#“whats wrong with you” great question i'm insane. and tired. god i'm tired.

[poplohours]

feeling annoyed by fandom again so i just want to think about the agony of narcissistic abuse in AA4 and how all the fathers/older figures (yes including nick) ultimately show negative behaviors that have harmed the younger person they have cared for or mentored lol. i think i remember someone getting really mad about me mentioning covert incest in the context of AA4, but Boy what the fuck is the point of media if you don't talk about what's difficult in life, if you don't find vectors to seriously discuss complex relationships between adults and children, fathers and daughters (nick and trucy).

When I say 'covert incest', I don't mean hidden incest in the literal term, but rather emotional incest. Emotional incest is a really meaningful term, even if people despise having to look at the word incest, because the issue of emotional abuse wherein parents overly depend on their own children is not something many people are able to broadly conceptualize! It isn't something that is usually done in a malicious way, either -- many parents who do that are frequently themselves struggling with trauma, lack of direction, insecurities, and other struggles. However, the issue therein is they depend on a child for support rather than an adult of their own age or social position. This often coincides with a condition that we do call Parentification -- something I think is more well-known as a term, as it is when a child is forced to grow up too quickly as extreme responsibilities beyond their years are placed upon them.

I realize it may seen strange or extreme for me to discuss this in the context of such a silly series as Ace Attorney, but it is an issue that frequently appears in the game. Mia is left to be a parent figure to Maya before leaving to become an attorney, leaving Maya primarily in the care of their aunt who loathes them both. Maya ends up being a major caretaker of Pearl, despite herself still being a teenager, after Morgan is imprisoned. Maya ends up managing many office affairs on behalf of Nick because while he is an adult with a law degree, he simply accepts her help and aid rather than actually engaging with her as the child she is (something he will frequently do through the series). Kristoph appears to have somewhat of a parental relationship with Klavier (though I recognize this is up for debate and open to interpretation), actively gaslighting and undermining him in a court of law as well as using Klavier's teenage desire to feel equal to his older brother for his own benefit years prior.

I could very likely go on in this matter, but I do think that these issues are most encapsulated by Nick and Trucy. You could also engage with this at the level of Drew and Vera, Lamiroir and Machi, Klav and Kristoph (as previously noted), and Zak and Trucy.

However, while all of those are relevant, Drew wants to protect his daughter despite his failures in depending on her, even if it means the two of them completely shutting themselves off from the world. While Lamiroir is travelling with a 14 year old that she is utilizing as her primary music partner before essentially ending her parental relationship after Machi is imprisoned. Zak does still act as a father to Trucy in the midst of being actively blackmailed by Magnifi -- while it is unreasonable that Trucy has to perform as an eight year old, she is also the granddaughter of Magnifi and (from Magnifi's perspective) the one left to inherit the Gramarye name. Zak's situation has a deeply complicated nature because Magnifi is playing a part in Trucy being a performer -- this is one of the reasons why I don't read Zak's influence as 'parentification' in the same way, even though I do think he and Magnifi did ultimately groom Trucy to be too accepting of this role from a young age.

That brings me to Nick. I do believe it is easy to play off many of the lines that come up. Trucy "takes charge" of the situation, saying that she can take care of Nick even if he doesn't have a job anymore. She's already done shows and is prepared. However, we already know from the future that Nick did take her up on this. She calls herself his 'sugar daddy'. Again, this can be taken as a joke. But Trucy does regular shows at the Wonder Bar advertising her 'Magic Panties', which comes up frequently as something that makes Apollo actively uncomfortable. It is, of course, another 'joke', but the fact that the game does lean so much into Apollo being uncomfortable about Trucy's 'panties' frankly speaks to me as Shu Takumi failing to recognize the discomforting implications of his supposed gag.

Especially when you do have to find an adult woman's actual underwear.

I'm sure people would call me insane for this, but Trucy's Magic Panties show reads to me as a light form of sex work. That's how her show is "sold" and "advertised". The funny joke is that it isn't at all what people would expect -- the funny joke is that people expect it to be the underwear of a 15 year old girl that they are willingly coming to see. "It's a joke", someone would gladly tell me, "Don't read into it so much." And yet this is the kind of thing that matters to me. The implications of this matter and the fact that Apollo is the one sane person in the room who says, "What the hell, don't talk about this, she's a kid" stick in my brain and vibrate with such aggressive intensity that I do feel insane. It feels like horror. It feels like tragedy.

There are so many lines that come up about Trucy and Nick's relationship which border this sense of Nick's unhealthy dependency on her.

Apollo: So you're his, er... you're Phoenix Wright's daughter? Trucy: That's right! After Daddy quit law seven years ago... ...I promised I would keep him fed! So I'm kind of his sugar daddy! Get it? Apollo: No. Trucy: I'm in charge of this whole office, too. Pretty amazing for a young lass of fifteen, wouldn't you agree!?

This early exchange from 4-2 immediately presents Nick and Trucy's relationship as one that centers Trucy's caretaking for her father and the office. It is a talent agency where she is the only one good at her "actual talent" (though she is careful not to mention her father's Poker job), it is an agency where she is meeting new people by herself, it is an agency where a 15 year old girl is managing the office at 9:00 AM rather than being at school. "Well, that doesn't matter, because Takumi didn't intend for it to be like that." What is the point of engaging with a piece of media if we cannot consider the serious implications of that which an author (especially one as misogynistic as Takumi) failed to consider?

Apollo: Mr. Wright's bed... It's really messy. Trucy: Look how messy this is! You're just hopeless without me, aren't you, Daddy? Apollo: (Yikes! She's attempting to clean up! Look out!) Phoenix: Ah ha ha. You got me. What can I say? I was raised in a barn. Try not to let word get out, Apollo. If you don't mind.

There are several bits at the hospital that broadly feel improper for a child and a parent -- again, I know someone could say to me, "This is part of the act that Trucy and Nick are putting together to hook Apollo into working for them." The problem is, these things are already rooted in the very moment that Nick took in Trucy. "You're just hopeless without me" alongside 8 year old Trucy saying, "I'll take care of you" speaks to that exact idea of emotional incest of which their interactions remind me.

Phoenix: Yeah... That's the problem with such a tight operation. It's a symbiotic relationship. When one of us falls, the other, too, must fall... Apollo: Hey! This isn't exactly a suitable conversation to be having with a 15 year old kid!

"It's a symbiotic relationship." This is one of the lines I always come back to when thinking about the issue of emotional incest. There's one aspect here wherein Trucy has taken on a maternal role for Nick. However, there's another aspect in the inappropriate way that Nick refers to their relationship. There is no such thing as a 'symbiotic' relationship to this context -- he's talking about dependency. At this point in time, Nick is aware that Apollo is Trucy's brother. Due to that, he would also know that Apollo grew up as an orphan. When Apollo pushes back, it feels like Nick wants to play into that potential for insecurity. There's a double-pronged horror to me within this, using the potential well-being of an adopted teenager against a young adult man who himself was never adopted.

Phoenix: Sometimes when magicians vanish, they leave something behind... That's how Trucy became Trucy Wright... my daughter. To be honest, I was pretty lost those first few days. Thinking back on it, it was a pretty dark time in my life. But Trucy... happy, smiling Trucy... she was my light.

"She was my light."

There's a way within emotional incest that a parent or adult figure will frame their child in the lens of a relationship inappropriate for their status. Oftentimes, this is akin to a 'romantic' projection, but it can have similar ranges within the idea of placing a child upon a pedestal as a savior. I recognize that a parent could say this without meaning for it to be an unhealthy projection, but this is inherently dehumanizing. I find it further frustrating because Nick also frames himself as the "one person who understands how she really feels". He knows that she's forcing a smile and hiding her true feelings, but he still engages with her ability to hide her own heart as a thread to hang on. Is that love? Yes, of a sort.

But Nick's love is self-serving. It is one that expresses need rather than external concern. His own feelings and goals come before her safety and well-being. He leaves Trucy on her own, he knows the very core of her magic panties act, he actively allows her to manage the agency, he assigns a greater responsibility than anyone should to a 15 year old, and effectively replaces her with Athena once the option arrives. Nick wanted to "restore" his reputation -- at least, that is one of the major assumptions made by fandom -- and so he did. He no longer needs her in the same way because it can now be a law agency again, he has the respect he wanted, and ultimately her "reward" is being relegated to the side. The people he wanted to have back in his life have returned. That isolation he once felt that led to his complete dependence on her has disappeared, but that means she no longer has the same use she once had. Enmeshment, emotional manipulation, the covert nature of it all -- it is a tragedy and it is one I find compelling as she jumps into the deep-end as she tries to take on the Gramarye name once again. As her father goes his own way and the Wright Anything Agency is subsumed by him.

[yuseirra]

I've never tried actively predicting about a series as much as I do for onk before. I just accept what they give me

But I've got so many things right that it's actually pretty interesting. The problem is that the intents are still ambiguous, but point still stands. I got all of what the character's ACTUALLY done. Then does that mean I can believe in myself? I did great from all the information I had (I make analyses solely based on my own deductive reasoning. I like it best when there's just me and the work) and this work is still making me doubt myself.. WHY...

Oh, goodness. I get worried so easily. Even while it's been stated that I've been right, the work still has me questioning and shook. That's really clever of the author, but this is getting really tiring with every single chapter leaving on an edge. It's a really tiring piece.

On the bright side, I think interpreting this work has made me realize what kind of person I am too!// I think I want to believe in people till the very end, that they have good intent and mean no harm till it gets proven false. I'm really good at finding what can be pointed as the good sides and attributes of people. If you're with me, I feel I won't find you guilty or find you problematic till the very end. Innocent until proven guilty. I do have a VERY strong sense of morality though. The moment I find something unforgivable and wrong, I would still be stern about it. If the dad turns out to be so(I don't think he will be, guys.) Then I won't forgive him. I'm all ready to grab him by the collar and spank him and dunk him in seawater if he's like that, I'm not in this without that sort of vow. What an intriguing series!! Kind of don't want gods to be responsible for manipulating and driving people to insanity and being the reason for every bad things that's happened. It's just better story if the guy is someone that's horribly misunderstood.

I don't think I'm being so naive, hm... I never took myself as the optimistic type, but maybe I am when it comes to people. Hope this attitude of mine extends to the people I meet in real life too. I can say for a fact that I'm really good at finding good things about them. That doesn't exactly mean I get tricked so easily though!

Really hope my positive outlooks pay off in the end. If I can't believe myself, I believe Ai. She's right. She may seem like she's flawed and isn't, but I studied her character a lot. The most of of every character in the series(there's still a lot of pieces of her that needs to be filled in for me to form a better picture, but I say like 60~80%) and she's.. The most important character in this series in terms of being the key person. She's the one you need to follow if you want to get a grasp of the heart of this story. I trust her takes on things regarding the plot of this manga more than anything~

[impishtubist]

I love seeing your HP posts because I have literally no idea what goes on in that fandom. All I know is I read the books years ago. So every time I see you talk about Sirius all I can think of is “I like your funny words magic man!” It’s great.

I do have a question as an outsider though because I’ve seen this happen a fair bit with media that had their main story end years ago: Do you think some of the fandom is quite detached from the books and is more fanon than canon?

LMAO I apologize for all the Sirius content, I really thought I would be a strictly Good Omens blog by now, but unfortunately people just keep being wrong about him on the Internet and I can't let that stand.

Yes, 10000%, absolutely, and that is the whole entire problem! Part of the issue is (I have learned recently) that a lot of the new fans have not read the books at all, which is absolutely insane to me. They get their characterizations strictly from fanfic or TikTok, or maybe the movies if we're lucky. Which then means that they're not writing the canon characters, but fanon based on fanon. They're basically writing OCs at that point, and those OCs take over and become the dominant characterization that you see in every god damn fic and piece of art. It's so annoying.

The other issue is that fandom in recent years has largely moved to Discord servers, which are not public and are invite only. This leads to them becoming echo chambers where everyone develops the same characterization for a character and then that also dominates every single fic. And if you dare write something that's not that characterization, well, watch out. (I have had this discussion with people in other fandoms, like MASH and Queen's Thief, and they're seeing the same thing happen in their fandoms).

So, in conclusion: yes, the HP fandom is detached from the books, and the characterization of the characters in fics these days has little to do with canon. That is fun for some people! But I'm tired of reading about OC Remus and OC Sirius in fics and I want, like, actual Sirius to come back lmao.

[pom0dorini]

people in this fandom need to learn the difference between fiction and reality.

lately a big amount of people have gotten into hetalia, and while that's always great, i can't help but notice that most of them are very young teens on tiktok. mind you there's nothing wrong with that, but the fandom has been getting more and more sanitized over the years. it's insane how many people have started complaining about ships that have been a thing since the very start just because everything must be seen as "problematic".

have we watched/read the same anime/manga? i know that with world stars (especially the recent chapters) hetalia has become a lot more tame than it used to be, but you can't just ignore everything that came before that. there's so much stuff that those people would deem absolutely sinful and problematic, so my question is: why are you in the hetalia fandom? seriously, hetalia has always been involved with discourse and most people are extremely critical of it, it's really not content i could ever see puritans being interested in without them having constant heart attacks.

to everyone that complains about the "gross and icky" content: block the tags! block people! stay in circles of people that share your same opinions! i promise no one is forcing you to look at it. fandoms are a creative place, people are gonna have different opinions/views/ships from yours and that's ok. there is no reason to shame others for what they enjoy in fiction because, IT'S FICTION. we're talking about fake personifications of countries, lines on a screen, DRAWINGS. they're not real beings and they're 100% not affected by people on the internet shipping them with other characters. your personal tastes don't give you the right to harass and judge people because they enjoy "problematic" content. that's such a childish way of thinking, just mind your own business instead of whining on tumblr about evil gross ships of fictional characters. your opinions aren't objectively correct just because they're yours (shocking i know), you can think and say what you want but that's not gonna stop people from enjoying themselves.

fandom spaces are so much more enjoyable once you learn to avoid the content you dislike, tumblr has a filtering and blocking system (admittedly not the best, but you can still avoid stuff) so use it! learn how to curate your online experience!

this rant was just to say that i'm so tired of people in the hetalia fandom spewing this puritanical bs and being sour over things that have existed since hetalia started. just shut up and leave others be for the love of god.

[nayruwu]

I feel same way about ons as you :') I got into it because of gureshin it's been long since I already lost interest alas. I was wondering what do you think of characters like guren shinoa mika & krul? I really liked them back then but now I'm really disappointed with how author wrote them since past few years & weirdly fandom still tries to act as if nothing wrong with them but "people didn't read correctly"

hello!! :D

i'm sorry that so many others seem to be suffering the same way i am, but it's also a little reassuring. at least we're not alone in our misery.

and i think answering your question will be quite fun!

well guren, obviously i love guren. he's so sad and pathetic and tired and broken he's like a wet cat. the way he loves, the way he does terrible things and hates himself for it but does it anyway because he knows he has no other choice, it's so intriguing and painful. i love it. there's aspects that bother me when reading the novels, like when i cannot for the life of me grasp why he is doing what he's doing, or when he's being an arrogant asshole. but then i read the paragraphs my friends have written about him and love him with my whole heart again. i think they called it blorbo-in-law, that fits it quite well.

but i feel like i need to mention, i totally get why people got so mad with him recently. the way it was handled with the kids just immediately forgiving him again after one word was just... not good. i wasn't kidding when i said i wanted him to be more evil. it was a lot more exciting when him and mahiru first started that "let's betray everyone" stizzle and we weren't sure if he was actually going to harm anyone. it was serious, oh the suspense! now he's just our friend guren again. let him go batshit insane. please. he's not a saint, and he doesn't need to be.

at this point the only one i can trust to truly judge and be mad at him for more than half a panel is shinya. and that's a little odd. also he's currently in eeby deeby.

ohh shinoa! i used to like her a lot. it's only natural, i guess, since she is so similar to shinya. i always thought her to be a less extreme version of him - shinoa was also trained to be numb and hide herself behind jokes and smiles, but she seems to retain more of her emotions than he does. she's scared of dying, she's not much of a killing machine, and she is very much capable of developing actual romantic feelings for someone. wow, shinoa!

now, the problem is the toxic view of love that mahiru drilled into her head, and how the story will adress that, if at all. i don't mind her crush on yuu, it's her proof of not being dead inside or worthless or meant to be alone. but the way she acts on it is quite selfish. she's taking after her sister a little too much for my liking lately. "i will get yuu back, even if i have to kill mikaela to do it", alright miss mini mahiru. chill.

i would very much like someone to drill some sense into her head.

as for mika, he was my favourite for quite some time. i'm afraid i can't speak on him anymore, though, since he's kinda wiggled himself out of my field of interest. younger me would be going insane over his angel self... but now, i actually don't have anything to say about him. he exists. he's a massive scapegoat. i wish we could have seen him bond with shinoa squad.

krul is great solely because she's somehow the only female character who doesn't have a crush on some guy. hooray for vampirism! i don't have that many thoughts on her either, but i do adore her. she treated mika fairly well, she acted against vampire laws, she was more trustworthy than others. and god, that chapter where she was turned into a vampire was so awful, i loved it. more of an ashera-perspective probably, but still! as i've mentioned, i'm not a fan of her and all the black demons having been angels before, so i can't bring myself to look forward to their reunion as much as i used to. but i'd still like to see it.

[troglobite]

lkajsdf

oh my fUCKING. GOD. I'M SO FUCKING TIRED.

"the air filter in the fridge needs to be replaced"

[angrily and as though i've asked the world of her in 10 seconds flats] "okay, i'll take care of it TODAY"

???????????????

"i'm literally just passing along information. the door alert is in tiny font and it's hard to read so i didn't know if you'd see it, and i JUST saw it, so i was LETTING YOU KNOW. THAT'S IT."

i got upset abt the vacuum being difficult to work with and i was asking A SPECIFIC QUESTION and INSTEAD OF FUCKING ANSWERING she just asked me REPEATEDLY what i'm trying to do!

CONTRARY TO YOUR POPULAR BELIEF, I DO ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO USE HOME CLEANING INSTRUMENTS

THIS ONE IS NEW AND IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT AND IT'S MAKING ME UPSET SO I'M ASKING A VERY SPECIFIC QUESTION TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING COULD YOU JUST ANSWER IT

then of course she did my favorite thing

she jumped shipped to a completely separate thing that i wasn't thinking about

she KNOWS that i am COMPLETELY FUCKING OVERWHELMED as my base status right now and she did the ONE THING THAT FUCKING ALWAYS OVERWHELMS ME: asks me a complicated question while i'm DOING SOMETHING ELSE UNRELATED.

so i tell her just to hang on and let me think

AND INSTEAD OF LETTING ME FUCKING DO THAT

she walks away to retrieve SHIT THAT I DON'T NEED and says "here are three options which one do you want"

I DON'T KNOW! BECAUSE I'M DOING SOMETHING AND I'M TRYING TO SWITCH GEARS TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION AND MOVE ONTO THE NEXT THING!!!!

"okay i'll just leave them here"

gREAT thanks i'm SOOOOOO FUCKING GLAD that you did that FOR NOTHING because AS I WAS TRYING TO SAY i needed to figure out if i even needed them at fucking all

and now! turns out! I DON'T NEED THEM!!!! WHICH YOU WOULD'VE FUCKING KNOWN IF YOU HAD JUST FUCKING WAITED FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES

i WAS going to hang my pictures and build a piece of furniture today and possibly hang my curtains so i can be NOT FUCKING MISERABLY HOT in my room EVERY FUCKING DAY but no, i'm not going to do that anymore.

i'm a little tetchy and she is MONSTROUSLY ANNOYED WITH ME. i refuse to fucking deal with that.

yesterday she got fucking angry at me because i made a joke abt how she NEVER says "bless you" to me when i sneeze. turned into an entire fucking argument with her acting like i'm INSANE for saying it and she tried to ACCUSE me of being awful for it bc i'm not religious and it's a religious saying??? WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING POINT???

i'm tired, burnt out, overwhelmed, hot, miserable, in pain and uncomfortable 24 FUCKING 7, and i just wanted to do some chores today. i got frustrated and confused about the vacuum and now i'm just the world's worst person.

i'm so fucking sick and tired of her taking it out on me just because i'm the one who lives here.

i'm tired of being the worst thing that ever happened to her.

i'm tired of everything. i don't want to be alive.

every time i start crying, all she sees/hears is my aunt, who she fucking hates and has ptsd from.

every time i'm disabled and need help, all she sees/hears is my grama, who's stubborn and difficult and won't help herself sometimes, and who's really dependent on her--and who still is despite living with my mom's brothers, now, isntead of a house my mom owns.

every time i make a neutral observation or comment or joke, all she sees/hears is my dad being manipulative and judgmental and distrustful of her.

every time i argue or mention a technicality, all she sees/hears is me being condescending and judgmental instead of just neutrally offering information that, if i'm wrong abt, i will happily say "oh whoops i was wrong"

everything i need or feel or think or say just makes her think of someone she hates, whether or not it's fair at all. but she thinks she has ALLLLLLL of her trauma under control--and more than that, that she's not traumatized at all.

meanwhile i had a full fucking nervous system meltdown without any psychological input or Feeling from me at the mere MENTION of having to be alone again for any stretch of time, proving that this summer fucking traumatized me, and all that happened was i was alone for weeks in a house filled with spiders. that's it. that's all that happened. and the mere THOUGHT of being alone again in this house made my autonomic system go into fucking panic/meltdown mode. it happened literally right in front of her and i said, through tears, "i'm not emotionally freaking out, this is happening without my input, all that happened was i thought abt being alone again" i literally narrated it for her and said "it's fine, of course you can go to oregon for a long weekend, you should, my brain got so scared i would be alone for another week again, that's all"

but she thinks she's not traumatized by 1. 20+ years of an emotionally manipulative relationship with someone who had his own unresolved trauma 2. having to care for her also kind of manipulative deeply stubborn and difficult mother who physically abused her as a child including bathing her and changing her diapers for weeks 3. being abandoned by her siblings to care for their mother and their adoptive sister who's mentally ill, has TBI from childhood, and multiple addictions and damage from those addictions, and her young son.

somehow she thinks she only RECENTLY acquired trauma from my aunt, and not over the last 10+ years of this shit.

and there's literally fucking nothing i can do but sit here and be a punching bag and be treated like i'm the worst person on the planet

and then when i FOR LEGITIMATE REASONS feel that way, again, all she sees is my dad emotionally manipulating and abusing her.

literally the other night i sat down w my dinner and went "ah shit i forgot the A1" and she goes "//sigh. okay."

and. STOOD. UP???

i just fucking LOOKED at her fucking BAFFLED. i literally said "what are you doing?"

and she goes "i'm getting the sauce for you. it's easier for me to get up, anyway. and i could get some water."

and i had to say "just to be clear i was going to get it myself, i literally did not ask you to do this or even remotely expect you to."

and she just. fucking did it anyway.

and she does this ALL THE TIME. case in fucking point, when she left and grabbed 3 of something for me THAT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE SURE I EVEN FUCKING NEEDED

i did not ask her to

she jumped the gun

she didn't listen to me

she didn't respect the fact that i needed to think

she just DID IT and now i don't need them

and she's going to RESENT ME for it

even though I DIDN'T FUCKING ASK HER TO DO THAT

literally those bullet points on the list of things i wanted to do today that i shared w her? they have QUESTION MARKS. BECAUSE I WASN'T SURE. nothing else has a question mark!!!!

FUCKING STOP RUNNING AT A MILLION FUCKING MILES AN HOUR. STOP ASSUMING I'M AN EVIL MASTERMIND WHO EXPECTS YOU TO DO EVERYTHING. JUST FUCKING STOP.

it's fucking MADDENING.

i wish i was fucking dead so she would deal w her shit instead of putting it all on me and acting like she's fucking fine. i'm tired.

all she sees me as is someone who embodies and encapsulates everything she hates about everyone else who's hurt her.

and we've had normal arguments and ups and downs and growing pains, but holy fucking SHIT. i haven't DONE those things to her! i'm not responsible for them!

i'm not my aunt or my grama just bc i'm mentally ill & disabled. i'm not my dad just bc i Experience Emotions and look vaguely like him. i'm not my brother just bc i share information or occasionally correct something.

i'm my own person w my own fucking flaws and problems and i'm tired of sitting here with this fucking knowledge abt how she treats me and she won't ever reflect on it or care.

whenever she gets depressed and in a bad mood, i'm the punching bag who represents everything and everybody she hates in the world and she doesn't even realize it.

what the fuck am i supposed to do with that? it makes it so i can't ever have bad times or be doing badly. when she's like this it's literally like i have nobody in the fucking world who gives a shit and can help me.

it's like literally no one on planet earth understands me or cares.

and i'm just. not worth it.

my jokes are mean, everything i say and do is judgmental and/or condescending, i'm selfish, i'm lazy, i'm awful. i'm dead weight. i'm worthless. i fucking get it. i'm not worth knowing, i'm not worth supporting. i'm not worth the effort it takes to look at your own shit and stop hurting me. i'm not worth a fraction of the effort i put in to try to not be awful to everyone around me, to try and grow as a person.

but i just don't even have a clear image of who or what i am because no one around me knows or cares or sees me as anything but One Thing or the same as other ppl and they don't investigate that at all.

literally had a friend who said she walked on eggshells around me when i would get upset--just like she does with her sister. meanwhile, i coludn't understand why she thought that of me. i literally asked, we had a normal conversation abt it. but at no point did she realize that comparing me to her sister was her OWN fucking problem. i don't have unmedicated bipolar disorder. i don't barge into her room screaming at her. i would get mildly upset and use swear words for dramatic or humorous flair. and at no point did she ever express any discomfort with it.

but also at no point did i give her or anyone else any reason to walk on eggshells around me. and what's fucking crazy is i explicitly asked for them to just ASK ME what i wanted or needed or how i was doing.

and nobody ever did it. they never asked me any questions like that, even after that.

ppl take their shit and put it on me and i'm just supposed to deal with it because I'M the asshole if i suggest they go to therapy or make that connection FOR them.

but i can sit here and make the connections btwn my trauma and bullying growing up and how my friends are behaving, and logically go "this isn't the same thing, but this is why i'm so upset and hurt by it" and try and communicate abt it while setting that trauma/baggage aside bc otherwise it's deeply unfair.

but no one else will do ANYTHING of the sort for me.

i am just the blank slate upon which they project all of their hatred and unexamined trauma. and that's all i'll ever be.

it's impossible to feel like a person, like a full person, when your disability and the pandemic shrink your world to nothing, and then your disabilities get WORSE and your world shrinks EVEN MORE (typing this is killing my hands, but what the fuck else am i going to do? i don't have anyone to talk to, and even if i did, it would still be typed), and the only ppl around you project their own shit onto you instead of trying to see you as you are.

i'm not perfect i don't see it all there's shit i do and feel that's definitely based in trauma that i don't have a full grasp on, and it took me weeks and happenstance to make the specific connection btwn my bullying & childhood trauma to how my friends were behaving and why it felt So Fucking Bad.

but i'm just. not worth any ounce of that effort in return. not even when i point it out or ask for things or lay things out. nothing changes. there's no discussion. i'm tired. i'm just simply not worth any of this. i'm not worth it. i'm not worth any effort. i'm just not.

and the fact that i'm effort always, regardless of what it is. like fucking christ alive. it's dirty, shitty, lousy work. and no one wants to do it.

and my therapist wants me to do dating apps. my mom's only suggestion to me is to find a partner.

doing that is literally the site and source of like 80% of my fucking trauma in life. there's a fucking pandemic. i'm in the middle of trying to figure out everything medically wrong with me so i can NOT be in CONSTANT PAIN. so i can maybe NOT be 500% burnt out every fucking day of my life, now.

but yeah, let's do the thing that distills down all of the social stuff that has ever traumatized me in my life and expose me to more trauma.

i'm sure my therapist is still pissed at me for not switching to the one she vetted for me. i legitimately had $80 at one point this week, and then i got lucky--got a tax credit & a pay check in the same week. and this new therapist is more expensive than her. and i'm not opposed to switching. but i'm just literally so exhausted.

i wanted to do so much today and now my mom is just. primed and ready to be mad at me.

she found out the thing she has is only a screwdriver and not a drill, meanwhile weeks and weeks ago i told her, don't we need a drill and not a screwdriver to hang my curtains? she said no it's fine.

now here we are, and lo and behold.

but don't worry, i'm a childlike idiot moron dipshit fucker who's worthless and lazy and stupid and doesn't know anything, like how to use vacuums.

what's the fucking point of anything

[qqueenofhades]

Re: the post you reblogged about Bush. I'm 21 and tbh feel like I can only vote for Bernie, can you explain if/why I shouldn't? Thanks and sorry if this is dumb or anything.

Oh boy. Okay, I’ll do my best here. Note that a) this will get long, and b) I’m old, Tired, and I‘m pretty sure my brain tried to kill me last night. Since by nature I am sure I will say something Controversial ™, if anyone reads this and feels a deep urge to inform me that I am Wrong, just… mark it down as me being Wrong and move on with your life. But also, really, you should read this and hopefully think about it. Because while I’m glad you asked this question, it feels like there’s a lot in your cohort who won’t, and that worries me. A lot.

First, not to sound utterly old-woman-in-a-rocking-chair ancient, people who came of age/are only old enough to have Obama be the first president that they really remember have no idea how good they had it. The world was falling the fuck apart in 2008 (not coincidentally, after 8 years of Bush). We came within a flicker of the permanent collapse of the global economy. The War on Terror was in full roar, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were at their height, we had Dick Cheney as the cartoon supervillain before we had any of Trump’s cohort, and this was before Chelsea Manning or Edward Snowden had exposed the extent of NSA/CIA intelligence-gathering/American excesses or there was any kind of public debate around the fact that we were all surveilled all the time. And the fact that a brown guy named Barack Hussein Obama was elected in this climate seems, and still seems tbh, kind of amazing. And Obama was certainly not a Perfect President ™. He had to scale back a lot of planned initiatives, he is notorious for expanding the drone strike/extrajudicial assassination program, he still subscribed to the overall principles of neoliberalism and American exceptionalism, etc etc. There is valid criticism to be made as to how the hopey-changey optimistic rhetoric stacked up against the hard realities of political office. And yet…. at this point, given what we’re seeing from the White House on a daily basis, the depth of the parallel universe/double standards is absurd.

Because here’s the thing. Obama, his entire family, and his entire administration had to be personally/ethically flawless the whole time (and they managed that – not one scandal or arrest in eight years, against the legions of Trumpistas now being convicted) because of the absolute frothing depths of Republican hatred, racial conspiracy theories, and obstruction against him. (Remember Merrick Garland and how Mitch McConnell got away with that, and now we have Gorsuch and Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court? Because I remember that). If Obama had pulled one-tenth of the shit, one-twentieth of the shit that the Trump administration does every day, he would be gone. It also meant that people who only remember Obama think he was typical for an American president, and he wasn’t. Since about… Jimmy Carter, and definitely since Ronald Reagan, the American people have gone for the Trump model a lot more than the Obama model. Whatever your opinion on his politics or character, Obama was a constitutional law professor, a community activist, a neighborhood organizer and brilliant Ivy League intellectual who used to randomly lie awake at night thinking about income inequality. Americans don’t value intellectualism in their politicians; they just don’t. They don’t like thinking that “the elites” are smarter than them. They like the folksy populist who seems fun to have a beer with, and Reagan/Bush Senior/Clinton/Bush Junior sold this persona as hard as they possibly could. As noted in said post, Bush Junior (or Shrub as the late, great Molly Ivins memorably dubbed him) was Trump Lite but from a long-established political family who could operate like an outwardly civilized human.

The point is: when you think Obama was relatively normal (which, again, he wasn’t, for any number of reasons) and not the outlier in a much larger pattern of catastrophic damage that has been accelerated since, again, the 1980s (oh Ronnie Raygun, how you lastingly fucked us!), you miss the overall context in which this, and which Trump, happened. Like most left-wingers, I don’t agree with Obama’s recent and baffling decision to insert himself into the 2020 race and warn the Democratic candidates against being too progressive or whatever he was on about. I think he was giving into the same fear that appears to be motivating the remaining chunk of Joe Biden’s support: that middle/working-class white America won’t go for anything too wild or that might sniff of Socialism, and that Uncle Joe, recalled fondly as said folksy populist and the internet’s favorite meme grandfather from his time as VP, could pick up the votes that went to Trump last time. And that by nature, no one else can.

The underlying belief is that these white voters just can’t support anything too “un-American,” and that by pushing too hard left, Democratic candidates risk handing Trump a second term. Again: I don’t agree and I think he was mistaken in saying it. But I also can’t say that Obama of all people doesn’t know exactly the strength of the political machine operating against the Democratic Party and the progressive agenda as a whole, because he ran headfirst into it for eight years. The fact that he managed to pass any of his legislative agenda, usually before the Tea Party became a thing in 2010, is because Democrats controlled the House and Senate for the first two years of his first term. He was not perfect, but it was clear that he really did care (just look up the pictures of him with kids). He installed smart, efficient, and scandal-free people to do jobs they were qualified for. He gave us Elena Kagan and Sonia Sotomayor to join RBG on the Supreme Court. All of this seems… like a dream.

That said: here we are in a place where Biden, Bernie Sanders, and Elizabeth Warren are the front-runners for the Democratic nomination (and apparently Pete Buttigieg is getting some airplay as a dark horse candidate, which… whatever). The appeal of Biden is discussed above, and he sure as hell is not my favored candidate (frankly, I wish he’d just quit). But Sanders and Warren are 85% - 95% similar in their policy platforms. The fact that Michael “50 Billion Dollar Fortune” Bloomberg started rattling his chains about running for president is because either a Sanders or Warren presidency terrifies the outrageously exploitative billionaire capitalist oligarchy that runs this country and has been allowed to proceed essentially however the fuck they like since… you guessed it, the 1980s, the era of voodoo economics, deregulation, and the free market above all. Warren just happens to be ten years younger than Sanders and female, and Sanders’ age is not insignificant. He’s 80 years old and just had a heart attack, and there’s still a year to go to the election. It’s also more than a little eye-rolling to describe him as the only progressive candidate in the race, when he’s an old white man (however much we like and approve of his policy positions). And here’s the thing, which I think is a big part of the reason why this polarized ideological purity internet leftist culture mistrusts Warren:

She may have changed her mind on things in the past.

Scary, right? I sound like I’m being facetious, but I’m not. An argument I had to read with my own two eyes on this godforsaken hellsite was that since Warren became a Democrat around the time Clinton signed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, she sekritly hated gay people and might still be a corporate sellout, so on and etcetera. (And don’t even get me STARTED on the fact that DADT, coming a few years after the height of the AIDS crisis which was considered God’s Judgment of the Icky Gays, was the best Clinton could realistically hope to achieve, but this smacks of White Gay Syndrome anyway and that is a whole other kettle of fish.) Bernie has always demonstrably been a democratic socialist, and: good for him. I’m serious. But because there’s the chance that Warren might not have thought exactly as she does now at any point in her life, the hysterical and paranoid left-wing elements don’t trust that she might not still secretly do so. (Zomgz!) It’s the same element that’s feeding cancel culture and “wokeness.” Nobody can be allowed to have shifted or grown in their opinions or, like a functional, thoughtful, non-insane adult, changed their beliefs when presented with compelling evidence to the contrary. To the ideological hordes, any hint of uncertainty or past failure to completely toe the line is tantamount to heresy. Any evidence of any other belief except The Correct One means that this person is functionally as bad as Trump. And frankly, it’s only the Sanders supporters who, just as in 2016, are threatening to withhold their vote in the general election if their preferred candidate doesn’t win the primary, and indeed seem weirdly proud about it.

OK, boomer Bernie or Buster.

Here’s the thing, the thing, the thing: there is never going to be an American president free of the deeply toxic elements of American ideology. There just won’t be. This country has been built how it has for 250 years, and it’s not gonna change. You are never going to have, at least not in the current system, some dream candidate who gets up there and parrots the left-wing talking points and attacks American imperialism, exceptionalism, ravaging global capitalism, military and oil addiction, etc. They want to be elected as leader of a country that has deeply internalized and taken these things to heart for its entire existence, and most of them believe it to some degree themselves. So this groupthink white liberal mentality where the only acceptable candidate is this Perfect Non-Problematic robot who has only ever had one belief their entire lives and has never ever wavered in their devotion to doctrine has really gotten bad. The Democratic Party would be considered… maybe center/mild left in most other developed countries. It’s not even really left-wing by general standards, and Sanders and Warren are the only two candidates for the nomination who are even willing to go there and explicitly put out policy proposals that challenge the systematic structure of power, oppression, and exploitation of the late-stage capitalist 21st century. Warren has the billionaires fussed, and instead of backing down, she’s doubling down. That’s part of why they’re so scared of her. (And also misogyny, because the world is depressing like that.) She is going head-on after picking a fight with some of the worst people on the planet, who are actively killing the rest of us, and I don’t know about you, but I like that.

Of course: none of this will mean squat if she (or the eventual Democratic winner, who I will vote for regardless of who it is, but as you can probably tell, she’s my ride or die) don’t a) win the White House and then do as they promised on the campaign trail, and b) don’t have a Democratic House and Senate willing to have a backbone and pass the laws. Even Nancy Pelosi, much as she’s otherwise a badass, held off on opening a formal impeachment inquiry into Trump for months out of fear it would benefit him, until the Ukraine thing fell into everyone’s laps. The Democrats are really horrible at sticking together and voting the party line the way Republicans do consistently, because Democrats are big-tent people who like to think of themselves as accepting and tolerant of other views and unwilling to force their members’ hands. The Republicans have no such qualms (and indeed, judging by their enabling of Trump, have no qualms at all). 

The modern American Republican party has become a vehicle for no-holds-barred power for rich white men at the expense of absolutely everything and everyone else, and if your rationale is that you can’t vote for the person opposing Donald Goddamn Trump is that you’re just not vibing with them on the language of that one policy proposal… well, I’m glad that you, White Middle Class Liberal, feel relatively safe that the consequences of that decision won’t affect you personally. Even if we’re due to be out of the Paris Climate Accords one day after the 2020 election, and the issue of climate change now has the most visibility it’s ever had after years of big-business, Republican-led efforts to deny and discredit the science, hey, Secret Corporate Shill, am I right? Can’t trust ‘er. Let’s go have a craft beer.

As has been said before: vote as far left as you want in the primary. Vote your ideology, vote whatever candidate you want, because the only way to make actual, real-world change is to do that. The huge, embedded, all-consuming and horrible system in which we operate is not just going to suddenly be run by fairy dust and happy thoughts overnight. Select candidates that reflect your values exactly, be as picky and ideologically militant as you want. That’s the time to do that! Then when it comes to the general election:

America is a two-party system. It sucks, but that’s the case. Third-party votes, or refraining from voting because “it doesn’t matter” are functionally useless at best and actively harmful at worst.

Either the Democratic candidate or Donald Trump will win the 2020 election.

There is absolutely no length that the Republican/GOP machine, and its malevolent allies elsewhere, will not go to in order to secure a Trump victory. None.

Any talk whatsoever about “progressive values” or any kind of liberal activism, coupled with a course of action that increases the possibility of a Trump victory, is hypocritical at best and actively malicious at worst.

This is why I found the Democratic response to Obama’s “don’t go too wild” comments interesting. Bernie doubled down on the fact that his plans have widespread public support, and he’s right. (Frankly, the fact that Sanders and Warren are polling at the top, and the fact that they’re politicians and would not be crafting these campaign messages if they didn’t know that they were being positively received, says plenty on its own). Warren cleverly highlighted and praised Obama’s accomplishments in office (i.e. the Affordable Care Act) and didn’t say squat about whether she agreed or disagreed with him, then went right back to campaigning about why billionaires suck. And some guy named Julian Castro basically blew Obama off and claimed that “any Democrat” could beat Trump in 2020, just by nature of existing and being non-insane.

This is very dangerous! Do not be Julian Castro!

As I said in my tags on the Bush post: everyone assumed that sensible people would vote for Kerry in 2004. Guess what happened? Yeah, he got Swift Boated. The race between Obama and McCain in 2008, even after those said nightmare years of Bush, was very close until the global crash broke it open in Obama’s favor, and Sarah Palin was an actual disqualifier for a politician being brazenly incompetent and unprepared. (Then again, she was a woman from a remote backwater state, not a billionaire businessman.) In 2012, we thought Corporate MormonBot Mitt Fuggin’ Romney was somehow the worst and most dangerous candidate the Republicans could offer. In 2016, up until Election Day itself, everyone assumed that HRC was a badly flawed candidate but would win anyway. And… we saw how that worked out. Complacency is literally deadly.

I was born when Reagan was still president. I’m just old enough to remember the efforts to impeach Clinton over forcing an intern to give him a BJ in the Oval Office (This led by the same Republicans making Donald Trump into a darling of the evangelical Christian right wing.) I’m definitely old enough to remember 9/11 and how America lost its mind after that, and I remember the Bush years. And, obviously, the contrast with Obama, the swing back toward Trump, and everything that has happened since. We can’t afford to do this again. We’re hanging by a thread as it is, and not just America, but the entire planet.

So yes. By all means, vote for Sanders in the primary. Then when November 3, 2020 rolls around, if you care about literally any of this at all, hold your nose if necessary and vote straight-ticket Democrat, from the president, to the House and Senate, to the state and local offices. I cannot put it more strongly than that.

[softxsuki]

I'M HERE! HI. I'VE BEEN BUSY WITH THINGS. MISSED DOING THIS ALREADY. I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS FOR YOU AGAIN. If you don't mind that is :'>

What gives you the most comfort?

What do you think about this current generation?

I feel like an interviewer right now and I'm just curious since I'm nearly done with the day at school. - ⚜️

Ahhhh HI YESS questions time! I’m ready 🤗

1. Again, God gives me comfort. He’s the only one I can’t 100000000% rely on knowing I’ll never be judged by him. But aside from that, music comforts me and being transported to fictional lands though k-dramas, anime, and fanfic/books/manhwas. I’m always living in my imagination and that’s super comforting to me bc real life isn’t always great

2. As someone who works in a bookstore in a pretty rough area where this generation (as in teens/kids) shops and hangs out, I am a bit disappointed. Of course there are your good and bad in every generation, this one included bc there are some of you who fall into the category of this generation and you guys are wonderful, but there is a lot wrong with this generation (even my generation). We romanticize drugs, mental health, and abuse. People seem to want to create a problem out of everything and “cancel” anyone for ANYTHING just bc they’re in the limelight. Kids are out here acting disrespectful in public, stealing and being rude just bc they think it’s funny and they want to impress their friends. There’s also this obsession with technology that’s insane. I see it first hand in my brother. He could rot in his room on the computer if no one said anything to him. Like, why doesn’t anyone go out anymore?

I feel like this was just me ranting about the kids that shop at the store I work at 🤣 but I hope you enjoy my answers. I love these interviews 😂 🥰 I hope you had a great day at school! I’m still at work🥲 I’m so tired

[icybeanheadcanons]

ok ok ok ok I frickin LOVE this blog and finally got the courage for an ask so here we go (only if you wanna, no pressure)- how would Nightmare's Scary Band of Sanses (nightmare, error, killer, horror, and dust) react to a SO who's incredibly badass but kind of crazy? Idk man I'm just thinking of Jack-Sparrow/Mad Hatter type deal; they'll go on what seem to be completely hairbrained schemes right in the middle of battle exept they always EnD Up WOrKinG as if they were genius, thought out plans all along (no one can tell if the SO's incredibly smart or just insane; the SO never confirms which so most just say they're both). nobody knows what this SO is thinking at any given moment. jus gimme fluff and headcannons for an absolute wild card being lovey dovey with a band of au destroying murderers. thank youuuu~

OH I LOVE ME SOME CHAOS GREMLIN, I haven’t gotten too many asks yet for Nightmare, error, killer and dust, as they are the newest editions to the blog. My horror sans isn’t apart of their gang either, as he is just trying to heal from a life time of trauma. (but frankly, the idea of Axe getting a bunch of off their rocker friends showing up at his house, eating his food, bringing him things like little magpies is absolutely hysterical) 

----------------------------------------------------------

Nightmare

He doesn’t understand a single thing you say to him EVER. He doesn’t know how to process positive emotions very well, but he tries very hard. He concludes the wrong thing, constantly. The fact your around him at all, is the absolute hardest thing, for him to process, of all the things. He complains, but frankly, it doesn’t sound even remotely genuine. “You spout nothing but bullshit don’tcha??” You tell him and he’s losing his mind. “yOU  ARE THE ENTIRE MONARCHY OF BULLSHIT??” 

“That’s why I can say it!”

“nO.”

He’s frankly, a big cuddler, one of the biggest signs his words are nothing but bullshit. He sounds exasperated, but he’s smiling. You try to stop cuddling him and he’s pulling you back, or finding some other way to interact or have some semblance of touch with you. 

Error

Teach him the bullshit madness, how do you do things? You... improvise?? Terrible, disgusting, keep your fucking secrets then. For some reason he just, cannot accept that you just Do Things (tm) and its the funniest god damn thing in the world. Everything you do is so not put together and yet, like the mad lad that you are, they WORK. He’s happy you’re with him. He’s not big on touch, its overwhelming and upsetting, so words and the like is enough for him. Its his love language frankly. He doesn’t realize, but you’re part of the reason his schemes fall apart the way that they do. In a comical villain sense. He is one, but you increase that factor tenfold. He’s busy, doing his thing, and you interject with some form of question. “i’M GLAD YOU ASKED-” and there he goes, going off the deep end of his trauma, and absolutely, wrong, conclusions that the multiverse is in need of elimination. 

Killer

He thinks you’re HILARIOUS, and frankly, he’s correct. You guys just kind of go places together, goofing off. He’s distracted from killing when you’re around. You make him laugh and smile for real, and with that, the numbness wears off. The flood comes out and he kind of randomly has a mental breakdown at times, and you just. Scoop him up. Talk him down, and through it. And once he’s done, you both head back out to do more stupid shenanigans. Its easy to be with you, and he’s able to just vibe a little more, like an exhausted demon who decides to start going fishing because murder just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Dust

Papyrus thinks, you should probably calm down, but he thinks Papyrus is WRONG and that you’re GREAT. He’s not really making any sense either, but its okay because you just. Get it. You get that his brother is there, at least in his mind. You get just telling him he isn’t, makes things worse and just upsets him. You help him set up a nice greenhouse, and just, name all his plants with him. You have so many plant babies. Look at em. You don’t judge him, and so he’s able to be so much more open with you. You don’t look at him like he’s insane, or like he’s lost his marbles. He feels like he makes sense and belongs with you. No one understands the two of you, but you guys get each other and that’s all you really need.

Axe

You remind him of a stray cat who can’t sit still. You crawl in through his window, yelling that you come baring gifts, excited and enthusiastically. He’s your tired, aggressive boy, who doesn’t have too much oomf anymore. He never liked what he was doing in the underground, and he’s happy to be on the surface. He always makes sure the window is unlocked so you can come in, as it is your preferred method of entering his house. He never knows when you’ll come, but you always do. And frankly, its sweet that you meet him in the middle everywhere you two go. Every once in awhile, he lets you bring him on an adventure, just for kicks. 

[angloie]

The Moon and the Stars | a percabeth one-shot

> Late night drives and unhealthy snacks are a great match for two tired college students after a rough semester. Especially when Annabeth has been ignoring her best friend for so long now.

> Mortal! AU 

> Warnings: swearing, fluff.

> Words; 1.8k

Late nights and energy drinks were pretty much the norm for Percy and many other college students.

"And I pay genuine money for this crap!?" Percy burries his head in his pillow, trying his best to get at least an hour of shut-eye. Based on the last hours of tossing and turning, that isn't going to become reality any time soon. His hair was a mess. Being tosseled every two minutes wasn't exactly doing anything good, either.

To be honest, college was something he looked forward to. Now that he was here in the flesh, however...

He hated it with every fibre in his body. 

The late, late nights spent awake finishing an overdue project and assignment. The horrible hangovers he would have when he accidentally had one too many drinks. And not to mention his best friend wouldn't pay any attention to him. It sucked. 

“Hey, wanna do something?” He asked one day, popping his head to peer into her room. 

Annabeth didn't look up from her book. “Can’t. Sorry, maybe tomorrow?” She had replied, still not batting an eye at him.

And when the next day came:

“Let’s go to that Cafe across town!”

“Can we do a raincheck? I just really need to finish this.”

Like that. 

Percy understood that Annabeth (and him) had to catch up on some work. And that was fine, obviously; but she literally never came out of that god-damned room! It was driving him insane.

His roomate, Annabeth, could be heard typing away some essay locked away in her room. Percy kinda felt bad. She should be sleeping. Or resting, that is.

 Alright, he can't take it anymore.

He swings his legs over this bed, still warm from his touch. Gods, he wanted to stay in there. Why couldn't he fall asleep and close his eyes?

Percy keeps on thinking those blissful thoughts, but he doesn't do that. Its actually the opposite really. The sky is dark outside, other than the pale moon shining through his blinds. Stars are glimmering like Percy's eyes when he sees blue cookies. Percy throws a hasty hoodie on, paired with shorts. Nothing special.

Nearly slamming Annabeth's door open, he is met with the view of her at her desk, papers swarmed around her. At the eye of the unorganized storm, lays Annabeth's head. She looks up in shock from the loud SLAM! Of her bedroom door. He leans on the wide door frame.

"Oh. Hey. Is there something wrong?" Annabeth rubs her eyes, clearly drained and tired. Eye bags can be seen forming in dark circles under her eyes.

"Are you okay?" Percy asks taking not of his surroundings. It's a silly question- but he genuinely wants to know if she's okay.

Annabeth yawns. It takes a few seconds before she can reply.

"My eyes are on fire and the energy drinks aren't kicking in." She grumbles. "And I have this essay due tomorrow."

"I have a solution."

"Well then, what is it?"

"Sleep."

Annabeth scoffs. "Oh wow, I haven't thought of that! You're so insightful, Percy!" She remarks in a sarcastic tone. One that he isn't the biggest fan of.

"This essay won't do itself, dumbass. I've gotta work. Just a few more hours."

Percy grimaces at her tone which is dripping in venom. He stops leaning on the doorframe and walks towards the blonde, earning a quizzical look from her.

"Y'know, drinking all that caffeine can not be healthy for a regular human being."

"I'm not dead yet, so I don't see the problem."

Annabeth stops typing as soon as she recognizes the look on his face, a shit eating smirk that can mean no good. Out of all the years she has known him, Annabeth thinks that she hates that look on him now.

In one swift swoop, Percy snatches her up and throws her on his shoulder.

"What the fu- Percy!" Annabeth nearly yells. It's the dead if the night, so she tries to put a sock on it to prevent disturbing the neighbors.

"If you aren't going to sleep, then we can eat."

"I. Have. A. Essay. Have you forgotten already, dipshit?"

"Shut it, loser." Percy swings the flat door open, ignoring the quiet protests coming from Annabeth. She flails her arms desperately- almost like a bird- but ceases when Percy doesn't react. The lines of tiredness and reality start to blur; why is her best friend kidnapping her to get food..?

They pass the lobby. And go down the elevator. No one is there, but Annabeth can almost guarantee some poor security guard is watching them like this.

Percy and Annabeth are now in front of his car. He opens the passenger's seat to place a groggy Annabeth. She doesn't have the heart to get out, but her brain is screaming for her to. Instead she let's out a exhausting groan.

He starts the car up and exits the underground garage. At one point of the drive, Annabeth falls asleep. Percy laughs to himself. The dark sky is polluted with city lights, but stars still glow faintly. Annabeth leans to one side, her head resting in his shoulder. It's an affectionate action; but he knows that she's just asleep.

Percy gets Annabeth's comfort food which consists of McDonald's, chips, candy bars and oddly fried shrimp. And for once, he buys water instead of the unhealthy drinks she insists on purchasing.

To be frank- he doesn't know where he's going. Percy isn't in the mood to be in his stuffy hot room right now, and Annabeth just looks so peaceful in her slumber.

So he drives to a cliff instead.

It's on a high hill, over looking the outline of the city. June bugs and crickets set the soundtrack for the night. Percy laughs to himself. He's been here multiple times, with close friends and other fellow college students trying to get away. How come he hasn't brought Annabeth here?

Percy stops the engine, letting the sounds take over the loud rumbling of the car. Annabeth mumbles something incoherent in her slumber, shifting her head off Percy's shoulder. She leans forward and nearly folds herself into a pretzel.

"Hey. Wisegirl. Wake up, sleeping beauty." Percy likes his friend in the cheek. Annabeth opens her eyes, vibrant with sudden liveliness.

A groan, and then another. "Seaweed brain?" She looks around and realizes she is definitely not in her room. "Where are we?"

"Somewhere.” He pauses, thinking of what to say next. “Eat up." He shoves a brown bag in her face, the smell of mouth watering food wafting itself around her. Gods, is she in heaven?

'No, no, no- get a hold of yourself! You can't do th-' Her mind prompts, but the hungry girl goes for it anyways. It'd be rude if she declined, right? Annabeth and him have deserved this. And it's been a while since they hung out together, too.

"You didn't have to do this, Percy. But thanks anyways."

She and Percy eat on top of the car hood, which is sturdy and comfortable. Its silence that follows except for the nature. Crickets and the soft gusts of wind that come every now and then. Honking horns and car engines are heard faintly, but if you tried to block them out, you could. Who the hell is even out here at one in the morning? 

Oh right, them.

“Im sorry.” Annabeth mumbles. Her mouth still full with food. 

“For what?” Percy asks, tilting his head a bit.

“For not spending time with you,” She says, “We haven't done shit like this in a while.”

He laughs. “Its fine, wisegirl. You had work to do. And I'm just here to make sure you don't kill yourself while doing so.” Annabeth laughs at that.

“Yeah, I know.. How about we go to that Cafe you wanted to visit tomorrow?”

“If we're not dead by then. Look at all the the food we're digesting.” Percy jokes, but gives a lopsided smile. “And I'd be happy to.”

For a while the two converse conversation on how they'd been doing. That assignment Annabeth had to do one early five AM morning? That was a architecture project that has been awarded a few mentions. And the essay she had to finish? That would soon get her (She didn't know it yet) a perfect mark. After all the stress and hard work, that could be the only fitting reward. 

Percy has been doing things on his own too. But clearly not as recognized as Annabeth's work. But he isn't failing a single subject; that hasn't been happening since Annabeth started to help him with his work. She was truly a godsend.

By the time they finish eating, food stuffs them up to their eyes. Percy has to shove himself off his car and onto the grassy ground to be able to move. This wasn't going to be good for him at swimming practice tomorrow. 

Annabeth and him decide internally that they don't want to head back to their place not yet- but they walk over to a grass spot under an large oak tree. The wind is more refreshing there and the leaves bristle with every gust. It feels nice.

Up there, it's less-light polluted so the stars shine even greater. It's breathtaking.

“Its Orion,” Annabeth lazily points to the sky, her back pressed up against the green grass. “And over there it looks like Aries.”

She has always had some sort of interest in astrology and the stars, but not the kinds you see on Instagram where they say: 'Asparagus this and Scorpion that,’; she likes to study the constellations. And Annabeth wouldn't admit it- but she went through some sort of phase in middle school.

“I dunno, they all look like stars to me.” Annabeth wants to punch Percy at that point.

He intertwines her fingers with his, and Annabeth's breath hitches. Percy keeps his hand in hers. 

“Do you ever just want to stop time?” He asks randomly. “Because if I could, I would do it now.”

“Yeah. I do.” She sighs, taking in a breath of fresh air. “Can we just... Can we do this more often? You know, the late night drives.”

“I’d like that.” Percy smiles. 

-

- a/n

ahdjbdhbhjsihdjjw I swear I will do everything AU other than a demigod one cuz I suck

[corvidiss]

Clearly what's wrong with you is that you can't tell how awesome you are

Isn't there something like the development of skill and the final stage is being aware that you're great at something but the one before it is being great at something but not knowing it??you're probably at that stage

I'm bad with run on sentences sorry but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about

Gjskgkslf you know what, anon? Yeah.

It's interesting you bring that up, actually, because I have a really weird relationship with my own abilities. See, I can be borderline arrogant about it – I consider my writing skills to be bloody damn well good if I don't say so myself (I do), and I often look at my own art and go "Wow yeah that's good, I'm pretty badass at this" – but I don't usually say these things, because, well people don't like it when someone's arrogant.

But people don't like it when someone denies appreciation or their own abilities either. I think that's something a lot of us sometimes forget – that being self-deprecating about our work can be as bad as, or possibly sometimes worse than, being arrogant about it, for ourselves, and for the people who enjoy it. (Not to condone arrogance though. Self love is good, self-worship is unhealthy.)

Despite my high opinion of at least some of my creative work, I am still very dissatisfied with a lot of it – and I think that's because of the fact that I know I can do well. I look at the first doodle I've drawn in two weeks, and beat myself up because it doesn't come close to the 11-hour digital painting I produced two years ago. I write something short without a clear intention of where it's going while I'm tired and achy, and get frustrated that it doesn't compare to the polished prose I published last week, or the piece of writing I did in an exam a few years ago and somehow got full marks on.

And everything between "tired 10-minute attempt" and "My god, it's practically breathing!" makes me question myself too, because I forget that people aren't robots. We don't have a setting at which we always work; we have good days and bad days, and we have art block and plot problems, and we have insane quantities of factors playing into our ability to do things well, or even at all.

Just because you can't make yourself do the dishes, that doesn't mean you're a worthless pile of stale spaghetti.

Just because you can't draw as well as someone else yet, that doesn't mean you're not good at other things. Or that you should give up drawing.

(Another thing many people don't realise is that you can be good at things like being nice, and a lot of people don't seem to realise how much their online acquaintances appreciate them – myself included, it seems. This type of skill is just as worthwhile and just as valid and capable of making people happy. It's also a skill that mental health problems can to make you completely blind to. Your friends and mutuals might not actually hate you, you know, or find you annoying or whiny or blunt – it might just be mental illness fogging up your windscreen.)

So it's definitely worth my while reflecting on these things, and I'm glad you brought it up, because I don't do it nearly as often as I should. It really serves to just think about this now and again, to rationalise your failings and remind yourself that nobody can work at their best the whole time. And that your best now is far from what your best will be in time to come. And that you don't have to be doing your best to be doing well – that mediocre art of any kind is still something you made out of nothing, and that's so incredibly cool! And, importantly, that what you create isn't a reflection of your worth.

Also, while I think the skill development stages thing is definitely an interesting concept, I'd argue that one can learn to be aware of one's own merits before one has mastered a skill. I think it's important to do our best to see the good we're managing, even if, and especially when, we're picking out things to improve on as well. It's a long, difficult journey, especially for those who struggle with self-worth and related difficulties – but it's a truly worthwhile journey to embark on, and even the tiniest of progress along it is cause for celebration.

Good work! You're managing to give yourself credit for what you've done, even if you're not totally satisfied with the results of your efforts. You're seeing what you did right, and learning from your successes as well as your mistakes. That's progress, friend, and I'm proud of you!

Well done! You managed to look at something you've done and noticed something positive about it. It might be massively outweighed by the negatives you're seeing, but it's progress, friend, and I'm proud of you!

You did it! You managed to say thank you, or even just ":)" when someone complimented you or your work, instead of disagreeing and/or pointing out the things you hate! It was so hard for you to avoid arguing about it, and you gave it a shot and finally resisted the temptation. That's progress, friend, and I'm proud of you.

...That went on a bit of a rant; oops...

TL;DR:

I'm borderline arrogant about some of my creative work in my head, but I don't say it because people don't like arrogance.

But people don't like self-deprecation either, which can be as bad for both the creator and the appreciator to an extent.

Despite my high opinion of my work, I often beat myself up because not everything I do is my best, which is ridiculous of me tbh.

Because humans aren't perfect robots and we have bad days and art blocks and so on, and many things contributing to how well we perform at any given time, it's unreasonable to expect ourselves to do our best the whole time.

(Also, you can be good at being nice to people, etc; it doesn't have to be a creative skill you're good at. And people might not hate you as much as you think they do, because mental illnesses like to fog up your perception of that sort of thing.)

Reflecting on this sort of thing can be really helpful, because it can make you realise you were being unfair to yourself when expecting to work at high standards 24/7, or more of the time than you can.

And you don't have to have mastered a skill to notice your achievements in it; it can be a long and difficult journey to be able to see the good in your own work, but every step, however small, is an achievement, and I'm proud of you.

Thanks so much for bringing this up, anon! Sorry to ramble so much about it XD And I hope you have a good timezone!

[fydream]

Almost an entire week of school goes by without any form of communication Hyuck. You didn't really expect to see him in the morning before school started so you planned on talking to him during lunch, the day after Chenle texted you. But when you saw Chenle and Renjun sitting together, without the missing boy you knew something was up.

The start of your day was a little awkward. You expected Jeno to actually have a conversation with you during history but he was too caught up doing god knows what on his phone to even realize you were trying to talk to him. "So the boy does have his priorities then.." You thought to yourself. "I wonder if he knows anything I should know."

At the end of the class you decided against asking Jeno, because maybe, just maybe it was a little too early to be asking such questions that would possibly just make things worser than they needed to be. Instead you decided to go on your day in hopes that Donghyuck would contact you in any form.

It was only until your last class of the day when you finally got something. An email, from no one but Lee Donghyuck himself. Confused, on why he would send you something so late in the day you decide to open it. Upon opening the email you read:

Welcome!

Club representative Lee Donghyuck here!

Are you tired of the heartbreak, lies, and untrustworthy relationships in your life? Have you been cheated on one too many times? Then this is the place for you! Welcome to the DNYL Club here at NCT High! Where the heartbreakers become the heartbreakees!

Interested in joining us? Great! You’ll just have to follow a few rules.

rule #1: you’ve got to have fun.

rule #2: always look your best, we don’t want anyone to catch you slipping now, do we?

and lastly, rule #3: don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, unless you want to end up like one of them.

so, will you join us?

Rereading the email over you notice the same four letters on your notebook being mentioned once again, even more confused you check to see who it was sent to, turns out it was sent to just you.

"What the fuck?" You thought to yourself. "All of a sudden Chenle tells me things are going on and Hyuck thinks that instead of explaining things he should send a cryptic email instead.."

The bell rings, snapping you out of your thoughts. You blink twice before looking back at the email that you had opened on on your phone, then back up at your classroom where your classmate seemed to be leaving.

"What the fuck happened?"

Walking out of the now empty classroom to the student parking lot you find yourself in the backseat of Renjun's car. You asked him for a ride to Hyuck's house because you didn't feel like walking all the way over there, plus you decided that the company would be nice. He accepted your request as you told him you were going to check up on Donghyuck and that he and Chenle should come as well

The car ride from school to the Donghyuck's place is mostly quiet with the background noise of the car’s fan and Chenle’s giggles due to him watching some sort of video on his phone. It stays like this for a few minutes before you decide to break it.

"Renjun?" You ask, looking at him through his rear view mirror.

"Yeah?"

"Uh- Hyuck um, sent me this email last period.." You start, and Rejun suddenly hits the breaks in his car, giving both you and Chenle a scare. "I- Sorry." He apologizes. "You can conintinue."

"Um.. Okay.. Well it was about how DNYL was a club at our school?? I recognized the letters from the journal you guys gave me, oh and um- why is it about heartbreakers?? Is this something related to Jeno?" You ask quickly, now getting Chenle's attention as well.

"You'll find out soon enough, y/n." Renjun sighs, parking his car along the sidewalk. "We're here anyways, Hyuck might as well do the explaining himself." He mumbles.

With the three of you exiting Renjun's car, Chenle runs up to the front door to ring the doorbell. Upon ringing the doorbell, no one but Donghyuck himself opens the door, clearly surprised to see the three of you here. "What are you doing here?" He asks as if he were confused on what he did to get all of you to show up at his house.

"You've got a lot of explaining to do." You say pushing past the two boys once you see the door open to reveal your best friend. "What the fuck was that email about? Also who the fuck still emails people?"

"What email?" Donghyuck asks, taken back at the sudden aggressiveness.

"This one?" You say, shoving your phone towards him.

"Oh.. That one." He sighs. "I didn't expect you to ask so soon."

“Why?”

“I thought you might wanted to think about it before asking.”

“Well, clearly I’m here now. Along with your other two friends, and I suggest you tell me if you’re going to explain anything or not so I can leave if you aren’t.” You scoff harshly, getting ready to leave if he did happen to say no.

Donghyuck sighs.

"Come in then, all of you."

"I guess I should just start from the top then, huh?" Donghyuck starts, laughing nervously, earning a glare from you. "So, if you didn't already know.. Lee Jeno, the boy in your history class? Well, He and I dated, for a while in fact.. and well.. it didn't end well." He pauses for a second, and before he can speak again you cut him off.

"Is that it?" You ask a little too harshly, "You see me and your ex, who I didn't even know you dated hang out, and then all of a sudden you don't show up to school, ignore my texts, and just send me a cryptic email? Really?"

"No.. That's not all."

"The reason why we broke up was because I found out one of his friends, who I'm assuming you already met, Park Jisung, dared him to ask me out." He says quietly. "And I guess they found me acting like a fool in love was entertaining.." "Oh." You whisper, feeling guilty that you just snapped at him. "I'm sorry... I didn't know and I shouldn't have assumed.."

"No it's fine. We broke up last June after school ended, so, almost three months ago." He sighs. "I should've known too.. I was warned. One of my upperclassman friends, Mark Lee, warned me about them and I still went on and dated Jeno.. I guess love really is blind then, huh?" He jokes.

"Well.. anyways, Mark was part of the DNYL club also known as the 'Don't Need Your Love' club and when he graduated he made me president. He told me the same stories that his older friends experienced and he saw the difference between the two groups grow. They would continue breaking hearts, and we'd continue trying to get back at them.. but as the years went on we started losing more people."

"So many people quit after all the upperclassmen graduated.. I still don't understand why.." Renjun explained. "The whole concept of the club was just to get back at those who hurt us, in a way that they would understand."

"People have said it's just because the three of them would make you feel so special, when in reality you were just a pawn in their games." Chenle added. "And I guess Hyuck getting his heart broken by Jeno was enough for everyone to quit."

"So.. Who's in the club now?" You ask, trying to keep up with all the information being given to you. Honestly, you didn't expect to learn everything all at once, all you wanted to know was what that email was about, you never expected it to be because of your new so called "friends."

"You're looking at them." Chenle jokes.

"You're fucking kidding."

"There's nothing to kid about y/n."

"Why'd they quit?" You ask.

"Like I said. I guess Hyuck's downfall was just too much." Chenle shrugs. "To be fair, we haven't done anything either. The most we've done so far is cut off ties with Jeno, Jisung, and their friend Jaemin. We're not taking any chances."

"I see.." You sigh. "Okay but what does any of this have to do with me?" You ask.

"Well.. You see.." Donghyuck starts. "We were wondering if you would like to help us out." He says an innocent smile suddenly appearing.

"What?!" You exclaim. "You want me to do what now?!"

"Help us out." Renjun adds with a nod. "You don't have to do anything extreme, we just want them to go through the same pain we did." "Isn't that um.. morally wrong?"

"What? Leading them on just to crush their hearts afterwards?" Donghyuck asks in that playful voice he always uses.

"Uh, yeah?"

"Only if you're looking at it that way." He says smiling. "We're just teaching them a lesson."

"So are you in?" Renjun asks.

Trying to process all the information that had just been given to you, you decide to think about what to do. "So basically. You want me to help you get back at your ex and his friends because they're assholes to not only you, but other people as well. And you think the most sane way to do that is to do the same thing they did to you, to them."

"Yeah pretty much."

"No!"

"C'monn!!!" Chenle whines. "It'll be fun!!"

"Yeah for you! Not me!" You exclaim. "What happens if I end up getting played then, hm?"

"You won't." Renjun defends. "We'll be here for you, plus, considering all that time Hyuck and Jeno spent together we could probably tell you what to do."

"That still doesn't make up for the fact that you're doing the same thing they did." You argue back.

"Well what I've learned is, is that they won't stop until one of them experiences it." Donghyuck retorts. "I know I haven't told you everything but you just need to trust me on this one. They don't care about anyone but themselves." Donghyuck says sincerely, thinking about what Jeno had told him the other night. "Please."

This is the most vulnerable you've seen Donghyuck in a while, and part of you can't tell if this is genuine or if this is just a way for him to get what he wants.

"Okay." You sigh, while the three boys cheer. "But on one condition."

"Of course there's a catch." Donghyuck jokes, rolling his eyes.

"You have to at least talk to Jeno again." "Are you fucking insane?!" Donghyuck asks. "There's no way in hell I'm talking to that bastard, you do not know the hell he put me through."

"And he doesn't know the hell you're about to put him through." You defend. "I never said you had to like him, I just said you have to talk."

"So do we have a deal?"

He sighs.

"We have a deal."

A few days later you were meeting up with Donghyuck at his house where he would be telling you what to do. Currently you were laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling in Donghyuck's bedroom.

"Am I really going to do this?" You think to yourself.

"This is your target." Donghyuck says, handing you his phone with a certain someone's instagram pulled up.

"Target?"

"That's just what we would call them." Donghyuck shrugs. "This is Park Jisung. I'm sure you've already met him."

"I thought you were mad at Jeno." You say scrolling through the boy's feed. "Why am I going after Jisung?"

"He's the one who asked the dare."

"And I guess I was thinking about what you said. As much as I hate Jeno, I don't think I could do that to him.." He adds quietly.

To his luck, you weren't listening. You were too caught up in stalking Jisung's instagram to even notice that Hyuck was still talking to you. "Sorry, what? Did you say something?" You ask, handing his phone back to him.

"Hmm? Oh, it was nothing."

"So why Jisung?" You ask again.

"You're perfect for him." Donghyuck bluntly states. "The new girl who just moved to town, who also happens to be a sweetheart and a smartass? I don't know about you, but if I were in his position I'd definitely try to shoot my shot, especially if no one knew anything about me." He shrugs.

"He's always goes for the 'soft-innocent' types. The ones that would pretty much never expect it." He adds. "Like I said, he's an asshole."

"So what do you want me to do?"

"I dunno. Break his heart? Crush his hopes and dreams?"

"Donghyuck, seriously." You scold.

"You're no fun." He pouts. "All you have to do is get the boy to fall for you, then break his heart before he can break yours."

"Y'know that sounds a lot easier said than done.." You mumble. "How do you even know that I'll be able to do it?"

"You're the new girl, right? He barely knows anything about you, he can only assume based off of your social media and how you act in class."

"Okay and? What is that supposed to mean?" "It means he wouldn't know if you were putting up an act or not. You'll be fine, you just need to watch out for yourself."

"Okay now what is that supposed to mean?" You ask, wondering if it's too late to back out now.

"Don't catch feelings." He shrugs. "If you find yourself catching feelings for Park Jisung then you need to tell one of us right away. I'm sorry y/n, but as much as I love you I can't put you through that hell."

"So are you up for the challenge?" He asks.

You sigh before sitting up to look at him. "Let's do it."

19 | previous | next | m.list | main m.list | 

✰ how to be a heartbreaker

↳ so what happens when park jisung, the school’s infamous fuckboy runs into the new girl at school? out of boredom he decides it’ll be fun to have someone new to play with, but little does he know, she’s learning how to be a heartbreaker. 

[marvinswriting]

Gut feeling

Prompt: no prompt in this one buddies, just check out bear's borrower!janis au. Like my g/t mg au its something i thought about a lot but never officially put down anywhere, but she did and you fucking bet im gonna write it

This is a long one boys, and there's still more i wanna write lmfao

Think about everything you know about borrowers-

-and throw it out the fucking window.

Yep, fuck your stereotypes. I'm Janis, and yeah I guess your right about the whole tiny-people-who-live-in-walls-and-steal. You're also creepily accurate with your borrower's code (so I wanna know who blabbed. Probably Gretchen, god. I always wonder where she was before this house). I'm sidetracked. Other then that, you guys got it all wrong. 

We are very much aware of the concept of not all humans wanna kill or harm borrowers. Thank you very much. 

We just know most of them do.

And we aren't as rare as you may think. Lots of humans know about borrowers, and you all think we're a dying species or a myth. No. We're just good at what we do, thank you. The goal is to live undetected. It's safer that way.

We also don't live totally alone, isolated in walls. Well, some of us do, and some of us wish we did. (Me, it's me, I hate my roommates.)

I live with Gretchen and Kevin. Won't call them friends, because they're not. We aren't close enough. We keep each other around because we'd go insane without the interaction from others. A borrowers life can be boring and isolated.

Its the total opposite of a human's. When the owners of the house sleep, we're awake doing food runs. When the owners of the house are awake, we're hiding away, tucked in bed.

And for a long time that worked. But then something changed. I think the owners of the house called it 'the school year ended'? Now the boy, Damian- from what we've gathered he's our age. But who knows, it's not like we can just go up and meet him. He definitely seems to be the most sympathetic one of the family. 

The dad kills any fucking bug without even getting a good look, so like- don't get caught with him (not that you wanna get caught with any of them). 

The mom watches a lot of gory sci-fi shows that always end up with the main character in some type of experimental facility so we don't trust her. 

Damian just hides in his room, playing music and singing along. I like it, its harder for us to be heard that way. 

The final member of the household is the fucking cat. Her name is Ariel which is supposedly a reference to some princess, but the only royal she is is a royal pain. Little bitch almost killed me once. 

I'm so off track though. 

Apparently, this 'school year' is over, and now Damian is home all the time. He doesn't have to get up early to leave so he's opted to not sleeping at night at all. Which is just great for us. He doesn't often leave his room, but Gretch, Kevin, and I have to be a lot more careful often resulting in us grabbing a lot less.

I glance around my 'bedroom'. Through the years I like to think it's grown to be decorated nicely. Unlike my two roommates, I pride myself in my living space. I spend most of my time here, so why not. Yeah, I have the necessities, but I also have other things like plants and makeshift art supplies. In the corner of my room is what you could call a bed and a bottle cap nightstand. There's a piece of a mirror hanging. We all found mirror shards and took them, and might I say life hasn't quite been the same since. 

We don't really look at ourselves that often, there aren't many reflective surfaces to do so. Yeah, I'd catch my face staring back at me in my water, or on a shiny surface, but it was never as clear as the mirror. As I look right now, I just look stressed.

Pretty accurate.

I've got a weird feeling about tonight.

"We need food."

"No shit Gretchen." 

Gretchen and I are sitting in our combined space, waiting for Kevin. I'm hesitant to call it a living room because it hardly looks lived in. There are four beer cap chairs (and three of us, it's fucking stupid- I know) a pizza saver as a table, and a bunch of miscellaneous items that haven't found a home yet.

"Hubbards are asleep." Kevin walks out from where he was keeping watch. "The kids light is still on and I couldn't locate the cat, are we sure we want to go out tonight."

"We need food," Gretchen repeats herself.

"We don't have much of a choice," I say, shoving makeshift grappling hooks and double-sided tape into my satchel, and grabbing another bad for food. "We gotta make a big run tonight. We can't guarantee a day by day flow anymore, Damian has to unpredictable of a sleep schedule."

Gretchen makes a noise of agreement, packing up her own things.

Kevin is still peaking out of the exit into the household, worriedly. 

"Janis are you down for that trip tonight? You look stressed as fuck."

I bitterly. "Yeah, I'm just- tired. And hungry. And quite frankly I may be coming down with something."

"They stay away from me," Gretchen says, swinging her bag over her shoulder. "Ready?"

"Let's just grab food and go," Kevin says before spinning around to look at me. "Only food, Janis."

I nod. No point in trying to defend myself when he's not wrong. I have an awful habit of finding something I could use for art and going out of my way to grab it.

But we have priorities tonight. 

We file out into the household, all pressing against the wall. The exit we used lead right to the floor. Its a debate on which was riskier, but I for one, preferred to be higher. Further from the cat and a better view of everything. Kevin mumbled something about keeping watch and made his way over to the island table the Hubbard had. He pulled out his climbing supplies and made his way up as Gretchen and I continued our trek across the floor, waiting to reach the kitchen to get to higher grounds. 

"It hasn't been this hard since we all moved here." Gretchen says quietly, but I understand.

"Yeah." I whisper.

We all moved into this house together maybe two ago. We tell time by the day and the decor around the house. Humans often put of decorations for holidays and it's like marking points though the year. My least favorite holiday happens during the summer. I don't know the name but everything turns red white and blue and there's tons of loud booms and explosions. It kills my ears and sends me into sensory overload every time.

 We've pasted two Christmases. I don't know much about the holiday, but its the most decorated, with fancy trees and cookie crumbs everywhere. A borrower's dream. But it wasn't like that now. It was hot and sticky, food got left out on the counter less. We haven't eaten anything more then the minimum to survive, if you don't count yesterday where we didn't eat at all. 

I was so lost in my thought for food, I almost didn't hear it. Kevin calling out, the patter of paws on the floor-

-oh shit. 

I whirl around just in time to have a paw whacked with my side. 

Cat.

There was no claw, Ariel is here for a game of cat and mouse obviously. Roles already clear. 

That didn't make it hurt less though.

I groan skidding across the floor, curled into myself. 

Gretchen shrieks and runs away, the cat's interest on me.

She left me for fucking dead.

Wow.

Rude, but unsurprising.

I'd fucking bolt too. I wonder if Kevin ran as well. 

My heart stops as the truth of the statement catches up to me. 

I'm gonna die.

I'd like to say there's so much I still haven't done, or that my life had only just begun. But that wasn't true. I live to borrow another day and borrow to live another day. But I was content like that, I don't wanna die.

Ariel stalks towards me again. I sit up and push my self backward, only to find a wall.

Fuck.

I can see Gretchen duck back into the wall out of the corner of my eye, Kevin with her.

To be fair, I'd do the same. I can't bring myself to be too mad.

"Hey, kitty," I say softly, holding my hands out in defense. The cat sits down in front of me, eyes wide and pupils dilated, ready to play. "Ariel, right? Good kitty. I'm not a toy."

Ariel doesn't seem to get the message as she lifts her paw.

No!

"Hey, whatcha got there girl?" A voice comes from behind the cat. 

My blood runs colder than it already was. 

That was to loud to be Gretchen or Kevin, to masculine to be the mom, not deep enough to be the dad-

Hands pull Ariel away despite a mew of protest, leaving me totally exposed in the open. 

Put the cat back I'd rather die that way.

My eyes connect with the boy of the household- Damian. His gaze travels up and down my small form and he lets out breathy 'what?'.

Once again, I know not all humans are bad, but you try not even being four inches call, curled up against a wall with a full ass living moving human standing there. It's a lot.

Damian kneels down so he isn't towering over me but it doesn't feel any better. I push myself closer to the wall, ignoring the pain in my side.

"Are- I uh-" Damian seems as equally at a loss as I am. 

Don't worry buddy, I didn't think I'd be getting caught tonight either.

"Are you okay?"

I can't exactly say I've been caught before, so I don't exactly know the 'this is a bad guy' red flags, but asking about my well being probably isn't one of them. 

"Yeah." I say, shakily. My voice is weak and seems a lot quieter in contrast to the boy's in front of me.

"I'm sorry about her." Damian said, placing the cat down. Ariel glares at me before walking away, clearly bored.

I could tell we were dancing around the important questions. What are you? Why are you so small? What are you doing here?

"My name's Damian."

I almost say 'I know' but believe it or not- I do have manners and hey, this human hasn't killed you yet, don't be rude and give him a reason to.

"Janis." I say, giving a small wave. 

"Janis," Damian repeats like he's testing the name in his mouth. "It's pretty."

"Thank you." I glance around but as I suspected, my roommates did not even attempt to come back. 

"You're a borrower." Damian states. It wasn't a question and his voice sounded sure, but his raised eyebrow told a different story.

"Yeah, we're real, just-" I take a breath. "Uncommon?"

Damian nods. He knew what I was right off the bat which probably means I'll have less explaining to do. It also made me feel safer in a way. It meant he's less curious. Not to mention he has yet to move any closer or invade my space, so I felt okay. I push myself off the wall a bit, trying to ignore how my head spins a bit from lack of nutrients. 

"I'm sorry if I interrupted whatever you were doing. We'll leave if you don't want us here or-"

"No, it's okay. I honestly am glad I stepped in then I did- wait, we?"

Shit.

It was one thing to expose myself, but not I'm mentally hitting myself for exposing Gretchen and Kevin too.

"There are multiple of you?"

"Nonono forget I said anything." I wave my hand as if waving away nonexistent flies. 

Damian looks like he wants to press more but doesn't. "What are you doing out here? It's like, four am."

"It's still early for me. We- I need food." 

Damian's eyes light up. "Of course! Oh my god, I'm so sorry then. Do you-" He pauses. "Do you need help?"

My instinct is to decline but- there hasn't been much food out and Damian seems genuine. Its either die by cat or human. "Yeah, help would be nice."

Damian smiles softly. "Can I pick you up?"

What?

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah. 

Riiiight.

"Yeah, you can." I smile, trying to seem brave about this, but I've never been picked up before. The only time I'm off the ground is with my climbing tools with my fate in my own hands. 

Damian places his hand down next to me, it's huge. The sheer size difference doesn't sink in when somebody is crouched a couple of human feet away from you. 

I step onto his hand regardless, trying not to concentrate on how weird it feels. 

"You ready?" Damian's voice asked from above.

Was I ready?

Why did I think this was a good idea?

I could die right here right now.

I don't know anything about this kid other than his name and his favorite musical soundtrack. 

What if he's bad news?

"Yeah, I'm good." I say, despite my inner turmoil. 

The ground beneath me shifts and as much as I like to think I was mentally prepared, physically I was not as I ungracefully fall backward into Damian's palms.

"You okay?" He asks, freezing. 

He was as nervous as I was.

This sudden realization gave me a bit more confidence in the situation.

"Mhmm," I say, patting the hand beneath me gently. "Thanks."

"Of course." Damian says, and we're moving again. Its a significantly shorter trip from here to the kitchen for Damian. He holds me close to his chest, his fingers curled around me slightly. Its comforting, and contrary to what I expected, I don't feel ready to drop. I can see Ariel curled up contently on the couch, and the entrance to my home from here. One of them at least. I wonder if my roommates are watching or if they're already cleaning out my room. 

Damian places his hand on the table and I get off on my own.

It feels better up here, to be further up. I don't feel as small when Damian steps away. 

"You've made it clear it's just you," He does air quotes. "But how many people do you take food for."

The lie of 'it is only me' is the first thing on my tongue, but I hold it. Damian has done nothing but help me so far and he already knows there's multiple of us. No harm in giving exact numbers.

"Three," I say. "One with a big appetite." I smile as Kevin comes to mind. 

Damian grins. "What do you normally take?"

"Whatever is out." I shrug, glancing around at the table. Just like the past couple of times, the tables were empty.

Damian notices this and is silent for a bit. "I'll have to conveniently forget to put stuff back then." He says quietly. I can't tell if he was talking to me or himself but I smile nonetheless. 

"So, you've never had options?"

"No." I say. It feels weird to admit that. Damian grins. 

"Guess you're in luck. Wait here." He turns around and walks over to a cabinet. Where am I supposed to even go? 

His back isn't turned long enough to let me figure that out, because he soon comes back with two things. "So I brought this because I want you to try it," Its a cookie, I know that much from Christmas, but instead of decorative frosting and sprinkles its dotted with splotches of brown. "It's a chocolate chip cookie. And I brought this for practical reasons." He lifts up a bag. "Its granola and it comes in these little chunks- well for you they'd be big, but you can just break them off as you need!"

I smile at the thoughtfulness. Maybe this kid isn't all bad news. 

He opens the bag and pours a bit into his hand before placing one on the table. Sure enough, a cluster of granola is just big enough to fit maybe two into my bag. I can break off a piece and it will last days (assuming Kevin doesn't go to town).

"Woah." I say softly, picking it up. This is the most food I've ever even been near in one place. 

Damian chuckles as I carefully place the granola into my bag miraculously fitting three. One for each of us. Damian watches me silently, I guess we're both still stying to wrap our heads around the situation. 

"Oh! I almost forgot!" He picks up the cookie breaking off a piece and handing it to me. It's the size of my head but I can just save what's left for later. Damian takes the rest for himself, watching as I silently break a piece off to eat. 

It's grainy but smooth a the same time. Sweet and salty. It's-

"Woah." 

Damian laughs, its loud and sudden, but also contagious.

I giggle a bit as I feel my face flush. I know he's not laughing at me maliciously.

"They're good right?"

"Yeah." 

We fall into silence, and I look around. I've been up on the counters before, but I've always been in a rush, get food, and get out. I've never been this relaxed in the open and certainly never so close to a human. 

I look up at Damian and he smiles. "What are you gonna do now?"

"Huh?"

"I don't know how true the stories are but isn't this where you leave and never come back because you've been caught? I won't tell anyone if you don't want to leave."

He had a point. But- the borrower's code wasn't law. More like- recommended guidelines? I mean, not true at all, but it's not written in stone or anything. Borrower police aren't gonna break in and arrest me or anything.

I think.

Besides, I didn't want to leave. I liked my room and my roommates (not that I'd admit that to them). They don't need to know I met a human. And Damian said he wouldn't tell anyone-

"How do I know I can trust you?"

The question had a lot more of an edge then I expected, but Damian didn't seem to take offense. 

"You don't. But, follow your instincts. I'm not trying to trick you or anything if that's what your thinking."

He did help me get food. Which saved my life. He also saved me from the cat, which saved my life too. Even before he knew I existed, he always seemed to be the nicest Hubbard. Something tells me his word is good.

"I think I'm gonna stay," I say after a while.  "I'll just- never tell my roommates about this. One of them flips over everything. She'd pack in an instant if she knew."

Damian smiled. "I understand if you hope to never see me again and if you wanna just walk away like this never happened, but I'll be sure to leave granola out every once in a while."

I grin. "Thanks, Damian." It felt weird to be so close to a human and already trust them so much. Something deep inside told me that this wasn't the last time we'd see each other, and that's okay.

"I figure you can get down on your own? You don't want me to know where you live or anything."

I shook my head, patting my climbing tools. "I got this from here. Thank you so much for your help."

"Of course, Janis. I'll take Ariel to my room to make sure she doesn't cause any trouble. Maybe I'll see you around, hopefully not under any life or death circumstances though." Damian grins before walking away, leaving me alone in the kitchen. I can hear him call out to the cat followed by padding of paws as a door closes. I almost feel as if I've hallucinated the whole thing, but the weight of the granola in my bag proves to me otherwise. 

I begin to take out a hook and rope while I think of what I'm gonna tell my roommates. Gretchen will flip either way and I don't think Kevin will believe me that I was able to fend off a cat alone, but it's what I have to do if I don't want to move. Besides, deep down I feel like I can trust the teen of the Hubbard household. 

Let's just hope my gut isn't wrong. 

alt title: how borrower janis got hooked on granola tag list!!! @realmisspolarbear @musicallygt @smallsoysauce @sourishlemons

[lishakayrylantcook]

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It's My Eyes Is Nonsense A Dreams In As That's Opportunities, Experience, Dealing, Seventh, Are So More Many Language Nobody I Can't Hardly As A Crazy Aged The USA American Bad News So Bad As I Can't Helping It's Not Them Frist K*lled I Saying Family's And Friend's A Looking

It's Not All Feeling Good/ Badly No But Maybe You "K*lled" More And Less Unfunny Thinking About Of Me Poorly And You're Rich No God's You're So Nothing As A Woman Or Man Who Are You Jesus Help To Me What's Happened Had To You Last Too Slowly So Tired I'll K*lled Cash For Money Wrong People Two-Four Jobs Maybe Six Or Five The Devil's Boss To Lies No Evil Speaking Dare You'd Bug Brats So Bad Much Sickness Insane Y'all As A Dreams I Wasn't Me Many Horrible Nightmares Yearning End Next More Read A Lair Or Trusted Still Of Me Do Not Raped A Woman That's As Man Itself Wrong Meaning Rules And Lawyers Are Crazy As A Nightmares Horrible Hated Of Me 30-40 Years Ago , 100 Years Ago Covid-19 In 2022 Down Is So Bad We're Not Even Wrong About Stupidest Dare R.i.p. That's So Sad It's Very Bad Remembering Asked For Questions As I Wasn't Of Me Gets Out In H3ll Worried About Devil's Drunken Help To Me What's Does Not Jailbreak 24-72/30 Stop It Hours As A Woman It's Very Smarts I'm Bad Guys You're Sicks As I'll Won't Want Be Fighting Pissed It's Off As I Am Deaf B*tch Hated I'll Won't Looking At Me When To Dies, Bad, Dies, Great, Not A Good So Enough It's Very Adulterous And More Highly As I Quite Want Too Bad You're Fried In The Brains Seizures Is Headrests As I Don't Want Seizures Bad A Dreams Without Loss I Says No More Seizures Is Nonsense Rest To Go, I Don't Hearing Anything Is Listens And You're Hired Are You So Good As A Brains Trainings A Exams Read Does Not Us Much Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Does Not Shares Anymore Do Not Sent From Yahoo, AOL, Bing, Google, Deaf Community In Government Or Other ID Company Are You're Not Allowed Annoying Bad Prospective That's Not Businesses Speaking Dare Brats Childhood Scary Time, Time, Time, I'll Time For Longest A Life Feeling Liked Since Ago Was Five, Six, Seven, Eight... History Of Me Differently And Adults I Am Now, I'm 28 And I Am Lisha Kay Rylant-Cook Only Us Globe

Good News And It's My People Good A Real Only Of Me, I Am Jesus Knew It And Thank You It's My Family's And Friend's We're Miss You Too Two I Says No More Crazy Person Fox News, TV Watching And Movies Films, At Least Once Or Twice What's Are You Talking About Friends Public To View More...I Unacceptable, I Don't Understand, Dumb, Dummy, Smarts, People Are You Frustrated So Bad Person

PLEASE LET'S LEAVE THIS AWAY FROM OF ME AS JUST A MOMENTS NOTICE FOR BOOKSTORE AND THE FUTURE OF MY LIFE REST TO LOVING AND Gossip Bad, Blah, Blah, Blah, I Can't Talking About I Can Talking (Beep) Hurting It's My Hearts And Pound Of Me, As I Am Jesus Sorry It's Very Strongest You're In Me Anyway TTYL

[damonsbitchx]

I'm really tired and I'm definitely crazy but all of them for the number ask thing

Holy shit Esther, okay. Um thanks lol You’re awesome, I love you so much omg.

Answers below the cut bc I’m feeling nice tonight.

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

1. “How Does A Moment Last Forever” - Kevin Kline (Beauty and The Beast)

2. “Belle” - Emma Watson, Luke Evans, Ensemble (Beauty and The Beast)

3. “Make You Miss Me” - Sam Hunt

4. “Beauty And The Beast” - Ariana Grande & John Legend (Lol Beauty and The Beast)

5. “Impossible” - James Aurthur

6. “Aria” - Audra McDonald (Beauty and The Beast)

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Um lets see Jared Padalecki, my soulmate @the-thirteenthhour, tumblr mom Morgan @assbutt-still-in-hell, and a whole lot of my other Tumblr peeps

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“It was unsettling to watch.”

4) What do you think about most?

I think the thought that pops into my head the most is “keep fighting.” I think about it a lot.

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

I think someone wrote a song about me once, but they said they lost the paper and I never got to see it. Other than that, I don’t think so.

6) Do you have any strange phobias?

Um yeah, spiders, clowns, spiders, clowns, and did I mention SPIDERS AND CLOWNS?

7) What’s your religion?

I’m a cradle Catholic.

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

I’m most likely sitting out side for some peace and quiet. Whether it’s snowing, sunny, and especially when it’s raining, I’ll just sit outside and close my eyes.

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Well I’m not really big on bands or anything, but I really like Panic At The Disco.

10) What was the last lie you told?

I don’t remember

11) Do you believe in karma?

Yeah, but I dont like to let her have all the fun, y’know?

12) What does your URL mean?

Sam Winchester is a reason that I’m alive. Therefore, it’s kind of an answer to a question. “Why are you alive?” - “Because Sam Winchester.”

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

I think my greatest weakness is how in touch with my emotions I am, it can be problematic at times. I think my greatest strength is my ability to listen and understand people, which in turn, allows me to effectively give advice.

14) Who is your celebrity crush?

JARED PADALECKI

15) How do you vent your anger?

I usually go for a walk or cry it out by myself. If I ever vent to someone then you know I’ve reached my limit.

16) Do you have a collection of anything?

I had a collection of plastic horse toys, kind of like Breyers, but I gave them to my sister. 

17) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

I’m not completely content with who I am yet, but I am working on it. I’m happy with how far I’ve come though.

18) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

I hate the sound of people chewing and sniffing all their snot in, instead of blowing it out like a sensible person ????? I love the sound of rain and thunder storms, I also love the sound of violins and wire string guitars.

19) What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if one day I’m not strong enough to fight anymore?

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

22) Smell the air. What do you smell?

Idk what it is, but it’s got a slightly sweet smell. I think it’s Raspberry Jam.

23) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

One of the worst places I’ve been was probably the wake of my baby niece when I was real small. I can’t remember anything else.

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?

The most attractive male singers I’ve ever heard sing are obviously Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki.

25) To you, what is the meaning of life?

Idk about meaning, I don’t know if life has a meaning. I do think everyone has a purpose though.

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

I don’t drive yet. Too lazy to get my permit lol as well as the fact that where I live you have to log 100 hours behind the wheel with an adult present in order to get your license unless you’re 18, I am not.

27) What was the last movie you saw?

I’m watching Moana right now.

28) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

I tore my ACL (a ligament at the back of the knee) a year ago.

29) Do you have any obsessions right now?

Supernatural, Tumblr, writing, singing, Disney Movies, the ocean, Jared Padalecki/Sam Winchester, acting.

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Yep

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

I hold grudges for a while, but after so long it gets tiring and pointless. However, if one does not seek forgiveness before I get tired of holding a grudge, they will be cut out of my life. I don’t need that negativity just because you’re too full of yourself to apologize for whatever you did.

32) What is your astrological sign?

Sagittaius

33) What’s the last thing you purchased?

I purchased a thing of Ocean themed earrings.

34) Love or lust?

Love

35) In a relationship?

Yeah, with Netflix. 

36) How many relationships have you had?

None

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

I am very good at reading people, so I lay low for a while and watch. Once I get a good feel for someone I can adjust my personality to fit theirs. It’s why I get along with so many different kinds of people.

38) Where is your best friend?

I have a few. One of them is an entire state away. One of them lives 5 minutes from me, the other two live about 20-25 minutes from me. At this moment, I don’t know specifically where any of them are.

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Sleeping

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Yeah, sometimes. 

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Save the dog. I’ll explain it to my boss and if they fire me I can find a new job. I can always find a new job, but that one life is the only one the dog will get. Also, I’m just a big softy.

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

(a) I don’t think I would tell anyone, at least not immediately. I wouldn’t want to be treated like I’m dying during my last days. I suppose I could tell a few very close people though, I just don’t want to be smothered.

(b) I would drop all the unnecessary responsibilities I have and start doing things that I want to do, but subtly. Still don’t want to be treated like I’m dying.

© I don’t know if I would be afraid. I like to think I wouldn’t, I might just be more sad than afraid. Sad to think about my friends and family having to live without me, sad I won’t get to do half the things I always dreamed of doing.

43) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

“Brother” - NEEDTOBREATHE ft. Gavin DeGraw 

&

“Simple Man” - Cover by Jensen Ackles

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

A great romantic relationship should consist of communication, understanding, and honesty. Boundaries should be respected, you should always admit when you are wrong and never leave the house or go to sleep mad at each other. The mindset should be best friends before lovers. You should always want what is best for your partner, but always remember to care for yourself too.

45) How can I win your heart?

It’s pretty easy. If you can make me laugh, but also take part in a deep, soul-searching conversation we’re practically married. 

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Absolutely

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

The single best decision I’ve made in my life so far was learning to take care of me first.

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

“Don’t worry bitches, I’ll be back.” Probably not that, but I think it would be funny. Maybe something more like “Here lies: Your mom…. lol jk it’s just me, [insert full name]”

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “heart.”

All that came to mind was Sam Winchester. *shrug*

50) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?

Green

51) What is your current desktop picture?

A sea turtle

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

I’d say probably this kid named Billy who goes to my church. If you met him you would know why.

53) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

Oh god, okay well a lot of the time I would be afraid to tell the truth when people ask me if I’m okay. lol but don’t go asking me if I’m okay or anything after you read this cause that’s not cool.

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Oh, hell yeah, I would totally want super strength or laser eyes.

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

I think I would relive the half-hour chunk of time from my 5th birthday party when me and my best friend at the time were outside in the cold November fog riding a miniature pony. There were other kids there, but only her and I were excited about it and I would honestly give anything to go back a relive that innocent bliss.

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

I think I would erase having to lose my horse just March of this year.

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

I would probably sleep with Demi Lovato or Sabrina Carpenter. This is kind of a hard question because usually I only know singers for their music, not their looks or anything.

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Obviously, I’d go to see my soulmate. Although, I would have to be strategic about this. I think i would drive to go get her and then buy her ticket (bc mine’s free) and we’d go see mom. ( @assbutt-still-in-hell )

59) Ever been on a plane?

No, I don’t really want to, but I probably will at some point.

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities.

1. Jared Padalecki

2. Jensen Ackles

3. Misha Collins

4. Gal Gadot

5. Ian Somerhalder (and Genevieve Padalecki, why tf do I only get 5????)

What can I say except you’re WELCOME! Thanks for the questions, they only took me an hour and half to do lol.

[myheartbelongstochrist]

I know we will never be perfect. Even after we surrender our life to God, we sin. We'll never achieve perfection, but we will always have God's love and grace. I'm struggling with a certain sin after being, what I felt like, completely healed from and overcome. And now I'm slipping away from God and delving deeper into the sin and then surrendering it over and then doing it again. I almost feel like I'm back to who I was before I was saved. I know that is a lie but I just feel really confused.

Don’t be so hard on yourself love. It’s good that you are able to recognize the seriousness of your sin. But don’t let the guilt of falling back into the same sin trap you. The devil will use that guilt & get you stuck & going nowhere. 

I think what always helps me when I start to feel like that is remembering all the people in the Bible who struggled with sin yet even in their imperfections, God still did amazing things. Paul is one of those people. & this is not to give us excuses or remove that guilt we feel. But looking at someone like Paul, whom I consider a great man of God, & seeing him struggle & wrestle with sin & confessing it to God & allowing God to work in him & through him & change his heart. It really gives me hope that my heart, our hearts, can be changed too.

Paul writes in Romans 7:15: “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.” & he’s just being so real. Here we see him struggling & questioning why he keeps doing the things he does. He hates that he keeps finding himself in the same sins over & over again, how he keeps finding himself back where he was before. 

Then in verses 16-20 he writes: “But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.” & I don’t think he blames the sin in him as an excuse, I really think it’s because he wants to remind us that we are all born into sin. That we all struggle with sin. 

So what do we do now? How do we beat that sin that we thought we beat? Jesus said in John 16:33 “Take heart, I have overcome the world.” All these sins we struggle with? Christ experienced it & he overcame it. & in him, we too can overcome the sin that so easily entangles us. 

So how do we allow Christ to work in us to free us? They always say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. But I want to take that a little step further & tell you…that thing you’re struggling with? Call it sin. I think sometimes we baby ourselves or baby others & say “oh I’m struggling with something” or “oh it was a mistake.” No, call it sin because that’s what it is. “Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.” (where my Harry Potter fans at? Haha!). Ok but in all seriousness. Call it sin. Sin is a serious thing. Sin is why Jesus was nailed to that cross.

Next. Ask yourself. Are you the one trying to overcome the sin on your own? Because guess what? You can’t. If we could fix ourselves, then there’s no point in the Gospel. But God made a way for us, He gave us a way out: Jesus. So take that sin & lay it down at the foot of the cross & cry out to God “GOD I CAN’T DO THIS. I TRIED & I TRIED & I CANT OVERCOME THIS SIN. IVE DONE EVERYTHING I COULD & I THOUGHT I BEAT IT BUT IT KEEPS CREEPING BACK INTO MY LIFE & IM TIRED & I CANT DO THIS. I CANT FIGHT THIS. GOD FIGHT THIS BATTLE FOR ME. ” See, God already won the war. Sin & death were defeated when Christ died on that cross. So let God work in you, let the Holy Spirit take over. Because once you surrender it all to God, sin will not win in the end.

Ok now that you’ve named it sin, surrendered it to God & asked Him to fight the battle for you, confess it to someone else. In James 5:16 “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” I know! I know it’s crazy! But you keeping this battle all to yourself is insane. You will lose. You need God & you need to allow God to use others to help you & to pray for you & to keep you accountable. Is it scary to let someone know your deepest darkest secrets? Heck yeah! But it’s also freeing. It’s freeing to know that someone is walking with you & praying with you & carrying the burden with you. That’s what the church is for. That’s what other brothers & sisters in Christ are for.

& the last thing I want to encourage you to do. When you’re struggling with that sin. When it’s keeping you up at night. When the temptation arises to fall back into that sin. Fix your eyes on Jesus. Replace those sinful thoughts with things above. “Therefore, since you have been raised with Christ, strive for the things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:1-3). 

Is it going to be easy? No. Will you continue to tempted with this same sin over & over again? Yes. Is your situation hopeless? No. Why? Because we have Jesus.