#'but the mythbusters—' THE MYTHBUSTERS ONLY PROVED THEY COULD HAVE BOTH SURVIVED IF THEY USED ROSE'S LIFEBELT TO KEEP THE DOOR AFLOAT

[hosseinis]

the number one way to release my full and unadulterated rage over a movie is to try and tell me jack could have fit on that goddamned door

[hannahwatcheshorror]

THE SEED OF CHUCKY (2004)

A really strange follow up to the Bride of Chucky. A super campy tale with Jennifer Tilly as a version of herself. Truly bizarre! But hey, that’s Hollywood, baby! If you have already been through the Child’s Play series to this point you’d think you couldn’t be surprised anymore but you would be wrong!

⭐⭐.5

(Trigger Warning Artificial Insemination Rape)

There is no way the opening credits were them making us watch actual Chucky sperm find the egg. That just didn’t happen. It isn’t 7:45am and I didn’t just see what I just saw. Wack. (at 7:47 I watched a gross fetus develop, but what fetus isn’t gross looking, am I right?)  Also, you should never shower during a thunderstorm, you could get electrocuted (and turn into a doll!). But seriously even The MythBusters proved that it is dangerous so don’t risk it folks. This is the first Chucky we see breasts in so isn’t that something (human and doll).

So, Chucky’s son is basically a kindly old British man for some Godforsaken reason. This kid (born from dead Tiffany at the end of Bride of Chucky) finds the movie dolls and reanimates them because he has the talisman necklace from the cemetery that has the wake up words on it. His parents immediately kill someone which makes the kid sad but Chucky couldn’t care less and takes the kid out to kill later that evening (they also run Brittany Spears off the road!). Tiffany thinks they are going to promise not to kill anyone else and even calls a woman she widowed to apologize (oops!). They are after Jennifer Tilly’s body though which is pretty hilarious (both the actress and the doll comment on how beautiful each other's voices are).

There is a gross doll masterbation scene which leads to an uncomfortable scene where they use the Seed of Chucky to impregnate Jenn Tilly. The plan is to put the kid in the body of the baby so that they get working genitals, if I understand correctly (which I very well may not!). Anyway it seems like she might be pregnant the next day because she is throwing up (morning sickness). Tiff confirms that she is voodoo pregnant, Jenn even talks to the guy she thinks knocked her up, but Tiff ends up “slipping” with her murder addiction and killing that guy too. 

We find out that the kid has multiple personality disorder which is good that they named him/her Glen/Glenda since Glen is a pacifist and Glenda is a killer like her folks. This was a weird little turn of events and it was hinted that this split was prompted in Glen by his parents killings and that before Glenda appeared that perhaps Glen was a transgender BUT this movie came out in 2004 so I don’t think they had it in them to explore that far into things. The dolls have Jenn and a male specimen on the slab and are ready to play Hide the Soul when Chucky makes a shocking choice.

Chucky decides he is content with being a doll but Tiff wants to be Jenn Tilly so a la Bride of Chucky they fight to the death again and it appears that only the child survives as a doll except 5 years later we see Jennifer Tilly and the kids are 2 redheads with Glen and Glenda as names and dun-dun! Jenn and Glenda are killers! Wack! Looks like Tiff did get the bodies she wanted! The movie ends with Glen getting a gift for his birthday and it is a piece of his dead father (a piece Glen himself chopped off) which goes for his throat! Roll credits!

[rhetoricalrogue]

31 Days of Wayhaven: Day 6

Prompt: Broken Rating: G Words: 1,259 Character: Nicolo Morelli Summary: Is it a blessing or is it a curse? After nearly 400 years, Nicky can’t tell any longer.

For the @31daysofwayhaven event.

“No change?”

Agent Simone shook her head.  “Did you really think there would be?”

Nicky sighed.  “No, but I had to ask.” 

Agent Simone took a sip of her espresso and set her elbows on the table.  “So, what’s it feel like to be three hundred and seventy-two years old?”

He shrugged.  “The same as it felt to be three hundred and seventy-one, to be honest.”  He ran a hand through his thick hair.  “Hey, at least I’m still handsome and not a single strand of silver in here!”

She rolled her eyes.  “That’s what happens when you die at the age of twenty-nine.”

“Get murdered,” he corrected, barely managing to hold onto the urge to spit as he clearly recalled his murder’s face, even after so long of a time.  “Dying implies doing so of old age or sickness.”

Agent Simone rolled her eyes.  “Death is death, Nicolo.  Apparently some of us get to experience it longer than others.”

“Franchesca, please.  Have some pity for a dead man.”  He reached over and held onto her hands.  “Are you certain this curse can’t be broken?”

Franchesca narrowed her eyes, but held onto his hands.  “Why does it sound like you’re hoping it can’t be broken?”  She squeezed his hands.  “We’ve had this same conversation every year at this very same cafe, drinking the same espressos and eating the same cannoli for the past fifty years.  Every time, you’ve asked if the curse has weakened, or if there’s a chance of breaking it. What’s changed?”

“The cannoli are awful, by the way.  I’ve had better back in Sicily, but I figured us Italians needed to stick together, even if you are from Milan.”  Nicky slid his hands away and balled them up into fists on top of the table.  “Winona.  She reminds me of my sister,” he confessed. 

“Oh, Nicolo.”  She’d heard the story before, how he had gone to his sister in a panic after he had woken up in a ditch, blood still staining his clothes from the multiple stab wounds that had killed him, telling her everything that had happened and then grabbing a knife to cut himself and having her witness the wound close up on itself to prove he wasn’t lying.  She’d been terrified of him, screaming that he was evil and that she never wanted anything to do with him ever again.  He’d fled and tried to visit again the next day, but he found the church camping out at her home, performing a full exorcism.  His temper had gotten the best of him and he stormed in, only to have the same priest who had known him since he was born, who had baptized him and his sister, gave the funerals for both of their parents and their grandmother, and blessed his sister’s wedding excommunicate him on the spot.

Luckily, there had been an Agency representative in the area who had taken one look at him, recognized that he wasn’t among the living, and invited him to join up.  It hurt, but the memory of his sister sobbing in the arms of her husband as he left their home for the last time made it easier for him to walk away and never look back.

He stayed away from Sicily for almost twenty years.  The only reason he’d gone back was when he heard of the devastating earthquake that had hit his hometown, and the fact that his sister’s family had not survived it.  By that time, no one remembered who he was, so he could easily say that he was a cousin paying his respects.  Someone who came to offer their own condolences had tried to joke that for someone they did not know, he surely mourned her death as if he were a brother.

“She looks at me and doesn’t see a monster,” he said.  “None of my team does.  I want to stay around as long as I can for them.”

She arched an eyebrow.  “If you were looking closer, you’d see that a lot of us don’t see you as one.”  Reaching out, she squeezed his hands again.  “This is a curse that cannot be broken, Nicolo.  I’m glad that you’re finally making some peace with it.”

He gave a snort of laughter.  “May you never know the peace of the grave, is what my Isabela said to me the last time I spoke with her.  At the time, I thought it was merely the rant of a woman upset that I hadn’t been faithful to her.”  He gave a sheepish smile.  “I didn’t even know I was supposed to be faithful to her, I just thought that we would have our fun and be on our way.  There was never any talk otherwise.”

“Had you known, would you have behaved otherwise?”

“Of course!  I wouldn’t have touched another woman!  Isabela was…”he sighed.  “Beautiful doesn’t even begin to describe her, both inside and out.”

“Then why did you sleep with another woman in the first place?”

He shrugged.  “Because, Franchesca, I’m an asshole who lets my dick do most of my thinking.  I was young and stupid and I’ve regretted it for over three centuries.  If I could, I’d try to find her and beg for her forgiveness.”  He laughed again.  “As if she’d even remember me.  To her, I’m probably some idiot who displeased her and she hasn’t given me a single thought since.”

Franchesca shook her head.  “I don’t know, Nicky.  You’re pretty unforgettable.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he told her, waving his hand in front of him as if to clear the air and change the subject.  “Besides, we’re talking as if Isabela were still alive, which is impossible.”

Franchesca steepled her fingers together and rested them under her chin.  “Nothing is impossible, Nicky.”

He opened his mouth, then closed it several times before speaking again. “I swear to God, if you lower some sort of glamour and I find out that you’ve been here in disguise these fifty years…”

Agent Simone tipped her head back and laughed. “Oh, wouldn’t that be dramatic!  I’m a damn good witch, but I’m not that good of a witch.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I’m saying, curses like this can’t be broken by anyone other than the caster.  And usually, curses like this are broken once the caster dies.  If Isabela were truly dead, you would have been a bloody, one hundred percent permanently dead mess from the last stupid stunt where you tried to blow yourself up with C-4.”

“It wasn’t a stunt,” Nicky grouched.  “It was an experiment.”

“And it’s also the reason you’ve been banned from watching Mythbusters without supervision.”

His fingers tightened around hers.  “Do you really think she’s still alive?”

“Ninety percent certain.”  She frowned when he rose from the little table they were sitting at.  “Where are you going?” 

“Back to the Agency.  I’ve got a few contacts that may be able to help point me in the right direction.”  He shrugged the jacket he had draped over his chair back over his shoulders.  “Thanks for the help!”

She turned in her chair.  “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Oh, right!” Taking a few steps back to the table, he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Ciao, bella!”

“No, the bill!  Honestly, Morelli, this is probably one of the reasons why you got cursed in the first place.”  Sighing, she pulled out her wallet.  Settling back in her chair, she picked up her cup to finish her drink.  “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

[steveandtorixinthemiddle]

Steve, Tori, and X in the Middle

Hello and Welcome to our new blog (If I’m being completely honest, I will probably be the one posting the most) about the next adventure in our lives. I suppose we should introduce ourselves. Let’s start with Steve because he’s the funny one.

Who is Steve? Well he has been a construction worker in various fields for most of his adult life. In 2011 he discovered Wii golf, which got him interested in the actual game. At first it was just playing on his PS3, but eventually we were able to find a decent set of second-hand clubs meant for a lefty. The first time he came home from the golf course (after what he described as the most horrible round in history) he was grinning from ear to ear and happier than I had seen him in a long time. He said he didn’t get remotely close to par, but he’d enjoyed himself immensely. He has gotten better but says he will never be a pro.

Steve is funny. I mean gut-splitting, spit milk out your nose, pee your pants funny. Most of his quiet little comments go unnoticed by those who don’t know him, and they are missing a lot of laughs because of it. He has bought nearly every stuffed animal I own (and I own a lot of them, mostly ladybugs) because he enjoys making other people smile. Okay, mostly me.... Then again, he also worked two jobs to put me through college, so you have to know he’s a good guy.

Funnily enough, people actually think Steve looks a little scary. I don’t usually see it though. I see a big teddy-bear, or a really goofy guy who just wants to have fun. Sometimes I accuse him of being a ten-year-old in the body of a grown man (I guess like BIG) because he loves fart jokes and many of the other things every boy I’ve ever known has liked. This man used to sit down and watch a couple hours of Sponge Bob when our son was small. He watches Red Green, Monty Python, Mythbusters, and the Mel Brooks movies and wishes he could do something like that.

Now me, I suppose. Well, I’m in my late thirties, but sometimes feel three times my age. I haven’t had an easy life (who has?) and my body is feeling it. In 2017 I had a pretty bad fall that resulted in lingering pain for years. Pain so bad that I couldn’t even walk. We had no medical insurance at the time (we were poor, but not poor enough, and living in SC, a state that didn’t take kindly to the ACA), which meant that the injury went untreated, even undiagnosed.

If the physical injury wasn’t enough (it really was if you ask me), the meds that they gave me to treat my PTSD were late a couple times. It was a medication with a warning I was never given. Occasionally someone will withdrawal from certain medications in such a way that it causes damage. This particular withdrawal caused me to have seizures, brain zaps (which can only be described as electricity zipping through your head every time you move it, or even your eyes) and suicidal thoughts so severe my husband had to take several days off work just to sit with me.

All totaled I was trapped mostly in bed or in a wheelchair. I was depressed and anxious. My PTSD was worse than ever. I was feeling hopeless and alone all the time, and I honestly wasn’t sure if there was any reason to keep going. I would have really great days, when I was able to get my wheelchair down the ramp, take the bus to the store, even see my friends. And then there would be days when my hip would lock and I would fall down.

After a fall I could usually expect to be trapped for days in my bed, in unending pain, and mostly alone as my husband had to work, walk the dog, take care of me, do all of the household chores, and literally everything else. My only contribution to our life was using the phone to pay bills and make cigarettes. I felt like I was a burden to my husband. It just got worse and worse and I didn’t see an end.

It’s interesting what life gives you sometimes. One afternoon, when I couldn’t find any inspiration for a fanfiction story I was working on, I started looking on YouTube for anything that would keep me entertained. As I was scrolling through, I saw a video from Trent & Ally (Experienced Van Builder Creates Masterpiece (4k) Van Tour). When the video ended I remember thinking, ‘if I’m going to be stuck in bed all the time, I wish it moved.’ I had no hope of having “van-life” adventures. Not with my health so bad, or with my mental health not much better. Still, it gave me something to dream about.

Then one day my husband sat down in his chair across from the bed, looked me in the eye, and said “we’re going back to Maine.” He’d had enough of seeing me suffer. So, we came back to Maine. It didn’t work out the way we planned. We had to leave our dog Chyko with my cousin (his original owner, who had raised him from a pup) and his family and take the train and a bus to get there, which meant leaving almost everything behind for the second time (we’d done that when we moved to SC after I found my mom).

Almost immediately after getting to Maine we were able to rent a lot with an old trailer on it (1972) not far from Steve’s brother. Right after moving in, I applied for Maine Care, which is Maine’s version of Medicaid. After a while, with the proper medication and a LOT of hard work, I started to get better. First it was just walking from the bedroom to the kitchen. Then I wasn’t staying in bed all day anymore, I would sit at the table. After a while I was walking several times a day from one end of the trailer to the other.

You should have seen my husband’s face when I told him I was going to walk to the store for the first time. I actually thought he might cry. He walked beside me the whole way, telling me over and over how proud he was of me and grinning from ear to ear as he “showed me off” to the people of the town he had grown up in.

It’s funny the way things happen. Covid shut down the country. More and more I wanted out of my house. I took over walking the dogs (who we adopted from Steve’s brother when they moved to a place that wouldn’t allow dogs) twice a day. I started going out with my sister-in-law to stores and walking through them, first in my walker, and more recently on my own two feet with absolutely no help!

Over the past year I have gotten stronger. I will never be where I was before. I will never walk 23 miles with a toddler on my back again (yes, I did that once). I won’t be skydiving, or cliff jumping, or any of the major things I wish I could have tried at least once when I was young enough to survive (he he he). Still, I have a lot of life ahead of me. I’m glad my husband didn’t let me give up.

And now we are preparing for our next adventure. We are going to buy a shuttle bus and turn it into our home on the road. We have several reasons for this. One of those reasons is to pay off all of my outstanding medical bills. I literally owe so much that if I keep paying at my current rate it will take me 417.8 years to finish. So in part, I suppose this is about making sure we don’t leave that debt to our son.

There are other reasons though. One of them is that I would dearly love to meet a few of the couples/families/individuals I began following on YouTube over the past three years. Another reason is because we will never be able to afford a retirement on what my husband makes working in a grocery store (which was his only option after moving here) and we need to go where the work is. We also want to see the country, find out who we are now that “mom and dad” aren’t our biggest titles anymore, and to keep us both active and healthy.

(Okay, and because someone told me I couldn’t do it and I’ve never been able to resist proving people wrong when they say that, so long as I actually WANT to do it).

I’m sort of hoping my husband can put together a show of his own, that people actually enjoy watching on YouTube. Sort of a mix bag kind of show that brings in elements from his favorite shows and movies that really speak to us both. We would love to make videos about how and where to fish, or how to get a fishing license in a state other than your own. I’d even like to do my own short segment, sort of like what Mariah Alice does in her videos. Just talking about what I’m feeling, and why. Figuring out where I go from here.

And... both of us want to help others in our situation (low income) make a go of the life. We watched, horrified, over the last year as more and more people lost everything to wild-fires, floods, even evictions. We want to make it possible for other people to take their homes on the road with them. We want to help families who are really struggling figure out what to do next. And we want to really join in the community (which will be hard with my social anxiety, but not impossible).

Mostly, I think we just want to live while we still have time. I’m done existing. I want to really enjoy what is left of my life. And I want to keep getting better. If I am ever going to check off the last item on my bucket list (WALKING the full length of the Appalachian Trail) then I need to get much stronger than I am now.  

As for who is traveling with us...

The young Marine in the picture is our son, Tim, who has made us incredibly proud. He lives on base and seems to be doing very well. I wish he would call more, but what can I say, he’s an adult now and deserve the right to start his life, not keep his mom worry-free. He won’t be traveling with us, unless he decides to visit when he can build up some leave time.

If you look at the picture of me lying on the couch covered in dogs however, you will meet Madison (a twelve year old pitt mix) who we adopted from Steve’s brother. She is sweet and affectionate, but tends to bark at strangers and friends alike (you can only tell the difference by the beating your knees take from her tail). Beside her is Avalanche, her son, whose name fits him perfectly. His father was mostly lab, which shows. He is super affectionate, and if he doesn’t get my attention he will put his paws on my leg and lick me half to death until he does.

Both our dogs tend to bark when there are strangers around, though we are trying to get them into the habit of only giving one bark, to warn us. Unfortunately it is a bit more difficult to retrain older dogs, so it hasn’t been as easy as it was with retraining Chyko. Thankfully neither of them have huge health issues, but Madison is getting older. We’re hoping that since she isn’t full-blood pitt she will live a little longer than it says online.

Our plan is to stay in Maine during the summers, except perhaps an occasional trip, and mostly travel in the fall, winter, and spring. We do want to avoid the heat (mostly because my husband is afraid I will go supernova and take half a state with me if I get too hot), but we really want to see our son and visit with our other family down south, but then we will probably follow the weather to avoid costs associated with heating or cooling.

Right now we are just at the beginning. We’ve only just made the decision and haven’t even gotten our shuttle bus yet (though we are looking for the right one). We are gathering the supplies we will need to start. We plan to live in the bus during most of the build. Basically we have to do the insulation and redo the floor, walls, and ceiling of the bus before we build out anything, but the whole idea of hooking up the solar terrifies me and makes my husband a bit nervous too, so we will probably wait on everything but a little Jackery until we really know more.

We’ve been watching hundreds of YouTube videos a week for the past two weeks! We have a list of the things we NEED, and the things we want. Right now we are focused on needs first. Things like the ability to cook and wash dishes and have light at night. There is so much more to do, and it will probably be fall before we even get on the road in a barely renovated bus.

We might be crazy. We probably are. A least a little insane. Still, if that crazy makes us happy, gets us out of debt, lets us figure out who we are now, and enables us to see friends and family we dearly love and miss, then I’ll take a bit of that crazy any day of the week.

[flirting-with-psychology]

A! Do you drink Alcohol frequently? Semi frequently What Age are you? 22 Do you like Apples? Yeah Do you believe in Aliens? I believe in other life forms elsewhere in the universe, yes Who is your favourite Actor/Actress? Uhhhh idk

B! Do you like The Fresh Prince of Bel Air? I’ve never seen it

Were you ever scared about getting Bats stuck in your hair? Not really Are you always the Banker when you play Monopoly? I try not to be. I’m usually not Do you like going to the Beach? Yes

Who do you think is the most Beautiful person in the world? There was a guy I met in France named Luca who was pretty high up there C! Do you like Cats? Yes Are you Charismatic? Heh no Do you like laying down to look at the Clouds? Not really Are you a pro at Checkers? No Has someone ever called you Cheap? Maybe, but not in a bad way D! Are you more of a Dog person? No, I like both cats and dogs Do you like Disney films? Yes Do you still Decorate the house for holidays? I sometimes help my dad but I don’t do my own Do you have a Dressing gown? No Do you think Dinosaurs are awesome? They’re cool

E! Have you ever ran up the down Escalator? Or ran down the up one? Yes, I used to love doing that What did you Eat last? A slice of pizza What’s the most Expensive gift you’ve ever received? My laptop How do you like your Eggs? Scrambled 

Have you ever been so angry you thought you might Explode? Probably F! Would you ever want to be Famous? Maybe. Not sure I would want to be in the spotlight all the time. Maybe have a household name, but not as recognizeable of a face. I think that could be achievable as a director Do you think you’re Funny? Yeah Are Flashing lights fun? Not particularly by themselves When was the last time you Flew in a plane? August Has a Folding chair ever un-folded and squished you while you were on it? That sounds like something that would happen to me G! Did you ever wear Glasses, even though you didn`t need them? I do need them Have you ever eaten Glue? Not any significant amount Do you Give to charity? Not really, I should probably get better about that. But it would be only out of a sense of duty because I have a hard time actually caring about people I don’t know

Do you think Goats are cute? Baby goats can be cute H! When was the last time you High-fived someone? Friday Do you dye your Hair? No

Are you Happy with your life? Not yet When was the last time someone physically Hurt you? My surgeon hurt me but that was what she was supposed to do Do you always wear a Helmet when you go cycling? Yes I! What’s your favourite flavour of Ice-cream? Chocolate or lemon sorbet Could you ever live in an Igloo? No Do you know what an Isosceles triangle is? Yes What’s the most Incredible thing you’ve ever seen? An essay without credible sources Do Insects freak you out? YES J! When was the last time you completed a Jigsaw? Participated? Freshman year. Actually completed? A long time ago if ever Do you like Jam? Yes Tell me a Joke! Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Are you Jealous of anyone? A bit yeah

K! Who was the last person you Kissed? A guy on the eclipse camping trip Do you have a nice Kitchen? No Do you like Kiwi fruit? Yes Do you find Knock-Knock jokes hilarious? Only if they’re good Do you tend to Keep a bunch of stuff you really don’t need? Hell yeah, I’m terrible about it L! Do you think walking under a Ladder is bad luck? No Have you ever been inside a Limo? Yes, my friends and I got one for senior prom Do you really hate Losing? I’m not too bad of a loser actually Do you like playing with Legos? I never got super into them Do you think you have a cool Laugh? It’s a laugh? Idk M! Did you collect Marbles as a kid? Sorta Do you look in the Mirror a lot? Sorta Do you have a Moustache? No Could you live without Music? Maybe, but I like music a lot Do you like going to Museums? Depends on the museum. I’m not huge on just standard art museums but science museums are cool N! What’s your Name? Star Do you like your Neighbours? Haven’t met them yet Do you watch the News? No What’s your favourite Number? 17 O! Do Opposites really attract? Not always Would you hate working in an Office? I don’t know. I used to think I would but the structure might actually be nice Are you Open-minded? Not as much as I used to be Do you think Olives are gross? Yes P! When was the last time you made Pancakes? A guy made them for me last fall Are you wearing Pajamas? No Have you ever been to Paris? Yes Can you play the Piano? No Do you Pull the door that says Push or Push the door that says Pull often? Yup Q! Are you a Quiet person? Yes, more than I would like Do you ask too many Questions when you first meet someone? Not enough usually Are you a Quick learner? Yeah I think so Did you know that Mythbusters proved that a Quack can echo? Huh! The more you know Do you know anyone called Quentin? No R! Do you smile everytime you see a Rainbow? No Do you listen to the Radio all the time? Hardly ever Can you Roller-blade? I can roller skate, but not so much blade Do you take a Rubber-duck in the bath with you? No Can you Run fast? Haha no S! What makes you Scared? Spiders Don’t you think Sellotape is cool? I’ve heard of spellotape Do you get Sick a lot? The last couple years I did Do you still own a Slinky? Yes, somewhere T! Did you like Thomas the Tank Engine when you were a kid? Not really When was the last time you were in a Taxi? Probably in London Are you Thirsty? Oh yes Do you always remember to say Thank-you? Not always Do you take care of your Teeth? ... I could do better U! Do you own an Umbrella? Yes Do you live Underneath anyone? No Do you think hanging Upside-down is fun? Not really Have you ever put water in a rubber-glove and pretended they were Udders? Probably Do you think you are Ugly? Sometimes V! Do you live in a Village? No Do you have a cool Voice? I hate my voice What’s your Vice? Overanalyzing things… <Same. And procrastinating Do you still own any old Video’s? Yes Do you think you could survive in the Victorian era? Depends what my station is W! Are you too Warm right now? No Do you like Weetabix? What Do you wear a Watch everyday? No Are you cautious about your Weight? Not as much as I should be

Do you get Worried a lot? Too much X! Do you like to play the Xylophone? Not particularly Did you ever watch Xena: Warrior Princess? No Have you ever been X-Rayed? Yes Are you Xenophobic? Don’t think so Did you know that X is 10 in Roman Numerals? Yes Y! Do you like Yogurt? Yes Was Yesterday better than today? About equal Do you like the colour Yellow? It’s okay How are You? Eh Do you Yell a lot? Sometimes Z! Do you think a horse painted to look like a Zebra is cool? I guess? Do you know your Zodiac sign? Sagittarius Do you take Zinc? When I feel like a cold is coming Did you know that Steve Irwin said to run in Zigzags to escape a Croc? I did not

[kyukurator-blog]

ARISTOTLE ON MARS

THAT FEELS BETTER

 When Aristotle talked about catharsis (the purging of fear and pity through drama) he MAY have been thinking more about killing your father and sleeping with your mother than invasive alien life forms.   

But in times like these we here at The Thread will take catharsis wherever we find it. So last week we finally watched Clint Eastwood’s Scully, and when the ferry crew started pulling the 155 passengers off the plane wing our eyes got all moist right on cue. 

 By the end of the movie an evil NTSB panel is forced to admit that sometimes heroes actually are heroes.  And we were forced to admit that every once in a while things actually do turn out well.  Aristotelian or not, it did perk us up.

But Scully isn’t exactly representative.  Far more common in films are films where small human errors add up to disaster.  Like  the Oscars — or the latest Alien knock-off that opens this week. 

  iTUNES USER ALERT! Just want to make sure you know you don’t have to pay $14.99 at iTunes for a movie you’re only going to watch once. Every other service will let you rent most titles for $10 less than iTunes. Amazing, right?  Even if you love Apple, don’t let them scam you.

     LIFE (2017)

 At the outer limits of human endeavor, the margin for error becomes increasingly slim.  So when an alien life form pops up in a movie — and it doesn’t have Star Wars in the title — we know there’s a good shot that before long something unanticipated is going to pop up.

Except that by now, the unanticipated is exactly what we anticipate, like:  Really?  You’re gonna stick your finger in there?

In Scully, the pilot’s experience and human ability to judge a complex situation more rapidly than any computer saves the day.  The lesson here is a flip of that — as the crew   members struggle to contain a ruthlessly aggressive Martian life form, their humanity keeps getting in the way.

The early reviews are decent, even though everybody agrees that it falls apart in the last act.  Reportedly whole multicultural crew are provided with  back stories  – not just Jake Gyllenhal and Ryan Reynolds.

Genre purists should be saving themselves for Alien: Covenant, Ridley Scott’s return to the Alien franchise.  It opens in May, with a fun and even more multicultural cast.  But in all likelihood, they’ll come out anyway, just to jeer at not-so-cheap knockoff.

  DEEPWATER HORIZON (2016)

 Like Scully, we pretty much knew exactly what this movie was going to be before we watched it.  And we watched it anyway – though we did save it for a weekend when we were home alone, so we could pump up the 5.1 sound to an eyeball-jiggling volume.

You know from the start that Marky Mark is going to survive to get back to Kate Hudson.  And you figure he’s probably going to save the cute Hispanic woman (Gina Rodriguez — she could save him, but that would be a big genre stretch for this movie).  And it doesn’t take advanced calculus to figure out pretty quick that John Malkovich, sporting a honey-dripping drawl, is the villain.

It’s a real Dad flick – more technical jargon than cleavage.  And a nicely aging Kurt Russell in the solid-as-a-rock captain role.

Oh yeah, and (spoiler alert) there are explosions.  Biiig explosions.  Lots of explosions.  That damn oil rig blows up again and again and again; and again.  Here at The Thread, we don’t track every single superhero movie closely; but to our untrained eye there were more, bigger, better explosions than we’ve seen anywhere else recently.

There are human errors, falling in the subcategories of corporate greed and tempting fate.  But the movie accurately depicts the biggest error, which was made by the highly competent and super-experienced crew – not realizing what was happening and taking action quickly enough, as this geekoid article points out.

    LONE SURVIVOR (2013)

 Deepwater Horizon is the second of three collaborations (Patriot Day is #3) between star Mark Wahlberg and director Peter Berg.  They’ve honed in on a sort of disaster sub-genre: hyper-competent teams (overwhelmingly male) and how they deal with extreme situations when all the layers of failsafe fail.

Lone Survivor is based on non-fiction book by former Navy Seal Marcus Luttrell.  A four-man Navy Seal reconnaissance team is inserted into the Hindu Kush, with the mission of scouting the location of a Taliban leader.  In the hilly terrain, they lose radio contact with their base.  They then stumble onto an elderly shepherd accompanied by two teens.

Luttrell (Wahlberg) convinces his comrades not to kill the three, but one of the teens gallops off, and before they can re-establish communications Taliban fighters come streaming in.

From the start of the film we’ve seen the cardinal rule that these guys live by – never yield; never give up.  In the ensuing firefights and chases, the four Seals take monstrous amounts of bullets and physical abuse but keep on going.  Eventually they make contact and two Huey helicopters swoop in – only to have one of them shot down in flames and the other retreat.

Only Luttrell survives – and only because he is saved by a Pashtun villager who risks himself and his whole family because of his Islamic moral code which obliges him to shelter the stranger.

    APOLLO 13 (1995)

Lately we’ve been searching for classics to watch with our tweens (nota bene — City Slickers is much more of a raunchfest than you may remember).  Classics, in this context, being anything pre-2010.  Which is why we’ve ended up re-watching a lot of Tom Hanks movies lately.

Apollo 13 is probably the highest profile they-all-came-back-alive situation in modern history.  You do very much know how it turns out, so this kind of thing is a real test of a filmmaker’s craft, which is why Clint Eastwood or, in this case, Ron Howard gets the job.

You’ll be waiting for the biggest meme from this movie: “Houston, we’ve got a problem.”  We’ve got to admit that Hanks is really good at humanizing these super buttoned-up, understated types.  In the photo above, he’s next to another all-purpose nice guy.  No, not Kevin Bacon — the recently departed Bill Paxton.

    THE MARTIAN (2015)

When it comes to writerly eloquence, the self-published Kindle novel The Martian was horribly written – kind of high school junior level.  And just like Fifty Shades of Gray, there are lots of pages you can just scroll right through.  But if you’ve got a certain sensibility (the kind that would lead you to read a novel about an astronaut stuck on Mars), don’t start it late at night, or you’ll still be up when the birds start chirping.

Author Andy Weir is one of those overnight success stories – although he was still a computer programmer when he published The Martian as a serial on his website, he’d been writing for years.  Some followers asked him to self-publish it on Kindle.  Four years later the feature film was released, starring Matt Damon and directed by Ridley Scott.

When an epic sand storm forces a Mars mission to abort and take off early, a crew member is hit by debris and blown away.  Telemetry shows he is dead, the craft is teetering in the wind;  so to save the rest of the crew, the commander (Jessica Chastain) blasts off.

Of course, Watley isn’t dead, just skewered like a bug by a spear-like antenna.  He manages to make it inside and remove the antenna.  With all communication cut off, he faces a long slow death from starvation.

Except, of course he doesn’t.  Through tenacious will and a lot of mental meat, he figures out how to restore the radio, and then how to grow enough potatoes to survive until his crewmates can improvise an emergency return mission to pick him up.  More shit happens, but he perseveres.

For a lot of the novel, Watley is sitting alone and thinking about potatoes, so it wasn’t an easy story to dramatize.  The adroit touch with which Scott accomplished reminds us that we should go out to a theater to watch his Alien reboot.

    Titanic (1997)

And the music swells.  Dare we use the words “Celine Dion” and “catharsis” in a single sentence?

Wanted our 5th pick to be Shackleton, the miniseries in which a stalwart Kevin Branagh (even more thin-lipped than usual) endures more wind-whipped ice and penguin meat than any man should have to; and miraculously brings them all back alive, minus a few random fingers and toes.  But we realized that it’s not available for streaming.  If you have Netflix DVD or a good library nearby, check it out.

So.  We recently re-watched Titanic at home, and the boys were transfixed, despite the love story pasted onto the epic deflation of human hubris.  Even viewed from the couch, it’s a grand, imagination-stirring film, with mind-boggling effects and a life-was-simple-then moral compass.

This movie cemented our love affair with Kate Winslet, which had begun with Heavenly Creatures.  And, we’ve gotta say, we like Leonardo better now than we did at the time.

Those last scenes must have been good training for The Revenant.  Although we must add this unfortunate Weir-esque fact – there was actually room for both of them on that door.  Don’t believe it?  Well, Mythbusters re-enacted it and proved that he didn’t have to die.

  ARISTOTLE ON MARS was originally published on FollowTheThread