#🕯️: orange solace

[the-orange-solace]

When I was a child, I watched an episode of Criminal Minds where a man had a split personality. A woman who killed other women who threatened the man she formed to protect. I remember her sitting in the dark on a couch, a cigarette in hand beside a lamp, as she spoke to an Agent about why she had to kill them, that it was to protect him. It was her entire purpose for existing.

As a child, I used to pace empty halls in the middle of the night and lay in bed, repeating in my mind that I would be the only being in my body. I will not break into multiple people. I will be in control. I have to be because, at the time, I believed I could break into those monstrous plurals you see on TV. The ones that killed their family after years of neglect, abuse, and wrongdoing. The ones you should be afraid of ever becoming, no matter who you are or your situation.

So I became terrified.

And yet, nearly every night, I'd look up at the sky or the ceiling and beg for something to change—to not be alone. I was stuck pretending I was a different character, a type of escapism that sometimes got out of hand, lost in an identity that wasn't my own. Looking up and imagining being taken away, every character I adored was by my side, caring for me in return. I had to keep going, be them, and exist in a world with them.

I'd made up stories, different realities, and places in my mind to escape to, as well as explanations for things my underdeveloped brain couldn't comprehend in the place I found myself within. I clung to concepts, characters, and situations that reflected my own, and soon, I no longer felt alone—not with all the escapism I conjured up, not with the different identities to help me face what was happening.

But I was in control. I was one being. No matter what. I had to be a single being because that was good. I had to be good.

I would never hurt anyone, and being many meant being bad. I couldn't be bad.

When I was a teenager, I started researching and getting involved in minority and disabled spaces. I loved being informed, the stories, the many perspectives, and the complexity of humanity. So it was no surprise when I shared a plural headcanon with a friend, and they felt safe coming out to me. They were many. They took my hand and guided me through a community I was fascinated with and wanted to aid and represent like so many others.

I spent years learning, staying silent as others spoke, just listening to everything I could. But then, one day, like so many others, I spoke through a different facet, a different identity I had created as a child. The many faces of me represented things I could not be, I could not hold, nor could I handle. I was struggling; some of me wanted to lash out. So she did. She lashed out.

As always, I was faced with kindness, listening ears, and aid that then pushed me more to the surface from drowning. But I never left; just another part of me was lost, right? Of course. People are complex. I deal with my emotions in a complex way. Of course.

My plurally disabled friend watched as I became more comfortable speaking through the identities I had, whether they were facets of myself or characters that helped me. Soon enough, the continuous "role-play" and "emotional processing" developed into normal conversation, a comfort, a relief.

They kindly approached me and asked if I was a system, too. They had never met anyone who spoke to themselves like I do, definitely not any singlets. None of our other friends did, in person or not, not even people in our families. It was just us.

The fear from my childhood arose. I couldn't be multiple; I couldn't be more than one. It was bad. But hadn't I learned about Plurality? All its ups and downs? Its complexities and nuances? I accepted it wholeheartedly; I learned and evolved from the demonized perception I was given as a child. So, why was it still bad?

Because I must be lying; I must be a fake, a poser. It was the only reason, wasn't it? I had seen so many conversations and arguments about fakes, those who wished to be special. Had I somehow become the harm they spoke of? How could I do this to a community I swore to listen to and fight for?

I obsessed over it, forcing the panic, dissociation, habit, and ease of speaking in multiple identities and beings of myself away. I buried it as deep as I could for the betterment of everyone else. The community didn't deserve such harm, and I wouldn't bring it to their doorstep if I claimed it to be something I'm not.

The loathing became so present it formed into tics that caused aches and disruptions in my life. Multiple stressors--along with an identity crisis--will do that to someone. So my shoulder and neck muscles ached from shrugging, flexing, and all the repetitive movements I couldn't stop without crying from the suppression. So I didn't. I let it disrupt and hurt.

Then, one day, someone, some random, unknown system to me out in the world, spoke about how it didn't matter what was real or not; it didn't hurt anyone. Plurality and the belief of it didn't hurt anyone. It hurt no one to discover themselves, to test the waters, to simply pry into yourself and learn. There was no shame in figuring yourself, or yourselves, out. There was no right or wrong, nothing to be ashamed of or fearful of. Just another part of living.

So I did. I poked and prodded. I gave my parts names, spoke to them in the middle of the night, asked questions, got to know them, and learned we couldn't talk through words at first but could emotions and sensations. I realized I couldn't find where my Plurality started or where it ended, that we—oh god, we—the idea was so surreal but...comforting—were so combined, living without specific individuality outside of me that there was no separation in sight. Not that I could figure out. For so long, I believed everything was just me. Only me.

But now it was someone else, too. These things that made no sense, these things that felt out of place or special, unique, and ever-changing could be someone else.

Someone else.

The more I reflected, learned, applied, and prodded, the more things made sense. Until one day, I looked at my friends, held my breath, and spoke. Stated that it like it was a sin for me of all people to say.

I was plural.

No one blinked an eye. No one questioned it outside of boundaries and clarification. It wasn't surprising that their childhood friend was many. How surprising could it be when they used so many different names for different parts of themselves to express hard things?

It was astonishing.

And here we are, years and years later, grown and still learning, living, fighting, but more in touch with ourselves than ever before with so many more sys friends and aquatints. More experiences, a better understanding.

It's not shameful to learn, apply, and reflect. You take nothing from anyone but your time and open-minded exploration of the world and yourself(ves). There is no evil in being human, living life, phase or not. There is nothing wrong with you, any of you, for existing or living. You just are. I embrace you, I embrace us, and I embrace everything that comes with a life of many.

So, if you're struggling, just know you're not alone outside the body. We know, and so do many others. It's going to be okay; you'll find yourself in time. Don't rush it. There will always be time.

[the-orange-solace]

Most of us don't mind because it's not us in this system they're looking up but our source self, our memories. It's free domain and we've easily accepted that. However, looking us up as individuals in our new particular existence in this system does. It's an invasion of privacy more than simply what was made for the public.

Poll suggestion:

For fictives, do you ever get uncomfortable when someone says they looked you up to learn more about you?

Yes

No

Depends on the person/nuance choice

[fictive-culture]

Fictive culture is getting jump-scared by the body every time you look in the mirror

I do not look like that!!! Who is that?????

-🕯️: @the-orange-solace

.

[the-orange-solace]

"Plurality is a dangerous risk for us and others" can and does coexist along with "Plurality helps and brings us and others joy"

It is a spectrum. Do not purify nor demonize an experience. It simply exists.

[the-orange-solace]

Somethiing that allows us to heal as a system is writing interactions that happen in headspace or place into words what we're doing as individual people and how that affects others

It's similar to a diary, which we also have, but more narrative

Here's an example from one of our recent entries that embody the two types pretty well:

“You haven’t eaten. The body is fatigued.”  Silence.  “Bakugo threatens to force feed you,” Shadow continues, arms crossed naturally upon his chest, the white puffs of his fur hugging the limbs, thick and fluffy for the winter.  Atreus senses remnants of adoration and affection from afar regarding the change in look. They smile softly at another’s emotions as their own spike of anxiety burns the back of the reincarnate’s throat. “There isn’t anything he can make right now.”  “There is plenty,” Shadow reasons, images of ramen, eggs and seasonings appearing in their mind's eye. 

Guilt washes over Atreus, their eyes boring holes into the circular wooden table before them, Shadow watching them intently as images flicker of well cooked meals, soups and rice before they promptly disappear. Shadow says nothing about the quick closing of their imagery-based communication, an action much too common much to everyone’s chagrin when interacting with their Warden about anything regarding themselves.  Though, it frankly makes reading them easier at times. It was all pattern and recognition, the endless repeating tells. The lack of their bird-like features, hidden away so no one could gaze at their uncared for state, their lack of eye contact and words easily testaments to bubbling shame, guilt, and fear, tense body ridged from unease, frustration and stress.  It wasn’t new, unfortunately. But the light banter and response meant it wasn’t as bad as it could be. Such times usually meant that no one could reach them, find them. Headspace and their abilities intertwined more tightly than Atreus would ever admit outloud, shielding everyone from them while continuing to bare everyone else's' existences.  They didn’t seem to know it consciously either, only adding to the struggles to reach the avian, though never entirely fruitless. Atreus was quick to ease others, even if it meant taking care of themselves to pleasing someone else, to place less of themselves on others shoulders. 

Usually, placing interactions, events, feelings, and our thoughts into words like this (if not poetry for some of us) helps build stronger connections with each other and understand one another much more intimately

A lot gets lost in our brain, but when it's solidified into something like this, it is much less likely to escape our memory or be brushed off

Perhaps this can help someone else or another system?

[the-orange-solace]

No suppressing others emotions, thoughts, and actions within safe places.

We support all headmates within our system to the best of our abilities.

We collectively suck with avoiding triggers but this doesn't mean we can't respect each others and do our best to help each other and ourselves.

Don't reclaim slurs or interact with closed spaces that the body cannot. Open spaces are fine and should be transversed carefully with the body in mind ALWAYS. Shit is NOT like it was in source.

Not allowed to harm the body physically* (*the act of drawing any sort of blood or use of sharp objects or weapons)

Eat what you're able to while fronting.

Try and befriend and respect our close friends.

You're free to create your own blog to post things we collectively don't want to handle or be associated with. (with limitations)

We're all mentally ill, within our close friend spaces is how you can vent and express this fully. Online is never and won't ever be the place for that. We're private here.

#One-Hundred-Eight

[pt: #One-Hundred-Eight]

Beneath is a long screenshot (with transscript) asking about rules within Systems, as well as a Google Forms link for people to submit their answers anonymously! You can of course also post your answers publicly, but considering the topic at hand - an anonymous option seems fitting.

Talking about System rules can be a personal subject, so only share what you feel comfortable sharing! Responses will only be posted if you want them to be posted.

Please make sure to read the screenshot (or it's transscript provided by @plain-text-provider) before answering!

Have fun and stay safe!

You can click here to be send to the google forms document once you are ready!

Responses will be posted soon!

[Transscript:

i'm not sure how to go about asking this but what types of system rules do people use? currently setting up a list of rules or guidelines and i've heard about it being a good idea but i can't find many examples.

of course i'm not going to completely copy someone else's rules since what one system needs is different than what another system needs, but some inspiration or ideas or something would be nice to have, in the same way that a discord mod might view other rule lists as inspiration for thinking about what their own community needs.

this might be good to get anonymous answers in which case a small survey-type thing could be used, since some people (including us) might have members and symptoms that are "problematic" in some way and don't want to publicly reveal something for fear of being judged? (for example we have a rule about not saying offensive things, such as slurs, unless in a safe enviroment, because saying an offensive stim/tic/whatever we have when alone where nobody can hear is more realistic than not saying it ever. but if we said this in public reply people would probably cancel us for having our coprolalia-adjacent symptoms, just as an example.)

idk i'm just wondering what types of rules people use for their system rules/guidelines, because not all plurals have these, but some do, and some of the more dysfunctional ones like ours would like to have rules. We would like to see either some public answers or anonymous answers with examples as we structure things better and i think there are many other plurals who would benefit from seeing examples.

/end of the transscript]

[the-orange-solace]

System things that no one seems to talk about in depth is the pain you feel from your headmates. That anguish you can't release because it isn't your own. The body can't cry because they're not close enough to front, but you can hear the sobbing internally, the feeling of phantom tears. Your attention is so split between someone else's pain and what you're supposed to be focusing on you can't think properly.

I love being a system, but I despise feeling someone's pain and doing nothing to be able to ease it.

[the-orange-solace]

Hi! Tiny question (my friend might've asked you already, I'm sorry), but is it possible to have a kinned character be a headmate?

There's a voice up here, and it's not the usual one. Can't tell who it is by the voice, unfortunately, but... Yeah. Asking if it's possible for a kin to become/be a headmate, since I have suspicions that's what just happened.

Thanks for answering, and sorry if I bothered you guys.

~ 🌱 ~

[IMAGE ID: An ask from the neonlight-vaporwave-sys that reads as follows: Pspspsps beloved, I got a question from a friend and I felt I could get your opinion on it; Is it physically possible to kin a character so hard that they become an alter. {Because someone keeps screeching inside of my head and that is NOT the normal voice that's up there} /END ID]

First of all, asks never bother us! Wether it's friendly interaction, a question, concern, thought, or opinion! In our pinned post we stated asks are welcome, this includes yours and anyone else's who wishes to send one in! Never allow shame, fear, or anxiety keep you away from interacting with us, we're more than happy to help you out and hold conversations!

Secondly, our gut reaction leans us towards an experience in which a headmate's kintype bleeds or transforms into another headmate. It also reminds us of interlaced and bleedover experiences.

However, it might not be directly linked to forming because of a kin. We have experiences in which we believe to understand a character deeply enough to kin them or see ourselves as them. Though, for us that is mostly because we are forming that individual from the character passing all or a combination of our formation needs. Such as emotional bonds, understanding, adoration, shared experiences, and familiarity.

I don't know what's going on inside your head. It may not even be a headmate, fully formed, fragment, or flicker! It could be natural internal voice changes or something else entirely! What matters is that you look into it yourself, reach out to people, and learn for yourself what feels right and makes you happy.

There is no right or wrong answer. Just the chance to learn and understand you or yourselves better.

[the-orange-solace]

No, I don't understand how you are willing to lay down simply because things did not go your way. You will bend and you will break. You will be devoured whole and yet you will still live on. You are the one who creates and destroys. Why do you choose to harm yourself. Does it make you feel better? Does it make you feel stronger? To punish yourself for existing like others do? You are part of this world like the rest of us. There is no darkness or light to succumb to. There is just us and the evening tides. The wind and the way the world continues to spin. You are what decides everything in this world just as much as the rest of us. We overlap and interlace but that does not take away your choice. A choice is still yours. It has ALWAYS been yours.

[the-orange-solace]

There is a difference between giving up and allowing yourself to break. There is a difference in laying down in a fight and stepping away so you can fight against it better. There is a difference between feeding into the sickness and feeding the healing. There is a difference and you'll find it. You will.