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I haven't heard from R. I'm trying to be okay with it. I'm not upsetting him he told me I don't bug him. The wedding hasn't happened yet so I'm just sitting here waiting to see if we can possibly hangout sometime next month.

I'm pretty sure I will not be attending the renn faire this year.

I can't afford it. I kind of have an outfit for it. But it might not fit correctly. I really have to do spring cleaning during my spring break. It's gonna be great!

My body is very slowly shrinking. My thought? I don't have extra cortisol from extra stress from my ex.

Just normal stress which makes it way less likely for it to get it me?? Idk

In the past I don't think I wrote about it but I had a dream about R and going to his house when he lived with his roommates. They were having a party and he didn't invite me to it so he didn't expect to see me but one of his friends posted about it irl and I commented that looks like fun! They said you should totally come over and party with us! So I did.

I had a drink in my hand and I was looking for him. I for some reason didn't text him. Basically I ended up surprising him. He was in his room gaming and I knocked on the door. He wasn't alone but all I remember is I dreamt that we kissed in the dark in his room. I don't have dreams where I get physically intimate with him but I think it has to do with the immense comfort and love I felt when he hugged me that one time. And I wanted to feel that comfort again when we met up in December but to be honest I was numbing myself around him to not worry him. And I need to stop doing that, it's not fair because I know he cares about me. I do it because I care about him and he protects me, I trust him he is someone I can talk to about anything and not feel judged and that's so rare. We click and connect but really only about crazy intimate stuff and when I was still with S I felt like not only did I have to hold back to not reveal my major crush on R but I held back because I knew if S somehow found out he would be upset. Reality is he was already upset about me bringing R up all the time. I never want to date someone who is so uncomfortable with their own body and is so insecure about it. S is a tall man, he looks intimidating. And he can be scary when he is angry/upset more so because of his height and bigness, but he doesn't work out and has zero awareness.

But I don't want a man who isn't self motivated.

Most men in my life seem to be not self motivated. My brother is and he inspires me. I've met people recently who have managed to accomplish some stuff and now they just vibe and live as adults with responsibilities and I don't feel that yet. It's normal to not feel it. But I also feel this blanket of shame because I am incapable of supporting myself. My spending habits don't help. Most of my habits don't help.

I'm just happy to be in a good mood. Work is ok and school is okay. Am I kind of coasting through right now? Yeah.

Should I put in more effort? Probably. So who am I to judge others who feel the same way I do ? I may yearn for a serious romantic relationship one day.

But I don't. What I want is fun. And mutual connections and conversations. Adventures and fun games together. I don't wanna feel pressured into anything and I don't wanna pressure anyone else. Getting attached hurts if the other person doesn't reciprocate. I want to build more platonic relationships with other but I still feel unable to.

I need friends to make friends and my social battery runs out quickly especially if I have to commit to driving somewhere new, at night.

I miss R and what I saying is I wanna spend time with him like we did last summer. I wanna have breakfast and keep talking and laughing and smoking and then go to the gardens together in the hot sun so he can walk behind me and stare at my ass in leggings ooh or my tennis skirt!

Lol I wanna play wnrs and I wanna build our friendship and openly flirt way more than I have been over the past 4 years. I want him to tell me I smell good and that my hair looks good. I want to be in his presence and feel that ultimate comfort and get silly and hug. I wanna see if there's a possibility for something else here. Idk if he would be down to have me as a friend with benefits but I'm so open to that possibility and I want it to be known. I want to spend more time together and it doesn't have to be with him but idk Ive always felt butterflies whenever we meet up I'm always looking forward to seeing him. I wouldn't want feelings or drama to make us feel like we have to be a couple. I don't wanna be a couple. We can hangout and even date in my opinion. But that doesn't make us a couple. You either keep dating or end it if it's not gonna be something more. But I don't care about that. I would never want things to get awkward between us but I really just wanna give in and see if he wants to too.

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I was able to have a conversation about generational trauma with my parents. My mom didn't deserve to be raised the way she was raised. My parents never yelled at me the way they were yelled at as kids. And for that I am grateful and I'm happy they are my parents I love them and I love that they support me, they love me. They listen to my ideas and thoughts about life, they have never discouraged me from trying new things. But I did grow up feeling lonely because my parents had to work all the time and my only sibling is my brother. So we formed a bond and then it always felt like us vs my parents.

I told my parents I love them. I love that I can speak to them honestly and not be afraid to speak my mind. I told them I felt alone and to this day feeling alone takes me back there and her being gone for four months was really hard. I felt abandoned and alone and I cried a lot.

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I was dreading looking at my phone again because I got several notifications.

I felt happy to see that it's just my friends returning my messages.

I don't get upset if people don't reply right away. Sometimes they can't.

I didn't think my ex texting me would affect me this much. He reached out to ask for help and so I replied and offered help. He said he would get back to me in 30 minutes and then I didn't hear from him for hours.

I wasn't surprised. I feel like nothing surprises me anymore, he is so predictable. I wasn't mad or upset, but he did apologize for not getting back to me. ( I guess it was rude )

His apology just made me laugh because the number of times he has apologized has erased all meaning of what accepting it means.

We are keeping it professional and only talking about what he needs help with. I don't want to catch up or reconnect with him.

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I never wrote about it on here, but R did text me back a few days later. I said I missed talking to him and he replied "I miss you as well K!, we definitely need to hang out soon just to catch up"

Then I told him I feel like I'm bugging him. He assured me that's not the case. He is simply busy and has a low social battery.

I understand but I'm feeling so left out of everyones lives

I'm hurting and I haven't seen him since December. Can't even say I've seen him this year I just realized that omg.

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I'm glad that S is okay.

I watched the video a couple times. He's out there still existing. Still showcasing his talent.

I start to wonder if my breaking up with him has affected him at all. That's silly, it's been months. Of course he doesn't think about me anymore.

I thought about unblocking him on IG

I just wish I could know how he is doing. What he is up to. Without feeling like it's too much to ask.

I'm not that different. My hair is different and my body/mind are finally getting a chance to heal.

I only hope for good things to happen to him. I want him to realize his potential. He is such a loving and caring and warm human being. I don't regret the time we had together, I felt loved up until the last year we were together.

I didn't give up on him until he gave me no choice.

What I did is something he didn't have the balls to do years ago.

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I saw a post on IG about an event S was a part of tonight

I knew I'd probably see a post

I was curious to see how he looked

He looks exactly the same

He's even wearing a shirt I'm pretty sure I bought him

I wouldn't go out of my way to see him

I'm glad he's okay

He is turning 30 this month. On the 25th.

I'm never gonna forget his birthday and that sucks

Connections are so difficult to maintain

I'm tired of people not being willing to meet me halfway

I'm really sad about R

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" I'm glad you're good. I know you're busy, I just miss talking to you. "

R, I've never been afraid to be vulnerable around you.

I trust you and I love you. I think if you as my brother, my work bestie, someone I can confidently cry in front of.

I miss you.

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He never texted me back so I got desperate and tried to talk to him about work.

He replied but it was dry.

The whole conversation was dry and I don't feel good about it.

If I respond I wanna give him a piece of my mind

If I respond I wanna be mean again to let him know how hurt I am

I'm still hurt because he cancelled and then he couldn't make it and now I haven't seen him since December and that's totally okay with him.

I'm only angry because I'm hurt, I'm only hurt because this feels one sided and I don't deserve that.

I feel like I'm begging and I hate feeling like I'm begging fucking hate it. Cannot stand it. Do not make me beg it takes me back to begging S for forgiveness it is so damn exhausting to feel like I'm putting this pay attention to me energy out and they're just ignoring it.

It's not like asking for attention on here. It's not easy

I can just post a selfie or a lewd and I get some type of attention. Someone will DM me and tell me I look pretty in that selfie or that I turn them on. It's very flattering to me that I can turn someone on and they get off on it. It's just a picture, gif or short video but it's enough to get all hot and bothered. I show off my body, I try to not show my face often, but I do.

Giving too much. Early in a relationship or friendship when I like someone a lot or I wanna impress someone. I buy things for myself to look and feel good around them such as clothes, instax film camera, hair or makeup stuff. Then I tend to buy things for them. Mostly clothes, and mostly shirts. In my last relationship I did it a lot. It started with me gifting him stuff such as clothes and then it was whenever I felt like getting him stuff. I would just buy something and be like here ya go! It kind of felt like I was paying for his companionship like I was assuring he would stay with me.

I people please is that part of people pleasing? The only thing on my mind is making sure the person likes me. Is impressed by me. I don't care about me, I care about them and how they will react and what they will think. I have an expectation in my mind and if it doesn't go right, I tend to get upset.

Like I had an expectation that R and I would hangout and everything will be great. We will get food and chat. We will connect again and I just miss him a lot. It's hurtful to think he doesn't feel the same way or he's not putting in the same effort right now.

This is the one friendship I will refuse to let slip away and it's sad because I feel like I'm the only one who cares.

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I'm going through a lot because of work rn

Plus I'm PMSing and I feel like I have no one to talk to about work.

R hasn't texted me back. I'm officially upset.

When he decides to text me I plan on not replying.

I know he'll realize I am beyond hurt , if he hasn't already and it just sucks.

I really wanted us to stay friends.

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uhhhh so apparently my boss is not going to come back

Another store manager filled me in today and told me she has a plan for our store and she's gonna make sure that I get the schedule that I want at least while she has some control over it.

Oh and yes they coerced me into doing the same tomorrow except since I'm off at 1 the store will close at 1230. I was promised compensation and today they bought me lunch.

I was also told to simply open and not worry about having a pretty close.

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I am scared of what's going to happen at work

I am unsure of what is happening and unsure of who to ask or talk to about it. I texted my coworker about my shift being switched around and I wasn't worried about it at first. But now I am because he said if he can't find a closer I'm opening and then closing early.

The thing is I also open on Sunday and I will not do that twice in a row. So I need to know that it will not happen on Sunday. It is very stressful and unfair to me. Mostly because I'm already PMSing and at least I can go home after work tomorrow and it won't be at night but let's be real tomorrow will be stressful and I doubt he can find anyone who's willing to close tomorrow or Sunday. So that's a problem.

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“Love didn’t hurt you. Someone who doesn’t know how to love you hurt you. Don’t confuse the two.”

— Unknown

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He texted me back asking which days I'm free next week plus week after.

I texted him back and he never got back to me. It's been a week.

I don't want to not reply. But I feel dumb begging for attention. I hate it.

It's been so long that I don't even remember what I wanted to talk about and it's gonna feel so weird because we don't talk at all and honestly I'm pissed about it I'm still sad that he's gone.

I'm sad that I lost all of them, but mostly him.

I was finally starting to be okay with it and now that work sucks again it just highlights the fact that I have no one I trust in that store. I have one coworker from the old team left and I'm still trying to be okay with that.

I can't stop thinking about all I lost.

What have I gained?

I'm in school, learning.

I'm in therapy.

I still have a job.

I get my dog all to myself, lately me and her have been bonding more.

I lost some weight, gained some back. But my body still feels different without him. In a good way.

Reasons why I don't feel like I can connect with people.

Money.

I don't like driving.

I need money for my car.

I need money for my dog.

I'm lucky my parents help me with school.

I'm gonna try to get groceries on campus tomorrow.

You need money to hangout, get food, go places, travel, be able to afford to take time off.

I texted R again. He finally replied says he's been having issues with his phone. I know he does not care about his phone and if it's giving him issues he's not gonna consider checking it to text me back I guess

He asked me how it's been going. I told him I'm in school again. And I was just trying to check in on him and got worried when he didn't reply.

Idk if he's gonna text me back. He doesn't seem like he wants to catch up or meet up so that's a shitty feeling.

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hug me so tenderly that I melt into you

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“I hope that someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight, and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face. They don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms, without an ounce of selfishness in it.”

— Unknown

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I texted R again. He finally replied says he's been having issues with his phone. I know he does not care about his phone and if it's giving him issues he's not gonna consider checking it to text me back I guess

He asked me how it's been going. I told him I'm in school again. And I was just trying to check in on him and got worried when he didn't reply.

Idk if he's gonna text me back. He doesn't seem like he wants to catch up or meet up so that's a shitty feeling.