#''why do u keep talking abt it instead of going to sleep couldnt u just make the poll instead'' no Ɛ>

[voidimp]

if i posted a kind of spicy sketch wuold you guys help me decide what kinds of clothes they should be wearing.......

[heartsoji]

being the inarizaki vb club's precious manager hcs

summary: you sign up to be the boys vb team manager bc like why not you'd prob get some good organization skills but you end up gaining some bffs, some bruises, and a whole crew of bodyguards

warnings: a liiiiiittle bit of swearing and mentions of harassment also its not proofread

you signed up to be the manager for the boy's vb team not knowing what it would be like

it was ur second year of high school and u had quit abt 7 clubs bc they just weren't that interesting

not like in a mean way like "ugh! this is too boring for my tastes smh" but just it didn't have any appeal so u smiled and resigned with no hard feelings yk

IT WASNT LIKE A SALTY QUIT U JUST COULDNT FIND ANYTHING THAT WAS FUN AND THAT U WERE PASSIONATE ABT I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH ITS NOT LIKE THAT GIRL'S HOST HOPPING THING FROM OURAN

tbh u just didn't rly know what other club to sign up for and the boys vb team needed a manager soo..

they honestly should have just put "babysitting some brats that are somehow the same age" instead of "managing the boy's volleyball team"

they are so protective of you lol

like this one time you let out a little scream bc some random teacher touched your no-no square in a very intentional way

the vb team was THERE in 2 seconds flat

kita stares at him intensely while holding back the twins by their shirt to keep them from quite literally MURDERING THAT MAN

aran calms down ginjima and akagi who literally just start hyperventilating

suna stares at him. hard.

the twins who are unable to attack him just scream

"WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. TO. OUR. MANAGER U FUCKING JACKASS" etc

the teacher got fired the next day funny coincidence huh ?

ANYWAYS

kita is actually helpful

he's canonically good at keeping ur fellow second years in check so lucky u !

hes also rly organized and tidy which is v helpful !

aran is such a sweetie

helps u out in any way that he can

also acts a pillow to some of kita's blunt blows

like "he means that he's sorry bc he realized that he seems kinda unappreciative of ur efforts sometimes" when kita says smth like "sorry for not saying nice words to you"

a translator for kita, basically

akagi shares ur puppy energy so the two of u get along rly well

ur both friendly ppl so its a v sweet and wholesome relationship

u sometimes have to stop gin from making bad decisions but ugs get along well

also ugs r both second years so ur classes r on the same floor so u see each other in school sometimes

as for the main 3 brats AKA some of your fellow second years who somehow become ur new bffs

atsumu is SUCH A FLIRT but like jokingly bc that's just how he is yk

always talking to you and annoying you like atsumu would u just like stfu pls and thanks

osamu is constantly slapping atsumu to provoke him (which is so stupid tbh but works every single time lmao)

is always eating like u turn around during class and he's just eating an onigiri behind his folder 😐

ugs like to gang up on atsumu its a great bonding activity

you and suna r sleep buddies bc u both r so sleep-deprived

well suna's just a sleepy person but u r sleep deprived so ugs will sleep side-by-side during free periods

suna always forgets his lunch so u've learned to pack extra for him

you let him sleep on ur lap and he lets u sleep in his

when the four of u take buses or trains to hang out u and suna always sit next to each other so that ugs can fall asleep on each other

if ur up for it he'll cuddle with u platonically

bc ppl r great body pillows and a good source of warmth

only if ur comfy with it tho ofc

the twins (mostly atsumu but a bit of osamu) will tease ugs abt being a couple but both of ugs just roll ur eyes and go back to sleep lmao

you ended up staying to be their manager for the rest of high school bc of how much fun it is

[how-do-i-delete-this-acc]

being the inarizaki vb club's precious manager hcs

summary: you sign up to be the boys vb team manager bc like why not you'd prob get some good organization skills but you end up gaining some bffs, some bruises, and a whole crew of bodyguards

warnings: a liiiiiittle bit of swearing and mentions of harassment also its not proofread

you signed up to be the manager for the boy's vb team not knowing what it would be like

it was ur second year of high school and u had quit abt 7 clubs bc they just weren't that interesting

not like in a mean way like "ugh! this is too boring for my tastes smh" but just it didn't have any appeal so u smiled and resigned with no hard feelings yk

IT WASNT LIKE A SALTY QUIT U JUST COULDNT FIND ANYTHING THAT WAS FUN AND THAT U WERE PASSIONATE ABT I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH ITS NOT LIKE THAT GIRL'S HOST HOPPING THING FROM OURAN

tbh u just didn't rly know what other club to sign up for and the boys vb team needed a manager soo..

they honestly should have just put "babysitting some brats that are somehow the same age" instead of "managing the boy's volleyball team"

they are so protective of you lol

like this one time you let out a little scream bc some random teacher touched your no-no square in a very intentional way

the vb team was THERE in 2 seconds flat

kita stares at him intensely while holding back the twins by their shirt to keep them from quite literally MURDERING THAT MAN

aran calms down ginjima and akagi who literally just start hyperventilating

suna stares at him. hard.

the twins who are unable to attack him just scream

"WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. TO. OUR. MANAGER U FUCKING JACKASS" etc

the teacher got fired the next day funny coincidence huh ?

ANYWAYS

kita is actually helpful

he's canonically good at keeping ur fellow second years in check so lucky u !

hes also rly organized and tidy which is v helpful !

aran is such a sweetie

helps u out in any way that he can

also acts a pillow to some of kita's blunt blows

like "he means that he's sorry bc he realized that he seems kinda unappreciative of ur efforts sometimes" when kita says smth like "sorry for not saying nice words to you"

a translator for kita, basically

akagi shares ur puppy energy so the two of u get along rly well

ur both friendly ppl so its a v sweet and wholesome relationship

u sometimes have to stop gin from making bad decisions but ugs get along well

also ugs r both second years so ur classes r on the same floor so u see each other in school sometimes

as for the main 3 brats AKA some of your fellow second years who somehow become ur new bffs

atsumu is SUCH A FLIRT but like jokingly bc that's just how he is yk

always talking to you and annoying you like atsumu would u just like stfu pls and thanks

osamu is constantly slapping atsumu to provoke him (which works every single time lmao)

is always eating like u turn around during class and he's just eating an onigiri behind his folder 😐

ugs like to gang up on atsumu its a great bonding activity

you and suna r sleep buddies bc u both r so sleep-deprived

well suna's just a sleepy person but u r sleep deprived so ugs will sleep side-by-side during free periods

suna always forgets his lunch so u've learned to pack extra for him

you let him sleep on ur lap and he lets u sleep in his

when the four of u take buses or trains to hang out u and suna always sit next to each other so that ugs can fall asleep on each other

if ur up for it he'll cuddle with u platonically

bc ppl r great body pillows and a good source of warmth

only if ur comfy with it tho ofc

the twins (mostly atsumu but a bit of osamu) will tease ugs abt being a couple but both of ugs just roll ur eyes and go back to sleep lmao

you ended up staying to be their manager for the rest of high school bc of how much fun it is

[babysizedfics]

Poor roman :( but that being said I am heka interested in 5

remus humiliates roman in front of jamal (but jamal is a sweetheart)

vote from this concept voting post!

TWs: swearing, emotional humiliation, arguing, remus is generally pretty mean in this - not "unsympathetic" but his behaviour is not ok, brief alcohol mention but it isnt a main feature

first some background info on remus and ro:

roman and remus' friend groups actually run parallel to each other by pure councidence in that theyre the same age and are both in the local queer scene

usually they only run into each other on nights out and avoid each other like the plague... until one of romans friends and one of remus' friends become a very serious couple and the friendship groups merge

remus tends to hang it over romans head whenever they argue or remus just feels like teasing him that he could so so easily spill romans secret littlespace to all his friends

and while roman claims to not care he also really doesnt want that to happen, especially the specific things remus threatens to reveal (namely him calling his cgs mommy and daddy, and his fear of the dark - which remus knows are romans biggest embarrassments)

and remus never USUALLY actually follows through on his threats, he loves to freak roman out but he doesnt mean to be intentionslly cruel.

but one night theyve had an argument recently and remus is out to hurt roman and finally follows through on his threat to reveal romans secrets. in front of jamal

((the actual incident below the cut))

all the friends are walking back from a night out, and remus hangs back from the group to talk to jamal. roman is just glaring at remus and not saying anything and holding jamals hand tightly. remus hasnt embarrassed him too bad so far, just asking jamal questions and referring to roman as his "baby brother" which is so annoying, but the thing is roman can tell hes building up to something

then suddenly remus smirks when he sees a completely pitch black side street thats theyre about to pass by, and he calls out to everyone "hey guys, there's a 24/7 mcdonalds through here and its a shortcut to the bus stop" and everyones like WOO mcdonalds and redirects to go down the side street

and romans heart pounds watching the friends all filter down the street without a second thought, theres no streetlights down there, theres light on the other side quite far away, but before that its SO DARK. and he freezes in place and jamal is tugged back by it and looks back at him. "babe, come on"

romans starting to feel shaky and he literally cant move his feet. his eyes flick between the street and remus' sadistic cocky smirk.

"whats wrong baby bro? you stuck or something?" remus leers with that stupid stupid smirk

and roman HATES him so so much

"ro, what's the matter?" jamal asks

"i- um," roman stutters, trying to keep his voice from shaking too much at the sight of his friends just having DISAPPEARED into the darkness - how are they okay with that?? "i- im not hungry"

"okay well i am, and remus said it was a shortcut anyway so-"

"i-i -- no i can't"

seraphina, romans best friend, looks back and notices whats happening and quickly jogs over (knowing roman is scared of the dark) "hey roma, it's okay we dont have to go down there" she soothes

jamal is supportive but he doesnt get it. he thinks roman is scared of criminals or smth. "i promise theres no one bad down there, hun. and i'll be right next to you the whole time, i'll protect you" and he smiles and tugs romans hand to pull him towards the side street

romans eyes quickly tear up and he panics and rambles "nononono dont please please i cant i cant" in a broken voice and plants his feet firmly on the ground, paralysed with fear

remus starts cackling "ohhhhh thats right~" as if he just remembered. "my baby brother's terrified of the dark, isn't he?"

"f*ck off, re" sera barks, standing between the twins, protective of roman

"wait, are you?" jamal asks sounding surprised. roman doesnt let himself look at him, too busy watching remus warily and knowing thats not all he has planned to embarrass roman

remus goes on, shouting out to jamal over sera's head "he's petrified!" he confirms sounding delighted. "yknow that massive blackout last summer? he cried like a baby. literally sobbing for his daddy patton to make it go away"

theres a brief silence because no, sera and jamal didnt expect remus to refer to patton as romans daddy - they both know roman calls him dad but this is a surprise.

and that one second of silence drags on for ages for roman, all he can hear is his heart pounding in his ears and remus' obnoxious laughter

he is shaking, frozen in shock rather than fear now. for all of remus' teasing threats at home, he didnt expect remus to actually do it. hes devastated and humiliated that remus told to his best friend and especially his BOYFRIEND of all ppl

and honestly he's not even thinking about the pitch black side street right now because the streetlights on the main road are blurred by tears welling in his eyes anyway

"why dont you just leave him alone!" sera hisses furiously after her mild shock

then jamal bounces back rlly stern to remus "yeah i already know about that! roman told me and it was HIS choice to tell me"

roman stares at him in disbelief but jamal is too busy staring daggers at remus to notice

remus looks suddenly offended and frowns. hes clearly hurt that the others dont think its funny "jeez youre both such bores. im just having some fun"

"youre demented if you think thats fun" seraphina growls and shoves remus away towards the sidestreet. remus rolls his eyes and runs ahead to join the others who are all oblivious to that coversation, howling with drunken laughter in the pitch black and jumping out and scaring each other

"f*cking prick" jamal calls after remus, seething

sera quickly throws a concerned look to roman "you okay?"

roman just swallows thickly and looks between seraphina and where he saw remus join the others in the pitch black. his stomach churns at the idea of remus telling more people. "i-is he gonna--"

"im on it" sera nods and starts turning around "i wont let him tell anyone else, roma, promise" then she runs ahead to keep an eye on remus and to give him and jamal some privacy

after a moment jamal turns back to roman looking so worried and holds his hands and asks very gently "babe, can you tell me how youre feeling?"

and roman is teary but he whispers "i - you stuck up for me"

jamal looks suddenly sad and cups romans cheek "of course i did"

"but you said i told you about it. i- i didnt tell you that i-" roman gulps after his voice wobbles "i didnt tell you about it"

and jamal smiles sadly and goes "i know babe... im sorry, i just didnt wanna give him any more power. it seemed like he's held that over you for a while"

suddenly the tears in romans eyes overspill and he doesnt really know why but he can't stop them

jama gasps a little "oh roman, its ok" and just pulls him into a tight hug

roman clings and sniffles, glad that he can hide his tears from his boyfriend even if it is in his neck.

and jamal just strokes his back and whispers "its ok baby, its ok" **

they talk about it quietly as they take the longer, well-lit route instead. roman admits he would never have told jamal abt his fear on his own - and the reason he's been avoiding staying overnight at jamals apartment is bc the one time he did he got so scared of the dark that he couldnt sleep and was just anxious all night but wouldnt wake jamal to tell him

after jamal finds out hes like baby why didnt u tell me its okay and comforts him about it not being embarrassing or childish. then:

"so you do actually want to stay at mine, its just because its so dark that you didnt?"

roman nods shyly "yeah... im sorry i know its a dumb fear i just-"

"its not dumb ro. i meant to say if it works for you, we could leave the hall light on and the door open. its not like i live with anyone who can walk in."

roman blinks "wait you - really? it wont make it hard for you to sleep?"

jamal smiles softly "no hun, honestly i could sleep anywhere. i fell asleep in the middle of the day in the staffroom just last month"

roman laughs, so so so relieved

"so... maybe next time you come over for dinner you could stay the night, yeah?" jamal says with a smile and a blush. he wraps his arm around romans waist and pulls him in, hip to hip

roman bites his lip and blushes. after a moment he suggests shyly "im free tonight..."

and jamal smiles so big, stops walking and puts his arm up to romans chest to stop him too then angles romans jaw down to kiss him

in the near future jamal promises to buy a plain nightlight and always leaves it on for roman when he stays overnight from then on

**side note: roman could never stand anyone calling him baby before because he felt infantilised at school becaus of his undiagnosed adhd. so he sees it as a derogatory name more than anything. but when jamal says it roman feels so warm and respected because he knows jamal would never mean it in that way. so jamal has "baby" rights basically

[friiday-thirteenth]

right right right c a m p

ok. ok so it was very long and I'm unbelievably tired but also my head says write it down so uh

day one- five hour bus ride. it was fun, bc the person I was sitting beside slept the whole time and I got to joke around with the guys, who were surprisingly chill. they only brought up p*rn once, which is like.... good for them all things considered lmao

then we had the tramp in. the campsite where we were staying at the first night was the farthest from base, and one group biked in while the other tramped.

my groups tramp took s i x h o u r s. no other groups went over five. we had to keep stopping bc a) one kid was feeling sick, b) one kid rolled her ankle and c) we weren't allowed to sprint off into the Bush and potentially die without an instructor with us.

so there were like, four of us who were constantly at the front, and they were: me, my crush, my crushes best friend, bitch-who-bullied-me.

twas interesting.

we got the campsite in the dark, after a river crossing in which my socks got soaked, as did my shoes, and the tents and food were already sorted for us so that was great. food was shit, though. mince that was half brown water and cold pasta.kept us going, though, and as became my motto throughout camp, food is food.

that night was the only time I cried. kinda sad, tbh, but it was bc on the 'girls' side (as we all know that if the boys and girls tents were together, absolutely everyone would just be going at it, of course (jfc they have a low opinion of year tens (we sorta deserve it though, stuff happened with last years year tens...))) everyone else was paired up and even the people in three person tents didnt want me in there 🥰🥰🥰🥰 really felt the love there, guys.... jokes on them I slept by myself each night and was ready within five minutes each morning. actually really glad they showed how much they didnt care abt me bc it was really nice being alone in the wilderness, and that's not sarcasm.

anyway. day two.

woke up, was ready within ten minutes bc I woke with the leaders, who wake ten minutes before we're meant to and get themselves and breakfast ready before we're up. (I'm really fast at waking up, but take ages to go to sleep. like, everyone has to stfu before my body's able to start shutting down, and as soon as there's people moving around I'm up like a shot.)

anyway. I had eaten breakfast and was washing up before anyone else came out. next kid out was my crush, and we bitched about people taking forever for a while, which was fun.

then we waited for ages for everyone else to get sorted out, blah blah blah, and we had the bike ride back. 11.5 kilometers, I think,mostly downhill for us.

it was fun! I'm not a brilliant biker, but I kept near the middle-front of the group, and i just. let go of the brakes going downhill. and these hills were bloody steep and gravelly, plus the dips and river crossings.

I didnt fall off the bike, but one kid did lmao. there was this sharp turn before a metal gate, and He saw the gate and started pulling kn the brakes, but he hit the front brakes and just. flipped. the bike crashed into me and he went to the ground.

it was funny in the afterwards, but the kid got rather grazed lmao. he's not dead though, so that's good.

we were at the campsite that was, in my opinion, the coldest that night. also I slept in a three person instead of a two person, and by myself that meant more body heat was going into the tent. brrr. but we also did the nightline activity(hold onto a rope and follow it through the dark forest while blindfolded and with a helmet on. highly recommend it. go do it with friends u trust lmao)

I was behind this slow kid and he tripped at one point so I just. went ahead of him. then I spent around half an hour walking through the dark by myself (I walked into five trees. each time I took a step back, glared at it through the blindfold fifty five seconds and then continued around it with a muttered bitch. I'm nothing if not dramatic.) before I crashed into my crush hehe. it was near the end and we just got to the end at the same time, where two others already were. it was chill, we talked for a while. bullied people who were going through it by whacking trees they were near with sticks and shaking the line as they tried to use it. (we were allowed to, dw)

the next day, we went canyoning and holy frick frack fuckedy fuck fuck, that was c o l d. freezing. I jumped into the water and nearly died (exaggerated) but my crush jumped through a fricken waterfall and couldnt feel his hands or feet for ten minutes. another kid was walking funny bc he'd waited in the water for five minutes, and this shit was cold enough that we were wearing wet suits and thermals.

once we were dry and dressed (we got to have showers. h e a v e n (I only took 10 seconds bc like, why tf would you need a longer one? people took fifteen minutes, like wtf)) we went rock climbing! which was brilliant, honestly. I liked the belaying more (I've got this thing where I prefer people trust me than me trusting them, hmmm I wonder why) but also climbed the hardest one! it was really fun, and I only fell like fourteen time at one point (lmao,the rope caught me each time but I looked like a fuvking idiot hehe)

then we slept at a campsite which had a fire kn the beach!! if was so much fun. we also did a solo, which involved us sitting in the wild for twenty minutes and reflecting upon camp. I lay on the ground and stared at the moon. it was lovely and peaceful, until two kids started talking.

side note, guys voices are lovely and deep and rumbly and very nice (in general) but girls are generally higher pitched and ugh, it can be v e r y bloody annoying when ur trying to contemplate life.

possums visited camp that night. woke up in the middle of it to a possum crashing into the side if my tent, and I just. stopped breathing for a minute while I listened to it. a possum growling sounds terrifying. look it up!

also heard cows that night. cows are good.

day four, we abseiled. holy s h i t, it was fun. just... sitting there and watching the river and and rock and dangling in midair.... god, I loved it.

then we went to the high ropes course. this was b r i l l i a n t. we'd done low ropes st some point, but high ropes involved more belaying, which involved, and then at one point, we did a thing called the leap of faith, which was around eight meters high and you climbed to the top of this cylinder of wood before jumping for a trapeze. I knew I wouldn't get it, so I jumped on two when they counted down for me, and I missed lmao. but it was bloody brilliant.

then we had to do a whole shitton of cleanup,which they don't normally get groups to do, but we were s p e c i a l (as in our school gets to clean things we dont even use, sigh) before camping one last night. I had go share with someone, it was gell, packed up at least four tents in the morning bc I was very good at that for some reason,before we hot back to camp and went to the bus and oh, that was brilliant.

I finished my book, chatted with the guys, chatted with my crush for .5 of a second, had that thkng happen where people see you talking to a guy and are like ooOOooohhHHHHHhhh they're dAtiNG bc we're all stupid year tens and it was fucking hilarious (I've never dated anyone, so peopke bloody obsess over pairing me up with someone and I'm just like??? fuckers I'ma child how abt no (sidenote there was a couple on camp and they were cute but uh. year ten relationships dont really last, according to my year 13 camp leader (she was chill af, and basically showed me a whole new perspective on being friends with guys and so in conclusion she's bloody brilliant))) anyway they came up with a ship name for me and the guy and I nearly pissed myself laughing bc its best to laugh along with it and it was really funny tbh

anyway. we also for some reason talked abt sex and porn a lot and it was weird but also kinda chill bc most of the boys are relatively respectful of the girls,in the sense that we all make dirty jokes to each other but don't cross the line, so it was pretty funny and chill. also guys apparently never stop making dick jokes and that type of shit and it was kinda funny tbh

then we got home, grabbed our shit, and legged it away from there.

now I'm gonna rant abt my crush hehe

he was like, oh who's this? when we were walking to dinner in the dark one night (I was in front of him and his friend and he couldn't see my face) and then fucking knew who I was from the way that I walked like mate, why tf do you know how i walk and how to describe it, hmm?

I flipped him off after he said that though it was fucking funny

also!! he just. stared at my eyes and was like, are your eyes different colors? and I was like yeah. and he just nodded slowly and we maintained eye contact for a while. twas weird.

we have staring contests a lot too?? like, he'll look at me or I'll look at him and then at one point he was like, you just stare at people and then tilt ur head, dont you! and I was like wtf dude,but also I kept eye contact bc its a Thing.

also on the bus ride home he just mimicked my facial expressions and it was really bloody funny and j broke out laughed and he smiled

yeah basically I'm hopelessly crushing on him bc he's smart and sarcastic but it never gonna happen so I just wanna be friends type thing. sigh.

ANYWAY. camp was kinda great, at some points it left me feeling like I was so bloody alone and also I felt really shitty mentally but I kept going and i really enjoyed it! yeah! also i nearly cried when i said goodbye to my instructors bc they were brilliant and I'm gonna miss them so bloody much, I'm sad I'll never see them again.

yeah.

[transrightsjimin]

im sorry im not rly in the BE hype atm :((

rant coming which has nothing to do w the album but everything w stress nd fatigue nd crying nd more job stress nd sensory overload and me turning everything into a worse issue in my head etc etc

i was this morning when i saw the mv nd watched the vlive but i obv slept way too few bc i went to bed late nd woke up early for the live and i had to rush a lot w errands nd an appointment w my autism coach nd at said appointment we called a dude from the municipality to inquire abt jobcoaches nd it turned out we misunderstood what jobcoaches are as they are who u get referred to when u have a job, nd the guy found it hard to figure out what type of trajectory(?) would best fit me for help nd now i have time to think abt it and will speak him again in 2 weeks or sooner if i want to. im just so tired nd a bit hungry and on edge and one sec, im in the side of the house tht faces kids playing around aka screeching as if theyre dying every second nd its majking me only more on edge!!!!

but urgh i cried so bad during the appointment and was prob way too rudde to her before the appointment, bc she talks loudly nd sounds rude nd confronting but just naturally bc ofher tone nd language nd urghgh h thikning abt jobs nd trying to talk nd not cry too hard when trying to explain stuff to the man over the phone was rly hard, like obv its fine if he knows im crying but its just hard to talk when crying nd im just so devastated thinking abt jobs!! i dont know what type of job i could handle nd it feels like im making everythig up bc i did somehow finish two studies in uni and im privileged enough w education and whiteness tobe more easily selected for a job by e.g. last name on my cv and i shouldnt be this picky but god i cant handle smth as physically demanding and underpaid as this, im tired 4/7 days that im not working nd what i earn in those 3 days is still not enough to cover rent bc they pay only for the delivery time itself instead of more hours!!! it just feels like wtf am i doing bc the municipality guy did admit im not the usual person he works w bc i had an education, as if i dont belong in the group but its really just an issue of having -100 confidence and no job experience!! like i rly dont strive for a fancy job or ‘’’career’’’, i just bneed something that i can pay my monthly expenses w and have a bit left to save up for e.g. emergencies, additional medical bills (like the 350 euros from the adhd diagnosis and therapy, which my autism coach will contact my adhd therapist abt, like if that bill can be delayed or split up in a payment plan), paying back for loan debt eventually and MAYBE soon god forbid i save up for smth fun. and i “need” the job also to have a daily activity and some structure in my life bc a large part of the reason my schedule is so fucked up is bc i have no more set time tht i need to be anywhere or any strictness or reason to get up nd so i just dont ghhh

im always looking for reasons why i cant do smth and why smth would go wrong and im already looking at every area where getting help w getting a job can go wrong like e.g. me being too stubborn abt companies i dont agree w or me thinking i cant do anything just bc i have not much working experience outside of mail delivery :(

nd then there was this A B C task list system my adhd therapist proposed in wihc i keep track of my most to least urgent + important tasks every day nd we werent sure where to keep track of that kind of list and she suggested sticking a paper to a wall (i think id rather use my wardrobe) to write it on and change or replace that every day and it sounds like a hassle but i rly need to do it every day, nd i can try other methods but thatd be either writing it on my phone but im not always on there nd theres not a type of file i can make that doesnt move back chronologically as i make new notes

ALSO im just very frustrated w myself bc my mom wanted to come over w food and i know she was too sudden w it but if only i left on time for the stores it wouldnt have been an issue. i feel like shes rly sad she couldnt come visit. fucking hell i rushed so much back and forth from the stores that i forgot to put the leftover letters from work yesterday into the outdoor mailbox and i already stress abt this bc my current teamcoach (aka manager) is more stricter w this stuff nd recently asked for a statement / explanation by me on why there were 29 letters w/o sticker from a route i did  counted from the collected mail that were in outdoor mailboxes, and i did not do that but my only alibi / reason for not making that huge mistake was that i hadnt posted any mail yet that day and obv he wasnt happy w that. i sometimes had dreams / nightmares recently where i was late again or fucked up w a new route and got fired for it and thats quite an awful scenario / fear to me bc thats exactly why my dad was fired by his previous employee, for being late too often nd we’re the exact same. it just sucks bc i know many ppl who worry abt being late arrive to early at shit bc lol anxiety but i still arrive late every day WHILE being stressed abt it nd my whole fucking issue is that i need to break w bad patterns MYSELF, like whether i get help for autism stuff or adhd or sleep or whatnot, the homework / assignments / tasks / advice they give me, in the end i still need to be the one to do it and push through and make a change or put more effort into not going continuously back to the same distractions or demotivating black-white thinking

just URGH im so easily annoyed nd sensitive, also as in sensitive on a tactile level nd it doesnt help tht my room is a mess nd im super stinky from bts BE excitement and from squeezing my skin a lot last night, nor does the fact that i have rly bad coordination / awareness of my surroundings nd continuously bumping into shit or getting caught on smth help, which is also another reason im just so slow at work bc if i try to walk or deliver mail faster i keep end up bruising nd tripping or tear my hands on all these hard to move or sharp mail box slots if im not careful nd slower, which does still happen but not as bad when im careful

im also rly dizzy rn from haing slept too few and just urgh i “need“ a stupid fucking job, i need the money i need the structure but my god does actual labour and having to deal w colleagues every day and trying to keep up w stuff and be fast and precise enough in whatever the job is, sound horrifying hhhgghgh

OK RANT OVER IM SICK OF ME TALKING SO MUCH

[pirate-kid2k19-blog]

How i can stay up for 48 hours so easily (dont reccommend, you might start hearing things or seeing things and you might drink an unhealthy amount of coffee or energy drinks, and u will make more stupid decisions):

After the first 24 hours is up, itll be easier to stay awake longer

Its hard to sleep when ur on cocaine 👀👀😂

Im scene and my name is kyle so obviously if i can i drink monster but if i really need energy then i drink a bang

I eat more. Food gives you energy, no matter what, even if its a small amount of energy, its still something. Without sleep, your body will absorb the food's energy instead of getting energy from sleep bc ur not sleeping.

I listen to fast pace music or metal. Music only makes me sleepy if its a song ive heard like 60 times already. Or if its spa music or sumn. So my favorite songs to keep me awake are listed by band here.

I keep moving around if i can. Whether its just fidgeting, cleaning, or simply moving my fingers a lot by typing quicker, i try to move more to keep my blood and energy flowing so i can stay awake easier

Keeping at least one bright light on or facing or using a light that is not white or offwhite. The brighter the better. If u have those decorative light strip things on ur ceiling or the top of ur wall or whatever, blue purple and red keep me awake the easiest. Or rainbow flashing (if you dont like flashing or itll give u a seizure or sumn then there should be a fade option i think. I had a rainbow party bulb that had a fade option. And im gonna get another one friday or saturday, whenever i get my allowance and a trip to walmart or home depot lol. But the fade is easier on the eyes than flashing) and make sure youre exposed to white or offwhite light at least every hour or so bc the color light will temporarily affect your vision if u r in it or look at it for too long.

Stay on your phone, tablet, or computer a lil if you can. The screen will keep u up. But dont stay on it for too long especially in the dark it can fuck up your vision and hurt your eyes. So be careful.

Strong scents. Sniff a strong perfume or if you have it a really strong candle or incense. The stronger, the better. Itll open yyour senses a bit.

Stretch your body or like move or shake a part of it every now and then to tell your body it needs to not fall asleep

I try to do as little as possible during the day to keep the energy for the night, unless i have to go do something important or tiring that day. If i have to do ssomething important or tiring and i know it i try to at least get about 4-6 hours of sleep. But this is abt pulling multiple all nighters in a row lol

If its obvious you didnt sleep at all and people are going to be asking you, heres some excuses:"i think i may be about to start my period or something maybe" "i just woke up tired idk" "i was up a little late last night because i couldnt sleep, and i also kept waking up a lot." "Idk why im so tired to be honest" "my (insert pet) kept me up all night" "i tried to sleep but my phone was blowing up all night and i was too tired to get up snd turn it or the notifications off" "(insert friend) kept me up all night" "i was watching youtube and got distracted, i didnt realize what time it was til it was nearly 3 in the morning" and those are some of the ones i use/have used/think might work

I try and have a lot of caffeine, but not too much. I drink like a cup of coffee, and have soda or smth with or between my meals. I still drink water and stuff, but i drink stuff with caffeine in it when i feel like im about to pass out or something.

Ive got insomnia anyways so i mean... (its undiagnosed but i literally have all the signs/symptoms, so we all feel theres no need to get the doctor to diagnose me since we already know for certain)

I sometimes do drugs yall sorry i failed at being sxe like i was b4 i was 8 😳👊

I talk to my friends if theyre awake. Some live on the other side of the world in like russia n shit so normally its daytime for them lol

I think ive gotten most of it. However if yyou need to stay up to like finish a project or sumn hmu, my dms and asks are open if you need more tips.

[countrygangrel]

i want All of them for cassie thank u

1:  their voice

she doesnt rlly have a like ? canon voice but shes probably a low alto. her voice is sorta annoying in that childish way. she raises her voice a little when she talks unless its really early or really late nd then shes got more of a ? not soft in volume but Soft nd Pillowy nd Sorta husky voice. its surprising coming from her shitposty mouth but /s

2:  their smile

she has a rlly crooked and shit eatin grin. if shes smiling in a way that Isnt shitstirry its rare but its normally pretty wide. normally if shes smiling like that shes Laughing nd she has a rlly ? loud laugh she takes up a lot of space Vocally

3:  their greatest achievement

she probably considers graduating her greatest achievement rn dskdhsds she did not so great in school and she struggled even when she did apply herself. she was probably close to failing out? so she either barely got thru or took her ged instead. either way shes got her diploma now and shes happy abt it

4:  their insecurities

shes actually pretty insecure but she covers it up dskdshsdkh shes worried a lot abt ? being wanted. nd shes worried abt ppl thinking of her as a joke. shes also worried abt both fitting in and Not fitting in which seems contradictory but shes well aware it is

5:  their shortcomings

does her being physically short count /s

shes? not that smart smh shes surprisingly naive. shes also sorta ? quick to anger she doesnt like rolling over and taking stuff that she doesnt have to. shes the type to argue over smallish stuff. shes a ? bit of a bully. shes also easily manipulated :/ shes also real petty

6:  how they deal with grief

she gets ? rlly petty and quicker to anger. she snaps rlly easily. she cries some but Alone if she can help it. she tries to also ? avoid and ignore the issue and if ppl try to force her to deal with it she tries to fight it

7:  how they like to dress

she has 3 (three) modes: 

‘femme’: normally when her mom has some say in what shes wearing. she likes wearing her hair in a ponytail like this nd she likes dresses. she likes ? flace and florals nd feeling pretty. she lets her mom do her makeup mostly shes not very good at it. lots of blues

gamer: self explanatory. lots of black. she puts her hair up in a bun with a scrunchy. she wears cargo shorts or basketball shorts a lot. sometimes sneakers. she calls it a ‘look’ even tho its just her being real lazy

sleepy: she likes those two piece pj sets. her faves are a star wars one she has and a probably lion king one since she loves lions. she keeps her hair down in this mode unless its rlly hot then its in a high ponytail, a bun, or braids 

8:  what they like to eat

shes an unhealthy girl she loves Junk like pizza rolls and pop tarts. her favorite food is any kind that she gets when shes not supposed to be eating tho. at like 2 am and shit. sneaking out and trying to stop the microwave in time. most of time she making pizza rolls, chicken nuggets, or hot chocolate

9:  their theme

[probably this] or [this] shes the girl in both dkssh

10:  their fashion sense

Bad if no one stopped her shed dress in the gamer mode all the time

11:  their family life

its good now! shes close w her mom and one of her brothers dskdshdskh. 

as far as shes concerned thats her Entire family /s

she doesnt rlly get along with her Oldest brother or one of the ones closer to her age smh she doesnt like how they treat the rest of them nd shes quick to snap at them. shes driven the one close to her age off once but he came back. she isnt afraid to drive him off Again tho. she was in foster care for ? most of her life before getting adopted by marge and that wasnt great but she doesnt talk abt it rlly

12:  their romantic life

its also good sdkdshj she lives with her gf now and she loves it a lot even tho it can be a bully. shes thinkin abt maybe proposing in the Future but for rn shes content with what she has. she wants to adopt some pets. maybe rabbits

13:  their embarrassing memory from years ago

she has a Lot but the most embarrassing to her is probably getting kicked off the track team for excessive detentions. she considers it the most embarrassing instead of say the her extreme s j w phase bc she cried when they told her she couldnt be in the club anymore

14:  how they react to burning their tongue on food

she normally just says fuck and tears up before continuing eating

15:  how they react to a brainfreeze

she Also says fuck nd puts her thumb on the roof of her mouth

16:  their dreams

she doesnt rlly? have any solid dreams rn :/c so im gonna talk abt her Actual dreams. she has a lot of dreams abt dancing. some abt Running. she isnt sure if its from smthng or To smthng but she just knows she has to run. shes had at least one dream where she killed and ate an animal and it freaked her out a little. she stayed up when she woke up from it suddenly

17:  their ambitions

rlly she just wants to be able to support her and her gf sdkjsdksd get a nice house. shes seen how her mom lives and she ? wants smthng like that she wants family, 

18:  how they sleep

she likes curling in on herself on Top of her gf or a big pillow or a Pile of pillows and stuffed animals. but she can sleep most places. shes slept on the floor before and her bed normally isnt very comfortable. she Loves those fuckin temperpedic beds tho she likes soft comfy things

19:  their reaction to betrayal

shes mostly sad abt it :/c but shed probably ? yell at the person abt it if she Could. if she couldnt shed mostly just mope or play it off like it didnt bother her. shed probably go out of her way to avoid them tho in the future

20:  their reaction to a mystery love letter

shed be? very surprised but also touched and Suspicious sjdkdsh she doesnt think shes very desireable but she Does love compliments. shed wanna know who did it tho shed try to do some Sleuthing 

21:  how they react to pain

shes a big baby she Whines abt it. lots of complaining. she complains More if there r other ppl around who either saw her get hurt or can see that she Got hurt

22:  what they’re like on two hours of sleep

shes normally rlly ? gittery and nervous and also like shes ascended to another plane bc shed do smthng stupid like drink a Shit ton of different energy drinks. shed end up crashing in the middle of the day tho

23:  how they act when they’re sick

she whines but normally just ends up trying to sleep it off if she cant get someone to baby her. ultimately tho shed just want attention she likes to be babied it makes her feel loved

24:  what motivates them

shes kdsjds primarily motivated by Money and Food she has very basic needs

25:  why you enjoy them

dsjksddhsjsd this is a hard question but i ? rlly enjoy the dynamic she has with seth nd i like playing her and i think shes one of my aesthetically cuter ocs i Love her

[seargantblue]

oh im so happy for u! really glad ur so happy :) hope u dont mind but i kinda wanna know how it all started between u guys and what ur friends think of it (since i guess they knew abt ur 'sexual confusion') and my last question whats the ideal couple in ur opinion? (again im very bored and i dont really have a love life whatsoever and im also very confused thats why im so interested in how u figured it all out i wish i could talk 2 u off anon but im so shy)

aaah u r so nice anon let me love u !! Im still very surprised myself that all this turned out the way it did tbh and I have no idea how I ‘did it’ it just happened. and maybe thats the magic behind all this feeling and love shit: it just happens and u dont rly have a say in all this. this is cheesy and overused, but I dont think u can force love and its still mysterious to me how some ppl just go in a bar and find somebody to talk to and then get together with that person. how do u do that ??? again under a cut bc its quite a long story but im gonna keep it short(yeah…) and thx again for having interest in my life haha! I hope that maybe it helps you or anybody out there who is confused as well!

I know him bc hes a good friend and old classmate of my best friend and she brought them to parties so thats how we met (bc I didnt knew him that well during school time) Its actually not rly that nice of a story bc we did start talking bc two of our friends had a huge fight and we wanted to help/needed someone to talk to, so that was the first time i rly talked to him (we were drunk and holding hands while sharing a wine bottle on the way to a club ((note: I love holding hands when a lill tipsy so that wastn rly anything ‘‘romantic’‘))and from that moment on we started to talk more (mostly via chat) but also when we met at parties, but it still took some time until we met sober for the first time (i actually didnt knew he could talk so much!! i thought hes more of a silent person, a lil bit grumpy even) but we had a nice conversation about italy and art over a few beers (but not rly drunk) and I think I even slept at his place ??? and thats also something we did quite often at the beginning: sleep at each others place bc we both rly like to cuddle. sometimes when rly drunk we would kiss but mostly just cuddle and make up excuses to sleep at each others place

and well that went on a while - going out together, cuddling, sometimes making out - we also started to hang out sober which was !!!! very nice. I didnt realize I had such strong feelings for him back then, bc I was confused and had the usual trouble of not being able to differentiate between “friend feelings” or “love feelings”. Also I never really had my usual crush-feelings for him which confused me more (but in the end made me realize that its way more than a crush). and well I continue to spend a lot of time with him and then did the usual stupid thing I tend to do: i only concentrated on him. And kinda forget my friends on the way which made them get angry at me and then I got angry at them bc I thought they should just be happy that we get along so good and I fucked up bad and said some incredible stupid things to my friends, which I regret very much now. And he also had some drama/troubles going on with friends of his/life so we bonded over that again yeah… not that romantic and it nearly destroyed the friendship to my best friends which made me regret my relationship with him for a while. bc I thought if I hadnt started talking to him, maybe all that shit wouldnt have happened ??? and that made me feel bad bc I didnt want to wish him away u know ?? and thats probably the moment where I realized that I was in for some deep feeling shit and NOPE it wasnt just a ‘friend crush’ lel. I actually tried to ignore this feeling for quite a while bc I didnt want to deal with all that shit, but u cant do that bc feelings are mean and will get u in the end. Well ANYWAY. thats how we met and after a while we started making out sober too (actually the first person I ever kissed while not being very drunk) and all that shit. Over the summer I actually felt terrible bc I didnt want this ‘we r not together but we behave like we r’ situation, but I also couldnt end this whole thing bc yeah- feelings and stuff soooo yeah, I already told the rest in ur other ask (: I think my friends didnt really like all that shit at first bc I put him above them and bc Im an idiot I didnt tell them anything that happened between me and him. some of them asked if we have sex or not and what he thinks abt me not wanting sex, so I told them what I told u in the other ask: not now, maybe some day, idc ;) They r rly supportive btw!! I was a mental wreck when this whole asexual thing started and they helped a lot.aaaah this got really long im so sorry, but this whole thing between us started around april (??) last year so its been quite some stuff going on (but it does sound more dramatic and exciting than it actually was looola perfect couple for me are two (or more if they can make it work tbh) ppl who support each other in all situations. who dont glorify the other person, know their flaws and love them still. I only know I love him bc when he does something stupid or gross or really weird I usually sit there and think “fuck I love this idiot” so yeaaah… kids, thats how u know u love someone: when they can fart on command and u find it funny instead of gross. and well an ideal partner just has to make u feel like u r a wonderful person and u deserve love and u deserve happiness and they try to make u happy and support u!! and they see potential and beautiful things in u, even if u cant see them urself and when they look at u, u still get butterflies in ur stomach. I sometimes still feel like throwing up when Im with him bc its just too much for my lil heart. if u can imagine waking up to them everyday and want to spend nearly every second with them and hate urself for being a cheesy romantic idiot: then u probably found a person u should try and keep as long as possibleTL;DRwe met over a mutual friend, the usual ‘dancing around each other and sometimes making out drunk’ happened, I cant remember when I fell in love but maybe it was from the beginning ???, nothing was planned we just coincidentally crashed in each others lifes and decided to stay,he makes me more happy (and sad) than anything/anyone before