#✩✩✩ // verse: twitter: how goddamn happy i am

[lovegambled]

“Hey, stop with the puppy eyes! I won fair and square.” but from alina u feel

nikolai pouted, resting the microphone under his chin as he, despite his orders, continued giving alina the puppy dog eyes. it was effortless, really, with his big blue eyes and soft pink lips, to contort his face into a very convincing whiny expression. and, NATURALLY, being drunk helped.

underwear karaoke was, as always, an adventure, but alina’s idea to turn it into a talent show with an ACTUAL PRIZE had just made it all the more competitive, and nikolai was in it to win. with the chance to choose the theme for the club’s next party night on the line, there was simply no holding back. but, of course, his girlfriend had had the same idea, and now here they were.

“it’s not FAIR,“ he whined, “you charmed the judges.“

[dathen]

TMA 165 Liveblog Dump

Jon being like "oh I used to be so bad about poetry, but I'm better now!! I don't think all poetry is bad anymore!!" Martin:  what changed? Jon:  <_<;;;; uhhhh idk I See Through You Mr. Sims I got so consumed by Hot Jon and Carousel Jon content afterwards I forgot to post this fdfhfhhf

this is 99% merry-go-round cuteness overload meltdown that resulted in my liveblog twitter being locked for posting too fast enjoy

revolutions was a MERRY GO ROUND none of our predictions guessed that

“we need to go through them...metaphorically. we need to...experience them” well that sounds alarmingly similar to the scars

jon: have you been on a merry-go-round recently? me:  JON?? LIKES MERRY-GO-ROUNDS?????? martin: no, why? me:  JON MERRY-GO-ROUDN????? jon:  I actually, ah, there's one at london zoo-- ME: *FLIPS A TABLE* JON!! LIKES!! MERRY-GO-ROUNDS!!!

*tears streaming down my face* JON CUTE JON CUTE

JON GO ON A DATE WITH ME AND WE CAN GO ON A MERRY GO ROUND oh fuck where did that come from

jon:  this merry-go-round went quite fast, actually, it was surprisingly thrilling I CAN'T HANDLE HIM I CAN'T THAT'S THE MOST OLD MAN THING TO SAY BUT IT'S SO CUTE THAT HE IS A FELLOW 30-YEAR-OLD WHO LIKES CAROUSELS YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME

SURPRISINGLY THRILLING MERRY-GO-ROUND how do you expect me to move on from that and hit play again. twitter is gonna ban me for spam

Narrator:  Twitter did, in fact, ban them for spam.

why are we here?? just to suffer??? every week Jon Cute

MARTIN SOUNDS SO ENDEARED can you imagine what a time of his life he's been having reconciling every New Jon Fact with the dour snarly boss from season 1.  picturing university student Jon getting excited about carousels.  I am going to weep I can't handle them

can this be a Thing?? Jon taking Martin on a date involving carousels and Martin realizes they're fun in tame nostalgic way when there's someone trying to hold your hand reaching between the horses instead of a mother snapping at you to hold still? they get ice cream after??

I really shouldn't get so worked up over cute date ideas when they're about to go through a haunted carousel but I have been Unleashed

[Twitter bans me for spam]

"It's not Nikola. It's, uh, an old friend" oh FUCK fucking HELL is it not!sasha???? I am TERRIFIED

oh man this dynamic of Jon getting overwhelmed with the need to record his Guidebook but there's actual active monsters prowling the area they need to avoid, that's some good tension and also I am scared

I love Martin suggesting the plan for him to do that first.  Lovely non-judgmental practical Martin   <3

Statement time.   this is some WTNV-level surrealistic horror

holy shit this is some goddamn freeform poetry. is that alliterative verse mixed in there???  I'm just sitting here like :0 :0 :0

DOES JONNY NEED TO BREATHE?? AIR?? DO YOU WANT OXYGEN????

I just realized the beginning of this ep was the reverse of them with the slaughter victims in 162.  Martin taking a look at them being like "ah yes, the monsters" and Jon correcting them "no, they're people"

ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT JON'S POETRY STATEMENT I'MGLGJFKSDHGDKGH  Martin:  Was it any good? Jon:  I don't know! You're the poetry expert, not me! HRHTHHTHRHRTHHT POETRY EXPERT...HOW FAR WE'VE COME..

Jon being like "oh I used to be so bad about poetry, but I'm better now!! I don't think all poetry is bad anymore!!" Martin:  what changed? Jon:  <_<;;;; uhhhh idk I See Through You Mr. Sims

Jon going from panicking and crying hiding from the not!them to "leave us alone, I won't warn you again"  J...JON....H  HOT

(okay panicking and crying is a different kind of Hot but we won’t go there rn)

JON LAUGHING AT THE NOT!THEM I'M GONNA PASS OUT

JON LAUGHING AT AND TAUNTING ONE OF THE MONSTERS THAT CAUSED THEM SO MUCH PAIN AND HEARTACHE STUFFS INTO MY FACE LIKE CANDY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

THE MUSIC CHANGE at "what did you say" after she taunts him about sasha holy SHIT

A MONSTER SOUNDING FRIGHTENED OF JON A MONSTER TRYING TO APOLOGIZE TO JON AFTER EARNING HIS ANGER I dont care about Implications or Premonitions THIS IS THE DREAM (tm)

JON MAKING THE NOT!THEM FEEL THE TERROR OF EVERYONE IT HURT?????  I???? I CANNOT EVEN PROCESS HOW SEXY THAT IS THAT IS A THOUSAND TIMES MORE SATISFYING THAN JUST FRYING WITH BRAIN POWER. THAT IS -VENGEANCE- AND IT IS DELICIOUS

martin:  JON HOT JON HOT JON HOT

me and martin last week:  JON CUTE JON CUTE me and martin this week:  JON HOT JON HOT

[psycho-slytherin]

Strangers ch. 36

Your relationship with Yoongi gets picked apart, and the commercial begins.

Pairing: Yoongi x (female) Reader

Word count: 2.3k

Genre: fluff, angst

|mlist|

<–– Prev   Next ––>

Your heart drops into your stomach, rips through your body, and continues down through the Earth’s crust. “Oh, c’mon, that wasn’t me. You have to know that wasn’t me.” It’s who I was before I knew you, a voice in your head echoes. God, did you love this man before you met him, before you fully registered that he was real.

Yoongi laughs. “Oh, I figured– I only wanted to tease you. You’ve been hacked, right?”

“I must’ve been, yeah. I haven’t liked any tweets like that.” You wink exaggeratedly. “At least, not since I knew you.” There’s something about the newfound freedom in your heart, the lightweight truth, that lends you far more confidence than you’ve had lately. He is your friend, after all. 

Yoongi rests his elbows on the table. “I just hope you’ve changed your password already, before your hacker does it first.”

“Oh shit, you’re right!” You’ve had the same password for most of your online accounts for years, and it’s probably time to change them around before someone else gets into your electronic life. You hurriedly grab your phone and change your Twitter password; thankfully, it doesn’t seem like whoever trolled you did so first. 

“How are you doing, by the way? With the cold, I mean.”

“Heh, what do you think?” You unzip your jacket to reveal a sweater underneath. After your photoshoot yesterday, you felt like you’d never be warm again. “It’s weird, I never minded the cold before.”

“After what happened, it’s no wonder you’re traumatized.” Yoongi rests a reassuring hand on your shoulder, and some part of your heart begins to sing. “Just, you gotta know that your body is warm enough already, and I don’t want you to get heatstroke from all those layers.”

“I’ll be careful.” Seoul’s central hospital is probably sick of you at this point, not that you can blame them. 

“Good.” Yoongi leans back, and the loss of contact is almost startling. “Watcha up to this week, workaholic?”

“Besides Moon Over the Sea?” You check your work calendar, the one both you and Lisa have access to. “I’ve got a commercial shoot for some cologne all day Friday and Saturday.”

Yoongi whistles. “Why’ve they got you scheduled for men’s cologne? And damn, I was gonna ask if you wanted to come over to our place Saturday night for dinner but it sounds like you’ll be busy. We’re gonna be working in Japan but we get back Saturday.”

“Don’t count on it, but I’ll see if I can make it. I’ll text you, yeah?”

“Sure.” Your friend rises from his chair. “Well, I better be off. See ya tomorrow for filming, and…” he winks. “Don’t get too distracted by my tongue, hm?”

Every drop of blood in your body rushes to your cheeks as Yoongi bursts out laughing. “I was hacked, you goddamn flirt!” You swat at him, forcing your racing heart to calm. “God, does Hobi know you’re cheating on him?”

“You know him, he’s worse than I am.” Yoongi’s voice is still full of mirth, his lips pulled back to expose his gums. It’s the kind of expression you died for when you were an ARMY�� and it seems it’s still affecting you now. 

“Just go away, nerd. Aren’t you working on your next mixtape?”

“Yeah, and it’s gonna be fire.”

“Enjoy arson then, but enjoy it in your own studio. I have homework.” With a final lighthearted salute, Yoongi departs and you’re left alone in your apartment, your heart hammering dangerously. You don’t have homework. Or, you do, but you certainly don’t plan on doing it. You’re an actress now, and gaining acclaim. You have better things to do– which is why it’s so frustrating that you’re letting Yoongi mess with your head. You thought you’d put the feelings you’d had as an ARMY behind you– those childlike emotions, the rush of excitement that left you reeling, the breathlessness at his every verse– you’d fallen in love with Suga, just like every other ARMY. 

Once you got to know Yoongi, and not just Suga, you were certain your heart would stop skipping a beat when you saw him. And it did for a while, when you were dating Xiumin. But now, now that you’re supposed to be dating Suga…

It feels… different. You feel different. 

Your thoughts are interrupted by your buzzing phone. More hate comments, you’re sure. One of these days you’re gonna be mad enough to respond to the shit you’re getting, and that’s gonna be a fucking good day. 

The days pass, and the filming of Moon Over the Sea continues smoothly. 

“Ji-Woo! A letter! Ji-Woo’s got a letter!” The actress playing one of your sisters hurries to you, clutching an elegant envelope.

“A letter?” The rest of your character’s family crowds around you as your ‘mother’ speaks. “Go on, Ji-Woo, read it!”

You tear open the prop envelope. “It’s from Mr. Moon’s sister…” You pretend to read. The scene is all about you discovering that Yoongi’s character has gone back to the city without warning, even after he said he loved you. It’s about you learning that you’ll never see him again.

Never seeing Yoongi again… the thought makes your heart ache and you feel tears begin to well up, almost spilling over. You grip the paper tighter, struggling to maintain your composure. Yoongi’s not on set today, and it makes it easier for you remember those times, those terrible, stupid times when you and Yoongi stopped talking for weeks or months because of some dumb argument or another. You can’t even begin to imagine being truly separated from your friend again.

“Oh, give me that!” Your sister snatches the letter out of your hand– you’d been so zoned out you forgot to say your lines. Shit, what kind of actress are you? “It says that they’re leaving for the city! Without a goodbye? I thought for sure that Mr. Moon was in love with Ji-Woo!”

“Oh, mercy!” Your mother wails, wringing her hands. “I was so certain there’d be a wedding by the end of the summer!”

You turn sharply. A wedding? As if Yoongi would ever marry you. Yet how many times had you, as his fan, dreamt of such a day?

Bo-Young, the main character, draws you away. “Are you alright, Ji-Woo?”

“I’m-” At last, you’re able to recall your lines, what you’re here for. “I’m perfectly fine. We were friendly acquaintances… nothing more.” Yes, just strangers. You remember when you had to pretend Yoongi was a stranger to you, and not a man you’d fallen for four years earlier. You summon that familiar sense of utter denial and let it rest upon your shoulders, relaxing your features, even as you feel close to breaking.

“Come, Ji-Woo, I know that’s not true!” “I said I’m fine, sister.” you reply sharply.

“And cut! That was spectacular, ladies, I think we’re keeping that take– Jeongyeon, good improvising. And y/n…” Avery turns to you. “That was great acting. Really great. I could feel the emotion there.”

“No wonder, it’s her boyfriend that’s left,” one of your costars, Jeongyeon, giggles. “She’d better get used to it.”

“Jeongyeon!” Bo-Young scolds. “That’s mean.”

“What? Y/n’s dating Suga from BTS! You really think they’re going to stay together?” Jeongyeon shoots you a glance. “Sorry, y/n, it’s just the truth.”

“Oh, I…” There’s nothing you can say. “I mean, you’re allowed to speak your mind.”

“But you do like him, right?” Jeongyeon leans forward and you laugh nervously, shrinking back as she looms over you.

“What are you, a reporter?”

“I’m just curious! It’s not like you two are all lovey-dovey– you don’t even seem like a couple!”

“Love doesn’t need to be physical,” Bo-Young steps in and you smile at her gratefully. “As long as they’re happy together, it’s none of our business. I’m sure y/n has enough on her shoulders without her costars attacking her as well, Jeongyeon.”

“Sorry, sorry, sheesh– c’mon, y/n, you know we all love you! Except your haters, amirite?” Jeongyeon pokes you teasingly and flounces away. 

“Sorry about her,” Bo-Young says later, as the crew packs up the set for the day. “She’s just a gossip– Jeongyeon doesn’t mean any harm. Are you gonna be okay?”

“Hm? Yeah. I’m used to it.” You chuckle hollowly while slipping on your street clothes. “It’s whatever. Thanks for the help.”

“Of course. You’re getting a lot of hate, I’ve seen it online. We’ve all been there, y/n, and the only thing you can really do is turn to your friends when it gets hard.”

“Thanks, Bo-Young.” You check your phone and notice the time. The commercial shoot is in forty minutes. “Shit! I gotta get going– see you at filming tomorrow!” You bid your costar a hasty goodbye and hurry to the door, already opening your phone to call a car when you hear a honk outside the studio. 

For a second, you feel excitement flood your veins– did Yoongi decide to pick you up even though he didn’t have to be onset today?

Lisa pokes her head out of the window. “C’mon, girl!”

Oh, right. The members of BTS are promoting in Japan.

“Thanks for the lift,” you say as you climb into your friend’s car.

“Of course! I mean, your address hasn’t leaked online and we have to keep it that way, ya feel?” Lisa clasps her hands together. “No more rideshare apps for you, miss y/n!”

You laugh. “Love you, Lisa– and please keep your eyes on the road.”

Your friend coughs. “Right back atcha, darling. The love, not the road.”

The drive to your shoot is quiet for a moment before Lisa speaks again. “Hey, there haven’t been any weirdos around set, right? I’ve been seeing a ton of online rumors that there’s a plan to leak Moon Over the Sea footage to, and I quote, ‘ruin y/n’s career’.”

You roll your eyes. “I’ve seen those. Yeah, no creeps that I’ve noticed, and I have a feeling they’d only come to film Yoongi, not me.”

“Speaking of, how’s your Prince Charming doing?” Lisa asks, raising a brow.

You sigh. “He’s not my Prince Charming.” Honestly, the one time you tell the truth is the one time your friend doesn’t believe you. Talk about crying wolf. 

“Yeah, yeah, you’re keeping it quiet for the cameras, I get it. Just let me know if he breaks your heart, got it?” Lisa cracks her knuckles menacingly. 

“Hands on the wheel, girl!”

“It’s fine, I’ve never crashed before.” Still, Lisa straightens up and grips the wheel once more. “Hey, do you ever get to meet the rest of BTS?”

“Uh…” What should you do, what can you say? “Sometimes?”

“Woah. See, that’s fuckin’ amazing. My best friend, everyone! Casually meeting the greatest musicians on the planet!”

You laugh at Lisa’s enthusiasm. “Turn right, the studio is down there.”

“Yeah, yeah. Anyways, I was wondering if you could, y’know, maybe…” Lisa’s tone turns wheedling. “Let me meet them? Or at least just send me another video of Jimin talking to me?”

“I…” You should’ve expected this– it’s the kind of thing your best friend would consider a given. “I’ll see what I can do, okay? No promises.”

“Thanks, love! I appreciate it more than you could ever know.” Lisa stops the car outside the studio. “Break a leg!”

“Only if you don’t break yours,” you reply as you get out and head towards the studio door. “Drive safe, Lisa!”

Once inside, you make your way to the front desk. A pretty woman with a tight bun greets you.

“Hi, I’m l/n y/n here for the cologne shoot?”

“Miss l/n…” The woman shuffles through some papers. “Ah, here you are! Yep, that’ll be on set number three, second door on the left.”

“Thanks!” You follow the directions, wondering what exactly your role will be in a men’s advertisement.

Soon enough, you have your answer.

“Y/n, darling, come on, get a little closer to Wonho!”

“I– how do I even do that? Like, physically?” You adjust yourself on your coworker’s lap, hyperaware of your surroundings. Wonho is shirtless and– not that you noticed– very well built, with broad shoulders and an almost illegal amount of taut muscle. 

The commercial director stands with a sigh. “Just… lean into him. The whole point is this cologne makes girls fall all over you, y/n. You gotta be all over him.”

“Yes sir,” you mutter under your breath. Wonho must hear you, because you sense him stifling a chuckle. You can barely inhale with the black halter top and high-waisted shorts they’ve dressed you in– and god, you’re cold. You’re sitting pretty in Wonho’s lap, and his hand is resting lightly on your hip.

“You’re doing fine,” Wonho says while the director is distracted by your latest take. You take the opportunity to slide off of him and sit in your own chair.

“W-what?”

“I can feel your heartbeat– it’s kinda hard not to. You’re nervous, huh?”

You laugh hollowly. “You can tell?”

“Yeah, but the camera can’t. You look great, y/n, and you don’t need to worry. If anything, I’m the one that should be nervous.

“Why’s that?”

“Ah, shit– I don’t want Yoongi to kill me once this commercial gets out!” Wonho grins mirthfully.

You start. “You know Yoongi?”

“Sure, our paths have crossed during work and we’ve been to the same parties– the fact that he’s gonna see me with you on my lap is probably gonna make him pretty jealous.”

You scoff to hide your blush. “Uh… Yoongi doesn’t really get jealous.” After all, why would he be jealous? You’re not really dating.

Wonho raises an eyebrow. “You sure about that?”

“Back to work, people! We’ve got a day and a half to shoot this so let’s get it right and we can all go home early tomorrow, eh?” The director claps his hands and you and Wonho scramble back onto set. Yoongi gets back tomorrow, and if you finish up early, maybe you can surprise him. How cool would that be?

A/N: Please don’t forget to like, comment, and reblog! <3

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Croatia to Eurovision with a confused angel lad and his lowkey over-enthusiastic mentor

Yeah, well, I definitely have hoped for this nation to finally finally bring back Dora as their national selection, as I myself have never really felt their internal entries since they abandoned it (well maybe except Nina from 2012 but even then by now I grew out of it softly). Not even Nina from 2016 which was tipped as a huge fan fave (though I’m so sorry for it getting completely lambasted in Eurovision, especially because of the poor clothing choice and Nina’s warbly notes here and there).

And they did! After like what, 7 solid years??? After the last Dora ending out with a disastrous end result and spawned a person to (more) stardom who even qualified a couple years back and this year he’s there to be a songwriter for his home country because of the Eurovision 2019 slogan inspiring him???? Well... yeah that happened. With having fought 15 other participants made up of familiar faces, up and coming starlets, the already legendary divas or just some people, he won as a songwriter for this next target of my review - the target that is aptly titled “The Dream” and is performed by a 19 year old up-and-coming pop star, Roko Blažević. Yep, Jacques Houdek won a NF but not with himself singing. Man did his magic game get stronger over the years since Dora 2011.

And interestingly enough, Jacques’s wizardry comes in with him being capable of selling chanceless music as something worth buying into. How can that happen???

Well, to be frank with you all, this song is not that bad, unlike everyone thinks it is. It feels like a low-rent musical ballad, sure, but it's not terribly composed or anything... well, I know I usually hate on those songs that like using mostly not the "verse - chorus - verse - chorus - bridge - chorus", but there are plenty of songs that mess with that structure that usually just omit the last two components (radio pop music) or don’t even need one, and they sound great. Here we have the omission of the last two components that more reminds me of “Grande amore” (I am not saying they’re comparable but still), as in, slow ballad in the F minor (”The Dream” even slaps a keychange on) that tries to sound majestic/dramatic, not very much so to be intense, just something theatrical I s’pose. And has a little too little time for another full verse so they just go to a bridge (and "Grande amore" had two long pre-choruses too?!?). I don’t hate this one, if I had to make a 2019 ranking this instant I’d put this in Top 30 somehow.

So what is there to be found that puts people off? They cannot be hating on Roko’s voice, which is really great for a young man like him. (In fact, God forbid I say one bad word about him, because some specific one on Twitter will have a beatdown with me because I dissed her hubby... so I’ll keep my mouth shut about any qualities of his :X) I guess it consists of several factors: 1) the song sounds dated; 2) the lyrics, especially in that chorus (I DREAM OF LOOOOOOVE, YOU DREAM OF LOOOOOOVE~ lol I actually dream of hatred, hatred will prevail >:) ); 3) the vocal volume is loud at parts; 4) the song is English-Croatian and somehow it should be sung in Croatian just to hide away the hideous understandable lyrics. My personal caveats are: 1) the song is too plodding and it shows a lot in that chorus with Roko holding his long notes (can we get tothe point FASTER?!); 2) the chorus lacks productional depth and maybe with a slight revamp (given Jacques wouldn’t be so stubborn about it!) it could have sounded the right amount of dramatic. If anything, I am GRATEFUL that it sounds more palatable than "My Friend", as THAT one was a joyful of cringey clichés tbh. The cheese became rotten and smelly and the sudden violin lead-in into the bridge still creeps me out. Goddamn it Jaq.

Not to mention Mr. Houdek is soooooo optimistic about his song, he finds everything in it perfect enough to not change it! Not the melody, not the language decisions, not the wings (did I tell you Roko wore wings on his NF performance??) - no! Did someone not tell him that Eurovision is rapidly evolving and his fantasies of coming top 3 with this song just better stay fantasies? Oh wait, it's the same man who once sang "dare to dream and make it real", of course he's stuck to his guns like super glue. Can't blame him, there were worse songs in top 3 over the years. Still though, the wings is a stupid idea. There should be something else involved if Jacques wants a performance to be memorable. Roko can't just stand there and only do what he's told to do by his guardian songwriter - granted he has to behave but still...

In the end, how would I summarize this tl;dr? I am one of a handful of folks who find this alright. There's a bigger minority who outright adores the song but I'm just there that likes this and nothing much more, honestly. Everything's just alright. Guess I'm sometimes soft enough to accept cheese, huh. But seriously, the mentoring behind the scenes... it's creepy to say the least. I'm happy Roko's having a helluva good time at least.

Approval factor: Oh I don't know with this one, statistically we can just go ahead and... try approving this? I’m not a huge fan of Croatian entries this decade, at least Slovenia redeemed themselves in my eyes last minute with “Sebi”, while even in my Croatian faves (they mostly are “Nebo” and “Crazy”, and I maaaaaybe like “Lighthouse” a bit too actually?) I see some negative qualities that completely overwhelm my liking for them. But since I legally find “The Dream” okay, I give this one a bit of a pass.

Follow-up factor: Sadly this kind of choice feels to me as a steady divedown in overall quality of what Croatia usually offers us. Well the decline was always on since “My Friend” followed up “Lighthouse” I suppose, or it's just so happens that Croatia sent the duds on this decade only in odd years ("Celebrate" was fun but tragic trash, "Mižerja" was pleasant I guess but everything here was miserable from the beginning and everyone still doesn’t get why “My Friend” qualified and “Crazy” didn’t). I like it though.

Qualification factor: I’d like to believe that this one can borderline sneak the fuck in to the finals for no reason other than Jacques knowing how to work things in his favour. Yes, I’m not writing this off completely. Although I still see some parts where this wouldn’t work out, it’s actually not 100% doomed... if anything, I at least don’t see it coming last in semi easily! It’s not as LAME as Iceland last year was. And it too was a basic love-peace-dreams message inserted into an older-timey-sounding singalong ballad and was given for a young singer that has a helluva lot of potential later ASIDE Eurovision. That is if they don't pretend Eurovision "ruined [their] careers, njeh!", of course. At least Roko can SANG live and maybe it will happen again that a singer's voice will make this surprisngly qualify over the song? We'll see. For now Jacques should just stay focused on how to make Roko's angel wings (sigh...) more memorable on stage in case the voice is not qualifying but the gimmicks are.

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

EMA 2019 at least had positive surprises all over for a NF this non-cared-about-by-me. Dora just... did not. Really. This NF did not interest me all that much song-quality-wise, and it even had SIX MORE SONGS than EMA!!! Crazy, huh?? But it’s okay, I can talk about the show to you if you want me to:

• From the Dora participants list announcement I was mostly excited to hear like two entries, and I'll mention both of them right away separately. And it's by two artists I've heard of before a lot! Though this first one kind of made me feel like I've been somewhat betrayed... enter Luka Nižetić who has got a nice vast catalogue of songs now - soft song(s), upbeat summer songs, and so on. And I kinda liked some of those songs of his I heard (if you're looking for recommendations, give "Vječno" a listen!), but “Brutalero”, his actual Dora 2019 entry was... on a whole different level. Dude, when was ripping off “Mi gente” ever useful?? It’s the year people were chasing after “Fuego” as the Latinesque bop to copy, not this! I hate it when people rehash annoying (but catchy) songs, and it’s certainly worse when they do it as their Eurovision NF entry. Brutal. And I actually remember hyping him before hearing the song, which is a bigger facepalm-worthy moment of mine. When will I ever learn?! ;( Thank God for the juries who served this song right. IDC if the revamp version of this made it any better, I’ll be fuming over this not being an inspired song. Oh and the comic book cartoon style made this brutally laughable to me, I said what I said. It might have entertained some kids though. So to summarise, Luka’s capable of having bops out, but “Brutalero” ain’t it, sis.

• Well guess what - Friendship ended with LUKA, Now MANNTRA is my best friend! Hell yeah lol. Did I tell you I like rock music so much? So I really foresaw kind of liking Manntra's song “In the Shadows” and rooting for them based on me knowing their name (just like Luka but oop), and in fact I really did root for them in the end! I wish I supported them more than Luka instead. They’re bangin’. They’re blazin’. They’re pure awesomeness. Their costumes. THAT BREAKDOWN. Magic. Should’ve won, and if them winning were any forbidden because Croatia is just refusing to accept stuff I’d stan for, at least come second. Screw Luka, screw Lorena. Bring the rock music back. ^^

• oh yeah and the others I guess. Well, if I had to recommend a few entries, here goes: if you’re nostalgic for old-timey early 2000′s bops (in the style of “Everyway That I Can”), you go and listen to the aforementioned Lorena Bućan‘s entry, “Tower of Babylon”. If you dreamed of one of the Femminem singers becoming a 60s retro artiste (actually you did not, that sounds very utter random), go check her project’s (Gelato Sisters) entry, “Back to That Swing”. If you’re here for THE QUEEN DOMENICA, go ahead, check out “Indigo”, the ultimate shopping mall background music anthem. My actual other favourite together with Manntra was Beta Sudar though, as “Don’t Give Up” as some really nice pop I guess. You see what I mean when I said that Dora this year did not interest me all that much song-quality-wise? Well ofc some songs were nice but that's all and too much 'just niceness' is slowly breaking me honestly. I would have gladly cancelled the NF and put Manntra through internally instead. Epic boys deserve an epic platform to showcase themselves, I don’t make the rules here.

Thankfully that's that out of the way, now I'm just going to wish this sweet little angel man all the best in Tel Aviv and not to be too upset if he flops. I know Jacques would be upset, but for that he shouldn't put Roko through a similar mind process also...

[magenta-storm]

So, even though I haven’t seen season 3 or 4 yet thanks to it still not having aired here yet, I decided to watch The Originals finale. I’d already inadvertently ran into so many spoilers over the years I just gave up and decided to rip the bandaid off quickly rather than try to remain unspoiled for fuck knows how much longer. (insert it’s been 84 years gif) Especially since I’d already seen people saying it was inevitable that at least one of my boys had to die.

So after spending like 4 hours and nearly blowing up my internet to find a way past the geoblocking because I fail at technology forever, I watched it. Mixed feelings abound.(though at least one upside is it’s made me less impatient for s3 to hurry up and air because I couldn’t take watching it in the near future anyway)

Ultimately I can’t say I hated it, but I definitely think it could have been executed better. It seemed rushed to me, and it seemed that everyone just gave up way too easily and accepted that there was no way out but death. But even though I’m disappointed in the laziness of basically having everyone act like they knew they were in their series finale rather than trying to fight and live as they’ve done every time they’ve faced problems like that in the past, I can’t say I’m too disappointed in the actual outcome.

In a perfect world I would have preferred a happy ending, with everyone alive and together, but I never thought there was much chance of that happening. That thought was cemented by the announcement of Legacies. So I’d pretty much already accepted this outcome weeks ago.

I’m definitely pissed as fuck that this stupid spinoff no one asked for is the reason why half the Mikaelsons have to die right now, but I’m not mad that Klelijah dying together was the ultimate endgame.

I’ve seen so many people screaming on twitter that it was the absolute worst ending possible, and fair enough. I can see why a lot of people would see it like that. And there’ve been times when I’ve considered the possibility and agreed that I would hate an ending where they both died. But then considering the other possible terrible endings I’ve tortured myself by imagining for the last couple of years, all I can say is, lol those people have no imagination because I’m thankful as hell she only killed them.

There are so many other scenarios I can think of that would have been truly sadistic. I've been scared for ages it could end with the whole family separated in a massive never-going-to-speak-again feud. Or separated by force like the end of season 3 & 4, but permanently.

If the last shot of season 4 had been the series finale, with Klaus longingly staring at a happy Elijah who doesn’t know who he is, holy fuck I would legitimately have hurled myself into the fucking sun. Yes, I cried for like 3 hours over the finale but they were a mixture of sad and happy tears. If s4 or anything like it had been the end, I’d have been furious as well as sad and I would never get over it and I mean never, oh boy I would still be enraged on my deathbed.

If one had died without the other, maybe I could have accepted if it were done just right but I think I would have found it a crapton more upsetting, even if it was done well. If it was done poorly then, again - endless rage and disappointment.

It’s crossed my mind before that if they wanted to be really horrible they could kill Rebekah instead and emotionally destroy the entire family.

My worst nightmare was that it would end with Klaus and Elijah separated after a massive ‘that’s it I’m done I hate you & there’s no way back from this’ level fight. Or even worse, one actually killing the other after such a fight. If that had happened *shudders* My soul would have fucking shriveled up and died. Straight up disintegrated into ash like they did lol

Lots of people have been saying that them deciding they don’t need each other anymore would've been the best ending. I understand that argument intellectually but emotionally, I hate that idea so so much. An ending with any of the Mikaelsons getting over their codependency would hurt so much and piss me off. As it is I am a bit distressed was Rebekah left behind, but at the same time I can hardly be mad they didn’t kill her before she got to marry Marcel. And she is going to take the cure so she will be joining them reasonably soon.

And like, of course I agree that kind of co-dependency is bad and not to be aspired to in real life duh, but for my thousand year old, dysfunctional even before they were vampires vampire family? It’s who they are and I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to imagine them without that trait. They’re absolutely terrible clingy, unhealthy messes and that’s why I love them. They wouldn’t be them if they suddenly stopped being borderline incestuous walking disaster areas.

I have seen. just. so many. people say that the conclusion should have been for Klaus and Elijah to break their codependency and I just. ??? I don’t even know why someone would like the show or the characters if they really found their bond to be toxic and ugly instead of um, toxic and beautiful lol.

I mean, if there’d been an ‘everyone lives happily ever after’ ending then sure it would have been nice to see their dynamic get a little healthier. But since that was never gonna happen and there had to be a death, it makes sense they wanted to go together.

I definitely have a problem with the plot holes & general sloppiness of the whole thing. It’s clear Plec dumped The Originals in the garbage as soon as she got the go ahead for her new show about damaged teenage orphan Hope and the inevitable ‘how will she ever choose between the ten guys fawning over her’ drama *eyeroll*

The finale was definitely rushed and it is bullshit that Klaus said a proper goodbye to whoever the chick from The Vampire Diaries was and not, oh I don’t know, his goddamn son!!

Elijah’s goodbyes were rushed as well, didn’t even see him hug Freya for fuck’s sake. It should have been a two-parter if they couldn’t manage their time better than that.

But the last scene itself felt like the right ending for the characters. Ideally, it wouldn’t be under those specific circumstances, but I don’t see it as the wrong decision to have them die together.

Also, most of the people I’ve seen mad about the ending were 110% on board with Elijah dying and didn’t care about him at all and are only mad that Klaus died too. Like sure, people are entitled to their opinions and favourite characters but it seems like most of those complainants thought the plot holes and rushed-ness were A-OK when they thought it would only be Elijah who died and didn’t care about how Klaus would feel being left without him. And a little petty part of me is happy those people are mad about the ending because how can you claim to be a Klaus stan if you value his relationship with one of the most important people in his life that little? I love Elijah a fraction more than Klaus but if Elijah had died and not Klaus I wouldn’t just be upset my favourite character died, I would also be upset for Klaus losing him and I would be wishing that neither of them died, not that Klaus had died instead.

Also, a big part of why I can accept their deaths is a) we know there is an afterlife where they can be together and happy and b) said afterlife is constantly treated like it has a revolving door in this ‘verse. It’s really not that hard to just imagine that everything is fine in the end as either the rest of the family eventually joins them or that they might find a way to resurrect them.

[callmehawkeye]

Watched in 2019

Big Little Lies (Season 1): This is such a solid cast and story, albeit predictable. I loved it as a mini-series and do not understand why it needs a second season; but I’ll be watching regardless. 

Taylor Swift Reputation Stadium Tour (2018): IIIIIIIIIII don’t think this setting is the best for Taylor. I go back and forth on her as a person often, but dig over half her catalog. The big theatrical show doesn’t quite suit her particular stage presence. She is great when just talking to the crowd with her guitar or piano. Regardless, she was definitely having fun, it was entertaining enough, and it’s cool she put this up on Netflix so I don’t have to amputate a body part to afford a ticket.

If Beale Street Could Talk (2018): Without a doubt, this is perhaps the most genuine and fulfilling depiction of a (hetero) romantic love story put to film I’ve witnessed in recent memory. The actors and their chemistry were breathtaking. 

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018): Hands down the best Spider-Man movie to date. Soundtrack was perfection. Story was great. Characters were amazing. I want to protect Miles with my dying breath. Unique animation. Deservedly kicked Disney’s ass this award season.

Bumblebee (2018): Oddly endearing? Easily the best Transformers movie, and the only one I’ll recognize.

A Star is Born (2018): I’m sure I’d like this more if I weren’t a fan of the other 3. Lacked subtlety. Overhyped. It’s fine. The only best part was the rehab scene.

Fyre Fraud (2019): The Hulu documentary about the disastrous Fyre Festival. Superior of the two, in production and scope.

Abducted in Plain Sight (2017): WHAT. THE. FUCK. A must-see for true crime enthusiasts. 

Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes (2019): This is more or less the same thing if you have already spent a little more time on this case than the average person. Good content for first-timers.

Girlfriends Day (2017): A nice, fast watch to pass the time.

Fyre Festival (2019): The other Fyre Festival documentary. To me, the lesser because it is produced from people who were on the inside. Which you’d think, “Oh so then they’d know.” But their bias and attempts to scrub themselves from the narrative are obvious.

The Favourite (2018): This made my little queer heart so happy. Great characters. 

Everybody Knows (2019): A little on the nose in the mystery itself (just watch the actors in the background). But the performances were great. Loved the setting. Appropriate ending. Good job.

Isn’t It Romantic (2019): I loved this. I feel like I’ve written something exactly like this before. Very endearing and satisfying to watch.

How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (2019): It felt a little long, unsatisfying at some parts and rushed. But it’s a great bookend to a great series.

They Shall Not Grow Old (2019): Very impressive filmmaking and editing. I loved learning how they accomplished it in the featurette at the end of the screening.

Arctic (2019): Now THIS is how you make a survival movie. 90 minutes. No romance. Brutal reality without becoming melodramatic. Mads Mikkelsen cast in the lead...

Don’t Knock Twice (2016): Pleh. I hated the pacing and editing. Called out the “twist” immediately as a joke because I didn’t expect this movie to be that nuanced (magic done without permission, even with the intent to be good, is bad magic).

Captain Marvel (2019): My god this was so much fun and rejuvenated my interest in the MCU. I’m absolutely dreading Endgame and not for the reasons you think.

Greta (2019): Great performances, absolutely tense, very creepy and fun.

1922 (2017): What a great fucking motif.

Climax (2019): This was quite the sit. A literal 90 minute bad LSD trip from an up-close perspective. God I hated it.

Michael Che Matters (2016): I’ve never seen a standup special start so strong and progressively get weaker like this before...

Us (2019): As I said on Twitter --  it seems to me primarily casual or non-horror fans think Us is the greatest horror film of all time and is going to rejuvenate or “save” the genre. Then primarily veteran fans think it’s weak and vague. I think both viewpoints are shortsighted and formed from either category being stuck in their perspectives. For me, the movie was neither. (I loved it).

The Beach Bum (2019): Another movie I can’t believe I sat all the way through.

Leaving Neverland (2019): I stand with Wade and James.

Queer Eye (Season 3): Who needs antidepressants? Not me!

Homecoming: A Film By Beyoncé (2019): Beychella reigns once again!!

Dancing Queen (Season 1): This was very sweet. I never thought I could sit through anything with insufferable dance moms, but Justin/Alyssa makes it so engaging and watchable. Stupid to end on a cliffhanger, however.

Avengers: Endgame (2019): ..............B+ At least it was a million times better than Infinity War. And I had fun.

Booksmart (2019): This hit so close to home. Sure, the coming of age movie is nothing new. But there was something liberating about the characters in this one that were terribly stereotypical and much more relatable. To me, anyway.

Long Shot (2019): Great music, great relationship, great laughs. This was a fun, solid watch of a romcom.

Hail Satan? (2019): I want to inject this documentary directly into my veins.

Amazing Grace (2019): The live footage of Aretha Franklin recording her Amazing Grace album at the church in Watts.

Meeting Gorbachev (2019): I got to see this documentary at a theater where Wener Herzog himself was hosting a Q&A and introduced this film. Maybe it made me more biased to liking it. But I honestly felt like I learned a lot.

Missing Link (2019): First movie of the year I didn’t complete/walked out of. I let it have an hour. First time I’ve ever been disappointed in Laika. I can’t believe it. It was so dull and I kept waiting for something to happen.

Little (2019): This was sweet. Issa Rae is dipped in gold. BUT it felt like there was an outline, not a script. Lots of dropped threads. And a weirdly out of place, glaring, punching-down trans joke??!

Tolkien (2019): Wow. I really liked this. Great pacing, shifting between time frames. Even better performances and relationships. Made me think of my own fellowship a lot. This is how biopics should be done.

The Biggest Little Farm (2019): WONDERFUL documentary covering the years of building up a sustainable farm from less than scratch.

The Hustle (2019): God, this was a long, humorless sit. At least Anne looked stunning.

The Sun is Also a Star (2019): This isn’t more realistic than romantic comedies, or teen love films. But it’s more enjoyable than most. The leads are great and have electric chemistry. New York is framed beautifully.

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum (2019): I am blessed by this Keanu Reevessance.

Fleabag (Season 1): This is probably going to be the best thing I watch this year.

Fleabag (Season 2): Yup. Confirmed. Something very special would need to come along from June to December to change this mindset. I highly recommend this. Watch it. Go in blind. Watch it!!

Pavarotti (2019): I enjoy documentaries where I feel I really learn about the subject. Beautiful music, beautiful memories, beautiful life.

Rocketman (2019): I wish more biopics were like this. It was wonderful and such a grand time.

Lorena (2019): A deep dive into the Bobbitt case, including the woman herself. I have such empathy and love for Lorena. You should watch it and learn about the incident yourself.

The Last Man in San Francisco (2019): Go in blind. Don’t look it up. Just go. it’s the most beautiful film I’ve seen so far this year. I wish there were more male protagonists like this.

Toy Story 4 (2019): I was so skeptical. It more than exceeded my expectations. Just go in prepared to have your heart ripped in two.

Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019): They’re learning. Out of the newer films, this one has the less amount of people. Now make another film like this, only extend the monster fight scenes. Less. People.

Child’s Play (2019): This was fun. Not much more to say. More Aubrey in things!

Men in Black International (2019): Honestly, this was better than the second or third ones. I legitimately enjoyed myself. It was funny. The cast was charming. The otherworldly aliens were interesting. And I’m so proud of Les Twins.

Grace and Frankie (Season 5) :This is always a good time for me. I love watching this show when I want to take a break from more dedicated watches. I love these actresses with all my heart. June Diane Raphael is goals.

Midsommar (2019): This was such a fun aesthetic to watch. I was so uncomfortable throughout.

Toni Morrison: The Pieces I Am (2019): Ugh, my hearrrrrtt.

Maiden (2019): Documentary about the first all-female crew who competed in the 1985-86 Whitbread Round the World Race. The woman next to me in the theater was the same age as the women featured in old footage and modern day talking head interviews -- and she was just sobbing by the end. Solidarity.

Frankenstein’s Monster’s Monster, Frankenstein (2019): 30 minutes well spent. Fucking hilarious.

Stranger Things (Season 3): God, what a fun season. I am still Steve.

Queer Eye (Season 4): I need 54 more seasons, kthx.

Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019): My absolute favorite battle sequence in a Marvel movie. Such a good time.

Hobbs & Shaw (2019): My first and last Fast movie. Goddamn I was so bored.

Bring the Soul: The Movie (2019): Wow, this was brutal. I get it wasn’t all of the footage, but they seemed to mostly focus on members being sick and injured and miserable. I didn’t understand the love for this movie when all it did was highlight how exhausted the boys are. I suppose it was meant to be inspiring, but I only felt bad for them. I just ranted about them needing a break and thank god they finally have one -- apt timing!

Burn the Stage: The Movie (2018): I went back to the earlier film with the hopes of... Higher hopes. And they were fulfilled. Such cute and uplifting footage.

Blinded by the Light (2019): God I love Springsteen. This movie is a great homage to his music. It’s not a straight-up musical, and that’s lovingly the point. Some things never change.

It: Chapter Two (2019): This was a slog compared to the first part. Much like the miniseries. Much like the book.

Parasite (2019): I, a college student with very little free time -- let alone free time to go to the movies -- saw this in theaters twice. I tried to go a third time but then finals happened. Go see it. Go see it blind. I'm not really doing end-year lists anymore but this is without a doubt my favorite film from 2019.

BTS World Tour: Love Yourself (2019): Most fun I've had in a theater in some time. I feel like I curled up into the tiniest ball at some point out of pure joy that couldn't be contained.

Frozen II (2019): This was quite plot-heavy for a sequel. I loved how many songs they were. It's an acceptable sequel. A lot of weak themes and choices, however, if you think about it for more than a few minutes. Overall delightful. 

Jojo Rabbit (2019): Speaking of delightful. Taika Waititi continues to be my favorite living writer-director. This is such a solid portrayal of Nazism without glorifying it. Always go the Mel Brooks route and make it a comedy; they can't turn it around and make the imagery propaganda. I have high hopes for Roman Griffin Davis and his future career.

Knives Out (2019): This was quite fun. I love a good mystery with a large ensemble cast like this. It didn't blow my mind of anything -- I saw every turn coming -- but that's just because I credit it to being such a lonely kid who read so many mystery novels.

2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014

[pensurfing]

Caitlin’s Three Things List

Okay, so moments (probably hours by the time I finish this) ago I wrote a goals list that I think is good for self-evaluation. (Keyword: This is what I think. results may vary depending on what you’re looking for.)

I’m going to hop to it and answer some of these that I laid out in hopes of having a better idea of what I want to accomplish. 

The Three Things Lists!

1) Three things that went well this year.

* Audience growth

So once upon a time, I grew a pretty decent following due to creating an Inktober Prompt list. My expectations: Maybe two of my friends would do this, maybe. And then one stranger that has followed me for a while. (There are a few followers I recognize their username because if I post something they always like it and for some reason that keeps me going.)

But because of this prompt, I was exposed to MANY new creators and illustrators that I now enjoy chatting with and following! Instagram had the biggest maintained growth. I’m excited to create for an audience that actually expects me to create and not just for friends who see my things “whenever they aren’t busy”. (Not to bash them or anything, just there are a lot where unless I tell them, they don’t see the posts I make.)

Another surge of growth in my audience was due to tabling at conventions this year. I was terrified to show my work let alone attempt to sell it to someone. Tabling at cons not only boosted my confidence but also quieted one of my ever going demons. “YoU sUcK aT dRaWiNg CaItLiN.” “How do you have a degree? oh right, you just barely passed.” I can’t say this is the case, there is an audience that genuinely enjoys my scribbles. So I am forever thankful to Atlanta Comic Con for giving me that chance. It honestly opened a few doors for me.

**Process

I’ve gotten more comfortable with showing my process. It can be messy, crisp, and illogical. But turns out the people who enjoy my content enjoy my scrambled thoughts. It’s something about not being alone in this sort of sense that calms the nerves.

So I can say with chest poked out that sharing process has gotten MUCH better. I can thank a self-help book I bought this year that was a FANTASTIC BUY. Austin Kleon has [two] (currently? If he has more then I’m buying it like people buy a name brand.) books that helped me see that it is GREAT to share not only the process but advice. “Show Your Work” is the book I’m talking about for now. Great tips, the outline is on the back of the book. So if you’re like me, I need to clearly see what I might be getting into, you might have a ball.

And finally, (not calling myself out on this but other) If you’re going to respond to people when they ask you “how do you___?” do not answer “Google it”. That is the rudest thing I’ve seen some of even my FAVORITE illustrators do; that response can burn in hell. PERIODT. (my one typo allowed.)

*** Art Style Exploration

For those who think college will help you establish an art style that you’ll enjoy or help nourish the one you currently have.... Let me save you over 80K.... No, the fuck it won’t.

That was the biggest thought I had going into art school. If anything, it confused me more and utterly destroyed what little confidence I had in my drawing style. After graduating, I had a huge swing from how I used to draw to how my art currently looks. I stopped trying to please the one professor who stood between me and my degree and started drawing to please my tastes. And guess what? That did something. And that something WORKED. I love what I draw now; I see why I chose this as my career path. I’m genuinely happy with how my pieces turn out versus in college just wanting to turn the damn thing in and hoping it isn’t an F.

2) Three things you could have handled better.

* The loss of a good paying client.

Now hear me out when I say this: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL a good client. Say that three times and then exhale.

Back earlier this year, I had the opportunity to work with a writer who gave me hell and back. And even that is an understatement. I dealt with her because in school you were taught “if they pay on time, finish the work and get the exposure.” 

I’m here to tell you my lesson learned: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL good exposure, good pay, a good client. 

I was doing the work of three for the price of one and a half. (And was always told I charged too much.) She tried abusing this power with friends of mine, with other illustrators. When things turned out bad, she tried saying it was my fault. She read my contract and then tried telling me I changed the wording, I purposely did this thing, another thing was my fault. I could go on with this story.

The part that I wish I handled better?

How I treated myself afterward. I’m so used to people telling me, “Cait, this is what you do wrong. This is how you fix it.” that I don’t consider my own feelings, and when I bring my feelings into the scenario they no longer matter. Because they tell me they don’t matter. In this case, I wish I had treated me better, because my feelings, my mental health, DOES matter.

**My Patience Getting Into Conventions.

Pretty self-explanatory. I got into one, finished one, and wanted to do eight more in a week. But this sort of thing just takes time and I need to accept that.

***My losses

I had to listen to a Little Mix song to actually learn this one. The context of the song is nowhere near the topic at hand. But a verse from Power feat Stomzy really packs a punch after this year: 

“ You look him in the eye and say, "I know I'm not a guy But see there's power in my losses and there's power in my wins" “

I had to look one of my demons in the face, and state something similar. My loses mean I’m trying. My loses piling shows I’m not willing to give up easily, and that is something that took a while to be content with.

3) Three things artistically you want to improve on.

*Composition

It’s not awful, but it can be better.

**Color

I told this BOLDLY if I might add while critiquing someone else’s portfolio; “Your color palette is boring. All your [things] look as if they are from the same universe, during the same time of day, with the same kind of mood. After three photos it’s bland, boring, and understood you have a preference.” 

Can you say damn Cait? The statement was, in fact, true, but I certainly could not talk. My color palette is mainly bright, pop, and happy. In order to tell a story, I KNOW it is best told with color. And I failed myself this year. But I sure won’t next year.

***My Damn Tag

Okay, alright. Why is it well-established artists have their tag figured out? Even some who’s art style is so recognizable (I’m looking HEAVILY at you Gabriel Piccolo.) we know it’s theirs, seem to have a tag that suits them and works for them. But more importantly, they put it in A VERY DECENT SPOT. SOMEONE SHARE THIS SCIENCE WITH ME? CAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T GET IT.

4) Three things you want to focus on trying.

*More backgrounds.

As much as it pains me, I need to improve on backgrounds and perspective. When I do make backgrounds, I’m told I make great pieces. That I should look into becoming a background artist. And don’t get me wrong, I like them. But I don’t like them.

I feel as though I need to improve in that region so that way I don’t feel as though it’s a weakness of mine. My backgrounds are nice, but they aren’t nice to my standards.

**More designs

I love character designs, but let’s be real. If you were to scroll down my site or my Instagram page, or even this Tumblr archive, could you tell? 

I draw characters a lot sure, but none are designs. No process, no sheets, no turnarounds, none of that. So that’s a huge goal of mine for 2019.

***Scheduling posting

At one point I was pretty good at this. Live stream in Instagram and Twitter, cool. Videos on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Cool. Everywhere gets a photo, everywhere gets a silly one-liner. Yay. I’m not leaving anything out.

Well by the end of this year that totally crumbled. 

SO I want to try getting better at that thing there. Because having attempted this at the end of the year was cool, but it still wasn’t enough apparently.

5) Three positive things to tell yourself.

* You are an inspiration. That’s all you wanted to be in life, you did it. I’m proud of you.

**You didn’t kill yourself like you tried to; you opened up about it for once and used that pint up anger creatively. That is very hard to do, trust. I’m proud of you.

***You moved on, matured, and let it go. Even when the goddess inside you told you these peasants didn’t deserve your light, your friendship, your greatness. I’m proud of you.

I’m just proud of me for not snapping when I had every right to; not everything deserves a reaction.

6) Three negative things you want to leave for 2018.

*Comparisons 

Oh boy. I am extremely guilty for this: I’ll compare myself to a well-known illustrator my age. I’ll compare myself to friends who are in the field having a blast and getting work; I’ll compare myself to friends who aren’t in the field and they struggle at getting work. I’ll compare myself to the kid I graduated high school with who is traveling the world, is able to eat, come home to his dog and relax because he doesn’t have tuition to pay. I’ll compare myself to these goddamn baby boomers who keep repeating “We didn’t have it hard, you’re just being stupid. Millennials aka our children deserve to starve. We’ll just put our faith in our grandchildren because screw the kids we raised and refuse to pay accordingly. $7 an hour worked in my day, they need to make it work now.” I’ll compare myself to fake people I created in my head and purposely made scenarios and wonder why I’m not like them, said creations I made because I was pretty low for ten minutes...

I just compare myself too much. To any damn body. It’s draining, obnoxious and most of all pointless. My new motto for next year is: “Unless it is helping you grow yourself, your brand, your spirituality, don’t do it.”

I’m not comparing my chapter two to someone’s chapter thirty-five. I’m not even comparing my chapter two to someone else’s chapter two. I need to stop doing that PERIOD! My journey is different, unique, and worth seeing through.

**Listening to negative others.

A couple of years ago, I lost a close friend around the time my aunt passed away. During this time I was hypersensitive to any and everything done or said; I also kept many walls up to hide my mourning. He caught the crossfire of all of that. I kept secrets from him I was too prideful of admitting and lashed out because of the emotional turmoil I kept suppressed. While in the midst of packing his things and leaving my life, he mentioned that I was a failure because I was unemployed and artistically speaking I hadn’t accomplished anything; that I would remain that way because that’s just the person I deserved to be. Now mind you, I graduated college that year; he was a flunk out. I changed my art style dramatically compared to when I started school to pass; he thought just posting crappy pictures of lukewarm sketches were equivalent. I started attempting trends and all he could do was copy. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to bash my old friend. If he were to come back into my life and move on like nothing had happened I’d do the same. (With some limitations.)

It’s just while typing out this scenario, of our four-year friendship I can’t think of one nice thing/compliment/gesture he has said to me. That’s my problem.

I can be praised, admired, and look highly upon for years straight. But my problem is I let others negative thinking and comments marinate with me for a long while. Too long of a while.

Another example is my mother’s friend. (My mom has many friends that do this shit, but this one stung more.) 

This friend always roots for me; treats me like a person, and encourages my artistic journey. I consider her family before my actual relatives. 

We went over for some barbeque the family was having and I was ready. Black Hallmark Cookouts, laughing, good food, good music, shit talking others teams. She asked me a harmless question of when was I going to quit my day job. Seemed like nothing at first, until the added gest of what she continued with. “All I’m saying is you can’t do [your day job] forever. That will get old. If the art thing doesn’t work out next year what’s plan b?”

I’m not a calm person (usually). Normal Caitlin would have cursed her out and mentioned how just because she chose a job to settle and be miserable at for most of her life doesn’t mean I have to follow suit. But again, of all the nice encouraging things she has done, said, and showed, for a while, I couldn’t think of it. 

So I pray I let go of this nasty behavior in 2018; it’s going to be hard but it is dire.

***Saying I’m Not Enough

Alright, now put the combination of the two above in a bowl and what do you get? A Caitlin who struggles in interviews and applying for jobs because I let comparisons and negative comments rule my thoughts. This stopped me from applying to jobs I would have been perfect for; internships that could have helped me; posting art online.

We (including me) have to stop thinking that in order to be an illustrator means we have to pass a certain threshold of struggle, success, and a huge number of followers. That isn’t the job description. NO JOB DESCRIPTION has ”must have at least 10K followers on Instagram or Twitter.” nOnE. 

So we (including me) need to stop treating ourselves this way. Period.

7) Three things you’re looking forward to in 2019.

*Going to move conventions.

**Adding pieces to my portfolio to try again at job hunting.

***Becoming content with the fact that my current situation isn’t my permanent situation. Unless I laze around and make it so.

Alright, so this was basically me calling myself out on my noise. Lashing out my demons and putting it in writing what I want to accomplish. I hope this inspires you to write yours, even if you keep it private. I hope it guides you and maintains your vision.

I’ll see you in 2019

A new wave

Caitlin xx

[mllemusketeer]

How I Met Jazz

I just finished a fuckton of awful grading. Have the next installment of the self-insert ‘verse. One day, I may even start posting this on Ao3....

So the story of how I, nerd by day, supernerd by night, wound up with Autobot protection ought to be told. Or at least part of it. It was mostly due to The Paper That Made Everyone Hate Me.

First of all, due to a series of increasingly implausible incidents, I published a paper that pissed off Megatron, bewildered Optimus, and enraged Ratchet—and my advisor, and a bunch of people in my field. Long story short, the field of bioethics is not a placid lake. Tempest in a teapot is closer to it. Tempest in a teapot with laser guns, now.

Technically, due to confidentiality and all, when a paper is in-press, people don’t share it widely; the reviewers aren’t supposed to chat about what they’re reviewing. But the journal I submitted the thing to has a digital submission portal and doesn’t take paper submissions, and anything digital, Jazz tells me, is something that Soundwave can get into. Nevermind that whatever system sent the paper to the reviewers may have been less secure than might be hoped.

Which I really wish I’d known to start with. Because the result was, about three weeks before I was supposed to find out whether the thing had been accepted or not, Megatron found out about the paper. A paper in which I’d quoted him. For which I’d interviewed him (long story, blame Sam Whitwicky, because who else). And blew a gasket.

So toward the end of June, when everything is just beginning to get unbearably hot and tempers (human and Cybertronian) are starting to fray, it comes to Optimus Prime’s attention that one of the human graduate students loosely associated with NEST (I’d gotten a base pass, very restricted, written and had the protocols for my research approved—just interviews, all temporary, had started the research proper, but was a significantly less august personage than the interns responsible for getting Starbucks) was getting Decepticon death threats. He wasn’t pleased. Never mind that Ratchet apparently was Reviewer #2 (no, you’re not supposed to find these things out, but since when has Ratchet been observant of rules when it doesn’t suit him? The answer, according to Jazz, is never...) on the paper, and was as about as delighted as Megatron about said paper. He was all too happy to give Prime the rest of the details, which, again, you’re not supposed to do. But there aren’t really rules for how to apply this when someone is at risk of becoming paté, so he got away with it.

From my perspective, it looked like this:

6 am on my fucking birthday: Decepticon death threat regarding the paper. Cell phone, email to every email address I owned, tumblr message, facebook message, twitter, everything. At the same goddamn time. Somehow overrode all the silent modes on my devices. My room was a hellstorm of cheery binging, beeping and clicking for about three minutes. That was worse than the stated intention to turn me into paste, really.

6:10 am to 11: contact advisor about what to do about death threat, chew fingernails, get very useless email back, shrug, contact police and the NEST representative, go teach class because lab won’t wait for death threats, and I am quite literally more scared of my lab coordinator than Megatron. Megatron doesn’t write my paychecks. I am a grad student and have fucked-up priorities, okay?

11 am: Get contacted by Optimus fucking Prime about the fucking paper (spot where my morning went to shit/off the rails. Base pass does not equal even seeing Optimus Prime. I was too far down the food chain for that.)

11:10 am: Get picked up by a bunch of really buff guys in a humvee, one of whom starts explaining the situation to me as if I’m four, come on dudes, I’m a grad student not an idiot…okay, fine, actually those things are the same.

12:35 pm: Arrive at Autobot base

12:55 pm: Spend 20 minutes kicking my heels in what looks like an office 40 feet off the ground while people stare at me, have yet to (I think) see an Autobot. (I was wrong, actually; it wasn’t a humvee, it was a Topkick, and it was Ironhide, and that one guy was just pretending to drive, and Ironhide snickered about this for weeks, because that’s absolutely the level of Ironhide’s sense of humor.)

1:00 pm: Call from angry lab coordinator for not showing up to teach lab, try to explain, dude in a suit shows up and offers to take the phone. Since I am now enduring the full blast of an outraged lab coordinator, I comply. It suddenly is a very short phone call. She even apologizes.

1:01 pm: Meet Optimus fucking Prime.

1:30 pm: Have a really excellent talk with Optimus fucking Prime about my paper; he really can learn everything about anything very quickly. Like, in an hour.

2:00 pm: Finish substantially less excellent talk about the fact that me becoming paté is a serious risk, and what the hell did I do? Also, he is a little taken aback I’m not involved more with the Autobot/human research initiative; he thinks I should be much more involved, not just a visitor. It’s a very promising paper, he says, though unnerving.

2:01 pm: Pause.

2:02 pm: Ask Optimus fucking Prime if he could be the co-chair of my committee.

2:03 pm: HE SAID YES.

2:15 pm: SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT SHIT DID I DO THAT SHIT FUCK DAMMIT WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF I AM REALLY NOT GOOD ENOUGH SHIT FUCK DAMMIT SHIT SHIT SHIT HE’LL HATE MY WRITING SHIT

2:30 pm: FUCK FUCK FUCK GAAAAAH HOW DO I TELL MY ADVISOR

2:45 pm: FUCK FUCK SHIT BUGGER DAMN 

2:50 pm: why do I do this to myself

3:00 pm: Okay he looks like he’s finishing up oh shit did he just ask a question what did he ask quick nod look like you understand

3:00 pm: Wait shit what does he mean, someone to keep an eye on me, am I getting a bodyguard dammit should not have zoned out in front of the new chair of my committee

3:10 pm: Met Jazz.

It didn’t go well.

The discussion between Optimus and Prowl about who it would be best to assign to keep an eye on me took place that morning; Jazz had been told about it about twenty minutes before he met me, and he was not pleased. He had things to be doing. Important, Megatron-irritating things. Babysitting was none of the above.

Besides, that last prank he’d pulled with Sunny and Sides hadn’t really been that bad.

He looked down at me. I looked up at him.

“I’ll leave you two to get acquainted,” said Optimus, and left.

Silence.

“Well,” said Jazz, “I suppose if Bumblebee can manage with Sam…”

I had not met Bumblebee and had no idea what Sam he was talking about at this point, so the sentence made no sense to me. I just stared at him.

“So,” he said, flopping on a pile of shipping containers arranged in a roughly Cybertronian sized chair shape, “what do you do for fun?”

Which was where things really went downhill.

For fun? I stay in and write. Or I go for a walk. Or I cook, or sew. I go camping. I go hiking. I do not, in fact, do basically anything that counts in Jazz’s book as fun. Except swing dancing. Erratically. And badly. But he perked up like nobody’s business when I mentioned it. Going exploring, yes, that was pretty okay, we’d be doing a lot of that if I wanted to come along on his (safer) patrols. Other than that? Nothing.

It’s quite an experience to watch 15ish feet of robot sort of deflate. To be fair, Jazz, though not pleased with the situation, was resolved to make the best of it. But I’d just told him that the best of it wasn’t going to be all that fun. And I was feeling guilty because look, I hadn’t meant to piss the giant destructive robot dictator off, it had just sort of happened. I mean, no one expects giant robot dictators to read the bioethical literature, that’s well outside the job description! I’d not only pissed Megatron off, but I’d chosen literally the most boring way to do it and now this nice big robot was looking at me like I tended to look at iceburg lettuce—with a sort of resigned determination to do what was polite (in my case, eat the flavorless, useless vegetable; in Jazz’s case, interact with someone who seemed to him to be the human equivalent). God. This was going to be horrible and boring for both of us.

We both turned out to be wrong about that, as it turns out. Eventually.

[birlcholtz]

for the better

read it on Ao3 (part of the Zimbits Airport AU-verse) (I would recommend reading this on Ao3, actually, because of the formatting, but it’s here too for convenience) (also let me know if the link doesn’t work? bc i’m not 100% sure about it)

Jack’s been planning this day for a long time now. He even made a Twitter account for it, two months ago, and tweeted occasionally to build up a following (it was easier once he got that little check mark thing next to his handle). He has a few thousand followers, which is enough to get the message out, and he even has his tweet drafted.

The first draft of it was ‘hello everyone, I just wanted you to know that I am bisexual.’ Tater had taken one look at that and vetoed it. With every extra revision Jack suggested (adding an exclamation point, saying ‘you all’ instead of ‘you,’ et cetera, et cetera, et cetera), Tater had still shaken his head. So Jack took it to Georgia.

“I mean... it’s okay,” George had said, furrowing her brow at the screen. “It’s a little terse, though.”

“But I don’t need to say anything else to get the point across, do I?”

“Well, no. But it’s still very detached.”

Still, after a lot of reworking (and, okay, George does scrap that entire thing and make him start from scratch), they come up with something acceptable. Something that Jack might even say is good.

And then it all gets ruined at the last moment.

Monday morning at around ten o’clock (he’s been given the day off from practice to sort everything out), Jack opens up his Twitter account, intending to post the string of tweets that he and George have planned out, but the first thing he sees is a tweet from Kent.

Kent V. Parson @kparse

tired of all the marriage proposals from women, so i’m just gonna say it: i am both gay af and not taking offers of marriage at this time

Kent V. Parson @kparse

#sorrynotsorry for stealing ur thunder @jlzimmermann

Jack sighs and texts Georgia before composing a tweet as well.

Jack Zimmermann @jlzimmermann

disappointed in @kparse for ruining my announcement

Jack Zimmermann @jlzimmermann

he *did* already know i was going to come out as bi today, so this is quite rude

And then he leaves it like that and texts Georgia that he’s already gone ahead with the plan. She still hasn’t replied to the first one, so she’s probably either working out or so exasperated with him that she’s just decided not to reply. He also silences his phone, then texts Bitty, who’s back at Samwell.

Jack: I did it.

Bitty: congratulations!! <3 on twitter?

Jack: Yeah.

Bitty: you seem kind of put out?

Jack: Kent Parson came out before I did.

Bitty: hold on i’m going on twitter rn

Jack waits for a little while, long enough for Bitty to plausibly have read both Kent’s and his tweets, and then sends a text back.

Jack: Very rude of him. Now I can’t even be the first out player in the NHL.

Jack: That’s probably why he did it, to be honest. He likes being first.

Bitty: it might also work well for u, though

Bitty: take away some of the backlash maybe?

Jack: That’s true, but it doesn’t mean I can’t still be annoyed at him.

Bitty: yeah ofc, i would be too

Bitty: anyway i gtg to class so i’ll ttyl, take care of urself today ok?

Jack: Yeah.

Bitty: text me if u need anything, have a good day <3

Jack: You too <3

Bitty: :)

Georgia calls him about half an hour later and outlines the steps that the Falconers’ management are going to take, then promises to text him when they’ve released their statement and makes him promise to take care of himself today, just like Bitty. She also requests that he leave the apartment as little as possible, preferably not at all, so reporters don’t try to corner him in public. No sooner has she said goodbye and hung up than Jack hears knocking on his door. A glance through the peephole reveals it to be Snowy, Tater, and a case of beer, and he opens the door.

“Good job today, Zimmboni,” Tater says as soon as the door opens, shoving the beer into Snowy’s hands so that he can hug Jack. “Poots said to tell you he is proud. He is with trainer, pinched nerve. He will be here soon.”

“Everyone else is scrimmaging, or at least they were when we left,” Snowy adds as Tater releases Jack and steps past him into the apartment. “I don’t know if they saw us leaving and decided to let it go or genuinely didn’t notice.”

“They’re welcome to come over too once practice is over,” Jack says, stepping back to let Snowy in and then shutting the door. “But not before they’ve showered. Also, they should bring their own beer. I don’t have enough.”

Snowy nods. “I’ll text them.” He pulls out his phone and texts the rest of the Falconers, but then checks on something else and bursts out laughing.

“What?”

“Parson started a hashtag.”

“A hashtag?”

“Yup. A fucking hashtag.” Snowy shows Jack his phone screen.

Kent V. Parson @kparse

@jlzimmermann It had to be done. #StealJacksThunder

“Great,” Jack sighs.

“But that’s not all.”

“There’s more?”

Tater pokes his head out of the kitchen. “You are talking about hashtag, yes? Many people are using it.”

“Like who?” Jack asks. “And what are they doing with it?”

“Rob Jeffries from the Schooners did,” Snowy says before Tater can answer. “Jack, just check Twitter for yourself. There’s way too many of these for me to tell you all of them.”

Jack does.

“Holy shit,” he mumbles.

Rob Jeffries @rjeffriesnhl

@jlzimmermann Sorry, man. I’m bi too #StealJacksThunder

Las Vegas Aces @lasvegasaces

Proud of @kparse for starting his own hashtag. The Aces organization supports players no matter their orientation #StealJacksThunder

Aleks Olsen @aleksolsen

maybe not first out LGBTQ+ NHL player in league, but am first on Oilers & officially first out aro/ace NHL player #StealJacksThunder

Providence Falconers @pvdfalconers

The Falconers organization stands with & supports our LGBTQ+ players. Congrats @jlzimmermann for starting this whole thing

Las Vegas Aces @lasvegasaces

@pvdfalconers Excuse you, @kparse came out first

Providence Falconers @pvdfalconers

@lasvegasaces Excuse *you*, it was @jlzimmermann ‘s idea. Don’t try to #StealJacksThunder on our watch!

Besides the team Twitter accounts bickering with each other, it just goes on and on and on— NHL players deciding, on the spur of the moment, to come out on Twitter, and all of them using that same hashtag. The one that makes Jack almost drop his phone, though, is a string of tweets from someone he knows very well.

Bob Zimmermann @mrbadbob

Extremely proud of my son @jlzimmermann for having the courage to show the world who he is. Cannot fully express how happy I am for him

Bob Zimmermann @mrbadbob

There were LGBTQ+ players when I was in the NHL, there always have & always will be & now we are free to be ourselves

Bob Zimmermann @mrbadbob

& say what you like @kparse but @jlzimmermann started this, u just made a hashtag :P

Bob Zimmermann @mrbadbob

I’m almost done I just have one more thing to say, and that is: sorry, son, I’m pansexual #StealJacksThunder

Jack looks up slowly, aware that both Snowy and Tater are staring at him. “My dad just came out as pan on Twitter. And he used the goddamn hashtag.”

“I love your dad,” Snowy says as Tater howls with laughter. “Oh, that reminds me.” He taps at his phone, and when he turns it off and puts it back in his pocket Jack checks his own— sure enough, Snowy has mentioned him in a tweet.

Aiden Snow @asnowynhl

@jlzimmermann im gay #StealJacksThunder #sorryjack

“God damn it, Snowy.” Jack doesn’t mention that as far as he knew, Snowy wasn’t out to anyone— him included— before just now. Maybe saying it through a screen is easier for him.

“At least I apologized in the tweet,” Snowy says. “Let’s open that beer, I suddenly have a need for one.”

They do pretty much nothing for the rest of the late morning and afternoon. Poots arrives about an hour after Snowy and Tater did, and the rest of the team barrels in through the door at around four, which is before practice was supposed to end. Jack doesn’t ask. They have, in fact, showered and brought their own alcohol. Jack turns on the TV and somehow finds his way to a TV show about hunting sasquatches, which works well as background noise, and every so often someone pulls out their phone and announces the latest NHL or ex-NHL player to have come out via Twitter. It’s an impressive list.

When there’s another knock on the door a little after six-thirty, Jack looks around, confused. Practically the entire roster is here, except Socks, who’s got a mild concussion and is staying home. Regardless, he gets up to answer it.

“Jack!” Bitty cries once the door opens, practically glomming onto him like a koala and wrapping his arms around Jack’s neck. “I saw the hashtag, and all the players, and your dad— how are you doing?”

“Okay, considering,” Jack says, holding Bitty up with one hand while he closes the door with the other. “I’ve only been looking at the hashtag, haven’t checked any of my mentions.”

“That’s probably smart,” Bitty says. “You can put me down.”

“Do you want me to put you down?”

Bitty considers. “Not really, but my arms are going to start hurting if I keep dangling off of you like this.”

Jack swings Bitty’s legs up so he’s in bridal style. “Better?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Fine, Zimmboni,” Tater shouts from the living room.

“How do you know I’m committing a fineable offense?” Jack yells back.

“Is obvious. Bitty is here.”

“Fair enough.”

Just then, a sasquatch-y howl emits from the other room— probably the TV. Bitty raises one eyebrow. “What on earth was that?”

“We’re watching a TV show on locating Bigfoot,” Jack says by way of explanation. “It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and the reenactments are awful but it’s a pretty good distraction.”

“We? How many people do you— don’t tell me, the entire Falconers roster.”

“Yeah. Except Socks— Sokolov. He’s staying home because of a concussion.”

“I must say I never took you for a partier, Mr. Zimmermann,” Bitty says, smiling up at him. “We’re just learning more and more about each other every day, aren’t we?”

“Oh, yeah. Friday evening I learned your deepest, darkest secrets, Saturday I learned how good of a baker you are, Sunday I learned your favorite color, and here we are now. Seems to me we’re doing things in reverse order.”

“Who said there had to be an order?”

“That’s true.”

Bitty nods towards the living room. “Let’s go that way. I want to see this sasquatch-hunting TV show.”

“As you wish.”

[lovegambled]

"I've got a little secret, i’m going to see her." YIKES

@shotfierce

immediately, nikolai’s face turned a furious red, and his hands balled into fists at his sides. he wanted to fight, to just SWING at fedya and see where it led. what did it matter now? sonya was gone, along with the rostov family fortune, and somehow, nikolai was still made out to be the bad guy in all of it. his reputation could hardly get worse; it’s not like there were any foreseeable downsides to hitting dolokhov, getting shot, and being done with the whole thing.

but, of course, that’s not what nikolai did.

“why are you telling me?“ he spoke through clenched teeth, trying his best to hold back his tears as his thumbs dug into his thighs through his uniform pants. “you won. GREAT. she loves you. now leave me alone.“

[bthenoise]

52 Final Vans Warped Tour Memories From Crown The Empire, The Amity Affliction, Wage War, Movements, Trash Boat & More

As you probably already know by now and have actually been dreading for months, the Vans Warped Tour is officially over. And no, not just over like it’s done for summer. The Vans Warped Tour is dead and it’s never coming back.

That’s right, after 24 incredible years out on the road, Kevin Lyman’s historic punk rock summer camp has unfortunately come to an end. And now, rather than telling you just how sad we are about all of this (because trust us, we can), instead, we’re going to take this opportunity to look back at the final year of Warped Tour.

While out the last ever date in West Palm Beach, FL, we were able to catch up with a few bands to learn all about their best and worst moments on Warped as well as who they unexpectedly became friends with. To see what artists like Crown The Empire, Wage War, Movements, This Wild Life, Reel Big Fish and so many more had to say about the final run of the Vans Warped Tour, be sure to see below. Afterward, for more Warped coverage, head here.

Andy Leo - Crown The Empire

Best Moment: Best moment on Warped Tour for me? I’d say last night. I think everyone knew that the end was close and that we could all let loose. There was like a Hard Rock Hotel & Casino next door [so] we all walked over there and no one seems to remember what happened [laughs]. But we all made it back in one piece, so it’s okay.

Worst Moment: I totally fell and ate shit on stage. There was a puddle [and] I went down hard. I was on my back, and you know, you just have to accept your fate at that point. So I just laid there and then my guitar player mounted me and just played the rest of the song and I was like, “This is my life.”

Unexpected Friendship: I think we’re clicky [laughs]. Are we like high school kids? [We hung out with] Palaye Royale mostly, the Issues guys a little bit and that’s pretty much it. Oh, you know what? Unearth, the guys from Unearth. I never thought I would ever become friends with them. Buz [McGrath, guitarist] comes up and we hang out and drink and he talks about his 10-year-old kid and stuff and I’m like, “This is weird, this is crazy!” But he goes harder than all of us, so that was a cool one.

Final Words To Warped Tour: We had a good run. A lot of sunscreen, a lot of sunburnt emos and hopefully something else comes back. Something new we can all hop on and hang out again.

Kevin Jordan - This Wild Life

Best Moment: Watching The Maine play because they’re the best band on the tour.

Worst Moment: The worst moment of Warped Tour was in Maryland when I was sick. I was skating to stage in the morning and I ate shit on a giant crack and separated my shoulder.

Unexpected Friendship: Real Friends because [their guitarist] Dave Knox moved out of Phoenix right when the tour started and it broke my goddamn heart but we remained friends nevertheless.

Final Words To Warped Tour: My last words to Warped Tour are thank you for all the memories as both a fan and a band. Thank you for being a platform for alternative music, punk music and for any dork that wanted to go watch bands or any dork that wanted to be in a band that could never make it to Coachella [laughs]. Here we are.

Jake Taylor - In Hearts Wake

Best Moment: My best moment would have to be riding the boat with our koala and the goblin from Nekrogoblikon. 

Worst Moment: About 30 seconds later when the goblin and myself and the Koala all fell. It was pretty funny, but it was pretty bad [laughs].

Unexpected Friendship: I mean, I rode the boat with the goblin. So yeah, I didn’t expect to become friends with a goblin [laughs].

Final Words To Warped Tour: It was incredible to be a part of two Warped Tours. It’s been 25 years of Warped and it’s done so much for the community -- for heavy music, punk, hardcore, rock -- and it’s the last ever punk rock summer camp. The last day ever. I’m honored to be a part of it and I’m also ready, I think the whole Warped feels ready, to shed the skin and create something new.

Ahren Stringer - The Amity Affliction

Best Moment: Probably today ‘cause it’s over [laughs]. We’ve done three so I’m well-versed. It’s sad. It’s bittersweet [and] it’s always fun. But yeah, I’m ready to go home [laughs].

Worst Moment: Probably today. Like I said, it’s bittersweet. I can’t really think of anything bad that’s happened on this tour. It’s been super easy so we’re just stoked to be a part of it and sad it’s over, but also glad.

Unexpected Friendship: Probably Kublai Khan. They’re homies for life now. Really good band, super cool dudes. Yeah, we love them to death.

Final Words To Warped Tour: Thanks for having us, hope you had the time of your life [laughs].

Matt Honeycutt - Kublai Khan

Best Moment: The best moment of the whole thing happened before the tour [which was] finding out we were even going to be a part of it and get an opportunity to do it. 

Worst Moment: I ran merch for our band so [the worst moment was] when people forget to bring me my dinner. It’s like nothing really bothers me -- we’re doing this tour in a van [and] our trailer broke in San Antonio but we’re used to doing straight van tours so it's not too big of a deal -- but [not] eating is the one thing that bothers me. If I can’t eat I get real irritable. It happened today too at lunch. Nobody brought me my lunch and they brought over this delicious food and I’m like, “What the hell?! I’m the one sitting here. You’re not gonna bring my lunch?”   

Unexpected Friendship: The Amity Affliction. Probably like the first or second day -- their tour manager, we toured with his band when we went to New Zealand so I’ve known him for a long time. He’s really cool. So we got to talking and he does MMA stuff so he asked, “Oh yeah, we’re gonna do some fitness stuff if you want to join” and I was like “Yeah, cool.” And he was like, “Joel is gonna join us” and I didn't think anything of it ‘cause I didn’t know who Joel was but he’s the singer of The Amity Affliction and he worked out with us. And it was cool ‘cause he acted like we knew each other forever [and] once they found out we’re in a van, probably two or three times a week, they let me sleep on their bus. I always find myself hanging out with them and even today we took a final photo and it was just our band, their band and Deez Nuts from Australia. Definitely didn’t expect to be friends with them ‘cause we’re absolutely nothing alike but they turned out to be some of my best friends.      

Final Words To Warped Tour: It’s one of those things, I’ve only been to two Warped Tours in my life. And I was very vocal about the fact, the last [Warped] I went to was 11 years ago, and I said I’d never go back because of the heat, the people and all that shit. And I’m not real good in social situations like this but I said, “Unless we’re playing it, I’m not going back.” And honestly, it’s been the best summer I’ve ever had. A lot of memories and benchmarks have been set and achieved. I’m just happy to be here. I’m happy it went well. As sad as I am to leave it, there isn’t any better way to have done it.   

Tobi Duncan - Trash Boat 

Best Moment:  Probably Chicago. The Chicago show was just like stupid good. It was as good as some of our UK shows back home and it just shows that we can have crowds that we’ve seen and we’ve come to expect in the UK in America, which is just insane.

Worst Moment: You know what’s coming with the worst moment. It has to be the four days we spent in the desert when our busses kept breaking down. But I’ll say the worst of the worst, like the pinnacle bad moment of that whole experience, was seeing all of our friends’ bands posting pictures to their Twitter and Instagram of them hanging out with puppies at the shows that we missed. We were stuck in the desert like, “Of course that’s the puppy day! Why would the puppy day be any other day than the day that we missed?” [laughs]

Unexpected Friendship: I mean only unexpectedly in the sense that we just didn’t know that they existed -- we made pretty good friends with the guys in Capstan. We’d never heard of them before and they just kind of appeared on our stage halfway through the tour and we clicked. They’re cool guys.

Final Words To Warped Tour: I feel like a bunch of people are going to have a lot more heartfelt sendoffs. Tour blues are already hitting me and I’m struggling to grasp the scope of how big this tour is and how much it means to so many people. I’ve seen so many people uploading pictures of their old tour passes from like 10-15 years ago, like bundles of five or six of them, so it means a crazy amount to us and we’ve only done it once. We’re gonna miss it so much ‘cause just these six weeks have shown us this huge community and family vibe and yeah, we’re gonna miss it loads. So for people who have done this more than once, I can’t even imagine how they’re feeling about it. It’s going to be a big hole in the American touring scene and I just wonder how its gonna get filled. We’re gonna miss it.

Chris Gaylord & Stephen Kluesener - Wage War

Best Moment:

Chris: The best moment for me was Hartford, Connecticut. I had a bunch of my family there, my girlfriend flew out. We played probably one of the biggest shows we’ve ever played. It was one of those special shows you’ll never forget. 

Stephen: Probably Orlando. Same deal, hometown show. I had friends and family out and we played at noon before the rain hit so that was a beautiful thing.

Worst Moment:

Chris: This morning I had to go get our ice and it was this huge bag of ice and right as I was about to put it on our dolly, I dropped it on the ground just to break it up a bit and it just smashed all over the place right in front of Kevin Lyman. He kinda looked me up and down, laughed a little bit and he just goes, “Last day!” [laughs] 

Stephen: Probably Vegas pushing our dummy cabs three blocks to the venue in 110-degree weather through the Vegas Strip. Yeah, that's gotta be my worst moment. 

Unexpected Friendship:

Chris: I’d say, Kublai Khan. We had met Eric their bass player on previous tours but we had never met any of the rest of them before or toured with them and we became pretty close friends with them on this tour.

Stephen: I had no idea I’d be friends with Issues. I mean, those guys are great and we played one show with them a year ago but we didn’t get much time to meet up with them. We’ve had a lot more time this summer and they play a lot of video games and so do we. So that’s how we got to know each other. 

Final Words To Warped Tour:

Chris: Sad to see it go. This is definitely a tour that has changed my life for the better. It inspired me when I was growing up to be a musician and be out here doing my thing in front of a bunch of other people. I feel like it’s done a lot not only for the music scene but for people in general to feel a sense of community for people who otherwise might be considered an outsider or are struggling with depression or whatever. It’s really like a no judgment zone out here. There are all types of people from all types of backgrounds. There’s metal kids, acoustic kids, there are the kids who like rap. I’m sad to see it go ‘cause I don’t know if you’ll ever see another running festival like this again where all these different types of bands play together. Thank you Kevin Lyman for doing everything you’ve done in the past. Sorry it has to end, hopefully we’ll have something cool to take its place soon.      

Stephen: I can’t really add anything except for the fact that it sucks that we’re seeing -- of course, all the bands aren’t gonna get together like this ever again -- but also the other tents like Hope For A Day, A Voice For The Innocent, Heart Support. You know, a lot of kids come here and find their safe haven in those organizations and they find support and it sucks they don’t have that outlet anymore. All I can say is thank you Kevin for the opportunities. 2016 and 2018 were definitely memorable summers for us so thank you.    

Rory Rodriguez, Mike Karle & Ramone Valerio - Dayseeker

Best Moment:

Rory: The Warped prom was a pretty good time -- seeing the goblin win prom king. And then we took a big crazy photo with a lot of the other bands, it was a lot of fun. Also, in Chicago, we unexpectedly had a really good crowd and our signing lasted too long -- it was a good time.   

Mike: There were a handful of best moments. Specific shows in Maryland, Toronto, Denver, and Chicago would probably be my top four best moments.   

Ramone: The day of Warped prom, we got to go to a theme park for free. It was pretty dead, the theme park wasn’t packed, so we got to go on all the rides in a matter of an hour, so that was fun. 

Worst Moment:

Rory: In St. Loius. There was something about the weather combo of the humidity and the temperature. It was one of the only times in my life I felt like I was kinda close to passing out while we’re playing.   

Mike: Probably at the end of the first day, day zero, and we didn’t even play that day and I was dead exhausted [already] and I didn’t even know if I was gonna make it through Warped Tour. 

Ramone:  My worst moment, it was kinda like a “stay calm” moment for me, was getting left at a gas station with no phone or wallet in the middle of the night. I just stayed calm [and told myself], “It’s gonna be fine.” It was just like, “Fuck what am I gonna do?” I went to go pee and I don’t think our driver saw me leave the van. [Actually], he saw me but he forgot and got carried away. Eventually, he came back like 20 minutes later.

Unexpected Friendship:

Rory: Nekrogoblikon. It was just funny-- a satirical metal band. They’re all super nice. It’s crazy to hear about what bands they used to be in and play for before.  

Mike: I guess the guys from Don Broco. Yeah, we listened to them a lot before Warped Tour and liked their music a ton and now we’ve become pals.

Ramone: Chelsea Grin, Crown The Empire and Wage War. I listen to all those bands so it’s kinda cool to hang out casually day by day and shoot the shit. So that’s been a really cool experience.

Final Words To Warped Tour:

Rory: Really excited we got to be a part of it. It’s an honor. It’s sad that’s it’s over but cool to be a part of this one.

Mike: Super thankful and grateful to be a part of this tour as a smaller band. It’s been an amazing platform for us to play to people who haven’t heard of us before. It’s an awesome opportunity. We’re super thankful.

Ramone: Thank you for letting us be a part of it. It’s been quite the experience and it’s been fun. A lot of work but it's definitely worth it playing on stage and getting all these killer crowds every day. 

Patrick Miranda - Movements

Best Moment: Best moment of Warped Tour was definitely, I think, all of our sets. All of the really awesome sets we got to play like Pomona, Boston, Chicago -- the shows that were huge and that feeling of being a main-stage band finally. That was so, so fucking cool for me.

Worst Moment: Accidentally shaving my head bald, that sucked. For anyone who’s reading this that knows, it was not on purpose. Yeah, it sucked. It’s a long story but that was the worst part of my Warped Tour.

Unexpected Friendship: Honestly, Simple Plan. That’s one of those bands I have looked up to for so long and one of those bands who’s been really, really influential for me growing up. And now every time I see Pierre just riding around on his little mini-bike -- like we bonded over the fact that we both have little mini-dirt bikes -- and every time I see him roaming around its like, “Yo what’s up dude?” I eat lunch with him sometimes. It’s really fucking cool. Those guys are very sick so I’m really happy I got to be friends with them.

Final Words To Warped Tour:  I’m so grateful for the opportunities that I’ve been given to be here. I’m so happy I got to be a part of this. I’m really gonna miss Warped Tour but I’m excited for the future. I’m excited to see what comes and either takes its place or maybe someday it makes a comeback. We’ll find out, but I’m just happy I got to be here.

Johnny Christmas - Reel Big Fish

Best Moment: Yesterday, we had a girl come up to us during an autograph signing and said, “I was in this terrible car accident a couple years ago and my family played me Reel Big Fish while I was in a coma” and she was all “I woke up listening to Reel Big Fish from my coma and I was surrounded by my family.” And I was all like, “I’m gon, I’m gon, I’m gon, I’m gonna cryyyyyy!” It was so beautiful that we have that impact, and this goes for every one of these bands that’s out here. It’s that you are the heart in the heartless world. You are people’s emotional processors and what we do is really really special and that was my greatest memory so far.

Worst Moment: There haven’t been any. The hardest thing on this tour for me is five bands playing at one time and not being able to get an ounce of quiet, that’s really the hardest thing for me to deal with day in and day out. I love all these bands but hearing five bands all play at once is exhausting on my psyche.

Unexpected Friendship: Nekrogoblikon. I mean it was so -- we had no idea, we heard that this band was like theatrical, haunted house metal and they have a goblin. And so we all went out there and watched them. They are all super musicians and all super nice guys. We were also friends with Twiztid which was really surprising. We got to watch those guys and hang out with them. They’re a sweet bunch of gentlemen and it was a real pleasure.

Final Words To Warped Tour: We’re gonna miss ya. This is such a special thing we’ve been doing for 22 years or so and this is a people’s festival. This festival comes to the people, it doesn’t cost a lot and you see so many great bands that you may never have seen before. Like you get to see Reel Big Fish, you get to see Nekrogoblikon, you get to see Tatiana DeMaria, or Less Than Jake or We The Kings -- all of these really fantastic bands and all on stages that you might never see them on again. Like Don Broco, you’re never going to see that band on a little tiny stage again. I think they’re playing Wembley Stadium when they go come, which is crazy it’s awesome. I got to see them on this little tiny stage, I got to see them in Atlanta on the main stage in the rain as the whole place was being evacuated. It was tremendous. Don’t give up on these bands. These bands that you love that you’ve seen out here at the Warped Tour, don’t give up on them. Go see their regular show. Just because you can’t go to the Warped Tour doesn’t mean you can’t go see live music. There will be other forms of the Warped Tour. It’s not going away completely. There’s no way it’s going away completely. But the traveling, the 40 days, that will go away. But there will be cruises, there will be other stationary shows, I bet. If you guys come back, we’ll come back and we would love to do it again. We’ll miss ya.

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