#'coming out of the closet' except its my sexuality coming out to me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

siebear · 4 months ago

Text

Beach Trip - Yoon Hyunsuk

Pairing: Yoon Hyunsuk x Female Reader

Word Count: 7.5k

Warnings: sexual content 18+ (minors dni pls), cursing, alcohol consumption (every character mentioned is legal in this au), vomiting

Genre: Smut, fluff, angst, non idol au, friends to lovers

Summary: You and your best friend Hyunsuk take a much needed vacation to Santa Cruz, California along with a few of your other friends (CIX). While staying in your shared beachside cabin, tensions grow between you and Hyunsuk, and the feelings you share can't be hidden any longer. Of course, not without a little drama.

Abbreviations: Y/N: Your Name, B/F/N: Best Friend's Name

(A/N: I felt as though there wasn't enough fanfic about CIX, so I wanted to write my own! This is my first time writing smut, so if it is awkward I apologize! Anyways, please enjoy this story)

______________________________________________________________

The day had finally come.

The beach trip with your closest friends that you had been anticipating for a while now was happening at last. It's very common for your friend group to create plans that never leave the group chat, but this time your self-designated “group leader” Byounggon was determined to make it happen. So, on a random weekday he suddenly sent a screenshot of a beachside Airbnb that he found in Santa Cruz, California to the chat and told everyone to venmo him ASAP so he could book it. Surprisingly, everyone was on board, and you were all able to come to an agreement on the dates for this vacation.

These past few months have been nothing but school, work, repeat, and you were so excited to break the seemingly never-ending cycle for summer vacation. In fact, you took an entire week off of work just for this three-day long adventure. Before you could even climb out of bed, you heard your phone buzz. You quickly unplugged it from its charger and read the message your phone displayed. It was from your best friend, Hyunsuk.

Hyunsuk: i’ll be over in a few with my stuff

Y/N: i just woke up, can you give me like 10 mins?

Hyunsuk: …bruh

Hyunsuk: we’re supposed to leave in 30

Y/N: i know but i woke up late, pls give me like 10 minutes to get my stuff together

Hyunsuk: i’ll be over in 5

You sighed as you placed your phone back on your bedside table. There was no arguing with him and you knew that. As his best friend of over 15 years, you knew him well enough to not try to convince him once he had his mind set on something, as he was often extremely stubborn.

Sometimes, however, with the right tone of voice and pleading eyes, you could convince him to give into your demands. Unfortunately over text these methods don’t work on him, so you have to settle with what he wants for the time being.

You finally got the motivation to get yourself out of bed and walked over to your closet to find something to wear. Since it was a long car ride, you decided to throw on something comfortable which just so happened to be a pair of black gym shorts and a hoodie with a black tank top underneath. Hyunsuk, being the gentleman that he is, offered to drive with the exception that you two took your car since you had more trunk space to which you happily agreed to. This gave you the opportunity to sleep on the way there, as you couldn’t deal with Hyunsuk yapping your ear off this early in the morning.

You heard your parents downstairs talking to Hyunsuk, which made you speed run brushing your hair and teeth before quickly throwing those last minute items into your overnight bag. You then left your room with your car keys to go greet him and allow him to start loading his things into the vehicle, but the second you started walking down the stairs he turned to smile at you which made your heart…flutter?

“Stop it”, you thought to yourself, “He’s my friend…just my friend…”

You’ve been having these intrusive thoughts lately about him that make your cheeks flush red and give you the feeling of butterflies in your stomach. You often wondered what life would be like if he was yours. You wanted to know what would it be like to be able to cuddle with him, kiss, and even more.

Sometimes these thoughts make you sick to your stomach, since you’ve known him since you two were in kindergarten. Lately, however, you haven’t been able to suppress these thoughts as they've been taking over your daydreams. You yearn for Hyunsuk, but you don’t know or even want to know if he yearns for you back. You refuse to ruin your friendship with him, as this is the most valuable thing in the world to you.

“Finally” Hyunsuk says, snapping you out of your thoughts.

“Shut the fuck up, it didn’t take me that long to get ready” you argued back while reaching the bottom of the stairs. Hyunsuk chuckled to himself and turned to your parents.

“See what I have to deal with?” He said jokingly, which made your parents laugh but brought you to smack his arm lightly out of slight annoyance.

“You’re a weakling” He said, peering down at you.

“I swear I will punch you next time” You stated, crossing your arms and looking back up at him with a smug smile on your face.

“Don’t get too feisty now, we got a long car ride to go on together” Hyunsuk said back, which raised a huge sigh out of you. You were looking forward to being alone with him, but long car rides were not fun for you at all. Hyunsuk then took your keys from you and went to unlock your car so he could begin packing. You said goodbye to your parents as Hyunsuk came back inside to help grab your things from upstairs and load them into your trunk.

“When will you be back?” Your mom asked, hugging you goodbye.

“I’ll be back in 3 days” You responded.

“Ok good, please be safe” your mom leaned in close to whisper to you

“You know, I’m so glad you have a friend like Hyunsuk, he’ll be there to protect you”. You blushed slightly and looked down at the ground.

“I have my pepper spray mom”

“I know, but you know what I mean. He’s a good man Y/N, and he will be there for you”

“Mom please!” You whispered, but then you suddenly heard the trunk of the car slam shut which made you jolt a bit. Hyunsuk came running back inside to let you know that he was ready to go and that he was going to start the car. You said your final goodbyes and waved to your parents as you and Hyunsuk backed out of the driveway and took off towards your destination.

The car ride was miserably long. Not even 20 minutes in you kicked your shoes off and placed your feet up on the dash, and to Hyunsuk’s annoyance you turned up the A/C since you liked it cold. However, you were grateful that he was driving and you didn’t ask to stop for snacks or a bathroom break unless it was necessary to stop for gas. You also were able to use your guilt tripping skills on Hyunsuk to get him to buy you a bag of chips and a soda at the gas station for you, but he secretly enjoyed doing that despite the fact that he seemed to act displeased when paying.

After hours of being on the road you finally arrived at the beachside Airbnb. You gasped at the sight, as the scenery was even more beautiful in person. This house was two stories and on the side it had a stairway leading down to what looked like a private beach area. You looked back at Hyunsuk and pointed out all the little details you noticed as you pulled into the driveway and he smiled. Little did you know, Hyunsuk wasn’t smiling at the scenery. He was just happy that you were happy to be here, but he didn’t need you to know that.

As soon as you got out of the car you were greeted by your girl best friend, B/F/N. She gave you the biggest hug and almost picked you up off the ground out of pure excitement. You two haven’t seen each other in weeks due to conflicting work schedules. Luckily though, you were both understanding and still managed to text each other daily.

“Come on guys! Everyone is inside waiting for you!” B/F/N said in an excited tone.

“I told you we’d be the last ones here Y/N!” Hyunsuk said. You rolled your eyes at him.

“It’s fine Hyunsuk, let’s go inside!” You said, leaving him to grab the bags from the trunk as you walked towards the front door with B/F/N.

“Oh, before we go inside, I need to tell you something” B/F/N said, her tone changing to be slightly serious.

“What did Jinyoung finally propose to you?” You asked.

“No! Not yet anyways…but it’s about the bedroom arrangement” She said. You looked at her confused.

“What do you mean? Is my bedroom not the one upstairs anymore?” You asked.

“So, um, please don’t get mad, but the listing had the wrong number of bedrooms…” She trailed off.

“What do you mean?” You repeated yourself.

“Well…come on I’ll just show you” She took your arm and led you inside and towards a room on the downstairs floor. You briefly waved at the four boys who were sitting in the living room playing a card game before being dragged away down a hallway. Once you got to the room she opened it and showed you inside.

“Is this my room?” You asked, confused as to why this would be a problem.

“Yeah…and Hyunsuk’s…”

“What?” You were getting annoyed at her dodging the questions you’ve been asking.

“So basically, me and Jinyoung are sharing a room while BX and Seunghun share a room, and Yonghee is taking the room that has the twin bed because he wants to be alone, so this is the only room left for you and Hyunsuk and we figured you guys would be ok if you took the room with the bigger bed while Yonghee took the smaller bed” B/F/N said, almost out of breath by the end of her tangent.

The realization hit you like a bullet to the chest, your stomach dropping as if you were on some intense roller coaster ride. What kind of cliche fanfiction trope is this?

“Oh so you mean me and Hyunsuk have to…share the bed…okay…” You said slowly.

“Please don’t be mad! Besides from what you’ve been telling me I thought you would love this–” You quickly shushed her by putting your hand over her mouth as you heard footsteps coming down the hallway. The door swung open to reveal a very tired looking Hyunsuk carrying your overnight bags. His eyes widened as he saw that there was only one bed in the room.

“Is this the room?” He asked, his eyes darting between you and your best friend.

“Yep this is it! I will leave you guys to get settled, bye!” B/F/N said awkwardly before scurrying out of the room and slamming the door shut.

“I guess the Airbnb had the wrong number of rooms listed…” you trailed off before sitting down on the edge of the bed. Hyunsuk came to sit next to you, as he needed a bit of rest from the car ride.

“Are you ok with this?” He asked. You were surprised at the question.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” You asked back. He shrugged.

“I don’t know, we’ve just never slept in a bed together. If it makes you more comfortable I can sleep on the floor or on the couch or something” He said. You shook your head.

“No no it’s fine, I truly don’t mind, as long as you don’t either” You said back. He smiled at you, which made your cheeks turn a slight pink.

“I don’t mind at all,” He said. He suddenly stood up and started looking around, trying to figure out how to arrange all of your things.

“At least we have our own bathroom in here” He said. Then your phone buzzed, it was a text in the groupchat from Yonghee telling everyone to get their swimsuits on and meet him in the hot tub on the back deck. You relayed the message to Hyunsuk, and you both took turns changing before meeting the others outside.

After weeks of not seeing them, you forgot how much fun hanging out with your friends was. After popping open a few cans of alcoholic seltzers and sharing a bottle of vodka with the others you were having the time of your life, as you were already wasted by 10pm playing a game of drunk truth or dare with the others while still in the hot tub. After Yonghee started pouting for being dared to scream the word “penis” for the third time it was your turn to finally ask Hyunsuk the question.

“Sukkie...truth or dare” you giggled. Sukkie was the nickname you gave him in private, but now your friends know, as you can’t stop calling him that in your drunken state. Your friends started chanting the word dare, and he got visibly annoyed with them.

“Okay fuck I’ll chose dare!” He exclaimed.

“I dare you…to shotgun another seltzer with me” You said, not being able to contain your laughter. He looked at you concerned, as well as the others. You were already far ahead of them as you made it your mission to get wasted tonight.

“I don’t know Y/N, you’re already pretty drunk,” Hyunsuk replied.

“Pleaseeeeee sukkie it’ll be soooooo much fun!!” You begged. He sighed and got out of the hot tub to grab two seltzer cans. You followed him and watched as he popped open the bottle with a key, a sight that you never thought could turn you on, but it did. He handed you the can and you both counted down from 3 before popping the tab and beginning to shotgun. He beat you easily, as you were still trying to down the cool carbonated liquid as it burned your throat. After you finished, you instantly knew that was a mistake as your stomach couldn’t handle it anymore.

Before you knew it, you told everyone you’d be right back and then rushed inside to your room as you couldn’t fight the urge to throw up.

Unfortunately you were stuck in the bathroom for a minute. Hyunsuk noticed you were gone for a while and went to check on you, where he found you in the bathroom vomiting for the third time in a row. He looked visibly worried as he kneeled down beside you to hold your hair back while you let out yet another one.

“I”m so sorry…I know this is gross,” You said, feeling yourself begin to become sober again.

“It’s ok, you can let it out, I’m here for you no matter what. Besides, you helped me through my last hangover. It’s the least I can do” Hyunsuk said with a smile, but you could tell through his eyes that he was concerned for you.

“I think I just need to lay down now” You said, trying to stand on your own but failing. Hyunsuk quickly picked you up and carried you, gently laying you down on the bed making sure to lay you on your side.

“Don’t move ok? I’m going to grab you some water” He said before rushing out the door.

You couldn’t help but start to doze off as you heard him telling your other friends that you got sick, but you didn’t mind that they knew. Before Hyunsuk came back, you ended up falling asleep. He entered the room with your water and couldn’t help but smile to himself as he heard the soft snores coming from your side of the bed. He set the glass of water down on the nightstand next to you and brushed his hand over your face, tucking some hair behind your ear.

At that moment he wanted nothing more than to kiss your forehead and then cuddle up to you in bed. However, he knew that he couldn’t do that. After all, you two were just friends, and he didn’t want to ruin it. He climbed into bed next to you before turning away to resist the urge to spoon his best friend, and after thinking about how pretty you were to him, he was able to fall asleep as well.

You woke up with a pounding headache, looking to your side you reached over to your nightstand to chug the water Hyunsuk left there for you. Your sudden rise to sit up made Hyunsuk wake up, thinking you needed to throw up again.

“Sorry sukkie, I didn’t mean to wake you up” You said.

“It’s ok Y/N, you just had me worried for a second.” He responded before laying back down on his side and falling back to sleep. You were desperate to get rid of that awful headache, so you climbed out of bed and made your way to the kitchen to search for some medicine. You discovered Seunghun making himself a bowl of cereal in nothing but plaid pajama pants on.

“Seunghun jumpscare warning next time please!” You joked as you pretended to shield your eyes from his naked upper half. You couldn’t lie, he looked good, but you currently had your eyes on someone else.

“Wow, that was rude!” Seunghun said, not being able to hide his laughter.

“Don’t worry I was kidding!” You defended yourself.

“How are you feeling?” Seunghun asked you.

“Not great, I have a really bad headache that’s not going away. I already chugged some water but it’s still here” You responded, rubbing the side of your head.

“I think B/F/N might have some medicine, you should go ask her. I saw her take something this morning” Seunghun responded as he took a bite of his cereal.

“Will do, thanks Seunghun!” you said before heading up the stairs to B/F/N and Jinyoung’s room. After interrogating your friend as to why she suddenly has a bunch of hickeys on her chest, she finally forked over some advil for you to take. After you took the pills, she whispered to you.

“You know, Hyunsuk was really worried about you last night”

“Really?” You asked, sounding surprised.

“Yeah, I mean we were all worried, but he was restless when you left to go to the bathroom and needed to check on you as soon as he could. Also, when he came to get you water last night, he told us he was going to stop drinking with us so he could lay in bed with you to make sure you were ok” She responded with a smile on her face.

“I guess I am lucky to have a friend like him, huh?” You say nonchalantly. This caused your friend to smack you lighty on the arm.

“Girl I think he wants you, and not in the friend way,” she said. You started blushing again.

“I really don’t think so,” You denied it. Although, that is the only thing that you want right now.

“Whatever, just pay attention to how he looks at you today. He definitely sees you as more than a friend,” B/F/N responded. You shook your head before walking back downstairs towards your room.

“Does he really see me as more than a friend?” You couldn’t help but wonder. You didn’t want to let your friend give you false hope, but you wanted to believe it so bad.

Today you and your friends decided to go to the Santa Cruz beach boardwalk, so you all piled in your car and headed towards the boardwalk together. After you park your friend group immediately split up as Seunghun, Yonghee, and Byounggon wanted to go on rides while Jinyoung and B/F/N wanted to lay on the beach. Hyunsuk decided he was hungry, so the two of you go to the food area and buy him a burger while you got a corndog.

Unfortunately, Hyunsuk couldn’t help it when his mind started to wander while he watched you eat, and he couldn’t help the growing bulge in his pants either. It also wasn’t his fault that you decided to wear short denim shorts and a crop top that very well showed your cleavage to him. You may or may not have done that on purpose. This outfit left a lot up to his imagination, and he couldn’t stop himself from picturing what it would be like to be inside of you at the moment.

“H-how’s the food?” He stuttered, trying to take his mind off of how good you looked right now.

“It’s so good, do you want a bite?” You offer him your corn dog, but he refuses.

“No I’m good I have my burger,” he says quickly while shoving another bite in his mouth.

“Are you ok? You’ve been acting weird since we got here” You asked him, genuinely concerned.

“Yep I’m fine! Let's go play some games or something” He said, finishing his burger and getting up to throw the trash away. You followed him, but almost got lost in the sea of people trying to keep up with him. He noticed you were trailing behind and grabbed your hand to pull you next to him. You started to get butterflies in your stomach with the realization you guys were holding hands, but Hyunsuk was trying to get the image of him fucking you in that outfit out of his head.

He thought the arcade would help, but it actually did the opposite. You pulled Hyunsuk towards one of your favorite games which happened to be crossy road. The way you bent over to focus on the game drove him up a wall. He almost said screw it and bent you over the machine to fuck you from behind, but of course he couldn’t. He did not want to get arrested today. Instead, he began to separate himself from you and focus on games he wanted to play such as first person shooters. He found a zombie one that he liked and played it until his little problem started to die down.

He didn’t realize how much time passed until you approached him and asked him if it was ok if you guys went on a few rides now. He apologized for taking so long and you two left the arcade, but you were sad because this time he didn’t grab your hand.

You two found yourselves in line for the log ride, and you were so excited because you haven’t been on a water ride in a long time. Your turn came and went, and by the end you were soaked because not only did the ride splash you, but Yonghee and Byounggon decided to be assholes and pay for the water guns at the end of the ride to spray you guys even more. It wasn’t until after the ride that Hyunsuk realized he made yet another mistake and allowed you to get your clothes wet in front of him. All he wanted was to rip the clothes off of you at this point, and he couldn’t handle it anymore.

“Can we go now?” Hyunsuk suddenly asked as the five of you were walking to meet back up with Jinyoung and B/F/N.

“What? But it’s only been a few hours” Yonghee whined.

“Please? I’m tired” Hyunsuk snapped back at him.

“What made you tired? All we did was play arcade games and stand in lines” You said, slightly irritated at the fact that he already wanted to leave.

“I’m just tired, ok? I drove you yesterday while you got to sleep in the passenger seat” He said back. You did not like his tone.

“Why is it my fault? You offered to drive,” You argued back. Hyunsuk was starting to get even more turned on, but he decided he couldn’t be here any longer with his little problem.

“Whatever, I’m just going to uber home” He says and then starts speed walking away. Everyone started to call his name but he disappeared into the crowd. You were visibly upset by this, and Seunghun started to pat your back gently.

“It’s ok Y/N, whatever it is I’m sure it’s not your fault” He said trying to comfort you.

“I hope it’s not” You say, tears starting to form in your eyes. Byounggon noticed and offered to take you on more rides which cheered you up. While you were in line for a rollercoaster, Byounggon realized he hadn’t taken any photos on this trip yet so he whipped out his phone and took a selfie of you and him to post on his instagram story. You stood on your tippy toes and rested your chin on his shoulder for the picture, thinking nothing of it at the time. He then put his phone away so you guys could get onto the ride.

Back at the Airbnb, Hyunsuk saw the photo. He thought you two were too close for his liking, and he got mad. He was so upset that he almost threw his phone at the wall, but he opted to set it down instead. He paced around the room anxiously. He wanted to get back at you, but he didn’t know how. All he wanted was for you to be his, but in his angry mind he thought you wanted to be with Byounggon. Suddenly he picked up his phone and started downloading an app that he hasn’t used in a long time: tinder. He decided that if he couldn’t have you, the best thing to do right now would be to fuck some other girl so he could get his mind off of you.

You finally returned to the house with the others after having an amazing time at the boardwalk, you almost forgot about Hyunsuk’s little fit and went to the bedroom to tell him all about it. You walked in and suddenly felt your heart sink as you saw Hyunsuk putting his shoes on.

“Hey Hyunsuk, what’re ya doin?” You asked, trying to joke around. He didn’t even look up at you.

“I’m going out. I’ll be back later,” He replied coldly. Your heart sank even more.

“Where are you going? Can I come?” You asked. He snapped his head up and shot you a dirty look.

“No you can’t come with me, it’s none of your business” he says while tying his laces.

“How come? You can tell me I promise I won’t judge” you pleaded.

“I said NO Y/N,” he raised his voice at you. You were taken aback by his tone.

“Oh…” you said quietly. That’s all you could manage to get out. Hyunsuk’s phone then buzzed with a message, and you saw it was from tinder. Suddenly every hope you had of being with him was gone, and you almost burst into tears. But you couldn’t let Hyunsuk see you like that, so you held it in. Once he finished putting his shoes on he stood up and walked past you towards the door, but before he left you managed to get one sentence out.

“Have fun fucking some random bitch” you said in the most monotone voice you could manage. You didn’t like how you said it, but you didn’t care. Hyunsuk hurt your feelings and you wanted to hurt him back.

“I will, and you have fun fucking Byounggon tonight” he said, slamming the bedroom door shut.

“Wait what?” you asked yourself. You then realized what he said, and it couldn’t be further from the truth. You then realized that he was referring to the photo that you and Byounggon took, and upon further inspection it did look slightly like a couple photo. You messed up, but he had the wrong idea. By the time you realized where the miscommunication was, Hyunsuk already left in your car, which made you even more upset. You tried calling him, but he kept declining. All you could do was cry as the others comforted you in the living room. They kept telling you it wasn’t your fault, and Byounggon felt especially guilty. He tried calling Hyunsuk as well, but it was no use. You assured him that it wasn’t his fault.

After about 20 minutes of trying to contact him, everyone gave up and decided to head to their rooms for the night. They all told you that if you needed anything at all then to come find them, and you just nodded your head and tried wiping away tears but they kept coming. You sent one last long text to Hyunsuk explaining the situation and telling him this was all a big misunderstanding before putting your phone back in your pocket and silencing the ringer.

Once everyone went to their rooms, you decided you needed a breath of fresh air, so you got some new clothes on, grabbed a blanket, and walked down to the private beach area. You laid the blanket down and curled into a ball on it. You couldn’t help but start crying again. You wondered why Hyunsuk was acting like he hated you suddenly, and why he didn’t want to hear your explanation. Once you felt like you cried enough, you sat up and stared at the sea. Watching the waves crash on the shore was almost therapeutic for you, and it helped calm you down.

Suddenly you felt a presence behind you, but you couldn’t bring yourself to turn around. Then, that same presence sat beside you on your blanket. You kept your gaze on the ocean’s waves in front of you, but you knew that the person who joined you was Hyunsuk. You couldn’t even look at him after what happened tonight. He made you feel so ashamed of yourself. However, he knew you were upset with him, so you two sat together on the beach in silence for what felt like hours before you decided to break it.

“How was she?” you asked. It probably wasn’t the right question to ask, but you couldn’t help it.

“I didn’t go,” Hyunsuk said firmly.

“What made you change your mind?” You asked, not fully believing him. He was gone for an hour after all.

“I parked in an empty parking lot and did some thinking, I realized what I was doing was stupid” He said.

“Yeah, it was stupid” you scoffed.

“Especially because you took my car, asshole”

“It was, and I’m sorry,” Hyunsuk said.

“I appreciate your apology, but I need an explanation” You said to him. He sighed, but agreed to tell you.

“Like I said, it was a bad decision. I wanted to get back at you for that photo Byounggon posted. I thought you made him post it to make me jealous and-”

“Wait make you jealous? I don’t understand” you cut him off.

“I thought you were trying to make me feel bad for leaving the boardwalk early, so I was upset with the post,” Hyunsuk said quietly.

“You know I’d never do something like that Sukkie, you’re an idiot for thinking I would do that to you. Also, Byounggon would never agree to that” you said.

“I know, and I’m truly sorry for assuming the worst,” Hyunsuk said sadly.

“But can you tell me why you left the boardwalk? You seemed fine at first, none of us understood why you left,” You said. He clearly didn’t want to tell you, but you begged him.

“Please, Sukkie, be honest with me. You’re my best friend, you can tell me anything” you said.

“I just…don’t want to ruin our friendship,” he said. Your stomach dropped when hearing those words.

“You won’t, I pinky swear. You can tell me anything. Please?” You pleaded with him.

“Ok fine...it was because of you,” he said bluntly.

“Because of me? Was I being annoying?” you asked, your feelings hurt. You could feel the tears in your eyes forming again.

“No, you weren’t being annoying at all. This is so hard for me to explain, Y/N. I left because…I liked your outfit a lot. I liked your outfit too much, if you get what I’m saying. I got…um…excited,” He said while looking down, slightly embarrassed by his choice of words.

“Oh…OH!” You exclaimed as the realization hit you.

“Will you relax?” He said, already feeling slightly humiliated.

“I just want you to know i’m not judging you Hyunsuk, sometimes we can’t control how we feel and I didn’t mean to make you feel that way” you said, stuttering like crazy. But secretly, you did. You knew what you were doing when you put that outfit on, and now you’re feeling some form of satisfaction knowing you got a rise out of Hyunsuk.

“It’s ok, you can’t help how sexy you are,” Hyunsuk said. Your mouth hung open, you couldn’t believe your best friend just called you sexy. You turned to face him, the moonlight casting the perfect lighting onto his already flawless face. At this moment, his lips have never looked so kissable to you before.

He turned to look at you too, and it was like a switch flipped. He was no longer afraid of ruining your friendship, he needed you more than anything at that moment. He closed the distance between you and pressed his soft lips against yours. You sighed of relief and closed your eyes, as you’ve been waiting for this moment for years. After a few seconds, you pulled away to look at him again.

“Sukkie, I-I don’t know what to say. I’m so happy right now” You said

“Y/N…I need you to know that I’ve loved you for years. I didn’t want to risk ruining our friendship by confessing prematurely. I wanted to make sure you liked me first, that’s why when Byounggon posted that photo it crushed me. I just wanted to have you to myself and I thought I lost you” Hyunsuk confessed.

“Hyunsuk, I love you too. I always have and I always will. You’re still my best friend no matter what, but I think I want to be more than just friends with you” You said. Hyunsuk smiled at you before leaning in to kiss you again. This time, however, it was a little more passionate. His tongue grazed your lips as you opened your mouth a little wider, allowing for his tongue to enter your mouth. He brought his hands up to your neck, pulling you even closer to him. He broke the kiss and started to trail down your neck. The sensation of his warm mouth on your sensitive skin sent shivers down your spine, and you wanted more. He returned to your mouth and you kissed him for a while longer before you noticed the growing bulge in his pants, and the growing heat in yours.

“Should we take this to the bedroom?” Hyunsuk whispered. You nodded and quickly stood up from the ground and grabbed the blanket, signaling for him to get off before you picked it up and folded it. You two then ran back to the house, hand in hand, anxious to be close together again.

Once you reached the bedroom it was as if every care you had in the world was gone. Hyunsuk shut the door behind him and you two were once again kissing, this time faster and more aggressive. He grabbed you by the waist and pushed your body against the wall. He yet again slipped his tongue in your mouth, which made you whimper. You grabbed him by the hair and somehow managed to pull him even closer than he already was.

His fingers found his way up your shirt, and he started to feel your breasts between the fabric of your bra. This action made you moan into his mouth. You couldn’t help but rock your hips against his due to his touch, and that’s when you noticed his hard on pressing against you. He pulled back from the kiss, a thin trail of saliva still connecting the two of you. He then picked you up and placed you on the bed in a seated position.

“I want to please you, tell me what you want me to do to you,” Hyunsuk said, looking down at you.

“Hyunsuk…please just touch me” you say desperately, clenching your legs together as you were slightly embarrassed about the wetness that has already accumulated for him.

“Just wait baby, I’ll get to that” he said. Hyunsuk decided he wanted to move as slow as possible to relish every moment he had with you.

He kneeled on the ground in front of you then slipped his fingers into the waistband of your shorts and slid them down your legs. You threw your shirt off for him as the material became unbearable in the heat of the moment. He looked you up and down, admiring your natural beauty that was displayed before him. He knew you couldn’t wait any longer for him, so he then put two fingers in your mouth and demanded for you to suck on them, to which you happily listened. This sight made him twitch with anticipation, as he couldn’t wait to make you feel good.

After his fingers were coated in your saliva he slowly entered one finger into your gaping hole that was just begging to be touched. The sound you made was unholy, as you whipped your head back from the instant pleasure. He easily slipped in the second finger because of how soaked you were, and he started working at a pace to stretch you in preparation for later. You became a moaning mess and fully fell backwards onto the bed as you couldn’t sit up anymore. As much as you wanted to watch him finger you, he was doing it so well that it made you almost pass out from bliss and you couldn’t help but throw your head back again. He rammed his fingers into your g-spot over and over again as you hissed out profanities from all the pleasure he was providing.

“You’re so fucking hot” Hyunsuk whispered before sticking his tongue out and circling it around your clit. He then started to move his fingers in and out of you faster while trying to work his tongue at the same speed. This caused you to start seeing white as it felt so amazing. You never realized Hyunsuk could make you cum by just his fingers, as no other man has ever come close to making you feel this good. You started to buck your hips against his working tongue, and you were on the verge of climaxing.

“Hyunsuk…I-I’m gonna…I might-”

Hyunsuk then pulled his fingers out abruptly, the brief absence of his touch made you feel empty. He didn’t want you to cum just yet. He stood up and then made you sit up.

“Before I continue, I need to know what it’s like to have your lips around my cock” he said. You didn’t even need to be asked twice. As soon as he said those words you lunged forward to unzip and pull his pants down. To your surprise, Hyunsuk was big. Bigger than you expected, but you didn’t care. You didn’t hesitate to put his dick in your mouth before beginning to suck on it.

He dug his fingers into your hair and pulled your head back to look up at him. You continued to go up and down on his length until you felt him begin to twitch. You started licking the tip and around the base until you felt him throbbing. He couldn’t take it anymore, he needed to fuck the shit out of you. Before you could finish sucking him off, Hyunsuk pushed you back to lay down before climbing on top of you.

“Is this ok baby?” He asked, lining his dick up by the entrance. The sudden nickname made you smile.

“Hyunsuk if you don’t fuck me right now I think I’m actually going to die” you said back. He chuckled a bit before starting to push his cock into your entrance. You moaned louder than expected at this, but you didn’t care. He was so big that it hurt you, and you’ve had sex before. Once he got it all the way in, the pain was quickly replaced by pleasure due to how turned on you were. He leaned down to capture your lips in a deep passionate kiss before beginning to thrust into you. He felt your walls clench as he moved his cock in and out of your slick folds, which only turned him on even more. You couldn’t help yourself and began to dig your nails deep into his back muscles creating bright red scratch marks.

“Y/N, ahhh…fuck…you’re so good…” He said between thrusts. You couldn’t believe you were making your best friend moan like this, but it brought you a lot of satisfaction. He continued to buck his hips into yours, moving faster and faster as he gently held your waist down onto the bed. He then started to slow down, and you whimpered as you wanted him to continue going at the fast pace. You didn’t want this moment to be over already.

“Can you flip around for me baby? I want to fuck you from behind” Hyunsuk said. You nodded at him and gladly turned over onto your stomach, your bare ass completely exposed to him.

“I know I said this already, but you are so sexy Y/N, '' Hyunsuk said as he placed his huge hands on your ass and gave it a light smack. He then pulled you back towards him by your hips and went to kneel behind you on the bed, positioning is cock yet again at your entrance. He wasted no time slipping it in this time, as you were already prepped. The sudden penetration made you yelp slightly.

“Are you okay darling, did I go too fast?” Hyunsuk asked, sounding worried.

“No it’s ok! I just didn’t expect it, but please keep going” You responded with desperation in your voice. He nodded and started to push deeper into you before pulling out and re-entering again. You could barely handle this motion as he was so large it made you weak. Hyunsuk then started a fast steady pace thrusting in and out of your hole that had you panting and yearning for more. Your walls started to clench even tighter as you could feel yourself yet again building up to your climax. You turned to look at him, and seeing him clenching his jaw while focusing on fucking you was all you needed to finish.

“Hyunsuk, I’m going to cum” you almost yelled. Hyunsuk was also close, he increased his speed and started to thrust extremely sloppy as all he wanted was for you and him to cum together. He leaned down and kissed you wherever his mouth could reach and you attempted to kiss him back, only grazing his lips with the corner of your mouth. Suddenly you couldn’t take it anymore, and your body trembled as the feeling of your orgasm overtook you. This sight made Hyunsuk thrust into you one last time before he finished inside you. The hot sensation of his cum made you feel weak, and when he fully pulled his cock out he left a small trail on the bed sheets.

You fell flat onto the bed to rest as Hyunsuk quickly went to the bathroom to grab a towel and clean you up. Once he returned he tried rubbing the cum out of the sheets, but only made it worse.

“Shit, sorry Y/N I meant to pull out and cum on your back but…I couldn’t help it” He said sheepishly. You chuckled at his ridiculous apology.

“It’s fine Sukkie, I appreciate the effort. Let’s just get some new bed sheets to sleep on…and we’ll hunt for some plan b tomorrow” You suggested, standing up and walking to the closet where you luckily found spare sheets to put on. After remaking the bed, your body felt so tired that you couldn’t even bring yourself to go to the bathroom to get ready to sleep. Instead, you plopped down onto your side of the bed. Hyunsuk followed and draped his arm around you, pulling you in closer towards his warm exposed chest. You rested your head on his side, as you couldn’t believe that just happened.

“So…is our friendship over?” Hyunsuk asked quietly.

“I think so,” You said, leaning up to kiss him quickly on the lips.

“I think we have a different kind of relationship now,”

You took his hand in yours. Hyunsuk had a huge grin on his face, he was so excited to start a new chapter in his life with you.

“Y/N, I would love for you to be my girlfriend. Of course, you’ll always be my best friend, but I think girlfriend is a more fitting title now” Hyunsuk said.

“And I would love for you to be my boyfriend” You said back. You threw your arm over his body as you snuggled in close to him, smelling his cologne as you took a deep breath and closed your eyes, ready for sleep to overtake you.

“I love you, Y/N” Hyunsuk said before shutting his eyes.

“I love you, Hyunsuk” You said back, drifting off to sleep in his arms.

THE END

30 notes · View notes

nightshadehoney · 1 year ago

Text

I never watched James Somerton's shitty Killing Stalking video because I was trying to be good to myself and avoid something that I knew would make me very angry. In fact, I never watched any of his stuff because the fact that he made a video like that was enough to discount any thing he ever had to say (also I heard about the Celluloid Closet plagiarism).

But man, is the James Somerton discourse bringing a lot of Killing Stalking-related feelings back up for me. Because I'm mad; I'm still so mad. There are a suprising amount of people on social media who are saying they never watched any of his stuff except for the Killing Stalking video. I'm annoyed not just to find out that the vid had that sort of reach and influence, but also because Somerton's unmasking hasn't seemed to make people reasses the validity of the kind of thing he was saying. People are just now being like "hmm I think this guy might have Issues With Women" but that doesn't warrant any reflection on what exactly the motivation is of people who complain about women enjoying a niche webcomic? Because I don't actually believe you're concerned about the influence of some obscure piece of media when you advertise its existence to your large audience many of whom had not heard of it and would never have heard of it but for your transparent outrage porn video. It's rage bait and the target was women that are perceived as straight. A big channel has publicized the fact that they excised a section that endorsed the opinions in this video from their own because they became aware of Somerton's plagiarism and dishonesty (presumably; if it was actually because they recognized his views were coming from a sexist place I would welcome a clarification). And you know, I don't think that's a good look actually. That you needed to be told he was a bad person and couldn't idependently put together that the misogynist man was saying misogynist things.

The comic ended years ago and the fandom has gone mostly quiet, but to this day people are still the peddling the"fujoshi/stupid teenage girls who don't know what's good for them are shipping these characters because they are too braindead to realize it's not a romance; it's a horror, two things I believe are mutually exclusive. I am smarter than all of these cringe degenerates" bullshit. It's in the comments of the hbomberguy video even; one comment was such a gross misrepresentation of the series that my friend needed to talk me down from getting into a pointless youtube comments argument (bless him) because these people are officially making me lose my marbles.

This narrative is full of shit, it's demonstrably not fucking true. You can go on the artist's twitter right now and its full of her retweeting shippy fanart of that pairing readers were apparently never intended to ship.

(I don't think Koogi knows or cares about James Somerton; she just reblogs the works of fans who tag her. This made me laugh though).

Now this is all speculation because he died decades before social media existed, but I think if Nabokov was alive today his twitter would not be full of Humbert Humbert x Dolores Haze fanart. And yet, I have unironically seen people compare shipping Sangwoo and Bum in Killing Stalking with the misreading of Lolita as a precocious sexual temptress more than once.

And this isn't me saying that Killing Stalking is the disgusting"pro-sexualized abuse" comic that tumblr purity police used to characterize it as either. One of these days I'm going to go truly bonkers and end up banging pots and pans on the street corner, yelling at random innocent passerbys about how stories about romantic and sexual relationships are not required to be Hallmark movies. You can make art about the negative, dark, and troubling parts of these feelings and relationships without creating a pat morality tale. You don't need to approach media analysis like your 7th grade teacher has assigned you an essay on explaining what a novel's "message" is.

Nobody, not the author and not the fans, genuinely thinks that Sangwoo and Bum have a healthy or aspirational relationship. This hypothetical person that does not understand the relationship is toxic doesn't exist. Because girls and women, even the ones having cringey fandom fun on tiktok or whatever, are not so stupid and naive that they are unware that breaking someone's legs and locking them in a muder basement is bad. The type of concern troll rhetoric Somerton employed in his video is directed near exclusively at women interested in men and there's a reason for this. Women are not responsible for abuse that men do to them; nobody is responsible for their partner abusing them. If I never saw people spit this bullshit again it would be too soon.

#this is not usually the kind of post I make here because I really try to make this tumblr a positive mental space for me but ffs #james somerton #killing stalking

57 notes · View notes

vaspider · 1 year ago

Note

Hi Spider

I just reblogged a post thread discussing slurs and the reclamation of such from you, because I agree with what everyone there is saying about curating your own experience and how to deal with trauma triggers in real life as opposed to online etcetcetc But there was one teensy tiny part of your addition to that thread that has me feeling some things and.. I dunno. I guess I'm trying to figure out if saying something about it at all is a dick move? I know it would be derailing to saying anything on the thread itself, which I absolutely don't want to do. But I genuinely don't know if my initial instinct/thought of 'man I wish people would choose their words more carefully' is the kind of thing I should just think to myself and sigh and move on or if it would be good or worthwhile in any way to point this out:

Not all of us have trauma associated with being queer. And I've always felt a bit like an outsider because so much of the queer stories I've seen until fairly recently had been coming out stories that either involve a lot of conflict or at least anticipate conflict in the lead up (or were like Brokeback and involved a lot of violence even with people being closeted), but I can usually shrug that off because those stories have never felt like they're trying to say everyone's experiences are a certain way. They're stories about individuals and sometimes one individual's story won't resonate with another and that's fine. But you specifically said that all of us have trauma and I know it's ridiculous especially given the subject of the thread but it just made me very sad. And then mad at myself for being sad over such a small thing. And then just genuinely unsure whether this was just an 'i need to feel my feelings and move on' situation or a situation where I should say something.

Apologies for the length.. but thank you for reading.

The number of people in the queer community who weren't traumatized about being queer is so small as to be a rounding error. Maybe someday that won't be the case, but it is now. And it is, yes, kind of strange to come into the inbox of someone who has talked openly about being repeatedly emotionally abused, religiously abused, and physically and sexually assaulted for being queer (and who has -- because of this -- been a sort of community conduit for people processing and recovering from their trauma) to complain about feeling left out because you're the exception that proves the rule.

Like, congrats. I'm genuinely happy for you. Maybe someday everybody will be like you. It is my most dearly-held hope that this will be the case.

Next time maybe, yes, just feel your feelings and move on if you're the lucky rounding error, rather than essentially asking someone who's been openly living their survivorship to comfort you about ... feeling left out when we talk about that trauma and its effects on the community.

#queer issues #queer community trauma

123 notes · View notes

simply-smitten · 8 months ago

Text

Smitten Master Post!

About me - my socials - my fics

About me~

She/her pronouns

26 with a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s degree in social work

Mcyt is my first/only fandom

I primarily write DNF and Karlnap, but I do have a few multiship thread fics on my 18+ NSFW twitter :)

My boundaries: do not interact with my NSFW content if you’re a minor, do not supply my NSFW content to minors, and do not repost my work whatsoever (only exception is to translate it, but please contact me first to get permission)

My socials~

Ao3: simplysmitten

Main twitter: simplysmitten_

Alt twitter: simplysosmitten

NSFW twitter: simplysmutten (must be 18+ with your age in your bio)

Wattpad: simplysmitten

My fics~

Thread fics - Separated by ship (dnf, karlnap, snf, dnn, dnkn), NSFW threads have a warning in red and are posted to my 18+ twitter (simplysmutten), SFW threads that were turned into chapters of “Between Friends” have the Ao3 and Wattpad links, and NSFW threads that were turned into works for my “Beyond Friends” series have the Ao3 link.

Karlnap fics~

Because You Are Love (rated T, 140k, 61/61 chapters)

Summary: Sapnap grew up in Texas, a state where being gay just wasn't something you were allowed to talk about- so he didn't. He never came out to his family and even when he made new friends who loved him unconditionally, he still couldn't bring himself to come out. Staying in the closet never felt like a problem once he moved to Florida with Dream, well, until a video collaboration introduced him to a boy that made him question if he could keep hiding. Now, Sapnap has to return to Texas for the first time since his move to Florida for his step-sister's birthday. What's waiting for him when he arrives is going to make keeping his sexuality a secret from his family that much harder.

(i’m worried) it will always be you (rated E, 120k, 20/20 chapters)

Summary: College AU. Sapnap, a notoriously sullen computer science major, is attending North Carolina State University, along with his roommate and long-time internet friend, Dream. While Dream has been pining over the pretty British boy in a couple of his classes, Sapnap finds himself having a much harder time avoiding a certain gray-eyed ray of sunshine.

*Story is not told chronologically. Chapters will vary from Freshman year (2015-2016 school year) to Senior year (2018-2019 school year). Chapters will be dated at the top to avoid confusion. Also, for reference, 'present day' is spring semester of senior year.*

Your Telephone Calls are my Favorite Place (rated T, 100k, 62/62 chapters)

Summary: Karl is finding it more and more difficult to hide his feelings for his best friend, Sapnap. He's willing to risk it all for his chance at love, but does he really understanding just how much he's risking?

DNF fics~

Please Let Me Go (rated M, 75k, 14/14 chapters)

Summary: Dream finds himself in an introverts worst nightmare when Sapnap convinces him to host seven of their close friends for Sapnap's 21st birthday. The only thing holding Dream together was knowing he could finally meet his best friend, George, in person. However, the person who stepped off the plane felt like a complete stranger to Dream- an unrecognizable personality inhabiting the body of the person he thought he knew better than anyone in this world. Years of online friendship had built up this moment for him, only to come crashing down when George wasn't the man he thought he was.

Between Friends (rated T, 110k and counting, oneshot collection)

Summary: A collection of fluffy DNF oneshots. Each chapter is its own completed story (aside from ‘Halloween-Thanksgiving-Christmas’ and ‘Homesick-London-Cafe’). Most oneshots are canon adjacent, and so far two are AUs. Primarily takes place around the time of the meet-up.

All paths lead to you (rated T, 30k, oneshot)

Summary: When George is stressed, he has nightmares, and when George has nightmares, he sleepwalks. In a subconscious search for relief, George sleepwalks to the safest place he can find- Dream's room. Dream finds out more than he bargained for when trying to decode George's nonsensical sleep-talking, but he struggles to make conscious-George as comforted by his presence as unconscious-George.

‘Idiot’ means ‘I love you’ in Floridian (rated T, 20k, oneshot)

Summary: Model-George x bodyguard-Dream AU. George has been working as a model for a few years now. His father, a higher up in the English government, insists that George has a bodyguard with him at all times. As an act of defiance, George makes a point to sneak away from his bodyguards to prove to his father they're useless and he doesn't need one. Desperate to find a bodyguard that can actually keep track of his son, George's father hires a bodyguard from a different background- a masked man named Dream. For once, George isn't so eager to get this bodyguard fired.

The Colors We Don’t See (rated T, 7k, oneshot)

Summary: Soulmate AU. Soulmates are predetermined, but that never held Dream back from loving George. When George is finally able to move to Florida, the first thing Dream notices is the way his laugh bounces more clearly than ever before. The second thing he notices is the bright yellow aura surrounding him, like George had stolen the sun out of the sky and placed it in his heart instead. George is his soulmate, that much is clear, but trouble arises when George can't see Dream's aura in return.

Live, Laugh, (Blood)Lust (rated T, 6k, oneshot)

Summary: Vampire-George x wizard-Dream AU. George doesn’t believe bloodlust is real, so Dream offers to put a love spell on him to prove him wrong… but he’s not the best wizardry student.

The Remedy to Everything (rated E, 196k, 50/50 chapters)

Summary: After nearly a year of waiting for his visa, George is finally allowed to go home. Home, meaning a house in Florida that was already inhabited by his two best friends, Dream and Sapnap. Being an omega, George feared what trouble moving in with two alphas could potentially create. He never expected that trouble would come in the form of soft curls and green eyes, sparking something irreversible inside himself.

First Love / Late Fall (rated E, 13k, 3/3 chapters)

Summary: George has been going down a dark path for a while, carelessly using people in order to satisfy selfish needs. He hides who he is from his friends who only know him via the internet. This double life becomes a lot more challenging when someone shows up on his doorstep in the middle of the night. Could this be the event that triggers George to change?

It Takes Two to Edge (rated E, 7k, oneshot, part 1 of Beyond Friends)

Summary: Dream and George are in a fwb (... plus feelings) type of situation. After their edging session gets interrupted, George rewards Dream with the promise of fulfilling his breeding kink for the first time.

my honey, my moon (rated E, 20k, oneshot, part 2 of Beyond Friends)

Summary: Dream and George go on fake honeymoons, indulging each other in everything they miss about relationships. Then things change when Dream actually gets a girlfriend.

bet your ass i’m right (rated E, 12k, oneshot, part 3 of Beyond Friends)

Summary: Dream and George like to make bets, even over the dumbest of things. The stakes get higher when they start to wager sexual favors.

More Convenient (An Arrangement of Sorts) (rated E, 8k, oneshot, part 4 of Beyond Friends)

Summary: Dream can't get off without having a partner to please, but luckily for him, George just moved to America. (also they are idiots in love they are so dumb and so in love but not in an angsty way just a "they're so stupid" way)

GeorgeNotFound OnlyFans (rated E, 37k, 5/5 chapters, part 5 of Beyond Friends)

Summary: Fresh out of university and struggling to land a job in his field, George finds himself desperate for a way to make ends meet. While his friends have big dreams of blowing up on YouTube, George decides to make an OnlyFans profile. Shockingly, George goes viral on both platforms, making his money troubles a thing of the past, but maintaining his anonymity a constant worry. How funny is it that he manages to make a friend named Clay on both platforms?

Warm, like Starlight (rated E, 53k, 2/2 chapters, part 6 of Beyond Friends)

Summary: Humans are banned from touching other species in the galaxy, but George, a cat-hybrid, takes a leap of faith and lets the human aboard his ship, Dream, pet him. It awakens a side of George he’s desperate to satisfy, and Dream is more than willing to meet all of George’s needs.

Extra-Circadian Activities (rated E, 12.4k, 3/3 chapters, part 7 of Beyond Friends)

Summary: George had never grown out of the 'wet dreams' phase in life. He'd learned how to navigate it- never sharing a bed, no sleepovers, not falling asleep around other people for more than a quick nap, etc.- but then Dream had to go and derail his plans. Between the flirting, the touching, the kissing- it made George want to do something stupid... Stupid, as in tell Dream all his fantasies about being touched in his sleep. After George's innocent nap in the living room went on for a little too long, Dream got more than he bargained for when he let George use him as a pillow.

(A dnf love story of truly finding the match to your freak)

Use me or Lose me (Beg for it) (rated E, 16.4k, 1/1 chapters, part 8 of Beyond Friends)

Summary: After Dream's most recent fling fizzles out, he's left pent up and searching for relief. George finds himself in the unforeseen position of being the center of Dream's desire- a desire that he's so desperate to fulfill, he's willing to beg for it. Pathetic eyes and frantic pleas for George to be his sex toy for one night open a can of worms in George's mind. But it'll just be this once... right?

high risk, high reward (rated E, 20.2k, 1/1 chapters, part 9 of Beyond Friends)

Summary: George can't come. Okay, he can, but it takes him a ridiculous amount of time to reach his climax. Dream pokes fun at George about it until he goes a little too far, which leaves him scrambling to make it up to him. What starts as spit-balling ideas to solve the issue unintentionally turns into Dream claiming that if he gave George head, he'd come within a designated timeframe. His off-handed comment grows into a full-fledged bet.

Three tries, a thirty-minute time limit, and instructions to pull out all the stops.

The Dream Method™ (rated E, 27.2k, 1/1 chapters, part 10 of Beyond friends)

Summary: The last thing George would have considered himself was a voyeur…

Yet, he had found himself in quite the compromising position.

George had always known that Dream was a person who took creative liberties when it came to his art. What George didn't know was that Dream could transform something as simple as jerking off into a talent.

---

The trials and tribulations of George's self-discovery to being a bottom.

Happy reading!

<3 smitten

#pinned #smitten fics #please go easy on me I’m still new here

22 notes · View notes

listen-to-m-e · 27 days ago

Note

hey, I'm sorry if this is gonna come across as a really weird thing to say but I just had to get it off my chest. (Sorry, this is going to be long but its really important to me)

I'm a 25 year old closeted gay man living in London, and I grew up in a very strict religious household. Because of my surroundings, I grew up full of repression and guilt about my sexuality. It was only last year when I was able to even say "im gay" out loud, and it wasn't even to anyone in particular, just to myself. It's been really, really hard. No one even knows except for a few mutuals and now, I suppose, you.

I didn't have the courage to explore that side of my sexuality until a couple years ago, when I came across audio porn and your blog in particular. Before that, I rarely touched myself. I would masturbate, and every time I would think about men I stopped. I even tried watching porn with women in it and I never once came. It was awful, and painful, and depressing.

But when I came across your blog, I decided to give in. I masturbated for HOURS listening to your pretty little moans and I had the best orgasms I've ever had in my life. I even bought sex toys and hid them under my mattress. I explored more and more and came harder and harder until one night a few days ago i literally passed out listening to you. It was pretty embarrassing, actually... my girlfriend found me the next morning completely naked with a dildo up my ass, my dick in my hands and our bed covered in cum. That's another thing... my girlfriend. I was sure she was gonna break up with me when she saw that dildo up my ass, but she just pretended it never happened and that it meant nothing.

And we continue to have sex. And it's still painful, and disgusting and awful. But the fact that I can turn off my brain and imagine you while I fuck her is so so helpful. I think about you every time i fuck her. I imagine being on top of you, telling you what a good boy you are, I imagine you fucking me and using me like a toy. I imagine your voice. Holy shit, your voice.

Thats it. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance to explore my sexuality, have the most mind blowing orgasms, and making sex with my girlfriend a bit less awful.

❤️❤️❤️ sorry this was so long.

Thank you so much for sending this and for getting it off your chest. I'm so glad my audios can help your situation even a little bit 🥺

But also this is so sad and I hope you can get out of there one day and be able to be yourself 😕

Also I don't wanna put you in any danger so please let me know if I should delete this 🙏

10 notes · View notes

oursidae · 10 months ago

Text

IF YOU INSIST

takes your hands. come on this journey with me. for reference i consider kiryu to be exclusively gay but i feel like a lot of this except one bit also applies when reading him through a bisexual lens also <3 come listen to me talk about the way kiryu touches himself and how it changes throughout his life <3

i think when he was in his 20s he was a hedonist, far less so than nishiki but still, basically a frat boy, a horny 20 yr old. i dont imagine him having any actual sex partners during this time, in fact i think he's a virgin well into his middle age at Least. so he jacked off a lot. usually into his fist. i can see him making a fleshlight with 2 wet sponges and a cup. sometimes he got brave and touched his ass but felt so ashamed of it the days after he would be jumpy around nishiki and any other yakuza. (real yakuza cant like men...camera zooms in on kashiwagi) tldr hes so closeted and has so much internal homophobia it leeches into how he pleasures himself and knowing he might like sex in "unorthodox" ways is frightening in ways he doesnt super understand. ofc over the events of 0 he has bigger things to worry about but 0 is when i think kiryu's attraction to men comes to the forefront, through tachibana. (and also pocket circuit fighter.)

then, he goes to jail for 10 years. i think this period severely stunts him, because we know kiryu loves to just compartmentalize and shove all of the scary feelings down so he can just keep ignoring them, and being an invisible inmate makes that so much easier. any self pleasure he does during and immediately after this time is quick, utilitarian. dry and chafing just getting it over with, you know? any emotion attached to the act is a distant staticky buzz in the back of his mind.

of course im a kazumaji truther so during yakuza 1/kiwami, majima introduces to him a new level of sexual frustration that leads to him exploring pain and masochism by himself. majima doesnt *give* him this fetish, so much as he just opened the locked door to it. he digs his fingers into the cuts and bruises majima leaves on him and turns the shower water up until its scalding because if he didnt do this in the shower he'd pass out after with dried cum on himself. i think his feelings toward majima during this time are frightening spaghetti to him - something im sure irritates majima to no end, majima in my mind is far more assured of himself and who he is and his own sexuality and attraction to other men - and i dont think that kiryu does much in the way of exploration around this time aside from the odd burst of confidence (we were robbed by the banana bar substory.) he might try to touch his ass again here and there but theres still that twist of shame that he cant quite shake. i dont know when exactly i hc him entering a relationship with majima, if at All (i love the angst), but if he is having sex with majima at this time i think that relationship kicks his Growth into overdrive and he overcomes those hurdles a lot easier.

shame, i think, holds kiryu back a lot, because if he is this way, he isnt what is expected of him. if that makes sense. kiryu is supposed to shoulder it all alone and keep the tojo clan from sinking and there isnt room in that power fantasy for taking it up the ass and finding comfort in another mans arms, because this series is rife with toxic masculinity and commentary on it here and there.

on theme with burying his feelings and how peoples expectations of him affect him, kiryu in 2/kiwami 2 is DEEPLY SUICIDAL. like the whole game. if you havent noticed. kiwami 2 is one of my least favorite games of the series so this may color my judgment here a little. i think both kiryu and kaoru were experiencing comphet as their relationship progressed, especially the weird makeout next to her brothers corpse. you do weird things under stress, adrenaline, and trauma, and thats what i chalk this part of the game up to. i dont see him engaging in much, if any, self loving around this time period because of his severe depression, ptsd, and deep desire to end it all. if he does its in the "i might as well" way, or just to make time pass. he might even engage in it in a compulsory way, because he knows he'll feel a little better by the end bc orgasming does that, but its literally just for that purpose, not to Feel Good in a sexual way. just to hurry up and crank one out in the shower so he can get it together enough to get haruka to school.

kiryu has growing to do when he starts raising children and does his best to let go of any predjudices he has, but i think he still struggles with his own attraction to men. he never ever would teach his kids anything but to be kind, even if they find something odd. but he cant afford that kindness to himself. when i was in elementary school, i came home one day and told my mom "today i learned from my friend that gay is when boys like boys and that lesbian is when girls like girls :)" and then...that was that. she was like. "ah. okay... who said that to you? i see. did he say anything else about it?" and she didnt really push me to one conclusion about those facts. thats kind of how i see kiryu navigating some of these conversations. he'd steer them toward the kind option, if they needed it, but sometimes "yeah thats right. gay men are men who like men. lesbians are women who like women." is all you need, the confirmation that its real, and the neutrality that means yeah its fine.

and i think haruka is the most perceptive of kiryu bc of how they have grown together so like She Knows. if anyone puts the pieces together besides majima itd have to be her. and i think the conversation they one day (probably not around 3-era, unsure where i'd place this) have kind of also touches on harukas own bisexuality bc nothing abt what she did w that one girl she was friends with in 5 was hetero. 2 me. i wish I could be more coherent about this scene in my head, but i feel like its a conversation where a lot remains unsaid but is innately understood. they dance around the topic because saying it outright teeters on too much, but they know what theyre talking about. the love between them is unconditional.

anyway he doesnt have much time to masturbate when running the orphanage, but because he's busy with chores and taking care of a bunch of kids who he loves. plus thin walls. but hes gentler with himself when he does. maybe he starts foraying into men strictly in pornography, he's got magazines under the futon or looks up crusty jpegs on his phone or something. he lets go of some of the shame because he's found somewhere else where it feels right for him to be. he is so happy in okinawa it drives me crazy.

skipping over 4 bc he's still in okinawa for the majority of that game until saejima and company wash up on his beach and then he has to go back to kamurocho, during the events of 5 he is NOT touching himself. he hates himself so much in that game. he hardly showers. he lives with a woman and covers up her naked body when she strips in front of him. his boss is pointing out how gay everyone at his job thinks he is but insisting its okay but being clocked like that is a super specific punch to the gut that he wasnt really prepared for and really flusters him. for the most part i dont think his dick exists to him. he's sitting to pee. he hasnt gotten it up in months.

i blocked 6 from my memory for the most part except how kiryu in a baseball uniform makes my dick hard. haruka and yuta i think r bi4bis my girl deserves it.

post 6, he is not Kiryu Kazuma anymore, and despite the pain that comes from forced separation from his family, being a different person is so freeing. he gets to explore things. he gets to let his shoulders drop and relax for the first time since 2005. im playing thru gaiden right now and already dont remember all of the daidoji restrictions on him but by now he's pretty much fully realized himself and embraced his sexuality. he lets himself have his fantasies. he's become a bit of a hedonist like he was in his 20s with far more easy access to gay porn and sex toys. i know my man has a butt plug in his gay ass!!! i love bottom kiryu. have i ever said how much i love bottom kiryu. i think he has nights where he puts on a porn video and treats himself. i think he has some drinks and a cigarette and fingers himself and plays with his balls and teases himself until his orgasm sneaks up on him. and then he takes a shower and goes to sleep in his underwear. is he completely healthy? absolutely not. his self sacrificial streak and need to bear all of the pain by himself is why he's here. he still has unaddressed severe trauma and depression. but he can fingerfuck himself and watch gay porn without his stomach churning over the fact that he actually wants this, so progress is progress.

i need to stress. i started thinking about all this. because i put kiryu in this outfit

and thought about him putting on dark plum colored lipstick and looking at himself in the mirror and smudging it a little and getting so hard that he gets lightheaded and immediately needing to jack off about it. i would say im going to write that fic but i know i wont.

#yakuza #kiryu kazuma #kazuma kiryu #character analysis #my post #this is so incoherent. i copypasted a lot of it from when i was infodumpijg at my bf about kiryu wanking

20 notes · View notes

qweerhet · 2 years ago

Text

i think most feminist gender theory is woefully behind the material reality of trans people’s lived experiences these days. like, no matter how much we try to retrofit “men as oppressor class, women as oppressed class” to be trans-affirming, it still doesn’t map to the material experiences of nonbinary, non-passing, gnc, and genderqueer trans people.

like... i’m thinking about how i’m subject to social transmisogyny, personally. and it doesn’t matter that i’m not a trans woman. people see “facial hair, deep voice pulled into a nasally falsetto, dark body hair, broad shoulders, shows off tits, wears dresses, uses she/her sometimes” and put me in the Pervert/Freak/Gender Outcast/Failed Man categories and interact with me as such. like, materially speaking, i think if i did start going solely by she/her and referring to myself as a woman, my social experience wouldn’t change all that much.

people would still over-criticize every behavior i display. they would still view me as a threat to women and view my actions through that lens accordingly. they would still view my existence as sexual, and interact with otherwise pretty typical behaviors as if they were displays of my personal fetishes. they would still only conditionally accept me insofar as my behavior acquiesced to patriarchal ideals of what womanhood is (regardless of how allegedly feminist the space supposedly is). like, all the transmisogyny i could possibly be a target for, i already am. my innate identity shifting to “trans woman” wouldn’t add anything to my material experience that i’m not already living.

now, allegedly, radical feminism is supposed to address this failing of mainstream feminist discourse by boiling gendered privilege down to solely sex characteristics, but the thing is, i don’t think that radical feminists have a good framework to address this, either. sex characteristics are fluid and read differently in different cultural contexts. not even getting into how, regardless of presentation, internal identity does have an effect on someone’s experience with gendered privilege and oppression. a closeted trans person is having a markedly more disprivileged experience than a cis person of their agab, just by virtue of constant paranoia and vigilance, possible strong dysphoria and all of its associated health risks, and the high probability of them experiencing frequent background-noise transphobia that’s preventing them from coming out in the first place.

so like... no, shifting entirely to a presentation-based yardstick by which to measure oppression isn’t materially useful, either. but the current feminist discourse ethos isn’t built to talk about men who have breasts and vaginas and solely use she/her. it isn’t built to talk about people who are simultaneously straight men and lesbians at the same time. it doesn’t allow us to take seriously and mark as significant the experiences of intersex amab trans men, of nonbinary people who have simultaneously male and female identities, of agender people who have no gender whatsoever while presenting in a gendered way.

under how we currently talk about feminism and gendered oppression and privilege, these experiences are treated as outliers that we don’t need to change the rhetorical framework to include explicitly; there is a ruleset, and these experiences simply fall outside of the ruleset. but the thing is, trans people need a way to talk about gendered privilege and oppression and misogyny and the patriarchy because those are the core of our oppression. it isn’t enough to talk about ourselves like we’re outliers and exceptions to the rule; our fundamental class struggle is based on the patriarchy and the things that feminism is laid out to address in the first place. if the current discursive space carved out for feminist rhetoric isn’t addressing our material lived experiences, that is a problem with those discursive spaces, not with our experiences,

98 notes · View notes

slightlyhopefulromantic · 1 year ago

Note

Might be being a little greedy asking another monsters and mommies au question, but I'd love to hear more about Carol and her sexuality journey in this please ❤️

i am so sorry, it is 2:30 am (EDIT: kept getting distracted so its now 3:30 am-) so i am not gonna do a sketch for this HFJKGHKFDHK (for now! i might come back later and reward you with one <3)

but you know me. you've seen my frantic rambling <3 you know i would LOVE to talk about carol's sexuality journey in my au! i very much respect matt's decision to not commit to darryl having internalized homophobia/being closeted, especially considering that it started as a joke, etc. but. but! i am a lesbian and i simply cannot see either of the wilson parents as straight and so yeah, carol's B plot is realizing she is a lesbian

A LOT OF THIS IS GONNA BE FAMILIAR TO YOU ISADORA but i havent talked about it before on tumblr i dont think besides vague implications, so! lets dive in!

of the moms, carol has the most like. baggage, i guess? not necessarily tragic backstory-wise - morgan wins that by a landslide - but she has a lot of small individual things that she has to work through, as opposed to the other moms mostly having to work through one big thing each. carol has issues with emotional vulnerability. carol has issues with internalized misogyny. carol has issues with infidelity. carol has issues with repressed homosexuality. carol has issues with the way she was raised. shes got a lot going on! luckily, all of them are extreeemely tied up in each other, which i think helps to make it so she doesnt have too much compared to the other moms? but it makes it a bit harder to pick out just one thing to talk about LMAO

before the start of the story, carol is already struggling with the fact that she feels like shes unfaithful to darryl because she is attracted, very very badly, to her secretary at work. she also is struggling with the fact that said secretary is a young woman. she never cheats on darryl (well. not in. the main au and definitely never before the forgotten realms-) but she still has severe catholic guilt about being attracted to other people at all. this guilt is pushed muuuch much hard once shes around mercedes and samantha all the time, because she is. painfully. attracted to them. mercedes especially, because mercedes very much encourages carol's attraction to her while sammy is more normal about it. samantha is convinced that carol could fix her marriage, while mercedes is going "dump him! join my polycule!" LMAO

this plotline is, mostly, tied up in carol's emotional vulnerability plotline, as thats her main plot! she has the same arc that darryl does, since theyre veeery similar characters (carol is more ruthless/less emotional internally than he is, but thats just about the only difference i cut between them). so, carol's arc with grant follows the same course as darryl's, except the yeet bigly thing goes. a little bit better! lol. grant is still rejected by yeet, and returns to the locker room very upset about it, etc etc. when carol gets around to talking to him, in contrast to darryl's conversation with grant about frank's death, carol instead talks to grant about the difficulties of being gay and how it can be really hard to be true to yourself.

SHOUT OUT TO @aximili FOR THIS BTW he talked to me about carol for a bit and it put some wind in my sails for the direction that this conversation goes LMAO

I AM a believer in grant coming out before the forgotten realms. however, i waver back and forth a lot on if thats true for this au specifically, because i do like the parallel plot of carol realizing that her son is gay at the same time that she is coming around to her own self-realization. regardless, either way, carol starts the conversation very much focusing on grant, focusing only on his feelings, etc. shes very stiff about it and, eventually, apologizes to grant and tells him that she really hopes that her actions dont make him feel like he has to repress his own homosexuality. grant is a smart little guy, and also sees the way that carol talks to her friends hbghjgbdhjfb and pretty much picks up right away that oh. oh. this is about my mother just as it is about me. he awkwardly prods her about it and for the first time in his life, grant sees his mom cry. he cries too, and they hug, and its emotional, but its good. its healing!

carol gets divorced from darryl post-s1. carol, mercedes and samantha form a silly little polycule. grant, terry jr, and lark all have to either make new friends or compete for nicholas's love because theyre suddenly all sort-of-brothers. nicholas has a crush on their lesbian sister instead and that completely kills their codependent little dating pool. all is good in the world <3 ("the twins literally caused the apocalypse-" all is good in the world <3)

#monsters and mommies au

22 notes · View notes

ssszlami · 2 years ago

Text

Harry Potter characters as things my friends have said except there's way too many characters

Yes, we write down funny things we say, no that's not weird

Harry: “I wanna jump out a castle window but like not die”

Ron: “WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING???”

Hermione: “It’s feminine to write a paragraph”

Neville: “Lore update: I’m confused as hell.”

Luna: “Hey I can’t come to the party on Friday night, I just bought a bunch of cows and I gotta chill with them.”

Ginny: “I feel like you’re only dating me for my brother.”

Draco: “My chat is in it’s gaslight era”

Dean: “This is a lot like a cult for a Christian movie”

Seamus: “Agility: Setting things on fire and watching it explode... but in different directions.”

Dumbledore: “No one here has committed any crimes, and if you have, they were funny crimes, so it’s fine”

McGonagall: “When u get to the exam its not gonna be helpful that you spent your lessons drinking gatorade and eating donuts”

Snape: “If you’re going to traumatise children at least make it aesthetic”

Sirius: “I’m so alpha that the men around me change their sexuality to accomodate for me”

Remus: “I have four lines of self-hate for you”

Lily: “The milfs in my bag”

James: “No beta we die like parental figures”

Molly: “Goodnight offspring.”

Arthur: “How often a day do you reckon your car gets a boner?”

Fred: “Love. Truth. Bodacious Booty.”

George: "In this world, it's either meme or be memed. In my case it's both."

Percy: “It is boring! But.....we like boring.”

Bill: “Sometimes you gotta ruin the vibe for the greater good”

Charlie: "Close your face nipples and think about dragons"

Oliver: “I’m a white man, we always win! Except at sports….except at hockey”

Hagrid: “You can't say fuck you to the dog!”

Lavender: “Not all women want to kiss women. I know, that one was a hard pill for me to swallow”

Parvati: “There is no girl on earth who is so straight she wouldn’t love having another pair of boobs around”

Padma: “Nobody likes princesses!! They’re white bitches who weren’t loved enough as children”

Crabbe: “Pancake....buttplug……pancake…….buttplug”

Goyle: *grunt* “Yes I just farted.”

Cho: “I was like ‘whatever’. Wait no I was really sad”

Cedric: “I just thumbs-upped the roof down”

Krum: “*completely monotone voice* but wait there’s more”

Fleur: “Sexism is bad. Kill everyone.”

Tonks: “Gotta go to the bathroom to change my gender real quick”

Moody: “This is not a time for sassy comebacks, this is a time for SURVIVAL!”

Lockhart: “Because I look cute it’s all my fault. Thats how that works apparently.”

Umbridge: “Oh my god it’s me! Shiny trash!”

Voldemort: “Sorry I’m holding your parents hostage and killing you but your parents can’t hear your screams of terror because they can’t hear you right now”

Bellatrix: “YOU GOTTA KILL SOME CHILDREN TO GET TO YOUR TRUE LOVE”

Lucius: “Have you started another cult?”

Narcissa: “Your son is okay” *sobs and cries*

Kingsley: “I haven’t laughed since 1972.”

Peter: “So, you’re on the floor spooning the rat”

Slughorn: “*loud chewing noises* Wow I hate myself”

Mundungus: “My voice cracked on the crack and im on crack”

Dobby: “I took my ugg boots off for that.”

Winky: “Is she gonna kill me? I’m very excited.”

Kreacher: “It’s just war miss it’s not upsetting at all”

Myrtle: “I went to the toilet and I see like the toilet seat around her neck”

Trelawney: “Teaching pigeons to be art connoisseurs”

Filch: “He’s like a really sticky person!”

Dudley: “Screw you I just want stuff”

Petunia: “Is there a reason you’re interrupting me mid-soup?”

Vernon: “So he’s mad” “Yeah he’s cranky” “No like insane”

Pansy: “I don’t hurt them I just legally stab them”

Lee: “Bro that’s rather cringe”

Quirell: “I don’t need an exorcism” “That’s exactly what somebody who needs a exorcism would say”

Amos: “I’m one of the last old white boys”

Karkaroff: “Terrible behaviour…. ur in denial my guy”

Xenophilius: “EVERY JOB IS A GOVERNMENT JOB, AND I DONT KNOW WHO THE PRIME MINISTER IS”

Greyback: “I… put my hand inside his chest…and ripped out his lungs”

Cormac: “Closeted homophobic”

Blaise: “He’s more attractive in a suit.” “ALL MEN ARE!”

Regulus: “Lucy it’s my turn to drown!!”

Aberforth: “ME? A member of the TEN COMMANDMENTS??"

Nearly Headless Nick: “Well, if you have to execute me… ok”

Marietta: “You can’t slay if you vape”

Mrs Figg: “Old lady woman man and his dog”

45 notes · View notes

khoicesbyk · 1 year ago

Text

The Royal Romance.

Forevermore.

A/N: this is the next chapter in the journey of my OTP. Follow along for the fun.

Rated: Mature (at times can and will be Explicit. I'll be sure to change the rating when and if that happens). | Contains sexual content and strong language. (You know? The usual. Y'all should be used to this from me by now 😁) | Bolded and/or italicized words are conversations and thoughts of the characters. | Main Characters: King Marquise Rys (LI) and Queen Shanelle Miller-Rys (MC) | All Characters and names: (except MC and original characters created by me and/or other authors [their characters have been mentioned and/or used in the story with their permission] ) are property of Pixelberry.

Current Word Count: 2,470 words. (may be slightly more or may be slightly less. Look, I stop counting after editing and re-editing and driving myself insane. 🤷🏾‍♀️)

If you’d like to be added to my tag list. Just reblog or dm me and I will gladly add you! 😁😘

This series is rated Mature and/or Explicit. It is NOT reading material that is safe for those under 18. Reader discretion is STRONGLY advised!

Tag List: @choicesficwriterscreations

Chapter 1.) The Next Chapter.

Forevermore. Forever’s a mighty long time and I really wanna spend it with you. I shine when you shine and there's really no substitute.

That hook was on repeat in Marquise’s mind as he got ready to start his day. They reminded him of Shanelle. Almost everything reminds him of her. Of their love and their journey through life together as husband and wife, King and Queen, and Mom and Dad.

The last seven years have had their ups, downs, highs, lows, trials and tribulations. But through it all, they have survived and persevered. Through it all, they have always made sure to show each other love, support, and encouragement.

In the wee hours of the morning, Marquise was up getting ready for his morning run.

5:30 am.

That’s the time the alarm on Marquise’s phone went off. After rolling over to silence his phone, he sat up, and with a yawn and a roll of his neck and shoulders, he was out of bed. After stretching he turns his attention to the woman in his bed. The one he calls his savior, his Goddess, his true north. The woman who captured his heart so long ago. His Queen.

Shanelle is everything that he could have ever hoped, dreamed, prayed, and wished for in a wife and mother. Every day that he spends with her as his and his alone is a day he continuously thanks God for.

He stood up as he watched her chest rise and fall as she slept soundly in their bed. He leaned over and moved a few stray strands of her hair from in front of her face.

“Good morning my love. I'll see you after I get back from my run.” He whispered to her before pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.

He quietly crept into his closet and changed into his workout clothes then grabbed his phone, AirPods, and Apple Watch before he left the main sleeping quarters where his wife slept and walked down the hall.

Being a reigning Monarch is an incredible honor and opportunity. But it's not without its dangers and exceedingly high expectations, pressures, and standards. Marquise and Shanelle have an obligation to Cordonia and especially to her people. And every day they both bear the weight of it all.

He walks until he comes to a door with a bright pink K on it. It’s his daughter’s bedroom. And right next door is the nursery where his boys are sleeping soundly.

The whole world changed the day Kylo Jeremiah and Zyon Shomari were born. Marquise’s perfect family of 3 turned into a perfect family of 5. And he couldn't be happier. His boys have given him a new focus and purpose.

Just outside the bedroom doors is a portrait that means more to him than all the literal gold in the family vault. It’s a portrait he took with his mother. Marquise ran a hand over the frame as he gazed at the portrait. It’s one of the most vivid memories he has of his mother when she was alive. He was 5 when she had the portrait commissioned. And sitting there to have it painted with her meant everything to him. He smiles wistfully at the painting before closing his eyes.

“Tu me manques tellement, ma mère. J'espère vous avoir rendu fier de Moi.”, he whispered in French as he leaned his head against the frame.

After staying for a few more seconds he stepped back then quietly opened Khari’s bedroom door. He carefully stepped into her room and stopped to look at his sleeping princess. She was curled up with her stuffed dragon Dagon and her kitten Paisley at her side. Ozzie and Belle slept diligently at the end of her bed. Seeing her sleeping soundly made his heart melt. Lightly tapping on his right thigh he woke up Ozzie.

“Wake up Oz! We gotta go!” He whispered to his favorite canine companion.

Ozzie slowly roused from his sleep and blinked sleepily then looked up at Marquise before slowly rising and stretching. He was careful not to wake his mate Belle or their puppies Lucky and Lady. With a shake of his head, Ozzie was at Marquise’s side.

“Good boy Oz! Now let’s go.”

Marquise then quietly opened the nursery door to check on his two littlest heartbeats. Ozzie’s two pups Lucky and Lady slept under each crib. As he looked at his sleeping Princes his heart did backflips. They were the most precious thing in the world to him. He ran a thumb over Kylo’s cheek the same way he did the first time he held him. It brought a tear to his eye. He still couldn't believe his sons are here and that they're real.

He checked on Zyon the same way before exiting the nursery.

He and Ozzie head out of the main bedroom wing and down the hall to the main staircase, where his majesty stops at a side table and grabs a leash for Ozzie before heading down the stairs and out the main entrance. When they walked out and across the lawn of the palace. When they got to the gate, Marquise put his AirPods in and took off with Ozzie for an early 10-mile morning run.

As his heart pumps during the run, his thoughts take him to the most recent events. Dueling with and eventually beating Drakovia in acquiring the kingdom of Gemmora. Reassigning and rezoning the newly acquired lands. As well as dealing with a small group of griping nobles. On top of everything else that comes with being a King of an entire kingdom.

And lately, he's begun to slowly and somewhat understand why his father ruled the way he did.

While they never got along while the elder Rys was alive, Marquise could understand why Constantine was so paranoid as King. He felt he couldn't trust anyone, much less those in his own court. He used to have strong diplomatic ties with several allied countries but that all changed after Queen Eleanor was killed. Constantine let his grief, anger, bitterness, and paranoia transform him into someone who cared for nothing but himself.

And the kingdom suffered. The people were ready to revolt for the first time in nearly three centuries. And as a King himself, Marquise understands some of why Connie acted the way he did as King. But he refuses to rule Cordonia that way.

7:15 am.

Marquise and Ozzie soon finish their run just as the sun begins to come up over the palace. Marquise stopped just to marvel at the sight before heading back inside.

After getting Ozzie settled, Marquise headed to his quarters where he found his wife trying to silence the alarm on her phone. He stood back quietly snickering to himself as he watched as she unsuccessfully hit her phone repeatedly.

He finally took pity on her and silenced her alarm. She briefly looked up at him with one eye open before turning over and burying herself in their covers.

“Now now! It's time to wake up my love.” he gently whispered in her ear.

She groaned into her pillow.

“It's time to get up.”

“I don't want to be an adult today!”

“You're not being an adult, my love. You’re being The Queen.”

“I don't want to do that either!” she pouted.

“Shanelle…” his tone was firm but gentle.

“Noooooooo…” she whined.

He shook his head at her.

“Have it your way…”

He stood up, grabbed the covers, and yanked them off of her causing her to bolt up in their bed.

“Just the way I like to see you.”

She glared at him before throwing a pillow at him.

“Jackass!” she sneered.

“Now is that any way for My Queen to behave?”

She let out a frustrated sigh.

“Of all the times for you to be a King…” she muttered as she crossed her arms.

He smirked as he held out his hand to help her out of bed. She gave him a side-eye before he helped her out of bed and into his arms.

“Ewwww! Get off of me!”

“What?”

“You're all sweaty.”

“I mean I just came back from my morning run,” he said with a shrug.

“Which means you haven't been in the shower! Yuck!”

He snickered as he tightened his arms around her.

“Gross!”

“You like it…” he whispered before nipping at the bottom of her right ear.

“Let me go!”

He buries his face into the crook of her neck.

“You need to go get in the shower! And so do I!”

He doesn't stop. Instead, he slides one hand down her back while the other stays in the center of her back. Doing so raised goosebumps on her skin, sent chills down her spine, and caused her back to slightly arch.

“Marquise!” she pouted.

He was thankful that she loved falling asleep in his old oversized Harvard t-shirt because it just barely covered the bottom of her ass.

“Let me go!”

“If I do that, you’ll start pouting again.” He whispered harshly in her ear.

She continued to squirm in his arms. It wasn't until he grabbed a handful of her ass that she finally put her foot down.

“Okay! Okay! Enough! We are not doing this! We need to go get in the shower before the munchkins wake up! Now!”

“Spoilsport…” he mutters.

“Oh shut the hell up!”

“At least you’re all hot and bothered and sweaty.”

Shanelle rolled her eyes and as she went to walk past him he slapped her on her ass causing her to let out a yelp.

“Hey! Easy on the merchandise! You break it, you’re buying me another Birkin!”

“I am not buying you another one of those overpriced handbags.”

She stalked off into the bathroom without another word. After taking a long hot, satisfying shower together, the Royal Couple were brushing their teeth when the King was feeling playful. He kept looking at his wife, who was giving him a side-eye.

“What?” she asked with her toothbrush hanging out of her mouth.

That's when he splashed her with water.

“What the hell?!”

“A marked improvement if I do say so myself.”

That's when she hit him in the arm.

“Did you just hit me?”

“You just threw water at me. What do you think?”

“That is a declaration of war!”

“So be it!”

With a smirk, he lunged at her with her barely getting out of the way. The two spent several minutes giggling with her dodging him. He finally caught her and hoisted her up onto his shoulders.

“Put me down!”

“Only if you ask nicely.”

“Marquise you put me down this instant!”

“Did you ask nicely?”

She started flailing over his shoulder.

“PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOWN!”

Try as she might, Shanelle couldn't get free.

“You know, your hair is still wet, how about a little spin dry?”

“MARQUISE DON’T YOU DARE!”

“And away we go!”

With that, he spun around with her over his shoulders. When he stopped both were breathless and laughing.

“You are such an asshole!” she said while laughing and trying to catch her breath.

“Made you laugh.”

She rolled her eyes with a smile.

“I hate you sometimes.”

“I love you too.”

He held her close and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“I gotta get ready and so do you.”

“Okay. May I escort you to your closet milady?” he asked, holding a hand out to her.

“I'd be honored, milord,” she replies.

They walked to her closet hand in hand. After getting ready first, His Majesty went to get their children ready but was beaten to the punch. Margo had already gotten Khari dressed.

“Good morning my King,” she said as she greeted him.

“Good morning Mom. What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at home resting from your latest round of treatments.”

Margo waved him off.

“I'm fine son. Besides, I am my grandchildren's attendant. It's my job to get them ready in the morning.

“Grammy helped me pick out my outfit for school today. See?” Khari said with a twirl.

“I see my love. You look beautiful.” Marquise says to his daughter before turning his attention back to his adopted mother, “You really should be resting Mom. Doctor's orders.”

“And again my son, I am fine.”

“You're walking with a cane. You’re not fine.”

Margo gave him a look he's become all too familiar with.

“Okay fine. But if your oldest son starts complaining about you still working again I'm not getting involved.”

Margo smiled warmly.

“Duly noted my love.”

“Now if you two lovely ladies will excuse me. I have two twins to get dressed.”

With a sweet kiss to both Margo and Khari, Marquise walked out of his daughter's room and into the nursery. His two little boys were already awake and playing with their toys.

“Good morning my little loves. Let's get you two ready for the day,” he said to them.

He individually got the boys ready. Taking time to talk to and sing to them. With them trying to clap and sing with him. After getting the boys ready and meeting Shanelle in the hallway, it was time for breakfast them to see Khari off to school.

“Bye Mommy!” Khari said as she hugged her mother.

“Bye, baby girl. Have a good day at school.”

“Bye Daddy! I love you!” she said to her Daddy.

“I love you too, my love. I'll see you later.”

Khari even said goodbye to her brothers.

“Bye, boys! I'll see you later!” she said as she waved at the twins who waved back as best they could.

“Are you ready my darling?” Margo asked Khari.

“Yup. I'm ready.”

“Come along now. Let's get you off to school.”

With that, Khari was out the door and on her way to school.

“And now my day starts,” Marquise says to his wife.

“Okay. I'll take these two mini ones and we’ll see you at lunch a little later.

“I'll see you all later.”

With a sweet kiss to his wife, Marquise was off to start his day as King. This became the new normal for the Royal Couple. On top of ruling a kingdom, they have children to raise. He rules the kingdom. She runs the family. Together they balance each other out. They love, support, and encourage each other.

As he walked to his office, Marquise found himself humming the hook that has been playing in his head all day.

“Forevermore. Forever’s a mighty long time and I really wanna spend it with you. I shine when you shine and there's really no substitute.”

Their journey like everything else in their life continues.

5 notes · View notes

feverinfeveroutfic · 1 year ago

Text

why it seems like i've been going slower lately

been meaning to elaborate on this but... eh, what're you going to do. i've been writing since i was a kid: literally, i wrote my first short story when i was six years old (so i am as old as time itself in comparison to this site). there are troughs and peaks with anything and everything that comes out of me, and writing is no exception. 2023 has been exhibit a of a trough for me (which was kind of my worry as 2022 was ending, like i’m going to have to hit the brakes at some point) and there’s a few reasons.

i'm not an alcoholic, but i come from a family that's been stricken by alcoholism and addiction. my dad's been in recovery nearly 10 years as of writing, and my mom hasn't used anything in about 7 years. though i don't have "the disease" (and the taste of alcohol makes me urp as well), i do have some inflictions of it: i get obsessed with things easily and i tend to put a lot of energy into something that i'm really obsessed with it, be it a book or a crush. writing has allow me to explore myself and what i love, as well as be an escape from the skeletons in my closet. at this point, it's sort of lost its luster. if i walk away from my laptop for a day or two, i come back refreshed, like i’m not dreading it or hating it.

with testament, anything alex touches, and the less-popular corners of the bay area, i'm always excited, which has never happened to me before in all my fannish ways, not even when i was hanging out with soundgarden and the grunge scene as they kind of me hanging in 2016. metallica wore me out after a while (though i'm still very much a fan and lars is still my dark knight) and anthrax gave me that totally lovely drama from the back half of 2020, even though i'm still more than happy to write about them and about joey in particular. however this comes with a price: i'm getting pulled in different directions. i've got my wips and tbh, i'm in no hurry to finish them, especially now that we have an income now after going most of the year without one and nearly losing our house as a result. it's for this reason i've often wondered if i have a.d.h.d. or if i'm neurodivergent. i like novelty. i like surprises. i like to be kept on my toes.

i have a long history with mental illness, financial trouble, and weight problems, as well as often extreme discomfort with my sexuality. at 18 years old, i was almost homeless. at 19 years old, i was suicidal and my eating disorder was at its worst. at 20 years old, i was suffering from extreme anxiety to the point it would keep me awake at night. this past summer, i was so worried about our losing the house, that i thought i was going to have a mental breakdown. also this past summer, at my heaviest weight ever of 268 pounds, i was starting to have problems with my circulation and my blood pressure. though i'm steadily getting healthier, and as of writing (11/21/23), i've lost nearly 50 pounds since july, i won't fully parse into it, but the one bugaboo that keeps haranguing me (and often to the point of wanting to rip myself apart) is my sexuality. look no further than this year's kinktober: i had to end it a little after halfway because i was getting humiliated. i would post for the day and no one on ao3 would read it... but oh, they would flock in droves to other writers who either can’t write worth shit (sorry, but someone needs to say it) or the kink involved either doesn't feel like kink because it's so commonplace or it just doesn't hit right, like it's not hot at all. it's like it's hot for the sake of being hot. plus, i literally hate the second person perspective now, the ____ x reader trope; speaking of commonplace. i remember doing a couple of those when i returned to fic, but it was back when it was fresh and unusual back in 2018 and 2019: now it seems like it's every other fic in existence. it's lonely as hell on my end, especially when you get a wide array of kinks involved. and it's unoriginal, too, like there's no creativity to be found whatsoever.

so, it's not the popularity of the trope that gets me: it's the fact that it's never written correctly and it's so one-note now, and more often than not, i just think, "god, why not just invent an original character?" i can literally put up with kinks i don't like unless it's written well, and this is never the case now. and it's so weird because ao3 has no algorithm and yet people treat it as such. when you share a kink with the world, the expectation is to have others step out of the shadows and relate to it and that's how you normalize it and get comfortable with it... at least that's how it works for me. so, that wasn't happening with kinktober this year and as a result, i took it out on myself (i got some serious beef with the metallica fandom again, too: "just when i thought i was out, they pull me right back in"). i started to question my future in any kind of writing now, because it seems like in 2023, original fiction is just fanfiction with the serial numbers filed off: yeah, so much for sharing originals anymore. is it even worth it in fic when i feel like such an island? *i mention mental health and weight because the three—should, anyways—go in sync with each other. in general, as i'm losing weight, my anxiety is disappearing, but mention anything sexual and it comes roaring right back again. i'm trying to make peace with the three. when you lose a ton of weight like i have—and i think i’m gonna keep going with it, too, my waist-to-hip and waist-to-height ratios are still high, plus i feel better after a good workout—it not only changes you physically but emotionally and mentally. there’s a lot of adjustment that goes into all of this.

i have other things i like to do. i'm an artist (say no to ai, please, i beg you: you're killing me here). with my weight loss, i have rediscovered my athletic ways. recently, i got into baking and cooking: don't know if i want to bother with pastry school or any kind of school in the future, especially with how much i really dislike our education system here in the states, but i'm into making bread and sweet stuff among other things, though.

baking is, i wouldn't say it's time consuming but it definitely takes time, especially if you're making bread: you have to make the dough, and you have to knead it enough to where it's smooth and elastic, and then you have to let it rest or "prove" for a couple of hours depending on the flour you use (4 hours, if it’s rye flour or oats or barley; overnight with spelt), and then you have to knock the air out of it and shape it and let it prove a second time for an hour or 90 minutes, and you really only bake it for a short time, like 25 minutes. i like to set aside a whole afternoon to make a loaf of bread or a cake or something. plus, the internet as a whole has gotten increasingly anti-art and treats everything as “content” rather than human expression and as just another trend (i give “free palestine” another couple of months maybe before the uneducated masses move onto the next trendy thing and the conflict over there persists because none of you “activists” are truly activists). corollary of this: no more quarantine. all the time in the world, yeah, i got quick and i was updating all the time. quarantine ended with the irreversible damage done to the world, i had to adapt.

i also just tend to write more when i go slower? i wrote that one shot from back in may, "porcelain" over the course of a few days and it clocked in at more than 8k. i wrote that merman!alex story last year over a few days and that came out at over 9k. i'm speaking as someone who participated in nanowrimo from 2018-2021 and then again this year (i sat out last year because i didn't feel like it): i write more, and i feel like i write better when i don't write every day now.

i’ve always been miss independent, anyway. it’s my strongpoint and my curse. writing, along with art, is a very lonely craft. even i, someone who enjoys her alone time, still get lonely at times.

i live in a cultural desert here in the california mountains. a piss poor art scene, there’s no music here (at least not anymore), the theater scene here comes and goes, and the one bakery we have here sucks. “don’t let them take you down, leave a better world than you found”, as chris once said. if that means i have to take my time, i’ll take it.

and finally, it’s not that these stories make me cringe (quite the contrary! on my days off, i think about them all the time) but… it’s going to take very specific circumstances for me to write something on the level of fever again, like i’m going to need the world to shut down again (and knowing how cowardly everyone is, i don’t see it happening unless it’s really bad like a war breaks out). and i’m literally doing what i can to improve things on a sexual level.

#text

4 notes · View notes