#''wait how many pianos are in this track'' YEAH

[oldiesstationlover11607]

Hello. It’s me, anonymous (yes. I am the person who submitted the torchbearer request. That was amazing by the way! You’re an amazing writer!).

I feel bad asking for another TØP one shot (another Josh one on top of that), but I was wondering if you could do a fluffy one where Josh teaches the reader to play the drums a little bit everyday after soundcheck for the Clancy tour, but they don’t tell Tyler (no reason. They just want to mess with him). You can end it however you want, but I think it would be cute Tyler accidentally interrupts a cute moment Josh and the reader are having.

You don’t have to follow this exactly (or at all), I just think it’s cute. Only if you want to of course.

Drum lessons - Josh Dun x Reader

Pairing: Josh Dun x Reader

Warnings: None! Super fluffy <3

A/N: Dude I love tøp and have been waiting for someone to just throw requests my way so NEVER feel bad for requesting tøp. They’re my main fandom anyways and no one has been requesting them so ily 🤟 I'd love to assign you an anon emoji so I know who my anons are so let me know which one you want next time you request. And keep requesting! I write for both Josh and Tyler (and I love Josh a lot so keep them coming!)

I couldn’t tell you how many times I’d watched Josh play drums and wondered how on earth he managed to get each of his limbs to move at different speeds. I’d played guitar before, and I understood how piano worked, but drums just left me clueless. The boys had been practising for the Clancy tour for a few days, and it was the last day before we travelled to Denver. Tyler had gone to get changed and shower before driving home, but Josh and I stayed behind to talk to Mark and film some stuff. The red drum kit sat alone on the stage. I stared at it before sitting behind it and holding the sticks.

“Look at you!” Josh laughed. I smiled brightly at him. “Well if you’re gonna be behind the kit at least play me something.” I hit the snare, kick, and cymbals making a loud (and awful) sound. I burst out laughing, knowing it sounded terrible yet I was thoroughly enjoying myself. 

“I should replace you as the drummer shouldn’t I?” I grinned. He walked up behind me, holding me in a backwards hug. Pressing his lips to my cheek, he whispered “Not quite.” I looked around to see the crew were all gone. “I could teach you though.” He had to be joking. Yeah, I could play guitar and was interested in what Josh did, but he was crazy to think I had the coordination even to play something basic. 

“Haha funny,” I smirked, putting the sticks down and getting up. 

“No, seriously,” he followed quickly behind me as I grabbed my stuff and headed to our car. “It would be something cool for us to do together on tour. Tyler normally leaves after soundcheck to hang with Jenna and the kids. We’d have time.” He was right. I really did want to learn to play drums; they’d always fascinated me. “Come on… it would be fun,” Josh enticed, getting into the car. 

“Yeah, okay,” I nodded, “let’s do it.” 

The first ‘session’ was a disaster. He’d attempted to get me to do a ‘basic’ drum beat he called some complicated name I’d forgotten the name of by the time I sat down. 

“No, no, like this.” He hit one of the drums before stopping to let me try. I’d just stayed to get it before we were told to get off stage. “You’ll get it next time y/n, trust me,” Josh reached for my hand and led me down the halls of the venue. 

“Why don’t we just choose a pilots’ song and you teach me that? Surely there’s an easy one?” I asked. He perked up in excitement. 

“Yeah, that’s a great idea. Routines isn’t too hard, we could even get out up on stage once you get it down,” he smiled. There was no way on earth that would ever happen. 

“Sure Josh, sure,” I rolled my eyes. 

A few sessions later I was starting to get the handle of it. Josh would play the track on his phone and tell me which drums to hit and when until I remembered what to do. 

“Kick, snare, kick, kick, kick, snare. Oh, and remember to keep hitting the high hat the whole time.” I continued to play the song while Josh air drummed and Tyler’s voice played in the background. “Yes! There you go!” I flashed him a smile as I hit the last drumbeat in the song. Josh snuck up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pressing his lips to mine. I kissed him back, cupping his jaw and smiling into the kiss. Josh’s baseball cap brushed against my forehead as we pulled away. I pull it off him and put it on backwards, just like him. 

“Drums are actually kinda fun.”

“Of course they are. I told you, you could do it,” he still held me close in his arms, “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” I brushed one of his loose curls out of his face, wondering how lucky I was to have him. He turned his head into my hand, pressing his lips to my palm. “You’re my favourite person.” The curtains backstage ruffled as Tyler stepped out onto the stage. 

“Josh you’re still practicing? I thought we finished soundcheck,” he shouted, running across the venue to the B-stage drum island. “We already did Routines.” Tyler was dressed in his first tour outfit, holding the Clancy mask in his hand. Josh rested his head in the crook of my neck as he looked at Tyler. “Oh shoot, sorry,” Tyler smiled awkwardly, realizing the position we were in, “I didn’t realise you were uh… what was it you were doing?” I waited for Josh to say something, but he stayed quiet. Tyler waited patiently for either of us to answer the question. “Wait, was y/n playing?” A more confident smile spread across his face. Josh sat up and nodded eagerly at Tyler.

“Yep, I taught her the song, she’s amazing isn’t she?” 

“Yeah, I genuinely thought you were Josh with that hat and the drumming over the speakers,” Tyler said, sitting down on the b-stage just next to the drum kit. “You know, it would be cool to have you on stage together playing.” I knew this was coming. I could practically feel the smirk grow on Josh’s face. “And I’m guessing he’s already tried to convince you. I’m sure we can set that up, the fans would go crazy,” he rested his head on his hands, staring up at the roof of the venue. I placed the drumsticks back into their storage cup before getting up from the kit and sitting in front of Josh on the floor. He nudged me, trying to bring my attention to the idea of playing on stage. 

“I-uh… I don’t think it’s for me, you know. You guys perform in front of massive crowds and given that it took me 3 weeks to talk to Josh after we properly met, my anxiety could never,” I pulled at the sleeves of my sweater nervously. 

Tyler smiled at me, knowingly, “I get it, it takes a lot to perform in front of people every night.” I nodded, glad he understood my situation. 

“Just know that I can make it happen if you want it to,” Josh smiled. 

“Of course you can.”

//

Please submit any requests y'all have! I love to write so let me know if you've got any!

[kristiemewisstan]

The Tortured Poets Department Unhinged First Listen Review:

Fortnight-

NEEDS MORE POSTY, we love a “I wanna kill her”, this one MIGHT BE about Matty Healy lol “I touched you for only a fortnight”

The Tortured Poets Department-

“WHO USES TYPEWRITERS ANYWAY” YOU BITCH ITS YOU LOL, Charlie Puth name drop 🤨 oh god so many name drops, THIS BRIDGE, not the wedding ring…

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys-

THERE WAS A LITANY OF REASONS WHY WE SHOULDVE PLAYED FOR KEEPS THIS TIME my jaw literally dropped the entire last verse

Down Bad-

“Everything comes up teenage petulance” this one is cringy but in a way I love, Taylor Is Very Much A Down Bad Girlie

So Long, London-

this song is tachycardic I PROMISE I MADE THIS JOKE BEFORE “STOPPED CPR”, two graves one gun I SWORE THAT YOU LOVED ME BUT WHERE WAS THE CLUES damn she’s really sad to lose London huh

But Daddy I Love Him-

this would have a cool music video “she’s was chaos he was revelry” this is if red and the 1975 had a child that’s the vibe

Fresh Out the Slammer-

Okay so this is the “I just realized how bad this relationship truly was and thank god I’m out of it”, okay the weird slow down stuff wasn’t my favorite thing

Florida!!!-

I’m cackling, THE FLORENCE VERSE IS SO GOOD I think that this is just a Florence and the machine song it sounds so like them

Guilty as Sin?-

Okay this is the first one I’ve been like “oooooo I really like this one” “what if I roll the stone away, they’re gonna crucify me anyway” DAMN some religious imagery will always get me right in the trauma

Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?-

This one has a lot of the brain scratching pauses “don’t you worry folks we took out all her teeth” oof this song is just really angry

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)-

Cowboy Like Me but they don’t end up happy, okay “good boy” made me giggle so apparently in a 12 year old boy

loml-

PIANO! WANT IVE WANTED THE WHOLE TIME “still alive, killin time at the cemetery, never quite buried” I’m getting a gun and flying to London, I swear “TALKING RINGS AND TALKING CRADLES 🤨” JOE ALWYN FOUND DEAD IN A DITCH “THE LOSS OF MY LOVE” COUNT YOUR DAYS JOSEPH 💀, this should’ve been track 5

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart-

hello production that is giving Barbie movie/80s vibes, this is the first one I’m certain was written recently like it was definitely written on tour, the peppy “cause I’m miserable!” Hurt Me but also same

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived-

THE BREATH ahhhhh PIANO! “I don’t even want you back I just want to know if rusting my sparkling summer was the goal” okay back half of the album is eating, THE PICKUP, SPEAK NOW VIBES BUT MOM IS OLDER AND MADDER

The Alchemy-

ok ok ok “I circled you on a map I haven’t come around in so long but I’m coming back so strong” fucking meant,👌 touchdown mention lmao, okay this is SO ABOUT TRAVIS 🥹🥰

Clara Bow-

Best production on the album in the first 10 seconds, BEAUTY IS THE BEAST THAT ROSE, WAIT WHAT????? “You look like Taylor Swift” yeah queen because you are lol, It’s so people can make the audio of her singing all the album names lmao

First Overall Listen- 7/10

I was getting nervous in the front half but the back half more than made up for it

The vibe was just off at the start and honestly that’s probably a me thing and will get better with further listens

The lyrics were amazing as always

Production was okay, some of the songs were perfect and some had me going 🤨

Charlie Puth

Top 3 in no particular order (apparently I like songs that hurt me):

Guilty as Sin?

loml

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

[cieloclercs]

Could we possibly get a sneak peek of the next sliding doors chapter?? 😉

here it is! a little snippet of domestic life with joão and esperanza… i’m saving the party scenes for when i publish the full chapter (aka they’re only in first draft stage at the moment, sorry 🫠)

read under the cut!

João hadn't bothered going back to his apartment when he arrived back from Liverpool. He went straight to Esperanza's. She was waiting for him inside, halfway through her newest painting (a commission from Mrs Davies of one of her many cats — this had become a regular occurrence since the woman found out Esperanza was a painter, and she would pay her a pretty decent sum for her efforts too). João was used to the chaos of Esperanza's apartment by now. Most of the time when he went round to see her, she would be mid-project, with her brushes and paints scattered everywhere, an old, baggy shirt framing her figure and nothing but a pencil, twisted into the curls, holding her hair into a bun on the back of her head. Her apartment almost always smelled like coffee and acrylic paint. It wasn't exactly something João had ever thought he would love as much as he did — but it just felt like Esperanza.

The story was much the same when he finally got back to the apartment complex. He knocked on her door but didn't wait for an answer before opening it (neither of them bothered anymore). Esperanza was inside, hunched over a canvas with a concentrated frown on her face and some classical piece playing softly through the speakers she always kept on the kitchen cabinet. She didn't hear him as he stepped into the room. João smiled. He'd been expecting it. She was lost to the world when she painted.

"Is that for Mrs Davies?" João's voice cut through the gentle lull or piano keys and strings. Esperanza looked up. Her frown cleared, revealing a smile like the sun when she caught sight of him.

"Yep." she nodded, struggling to her feet and dusting off her knees. They too were splattered with paint, "She's paying me sixty to do a big one of — what was his name again? — Oh, Mr Whiskers. That woman has so many cats I can't keep track."

João walked forward to stand beside her, kissing her sweetly, and looked down at the painting laid out on the floor. Just like everything Esperanza did, it was immaculate. He couldn't quite fathom just how talented she was: and just how fortunate he was to be the man in her life. In all honesty, João wasn't entirely sure what she saw in him, but at this point, he'd just take the win.

"Mrs Davies has a black cat?" he asked, scrunching up his nose in faint horror. In Esperanza's painting the cat was certainly a black one; with wide, stare-into-your-soul type of green eyes that somehow, from within the canvas, seemed to follow him when he shifted his gaze. João shuddered. He'd never been much of a cat person to begin with, but black cats were a step too far.

"Yeah, it freaks me out too." Esperanza giggled softly at the look on his face, "And I'm not usually a superstitious person, but this cat is scary. Don't tell Mrs Davies I said that."

João nodded distractedly. He'd lost his train of thought as soon as her heard her light, bubbling laugh. It was becoming one of his favourite sounds, he had recently discovered. He forfeited any capability of continuing the conversation, left with nothing but a stupid smile on his face and a blank mind. Only Esperanza ever seemed to be able to render him absolutely speechless, his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish. A lot of the time, she didn't even have to do anything. João was just enamoured with her. That was all it took.

Esperanza's fingers clicked in front of his face, breaking him out of his trance. He'd been staring, it seemed, because now she was gazing up at him with a questioning smile. He scratched the back of his neck sheepishly.

Most of the time when João visited Esperanza's, he was more than happy to just watch her paint. In fact, that had been a specific request of his the last few times he'd been round. On the cold, rainy days when it was simply too miserable to go anywhere, they'd sit on Esperanza's living room floor, listening to the patter or raindrops on the window as her paintbrush glided masterfully across the canvas. There was something so peaceful about it; so intimate. Neither of them felt the need to fill the silence in those moments. Just being in each others' presence — close enough to hold — was more than enough.

five days until i leave school 🤭🤭

[frankieunscripted]

Lahai by Sampha (2023)

I stormed into my Mom's room, screaming "MAMA, SAMPHA JUST DROPPED, LISTEN TO HIS DIVINE VOICE, DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU WANNA SCREAM!?!??!" and she just stared at me in confusion, asking who Sampha even was. If you don't know, go check out my first Music Monday Post about his debut album Process. I distinctly remember hearing Spirit 2.0 and Only as singles that came out during the album roll out and being so mega hyped about the new Sampha-Project. We waited 2450 days for this since Process. And then it dropped. By the heavens did I scream. I had just begun studying at uni, everything was so new (and kind of intimidating, I'm not even gonna lie) - Sampha reaching out with something new, but still so familiar was a real gift.

I'll be including some of my impressions from my first listening session of the album for each song, because I actually wrote these down back in October 2023. Can I just say: Album cover art? Check. Soft sounds? Check. Angelic voice? Check. Smooth, mellow vibes? Absolutely.

Stereo Colour Cloud (Shaman's Dream): Wow. I'm immediately in Sampha's world. Nice percussion and bass combo! Just vibey, dreamy and delicate. I love that!

Spirit 2.0: Nice, dreamy single. Still great after a few months.

Dancing Circles: It feels uneasy and playful, but still so calming and fragile.

Suspended: aka What It Feels Like To Listen To Sampha. Just exactly out of space, so nice! And really showing off his vocals.

Satellite Business: This track fits perfectly after Suspended, as a little interlude, but with a small switch up.

Jonathan L. Seagull: It's giving school choir (which is something I personally dislike in music, I don't like kids' voices for some reason), but it's still very floaty. I love what the piano is doing in the intro.

Inclination Compass (Tenderness): ahhhh, so good! It's so slow and tender (oh yeah? It literally says in the title, duh). It sounds fragile and so intimate. I'm usually not a fan of love songs, but this one just feels like you're with someone; there's so much stuff, emotion, feels in this song. And boy, when these soft drums set in in the second half!!!!

Only: Still love it after listening to it so many times during the rollout. I think it's quite energetic compared to the previous track and I like that dynamic.

Time Piece: cute little french interlude.

Can't Go Back: It's Sampha, it's good. I feel like this is one of these songs on which Sampha really shows what he can do with his vocals. It does get kinda repetitive after a while though.

Evidence: Angelic vocals as always and there's a nice beat switch at the end.

Wave Therapy: Instant playlist maker, even though it's just a little vibey-dangley interlude

What If You Hypnotise Me?: Bro, I was enamored after just 20 seconds. How fucking beautiful is a song allowed to be? Delicate piano and Sampha's voice. I remember slouching back and closing my eyes on this one the first time. It just fully encompassed my head for a while.

Rose Tint: "Everybody gather round", Sampha dropped a new album. This is such a nice closer. I would've expected more of an "illunimation moment" for the end of the project, but I ain't gon lie, I was gasping for air and had heart palpitations the first time - can you tell I'm a fan and have been WAITING for this album?!?

Again, with a runtime of about 40 minutes, Lahai is a "light meal" album - not too much to go through in one single sitting, just as Process. Most of these songs are my "early morning trip to downtown uni in the winter" soundtrack. I listened to this album so much in the background and on the subway already, it's crazy to actually sit back down and embrace all of the music consciously again. You should listen to this if you liked Process. If you didn't like Process, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you (sarcasm), but you should still listen to Lahai.

Thanks for reading this far!

I made a playlist including all the music I talk about on Music Monday, which I'll regularly update with each drop. Here's a link to it:

So yeah, let me know what you think about Music Monday and the music featured on it so far.

[queenlua]

tagged by @vintar for “ten songs you’re vibing to right now”!

ok, i gotta tell you just how EXCITED i was when i got tagged in this, because

i saw it earlier this week, just as me and a friend were talking about our misspent youths, which for both of us involved an awful lot of “stockpiling dope midi file versions of various anime theme songs,” right

and i was like “bro i still have my WHOLE COLLECTION,” and we spent a VERY pleasant evening nostalgia’ing over the tracks i found, and now here i am, days later, sharing ten of my dopest midi files with you as well (& all my fine fine followers ofc)

here’s the dropbox link!  a guide:

abyss.mid: god wasn’t this song so sick when it was in dance dance revolution

galaxia.mid: i have NO IDEA what song is from.  hmu if you recognize it?  lil’ kid me was impressed with its majestic scope, its sick reverb, its really fun ancient-temple-y orchestration, and, ok yeah adult me agrees this one rules

giveareason.mid: i have never watched slayers in my life but i have listened to the midi of its theme song approximately one billion times

lastempl.mid: i think this is the last temple theme of one of the earlier zelda games?  i like how AGGRESSIVE it is, just, RIGHT out of the gate it’s loud and in your face

nightwait.mid: *old man voice* back in my day we didn’t have enough space to download em pee threes.  we had to collect midi files of cool pop songs.  such as jennifer lopez’s classic “waiting for tonight”

SD3_-_Innocent_Sea.mid: it’s a tune from Seiken Densetsu 3, a game soundtrack i find overall tragically underrated.  (the whole series, really; Secret of Mana has some absolute bangers too!)  anyway “Innocent Sea” and its companion “Innocent Water” have fucked me up for years; ask me to play the latter on the piano at a nerd convention sometime

sealcrazy.mid: there was this one wildlife artist who sold his art on his lovingly handcrafted website and he had a different midi file for each page.  like each piece of art for sale had its own page.  anyway this was my introduction to Seal, though i didn't realize it until i heard it on the radio when i was 25 and was like HOLY SHIT IT'S THE LIVE VERSION OF THAT MIDI FILE

song1.mid: i think this one might be from Ultima?  like the original Ultima online?  but i’m really not sure; i found it on a Geocities website for this horse roleplaying game called Black & Blue where this song played in the background during its cool Javascript intro page, where they told the story of The Falling-Out Between The Two Brothers That Has Now Cleaved Our Realm Into Two, and like, text would fade in & out in sync with the music?  such a sick effect.  loved it

song2.mid: this played once you entered the main part of the site.  might be another Ultima song.  who fuckin knows

SongoftheWolf.mid: some of you didn’t listen to an absolutely disgusting number of world music albums + Enya during your formative years and it shows

anyway, i will spin the wheel since i’m honestly looking for some new music (i have to drive a bunch during the next month, UGH): @radicarian @ourlightsinvain @jaggedwolf @soanvalcke @departo @nightpool @cyansighs @tototavros  @cyanoscarlet & anyone else who wants to join!  (did i mention. i have to drive a lot. please share some music with me. save me from listening to Bad Religion’s The Gray Grace so many times it causes an integer overflow in the fabric of the universe and sends us all straight to hell)

[hypocriticaltypwriter]

bc im bored and bc i wanna see ppl rant about their ocs

i order you to rant abt ur rottmnt oc, gimme every single detail, just let it all out and have fun

OMG I've been waiting for an ask like this!!! LOL I HAVE IT ALL WRITTEN DOWN AND EVERYTHING 💀😭🙏 TYSM ^^

Tamsin is 15 years old all through season 1, 16 in season two, and 17 in the movie! While most moments with her via future, she ranges from 21-42.

Tamsin is super laid back and kinda has that Surfer dude attitude some of the older iterations of the guys had, but she's also super outgoing and ready for anything, wether it be a dance party, or a girls day out with April going mall shopping... Or fighting a bunch of Foot Clan soldiers and going on a car chase after Warren and Hypno.

Unlike her poor gal-pal, April, Tamsin has a job! While it's not the greatest, little pay, and maybe a bit rat infested, she's glad she has it. She works at a 60s themes burger joint, you know the kind with roller-skating waiters and waitresses? Yep, that's Tams. Speaking of which, she is very skilled in skating! It's one of the things she uses when keeping up with Badguys or the Turtles.

While Tamsin seems super chill, she does have this... Competitive side...

You see, she's a people pleaser - always has been since it's what she seeks from her mother and father desperately.

Her whole life she'd spend trying to seek the approval and attention of her parents, whether it be learning the piano or joint the swim team- Tamsins grown up involved in MANY things - specifically sports.

Tamsin plays baseball, basketball, tennis, softball, she's still on the swim team, and she does track, karate, and hockey.

Is she good at all of these... Depends. Does she have that scary competitive spirit that somehow makes her survive through all of these?- defitnely yes.

There is one thing that Tamsin finds herself quite good at and definitely has her eyes set out on achieving moreover in life, and that's boxing/the wrestling team.

Tamsin is a grade A rough houser who likes the thrill and easy blowing off steam exercise that is these two sports give her- and she's pretty good at it with her brute force and just ready to throw hands whenever wherever.

So yeah, you can either have a Sweet hearted, completely chilled out Tamsin. Or you can decide to invite her to some late night basketball and get a basketball to the head at least twelve times - whether on accident or on purpose. (Sorry Raph-)

Tamsin's Role In TMNT

Her role in every iteration is the one behind the camera for our one and only April O'Neil. She's her right hand in all the reports and stories April can get her hands on.

I was kinda sad we didn't get to see (or rarely saw if you consider the movie) was Rise April and her classic News Reporter role we mostly got through the iterations, but they also made her a teen still in highschool. And it got my thinking... What's something that can keep people updated or have a good gossip, but anyone of any age can do?

A podcast/YouTube videos!

And who better to help the girl out than Tamsin as the video recorder and editor!

While thinking about this too, I also noticed that in highschool, April wasn't exactly 'popular' but she wasn't like- a person people hated or shitted on, she was just kinda there, maybe a bit invisible.

So I feel the same would be for Tamsin, which is why they stick together most of the time, so their channel only had up to 2 subscribers (note, one of those subs is Tam herself)

How she met the guys

So how I feel a Rise episode would play out is Tamsin and April just finished up a little video, April being just a bit down about it, knowing they won't get as much attention on it as she likes. Tamsin tries cheering her up with an idea to go out for a bite and maybe some karaoke or something else fun.

April overall agrees, letting the two set off on a late night adventure.

One thing April kinda forgot was that she's, you know, quite a target for some of the sudden odd dangers of New York given the group of certain friends she hands out with, and it ends up with her, and a very afraid/confused Tamsin getting caught by the Foot Clan.

Of course, after some silly goofy ahh banter, four shadowy figures come to save them. April knows who it is obviously and is very relieved... Tamsin, however...

These are four tall, big, green monsters that just took down an entire freaking army of weird ass cultists, and from where she's looking, attacking her friend (group hug)

So against better judgment, a good five minutes are spent of April trying to pry a metal pipe out of Tamsins' hands as she tries to attack Leo.

A moment it's taken to explain and introduce everyone, and Tamsin is slightly put to ease, willing to give these four supposed turtles benefit of the doubt.

And hopefully to the end of the episode, April is talking to Donnie, he's explaining how he found quite inconvenient that she and her little friend were in peril just as he was in the middle kf watching their latest YouTube video.

[ghost-of-you]

we just danced backwards into each other - ch - part 8

Paring: Calum Hood x Original Female Character.

Warnings: Swearing, mildly angsty vibes.

Word Count: 8k

Authors note: sorry this one took so long, i got stuck on a scene here and nothing i wrote about it was working, but finally got it and things started flowing a lot better, i actually already have a good chunk of the next part written, so hopefully ill update soon

Read it on AO3

Part 7 Part 9

Masterlist

_______

Lena smiles from her place on the floor when Calum greets her, fixing the last of the cables, before scrambling to her feet and out of the booth. She had asked him to meet her in the studio with little notice so even though he told her he'd be there, she's excited to see him.

“I had an idea,” she says, bouncing on her feet as she stops in front of him, looking up at him expectantly, making him chuckle.

"Okay?”

"You know how we agree that voice note is like, the best version of the song?" She asks, waiting for him to agree before continuing, "what if we did the song as a live take? I can clean it and mix it and if it sounds good we go with it, if it doesn’t we’ll try something else." 

“Sounds like a plan,” he nods and she grins at him. 

“So you’re in?”

“It’s your song,” he laughs and she frowns at him. 

“Come on, it’s ours,” she playfully shoves his shoulder making him chuckle, “I just thought that like this it would stay, you know, ours,” she shrugs, turning around to get her notebook in her backpack.

“Is that why we’re alone?” He asks, sounding confused as he sits in one of the chairs next to the board. 

“I am qualified, you know?" She shrugs, sitting next to him. It wasn't easy to get her team to allow this to happen, but she had worked as an engineer for herself on other tracks of the album, so there wasn't a real excuse to not let her do it for this one. "There's a catch though, they need to be on while we record," she says, pointing through the glass into the booth to the 2 cameras set up around the piano, "and if you don't want that we can figure something-" she trails off as he looks at her, an amused glint in his eyes.

“Are you nervous?” He teases and she looks at him in disbelief.

“Yeah? I only ever did this for myself, having someone else in the studio is intimidating."

“It’s just me,” he chuckles and she rolls her eyes. 

“Shut up, do you know how many number-one albums you have? Right now you’re not the boy who used to copy my math homework," she complains, running her hands through her hair and he laughs. 

"The boy who copied your math homework? That's all I am?"

"Oh, yeah, absolutely, just the kid that sat behind me." 

“Love,” he says, tilting his head and she can tell he can see she’s spiraling.

“I want this to work,” she tells him, glancing at the controls, before dropping her head, “I need this to work." 

"It's gonna work. Are you done setting up?" 

"Yeah," she nods, and he grabs her hand, pulling her up.

"Okay, come on," he says, moving them to the booth. 

“Sit down,” Calum says, patting the seat beside him and she narrows her eyes at him.

“Why?”

“I’m teaching you the song,” he says, reaching for her hand and pulling her towards him, and she rolls her eyes, sitting down.

“You know can’t play that.” 

“Nonsense.”

“I really can’t.”

“Just trust me.”

“Me trusting you doesn’t change the fact I can’t play the piano.”

"Can you hit a key on the right tempo?"

“I can’t make any guarantees,” she laughs, hitting some random notes just prove her point.

“I believe in you,” he teases, and she sighs, looking at her hands before looking back at him.

“Okay, let’s do this.”

Lena didn't plan on making that noise into the microphone. She didn't plan on making that noise at all. Given the way it had echoed through the arena, calling it a squeal didn't feel big enough. A shriek? A flat-out scream? All she knew is that every eye in the area around the stage and the soundboard was on her and Sylvia was looking at her fondly annoyed.

"Sorry, everyone," she apologized into the mic, making a point of keeping her voice as soft as she could through the excitement coursing through her veins, backing away from it at the same time she met Calum's questioning eyes as he moved closer to the stage from the floor. 

He'd been watching her soundcheck lately. It sometimes made her wonder if he knew her songs were all about feelings she had about him. When he'd ask her to sing a song she hadn't thought about in a while, the ones that are bubbly and fun and so painfully hopeful and that she was always surprised to find out he even knew. She'd always sing them though, fumbling through notes on the ones she hadn't played in a while just because it seemed to make him happy. 

It actually took a lot of effort for her not to just jump off the stage into his arms once he got close enough for her to do it. So she settled on sitting on the edge reaching a hand out for him and he had barely finished helping her down before she was throwing her arms around his neck.

"What happened?" He laughed, the hands he still had on her waist moving to wrap around her.

"I just got nominated for best new artist," she said, hiding her face in his neck and moving to step away from him but he kept his arm around her, locking her in place, smiling widely at her.

"Okay, that noise makes sense now," he teased and she pouted, "congratulations, love," he added.

"Thanks," she grinned, moving to hug him again before stepping back. This time he let her go but grabbed her hand dragging her with him around the arena before she could question what he was doing. Not that she thought really hard about questioning. She was done with soundcheck, and they needed to clear the area for the band's soundcheck with the fans anyway.

When he pushed a door open and pulled her inside a room, she was tempted to ask though. She didn't have to, he was pressing her against the door he'd just closed, lips finding hers before she even began to form a question. 

Lena would like to say she was used to what it felt like to kiss Calum. She would also be lying. But now she was allowed to kiss him, most times it was more soothing than dizzying. 

But then, sometimes, he'd surprise her like that and she'd forget that she needed oxygen. Hell, she'd forget her own name. His lips on hers and his hands digging into her waist and his hair under her fingers and the thundering noise her heart made were the only thing that existed. 

Calum was the one that pulled away. Maybe pulled away was an exaggeration. He was still very much in her space, forehead against hers as she gasped for the air he stole from around her.  

"I'll take it you're proud of me," she laughed, still feeling breathless.

"We're celebrating." 

"It's just a nomination," she giggled but he shook his head.

"It's your first nomination, love, we're celebrating." 

"When you say celebrating," she trailed off when he moved to kiss a path across her jaw and down her neck. 

"I mean, partying,” Calum said the words to her skin, hands sneaking under her shirt, “and then taking advantage of the way there's no show tomorrow and a hotel room with my name on it."

"I like the way you think, Hood,” she said, a little breathless, as his hands moved higher, “but you need to chill out because I'm not letting you fuck me in a supply closet in a venue," she pulled back, turning them so he would be the one against the door, but stepping back from him, and he smirks at her, a knowing look that made her cheeks burn, "that was one time! And it was an office, not a closet," she complained as he pulled her back to him with a laugh.

"Does it change anything?" He asked, lips pressed to her neck and she giggled.

"For starters, clean surfaces, and you know, a door that locked." 

"I'm pretty sure this door also locks," he chuckled, feeling around the door until the lock clicked.

"That's not the point." She got cut off when he kissed her again, more insistent this time and it was hard to think while his hands moved on her. "Nope, not happening, also you need to go to your soundcheck," she moved a hand to his chest, and he pouted at her as she felt around for the lock, “but I’ll make it up to you tonight,” she punctuated her words with a kiss to his cheek while she pushed the door open.

"Why did we never write together before?" Lena asks, turning to look at him. They've done a few takes and she thinks she has enough to work with, but the thought of moving away from the bench is incredibly unappealing. So she's stalling.

"We never talked about it," Calum shrugs and she pouts.

"Why?" 

"I don't know, why did you never bring it up?" 

"Because I was writing about you and I thought it would be awkward," she deadpans, startling a laugh out of him, "but hey, we're good together, the song is good, so like, why have we never done this before?" She asks again and he watches her for a second before answering.

"It just never seemed like a good moment to ask."

"Why?" 

"We never got around to it when we were in school and the only other time it could've happened was on tour and-" he cuts himself, making her frown.

"What?" 

"Honestly? I think it was gonna make us talk about what it all meant." 

"And that would definitely be awkward."

"But, if you're up for it, we can do it again, I know you write with Luke so, maybe," he shrugs and she smiles at him.

"Well, my album is done and from what Luke told me so is yours, so maybe we can revisit this conversation when we start working on the next one, or if any of us has an idea that could work," she offers and he nods.

"Deal."

"Okay, I'm pretty sure I have all I need, so we should get out of here," Lena says after a beat of silence, getting up from the bench.

"Wait, I got you something," Calum says, pulling a jewelry box from his pocket and she frowns at him.

"Why?" She asks, eyeing the box as she takes it.

"You keep reaching for your neck," he shrugs as she opens it and pulls the necklace there out so she could look at it. It's a little silver sun, the shape kind of looks like the one from Tangled and she smiles at how detailed the charm is for something so small.

"Why a sun?" She asks, still studying the charm, somewhat fascinated about the way the little gems in it catch the light when she moves it. 

"It made me think of you." The way he says it makes her focus shift to him, watching his face, unsure of how to feel. 

"Thank you," she breathes, still looking at him as he smiles at her, "can you?" She asks, handing him the necklace and turning around, moving her hair out of the way for him to put it on for her, smiling down at it before turning back to him.

"Does this mean I need to get you a moon or something like that now?" She laughs, reaching for his necklace hanging on the front of his shirt, her bracelet dangling next to it.

"I don't think we need to match every gift we get each other," he laughs, shaking his head and she scrunches her nose looking at him.

"Well, but you got me this because you don't want me to want the bass," she says and he shrugs.

"It's not like you can play the bass." 

"Yes, I can!" She protests and he frowns at her.

"Since when?" 

"My second album? I'm playing the bass in like, half the tracks."

"You are?" His face softens, sounding surprised and a little bit impressed and she huffs.

"Don't sound so surprised, I'm not as good as you are but it's not like I'm playing anything particularly elaborate." 

"When did you even?"

"It was during this wave of stuff I did while trying to distract myself after, the bass was adjacent enough to the guitar that I didn't absolutely suck at the first try so I stuck with it? But I tried a bunch of shit, I tried painting and playing random instruments, I went to a pottery class once, that sucked, calligraphy, crochet, knitting, sewing, it was crazy." 

"When did you even sleep?" 

"I had trouble sleeping while I was working on that album, so I was keeping occupied, it was better than tossing and turning, it made me feel productive," she shrugs, chewing on her bottom lip.

"Love," Calum starts, but he seems unsure of what to say and she shakes her head.

"Hey, you know how bad I am at sleeping, it's fine."

"You know, Andy told me you put yourself in the hospital back then, kinda hard to believe it was fine," he says, raising an eyebrow at her and she groans

"He makes that sound so much worse than it was."

"Did you pass out on campus?"

"Yeah."

"Did you spend the night at the hospital?"

"Yeah."

"Then I think it was bad, love," he chuckles and she rolls her eyes.

"It's not like I dropped in the middle of the street, I was in the health center."

"Not the defense you think it is.”

"Okay, it wasn't fine, but it wasn't as bad as it looked, that was just a bad week, and now I can play more instruments, I know I suck at crafting, and I'm decent at painting, it's fine," she says, motioning vaguely around her and he laughs.

"If you say so."

"I do say so, now let's go face the photographers that are definitely out there and just get out of here already." 

_______

Lena had somehow seen Calum every day for the past two weeks. Mostly not on purpose, the little encounters were never planned. They were also way too short, leaving her feeling the need to see more of him. They text every day too. Nothing like they used to when they were teens, when they would spend most of the day together in school and then text the rest of it because they somehow never ran out of things to say to each other, but still enough to make her wait for the notifications to come. 

If she decides to be completely honest about it, she doesn't like the feeling. And she doesn't like that she doesn't like it. She hates it, actually. She hates that she can't get out of her own head for long enough to just… relax. That her anxious brain keeps telling her overly excited heart to calm down. To back off. To stop doing this hopeful little dance every time her phone rings. But it's not like she can make it stop. Old habits die hard and all that. And apparently in all ways because she can't help her feelings any more than she can't stop fighting against them. Leaving her playing an exhausting game of tug of war with herself. 

She doesn’t even know what she’s overthinking, because she doesn't know what she wants from Calum. For a long time, she didn't really know anything when it came to him. And now she doesn't know what to believe, so she doesn't know how to feel. When he's right there it's easy for her not to think about all the bad things, it’s as easy as it always was. But then she's alone. And then she’s spiraling. 

"L, are you even listening?" Michael's voice came followed by a poke in her ribs, that made her squeak and drop her pen, before looking up from her homework to him, green eyes glowing with a familiar mischief that made her laugh.

"Sorry, what did Cal do? I wasn't paying attention," she asked, closing her notebook and leaning back into the chair, her elbow on Calum's desk, watching as Michael's grin got wilder as he leaned against the desk beside hers and Calum let out an exasperated groan.

"He has a date," he explained and Lena's eyes widened. She couldn't exactly say that was completely unexpected, he had talked about a girl he was interested in. Not to her all that much though, so she didn't know everything about the situation. But the information made her heart clench. 

"What?" She frowned, looking between the boys, Michael's eyes narrowing at her in the few seconds it took for her to realize she didn't sound teasing, she sounded hurt, "someone agreed to go out with you?" She quickly added, teasingly, trying to match the grin on Michael's face as she turned to Calum.

"Not you too," he said, rolling his eyes and she laughed.

"It's just surprising," she said, pressing her lips together while Michael let out a "Right?" that made her laugh.

"I hate you both," he said and she rolled her eyes.

"Don't act like you don't give me hell every time I ask someone out," Michael said, giving him an unimpressed look that made Lena giggle.

"You do fall in love like every other week, dude," she said but Michael shook his head.

"This isn't about me, it's about him," he pointed at Calum who dropped his head to his desk with a groan, but before anyone could say anything else, their teacher walked in, making Michael scramble to go sit. 

"You know we're just teasing, right?" She whispered, leaning her chin on her arm still on Calum's desk and he nodded at her, before leaning down to get his notebook and she turned forward, reopening hers, and staring blankly at the board, twirling a pen between her fingers.

Why did the thought of Calum on a date with someone make her upset? Both of them had spent years going on about how they were just friends. She shouldn't be upset about it. She loved Calum. She wanted him to be happy. 

Wait, she loved him. She loved him? Like loved loved him? She was aware she might have a slight crush on him, how could she not, but was she in love with him? Did the thought of him dating someone else made her feel like that because she wanted him to date her? 

"Oh shit," she mumbled under her breath at the same time the pen slipped from her fingers, startling her as it landed somewhere behind her. Her heart was picking up speed as she leaned to the side, looking around the floor for the lost pen and Calum leaned down too, grabbing it next to his foot, sitting up straight while she turned to him when he reached to hand it back to her.

"Thanks," she breathed, taking the pen back and feeling her heart go crazy in her chest when he grinned and winked at her as she was turning back.

So Lena doesn't know how they ended up here. She was on edge, the song was coming out, so she was stressed and this was the last time she was gonna see Calum for who even knows how long because the band was leaving for promo the next day and she was doing promo for their single alone and she's so unbelievably anxious about it, it's making her more sensitive. She knows that. But now she's moving around the building, with Calum trailing behind her, trying to get her to talk to him. It's not his fault, the comment about them being back together was innocent enough, the issue wasn't the comment, but the way Calum turned to look at her, a flash of guilt on his face, that put her right back in that dressing room.

So she doesn't want to talk to him, because she will say something stupid and she knows it's not his fault so it will just be creating an unnecessary fight. 

But he's not letting her get away from him.

"I don't want to talk about it, Calum," she tells him again, this time stopping to turn to look at him.

"But you need-"

"No, I don't," she interrupts him, and he frowns.

"Lena."

"When you start talking about it I stop seeing my best friend and I start seeing the guy who walked out on me," she says, taking a step back away from him and he gives her a helpless look, "and I don't want to think about that anymore."

"Doesn't seem like you can stop," he all but rolls his eyes and she groans.

"What? You think that knowing how you felt during that is gonna change anything?"

"Come on, that tour was hell."

"I know, I was there," she does roll her eyes and the frown on his face deepens.

"I was doing what I could."

"And I was trailing behind," she motions vaguely around her, "I know what went down, and I know how you felt because I knew you, but it doesn't matter."

"No, you just think you know," he challenges, stepping closer to her and she huffs.

"Yeah, well, I don't need a detailed explanation on exactly how not enough for you I am." 

Lena regrets the words before she finishes saying them. Before Calum steps back away from her like she shoved him. Before the hurt look in his eyes makes her freeze. 

But it really kills her as she stays rooted in place watching him walk away from her.

________________

"Andy?" Lena knocks on the door to his room, even though it's the middle of the night, after hearing the telltale sounds of whatever game he's into now that shows her that he's still up.

"Are you finally ready to tell me why you're spiraling?" Andy calls from inside the room and she frowns as she takes that as an invitation to go in.  

"Come on," she complains, sitting on the edge of his bed as he turns around in his chair and rolls himself closer to the bed.

"What? You've been like this for weeks,” he says, stopping in front of her, “and you haven't talked to me all day, just tell me maybe I can help."

"I don't know how to explain it," she runs a hand through her hair, dropping back.

"Voice your thoughts, I'm really good at translating you."

"It's…" She trails off, fidgeting with the necklace Calum gave her, fighting to get the words out.

"Le, babe, I promise you, anything that leaves you this stressed it's not stupid," he says, a comforting hand on her knee and she pushes herself up leaning on her elbows so she could look at him.

"It's just…" 

"Words, Lena."

"I'm stressed about Calum," she blurts out and he huffs.

"Now tell me the part I don't know."

"I… it's just I can't stop thinking," she says, sitting up and he nods.

"About?"

"He said he's winning me back, and I was enjoying the effort."

"But?"

"When I left,” she pauses when he gives her a pointed look, “when I ran, I said I was done, but I didn't turn it all off, you know? I couldn't. But I also couldn't keep feeling like it was always gonna be like that, all the pining. No, not pining, pining it's too calm, too calm for whatever we had going. I was burning and I was drowning and I was tired, but I still loved him, I still wanted it."

"Okay."

“And I can’t stop thinking about everything that happened between us because I still do, you know? I still love him, and I want it so badly. I want things to work out, I want the stupid story of us finding a way back, I'd be lying if I say I don't, but I’m also scared." 

"Of?" Andy asks after she doesn't continue and she sighs.

"That he doesn't really want me. That he’s just enjoying the chase, and there's too much fucked up shit in the middle for us to ever be okay again and when we agreed on the whole thing, I said he can't kiss me."

"Yeah."

"Because he has this effect that gives me tunnel vision and makes me only see what he wants," she trails off, fidgeting with the edge of her shirt and he chuckles.

"Oh, I know, but you're spiraling, why exactly?" He asks and she looks at him, chewing on her bottom lip while she contemplates how to say it.

"I'm scared I'm the one who's just enjoying the chase," she admits and he frowns, tilting his head to the side.

"What do you mean?"

"All I ever wanted was for him to try, and he's trying, I basically forced the man to take me out so I could see what it would be like." 

"Didn't he say he wanted to fix things?"

"Yeah, but what if we're beyond fixing?"

"L, wait," Michael said, turning the car off when she reached for her shoes, and she sighed, unbuckling the seatbelt. Lena was feeling hazy, definitely still drunk, but the cool night air had cleared her head enough to know what Michael was going to say.

"Mike, please don't," she pleaded, mechanically putting her shoes on as she avoided the way she could feel his eyes on her. 

"What?

"Defend him," she sighed, finally turning to look at him. He had a very familiar look on his face. The ride-or-die type look that let everyone know that he'd take Calum's side no matter what. Michael had perfected it over the years but it always had the I-need-to-stand-by-him glint that she found staring back at her.

"But you gotta know," he started, but she shook her head. 

"I respect that you wanna do something, I do, but don't do it."

"But he's," he tried again but she interrupted him again. 

"Look, I don't wanna know that you think he looks miserable without me, or however the hell you were about to put it. Did he tell you that? Did he even tell you what happened between us? Or did he just say we had a fight and told you to drop it?"

"He didn't, but I know he is, he really fucking misses you, L," he tried to argue and Lena wanted to believe him. Desperately. But she couldn't.

"Look, dude, I gotta work with what I know. The facts here are he walked out on me and that he hasn't tried to talk to me since then, so anything else is not enough," she shrugged and he gave her a disbelief look.

"So you just got in a screaming match at a party over not enough?"

"Yeah, and he still had nothing to say."

"You know how he can get."

"Oh, I do," she said, rolling her eyes but Michael kept talking.

"And you always forgive him."

"It fucking sucks that I have to," she complained, running a hand through her hair.

"You're not exactly perfect either, L," he said, raising an eyebrow at her and she frowned at him.

"Never said I was, but this one is on him, it's only on him, it's why he doesn't have the guts to try to fix it."

"What the fuck did he do?" He asked and she groaned.

"I don't wanna talk to you about it, Michael."

"I'm your friend too, Lena," he matched her tone, rolling his eyes at her and she sighed.

"But you would let him get away with anything."

"So would you."

"I can't do it this time, he really hurt me, okay? It wasn't some stupid argument that we both knew wasn't gonna last, he knew the choice he was making and he did it anyway and I'm allowed to be mad at him," she said, looking down, twisting her hands in her lap.

"I'm not saying you're not allowed to be mad, I'm saying you're both miserable without each other, so why are you dragging this out?" He asked and it made her pout. 

"Who said I'm miserable?" Lena complained, glancing at him and she probably wasn't helping her point if the way Michael raised an eyebrow at her was any indication.

"Your face."

"That's-"

"We both know you're still in love with him," he said and her eyes widened as her head snapped up and she turned to look at him.

"Who said I'm in love with him?" She tried but Michael scoffed.

"Don't act like I don't know you, you've been in love with him since we were in school, it's painfully obvious."

"I… You knew? Since when?" 

"Since he left for that football camp, you were a basketcase while he was gone." 

"It wasn't that bad."

"Oh, it was worse, I thought you would tell him back then."

"I did," she said, holding Michael's gaze as his face turned into shock. She could see it in the way his eyes went from wide to narrowing on her face that he was combing through his memories trying to figure out when it could've happened. And she didn't want him to ask, "well, it doesn't matter anymore."

"Now you're just being stubborn."

"So?"

"Talk to him, do something other than sitting around since you’re both miserable and this can’t keep going-"

"Mike!” she screeched, interrupting him, "He dumped me, he doesn't love me and I can't make him love me so I can't fix it."

"What do you mean he doesn't love you? Of course he loves you," he was looking at her like she was crazy for even suggesting that and it made her want to disappear into the leather seats. 

"His words okay?" Her voice was small and Michael looked so confused by it that she felt on the verge of tears, "so now I'm just the idiot that’s been in love with him since middle school."

"L," Michael's voice was soft now, and he was watching her carefully, eyes scanning her face as she continued to talk.

"Being away from him is killing me, but I can't. I can’t move on from him if he's still around, and I can't fix us so I can't talk to him."

"Why?"

"Because if I'm not mad at him, then I'm breaking and I can't take it anymore." She paused, blinking back tears, "thank you for the ride, Mike, I know I'm not much company right now but I did miss you and I appreciate it."

"Lena."

"I'll see you around," She said, patting his knee before slipping out of the car. She was surprised to hear his door slamming after hers.

"Lena," Michael's voice was insistent and it made her stop on the sidewalk watching as he walked around the car.

"Yeah?" She asked, frowning at him as he scanned her face. 

"Just come here," he said, pulling her to his chest, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and she wrapped her arms around his waist on instinct. She missed Michael, that wasn't a lie, they may not be as close to each other as they were to Calum, but he was a constant enough presence in her life to add to the emptiness Calum had left behind. But the way she just relaxed against him was disarming, "sorry I haven't checked in," he said to her hair and she huffed out a chuckle, stepping back from him.

"It's fine, I knew he would get you in the divorce."

"You don't have to tell me what he did, but how bad was it?" 

"How many times have you seen me trying to get away from him?" She asked because she didn't think she could talk about it without crying. She wasn't sure she wouldn't start crying anyway.

"Point taken." 

"Look, I can't talk about it because I can't think about it because I don't want to believe it happened, I thought we were more than we actually were and that's on me but he was just," she stopped, sniffing through the tears that were falling without her permission, "there were kinder ways to do what he did and I can't move past it."

"Sorry I pushed it." 

"It's fine, you know how stubborn we both can get, you had no way of knowing this wasn't just us being stubborn."

"For whatever is worth, I do think he regrets it."

"Well, he's the one that needs to do something about it,’ she shrugged and Michael gave her a sad smile, "sorry you got caught in the middle." 

"I'm your friend too, you know?"

"Do you feel that way?" 

"I don’t know, I'm not known for making good decisions when he's involved. So I freaked out and I picked a fight with him because he was about to leave. And I know it’s just a few days but at the same time I couldn’t deal with the way I need him around and he’s all the way across the world now and I don’t know what to do, because,” she sniffs, looking up to try and stop the tears she can feel forming in her eyes, “what if this is just going to explode in our faces again and I'm dragging it out because of a memory of a feeling?"

"Is it just a memory?"

"What?"

"When you think about it, are you just trying to find the way he made you feel again, or are you just trying to find a way to feel what you feel for him without letting it destroy you?" Andy asks and she blinks at him, taken aback for a second.

"That was deep, we should write that down," she jokes because she doesn't know how to answer.

"I'm serious, I've picked you up from the floor over him for years now and it's alright if you don't want him anymore, but it's also okay for you to want him but only after you're sure you're not setting yourself up for failure."

"What are you saying?"

"That it's okay if you need safety before giving in and that doesn't mean you're using him, it just means you're hurt and want to know what you're falling into."

“But I feel like-”

"Look, I've watched you try to contain the way you feel about him for as long as I've known you, you keep fighting against it or trying to make it something that won't scare him away, and that never worked," he says, tilting his head, and she sighs.

"It's just that, I don't know how to stop and I keep thinking about-"

“Le, the more you overthink this the more you’ll have to overthink and you’re gonna go nowhere.”

“But-”

“You’re not gonna find the answer trapping yourself in your head, you can’t change what happened and you can’t predict what’s going to, you just need to find out if you’re willing to trust he won't hurt you again,” he says and she drops back, throwing her arms across her face.

“But what if I can’t trust myself? I don’t want to hurt him either and right now I don’t think I can help it and his face when he walked away from me, I-”

“Lena," he says, and she feels the mattress dip when he sits beside her, moving her arms from her face so she would have to look at him, "if whatever you said makes him stop trying then you guys are going nowhere anyway.”

"What do I do then?" She asks, throwing her arms over her head and he huffs, poking her side.

“You stop hiding and you call him."

“Call him? I can’t call him,” she squirms away from his hand, looking at him like he's crazy for suggesting that, and he gives her an unimpressed look.

“Knowing you, you won’t be able to do anything until you find out if you pushed him too far. Did you even sleep last night?"

“But I have to, I can’t need him, And.”

“You also can’t change the fact that you already do. You've been fighting it for years, Le." His voice is sympathetic and she feels herself start to tear up as she meets his eyes. “Just call him."

_________

The periodic buzzing is not what makes Calum raise his head. What makes him raise his head is how he can feel Luke's eyes on him every time the damn phone does buzz. So when it happens again he meets Luke's careful gaze with a questioning look.

"That's Lena." It's not a question. But Luke nods anyway. Lena hadn't talked to him since the fight and he was following her lead with it. If she wants space he'll give it to her. It's actually easier than he expected with half a world between them and unaligned timezones. At least that's what he keeps telling himself.

"She wants me to let her know when we're back at the hotel." They only have another interview in their schedule, the one they are currently waiting for, so it shouldn't be long, but why would Lena ask? And what else did she say that got Luke watching him like that?

"Okay, what does this have to do with me?" He asks, raising an eyebrow and Luke frowns at him.

"Did you get into a fight or something?" 

"Or something."

"Do you want me not to tell her?" Luke puts his phone down, a silent we can talk about it if you want, but he shakes his head.

"No, it's okay." 

"You sure?" He checks, but Calum doesn't get a chance to answer, because they are being called to the studio and he can't keep thinking about it.

Maybe she's ready to try to talk to him. If she's even asking because she wants to know when he can answer. He tries to ignore that line of thought until they’ve been back at the hotel for at least half an hour and there’s no call. 

But then his phone lights up with a very familiar picture of Lena and him.

"Hello?"

"Hi," Lena sounds anxious, he can hear it in her breathing and something about it makes him do the math in his head about what time it's for her.

"Lena, where are you?" He can imagine the way she's frowning just by the confused little gasp she lets out. 

"Home, where else would I be?" 

"Isn't it, like, 3 am for you?" 

"Time is fake," she mumbles, and he hears fabric ruffling in the background, so maybe she is in bed. Not that the thought makes him worry less.

"Sure," he frowns and she sighs.

"I couldn't sleep, I needed to apologize." 

"Okay." 

"Because I am sorry, I… I don't have an excuse, I'm just sorry." 

"Lena," he says, more to buy himself time to think of the right thing to say than anything else but the sharp intake of breath he hears makes him regret it.

"You don't have to say anything, it's fine, I just wanted to say it, we can talk when you get back. Or whenever you want. Shit, you know, I shouldn't have called, I'm sorry." Her voice is wobbly and it sounds like she’s about to hang up.

"Lena, wait."  

"I can't." 

"Why not?"

"Because I'm about to start crying and then you'll feel the need to make me feel better and this becomes about me and that's not why I called." 

"Then why did you call?" He asks, and she sniffs, before taking a deep breath as if she’s trying to calm herself down.

"Can I claim temporary insanity? Sleep deprivation? I don't know, okay? I thought talking to you would make me feel better but that's not on your job so I shouldn't-"

"Lena, can you just listen to me for once in your life?"

"Yeah?" 

"You seriously think I'm about to let you cry yourself to sleep?" 

"I'm not crying," she tells him and he huffs.

"I can hear you crying." 

"I'm just tired and It doesn't-"

"Of course it matters." 

"Why?" 

"Because I fucking care about you. That doesn't stop being true just because we got into a fight." 

"I know that, it's just-"

"Do you? Know it? It doesn't seem like you do," 

"Can I be honest?"

"Please," Calum breathes, waiting for a tense second as she doesn't say anything.

"I talk myself out of it."

"Of trusting me?" He asks, frowning and he can hear the fabric ruffling as she probably shakes her head.

"No, of expecting you to be there." That one stings. He knows he can't blame her for it, it's his own fault, but hearing her saying it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

"Why?" 

"Because I can't need you to be there! For fucks sake we get into one fight and I'm losing my mind? I've been feeling like I can't breathe and I can't do this again." 

"Do what?" 

"Lose you, Calum, I can't lose you again, but I can't keep feeling this way either I can't focus I can't sleep I feel like a bitch then I just lose my fucking mind and can’t feel this way I can’t need you-" Not for the first time since he last saw her, he catches himself wishing he wasn't halfway across the world, but this time is because the way she's talking, fast and without pauses, makes him think she's about to talk herself into a panic he can't talk her out of over the phone.

"Love, love, breathe," he interrupts, and she takes a few sharp breaths before talking again.

"See, I shouldn't have called, you're allowed to be mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you."

"Why not? You should." 

"Why?"

"Because I was a bitch to you."

"It was a fight, and it wasn't even that bad."

"You sounded mad at me when you answered the phone."

"You apologized, we can talk about it when I get back, but I'm not mad, so you should go to sleep and I'll see you in a few days." 

"Unfortunately I wasn't exaggerating when I said I can't sleep, I've been tossing and turning for hours."

"You want me to talk to you until you fall asleep?"

The way Lena was slowly blinking and how her reactions were delayed was just as funny as it was adorable even in the dimly lit room. It made the story Calum was telling seem way more entertaining than it actually was, with the way she was trying to keep up while stifling yawns and rubbing her eyes to get him to keep talking. 

"Love?" Calum asked when she dropped her head back against the headboard of his bed and it took a few seconds for her to look at him, "do you want me to drive you back to your dorm?" She should've left already since she had classes the next day, so maybe he should just let her leave this time. She looked like she would fall asleep in the car though. And her car was at his place. The logistics of it all weren't good. 

"Not yet, we're talking," she mumbled, shifting her whole body while sitting up. 

"No, I'm talking, you're legally drunk," he joked, making her pout. 

"'m not," she complained, stretching out like a cat and sighing, "how are you not tired?" 

"Jetlag," he shrugged and she blinked at him before nodding, staring at him with one eye closed. 

"Well, then we keep talking." 

"I keep talking, you keep looking at me like you're seeing a giant pillow.”

"You do make a great pillow," she said, looking at him like she was contemplating the possibility, or maybe just thinking about the times she fell asleep on him, making him laugh. "Have you ever been so tired you just don't know how to sleep?" She asked, running a hand through her hair and dropping her head back.

"No,” he chuckled, shaking his head, “and you're trying to stay awake," he pointed out, bopping her nose and she smiled sheepishly at him.

"Yes, but I don't think I would fall asleep that easily right now." He seriously doubted that. He was actually sure she would be out in seconds if she just stopped moving.

"What time do your classes start tomorrow?" He asked, checking the old alarm clock on the table. Technically he should've said today. It was past 1 am. Maybe he shouldn't keep her awake that long on a weekday.

"Not until the afternoon," she said, sliding down and hugging the pillow under her head.

"You wanna stay over? We can continue this conversation in the morning when I know you'll remember what I'm telling you.”

"Does that mean you won't be mad if I fall asleep?" 

"Do you want to sleep?"

"I just told you don't know how," she laughed, settling more heavily against the pillow and rubbing her eye.

"Alright, come here," he said, scooting down and opening his arms and she shuffled around before settling with her head on his shoulder and an arm across his chest.

"I missed you," she mumbled, closing her eyes and he started to absentmindedly run his fingers through her hair.

"Yeah, me too,” he said, leaning his cheek against her head, “now go to sleep." 

"I can't fall asleep on command like you do, just keep telling me the story, what happened after Mike said that?"

"So you were listening?"

"Always, now talk," she said, shifting around a bit and he continued to tell the story, running his hand through her hair. It only took a few minutes for her to stop reacting to it and for her breathing to even out. That wasn’t the surprising part. The surprising part was how he fell asleep a few minutes later too.

"You don't have to," Lena says, voice small and he chuckles.

"I'm not asking if I have to, I'm asking if you want me to." There's a pause that's long enough for him to question if it was the right thing to say, before she sighs.

"Yeah."

"Are you comfortable?"

"As comfortable as I can get," she says after some shuffling and he settles in bed too.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know, just tell me about the trip." So he does. With as many details as he can. About the place. The people. The joke Luke told in the van that morning. The restaurant they had lunch in. It makes him think about when he first moved and the rare occasions when their schedule managed to align enough for him to call and Lena would make him tell her everything about everywhere he had been. He talks while listening as Lena shifts around in her bed or lets out little reactions to what he's saying like huffed-out laughs or curious mumbling about what happened next until the shuffling stops and her breathing evens out. He stays on the line for a few more minutes, making sure she's really asleep then a few more because now he doesn't want to hang up. He considers how he could say anything to her right now. He could tell her he misses her. Make some promise about not hurting her again that she wouldn't believe in and he's not sure he can keep. Or a promise about always trying anyway that he really hopes he can. He doesn't say anything though. He just listens to her steady breathing until he can't justify staying on the line anymore.

_______

I don’t have a taglist but hit me up if you want to be tagged.

[fuckyeahvanhalen86-95]

Watch the video for the new single "Another Celebration at the End of the World" from MAMMOTH WVH above!

"Another Celebration at the End of the World" Lyrics:

Lookin' for another reason

Lookin' for a little bit of anything

Oh, give me something to believe in

A little nothing just to get me by now

Hey baby, your eyes always give it away

Yeah baby, it'Il carry you to another day

We're on the right track now

You're every sight and sound

A kiss, a casket, and all our rights and wrongs

We're gonna take it back somehow

Now we're all alone

Through blood and bone

You're all want somehow but

Now it's all our own

So don't lose hope

I think it's time we take the throne

I think we made another mistake

How many more can we take?

Hear what you're saying but it's fake

I had it coming it was written there all over your face

Hey baby, Your life will always follow in tow

Yeah baby, You know it's just another celebration at the end of the world

We're on the right track now

You're every sight and sound

A kiss, a casket, and all our rights and wrongs

We're gonna take it back somehow

Now we're all alone

Through blood and bone

You're all want somehow but

Now it's all our own

So don't lose hope

I think it's time we take the...

Hey now, shout it back to me

Let me breathe

Now we're all alone

Through blood and bone

You're all want somehow but

Now it's all our own

So don't lose hope

I think it's time we take the throne

NEW ALBUM MAMMOTH II IS OUT AUGUST 4TH

Tracklist:

1. Right?

2. Like A Pastime

3. Another Celebration At The End Of The World

4. Miles Above Me

5. Take A Bow

6. Optimist

7. I'm Alright

8. Erase Me

9. Waiting

10. Better Than You

When asked by Guitar World what we can expect from the new album, Wolf answered:

“It will always sound a bit similar, I guess, because the same dude is writing it! But I think on this current material, you can hear me challenging myself a bit more. I've gotten more confident and know what the project is now, rather than trying to figure out what it was from the start, like on the first one.”

“On the debut there was this width of what the project was on the left you had songs like Distance and Circles, those softer vibes, and on the right you had tracks like Stone and The Big Picture. In the middle, there were songs like Mammoth or Epiphany and stuff like that. What I want to do with this album is widen what that breadth is.”

“Further left, for example, there's a song that's all on piano. so it has more of a softer vibe. But on the right, there's some really heavy sht in comparison to the debut! That's what I find really exciting, it's fun to stretch the definition of Mammoth on both sides.”

See Mammoth LIVE: The Pawns & Kings Tour with Alter Bridge and Mammoth WVH!

Tickets and VIP Experiences are on sale now here!

Follow Mammoth:

Instagram

Facebook

Twitter

Purchase Wolfgang Van Halen's debut album MAMMOTH WWH on CD or Vinyl at VanHalenStore.com

[healeroflightanddark]

We Are Family, Chapter 7: Houseguests

Yuya woke up to find his room in darkness, but feeling very well rested. He blinked a little and glanced up at the clock on his headboard. It was 4:12 AM. Yuya sat up and reached for the lamp on his headboard, switching it on.

The moment the light turned on, Yuya noticed a tray of food sitting on his headboard between the clock and the lamp. There was a bowl of rice, a bowl of miso soup, some pickled radishes and cucumbers, some grilled mackerel, and some steamed vegetables as well as a cup of Yuya’s favorite jasmine tea. No doubt Zarc left the tray there for him to eat when he woke up. It was all cold by now, but Yuya was still very grateful to his brother, and began eating.

As Yuya ate, he heard the sound of soft music coming from downstairs. He was curious, but decided to finish his meal first before investigating. As soon as he finished, he picked up his tray and went to wash his dishes.

Hopping onto the firepole, Yuya held onto it with one hand and kept a firm grip on his tray with the other hand as he slid down. His sudden arrival seemed to startle the houseguests in the living room, as they jumped and quickly stopped playing their musical instruments. Yuto was also in the living room, playing a guitar with his back to the firepole. “Morning, Yuya! Sleep well?”

“Yep! Much better than last night!” Yuya said cheerfully. One of the houseguests looked surprised. “Wait, how did you know which one it was coming down the pole without looking?” he asked.

“Oh, Yuya’s the only one who regularly uses the pole, other than Yugo,” Yuto said. “And Yugo never gets out of bed before 7 AM. Yuri occasionally uses the pole, but not before he’s had his morning tea. He doesn’t want to risk falling off because he’s not awake and alert enough to hold onto it. And Zarc is bigger and heavier than the rest of us, so the sound of him reaching the bottom sounds different than when the rest of us use the pole. Besides, I could hear the dishes rattling on Yuya’s tray. The only reason he had them in his room in the first place was because he was too exhausted to wake up for dinner last night.”

“Ah,” his guest said. “I suppose that makes sense.”

“Yuya, this is Kurosaki Shun and Ruri,” Yuto said. “They’re in our class at our new school.”

“It’s nice to meet you!” Yuya said, smiling at the houseguests. “Your music sounded pretty good!”

“Yuya’s our resident performer,” Yuto said, smiling fondly as his brother went into the kitchen to wash his dishes. “He plays more musical instruments than I can keep track of, and he’s both a theater kid and an athlete. His gymnastics training really comes in handy when he’s performing. The only other one of us who’s as avid an entertainer as him is Zarc.”

“Didn’t you mention that your dad is a famous magician?” Shun asked. Yuto nodded, “Yeah, but he doesn’t really do many other performing skills, apart from playing the piano. Yuya and Zarc both do magic tricks, acrobatics, acting, playing musical instruments, singing, dancing, and I’m definitely forgetting a few other performing talents they have cuz they just have too many to count. Yuya, what am I forgetting?”

“DJing, fencing, archery,” Yuya said after a moment of thinking. “Zarc does mixology, I make 3D animations. Heck, I’m probably forgetting a few of our skills.”

Ruri giggled. “Sounds like you two are really talented! What about you, Yuto? What skills do you have?”

“I’m an artist,” Yuto said, smiling happily at being able to talk about his hobbies. “I draw, paint, make sculptures, write, and do bookbinding. Our other brothers have skills too. Yuri has the ultimate green thumb, he can bring any plant back from the brink of death to healthy and thriving and he can make any plant flourish in even the worst soil and even in environments where they shouldn’t be able to grow. And he’s also really good at sewing and making jewelry and shoes. He’s actually made all of our clothes. And Yugo’s got a knack for mechanical stuff. He built his own motorcycle, and he’s been restoring classic cars and selling them since we were twelve.”

“Oh wow!” Ruri said as Shun whistled in admiration. “Your family is so talented! I bet my friend Rin would love to meet Yugo! She’s been working on building a motorcycle for a while.”

“I’m sure Yugo would love to meet her,” Yuya said as he came back from the kitchen and sat down on the sofa. “He’s always happy to meet a fellow mechanic!”

[lostandfoundbook]

Chapter 1

Read it on AO3

Read it on Wattpad

The sounds of footsteps walking outside of her room caught Alexandria Gray off guard. Normally, when she woke up, it was to her... her... well, she couldn't exactly remember it. When she lived at home, she used to wake up to the sounds of screaming and shouting from her parents. That wasn't happening today. 

Today had started like any other. Alexandria woke up, she got ready for community college, and she prepared to work at the theatre. What she hadn't expected, however, was how her day had ended. 

Recently, she couldn't exactly remember that. From what she's been told, Alex was caught trying to break into the Star Haven hotels. Amnesia, they said. It wasn't like she remembered much. Alexandria was a 20 year old girl stuck in a position she didn't quite understand. She was hooked up to monitors and dawned in a white patients gown sitting in the hospital bed.

The beeping of the monitors rang clearly, slowly starting to get on Alex's nerves. She could deal with a lot, but her head was in a lot of pain. She didn't know why she was in pain to begin with if she was hooked up to so many bags and IVs. She took a deep breath in and exhaled, stopping to think about how she got here.

The last thing she REALLY remembers was smacking her head upon the tile floors. Her vision was blurry, but she remembered the way the tiles sparkled. They reflected her mirrored face against them as she started to black out. That's why it stuck out in her head. The next thing she knew, she woke up in the infirmary at the hotel.

It was an elegant place, really. Hundreds of thousands of meters of pure perfection, a one way stop for all your needs delegated into one complex; a luxurious neighborhood for the elite. You could stay there at the hotel, but it was nothing compared to living in-house there.

And yet, that was exactly where Alex found herself. She SERIOUSLY didn't understand it. The sounds of somebody playing piano off in the distant rang clearly in her room, cutting clear through the mechanical beeps of the machines. A head injury causing retrograde amnesia, they said.

It made sense. Her head pounded harder than any bender she had been on before. Harder than any hangover. The way it pushed against the back of her head in a throbbing pattern, making it near unbearable. She looked around the room, the four walls around her painted a white color with purple undertones. Pictures of landscapes strewn about the walls, and a window on the furthest wall from her.

When the sun rose, it blinded her. She only knew this because this was her only way of keeping time, because this damned hospital didn't seem to have a clock. Maybe that was part of the design, she thought. She sat there and waiting for her medicine to kick in.

Just as the train of thought started, it was abruptly cut short by the door swinging open, being met with a face she hadn't seen before. Alex noted how his brow seemed to furl as he looked around the room before finally making eye contact with her.

"You're awake" He spoke. He wasn't one of her doctors, and she knew this because she had already met them.

"Yeah, I guess I have been for awhile."

The man walked in more towards the room before pausing.

"Is there no TV in here? There's supposed to be one."

Alex paused. "I mean. I guess not. I haven't exactly seen one as far as I remember..." she bit the inside of her lip before speaking again "Um...Who are you, exactly?"

The man stopped in his tracks, almost as if he was shocked by her words. "Right. You don't know me. I'm Oliver. This is my hotel, and my infirmary."

"So... You're like my doctors boss."

"I'm more like your nurse." he said, and reached over to look at the clip board. "Have they given you any medication?"

She shook her head, instantly regretting it. Her hand shot up to the side of her head to sooth the pain she couldn't reach. "Be careful, now." Oliver added, moving her IVs to give a better flow. "You can't block these."

"I know that. What's the point when they don't even work?"

Oliver rolled his eyes. "Here. Use this button if you need, not want, but need to up your medicine." he uttered, reaching for the drip button and upping the dose for her. "It's hard to regulate pain when people are asleep. It's good that you're able to talk."

The blonde girls brows knitted. "Why wouldn't I be able to talk?"

"They had you intubated. Sometimes there can be vocal chord trauma."

Alex looked down towards the bed. She hadn't realized how deep the process was. Instead of sharing her thought with the stranger in front of her, she decided to instead badger him.

"So you work here?" she poked. "Yes. Sometimes."

"What do you mean by sometimes?"

"I own the hotel as well. I'm Oliver Haven. This is Star Haven"

Despite her attempts at badgering, she did genuinely learn new information from this. She remembered the name Oliver. Just vaguely. Enough to spawn a memory of her on a stage, and feeling guilty-hate about it. She didn't know what she was remembering, but she knew it was still hidden. 

"So you're ARE like my doctor's boss." 

Oliver frowned, her comment clearly not amusing him. "Well, yes, but no. I own one of the most prestigious hotels in the--" He cut himself off. "You know what? It doesn't matter. I don't know why I'm arguing with you if you don't even remember." he shook his head before walking back out of the room.

Alex frowned before shaking her own head. It wasn't like she wasn't used to it, people constantly treated her like she was lesser than, or like she was an idiot. The way she felt right now. For the longest time she lived with two parents who mistreated and abused her.

She was used to doing the housekeeping, the cooking, the cleaning, and the caring for her younger siblings. It wasn't until she was 16 years old that she would sneak out one night to stay with her friend, Benji. She just so happened to never return.

It was hard. She had to leave behind her siblings who she loved deeply. The thought of it almost brought tears to Alex's eyes, but she worked hard to suppress them. She didn't know what kind of horrors they were facing in her place now, but she just had to get out of there.

Her friend Benji was a really sweet person. He had his degree in business and took his role in the theatre very seriously.

Benji's dad owned the theatre, and when he passed away, Benji inherited the theatre. That much she remembered. She remembered living with him in his attic-space, and her tiny little bedroom directly above the stage. It could get annoying at times, but she loved it.

Scrolling through her present memories, she couldn't shake the feeling that she knew the man who had previously entered her room. The feeling nagged at her brain like an itch she couldn't scratch, or like a lock without a key.

Despite all of this, the feeling of the morphine running through her IVs is what Alex was focusing on the most. Something about it felt familiar, and yet, very distant. So close she could almost taste it. Maybe that was just the medicine talking, she told herself. It was a relaxing, bone numbing type of relief. It had taken awhile for it to finally hit, but she was glad it did.

The pounding in her head started to subside.

While caught up in her own thoughts, her hospital door opened again to two men hauling in a hanging stand and a television, with them apologizing for the noise. before she knew it, her time at the infirmary sped by a lot faster.

* * *

Alex was quickly transferred from unit to unit. The one thing that stayed consistent seemed to be the intake of drugs she was receiving. She wasn't arguing, obviously. The morphine felt nice, she was beginning to like it. A lot. the Oxy wasn't as good of a high as the morphine, but it was still nice. The tramadol really took the edge off.

She missed weed the most, though. The way the smoke felt against her lungs. The way it burnt in just the right way, like it was a poisonous little treat she could partake in.

She found herself enamored with the thought of walking out onto the patio of her new room and just smoking a joint. She should have been focusing on the conversation she was having with her doctors, but she wasn't. All she could focus on was the drugs.

"And you'll be getting a constant intake of the morphine drip" One said.

"Mhm."

"And the Codeine helps with the body pains you're getting from being in bed all day." Said another.

"Right"

It was the same line of questioning everyday. How do you feel? Are you getting any better? Do you want to sue us? They obviously didn't say the last part out loud, but over the few weeks that she'd suspected she'd been here, she'd picked up on enough of the vibe. They felt liable for SOMETHING. what that something was, was as good a guess as anyone else's when it came to the state she was in.

She was upping the dosage on her morphine drip when Oliver walked into her room again.

"So, they're transferring you?" Oliver asked, a knowing answer to his tone

"Wait. What?! To where?" Alex responded while quickly shooting up in her bed, much to her own dismay. The pain felt...different. Like it was there, but mellow. She didn't like it, and sure as hell wouldn't be sitting up that fast any time soon.

"Yeah.. your doctor was just in here?"

"Oh. I wasn't listening, I'm sorry."

Oliver looked at her with a familiar glare, one she almost remembered. "What?! It's not like they tell me anything important. Take your meds at this time. Don't do this. Certainly do this. What's the point in even listening?"

"...To know what they're saying?" Oliver pursed his lips together as he finished his sentence, clasping his hands together. "You know, it might do you some good to just...listen?"

"Mhm. Right."

"Anyway... yes." Oliver stopped and looked at the clip board at the end of her bed. "You're getting transferred. To a suite on the J floor... which is close enough for me to keep an eye on you" he ended his sentence with another glare.

"Yeah, okay, I get it. You don't trust me. I literally do NOT know who you are. I kind of don't care right now." Alex finally responded before upping the dosage on her morphine again and laying back down. "Transfer me wherever. Just make the pain go away." Alex turned to stare out of her window.

"Right.."

Oliver walked towards the door and looked back at her. He cocked his head to the side before finally walking out of the room. The doctors came in and transferred her up from there. It was a simple process, really. They had multiple people wheeling the equipment Alex needed for her injuries, in behind her rolling hospital bed. Taking two elevator trips to make it up to J floor, Alex was quite content with the process.

She didn't have to do a thing.

By the time she was settled in her new room...house? She was starting to feel a bit woozy from all the medicine.

"Are you doing alright?" A voice called out. Alex had to work hard to make her eyes not see double. "Hm?"

"Are you settled in alright?"

When her vision finally focused in, she saw a petite ginger girl staring back at her. "Yeah. Who are you?"

"I'm Oliver's assistant. I forgot you wouldn't remember me even if you didn't have a head injury. We've only met a few times before and they weren't exactly....nice." The girl seemed anxious and she held a journal in her hands. It was purple and had a strap holding it closed. She also had a satchel sat around one of her shoulders.

"Oh! Well, I'm Alex. Most people call me Andie." The girl went to reach her hand out, but noticed the distance between the two.

"Ohp! Sorry!" The ginger stepped forward to close the gap between her and the girl in the bed. The two shook hands before returning to their previous stance. "So, you never answered my question, are you settling in alright?"

"Oh. I think I said yes, I don't exactly have the best memory right now... What was your name again?"

"I keep forgetting you don't remember! I'm Avery. You know, it's very weird to see you in such a state."

Alex frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you usually present yourself as somebody who doesn't really care about what anyone thinks, and you do things all on your own, and you're an independent woman, or something like that. I'm going to be honest, we didn't focus much on what you did in your genre of music."

"...We? Music?" Alex felt...small.

"Here." Avery reached into her satchel and retrieved out a laptop. "These were for you, anyway." She set the laptop and journal down on the bed, and she opened the laptop. She began to search up Alex's full name before turning the laptop towards her.

Alex looked towards the girl in a sort of disbelief. It was her dream come true, and it really felt like just that, a dream.

The laptop sat in front of her showed Alex herself, but a way more successful form.

"I...actually did it?" She finally spoke, the drugs making words hard for her. "Well, yeah, but I guess that depends on who you ask.." The ginger girl trailed off before focusing her words back. "You're very happy where you're at from what we can tell"

Alex shook her head. This was all very new to her. "You keep saying 'We'. You mean Oliver? What's our beef, anyway?"

Avery sat on the edge of Alex's bed and tilted her head to the side. "I wouldn't call it beef. You're competitors. It's natural that you two just...never got along."

"Right.."

"Well, I'll leave you to get settled in on your first night. I wrote my number down on a sticky note in the journal, just so you can have it, just in case. If you need anything, just text me."

Alex gave her a warm smile and waved her off. She pulled the laptop up towards her lap and started searching her name across multiple social media sites. It took her awhile to figure out her log in, but it was the same from when she was a kid, so she remembered it. 

From there, Google had all of her passwords saved. She was able to get back up to date with her current life. She also signed into her iCloud, getting access to all her contacts. She was really excited, but to be honest, the drug made it hard to feel super perked up. They were downers, after all.

She researched her name, and figured out all of the things she'd done. She learned that she released music under her own name at one point, and generally did a lot of live shows. The last thing she remembers doing was musical theatre, so it made sense that she went into music. 

It was just another creative avenue she was allowed to go down. She would express herself in any way possible and this seemed to be the path she'd decided to go down. She'd always wanted to make music in the past, and it seems Benji Knowles was credited as her producer. It made sense.

Last she remembered, she was living with him above the theatre. The warehouse, they called it. It was a huge wooden area above the theatre that Benji's dad had renovated into a house over the years. Benji grew up there while the process happened.

She thought about sending him over a text, but wasn't sure how to format it. I mean, how do you reach out to one of your best friends and say you got hurt without causing them immense worry? She scrolled through her iMessages and clicked open Benji's contact.

She formulated a message that basically said, "Hey, I'll be gone for awhile and I won't be able to talk about it. It's a long story."

Instantly she got a reply, despite how late in the night it had gotten.

"Are you okay"

"Yes" she replied back. Formulating her second sentence flowed even easier. She was always a double texter. "I was breaking into Oliver's Hotel"

"Idiot" was his reply.

She was an idiot. What was she doing out there? She seriously hated that she couldn't remember. 

"I got a head injury while doing so" she added on

There were multiple messages from Benji at that point. "Holy shit Alex." "Are you okay?" "What happened??"

She sighed. That was APART of the PROBLEM. She hated being stuck in difficult situations she couldn't remember. It sucked ass. It was as if she transported herself back in time. Picked out of place from where she previously stood and placed down into here and now.

"I'm okay. It's amnesia. I literally don't remember" she replied back.

"It's going to be okay" he added. 'Would it really?', Alex thought to herself. Hearing these words from her friend was encouraging, but it was still hard to believe. "Where are you now?" he asked.

"Still at Oliver's hotel."

"That's brutal. Hope you make it out alive" He joked, making reference to how much the two hated him.

"Actually, tell me more. Why do I hate him?"

It took a couple minutes for Benji to reply, but when he did, it all made sense. He had typed out a paragraph for Alex to read.

"It's a really long story. He screwed you over multiple times, some in the media, some behind the scenes. In the media he's always painted you as some lowly person who'd never be at the same level as he would be seen on. He's literally been quoted as saying that brushing shoulders with you was one of his worst regrets. You've cause a lot of turmoil for the hotel, however, I won't lie. You've hosted a couple concerts there behind Oliver's back, and each time, you got away with it. The police had no proof it was your doing. He had to get better security because of you."

It took her a hearty minute to process everything, but as she did, all the memories came flooding back to her. Memories of the ways Oliver stared her down menacingly as she responded in suit. An old fashioned stare down between the two. She remembered WHY she remembered the stage.

There was an event he hosted. She didn't remember which one in particular, but she remembered being there and performing. Being told "Your act isn't enough". Being denied. It was soul crushing, and she wished she could forget it all over again.

"I wish I could forget that" She replied back. "Is there anything else?"

"No. That's about it."

She shut her phone off and turned to fall asleep in her bed, the medicine fully knocking Alex out.

[allamericanb-tch]

you signed up for this thoughts (2)

chapter 13

i love this fic so much even though some parts of it really make me cringe

kissing his teeth

i need to start keeping track of how many times solmussa says that

omg remus took a bunch of pictures of sirius ahhhh

“you’re a heathen” sirius you heathen 

ew body shots that seems unsanitary 

“denial is a river in egypt” i miss when people said that all the time

me when wolfstar

lily!

dorlene ☹️ 

pandora has a brother ?! please let it be evan i am a rosier twins truther

TWINS!!!! this is a good sign

IT IS EVAN!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

jegulus

i love sirius and regulus being brothers

“remus is very sticky” SIRIUS STOP

“It’s just that I said nothing has stuck, but Remus clearly is sticking because I can’t stop thinking about him and I think if he weren’t leaving, I could actually fall in love with him—" VERY IMPORTANT CLARIFICATION 

remus jump scare

james and his rum and coke

i definitely know way more spanish that i thought i did bc i’m following these conversations pretty okay i think

this is kinda nast

yeah im getting the ick right now

oh me oh my

sirius is so sirius

jegulus is jegulusing

ewww 

chapter 14

my prediction for this chapter based solely on the title is that barty is coming

BARTY POV!!! WHAT DID I JUST SAY

ok i actually love bartylus

ao3 is draining my battery so much

rabastan!

omg is it evan ahhhh

barty pulling a teenage girl and doing some deep internet stalking he’s so real

barty is absolutely feral

the drama omg

barty 😭😭

rosekiller is rosekilling me

minor spelling mistake 🤬

chapter 15

i love how many of the chapter titles are maisie peters songs

i can’t wait for james to meet barty

oh james. jamie james james. 

regulus telling dorcas ahhhh

oh me oh my

sirius pov im nervy

oh me oh my

i mean. it could have gone a lot worse.

this is making me want to go on a boat now

wolfstar 

BARTY ?!

maisie peters mention no regulus you definitely did not lose the breakup

hip hip hooray for sirius

oh me oh my

chapter 16

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO END THE CHAPTER LIKE THAT AND NOT PICK UP WITH JAMES POV AHHHH

it’s okay bc i love lily <3

MARYLENE ?!

🎶it’s a cruel summer🎶

i love pandalily

oh barty pov

yeah he’s crazy

WHAT

the drama

“Remus has never considered himself a prude, and yet he discovers he’s a little scandalised by the way James and Sirius seem to have absolutely no boundaries whatsoever.”

wolfstar is wolfstaring

oh me oh my

skimming this party because brother euughhhh

oh me oh my

“he kisses his teeth” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

james 

🎶old habits die screaming🎶

ew stop icky gross

wow there is a lot of hanky panky in this

EW

AH

EW

ew

stopping here bc i have a class in 5 minutes 

chapter 17

alas i am home from school

wolfstar 

dorcas!

barty jump scare

bartylus 😧

i really hate that i don’t like barty because in this i love barty so much but like aghhhh

oh poor james ☹️

the drama

WHAT

well.

minor spelling mistake 🤬

please why is this angsty

chapter 18

wolfstar ❤️‍🩹

JAMES what the heck man

angst ☹️

pandalily ❤️‍🩹 they’re so precious 

i love sirius so much. 

jegulus is having a moment

WHAT

oh me oh my barty

REGULUS 😭

omg

AHHHH

AHHHH

AHHHH

AHHHH

barty ?! please i need rosekiller im begging

OH ?! 

i manifested this. 

i love evan. 

chapter 19

dorcas! i need dorlene to happen so bad omg 

pandora forgetting straight people exist i love her so much

AH

marlene just texted dorcas guys what’s gonna happen

my kink is karma on repeat (not relevant at all to this)

i love pandora so much you don’t understand 

dorcas mary and marlene ?! eat.

piano lesson now ☹️

i’m back!

i love jegulus so much

i left and i am back now

i need to distract myself bc i can’t tell if i made a bad decision rn

sirius inviting regulus to christmas ❤️‍🩹

minor spelling mistake 🤬

ooh

oh me oh my

genuinely i am so confused by all of this but i do NOT want to do research so i actually understand 

EW agh ew stop ew ew ew

sirius’ favorite movie being titanic is so real

i love man bun sirius

ok wait i am literally falling asleep rn i will be back later

marlene! it’s been so long HELP i totally forgot i was reading this

dorlene ?! my favs

chapter 20

rosekiller!

ew

🎶i love you it’s ruining my life🎶

ew

dorcas!!!

i love mary so much

ew 

wolfstar!

ew

eughhhhh brother eughhhhh

AHHHH

they said i love you

oh regulus

🎶I LOVE YOU AINT THAT THE WORST THING YOU EVER HEARD HE LOOKS UP GRINNING LIKE A DEVIL🎶

i love jegulus

““We can always burn the airport down,” Sirius says longingly. “Destroy all airplanes so they can't leave."” i love sirius

no thoughts just pandalily

jegulus ☹️

ok no more for today 

[vitaminwaterreviews]

Girls' Generation - Gee

Average of 7.8, but I’m gonna hold off and listen to Genie before I comment.

Gee

Yeah, this is … completely different. A complete 180 from Girls’ Generation

This has to be the first proper synthpop title track we’ve had? I’ll have to go back and look

Anyway, I’m not commenting on the song, because you already know

10/10

Way To Go

Alright, some electric guitars

The piano run lol

Back to rock instrumentation

Woahh the guitar in this second verse

Honestly I buy this, I know it’s basically just a change in instrumentation, but it really helps

Gee has 68,000,00 streams. This song has 3,000,000. The other three have less than 1,000,000 which is concerning

8/10

Dear. Mom

Why did they put a period there, it’s supposed to be a comma innit?

Slow jam. Fair enough, they weren’t yet aware of what the future would hold for Gee

6/10

Destiny

Woahhhhhhh

Back to synth pop but this time it’s Edgy and Cool

Also the alternating vocals

Wait what are they doing with a bit of autotune here?

How tf does this have less listens then Dear. Mom, this shit Slaps

Cherry Bullet’s Ruddy has 10x as many streams as this oml

(Admittedly spotify didn’t exist in 2009 so i guess that’s hardly a fair comparison)

(Oh apparently it did but whatever)

8/10, this is a jam

Let’s Talk About Love

The electric piano, the synths, the drum samples

The bass

The clean piano in the background

7/10, this song very much reminds me of some like, Isak N Jiyoon or Sugar maybe

[a-moth-to-the-light]

Comeback Celebration: Current Top 10 TXT Songs

I was planning to release this the day the album came out! But then life did a life and I didn't; but now life, out of spite, is doing even MORE of a life, so I'm running away from my problems for an hour or so to talk about some nice songs that bring me joy!

1. Dear Sputnik

Dancing around my living room to this one will never get old! But I do feel like this is a weird choice, since I think if you asked me on-the-spot what my favorite TXT songs are, "Dear Sputnik" wouldn't even come up in the conversation. I guess I've never really adjusted to edgier TXT--like, I can't truly process that the "Our Summer" guys also released "Frost"--so most of the time I just forget that their darker stuff is actually theirs. But I really do love this song, which I realized more and more over the week-ish process of making this list. There's something so... guttural?... about it that makes it a real standout--it just gets better, and more thrilling, the more closely I listen to it.

2. Crown

I actually don't listen to this one all that much--definitely less than anything else on this list--but that's because it's such a perfect time capsule, dragging me back completely to a set of memories that I just can't emotionally handle revisiting very often. (I swear, most days just hearing those little beep things could make me cry.) And I can't not admire it for that, for just how immersive the listening experience is. Also, it's basically a perfect song--even through my tears, I can see that!

3. Our Summer

Same thoughts as "Crown", but I find revisiting "Our Summer" slightly less soul-crushing--if that's better or worse, I'll let you decide! Anyways, brushing the sudden flood of 2019/2020-era memories aside, the vocal layering here really suits them!

4. Ghosting

Yeah, I loved this comeback (see: the honorable mentions). I love how silky-smooth "Ghosting" in particular sounds, even though, when I listen more closely, there are SO many different textures playing against each other, all carefully placed to create a super-cohesive, but still interesting, listening experience--it really feels like a lot of care went into this one, and I think that's what makes it such a cozy classic for me. Plus, I just love shiny-sounding guitar!

5. Magic

A carbonated drink in song form. I'll admit, I don't know exactly how or why I love "Magic" so much, but here we are! (Which is exactly how I feel about sparkling water, come to think of it?)

6. I Know I Love You

Road trip anthem!! I probably wouldn't be nearly as attached to this one if that chorus wasn't absolutely EVERYWHERE on the internet in 2021, but, you know, it's not a bad chorus to have ringing in your head 24/7, either.

7. Can't We Just Leave the Monster Alive

My embarrassing affection for tropical house has become a recurring bit on this blog now, I guess. Well, here's another tropical house track I'm still not over! (Just you wait for my Chung Ha top ten list...)

8. Drama

I like the nice piano sounds!! They make my soul happy, like hugging a stuffed animal or eating crunchy things :) Oh, I guess the rest of the song has nice energy, too! But I'm mostly here for the piano, sorry...

9. Farewell, Neverland

I really underestimated this song--at first, I was just okay with it, thinking it was pleasant and sort of catchy, a song that's not bad to leave on loop for a while, but there are great production choices all over the place (the PERCUSSION.) that have given it a lot of longevity for me.

10. Everlasting Shine

Every single chorus in this one is Awesome and makes me Very Sad. The vocal performances here are real standouts!

Honorable Mentions: Fairy of Shampoo, the blue hour album cover (no not the song just the album cover), Wishlist, Way Home, Anti-Romantic, Good Boy Gone Bad, Thursday's Child Has Far To Go

[twinhood-2dot0]

Tell Me Why

I’m a total cheapskate. I have around 150 games I got for free from Epic Games, and a few on Steam, and I’ve paid for a total of 7 games. So in June I found that a game called Tell Me Why was free on Steam so I just got it and never thought about it again. Until later on when I was watching a video on why you shouldn’t buy Hogwarts: Legacy, when they mentioned that you should instead support games made by LGBTQIA+ people, like Celeste and Tell Me Why, and my ears perked up, and I went to my Steam library and there it was! So I immediately installed it, and wow. It is awesome. I have one gripe with it though. More of a gripe with me but whenever I think about the game my brain just jumps to Jake Peralta singing “Tell me whyyy, ain’t nothing but a heartbreak”. Anyways, that aside. So the story is about twins, Alyson and Tyler, Tyler is a trans man, who were separated from each other after their mom was killed by Tyler following a supposed psychotic episode where she tried to shoot Tyler. 10 years later, after Tyler is released from juvie, they reunite, and go back to their childhood home to sell it and put their past behind them, but they find things they did not expect to. I won’t go into much more detail for now.

I really love the story and where it’s heading and oh my god, the interactions between them, so great. Gameplay-wise, it’s sorta like a visual novel but you get to play, instead of choosing dialogue options and reading text, sorta like a Telltale game (Telltale Games was a development studio that made episodic games with choices that branch the story, like choosing to be an asshole or choosing between characters to die. It’s fun. I never played any because cheapskate, but I watched like a ton of playthroughs and could probably detail the story and branches of Minecraft: Story Mode). There’s also a really interesting mechanic that I don’t really want to spoil too much, but they help tell the story through flashbacks and make for some interesting interactions. I also really love the portrayal of dysphoria and the struggles of being trans, they put a lot of effort into getting it right, which I really appreciate, and the voice actor for Tyler is also himself trans. :P I wish I took more screenshots, but you’ve seen those that I did take, so eh.

NOOOO DAMMIT, I COULDN’T GET A SCREENSHOT. Anyways, it’s just dialogue that went

Alyson: So do you want instant coffee or… instant coffee?

Tyler: Hmm, nah. I’m more of a T person. Get it? Like T as in-

Alyson: Mmmhmm. How long have you been waiting to make that joke?

Tyler: Longer than I’m willing to admit. 

(Sorry, I’ve been waiting to use this meme for longer than I’d like to admit too.)

(T is short for Testosterone if you weren’t aware)

Uhh what else have been up to, oh yeah, I finished 2 anime. Your Lie in April and Tokyo Ghoul. YLIA is certainly something. My heart aches just thinking about it, and I’m not one to get emotional about much. Seriously, it has this really cool opening, https://open.spotify.com/track/2BlDX1yfT0ea5wo0vjCKKa?si=7b95e588be604494

 and I learnt to play the intro on the piano, but whenever I do I’m like goddammit I can’t deal with this pain again. It’s about a piano prodigy who stopped playing after his mom and tutor died, and him getting back into it because of a violinist. She forces him to be her accompanist and then picks it up again. Again, don’t wanna give out too many details, although, it is romance so you probably won’t watch it, but whatever. I would make a comparison with a certain novel but that would be giving out too much. I’ve vowed to never spoil anyone. I think I’m finally shedding toxic masculinity and allowing myself to watch whatever I want. Overtly edgy stuff still has my heart tho. Tokyo Ghoul is… weird, in a bad way. I watched the first two seasons and I’m like huh??? in a bad way. I usually like going huh??? but like, nothing mad e sense. Turns out the anime adaptation is garbage. Gonna have to read it :P. So I started Banana Fish. My first shoujo! I heard it’s… sad? Weird? Disturbing? I don’t remember, but all of those are right up my alley so I’m gonna watch it anyways.

(Okay, I'm 3 episodes in, definitely disturbing. Yay! It's created by MAPPA??? Why does MAPPA have everything, like what? Attack On Titan, Chainsaw Man, Jujutsu Kaisen, literally every recent anime is MAPPA lmao)

Also, I played this really cool demo of a game called Paper Trails, by the creator of Hue, another puzzle platformer game that I got for free, with an interesting mechanic where you use colors to make stuff appear or disappear, so like if it's a red platform and you switch to red, the platform will disappear, and if you switch to something else it reappears, and Paper Trails did not disappoint either. So, the basic mechanic is, it's a top down puzzle game, where the levels are paper. So the level has two sides, and you can fold the paper to create pathways and solve puzzle. Really innovative, can't wait to play the finished game.

[pascalishere]

Incunabala Review/Record of my thoughts

This is more for me to make it easier to remember what each track was like

Karpol Introl: Cool intro track, already lots of really pretty textures and sounds going on. Excited to dig deeper!

Bike: Oh, that transition! I already like this. Four minutes in now, I can see why this is one of their most popular tracks! I really hope they don’t peak here tho…

Autriche: Oh, I didn’t think there would be any kind of vocals ever, cool! I don’t know what instrument that is, but I love it! Feels out of place in a nice way. oh it was another synth lol. I think this is my favorite track so far.

Bronchus 2: …what happened to Bronchus 1? Loving the reverb and the beats. Quite eerie, feels like a broken machine is patrolling nearby. I am a little worried that I’m not really getting it though. This is cool and I’m really enjoying myself, but it feel like I’m missing something?

Basscadet: Ooh, right away I love the drums(?) and how sharp the synths are. Okay, new favorite track I think. Oh, LOVING this switch up!

Eggshell: oh god we’ve got a “long” one. That sharp tapping sound feels familiar. Love the pulsing sound going on low in the mix. Am I hearing samples from Sonic the Hedgehog? I feel like I’m starting to get a grasp of the music. Active listening is hard, but I’m picking up so many more details of the immaculate progression. OHHH I love these sounds near minute four, so cool!!! That more prominent fuzzy sound+the chk chk sound? Perfection. I’ve literally just been “dancing” for the past two minutes, it’s great. Wow, that actually went by pretty fast.

Doctrine: What is this sound? Oh, those crisp handclap sounds are gonna get annoying real soon lol. Love the drums once again, so deep and throaty. Oh, never mind, we’re bouncing! I gotta move around, brb! Oh, come through whirling synths! I also like the electronic babbling coming in and out, adds a lot. Love the way they slowly remove textures, and then drop em right back into the mix, it’s cool every time. Oh oh oh! Loving the last minute, such a great speed-up!

Maetl: Love the synths going along with the beats, cool sound. This is a debut record? These guys clearly know what they’re doing, I wonder how long they’d been working before this. Really liking the choppy tinny sounds, along with that thrumming shuffle going on in the bg. How am I not bored yet???

Windwind: oh god another long one. Well, it doesn’t lie, it does sound pretty windy already. Let’s see where this goes! God, they know exactly when to introduce new elements, huh? It almost sounds like string instruments, it’s beautiful. Where am I? Fuck it, no more commentary for the track, I just wanna listen, it’s gorgeous. Wow, absolute stunner. Like reading an epic in a language you don’t speak.

Lowride: I’m half-expecting to hear someone start rapping over this beat, I love it. OH, hell yeah, piano! Why not? This is probably the most dated-sounding track here, but it still sounds new? It’s great either way.

444: Loving the intro already, very rousing but peaceful. The percussion is very tasty, love the way it fades in. This definitely feels like a closing track. It’s all so good, I’m running out of things to say and adjectives to say them with!

Okay, so good news and bad news,

Good news: More music for me to break into and enjoy!

Bad news: More music for my friends to get annoyed hearing about!

Definitely digging deeper into their stuff soon, can’t wait to check out Amber!!!