#'Lucius and Narcissa are blonde they match obviously they must be together'

[kierenavery]

Kieren Avery Moodboard 004

+ The In-Law Squad

@dromeda-black @luscious-lucius @lafleurxnoire

[xfpurebloodaesthetics]

Mending the Break pt1

AU where Draco Malfoy is cleared of all charges at the Wizengamot after the war, while Narcissa and Lucius are sentenced to house arrest for several years. He sees his mother, scarred and tired but determined. He sees his father, pale and barely a shadow of who he used to be, now having to use his cane as a means of mobility instead of a flashy ornament of wealth. He’s numb, barely hearing some of the boos and protests of the witnesses in the crowd, standing when gestured to do so, and following the Auror guards from the atrium, glancing to the side to only see Harry Potter nearby. The same Harry Potter who spoke in the Malfoys’ defense, one of the few who did so, looking older and wearier, scruffy almost, but green eyes still blazing with justice.

They say nothing. Only a moment passes, when they make eye contact. And then Draco turns away, and that is the end of it.

Within the Malfoy Manor, he’s haunted by everything he sees, haunted by the echoing screams of the poor souls who lost their lives within these very walls. So many innocent people, dead; men, women and children, oh god, the children will haunt him the most. Mere playthings for the Death Eaters, who broke their bones like it was a funny game; playthings for Bellatrix, who relished in their screams and pleas for mercy; playthings for Greyback, who bathed in their blood.

There is not one spot, he thinks, that hasn’t been touched by the cruelty of the war.

Until he finds it. One door that he has been aware of since he was a child, one he had been gently steered away and kept from, until it became instinct to avoid this door, though he has never, in all of his life, understood why. Today, he finds this door, and he discovers that it is unlocked. A Slytherin has plenty of curiosity, though it is rarely acted upon. Today, he acts upon it.

Beyond the door is a small study, like a shrine to the Black family on Narcissa’s side. He sees pictures of his maternal grandparents, so stiff and formal in their older clothes, their hard eyes, the set way about their jaws. He sees old family pictures of the Black sisters as they aged, though he avoided looking too closely at Bellatrix, who has a portrait hanging on a nearby wall. She’s twenty two in it, frozen forever in youth and haughty beauty, and her sneer nearly sends Draco into a panic attack. He has no regrets about grabbing a nearby sheet to throw over her face, to hide her from view, and only then does he find the chest.

It is quite an old chest, one that once held a charm that helped it blend into it’s surroundings, faded with time, and with an easily broken lock. Within the velvet interior are hundreds upon hundreds of letters to Andromeda, the one family member he never got to meet. He knows nothing of her, except that she married a Muggleborn man -- her husband, Ted Tonks, who died -- and thus was disowned as a result. Seeing all of these letters intrigues him, and when Draco digs into them, he finds that each of them were addressed and written by Narcissa, her graceful elegant scrawl as easily recognizable as his own name. 

Within these letters, sitting on the plush carpeted floor, Draco discovers that Narcissa never hated Andromeda. She rather admired her older sister, who married for love rather than wealth or power or alliances. Who was beautiful in a way that Bellatrix was not, soft in the ways that counted, and ever so effortlessly kind. How much Narcissa had missed her sister, how she wished to have her by her side again.

She also wrote about Draco, from the very night he was born -- ‘He has the most beautiful silver eyes, Andy, and the palest hair of pure snow. The Draco constellation shined the brightest tonight; I shall name him after such a worthy contender’ -- to even of his accomplishments during his life, from his first steps, to his first words, to the time he rode a broom by himself, to being Sorted into Slytherin. 

The letters trail off when Draco had to have been around fifteen, right before Voldemort returned, in fact. And he realizes why; if Voldemort had known, or if Bellatrix had suspected, then Narcissa would never have survived this war. Having love for a disgraced sibling was the same as treason in their eyes. 

The ideology broke apart so many families. And there was no hope of ever fixing what had been shattered.

Unless...

It is nearly six months before Draco works up the courage, to find Andromeda’s house. It’s a private, cozy looking dwelling, and he’s sweating so much he feels like he might melt into a puddle in the grass. But he steers himself, and walks to the front door, hesitating for a good long five minutes before he risks knocking.

Andromeda’s appearance is so similar to Bellatrix that he has to do a double take, but it is no doubt it is her. She’s much softer, much older now, and far prettier, than Bellatrix had ever been after Azkaban. And she is startled to see him, obviously with the knowledge of who he is, and suddenly Draco isn’t sure if this is a good idea.

“I... I know this is a shock,” he says, his voice brittle, quiet, subdued. “And I understand if you don’t ever want to see me again. But... I’ve brought letters. From my mother.”

“Letters?” Andromeda is surprised further. “We’ve had no contact since I married Ted.”

“Well, she wrote them, but she never sent them. She misses you a great deal, though she never says anything.” With shaky fingers, he pulls out the letters he had sifted through and selected as the most important, the ones he felt that she might appreciate. “You don’t have to take them, I just... I guess I thought...”

There’s a moment of silence, before her hand reaches out, and he flinches instinctively, prepared for a strike, for a hard blow. Her eyes pinch with pain, and her hand is warm against his face, so exceedingly gentle that it nearly takes his breath away.

“Would you like to come inside for tea?” she asks, and it feels like something in his chest loosens.

“I would like that very much.”

What starts out as a five minute meeting ends up lasting for several hours. Andromeda reads the letters as Draco sits with tea he can barely touch. She tells him stories, of her youth, of Narcissa when she was young and lovely and carefree, of a world where they thought things could be alright together. She introduces him to little Teddy Lupin, who’s hair turns a bright platinum blond to match his own, and Draco finally cries.

It’s been months since he’s cried.

The apologies come pouring out. Andromeda cries as well, but she promises him that she wishes Draco no ill will. “You were a child,” she says, “in the very heart of the storm. You shouldn’t be blamed for our ancestor’s mistakes.”

“I wanted to leave,” Draco admits to her. “I was questioning everything for years. I was too cowardly to fight. I’ll never forgive myself, for everything.”

“You must,” Andromeda replies, grasping his hands tightly in hers. “If you wish to heal, then you must begin by forgiving yourself.”

It’s the first time that Draco has ever felt safe with anyone, that he regrets it when it’s time to leave. After spending the day with Andromeda, learning of her, learning from her, bonding with little Teddy, he’s almost bitter, that he had been robbed of this. He will never know Nymphadora. He will never get the chance to beg forgiveness from Lupin. But through his relatives, perhaps he can finally mend the fracture between his families.

Perhaps this was what Draco was meant to do.

~End of Part 1

[ignisferre]

“ A TOAST TO THE GROOM. TO THE BRIDE. FROM YOUR SISTER, WHO IS ALWAYS BY YOUR SIDE. TO YOUR UNION, AND THE HOPE THAT YOU PROVIDE. MAY YOU ALWAYS   B E   S A T I S F I E D ... ”

It’s a toast that she has no interest in giving. Of course, it’s her duty as best man to give a speech, and she knows that she must, but Phaedra has no kind words for much of the union. Fifty percent of it, to be precise. How is she supposed to get up there and toast something she doesn’t like? Her speech is rewritten, and revised, and reedited, until she finally gives up. It’s as good as it’s going to get. It’s as honest and as false as she can allow it. She stands up and taps her spoon against her champagne glass. 

“Let’s take this moment to raise our glasses to the new Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy. For those of you that aren’t familiar with me-- and there are those lucky few that aren’t-- I’m Phaedra Bellchant, Lucius’ best man. Which is probably funny to a few of you out there as I’m, obviously, not one of those things. But Lucius and I have been friends nearly all of our lives, and I think, as he does, that I’m happy to accept this honor.

“Like I said, I’ve known Lucius just about my entire life. I’d put some embarrassing stories in here if I could, purely to make everyone else laugh at his expense on his special day, but I have none. Lucius has always been a man that has been everything someone could look for-- he is intelligent, clever, hardworking, dignified, and perhaps most importantly, a loyal and exceptional partner. He and I have worked side-by-side since Hogwarts, and while we’ve always been competitive, to say the least, he’s been a teacher to me as much as he’s been a competitor. There are few I would consider my equal, but Lucius is one of the few I don’t mind conceding that to. 

“So I don’t have any embarrassing stories to tell tonight, which I can see based on his expression right now is a relief.” She pauses a moment as a few chuckles ripple through the audience. She’s doing her best to look at anyone but Narcissa, to keep her lip from curling in a sneer. She’s not here for Narcissa; she’s here for Lucius. “I have watched him grow up from a boy to the man he is today. This next chapter of his life is one that I’m certain he will excel at, just as he has done with each new part of his life.

“And now he’s a husband, joining together two families that have strong values to uphold and expectations to live up to. They’re a visually perfect match, aren’t they? So blonde and beautiful and happy looking today.” She bites back what she wants to say, the backhanded comment she wants so badly to make at Narcissa. She looks at Lucius instead. “Part of what made me best man was that I care for Lucius’ happiness perhaps more than even he cares for it sometimes. He is my brother, and my best friend. So congratulations, Lucius, and congratulations on your marriage to--” Bite it back. She raises her glass. “--Narcissa. To the bride and groom.”

“To the bride and groom,” echoes through the room. Phaedra takes a sip of her drink and sits back down. Maggie’s sitting beside her and squeezes her arm gently. 

“That was lovely, sweetheart.”

Phaedra’s lips are pursed. “Let me know when a socially acceptable amount of time has passed before I can step out,” she says, raising her glass to her lips again. “I need to get some air.”

[sasuhinasno1fan]

Suposed to be babysitting, not falling for you all over again

So @harryanddracoarehusbands, I’m your @drarryexchange santa. This is like my 3rd Harry Potter fanfiction, the second one I really wanted to finish, so I really hope this one is up to par and I hope you like it. Merry Christmas

Draco didn’t know what he was doing here. After his mother divorced his father – finally in his opinion, he was glad to be free of that man – she re-established connections with her other sister, the aunt Draco never knew. He barely knew his cousins, Sirius and Tonks before they died but he did know Tonks’ husband. He had been a teacher at his school and as much as he complained about it, Remus was an extremely good teacher. He knew that his aunt had lost a lot, her husband, daughter and son-in-law and was only left with her grandson. He didn’t realise that his mother had offered him up as a babysitter whenever she needed.

Draco wasn’t good with babies, toddlers he could deal with but babies? What was his mother thinking?

In attempts to keep her spirits up, his mother proposed a weekend trip down to the Black family lake house.

“It was your favourite place to be. You used to beg mother and father to let us go there during holidays. And I don’t seem to remember any bad memories lingering there.” She said, pretty much convincing her sister to go.

“I can’t believe your making me do this. I have no experience with babies!” Draco complained, opening the passenger side door and going around to the boot of the car to drag out his suitcase and bag.

“Darling, you need to spend some time with your cousin. I plan on keeping in contact with Andromeda because quite honestly, I prefer her to your Aunty Bella.” Narcissa said, walking around to meet her son as he fixed his bags so they’d be easier to carry in.

“Mother, anyone would prefer a rabid dog to Aunty Bella.” Draco stated

“Be that as it may, you never grew up with your cousins and I’m upset that after I married your father I didn’t try reaching out. Your aunt needs this week Dragon, and I want to be able to talk to her again. I’ve missed her greatly.”

He couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty. He never realise how badly his mother had it until he was a teenager. After he swore he’d do whatever possible to keep his mother happy and if that meant having to babysit, he’d do it.

“I understand. Shall we?” he asked, holding out his arm for his mother.

“My little gentlemen. Now I’ve told Andromeda that your experience with babies is not good, so she said she’s invite Teddy’s godfather to help.”

“Godfather?”

“He’s the same age as you. He was practically Remus’ godson as well, so it was no surprise he asked him to be Teddy’s godfather.”

Draco was curious, but he could deal with strangers. The reached to door and after ringing the doorbell, the door swung open revealing a woman bearing a close rebalance to his Aunt Bella but her hair was brown instead of black and her eyes were much kinder.

“Narcissa, Draco, so good to see you.” Andromeda said

“You as well. Are you ready for the trip?” her sister asked

“As I’ll ever be. Please, come in, come in.” she let the two blond family members in, leading them out of the entry way and into the house. Draco could hear laughing coming from the living room. “Draco, I hope you don’t mind I invited Teddy’s godfather to help you? I didn’t want you getting flustered.”

“It’s fine. Thank you for thinking of me.”

“I think the two of you will get along well. Harry dear, my sister and nephew are here. Bring Teddy so I can introduce you.” She called.

As he heard movement, Draco’s mind went to the only Harry he ever knew. The git he went to school with who he could never get along with, no matter he quietly wished he could.

It was like every force in the universe converged for this to happen, because out, holding Teddy securely, was Harry Potter.

“Potter?”

“Malfoy?”

The two sisters looked at the two boys back and forth.

“Do you two know each other?” Andromeda asked

“We, uh, went to school together. I didn’t know you were related.” Harry said, still staring down Draco

“Yes my sister and nephew. Draco here offered to babysit Teddy while we sisters have a weekend to ourselves.”

‘Great so not only do I have to take care of a baby, it has to be with Potter as well. I did not ask for this!’

It seemed like no time at all that his aunt’s bags were in the car and Draco gave one last hug to his mother before the pair of sisters were off, leaving Draco with his cousin and Potter. He hadn’t seen him since they graduated and last he heard, he went straight into working, while Draco went off to college. He had forgotten about him, pushing him to the back of his mind, trying to forget what he ever felt for him. But now, it was all gonna come rushing back, he knew it. He was tempted just too hid in his room, but he was sure Potter would say something to his aunt and he was trying to be nice and help his mother out as well. He took a deep breath and went back downstairs, where Potter was playing with Teddy on the floor on a blanket.

Teddy was a nice kid, minus his odd hair. His mother had a love for dying her hair and when giving him a bath, apparently she accidently grabbed a bottle of hair dye that was in a shampoo bottle, giving him his slightly green hair that grew. Poor Tonks had been a panicked mess, Andromeda explained, but was reassure that it could grow out or at the very least they could dye it back when he was older. It was just the fact that he was a baby, fragile crying baby that scared Draco. Letting himself get shown up by Potter had his competitiveness brimming under his skin but honestly, he’d let Potter take the lead on this. He was completely out of his comfort zone.

“Look Teddy, who’s that?” Draco watched Potter lift his cousin into his arms, pointing at Draco. Draco was given a gummy smile in return, one hand reaching out trying to reach for him. “Wanna go to Draco?”

That was weird, hearing Potter call him by his first name. He only remembered after they graduated and everyone was saying their goodbyes, Potter came and shook his hand, telling him, “It was good knowing you.” He wasn’t sure what to make of that, but he was so sure that would be the last time he saw him. Now look.

“You wanna hold him Malfoy?”

Draco shook his head. “I’m not good with babies.”

He got a confused look for that statement. “But you were asked to babysit?”

Looking embarrassed, Draco looked away from the confused look. “Because my mother offered me up. She wanted a chance to reconnect with her and that includes me connecting with them, hence why I’m here.” He dared a glance at Potter who had this look on his face. “What?”

“Nothing, it’s just. I’m surprised that you’d do this for your mother. You must really love her.”

Deciding to actually go in the living room, Draco plopped down on the couch near Harry. “My father isn’t exactly the best person to be around and I didn’t realise it until I was a teenager. I just like trying to make her happy.” He didn’t know why he was telling this to Potter but everything just seemed to be flowing out.

“I’m sure she appreciates it. And I know Teddy wants to be with Draco, don’t you? Ahh, no Teddy!” he scolded when Teddy decided he’d rather have his glasses instead, pulling them partially off the moment he was lifted near Potter’s head. Draco couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. “I see that you’re entertained. I could just leave you with him.” he gave him a smug smirk at Draco’s panicked look. “That’s what I thought. I’m not doing all of this by myself, so I hope you’re ready to learn.”

“Potter, I hope you remember I beat your bushy haired friend in exams. You are the last person I expect to be taught by.”

“But you can’t change a diaper or make a bottle can you.” Draco’s silence said it all. “Look, seeing each other after all this time is definitely odd but we’re both here because we want to help, so we might as well try and forget about any things from before. Hi, I’m Harry Potter, nice to meet you.”

Draco looked down at the hand that was stuck out; reminding him of the first time he met him. It didn’t end well and was the start of their rivalry. Part of him was tempted to do the same thing Harry-god, he even started to change how he called him in his head- had done to him when they met, but it was time to put the past behind him. And hopefully that meant all of the past and not some crush that part of him still held on to.

“Draco Lucius Malfoy.” Draco replied shaking Harry’s hand.

“That’s a mouthful.”

“I’m just being polite, something you obviously never learned.”

“Hilarious.” Harry drawled

It looked like they couldn’t do away with old habits in a minute.

Teddy didn’t seem to care. His attention was to Draco and he lifted his arms, little hands clenching in attempts to reach the blond. Harry took one look at him before depositing him on Draco’s lap.

“Potter! What do you think you’re doing?”

“He wants to be with you. Might as well learn what to do now. Who knows if the next time your mum wants to go out with her sister I might not be here to help. Now, stay here. It’s been a while since he’s eating so he’s probably hungry. Make sure he doesn’t fall off your lap.”

Harry disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Draco floundering as Teddy started squirming in his lap.

‘I’m doing this for mother; I’m doing this for mother.’ It was a baby, how hard could it be?

Very hard. In school, he and Granger, Harry’s bushy haired friend, had been extremely competitive when it came to who came out on top in academics and he and Harry would battle it out on the football field during matches. He liked proving he was good at what he was doing, but the babysitting thing, Draco was ready to concede defeat.

Teddy liked everyone, Draco could tell that, but when he didn’t like something, he let the whole world know.

“What am I doing wrong?” Draco asked, frazzled as Teddy cried his head off when Draco was trying to get used to holding him.

“He might need his diaper changed.” Harry said

“But he just ate!”

“He’s a baby Draco, food goes through them really quickly.”

He would usually push away any help people tried to offer him when he was struggling but he was grabbing on to every bit of advice and help Harry was giving him. Maybe it was because he was getting the chance to be close with Harry that he always wanted that he was willing to take whatever chance he got. But a small part of him wanted Harry to see him as capable.

“You might want to show him something to distract him, he can squirm away really quickly.” Harry said, pulling out the wet wipes, cream and a new diaper as they stood in front of the changing table in Teddy’s nursery

“Like what?”

“I usually show him something on my phone. Or distract him with a toy.”

The first thing Draco thought of was his newest animation video. He had been attending school for animation and was doing a small series about a small dragon. He pulled up the video and handed it over to Harry so he could show Teddy before pulling Teddy’s pants off. As he was starting to open the diaper he realised that Harry was looking at the video.

“Did you make this?” Harry asked

“Yes?”

“It’s really good. I remembered that you drew but I never realised how good you were.”

The comment tested Draco on how well he could keep the red from reaching his cheeks.

“The video is for Teddy, start it over and show it to him and do not drop my phone on him.”

Harry did what he was told, making sure to instruct Draco on what to do. Teddy was thankfully enamoured with the little dragon cartoon he was watching. When he was fully changed, he went grabbing for Draco’s phone.

“Looks like you have a new fan.” Harry said, handing Draco his phone back, once Teddy was secure in his arms. “Are you hungry? Andromeda said we could order whatever we want. There’s a really good pizza place not far from here.”

“That’s fine.”

Draco was able to manoeuvre washing his hands while still holding Teddy while Harry disappeared into the kitchen and took the time to breathe.

“Your godfather is going to drive me insane by the end of this weekend, I can tell.” He said to Teddy who just looked at him before trying to reach for his phone again. Draco sat themselves down on the couch and adjusted his hold on Teddy so he was leaning against Draco’s chest and could see the screen.

“You’re getting better at that.” Harry said, the menu for the pizza place in his hands.

“Not as good as you.” Harry was exceptionally good with Teddy. It was nice seeing Harry dote over Teddy whenever Draco couldn’t calm him down.

“Only because I spent so much time with him when he was born. He’s really easy to please though, aren’t you Ted?”

Draco could feel himself smiling at the sight. He liked watching Harry with Teddy. Harry was such a natural with kids that Draco was sure he’d be an amazing father.

‘And maybe an amazing boy-no, nope, stop it Draco. Enough of that.’

“So pizza, what are we getting?”

“I hope you like Zizi’s. They don’t deliver so I’d have to get an Uber down there. Think you’d be ok with Teddy or do you want to go get the food.”

Just that sentence sparked the old competitiveness in Draco. It sounded like a challenge even though he knew it was a genuine question.

“I can do it. And I want King Prawn pasta or Margherita pizza, take your pick.”

“You sure?”

“Yes Potter, go. We’ll be just fine.” He hoped.

Thankfully Teddy was easy to deal with after Harry left to go pick up the food.

“I tried forgetting how I felt about him, but your godfather can leave quiet an impression. It’s almost infuriating how I still can’t stand him but I still want the chance to be with him. I guess babysitting you was pretty good after all though.” Draco said, as Teddy lay on Draco’s stomach, his eyes drooping at the sound of Draco’s voice. “I hope I’m not boring you talking about my crush. If my mother wants to spend more time, I’m probably going to have to see you more often. It won’t be so bad. You’re actually rather easy to take care of, thank goodness. I hope you won’t hate me for wanting to see Harry more because of you.”

Teddy made a humming noise as he drifted off to sleep, cuddled up close on Draco’s chest. Draco dropped his phone next to him and gently wrapped his arms around Teddy. He had been apprehensive earlier, but he could see just how Harry could love spending time with him. He also realised something, he couldn’t move. “Great, I’m not with Nova and yet I still end up with a creature on me that’ll complain if I move him.” he said, thinking about his British Longhair who was staying with Pansy for the weekend. “You’re lucky I like you.”

Teddy just let out a little snore before dozing back off.

“I can’t believe he’s there though. I mean, Mum told me that Malfoy was related to them, but I never thought he’d be babysitting. It’s just, I can’t.”

Harry listened to Ginny talking on the other end of the phone as he waited in the nearby Zizi’s for his order. They were almost done, just waiting for the pizza.

“I know. Trust me I was surprised to.”

“And I’m sure many other things, hot and bothered maybe?”

“Gin!” even though he and Ginny no longer dated, they were still good friends. It helped that he was practically a Weasley. After Ginny found out about Harry’s small – she said gigantic but it wasn’t that bad – crush on Draco Malfoy, she would tease him and push him at every chance she got. After they graduated he never expected to see him again. But lo and behold, there Draco was, ready to help take care of Teddy. It was interesting putting their differences behind them and get along, though they still fell back into their usual arguments. Maybe that was something he loved, being able to just go at it but in good fun. He was learning so much about Draco while watching him with Teddy. But still, “I don’t think he thinks of me that way.”

“You’ve got a whole weekend, maybe longer if his mom wants longer with her sister and they have fun up wherever they are. I say take advantage of it, get to know him the way you couldn’t in school. You don’t have the pressures of school so you can be as flirty with him as you want. I insist upon it.”

“I thought you didn’t like him.”

“You like him and that’s all that matters. Harry, other than me and that really awkward relationship with Cho, you’ve never been in a committed relationship and I can’t believe I’m saying this because, yes, I don’t like him, but I think he could be good for you. Now stop stalling and go and seduce him so you can shag him into the next week.”

“Gin.” Harry said, sounding tired. Ginny had a one track mind at times; he had no clue how he didn’t see this before.

“Harry Potter!”

“Yes! I got to go Gin.”

“Promise me you’ll at least try flirting with him, even just a bit.”

“I will, bye.”

Harry collected the food and was back in the Uber heading back to the house, deciding he could at least listen to Ginny on getting to know Draco better. They weren’t in school anymore; he didn’t have to stop himself.

He opened the door, one hand balancing the food, not hearing anything.

“Draco?” Harry asked as he locked the door behind him. He didn’t hear any response and dropped the food off in the kitchen before going to living room, stopping at the sight before him.

Draco laid out on the couch asleep, his arms keeping Teddy on his chest, also sleeping. It was a simple thing, something he had done with Teddy himself but just seeing it with Draco felt different.

“Oh Teddy, your cousin is going to drive me insane.” He muttered, trying to make sure he didn’t take a picture of the cute scene in front of him. But it solidified it for him, he still liked Draco and he really wanted to get to know him more and hopefully date him. Now he had to just survive the weekend. Maybe he could ask Andromeda to stay at the lake house longer so he could spend more time with him.

[tomishaped]

522 Things I'm not allowed to do at Hogwarts

Numbers 391-488

391. Asking the Weasley twins, "So do you do everything together?" is ill advised.

392. Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff... is not advisable.

393. I will not ask the school to sponsor a break dancing crew.

394. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.

395. Getting Colin Creevey drunk and steering him toward a sleeping Harry Potter is just a bad idea all around.

396. -Then using his camera to take incriminating photos is not nice.

397. Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny.

398. -Even if Luna Lovegood does say, "Yes, I thought so too."

399. I am not a Balrog animagus.

400. The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.

401. I may not try to find out if any of the owls are David Bowie in animagus form.

402. I will not ask people what their daemons are.

403. I will not offer Professor McGonagall lasagne.

404. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another house.

405. I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.

406. I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they need it.

407. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.

408. I will not tempt Ravenclaws with apples. I will also not say that the Slytherins have tempted other students with apples.

409. Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA classes.

410. -Neither is Dracula.

411. I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument.

412. If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated.

413. Using the 'Petrificus Totalus' curse on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas present to the House means you should watch your back until June.

414. -Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.

415. -If Lee Jordan was there too, you're going to need a bodyguard.

416. I will not claim to be able to see the Thestrals if I cannot.

417. -I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".

418. I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.

419. I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

420.I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint.

421. I will not sneak up behind Draco and Harry while they are in their Staring Snarky Yelling Matches and yell, "SLASH SLASH SLASH! LET'S SEE SOME SLASH!"

422. I will not give Hagrid Pokmon cards and convince him that they are real animals

423. -Likewise, I will not tell First Year Muggle-borns that Pokmon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum

424. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will merely offend them.

425. Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".

426. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".

427. Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.

428. The Crucible is not summer reading for History of Magic, and I should not tell First Years that it is.

429. "You might be a Pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.

430. I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape.

431. - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

432. The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.

433. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

434. - I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.

435. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror.

436. -Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate.

437. -Especially if he's wearing it.

438. Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as "Bulk and Skull". "Dumb and Dumber" is equally inappropriate.

439. -I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.

440. Comparing Draco Malfoy to Alex Krycek, Lindsay McDonald, Lex Luthor or any similar character is not an appropriate subject for a Muggle Studies essay.

441. I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.

442. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle's first names are, respectively, Draco, Vincent and Gregory, not Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

443. The Slytherin Quidditch team should not be referred to as "Draco Malfoy and a moderate amount of cross-dressing".

444. -Even if that is an accurate description.

445. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.

446. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

447. I am not allowed to spank others.

448. -Even if Malfoy liked it.

449. No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.

450. -This goes double for superglue.

451. I am not to dance naked in the great hall.

452. -Or on the grounds.

453. -Generally, dancing naked is wrong.

454. Despite the appearances of the employees and the vaults, Gringotts is not the entrance to the Labyrinth.

455. -While in the company of goblins, I must not demand that I be taken to Jareth.

456. -Nor shall I tell them "You remind me of the babe.

457. Draco Malfoy no longer requires a nanny, nor does he need tucking in and "a bit of a cuddle" at bedtime.

458. - Not even if he insists that he does. And that his father has hired me to provide said service.

459. I am not to call Hogwarts "the most covert anti-Death Eater organization on the planet.

460. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.

461. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

462. I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.

463. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

464. I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they are learning.

465. I will not ask Dobby why he doesn't look more like Orlando Bloom.

466. - Nor will I ask him if he works for Santa Claus in the off-season.

467. I will not invite Professor Snape to a midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".

468. -The same goes double for Voldemort.

469. -Likewise, I will no longer be permitted to refer to Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange as Riff Raff and Magenta.

470. -Especially to their faces.

471. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.

472. Draco Malfoy does not appreciate being called 'Ferret Boy'

473. -Or 'The Blond Boy Wonder'

474. Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant.'

475. Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them 'With Love, Draco Malfoy' is not appropriate.

476. -Neither is signing them with: 'I had a great time last night, Argus Filch.'.

477. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable.

478. -Especially if the song is 'I feel pretty, oh so pretty'.

479. Or 'I'm too sexy'.

480. I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.

481. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a 'pimp cane'.

482. I must never sneak up behind Draco Malfoy and coo "How's my Blondie-Bear?"

483. Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.

484. It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says All the good-looking ones die young with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.

485. I am not to tell Draco that I know all about his affair with Hermione Granger.

486. -Especially if it's not true.

487. -I also cannot sell the story to Rita Skeeter.

488. -Or owl Lucius, Narcissa, or Bellatrix with the imaginary details