#'i guess you could say i live a wild life' she said as she ate three fake girl scout cookies and washed them down with vitamin d milk

[ioannemos]

still weird to go shopping and buy food with my own money based on my preferences and mine alone. i make my own shopping list. i don't have to consult anybody. i decide the budget. i could buy six boxes of chocolate frosted sugar bombs and a gallon of chocolate milk and eat nothing but that if i wanted to. would it kill me? eventually! would @mirainawen kill me first? probably! but i could

[misguidedasgardian]

I need to (3)

... Set In

MASTERLIST

Summary: like they say, “out of sight, out of mind”, so you wanted to put an entire continent between you and Aemond

Pairings: Aemond Targaryen x Fem!Reader

Warnings: There are mentions of them being Minors! at some point in their relationship, cursing, cheating, angst, depression, underage drinking (in some countries), might miss some warnings

Wordcount: 3.4 k

Notes: jaja! can’t wait for you to read it!

You didn’t remember life without Aemond or his family in it

And even though you were officially dating for only three years, you had known him for longer than that.

They say there were five stages of grief, and even if you accepted it or not, you were grieving your relationship with a guy you don’t remember living without

In campus and all around it, you lived through the first three

Denial

Anger

And bargaining 

And when you got into the cruise with your godmother, you were hit like a truck by the fourth one

Depression 

One of the two weeks of the cruise you’d spend in your cabin, throwing up, seasick, and crying.

You did your rituals…

You deleted all the pictures, all the messages, and in all social media, all of it

Aemond’s texts started pouring in when he went to look for you in your room and Maris told him unceremoniously that you were gone, for good, went to Winterfell University

There were A LOT of texts 

He was going through something of his own

But you blocked him.

And then his brothers, which also contacted you, and then you just turn off your phone for the rest of the trip, after sending only one to your childhood friend

Jacaerys Velaryon

Telling him you were going to be there in Winterfell next semester, and how you’d love to see him

And then you turned it off

You didn’t believe he was going to answer you back

Jace, had been your best friend, he was your neighbor growing up, but at some point, when you started to date Aemond, he just drifted off away from you. Your relationship with Aemond wasn’t easy and he convinced you Jace was “completely in love with you like a puppy”, so, you cut him off, and he didn’t protest 

You missed him

You hoped he’d forgive you

And then one day, you woke up, and actually joined your godmother and the Lannisters for breakfast, were you ate everything you hadn't in the past week

Waffles with syrup, bananas and strawberries

Small jam and cheese sandwiches

Orange juice from Dorne

Coffee from Ashford

You ate and drank it all

Under the Lannister’s amused gaze

It seemed like each nautical mile you sailed away from Dragonstone and King’s Landing, the better you felt, you were detaching, you were cleansing and you were healing

And it felt good

And you knew what else felt good?

It was election week, the primaries, and the Lannisters, the main supporters of Viserys Targaryen, were in that cruise with you

Your Godmother had convinced them to join you, in support of you, and they were entertained to see “what happens” when they, the famous Lannisters, are not in king’s Landing for the most important political week of the year

You guessed mayhem, concern and worry, and perhaps the liberals taking power finally, without the Lannister’s money to  support the conservatives 

Tyland and Jason were convinced everyone was freaking out, and it was true, their cellphones hadn't stopped ringing all week, the Red Keep was in disarray 

“We are all in this cruise, if this shit sinks, the entire economy of the seven united states of westeros goes to shit”, Tyland laughed, and you laughed as you zipped on your juice

“I’m happy to see the little one up and about”, said Jason, they were idiots, but they meant well, they were your godmother’s family, him, their wives and children, all so blonde they could blind you

“She is a little lioness”, muttered your godmother, arranging a wild lock of your hair behind your ear, “who is paling, darling, you need to take some sun”

“Its winter godmother”, you said, amused

“That is what the winter deck if for sweety”, yes, a covered deck with a heated pool and magnificent glass to bake like an ant under a lens

Your godmother knew what you needed, she had been through some of the same, doubling your age, she had seen and lived things… so she let you

She let you slip shots and then take the stage at the karaoke bar with Jason to horribly sing, butchering your favorite rap songs, until you learned them all

She let you eat as much calories as you needed, chocolate above all, the girls at the chocolate shop of the cruise knew you by name

She let you cry and accompanied you in those beautiful and chaotic movie nights where they only played cheesy rom coms

She let you do the “Sea Snake” bit on the bow of the ship, screaming, “I’m on top of the world”, even though you were at sea level, the lowest point ever

And finally, she online shopped with you to buy you an entire new winter closet, because you were going to need it, you were going North, as cold as it gets

She even looked at Northerners real estate, she wanted to buy a small (huge) cabin, for you and her, you for next year, near campus and a sky center, and for her to visit you

Turns out they were such things as “retail therapy”, or “comfort food”. but your favorite part was when she went with you to the cruise’s “built-a-bear” store, where she made you a wolf plushie, a gray wolf dressing in clothes with the colors of WU, you felt like you just went back a few years, that you were child again

And it felt nice, knowing that you could be taken care of

You needed that

You never felt that way with… the unmentionable 

it was also funny because you took the Lannister’s kids, Tyland’s children and they were just so messy, jumping around, throwing everything in their path, throwing the white stuffing at each other… and seeing the face of your godmother was just so funny and cute 

And the part you felt most guilty for… was that Viserys had lost the primaries.

He was still on the race, he went second

But you knew he wanted the presidential, and as mayor of the most important state, you knew he could do it, those were next year

Anyways, that was not your problem, even though the Lannister were boasting on “what happens when the lion is not in the den”

And the peace of mind that brought you not having your cellphone on you, that you could focus on the important things

You didn’t even know what was happening outside that huge boat

Maybe the world had burnt up, and you wouldn’t tell until you arrived at White Harbor, perhaps Essos attackedWesteros with a nuclear head, and that was it

You couldn’t care less

You didn’t even know that a world was imploding, only not the ENTIRE world as is.

It turns out Maris had the right idea and you did scorch the earth

Only you didn't know 

The week in White Harbor was quick as well, the Lannisters couldn’t keep themselves out of the political career forever and abandoned the trip to go back to King’s Landing, but you and your godmother kept traveling

One week of a big hotel with spas on it, and you went to the Pentosi hot bathrooms so much you were scared your skin was going to peel off

And then…

Suddenly school started in three days and you were on a train to Winterfell

It was the middle of winter, and your godmother couldn’t pry you off of the panoramic windows in the big train, it was all tundra, snowy mountains and frozen lakes, and you loved it, all of it, and then, after one entire day of traveling

There it was

The view was breathtaking

The whole of Winter’s town, the capital of the North, was in a huge valley, rumor has it that underground water thermals ran under it, so it was a big green valley, even in the middle of winter, it was like a microclimate

The train entered the city trough one of the biggest mountains around it, giving you the entire view

You could see the University from where you were

The seven greatest universities in all of Westeros were once castles, castles of the Kings that ruled those lands, preserved for the use of the new generations of students.

It was an honor, for you in particular, for having study, now in two of them

“The truck with your things, the new ones and the old ones is in campus” your godmother muttered beside you, you are going straight to the school”, she said with a reassuring smile

You looked down at yourself

You were using the oversized jersey that Ben gave you, and some jeans and boots, for the cold

“You look… inappropriate, is not proper for you to wear those things, (y/n), the first impression is the most important one, and you have to look presentable, and serious”

You had to look back because you were certain Aemond was whispering things into your ear, like a freaking ghost

You looked at the plushie your godmother had gifted you and you felt silly for getting one, you were eighteen, not a little girl and…

You were so confused 

“You look lovely dear”, she said, waking you up from your stupor, she sometimes could read your mind, “is your first day, moving day, back from winter break, is perfectly fine”, she said sincerely

He was no longer in your life

You needed to remember yourself of that

You were eighteen and your closet looked like the one of a grandmother, you had to hide your jeans from Aemond

He is no longer in your life

He is no longer in your life

He is no longer in your life

You were free to do as you liked and pleased 

You took a long breath

He was not with you, he was not watching you, and even if it was, he didn’t get a saying anymore

He didn’t

Your godmother dropped you off in her rental car and the goodbye was long, but she understood your need to do this on your own, so she went to the headmaster’s office, according to her, it was an old friend of hers, and then, she left you, in front of your dorm building, next to the truck that brought the few boxes of your things in them

When you grabbed the last of the boxes out of the truck, you felt a sense of calm, of tranquility, you felt like finally you could breathe freely, when you turned around and you looked over the campus all dressed in autumn 

You felt the fresh air entering your lungs and you knew you had made the right decision. You couldn’t smell the sea, or the fish, or hear the seagulls, instead, pure fresh air coming from frozen tundra and mountains.

This is where you should be

“Hey you!”, you turned around with a wide smile as you saw Jacaerys Velaryon approaching you

“Jacey!”, you said. It sounds weird but Jace was Aemond’s nephew, son of his way older sister from his father's first marriage. And you were so surprised to see him. You dropped the box and he held to you tight, like no time has passed, like he still was your best friend

And that hug felt so good

You needed it

Apart from your godmother you didn't think you had embraced someone for a long time…

Aemond was jealous, and wouldn’t let anyone near you

You shook your head as you hid in Jace’s neck

“You never answered me back!”, he laughed, and you finally separated as he looked at your teary eyes, you were so happy and excited. “I was so excited when I got that text from you, I answered immediately and you didn’t answer!”

“Sorry, I turned off my phone I was… going through something”, you whispered

“Oh I heard”, he said, and you shared looks, he was entertained, while you were petrified

“What things?”, he laughed, scratching the back of his neck, then he leaned in and picked your box off the ground

“Let me help you with that”, you were such good friends that you had planned, together, to attend Winterfell University back in Highschool, he went on with his plans, wanting to stand out of his family’s shadow and live a little adventure, fly off the nest as it were, just like you wanted to do, he had succeeded first try. 

“That requires a coffee, or maybe a very large drink”, he laughed and you hissed

“How bad is it?”, you asked

“You were brought up a LOT in the family dinners over the holidays, lets just say you are not on the list for a christmas card anymore”, you both started to go inside the building, with a huge cart with all your stuff

“A friend lives in this dorm”, jace said smiling shyly as you looked around, amazed, it was huge, amazing

The campus was great from what you could see, every career had his own department, and the dorms where a few blocks away, all together 

“I’m so happy you are here”, he seemed relieved, he couldn’t stop looking at you, “I love the spirit”, he said signaling to your jersey, you only laughed, “you look different”

“Different how?”, you asked

“Better”, he said, “like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders or something, I guess that’s what happened”

He and Aemond had never gotten along, ever, they hated each other for some reason, maybe because Jace’s mom was like the black sheep of the family and had broken ties with them, money and privilege included, she also followed a career in politics, but as a liberal, that was something, and she married Jace’s father Harwin, someone who didn’t have a membership in King’s Landing country club, and that was saying something. 

You wouldn’t know, perhaps it was because of all the alpha male and all that. 

But he seemed genuinely relieved, that you were here, and you had broken off with Aemond, because you truly cared for one another

“I’m happy to be here too”, you confessed, with a reassuring smile, “just like we planned all those years ago”, you giggled

“Let get you settled in, and afterwards I will take you to meet everyone”, he said, and you nodded enthusiastically

“Since is my first year I have to stay in campus”, you told him, as you started walking, he followed you of course

“That is cool, living here was great! though since is my second semester went to live with a friend a couple of blocks away in a cool apartment”

“That amazing!”, you whispered, and he smiled tenderly at you. “Who is everyone by the way?”

“Well, for starters, my roommate, you are going to like him, he is one of the coolest guys you will ever meet, and then there is Tallheart…”

“Ben?”

“You know him?”, he asked

“Thanks to him that I’m here!”, you cheered and he smiled, and suddenly you were out of the elevator and in front of your new room

“Sarah Snow”, you whispered, reading the name at the door 

Oh this girl had gotten a single from the first semester, and now she was getting a roommate, she was going to HATE you, but you had to suck it up, with Jace here, and the prospect of new friends, you could totally spend more time off your room, you would try to bother her the least you could

You missed the entertained look Jace gave you, he just left the cart and took a step back

So you knocked twice and opened the door slowly, giving her time to react to your arrival, once you could look inside the room, a girl with dark brown hair and beautiful icy blue eyes jumped of the seat in her desk with open arms

“ROOMIE!”, she cheered, and ran towards you and engulfed you in a tight hug, you screeched at the sudden of it all but returned the hug. “I’m so happy you are finally here!”, she said releasing you as quickly as she hugged you, “look, I put everything in order, cleaned your corner!”, she said, showing you around, you indeed had your part of the room, even if it was blank, it was spotless. “I’m Sarah!”, she said looking at you with a huge smile. You introduced yourself back

“I’m happy to be here!”, you offered with a wide smile as you looked at your new room, it had a bigger window, but the size was ultimately the same

“I was so happy when they told me I got a roommate, you know, it gets lonely in this big room you know”, she spoke like ten words per second, but you loved her already, she had such a good vibe about her

You looked back at Jace and he was just looking at Sarah with a shy smile

“Jacey! what are you doing here?”. she giggled, “don’t tell me you are pulling all the stops already with the new girl?”, she teased

“No, we go way back”, he said, and Sarah shrieked

“That is so incredible, such a small world uh?”, she giggled, as she went to Jace and took the box off him

“Now let us have some girls time”, she teased and you smiled widely at him

“See you both at seven then? you’ll meet everyone”, you shook your head, so excited 

“Sure”, you said at the same time, and he left you, scratching the back of his neck, you both looked at each other and smiled

“What’s the story there?”, you asked at the same time and laughed

While she helped you unpack, and hang posters and pictures, you talked about the things you could share and use from the other, and you found yourself thinking Sarah was an old friend, that is how it felt like

The clock turned seven and she grabbed your hand and went to “the tavern”, an amazing underground palace that served from coffees to the coolest drinks and locally made beer 

There he was Jace with a group of friends

Sarah had told you Jace was good friends with his brother, he went to live together, and you loved that for Jacey, and Sarah and him… well… Jace was shy and Sarah was too, at least with guys, and she thought he was flirting, but he was also intimidating by her brother, it was a whole things, so you agreed to help her, to scout the field as it where

“She is my friend from King’s Landing”, introduced Jace

“my roommate!”

You looked around the room and you smiled greatly when you recognized two familiar faces, Baela and Rhaena. They got up and hugged you tightly, they were Aemond’s cousins, Jace’s… aunts? weird family 

“This is my first success story!”, chanted Ben, and he introduced you to his girlfriend, Alysanne Blackwood, a beautiful girl tall as a model, they both were a sophomore 

“Jon Dustin”, he kept introducing

“Where is my annoying brother?”, asked Sarah, looking around

“Oh he had some last minute things to do”, said Jace, “but no matter”. 

You don’t remember a time in which you hadn't had so much fun, continuously

No shady comments about what you said, or did, nor angry, disappointed gazed towards you, you drank beer, and laughed your face off 

Ben was a good representative but you ate ribs, french fries and drank beer.

And it was only the first night ever.

And when you were unsuccessfully trying to wipe barbecue sauce of the edges of your lips, you felt another figure approaching, you looked up and made eye contact with a tall man, dark hair, piercing blue eyes that scanned the table and then looked down at your sauce covered face

“There you are, you bastard!”, mocked Jace, “the semester is not even on yet and you are already to the neck in paperwork”

“what can I say, I like to keep myself busy”, you kept looking up at him, and his eyes never left yours, they were a glacier blue, mesmerizing really, “and who’s this?”, he asked

“I’m (y/n)”, you introduced yourself with your hand all coated in barbecue sauce just as your face

Not your finest moment

more notes: Alright, at first i didn't want Cregan to show up, but then I thought I was just going to be too cruel... so, there it is, not everyone meets trough a "meetcute", sometimes it is when you least expect it... so... there it is...

Its so hard to create out of the tip of my tongue the "ASOIAF" similars with things fromt he real world... like... when reader sang rap songs I imagined her singing "WIthout me" from Eminem jaajja, or I imagined making referenes from Jackie Kennedy and Marilyn, and all... ANYWAYS JAJA i hope it sounded just as cool like that...

taglist! ❤️

@mxtokko @princesssterek @thefandomimagines @iamavailablesstuff @misspascalpunk @sweethoneyblossom1 @ipostwhtifeel @lunamoonbby @ahristata @watercolorskyy @yazzzmints @n4tforlife @littleshadow17 @alexa4040 @speedyballoonpainter @hc-geralt-23 @rayrayredpanda @eralen

[venbetta]

This is Tumblr, we're all wild animals with zoomies. Please share your thoughts.

You right... you're so right

Time to vomit all of my thoughts then-

I’m gonna have to be so sparring with the pictures due to the 10 image limit *sob* whatever i'll figure it out,,

Also I'm gonna say this- Freddy isn't possessed by Michael Afton in this. I don't mind Glammike, but I love the idea of Freddy just becoming a “deviant” I guess. Robots becoming human. They should totally make a game or something… wink wink.

I'm gonna just dig into the lyrics and breakdown my thought process for some of the frames… (I'm not doing every lyric, only some that stood out)

So, the meaning of “My Way” is based around self determination, that's the basic gist. I personally interpreted it as individualism, seeing how the lyrics have certain phrases based around it.

I had heard this song at the beginning of this year and immediately thought of Freddy. I also remember hearing the ai cover version at one point… (moving on)

And it was pretty obvious that most people agreed that this was his song.

Let's break it down >:]

And now, the end is near

And so I face the final curtain

I started the scene with Freddy walking on the third floor atrium, and I guess I took “I face the final curtain” literally since he's looking at the main stage lmao

My friend, I'll say it clear

Small side note, it's literally the most miniscule detail, but I felt like he was referring to Bonnie when he said “my friend” … It doesn't help that he's on the same floor as Bonnie Bowl.

I've lived a life that's full

Freddy reflecting about his “life” performing alongside his friends, I specifically added Chica because she's one of the remaining members of the original trio. :)

Regrets I've had a few

But then again, too few to mention

I did what I had to do

And saw it through without exemption

This verse was the best way to describe Freddy's situation. He had to not only escort this kid around the pizzaplex but he had to make sure Gregory wouldn't get hurt. He didn't want to hurt his friends but he couldn't let them hurt Gregory either. While it's shown that the other glamrocks were shattered, him saying he has regrets, I thought about whether or not he did the shattering himself or it was Gregory.

I mean, canonically, it was all Gregory's doing, Freddy was an accomplice… (sort of), but in the back of my mind, a messed up part of me wanted it to be Freddy's doing. Especially when we get to the confrontation scene. Honestly it can be interpreted both ways. I've read a fic where Freddy killed his friends… very gruesome but badass.

Anyways have a Freddy ear wiggle... cutest fucking thing ever.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew

When I bit off more than I could chew

But through it all, when there was doubt

I ate it up and spit it out

I faced it all, and I stood tall

And did it my way

Another one of those verses where I went fucking crazy and said “THAT'S HIM.”

So as it's seen in the animatic, Freddy is trying to keep Gregory safe. Gregory was originally going to be in his stomach hatch during this fight scene, but as I mentioned, Freddy wouldn't have wanted him to be in serious danger, so.. I changed it to him carrying Gregory.

“I'm sure you knew when I bit off more than I could chew” refers to Gregory being aware of how much he was in danger, and Freddy deciding to bite the bullet towards confronting his friends. Even if it meant someone was going to get hurt.

“When there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out.” God, I loved drawing Freddy clenching his fists. The hesitancy before just accepting that he has to protect Gregory at all costs. Maybe I took some of the lyrics and made them slightly literal? Idk. Either way, this scene was powerful, especially when he and Monty clashed together.

“I stood tall” to me shows how Freddy was no longer going to let his soft persona get in the way. This part was just very fun to draw and put together… :3

I've loved, I've laughed and cried

I've had my fill, my share of losing

And now, as tears subside

I find it all so amusing

Once again Freddy is thinking about his friends and life, I found this part kind of hard? Originally I wanted him to be surrounded by his friends, and have it fade to just him standing alone, but I didn't like how it was drawn lol. I improvised and had it be a poster instead.

Also there's something heartbreaking about how he examines his plushie. “I find it all so amusing”, I interpreted that as him being melancholic about the situation, looking between the plushie and Gregory by the exit.

To think I did all that

And may I say, not in a shy way

Ah yes, Freddy setting the plushie on fire. I like to think he makes up his mind at that moment that none of this was worth it anymore. Once again, that interpretation of him being complacent to his friends being shattered kinda fits into this line a little, “I did all that”, as if he's surprised he had it in him to go that far to protect Gregory.

I did it my way

…self explanatory. Freddy said, “Yeah nah I'm done. Burn this bitch to the ground.”

I mean, that's basically the fire escape ending if I'm being honest. Mine's just funnier.

For what is a man, what has he got?

If not himself, then he has naught

To say the things he truly feels

And not the words of one who kneels

The record shows I took the blows

And did it my way

The final stretch. So this verse is pretty heavy, also I had to pace this correctly… I'm surprised I managed to fit the climax in.

“For what is a man” when I heard that line for the first time… fire no pun intended. It's also kinda ironic(?) Freddy says this, since he's an animatronic… but me personally, I saw it as an epiphany for him. He's acknowledging his own individualism, and that's all he has now. He made the decision to protect Gregory, to fight his friends, and now he's making the choice to burn everything down.

“To say the things he truly feels, and not the words of one who kneels” Good shit. He's not taking orders from anyone anymore, he's gone full deviant now.

And with the confrontation with Vanny, he makes the impulsive decision to take her out, going down with her. “I did it my way” the grand climax of the song, where he throws both of them off the building… lowkey my favorite part. I had fun using the tracking tool on the editing program to make them pan across the screen in slow mo…

But yeah, Freddy was gonna go down his own way- even if it was unnecessary.

Yes it was my way

The fall and the brief daze and fear in his eyes…

There's something about the acceptance in his eyes that makes my chest swell.

I'm surprised I haven't cried to this animatic yet.

I'm sure I'm not the only person who doesn't like this ending of SB… it's so weird and confusing. I laughed my ass off watching it due to how whacky it was… also I still believe that Vanessa on the roof was an apparition/ghost. Idk… it makes sense to me.

The fact that I made this ending have more impact makes it more satisfying. I know it was very indulgent but like… that was the point. I know Freddy's characterization in the game is pretty limited, outside of him being a goofball, but he had genuine moments where there was something else there (I'm looking at the true ending scene).

Listen, I headcanon Freddy as someone who's sweet and puts on his best face but has the entire company of FazEnt on his shoulders and all he can do is tolerate it because he was made to entertain. Having him not only have an existential crisis but an epiphany lets Freddy shine a little more.

I say the best part during the animatic process is looking at the lyrics and breaking them down for the story. It helps with pacing :)

I plan to do another fnaf animatic this weekend, so look forward to some wips… if I decide/remember to share

Feel free to ask me anything, I'll try to answer them!

:)

[iheartmoons]

asks for you bc i’m bored

fav food?

fav drink?

fav show?

fav subject? (i feel like i already know this one but i might be wrong so)

fav snack?

comfort food?

weirdest food you've ever eaten?

most out of character thing you've ever done?

wallpaper?

if you could have an unlimited supply of one thing for the rest of your life, what would you choose?

any phobias?

is there anything you’d wait in line for a week to do, see, or get?

if you could name your brain, what would you name it?

where do you want to travel the most?

you don’t have to answer all of them or any at all if you don’t want to!! they’re very random lmao

you can answer privately too if you’d like <3

OMG HI i should be sleeping but this is more fun:

(strap in bc it turns out that i cant choose anything for the life of me, and i enjoy oversharing)

fav food: i cant….choose. being a basic bitch id say like chicken curry and rice bc idk 🧍‍♂️it’s good. but uhhh i love chinese food generally, like oh man. duck pancakes w the cucumbers and sauces and uh, the noodles and the pork and chicken and dumplings and bao buns (i am aware this sounds terrible to others, but i am drooling)

fav drink: ooh oreo milkshake, or if we’re talking standard drink from the shop, specifically fanta fruit twist (it’s also the colour i would dye my hair btw). my go-to is always generally water tho 🤭

fav show: i cant choose…. maybe like friday night dinner, she-ra, and strong girl bong soon

fav subject: english <3

fav snack: OH um. i love choc chip muffins or choc chip cookies tbh, also brownies!!!!

comfort food: any type of chicken curry and rice

weirdest food i’ve eaten: i really haven’t eaten anything weird. i don’t eat any red meat very often apart from pork, sooo idk. (i’m thinking meat wise here btw) i guess i’d say pig intestines - look it sounds bad, but if you think abt it, lots of people are eating all the other parts of the pig w/o thinking about it. my bro once ate crocodile at a farm once tho which was pretty wild (apparently it tastes like chicken)

most out of character thing ive ever done: see i cant really answer this because i’m just so different in diff situations or w diff people, but i honest to god think that it’s saying i love you to all my online friends. like. id never ever do that in real life. i find it extremely hard to show my emotions, it’s so awkward and uncomfy.

wallpaper: for a moment there i couldn’t decide whether u were asking abt my literal wallpaper or my phone wallpaper…. i’m still unsure… but my lock screen is reg and sirius, and my home screen is the marauders. and if ur asking abt my bedroom, i got lilac walls 🙈

if i had an unlimited supply of smth, what wld i choose: ohhhhhh oh. fuck idk. ummm money??? lmao 😭😭😭 maybe time with my cousin (she’s my fav person and she doesn’t live in the same city + she’s going to uni after next year so my chances of seeing her are slimming)

phobias: the ocean/any big body of water, death (big big emphasis on this one) and ummm like dolls and clowns- actually i’m scared of so many things, the list could go on and on

smth i’d wait in line to see/do/get: i’d wait in line for a hug from mitski tbh

if i could name my brain, what wld i name it: WHAT SORT OF QUESRIONS ARE THESE 😭😭 good lord. id name it the fucking universe. i had this thing when i was younger where i started this universe and kept building characters upon characters until there were hundreds and i knew each of their intricate storylines and id act them out and it was actually bad bc i couldn’t focus on anything else for literal years (there you go, big moons secret - not rlly a secret, i’ve said it before) so yes. there is an entire universe up in my brain probably.

where do you want to travel the most: i wanna go to the south of france + tokyo + venice, but i heard it’s not all that. my fav places that i’ve been to are vietnam and america which r two very different places and i adored them - vietnam more for the food and culture and surroundings, american more bc of family + tourist attractions + theme parks. so. maybe one of those wins.

[projectbluearcadia]

That Went From 0 To Fluffy Real Quick

Mom: Let me get this straight. This guy—who was actually some kind of magic spell enacted by King Solomon centuries ago—kidnapped you on a whim, replaced your heart, made you live off of this—

Annelie’s mother makes a wild gesture to Lucifer. 

Mom: —guy’s “life energy”, whatever that’s supposed to be—

That’s not self-explanatory?

Mom: —and finished everything off by doing everything short of killing you. 

Annelie: That’s about the sum of it. 

Dad: ...

Mom: ...

Annelie: Look, I’m trying my hardest to tell you the honest truth. It might be easier to accept that Lucifer and I had a shotgun marriage and said “hey, let’s run away together,” but that’s just not how I work. It’s not how he works either. 

Annelie pauses. 

Annelie: Actually, I can’t say that, since he’s letting his brothers run amok today until six. And probably again after ten. 

Lucifer: Nine-thirty. 

Annelie shoots him a glance, and he smiles sweetly before his attention turns towards his D.D.D.

Mom: He has brothers now? Who are they, the horsemen of the apocalypse?

Lucifer gets a pained, tired look on his face, and he sinks his face into his hand. Annelie leans over to read the horrifying messages in the House of Lamentation group chat.

Lucifer: Well, one of them could certainly bring about a famine...

Annelie pats Lucifer's back.

Annelie: ...sorry for jinxing it. 

Sorry for making you ignore them.

Lucifer: Annelie, don't even think about taking responsibility for the shit they pull. 

Annelie flinches. 

Lucifer: I know when you're acting. It's not your fault.

Annelie: ...I'm still in for that lecture, huh?

Lucifer: Did you really think I'd forget about it? 

Annelie: Well, you're an old man. 

Lucifer: Annelie. 

Annelie: Yes? 

Lucifer: Remember what happened in the changing room? 

Annelie: ...

Annelie looks down at her dress. 

Annelie: Human materials don't carry magic, do they?

Lucifer: That fabric isn't particularly adept at holding enchantments, but it's quite an excellent receiver for them. Now would you care to repeat what you just said?

Annelie: ...I'll behave. 

Bastard. 

Lucifer: Thank you. Now if you will excuse me for a moment, I have to check on Levi and Satan. 

Lucifer stands up and walks a small distance away as he calls his brothers. 

Mom: Levi, Lucifer and Satan... One of these things is not like the others...

Mom, are you okay up there?

Lucifer: Levi, I'm busy right now. What did Satan do?

Satan: I didn't do shit! He's the one that nearly killed the guy! 

Levi: You're the one that flipped out on the kid that stepped on a cat's tail!

Satan: It was just a reaction! And anyway you're the one that screwed up! Why are you dragging me into it!?

Lucifer and Annelie both sigh. 

Lucifer: I guess I should be thankful it's not Belphie...

Annelie: Or Mammon. 

Lucifer: I have a feeling I’ll hear about that on the news before he tells me himself. 

Annelie: I have aspirin and antacids in the bathroom cabinet if you’re interested. 

Lucifer: Thank you, Annelie...

Annelie: I might have some oatmeal raisin cookies too?

Dad: Sorry, I ate those a while ago. Couldn’t resist.

Annelie’s father sheepishly smiles.  

Annelie: Ah. Well, they’re not for everyone anyway. 

Dad: I’m pretty sure we have the ingredients for them. 

He gets up from his spot and claps Lucifer on the shoulder. Lucifer glances at him as he slowly starts pulling him into the kitchen. 

Dad: Come on, son. 

Lucifer: ...son?

Dad: Want me to call you laddie instead?

Annelie’s dad sends him a knowing, antagonistic smirk. 

Lucifer: ...no. Son is fine. 

Lucifer smiles faintly, and Annelie sniffles at the sight. Her mother sighs. 

Annelie: I should come with to make sure those cookies don’t turn out spicy as hell. 

Lucifer: ...

Lucifer playfully cuffs Annelie on the ear, and she laughs. 

Dad: I promise I’ll limit the red pepper this time. 

Lucifer: ...?

Annelie: You’re not the only person I’ve dealt with who made his sweets too spicy. 

Admittedly, he does it on purpose. 

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 1999 I overslept today and didn’t get up till an hour after my alarm was supposed to go off. Thank God that’s all it was. I don’t know why it didn’t go off. It wasn’t set when I checked it, but last night I could’ve sworn it was set.

I didn’t get into my trip to the dentist yet. I gave Tisha the phone number here and our PO Box, and we briefly discussed how we were staying in a short-term rental place while we were having a manufactured home built. Melanie asked me about it, saying she overheard my conversation with Tisha. I told her about it and that I may have to drop her for another ortho. She didn’t comment about that either way, but I tell you, she’d be happy to get rid of me. I always got the impression she didn’t like me much. Good-looking people rarely do, and I guess it’s fair to say I have done enough whining and complaining along the way, that’s for sure!

So, she took me to a room in back I’ve never been in before and the doctor came in a few minutes later and gave me two shots of Novocain. He filled my fillings, then filed my “hill” down. The bottom teeth were sort of uphill towards the right, so I had him file the tops of the left side teeth which were taller, and it looks better.

He also gave me a home fluoride treatment. It’s a tube of toothpaste with fluoride that I brush on as I’d normally brush my teeth after I’ve brushed my teeth with regular toothpaste, then I’m not to rinse it out. It’s to hopefully harden up my enamel. A part of why I could be getting so many cavities is cuz my teeth are too soft.

Later…

Tom got in with the groceries, ate, made some phone calls, beat me by two points at a game of miniature golf on the computer, then went to bed.

They’re still fucking painting and they called a little while ago wanting to paint our door. Tom said he saw them painting the doors purple as he was coming in. He told them today and tomorrow wouldn’t be convenient. They should just fucking wait till we leave. I’m sick of apartments out here! They always have to interfere with your life and have something going on. Why are apartments so obsessed with always having something going on? Do they feel it’ll help them do better business if they appear to always be working on some project? Well, I’m sorry, but they’re not gonna stink our place up with paint fumes and interrupt our lives at $850 a month. If they want to do that shit, they’ll just have to discount us or something.

I guess the people downstairs, but not directly below us, got fed up and didn’t pay up, cuz there’s a note on their door ordering any locksmith from opening the door. They’ll have to get their stuff at the office.

Despite all their activities, the last couple of days have been a little quieter around here. The black lady below us who is pregnant, had cut the banging down to only banging in spurts. She goes in and out but is home for the most part. The blacks next to us are gone, for the most part, thank God, but from about 4:30-6:30, black and white kids are out screaming their lungs out and I stay in the bedroom with the fan. Thank God their living room and patio are not next to the bedroom! There are 3-5 blacks next door who are friends with some white family that either live at the complex or somewhere nearby. The white woman who was out front yesterday talking to the black woman has a husband who’s one of the painters here, according to Tom. The black below us has a van, and I can see it from the bathroom window when it’s here. Nonetheless, see what I mean? Black below me, black next to me, black everywhere! Why oh why can’t I have white neighbors?! I feel like God’s rubbing these Mexicans and blacks into my face and forcing them and their wild lifestyles on me. At least Mexicans can’t afford this place and I think I was wrong when I said that there was a huge Mexican family downstairs. To my amazement, though, I haven’t heard bassy music. Just bangs, screams, and the sanding/painting work.

It’s hard to suddenly undo four years’ worth of damage and just be OK with blacks and Mexicans. It’s like if a woman gets raped - well, she’s not gonna be thrilled with the idea of guys for a while afterward, is she? Getting shit on and abused for no reason whatsoever by a pack of blacks for three years, then by a pack of Mexicans for four months, is not gonna be easily forgotten. It’s just like with the NHA and other people/places that have wronged me. I can’t just spring back and lose my general prejudice toward these people overnight. It’s going to take time. In fact, I may always be uncomfortable around these people for the rest of my life. The damage is done and it may be too late. Again, I wasn’t born a natural racist. I’m only the racist that they made me. However, if a black or Hispanic person is friendly to me, I can be friendly right back.

Tomorrow we’re gonna make a day of it and go out to Casa Grande to pay for the land, as well as check out some stores.

Later…

I should get writing before the late afternoon/early evening banging starts and breaks my concentration.

I’m having mid-cycle spotting again. More so than last month. It’s really weird how I do that a lot these days.

Tom was out at the property the other day and he says it’s big. He said it took him about 200 steps to walk across the property and that it’d probably take me 300 steps. He says you’d be tired after walking along the edge of the property. The bad news, though, is that there are tons of big, slow, black ants that no doubt bite just like the little red fire ants do. That sucks. I was hoping there’d be fewer ants, bees, and spiders out there, but it looks like I hoped wrong.

I trimmed Rapunzel’s hair cuz I thought it looked funny the way it was so overly long and brought it to the hem of her dress. It was too long, past her feet, after all. Especially with her wide-skirted dress. Anne, Edie, Summer Dream, Victoria, Lollipops, and Christina are in the living room, and in the bedroom, I had Patrice, Bailey, Maria, Katie, Ashley, Giselle, Liselle, Mary, and Falling Star. Well, due to all the activity around here, I decided to pack most of the dolls, so now I only have 5 dolls to hide in the closet on maid service day, which will be Patrice, Bailey, Maria, Falling Star, and Summer Dream.

I took pictures of the way the dolls were set up before I packed most of them, including pictures of my teeth with and without the retainers. I’ll make sure Dureen, Art and Tammy get copies of those, along with other pictures I said I intended to send them after we get settled in the house.

Like a lot of businesses, Ashton-Drake’s pretty pushy. They send envelopes with ads for just one doll at a time, with little posters of the dolls, so I started saving them and maybe I’ll make a little doll poster wall after I’ve collected a handful.

It’s definitely true that no two dolls are alike. Not even if they’re the same doll. Giselle and Liselle are of the same mold, of course, but due to the way no two bodies are stuffed alike, they have slightly different poses. Giselle appears to be leaning slightly to the right, while Liselle appears to be leaning slightly to the left.

Later…

It’s getting close to time for next door’s antics. In fact, I can already hear the screaming, so I’ll write later and maybe put my cordless headphones on.

Later…

OK, I’ve got my headphones on so I can’t hear the rude blacks next door on their daily banging spree. They do this mainly around lunchtime and dinnertime.

The time passes way too slowly here. I get bored a lot, and last night I was bored to the point of depression. I worry about if the book-writing doesn’t work out. God, I hope it does, cuz I’ll spend my years dying of sheer boredom after the house is all set up if I don’t have something consistent to do besides my hobbies. No, I still don’t want a kid. I don’t want to be run ragged either and have no life at all.

Yesterday we checked out some shops and found a lot of Indian dolls. The most impressive doll of all who looked a lot like Chyna was $1,200. They had a few adult Indian dolls that were pretty nice and that weren’t too expensive and some baby ones. At first I wasn’t impressed with the baby ones, but then they grew on me. They’re different, and I may get a couple, but not there cuz we can find them cheaper in other places.

I almost bought a $200 redheaded doll that was about 28”, but her outfit was a little too conservative and dull, and one of her eyelashes was screwed up. She just didn’t quite speak to me, although I do hope to have a redhead someday to add to the variety. Tom liked her face, though she didn’t look real at all. I was surprised at how lightweight she was. She had less porcelain than Ciara does.

We also stopped at Denny’s and I got a delicious steak and egg dinner. On our way out, Tom almost won me a stuffed animal. They have these glass cages with stuffed animals, and you get 30 seconds to try to grab one with a claw.

It’s funny, but I find myself wondering about that Mexican girl named Linda who wanted me really bad and whom I had met at the first club I ever danced at. I was living next to Andy and the butch at the Vista at the time, and never had I had a woman pursue me like she did! I had always fantasized about a woman chasing me like that too, but she just scared the shit out of me. I remember other dancers saying she looked hard-core, and she even came in with a few guys. She was extremely persistent, that’s for sure. What I wonder is - just what would have really happened if I’d let her come to my place? Would it have been fun? Or would it have been a nightmare? She just seemed so male, so that’s what scared me. I immediately got the feeling she could be violent or into rough sex, so I followed my gut and never met with her. I’ll still always wonder for the rest of my life if my gut instinct was right about her or not, but I’m sure it was.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 1999 Tom’s taking a little nap now, then we’ll be heading out to do some errands. He got the almost $21,000 check today from the house. Speaking of which, we were there yesterday. The house is completely empty save for a little bit of trash on the back patio and some hazardous waste materials in the garage. We didn’t do any more cleaning or vacuuming, either. He let their realtor know of this and he came and got the keys, saying something about the H's having till November 1st to move in. Tom questioned if he heard wrong and he really said October 1st, but it sounds like they’re gonna recarpet and maybe remodel too, before they move in. We know they can afford to. We’ll have to go by there a few years from now and see what it looks like.

Every single piece of furniture he put in the alley, including an old microfiche, was taken. Someone that knew we were moving was no doubt waiting around to see what they could get. I think most of the stuff ended up with the Mexicans, but according to Tom, they may not have been the ones to swipe the couch. I thought he had said he had it up against the block wall in the alley, but he had it by the garage on W. Weldon, and as he pointed out - they never drive by that way. They always go down N. 21 Ave. Well, it’s nice that someone, be it those assholes or not, could use the stuff.

It sure was nice seeing all the rooms empty and echoing. All the wonderful and shitty memories that place holds! Still, that house doesn’t come close to the kinds of shitty memories places back east I’ve lived in hold for me. The worst thing I really had to go through in that house was wanting the kid I couldn’t have, and the sexual games and frustrations, but that’s nothing compared to what I’ve had to endure back east. Besides, I don’t even want a baby anymore, and sex is a very low priority for me and I couldn’t really care less about what happens in bed these days. I’m bored by it all lately.

There was a makeup sample in the front door which I took, containing some foundation and some lipstick. I need to get some kind of a liquid foundation to give myself a smoother complexion. My skin’s so blotchy and because I’m so white, you can see ugly-looking veins in my face.

They disconnected the phone yesterday, but the electricity was still on when we were over there, so I hope they’ve shut that off by now.

We got a cell phone the other day.

Speaking of phones, damn are Larry, Tammy, Dureen and Art going to have huge phone bills on Thursday! That’s when Larry, Dureen and Art should receive their mail, and you know they’ll run and call each other about it. Tammy won’t actually get her mail till we get around to sending the manila envelopes out, which he’s making me wait on. Yes, he’s busy, but I still know how much he likes to make me wait on things.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 1999 Yesterday my allergies were going off for hours and I thought I had a touch of a cold. I still felt like a cold was just starting when I awoke, but my body quickly rejected it. It’s like I’ve become the opposite of how I was in Springfield. Instead of always being sick, I hardly ever get sick.

Last night I only woke up twice. Once cuz I was thirsty, and then just because. But when I got up at 7:30, I didn’t feel well-rested at all. In fact, I laid down for a couple more hours and almost fell back asleep.

Tom says he thinks my alarm may’ve woken up next door, cuz as soon as the alarm went off, he heard water running. I don’t give a shit if it did, but water has been running all day, and downstairs has been banging around since I’ve been up. Someone’s been running water for a minute or so every few minutes. What could someone want with so much water? I can’t always tell which direction sounds are coming from, but so far, it seems I’ve heard downstairs mostly. And maybe a little bit on the bedroom side, but not the blacks on the living room side yet.

After Tom went to dump our trash, he said there were only two machines in the laundry room. That sucks. We’ll be going to a Laundromat for sure, cuz those two machines will no doubt always be in use. He also said they were painting again. On a Sunday?! Well, I haven’t heard them. Except for people bopping around in the building, I haven’t heard any outdoor noise yet.

At around 11:00, an hour after Tom headed for the Phoenix house, I went to the pool. The water looked fine and it wasn’t as cold as I thought it’d be. There was a very nice woman with a 5-year-old girl and girl/boy twins at 3 years of age. She really seemed like one of those rare kinds that we need more of. She was polite and seemed to be a great mother. She doesn’t let her kids go off on wild tangents. She’d discipline them and tell them not to splash when they’d start splashing. She’d tell them to quiet down too, when they got too loud. It’s nice to see considerate people for a change.

I was there for about ten minutes and we basically talked about the apartments. She and her family will be here for a week. They’re on the first floor, she says, cuz the kids would drive anyone that was below them crazy. Again, it’s nice to know there are some parents out there who consider things like this. These walls are really no different than what you’d find for interior walls in a house, and they’re really no different than the Vista and Crystal Creek. I knew the guy was full of shit when he said they were close to soundproof. They’re not even close.

Our old couch is already gone. He called from the house saying he had gotten it up against the block wall in the alley and by the time he returned with something else, it was already gone. I told him not to worry about overcrowding the alley, cuz virtually everything will be gone in no time. He says he doubts it, but I think the Mexicans took it. If they really do know we’re moving then they’re probably watching to see what they can get. You know they don’t want to work for and earn anything. Also, judging by the speed it was gone and by the fact that at least two people had to be nearby to whisk it away that fast, I’d say it was them. Lastly, I didn’t see any couch in their living room when I was at their door bitching about those two little cocks in the white car the day we talked. It’s kind of a funny thought. I mean, do they know just how many conversations I’ve had about them while on that couch? If only they knew!

It’s subsided for now, but the banging had really picked up for a few minutes there, but due to my position in the apartment, I couldn’t say for sure if it was downstairs or the blacks.

Later…

How weird! Someone’s been running water for about ten seconds to a minute every two minutes. They’ve been doing this for hours. What would someone need with all that water?

There’s still a fairly regular stream of banging and most of it is definitely downstairs. I had gotten a vision of just a guy being down there, but that can’t be the case. Most normal adults wouldn’t make that much noise, except for those deliberately trying to make their neighbors’ lives hell. There’s got to be kids down there making all that racket.

The question is - will these people go to school/work starting tomorrow? Somehow I doubt it. I think most of these kids surrounding our apartment are too young for that and they, or someone, will be home all day bopping around. Anyone below or next to us will be home, I’m sure. God will see to it. As long as I can keep my schedule and it stays quiet at night.

I think I forgot to mention this, but about a week ago Andy got fired. Hey, what a surprise, huh? First he said he lost his job, then he said he didn’t like it. What really happened was that he made them fire him. He’s one hell of a fire freak, that’s for sure! What’s he gonna do when he’s too old to work? I mean, he’s not gonna have shit pension-wise, and since God doesn’t love him as much as he thinks he does, he’s gonna really be in for a surprise when he sees that his so-called buddy God doesn’t take care of him in ways he expects him to.

Later…

The banging has gotten to be less steady. It’s now down to coming in spurts.

I guess Tom will be home soon. I hope so, cuz we still have to go to the grocery store and he has to work tonight.

For now, I’m pretty damn bored and I don’t think I can concentrate on reading or working on my story. I may not get to those things until we get to the house.

I do intend to work on Giselle when she gets here to make her look different from Liselle. I might add beads to the skirt of her dress.

No more calls from Dureen. I’m not surprised. The idea was for me to see the number and decide whether or not to return the call. Well, that decision was made over a year ago. What happened in the past is done and over with and it’s in the past. I just want it to stay that way and not let history repeat itself.

Later…

Tom just called again saying it’d be another couple of hours and that he wasn’t gonna clean. That’s fine, cuz I think I cleaned the place well enough. If they want it any cleaner, let them do it.

Meanwhile, things are a little quieter around here, but I’m so fucking bored! I could go to the pool, but that’s boring.

Later…

I wish Tom would get in! He has to work tonight and I’m really worried about him. He played hooky both Wednesday and Thursday nights last week, but there are only so many days he can afford to do that. Luckily, though, he has vacation time coming up. A week off just doesn’t seem like enough to get shit done, though. He needs a few months off!

Tomorrow he has to sign the closing papers and take me to Mel’s. I hope he’ll be alright, but with the looks of it, it doesn’t look like he’ll be able to catch up on his sleep till Tuesday.

Blackie and whitey are out front playing football again this evening.

Downstairs shut up for a couple of hours, then decided it was time to start up with the banging again just as I had settled down to read, so I turned the fan on. The fact that most of the downstairs noise is coming from the bedroom also tells me there are kids down there. Wouldn’t an adult hang out in the living room? I think there have been kids playing down there all day and that the bed’s headboard is what’s banging against the wall. Some of the sounds are probably the kids banging dresser drawers, closet drawers, and God knows what else. I’m surprised I don’t hear any voices.

Except for a couple of loud car stereos, outside’s been pretty quiet today, but I’ll bet it’ll be quite hectic out there tomorrow with landscapers. I hated that at the other apartments! All in all, noise-wise this place is between the NHA and the two complexes I lived at in Phoenix.

I wonder if Sundays are the main check-out day or if people check out all different days of the week?

I was glad to have my mattress pad back last night, cuz this bed’s hard as a rock.

Food smells from people cooking nearby really seep in here well. I hate food smells, pleasant or not. All they do is make me hungry.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 1999 The Siesta Suites…

Talk about having a ton of writing to catch up on! It may not be easy, though, cuz right now the apartment’s as noisy as I predicted it’d be. Let me back up and go in order of events first before I get to the current stuff.

We spent most of Wednesday and Thursday loading up the crate. The 40-something-year-old cock with the gold car came in as we were having the crate delivered, accompanied by some bitch. I don’t think it was Deb, though. The hair looked too light. Maybe it was Fanny or someone else I’ve never seen before.

Goodwill won’t take our old furniture. They won’t take anything old or broken. That’s ridiculous! I mean, what do you expect for hand-me-outs? Brand new stuff? I don’t think so!

Late afternoon on Wednesday we stopped at Wal-Mart before going to Steven’s. I got a $16, 17”, blue-eyed, blond-haired doll. Her hair is really long, too. Nearly to her ankles. It’s straight. She wears a deep purple dress with white lace. I can’t believe she and Ashley cost about $30 while Anne and Edie cost nearly $80! Anne and Edie aren’t quite as nice either, and they’re the same size. Anyway, I put her in the box she came in, along with Angel. There was room to squeeze her in there too, and I’m gonna store both of them. The only dolls I have here are Bailey, Maria, Rapunzel, Patrice, and Summer Dream.

I named Meagan myself cuz she didn’t come with a name. In her box was a card asking for doll info which I filled out. They asked what I named the doll, how many dolls I had, where I got them, what my favorite hair and eye color were, etc.

When I was doing Bailey’s hair, which had gotten all messed up, her rubber bands crumbled to pieces, so I just left her hair down but saved her ribbons.

I’m hoping to order Sekarina and Chyna, or at least just Chyna if they still don’t have Sekarina, next Thursday. That’s about when we should know more about what’s going on with the house and what the money situation will be like.

I discovered a doll store nearby where we are right now in Scottsdale, which I sometimes call Snottsdale, and I may check it out. I figured that I’d first try to get Sekarina, Chyna, and Marisa, then check out stores, then raid Ashton-Drake with any leftover money.

Later…

After I got Meagan, we went to Steven’s, and what a house! It’s beautiful! Very different from what we’re getting. It’d be perfect for me if I was single, but again, the houses were just too damn close. You could hear his neighbor’s dogs, people shouting on the street, etc. The house was cool looking, though, and very modern. I loved the plush champagne pink carpet and decided to get that instead of the sculptured spice carpet, which was nice, but quite dark. This carpet’s more expensive, but it’s better and just so gorgeous. Just what I always envisioned color-wise.

It gets even better, though. He had one of those trees that’s about 6’ tall with beautiful pink flowers that I’ve always wanted. Well, he saved me over $100 of decoration expenses cuz he gave it to me!!! I couldn’t believe I got my dream flower tree for free! He gave it to me saying his kittens tear it up.

I was right about suspecting he’s gay. Hilda, his assistant, is at least 50 years old, but Tommy, the guy living there and helping him with his work, was definitely his boyfriend. So, between that, the pink carpet, and the pink flower tree, it was more than obvious.

Anyway, we have to go back to his house again, cuz he needs to find prices on some of the options, like my wanting to get two linen cabinets instead of two sinks in the master bath. This isn’t a regular option, so it’ll take some checking into.

Yesterday’s packing last-minute things, making trips over here, and fighting with traffic was very stressful. We were both pretty tense, and I nearly beat the shit out of a cock for pulling out and hitting us in Jack-n-the-Box’s parking lot. He barely tapped us, though, and the car was fine, but boy is that cock lucky! I was so close to just jumping out of the car and totally attacking him.

So, after we made two trips over here, we called it quits (the first trip here he forgot how to get here, and I of all people, was the one who remembered the streets and guided him, believe it or not!). They’re not picking up the crate till Monday, so he’s over there now finishing the packing of the crate and hauling out old furniture to the alley. We’re surprised we don’t have a scheduled walk-through. I mean, doesn’t he have to give them the keys on Monday?

I was going to mail the letters that are in regular envelopes myself by bringing them to the office, but instead of doing that today, I’m going to do it Monday. I want to make sure that house is legally out of our hands first and that the phone’s disconnected like it’s supposed to be on Monday. I once received mail on a Monday that had been mailed out from the east on a Saturday. That’s why I don’t want to mail anything out today. There’s always that slight chance they could get their mail Monday and contact us about it if there’s any delay with the phone and the house. I’ll have five envelopes and two postcards. One of the postcards is the first of two tests I’m going to do to see how well the forwarding works. I addressed this postcard to Tom to see if it gets to the PO Box in Tempe we opened up with no problems. Then, just shy of a year from moving, I’ll send another card to see if he gets it. The other postcard will be to Larry. There’ll be two envelopes to Dureen and Art, and two to the city giving them the final piece of my mind on lazy bums like next door and the ones before it. I’m using two different city addresses. Also, there’ll be an envelope with my final thoughts on the collies and their barking I had to listen to pretty damn consistently for six years. It’s over, though! It’s finally over! Never again will I have to hear those beasts!

I will have six manila envelopes - two for the black bitch, one for the Mexicans, then one for Tammy, Larry, and Andy.

Later…

It is extremely noisy here just as I knew it’d be, but so far, it seems to only be during the daytime. I did, believe it or not, sleep from 11 PM-7:30 AM. I woke up a few times, but it was just because. Not due to noise. Not yet, anyway. There’s definitely no way I could sleep during the day here. It’s just too noisy, and thank God I changed my wake-up time from 8:30 to 7:30, cuz at about 8:00 is when all the banging, slamming, and outside work starts. Last night, all we heard were a few subtle bangs from below, next door, or wherever, but nothing major.

I was right on another thing too - there are blacks next door to me. What else is new, huh? I’m a magnet for them. However, this girl, who was sitting out front when I came up here, seemed much nicer than a certain bitch I used to know once upon a time in Phoenix. She smiled at me and I smiled back.

I’m glad the people at the end of this strip on the bottom aren’t next to us. Huge Mexican family.

Tom, who got up before me, said it was a ghost town, but right after he left, they were making quite a racket when painting the back wall of the building. There are single-paned windows here too, so you can imagine just how well I could hear the clanking of their ladders, their shouting to one another, and the music they were blaring. They nearly smashed the kitchen window when they were covering it to paint around it. I couldn’t believe management would allow such noise and chaos around here early on a Saturday, but then again I can. It’s quiet here, my ass! I knew that cock was full of shit! Maybe it is, though. When I’m not here. If they’re doing all this shit on a Saturday, I hate to see what the regular work week will be like!

Then, after about an hour of listening to them paint, a tremendously loud car stereo rocked the building, but I couldn’t say if it was driving by the complex or if it lived here.

Then the blacks next door got into a fight. At first I thought they were laughing their asses off about something, and I could be wrong, but I think they may’ve been arguing instead, and I could hear shit being slammed and thrown. I’m not sure how many people are next door or who or what they are, but according to Tom, a black woman was babysitting the white boy next door last week when we checked the place out. I only saw the boy, not the black. I have no idea yet what’s on the other side of us or what’s down below us and I don’t care as long as they leave me alone.

Then I heard a sound that I thought was a lawnmower. Then I thought it was next door getting their place vacuumed, but then I said - wait a minute. No vacuum’s that loud, and why all the banging and slamming just to vacuum? So then I heard knocking and I opened the front door to find some cock sanding and hammering the railing in preparation to paint it. Meanwhile, the railing looked fine. It doesn’t even need to be painted.

What is it with Arizona apartments always having to have some big project going on, huh? If it isn’t one thing, it’s another. They’ve always got to have something going on. As soon as they finish painting, they’ll start some other loud, long, major project. I’m sure they’ll be up on the roof next.

Later…

Tom called from the house. He said everything won’t fit in the crate. I told him so. So, he’s getting a mini storage thing also.

He’s gonna haul out the old furniture to the back of the garage and put a “free” sign on it, which I hope won’t be all the more obvious of a sign to the local bums that the house is vacant. If he has any trouble hauling it, he’ll have me go back with him tomorrow to help.

As fate would have it, and it fucking figures too, and I just knew this would happen within days of moving, Dureen called looking for sympathy. She never left a message, though. This just goes to show just how desperate she is to get me back into the same old vicious cycle I went through with her and her associates for 32 years. Well, it’s not gonna happen. They’ll get my letters, then some pictures of Tom, the animals, dolls, and the new house, and that’s it. There’s also one picture of me before and after cutting my hair.

This is the second time she’s called to leave their number for show, hoping I’d be dumb enough to be snared into her trap again. It’s only been four months since her last call, too. I suppose Tammy’s gonna try next. God, just have her wait two more days! Just two more days!

Also, Tom says that they’ll paint everything, whether it needs it or not, cuz there’s no sense in them hiring painters to do the building, then come back and do the railings a few months later. Whatever. All I know is that it’s gonna be one thing after another here, and I’m really damn lucky I finally figured out how to keep a schedule. Thank you, God, for that much! I just hope nothing fucks it up.

Monday, I’m going to send the message I’ve been planning to send Marla, explaining why I felt it was best to walk away from Andy.

I also decided to go ahead, after all, and end my ties with Kim simply because there’s nothing we can really offer each other. She can’t go anywhere alone. She has to bring her current boyfriend out to visit, her friend, and her friend’s friend too, and I don’t need it or want it. I’d want to visit with her. Not her and three other people I don’t even know. I also don’t have any intentions of ever going back to where she is, so what’s the use of being friends? There’s really no point and I can’t be much of a friend to her or offer her much of anything.

I like how the computer’s set up so I can go online without having to string wires. There’s no switchboard here either, by the way. We have a regular number here.

Later…

They’re still painting the railings, but at least it’s not as loud as the sanding was. I wonder how many more days of this painting shit there’ll be. Well, it doesn’t matter. As soon as this is done, it’s off to something else.

I took pictures of the apartment, which I’ll get into describing after I give my back a break. It aches like hell.

Later…

Still a steady stream of bumps and bangs throughout the building. I don’t think it’s all coming from the painters. In fact, they may be done for the day. It’s coming from the surrounding apartments. A black kid and a white kid were screaming outside the door for a few minutes playing, and I’m sure kids will be zipping up and down the patio on and off while we’re here.

Earlier I brewed tea in their coffeemaker, and now I’m making a TV dinner in their little wimpy microwave. Haven’t used their toaster yet.

Later…

We’re scheduled for maid service on 10/6. I’ll hide the dolls in the closet at that time, cuz you just never do know. And all my dolls will be here then, except for maybe Ciara. Tom’s bringing them over. It’ll be nice to have them here.

In our second phone call, I told him about my feelings about having the house look too obviously vacant to everyone in Phoenix if he put the “free” sign out by the furniture, which he agreed to. He says he’s got the furniture pretty much gathered up in back, so tomorrow he can just drag it to the alley. That’s where I said it should go all along, and I tell you, it’ll be gone in no time. If the freeloaders don’t help themselves, someone else will.

The layout of this apartment is nice, but the noise and some other things aren’t worth its cost.

The carpet is really dumpy and is as hard as concrete. Thank God for my exercise mat or else I wouldn’t be able to sit in the yoga-style position I like to sit in when listening to music. It’s a brownish color in the living room and a dark blue-gray color in the bedroom.

The white, porcelain sinks are peeling, and the tub’s got brown water stains on it. The water itself was brown for the first minute I had it on to shower with. Also, some of the white towels are stained, and the bathroom’s only outlet is way up where the lights are. So, we’ve got the toothbrushes charging in the kitchen. Still, the bathroom’s way nicer than what we had in Phoenix.

I was surprised to find a comforter on the bed, rather than a regular blanket.

The bathroom, little hallway, and kitchen have vinyl flooring with squares of whites, light grays, and light blues.

There’s a pink and white curtain in the frosted bathroom window, horizontal blinds in the kitchen, and dark teal drapes in the bedroom and living room windows. The living room window’s huge. It’s about 8’ wide and goes from the floor to the ceiling. I keep the drapes drawn, though, cuz it helps a little bit with sound, and it blocks too much sun and light from coming in here. I also like my privacy and don’t care to see the constant stream of people walking by.

The exterior walls and walls in between apartments are of brick and the rest is a regular smooth wall. Everything that’s not part of the floor, carpet, or drapes is white. The walls are white, the counters and cabinets are white, and so are the appliances. But it’s bright and cheerful compared to the dull browns, golds, and oranges in Phoenix.

At night the bedroom is so lit up due to the light outside that I can almost read my CD titles.

So they say that their animal policy is that you have to remove any noisy animal within two hours, and if you don’t, you’re immediately evicted, but I don’t buy it. I’m sure people with barking dogs could get away with it for a while and that it’d take several people complaining before any action was taken.

According to their inventory list, the linens consist of 3 bath towels, 2 hand towels, 3 washcloths, 2 pillowcases, 1 bottom sheet per bed (I don’t know if the hide-away bed in the couch is made up), 1 top sheet per bed, 1 kitchen towel, 2 rolls toilet paper (only provided during a maid service).

Also, 1 saucepan, 1 frying pan, 4 plates, 4 coffee cups, 4 saucers, 4 cereal bowls, 4 water glasses, 4 juice glasses, 4 forks, 4 knives, 4 spoons, 1 cutting knife, 1 large spoon, 1 spatula, 1 can opener, 1 dish rack, 1 mixing bowl, 1 shower curtain, 1 bathroom curtain, 1 dustpan, 1 broom, 2 ice cube trays, 2 garbage cans, 2 pillows, 1 mattress pad per bed, 1 blanket per bed, 1 bedspread per bed. These last two make no sense. They don’t give you a blanket and a bedspread, you get a fitted sheet, a cover sheet, and a comforter. Also, there’s 1 ice cube tray, not 2.

Lastly, you get 1 TV, 1 cable box, 1 remote control, 1 microwave, 1 coffeemaker, 1 toaster, and 1 refrigerator/freezer.

I’ve finally managed to write just over four pages during all the commotion today, and now I’m fighting to stay awake. I had a bad allergy attack, so I had to take Benadryl.

Later…

I’m still pretty groggy, but managing to stay awake.

The thing I like about the layout is that the kitchen is further away from the bedroom, and the bedrooms are back to back. Meaning, to each side of every bedroom, is your living room and someone else’s bedroom. If someone’s kitchen was behind the bedroom wall, then all the bumps and banging of cabinets and shit like that would be much louder. It’s definitely louder in the living room/kitchen side of the apartment, versus the bedroom/bath side. I also like how you can’t see into the living room from the bedroom. In Phoenix, I felt like the living room and bedroom were almost connected.

I like the storage in here. There’s not only a good-sized closet in the bedroom, but a walk-in closet, plus a little closet with shelves in between the kitchen and bathroom.

There’s a big square pillar-like thing with a couple of cabinets in it by the eating counter where the computer is. The shorter cabinet up top has phonebooks in it, and the longer one below it has a broom and a dustpan. This is where I’m storing our boxes.

Due to the extra counter space in the bathroom, and not needing all the bath stuff in such a short time, I only put things on the counter, the two cabinets below the sink, and one of the four little drawers.

There’s a full-length mirror on the bathroom and bedroom doors, as well as a large one over the bedroom dresser.

For furniture, there’s a long dresser in the bedroom with two chairs on the ends and a lamp on this dresser. There are two little wall lamps above the bed and one night table (the lamps have fluorescent bulbs). There are three chairs and a stool in the living room and three small tables. One’s at either side of the couch and one’s in front of it. There’s also a computer desk, which the TV’s on.

While we’re here, we’ll both be using my computer. We didn’t bring the scanner.

Tom wanted some type of countdown for the month we paid for here, so I made a screensaver countdown. I can’t believe we paid so much money for all this banging! This is almost as bad as the NHA, but that’s apartment living in Arizona for you. So, we have at least 29 days to bump and bang here, then we’ll go do it somewhere else, stay here, or pitch a tent or a trailer on the land. Come October 7th, it’s ours to do what we want.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 1999 At Tom’s suggestion, I took today off as far as getting up when the alarm went off and I got caught up on my sleep. I would’ve been fine if I’d stayed asleep last night the first time I fell asleep. I did fall asleep earlier, at 8:00, but then I woke up to pee at 10:30, was tight, and couldn’t get back to sleep till 1:00. Anyway, I was so tired that I slept straight through from 1:00 to 11:45 this morning.

I’ve been a little tight due to the mix of emotions. I’m psyched to get out of here, but I’m nervous about the apartment, hotel, whatever you want to call it. He says it won’t be noisy, but I know better. It’ll be noisy when I get there, just because I’m there. I got my new inhaler, which is called Flovent and is supposed to be just like Vanceril, so that should kick in soon.

He got the PO Box today.

Tomorrow, they’re gonna be doing a termite inspection at 9:00, so I’ll be wicked tired tomorrow. I won’t get to sleep till 4:00-6:00 and will have to get up at 8:00. Tom said he’d get me up with a doggie mug (a regular cup of caffeine coffee). How sweet.

I went online to check out that JBS dolls store. The one that’s really a distributor in Kingman and not a store in Phoenix. They should be opening the doll store they said was to open in Mesa in about ten days. I found one site and it started by loading a picture of a gorgeous Indian doll, but then it’d crash. It fucking figures, too. I have such shit doll luck! I’m still not sure if I’m gonna get dolls from stores, online, from the home shopping channel, or from Ashton-Drake. They may still not have Sekarina on the home shopping channel, and who knows when Marisa, the doll I found online, will be back in stock again. There’s a New Jersey number we can call to try to find out.

I really believe, though, that something’s trying to tell me - no, you cannot get a doll from a store this time around. First the mall store changed for the worse, then the wild goose chase, and now I can’t get into this site. And this JBS doll store is totally me. So, I’m just gonna call it quits as far as store-bought dolls go, and just order the 5 Ashton-Drake dolls I’ve picked out, and Chyna, and hope I can get Sekarina and Marisa, too.

I changed my mail controls so anyone can email me, and I emailed the people handling Marisa and asked if they could tell me when she’ll be back in stock.

Later…

That was fast! I was told they couldn’t anticipate when they’ll start deliveries again, cuz they’re moving their warehouse. It fucking figures! So now I can’t get Marisa either, cuz if she doesn’t know when they’ll be delivering again, it’s not going to be for a long time. Shit! Now I may not be able to get the top two dolls I picked out.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 1999 Tom’s cleaning the garage out some more and blowing old oil gravel out with the blower. Yesterday, we were talking about my singing in the apartment, and Mr. Paranoid was telling me how people in Arizona tend to be noisier the noisier you are. Well, that hasn’t been my experience. Who was being noisy for that little boy to be so noisy? What kind of noise did I dish out to the NHA, to the mad butch at the Vista, to the blacks, and to the Mexicans, to deserve the noise they threw at me? Sorry, but noisy people don’t need excuses. If they’re gonna be noisy, they’re gonna be noisy no matter what. Anyway, no one’s ever complained yet about my singing, and I’ll tell you one thing for sure - I don’t care. The people out here never cared about their noise, so I don’t care about mine. Until and if I get a complaint about my singing, I shall go about my business as usual. Naturally, I’ll use common sense, though, and I won’t go singing late at night. As for my stereo - I’ll be using headphones for the most part like I do anyway, so there’ll be no problem there. I was pretty tired yesterday so I took a nap after we came home. It’s been easier to take naps lately, but maybe that’s because I don’t sleep till I’ve had enough sleep and I wake up on my own anymore. I’ve been getting up, tired or not. It’s been a little harder getting up today and yesterday, but tonight, hopefully I’ll fall asleep earlier and catch up.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 1999 We’re coming to the end of our final weekend in Phoenix!!!

I’ve even decided to bring to an end the freeloader file and seal up their envelope. I’m also gonna chance that Andy won’t be coming over demanding his phone message tape for any reason and I’m gonna seal his envelope up, too.

The weekend was quiet. All I heard was a few bouts of some guys yelling about some shit or another next door last night, but I turned the fan on and tuned them right out of my night. Also, there were a few bouts of kids screaming, too. No music, though, so they were tolerable.

On Friday there was a navy and white striped pickup with rails just like what the cream pickup has. It was just loading a ladder onto its rails when I stepped up to the window. Why they’d need a ladder when they’ve got the city and their ladders at their beck and call beats me. That day, Deb was wearing a white shirt and black shorts and she had that ridiculous poodle pom-pom. She also had what may’ve been a baby bag with red straps and Winnie the Pooh on it. The girl that cut her hair had on blue shorts and a blue striped shirt. Lady butch was out running around today in the yard and in the street with an adult female, the black girl she’s buddies with that lives nearby, and a couple of other fellow kids.

The red car was here last night, and earlier at around 5 PM, the blue pickup was here. I saw Deb leave with two guys in the back of it. Inside it was 2-3 people. Deb was wearing all black, and this time, instead of her pom-pom, she had her hair in a ponytail that fell to the middle of her back. She looked more Mexican than I’d ever seen her look before.

Today, the blue pickup was over from around 3 PM-4 PM, and so was the gold car. Deb’s parents' gold car, I believe.

They���ve done everything I’ve predicted they’d do so far except getting a dog. The company’s coming earlier now that it’s cooling down and they’re no longer hanging outside during the dark hours.

Lastly, the van moved. I haven’t seen anyone driving it, but it’s no longer deep in the carport. It’s just inside it.

Later…

The manufacturers have suddenly decided to stop making Vanceril, the preventative inhaler I use, so tomorrow he’s gonna fight with Dr. Brown’s office to get something else. I hope to hell Tom’s right when he says he thinks I’ll be 90% better once we leave the valley, and maybe I can just go without these damn inhalers, cuz I’m sick of there being a problem getting them every other time I call for them.

We made reservations to stay in an apartment in Mesa. They’re short-term rentals that are just like hotels, only you get a kitchen, a bedroom, and a little more space. However, we’re going to cancel the reservations, cuz when Tom called back and asked about pets after he forgot to in the first place, they said no pets allowed.

Tom looked at other places by himself that he thought were too dumpy, then today, we went together to the Siesta Suites in Scottsdale.

They consist of two two-story little strips - one’s studios, the other’s 1-bedrooms. There’s a pool in between the ends of the strips. No Jacuzzi. Tom said he’d prefer it if I went to the pool with him at first and not by myself cuz it didn’t look too healthy. Well, I always prefer to swim with him than alone, but why do I get the feeling he’s just worried I’ll have a problem with someone? I don’t need a babysitter if I’m right about his motives, and there’ll be no problems with people unless they make problems. And like I told paranoid Tom, who’s worried about me going off on someone there, if someone makes trouble, I’ll call the office. It won’t do me a damn bit of good, but I’ll start with that, and I’ll tell you something else for damn sure - if I ever “go off” on someone again in my life, it won’t be with words.

Yes, it is going to be noisy, even though Tom doesn’t think so. I know my construction when it comes to apartments in Arizona, and there’s a little kid next door to where we’ll be on the second floor. Tom questioned my taking a room right by it, but I can just fan out its screaming. It’s people’s movements within the building and car stereos that will be the biggest noise source. And I know God and my shit luck. Even if the rooms next to us were empty, God would make sure little kids and other noisy people were right next to us. I always get the noisy people no matter where I go, so what the hell? Why try to fight an inevitable fate? It’s the same shit wherever I go. I asked the guy (Chris) if he’d be honest with me if I asked about noise complaints and he said that it’s a brick and concrete structure which isn’t soundproof, but pretty doggone close. In fact, one of the biggest compliments he gets is how quiet it is there. Yeah, right! I should’ve known better than to ask, but even if it is quiet for others, you know it won’t be for me. God just has to sic noise on me wherever I go! Tom was like - but it’s the middle of a Sunday afternoon and no one is out at the pool. Yeah, but I wasn’t there yet. I’m a magnet for noise and once I get there, there’ll be more than a screaming kid out on its front patio playing. Tom said he thinks he’s old enough to be in school. No, he’ll be home all day. Even if he wasn’t, just an hour of feeling the vibration of his footsteps running back and forth, and other people’s footsteps, cabinets, and doors, will be rough enough, but it’s worth it. At least the doors aren’t right smack next to each other like the studio doors were at the Vista. The only thing I wish was that the bedroom was in the back, but that seems to be how it is in most cases. They put the bedroom in the front. At least a car can’t get closer than about 20’-30’ to the windows, rather than 3’.

The guy said there’s concrete between the floors. That’s what Crystal Creek told me, but look how well I could hear those below me and how well they could hear me. Steve, the warped security guard there, told me he could hear every key I’d hit on my electric typewriter.

At least this time around I’ve got things to help me get through this upcoming noisy ordeal that I didn’t have before - a great guy like Tom, the fan, the cordless headphones, the sound machine, the fact that it won’t be longer than a few months, and the fact that I can keep a schedule!

The place is square-shaped, and it’s about 450-500 square feet. Their pictures online made it look bigger than it really is. I’ll be able to give better detail once I’m there, but it has one door opening into the living room that has a hideaway bed in the couch, and a mini entertainment center. The kitchen has a bar area with a stool for eating at, and it’s stocked with the bare necessities. It even has a toaster and a coffeemaker. There’s no dishwasher, but at least I can have the animals. It has a big walk-in closet, a little closet of shelves, the bedroom has a long dresser and night tables, and a nicer bathroom than what we’ve got here cuz it has some counter space. The bedroom had two twin beds in it, but he said it’s one of those adjustable things that can be made into a king-size bed, which is what we told him to do.

They have free maid service every week, and we forgot to ask where the laundry room was.

Later…

I was wrong about saying the bedrooms were in front. I lost my bearings in my mind but Tom reminded me that the parking lot is in back by the kitchen and bath. There’s nothing but a strip of grass and a street on the bedroom and living room side. And patios for kids to play and scream on. I’m sure that little boy will be running up and down the thing making the building feel like an earthquake is shaking it. Meanwhile, the mother won’t do shit about it and discipline it, and if that kid leaves while we’re there, something else will rock the building.

At least there are plenty of outlets for being an older place. Scottsdale is an older town, but when I say something out here’s older, it’s pretty damn young compared to something older in New England.

I decided to take only my 6 most favorite dolls and to store the other 12. I’m taking Bailey, Maria, Patrice, Summer Dream, Rapunzel, and Angel. This way, there’s room for any dolls I may get while I’m there.

I don’t remember if the carpet’s plush or that indoor/outdoor kind like I had in Deerfield. I hope it’s plush.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 1999 Andy just doesn’t get me. I mean, he’s totally clueless! Thank God we’ll only be here for one more week, cuz he’s getting to me again. I’m not pissed, but I am annoyed. I’m gonna remember these times whenever I may feel guilty about disappearing from his life.

He never mentioned Linda in his latest message, but he did excitedly tell me about this new temp job he got as a receptionist and how much he hopes it’ll be a permanent thing (till he makes sure he gets fired). At this point, I said to myself, here comes the God shit I’m so sick of hearing over and over and over. Sure enough, he did go right into God and how much he’s come through for him this year. Then he says not to be mad at God for answering his prayers, and I’m like - what?! God’s answering someone’s prayers never made me mad. All I ever told Andy was that I felt he gave God way too much credit and that God’s mostly mean and vengeful, not loving. To me, he’s insensitive, with not much compassion. Especially when it comes to women. He seems to not care about their hardships and their emotions. He seems to inflict more pain and punishment than not. God may answer a few of Andy’s prayers but look at him and his life in general. He’s still alone, and the main reason he’s alone is cuz of God. So, I get embarrassed for him when he degrades himself by overpraising God. That’s just like a woman or a man boasting about how great their spouse is when in the midst of their being great, they’re also beating the snot out of them. It’s like - wake up, Andy! God’s not all you think he is! If he was, you wouldn’t be where you are today and neither would most people. Yes, I’m truly blessed compared to your average human being, and yes, I’m glad I can’t have a kid and don’t know why I ever wanted one in the first place, but still, God took away my choice and my right to choose, as a woman, whether or not I have a kid, and I’ll never forgive him for that.

Later…

I did it again. I was getting short on sleep, so I was able to fall asleep last night at around 11:00 instead of 1:00-1:30, and I got up just before 8:00 rather than just after 9:00.

I’m glad we’re moving, cuz this new mailman we’ve got isn’t much better than the other one. I’d hang my letters to the mailbox flap with a clothespin. Well, this dude would yank the letter and clothespin off and not have the decency to put the clothespin back, the rude little shit. Tom rarely mails anything from here cuz when he does mail stuff, it’s usually bills, and it’s safer to drop those in a regular mailbox. It’ll be different at the house cuz we’ll have a regular mailbox at the end of the driveway where you put the flag up when you have outgoing mail.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 1999 Tom called about the storage crates today. Instead of getting a couple of crates, we’re gonna get one huge 8x20 crate that’s 8’ 6” high. It’s weather-tight and will be stored in a place with good security. It’ll be here next Wednesday morning. I moved most of the boxes out of the bedrooms and into the living room so that’s a few fewer steps he has to take when it comes time for him to load up the crate.

We’re getting a furnished apartment, and we were talking about getting one with maids to spoil us for a few months, but we’ll see. They’re still all going to be noisy, but I hope I can at least have a dishwasher!

We talked about getting a backup vehicle of some kind when we move. When the car breaks down, it’s not like he can just walk to a bus stop and get to a car parts store easily. So, we might get an old pickup or van.

I shortened the rat’s cage, and you know, I really like it better this way. See, the cage has two square sets of bars that stack on top of each other and sit inside the base, which is like a huge litter box. The top stack of bars has a roof, naturally. Anyway, having the two square sets of bars is a bitch to deal with, cuz it’s harder to lift the two stacks off the base at my height to clean the bass. Especially when it’s up on wheels. But with one set, it’s easy enough to lift off to clean the base and the bars, too. I hope I can find another base (and roof), cuz if I can, I’d rather have two mini cages each with 2-3 rats in them. That way it’s easier to clean the base and the bars. If I have to have it tall again, at least I’ll take it off its wheels. That way, it’d be easier to lift the two stacks of bars off. It also makes vacuuming the sawdust these slobs throw out the cage easier.

For the longest time, I had the rat’s cage right by the back door, but now they’re sitting on top of the drawing table by the shelf where the mice are just inside the back room. That’s right - the H's will be getting a couple of little wall shelves that are in the back room. We certainly don’t want them. They’re so small and they’re not very nice, either.

Andy was getting to be a pest again yesterday with all his calls. His last message to me was that he’d give me a concert review to let me know how Linda was, but I haven’t heard from him.

The voice messaging system is all fucked up again. For a few days, the system was all fouled up, then things were back to normal. However, when I just went to send Andy a message asking about Linda, it wouldn’t let me send it. Fine. Fuck it. I’m sure as hell not going to call direct, cuz he’d no doubt answer since he’s always home and always has his ringer on unless he’s sleeping, and get stuck on the phone with him for 1-3 hours.

Woke up at 108 today cuz I’ve really been watching what I eat. I finally shit yesterday for the first time in a week, so now I’m done with that for a week. I still think it is cuz of the Melatonin for two reasons. One, cuz of God’s theme for me - being different. So, if most people don’t get constipated from something, then I’m more likely to. Two, I think it goes along the lines of his compensation game and making me pay for things, whether or not they’re normal, everyday things or not. Of course he’d make sure I could only shit once a week if I was gonna be allowed to be able to keep a schedule. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up, though. I don’t know how much longer I’ll even want to keep it up. I may want to take a break once we get to the apartment, but I may not be able to sleep there during the daytime with the noise. I may just have to wait till we get to the house, which won’t be till Dec-Jan.

I got a card in the mail from the home shopping channel with an ad about an artist named Rustie and a doll of hers that’ll be airing later this month. I’m not fond of Rustie dolls. I think all her faces look the same and her outfits are too frilly. Also, the hair on this particular doll is hideous, even though it’s long. It’s too bushy and the curls are way too tight. Anyway, it was still cool to get this card, cuz it makes me feel all the more like I’m an official collector. I’m known now for collecting dolls, so I should and will get stuff like this.

Last night, after sifting through all the childbirth, the kids having kids, the druggies who lost custody of their kids, and the like, I saw some pretty neat stuff. As you know, I’m fascinated by airplanes. I love to fly. It’s a total adrenaline rush for me. This was about air disasters. It was a bit scary, but neat anyway. I also saw a documentary on technical disasters such as The Challenger, Chornobyl, The Exxon Valdez, a burst dam in China, and more. Tonight I’m gonna watch a hurricane documentary. Florida’s getting swamped with Hurricane Floyd right now, and that reminds me - typical Andy. He mentioned that there was a big hurricane and wondered how it was affecting my parents. He just had to bring them up. As if he doesn’t know they’re not my favorite topic of discussion. As if I even care about how it’s affecting them?

I wonder about past people I’ve known. I don’t care about them, but I’m curious. Did Kacey ever find another long-term girlfriend? Or did she continue dumping them every other week? Is Brenda still miserable, hanging out with losers? Are her kids still living with her sister? Are Ron and Al still alone like they deserve to be? Whatever happened to Mary C, Emily B, and Crystal C? Is Mary still with John? Did Emily’s third marriage work out? Is Crystal still using and ripping off roommates and attracted to bad boys? I even wonder about Fran. Is his life still the same? Probably. What about Jessie and Steve? I hope they’re happy. What about Tammy W and Anne Marie? What about Denise M from Valleyhead? Is that mean, snobby, insensitive bitch Maliheh still alone as she should be?

Anyway, I can’t believe that in just a couple of days, it’ll be our last weekend here!!!! Next Friday the 24th is when we’re gonna load up the crates. Over the weekend on the 25th and the 26th, he’ll come back and take care of last-minute things and clean the oven with that shit that smells like bleach and makes my lungs tight while I’m at the apt.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1999 Andy made a generous offer earlier. He said he had free tickets to see Linda Ronstadt and Emmylou Harris tonight and that he’d take me. I thought about it but declined cuz he’s about ten years too late. It’s funny how I was once dying to go see her as a teenager and couldn’t cuz I got in trouble for smoking or something like that, but now that I can see her, I decide not to. I would’ve up till I was around 24, though. I was tempted at first, cuz I have been a fan of hers since I was about 9 years old, after all, and since it probably wouldn’t be so wild of a crowd, but then I was like - nah. He’d insist on either taking me to his house afterward or coming here to use the Internet, so nah. And the more I tried to tell him that I just wanted to go straight home afterward without him, he’d push harder to come in or to go somewhere else first. Also, I can’t tell him not to smoke in his own car, so I’d have had to put up with his cigarette smoke. Also, you just don’t get the kind of views you can from TV and videos, and she is old and fat now. I haven’t one stitch of lust left for her. Still, it was nice of Andy to offer.

We ended up going on a wild goose chase today cuz the fucking doll store we thought was in Phoenix is really in Kingman (it didn’t say in the phonebook, so we assumed it was in PHX) and it’s not a regular store. It’s a mail-order service. We called them on the cell phone when we couldn’t find them, and they say they’re opening a regular store in Mesa in a few weeks. I think, though, that after two tries at looking in stores and not finding anything, I might call it quits for now and just get Marisa, Chyna, Sekarina, Tiffany, Sacajawea, and Pine Leaf if they’re still available.

Again, everywhere I looked, as we were cruising down the streets, was nothing but those fucking, filthy, lazy, freeloaders! I swear, Phoenix is 60% Mexican, 30% black, and 10% white. Will there be any white people left in this country, especially in the southwest, a century from now?

Speaking of freeloaders, the ones next door have oil-absorbing gravel all over their driveway, cuz the pickup has a very bad oil leak. But if they don’t want oil in the fucking driveway, why can’t they just park the damn thing in the street?

Also, the dark red car wasn’t here long last night, it didn’t come and go a million times, and there was no music, no yelling, no loitering, or any trashing. I tell you - it’s cuz we’re moving, so there’s not gonna be much in the way of shit to deal with from them. If the house was still on the market, then yes.

Later…

I just changed the animals’ cages.

Andy left a message regarding the animal pictures I sent him. He said he’s normally grossed out by rodents but can see how they’d make cute pictures. He’s also going to see Linda alone. This will be at least the third or fourth time he’s seen her.

Tom’s mom had to return early from her trip to Michigan. She had problems getting on and off the planes. The law requires planes to accommodate handicapped people, but I guess they didn’t feel like it, so they had to deal with that shit, and getting on/off the planes was a big to do. Then when they finally got to Neva’s door she collapsed. All the while she was there, she was out of it. For some unknown reason, her brain isn’t working right. She remembers old stuff better than new stuff, and since it’d been a really long time since she was at Neva’s, she had a hard time remembering the house’s layout.

At first I had a hard time feeling sorry for her and was like - what? Does she want to be a burden to people? How could she have been stupid enough to go in the first place? But according to Tom, she doesn’t know any better. But Mary and her doctors do and they should’ve put their foot down since she obviously can’t make her own decisions. As Tom said, the question is - will she go to California like she was originally planning to with David and Evie? I’m sure she’ll be stupid enough to try. And Mary will be even more stupid and not stop her. Anyway, Evelyn’s gonna be with her during the daytime cuz she just can’t be alone anymore, then I guess, and I hope, she’ll be in some kind of care center where she belongs. It may be more expensive and she may not be as happy, but she belongs in a nursing home/care center of some kind. She’s only got about a year to live anyway, so she may as well go where people can care for her 24 hours a day and where she wouldn’t be such a burden to Tom and Mary. I doubt Tom would ever admit she’s a burden, but still, he doesn’t need to be her daddy. He has too many other things to do. The man’s got a right to have a life one of these days! We need to move and then relax for a change. Not play parent to someone who should be in a facility with people who are trained and equipped to deal with her and her needs. No wonder God didn’t want us to be parents. He knew we’d have to be her parents.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 1999 A guy came to appraise the house today. He was only here a few minutes. I guess the termite inspection and going to Steven’s to pick out the colors/options and sign the contract come next.

The freeloaders have been both believably and unbelievably well-behaved. It’s believable cuz we’re moving, and it’s unbelievable cuz they were so fucking noisy. Anyway, the weekend was quiet and they only had that gold car over Saturday, and that’s it. It didn’t stay overnight, either. There’s been no loitering, no voices out back, no music, etc. I’m not saying I won’t hear from them or the ranchero while we’re still here, but it’s been great. I am not looking forward to dealing with apartment life for a few months, though, but it’ll be well worth it. I’ll hear different sounds, but the noise there will be much more consistent. Instead of dogs and stereos, it’ll be cabinets, doors, footsteps, and things like that. It’ll be mostly inside noise that’ll be a nuisance, but at least this time around I’ll have the fan and the cordless headphones. I’m sure there’ll be noisy kids, too. Especially at the pool, but at least they keep the bees away. That’s the only thing I miss about apartments. Cuz of all the people, there were no bees to worry about.

Also, the freeloaders have taken to parking the pickup in the street again. Good. That way they won’t be so tempted to trash our yard with cigarette butts since they don’t walk by our yard to get to the pickup when it’s in the street.

Yesterday, we went for our final swim, since the water’s getting a bit chilly. Tom got a little sad for a minute there, cuz this is the house we got married in. I understand. There are some good memories associated with this house along with the years I was miserable over not being able to have a kid. I quit smoking in this house, started a great doll collection, and a wonderful collection of rats and mice, too.

I took a series of awesome pictures yesterday. I took some of the house, the yard, the animals, and Tom. I zoomed in on the palm tree across the street and took a full-screen size picture of that so I have my own palm tree pictures besides the ones I got online. After sending Tammy, Dureen, and Art their letters upon moving, I’ll be sending them pictures of Tom, the animals, the dolls, and the new place.

I sent Andy a dozen or so cute animal pictures and a picture of Tom in the pool that came out great.

The freeloaders will be getting a couple more pictures. One of my hand flipping the finger, and one of the pigeons sitting on their roof that I zoomed in on.

Andy called to tell me he began reading my story and that he thinks it was well written. He also said he was headed out to lunch and would read the rest of it there.

I looked online to see if I could find out if Melatonin causes constipation, but couldn’t find a link. I hope Tom’s right about it just being over the stress of the move, cuz I haven’t been this constipated since I was on Navane! Of course, all my hard work of just having barely 1000 calories yesterday didn’t pay off cuz I’ve been stuck for days. I should’ve known better than to waste my time, but I can’t eat the normal amount anyway, or else I’ll be 125 pounds in no time if I’m only gonna shit once or twice a week.

I tried to attach the piece of my cut hair, which I braided, to Victoria by sewing it into her bonnet, but it didn’t look very good, cuz you could still see her blond hair at her hairline.

Later…

I called this doll store Tom said was close by that I found in the phonebook, and if what I was told is true, I can’t wait to get to this store! She said they have dolls as tall as 5’ 4”. Oh my God! That’s taller than me and that’d make Ciara seem Rapunzel’s size! And she said it was only $1000-$1,200. I thought that’d be between $3,000-$4,000. Anyway, she says they do have realistic-looking dolls and a good selection of Indian dolls.

Later…

Andy kept me on the phone for an hour, and who knows how much longer we’d have been on the phone if I hadn’t let him go. He’s really been quite a rambler in the last half a decade or so, and you know how I hate sitting on the phone even though I was bored shitless before I called. I’ll have to remember these long, boring, grueling phone chats whenever I feel guilty about dumping him in the future, besides the fact that he has Michelle. I can’t believe he didn’t mention God!

Anyway, he says he’s still working for Barbara Nicks, is otherwise unemployed, and wants to go back to working full-time (yeah, right!), but not with people. He wants a job isolated from people. He hasn’t been at Red Lobster since May. I didn’t know this, but it doesn’t surprise me. He thought he told me about it already, he says, but nope. He said he got into an altercation with an employee and was told to go work at some other Red Lobster and he told them to fuck off. In other words, he was fired yet again for the millionth time. I understand his clashing with people, though. I always had the same problem. If I don’t make trouble for others, others make trouble for me. Somehow, someway, be it my fault or not, I’d pretty much have problems with any group of people in any place.

He said Barbara Nicks has a little house by her store in Silver Springs that she said he could rent for $550. He says he couldn’t swing it alone (his rent’s now $380). Not if he’s gonna be unemployed and spending a ton of money on pot, cigarettes and food. He said he and Michelle have been wanting to live together again for a long time, but that he doesn’t think Barbara would go for that. Also, his current landlord is lenient when he’s late with his rent, but he doesn’t think Barbara would be so lenient.

There’s this 22-year-old boy he has a crush on who buys weed from him. It figures. Totally figures. He just doesn’t think he deserves anyone better and it’s so sad! Then again, we can’t help what we like.

Originally, he left me messages critiquing my story like I asked him to. He did a good job of it too, and said the same thing Tom said; the story’s moving too fast. I’ll have to try to find a happy medium between dragging on and on and getting boring, and this fast pace I’ve been at so far.

He also wanted me to hear his outgoing message, and he said, “Watch. You’ll call and I’ll answer.” This is when I realized he wanted me to call him and wanted to answer so we could talk live, and sure enough, he did answer.

He asked me more about the house, and that was pretty much it. He wants a message taped that I’ll add to his tape sometime later.

I dread that during our last two weeks here, he’s suddenly gonna need a favor that he’ll just have to come over for. Something that’ll be a pain in the ass for me to do, and then that’ll be one more time I’ll have to deal with this baked bore! He sounded unusually alert, focused, and sober today, though.

Later…

God, I’m so fucking bored now that it’s bordering on depression. I’m bummed over not having much to do till we move, and the things I could be doing now, I just don’t have the energy to do. I don’t feel like working on my story or reading. I’m not in the mood to listen to music and I don’t want to go watch childbirth, either.

Tom took a few pictures of me yesterday too, and they were like - oh my God! Is he lying by saying I’m skinny and beautiful? Is he blind? Or is it just his nature to want to disagree kicking in? I’m huge! But the question is, how can I be just 110 pounds? That’s impossible. I’m much too big to be just 110 pounds. I look 15-20 pounds heavier and I really think I’m somewhere around 120 pounds. I wasn’t even this big when I was in the 130s when I was 18! I’ve definitely gotten more inches for the pound with age. I’ve always had my problem spots, but now I’m big everywhere. I was never big in the neck, the hips, the arms, and the ass when I was 18. Now I am. I suppose part of it is my sagging and aging, but I’ve still seen plenty of people who are way older than me who are also much smaller. I’m huge everywhere and I’m sure the average person would describe me as chunky. I know what I’m seeing in the mirror and what I saw in those pictures weren’t just my imagination. Still, seeing those pictures was actually a good thing, cuz it’s made me eat even less, not that I’ve been one to gorge. Yes, people are full of shit if they think you have to overeat to be fat! Maybe you do to be as big as the bitch next door if you don’t have a medical condition.

Later…

There’s a dark red car out front that I’ve seen before, and I also saw three boys. A couple of them may’ve been twins. They wore brown shirts and their hair was short except for a little tail in the back. One cock was fumbling with his pants at the dick area doing God only knew what. At first I was like - oh, so they’re gonna loiter out front for hours and trash our yard? But nope. At least not now, cuz they headed indoors.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 1999 We screwed earlier and now he’s glued to the TV.

You know, I really realized something big time today. He’s happy the way he is in bed. He’s never complained, let alone wanted to see a doctor or try stimulants. He says he enjoys it and that he’d tell me if he didn’t, so yes, he really does like things the way they are sex-wise.

For the longest time, I didn’t see how he could get as excited as he does, get no relief, then say he enjoys sex. But then it hit me that just because I couldn’t enjoy sex if I got that close to cumming but didn’t, and just because most people wouldn’t be happy with that, doesn’t mean he can’t be happy with just getting excited. Who am I to say what should or shouldn’t make him happy? Only he can know how he feels and what makes him happy and I truly believe he’s been honest about that much. Yes, I still believe he’s afraid to cum for fear of impregnating me, but he’s still happy. The only thing I fear is my returning to wanting a kid sometime down the road, but as I told him - his sexual satisfaction is more important than anything I could ever want. I don’t want him to change. I want him to be himself and be happy, and he’s plenty worth giving up something I may want that would only make me miserable and that God wouldn’t allow me to have anyway. So, no doctors, no stimulants, no in-vitro. Besides, it’s not definite that I’ll go back to wanting a kid, and whether or not I did, I’ve got a million other things I want and if I didn’t, I’m sure I could get them.

As for myself, I don’t enjoy sex, so to speak, but it’s certainly no turn-off to me. I don’t get as excited as he does and I certainly don’t cum, but as I told him, it’d still be nice for him to go down on me every now and then, cuz at this day and age, that’s the easiest way for me to get off. Any other way takes me forever. So, it’s not that I can’t get off, it just takes so long. I choose not to so I don’t take forever and cuz I don’t want to be the “man” in bed. With most couples, the guy gets off more, and I feel weird about getting off more than he does, being the woman. With most things, I don’t mind being different. I even like it. However, I don’t want to be that different in bed. We’re already unique enough in that department, but it’s not like we don’t cum at all. I use the vibrator fairly regularly enough, and I’m sure he takes care of himself.

There is something he’s willingly changed for me in bed, and I really appreciate it and his accommodating me on this. That’s that he’s only spending a few minutes on the side. That really helps, cuz I never did like that position all that much. Not like with him on top. It’s just too unnatural of an angle for me and causes me to feel pressure spots in my lower gut.

For the sake of my inquisitive nature, I’m still not going to mention cumming at least till we’ve been in the house a few months and are settled. It’s one thing for me to say that not talking about how he is in bed won’t change him, especially if he’s happy and if he likes not cumming, but it’s another to see it. So, let’s see me be right about it. I know it won’t change anything, now let’s see it. Again, I don’t want to change him and make him not be himself and make him unhappy. I just don’t want to ever want a kid again, cuz despite all the technology available today, nothing can help me. I’ve got too many odds stacked against me. But why doesn’t God have something go wrong where I need a hysterectomy? What do I need my parts for?

Later…

I just thought of something else, too. How am I ever gonna know for sure if he likes not cumming due to his fear of me getting pregnant? I mean, I’m 98% sure that that’s why he likes not cumming, but what if there’s a 2% chance it’s something else, and what else could it be? Could he not be attracted to me? Could it be something I’ve never even thought of? People usually like what they like for a reason.

Well, he definitely prefers sexual pleasure over a kid. No doubt about it. He’s never once on his own openly expressed a desire for a kid. Not like I used to. I really firmly believe that if he had to choose between giving up his sexual satisfaction for a kid, or keeping it and giving up the kid, he’d take the sexual pleasure in a heartbeat. He definitely does like to not cum. He definitely does not want a kid. I’ll bet you that if I never mentioned a kid again in my life, he’d never bring it up again and he’d never give a moment’s thought to if I could be wanting a kid deep down inside. This is the one area he’s thought of himself first, but that’s OK as long as he never takes me for granted. What I mean is that most women would not sacrifice a kid for a guy. Most women would leave him if they wanted a kid, so I just hope he’s always appreciative of the big thing I’ve done for him just like I’m appreciative of the big things he’s done for me.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 1999 Tom got a little book of apartments. Next week we have to line up the storage crates, an apartment, and a PO Box.

Crystal Creek’s charging nearly $700 for their 2-bedrooms! It was just over $500 for one when we were there. I can’t believe how outrageously expensive Phoenix has become, and it used to be known for its cheaper cost of living. We’re only getting a 1-bedroom apartment. Yeah, right next to the freeloaders. God always makes sure I get stuck with them. I’ve had some pretty uncool white neighbors too, but you know how God is with me - the more I try to avoid things I don’t like, the more he seems determined to shove them in my face, so I’m gonna really be cursed with blacks and Mexicans. I certainly didn’t know what he was trying to tell me, till I met Tom, by rubbing guys in my face like he did for so long. I wish I knew why he rubbed kids in my face too, since we know he was never trying to tell me he wanted me to have one of those. Anyway, the blacks and or Mexicans will go right next to us, trust me.

A certain pack of freeloaders we’re next to now, was quiet last night as far as I know. They didn’t seem to have company either, but it was only 10:00 when I crashed. Besides, it’s Saturday nights that tend to be their bigger company night. All I saw yesterday was the red car.

Just as I was walking up to the living room window late yesterday afternoon, I saw the fat tub of shit standing in the back of the pickup as it was leaving, heading down the street. Why would the bitch need to stand? Couldn’t she sit? Also, the pickup’s taken to parking in the carport where the silver car used to park, which I don’t like, but it’s only for two more weeks! It doesn’t feel that way, though. It just doesn’t seem real yet. Anyway, they must have some enemy after them that they don’t trust, cuz they could’ve parked the thing in the driveway outside of the carport before, but they never did. I always assumed it was because they were just too lazy to go in and out of the driveway so that’s why they’d park in the street. So this suddenly not parking in the street, which they never had to do before, tells me there’s someone that’s pretty pissed off at them that they’re wary of and so they want to keep the pickup closer to them.

Deb just came in driving the blue pickup and honking. I saw a couple of kids get out carrying a big radio and something else. Again, why would you need to honk when you’re coming in and then going right back out? She never was signaling for someone she was picking up. I’ve heard a lot of horn-honking so far today, but I couldn’t tell where all of it was coming from.

Across the street had a hell of a party, but fortunately, they let me sleep and haven’t been noisy at all. They had about 6 cars over there and they’re still there now. What is this? A new trend? If you visit someone on a weekend, are you supposed to stay there overnight nowadays?

Later…

The freeloaders are still parking in the driveway, but now they’re parked just outside the carport where I can see them from the living room window. They’ve been out a couple of times already today.

The weekend slumber party across the street is still going on, but thankfully, they’ve been quiet and keeping their party for their ears only.

I rearranged my dolls yet again and am back to having four doll boxes, but I’ve decided not to take Ciara to the apt. She’s a bitch to set up and dress and undress and pack, so she’s going in with our other storage stuff till we get into the house. So are the Barbies.

So, I have Ciara in box one, Patrice in box two, Bailey and Maria in box three, and everyone else in a big wide tall box. They’re all standing upright and are snugly against each other so unless you pick the box up and flip it upside down, they’re secure. These, I’ll set up at the new place.

We went to a couple of pool stores for parts we needed for the pool, and while he was in one of them, I browsed through a gift shop. I couldn’t believe the nice wigs they had for dirt cheap!

Now here’s something I found both shocking and disappointing - we went to the doll store I got Bailey from, and boy have they changed! They only had one nice Indian doll, but she was too small and too pricey. She was about 20” and she was $600! Beautiful and realistic, though. They only had a few 24” dolls and they weren’t that impressive. They even had a few vinyls. Most of their dolls were small, though, and pretty boring. I’m glad I found this out now, so we won’t end up wasting our time coming in from the Tempe/Mesa area all for nothing. As Tom said, and as the phonebook said, there are plenty of other stores to check out.

I checked online to see what dolls I could come across and found a doll I have to have. She’s a sitting doll that’s only 9½” high, but she’s gorgeous! Totally my type of doll. She’s $125 and is Sacajawea’s replacement (Sacajawea was the same size/cost). She sits unlike any other doll I’ve got, sort of Indian style, and seems pretty real-looking. She has a white-flowered blouse that’s off the shoulders, black pants, and nice bare hands and feet. Nothing on the head. She has an ankle and wrist bracelet and she has a wooden brush she brushes her long dark hair with. At first I thought she was an Indian cuz of the long straight hair parted in the middle, but with the name Marisa, she may be a Latin doll. Who knows, I may even end up replacing Pine Leaf, too. Pine Leaf has a great face, though, so we’ll see. It depends on what else is available. I’ll have to weigh the pros and cons of the dolls I like and decide which ones to get. It’s lots of fun at the same time I wish I could have all the ones I like. Don’t all doll collectors? Well, maybe I can have them all if I make some decent money writing! I still hope to get Chyna, though, and I really hope to get Sekarina.

Later…

The first of the half-a-dozen vehicles to be next door tonight just showed up. It’s that gold car I saw that 40-something guy and that 8-year-old in that stood overnight last Saturday. Find a spot on the floor, guys!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 1999 Tonight should be our second to last Friday night here on N. 21 Ave.!

Also, I’m back on schedule without even trying! The night before last I didn’t bother taking Melatonin since I was planning on catching up on my sleep. I did take a Benadryl but it didn’t put me out like it usually does. I took a Melatonin last night, though, at around 2:00 and was asleep by 2:30. Because I’d had a whole ten hours of sleep the night before, I woke up on my own today shortly after 8:00, almost an hour before the alarm was due to go off! I am a bit tired, though.

Yesterday’s trip out to the land was a waste of time. The contractor’s name is Gravity, of all names, and as Tom said, he’s a big talker. He says it could take four months before we get moved in, which Steven wouldn’t tell us, he says. It’s nice to know we’ve got reliable people working for us we can trust. Well, it’s still worth it if that ends up being the case, and whether or not we spend one week or four months in an apartment, it’s gonna be a nightmare and I’m not gonna be getting much sleep even though Tom insists I’m wrong. But I know how apartment walls are out here. We may not hear anything as loud as stereos if we’re set back further from the street, and they may not have dogs barking non-stop, but there will be clusters of kids outside our windows constantly, and we’ll be hearing our neighbor’s cabinets, doors, and footsteps just fine. With our luck we'll probably get what I last had living next to me on Bell Road; a group of teenagers who are constantly slamming doors and blaring their music. Or maybe a mad butch like at the Vista, but Tom said it’s different in places that are geared towards short-term rental, cuz those are people that are coming from houses that behave as if they live in houses. Yeah well, not all people that live in houses behave very well or very quietly, but we’ll see.

Gravity said that snakes may lie against the house at night, so it’d be important for us to be careful when opening doors. That’s nice to know. According to him, though, we can just get pigs. Pigs will eat anything, including snakes, he says, cuz a pig’s skin is too thick for a snake’s fangs to penetrate.

They didn’t stake anything, though, cuz as Tom figured and as they discussed, it’d be cheaper for Tom himself to put a wire fence around the property. They did discuss where to put the house and other things, but that’s about it for now. I would imagine that within the next few days, we’ll be going to see Steven to pick out colors. I remember the colors I picked out already.

At least we’ll have no problems with a cell phone out there. Tom wasn’t sure if it’d work OK with the mountains, but it does.

I was really on a roll with my story yesterday and I sent the first 5 chapters to Andy. He may be too stoned to read it or he just may not care to read it, but whatever he does, he does.

Later…

Well, the freeloaders definitely did not work today, if they are working at all, and I still don’t think they are. I think they’ll go straight from welfare checks to social security checks as I said before. They were playing car, though. Every Mexican’s favorite pastime. Tom said he saw them working on the pickup’s oil leak. Due to the times I’ve seen them come and go so far today, it makes me wonder if they’re actually beginning to sleep at night more often. I haven’t seen anyone hanging out front at night in ages.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1999 I’ve got to get Tom up at 4:30, cuz the contractor’s coming to pick him up around 5:30 and they’re going to go out and stake the land. He said I’m welcome to come along, but that it was not necessary. Yeah, I think I’ll hang back and work on my story and maybe do some singing.

Yesterday was the first time in about a month that I didn’t set my alarm. I woke up many times along the way, but I was so beat that I ended up sleeping 10 hours!

I worked on my story for about an hour yesterday, but only got 27 new lines. That’s because I spent so much more time changing things around. I realized I could go crazy with changes and make changes every day for the rest of my life, so I’ve got to find a happy medium between realistic changes and outrageous changes.

I’ve got a 3-ring notebook out and later I’ll look for the old paper puncher, so I can print the story out by chapters for him to read.

I saw a little boy about 5 years of age, and a guy with a crew cut that sort of looked white, although I’m sure he wasn’t since next door obviously doesn’t like whites, get into the pickup. But they were only gone two minutes before coming back and leaving again. Now where would you go for two minutes just to come right back, sit at the curb for another two minutes or so puffing on a smoke, then take off again?

After finally being able to shit yesterday after not being able to for 3-4 days, I’m stuck again. I’m not surprised, either. My latest habit is to go just twice a week, but it won’t kill me. I just may have to work harder at staying around 110 pounds.

I did the most work on my story today than I ever have before in one day.

Later…

Fucking people and their procrastinating and not doing what they say they’re going to do! The fucking contractor was supposed to pick him up at 4:30 to go to stake out the land, but then the cock called saying he was running late. So they agreed to meet each other there at the land, but he hasn’t shown up. Tom just called saying traffic was horrible and he’s not there. That’s still no excuse. That cock better hurry up and get there cuz it’s getting dark fast. I don’t want Tom to have lost valuable sleep for nothing. Can people do anything on time these days? Are there any business people that aren’t late?

Later…

Boy, am I pissed now! Tom called again asking for the cock’s number, but the cock just pulled in. Great. Just fucking great. It’s nearly pitch dark now, you fucking cock!

I saw a black girl hanging out front with what I think is the oldest girl living next door. If it is the girl next door, she sure cut her hair. It’s boy-short now. I later saw the black girl roller-blading down the street.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 1999 The curiosity got to me and I asked him why he still didn’t cum if he agreed to be a naturalist along with me and after I said it’d be OK, but again he insists it’s not his choice; it either happens or it doesn’t. Also, we are being naturalists by just letting whatever happens to happen. True. I guess I didn’t think of it that way, and I guess we’re still being naturalists even if I’m still right about the reason he doesn’t cum being due to a subconscious fear. Anyway, he has a point, nonetheless, and he also swears he wouldn’t be embarrassed going to a doctor about it and says that maybe someday he will. As long as he’s honest - great. I’d still like to experiment with stimulants after we’ve moved and are settled and see where that naturally takes us. I had always been afraid that if I someday decided yes, I want to go through with the in vitro for sure, he’d either renege on our deal or not cooperate and do his part one way or another, but he gave his word and he agreed that if I ever found myself wanting a kid again (not that I think God would allow it) that he’d do his part, go to a doctor first about the cumming, see if I could conceive naturally by his cumming regularly, even though I know I wouldn’t, then go for in-vitro. That way they could see that we tried to help ourselves first in virtually every way possible, even if that means counting days, taking temps, and doing things we don’t necessarily want to do. It will depend on how much we feel a kid is worth it, and I don’t know what the future holds as far as what we’ll want to do and find worth it, but right now, I’d rather just concentrate on moving and getting settled in in the new house before I make any decisions about that. I may be around 40 years old, give or take a few years before I did anything about having a kid if that’s what I decided to do. I still don’t see God allowing that, and I don’t know if that’d be something I’d want or could handle. As for him, according to what he’s said, he’s happy if I’m happy. In other words, I think he’ll be fine if I decide to go for the in vitro at some point and fine if I don’t. Just as long as we both stick to our agreements and let the other know if we want to make a change and why we want to make the change. I feel the same way too, what with wanting him to be happy. If the guy wanted my tubes tied I’d be having them tied ASAP, etc. I’d do anything I could that was within my means, and if it wasn’t within my means, I’d try like hell to get it within my means. The only thing I do know for sure is that I haven’t conceived naturally after the 6 years we’ve been together and I never will at this rate as long as he rarely gets off. The interesting thing to see will be whether or not we choose to do something about it. My guess is that he’ll always be the way he is for many possible reasons. 1. It seems to be so much a part of him just like computers are. 2. The doctors may not be able to help him if he wanted to make a change like that. 3. He might think he’s not embarrassed, then find that he is and he may shy away in the end. 4. He may subconsciously be against change of any kind for whatever reason and resist a doctor’s suggestions.

Hopefully, we’ll never be faced with a conflict of interest. We both agree we’ll support each other, but we could end up in trouble if one wants to do something while the other wants to do something else. If I decide I want a kid and say to him, “You agreed to support me so you should be doing whatever you can to get off more,” he could easily counter that by saying, “But you said you’d accept me as I am and I can’t/don’t want to change.” Well, hopefully we can find a way to compromise if we ever cross this kind of bridge and work things out so neither of us feels controlled, not accepted, cheated, betrayed, or like we’re losing out on things in life.

He’s always sworn my not mentioning his cumming would be his cure-all, and even though he’s said that about other’s things we’ve tried, let’s see. The only reason I didn’t experiment with this suggestion was cuz of my doubt, but let’s see. If you’re an inquisitive person such as I am, experimenting is fun. So, my lips about the subject will be sealed for the rest of the century.

Maybe next door does leave the front light on when someone who lives there is coming/going, cuz it was on late last night while the pickup made a few trips in and out. Again the pickup’s been gone all day.

Tom said they followed him in the pickup to Circle K the other day. Not intentionally, of course, but the fat bitch and some fat male were pulling in next to him as he was leaving.

On a map that came in the mail from a title agency, I saw that I was wrong when I said there were 6 houses on this block. There are actually 5. Us, the freeloaders, the collies, and two others.

He bought a map that was expensive at $28, but the only map, nonetheless, with the street we’re gonna be living on. That way, since he’s not as familiar with the area, he can find alternatives to getting home if he gets caught in a storm. He could get lost without it since those dirt roads tend to get washed out during storms.

As usual, Steven didn’t call back when he said he was going to so we can find out how to get a hold of the contractor, which is our next step. That and getting the permit for the well, storage crates, and an apartment. However, we can’t really do anything with the contractor till we own the land and that doesn’t close till October 7th, ten days after the house closes.

He did ease my nerves tremendously, though. I think it was Labor Day when this happened, but we got a call from a realtor wanting to show the house, and we were like - what?! Still, my vibes weren’t saying the H's backed out and no one said they did, which they would’ve by now you’d think, and the freeloaders were still being quiet. I guess it was a misunderstanding of some kind, but as Steven said, it’s a done deal. Our house is sold! That brought tears of relief to my eyes.

I packed Ciara in the box she came in. First I took off her dress since I figured it’d be hard to repack in the box without getting it all rumpled. I hung it on a hanger (I held the thing up to me and it was below my knees) and covered it with a clothing cover Ma made me one Christmas.

Tom wants to go back to the arcade where the award ceremonies were to play some more games. He described some of them to me but says they’re kind of expensive. Some games are $3.

Once again, my schedule’s been thrown off, but this time there’s no one to blame but myself. I couldn’t fall asleep till 1:00 last night and I just couldn’t pull myself out of bed at 8:00, so I slept in till 10:30. Tom said I ought to give myself a day off. Well, it has been a month since I’ve slept right through and woken up naturally without alarms, so maybe I will.

Later…

The pickup’s back. This is the same time it came back yesterday, too.

I decided to play Andy’s game along with him. We’ve been getting private calls where there’s no message left, and I still feel it’s Andy. So, I blocked my number and called him right after getting the last two calls I got this morning and just now, and he was home. I decided to trust my gut instinct that says it’s him and give him a few calls, too. I’ve called three times today so far. The same amount of times he called me. I just hung up the first time, and let the radio I’m listening to record on his machine the second and third time.

I know it’s him. Why is he doing this? Oh, just cuz he’s bored. He probably figures it’s a good thing to do before he gets dumped too, to get attention without me hearing his voice and knowing it’s him for sure.

Later…

Jesus! The welfare bums not only give us beer cans and cigarette butts, but now they’re giving us their kid’s clothes, too. I found a pair of sweatpants and a shirt beside our hedges in back. They had to have come from next door given the position they were in. They can’t be the black bitch’s cuz I would’ve noticed them back when I’d spy over the wall beside the hedges to see when the blacks were moving in. The pants were royal blue. The tag said ‘2 Toddler’. I guess they were Batman pants, cuz their trademark tag was inside the pants, too. The navy shirt was long-sleeved with green and maroon rings around each arm. There were no tags on it. Both were stained. The pants looked like they had white paint on the seat of them as well as on the front and back of one knee. The shirt was in better condition but had light streaks throughout it. Looks like some idiot tried to bleach the thing. So, did Deb or some other adult throw it over the wall deciding they were too fucked up? Or did the kids do it? My guess is that Deb was too lazy to throw them away so she gave them to us, but guess what? They’re going back! Not both the pants and the shirt, just the shirt. I can’t mail them both without going over 16 oz. Packages over 16 oz. aren’t supposed to be thrown in a mailbox. The postal workers fear it could contain bombs. Nonetheless, I’m sure crazy Deb will be quite surprised to get the shirt back. I’m sure she won’t be expecting it!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 1999 Well, I did hear from next door for about five minutes last night at 10:00, but not in the way of music. The liar came in in the blue pickup, honked, then stood outside gabbing for about five minutes with some other bitch, before honking again, then taking off a couple of minutes later. I guess they only leave the front light on if someone who doesn’t live there is coming. But what was weird, was that right after the cream pickup took off at 11:15, the light then went on. Maybe they had company that I didn’t notice that came at 11:30 or later. By 12:30 I was out like a light, so who knows? Anyway, the horn honking couldn’t have been more obviously aimed at me, but fine. Let them honk all they want.

Miraculously, I’m back on schedule! Just when I thought I was knocked off it for sure, the Melatonin did work for me last night so I could fall asleep a little earlier and get up a little earlier. I still woke up a few times, though, but fell right back to sleep. There’s a catch, though, as always. I’ve had really bad bouts of constipation lately where I’m stuck for days at a time. Tom says it’s cuz he thinks I haven’t eaten enough foods with fiber lately, but I think it’s cuz of the Melatonin. Melatonin’s supposed to be natural and the bottle doesn’t say anything about that, but how much do you want to bet it’s just another one of God’s compensation trips? See? I have to pay for everything I gain. He’s not gonna win this time, though. I’ll eat more fiber, but I won’t give up the Melatonin unless it ever does stop working and stays that way. Meanwhile, I just won’t shit if he feels I have to be punished for my accomplishment.

I have never been more baffled by Tom and sex as I was the other day, but what else is new, huh? For the first time ever, he looked truly, genuinely bummed when I reminded him of why it’s not good to let me conceive even if the odds of that happening are one in millions, and suggested he keep not cumming. But it was always his choice not to cum in the first place so why would he be bummed by my suggesting he shouldn’t? I just suggested it, I didn’t demand it. He took the initiative to be my birth control along with God and he decided he wouldn’t cum. I told him later he could do what he wants, but even after telling him that, and even after the bummed-out reaction, he still wouldn’t cum. I just don’t get him. Why would he be upset over something that was always his choice to begin with? And why doesn’t he do something about it if he’s bummed over it?

I still haven’t gotten to our Sunday outing. We went to four different furniture stores to get ideas and prices. In some cases we can get what we want, in others, we can get what’s reasonable. We don’t want to put all our money into pricey furniture just because we can. We want to leave money for other things. In fact, he made up a budget he showed me today that looked pretty good to me.

We went to the grocery store yesterday where we picked up a few food items, as well as a different brand of KY for me that’s not so sticky and hard to wash off. What’s weird is that although this stuff is more liquid-ish, it doesn’t say not to use it if pregnancy is desired. However, both this KY and the one I’d been using say there’s no spermicide in the stuff and it’s not a contraceptive. Well, God and Tom will be my contraceptive just fine, and the stuff may not contain spermicide, but any doctor will tell you it’s almost as good as any contraceptive can get. It’s still too sticky for sperm to swim through very well.

We went to Staples too, and I got a damn good idea of what I want for a computer desk.

Lastly, I suggested we treat ourselves to some ice cream on our way back. Why not? Dieting doesn’t work. At least not for me it doesn’t. I’m sick of working so hard at dieting just to be the same weight month after month, so fuck it. I’ll eat what I want and fuck my weight.

Later…

The fat bitch took off in the cream pickup late this morning. I wonder where she’s been for most of the day. Maybe she’s working part-time, but I don’t know. I haven’t seen Chester or that striped van for a while, so I don’t know what his story is lately, either.

Later…

Maybe I know a little of Chester’s affairs after all, cuz he’s out front right now. The cream pickup and a green/white striped Chevy pickup just came in, and I thought I saw a fairly small guy take a box into the house, but then Chester came out of the house with a black shiny box. I don’t know what the fuck it was. He just handed it to the little guy and now they’re both sitting on the back of the pickup gabbing. This is the first time I’ve seen anyone hanging out front in a while.

Now there are two little guys. When I say “little” I mean that they’re shorter than Chester. Chester’s topless, and one of the shorter guys is wearing a white shirt while the other’s wearing a maroon one. They just put a bike in the back of this Chevy with its maroon plate and now they’re taking off.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 1999 So far, this has been a very quiet Labor Day. The blue pickup was in and out, but other than that, there hasn’t been anything going on yet. I don’t exactly have a bad vibe either, so I guess that’s good. If anything is going to happen, I’d say it’s not going to till the evening.

Next door’s lack of front light last night told me there wouldn’t be company, and from what I could tell, they didn’t.

I may’ve become immune to the Melatonin, which means I may only be able to hold a schedule intermittently. After two Melatonin pills not working last night, I had to resort to a Benadryl to crash (I know I should’ve spelled ‘Benadryl’ with a capital B all along, but I’m too lazy to go back and make corrections). Also, I couldn’t get up on time today. If only that tire screecher hadn’t fucked things up! I needed to sleep in till 10:00 cuz I was so tired. So, I probably won’t be able to back up my schedule. I’ll probably have to roll it over. At least I held the schedule for three weeks. That’s the longest I’ve done that in years.

We’re about to do something else we haven’t done in ages - screw twice in one week. We’re not gonna cum, of course, but still, it’s a nice change of pace every now and then.

Later…

It looks like nothing’s gonna be going on next door, after all. The blue pickup visited twice, but as far as I know, that’s all that’s visited. The cream pickup just began moving, but now’s the time it normally begins coming/going - in the early evening. Meanwhile, just like last night, there’s no front light on.

The only annoying thing I hear right now is some fuck gunning his truck, motorcycle, or whatever the fuck the Goddamn thing is. I just tuned him out with some music, though.

I don’t know if I mentioned this yet, but the silver car’s gone. The van’s still deep in the carport as it has been for months now, but the silver car’s gone. I don’t know if it still lives here or not. I haven’t heard car doors that sound like they’re coming from the carport. I’m kind of bummed. I kind of liked the idea of no one being able to get into the carport, but even getting to the street is too fucking close in this city!

The day after that fucking car with its screeching tires woke us up, we noticed tire tracks on the corner of our yard. Not the corner by the freeloaders which they drove over. We don’t know who the hell it was or if they were drunk, but I’d say so.

I hate being on the corner. We’ve got a corner lot out in Maricopa too (which he thought was Hidden Valley), but it’s different when you have a corner that’s 10 acres outside Phoenix than a corner that’s a sixth of one in Phoenix. OK, so we don’t have two houses just three feet away on both sides of us, but we get all kinds of kids and assholes like what woke us up cutting across our yard. Also, it’s noisier as far as stereos go, since they have to slow down to go around the corner and slowly drive by two sides of our house.

We’re going to be on the corner of two roads. Both these roads are in shitty condition. They’re dirt roads that are very bumpy. The good of it is that Tom said people aren’t gonna want to go cruising down those streets too often. Yeah, but they will when they’re improved like they will be someday. God’s not gonna let me live in peace no matter where I go, and if he does, it won’t be for long.

Sex was as I said/knew it’d be and I’m irritated again, too. I went from being sure it was from sex to sure it wasn’t from sex, but now I don’t know. It looks like it could be from sex, after all. I can’t think of anything else it could be. Why do I feel like God feels me having sex is a sin? Why have I always felt punished for any sex I’ve ever had? Why have I always felt sexually hexed? And the thing about it is that I know it’ll never go away. Once hexed with whatever, always hexed. So if someone’s hexed with jobs, they’ll always be hexed with jobs.

I have a lot more to write about. However, I’m not in the mood right now, so I’ll just say that I’m a little worried about things until Tom talks to Steven. According to the contract, we’ve only got three weeks left here!! But it just doesn’t feel that way. It just seems so unreal. I’m like - you mean God’s really gonna let us out of here now?! It’s like it’s too good to be true. However, we do have my logic, my vibes, and the fact that next door’s been quiet since we got the offer on our side. My vibes say the H's won’t back out of buying this house. My logic also tells me that too, cuz you’d think they’d have told us by now if they intended to back out. Also, from past experience, I know how it is with neighbors quieting down right before one of us is about to move. Well, hopefully Steven won’t have any bad news for us when Tom talks to him tomorrow.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 1999 The weekend is going by way too slowly. I’m exhausted right now cuz I didn’t sleep well last night at all and I don’t think I will till Tuesday.

I haven’t heard anything yet next door, but I’ve seen a lot of vehicles. Last night they had their typical weekend company which consisted of a ton of vehicles. Still no Ranchero yet that I know of, but definitely by Tuesday. No red boom stereo Bronco for about a month that I know of, either. The vehicles to file in last night were a silver jeep, the red car, the blue pickup, and a gold car that I mistook for a silver car the night that stereo drove by, which definitely had nothing to do with them. This gold car wasn’t Deb’s parents’, though.

The company didn’t arrive till around 10 PM, but I knew they were coming beforehand due to both common sense and seeing the front light on over there. The jeep didn’t leave till some time between 5 AM-9 AM. From midnight to 3:00 I woke up naturally a couple of times cuz of the stress of it being the weekend. At 3:00 we were both rudely woken up by some fuck’s tires screeching around the corner. And I had just gotten up to turn the music off two seconds before this happened. So, I didn’t get back to sleep till 5:00 and I had to literally force myself out of bed at 9:00 when I could’ve easily slept till noon at the very least. Tonight and Monday night will just compound my tiredness till I’m a total deadbeat cuz I won’t sleep any better the next two nights. I hope I can catch up on my sleep by going to bed earlier on Tuesday. I’ll need 12 hours of sleep after this weekend’s over!

Anyway, the gold car left at 10:00 this morning. Some dude and a boy of about eight took off in it. Can you imagine your father, but in this case the guy was Mexican and 40-something so he was probably the kid’s grandfather, bringing you to visit someone who’s got 30 people infesting the little house overnight? Just why do all these people that come to visit on the weekend have to stay till sunup? I mean, I know most Mexicans rise with the sunset and crash with the sunrise, but that’s still so weird! They probably get too stoned or drunk to drive, too. What does Deb do? Tell them to try to find a spot to sleep on the floor amongst the 30-40 sleeping bodies?

I just wish that fat lazy bitch would go somewhere else on weekends, but no. The only reason I can think of that the Mexicans and blacks did/do everything here is that aside from badgering me, most Mexicans and blacks have apartments, and they know they can get away with carrying on like a bunch of wild freaks easier in a house.

Thank God we have about 20 days left here!!!!!!!!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 1999 Tom told me earlier he’d like to “get together” today. So he got the yard work out of the way, ate and digested, and now he’s in the shower. I’m sure he’s relieving himself too, but fine. Whatever turns him on and makes him happy.

Later…

Tom’s out doing errands now.

We screwed, and this time it was a bit uncomfortable cuz I accidentally used too much KY so he ended up flying in there a wee bit too fast. I want to see if there’s some other brand that’s waterier and not so sticky. He said Vagisil makes lubricant so I’ll check out theirs. I don’t need the stickiness as an extra source of birth control cuz he’s my birth control. As long as he doesn’t cum and God doesn’t want us having a kid, I should never get pregnant. I haven’t yet, so I know I won’t and am not worried about it.

Later…

Tom said he was up till 11:30 last night and he didn’t hear a peep out of next door. Yeah, I’m not surprised now that we know we’ll be out of here real soon. Monday’s still gonna be filled with hours of antics, and Tuesday we’ll be picking up after the fucking party.

The blue pickup is visiting now.

I can’t believe I slept longer last night yet I’m still on a schedule! I fell asleep a couple of hours earlier last night cuz the night before I only slept 5 hours.

I just organized the list of stuff we want for the new house. Soon we’ll have to go to a few different types of furniture stores to see what’s out there. We’ll probably do that tomorrow.

Tom said he wouldn’t mind it if Kim alone visited or if she visited with a guy. I think that would be great. However, we only have one guest room and don’t want a lot of people staying at the house no matter where we live, so if she comes with more than one person, they need to stay in a hotel. I’ll tell her all this too, of course.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 1999 Last night at around 8:30, while Tom was in the living room and I was in the bedroom, we heard music that was between soft and medium, but neither of us could say for sure if it was next door. When I looked out, I saw a silver car that I don’t think I’ve seen before but it left while I was listening to music and while Tom was dead to the world, so I can’t say for sure if it was that car.

It was actually a bit chilly when I went out early to dump some recyclables, and it’s only the beginning of September.

Andy left a message saying that although he has been doing more things lately, he’s not very happy. He’s puking every day from nerves. Then he should stop stuffing himself if he’s got a nervous stomach. Making a pig of himself on top of a nervous stomach isn’t very smart. It’s not a very good combination - nerves and a lot of food.

He also acknowledges that the way he feels is his fault since he chose not to work much throughout 1999 and that he’s lonely and feeling lost in life. I feel bad for him, cuz I’ve got a damn good feeling that this is how he’ll always feel. Sadly, I seriously believe he’s destined to live life feeling nothing but lost and lonely. And he calls God his friend?

Later…

Today’s one of those days the pickup’s gonna be here. Do I think Deb or Chester are working? I’m not sure, but I doubt it. If one of them is working, it’s probably Chester. I doubt the city and welfare will cut Deb off till her last kid’s on its own and that last kid probably won’t be born till she’s 45, which means they probably won’t cut her till she’s around retirement age, so then she can turn right around and collect social security to live off of. I know how these Mexicans operate. Girls are encouraged to start breeding upon starting their periods, and they keep having babies up till menopause so they can collect welfare while they’re under 65, then turn around and collect SS. That way they don’t ever have to work. It’s sick! Do these people feel they deserve nothing better? Do they really have so little self-respect? Do they always want to live life scraping pennies? Are those welfare checks really worth it? Or wouldn’t they rather work so they don’t have to struggle so much to make ends meet? If they’d just stop having so many damn kids, they’d have a shot at having a life and getting a good career going, but nope. They’d just rather let themselves be bogged down with kids so they have no life other than kids and welfare. Guess that’s all they’re good for. That’s all sick fucks like next door who don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves deserve too, as far as I’m concerned.

Later…

How can they call the 80s the “me” decade when every decade before the 80s, the 90s, and all the decades to come will be just as loaded with selfish people? A good 85% of the population is selfish. Always have been, always will be.

We got approved for more than we thought we would as far as the loan goes, so that’s good.

I can’t believe we have just three more weekends left here! This Labor Day weekend, though, is gonna be a nightmare. They’re not just gonna have car stereos banging in and out, but there’ll be hours and hours of music blaring from the house. They just have to make a scene and be such attention-getters! They have to make everything a public affair! I can’t believe, though, that the ranchero hasn’t been around for about a week, but it’ll definitely be here tonight. By Saturday or Sunday night at the latest. I’ll be under the fan and music for damn sure, cuz I’m not gonna be forcefully invited to their fucking party. I shouldn’t have to know about it if they want to party and be forced to be involved. I don’t want to know they exist! Can’t these fucks go to someone else’s party somewhere else? No, of course not! Everything’s gotta be done here. Typically, Labor Day parties go from the early afternoon till the late afternoon, but I’ll bet you anything they’ll party till around midnight, give or take an hour or two. Don’t these fucks ever get sick of each other?!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 1999 It still pisses me off that no matter how hard I diet, I can never be under 110 pounds. Like I said, as soon as I hit down at 108-109, I stop shitting and am back to at least 110 in a couple of days cuz of it. My body just totally rejects the idea of being under 110. So even though I’d rather work at getting to 100, I have to work at staying at the 110-marker so I don’t get constipated.

Tom went to those award ceremonies Tuesday, and is one of the top 10 out of 500 to get an award for his great work! He deserves it after all the hours they’ve made a slave of him.

Later…

I’m kind of bored right now. I did the laundry, did some writing, and did some reading, but there’s only so much of these things I can do. There’s just not much to do till we move and I can really concentrate on story-writing, among other things.

Tom’s mom’s going to Michigan to stay with her sister for 4-5 days. Mary’s gonna accompany her.

I can’t say I’m too shocked that next door’s been pretty mellow since the ranchero blasted in last Tuesday cuz of the offer we got. I’m not saying people didn’t bang in and out that I didn’t hear, or that I won’t hear any more from them while we’re here, but I don’t expect to be hearing that much from them now that we’re moving. Labor Day will be a circus, but other than that, God knows we’re moving, so you know how he is with neighbors right before I move. He usually tones them down at the last minute. Anyway, sometimes the cream pickup is on the street all day, sometimes it’s not. I’ve seen the red car a few times and the blue pickup once.

I’ve noticed a pattern - that things seem to have a better chance of working out for me the second time around. Not only did the Nicorette work for me the second time around, but so did the Melatonin. Makes me wonder if God would allow me to conceive if I started trying to again if I wanted a kid again someday, cuz if I’m not worthy of that in his eyes by now, I never will be. I better hope I stay not wanting a kid, though, cuz that’d make me feel all the angrier at God if I tried again after coming so far only to be denied that again. That’d make me feel all the more that he hated me and was controlling me and punishing me for some reason. Even if he would OK it, Tom wouldn’t. You can’t conceive with a guy who almost never cums, and who cums at the wrong time only. At least that’s the way it’s been since I stopped wanting a kid. Just think, deep down, he had to have been thrilled when I stopped wanting a kid, not that he’d ever come out and say so. Therefore, he took my change of desire to his advantage so he could practically quit cumming altogether.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 1999 Here I am, so swamped with stuff to write about that I don’t know if I can remember everything I wanted to write.

I’ve been living here for 6 years today.

Let me cover Monday’s happenings before getting to yesterday’s.

Andy finally called. He was in San Francisco for a while attending Juliet’s wedding. Also, an example of how he doesn’t listen well - he said he was glad we got that $83,500 offer when we were only asking for $65,000. Didn’t I tell him it was the other way around? That we were asking $85,000 and thought we’d have to cut the price down to around $65,000? Then he says we could give him $5,000 and not even miss it. Not true. We need all the money we can get. Just because someone’s not exactly poor doesn’t mean they don’t have plans for their money or their money tied up.

He also said he hasn’t yet listened to the beginning of the story I started (I left him a message reading him the beginning) cuz he wants to wait till he can concentrate (he means he wants to wait till he’s sober), but that it sounded like I was reading from a book and that I used words he’s never heard before. Then he can go ahead and erase the message cuz he already answered my question. If it sounded like I was reading from a book, then maybe my story will be good enough in the end if I can ever finish it and literally have a book. As for using words he’s never heard of - wow, cuz he was the one, along with Tom, who really helped me expand my vocabulary.

Tom said there’s this brand-new thing I hope we can find someday that sounds totally awesome. The decorative plates I have, well, you can’t eat from those or put them in dishwashers or stuff like that. Now, though, they have paints that you can use to paint your own plates that you can wash and eat off of!

Monday, we went to Trails End Realty and put $500 down on the first 10-acre lot we saw that I felt that instant “we’re home” vibe on. What’s even more ironic is how the view fits my vision almost to a T which I told Tom about. I told him I could only see one house from the back of the house and nothing on the sides and the front, and that’s exactly the case. It won’t last long, though. People are gonna take advantage of the fact that we’re having the power strung right in that area and use it for themselves. I know God will bring in more people and houses and noise just as soon as I get there, but I don’t think it can come close to how noisy it can get around here. It also figures that the land next to us was broken up into 4 pieces, which means that although they can’t usually afford it, thank God, we could end up with 4 huge Mexican families on the 10-acre lot next to us, but Tom insists that we have nothing to worry about as far as noise goes. He says the properties are too big for there to be a problem with that like it can be here since here, they put 6 houses to an acre. Well, we’ll see, but I still say that if God finally lets me live my life without neighbors included in it, he’ll just go and do something else. There’ll be some new ongoing issues that I’ll have to deal with, but I may not mind the change of pace if it’s not too bad of an issue to deal with, cuz 8 years of dealing with neighbors’ noise and their bullshit is more than enough.

I’ve gone back to Tic-Tacs since I can have them after all. It just took me time to get used to sucking on something I couldn’t feel on the roof of my mouth. I gotta have some kind of vice, though, since I can’t chew gum with the retainers, don’t smoke, and don’t want to have a million cups of coffee a day even if it’s decaf.

Later…

Tom got in and we discussed some of the house’s options, then he went to bed. He’s pretty beat with all that’s been going on, but not as beat as he was last week.

Ciara arrived yesterday, sooner than I expected! She’s gorgeous. She’s very hard to describe, but let’s just say she’s huge. Her upper arm’s bigger than my wrist. Her powder blue dress is beautiful with sequins, pearls, lace, chiffon, bugle beads and satin. If people saw my dolls and didn’t know any better, they’d think my favorite color was light blue! Anyway, the floral lace hem at the bottom is gorgeous, and she’s got 3-4 layers on counting the stiff net-like stuff that’s underneath to make the gown flare out. I don’t know what it is, but there’s this icy glaze over the surface of the satiny part that’s really nice. She has lace gloves that the hands stick out of that are of the same lace that makes up the hem of her dress.

She came with a pearl necklace and pearl drop earrings that you’re supposed to stick straight in the holes drilled in the earlobes, but they kept slipping out so I had to glue them in. Her earlobes are part of the head and not separate where you can grab both sides of them like with a person, so I couldn’t simply bend the earrings and hook them in. Her dangling pearl earrings are similar to Summer Dream’s.

She has a pretty hairpiece shaped almost like a halo that’s made of pearls and lace, but I’m not using it cuz it doesn’t stay on very well, and it doesn’t look as nice as how I have it now. I have the sides pulled back and the rest loose. Her dark blond hair is curly and I decided not to straighten it.

Her aqua-blue eyes are runner-up between all my dolls as far as realism goes.

It was a bitch trying to figure out how her stand works since it’s different from any other stand I have. At first, I thought it was just the always-a-problem-with-dolls-I-get problem I had to deal with and that they forgot to ship the part of the stand that catches her at the waist, but that’s not how she stands. You shove a rod up her crotch, then screw it into her round stand which is almost as round in diameter as an old 12” album.

I left off her pantaloons, which are as long as my arms. For two reasons - they’re not necessary since you can’t see them anyway, and because I couldn’t figure out how to get them on over the stand.

Her shoes could fit a 3-year-old. The only thing that makes no sense is why they put girl socks and girl shoes on this obvious woman doll. She not only has a woman’s face, but she has tits girls don’t have. She’s soft-bodied from just under the tits to her shins. Besides, socks and shoes like she’s wearing (not that you can see them under her gown) don’t go with her dazzling fancy dress. I’d put her in stockings and heels, not socks and girl’s shoes.

Her face, which is just average, looks better in person than on TV. I definitely got her mainly for her dress and height. I see a slight resemblance to Juice Newton when I look at her from certain angles.

Her head moves, and her arms do, too. Her arms move front and back, but not at the sides. They do move in and out a little, but that’s only to give it flexibility when you’re dressing/undressing the doll. They don’t stay that way, though. Once you let go, it goes right back to where it was. I thought it looked better with one arm in a little more towards the body, so I stuck a bead in her shoulder socket to keep it in. They tend to have a doll’s arms stick out too much away from the body. Also, I like how the head’s attached at the top of the neck, rather than at the bass as with Bailey and Maria. It’s less noticeable at the top.

She also came with a little purse that matches her dress. It’s got a long pearl strap so you can hang it from her shoulder, but I chose to wrap the pearl strap around her hand and have the purse dangling from her hand.

She’s number 99 out of 300.

They sent me a complimentary scarf with dull neutral colors, but I’ll keep it anyway. I also got a card for subscribing to doll magazines, but I opted not to do that. After I get the rest of the dolls I want, I don’t want to be seeing more gorgeous dolls that I can’t get till there’s extra money for that again.

Tom set things up so I don’t have any claims to the new house/property, even though we both know it’s our place so that if he dies, I could just take the $50,000 of life insurance and get out of there without any responsibilities holding me there. That’s very sweet of him, but I meant it when I said that if he died, I’d die. Where would I go? How would I live? And even if I could stay at the house with a million dollars and live just fine, I wouldn’t want to. I won’t live if he can’t, whether or not we’re rich or poor.

I’m on my third page here and I’m still not done. I still have to write about the home inspection they did yesterday, but I’ll do it later.

Later…

This sucks. I’ve been recording 80s stuff all day and they haven’t played one good song that I don’t already have.

Anyway, the home inspection was more involved than I thought it’d be. I thought just one person would come out and breeze in and out of the house in ten minutes, but instead, the H’s realtor came to the house with two inspectors. The H’s are the people buying this house, by the way. Their names are on some of the forms Steven sent us. Along with the Realtor and the two inspectors, the H's came to the house with a friend of theirs. So, there were a lot of people here yesterday.

I don’t know what the results of the inspection will be, which was done by two guys in their late 40s-early 50s. They were nice, though. Especially the one with the German accent.

I was surprised the buyers were here, but Tom said that that was good. They should be here to know what’s going on so that they don’t have any questions in the future. I guess Steven’s gonna contact us about it sometime next week. Tom’s nervous about it, but I’m not, even though perhaps I should be. I mean, this is where God could really get us. He could really mess with our plans and make our lives miserable if he wanted to. If he’s gonna do this I suppose now would be the time to, but I’d like to think and hope that he wouldn’t be that mean to us after how long and hard we’ve worked to get out of here and into where we’re going, even if we do have to stay in an apartment for a month or two on our way there. Maybe I’m not nervous cuz I don’t have a bad vibe. I don’t vibe the H’s backing out. They seem too eager to move in here, and I’d think I’d sense it if they were gonna back out on us. Also, why would I get such a strong home vibe on that land if it weren’t meant to be ours? Just because I wished it could be? I don’t think so. I think it was more than just wishful thinking.

Also, the H’s seem very easy-going and easy to please. They don’t strike me as the type to make serious demands, changes, or additions that we’ll have to negotiate. We’ll see, though.

Ms. H and I talked yesterday and she is one of the nicest people I ever met that you just feel instantly comfortable with. Good looking too, although not fantasy kind of good looking. She looks great and is in excellent shape for being in her 40s. I’m sure it’s the result of never having kids unless she has kids that are on their own since she said it’ll just be her, her new husband, and his dad who’ll be having hip surgery, who was one of the few that stayed skinny after having kids. However, she strikes me as the classic woman whose right to have kids was stolen from her. She totally strikes me as the type who loves kids and who wanted them, but I’ll bet you anything she could never have kids. Why she never adopted, beats me, but maybe she did and they’re already on their own.

Anyway, I asked her if she worked out (even her handshake was firm and bone-crunching) and she said she swims a lot at the house she and and her husband are now renting. Also, this is their first house.

When they told me they have 3 dogs, I no longer felt so bad for them having to be next to a pack of wild freeloaders, cuz if you can stand 3 dogs that are no doubt gonna be out back barking non-stop, you should be able to stand music and other things. They do seem pretty easy-going and tolerable to me. I’m still glad, nonetheless, that no one banged in next door while they were here. Let them get introduced to and acquainted with next door’s shit after we move.

I guess Mr. H grew up in Sunny Slope and Ms. H is from Texas. What a nice Texan. Usually, they’re prejudiced, conceited snobs like Donna and Rosemarie were from the Vista. Texans hate everyone. The only thing they do right is killing their violent offenders.

Anyway, she admired Ciara, said she had braces too, and that her mom died. Maybe that’s why they’re suddenly buying a house and can afford to put a $23,000 deposit down like they said they would. They must’ve inherited some dough.

She asked me why the electric bill was so high. I just said I keep the AC cranked up all the time, but Tom told me later that it’s not high. Whatever.

She asked me what I liked best about the house. The truth is - none of it, but I told her the pool.

To get an idea of just how serious they are about moving in here, I asked her if she was excited about moving in and she nodded yes with a big grin, so I guess that and my vibes answer that.

She thought Ratsy was so cute, but I stopped her from patting him before he could bite her like he does with Tom. She thought the mice were cute too, and says, “So the place has mice.” Ha, ha!

The thing that had Tom and I baffled was how Mr. H was boasting about this being a great neighborhood. How does he know that if he grew up in Sunny Slope? Well, he’s gonna be very disappointed when he finds out that his lazy, inconsiderate freeloader neighbors can be so loud and messy.

[casspurrjoybell-29]

Healing Ties - Chapter 34 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

Yore didn't sleep well that night and he was up early the next morning.

He had a lot of thinking to do.

He essentially had to remap his entire life in his mind.

The limited future he'd planned for no longer existed.

Now he had to plan for a family of his own, inheritance, and so many other things.

That was by no means a bad thing, of course.

He also had to plan for the immediate future.

How he would tell everyone about what Fanner was doing for him.

He wanted to get that right.

Fanner deserved to be appreciated not just for what he could do but also for the courage it had taken to make himself vulnerable.

Fanner, meanwhile, had knocked out early and slept through the night.

Yore suspected that after taking energy from him, Fanner had continued to use his own to finish healing Yore and run his reserves low again.

He really didn't have to do that and Yore hoped to convince him of that but not today.

For now, he just wanted Fanner to feel good about what he'd achieved.

Yore had been considering writing Fanner a note so that he could sleep in while Yore got started on his journey but as he was getting dressed Fanner stirred awake.

Fanner covered a yawn with the back of his hand as he pushed himself up.

"Are you leaving?"

"I was planning to head out, yeah. Do you need anything before I go?"

Fanner shook his head.

"Okay. I should be back tomorrow but if not, the day after. Once I'm back, we can sit down and have a conversation about when and how we're going to tell everyone else about all of this."

"I'll do things however you want."

"I want for you to have a say."

Fanner looked away.

"I just... don't really know. You seem to be good at these sorts of things."

"Fair enough. Sometimes an opinion is just that you don't want to have to be the one who does the talking. That's reasonable. We'll make those decisions together, okay?"

Fanner nodded, his lips self consciously pressing down to try to hide a smile.

Yore didn't try to suppress the one he gave Fanner in return.

"All right, I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Good luck with, um..."

Yore laughed.

"Yeah. Guess we'll see how well this thing works now."

As Yore left his cabin, he was still smiling.

********

Fanner had another day with Slone and it was just as fun as the last one.

They climbed trees, walked along the edge of a creek and explored all the tiny critters that lived there and ate some wild berries.

It was like being a child again, only this time he could do all the things he'd been forbidden to do when he actually had been a child.

"Have you seen Cookie around?" Fanner asked as they sat and ate their lunch.

"Hmm, nah," Slone said. "Can't say I have. She don't really leave much of a scent, either, so it's hard to tell if she's been about."

"I hope she's still around but maybe she knows I don't really need her anymore. I want her to be here because she's my friend but I'm safe now and not so scared."

"Could be. Hard to know what goes on in the head of something like that."

"Maybe we could leave out some food for her? Like, some entrails if you hunt something? She likes eating things."

"Sure. Can't say I know how she finds her way to anything, cause she ain't got no eyes or ears or nose but she's gotta have some way. We can give it a go."

********

Yore reached the spire a bit before lunchtime and headed straight for Eleanor's lab in the nearby town.

Eleanor was a doctor or... something like that.

She did medically related things, though she wasn't much like the medical staff Yore had encountered during his time in the human military.

Her lab wasn't much like the places those human doctors worked, either.

Human doctors kept their spaces clean, well lit and minimalist in design and decoration.

Eleanor's lab was dimly lit, adorned with flowing, colourful curtains and decorated with strange sculptures made of coloured glass.

There were several shelves stacked with bottles and jars full of mysterious substances as well as some actual human medical equipment like a microscope and a stethoscope.

And then there was Eleanor herself.

She was more or less human in shape but instead of skin, she was covered in tiny, iridescent scales.

Yore had never been quite sure if they were more along the lines of fish scales or reptile scales.

Perhaps they were their own thing entirely.

"Ah, Yore," Eleanor said as soon as he entered the room.

"For someone so unhealthy, I don't see much of you. How can I help you?"

"Ironically, I'm here because my health has recently improved."

Yore told her.

"I had some issues with achieving an erection and those have been resolved now. I haven't spoken to Aime yet because she lives further out but I'm hoping we'll be able to get started on things now."

"Of course, of course."

Eleanor grabbed an empty jar off a nearby table and handed it to Yore.

"First of all, I'm going to need a sample to make sure your little swimmers are wiggling like they're supposed to. You can take your time getting it but bring it back to me as soon as you're done."

"Okay, I'll, uh... go back to my room and do that, then. Thank you."

"Hmm," was all she said as she turned her back on him and returned her attention to whatever she'd been doing before he had entered.

Yore went to his room at the base of the spire, stripped down and lay down on his bed.

He should have been looking forward to finally getting off, considering he hadn't done so for years at this point but he was apprehensive to say the least.

Sure, everything ought to be fixed now but he'd spent the whole of the previous day being hurt in a way he had previously come to associate with sexual arousal.

He tried touching himself, conjuring up erotic images in his mind but his cock refused to stir.

Yore sighed, pocketed the empty glass jar and returned to Eleanor.

Eleanor held the glass jar up and squinted into it.

"Were my instructions unclear?"

Yore rubbed the back of his neck.

"No, your instructions were fine. I just had some... issues. See, it used to hurt when I got an erection. As far as I know, all that physical stuff is fixed now but it's hard to convince my body of that. I couldn't get the job done."

"Hmm," Eleanor said.

"How sure are you that you don't have any physical problems with getting erect anymore?"

"I mean... fairly sure?"

"Hmm."

"You're not going to ask how it got fixed?"

"No, no. I'm very smart. I already figured that out. So, would you say you're sure enough that you'd be willing to reverse the issue?"

"Uhh..." Yore said, still caught on the first part.

"What does that mean? Reverse it?"

"I can make it so that, for a bit, it's more difficult for you to not have an erection. But you probably want to be sure that whatever made that painful is fixed. If it isn't, that would be..." she narrowed her eyes. "Bad."

"I don't know if I'm certain, but I have enough faith to take my chances."

"Great," she said and turned towards one of the shelves stacked with bottles.

She retrieved a large glass bottle full of orangish liquid and a smaller, empty glass bottle.

She eyed him critically as she poured some of the viscous liquid from the large bottle into the smaller one.

"Hmm. You're a large man and werewolves have fast metabolisms..."

She nodded to herself as she settled on an amount, corked the small bottle, and handed it to him.

"It's strong and it acts fast, so wait until you're alone or with a consenting partner to take it. Don't ask what's in it."

Yore immediately uncorked the bottle and sniffed the liquid.

"Why does this smell of semen?"

She clicked her tongue.

"Drats. The orange citrusy smell doesn't cover it up?"

"Not to a werewolf's nose. Is there maybe a version without the semen?"

"Sure, I can whip you up a batch right now. How much do oranges turn you on? Because it's going to mostly just be oranges. No, Yore, I can't make you some without the semen. Do you think I just put that in there for flavour? That's minotaur semen and it's the active ingredient."

"Ugh."

[subnaut1ca]

I think ppl are sosososoososo soooo silly for getting mad at doja saying she hates her fans lmao

Like.... lol yall have sm time ig 😭😭

Idk like... I have no idea what's up with the drama with her boyfriend or whatever, I don't care enough about celeb drama to look it up or waste my time reading about it but if he's as bad of a guy as everyone says he is, that's definitely rough and her endorsing someone who has done smth hurtful or bad is like a bad thing, but she's an adult woman lmao, she has the brain capacity to make her own decisions. Probably more mindfully and logically than the ppl who don't know them typing on the internet...

That aside,

Ppl that say they hate her cause she called her fans out saying they're cringe, or that she hates them/doesn't love them or whatever or says they're cringe, LOL as a doja fan, I think that's some queen powerful pussy shit, like that's so funny girl😭😭 like idk how ppl are so sensitive to take that so personally, like you're telling me, you walk about your day, ahitting your pants over a GENERAL TWEET doja SENT TO TO GENERAL INTERNET saying her fans are whatever?? You're telling me, you care so much about what this person who has never met you, talked to you, or seen you said about a group of ppl??? That's like me saying I hate Cheswick the 3rd... who is Cheswick the 3rd I don't fucking know he could be somebody out there never met him, what's the impact you might ask?? Absolutely nothing, I'm talking straight outta my asshole. What I'm saying doesn't matter especially in context to cheswick. Idk it's ao wild to me that ppl walk around feeling sad that doja cat doesn't love the people she has never seen and met her, and told her she's ugly, or objectified her or whatever. Like ofc that's a group of ppl only, but I get how it can get to a person. Idk this new edgy style she's going for I think is smth she's doing for herself and smth she wants to show she can break out from what her label which she obviously hated made her make lmao ppl are so simple minded and so binary with their thinking, like im not even gonna label what the reason behind her style change is cause ppl ate complex and maybe if I keep guessing I can get to the ballpark I could get it, but I'll never really get the exact reason lol cause that's smth for her lol. Ik it's like ironic to be like meeeh why are ppl blah blah blah they have sm free time to think about mee mee mee l and I'm literally writing an essay abt it. But Idk I peeped her comments and was just kinda thinking so thought I might as well rant abt it in my diary to myself. Idk I'm not pissed off or being dojas keyboard warrior cause I think she's prolly at fault for whatever bf drama is, but when it comes for being an ass online to fans, is it proffessional?? No. Do I care??? Not really it's kinda funny. Do I think she's doing this to lose fans purposefully cause she's over being a celebrity and is still under signature??? Probably. Is she doing it for press??? Yk what they say all press is good press I guess. Was that bars I just spit??? Absolutely yes. Anyways to my main point ppl are so parasocial sit ur ass down, she never lived ur ass uhhhhhh she's not going insane prolly yall sound like mothers being like what hapoened to my sweet beautiful smiling girl 😭😭 when your daughters turns emo uhm, just like idk stop being cringe its her life you dont know what's best for her lmao you don't even know her.

Anyways... deuces

Also ps (edit)

In the song I literally linked there's a FUCKING LINE IN THE SONG THAT SAYS

Quote-> "fans ain't dumb, but extremists are"

Lol stew on that a little yall then rethink yourself

[roman-catholic-mass-readings]

4th February >> Mass Readings (Except USA)

Saturday, Fourth Week in Ordinary Time 

or

Saturday memorial of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Saturday, Fourth Week in Ordinary Time 

(Liturgical Colour: Green)

First Reading Hebrews 13:15-17,20-21 May God turn us all into whatever is acceptable to himself through Jesus Christ.

Through Christ, let us offer God an unending sacrifice of praise, a verbal sacrifice that is offered every time we acknowledge his name. Keep doing good works and sharing your resources, for these are sacrifices that please God.

Obey your leaders and do as they tell you, because they must give an account of the way they look after your souls; make this a joy for them to do, and not a grief – you yourselves would be the losers. I pray that the God of peace, who brought our Lord Jesus back from the dead to become the great Shepherd of the sheep by the blood that sealed an eternal covenant, may make you ready to do his will in any kind of good action; and turn us all into whatever is acceptable to himself through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever, Amen.

The Word of the Lord

R/ Thanks be to God.

Responsorial Psalm Psalm 22(23)

R/ The Lord is my shepherd: there is nothing I shall want.

The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I shall want. Fresh and green are the pastures where he gives me repose. Near restful waters he leads me, to revive my drooping spirit.

R/ The Lord is my shepherd: there is nothing I shall want.

He guides me along the right path; he is true to his name. If I should walk in the valley of darkness no evil would I fear. You are there with your crook and your staff; with these you give me comfort.

R/ The Lord is my shepherd: there is nothing I shall want.

You have prepared a banquet for me in the sight of my foes. My head you have anointed with oil; my cup is overflowing.

R/ The Lord is my shepherd: there is nothing I shall want.

Surely goodness and kindness shall follow me all the days of my life. In the Lord’s own house shall I dwell for ever and ever.

R/ The Lord is my shepherd: there is nothing I shall want.

Gospel Acclamation John 10:27

Alleluia, alleluia! The sheep that belong to me listen to my voice, says the Lord, I know them and they follow me. Alleluia!

Gospel Mark 6:30-34 They were like sheep without a shepherd.

The apostles rejoined Jesus and told him all they had done and taught. Then he said to them, ‘You must come away to some lonely place all by yourselves and rest for a while’; for there were so many coming and going that the apostles had no time even to eat. So they went off in a boat to a lonely place where they could be by themselves. But people saw them going, and many could guess where; and from every town they all hurried to the place on foot and reached it before them. So as he stepped ashore he saw a large crowd; and he took pity on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd, and he set himself to teach them at some length.

The Gospel of the Lord

R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

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Saturday memorial of the Blessed Virgin Mary   

(Liturgical Colour: White)

(Readings for the memorial)

(There is a choice today between the readings for the ferial day (Saturday) and those for the memorial. The ferial readings are recommended unless pastoral reasons suggest otherwise)

Either:

First Reading Genesis 3:9-15,20 The mother of all those who live.

After Adam had eaten of the tree the Lord God called to him. ‘Where are you?’ he asked. ‘I heard the sound of you in the garden;’ he replied ‘I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.’ ‘Who told you that you were naked?’ he asked ‘Have you been eating of the tree I forbade you to eat?’ The man replied, ‘It was the woman you put with me; she gave me the fruit, and I ate it.’ Then the Lord God asked the woman, ‘What is this you have done?’ The woman replied, ‘The serpent tempted me and I ate.’ Then the Lord God said to the serpent, ‘Because you have done this,

‘Be accursed beyond all cattle, all wild beasts. You shall crawl on your belly and eat dust every day of your life. I will make you enemies of each other: you and the woman, your offspring and her offspring. It will crush your head and you will strike its heel.’

The man named his wife ‘Eve’ because she was the mother of all those who live.

The Word of the Lord

R/ Thanks be to God.

OR: --------

First reading Genesis 12:1-7 All the tribes of the earth shall bless themselves by you

The Lord said to Abram, ‘Leave your country, your family and your father’s house, for the land I will show you. I will make you a great nation; I will bless you and make your name so famous that it will be used as a blessing.

‘I will bless those who bless you: I will curse those who slight you. All the tribes of the earth shall bless themselves by you.’

So Abram went as the Lord told him, and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he left Haran. Abram took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, all the possessions they had amassed and the people they had acquired in Haran. They set off for the land of Canaan, and arrived there. Abram passed through the land as far as Shechem’s holy place, the Oak of Moreh. At that time the Canaanites were in the land. The Lord appeared to Abram and said, ‘It is to your descendants that I will give this land.’ So Abram built there an altar for the Lord who had appeared to him.

OR: --------

First reading 2 Samuel 7:1-5,8-11,16 The Lord will make you great; the Lord will make you a House

Once David had settled into his house and the Lord had given him rest from all the enemies surrounding him, the king said to the prophet Nathan, ‘Look, I am living in a house of cedar while the ark of God dwells in a tent.’ Nathan said to the king, ‘Go and do all that is in your mind, for the Lord is with you.’ But that very night the word of the Lord came to Nathan: ‘Go and tell my servant David, “Thus the Lord speaks: Are you the man to build me a house to dwell in? I took you from the pasture, from following the sheep, to be leader of my people Israel; I have been with you on all your expeditions; I have cut off all your enemies before you. I will give you fame as great as the fame of the greatest on earth. I will provide a place for my people Israel; I will plant them there and they shall dwell in that place and never be disturbed again; nor shall the wicked continue to oppress them as they did, in the days when I appointed judges over my people Israel; I will give them rest from all their enemies. The Lord will make you great; the Lord will make you a House. Your House and your sovereignty will always stand secure before me and your throne be established for ever.”’

OR: --------

First reading 1 Chronicles 15:3-4,15-16,16:1-2 They brought in the ark of God and put it inside the tent that David had pitched for it

David gathered all Israel together to bring the ark of God up to the place he had prepared for it. David called together the sons of Aaron and the sons of Levi. And the Levites carried the ark of God with the shafts on their shoulders, as Moses had ordered in accordance with the word of the Lord. David then told the heads of the Levites to assign duties for their kinsmen as cantors, with their various instruments of music, harps and lyres and cymbals, to play joyful tunes. They brought the ark of God in and put it inside the tent that David had pitched for it; and they offered holocausts before God, and communion sacrifices. And when David had finished offering holocausts and communion sacrifices, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord.

OR: --------

First reading Proverbs 8:22-31 Before the earth came into being, Wisdom was born

The Wisdom of God cries aloud:

The Lord created me when his purpose first unfolded, before the oldest of his works. From everlasting I was firmly set, from the beginning, before earth came into being. The deep was not, when I was born, there were no springs to gush with water. Before the mountains were settled, before the hills, I came to birth; before he made the earth, the countryside, or the first grains of the world’s dust. When he fixed the heavens firm, I was there, when he drew a ring on the surface of the deep, when he thickened the clouds above, when he fixed fast the springs of the deep, when he assigned the sea its boundaries  – and the waters will not invade the shore – when he laid down the foundations of the earth, I was by his side, a master craftsman, delighting him day after day, ever at play in his presence, at play everywhere in his world, delighting to be with the sons of men.

OR: --------

First reading Ecclesiasticus 24:1-4,8-12,18-21 From eternity, in the beginning, God created wisdom

Wisdom speaks her own praises, in the midst of her people she glories in herself. She opens her mouth in the assembly of the Most High, she glories in herself in the presence of the Mighty One: ‘I came forth from the mouth of the Most High, and I covered the earth like a mist. I had my tent in the heights, and my throne in a pillar of cloud. Then the creator of all things instructed me, and he who created me fixed a place for my tent. He said, “Pitch your tent in Jacob, make Israel your inheritance.” From eternity, in the beginning, he created me, and for eternity I shall remain. I ministered before him in the holy tabernacle, and thus was I established on Zion. In the beloved city he has given me rest, and in Jerusalem I wield my authority. I have taken root in a privileged people, in the Lord’s property, in his inheritance. Approach me, you who desire me, and take your fill of my fruits, for memories of me are sweeter than honey, inheriting me is sweeter than the honeycomb. They who eat me will hunger for more, they who drink me will thirst for more. Whoever listens to me will never have to blush, whoever acts as I dictate will never sin.’

OR: --------

First reading Isaiah 7:10-14,8:10 The maiden is with child

The Lord spoke to Ahaz and said, ‘Ask the Lord your God for a sign for yourself coming either from the depths of Sheol or from the heights above.’ ‘No,’ Ahaz answered ‘I will not put the Lord to the test.’ Then Isaiah said:

‘Listen now, House of David: are you not satisfied with trying the patience of men without trying the patience of my God, too? The Lord himself, therefore, will give you a sign. It is this: the maiden is with child and will soon give birth to a son whom she will call Immanuel, a name which means “God-is-with-us.”’

OR: --------

First reading Isaiah 9:1-6 A Son is given to us

The people that walked in darkness has seen a great light; on those who live in a land of deep shadow a light has shone. You have made their gladness greater, you have made their joy increase; they rejoice in your presence as men rejoice at harvest time, as men are happy when they are dividing the spoils.

For the yoke that was weighing on him, the bar across his shoulders, the rod of his oppressor, these you break as on the day of Midian.

For all the footgear of battle, every cloak rolled in blood, is burnt, and consumed by fire.

For there is a child born for us, a son given to us and dominion is laid on his shoulders; and this is the name they give him: Wonder-Counsellor, Mighty-God, Eternal-Father, Prince-of-Peace.

OR: --------

First reading Isaiah 61:9-11 I exult for joy in the Lord

Their race will be famous throughout the nations, their descendants throughout the peoples. All who see them will admit that they are a race whom the Lord has blessed.

‘I exult for joy in the Lord, my soul rejoices in my God, for he has clothed me in the garments of salvation, he has wrapped me in the cloak of integrity, like a bridegroom wearing his wreath, like a bride adorned in her jewels.

‘For as the earth makes fresh things grow, as a garden makes seeds spring up, so will the Lord make both integrity and praise spring up in the sight of the nations.’

OR: --------

First reading Micah 5:1-4 He will stand and feed his flock with the power of the Lord

The Lord says this:

But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, the least of the clans of Judah, out of you will be born for me the one who is to rule over Israel; his origin goes back to the distant past, to the days of old. The Lord is therefore going to abandon them till the time when she who is to give birth gives birth. Then the remnant of his brothers will come back to the sons of Israel. He will stand and feed his flock with the power of the Lord, with the majesty of the name of his God. They will live secure, for from then on he will extend his power to the ends of the land. He himself will be peace.

OR: --------

First reading Zechariah 2:14-17 'I am coming', says the Lord

Sing, rejoice, daughter of Zion; for I am coming to dwell in the middle of you – it is the Lord who speaks. Many nations will join the Lord, on that day; they will become his people. But he will remain among you, and you will know that the Lord of Hosts has sent me to you. But the Lord will hold Judah as his portion in the Holy Land, and again make Jerusalem his very own. Let all mankind be silent before the Lord! For he is awaking and is coming from his holy dwelling.

EITHER: --------

Responsorial Psalm 1 Samuel 2:1,4-8

My heart exults in the Lord my Saviour.

My heart exults in the Lord. I find my strength in my God; my mouth laughs at my enemies as I rejoice in your saving help.

My heart exults in the Lord my Saviour.

The bows of the mighty are broken, but the weak are clothed with strength. Those with plenty must labour for bread, but the hungry need work no more. The childless wife has children now but the fruitful wife bears no more.

My heart exults in the Lord my Saviour.

It is the Lord who gives life and death, he brings men to the grave and back; it is the Lord who gives poverty and riches. He brings men low and raises them on high.

My heart exults in the Lord my Saviour.

He lifts up the lowly from the dust, from the dungheap he raises the poor to set him in the company of princes to give him a glorious throne. For the pillars of the earth are the Lord’s, on them he has set the world.

My heart exults in the Lord my Saviour.

OR: --------

Responsorial Psalm Judith 13:18a-19

You are the highest honour of our race!

May you be blessed, my daughter, by God Most High, beyond all women on earth; and may the Lord God be blessed, the Creator of heaven and earth.

You are the highest honour of our race!

The trust you have shown shall not pass from the memories of men, but shall ever remind them of the power of God.

You are the highest honour of our race!

OR: --------

Responsorial Psalm Psalm 44(45):11-12,14-17

Listen, O daughter, give ear to my words.

Listen, O daughter, give ear to my words: forget your own people and your father’s house. So will the king desire your beauty: He is your lord, pay homage to him.

Listen, O daughter, give ear to my words.

The daughter of the king is clothed with splendour, her robes embroidered with pearls set in gold. She is led to the king with her maiden companions.

Listen, O daughter, give ear to my words.

They are escorted amid gladness and joy; they pass within the palace of the king. Sons shall be yours in place of your fathers: you will make them princes over all the earth.

Listen, O daughter, give ear to my words.

OR: --------

Responsorial Psalm Psalm 112(113):1-7

May the name of the Lord be blessed for evermore! or Alleluia!

Praise, O servants of the Lord, praise the name of the Lord! May the name of the Lord be blessed both now and for evermore!

May the name of the Lord be blessed for evermore! or Alleluia!

From the rising of the sun to its setting praised be the name of the Lord! High above all nations is the Lord, above the heavens his glory.

May the name of the Lord be blessed for evermore! or Alleluia!

Who is like the Lord, our God, who has risen on high to his throne yet stoops from the heights to look down, to look down upon heaven and earth? From the dust he lifts up the lowly, from the dungheap he raises the poor

May the name of the Lord be blessed for evermore! or Alleluia!

OR: --------

Responsorial Psalm Luke 1:46-55

The Almighty works marvels for me. Holy is his name! or Blessed is the Virgin Mary, who bore the Son of the eternal Father.

My soul glorifies the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God, my Saviour.

The Almighty works marvels for me. Holy is his name! or Blessed is the Virgin Mary, who bore the Son of the eternal Father.

He looks on his servant in her nothingness; henceforth all ages will call me blessed. The Almighty works marvels for me. Holy his name!

The Almighty works marvels for me. Holy is his name! or Blessed is the Virgin Mary, who bore the Son of the eternal Father.

His mercy is from age to age, on those who fear him. He puts forth his arm in strength and scatters the proud-hearted.

The Almighty works marvels for me. Holy is his name! or Blessed is the Virgin Mary, who bore the Son of the eternal Father.

He casts the mighty from their thrones and raises the lowly. He fills the starving with good things, sends the rich away empty.

The Almighty works marvels for me. Holy is his name! or Blessed is the Virgin Mary, who bore the Son of the eternal Father.

He protects Israel, his servant, remembering his mercy, the mercy promised to our fathers, to Abraham and his sons for ever.

The Almighty works marvels for me. Holy is his name! or Blessed is the Virgin Mary, who bore the Son of the eternal Father.

Gospel Acclamation cf.Lk1:28

Alleluia, alleluia! Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee! Blessed art thou among women. Alleluia!

Or: cf.Lk1:45

Alleluia, alleluia! Blessed is the Virgin Mary, who believed that the promise made her by the Lord would be fulfilled. Alleluia!

Or: cf.Lk2:19

Alleluia, alleluia! Blessed is the Virgin Mary, who treasured the word of God and pondered it in her heart. Alleluia!

Or: Lk11:28

Alleluia, alleluia! Happy are those who hear the word of God and keep it. Alleluia!

Or:

Alleluia, alleluia! Blessed are you, holy Virgin Mary, and most worthy of all praise, for the sun of justice, Christ our God, was born of you. Alleluia!

Or:

Alleluia, alleluia! Happy is the Virgin Mary, who, without dying, won the palm of martyrdom beneath the cross of the Lord. Alleluia!

EITHER: --------

Gospel Matthew 1:1-16,18-23 The ancestry and conception of Jesus Christ

A genealogy of Jesus Christ, son of David, son of Abraham:

Abraham was the father of Isaac, Isaac the father of Jacob, Jacob the father of Judah and his brothers, Judah was the father of Perez and Zerah, Tamar being their mother, Perez was the father of Hezron, Hezron the father of Ram, Ram was the father of Amminadab, Amminadab the father of Nahshon, Nahshon the father of Salmon, Salmon was the father of Boaz, Rahab being his mother, Boaz was the father of Obed, Ruth being his mother, Obed was the father of Jesse; and Jesse was the father of King David.

David was the father of Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife, Solomon was the father of Rehoboam, Rehoboam the father of Abijah, Abijah the father of Asa, Asa was the father of Jehoshaphat, Jehoshaphat the father of Joram, Joram the father of Azariah, Azariah was the father of Jotham, Jotham the father of Ahaz, Ahaz the father of Hezekiah, Hezekiah was the father of Manasseh, Manasseh the father of Amon, Amon the father of Josiah; and Josiah was the father of Jechoniah and his brothers. Then the deportation to Babylon took place.

After the deportation to Babylon: Jechoniah was the father of Shealtiel, Shealtiel the father of Zerubbabel, Zerubbabel was the father of Abiud, Abiud the father of Eliakim, Eliakim the father of Azor, Azor was the father of Zadok, Zadok the father of Achim, Achim the father of Eliud, Eliud was the father of Eleazar, Eleazar the father of Matthan, Matthan the father of Jacob; and Jacob was the father of Joseph the husband of Mary; of her was born Jesus who is called Christ.

This is how Jesus Christ came to be born. His mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph; but before they came to live together she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Her husband Joseph; being a man of honour and wanting to spare her publicity, decided to divorce her informally. He had made up his mind to do this when the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because she has conceived what is in her by the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son and you must name him Jesus, because he is the one who is to save his people from their sins.’ Now all this took place to fulfil the words spoken by the Lord through the prophet:

The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son and they will call him Emmanuel,

a name which means ‘God-is-with-us.’

OR: --------

Gospel Matthew 1:18-23 How Jesus Christ came to be born

This is how Jesus Christ came to be born. His mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph; but before they came to live together she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Her husband Joseph; being a man of honour and wanting to spare her publicity, decided to divorce her informally. He had made up his mind to do this when the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because she has conceived what is in her by the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son and you must name him Jesus, because he is the one who is to save his people from their sins.’ Now all this took place to fulfil the words spoken by the Lord through the prophet:

The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son and they will call him Emmanuel,

a name which means ‘God-is-with-us.’

OR: --------

Gospel Matthew 2:13-15,19-23 The flight into Egypt and the return to Nazareth

After the wise men had left, the angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said, ‘Get up, take the child and his mother with you, and escape into Egypt, and stay there until I tell you, because Herod intends to search for the child and do away with him.’ So Joseph got up and, taking the child and his mother with him, left that night for Egypt, where he stayed until Herod was dead. This was to fulfil what the Lord had spoken through the prophet:

I called my son out of Egypt.

After Herod’s death, the angel of the Lord appeared in a dream to Joseph in Egypt and said, ‘Get up, take the child and his mother with you and go back to the land of Israel, for those who wanted to kill the child are dead.’ So Joseph got up and, taking the child and his mother with him, went back to the land of Israel. But when he learnt that Archelaus had succeeded his father Herod as ruler of Judaea he was afraid to go there, and being warned in a dream he left for the region of Galilee. There he settled in a town called Nazareth. In this way the words spoken through the prophets were to be fulfilled:

‘He will be called a Nazarene.’

OR: --------

Gospel Matthew 12:46-50 My mother and my brothers are anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven

Jesus was speaking to the crowds when his mother and his brothers appeared; they were standing outside and were anxious to have a word with him. But to the man who told him this Jesus replied, ‘Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?’ And stretching out his hand towards his disciples he said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers. Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven, he is my brother and sister and mother.’

OR: --------

Gospel Luke 1:26-38 'I am the handmaid of the Lord'

The angel Gabriel was sent by God to a town in Galilee called Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man named Joseph, of the House of David; and the virgin’s name was Mary. He went in and said to her, ‘Rejoice, so highly favoured! The Lord is with you.’ She was deeply disturbed by these words and asked herself what this greeting could mean, but the angel said to her, ‘Mary, do not be afraid; you have won God’s favour. Listen! You are to conceive and bear a son, and you must name him Jesus. He will be great and will be called Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David; he will rule over the House of Jacob for ever and his reign will have no end.’ Mary said to the angel, ‘But how can this come about, since I am a virgin?’ ‘The Holy Spirit will come upon you’ the angel answered ‘and the power of the Most High will cover you with its shadow. And so the child will be holy and will be called Son of God. Know this too: your kinswoman Elizabeth has, in her old age, herself conceived a son, and she whom people called barren is now in her sixth month, for nothing is impossible to God.’ ‘I am the handmaid of the Lord,’ said Mary ‘let what you have said be done to me.’ And the angel left her.

OR: --------

Gospel Luke 1:39-47 Blessed is she who believed the promise

Mary set out and went as quickly as she could to a town in the hill country of Judah. She went into Zechariah’s house and greeted Elizabeth. Now as soon as Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the child leapt in her womb and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. She gave a loud cry and said, ‘Of all women you are the most blessed, and blessed is the fruit of your womb. Why should I be honoured with a visit from the mother of my Lord? For the moment your greeting reached my ears, the child in my womb leapt for joy. Yes, blessed is she who believed that the promise made her by the Lord would be fulfilled.’ And Mary said:

‘My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord and my spirit exults in God my saviour.’

OR: --------

Gospel Luke 2:1-14 'In the town of David a saviour has been born to you'

Caesar Augustus issued a decree for a census of the whole world to be taken. This census – the first – took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria, and everyone went to his own town to be registered. So Joseph set out from the town of Nazareth in Galilee and travelled up to Judaea, to the town of David called Bethlehem, since he was of David’s House and line, in order to be registered together with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. While they were there the time came for her to have her child, and she gave birth to a son, her first born. She wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them at the inn. In the countryside close by there were shepherds who lived in the fields and took it in turns to watch their flocks during the night. The angel of the Lord appeared to them and the glory of the Lord shone round them. They were terrified, but the angel said, ‘Do not be afraid. Listen, I bring you news of great joy, a joy to be shared by the whole people. Today in the town of David a saviour has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. And here is a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger.’ And suddenly with the angel there was a great throng of the heavenly host, praising God and singing:

‘Glory to God in the highest heaven, and peace to men who enjoy his favour.’

OR: --------

Gospel Luke 2:15-19 The shepherds hurried to Bethlehem and found the baby lying in the manger

Now when the angels had gone from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, ‘Let us go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened which the Lord has made known to us.’ So they hurried away and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in the manger. When they saw the child they repeated what they had been told about him, and everyone who heard it was astonished at what the shepherds had to say. As for Mary, she treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart.

OR: --------

Gospel Luke 2:27-35 'A sword will pierce your soul too'

Prompted by the Spirit Simeon came to the Temple; and when the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the Law required, he took him into his arms and blessed God; and he said:

‘Now, Master, you can let your servant go in peace, just as you promised; because my eyes have seen the salvation which you have prepared for all the nations to see, a light to enlighten the pagans and the glory of your people Israel.’

As the child’s father and mother stood there wondering at the things that were being said about him, Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, ‘You see this child: he is destined for the fall and for the rising of many in Israel, destined to be a sign that is rejected – and a sword will pierce your own soul too – so that the secret thoughts of many may be laid bare.’

OR: --------

Gospel Luke 2:41-52 Mary stored up all these things in her heart

Every year the parents of Jesus used to go to Jerusalem for the feast of the Passover. When he was twelve years old, they went up for the feast as usual. When they were on their way home after the feast, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem without his parents knowing it. They assumed he was with the caravan, and it was only after a day’s journey that they went to look for him among their relations and acquaintances. When they failed to find him they went back to Jerusalem looking for him everywhere. Three days later, they found him in the Temple, sitting among the doctors, listening to them, and asking them questions; and all those who heard him were astounded at his intelligence and his replies. They were overcome when they saw him, and his mother said to him, ‘My child, why have, you done this to us? See how worried your father and I have been, looking for you.’ ‘Why were you looking for me?’ he replied. ‘Did you not know that I must be busy with my Father’s affairs?’ But they did not understand what he meant. He then went down with them and came to Nazareth and lived under their authority. His mother stored up all these things in her heart. And Jesus increased in wisdom, in stature, and in favour with God and men.

OR: --------

Gospel Luke 11:27-28 'Happy the womb that bore you and the breasts you sucked!'

As Jesus was speaking, a woman in the crowd raised her voice and said, ‘Happy the womb that bore you and the breasts you sucked!’ But he replied, ‘Still happier those who hear the word of God and keep it!’

OR: --------

Gospel John 2:1-11 'My hour has not come yet' - 'Do whatever he tells you'

There was a wedding at Cana in Galilee. The mother of Jesus was there, and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited. When they ran out of wine, since the wine provided for the wedding was all finished, the mother of Jesus said to him, ‘They have no wine.’ Jesus said ‘Woman, why turn to me? My hour has not come yet.’ His mother said to the servants, ‘Do whatever he tells you.’ There were six stone water jars standing there, meant for the ablutions that are customary among the Jews: each could hold twenty or thirty gallons. Jesus said to the servants, ‘Fill the jars with water’, and they filled them to the brim. ‘Draw some out now’ he told them ‘and take it to the steward.’ They did this; the steward tasted the water, and it had turned into wine. Having no idea where it came from – only the servants who had drawn the water knew – the steward called the bridegroom and said, ‘People generally serve the best wine first, and keep the cheaper sort till the guests have had plenty to drink; but you have kept the best wine till now.’ This was the first of the signs given by Jesus: it was given at Cana in Galilee. He let his glory be seen, and his disciples believed in him.

Or:

Gospel John 19:25-27 'Woman, this is your son'.

Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother and his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary of Magdala. Seeing his mother and the disciple he loved standing near her, Jesus said to his mother, ‘Woman, this is your son.’ Then to the disciple he said, ‘This is your mother.’ And from that moment the disciple made a place for her in his home.

The Gospel of the Lord

R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

[marcsburnerphone]

Endless (sierra six x f reader)

Warnings: angst(light), smut, interesting word choice 

last part of sleepless enjoy

Heavily listened to these while writing:)))))

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Everything felt off you haven't broken any kinds of “rules” or nothing has ever been off balance or risky. You've lived a boring life ever since mom and dad had passed you lived it with claire and later on came six he was new even better than uncle fitz.

Now as you all sat here at dinner the only person talking was claire he wouldn't even look at you and you couldn't comprehend the words coming from your little sister as you ate.

“Anyways you guys should train more.” you had heard that and acted like you hadn't, the tension was so strong the air felt stolen.

“Hello whats wrong with you guys.” you looked up to her with sorry eyes you hadn't wanted to make her feel ignored but you wanted to get the hell off this table.

“Nothing sorry claire just thinking i guess.” you'd been mostly truthful just not letting on too much information.

“About what.” you looked to six for the fastest second your body always told truths before your mouth did, but she hadn't noticed and he sat and ate so quietly he looked up for a moment then to claire then back down to his plate.

“Um nothing really i guess just i don't know just thinking.” you mumbled cause how were you going to say that for a second earlier you wanted to kiss six and if she hadnt said anything your sure you would have.

“Its okay i think about nothing all the time its all there is to do in this house.” she retorted quickly you loved her witt its what kept you going most days claire was basically your daughter and you wouldn't have it any other way.

“So six what'd you think of y/n’s skills hmm?” god you wanted to sink into the fucking seat.

“Hm oh um they could use some work but their pretty good.” he needed a nap cause he felt like he was going wild he was glancing at you this whole time and for the time hes known you, your body language is like a book hes never put down your so obviously nervous.

“Im sure she could kick your ass if she really wanted too.” you laughed and you heard him do it too.

“Im sure she could.” he replied you finally made eye contact with him and it felt as if you had seen straight into him and as fast as your eyes met his they looked away.

“Alright ladies and gentlemen im off to sleep can i listen to a record?” claire said standing with her plate and pushing in her chair.

“Yeah but not too loud okay goodnight love.” you watched her smile at you then to six who muttered his soft goodnight.

You could always tell he cared for her she softened him so did you but claire had first. Once she left you got up and took your dish to sink which six followed to do behind you.

“Do you need help cleaning up.” he said placing his dish in the sink his arm brushing your side as he did so you almost wanted to lean into his touch.

“No its okay i got it thankyou though.” you replied softly grabbing the pots from the stove placing them in the sink.

You wanted him to walk away but he didn't he started putting the ingredients you had used to make dinner away after he told you he was going to check the grounds quickly and hed be back inside soon to lock up you finished the dishes and went to shower and get ready for bed.

You finished up and still haven't heard six come in so you walked the house with no sign of him you checked the back calling his name softly with no response you had walked back towards your room in the hall before you seen him turn the corner meeting his eyes.

“Sorry i didn't hear you come in so i was just going to make sure you were alright.” you spoke lowly but fastly your voice barely above a whisper.

“Im alright.” was all he said as he drank in the sight of you. You had wet hair in your pajamas your eyes a little droopy and the soft pout of your lips and knowing you were concerned about him made it all the better and before he could stop himself he began leaning in.

You let him there was almost a sense of relief when he tangled a hand in your hair to pull you in and as his lips touched yours ever so gently you swore you felt like you'd done this before he was familiar and to him you felt like home the ever longing comfort but also new and exciting.

He pulled away instantaneously he watched as confusion filled your eyes as they searched his own he wasn't good enough for you he could never be. He needed you guys and he cant afford to screw it.

“I cant im sorry i cant.” his hand fell to your arms with a small squeeze you mentally searched for the right words.

“Six whats wrong.” you asked you aren't angry you were just a little sad and concerned.

“I don't know i cant afford to hurt you im not a relationship guy i mean- once i start with you i wont be able to stop.” he didn't know what he had expected from his confession but what you did wasn't it.

You held him in a tight embrace your arms around his waist as his froze in their place he hasn't hugged anyone in a very long time but as you held him he found the piece of mind to hold you back.

“I never asked you to be perfect.” was all you said pulling from his grasp he couldn’t help but drink up your words and he felt like something new came over him as he looked at you .

In the midst of all this he was going to have you now crashing his lips against yours knocking you back a few steps before his hand snaked its way up your side back into your hair giving it a slight pull to tilt your head for easier access he wanted all of you.

He leaned you against a wall holsting your leg up signaling for you to jump and you did so, he held you with ease kissing down your jaw your hands found their home in his hair pulling softly as he let out a deep groan.

“Tell me what you want y/n.” he whispered into your ear then kissed his way back to your mouth.

“Come on six dont make me spell it out for you, you know what i want.” he smiled a genuine toothy smile.

“Ill do anything you want, anything you just have to say it outloud.” you swore you felt your thighs tighten around his waist as he told you that and looked right into your eyes as he did so and he was honest.

“fuck me six.” you replied to which he immeadtley responded to with a nod as you connected your lips back to his.

“I can do that” he quickly retorted before Guiding you back to your room which was easy work he knew this house like the back of his hand.

Kicking open your door softly he laid you on your back watching over you he waited for this he was patient for you and six was never a patient man. 

He lifted your shirt off and then his throwing it somewhere, your eyes trailed his chest and your hands ran over the scars on his shoulder he watched the immediate sympathy taint your features. 

“They're old, they don’t bother me.” He whispered to you grabbing your hand and kissing it.

You pulled him desperate he drew down your pajama shorts before kneeling down to kiss down your body slowly and sensually he was going to take his time.

His hands ran down your sides and landing them on your thighs with his head between your legs kissing them tentatively before his mouth drew kisses where you wanted him most.

 He slid your cute panty set off your legs making goosebumps rise on your skin you felt him smirk against your leg.

“Stop being a teas-“ before you could finish you felt his tounge in you working your clit with experience and motivation.

You whimpered trying to keep quiet, he unhooked an arm from your waist and before you knew why you felt it his finger intruding you slightly he thrusted one in making you hands find his hair for a grip he groaned into you as you pulled.

“Oh god six please.” he had finally heard it in the right circumstance with you beneath him as he devours you for his own pleasure.

At this point you were soaking his face and he was loving every second he couldn’t remember that last time he’d been intimate with someone but this blew over everything any sexual interaction that ever existed.

You came quickly bearing down on him closing your legs so tight he reached up his hand to cover your moans he had wanted to hear them so bad but he couldn’t.

“Good girl so wet just for me hm.” You blushed looking away before he grabbed your face forcing you to look at him. 

“don’t look away from me.” He leaned down to kiss you leaving the remnants of his previous activity on your mouth.

“Please six.” You whined making him harder if that was possible he undid his belt letting his pants fold at his ankles along with your ankles he stroked himself and when you caught a glimpse of his size your eyes grew wide.

“what’s wrong sweetheart.” He questioned your look you wore as of now.

“Hopefully this doesn’t give you a big ego but your big and I haven’t done this in a very very very embarrassingly long time.” He kissed you to shut you up you were rambling again and although it was cute you had asked for this and he was going to give it to you.

“I’ll take my time don’t worry relax.” You trusted him with a nod of your head he leaned down hooking his hands down your back to release your bra.

You hear him whisper a beautiful before kissing them leaving one mark on each sucking and playing with the bud you moaned softly it was orchestrated music to his ears. 

You felt him line himself up before slipping in one inch at a time he watched as your face contorted in pleasure and how your soft pouty mouth was swollen from your guys kisses, you looked consumed by him.

He bottomed out letting out a groan and capturing yours with a kiss your soft cry being swallowed by him he started with slow movements before picking up his pace.

“God please faster.” He’s obliged he wanted you to have whatever you pleased he was going to give it to you.

Your hand went to your mouth as he pounded into you the sounds that your cunt was making made his mouth water and the sounds of skin slapping was ringing through your room.

“I’m gonna come.” You breathed out arching your back into him to feel him closer.

“Come beautiful come on.” He began circling 8s on your clit throwing his head back at how good you felt the whines you made how little tears welled in the corner of your eyes.

“Oh court fuck.” This was 10 times more intimate by that. He had known you knew his name but you never used it Claire preferred six so it stayed that way but you were fucking him not his secret identity but him. 

His thrust grew faster making your bed inch further on the woods floors he felt animalistic completely enchanted by you.

He suddenly pulled out coming on your chest before laying next to you for a second to gather his breath. 

“I’ll be back.”you came back to this reality after your orgasm he held a warm wash cloth cleaning you up he had gotten dressed again you noticed, before he began brushing the hair from your face leaning down to kiss you again he couldn’t get enough.

“Your so beautiful, how do you feel.” He asked running his hands up and down on your arms.

“Ontop of the world and sleepy.” You replied with a soft smile turning to look at him in all his glory he was unbelievable.

“I don’t want to leave you alone but I can’t sleep in here so how about I help you get dressed and you can sleep on the couch so I can lay with you out there.” You understood he still was on watch and he hadn’t even checked the house you nodded and he found you some new pajamas slipping them on you before lifting you.

“Don’t drop me please.” You say leaning your head in the crook of his neck chasing his warmth.

“I could never let you go.” He said leaning you on the couch then leaving to grab his computer to watch the cameras your head settled in his lap letting his fingers trail in your hair soothing you to sleep.

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my first completed series now i dont know what to write!!!!!! (I’m also free for request !!!)

please leave your opinions i love to know them.

I had to post it like I cannot sleep 🙏

[reebmiester]

Do you have any stucky or Sam/ Bucky or even Sam / Steve recs that you don't mind recommending? Would be super grateful

Yes indeed I do!

SamSteve

When You Have to Go There by Dira Sudis (dsudis)

It had never crossed Sam's mind that he might end up on Wakanda's doorstep the way Steve and Natasha had ended up on his a few years back: battered and on the run, seeking refuge. Even less had he ever imagined that if he did, he would be welcomed in.

5 Times an Avenger Realized They Don't Know Steve + 1 Time One Did by WendyDarling95

A witch sends Steve back mentally and physically to who he was in 1941, and now the Avengers are starting to realize that while they've known Captain America for years now, they may never have met Steve Rogers. Takes place in 2016

5 chapters of an Avenger realizing Steve is more than he seems + 1 where someone knows him very well

how to by orphan_account

Sam Wilson was the Picasso of flirting, which was why it was such a shame that Steve could probably get slapped in the face with a dick and still misinterpret a sexual advance as an honest mistake. Oh God, I’m sorry, I accidentally hit your dick with my face. I apologize. I can pay for that. I’m so sorry.

Not Just Anybody (Help) by kototyph

Sam meets a homeless veteran with a famous name.

(and more under the cut)

Off By Two by astolat

“Who sent you?” Steve said.

“Colonel Rhodes tapped me, specifically,” Wilson said. “But pretty much all your friends were behind the idea.”

“All my friends are dead,” Steve said.

Breaking News by astolat

“I’ve sent you keys,” Tony said. “I’ve emailed, I’ve texted, I’ve called. Pepper called. There is an entire floor of Stark Tower waiting for you to move in. And instead here you are living in a two-bedroom shack out in the open with your — extremely hot, by the way, nice job there — boyfriend. The paparazzi are going to eat you alive, Rogers.” (honestly anything by astolat is great)

Distance Between by thingswithwings

Sam's doing paperwork when aliens come through a rift in space and start attacking New York.

Liminal by NachoDiablo

“You know, in the future, you tell me that the best thing I can do is start over. Guess that advice still stands, at least temporarily.”

“And did you take that advice, the first time around?”

“Not really,” Steve admits. “But I will this time.”

Or, Steve gets stuck in a 2010 layover en route back to his future.

Home is Home by NachoDiablo

Sam stops by Steve's apartment after a rough mission. (Captain America Sam Wilson/Modern Steve Rogers fic)

#CapLovesFalcon by mrs_d

The wild and winding journey of Sam & Steve's engagement.

Kiss and (Don't) Tell by Anonymous

Steve makes a new friend. Tony just wants the world to make sense.

Not the Destination by KiaraSayre

Before they leave New York, Tony Stark (Tony Stark, Jesus, Sam's not over it, never ever over it) hands him an AmEx Black and says, "Don't let Cap spend it all on egg creams and quarters for the jukebox."

"That is exactly what I'm gonna do," Sam says. "Egg creams and jukeboxes, nonstop. That's how we roll."

Stucky

To Get Lost Is To Learn The Way by Diamond_Raven

While waiting for Bucky to get out of cryo, Steve realizes his life has no direction and his depression rapidly worsens. He knows he won’t find happiness or purpose amongst the modern marvels in the Wakandan city, but he thinks he’ll have better luck in a small, rural fishing village on the outskirts of Wakanda.

One Caress by fuck_me_barnes

Steve's rarely been touched in a way that didn't equate to some kind of hurt. The cold metal of a stethoscope against his frail chest or the sting of a needle drawing yet another blood sample, when he was a sickly child. The bone-shattering punches thrown by the neighborhood bullies on the playground, or by his own father at home, drunk and wild. His mother, weak and clutching at him as she grew more incoherent with the drugs as the cancer ate away at her insides. Touch was something he shied away from, something he told himself he just didn't want.

Except...he did. He just didn't know how.

Until he finds a flyer for a local "affection and intimacy services" program.

In which Steve learns how to become comfortable with touch, and there is one very good dog, and a slow-burn romance.

by the river potomac i sat down and wept by peterstank

They say everyone’s got another half out there somewhere, like all our souls are split in two.

I don’t think it’s like that. I think you’ve got mine and I’ve got yours, and I promise I’ll look after it good while I’m here just so long as you do the same for me.

or: bucky barnes atones

Where the Heart Is by Chancy_Lurking

“Couples are more than welcome to room together.”

Steve freezes up, feels his eyes go a little wide before he can help himself. He stumbles over his words, “Oh, I—No, we’re not—”

“We’re not going to give you any trouble about that,” Fury presses, turning to squint at them head on. “Stark likes to say we’re opened minded and close-knit. Your private life is your business, but you don’t need to hide here, understand?”

Steve goes to reiterate that they’re not a couple, but startles when Bucky’s hand settles on the small of his back. He looks at him like he’s lost his mind, but Bucky’s just smiling at him. “Never can be too careful these days,” he says.

(Steve and Bucky pretend to be a couple when they move in, but at some point, it stops feeling like pretend.)

Reconcilable Differences by NachoDiablo

After a whirlwind romance, Steve and Bucky have been happily married for the past year. At least, that’s what everyone thinks. No one suspects they tied the knot for more practical reasons, not even their closest friends. But now that those practical reasons are sorted, there’s no reason for them to stay married… right?

AKA, "What To Do When Your Zany Fake-Relationship Scheme Actually Works."

Astronomy In Reverse by pansley

A year after the Winter Soldier failed his mission in DC, Bucky Barnes is doing his best to stay under the radar from both Hydra and Steve Rogers. His hope for a peaceful day-to-day life in limbo goes awry, however, when he meets Queens’ newest hero; a pure-hearted kid with a death wish and a ridiculous pair of red and blue pajamas.

The last thing Steve expects when he finally tracks Bucky down is that, not only has the man been living in Queens all this time, right under his nose, but also that, in the two years since they last saw each other, Bucky somehow acquired a kid.

Alternatively: How Peter Parker effectively fucks over Bucky Barnes, and also totally saves him.

to memory now I can't recall by Etharei

While on a mission storming a HYDRA facility, James Buchanan Barnes touches one of the many strange alien devices collected by the Red Skull. He does this, in fact, twice— in the past, and in the future.

Next thing he knows, Bucky Barnes is opening his eyes in the 21st century, which is full of great gadgets and coffee, and at least includes his old pal Steve. (And, inexplicably, a different Stark.) Meanwhile, the Winter Soldier finds himself in the middle of World War Two, helping Captain America hunt down HYDRA (which is at least familiar), pretending to be Bucky Barnes (which is not), and figuring out the very noisy group of soldiers who call themselves the Howling Commandos.

Demobilization by 743ish

When the Statue of Liberty slides into view, the whole ship roars. It’s deafening. Bucky throws his fist in the air and yells along with everyone else. His heart is in his throat. The Statue of goddamn Liberty. Bucky wants to climb up her robe and kiss her sour green face.

------

In 1945, Bucky comes home from the war.

One Cloud Feels Lonely by thecommodore_squid (orphan_account)

“I’m going to take a break for a while,” Steve said quietly, not looking at T’Challa, not knowing that this was what he was gonna do until the words were out of his mouth. “I can’t be on a team right now.”

T’Challa nodded as if he understood. “Alright.”

AKA In which Steve and Bucky both figure out how to be a person again, and it still takes them over 130 years.

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

𝐖𝐡𝐨'𝐬 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐁𝐨𝐬𝐬? (𝐂𝐄𝐎! 𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐢 𝐉𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐡𝐨) 𝐑𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝

𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐: 𝙲𝙴𝙾/𝙳𝚊𝚍! 𝙲𝚑𝚘𝚒 𝙹𝚘𝚗𝚐𝚑𝚘 (𝙰𝚝𝚎𝚎𝚣) × 𝚂𝚎𝚌𝚛𝚎𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚢/𝙼𝚘𝚖! 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛 (𝙵𝚎𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚎)

𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎: 𝚂𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝙰𝚗𝚐𝚜𝚝, 𝙵𝚕𝚞𝚏𝚏, 𝚂𝚖𝚞𝚝, 𝙳𝚊𝚍 𝙰𝚄, 𝙲𝙴𝙾 𝙰𝚄

𝚂𝚞𝚖𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚢: 𝙲𝚑𝚘𝚒 𝙹𝚘𝚗𝚐𝚑𝚘 𝚒𝚜 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚍𝚎𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚘𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚎𝚡𝚒𝚜𝚝. 𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝚋𝚎𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚍𝚘𝚘𝚛𝚜, 𝚑𝚎'𝚜 𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚏𝚊𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚞𝚜𝚋𝚊𝚗𝚍, 𝚠𝚑𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕 𝚋𝚘𝚜𝚜, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚒𝚖 𝚘𝚏 𝚒𝚝.

𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝: 𝟼𝙺+

𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: 𝚂𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚜𝚎𝚡𝚞𝚊𝚕 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝, 𝚘𝚛𝚊𝚕 (𝚖𝚊𝚕𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚒𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐), 𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚓𝚘𝚋, 𝚐𝚊𝚐𝚐𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚔, 𝚜𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚖𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚢/𝚍𝚊𝚍𝚍𝚢 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚔, 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚞𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗, 𝚍𝚎𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗, 𝚞𝚗𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚏𝚏𝚒𝚌𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚡 (𝚊𝚕𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗), 𝙵𝚎𝚖𝚍𝚘𝚖! 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛 × 𝚂𝚞𝚋! 𝙹𝚘𝚗𝚐𝚑𝚘

𝚃𝚊𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝: @little-precious-baby @yunhoiseyecandy @yunhofingers @brie02 @galaxteez @deja-vux @multidreams-and-desires @rvse-miingi @couchpotatoaniki

⊱⋅ ──────────── ⋅⊰

"I expect all of your reports in and in perfect order by tomorrow's meeting at 11 a.m. And I want all of you in there on time. I will not accept even 1 minute of tardiness. Are we clear?"

A chorus of 'Yes sir' chanted throughout the room, the occupants in their respective chairs starting to disperse themselves out of the room. The hushed groans and complaining did not go unnoticed by Jongho's ears, but he paid no mind to them, having grown accustomed to them. He was a tough boss, and he preferred to keep it that way. He enjoyed having people fear him and be too scared to even ask him something, and all of his subordinates seemed to fall in that category.

"Sir?"

All of them except the almost cherry red head girl who was batting her eyelashes at him, a strand of her hair being twirled around one of her fingers. Without breaking his poker face, Jongho held out the folder he had and fanned it in front of her face.

"Hyunjoo, make copies of these to put into the filing cabinets and make sure to save them into the computer as well."

In a rather abrupt way, he practically threw the folder in her hands, but the girl didn't seem fazed, she still continued to smile even as he turned his back to her and walked out of the room.

"Right away sir! Anything else I can-"

Her enthusiastic question was shut out by the loud slamming of the door, leaving her speechless once more.

Jongho let out a deep huff as he loosened the tie that was practically suffocating him as it did after a strenuous day of having to deal with the ineptitude of his employees. He said absolutely nothing as he walked to his car, and stayed just as silent during the entire ride home, the soft ballads playing on the radio being his only companion at the moment. He didn't even feel like breaking out his heavenly vocals as per usual, all he wanted at that moment was to get to his haven as soon as possible and see the two faces he loved seeing after spending grueling hours in front of a computer and a stack of papers.

As soon as he stepped foot inside the cozy house, his nose was hit with the delicious scent coming from the kitchen. Making sure to neatly place his shoes by the rack next to the door and hang his coat on one of the hooks on the wall, he practically dragged his feet down the hallway before turning the corner. His gloomy expression quickly faltered and broke out into a smile as he was greeted by loud squealing coming from the tiny individual sitting in the high chair.

"Hey buddy. You missed me?" Jongho couldn't keep the smile off his face as he picked up the 5 month old baby, his cheeks still stained with an orange hue. The baby made some incoherent guttural sounds, no doubt trying to convey his feelings as he outstretched his tiny hands and began touching Jongho's face.

"I know I missed you." He placed a tiny kiss on his head before picking up a wet tissue to start wiping off some of the puree residues.

Right at that moment, his wife came in and wrapped her arms around his waist. Placing a gentle kiss on his cheek, she tilted her head so she could look at his face more clearly.

"How was your day?"

He shook his head, not wanting to recall his day.

"Same as they've been since you went on maternity leave. Unbearable."

Rolling her eyes at that, she carefully took the baby out of his hands since it was time for him to take a bath.

"Here. You go on and eat while I clean junior here."

Although the baby grunted softly at being taken away from his father's arms, he eventually relaxed in his mother's embrace, his face nuzzling into her chest and soon afterwards he began nibbling softly at her shirt.

"Oh for goodness sakes! You just ate not even 10 minutes ago. You can't possibly be hungry again." Y/N half heartedly complained, bouncing the baby slightly in her arms.

"Well I mean.... I don't blame him for wanting to drink some of your milk."

Catching her gaze, Jongho sent a wink her way that had her blushing intensely.

"You're unbelievable!" She exclaimed as she stomped out of the room to go bathe her baby.

"You're the one who offered me your tits in the first place." He snorted, trying to contain his laughter as he sipped the glass of water he had in his hand.

"Keep it up and I'll extend my maternity leave longer." She called out from the bathroom, the sound of water running being heard.

"No way! I've gone far too long without my personal assistant helping me keep order in that building and helping me stay sane. You promised me you'd come back tomorrow and I'm making you keep that promise." He warned her.

"Are you saying that as my husband? Or as my boss?" She questioned him.

"As both if I have to." He sternly said.

"Neither one of you scare me.....but since I love you both, I guess I'll keep my promise and come back tomorrow as we planned."

Jongho let out a relieved sigh at her answer as his fingers rubbed at his temple, fork aggressively digging into the vegetables on his plate. He honestly had missed working with Y/N by his side. He was feeling rather antsy and impatient about having her come back into the company. And he knew the other employees were also eagerly anticipating her return, since they preferred going to her to get messages across to him when they were too scared to face Jongho themselves. Not to mention Y/N livened up the atmosphere with her fresh and energetic nature, one of the main reasons he fell in love with her.

As he ate, Jongho began to reminisce about how their story started. Y/N had been recommended by a friend to be his personal assistant and she was very proud to work for such an important CEO, seeing it as an opportunity of a lifetime. Jongho, however, of course was extremely tough on her from the start, just as he was with all his other assistants. None of them lasted more than 2 weeks because they just couldn't handle either all the unbearable tasks he gave them or got frightened off by his stern and aggresive form of addressing them. Not Y/N. Even after having her run up and down floors on wild goose chases at times, she still kept her bright smile and positive energy, never once flinching either when he scolded her for doing something that he deemed wrong, which it never actually was, he just enjoyed nitpicking at her. She broke the record and lasted not just 2 weeks, but over 2 years, earning her the admiration and respect of not only her coworkers but of Jongho himself. He became fascinated by her and that fascination turned into love for her.

He pursued her for quite some time, Y/N making him really work for it as payback for all the harsh times he put her through during her first months working for him. Eventually his persistence paid off as she agreed to not only date him, but actually accepted to marry him when he asked her to. Of course, it was a secret no one else knew about, both of them agreeing that they'd rather keep their personal lives outside of work, not wanting others to talk or gossip about them. So at the company they were simply the CEO and his personal assistant, but once they got home, they were back to being hopelessly in love and enjoying their married life which now included their son.

Jongho felt that he was extremely lucky. Lucky to have such an amazing and beautiful wife who had recently blessed him with a healthy baby boy, gifting him the family he always wanted. He couldn't contain his happy smile as he watched her rock the baby to sleep and eventually put him inside his crib. Tiptoeing out of the nursery and joining him in their bedroom, Y/N raised an eyebrow when she saw his expression.

"You doing good?" She asked him.

Nodding softly, Jongho let out a hum before wrapping an arm around her waist.

"Oh trust me, I'm doing just splendid." He let out a chuckle as he pecked her lips.

When she began pulling away from his embrace, he pulled her back in, this time pressing his lips against hers more firmly as his hands went to the back of her thighs and effortlessly picked her up, wrapping her legs around his waist. She couldn't help the squeal that came out of her mouth when he pushed her down onto their bed, already feeling breathless as his tongue continued to dominate her mouth. Jongho's hands began to slowly pull her tank top down, exposing her soft and squishy breasts that had grown quite considerably since she started her last months of pregnancy and continued up until then.

"You know it's been so long since I've had you all to myself...." He mused as he nipped across her collarbone.

Taking one breast in each of his hands, he gave them gentle squeeze that had Y/N moaning softly. Giving one of her nipples a few kitten licks, Jongho latched his mouth over it, covering her perky nipple and letting out suckling sounds until he felt her sweet liquid come out of her body.

"And I plan on taking my time with you." He finished his previous sentence as he went back to feeding from her milk.

Y/N's fingers tangled themselves on his hair, back arching to allow him to take more of her succulent breasts into his mouth, which he took advantage of graciously. Just as soon as they were both getting lost in their lust, they were interrupted by the small whimpered cries coming from the room next to theirs. Detaching his mouth from his wife's chest, Jongho groaned in annoyance and rolled over on the other side of the bed.

"Seriously? Can't even enjoy some alone time with my wife because junior over there wants to be a cockblocker."

Slapping his arm, Y/N arranged her shirt and got up to go attend to her baby, leaving Jongho laying there in a fuzzy and whiny mood.

⊱⋅ ──────────── ⋅⊰

Stepping into the floor, Y/N was immediately bombarded by greetings and questions from all of her coworkers. The men were fawning over her and thanking her for coming back on such an eventful day while the women were prying about her baby and other motherly topics. Since it was still early, Y/N thought it wouldn't hurt to show off a few pictures of her little bundle of joy. Taking care there weren't any photos of Jongho, she happily showed off her gallery that was full of images of her baby and herself. All of the people around her began cooing and awing at how adorable he was.

"He's so cute!"

"Simply adorable!"

"Does he look like his dad?"

Before Y/N could even answer that question, the father himself cleared his throat behind the little group. Collective gasps and startled wheezes were heard as the people began to disperse themselves back to their respective cubicles or desks. Donning his usual frown, Jongho side eyed some of the individuals before landing his eyes on Y/N, who per usual remained calmed and collected.

"Miss L/N, although no doubt your coworker are ecstatic to have you back I must remind you that we have an important meeting ahead of us and I don't want any distractions to hinder our plans. I'll let this go just this time but I want no more dilly dallying. Are we clear?"

Breaking out into a soft smile, Y/N put her phone back in her purse.

"Crystal Mr. Choi."

The corner of Jongho's lip twitched at hearing her usual response she'd say to his chastising. Y/N knew it affected him too, but she bit her tongue from bursting out laughing right then and there. Checking his watch, he sighed deeply.

"After you finish setting your space up, please gather up the documents needed for today's meeting and see me promptly at my office so we can look over them."

Just as Y/N was about to open her mouth, she was interrupted by a redhead whom she had never seen before during the time she worked there. The girl pushed herself in between them both rather tactlessly.

"Sir, if you'd like, I could go fetch them for you, I know where they are so it'd be faster given that I sorted them yesterday."

Y/N arched an eyebrow up at the new face, scanning her up and down, taking notice of how tight and short her skirt was, not to mention how snug fitted her blouse was, more than just the tops buttons undone to purposely draw attention to her cleavage. The way she was practically beaming at Jongho did not go unnoticed by her, and it was slightly irritating her.

"No thank you Hyunjoo. I want Y/N to do it. Besides I need to catch her up on what's been going on these past months she was gone."

Before Jongho could take one step, Hyunjoo moved to stand right in front of him, a rather bold move that had everyone bracing themselves for what would happen next.

"Anything else you want to say Hyunjoo?" Although he asked, it was quite obvious Jongho was not amused in the slightest bit. Hyunjoo bit her lip nervously, but decided to speak.

"Sir I just thought since it was an important meeting that perhaps you'd prefer to be assisted by someone who has more knowledge and experience in the matter so that there would be no... hindrances."

Y/N did not like the way she drawled out that last word. She did not hesitate to let out a scoff at the brazen behavior of whoever that newbie was. And she guessed Jongho was not happy by her input either given that he was now crossing his arms over his chest.

"There will be no hindrances. Y/N knows what she's doing and I know she'll do an excellent job. After all, she is and will always be my personal assistant."

Y/N couldn't hide the proud smirk that shone triumphantly on her face, especially after seeing the reddened face of the girl next to her, who gave her a small glare before excusing herself to go to her desk. Jongho brushed past her to go into his office, giving her elbow a light squeeze that went unnoticed by everyone else but that made her feel better about coming back to work. She was practically skipping all the way to the elevator and still skipping about when she came to the room where they kept all the documents. She skimmed through the cabinets, checking the dates to make sure she was looking in the right section when she was startled by a voice piping up behind her.

"Y/N!"

She let out a scream and stumbled back into one of the cabinets, hitting her lower back rather harshly before landing her bum on the floor.

"Oops! Sorry. Not how I wanted my welcome back greeting to go."

She allowed the blonde male to help her get up, scanning her to make sure no real damage was done.

"Yeosang what the hell? Why are you always popping up on people out of nowhere?" She grimaced as she rubbed her butt.

"Gotta have some type of fun while I'm locked up in here organizing, filing and documenting papers here you know." He adjusted the frames on his nose bridge.

"Maybe you could lend me a hand and show me where I can find what I need for today's meeting?"

Clapping his hands, Yeosang reached into his jacket and promptly took out a neat folder out that had several papers inside.

"I figured Mr. Grinch upstairs would have you come get them so I took the liberty of stashing them away just for you."

Y/N smiled as he handed them over to her.

"That and I didn't want that bitch Hyunjoo putting her nasty hands on them as well." Yeosang huffed loudly.

"Who is she anyways? She wasn't here when I was."

Yeosang went cross eyed momentarily, looking like he was losing brain cells as he tried to figure out where to start.

"She started out a week after you went on maternity leave. She's just a secretary, but has offered to do some tasks that were strictly reserved for you as Jongho's assistant, which he rarely lets her do. You know how he is."

Of course she did. More than anyone she knew what her husband was like.

"Well long story short like her dirty rags that she calls skirts, it's quite obvious she's trying to get in the boss' pants and we're all surprised he hasn't fired her yet. It's more than clear he's not interested either, I mean come on. It's Choi Jongho, he only looks at a woman or man to criticize them. I don't think he's capable of feeling romantically inclined towards anyone."

Y/N held her head down, pretending to skim through some of the papers to hide the giggle that was threatening to come out her mouth. She honestly found it hard not to laugh when others talked about Jongho like that. It was funny to her.

"So I take it I should be careful of her trying to take my place?" Y/N snickered amusedly, and Yeosang let out a dry laugh as well.

"Please Y/N. We all know no one will ever take your place. You're indispensable here, especially to the big guy up there."

He pointed a finger towards the ceiling.

"Speaking of which, don't keep him waiting. You know how he hates people wasting his time." He made quotation signals with his fingers while rolling his eyes.

Giving her a hug and proper welcome greeting, Yeosang watched her leave, reminding her to show him pictures of her baby when she got the chance which she happily agreed to share with him.

Coming back up to the main floor, she made sure to smile warmly at all her coworkers, a gesture that would hopefully calm their nerves a little for the upcoming meeting, which seemed to be working. They knew if she was there at least Jongho would be a little less terrifying than what he usually was. As she walked by the cubicles, she paused in her steps when she saw that a certain desk was empty, its occupant missing. Looking at the nametag, her tongue poked against her cheek.

"Mingi?" She turned to the nearest person to her, the tall male looking up from his screen to pay her his full attention.

"Where's Hyunjoo?"

Mingi didn't answer and instead pointed over towards the direction of Jongho's office.

"No doubt trying to suck his dick. That hoe."

Both her and Mingi looked over at the coworker next to him.

"Wooyoung!" Mingi chastised him.

"What? Fire me for speaking the truth." He grumbled as he continued his task of stapling a stack of papers together.

Mingi shot her an apologetic look but Y/N quickly brushed it off. Something told her that she was needed someplace else anyways. Her instincts were never wrong. Peeking into the office, she witnessed in disgust as Hyunjoo ran a finger down Jongho's torso. He looked visibly uncomfortable, swallowing hard as he tried to back away from her slowly.

"Typical of him." She thought to herself. "Acting all high and mighty like he's not afraid of anyone or anything yet when a woman throws herself at him, he cowers like a little baby."

When she saw Hyunjoo press her body against Jongho's, she knew it was time to step in. Slamming the door open, her face had a glaring scowl that was quite the contrast to her usually friendly demeanor. Only few people had ever seen it and it truly shook them to the core, even more than Jongho himself since they grew used to his anger. But Y/N? They desperately avoided incurring her wrath, even if it was such a rare sight to see. And it was producing an instant effect as Hyunjoo immediately backed away from Jongho, the latter already bracing himself for a lecture from her.

"Hyunjoo......I believe your station is right out there." She pointed behind her.

Hyunjoo nodded even though it was a statement not a question.

"So why are you not there?" Her foot tapped impatiently on the floor.

The poor girl apologized and quickly sped out of the office, like a puppy with its tail tucked in between their legs. Once she was out, Y/N shut the door behind her and then looked over at Jongho, piercing daggers into him with her stare as she took slow and careful steps towards him.

"Well.....guess I should probably thank you for getting me out of that-"

Jongho let out a tiny squeak when Y/N grabbed him by his collar and pulled his face close to hers.

"I'm gone for half a year and there's already a skank trying to take my place?" She was fuming, eyes burning a hole into his face and Jongho wasn't going to lie, he was always attracted more to her when she got angry.

"Baby, darling..." He cooed at her, hands going to her hips to rub circles around them in an effort to appease her.

"Don't you 'darling' me Choi Jongho. Tell me, did you enjoy having your little pet rub herself on you?" She demanded as she took his hands off her and slammed her own on the desk behind him, effectively trapping him and keeping him from moving.

"I- No! Of course not!" He exclaimed in indignation.

Y/N scoffed dryly as she reached a hand up and placed it on his chest, mimicking the earlier actions of her rival, except whereas Jongho recoiled from Hyunjoo's touch before, it was now different as he began melting into Y/N's touch.

"I don't really believe you, I think you would have fucked her if given the chance." She didn't really believe that sentence herself but she wanted to spark a reaction out of Jongho.

"Now why would I do that when I have the most perfect woman right in front of me? When she's everything and all I want?" He let out a hum as he ghosted his lips over hers, wanting to desperately kiss her at that moment.

"Oh really now? I'm all you want?" She giggled in a mocking tone as her teeth caught onto his bottom lip and tugged on them slightly.

"Fuck!- yes. You're all I want. You're the love of my life, the object of my desires, the mother of my son..."

Cupping her cheeks, he tenderly kissed her, lips perfectly molding against hers as he tried to convey his adoration for her. When he pulled back, he stayed only a few centimeters away as he nuzzled his nose against hers.

"My wife." He whispered those two words so soft as if they were a solemn prayer not meant to be heard by anyone else.

Although his words brought a sense of warmth and fuzziness inside her, Y/N was not about to let Jongho off the hook so easily. He needed to be reminded of something else.

"You're forgetting something else Mr. CEO...... I'm not just your wife."

Jongho grunted when she suddenly pulled him by his belt loops, her knee coming up to rub against his crotch which was starting to swell up.

"I'm your boss."

He watched with amazement as she dropped down to her knees, her fingers making quick movements to unbuckle his belt. Stiffening when her hands squeezed at his bulge, Jongho heaved out a sigh.

"Don't tease me." He slightly whimpered to her.

Quirking an eyebrow up, she sent him a seductive smirk.

"Wasn't planning on it."

Taking hold of the top of his trousers, she made sure to pull his briefs down with them, freeing his hardened cock that was already leaking at the tip. Running her thumb across his head, she looked up to find her husband flushing a crimson red hue, a soft chortle escaping his throat as he realized what she was doing. Pressing his bulbous tip against her lips, she coated them with a warm gloss before pushing them inside the barrier of her teeth, raking the underside of it. That motion alone already had Jongho's thighs shaking. Her tongue swirled around his shaft, giving the head a subtle suckle. At last, she opened her mouth more widely and drove him deeper into her throat until she was releasing a choking sound, a trail of moisture spilling out from the corner of her mouth. Pulling back, she hummed around his length to further intensify the sensation.

"Oh my god." Jongho moaned as his hands tried to reach towards the back of her head, which were quickly slapped away by her.

"Nuh uh my love, we're playing with my rules right now."

Jongho had to steady himself by gripping the desk behind him, resisting the urge to buck himself up into his wife's throat. He let out sharp gasps and groans when she gave him a particularly long slurp, gurgling melodies practically coming out her mouth. He filled her throat to the brim, his dripping organ stroking against her tongue each time she moved it to and fro. Instinctively parting her knees, she reached beneath her skirt to touch herself, finding herself to be dripping as well. Raising her eyes upwards, she saw Jongho's head thrown back, mouth open and spilling out melodic hums of bliss and lust as his pelvis began to thrust faster against her face, chasing his upcoming release with a determined intensity. Feeling his thighs tighten and his cock twitch, she knew it was only a matter of time before his hot liquid would spurt into her throat. Wanting to please him, her mouth began a mix of lapping, sucking and licking at his length, soaking his flesh until long pools of saliva came trickling down her chin and onto her neck. Her mouth kept moving back and forth, heightening his excitement until he began pumping his climax into her, his seed flowing down her throat which she swallowed generously.

"Oh fuck! Oh God!" Jongho cried out, not caring to keep his voice down as he had just had one of the most exhilarating orgasms after months of only having his hand to keep him company during those needy moments.

Pulling out of his wife's mouth, her lips glistened with a blend of her spit and of his cum. Getting up from the ground, she pulled out her hand that had during this time stayed between her legs, her arousal glowing on the tip of her fingers. Holding them up to her husband's face, she smeared some of it across his lip.

"Suck."

His mouth parted instantly as he graciously accepted her fingers into his wet cavern, licking off the sweet juices from her core. She watched him with utter fascination, always loving how he was always so pliant with her every command. Once sure he had licked her clean of anymore secretions, she pulled her hand out of his mouth and quickly replaced it with her own. Their tongues danced around each other as their arms wrapped around the other's body. Pent up desire and weakened passions were flowing through every touch and caress of their hands. They both realized just how much they had been missing each other's bodies, forgetting about their needs up until that moment. Pulling away with reluctance to catch her breath, Y/N looked up at the already disheveled looking male in front of her and smirked.

"Hop on top of the desk.......Sir." She whispered that last word in his ear, biting down at his earlobe.

His shivering body did not go unnoticed by her and she was more than delighted to watch as he practically cleared the desk, letting papers and other utensils scatter on the floor as he sat up on top of it. Reaching back inside her skirt, Y/N dragged her now soiled panties down her legs and set them off to the side, already knowing what she would do with them later. Climbing on top of Jongho's lap, she took hold of his cock one more time and began to pump him slowly, getting him worked up once more, his soft tender skin becoming erect and hard once again. Noticing the way his eyes peered at her slight cleavage, she used her free hand to unbutton her blouse before pulling her bra cups down enough for her breasts to pop out. Jongho swore he could cum at just the sight of them, nipples poking out and gleaming with the hints of milk oozing out.

"Suck on them. Drink mommy's milk up. After all, they're for daddy too." She encouraged him with a giggle.

His mouth devoured her breasts. He gnawed at the stiff buds of her nipples and suckled against her until her sweet nectar began trickling onto his tongue. Y/N arched her back and began spilling out erotic moans, teeth biting down occasionally at her lip as she couldn't handle the overwhelming pleasure of having her husband feed on her breast milk. Jongho was enjoying himself as well. She was moist to the point of being succulent. His tongue slipped against her fleshy mounds and he could feel himself choking on the rich taste she produced. The more he worked on sampling her flavor, the more she sighed and panted as she pushed her chest more out to him. All throughout this, her hand never stopped pumping at his length.

Jongho whined when she suddenly pushed his face off her chest, a tiny trail of milk being left on his lip. Gripping his base more firmly, she placed him right at her aching entrance and sunk down on him with no warning, causing his breath to hitch.

"I'm gonna fuck you Jongho. Fuck you til you're a crying mess to remind you who this dick belongs to. And you're gonna take it like the good slave you are. Got it?"

He nodded his head furiously, wanting nothing than to feel her take advantage of him, use him as she pleased. With an evil smile, she reached for the discarded panties she had momentarily forgotten about.

"Oh...and I guess we better keep quiet. I know I can keep it down. But you? You need a little help."

Jongho spewed out pornographic sounds as she stuffed his mouth with her panties. He could taste her sex on his tongue but he had no time to fully enjoy it when she suddenly began to bounce herself on his cock. When he tried to grip at her hips, she caught his wrists and slammed them down on the desk, his back hitting against the hard wood, but he didn't care. He was too immersed on the excruciating pleasure of having her tightness press around his cock. The desk underneath them rocked with every one of their sinful movements, no doubt alerting anyone within a few feet near the doorway, perhaps even further down. And that's what Y/N wanted. She wanted to make sure all the people outside finally understood that Choi Jongho was hers, hers only and no one else's. No one could ever take him away from her because she had him wrapped around her finger.

"Look at you, you look so pathetic. My dirty panties in your mouth, my hands keeping you from moving as I bounce myself on your cock."

Once again she felt the familiar twitch of his head warning her he was going to bust at any moment. It only fueled her to grind down on him harder.

"Who would have thought the powerful and mighty CEO would be nothing more than a little slut? Eager to get his dick wet enough to bend down to his assistant. You were so fucking easy my love."

Her mocking and teasing only helped in having him spasm underneath her, his orgasm ripping through his body in such an extreme manner he thought he would go insane. But Y/N didn't let him fully come down from his high when she began rutting herself once more on him, this time with more force and vigor that had Jongho crying out. His eyes began to became filled with tears, muffled pleading incoherent due to being gagged by her underwear. Before he could even comprehend what was happening, another orgasm was being forced out of him, his seed overflowing from inside Y/N's core that it began to cascade down into her inner thighs, droplets even falling onto the furniture underneath them.

"Even with your mouth occupied you still manage to be such a loud brat, I bet this entire floor can hear you. What? Is that what you want? Want all your employees to hear as I fuck you like my personal sex doll?"

Jongho's eyes rolled to the back of his head as he heard her words. He hated admitting it but having her degrade him, talk down to him and reduce him to nothing more than a pleasure toy never failed to make his toes curl.

"Maybe you do and that's fine. I want all of them, especially that little skank to hear as I ruin you. Let them know who's really in charge here."

Y/N's movements became more sloppy as she felt her own climax approaching, her walls squeezing unbearably down on Jongho's dick. Her breasts were jiggling with every move, adding more sensuality to the already wicked image of her riding her husband's body.

"Can you cum once more for mommy? I know you can. Daddy can definitely give mommy his cum one more time right?"

Jongho nodded, grumbling something that was not understandable. With a prideful look, Y/N raked her hands across his chest.

"Fill my pussy up once more love. Knock me up with another one of your kids. Wanna get pregnant once more by you. Fuck!"

She cursed loudly as she began shattering on top of him, chest heaving as she released her juices onto his thick cock, which was also pumping out the last remnants of his seed and coating her walls profusely. Jongho fell into a spiraling oblivion of pleasure, unable to feel anything but his throbbing dick pulsating around her heat as it milked him out of every last drop of his cum. He was in heaven, even if it was a sinful act they just committed.

Y/N let out a hiss as she pulled out of him, a long trail of sticky cum pouring onto the desk and even dropping onto the carpet. Her legs felt wobbly as she tried to walk, the numbness in her feet soon turning into a pins and needles sensation. Taking her panties off his mouth and stuffing them into his pocket, Jongho quickly fixed himself, zipping his pants back up and getting up just in time to catch his darling wife before she tumbled onto the floor

"It's ok my dear. I got you." He sweetly smiled at her and rubbed at her sore lower abdomen.

"I love you." She suddenly said.

Tilting her chin up, he kissed her temple.

"I love you more, so much more." He confessed.

"Enough to let me take the rest of the day off and go back home?" She made puppy eyes at him.

Jongho bursted out laughing at her question, nuzzling his nose against the crook of her neck.

"You're so funny babe.....nice try but no. We still have a meeting today." He reminded her, which earned him a huffing spouse.

"Have I ever mentioned I hate my boss?" She nudged him away, to which he snorted.

"Darling let's be real here. You're the real boss here. And I wouldn't have it any other way."

⊱⋅ ──────────── ⋅⊰

[griffintail]

One Last Time

Summary: (Y/N) goes to live with her Uncle Tubbo in the aftermath of their lose.

Pairings: Parental! Tommy x Teenage! F!Reader

Platonic! Ranboo, Tubbo x Teenage! F!Reader

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Exile, Everyone’s just sad man.

This the second part to True One

The next part is A Normal Smile

A/N: Two different people wanted this,  🐝 anon and @samistheidiot​ So, here you guys go! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        (Y/N)…wished it was a nightmare, that Tommy would shake her awake like she’d done many times before for him when he’d have a nightmare.

        Instead, there she stood in Snowchester, staring at her Uncle Tubbo’s house. He’d grabbed her things from…Tommy’s house and brought her back to his own home. Tubbo had found her with Sam and had broken down with her this time. She tried to deny everything Sam was telling her, what she saw on her walkie. Yet, when Tubbo pulled her in and held her close, she knew it was real this time.

        He wasn’t coming back.

        It took hours to finally get (Y/N) out of the hotel and into a boat with Tubbo. When she had first exhausted herself, Tubbo had a serious conversation with Sam. Tubbo knew what Tommy always wanted for his little girl. He’d been there through many steps of their lives, so he knew what Tommy would have wanted now. (Y/N) would come with him.

        Sam wanted to argue that he could take care of her but…he didn’t have faith in himself anymore and agreed it was best.

        Tubbo stood at the door, looking back at (Y/N), who hadn’t spoken since they left the hotel room.

        “(Y/N).” He called gently, her dull gaze looking at him now, making his throat tighten. “Come inside, let’s get warm.”

        She sighed, following him. She went back to the room she had been in when…

        Tears welled in her eyes as she sat on the bed. He was supposed to come to get her; they were supposed to have been celebrating. She buried her face in her hands as Tubbo was putting down his things in the main room, still trying to process his own feelings.

        He was in full denial.

        Tommy shouldn’t have gone like that. In the prison, beaten to death…Tommy shouldn’t have gone at all. Not his best friend. Tommy just had to be alive, he just had to, just like last time! He still had a daughter to raise!

        …but Tubbo knew he was wrong deep down.

        “Tubbo!” Ranboo burst into his home, out of breath.

        Ranboo had gotten the same message as everyone else. He had gone all the way from his base at Techno’s to see Tubbo first.

        “Hey, Ranboo.” He said quietly. “I guess you saw.”

        “I-I did. It’s wrong, right? There’s no way…” Ranboo tried to deny himself.

        “…Sam said it’s real.” Tubbo gripped his hands along the edges of a chest. “That Dream and Tommy were fighting and then…they were actually fighting…”

        “No…No that can’t be right. Sam should have…Dream wouldn’t have…”

        “What do you mean Dream wouldn’t have?” (Y/N) spat as she came into the room. “Dream was a fucking psychopath! We all knew that! Yet we let my fucking father stay in the godforsaken prison cell with him! After all the shit he’s put my family through! WE LEFT TOMMY IN THERE!”

        “(Y/N).” Tubbo took a step towards her.

        “No, I don’t have time for this shit. It’s just like exile.” (Y/N) scoffed, putting her hands in her pockets as she walked back to her room, slamming the door.

        Tubbo was frozen in his spot as tears gathered in his eyes, (Y/N)’s old words screaming in his head.

        It’s your fault!

        Ranboo looked at his friend before quickly following after the girl knocking on the door.

        “Go away!” She shouted.

        “No, I won’t. That wasn’t fair. We’ve all lost someone today.”

        (Y/N) boiled in her room as she stormed to the door and threw it open, tears stuck in her eyes.

        “Yeah? Well, guess what? Life isn’t really fucking fair now is it?” Her shoulders were shaking in anger. “You know what my dad was doing at my age? He was fighting in a god damn war for a country that doesn’t even exist anymore! He lost two lives to a green fucking bastard. And now, he’s lost a third because no one listens when someone screams for help.”

        Ranboo stood there in shock as she stared at him.

        “You can’t tell me what’s fair. I watched my dad go through trial after trial. So, I mean this in the nicest way possible, fuck off.”

        She closed the door again and locked it before sliding her back down against the door as she sat on the floor, letting her tears flow again as she was in privacy. It was going to be a long day…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Tubbo and Ranboo let her have her privacy. Ranboo had decided he’d stay for a while as he figured his friend would need all the help he could get as he was grieving and also now had a grieving teenager living with him. The two didn’t see (Y/N) the rest of the day and the next morning came.

        (Y/N) woke up from her spot on the floor trying to clear her mind and remember what happened. She wished she hadn’t as she pulled her legs up and hugged them with one arm and her other hand lightly gripped onto her bandana. Her thoughts went wild in the early morning light.

        She didn’t have anything of her father’s. His gear would all be in the prison and she refused to ever be near that place again. The more important thing was the discs; she couldn’t ever get those. They were in Tommy’s ender chest. She’d never hear them again, not that she wanted to without Tommy…

        If the adults had just listened to her, let her storm that building when she had the chance…!

        It was her fault too…

        No, none of this was her fault, it was the adults that wouldn’t listen!...

        She held her head as her thoughts were scrambled in anger at herself and anger at others. She thought she was supposed to be sad but she was just…angry. Angry at Sam, Tubbo, Ranboo, Dream.

        She remembered being angry when she thought her father was originally dead. Tubbo had been the primary target of her anger because he was Uncle Tubbo but he never listened to her anymore. He did a lot to reconcile with her over after everything was said and done, Tommy helping his best friend do so, wanting his daughter and friend to see each other as a family once again.

        She felt guilt now for what she said the day before. She shouldn’t have brought up exile, Tubbo regretted it every day and tried so hard to reconnect with the two of them.

        “(Y/N)?” Tubbo knocked on her door.

        She didn’t move.

        “(Y/N), this is my house, I have a key.”

        “So?” She muttered.

        “Please open the door.”

        “Shouldn’t you be angry?” She asked instead.

        “Why?” Tubbo questioned, confused.

        “…I brought that time up.”

        Tubbo felt his heart pound a little harder before he took a deep breath. “Can I come in please?”

        She huffed, but got up slowly and opened the door, Tubbo standing there with a plate of food and water. He came in, putting the plate and cup down on the nightstand as (Y/N) sat on the bed. Tubbo sat next to her, connecting his hands as he looked down at them.

        “I know…I messed up back then. Things might have been different if I had listened to you like I was supposed to. I was supposed to take care of you for…for Tommy.” His breath shook. “I failed…in a lot of different ways with a lot of different things. I tried to make it all better after. When he got stuck in the prison, I didn’t tell you,” Tubbo looked at her with tears in his eyes, “but I went to Sam privately demanding to know why he wouldn’t let Tommy out. I was trying to make sure I did it right this time. I wouldn’t let this be exile.”

        (Y/N)’s guilt piled on her as tears welled in her eyes. Tubbo put an arm around her shoulder before pulling her into a hug as he put his head on top of hers.

        “I don’t know what happened in there but I promise you, I will find out,” Tubbo promised with his whole heart. “For myself, you, and Tommy, I’ll figure out what happened.”

        “I’m sorry Uncle Tubbo.” She cried on him now.

        “It’s alright. I’m angry at everything too.” He muttered. “But we’ll figure it out.”

        He let her cry it all out on him as he let a few of his own tears drip before making sure she ate and drank.

        “I’m not going to force you to do anything,” Tubbo told her as he took the half-eaten plate. “I’ll be here though if you need anything.”

        “…Uncle Tubbo?”

        He stopped at the door, looking at her.

        “I want to make a memorial for dad.” She whispered.

        His whole body softens as he thought before nodding. “Ok, we can do that. Get dressed and we’ll go work on it now.”

        Tubbo went out with (Y/N), letting Ranboo know what they were doing and the hybrid let them have their moment. Tubbo built a wooden headstone as (Y/N) gathered a few flowers and paused in her work before she got a jukebox to rest next to the headstone. As the last piece of their exhausting work, they made a bench together and both hesitated.

        “I’m…I got a disc, hang on.” He muttered.

        He went back inside to get a disc as (Y/N) stood there, staring at the memorial they had built, cobblestone outlining the area. Tubbo came back, turning a disc in his hand.

        “It’s…not one of his. But I know he’ll appreciate it where ever he is.”

        He put the disc on and stepped back. He motioned to the bench as the music started to play. (Y/N) couldn’t even produce tears as she sat in the middle of the bench, Tubbo on her left. They both stared at the words Tubbo had carved into the wood before (Y/N) spoke.

        “You remember that play he loved?” (Y/N) muttered.

        “Yeah, Hamilton. He managed us all tickets because said he couldn’t live with a daughter who hadn’t seen it.” Tubbo laughed quietly at the memory.

        “There’s a few words that keep playing in my head from one of the songs.” She looked at her hands. “And then we'll teach them how to say goodbye. …Dad never taught me how to say goodbye…”

        “…Well, we’ll make this our last time with…Tommy…and we’ll learn to say goodbye together.”

        (Y/N) put her head on Tubbo’s shoulder and he hugged her close as the jukebox stopped playing.

        “And now it’s quiet uptown…” She mumbled.

        Tubbo couldn’t help a soft smile. Tommy loved that play and (Y/N) had adopted it onto herself, learning every single song just like him. She dozed off on Tubbo’s shoulder and he sat there like that for just a little longer.

        “I’ll make sure it’s not always quiet. I’ll take care of her Tommy. I promise.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

        Days dragged on.

        Tubbo and Ranboo took turns making sure (Y/N) would eat and drink. It was three days before she left her room to walk around. When she was finally walking around again and eating full plates of food, Tubbo decided to start his investigation into Tommy’s death. He promised (Y/N) he’d figure it out and he would, for his, hers, and Tommy’s sake. This shouldn’t have happened and he’ll be damned if it goes unsolved.

        Ranboo was to stay with (Y/N) in Snowchester, just to be sure she’d be alright. He was waiting with breakfast in the morning, Tubbo having gone in the early, early morning, but there was no sign of the teenager after an hour of waiting. Getting up, Ranboo knocked on her door.

        “(Y/N)?” He called softly.

        He thought it was only fair if she was upset in her room. He was still processing the fact one of his friends was gone. There were small tracks of burn marks from when he had cried originally, his tears having run out now after the past few days. He couldn’t imagine though what (Y/N) must feel every day.

        “(Y/N), can you open the door?” He reached out again.

        She still gave him no answer and he sighed.

        “I got to come in, so freak out.”

        He opened the door and looked around the room. Instead, he was the one freaking out as he saw an empty room and an open window.

        “Oh, oh god. Where is she?” He ran to the window, looking out to see slowly fading footprints from the falling snow. “Crap. Ok, I just got to find her.”

        He ran to put on his warm clothes before moving quickly to not lose the tracks. They lead on and on, all the way to the edge of the snowy biome and towards the Dream SMP land.

        “Where did she go?” Ranboo panicked as there was no way to track her from here.

        He’d just have to work his way around the land. There was one place he could think of first, the hotel. Tubbo had told Ranboo that (Y/N) would now be the owner of the hotel according to Sam Nook once she was ok again. It was Tommy’s final project and he assumed she’d be there. So, he ran down the path towards the hotel but sputtered to stop as he saw a familiar figure sitting on a bench with a disc playing in the jukebox next to the bench.

        Ranboo hesitated as they were in their own world as they stared at the rising sun, but he came over because he needed to know.

        “Hey.” He said as he stopped a few steps away.

        (Y/N) jumped as she looked over at him.

        “Oh, hey.” She gave him a weak smile. “I…didn’t really process how late it was, you came looking for me?”

        “Yeah, I did. You had me worried. Luckily, Tubbo was doing something else.” He said as he sat on her right, making her stiffen. “What’s wrong?”

        “I just…dad sat there.”

        “Oh gosh, I’m sorry.” He stood up, instead sitting on her left, making her relax. “Is that why you sit in the middle?”

        She hesitated before nodding. “Tubbo on my left and dad on my right…We’d sit here some days for hours and just…watch the sun go up then down. I couldn’t think of anywhere else better to go…”

        Ranboo nodded, not sure why she needed to go here. Then again, as he looked behind him, of course, there was her old home. A few monuments had been constructed for Tommy.

        “What did you want to do here?” He asked carefully, looking at her as she was watching the skyline again.

        “…It’s stupid.” She muttered standing up.

        “No, no, it’s ok. I won’t judge you. I won’t even write it in my memory book if you don’t want me to.” (Y/N) looked at him and he stood up, towering over her but he crouched a bit as he put his hands on her shoulders. “I would never want to hurt you.”

        (Y/N) sighed as she looked at the bench and jukebox, finished playing the song.

        “Dad…Dad told me he and Uncle Tubbo heard Wilbur, actually Wilbur. And…” She rubbed her arm, shrugging.

        “You wanted to see if Tommy would come.”

        She nodded, a few stray tears coming loose and burning his enderman hand as he wiped them away but he didn’t flinch. “I just…I never got to say goodbye you know? I’ve never lost anyone really. Sure, I lost Uncle Wilbur but then I got Uncle Ghostbur, who was everything I loved before Wilbur went crazy. So, I never lost him. I didn’t have to say goodbye. But with dad…there’s nothing and I just…”

        Ranboo stood up and pulled her close into a hug, she hugging him back as she buried her face in his chest.

        “I just wanted him back one more time so I could tell him I loved him and say goodbye.” She gripped onto his shirt.

        “He knew you loved him; I know he did and he loved you so much. When I first met Tommy, he just kept going on about you and I thought you must be the happiest girl in the world to have such a loving dad like Tommy.” Ranboo muttered as she sniffled. “I wish I could say goodbye to him too…maybe we can do it a bit differently though.” She looked up at him and he gave her a sad smile. “Let’s get some flowers.”

        Together, (Y/N) and he gathered white and red flowers close by and planted them right outside the door. They both stood side by side and (Y/N) looked up at Ranboo at what to do next. Ranboo took a deep breath before stepping forward.

        “There’s…not much I can do so this is how I’m supposed to deal with this. I got some flowers with (Y/N) for you to make this little shrine, to help move on.” Ranboo had so many words to say, some of them cruel about the response of others in the world around them but he held his tongue to repeat them for another time when (Y/N) wasn’t beside him, looking for closure herself. “There’s not really much we can do…with you gone. I know I’m forgetful, but I won’t forget you and I wanted to save this memory of your place like this. I’m sure it won’t be here forever as many things you created…were destroyed. But, the one thing that can’t be broken, that can’t be destroyed…is what you left behind…and the people you left behind.”

        Ranboo looked at (Y/N), seeing her with new tears as she lightly gripped her bandana. He looked at the allium he had in his hands before looking back at the empty house.

        “Remember this? I gave you one of these and you immediately insulted me…That was the first time we interacted.” He remembered, (Y/N) giving a sad laugh. “I gave you one of these, you insulted me, and then…I helped with the thing that led you…to your demise…” It was all quiet as the pair stood there. “So, so here Tommy.” He put the flower on the ground in front of the door. “Have a flower…” They stood silent. “There’s no one there to pick it up anymore…so that means… goodbye Tommy.”

        He stepped back, (Y/N) standing there before walking forward, looking at Ranboo.

        He nodded encouragingly and she took a deep breath.

        “I…I came to the prison after I heard what happened. I…I don’t know if you heard me…but I shouted that I loved you and that I’d make sure you get out. I promised myself that it wouldn’t be like exile. That I’d make sure someone would get you out and Sam promised he would…” She played with her hands. “I could blame a lot of people…but I can’t. All I can blame is Dream. People should have listened but it was Dream’s fault. You always told me that.

        “You did so much for so many different people and people try to prove wrong but I know what you were really like because…you were my dad. You were the best. And…I’m going to miss you so much…There’s so much you didn’t get to teach me. One of them being, you never taught me how to say goodbye. But don’t worry Mr. Hamilton.” She smiled sadly at the door, tears trailing down. “I’ll figure it all out. It may be quiet right now but hopefully, I can hear everything again and remember what it was like to be happy, just for you.”

        She played with her bandana, sighing quietly.

        “I love you so much daddy, and I miss you. I have to say goodbye though, one last time. Till we meet again.”

        She turned from the door and started walking. Ranboo put a hand on her shoulder as he walked with her, neither seeing the figure currently invisible to the human eye.

        Tommy smiled sadly as he picked up a ghost of the flower left in front of him and moved past them, kicking up wind that made (Y/N) bandana dance in the wind. He knew she’d be ok…

[kurosstuff]

Fluffy Donna! Was requested hehe- also hope it was good? I literally hate this. Haha. Wtf. Also cut it short so I could get it out for you guy- got a bit stressed over this work? So.. take my attempt at soft fluff

Warning(s): angie swears again*once* cause she can and I say so. SLIGHT sexual innuendo(but its not? Someone I had read it over and said it was so-)its Angie. Other then that tooth rotting fluff

Donna Beneviento x reader: Tea time

Waking up beside the doll maker was a blessing as it was a curse. The unveiled lover curled into your side, breath slower than usual indicating she's still asleep, the arm around her moved slightly causing the women to mumble into you, clutching your shirt. In a silent yet loud way of saying "don't leave", smiling sleepily you used your other hand to brush her bangs away-Donna in turn leaned into your hand smiling, melting into your touch even while she slept.

A harsh wack from the head yanked you from the pleasant sight-looking up. Rolling your eyes jokingly at the sight. The cursed side was the rabid doll that yet again kicked your head above you, Angie laid sprawled out like a cat above you both. Mostly cured around Donna's pillow she kicked her legs yet again in her sleep. A scratchy sleep giggle escaped the doll

"Seems shes having a good dream" drawing your attention to the women in your arms, smiling up at you. Cuddling deeper into the crook of your neck. "I wish we could stay like this for the rest of the day" chuckling as you brought a hand to her messy hair- freed from her hair tie, let loose into wild knots and tangles from the tossing and turning of her sleeping- a content sigh escaped her from the head scratches you gave

"Yes. I wish that as well" you started with a hum as you pretending to think "but." Your hand froze on her head thinking aloud, her eye glanced up curiously "what would Lady Dimitrescu say? After all isn't today the date of the tea party?" At that Donna faster then usual shot up from the bed, almost falling out from the realization

-

Two minutes later you both were dressed-after the relentless teasing on your end, you decided to play it safe for now and leave your beloved alone for the moment. "You know love, this is my favorite time of the day, waking up in your.. arms" she spoke blushing from the attempted compliment. Nevermind your earlier self agreement teasing seemed.. to work in your favor sometimes

"Oh? I have to agree" you spoke placing the comforter 'perfectly' on the bed, turning to face her "mine is when the sun bleeds into the room, engulfing you in its light" slowly walking towards her you wrapped your arms around her waist slowly swaying "the light of my day"

"That I have to disagree with" Donna spoke leaning back in your arms smiling "you are the light of my day." Bringing a thing ling finger down the side of your haw tilting it to her face smiling. Grasping your jaw in her firm steady hand the cool radiating off it "my love, you bring so much happiness in my life-"

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT- TELL ME TO GET OUT BEFORE YOU DO ALL THIS" a loud shirlly voice gagged at the sight of you guys flirting "MY GOD WHAT A NIGHTMARE" running out of the room, you both laughed at her reaction separating from one another

-

After getting ready for the day, Donna reached for your hand giving it a gentle squeeze before you both walked out hand in hand. "So what do you think she has planned?"

"Not sure.. she may try to get the rest of the cake from last night" Donna spoke-glancing over towards you with a shrug, drawing a gentle laugh from you "or she could try getting you to eat plywood again" a almost smug smile appeared on Donna's face at the comment

"Oh come on love, that was one time" you grimaced at the memory, one of the first nights living in the manor and somehow Angie convinced you that this 'cookie' she made was a gift from the lady of the house. What a fool you were-you should have guessed but- with it being so late you chalked it up for a stupid sleepy moment.

You can still imagine her cackles after you ate it- the only good thing out of it was that being the first time hearing Donna's voice. Even though it was just her saying "oh my" that voice, the calm deep voice made you happy for make fool of yourself.

Even eating plywood

You still aren't sure how you didn't break any teeth from it either-

"-/N? Hey love are you ok?" Snapping back into the present you looked beside you, Donna looked concerned like something was wrong, worry written in her face but most of all-the nervousness in her eye showed how concerned she really was, other then the indicator of her twitching hand-a way for her to show her emotions through her hands, a habit she picked up before she felt comfortable to not wear her veil "what's on your mind?"

"You" the automatic response made you both freeze, before giving your hand a squeeze she looked away with a slight blush-caught off guard with such a bold move.

-

Entering the kitchen, Angie was running about yelling- pans and water flinging everywhere with a bang. "Angie calm down we're here" you tried blaming her but, that seemed to just wild her up even more proceeding with her jumping onto the kitchen counter, knowing what she was going to do you ran over to her only to catch her in time

"Ok no sweets for you today missy" you gently scolded the Rowdy doll who grumbled in your arms, placing her down Angie ran to the table sitting holding the fork and knife(plastic, you learned your last mistake, no more starwars for her that's for sure) smiling at the childlike doll you jokingly rolled your eyes.

Placing the plate of glazed donuts onto the table Angie quickly snatched two cutting into it viciously then proceeded to mimick eatting it, siting down beside Donna who grabbed your hand gently rubbing the back of it with her thumb, "eat slower dear. We have a tea party scheduled today remember?" Donna spoke quietly in an attempt to remind the doll-who froze

"...did you guys think it was today?" Angie stated uncharacteristically calm before laughing loudly "TODAY? HAHA THE TALL GIRLY WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU BOTH IF THAT WAS THE CAS-" She laughed before choking the fork in her mouth going too deep, coughing it up it flew hitting the ground with a thump. "Ow."

"Oh Angie" you said kneeling down to the child doll, bringing the napkin to her face to dab it gently, from the look she gave-if she could she would have rolled her eyes at you. "Please eat slower or you'll choke"

"Choke?" Angie said before giggling, the same one everyone knew. Not anything good "kinda like how Donna choked on-"

"ANGIE" Donna yelled strained, face flushed. A loud cackling was heard before the quiet pitter patter of footsteps rushed off "I swear she will be the death of me" shaking her head she looked away to watch her as she ran

"She is a riot that's for sure" standing up you picked the dishes stacking them on one another, going over to the sink you gently placed them in as you started to wash them.

Coming up from behind you Donna wrapped her arms around your waist, "Let me help love" she whispered in your ear making you shiver in response. Chuckling softly she pulled away grabbing a plate, washing it beside you. Glancing to the women beside you, a smile came across your face.

The quiet nature combined with the.. rowdy if you'd call it nature of Angie it made life interesting to say the least. Glancing to your lover to the doll who helped you both seal the deal. It made it worth it, You'd never give this life up for anything.

[harfanfare]

Snow White and Juliet

trigger warning: suicide and just whatever happened in Romeo and Juliet & Snow White but darker.

People tend to define different things with the same word.

According to some, the lack of life is simply death. Others include there people who do nothing but work. They have no love, no passion. Those who remain unmoved by the suffering of others. Heartless ones.

For one poison vendor, "lifeless" meant being unable to move, drink, eat, but think. Think for eternity about nothing, what is described harsher than real death.

◆◆◆

„Test 103 was accomplished with success.”

There is confusion in the experiment hall. Researchers run from monitor to monitor, all comparing unexpected, but desired results.

No errors in documentation. No lapses in research. No difference in subsequent attempts.

The team of researchers was cheering in awe: the antidote for one of the biggest poisons in Twisted Wonderland, the "Poisoned Apple", has been found.

It's time to wake Neige Leblanche up.

◆◆◆

The Leblanche Tragedy happened almost two years ago when many haters got to harras Neige and his fiancée, [Name], who just announced their relationship. You were meeting already for quite a time, and knowing each other even longer. It wasn't easy to break any of you by hate.

But it wasn't also easy to live with people, who despised you with all their heart.

"It's alright," Neige whispered, his fingers combing the hair of his beloved. His voice was tranquil and soothing as always, almost by itself vanishing every bad experience. "It will be alright. I will make sure it will be."

"I know. And I am always thankful for that," you replied, cuddling him even more. Neige scent was another thing that hadn't changed over years; it was still the same aroma of wild, but soft flowers and heartwarming sunrays. Another wonderful feature. "I love you, Neige."

"I love you too."

That was the last discussion you had before the disaster happened.

And it started from no one else than Vil Schoenheit, who wasn't even aware how his actions will take a completely another turn than everyone expected.

◆◆◆

"Will it solve it? The sleeping potion?" you asked, turning the vial in your hands. It was no bigger than your little finger, and the potion there was taking only half of the space.

Not so long ago, around an hour, you found yourself invited by Vil to a tea party. You couldn't figure if he had been struck by your "help me" aura or was searching for a company, but you ended up in gardens, staring at the porcelain pot in which the tea was brewing.

It favoured the first meeting you two had: the tableware with the same, old-fashioned flowery pattern and the rich aroma of tea leaves of Vil's choice. Only a plate with sweets and fruits was something new—it was hard to convince Vil to bring anything sugary and even harder to make him try it. He finally ate a small (microscopical, in your opinion) piece of hand-made shortcake, but that was all you could do to let him appreciate the sweet energy shot.

"I cannot guarantee anything," Vil replied, watching you examine the bottle's content. "But it may work. With an emphasis on 'may'," he added, tearing his gaze away. Vil was your dear friend, and even if he didn't approve of your taste in men, especially your pick for a future husband, you were close enough to have him help you come up with a solution. "Use it as a last resort. I... am sure you will be able to find a better, safer way. For example, dumping your fiancé."

You giggled, but both of you knew his proposition was impossible. You could never leave Neige.

"Thank you, no thank you," you answered with a smile. The only thing that didn't let it last longer, were your problems. "Again, I am indebted to you. Thank you for being the best and the best prettiest in my life."

Vil puts the tea away, its taste suddenly feeling bitter and hard to swallow.

"...Well then. [Name], don't be reckless."

"I will try my best not to. I promise."

◆◆◆

You found a solution.

If you were the reason which made people attack Neige on social media and not only, why wouldn't you just disappear?

Not for eternity. Only for a month, maybe a few weeks, until the turmoil would silence. You and Neige could get married this way, inviting no one else than the closest of the closest people for the ceremony. Announcing your marriage and fake death wouldn't be that much of a shock as many could assume. There is a field called effective business, and everything can happen under that name.

I know how reckless is that, you were writing your thoughts on a paper. Once the dwarfs you invited to yourself saw the letter, they would give it to Neige. And you two would no longer have anyone who could undo anything. But think about it, Neige! If we may finally be together, isn't it a great chance?

You reassured him in the letter that you would wake up after few days. You also highlighted that he doesn't have to use your plan and let you two fight against the darker side of Wonderland together. He could just let you have week-long beauty sleep and with a fresh mind, try to solve your problems by less drastic measures: the press or announcements.

Maybe you were only overthinking and complicating the situation too much.

Your most loving fan, [Name]

You signed yourself and closed the envelope.

Your gaze returned to the sleeping potion. I am exaggerating, you thought. Your plans could fit into a script of a good film but in real life? What you were about to do felt... irrational and foolish.

Maybe you would change your mind if not the rush.

Once you heard footsteps on the floor and your friends, dwarfs, calling your name, you knew it is time to make a decision.

You quickly unscrewed the bottle and put it in your mouth. The sweet, sleepy fragrance with a hint of rosemary sent you to a sleep that devotedly resembled a death. The crash and sound of breaking glass as you fell to the ground immediately alerted everyone in the mansion. You couldn't hear the accelerated footsteps, screams, cries and commotion that was going on over you.

Before anyone could think to do something other than trying to wake you up and calling the hospital, the letter with your plan flew outside the window.

That night you broke two things: the promise you made to Vil and a heart of Neige.

◆◆◆

The death of [Name], the fiancée of the most adored man in the world.

Marriage cancelled? The mystery behind the death of [Name] [Surname].

A Dead bride.

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎

Neige scrolled through the media, each article made his heart ache. He ignored a great count of calls and didn't manage to appear at your funeral in time.

He was a broken toy, who just lost its batteries. He was a wrack of what he was before. Beautiful on the outside, blank on the inside.

Wearing a dark, a bit too oversized suit, he laid against one of the roadside trees. He closed his eyes, trying not to focus on any people, buildings or sounds except his breath. It was slow and steady until he remembered why he tries to calm down; then he would choke on his breath, tears falling from his eyes and trying to not lose balance.

"Would you like an apple?"

Neige wiped his tears in a sleeve and slowly turned around to see an old lady behind a stall. It was ruined and seemed unattended for years. The counter was doty, wood softened and tore off in big pieces by the wind and rain. Between beautifully decorated shops and cafes, this stall seemed to be a remnant that no one ever wanted to touch.

"Thank you, but I am fine." Neige replied in his polite tone, but the smile he sent her looked like nothing near 'fine'. "I am not allowed to take anything from strangers, but that is really kind of you!"

"Not just a bite?" the lady continued, putting an apple on the counter. It was brown, slightly green, and Neige would never guess it was an apple. Maybe more like a rotten apple, but no one would say that this apple was unfresh. Adversely, it contained freshness, but not of the common kind. "Wouldn't you like to join your lover?"

Neige held his breath.

"You mean... to die?"

"What I mean has no value. You will understand it the other way, even if I tried to explain," she replied. Her voice was squeaky as she repeated the question the same enigmatic way she did the first time. "So, would you like an apple?"

"No, thank you..." Neige bowed slightly. He hesitated, before trying his best to speak up. "I- I think [Name] would hate me dying. Only if she could understand this too..."

"Maybe she did" the lady replied. There was conviction in her voice, and Neige couldn't help but take her words seriously. "Or maybe not."

Neige hoped you did. How he loved you and how your death changed him from the happiest man in the world, the saddest one. He didn't know why you took your life and why he didn't notice anything before. He regretted spending not as much time with you as he wanted to.

But nothing could be done to change the past.

"I will get going," Neige said. He glanced towards the old lady, who smiled at him and showed some of her lacking teeth. "And... could you fetch me this apple, please?"

◆◆◆

Once Neige's gaze settled on your figure, the world was immediately forgotten.

He could hear his pulse pounding in his ears much more than silence who was your only companion.

No flowers, candles and golden ornaments of the church could divide Neige's attention, as his pace fastened with every step he made towards you. He didn't hesitate to lock his fingers with yours. He squeezed them, wishing his warmth could reach you.

"[Name]..." he whispered, getting his face closer to your sleeping face. He gently removed the lost strands of hair from your face, not believing that you won't wake up anymore. As much as he wanted to, no mage in Twisted Wonderland could bring the dead back to life. At least not in human's form. "I love you so much. T-too much, I think. How can I live without... my life?"

He gave you one last 'farewell' kiss on the lips, his body next to yours. "See you soon, [Name]."

His expression is the softest one he ever wore, as he reaches for an apple.

He bit it.

And then 'died'.

No sooner than the poison completely took control of his body, you woke up.

"Neige...?" you murmured, bringing your hand to his cheek. The anxiety mingled with your thoughts once you look around yourself. "We are... in a coffin?" You sat. It required effort, after not using muscles for a whole week. By the time, you took a break, you conjectured what happened. You jerked your head around and let your hands cup your lover's face. "Ple-please, please, Neige, don't do this to me. Please."

He didn't respond and the bitterness you tasted when you kissed his still warm lips confirmed that he didn't use Vil's potion. He was poisoned, and the amount left on his lips wasn't enough to take you to the same place as him. "Why didn't left anything for me? Neige..."

Your eye caught the glimmer. You went closer to notice the dagger, resting on the floor. It wasn't that visible as the weapon would be, and until you were a step from it, you could see how thin the blade was. As edge as sturdy.

The fear paralyzed you, as you came back to the coffin. But the remorse and the sight of your lover's dead body were stronger. Your whole body was shivering, a tremor affecting you more than you could ever imagine, making you go mad. Insane.

With one sharp move, you dug the blade into your chest, scared and closing your eyes.

"I am a fool."

By the time anyone arrives, it is too late to rescue you or stop the poison coursing through Neige's veins.

◆◆◆

In the morning sun rises, and everyone in Wonderland wakes up.

It is also the first time in two years since Neige fell asleep.

He can't feel anything. He can't sense the flaxen shirt the doctors changed him in. He can't get his mind through the haze, that has been floating around his thoughts just after he drank the poison. He can't answer the calls of the doctors and his friends, dwarfs, who are gathering around his bed.

But he can open his eyes.

And once he does, the silence is overcoming. When the fact finally sinks in everyone's heart, a great cheer flies across the room. Some of the gathered give Neige comforting touch or reassuringly squeeze his hand.

It takes him some time to realize what is happening, why is he in the hospital room, why people are crying around him and why you aren't the first one he sees once he wakes up. His habit of kicking you while sleeping was something you complained and teased him about. Even if he didn't wake you in his sleep, when he was getting up, his knee would always hit your arm or stomach, waking you up and having you buck him off the bed as revenge.

What he also can do, except for trying to stay awake and catching things his visitors chatter around him, is to try to remember. He didn't lose his memories! It just needs some effort to get them back from the darkest recesses of his mind! And then to regret it.

A whole wave of memories hits him like a tsunami, not leaving him space to breathe and see anything else than chaos, now replaced by the memories of you two.

The kisses. The promises. The vowes. The proposal. The struggles. The tenacity to get over your problems. The plan. The dead body of yours.

He doesn't have to turn around to know that you aren't in a hospital bed beside him. He remembered some of the talks of his friends when he was sleeping. Now everyone is waiting for him to return.

"Neige! You've finally woke up, huh!" Che'nya chippers, his voice cracking at last words. He is relieved about the news and only bad Neige's condition stops him from throwing himself at his arms and spreading the revelation to everyone... No, not even Neige himself can stop him from the latter.

Neige wasn't going to stop him. His mind still replayed the "finally woke up" part, as if the film stopped at the most painful scene, then broke and started to replay the scene once again. And again.

He turned his head on the side, letting the tears run down his cheeks.

He really can't feel anything.

"That," Neige manages to whisper under his breath. It is the first time he tries to say anything, and grievously struggles to put his words together. "is- is... so cruel." Everyone stared at him in silence, the same way they did when Neige and his dead lover were found. His cry brings tears to everyone's eyes, having many people bow under the weight of sorrow and put a hand over their lips to not let themself break again. "I didn't want to wake up..!"

[fanficbitch]

In Another Life // Two Ghosts

Aaron Hotchner x y/n

March 2013

It’s current day at the BAU. I’m working at my desk like normal, every so often peeking over at Aaron’s office every few minutes. It’s just comforting knowing that he is so close to me while I work. Spencer, Alex and JJ work at their desks around me. I am very engrossed in my work, but look up when I hear footsteps up to me. I look up and jump in my seat when I see the face in front of me. It’s Haley, with her blonde hair, it was brown the last time I saw her. The last time I saw her laying in a pool of blood…

“Haley,” I blurt out.

“Hi Y/N,” she smiles. She adjusts her bag on her shoulder then looks around the BAU. “Is Aaron in his office?”

“Uh, yeah. Do you need to talk to him about Jack?” I ask, but she laughs at me.

“No,” she says with a crude smile. “I’m here for our date.”

I choke on the air I’m breathing. “D-Date?” I finally get out.

“Of course, a wife has got to keep her husband close,” she says.

“But you two are separated,” I say.

Haley tilts her head at me and pinches her eyebrows. “What are you talking about?”

Based on how things are going I’m scared to say this next part. “But Aaron and I are together,” I say slowly.

Haley looks concerned, then quickly laughs. “Oh I get it. You’re his work wife. Very cute,” she says. “I should get going,” she says, but I get up and follow her.

“No, no, not just that,” I say over her shoulder. She’s walking towards Aaron’s office. “Aaron and I are in a committed relationship.”

Haley ignores me and walks into Aaron’s office with me on her heels. When we walk in Aaron looks up and smiles at me, or at least I think he’s smiling at me. “Hi honey,” Aaron says and I flash him a grateful smile.

“Thank goodness,” I say and walk past Haley to him. Although, once I reach Aaron he gives me a weird look. “Honey, are you okay?”

Aaron chuckles. “Y/L/N, you should probably stick to calling me Hotch.”

“W-What are you talking about?” I ask. But he ignores me and walks up to Haley and kisses her. On the lips. “Aaron,” I snap.

He turns around to face me, clearly annoyed. “Y/L/N, my wife and I could use some time alone,” Aaron says.

“But she’s not your wife. I-I’m your girlfriend!”

Both of them look at me with wild eyes. “Y/L/N, are you feeling alright?” Aaron asks.

“Yes, I’m fine,” I shout. “I know what’s real and I know that you’re my boyfriend.”

“Honey,” Haley hisses. “He will never be yours. He’s mine,” she smiles up at him again and they kiss.

I wake with a jolt, shaking the arms off my waist that previously rested there. I scramble in bed for a moment, but finally go still once I sit against the headboard. I haven’t been very quiet, so the person next to me also sits against the headboard.

“Honey,” Aaron croaks. “Are you alright?”

Oh my God, it’s just like my dream.

“I-I need to go,” I say then throw the cover off me and slip my shoes on. 

Aaron chuckles. “Go where? It’s the middle of the night.”

I don’t answer him and just leave the room. I don’t know where to go so I settle on a bench outside the hotel. I wish I brought my jacket. It’s freezing out here and I’m only in a tank top. However, I am sitting by myself for less than five minutes because Aaron comes outside bundled up and holding a blanket for me.

“Thanks,” I grumble as I take the blanket and quickly wrap it around me. He sits down next to me with a long sigh.

“So what’s going on?” he asks.

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. “I just don’t feel right about this.”

“About what?” he asks.

“This baby,” I say and turn to my boyfriend. His face goes blank as he continues to make eye contact with me. “Aaron?” I snap. He shakes his head and comes back into reality. He reaches out and takes my hands in his.

“Do you not want to have this baby?” Aaron asks and I stay silent. I don’t know what to say. I eye Aaron again carefully. His face is full of concern. I have to tell him what’s been going on.

“Okay,” I hum while placing my palms on my eyes. “I’ve been having some…guilt about the baby.”

Aaron furrows his eyebrows. “What is there to be guilty about?” he asks.

My chest starts to grow tight and tears start to fight their way out of my eyes. After a moment of resisting, I let the tears fall as I gently weep. “Haley,” I murmur.

Aaron wraps me in his arms and holds me against his chest. “What about Haley?” he asks.

“I’ve just been feeling guilty like I am taking over her life. I don’t ever want to replace Haley in Jack’s or your lives, but I don’t know what I am suppose to do. Am I suppose to not marry you and not have babies with you? Am I suppose to not love Jack? I just don’t know anymore Aaron,” I rant. “Then I had this dream where Haley wasn’t acting like herself and saying that she would always have you and you would never be mine. And you were acting like we weren’t together.”

Aaron stays quiet for a few moments, but rubs circles in my back. “You know what I think we should do?” he asks and I look up at him. “We should talk to Haley. Jack and I talk to her occasionally before bed, but it sounds like you need to talk to her too.”

I am a little unsure. What am I suppose to say? But I agree anyway. “Okay,” I say.

“We’ll do it right when we get home,” Aaron says then kisses my forehead.

                                                          **********

I got out of the shower just a few minutes ago and am currently brushing out my hair. The whole team just returned from Minnesota a few hours ago. It was nearly dinner time so we picked up some food for the three of us then ate at home. I got in the shower right after dinner because I am beyond exhausted. I am planning on a long, solid sleep.

I open the bathroom door and see Aaron in his pajamas sitting on the edge of the bed. “Are you ready?” he asks.

“For bed, yes,” I laugh then pull back the covers.

“No,” Aaron says then grabs my hand. “To talk to Haley.”

I freeze. I didn’t realize we were still doing that. Maybe it will be a good thing though. I’ll do anything to stop this guilty feeling in my chest. I give my boyfriend’s hand a squeeze then let him lead me into Jack’s room.

There is a candle and a lighter resting on the floor with Jack sitting in front of them. “Jack, Y/N is gonna join us this time to talk to mommy. Is that okay?” Aaron asks.

Jack nods quickly and scoots over. “Thank you buddy,” I whisper as I sit down cross legged in front of the candle with Aaron next to me. Without warning, Jack sits in my lap and lets me wrap my arms around his tiny torso. 

Aaron carefully lights the candle then turns to me and Jack. “Hi Mommy,” Jack says and my heart nearly breaks. “At school I am doing a lot of reading and I’m playing a lot of soccer.”

“Tell her how good you are,” Aaron whispers to him.

“I’m really good. I score all the time,” Jack says which causes me to chuckle.

“Hi Haley,” Aaron says. “I miss you and love you. Work is going well, but I know you would tell me that I’m working too hard. I’m spending lots of time with Jack and going to all of his games. I wish you could be here to see him play. And something very exciting is happening. Jack, do you want to tell her?”

“Mommy, I’m getting a little brother-,” Jack exclaims.

“Well we don’t know if it’s a girl or boy yet, but yes, there is going to be a baby,” Aaron says then he pauses and turns to me. “And we brought Y/N here to get some advice from you.”

I give Aaron a small smile then turn to the flickering light. I let out a shaky breath and nervously run my fingers down Jack’s hair. “Hi Haley,” I say. I pause for so long that Aaron finally turns to me. “Is there any chance I could talk to her alone?” I ask quietly.

Aaron nods. “Sure, Jack, let’s give Y/N and Mommy a moment together,” Aaron says then takes Jack’s hand and leads him out of the room. I let out a shaky breath before continuing.

“Hi Haley. I know we never really close while you were here, but I sort of feel like we’re bonded now. You know, both having been Aaron’s girlfriend at one point,” I say with a laugh. “Anyway, I’m sort of struggling. As Aaron said, I’m pregnant, but I’m feeling guilty that I’m stealing your life. You know, it should be you with Aaron and Jack and having Aaron’s second baby, not me,” I say as tears stream down my face. “But the hardest part is that I want to be with Aaron and care for Jack, but I feel like I’m living in your shadow.”

I’m quiet for a moment. “So I guess I’m asking your permission to be with them? Ugh,” I say then bury my face in my hands. “I honestly don’t know what I’m asking. I just don’t want to feel guilty anymore. I want to know that you are okay with me taking care of your husband and your son.”

I focus on the candle. I guess I expect there to be some sign to know that she’s listening, but there’s nothing.

“And I am really trying to keep my promise I made to you, to keep Aaron safe. But as you know, he’s got a mind of his own,” I say. “I want to make a new promise now too. I want to promise that I will love Jack and Aaron with all of my heart and never let them forget how much they are loved. I also want to promise that I won’t let them forget you. I always want you to be a part of our lives.”

Suddenly, the candle blows out on its own. It takes me a second to realize what happened. I stare at the smoke curling into the air and know that must be Haley’s way of saying “okay”.