#⤿ ft. ╱ giovanni gagliardi

[impervicus]

closed starter ft. giovanni gagliardi / @secondhnd​​

she knew it wasn’t technically a band rehearsal day but bowie felt like she hadn’t seen gio much lately so she had to go visit him. he was fine, bowie knew he was fine because if she wasn’t, she would have found out pretty quickly. but outside of the band, she felt really close to her fellow bandmates. so in their best interest, she always wanted to make sure they were okay. it’s what a good lead singer and creator of the band would do right? 

she knocked on the door, waiting for gio to answer. she was fairly certain he was home, but maybe he had gone out elsewhere. she tended to forget to actually text people before showing up to their places, maybe it was because she thought she had everyone’s schedules memorized, or that she thought she really knew them enough to predict when they would or wouldn’t be home. guess they’d find out, right?

[impervicus]

oliver was glad that gio got better, so glad that he was much better than the last time they saw each other. but what they didn’t like was the way that gio essentially cut off all contact with him. even at their worst moments, oliver knew he would have never done the same thing to him. he understood that what he did on that night with the pills wasn’t great, but it was clearly the push the other needed to get clean. but of course, they’d never get to know that for sure because gio left them without a second thought. 

“i thought you were coming back! why would i think you were leaving for good? even at your worst, i still thought the man i fell in love with would have given me the decency to let me know he was leaving.” he said, his voice a mixture of bitterness and hurt. oliver wasn’t even sure the emotion they were feeling in the moment, it felt like they were feeling every negative emotion all at the same time. “i didn’t know if you were dead or alive for days, oliver. i didn’t know if you were dead in some ditch somewhere, don’t you get that?” and that’s when his relapse started. it was a high pressure situation and it was clear that oliver couldn’t handle high stress as well as he thought. 

gio said that he loved him and he wanted to believe him, if oliver was weaker he may have just believed him instantly. but then they remembered the days and weeks that followed their breakup and those emotions all came back at once. it was true that oliver still loved gio, because he didn’t think he could ever stop loving him. but without the drugs and adrenaline rushes, was their love ever real or were they holding on to something they both created in a drug induced stupor? “you didn’t know what to do? i was there for you gio! i was willing to marry you, when i was going to be asked for better or for worse i would have said yes in a heartbeat. but could you have done the same? things got worse and you ran! did you ever even love me or did you just love the idea you created of me when we were on four day bender?!” 

Had fixing himself been the plan? Yeah and he thought that he had achieved that much. And he would have called Oliver. He would have, but the other had called him first - called him high. At that point, Gio had been too new in his recovery to deal with it. He didn't know what he was supposed to do about anything! Oliver couldn't fault him for that. There were a lot of other things he could fault him for, but that? Gio thought that he had an excuse for.

"Did you want me to leave a note? I didn't have time! You knew I was leaving! You watched me leave!" It didn't mean that they thought Gio would be leaving for good. It didn't mean they would have thought that he was walking out on the whole relationship. And it was what he had done. He had run and he'd run far. The fact that their paths had collided was nothing but a coincidence, brought upon by... well, he had no idea what brought it up. If there was a higher power out there, they were laughing at Gio right now.

The way Oliver was questioning if he'd ever loved him got under Gio's skin. He wasn't angry. He was hurt. How had he not proven that when they were together? It wasn't - it might have seemed like he had thrown everything that they had away, but he needed to make a change. It took him a couple days to realize that and maybe it was too little, too late. There was no way he was going to be able to change that. "I did! I do love you, Ollie, but I needed to clear my head. I needed... I left and I got really high for a few days. I did. And I - I didn't feel good! I didn't! I thought it was what I wanted, but what I wanted was you and you wanted me to be clean. So... I was going to get clean. I didn't think you'd take me back when I wasn't and then you relapsed and I.... I didn't know what to do!" And that said nothing of the guilt that Gio felt over the situation.

[impervicus]

they were holding a grudge, maybe even being a bit petty or stubborn about it. but oliver felt like it was justified to say the least. all they ever wanted to do was live a sober life with gio and they were never able to get that. instead what he ended up getting was bombarded months later at an NA meeting in a town that oliver was trying to have a fresh start in. and the worst part about it, was that one look at the other was nearly enough to make them weak in the knees. it would have been so easy to forgive and forget, but was that really the best option int hat moment?

“intent behind it doesn’t matter giovanni! it doesn’t matter how you intended it the facts are that you left me there. i didn’t even get to say goodbye, i didn’t even know where you were! you left me high and dry.” he said, his voice breaking up just a bit but oliver was quick to clear his throat. because that was not how this was going to happen. they had cried enough over gio, oliver could be strong about this. he would be strong about this. 

they were finally picking up the pieces that gio had left shattered back in their apartment in chicago. oliver wasn’t ready to reopen those wounds, not now and maybe not ever. they were glad that the other was in a good place, but was it good enough to risk months of work that oliver had put in for his road to getting clean? “did you ever love me, giovanni? or did you just love what i represented at that time? someone who loves their fiance doesn’t leave them like that. i was so in love with you, i love you so much and you just..” he trailed off, shaking his head as he quickly blinked his eyes to ward off any tears that threatened to fall. “you just left, like our years together meant nothing to you.” 

There were two sides to every story, but the story Gio had to tell wasn't one that he wanted to. Wasn't that a factor? It certainly felt like one. The real story painted him as a villain. Maybe that was the truth of the matter. He was the bad guy, but Gio had his reasons. However poorly thought out they were, they'd seemed imperative at that moment in time. Now that he thought about them. there wasn't a bit of that which seemed to matter.

His hand went up to absently scratch at the back of his neck. "I was angry. I acted in anger. I wasn't thinking. It wasn't like I did it to hurt you. I did it because... because I didn't know what else to do!" Gio didn't want to replay the argument in his head. There were many things that he said that he regretted. The primary one was the fact that he'd told Oliver that he couldn't stay. He could have; he should have. In that moment, it had felt impossible to stay. Now, it felt impossible to go. He would stand here all day, on the street and hashing things out with Oliver, if he could.

He hadn't tried. He had been so full of anger that he couldn't think of anything else other than getting out of there. Running - that was what Giovanni was good at. When he was younger, he had traveled all the time. He could blame that, if he wanted to. The truth was instead that he had been angry about the pills and it clouded his judgement. Their history, their relationship - none of it had been on his mind. "I - look. You don't think I regret what happened? I do! But I couldn't leave then just... walk back in on your life like it was nothing! I know I messed up! I just want to fix it!" Was it too late? It couldn't be, not with Oliver's words. "So you... you can't say it because it's not true. You... you love me still. You love me as much as I love you."

[impervicus]

maybe the way that they spoke to gio wasn’t fair, but what was oliver supposed to think? they never even got to talk about what happened, the man he loved more than anything in the world just up and left one night. no last words, no trying to reason with them no. his bags were packed and he was out of the door in record time. and then that just left oliver on his own again to pick up the pieces. and he didn’t know what to do when he was alone, he didn’t know how to be alone. so he coped the way he did when his mom died, he went back to using. that wasn’t gio’s fault, he’d never put that on him. but oliver just wished he would have stayed, or even come back. all they ever wanted to do was help him get better, but maybe that was too hard to the other. maybe oliver was doomed to pick up the pieces of the people who have left him behind 

“it isn’t what happened, giovanni? how do you... what do you think happened that night?” whatever it was like for the other, oliver was sure it was drastically different than how they remembered it personally. they liked to think their perspective was pretty spot on, since it was something that replayed over and over in his head whether he liked it or not. “because the way that i remember it, was that i begged you not to leave. i begged you to talk things through with me, to hear my side of the story. to get help! i asked for all of those things but you didn’t want to hear me. you packed your bags and ‘left.’” he put the last part in air quotes, scoffing ever so slightly. 

he wasn’t looking at gio, he didn’t think he could handle doing it. one look at him would have oliver folding and they wanted to be strong about this. they needed to let him know what life was like after he moved out that night. after he just stopped answering his phone calls, how oliver nearly lost everything in just one night. “you didn’t even try, you don’t know that! you didn’t try, you just left and gave up on me. on us. we could have really been something.” he said, finally looking at gio, but his next comment made his stomach drop. because they couldn’t say that, because it wasn’t true. oliver still loved the other, despite their best efforts. but did they want to give him that answer? would it even make anything better? “i can’t do this with you, vanni. i can’t.... i won’t. no.” 

Yeah. Yeah. It was a fair assessment. Gio, he - he hadn't even said goodbye. He'd been so full of anger when he'd jammed his things into a duffel bag. There had been a lot of thing he left behind. He just had to get out of there. And for the longest time, he had blamed Oliver fully for it, telling himself that if the other had talked to him instead of simply flushing all of his pills it would have been different. One of the realizations he'd come to lately was that it wouldn't have been different. He would have done the same thing. He wasn't ready - and he wasn't sure if that meant that he wasn't ready to get clean or if he wasn't ready to be with Oliver. to have someone love him like that. Even today, he didn't want the answer to that question.

"You could - there are less harsh words you could have used." He purposefully didn't deny it because he didn't want to lie. They're past that. The only thing he had to offer at the moment was his honesty, so he'd cling to it like a life preserver. "Left. You could have said that. Or - or you could say that I walked out. Don't say that I abandoned you. It isn't..." Isn't what he wants to hear, but it's true enough. Maybe the truth in it was the driving factor in why he didn't want to hear the word.

He shut his eyes for a moment to compose himself. It felt like he was going to pop up with an excuse. He wanted to. It was easier than telling the truth. "For a few day after I left, I... I mean, I didn't plan on getting clean. I just went around and I just..." Would saying he went on a bender be an accurate description of the events? He thought so. Gio shook his head. "Then I decided... I don't know. That I didn't want that? But I already left! I already screwed it up! What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to just go back and be like 'No, I changed my mind!'. You wouldn't have forgiven me." He said it like it was true, but he couldn't guarantee it. "I can leave if you want. Just... if you don't love me, say it and I'll leave. Say you don't love me."

[impervicus]

six months ago, oliver wasn't sure they would have had the same restraint that they did in this moment. they would have so quickly ran back into gio's arms, they would have heard the other out. but oliver wasn't the same person he was those months ago, he was in recovery for real this time. he was finally doing better, he was in a place where he always wanted to be. they just wished that could have been with gio, it's how they always imagined this would go. but things change, maybe even people do. could he let himself get drawn back into this again? they weren't sure.

he could hear gio say something vaguely similar to missing him, but oliver didn't want to believe that. because if the other truly missed them, then they would have reached out sooner. he wouldn't have ignored oliver's calls for weeks, months even! his desperate pleas for him on their very last night together. hell, they wouldn't even be in this situation to begin with if that was true. even if he so badly wanted to hear him out, he wasn;'t sure if he was ready for that. would he ever be ready for that?

they sighed when gio followed them outside, trying their best to keep some distance between the two of them. it hurt too bad, seeing him there. seeing the man that gio knew he could be all along but knowing he never did it when he begged him to. he was glad that gio was healthy! that gio was finally clean, oliver just wished they could have done it together instead. but his hand was on his arm and he couldn't pull himself away, but it didn't mean he'd have to look at him. "you abandoned me." he said again, his voice breaking slightly. "you left me giovanni don't you get that? why couldn't you do that for me when i begged you to? why didn't.... why wasn't i enough for you in that moment?" he asked, eyes still turned away from him.

No. There was no fanfare, no conversation. There was simply full denial. Oliver had never shut him down like that. Gio had shut them down like that, the night that he had left. But Oliver? He had never pulled anything like that on Gio. The worst part was that he deserved it. Hell, Gio deserved worse. He deserved all of Oliver's rage, all of their hurt. He deserved worse.

Abandoned felt like such a harsh word, but it was the proper one, wasn't it? There wasn't one that fit the situation better. It hadn't felt like abandonment. Gio felt cornered, like he had to get out of the situation before he boiled over and made it somehow worse. There wasn't worse he could have done, he was realizing. "I do miss you," he called after Oliver. There was the urge to just let them go. Maybe it was Oliver's turn to run away. It would be the easy way out and wasn't that Gio's MO - take the easy way out? It had been up until now. He was supposed to be bettering himself.

Cursing under his breath, he followed the other until they were outside the building. The streets of Denver were always packed, maybe not as much as they had been in Chicago, but enough that this might not stick out like a sore thumb. He reached out, letting his fingers ghost against Oliver's pulse point. "You know I did it for you. I did."

[impervicus]

ever since he came back into denver after many years of being gone, oliver finally felt like he was starting to turn over a new leaf. he had reunited with his sister, got to meet her kids who called him uncle and he got the chance to start over. he was three months clean and the things that happened back in chicago were a distant memory. most of the time, anyways. there were definitely some days that were easier than the others but that was part of the process right? and going to narcotics anonymous seemed to help too. even better was he finally felt confident enough to actually go up and talk, which he hadn’t done before. but he was in a good place. he didn’t feel spiteful any longer, oliver was good. 

once he was up to speak, he looked at the small circle of them. and as he did, he caught a glimpse of gio and he quickly had to blink his eyes and look away. he was going crazy, right? there’s no way that gio was there in front of him. how would he even be here? there was no way! but he was up there now and he had to speak. “hi, my name is oliver and i’man addict.” he started off, clearing his throat a bit and looked away from gio and down towards the ground instead. “i’ve been using since i was 19 or 20 up until 3 months ago. i had tried getting sober before, and i was sober 6 months ago. my fiance, at the time, was also in active addiction and he refused to get clean. i poured his pills down the drain and he left that same night. that was also the same night i relapsed.” he said, his voice wavering ever so slightly. “it took me a while but i realized i didn’t like myself very much, not when i was like that. so i got sober and moved back home, though i haven’t been here since i was a child. this whole thing is kind of hard, you know? but it’s not all bad. some days are easier than others, but at the end of the day... i’m glad to be here, and present.” he said before ending abruptly and walking back to his seat. he probably could have had much better things to say but seeing what may have been gio threw him off. 

the meeting couldn’t end sooner, it felt like it went on forever after that. but finally, it ended and oliver was quick to stand up. he tried his best to make a beeline for the door but when he tried to walk by, he felt a hand on his arm and. voice that was all too familiar. he quickly shook his head, pulling his arm away from him. “you don’t get to call me that. it’s oliver.” he replied, glaring half hearted at the other. 

@impervicus // Oliver

To say that Gio was a fan of Narcotics Anonymous would be an exaggeration. It would be a lie, even. He didn't want to be there, yet he was. Every morning, 9 am. Rather, he was supposed to be there at 9 am, but he'd slept through his usual meeting time - leading to him at the 12 pm meeting for the first time. There were far less older people, which he kind of liked. When he was with the older people, most of them had been clean for far longer than he had. Six months felt like nothing to them. To him, it was his longest stretch of sobriety. It was a big deal if you asked him. Nobody did, mind you, and he didn't volunteer a whole lot of information to anyone outside of his sponsor, the person who'd texted him about the noon meeting when he'd failed to show up for the 9 am one.

He sat in the uncomfortable, metal fold out chairs and listened to people drone on about their own addictions. He didn't listen, not because it was triggering - though that would have been a good excuse. He didn't listen because he didn't see the point in it. Hearing other people's stories didn't affect him. Usually didn't affect him anyway, until he heard a voice to familiar to mistake for anyone else's ring out. His eyes immediately darted up and he watched the person speak. Oliver. The other looked good, said he had three months and that was when Gio zoned out. He couldn't help it; he would always blame himself for Oliver's relapse. If he'd gotten clean a week earlier, things would be different. He knew that, knew it all too well.

The rest of the session was spent with him not paying attention to anything being said. When they were dismissed, he poured himself a cup of coffee. The table that held the coffee and some cookies was close to the exit. To get out, Oliver would have to move past him. Logically, he should be getting ready for his lessons for the day. Logic didn't matter right now. When the other tried to walk past - whether he'd seen him standing there or not was a question he wasn't sure that he wanted the answer to - Gio reached out to grab his arm gently. "Ollie," was the only thing he managed.

[impervicus]

gio left him, abandoned him! he wasn’t allowed to call them that, to look at him with those eyes. no, no. this isn’t what was supposed to happen, he came to denver to get better. this was decidedly not going to be better for them, if anything this could make things a whole lot worse instead. they were clean, gio apparently was too. clearly oliver wasn’t good enough to get clean for in the first place, despite his begging for the other to at least try to go to a meeting. it was clear that gio may not have even needed them in the first place. 

talking about turning gio away and actually turning him away were two very different things. his heart ached for the other, for this version of the man he wished he could have had 6 months ago. he looked good, he looked clean. clearly he was if he was in this meeting. that was more than oliver could get out of him over the year and a half of dating him. not even just dating, but being engaged to him. they even still had the ring, not being able to get rid of it. it was on a chain around their neck as they spoke. it was their way of keeping a part of gio with him, even if they weren’t together. 

“no.” they said, their voice breaking up, he hated how it made them sound. gio wasn’t reacting like this, so why were they? was it just unresolved shit that oliver refused to deal with? or never properly dealt with, because they did cope with it in their own way. “no.” he said again, moving back away from him. “you don’t.. you don’t get to say that to me. you don’t get to say that you missed me after abandoning me, giovanni. you know that right? you abandoned me, when i needed you the most. you don’t get to come up to me, say that you miss me. you don’t get to do that.” they shook their head, immediately brushing past gio to leave the building. he could feel eyes on them and that was the last thing they wanted. who wants to cause a scene in the NA meeting? 

The way he pulled his arm back caught Gio off guard. Maybe he should have been expecting it. No, he definitely should have been. Logic didn't prepare you for situations like this. What he knew and what he felt didn't coincide. His heart was racing and he was... excited wasn't the right word. Relieved? Was he relieved to see that Oiver was here? It was closer to the truth. He hadn't known how the other had been doing. A cursory glance at his social media - from a burner account because he'd been blocked following his departure - didn't tell him if Oliver was clean or not, if he was doing alright.

This did, his speech saying that he was. He was fine, in spite of Gio. He had three months which meant there were three months unaccounted for. Three months where things had been... had been worse? He wanted to reach out and take his hand. He wanted to squeeze it, apologize for everything that he'd done. He wanted to tell Oliver that it really was his push that had made Gio get clean in the first place, that he wanted a month clean and then he was going to call him. He wanted to do a lot of things. Instead, he stood there with his mouth twisted up strangely.

"Ollie..." he repeated, even though it had been made clear that he wasn't allowed to do so. "I... we..." Words were harder to string together than he thought they would be. "What are you doing here?" He grew up here. He probably thought he had more reason to be in Denver than Gio did. "I'm - I mean, my family's here. Vince, Marco and Bianca." Gio had talked about his siblings when they were together. He'd promised Oliver he would get to meet them. That moment never came. "They've all got their own businesses, their lives together. I'm staying with Vince and his kids." Not that Oliver was supposed to care about any of this. He shifted on his feet. "I missed you. I still miss you. Every day."