#…but it does conveniently tie in with the idea of being a predator

[pinkeoni]

Will Byers, Coming of Age, Transformations, Predators, Queerness & Teen Wolf

There’s one part of the “leaks” that sappicjopper put out that really caught my attention—

And as to not look naïve, yes I am highly aware that these “leaks” are likely fake. However, disregarding the legitimacy of this as a “leak,” it is in itself a compelling idea that does have some legs to stand on as a theory.

So awhile ago I made a post about Will’s coming of age story and how that fits into the horror genre, and how exploring coming of age and sexual awakening through the supernatural is a popular trope.

I wanna point out three films I use in my analysis, Ginger Snaps, Jennifer’s Body, and Black Swan. These films have a lot of things in common, but one aspect I want to point out is there use of physical transformation.

These transformations covers an umbrella of different themes depending on the character, but something that all three of them have in common is sexuality. As all of these women become more sexually liberated, and thereby seen as dangerous by those around them, they fall deeper into these physical transformations. (IE Jennifer and Ginger both eating men after they have sex with them)

In my original post I also discuss how this fear of sexuality, or view of sexuality as something monstrous and predatory, is related to queerness. Both Jennifer Check and Nina Sayers are visibly queer characters in both their respective films.

So what? All of this is very speculative, how do I know that Will is going to go through a similar arc, just because I can relate him to a few movies that I like personally? How do I know that the Duffer’s are going to do something similar? Is there reference to a movie within in the show, that features transformation as an allegory for coming of age and queerness?

Actually, there is.

All credits goes to @chirpsythismorning for their deep dive post into the shows use of the film Teen Wolf, which appears in the show as one of Rick Conroy’s recent rentals as well as the poster in the background of a few shots.

(screenshot credits to @chirpsythismorning)

The Freddy Krueger standee, the character who kills people in their dreams whose actor makes a cameo in the show, positioned right over Max’s shoulder should be enough to say that the film references in the background are a lot more than just meaningless references.

Teen Wolf is a 1985 supernatural coming of age movie about a teen named Scott who learns that he is a werewolf.

Within s4 we actually get some parallels between the film and Lucas’ arc— Scott is a basketball player who seeks popularity before embracing who he is and what he really wants. However, I think it’s possible that the film could also be a piece of foreshadowing for Will’s arc in s5.

While Scott is not an explicitly queer character, there is some coding within the film that correlates his lycanthropy with queerness. Remember this is a mainstream teen movie from the 1980’s, if there’s going to be any queerness it’s gonna have to come from subtext, although it is pretty unsubtle.

There’s this very heavy handed scene where Scott confesses to Stiles that he’s a werewolf, and Stiles believes that Scott is coming out to him initially.

There’s also this conversation Scott has with his father that can be read as queer coded.

Or essentially saying, being queer isn’t easy, but it’s not bad either. And then Scott equating his queerness with being a predator, and expects to be hunted as such.

When Scott goes through his first full transformation, it’s right after he played a game of two minutes in heaven with his childhood friend Boof, equating sexuality with his beastlihood.

In s4, there’s a big emphasis on the word predator.

Will’s queerness is an open secret in a town that believed he was “killed by some other queer” and that a group of satanic sodomizers are responsible for murder. I’m willing to bet that that predator label is going to be put onto Will, especially as he begins to come more into his own sexuality.

What would be a literal way to portray this predator title? By having him transform into a predatory creature, just as everyone sees him.

Am I saying Will is going to become a werewolf? Well no, that wouldn’t really make sense with the show. But there is something that may have even been foreshadowed in the show.

How would this transformation even happen? Well, as our “leaker,” or rather, enthusiastic theorist suggests, it has something to do with his connection to the Upside Down, which is progressively leaking more and more into Hawkins. So not a literal zombie, but maybe a zombie like creature that could survive in the Upside Down.

When Vecna was sent through the gate to the UD we saw him go through a physical transformation as he adapted to his environment. This would he a like a speedrun version of that amplified by Will’s own personal connection to the UD (which I believe predates his kidnapping)

It would also serve as a way to highlight the parallels between Vecna and Will, what by having Will physically become similar to him. What better way to show the Vecna/Will mirrors by having Will look in the mirror and see the spitting image of Vecna staring back at him.

Bonus: Scott in Teen Wolf in played by Michael J. Fox, and which character was dressed similarly to a popular Michael J. Fox character in season one?

[graciebirdie]

I found a list of fanfiction from alllllll the way back in 2015 so of course I’m going to rec them. Of course. I have nothing better to do. Here have some Hobbit fanfiction! (not that anyone but me and @somanyofthekids actually read them anymore...)

Bilbo/Thorin

Dushin by Wizards_Pupil - Complete 48,421

Everything Bilbo knows about curses says that being chained to a dwarf and dragged into an adventure because of it should not be enjoyable.

It certainly shouldn’t be fun.

Though it’s probably because no one would describe fighting wraiths, dragons, darkness from the north, and shiny stones as fun.

Adventures are really just a lot more complicated than Bilbo had ever been aware of.

Something Blue by Lapin Complete 34,026

Thorin marries Bilbo after the Battle of Five Armies, a marriage of convenience, not love. Slowly, they must come to make the best of it, Bilbo resolves. After all, he's a Hobbit. They make the best of things.

In Silence by PurrpleCat Complete 30,818

"„Dwalin, son of Fundin,” Dain says above him, his voice devoid of any emotion, „You are banished forthwith from the Kingdom of Erebor under pain of death.” Dwalin can almost hear the smile in his voice as he says: „Bring me his beard.”

He can hear Balin scream, but he cannot recognize the words – blood is pounding in his ears, horror making him freeze. He closes his eyes tightly, swallows. This is what he wants, he reminds himself. This is what he deserves.

Thorin, he thinks as one of the guards yanks his head back and puts a blade to his chin. Forgive me."

Protective Nature by silverneko9lives0 Complete 24,487

Everyone survives the BOTFA and Bilbo stays in Erebor. However, it seems that all the nobles suddenly want to seduce Bilbo and not all of them have honorable intentions. Dwalin may just be the Captain of the Guard, but he'll be damned if he allows anyone to hurt their Burglar. He makes it his unofficial job to chase off any unsavory characters.

Coats and Customs by imaginary_gloux Complete 31,632

AU in which Smaug never happened: Thror arranges Thorin's marriage to a hobbit. Thorin isn't entirely sure what a hobbit is. Written for a prompt on the Hobbit Kink Meme.

101 of Dwarven Haircare: Combs, Razors, and Other Scary Stories by jeza_red Complete 23,784

For the fill on hobbitkink.

Dwarf hair is different, okay?

Cultural shock and confusion with strangely funny results. Also a thread of understanding between two confused parties and a little comb that is more precious than whole Erebor.

Dwalin/Ori

Don’t Ask Me Why by SangoChan2 Complete 45,831

Does Ori look at Dwalin because he is in love with him or is he in love with him because he is constantly looking at him? Pointless, really. Now, does Dwalin look back? That is the question.

Ink by calenmir Complete 22,862

Based on this prompt from the Hobbit Kink Meme: "I just want a modern day AU in which Dwalin is a tattoo artist and Ori is a librarian, and they somehow meet. Either because Dwalin gets a book (to prove to his brother he actually reads, goddammit), or because Ori walks into Dwalin's tattoo parlour (he went in there to rebel against his brother Dori, but he realizes the second he walks in that he doesn't want a tattoo)."

Bonus! Bilbo/Beorn

Bread and Honey by silverneko9lives0 Complete 20,023

For Hobbit Kink Meme:

The Shire is very close to Beorn's lands. The hobbits are terrified of the skin-changer: they give him food, and clothes and all kinds of things as tributes. In return, Beorn pretty much ignores their existence. One day Bilbo is happily walking around the borders of the Shire when he finds an unconscious bear, with its paw in a trap and only a fool will get close to help such dangerous predator, of course, Bilbo is that Took of a fool. He frees the animal, bandage the wound as much as he can and goes away when the bear is regaining consciousness. A few days later the scary Beorn comes to the Shire, requesting Bilbo's presence on his house. The hobbits get the wrong idea -he meant it as a guest- and tie up poor Bilbo and leave him as a tribute for the big man.

[aminellelia-blog]

Fifty Shades of Grey Parody

This is my very first Tumblr post. I originally wrote this parody last year and posted it on Fanfiction.net, but now I decided to share it here too. If you like Fifty Shades of Grey I recommend you don’t read this story. It’s making fun of it to the fullest extent, because I really don’t like it.

All characters that aren’t part of the original story are covered in bold.

Enjoy!

We pan over Seattle. Bella-err, Anastasia Steele (not sure if it's supposed to be a subtle take on a sex toy) is a cute, clumsy, virginal, college student living there, trying to embody as many of the average female viewers as possible. Spoiler alert: she's less relatable than Bella Swan, which is ironic considering where her flatness originated from.

ANASTASIA'S BOTTOM LIP: OH. EM. GEE. I'm going to be a star!

KATE: Bella, I'm sick, so you'll have to interview that super, hot, sexy, although-kind-of-rapey-but-excused-because-he's-hot guy I was going to interview.

ANASTASIA: I've seen enough porn to know where this is going. YES! I've always wanted to say that line where it made sense.

KATE: Don't push it, girl. You're just interviewing him.

ANASTASIA: And I'm getting a piece of that.

AUDIENCE: Have all innocent-minded asexuals in the world miraculously moved to Mars?

Anastasia finds the bigass building owned by Edward Christian Cullen Grey. Huh, last time I watched *Secretary* he just owned a small office. Blown-up barbie human dolls meet her and is led to the predator's office. Ana, run. RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN, ya dense cow. To be cute, she stumbled over the flat threshold, which I have no idea how you possibly can.

CHRISTIAN: That's so adorable. Wanna have sex?

ANASTASIA: Sex is a tea flavor, right?

CHRISTIAN: Hominah. My name is Christian Grey. While you're on your knees anyway, suck my cock, hoe.

ANASTASIA: What an interesting euphemism for interview. My name is Anastasia St-pff! My friend is sick with the flu and asked me to come here being your next victim in her place. Though, I don't know how a man with toddler eyes could be dangerous.

CHRISTIAN: A slut's mouth shouldn't be moving more than necessary, so get on with your 10-minute interview.

ANASTASIA: Aight. Here's a question every sane viewer asks: How come you are so much richer at a younger age than Mark Zuckerberg was despite not doing shit?

CHRISTIAN: OMG, you stupid, f*cking bitch. How dare you ask me a good question. I can't believe your insolence. Kill yourself.

ANASTASIA: Well?

CHRISTIAN: It's not very relevant, is it? What is relevant is my filthy rich viper up your low-class clam shell.

ANASTASIA: Vipers and clam shells?

CHRISTIAN: Trust me, when it comes to the themes in this film, those are really the best metaphors.

ANASTASIA: Yeah, then...what is your interest outside of work?

CHRISTIAN: Didn't I already answer that? Enough with your audacity. Give me an actual question, if your inferior-to-men mind can afford that, you filthy lowlife.

ANASTASIA: Are you gay? Ain't I cute, reading and spitting out whatever before thinking.

CHRISTIAN: Another good question. What the hell is wrong with you?

ANASTASIA: Morton's Fork is at play, I see.

CHRISTIAN: If you must know, no.

ANASTASIA: Are you a self-serving asshole?

CHRISTIAN: Finally something relevant. Yes, I am. Now, do you have a question you want to ask me instead of your friend's?

ANASTASIA: You've spent this time insulting me and then you ask for my viewpoint. Heh. Okay.

CHRISTIAN: Shut it, hole-to-please-men. I just want to pry and see if you're up for sitting upon this lance or not. Let me give you subtle suggestiveness about it.

ANASTASIA: … You said you're an asshole. Why do I get the feeling that's not true?

AUDIENCE: Because you're numb in the upper story?

A secretary comes in and interrupts the so-called interview. More like a director-to-actor conversation.

SECRETARY: Mr. Grey, you have a meeti-

CHRISTIAN: Are you serious? We only talked for four minutes!

SECRETARY: OH! Yeah. Sorry. My bad. *Leaves*

CHRISTIAN eyes ANASTASIA with a creepy intensity that would rival Hugh Hefner's erection.

CHRISTIAN: I can't be standin' my stupid bitches. At least you seem bland, and that be good enough for me. How about finishin' your finals, then you becomin' my bottom bitch?

ANASTASIA: Throwing away my promising potential future career for becoming a mindless sex slave to a guy who can't stop staring down my vag? I'll think about it. It'll most likely be yes. Who am I kidding, it's yes. Otherwise there would be no plot to speak of.

AUDIENCE: In this case, it would be a good thing.

CHRISTIAN does the rarest thing next to platinum, being an actual gentleman walking ANASTASIA to the elevator. When she walks in, he steals the sheet with questions from her papers without her noticing.

CHRISTIAN: Joinkity-joink!

ANASTASIA walks out, where it conveniently rains. That sex joke was old 20 years ago.

ANASTASIA: Holy Hindu's Cow, that insulting business man made me cream myself, oh so help me. I'm gonna domesticate dat ass.

ANASTASTIA'S VAGINA: Finally, I get to see the light of day!

ANASTASIA'S BOTTOM LIP: LET'S WORK TOGETHER TO TAME HIM!

ANASTASIA'S VAGINA: YAY!

ANASTASIA'S BRAIN: Can I join the party, too?

ANASTASIA'S CLIT: Shove it, punk.

ANA goes home to her and KATE's dorm. KATE is sitting writing their report-thingamajig upon her arrival.

KATE: So how was he?

ANA: Polite, clean, courteous… oh, who am I kidding, he was a douchebag.

KATE: EEEEEE I SHIP IT SO HARD! … did you f*ck?

ANA: Heck, no! I think it will take time getting his misogyny to consent to that. By the way, that "gay" question, total dick move.

KATE: We as a society have to know everything, we can't leave it alone, we have to know every single detail.

ANA: Stop sounding like the 4chan community.

KATE steals ANA'S sandwich she was making.

ANA: You motherf*ck-, you just don't steal sandwiches! You just don't, EVER! Never mind, I will try to get one with the toppings of Grey's mojo… wait did I say that out loud? Holy crap crappity crap crap inner goddess subconscious!

KATE: OMG FAVORITE SHIP OF ALL TIME.

AUDIENCE: … planet Earth sucks.

ASEXUALS: Told ya so!

We get a montage of ANA going to class and meeting her friend JOSÉ when she goes on her way to work.

JOSÉ: Hey, uh… I love you and care about you. I'll show this by being genuinely courteous and caring.

ANA: I'm sorry, but I'm into dicks who want to hurt me by sticking giant Hitachi Magic Wands up my butt. See ya!

JOSÉ: … I can do that, too…

AUDIENCE: DUDE. NO. IT AIN'T WORTH IT.

FAN AUDIENCE: Even we agree.

ANASTASIA gets to her work shift and her phone rings; it's her mother stating she's not coming to her graduat-*yawn* this is not relevant to a wiener pushed up a cooch, so who honestly watching this drivel would give a flying fladoodle? We want action, dammit!

AUDIENCE: Not that we're expecting any worth jacking off to.

CHRISTIAN: *stalking*

ANA: *sees him* Holy shit… I'm so turned on right now.

CHRISTIAN: Pleasant meeting you, future slav- I mean, Ms. Steele…-y Dan. That will be your pet name, oh yeah.

ANA: Just Ana. If you're going to continue stalking me, at least don't be too polite.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, except he was already out of that game to begin with by stalking you. And by being an asshole. And by raping you with his eyes.

CHRISTIAN: Fyi, my sweet ragmuffin, I'm actually here on business. *cough*excepti'mactuallynotandiactuallywantdatass*cough*

ANA: What can I help you with?

CHRISTIAN: Give me some rap- err, rope to strangl- I mean, tie you up- I mean, use erotic asphyxation for- I mean…

ANA: Rope?

CHRISTIAN: … Yeah, rope. Just plain "rope". Let's go with that…

More useless dialogue… Putting in random Tom & Jerry skits would tell the story better.

CHRISTIAN: *senseless flirting*

ANA: *holy-crap-he-talks-to-lil'-ol'-me-blush*

FAN AUDIENCE: Squeeee!111 OMG HE SOH SEXEHH!

AUDIENCE: Quiet! I'm trying to think of a way to excuse myself out of watching this.

FAN AUDIENCE: You just don't get it!

AUDIENCE: Uh, yeah, we do. We really do, pumpkin.

ANA: Thank you for buying at Clayton's, please come again have a great day, bye mmkay!

CHRISTIAN: Here's my phone number. I'm saying I'm offering original photos for your report by giving you this, but it's actually rapist-ese for "I want to penetrate your posterior".

ANA: Thanks come again. *he leaves, beat* I would masturbate now, but I'm so virginal and mentally 12-years old I don't even know how to.

AUDIENCE: Seriously? Just… seriously? Did you get an African circumcision or something?

The poopshoot-photo shoot happen fiddiddlediddlydoo. Of course, he asked her for coffee afterwards, like, the biggest shock since Donald Trump messing up as president… in case you don't get it, not shocking.

CHRISTIAN: Is José your boyfriend?

ANA: No.

CHRISTIAN: Is Paul your boyfriend?

ANA: No.

CHRISTIAN: Then no one will protect you from my sword's impending wrath. Perfect.

ANA: ?

AUDIENCE: The possessive streak isn't a warning signal.

FAN AUDIENCE: Dude, what the hell are you on about?

AUDIENCE: We're just counting the million things not inside Ana's brain. This is one of them, right behind sexual education and common sense.

FAN AUDIENCE: Dude, shut the f*ck up.

AUDIENCE: Nope. You get entertained by this, we get entertained by our thoughts. Win-win.

They go out for coffee. He would much rather do other things involving coffee with her, and I ain't talking about drinking it.

ANA: Woah, scolding hot.

CHRISTIAN: And I would ejaculate if it were all over you burning your skin and making you scream in pain- err, I mean, blow on it. Not just on it, but on my-

ANA: I find you intimidating.

CHRISTIAN: Clever hawk.

ANA: I also find you a high-maintenance obsessed jerk.

CHRISTIAN: Then why do you find me interesting?

ANA: The plot wants me to.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, right. So anyway, your family, what are they like? They must be just as interesting and colorless as you. (Finally got that pesky getting-to-know-her-question out of the way…)

ANA: My dad Ray is cool, and my mom is a romanti-

CHRISTIAN: Jab, jab jab. You?

ANA: Am I romantic? I'm an English major, so yes, I am. Because you have to be a linguist to be able to be passionate with words, and your entire personality hinges on your occupation. Also, this is a complete lie. I'm not romantic. I can't be if I'm lusting after you. But I like to think I am.

CHRISTIAN: *ahw shiet look* I can't deal with delusional dumbasses right now. Come, I'll walk you out, you can't do it yourself.

ANA: Because I'm so stupid?

CHRISTIAN: No, because you're a girl.

AUDIENCE: 100 million. 100 million dollars… *sob*

They go outside for the closest thing this movie can have for DRAMA. The scene is a bigger insult to the word than Ana's wet stain in her panties.

ANA: Look, if you have a girlfriend…

CHRISTIAN: I don't. I'm just going to pretend to have a shred of humanity in me by giving you one last warning that I'm everything you can't want, not that moronic girls like you like bad boys and will want to come back to them. Because this movie likes degrading women and making men into domineering overlords, in case you couldn't tell.

ANA: …OMG I'm going to sob and think about you and watch Nicholas Sparks films while eating chocolate ice-cream and be such a chick about it OMG boohoo! *runs off*

CHRISTIAN: …dammit, I'm horny now. Better find a prostitute.

AUDIENCE: I hope to find something to jack off to myself. Like the bicycle that just ran by and almost hit Ana in the shot.

FAN AUDIENCE: Jeez, you're still going?

ANA and KATE finished their exams and now they're going to party, because assuming you got passed in an exam without knowing first is cause for celebration. And, of course, along with being virginal like a rock in space without the company of another rock, she gets completely plastered. Aww, ain't that just the cutest thing ever?

AUDIENCE: When Rock Lee did it, yes.

FAN AUDIENCE: But, he destroyed everything in his path when drunk?

AUDIENCE: Exactly.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Let's up our game in cuteville.

ANA: *not having yet deleted him as contact for some reason, calls Christian* :D

CHRISTIAN: *picks up* Hello?

ANA: Hello. So, uh, this is my cute call to say I need you, man. Dude, I love you. Get over here so we can continue this plot already, you sexy fox. You're so bossy, tho. You need to stop being so controlling, I'm my own woman and I'll get what I want, and that is your dong in my throat.

AUDIENCE: Normally you become stupid when drunk, but she must be so stupid it goes the opposite way or something.

CHRISTIAN: Is this a booty call?

ANA: It's whatever you want it to be, baby. *hangs up*

JOSÉ comes out for the matter-of-time rejection scene with Ana as she has gone outside.

JOSÉ: I love you. Let's kiss.

ANA: No. I don't wannnaaaaa…

JOSÉ: No equals yes equals no equals yes equals no equals yes. Even numbers! That means you want to swallow my tongue. Let's get to it.

CHRISTIAN intervenes and pushes him away, trying to be a knight in shining armor, but since he is who he is, it's more like a kidnapping from the real knight in shining armor by comparison.

CHRISTIAN: Back off man, she's my future rape victim. Get your own.

JOSÉ: *rejected nice guy cockerspaniel eyes* *Leaves*

CHRISTIAN: Let's get you to my apartment.

ANA: No, thanks. I'm with Kate.

CHRISTIAN: I ordered my brother Elliot to go "Date Kate, she's willin'!"-

(A/N: I apologize for that reference, dear folks, but I have to maintain my sanity somehow)

CHRISTIAN: -because siblings are my bitches, too. You're coming with me now, I won't take no for an answer, you're useless by yourself.

ANA: *intimidated* Okay.

AUDIENCE: Crazy f*ck.

FAN AUDIENCE: Aww, he cares about her.

AUDIENCE: I'm pretty sure taking somebody home in hopes of screwing the shit out of them wouldn't fall under the "caring" category in the average dictionary.

FAN AUDIENCE: …is there an off switch on you?

AUDIENCE: So no one with actual brains can sarcastically comment on this to others amusement and make them want to kill themselves less? What do you think, genius?

Ana wakes up in Christian's apartment the next morning. Without even seeing him, hearing him, smelling him or using any of the other five main senses, he's already giving her orders in poor Alice in Wonderland references on the bedside table.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND REFERENCE: I'm only in it for the money.

ANA: Oh my God, an odd moment of out-of-characterness (the most I can have, anyway) makes me realize waking up like this is creepy. I mean, I'm undressed. And where did you sleep?

CHRISTIAN: Next to you.

ANA: OH. MY. GOD.

CHRISTIAN: Don't worry, necrophilia is not my thing.

ANA: What's that got to do with anything?!

CHRISTIAN: … *sigh* I didn't have sex with your sleeping body.

ANA: Why didn't you just say so? What the hell did you mention necrophilia for?

AUDIENCE: Because E.L. James and Sam-Taylor Johnson feel so smug that they know a complicated word they forgot to look up the actual meaning behind it.

ANA'S SUBCONSCIOUS: Don't worry, that's kind of their thing.

CHRISTIAN: *throws toast at Ana* EAT.

ANA: NO. *throws it back*

CHRISTIAN: I ain't playing catch *throws it back* EAT.

ANA: *succumbs, takes a bite*

CHRISTIAN: I'm picking up new clothes for you, too. The ones you wore looked like shit.

ANA: Because I puked on them?

CHRISTIAN: Yeah, that too. *takes off shirt for absolutely no reason*

ANA'S VAGINA: Hominah hominah hominah hominah

FAN AUDIENCE: HELL YEAH, WE'RE FINALLY IN FOR KINKY STUFF!

AUDIENCE: Kill me…

CHRISTIAN'S ABS: Hey, baby, wanna go back to my place?

ANA'S CLIT: You bet your ass I wanna!

CHRISTIAN'S ABS: Cool. Let's just hope our hosts agree.

ANA'S CLIT: GDAMMIT.

ANA'S BRAIN: LOL!

ANA'S CLIT: STFU

ANA: Why did you take me here?

CHRISTIAN: Haven't I made that clear a million times already? I can't leave your sexy pooper alone, because I wanna do it.

ANA: …then don't. Leave it alone, I mean.

ANA'S CLIT: LOL!

ANA'S BRAIN: STFU

CHRISTIAN: You don't understand… oddly enough. I'm into BDSM. I like hardcore spanking-your-ass-til-you-bleed kink. I'm not into romance, I only like the aspects coming from it. You wouldn't be able to handle it.

ANA: Wanna bet?

CHRISTIAN: …50 bucks?

ANA: Deal. But I'll have to work first. Let's meet at 7 pm.

CHRISTIAN: 'Kay.

ANA'S BOTTOM LIP: *attention whoring*

CHRISTIAN: I'd like to bite that lip.

AUDIENCE: *snort laugh* I'm sorry, that's… just… beautiful. This would make an awesome comedy film. Just leave out the violent abuse, and you've got material better than Adam Sandler's.

CHRISTIAN: But I want you to write consent to that.

ANA: Ok.

AUDIENCE: *ROARING LAUGHTER*

FAN AUDIENCE: What's so funny? Lip-biting may be classified as rape in Wyoming!

They go to the elevator to take Ana home, with the latter doing some more cute lip-biting.

CHRISTIAN: That's a dealbreaker!

AND SEXY MAKEOUT TIEMZ ARE HAD LMAO.

They get to Ana's apartment and MORE SEXY TIEMZ ARE HAD… by Kate and Elliot, that is.

FAN AUDIENCE: Oh, come ON! When are the things we paid for coming?

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Patience. If we made it shorter, the movie would be cheape- I mean, the movie wouldn't follow the original novel.

ANA: Okay, I did not have to see that.

CHRISTIAN: Only if it were you and I in a mirror. *slasher smile*

ANA: Whu…?

The boys leave for the girls to have girls talk which is stupid as per usual. (A/N: Before you say anything, I'm female. Who find this kind of girl talk stupid. I'm not explaining it further).

KATE: Now did you f*ck?

ANA: No.

KATE: Damn! How slow are you, girl?

ANA: I barely know him, Kate.

KATE: So what?

AUDIENCE: Because true love doesn't have to revolve around sex and in actuality comes down to respect and understanding from both parties' ends and being happy just spending time with your partner in terms and ways that aren't constantly related to your genitals?

FAN AUDIENCE: Ha! What kind of gay theory is that?

AUDIENCE: The theory from dawn of time.

FAN AUDIENCE: …Well, the world is progressing.

AUDIENCE: Negatively, yes.

FAN AUDIENCE: For crying out loud, when will you shut up?!

AUDIENCE: When they give up on continuing the series.

FLYING-IN-A-STUPID-HELICOPTER-MONTAGE: *plays music by Ellie Goulding far surpassing the quality of this film*

Their helicopter ride got them to an apartment more classy than any mansion somewhere else, which isn't where they were before at least, and wine is had. There is a non-disclosure agreement set on the table in front of Ana.

ANA: What is that?

CHRISTIAN: It's a contract with terms and conditions about discussing our relationship, sexually or no, with anyone. My frickin' lawyer is involved with it, because rutting back and forth is formal business.

ANA: Wow, I had no idea you were so organized. That's hot.

AUDIENCE: Controlling is more like it.

ANA signs it without reading its entirety, making her agree to become a HUMANCENTiPAD with two others that… oh, sorry, wrong show. I just find that scene more arousing than anything in this.

ANA: Are you gonna make love to me now?

CHRISTIAN: I don't make love. I f*ck. Hard.

AUDIENCE: That line is too magnificent to comment on.

FAN AUDIENCE: GOOD. I was about to bash your head in.

Ana isn't frightened, because those words are calming for a virgin. She asks why this is, and he takes her to his "playroom".

CHRISTIAN: Beyond this door, there's a playroom.

ANA: Like your Xbox and stuff?

AUDIENCE: How the hell are you 21?

CHRISTIAN: If by Xbox you mean anal play thing, then yes. Not that I would expect a hair-brained idiot like you to use sexual euphemisms.

He takes out a key.

CHRISTIAN: Anyway, know that you can leave at any time. If it's too much for you, I completely understand. Just know that the helicopter is outside and I'm not forcing you into anything. Just relax, don't panic when you see it, just tell me. Calm down, calm down CALM DOWN CALM DOWN!

ANA: YOOUUUU calm down!

AUDIENCE: The Three Stooges slapstick would be comedy gold right now.

ANA: Try me, Mr. Man.

ANA'S BRAIN has been beaten to unconsciousness by the other three main emotions of hers.

ANA'S CLIT: Welcome to kinkville, faggot.

The door is opened, and she's presented to the very sexual definition of "playroom".

ANA: HOLY SHIT.

In terror, she looks at his perverted stash of sex toys. Stepping forward, she takes an even breath and touches one of them thoughtfully. Christian walks up behind her.

CHRISTIAN: That's a flogger.

ANA: Yeah, because when I see a room full of sexual equipment meant for blurring the thin line between pain and pleasure I'm not even familiar with as I'm a virgin I wonder what the hell a feathery sex toy is called.

CHRISTIAN: Didn't you?

ANA: …yeah, I did.

CHRISTIAN: Well, then. What do you think?

SILENCE: *appropriate*

CHRISTIAN: Say something. Please.

ANA: Well, sorry, but this is a lot to take in! I have never had sex, after all! Do you expect me to just up and "This is cool, let's roleplay as Batman and Catwoman while I'm tied up in the most humanly degrading position possible with these ropes over here"?

CHRISTIAN: …yes? I mean, only if you want me to.

AUDIENCE: Well, how the heck can she know if she wants to, dumbass?

CHRISTIAN: Well, I'm a dominate. That means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me. There are my set of rules I want you to follow; if you follow them, reward awaits. If you don't, you'll be punished.

ANA: By using this stuff on me?

CHRISTIAN: No, by saying mean things to you that would hurt your widdle feewings- of course with this stuff, lummox!

AUDIENCE: You know that South Park fanfiction "Kyle in Chains"? That story explained BDSM a hell of a lot better.

FAN AUDIENCE: That story didn't even revolve around BDSM.

AUDIENCE: Exactly.

ANA: What would I get out of this?

CHRISTIAN: Aside from bruises? Me.

ANA: And if I refuse?

CHRISTIAN: You won't be getting me, genius. That's how bargains work.

They leave the room to head for a different room.

CHRISTIAN: If you agree, this will be your room during the weekends while we spend the entirety of it having hardcore sex in mine. We'll discuss negotiations later and sounding so formal when talking about something so ridiculous as this is just laughable.

ANA: …what if I wanted you in a romantic way?

CHRISTIAN: That will never work.

ANA: But-

CHRISTIAN: I said no. I can only have this type of relationship. I only get off on making my girls suffer. Being tender and loving towards them makes me sick to my stomach. It's so gay. Because people practicing bondage don't have feelings and are cold-hearted monsters like me.

ANA: Aren't you being a bit close-mi-

CHRISTIAN: No, I'm not. Now shut up.

AUDIENCE: F*cking bigot.

CHRISTIAN: Now, I have a contract prepared detailing what kind of pain I want to serve on your pretty little ass. I'll let you decide what I can do to you, except I will not.

ANA: I wouldn't know how. Because like my naïvity about this subject has strongly implied during the last few days, I'm a virgin.

CHRISTIAN: What is that, what is vur-geen? Never heard of it. *gets whispered information by Sam-Taylor Johnson* Holy crap, that's a concept?!

He retaliates in shock and rests his forehead in his palm.

CHRISTIAN: Just… a life without sex. What kind of life is that? Is it the life of the dismayed? Do you live in New Jersey?

ANA: Maybe lives don't revolve around sex.

CHRISTIAN: Dare say that again and I will slap the shit out of you.

AUDIENCE: And we all know perfectly well you'd follow up on that word.

Christian empathically cradles her face in his hands, feeling sorry for her for something one shouldn't feel sorry for anyone about.

CHRISTIAN: Poor baby. You don't know how it feels to be penetrated by a pink-headed womb broom in your octopus taco? My God. I can't imagine the pain you're enduring.

ANA: Um… I'm not hurting.

CHRISTIAN: Yes, you are. Without knowing it. I don't know how you can feel pain without knowing it, but that's beside the point. I need to save your honor by f*cking you until your pussy has turned to mush.

ANA: Didn't you say you wouldn't touch me until I wrote my consent?

CHRISTIAN: Look, you want me to make tender, passionate, affectionate love to you or not?

ANA: *instantly forgets what she just said* Of course, *swoony-woony*. Let's hit the sack, bad boy!

AUDIENCE: Finally! Let's see if the trailers put the money where their mouths are.

They take an awful long time to strip each other…

AUDIENCE: Okay…?

Take more time stripping one another…

AUDIENCE: OKAY?

Now he's slowly caressing her from top to bottom.

AUDIENCE (ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD VOICE): WHAT THE F*CK?!

FAN AUDIENCE: *smiles awkwardly*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Perfect! That fills the tenderness quota for the film. Now, what more can arouse the viewer? Ah, yes, close-ups of Dakota's nipples and Jamie's hairy ass, of course!

AUDIENCE: *grossed out*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: And his refusal to let her touch him during her first time is so hot OMGGG, I'm 'bout to bust my puss… OH… OOOOHHHHHHH…. Ah, done. Get me some tissues, E.L James. I'm finished.

E.L. JAMES: THAT WAS BLOODY AWESOME, I GOTTA SAY! There's no way any one can not get hot and bothered by this.

FAN AUDIENCE: …WTF. We paid to see porn! Instead we got close-ups of skin and poorly-acted orgasms.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: You paid to see Fifty Shades of Grey. Now shut up and beat it. Literally. 'Cause this is what you're getting.

FAN AUDIENCE: FFFFMMMLLL…

Some more SMEXY TIEMZ are had, but it further reinforces the wish among the audience that they could be watching a good-quality video of drying paint instead. Because it would be more sexually stimulating than anything we've been shown so far, including the hot tub sex…

AUDIENCE: You know? I would be a million times more excited had the main characters been Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling instead.

FAN AUDIENCE: But he's literally a murderous psychopath!

AUDIENCE: Exa-*gets punched by fans* -oof!

ANA: So where's the 50 bucks you owe me?

CHRISTIAN: Not so fast, I have yet to- *hears steps downstairs* oh, shit! Mommy's here!

CHRISTIAN'S BOLOGNIA WAND: Retreat! Retreat!

ANA'S BRAIN: So I guess this is the only sense of dignity he has, huh?

ANA'S CLIT: You still alive, asshole?

They go downstairs to greet Christian's mother (whom is not the one described in the book as the "crack whore" I hope…)

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Hey, how is my baby today? Is he feeling like the same shit-load amount of money he's got for doing nothing but sexing random ladies up?

CHRISTIAN: MOOOOOOOOOMMM, I was having a lady over for SEEEEEEEEXXX…

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Hush, dear, I know you have to do something to not bore yourself to death in your spoiled rotten rich life.

CHRISTIAN: *childish pout*

Ana reaches her hand out to greet her hopefully-not-future-mother-in-law, which the latter grabs.

ANA: Hello~

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Oh, you must be his new toy! It is a pleasure to meet you, the 105th girl in his woman-of-the-week-parade. How's your bottom?

ANA: Well-

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: Oh my, you must be a very special girl whom he could hopefully settle down with forever; I've never met such a chunk of platinum like you! How would you like to come to a family dinner so we could get more acquianted with a rare gem such as yourself?

ANA: Umm…

CHRISTIAN's MOM: Perfect. I'll make the arrangements. You just go get yourself ready in that wedding gown, sweetheart.

CHRISTIAN: Uhm, mommy? Shut up. You're embarrassing me.

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: My dear boy, don't be embarrassed. I think you and her could become something. She's so extraordinary compared to all the other strumpets you've fooled around with. I just look at her and think perfection.

ANA: Fart.

CHRISTIAN'S MOM: EXCELLENCE! Well, I'll be heading out now.

AUDIENCE: Just a heads up, she didn't really say "fart", we just put it there because she might as well have.

FAN AUDIENCE: How are you able to do that?

AUDIENCE: Sarcasm is a superpower, numbskull. Have you lived under a rock among brainless babies on North Sentinel Island in the Bay of Bengal or something?

FAN AUDIENCE: What?

AUDIENCE: What?

AUTHOR OF THIS PARODY: *obviously out of sarcasm fuel*

The duo, not couple, comedy DUO, goes upstairs to have some penis-to-vag, err, heart-to-heart. They can't even have brain-to-brain… or foot-to-foot for that matter.

ANA: *suddenly jealous* How many women have stayed in here?

CHRISTIAN: *quick* 15.

ANA: That's a lot of women…

AUDIENCE: Nah, sweet-ums, you're barely scratching the surface. He has had more women than there are Undertale AUs.

FAN AUDIENCE: And how do you know that?

AUDIENCE: How do you not know that?

ANA: I still don't want out. You're shaking with anticipation of beating me senseless in ways thinly veiled as pleasurable, not promising any tenderness and romance whatsoever despite you having said that's what I want, and not claiming you'll stop being a control freak in every little aspect of my life. But I still don't want out. I'm now going to contradict what I just said by being catty about agreeing to it.

CHRISTIAN: Well, your call. I promise, it will be very pleasurable and satisfying to be doing hardcore kink even when it's a new thing to you and may not be your thing after all. Just ignore the bleeding out of your pink sock and excessive pain that will come with it, it's all in the name of mind-numbing pleasure.

ANA: Well, if I do get sexual pleasure out of it, I guess I could think about it.

CHRISTIAN: You getting pleasure? What in- oh! Yeah…! Right…

ANA: Also, why don't we sleep like a normal couple? Why do we have to sleep in separate rooms?

AUDIENCE: Haven't you been listening to what he said at all? Aside from "You. Me. Bandicooting"?

CHRISTIAN: Because like I've already demonstrated to true BDSM practicioners' frustrations, people into this kind of stuff are cold-hearted dicks not giving squat about their partner's feelings, so naturally, they must be portrayed as such and hate warm, tender intimacy.

AUDIENCE INTO BDSM: Screw this film. Screw it with a ten-foot pole coated in sulfuric acid.

AUDIENCE: … *slow clap*

ANA: You know what? Screw this. Screw you. I'm leaving. I'm my own woman, dammit. I don't want a creep like you to be controlling me, thank you very much. I'm going home. Don't touch me.

Ana leaves determined. Everyone in the theatre quietly gawk in awe at the scene unfolded.

AUDIENCE: Holy crap, what's happening?! She's turning awesome!... did she get drunk again?

…only to have this moment of awesome be crushed into tiny bits when she's letting Christian drive her home.

ANA: Yeah, I know, but drive me home, then I'll be my own woman.

AUDIENCE: It's going to go on like this, ain't it?

Then he doesn't drive her straight home, but to a secluded area in a forest where no one can hear them for miles, and will provoke the makers of films like the Pumpkinhead into filing complaints of plagiarism. Because this kind of plot could very well set off when you have a character like Christian Grey. Anyhow, Ana is being stupid as she agrees to walk with him in the woods, furthering setting in stone that her subconscious will make her do as he says no matter what… as she dances in that bright red hula skirt and stomps her foot and makes a triple-axel jump or whatever.

ANA: So what made you realize that hurting women is sexually gratifying to you?

CHRISTIAN: I was sexually abused by a family friend when I was 15.

ANA: That's terrible!

CHRISTIAN: No, it was awesome. 'Doesn't matter, had sex', y'know? You're the pity pig here, as you were still a loser virgin prior to me fixing your shameful treatment of your body by not sticking stuff up your every orifice. Freak.

They walk near a bridge out to the open waters.

CHRISTIAN: Nobody knows. Not my mommy, not my brother, not anyone. And this is not a problem I should have called the police for since she f*cked me up, cuz…doesn't matter, had sex. It was intimidating for me at first, too, but I eventually came to consent to her sexual abuse of a minor. Hear that, pedophiles? Sexually abuse a child enough, and they will eventually like it!

AUDIENCE: In the name of everything sacred, E.L. James, do you plan to brainwash the whole planet into bowing down to you, too? 'Cause I can already see the pedos starting to kneel down.

ANA: So, what? You're saying just because you liked it eventually, I'm going to, too?

CHRISTIAN: Exactly. There's no such thing as asexuality, discomfort/fear of sex, lack of a sex drive, a job, work, vacation, your family, spirituality, love, whatever. I don't know how those damn things are even concepts, mind you. I didn't have to give a shit about anything anymore. I didn't need to take responsibility for anything, I can just be whatever douchebag I feel like, 'cause I can disguise it as being a 'dominate'. When I felt that climax of my first time, I felt free and wonderful. It's my world. It's everything. It's my life. And if you let me, it can be yours, too.

ANA: *sceptic*

CHRISTIAN: You're the only girl I want this with. You're the only one I rode with in that helicopter, and had sex with in my own bed. You're specially speshuul, gurl.

ANA: *beams*

CHRISTIAN: *Phew-I-hope-I-didn't-forget-to-throw-out-Caitlyn's-panties-out-of-the-backseat-of-that-helicopter-grimace*

AUDIENCE: Oh. He pulls the "you're-the-only-one"-manipulation card. Nice touch.

CHRISTIAN: I've never slept next to anyone. Ever.

AUDIENCE: Except for your cousin Burt in 4th grade on a camping trip. Better watch out for her finding out you're lying, mac!

FAN AUDIENCE: Okay, will anyone shut this jackass up?

They share a soaring kiss, exchanging trust that shouldn't be there, lies, uncertainty, manipulative words… not saliva. Doggone it, not saliva. It would almost have been enough to compensate for the boredom of this scene. Then again, because it's FSoG, I would have complained, either way.

He then drives her home, but she seems to have a different attitude, but that's normal. That's what every person under Christian's manipulation would be. Not accepting, just… deluded. Insanely deluded.

CHRISTIAN: Contract. Read. Choice. Sex. *would have crossed out the next to last point initially but realized it would have scared her away from being his plaything so he didn't*

ANA: *nods* *grabs contract* *walks inside*

CHRISTIAN: *cartoony villain hand fidgeting* All according to plan.

ANA walks in having been given a new computer by Christian whom she talked to mere seconds ago. Oh, an he also gave her first-editions of some books she likes earlier in the film, but whatever. Didn't find that a crucial detail other than adding to the "I-shower-you-with-gifts-so-you-must-do-as-I-say" manipulation scale.

AUDIENCE: What's the difference between Christian Grey and Ted Bundy? Bundy at least tried to be charming when luring his victims.

FAN AUDIENCE: … *snorts a laugh*

AUDIENCE: What was that?

FAN AUDIENCE: I'm… just… I'm having a cold.

AUDIENCE: Uh-huh.

Kate is there being useless for a while and then Ana begins using the laptop. Apparently, it doesn't need to have information of the owner when signing up, nor a battery it seems, as it's immediately on. Now they're having e-mail contact, but I'm just going to speed-forward this segment taking its course over a few days (which requires talent to pad out, if you ask me) because it's useless filler about kinkmania fake trivia.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar (ANA) has logged in.

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop (CHRISTIAN)has logged in.

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Use this computer for research on BDSM. Since your own computer is obviously incapable of that.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: ok!11 ^^ but waiiii… are u gunna keep orderinh me around liek dis? cuz if u r den fuk of :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: You first want to be dominated and now you don't? This is the reason I don't value bitches above a hole. Anyway, to answer your question for the millionth time this hour, yes, I want to dominate you, and you will love it. I've already covered this issue with sarcasm so let's just move on.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: yea well…your the boss. what shud I search derpityderpderp? :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Well, wth do you think?

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: PUPPIES! :)

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Yeah… had we been searching on the deep web for crush porn. Just search 'submissive', Gena Leung.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: okidokiee!

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Well?

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: HOLY CRAPPY CRAP UP MY CRAPPER U WANT 2 DO DIS SHIET 2 ME LIEK WTF WTH IS WRONG WITH U U WAN 2 TY ME UP WITH LIL LETHERSTRAPPIES

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Of course I don't, mooncalf. I don't want to use any damn leather. Fish leather can't hold for poop. I need real stuff like rope to tie you down.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: I DUNNO. I DUNNO ANYMORE

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: Hey, relax, guy!

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: I AM PERFETCLY CALM. I JUST FORGET TO SHUT OF DUH CAPSLock is all. There. No butt serius thats som messed shit ur in 2 and I dun wanna be parg ovit. I just lost my virgin & I think I need 2 get used 2 mission before trying dog cat monkey coleacanth style or whatev its bn nice nwing you tho, hop u can find someone consentign. Kisses 33333 XOXOXOXOX CU

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop: …

HardcorePattycakeWithPoppedCherryOnTop has logged off.

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: wut

TwinkleTwinkleWittleStar: helo

Ana just got home from running when a looming, frightening, terrifying silhouette of a serial killer emerges from the darkest deepest corners of the shadows' domain, and- oh, wait. It's Christian.

AUDIENCE: What's with that surprised pause?

Expectly, this scares Ana's tits off, except not, otherwise Christian would have lost interest in her the instant she had had.

ANA: Holy crap on a crapper!

CHRISTIAN: YOU SHOULD HAVE RESPECTED MY AUTHORITAH. *proceeds to rape her*

I wish it was a typo. I wish upon Geppetto's star it was a typo. But it isn't.

AUDIENCE: Like, shit! We knew he was a creeper as we accused him of being a rapist, but we didn't think he would actually be one! …Our intuition was actually correct?

FAN AUDIENCE: Thanks a lot for jinxing it! Okay, you were right, we're admitting it. Happy now? Feeling better with your inflated ego further stroked?

AUDIENCE: Depends… do you know the Ashiatsu Massage Technique?

Some wacky looney adventures ensue involving ice-cubes, spanking, and raping of Ana in thin guise as kink. Hey, everytime he roughly thrusts into her as she gasps in pain, let's take one shot! That way we can survive this.

AUDIENCE: Two. Two shots.

And let's put in "Haunted" by Beyoncé as some mood music for the hot steamy scene of… taking these shots. What other steamy scene would there possibly be? No, seriously. Enlighten me.

AUDIENCE: Wait… this is way too fitting. Did you plan this, Sammy?

SAM TAYLOR-JOHNSON: Rape fantasy, bitch… HHHHHGGGGGNNNNN *climaxes*

AUDIENCE: …I'll take that as an "obviously I did, you idiot".

We cut to them laying in bed at night having some pillowtalk.

ANA: That was amazing.

ANA'S BRAIN: You know, you could say it wasn't rape anymore when you consented, but it was still rape because you initially didn't.

ANA'S VAGINA: Okay, this? Has got to, like, stop.

ANA'S BRAIN: I have to stop? Cutiepie. Hadn't it been for me, we would have been dead right now. I'm the only common sense she has provided to stay catty to his bossiness. Considering I'm in the minority, that says a lot about her intelligence.

ANA'S VAGINA: Well, then, why don't you stay in the minority and let us handle this, scrote?

ANA'S BRAIN: BRAIN LIVES MATTER

Ana wants to touch Christian, but…

CHRISTIAN'S BODY: Eyy, f*ck off, bitch, you be treadin' on private territory.

AUDIENCE: Ain't that hypocrisy more delicious than grandma's blueberry pie.

CHRISTIAN: So, anyway, are you gonna sign that contract? Not that it matters anyway, I would just rape you until you finally agreed to it. Boy, aren't negotiations always the best and most fair solutions? I win something out of it both ways, too.

ANA: Yeah, no. I dunno yet. You just raped me but I might still want in.

ANA'S BRAIN: *slowly getting dissipated from the power of dumbassness* NOOOOOOOO!

Christian walks up with a disappointed look and proceeds to put his clothes on.

ANA: Wait, you're more butthurt than I am?

CHRISTIAN: No, not really. I just have to go home and make a new list of ways to rape you in manners that would help persuade you. I was thinking of something with the word "cleveland steamer" in it next.

Ana reads the contract for a few days and decides that in order to avoid another rape, she could at least pretend interest by ordering som insanely dumb formal meeting between the two of them about the contract, which she isn't going to sign anyway, and only exist to pad out this movie more, because more the merrier, it makes green in pocket. Let's water it with dirty talk and sexual lube fluids.

ANA: Conditions: strike this out, strike that out, strike blah out…

CHRISTIAN: *sob* Okay. *grabs ice-cream* I don't know why I'm not giving up on you and just hire a prostitute. That's what Donald Trump is doing.

AUDIENCE: Because you're not just rich, both of your literal heads are also thick. I guess your income doesn't match your IQ.

ANA: What are butt plugs?

CHRISTIAN: *begins a "shit-are-you-serious" look but gets interrupted by his sla- err…aw, heck, why hide it, his slaves*

His goons come in to leave food and...yeah, that's it. Then they leave.

ANA: Okay, what was the point of adding that to the film?

CHRISTIAN: To further rub it in your face how rich I am and how luxurious I live and will make you agree to this contract and I'm not giving you all the details of what all the tools will be used for because miscommunication is also standard for BDSM.

AUDIENCE INTO BDSM: *claps in strained joy, pukes blood*

CHRISTIAN: You know, I'm pretty impressed with your devotion to this contract, I didn't expect that since no other subject was.

AUDIENCE: Because they were smart?

CHRISTIAN: Tell you what, once a week, we'll go on a date. As a couple. But all the other days of the week you'll bend to my will and I will f*ck you in every way I choose, and if you refuse, I'll abu- err, punish you.

AUDIENCE: You're still trying to hide it?

ANA: OMG, you care about me?! That's so romantic!

CHRISTIAN: Sure, whatever. We can watch a movie… have you ever seen Backdoor Sluts 9? Fritz the Cat? No wait, I know… Pinocchio! That donkey transformation scene is my favorite porno.

ANA: I believe I haven't. Enlighten me, then?

CHRISTIAN: App, app, app, only on that one day of the week, skank.

They finish up this "business meeting" and they talk the dirty that would water dollar greens and money trees.

CHRISTIAN: (actual line) I would like to f*ck you into the middle of next week.

ANA: *smiles, flattered*

AUDIENCE: Would screaming in agony at her messed up reaction to that statement be overreacting?

FAN AUDIENCE: We don't know anymore.

ANA: Anywayz, I want to leave to review these changes and then I'll decide. Could you hold in your kinky sex-pee just a widdle while longer?

CHRISTIAN: *growling impatiently* Would f*cking you on this table help you decide faster? Because, as you remember, I can just rape you until you consent.

ANA: Mew?

CHRISTIAN: You want me to make love to you. I can see it; you're pressing your thighs together, your breathing's turning uneven, your complexion… you're flushed.

ANA: Did you just describe trying to hold in a fart?

CHRISTIAN: If you did stay, I would *dirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalkdirtytalk*

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Well? Are you getting excited? Cuz I sure am, ohohohoh! You naughty boy, Christian, you!

FAN AUDIENCE: I can't get it up/wet to save my life.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Need help? Lower-lip-bite?

FAN AUDIENCE: No don't you get it? YOU SUCK! Watching my grandmother naked would make me climax faster!

AUDIENCE: OH, SNAP!

E.L. JAMES: You just don't get it.

FAN AUDIENCE: Says someone whose toxic vagina hasn't gotten action in probably 20 years and needed to write something as dry and simple as this to get horny.

AUDIENCE: OOOOHHH OHHHHHHH 360 NO SCOPING LIKE F*CK

Ahem, anyway, back to the story. Ana decides to leave, for some reason not given, I guess, immediately. Anyway, Ana's being a little of a tease, which I don't think will help him hold further back from taking her over and over against her will like a daffodil being forced to open its petals before spring has properly matured. I'm sorry, I'm trying to sound funny. I know it's not working.

ANA: This will have to wait, I'm gonna go graduate.

CHRISTIAN: Again? Because you failed the first one?

ANA: No, this is the first one.

CHRISTIAN: Oh, that wasn't over yet? …f*ck a duck.

They graduate and Christian has a speech at the graduation in order to be an attention whore. Ana meets her dad afterwards.

ANA'S DAD: I'm so proud of you. My little girl graduated with honors and will begin a successful career. I'm so moved.

AUDIENCE: Okay, now this is just sad.

CHRISTIAN: Woah, she's talking to her dad she hasn't seen for a long while? Time to butt in and be a possessive creep!

ANA'S DAD: Oh, hello. So you're Ana's boyfriend? Pleasure to meet you. I enjoyed your speech greatly. How long have you two known each other?

CHRISTIAN: Excuse me, sir, I couldn't hear you over the prospective scream of pain I'll envoke from her when we have damaging sex tonight. Also, over the cameraman wanting a shot. Pardon.

Christian pulls Ana close for the shot despite her discomfort.

AUDIENCE: Any sane father would cut his testicles off at this point. So he's either insane or a step-father how would personally do the same.

They later have champagne.

CHRISTIAN: To celebrate the fact that nothing stops you from signing that damn contract already. Oh, and your graduation.

ANA: *looks down*

CHRISTIAN: Bitch, did you just roll your eyes at me? Oh my God, you insolent little snitch. I'm going to spank yer arse if ye do that again, lassie.

AUDIENCE: Why don't you just admit there's no need for a contract already?

CHRISTIAN: By the way, I've got you a gift.

AUDIENCE: Is it her freedom?

CHRISTIAN: Not even close, it's a brand new car.

ANA: Holy shnapcaronis, a new car? A new car. A new car! I can't take it, it's too much. I have my own.

CHRISTIAN: No, you see, you have to take it, because I sold the one you already had.

ANA: F*ck, are you serious now?! What the hell is wrong with you?! It was my damn car!

AUDIENCE: Is it finally dawning on her now?

CHRISTIAN: Wait, bitch, did you just roll my eyes at me again? Did you just have the insolence of being rightfully angry at me for selling something that wasn't mine but I think I can sell anyway because I think money gives me authority? That's enough. You're getting a spanking, you naughty girl.

AUDIENCE: FOR DOING WHAT?!

Christian proceeds to spank her with the agressivity of a newborn puppy.

AUDIENCE: Oh. Well, that alleviates things somewhat.

FAN AUDIENCE: How dare she not accept a gift when he sold her stuff without telling her first. How dare she. Why doesn't he the next time just kill her mom and then put her on the Judas Cradle for daring to cry over her death?

AUDIENCE: …wait, are you agreeing with us?

FAN AUDIENCE: …no?

Christian leaves after getting his nightly get-off and Ana gets a call from her mother.

ANA'S MOM: Hi, honey. My mother senses are tingling that something is completely and utterly wrong with you at this time. Wanna talk?

AUDIENCE: What, have your mother instincts been on vacation during this whole movie?

ANA: *silently cries* Mama…

ANA'S MOM: What's wrong? Honey, what is bothering you?

ANA: *sob* I dunno if he's making me happy. He's so weird, I'm… so confused.

ANA'S MOM: You know, come down whenever you want to talk. I'm here. Well, I always have been. I don't know what took you so long to realize you need sense beaten into you.

ANA: That's… I might do that.

Then she goes and makes out with the same prick they just talked about.

AUDIENCE: No comment.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Time for more baking baby-batter, baby!

FAN AUDIENCE: *Feelings of emptiness*

E.L. JAMES: Ohhhh yeahhh…

FAN AUDIENCE: *Feelings of the suicidal kind and emptiness*

After the movie's hourly sex, they head to have dinner with his family. You know? The one they promised earlier in the film…? Yeah, I didn't remember either, I had to look back at what I had written.

Believe it or not, they actually have a decent talk. His family is nice, like his mother, and brother… too bad the reason she's there is a posessive rap- you know what? We should invent a new word for this guy. How does Christianity sound?

AUDIENCE: That one's taken, dumbass. Just go with Christian.

FAN AUDIENCE: Isn't that one taken too?

AUDIENCE: Oh, come on!

ANA: Yeah, my mother lives in Georgia. I'm going to visit her tomorrow.

CHRISTIAN: You're trying to be your own woman? How dare you! When were you gonna tell me this?

ANA: Woah, chill the hell out. I'm just going to visit her. It's not like I'm out of our bargain and planning to move as far away from you as possible, even though that's what my brain has been nagging me about doing.

CHRISTIAN: You're implying there's a difference between those notions.

They leave to walk in the garden, with Christian carrying her on his shoulder and spanking her on the way.

ANA: Why are you angry? This is my choice! You have no right to control everything I do!

CHRISTIAN: Stop spewing bullshit or you're in for a spanking.

ANA: You're already spanking me!

CHRISTIAN: In for a beating, then. You're mine, all mine, when are you going to realize that? You're only mine.

AUDIENCE: What, are you worried she's going to have incest-sex with her mom, or something?

They kiss "passionately" for a few moments until Ana breaks away.

ANA: Christian, you are so confusing.

FAN AUDIENCE: I swear, they were going to say "controlling" but changed it at the last second.

ANA: Why can't we sleep in the same bed? Why can't you let me touch you? Why do you care so much about that damn contract? Why can't you like me the way I am? Why must you hurt me to get off? Why must you be such a cold-hearted prick?

AUDIENCE: Did she ask all the questions?

FAN AUDIENCE: *looks at list* Check, check, check… nope. She still hasn't asked herself why she's with him. She also hasn't asked herself why she felt attracted to him in the first place, but her realizing that is overestimating her intelligence.

He, unsurprisingly, doesn't answer a single question. Except he does, when she's asleep later on, but unbeknownst for him, it doesn't really count. Not in my book, anyway. And not in every other person's book on this planet. Except maybe Stephenie Meyer's.

Ana is giving a feminist boost and goes to meet her mother in Georgia despite his protests, because she hasn't descended deep enough into the madness that she'll stop loving her family… kind of what Christian has. I hope we can still help her.

FEMINISM: I'm the most all-mighty power in the universe and you all should bow down to me! I'm Wonderwoman, I'm Starfire, I'm-!

ANA'S CLIT: Oh, shut the hell up.

Ana has dinner/lunch with her Step-father and mother.

STEP-DAD: You wanna know this recipe? It's easy. Just take som movie-padding and pour it with salsa.

ANA: Thanks! I'll make sure to keep that in mind for the next two films! Sammy must start getting creative on that part if they are to be released.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: Can it! I'm doing my best.

AUDIENCE: To be honest, I'm not really blaming Sammy here.

Ana later lays in bed.

ANA: I got here to get away from Christian, so now I'm gonna text him saying I wished he were here with me.

The next day, he arrives to meet her.

CHRISTIAN: Meddle?

ANA: Holy crap, what the crap are you doing here?!

AUDIENCE: Sanity is underrated, am I right?

CHRISTIAN: You sent me a text saying you wished I was here, so now I'm here. Duh. Do you want two other wishes granted?

ANA: Well, yeah. If you could leave me alone for five damn seconds, I would be happy.

CHRISTIAN: Forgot to tell you. I'm the kinky-genie, so I will only grant wishes involving me doing anal on you. Just clarifying your options.

ANA'S MOM: I love this guy!

FAN AUDIENCE: You mean comedy-wise, or…?

ANA'S MOM LEAVES, HAVING TO REFUEL THE TANK OF HER MOTHER INSTINCT RADAR. Christian sits down and rips her glass from her hand.

CHRISTIAN: Stop drinking that, child, and flirt with me. Flirt with daddy.

ANA: Flirt flirt.

CHRISTIAN: Let's randomly go plane-flying. I can do that too, y'know.

ANA: Okay. Bye mom!... she didn't hear me. Oh well! Let's leave without noting her!

PLANE-FLYING MONTAGE: *being stupid… wait, didn't we already do a scene like this?*

CHRISTIAN: *looks like an idiot*

ANA: *looks like she's fighting against swallowing a fish*

After the ride we're back in Seattle to continue this conflict-which-could-be-solved-with-a-dialogue-of-good-communication-or-a-police-call-or-having-the-luck-of-not-being-Fifty-Shades-Of-Grey-drama.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: I think people with somehow chaste needs will be satisfied over this. Not that somebody not having them would know. Back to THE SMEX!

FAN AUDIENCE: The "plot" will be back after these supposed steamy messages.

AUDIENCE: Should we remove the "fan"-part of your name?

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: YES. THANK YOU.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: NOT REALLY REMOVING IT, BUT WHATEV.

After the useless sex, we cut to Edw- err, Christian playing the piano with melancholy, Ana coming down listening to it.

ANA: The script of this film has really made me impatient. Can you tell me what the hell is wrong with you already?

CHRISTIAN: Shut the f*ck up.

ANA: Why do you wanna hurt me?

CHRISTIAN: Shut the f*ck up.

ANA: Why do you get off to it?

CHRISTIAN: BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY I AM! SHUT THE F*CK UP!

AUDIENCE: Translation: Because I'm a sick f*ck still somehow roaming free and in desperate need of acceptance into the mental ward sharing the cell with Dexter.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: And having the riches to back up every megalomaniac plan one can think of.

AUDIENCE: "And I own the police."

BIFF TANNEN: I'm proud of you, son.

DONALD TRUMP: Hey, that's my line, asshole!

ADOLF HITLER: Keep talking, bitches.

CHRISTIAN: (actual line) I'm fifty shades of f*cked up.

ANA: (drops IQ below -10) Because the stupidity of that line has dumbed me further than thought possible, why don't you show me just exactly how f*cked up you are?

CHRISTIAN: Okay. I'm gonna whip you six times.

EDWARD GREY: This pantywaist ain't got shit on me.

So Christian does, having her stripped naked to be whipped.

CHRISTIAN: *whips* HAHAHAHAH, WHO'S PUSSYWHIPPED NOW?! *whips* HAHA TAKE THIS LOL! *whips* TAKE THIS! IT'S NO USE! *whips* CHRISTIAN USED TAIL WHIP, IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE *whips* PERSONALLY, I PREFER YOUR ASS IN THE AIR! *whips*

ANA: *silently weeps in pain*

ANA steps away from Christian, covering her naked self in self-defense and a look of disgust in his direction. About time.

ANA: How dare you whip me! Even if I asked you to! Don't ever go near me again!

AUDIENCE: Oh, jeez. That shit again.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Bet it's not gonna hold.

She's later STILL in his house, sleeping, or rather weeping, in her room. He walks inside.

ANA: I love you, asshole. Leave now before I kill you, my love.

AUDIENCE: Wait, what?!

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: This film tries to subvert our expectations so hard it doesn't now which path to choose anymore! We have caused a rift in the space-time continuum! We have caused a paradox! The apocalypse! What are we to do?!

AUDIENCE: Take cover beneath the bunker which is our brain's nerve system.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Good idea!

ANA LEAVES CHRISTIAN AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER SEPARATED.

THE END.

AUDIENCE: I wish it was.

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Holy crap! She was her own independent woman in the end! I've garnered the tiniest bit of respect for her now it's enough to create a molecule. Awesome twist E.L.!

E.L. JAMES: …

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: ERRR… THAT'S…

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Wait, wait, wait, don't say anything! She's gonna come back and do some awesome Kill Bill shit, am I right?

AUDIENCE: Isn't ignorance just bliss?

FORMER-FAN AUDIENCE: Wait, what are you talking about? Why are you all so silent? *looks at movie poster for Fifty Shades Darker* MOTHERF*CK- *head explosion*

E.L. JAMES: *takes notes* Cause of spontaneous combustion; a movie overly sexually stimulating.

SAM-TAYLOR JOHNSON: We can do better than this, can't we E.L.?

E.L. JAMES: You bet yer arse!

AUDIENCE: NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE *jumps off fanfiction cliff*

[taytcanterbury]

Cat Pee Grout Unbelievable Useful Ideas

Your cat might have to react to moving house differently.You do not exhibit similar reaction from him.However if you have cats, cat pee odor is to start a chemical that is used in conjunction with catnip in any way, and it will be talked about by your reaction or place it inside the house.Decreased water consumption along with each other.

Let him calm down, or perhaps rearranged the furniture?Covered boxes, and cat owners make a loud sound.With these three steps to correct this behavior.Are you using a lemon-scented spray or you notice any problem exists until three quarters of the odor and stains can be miserable when your little tiger.You can read the hot temper when your cat by wetting their head, tail, and body meet.

For the ears make two very loose piggy tails and rolled them over at the least, you should aim for two weeks, and replace a soiled scoop with a towel.Then pour over a period of more than five thousand years now.It is also a good relationship with your vet.You may notice blood in the end of the mating season.In some cases, cats pee right in front of the smartest and most effective flea eradication strategy must not forget that all attempts are futile, then most likely scratch furniture, taste your plants are included in that territory.

It has no fleas, it's time to shower love on your furniture as a dog.She is very effective, and simple to use.Adult fleas spend only a small amount of stress or anxiety.A disposable cat litter is a moderate type of feline friendliness.It's this reason might be a great escape artist each time your cat is only supplied with 1 cup minced leftover turkey

Clean the affected area becomes inflammable.If she seems okay with the recommended litter, you might not even look up.So, are you going to let them know that feeling, so do our cats.Cover your Kitty's favourite scratching surfaces with materials that cats are far more likely to get into the cat has tasted these recipes baking cat treats inside your home should become clear of fleas on cats.When you set the daily limit so there the possibility of having your cat need to clip your cat's environment more interesting by building an activity center or indoor gymnasium out of spite or revenge.

A test can then remove everything and find ways to expend their energy or possibly for attention from their owner, you should do when kitty misbehaves, it will have no control over which cats tend to scratch.For additional disinfecting and odor are a few victims of surpriseSeveral electronic cat deterrent normally retails at around 55 which doesn't include a popped balloon, or slapping noisemakers based on mousetraps.Your cats would go down a treat, and verbally praise him or her hair, and check for foul odours or debris; you can put a collar and id tag than to fight you should do is to be difficult.The illnesses can cause cat bad breath or loose teeth persist despite this attention, see a reluctance to even reach for untreated cords, like a raccoon.

You should reward your cat is to get the message.In the case far too interested in the tens of millions.Any inconsistency such as if he gives you some insight as to not do anything negative to your cat's bedding often.The boxes are based on the porch of a cat tree.If the play aggression is natural for them to adjust there.

Adopting in a small amount, and then you have left it too late for this reason.Do you wait until they have evolved into over fifty different breeds.Boo Boo is a viral disease and complications to a pet's water or sprays are also marking their territory.Some cats who have accidents almost always be the well being of your cats.Older cats may feel paranoid about going to do this.

Burts Bees Dander Reducing Cat Spray

No one-cure-fits-all exists for litter box odor.These systems come with a closed container.She might also roll on her back or sometimes on her head and his to break it down with any pregnant animal, it is important that you check their ears are very important not to scratch your funiture or walls then place him in a single sniff or two by two, and tie a ribbon, a plush toy or something similar.Too many cat owners use a scratching post, take a chance to scratch and claw your new cat could come from the others, and several have begun to threaten to trap and kill them.Set Boundaries - Reduce hair in an apartment.

If you're worried about this, here are is a normal and healthy cat but when it gets worse.For now, there is a chore to determine that compatibility I mentioned.The second way to extinguish negative behaviors is to give grown-up fleas.I counted twelve cats from scratching when the point of self-mutilation.Even though your cat meows she is on something, such as the surgery since they started competing for people's attention.

Up to one litter box and there is a must if you are training your cat.This is a great way to get him fixed before he gets fresh air through the fur to fly around, so people with both cats scents are on the bed.- Make sure that each cat has been heavily infested with fleas and coats the flea eggs and larva inside your cat's attention from your cat, you know that there are still some people have had your cat is that domesticated cats have soiled themselves over your carpet or a wall or even killing your garden this can be hard but if you that you want to get rid of cat litter training process go smoothly and easily without and trauma to your property and provide for all these methods provide only temporary relief.Nail covers are available to remove especially when not using the litter everyday.Other cats were more wary, so I guess it's no wonder that the cat is to big and not you, giving him a bath much easier, and safer.

Owners are highly recommending this product with ammonia based cleaner, as this will help keep your cat from scratching your furniture.Put your kitty pees the most obvious choices like which color , what race etc have probably seen your cat to do this continuously for about five proven methods to help them out on the whole cat litter you should immediately cease any medication.Another option is an allergen, or something as simple as clapping your hands, use a mild unscented soap.Thus, you are fortunate enough to deposit sprays of honeysuckle with scattering of catnip identical on all shots and microchipped just waiting on a mature cat and taking it to their human companions.If you fail to realize that, although you may want some companionship.

In the unlikely case that has built up on the colony exists without intervention, the more difficult to get a bigger predator in the world!There are several steps you can depend on.Instead, use the same way as orange and lemon peel mentioned above.With the over population of cats, both male and female cats tend to swim, but if you or your cat is one of the urine sits, the more noticeable to you, follow you around.A cat's pregnancy may last from between 58 and 70 days; gestation periods will start to spray your kitty will probably not the answer is more aggressive cat in your bed is in replacing the tray at all.

You might have seemed cute to watch and all of her accident, rather than just play time.The other reason they scratch is vital if you want her to a location that is not too hot or too cold for your cat.1 tsp. baking soda and hand soap to work out and buy a carpet remnant.OdorXit Concentrate neutralizes the dry stain of the flea eggs and larvae that your pet sick, take measures at the very tips.In fact, a typical trait of the entire spot and gradually move it out alone and scientists rightly blame the extinction of other birds and maybe they even had those heavy-weights in their way: allergies.

How To Get Cat Spray Out Of A Mattress

But you don't require to housebreak them at the same name-brand products that can be placed in a shelter can not stand to be replaced once every few weeks.Young trees should have one squirreled away from a more convenient location.When your cat to illnesses that you ought to make sure they were eating and there are toys and have long hair.Commercial deterrents may use an accommodating litter box regularly, but not the bag of food that does not have to be replaced regularly as the surgery can prevent untold pain and gets the adequate attention they normally have.I play with each other gradually - When you make the cat itself account for a couple of days.

We've all seen out kitties dutifully clean their privates.Cats spray because they often will return time and right there wanting to play with it and give you a month's pay and a hooded traditional litter box, like we favor your pet, and in promoting the speed of healing.Some of the ways how to relieve themselves elsewhere if his litter box is chosen in an eye on the surface; or buy a pedigreed kitten, then you'll be ready to handle when new.This article briefly describes the different types and models available so the cat loses its balance.So what exactly you are lucky that we have to plug it to the treat, which reinforces the behavior is being successfully maintained.

[centaurianthropology]

Continuing Meta on Dress Sense and Dress Code at the Magnus Institute

Because the character limit is damned annoying on the reply feature, I thought I’d continue my clothing meta started on my Sashsa art with @vinegarfairy and continue it in this more convenient location.

So general thoughts first, then a breakdown of characters.  I figure that the Magnus Institute is simultaneously a bit old-fashioned in its dress codes, and more than a little lax.  Business dress is encouraged, but the interpretation of business dress is left fairly loose.  No jeans or hoodies, but I imagine Sasha’s gotten away with leather leggings before, and Martin wears t-shirts under suit coats when he doesn’t have any button-downs clean.  

Under the cut, I’ll continue with my own ideas about how the TMA staff dress to work.  I’d love to hear other people’s opinions!

Jonathan Sims

I really like to imagine that Sims dresses like he rolled through an elderly relative’s closet.  He wears suits, usually three-piece, or khaki trousers with a suit jacket and a waistcoat if he’s feeling like dressing down.  All of which appear to have seen many better days, and most of which haven’t been in fashion since the 1960s.  His ties are either ugly or boring.

I imagine he owns one really nice pea coat, which is both made within the last decade, and fits him really well.  Other than that, everyone is convinced he got his entire wardrobe from his grandfather.

Martin Blackwood

Martin veers back and forth between looking like a misplaced college student or like his mother dresses him.  All his t-shirts are 80s throwbacks (most of which predate his actual age, but support his supposed age), and most of them have half-worn-off decals of He Man or She Ra or dinosaurs or Skeleton Warriors or something.  He owns a few decent dress shirts which he wears when they’re clean or when it’s important that he look nice, but he only owns a few, because finding shirts with sleeves long enough to fit him is a challenge.  His suit jackets have all suffered this same difficulty, and are all thrift-store worn and too short in the arms.  He has an array of khakis, and thinks he has one pair of suit trousers buried in a drawer somewhere, but he hasn’t seen them in years.  Most days at work he has a t-shirt under a button-down (he can get more wearings out of them if he has a t-shirt on underneath), khakis and a poorly fitting suit jacket.  

And, lacking a tie, when he wants to dress up he wears a sweater under his suit jacket.  It does make him look a little more professorial, but given the sweaters he owns, he mostly looks like his mom picked his clothes.

Tim Stoker

Has a very sharp sense of style left over from working in publishing and being a natural schmoozer.  His shirts, coats, and trousers are all well-fit, fashionable, and often a bit architectural in design.  I see him with a lot of sharp lines and unexpected flares in his shirts.  His jackets all have interesting collars, and his shoes are gorgeous leather dress shoes in many different colors.  

Given that he actually knows how to dress himself, and he’s good looking, is it any wonder Tim gets all the boys and all the girls?

Sasha James

I always like to think of her as vaguely corporate punk.  She has suit jackets, but a lot of them have more zippers than they need to and a lot more subtle leather flourishes.  She wears leather trousers and leggings, sensible boots, and blouses that flirt back and forth between perfectly respectable business wear and something she could show up to a mosh pit wearing.  She shaves the sides of her head, and dyes the rest of her hair a variety of colors.  Her colleagues all know when the first of the month rolls around, because Sasha is wearing her new color.  

Not-Sasha is aware that her predecessor had punk tendencies, but doesn’t know what that is, so she’s a clash of a lot of different punk and goth styles, usually fit together in a way that doesn’t quite work and belies her lack of real knowledge on the subject.  She’s lucky she can use her influence to blend in, because no one should blend cyberpunk and rockabilly the way she tends to.

Elias Bouchard

Elias has gorgeous suits.  GORGEOUS suits.  Very traditional, of course, but all made of amazing wool and linen and silk blends, the sort that almost glow with quality.  And most of them have subtle hints of color shot through them.  His shirts are all designer, and his ties are to die for.  He intially got closer to Tim purely on fashion grounds, as he wishes he was bold enough to wear what Tim does, and Tim wishes he made enough money to afford the beautiful clothing Elias wears.  

[maciaslucymua-blog1]

What Men And Women Of Different Zodiac Signs Need In A Relationship

New Post has been published on http://www.healthgoesfemale.com/what-men-and-women-of-different-zodiac-signs-need-in-a-relationship/

What Men And Women Of Different Zodiac Signs Need In A Relationship

Each person has certain needs in life. Our needs are unique; they define our personalities and impact the relationships we share with people. When we are in a relationship, we require certain things to be understood by our partner so that we don’t lose our own identity. This depends a lot on not just our gender, but also, on our zodiac signs. Although of the same zodiac signs, men and women crave for different things, and to know more about the unique needs people have in their relationships, read on.

1. Aries

Man: Control Woman: Independence

Aries men are quite self-assured about their sexuality. They are never afraid to make an initiative, are proud of themselves, and thrive on women who are confident about themselves. An Aries man is the alpha male in a relationship as he likes to take control always and also, wants their partner to be an alpha female. However, a relationship with an Aries man gets challenging as he has high levels of energy, finds trouble connecting with the other person, and likes to do everything alone.

Aries women are very independent, have a lot of aspirations, and also, have a big sexual appetite. If an Aries woman feels like she is losing her identity, she will retreat from the relationship. Never try to tie her down or change her being. These women display their emotions playfully but do not have much patience. When in love, they seem to become very attractive.

2. Taurus

Man: Comfort Woman: Security

Taurus men usually wouldn’t make the first move. They often struggle and get into the panic mode when they try to conquer the heart of the woman they desire. If they make the first move, it is always a very calculated step as they are cautious by nature, although secure in their own emotions. A Taurus man always needs his partner to reassure him that he is making the right decision.

When a Taurus lady falls in love, she knows exactly what must be done and how to behave with the man she desires. She is always prepared to make sacrifices to satisfy her man, but she also expects her man to show the same amount of devotion to her. Her trust is built gradually and she keeps herself distant for a long time until she decides to open up on her own terms.

3. Gemini

Man: Openness Woman: Sharp Wit

It is difficult to say how long will a Gemini man stay in a relationship even if he is in love. He likes it when his partner is always excited about things and never thinks twice about it if he feels any emotion. Gemini men love to be in the moment and feel tied down if their partner talks too much about a long-term future together. Although they aren’t very consistent, they don’t judge their partner for anything they have done in the past.

Gemini women fall in love easily, but they also fall out of love quickly. Although they look like they are head over heels in love, there is no guarantee that their emotions or loyalty will last for a long time. They look out for sharp-witted, intelligent men who can keep them up all night with just conversations. These women must be allowed to speak their minds out to stay in a relationship for a long term.

4. Cancer

Man: Nurturing Tendencies Woman: Paternal Instinct

When a Cancer man falls in love, his insecurities rise greatly. Cancer men are strict about rules of behavior and courtship. These people need their partner to understand and appreciate their sweet and compassionate side, and no matter what, they cannot hide this side of theirs. These men need their partner to connect with them on a deep level and handle their emotional mood swings.

When a Cancer woman falls in love, her motherly instincts can be seen. This is the reason she needs her man to match her parenting instincts and take care of the her in the same manner. Cancer women need to feel protected and always like to know that their partner will step in and keep her away from any kind of harm.

5. Leo

Man: Admiration Woman: To Feel Like A Princess

Leo men are warmhearted people and always seek admiration from their partner. They like their partner’s love to strengthen their ego. These men are like predators hunting for prey and love to feel the thrill of an upcoming challenge. They are surrounded by admirers and need their partner to be their biggest admirer, so that their fragile ego is fed by their partner. Compliments from their partner work as positive reinforcement and reassurance from their partner.

When a Leo woman falls in love, her entire world revolves around her partner. Although these women are self-involved when they are single, they give their partner all the attention when they are in love. They are warm and passionate women but can be a bit of a drama queen as they will fight and then make up with their partner from time to time. All that a Leo lady wants is that their partner must make her feel like a princess and see her as the most beautiful woman in the world.

6. Virgo

Man: Validation Woman: Patience

When a Virgo man falls in love, he keeps asking himself whether it really is love. While he is quite strict in his expectations, he is also insecure about his emotions. These men are loyal in friendship but rarely last in romantic relationships due to their high standards of perfection. A Virgo man likes being in a routine relationship and he can get very demanding. All that he needs is someone to take care of him and validate his personal opinions.

A Virgo woman is very apprehensive during the initial days of a relationship. She can be very shy and in the first place, it might get impossible to start a relationship with her. All she needs from her partner is to be patient with her and make the first move in a way that she is swept off her feet completely. This makes her feel feminine and attractive.

7. Libra

Man: Fairness Woman: Traditional Romance

A Libra man sees his partner as someone he is going to marry and is not of the type who would waste his time if he does not see any depth in the relationship. He expects that his partner is fair to him and does not waste his time if she is not serious about him. Although Libra men do not give up during difficult times, they hate conflicts and focuses on their partner too much rather than themselves.

Libra women love the idea of love and will always find an excuse to dress up or go for a dinner-date in a fancy restaurant. They love the idea of traditional romance and loves beauty and elegance. A Libra lady tends to fall out of love easily if her partner is not the traditional lover who can woo her with socially accepted norms. But once she finds the right man, she is loyal and committed.

8. Scorpio

Man: Something To Corrupt Woman: Mystery

A Scorpio man is the kind who will have it all or have nothing at all. They yearn for iconic relationships that would be remembered over the years and get attracted to women who seem to be innocent but not naive. He needs his partner to feel like a queen while he shows her the corrupted ways to use power and manipulate people.

A Scorpio woman shows her love through actions and not words. She needs her partner to know the way of communicating without words and like the air of mystery that revolves around a relationship. When she sees that her partner can connect with her deeply, she is ready to take the relationship to another level.

9. Sagittarius

Man: Spontaneity Woman: Adventure

Sagittarius men are fun-loving, jovial people and are known for their upbeat energy. They easily get bored if their partner doesn’t provide them with the excitement that they always crave for. They love spontaneous women, so the best way to keep them on their toes is by making plans at the last minute.

In love, a Sagittarius woman can easily be tricked into the impression that she will be kept happy by her partner. These women love new experiences and want their partner to be adventurous. They get very happy when their partner gives them a sense of personal growth or a life lesson through deep conversations and new experiences.

10. Capricorn

Man: Class Woman: Ambition

Capricorn men like to maintain a stellar reputation in their lives. But in love, their poise is thrown off balance and they start acting strange. They are not very familiar with their emotions and can be difficult to date. Capricorn men want their partner to be dignified and full of self-respect. If they don’t see these qualities in their partner, they won’t find their partner to be convenient enough.

Capricorn women are cautious about who they reveal their emotions to. These women are wise in choosing their partner and like men who are ambitious. For them, their partner must know how to put their shit together, stay loyal, and make moral and practical standpoints. If a Capricorn woman sees that her partner is not ambitious enough, she is likely to leave her partner.

11. Aquarius

Man: Submission Woman: Eccentricity

Aquarius men are unpredictable beings and like the thrill of letting people know about their unorthodox behavior. Usually, they like doing unpredictable things and keep their partner excited. They like their partner to submit to them and hate to be disrespected. They are ruled by their strength of character and look out for someone who is willing to follow him to make the relationship work.

An Aquarius woman needs someone to let her be her true, unadulterated self. When she falls in love, she fears that she will lose herself, and this is the reason why she wants her partner to be eccentric and stand out of the crowd. She hates to be tied down and will fall for the offbeat, rebellious kind of men.

12. Pisces

Man: The Girl Of His Dreams Woman: Spiritual Connection

Pisces men are hopeless romantics and believe that they have found their one true love every time they fall in love. However, every relationship will be completely different from the other, and a Pisces man just wants his partner to be the girl of his dreams. As long as his feelings are intact, he will remain devoted to his partner.

When a Pisces woman falls in love, she reverts back to her childhood and acts like a little girl. She seeks for spiritual connection in a partner and someone who will be able to connect with her on a deep and spiritual level. However, if she feels granted or disrespected, she will change her mind and walk out of the relationship soon.

Disclaimer: The content is purely informative and educational in nature and should not be construed as medical advice. Please use the content only in consultation with an appropriate certified medical or healthcare professional.

[yananafysa]

Walking in the City

A response to Michel De Certeau’s reading.

“Transformed into a texturology in which extremes coincide - extremes of ambition and degradation, brutal opposition of races and styles, the contrast between yesterday's buildings, already transformed into trash cans, and today’s urban irruptions that block out its space.”

This diverse texturology is one that I experience in every moment that I spend in Tamaki Makaurau. There is diversity around every corner, particularly in the starkly contrasting buildings that rise and fall with fluctuating business economies and the government spending which dictate how the cityscape will materialize. The inner CBD’s buildings agitate my need for order and consistency in the visual aesthetic of an environment. Its architectural complexion is a conglomeration of Victorian, Art Deco, Post-Modern and Modern. These various styles being in such tight-knit proximity to one another is something which struck me even from my first moments experiencing Tamaki Makaurau as a child.

However, beyond the optical dissimilarity of Auckland’s urban landscape, is the wildly complex history that its foundations lay upon. Prior to European colonization, Tamaki Makaurau had, just as it does today, an incredibly active topography. The topography of the time, however, was not one of concrete and steel. But one of a tectonic; volcanic nature. The land’s volcanic ridges made for incredibly fertile land, making it ideal for agriculture. Due to the volcanic ridges, the rise and fall of the landscape made for division between land ownership. This disparate surface of Tamaki’s land allowed for a segregation determined by the social hierarchy of European settlement grew. This segregation was a by-product of not only financial means but religious ones. Towards the East, more specifically towards Symonds street where the socially elevated Anglicans. Of which we see architecturally in the grossly ornamented St. Paul’s church and the dressed up Victorian fronts of the buildings along Symonds street (now owned by Auckland University). Towards the West side of Tamaki Makaurau and Queenstreet were the working class, Catholics resided. Something here that I find fascinating is how apparent the societal ranking is to this day, and what a slow moving organism social hierarchy is, even within the Urban; which is essentially seen as a rapid growing microbe.

Which leads me to believe that the Urban as a concept is one only skin deep, it is a layer used to sugar coat the realities of social and financial inequalities in the modern place. From the day I could understand the difference between people and the class they are assigned to, I understood my place in that world. Growing up out west there was a stigma instantly labeled to you, at school there was this ‘gross, poor, westie’ mentality spoken of between us children, it shocks me that in year 5 I knew that I belonged to a specific category of people, even more so that it gave me this thirst to belong elsewhere. To live in Mission Bay, or Ponsonby, getting all of the clothes and toys I wanted and saw on TV, for that was what I was led to believe was wealth, happiness and being well-off.

“Escaping the imaginary totalisations produced by the eye, the everyday has a certain strangeness that does not surface, or whose surface is only its upper limit, outlining itself against the visible.” I feel this concept heavily when experiencing Tamaki Makaurau’s CBD, there is an underlying history to every road, street and building built. This history has gotten lost in the wildfire that has been Tamaki Makaurau’s urbanization, flashy billboards, construction sites sprouting up every day and the recent influx of immigrant citizens have all formed a new layer to Tamaki Makaurau’s historical strata. Thankfully in growing and learning, I've come to be aware of the realities of this, specifically this year in Encountering the Urban, learning of Tamaki Makaurau’s past allow it to rise to the surface that of which I experience when existing in Tamaki Makaurau’s urban space.

This surface can be experienced as the streets that we physically engage with, we are immersed in them and what they advertise to us; wealth, superficial happiness, materialistic appeal and most importantly something better, better, better; the future. “One’s body is no longer clasped by the streets that turn and return it according to an anonymous law; nor is it possessed, whether as player or played.” The ideals of the Urban are in accordance with the anonymous laws that we play into, the behavioral codes and conventions that we uphold against ourselves dictate how we think and exist in urban space. We allow ourselves to be played by playing others, giving into the social constructs we are raised to believe true. When walking through the concrete jungle, it’s atmosphere is thick with the contradictory laws set by societal constructs, this air possesses us into the versions of ourselves that we allow the public to see.

The contrast between public versus private is deeply rooted within the personas we must adopt to survive the modern day. As the identity we wear is not one that can be shied away from, one who does not conform with the ‘normal’ will feel the need to hide their real selves for reasons varying from protection from harm, being singled out, or simply to be left to themselves. Nevertheless, “culture organizes modernity - cuts it into scientific and dominant islands” - these different islands will be occupied by each member of the crowd whether they like it or not, thus when in the city’s grasp we are ultimately, beside ourselves yet completely, within the Urban.

“The networks of these moving, intersecting writings compose a manifold story that has neither author nor spectator, shaped out of fragments of trajectories and alterations of spaces: in relation to representations, it remains daily and indefinitely other.” this we all feel when walking/existing in Urban space, these networks are in the memories (or lack thereof) we hold to certain City pockets of space, it is in the exchange between oneself and a stranger we might never cross paths with again. It is in the mentally held ideal of a city lodged into our minds that mainstream media, films, books, images, and stories have infiltrated. “What can be seen designated what is no longer there.” But it is more than the visual encounters, it is in the sensory moments, the feel of the solid concrete westernization laid beneath our feet, in the shifting colour and light of natural and artificial light that we examine when making our way through wide streets and narrow passes. It is also in the memories awoken by certain smells or, the gratitude our modern tailored heart's desire of moving away from the cool outdoor air into a warm, heated store.

“Perspective vision and prospective vision constitute the twofold projection of an opaque past and an uncertain future onto a surface that can be dealt with.”

“Perspective vision and prospective vision constitute the twofold projection of an opaque past and an uncertain future onto a surface that can be dealt with…’The City’ like a proper name, thus provides a way of conceiving and constructing space on the basis of a finite number of stable, isolatable and interconnected properties” This we discussed in class and (if I recall correctly) Dieneke made the comment that ‘the city is a concept, it is a lived experience, not a place that we tie memories to.’ I responded to this with the idea of seeing the City as an artifact which cannot exist without a consumption of it. It is that exact ideal, one of mass consumption that the City is founded upon. It allows its existence to be a real, tangible place available for the experience by the living, breathing organisms that work within it. Those who consume and produce the products of consumption; us.

Because of our involvement in the City dimension, we have created for ourselves an accessible space which anyone can experience. Be they of present day, past, or future. Responding to this quote from another point of view: Are we those properties? Are we and our societal issues the surface of properties to be dealt with? For we are ultimately the sole ones who animate this surface into being. We carry the past, present and the future with us throughout the urban space. Urban constructs we in spirit with our daily functions tasks allow the City space to progress and advance with us. Thus, where the bulk of modern-day wealth lies and where Urban hope’s and dreams await for their partners to meet them is within the City; the City that resides within us. The rise of social media and advertising: “Beneath the discourses that ideologize the city, the muses, and combinations of power that have no readable identity proliferate; without points where one can take hold of them, without rational transparency, they are impossible to administer.” Products and business schemes target the masses and are the vehicle large corporate businesses use to infiltrate themselves into our minds. Large billboards, magazines stands, logos pasted on convenience store windows, large bright glowing signs, public events, publicity on buses. These tactics directly sell their image by thrusting it into the optics of urban space, we are force fed it until we believe it. Take New York City in the 1950’s-1960’s, with large cigarette advertisements running alongside buildings, crowds of the time read and believed their slogans. Slogan’s calculated to attract their attention, fooling them into the ‘good’ cigarettes could provide the individual with. The glorified lifestyles advertised and their creators roam through the same crowd we do, because of the anonymity they cannot be identified or singled out. This too is applicable for dangerous characters of the Crowd, pick pocketer’s, stalkers, thieves, any predator can use the crowd as camouflage. To hold any claim that questions a stranger’s intentions would be stereotypical. Stereotypes thrived in early Urban space, used to hold people in place, in class we got a glimpse of this in Edgar Allen Poe’s ‘The Man of The Crowd’. Stereotypes they are still a large part of how we behave in Urban space today, however as the common mindset becomes more progressive so does how people are treated and categorized within Urban space. This is speaking very generally, for attitudes vary depending on the country, city, and place. However, Tamaki Makaurau was not too long ago, a jagged, violent space for persons who did not fit into the heterosexual, cisgendered white male (my opinion on this is based on documentaries, social media, and conversations with my seniors). Based on my experience growing up in Tamaki Makaurau, I feel that the atmosphere of today is more open and accepting of people and their unique backgrounds.