#''We are still your friends.''

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Hey now, Let her cook!

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[questwithambition]

Something incredibly satisfying about knowing your craft and the confidence that goes with it. Just the casual “yeah I could make that”. Want a band tee? Yeah I can embroider my own with the lyrics I want. Bridesmaid dress too long? Yeah I can hem it. Need new slippers? Yeah I can crochet a pair (and give them bunny ears). And of course it’s not perfect but nothing beats that feeling of being able to craft your own solution with your own two hands

[lanavecorona]

today i offer you tmnt art. tomorrow???? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[redysetdare]

Soulmates are inherently amatonormative and it's so wild how many people refuse to acknowledge that and instead go around trying to "make it more inclusive" which mostly just leads to then forcing aspec characters into a amatonormative narrative.

[theabigailthorn]

You're not uniquely talented or hard working you just went to the right schools.

Yes, yes! This is exactly why I started Philosophy Tube! Why shouldn't someone else, anyone else, have access to the education I got??? The intellectual and cultural heritage of our species is for everyone, not just privileged people like me! :)

[yooboobies]

angel sunshine for an angel sunshine | for @huhfeatjhope

[purple-raspberries]

Genderfluid Julie, again! Named Jules because the name is right there!

I like to think he changes his voice a bit with the help of Sally, who calls him Julian or Julius (so Greek sounding).

Eddie and Frank are already friends with him, so they love him already, which makes the thought of friend crushes (also called “squishes”) very possible. Like when you have a close friend and you’re hanging out as usual, but you’re suddenly confused if you like them more than just a friend or if you just really like them as a person (platonic).

[jewelleria]

I know it's not how you rationalize it to yourself, but your posts about Israel/palestine come off as a support of the destruction of Gaza and ethnic cleansing of Palestinians. Insisting that it's a war (Palestine isn't allowed to have an army, and Israel cannot claim self-defence against a territory they occupy), denying that Israel is at fault, obscuring support of Palestine in general as being motivated by antisemitism - it paints a picture.

At least 30 000, probably closer to 100 000 Palestinians have been killed as of now. That is so monumentally worse than anything currently happening to Israel / zionists. So when you spend most of your energy focusing on those wrongs, or insisting that people talking about Palestine should focus on them, it comes off as brushing it off or trying to diminish its importance.

You don't have to answer, as I'll be blocking you, but I'm asking you to please consider what you're willing to support, excuse or tone down, and why. I know what it's like to be too focused on the discrimination we're facing to really take in what other groups might be going through.

hey anon, that's some great useful idiot syndrome you got there. how much college debt did you go into to earn it?

[unpersoniverse]

Skén:nen sá:sewh

as promised, here's Precious boy™ getting kissed by Precious wife™ because he deserves all the love in the world :cc

translation: Get home safe

[ruporas]

Mini Wolfwood Plush has a preorder date! Preorders will open in 3 days on 9/22 @ 4PM EST until Oct 6th @ 4PM EST.

Those who input their email on the mailing list should've received one today and if you want to join the mailing list for a reminder on the day of, it's not too late to fill out the google form here!

Original Mini WW Post

[aberfaeth]

[spiltcandycoatedpunkblood]

ngl being a trans man and being sidelined in the media and being treated as 'brainwashed little girls' or 'privileged aggressive men' pisses me off so much, especially with how the gender binary and essentialism is wrapped up in progressive or patronising language. it is depressing to see the media portray trans women as predators, nonbinary people as 'special little snowflakes' and trans men as brainwashed girls generally forgotten about. none of us are benefitting from this except the societal structure that the media is a part of. I do not gain privilege as a man because my transness exists. I don't know if it's just me, but there is an unspoken level of transandrophobia that people just don't want to acknowledge.

[tahopo]

anons asked me how my cousland and surana knew each other: she was his childhood friend/healer/…… bully! lol

actual explanation under.

cousland was born very sick. it was generally thought he was housebound in highever and his grandfather’s bannorn at the storm coast because of the abundance of spindleweed there.

in truth, he was suffering from an illness that ran through his maternal line, rooted in the sanguinarian reaver culture fearchar and his ancestors heavily partook in. cousland’s assured infant death was prevented by a blood mage sworn to fealty and secrecy. he subsequently lived and grew up alongside the mage’s daughter, surana, who farmed spindleweed and was learned in healing.

surana was cousland’s only friend during his entire time in ferelden. surana herself was selectively mute. she could not speak to her own enraged, severe mother but was able to around cousland. much of this stifled expression and redirected anxiety was exhibited in their dynamic, with surana often domineering and tormenting him to maintain his attention. while their connection was fond, surana could not count on it to be unconditional. this was a very scared girl who saw time and time again his kind fail her kind. the story goes a little more complex but ultimately what happened was this: surana gave herself up to the circle, her mother was found dead, and cousland recovered.

[gunsatthaphan]

in honor of international kissing day I would like to once again raise awareness of this specific sandray moment because it remains one of my favorite scenes and I still think about it on a regular basis--

[dentist-brainsurgeon]

FROGGY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO