por-siempre-aqui

[por-siempre-aqui]

Yesterday I had such a great shift at work. I felt supported and I felt peace. I know it felt strange because we are all used to feeling drained and stressed out at work. I felt a sense of camaraderie. It was an all girl team for most of the day and I didn't really think about it until I left.

And then I got sad. Because none of us really want to be there and it's only a matter of time before something changes and someone else leaves.

And my coworkers are all so beautiful it fulfilled some weird all girl barista babe fantasy I have. I hope customers realize how lucky they were to step into our shop that day.

[por-siempre-aqui]

I was looking forward to maybe hanging with e again

But I have done my best to maintain my expectations low

I am sad about not hearing back from R

I'm worried first, because I know he would get back to me and wouldn't want me to worry.

And I'm upset because I'm gonna start to assume that he didn't wanna talk to me, which doesn't make any sense.

Why did I think it was gonna be okay?

They left me. He left me.

And S left me. And my mom left me.

I get it. Everyone leaves. People only wanna be around me when they feel like it, not when I feel like it.

I'm not gonna respond to either one of them. I hope they get the message.

[por-siempre-aqui]

Yesterday I had a great day.

I'm simply going to bed early, that way if I wake up early at least I have gotten enough sleep.

And soon I can start working out again which will only improve my mood.

I managed to make appointments with my former therapist. The new one wasn't bad, she was great. I just didn't wanna have to reexplain myself. So I told her some stuff, but she doesn't know everything that my past therapist knows. And she's kinda also one of my friends, even though I know she isn't.

It will be so nice to have ONE consistent thing from my past.

Everyone is feeling bummed right now. The orange one is in charge and ruining everything, just like he promised.

It truly feels like the movie They Live.

I applied for jobs. I had one interview. No one is paying what I get paid.

Customer service is kinda soul crushing.

But at least I had a good day yesterday. I ate and everything. I'm excited about my classes. I need to make an appointment with an academic counselor to determine when I can graduate with my associates.

I am excited to work with this professor because she is amazing, she is beautiful and she is the head of the department I'm studying. I feel a connection with her and I feel like she sees potential in me and that feels good. She keeps us engaged in class and I feel confident enough to raise my hand and participate.

I'm still smoking. I know I need to slow down, but I find comfort in it. And I usually would be working out, but I still have a mess in my room. I have to clean it up, probably on Sunday. That way on Monday I can do my homework at my own organized desk.

[por-siempre-aqui]

I feel so disconnected from everyone

It's how it has been for over three years

I hate it

I hate being aware of it

Getting stoned isn't doing it for me anymore

I need to take a break, but I won't anytime soon.

Unless I need to for a drug test.

My therapist from the last two semesters isn't available on the one day I can see her. :(

They recommended a different one, I don't even know what I want to talk to her about

My mom's finally coming back home.

E and I hooked up

My birthday party was ass

My birthday party just really discouraged me. I was looking forward to it and I had a vision. It simply didn't happen.

R feels distant and uninterested in me.

I'm pretty sure I feel abandoned. Where does this feeling come from?

Why do I seek attention and validation from men on the Internet?

It turns me on to know I can turn someone else on with just an image or video. It's hot to see them show off for me. It makes me feel special and sexy and relevant to someone even if it's just for a short while. And then they come and then they peace out. I'm kinda sick of it, it kinda makes me feel less special and more used as a sexual fantasy. They wanna come so I show off and get them to come.

I post when I'm in the mood and that's when none of them pay attention to me. What kind of fucked up internet sexual life am I living?

I'm gonna not post anything all day tomorrow and if they msg me on snap I will ignore it. Until Sunday. let's just give it a try.

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I like that “morning baby” kinda relationship. The no games, great communication, lots of sex, lots of kissing, lots of cuddling, lots of flirting, lots of being goofy kind of relationship. That makes you want to run 100 miles, read books, clean up your bad habits kind of love.

[por-siempre-aqui]

I am begging you PLEASE be curious about the people in your life. Ask them questions people wouldn’t normally ask, be invested in what happens in their lives, pay attention enough to notice things that don’t normally get spoken out loud…. BE CURIOUS ABOUT THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE !!!!!!!!!!!!

[por-siempre-aqui]

E knew he hadn't seen me in forever he said I guess it's been about six weeks since I've seen you.

Yeah bro more like 8. And after last night if you don't wanna hangout again soon then idk.

We had a conversation about texting styles and communication. It was very nice and he ate me out so many times yesterday. We came upstairs during my party and he just rolled my leggings off and went to town. It felt so fucking good, and it was hot AF to go downstairs afterwards. 🤭

The party was fun, I Hope everyone else had da good time. About 5 other people I invited did not show up

And just about all my Tumblr friends wished me a happy birthday.

[por-siempre-aqui]

R texted me happy birthday this morning, but he also said he was so sorry he can't make it tonight because he woke up sick.

Oh man reading his text made me cry immediately and I felt so bad because I know he felt it.

I know he knows I was hurt by it, but I'm not angry at him. My text reply was short though and I realized it probably was too mean. I said thanks R. Feel better.

I then decided to message him that I was gonna save a goodie bag for him.

He replied: '<3 thank you I still have a bunch of presents for you well have to meet up like next week or something. Again sorry I just don't wanna get everyone sick'

Yo not to overreact but he sent me a heart ❤️

I was really sad about it, especially for it to be so early in the morning get a good morning text but it's really "happy birthday I won't be seeing you today. I won't be admiring your smile or hugging you or letting you know how good you smell."

I'm allowed to be sad that one of my favorites can't join me tonight. I'm already upset that three other people can't make it.

Ok I need to wash my hair and eat food.

Then I can go back into party plan mode.

I hope at least E shows up tonight, because I wanna bring him up to my room. 👀

Maybe we can kiss a lil bit, or maybe we can finally decide to hangout again another time. I just wanna see people in person dammit.

[por-siempre-aqui]

I'm 33 years old today

Fuck

I'm still stuck

At least I don't feel stuck to someone forever

I'm alone, but I know I have a good heart.

I cannot believe I'm doing this, having people over to this place that has been my home since I was 1.

It's crazy and a lil weird to think about. My childhood was in this apartment. Then we moved for a few years, but by the time I was 20 we moved back. So that means it has been 13 years now. And in those 13 years I haven't even made an attempt to leave.

I don't think I ever can see myself leaving

It doesn't process in my mind when I try to think about calling another place my home. Or a place of my own? Or roommates?

That all sounds so different. Change.

I'm thinking about S and about how horrible I felt this time last year because of him.

I've moved my bed, my desk and I added a sofa to my room.

I want to get shelves around my TV and that's pretty much it. I want it to keep feeling similar, but different I feel way too comfortable here. Especially right now that I'm alone.

I will once again feel like a

[por-siempre-aqui]

R doubting himself about my birthday made me wonder about other times when he thinks something, but then doubts himself.

I flashed back to when we first met, it was so obvious that I liked him. Luckily it never got to the point where I was so forward that I told him or attempted to kiss him.

But the feelings I had around him were very intense, especially when we became even closer after finding out that we are both Bi.

We don't have much in common, but he also has a huge heart and a wonderful caring nature. I feel safe when I'm with him and I always have. He has never ever violated that and I know he never would.

Now that we don't see each other in passing, and we don't work in the same store. I Wondered if the feelings would get dimmed down, but if anything I just wanna be able spend time with him. The crazy feelings I would get at work are gone. I only ever felt this 'sparkle' when we worked together on bar or when we used to close together.

That's when we would get deep and have personal conversations. He helped me through my brother being dumb, he helped me when I was app dating (ugh), he always has something nice to say about my appearance or how I smell (my fav).

I cannot believe I invited people over to my sacred space!!

We just need another opportunity to sit down and talk in privacy. And play wnrs, and get drunk.

I just need actual time together.

Even just getting to see him for a bit on Saturday, it means so much to me that he's coming. I know he is so tired after work, but he's doing it for me. Because he cares about me and that means the world to me. He's like a brother and a best friend and I just can't wait to hug him a million times and say it's because I'm drunk. (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)

[por-siempre-aqui]

[por-siempre-aqui]

R texted me today saying sorry that he forgot to text me happy birthday yesterday.

And I was like.... My birthday is on Saturday. Lol

He said he let a coworker convince him otherwise and he said he shouldn't have doubted himself.

I mean I agree, I wanted to tell him that he should never doubt himself.

Because he knows me and that coworker doesn't.

He says he's closing on Saturday but he is still going to come to my party. And I know it's because he knows how much it means to me and hopefully how much he means to me.

We haven't been able to hangout again and I really need one on one time with him. To have more conversations about life, I don't care what we talk about I always feel comfortable and safe when we hangout.

Sometimes at work I would feel nervous but now that's out of the equation. Technically we don't work together anymore.

I wanna smoke with him and watch a movie with him and go a walk.

I wanna do this with all my friends because I love spending time with them and I wanna do it with him specifically because I want our bond to be stronger and I'm not afraid to say that to him.

Ahhh yes I am

[por-siempre-aqui]

I already knew it was a possibility that some people might not show up.

It's okay if it's not a huge gathering but I do want everyone to have fun. I know by the middle of the whole thing I won't care because I will be drunk. But already a couple really cool people have mentioned they may not come.

I haven't even started really cleaning. I need to. Today.

The sofa I ordered got here early which is a good thing, because I was in a mood about it being late

I want to rest because I am on my period but I can't. I gotta move my body and throw stuff away.

[por-siempre-aqui]

I invited E and he says he's down and will bring a ton of weed. I only want my own goodies lol.

He is my friend and I do want him to mingle with my other friends that I have known for life. I wanna see the interactions and I have to remind people no talking about politics.

I just want people to have a good time.

That's what I want, that'll make me feel good

People pleasing at its finest.

[por-siempre-aqui]

Purchased the sofa for my room it's gonna force me to clear the other side and then people will have somewhere to sit if they hangout in there.

I decided I need to take time to organize my own personal space today.

Need to buy groceries and dog food.

Need to clear out the kitchen and dining room by Sunday.

Seven people have already confirmed for Saturday so at least I know someone will show up.

Tbh even if it was just me and two other friends I know I would have a good time.

[por-siempre-aqui]

I shouldn't be surprised

Expectations

How do I stop?

I understand but why not just tell me you don't wanna talk anymore?

I'm not gonna beg to hangout you gotta willingly wanna hangout with me dude

I'm not sad about it. I'm kinda upset because I communicated how I felt about the situation and he did the opposite.

No texts no calls no nothing lol

It's not even about it being romantic in any way it's honestly just bad manners.

[por-siempre-aqui]

The only real trip I ever took was with my brother. We flew up to San Francisco together because we had always wanted the opportunity to explore a city without our parents.

We stayed in an old hotel and we ate from the local trader Joe's almost everyday that we were there. We only stayed a week, but it has to be the most walking either of us ever did together.

We got to experience an urban setting and we got to travel by bus (my area's bus transportation is so shitty and inconsistent). I didn't have to drive anywhere and I even booked us a couple walking tours which really is what made our trip super worth it. We learned so much about the history of the city and we got to visit the coit tower. We went to amoeba and we went to the Japanese tea garden and even the conservatory of flowers. All things I would love to do again one day.

I even had a friend that drove from Sacramento to hangout with us for a day, she joined in and the day she did we walked around everywhere it was the most fun I had in a while.

I really need to take a vacation soon.