#'STOP LETTING THEM TELL YOU THAT YOU MUST STRIVE TO BE DESIRABLE TO THEM AND ADHERE TO THEIR STANDARDS! BE T4T!'

[vraska-theunseen]

ignore the fact that i was on tvtropes especially for a book im only halfway through but anyway this is so interesting. bc i noticed this like it IS sentient so it COULD go off and watch soap operas or it could kill everyone it says that in the first line. but it doesn't it's okay watching soap operas it doesn't want revenge and it is not and does not want to be human. and also the it/it's pronouns are so interesting to bc like it is an object it was built to be one and it's not interested in being a human and adhering to standards of humanity by choosing more traditionally person-like pronouns. like i can talk about personhood and humanity for ais/clones in media and i often do. but this is reframing it for me bc like when i say "treated with humanity" or "treated like a person" i mean treated with the respect it deserves as a sentient being with feelings. because it is still built as an object and that's still something it doesn't reject. idk i think it's neat

[secretress]

❝𝐏𝐀𝐂: 𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐟 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐠𝐨 𝐨𝐟 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐬 𝐦𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐦𝐲 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬.❞

What do you have to let go of in order to achieve your dream life?

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Pac summary !

𓆣 Detailed.

𓆣 What do you have to let go?

𓆣 How has it been affecting you?

𓆣 How do you let go?

Moodboard | Divider

Pile I.

(Trigger warning: faint mentions of su!cide).

What do you have to let go?

X of cups reversed.

Your pile is slightly tricky since this is a general reading, though my intuition tells me you must let go of the relationship you have with your future and past selves. You truly believe your past self was and is right about everything. You follow their mentality: thoughts, beliefs, and their behaviors, etc. You believe that your future self will mess up everything and have started to disregard their feelings about this. This pile has a lot of intuitive people, and in your future you see prosperity, abundance, genuine love, and everything that one person could desire, yet you keep discrediting your future self’s achievements and believe your past self is the one that obtained these. You also have been neglecting your present self and invalidating your feelings because it doesn’t fit your standards of who you are supposed to be or were. Your past self was able to help you get here, but it is your present self that is holding the stance, and it will be your future self that helps you achieve your goal. As long as you keep doing this negative cycle of insulting your future self, you will keep straining the friendship with yourself and question why everything is going wrong. Don’t allow yourself to be your own enemy, and then expect kindness from yourself. An enemy would never show kindness to their enemy without seeking something, and you are doing the same to yourself. Do not invalidate your feelings just because you have them now. Do not play victim with yourself whenever something negative occurs and go running to the same person that is playing you and making you feel worthless. Don’t do it.

You are making it harder to achieve your dream life and embody your desired self. Why crave something with all of your heart but push it away at every opportunity that comes? Why make it harder for yourself when you know damn well that you can make your desires a reality with a change of thought? What makes self-sabotage so special to you that you believe it is something that you deserve? You hide the smallest things from yourself—the smallest—it’s not necessary to keep straining the relationship with yourself. You are not this toxic person, you are your own person. Stop believing they are right when they are not. They’re an ass! Truly.

I know that you believe your past self is the embodiment of perfection; they were very confident, they had everything wanted, they could say no within seconds without shying away, without looking back, their mindset was a godsend and everyone would die to have it, they always strive for the best, but they are not here anymore, and that is not who you are anymore. Stop changing who you are right now, and allow yourself to naturally become them again. Forcing yourself to be a certain way and expecting to embody them within seconds is what is causing you so much stress that you feel su!cidal. My intuition says—take this into your heart and hold it dear because it’s something that you must understand. My intuition says, ‘’if you keep filling a hollow cup that has punctured holes on the bottom, hidden from its user, you will allow yourself to feel frustrated wondering why it is not filling up. It is a half empty cup, a cup that was always going to be hollow, something that cannot be fixed unless you create a new one. But that new one cannot be fixed overnight, it takes time and effort for it to manifest. If one were to pressure the one who created the cup, they would stress out and take a longer time to make it. Those stressful thoughts will cause despair and shame, as it buries them in insecurities as they hold onto those expectations from their client; something that is simply impossible even if it was done by a master from this field. So do not become this client to yourself when you know well you cannot embody them anymore.’’

How has it been affecting you?

Page of swords reversed, chains, justice reversed.

You are already aware of how this has been affecting you mentally. People have been feeding off of your energy like a vampire, and you feel drained constantly. A lot of you have wondered if there is something wrong, perhaps it's a lack of nutrients or iron issues, and for the rest, you have asked your family what is going on and taken their advice, but nothing has been working. The people feeding off your energy are causing you this confusion, thus making you struggle to accept when better opportunities come your way. I see a vision where someone from the noble family, primarily a prince with gold flowers on his jacket’s material, opens up an envelope from a desired place. The desired place is vague without a specific area. When they were opening up the envelope, all of their beautiful emotions were forcefully pushed into a dirty jar as it got sealed, and he could not get it back, leaving him with the unwanted emotions he buried away for so long. These emotions used to bury him in quicksand, and each time he tried to get out, he would sink deeper, and finally, one day, he allowed it to only for him to realize this isn’t where he wanted to be. But in this situation, his negative emotions came back to haunt him because he never healed from it. This vision is subjective, and each of you has a different place or want about something, yet you have not healed from your past, and now it is haunting you. You have a lot of overwhelming emotions, and you are slowly but surely pushing away the positive emotions because you fear they will be the ones you cannot stand. You are struggling to understand which emotions are right to feel and what is not. In short, you cannot feel anymore, everything is gray for you. Becoming your own blockage has made it easier for you to feel something, but has made it harder for you to become your dream self. Why disappoint yourself to feel something? Truly, what have you gained from it? You have lost so much. You lost trust in yourself. You have allowed others to break promises with you, telling them it is okay and then allowing them to do it again. You sabotaged job opportunities; you let yourself fail as you were held back for a year or another semester, yet you are such a hard working person. You (some) have let your ex cheat on you with a friend encouraging it, thinking that it’s okay just to feel, and (some) you allowed people to harm you for shits and giggles just to feel.

You are feeling these negative emotions because you started to get high from negativity and ruining your mindset, so no, these emotions and thoughts are not validated. And you must change these thoughts, or you will fall so painfully hard that you will lose yourself in the progress. Sabotaging your future self is cruel; they are NOT your enemy, they are your friend. Stop sabotaging your FUTURE self and your present self and then believing it is okay. It’s not, and these will not be validated by me.

To become your own enemy, to ruin opportunities for growth and self-improvement, is another type of cruelty that one would not wish upon someone else despite it all. To have that much hatred for someone you do not know and then complain about not getting where you want to be is another type of incompetence. To keep lying to yourself about things that will never happen, to cause stress and fear upon yourself just to laugh at yourself, is so cruel and morbid. How can you believe that is okay? To have such an elegant and beautiful energy, to now for it become the opposite of that: a disturbing energy. This is a whole new level of wow. Not the good wow, the wow of embarrassment. Originally, as I channeled your reading, I thought the energy vampire was someone else, yet it is you with yourself since all you do is torment yourself and get off on it. You do not do any of your work, you do not speak to your friends (not anymore since everything went to shit), you do not do anything, you barely cook for yourself, you just sabotage your present self and future self, and that’s it. You are the joker, but with yourself, and this is not okay and it never will be. It’s disgusting energy, and get mad at me as much as you would like to, but you came for a reading, and you are getting an honest one. Let’s keep going. Please take this reading to heart and heal for the better.

Moving on. You need to go back into your past and understand what led you to this. What caused you so much pain that you believed that in order to do better and be better, you must cause yourself pain. Shame keeps popping up in my mind. What decisions did you make in your past that have you so much regret that you hate yourself this much? What or who caused you so much for this to repeat in the same cycle? Healing a bit and then sabotaging yourself, going back to the same cycle, and then feeling su!cidal again. The word “shame,” is shaking around, chaotically spreading around in my mind. Your energy is so off-putting, not for me or anyone else, just for yourself. A vision appeared where someone (you) is stuck in a circus trap where wild animals are usually held, and the headmaster or headmistress is shaking a gold bell to the person, saying they are a failure, a shameful mistake, and a useless c*nt. Intuition tells me this owner is and was a friend or a current lover of yours that always made fun of you and gradually made you believe the lies from their tongue, hence the golden bell. Sometimes these bells can indicate control over someone, and the same person follows through and obeys. The same can be said here.

This is why I said your pile is tricky, there are two parties. Those who dealt with a friend and the other, a current lover. Nonetheless, follow along because this could make sense at the end, even if it doesn’t resonate yet.

Having vulnerability in a relationship can become nerve-wracking; you do not know if the other person is going to hurt your feelings, or use you as a means to an end. Other times, the idea of saying the truth can be scary and the thought of fabricating is easier, but as you keep lying like this to yourself and with others, you create a deeper rabbit hole for yourself. Not because you forget what you have lied about, but because you cause a drift and ruin the perception you have of yourself and who you associate yourself with. It doesn’t matter who you hang out with or date; you will always sabotage yourself because you ruined your perception of who you are. Meaning, you can no longer be vulnerable with yourself because you are used to lying and manipulating yourself, giving yourself hope and then ruining it for yourself—all of this has created a ball of emptiness, thus causing you to lose your emotions that you have been longing for. The only person to blame is yourself now. You have to take responsibility to become better for your younger self that dealt with that friend, or now and leave that current lover of yours. I feel like a part of you (everyone here), wants to genuinely heal, but fears linger in your mind, and cutting that cord scares you shitless. Letting go and not having those emotions is nagging you, and you feel like it’s better to have them than be empty. But sometimes, it is better to feel nothing than to lie to yourself to feel something. You do not gain anything from it.

How do you let go?

Reversed III of wands.

You must allow yourself to let go. Often, we allow others to control us, forgetting that we can control many things. In this case, you can control yourself to stop nitpicking and shaming your present and future self. Allow yourself to have your needs met and show yourself that it is okay to allow your path to go another way. Knowing that your past self cannot control you any longer and that it is time to let go. Allow your mind to be a waterfall, and imagine all the thoughts and trauma you cause yourself to be pushed away into that jar, just as the vision I saw with the prince. But rather this time, it’s the negativity that has engulfed your precious mind. And as you push these thoughts within that jar, allow the peaceful ones to come back within, and show appreciation that you did not do. And remember that the past cannot be undone as much as you want it to be, but that is also the beauty of life. Because now you are mindful of the decisions you make for yourself, and you now have a chance to do better and be better, but in a healthy way. Letting go may be hard, but doing it now as you read this is much better than never doing it—you may need time, and you may have to let go in baby steps, yet it is far better than not doing it. The gold flowers that were on the prince's jacket's fabric were an indication of your heart before all of this concurred. Having a gold heart to devote to those you care for is not an ill thing, it’s beautiful when it is well taken care of. Yet this time, do not make the same mistake, instead.. show that heart to yourself and let it engulf you so you can bring happiness back to yourself. And to become your dream self while learning what your dream life will be in the near future.

Masterlist

Pile II.

What do you have to let go?

The hanged man reversed, IX of swords, and the VII of cups.

Your pride. I believe this pile is self-explanatory. Even cutting it short, right here, you would already know what I am talking about. But I will get down to the deeper aspects of your pride, the ones you hide away with deadly vines that drown their prey for the fun of it.

Your mind is your escape palace, each time something triggering reappears, you allow yourself to dissociate from the world and stay in your inner world. In a way, you are always on autopilot and struggling to balance staying in reality and staying in the clouds has worsened. Now, you have started to feel fake, as if this is not your body and who you are. You are lost in your own fantasy that you have caused yourself—an addiction that has been challenging to leave. Your pride is another factor in this fantasy. It has caused you shame for even acting upon this fantasy, as you have always been someone who prided themselves on being better and never falling for something as this. Always made fun of others, and now life has bitten you.

Pride can either be our greatest ally or our greatest foe, and before all of this occurred, it was your best friend, yet now it’s out of tune with your goals and the life you dream of. It sees you as prey that it must devour, and you are letting it be. The IV of swords indicates troubles on fears, doubts, guilt, and worries; all the overwhelming emotions that you have been walking on eggshells around. These have become your new normal, but you have forgotten what it's like to feel peace surrounding your heart. My intuition tells me you must let go of your pride and learn to embrace this new addiction of yours. Learn to use this escape routine in something safe. Meaning, a lot of you daydream and douse yourself in different fantasy worlds of who you are and what you have there, yet your personality is always the same. Use those skills on figuring out what dream life you like to obtain and manifesting it into your reality. Take time in creating a realistic world and figuring out who you desire to be, what job you want, and what fashion you truly crave, and if you cannot find it, then learn to sew and make clothes for it to come. Do not be afraid to learn something new and find a new hobby. Allow yourself to engage in this world and the world you will create about this realistic world, and you will gradually see no reason to escape into that fantasy world of yours.

How has it been affecting you?

VI of wands reversed, the sun and III of wands reversed.

It has been causing you to feel overwhelmed to the point where you have been struggling to keep up with your daily life. Some things that feel real have started to submerge you into your fantasy. You struggle to figure out what is real and what isn’t. I keep hearing that some of you have depersonalization-derealization disorder, and some of you struggle with hallucinations. Some type of disorder has it, but I cannot be specific about it because there are too many disorders that are popping up as I channel this. A lot of you have started to hate yourself about it and would rather give up on life and let it be. Your pride is still truly your enemy, as VI of wands reversed speaks about it.

I have already said this pile is rather self-explanatory, but with the sun, you keep ignoring your struggles to be something small when it is not. You keep invalidating how you feel and believe it is better to be this resilient person who does not face struggles. Mind you, you are human, you are allowed to feel. It is okay to cry and feel those struggles, and it is truly okay to let loose and feel your emotions. But once you feel okay, and truly embrace those feelings, let it go, and get your ass back up and find solace in your desires that you create through these worlds you create and make it in your reality. Stop allowing your pride and fantasy ideals to take over and make you someone you are not. You are not this lazy person that you have idolized yourself to be; hell, you are not this evil person you think that you are, you have always been sweet and mind you it is okay to show compassion. It is not a disgusting feeling. Do not become your own setback and believe this it—this is your last resort and you cannot do much afterwards. Do not fall into this loophole of despair and think that is okay. Would you prefer it in the future that being in the same place you are as of now is your future, or will you do everything in YOUR power to change your reality?

How do you let go?

Let go of the idolized version from fear that you created so you can never change and make your desires into your reality. A lot of people create idolized versions of themselves to either daydream about (this is your case), and others do it to BECOME them. Which one sounds more appealing?

I keep asking you the same thing because you keep brushing them away. Which one would you truly have? What kind of future do you want? Don’t you want to have those fantasy worlds of yours come to life? Anything is truly possible, I know that it doesn’t seem to be the case, but it is. If you allow yourself to make your dream life come to you instead of pushing it away because you are not ready, then you can never have what you want. I know that shame can eat us alive to the point where those emotions rot in our flesh and cause delays throughout our hearts, but it is also important to recognize that this is your life and it is time to let go of this ‘’you,’’ and embark on the real you that has been cast away because of despair. So, I ask again, and please answer this one honestly. Who do you desire to be, what is your future like, and what do you want your dream life to be like? Only you and you alone can make your life change. Change cannot happen without you and your thoughts alone. How do you desire your thoughts to be? Would you like to change your pitiful thoughts and make them into positive ones like, “I am deserving of change. I allow change within my heart and let go of the old me that does not align with my dreams. I am free, and I have let go of all that ached my heart. Freedom is my destiny, and I am deserving of all of the beauty that comes from life.’’ Allow my intuitive words to heal your heart and make your life better. The things you desire cannot happen instantly, that is not realistic, and that is okay. Be consistent with these words and see the magic appear.

The tower.

I felt like something was missing and yet it was. Stop hiding the desires you actually have and remind yourself it is okay to crave them. Some of you crave genuine friendships, and the rest of you crave to love another but have been hurt to the point of no return. Listen to me, okay? It is genuinely okay to crave them. I understand that you have always done everything alone and believe you are destined for that, and maybe you are if you do not change your thoughts, but as I said, change cannot happen unless you change. But my intuition tells me the desires you crave are what are supposed to happen as you gradually become comfortable with better thoughts that make your day brighter. You are supposed to wake up in the morning without stressful and unwanting thoughts; you are supposed to smile randomly to yourself, and you are supposed to feel so much peace surrounding your heart. This is not because you change, this is because this has been part of your journey. Meaning, this has already been written down for you from the start, whether you believe in these or not.

Masterlist.

Pile III.

What do you have to let go?

VI of wands reversed, II of cups, VII of cups, and the lovers.

It is time to move on from the love that you are mourning. They do not and did not care for you as you did with them. I understand putting all the love you had for them did not manifest in the way you desired, but as you keep mourning, you allow your life to be stagnant. No change is coming in your direction, and there is a lack of balance in your heart. What they have done to you is not your fault; do not allow them to take over and make you believe that you were the devil. You are a beautiful rose that has fallen on the floor, hidden from the world, but it is time for you to come back and be seen. Allow yourself to gain the confidence that was stolen by them and rejoiced. It’s not wrong for you to move on and become happier for yourself. Those words that came from them as you both broke up were mere lies. They wanted you to keep thinking about them, and they wanted you to never move on. But is that what you still want? For your life to be on pause as everything else around you keeps moving forward?

I see a scene where a beautiful fallen angel is being thrown by “God” down onto earth, where their once light illuminating skin is transformed into nothing but gray skin and black hair. No shining light surrounds them, it is as if they are forgotten. This is your energy, and that “God” was your ex. They were not your grace, and they never were as much as you wanted to believe. It is time for you to let go and find your illuminated light once more. Stop allowing your what-ifs to cause you doubt about the truth; you already know that they did not care for you, so why do you still care for them? Still desire their love, devotion, validation, and care? Do you not have any self-respect for yourself? Learn to seek them from within and learn to heal the hole in your heart so you can learn to appreciate the special lover coming to you after you heal. Your dream life is creating a beautiful family with a special person and finding solace so you can both work together—to find someone who desires the same workplace and where you can speak all night long about the same subject. Allow your mind to come up with different possibilities about how your life can become beautiful instead of the negative what-ifs. It is causing your mind stress and making it hard for you to let go of this nonexistent loss. They were not the loss, you were. You have lost yourself for this person who does not deserve you. And they have lost someone who had the most mesmerizing heart that would light up anyone’s dreadful days. Become this angel for yourself again.

My love, your last card is the lovers. This was closed off for me before I checked your last card. The lovers is such a beautiful card and is your proof that this person will come only if you heal. Do not force the healing, allow it to come naturally. You must heal yourself, do not damage them as you have done to yourself. Learn to treat yourself with compassion, delicacy, and care. Some of you believe in God but have lost your ways because of them ruining your faith for their sake. Go back to the religion that you once loved and embodied it. It is not wrong to go back and appreciate the religion that gave you peace nor is it wrong to have one. The person whom is coming is absolutely mesmerizing, their heart is like gold and reminds me of those romantic movies that make any person swoon. Their love will make you fully believe you are worthy of natural and soft love. If I were to say it, you would not believe me, nor would you believe your loved ones. That is why you must say it to yourself first and then allow them to say the same.

How has it been affecting you?

Ten of cups.

I have already written how it has been affecting you, however, with the ten of cups this is simply a stronger indication about the beautiful love that will engulf you on a beautiful journey. Ten of cups indicate a fairytale ending with lots of happiness and freedom. The ending of Cinderella keeps coming to my mind and that is the same love that will come to you. This love is so refreshing, I cannot say anymore because it is for you to find out and for me to keep hidden.

How do you let go?

You just have, have you not? I felt your energy shift as I shuffled the ten of cups. You felt the same, did you not? You already knew of this person but needed the confirmation. So, allow me to write you a letter instead.

Dear you,

I am rather proud of you for letting go as you read this pile. To let go that quickly without causing pain to yourself or allowing the doubts to creep in—to allow yourself the freedom you sought for so long and to see this and tell yourself it is time to let go. It is so beautiful and so heartwarming to see. I do not know you personally, nor may I ever, and the same goes for you with me, but if I did, I would hug you, cup your cheeks, and look into your eyes as I whisper that I am proud of you. I cannot explain properly how proud I am of you, but hopefully you can tell by my energy, or perhaps from the texting style of my words? I hope that when this person comes, not only will it truly be a fairytale ending, but that you look back in your past where you were hopeless and broken by your ex—that you wish that your past self a thank you for moving forward despite it all and getting far as where you are right now. And to always remember them by the things they enjoyed before it was ruined by the image of your ex and instead of disgust now, it is something to be cherished. I truly hope you find peace each day moving forward, and I hope love comes to you in unexpected ways.

Yours truly,

Sefina.

Masterlist.

Pile IV.

What do you have to let go?

Ace of cups, and the fool reversed.

I know that you are happy with the new relationship that has started for you. That you finally found the right person for you who treats you with love and admiration. You believe this is your new beginning, but this is what you must let go. This person is not your new beginning, they are the pain.

They will cause you so much pain that you will feel fear, the same fear that I feel as I channel for you. Love bombing keeps appearing on my mind, this is a manipulation tactic, and some of you have already noticed when they lie but brush it off. You have been hurt so many times and you believe, or have manipulated your mind to believe this person is your future spouse from the endless amount of love piles you read. But they aren't, and they will be your demise. They will leave you with so much unwanted baggage that it will be hard to let go and may lead you to want to let your demons win. A lot of you have tried letting go of this connection in a dream, you keep seeing the same person in your dream. You know them, but you do not at the same time, some type of placebo effect appears to my mind.

Think of a one-sided relationship where a person puts all of this love imaginable, and the same person does the same. But as the relationship evolves, one of them starts to feel resentment for the other, and those feelings add up into a ball of energy, and eventually they harm their lover so they can get rid of those feelings. But it does not work and they still feel hatred. The same can be said for you and this person. It is time to let go of someone who resents you. You did not know them or know them well, but they have been keeping tabs on you and want to make it to the finish line—the finish line being your downfall. I get stalkerish vibes from them. Be careful.

Confirmation: the fool reversed.

The fool reversed in tarot cards indicates chaos, being naïve, trusting the wrong person, being stupid or engaging in stupid and reckless decisions, and having poor judgement. As I said, this person was giving me stalkerish vibes and the same can be said here. I also hear murderous, or an ex-killer. I feel dread around my heart, and I advise you to be very very careful when breaking up with them and to have someone who can protect you to be with you.. please. I keep hearing a dad, so perhaps, if you are close with him, have your father, and if not, a male figure. It will intimidate the person and trigger childlike fear for them (that is, for you to be able to break it out safely).

How has it been affecting you?

VII of pentacles, page of wands, and ace of cups.

It has been mentally exhausting you. On one hand, you know that they have been off-putting, but this is deep within your heart. That part where you cannot allow yourself to be vulnerable. And on the other hand, you are the fool reversed—too trusting for your own good. You cannot trust someone who makes you question the idea of love and if it is a good thing, even if it’s a thought you keep brushing away. And you cannot always be the one putting all the energy into a relationship, always taking the blame for their wrongdoings, and believing that you are the one causing a crime. That is not what a healthy relationship would look like.

This also has been affecting you as they have been triggering you. You have been wondering why you act a certain way with others, and with them, it is almost like you are another person. Someone who bows down for them instantly, but this is not you nor what a relationship should look like. A healthy relationship helps you grow, makes you believe you are worthy of love and care, heals you, makes you feel like an angel, challenges you in a healthy manner, works together to overcome challenges, and allows your childlike nature to escape and feel happiness. You have not felt that once with them, and if you have, you either were gaslighted by them or manipulated yourself for their sake.

You need to talk to someone you trust with all your might about this. A lot of you are already stressed out about them and this toxic relationship of yours. Some of you are already doubting what I am saying to you, and that is fine, but at the same time, this person will say the same but in a different approach because they know you better than I. You got the ace of cups once more.. that is your confirmation once again. These doubts that you have must be let go, and you must take action on them. The energy is so toxic that I had to take a break because I did not want to do your reading. As you already know, I am rather honest, but this pile hurt me internally. Not because there is anything wrong with you in this situation, no, but because of what you are going through and how this so called lover is with you. A part of me simply doesn’t want to keep writing this, just like another part of you wants me to lie and say they are an angel; they are this and they are that, but that would be a lie and I simply would never atone for that. Another part of me is writing it so you can be safe, and that is the part of you that you keep pushing away as said before. You must understand they are not good for you, end of story, my dear.

How do you let go?

Trust your gut feeling and understand those thoughts that arise about them. One of your parts already knows they are not a good person, yet you will not do anything about it. You cannot let go because of the fear and tight relationship they have with you. I see an image of someone choking someone as their legs are not touching the ground. Do not be that person to believe that you can fix this person and they will treat you with love, they are not. They are awful for a reason, and you already know this reason. Your gut feelings know and you keep ignoring it.

III of cups and queen of wands reversed.

Right now, you are struggling to trust yourself about them, and in the beginning of this reading, I spoke about a father and, if not, a male figure. The person you trust most is a male figure, so speak to them about this and learn to trust their words. You also need to learn to have confidence and respect for yourself before you break up. I see you breaking up with them before gaining those, and it doesn’t work out for you.

Masterlist.

[blitz0hno]

The universe has a habit for punishing hero types.

The pure indifference of time’s march forward is punishment enough for most human beings to steer clear of this path. Only one who is equally indifferent, it seems, can survive in such a world.

Maybe it’s the sheer arrogance of one who would try to shield others from the inevitable pains of this world that warrants such punishment. 

And yet, the existence of heroes brings its rewards. Hope, happiness, humanity, and all of those other lovely things that blossom in the presence of a “hero.” The moment something terribly wrong goes suddenly right. The right person, the right time, the right place.

A child running into a busy street, only to be grasped tightly at the last moment.

An old woman and her cat trapped in a house fire, a neighbor rushing into the flames and bringing them out in one piece.

A crowd in panic as an attacker brandishes a weapon, when a pistol responds from the hip of an everyday citizen and prevents innocent casualties (not that the gun nuts who fantasize about that shit are any better than violent people themselves).

I can’t honestly say these feats are short of impressive. Disgustingly aspirational, even, to seem so untouchable in a dire moment. In the back of many people’s minds, no matter how mediocre they truly are, there is an underlying want to “save” others in a grand act of heroism. The desire often begins and ends with the ego. 

The feelings that must come with saving a life, they think, consciously or not. Can anyone truly blame them, when headlines such as “NEIGHBORVILLE ‘SUPERMAN’ STOPS ARMED ROBBERY” fill their minds with praise? 

In actuality, though, if there was no armed robber, Superman would be obsolete out of the gate. And in the presence of an armed robber, most would turn and run, for opportunities for a hero are preceded by the presence of serious danger.

No one wants to be Superman the day after. The paperwork alone has gotta be awful. 

On top of that, between every one Neighborville Superman there are about fifty crooked cops, eighteen bigoted doctors, twenty creepy teachers, and eight Friendlytown Stabbers in any given news cycle.

Those who would drop their fantasy and run (“common” sense is common for a reason, they’ll tell you) save themselves a lot of suffering. Fighting one’s instincts is no easy task, after all.

But I, for one, hate those instincts of mine. They’re overridden, almost involuntarily, by something almost alarming.

A hatred.

I hate humans who cause suffering in others.

Many people are afraid of bullies, and saddened by tragic violence, but seem to reserve their anger for the little things. The incredible racism from their leaders doesn’t spark half the anger as their child dropping and breaking a cup, for example.

When I was a kid, anger reigned freely in my life. The adults around me had no issues with letting such an emotion control them; yet when they would beat me and my siblings, the words that came out of their mouths preached “respect” and “love,” things I grew to discover were much more work than any of them had ever put in.

I knew then that I wanted two things:

I wanted to be strong enough to defend those I love from cruelty.

I therefore wanted the people who inflict cruelty on this planet gone.

What resulted was something I jokingly call a disorganized attachment to love. I’m no sucker, after all; I can’t truly say I believe in the “power” of affection, as nice as it feels. The inevitable severance of that connection with another often gives me pause. I think about fights and breakups and deaths, and cowardly as it may seem I then wish to be completely at peace with myself before risking these losses.

But love is still something I feel. At least, I think it’s love; I feel great pain when I imagine the suffering those in my life will face, and feel great joy at the thought of their happiness.

Is it unreasonable, then, to strive for the capability to protect them?

There are many people who would hurt the ones I love. Am I wrong for wanting those people and the systems that create them eradicated?

I’m undoubtedly foolish to think that a perfect world could exist, or that any action I could take would change things for the better. Then again, if it’s so insignificant but makes the world better to me,  does it matter if I go ahead with it?

Because there are some who, objectively, cause unnecessary suffering on massive scales. Should them and their supporters not then be made examples of? Those who oppress and hurt others for selfish gain would be better off gone. If anyone’s life gets better after the oppressive party is gone, the point will prove itself. 

So why, then, should I expect another to act when I could be capable?

If it’s what I want to pursue, should I not give it my all?

Would anything I do even make a dent? Perhaps it would; then what? Another biased entry in a state-sponsored corporate textbook? Another murdered for challenging the status quo? 

I want a world where it is unacceptable to hurt another human for your own personal gain. I have a problem with those lacking compassion. I have a problem with those who judge and torture others for their differences, and those who hoard wealth while billions starve. 

It’s an intense, overwhelming anger that makes nothing else even seem to matter. We have such a short life on earth and we’re spending it under the thumbs of fuckers just as fragile as us.

Every “hero” is thrown out into a world where, in the time it takes many to save one single life, thousands can be taken. What a punishment indeed.  Carrying this knowledge at the forefront of their mind, they hold those they value most at arm’s length, never letting their guard down. Their sole focus is protection, ever-ready to run towards danger.

So goes the life of the untouchable hero.

[teawithmagician]

To Fuck a Monster

They say that a social psychologist should be off the rails enough to investigate weird things*. I’ve always loved it. Because, first of all, I am a social psychologist. And I am keenly interested in exploring weird stuff.

*That’s not what they literally say, of course. The phrasing is more fancy and proper, but the essence remains.

I like to write kinky smut for my fandoms because sex is a way of non-verbal communication. In modern Western culture, shaped by Christianity (and other Abrahamic religions), sex is still frowned upon. The sexual revolution didn’t help much: we require sexual life to be clean and proper and held to a standard*.

*Mind you, I don’t say this to defend pedophilia or rape. I, for one, believe that we stopped publicly dismembering people for no good reason. That would be a decent punishment for these sorts of crimes**. **That was a dark joke, but I'm not against maxx punishments for these.

I mean weird things we dislike as squicks, as opposed to kinks. They hurt no one, they are consensual, they are just… yucky.

Breeding kink, for instance. A character gets off on the thought of being impregnated, maybe without even desiring to actually have babies. This can be interpreted in a Freudian way, as getting, saving, and nurturing a piece of the Other (who’s also your reflection) inside.

Fluid kinks with bodily fluids everywhere, so you’ll think twice before turning the fluorescent lamp on. Again, this can be interpreted as a Freudian thing, a recognition of what comes out of the Other’s body as good, and treating it as such.

Incest, because it’s gross, but also research shows that incest often happens in dysfunctional families so disconnected from the outside world that they feel only able to seek shelter and protection in each other — a dynamic I like to apply to Warhammer, for instance.

Bodily hair, especially on women. Considering how demonized hairy legs or pubic hair are, inserting them into a sexual scene used to cause a lot of scandals in more conservative fandoms (such as CIS countries' multi-fandom)*.

*God knows I love provoking conservatives.

One doesn’t have to be a kink enjoyer to include conventionally "weird" kinks in their works. But one definitely should know where and which kinks to use, because these sorts of non-verbal communications speak volumes about characters and their psychological issues and/or values.

Why? Because it follows the universal cinematic/literature rule, “show, don’t tell.”

Don’t tell how your character grew to become a parent figure for their tribe, so they can’t separate their sexual identity from the enforced “parental” role. Show it.

— All Uruks must breed and multiply, so we are not wiped from the face of the earth. But you—I will take you for myself.

— Isn’t it selfish to want me only for yourself, to enjoy each other every night? — she whispered in his ear, pressing her body against his, feeling the sweet shudder of his response.

— My life belongs to my children. But even I can desire one of my daughters for myself, — he murmured in reply.

սիրտ, Rings of Power fandom

2. Don’t tell how your character grew up in a dysfunctional family with an absent and emotionally distant father who fostered rivalry between siblings, appointed “favourites,” and did his best to disconnect you from anyone outside, so you could only rely on your blood. Show it.

“I'll kill myself if Father insists we separate,” she says with grim desperation. “I can't live like this. And nobody can make me.”

Horus stiffens, his hold on her tightening. Just the thought of her harming herself scares him. He grabs her chin and forces her to look at him, his demeanor almost dark, a hint of anger in his eyes.

“Don't even say that. If our father wants to separate us, I won't allow it. I won't let him. You're mine, and you are not killing yourself, no matter what he says.”

Tragedy, WH40k fandom

3. Don’t tell how your character is striving to hold their lover close, knowing they will inevitably have to separate. Show it.

“I wish I could have a child with you, like an ordinary woman,” she confesses suddenly. “I can't think of any other way to give myself to you completely.”

He is taken by surprise by her words. He takes a moment to answer, his hand caressing her stomach, his head resting against hers. His voice becomes more vulnerable than usual.

“You know it’s the only thing I can’t give you. You were born from the love between higher beings, but we're Primarchs, the Emperor's heirs. We aren’t supposed to reproduce.”

“Malcador can do something about that,” she says in a suddenly harsh tone. “I don’t care what. I want to carry your seed inside me.”

Tragedy, WH40k fandom

Mind you, I use my fics as examples not because I’m that good. No, I just show how I do it so you can do it better.

But again, why? Because writing sexual scenes is hard, and writing believable sexual scenes is even harder.

I remember once I wrote a very generic smut for Dragon Age — it was a Tabris and Loghain pairing, I think? And I got feedback that it wasn’t exactly out of character, it just didn’t feel… right. It didn’t have zest. It was a pretty generic sexual interaction. It would feel the same if I swapped Loghain with Alistair and Tabris with Alistair’s right hand. Boring and by the book.

Again, sex is communication. And just like a character's personality should be palpable in dialogues, it should be palpable in sexual scenes.

Yet, I advise you to take my words not as a direct guide, but rather as a point to think about. I’m barely an example of brilliant writing, just because I get carried away with my social studies often enough, and like to portray relationships as more problematic than they really are. I like to explore yucky things, and even more, to explore reactions to them. But the ideas stand:

Make your characters true to their lore in both Gen and NC-17

Show, don’t tell

[lightinthesilence]

Quick update and a love letter to the LBRP

Hello! It's been a while. I had been quite a bit more busy than I thought I would have been when I first made this blog, and naturally my work, both mundane and magical, had to come first. However, I do now have a bit of time on my hands. To update everyone, I have also done work with a Sylph and Gnome, which completes the little series I had started to become more familiar with the elements, those posts are coming soon. I do also still plan on continuing my work on the game Clavis Elementorum, I should have a true "dev log" of that a bit later on.

With that said, I have had a lot of time to think about my initial inspiration as to why I wanted to make this game to begin with: "Why make a game that so accurately (I hope) showcases the personalities of the elemental spirits, and the nature of the elements themselves?" And the answer is to help give others who were starting out the same kind of nudge from words on a page to effective practice. I'm not saying my understanding of these things is anything special, but rather that I simply recognize and have recognized in my conversations with other practitioners and aspiring practitioners that some really seem to understand what's 'really going on' versus not, and that I shudder to think how subtle and easily missable the point of it is, since no author I've seen has really given it the detail it deserves, though a lot of them do hint at it. So with all this pretense out of the way, I will showcase these hidden lessons that help to unlock imagery based magic, through the example of the LBRP, but of course what I say applies to any act of magical imagination.

First are the skills required before you can make use of the formula. A lot of times in writing, these skills are obfuscated behind flowery words or trying to force-fit the skills to correspond to the Powers of the Sphinx or whatever else, but this obscures the supreme simplicity of the skills.

The first skill required is focus. This is not simply paying attention to something, nor is it hyping yourself up. This is the focus of preparedness, letting the world fall from around you, to still the mind toward just the task at hand. Many writers describe the LBRP with the magician making their own "Magical Universe". This is a good description in regards to philosophy, but it obscures the practical action of the magician in the circle. The key is in single-edged focus, focus keeps your eye on the goal, it keeps all your mental and spiritual energy directed on the aims of the work you are doing, and without focus, a lot of what you put into any working will not be effective.

The second skill is imagination, or imagery. It is the syntax used to communicate. The purpose of this is to both give form to your focus, and also to set up a place of communication. This is not just communicating with the forces you are working with, but communicating with the parts of yourself who are doing the actual reaching out, to tell the unconscious what you wish to be done. I say that imagination is communication because while at first the main purpose is to give form to your desire and communicate that *to* your unconscious, Higher Self, and the forces you are reaching out to, the other half is to learn to receive these messages through the same canvas of imagination.

The third skill is reaching out, and must be done on every level of the operation. What I mean by reaching out is acknowledging and striving toward the forces you are working with. You should be actively willing yourself to come into contact with the forces you are contacting.

This is how all of this looks within the context of the LBRP

Before starting, you should be in a state of focused concentration. The first task is to stop thinking about what your day was like, or what you're going to do after this, or whatever is not focusing on the imagery you're about to form. This is clearly something easier said than done, and you should take some time before the ritual to put yourself in a more relaxed and focused state. I have found what is best is to first let your thoughts play themselves out, as you sit in the silence and let them naturally fall to a close, moving toward a state of stillness without fighting against the ideas.

Then, when ready, stand facing the East. The first action of the Qabalistic Cross is actually an act of reaching out. You are reaching out to the Source of All Sources, Hypsistos, God Most High, Ein Soph, The One, The Monad. In short, your first action physically is reaching out with your right hand above your head. Imaginably, you are growing, up out of your room, up above the planets, above the stars, breaching into a realm of pure white Light, Standing within the realm of the Empyrean. Before even the first word, your actions are truly embodying the ethos of the Magician, to aspire toward the Highest, and to stand, not grovel, not kneel, in the Presence of The King. (and yet, the path is open and, dare I say, ideal, for those who yet wish to remain in service, the Parable of the Prodigal Son comes to mind for the full proper mindset as far as my path is concerned. The Son returns, willing to be but a servant of the House, but none the less accepts the hug of his Father, and accepts the freely given Inheritance)

Let us take the next segment in whole, and then discuss it. "Atoh, Malkuth. VeGeburah, VeGedulah, LeOlam, Amen." "For Thine, is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, World Without End, So Mote It Be." These words alone are very potent, and of course so is the imagery, the simple thing is to simply construct the Cross in Light, and for some added symbolic attachment, you can of course add the colors of the Sephirotic correspondence, Kether, Malkuth, Geburah, and Chesed, in order.

Of course, the most interesting thing to note after the initial Kabbalistic correspondence is the fact that the placement of Geburah and Gedulah are inverted. This is by design, at least as far as the original makers of this ritual are concerned. If you look at the Etz Chaim, the Tree of Life, you would of course see Chesed on your right, and Geburah on your left, but that is exactly opposite of the truth if you imagine the glyph of the Tree of Life as a mirror image, as the founders of the LBRP would imagine. If you 'back into the tree', to see the Tree as a mirror image of the Self, then you see Gedulah (Chesed) as your left, and Geburah as your right. Certainly, this little part of the ritual can in of itself hold great depth, It is the crossing-point of Highest and Lowest, Kether and Malkuth, and of that other great binary, of Mercy and Severity (of course, this bit on "backing into the tree' is rather unique to the Golden Dawn, if you decide to read some more traditional Kabbalah, you won't see this idea at all. Whether you decide to leave the concept for just Golden Dawn work or not is your decision). This midpoint which is the essence of the Rose-Cross is of itself the Heart of another good ritual, the aptly named ritual of the Rose-Cross, which is the essence of the place of meditation and peace, but that is its own conversation piece.

By the end of the QC, you have touched the Highest and united it back with Materiality. You have touched Strength and Mercy, and have united it all within your Heart. Touch is certainly the key word, because to go beyond a simple tap on the shoulder of these Giants is in of itself the realm of an entire life's work. The QC is a stabilizing factor, its presence at the start and end of the LBRP is to make sure the practitioner is in a stable state before and directly after working with the Elements, it bookends the ritual, as if to make a separate space, to separate the mundane from the magical.

If the QC is about leaving the mundane and entering the magical, the initial setting up of the Circle with Divine Names is laying the foundation of this magical world. You are ridding your Sphere of Sensation from the mundane, imbalanced, impure elements, to then in the next part fill your Sphere with the pure element of each Archangel. Stepping forward, around the altar, to the East corner, with the right hand, whether it be with a tool in hand, or the oft cited "sword mudra", or the sign of the benediction, tracing in the air a Banishing Pentagram while also imagining light blue fire (though also cited is simply white fire) tracing along this pentagram, piercing the center (this time either the same color, or also red light as possible images) and vibrating the Divine Name "YHVH" while imagining the letters glowing brightly in golden light, then repeating after going to the South, keeping the arm held out, tracing the circle in fire, this time with the divine name "Adonai", the West with "Ehyieh" and the North with "AGLA" before returning first to the East station, then back to the Center, facing still East. The blue flame of the Pentagram is to correspond it to the "flame of spirit" that is seen as a representation of the Inner Flame, and it as a symbol is used as a symbol of Spirit within the Golden Dawn tradition. White light is an acceptable substitute, because of its correspondence with purity, Kether, etc. It is a useful substitute if you are using blue within your practice for another correspondence. The red piercing ray corresponds to Geburah, utilizing the restricting quality of the Sephira as a way of pushing away the impure elements.

The next segment is more a matter of invoking than banishing, now calling into yourself the form of the Archangels, who rule and represent the Elements in their most pure and balanced form. What I also find interesting is that with our more common imagery, of imagining each Archangel in robes of their color, with flashing colors, and holding a symbol of their element, we see the Wand and Sword flipped from their usual Golden Dawn correspondence(and usual Tarot suit correspondence), where usually we see Wands with Fire and Swords with Air, it is Raphael who holds an airy Caduceus wand/staff, and Michael holding a fiery Sword. We do see another current, examples being the "Practical Magick" series by David Rankine and Sorita d'Este, and the system of Franz Bardon, which does have this flipped correspondence, of Air with the Wand and Fire with the Sword. This I am not entirely sure what to make of in the grander scheme of things, but I would be remiss to not bring it up. With that wrinkle said, there is a lot of potential that lay within having these Archangels invoked, outside of their purpose in the ritual as heralds of their respective elements.

"Around me flame the pentagram, and within me (or 'in the center column') shines the six-ray-star." This line makes more explicit the whole purpose of the operation. The Pentagram is representative of the microcosm, and the Hexagram that of the macrocosm. In this line, they are inverse, the Microcosm displays itself about you, and the Macrocosm is the shining light within. This is the alchemical operation of the LBRP, You take High and bring the light to the low in the QC, you bring balance on all these levels. The version of the line that says the Central Column invokes the idea of the Middle Pillar in the Kabbalah, and the version that says within me invokes the idea that "The Kingdom of God is Within You" (Luke 17:21).

At this point, this is in essence the birth of a new world, the imbalanced structure of how things were is gone, and now you have laid a new, firm foundation from which to start, whether it be a magical operation, or just the start of your day. This is, frankly, only a summary of my thought on the LBRP, there is of course much more that can be said on the topic, but I think this gives enough of a nudge in the right direction on all the different levels that the ritual may be understood, so that other students of the occult may bring their own thoughts to the discussion.

[mr-saturnnn]

Kennith Simmons's MBTI Explained

Being an ENTJ myself, I decided to check this out why Kennith is an example of ENTJ (Trash Dentist got this MBTI as well).

ENTJ is an often type for villains and usually portrayed as cruel, egoistic, yet strong and confident commanders. These stereotypes are partly true and partly not.

Hope you enjoy reading this article!

Let's look at the personality description first:

"ENTJs are assertive, strategic, and charismatic, often thriving in leadership roles. ENTJs are motivated by achieving goals and solving complex problems, preferring logical analysis and a big-picture outlook. Known for their decisiveness and organizational skills, ENTJs value efficiency and clear structures.

However, their assertive nature may sometimes be perceived as overly dominant or impatient." (source)

Knowing the original plot, we can safely say that Kennith had organized the broadcast intrusion all on his own, and before that, learned the electronics and tech stuff. We don't know the exact info on this but I assume that he is self-taught on that, organizing his free time and self-education in a way that he learned and planned this all on his own.

Kennith had a really small circle of friends with whose he was enough assertive if we remember the story how Kennith quarreled with Stephanie.

ENTJ's strengths include following traits: confident, ambitious, optimistic, strong, sociable.

Kennith is shown to be confident and ambitious towards his audience during the broadcast. Many lines of his tell us about that, including the "Turn the volume up, folks" part in COLORBARS and, again, Kennith's addresses to the audience in Broadcast illusion.

COLORBARS is sung in a pretty optimistic way, showing Kennith's rapture to what is happening: he must be proud of himself for being able to hijack the whole national broadcast, and then just brainwash people across the country and control them for the entire day.

ENTJ's weaknesses include being: stubborn, arrogant, insensitive, egotistical, and also a lack of empathy.

Kennith got his lack of empathy because almost no one had mercy on him throughout the life. Of course he wouldn't feel sorry to people who hurt him. This affected his broadcast intrusion, and it's just a reason why he did that. He acted egotistic since he wanted to feel own self-importance for once, and he put himself in the first place, especially according to the Broadcast Illusion's lyrics.

Stubbornness is a trait of an every day life. Kennith strives to achieve things and get what he wants because he needs to prove that he's worth it. He has a low self-esteem but he wants to stop his suffer. He actually knows that he's better and above than all this.

Now, let's talk about the four primary functions of ENTJ, which are Extraverted Thinking, Introverted Intuition, Extraverted Sensing, and Introverted Feeling. (Te – Ni – Se – Fi)

Extraverted Thinking (Te) is a judging (decision-making) function that focuses on objective, logical criteria. Kennith draws conclusions using critical thinking to analyze things. Also it's useful in tech. Also, this dominant function is the primary aspect of personality.

Introverted Intuition (Ni) means to reach conclusions without having a clear idea as to how they got there. People with this function take patterns from the past experience and base their opinion or strategy on this. We may notice that Kennith never forgets his old experience, and he remembers too much from his past.

Extraverted Sensing (Se) means a desire to act. Se wants to learn through experiencing. This is basically how Kennith educated himself throughout life. He needs to experience, to practice first to discover something new. This is why Kennith is realistic and empiric.

Introverted Feeling (Fi) means to be exceptionally in touch with their emotions. Fi weighs inner life and feelings before making decisions. As for me, there's a storm of emotions inside of Kennith, he lives and feels everything with his sentiments. He is sensitive to the other's inner changes. Kennith easily perceives it.

Conclusion: ENTJ gives a strong personality which loves to do everything organized and structured. No wonder why Kennith was able to hijack the national broadcast, and he succeed. Both his personal traits and his past affected this action. His character is multi-faceted, he's able to perceive the world around with both logic and feelings. He finds the balance between his sentiments and his critical thinking. Kennith clearly knows himself regardless of his low self-esteem which has grown after his achievements. Deep inside, Kennith values his work and assess his real strength and capabilities.

As an ENTJ myself, I really relate to Kennith, and we share almost all traits at this point. I can track his way of thinking, the way he acts. I find this nice, and it lets me to discover this amazing character even better.

According to my experience, ENTJs are usually awkward towards their inner feelings. Most of the time logic is above feelings, however we need a lot of work to explore ourselves deeply. I got to understand the inner emotional side of myself only during latter years. Kennith is around of my age so it makes sense too.

Please, tell me if you need more characters' MBTIs explained!

[aressida]

Old entry: My entry: "QDiary: It all starts with ourselves." - Aressida. 31.5.19.

When you are born, the world hands you stories.

A long history of words that are meant to create you. Burn them. And write your own truth. Or you could also not live according to any stories and really be free. You choose. It is your own destiny.

In order to properly release any parts of yourself that you no longer resonate with, you must understand the root cause of these behaviors.

I do not know if you need to learn to yourself first or not, but if you cannot love yourself also, your heart is not yet fully open. Love yourself where you are right now, stop beating yourself up for not being where you want to be yet.

Stop comparing yourself to others who seem to be in the position you see yourself in and desire. Appreciate this specific part of your journey, right here and now. You are not failing because you are not there yet. you need these lessons you are getting right now, you need these setbacks.

The knowledge you are gaining right now will deepen into wisdom with time. There is no need to rush. You are anxious because you can sense your future. You know what is around the corner, waiting for you, you can feel it and it feels good and you want that feeling to be tangible and real.

It is coming.

Do nightmares make us feel vulnerable or does feeling vulnerable give us nightmares?

Just because you got thrown off the path does not mean that it is not part of the path.

The mind creates confusion with words and illusion blocking the truth. The ego tries to see only what is lacking and demands more.

The heart is wiser and stronger. It knows what is and what is not and accepts both equally as a gift.

This is where the true reprogramming and healing yourself begins. Life is hard enough. Wish only for people to be happy. Including yourself.

As you improve yourself, you may meet people who tell you that you are already perfect. They are not wrong, but this is not your reality. You still have toxic cycles, negative emotions, unhealed wounds, generational curse, bad tendencies, and so on.

Be realistic and face yourself.

You are growing in ways you do not realize yet. You are all overcoming. You are being pushed out of your comfort zone to step into your truth. It is all about evolving. It is all about letting go and allowing change to take place.

It all starts with ourselves.

When we heal ourselves: -We heal the collective. -We heal the planet. -We heal all those that we are connected to. -We heal our ancestors and our generational karma. -We heal the future versions of ourselves as well as the past.

If the love you give does not facilitate your growth, then it is time to reevaluate your self-talk and habits. If the love you receive does not help you to grow and expand, Then it is time to reevaluate the people who you surround yourself with.

Love always invites you to embrace the highest thoughts about yourself. To understand your true value, you have to look deep within yourself.

Be easy on yourself as you are healing. Accept things as they are in the present as you strive to change yourself. Until we heal our wounds, honor the inner child, acknowledge our insecurities, accept the darkest parts of ourselves, we will continue to be held down.

Keep breathing through it all. Everything will make sense soon.

We are all alchemists transmuting our own consciousness.

So much of my writing consists of the deep pain I have experienced throughout my life. This is how I heal. I dive into the depths of the pain because of how much lighter and wiser I become once I rise from the ashes once more.

I am always reminded of how guided I am. I am what the Universe created me to be.

Dear Universe, I wanna take a minute, not to ask for anything from you. But simply to say thank you, for all I have.

Never let people’s negative thoughts about you hinder you from accomplishing what God put in your heart.

Dare to dream and dare to live it.

[kristinemurillo-portfolio]

Desiderata

Desiderata, a prose poem written in the 1920s, is a brief yet inspirational and motivating literary work. The theme of the poem may sound like an all-in-one life advice. The word ‘Desiderata’ translated from Latin means ‘things desired.’ The poem talks about how to achieve an authentic and carefree lifestyle. In an article posted on medium.com, the poem tells us that all the things mentioned in the poem are what our souls and our hearts desire.

The author starts off with a demand, “go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.” Placidly came from the Latin word ‘placidus,’ which means calm and gentle. Placidly means quiet and serene. The author tells us to continue living our lives in quietness and serenity. The author does not give a requesting tone due to the fact that it is not easy to live in serenity in this chaotic world. It is hard to find and claim peace. He acknowledges the troubles that we encounter in life by saying that we are in the midst of noise and haste. No doubt, we are indeed surrounded by challenges and trials that make a serene lifestyle seem unreachable. In each line, he acknowledges that there are indeed hindrances before we can accomplish these goals. 

People can be unkind and unsettling, but as much as possible, treating people with kindness and being on good terms with them. Humans are not perfect; thus, some might seem dull and ignorant, as said in the poem, but all have our problems and troubles. He acknowledges that these worries may affect how we treat other people because you don’t know what they might be going through inside them. However, bad treatment cannot be justified by how heavy a person’s problems may be, so it is best to avoid aggressive people because they may ruin your spirit. 

In the next sentences, he stated things that we should do and what not to do. People should stop comparing themselves to other people because you may find something in them that you do not possess, and it will only cause bitterness or vanity. The author then advises us to enjoy the achievements and those soon to be achieved. It is best to know yourself for you to be able to maintain interest in your own field or career. However, no matter how passionate or how great we may be in our field, we must let our feet touch the ground and become humble people. Humility is a timeless and eternal possession.

The real world is full of scams and trickery, which is why the author stated to become cautious in our business affairs. We need to possess principles and stick to them no matter what temptation comes into our lives. We should not become people who are blinded by their goals to achieve more and not be contented with what they have. The author advises ‘be yourself,’ but this does not include one’s habits and bad traits. This advice tells us that we should become the best version of ourselves and become authentic and unpretentious. 

He also advised in his poem to spend and value time wisely. We must be graceful in surrendering the things of youth. We must also have healthy thinking, for these dark imaginations may cause loneliness and lead us to darkness. In the end, he gives a conclusion: strive to be happy. The qualities of life he advised before this sentence do not take away happiness but rather give us a way.

The words in the poem were simple yet harmonious. The words fall on a cause-and-effect paradigm. Some passages are direct, and some are not. Coherence-wise, the poem is coherent by starting off with advice regarding interpersonal relationships before advising for intrapersonal affairs. It is, overall, a very inspiring and motivational poem. It pushes a reader to start now and plan the best for their life to live in serenity. 

[imaginesyphilishappy]

Everybody has a different culture, yet living in the US I've often heard people say this same phrase, especially in the last year. And let me tell you, I'm so sick of hearing it from my countrypeople. I'm sick of hearing people who peacefully live under state law enforcement that murder unarmed people for fun, that peacefully live under a for profit healthcare system that by neglect kills many thousands of people annually, that live peacefully in a country where 4 people die every day waiting for a kidney on the organ donor waiting list, that peacefully live in a country where 1 in 3 black boys born today can expect to go to prison and be worked for free labor, that live peacefully under a regime where nearly $900 billion, half of the country's discretionary budget, is spent on military operations, many of which lead to the uncountably many innocent people killed by air raids across the Middle East, that live peacefully in a country where more than 50% of trans youth considered suicide last year, that live peacefully in a country where COVID killed over a million people, I'm sick of hearing them look at a Russian invasion of Ukraine and then telling me that being a pacifist is a privilege. This is where we mock the Swiss for not sending enough guns to Ukraine. This, This! This is where we must compromise on our stance that life is sacred and must be valued, this is where I must betray myself, my deepest conviction that violence won't ultimately accomplish the good world I strive for, because anything else, they tell me, would be privilege. And this is exactly why war no longer makes any sense. There was a time when a group of people had to weigh the cost of a war, if they did not go to battle they would not have enough food for the winter. Yet if they did, they risked their own lives, the lives of their brethren, and the lives of their would-be enemies. But today we have enough food to feed the whole world with plentitude, yet an economy that won't distribute the food quite so magnanimously. Our greatest foes today, our real problems, the ones that kill millions every year and leave us broken, sick, tired, frustrated, and alone, they cannot be destroyed by a column of tanks or intercepted by a ground to air missile. And when we do decide, in our nationalistic fervor, our desire to protect national sovereignty and to fight against injustice, that it's time to try using tanks, who's to say we won't be the ones finding ourselves standing in a field in Ukraine, or Iraq, or Libya, a gun in our hand and a dead child at our feet, wondering which side was even the right side to be on.

Because we did that in my country, not too long ago, where we decided it was only just to invade the country of Iraq, and we brought many other countries with us. Nowadays, most adults will tell you that Bush's decision to kill a million Iraqis was a bad idea, and that they never supported this kind of waste of resources, but history tells us a different tale. History tells us (see figure below) we're never objective in the face of the fearmongering Western press.

Pew Research Center

So when we honestly think about why sending weapons to Ukraine stirs so much of our fervor, but stopping weapon sales to Saudi Arabia while they commit genocide in Yemen doesn't raise our heartrate, let's remember that the monsters in our contemporary world are rarely stopped by tanks and artillery, yet today's monsters are almost always wielding tanks and artillery. I'll end with this quote by one of my favorite privileged pacifists: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

Friendly reminder that being a pacifist is a privilege

[song-review-sb19]

The Magical World of SB19

SB19 is a Pinoy-pop group of five members: Josh, Pablo, Stell, Ken, and Justin. The group debuted on October 26, 2018, with their song, "Tilaluha." In this blog, we will be exploring the works of SB19 as we review some of their songs, starting with their debut. Let us get into the magical world of SB19 and discover its masterpieces.

Tilaluha

Let's start with the group's debut song, Tilaluha. Tilaluha is a combination of the words "tila," meaning stop, and "luha," meaning tears. The title of this song basically means "no more tears." Their fandom (A'tin) named this song "panganay," meaning "oldest," symbolizing that it is the first song that was released by the group. I must say that the lyrics of the song piqued my interest. Tilaluha is a heavy song that expresses the grief of a person over his or her past love. It also expresses the desire of a person to heal and forget or lessen the pain of his/her past love. I believe that we cannot easily forget or remove a person that has been a part of our life because we once shared ourselves with them; the only thing we can do is heal and reminisce about the memories of the past without pain and tears anymore.

MV Link: https://youtu.be/9Fqszuma1zQ

Love Goes

Love Goes. This powerful title already conveys the message of the song, which is about the continuous love of a person for his or her lover. The song expresses the undying feelings of a person towards his or her lover who has passed away. Technically, it means that the love goes on even though the person is not physically here on Earth. That person may be gone forever, but the memories and his or her presence will stay here forever. For me, the song is very beautiful and meaningful as it tells of the capacity of humans to love unconditionally and undyingly. Love is beautiful. It is your choice to continue loving someone even if he or she has already passed away, but I think you should be prepared to let him or her go to peaceful rest. On the bright side, you can continue to love someone even after you've let them go and accepted that he or she will not return.

MV Link: https://youtu.be/FPI79-pkjRc

Go Up

How could I forget this song when it is the reason behind the group's popularity? Let us welcome "Go Up." This song is also categorized as the fandom's "anthem" because the story behind it brought the fandom and the group together. Go Up is an upbeat song that tells the story of a person striving to achieve his or her dreams. Truly, it is never easy to reach your dreams, you have to work for them, even if working for them means going through obstacles and hardships. Achieving your dreams is not something you can do in one day. It takes effort, sleepless nights, sacrifices, and determination. The song is close to the heart of the fandom because it was supposed to be the last straw for the group. SB19 was nearing disbandment when they released this song. Luckily, they did not give up and took their last chance to reach their dreams. The risk they took for this song has now paid off, especially now that the group has just finished their first-ever world tour.

MV Link: https://youtu.be/WRfhzWaiQvk

Ikako

Ikako, from the words "Ikaw" and "Ako," is a motivational song that was released by the group during the pandemic. The pandemic brought changes to our lives, and we were never prepared for them. This song wishes to convey that we should not let the pandemic get the best of us. Nothing is impossible as long as we have each other's back. The song also placed importance on using our time wisely and using our experiences from the past to be a better version of ourselves. We should not dwell on the past. If we did something wrong, then do better next time, because the worst thing we can do is make the same mistake again.

MV Link: https://youtu.be/sCQqXGUvCk4

Mana

Mana, named after the mythical creature "Manananggal" from the Philippines, is another powerful song from the band. Just like a "manananggal," who splits their body in half during the night, Mana is the group's reminder that even though they already flew high and achieved their dreams, they would still keep their feet on the ground. You can't get to where you're going if you don't first look back. This statement is powerful as we should not be content with what we have right now; we should also look back at where we came from because we would not have been able to achieve what we have at the moment if not for the experiences of the past. It is also a reminder to be humble because no matter how far you've come, you will still come back to where you came from. What makes this song unique is that aside from the given message, it also shows the hypocrisy of Filipinos. We do not appreciate or know someone if they still haven't achieved something or proven themselves; we will only look up to them and praise them once they are already on top. This is very personal for the group, as they were criticized, judged, and not supported by their own nation when they were still starting as a group. Not until they were already popular did the people respect them and look up to them.

MV Link: https://youtu.be/_cAL8kc5i40

MAPA

From the words "Mama" and "Papa," MAPA is an emotional and heartfelt song from the group. The song expresses the gratitude, appreciation, and love of a child toward his/her parents. Growing up in different families, we may have differences in how we perceive our families and parents, but regardless of that, MAPA unites its listeners and makes sure to let them feel the love and comfort of their parents. From the lyrics of the song up to its melody and tone, the overall combination of the components used in the song made it memorable and unforgettable.

MV Link: https://youtu.be/DDyr3DbTPtk

What❓️

What? is a powerful song that was released by the group on March 9, 2021. The song features individual empowerment: raising their flags, being who they are, standing up for themselves, and improving themselves to be better. What? generally empowers people to raise their own flags, conquer the world, and show who they really are. As we have learned, it can be difficult to be true to ourselves when we are afraid of being judged by others. We tend to comply with their needs and standards, but in the process of doing so, we end up forgetting ourselves. Everyone is different; we cannot force someone to act in a certain way; all we can do is respect their differences and approach them nicely if what they did was wrong in order for them to change their behavior and improve themselves.

MV Link: https://youtu.be/OAww-qrSnPs

Overall, the versatility of SB19's works is undeniable. We saw from just a few of their works that they do not just create music for a living; they create music to inspire and give hope to their listeners. Adding to these, their harmony and teamwork as a group make their songs top-tier and remarkable. Their parts are equally divided and distributed based on each member's capacities, thus making their songs pleasing and impactful to their listeners and viewers.

[fidei]

How can Christ be followed?

From a sermon of St Caesarius of Arles

When the Lord tells us in the Gospel that anyone who wants to be his follower must renounce himself, the injunction seems harsh; we think he is imposing a burden on us. But an order is no burden when it is given by one who helps in carrying it out.

  ‘Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Christ.’ To what place are we to follow Christ if not where he has already gone? We know that he has risen and ascended into heaven: there, then, we must follow him. There is no cause for despair – by ourselves we can do nothing, but we have Christ’s promise. Heaven was beyond our reach before our Head ascended there, but now, if we are his members, why should we despair of arriving there ourselves? Is there any reason? True, many fears and afflictions confront us in this world; but if we follow Christ, we shall reach a place of perfect happiness, perfect peace, and everlasting freedom from fear.

  Yet let me warn anyone bent on following Christ to listen to Saint Paul: “One who claims to abide in Christ ought to walk as he walked.” Would you follow Christ? Then be humble as he was humble; do not scorn his lowliness if you want to reach his exaltation.

  Human sin made the road rough but Christ’s resurrection levelled it; by passing over it himself he transformed the narrowest of tracks into a royal highway. Two feet are needed to run along this highway; they are humility and charity. Everyone wants to get to the top – well, the first step to take is humility. Why take strides that are too big for you – do you want to fall instead of going up? Begin with the first step, humility, and you will already be climbing.

  As well as telling us to renounce ourselves, our Lord and Saviour said that we must take up our cross and follow him. What does it mean to take up one’s cross? Bearing every annoyance patiently. That is following Christ. When someone begins to follow his way of life and his commandments, that person will meet resistance on every side. He or she will be opposed, mocked, even persecuted, and this not only by unbelievers but also by people who to all appearances belong to the body of Christ, though they are really excluded from it by their wickedness; people who, being Christians only in name, never stop persecuting true Christians. These are among the members of the Church like evil humours in the body. If you want to follow Christ, then, take up his cross without delay. Put up with evil ones, do not be overcome by them.

  If you want to follow Christ, then, take up his cross without delay. Endure injuries, do not be overcome by them. If we would fulfil the Lord’s command: “If anyone wants to be my disciple, let him take up his cross and follow me,” we must strive with God’s help to do as the Apostle says: “As long as we have food and clothing, let this content us.” Otherwise, if we seek more material goods than we need and desire to become rich, we may fall prey to temptation. The devil may trick us into wanting the many useless and harmful things that plunge people into ruin and destruction. May we be free from this temptation through the protection of our Lord.

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

[liyuesbian]

✧ pygmalion!au [ningguang]

notes: btw idk how commissions from museums work i just made the process up LMAO and this one's kinda angsty? i mean, it is the pygmalion greek myth so iykyk. also, i describe this figurine of ningguang here but w/o the colour... i've linked it in case any1 needs the reference. (btw, this is not set in ancient greece specifically)

only yesterday had you been commissioned by an art gallery in the capital to create a piece for their up-and-coming collection titled desire, love and identity. yet here you are, slaving away to make the perfect image you had in your head come into fruition. your vision is exquisite once sketched on paper—you can't find any faults in it so you take the risk.

as soon as your chisel meets the marble, a feeling so invigorating dominates your body. no further references are necessary as you place your trust entirely on your hands, coarse from the labour. you find such mindless toil addicting and you work day and night, only stopping for a half-baked meal and the odd collapse into bed.

for months, love streams out of the tips of your fingers and through your sculpting tools to arrive at the stone figure. you sincerely hope the intimate emotion has been reached.

when you finish, you wipe the bead of sweat running down your forehead, rest the other palm on your hip and take slow steps backwards all while maintaining eye contact with the statue. a wave of sweet relief hits you and you fall to the floor, uncontrollably sobbing into tired hands that still grip the hammer and chisel.

it's beautiful.

you stagger, struggling to get up with your bruised knees while clumsily wiping the tears off your stained cheeks. setting the instruments aside, you lift your head to admire your handiwork up close. a woman made of stone sits elegantly atop an oriental chair, crossing her smooth, white legs over each other. her left elbow is propped on the arm of the chair while on the other side, a long smoking pipe is balanced between gloved fingers. around her lies an assortment of objects: a vase containing scrolls, a floor lamp, and a charmingly decorated folding screen.

you see, you had already thought it all out. you'd imagined ningguang's preferences for a life of luxury, her affinity for constructing and sprucing up interiors. she would be a master of the trades and a woman who likes to keep an air of mystery around her. and like how you increasingly project her to be more of a person than she ever will be, there is a creeping concern in the corner of your mind that you will lose your rationality just as quickly.

the sculpture's body is clad in a qipao with a slit that reveals alabaster skin below the waist. the dress—embellished with patterns and neat linings—hugs her figure and shows off a lean build. the extensive train and sleeves of the fabric are shaped curvaceously to mirror the flow of a waterfall. and her face. the section you strived so hard to refine. she stares at you with an imperious expression and a hint of a smirk. her gaze, so piercing, makes you avert your eyes in shyness but you find yourself gravitating back to her profile.

you muster up the courage to draw closer to your creation and unconsciously stroke her cheek with your thumb, captivated. if she were an empress, you'd be a common peasant—undeserving of setting your sights on such a goddess. you can feel your soul being sucked into eyes devoid of emotion—of anything, actually. after all, the woman sitting before you is not a person but an inanimate object.

the weeks following the completion of ningguang—which is the name you've picked up the habit of calling her—are spent in said lady's company. every minute of every day, you surround yourself with her presence as if she is your closest friend. you eat with her, tell her your troubles, even going so far as to decorate her with various types of jewellery and bringing her gifts you think she'd like.

"thank you," you whisper. "for always listening to me." in truth, you're always so immersed in your work that you forgot what conversations could feel like. though, you fear your art would never be on par with something so transcendent ever again.

you become curious, wondering what she would be like if the nymph in front of you were not just a figment of your imagination.

you perch yourself on top of ningguang's stone-cold lap and trace the contours of her visage. you inspect each crease on her lips and the minuscule crinkles in her eyes, applauding yourself for the well-crafted details. you don't know what possesses you but you close your eyes and press your lips against hers, hoping that once you open them, a living being would erupt from underneath the marble. but, of course, as soon as the light hits your retinas, ningguang is as unmoving as ever.

realising what you've just done, you drop off of her thighs and laugh anxiously. however, you could've sworn that you had felt warmth in the lips of your beloved muse.

"i've finally gone mad!" you cry aloud.

hell, you say to yourself, is it even possible to fall in love with such an... an artefact? you dismiss your glaringly obvious infatuation.

"nonsense," you mutter under your breath, sensing your heart breaking slightly. how can something so painfully humanlike also not be human at the same time? you must've caused a tremendous atrocity in your past life to have made the gods harbour a grudge against you. of all things, you'd never have guessed that a lifeless piece of art would be the object of your desire.

you can't bear to look at the handcrafted lady any longer and with an anguished face, cover her with a large cotton cloth. the plan was to wait until you could hand the statue over to the curators and try to ignore its existence until then.

for a few days, you act according to the plan, going about your daily routine but eventually, your stoic demeanour crumbles. you lock yourself in your room refusing to eat or believe that your affection would never be returned.

during the hours of sunlight, you weep under your sheets, drowning in self-inflicted sorrow. and at night, you do the same, lamenting over the loss of what could've been your true love. she would've been so perfect in your eyes, your other half, and the only one who could calm this growing turmoil!

the reality pains you. hence, you do the only thing you can do: you pray. you pray to the gods for a miracle, that the light of your life would stride into your room and pull you from the depths of despair... but she never does.

your last day "cohabitating" with the sculpture has arrived and for the first time in—what felt like—an eternity, you open the doors to your workshop. taking a deep breath, you unveil the stationary maiden.

it's still as beautiful as you remember.

you give it a sad smile, wanting to get its departure over and done with. you manoeuvre about the room to prepare the things for the movers who're due to come in a couple of hours. while you go down your little list of errands to be done, you cough and bat away the smoke—wait, the smoke? frantic, you spin around, eyes darting everywhere in search of its origin until they land on the smoking pipe you so intricately moulded for the commissioned piece.

it's strange, you don't recall colouring the statue. and how on earth is smoke coming out of the pipe? suspicious, you approach the motionless entity and almost stumble when you spot its chest rising.

oh lord! — i really must be descending into madness! you clutch your head, clawing at your hair in hysteria.

"stop, please don't hurt yourself." the sound of a low, worried voice penetrates your ears. you shut your eyes tight.

"no, the gods have cursed me! i mustn't listen to your poisonous words!" you exclaim. your state of agitation is alleviated when the woman caresses your tensed arm.

"what has happened to you? i haven't seen you lately either." the tone is more soft and more tender than you had imagined. you release your grip.

"is it really you, ningguang?" your voice cracks at the end, and the woman you sought after witnesses your features twist into an expression of longing and hope.

"yes, my darling. i dare not go anywhere else."

helplessly, you rush to cup her face to check for heat, for the blood traversing under her skin—anything that would prove that your sweetheart is truly alive and breathing. and when you do get the confirmation, you beam, trying to withhold tears born from elation.

you bend down to kiss ningguang, who is still seated on the chair, once, twice, and three times to rid your scepticism. oh, deities! she's real.

"i love you," you declare.

"i know." you watch as the same creases you'd etched on the corners of her eyes spread into a loving half-moon shape and you kiss her again.

you reach a conclusion: you couldn't give away your lover—let alone a live person—to be displayed as part of a museum exhibition so when the workers arrive, you hide your muse away in another room. you apologise profusely and spin a lie, rambling on about how you had nothing to relinquish for the piece you had prepared had been oh-so-viciously stolen by a mob of trespassers!

the movers share with you their sympathies and ask what the work of art looks like and maybe they could sort something out with the authorities. nodding, you recount—so ardently—the details of your divine maiden. you feel heat rush to your face, chuckling when you realise that you'd run your mouth for too long.

in response to this, the two labourers exchange dubious looks as they peer at the static sculpture standing in the middle of the studio—its appearance unmistakably matching your elaborate description.

[funkymbtifiction]

6 vs 9

Thank you for answering my question on Ni and worrying!

I have debated on 6 vs. 9 before, but I’m pretty sure I’m a 9.

Not sure if you want an answer or not, but why not? I’ve got time. ;)

I do see 6 aspects in myself:

Lots of self-doubt and over-thinking. I take commissions as an artist and usually I’m excited to hear about a new commission but then get worried and think I won’t be able to do it / won’t do a good enough job. <- if you are a 9, this could just be your line to 6 and general anxiousness about doing a good job per your (I assume) 1 wing.

Being indecisive when anxious and wanting someone to tell me what to do/solve my problem. <- Hmm, I haven’t talked to my 9 core friends about this a lot, but I do notice some of them consult me in a “this is happening!!!” way and I give them suggestions on what to do, so… I’d say 9s will consult people they trust if they don’t know what to do. Also, did you decide on INFP? If so, indecisiveness is Ne.

I tend to plan for the worst/expect the worst (but hope for the best). <- Pessimism is a human condition. xD

I don’t project, though - I do worry that people may not like me, but I don’t test them to find out if that is the case and I always blame myself for it (i.e if they don’t like me it must be because I’m boring or weird or not emotionally reactive enough). <- I used to do this way more when I was young. I’d send an e-mail, get anxious if I didn’t get a normal prompt response, comb back over what I said searching for anything that might have upset them, and feel anxious for no reason assuming someone is mad at me. I would send out little feelers to see what was going on – quick texts or notes in a friendly tone to see if that generated a response. Now I just assume, when that anxiousness kicks in, that as adults, we’re all busy. But self-blaming is a condition of Fi, and not related to Enneagram type, IMO.

Also, I don’t provoke people to examine reactions. In fact I hate conflict (the classic “raised voices = yelling” 9 issue is true for me; in 95% of arguments I’m the peacemaker trying to find middle ground between other people). <- with me, it depends. I have zero problems with conflict at home or arguing with my parents / family members, but the less I know you and the less I trust you, the more I don’t want to fight with you. It’s true, though, that I have that bratty 6w7 energy that sometimes provokes to get a rise out of my loved ones, which my mother (a 1w9) absolutely hates. It’s hard to shut off, but I try for her sake. Course my father is quarrelsome too, so we’re like a tempest in a teapot sometimes.

I also don’t see many positive 6 aspects in myself:

The ability/desire to build connections and make a security system. <- Interesting. My security is my bank account and having a few people I can count on. It’s not stalking up my pantry, for sure. *cough * weak Si, like what kinds of foods even go together? *cough* Though I work very hard in my family business so we can all thrive, which is a security of its own.

Being loyal to friends and checking in with them to make sure we’re “okay” (I never do this barring an actual argument or something - mostly I ghost people; loyalty is not my strong suit!) <- This is very true of me. If anyone picks on any of my friends, I will get offended and fiercely defend them (even if I have criticisms of them myself). And I do like to stay connected as an extrovert. But following up what I said above, I don’t try to build super close connections as much as I did when I was younger. I’ve realized people have their own lives, and you’re lucky to get their attention at all. But I don’t ghost people. I used to stay in very immediate contact with them.

I feel very little need to connect with other people. My friends are basically my family and in-laws -  about 10 people who I truly trust and would do anything for. I don’t really want more people-related responsibilities. <- lucky little sp-dom introvert. ;) Though I can somewhat relate. More people means more energy going out, and I spend so much of it on my books and hobbies, I don’t have a lot left over. I was laughing with a fellow sp-dom INFP just yesterday about how we are both like “OMG, I have SOCIAL events in October, 5 of them!! I’m going to be so busy!!! Will it be too much???” Chill, girl. They’re interspersed over weeks. Stop over-thinking “invasions of my time!”

Meanwhile, I have many positive and negative 9 attributes:

The core problem of 9, apathy, is a BIG problem for me. Many problems in my life have been caused by not acting, by waiting too long in hopes that the problem will go away, by riding along on easy work (even if it is work I love and is worth doing) and not doing the hard work that would lead to the achievements I really want to make (writing a novel, etc.). I’m not a lazy/apathetic person in general - I can (and do) work extremely hard (I run my own art business and working 12+ hours a day is typical for me). But it’s a mental apathy issue, the quailing at mentally facing hard tasks and ending up doing small easy things that soothe me. <- aww, tho I relate to procrastinating. Being around 9s, it kind of amuses me to watch you self-soothe. Like, shouldn’t you be studying for your math final and not reorganizing the bathroom cabinets? And it seems like 9s can drag their feet even when it’s important until they decide to do it, then nothing stands in their way.

Other 9 aspects/problems I can see in myself:

Being vague - not knowing what I really want and getting frustrated by not having a clear vision of what to do. <- yeah, that’s 9ish.

Suppressing anger and other “negative” emotions because of seeking inner peace/blankness. And if I do express anger (usually in a burst under stress) I feel guilty about it. <- 1 wing, yeah.

Setting up walls between other people and myself because I can’t deal with their emotions. I don’t struggle with the intense kind of “merging” described by many 9s, but I think that might be because I’m Fi-dom and probably sp-dom. But it is still exhausting to handle the emotions, opinions, etc. of many people for long periods of time. <- I need to ask my 9w8 INFP more about this specifically, but I don’t know that she fully merges so much as prematurely (sp-dom) throws up a barrier and says Nope to things, in hopes of avoiding other people creeping into her feelings. And yeah, she finds being around especially temperamental or high energy people difficult, since it’s such a bombardment of drama + her own intense reactions.

Tolerating behavior I don’t like for too long because “they might have good intentions.” Thinking positively of people because believing the worst of them feels mean. <- same for me, Ne + compliant type issues.

I have very strong opinions but I don’t like to argue with other people. I tend to believe that if the truth exists, other people will be drawn to it without my twisting their arm and making them see it. <- that’s nice of you and very healthy Fi-dom. I … will absolutely argue up to a point, then decide it’s not worth my time and pointless.

My motto (good and bad) is often “Let’s wait and see if things improve.” <- haha.

Also, although I do struggle with 6ish self-doubt, when it comes down to it I trust my gut and believe that I know what is best for myself. People can give me advice and I’ll nod and thank them but inside I’m thinking “You don’t know me!” In general I am (or at least appear and strive to be) a cheerful, emotionally stable, positive person. So… I still think 9 gets more points. But honestly, this is one of those things that makes me believe in tritypes because I relate a lot to both of them! Thank you for reading all of this!

Go with your gut. Be a happy little 9. :)

ETA: Regarding relating to them both -- of course you do, 6 is your stress line, so it will show up regularly. ;)

[whitehotharlots]

The point is control

Whenever we think or talk about censorship, we usually conceptualize it as certain types of speech being somehow disallowed: maybe (rarely) it's made formally illegal by the government, maybe it's banned in certain venues, maybe the FCC will fine you if you broadcast it, maybe your boss will fire you if she learns of it, maybe your friends will stop talking to you if they see what you've written, etc. etc. 

This understanding engenders a lot of mostly worthless discussion precisely because it's so broad. Pedants--usually arguing in favor of banning a certain work or idea--will often argue that speech protections only apply to direct, government bans. These bans, when they exist, are fairly narrow and apply only to those rare speech acts in which other people are put in danger by speech (yelling the N-word in a crowded theater, for example). This pedantry isn't correct even within its own terms, however, because plenty of people get in trouble for making threats. The FBI has an entire entrapment program dedicated to getting mentally ill muslims and rednecks to post stuff like "Death 2 the Super bowl!!" on twitter, arresting them, and the doing a press conference about how they heroically saved the world from terrorism. 

Another, more recent pedant's trend is claiming that, actually, you do have freedom of speech; you just don't have freedom from the consequences of speech. This logic is eerily dictatorial and ignores the entire purpose of speech protections. Like, even in the history's most repressive regimes, people still technically had freedom of speech but not from consequences. Those leftist kids who the nazis beheaded for speaking out against the war were, by this logic, merely being held accountable. 

The two conceptualizations of censorship I described above are, 99% of the time, deployed by people who are arguing in favor of a certain act of censorship but trying to exempt themselves from the moral implications of doing so. Censorship is rad when they get to do it, but they realize such a solipsism seems kinda icky so they need to explain how, actually, they're not censoring anybody, what they're doing is an act of righteous silencing that's a totally different matter. Maybe they associate censorship with groups they don't like, such as nazis or religious zealots. Maybe they have a vague dedication toward Enlightenment principles and don't want to be regarded as incurious dullards. Most typically, they're just afraid of the axe slicing both ways, and they want to make sure that the precedent they're establishing for others will not be applied to themselves.

Anyone who engages with this honestly for more than a few minutes will realize that censorship is much more complicated, especially in regards to its informal and social dimensions. We can all agree that society simply would not function if everyone said whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. You might think your boss is a moron or your wife's dress doesn't look flattering, but you realize that such tidbits are probably best kept to yourself. 

Again, this is a two-way proposition that everyone is seeking to balance. Do you really want people to verbalize every time they dislike or disagree with you? I sure as hell don't. And so, as part of a social compact, we learn to self-censor. Sometimes this is to the detriment of ourselves and our communities. Most often, however, it's just a price we have to pay in order to keep things from collapsing. 

But as systems, large and small, grow increasingly more insane and untenable, so do the comportment standards of speech. The disconnect between America's reality and the image Americans have of themselves has never been more plainly obvious, and so striving for situational equanimity is no longer good enough. We can't just pretend cops aren't racist and the economy isn't run by venal retards or that the government places any value on the life of its citizens. There's too much evidence that contradicts all that, and the evidence is too omnipresent. There's too many damn internet videos, and only so many of them can be cast as Russian disinformation. So, sadly, we must abandon our old ways of communicating and embrace instead systems that are even more unstable, repressive, and insane than the ones that were previously in place.

Until very, very recently, nuance and big-picture, balanced thinking were considered signs of seriousness, if not intelligence. Such considerations were always exploited by shitheads to obfuscate things that otherwise would have seemed much less ambiguous, yes, but this fact alone does not mitigate the potential value of such an approach to understanding the world--especially since the stuff that's been offered up to replace it is, by every worthwhile metric, even worse.

So let's not pretend I'm Malcolm Gladwell or some similarly slimy asshole seeking to "both sides" a clearcut moral issue. Let's pretend I am me. Flash back to about a year ago, when there was real, widespread, and sustained support for police reform. Remember that? Seems like forever ago, man, but it was just last year... anyhow, now, remember what happened? Direct, issues-focused attempts to reform policing were knocked down. Blotted out. Instead, we were told two things: 1) we had to repeat the slogan ABOLISH THE POLICE, and 2) we had to say it was actually very good and beautiful and nonviolent and valid when rioters burned down poor neighborhoods.

Now, in a relatively healthy discourse, it might have been possible for someone to say something like "while I agree that American policing is heavily violent and racist and requires substantial reforms, I worry that taking such an absolutist point of demanding abolition and cheering on the destruction of city blocks will be a political non-starter." This statement would have been, in retrospect, 100000000% correct. But could you have said it, in any worthwhile manner? If you had said something along those lines, what would the fallout had been? Would you have lost friends? Your job? Would you have suffered something more minor, like getting yelled at, told your opinion did not matter? Would your acquaintances still now--a year later, after their political project has failed beyond all dispute--would they still defame you in "whisper networks," never quite articulating your verbal sins but nonetheless informing others that you are a dangerous and bad person because one time you tried to tell them how utterly fucking self-destructive they were being? It is undeniably clear that last year's most-elevated voices were demanding not reform but catharsis. I hope they really had fun watching those immigrant-owned bodegas burn down, because that’s it, that will forever be remembered as the most palpable and consequential aspect of their shitty, selfish movement. We ain't reforming shit. Instead, we gave everyone who's already in power a blank check to fortify that power to a degree you and I cannot fully fathom.

But, oh, these people knew what they were doing. They were good little boys and girls. They have been rewarded with near-total control of the national discourse, and they are all either too guilt-ridden or too stupid to realize how badly they played into the hands of the structures they were supposedly trying to upend.

And so left-liberalism is now controlled by people whose worldview is equal parts superficial and incoherent. This was the only possible outcome that would have let the system continue to sustain itself in light of such immense evidence of its unsustainability without resulting in reform, so that's what has happened.

But... okay, let's take a step back. Let's focus on what I wanted to talk about when I started this.

I came across a post today from a young man who claimed that his high school English department head had been removed from his position and had his tenure revoked for refusing to remove three books from classrooms. This was, of course, fallout from the ongoing debate about Critical Race Theory. Two of those books were Marjane Satropi's Persepolis and, oh boy, The Diary of Anne Frank. Fuck. Jesus christ, fuck.

Now, here's the thing... When Persepolis was named, I assumed the bannors were anti-CRT. The graphic novel does not deal with racism all that much, at least not as its discussed contemporarily, but it centers an Iranian girl protagonist and maybe that upset Republican types. But Anne Frank? I'm sorry, but the most likely censors there are liberal identiarians who believe that teaching her diary amounts to centering the suffering of a white woman instead of talking about the One Real Racism, which must always be understood in an American context. The super woke cult group Black Hammer made waves recently with their #FuckAnneFrank campaign... you'd be hard pressed to find anyone associated with the GOP taking a firm stance against the diary since, oh, about 1975 or so.

So which side was it? That doesn't matter. What matters is, I cannot find out.

Now, pro-CRT people always accuse anti-CRT people of not knowing what CRT is, and then after making such accusations they always define CRT in a way that absolutely is not what CRT is. Pro-CRTers default to "they don't want  students to read about slavery or racism." This is absolutely not true, and absolutely not what actual CRT concerns itself with. Slavery and racism have been mainstays of American history curriucla since before I was born. Even people who barely paid attention in school would admit this, if there were any more desire for honesty in our discourse. 

My high school history teacher was a southern "lost causer" who took the south's side in the Civil War but nonetheless provided us with the most descriptive and unapologetic understandings of slavery's brutalities I had heard up until that point. He also unambiguously referred to the nuclear attacks on Hiroshmia and Nagasaki as "genocidal." Why? Because most people's politics are idiosyncratic, and because you cannot genuinely infer a person to believe one thing based on their opinion of another, tangentially related thing. The totality of human understanding used to be something open-minded people prided themselves on being aware of, believe it or not...

This is the problem with CRT. This is is the motivation behind the majority of people who wish to ban it. It’s not because they are necessarily racist themselves. It’s because they recognize, correctly, that the now-ascendant frames for understanding social issues boils everything down to a superficial patina that denies not only the realities of the systems they seek to upend but the very humanity of the people who exist within them. There is no humanity without depth and nuance and complexities and contradictions. When you argue otherwise, people will get mad and fight back. 

And this is the most bitter irony of this idiotic debate: it was never about not wanting to teach the sinful or embarrassing parts of our history. That was a different debate, one that was settled and won long ago. It is instead an immense, embarrassing overreach on behalf of people who have bullied their way to complete dominance of their spheres of influence within media and academe assuming they could do the same to everyone else. Some of its purveyors may have convinced themselves that getting students to admit complicity in privilege will prevent police shootings, sure. But I know these people. I’ve spoken to them at length. I’ve read their work. The vast, vast majority of them aren’t that stupid. The point is to exert control. The point is to make sure they stay in charge and that nothing changes. The point is failure. 

[mc-critical]

This ask got me thinking after one of your latest asks about Hurrem's suicide attempt. Do you think Hurrem's enemies( such as Mahidevran, Hatice, Ibrahim, Gulfem...) would start to be a little bit more sympatic towards to Hurrem if they learn her suicide attemps for Suleiman?(Like when Afife saved her in ep 72) I mean, Valide started to respect and understand her after she saw how much she really loved Suleiman and was willing to give her life for him. Also Afife started to understand her after saving her life. What do you think about the other enemies ? :)

It highly depends on the dynamic each one has with Hürrem individually, their own reasons for putting their foot down on her or being enemies with her, how much can that "new knowledge" move past these reasons and everyone's own individual view on Süleiman.

I feel the one who would sympathize with Hürrem the most in such circumstance would be Gülfem. She has experienced a level of loss and knows what it means to feel that life isn't worth living after that loss. If she learns, she would surely understand and perhaps say that, despite of everything, Hürrem is attached very strongly to Süleiman and has immense loyalty for him. She wouldn't condone Hürrem's other actions that don't sit well with her (like bringing Nigar in the harem only to spite Hatice, reminding her of the infidelity at every turn and even using Gülfem herself to frame Mahidevran for an assault in order to become the ruler of the harem since that was relatively soon), but would put the action into context in front of everyone.

This reaction would be helped by the fact that Gülfem isn't exactly her enemy per say, is very forgiving and patient, isn't used to holding grudges, and is only ever against Hürrem when she does something against her loved ones or she crosses some kind of a line by petty insults or comebacks. Besides, Gülfem still strives to see the good in Süleiman by this point of the show, being his emotional support and conscience even before S04 and becomes worried about what would happen to everyone every time he's ill, so such action of Hürrem's would be pretty explainable for her, even though she could certainly think that Firuze is something she had coming for her, and if they get a chance to talk about it in the depths of my headcanon, they would be the most possible "duo" to have a heart to heart.

Both Ibrahim and Mahidevran's perspectives have pretty much in many ways been shown by episode 55 where Hürrem prepares to do something pretty similar to her suicide attempt in episode 72, just with even more massive stakes.

A major part of the conflict between Hürrem and Ibrahim is rooted on Süleiman: his attention on both of them and the amount of influence Hürrem wants to exercise over him. However, the loyalties they have towards Süleiman is where they have managed to find common ground. Ibrahim is fully aware that Hürrem would never directly act against him. Him learning about a suicide attempt of Hürrem's due to the prospect of losing Süleiman would be nothing new to him, since, as highlighted by their confrontation in E55, he was aware that she was in such a state where she was willing to 'do the impossible'. They were both devastated by the ongoing events and they could come to a mutual understanding. It's possible for him to at least try to understand what she's going through there. But that would only last for so long, for the moment he learns about it. He would widen and maybe think, but... that would be about it. Because if Mahidevran directly acted before Valide hid the children and with SS's fate still being uncertain in E55, Hü and Ibro would have teamed up to stop this mess, but not here.

I once again come back to the comparatively more personal stakes of Hürrem's suicide in E72: this attempt wouldn't be enough to put everything between them behind, for Ibrahim to have such a strong amount of sympathy, none of this can be forgotten by a single suicide attempt. Their history is much longer than that. I would say that he would indeed think about the fact that Firuze is bothering Hürrem so much, wonder for a few seconds, how did it come to this, tell Matrakci about it and tell him that Hürrem must be very threatened to go for this, maybe with a hint of understanding... but that would be about it. It would be a temporary reaction, nothing between them or their dynamic would change in a significant way, he wouldn't get more sympathetic with Hürrem. Because that is a side of her Ibrahim has seen, on the possibility of another, scarier, more dangerous future for them both.

Mahidevran is the person who, is not only the least likely to, but surely, by one hundred percent, wouldn't sympathize with Hürrem over her suicide attempt at. all. Her hatred for Hürrem is seriously big and the points where they both could ever come to an understanding are rare. Some suicide attempt would seem something incredibly trivial and far too small to turn the tables. That is empowered even further by Mahidevran's own ongoing character arc that relates to Süleiman and the way her inner strength evolves by her letting go of him. At this point of the show, Mahidevran wouldn't even be able to relate to what Hürrem has done on a personal level, since Süleiman is nothing but memories to her already. It's not an experience she could connect herself with because of this exact shifting of priorities. What she wants even more at this point is Hürrem's end and she would be fine with however would it happen. {We could say she would generally prefer suffering for her (as she said in E55, but it's a belief confirmed again in E79, saying that death would only be a salvation for her spy; and then advanced even further in S04.), but is on board with killing her as well. (see her sending Diana to kill her)} I even imagine her to still widen at the news, but to wonder why did Afife even save her. (if they learn about that, too)

Despite of this, I feel there're a few angles of how precisely Mahidevran would view this suicide: the confrontation between Hürrem and her in front of SS's bed in E55 is key in her witnessing her say that it's namely dying with Süleiman that she would do if SS died anyway. And there we have Mahidevran claim that Hürrem doesn't do it out of love, but out of fear for her life. She could view Hürrem's suicide in E72 like this, too, and this way she would not only not sympathize with her for it, but also condemn her for doing it in some way. She may not read these intentions as genuine, she may even see it all as a plan of Hürrem's to win Afife over? There wasn't an indication that Mahidevran's view of these stunts of hers changed by that point, even though Mahidevran realized that her E55 actions were a mistake. The second angle of this could be the direct demonstration of her belief of the endless cycle of the harem that would never change. Yes, in E64 Mahidevran had stopped believing that another woman could defeat Hürrem (seen by her expression when Hatice told everyone that this is the only thing that would beat Hürrem), but seeing Firuze brought something else to the table. Then Mahidevran begins once again saying that Hü would burn in the same fire she did, calling back to her words in E61 that one woman would come and destroy this indestructible love. Seeing this realized with Firuze, seeing Hürrem struggle against her that much to the point of giving up, albeit in the opposite way Mahidevran did from SS... it would just show that Hürrem indeed isn't irreplaceable, that every good thing comes to an end, that Hürrem's victories wouldn't be endless and that she would doom herself one day. This could be a part of what Mahidevran wanted, confirming her beliefs of then, yet weakening her rival by a severe amount. Firuze having such an affect on Hürrem would by no means be approached sympathetically by Mahidevran, even if it hypothetically happened in the moment where it could (by that I mean early S01, in E10, when SS was rumored to be dead and if Hü tried such a thing then. And if, say, Firuze existed instead of Sadıka, ofc.), because even then Mahidevran's priorities would be immediately switched to the baggage little Mustafa had to deal with. Hürrem and Mahidevran had their few and far between moments of understanding, but that understanding was connected to their children and their motherly instincts. Only then would they be close to put their differences behind. Not here.

I find Hatice's possible reaction to be kind of a mix between what virtues she has seen in Hürrem before and their relationship in S03A's present. We know that Hatice completely stood against Hürrem because of her simultaniously threatening dynasty and family and what they stood for in Hatice's eyes. However, there have been two exceptions throughout S03A where Hatice actually sided with Hürrem or was shown to be empathetic to her. One of the exceptions was Süleiman falling ill once again in E78 where she was standing next to Hürrem and sharing her desire to see SS recover. That circumstance is similar to what E55 offered, because Hatice saw Hürrem in a better light, albeit for a moment in this case, while showing a loyalty to both the dynasty and the family that is Süleiman. That's where they're able to set their differences even in times where they are full on enemies. It is possible that Hatice may show a hint of understanding for Hürrem's suicide, because she is showing some kind of loyalty to Süleiman and after all, Hatice did once truly admire their love and even understood Hürrem's urge to send the Russian concubines off back in S01. She could understand why Hürrem did it and even empathize with it in part. It wouldn't be completely impossible, since she also has an idea of what it is like. But on the other hand, things have changed since S01: Firuze is the person Hatice counted on to take the win out of Hürrem's hands and Hatice was in such a state that she wanted Firuze to completely take over, which would make us think.

Nonetheless, learning of Hürrem's suicide attempt would definetly surprise Hatice, because even though she wanted for Firuze to take away Hürrem's Thursdays, such a reaction from Hürrem wouldn't be that expected and she would possibly view it as extreme even, since as I have said, Hatice didn't want to kill her in S03A. To knock her down a peg, to put her in her place, yes, but to want or expect such an ending for her, with her doing it herself.. I don't think so. She could even ask her is she okay and even thank Afife for saving her. Again, I don't think it would change their dynamic all that much, probably would keep a bigger eye on Firuze's moves?, but it would be a little moment of piece between them and Hatice could really sympathize. Because Hatice is still very human at her core.

[Side note: Ayşe Hafsa's dynamic with Hürrem changed so much after she saw Hürrem in E55, namely because she saw another side of Hürrem, virtues she didn't think she had and for the defense of which she stood up against Hürrem - again, the loyalty to dynasty and family. In E38, when she overheard her, she saw Hürrem marching against all of them by saying she would get rid of basically everyone and then her seemigly using SS's trust and love for her in cold calculation. In E55, she saw her love for SS in a different better light, a loyalty so strong and contrasting it negated every doubt Valide had against her and made her fully support her as a result. To be fair, the contrast with Mahidevran also helped, since Valide was conversely disappointed by a person she had an almost familial bond with and it's just that the occurrences in the whole episode were just so massive they made her switch from one side to another. Her son's future was put in question as much as her own.

Afife wasn't really an enemy of Hürrem's. She was more of a "lawful neutral" type of character: she helped with the Firuze case only because she was led to believe that Hürrem disrupted the balance in the harem and this balance could be fixed only through another woman. She told Hürrem off that one time, because Afife was so loyal to the laws she found herself to act by them and them alone, thus claiming that Hürrem isn't a Valide Sultan and Afife could arrange the entertainment regardless. (and also because the plot demanded it.) There wasn't any personal ire there. But Hürrem's suicide is something that touched her on a personal level, for she loves SS as her own son. That's once again, something she has never had the chance to see in her life, something new that moved her and made her more supportive of Hürrem and view Firuze in another way. Because after such event she couldn't help, but think: "Could Firuze do the bold thing the legal wife and the mother of his majesty's five kids just did?".]