#'taking issue at any given moment' makes a shit ton of sense

[chrismerle]

The client: Can you go over this with Grammarly? Me: I would love to, but it only actually UNDERLINES its suggestions about 32% of the time and I don't want to play a scavenger hunt for which iterations of the word 'and' it's taking issue with at any given moment.

[silmarillaure]

Finweans ranked by Aura

Feanor - So powerful he sucked the life force out of his mother, invented a ton of cool shit, had more children with his wife than any of the other Eldar, died in battle while his body combusted into flames because he was just that hot, & the King of the Valar who he hated cried over him.

Earendil - Cool as hell, has a wife who's cool as hell. Predestined to be a hero even though he comes from a basic vanilla bloodline (besides his great grandpa Fingolfin). Even though most of his ancestors were nobodies or flops, most of his descendants that came after him were cool as hell.

Maedhros - Might have been higher than his father & cousin if he didn't khs, Lowkey an Aura loss moment but he makes up for a lot with his gorgeous red hair, height, surviving Morgoth's torture, & sorta fulfilling his dad's dumb oath.

Fingolfin - The only good thing his bland vanilla mother did was give birth to him. He was a total badass I've got to admit even as a Feanorian stan. Him crossing the helcaraxë & his death were top Aura moments.

Elrond/Elros - They're twins so they can share a spot too. Both badass as hell.

Fingon - Called "the Valient", braids gold into his hair, saved his sexy redheaded cousin, & became King of the Noldor. Everything about him screams Aura.

Galadriel - Despite the fact she's a Feanor anti (Booooo!!!), she admittedly has a ton of Aura. She's smarter than possibly everyone else here given she survived when the rest of her generation either got themselves killed or spends all their time being a sad beach cryptid.

Gil-Galad - Cool as hell, managed to make an alliance Maedhros could only dream of.

Maglor - Has a couple Aura loss moments but in the end he LIVED which is an Aura gain. Also gets Aura points for having the best voice in Arda.

Celebrimbor - Pretty rad dude, love how he's more like Feanor than his father Curufinwe Jr is, unfortunately he died.

Finrod - His death is cool as fuck. Looses points for cockblocking his little brother & dying for that basic joe Beren though.

Caranthir - Goth Icon. Love how despite his raging anger issues he's also an awesome guy you'd want to be friends with.

Finwe - A massive flop in a ton of ways but definitely still has Aura. Looses Aura points for failing Feanor & choosing to marry an unsexy Vanya when he could've waited for his sexy talented silver haired Noldo wife to come back to life. Only good thing about him besides his awesome hair is that he's Feanor & Fingolfin's father.

Aredhel - Cool as hell but has terrible taste in men. Her whole white aesthetic & her wild personality gain her Aura points though.

Turgon - The only cool thing about him is that he built Gondolin which wins him some Aura points. Looses Aura points for getting played by his nephew & dying pathetically though.

Idril - She's cool I guess, the only thing of note that she did was give birth to the chad Earendil. Tuor is such a basic guy though, he's not the worst but she could do better.

Aegnor - Cool hair. Pulled a baddie. Fumbled the baddie.

Angrod - Not the most stand out Finwean but he seems to be a mama's boy & he didn't do anything wrong so I'll put him above the family flops.

Finduilas - She's a sweetie but she looses Aura points for falling out of love with a great guy like Gwindor & falling in love with Turin the walking L.

Celegorm - Stupid as hell for trying to use a powerful half-Angel as a political weapon against her father. Looses more Aura points for getting abandoned by his dog & dying at the hands of said half-Angel's 30 y/o mortal son while he's over 1000 y/o. Gains some Aura points for being able to talk to animals, his hair, & his hot bastard energy.

Curufin - Feanor with 99% less Aura. His only achievement is having Celebrimbor yet he still couldn't even succeed at being Feanor 2.0 and having 7 kids to continue the family line. Had the chance to kill Eol but didn't which led to his favorite cousin dying (that's a huge L).

Finarfin - Takes after his mother in the sense he's vanilla af. The tiny percent of Aura he has is from his Noldo side obviously and he used that to pull a baddie like Earwen. All his kids get their Aura from their mother's side.

Orodreth - I like the guy, but he's definitely a dumbass with no Aura. He inherited a kingdom but isn't particularly good at anything. His only accomplishment is possibly fathering Gil-Galad.

Maeglin - Orodreth might have no Aura but this guy has negative Aura. His childhood sucked but he's such a walking L that's he's somehow more of a loser than both Celegorm & Eol combined.

[mgu-h]

Them saying it's just a professional relationship makes it easier for them on track. Carlos already said he leaves extra space when he's racing Lando and he got ton of shit for that, so admitting to the public they're close makes things way more complicated on track and in f1 in general. Also they both seem to gatekeep their hangouts these days unless they chose to post an ig story here and there and I kinda understand why, this sport is ruthless 😅

Yeah like.. it's absolutely not in your own or your team's best interest to allow sentiment to interfere with driving on track. I think Carlos saying that he'd treat Lando in any way different is entirely wild, and I'm not surprised he got pushback about it. It's not... done. When Lando talked about his relationship with Max Verstappen as being "split," I don't think that's in any way unique to Max. It really does apply to Carlos too. Too much bleed between a friendship off track and sentimentality on track would be career ending.

At this level of competition, all the drivers when they are in the mindset of racing are in an altered state with most private issues are stripped away. Racing is a mental sport just as much as physical, and since they were small boys in karts they all practiced more than just how to take an apex. They also learned how to put on their racing focus the way they put on a race suit and helmet, and go out to destroy their friends. The world on track is entirely separate and much more simple, or else they just wouldn't be able to drive at 200mph and go wheel to wheel around corners. 

Seeing a friend on track, there's absolutely no room for putting his interests above your own. Lando seeing the 55 car, the driver "Carlos" is not even really a person at that moment, it's a set of attributes that will help predict how the car is going to behave when you get close. It gives you information like how desperate will he be to defend the position? Can I trust him to not move under breaking or drive me off track? Can I trust him to look in his mirrors and know that I'm here? A driver will have learned over the decades of being behind the wheel how to attack or defend differently given all that data. It's in no way personal, it's a calculus done instantly based on intuition and race prep. 

Lando would not expect Carlos to yield, though he may instinctively trust that he will not race dirty, and that's the extent that their friendship should guide their racing. It's one of my biggest pet peeves with how this sport is reported on and how many fans talk about interpersonal relationships on track. It's like people don't use their empathy to imagine what it's like to be doing such an insanely risky thing as driving F1 cars. They like to think of the drivers as fearless and just as detached as the audience is on the couch, but that's not true. Fear is physical, it's arousal in proximity to danger, and other cars are real threats and targets, not mere human people.

In order to succeed the drivers have to be able to let their fight or flight adrenaline response move them faster than conscious thought. They have to be guided by irrational emotional reasoning without sentimentality, like trust without friendship and distrust without malice. Carlos's gut reaction cannot be to give way to Lando, and vice versa. It's ruthlessly logical and clinical in a sense, chess at 200mph, and intensely driven by insane, irrational desire to win and dominate the others on track, friends or no. Once the helmet is on, they're not the same person anymore, they're both more and less than themselves.

Once they're out of the cars and the adrenaline slips away and they remember who they are and who they are to each other, a private and warm friendship can resume, if it exists, though resentment from incidents bleeding into private life seems easier and more likely than the reverse. There are just absolutely no friends on track. There are cars you trust, and cars you don't, and you're trying to beat all of them no matter what.

[emilemily]

Moving to Washington was very calculated. Florida had become too expensive and I have my only full-blooded sister here in WA. I was so excited to come out here and be close to her and her husband and my nephews. I was soooo excited to feel a normal sort of family bond for the first time ever now that we’re adults and can have one totally without the influence of anyone

But it’s almost as if I’m being pushed away and ostracized because I have made choices that they didn’t agree with.

Instead of taking another full-time desk job, I decided to continue doing online content while starting school for a bachelors degree in marketing

And ever since I made that decision and moved into my own apartment on may 1st, it’s as if my sister and her husband hate me. I reach out to him and ask if they’d like to do dinner, which my sister says is the way to his heart, and he says they’re super busy and we will meet up “one day soon”

He doesn’t text me at all anymore.

He last texted me about the job. I know my sister told him I didn’t take it and why, and he still texted me and asked why. Not that it’s any of his business, but I decided to answer him anyway.

I told him that this particular job is in a seasonal industry, which means that taking time off between May and October is not allowed. It was even in the offer letter. Given my health issues the last few months leading to tons of dr appts, therapy, ortho, and now physical therapy, how would that have ever made sense?

I said it way nicer than that, but still.

He left me on read and didn’t reply. A couple of days passed and he texts and says “sorry I didn’t reply, I just didn’t know what to say.”

No, you were sending a message. If you were told by my sister that I didn’t accept the job, then knowing you two, you asked her why and she said exactly why. You texted me that intentionally so that you could ignore me when I told you. If you already knew why I didn’t accept it, why did you ask me for the reason if you knew you wouldn’t know what to say?

You wanted me to sense your displeasure. You wanted to drive the point home. You won’t tell me what you’re really thinking, so instead you behave passive aggressively.

I have no clue on earth what I have done to be treated like this. I will be 30 this year and am perfectly capable of making my own decisions, whether you understand it or not. I have never once criticized you or even shown any negative feelings about anything you’ve done because I understand that you are free to do as you see fit.

We all are.

All I want in this world is to have a family. A real family that loves me and is there for me. Unconditionally.

I feel so frozen out by the people I moved here to be close to and it fucking hurts so bad.

I’m going through some serious medical shit and my own sister wouldn’t talk to me about it while I was so on edge yesterday. But texts are going through S about money and due dates and other things.

I’m just so confused and honestly, I think that this has impacted my mental health more than anything. Trying to read minds. Trying to understand without a lot of info or anything to go off of.

Maybe my being an internet slut bothers you. Fair enough. It’s not for everyone. But it’s paying my bills and keeping me afloat as I deal with medical shit whilst going back to school and finding myself for the first time in years.

Why do I have to wonder how anyone in my family feels about me? Why can’t I just feel loved? I try so hard to show love to others. I want so badly to feel close to them.

My work hours can be weird and at times unpredictable, but when I’m available, I’m there. I feel so judged it’s disgusting.

People get a taste of success and they completely forget where they came from. Fact of the matter is, your success could dissipate at any moment. Any singular moment. Your company could go under and that would be that.

But it’s thriving because of your work ethic. I’m proud of you for that. But work ethic isn’t always enough and your success could be snatched back at any moment. Stay humble. Remember who you were just 10 years ago. I know I haven’t forgotten.

My sister told me “Sorry if he was weird about you turning down the job… he just has a very…particular idea of what success looks like”

Crushed my heart. So is success sitting at a desk 5 days a week? Is it working my way up within a company that could put me out on my ass at anytime? Is it being a yes man? Is it getting into a company I don’t care about at a low level position just to kiss ass all the way to the top?

I’m sorry, but not everyone succeeds that way, or sees that as success for themselves. To someone that is success and I’m proud of anyone who is successful in their own eyes. But I will never be happy living a life like that unless it is something I’m passionate about.

Never ever ever

And that is my choice to make. My own burden to bear. I never asked you to find my success for me, nor did I ever beg you for guidance on how to find it.

In fact, I told you about the way in which I’d found my own success and you tried to push yours onto me.

I never needed that. All I ever needed was love, to feel cared for. To feel like no matter how you feel about my work, you still love and embrace me as your family.

I’ve moved thousands of miles from Florida for this and all I feel is alone and sad. Sick, alone and sad. I don’t understand.

We all have our shit, I know that. But how can family make me feel like nothing with such ease?

It hurts so bad I can’t even explain it.

One day I will feel like I belong and like I am loved.

Just not today.

If everyone in this world minded their business unless someone was hurting or needed help, my god how much better we would all be doing.

Goodnight.

[farmergadda]

Smarter people than I have written at length about rules lawyers and why they are the way they are. Primarily, the focus tends to be on how DMs can work with or around those people to benefit their individual games, but I've been thinking a lot about the rules of dnd on their own.

Dungeons and Dragons has always been a set of prescribed rules- the nature of the mechanics require a level of sensible math in order to make all the parts connect together in ways that make sense, so in order to not bungle it up by just doing whatever feels right, every potential action or interaction needs to have defined rules, preferably tested and tweaked to perfection, with any rough edge cases filed off or given a seperate set of rules in the event you need them. This is why dnd as a community is obsessed with the idea of "balance." If an item gives just one point too many to a roll, it skews a shit ton of the math that goes into probability, if an effect lasts for just one round too many, it makes other abilities the statistical worse option to take- if you don't use the Grapple Rules, what's to stop players from taking advantage of X Y and Z?

It's a system where the math is obfuscated to the point of mysticism so the players can believe they're going on fantasy land adventures, but also so REQUIRED, that any action that doesn't have the Right Math attached to it can effectively "RUIN" the entire experience. And for a lot of people who are super INTO that math, who understand it and can manipulate it, and considering the crunch as part of the fun of the thing- that's perfectly ok! There's a reason the community split off for Pathfinder.

But my issue and why I've been thinking on it, is how it greatly LIMITS play. Because there needs to be consistant, fine tuned rules for everything, in a game where you're arguably allowed to imagine ANYTHING, the game fails to live up to the needs of it's key players. If you're a Theatre Kid who wants to do dramatic, off the wall, crazy shit because it feels right in the moment- you need a DM who's capable enough of coming up with a shit ton of math on the fly. (which is a seperate thread) If you're a Rules Lawyer... well.

Because the fantasy assumes there's a rule for everything, and the fantasy operates solely on those rules, then the Rules must be The Game. Nothing outside of the rules can exist, for if it does, then the rules aren't infallible, and the entire premise this game hinges on is that the rules are infallible! It isn't so much a break in immersion as a break in trust. The Rules are the gold standard backing the DM's fantasy world- we can trust in the DM because we know they're beholden to the rules.

There either is a rule for something, or it may as well not exist. And to circle back to the start of this ramble- the obfuscatedd nature of 5e math doesn't even mean the math needs to be accurate or right! A lot of people just assume it's correct if it's formatted similar enough to official 5e materials. It's the illusion of objective correctivity that they cling to. And because we're humans- when something arises to tell us that our perception of the game, the rules, the fantasy, the reality is WRONG??? yeah, we don't respond well to that kinda stuff.

And all of this would be perfectly fine. I've long established myself as someone who doesn't like, nor has any interest in playing 5e. Ignoring the social aspect of ttrpgs, I could simply exist in my own personal bubble and happily never need to deal with any of this ever again. But I still play fantasy games. And I still have players who through cultural osmosis, approach me with the same ingrained behaviors as ardent 5e players have. It's literally the backbone of their game! The rules are the arbiters of what can and cannot exist in the fantasy.

Anything that exists OUTSIDE of the rules aren't to be attempted, for fear of "ruining" the game. What if something weird happens as the result of an unforseen interaction? How can we trust the DM if they're not linking everything back to a stable, almost divine set of operating parameters we can sort of understand? Something something Mr. Incredible Math is Math gif.

[recurring-polynya]

The shinigami buffoonery in the TYBW was unparalleled, and even though you know I love those idiot grim reapers with my whole chest, I general feel like they did not deserve the W on that one (the bit where they are told not to use their bankai and, like, five captains immediately use it???) However, my languishing-in-the-elementary-school-dropoff-line thought of the day is this: The Quincy really did snatch defeat from the jaws of victory by the very simple virtue of never making sure anyone is actually dead.

It’s pretty obvious to me, and makes sense in universe, that high-powered shinigami are really hard to kill. Shinigami have bodies, but they are mostly just there to make everyone feel better, they don’t function like our meathusks, filled with delicate systems of organs and...mucuses and stuff. Shinigami are an incomplete set of memories, bound together by a will to exist. If you wound a shinigami in a way that would definitely kill a human-- disemboweling them for example (a thing that definitely happened to Ichigo once), it will traumatize them for sure, but if they can make it through the initial wound trauma, their spirit (possibly their zanpakutou) will just start spackling their reishi back together. Consider, if you will, how much blood came out of Renji when he fought Byakuya.

I think Byakuya assumes he’s leaving Renji for dead here, given the whole speech about “your bankai has disappeared, you must be close to death” (and let us also consider-- Byakuya considers this to be the indicator that Renji is about to bite it, rather than the fact that most of Renji could be picked up with a mop at this point). Rikichi and Hanatarou come by, but you get the sense that they didn’t save Renji’s life, they just got him back into fighting shape. I’m not sure that if he had just lain there indefinitely, if he would have gotten well enough to get up, but I definitely feel like Renji is incapable of bleeding out. I think this is normally the sort of thing that separates a lieutenant from a captain (or at least a lieutenant with captain potential from, say Omaeda), but Renji is incredibly stubborn generally, and at this moment was incredibly driven to keep going in order to save Rukia.

To actually kill a shinigami, it seems like you have to either cut off or destroy their head, or cut them roughly in half. Even when Tousen gets stabbed through the brain, he is still able to chat a little bit before, um, exploding, for some reason, which is definitely not what would happen to a person who got stabbed through the brain. You can even cut a shinigami, like 65-35, and if the head is on the big half, they can probably survive that. This has happened to Hitsugaya, like 4 times, although I don’t remember which ones turned out to be illusions or in filler, or what, but I am pretty sure that there were at least twice. I mentioned earlier that a shinigami is a set of memories, but another way to think of that is that they are a self-concept. This is sort of a two-edged sword, in the sense that it is this identification with their physical corpus that can cause them to die if it gets hacked up too bad. Mayuri, who is able to think of himself as a big moving glob of reishi, might be nearly impossible to kill without literally, like, doing some sort of Quincy reishi absorption trick. He turned himself into a goo once. (Incidentally, I think Urahara is also very good at this, as evidenced by his bankai).

As far as I can think, the only shinigami we have ever seen succumb to their wounds is Gin, and this holds to my theory, too-- he’s spent over a century lying in wait to take Aizen down. He took his shot and it wasn’t enough. Then, Ichigo shows up, and Gin looks at him, says ‘I am no longer needed’ and dies.

So, back to the point!

The Quincy did a lot of property damage and killed a shit-ton of low-level shinigami. I’m sorry to them, but let’s face it, the low-level shinigami have never played... really... any significant role in Bleach. In terms of actually taking out people with enough power to be considered players:

Sasakibe is killed by a group of seven Quincy as a warning shot

Yhwach personally kills Yamamoto

Unohana lets herself get killed by Kenpachi because she very much wanted to be excluded from this narrative so he would get stronger (still not convinced this was necessary)

Nemu dies while fighting Pernida because she pushed herself past safe operational limits

Ukitake sacrifices himself to keep reality from collapsing

Yhwach and his best guys do manage to kill (temporarily) Squad 0 using a 1-time power-up that claimed the lives of most of the other Quincy forces. It is implied that it is not possible to kill Squad 0 permanently.

You might notice a pattern here, which is that the Quincy suck ass at killing shinigami. Furthermore, at one time or another, the Quincy KO’d a significant portion of the main cast: Kira, Byakuya, Renji, Rukia, Kenpachi, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto. Renji and Rukia interrupted Mask just as he finished taking down Kensei, Rose, Hisagi, Ikkaku and Yumichika, but Giselle gets ahold of Rose and Kensei later and zombifies them, which I am very distinctly not sure is a better strategy than just killing them (it certainly doesn’t pan out very successfully). There may have been some other of these fights that were interrupted, I am not going to re-read the whole TYBW arc for the purposes of this post. My point is, instead of spending one hundred billion Quincy dollars on developing bankai stealing abilities, I would have also given the Sternritter a PowerPoint presentation consisting of a single slide that just says “once they go down, make sure they’re dead.” Personally, I probably would have divided my forces into frontline fighters like Bazz and As Nodt and Bambi, and given them squads to follow along behind them, cutting off heads and incinerating bodies. Then again, Yhwach seemed to give exactly zero shits about personnel issues or strategy, generally.

Mostly, this war was a matter of Yhwach trying to do stuff and various shinigami preventing him from doing it. The TYBW arc is a mess and I am honestly not willing to put in the amount of effort to determine if there were actually any linchpin characters aside from, Ichigo, obviously, but I feel like if the Quincy had gone the extra 0.1% in that first invasion and actually finished off Byakuya, Rukia, Renji, and Kenpachi, they would have won the whole thing.

But they didn’t. lol.

[bigskydreaming]

what are your opinions on we are robin?

Massively complicated by the fact that DC's writers don't have an ACAB bone in their collective bodies.

Dunno how new to my blog you are and thus how familiar or not you are with my ACAB stance for Dick and my personal tendency to never acknowledge or interact with the specific idea of Dick as a cop...like there's more than enough material for me to work with without ever having to delve into that and I fundamentally believe being a cop is counter to everything I see as Dick's core premise and makes no sense given the specific origins and continuities I view as most 'him' -

But I WOULD have a lot of thoughts about how Dick would feel about this massive city-wide movement that he had no hand in creating and how he would inevitably feel personally responsible for every life to put on a facscimile of his family's costume AND the things they did in those costumes (such as the kid who was manipulated into killing someone while in that guise, per the Court of Owls' agenda).....

AND I would have a ton of thoughts about the fact that it was Alfred who secretly engineered this movement and how he of all people should know how Dick might feel about that, and thus how Dick WOULD feel about that information, but complicated and coupled with the fact that Alfred most certainly was motivated in part by his grief for Dick and seeing this as a kind of legacy, a way to honor his grandson, and able to justify to himself any transgressions towards Dick's feelings here with the idea that Dick wasn't alive TO be hurt by his actions here....

BUT the reason I avoid engaging with We Are Robin content beyond acknowledging it as Duke's origin story in the background of Duke content I write....

Is I absolutely can not - or more to the point - WILL NOT - attempt to justify Dick's decision to get all the kids arrested and locked up for their own safety while he went after the Court alone.

To be clear - I absolutely am of the opinion that Dick was and always will be right and justified in not wanting to see anyone get hurt in the colors and image of his family's legacy. That this has absolutely NOTHING to do with his impression of any such individual's competency, nor is it about trying to restrict their agency. That its wholly a PERSONAL thing for him, its a private instinct that is entirely reasonable and allowable, for him to have a kneejerk need to keep more people from dying or suffering in that specific mantle that he never intended to BE a legacy beyond just himself.

I headcanon that after Jason himself, nobody hated the memorial in the cave more than Dick, because the last image he had of his family was them lying dead on the ground of the circus ring, just broken bodies colored from high above in the classic Grayson colors and covered in blood. That THAT specifically is the image Dick so often saw in his nightmares in his early years in the Manor, that is the SPECIFIC visual Bruce so often comforted him about upon waking....and that it was a massive slap in the face and an indication of Bruce's most unfortunate tunnel-vision tendencies in his own grief, that it never even OCCURRED to Bruce that in memorializing Jason in the specific way he did, he was also subjecting Dick to a constant, ever present visual reminder of one of Dick's personal most traumatic images....the sight and idea of his family, now not just his parents but also his brother....reduced to just broken, bloody costumes he'd never get to see as anything but that again.

Not to mention then captioning this memorial with "a good soldier" and thus in the process of disrespecting Jason's true bond with Bruce, simply because Bruce couldn't handle that at the time and was trying to literally DISTANCE himself from that view of his loss, the loss of a son, of family....Bruce simultaneously disrespected Dick's legacy of his family and everything he'd created Robin to be, and envisioned Jason-as-Robin to be from the moment Dick gave Jason his own old costume and embraced him as the new Robin and by extension, HIS family as much as Bruce's.....like, no matter what Bruce intended for HIMSELF and his feelings about Jason's death with that caption, he literally reduced Dick's tribute to his parents and expression of brotherhood to his brother to.....nothing more than the uniform of a child soldier, a subordinate of the Batman in HIS personal crusade. Something that Jason never actually was, and Dick CERTAINLY had never created - or gave Jason his blessing as - Robin to be.

So on that front, I have no problem with Dick WANTING to keep all the Robins, every child who called themselves one, safe - and to take on the Court of Owls alone, by himself, because like it or not, that will ALWAYS be personal for him. That is about HIS family in a way that it will never be about the family, the heritage, of anyone else, even his adopted siblings. The Court were after HIM, specifically, and always were and always would be. I don't see anything hypocritical about Dick's desire to keep kids out of that fight when he himself would have never been okay with Bruce benching him as Robin in some random fight....because this fight is deeply personal for Dick in a way that's not transferable, and to be honest, I see his desire to keep anyone else from dying as a Robin, in a fight against the Court ESPECIALLY....I see it as an inherently selfish want of Dick's. 

A selfishness that I think he's entirely justified in having. Its not about anyone but him. Its about HIM not having to deal with the burden of any more deaths in his family's colors, his family's name, when he in all likelihood originally created Robin in that particular guise because he figured he'd likely die as Robin at some point, and thus he'd never have to see anyone die in the image of his family's costume and colors ever again because the only person left TO die in them, at the time, was he himself.....thus kinda ensuring for Dick that when he did die, he'd go out just as his parents did, which in his youth at least was likely a weirdly kinda comforting idea for him.

So on the one hand, Dick's desire to keep the kids out of harm's way was ultimately a selfish - but justifiably so - desire to not see anyone else dead or injured in a literal WAR of CHILDREN being fought in his personal family colors and image....especially when 99% of them had literally no idea what the colors they were fighting in signified and meant for the mantle's original creator.

BUT.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT.

Where this all falls apart for me, and why I don't just go with this take and instead just kinda sidestep around the whole story itself and don't engage with it....

Is there's absolutely no way to 'fix' the story as is.....without coming up with an entirely different middle climax, in which Dick finds some way to sideline the kids without getting them all arrested.

Cuz see, what I'm NOT gonna ever do, is try and argue from an in story perspective, that Dick would ever be stupid enough, or try to justify, getting kids - many of them marginalized, and people of color specifically - arrested in the name of keeping them SAFE.

That's just stupid to the nth degree, and unilaterally the fault of DC's writers being oblivious to the real-world realities of police brutality and the interactions and dynamic people of color have with the actual police.

It was DC's fuck-up there, but I - especially as a white writer and fan - am not going to try and fix or transform that fuck up short of entirely rewriting the whole second half of We Are Robin's plot, which to be honest, I don't see as likely to ever be a priority for me as there's so much other content in Dick's narratives I'd rather get to first. Its just way too far down the list, the premise itself doesn't interest or engage me enough to make me WANT to invest in that particular story heavily enough to create a whole other direction for it, that navigates around the issue I have with it here.

So again, I mostly just....don't engage with it. Because I can't see Dick's stance on the issue of his family's legacy ever being other than what I always see it as, and thus see it as here, but I'm definitely never going to find it appropriate to write Dick trying to justify his decision to ENGINEER the police arresting all these kids for their PROTECTION....to a black character like Duke in specific.

Because its not. But again, this wasn't Dick's decision at the end of the day, because he's a fictional character who can only make the decisions he's written making. And thus it was the decision of writers who wrote these characters in situations that contained analogues to real world issues without keeping centered an awareness of how those issues intersect with people of different identities, particularly people of color and black people in specific.

So its not a decision that made me like, dislike Dick, because its one that I don't think he should have ever been written making, but its not a decision I care to justify in universe.

And that's about all I think I ever intend to - or even could - expand on that subject, I'm pretty sure. *Shrugs*

Oh wait, no, I lied!

Quick thought for white fans in particular....because I HAVE seen this subject tackled at least once or twice in fiction, from an ACAB standpoint that had Duke reaming out Dick for his decision here, for the same reasons I'm outlining above.....

This isn't an attempt to gatekeep or police anybody as like, I'm not actually ever trying to do that, I'd have to know every fic writer's personal identity and marginalizations TO do that, and I'm not pretending to know that or asking to, like, its just not on the menu for me so please don't get me wrong, this is purely aimed at a plea for white writers in particular to exercise personal accountability and good, sincere judgment in this regard:

No matter your personal feelings about Dick Grayson, the subject of Robin, or any of this in general, PLEASE keep in mind before utilizing Duke as a mouthpiece for giving Dick shit for this in the name of smearing the latter's character or making him look bad, like.....

Dick is of Romani descent. In the New 52 continuity as well as pre-Flashpoint. That's been made explicitly clear, and as such......there is no substitute in our current real world zeitgeist for the interactions the police have with black people, but please keep in mind that Romani people have a very, VERY long history of being subject to police brutality and persecution in a wide range of countries. Its a big part of why so many people are so uncomfortable with cop!Dick in the first place, and as such, it makes treating him as this naive, privileged white guy when having the realities of police brutality explained to him by another character, like.....not look exactly like you might intend there, because the reality is he's not SUPPOSED to be that character, but too few people at DC, and ESPECIALLY the people writing the We Are Robin stories, like, completely fail to ever extend the idea of Dick being Romani to any kind of examination of what kinds of lived experiences, perspective or perceptions this results in him having specifically.

And that's a failure on DC's part, but you don't need to go making it your failure as well, so for those of us who are white like, this really is something that should be kept centered before we decide to engage with story elements like the above one from We Are Robin, and like, if we do, then HOW we go about that specifically.

[sonofthesaiyans]

Gabi Braun will always be the big reason for why I think Attack on Titan went so far south, she’ll always be its worst character as far as I’m concerned, not just in AOT but one of the worst in manga/anime at large. But.......she is far from the only reason. The final chapter of Attack on Titan exposed why the story just no longer worked on ANY level after the Ocean was finally found.  The finale not only failed to justify anything about Gabi’s role in the story but also that of Falco, who was at least watchable..........On top of failing to adequately conclude or answer damn near anything else the story wasted so much time on. The focus should’ve been squarely on the battle against the Titans and their creators, someone want to explain to me again why an *ALLEGEDLY* serious war commentary cooked up a time loop and why it was necessary to anything we saw onscreen? Was Eren engineering his own mother’s death something we needed? That’s about as necessary as the entire “Chosen One” prophecy surrounding Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels.  Did anybody give a shit about Yelena? The story clearly didn’t since she vanished from sight. What was Magath’s role in all this? Wasn’t anybody marginally curious about what Hizuru even looked like? The Warhammer Titan? NOPE! No great potential there! One battle and it’s essentially vanished, doesn’t look like they bothered to give its host a personality either. Pure plot device.  The Yeagerists are still calling the shots? Oh great, nice to know that nothing was actually resolved, peace is merely implied but not promised. Sorry there’s plenty of reasons why that doesn’t service the conclusion.  Weird shit like Reiner sniffing Historia’s letter? Yeah crap like that needed to be left out of the story, weird moments like that don’t work. Even as a joke.  What was Pieck’s purpose? Got her introduction far too late I reckon. Why should we care about Pieck? What was Porco’s purpose? His motivation for trying to best Reiner was simply retarded, if you’ll excuse me.  WHAT WAS YMIR’S PURPOSE? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF HISTORIA’S PREGNANCY?  Niccolo x Sasha? Oh you could’ve done many great things with that but instead it’s just a plot device and nothing else. Does nobody appreciate how much Sasha still could’ve given if she stayed in the game? At the least, it would’ve made this relationship feel less artificial.  I can’t even make sense of Eren’s motivations towards Mikasa in doing what he did and I dare say Isayama didn’t have a goddamned clue what he was writing there either. And I’m not wasting my time figuring it out.  And again, Mikasa Ackerman REALLY went downhill as a character the longer she stayed focused on Eren. The epilogue doesn’t help AT ALL. That girl should’ve divorced his ass a long time ago, it’s sad that such a phenomenally strong and intriguing character lost all her intrigue because of that prick.  The Colossal Titan? Big fucking waste after Armin inherited it, I’m not even sure there was a point to him inheriting it. Shouldn’t have taken to the finale to finally see it back in action, the most iconic Titan of the series.  The Female Titan? Sorry folks, but when it takes THAT long for Annie to return or to have a purpose again, that’s not a credit to Isayama. It’s just bad writing. She was too disconnected for me to still give a crap by that point, too little too late.  And again, WHAT THE HELL WAS UP WITH ALL THAT TIME LOOP CRAP?  In the end, Attack on Titan was brought down by its own mythos, a mythos who’s holes just got wider and wider the longer it went on. The time loop really discredits the whole deal in my opinion, the simple fact that Eren caused his own mother’s death REALLY taints the whole thing that much worse for me. The story didn’t need that, convince me otherwise. Because I just don’t get it .

And the story pulled into far too many directions with subplots that just didn’t amount to any real relevance. The story really had too much time to waste on a shit ton of characters who amounted to little and who’s purpose in the end didn’t justify their inclusion. And the final act is where every one of them is exposed for their utter worthlessness. The real story got suffocated under all that crap and no single chapter could reasonably resolve them all, as we saw with Chapter 139. I don’t know what this idiot was attempting to accomplish, but the story suffers greatly for all of it. 

So I’ll give you this much Gabi fans, your favorite character is no longer the one reason some of us are mad at this show, really nothing worked about the final act of the story. So I’ll give you that, as much as I hate the kid she’s just one facet of a whole slew of problems borne out of a lack of focus here. So maybe the most reasonable compromise here is that those of us who hated the story’s end just don’t acknowledge the final arcs. I know I sure don’t. If it had ended with the Ocean, I think I’d have been a lot more satisfied, knowing what ended up following. But that’s just me.  This ending just fucking blows on so many levels, and unfortunately it’s not just one problem but dozens of them that all came together all at once. So I’m totally on board with those people who are asking for a better ending but like I said earlier I don’t think that’s going to do much good. And I’m sure I didn’t even list everything I had an issue with despite my best effort just now. This ending is pretty divisive, but I don’t think future reviews will be quite as forgiving. It’s totally out of touch with the series and opens up too many questions and not enough answers. That’s a rookie mistake on a grand level. 

[feralcherry]

Naruto takes that might enrage you (girl addition)

Warning, some of these takes might enrage you- that’s fine.

Fillers don’t count as canon, don’t even bring them up if you talk about this post lol. Also it’s been a while since I’ve seen the whole series, so some of these might be disproven as I continue with my rewatch. The excuse that Shounen is for boys is also very weak and holds no weight, as tons of girls (and nonbinary folk) relate to the characters in this show, so that doesn’t excuse Kishimoto for his weak writing of women.

To preface, I love this show. Love it to pieces. It was part of my childhood and holds a very special place in my heart. But there are some things I personally don’t like or wish could have been done better. I love every character and will go blue in the face talking about how much I still love this show. That doesn’t free it from my criticism. I’m also only listing what I don’t like and what I would change, though I’d be more than happy making a post about what I loved.

Let’s start off with my girl Sakura Haruno. She is easily the most hated girl in the series, and all because of how ‘weak’ or ‘annoying’ she is. As if that’s not the fault of Kishimoto himself lol. She was shoved off to the side continuously and never given cool storylines, unlike the other members of her team.

What I took issue with about Sakura:

-What were this girls dreams?? The whole reason she became a ninja was never really talked about nor were they really developed as time went on. She was all about Sasuke, which would be fine if she grew out of it. But no. 

-Her crush on Sasuke was super stale. He was handsome and powerful, but what else was there to him? He was a jerk to her most of the time (there are some instances he’s somewhat kind to her, but if we go off canon, it’s not enough to make her deep love make sense). I think it would have been so much more interesting to see her grow out of her infatuation for him. If they had to have ended up together, watching them relearn each other and fall in love would have made them more compelling. She stayed loving a boy who thought very little of her. 

-She’s pitted against her best friend and doesn’t develop much of a relationship with other girls her age. It’s kind of sad, and I think they should have fought over something other than a boy. 

-We are told repeatedly that she’s super powerful by other characters, but she’s never given time to truly shine. She got like a single battle with Sasori and she deserved more cool moments like that!

-She was a healer, which makes perfect sense. But why is it mostly girls who are the healers? It’s a bit weird, when there’s also Neji with his perfect chakra control. She only has her healing abilities and her super strength; but even then someone like Kabuto has more offensive healing based techniques than her. Like his chakra scalpel. 

What I would fix:

-New dreams. Show her find a dream outside of her team and grow into it. Also give her more of a backstory. Sai has more of a backstory than she does and he’s way newer than she is.

-I would let her fuck up one of the Peins instead of Konohomaru- she’s a main character and passed over for that little brat?? She should have gotten to do more than scream out for Naruto and heal people :/ 

-She her intellect a bit more. She’s so smart, and yet we don’t really see it.

-She’s perfect for genjutsu, Kakashi himself said so. So why not give that to her? Or play more with ninjutsu. She has earth and water on her chart, so why not give her those abilities? Maybe even wood jutsu to even her out with her super OP teammates. Idk how, it could have happened, this is a show full of demons and god like abilities, it could have happened someway.

-She should have grown out of Sasuke and not married a man who doesn’t really appreciate her and isn’t there for her at all.

-I would totally have expanded on Inner Sakura more. Imagine if it made her mind impenetrable? Could have woven that in with her skills for genjutsu and made her unaffected by other’s illusions.

Next, let’s go with a more beloved character of the fandom. Hinata. Now personally I don’t care much for her- she could have been so cool but just like Sakura, they kind of messed her up.

What I didn’t like about Hinata:

-Her entire existence is revolves around Naruto. Naruto this, Naruto that- and yet she simply sat back and watched as his life was shit and did nothing despite her ‘love’ for him. And then fillers/movies are added to show that oh wait! she’s been there this entire time!! no lol. Build her up from the start as his love interest at the very least.

-She stayed super meek the entire time. Shy girls are okay, but I wanted to see her grow into herself more and not need as much reassurance. She’s a ninja and should stand on her own two feet more.

-She’s less skilled then Neji and I would have loved to see her outmatch him at some point, even once. Or gain abilities outside of her clan, or do something that made a name for herself outside of being the heiress of the Hyuga.

-She never fixed her clan which was one of her few spoken goals. That was a huge bummer.

-I think it would have been cool to see her mess up Pein a little more. She only stepped in because it was Naruto, which reinforces that she’s only about him. But at least let her land a hit if she’s as powerful as people say she is. 

-She makes the most sense to be a housewife or a healer with the way her attitude is but in Boruto, she’s kind of rewritten to be a ‘scary’ mother which just doesn’t fit her. Plus, she tells Boruto to go and take care of his dad?? Bro, that’s your child and your husband is the hokage. 

What I’d fix:

-Prove her dad wrong and show him that her compassion isn’t a weakness but a strength. 

-Fix the Hyuga clan bs.

-More character growth and showing more of her life away from Naruto. Her romance with him could also have been better. I hated her always watching him but never standing up for him, it kills me.

-Neij dying for her proved their clans hierarchy bs to be right and it just doesn’t make sense for him to die for her. It showed that he was right to feel caged and that he simply existed for the benefit of the Main family.

Now with the others, there’s much less I have to say about them because they aren’t main characters or the love interests.

Ino-

-Jealous of Sakura, no dreams of her own, stupidly loves Sasuke and for what? WHAT’S SO COOL ABOUT HIM?

-I like her growth for the most part, it was cool watching her fight in the War Arc with her team. 

-Why is she the medical ninja? I never got that.

-She got with Sai but they didn’t really show their development and how they fell in love with each other. It’s like she only likes him because he looks like Sasuke and called her pretty once.

Tenten-

-Should have gotten to train with Tsunade at some point, since she was the one who originally idolized her. 

-We know nothing about this girl at all. She doesn’t even have a last name.

-Her weapon usage was meant to be so cool and yet she missed so often- there’s a disconnect there. Her abilities could have been built up more. Imagine if no matter what she never ever missed. That would have been cool.

-Her weapon shop isn’t doing well. Just because it’s an era of peace doesn’t mean the need for weapons is totally over, not if there are still active ninja??

Karin-

-I actually like her, she’s kind of funny and I like that she’s mean even if she can get annoying.

-Again, another healer, though she’s also sensory which is more interesting. I’d like to see her with some jutsus though. That would have been neat.

-Her love for Sasuke makes sense since he saved her and smiled at her, making her think of him as her hero. And she’s the only one he apologizes to without Naruto strong arming him into it.

Temari-

-She’s pretty solid in my opinion. Though I would have loved to see her more without her brothers.

Konan-

-Her goals in life were to support Yahiko and Nagito’s dreams. It would irritate me so much if other girls in the series were more well rounded and din’t also have some sort of dream involving a boy.

-She was underused. I would have loved to see her fight more.

Tsunade-

-Only becomes hokage to support others dreams...All of them men. And then later passes the title onto Kakashi who doesn’t even want to be Hokage either. 

-No other justus used, she’s on par with Jiraya and Orochimaru and yet she’s only super strong and the best medic. She should theoretically be more well rounded than that, right? She also should be shown fighting more even if she’s a medic, she’s also s legendary sannin 

-Had to be saved by 12 year old Naruto. I know it’s a show about him, but she’s meant to be a literal badass but needs a kid to save her.

Kushina-

-Wanted to become the first woman hokage and then didn’t. Her husband did. and then she became a housewife?? What?? She should have become the first woman hokage with a badass husband or had another prominent role in the village like as a council member or something.

Kurenai-

-Always lost a fight? She’s some genjutsu using badass but always lost fights.

-No real personality, she’s just chilling there. Sexy as hell though. Has a kid and that’s about it.

-What I will give her is that I’m so glad she was allowed to age. So many anime mothers always look the same as their teenage self and she looks like she can be anybody's mama.

Over all, the girls could have been handled much better. I wouldn’t find issues with any of them being housewives or all about boys if that weren’t what seems to be the standard in the anime. I just wanted more of a variety and better character development, especially for Sakura and Hinata who are the mains 😩

Now to what might REALLY piss people off- ships! I’m not trying to start some war here, this is just my opinion and you can take it or leave it.

Sakura- Naruto, since they had the most development and showed more than two seconds of caring for each other. Even Sai in Shippuden has more of a connection to Sakura than Sasuke did.

Ino-Shikamaru, if she had to end up with a guy it makes sense it’d be him since they spend more time together than her and Sai did. (inosaku for the win tho)

Hinata-Shino or Kiba, again, because they spent more time with her. Naruto and her felt very rushed and I don’t quite understand the appeal.

The one that made the most sense and became canon was Shikatem, though their son’s design was lazy :D 

If I do a second part, it’ll be about the boys and the ships with them that made sense to me. For now, this is all I have. If you’ve made it this far, thank you lol

byeee

[confusedlamp]

Mental Health Strategies

I have dealt with various mental health BS (anxiety, depression, ADHD), and while I haven't gotten it all figured out, I have been dealing with it for well over a decade now. I figured I would make a list of coping mechanisms that have helped me and are worth trying out if you haven't already. None of these things are “magic” (just try this and your brain will be all fixed!),  and obviously not applicable in all situations. I mostly learned these via therapy or from other people struggling with mental illness. This also may or may not be to help me have a list of things written down for when I forget. 

Putting this below a keep reading thing because this got long FAST: 

For depression funks:

-Find a small task you can complete. Wash a dish, throw clothes in the hamper, take out the trash, etc. Something small.

-Take a shower. And try changing clothes. Even if it's in to some pajamas. If you aren't up to showering, try washing your face and maybe wiping down with a wipe. But a change of clothes will still feel better.

-Eat something. Doesn't have to be "healthy." Some food, no matter what it is, is better than no food.

-Can you get outside? Doesn't have to be to excercise. Just sitting on the front steps for a few minutes in the sun.

-Doing something to take care of yourself. Can you brush your teeth? Have a glass of water? Brush your hair? Just pick one thing and so it.

-Plan something. See if you can get a friend to meet you to hang out (or zoom) or maybe for dinner. For yourself, maybe find a movie to go see (post pandemic). Preferably find something that has a set time.

For panics:

- Square breathing. Breathe in for 5, hold for 5, breath out for 5, hold for 5. Repeat.

-There are a ton of meditations on youtube. Search "5 minute meditation" and you'll find a ton of videos.

-After the initial panic is over try calling a friend. If you can't for some reason (sometimes it's 3 am or your friend isn't available), try finding some cat videos on youtube. I highly recommend Cole and Marmalade. Something light that will get your brain on something else.

For Executive Dysfunction:

-Remove steps to putting things away. For awhile in school, I would have a mess of papers that weren't organized or put away because I was trying to use a binder. As silly as it sounds, having to neatly align paper holes or got find a place to punch those holes, would prevent me from putting things away. So I switched to folders. Suddenly I stopped losing things and my papers were organized.

-Bullet journaling. Or rather, I just have a little notebook where I put all my to do lists, grocery lists, project planning, brainstorming, etc. I don't properly Bullet Journal (TM) but I keep all my lists in one spot and it helps.

-To do lists in general. Writing out steps to get something done. Cross things out when you finish them. You get a better sense of accomplishment.

-When executive dysfunction is preventing you from getting out of bed, break it down. Step one, sit up. Step 2, swing legs over side. Step 3 stand up.

-Same with any task. If it seems too overwhelming or you just can't bring yourself to do it, it might be because you are looking at all the steps and feeling it's too much. So just think about the first one.

-Alarms and reminders. I put everything on a calendar in my phone. Google Calendar allows you to set a reminder for events days, weeks, hours, and minutes ahead. You can also set alarms for things like "I know I need to leave at 3 for the appointment, so I am going to set an alarm for 2:45 to start getting ready." Do not rely on yourself to look at the clock. YOU WILL NOT LOOK AT THE CLOCK IN TIME.

-Set the dang alarm clock across the room. That way, you gotta get out of bed to turn it off. Once out of bed, go take any meds, or if you don’t have meds, go do a small morning task. Usually doing this small task is enough to get me awake enough to not get back into bed. If I do, well, at least I have taken my meds. 

Sensory Issues:

- Fitted sweat pants and hiking pants. I can’t stand tight clothing, but I want to look presentable. Sweatpants that taper can still look decent. Travel pants or hiking pants (you can find these at places like REI), basically look like slacks but are made out of stretchy material. They also usually are made out of quick dry material which is nice. 

-Fidget and sensory toys. I really like hedgehog rings which have these little spikes on them I can run my thumb over. Also the tangle. I have a tangle that has a rubber coating that has little bumps on it. What you end up liking might differ, but those are two of my favorite. Also, if anyone gives you shit about these, you can explain “it’s sorta like a stress ball, but instead you [whatever you do with this fidget toy].” 

-Ear plugs. I wear these a lot because I have particular issues with sounds, especially certain ones. I prefer either silicone gummy ones or I like these that are “slim” because they don’t make my ears hurt. You can also get musician ear plugs that are made for musicians to protect their hearing, but still be able to hear tones and what is going on, for when sound is simply too load (also good for concerts). 

For General ADHD things: 

-Work somewhere different. This is a bit limited due to the pandemic currently, but just working at the kitchen table instead of your bedroom can help. In college, I used to go to the library to work. Just the idea that I was going to someplace specific to do a specific task, helped me actually get started. 

-Promise yourself that you will work for 10 minutes. Set an alarm if needed. Usually just starting will make the task seem less intimidating. If 10 minutes is too much, do 5. 

-Cardio. Get your self moving. This is good for a lot of things, but I highly recommend it for before you have to sit down to work on a task, like school work. I personally run, but if that’s not your thing dance, a class, walking, biking, etc. Just whatever you like. 

-Time dependent things are good to get yourself going. Again, this is limited by the pandemic, but for normal times, can you meet a friend for breakfast? Can you schedule your appointment so you have to get to it before you start work? When I was in college, I used to go to morning gym classes before my first class of the day. This got me up and if I was 5 minutes late, it was better to do that for a gym class than a physics class. Bonus because it was exercise and I could focus better on the class. 

-In classes, try to find a notes buddy or study group. That way, if you zoned out a moment, you can ask them for the notes from that section and vice versa. Also, meeting up with them is a great way to have a set time to study. 

For General Anxiety/ Depression: 

-This is going to sound cheesy as fuck, but: Make a list for what you are good at. Things you like about yourself. Things you have accomplished. They don’t have to be super deep, but can be. Do you like your nose? Can you paint your nails well? Are you good at understanding your cat? Are you good at writing? Drawing? Did you overcome a bad test and still manage to pass a class?  If you have a friend or significant other that you are comfortable with, ask them to help maybe. Keep this list for when you feel like shit. 

-Yoga. I’m sorry to put this on here because it seems like the most neurotypical advice, but. I honestly love this shit. If you haven’t given it a shot, there’s a reason why people like it. You don’t have to belong to a gym to try it. I highly recommend Yoga with Adrienne. She has some great beginner videos. 

-Take breaks from social media and news as needed. Seriously. You are a single person and can’t fix everything. Do what you can (share the information, make a donation, join in mutual aid efforts, etc.) but doom scrolling and obsessing won’t help anyone. If you won’t do it for yourself, consider that burning yourself out will make you unable to help later on. 

-Create things. They don’t have to be amazing. Crocheting, knitting, drawing, writing, etc. Having something that you can look at and be like “I made that” is really satisfying. Youtube has some great tutorials for pretty much anything. For drawing, I really like Proko. He has some great videos on drawing faces. But again: IT DOESN’T NEED TO BE GOOD. 

General Resources/ Advice:

-If you are currently in college, most campuses will have groups for counseling and even limited one on one sessions. Usually, these counseling groups are free and the one on one sessions can help you find a counselor nearby. 

-How to ADHD. Seriously I love this youtube channel. She goes over how ADHD affects the brain and has seriously helped me understand it better. 

-The Trevor Project. For LGBTQ teens and youth. They have a hotline and many other resources.  

-If what is stopping you from getting therapy is the idea that you are being dramatic/ are not that bad/ others have it worse: Go get therapy. What are we going to do, find the one person who has it the worst off than anyone and only they are allowed to feel bad and get help? Screw that. Get some help. 

-Remember that there are good things in your future. Where ever you are in life, you have something positive in your future, even if you don’t know it yet. One day, there will be a moment when you look back on the dark times and be so glad you didn’t give up. 

-Obligatory: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  (1-800-273-8255). This is national suicide prevention lifeline, for the US. They can help. 

-https://www.crisistextline.org/ For when you don’t like phone calls, try texting instead. Has US, Canada, UK, and Ireland numbers. 

[dreamylyfe-x]

of all the things they could make mickey and ian fight over, why are the writers going with 2 so OOC storylines in the final season? the show never framed ian as seeing mickey's illegal income as not "real" work before. and mickey was never the slacker type, so why now? and mickey would never vague about monogamy. i'm so confused. if they gotta fight, why not over something in character and meaningful. this just feels like writers being mean to the fans, making us sit thru all this nonsense

Hey! Thanks for the ask. Made my (very weird and stressful) day. 

I’m going to be disappointing right off the jump and say that I don’t actually think any of this is OOC, per say. But. In GENERAL. Shameless is not the show it was. I think this is very normal for long-running shows. Take Friends: When you get into the back half of that show’s extensive catalogue, is starts to feel like the characters are a Xerox of a Xerox. Early season Monica is a bit OCD, and a clean freak who loves to be in charge -- but she’s also warm, and hospitable and emotionally available to her friends. Late season Monica is often a coked-out squirrel-woman who loses her mind if someone moves a pillow. That’s quality isn’t out of character, but it’s no longer being balanced with the warm and supportive woman we initially met. I think a bit of that might be “we already know you either like or hate Monica, so we’re just giving you the stuff that’s funny and/or dramatic. We got 22 minutes and six characters and we don’t have to build that other shit anymore.” 

I think that’s happening with Mickey and Gallavich. And I don’t think that’s weird for a) a show that has run this long and b) a character who was gone and then returned. They are giving us a Mickey that has always existed -- unbound by traditional manners, aggressive, blunt and obsessed with Ian Gallagher -- but we aren’t getting much of the Mickey who curls up with Ian at the worst time of his life and kisses his forehead. We aren’t getting all the verbal confirmation of Big Feelings they gave us when he came back in season 7. We aren’t seeing Ian and Mickey as a team, which is a big part of their mid-seasons dynamic. I think that makes people feel like these arguments are OOC, when they’re arguably reasonable issues, but aren’t being given a ton of nuance, or balance. 

Aside: There’s some balance in how the actors are playing the intimacy and the physical affection. The little touches and kisses are appreciated by me. 

So to dig into the OOC stuff -- first of all, it makes total sense to me that they’d have issues about the role crime plays in their lives together. I love that Ian never gave a damn that Mickey is a straight up criminal. But every time Ian lost Mickey, it was because the law intervened. When Mickey is not incarcerated, he’s with Ian. Ian is no longer 16, no one is a juvenile offender, Mickey was given a devastating sentence in season 6 -- 16 years -- Ian was 18! That was his entire living memory, if not more. They are married now, against considerable odds, and I completely understand why Ian doesn’t want Mickey to risk going back to jail. 

Likewise, I get why Mickey doesn’t want to do what Ian is doing. Mickey does not have the temperament for minimum wage jobs. He has a longstanding history of thinking it’s absolute bullshit to work hard for no money. Particularly when he’s smart enough, skilled enough and ballsy enough to make a LOT of money in an afternoon just by spotting an opportunity. 

Mickey has never SAID this on the show, but in canon we have seen him go to prison four times. Once, because Ian’s unhinged spurned groomer shot him; once because Mickey CHOSE to headbutt a cop so he could go to prison and avoid his dad; once because Mickey was consumed with a need to avenge Ian; and finally because Ian got himself tossed in prison, so Mickey CHOSE to join him. If Mickey has confidence that he won't go to prison if Ian isn’t a factor... Not the craziest idea. 

So -- writers spitballing ideas for Gallavich conflict? I think that’s a pretty good one. Two clear sides that both have merit. I’ve already written a bit about my thoughts on the monogamy issues... first, I’ve always figured they were monogam-ish, to reference Dan Savage. They are faithful to each other while they’re together, and when they are separated (usually by prison!) they aren’t. This isn’t the first time Mickey has voiced a lack of interest in being monogamous -- most notably “Great. Now we’re in a horror movie.” Mickey isn’t a traditionalist and I don’t think he feels like this is a make-or-break issue. But MOSTLY? 

MOSTLY. 

I really and truly believe what I’m about to say... 

Mostly Mickey wanted to do what Ian wanted. 

If he legit didn’t want monogamy he wouldn’t have tried to cheat of Ian’s paper. He didn’t like that “write it down and flip the paper” game. He wanted to match Ian’s answer. So he took a guess and he was wrong about what Ian -- who had literally just told him he found the concept of the rest of his life overwhelming -- had written. 

This is my head cannon: I think he liked that Ian wrote down monogamy. This is not my head canon: they are SUPER sweet to each other in the next scene. I am not convinced that the monogamy debate is going to be much of a thing beyond that scene. And I understand that, for a lot of people, that scene was extremely unpleasant. To me, personally, it made sense for it to come up. But I think it’s settled. I think they’re done with it. 

The one place where I’m like “What is this?” is the slacker stuff. I mean, I can meta why Mickey might be afraid of failure or whatever, but it’d be mostly head cannon. They haven’t given us a ton to build on there. The best we got is “Stop disappointing the people you love!” being what motivated Mickey to do something he didn’t want to do. But Mickey was right, if he thought that interview was going to be a disaster. Mickey knows himself and he is painfully aware of his limitations. 

As for why are the writers DOING this? Well. Ok. Here’s what I think it is: 

1. Story is conflict. So they needed one. And “struggle to adjust to marriage” really isn’t a bad one. Specifically, figuring out how to be married when you have no role models and have a few social strikes against you is a good one. 

2. The writers are amused by Gallavich fighting. They think it’s entertaining. And while there are a lot of people out there for whom Gallavich is EVERYTHING, Shameless’s viewership is also made up of people who think Frank is hilarious. No one ever send me an ask about why Frank is hilarious. I will not be able to figure that one out and the research might kill me. We definitely don’t all agree on what is and is not funny. 

3. They’re going somewhere with it. At least a little. 

I don’t KNOW three is true, but here’s something I believe about John Welles. I think he’s a biiiiit of a sap. I think he probably wants to leave each Gallagher with something nice. I don't think his plan it to send everyone off on an ice floe to freeze to death. So I think (hope?) that what we’re going to see is three (maybe four?) episodes of Gallavich At Odds and then I think we’re going to move into them trying to work together to make lives together. And they will probably still fight, because that seems to be part of the Xerox of a Xerox of Gallavich. I’m sure many people will find that cringey and problematic and annoying -- but I also bet we get a few moments we love, here and there. 

I don’t think they’re trying to be mean to the fans, but I think it’s serving 8 characters ... Nope. 9. (I forgot Frank. I always forget about Frank.) ... and we aren’t going to get the depth and breadth we want. And most of that will be on the side where we see Gallavich loving each other, because at this point they expect us to KNOW that. And some of it’ll be Mickey’s internal life because they tend to focus on the Gallaghers. But I do fervently hope we get a little more of that other side of the coin. Because I absolutely agree that one side is more fun than the other. 

[onyourzeus]

it just is | pjh

ykcyj ➝ arskyh

title: it just is pairing: park jaehyung (jae of day6) & you genre: angst with a happy ending words: 4.2k

author’s note: this took a few days to write because i wanted to approach it with sensitivity, and some realism from personal experiences. as i get to know jae as an artist, a day6 member, and a person even more, i feel so grateful for his music and his vulnerability that oftentimes is met with differing opinions from other people. i wanted to express that in this fic, and i hope i did the genre justice. 

content warning: discussions of online hate, criticism, feelings of worthlessness, coping through them

any requests? check my pinned post if i’m accepting any at the moment, thanks!

You don’t get it— or maybe you do. You’ve been given criticism before; on a powerpoint presentation, college-level essays, exams with written solutions needed, even for work performances. It has its benefits, having other qualified people observe you through their own lenses. It makes you notice the errors in your answers, mispronunciations, and flaws in your work ethic you wouldn’t have been able to catch if you were tasked to evaluate yourself. 

There’s a difference however, in the ways that you’ve experienced being given criticism and the way Jae has. 

He gets criticized. Instead of firm and blunt observations that he needs to take into consideration, and adjust when necessary, he isn’t given a room for improvement. He just receives these words with a punch to the gut, a slap on his face, and it stings. A whole damn lot. 

You think about the unfair times you were given criticism for work or a task that you originally thought was executed decently enough, at least for your standards. But that’s the point of being handed blunt feedback, is to let you realize that you can reach higher than this, go beyond what you previously had shown to others or even to yourself. 

Criticism given to you over the years had always spared space for you to reflect, and grow with it. It was always supposed to be a weapon for you to take into your own hands, and wield it yourself. It was never meant to attack you full force, and leave you bleeding with no help in sight. 

So maybe you do get it, but also you never really will when it comes to Jae. 

Either way, you’d be lying if you said you wouldn’t pick up the phone at a time when everyone in the city should be fast, fast asleep. When people have already drifted off into a deep slumber that enables them to dream beautiful things. 

You’d be lying to yourself if you said you wouldn’t ride your bicycle so late at night which you absolutely abhor. The cold air hitting your face as you speed up against its current is rarely a welcomed feeling, but that was the least of your concerns as you turned the corner to his apartment. 

When it comes to Jae, your mind hums a low beep, static noise to blaring fire alarms and resounding thoughts in an instant. 

You don't think much of it, however. He's just another friend, one who is in need. 

You never truly believed he could be alright by himself, but you wanted to give him a chance. Now, hearing his voice crack through your phone followed by the connection breaking apart, you struggle to forgive yourself for letting him be. Even for just a little bit. 

There wasn’t a need to knock, but you’re worried Jae may have forgotten he even called you in hesitation in the first place. In order to avoid spooking him, you make your presence known more clearly in the darkness. 

“Jae, it’s me. I’m coming into your room.” 

The door squeaks lightly, but the view isn’t any different. It remains dark, and lifeless in here. Stepping inside, the air just got a little bit heavier, and Jae’s breathing sounds more difficult that you began feeling aware of your own heart rate speeding up.

Retracing your steps from the multiples times you’ve been here, you get to the small lamp he barely uses on his desk. You turn it on the lowest brightness setting, giving the room a bit more dimension. It gives you a better view of Jae laying down on his bed, eyes staring into the ceiling. His hands support the weight of his head, lifting it up from the sheets. 

He sniffles for a split second, and your heart thuds like a mic stand dropping on the floor at an empty stadium. 

“Hey,” you approach him, careful not to be too loud with your movements. 

The mattress dips from the weight of your body, and Jae slightly shuffles to the side to give you room. The side of your lips twitch in response as you make yourself comfortable laying down next to him.

For the next few minutes, no one talked. 

Not even a hello back from him, and that’s new. 

It’s… concerning, to say the least. Even in his most stressful days, you’d stop by his place knowing it’d annoy him but the sight of you and the smell of homemade spam musubi never fails to brighten up his mood. 

He doesn’t forget to tell you that, and it makes you feel needed. 

Taking in a deep breath, you look at him in the corner of your eye. He’s not asleep, although his eyes flutter back and forth from keeping it trained to the ceiling and drooping it ever so slightly. You squint further, noticing dried streaks of tears blurring onto his skin. 

Your voice shakes. "Tell me where it hurts, Jae.”

You will yourself to resist your own choked out sobs. You’re not even sure what the issue was today. It’s always different, as if they have a giant wheel reserved just for him that someone gets to spin for their own pleasure. 

Sometimes it lands on the same, debunked misunderstanding. Other times, you’ve become shell-shocked at how quick they fill in the blanks with made-up accusations for the sole purpose of hurting him even more.

None of it makes sense, and what angers you the most is the fact that Jae made you promise not to interfere. You hate that he used that word with you, promise me, please? because both of you know the importance behind them, especially when said between the two of you.

Did he change his mind tonight? Did it suddenly become too much to bear that breaking the very promise he asked of you was his last resort for help? 

“Tell me,” you repeat with more determination now than overwhelmed nerves. 

“You wouldn’t understand,” Jae answers, cold and empty. 

Any other day that you pester him with a makeshift therapy session, you’d take that as a challenge. But tonight, his words linger in the air and you can’t shake off the goosebumps on your skin. 

Maybe he’s right; at this point, shouldn’t you be more irritated than concerned? If he’s not willing to at least describe how inflicting the pain must be with every word online stabbed into him, why do you bother cleaning up the mess? 

“How do you know that?” 

“Because you’re not me. They say those things because it’s me. I’m the problem.”

“Jae—" 

You have the script memorized, the tirade of counterpoints to every blame shifted upon himself, but tonight you stop the words spilling from your mouth. 

You turn your body towards him, hands folded underneath your cheek, a lone tear falling from your right eye.

“Do you believe them?” You ask, and the pause in Jae’s staring doesn’t go unnoticed. 

He finally looks at you directly, ever since laying down beside him on his bed. With his body still laying flat, he turns his head to face you, his lips pressed together roughly. 

You elicit a tsk sound, ignoring the amount of time that has passed since your question. Your fingers meet the cracked skin on his lips as you gently pry them off of each other. It’s wet, and the bright ring of blood doesn’t surprise you. Instead, you wipe it away, pulling your hand back to smear it off your shirt. 

At some point, Jae mouths you a sorry but you don’t acknowledge him. Just as he’s obviously avoiding your own query.

“You’re not sleeping well,” it was more a fact than another question thrown at him. You reckon he’d be more cooperative with you if you say it how it is without him denying openly obvious things. 

“You’re only drinking dubious cups of coffee in a day with one meal in between, at the most.”

“I haven’t had an appetite recently.”

“But you’d cater to your growing caffeine addiction more so than bring your appetite back?” 

You don’t want to sound mean, but the stress lines forming on your forehead aren’t helping with your attempt to ease into the conversation more slowly. 

Jae sighs, and it’s one of his many signs that entails he wants to move on, talk about something that is less targeting his questionable behavior and more mundane shit that doesn’t fit into the mood of the room at all. 

“I didn’t think you’d come.”

Unexpectedly, you look back at him and answer with a hint of surprise, “You think so low of me.”

Jae laughs, and for a moment the room became brighter. Just a little bit. 

“Dude, do you know what time it is?” 

“Yes, do you?” It was a rhetorical question, but you’re sort of glad he’s not just staying silent anymore. “I don’t have class in the morning. Even if I did, I’d still be here. Just cursing you out more for making me bike in the cold.” 

“It’s because you don’t wear enough layers, dummy,” Jae points out, pointing at the lack of thick clothing covering your upper body. 

Your first instinct is to flick his forehead, nudge him by the shoulder, and call him a fool. How can you even think of yourself that way when you receive a call from someone whose voice was on the verge of tears? 

But you let it go for now, it’s not like he’ll believe you. It’s not like it matters. 

“I still haven’t gotten my From Friends merch, Jae,” you taunt him and he laughs once more. Slowly, you feel his mood change from dreary to a few degrees warmer as he sits up on the bed. 

You follow his lead, keeping your knees close, chin resting atop them. You’ll humor him for right now, it’s probably best that you don’t force his feelings out in the open as unwanted as they may be. He might not allow you in the future if you do.

“You can have one of mine. They gave me a ton from the first test batches,” he offers, leaning into you as if to convince you even more. 

“I’m seriously gonna hold you onto that. I’m not leaving your apartment tonight without a sweater or two,” you respond, darting your tongue out. Normally, Jae would reciprocate, and if he’s feeling even riskier, inch his face towards yours for shock value. 

Tonight, he’s definitely acting differently than normal. Especially with what he says right after is not something you’d expect from Jae. 

“Don’t leave tonight.” 

“I—” 

“Just for tonight?” Jae pleads, gaze fully on yours now. “I’m sorry for being selfish, but… I’m really, really glad you came. I wouldn’t know what… I’m just.. lost and I don’t know what else to think. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be. I’ll stay,” you reassure him, not entirely sure what this entails. 

This doesn’t feel like those nights you’d be here for sleepovers countless of times before. Those nights were planned, prepared, and eventually ends up with Jae sleeping on the couch and you hogging his bed, as per your request (yet he willingly lends you his blanket). 

Maybe two, three hours at best— this was the amount of time you believed you’d stay. You’ll listen to him vent, or just sink into the silence with him. Either way, you knew your presence can only soothe his pain temporarily, and he won’t say it out loud so you show yourself out the door voluntarily. 

He wouldn’t protest, just hug you goodbye and ask that you text him when you get home. 

You awkwardly stretch out your legs, placing your hands on your thighs. Swallowing a nervous breath, you let out, “So, um, do you want to talk about it, pal… or…” 

All of a sudden you can’t comprehend a single word you’re saying, while Jae just stares at you amusingly, his lips in a tight smile waiting to burst out in giggles. 

“I’m trying to comfort you here!” you whine, pouting at the way he’s making fun of you. “When you suddenly ask me to stay just like that, it makes it… weird!”

“I’m sorry,” Jae chuckles airily, carding a hand through his ruffled dark brown locks. “It’s fun for me when I’m not the butt of the joke,” he continues on, tone spiraling to that of seriousness again. 

“Is it something incredibly absurd again? What was it? What happened?” 

Jae shakes his head. “The words don’t matter.” 

You argue back, “Yes, they do. It’s what hurts the most.” 

You’ve seen the tweets, sometimes even the hashtags and you wish there was a way to mass report the whole app altogether, and throw it all away in the trash. But Jae reprimands you for overreacting, even if you catch him smiling at the suggestion. 

“Debatable,” he sighs outwardly, clasping his hands together and resting them in between the wall and the nape of his neck. “A lot of them are just empty words, sure, but the pain they inflict is something else entirely.” 

There’s something about the way Jae speaks about criticism thrown at him that makes you frustrated. 

It’s not a secret that there isn’t an ounce of defensive vein in you when you’re at the receiving end of people finding faults in your work, your character. You believe humans are overprotective of who they think they are, they’ve become, as much as they like to hide it. 

But with Jae, he sounds way too calm and composed for your liking. Ironically so, since he mentions pain. Perhaps this is his coping mechanism, take them as they are, unembellished and oftentimes hurtful. 

But it doesn’t have to be that way, because the more he speaks of them so nonchalantly, the less his eyes sparkle and show his true feelings. 

Your eyebrows crease even further, examining Jae’s facial features that remain still and unmoving, giving attention to anything else in his line of sight but you. 

“A lot of them are false accusations, you don’t have to accept what you think is false.”

“Are they, though? To an extent, I think it shows what others perceive of me on a daily basis.” 

“So you’re saying you do believe what they say about you?” 

“At this point,” Jae starts off, stretching his arms upwards before crossing them against his chest languidly. He looks tired. “What else do I believe in? You know when the negativity becomes so loud in your head, I can’t explain it, but the words that tell me to keep going get muddled and overpowered by everything that screams I’m not enough?” 

You’re not sure whether to respond. 

It doesn’t seem like anything you say can add value to his confession. You look down on your hands, not knowing what to do with them so you keep them intertwined. It’s sweaty, yet the buzzing of his air conditioner fills the air. For some reason, you can’t stop your heart from pounding heavily inside you either. 

In a way, it’s possibly because of the realization that all you can offer Jae is an ear to listen to. All you can offer him is your body warmth hopefully exuding onto him, having the presence of another person in his space just to ensure that someone is listening to what he has to say. When no one else seems to let him do so online.

But you want to be more, you have wanted to be so much more. You wish your hands can extend themselves to his, pull him closer so he can hear your heart beating desperately for him. If it had a morse code of its own, it would have confessed the love you feel for him all this time. 

It’s gone quiet again, so you slowly lift your head to sneak a peek at him. His eyes are closed, and you wonder if he’s fallen asleep with unwanted thoughts fogging his brain. 

Great, the guilt makes it way on your shoulders, weighing you down with it. He asks you to stay, you don’t believe his sincerity, and when he’s opened up so much in one night, you lack the response he needed to hear. 

“If it means anything, I don’t believe them. You have your share of dumb moments, sure, but who hasn’t? If they figured out how much stupid shit I have said or done in my lifetime, I don’t think I’ll have a career ever again,” you mutter, mostly to yourself now. 

Your mind wanders back to those times that you’ve made yourself look like a fool in front of Jae, and he still holds you against them to this day. 

“Remember when I said owls were the cutest animals ever? And then I saw a tumblr post of what their legs looked like underneath all of those feathers? I felt so betrayed,” you recall out loud, snickering at times the group chat you shared with Jae and your mutual friends consisted solely of those creepy baby owl pictures that have surfaced on the internet-- seemingly their only purpose was to torment you with the truth.

You had posted your intense distaste of the animal on your Twitter, rather proudly even. It was a good thing your account was private, but the shame you felt was too intense to keep it on your profile for too long so you ended up deleting it, anyway. 

But imagine if someone had somehow saved that tweet and called you out for being cruel towards unsuspecting birds? 

“Or the time I got so drunk, I basically roasted all of your solo songs, calling them the national anthem of a hopeless romantic who will never find the love they’ve been praying for?” This was before It Just Is with Seori, and it was a dare that Younghyun had given you as payback for making him act out a lovey-dovey manhwa scene with Dowoon. 

You think, if their supporters heard that out of context, you’re most likely toast. 

Understandably, these are all a stretch, and at the end of the day, you’re not as famous as Jae. And if anything, the “roast” you had blurted out was completely inaccurate of what you actually think of his solo projects. 

A projection, if you will, of your own feelings. If anyone in your circle of friends wears the title of a hopeless romantic, the crown has been glued to your head since meeting Jae. 

“I’m not making any sense,” you say, rubbing your cheeks for comfort while watching Jae just doze off into the night. You weren’t sure if he still needed you to stay, but you’d feel it would be amiss if you left. 

You begin to shuffle your way off the bed to give yourself more space to think about your next move until you feel Jae’s hand reach for yours, and squeeze it tight. 

“I didn’t say you can go,” he mumbles sleepily, eyes still fluttered close. Yet his lips are smiling, almost as if he’s dreaming lightly. If that were the case, you humor him, and let his hand fall into yours. You like it that way, too. 

“Did you hear what I just said two minutes ago?”

“No,” he lies. 

“Mhm,” you hum, slowly making your way on the bed again. This time, you sit next to him, his sweatpants clad thigh leaning against your leggings. Your hands still held together, albeit loosely, he lifts it up as if to examine it with droopy eyes. 

“Thanks, though. Oddly enough, that made me feel a little better,” he admits. “Except for that time you said hated my songs. I don’t think I’m letting that go easily.”

“I was apologetic, and it was a dare! I offered you food for a week,” you protest, shaking his hand off but he doesn’t budge. He keeps it in his palms, and you don’t know what to do with yourself. 

A blush escapes on your cheeks, pink and warm, and most definitely as a result of your nerves getting the best of you. 

“True,” he recalls, and tilts his head to the side inquisitively, “but it sounded like you really meant it…”

“Jae, you know that’s not true. I literally stream them on soundcloud almost every day,” you say a matter-of-factly, but regret it since it wasn’t something that he had no knowledge about before tonight. He pulls your hand closer to his chest, and excitedly beams at you. 

“No way?” He exclaims, and you have no choice but to confirm, a helpless pout on your face. “Yeah, I listened to it on the way here.” 

“My number one fan, huh,” he coos, tracing the lines on your palm. You gulp hard, knowing how much sweat your hands had accumulated since meeting his touch. You really don’t want him to notice, but the soothing caress of his fingers felt better than not anything else in the world. 

“Whatever floats your boat, dude,” you try to brush it off, and Jae nods animatedly. 

You try your best not to appear sleepy as a yawn finds its way out your lips. Jae notices this, and sadly lets go. Then, he taps on his shoulder, the one right next to you. 

“Sleep, my child.” 

“Never call me that. Ever again.”

“Don’t be dramatic, and just lean in,” he insists, cradling your head until you plop down on him. 

It feels awkward, angled a bit on the uncomfortable side. But he adjusts for you, and you feel your body giving in to the source of support for your weary mind. 

“I can sleep on the couch—”

“Shh, no more talking.” 

Silently, you roll your eyes and say nothing more. Your fingers fiddle with each other once again, remembering how much of Jae’s skin slid next to yours, and now your cheek is pressed down on his frame. 

Again, this isn’t the first time it’s happened, but the events leading up to this particular night is all new to you. You allow your body to get comfortable, used to this feeling, even if it’s just tonight. 

Your original plan was to be Jae’s shoulder to lean on, but the roles seem to have reversed. 

Softly, Jae calls your name. For a second, you’re too immersed in the synchronized breathing the two of you share. When he brings your hand into his, your senses perk up but you refuse to look into his eyes; afraid of what he might see in yours. 

“What? You said no more talking.” 

“I’m happy you’re here,” he tells you, even softer than before as your hands melt together, filling the spaces between. You don’t know whether to let this happen, not understanding the meaning behind his actions. 

It’s.. weird, unknown, foreign, but addicting. His touch is addictive, and you know you’re going to crave for more if you’re not careful with the dosage. 

Biting your lip, you struggle to reply. He might mean it in a friendly way, but the invitation to relax right onto his shoulder, lacing your fingers as if they’re meant to be locked in place that way, it’s all too much for your brain to process— and definitely your heart. 

Face hot, heart heavy with emotions, you say shakily, “I’m happy you asked me to.”

“Hm?”

“I.. want to be the person you call first when you’re feeling like shit. If possible, I want to be the only person.” There was no going back, no swallowing words you’ve let go in the open. 

As you speak, Jae’s fingers tighten its grasp around yours. You feel weak, but you appreciate him supporting you this way as you keep going. 

“I probably will never understand what it is you feel when certain words pierce through you too deep, like you said. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I want to know how you’re feeling, from good to bad. From the best and the worst of it all. I want to be there.”

“Who said you aren’t?” Jae’s low voice interrupts your stream of emotions, and it compels you to finally see his eyes. They’re shining, teary, and smiling at the same time. 

You feel your cheeks soaking wet, and a hiccup arises out of your lips. With your free hand, you hide half of your face in embarrassment. Two idiots, crying together, hands never letting go of each other. 

It didn’t seem long until you fell asleep on his bed. The only difference this time, from all the other times you’ve been here, Jae was sleeping beside you. 

Arms over your frame, his long fingers finding their permanent place within yours. The two of you have exhausted your emotions enough that night, and there was plenty of time in the day to talk it all through. 

You dream of what seems to be a possible future for you and Jae. Moments when he’d fuck up, when you’d say something out of pocket, but it was met with a healthy discussion between you. 

And even if there are days when people online couldn’t understand the growth happening in his life, you see it. You see him, and you don’t hesitate to forgive, and give him space to grow. As he does with you.

[rainbowcarousels]

I don't know how interesting this is going to be but I started to answer a comment on the latest JBSWM from @zanahoriabaila and realised I actually kind of want to talk more depth about the subject so I'm going to post it up here. Between talking a little about Genesis especially on twitter and briefly talking a couple of chapters ago about Sephiroth, it's kind of all been ruminating into something meta that borders on a directors commentary.

Again, how come your Genesis always spews all the stuff I think?

This is absolutely something I do with my version of Genesis on the regular and there's a few different reasons why he’s my character of choice for uncomfortable examinations of stuff.

 Cut for discussion of fic, canon, trauma and interrelationships with everyone!

The first reason is the Eve symbolism that comes with Genesis as a character. There's a decent bit of it with Genesis (much like Aerith) when you consider his name, his limit break, his carrying around of the forbidden fruit and the look of the Goddess statue and in CC canon, he is the first person to tell Sephiroth about what Jenova is. As such, giving a lot of the harder hitting commentary to Genesis feels natural because he is good at weaponising knowledge.

It also makes more sense out of AGS to give it to him because of each of their interactions with how knowledge effects them. The revelation of the Jenova Project in general (I hope!) illustrated this pretty well in that Angeal takes in knowledge and then thinks about what he should say or do or feel about it and it impacts it greatly. Sephiroth takes in the knowledge and tries to analyse and categorise because exploring how he feels emotionally about something is really difficult for him and unless it's pertinent, he just doesn't address it in terms of how to feel about it. Genesis in contrast to both goes instantly to what he is feeling in the moment and it fuels his decisions and choices.

Angeal's issue comes when what he should feel and what he does feel are so at odds that he can't reasonably justify how he feels and he's been going through a lot of that since he doesn't want to think ill of his mother, he does not want to consider that his father might have lied to him and he absolutely does not want to think about Hollander at all. His sense of honour is wrapped up in family, in the idea that he pulled himself up to get where he is with hard work and determination and that he does make a positive difference and he's just...completely lost right now emotionally because he can't reconcile his feelings with what he thinks he should feel.

Sephiroth's comes when something is emotive and he can't pick it apart and make sense of it through physical and observable changes. I think this probably comes from spending his childhood as a lab specimen so he knows how to report things that are observable and that emotions are too subjective so he doesn't include them. Then getting thrust into war, he also learns to describe himself by a physical status report. Zack gives him one based on how he is physically because he knows this is how Sephiroth is. The problem for him and the reason he is as noted by the same comment so detached is because he just doesn't really process anything emotional in any significant way, which is why as noted in one of my much earlier chapters, he struggles with saying 'I love you' because it's pure emotion and he tries to show it in his own way instead.  

Then you have Genesis who runs on his emotions and experiences like they're fuel. There's a throwaway line in Don't You Know My Name about how Genesis doesn't so much like or dislike things as he dismisses or obsesses over them and because of that, he has the nastiest tunnel vision and comes across as self centred. He likes to write his own narrative in a way that makes sense to him based on what information he has and how he feels about it. There's a line in the song from JBSWM's title song that says 'judgment made can never bend' and I think this is part of Genesis struggling more with Zack's inclusion into their relationship with Cloud because he formed his own opinions on Cloud and Zack is Angeal's little puppy he's been hearing about for years. It's hard to shift perspectives for him.

Zack and Cloud have their own relationships with truth and feelings but Gast is history for AGS. So onto Gast, because that the subject being discussed in the chapter. It's not something new, if I go by my own timeline, Genesis and Angeal have known since they were 15 about a decent chunk of what happened as Sephiroth's background and Angeal comes down hard on the 'respect what Sephiroth feels even if it's not entirely accurate because it's important to him' side and Genesis comes down on the 'This was bullshit and Sephiroth needs to know it was bullshit regardless of how attached he is to the memory of Gast because he needs to deal with it'.

Zack and Cloud are just forming their opinions and it'll happen over a few chapters, but Zack is far more emotion based but he also has rose coloured glasses and if there is an upside, he will find it. Cloud, growing up feeling angry and isolated and idolising Sephiroth, kind of has a similar way of coping as him in that he has this idea he can't be openly emotional or vulnerable because he'll get hurt but he also isn't about to pull any punches either. It should make for interesting interaction hopefully.

I think Sephiroth is more knowledgeable than he realises in that he quickly guesses from Genesis being willing to share that they are in the 'experimented on parents' club that this is colouring some of his interaction here. He backs down earlier when the subject comes up, not because he thinks he's wrong but he's not pushing that hard because as much as it comes from a place where he's sad and angry that this terrible thing happened to someone he loves, he can rationalise backing down because his feelings are second hand. Except now they're not. While Angeal and Sephiroth can look at their parents to some degree and assign some kind of blame (and Cloud can from being victimised), he can't because he doesn't know who his parents are or what the circumstances were but Gast was the head of the department when this crap went down so he is a prime target for someone to be furious at.  

These guys spent their teenage years building coping mechanisms based on battlefield experience, it's probably not a surprise Sephiroth is practical and tries to funnel it into something productive, Angeal tries to find the honourable method of dealing with it in the way he's supposed to and Genesis just wants someone, anyone appropriate to unleash all of that emotion on. I'd also argue that Zack tries to apply it to being the best hero he can be even though he was doing a lot of pretty unhero-like things and Cloud was cannon fodder, it's no surprise his sense of worth is in the toilet and he can't really grasp the idea of being special.

Someone described JBSWM as five broken people trying to make each other whole and I don't think it's exactly right, but it is close. It's five people trying to figure out a way to live with a shit ton of trauma and a lot of it is trauma they're complicit in which is really difficult to work through given all time and resources let alone trying to deal with Shinra at the same time. 

This kind of brings me back to why Genesis is often the pushing person in the relationship and why he's not always right to do it.

As horrible as the Project G revelations are, it's not the same as growing up in the way Sephiroth (and in some ways, Aerith) did and he has the coping mechanisms he has for good reasons. He needs to have this idea of Gast as this good person who tried to be good to him but died because the alternative is Gast wandered off the moment he wasn't as interesting anymore and left him (in JBSWM's timeline at around the age of 4) to try and survive it by himself. He's already lost this perfect idea of a mother by having the 'L' put there and all SOLDIERs having JENOVA on their files and he's kind of desperately clinging onto something good because he hasn't really thought about what a lot of it would look like to someone coming in now until Cloud started to ask about it and had enough first hand experience to know it was really messed up. He can justify it as Gast was the better scientist, the better man, the better influence for him but if you start taking that away, it puts him in the position of being victimised and abused and that's all there is and I don't think he knows how to even begin to process that. As @aimeelouart pointed out, if he thinks about it or talks about it with any perspective, he would have to acknowledge he is traumatised and a large part of his identity has been built on his own invincibility. How can he be traumatised if that’s so?

The flipside of it being that I don't think any of them understood fully in a conscious way what happened with Sephiroth’s childhood until they saw it up close and personal with Cloud and even if it's coming from Genesis (dude is loud), Angeal is also pissed off and furious that it's just as bad as they thought it might be but could never be sure because they've only ever seen the aftermath and he does not talk about it. Zack got it all in one, he heard about it and saw it and is trying to deal with that but for Genesis and Angeal, it's festered for a decade and since no one save for maybe Zack has ever met a single healthy coping mechanism, it goes out as Angeal being cautious and letting Sephiroth set his own pace and Genesis going no, this is important, you have to confront this because if it hurts them from just caring about him and realising how bad it was, if Sephiroth some day realises how awful it was, he's going to just...shatter or explode and they'll lose him and even if he struggles to express it sometimes, he does love him dearly and like with Cloud, he wants him to figure out what will make him happy and it doesn’t seem like he’ll feel happy until he can stop blocking out what he’s feeling on instinct as some leftover coping mechanism. Cloud having to deal with his own lab trauma just brings it to the forefront and Genesis is not wasting the opportunity.

The thing is I don't think he's wrong about it because I think Alien Demi-god Sephiroth and Sane Sephiroth are two sides of the exact same person. There's hints of it here and there, but I think one of the biggest ones is he's very possessive and it took Hojo crossing the line and almost killing Cloud when he was beginning to grow attached to him to get him to move out of his holding pattern. In a way, this can also be traced all the way back to Gast and the idea of his mother because it's this almost childlike view that when he's attached to someone, they leave and it hurts so the obvious answer is make it so they can't leave or in the case of canon, try to push them to come back. I genuinely do not think Jenova knew what they were getting themselves into with him because they were like 'hey I could be your mom' and got absolutely swallowed by someone who was hurting, desperate for connection and just So Fucking Done with all of it until his will overrode theirs and he was never, ever going to be alone again because the entire planet would be reborn as part of him. 

Not the direction I'm going with JBSWM, they have some things they need to work on with each other but they are together and leaving Shinra was as close to a statement of commitment as you can get. With Midgar behind them and a chunk of their identity and dreams left with it, trying to face those uncomfortable truths will be hard for everyone and as much as Genesis puts it out there, he’ll struggle with his own too because if they have to deal with their shit, so does he. 

[mooshs-crack-headcanons]

Hey can we get some relationship headcanons with lady, trish and lucia? Thank you moosh! 💝💝💝

Possible tw: talking about Lady's survivors guilt because Arkham is a piece of purple blobby shit. 

Lady 

Lady is without a doubt a very strong woman, after having to deal with everything her father caused at the tower and everything that lead up to it including the murder of her mother, to killing him and slowly recovering from the guilt the best she can and suffering from it all even to this day, and that's not even getting into her successful career as a devil hunter. Even with how hard her life has ever since the death of her mother, Lady is strong and has learned how to treat her mental wounds and how to move on as best as she can. She's especially pleased now that she has the rest of the crew and you to call as family. You are very lucky to have this woman at your side. 

Lady loves hunting demons, she has ever since she started her revenge against her father, so if you're in the business (which I'm going to say is likely because I don't see Lady dating a civilian without having lots of guilt about you being possibly put ton of danger because her name is pretty big with rival hunters and devils alike) expect to be hunting partners like Dante and Trish are which she finds quite amusing seeing you in action especially on big jobs where the both of you have to bust out the big guns (and in her case literally.) 

With you two being partners, both in business and romantic sense, you can expect cut on jobs to be fairly equal (sometimes with her giving you most of the cut because you're so cute) compared to whenever she teams up with the rest of the crew which she keeps most because everyone has at least a little debt owed to her, and Dante (who has the biggest ridiculous amount of debt) has bitched and whined over this fact the most before going back to pout over his strawberry sundae, which the sight makes Lady laugh every time. 

She has surprisingly really soft hands, which you would expect calluses and for her to have joint issues given how much she shoots things on a weekly basis but the woman takes good care of herself and practices regular self care so whenever she holds you hands, caresses your face, or mindlessly runs your sides when in bed her touch is very comforting. 

She likes giving attention to scars, whether it be hers or yours she likes for the two of you to trace each other's and tell the either the cool stories about the badass ones you've received from jobs or share the the mental ones and the anguishing hardships from them that will end in the two of you finding quiet comfort in each other's embrace. 

Kisses with Lady go through a variety of stages depending on where you are in the relationship. In the beginning they are quick and flustered (especially on Lady's part) then they turn into more and more confident with time as the two of you get over possible embarrassment before finally they turn into kisses that tingles your brain and makes you forget how to breathe before one of you pulls back and gives the other a cocky smirk before going back to doing whatever they were previous. 

Lady's preferable date locations are at bars, she really likes the occasional drink and it's fun to hear gossip and possible leads for potential jobs. Lady is actually a lightweight so when she does have the occasional drink be prepared to take care of the mess afterwards because she is a clingy drunk and it's actually pretty funny to hear her complain to Dante about terrible lines when her pick up lines are godlike in cringe and it's fucking adorable added with the cute shade of pink dusting her cheeks. But without fail Lady is also a bitchy nightmare when she's hungover so also be prepared so her to often harshly snap back at you the next day but know she never means the harsh words thrown your way, just let her shoot Dante a few times and she'll be good as new. 

An activity that she absolutely loves doing with you before bed is taking a shared bubble bath together. She finds it super relaxing with you leading into each other and washing each other's hair as you talk about whatever that occurred in your dangerous lives that day, also a bonus if there's music playing in the background because she loves hearing you hum along with the tune as your hands make work shampooing her hair. 

Somewhere around the time she realized things between the two of you are very serious and that the two of you are going extremely steady, does she decide that she has to be a hundred percent honest with you. She loves you and you deserve to know about the truth about the nights that she leaves you alone in bed to do whatever random thing around the apartment to distract herself from sleeping. Her haunting guilt, even though she's come to accept that what her father did wasn't her fault...the guilt still comes up from time to time, his face still imprinted in her mind. When she tells you one night before the two of you were getting ready for bed, something in her just - broke and she had to come clean. When she starts telling you the details of how her father sacrificed her mother for being a descendant of the priestess that Sparda sacrificed, how that he probably never did love either of them and that he just manipulated them both for his own plans and that sometimes she would desperately think of somehow she could've changed things and at that point each word she speaks gets harder and harder to understand before she breaks down crying. Hold her and let her sob into your shoulder and let her take all the time she needs to let it all out. Once she's calmed herself does she apologize for having to see her like this, these types of situations are hard but make sure you tell her that you love her and other comforting words that slowly give her peace of mind. Your relationship noticeably deepens that night. 

Once long further down the road of your relationship does Lady start thinking about the future. Yes she loves hunting demons but she would absolutely love to retire one day and finally settle down with you and just...somehow live a normal life. However those are thoughts for way into the future and she still hasn't had her fill yet and she's proud to have you right along with her. 

Trish 

Trish has always been since the moment she was created a woman that was very hard to get a good read on what she's feeling, she just radiates this smug badass confidence everywhere she goes whether it be hanging around the office or gracefully slaying demons. However despite this everyone who has been around for long enough knows that expressing sometimes feelings can be really hard sometimes for Trish, with her still being demon and all. That doesn't mean she doesn't feel anything; the exact opposite in fact given the dmc rules she has cried therefore she feels human emotion, so she feels a lot but given her demonic nature she doesn't know at times how to apply them and that was the one of the exact reasons why she left Dante to travel the world to do some self discovery shortly after dmc 1, so that she can learn what exactly to do with these new sensations. And with that journey it eventually leads her to having you be a major role in her life. 

Trish can be a bit unpredictable and when it comes to this they're often moments that show her devilish side off, especially on jobs (again another case of not feeling very comfortable dating a civilian) where she jumps around the battlefield, bright volting yellow electricity trailing her every movements, slashing through devils one after another and another before leaving you completely abandoned and going off on her own or with her still massacring every demonic thing that moves but this time she's looming over you almost like a predator on prey when actually she's only taking a front row seat watching you beat the shit out of demons on your end or right after the two of you slay all enemies in one area she either complements or taunts you on your kills one form the other depending on your kill count versus hers and this ends with her challenging you to a friendly spar before going any further on the current job. 

With Trish being a demon and all she has a great memory so she remembers a lot of mundane things about you, some things that even you didn't notice. She remembers all of your favorite restaurants, your favorite breakfast dishes, what preferred time you wake up, how exactly you like to be held, what tell signs that you're embarrassed, and her personal favorite: what exact words to say to see those pretty cheeks heated up. 

Her hands are fairly smooth given the healing aspect to demonic nature but uniquely her touch always has a sparking touch to it so that's something you're going to have to get use to every time your skin comes in contact with them, but after awhile you'll find comfort in it every time your hands interlock together the electricity is like a spark of a reminder that two of you are there together and alive. 

She is absolutely not afraid to spook you at times either at your place or at the office with taking on different human forms, one time she took on her Gloria form to sneak behind you while you were cleaning your pistols and tapped a few fingers along your shoulders and next thing Dante knew was there were several new bullet holes in the kitchen that he didn't remember there being before. 

You know how I talked about the electric sparks on her hands? Well that doesn't just apply there but on other parts of her as well. So that being said it's no surprise that kisses between the two of you are quite electrifying, and again something that will take time to get used to but eventually it's quite comforting. 

Trish, like Lady, loves self care and that includes going on shopping sprees so expect a lot of dates at various stores, your girlfriend with Dante's -stolen- borrowed credit card in hand getting you everything your hearts desire. 

Being a full demon Trish technically doesn't need to eat or drink anything but still she goes for the occasional pizza slice since that's usually the only food to be found at Devil May Cry, which she only does when she's bored and wants to do 'human things' however if you so happen to cook anything she will always 100% eat your food. It doesn't matter if your cooking skills would put Gordon Ramsay in an absolute shit fit, she will eat all of it and proclaim that it's the best meal she's ever had, this is a cute way she's found a small way of expressing her love. 

In the beginning of your relationship, Trish has to actually remind herself that you're human and even though you're strong you're nowhere on the same level of strength that she and Dante are on, and that even though you can handle yourself you do need protection from time to time. But she doesn't just need to remind herself that on strength but also on the emotional aspect as well. As a human you've come into this world feeling emotions, she's only felt them for a few decades which in a demons lifespan is barely anything. Trish loves you deep down and she's told you that countless times, but there are situations that you've been dragged to your absolute worst and she...has no idea what to do. She feels awful and wants to comfort you but she just doesn't know how to express that, so she can only sit there next to you and listen to you sob for hours and just feel...hopeless. Over time the two of you find a way; she confronts you about this and tells you that she doesn't want to feel hopeless without being able to express and be able to properly comfort you, which ends up with the little system of whenever you feel sad that she says next to you and holds your hand, the light bolts of electricity becoming the way of her expressing her comforting presence to you for however long you need it forehead has all the time in the world, and if you need something further feel like it feel free to cry on her shoulder and tell her everything that's bothering you, she's a great listener and her memory is great after all. 

I think out of everybody it's Dante that notices and feels Trish's feelings the most, call it a demon thing with feeling auras and such, or that he really knows his friends, or just it's possibly both. He actually prefers when Trish wants to go on jobs with you instead of him, and sure it's a little weird seeing the clone of his dead mother with someone that isn't his dad, but he really appreciates that you bring something really amazing out of his old devil hunting partner, thinking about how vastly different the demon servant that led him to Mallet Island is to the woman he sees now, and even though he doesn't comment on it the sight of the two of you excitedly bustling out of the door to go on a hell spawn killing spree always without fail gets a smile on his face. 

Lucia 

Lucia has come a long way with her self acceptance. She's artificially a demon and not human and for a good while she worried there might be a day where she might lose control of the devil inside and kill Matier and everyone else she loves and cares for, but a certain son of Sparda changed her way of thinking and now she's proud to have her powers to protect the ones she holds dear, and that includes you. She's a proud guardian of Vie de Marli and she hopes that one day she can be just as strong as Dante, and with it that's her motivation to continue to train. 

Lucia has a duty to kill demons and she views it as the way to get stronger, out of her Lady and Trish she is the one that would be alright dating a civilian although with you being a civilian that puts an even heavy weight on her shoulders to make sure the island is protected at all costs, but if she were to prefer she would rather you be a demon hunter so she wouldn't have to stress as much. 

I think Lucia would really want whoever she's interested in to be liked and respected by Matier, she is her mother after all, adoptive or not. But I really don't think there's too much to make Matier not like you, she trusts her daughter's judgment after all but still expect the cliché: "If you hurt my daughter-" speech, and despite the older woman's small figure and age this is probably the most terrifying moment you'll ever see from her. 

Lucia's, even with the healing aspect from her demonic nature, hands are fairly callused with how much she's gripped her blades over the years. Maybe it's because of her artificial status that she can heal herself quickly like all demons can but it's just not perfectly on point, she does have many scars from slip ups from the past that never fully healed that she keeps mostly hidden. 

Despite her most being present on Vie de Marli she does like to travel to the Devil May Cry office to take jobs from Morrison from here and there. It took awhile for her to feel comfortable around everyone else who was Dante bit she came around and she actually likes spending time with Kyrie when Nero brings her over. So eventually when she considers everyone in the crew trusted companions does she bring you along on one of her trips. It really does warm her heart to see you around having a fun time with these ragtag gang of colorful personalities, maybe if she has the chance and the island isn't at that much threat she could also bring Matier along? 

Kisses with Lucia are awkward at first. You're most likely her first s/o so she has absolutely no idea what to do. She had pinned feelings for Dante awhile but after seeing him in day to day situations at the office she came to learn that it would never work between them and she would prefer to stay friends, but now she has you and an actual relationship? She gets embarrassed from the slightest touch so kissing is a whole different realm for her. But of course over time and she learns to have some confidence with you she slowly becomes used to it and those awkward fumbles become slow and sweet passionate entanglements. 

Dates with Lucia on Vie de Marli mostly include late night patrols around the island, a time where it feels like it's just the two of you on the island where any type of conversation can start. But on the mainland with Dante's suggestion Lucia really likes going with you to Fredi's dinner the food there is quite different from back home and the people that work there are so nice, she once got a compliment from Cindy about how pretty she was and the shocked flushed look on her face was so adorable and precious that it's something you'll never forget until the day you die. 

Lucia when she's not on duty has a hobby carving wooden figures, the process really relaxes her. So a lot of gives from her are of beautifully sculpted animals with your name carved neatly onto the bottom of them. You end up having lots of them on shelves in your study and whenever you're sitting down doing whatever while Lucia's away they bring a nice sense of comfort like she's still there with you. Another bonding moment the two of you have is her teaching you how to carve, it's a sweet moment with her place next to you holding your hands as she instructs you what to do, all potential shyness that she normally shows gone and instead replaced by full confidence, which is always really nice to see from her. 

Lucia has long before your relationship learned to accept what she is, but there are some times where she has moments of doubt that you would be much happier dating another human instead of a devil as herself. After the two of you have visited the office a couple of times and she sees how you've become good friends with Lady that her insecurities come up and she has the thoughts of if you'd be more happy in a relationship with Lady, another human, than her, an artificial demon. With this plaguing her mind she becomes more distant, which with her not being really good at hiding when something's bothering her you notice fairly quickly. When you finally approach her about it she does come clean and tells you what's troubling her and even more than she's still doubting her strength as a guardian and isn't sure if she's able to protect you, Matier, and everyone, and even more so that even though she has demon blood (even though artificial) that she is nothing like how strong Dante is. You then tell her that her being demon or human doesn't matter, that you love her for her and that she is strong but she doesn't have to be strong for everyone she can show weakness and that everyone does, and that you know Dante is proud of how far she's come and how far she can still go. She looks at you with a mystified look before pulling you into an embrace telling you how to Sparda she's so lucky to have someone as amazing as you. 

Lucia likes to think about Sparda from time to time, with all the stories that she's managed to get out from Matier and the various things she's read in books she wonders what type of man he really was deep down to love a human woman - Dante's mother - and if what he felt about her was anything how she felt about you. 

[spidercakes]

Have a starker serial killer AU featuring dark!Tony/Peter.

Warnings: murder (obviously), vague descriptions of violence, unhealthy relationships (also obviously- don’t date serial killers), mentions of domestic violence.

*

Tony feels bad for Peter and, in his defense, Tony is stellar at being charming. Its amazing what he can get away with because people find him attractive and witty and that’s when he’s not trying. When he is, well. It wasn’t all that difficult to make Peter fall in love with him when he was starved for positive attention and Tony feels... well, something for him. He’s not sure he feels things exactly right, but he does know he feels. Psychologically he has no idea what that means but he also doesn't put a lot of faith into the field of study. Too easy to convince people they’ve seen what they wanted to instead of what’s actually there. The problems with trying to observe people’s behavior when you’re limited by the same things your subjects are, he supposes.

Peter, for his part, doesn’t look nearly as freaked out as Tony thought he would. He looks more like he’s in shock and Tony dislikes this stage in normal feeling, where the situation hasn’t sunk in yet. The closest he’s ever felt to that was when his parents died and even then he’s not sure if it was his mother’s loss or the drinking that did that. The downside is that he knows this is going to lead to an emotional outburst of some sort later and what that means for him will depend on how Peter loses it.

“How... you did that so easily,” he says and Tony is aware of how smart Peter is. He didn’t just kill Quentin easily, he did it with experience and Peter hardly needs to be a murder expert to know that.

“Don’t ask stupid questions,” he tells Peter. He knows how much he hates stupid questions because, contrary to popular belief, there are stupid questions. He dislikes when people ask a question not because they don’t know the answer, but because they do and they don’t want to admit it out loud. Peter is aware of that too.

Peter looks down at Quentin, dead and bloody, at Tony’s feet, and then he looks to Tony’s hands. He’s still holding the knife. No need to set it down somewhere and leave more evidence for himself to clean up, and he knows Peter won’t miss the fact that he’s wearing a glove on one hand- the one holding the knife. Suggests premeditation and he wouldn’t be wrong. Tony heard them arguing and he knows Peter’s history, he’s had more than one run in with Quentin himself but Tony never told Peter about that. Quentin isn’t stupid either, he sensed pretty much immediately that whatever kind of fucked up he was Tony was about a hundred times worse, and he happened to be a hell of a lot more controlled. He’s certain the fact that he’d only tried to intimidate Tony twice, both times resulting in him being deeply unsettled, was due to him coming to the correct conclusion that if he decided to push it he wouldn’t be the one walking away.

So when he’d heard Quentin in the house he knew he purposefully chose to target Peter when he’d be alone and that didn’t sit right with him. And if he was determined enough to risk Tony finding out about it this was probably the kind of escalation that would result in Peter getting hurt or worse to he’d made a decision. It wasn’t even difficult to kill Quentin, he’d never even seen Tony coming and the knife was duller than Tony would have liked it but it cut his throat just fine. The mess will be a bitch to deal with but he’s gotten good at cleaning up his mistakes so even that won’t be an issue.

“But wh- how- why?” Peter settles on.

Tony snorts because that’s easy. “Was he not about to attack you?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

Its definitely not a proper reaction to his actions but he’s not about to deal with denial, Peter saw what he saw and he needs to process it and figure it out so Tony can plan how to deal with this. Peter looks back down at Quentin and at least he hasn’t screamed, not that it would matter. No one would hear him with so much land between him and his neighbors but it’d be unpleasant to deal with. “He isn’t the first person you’ve killed,” Peter states, not asks.

That’s the only reason Tony confirms it, “don’t ask for a body count, I won't give one to you.” The less he knows the better. When Tony gets caught, and it is a when, not an if, then it’d be helpful if Peter didn’t actually know much. Makes it easier for him to lie. Assuming he sticks around that long.

“You’ll kill someone in front of me but you won’t tell me how many people you’ve killed? Enough to be good at it,” Peter says, giving Quentin another horrified look. God, its like he’s watched a train wreck and he can’t look away or at least that’s how Rhodey describes looking at wounds. Tony mostly thinks its kind of gross because the blood gets all over and he doesn’t know what kind of shit that person might have. He doesn’t want to find out by getting some disease either. But he doubts that’s what Peter’s immediate thoughts are.

“Why would I give you details to more than just the crime I committed in front of you? Seems pretty stupid,” he points out, “given that you already know too much.” Peter seems to realize that late and his go wide, “if I wanted you dead, you would be. You saw how easy it was to kill him,” Tony says, guiding Peter along a little helpfully. Sure he wants a specific result here, but ultimately how this goes is up to Peter.

The fact that he relaxes is a good sign. The fact that it doesn’t last long isn’t. “Why haven’t you killed me?” he asks.

He wants to tell Peter not to ask stupid questions again but in his defense he just watched Tony kill his ex in cold blood. “I’ve never lied to you about how I feel, none of that was made up. I’m not that good of a liar,” he admits. He has a tendency to overdo it and every time he takes a step too far he realizes it too late.

Which Peter doesn’t believe if the look on his face is any indication. “You’re clearly very talented at lying,” he points out. “Because I would have never seen this coming.”

“No one sees dating a serial killer coming, Peter,” Tony says, giving him a look. “And the trick to a good lie is to avoid ever lying at all. The more you do it the more details you need to cover your ass long term and the more tedious it becomes. Tell the truth and the details don’t run the risk of changing because you’re not making things up as you go along. And there is no way I am capable of just faking an entire relationship. Believe me, I’m a terrible actor.”

Its landed him in trouble a few times but he’s smart, far smarter than most of the people around him and he’s thankful for it otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten out of as much as he has. Not, he thinks, that it’s going to come in handy now because he can’t think of a clever way to get himself out of a relationship crisis with a dead body at his feet. At least Peter isn’t in the splash zone, that would have made clean up a little messier.

Peter laughs a little, “pretty sure you’re wrong about that.”

Tony frowns, “then why wouldn’t I have just acted shocked and appalled at what I’d done and told you I was good at it because I’m a genius- I could have done the math on the angles I’d need to cut his throat at and the amount of pressure I’d need to do it that fast, you know that. Would have been an easier way out of this than all but telling you I kill people for funsies in my spare time.”

Its also a massive lie that requires a ton of acting and a huge amount of upkeep if he were to tell it, which is what he just told Peter he likes to avoid so he’s hoping he’ll put that together. That isn’t the kind of lie Tony can maintain for any length of time so he wasn’t about to try it- he’s good at not getting caught because he knows his limitations. He knows the laws he needs to in and out, he knows the science behind how to get rid of a body and all the cleanup methods he needs to know, but he’s shit at making things up. Actually, he’s pretty shit with people as a whole if he has to deal with them on a long term basis and that’s why he has so few friends. And one of them lives half way around the world from him permanently, which makes things easier.

The draw of Peter is that it never felt like work to feel things around him, he seems to naturally pull it out of Tony. That, and he genuinely likes spending time in Peter’s company and that’s rare. Even Rhodey knew something was up and they only talk on the phone a couple times a week. Peter, if he chooses to believe him, will have to see that.

Instead of giving Tony something, anything, to go on he blinks a few times rapidly before he sighs. “I need some time,” he murmurs.

*

Methodical might be the best way to describe his actions and by now he’s keenly aware that Peter is... curious. When he said he’d need time Tony didn’t think he’d stick around to watch the clean up even if he hasn’t moved from the living room. Probably best that he didn’t follow Tony into the garage anyway, and technically it gave him space to think.

But he’s back now, tearing up his carpet and he’s kind of pissed he’ll have to replace it. If Quentin would have just minded his own business like Tony told him to he would have a living room carpet. “You didn’t hesitate,” Peter says softly and Tony looks up. He probably looks ridiculous to Peter considering the protective gear but he’s not tracking more evidence around not wearing it.

“Didn’t need to,” Tony tells him. He knew what he was doing, he’s killed someone like that before and he also didn’t have the time to hesitate.

“I don’t think he even knew you were there,” Peter says, looking a mix of confused and haunted.

“Ideally they don’t.” Doesn’t always work out that way and Tony has learned what to do when he fucks something up.

“And you killed him for me?” Peter asks.

Its a question Tony doesn’t expect and its not one he has a ready answer to. He frowns, straightening up for a moment because he’s not totally sure. No, he is actually, its just that he didn’t realize it until now. “Yes. Yeah, I think I did,” he says, returning to his work.

Peter returns to silence, frowning now as he continues to watch Tony work. He leaves Peter to it, more concerned with the amount of blood he’s going to have to clean up.

*

Tony looks over the living room and decides its fit enough to leave. There shouldn’t be anything left behind and Peter seems to be surprised from his spot in the hallway. “Are you always this thorough?”

“I’d have been caught by now if I wasn’t,” Tony says. Peter wanders in, casting a suspicious look around but there’s no evidence of a murder here. Well, there is, but finding it would be a pain in the ass now and the cops would need to know exactly what they’re looking for. He’s learned murder scenes are a little like technology- its not often you can cover your ass totally and completely, but you can make it difficult for people to find what they’re looking for.

“Will you tell me how long you’ve been doing this?” Peter asks. He looks more comfortable now and Tony is unsure what to make of that, if anything. He knows people react in weird and extremely varied ways.

“Since I was 17,” he says. Peter seems surprised by that and Tony figures he should be. That didn’t feel young to him then, but it does now. It took him some time to do it again though, not that Peter knows that. He’s pretty sure it was the death of his parents that made him that ballsy to begin with.

He nods though, taking another step closer. “I keep ending up with people like you,” he says and Tony makes a noise of offense.

“I had nothing in common with that filth,” he says, defensive.

Peter frowns, “you kill people but you’re judging Quent?”

Tony rolls his eyes, “there are people in this world that deserve to die, no one deserves domestic violence.” That isn’t even close to the same, Peter has to realize that. Hell, even the state understands that murder is necessary- why else  have a death penalty? Or soldiers ready to kill for you, at that. There aren’t reasons why hitting your spouse is fine, there are no exceptions to the rule.

“This is a moral thing?” Peter asks, head tilted to the side.

“Of course it is. I might be reprehensible but I’m not like that.” He’s not like his father. Sure, he and Howard are both monsters of some kind but they aren’t the same breed and Tony has learned to take pride in that.

“Maybe you are bad at lying,” Peter murmurs, frowning as he looks at him.

“Which I told you,” Tony points out.

Peter sighs. “Fine, I keep ending up with people who are... damaged. Beyond repair kind of damaged and I thought maybe it was something about me. Then I spent a lot of time denying it but I think I was right,” he says, shaking his head.

Tony tilts his head to the side, “yeah, how so? Because you don’t seem damaged beyond repair to me.” If anything he feels so untouched by the world, so bright and optimistic. Funny, too. In his experience that’s not how damaged acts.

“Not like that. I mean I... guess I have a dark side too,” he says and oh, oh. Tony recognizes that look, he’s seen it in the mirror a million times and worked hard on learning to hide it. And, he realizes, its not the first time he’s seen it either. Maybe that’s why he’d been so drawn to Peter, why things felt so easy with him. He wouldn’t have to act so much around someone like himself.

He smiles a little, “can’t say I saw that coming.”

Peter grins too, “I know. You really are a shitty lair,” he says as he steps into Tony’s arms. “Teach me how to kill like that?”

[drinkthehalo]

Macro perspective on each Lymond book

I've been listening to the Lymond Chronicles audiobooks, which has given me a different perspective than reading them. With audiobooks, you’re less inclined to stop and dive into the details, to look up an interesting word or obscure historical fact; instead you get swept along with the larger arc of the book.

So, I thought it would be interesting to look at what each book is about from a macro perspective.

Spoilers for the entire series follow.

The Game of Kings

In genre, it's a mystery told in a historical adventure style; it asks the question "Who is Lymond?" and gives us a ton of contradictory clues, then finally reveals the truth - in a psychological sense by stripping away Lymond's defense mechanisms and revealing the human being underneath, as he breaks down in the dell, "the guard was down... every fluent line and practised shade of Lymond's face betrayed him explicitly"; and in a narrative sense via the trial, which examines each "clue" we received throughout the story and tells us what it really meant.

Thematically, it's mainly about "serving honesty in a crooked way" - that morality isn’t simple and that sometimes you need to break the rules to do the right thing.  Nearly all Lymond’s acts are apparently bad things done for a goal that is actually good. We see the theme also in Will Scott (who learns that the world is more complicated than the "moral philosophy" he learned in school) and the various characters who help Lymond, breaking the rules of society by aiding a wanted outlaw (Christian, Sybilla, the Somerviles). 

It is also about the balance of looking out for self vs the obligation to the greater society - Lymond is not completely selfless (after all, he is back in Scotland to clear his own name), but when forced to choose, he always chooses the greater good above his own goals. He is contrasted with Richard, whose great mistake is to put his obligations to Scotland at risk in pursuit of his personal vengeance, and Margaret Lennox, who is purely and grotesquely out only for herself.

The historical context is part of this theme, as we see the various border families playing both sides between England and Scotland, with the heroes being those who ultimately stand up for Scotland, even as we understand that some have no choice but to profess one thing while doing another.

Queens Play

In genre, it's a spy novel; thematically, it's about what Lymond will do with the rest of his life. The question is asked explicitly several times (most obviously, "You have all your life still before you." / "The popular question is, for what?") It's important that Lymond loses his title at the start of this book; he has to figure out who he will be without it.

The main characters all represent possible paths Lymond could take -

O'Liam Roe, who sits back and laughs at the world with detachment, while abdicating all responsibility to use his mind and position to change the world for the better.

Robin Stewart, who loses himself in bitterness about the ways the world has been unfair to him, and in fixating on how he deserved better, fails to take any action to improve himself.

Oonagh, who works passionately to change the world for the better, but whose ideals have become corrupted because she has attached herself to a leader who is more out for himself than for their cause.

And of course Thady Boy and Vervassal, two extremes of himself that Lymond tries on, and (by the end of the series) must learn to reconcile.

The recurring imagery of the first half is the carnival, the masks, the music, the parties, and our hero in danger of losing himself amidst the debauchery. In the second half the imagery every time Lymond appears is of ice, the ultra-controlled, hyper-competent version of Lymond at risk of losing himself by denying his artistic soul. (There’s a wonderful essay here that explores these motifs.)

In the end, Lymond comes to the conclusion that he must not withdraw into detachment or bitterness, that he must find a way to make a positive difference in the world, but that he also must not attach himself to a powerful figure who may be more out for themselves than for Scotland (ie, his refusal to attach himself to Marie de Guise). This sets up the creation of his mercenary army in the next books, as a way he can exercise independent influence in the world.

The Disorderly Knights

This book couldn't be more relevant to the world today. It's a portrait of cynical hypocrisy in pursuit of power; it lays out step by step the tactics of propaganda and manipulation used by despots to build up themselves and tear down their rivals: pretend to be pious, accuse of others of your own crimes, tear down straw men instead of engaging in real debate. It tells us to "look at his hands"; what matters is what a leader actually does, not what he professes to believe.

It shows us how leaders use charisma to manipulate, and, in showing the battle between Gabriel and Lymond for Jerott's loyalty, shows how Lymond takes the harder and more ethical path, by refusing to use his charisma to seduce (a lesson learned from his experience with Robin Stewart) and instead guiding Jerott to come to his own conclusions by means of rational thought instead of hero worship.

At every level the novel advocates for tolerance and internationalism, and against petty sectarianism, as Lymond questions whether the Knights of St John are really any better than the Turks, and as he tries to get the Scottish border families to abandon their feuds in favor of the greater good of the country.

In terms of genre, it’s a pure adventure novel. I never get bored of the masterful action sequences with the battles in Malta and Tripoli, and the extraordinary duel at St Giles in the end. (Also in terms of thematic imagery, there is some crazy S&M shit going on in this book, with Gabriel and Joleta's sadism and Lymond's self-sacrificial masochism.)

I love Disorderly Knights so much. It is nearly perfect - well structured, thematically coherent, witty, fun, breathtaking, and heartbreaking.

Pawn in Frankincense

In genre, this is a quest novel. In several places it explicitly parallels The Odyssey.

In theme, it explores -

Do the ends justify the means? How much sacrifice is too much? Lymond gives up his fortune, his body, and his health; Philippa gives up her freedom and her future; we are asked often consider, which goal is more important, stopping Gabriel or saving the child? We even see this theme in Marthe's subplot, as she gives up the treasure, her dream to "be a person," to save her companions. Perhaps the most telling moment is right after Lymond kills Gabriel; despite all his claims that Gabriel’s death mattered more than the fate of the child, he’s already forgotten it, instead playing over and over in his mind the death of Khaireddin. If you do what is intellectually right but it destroys your soul, was it really right?

The other big theme is “nature vs nurture.” What is the impact of upbringing on how people turn out? In its comparisons of Kuzum vs Khaireddin, and Lymond vs Marthe, it seems to fall firmly on the side of nurture.

It’s also a kaleidoscope of views on love, with its Pilgrims of Love and their poetry, and the contrasting images of selfless, sacrificial love (Philippa and Evangelista for Kuzum, Salablanca for Lymond, Lymond for Khaireddin, perhaps Marthe for Lymond as she helps him in the end) with possessive, needy “love” (Marthe for Guzel, Jerott for Marthe or Lymond, arguably even the Aga for Lymond).

This novel is also a tragedy. Its imagery and the historical background complement the themes by creating an atmosphere lush, beautiful, labyrinthine, overwhelming, and suffocating.

The Ringed Castle

I have to confess this is my least favorite, in large part because I find the historical sequences (in Russia and in Mary Tudor's court in England) go on way too long and have only tangential relationships to the themes and characters.

It seems to be primarily about self-delusion as a response to trauma.  Lymond spends the entire novel trying to be someone he isn't, in a place he doesn't belong, because he is too damaged to face reality. (His physical blindness as a manifestation of his psychological blindness; the sequences at John Dee's, surrounded by mirrors, forcing him to see himself.) 

Lymond convinces himself he can build a wall around his heart to block out all human connection, that he can be a “machine,” but despite his best efforts, he cares for Adam Blacklock and develops a true friendship with Diccon Chancellor. And of course, by far the most important moment is after the Hall of Revels, when Lymond's heart unfreezes and he suddenly sees one thing VERY clearly. (And then tries, desperately, to escape it.)

The only reason I can think of that the book lingers so long on Mary Tudor (so boring omg) is the parallel with Lymond, her false pregnancies as a manifestation of her desire to see the world as she wants it to be, and her failure to see reality as it is. Ivan of Russia also is a parallel: delusional, unable to trust, and dangerous. Their failures, and the failure of Lymond's Russia adventure and relationship with Guzel, tell us that you cannot hide from reality forever.

The book spends so long painting the backdrop of 16th century Russia that it makes me think that Dunnett got too caught up in her research and needed a stronger editor, although there is also a parallel with Lymond in the idea of Russia as a traumatized nation struggling to establish itself, and of course, Lymond subsuming his need to deal with his own issues into a goal of building a nation.

It's also about exploration, about the intellectual wonder of discovering that there is more to the world, as we learn about Diccon Chancellor and the Muscovy Company. It’s wonderful imagery, but I struggle to how this fits coherently into the overall theme of the novel, and am curious how others reconcile it.

I like the idea of this book more than the reality. If you’re going to do to your hero what Dunnett did to Lymond in “Pawn,” there has to be consequences. But hundreds of pages of our hero in such a frozen state is difficult to read.

That said, the Hall of Revels is one of the best things in the series, and I’ll always love this book for that.

Checkmate

Checkmate is about reconciliation of self and recovery from trauma, as Lymond is forced (kicking and screaming) to accept who is and what he's done, and to allow himself to love and be loved. Philippa is his guide, as she discovers the secrets of his birth, understands his childhood, hears his tales of all the terrible things he's done, and loves him anyway. As far as genre, this is definitely a romance.

There are villains in this book (Leonard Bailey, Margaret Lennox, Austin Grey) but they're all fairly weak; the true antagonist is Lymond himself. From the beginning, he could have everything he needs to be happy (he's married to the woman he loves, and she loves him back!); his true struggle is to stop running from it (by escaping to Russia or committing suicide) and to break through his own psychological barriers enough to allow himself to accept it.

The primary parallel is with Jerott and Marthe, who also have happiness almost in their grasp, but never manage to achieve it.

The heritage plot looms large and is (IMO) tedious; it's so melodramatic that it takes some mental gymnastics to get it to make thematic sense to me. It ultimately comes down to Lymond's identity crisis and childhood trauma. His “father” rejected and abused him, so he based his identity on his relationship to his mother, but his suspicion that he is a bastard means he lives in terror that he doesn’t really belong in his family and that, if his mother isn’t perfect, he is rotten. (I love him but, my god, it is juvenile. The only way I can reconcile it is that his fear about the circumstances of his birth is really just a stand-in for his self-hatred caused by his traumas.) He also continues to struggle with his envy that Richard was born into a position with power and influence that Lymond has spent the past six books struggling to obtain, and that Lymond’s terrible traumas (starting with the galleys) would not have happened if he had been the heir. The discovery that he actually IS the legitimate heir is what finally snaps him out of it, since his reaction is to want to protect Richard, and this also reconciles him to Sybilla since protecting Richard was her goal too.

There are some other parts of this book that I struggle to reconcile (Lymond's inability to live if he can't have sex with Philippa; the way the focus on heritage seems to undercut the nature vs nurture themes; that no one but Jerott is bothered by Marthe's death, which undercuts some of the most moving moments in "Pawn”; and I mostly just pretend the predestination and telepathy stuff didn’t happen). On the other hand, I do sort of love the way this book wholeheartedly embraces the idea that there is no human being on earth who will ever be as melodramatic as Francis Crawford.

In terms of the historical elements, in addition to providing the narrative grounding for the character stuff to play out, it sets up the idea that Scotland has troubles coming up (the religious wars, the betrayal of the de Guises) and that Lymond needs to go home, let go of France and Russia, and focus on Scotland where he belongs. I’m sure there is also some political nuance in the fact that our Scottish hero, after spending so much time and energy in France, ends up with an English wife.

The conclusion in the music room is perfect - it brings us back to the amnesiac Lymond who innocently played music with Christian Stewart, to Thady Boy whose songs made the cynical French court weep, and fills the “void” Lymond described to Jerott where there was no prospect of music. The aspects of himself are finally reconciled and he has a partner to share his life with.

I am curious what others see as the macro / thematic big picture meanings of these books. :)  And if anyone can find the key to make “Ringed Castle” and “Checkmate” make more sense to me...