por-siempre-aqui

[por-siempre-aqui]

R reached out to me since everyone has left work.

He asked me how I was doing.

I saw the text, but didn't respond. It made me shed tears the entire drive to school. I felt the tears falling, but I had to stay focused.

I've been feeling very lonely and he just kinda reminded me and all these emotions came flooding out.

But I was also so appreciative if him. He really loves me. I told him that just be reaching out he helped me a lot. Because he showed that he cares.

And that's so sexy 🥵

I really wanna get together soon. I wanna try some subtle attraction gestures and see if he notices.

I also told my brother about me feeling disconnected. He suggested that we should hangout on Tuesdays since im in his area anyways. We can probably get dinner together and connect.

I just realized that my schedule is going to change soon. But I'm glad he's willing to meet up maybe we can do it on my other school days.

[por-siempre-aqui]

i appreciate effort. no matter how small, silly or irrelevant. i just really appreciate it.

[por-siempre-aqui]

So therapy has been helping me express myself during this time. My mom still isn't home. Grandma is doing better. My mom said she's not coming back until end of January.

This time of year already is so tough for me. It feels like I grieve the holidays because I miss the connection of family. But as a kid its so easy to see every holiday gathering as fun and memorable.

It makes me sad that I don't have any close ties with anyone on either side of the family. The holidays come and they're stress filled. My favorite part is the food.

I've been feeling lonely and abandoned. I wasn't sure if it was okay for me to feel that way. I feel guilty for being upset with my mom. But she is acting like I don't matter to her. Yes I'm an adult, but she still treats me like a child.

I know over the past 4 years there was a divide in our relationship. Partly due to my romantic relationship that I maintained at home.

This partnership changed my interactions with others because we only had time with each other during covid. And everyone seemed lonely when the lockdown started.

Anyways I was flourishing during covid. I kinda feel the same way now. I feel different and I am different. I do feel a sense of relief. A huge one.

We both felt unappreciated by each other. I cared too much about his well being to let him keep staying here.

I cared about my own well being too. He couldn't handle much, but he did what he could.

I miss his hugs. I think about the last time I let him hold me and I laid on his chest.

I miss the feeling of comfort that we learned to provide to one another.

But I don't miss much else. My life didn't feel like my life when I was with him. I felt already married to him and at the same time we also felt like strangers because we didn't talk about serious topics for so long.

I felt so unprepared for his love and affection even though at the time I was longing for it. I felt so accomplished when we started hanging out because I really liked him and was so attracted to him.

I didn't even consider whether or not he was a good person or his past. I let a lot slide for him simply because of how good I felt when we were together. I think we both let those feelings dictate us. It felt so good and safe.

To find someone who wants you that you want back? That's the ultimate love fantasy right there.

I haven't seen E in almost a month.

We still text every single day. Sometimes I stress out waiting for a reply so I have to turn off notifications and keep myself off my phone.

I still feel this connection to him. I don't mind that its been almost a month because time kinda flies by and its kinda nice to have this trust. Just this blind trust that we will eventually spend time together in person. I do have trust in him. I shouldn't because of what happened in the past, but idk he makes me feel like I can trust his word.

And we do have a few things in common and the physical chemistry is there. Just thinking about kissing him can get me going because we both put in the effort which makes it so hot. We get off on pleasing and that effort is so attractive to me.

Unfortunately any kind of EFFORT is attractive to me. And whenever we hangout he really puts in the effort to make sure I'm comfortable, stoned, fed, have a sweet treat and an orgasm. And that's enough for me to feel appreciated. Plus he picks me up and drives me around which Ima always appreciate.

When I get home after a date its really fucking nice to get into my own bed and not share anything with anyone. It's nice to have my own space to myself again. My past relationship really made me afraid to ever cohabitate with someone ever again.

Strangely enough I'm comfortable at the pace we are going.

[por-siempre-aqui]

“Sometimes we need someone to simply be there. Not to say anything but to let us know they’re on our side and that they care for us.”

— Unknown

[por-siempre-aqui]

I felt so uncomfortable driving at night tonight.

I was unprepared for it and I didn't have my usual glasses with me. Also why is everyone such an asshole driver, I hate driving on the freeway during traffic.

Woooo

Last week I didn't do anything fun. I'm feeling really lame.

I think I need to be brave and take myself out this week. I really would love to be around a good energy and live music. Gonna go to the same open mic I used to go to years ago.

I'm excited and nervous because I know its not the same and I hate change. But it's a good thing that it is so different because I can make new memories with new people.

Part of me is afraid to go and let myself have fun by alone because for so long I felt like I wasn't allowed to. There's this amazing Hawaiian restaurant there that I enjoy and they have a sick bar, I know I'm gonna have a good time.

[por-siempre-aqui]

I texted R on Friday.

I broke down at work. I didn't mean to make my other coworker who is leaving feel bad. But it was just a lot that day. And the election news is still making people feel a lot of mixed emotions.

I texted Him before my breakdown. I told him about it. I told him I just feel lonely and abandoned. And I've been feeling that way on and off for a very very long time.

Before the breakup too if I'm being really honest.

I felt abandoned by S. Very much so.

I already felt so lonely with him sleeping next to me.

I felt just as lonely laying next to E.

Idk when the lonely feeling is going to disappear.

Maybe its not going to.

Why am I still doing this with E?

He had a song with his friends. It has nothing to do with me, but I do not like his verse. It's literally the meanest verse in the entire song and he's being himself.

"Bitch I ain't giving a fuck about nothing but music, I told you to not get attached."

its aggressive and I wanna just say its his rapper persona, but I have a feeling its also something from his own personal experience.

He is very good at dodging personal questions so I have a couple card games and I really wanna play with him. I hope he is open to it.

And I hope my other friends will be open to it as well.

I miss making connections with my friends. I miss laughing and crying with them.

[por-siempre-aqui]

So I have a coworker that I do not get to work with because she only opens and she did this in a very manipulative way.

Not really. My new boss just isn't bossy enough.

She's fun, funny and has a huge heart. That's her downfall I think.

But this girl we have so many similarities. And we both seem passionate about the same social topics including the importance of sex education and nutrition education and etc.

I actually told her today that it's a shame we don't work together more often because I had a feeling that we were both very similar. And she said I agree, I feel it too. And she relates to me on a personal level about the balance pf empathy and apathy. How we are so empath that sometimes you just gotta not care to protect yourself because it's too much.

Then she kinda trashed a chappel roan song, but I actually didn't hate her interpretation of it. But I did mention its supposed to be about careless love without boundaries or safety. It's about inexperienced and reckless "love". And I joked that maybe the next album would be about boundaries.

I think I'm a little in love with her.

[por-siempre-aqui]

I really miss R.

I feel like we aren't close at all.

I still really wanna play WNRS with him.

I wanna get him all doped up.

Last time I asked him out to dinner his response was okay, but just dinner.

I wanna know what he meant by that. Like he doesn't wanna play the card game, or he doesn't wanna walk around after/before. I don't wanna force him, I just wanna have fun together. Ima suggest yardhouse next time. Ima take an uber there and then ask him for a ride home. Ima look really cute and he's already cute. Awh.

I wanna have bomb appetizers and perhaps a really cool brew or a nice strong cocktail. And I just wanna chat about him. I wanna hear him talk about what's on his mind because he doesn't open to me anymore. And I'm so bad at asking him questions. Ima make a list.

Like a reminder.

How are you?

How's your sister?

How are your parents? Mom? Dad?

How are your pups?

I personally don't wanna talk about work. You feel free to share if you want.

Now, how are you really?

Btw I miss working with you and talking to you. I miss you man.

If I drink, I shouldn't smoke. So I'll take edibles instead.

Lol

I just wanna hangout with him. hopefully the feeling is mutual. If not ima be a sad gorl.

[por-siempre-aqui]

The lines of communication are mostly open

I told him I don't have a relationship with God but God has a relationship with me

He told me he doesn't understand why his sister is a lesbian. That is off putting

I am attracted to both women and men but I can't remember if I mentioned that to him

Getting a hotel room together is the only way we will be able to not only have actual sexual activities, but he also said he wants to do something together like go for a drink which is nice. I told him my availability and he already knows his.

Not counting on the room thing happening soon or next time we hang out. But hopefully we can hangout in a more consistent manner, now that his family stuff is handled.

I find myself asking myself if I even like him as a person. Sometimes he says things and I don't agree with them. I either don't say anything or I do.

He knows how to please me, he knows how to kiss me and turn me on. We both get pleasure from pleasing.

Which is so hot.

My personal beliefs do not align with his but I don't feel this need that I started to feel with S. This need to change or correct him. Like he's not my man, he doesn't know my friends or my family.

He's a guy I met on an app. He's a guy who did hurt me, but he owned up to it. He's a guy who kind if reminds me of R. My ex R. He isn't dumb. He makes things simple for me like the hanging out. He asked me and gave me options and then I was honest and chose what I wanted to watch and I had a blast. He always shows me a good time. He just knows to listen and pay attention and that's so basic I know.

I know the desire to put in that effort is not a lot. But its enough for me right now. Especially when you have other things going on in your life. I don't sit and worry that he has forgotten me or that something happened to him. I trust that he's capable of taking care of himself. And in turn thats attractive to me because I don't have to feel these need to think about him and care about him. That's called co dependence and he is knowledgeable about that and I love that.

Us talking and communicating in person is what is personally helping me. The line is open, I just feel that by actually connecting sexually and intimately it might be harder to keep that up. Mostly the cuddling, I know sex complicates most relationships. But I feel comfortable kissing him and wanting him. Because we have done it before and both greatly enjoyed it. It's hot every time. Making it is so much fun, I have been craving it. And none of it has felt boring with him.

[por-siempre-aqui]

E and I were finally able to reconnect. He took me to see The Substance. We did dabs in his car and we made out a lot. I like that when we start kissing he makes sure to touch me. He makes sure I'm fully pleased before I go down on him. Like a gentleman.

We were able to have a conversation about us and having sex and where we can do that. We have agreed on getting a hotel together when we can. Making it an afternoon overnight thing. He suggested getting a lil tipsy. We also had a conversation about us, that we both feel very comfortable with each other, with the texting, with the space we give each other.

I opened up a lot to him. And he talked a little bit more about his life too. He's actually a very interesting and kind guy. He is a good listener and he shows me the kindness and respect I would expect from a friend.

We are both enjoying this and that makes me really happy because it's cool to not feel anxious about the guy I'm dating. It feels like we are on the same page.

He gave me another THC drink too.

I already saw this movie but I needed to see it in theater. And I wanted to watch him watch it.

He's a cool guy. I really like him as a friend that I let stick his fingers inside me. He almost made me cum tonight. But it always feels good to be with him.

[por-siempre-aqui]

fml

I missed an entire midterm because I'm a dumbass.

I thought the deadline was tonight and I just logged on and noticed the deadline was Friday night.

I feel incredibly stupid. I feel like I took on too much and should have only taken 2 classes. I hate food and beverage management courses. They are a waste of my time.

[por-siempre-aqui]

"Soo if you put that energy out there, it will come back to you."

Ahhh. E and I are chillin. Hopefully we get to hangout in person next week. I wanna wear my cute costumes for him. We keep talking about wanting to get naughty. But I'm not gonna dress all slutty to make out in his car or at a park.

In order to get naughty we need privacy. I guess we should talk about our options. He has mentioned his studio. Otherwise we are gonna have to get a hotel to fuck peacefully. Which is fine, but I think I should help pay lol.

i have a mutual naughty snap chat buddie.

He's really sweet. And sending him videos really turned me on. Ahhh

[por-siempre-aqui]

I was at the grocery store today and I made eye contact with this guy randomly. I was walking to the juice aisle. But I should have gotten in line behind him.

Unsure if he was smiling at me, but he was cute. By the time I walked back he was at the front of the line on his way out.

I also made eye contact with that cutie hitting his bong yesterday.

I've been feeling cute, I hope it's not all in my head. 😂

[por-siempre-aqui]

did I ruin this with my teeny tiny display of vulnerability?

i'm just being honest. when i say i wanna be friends.

and to me

friends talk, they hangout in person, they have common interests. that's literally how a friendship grows and develops. quality time. but if he is not down then

i don't think he wants to be my friend.

if we can't be friends we can't do fun things together, it's that simple.

i didn't ask him for the daily texts. i told him he didn't have to worry about it.

I didn't know we would both be busy. I was busy too studying for my midterms and dealing with my mom.

It's just me and dad at home right now, we mostly keep to ourselves. We take turns cooking every now and then.

It's nice. Peaceful. I do miss my mom. I wish I could protect her from the pain she's going through. I'm working out more to distract myself. But I really have to study and complete this midterm by tomorrow at the latest.

I wish I didn't care about his response but I am curious dammit. I'm not angry or frustrated. I just wanna know when we can hangout. lol

I should have added lol I probably came off as an angry witch. now I'm never gonna get spanked and that makes me sad :c

And then there's the wedding this Friday. Fucking wow.

And I'm going with my bestie as my wedding date.

I hope we look cute. I hope I get drunk. I hope I attract a hottie, with my dance moves of course.

I'm really looking forward to Friday dammit!

[por-siempre-aqui]

I was on campus today and I was vaping in my car like a loser. I usually take a walk from the library to my car, drop off my laptop and puff. I also have a lil snack. I was watching some funny videos and laughing out loud.

The guy in the car to the left of me returned to his car and it just so happened that I had to start gathering my shit to get to class.

When I got up to lock my door I noticed that he was playing good music , had this windows rolled down and was taking about to take a rip from his bong. I got outta my car turned around, saw his piece and giggled, I was stoned so I peered into his window and said "cheers!".

[por-siempre-aqui]

It's 3am on Thursday

I cannot sleep.

E has been busy, but he still makes the continued effort to text daily and honestly it's really nice.

I want to let him know I appreciate it.

I hope we are able to see each other next week.

We got to talking about one of my favorite directors and he likes a lot of his work too. It's cool to have something else in common.

I also just saw The Substance and it was amazing. It's the kind of body horror I enjoy, it's something S and I would've watched together.

I'm supposed to hangout with K tomorrow so that will be nice!

[por-siempre-aqui]

My period has been so delayed i feel like shit because of that

Hopefully I flush out tomorrow

e and I still talk every day.

Sometimes we don't talk until the afternoon. But I'm the one who told him it doesn't matter what time and that he didn't need to feel this burden or pressure. And I'm glad I told him that early on.

Today I asked him how he feels and he responded with 'ive been busy' lol

Like I wonder if he felt like I was calling him out? Or more like he implied he is stressed because he is basically working OT right now. I'm used to the spaced out texting, but he still explained himself and I just appreciate it.

If he brings it up in person I will express gratitude in person. The past couple of days have been a lil bit giddy again at least on my end.

I'm really enjoying having no needy feelings towards him. Or at least significantly less.

I need to refocus starting tomorrow. breathe, move around and eat some food.

But I sent him some cute ass vids. (ehehe)

I decided to add on my old apron and my goodness I looked great and he saved that video so ya know he liked it.

I suggested we visit a sex shop together and he says that sounds fun because it'll give us ideas. I just want him to buy lube lol. And show him which toys I like/use. And I wanna ask him what sex toys he has tried or is open to trying. I wanna strap a cock ring on him so badly D:

But he also said "after this week I would like that"

I'm not upset because i knew it was a possibility and I'm glad he ended up mentioning his current situation. I don't really ask him any personal questions so I was never gonna know until he told me and he did.

It was nice. Now I know he is not avoiding hanging out with me he is just busy.

So now I gotta get and stay busy this week.