (“well I don’t know, what’s going on anymore, the world outside is burning with a brand new light but it isn’t one that makes me feel warm”).

Little Changes - THIS is the best ode to mental health treatment on this album, and the most overt references to the methods behind CBT (“the big things stay the same until we make little changes”). I love this song in particular because it’s so upbeat, which fits well with a topic that unintentionally frightens so many people because of the stigma attached.

Be More Kind - The title of the album (and obviously this track) is based on a Clive James poem that Frank read in US magazine 'The New Yorker’ “I should have been more kind. It is my fate. To find this out, but find it out too late” Another overarching theme of this album is the idea that empathy and compassion is dying in the face of the dark turn our politics is taking lately and that rather than engaging in tribalism, we should be setting an example to be better to others. It’s not often that I describe a song as beautiful, but this one more than deserves that label, and is by far and away my favourite song on the album.

Make America Great Again - So we’re talking politics again and this English americophile is giving probably the friendliest Fuck Donald Trump message ever committed to tape. This is a serious topic executed in a very tongue in cheek manner, as the lifted Ramones chord progression ('Bonzo Goes to Bitburg’ if you were wondering) and the ironically un-ironic ending chorus key change (the scourge of the indie folk rock scene!). A good natured, playful fuck off is the best kind of fuck off though and I do have a big soft spot for this song, even if it has caught the ire of some old school Frank Turner fans.

Going Nowhere - Well someone got a girlfriend between records didn’t they? I joke, this could easily be a song about platonic friendship, and that is a sentiment that I can completely sympathise with in fairness. This one is pretty much a collection of cliches to describe how he’s got his friends backs. The most prominent of which is best described by Frank’s labelmate (and another favourite musician of mine) Beans on Toast “any song that has the line 'in there like swimwear’ in it deserves to be number 1!”.

Brave Face - No album of this genre is complete without a stadium singalong anthem, and this is the song that fills that quota. That joke I made earlier about Going Nowhere being a romantic song is probably best applied to this song in fairness. Best demonstrated with the chorus “Make me a promise, That when the world ends, You’ll kiss me, And you’ll hold my hand, And then we’ll get through this, Whatever happens, One look at your brave face, Makes me a braver man”.

There She Is - Frank teamed up with Charlie Hugall, a collaborator with Florence & The Machine in the making of this record, and this song is probably the most striking example of his influence. Plus it’s the third track in a row that’s about a girl, and while that theme would probably get repetitive by now in the hands of a lesser artist, Frank manages to pull it off though and while it’s probably one of the less memorable songs on the album, it’s by no means bad.

21st Century Survival Blues - Hey old school Frank Turner fans? Feeling isolated with the change in direction? Well I’ve got some good news, here’s something that would actually fit in well on 'Sleep is for the Weak’! Following on a similar theme to Brave Face, how the narrator and his partner will be fine in the middle of the apocalypse as long as they have each other, the new theme is blended well with some old school Frank Turner & The Sleeping Souls musicianship and is another standout from the 2nd half of the album.

Blackout - This was the first single from the album and don’t get me wrong, I like it, but it fails to live up to the hype (solely in this authors opinion). It’s a lament about Frank himself stepping away from political themes after his interviews about his personal political beliefs got him death threats, and how he should step out of his comfort zone. Which he has done with this record in more ways than one. As said, it’s not the best on the album, but by no means does that suggest that I think the song is in any way bad.

Common Ground - The theme of this one is pretty much explained in full by it’s title, that we should look more for what we have in common, rather than what separates us. specifically that we should build bridges. Frank’s music has a knack for forcing the audience to think for a minute and this one definitely manages that. The latter songs on this album lack the catchiness of the earlier stuff, but if you’re after the introspection that you’ve come to expect from Franks last few records, this is where you’ll find it.

The Lifeboat - Just when you think the upbeat tone of the album takes a backseat for a moment in the penultimate track, which describes a sick world and a sick society that should be left behind. You get hit with a 180 degree turn to describe the leaving behind and defeat of a toxic world. Another chance for a slow introspection as we start to wrap up the album.

Get it Right - This song tackles a matter that actually means a lot but never gets mentioned in polarising times, it’s ok to admit you’ve changed your mind on something, and holding your hands up is preferable to continuing down a dangerous path just for the sake of saving face. Frank delivers most of this one standing alone with his acoustic guitar, a one on one conversation with the listener until we hit the end and a bit of a stadium singalong to sign off on.

This might just be me, but the topics Frank touched on in this album seriously hit home, and did so to the point where I might actually consider this my favourite of his albums. I’ve always been a fan of about 3 or 4 songs off previous albums so to have 9 or 10 songs I love on one album is incredible in my mind. Is that because he went 'mainstream’? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I’m letting my own circumstances dictate how I digest this music, but isn’t that what you’re meant to do? To be honest, I’m probably putting too much effort into justifying why I love an album by one of my favourite artists in a genre I’ve grown to love over the last few years (and not just because it’s one I’m active in, honest!). All I need to say is that I love it, and I hope if you decide to check it out that you do too.

[missrosienorris]

Life at the moment

So, in my last post I set up some goals for myself. Now, the truth is that I quite rarely accomplish my goals, partially because I apparently tend to set them a bit high at times and partially because I have the patience of a gnat and am not good with long projects that require a lot of planning and time. (As attested to by my atrocious, still-not-finished thesis. It’s not the amount of work as it is really not much harder than my day job, it’s having the patience to keep at it, especially when it’s boring af.) This time I did surprisingly well, even though it didn’t go exactly as I had planned it out.

Firstly, I said I would find myself a therapist. The situation on that front took an unexpected but somewhat interesting turn that I find myself increasingly cool with. But let me start by saying that HOLY SHIT trying to find a therapist in Finland is a garbage process and someone really needs to get on that. First of all, you get no help, zip, nada, zero. You have to scour the internet yourself and try to weed out some candidates in a sea of lacking descriptions, lacking contact information, lacking everything. But I am adept at the internet, so I did.

I wrote ten therapists who seemed to somewhat fit my criteria (which were pretty much woman, CBT-leaning, experienced and available to take on new patients). Half of them never replied, three weren’t able to take on new patients even though their sites said they were, one was in the middle of some iffy moving arrangement that I didn’t feel like dealing with and the only one I actually met started the session by telling me how lackluster my prognosis was and then when I talked about my family she explained how she knows that although we’re so big on equality nowadays she always sees these mental health problems in families where the mother is more in control than the father, and I was like yeah. No.

So at this point I was like fuck me, this is hopeless. But then I had a chat with the psychologist that’s covered by my healthcare benefits at work, and she was like “you know, we just made a deal about what kind of healthcare will be covered by your employer this year, and they’re going to cover group therapy. I think that could work pretty well for your situation, would you be interested in it?” Now in the past I was socially awkward to a painful degree so I had always ruled out group therapy from the get-go, so my first instinct was to decline, but then I though about it some and changed my mind. Over the last few years I have found that I’m actually rather sociable, my social skills have improved considerably and opening up about my mental health issues to perfect strangers has never been an issue for me as I don’t keep that stuff secret anyway so I though hey, why not give it a shot.

So that’s what I’m doing. It’s still in it’s infancy, as I have only done the two initial interviews so far and not met the group yet, but I am feeling really good about it. The psychologist who will be running the group is very experienced and also quite nice as a person, I feel like she gets me and perhaps best of all, she has no problem with using hard science and medical terminology, which is immensely helpful to me. I don’t believe it’s healthy to be excessively focused on diagnosis since mental health is so complex and variable, but I find that having a label for some of the soup that is my mind helps me de-clutter and honestly makes me feel less like a crazy person. For example, I had realized that my constantly low mood probably isn’t normal and my intense health worries are rather obsessive, but hearing a professional actually say “PDD” and “OCD” sort of validates that the problem isn’t just that I’m a weird-ass dingbat and overreacting, I have some legit disorders and that isn’t my fault. (Which obviously doesn’t mean that I don’t need to do anything about them or that I can use them as an excuse for behaving like a shit, don’t worry, I’m not going down that route.) Her using the proper terms and not being vague and roundabout also makes me feel like I’m being treated like an adult and not babied, which is important to me since I really really hate being treated like I lack the ability to comprehend shit. So that’s where that’s at, and I’m feeling optimistic.

Secondly, I said I would resolve my existing vet bills, set aside some money for unexpected vet expenses, get older cat’s stomach under control and make sure the new cats have insurance. This I have mostly done. The bills are paid, and although I have not technically set aside a specific sum of money I now have a credit card that is reserved for unexpected vet bills only. I have not used it at all yet. Older cat’s stomach is still acting up some, it appears he has a bit of IBD, but the diet and medication has been re-vamped again and the situation has improved. And pet insurance has been added to my insurance package, although obviously it does not cover older cat due to the large amount of pre-existing conditions. But it covers the babies.

Third, the babies. That has been an interesting ride. I did adopt from a shelter as I said I would, but the cats ended up being a girl and a boy instead of two girls like I had planned, not that that matters much. The thing that went funny is the age. They were estimated to be around 6 months of age, and they were about the typical size for that age so I thought nothing of it. But when they had been with me for about a week I took the boy to the vet because he was peeing like 7 or 8 times a day which is quite often and I wanted to make sure he didn’t have a UTI. (Which he didn’t. Apparently he just has a small bladder.) Anyway, during the examination the vet checked his teeth and was like “yeah, this one is definitely like 1-2 years old rather than 6 months, his teeth are quite developed and really need a cleaning”. So he’s technically not a baby, and I need to have his teeth cleaned, but honestly that’s no biggie, shit happens. I was slightly peeved that the shelter hadn’t checked the teeth, that’s pretty routine, but they were very cooperative when I reported it to them and are even paying a part of the cost of the cleaning, so it’s all good. I don’t blame them for being mistaken about the age, because he is very small for an adult cat and the vet told me it’s actually rather difficult to determine a cat’s age. So we’re heading in for a teeth cleaning in about a week, and I’m taking the girl with me too so the vet can check whether her age estimate was more accurate (they are not from the same litter, they just lived together at one of the shelter volunteers’ place while looking for a home). She is growing a bunch though, which he doesn’t seem to be, so her estimate might be closer to the truth. And if it isn’t, whatever. They’re sweet, sterile, chipped, vaccinated and checked for FIV and FeLV, and that’s way more important than the age being bang on the mark.

The first weeks with the newbies have gone nicely. I will refer to them as girl kitty and boy kitty for now, since I guess at least for the boy, kitten wouldn’t be accurate and the girl is honestly already too big in size to be called a kitten because she really grows like a weed. Both have adjusted really well to their new environment despite being very shy at first. Older cat has taken well to them too and there has been almost zero conflict between them and him, I think he hissed at girl kitty like once when she was being too forward and that was it. Now they all sleep in the same bed and particularly girl kitty and older cat are becoming very close.

Girl kitty is still a little reserved towards people and you can’t really pick her up yet, but if you let her come to you on her own accord she is quite friendly and cuddly. She seems like she might become quite a big cat and has quite strong legs, so she jumps and climbs a lot. She’s quite playful, but a bit shy about playing with people. She’s constantly getting braver though, so I think she might be more people-loving in the future. (And if she isn’t, that’s fine too. Not every cat has to love sitting on your lap or being picked up, as long as it’s possible to handle them if they need to be given medicine or boxed up for travel it’s all dandy.)

Boy kitty on the other hand is quite a people-lover. He often rolls around on his back on the floor looking for cuddles and is fine with being picked up as well. He is not yet quite sure about sitting on your lap for more than a little while, but I have a feeling he might be the type to do that in the future. One thing he hasn’t quite comprehended yet is that people aren’t toys and don’t really like being nibbled on, even if the nibbles are obviously playful and definitely not bites. So I’m trying to teach him that, hopefully he’ll pick up on it. Boy kitty is extremely active and playful and will play with people, other cats, by himself, whatever works. He’s not as good a jumper as girl kitty but quite adept at climbing. He’s also a bit of a rascal and has already chewed a pair of my headphones and sometimes annoys girl kitty with his roughhousing. But in general they like each other quite well, they often sleep on top of each other and lick each other’s coats.

So that’s life at the moment. I still miss younger cat heaps, dream about her and cry about her regularly, but I think I’ll live. And older cat isn’t lonely anymore, which has done him good, so that’s a big relief.

[iaincblog]

Music and the Myth of Wholeness

This is the title of Tim Hodgkinson’s latest book. The book is ambitious and fairly abstract and as far as I can tell quite original. I want to approach its central theory via the writings of Andrew Hodges who is Dean of  Wadham College Oxford. He is a theoretical physicist but he also writes more mainstream stuff. He first came to my notice via his biography of Alan Turing. This was praised and when I got to read I totally agreed with those judgements. I was particularly interested that while still a student at Cambridge he went to Wittgenstein’s seminars on the foundations of mathematics but he also found his way to Princeton where he had discussions with Kurt Godel.

I have not long acquired a second AH book on the numbers one to nine. The element I want to highlight comes from his discussion of one. He looks at the idea that the number one links to our perception of ourselves as the slang use of the expression suggests. He goes beyond this suggesting that personhood involves I and You. In fact there may be a multiplicity.

He gets the multiplicity by an interesting route. If Zero is the Empty Set and One is the successor to Zero then he suggests that One contains Zero. But the Empty Set and the Number One are two things. This enumeration can be extended over and over. This trope is close to Russell s famous Paradox, much discussed since it was formulated over a century ago.

Badiou, the French philosopher, bases his metaphysics on set theory as set out in his Being and Event. I find this book impressive but hard work which is how I find his subsequent book, Number and Numbers. In this latter work he suggests that Russell’s Paradox shows a rupture between the world of concepts and the world of existence.

 Much the same could be said of Galen Strawson’s book on the Self. Strawson concludes that Hume’s scepticism about the oneness of self is valid. So that is further confirmation that one may not be a viable model of the first person. So my first conclusion is that Tim Hodgkinson may be onto something with Myth of Wholeness. It might be worth just mentioning the multiplicity in the Christian view of one God as three persons. Indeed as TH builds up his attack on wholeness as a musical concept he uses the Christian i dea of unchanging unity. He relates this to the textuality which undoubtedly is present in liturgical practice often.

As the discussion proceeds it is no surprise that Shostakovitch crops up:

‘Where art bends to social formation, makes itself nothing but of meaning, it compromises its nature and gives up whatever social force it might have deployed by virtue of its autonomy from meaning. Shostsakovich, facing  the unimaginable pressures of Stalin’s terror, no doubt produced some bad art as a matter of survival, but he managed to keep his integrity and autonomy as an artist.’ (p116)

TH develops an informational model of human perception of music.The way that humans build models of themselves using available technological models is complex and certainly goes back further than the introducing of metaphors such as ‘letting off steam’ and ‘blowing a gasket’. In my world one key source is H A Simon’s concept of bounded rationality. In essence this means that we are constantly faced by situations where some theories suggest the need for enormously complex deliberation. Economics has an account of shopping in a supermarket which is deeply implausible as a theory of how we actually think. In fact the new Behavioural Economics has made headway because it offers more effective ways of supporting human choice.

TH s stance can be summarised as suggesting that musical perception involves this kind of bounded rationality  and that we are not aware of some of the processes involved in air  vibrations becoming sound for us.

Reflecting on the promise and threat of AI and robotics I had come to a similar conclusion. As human beings we live with a host of autonomous and semi-autonomous systems which fundamentally keep us going. The boundary between intentional perception and these systems can and does shift. There may well be a tie in between this state of affairs and the failure of ‘one’ as a model of ourselves.

TH contrasts musical analysis in the sense of Schenker, Tovey and Forte with a cognitive account of how humans listen to music .In post war European composition there is typically a huge amount of analysable structure. Most people perhaps everyone won’t hear much of the structure. Schoenberg apparently said once that audiences shouldn't concentrate on how the music is made. They should listen to how its played. This was a neat turn of phrase and makes a good starting point. I don't think it’s the end of the matter.

TH uses the concept of recursivity to illuminate musical listening. Recursivity has an interesting history as a concept starting of course in maths and logic. Hofstadter wrote an epocal book, Godel, Escher and Bach which brought recursivity into more mainstream culture. Important clues in the title of course.  With recursion there is a process with an input and output which proceeds in cycles. On the first cycle an input become an output. On the next cycle the output from the previous cycle becomes the input for the current cycle. This can all go on and on. Whether the process repetition stops or could repeat indefinitely is a way to some interesting mathematics.

Iterative processing is a feature of modern AI techniques like deep learning based on the computer configuration termed neural networking. This is a kind of digital information where the output at one level becomes the input at next level. If we imagine patterns of sound waves via our eardrum becoming a pattern of impulses in our nervous system and moving through our brain then the supposition is that some similar recursive processing takes place. As far as I am aware this is a plausible hypothesis rather than scientific fact. Currently neural networks and I is the subject of a lot positive PR. I think it is best to think of it as a new way of doing pattern recognition. As such it could be part of processing sound waves into music, of course.

Neural networking can appear to be the definitive way of finding a pattern in data but this is misleading. Detailed aspects of neural networks have to be selected for each specific type of information processing and in practical terms, getting the best arrangement  requires experience and understanding.

There is an echo of this in Adam Harper’s book Infinite Music: Imagining the Next Millennium of Human Music-Making which I bought 5 years ago after hearing him speak at Café Oto. AH suggests that musical form is extremely variable. There are in indefinite number of parameters which might become central within a new kind of music. I am very sympathetic to this insight - as a student I argued something similar with the philosopher Bernard Williams in his rooms at KIngs. We were discussing whether we could conceive of circumstances in which Beethoven’s musical achievement was obvious and widely acknowledged. I could and BW couldn't.  Anyway, this open endness of musical form and neural network based pattern recognition emerges as supporting evidence  for TH s suggestion that musical wholeness is a myth.

The experimentation that free music undertook starting in the UK in the mid 60s can be seen as a validation of Harper’s ideas with musicians searching for new formal parameters and relations. The social practice of free improv provides an antedote to the consistency and other problems that the Private Language presents to the possibility of isolated attempts at formal innovation.

The composers discussed in Boring Formless Nonsense might also be brought in. I found BFN baffling at first and it was through the footnotes and references that I got most value out of it initially. One such is Christine Ross’s Aesthetics of Disengagement. She is a Professor of English at Stamford University

Ross seeks to root her analysis in available evidence and opts to  examine the contemporary epidemic of depression and the socially approved treatments. She suggests that contemporary art situates itself in the gap that has arisen between classic therapy via psychoanalysis and socially validated treatments such as Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Art opposes the cognitivist approach of CBT and consequently seeks to explore the subjective experience of art. Unfortunately in this subjective turn Ross believes it has abandoned key goals of modernity in emancipation and subversion. The result is that art has become an advocate for self absorption and the protection of the self from possible loss of the other. It elevates the equation of subjectivity and depression and follows a logic of disengagement. This all fits with subjectivity confronted by neo-liberalism. Ross gets to this position by examining fine art rather than music.

Tim H’s book appeared after the publication of Ross’s so we can only guess whether  she would endorse his approach given that he seeks to undermine any idea that music offers a route to personal wholen

[eldermck]

JESS I AM POSTING THIS HERE BC MSSG WOULDNT LET ME SEND IT ALL ---

Recovery - Mind Dump.

Find below a documentation on recovery - a messy beast at times. This is what people would refer to as a mind-dump because I am so all over the place at the moment. This isn’t some motivational post far from it. This isn’t some guide to self-care, once again far from it. This honestly a marker of where I am at (and since most of you know me who read this or semi-know me) I will share this with you. If you’re joining me from the future - hello!

I may even delete this I don’t know yet.

tw; ed (just incase)

————- —————-

Recovery is so tiresome. Relapse so tempting. I will say this at the beginning - I know relapse happens when recovering but I am facing a dilemma. I am not going to define recovery outright because it’s definition can vary person to person.

To those who have gone through it, well done you and those of us going through it we shall keep on fighting.

Sometimes we just want to collapse once again under the suffocating hold of the illnesses we once thought our friends? Right? They were never truly our friends. Or were they? Our minds try to trick us into believing that it’s best for us to return to the hold they had over us.

This my friend is the dilemma I am currently facing.

I have an ever growing need to recover. This time in two months I will be living away from home at university and I am worried that my mental illnesses are going to stick their heads above the parapets, giving me internal pressure to relapse. I am fully aware of this, I have had doctors,parents, and friends making all type of comments. Most nice, a few not.

I have already been told I had to take a gap year (done), finished a programme (check) in all intents and purposes I have camouflaged a year (not of my own choice) into a gap year something that I will look back on with pride. I have made friends and had amazing experiences there is no doubting that. I have come SO far in the past year but as everyone knows things change. I am a lot better in some aspects.

However there is a growing internal monologue:

“You're not going to be at home Olivia, you don’t have to eat properly, restrict, restrict, binge, purge” my mind is already planning in my head the ways I can lose the weight i’ve gained, the ways I can skate around the brink of relapse. I have planned every step and have been for a few weeks now. I don’t want to do this but my behaviour is already subconsciously changing.

Not helped by the fact I have to change CMHT from the one I have been under for three + years, to my local university one. This is once again a totally different post one which I will probably document I promised to document the peaks and troughs. Change is something which can cause seismic shifts because of my BPD, along with other problems associated with BPD. The smallest things send me spiralling. am fully aware I should be glad of the help I have had - I am honestly so happy that I have had support.

I am yo-yoing between true self-love/self-care and the ‘love’ I used to show my self. Newsflash: the love I used to show my self was self-destructive behaviours - so not real ‘love’. I hated myself - another post for another time. It’s funny what an eating disorder and BPD can do to you intertwined with severe depression and anxiety.

Internally my body is screaming at me, you can’t stay this way, “you’re *insert mean comment*” whilst trying to train myself to give myself compassion. The internal voices are overtaking the rational voices. I want to fit back into the dress I wore at my ‘worst’ (the doctors say) I still argue my ‘best’ but my best is never enough and wasn’t enough.

I know I was ill - I still am.  I am forever being told this. I am once again on the CBT waiting list for help for my eating disorder. In one sense I am only starting my journey but it’s a similar journey I undertook in CAMHS but just me being older and a bit better in other aspects of mental health.

Am I undoing all the work I’ve done this past year? My self-doubt and hatred make sudden appearances at the most inopportune moments and I am learning to deal with that. The days I have which are good change suddenly to bad, and vice versa and it’s so tiresome and so the embrace of past mistakes is calling me back and I am wondering if I should just let it engulf me because I have so far to go…

BUT…

Recovery can be a beautiful and changing thing but this wasn’t a post about this I could go on for days about how I am in recovery. Time is a fantastic healer and I am a world better than I was a year ago and I have not touched upon the leaps I have made since leaving CAMHS nearly 2 years ago now! I am a different person with more life experiences!

This post is a mess of a post and what I began typing wasn’t what I ended up with, but that is life.

All the best,

Olivia xx

“Recovery isn't about getting back to how you were before, it's about building something new - Anonymous”

[dxmedstudent]

An ask about what to do if you’re taking time out of med school, for health reasons.

hey, I've suffered from mental health problems for a while and 2 weeks ago I was in hospital because I took an overdose. I've decided to take a year out from medical school to focus on getting better. I know its the right decision but its also huge. I was wondering if you had any tips (or knew anyone who could give me tips) about what to do in my year off (I want to get a job but obviously want to focus on recovery) and if I should keep refreshing myself of my modules or not? And about keeping in touch with friends, and the university and what to expect starting clinical phase (I was due to start CP1 in a few weeks) after taking time off? 

Hi, friend. Sorry for the slow response, i’ve been mulling over how to answer as best as I can. I’m really sorry to hear that your health took a turn for the worse, it sound’s like you’ve been going through a particularly rough time. And I know medical school is, even in the best of times, a ridiculous juggling act. One that feels like the smallest gust of wind will cause us to drop everything. I’m glad that you took the decision to put yourself first, and focus on getting well, but I know from personal experience just how hard that is. It’s an incredibly hard step to take, and I am so, so proud of you for doing it, and for looking after yourself as best as you can. I actually know multiple people close to me who had to take one (or more) years out of med school due to ill health (mental or physical), so I’ve been mulling over my answer to try to think of everything. The first step is usually to focus on yourself first, and on doing whatever you need to get better. That’s usually making contact with healthcare professionals (if you haven’t already) and working out a plan. It might be medication, it might be counsellling, or CBT, depending on what your conditions and symptoms are. And treatments can make a huge difference; I cannot emphasise enough how much it helps not to suffer alone. This is also the time to reach out to friends and family you feel would understand, because they can be a huge help, even when they can’t walk in your shoes. Part of your treatment will isually be to slowly build up a regular routine, which will involve some exercise (it can be short walks, doesn’t have to be hitting the gym), eating sustainedly, and other aspects of self-care. If you’re already doing that, great! If your mental faculties tolerate it (I’m not being funny, I’m also thinking of people with chronic fatigue or severe depression who can’t take that much at first) even at the beginning, it’s great just to keep reading medicine. It doesn’t have to be textbooks at this stage, start off with interesting articles and things you like; just to keep your mind active. As you progress, you can tailor how much you read, and whether you go back to reading your notes and pacing yourself out with revision, later in the year. How much you can do, and when, depends a lot on the course of your illness and your precise symptoms, but I think it’s fair to say that as you progress you’lll probably be able to tolerate more information/revision. But it’s really important to keep your psychiatrist in on the loop as you progress, in terms of how you are doing. If you feel like you are overdoing it, take a step back. Your tutors at university have not ceased to care for you now that you have interrupted your studies. They may well know of interesting projects and opportunities going on in their department, or be able to refer you to someone who does. The people I know did manage to find stuff to do in their time out, because they just asked around, or got involved with med student societies, or university student societies in general. And networking with student societies about specialities you like is helpful because they might also share opportunities that come up.  You can even look up societies online which are active in you country. It could be things like writing for med student papers, or maybe writing a review paper to submit to journals, if there’s a topic you are really into. There’s also med student essay prizes. Or you could ask any doctors you enjoyed shadowing if they have any audits they’d like doing. It could be doing a little part time volunteer work or something else to get you out of the house and interacting with people. Or perhaps a part time course, if it’s not strenuous mentally. It’s also a time during which you can explore your own hobbies and interests. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do? Now’s the time to consider if you can make it hapen. And if you’re well enough to do it, finding little projects or things to do is a great idea. I know there’s sometimes a misconception that people who are sick shouldn’t be doing *anything* or they aren’t sick ‘enough’, but that’s really not true. It’s actually really, really important to keep active and have things to do, and a sense of purpose. Part of recovering from a prolonged illness is also gradually working your way back to full time studies or work, and that often involves lower-intensity stuff earlier on, to ease you back into having a structured 9-5 day of studying. For what it’s worth, the people I know were advised to take a similar approach, by multiple specialists and tutors. Usually, people need to start off really light, and focusing on self care. Then as they get better, they can take more on, until they are basically at their baseline. I have to emphasise that the path to recovery is different for everyone, and ther eis no one correct way to do it. So there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Some people need mre time before they do ‘other tuff’, others might have a higher baseline from the start and be a lot more active. My suggestions above are based on the personal experiences ofpeople around me, but the exact plan that works for you might be entirely different. And plans are not static, but fluid, so whatever works for you will be something you and the professionals su You can even look up societies online which are active in you country. It could be things like writing for med student papers, or maybe writing a review paper. It could be doing a little part time volunteer work or something else to get you out of the house and interacting with people. Or perhaps a part time course, if it’s not strenuous mentally. porting you work out as you go along. Good luck, and let me know how you get along :)

[nchester]

7 Ways to Bounce Back from Losing Your Job

Whether you’ve been laid off, fired or even quit voluntarily, losing a job can land like a kick in the crotch. It’s not just the vanished paychecks, you may feel like a door has slammed behind you, shutting you out from an identity, a community. You may find yourself in a storm of difficult emotions: shock, anxiety, shame, anger. That’s all normal, but it’s hard to handle.

Here are 7 ways you can bounce back from losing a job:

1. Grieve privately and develop a public “exit statement”

Many of us process our feelings by “venting.” Okay, but be careful who you complain to about what went down with your job, because everyone you know is potentially part of your job hunting network. Any acquaintance might become influential, however indirectly, when you start looking for a new job. If you seem upset or bitter they may well sympathize, but they may hesitate to recommend you or to make introductions.

So avoid talking about your job loss to people other than your closest friends and family until you’ve had a chance to calm down. Meanwhile, prepare a brief statement you can use to answer the question “What happened to your job?” Keep it short and sweet, like this:

“A business decision was made that eliminated 10 positions, including mine. There’s a silver lining to it, because now I can look for an opportunity that’s a better fit.”

If you were fired, your exit statement might sound more like this:”I’ve left X company. There have been some changes in the company/my role/my interests that make it not as great a fit for me as it was in the past. The bright side is, this gives me an opportunity to get out and find something better. I’m going to look for opportunities doing . . .”

Prepare your exit statement as soon as possible after leaving, because there are many situations where your “between jobs” status may come up in conversation. And whatever you do, don’t freak out on Facebook, traumatize on Twitter and sniffle on Snapchat. The Internet is Forever. Keep your online image positive.

“Success is measured by how high you bounce when you hit bottom.” – George S. Patton

2. If you’ve been fired, know you’re in good company

Many extremely successful people have gotten the axe, from Lee Iacocca to Madonna. They went on to bigger and better things. If you’re angry, just remember that living well is the best revenge.

3. Give immediate attention to any safety nets available to you

If you’re eligible for unemployment insurance, file for it without delay. Consider COBRA or another health insurance option; it may be expensive but a medical emergency while unemployed can be crippling. Contact your creditors and ask about short-term hardship programs that might let you miss payments without penalties.

4. Nurture your natural resilience and heal yourself

We all have some amount of resilience, an ability to bounce back. We can build it up, according to the American Psychological Association, by doing these things:

Accept that change is a part of living.

Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems.

Move toward your goals.

Take care of yourself.

Taking care of yourself may not come naturally if your job separation was traumatic, but moping around the house watching TV, drinking and drowning your woes in junk food will leave you more depressed than you started. Treat your brain and body with respect.

Effective ways to heal include brief therapies such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), hypnotherapy, prayer, meditation, journaling, exercise, and learning to encourage yourself.

Just waiting for time to “heal all wounds” is not always such a great plan.

5. Take some time off if you want but beware of the gap

Employers are suspicious of job seekers who linger in “long-term unemployment,” generally defined as six months or more. The longer that gap grows, the harder it gets to sell yourself. Don’t let that happen to you. Take a renewing vacation or “staycation” for a few weeks, but set a date to get started on your job search.

If you’re determined to take a lengthy sabbatical, do something constructive that will look good on your resume. Volunteer, travel, go back to school, join the Peace Corps, write a book. Have something to say for yourself when you’re ready to go back to work. If it’s work-related, all the better.

“When everything seems to be going against you remember that an airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” – Henry Ford

6. Review your career direction if necessary

Does losing your job make you want to rethink your career? Now is the time to explore your options. Use the “Advanced Search” features on sites like Indeed and LinkedIn to enter various combinations of skills and qualifications. See what jobs come up. Do informational interviews, read a book or get career counseling.

Free-lance work can be a great test flight and gap-filler, and it may develop into something more. When I was laid off from my corporate training department job in 2008 I assumed I wanted to continue in the same field. I found myself on the verge of being hired, only to realize I had zero excitement about taking the job. I turned it down, thinking there must be something better.

With unemployment benefits running out I needed cash. Since I had some background in writing resumes and coaching job seekers, I put an ad on Craigslist and started getting clients. I discovered I loved the work and being self-employed. It grew into a profitable new career and I’ve never looked back.

There are endless possibilities for operating your own business. If entrepreneurism appeals to you and if you’ve got what it takes to be happy in it, go for it. Most people, on the other hand, prefer the stability of a regular job.

7. Plan a “best practices” job search

You may have lucked into jobs in the past. Maybe you were referred by a contact or recruited by headhunters. That may happen again this time, or it may not. You may be surprised how much you need to work hard – and work smart – this time around.

Don’t just sit in front of the computer applying to jobs hundreds of other people are applying to. Get out and do some networking meetings and informational interviews.  

Make sure your resume, LinkedIn profile, cover letters and interview skills are the best they can be. Study articles and books by job search experts. Consider hiring a career coach. All of this can help you get back in the game a lot faster.

In the long run, losing your job may be the best thing that ever happened to you. A few months down the road you may find yourself in a better role, thinking what a blessing in disguise it was to leave that old job in the dust. Turn losing your job into the start of a better life.

How do you recover from losing your job? Comment below!

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4 Ways to Make the Most of Darker, Shorter Days

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Everyone knows that the fall time change can put a damper on mood and energy levels, especially if you spend most of your now-shortened daylight hours indoors. And it's not hard to imagine how earlier sunsets and colder temperatures can translate to less time spent outdoors—and more time at home on the couch.

But it doesn't have to be that way, say health experts. In fact, the November shift from Daylight Saving to Standard Time can be an opportunity to reset your schedule and priorities when it comes to health and well-being. Here are four ways you can make this season's shorter days work for you rather than against you.

Finally fix your sleep schedule

Millions of Americans don't currently get the recommended seven to eight hours of sleep at night, and many of us stay up later than we should—doing work, watching television, or tossing and turning in bed. But with the sun setting an hour earlier, it may feel natural to start your evening routine a bit earlier as well.

“You may find it's easier to wind down and go to bed a little bit earlier,” says Kenneth P. Wright Jr., PhD, professor of integrative physiology and director of the Sleep and Chronobiology Laboratory at the University of Colorado Boulder. “If you haven't been getting enough sleep and you can take this opportunity to get an extra hour or 30 minutes or so, that's going to be an immediate benefit to your health.”

Research shows that there are fewer heart attacks on the Monday following the fall shift from Daylight Saving Time compared to other Mondays throughout the year, and experts think that extra hour of sleep may play a role. “Try to carry that extra hour with you and be consistent about it, rather than falling back into your old habits,” Wright says.

RELATED: 8 Ways to Cope With Seasonal Affective Disorder

Use it as a reason to leave the office for lunch

Even for the busiest people, short breaks during the workday have been shown to reduce fatigue and improve productivity—especially if they involve heading outdoors and getting some exercise. Now, you have another excuse to do just that.

“Going outside in the middle of the day, even if it’s just for 15 minutes, can help get you some of that mood-boosting sunlight you may be missing if you go to work before the sun rises and you leave work after it sets,” Wright says. Sitting in front of a window may also be helpful, he says, but going for a walk will likely give you more energy heading into your afternoon.

Also, resist the urge to throw on your sunglasses every time you step outside, says Angelos Halaris, MD, PhD, professor of psychiatry and behavioral neurosciences at Loyola University, since they can block sunlight’s feel-good effects on the brain. (You should still wear them if you're spending considerable time outdoors, of course.)

Embrace a new fitness challenge

Despite the earlier sunsets, fall is still an excellent time to try a new fitness routine or step up your exercise habits; after all, outdoor activities like running and hiking can be much less grueling in cooler temperatures. (Just be sure to take precautions if you're outdoors in the dark, like wearing weather-appropriate and reflective gear.)

Committing to 150 minutes of moderate to vigorous physical activity a week is good for your heart and your overall health. It also releases endorphins that can boost mood and energy levels, says Wright, and it can help you sleep better at night. Plus, if you adopt a new habit now, it may help you get through the indulgent holiday season without gaining that dreaded winter weight.

Talk to a professional if you’re feeling down

If you’ve tried all of the above and you’re still not feeling like your normal happy or energetic self, a doctor or mental-health counselor may be able to help. He or she may recommend light therapy, which involves sitting in front of a special lamp or light box for 30 or so minutes a day to reduce the effects of seasonal affective disorder (SAD).

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To prevent future episodes of SAD, however, cognitive behavioral therapy (also known as CBT or talk therapy) may work better in the long run. In a 2015 University of Vermont study, CBT was more effective at preventing relapses in future winters compared to light therapy.

In their CBT sessions, patients were taught to challenge negative thoughts about dark winter months and to resist harmful behaviors like social isolation. They could then refer back to those strategies whenever they needed, say the study authors, and didn't have to commit to daily treatments (as they would with a light box), which can be difficult to maintain.

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Thinness is not a rent you pay to exist

Every Wednesday I have a therapy session at the ED clinic I attend weekly. I am an outpatient now, so this means largely going recovery alone. I am lucky that, despite a very tricky gap from inpatients to outpatients care, I ended up with a fantastic therapist. The thing is therapy like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is tricky because it’s based on the assumption that thought processes are faulty and thus need to be altered in order to perceive reality correctly. To its credit, mostly CB therapists don’t believe that everything is wonderful and you’re too ‘ill’ to see it, rather that some things can be average or even bad but your perception of them might make these things intolerable or that you only see the worst in situations where there can be good. This is extremely useful, especially in EDs where we tend to put an inordinate amount of thought on our weight, shape or appearance and CBT can help us shift our focus to other places.

There is a problem, though. I remember very clearly during treatment that a healthcare professional told me that it’s not out of the ordinary for a woman to be concerned about eating out at a restaurant for fear of gaining weight. Now it wasn’t like I hadn’t been fully aware of the absolute metric fuck-tonne of body-hating bile spilled by corporations and mass media designed to make you want to despise every inch of yourself enough to spend as much as you can on their products or services (think gyms, think plastic surgery, think beauty products). But perhaps through an eating disorder, it truly dawned on me that the problems it created were so endemic that it was hard to prise apart the experiences of someone with a diagnosis of an eating disorder and someone without. I have relatives who go to the gym obsessively, who talk to me about food nearly the whole time we are together and who would never even consider their behaviour disordered or problematic, no matter how much psychological stress they are clearly under from the amount of time needed to take out of their day for this, never mind being constantly hungry. As I began to look around, once I was confronted with the supposed ‘abnormality’ of my behaviour in my diagnosis, I saw disordered eating in many people that I knew in many different forms. In fact, I had had severely disordered eating up to 2 years before my treatment began but hardly anybody noticed because I hardly stood out, I mean why would I? Everyone else was doing it.

I am not the first person who has been enthusiastically congratulated, repeatedly might I add, on what was a very unhealthy body size. People I didn’t even know would gush at the sight of my body. (I like to really refrain from making any references to my size to prevent reinforcing stereotypes about the ‘typical’ person with an ED, but in this context it’s necessary.) However, as I have been overweight in my life as well, I am very familiar with the disgusting fatphobia that accompanies having a larger body. I used to get asked if I was pregnant, given unwanted tips on weight loss, get shouted at in the street and spoken to badly by customers at work as well as facing systemic oppression such as unhelpful treatment by doctors and very rude healthcare staff.

So we can see from the above that according to western beauty standards, it’s simple: thin is good, fat is bad.

So my question then, and unfortunately my unresolved question now, is how do I go about recovery in a world that doesn’t want me to recover? How do I go about recovery when it is accepted that feeling hatred towards your body is very widely accepted? And yes, whilst men do get eating disorders, it’s important to recognise that many of these are members of the LGBTQ community, and despite their underrepresentation, women of colour not only get EDs at high rates but they often aren’t diagnosed or treated appropriately. These are people who are told that their bodies don’t fit with white western beauty standards. If you are told that your body doesn’t belong, doesn’t fit, needs to be changed then yes, people may respond with disordered eating and at what point do we consider this an absurd response? Is it at all? I don’t think so. Now this isn’t to say that eating disorders are the correct and only response and in no way is this an attempt to trivialise the serious issues of people whose eating behaviours are particularly damaging to their wellbeing. However, I am attempting to illustrate the extent to which problematic eating behaviours manifest themselves more widely than just simply in the minds of those diagnosed with an eating disorder.

Don’t get me wrong, the body positivity movement can be of great help, but often it is still focused on ‘beauty’ or what is ‘beautiful’. It is still very body focused.

So yeah, I can say go seek out some body positivity and maybe you should, but it seems like such an individualistic response. Fuck blaming a phantom, omnipotent “media”, the “media” isn’t politically influenced by itself, it’s politically influenced by capital. Money. Capital that needs YOUR capital to thrive. Capital that needs you to feel bad about yourself, enough to spend money, enough not to feel like you’re worth anything more than a shit job in terrible conditions, a terribly maintained rented accommodation, £28,000+ tuition fees. Capital that needs you to dislike yourself, your body, your power and everything that it represents.

So how in good faith can I commit to recovery by changing my thought process surrounding this? Because I’m right aren’t I? The evidence is there. This doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying, it means I’ll assess the ways in which to do so, and I think that means tearing down the very institutions that make people feel like I do, and maybe like you do.