#…i just didn’t open my ig app for that amount of time.

[deus-ex-mona]

mfw my self rbs stopped showing up in my notification things

[flooffybits]

Bump in the Road

Idol: Loona

marshmallow: Hi! I really love your works and ur one of my favorite writers in this app🥺 I'm not sure if request are open or not. But can I request loona 13th member maknae having a special stage performance (with other idols) for MAMA. And she's so nervous and not satisfied with her dance. And she keeps messing up due to how nervous she is. And she struggles to manage herself due to their heavy schedules that would end late at night, her homeworks and her dance practice with the choreographer making her overworked and eventually passing out in the practice room. If it's too hard for you. It's okay ig🥺♥️ It's been on my mind 24/7 

A/n: i was honestly not sure which song to pick at first but this seemed fitting. also i apologize for the delay and i hope you like it!

Word count: 4.8k

☕buy me a coffee☕

Being an idol didn’t mean you stopped feeling starstruck whenever you were in the presence of other idols. As a matter of fact, it’s because you’re an idol that gets the chance of meeting others in real life that makes you even more nervous when you step into the practice room your manager directed you to.

Your members couldn’t come with you due to their own schedules, but they all wished you well for your preparation in your special stage for MAMA. You were a nervous wreck being around Itzy’s very own Choi Jisu and then (G)I-dle’s Nicha Yontararak due to them being your seniors, but you were even more nervous when you were fully introduced, Weeekly’s Park Soeun coming a little later than she intended and darn was her energy overwhelming you.

They were all very friendly, but given the fact that you were the youngest in this little unit made you squirm, sitting a little farther away before Jisu noticed.

“Y/n, come on, we’re not going to bite you.” She giggled while waving you over, noting the awkward air around you. “Lia is right, there’s no need to be so shy.” Nicha agreed with a kind smile. “If you want, we can just sit and talk before actually discussing the distribution and choreography.” You shift a little closer to Soeun as she happily beams at you.

“I promised the unnies that I would take care of you, so don’t worry.” Soeun tells you, throwing her arm around your shoulders once you were near enough and pulling you into a warm hug. “Sorry, I’m just… a little nervous.” You tell them and Jisu coos before poking your cheek. "Hey, we're all friends here. There's no need for that." She says in an attempt to cheer you up, but it does little in easing your concerns.

There were a whole lot of expectations on your shoulders due to this performance, but aside from that, you had upcoming tests to think about, too. Thinking about the amount of homework and studying you had piling up, you weren't sure if you would be able to do a good job with this.

But you're able to put those on pause as you begin to practice with the other three idols. The steps weren't new, you already recall most of the parts since you've watched Blackpink's performance a handful of times. But that didn't mean it was always easy.

"Welcome home! How was practice today?" Chaewon was the first to greet you with a smile as soon as you trudged into the dorms, exhausted after a long day. "It was fine, we're almost done." You reply as you take off your shoes and change into your house slippers.

"You look tired." Jinsol notes with a pout when she sees your posture. Though she has bad posture herself, she knows that you were always making sure to fix your own. This time though, she sees the way your shoulders are hunched, your bag strapped to only one, making it droop lower than the other.

With a weak smile, you wave off her concern as you head for your room. "I'm okay, just going to clean up and then do some last minute studying." You inform them, making the older woman's pout deepen whilst Chaewon only frowned. "Be sure to get some sleep." She tells you and you can't help but giggle a little. "Says the one who stays up until four in the morning."

"Hey!"

With one quick goodnight, you enter your room and change into more comfortable clothing before hopping into bed. With your desk lamp turned on, you cast your eyes around the room and smile a little to yourself when you see your roommates all sleeping peacefully in their beds. With that in mind, you keep any possible sound to a minimum as you start on your homeworks.

Since some of them aren't due for a while, you prioritized the ones that had a closer due date. Though you do get stuck on a few of them, especially with your essays since you weren't too sure about your grammar.

You don't even notice the rustling of the sheets from across your bed or the figure peeking out. You only know that someone's awake once your bed dips and a warm body presses against your side, nuzzling your shoulder.

"What are you still doing up?" You hear the sleepy voice ask, her eyes still shut as she laid her head against your shoulder. "I'm just finishing some homework, unnie." You say quietly, gently petting her hair as you lean into her.

Though her warmth was tempting, you quickly turned your eyes back on your papers while she pulled you impossibly closer. "It's late and you had practice the whole day." She mumbles into your shoulder and you hum in agreement before answering. "I'm almost done with this. I'll finish the others tomorrow." She makes a noise of content, though doesn't move to leave your bed.

While you hurriedly finish off your homework and put your materials away, you take a peek at the girl beside you before giggling and then turning your lamp off. She wakes a little at the movement but when she sees that you're getting ready for bed, she only smiles before snuggling closer to you. There's a mumbled goodnight from her and you close your eyes while allowing her to wrap herself around you.

"Goodnight, Yerim unnie."

..

"Unnie, I have to get going." You complain when Haseul continues to fuss over you, her brows pinched together as she made sure you had everything. "I just want to be sure that you have everything." The leader explained while checking over your homework.

When she deems it okay, she finally hands them back before patting your head as Kahei hands you a lunchbox. "Good luck today and don't push yourself too hard, alright?" You give them a tiny little salute before turning to leave the kitchen, only to collide into another person.

"You're leaving already?" You're held by the shoulders to not lose your balance by the group's resident rabbit. Heejin looks at you with a smile and you mirror it with a nod. "I don't want to be late for school, unnie." You answer and she purses her lips a little before nodding her head in understanding. "You have to head straight to practice after, right?"

When you nod one more time, she sighs before taking your hand and bringing you back to your shared room. "Uh, unnie?" You call out and she only opens up the box she has beside her bed before slipping a few packs of bread inside your bag.

"I'll try to come and visit you later to make sure you eat. Lip unnie said that you shouldn't be skipping meals so I'm making sure you have something to eat in between breaks." The first girl explained and you can't help but smile at your members' thoughtfulness. "Thank you, unnie."

Heejin lets you go with a big hug and the rest of your members present at the dorm all bid you farewell when you exit the dorms.

You're able to keep the smile on your face for a good portion of the day. But halfway through your classes, you start to feel your exhaustion taking its toll on your body when you can barely keep your eyes open.

Every class is like a battle of pure will when your pen starts to slow down in its note taking and you have to force your eyes to stay open. Though when the bell rings to indicate that your class is over, you jump a little, startled awake and forcing you to look up at the board.

People were already exiting the room, and when you look at the time, you move out of your seat to gather your things before heading out. Given you didn't have that many friends at school since Yeojin graduated.

It wasn't as though she were your only friend, but since the incident at your last school, you weren't particularly quick to be friends with others. Most of the friends you made were a year older and have left, but you did have at least three people you considered friends in your class.

You were just far too busy to get to talk to them at the moment with your tight schedules.

"Y/n!"

A squeak comes from you when someone calls your name, the sound of a car honking accompanies it. Looking behind you, you see Hyunjin waving happily at you with Jiwoo next to her. They're both grinning and waving you over.

"What are you guys doing here?" You ask curiously and Hyunjin opens the door for you to hop in. "We came to pick you up. Let's go, you don't want to be late." Hyunjin says when she takes your bag as Jiwoo reaches over to hug you, overly excited as she gives you a little shake.

Hyunjin makes a face, given she's stuck in the middle before pulling you both apart. "I'm right here!" She complained and you beam before pressing a kiss to her cheek. The cat gives you a push, but you can see the way she tries to fight off her smile.

"You guys didn't have to come all the way here." You tell them and Hyunjin ruffles your hair whilst Jiwoo pouts. "But we wanted to! You've been very busy and we wanted to see how you were." The older woman explained before pointing at your manager. "Oppa said we could drop you off but we can't stay too long."

Hyunjin pats her arm in a comforting manner while the man in the front chuckled. "I told you already, you have your own schedule today." He reminds and Jiwoo groans in protest. "But my maknae!"

"Our." Hyunjin promptly corrects, making laughter bubble from your throat. "It's not fair though! Ten minutes isn't going to hurt anyone!" Jiwoo went on and your manager could only sigh while shaking his head. "You know the rules, Chuu."

But said woman only huffs in disdain before turning to you. "Can't you make him?" She pleads and you coo a little at her expression before reluctantly denying her request. "Unnie, you're gonna see the performance eventually."

"Plus, maknae is going to be home later so it's not like you won't see her again." Hyunjin adds, though she admittedly did want to spend a little more time with you. "But she always comes home when I'm sleeping. Choerry only woke up that one time and got to cuddle."

You smile softly at the older girl before taking her hand as you rest your head on Hyunjin's shoulder. "I'll go to your bed tonight. How does that sound?"

By the way her whole face lit up, she was more than okay with that offer.

..

"Are you alright, Y/n?" You look behind you when Nicha comes walking over, a worried look on her features after she's noticed how you were constantly reviewing your practice. "Yeah, I was just checking to see if I could improve anything, unnie." You explain with a puff of air. "I feel like I need to practice a little more."

She blinks at your words before crouching down to place a gentle hand on your shoulder. "Take a deep breath for me." She suddenly instructed and you're a little confused as to why, but seeing the look on her face had you obeying, sucking in a deep breath and then slowly letting it out.

She adds a squeeze to your shoulder before finally sitting in front of you. "We still have some time to practice, but don't overwork yourself." She states softly. "Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?"

Her words stick to you throughout the entirety of practice. Even though you were trying to keep a clear mind, you still couldn't help but think about how you had to be perfect with the choreography. The small suggestion from the choreographer had you assuming that you weren't doing as well as you had hoped and the other three idols with you looked a little concerned when they noticed your silence.

"Yah, Y/n! Are you okay?" Soeun asked when she walked closer to you, spotting the frown that's beginning to form on your face. "I'm sorry, I was just thinking a little. I suddenly remembered my homework." You cringe at how lame that sounded, but she looked more than understanding. "I forgot that you're still in school."

Taking a quick look around, the older girl turned back to you with a kind smile. "Mind if I have a look at it?" She stretches her hand out to you and you quickly panic a little at her offer. "Oh! You don't have to, unnie. It's okay!"

But she waves your worries away. "Come on. We're a team, that means we help each other." As reluctant as you were, her persuasion manages to get you to grab your bag and show her the remainder of your homework. So while the four of you were on break, Soeun opted to sit by and help you as you worked.

"What's all this?" Jisu asks when she and Nicha finally decide to check on the two of you. Soeun points to you before grinning. "I'm helping Y/n with their homework."

You're too busy thinking over what you're doing to even notice the two older women. It's only when Jisu sits beside you to look over your shoulder did you snap out of concentration.

"Don't mind me. Keep going." She urges you to continue with your work before you turn back to your paper, sighing softly as your brows pinched together. "I'm stuck." You mumble quietly, a pout visible on your features and she can't help cooing at your expression before pinching your cheek. "What's the problem?"

You bring up the essay that's barely put together and Jisu carefully takes it from your hands. You watch as she reads what you've done so far and Nicha sits beside her to check too. "This is good, maybe try avoiding writing too much?" She suggests while pointing to one part. "You can be concise without dragging on details." Nicha agrees and you nod your head, noting their suggestions as you start to write again.

The three of them help you figure out the rest of your essay before you collectively remember that you had to go back to practice. You remind them of the time and it's not long before everyone is back into positions and trying again.

That's how the next few days follow. You manage to do bits of studying in between your practices, but eventually you find yourself growing more and more restless. One time during your breaks, you had to take a look around before frowning when you saw how the other three were able to flawlessly go through the choreography whilst you still stumbled every few times because of how your mind would constantly flit back to your homework.

You begin to feel bad whenever you had to ask the others for help, and you felt a little worse when you had slipped next to Jiwoo that one night as promised and had her cling to you the rest of the night.

You knew they were worried about you, too. It was clear whenever you came home much later than you should be. Sooyoung had to carry you to bed once when you bumped into her in the hallway to your room. She saw just how tired you looked, and with how your body sank into her embrace when she wrapped her arms around you, there was no way she would let you stay up later to study some more.

"Y/n doesn't look too good." Hyeju muttered as she brought her mug to her lips. "They were dead asleep when I checked on them." She added softly and Yerim sighed loudly while sinking into the couch. "She needs to sleep some more." She muttered while glancing at your shared room. "I can't wait for her to graduate. That would be a big weight off her shoulders."

"Wait, doesn't Y/n have school today?" Yeojin asked, confusion clear on her face when she checked the date and Hyeju gestured towards Jungeun and Kahei as they busied themselves in the kitchen. "The unnies said that one day wouldn't hurt." Hyeju answers quietly while staring down at her drink, quietly contemplating on what to do to possibly help you.

Yeojin takes that time to get up and check on what the older members are doing. However, as soon as she reaches your door, it bursts open and you stumble right into her in a hurry.

The two of you end up sprawled on the floor before you're scrambling to your feet, pulling the other up with you as apologies left your mouth in a frenzy. Yeojin had to place both her hands on your shoulders and looked you in the eyes, the best her height could let her.

"Y/n, inhale." You blink but quickly do as she says, inhaling deeply. "Now exhale." Again, you follow her instructions and slowly breathe out, earning a smile from the second maknae. "Good. Now why do you look so panicked?" She inquires and the worry is back as soon as she does. "I'm late for school."

When the words finally leave your lips, Yeojin lets out another breath before taking your hand and then pulling you to join them on the couch, never mind what she was planning to do in the first place.

"You're not going to school today." Hyeju informs you once you're seated and you blink a couple times, making your present roommate giggle. "We can't have you skipping practice but the unnies said you could skip one day of school so you could rest a little." They see that you're about to protest, so Hyeju quickly shuts you down before you can try. "We already asked our managers and they said you get a free pass today."

"... But my homeworks?"

"Already taken cared of." Haseul enters the room with Jungeun before petting your head. "Lip and I went to drop your homework off." She answers before placing down her purse. "We've also talked to some of your teachers and explained the situation so you don't have to worry too much." Jungeun adds when she sits next to you and stretches her legs.

Even with your older members' assurances, you still felt a little queasy with not being able to do these things yourself. You appreciated the help, of course, but you just couldn't seem to sit still.

And Yeojin was quick to notice.

"Y/n, it's just one day. You'll be headed for practice in a couple of hours, so don't think too much about it." She tries to reason and you glance at her before taking in another deep breath just as Jungeun places a hand on your knee, warm and comforting.

For the remaining hours, you sit with your members, doing your best to partake in conversation. Jinsol manages to calm you in the process, pulling you into her arms and cuddling you on the couch while Heejin and Chaewon talk about the brownies the latter had prepared a few days prior. You dozed off somewhere in between the conversation and Jinsol was more than happy to let you nap before you had to leave again.

"Y/n! How are you?" Jisu asks cheerfully when she sees you enter the room and Nicha gives you a quick hug. "I've been alright." It wasn't entirely true given your exhaustion, but they didn't need to be bothered by that. Your performance wasn’t too far away so you didn’t need any more distractions.

Soeun happily bounds over to you, nearly tackling you in a hug when she’s within arms reach. “I can’t believe it’s almost time! I’m going to miss hanging out with you!” She whines and you smile a little while patting her back. “We can still see each other after. Just text me and we’ll set a date.” You promise, Nicha nodding in agreement. “Yeah, Y/n is right. We can still hang out when we’re free.” She agrees while ruffling your hair and Jisu's face brightens before she's searching for her phone and holding it up.

"Let's take a picture!"

Neither you nor Soeun could decline as the two older girls each gave you a hug before taking the picture with the two of you giggling. Jisu plans to take another one once the performance is over, but the picture she managed to take now was perfect on its own.

Right after that, you all fall into routine and start practicing. Polishing was important and you kept a critical eye on your movements to make sure that you were doing everything right. Since you felt like you'd been slacking off, you made sure that you put extra effort into this practice since you wouldn't be meeting on the weekend. You had your other schedules to attend to and you needed to practice for Loona's performance too.

You're nearing the end of the performance, but right as you hear your part before the beat changes, you're hit with a wave of nausea. What caused it, you're not too sure but you're off your feet in seconds.

You had to shut your eyes and focus on your breathing. Your ears were ringing and the girls' voices were all muffled. You could only feel as if your head was placed on someone's lap and trying to ground you back, but due to your worn out state, you find it hard to get your eyes to open again.

By the time you come to, you were surprised to see your dimly lit bedroom. Slowly sitting up, you examine your surroundings before confirming that you were at the dorms.

"Hey, you." A soft voice gathered your attention and you found Sooyoung standing at your door, concern plastered all over her features. "How are you feeling?" She asks while stepping inside, a tray with food and water on it that she places on your bedside table.

She takes a seat next to you once her hands are free and your brows pinch together. "My head hurts a little, but… how did I get home?" You ask quietly, earning a sigh from the older girl before she's ushering you to lean back. "Chuu got a call from Lia. She said you passed out so Vivi unnie and Choerry went to pick you up since they were on their way back." She explains and you instantly grow quiet when you remember that you were with other people.

"We told you to take care of yourself, Y/n. What happened?" She's not mad. Even though she wants to scold you, her expression screams anything but anger. She's genuinely worried about your wellbeing and she wants to make sure that you're okay.

And that only made you feel worse because you know that the rest of your members felt the same.

"I…" Sucking in a deep breath, you pull your knees to your chest. "I was nervous…" You finally say aloud. "A lot was happening at school and I didn't want to fall back while making sure I did well with the performance too." You weren't the best when it came to time management, but the added pressure only made things worse for you.

Sooyoung could see the stress piling up and she could finally understand what you were going through. So with a sigh, she brushed your hair from your face before cupping your cheeks. "You need to take breaks in between. I know that you want to be perfect, but the truth is there's only so much we can do as people." She says firmly, ensuring that you're listening to everything she's saying. "You've been doing your best and that's what matters. You have people around you who are supporting you, so let yourself lean on us too."

Withdrawing her hands, Sooyoung gives you a small smile when she stands up. "Be more careful with yourself, alright?" When you give her a small nod, Sooyoung leans down to press a gentle kiss to your forehead. "Sleep tight, kiddo."

While it is still a bit of a struggle to get rid of your habit of pushing yourself to the limit, your members make sure to watch you and help you relax to the best of their abilities. Your roommates make sure to get you in bed on time while Yeojin and Heejin opt to help you with studying to ensure that you understood the things you had troubles understanding before.

They make sure to keep a pace that they're sure you could follow and Jinsol is soon joining in, more than happy to be a helping hand. Plus, she would shower you with praise whenever you managed to grasp the concept they were teaching well.

Kahei makes sure you're eating properly. While she knows that it wasn't your intention, the girls figured out that you were forgetting to eat your meals on time. When it's time for lunch, she either calls you to join her and some of the other girls or brings the food to you if you're too busy with homework.

She knows that the girls helping you study will make sure you eat.

Everything runs smoothly from there, and without even realizing, it was finally the day of your performance.

"Y/n!"

Your body was thrown back a bit by the sudden force of someone colliding into you. And when you craned your head to check, you couldn't help but smile when you recognize Soeun's face. "How are you feeling?" She asks when she pulls away and you see Nicha and Jisu over her shoulder, both approaching you with smiles on their faces.

"I've been better. The unnies made sure I rested over the weekend." You tell them and Nicha beams before pinching your cheeks. "You better have. You made us worried during practice." She scolds lightly and you smile apologetically. "I know, and I'm really sorry for scaring you guys." You apologize before Jisu squeezed your hand.

"Well, seeing that you're all good now… ready to take the stage?" She asks carefully and you grin at all three of them. "Let's show them what we're made of."

The sound of fans cheering and fellow artists clapping as the platform rose and the spotlight found your figures. You inhaled to calm your nerves before raising your head, smiling when you spotted your members among the sea of people, and they all grinned back with a few waving happily.

As the familiar sound of Forever Young by Blackpink began to play, the screaming only grew louder throughout your performance as you all executed each step right. Weaving through each formation while you sang to your heart's content, the four of you enjoyed the stage while basking in the attention everyone gave you.

Glancing at each other, you threw smirks at the crowd. "Your girls are the revolution!"

If you didn't think the crowd could get any louder, that moment definitely proved you wrong as the roar of the crowd reached your ears. You could see a handful of other artists enjoying the performance too and you were more than relieved up until you reached the last pose with Soeun throwing an arm around your shoulders and Jisu wrapping her own around your waist.

While you did follow a majority of the original choreography, the four of you decided to have your own fun with the ending, and it looked like the perfect fit with how hyped up everyone had gotten with your performance.

Once backstage, the four of you are in another group hug, congratulating each other on a job well done. "Let's take a picture before we have to go!" Jisu exclaimed, excitedly pulling at Soeun's arm while Nicha hooked her arm with yours as you smiled at the camera, feeling much lighter now that the performance was over.

While you were nervous at first, the process did help you gain some new friends. But even when you were meeting them outside your schedules and getting over the nervousness of being an idol, you know that you always had people you could count on.

At the end of the day, your members would always be there to cheer you on and support you no matter how hard things might appear.

"Good job, kiddo! We knew you could do it!" Jungeun clapped your back before giving you a hug right before Jiwoo barreled into you and squeezed tightly. "You were so cool! I didn't know you could rap like that!"

"Good job, Y/n. We're really proud of you." Haseul beamed while pinching your cheek and Yeojin bounced happily while shaking your arm. "And to make it better, you're finally graduating next month!"

Yeah, you were more than content with yourself this time.

[venenatd]

just friends; eren jaegar x reader

summary: you and eren are best pals and have both recently be dumped. so, a plan to get over your exes is needed! what’s better than going out on the town trying to find quick fucks >:) also eren is a smug bastard but kinda has a heart of gold??

content: smut / nsfw 18+. minors dni. (choking, unprotected sex, creampie drinking, drunk sex, possessiveness ig? dirty talk, both of them want to be dominant tbh. slight size kink, oral both m and f receiving. female bodied reader) 

i am new to this pls let me know if i should add anything!!

word count: 5.8k words of unedited content 

a/n: uh so i never thought i’d be back on my tumblr bullshit at 23 but hey after years without the app i’m back. i needed to get out the h-word and this is what happened. enjoy and i’m sorry if it’s terrible lmao

“You look different” 

Frowning at the man waiting ever so patiently for you on the sofa, you look a little defeated. “Is that meant to be a compliment, Eren?”. He sighed, raising his eyebrows at you. To be fair, maybe you did. Wearing a figure hugging black dress, that definitely just hid your ass cheeks, hair styled and sprayed in place, dark lipstick and makeup on your face. Usually Eren would have seen you in sweats, always running a little late for class, snack in hand. 

“Different isn’t bad,” he offered, checking the watch that lay on his wrist, “are we ever going to get to the bar? Your plan will fall through if you’re not careful.”

Ah, the plan. Both you and Eren were newly single. In your final year at university, having managed to keep each relationship going until almost the end. Ironic. Weren’t most meant to fail in the first year? But alas, your partners had decided it was the end within a couple of weeks each other, and as you and Eren had been close since you met on orientation day, you each took to the other for comfort. You had done the crying first, going to him the minute your call with the ex had ended. Leaving wet splotches on his shirt, he had calmed you, only for you to do the same to him later. Now the crying was done, it was time to move on, and what better advice to follow than getting under someone to get over another?

“I just need to look hot enough for a guy to fuck me.”

“What a romantic you are.”

“Shut up Er-”

Eren shifted from the couch, interrupting your usual sass, “and what about me, y/n? Do I look beautiful?”. He threw in a wink with his comment, his aura of cockiness always radiating. You rolled your eyes, before studying his figure. His dark hair half pulled back into a bun, the rest draping his neck and onto a deep emerald green silk shirt, with the top few buttons loose, tucked into dark pants. A ring on each hand, fingers with chipping black nail polish, and to top it off, a thin chain on his neck. You hated to admit it and add to his smug demeanour but... the man did look good. 

“Gorgeous as always Eren,” you said sarcastically, even if it was truthful, “I’m sure there will be a queue of women who are wanting to jump on you.”

“Not if they aren’t all taken already,” he taps at his watch. Whilst the two of you had already been drinking as he waited for you to get ready, it was definitely on the later side.

“Order the uber, and we can go.”

Walking over to him and adding shoes to your outfit, you present yourself before him, a cute little smile playing on your lips. He’s staring down at his phone, quickly going through the motions for the ride. Finally, he looks up to catch your eyes. His jade pupils flick down slightly, and he hopes you miss that they land at the cleavage you’re sporting in your current get up. He flicks your nose, earning a scowl from you and a smile from him.

“You look perfect”

The club is far fuller than you both expected, dance floor and tables taken up and crowded round. Luckily, you had managed to secure you and Eren a pair of seats at the bar, and you were currently on your third..? Fourth drink of the evening. Green eyes watch your lips carefully, as you finish the vodka and lemonade. 

“So, anyone take your fancy?” he prompts, looking around at the mess of people.

Humming, you scan the area. There’s some people you recognise from class, but plenty more you don’t know. Fucking friends seems like a bad move, even in your tipsy state, so you look to the strangers faces. They don’t look like him. Ugh. 

There’s a few options though, and as you point them out to Eren they come with brief descriptors: dark hair and stubble, wide set blonde. He tuts at the options, sarcastically letting out a “sure sure, I see the appeal”. 

“And how about you, anyone you like the look of?” you ask with a sigh.

Christ, Eren thinks to himself. It’s been long enough that he hasn’t had to look for someone else. Sure there were attractive people in the world, but with her around, he hadn’t needed to give anyone else a second look. His palm moves to the back of his neck, stretching out behind him with a huff. “Let’s look on the dance floor?” he offers, clearly not as eager as you were tonight. Moving his hand back down, he holds it out for you, pulling towards the throng of people.

He looks effervescently cool like this. Shirt open, hair starting to fall from his bun. Eren is looking around at the people surrounding the two of you. The two of you had been working in circles, allowing each other an eyeful as the club goers move around the space. As a group of guys push their way from the dance floor to the bar, you get shoved towards Eren. Heels were never quite your forte, and you stumble against him, hands on either side of his chest. Grinning down at you with that smug little smile that annoyed you so much, Eren brought large hands to your waist, pushing you away a little. But his hands stay there as he continues to sway to the music, making no effort to break the contact. And so you bring your arms up to his neck, allowing his movements to carry you on time to the song. For the first time in the past couple of weeks, you feel light. Your chest isn’t constricted by some foreign weight. It’s just you and your best friend, buzzed and free.

Colours change above you, as you look up to Eren, him down to you. A playful grin takes his lips as he pulls you a little closer, you so easily accepting the narrowing distance. Your black silk meets his deep green, chest pushing into his. You carefully analyse his features, seeing if he attempts to check you out like earlier. 

Was it the alcohol making your cheeks so warm? Lit up by a purple hue, you watch his eyes return to exploring the crowd, his hand still holding on to you. His smirk falters, his eyebrows creasing together. You’re not moving in circles anymore, Eren pausing in his movements as he thinks about what to do next. He shouldn’t lie to you, but seeing your ex at the bar would really harsh the night. Under his fingers, he can feel your body tense, suddenly unsure at how close the contact between you was. 

But Eren doesn’t want you to know, he doesn’t want you to be distracted by your ex tonight. He doesn’t want to see your hurt little face anymore. The way your eyes would be red and puffy the next day. The way he would feel your shoulders heaving under his arms. You don’t deserve that. Hell, you didn’t deserve the huge amount of shit your ex had put you through over the years he’d known you. Eren would sit back and listen to you rant, support you where he could. But fuck that guy. And he wasn’t sure what sparked in his chest, but Eren’s jade orbs are trained straight back on you. His eyebrows calm, tension releasing from them. As you can turn to scope out whatever had changed his body language so suddenly, he catches your jaw. 

Beginning to slowly move again, his eyes have narrowed, taking in the way the dress hugs you, the shine on your skin from the hot dance floor. Eren couldn’t quite figure out what was intoxicating him right now. Definitely a lot of alcohol, but also a sudden… possessiveness. He didn’t want you in pain anymore. Eren wanted you in pleasure. His breath is suddenly on your neck, making your hair raise. 

“I’ve only seen one person I’m interested in tonight.” 

“Oh?” you squeak, before clearing your throat a little. The new deep notes in his voice catch you off guard. It almost sounds like he’s… No. He’s your best friend. The little looks you’d been giving each other all night were just two people looking out for one another, two people seeing each other happy for the first time in a while. Your voice is calmer as you ask light-heartedly, “and who would that be?” 

His lips are so close to your ear. 

“You.” 

“Eren-” your hands move from behind his neck, resting on his shoulders. You need to see your best friend's face, you need to know if he’s joking right now. If he’s mocking you. When you draw back, you see his face. Smug, as always. Fuck you’ve always wanted to knock that cockiness down a peg. Cheshire smile showing his teeth and his eyes looking down at you. Half lidded eyes, pupils blown. He’s not joking. Fuck.

“Can I kiss you?” 

Your breath is caught in your throat. All too aware suddenly of each of his finger pads pressing into your skin, the contact feeling like fire with the added alcohol. But, you find yourself nodding, the yes just escaping your lips before he’s pressed into them.

Large hands travel to your hip, and up your back, pressing you into him. You can feel his body, tense in exhilaration against you, hands back around his neck. One travels up to the nape of his back, tangling into his hair and pulling him deeper into you. The music is all consuming, you can feel the bass in your body, you can feel Eren against you, you can feel the adrenaline coursing through your veins. 

Eren’s hand on your back travels up, echoing your placement on him, to hold the back of your neck. He doesn’t want you to go, you feel too good. The heat between your bodies could suffocate him. His thumb puts pressure under your jaw, he isn’t even sure you can feel it. But he can, measuring your pulse racing underneath the pad. He’s smiling into this kiss, this all consuming kiss.

His tongue swipes at your bottom lip, and you’re all too eager to allow him into your mouth. Tasting the whisky from your home, tasting the coke from the club. His teeth take your lip nipping slightly, before sucking the plump of it into his mouth. You both come up for air, eyes meeting in acknowledgment of the situation.

“Wanna get out of here?”

The drive home had only served to heap tension between you. As clearly that it was that you wanted each other, you would have to wait a while longer. Your thighs pressed together, slowly inhaling and exhaling. Going through your mind was whether this was a good idea, staring out at the city passing by you. Eren was your friend. You were dating another man two weeks ago. The same man that had previously asked you if he needed to be worried about Eren. You’d laughed it off, because it was Eren. You were brought out of your thoughts when you felt him grip your leg, a little too harshly at first, before settling, leaving a gentle pattern of circles and lines on your inner thigh. It was Eren.

Just one hallway. You had to make it one hallway to get into your apartment. One hallway left to come to your senses. And just like he read your mind, Eren is once again touching you, just his hand on yours pulling you backwards. You twist just in time, his hands instantly cupping your cheeks as he kisses you, deeply and intensely. Pushing you back into the wall, you pray a neighbour doesn’t walk out now. His knee is pressing gently between your legs, and you allow it. Your fingers sink into Eren’s arms, lightly covered by the fabric yet you can still feel the muscle underneath, relaxing and tensing as he pulls you closer. 

His lips are making their way to your jaw, lifting your chin upwards, tentatively licking the bone before moving downwards still, sucking and nipping and licking your neck. A whimper breaks through. You really need to get inside. Gripping his hair, you sharply pull backwards.

“Not going to play nice, huh?” 

When did he speak like this? The playful and shit-eating grin your friend Eren always wore was replaced by something darker, his words laced with intent. 

“Don’t challenge me.” 

You were off, finally at your door, making quick work with the lock, moving in first before he followed. The door shut as you pushed Eren against it, usual doe eyes being taken over with a deep lust. Your hands are instantly at his belt, as his hands find your face once again. This time he’s grabbing your hair, making you look up at him as he glares down at you. You’re constantly challenging one another in conversation, and it’s translating to the bedroom far too easily. 

Lips are on one another again, as you leave the belt and start towards his shirt. You bite down on his bottom lip, earning a hiss from him, and you feel his hand being brought around your throat. He doesn’t add too much pressure, checking if this turn is indeed okay with you. When you push against the weight, he takes the gleam in your eye as a yes, and uses the force to push you against the next wall, finally moving off the front door. 

It’s a constant battle to get to the bedroom, both of you taking control for short bursts. Eren pulling the thin straps of your dress down, you untucking his shirt. His muscular torso is on full display, and you had never viewed it in this light before. 

Finally he pushes you onto the bed, situating himself between your legs. Your kisses are sloppy and infused with alcohol. Hands are desperate with one another, both of you needing to be closer. Are you scared if the contact ends your thoughts will return to sanity? 

Eren’s hot and heavy over you, his hands seem everywhere at once. Smoothing up your thigh, digging in slightly to the flesh when you grind against one another. His hands rest at your hips for a moment, and he’s looking down at you, still fucking smiling. All at once, he’s flipped you over his prominent hard on pressing into your ass. He’s whispering in your ear, leaving wet kisses along your neck, to your shoulder blades. Fingers take the zip at the back of your dress, slowly and carefully pulling it down, leaving licks and pecks as he goes. It’s torturous. 

You attempt to speed things up by rutting your ass against his crotch, and you think you hear a quiet moan, before his hand is brought down to the fabric, smacking your cheek. You gasp, turning your head to look at him. Eren is too occupied in taking in all of your body, his green eyes are darkened with authority and lust. His nimble fingers play with the short hem of your dress, thumb dipping beneath, before he pushes the silk up. 

You both let out soft fuck’s, as his hands grab at the plump of your ass. It’s like he’s testing the softness, the way your flesh responds to his touch so easily. He slaps at you again, earning a sharp moan from you. Eren’s leaning down, his mouth once again trailing across the apex of your behind, leaving trails of saliva as he goes. Before you can even register the new sensations you can feel a soft pressure against your clothed cunt, just enough to let you know the presence of his hand, but not enough for you to get off on. You’re mewling, once again trying to get closer to him. This time he allows it, eagerly pressing his ring and middle finger to your clit, allowing you to grind upon them. 

Seeing you underneath him like this… it’s new and strange and so fucking hot. He’s watching you desperately try and fill the need building in your core, and he can only feel his cock twitch in his pants as he sees you coming undone. If you wanted more, he could definitely give it to you. Bringing his large hands away, to the flimsy fabric that was covering you, he pulls it down, exposing you to him. His heart and dick fucking jump. His hands return to your ass, watching the jiggle as you move and whimper. Spreading you, he brings his face down, breath tingling on your most sensitive areas.

Your breath catches in your throat as his tongue, gentle at first, licks between your folds. He’s tasting you, he’s moaning into your pussy, as you write beneath him. Eren’s hands are squeezing your ass cheeks, holding you still as you try to grind against his face. 

“Patience, y/n”, he says, with a slap on your behind again. 

“Fuck you,” you hiss. 

“You will be in a minute, baby girl, don’t worry.”

You go to make a retort but he’s instantly back, licking up your slit and a deep moan escapes you. Jesus you can feel the smile on his lips as he’s back on your pussy. Eren is so proud of the sounds he can draw from you. He wonders if your ex could make you come undone so easily. 

You taste sweet and saccharine on him, and he doesn’t hold back the groan as he further works his way into you. Hardened tongue moving it’s way from your entrance down to your clit. He swipes at it, before moving away again. Kissing your thighs, kissing the skin between your holes. Every now and then he’ll move back to your clit, allowing you a moment of pleasure before he’s teasing again. “Fuck, please”. Your whines are being smothered by the sheets, and Eren wants nothing more than to hear them, loud and clear.

Eren’s ringed fingers make their way to your hair, his face lifting from between your legs. He pulls you back round, and holy shit you can see how wet you are on his face. There’s a sheen to his lips and chin, and instinctively you reach up to his neck, pulling him back on top of you. Your tongue meets his, tasting your tartness on his mouth. A hand makes it way back down in between your thighs, playing and parting your folds. Your hand in turn reaches up his neck, pulling sharply at his hair once again. “Eren. More- please” you get out in between staggered breaths. 

“Aw, since you asked so nicely” his eyes watch your expression closely as his thumb rests on your clit, his finger swiftly moving inside you. Your eyebrows raise and knot, eyes wide and lips parted. But he keeps it still as your legs shaked around his arm. “Eren, move” you demand this time. 

“Oh, that’s not so nice. I liked it when you were polite.” He starts to retract his finger, thumb gently swabbing your clit so you’ll know what you miss.

“Please, please, please, Eren, please” you speak before he even gets the first knuckle out. All the teasing was creating a tightness in your lower stomach. 

“Much better.”

You whine as he continues to pull his finger from you, until he pushes it back in, curling his solitary finger up. Your fingernails are pressing deep into the muscle of his bicep, feeling how it moves as he finger fucks you. He’s hitting that perfect spot inside you again and again, and his thumb is swiping eagerly on your clit. 

Eren can feel you fluttering around his finger, desperate for more, desperate to release on him. He adds another finger, your wetness allowing him entrance easily. He wants to fuck you so bad, his cock so hard it felt like it was about to burst. 

He pushes your hands off him, leaving crescent moon indents deep in his skin, he works his way back down. He brings the black silk with him this time, fully being able to take in your body as you’re left naked before him. Holy shit you’re beautiful. He doesn’t want to stare too long and make you shy. But he still kisses his way down, before he’s back at your pussy. 

This time he allows you more movement, letting your fingers work their way back into his hair, letting you roll your hips against his tongue and stubble. 

With his spare hand he pulls out his cock, slowly pulling at it, before he realises he can’t do that for too long without cumming before the main event. Instead he reaches up, rolling your perked nipples in between his fingers. There are so many sensations on your body, and Eren can feel your cunt beginning to tighten around his fingers. You hold your breath before letting out little moans, building towards reaching your height.

“You want to cum on my fingers?

Your back is arching, whispering “yes, yes, yes, please” as your walls are tightening around him. He quickens the pace, making sure to hit that spot inside you over and over. Thighs around his face, he can feel your slick pooling in his mouth, and coating his chin once again. 

Your gummy walls are so tight around his thick fingers, he needs you to finish, watch you fully unravel below him. Sucking and licking at your clit, he’s pushing you towards the edge. 

“Eren-” his name is strangled coming out of you, and then your moaning, undulating your cunt against his mouth, riding out your orgasm. 

His jade eyes look up at you, watching as you pull your head up to look at him, before another wave of pleasure hits you and you have to arch your neck and look back up. He waits for you to come down, letting you fuck his face and fingers. Grinding against his stubble and tongue as you let out pitiful and beautiful moans. You’re so fucking wet, the sounds coming from between the two of you should be forbidden, as you release onto him. 

Finally he withdraws, using his forearm to wipe his face. He lies next to you, allowing you a moment as he draws little circles on your stomach. Eren has never quite looked at you in this light. Sure, you were pretty, and the two of you were obviously close. But now you’d walked a line that couldn’t be undone. You weren’t over your ex, and as okay as Eren was with what had happened between you, he didn’t want you to run. He’s overcome with thoughts, looking down to your chest and the heavy breaths you were taking. All he could pray was that you weren’t pretending he was someone else. 

But as Eren is getting caught up in his own mind, you’re twisting, hand reaching to his crotch, cock having been recaptured by his boxers. Palming him, you feel how big he really is for the first time. Fingers trace the edge of his pants and underwear, and he lifts his hips, allowing you to pull them down. Shit. His dick slapped back to his stomach, precum leaking from the top of his pink head. He was bigger than you’d imagined, because of course you’d imagined it a couple of times.

Your hand looks so small around his cock, but you slowly tease him, his deep green orbs following your movements. Bringing your head down to him, you kitten lick the precum from the top of his dick. He hisses gently, and you look up at him with these big doe eyes, so fucking eager to please.

You push your lips around him, hollowing your cheeks and flattening your tongue as you begin working along his shaft. He moans just at the sight of you, your eyes peeking up through dark lashes. His hand goes through your hair, eagerly pushing you deeper around him. 

He lets out a hoarse, “is this okay?” before you put your own hand on his pushing it for the both of you. You don’t even want to come up for air, you just want him close to you, inside you. 

You were learning far more about each other than you had expected, as Eren takes back over. He pushes himself further into you, muttering a good girl that has you whining. The vibrations around his cock make his hips buck, and now you’re gagging as his length hits the back of your throat. He holds you there instead of letting you off, and your nails are sharp against his thighs.

His head lolls back as he starts to move his hips under you, moving you in turn with your hair. He picks up the pace quickly, allowing saliva to drool from you and straight to his cock. 

Your eyes prick, big fat tears forming at the corners. But you’re enjoying this way too much, the moans and gasps he gives make you moan, pressing your thighs together for some kind of friction. 

He takes your jaw in his grasp, allowing you a moment to catch your breath. Your tongue sits out your mouth, him smacking the head of his dick on it. He notices your tears then, the mascara that’s running a little. He swipes at the corner of your eyes, leaning down to press a kiss into your forehead. 

Bringing you up to him, your dripping folds sliding across his length. His lips are on your cheeks, across your jaw, licking up your neck before reclaiming your plush lips once again. You continue grinding against one another, tongues slipping in and out of each other's mouths. Eventually Eren brings his hands to your hips, lifting you up as you hold his shaft up.

Your foreheads are pressed together as he slowly pushes inside you. The stretch is burning and all-consuming, eyes pricking up again as you feel him hit your furthest wall. Eren breathes out heavily, “So fucking tight”

You roll your hips, allowing some friction from him on your clit. It helps your muscles relax a little, and balancing your hands on his shoulders you push yourself up and down, using his length for your own pleasure. Eren’s eyes don’t leave your form, watching your breasts bounce and how your eyes flutter close as he fills you entirely.

“You really did want to be fucked, huh? Look at you” he teases you, watching as you go to talk back before he thrusts his hips up. It leaves the words caught in your throat.

His pace maintains, holding you in place as he fucks up into you, feeling your cunt clench around him. There are long moments where you hold your breath, holding his cock tight within you. Then you’ll release and moan, before holding it in again. Well, Eren is all too happy to help you with that. 

One hand grabbing the flesh of your hip, the other wrapping around your throat, he pushes into you at a punishing rate. Your eyes go wide at the sudden restriction of your throat, feeling the cold metal of his ring against your pulse. 

“Who knew this about you? That you were such a slut?”

As much as he knows you want to deny it, you want to smack the smugness from his voice, he can feel your pussy tighten around him. He sees your eyes roll back a little. 

“You’re getting tighter.” 

The hand on your hip moves down, attempting to hold you in place whilst letting his thumb press over your clit. The sounds of him slapping against your wetness is obscene, and he’s only distracted from it as you whimper out pathetic yes’s and please’s. 

“You wanna cum?” he’s grunting, trying to keep the pace going until you can reach your peak.

You nod against his wide hand, still tight around your neck. “Oh you can do better than that. I already know how bad you want it, slut.”

“Please Eren, please make me cum. I want to cum, please, please, please” you can barely make out the words, your head going light and body tightening.

“Cum for me.” 

You release, and as he can feel the fluttering of your walls around him, he lets go of your throat. The sudden oxygen as you cum leaves you overwhelmed. Burying yourself in his shoulder, he fucks you through it. Cock slapping up into your cunt over and over, somehow being sucked deeper in as you coat his length with more of your own slick. He can feel your nails breaking the flesh of his back as you’re holding on for dear life, moaning his name and even a fucking thank you into his ear.

As you begin to slow, legs shake as you stay straddled over him. He flips you, Eren now firmly on top, slowly moving in and out of you. The stimulation is intense, your cunt sparking at any sensation. 

Caged between his forearms, his hair is a mess thanks to you. You push tendrils back past his ears as he leans down to kiss you once again. This kiss is different. It feels… less desperate. It feels deep and meaningful, caring even.

Your eyes meet in acknowledgment, both of you too worried to speak about the shift in tone. 

He reaches down instead, pulling your leg up and splitting you on his cock. A tongue swipes at your nipple, biting and playing with each as he gradually picks up pace again. You’re still so fucking wet it’s easy for him to thrust into you at a dizzying pace. You can feel all of him against your gummy walls. Each time he passes that special spot inside you, you moan and gasp, and it’s the best sound he’s ever heard.

His thrusts were becoming more primal, holding your thighs close around his hips. Letting your sweaty bodies collide again and again, his balls slapping against you. The grunts and moans coming from his lips were so infuriatingly erotic. Eren just wanted one more from you, and then he’d let himself finish. If this was to be a drunken mistake, so be it, but he would at least make it memorable. 

Those jade eyes were on you once again, the power and dominance radiating from the immeasurable. He can see you barely being able to hold on, completely fucked out beneath him. You’re moaning and whining, hands moving over the swell of your breasts and playing with your nipples as if it’s going to keep you grounded. 

He sits up, eyes flicking down to where you were conjoined. It took so much restraint not to cum inside you right then and there. Your glistening sex was so tight around him, the wet slapping noises echo again and again. You’re pulling and sucking him in, cream pooling around his length. 

“Give me one more, y/n. I want to feel you cum on my cock.”  

You try to look up at him through heavy lids. Your friend Eren saying this is so taboo. The words he’s said tonight so far from normal for the both of you. You flutter around him, somehow your pussy still wants to be fucked, still wants to push you off the edge one more time. You can feel the coil inside your stomach tightening. 

Eyes rolling back, you can barely keep it together anymore. He’s pounding into you at a startling rate, fingers flicking over your clit again and again and again. 

“P - please, it’s s-so good.” 

Your breaths between words were quick, “you’re so big-”

“Yeah you like that? You like being so full of my cock? Such a pretty face you make when you’re all fucked out.” 

Holy shit.

Eren could tell how much words affected you, your back arching and legs pulling him somehow closer into you.

“Come on, baby. I wanna hear those moans.” he’s grunting, getting so fucking close to losing himself in your cunt. He knows what he wants to hear most though, “say my name. Tell me who’s treating you how you should be”

With that, you’re losing yourself around him again. Writing on the bed, gripping sheets in tightly balled fists. White light taking over your sight as you clench around Eren. This orgasm was the most intense, taking your body by surprise in its overstimulated state. You weren’t even making a noise, just holding on to the high for as long as possible. 

And then you shattered, whining and moaning, whispering his name over and over again. 

As you moved underneath him, Eren kept his punishing pace up until he watched you expel the last of your energy. Name forming on your lips over and over again he falters, releasing inside you. You can feel the stickiness inside you, the sensation of being filled up. Eren watches for a moment as he sees the white pearls forming around your stretched out pussy.

His chest is back on yours as he kisses your neck, shoulders, whatever skin he can. Thrusting back into you a couple of times, he finally pulls out. You feel his cum dripping out of you, but you’re too spent to do anything about it.

Eren lies next to you, both of your bodies attempting to regulate from that. 

“You okay?” 

He’s checking in, making sure he didn’t go too far with someone he genuinely cares for. 

You nod, turning to meet his stare. Giving him a drowsy smile, you’re not sure what comes next. But for now, you’re happy. Curling into his side, he puts an arm round you and lets you rest for a while. As he notices your breathing become deeper, he nestles into you, muttering something about clean up. 

Moving away from you, you can make out some noises of a tap, drawers opening and closing. In your sleepy state you feel him gently wiping at you, two glasses of water being put on the bedside table. Finally he makes his way back to you, and Eren notes how cute you look. Hot and completely fucked out, yes. But also gentle and at peace, allowing the heaviness of sleep taking over.

He rests behind you, wanting to be back in your warmth. He pulls you in closer, wrapping an arm around your waist. The fragrance of you takes over his nostrils, and he’s all too eager to move closer to your hair, pressing one last kiss at the nape of your neck. Whatever tomorrow brings, he hopes it’s not the last time he gets to be this close to you.

[cwc-emoji-pluck]

yooooooo dude may i please request 🥐 with a side of ☁️?

member: yoon jeonghan x gn!reader genre: i don't think this is angst but it's definitely not fluff so...angst ig word count: 2142 warnings: none :P emojis requested: 🥐: social media star and follower ☁️: fifteen years later, seventeen go to their high school class reunion author's note: hello, bestie <3 this was originally supposed to be about seungcheol but jeongrot is a thing so here we are. this request was literally perfect for me so thank u for being a genius <3 i got inspo for this literally immediately so :))) i hope you enjoy this and happy jeonghan day !!!!!!!! (p.s. this is not edited please don't judge me <3)

“Are you going to be coming later? I didn’t take months out of my schedule to plan this just for my best friend to skip it! I even made sure we are going to be on the same team for all the activities!” 

Y/N sighed, holding their phone to their ear using their shoulder. Their laptop was in front of them, a Google Calendar open to their schedule for the next two weeks: each square was filled with meetings and events. 

“I don’t know, Mina. I don’t have a lot of time on my schedule. You said it’s on Saturday? What time?”

“Four! It’s from four to ten! I thought you wrote this down?”

Y/N began typing the information their best friend was giving into a new event. “You know I never actually write things down.” 

“Whatever, Y/N. You gotta be there,” Mina sighed tiredly.

“I’m trying, Mina.” Just then, a ding came through from Mina’s end of the phone. 

“Oh! I just got an RSVP back!” 

“Whose?” Y/N asked. 

“Oh my God! You’ll never believe it, Y/N!” 

“Just tell me who it was, Mina.” 

“It was Hannie! You remember? Yoon Jeonghan?” 

That name was not the one Y/N was expecting to hear. A flash of memories went through their head, one specifically standing out, the sound of his voice distinct in the memory.

You’re always going to say that you miss high school, Y/N. College is way more stressful: you have to make your own schedules as well as keeping a job, supporting yourself and doing things on your own. You move away from home and get all this weight on your shoulders. Everything is thrown at you in the matter of months. All I ask of you, darling, is that you do your best now, to get a head start on the best future you could have.

The only thing Y/N thought was being thrown at them at this point in their life was being forced to see Yoon Jeonghan again. It wasn’t that the two didn’t get along - no, it was far from that. It was just that Y/N is, understandably in their words, slightly upset with the man. 

As best friends, Y/N supported Jeonghan through everything, and now that he’s socially higher up than them, it hurts a bit; knowing that he basically forgot about them. Of course, Y/N could never be upset with their best friend. The two of them have been through way too much, Y/N just wishes that he tried a bit harder to keep them around. Or maybe Y/N was upset with themselves, that they didn’t try harder to keep Jeonghan around. 

The amount of messages that could have been sent or calls that could have been made over the past fifteen years, or even the amount of likes, and retweets depending on the app, that could have been shared between the two of you were forgotten as Jeonghan gained more followers and began leaving home more for his modeling. The idea of seeing him once again hit Y/N like a freight train.

y/n: are you sure yoon jeonghan is going to be there? 

Y/N was worried. They somehow managed to take the time off for the reunion, but it was a dreaded task, especially since Mina told them about the appearance Jeonghan would be making. Trying to mentally prepare themselves for seeing the man that forgot about his best friend was hard…how does someone prepare for that?

mina: yes, y/n. i’m sure he’s going to be there! and guess whattttt

y/n: what 

mina: he *didn’t* reserve a spot for a plus one

y/n: okay? what does this have to do with me? 

mina: you cannot tell me that one of the reasons why you were so heartbroken about hannie not talking to you was because you weren’t in love with the guy 

y/n: i wasn’t in love with the guy, he was just my best friend, Mina. i know it’s going to hurt when i see him again.

mina: yeah, yeah. just get your feelings sorted out and make sure not to make a scene at this event that your best friend (aka me, not hannie) has worked so hard on <3 

y/n: if all you’re worried about is whether or not i’m going to be there…chill. i’ll be there. just don’t expect me to agree to talk to jeonghan so suddenly. i’ll probably hang with joshua while you’re busy. 

mina: joshua hong? since when did you talk to him? 

y/n: i…talked to him enough to want to see him after fifteen years. 

mina: didn’t he have a thing for you? why do i have distinct memories of hannie trying to fight him?

y/n: nOTHING HAPPENED. 

y/n: the end. i’m going to bed now 

mina: y/n come back

mina: …y/n? mina: damn you, y/n.

Knowing that Mina was the one who put all of this together was the only thing that kept Y/N from staying home and opening their laptop once again. Though, that didn’t stop Y/N from having a plethora of excuses they wish they could use in order to stay home. 

First, the almost two hour drive to the venue from Y/N’s apartment. Of course, this would mean nothing to Mina as they were carpooling. Second, the lack of formal-enough but also casual-enough clothes to wear. Though, once again this would be no issue for Mina, as she always has something up her sleeve. Lastly, the biggest excuse of them all: Yoon Jeonghan. Was Y/N really ready to see their dreaded best friend after so long? No. Was he still deserving of the best friend title? According to Y/N, yes. According to Mina, no. 

That’s just something Mina has to get over. 

Mina, being the best friend she was, helped Y/N pick out the perfect outfit: something that proves that they had a good job and did not peak in high school, as well as making sure that same outfit wasn’t too eccentric for such an event. Being the perfect fashion designer she was, Mina did not fail to pick out the best outfit that not only looked amazing on Y/N, but also one that was perfect for all of the activities she and the rest of the reunion board had chosen for the event. 

“He’s gonna think you look great, Y/N.”

Y/N picked up the shirt that was laying on the bed closest to them and threw it across the room at Mina. It flew and missed Mina completely. “I am not dressing up for him! I don’t care what he thinks!” 

Mina laughed. “Okay well, hurry up and clean up because we have to get going.” 

“I didn’t even make the mess, you’re the one who took all my clothes off their hangers,” Y/N frowned. “It’s whatever I’ll just pick up when I get back.”

“I didn’t think you’d get so busy that we would rarely be able to meet, Y/N.” 

Y/N looked over to Joshua as he said this, a small smile on their face. “Trust me, I wasn’t expecting it either. And don’t tell Mina this but I’m happy she went through the work to set this up. I’m excited to see everyone again.” 

Joshua chuckled a bit. “Have you seen Seungcheol lately?” 

“I saw him a couple months ago at this cafe I go to a lot but I haven’t seen him since.” Y/N replied, tapping the transparent plastic cup they were holding. 

“I heard he’s been hanging out a lot with,” Joshua paused. “…Nevermind.” 

“Jeonghan? That wouldn’t surprise me. They were always close, weren’t they?”

“Heh, yeah. They were. I mean, before uh, he left.” 

Y/N looked over at their friend, “You know you can say his name. It’s not like he’s Voldemort or something.” 

“I just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I mean, having someone you’re that in love with leave so sudden-”

“Why does everyone think I was in love with Jeonghan!”

“Probably because you were,” someone wrapped their arms around Y/N’s shoulders. “Even if you didn’t see it, everyone else did.” 

Joshua smiled. “Hey Cheol, we were just talking about you!” 

The man, Seungcheol, grinned and blushed a bit. “Hey, Shua. It’s nice to see you.” Seungcheol looked over at Y/N. “By the way, if you want to talk to him, he’s over there with Jimin and Taehyung. Says he was hoping to be able to talk to you tonight.”

*************

He looked exactly like he did in his Instagram post Mina had sent Y/N this morning. His natural hair covered by a yellow bucket hat, and the baggy jacket he was wearing hanging off his shoulders like he was in a photoshoot and not at a high school reunion. 

Y/N didn’t dare to step towards the man, scared of any type of confrontation that may have been about fifteen years too late. It was only when they heard Park Jimin call their name from where he stood next to Jeonghan and Taehyung that they dared to make eye contact with any of the three. 

Jimin motioned for Y/N to cross the room towards their three classmates, and Y/N had no choice other than to walk towards them (especially since Joshua and Seungcheol were watching this whole encounter from next to Y/N, daring to give them a little push on the back to get them to start walking). 

“Hi, Y/N! It’s so nice to see you!” Jimin gave Y/N an eye-smile while Taehyung waved. Jeonghan just stood there, not knowing what to say. 

“Hey!” Y/N was breathless. They weren’t sure whether it was because of the lack of space in the room for normal movement or the fear of being this close to Jeonghan. 

Y/N looked over to Jeonghan and shot him a quick smile, hoping that it was so fast he wouldn’t have even noticed it. 

Sadly he did. Jimin and Taehyung also must have noticed it, as they quickly made basic conversation before they awkwardly excused themselves to go find someone who they refused to name. 

That just left Y/N with Jeeonghan. 

Jeonghan coughed. “Um. Hey, Y/N.” 

“Hey.” 

The two stood there for a few seconds in awkward silence. 

“Look, I’m really sorry, Y/N,” Jeonghan set the cup he was holding down onto the snack table they stood next to. “I didn’t mean to basically ghost you. I just wasn’t expecting to get so busy so quickly and then…yeah.” 

“It’s whatever. I mean, I guess I’m kind of over it? Mina is definitely not but, yeah I just…don’t think it’s that big of a deal? I mean, it's been how long?”

Jeonghan nodded. “Well, I mean, we were best friends and I still lo- like your company just as much as I did then.” 

“Thank you for your apology, then. I never really stopped considering you my best friend, you know.” 

Jeonghan smiled. “Then I guess it’s time to finally go pull more pranks on Joshua and Seungcheol?” 

“If you break anything, Mina will be so pissed at you.”

It didn’t take long for Jeonghan to tell Y/N, as well as Joshua, Seungcheol and Mina that he got a contract closer to home. Of course, he was going to miss all the traveling, but he knew it would be good for Y/N and his friendship that he stayed. 

Otherwise, Jeonghan thought, how is he going to get Y/N to finally admit to their feelings for him? He clearly remembered overhearing the conversation Y/N and Seungcheol had the night of the reunion. 

“You did like him though, didn’t you?” Seungcheol questioned Y/N as he was filling up their cup. “I mean, everyone could tell back in high school that your friendship wasn’t just a friendship.” 

“I mean, yeah. I did like him back in high school but…it’s been years. He’s got more things to worry about now, like his career, rather than worrying about his best friend falling in love with him.” Y/N took a sip out of their freshly refilled cup. 

“I bet you anything, that if you walked up to him and told him you were still in love with him, he would drop everything for you. He regrets his decision to leave because of what it did to you guys.” 

“Seungcheol, I don’t know. I mean, today is the first time I’ve seen him since graduation…I don’t want to ruin anything else.” 

“So you admit to it? That you’re still in love with him?”

Y/N thought for a bit. “Of course. How could I not be?”

[crayonwriting]

Big girl Katsumi

series masterlist

Katsumi woke up from Hiroku's squeals. She sleepily got out of her room and walked down the hallway to her brother's room. Hiroku bounced lightly on his feet at the sight of his sister by the door. Katsumi squeezed his cheeks together, kissing him on the lips. He smiled wider at her loving gesture. One by one, Katsumi started undoing the ties on Hiroku's bed so that she could lower one of the bed's fences. Once it was down, Hiroki crawled out. Katsumi left the door open so that he could follow her. They went to her room, where she handed him one of his walkers. While Hiroku was busy playing Katsumi got out of her pajama's and opened up her closet to look for something to wear. She spotted a sparkly black dress and went for it. After getting dressed, she pranced outside to the living room, where the uncles were. She ran up to one and held the skirt of the dress.  "Look at this." She whispered to the cameraman. She gave him a twirl and a bright smile. "Wow, you look pretty!" The cameraman complimented. Katsumi beamed and went to the other cameraman to show off her dress to him as well. She jumped around in excitement at the compliments she received. Remembering her father, she wanted to show him her beautiful dress. She instantly ran towards his room. Atsumu lay on his side, cuddling pillows between his arms and legs. Katsumi rounded the bed to her father's side but since he was in the middle of the bed, she couldn't reach him. Katsumi then decided to let him sleep for a while. An idea struck her and ran out of the room. "Uncle, my dad is sleeping. Please be quiet." Katsumi whispered. The cameraman agreed. Hiroku, who had settled himself in the living room, babbled to his sister. Katsumi told him to keep quiet as well. The small baby just giggled at her. Katsumi went to the kitchen. She noticed the loaf of bread on the island counter as well as a jar of Nutella. She wanted to make breakfast for her dad like how you did for him one morning. Using her trusted step stool, she got a spoon from one of the drawers. Going back to the kitchen island, she opened the jar of Nutella and scooped a small amount of the chocolate. She gave it a tentative taste. As the sweet treat touched her tastebuds, she couldn't help but eat another scoop. Two became three and then, four. Only when Katsumi smeared chocolate on her cheeks did she remember to start on Atsumu's breakfast. She successfully opened the bag containing the bread and got one slice. She did her best to scoop a good amount of chocolate onto the bread, making a small mound in the middle. She hopped down her stool and maneuvered herself to the refrigerator. Katsumi was able to easily pull out the jar of strawberry jam which was just by the door. Going back to her papa's sandwich, with the same spoon she used for the chocolate, she dipped it into the jam and put it on top of the chocolate mound on the slice of bread. Satisfied with it, she carried it carefully and put it on the table. Her next task included getting a glass and pouring in some milk. She was able to do it with minimal spills. She placed the glass beside the piece of bread. She noticed that there was something missing. "Banana!" She said out loud. Grabbing one from the kitchen counter, she placed it with the rest of her dad's breakfast. Finally feeling satisfied, she quickly ran back to her father's bedroom to wake him up. "Papa!" She approached his side of the bed. "Papa, wake up!" She tried reaching for him but he was laying on his side with his back towards her. Katsumi stood up on her toes to pull at the end of Atsumu's shirt. It took a few tugs before Atsumu opened his eyes. Rolling over, he saw Katsumi patiently waiting for him. Atsumu smiled at the sight of his beautiful daughter, first thing in the morning. He did a double take, noticing something different about her. Leaning on his elbow, he looked at Katsumi, "Did ya have some chocolate?" Katsumi smiled nervously and nodded. "Ya can't have chocolate for breakfast, ya know that right?" "But Papa, I made you a sandwich." "Oh? Really now?" " Yes!" His daughter nodded eagerly. "C'mon. You should eat."  She held on to his hand and tried pulling him out of bed. --- Atsumu, with Katsumi on his lap, sat by the table as they ate breakfast. Hiroku was beside them on his high chair. Katsumi munched on the crusts of a slice of bread while she fed a few pieces to her little brother. Atsumu held the slice Katsumi made on his left hand while he dipped a different piece of bread in to the small mound of chocolate and jelly. "Is it delicious, Papa?" "Mm-hmm!"  Atsumu took a big bite out of the bread. "This is so delicious! Thank you so much Katsumi-chan!" The little girl dipped her own bread into the choco-jelly mix and hummed in delight, definitely proud of herself. "Ya can probably beat yer uncle 'Samu in a contest!" Katsumi giggled at the compliment. "But uncle 'Samu is the bestest cook!" Atsumu widened his eyes, putting a finger against his lips. "Don't tell that to yer mama!" --- "I realized why people are so adamant on having daughters." Atsumu chuckled. "They have this invisible hold---especially on their father's heart that's just so powerful." He clutched at his chest. "This was the very first meal Katsumi has made for me. I enjoyed it very much." The blonde blushed furiously with a big, dopey grin. "I'll make sure to cherish all the meals she will make for her papa." --- After their breakfast, the three Miyas got cleaned up and prepared for a lazy day at home. Atsumu had picked up a tube of special lotion from Katsumi's room on their way to the living room. He settled himself on the carpet by the couch with Hiroku beside him. He had recalled you telling him to apply the lotion at least once everyday to the kids. He carefully put some on his fingertips and applied it to Hiroku's arms. "I want to help put lotion on Hiroku." Katsumi held out her palm to her father. Atsumu put a small amount on it. She rubbed it between her hands and wiped it off on her brother's face. Hiroku was startled as his sister applied the lotion a little too harshly for his sake. Atsumu just let out a breath and told her to be more gentle. Katsumi wiped the remaining lotion on her dress. She actually didn't like having lotion on her body. It makes her feel sticky and hot. "Katsumi-chan look at me." She saw her father wipe a glob of the lotion on his own cheek. While he laughed thinking it was the best thing ever, she didn't find it as amusing. "Let's put some on Hiroku-kun!" He did as he said, putting a glob on his son's cheek, which made both boys laugh. Katsumi had an uneasy expression on her face as she dreaded what came next. Atsumu turned to her, "It's yer turn, my princess." Katsumi immediately ran away from her dad with a distressed face---eyebrows together and huge frown on her face. She shook her head firmly. Atsumu just chuckled, already putting a small amount on his fingertip. "Why not? So that ya can match with me and yer brother." He stood up and approached her. "C'mon. Let me just‐--" "No! Papa, no!" She ran away from him again, grabbing a pillow from the couch to protect her face. Tears were threatening to fall from the corners of her eyes. "Okay, I won't! See?" He wiped the lotion on his other cheek. "It's on me now." He smiled, hoping to calm her down. She walked around him, still wary, before sitting down on the floor with Hiroku. Little did she know that her papa had sneakily grabbed the tube and put some on his fingertips. Atsumu pretended to get something from the kitchen and then he quietly creeped up behind Katsumi. Just as she stood up, he quickly did a swipe on her cheek, successfully putting some lotion on her face. Not even a second passed before Katsumi cried out. She looked at her father, feeling betrayed. Atsumu chuckled nervously as he started to think that his joke was not that funny. His daughter stomped away from him and towards one of the cameramen. "Uncle...," she cried to him. The flustered cameraman did his best to wipe away her tears. Katsumi walked away before the cameraman could wipe away the glob of lotion still on her cheek. "Katsumi-chan, I'm sorry. Come here please." Atsumu said from the sofa. Katsumi sobbed and glared at her father. She shook her head 'no.' "Aww, yer breakin' my heart, princess. I'm really sorry. Please forgive me." He did his best pout, batting his eyes at her---the Miya killer move. You have fallen victim for this pout and puppy eyes combo many times from your husband and, now, your daughter. They used it whenever they wanted something and it's highly effective. Katsumi huffed out, reluctantly sitting beside her father. Atsumu cheered softly and held Hiroku closer, who was sat on his other side. He pulled out his phone. "Let's take a picture for yer mama!" He held the phone at arms length, opening up the camera app. "Katsumi! Hiroku! Smile!" Hiroku smiled at the sight of his father's smile. Katsumi, despite her eyes still wet with tears, smiled a beautiful smile while also putting up two of her fingers in a peace sign. Atsumu took a few snaps before pocketing his phone. He gathered his children in his arms, showering them with a ton of kisses.

---

tags: @plump-peach / @keijikunn / @izumikunmy / @daphnxy​ 

a/n: hello! yes, i am still alive. i was supposed to post this along when i finish the sakusa and iwaizumi parts buuuuut who knows when i'll finish those. i actually reached 1.6k followers last wednesday which i am suuuuuuper thankful for. i want to do those event thingies but no one has ever joined and also, idk how to do those so yeah. i just checked it out and i lost 1 follower but bah! it doesn't matter, i'm just glad that you, reading this now, are here. thank you! 💚💚💚💚

i'm sorry to those who were waiting for an update. there's a lack of motivation going on but i'll work on that for y'all. so, pls bear with me 🥺🙏 alsooo, the next set of dads are close! so ig you can look forward to that too. 

thank you for understanding! 

05.16.2021

[cocobittiebites]

Hello!! This is my 2nd ask.. I just wanted a Scenario when Hisoka is being Saved by a extremely Powerful Woman who has a very cold Appearance... This Woman saved him during the fight of Chrollo.. Sorry for my Second Ask.. I'm just really loved him.. By the way I'm very satisfied on your blogs😊😊😊😊😘😘😘😘❤️❤️❤️❤️

TELL ME WHY I FORGOT I WROTE THIS A COUPLE DAYS AGO???? LIKE FR THIS WAS DONE ON THURSDAY- talk about forgetfulness 🧍🏻‍♀️

Some things that I added cuz creative liberty and all that jazz: y/n is apart of the main four (well it’s five now on my blog ig), I just love found family ok. Also it gives her depth and a decent reason how she knows Hisoka. Her nen ability was based off of my favorite six of crows character, Nina Zenik (who i also probably based her personality off of)

Also fair warning I can barley understand Nen and how is works whenever it’s explained so yeah here is me bullsh*ting it 🧍🏻‍♀️ I tried for y’all though...

Hisoka x fem!reader

TW: Hisoka being Hisoka, mentions of blood and gore (not that much but still), really this is pretty tame compaired to a lot of things on this app, y/n has strong opinions

Why did she have to get tangled up with this clown yet again? No amount of money is worth dealing with this.

At least she had the intuition to view the fight from her room at Heaven’s arena. From the looks of this the two fighters completely disregarded the sanctity of common courtesy as they brought the audience in their petty quarrel. 

Men and their egos.

The hypocrisy of the situation never ceased to amaze her.

He’s mad that Hisoka sold out the troupe and had a hand in the death of their members? Really? After they probably done far worse? 

She watched up on the screen as the audience members began flying towards the aforementioned clown, internally jerking back as Hisoka’s arm was completely severed.

Just like his fight with Kastro.

But it wasn’t like his fight against Kastro. This was a fight against the leader of the Phantom Troupe and this Chrollo guy….he was no joke. At least in his fight against Kastro it was like a game in his favor. Here though, he was the prey and this Chrollo guy seems vengeful. 

As she focuses on the magician, the situation seemed to hit Hisoka.

It was all incredibly dramatic.

And incredibly stupid.

A huge explosion erupted. Bodies piled up. Chrollo’s the last man standing. 

Hisoka is dead.

Hisoka is dead.

Hisoka is dead.

The words chant in her head like a sour requiem. A feeling of dread washes over her psyche. A wave, a panic arises. Her body moves involuntarily and she runs out the door towards the arena. Once she’s there she stills and takes a breath.

Stop being dramatic….This situation is exactly why he asked you to be here.

As a manipulator she could control a person’s hearts. If she was ever caught in a fight she could practically stop an opponent and give them an artificial cardiac arrest, not that she couldn’t fight her way out without her ability. With this ability she was also able to slow someone's heart rate, either calming them or putting them to sleep. The downside of it was that she had to be within a fifteen foot radius of whoever she’s using it on and there needs to have been a point of contact with the other person within an hour's time frame. 

Aura is all around the body you see, and the core of it is the heart. If it was any other organ, like the brain for example, without a modifier like needles, her nen ability would not be possible. Call it her individuality complex, but something about modifiers made her equate it to people like Illumi Zoldyck. It left a bad taste in her mouth. 

There also was a chance that if she overexerted herself, say stopping more than 3 peoples hearts at a time, she could overwork her heart rate and die. Then again, there are downsides to everything. 

Really it was an ability she was particularly proud of. Well she did develop her nen faster than the others. When she showed Gon and Killua her ability they started bombarding her with endless questions. Though there wasn’t a name for it yet. Leorio and his ever present doctor knowledge just kept spewing out heart-related medical terms.

Cardiac is a good name though. 

God. She really missed her friends.

At least you get to see Kurapika when this is all over.

Back to the matter at hand. Hisoka is dead and before he died he asked her to restart his heart to bring him back to life. After much harassment from him against her and her friends, she was bound to say no, however fifty-million jenny is fifty million jenny. A bag is a bag, could you blame her?

Schooling her face she enters the ‘arena’, if you could call it that. The place was completely decimated. The ceiling was ready to crumble completely. Dead bodies littered the entire room. The iron smell of blood wafed up her nose, cringing internally.  In the middle lies Hisoka, face mauled, a missing nose, and several severed limbs. 

Geez, it's like he wants to make her job difficult. 

Peering over to the entrance on the other side she spots a certain pink-haired spider. Machi stands above Hisoka as she uses her nen stitches to put his limbs back together. 

Oh so this is his plan.

She takes no precaution in disguising herself through Zetsu, as she pulls her face into a stony exterior. It works as the pink-haired woman senses her presence and turns up in arms towards her. 

“You” Machi spits out.

“Me” she says mockingly.

“What are you doing here.”

Pointing to the man himself, “The clown wanted me to restart his heart,” sauntering over to where Hisoka’s body laid there, “a fail-safe, if you will.” 

Machi rolls her eyes, “I thought a goodie-goodie like you wouldn’t help a guy like him?”

Shrugging her shoulders she walks up to the spider and brushes Machi’s hair behind her ears, “Fifty-million jenny is fifty million jenny.”

Machi doesn’t say anything. Paying no mind the girl kneels down to the magenta magician. His face, once handsome, now bashed and torn up. She wouldn’t admit it to him but she felt a small pang in her heart at the sight of him. 

You shouldn’t feel bad. He’s the cause of his own ruination. 

Placing both hands on his chest she feels for signs of where his heart is. Once finding it she focuses her aura into her hands and into his heart. Raising her connected hands once she pushes down roughly, in turn restarting his heart. Hopefully he still had some blood flow still lingering in the brain. 

It took a minute but after a while of pumping his heart herself she felt his breath even, indicating that he would be fine on his own for now. In a moment of relief she watched his eyes flutter open. 

His eyes focused, slightly dazed and disoriented, but surprised that he is seeing at all. Still he sees her towering over him, as icy as fresh fallen snow. Her expression is blank, devoid of any hatred or fondness. Still she’s ethereal like this. Light shrouded her like a halo, as if she was an angel of death. For a moment he thought he had died and entered a Heaven he did not deserve. 

What a welcome sight <3, he thought.

Machi looked at the pair stunned. So that’s what her nen ability is. Chrollo isn’t going to be happy about this. Slipping past the pair, she left the room to tell her boss about this new development. 

“What a coincidence Y/N, I didn’t know you cared about me this much,” his signature smirk marring his face. She watches as he fills his gapping nose with bungee gum and covers it with his texture surprise. 

Vain as usual.

She scowls at him, “I care about your wallet,” saying it as coldly as possible. 

“Ouch that hurts~” 

“You literally just died.” 

“So now your concerned, hmm~” 

Rolling her eyes she asked, “Well, I hope you learned something from this experience.” Raising her hand she checks his pulse, “What are you going to do about Chrollo and his gaggle of arachne?” 

“This was a sort of wake up call so to say~,” he sits up moving closer to her face, eyes darting towards her petaled lips. He reaches over to caress her face, but she swats his hand and glares, “From now on I won’t give my opponents a choice when and where we fight, it makes things more...interesting.” The magician reveals at the thought. 

Oh how magnificent our fight will be, Y/N

“As for the troupe, I plan on hunting them down,” he moves closer to her ear and then whispers, like a promise between two lovers, “one. by. one.” 

Leaning back to see her cold exterior crumble was a sight to see. Her eyes, wide and shocked, looked like a doe in headlights. Her mouth, deliciously agape, felt tempting to touch. There he was, powerful and sadistic Hisoka, toying with whether he should worship the woman in front of him or break her. 

Decision, decisions. 

“Either way I’m going to need someone to rip their hearts out with.” 

Oh~, this is where the fun begins <3

[sidecarghost]

Suptober20 - Day 21 Fear Part 1

HighSchool!AU with a little bit of Soulmate trope - this AU has a phone app that can tell you the fears of your soulmate

Part 1/2 (part 2 is an epilogue that kind of changed the feel of the story enough that I decided to split into separate post)

Summary: Dean wants to get Castiel on a date and asks his best friend Charlie for help. Charlie tries to convince Dean just to talk to Castiel, but Dean is sure that Castiel doesn't even know he exists.

“Please Charlie, have some pity on me,” Dean laments tragically. He sits at the lunch table across from his best friend Charlie. He attempts his best puppy eyes to help his cause.

“Just talk to Castiel or I can talk to him. Your plan to rig his soulmate app results is so bizarre. I really can’t believe it has any chance at working,” Charlie counters.

“You just need to have faith, and I’m sure you can do it Charlie. Please don’t abandon me in my hour of need,” Dean begs his friend.

“Okay, okay enough with the guilt trip. You owe me after this Dean. But I’m not hacking Cas’s phone. We share a CompSci class. I’ll just ask him to beta test a soulmate clone app that will be loaded with a few random things you can try to be scared of,” Charlie explains.

“Thanks Charlie, you’re my hero,” Dean smiles enthusiastically.

“I’ll work on the app later, and text you after school,” Charlie tells Dean as she picks up her lunch tray and leaves the cafeteria. Dean floats to his next class with complete optimism that this plan will work.

~~ Later on, Charlie texts Dean ~~

Charlie: How is this for the list of your fears for the soulmate clone app?

Clowns

Cockroaches

Opening up to people

Germs

Demonic Possession

Cat jumping out of locker

Dean: Really “opening up to people?”

Charlie: Yeah, you can walk up to Castiel and tell him that you like him, and you were scared to tell him before. And then we can skip the rest of this bizarre plan.

Dean: Not happening.

Charlie: Okay, then back to our overly-complicated and sure-to-fail plan. How about this list?

Clowns

Cockroaches

Public speaking

Germs

Demonic Possession

Cat jumping out of locker

Dean: Okay this will work, and I have some awesome ideas how to pull them off. Cas is in a few of my classes, so I just need to do some prep and everything will run as smooth as a drive in the Impala.

Charlie: So what are you thinking?

Dean: my awesome plan:

When I see Cas at bus drop off area, Garth can help scare me with a clown mask

During our HomeEc class I'll put a cockroach in my pie batter to scare me

Presenting our projects in civics, I can do a mini panic attack or something

During gym maybe I can get someone to sneeze on me and then overreact

I have a charm from my Uncle Bobby that he said would ward off evil spirits according to lore. But since monsters aren't real I'm not sure how that one will work.

Who has cats at school? I don't think this one will work, can you take it off the list?

Charlie: Ok, so 4 is probably enough, but ig wear your evil charm just in case. And you have totally grossed me out with #2.

Dean: hey, the things we do for love right? I do feel bad for the pie batter tho.

***

Charlie makes her soulmate clone app, and she asks Castiel if he wouldn’t mind beta testing it during their Computer Science class. Castiel looks at Charlie with a fair amount of skepticism, but Charlie is his friend so he decides to indulge her request and installs the app. Charlie tells him a story about how she hit the original app with some machine learning algorithms to feed her clone app. So her soulmate app should be just as reliable as the original. Castiel figures they can just test that theory by opening the original app and seeing if the fears listed in both the original app and Charlie’s app match. Charlie sighs, and says that is very sensible, but she thinks her algorithms may have actually found flaws in the original app, so the results could be different because hers are more accurate.

"Really you think your app could be more accurate Charlie?” Castiel asks with a heavy amount of skepticism. “As in, there is actually a chance that a random generator on some server, is in fact not random but knows who we are destined to be in love with. I don't think soulmates are even something I believe in, do you believe in them?"

"Well, I never used too," Charlie replies thoughtfully. "But I have a friend, and he has been pretty unlucky in love. Maybe some people just keep striking out, because they really were meant to be with one particular soul. And until they finally end up with that person, they just have a lot of heartbreaks and casual flings. Seeing my friend struggle, is enough to make me think that sometimes, cupid can be a soulmate app. Or maybe I'm cupid in this metaphor and the soulmate app is my arrow, I'm not sure. But anyway, I guess what I mean is, romance doesn't only have to exist in romcoms. Sometimes we can let go of our fears, and believe in some greater force like destiny or soulmates or a very efficient machine learning algorithm will find us something we never knew we were missing, like the love of our lives."

"It sounds like your friend is lucky to have you," Castiel says.

"Yeah, he totally is," Charlie smirks.

"So what can I do with your soulmate app to help you and your friend's cause?" Castiel asks.

"Just look over my soulmate app results to see the kind of things that it lists as your soulmate’s fears, and I guess let me know at the end of the week if you found your soulmate, potential soulmate, or at least someone worth a date or two," Charlie says sheepishly.

Castiel checks the clone app results and laughs, "Okay, Charlie I'll keep you posted."

~~

Charlie: Castiel has the app. Good luck! Dean: Awesome! Tyyyy!

~~

Dean is not having good luck with these fears, and is beginning to think Charlie may have been right calling this plan too bizarre or complicated to succeed.

The first failure was the clown. Everything was going smoothly. Castiel was walking by him after leaving the bus drop off, and Garth jumped out with perfect timing wearing his creepy clown mask. But before Dean could say a word, Sam started screaming like a kid possessed. It was all Dean could do to calm his kid brother down and show him that it was just Garth playing a prank. Sam gave Dean and Garth the ultimate bitchface, and any hopes of that fear establishing his soulmate status with Castiel were gone.

Then there was the crisis with the cockroaches. For some reason, Garth was able to give him a cardboard box of several large cockroaches. And Dean was feeling pretty good about his chances of success, because Sammy wasn't there to scream bloody murder at the bugs. But when he went to get the cardboard box he found it empty. As the emptiness of that box registered in his brain, the shrieks from Meg and Jo's station gave him a good clue where the cockroaches were. Dean shook his head, and he looked over to see Castiel watching Meg and Jo take their rolling pins to squash the bugs. "Crap, now Cas is going to think Meg or Jo is his soulmate." Dean was definitely going to have to sell some panic for the Civics presentation.

But it seemed that fate was mad about Dean trying to rig the soulmate clone app results because the Civics presentation ended as the worst failure so far. Dean and his Civic project partners Anna and Kevin had taken their place at the front of the class. Dean checked out Castiel, who was seated in his desk and watching him and his partners attentively. Dean ran through in his head how he could nervously drop some things and sell the whole paranoia for public speaking. While Dean daydreamed a bit about Castiel's sexed up looking hair, he was snapped back to reality by the sound of vomiting coming from his left. He turned to see Kevin had upchucked all over Anna. Apparently Kevin was actually afraid of talking in front of people and that stress had affected his digestion. And it turned out that Anna was a bit of a germaphobe, because she seemed equal parts afraid of catching a disease and disgusted that her clothes were stained in barf.

Dean was faced to admit defeat, every fear meant to establish him as Castiel's soulmate had slipped through his fingers. And unless a demon suddenly appeared he was out of options.

Gym class was the last class he shared with Castiel. Dean was not going to bother to try to get sneezed on. Seeing Anna covered in upchuck was enough germs for one day. His gym teacher told the class to run laps around the building, and Dean began to run at a steady pace.

"Hello Dean," Castiel had run up alongside Dean and matched his speed so they could chat.

"Oh, hey," Dean turned to see Castiel had a slight smile and that was enough to encourage him to return with his own smile. Maybe Dean should try Charlie's original advice and just talk to Castiel. "How's it going Cas?"

"Pretty good. How's your brother? I think I saw him get upset on the way in to school today," Castiel says.

"Oh, he's okay," Dean grins sheepishly. "He is afraid of clowns, and I kind of had this prank idea with Garth. But since I can be a self-absorbed, older brother I didn't really think through how that would affect Sammy."

"Yeah, it seems like there has been plenty of weird stuff going on at school today between the clowns, cockroaches, and vomit," Castiel says cocking an eyebrow at Dean.

"Tell me about it. Sometimes I just wish I could hit a restart button, and start the day over without all the weird," Dean shakes his head.

"You know Charlie Bradbury right? If it was possible to program a restart button I would talk to her," Castiel replies. "We are in Computer Science together, and I think she knows more about the subject than our teacher."

"Oh yeah, I know Charlie. We have been best friends since kindergarten," Dean tells Castiel. "And I have no doubt that she is smarter than your Computer Science teacher."

"Do you mind me asking what that charm is on your necklace?" Castiel asks.

"Oh, just this thing from my uncle. Supposed to ward off evil things or bad spirits." Dean tells Castiel.

"I guess that would be a good thing to wear if you were afraid of demon possession," Castiel deadpans.

"Uh..." Dean finds himself at a loss for a response. Dean has the sneaking suspicion that Castiel has figured out everything about “beta testing” Charlie’s soulmate app. He considers changing course from circling the school, and instead running flat out the entire way back to his house. Maybe Charlie can get him an assumed identity.

Before Dean has a chance to flee, Castiel continues the conversation. “Do you have a cat in a locker somewhere?" He asks with interest.

"Of course not," Dean tries to hold back a laugh and fails. "Charlie was supposed to take that off the list. So I guess you found me out." Dean glances towards Castiel to get a read on his expression.

"Well, I did tell Charlie I'd give her app a chance," Castiel replies with a soft smile towards Dean. "Would you like to go on a date with me later? Maybe we can find out if we are soulmates or not."

"Yeah, Cas," Dean says with a dazzling smile. "I really would like that."

[twdmusicboxmystery]

ABC’s Big Sky Parallels

Hey Everyone! Today’s theory is short and sweet. It was pointed out to me by the wonderful @monroe0626librarian (IG).  

So, we can file this under the heading of when actors from TWD do small shows on AMC. If you don’t know what I mean, check out THESE THEORIES.

The gist is that when an actor leaves TWD, we’ve seen a pattern of them doing small shows on ABC. By small, I just mean short-running (usually only 1 season) shows that don’t have a huge audience. We’ve seen it happen again and again over the years.

Examples:

Emily Kinney: Conviction (1 season) and Ten Days in the Valley (mini-series)

Lauren Cohan: Whiskey Cavalier (1 season)

Sydney Park: Pretty Little Liars: The Perfectionists (1 season)

Michael Cudlitz: The Kids are All Right (1 season)

This list isn’t exhaustive. I think there are a few others. And I haven’t, by far, done theories on them all. This is just something I’ve kept an eye on.

But I want to draw everyone’s attention especially to Lauren Cohan and Sydney Park. And to some extent, Michael Cudlitz. Neither Lauren nor Sydney “died” on the show, but they were gone for extended periods of time before being brought back. 

So the biggest pattern I’m seeing here is actors that TWD wants to keep around, but because they won’t be on the show for a time, they need to find some other reason to pay them and keep them from seeking jobs elsewhere. So they find them jobs with ABC, which is a sister company to AMC. And in each case, the shows are small, one-season series, because the point is for them NOT to be continuous jobs, so the actor can come back to TWD at the appointed time.

With Michael Cudlitz, obviously he is dead on the show, but most of us think that we’ll see Abraham again, perhaps in the second spinoff (not the Daryl/Carol one, but the “Tales of the Walking Dead” one) in a origins story about him and Eugene. Plus, we also know they really like him for behind-the-camera work and he’s directed several episodes and such.

So, the point of all of this is that 1) Emily has done not 1 but 2 abc series, which suggests the AMC/ABC entity is keeping her around for some reason. That’s also why she hasn’t gotten any major jobs on any other big show. 2) We’ve often seen parallels to TWD in these little ABC shows.

Now, let me first say that I haven’t watched most of the ABC shows. So, if there were parallels in all of them, I probably wouldn’t know. But I do know that at the end of TDITV, Emily’s character was shot in the head. Just like Beth. I also know that many TDers saw tons of parallels to her character in Conviction, though I only watched a couple of episodes of that myself.

So, this is a lot of background to prepare you for today’s theory, which has to do with a show called Big Sky. I watched the first half of season 1, and honestly wasn’t even thinking about TD parallels until @monroe0626librarian pointed them out to me.

*Warning: spoilers for the MSF of Big Sky are below. If you don’t want to be spoiled, stop reading!*

I watched this show it because it was a crime show. I thought it would be about a serial killer (I like those types of shows) but it turned out to be more of a human trafficking thing. Anyway, I watched it and liked it and never even thought to connect it to TD. I probably should have, but it was Christmastime and I was distracted. ;D

But what @monroe0626librarian pointed out is that in the mid-season finale of this series, a guy (a cop) was shot in the head. And he actually said a few words before he hit the ground. So, her theory is that he’s actually still alive, and will be revealed so when the show returns.

Now, I get that that, in itself, is a fairly small tie, but there are other things I haven’t told you. This guy is a state trooper and he’s involved in the trafficking operation. He’s doing it to increase his retirement pension. He’s played by John Carroll Lynch (guy that played Eastman).

Now, as I said, I never thought to connect this to TWD in any way. I knew who JCL was before he was on TWD, and it’s common for him to play villain roles. But when @monroe0626librarian mentioned this, I started thinking about it, and realized there really are quite a few ties.

First, he’s a cop, which made me think of Grady cops. Two girls are taken. One is blond, and the other does display some Beth-like gusto. There’s even a bow-and-arrow involved. I honestly can’t remember if it’s a crossbow or a long bow.

I’m also wondering about Ryan Phillipe’s character. This is just a wondering, and I’ll have to watch the rest of the season to know for sure, but I’m wondering if he’ll end up being paralleled with Beth’s character as well. I won’t say too much more about that, but I’ll let you know.

Now,  I think you all know I don’t particularly like going outside the show for symbolism. I only do it when there’s ample evidence that we should be looking at something beyond the scope of the show.

I watched this show on the Hulu app, and for some reason, I was thinking it was CBS that put it out. And that wouldn’t have any particular ties to AMC. But when I considered that JCL was in it, I looked up the company and found I was wrong. It wasn’t put out by CBS. It was made by ABC. Because I simply didn’t realize that, my mouth dropped open when I discovered it.

Yeah, I’m a convert. Too many suspicious ABC series with TWD actors in them to not side-eye this.

And because this character was shot in the forehead, @monroelibrarian suggested he was pretty much shot where Beth was, which is true, but I think we could even argue that he was shot exactly where Daryl shot Dawn. You know, the cop?

So yeah. That’s pretty much the gist. Kinda small potatoes, but yet another ABC show, with previous TWD actors in it, that has Beth ties in it. I doubt it will amount to much more than that, but I’ll keep watching the show, whenever it returns, and report on anything else I find.

Did anyone else watch this show?

[scgdoeswhat]

Unpacking The Elementalists Finale

I’d like to dedicate this to my dear Kane anon (and other TE anons) who have been hitting my ask box up for the last several months. I’m sorry this took forever to get out and I know it doesn’t ease the fact that they ixnayed Kane, but hopefully this makes a little more sense of TE’s abrupt ending.

Without further ado...

I’ve been wanting to make this post since Book 2 Chapter 10, but life has been hectic. TE’s finale finally forced my hand and so here I am, with a bunch of theories, points, and thoughts I've had noted since the book came back from its hiatus. First off, now that TE is officially over (😭) we now know that the hiatus was primarily used to tie up all the loose story lines and to give us a tidy ending. The writing in the second half of the book was more solid, concise, and had a clear cut vision of what the writers wanted and where the plot was headed. As much as I hate to say it, the first half of the book may have been overly ambitious. They introduced the Moral Compass, potentially two villains in Kane and Alma, and a plethora of different storylines. I had a number of people tell me through the first five/six chapters of Book 2 that they were confused with the plot because it became too convoluted and hard to follow along. I think they introduced too many elements into the story, which dragged down the arc. Let’s break down some of these individually: The Moral Compass was something we were all excited to see implemented, because it gave us the potential to be an evil MC. In the end, we know it didn’t make much of a difference, save for dialogue and/or violent options. I think this was originally something intended to be greater than what it amounted to, and part of it is the limitations of the medium that the app is and simply, resources. This also ties into…. The plot involving Kane and Alma. I don’t believe having Kane as the Big Bad was supposed to be as defined as it ended up being. The two Sources were written far more ambiguous in the beginning, with the chance that depending on your choices, you could side with either one by the end of the book and/or series. The hiatus streamlined the plot, discarding elements that were difficult to pull off, including multiple MC point of views that may have held the possibility of being evil or choosing Kane, therefore placing Alma as the antagonist. In a narrative story app such as Choices (as opposed to Lovestruck, where the routes have the same players but different stories altogether), I just don’t think this advanced storytelling would have been doable. These plots are primarily linear, and MC being evil/with Kane/etc, it would present a different set of problems, including the fact that this becomes an entirely different story while there is supposed to be one solid ending. (For what it's worth, I enjoy the MC customizability of Choices more.) Looking at the group of friends, obviously Beckett was incredibly fleshed out while the others were not as much. I wanted to delve further into our friends’ backgrounds a bit more, and I think at the beginning of the book, we were on that path. Aster and her wood nymph family was a perfect example of table setting. We had two or three scenes before the hiatus to go to the forest, and I thought the Wand Wars and their involvement against Kane was slated to be more prominent. I think the writers had something bigger planned, but how would it all tie in if players started choosing the evil choices? Again, having too many choices causes a domino effect that makes it nearly impossible to navigate when the story is supposed to end with a particular goal in mind. The chapter where we can receive the wand was a symptom of ending the book early and I think the execution of the actual Wand Wars scene was lacking the emotional punch the initial introduction of it warranted. This is unfortunate because the setup they had in Book 1 made it seem much more violent, disastrous, and full of hate compared to what was shown (i.e. Attuned just being greedy bastards). We were introduced to Shreya's Serene & Sublime business and the potential of family disapproval and lack of support in the beginning, but everything was tied up with the gala chapter. Looking back, I was curious why it was so easy to get so many financial backers this early into the series, but knowing that TE only went for two books makes much more sense why we knew whether S&S succeeded or failed. (Tangent - for anyone who didn't secure backing, is S&S successful at the end of the book?) I think Griffin, his scholarship, and his decision between Natural Sciences and Thief was also slated to be a bigger subplot. We never met his parents, despite them being brought up very early in Book 1. If TE had gone the originally planned three or four books, I have no doubt his family would've been introduced and MC would have needed to help sway his parents (and the committee for the scholarship) whether Griffin continued on the NS or professional Thief path. Doing the Griffin scenes (even as platonic friends) influenced his standing for the scholarship and not doing them made him lose out to Amy, if I'm not mistaken. Question for everyone regarding Zeph and the Thief captaincy: Does he get it in everyone's playthrough? I wonder if the writers always planned for Zeph to get the captaincy or if Griff would have kept it depending on your playthrough if they had all four books to use. Another big plot point that resolved itself out of nowhere was Atlas and MC butting heads over their Sun Source mother. I was not a fan of this storyline at all. I felt like the disagreements between the siblings was unnecessary drama that came off as forced. They tried to explain Atlas' position, and I understood where they were coming from, but Atlas was very unreasonable with their constant “who cares about mom” shtick.

I think this was something that could have been more impactful if there weren't so many plotlines happening and more focus could have been given to it instead of a few screens of Atlas saying they were pissed off before storming away from MC. This was also a plotline that was directly influenced by the Kane/Alma decisions. If MC sides with Kane, it makes much more sense for MC and Atlas to be against each other as opposed to MC being good/siding with Alma.

Five major subplots were opened, but how do you seamlessly weave these elements into a 17-19 chapter book? In my opinion, you can't. Each time something new was introduced, I felt things were glossed over, despite big chunks of chapters being focused on whichever subplot the chapter was about. Throw in the romance and I think it is nearly impossible to resolve each aspect in a complete manner.

What also hurt was the pacing of the series. This was also seen in Book 1, where sometimes a chapter would span one or two days, only for a huge time jump to occur in the next chapter.

So many ideas could have been explored through the course of four books (which is what I believe they had planned), but all the different elements should have been introduced at different times. Instead, Book 2 was an amalgamation of so many ideas but not enough time, space, or resources to thoroughly hash out and have a satisfactory resolution. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it was having too much Beckett that hurt the series. He obviously kept the series afloat and was one of PB's biggest moneymakers in recent history. Despite the constant complaints on tumblr, people fail to realize that the ENTIRE online fandom (FB, IG, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, Wiki) comprises maybe 0.5% - 2% of the ENTIRE player fan base. It only made sense that PB capitalized on him because their numbers dictated that the resources should be spent in that manner. The fallout from this was that Beckett was the only one who had his storyline relatively complete, and that was due to the spending power of everyone who romanced him. I think what hurt them the most was the multiple storylines and the indecision of which direction they wanted to go. They had a grand idea of the direction through Book 2 (and Book 3, let’s not lie here) but in-game mechanics and the type of game Choices is made it difficult to pull off. The app wasn’t the correct medium for what they envisioned. In my opinion, the overall story arc had the potential to be brilliant, but again, the app wasn't designed for the type of story the writers wanted to tell.

I also think the timing and having a very short turnaround hurt, as well. Players had high expectations and when you factor in the hype around the other books that were also released on Fridays, TE lost some of its sparkle. Most players didn’t get a chance to miss it for the regular 2-3 months we’ve been trained to wait for sequels. (I recognize that I’m an anomaly and the previous three sentences do not apply to me at all.)

Even with all this, I applaud the writing team for wanting to deliver a story that was worthy of a magical world. I love all the Pend Pals (‘Motley Crue’ for me), the familiars, the side characters, loved to hate the villains, and from someone who is not into Harry Potter lore at all, I was absolutely sucked into the magick universe that the writers built. (Metal Att for life ⚙!)

If TE does return in the future (and I REALLY hope it does), I think it will be even stronger than the first two books because the world building is complete. We know almost everything we need to know now. Instead of using a Book 3 to search for Sun Mama, the family is complete, MC and Atlas are attuned to all the elements, and there are so many open-ended questions that Book 2 left us.

If they implement a time jump where MC and the Pend Pals are all post grad/mid 20s, it also gives the writers a chance to move the story from the Young Adult genre to a more mature setting. We saw this in the later diamond scenes, where the writing appeared similar in their vividness (and coding in the final scene - THANK YOU, glorious writing team) to Open Heart, Bloodbound, and A Courtesan of Rome. This removes the restrictions placed on the group of being college kids, and therefore are almost fully developed with their magick, giving the possibility of moving the story out of a university setting.

If you've made it all the way here to the bottom, thank you for sticking with me and apologies for spelling/grammar since this has all been on my phone 😂 I think this comprises almost all my notes I've been keeping for the last 2 months. Feel free to agree or disagree; I just wanted to post my thoughts on this book and series that I love so much.

Now, I'm going to go back to my holiday (don't worry, I didn't write all of this while on vacay lol) and I'll try to answer asks when I have downtime.

[bluesfortheredj]

Standing behind Gwilym and Joe, you jump a little at the feel of Ben’s arm snaking its way around your waist gently, and when you look in his direction he gives you a wink that sends a jolt of electricity throughout your body. You smile up at him as you lean in closer to his body and he kisses your temple twice before giving your side a squeeze.

“Are you okay?” he whispers as he nudges his nose through your hair and grazes his lips against your ear. You give a small nod in reply as you try and focus on the two men in front of you, but it’s no use as Ben’s warm breath sets fire to your skin.

“You know we haven’t actually started to film yet, right?” Joe asks as he turns to face you both.

“I know,” Ben smirks.

Joe rolls his eyes before turning back to face the crew and you can feel Ben’s eyes drifting over your body as you stand next to him as still as possible. It was difficult to concentrate around him and it had been like this since day one when he’d given you a lingering hug after you’d been introduced. It was no hardship pretending to be his other half, it all came very naturally as his affections continued off screen as well, but you knew it was purely to keep in character and help you feel comfortable when the cameras did start to roll.

“What are you doing for lunch?” Ben asks as your break begins.

“I was just going to get a sandwich from the food van,” you reply, painfully aware of how boring your answer sounds.

“Mind if I join you?”

“Of course not,” you smile. Ben takes your hand as you start to walk off set then swings your arms in the thin gap between your bodies and you hear giggling coming from behind you both.

“Guys!” Joe calls out, causing you both to turn around. You’re greeted by the sight of him laughing as he holds his phone up and films you both, then the laugh of Gwilym as well when they notice that you and Ben are doing your best supermodel pouts down the camera. “Did you two plan that?”

You look at one another with the same facial expression then start to crack up as Joe ends the short video and uploads it straight to his instagram story. Within moments both of your phones are buzzing with notifications of being tagged in screenshots of the video and the captions make you laugh as you make your way to the van to get some lunch.

“Oh, they’re cute together,” Joe smirks as he watches the video again once you’d both disappeared from sight. Gwilym peers over his shoulder to take a look as well, and chuckles lightly as he nods.

“You’re right. They’re cute. I’ve got a feeling they won’t need plus ones to the premiere when it comes around...”

You chuckle quietly as Ben sits down on the armchair in the studio with your hand in his, then tugs you down onto his lap and proceeds to run his fingers up and down the side of your thigh delicately. You rest your arm around his shoulders as your free hand finds a comfortable spot on his chest and he looks up at you with a smile before leaning in for a kiss.

“Roger, concentrate!” Gwilym sighs in exasperation as Brian.

“I am, I am!” he laughs, turning his attention to the guys but keeping a tight grip on your waist.

There were no speaking parts for you which suited right down to the ground, as you knew you’d mess them up from nerves if you did have to say something, and to be honest having Ben lavish you with attention was more than enough for you. The scene soon ends but as you go to get up Ben stops you from leaving, and you give him a questioning frown. Joe, Gwilym and Rami all watch as Ben whispers something to you and you both start to laugh uncontrollably, then the guys raise their eyebrows as they see Ben’s hand stop on your thigh and give it a hard squeeze as he bites his lip while trying to stifle another laugh.

“We’re being watched,” you say quietly as you lean in to Ben’s ear, and he shivers as your warm breath ghosts over his neck.

“Shall we take this somewhere a little quieter?” he asks.

“I think we should,” you nod.

You spot Joe with his phone once again as you turn to get up but he quickly puts it down when he notices you looking at him, and as soon as you and Ben get to his trailer all you can hear is his phone going off.

“Joe,” you both say at the same time.

Ben lifts his phone out of his bag and rolls his eyes before handing you the device to see you and Ben on Joe’s story yet again with hearts floating around you both as he zooms in an uncomfortable amount. You laugh at the short video then hand the phone back to Ben with an embarrassed smile.

“Feeling slightly relieved that filming’s almost over now,” you chuckle.

“You are?” Ben asks, feeling a little dejected.

“No! Well, yes… No, I mean being spied on by Joe,” you ramble, falling over your own words as you try to clarify what you mean.

“Ah! Yes, in terms of that, I agree,” Ben smiles, “but in terms of not being able to see you everyday...”

“Oh,” you reply shyly, completely unable to elaborate on your response.

“Sorry, was that too much?” Ben asks as he sits down opposite you.

“No, not at all. I just didn’t expect it.”

“You didn’t?” he almost laughs as he raises an eyebrow.

“Well, it’s all acting isn’t it?”

“Partly. But I’ll be first to admit that I haven’t had to act much around you,” he says as a blush creeps up his pale cheeks, “it’s come quite effortlessly when I’ve had someone as wonderful as you playing my other half.”

You sit in a stunned silence as you take in Ben’s words and your eyes look everywhere but at the man sitting opposite you while you try to think of an appropriate reply. An increasingly worried expression appears across Ben’s face when you finally make eye contact with him, and you know you need to say something soon before he gets the wrong idea.

“I agree,” you nod.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you grin.

“Well that’s a relief,” he sighs happily, “had me worried for a moment there.”

Time had passed at a rapid rate since that short conversation you’d both had and now you were only a couple of hours away from the premiere in a hotel room getting your hair and make up done by a team of incredibly talented people. There are three knocks on the door just as the last hair clip is slid into place, and Ben appears in the doorway as one of the team open it up.

“Hello- woah,” he gasps as you get up and walk towards him in all your preened glory.

“Don’t,” you blush, “I won’t be able to recreate this look at home.”

“I wouldn’t want you to,” he smiles, “you look just as beautiful in my sweatpants and old t-shirts when you’ve just woken up.”

He slides his arms around your waist and the people around you both suddenly aren’t quite sure where to look as he pulls you close and kisses you deeply. When you pull away you lift your hand and wipe a smudge of lipstick from just beneath his lip, then Ben pulls his phone out and waves it around in front of you.

“Sorry, could you just take a quick photo for us please?” he asks the woman standing closest to you both.

“Of course,” she smiles as she takes the phone.

Ben turns his body to face yours with one arm still around your waist and you mirror his action, then he lifts his free hand to place his fingers gently underneath your chin and kiss you. The woman is pressing the button on his phone over and over to capture the moment, then she hands it back with a huge smile across her face when Ben turns to her.

“Thank you,” he nods. He starts to swipe through the photos and chooses one when your lips are just about to meet and smiles are evident on both of your faces. You watch as he opens up the instagram app and selects that picture to be posted with the caption found my date to the premiere…

“You’re going to send the fans wild with that,” you laugh as he hits the share button.

“Not as half as wild as you’re sending me right now,” he winks.

Request: so I was thinking that yn played Rogers wife on the film and the fans(and cast) started to ship them(because both are super freaking cute!)even before the film (thanks to Gwilym and Joe ig stories for that)and found out that they actually started to date irl

@peachllobotomy

[hellevator-mp3]

you’re my wish (maybe it came true) || Part 1

Pairing(s): Changlix (so far)

Genre: Mainly fluff, ig??

Word Count: 1,700+

Warnings: None

Author Note: so, as anyone that follows my ao3 would know, this is just a random idea that i got, and it’s the only thing, really, that i can write for now bc it requires no planning??? (but don’t worry, the other au’s will be up soon!) and it was inspired by a soulmate body switch fic that i read, and also the get cool mv!

felix most certainly gets more than he bargained for, after his most anticipated wish comes true in the most unimaginable way possible

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

felix's daily mantras ranged from 'it's not that scary', to 'you can do it', even as far as 'it'll be okay'. the one that he never thought he'd use - and in a dream, nonetheless - was 'this can't be real'. but it was, at least in his dreams. he stood in the center of what looked like a school classroom - maybe ms. lee's? - facing off with a machine, with the words 'fortune teller cards - tear here' written on a plaque, with a slot just underneath it. before the curiosity had too much time to eat away at him, his dream self stepped forward and pressed the button just  a foot or so above the plaque, listening to the quiet churning inside the machine before what looked like a raffle ticket was spit out, into felix's waiting hand.  

his eyes widened at the words 'your wish has been granted', before confusion took place of wonder and he stared at it harder, wondering which wish it was. he had many - when his parents struggled, he wished to be strong and able to take away their problems. when the kids at school teased him for his looks, or the fact that he was shorter than 97% of the male population at the school, he wished to be someone bigger, someone taller. when his best friends all began finding their soulmates and getting into relationships, he wished that he could be like that, finding the one he was meant for, whoever that may be.  he wasn't allowed more than a few moments to think about it, before a loud, shrill shriek broke the serenity of the room, and he jolted up in bed.

an unfamiliar room greeted his arrival back into the waking world, and he scrambled out of bed to the mirror hanging on the wall, praying that maybe this was the wish that he wanted to come true the most - to meet the one he was meant for.  he stared at a strangers face in the reflective surface, at the sharp jawline and soft cheeks and bangs that he knew he could never pull off, and suddenly realized that he, felix lee, was inhabiting the body of his soulmate.  scrambling to the door and searching for a bathroom, felix realized that his soulmate must be older than he was, since it appeared that he lived in an apartment by himself, given that there were no other signs of life in the space that he found himself in.  just down the hall from the bedroom was the bathroom, where felix threw himself in front of the mirror to make sure that it wasn't a trick, even though he knew from the start that it wasn't.  his soulmate couldn't be much shorter than himself, maybe a few centimeters, but the strong jawline and stern face made him seem much bigger than he actually was.  felix turned his face this way and that way, taking in all the features of his soulmates face, making different faces towards himself in the mirror, and even playing with the piercings that hung from his ears.  it wasn't long before nature called, and he did his business before wandering out of the room to find something to eat, wondering about the morality of taking a shower while he was in a body other than his own.  he decided that if he a: had to go somewhere, or b: was still in this body the next day, he would take a shower.  

it wasn't long before he was exploring the rest of the apartment with a bowl of dry cereal in hand, munching on small fingerfuls at a time.  with sugar coated fingertips, he picked up a frame and took in the picture nestled inside - the same body that he was in stood at the center, with two people that were shorter than him on one side, and two taller on the other.  all of them wore bright grins, the happiness reflected in the photograph filling felix's own chest and making him smile as well, tracing his finger over the edge of the frame before setting it down.  he moved on to the next one, that appeared to be a family photo.  felix's soulmate sat in the center, seated in an ornate chair with a woman sitting on the arm of it, and a man standing just behind them, with his hands on their shoulders.  the smiles in the photo seemed fake, moreso for looks that actually being happy to take pictures with one another.  felix was reminded of the family photos that lined his own dresser in his dorm, pictures of his family on the beach and on a trip to the mountains and even once, when they went on a boat.  he could easily picture their faces in his mind, all sunburned smiles and a pure happiness radiating from the picture.  with a small sigh, he put the photo down and continued his amble around the room, stopping to examine the bookshelf full of records and cd's, most of the artists in a language he quickly recognized as korean, but could barely read.  it took him back to the time his mother had insisted that he learned her mother tongue, but he had refused, saying that he would never need it.  however, he did pick up the alphabet, and was using his small knowledge to sound out the words and try to pick out some words that sounded like their english counterpart.  after a few minutes, he gave up and moved on to the next area - the couch, with a coffee table in front of it and a laptop propped open on it's surface.  

sitting next to it was a phone, still hooked up to the charger.  felix set his bowl of dry cereal down, scooping another mouthful into his mouth as he fumbled with the phone, realizing quickly that it had a fingerprint sensor, and that his soulmate - thankfully - had his index finger put in.  it didn't take much for felix to find the app that would allow him to call his own phone, fingers automatically dialing his familiar number.  a second of hesitance led to him deleting it, before retyping it, a cyle that repeated itself numerous times before he finally hit the call button, holding the phone to his ear as he shoved more cereal in his mouth, waiting for the click that would let him know that he was connected.  it rang once, twice, three times, before he was sent to voicemail.  frustrated, he tried again, and then a third time, before finally giving up.  after piecing together that his soulmate was in south korea, and that his own body was in his home in australia, felix looked up the time differences and frowned.  he was only two hours behind the other, meaning that it was nearing noon in his home country, while it was only 10 am for him.  

sighing, felix flicked through the apps on the phone, tapping on facebook and then to his soulmate's profile, scrolling through in an attempt to piece together more about the other.  from what he saw, the other - seo changbin, he found out soon enough - was older, and didn't spend much time on facebook.  there were a few posts here and there, including a sudden influx for his birthday.  before long, felix had also located his twitter, finding a substantial amount more there than he had on any other social media - links to his soundcloud, rants about the industry that he worked in, and even friendly banter between himself and some of his friends, and even some of his followers.  as he was reading through a thread that the other had posted, a notification slid down from the top of the screen, indicating that an unknown number was calling, and prompting felix to accept or decline.  recognizing his own phone number, felix accepted and held the phone to his ear, listening to his own voice spouting a language that he knew he didn't know.  he told the other to calm down, slow down, and to find chris.  

chris was their best shot at a translator - having learned korean from a young age, chris was considerably better than felix, and was almost considered fluent.  there was shuffling on the other line, before a click signaled that he had been hung up on.  with yet another sigh, felix found himself leaning back on the back of the couch, staring up at the ceiling with the phone hanging limp in his hand.  there was a silence that seemed to stretch on forever, before the phone rang again, and felix accepted without even checking the number.  he heard his best friend's voice on the other line, speaking quickly with the other.  in english, felix called for his attention, and tried his best to explain what happened, about his wish and suddenly ending up in a strangers home.  he blamed the whole ordeal on himself, but was stopped in his tracks by chris.  "did you not see what day it is?" the elder asked, prompting felix to check the date on the computer, finding that it was his 20th birthday.  his mouth dropped open, remembering what his teacher had taught them about soulmates, and everything clicked into place.  

it wasn't long before felix and changbin were exchanging plans, filling one another in on the things that needed to happen until they switched back.  changbin requested that felix post a track that he had been working on, and actively promote it on social media until changbin was able to do it himself.  in return, felix asked that changbin keep his blog semi active, asking chris to help with translations of the content and such.  along with that, felix had a dinner with his family later that week - just in case, he filled changbin in on what that would entail, before changbin threw back that he had dinner plans with his friend group the day after.  they spent hours sharing information and plans, filling one another in on the things that needed handled.  

when they finally hung up, felix lay back on the couch with another long sigh, and a mantra of 'what did i get myself into?', followed shortly after with a loud groan.

[apptg554]

Dating App For Overweight

Dating App For Overweight Couples

Dating App For Overweight

Dating App For Overweight Women

Dating App For Overweight People

Dating App For Overweight Men

Dating App For Overweight Adults

Carolyn Lagattuta

Free dating apps for overweight in New Zealand let you connect with people who are actually open if not intentionally looking for the same things as you. You get to find an exercise buddy With all these great things that come with online dating services, it’s only a matter of time before you get to go on IG and start sharing posts with. Jul 17, 2019 Wooplus is one of the most famous and controversial dating services for overweight singles. This plus size dating site is positioned as the best online service for big beautiful women (BBW), big handsome men (BHM), and all people who love plus size singles. It has its pros: A chatroom for friendly flirting.

The Denver Post once cited a survey that found women were most afraid of meeting a serial killer online, while men were most scared of meeting someone who was secretly fat.

Dating for me would be harder by default.

Even at my lowest weight, I fell comfortably and surely in the category of fat girl, solidifying myself there as a permeant resident even as my body fluctuated over the years. I knew before I ever started online dating that building an OkCupid and Tinder profile would be an exercise in how comfortable I was with my body, and how comfortable I was letting total strangers judge my worth on whether I was attractive or not.

But I couldn't even land a date IRL. Why would OkCupid or Tinder be any different? Each time I filled out a profile, or matched with someone new, I had to clarify what has always been the most important piece of my appearance – that I am definitely, certainly, fat.

I used to believe that if I never acknowledged my weight, people wouldn't notice that I was fat. But on a platform where appearance is everything, I understood I'd have to be honest with, and about, myself in a way I hadn't been forced to before.

While some men don't think twice about adding a few extra inches to their height and rarely get called out, I wouldn't have the luxury of being able to pretend I was more skinny than I was. If I didn't make the state of my body obvious, I would be considered dishonest, and also had the potential to make a man's biggest fear come true by blindsiding him with the real size of my thighs.

Dating App For Overweight Couples

I am more than just my weight, and yet nothing would ever be as important.

Before signing up for OkCupid, I had never taken a full body shot of myself, not even the obligatory OOTD mirror selfie. My selfies were always taken from the shoulders up, and I considered them a form of self-appreciation; they were a celebration of the most attractive parts of me according to me.

On Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, it had never mattered that my body wasn't pictured in my uploaded photos, but I didn't have any choice when it came to my online profile. So, with my hair curled, a beat face, and my favorite outfit on, I took that full-length mirror selfie in my college bedroom, testing out angles and poses for my profile that made me look good but not too good.

Even though I didn't hate the way my body looked as much as I thought I would, there were other pictures I felt were prettier. But I placed those second in my profile's photo line-up, because it felt like something I was obligated to do. I had to be upfront about my fatness.

At first, I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of messages and matches I received when my profiles went live. Each time a guy would reach out, I would somehow work into the conversation that I had just recently lost fifty pounds, but was still fat, just in case they couldn't tell from the photos I had uploaded.

A few would stop responding. Some would congratulate me and say that they appreciated my honesty. However, the overwhelming response was that they'd messaged me because of my big body. Most of the messages flooding my inbox touted how luscious my “booty” was and how much they loved a “thick” girl. They also claimed to be happy to find a “real woman” who wasn't a “bag of bones.”

If I didn't respond, some would grow hostile, and throw my fatness back at me. One wrote, “I don't care if you're bitchy and uptight, I'd still eat your ass” after I explained to him that I was interested in someone closer to my own age. Another was sure to tell me that I was an “ugly, fat tease” and made the astute assumption that I'd be “single forever” if I continued to be so “picky” after I took too long to respond to him.

Funnily enough, I had been in the middle of writing him back.

There was a lot of men who claimed to love fat women, and I was flattered – sort of.

It felt good to feel desired – sort of.

I quickly grew tired of only talking about my body, which was partly of my own making, but also seemed to be the only thing these men were interested in. I stopped responding to guys that opened with messages commenting on my appearance. Why didn't they want to talk about my favorite books? Or ask about my career? Why did every conversation have to be on the side of sexual?

I felt objectified, and more importantly, fetishized. All I had wanted while creating my profile was to meet someone new who accepted me and my body, but much like the men who simply didn't want to talk to me because I was fat, these men reduced me to nothing but the width of my hips, and that, I realized, was not what I wanted either.

But what did I want?

Turns out, online dating was the very beginning of a never-ending journey in my quest for self-love.

These days, I relish my curves, champion the cellulite that shows when I wear white jeans, and have done away with the fear that stopped me from wearing sleeveless shirts, short dresses, and anything high-waisted. I even started a YouTube channel, where my most viewed videos are those about my experience as a fat girl.

I've said goodbye to my dating profiles, deleted the apps, and stopped the search for love altogether. And not long after I did away with online dating, it occurred to me that my YouTube's inception wouldn't have happened if I hadn't spoken so openly about my body with my potential romantic partners.

OkCupid and Tinder gave me a forum to discuss my weight — it just wasn't the forum I was looking for.

I wanted the choice to talk about my body to be mine and mine alone, and I couldn't do that as I felt obligated to mention my size to avoid being branded as a “secret internet fatty” or a “catfish.” Now, not only do I take full body photos for my social media and my following, but I talk candidly and openly about plus-size fashion and film myself trying on clothes even when they aren't flattering. I love talking about my body – both its struggles and its successes.

I got what I needed from online dating as a fat girl – just not what I originally wanted. Now, I can control the conversations about my body, which is way more powerful than finding a man to love it.

Dating isn’t easy for anyone, but I maintain that it’s harder if you’re fat. It’s like, “How dare you be fat and expect the love and affection of another human being? How dare you go out on dates or hope for a sex life? You’re fat; you can’t have those things.” You’re viewed as audacious and delusional, and it’s really kind of ridiculous.

You can’t confidently share full-body pictures on dating apps. It’s an open invitation for comments that instantly remind you why you hate taking full-body shots in the first place. Even if you find a photo of yourself that you genuinely don’t hate, someone will come along and knock you down a peg or two. People will swipe right just to tell you that they’re not at all attracted to you. Okay, thanks?

Using your best angles is somehow considered a “lie.” Share a selfie on Tinder or another dating app and you’re a liar. How dare you discover your best angles? How do you have the audacity to make yourself look good?

People match with you just to tell you that you’re fat. Being married, I thankfully do not have to deal with this anymore, but I do have a tip for you if this ever happens. Act surprised. “OMG, what? I’m fat?! Are you sure? How come no one’s ever told me before?! I had no idea until just this very moment!”

There’s a lot of unnecessary abuse. It comes from all directions, not just online or through apps. The idea that a fat woman puts herself out there triggers a section of the population. They can’t handle the thought of an overweight woman having the confidence to date or to even admit that she’s a romantic, sexual being looking for a relationship. It’s unnecessary. Women don’t swipe on every bald guy to tell him that bald dudes don’t deserve happiness and he’s going to die alone.

Dating App For Overweight

Concern trolls like to give you dieting and exercise advice. They’re not trying to help you. Know how I know that? Because they don’t actually know you. When you’re at the store to buy a new outfit for your upcoming date, the salesperson who’s telling you that you have such a pretty face but you should try some cardio? That jerk knows nothing about your life, your health, or your history. It’s just somehow acceptable to tell fat women what they need to do differently.

You get to hear how much prettier you’d be if you lost weight over and over again. Also, that whole “you have such a pretty face” BS? That’s some foulness. You hear it all the time, though, from salespeople, randos at the restaurant, your landlord, that guy who walks his dog in front of your house, and even your dates. To be talking to someone who says to you, “I’d be really into you if you lost some weight” is devastating. Sure, okay, preferences are preferences and props for being honest, I guess, but you’re not hiding. There’s no reason for anyone to go out of her or his way to tell you what you need to fix before you’re “acceptable.” Also, no, you’re beautiful, period. There’s no “but” or “except” or “if.”

Dating App For Overweight Women

The fetishists show up in droves. Chubby chasers. Even the term is cringe-worthy. They’re out there and they prey on insecurities. It’s tempting to just go with it sometimes, if only because you’re so happy to meet someone who’s interested in you, but you have to remember something: not every fetishist considers you a person. You’re the fetish, an object of desire. The keyword here is “object.” It’s one thing to meet someone who likes fuller figured women; it’s another to meet someone who exclusively dates fat people and gets off on the fat rather than the person.

Lots of dudes want to “date” you on the down low. Oh, you’ve heard the jokes, right? Dating a fat girl is like having a moped because you don’t want your friends to see you riding either one, hyuck hyuck hyuck. FOH, hater. These guys have the same lines but it basically comes down to the fact that you’re pretty, funny, and smart, but you’re fat, so they’re not looking for anything serious. If you’re not good enough to date in daylight, then tell that jackhole to bounce. You’re not a down low girl.

Some guys think that all fat girls are freaks in bed. There’s this idea that fat women have to compensate for being fat by being wild. There’s a book, Moose, that describes the myth quite well. As a fuller figured woman, it’s like you have to do everything better than smaller women. Being adventurous in bed is supposed to give us a leg up or something.

Reject a guy and it’s open season. It’s bad news, anyway. Regardless of your size, if you’ve ever been on a dating site or an app, or if you’ve ever turned down a dude in person, you know this scenario has the potential to get hideously ugly. It’s even worse if you’re a larger woman. “I didn’t want you anyway.” “Screw you, you fat bitch, you should be grateful I’m even talking to you.” “I wouldn’t be seen with a fat chick.”

You’re treated like a person until the end of the date. It seems like such a fabulous date. You make each other laugh. He seems interested in what you have to say. You’ve been holding hands. You shared a steamy kiss at the end of the night. And then … nothing. It all stops.

Ghosting is an epidemic. I have no proof in saying that fat girls get ghosted more often, but back when I still forced myself to date dudes, it happened to the women in my circle and me. Why do guys who do that go out with you in the first place? Why have a nice time only to disappear? We may never know the reason for the date, but we’re always pretty positive about the cause of the ghosting.

Dating App For Overweight People

“Sponsored: The best dating/relationships advice on the web. Check out Relationship Hero a site where highly trained relationship coaches get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. They help you through complicated and difficult love situations like deciphering mixed signals, getting over a breakup, or anything else you’re worried about. You immediately connect with an awesome gecoach o”n text or over the phone in minutes. Just click here…

Dating App For Overweight Men

Dating App For Overweight Adults

Read more:

[jimkleban]

My 2020 in Review

2020 was supposed to be the year of the far off future. Sad that it turned out to be a dystopian one. The year was exhausting emotionally with the COVID pandemic, elections, polarization, racial injustice, and isolation. 

For us, it was a notable year even when set against the turmoil. We started off 2020 living our dream life in Bali - five months into a dream family trip spending a year abroad. When COVID hit, we retreated to Byron Bay, Australia, and fell into the dream lifestyle, coding for a startup, surfing, fun in the sun. Finally in July we returned to Seattle and I started a new job with Stripe. 

For all the bad, it was also a year of flowering creativity as I made a podcast, wrote songs, started coding projects, and developed a set of positive habits. I also quit drinking in 2020, stayed off of social media for a good part of the year.

A Few Things I Learned

"One stroke doesn't get me far, but a million gets me across wide expanses of ocean."- Roz Savage

I have been using a habit tracking app for a few years now to keep me going with positive habits, and in 2020 I really came to appreciate how doing even a little each day can add up to big progress. I especially saw this when it came to progress on side projects. As we were traveling I had a lot more time to work on these and investments in music making, writing, coding have added up to tangible outcomes. Doing a little each day, a la James Clear's Atomic Habits, can make a real difference.

"I will go to the office everyday until I have enough to retire forever" is a poor narrative. 

I met a Swede in Bali who admired our trip off for a year and he remarked, "What I think would be hard for me wouldn't be finding a new job, it would be wanting to go back at all." 

A year off in your forties full time with kids might actually be enough to drive some people back into a structured work environment, but for me it taught an important lesson: there is a more ideal lifestyle. There are so many other ways to spend ones time: writing, consulting, part-time work, teaching, starting a business, contributing to community projects, opening a shop or cafe, and so on. The biggest win you can make with *just enough* financial independence, I think, is to gain a large portion of time back for yourself and become one's own boss. Life is just better when you have time for family, sports, hobbies, staying healthy. So for now, I've returned to an office job at Stripe, but I'm thinking of it as a hopping off point sometime soon. I don’t think you need to wait until you have enough money to not work at all to make this call.

Currents are powerful forces and it can be dangerous to paddle against them.

My friend Dmitry and I hired a boat on Moorea that took us out to a reef break. The boat was anchored and a strong ocean current pulled into massive waves breaking over the shallow reef. As we paddled to the waves you either lined up and went for a ride or the current would carry you away out to the deeper ocean. Fighting this current was eye opening, it took all the strength I had and I seemed to going nowhere until I paddled into the face of the rising swell. After failing to catch a wave, I was carried over the reef and paddled my ass off back to the boat.

We were in over our heads, but there a clear lesson here: when you are paddling against the current you will go nowhere in spite of how much energy you exert. Find the currents in life and let them take you where you want to go instead.

Overall

At the start of the year (pre-COVID) I set 10 goals for 2020 (https://jimkleban.tumblr.com/post/190303747679/10-goals-for-2020) Out of the 10 goals, 6 went well, 3 showed mixed results, and 1 didn’t work out. I think this was my best year yet, a lot of that largely due to not being burdened for most of the year with a full time office job.

Went Well

Refresh, recharge, and enjoy the trip of a lifetime. 

We had a year off and explored SE Asia making a base in Bali and Byron Bay. I learned to work remotely, part time, while balancing a lovely life with yoga, travel, and surfing. The girls were happy in school abroad. It was a smashing success. We achieved our goals of: returning to ourselves, making connections with a place we would want to return to later (both Bali and Byron Bay,) escaping the craziness and work-centric America, experimenting with different working styles (we both had part time jobs.)

Invest in the children’s education and lifetime learning.

The homeschooling tailed off mostly even in Australia, but generally this was a success as I stepped in to teach in between enrolling the girls in schools. Chloe has started to learn to code and was studying Bahasa Indonesia, and Jasmine is well on the way to learning to read. For myself, I have been very active with learning, mostly by following curiosity, but also through apps like Yousician, O'Reilly, and LinkedIn Learning.

Rejoin the working world. 

I started working before the turn of the year for a startup called Supernormal, but with COVID and the opportunity cost it was clear I'd have to return to the working world for one last go around the merry-go-round for financial reasons. The role with Stripe was still open with the Radar team fighting credit card fraud, largely a machine learning team. Given the upside of Stripe, the size of the company, the allure of learning a new domain, we made the hard decision to leave a dream life and return to our home in Seattle and the working world.

Set revised and new atomic daily habits.

I amped up the habits, learning more about these through James Clear's Atomic Habits book (make it obvious, easy, attractive and satisfying.) I track these in an iOS app called momentum and have 28 that I try to do most days (although I average about half of that.) The habits involve learning, projects, exercise, eating healthily, and avoiding bad habits. I'm a big believer in small steps to complete larger goals.

Keep up the daily meditation & yoga practice.

COVID killed the chance to do any further meditation retreats, but I was able to get a few days in at the Bali Silent Retreat center. I've grown a lot along the path in 2020, coming to really admire the teachings of Rob Burbea, who sadly passed this last year of pancreatic cancer. Yoga is more of a moving meditation (and great for the body,) and I'm more into Theravadan/Insight traditions of meditation, and in 2020 I explored jhana, emptiness, metta, and imaginal practices to a solid degree, opening up many doors for future exploration.

Moderate and cultivate, especially around having a healthy information diet.

2020 was (mostly) a good year for this, and a good year to cull the bad given how hard COVID and the isolation has been for all of us mentally. At the beginning of the year I decided to quit drinking, I had my last beer on January 7th, 2020. I noticed an astounding increase in energy, intelligence, and health from this. Likewise, especially once the protests hit, I turned off social media, quitting IG, FB, and twitter from May until the elections (unfortunately I rejoined,) and instead I filled this time with reading and other learning. So much positivity accrues from taking these harmful, small escapes out of our lives.

Mixed Results

Read 24 great books.

 I read slowly and finished 17 books, which was short of my goal but still pretty good. I don't think I've ever quite gotten to 24 but it's about the right number for a goal for me. I also thinks it's a silly goal, like committing to watch 50 movies, as the outcome I am going for here is a creative, intellectual one and not some quantity of books. 

Ship some travel projects. 

I didn't get to all of the travel projects I wanted - I still have unpublished photos from Bali and Australia and I didn't do much in the way of blogging. I also pivoted off of my image filter project once the startup work started. However, I did with my atomic habits, make progress! I published jimkleban.com, made a half dozen songs in Garageband or so, and I'm well on the way on a new project that helps people learn more from the links they read online.

Improve in the art of photography. 

I did a fair amount of photography before COVID as we traveled through Singapore, Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia, and Australia. This stalled a bit however, as I didn't really get into building the artistic vision I wanted or take any courses. I've been a bit more into music making at the moment (I bought a guitar in Byron Bay,) so this got put to the side a little bit.

Didn’t Work Out

Kill social avoidance. 

My social goals are always the ones that don't work out. I guess I have to admit to myself that I'm pretty much a hermit. On the bright side, I like people and when it comes to interacting I'm social enough. For awhile I tried to work on the feelings that lead me to avoidance/withdrawal, trying to replace ones with negative feeling tones with positive ones. I don't think I was very successful with this, however.

[shoemon]

I quit Instagram for #30days

At some point in late June, I realised I was using Instagram way too much. Not posting content, but rather consuming the life of others.

I often caught myself open up the app whenever I had few minutes free. Like sitting in the auto, sitting on the pot, sitting on the couch, waiting for the water to boil, waiting for a conference call, and other such scenarios. I have a good amount of reflection and self-observation skills , and I wasn’t enjoying what was seeing.

I also wasn’t a person who hated Instagram or social media, and I certainly didn’t think its evil in anyway. I established within myself that there is something in me that is using this as escaping method. Upon a lot of thinking I narrowed down on the fact that I wanted to share my journey, and support others in theirs.

I have made a lot of changes in my life in last few years. From changing careers, to choosing a path of fitness, making healthy food, and general wellbeing hacks. I find joy in sharing my learning, to support people. The consumption angle of Instagram was more of a byproduct for me. I would open the app and then get sucked into the lives of others, and forget what I wanted to share.

A few months ago I had tried to be intentional about using Instagram, but it hadn’t worked. So this time, I thought of trying a new technique. Complete abstinence. I wanted to stop using the app, and see how it impacts me.

Soon I realised that there’s a gap in my life, with all the time I was saving from IG usage. I felt withdrawal almost instantly. I was traveling to Kolkata, and usually I share the little random fun I have when I travel. But this time, I could not share. I also saw the benefits, instantly. I spent more time staring out of the window, observing life. Soon I realised that I like sharing, and I can do that with quality.

You see, I have written blog on anything I found worth sharing - for many years now. I used to be more picky about what I shared of my life. With instant gratification clouding my head, IG became a quick source of joy. But at the core, what I enjoyed was sharing. All I needed to do was to go back to writing blog posts, and that’s how I would be able to undo my IG problem.

Fast forward 30 days, and here I am - having not used Instagram for a month! I summarise the things I learnt, below:

We use IG(or other social media) for a larger reason. It could be a need to know what’s happening in others life, or a need to share, or a need to have self-accountability or we are just bored, something in that sphere. We never use IG, just because we want to use IG. We need to dig deeper and be aware of what our reasons are.

We care about much fewer people than we think. Often we think we need to be on these mediums as they are great to know what’s happening in our friends’ lives. Although this IS true, it is often unnecessary.  I found that not knowing what’s up in other’s life REALLY pushed me to question who I cared about. Eventually people who I wanted to know more of, I called or connecting with them on other communication mediums. It was interesting to note who I really missed.

Creativity grows when accumulated. I swapped small and frequent outbreak of creativity with rarer and bigger outlets. I wrote one blogpost a week, did a creative art project in my house, wrote a gratitude journal everyday etc. You never know what your brain seeks out to express itself when you cut one of your mediums like IG.

Decrease Anxiety and increase patience. If you have stress and anxiety in life, this could be a good experiment to try. I wouldn’t say IG was causing stress, but it definitely was unnecessarily accelerating my brain when it was least needed. I looked at IG right after waking up and before going to bed, where my brain needs to calm down. I was using it between 2 work meetings, when my brain needed to decompress and reorient itself. I was using it when I was bored in middle of a group-conversation, in place of trying to involve myself in the conversation. I really got a grip back on my brain after this.

Time to do more things. Even though we think we use social media when we have free time, mostly it takes away our time from something we could’ve done in its place. I used a lot of the free time in making a call to a friend, listening to a podcast, or laughed to a standup comedy video.

Lack of fitness motivation or accountability. In all honesty, I do find looking at fitness instructors’ and models’ posts on IG a valid way of motivating myself. A lot of them share their journeys, and how they were able to discipline themselves into following a life of fitness. I definitely missed this aspect during this month. I made up for it by browsing websites like Men’s Health, or various youtube channels like Athlean-X. However, they weren’t as instant as IG. It is interesting to note that my going to the gym or eating healthy only got better. I went almost everyday of my planned workout(minus a few days of sickness), and tried out stuff like intermittently fasting - which much more commitment. Maybe I didn’t need IG’s motivation to begin with.

Value yourself. This wasn’t necessarily my experience, but something I always reminded myself is that people only put their best life up on IG. Even when I was obsessed with the app, I made sure I posted both the successes and the challenges I faced in daily life. We need to value our experiences and ourselves, before using any mediums like this. A lot of people are not able to remember this, and look down upon themselves as others seem to have a cooler life. I highly recommend sharing both side of your life.

So after 30 days of abstinence - will I get back to using Instagram? Lets just say - I am not in a hurry. I invite you to try this experiment with yourself!

[por-siempre-aqui]

He messaged me the day after.

He actually tried to message me back that night

I was blocking him then unblocking him

Then I restricted his messages

I saw message requests but the ig app fails me sometimes

anyways he sent me a voice message and that's how we had a conversation

He said I broke his trust

He said I made him feel uncomfortable

He said he didn't say anything and didn't want to push me away, but I was too much at times

I obviously was oblivious to his body language. I thought I was the one feeling uncomfortable because I was trying so hard to not be too much.

It hurt that he said I made him feel that way

All I could do was apologize

I wasn't going to argue with him, it doesn't seem worth it

I know when someone's mind is made up

He said he was putting up with me

He said he could have stayed home, but he didn't because he wanted to hangout.

Wow. Cool. Me too.

It felt so horrible to have him be so close and know he didn't want to kiss me. So I said what I felt and it made him walk away.

Which was dramatic af.

And he just vanished. I was stoned and he disappeared without saying shit. What gave him the right to walk away that suddenly made it seem like my going after him wasn't ok?

Fuck. I know it was 'crazy'. I threw up after.

I called K and sounded like a possessed woman. I don't want to care about someone who walks away like that. I stupidly gave him two? Or three chances?

The real problem was that in my mind I tried to stay away from him and he missed me and wanted to come back to me and I didn't set any boundaries. Because I was too afraid to talk about how my feelings were growing.

At first I didn't want anything serious. We hungout and then hooked up in my car. It didn't mean anything. I didn't think he could manage anything serious with me, I would later completely ignore this even though it never changed.

So I was up for nothing serious. And he didn't want it either. Then, like a week later, he freaked out on me and we didn't talk for a month. He blocked me.

He unblocked me. And then he reached out to me and apologized and we met up and we connected again. I made him realize that if he was sorry, he needed to know how much he hurt me. He held my hand and promised to never get mad and make me feel that way again. He told me he wanted to hangout and he could feel the energy between us. We connected so much.

We were gonna hangout again and he fucked it up by getting angry again.

We didn't talk for two weeks.

I went to a different open mic, I had a feeling he might be there, but I really wanted to check it out. We saw each other there, but neither of us said hi or acknowledged each other.

He messaged me and apologized for not saying hi.

From there we just met up one of those nights and ended up on a rooftop and he looked at me and we hugged and then kissed. We had missed each other so much. And he was so excited to hangout, but plans changed because he got busy. And then he messaged me one day and told me he needed to quit his job. I was already trying to detatch from him because it felt like this wasn't gonna be what I was hoping for.

This whole time we were messaging and flirting and he messaged me every day. It was established that we really liked each other. He told me and I told him. He invited me over one night for pizza and I gladly accepted. I didn't eat one bite. I hugged and kissed him and then we ended up in a room at his place. Of course we hooked up and it was unexpected, but I had hoped for it.

He knows how to fuck. I'll give him that.

That night I got serious and said it was best for us to not rush things and be independent, but still hangout amd acknowledge that we like each other. He told me I should know what I'm getting into with him and choose wisely. I ignored him.

I kept reaching out to him. I should have stopped.

Then we hungout on Halloween and a week later he was on his way to new york. I didn't hear from him for like another week. I watched the entire competition via livestream. It was really cool.

I was sad af because I messaged him while he was away and he didn't message back. But I was patient. And then I got so excited when he messaged me back. Ugh. Too excited.

And then he messaged me on the way back and it seemed like I was the only one he was talking to and he was so ready to be home already.

I went out on a Saturday night and he had a show. We agreed to hopefully meet up once he was done. He got stranded and my dumbass went to pick him up. It was so nice to see him and it felt so good.

We hungout literally the next day and got food and he was all over me. It was like we were a couple. Except we had to leave the house for a bit and then went to the mall and he didn't hold my hand. He was the sweetest for the next couple of days. I brought him to my room and we had sex and then he spent the night. We cuddled all night, we watched two movies and it was awesome. I let him stay in my room while I was work. I got back and he messaged me and we had sex again. Then we took a shower together because he suggested it.

We got so intimate, so fast and it was so exciting and fun. But it was so many emotions to process. All I cared about was that he gave me attention. And how comfortable I felt around him and with him doing anything. He cooked for me and my family.

He eventually had to leave. The next day he said he was job hunting and things were looking good. Then he went to his moms house for a bit and I tried to hangout with him and he apologized because he said he needs a job and has nothing to offer me right now. The jobs didn't work out.

Life goes on and I started to feel like I was maybe complicating his life. But he never said anything. Why did I expect him to tell me? I also didn't bring it up.

I was trying so hard to be chill. I started to be okau at it.

I told myself I still liked him and we couldn't hangout right now, and I'm not gonna drive to him every time. So we didn't hangout for a while. Only when he finally got back into town did we really connect again. That was a couple weeks ago. I made him cookies, thats the last time we really hungout as two people who like each other. That's the last time we really kissed. And even that night things felt kinda off. Friday night I killed everything by being honest and he was honest too.

Saturday night we were good.

Sunday night I was honest again and he lost it.

He said he will still say hi at events, but outside of that we should not hangout. He placed all the blame on me and I let him because I was stoned and I honestly was too stoned to care. I love weed for that.

I really needed to write this all out.

I'm done. I hope he doesn't try to talk to me because I am so tired. I really cared about him. I gave him a small amount of myself. I was starting to think I could give him my whole heart one day.

I knew it wouldn't be soon. But I was still thinking about how great we could be.

But then I think about all the negative things and red flags I chose to ignore

And him literally telling me HE CAN'T.

I deserve someone who wants to and CAN.

Still

My heart aches

[itsjayyyy]

November 3, 2018 6:54 pm

Yeah it’s been a hot minute since I last updated. and of course I’m going to write a ton, but not nearly as much as what has passed.

So yesterday (friday), before I went to class I checked the weather app to decide which jacket to wear, and saw that it was going to rain around 3pm. I only had one class, so I figured I’d go to it, then stay at the library for a while, get a mango smoothie, and see if I can get some homework done. Like, three hours into sitting there, I had still done close to no homework, rather listened to kris wu’s new album (can you believe the nerve of that guy? He really released his album on the same day as exo, and you can tell that shit was intentional like he wanted to overshadow them (and he sure did, even posted a pic of the itunes charts where his album was #1 while exo’s was #4) lmao petty af) I also started to listen to all of my music in my itunes library, starting with most played and going down. I haven’t even made a dent btw, I have like, some odd 5 whole days of music to go through. Around 4 I figured I should get heading home, so that I don’t have to face the worst of rush hour traffic. Of course, just as I’m stepping out of the library, rose texted me saying it was pouring on the west side. The clouds on campus looked troublesome, but I figured it wouldn’t be too bad.

It was. I stopped by a gas station, and as I got there it started raining. Honestly, on the drive home, the rain wasn’t my biggest problem (I’ve driven in pouring rain so often that I don’t care about getting wet any more), it was the wind. It seriously almost knocked my bike clean over. And it didn’t help that the rain impacted my engine and made it struggle to speed up properly. I really thought I might have gotten into an accident, it was that bad. But as you can see by me typing this, I’m just fine. I took a hot shower, ate dinner, then receded back to my room as always. I brought with me a cup of instant coffee (seriously, cafe bustelo instant coffee is leagues better than regular drip coffee, like what the hell.) and started a kdrama that yoongi recommended called stranger. The dramafever app has been giving me issues recently, so I decided to watch it on my laptop. But when I went to the website, it displayed a message saying they shut down like two weeks ago. Sure shows how little I use that subscription that I didn’t even notice lmao. Luckily the show was also on netflix, so I watched it there. 

I didn’t even consider that maybe I shouldn’t drink coffee before bed, until like 12:30 am. I tried to go to bed around 10:30, but just couldn’t sleep no matter what. At first I thought it was because of small noises like mom doing the dishes or pulling a chair out (and it was irritating the living hell out of me- i wanted to go out there and scream that I was trying to sleep and they needed to stop making noise), but then I remembered the coffee, and how the same thing happened a few months ago. I took some cold medicine to help knock myself out, and set a second alarm just in case.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t that hard for me to wake up despite getting like 5.5 hours of sleep (I mean I did sleep in for an additional 30 mins after the first alarm, but I didn’t feel like I was dying). I left for work 15 minutes early, just in case my bike gave me any issues. I was on cash at work (UGH), which was made even worse now that we don’t get to go to MIMO. I was literally in front of a register for 7.5 hours, when usually it only used to be like 6, with the trip to MIMO accounted for (and the closing cashiers taking over). I was nonstop leaving to go to the bathroom to make up for it, though. 

It’s unbelievable, the lengths to which rose will put other people above me. She mentioned that she was going to go out to the mall to buy a gift for peter’s birthday, and I asked if I could come along because peter’s my bro too and I wanted to get him a gift. But she pulled the whole “uh yeah, you can come if you want” and i was like. if you don’t want me to come, just say so. and she was like “oh you know it was just gonna be like, me and peter and I don’t want to go inviting people by myself” as if she hasn’t invited peter and paul into our hangout times before (matter of fact, there was one time when it was literally just supposed to be me and rose and she dragged peter along, peter and I began to argue, AND SHE SAID SHE DIDN”T WANT TO GET INVOLVED AND SPENT THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON HANGING WITH HIM. but hey whatever, fuck jay right?) and also as if they were hanging out as friends and not with the purpose of buying peter a gift. She also mentioned how paul was planning to finesse something (also huge pet peeve: paul needs to stop calling it “finessing,” just say you fucking stole it.) I mentioned how I seriously didn’t want to move in with paul. Like, rose peter and I all have responsibilities and bills to pay, meanwhile paul still gets spoon fed by his parents. Do I really want to risk my housing and credit score by signing a lease with some kid who hasn’t paid rent his entire life? Hell no. And yeah, the fact that he has no conscience and openly steals is a huge issue for me. Rose tried to brush it off but I kept pushing it, saying that it was a deal breaker for me. She said that “we’ve been planning to move in together for a really long time” and i’m fucking livid. Who is “we”???? Her, peter, and paul???? As if her, me and GIO didn’t plan on moving in together last year? Why does paul get precedence over me when rose and I have been planning to move out together for over a year before she even met him??? Whatever, I’m looking at clara’s lease ending soon, she said she’s looking for roommates. 

I know I’ve probably said this a million times, but I hate family dinners. It’s just so damn obvious that they all want me dead. I always get the least amount of food, nobody talks to me, and nobody cares when I leave halfway through. I spilled my glass trying to put in ice, but didn’t bother to wipe it up. I just really don’t care, it’s not like I’m at the table long enough for it to bother me anyways.

Alright now I’m gonna really quickly hop over to the last update to see what I left off at. So the first thing I feel like I want to talk about (I think it’ll be better if I go from one topic to another, rather than try to do it chronologically) is heather. So I don’t remember if I wrote about this (and I’m not gonna read all my updates to find out), but one time on a friday heather and I made plans to meet up at the library. I texted her that day asking if we could instead meet at the student union (needed to stop by the atm to get rent money), and she didn’t reply (it said “delivered though). I got a call from my boss asking if I could come in early, and I was like yea sure since by then heather hadn’t even opened my message and it was about 30 mins from her next class. I walked through the breezeway, and as I walked I saw her, walking with someone else (prob a classmate) and talking, just hanging out. I dipped into the bathroom so she wouldn’t see me. She later texted me (one minute before her next class started) saying “sorry, my phone died and I just now got this message.” I guess she didn’t know that iphones tell you if the message was delivered to the other person’s phone. yeah, it does kind of hurt, that she bailed on me. it feels like I’m a second option, and if given the chance, she’d hang with other people. Since then, we met up like, once in the last month. In the last two weeks or so, I haven’t seen her at all. She just keeps saying “sorry, I’m too busy now” or “sorry, I didn’t see your message.” I asked if I could borrow her textbook for the gov exam, and she said she had a problem with the rental company and had to temporarily return it. I got a 74 on the exam, by the way. I figure maybe I just shouldn’t message her any more; if she wants to hang with me she’ll message me first.

Speaking of friends, I posted a pic on ig the other day. It’s a far away shot of me that rose took, sitting in the corner of a cafe. The caption was just “let’s get this (bread emoji)” ya know, just a dumb phrase. Anjlie liked it, and I was like... why. I looked at her profile (I unfollowed her long ago so I haven’t kept up with her feed) and she’s changed from 2014 low-saturation tumblr aesthetic to wannabe ig famous aesthetic. Also, she’s tagged this one girl in a lot of her captions. I can tell they’re friends, but it looks like the other girl doesn’t tag her back in nearly as much of her photos. Anjlie was always kind of socially anxious, it seems like she’s made one (1) friend in college that she’s completely attached herself to.

So, my motorcycle. Yeah, I changed the air filter, but it didn’t really affect it. Then I changed the spark plugs (also have to do with gas combustion), didn’t really see an improvement either (but MAN you should see these spark plugs, they’re entirely rust). I figured maybe it’s because the gas tube has a u-shaped curve in it, maybe it’s having trouble lifting the gas back up. So I changed it, and the next day when I walked back to my bike the gas had drained nearly completely onto the ground via a leak that I couldn’t find for the life of me. When I first walked up to my bike I saw some guy standing around kind of suspiciously and got worried, but then when I saw the leak he was like “is this your bike? I was calling parking services because I was concerned about the leak.” I ended up leaving my bike there for nearly a week (and took the city bus to school instead, since obvs I couldn’t drive) before I could get a tow truck called. i knew it was the carbureator by this point due to additional research, and I tried to fix it myself right there in the parking lot, but one of the screws was stripped so I took it to the mechanic and told him there was a leak because of the carbureator. one day when I took an uber home from work, I slammed my thumb in the car door and it bled so fucking bad. I cried like a bitch. It felt like I was nancy kerrigan, because my bike was going to be repaired soon but I couldn’t drive it because nail. But the bike got “fixed,” in which the mechanic said that the issue was the gas filter which was kind of weak. I was like yea I replaced the gas filter myself, but I used the same kind as before so that’s not the issue. and of course the leak didn’t go away. So I brought the bike back and was like “there’s a problem in the carbureator. please clean and rebuild it. don’t try to diagnose anything because I’ve told you before that the issue is the carbureator and you won’t listen.” he held onto the bike for a week and said “it’s the accelerator pump.” i told him to also clean the fucking carb and he finally did (for $267). I told iris and nick how I wanted to just buy a new bike and they were all “oh no that’s too expensive” as if I haven’t spent over $800 in repairs the last two months. And I didn’t even ask for advice from those people, anyways. 

I did call in, for like all of my remaining usf shifts. I’m now officially ioa exclusive, as a result of my incessant bitching about how much I hate usf. And I got cross trained as a cook at cinnabon!!!!! I’ve done a shit job so far tho, I always underestimate the number of buns needed and then end up running out. Tomorrow I have a shift at cinnabon tho, so I can finally redeem myself. Next week I’m scheduled for tuesday and friday too, so I guess my availability didn’t get 100% approved. It’s okay though, one more month until the semester is over and I can change my availability again to weekends only for real for real this time. I’m also going to take up delivering for postmates. they allow motorcycles, so between classes and in the evening I���m gonna deliver. they say you can make on average 10-15 an hour, which is pretty decent considering I’m mostly going to be driving. And even though they don’t reimburse you gas money, I get 80 mpg so I think I’m good. The other day was my enrollment appointment for spring. I already had a schedule ready, just needed to press submit. but then rose was like “oh can you pls pick up peter he doesn’t have a car” and it made me 13 minutes late and all the classes I chose were full. So I had to pick a new schedule, where the first class is at 7:30 am and the last class gets out at 7:15 pm. With like, a 4-hour gap in the middle. Kill me.

I don’t think I have many other topics to cover. I submitted my second paper in english, and next week I submit the last. I bought new toothpaste the other day. still looking to move out (but now, planning to wait till like january). still depressed as shit. but hey, let’s just play it by ear.