#'i will not drink' part of my brain is stronger than the 'life is bad and i need to have control' part

[particleseparationroom]

had a dream i was hooking up w a guy and in order to impress him i'd poured us both shots. and right when i was about to do it i said out loud "this is stupid, i'm not killing a 3 month streak for some guy" and dumped it into the grass. so ive got that going for me

[straylightdream]

It’s not living - 𝐈𝐟 𝐢𝐭’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮

𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐭: bang chan x f.reader

↳ after years of being friends you talk about what the future holds for you.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: suggestive, implied sex and mentions of sex and self doubt.

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1.2k

𝐚𝐧: I’m still struggling with writers block, and these short one shots seem to be helping. If you would like to join any of my Stray Kids taglist please fill out this form.

𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐬.

Another late night passes and you squeeze your eyes shut trying to relieve some of the pressure from your throbbing headache. Your hands went up and pushed away light sweat that had formed on your face. A yawn passed your lips as you rolled over slowly. Your bright eyes popped open when you came in contact with a warm body you weren’t expecting to be in your bed.

Your wide eyes connect with the pair of warm eyes. Your stomach dropped at the sudden realization of everything that had unfolded between you and Chan. Biting your bottom lip your eyes were still wide. You couldn’t believe you were waking up in bed with him.

Chan seemed to be completely unfazed by his unusual bed buddy. A yawn passed his lips and stretched out his tense body. The covers sat low on his torso below his v and barely covering his naked body. You tugged up the bed sheet feeling all too aware that you were also naked.

“I can tell you’re freaking out,” he broke the silence between you. Chan was always someone in your life that could always read you like an open book.

“I’m just in shock that we actually had sex,” your mind flashed back to the moment between the two of you. You had drank some the night before but you weren’t super drunk. You made the foolish choice to start by drinking beer and then switched to mixing vodka and tequila. The nauseous feeling you were experiencing let you know that you hadn’t made the best choices when it came to drinking.

As your bright eyes traveled up the basically naked body of Chan. You weren’t sure if sleeping with him was a good decision or a bad one.

He moved so he was resting on his side propped up on his elbow. Reaching over he gently pushed a piece of your hair behind your ear. His gentle touch made you smile.

Chan and you had been friends since freshman year of high school. The moment your eyes locked onto Chan’s dark ones you knew that you were in trouble. All throughout high school you couldn’t help but fall more and more in love with Chan. Your brain was constantly telling you to stay away from the boy who broke hearts without a care in the world, but your heart wasn’t smart enough to listen.

When you went away to a different city for college you pushed away the thoughts of Bang Chan knowing that you rarely ever crossed his mind. After returning from college you were blindsided when you heard him tell you that he truly missed you.

From the moment you returned from college your friendship with Chan seemed stronger than ever. You watched as women threw themselves at him, and honestly you couldn’t blame them. Your feelings for him quickly returned and it wasn’t long before you were pretty sure you were in love with him.

During your night out with Chan you had been dancing together and hands started to roam your soft body and you made the mistake of blurting out that you were in love with him.

His eyes went wide in shock but quickly narrowed as he processed what you had said to him. With his lips brushing against your skin he lowered his voice and whispered, “you have no clue how wild you drive me.”

Soon his lips crashed into yours and you exchanged a heated first kiss on the dance floor.

Chan had a type, he loved pretty girls who were very rich. You met only one of the categories and it was the rich part. You were a girl who struggled with self love but we’re learning how to love yourself.

As you left the club in a hurry Chan’s lips stayed by your ear whispering sweet words of how beautiful you were. The uber ride back to your place couldn’t go fast enough.

You let down your walls as Chan told you how much you meant to him. You made him promise that this was more than a hookup. You couldn’t just be another notch in Chan’s belt. You valued herself too much for this to be just a hookup with the boy you were in love with. You were in love with the man who sat on his knees in front of you as he slowly pulled your tight black jeans down your legs.

The night you shared was perfect. You had started out tipsy but that soon faded away as she enjoyed his touch. Closing your eyes you remembered everything you had said to each other. Your heart sank at the thought that things between you might stay with you only being friends.

You looked away quickly and suddenly wished that you could take back everything that had happened the night before between you.

“Hey?” His voice was low and raspy probably from the fact that he had just woken up.

“Yeah?” You looked back over at him.

“I need you to do me a favor and not completely freak out right now.”

Slowly you sat up and sat crossed legged on the bed with the blanket pulled up covering your naked body. Silently he sat up and sat across from you with the blanket pooled in his lap.

Your eyes flickered up to his and you whispered, “Those things you said yesterday…did you mean them?”

He paused for a moment and stared at you. The silence between you had your ears ringing. You wanted to scream at him to say something because you couldn’t take it. A million thoughts were going through your head.

“Of course I do,” he said with a smile as he finally spoke up.

Your heart raced as you stared at him, he gently reached up and rested his hand gently on your cheek. You felt suddenly as if you wanted to cry at the fact that he felt the same way about you. So many years you’ve pined for the man sitting across from you. Your teenage years weren’t spent trying your hardest not to fall in love with Bang Chan, and here you were helplessly in love with him.

“So you do love me Chan?” You asked. You desperately need to hear him say he loves you.

He nodded his head smiling, “Of course I love you (YN).” The weight of the world suddenly feels like it’s been lifted off your shoulders. You can’t help the huge smile that forms on your lips.

Leaning forward he connected his lips to yours for a soft kiss. Both his hands held your face gently as your lips danced.

Pulling away you smiled at each other knowing that things between you were going to be different forever.

[khaire-traveler]

This might be a silly question .. But I’ve been struggling a lot for over a year, and I’ve been neglecting my relationship with the gods more than I’d like to admit.

The most I’ve done is reach out to them for help with managing through things, I’ve barely been talking to them or reading about them (which is hard anyway because my brain barely functions half the time). I’m just struggling a lot and I don’t feel like I can handle much right now.

I think a post I saw the other day really got into my head, where it mentioned respecting your deities and not only reaching out to them when you need something. Now I’m very much dwelling on it because .. well, I’ve been only reaching out when I need help most of the time.

Should I avoid reaching out to them any further until I can do more than just ask for help when I need it?

Hey, Nonny,

I direct you to this post that I just made in response to a similar ask. I feel it answers your question pretty well, actually.

Echoing my thoughts from the aforementioned post, I believe that a deity relationship that is built solely on the expectation of giving to receive constantly is not sustainable or healthy. This is just my personal opinion, but I feel that when we put so much pressure on ourselves to give and give and give, it discourages us from ever reaching out, especially when we are unable to immediately give back. I think it's important to set boundaries for ourselves and make the deity aware that while you may now always be able to give back straight away, you do still greatly appreciate their help.

It's more than ok to ask deities for help during challenging times. I believe they probably enjoy feeling valued and trusted enough for us to turn to them for our personal problems. However, a relationship that is built solely on asking for help and nothing else is likely not the best for us or our deities. I believe it's important to build a relationship, not solely through offerings, but in more personal ways. A deity relationship does not get stronger by only showing them respect through offerings and the like; it grows stronger through time spent, interests shared, and being vulnerable with the deity. We form closer bonds with loved ones through similar means.

If you want to grow closer with deities without the expectation of giving, I recommend doing things like watching your favorite movies or shows with them, incorporating them into your day (listening to a devotional playlist or caring for yourself as a devotional act), and sharing aspects of your life with them. Communicating directly with your deity - through prayer, journaling, or other means - is also an extremely important part of forming a relationship. After all, if we don't communicate, how can we become closer?

The point of all of this is to say that you are not required to give offerings as your sole form of worship, devotion, or showing appreciation. Worship can be shown in seemingly small ways as well. I encourage you to find ways to include your deities in your day. It doesn't have to be anything big; it can be as simple as dedicating a glass of water to them and drinking it. It can even be noticing their presence in the world around, such as through the warmth of the sun or the songs of birds. Along with that, asking for help is never a bad thing. I feel deities actually enjoy it when we ask for help because it shows them that we both trust and value them. However, I will admit that a relationship solely built on asking for help likely isn't a sustainable one. This is why I suggest finding other ways, outside of giving offerings, to interact with them. I think it'll help you feel a lot less guilty about not being able to give a physical offering. It's also a great way to make your relationship feel more personal and deepen your bond with a deity. Again, I want to emphasize that asking for help is never a bad thing, but I do encourage you to explore your deity relationships in other ways as well. There's all sorts of things you can do with and for a deity. Even meditation can be a great form of interaction.

You are not doing anything morally wrong by asking a deity for help. You aren't a bad worshipper or a horrible person for relying on your deities without giving something in return. There's nothing wrong with you for that. It's ok, and I'm sure your deities are capable of understanding your reasons for not giving as much as you'd like to. Try not to beat yourself up so much. Not having the energy or emotional ability to give an offering is both completely normal and entirely understandable. I think it's best if you focus more on yourself and taking care of you for now. I believe our deities don't want us to neglect our own well-being simply to venerate them. I feel they care enough about us to want our health before an offering.

I hope this helps you to hear these things. This is all based on my personal experience, so take it for what you will. There is no single right way to worship. There are no rules. We do what we see fit, and there's nothing wrong with that. I hope you take care, Nonny, and that you feel better. I wish you the best. Have a good day/night. 🧡

[meltedbluecaterpillar]

Otoya Ittoki - Smut Alphabet

A/N: These are my personal thoughts and Headcanons. You don’t have to agree with me. The original alphabet is here.

A - Aftercare = (what they're like after sex)

Otoya has to lay there in shock for a minute each time. I don’t see him as someone who craves this kind of intimacy so when he finally finishes… It’s like he’s amazed by himself for getting this far. Also amazed by you making his toes curl.

He’s hungry. And thirsty. Mostly hungry. His first step is to get up and hydrate. Of course, he’s asking if you want anything. It’s probably too late/early in the morning for curry when you do have sex… But a sandwich is a quick and easy! Maybe even some soft little cookies as a reward for a job well done.

B - Body Part = (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partners.)

I think Otoya loves his hands the most. They’re his most skilled tool since he’s spent his whole life playing guitar. Practice makes perfect in many different ways. I feel like he has nice long fingers too that are suited for piano. And he keeps his nails short since he plays guitar so he never scratches you when he fingers you and he can reach and push all your favorite spots. He’s stronger than you too… So holding your wrists down, gripping tightly to your body… Even just holding your hands… It makes him feel good.

I think his favorite part on a partner would also be their hands. The feeling of them touching him. Holding him. Pinching, poking, rubbing… It’s very intimate for him. He loves it a lot, I think skinship is very big in his pyramid of needs so knowing that his partner wants to touch him makes him all jittery.

C - Cum = (anything to do with cum basically)

I believe that he has… An okay enough diet. So it’s bearable. However I think he’s so anxious about getting caught jerking off that he gets pent up bad so it always comes out thick.

He eats his fruits and drinks water like he’s supposed to so it’s a salty sweet flavor. The thick consistency can sometimes be a little more watery so it’s easy to clean. He’s very apologetic about if it’s too thick for you to enjoy. Otoya can’t help it…

D - Dirty Secret = (a dirty secret of theirs)

Chronic Goo Brain. He’s so pent up constantly from having to keep his life in order as an idol that after no masturbating and no attention from you he starts becoming feral. Hands in tight fists when he stares at you in total silence thinking about fucking you.

He’s gonna keep smiling and being polite. Treating you like he usually does. But when you start pawing at him or gently rubbing your body against his… The only thing stopping him from snapping in the thought of you hating him for whatever reason. Even if he fantasizes about having you in seven different positions in seventy minutes he won’t… He can’t…

He values you a lot in his life… Even if he’s starting to get hard and he’s going to break down crying because he chooses good instead of evil.

E - Experience = (how experienced are they? do they know what they're doing?)

Otoya won’t lie if he says his closest sexual interaction was a dirty magazine he snuck into the dorms. But he also doesn’t want to seem clueless either! He picks up on things very easily but he still is clumsy at first. Just be patient!

He is so excited to have sex with you for the first time! He rehearsed to himself, pep talk and all… And he gets to your place… And sits on the very edge of the bed with his hands folded together starting at his knees.

He’s just nervous… He can do it… Let’s start with the red LED lights on and turn the others off…

F - Favorite Position = (exactly what it says)

I think Otoya is great with anything that lets him feel your whole body against him. Imagine doggy style but he ends up flattening your body between him and the mattress. Sucking at your neck and shoulders. Pinching your nipples. Moaning in your ear as he keeps his thrusts steady.

I’m sure he’s a fan of good ol’ vanilla missionary too… Something basic to start with but I think over time he gets freakier with how he wants to twist you up.

G - Goofy = (are they more serious in the moment? are they more humourous?)

Goober alert. Dork boy incoming. People tend to disagree with me when I say this but; Otoya Ittoki is a fucking dweeb.

He’s very cute and sweet and he’s honest and overall he’s the guy you see in the hallway at school and he lingers in your mind for the entire school year. Because he’s a geek ass. I think if he was tense and so are you he could lighten the mood with ease. It’s never full blown laughter but he’s great at breaking tension between you.

He’s just as nervous but he’d rather at least one of you is more comfortable. Preferably you. He never wants to take sex super seriously since it should be enjoyable. It’s not just some mechanical thing for him.

H - Hair = (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes?)

I personally don’t think Otoya pays that much attention to it. But since he’s an idol and sometimes has to be shirtless he does have to keep his happy trail under control.

I think if he looks at it long enough he’ll decide it’s out of control and trim it down. That or if you complain. But I don’t think it’s something that really crosses his mind since to him “Huh? Everyone has pubes right? It’s not that serious.” But it can’t be if he’s expecting a blowjob at some point… But some people don’t mind hair… So it just depends.

I - Intimacy = (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect?)

He only watches amateur porn. It’s the only kind that he can get off too when he sees it.

Otoya sees sex as vulnerable between you and the person you like. Very traditional thinking. So he isn’t really a sleep around person. Unless you’re dating for x amount of time he probably won’t make any intimate suggestions like that.

He really likes vocal encouragement, kissing, and touching. So it’s rare for sex to feel carnal even if it should feel that way from how pent up he was. Otoya has a good sense of self control so he wants to remind you that he loves you a lot! Even when he pulls out to cum on your belly button because creampies are a hassle.

J - Jack Off = (masturbation headcanon)

He wants to jack off more. But he’s very nervous about being caught.

I don’t think his unit members believe in knocking on doors because they seem like dicks to each other in a loving way. I don’t think in the new game Otoya has a roommate anymore, but the knowledge that someone could bang on his door mid pump strikes fear inside of him.

He gets pent up so bad and he tries not to come off as irritated eventually he makes time in the shower or he sneaks to the bathroom after everyone is asleep. His room just feels impossible sometimes but he can’t wait. Usually I think on average he jerks of once or twice a month it’s that bad for him.

K - Kink = (one or more of their kinks)

I think Otoya is very into overstimulation. Especially for himself since he doesn’t get to ever make time to touch you or himself. He feels like he needs it all in one go to really feel satisfied. So even when he can’t form coherent sentences anymore he’s willing to keep going until he’s edging the line of fainting.

Dry humping is a big one too. Bonus if you’re making out. Having you sit in his lap while you grind together. It makes him so leaky and sticky he can’t help it at all. He might cum right there if you keep going even if it’s humiliating.

L - Location = (favorite place to do the do)

Otoya likes the idea of his room more as a concept than actually fucking there. If someone burst in telling him dinner was ready only to see him mid thrust he would quit his job and live in the desert.

I think small spaces that are very secluded are what he likes. Closets, the bathroom, ect. Probably his dressing room if he can find time. Which are more public than you think but his brain tells him those are much safer than his own bedroom. The other members expect him to be in there. He’s using reverse psychology.

(He’s not)

M - Motivation = (what turns them on, gets them going?)

He likes when you’re open about what you want because he always stumbles over what he wants to say. He thinks you’re the best and he wants to pipe you so badly but he can’t piece together the sentence.

When you directly touch him and squeeze him! He’s your handsome lil’ boy toy and he’s ready to please. He prefers someone that’s direct during sex. He can’t take it from there.

N - No = (something they wouldn’t do, turns offs)

Pain. It’s not that Otoya can’t handle it he just can’t comprehend how pain and sex go hand in hand. Being rough is way different.

By pain I mean punching and smacking. Anything that might actually bruise other than a hickey. You can ask him to slap you but he might cringe and shake his head. He’ll probably… Otoya would probably hold you by your throat but that’s the most you’ll get from him.

O - Oral = (preference on giving or receiving, skill, ect.)

He wants a blowjob so bad. He looks down at his fist wrapped around his cock and immediately his mood starts to sour because he wants it to be your mouth instead. Even if you think you aren’t doing a good job to him it’s the most toe curling orgasm he’s ever had.

He’s not opposed to returning the favor. Let’s give it up for Motor Mouth of the Century. All that talking he does? I promise he can work his tongue like crazy. He picks up fast so if you tell him the spots you like he can figure it out. And the internet is such a great place.

Give him a week and you might start screaming the next time you let him go down on you.

P - Pace = (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual?)

Otoya could do either or.

I think he prefers taking it slow and making up for lost time. Lots of foreplay even if he’s impatient. Plenty of kissing until you’re lightheaded.

I think he cums quicker the faster he moves too. So he probably wants to take it slow so he’s not seen as a minute man. It’s embarrassing… He will be a little rougher if you’ve been teasing him to that point but it’s still full of love. He’s just pent up and he’ll say sorry later.

Q - Quickie = (their opinions of quickies, how often, etc.)

He thinks it’s exciting. The idea of running off for a quickie makes him sticky and flushed he hides his face in his hands. Usually he’ll try to brush you off since he feels like the others might catch you. But if it’s a day where Otoya has reached his ‘no jerking’ threshold he’s like a dog on a leash. Going wherever you want to go.

R - Risk = (are they game to excitement? do they take risks, etc.)

It would really depend on what you mean by risk. He wouldn’t want to ever injure you or harm you in any way. You’re his most precious person! If it’s trying something new like role play or even getting him to submit I think he’d be starry eyed to try.

He trusts you more than you trust him.

S - Stamina = (how many rounds can they go for? how long can they last?)

He’s very athletic and he has great cardio from dancing and working out in general for idol reasons and just because he loves to move his body. So I think he has very good stamina.

Which can be both a blessing and curse depending on the person.

If he’s pent up and needy he’ll want to keep going and going and going and going… Who knows how many condoms you’ve gone through now. Or if you were even using them in the first place. It can be numbing so if you can’t take anymore you have to tell him to stop. Or he might not… If it was up to him he could go from dusk to dawn no issue. But he will listen if you tell him it’s too much. He can handle stopping. It’s good to take breaks! Or be completely done for the night!~!

T - Toys = (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themself?)

Out of curiosity I think Otoya has bought one to try. He hardly uses it since the silicone has an odd feeling to him. Being rubbed and squeezed like that is so much different than a hand or a mouth…

He will use it on occasion but not often. I think if his partner want to try toys he’s not against it! He thinks looking together could be very fun. Seeing what the two of you like. A sexual bonding moment!

U - Unfair = (how much they like to tease)

I can’t imagine Otoya as a teasing person unless it’s accidental. But I do see him as trying to be assertive. Or at least trying. He wants to be mature and sexy and cool like some of his other unit members. He wants you to see him as a man!

But really he’ll sit you on his thigh if you watch TV together or he’s playing FIFA, or he’ll rub his hand along your back if he’s getting around you for whatever reason. He doesn’t mean anything by it. He just likes feeling you close to him.

V - Volume = (how loud are they? what sounds they make, etc.)

He struggles to be quiet. He’s embarrassed by it but he can’t help it. He’s whimpering and whining when you stroke him or suck him off. His eyes pricked with tears as he fights the urge to cum.

He loves moaning in your ear. Telling you how good you make him feel. How he wants you to feel just as good as he does all in a husky needy whisper.

W - Wild = (a random headcanon on the character)

I think Otoya likes playing coy. He does genuinely get embarrassed during sex over small things and he is a little anxious because of his line of work.

He does like the long game in a way. His own personal overstim. Gently pushing you away and thinking about his own build up inside when you tease him. Feeling you rub against him and urge him to do what he wants. It makes him happy. It makes him aroused.

X - X-ray = (lets see whats going on under those clothes)

It’s fat and it’s a problem.

I think Otoya sees his dick as normal since it’s his and he looks at it all the time. But he learns quickly that there may be issues. He’s very sensitive around his head and I think he wouldn’t be cut? I think the skin is there but it’s not a lot of excess.

It gets flushed and red when he’s excited and he stretches you open it’s hard not to cum from the feeling. He doesn’t know it’s big unless you tell him and he nervously mutters ‘no it’s not…’ under his breath. He doesn’t want you to be in pain…

He starts fingering you and working you open more during foreplay so it’s easier.

Y - Yearning = (how high is their sex drive?)

It’s higher than average but not insane. Otoya is great with self control so even though he wants to shove you on a counter and mount you like a dog he knows that it’s the worst thing he could do.

When you tease him he starts to spiral and wonder if maybe grabbing onto you is fine. Maybe he can work things out if he shows you how horny he is? Because of idol duties and the unit members constant lingering he never has time to show you his meat. So even though he’s smiling and happy; he’s fucking you raw in a delusion.

Z - Zzz = (how quickly they fall asleep afterward)

The term I use is ‘Afterwork High’.

You finish hard labor and get an adrenaline rush for about an hour before the exhaustion punches you in the chest. I think Otoya would get that. So he cleans you up and feeds you, but then he wants to play FIFA or start working out after… But then it all starts to weigh on him just as he’s twenty minutes into an online match… And he’s almost falling asleep.

Usually he catches himself but sometimes he’ll fall asleep with the controller in his hand or curled up on the floor. Usually you get him to sleep next to you peacefully and satisfied.

[murdockbuckley]

omg 10 wips?? which one is your favourite?

better yet, what is your favourite line from each??

i cannot pick a favourite but here are some snippets from a few!!

1. aroace eddie

It was forced upon him with the expectation of a domesticity pertaining to romantic love. An expectation he could never live up to, for a reason he could never admit to - for fear of being known, of being shamed, of being different.

2. girldad!buck

I remember the first time you told me about the family you made for yourself in LA. About how your Captain felt more like a father to you than Philip ever did. About Hen and Chim who felt like your older siblings. And how Athena marrying Bobby made her your sort-of-not-really-but-kinda mother. I know the bond you all have has only grown stronger through the years. They are your family. Her family too, introduce her to them. Let her know her grandparents and her aunts and uncles; Maddie is right in that they would all love and accept her, no matter how long you think you’ve ‘kept her secret’.

Ask them for help. They will help you without any hesitation, okay?

I know Eddie is probably there with you, or you’ll be telling him as soon as you’ve finished reading this. Lean on him. Accept his help. Talk to him. You are each other's safety nets, so don’t be afraid to fall into him.

3. poet!buck #1

Later that week, Buck found himself alone in his apartment with the rain pattering gently on the windows. Not the most ideal weather for him, but if he wants to write about his thoughts from that night, and everyday since, he supposes it’s a fitting choice. Maybe The Universe is trying to help jog his memory - it’s not as if he remembers every excruciating detail of every moment.

He sat, with pen in hand, on the floor in front of the coffee table. Maybe not the wisest decision because his leg pain will inevitably flair up, especially if he’s not careful. But he got some floor cushions, the big and comfy circle kind - they’re not bean bags Eddie - that he brought for the purpose of playing board games with anyone who would keep him company.

Buck supposes trying to hack into his ten year old self’s brain to write some shitty poetry is also a good use for them.

4. poet!buck #2

They were sat just far enough from the others Eddie didn’t feel bad about starting this conversation now. Besides he was curious, and he’s almost died enough times to satisfy that curiosity (Buck had already taken care of the being brought back part of the idiom).

As Buck was about to say something more, a grape hit him in the forehead. He reeled back with an offended look and Eddie hid a chuckle behind his drink.

“What are you two love birds talking about?”

“None of your business, Howard.” He threw the grape back at Chim, Eddie laughed at his offended expression.

“Oh come on. Were you just flirting with my brother in law, Diaz?”

Eddie smirked, “Oh yeah. I was telling him all the things I would do to him when we make you look after Chris next week. Like-”

“Oh gross. I love you boys but I do not want to be hearing about your sex life,” Hen interrupted, Chim exaggeratedly nodded along with her while the others laughed at her disgust.

“Chim asked! Besides, I never said it was about sex.”

“Alright, knock it off now. The actual kids are coming to eat, let’s keep it age appropriate?”

Buck floundered, “But- but I know so much about your sex life because of Bobby that’s not fair.”

Athena shut him up with a warning glare, Bobby pressed a smiling kiss to her temple.

[sisterkosho]

General Headcanons | Nanako Asano

Notes: So as I mentioned before, I’ve been having a bit of Tokyo Revengers brainrot as of late. And after some consideration, I figured I might as well just start letting it all out on here since the fandom still seems to be somewhat active compared to other sites. With that said, I offer you this little headcanon post centering around OC I’m currently working on. She’s still in the early stages of development so everything here is subject to change (and likely will be rewritten later), but for now I kinda just wanted to share the stuff that’s been floating around my brain as I work on her. Enjoy!

Nanako is a delinquent from the Roppongi district known for being particularly close to the Haitani brothers.

She first met the two when she was just 13 after wandering into territory they claimed was theirs. And while she wasn’t affiliated with any gang at the time, she was clearly a delinquent.

As such, the encounter inevitably led to a fight, and although she held her own surprisingly well given the circumstances of a 2 v 1 against boys clearly stronger than she was, she ultimately lost in the end.

However, perhaps because of her impressive skills in combat or her “natural charisma” as he put it, Ran seemed to take a liking to her over the duration of the fight.

Right then and there, he decided that he wanted to keep her around.

He’d have her join them, and nothing was going to change his mind,

This left Nanako… a bit taken aback, to say the least. It was all so sudden, and it sounded more like a demand than an offer. Just who did this kid think he was anyway???

She was fully prepared to tell him off, but once she actually took a moment to consider it… she realized that maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea.

It may have sounded crazy, but these boys were freakishly strong. So much so that they could easily take over the entire district if they wanted to. In fact, she had no doubt that they would sooner rather than later.

Getting in close with people like that could be the one chance she needed to make it big in the delinquent world, and that… well, that sounded fun.

And considering she did lose a fight against them on their own turf, a part of her felt like it would only be fair to accept. That’s how these kinds of things worked after all.

So from then on, Nanako followed behind them, serving as their right hand. And as expected, it wasn’t long before they had taken over Roppongi.

They became total big shots, and being associated with them gained her quite the reputation amongst delinquents in the area.

After all, the brothers were known for their independence and refusal to be a part of any gang, so for her to have gotten so close to them… she must’ve been something special.

It was thanks to all that that she eventually ended up becoming a part of the S-62 generation on Ran’s recommendation.

A part of her knew that maybe they were going too far by that point, getting involved in things they probably shouldn’t. But she couldn’t bring herself to care.

Even with the way things had turned out, she was happy. She was having fun. But most importantly, she had people she cared about more than anything in the world.

So when it came down to it, she didn’t care what kind of path she went down. She’d follow them anywhere, no matter what.

From Tenjiku to Bonten, she stood by their side. And never once did she regret a thing.

She was having the time of her life, and she wouldn’t trade it for the world no matter how many hardships they faced. Though really, she felt like she had it made most of the time.

To her, the Haitani brothers are like family.

Rindou is like the little brother she never had.

He started calling her “big sis” as a joke, but it ended up sticking.

She goes drinking with him sometimes and it always ends in shenanigans of some sort.

She always takes the fall so he doesn’t get in trouble.

They’ve played tic tac toe on Ran’s forehead on numerous occasions.

Ran calls her “Nana-chan”.

The two had this sort of unspoken thing going on between them for awhile until Rindou started trying to play matchmaker.

He wasn’t the greatest wingman but somehow it worked out.

In both the Bonten arc and the final timeline, Nanako and Ran ended up married.

In the final timeline, she works as a bartender at the Haitani brothers’ club.

[del3141]

The archaeological dig site marked "childhood memories - danger - cognitohazardous waste"

CW: drug use, mention of childhood trauma, long post that goes nowhere.

As Peter Gabriel says: digging in the dirt, to find the places we got hurt.

I don't avoid drugs, but I've never been much for any more than mild amounts. If I have alcohol it's one drink, or two if it's a special occasion and I'm feeling celebratory, or maybe even three if it's New Years (but way early in the night 'cuz I have to drive home). Two cups of coffee in a day for me is a lot. And I don't really partake in much else. No "hard" drugs, largely out of fear of addiction; my entire family has a history in that, and I ignore that legacy at great personal risk. I can't really smoke weed, I've got asthma and it'll mess me up, vape pens are harsh on my throat and lungs too. Edibles... well.

The thing about edibles (besides I can't stand the aftertaste) is that if it's a low dose, it doesn't do much of anything for me... but if it's a high dose, I get to go on an extended trip to my early childhood for the rest of the day, and all through my dreams that night, and a little into waking up the next day. For me, edibles aren't recreational, they're a psychiatric treatment for C-PTSD.

Which isn't a *bad* thing. But I don't do it on a whim. And every time, I come back with stuff that the front of my brain cleared out, but which is still in long-term memory, and gets brought back for analysis. An edible for me, essentially, is a round-trip ticket to a dig site for trauma and memory. It does, at least, provide a certain amount of emotional filtration. It's not a full flashback, the emotions have 30+ years of distance. But, y'know. It's still a bit of a flashback.

It's all part of me trying to piece together the context in which I was a kid. There are things my family wouldn't talk to me about even if we were still in contact, things that would embarrass them or make them look less Christian or less like good parents. Unfortunately, the only thing I have to go by is a very spotty set of childhood memories, plus context clues from the kind of people they were/are later in life. There's only so much I can do with the context clues. It seems that spotty memory can be at least nominally repaired.

I don't suppose anyone has any advice for doing this kind of thing for memory recovery. My biggest concern is the possibility of a false memory getting generated; I've had things that _felt_ like memories at the time but were very obviously not, just my brain attaching the recognition feeling to something random. But other things I was able to verify, with a bit of internet searching or just checking against other, stronger memories I've retained from the past.

[loveandshatteredglass]

Love the imagery in I would die for you but would you, can you elaborate on that a bit please? 🤗

I'm going through this line by line because I worked a lot with metaphors here and it actually is deeper than it sounds at first glance

The bullet through my head

Represents my sudden rushes of overthinking that felt like a shot in the head.

My brain spilling out on a silver plate

Represents the mental effort that went into trying to make things work, about which I tried to talk to him during and after the breakup that's figuratively my brain spilling out on a plate for him.

Bon appétit, my love

I hope it tastes sweet

I'm asking him to eat my brain as a sign of my devotion so he physically has a part of me in him and I care about the taste of it to make sure that what he's eating is delicious.

The knife impaling my heart

The breakup physically stung in my heart as if it had been stabbed and pulled out through the hole in my chest.

The blood I spit out into a wine glass

For my lover to drink

Another cannibalism reference; spitting out my blood into a fancy wine glass for him to drink for the same reasons as in the first verse.

I would die for you but would you?

I'm questioning if he would do the same for me as I would do for him. I feel like I was more devoted and committed to the relationship by doing everything in my power to save us, especially when things got hard towards the end. I would literally die for him, but I'm not sure he would too since he wouldn't even give us another chance.

When my final judgement day arrives

You will be the chief justice

You always see people twice in your life and here that second time will be a long time after we had parted ways, where he will have to make an impactful decision.

Imposing the death penalty

Despite having loved me in the past, he would show no mercy and sentence me to death, which, in a transferred sense, means he would still hurt me after all this time that had passed.

And for you I will happily take it

The golden thread through this poem: the willingness and almost eagerness to sacrifice myself for him because my love for him is stronger than the pain of anything he puts me through.

Burn me at the stake

A reference to the song Melissa by Mercyful Fate because it was a special song for me and my boyfriend. Maybe I would be burnt as a witch for seducing him or something.

And watch my skin turn into coal

A pictorial description of the burning process as a sign of my obvious suffering from his choices.

Is this what you wanted?

Are you enjoying the show?

The rhetorical question, both to make sure my suffering is pleasing enough for him and to give him a bad conscience. Of course he wanted this and must be enjoying the outcome because he himself made that decision, but I'm holding on to the small chance that he might realize what he had done, regret it and set me free.

When nothing is left of me

But my ashes and footprints of sin

Footprints of sin represent my own mistakes in the relationship that left a permanent mark, along with the ashes at the stake, which represent the wounds from my heartbreak and in a certain way how things went up in flames as the only option seemed to be a breakup without any attempt to save the relationship.

Will you ever think back to me

Or forget about the good times we had?

I wonder if when I'm not there anymore, he would ever think of me again and remember the many happy moments in our relationship or instead suppress those and focus on what had gone wrong in order to feed his bitterness and convince himself that he doesn't miss me and I don't mean as much to him as he means to me.

Maybe curse me even in death

Wish I had suffered more, died slower

I don't know how he feels about me at this point, so it's possible his resentment for me is so strong that he still wasn't satisfied with the way I suffered and wishes the torment had been even worse, longer and more painful.

Either way I don't care

For I'll sacrifice myself for your sake

What happens afterwards doesn't matter to me anymore because I would have the feeling that I had sacrificed myself for the person I love, even if he had broken my heart before.

[latveriastrong]

There's a thing I've been trying to process for most of my life, and. I think for a really long time, I couldn't even see the shape of it? Which makes it harder to address, of course.

(cw: discussion of psychological issues, toxic family dynamics, childhood neglect, injury of a loved one, blood, death of a loved one, and intergenerational pressure from an American-Romani perspective)

I considered myself some type of evil from about the age of 13, my first serious depression, onward. Some of that was gender dysphoria and internalized biphobia--regrettably, some Romani families are very conservative with certain things, and when you combine that with how media portrays us (queer ppl and Romani both) I figured I must just be a coded villain of some type.

Except, working through those things didn't change the feeling. If anything, it made it stronger, put it on some deeper level or something. It didn't hit me until last night, what else I was, growing up: I was bright. And able to articulate ideas above my age level. And able to seem calm even under pressure.

So to say that I was "parentified" is underselling it. I helped plan funerals. I gave legal advice. I was expected to have opinions on world events, and did. When I was 9 or so, my older brother (17 ish?) went out drinking with friends and got into a bar fight. He tapped on my window, I helped him inside, and I smelled blood. Like, a lot of blood. My bedroom was adjacent to a second bathroom that was only accessible through the room itself, so he climbed into the tub and begged me not to tell anyone.

So I'm standing there, covered in his blood, and. You have to understand, my brother was the person I looked up to the most, he was everything to me. He was my hero, and he was dying in a bathtub from blood loss. And I knew, if I did nothing, this would be it.

So I screamed. Just as loud and as shrill and as long as I could.

They still almost didn't save him that night, it took three transfusions to get the bleeding under control, and he died in another fight not long after, so it's like... I betrayed his confidence, for what? Is there any right choice to even make, when a person you love is that self-destructive?

But the thing I internalized in the time it took for the blood on my hands to dry, the decision I made that him being in trouble but alive was better than dead and a saint--I lived with that self-image for a very long time. And really? I'd make the same choice again.

But the truth of it is, I should never have been put in that position to begin with. I was a child. No matter my vocabulary, or capacity to give answers the adults liked, I was still a child. I was treated as a functional adult from the day I was able to climb up on chairs and fetch my own breakfast, and... I get that it was normal for my family, but I think my needs were deeply unmet because of it. I wasn't allowed a childhood, first because I was smart and reliable, and later because it was my "duty" to help lift my family out of poverty--what else did I have a useful brain for, after all--but I was never given any support, never given any underpinnings to hold up the massive weight of those expectations.

I didn't fail because I'm just naturally a bad person, or duplicitous or awful or have betrayal encoded in my DNA--I should know, I've had the DNA tested, twice now--I failed because I'm human. Because they expected so much from someone, without giving them the basics necessary to manage that kind of pressure. It killed my brother, I refused to let it kill me; that doesn't make me a monster. It just makes me a survivor.

And I say this with no animosity to any of the people involved, none of them did any of this maliciously, they just didn't understand that I was a neurodivergent kid with a fear of abandonment who had developed a facade of capability and self-sufficiency as coping strategies; they thought I could handle so much more than I could, in part because I'd have sooner died than let on that I maybe couldn't.

I don't think there's anyone at fault here. That's reality for you: very few actual monsters, just a lot of people misunderstanding each other.

[ener-lol]

the day i did meth

yeah, forget about my “notes” from the previous entry. I had no idea what I was in for.

okay, so... I read a lot about different substances and comparing my experience with the information I gathered, I'm fairly convinced that what we consumed was meth.

of course, without testing the pills themselves, there is no certainty, but I'm 100% sure that whatever is in those pills is not MDMA.

now, my experience.

I felt the pills hit quickly, but very subtly. as time progressed, the effects became exponentially stronger. once you get to the high, it's incredible. everything feels like it's perfect and shiny. you can stay awake forever, and bust out your best dance moves, and have incredibly complex and long conversations, and also come up with jokes and quips at lightspeed, and laugh anywhere like a maniac. also, you have no appetite at all.

it feels a bit like shrooms, but instead of having an emotional or spiritual component, it feels like your brain is working faster and harder to make everything feel better. that's the good part, and it's really fucking good.

now, THE BAD PART...

we took the pills at 2am.

first, in the club, i didn't quite feel paranoid, but I didn't want anybody near me. i was super uncomfortable because everyone kept bumping into me. when you're on MDMA, you're supposed to feel this sense of community and love for those who surround you. I didn't. I wanted all these people to keep their fucking distance. also my mouth got really dry and I had to start drinking lots and lots of water (which can actually be dangerous!)

when we got back to Alfonso's apartment at around 5am, the hours passed on and on and on and we just couldn't come down, we couldn't stop talking, and we couldn’t sleep!!! this thing kept us awake all night long. it was truly mind blowing to realize that, with the right substance, you can talk for 7 or 8 hours straight with someone, and never run out of things to say or even lose a single idea.

at around 11am, we went out for breakfast and sat in a park bench. I was still high as fuck, and we were talking and laughing maniacally about everything that was going on at the park. people were staring because we were clearly out of our minds.

at the same time, something in me started to warn me about this feeling being too good to be true; I knew I had hacked my brain into thinking that reality is so much brighter than it actually is. I kept having fun, but in parallel I started to get ready for the price I would have to pay.

I got home at around 1pm (about 11hrs after the first dose) and I was still totally fucked up. I was so accelerated, I had the most extreme shower of my life. then, I went to pick up my dog from the neighbor, who was watching him while I was gone, well, um... doing meth 🤪

next, at around 3pm, I tried to shut the blinds and get some sleep, but I couldn't. I managed to stay perfectly still and quiet for an hour, but I couldn't get to REM. I woke up, ordered some snacks and finally had something to eat after about 20 hours of fasting,

then, at 7pm, I had what felt like a horrible withdrawal episode, and started pacing around the room talking to myself out loud, trying to make some sense out of the whole experience. I was absolutely ON EDGE, again, a full 17 FUCKING HOURS after my first dose.

lately I've been in a good place in my life, so it was the right time to have this experience. I say this because I can totally imagine that someone who is going through a rough patch could try this shit out, have their mind blown, and immediately get hooked on it.

reading other people's experiences, what I learned about meth is that you can keep having more and more and more and stay in that zone indefinitely, and then it takes over your fucking life. this shit is really dangerous.

so, to summarize... I would say that the high of being on meth is amazing and unlike anything i've ever experienced, but I wouldn't ever want to face the consequences of using it again and I don't think anyone should even touch this shit.

I finally decided to have 20mg of clotiazepam and 150mg of pregabalin and pray that this fucking cocktail will allow me to sleep through the night.

this day has been absolutely fucking crazy. i will never forget it.

[thefrontofmymind]

That's Where You Loved Me II (Joseph Quinn x gn!Reader)

a/n: so i did write a part 2, and i'm going to write a part 3 now as well. as always, any feedback it greatly appreciated! kisses!

SYNOPSIS: Reader and Joe decide to meet for a drink, after all, they're both not clearly still in love with each other, right?

WARNINGS: alcohol consumption, some yelling and arguing but nothing violent!

In just over a month, you’d managed to regain a somewhat well adjusted life after the rollercoaster that was your breakup with Joe. After moving out and staying with a friend for a while, you’d carried on and found yourself a new place. And it was better, closer to your work, in a bit of a nicer area, and you finally felt like you had some independence by yourself–you were stronger for it.

That’s not to say you didn’t still think of Joe from time to time–it was frankly impossible not to. He was the next biggest thing in pop culture and it seemed he appeared every way you turned, you could barely have a conversation with a coworker without them bringing up the fact that they’d binge watched the new season of Stranger Things over the weekend and ‘that new guy, Eddie, he’s really good, I almost cried when he died!’, and you’d abandoned wasting time scrolling through social media altogether–it just wasn’t as fun with every second video talking about ‘the English newcomer on the scene’ and speculation about his personal life. 

It was a precarious position you were in–it felt like a secret, that you were still hung up on a guy who apparently half the world deemed the new hottest thing. Occasionally you felt sorry for yourself, after a few glasses of wine you often thought about sending him a text saying you missed him, you should go for a coffee some time–even when it seemed like a bad idea, there was nothing your heart wanted more than to lay your eyes on him again, just to see if was the same between you. Though who didn’t think that when they were still in love with their ex-boyfriend?

It was late on Friday night–you weren’t exactly sure of the time as you were tucked up in bed about to go to sleep, still thinking of your new life in your new apartment and how much you’d changed in such a short time.

You weren’t sure if it was arrogance or cockiness, but somehow, without processing it, you’d typed a message to send to Joe, who’s contact was still in your phone–a mistake, you knew.

‘Hi Joe! Not sure if you still have my number saved or not but I finally finished your new show and was wondering if you wanted to catch up and get a drink? There’s that place in Soho we went to for your birthday that you loved that had those really strong martinis? x’

You kicked yourself as your brain went on autopilot and sent the message–what kind of person does that? Send a text like that to their ex after only two months of being broken up? And the kiss at the end? Stupid! You hurriedly closed your phone and placed it on your bedside table, mortified, when it chimed back at you twice.

‘I’ll call you in the morning’

‘x’

You barely slept a wink that night, how could you? You felt a little silly waiting like a sitting duck for Joseph’s call. You’d even checked your mobile plan to make sure he could call, and nothing would go wrong on your end. 

In all honesty, you didn’t have high hopes when it came to what Joe was going to say to you, but something about the excitement, the anticipation, the suspense of what could be.

There was a pang in your chest as you thought about the last time you were in this position, not too long ago. When you and Joe first met, he was only just beginning to make a name for himself–he’d been in a few projects and was a standout in almost every single one, but he wanted more. It inspired you to see him so passionate about his job, and it was exciting being able to attend all these fancy parties as his plus one–where you’d end up making a fool of yourself in front of some hotshot producer but it didn’t matter because Joe would just laugh when you’d tell him before pulling you into the nearest closet for some privacy.

The sound of your phone ringing jolted you back into reality. With palms sweaty and breathing uneven, you answered the phone after a couple rings.

“Hello?” You could hear wind blowing the microphone on the other end of the line–Joe was probably outside for his morning smoke, you thought. “You there?”

“Yep,” was all he said at first. “How are you going?”

You let out a sigh before you spoke–it all felt somewhat trivial, small talk and all. “I’m doing okay, sad about Eddie.”

Joe chuckled under his breath. “Yeah, ‘m a bit sad about that one too…”

You didn’t know what it was about Joe, but somehow the silence between the two of you never felt gauche–the pair of you would settle in the quiet like it was your natural state, and you could sit for hours together not saying a word but being right on the same page.

“Are you free tonight?” Joe said after a second of contemplation. “We could go to Duke’s, like you said. Have a chat?”

You tried to fight the smile on your face. You knew it wasn’t wise to see Joe–it hurt when you broke up. It felt like your world had been torn to shreds, your comfort was gone, you couldn’t function thinking Joe hated you.

“I just don’t understand what you mean!” Joe yelled, following you as you packed up your things in a rush. “When did I say I don’t want to spend any time with you?!”

You were emotional, and probably not thinking straight, but watching Joe stumble into your apartment well past midnight once again, still tipsy from whatever get-together a costar of his had held that night, pushed you over the edge. “You didn’t! But for an actor you’re not good at hiding your feelings! When was the last time we went out somewhere together? Christmas? Six months ago?” You rambled, putting a final handful of clothes in the overnight bag you were dragging around. 

“Is that really what this is about? I’m ‘neglecting’ you? Well unfortunately some of us are trying to work hard in a career that isn’t very welcoming, so I’m sorry if I seem to be putting in some hard work I can be proud of!” Joe’s voice was dripping with sarcasm, and he slurred a little, still.

“I’m staying with a girl from work for a couple days, until you decide to grow up and take this relationship seriously.” And with that you walked out of the apartment, slamming the front door louder than you probably should have at that time of night.

Soon enough, neither of you felt the urge to call and apologise, a few days away turned into weeks, and before you knew it, you were telling your distant relatives that ‘no, you weren’t seeing anyone’ when they asked at family parties. It happened without you even realising it.

“Meet me at eight out the front, and wear that blue blazer you wore to the Catherine the Great premiere, remember?” you said. You always thought he looked good in blue.

“Yes, drill sergeant!” he joked, before you both said goodbye and hung up on the quick conversation.

You didn’t want to jinx anything, but it felt good to call Joe again, and you’d most certainly hoped the feeling would persist as you saw him standing out the front of the upscale bar, scrolling on his phone with a half-smoked cigarette in his hand–he wore the blazer.

He looked better than the last time you’d seen him, whatever he was doing was agreeing with him, whether it be the travel or the success. His face looked a little rounder than the month prior, and his hair was starting to grow a touch longer than you knew he liked it, though you always preferred when he let his curls start to get unruly, and his favourite pair of sunglasses were perched atop his head–why? You weren’t sure since he was squinting, trying to fight the bright rays from the sunset.

“How are you?” he said, slipping his phone into his pants pocket and pulling you in for a brief hug, where you couldn’t help but inhale the scent of the aftershave you’d bought him for Christmas the year before. And if your eyes didn’t deceive you, he took his time looking you up and down with a glazed-over look you’d seen before, a look mostly reserved for when the pair of you would go out somewhere and the night would quickly become a race to see who could get the other riled up first–you missed his playfulness, as well as his hand on the small of your back as he led you into the establishment and onto a stool at the bar.

You both ordered, going over pleasantries–him asking how your work was going, you asking if his family was well. It wasn’t until your drinks arrived that you’d finally moved onto his work. 

“It was truly amazing, Joe, seriously.” You tried your hardest to look into Joe’s eyes as you were being sincere, though he was making it difficult by looking only to the ground to hide the blush growing up his neck. “Even better than what you told me about it! Eddie is a cultural icon now!”

“You’re too kind, love,” he said, taking a sip and swallowing before continuing. “Was that all you wanted to really talk about? My work?”

It was now time for the inevitable, you thought. Admittedly, you still weren’t one hundred percent sure why you did text Joe to begin with–perhaps a wicked cocktail of self pity, loneliness, and introverted behaviour wanted you to reconnect with seemingly one of the only people in your life who truly understood you, at least for a while.

All your memories together were constantly swirling in your head, the good and bad, and maybe you thought seeing him in a low-pressure environment would remedy that. Because the more and more you mulled it over, you just wanted Joe back in your life, you were tired of missing his voice and his smile, not to mention his cooking.

You hesitated on answering for a moment. “Partially.” You declared. “Wanted to see you as well…missed talking to you.”

It pervaded you as to what omnipresent force made you immediately spill your guts to Joe, but that was the way it always went–you couldn’t think of one gift you’d given him that he didn’t manage to get you to spoil for him during the week leading up to whatever occasion called for it, and any and every piece of gossip you knew–regardless of whether he knew the subject or not–was common knowledge shared between the two of you. It periodically made you feel contemptible, though you figured since Joe was part of you in a sense, it didn’t matter anyway.

You knew you should’ve been wary, you felt so desperate and clingy–part of the reason you broke up was those very qualities, why did you have to bring it all back up again? You cursed yourself in your head.

“It’s been weird not seeing you,” Joe admitted. “Feel like I’ve got FOMO or something…”

He could always find a way to make you chuckle. Soon enough, the conversation began flowing smoothly–almost like you were old friends catching up, which in a way, you supposed you were. Sooner or later, you’d both finished your martinis and were begging the bartender in the nicely pressed, white jacket to make you another round, which he refused, stating bar policy was only one martini per patron because they were so strong.

You were sceptical on the apparent five shots of alcohol in the drink–it had barely gone to your head, at least until you remembered the bottle of vodka sitting in your freezer.

“D’you wanna just go back to mine? ‘ve got all that bartending stuff, still so we can just make our own drinks?” you were quite certain your voice was even and steady, and that it was just Joe who was beginning to sway in his seat, though something told you in the back of your mind as you subconsciously placed a hand on his, the buzz was just starting to reach you.

Joe intertwined his fingers with yours and jumped up from his seat. “To yours it is.”

[kunikinnie]

a/n: life has been a whirlwind so just quickly channeling some feelings here HAHA also in hopes that I can pick up writing again taglist: @irethepotato, @kisara-16reblogs, @thatdazaikin, @dazaee

warnings: angst, not proofread notes: first person Dazai POV, "reader" is female

There was no reason for me to wander into that district. There was no one to meet, no place to visit - it must have been the force of a bad habit that refuses to die.

Or it was just the alcohol. Yes, it must have been the alcohol that chose all these wrong decisions tonight. I shouldn’t have refused Kunikida-kun’s offer for drinks if only I knew I’d end up drinking by myself - and nothing good happens when I drink by myself.

Ghosts of the past begin to take form once more, a heavy, deplorable weight upon these scarred shoulders that could break at any moment. Try as I might, I can't ignore them, let alone exorcise them. As time goes by their presence only becomes stronger.

My mind was hazy and my vision was blurry, but a glimpse of the faintest semblance of that woman triggered a full-body paralysis.

At that moment I was certain it was her.

All of a sudden, my blood rushed forcefully through constricted vessels and I began to walk toward her. There was a man she was adhered to by the arm. If I had been just a little bit more intoxicated I might have assumed they were one creature squirming about under the neon lights.

With a half-drunken strut and a sneer I approached them.

“Who’s this new victim you’ve got here? You’ll toss him aside once you get bored with him, won’t you? What a pathetic whore.”

That’s what I wanted to say. But the moment they disappeared into the dark corridor of the establishment, so did my impulsive urge.

I could have done it. Maybe I should’ve. But there’s still a part of me that’s always true to the one and only promise of a love that was cursed from the beginning. What a slave, what an idiot.

At least I know better than to dabble into any of that nonsense again. Fooling around here and there with no strings attached doesn’t count, of course, and by now I’ve accepted that it’ll stay that way until I fizzle away into nothing.

Could I do better? Of course. I could let a woman waltz as gaily as she wishes into this cold, barren heart, and tango away from it just as freely. But I’m not that kind; not to others, and especially not to myself.

Every woman is tainted with a semblance of her: it doesn’t matter how minute it might be. The brand of her shoes, the way she crosses her legs, and even the fluttering of the eyes – it’s all linked to that cruel woman.

The whirlwind of images and emotions overwhelmed my half-functioning brain until it was finally swept up by its current and drowning night lights.

--

“Sir? Excuse me, but, uh…”

Some strange soul was nudging at me.

“You’ve been out for a bit so I came to check on you.”

I opened my eyes to a brighter sky, realizing that I must have passed out on a nearby bench. The angel, it seemed, was a graveyard-shift convenience store worker.

“It might be too late for you to go home and then to work, so you can have this for breakfast.” She handed me a small plastic bento with six pieces of cheap sushi and two egg rolls in it. “Actually it’s about to expire, but it’s still good I had some earlier…”

She was fidgeting and rambling about, cheeks turning pink and all. Why was she so nervous talking to a hangover goof? How naïve of her to approach in the first place.

“A-anyway I’ll be going now.”

I had yet to thank her when she dashed off and went back to her workplace. It was a strange encounter to say the least, and my foggy brain was struggling to piece its thoughts together.

I glanced once at the cold bento and then at the store she fled to. Hmm. Perhaps I should pay a visit soon.

[swanimagines]

Hi, I loved ur other Kaz imagine & could I request a enemies to lovers or a lovers to enemies (E24 or E22) with Kaz Brekker?

Fandom: Shadow and Bone

A/N: Sorry for the huuuuge delay. Thank you!!! And enemies to lovers of course 💞 Because I would prefer hurt/comfort and fluff rn even though angst starts to be bearable now (not with Kaz though, with Kaz all full angst requests will either be turned down or put to the side to wait for a better time, if there will be one). This is kinda similar to my "Kaz dating another mastermind" headcanons but think of this as a story version of it with some changes I guess?

Warnings: mentions of violence + angst (hurt/comfort)

Word count: 734

You had hated Kaz Brekker. As rivals from different gang leaders, you were bound to be enemies. Or not enemies on personal level, it was more like always racing each other and do better, and sometimes winning the race against each other made you cheer or yell out loud from frustration. But you didn't hate him as a person, not really. You didn't even know the man behind the name.

You were as smart as him, which infuriated him as you were quicker or better in your plans more than once. Once, he could have been able to stomach. But five times were too much.

So when he had discovered you on an alleyway, badly hurt and Stadwatch nearing you, he kind of wanted to leave you there. But others stopped him, saying that even the Bastard of the Barrel can't leave someone like that, and reminded him that you had never sabotaged his plans or anything, you only had bested him. So Kaz, very reluctantly, told Jesper and Matthias to take you with them to be treated at the Slat.

Nina nursed you back into your health, and Kaz had talked with you a few times over a drink. And then he began to purposely wait for you to come down for a drink.

Y/N isn't so bad, he found himself thinking as he watched you sipping your water. And when you had been well enough, you had returned to your own gang - and that left Kaz feeling strangely alone. It was a feeling he hadn't felt since the first months after Jordie's death - the first months before he had grown a thick shell and built those walls around himself and shut everyone out.

He couldn't lie to himself, he felt glad when you arrived to the club, this time with two of your most trusted gang members, offering an alliance - the kind where your gang would mend together with the Dregs. You wanted to thank Kaz for saving your life, and for that, you were willing to become part of his gang. He hid the emotion when he heard your offer, just like he hid most of his emotions. He listened to you and your terms for an alliance and basically become one gang, acting to be considering it, even when he had decided it the moment you had told him that you wanted to offer alliance. You would not only be stronger and better together, but Kaz had felt this bond to you.

He agreed right after you had finished, and so your gang became part of the Dregs, and you became a Crow shortly after. Kaz was still the only leader on paper, but everyone knew that you were the co-leader. Your word weighed just as much as Kaz's did. He had to admit, you made a good team.

Now your brilliant brains worked together, even though you didn't completely think alike, but that was a good thing, you saw escape routes where he didn't, and he saw an entrance where you hadn't noticed it. That was new for the both of you. It annoyed you at first, but soon changed into a sort of feeling pride.

Now your heists worked even better that they had worked before your alliance. And as months went on, Kaz realized what his bond was. It wasn't just a bond, Inej and Nina noticed it first and Nina teased Kaz for his heartbeat whenever you stepped into the room.

Love, he realized. Do I love them?

Bastard of the Barrel in love. No one thought that could be possible, but the moment the rest of the Crows realized it, they began to drive you two together. Subtly and not-so-subtly (with latter, look at Jesper and Nina).

It worked eventually, even though you both were annoyed about it first. You didn't think that Kaz could like you back, he had too high walls and traumatic past to love anyone like you loved him, and he didn't want to embarrass himself in front of you, or worse, appear weak when you'd turn him down.

But somehow you got together, and it didn't take long before you moved into Kaz's room at the attic. It had been a long way, and something you hadn't thought to be possible, but both of you agreed that it had been the best thing that had ever happened to you.

[reidscanehand]

“if i loved you less, i might be able to talk about it more” for spencer please?

i’m not sure if this counts as a dialogue prompt bc it’s a book quote so feel free to ignore it !! but i know you love austen so thought it’d be cute (if it’s too much pressure bc you love the books, no worries !!)

x

Spencer Reid never thought he'd have something like this. The years of loneliness piled onto his pre-existent trauma made him feel as though there was never enough good about him to make up for the bad.

But then he'd met you. Beautiful, wonderful, and oh-so-very-kind you. Falling in love with you had been stupidly simple. Cliche, even. From the moment he'd met you, your kindness had enveloped him in an almost caress-like warmth, filling in the cracks in his heart and soul from the inside out.

You'd nodded sweetly in understanding when he'd admitted he didn't want to shake your hand the day you'd joined the team. You'd asked him to explain geographical profiling to the most minute of details when you'd realized he needed a breather from the complexity of your first case. You'd played chess with him on the jet, smiling as he explained the game and losing to him every single time with the biggest grin on your face. You'd noticed his insecurity, of course, it was difficult not to notice, but you were one of the first new people in Spencer's life to do something about it. There was an awkward tilt of your head in his periphery as he made a self-deprecating comment, someone taking him up on his offers of oddball festivals and niche film festivals. Someone who took the time to call him and check on him after cases. Someone who made sure he was eating and drinking water in between sugary sweet coffees.

Someone for whom his feelings only grew stronger and yet more tender as they progressed. And someone who - thankfully - felt the same way about him. Then it wasn't a cliche anymore - it was a joyous reality.

And now it's just the two of you. The two of you living together in his apartment. The two of you sprawled out on his sofa. His head is in your lap and you're gently combing through his hair with your fingers, reading a book out loud. He'd been doing the same for you until about an hour ago, but then you'd insisted on switching when he'd yawned. You encouraged him to sleep, and when he'd pouted playfully about missing out on the chapter (even though he definitely already knows the entire book from memory), you'd rolled your eyes, but sweetly agreed to "catch him up" at another time.

Happier than he's ever been, he's sure, he's almost lulled to sleep - almost - when he hears you reach his favorite part:

“'My dearest Emma,' said he, 'for dearest you will always be, whatever the event of this hour’s conversation, my dearest, most beloved Emma⁠—tell me at once. Say ‘No,’ if it is to be said.'—She could really say nothing.⁠—'You are silent,' he cried, with great animation; 'absolutely silent! at present I ask no more,'" you read in your quiet, soothing timbre. "Emma was almost ready to sink under the agitation of this moment. The dread of being awakened from the happiest dream, was perhaps the most prominent feeling.

'I cannot make speeches, Emma,' he soon resumed; and in a tone of such sincere, decided, intelligible tenderness as was tolerably convincing-"

“If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more," Spencer whispers with you. You stop abruptly, smiling down at him with such adoration that he's sure his heart, his brain stops for just a moment, just to let him live in the moment a little longer. You lean down, pressing a quick kiss to his lips, cupping his jaw and running your thumb over his nose and cheekbones.

You clear your throat a bit, sitting back up and pulling the book back into your eye line, "And so we go on."

So we do, Spencer thinks as he begins to fall asleep, forevermore.

~~~

Thank you for the request - I hope you like it! xx

[i-need-air]

Hybrid!AU Wolf!Bakugou Katsuki HCs Part 2.

Summary: Part 2 is here! While in part 1 it was mostly adoption and how he'd behave with you as a roommate, part two is him ✨ realizing things ✨ followed by how he'd be in a romantic relationship.

Word Count: 2k words [ oops, I did it again ]

Notes: So I said it'll be out in a few days but three [3] people asked me for part 2 and I'm a sucker soooooooo!! I could've just written a long ass fic but whatever, I thought I'd make it shorter in headcanons... hah lol right. Enjoy!

Part 1 here!

× he's a wild wolf so he's very active; like you need to understand he needs to go outside if not he'd get impatient, more aggressive, snappy, so once you took him on an easy hiking trail near your house and he loved it so once or twice a month you both go together to different places [ he demands it ]

× it's hard to keep up with him bc he's literally genetically engineered to be better than any very fit human being but he slows down for you

× morning runs at 5 a.m. bc he's insane

× is also a grandpa

× watched all documentaries on any streaming platform you could provide to him, also loves reading

× as months pass and you start to have your routine in order, word comes to you that an acquaintance is looking for a security guard at his mechanical shop two streets away from your house

× you casually mentioned it to Bakugou because he was starting to act anxious whenever you'd leave the house, so you assumed he was extra bored

× seriously, the house was spotlessly cleaned, he cooked amazingly and was occupied with your old laptop and going around the city to explore, but you guessed he wanted more independence?

× little did you know you were right but so wrong lol

× so Bakugou stared at you intensely and asked "Where?"

× it was as easy as telling him the location, him nodding and you thought he'd consider it; you didn't put any pressure on him because he already did so much to help around anyway

× well guess what bitch, next day he comes up to you saying you gotta co-sign his contract [cuz fuck society] meaning he got the job

× he was perfect for it because tall, intimidating, muscular wolf guy? who'd even mess with him? do they have a death wish?

× well, even before this he started to be... soft

× but once you really did show him you support whatever he wants to do, you give him his freedom and liberty of choice, he just reaaally changes, man

× he gets touchy, like his hands stay one second longer on your skin, he uses any excuse to have them on you, even his eyes follow you everywhere

× like c'mon, it's obvious but you didn't wanna put too much thought into it because we're respectful here

× not like you had a big fat crush on him and slowly started to realize it too

× sike bitch he knows

× you think his super-hearing didn't catch the way your heartbeat spikes up every single time he touches you? *please*

× i think he knows before you know

× meanwhile he is working to discover his feelings too

× so your relationship slowly turns into a couple's like relationship but without anything official and of course no kissing or such [ sadly ]

× would get jealous easily

× basically because nothing is talked between you two and deep down is insecure

× why the hell do you smell like other people? was it just a hug or something else? hell, why would you even hug people when he's right there??? just ask and don't touch some extras????

× another thing he does is getting very close to you while you talk to somebody else; scoffs and glares at them too

× ok so!! gifts! he really appreciates any gift you give him but scolds you if you do because you genuinely don't need to do that

× of course he just scolds you and calls you an idiot so I do hope you already learned his language

× it basically means that you shouldn't have done it, he's really grateful but seriously you shouldn't have

× like that one time you saved up money to get him a good computer and he forgot how to speak for like an hour

× the softest thank you ever afterwards

× still sounded rough but he was shocked as fuck

× one thing that remained in your brain were his friends, as sometimes he'd mention them

× so you took it upon yourself to find them, of course with his permission

× gets genuinely overwhelmed and plays it off saying he wouldn't mind knowing where those idiots ended but you didn't miss the way his voice trembled

× for you to find them you needed names and any information he could provide so that's when he, after a long silence and a mesmerized look on his face, started really talking about his life

× which was fucked; won't get much into detail but he was indeed in a fighting ring, people came and bet on whoever was stronger, he even had to fight his friends, everything was filled with abuse and their conditions were subhuman...

× just overall awful

× you couldn't help but hug him tight, feeling him shake in your arms

× with a hesitant voice he asked if you really did think there was a chance to find them

× just couldn't believe how amazing he felt in your arms

× or how your determination that night made his heart clench and took a big weight off his shoulders

× anywho;;;; after his first paycheck he takes you out on cute dates

× never calls them that, just demands you dress up [helps you out cuz boy got style] and takes you to a nice coffee shop or something

× AND on your fifth not date cuz you're not official but there's this weird tension between you date he finally kinda s n a p s

× you honestly didn't expect the waiter to flirt with you, he came out as very pushy and even if you were a lil uncomfortable you smiled and brushed it off

× when the waiter suggested giving you his number the sandy blond hybrid growled

× which i shit you not made the whole coffee shop freeze

× and you froze too

× but neither of you could say anything because the oblivious fuck kept talking

× basically joking about how you should keep your pet in a leash, to which you got up, threw some money on the table, grabbed Bakugou by the hand and leave before he'd rip someone's head off

× it only took you to touch Bakugou's arm to calm him down as he followed behind you wordlessly

× so you stood outside, angry, deep red eyes on your figure

× and silence

× his hand still in yours

× it was warm and amazing and you felt angry but your heart was beating loudly; angry at the waiter that you wanted to go full Karen on and get fired but excited because that growl shook you to the core, as if you could tell it was territorial and it was because of that pig flirting with you and did Bakugou Katsuki just lace his fingers with you?!

× "Oi." he interrupted your thoughts

× he turned your frame towards him and pulled you [kinda harshly] into him

× you'd make a comment about it but brain empty, just Bakugou Katsuki blushing

× "You're mine, you get it?"

× skdjflglykshs

× it sounded like he asked but it was a demand so oops you're his now ok bye

× like I said, boy isn't dumb so he lowkey knew you felt something too

× legit from there on he's just soft as fuck

× has a hard time opening up but visibly tries for you

× still continues to be a pain in the ass, Bakugou Style, but with a loving teasing attitude behind it

× his eyes give him away all the time

× they shine whenever you're in his field of view so congrats because, and this is the best part:

× WOLVES MATE FOREVER 💕💓💞💗💝💟

× oh yeah, he's yours, no takebacks

× he isn't one to half-ass the relationship; you're his now and he'll do anything for you

× big time touch starved it hurts

× because he is shy

× so whenever you introduce him to hand holding and cuddles, he can't get enough

× not big on PDA [ and not recommended since human-hybrid relationships are kiiiinda frowned upon but it's getting better ]

× although at home it's another deal

× seriously cuddle him; he's big into the protector vibe so he's a big spoon almost exclusively unless it's to sleep on top of you

× speaking of! accept that even if your relationship isn't that intimate, he'd still hint about sleeping together in the same bed

× so you better catch on when he does because he'll just click his tongue and call you needy

× while dragging you to bed

× sleeps holding you, his nose in your hair or in the crook of your neck

× unless it's summer then stay on your side 💅

× you know those kisses that just scream "I can't get enough of you"? that's his whole kissing vibe in a sentence

× hell, even the gentlest kiss gives that vibe away and it'll 100% leave you breathless

× doesn't have experience but is a very fast learner

× pays very close attention to your body language

× really into biting your skin enough to leave marks

× wear his hoodies

× no, I'm fucking serious, wear them now

× his chest puffs and he turns into a blushing mess when you do it the first times because his scent is on you

× scenting is a big thing for him so of course he's gonna love it

× 10x more territorial because now he has a mate to protect

× jealous but trusts you

× still very jealous though

× let's all pretend he is definitely not scenting you before you go out because it's in his nature and it is embarrassing

× the first time he tells you he loves you it's when he's feeling vulnerable

× the search for his friends is still on-going, he feels less than adequate as a providing mate, is pissed at the world for treating him like an inferior animal when they created him, everything is piled on his shoulders and whenever than happens he closes off

× you notice immediately

× will not tell you at first

× it's only when you go to bed and he turns his back to you when you really know it's bad

× even if you fought before, he'd angrily snuggle you at night-time

× now it's so different

× hug him, whisper sweet nothings in his ear, pull a blanket all over you both and big spoon him, he'd start shaking and talking in no time

× will hide his tears from you but you'd know

× "You're the best fucking thing that happened to me, [Y/N]... I—... Shit... I love you so much."

× neither of you slept that night

× excuse you? drink some water and pray to jesus;;; you talked about feelings, ok? communication is key in a relationship, puh-lease

× [ i have this whole nsfw hcs post already cookin in my brain so maybe I'll make it happen cuz y'all know he has a mating season and all that comes with it 👀 ]

× back to being children of jesus here

× thanks the moon, the heavens and all the gods for putting you in his life; boy didn't believe in destiny but deep down he thinks you were meant to be

× you still better wash the dishes or you'll get your ass kicked.

Extra:

× you did find some of his friends, little by little, and even if he acted nonchalant, like k das cool, it was obvious he was extremely happy

× so they did get adopted too

× you got in contact with them on social media and they were all very excited about meeting

× so it was a chaotic meeting with a dog hybrid called Kirishima and a mouse like vibrat yellow guy called Kaminari

× they all were looking for Bakugou too since they were very worried about where he ended

× Kirishima shed manly tears when seeing Bakugou

× as they instantly welcomed you in their small group, they informed you both that the majority of the squad was adopted and they're in contact, while they're still actively looking for the others

× cue to the softest expression you've seen on Bakugou in public followed by "That's good"

× silence

× shock and silence

× Kaminari turning to you and whispering "You did this" with a hand on his heart, lips trembling as he wiped an imaginary tear

× insert instantly snappy Bakugou

× when everyone laughed and continued to make plans to meet up with the others, he just looked at you conversing with them, soft expression again on his features and his chest warming

× "Oh! Look, he's doing it again! Quick, take a pictur—"

× "SHINE!"

[witchlyboo]

Definitely, maybe.

Part five: The one who belongs to someone else.

Introduction. Part one. Part two. Part three. Part four.

Paring: Latina!reader x Logan Lerman x Tom Holland x Ben Hardy x Timothee Chalamet x Pedro Pascal x Michael B. Jordan

Warnings: Swearing, angst, misspellings, some Spanish, me learning how to write properly, and NY stuff that I've learned from movies that we all agree to pretend are real.

Word count: 6.4 k

a/n: You been asking for smut, I know, I know, I just wanted to introduce you to all the boys first, and we're getting there, just one more ahead. Also, I'm working on a masterlist because we are getting too many parts already.

All body types and skin tones friendly. You can also enjoy it as a no Hispanic reader. Constructive feedback and misspellings correction is always welcome.

Red and blue lights flash the driving mirror.

—No, no, no, por favor que no sea a mi—You beg to the sky looking at the patrol that is asking you to park, or someone else, there's a lot of cars in this part of the city, there's a big chance is the panic who's controlling your senses.—Dios, mi abuela fue a la iglesia cada domingo de su vida y nunca te pidió nada, please let me have some of her divina recompensa.—But that's not how it works, you end up parking with just a few seconds to think what to say. There's a perfect explication of why you are driving a car that is not yours in the middle of the night and smelling like a minibar.

Then this ridiculous thought comes to your mind, you look expensive, you've never seen the daughter of a senator but you must be close to it, it would make you less of a feminist if you just use your attributes? Ugh, you feel sick just to think about it but don't have enough money to pay a fine, and the constant paranoia of being chased all the time as an immigrant will only get stronger.

You pull down your dress a little so your neckline can do its job but you regret it immediately, and you're pretty sure you look more like an expensive prostitute who stole the car of his lover than some influential men's daughter.

—License and registration.—You hear him say when he approaches your window. You don't like this but you have to play the dumb tourist, the pretty foreign girl that is too stupid to be dangerous, with the look you have tonight it shouldn't be hard. But damn you hate cops, any uniformed man that works for the government is your eternal enemy, and you don't know how long you could keep the nice dumb Latina game before spit on his face.

—There's something wrong, officer? ...You?!—Your sexy and fake high voice is ruined when you see the face of the man who stopped you. This night couldn't get worse.

—Wait, what happened with the party?—Evan interrupts you while you finish some notes for work, little remainders for later when you don't have an eleven years old kid running around you, he's not usually this energic and you have to blame yourself for that, you're describing a life of excess and eccentric fun, something you let behind so many years ago that your own son doesn't know even a bit of it.

—Ugh, a nightmare doesn't worth telling.—You remember vaguely most of it but what keeps fresh in your mind is bad enough to don't want to bring it back.

—But if Timothée is my dad I have to know the important things, including the bad stuff.—Sounds perfectly reasonable and that's what makes you groan at him. Sometimes you feel blessed that your kid is better than you in any possible way, and sometimes you want to kill his brain with video games and reality shows like the rest of the parents.

—Ok, cool, but I'll keep all the +18 content for myself, so this part of the story might be blurry for you.—It kinda is for you anyway.

You should’ve known this night was cursed, you had a feeling because a) your earring fell off at the same time Timothée texted you to give you the party address and say he can't pick you up. And b) he won’t pick you up. Your mother would say that’s reason enough to not go, a real gentleman wouldn’t make you go to an unknown place in the middle of the night on your own in a city like this. But you decide to ignore it because you are a modern woman and because it’s worth it. It better be.

The outfit must be something special. You always take your time to choose what to wear, even if just another regular day, and since this isn't the case you thought about it for hours, that made your mind busy enough to not thinking about Tom and the whole love confession. He texted you saying he'll come for you to go to class together on Monday, which is completely impractical because he's way closer than you but is progress and you're going to take it.

You wanted to ask for Sheep's opinion but you thought she might not care, has been a few days since she started acting strange like she's bothered just to see you breathe. You want to blame his boyfriend to take all her time and attention from you but is probably just her new job, she got a small role in a Netflix show, and even when you're so happy for her, that's the event that has changed her into someone completely different. But you give her time, stress can do bad things to people.

The winner is the exact copy you made of the black and white striped dress Cameron Diaz wore in "The Mask" beautiful, classy, and sexy enough without being too scandalous, not that you have any problem with that, but this isn't the occasion, you don't want to feel like you're being too much or too little, just enough, it's supposed to be easy, right? you were born for this. Just adding some big shiny earrings you got on a thrift shop that look like real diamonds and you're ready, not that you own any to compare. Red lipstick, dark eyes, and a messy bun to get that disinterested pitch every look needs.

Getting there wasn't a problem, you were in the rich part of the city, everyone know who, where and what just to brag about it. The excitement is growing with every second, you check your makeup like thirty times in the elevator and send texts to your mom just to let her know where you are, and because you have to share that moment with someone and you are limited of friends these days.

Timothée opens the door with red eyes, drunk, high, or somewhere in between, you know then you were right about the bad feeling. He jumps on you to kiss you and no matter how much you try to explain the delicacy of your lipstick, he does it anyway, leaving a taste of alcohol and shrimps in your mouth. Taking you by the waist he walks you to a group of people you don't know while you're trying harder to fix the red color of your mouth without a mirror.

—Here is the companion I bought, look at her, that's how five grand per hour look like.—They laughed but you were too disoriented to process all the things he said, it was supposed to be a joke? if it is, why isn't he correcting? Instead, his hand goes straight to your ass and presses it to get you closer to him.

—I'm actually an intern in the costume designer department of the new version of "Sense and Sensibility".—You wanted to mention your recent promotion to hairstylist and makeup artist but that might be too pretentious. Anyway, they don't seem to care what you are or not, in fact, they don't even see you, all eyes are on Timothée

—Oh, well, is easy to forget when you're paying them—All laughs again. Who is this person? Who are all these people, actually? You recognize some influencers, a few cast members but there's no sign of the director, other main actors, not even his co-star. You feel like an extra in a movie where someone will be killed in a luxury party, hopefully not you. You take his hand from your body and clear your throat.—I'm just joking my love, she looks stunning, isn't she? I’ll get you a drink.

He leaves and the group of people surrounding you suddenly dissipated like boiling water, you were on your own again and despite some judgmental gazes is like you’re not there, you’re sure you could just take your dress off and throw it to someone’s face and unless Tim says something about it, no one would care. You’re there as his companion, an ornament, and that’s not enough to earn their attention because it’s too obvious you’re the one in turn.

You walk to the only window no one is smoking and check your phone, you know, the thing you do when you pretend you have important issues to attend, but no, you end reading some old messages, pictures, texting your mom of how much fun you’re having at the party, and somehow you check your filed Facebook messages to find Logan’s name. You cover the screen so fast you hurt your nail, his name is enough to make you tremble like a Chihuahua, you haven’t talked to him since that night, you know from his sister he lives in the house he bought for you two and he’s having the happiest life without you. You want to believe that because that means you took the right decision but deep inside… no, you can’t be that person, you want him to be happier than ever.

You find the guts to open the message, and you read as slowly as is humanly possible. “My angel, I hope this finds you in perfect health…” Dios, just Logan could start a message like that, your smile is almost too big to fit in your face so you bit your nail to cover it a little. “I recently found one of the human body drawings you made for me to study, you’ll be happy to know…”

—That’s a fucking long-ass message.—Tim appears behind you and takes your phone from your hand, spilling some of his drink on your dress in the process. Apparently, he's been there long enough to read part of the message.

—Give it back.—You command in the most severe voice you have, your magical moment got ruined and you remember the hole of hell you are.

—"My angel, I hope this finds you in perfect health. I recently found one of the human body drawings you made for me to study, you must know I still use them now and then"—Timothée starts reading the message, and even when no one is close enough to hear it and you don’t really care about this people’s opinion, that’s not for anyone to read, that’s one of the few parts of your life you treasure the most and you’re not ready to get over it.—You little slut, are you cheating on me with a med student?

—Give it to me.—You repeat trying to take the phone from his hand but he’s faster and walks away putting it out of your reach.

—"I meticulously preserve them, I certainly know any piece of art made by you will be priceless in the near future"—You don’t want to hear it coming from his drunk mocking voice, so you try to ignore what he’s saying and put more effort on chasing the phone.—Should I had kept the jeans where you left the wet spot on? I didn’t know you were an artist, my love.

—Timothée, por el amor de Dios.—Now you're trying to climb him, it wouldn't be that hard to take him down, he's skinny and you're fierce. That's what you thought but he's not moving even with you are on top of his shoulder and his opposite long arm keeps the phone away from you.

—Who is this guy and why is he talking to my girl like this?—You see the olive eyes getting darker and the tone of his voice went deeper than you thought he could do. You desist from taking the phone, you know the bullies love the attention, maybe that's exactly what he wants and give it to him just makes it worse.

—I'm not your girl.—You claim fixing up your dress having enough of games, and you have no reason to keep worrying about losing your job, the filming is done, and apparently your relationship with him too. You don't care about any of that anymore, just want to read Logan's text.

Even behind all the alcohol and the eyes injected in blood thanks for who knows what kind of drug, you can see the disappointment and anger, but it's not a broken heart, Is the hissy fit of a child that loses his balloon and now everyone will pay for it, especially you.

—Are you sure about that?—You can see him swallow hard, almost looking vulnerable, but his voice is defiant and threatening to prove you wrong. He just has to stretch out his arm to reach the open window with your phone in hand, his intentions are clear and the only thing you can do is raise your hands as a reflex.—You were mine the moment you put a foot on my trailer, and I don't fucking share my stuff.—Before you can say a word he drops the phone from the fourth floor.

You know is senseless but you find yourself running out of the party and going to search the device, using it also as an excuse to get away from that place. This is the first time someone makes you feel meaningless, you know the famous' world is cold and lacking in empathy but this is ridiculous, they're a bunch of parasites fed by attention and power. By Timothée.

The screen is crashed and the rest of it is probably beyond repair, not that you're surprised, its life is longer than you've been in the country and you admit you should have replaced it much earlier but you're not the kind to throw away things that still work. However, is not the phone you are worried about, not as much as what it contains.

—That was obsolete anyway, I'll get you a better one.—You didn't know he was following you, his voice interrupts your self-wailing. He sounds calmer and a little embarrassed, but not enough to say sorry, you don't think he's capable of saying it.

You shake your head and start to walk away without a word, you don't want anything from him, not materially, at least.

—Don't make a scandal out of it, it's just a phone!—He yells erasing any trace of regret in his voice. He doesn't see the reaction he expected and that's when he runs after you and with a hand on your upper arm pulls you back, you gasped for the sudden bluntness.—That annoying habit you have of leaving when I'm talking to you.

You push him away with all the strength you have, which resulted in him almost falling on the ground.

—I don't care about the stupid phone!—You finally break, but sadly is not as satisfactory as you thought it would be.—You are mean, vain, arrogant and the worst part is that you enjoy being this despicable human because you have absolutely no consequences to it. Everyone around you just accepts it and I feel so sorry for you because the only possible way for you to fill the void inside is to be surrounded by that crowd of mules licking your steps—To your surprise, he has nothing to say, he's just standing there with no facial expression, whatever he feels is easily covered by his years of experience acting, even drunk.—I can't give you that and it's obvious they don't want me either. What am I even doing here?—You ask yourself thinking where would be the best way of getting a cab, is a rich zone, must be easy.

—Everything is better when you're around—His voice is thin and fragile, you have to process what he said three times in your head to understand his words. You're not willing to look at him yet.—You're not like the others.

—Pure bullshit. You love to repeat that misogynist discourse of girls being in a certain way because is easier than be responsible for the people you choose to be—You were hugging yourself the whole time, is a cold night, but not enough to be bothersome, you enjoy Fall weather—You got me for a moment, I give you that, you fooled me but I'm too tired of guessing what version of you is real—When you return your gaze at him, he doesn't try to hide the guilt anymore, but there's still haughtiness in there.—Now, if you don't mind Mr. Chalamet, I need to get a cab.

—No, you came with me, you leave with me.—There's no trace of alcohol in his voice anymore, a good scolding is enough to put you sober, you know that thanks to your mom. Oh god, you're becoming her.

—You didn't bring me here, gigantic head—You look at him and put your hand in front of him with the palm up. He stares at it for several seconds before put his own on it—Not that!—You shake it and start looking inside his jeans pockets until you feel the metal of his key car.—You can't drive and I have to get home. You'll find it in the studio tomorrow.

That's how you ended with a car way more luxurious than you expected, driving so slowly and carefully that the police stopped you. What a night, but at this point, you couldn't care less about anything that is not that message, is been months and you can't get over it, over him. Not even Ben moans, Tom's comforting arms, or fight with a movie star at 3:00 am. is enough to get him out of your mind.

—So is true, you don't wear anything that hasn't appeared in a movie, huh?—Michael B. Jordan is leaning on the car window with a mocking smile and a sparkle of satisfaction that you would love to punch but his uniform keeps you in line, where you come from police is not equal to justice, most of the times is oppression.

—You know where it's from?—That was kind of comforting, no one at the party noticed. Not that you care.

—Is The Mask, not some Adam Hitchcock's blurb.—He smiles and even when you really don't like him, it's nice to be with a familiar face, you are really tired of running away, scaping for problems that are a result of your null capacity to deal with emotions. Ugh, what a word.

—Is Alfred Hitchcock, actually.—You didn't want to sound priggish, but you correct him with no time to stop yourself, an old habit.

—You got me, smarty, you know more than movies than me. Where did you get this car?—You feel really nervous even when you got this legally, you have your documents and license on time and he's being nice enough to not want to run away in a car that you technically borrowed for yourself.

—It's not mine.—No shit, Sherlock.

—No shit, Sherlock, I was asking where did you steal it.—You wanted to laugh but there's something with the uniform that just doesn't allow you to be yourself.—Are you drunk?

—No, no, fuck, no, it's just, I don't feel comfortable with cops—He raises his eyebrows but that is his only reaction.—Listen, is my boss' car, I'm doing the favor to take it to the studio, and I'm really nervous because is fucking expensive, he's an asshole, I haven't drive un almost a year because you people only use cars if you're rich or your work and lives depend on it. I'm starving.—The last part came out of nowhere, you haven't eaten anything in almost 13 hours, maybe that's the actual reason why you are that moody.

He doesn't answer right away, takes his time to look at you, what makes you blush, he's really close, closer than he's ever been. Does he smell like green apples? Not the actual apples, the artificial smell they had given to them.

—Get out of the car.—Oh no, is he arresting you? Is he finally taking revenge for every time you make fun of his Hawaiian-type shirts? You know you have too much karma accumulated and a cop making you pay for it when you don’t believe in their sense of justice is kinda poetic, and evil.

You don’t want to discuss with someone with a taser, gun, pepper spray, or who knows what else. So you take your bag, the key car, and get off defeated.

—My turn is almost over, I’ll take you to eat something, c’mon.—He walks back to his patrol and you stay still for a few seconds still processing his words, you must look totally devastated for him to offer that. How you see it you have two options, go with him and spend an awkward hour with a person you don’t like or risk getting a fine, Tim can pay it, it’s not a big deal but you don’t want to owe him even the minimal thing.

You get in the car holding on to your bag to feel calmer, this is the first time you’re fully alone with him since you found him half-naked in your kitchen. Those defined abs may never leave your brain.

—Are you cold?—He interrupts your thoughts with his question, you didn’t notice you were shaking. He looks for something under his seat and gives you an NYPD hoodie, you hold it doubting your next move, is not like you don’t appreciate the gesture but it’d be easier to take if it doesn’t get that words printed—Is clean.—He says chuckling when he sees the way you’re looking at it.

—Is not that, just, you know, fuck the police, defund the NYPD, demilitarize the pigs and that stuff.—You say putting on the hoodie anyway, is a cold night and you won't help the institution wearing their propaganda.

—Yeah, I get it, but you can't change the system just from within.—You decide is not the right moment to have a political conversation so you shrug your shoulders and discreetly smell the hoodie, a mix of cologne, green apples, and cheap soap, you know is cheap because you buy the exact same, do its job.

—I'm in the mood for pizza.—You say casually, making a deal to yourself to try to be his friend, he is a small part of your life anyway.—Domino's is open at this time of the night?

—Tell me you're not consuming that shit, dear Lord, you been here for how long, two years? I can't believe your idea of a good pizza is Domino's. Stella hasn't taught you anything?—You're surprised by the level of condescension with a pizza and you mirror his smile, suddenly feeling embarrassed. Your school program includes people from all around the world so you don't have that much experience with actual new yorkers. Logan is rich, so he doesn't really count.

—What's wrong with Domino's? I don't buy much street food, is cheaper to buy things on the food market. Besides, all pizza is good.—The mention of Sheep makes you a little tense, so you don't say anything about it, is not a conversation to have with him.

—Don't blaspheme in the patrol, I just washed it—You laugh, finally, after a terrible weekend. You can see why she likes him, there is something about his voice, smile, and his eyes that feel... calm, like watching Friends after a marathon of Lord of the Rings.—There are rules to survive this city, and I'm surprised you have made it this far without a proper guide.

—Chill out Mr. Miyagi, I'm not from the jungle, and I've learned a lot by myself.—He gives you a lopsided grin as a request, and you put your fingers up ready to enlist your acquired knowledge.—Walk fast, like you're about to be stabbed, something that actually happened to me, with an umbrella—He nods and laughs being related to it.—Number two, no small talk, no one cares, even if they ask. Number three, if you look a stranger in the eye, especially a homeless person, you have essentially invited them to approach you.

—Number four, we never eat from Domino's, Papa John's, Pizza hut, or any other chain restaurant, only trucks and local places are allowed.—You roll your eyes but you get the point, is just, again, you're not much into street food, it doesn't taste like home and the only way to eat food like that is preparing it yourself.

—Fine, fuck capitalism, let's support local places—You make an obvious fake enthusiastic tone but he nods proudly.—Number five, you don't need a car to live here, not even know how to drive. I would have successfully avoided this police brutality if I had followed that rule.

—For someone who is about to eat for free, you whine too much.—He parks the car and gives you a sign to go with him. You see him go to a pizza truck and order, you realize at the moment how ridiculous you look, so before chasing him you let your hair down, take your huge earrings off, and roll up the skirt of your dress until your mid-thighs letting the hoodie cover the rest, and clean the red lipstick with a Kleenex from your bag. Now you look more like a college person and not a rich girl who just got seized.

—Here you go.—He says giving you a slice as big as your head, looks oily and spreading cheese everywhere. Perfect.

—Is it vegan?—You ask receiving the food with an obnoxious face. His kind grind turned into a dread expression and you give him your second laugh of the day.—I'm kidding.

You are about to give it a bite when you see passing next to you a huge rat with the exact same slice as yours in its mouth, running into the dark of the night happy to have obtained the food for its family. They use to scare you when you just moved out but now they're like any other pigeon in the sky.

—Rule... whatever, a rat with a slice of pizza is a symbol for good luck, congratulations.—He pets your head awkwardly, not sure if you're ok with the physical contact, which, surprisingly, you are.

—I see rats with bagels all the time.—Pizza and bagels, that's the main culinary wonders of the city, you like it, not much to object but is hard not to compare it with your home's food.

—Is easy to confuse a rough diamond with a simple rock.—You both eat in silence, enjoying the mixed sounds of the city and all the different smells, the whole situation feels like one of those lofi music videos. You remember thinking about moments like this before getting the scholarship, what would it be like to feel normal in the city of your dreams.

—How do you know that much about movies?—He asks after a few minutes when you take a break to drink something, that pizza is not easy to take.

—When I was a kid a spent much time on my own, so my dad bought me a used DVD reproducer, and at the corner of my neighborhood was this movie store where you could buy 5 pirate movies for one dollar. They were blurred, with a terrible sound, and most of the time with the wrong movie inside but they helped me to not feel lonely. Eventually, the store closed but I've watched everything in it by then—He gives you a warm smile, you never told that story to anyone, not because is too intimate to share, but because no one asked, it doesn't sound like a question with a complex answer.—Anyway, I watched Marie Antoinette when I was like eight, and I decided at that moment that however is done I wanted to be part of that magic.

—You hear all kind of people chasing dreams in this city but is hard to find someone who actually deserves it.—You blush and you cover it with your hair but the smile on your voice is impossible to hide.

—Is that a compliment? You must really want me to like you to date Sheep.—You laugh but you can see his face tense, so you can guess your friend has been busy breaking everyone’s hearts.

—She hasn’t returned my calls in three days so I don’t think there’s much you can do—You nod, all this time you thought he was the reason she is ignoring you but apparently you are both in the same boat.—But yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking, what I should have said is, Marie Antoinette at eight? I can see where all the damage started.

You gasp and throw your napkin at his head, he easily catches it without even looking at it and laughs; that was unexpectedly attractive.

—Why a cop?—You ask, not sure where that question came from, maybe you authentically want to know more about him, he just bought you food, and honestly, that's the easiest way to win your trust.

—I wanted to be an actor when I was a child. This is the city of opportunities so you may think that if you want to chase the big wonder, this is the perfect place to do it. But I grow up surrounded by these people giving their entire lives to get something just given to one in a million so I decided is not worth it. For many years I wondered what I wanted to do with my life and the answer was really clear, my dad was a cop, a good one, or that’s what people say. I don’t remember much because he died when I was seven—Conversations about death are not your strength, everything can turn out uncomfortable if you choose the wrong words.—It might not be that glamorous but if my father died for it, it surely worth it.

—For the good ones.—You raise your almost empty can of Coke and he does the same with a grin that warms the cold weather of the night.

—For the good ones.

The next two hours passed like minutes talking about anything and everything. It just felt right to talk freely with him, you didn’t feel judged for your awkward family moments or your random thoughts, not even once because he told you his too. At some point of the night he borrowed you his gym sweatpants, any of you could just suggest going home but that was off the table, end that peace just for weather reasons would have been a tragedy.

—I read Timothée Chalamet is a dick. Is that true?—The mention of his name remains you of your life and everything that comes with it, including the middle semester project that you must dedicate your entire day, one that is about to start.—What, you can’t talk about it?

—He is a complete dick with no sense of privacy or human decency—And when he interrupts a deep kiss to look at your eyes, smile, and caress your chin, you feel like a character of his Victorian movies. But he didn’t ask that.—But the next week he’ll be no longer my problem.

—That’s why we have rule twenty-three, don’t ask for a picture of a celebrity unless they are local—You have heard about it before but you haven’t got the opportunity to decide if you like that rule because the only celebrities you have seen are from work and that club’s party opening.—That means you’ll be free to go to the Stephen Kings’ movie projection there will be for Halloween.

You don’t know if that was a proposition, a suggestion, or just a simple recommendation, and whatever it is, you noticed he was nervous to ask. Is it wrong? It feels wrong like you were betraying your friend accepting to hang out with his boyfriend without her consent. But he didn’t ask you to go with him so is safe to answer.

—Yeah, I guess—You get a moment, four seconds top, where you shared innocent, curious, and tenting gazes like three graders in the playground. And that’s the further you will allow yourself to go.—We better leave, if the sunlight touch me I’ll turn into dust.

You get off the car hood and go to the side door, but this time he opens it for you. You give him a “seriously?” Look, receiving a little push in your arm as a response.

↬☀︎︎

A distant voice asks you to wake up, softly whispers that turn into caresses on your cheek, your eyes feel so heavy, even when you are well aware of your environment your eyelids keep closed.

—Good morning, Princess—This is the first time Tom calls you that way, the change from silly nicknames to Princess is enough to get you out of hibernation. He is squatting beside your bed, his smile is the promise of a better day, and chasing that idea you give him one small back.—Your mom has been texting me desperately all day, she said you're not answering her calls and is worried.

—Fuck, my phone broke last night, can I call her from yours?—That’s an oversimplification but in the search for a better story, that's what you decide to believe and tell. Tom nods and gives it to you, he looks happy, beyond that, this is the first time you see that subtle blush on his cheeks and the eyes sparkling. You sit on the bed next to his body looking for your mom's number, slowly he moves between your legs, you have shorts and an oversized Back To The Future t-shirt, you got took the time to prepare yourself to bed last night and keep Michael’s clothes inside your closet to wash them, like The Tell-Tale Heart, a little innocent secret who feels dirty somehow

The conversations with your mom are always long, nostalgic and the tears are hard to hold for both parts; after a long life sharing almost every day with her, her absence never feels smaller. But this time is different, Tom is exploring the bare skin under your knee with his warm hands, asking for permission with curious eyes, and when you don’t object to the touch the British boy keeps his exploring mission cautiously, giving special attention to see your eyes in case something change. Is time to hang up when he gives a long and loving kiss to your knee, the less erotic kiss you could think of but so intimate to bristle your skin.

—Not nice to touch someone's daughter when is talking to her mom.—The protest of your voice loses strength at every word, he heard that and just straight his back to reach your face, the gap is almost extinct.

—We're okay, she likes me.—He assures holding your hips and pulling you a bit to him. Tom looks very comfortable with the new closeness authorization, you like it but are not very sure about it yet, most of you still think of him as your best friend.

—Did she tell you that? Are you talking with my mom behind my back?—You laugh when he does, almost like nothing changed.

—She adores me, I swear, I'm invited to Christmas, you know?—You're not surprised, she invites everyone, Logan was too but the first time he got family plans and didn't make it to the second.

—You should go, maybe we can do...—His lips touch yours in a peak at the middle phrase and makes you forget what you were about to say.—Man, the audacity to interrupt...—Then he kisses you again, deeply, using his tongue to taste your inner lip and his hands holding your shirt in fists. That's a twist of events.

—Is that ok?—You hear a weak whisper coming out of his voice but you got so mesmerized on his lips that decided to ignore it and kiss him back instead. He responds to your touch and starts to lean over you to make you lay on the bed.

Jesucristo bendito, is this happening? like, actually happening? you must look like trash, you barely took all the makeup from the night before and didn't take a shower, you start to get so worried about smells, feelings, and what that'll mean to your already too much-spoiled friendship.

However, the time of doubts is done when Sheep starts yelling in the living room, you both reacted running to the sound and looking for your blonde friend. Michael is there but doesn't look like the same as a few hours ago, is annoyed and tired for the lack of sleep, a look that doesn't match him at all.—What did you do?—You ask him fast assuming she's mad for something he did.

—Just in time, the star of the movie, I was wondering how much it will take you to be the protagonist of this.—That is Sheep's voice talking about you and what must be your heart breaking from her words.

—Excuse me?—You wish your tone would be less savage but you can't help respond the same way she did.

—Logan wasn't enough, then you got the drummer, fucking Timothée Chalamet, Tom and now my boyfriend. I'm so glad I didn't leave you alone with my dad or I'd be calling you mom now.—You have no words to that, Michael doesn't even dare to look at you, he must have told her something she misunderstood, but Sheep, or well, Stella is saying things she actually thinks and keep to herself. Tom walks in front of you whispering things to her to calm her down but she is not looking at him, you didn't tell her anything about Tom either so he's taking responsibility this time.—Go ahead and fuck the whole city, Michael if that please you but you're crossing the line with Tom and you know that, you're going to ruin him as you ruin every man that enters in your life.—She has a very you moment having the last word of the dispute and getting out of the apartment with Michael going after her but not putting much effort in it.

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