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its really stupid but I continue feeling out of the loop with pretty much everyone
I know I kept to myself for years, but it was only because it was easier to just stay at home with him
going out wasn't fun anymore, it turned into such a hassle
I got tired of being the one who plans all the dates and schedules all the other shit in our lives, including buying food and cleaning. I took charge, I had to because he wouldn't.
And so I gave too much of myself in my last romantic relationship, and I was in that for years. Now that he's gone I should be happier. I am happy that he is gone, but I was also so used to him always being here.
I miss feeling like someone was always there even though he wasn't the most reliable person/partner.
This isn't new. I have struggled with feelings of abandonment and loneliness ever since I can remember. Idk if it was TV what but someone I got into my head the idea that everyone gets a bff and they stay your bff. I was always kinda waiting for friends to come to me, and that's what I do in pretty much all my interactions today. The person has to wanna talk to me and be my friend.
And I know I have my main besties. A, K, and R. Hell I can even throw my brother in there because he is also a person I trust and he is my friend. In fact my brother may be one of my closest friends.
A is a newlywed and I didn't wanna bother her during the holidays. We just barely reconnected and I didn't wanna overwhelm her with my patheticness.
K after the wedding we just haven't talked or made plans to hangout. I was kinda salty that he kinda dropped me after but I feel like it's not personal. He just has other stuff going on like he has had for years. And I haven't been in his life.
R idk last breakfast felt short, but it also felt so comforting to see and talk to him. He is so cute and he is so nice to me. I texted him this weekend about this week and he never responded. He might not be feeling well rn so I don't wanna push him either.
And on top of all that it's my birthday this month and I haven't had a fun birthday in so long. I don't even know how to anymore. I don't even wanna invite people because my apartment looks like shit and I feel so embarrassed of where I live and that's never happened to me.
But I do. And the thought of cleaning everything only for it to get messy again? I wanna socialize so badly but I feel so incredibly frozen and terrified of being rejected and of putting myself out there only to be let down.
Because the truth is I felt so let down by him. It just started piling up and I got tired of saying something. I was an empty shell who got stoned all the time to distract myself.
I miss my therapist.
#i havent been motivated to do much of anything lately#i keep trying to stay positive#but I also am expecting to feel disappointed#tomorrow after work I have to take myself out
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Okay so my mom isn't coming back.
My brother is meeting her first and then my dad is going after. Since my brother is moved out I will have the apartment to myself for a couple weeks.
I was gonna try to take a trip, but now I don't need to.
I'll just trip at home.
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I'm having the crazy fantasy because of watching that Italian drama. Stupid ending.
I really think if I run away to Italy I can start a new life and just get by somehow. Fall in love and shit
That can happen anywhere lol
Look there's this place nearby looking for a barista and I may be thinking about stopping by to visit on my day off. Just to scope it out before I commit to applying for a position.
But how cool would it be to work in an Italian marketplace next to an Italian restaurant?
How cool that I actually checked. If I do apply I plan on asking for more money due to my experience in customer service, my barista experience and my bilingual skills plus I am learning Italian. I need change, this might be it for a while. This might be what I need for a change of pace.
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"You know, love doesn't mean "l never want you to change." But I don't think it means "I don't care if you change" either. So I suppose it might mean, "I believe that you'll always be the person I adore." A declaration of faith, perhaps."
– Sayaka Saeki, やがて君になる (Bloom into You), Via "freckled-lili" on Tumblr
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Someone sent me a text last night but I do not know who it is from.
'merry christmas K I hope your new year is better than the ones before'
I don't know who else would send that other than S.
He is the only one who would wish me well in this manner, and be too much of a coward to call me.
I know his other phone line probably got cut off because he did not pay it which means the last phone number I have of his is most likely no longer in use. And who else would say 'i hope your new year is better than the ones before' lol to be honest he is the only one who would imply that my old years sucked or that I never did anything fun for new years eve specifically? I always spent new years with him at home usually. Last year I drank so much for new years and he wouldn't drink with me. Then my birthday rolled around and he didn't acknowledge it. I was already so sensitive about my birthday and we barely actually celebrated.
My mom will probably be coming back home soon. She isn't happy about it and now it seems that my grandma has gotten very sick once again and it's difficult for my mom to accept her death. I am terrified of the grief that my mom will be carrying. But maybe spending this time with her has actually helped her mentally. Either way I really want her to talk to a therapist about her grief and about the current state of her life. She clearly will need help that I just cannot offer her as her daughter.
This means I won't get the place to myself and that means no chance of a party here or private sexy time here with anyone.
So now I'm trying to focus on the room remodel with the floor plans and measurements. I know we could paint also but I still have to put together my new bed frame so this is a slow process.
Anyways should I text this person back?
And what should I say? Obviously I should ask who this is.
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Gonna try to make my room remodel more fun by having a floor plan sketched out.
Ideas
---small dresser goes into closet
---all clothes go into closet only
---hang up tv
---move desk
---add sofa/loveseat
---add night stand at end of bed
---bookshelves ?
---area for tea/coffee/food station
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R asked me if I was still hanging out with E.
I said I haven't since October. But we still talk once in a while and I told him about how I opened up to E and thought he didn't wanna hangout anymore. Hanging out is just that. Friends with benefits. He said "oh I was just wondering, oh it happens, I said well we are pretty much just friends who hangout and hookup.
I stop and wonder how it makes R feel when I tell him I am 'friends' with a dude who I don't really know and he doesn't really know me. But we smoke, hangout,make out and hookup.
I enjoy myself with him and we get to have a conversation as well. It's fun.
Am I attracted to him? I like that he is turned on by me? He is cute, but he is not what I am typically attracted to. I am super attracted to R. He's so pale and he is so dorky and he has such a huge heart. He is adorable I really hope he thinks I'm at least very cute. Very pretty? I hope me smelling good turned him on . My hair had vanilla coconut and rose in it. My neck had vanilla bean oil perfume and my body/sweater had my favorite scent from online
Does he think about me? Did he linger when we hugged? because the hugs felt so short this time.
Did he wanna hangout and talk longer? Would be down to get stoned together and have some fun? We already wanna play that card game.. lol well I do and he agreed.
And we would probably have to do that at my place in my room. Which I am finally in the process of remodeling. I am thinking I need book shelves and new cabinets/drawers I wanna reorganize my closet too.
Maybe get a lil loveseat for my room.
Would R ever be interested in being FWB with me? Would I ever with him?
The last couple of times we have hung out I have felt different about how I approach him. I am very comfortable with him. He is like my older brother I care about him so much.
I keep thinking about how I wrote that card for his birthday that one time. We hadn't even been friends for that long but I poured my heart into that card and then he analyzed my handwriting. He discovered a few things about my personality because of that.
I just wonder if he thinks of me as someone he is sexually attracted to. Because I think if we ever gave each other the opportunity to be something more we would both be too afraid to ruin the friendship we already have. I'm happy being friends because I am secure enough to know he cares about me and he loves me too. It doesn't have to be a forced romantic thing. But I wouldn't say I am not open to that happening at least once. If we kissed just once and we felt something then who knows?
I can't pretend I have never wondered. And I got him in just the right state I wanna know what else he will tell me. And I wanna answer any questions he has for me too. That's why I really wanna play wnrs with him. It's the perfect reason to be in an intimate space because the game requires some privacy unless we do a picnic type thing which I would love. And the drinking is for bravery and honesty. The weed is because I wanna be cross faded and giggly around him in my own safe space.
There is a chance that my mom is coming home soon. Which means that my dad wouldn't leave and neither would my brother. Which means I wouldn't get my stoner days anymore, and I probably won't have an opportunity to have R in my room. And my birthday is meaningless because I feel lonely and bored. I wish I had friends
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One of my favorite things is when you click with someone without even having to try
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I have like 277262 kisses saved up for you
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R and I were finally able to get breakfast together this morning. He paid the bill as his way of apologizing for bailing on me.
I asked him what happened and he said he simply got overwhelmed. He told me he is on new anti anxiety meds and he feels better. It kinda seemed like he wanted to say more about that, but sometimes I am just so comfortable talking to him about everything that I forget to ask him more about himself. This time he actually told me more about what he has been up to. He seemed great, he looked adorable as always. His hair is so cute and at full curl capacity. I wanted so badly to just run my fingers through his hair.
Just now I am thinking of so many other things I wanted to talk about like our coworker and other personal stuff I wanted to tell him about. He said we should hangout again soon maybe in a week. I gave him his Christmas presents. I got him another lighter and a joint, I got him some tea and I got these cold brew filters I gifted one to him for the tea. I also gave him a few of the bars I made last week, since I kinda only made em for him. I just didn't tell him that. 😆
R mentioned that his friend's wedding is in March in SD.
I kinda wanna go lol because I was originally thinking of inviting R with me to my friends wedding. But then I ended up taking K.
It made more sense since we were all friends growing up.
R said I smelled good and that my hair looks really pretty.
I feel bad because I never compliment him but I did comment on his hair twice and it turns out he doesn't really like it right now. But he looks so good with longer curls. I hope we do get to hangout soon. He said part of my gift hasn't shipped yet so we gotta hangout soon. I just realized Christmas means my birthday is a month away.
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lol
R cancelled on me
Postponed, raincheck. Whatever.
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R and I have been trying to meet up. I have not seen his since October. Same as E. Which really helped put things into perspective. If they are both my friends how can I feel more upset with E?
Well several reasons. I have different friendships with them. I have known R for several years now. Most of them I was in a relationship w S . But when we first connected I wanted him, I immediately had a crush on him. And then we kept connecting and we became friends. I love him. Everyone knows we love each other, only a couple people have tried telling me to date him. I care about him too much to ruin our friendship. He has helped get me through tough times, he has been like an older brother to me.
But R doesn't have any plans for his future, no ambition, he has a lot of self discovery work to do before he could even actually want to fall in love or date whatever.
He isn't there. And I realized neither am I. I may really really want to be there. But I am not.
I like the option of being able to flirt with E and be naughty with him.
Ideally I want that in a partner too. I want someone who values sexual intimacy as much as emotional intimacy. I want someone who knows what they want and knows how to take care of themselves. And that is what I see in E that has value. We have sex and conversation we have connection. But he also is clearly unwilling to make the effort for an actual relationship. And to be honest at first I felt bothered by it because I have always been confused about expectations. Daily texts are flattering but meeting up in person means more. That connection means more to me. And I have communicated that and also said phone calls and voice messages also work for me. He clarified we are friends with benefits. Cool then why text every day? That is weird to me.
I am looking forward to seeing R. I purposely choose a breakfast place that sells cocktails because I want one. I hope he is okay with me picking a different place, I don't know if we will be able to talk as much as we like to inside the restaurant. I really wanna bring up playing wnrs again. I wanna get silly together and connect on a deeper level. Just like I have with my other besties. ❤
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oh to be loved like a habit and not a chore. oh to be loved because loving you is their default state of being and not something they have to perform like a duty. oh to be loved because they don't want to live a life where loving you doesn't exist. oh to be loved truly.
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i love the way it feels when you recall a good memory you had with someone randomly. like so good that you can’t help but to really smile and inadvertently send love and warmth to that person just by the simple act of reminiscing
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Oh fuck.
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