#🥺🥺🥺 thinking about tbis...

[xserpx]

Finished The Blade Itself, and probably enjoyed it more this time around than I ever have. I've always hated him but Sult is actually a pretty great chessmaster type who seems to grasp more of the bigger picture than Glokta, at least at the start. I still think Pacey's voice for him makes him sound too silly, but if you look past that he's not nearly so fuddy-duddy. I look forward to returning to him in LAOK.

Jezal and Ardee are spectacular as always. I'll never not love the way Jezal ends up being the one swept off his feet.

This book has a lot of fantastic monologues ("I've fought in three campaigns", Forley's farewell, plus Jezal's chin which technically isn't a monologue but does live rent-free in my brain), and Ardee's is truly up there with the very best.

I really liked the description of the House of the Maker. Usually I don't give a shit because world-building meh, but paying attention to it more this time I think Joe captures the uncanny quality really well. It has a Midjourney-style impossibility to it, as well as that nauseating hyper detail. The bit where Glokta notices that they didn't go up any stairs is great, and I like how it kinda bonds Glokta & Jezal through their shared experience of something impossible to describe to anyone else.

In other news, the Bloody-Nine is fantastic. This isn't actually news. I did like how Vitari & Ferro were his main opponents and how it showed how hardcore they both are to even be able to face the B9 and survive.

And speaking of Ferro, she is so freaking great. I love how she's a comic relief character and also a horrible stray cat that wandered in, hissing at people, insulting them, no care for comfort or hygiene. To be that funny and prickly while also yearning make connections deep down, she is so good ❤️🥺.

And the freaking foreshadowing is so audacious.

10 seconds after meeting Jezal's father this happens:

‘We will talk later.’ [Bayaz] said it with a disturbing finality, as if it were a thing already arranged. Then he turned away and vanished smoothly into the crowds. Jezal’s father stared after him, ashen-faced now, as though he had seen a ghost.

‘Do you know him, father?’

‘I ...’

Then an interruption happens and that moment (and Jezal's father generally) is entirely forgotten about.

Also this:

High Justice Marovia, Glokta noticed, looked to be thoroughly enjoying himself. Almost as if he knows something we don’t.

Say one thing for the foreshadowing, say it isn't subtle!

Very good all round. Though I have now started BTAH and that first West chapter is so boring, especially compared to the similar first Gorst chapter in TH, which is also an exposition-heavy discussion of battle tactics amongst people we're not sure if we need to care about yet but Gorst's chapter still manages to have some decent character moments. My theory is that Ferro, Dogman & West are all at their best in TBI, whilst Glokta rules supreme in BTAH, and Jezal & Logen are what makes LAOK my favourite overall.

[sickficideas]

Dazai/Akutagdoawa/whoever not taking painkillers when they probably need them bc they're in pain a lot and they don't want them to lose effect bc of the body getting used to them n stuff

Ada Dazai complains a lot, prolly claims that he's already taken painkillers (he's a silly silly liar). Pm Dazai DOWNS them painkillers and then ignores it for the rest of the day as much as he can. Eother way, he'll, typically go on till he passes out & really hates being sick. Any sort of way. Mean sickie.

Chūya just outright doesn't bother. Arahabaki n shit. Definitely the the type to try and get through it. When he can't get through it he ends up really bad but I think he's half decent at taking care of himself

Akutagawa I feel like it'd be maybe 50/50? He probably takes painkillers if he throws up. I don't think he hates throwing up like some people do but he definitely doesn't like it. He doesn't take painkillers when he's sick bc he's the type to just not notice that he's sick. Gets very faint & dizzy. ALL the blankets. Never left alone, partially bc people are worried, partially bc akutagawa doesn't like being alone when sick. Also, he's been carried home by Gin quite often.

Atsushi just.. doesn't expect painkillers :< poor guy probably has uh psychosomatic/stress induced sickness/pain. The type of guy to sob until he throws up :<

Fyodor on the other hand takes painkillers daily probably lmao. He needs em. He gets feverish so easily and faints a lot. Also gets delirious easily. (Last two inspired by rasnikolav from crime and punishment. The feverish one also sorta!)

Nikolai doesn't take painkillers like ever not bc of "pride" or anything they just don't. They also rarely get sick, despite hanging around two pretty sickly people. When he does get sick he's typically not very sick. Whiny & dramatic. When he's actually really sick he's just very very quiet.

Sigma poor guy gets migraines a lot and doesn't really know what painkilllers are. I also think their immune system isn't great bc. 3 years of existing, majority spent in a very isolated community? Sigma spent like the first month as the Manager (not really at that point) just miserable </3

TBIS WAS SO MUCH LONGER THAN INTENDED OH GOD

These are all so good 😭😭

Dazai abusing pain medication is so real and I love the idea of Chuuya always thinking he's fine...but I do agree I think he takes good care of himself when he needs to 🥺

I absolutely love the Akutagawa one especially the faint and dizzy...he really owns the sickly victorian man trope, and everyone being worried about him all the time 😭 and Gin carrying him home 💔 I really need to write more with them💔💔💔

Atsushi breaks my heart poor thing...Kunikida always keeps an extra eye out for him💔

And the DOA ones are so good too Fyodor is on the sickly victorian man train I love it...I haven't considered Sigma with a bad immune system I like that!!!! hard agree on Nikolai as well I love the quiet when sick💖💖💖

[fandom-hoarder]

I'm about to watch walker 4x07... (copypaste from DM with the bestie <3)

The way the jackal notebook looks like John's journal, cordell waking up to that instead of geri has me 👀👀👀👀

Luna is watching hawk's shadow hahhh

God, cassie talking about the double standard for women dating 👀👀 will this be explored

Omg tactical gear and all, on a hunch👀👀👀

Stella so pretty

Witt being awfully pushy istg

Campus security thinking it's just some drunk frat dude, after seeing that video, is willful ignorance lmfao

Lmao I'm over here like, hell no I'm not letting you in my house without a warrant, jfc

I knew they would draw on him for reaching for something but goddamn😬

Lmao Bonham's shade at cordell teaching stella bad technique

Cordell is looooooosing itttttt

"I'm not gonna lose my friend to this" hiiiiii have you looked in a mirrorrrrr

Having cereal for dinner cuz he's solely focused on the case hahhh relatable

See, this is why geri had to leave

He's gotta have no tether at home

Is it too much to hope for an Emily's ghost moment before the end of this case 👀👀👀👀

Corpus Crooner ?? Lolol

Omg

Even good karaoke gives me secondhand embarrassment lol

Lmao that chest shot

The closeups on Luna lol they know what they're doing. I'm always so amused

Lololol is bonham IGNORING Abilene

Ooof stella is like damn

Dtr tho lol

He's not gonna show up to boot camp is he...

"He's a zookeeper" lmfao jfc

ROTTING DOG

[Why are commercials so weirddddd (i know why but good LORD)

Why is kevin hart literally in EVERYTHING]

Oh it's this kind of zoo lololol

Serpentarium lmfao

I FUCKING KNEW IT. HE'S MISSING AUGIE

Gotta be consistent, i guess lmao

Omg that fall sync up

THE FRUIT

Augie!!!

Aaaaaaahhhh head injury!! Lol jared has acting tbi DOWN

Lmao lovey dovey cassie

I love trey and augie so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

He's really been an influence in his maturity

"I'll make it up to him" that's a familiar line

Yeah, liam, tell himmmmm

"Dramatic" ooh and that flippant affect 😯😯😯😯😯😯

He is LOSING it losing it 👁👄👁

BLACK GLOVESSSSS???

Oh i see

IS HE WILL GRAHAMING IT???

😱😱😱😱😱😱😱 YOU CAN'T END THERE OMG

Hahhhhh please let this get renewed god

Rewatching the ep immediately lmfao

What difference does a 5pm curfew make if you're not around to enforce it lolol

Eating cereal so you don't have to think about cooking and staring at the thing you're reading...also relatable

Cassie unable to separate work/life on the romantic side parallel to Cordell's inability to work/life balance on the work side 👀

Cordell is like a bomb sniffing dog that alerts for everything

(There's a series of YouTube shorts about a retired bomb sniffer that false alerts everywhere he goes😅 reminds me of that)

It's funny in all that ranch house they don't have somewhere else to put the home gym 😅

Bonham so snotty on the "our ranch" lol. Sounds a little bit "my ranch" sir

Did stella even get a new room or anything? Is she still in the same dorm the guy used a KEY to get in?

Once again, the coming inside to ask questions part makes me sooo 😬😬😬😬😬😬

I am so not letting 4 rangers IN TACTICAL GEAR into my house without a warrant. Don't care HOW innocent i am

You think i warrant that much prep, you can GET a warrant

Serial killer case not enough to excuse it. That's how cases get thrown out, buddy

Goddddddd only augie even knows her dorm was broken into. Like it is just hitting me how they all really don't know what she's going through. Yeah girl, get some self defense from grandpa

I knew augie was gonna help that kid as soon as he failed the trial time lol

Everybody and his literal mama: Cordi, you're letting the case consume you

Cordell: well that's just, like, your opinion, man 😉

Stella's braid is so cute. Lol bonham giving abilene the snub understandable, but stella just staying focused on her punches and also ignoring her😅

Wonder if cordell is going to miss August's high school grad, too 👀👀👀👀👀👀 y'know, to keep it all even lol

Lalala what is a warrant lololol

The visual storytelling on this show is so ON POINT this season. The music, the video syncing with these multiple parallels in the bootcamp/zoo scene, the main plot/secondary plot parallels. They're FOCUSED

AUGUST, PLEASE DON'T JOIN THE ARMY. PRETTY PLEASE.

I'm soooo happy about liam being like "stella is going through it and you in particular should be there for her on this but you're ignoring it"

[mountttmase]

Girl about the family day concept 🤭🩷

You live in London and usually drive up to Manchester on Friday and semd the weekend with him.

Maybe you told him you were not going to be able to be there cause you have an emergency at work or you have to do your overtime...so of course he is super sad cause not only you were not going to be there fir the family day but he won't be able to see you that week.

Of course he can't be so sad cause it's not on your power, you just had to stay in London and summer is going to be over for the first time for more than a day so he has to make sure to be the best uncle everyone no sadness accepted

You somehow manage to do all the work on Saturday, maybe working till super late, let's say midnight, so you run home, have a shower and get in your car/train and go to Manchester.

You arrive at 5 am and call him, he answers the phone and is super scared cause why would you call him at this time and you just tell him to open the door...he doesn't connect the dots immediately so you tell him that you're outside and you're freezing so he gets up and looks out of his window course he still doesn't belive you and you're actually there.

He opens the door and after hugs and kisses you go back to bed.

In the morning summer has the habit to go in uncle Mason bed and wake him up but as soon as she opens the door and sees you die starts to scream all excited so you wake up and it's all a big group cuddle.

You and his family have breakfast all together and have a perfect morning with him taking you around Manchester with summer on his shoulders and you by his side.

After lunche you go at the training pitch and it's all fun with Mason and Summer running around.

At some point you sit down with jaz and Debbie and they start talking about how good Mason is with summer and Mila, and you obviously agree.

When you go back at his is actually time for you to go back in London cause you have to work but you have two last surprises. Let's say you're alone cause his family left when you turned back from the training ground....you go to your car and grab a little package and tell him to just open it

And he finds inside a work contract foe a job in Manchester...so you are going to finally move and live up there with him and he is already super happy

But there's something else for him...while you were a the training centre you bought a little uniform and you give it to him too...he thinks it is for Mila so asks you why you didn't give it to jaz when they were there but you tell him that it's not for her and take out of your pocket a pregnancy test🥹🤭

STOP I READ TBIS LAST NIGHT AND WANTED TK SAVE IT I LOVE IT SO MUCH

he’d be so upset that you couldn’t make it and when you tell him your outside he’s so bewildered and then he can’t sleep cause he’s so excited you’re there and just wants to hold you and not miss a second.

And you just have the best day together like he can’t wait to show you around and show you what he does all day 🥺 and he’s so good with the babies

And then telling him you’re moving I bet he’d be so floored like he wanted you there from the start but he knew you had your own life to sort out

And then a baby in top omg I bet he feels like all his Christmas’s came at once 😭 I wanna give him a baby 😭

[miserableyoplait]

so i watched the top gun movies and i- rooster 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💕💖💕💖

i am thibking about him 🥺🥰💖

[becauseicantthinkwritings]

uhm, miss? 👉👈 did you just say you have a dark!billy idea around the last gifset you reblogged 🥺anything more about it you want to share? 🥺

Okay okay okay okay

So hear me out:

Warning: dark Billy russo, mentions of non-con

So what if Billy was with you and Dinah at the same time during the events of s1. Using both of you for different things.

So you obviously find out and end things with him, and then the whole TBI thing happens.

And he's with Krista now, but suddenly he's having small flashes of being with you, and he follows his instincts and finds where you live.

And he's all cocky like he was in those gifs and he just wants to remember.

So when he says "in this place?" He then asks for a vivid reminder of you. Does all those deliciously dark things to you because he wants to remember. And he keeps coming back because you give him the control he craves, while all Krista gives him is pain.

The gun he brings in is only really for show, just to give you that sweet look of fear mixed in with pleasure while he fucks you on the living room couch with the gun pressed to your cheek. Because you keep letting him in, over and over, a chance to use him, while he thinks he's the one using you.

"I can't even imagine forgetting a pussy this tight, little girl. I bet I used protection before, but there's nothing better than taking you raw."

"I can't remember fucking you before, but don't worry baby, I'll make new memories."

[gunsatthaphan]

oh doreen i thought apparently i was the only one who was emotionally overwhelmed by atots but im glad u and others share the same thoughts haha. idk if its because its actually insanely beautiful cinematography, if im just a sucker for rural, sweet slice of life settings or the fact that i kinda love the casting for this series. also the characters are kinda intriguing to me because it would’ve been so easy to make phupa like this cold and distant dude and the freshfaced city boy to be bright and happy and fall into a trope trap but i think its so cool that phupa’s actually kinda super gentle and not emotionally distant as i thought he was going to be. and tian’s really interesting bc yeah he’s arrogant and spoilt no doubt but i can’t help but also feel sorry for him. his mother seems to dote on him but the way his dad acts towards him kinda breaks my heart. like the line “if u dont love urself love ur mother” can be such a slap in the face to a kid IDK. anyway, im ready for some character development and conflict so we can see more sides of the characters. also earth and mix off screen are so hilarious in the way they bicker and they seem to vibe so well.

AND I MISSED EARTH LIKE WTF GMMTV REALLY KEPT THIS MAN IN THE DUNGEON ALL THIS TIME ONLY FOR THEM TO PUSH HIM OUT AND BE LIKE GO FORTH BEAUTIFUL MAN AND STAR IN TBIS GORGEOUS ASS SERIES LOL. its the comeback he deserves!!!

also i saw in the commentary Aof say that this is the first series he really put his all into so im excited to see the potential. also i cant get over the fact that they literally built that house/hut just for the series months ahead. sorry that this turned out so long but i’ve really liked the eps so far! anyway end of word vomit.... hope have a nice day/night 💕💕

hello anon!!!

ah yes!! I like it so far!! I said this before but I love shows that have a natural setting like UGH I’m such a sucker for beautiful nature shots. And this one has them all 🥺💕Also with all the university settings this is such a nice change of scenery. It reminds me of itsay which also had these nice nature shots!! I just love that. I just hope it won’t be as melodramatic bc I don’t need that kind of pain again dskjfh. But it’s gmmtv so....... I think we’re good 🙈

I like how you described the characters; I couldn’t have said it better myself. I find Tian very intriguing and I like the contrast between his “old” and his “new” life. I also like Phupa’s characterization; I would like to know more about his backstory with Torfun though, because I think that’s still missing a little bit. I’m very much moved by her story with the kids and even though we are getting frequent flashbacks, I wanna know more about her relationship with Phupa in particular because I find that aspect very interesting; especially in regards to his relationship with Tian. But I’m sure we’ll get that! also where is my bby Khao i wanna see him 🥺lol

I like Mix’s acting style a lot; I haven’t seen any bts stuff of him and earth yet but they seem to have a good chemistry. I like it! 💕

have a wonderful day/night as well anon and thank you for sharing your thoughts!!!! :)) 

xxx

[hausofmamadas]

so like i've joked about it before sksks but this reblog.... i coould be wrong now, but i'm fairly fucking certain this is the first reblog that is actually as long as the fic

It gives you different markers now, different structures to shape the friendship around.

Okay I am already loving the establishment of the history, the length of the relationship and then how that’s changed as they’ve grown older cause really it would be so hard to stay friends with someone who has maybe a bit of a Peter Pan complex only with more coke involved sjsjsjsjsjsj

Simple. There you were, there he was. Now, you have to pencil him in like any other obligation.

I cant remember exactly what you said but you actually complimented me on something like this at one point?? And you called it something academic and literary and fancy that I can’t remember rn bc I know nothing of nothing and you have a whole ass master’s degree in the thing but like the simplicity of the language and sentence structure here makes this so much more powerful. Like I’m always trying to condense what I write bc I feel like I’m way too wordy and there are times where it really just s l a p s so much fucking harder to state something plainly

He isn’t an obligation. You try not to let him feel like one.

OHHHHHHHHH MY THIS IS JUST 🥺🥺🥺 BUT THEN ALSO THE CONTRADICTIINS OF LIKE THEY JUST SAID HES BECOME LIKE ANY OTHER OBLIGATION EVEN THO THEY DONT WANT HIM TO BE OR DONT WANT TO THINK OF HIM THAT WAY AT LEAST LIKE UUGH MY HEART ALREADY

‘Finally,’ is how he greets you, when you see him at last.

STORITTOTPPPPPPPPO MY TINY GRINCH HEART CANNOT CAAAANNOT TAKE IT, JUST HOW RAFA THIS REALLY FUCKING IS. LIKE I CAN HEAR IT SO PERFECTLY “por fin” im crying

He doesn’t comment on the mess, the mismatched furniture, the dishes, the piles of books and paints across the dining table.

SKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSJS the prospect of Rafa like crashing at your place for a visit and criticizing the furniture is so funny to me bc he wouldn’t bc literallt sksksks the man does not have a single leg to stand on when it comes to decor KEKW

‘Dios mio,’ you laugh, ‘you actually did it, Rafi.’

OKAY ON MY LIIIIIIIIIFE, RAFI???? RAFI. MY MIND IS BROKEN. ITS THE SWEETEST NICKNAME. IDK HOW NO ONE EVER CALLED HIM THAT ON THE SHOW. I LOVE IT IDK WHY BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH

‘I thought you’d smoke too many of the samples and forget what you were doing, tonto.’

SCREAMINSSKKS bc this is 100% what I’d personally expect him to do too although he was a lot more disciplined in the beginning with that sort of shit but you know he was baked out of his gourd on the regular stillskskss

He’s explained the idea enough times already, but it never sticks, it doesn’t connect in you, the way it does for him. It’s in one ear, out the other. He’s always been for it, science, statistics, experiments and the answers beneath…

Just copy/pasting this entire ass paragraph who among us thinks this’ll be the last I do that in this post? No one? Good you know me well sksks but I feel like this is so fucking accurate and also something that’s so easy to forget in light of how he turns out by the end of the show. Like he’s kind of a fucking botanical whiz?? Even Neto was like, “tf? This kid’s a genius?” in the pilot ep. Like bc he succumbs to addiction, it’s easy to forget what an actual big deal it was, creating a new fucking cash crop essentially, so I love the focus on that from the get, es como que… a veces, él está siendo estupido pero no es estupido, si me sientes

His free hand goes into his jean pocket, retrieving the tin that’s never far from his person. It’s made of a rusty, scratched copper, held together with a loose elastic band.

Okay but whyyyyyttttttt does the idea of Rafa carrying a little fucking tin of bud around at all times the most correct thing in my actual life

You hum, acknowledging without really listening, and flip open his tin.

KSSKSKSKKS NO CRYYYYING BC TBIS IS EXACTLY HOW I WOULD RESPOND just like “este wey🙄can I just try the shits instead of you reciting a whole Wikipedia (encyclopedia?) page about the thing”

Rafa laughs, pinching the sound short by biting into his lip. Then he shrugs. ‘What? I had to. I still brought you some, didn’t I?’

KAKSKSKS I HAD TO, OH REALLYRAFA, WAS IT A MORAL IMPERATIVE THAT YKU GET BAKED OUT OF YOUR GOURD ON YOUR OWN NEW SUPERSTRAIN OF WEEDJSKSKSJ ESO ES LO QUE TE DIJERON LOS DIOSES DE MOTA??

A purpose, he must think, direction at last. ‘My job,’ he says proudly, ‘is to make sure the product is good.’

suuuuuuure yes, sure go ahead and lob this brick at my fucking chest with “a purpose … a direction at last” bc I swear this man does not do well with idle hands, like part of the reason for his breakdown is the fact that he’s literally given nothing else to fucking do. And this is where I’m like, sure Miguel is smart for putting the whole thing together but being top dog means you gotta be at least a leeeeeeeeeetle bit of a ppl person. Like if he’d made Rafa feel like he had some kind of purpose way earlier when he started makin moves with the Colombians, shit prolllllyyy wouldn’t have gone quite as sideways but also tf do I know about running a cartel actually

You smile, infected by him, by the excitement glowing off of him.

STRRRRRTTTIOOOOPPP NO BC a) I KNOW THE EXACT FUCKING SMILE… it’s this smile

and b) I feel like this is a quality universally acknowledged in almost every rafa fic I’ve ever read that his smile is literally like the most blinding shot of earnestness and joy, you literally cannot say no to whatever pendejadas he’s proposing. even María on her worst day couldn’t resist it sksksksks

Scared to admit the dream aloud. ‘Si, es solo el comienzo, sabes?’

NO OKAYSSKSSKSN I AM BANGING A GAVEL AND CALLONG EVERYONE ALL 2 OF US BC IMJUSTSOSORRY I have given this so much thought, like the essence, the thesis for Rafa is that this mf is at his core, a d r e a m e r like embedded in his identity. So like having something to aspire to, beyond the like cock solid ngl this was supposed to say rock solid but i had to let the greatest typo of all time ride sksks freebase hit of power that Miguel’s constantly simping after, is a fucking necessity for this man. He doesn’t know who he is if he doesn’t have some kind of dream so I love that you included that here

You put the joint between your lips and hold out a hand. ‘Pues,’ you prompt, ‘give me a light. Let me see the future.’

OHSSHUUUUUUTTHEFUCKINGFRONTDOOR WITH THIS SLICK ASF DIALOGUE, OH IM MAD, IM MAD MAD MAD, IM SHOOTING SPITBALLS AT YOU FROM A STRAW RN, BC THAT LINE IS SOOOSKSKSJWJWB SM LRKENE GOTDAMN INSPIRED AND I HATE YOU FOR IT (cariñoso por supuesto)

Says something else about soil, earth, plants and lying scientists, fucking lying scientists. You blink against the dark, push the heel of your free palm into your eye sockets.

Sksssscreeching at “fuckint lying scientists” bc ppl legit don’t understand that the scientific method is a way of testing hypotheses that we DONT KNOW ARE CORRECT YET LIKE FFS YOURE TRTING TO SEE IF IT’S RIGHT OR WRONG so the minute a scientist gives any kind of answer tangentially resembling “I don’t know,” people start flipping tables over and screaminfksksks and Rafa is one of those ppl despite his raw intelligence. BUT THEN SKSKSKSKS THE WHOLE HEEL OF YOUR PALM INTO YOUR EYE SOCKETSSSJSJS I’m both marveling at the simple yet so-vivid description of this action bc i can see it SOO clearly and also choking bc anyone who’s ever dealt with a Big Sad Rafa, you know for a fucking fact they’ve done this exact thing at least once literally fuckinsksksks Miguel, as much as I hate him and much of this is largely of his own making, he has rightfully done this exact thing like 20 times in the show like if I had the time, I’d straight make a gif of the exact scene I’m thinking of sksk

He isn’t there to look at, but you pretend that he is. Imagine him sitting at the end of your bed, head in his hands, tears streaking down his cheeks. If he was, you’d reach a hand out. Run it along the ridge of his spine and watch him decompress. It’s easier to know what to say to him when you have him there, like that. Even just in your head.

Alright sksksksjjs here tf we go with the first full-ass paragraph but I literally????? do not even know what to do?? or who I am??? or where to begin?? bc likeGODDDDD okay, the sentiment of this entire paragraph is just so??? it just smacks of like Reader trying to protect themselves from their own mind by like leaning into this hypothetical scenario wherein Rafa is not full fuckint mess that they know he damn well is but THEN as if that wasn’t enough, you had to throw in this interesting dynamic where like they have to relate to Real Rafa by retreating into this part of their brain that they keep Ideal Rafa like all the best parts of him concentrated in one spot so they don’t forget the more he loses himself AND UFH SISKSKSKD ITS JUET SO FUCKING SENSIBLE AND SAD AND IM SHAKING MY FIST INTO THE SKY FULLY GET-OFF-MY-LAWN-YOU-VARMINTS, BOOMER GRANDPA

You hear a thunk in you ear like he’s struck the handset against the nearest wall. He has, no doubt, but it holds. The call stays connected and buzzing in your palm.

Soryajsjsjsjsj bc all im thinking about is that one part where he chucks that gold phone from the second floor and it shatters into a million pieces and liksksksksks I bet they had to have like some kind of warehouse of spare phones, aksksks maybe it’s at the Arellano warehouse or like some contingency built in the budget for spare phones bc Rafa’s decimated so many of themsksksks i imagine it’s a contingency budget similar to like movie sets have for props like sunglasses n shit

The Rafa on the end of your bed is pacing now, stood up and tracing lines into your floorboards. Moving helps him think, it always has, the motion forces the idea to catch and roar into life, like starting an engine.

OHHHHHHH I WWSSKSKSKS AWEAR TO FUCKING CHRIST HERSELFFDDFDDDD I COULD ACTUALLY STRANGLE YOU WITH LOVE I FULLY FUCKINT DONT EVNA GOD.

I literally had to get up and walk around for a second so I could fucking regain my composure and figure out how tf to say how this made me feel. Like the mental image of him tracing lines in the floorboard, mulling it over but that it’s like a fuckimxksjsjwjwjwnw visual exercise for Reader to figure out what to say, how to help him. Like there’s a deep thread of longing in that but it’s really fucking singular in nature to their dynamic specifically bc there’s an element of codependence mixed with self awareness almost??? Like the fact that they kinda need him to be okay for them to be okay and they’re usually this memory palace visualization sksjsjsjssidoaospwondsjsjnwjq to make him oka— Look. Listen. What I’m saying is just ….. ogres are like onions, okay. LAYERS BABY, LAYERRRRRRSSSSSS

You can hear it connect, weirdly, in the silence that follows. Hear the gears click, the brain turn.

NO STOPPS SKSKS I AM CHOKING BC IM JUST PICTURING HIS EXPRESSION AS FULL :WOAHDEEBY: BUT RAFAFIED and by godddkskdkkss it’s making me laugh so fucking hard to the point of hyperventilation, like that laugh with no sound. No sjsjsjs the more I’m thinking about it the more I cannot stooooospkdk fucking laughing

He takes a breath that stills his lungs properly this time, rather than stuffing them with desperate, needed air, then says your name like you’re a genius. Like you’re him.

LIKE YOURE HIM 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 OH WHY MUST YOY ATTACK ME WITH SOMETHINT SO BEAUTIFUL AND TOUCHING I already need a lung transplant from the laughing at this point, why must we continue to deal this damage to my person

‘Don’t kill yourself, tonto.’ Don’t blow yourself to pieces for the sake of water, for the sake of Miguel and his precious sinsemilla.

HOOOOO HOO HOO GUURRRRRRR the not-so-undercover shade👀👀 and resentment👀👀 towards Miguel that is packed into this Mf has got me so 👀 bc what does Reader know. How does Reader have his number so soon am I latching onto this thing that prob means nothing and reading too much into it…. don’t answer that…… probably

He laughs down the line. ‘I’m dead either way, friend. Better I go with a bang.’

GODDDD WHEN I THINK ABOUT WAHT THIS IS IN SOANISHSSISKEK ITS SO FUCKINT DEAD ON RAFA

Me chingue sea como sea, carnal. Pues mejor salir con una 💥 bang.

Imjustsosoryyyysjsjsjsjd it could come right from a script for one of the episodes

You walk through his home like a guest, not a friend. You merge with the walls the way the staff does.

OH SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY THIS FUCKINTGGGGGGG KNOCKED ME ON MY ASS TF

He could find a job for you, he says. You could sit by his pool and earn money like it grows, right there, in the flowerbeds. You could live like he does, if you wanted.No, Rafi, I like what’s mine. I like the quiet.

OH NO, GOOD, SO THENS THENNNNNNNNNNNNNN YOU JUST HAAAAAAAD TO GO AND ASSAULT ME WITH “I like what’s mine. I like the quiet” BC THIS IS THE STICKING POINT RIGHT TF HERE, THIS IS THE REASON THE WHOLE THING IS FUCKING DOOMED and tbh, it’s extra fucked with double-anchovies on top bc the fact of the matter is, the quiet would actually be better for Rafa but what he wants and what’s good for him literallyyyyyyy never fucking overlap. But like this was all I could think about when I was writing him, was like …. man, maybe it’s better to leave some things as just dreams ksksksns at least for our pobre Rafitito

You touch the fabric just to feel it. You’d never owned anything this smooth, this well made.

there’s always the most mundane of moments in every readerfic that make me go “oh maaaaan, me too, homie” sksks this is that moment

There’s white under his nostrils, you haven’t missed that, but you haven’t commented on it, either. At least he smells of smoke as well. At least he’s balancing it out.

NOOOOOOSKSKSKSKSKS NO YOU DID NOT JUST DO THE RATIONALIZATION OF HARDCORE DRUGS WITH AT LEAST MANS IS BALANCING HIS UPPERS AND DOWNERS I AN FUCKING SIDJRJRJDJDJD I AM CHOKING, SEIZING, CANNOT BREATHE, HAVING AN ANEURYSM SKSKSK

He hasn’t even noticed your reaction yet. ‘She didn’t take me seriously,’ he says, ‘last time. She made fun of my clothes.’

The way my heart just grew to thrice his size just remembering our pobrecito trying to dance with Sofia literally shouting over the music, “no soy un pinshe mesero” SKSKSK and then pouting on his way back to the table when she still wouldn’t give him the time of day which let’s be real, Sofia was fully trolling all of us including her fucking self bc mija, imjustsosorry that Rafa was wearing the fucking a dopest shirt I’ve ever seen in that scene, like that one is bar none my favorite of all of his shirts on the show i truly believe Ramon was inspired by Rafa to up his shirt game, no one will fucking convince me otherwise

You let him continue. Your brain is still trying to scramble to the point where any of this makes sense.‘Her father is el Secretario de Educacion.’ He sighs. His hands go to his hips. ‘I want to impress her.’A new project, you realise, that’s what he’s found. Something he can’t have, something impossible. Something to solve.

SKSKSKSKSKKDLFJKSLDKJFA TRYING TO SCRAMBLE TO THE POINT WHERE ANY OF THIS MAKES SENSE IDK WHY SKKSS BUT I AM CRYING SO HARD RNsksksksks bc like for some reason this line specifically made me think of liek Reader’s brain is a Magic 8 Ball and they’re shaking it to get some kind of answer within the realm of clarity only their Magic 8 Brain keeps coming up with those annoying, cryptic, noncommittal answers like “reply hazy, try again” or “concentrate and ask again” akskskskks and the mental image in the context of like what we as viewers know what’s going to happen which is a faked kidnapping attempt of this well-known politician’s daughter and like the logic of that entire fucking shitshow is actually fully sending me in a way I have never been sent before. BUT THENENNNNN SKSKS as if being sent further than I’ve been sent before isn’t enough, I literally skdfsjdkf am so goddamn WOAHDEEBY to the fucking max at “A new project … that’s what he’s found. Something he can’t have, something impossible” bc I have never, ever, ever considered in those exact terms but that does completely fit with my whole hc of Rafa as an interminable dreamer till his last days bc there’s an element of dreams that are unattainable and like he becomes restless when he doesn’t have something too look forward to or reach or whatever and aasbaopsdfhaoisdjhf;a now i’m just fucking babbling like I’ve taken too much of my ADHD medication joke’s on you, I haven’t….this is just what straight ADHD is but like goddddd the thought put into his psyche, I’m just tipping my hat off, that’s what the fuck I’m trying to say

He’s always worn what he liked, always put himself to the world exactly as he is, no apology, no polish. Just him, wild as he came.

NOOOOSDKFJALKSJDF;LAKJSD FK;SHFASJD F;ALKSJ WHY TF AM I ACTUALLLY SALIVATING AT “NO APOLOGY, NO POLISH. JUST HIM, WILD AS HE CAME.” LIKE HWY IS THAT ACCIDENTALLY THE HOTTETST DESCRIPTION OF THIS CHAOTIC MF THAT I’VE EVER, EVER, EVER READ IN ALL OF MY TWENTY EIGHT YEARS ON THIS FUCKING PLANET

‘Is she worth all this?’ You point at them lazily. ‘How much did this cost you, tonto?’ ‘You sound jealous,’ he says, smiling, trying to pass it off as a joke.

in every fucking friends to lovers situation, there comes that moment where my face goes to SpongeBob “you like krabby patties,” and you guys, we are here skskdfjskdjfks we’ve arrived only BOTH RAFA AND I ARE “YOU LIKE KRAAAABBY PATTIIIIEEEESSSS”

And you’re jealous of Sofia, too. You wish you weren’t but you are. It creeps up to you, the longer you stand here, it crawls up your trouser legs, into your ears along with her name. She caught his eyes, his heart. You got the brain and everything else, but she has a part of him that he never shared with you. Never tried to.

NO. NO. EVERYONE I AM– I LITERALLY– I CANNOT– I AM INCOHERENT FUCKING INCOHERENT, DO YOU UNDERSTAND??? MY CIRCUITS ARE FUCKINIIIIIIIINGNNSDKFJSLDJF SCRAMBLED BY THE DEEP LONGING, SORROW, RESENTMENT, HOW VISCERAL THIS IS, THE IMAGERY, I’M KISSING YOU ON BOTH CHEEKS LIKE I’M ITALIAN, I’M PUNCHING YOU IN THE THROAT, I’M THROWING THINGS, I’M THAT MEME OF ALL THOSE GAJILLION SPONGEBOBS RUNNING AROUND WITH ALL THE FILE CABINETS ON FIRE, I’M IN A BALL, IN THE FETAL POSITION, ON THE FLOOR, UGLY CRYING AND ASKING SOMEONE TO HELP ME SKSKKSKSK bc even though it’s not explicitly stated, the way this sooooooojust smacks of like….. like he’s always sort of been there, available sometimes too emotionally available sksksk bc it’s Rafa sksks mans is a mess. Mans probably needs a wife and a mom and a teacher and a housekeeper and a camp counselor all in one for a partner to feel emotionally secure in anyway sksk Reader is like 4/5 at this point and bc he’s always been there, no action is taken to ever change the dynamic of the relationship despite the clear allusions to Reader’s desire to maybe do so and allusions to Reader’s very wise and responsible choice of self-preservation over a passionate love affair with a coke-addled botanic genius man-baby who reports to an even larger man-baby only that one is uptight and duplicitous asf but now that the opportunity to change the dynamic is taken away, Reader is left just like, “fuck. missed my chance and like that’s probably more a good than a bad thing but fuck if I’m not still gonna feel butthurt about it”

That’s how he is. Passionate. He fixates, he works, he wins. Loves with a tunnel vision that you’ll never understand.

GODDDDDDLKSJDKF THE WAY YOU HAVE JUST THOUGHT THIS MF THROUGH, NAILED HIM DOWN TO A T, AND IT FUCKING SHOWS IN MOMENTS LIKE THIS. Also loving the tone of like……. Admiration? Of his steadfastness in all things? And simultaneous like lamenting that quality at the same time bc like sksksaklsdkfal we all know the shitshow that arises from Rafa just running shit into the ground with the force of a comet that only passes the Earth every 200 years or whateverlskdsk

‘She won’t care, Rafa. Eres guapo. Te ves rico.’ And that’s what they like, girls like her. That’s what matters. ‘You be good to her, okay? Treat her right. She’s not someone you should mess around.’

I can’t determine if the warning here is like, “Rafa don’t be a psycho, druggie piece of shit to this poor girl who has no idea what she’s getting herself into plot twist: she does and she’s worse than he is ksksksksk or if it’s liiiiiike, “please don’t do anything to bring the wrath of the government upon yourself by treating this politician’s daughter badly” sksksk or both??? Like if it’s the first one, idk why that warms me to Reader like makes me think “what a homie” bc I stan tf out of a character that can set their jealousy aside long enough to humanize the person who’s the object of their envy and also like fuck it, all men are garbage. All non-cis-men unite, gotta have each other’s backs sksksk and like if it’s the second one, I’m screamingskskdjksjfdks bc Rafa’s gonna do everything that is the antithesis of careful and is absolutely going to incur the wrath of the PRI, that’s literally the entire plot of the second half of S1 skskksksskks

How little it became about himself, or what he wanted. How close he’d stumbled to the edge without you waiting a step behind.

UGHHSHDHFLSJHDFLSKJDFKLAJ;SLKDJFA;LKJSDF;LAKJSD;FKLJ A;SLDKJF;ALSJD F;LAJSD F;LAJ WITHOUT YOU WAITING A STEP BEHIND, I’M FUCKING SKDFJSLKDJFLSK SICK TO MY STOMACH, SICK AND CRYING AND ROCKING BACK AND FORTH, SENDING OUT SOS SMOKE SIGNALS BC I DO NEED MENTAL HELP AS MUCH AS DEAR RAFA

You didn’t ask, he didn’t tell, so you lived through the whispers of him. Maybe it’s time, you thought, maybe he’s outgrown you at last. Maybe this is the part where you don’t play catch up.

Dopedopedopedopedopedopedopedopedopedopedope sosososososos just so fucking dope that you just continuously feel the need to pummel me in the fucking face, line by line, you were literally typing this being like, “how do I personally commit terrorisms across the Atlantic to my df, dear friend, Kay. Ohhhhhsdkfjsldkfjslkdj we’ll do this, just fucking torpedo of sadness after torpedo of sadness in the most poetic and touching way I can think of muhahahahhahahahah” don’t even try to deny it I already checked my secret cameras, and I have the receipts, transcripts, all on tape of you talking out loud, planning this brutal personal attack on me and like if I wasn’t presently undead, I’d be giving you a round of applause bc your plan worked perfectly

Snipped ties worse than you had, ones with actual weight. Purpose. Structure that couldn’t afford to be pulled from under him.

slides glasses down bridge of nose and smiles diabolically oh??????? Gorl????? Dramatic irony? is that you I see hiding behind that bush?????? waiting to ambush me as I mind my own fucking business as if I’ve ever minded my own business on my morning walk???? as if I’ve ever taken a morning walksksk it’s fine well, too bad bitch, cause I spotted your sneaky ass before you got the chance to ruin me lies, I’m still ruined bc the fact that Reader understands to some degree their importance to Rafa but at the same time discredit the structure they, themself(?) themselves(?) have been providing throughout their entire friendship but ranks that structure as having lesser value when it’s almost like … if they’d stuck around or been involved in the business directly, so they were more tied to him on a day-to-day basis, would their influence have maybe changed the outcome bc they did provide structure? Who can say. Im sure this makes absolutely negative amounts of sense but I just thought it was intriiiiiiguing

So now he was off the coke, too. Cold turkey and rotting from it.

GOOOOODDDDDDDD THE JUST FULLY JUGGERNAUT ME BETWEEN THE EYES AND KNOCK ME ON MY ASS WHY DONT YOU. LIKE I READ THIS SHIT AND IMMEDIATELY WANTED TO START WRITING MYSELF, SO INSPIRED SDSFSLKDFJLS SHIT SLAPT!!!!! and likiiiiiike we don’t need to get into it, I will just say from my hoodrat days, that is a ROUGH fucking comedownskksksksk

They’ve shut him in like a beast, oiled mahogany set firmly between them and him, him and you.

ASDLKJFA;LSDJF AOKAAYY AGAIN FUCKING JUST SLAMMING ME LEFT AND RIGHT, I’M LIKE NOT EVEN A WHOLE PERSON ANYMORE AT THIS POINT??????A?SD?FA?SD?FA “they’ve shut him in like a beast” like the whole lore of the Wolf Man could be altogether one giant allegory for detox because like low-key that’s what it looks and feels like. It is messy, it is violent, it is agonizing to endure and/or watch and something about the way you’ve put that with the imagery of what the room looks like, just gave me such fucking Wolf Man vibes, gave me actual fucking goosebumps te lo juro

It’s a den, a cage. Distress that’s been played out and abandoned afterwards.

AND WOLFMAN VIIIIIBES PERSIST ALONG WITH THE CONTINUED, CEASELESS, PERSISTENT DAMAGE THAT KEEP DEALING TO ME LIKE THE MOST VINDICTIVE DUNGEON MASTER LIKE DAMN, I’M AT NEGATIVE HIT POINTS, CAN’T KEEP FUCKING DOIN THIS SHIT DO YOU UNDERSTAANLDFJALKSDJFA;LKJSDF;ALK

…more of a wet room than the stylised bathroom it was designed to be. Like walking into the overused swamp of a public swimming pool.

Oh MAAAANANNNN this is such a fucking doozy of a description, like it’s so tangible, I’m fucking there, I’m there and my hair is frizzy and I’m annoyed and i’m also applauding the skill skskksksk

‘It’s me,’ you say, louder now. His head lifts weakly. ‘Sofia?’ No, not her, only you.

OH GOOD GOTDAAAAMNNNNFNSKLDFJS DUDE NO EVERYONE, EVERYONE SIT TF DOWN AND SHUT TF UP BC THIS IS LIKE????????? I DON’T???????? EVEN KNOW HOW ALSDKFJALSKDJF;ALJ OHOW TO ADEQUATELY EXPRESS THE WAY THIS MADE ME FEELL?????????????????????? Like …. There’s something like a declaration, the way Reader says, “no, not her, only you.” Like I depending on how you read it, it could be like sadness, lamentation, feelings of inadequacy which would totally make sense to me, but for some reason, the way I read it was like, “no, not her, only you” as in “yeah, me. The one who’s been here for you every time you’ve needed it, while the rest of the world was spinning, iwas the only one still and waiting, and now you’re here and so am i” and idk if that’s even the most accurate interpretation of that but GOOOODDAAAAAMMMMMMMMNNNNN WHEN I SAY I CLUTCHED MY CHEST AND KEELED OVER LIKE SOMEONE IN ONE OF THOSE LIFE ALERT COMMERCIALS

You don’t know enough about withdrawals to know if it’s normal. If he’s supposed to look like this, if it’s part of the process. You don’t know if it’s even the drugs at all, but you know him, and you know this is bad for him. Lights off in the fucking dark.

Okay first off, “lights off in the fucking dark,” :lebrontear: bc jfc the way I felt this straight to the core of my soul and secondly…… with how much cocaine Rafa was doing especially the coke in the 80s which was usually more pure, cut with less nonsense, so a lot stronger this is….p normal skdkskksksk

What if this is him now? What if this is what happened while you were away, and it’s set too deep to be undone?

What if this is me now … a disassmbled pile of bones, like I was one of those lego people and someone just pulled me apart and left me in tiny pieces on the floor just waiting for some unsuspecting adult to step on me, causing shooting pain into their foot like they’ve just stepped on actual shards of glass bc you apparently decided you just had to fucking disassemble? Idk what I did to make you hurt me so but I’m literally worse off than Rafa at this point so great, hope you’re happy

‘I miss you,’ he says, in the same way. Desperate, quick, like he’s only got a few words left to give. ‘You know that, right? I miss you, too.’

LITEREALLLLYYYYFSLDKFJA;LSDKJF;ALKSDJF;LAKJSDF;LAKJSD;FLKJA;SLDIJF ATHIS HAS TO FUCKING STOP, THIS IS BECOMING A FUCKING WAR CRIME AT THIS POINT, A VIOLATION OF THE UNITED NATIONS’ STANDARDS OF VIRTUAL ENGAGEMENT WITH FOREIGN COUNTRIES that sounds even less real than I thought it wouldsks

Pounding on your door and peppering the button until the bell can’t complete a full ring anymore. It just spits out one shrill note, over and over.

Okyaskfjalskdjfa;lskjd;flajsd; okayokayokay bc here’s that time where I whip out my detective notepad and tiny glasses and begin feverishly jotting down notes skskskks bc I’m internally I guess it’s not so internal given this is going on the inter webs for my -3 followers to see FUCKING SHRIEKING AT THE LITERARY GENIUS THAT I MUST SOMEHOW FIND A WAY TO ABSORB THROUGH OSMOSIS AND HARNESS FOR MYSELF TO LEVEL UP MY OWN SHIT SKSKSKSKSKKSKS and I’m gonna call this specific Skill You Have, “Naming and/or Describing Stuff That I’ve Seen/Heard A Million Times irl In the Most Unique and Poetic Way Possible” like the doorbell, if you asked me to sit down and fucking describe what that sounds like, I would literally just be

BUT HTENSKDFJSKDFJ THEN READ THIS, it’s one of those moments where I’m like “oh that’s so spot-on, how could I not summon those words, that’s so fucking clever”

Rushed to your door with an urgency you can’t grasp onto yet; it slips through your fingers, like him, like what you had. Scatters in the hallway like dropped ball-bearings. You can’t catch him like you used to.

throws chair violently like that one Jon Bernthal Punisher gif that’s it. I’m fucking done. I’m done????? Do you understand???? I’m done. I will not continue to SIT IDLY BY WHILE YOU CONTINUE TO ABUSE ME THIS WAY, ESTA NO ES LA FORMA DE TRATARA UNA CAMARADA, OKEYYYYYYYYY???

‘Have you actually stopped to think? I have a job, Rafa, a life. I’m not involved in your,’ your search for the word, the title of all his erratic decisions: adventures, war, ‘bullshit.’ Yeah, that fits.

Skskskkskskskks i have no idea why, maybe bc Reader has fucking HAD it and it’s so sarcastic and fucking over-this-shit, but I did start reading the end of this in Spanishsksksksk “Aventuras, guerra, ‘pendejadas.’ Aye, se queda bien”

‘Have you planned any part of this, or did you do too much coke and come here on a whim?’ you ask evenly. You’re not judging him, but you have to know. Fear or drugs. It’s one of the two. You stare at him afterwards, waiting for an answer.

FEAR OR DRUGSSDKFSLDKJFLSKJDF WHY DID THAT MAKE ME m CACKLE SO HARRDDD IT’S LIKE NOT THAT FUNNY BUT IT IS BC LIKE MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS “por que no los dos??”

‘Well, yeah. It’s all paid for, carnale.’ You scoff. ‘You only have to get on the plane.’

NASODFA;SDLKFJA;SKJDF NO I AMMMASDFKAL HAVING A FUCKING ANEURYSM LAUGHING SO HARD SKDFJSLDKFJ AT ATHIS ;DFJGUCKING SHIT. LIKE RAFA. RAFAAAAAA. AMORCITO, CHIQUITO. THE COST OF THE PLANE TICKETS AND THE OBSCENELY EXTRAVAGANT RESORT YOU’RE STAYING AT IS SO FAR FROM TEH FUCKING POINT I’M SHOCKED THAT YOU EVEN MADE IT TO THE HOUSE WITH A SHIRT ON BC CLEARLY YOUR MENTAL FACULTIES ARE SO BACK ASSWARDS BUT ALSO LIKE SKSJDKSJKSKA THIS IS COREECT LIKE HE WAS THIS ABSURD

‘She wants to come with me,’ he answers. ‘And I want you to come too, once it’s safe.’

Rafa trying to make his throuple dreams come true, only I’m pretty sure once Reader and Sofia arrive on the island, only one of them is leaving the island bc homicide has occurred bc they are so beyond opposites, they couldn’t last more than a week without one murdering the other sksksk

But what are you even agreeing to? What does he need you for, when he’d have Sofia with him already? Why would you go if he was going to— ‘You aren’t coming back, are you?’

CUE ME SKDJFLSJK WOAHDEEBY RIGHT ALONG WITH READER, LIKE OFC SKSKSKKS HE’S TRYING TO PACK ALL HIS FAVORITE TOYS IN HIS SUITCASE CAUSE HE RAELLY IS NEVER COMING BACK

One final time, you could show out for him just one final time, and then put it to bed. No more friendship, no more relying on you to pile up the bricks again. If he can’t come home afterwards, then you will, alone, and he’ll be free to take on the world. All by himself. Just as he wanted to.

Sorry sddlfja;sdkjf;a bc no, I just have to make this shit about me always, at all times, everywhere, this. shit. This reminds me so much of the Rafa/María thingy I did, like clean slate, getting to take on the world, except it’s fucked bc he’s not sober. Like yeah, my Rafa was cracked in the head bc he’d been cracked in the head a great many times sdkksjdfklsdj but your Rafa, this Rafa, is spun tf out on coke, desperate, and running for his life sldkfjsklj like the hope at the end of my story isn’t here, and it’s making my stomach AND MY CHEST HURT BC I KNOW THIS IS ALL GOING TO END IN A BALL OF FLAMES

A laugh you don’t like twitches out of him; he isn’t taking it seriously. He doesn’t realise how easy it is to fall yet, how close he is to the sun.

FUUUUCKKSJFDSLFKJSL describing his laugh as TWITCHING OUT OF HIM is like so on-point for a tweaker like Rafa, I can see it and it’s making me cringe and I’m also scribbling in my detective’s notepad and crying to myself, and swearing bc the tears keep smearing the ink and I keep having to scratch out the diligent notes I’m trying to take on the art of writing that you’re teaching me

He’s never been nobody anywhere. Even before all this shit.

SKDFJAL;SDKJF;ASDKJF;A NO BC JUST THE MOST POETIC FUCKING WAY TO SAY “HE’S A HAM AND A HALF”

‘And then I’ll come home,’ you add. He’s already talking like he’s forgotten, like he thinks you’ll follow him across the globe, one step behind as always.

GODDD he’s like willfully not hearing Reader bc he can’t conceive of the notion of like them not being there, or him getting caught, or both, is like the most heartbreaking thing and the way Reader has to gently remind him, “and then I’ll come home,” LIKE HES A LITTLE FUCKSINGSKDJFSKSJ KID

It would’ve made things worse for her, tagged her into the downfall alongside him, so it’s good that she avoided it. She stands a better chance of a future having done it.

Once again, the fact that Reader is like not blaming Sofia and like sees where she’s coming from is so fucking well-adjusted but also complicated and layered and I’m just really living for that dynamic even though I sincerelyfuckingdoubt Sofia would be so understanding if the tables were turned aksjfsk but that’s just bc she’s an literal actual child. Like 20 years old is still young-dumb-stupid, lbr

It was all anger. Hurt. Liquid regret pouring through the handset.

LIQUID REGRET POURING THROUGH THE HANDSETS;JAF;LSDJIF;ALSDJF;OFIJQWE;OFIJAOSDIJFA;SDKJFNA;OSDIJF;AOSIJDF; I HATE YOU, I HATE, HATE, HATE YOU. SO SKILLFUL, FLOWS BEAUTIFULLY. AND IT FUCKING R H Y M ES ????? BC YOU WEREN’T FLEXING ENOUGH ALREADY???? I’M PACING OKAY, I CAN’T BREATHE

It wasn’t the plan to come in like this was any other, normal reunion, like you’re seeing him after an impromptu vacation. The plan, was to be a friend to yourself, for once.

GODDDD;AKJ THE LITERAL FUCKING DREAD YOU HAVE BUILT INTO THIS BUT ALSO AT THE SAME TIME GOT ME FULL FUCKING CLIMBING TO THE TOP OF A STREET LAMP, LIKE AN OVERLY ENTHUSIASTIC SPORTS FAN, RIOTING AND TEARING DOWN MY OWN CITY, SWINGING MY FUCKING T-SHIRT AROUND, CHEERING READER ON BC “THE PLAN WAS TO BE A FRIEND TO YOURSELF FOR ONCE” IS LIKE THE FUCKIGNSODFIJSDLDFKJ MOVE LIKE GORL RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND NEVER LOOK BACK IN NO WAY AM I SEEING PARALLELS BETWEEN THIS AND MY RECENT DIVORCE AND SOBBING ON MY KEYBOARD, AND SHORT-CIRCUITING MY LAPTOP AS I READ THIS, NOOOOOPOPEEEEEE NOOOOOOT DOING IT

‘I’ve been going fucking crazy in here,’ he says, ‘not even Neto wants to talk to me.’ ‘Neto’s here too?’ You’ve met him before, of course. He isn’t a character you can forget easily.

SKLFSKSKSK now I know why you chose that gif. From “no salta el DIIIIISCO WEY!” to “es basura, he hates me” in 60 seconds. This also reminds me of that one scene in S2 when Miguel goes to visit Neta to ask for advice y’know as tho he didn’t complete blast Neto in the ass with a sandpaper dildo aka entirely responsible for him being there in the first place and Neta, in no uncertain terms tells him to get fucked but then also says something about how, if Miguel ever ends up in there, he’d let “estas pinshes marranas puercas como Rafa” cut him to pieces or something sdkjfsk

Honestly, you’d hoped you would at least have some glass between, you were counting on it, even. Something for his reaction to bounce off.

SWEEEEEET FUCKS THIS DIDN’T EVEN OCCUR TO ME IN THE SLIGHTEST BUT OFC YOU’D BE EXPECTING GLASS. IT’S IN ALL THE MOVIES, THE GLASS AND THE PHONE BUT NOW HE’S SO MUCH CLOSER, LIKE HAVING TO EXTRACT THEMSELF FROM HIM LIKE P H Y S I CALLY, EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY ASLDFJA;SLJFA;LSDJF;ALSJK FI ASTQA=WE0RUQ=EI I’M DONE. I’M FUCKING DONE. I CAN’T MAKE IT TO THE END

He’s been souring since he’d swapped you for Miguel, himself for the business. Been gone before you’d even realised. You’ve spent all this time trying to stitch him back together, keep the body whole, keep the motor running, and he was already a ghost. Gone through the fucking cracks. You were just too sentimental to see it, too loyal to the kid you’d met at the end of the street.

I’m like– liek?????? I don’t know what to say????? rn??? I’m like, like…. See I can’t even fucking worsdkfsjldfjslkdfjslkdfj ;sdasdflkajsdl;fkja;sldfkja;lsdfja;io sfhjpiquwoehf like I really can’t. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike I cannot actually asummon the cognitive power to a fasfeormea sslkdfj la;sjf rform a real actualfucking sentence bc like????? I think you broke my brain????? And all cognitive functioning has ceased entirely??? don’t even have the capacity to caps or key smash bc I’m like real-life shell shocked and catatonic, staring off into a void I will never know or understand and I’m pretty sure I will never write a single, solitary thing again bc what is the point when it’s already been said in these few lines

‘For who?’ he asks. ‘I need you in here, I’ll go crazy, I’ll—’ ‘For me, Rafa.’ That’s the point, the whole point, and still he doesn’t get it. ‘It’s better for me, and I have to do it.’ And he has to let you. He said he wouldn’t ask again, wouldn’t expect you to follow him everywhere he went. Just because he’s stuck in one place now, doest mean you have to be too. One of you deserves a win, right? You won’t serve time on his behalf.

HOOOOOOKAAAAY IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSKJEKLJKRLWEJSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMM,,,,,,,MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMHMMMMMMMHH you won’t serve time on his behalf. YOU WON’T SERVE TIME ON HIS BEHALF. 👏🏽YOU👏🏽WON’T👏🏽SERVE~~👏🏽GOTDAMN👏🏽TIME👏🏽ON👏🏽HIS👏🏽BEHALF👏🏽

You don’t, and if this is how he wants to be, then fine, conversation over. Cloth cut from the body at last …You’ve found your track, now it’s time to run it, right to the end. Just like he would.

ALRIGHT. COOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL. … I FEEL SO GOOD NOW ……………. YEAH FUCKING INCREDIBLE, TOP OF THE WORLD …………………… THAT DIDN’T HURT AT ALL ……………………………… SO EXCITED THAT YOU DID ALL THESE TERRORISMS TO ME ……………………………………………… NOT AT ALL FEELING

five and one

rafa x gn!reader, 7598 words, canon typical drug use, hurt/comfort/angst, no happy ending(!!!)

the five times you were his friend, and the one time you weren’t 

a/n: this has been in my docs waiting to be finished for sososo long omg finally the rafito despair is here. enjoy!

taglist: @ashlingiswriting​ @drabbles-mc​ @cositapreciosa​ @hausofmamadas​ @cherixrosa​ @purplesong1028​ @mandaloria314​ @dashavau​ @yeetintomadness @thesandbeneathmytoes​ (as per i have forgotten who wants tagging and who doesnt sorry!)

1

Rafa’s been asking you for weeks. Come smoke, carnale, come on. I have something to show you.

Soon, you told him. I’m busy with school, work, I have to pick my Abuela up from church—I’m the only one who can drive her, remember?

They weren’t made up excuses, even if he thought they might’ve been. You didn’t like it either, having no time for him, but it’s how it went. How it is. He dropped out of school, never made it to college. You did. It gives you different markers now, different structures to shape the friendship around. When you were classmates it was easy, natural: before class, in class, after class. Simple. There you were, there he was. Now, you have to pencil him in like any other obligation.

He isn’t an obligation. You try not to let him feel like one.

Keep reading

[simplydm]

hi hello dm the fic u showed me was amazing thank u sm. i am treasuring the interactions between joe cleo and michael. and i love how u wrote the moon big plot!! 10/10 amazing fic enjoyed it v much

i was incredibly sleep deprived for the first half tbi but i honeslty think it added to the expereince fhdks

🥺🥺 thank you so much! It’s been one of my favorites to write, and I’m really glad you liked it!

Also hey think about it this way- boatem was also sleep deprived during the moon stuff so you’re basically cosplaying a boatem citizen from the fic real not fake

[jeffchats]

Well, strokes are clots or blood vessel occlusions in the brain that can be deadly and utterly debilitating, so I think he absolutely was joking about them being strokes. I think he was just referring to mental lapses or brain issues from the tbi 🥺

I know people who’ve had strokes small and large. It really is debilitating and I hope it wasn’t a joke. They needed lots of rehab and unfortunately one person I know is paralyzed on one side. I don’t doubt that Jeff is going through various health issues he may not have disclosed but I just hope whatever he’s going through he is seeking the proper help for it.

[fandom-hoarder]

Beeeessssstttiiieeee!!!!!

Omg that tbi!sam fic rec got me in my feels

I'm thinking later seasons, maybe post chuck. Ok definitely post chuck.

But they're working an easy case and they're at someone's house interviewing them and Dean notices Sam's words are slurring a bit, he isn't making sense, then it just comes to a point Sam can't form any words.

Dean catches Sam just as he falls over, about to hit his head on the coffee table. The woman tells Dean she's already calling 911 and then Dean hears her.

"He's having a stroke."

Sam???

A stroke???

Not Sammy.

Not Sammy who wakes up before the sun rises and runs 5 miles everyday, who meditates, eats rabbit food, tells Dean to watch his cholesterol and makes sure they buy low sodium food options.

He tells the doctors this and tells him it happens sometimes, it's also more common if people in their family have had strokes/heart attacks.

He thinks of their dad, how when his deal was up and Azazel took him the doctors told Dean it was a heart attack brought on by the stress of the car accident and John's other health issues.

Sam wakes up from his heavily medicated state a few days later. Confused but instantly relaxes the moment he sees Dean.

His speech is a little slurred still and he feels somewhat numb, Dean just promises him it's gonna be ok and that the physical therapist already stopped by to talk to Dean.

"We're gonna get through this Sammy. Gonna have you up and walking in no time."

Omggg Dean thinking about John's death when Sam has a stroke? 😭😭😭🥰🥰🥰 MY HEART! I love thissss

God, just thinking about Sam losing some speech for a little bit, trying to talk to Dean with his eyes the way they do, but it doesn't work right. And it's so hard to not have his mobility-- it's not easy to get mobility aids for someone his size. So Dean picks up a lot of the slack, and it's sort of like when Sammy was little but it's also sort of romantic, but it also makes both of them so frustrated sometimes that they want to cry. Or scream.

Because he did everything right, and still this happened. And is Dean really going to nursemaid him through his whole recovery? What if he never recovers enough to hunt again? Or even help with research? How long will Dean keep smiling that painful smile at him before it's too much, and he leaves Sam for the road? 🥺🥺🥺

How long before Dean stops letting him make his own decisions? Before Dean realizes what a burden Sam is? 👀

[hyuckworld]

fia writing pure fluff??? 😍😍 wonder what they put in ur vaccine

also fia i apologize i’m reading this before i shower i’m a fish going in water

ALSO MF U LINKED OUR PROFILES INSTEAD OF TAGGING 💀💀

also the way i am READY bc weightlifting fairy absolutely shattered me and i still dk how u remember the names bc even as i watched it i was like . nam joohyuk ‼️ like i’m watching nevertheless rn and i don’t even call the mcs by their names i’m just like 💀 ayo song kang

okay wait jk the penthouse exists my argument is ruined ok moving on

ALSO THE DAD?? SO FOUL I LAUGHED SO HARD but also ik bok joo had a nice ass dad and all but r u ok ? r ur daddy issues intact after writing this ? u portrayed a healthy father daughter relationship is .. everything ok ..?

ALSO CHANGBIN AND MC ALREADY KNOW EACH OTHER?;!( idk how i didn’t draw that conclusion when she was reluctant to deliver the chicken i just thought she was salty she didn’t get accepted to the uni or smthn 💀 BUT HIM CALLING HER BIRDIE IS KINDA CUTE LIKE YEAH ITS BC SHE DELIVERS CHICKEN BUT AT LEAST HE DIDNT CALL HER DRUMSTICK OR SMTHN

also why is this all i can think of when mc talks ab how her dream is to swim

THE WAY MC IS SO CLEARLY DISTRESSED OVER THE SCOOTER AND CHANGBIN IS NOT LETTING IT GO LMFAOOOO 💀💀 HOW MANY JOKES IS THIS MAN GONNA MAKE ABOUT IT BEFORE HE GETS PUNCHED but 👉👈 the way he takes her home his love language is DEFINITELY acts of service and i am just a hole 🕳 a Hole for changbin CHANGBIN come here

also screw tumblr for the 10 image limit bc there r so many parts i wanna ss and gush over but i’m only in the beginning so 🙄 i know there’s more coming bc ur out 2 get me

IM SO MAD CHANGBIN IS SO HOT FOR TBIS SO HOT LIKE I WAS ALREADY LIKE 😞😞 bc of their back and forth AND the classic wrapping the arms around his waist a little tighter BUT !!! THE BICKERING PHEWWW HES SO SEXY AND HE KNOWS IT

omg mc finally OWNING the pool 🏊‍♀️ you go birdie 🐔 but !! FIA ur description and characterization in this one section alone like mc describing swimming as her true love is so painful bc she talks ab setbacks too and it’s like <//3 why can’t she just do what she wants sob but love u mc bc never heard u complain about those setbacks once except ab changbin being an ass but anyways

I KNOW ITS DEEPER THAN THAT SEO CHANGBIN ITS FAR DEEPER THAN THAT YOU COWARD

ur right fia i’m not even gonna hide this in the tags but that egg pun was so bad that i truly wish the worst for u like the step on a lego and pillow warm on both sides kind of worst

CHANGBIN CALLING HER CUTE NO O O OOOO IM LITERALLY T SO UPSET WHAT AND ?;!(& NOOO OOOO HIS REACTION AFTER I JUST KNOW HES SHY ON THE INSIDE I JUST KNOW HIS HEART SKIPPED A BEAT AND HIS EARS R RED

also .. teaching her to ride a bike fuck me that’s the cutest shit ever i’m gonna haunt ur currymunching ass for this BUT ALSO HOW DOES THIS MF KNOW HOW TO RIDE A SCOOTER AND NOT A BIKE BUT ALSO CHANGBIN MAKING THEM RIDE DOWN THE HILL IS GIVING ME ANXIETY HES LITERALLY EDGING ME BUT WITH ANXIETY WORST DATE EVER

ok jk he took off his shirt best date ever

this is so hot this is so hot this is so hot this is so hot changbin i’m just a hole changbin i’m not even a hole i’m just a bag of organs that’s all i am Please please please step on me i beg of u

OKAY BUT THEIR DEVELOPMENT JUST THRU THIS ONE DATE LIKE :((( when he started apologizing for how the day went i was like ??: f nooooo pls king i know u almost killed mc but ur sexy u have privilege ok 😕 BUT LIKE FR I MELTED WGEN HE STARTED APOLOGIZIMG AND THEN MC AFTER THAT??? TALKIGN AB HOW SHE ACTUALLY ENOPYED IT

LIKE THIS PART. THIS PART!!!! I CRIED LIKE SHE WENT FROM BEING LIKE 🙄🙄 CHANGBIN 🙄🙄🙄 TO 👉👈 wait changbin 🥺 AND IM 2?&;!/8;8/$;

the way i’m kicking my legs SCREAM WAIT IM LITERALLY JUST DROPOING THIS SCREEN HERE BC I CANT HANDLE THIS S THIS IS T THE CUTEST DIALGOJE EVER 😞😞😞😞 I WILL NEVER RECOVER FIA S

THAT KISS S CENE . z z z zzzz…… “i don’t give a fuck if he comes back sweetheart” OKAJ T TT 😄😃😀😀😄😄😄😄😁😁😁😄😁😁😁😁 KM T Y CHANGBINNNN😽😽😽😽😽😽😽 PLS E W

WAIT THEY ACTUALLY GOT CAUGHT 💀 bet he regretted that line what a mf

ALSO THE ENDING IM HONESTLY GLAD WE DONT SEE WHO WINS THE RACE BC LEAVING IT UP TO INTERPRETATION SOUNDS MORE INTERESTING but i will choose to believe mc won bc #girlboss #boyloser

BUT FIA THIS WAS SO SO GOOD WHEN WILL I GET A CRUMB OF UR TALENT 😞😞😞 IM STILL SO BROKEN OVER CHANGBIN LIKE I LOVE UR ENEMIES TO LOVERS BC ITS NOT ENEMIES TO LOVERS BUT ITS SO MF CLEAR THAT CHANGBIN LIKED HER SINCE THE BEGINNING AND JUST USED THE CHICKEN AS AN EXCUSE TO GET CLOSE TO HER AND SHE WARMED UP TO HIM SM WHEN SHE GAVE HIM A CHANCE :(( THEIR DEVELOPMENT !!! INSANE !! and the e way she was so uncomfortable at the thought of even MENTIONING swimming in front of him when he caught her and by the end she’s taking him up on that race I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THEIR DYNAMIC THEY WERE SO CUTE and in some fics the dynamic falls flat after they get together but mc and changbin still had it 💆‍♀️ BUT ANYWAYS FIA BEST WRITER BUT WBK and waiting 4 the day u tag me properly whore 🔪 also help i read this in one sitting time to go be a fish in water

a fish out of water | f ; c

“With Changbin you are a fish out of water, but a bird that can fly.”

collab oneshot | sports! au | kdrama! au | 18k words

s u m m a r y >> being a waitress at your dad’s chicken shop wasn’t the most ideal job, but with dreams of attending the haneol sports university, you power through — even if it means dealing with customers such as seo changbin, elite swimmer and irritant extraordinaire. however, when that very boy catches you swimming in the university pool, you have to comply to his wishes in order to avoid consequences — arguing, spending time, and see what’s truly beneath that cheeky, muscled exterior.

w a r n i n g s >> weightlifting fairy kim bokjoo! au, waitress! reader, swimming major student! changbin, you and changbin are friends but like yall still annoying, changbin is hot and he knows it, you’re sick of hearing it, alot of teasing and making fun of each other, sooooooo much fluff, literally too much fluff, slight sexual tension but its still fluff cause im fearing god today, 2racha cameo, i guess a tiny bit of angst??? pressing (x) to doubt tho, also very stupid egg puns which will make you want to exit this fic

p l a y l i s t >> what a heavenly way to die by troye sivan || can i call you tonight? by dayglow || mixtape : oh by stray kids

t a g l i s t >> @aliceu @kookings @hyuckworld @ioveseung

a u t h o r ‘ s  n o t e >> hey guys! so i finally finished the one fic i’ve been dying to write ever since i finished watching weightlifting fairy!! this is my contribution to @huenjin​ kdrama collab — i hope you guys enjoy changbin as jung junhyung!! this is dedicated to my dear kdrama whore @soobmint​ who has been telling me to watch this for a year and helped me so much with inspiration for this fic :’) here’s to many more crushing on unattainable kdrama boys with you <3

back to masterlist

“DAD, DON’T MAKE ME DELIVER THIS!”

Keep reading