#“well come and well met my brave little spark” i will SOB

[koukouture]

"Elysia, sweet daughter of mine, should you find your life without meaning, should you find yourself feeling unworthy of love- allow me to relieve you of such fears. My love is with you always, my champion."

Venat is so motherly I could cry tbh. Mama is so pretty too- and Elysia's dress matches all her veils and ruffles :3. Anyways, Venat was in fact, my Azem's (surrogate) mother. So seeing Elysia struggle in a lot of the same ways that Azem did really hits Venat hard, so she'd like to speak to her more often as mother and daughter than goddess and champion.

[darkmoonravewolf]

Flow is such a good song and I want to draw something with Siffrin and thier mom themed around it but I'm such a sentimental bitch that even though its been 3 years, I still cry listening to it

[boldlyvoid]

can u do a blurb about reader wanting a baby and asking her co-worker Spencer to be the donor because he's smart and nice and she wants a cute baby?

you said blurb and i read 2K word fic apparently lmao

Late nights behind a desk were the worst. Y/N hated reading over case file, after case file, of horrific things as she tried to choose where they went next.

The only plus side was that she wasn’t alone, Spencer was at his desk just beside her. Like he always was. They had an interesting friendship, to say the least.

Ever since Y/N joined the BAU, Spencer and her were glued at the hip. They had all the same interests, liked the same music and movies, and they spat out information the same way, they were like each other’s dorky other half— but it was just a friendship.

They had a tradition to watch at least one movie together after a case, to just chill for a bit together. Always randomly picking one of their apartments to go to, spending the night together until one of them eventually wandered off to bed. Leaving the other on the couch.

They weren’t aware of their feelings for each other for a while. Both of them being so used to being alone, and never having anyone be interested in them before. It was hard to understand if the feelings they had were pure friendship, or if it could ever be more. If the sex would fuck everything up and take away that perfect happy place they found in each other, or would it make the bond stronger?

She noticed the crush before Spencer showed any signs of liking her back. She woke up every morning thinking of him, that's when she came to the conclusion that it was more than just a friendship. She wanted him in her life forever, she wanted to kiss his perfect lips and hug his soft body, wake up beside his messy hair and just love him for the rest of eternity.

She sighed as she picked up another file, not excited to learn about the horrible acts taking place in what people called, “the best country in the world.” She’d disagree any day of the week.

This one was a file about some missing kids apparently being spotted in a van altogether in Georgia, it looked interesting enough to be the next case. She hated reading all the info, seeing every kid's happy face in the file knowing that’s not how they looked now.

“Good god,” she groaned as she flipped through the case.

“What’s wrong?” Spencer asked over the divider.

“Nothing,” she shrugged, “just a bad case.”

She handed it to him over the desk, hearing him flip through all the sheets as he read a million words a minute. “We should show this to Emily first thing,” Spencer agreed, pushing himself over to her desk in his wheely chair.

“I will,” she smiled softly, taking the file back from him and placing it on her desk.

Spencer stood then, making his way into her space and rubbing his hand over her back slightly. “Are you okay?”

She sighed, “actually. no, I was telling Garcia I want to have a baby soon, and then I see things like this and I’m scared to do it alone but I don’t have any other option?” Ranting to him like he was her therapist.

“What do you mean?”

She turned in her chair to look up at him, his soft brown eyes really caring to hear the answer. “Sit,” she insisted.

He pulled the chair over more, sitting close enough that their knees touched. “I’m 36, I’m not having any luck finding a husband or a wife, I want a baby and if I have to do it myself I will, but what if I’m not enough? What if I have a boy and he grows up to be a killer cause he never had a dad?”

“Y/N,” Spencer’s voice was soft as he looked at her with a confused scrunch on his face. “That couldn’t happen, you’re a wonderful person, I love having you on the team and in my life, I know you’d raise good kids, you should do it.”

“Really?” She beamed at him, the words touching her heart and making her swoon a bit.

“I mean, it would be hard,” he added reason to the conversation. “You’d have to take time off, which would be good for bonding. My mother raised me alone and I turned out semi-fine, I don't hold any resentment for her not finding someone for me to call dad or even step-mom for that matter. I think if you give them all the love in the world like I know you’re capable of, your child will love you like you’re their whole world.”

She laughed as she noticed the tears welling in her eyes, waving her hand's in front of her face so she wouldn’t fully sob. “Do you want to be the donor?” She made a joke to change the topic.

Spencer laughed then too, “sure!”

Everything got serious again then, she looked at him a little differently. “Really? Cause honestly, you’re like a Grade A donor profile in the most expensive clinic!” She couldn’t help herself from laughing again at the absurdity.

“I’ve always wanted to be a dad, 40 isn’t too old to have a child, is it?” He seemed to have decided that rather fast.

“Okay,” she nodded with a smile, “okay. That’s cool, sick,” she felt the words get smaller as she thought it over.

“I get it if you were kidding,” Spencer spat out. “I realize now that you might have been making a joke, I hope it’s not weird that I agreed so fast, it’s just that I think you’re a very beautiful and smart woman and the idea of helping you make a child makes me really excited. I think it would be a very good idea if you were being serious, but I get it if you’re not.”

She let him get it all out, always loving when he got like this on a case or in person, nervous or just because he wanted to talk, she loved to listen. And no one ever let him finish his thoughts, always wanting to beat him to the punch.

“Spence, I think you’re really handsome and smart too,” she smiled. “If you’re also serious, I am too.”

“How would we?” He asked as he pulled at the top button of his dress shirt, swallowing like he couldn't breathe all of a sudden.

“If you’re not opposed, I’m sure the good old-fashioned way would work?” She laughed, laying her hand on his knee softly.

It was like sparks flew at that moment as if all the fluorescent lights in the bullpen could have exploded and she wouldn’t have even noticed. Captivated by Spencer's eyes as he gasped at her touch.

“Not opposed in the slightest,” he said softly as he held his own hand over hers.

She couldn’t help herself from smiling. “Well, I think I’m all done here if you want to come to my place for a movie?”

“Sure,” he replied, offering her a hand as they stood up together.

He returned his chair to his desk, both of them grabbing their coats and bags and rejoining at the door.

“I should go say goodnight to Penny,” Y/N said softly. “Wanna come?”

“Yeah,” he followed her through the door and down the hall to the tech room.

“Knock knock,” Y/N said as she walked through the open door. “Oh great and knowledgeable one, I’ve come with my nightly farewell.”

“Oh my knight, I shall miss you,” Penelope played along, sauntering over to her and wrapping her up in a hug. “I leave you with this until your return.”

“Through scorching deserts, and blistering winds, I will make it back to you, always,” she tried not to laugh as she hugged her back. “I also brought forth the jester.”

Spencer was laughing in the doorway as the two of them looked at him, “hi?”

“The pretty boy, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Um,” Y/N smiled, “Spencer and I are just going back for our nightly movie.”

Penelope looked at both of them, jaw slightly gaped, “nightly? I thought it was a case by case thing?”

“It’s a good excuse for us to talk,” Spencer smiled at her.

“Mhmm,” she smirked, “well have fun.”

She pulled Y/N back into another hug, hiding her face from Spencer, “I need all the dirty deets in the morning.”

Y/N smacked her arm softly as she pulled back, “goodnight pretty penny.”

“Farewell brave knight, handle with care, Jester,” Penelope pointed her finger at him, giving him a knowing glance.

“Yes, oh Knowledgeable one, always,” he blushed.

He reached out his hand for Y/N, interlocking their fingers as they left her office and headed towards the elevator. A rare moment of bravery on his part, holding hands like this didn’t spread a lot of germs.

“We’re going to have to discuss a lot of logistics like realistically this isn’t going to be just a fuck and oh look its a baby. This is a real live baby that we need to raise and care for,” she reminded him as the elevator doors shut.

“I’d like to be as involved as you’d let me be,” Spencer replied. “I don’t have to be 'dad' to them, I could be uncle Spence that’s fine too.”

“Oh no, you’d be Dad for sure,” she nudged him slightly. “I mean like, weekends and holidays and birthdays, your mom will want to see them surely, my parents will want to see them. Housing,” she looked at him horrified. “I have an apartment with 2 bedrooms, I don’t think I could let them sleep somewhere without me.”

“I have been looking at houses,” Spencer added before the doors opened to the garage, “you’re driving right?”

“Yeah, you were saying?” She replied, digging her keys out of her purse and leading him towards the car.

“Derek Morgan, I’m not sure if you’ve met him yet, he fixes up old homes in DC and Virginia now. He just finished one and I helped him with it. I think I’m going to buy it from him. It has 4 bedrooms, we could all live under the same roof? It would be easier to co-parent.”

She was amazed at how fast he adapted to this as if he’d been having the same thoughts she was having. At a certain point wanting kids becomes a pipe dream filled with desperation and emptiness, he looks like he’s experienced it too.

She opened her door and sat down before replying to him again. Thinking about how wonderful he was going to be during this process, “thank you, Spencer.”

“For what?” He asked as they both closed their doors.

She sighed, relaxing into her seat as she started the car. She turned to him softly, not wanting to cry as she spoke softly. “Being a mom is more of a dream to me than joining the BAU was, this is the best gift you could give me.”

He reached his hand out again, holding it softly. Running his thumb over her knuckles. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“Yeah,” she nodded softly.

He couldn’t make eye contact with her, staring at their hands as he rubbed her skin.

“Um, I’ve been pretty infatuated with you since you joined,” he let it out finally. Like a ton of bricks off his back he relaxed a bit, “after everything with Maeve, Cat and Max… oh god, and JJ... I was so worried that if I got too close to you I’d lose you. I tried to keep the feelings in, that's why I said what I did to Penelope. She knows how I feel about you.”

It was like fireworks were going off in her chest as the butterflies erupted inside of her. She sat up, turning to him more and ripping her hand from his grasp.

It startled him, he looked at her anxiously as if she was going to yell at him. But she placed both hands on his cheeks and pulled him into a kiss.

His arms snaked around her waist, wishing they could get closer if it wasn’t for the damn centre console of her car. Pressing their lips together, hard, as they breathed each other in. Desperation taking control, she wasn’t able to let go of him.

When she finally did pull away, however, the look on his face was priceless. Like expensive art, every line and freckle had a meaning. He was surprised, enamoured, grateful, desperate for more.

She smiled softly, rubbing her thumbs over his cheek. “Good, cause it would be awkward having your baby and not getting to love you every day too.”

taglist: @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria @spookyspence @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @samuel-de-champagne-problems @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @calm-and-doctor

[gotnofucks]

Golden Cage

Pairing: soft!dark!Andy Barber x Reader

Summary: You asked Andy to take your case and he asked for you to give yourself to him as payment. (18+ ONLY!!)

Words: 6.3k (lmao sorry)

WARNINGS: dub con, blackmail, coercion, possessive behavior, bad smut, slight angst. SPOILERS FOR DEFENDING JACOB!

A/N: Kinda blurred boundaries here.

MASTERLIST

 ---------------------------------------------------------------

You needed more concealer or the only way you’d be going out in public would be with turtlenecks. Andy loved to leave marks on your neck and the rest of the body, and he hated you covering them up. The moment you would come back, the first thing he does is drag you to the bathroom to wipe the makeup off and bare your bruises to his eyes. They were marks of his ownership over you, and they reminded you both of the truth: You belonged to him.

Your life took a turn nearly a year ago when your brother was accused of third-degree murder of his colleague. The case was pretty much a public trial and the scandal rocked your world. Not only did your brother get arrested, but you lost your job too by means of association. You knew your brother was innocent, he would never hurt a fly let alone a human being. But try as you might, you couldn’t get a lawyer to represent him. That’s when Andrew Barber stepped into your life.

Having left prosecution and taking up defense cases, Andy and you met in the police station where you had gone for some information. You were filling a form talking to an aid, the only one who seemed to sympathize with you when Andy walked in. The lady had pointed at him and said, “If anyone could have won a case like yours, it would be him. As an ADA, Andrew Barber never lost a case and he carried that record as a defense lawyer too. But he’s very selective in his cases and well…expensive too”.

You had looked up and followed her gaze and words, a tiny spark of hope lighting in you. After you had hastily filled your form, you waited outside the station hoping you could catch Andy leaving and plead your case to him. When he came out, you waited until he reached his car to approach him.

“Excuse me, Mr. Barber?”, You said, twisting your fingers in the hem of your shirt. He turned to look at you in question.

“Yes?”

“Uh, my name is Y/n Y/l/n.” You said and Andy’s eye flashed with recognition of your last name.

“How can I help you Miss Y/l/n?” His voice had a tinge of pity because he knew what you were going through. He’d been through it himself and lost everything in that battle.

“I’m sure you’ve heard of my brother’s case Mr. Barber. I need all the help I can get. He’s innocent. I know he is innocent! Would you please help me?” You were ready to leave your dignity and kneel in front of him if you had to. Your brother was your whole world and you were ready to sacrifice everything for him.

Andy sighed. He looked at you silently before reaching into his pocket and handing you his card.

“Make an appointment for tomorrow, okay? I’ll see what I can do, but no promises. Bring all the files you have on the case and anything else that you think might be of help.”

You’d arrived at the appointment ladened with a huge box of papers. You were surprised when you were told to meet Andy at his house and not his office, but you saw no reason to complain. His house was huge and cozy, but recent changes were visible. Empty bolts on the wall showed recently removed pictures and you quickly recalled the story about the Barber’s scandal you’d read on the net last night. It was a nasty business and you knew deep in your bones that Andy could help you and your brother because he had personal experience with something like this.

“Would you like a drink?”, Andy asked you, taking a seat across from you in his kitchen.

“Just some water please”, You answered, nervously looking at him. He had forgone his business formal inside his home and was wearing a button up with dark jeans. He handed you a glass of water and then motioned to the files in front of you.

“May I?” He asked and you nodded, sliding them over to him and sipped your water.

Andy looked over the papers for quite a long time, his brow furrows. He took out a small notepad and scribbled something on it between his reading, one finger tracing his beard. You looked at him anxiously, trying to decipher his reaction. If you could convince him to take the case, then all hope was not lost for your brother.

After going home last night you had read everything you could about Andrew Barber, and pity had swelled in your heart for him like an ocean. This brave man had lost more than his good name in the society. His ex-wife Laurie was in prison in the attempted murder of their 15-year-old son Jacob, who was still recovering from the injuries inflicted to him by his mother. How Andy could still manage a normal life with work was a wonder. He was only in his 30s to have gone through something so traumatic and you hoped that once this case was over, you could rise from the ashes like him.

After taking a good look at the papers, Andy finally put them down and leaned back on his chair, folding his arms against his chest. You looked at him nervously, chewing on your lip as you waited for him to speak. His gaze lingered for a moment on your lips before meeting your eyes.

“May I please call you Y/n?” He asked and you nodded. “Y/n, I wouldn’t say that this is an easy case. You know it isn’t. Evidence is heavily stacked against your brother.”

“But?”

“But it’s not completely hopeless either. There are loopholes, a lot of them in fact. A lot of evidence is mostly circumstantial, and if we can find some experts to recreate the murder scene digitally, we might be able to prove that your brother is innocent. The stab wound is near the heart, a difficult place to lodge the knife in since you need to get through the rib cage. The murder weapon was quite deep inside the body, meaning a lot of force has been used. I’ve seen your brother’s pictures and just read his reports.” Andy smiled a little. “He certainly doesn’t look like someone strong enough to make this kill wound, especially since there are signs of struggle which would make it even more difficult.”

You looked at him with your mouth parted, eyes wide and hoping. Your heart was beating widely in your chest and you wet your lips before speaking.

“So, there is a chance he will get off?”, You asked.

“I think if we play the right strategy and work things out, there is a chance he might get off.”

You almost lunged across the table and hugged the man. Unbidden, tears stinged your eyes and you sniffled, trying to keep them from rolling down your cheeks. Andy got up and walked around to your side before handing you a tissue. You dabbed your eyes and looked at him with gratitude in your eyes.

“Thank you. Thank you so much.”, you sobbed. He patted your back until you calmed down and then sat down beside you. It was only then that another thought hit you. Lawyers like Andy Barber didn’t come cheap. You were so focused on helping your brother you had no idea how you’d pay what you were sure would be thousands of dollars to him.

“Mr. Barber, about the-” You started to say but he cut you off by raising a hand.

“Call me Andy, we’ll be spending lot of time together solving this one. And about payment, don’t worry. I know how difficult a position you are in right now. We can talk money later, after things are a little more sorted.” His words were soft, and you immediately protested.

“I can’t do that. I can’t take advantage of your kindness like that. I’ll write you a cheque, though the next one may take a while. Please, I’ll get the money.” Now that there was a chance to get your brother out, you’ll do anything. You’ll take another job, sell your crappy apartment and car too if you had to. Anything to get your baby brother back under your roof, safe and sound.

“Please Y/n, I insist. We can talk payments later. Right now, we should focus on your brother.” You looked at Andy and murmured a small thanks and he asked you what you’d like for lunch so you can discuss the case over it.

And so, it went. Almost every day after work, you sped down to Andy’s house straight and talked over the case. The scheduled visit with your brother went well and Andy was sure the experts he had hired could give conclusive evidence to how your brother’s body type didn’t match that of the murderer. Over the next few weeks, you became consumed in this battle for justice, and every second of the day you thanked your lucky stars for Andy who became your rock. He always knew just the right thing to say, and more often he was like a friend who heard you out. When things got too difficult and you felt like you were being crushed under the pressure, he would comfort you by ways of a hot mug of coco.

The case progressed smoothly and by the time Andy made the closing arguments, you were sure your brother will be coming home with you. Everyone was right, Andrew Barber was a court room wizard and you saw him in action. The night that your brother came back, you invited Andy and Jacob to dinner. You saw Jacob frequently when you were at the Barber’s and you got along with him nicely. It hurt you to know that a boy so young had to deal with so much in his life, but he still smiled and went on with his life.

Throughout the dinner, your brother thanked Andy incessantly, almost bowing down. There was laughter under your roof the likes of which you didn’t know would ever come back. After eating, your brother and Jacob departed to play some video games and you held Andy back.

“Can we talk?”, you asked him and motioned him away from the living room to the small room you used as a study. He nodded and followed you, closing the door behind you.

“Everything okay?” He asked

“Andy, I can’t thank you enough for what you have done for me. You’ve been so kind and nice to me I feel completely indebted to you. I know you’ve been skirting around the money issue, but please, you need to let me pay you.” It was true. Anytime you brought up the topic of his payment he had changed the subject. You thought it had to do with the fact that your relationship was more than just attorney-client and more like friends and it made him uncomfortable to take money from you.

“I don’t want your money, Y/n”, Andy said firmly.

“Why the hell not? I don’t want your charity Andy. You’re my friend, and you helped me get back everything I thought I would lose. I don’t think I can ever repay you for your kindness, and money is the least I can do. Please”

Andy looked at you for moment before moving to stand right in front of you.

“I don’t want your money.” He repeated. “But you can repay me a different way.”

You looked at him speechlessly, not following. He raised a hand and gently moved a strand of your hair behind your ears.

“Andy…” You whispered.

“I don’t want your money. I want you.” He said and placed his hands on your waist, bringing you closer. Your heart beat a furious rhythm against your chest, and you forgot how to breath for a moment.

“I – what? I don’t understand” You said, trying to move away from him but he would let up. His hands tightened around you and kept you in place.

“I want you. I want you to be mine.” He said and your eyes widened. You pushed against his chest, needing to create some distance between you. You had not seen this coming. Never had you felt any untoward advances from him, he never touched you wrong. Hell, he didn’t even hug you for an unnecessary amount of time. Your relationship was the very definition of platonic. At least, that’s what you thought.

“Andy, what’s wrong with you. I thought we were friends. Please, let me go.” You said and surprisingly he released you and walked back a couple steps.

“We are friends, but I want more than that. I have wanted that for months, but I didn’t say because you had enough on your plate. I don’t want you going back to your house at night when you visit me. I want you under my roof, inside my bed and under me. Look how good you’re with Jacob too. We will be great together.”

You gaped at him and stumbled to a chair and sat down.

“I will not be your personal whore, Andy Barber!” You sneered at him and he started, shaking his head. He came and knelt before your feet, taking your hands in his.

“That’s not what I said at all. I would never do that to you.” He vehemently disagreed. “I want someone to love and cherish, I want a family. I know you can give it to me.”

You tried to jerk your hands out of his, but he held them fast.

“I’m sorry about how this is going. I wasn’t planning on talking about this tonight. But you forced my hand. I want you Y/n, and I will have you. Even if I had asked you out, I know you would have said no because you want to work and provide for your brother. Isn’t that true?” He asked.

He was right. You didn’t plan on dating anyone, anytime soon. You had to focus on your career and there was no place for a man in your life no matter how nice he was.

“You said I gave you back your life. You said you want to repay me. This is what I want. You.” He pressed a kiss on your hands and looked intently in your eyes.

“And what if that’s something I don’t want?” You asked.

Andy’s eyes darkened and he glared at you. He had spent months working tirelessly on your brother’s case and been nothing but a gentleman. He didn’t see any reason why you shouldn’t want him.

“In that case, I’ll make you want me.” He said. “I will never do anything to hurt you, trust me. But I can create situations where the only person who can help you will be me. You’ll run right back into my arms. I – I don’t want to do anything bad. I just want you. Be mine.”

He didn’t say it explicitly, but you got his meaning loud and clear. He’s an influential person, he could do any number of things to force your hand. He had been kind to you till now, but if you gave him reason to be cruel, he will be. This man could very well take away everything he gave you and you both knew that.

Later that night after Andy and Jacob left, you told your brother you want to move in with Andy. He was shocked by the suddenness of the news and you fed him some cock and bull story about falling for each other during the trial and not wanting to keep it a secret now that he was out of prison. Your brother was happy for you, telling you that he’s glad you’ve found someone like Andy who would always protect you. You agreed, Andy would always protect you from the world. But there was no one who could protect you from him.

A week later you moved into Andy’s house. Jacob greeted you at the door and took your stuff inside, apologizing that he couldn’t stay long as he’s spending the weekend at a friend’s. Your heart sank at the thought of being alone with Andy for the next two days. You hadn’t spoken much since he all but forced you to into living with him. You saw Andy in the kitchen, setting up the table and wiping the counters. He painted an utterly domestic figure, walking barefoot in his sweats and T-shirt. Seeing you arrive he smiled and moved closer to kiss your cheek and hug you.

“Welcome home, sweetheart”, He whispered in your ear, holding you close and pressing his forehead to yours. Your hands lay limp at your side and you tried to give a small smile and not push back. You heard an awkward cough from behind you and realized Jacob was fake gagging and giving his father a cheeky grin.

“Can you two like, not do this when I’m here?”, He teased and earned a playful swat from his father.

“You get out of here and don’t cause too much trouble.”, Andy said, and Jacob gave a thumbs up and wink to you both and hurried out. You heard the door shut and your hands became sweaty now that you were alone with Andy after a week. No sooner had Jacob departed that Andy’s hands cupped your face and he pressed a searing kiss on your lips. He put a hand behind your head and coaxed your mouth open, deepening the kiss and moaning. You put your hands around his wrists, closing your eyes.

“Come on, kiss me back like a good honey.” Andy said and you forced yourself to respond. His kisses were like molten fire, all passion and heat that lay over you like a warm blanket. Pulling away, Andy kissed your forehead and eyelids and then just looked at you. His eyes were blown wide and dark, his lips red and moist. You gulped as he kept his eyes on you, drinking in your sight in his arms. He hadn’t touched you that night at your place. Didn’t even kiss you. But now that you were here all alone with him, under his roof…you suppressed a shudder.

“I’m so glad you’re finally here. Come, dinner’s ready.” He led you over to the table and pulled out a chair for you. He sat beside you and filled your plate with your favorite dishes. You thanked him, eating quietly, and wondering what would happen to you tonight. Going by the way Andy’s hand was creeping up on your thigh, you knew you were in for a long night. Andy talked throughout dinner about his day and cranky clients. He shared things like a husband would to his wife and you resisted the urge to bolt out of his house. You made small noises of acknowledgment, too nervous to actually speak. There was much you wanted to ask about how things will progress from now.

“I’ve emptied one side of the closet. You can unpack tomorrow and then we can go shopping for whatever else you might need. We’ll ask Jake to click some pictures to hang around too. The walls are so bare now. Maybe a family portrait in the hall above?”

Your fork clattered to your plate as you heard him talk and you stared at him in disbelief. You’d been hear barely an hour and he was planning your life in a way that gave you chills. With every word he spoke, every plan he had, you felt like he added another bar to your prison.

“Andy, I think I should stay in another room.”, You said softly, and Andy frowned.

“Like hell you’ll stay in another room. You’ll stay with me, sleep in my bed right in my arms. You’re mine now, I think I made it very clear?”

You bit your lip and nervously played with your fingers, trying not to anger him.

“What about Jacob? Would he like it, me staying in your room? I mean, his mother lived there not too long ago and...” You stopped when Andy grabbed your chin and turned your head to meet his eyes.

“You just saw Jake. Did you see any hesitance in him when he welcomed you in? I’d already spoken to him anyway. He has no love for the woman who almost pushed him through death’s door. He likes you and he’s happy for me.”

You nodded and finished the rest of your dinner in silence. You offered to do the dishes, but Andy asked you to relax and see about the place while he tidied up. You wandered up the stairs, a part of house you had not been to before. You opened the first door on the left and found a messy room with a big screen and video games. Closing the door, you ventured forward and opened the door towards the end. This would most probably be your room. The bed was huge, and you moved inside to explore. There was an attached bathroom and a massive walk in closet where you could see Andy had cleared space for you. You sat on the bed and opened the first drawer in the bedside cabinet, finding medicine and phone charger. Opening the second, you found it scattered with stationary and other bits and bots. However, what caught your eye was the box of condom tucked in the back. You took it out and gulped in fear.

“I didn’t think you’d want a baby just right now.”, Andy said from the doorway, startling you. You turned to him and set the box down, moving backward subconsciously as he came towards you and shut the door behind him. He stood in front of you and cupped your jaw, stroking gently.

“You’re so beautiful, every time I look at you my heart stops.”, He whispered, then he bent down and kissed you deeply, his tongue in your mouth and hands roaming your sides. You gasped, your own hands fisting his t-shirt. Holding you around the waist, Andy pushed you back in the middle of the bed, climbing over you and starting to unbutton your shirt. You quickly held his hands, trembling slightly. He looked at you with that dark look in his eyes and you slowly retracted your hands and allowed him to strip you of your shirt. He sucked in a breath, pure worship in his eyes as he took in your shirtless body and reached behind you to unclasp your bra. His hands glided over your collarbones and breasts, gentle in their exploring and squeezed. You moaned despite yourself. You didn’t expect him to be this good to you. You thought he would ravish you like an animal in heat.

Andy kissed you then, one hand on your hip, the other beside your head holding his weight. You responded without really meaning to, getting lost in the heat of him. His smell smothered you until you could taste it on your tongue, and you let out a groan of pure satisfaction as he sucked a hickey into the juncture of your neck. Leaving a searing line of fire with his lips, he whispered in your ear.

“I will bath your body with my tongue until I own each and every part of you. I will mark you as mine and claim you completely. When this night is over, you will crave me with a frenzy that only my touch can quench. I’ll not just make you want me; I’ll make you thirst for me. You’ll beg me to touch you, to mark you and to fill you up.”

His words were a promise and you clenched your thighs in anticipation. That night, he proceeded to take you as his. His laved your body with his tongue, suckling, biting, and leaving marks. Your nipples were wet and sore from his attention, your core drenched and dripping. He made you cum first with his mouth, slurping on you, making you tremble and shout. Then he stretched you around his fingers, moaning dirty fantasies into your mouth while you shook under him. You remember him impaling you on his cock, remember feeling every vein of him even through the condom, you felt him stretching you wider than ever before and you cuming hard enough to see stars. He claimed your body in ways you didn’t think was possible, and you woke up the next day with bruises on parts you didn’t even know could bruise.

Your life with Andy was not unpleasant as such, but it was a golden cage. He got you what you wanted, he never stopped you from working or force you into something you didn’t want to do. You told him you didn’t want to try anal sex and he never pushed for it. You told him you missed your study and he converted a room into a library for you. In all aspects, he was the dream guy any woman could want. Only, you never had the option to make this choice. It was thrust upon you and you had to live it no matter what.

The only thing Andy insisted on was your loyalty and time. He told you in no uncertain terms that if he so much as smelled another man’s cologne on you, he’ll tie you up and edge you until you remembered who you belonged to. You didn’t think he was serious until one night Andy lost his cool after watching you hug a colleague who dropped you home. You ended up tied spread eagle on the bed, crying tears of frustration as he edged you with his mouth and a vibrator for hours. It wasn’t until you sobbed out, “I’m yours!” that he let you cum. The other thing he wanted was your time. He never interrupted your work, but if you’re home, he is the only thing that should be on your mind. He kept you close, always an arm on your waist or you in his lap. His possessiveness knew no bounds and Jacob often joked that he’d need a sawing machine to separate you.

You couldn’t say you hated Andy because you didn’t. Even when he had first forced you into a relationship, you didn’t hate him. He’d been a good friend to you and a great support. He had done too much for you to ever hate him, as you were reminded every time you saw your brother. But you couldn’t say you loved him either. The very fact that if you had a choice you wouldn’t be here gnawed at you. While you laughed with Andy when you saw movies or sighed in pleasure when he put those hands on you, you couldn’t bring yourself to love him. You cared for him, you loved to wake up with his face between your thighs or with your face between his. You loved it when you sat as a family to play scrabble and you and Jake teamed up to beat Andy. You loved it when he tickled you into submission or when you gave him a massage after a tough day at work. But you didn’t love him.

So, it was with trepidation that you looked at the ring you found in his underwear drawer. Settled into a small velvet box, it was a silver band with diamonds lining it. Your hand shook slightly, wondering what you’ll do once he asks you the question you’d been dreading for months now. Did you even have the choice to say no? Did you want to say no? You put the box back where you’d found it and went through your day acting like nothing happened. The next few days you lived in anticipation, wondering every time Andy went into the closet if this would be it. But the ring stayed where it was and with each passing day you became as annoyed as you became relieved.

“Come here, sweetheart”, he said to you one night, holding out his hand and pulling you in his lap on the bed. You snuggled against his chest, you head on his shoulder and arms around him. He stroked your back, placing a kiss on your head as he rocked you slowly.

“Do you want to go back to your brother’s house?” He asked softly and you pulled away to look at him with puzzled eyes.

“What?”

“If you want, you can go back to living with him.”

Your heart started pounding in your chest, breath coming out in stuttered gasps. You didn’t know why but tears filled your eyes as you looked at him in utter disbelief.

“You want me to go away?” Your voice was small, broken like that of a kicked puppy. Andy pulled you tight into himself, holding you close while he cooed at you and shushed.

“No, no baby. I never want you to go away. I just feel like you want to go away.” He said and you buried your head in his neck, not understanding why you weren’t leaping across the room and packing your stuff. This is what you always wanted, your freedom. And now when it was being put on a platter for you, you clung to your prison and your captor.

“I – I don’t know what I want”, you sobbed helplessly, and Andy held you as you cried. He patted your head and pulled your face up to look into your eyes.

“While I am deranged enough to keep you with me like this, even I won’t force you into a marriage. I know you saw the ring, and I know you’ve been withdrawn ever since. I love you, more than anything in the world. You know that, and I’m pretty sure everyone who sees us knows that. Which is exactly why I am willing to set you free. I may be a bad person, but I won’t be a monster. I am giving you the choice you have always wanted. You can go if you want, I won’t stop you. I will not hold anything over you. I want you to be happy, and if that is away from here, away from me, so be it. I won’t be the person holding your happiness at bay.” He said.

You remained silent and after a while Andy set you down on the bed and got up.

“Think about it, it is your choice this time.” He kissed your head and left the room. That was the first night in over a year you’d spent alone, and you cried yourself into a restless sleep, reaching out for the warm body not there. You woke up with eyes sealed shut by dried tears and your whole body aching. The sun was high in the sky meaning you slept well past noon. You walked downstairs into the kitchen, looking around for Andy. You needed to see him, touch him. You needed assurance that he was still there and hadn’t left you. You found Jacob working on his assignment and joined him at the table.

“Good afternoon”, he teased with a smile. Then he looked at your face and cringed. “Jeez, you look sick. Can I get you something? You want me to call dad?”

“I’m fine, just tired. Where is Andy?”, you asked with a raspy voice and gratefully accepted water from Jacob.

“He left early, I think. Left a note on the fridge saying he’ll be back later.” Seeing your face fall, Jacob got up and patted your arm. “You sit here while I get you some coffee. You look like you really need it.”

You nodded and tried not to sniffle. Here was a boy who felt like your own son despite you being not that much older to him. You had a family right here, even if you hadn’t asked for it this way. You held your head in your hands, confused.

Jacob got you coffee and some snacks to munch on. He kept looking at you out of the corner of his eyes, pretending to work. You put down your mug after a few silent minutes and asked him if something was wrong.

“Did you reject dad?” He asked you after hesitating. You gaped at him in shock.

“What? I – No. Why would you say that?”

Jacob turned red stuttered. “Its just…dad showed me the ring. I thought he asked you and well, you’re in such a state and he left early which he has never done since you got here, I thought you said no.” You looked down in your lap, wanting to go upstairs and cry in your pillow.

“Hey, I am so sorry. I just – please don’t say no because of me.” Jacob said earnestly. “I am okay with your relationship. More than okay, in fact. After mom, well, I thought I would never see dad smile again. And then he met you and he started cooking and humming songs again. Then once you moved in…it felt like life had gone back to normal. He became better than before. Mom and he used to fight all the time, but you and he click. So please, if you are worried about me, don’t be.”

You chocked out a pathetic sob and hugged a bewildered Jacob who tried his best to console you. You almost laughed as he let out a few “there there” and “it will be okay”. He was so much like his father.

“Jacob, I think I love your father.”, you said with tears rolling down your cheeks. Jacob grinned a smug smile and breathed out a quite laugh.

“Why do you say that as a bad thing?” He asked.

“Because I don’t know how to tell your father about it” you confessed. Jacob stood up and took you with him. Placing his hands on your shoulder, he turned you around.

“I don’t think you need to tell him anymore.”

Andy stood at the entrance, looking at you both with an unreadable expression in his eyes. He moved closer while you flushed in embarrassment, looking at the floor and shuffling like a naughty child caught causing mischief.

“You, leave.” Andy ordered his son who was smiling like Christmas had come early.

“As if I’d stay for what’s about to happen. I quite like the innocence of my eyes.” Jake joked and scampered when his father glared at him. Andy stood in front of you, looking down at you until you finally raised your head to peak at him from under your wet lashes.

“So…”, he trailed off and you almost stomped your feet once you saw the amusement in his eyes. He is going to milk this moment for all it was worth. You’d made him wait long enough for this.

“So…” You said as well.

“I take it you aren’t going back to your brother’s?”

“No”, you whispered. You wanted him to touch you, to make you his again. Spending one night away from him had driven you almost insane with loneliness. You needed him and yet he didn’t put a hand on you.

“Why not?” He asked instead, tracing his bottom lip with his finger. You squirmed as you watched his action, heat pooling between your legs at the thought of that sensual mouth.

“I – I changed my mind”

“You did, did you?”

“Yes”

“Why?”

You glared at him, making him smirk. You broke and took hold of his collar, pulling him close and brushing your lips against his.

“You know why!” You hissed, trying to kiss him harder but he resisted.

“I don’t know, I mean, is the sex that good?”

The bastard. He was teasing you here and enjoying your discomfort. To hell with everything. You should have just written it on a scrap of paper and dumped it on his lap or something. But then you looked in his eyes which were dancing in the afternoon light, his eyes which had only ever held affection for you. You pushed yourself on you toes and put your mouth against his.

“I love you”

You were in his arms then and he carried you upstairs before you realized what happened. Throwing you on the bed and locking the door, he removed his shirt and climbed over you.

“Again”, he ordered, his lips burning against your throat.

“I love you”, you cried. Your hands found their way into his hair and tugged, making him growl. Both of you tore at your clothes, mouths meeting and teeth gnashing in a desperation to get closer.

“Again”, he said, holding your naked body beneath his, his cock poised at your entrance.

“I love you”

He entered you in a smooth stroke, making you clench around him. He pulled back and looked into your eyes, thrusting slow and deep, relishing in your mewls. He made love to you and you sang the words in his mouth and ear until you both came with muffled cries.

Sweaty and laying in each other’s arms, you basked in the newfound feeling of togetherness. You knew this wasn’t how a normal person falls in love. You realized that someone else may think something was wrong with you. But it is what it is. You loved this man after everything he had done to do. You loved him and you will do your best to let him know that every chance you could.

“So, are you gonna give me that ring now?” You asked.

Andy laughed and looked at you tugged into his naked body.

“With how much you’ve made me wait, you should be the one getting down on your knees.” He joked.

You looked at him with a teasing smile and got up.

“You only had to ask”, you breathed against his mouth before moving down on his body and getting to your knees, ready to show him how much you loved him again and again.

[aethwrs]

Magic

Agnes/Agatha Harkness x Reader

══════════════════════

Agatha was lost in her thought while feeding and petting Señor Scratchy, when suddenly a loud knock on the door pulled her out of her trance.

Adjusting her plaid black and white dress and now holding the surprisingly big and soft rabbit between her arms, she made her way to the door, walking and swinging her hips exaggeratedly.

Pushing the door open, she was shocked to see a new face, since it was almost impossible for her to not notice when someone new arrived to Westview… she should’ve sensed it.

Agatha realised that she had been staring questioningly at the lady in front of her for a longer time that she should have, when such lady waved her hand close to her face trying to get her attention.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you” the woman said, thinking she had scared her new neighbour since Agatha’s face still showed nothing other than a sceptical expression, which she immediately changed to a dazzling and distracting smile. “I- I am y/n by the way, I’m new here”

“Oh no, darling! You didn’t scare me, you’re actually quite a sight if you ask me” Agatha winked and looked her up and down, her shameless attempt of flirting working perfectly since the next thing she saw were y/n’s cheeks turning a soft pink colour, only making Agatha’s amused grin get bigger. “My name’s Agnes, it’s lovely to meet you” she moved aside, linking arms with her newest neighbour and leading her into the house.

Y/n thought that people in the town were boring, what she never thought was that she would meet someone like Agnes, who even after just some minutes of barely talking was already driving her crazy in the best possible way.

Sitting on an old-fashioned, yet stylish couch, waiting for Agnes to come back from the kitchen with the tea she said she’d bring, y/n picked up from the coffee table a book with a black cover and purple letters, being the curious person that she was, she opened it and started reading or trying to read what was written inside it. Not a single word seemed to make sense for her and just when she was about to continue searching thought the pages, Agatha appeared on the door frame of the living with a tray full of cookies and two cups of hot tea.

Almost dropping everything on the floor when she saw the book in y/n’s hands, Agatha didn’t hesitate before taking away the book with her free hand and placing it in the wooden bookcase. Her sudden actions confused the other woman, who just looked at her in silence until Agatha’s voice broke the silence.

"Wanda forgot this diary here, I’ll return it to her later” she chuckled, taking one of the cups of tea and offering it to y/n who gladly accepted it and completely shrugged off the previous book situation. “Well dear, tell me about yourself, someone like you must have a pretty interesting life” Agatha spoke trying to start conversation, only to see a frown appear on y/n’s forehead.

"This might sound weird but…I can’t remember anything” y/n almost whispered the last part, resting her hands on her temple and trying to remember something…anything…about herself. Looking up at Agatha, who was staring at her with a plain expression on her face, she simply started laughing.

The laugh of the cheery woman was reason enough for Agatha to start laughing too.

"Oh darling, you're something else" Agatha teased making y/n roll her eyes playfully, both of them still trying to catch their breaths after laughing.

"I'll take the compliment, Agnes" y/n winked, the same thing Agatha had done a few moments ago, this time causing the brunette to blush slightly.

"Oh please do" Agatha responded, wondering how could it be so easy for them to talk freely when they had just met.

Before both of them could realise, the moon had risen and it was night time, meaning that they've been talking all the afternoon.

With the promise of seeing each other any other time soon, y/n walked down to her house not knowing that someone couldn't keep her out of their mind.

__________________________________

As promised, both of them continued to hang out together even if it was for dinners at each other’s houses or just to take a walk around the town.

They were inseparable. Not that any of them would want it other way.

But the truth was that as the time passed, both women started developing feelings for each other. Feelings that were stronger than the ones that two persons who were just friends would have.

Many people in the town would think that they were together but none of them was brave enough to ask.

__________________________________

The day of the talent’s show had arrived and Agatha and y/n decided that they’d go together as a comedy duo.

Once their little show was done, they sat on a table with the rest of the public, currently watching Wanda and Vision’s act, which was anything but normal.

As their show kept getting weirder and weirder, y/n started to think that there was something wrong going on. Looking at her friend willing to tell her how concerned she was, she couldn’t help but notice something that looked like purple mist coming from Agatha’s hands as she moved her fingers carefully, not noticing the face of pure fear and shock on y/n’s face as she watched her do that.

“Agnes….?” y/n asked, her voice coming out as a low whisper whilst she continued staring at the other woman’s hands.

Agatha turned her head to look at her after hearing her name, the smile she had disappearing almost instantly once she noticed the fear written on the younger lady’s face.

“What’s going on, darling? You look as if you’ve seen a ghost” She chuckled and with her hand reached for y/n’s cheek, only for her to push it away still with the same expression as before. “y/n-”

“Your hands…you were-” she mimicked Agatha’s hand movements making the beautiful witch realise the problem. “They were glowing…what was that, Ness?”

Agatha sighed, her eyes turning a deep shade of purple as she looked at y/n with sadness, knowing what she should do next. “My name’s Agatha” she watched as y/n let out an audible gasp, suddenly feeling overly overwhelmed. “and I’m sorry, dear” she whispered, with her hands directing a wave of purple mist straight to y/n’s head that for her surprise, was stopped midway.

“No!” y/n stammered and put her arms up in defence.

Out of the blue, a shiny blue spark came from y/n’s hands which stopped Agatha’s attempt of controlling her. Agatha was left speechless whilst y/n couldn’t believe what just happened.

That blue mist came from her. She did that.

She was scared of herself.

Not wasting any second, she got up from her chair and trying not to drag anyone’s attention towards her, ran to the nearest empty room

Agatha knew how scared she was; it didn’t take a genius to realise that. Y/n had seen her manipulate the show with her magic and at the same time, realised that she had magic too. If there was someone who could help with that, Agatha knew that it was herself.

Getting out of that talents show and making up an excuse to tell to Dottie,Agatha ran behind y/n, finding her sitting in the corner of a dark room, apparently crying.

Slowly approaching her, Agatha knelt besides y/n, gently moving her hair away from her face. The action made y/n flinch and trying to calm her shaky body, she whispered “Please don’t hurt me”.

Hurt flashed through Agatha’s features as the simple thought of y/n thinking she’d hurt her. She could never do that but even if she didn’t want to accept it, she knew the reason she’d say such thing.

“I could never do that, I just want to help you with your magic” she admitted, to which y/n looked up at her with her eyes red from crying.

“I don’t want it” after some seconds of silence, y/n expressed in a barely audible tone that Agatha wasn’t able to hear.

“I can’t hear you” the blue eyed woman said in a sympathetic way, waiting for an answer.

“I don’t want to have magic, Agn- Agatha!”y/n restated, her tone of voice certainly taking Agatha by surprise. “It’s dangerous”

“You’re right, it is but only when you don’t know how to control it” Agatha’s voice softer than usually, trying not to make y/n freak out more than she already was. “and like I said, I can help with that”

“No” y/n whispered with her shaky voice and frantically shook her head, the panic once again setting on her body and her overwhelming emotions causing her to lose the only bit of control she had over her magic, making all the objects in the room start shaking and some of them fly uncontrollably. “Stop this” she said not knowing that she was the one in control.

“I can’t, I’m not the one doing this” Agatha took y/n's hands in hers, giving them a gentle squeeze and looking her right into her eyes. “you have to calm down, ok? Look at me, doll”

“I can’t control this, I can’t!” tears rolled freely down y/n’s cheeks as she feared herself and what she was doing. As the seconds passed, everything seemed to get worse. The sound of objects breaking against the walls, strong gusts of wind blowing through the windows and her sobs filled the room.

Running out of ideas, Agatha thought about the only things that was left to do that could possibly help.

Gently holding y/n’s cheeks, she kissed her. It was a sweet and soft kiss, not rushed at all and even if it shocked her at first, y/n found herself kissing Agatha back, eventually stopping thinking and just focusing on the kiss they were sharing, putting all her emotions in it and letting go of all of her worries. Running out of air, they pulled back. Their foreheads in contact with each other’s and little smiles showing on their faces, none of them daring to open their eyes, scared of ruining the moment.

“You made it stop, see?” Agatha broke the silence, as she always did. “I promise I’ll help you”

Opening her eyes to look at Agatha, y/n smiled shyly at her. “Thank you” was the only thing she said before going silent and then opening her mouth to speak again. “for the help…and the kiss too” she faced the floor, her rosy cheeks and shy behavior being the cutest things Agatha had seen and that she definitely loved about her.

“There’s no need to thank me, sweetheart.”y/n smiled brightly at the pet name, loving how it sounded coming from Agatha. “I like you, a lot and I know that I should have told you the truth sooner but I didn’t want to scare you” now it was y/n’s turn to be shocked.

Did she hear that right?

Did Agatha say that she liked her?

“You…like me?” she questioned just to make sure she’d heard that right, receiving a nod from Agatha. “Well, I like you too and I’m not scared of you, even if I was more than shocked” she laughed but Agatha definitely didn’t want to waste more time.

She pulled her into another kiss, this one shorter than the first one but it was all they both needed. They both had each other now and she didn’t want to ruin it. She promised to herself that there would be no more lies because hiding things from y/n didn’t turn out as good as she thought it would be, but she knew she could do better.

“You’re going to be powerful, dear, I have no doubts” Agatha stated proudly “and I’ll be here to watch it”

Embracing her into a bone crushing hug, y/n took some time to look at their surroundings, realizing the big mess that was dispersed all around the room.

“I hate ruining the moment but if we don’t want to get caught and have to clean this room, I’d suggest we go away now” y/n whispered near Agatha’s ear causing both of them to erupt on giggles as they made their way out of the room.

[lucyintheskywithxanax]

Betelgeuse Above The Horizon

Pairing: Cordelia Goode x Fem Reader

Request: “don’t cry” and “this is all my fault” for delia x reader?

Summary: reader comforts Cordelia after she failed to rescue Queenie from the Cortez

A/N: thank you to the anon who requested this <3 I hope you’ll like it. No warnings ; this is your typical hurt/comfort fic

Word count: ~ 3 000

You closed the back door behind you as gently as you could. It was a hot summer night, and most of the girls slept with their windows open. No one liked to be awakened at 2:30 am.

You looked up at the clear sky and flashed a wistful smile at the stars. The moon had set half an hour ago and there was a perfect spot behind the greenhouse that blocked most of the city lights. You walked quickly, the cool grass tickling your bare feet, clutching a pillow to your chest.

You had been suffering from insomnia for the past couple years. Some nights were fine, but there were others when thoughts would keep buzzing and buzzing in your head and sleep would elude you entirely. So on those nights, you had taken to study the stars.

It was beautiful, looking up at the darkest time of night to see the twinkling, jeweled immensity of the sky. It soothed your heart.

You had barely got any sleep in the past week. Too many thoughts. Most of them were about Cordelia. Yet again tonight you had lain in your bed turning and tossing and seeing her face behind your eyelids, remembering something she had said to you today, or how close her hand had been to yours when she had put her empty glass in the sink. You were falling hard for your Supreme and it was driving you crazy.

You had contemplated making a move a few days ago, but rather quite abruptly changed your mind. For Cordelia had come back alone from the Hotel Cortez.

She had been gone longer than expected. When one of the girls came into your room to tell you Miss Cordelia was finally home, you all but ran downstairs to welcome her. When you reached the landing of the stairs it dawned on you that the girl had not mentioned Queenie. A feeling of dread settled in your chest, and expanded when you took one look at Cordelia. Her shoulders were slumped, her face pale and sad. She looked so exhausted you were afraid she might collapse where she stood, so you rushed to her and laid one hand on her shoulder for support and comfort. She met your gaze briefly, and your heart broke at the sadness and shame you could see in her eyes.

Cordelia was always so strong. So brave and so powerful. She was the last light to shine when everything else had succumbed to darkness. To see her look so defeated did not only sadden you; it felt terribly wrong.  

Zoe walked in with a bright smile on her face and sang, “Welcome back Queenie!” She had meant no harm, of course, had not yet realized. Cordelia’s face fell, and so did Zoe’s. Your grip on Cordelia’s arm tightened.

Cordelia lowered her eyes. Her chin trembled. Then she glanced back up at Zoe, eyes watering, and shook her head.

She did not say much, merely asked if she was needed for anything before she announced she had sleep to catch up on. You followed her up to her room without thinking, stopped awkwardly in her doorway. She turned back to look at you, patiently waiting, and your heart broke again at the sadness that was her smile.

“Er, is there anything I can do… ?”

She shook her head. Her hair was duller than usual and looked thinner around her tired face.

“Thank you, Y/N.”

You clutched your pillow tighter as you walked along the greenhouse, and sighed. There had been a constant, dull ache in your heart ever since Cordelia’s return, that you could not get rid of. It tinted everything you did, thought and felt, covered the world in a clear, grey light like the light in winter and lent it sadness. You flashed another wistful smile at the stars.  

You rounded the corner of the greenhouse and suddenly stopped. A light was on, and you could just see the shape of a woman sitting among the plants. You heard a voice, too, a faint mumble, and a few notes of mellow jazz music.  

You hesitated, stroking your chin on the top of the pillow as you stared at the shape. It was barely visible, but your heart recognized it.

You set the pillow down by the door and walked into the greenhouse.

Cordelia raised her head at the sound of your footsteps. Her eyes were red as if she had been crying. You offered her a smile as you walked up to her.

“Hey,” you said.

“Hey there.” The smile she gave you in return had none of its usual warmth. If anything, it made her look sadder still. “You’re up late.”

You shrugged. “So are you.”

She was leaning over a green plant in a pot, her fingers distractedly stroking one of the long drooping leaves. You gestured towards it.

“What’s this?”

Cordelia took a long time to answer. “A friend of mine once told me she thought those leaves have healing properties. That they could soothe, any kind of ache.” She paused, swallowed. When she spoke again her voice was higher and trembling slightly. “I tried brewing them in multiple ways, but all I can make out of them is bad tea.”

“Um,” was all you could answer. The sadness in her voice was like a slap in your face. Again it hit you, how wrong it was, how terribly wrong it felt. Shame and defeat should never have anything to do with Cordelia.

You dug your fingers in your arm to stop yourself from pulling her into your arms.

“It’s too bad that friend of mine isn’t here anymore,” Cordelia went on. Her hand tugged at the leaf, so hard you thought it would tear. “Misty, was her name.”

“Where is she?” you asked carefully.

Cordelia lifted her head as she gave a sad, almost cruel, little laugh. Her eyes briefly met yours, big and dark and lost.

“Why, she’s dead. Another girl I couldn’t save.” Cordelia slammed her hands on the table, making you jump. “Another girl I failed. You know, sometimes I do believe my mother was right about me. She would have been able to save them. I know she would.”

You swallowed around the lump in your throat, watching her, at a loss for what to do or say to comfort her. She was your strong rock, she had always been so. Now all you could do was stand still as your heart clenched for her and your brain grappled with words.

Cordelia closed her eyes, forced herself to take a deep breath. She opened her eyes again and gave you another sad smile. A tear rolled down her cheek, which she quickly wiped with shaky fingers.

“I’m sorry,” she said with a sad laugh.

Before you knew it, your hand was extending towards her.

“Come on,” you said. “Come with me.”

Cordelia’s eyes widened in surprise. She looked like she was about to protest, but then her hand slipped into yours. You gave her fingers a squeeze, the warmth of her skin spreading all the way to your heart and head.

You shut the light in the greenhouse, led Cordelia out and into the starry night. The air outside smelt of grass and of that distinctive, earthly smell that always comes with summer.

You picked up the pillow, and led Cordelia to your usual stargazing spot.

“You know what I do when I can’t sleep?” you asked in a whisper.

You dropped the pillow, gestured for Cordelia to sit down. In the dark her hair glowed faintly. There was a glint of light from the stars in her eyes.

“I watch the constellations.” You smiled, not sure she’d see it, but knowing she would hear it in your voice. “I’ve become quite good at finding them. I could tell you.”

There was a pause, silence only broken by the fastening beat of your heart in your ears. The darkness seemed to have sharpened your senses, for you could feel Cordelia’s presence as if it were hugging your soul.

You waited nervously, until finally came her answer: “I’d love to.”

You beamed.

“Ok ok,” you said, “lie down, use the pillow for your head.”

You lay side by side on the grass. It tickled your neck and ears, and you had to readjust your position several times until you were satisfied. Your arm touched Cordelia’s. You contemplated removing it, chose not to. Cordelia did not move either.

As children do, you pointed out constellations to her, trying to give precise directions but failing miserably. The tightness in your throat relaxed when Cordelia, unable to find Capella, finally let out a genuine laugh.

The touch of her skin against yours was like a fire in your arm, but a fire that causes no pain, only brings warmth.

“Scorpius is my favourite,” you said, tracing your finger over it.  “Especially when it’s so close to the horizon. It looks like the tail of a giant animal hiding behind the Earth.”

Cordelia laughed again. You heard something move, and then felt the warmth of Cordelia’s fingers as they laced with yours. Sparks flew to your head, and your heart purred.

“I didn’t know you were so well versed in astronomy,” Cordelia whispered. “You put your own Supreme’s knowledge to shame.”

You didn’t miss the bitterness in her words, the way her voice wavered slightly at the end of her sentence. You gave her hand a squeeze, and moved your arm so that more of your skin was touching hers. Something warm fizzed in your stomach.

“You know what?” you said suddenly, without thinking. “In all my time of stargazing, I found you in the sky.” You pointed across the sky from Scorpius. “See Orion here? See the bright orange star on the left? That’s Betelgeuse. That’s you.”

Cordelia scoffed sadly. She raised her free hand to wipe her cheek.

“You’re the arm that raises Orion’s weapon,” you told her, a soft, dreamy smile tugging at your lips, “one of the biggest stars we know of, and the day you turn into a supernova – which will only be in a few thousand years, a blink of the eye, mind you – you’ll be visible from Earth even by day. You’ll shine in our sky and everyone will look up at you in wonder.”

There was a pause, as you absentmindedly stroke your thumb over Cordelia’s and grinned at the star, and then a sob burst out of Cordelia, low and painful. You turned to her quickly in confusion.

“Oh, no, no,” you mumbled, propping yourself up on your elbow, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean – oh, please don’t cry.”

Cordelia was swiping at her eyes urgently, probably unwilling to let you, one of her girls, see her in that vulnerable state, but the tears were coming too fast, and her shoulders were shaking with sobs.

That was the last straw. Before you knew it, you had scooted over and she was in your arms, one of your hands coming to rest on her back, the other one running gently in her hair. She didn’t protest, and hid her face in the crook of your neck.

“Poor Queenie,” you heard her say. She wasn’t trying to control herself anymore: her voice came out weak and broken, heavy with guilt. It made tears pool in your own eyes. “She trusted me to get her out of that horrible, satanic hotel. She looked so relieved to see me, so confident, and I… I failed her,” she finished in a breath. You felt her tears on your skin and held her tighter.

“Now she’s trapped for eternity, just as Misty is, because I was too weak to save them. I can  – “ She choked on a sob, let out a pitiful wail that clawed at your heart. “I can f-feel their despair and anguish and it’s all my fault.”

“Hold on, no.” You pulled away a bit too abruptly to look at her, and cupped her face. Her skin was wet and hot under your fingers. It took all of your self-control not to kiss it dry.

When you spoke, your voice was firm and verging on angry. “Now you listen to me. None of it was your fault. Bad things happen all the time, and sometimes they simply cannot be fixed.” You paused to take a breath, stroked your thumb over her cheekbone and caught another tear. “You cannot save everyone, Cordelia. It already means so much that you try.”

“But I – “ Cordelia started. You cut her off.

“And your mother, Cordelia, your mother.” In the dark you rolled your eyes and winced. “I didn’t get to know her, but from what I’ve heard she wouldn’t even have tried to save any of them. She wouldn’t even have cared. “

Again, Cordelia’s mouth opened to protest, but you had had enough. So, without thinking, you leaned in and kissed her silent.

It was nothing more than a peck, a mere touching of lips, but it felt better and sweeter than any kiss you had ever given. You pulled away, baffled by your own action, to blink at Cordelia. Her eyes were wide, mouth slightly opened. It seemed to you she had stopped breathing.

“I – “ you started, but words vanished from your brain.

Cordelia blinked. Another tear rolled down her cheek. You leaned in again, kissed it away. Her skin was soft and warm and smelt like summer.

Slowly, Cordelia tilted her head until her mouth met yours

It seemed to you the world had stopped turning. The stars had frozen in the sky and held their breaths as they watched.

You pressed closer into Cordelia, one of your hands coming down to grip at her arm, the other cupping her cheek, wiping the tears that were still clinging to her skin. Her lips were soft and wet and more intoxicating than the most intoxicating of wines. It made your head spin. Or maybe it was just the world, which had started turning again.    

When Cordelia broke the kiss, you kept your eyes closed for a few seconds, savouring the taste of her still on your lips. Afraid you would open your eyes and find her gone. That had happened so many times before when you had awakened from dreams.

But here she was, her hair a faint halo in the dark, her eyes bigger than the sky, and oh, how your heart swelled when her lips curled up into a soft, fond smile.

You cleared your throat. “Well,” you said, your voice husky. “That was unexpected.”

Cordelia chuckled. She bit her lip, raising one hand to touch your face.

“I’m glad you couldn’t sleep,” she whispered.    

“Um.” You kissed her palm. “Me too.”

For a while you kept silent, staring into each other’s eyes, a goofy smile on both your faces. And then Cordelia’s smile flickered, and here was that sadness again, clouding her eyes.

“Hey,” you whispered, lifting one hand and running the pad of your index over her brow. You leaned in and kissed it until the creases of worry disappeared. You cupped her cheek and smiled at her. “It’ll be okay. None of this pain will last.”

For a moment Cordelia just stared at you, and then she gave one almost imperceptible nod. One of her hands slipped behind your neck to pull you close and plant soft, chaste kisses on your lips. Again, the stars held their breaths. From somewhere far away came the sound of fireworks, or maybe it was just your heart celebrating. Cordelia nibbled at your lower lip and gently licked it, her tongue hot and wet, and she released a breath through her nose that tickled your cheek and sent tingles down your spine.

She closed her eyes and rested her head on the pillow, and you lay yours on her chest, humming contentedly as you listened to her heartbeat. Around you all was quiet. One of Cordelia’s hands absently ran through your hair.

“I’ll visit her once in a while,” Cordelia whispered. “Queenie. To make sure she’s okay, and that there’s nothing more I can do.”

You hummed. “I’ll come with you if you’ll have me.”

Your eyelids were getting heavy with sleep. You pressed your nose against Cordelia’s chest, breathing her in.

“We should stay here and watch the sun rise,” you mumbled after a while.

Cordelia dropped a kiss on your forehead. You kissed her chest in return.

“Even though I may fall asleep,” you added.

She chuckled. “That’s alright. I’ll wake you.”

You lifted your head to look at her. She was staring at Betelgeuse, and she must have felt your gaze, for she tilted her head to meet your eyes. Slowly, like the sun or the moon rising, her soft, warm, glorious smile crept up her lips and chased the sadness from her eyes.

“Here we go,” you grinned, reaching out to caress the corner of her mouth. You propped yourself up and kissed her. “No more tears tonight. Let me love you under the stars.”

[pro-fangirls-unsocial-life]

Welcome Home.

A/N: So I accidentally wrote this fic in discord while talking with @captainrexisboo and thought I’d post it here as well!! I know that the timeline is off with Kix, but I don’t care. Its my fic and I get to decide what the rules are lmao. Anyways, this is what I think would happen if Kix and Rex met in the rebellion. I hope you enjoy! (Also wow. Two fics in two days look at me go after like a month of not posting anything)

Length: ~1800

Warnings. ANGST. Feeling hopeless. Self loathing. Very much a hurt/comfort thing.

It had been three months since Kix had been woken up. The Empire now raged across the galaxy and Kix’s newfound reality now raged throughout his mind, never giving him a moment of rest.

 After three months of being trapped in a tiny ship, the rebellion had decided that Kix was to be brought to the base on Yavin 4. For what, he had no idea, but now that he’s here, he thought it best not to dwell on what awaits him once he reaches his destination within the main building.

 Walking down the halls, he feels a sense of dread at having stares thrown his way by those who remember the clone wars. All of them are older now. All of them know what he did.

The rebel scavenger who found him keeps leading him deeper into the base until they stop in front of the door leading to General Syndulla's quarters. He had been told that this would be who he was being brought to.

 The door whooshes open to reveal Hera, a soft smile gracing her features. "Trooper?"

 "Yes general?"

 "Follow me.”

 Hera looks to the man who had been escorting Kix. "You are dismissed Private."

 With that, she turns, leading him through even more dimly lit hallways, not speaking a word but still keeping a smile on her features.

 They walk like that for a while, Kix having no idea as to where he is being taken. "Do they want to question me? Torture me for information? Make me go undercover for them in the Empire? What use could I be to them?"

 Finally, as they round a corner, his curiosity gets the better of him. "General?"

 Hera stops in front of a large door. "Yes?”

 "Forgive me, but… where are we going? What do you all want from me? I'm no use to anyone anymore."

 Hera smiles and gestures to the door, laying her hand on the panel to open it. She chuckles, placing her other hand on the shoulder of the man in front of her. "All of your questions will be answered Trooper. I promise. But there was someone who wanted to see you first." She presses a button and the door quickly opens, revealing a large room with a briefing table lit up in the center.

 Kix steps inside, looking around and seeing that it’s empty, all except for one person who hurriedly stands from the chair he was just occupying. He is worrying something in his hand but does not move toward Kix.

 "I'll leave you two to catch up," Hera says, closing the door as she turns away.

 Kix looks back at the man, now studying his features. He has deep brown eyes like Kix does and the same general face shape. He's older, bald and sporting a fluffy white beard that covers his face, almost mirroring the one that Kix had grown against his will after all these years. Only, as he looks closer, he can see that it just covers a small scar that runs over the man’s chin.

 Suddenly, his heart drops to his feet. No. This isn't possible. He was the only clone left who wasn't being used by the Empire. He was the only one left who truly knew what had happened. This can’t be real.

 "Rex?" His voice squeaks out in a barely audible whisper as tears threaten to fall from his eyes.

 This has to be a trick. He had already shed his tears, had already mourned all of the lives that he had failed to save. He had already come to terms with his new hopeless reality. This couldn't be real. What would he do if it was?

 What would he do if it wasn't?

 If he allowed himself to believe that the man in front of him was really Rex, but it was just another lie he was being fed by the cruel mistress of fate, it would break him. He could not handle having his spirit broken once more when he had only just begun piecing it back together after so much time being broken.

 No. He would not allow himself to be tricked like this. He attempted to stomp out the small spark of hope that seeing this man had ignited within him. He would no longer be a pawn, an entertainment for those who gained joy from the suffering of others. He couldn't do it again. Not again.

 The man sharply took in a breath at the utterance of the name from Kix's lips and took a small step forward, his hands stopping their movement in front of him. "Kix," he breaths out. His shoulders sag, the tension he was previously holding disappearing as if he had just taken his first breath of peace after escaping a never-ending journey of despair.

 He walked forward, quickening his pace with each step. Kix flinched away, taking two steps back and moving his hand to his hip to grab at a blaster that was not there.

 The man stopped, a questioning pain coming across his features. "Kix?" His voice cracks as he says the name. Almost as if it hurts to say.

 "Don't," Kix snaps out with as much force as he can muster. He feels the tears as they begin cascading down his face. Flowing without any end in sight as Kix's damn keeping them in place shatters at hearing his name from an all too familiar memory. "I won't be tricked by this. Not again."

 "Kix..." The man takes two steps forward, gesturing between the two of them. "It's me. It's Rex. Your Captain."

 "No!" Kix steps back again, shaking his head as he tries to put as much distance between himself and the ghost in front of him as possible. "My Captain, my brother, is dead. All of my brothers are dead." His breathing begins to speed up and his heart breaks as he spits his venom at the image of the man he once trusted more than anyone else in the universe. "My brothers are dead," he quietly chokes out. "And it's all my fault."

 The man stares at him, his eyes tearing up and his heart aching at hearing Kix's words.

 "It's all my fault," he chokes out again. "If I had been faster - if I had been good enough- none of this, the Empire, the Jedi, the death; none of it would have ever happened." He drops to his knees, holding his head in his hands as his tears continue to pool onto the cold stone floor. "I failed you Captain. I failed Fives. I failed Jesse.” A piercing sob tore through him. “All of this happened because of me."

 There is no movement, not a single sound echoing throughout the room except the strangled cries of the still young man. And with each passing second, he can feel his resolve crumbling, until it has completely disappeared.

 He sniffles, his tears still not slowing as they fall from his face onto the floor. "I don't care if your real or not... I wish that you were though.” He pauses. “Just... Just so I can tell Rex that I'm sorry. I'm- I'm so sorry for letting you down. For causing so much pain." He clenches his fists, feeling his nails dig into his palms until he feels them cut into his hand and draw blood. "For killing so many of our brothers."

 For a moment, neither man moves, both keeping their eyes trained on the floor until the sound of boots echo throughout the room, accompanying the lonesome sobs of a defeated young man. They stop in front of Kix and squeak as the man who wears them kneels down to Kix's level.

 He gently places his hand on Kix's shoulder, briefly stopping when Kix flinches away before letting his hand travel to the back of Kix's neck. He leans forward, guiding Kix toward him until their foreheads touch. "It's not your fault Kix."

 Kix slowly draws himself back, looking up at the man with red eyes and a tear-stained face, finding a pained stare looking back at him. He searches the eyes of the older man, seeing nothing but kindness and sincerity in his gaze. "Rex?" His broken voice comes out as a whimper, only loud enough for the man in front of him to just barely hear it.

 The man nods, a small smile coming across his face, conflicting with the tear-stained cheeks it moves with. "It's me, vod. It's me."

 "Rex!" Kix cries out as he lunges forward, tightly wrapping his arms around Rex and pulling him as close as he can, feeling Rex do the same thing. Sobbing into his shoulder as his walls come crashing down and the small spark of hope he failed to extinguish ignites the long dormant fire within him once again. "I'm so sorry, vod. I tried. I tried so hard to make everything right. I tried so hard to save all of you." His tears have already made a wet spot on Rex's shirt and his breath comes out in huffs as he breaks down in his brother’s arms. "I'm so sorry Rex. I'm so sorry."

 Rex tightly squeezes his brother, not ever wanting to let him go. "No, Kix. You have nothing to be sorry for." His own tears return, falling onto Kix's back as the other continues sobbing into his shoulder. "You did everything you could and you would have made it if I had just listened to Fives sooner." The younger man shakes as his cries continue and Rex begins to rub small, soothing circles on his back, rocking them back and forth where they are curled up on the floor. "It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault." He whispers the phrase, over and over and over, until Kix stops shaking and his breathing has evened out against his shoulder.

 Pulling back, Rex smiles as he is finally given a moment to look over the face of his little brother after so many years. His eyes are red and puffy, and there are tears that make his cheeks shine, but it is Kix. The same brave, kind Kix that he once knew. "I see you've copied my beard," he joked, reaching his hand up to stroke at the hair on his face.

 Kix laughs, wiping at his nose as he takes a deep breath to try and calm down. "Believe me, it will be the first thing to go once I get my hands on a razor."

 Rex chuckles, bringing his hand up to cup the back of Kix's neck and guide him forward until their foreheads are touching once again.

 Kix closes his eyes, taking in a deep breath. "I missed you vod. It's- It's been so long--" His words are cut short by Rex dragging him into a tight hug, fisting the fabric of Kix's shirt so tight that his knuckles turn white.

 He takes a deep breath, grabbing onto Rex's shirt in the same way, never wanting to let go.

 "Welcome home, vod," he hears in his ear. "Welcome home."

[starfanatic]

Imagine...

Luke Skywalker accidentally time travels back to the prequel trilogy era. He meets Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Padme.

Long story short, Luke tells Anakin about his horrible future. Anakin is in complete shock and doesn’t really respond until he starts to hear Luke softly sobbing to himself.

“I couldn’t save you in time. I failed you” and Anakin forced Luke to look at him.

“You did not fail me. You saved me from myself, Luke. When nobody else could. You are the strongest man I ever met, I am proud to call you my son.” And Anakin holds Luke until Padme walks in. After they manage to calm Luke down Padme jokes

“look at you, a big Jedi like your father.” and Anakin chimes in "but you have your mother's eyes, and her nose." then Anakin gives Luke a little boop on the nose.

Luke smacks his hand away playfully and asks how he has his mother’s eyes if his eyes are blue. “You both got that determined stubborn little spark in your eye.”

Luke then tells Padme and Anakin that he has a twin named Leia. “She’s so much like you... mom? that’s really weird to say. But she looks like you, almost exactly like you. She definitely acts like you though, Dad. And she’s really smart and brave too, a little obnoxious sometimes but she means well”

“You and your sister must get along well then,”

“Yeah we do. She’s really protective over me. There was this funny time she stepped in front of me when Vader was coming towards us. I had to remind her that IM the one with the lightsaber and she still was hesitant to stay behind me”

Padme and Anakin glance at each other, smirking.

“Oh and Han! Han and Leia argue ALL the time it’s even annoying at times but they truly love each other. Kinda like how you two love each other. Han acts tough but when he’s around Leia it’s different.”

“Luke, don’t you think Leia and Han would be worried about you? You have been gone for a while,” and Luke nods.

“Leia is probably scared out of her mind right now”

"Wait! He can’t leave yet! come on Padmè, I haven't even shown him around yet."

Anakin gives Padme the puppy dog look that Padmè knows she won't be able to refuse, "He hasn't met Obi-Wan and snips. He can't leave without seeing them." and Padmè sighs and she kisses Luke on the cheek, "alright then you two, stay out of trouble."

[punksarahreese]

Panic | Reesker |anxious!ava

Content warnings: medical talk (duh), mentions of surgical gore, panic attacks/meltdown, very brief mention of self injury (hitting)

*** 

Doctor Bekker to the ED, Doctor Ava Bekker to the ED immediately

Ava looked up from the chart she was writing just as the PA system and her pager went of simultaneously. She set the tablet down on the nurse’s station, saying a hasty farewell to the CT floor head nurse, and broke off into a sprint. She made it down the stairs in record time, knowing Connor was in surgery so she would be the only CT fellow prepared to take a trauma.

“Maggie?” She asked breathlessly as she came up to the charge nurse, who looked at her in relief.

“Jason Abrams, 35, came in to the ED with shortness of breath and heart palpitations. Passed out during a family reunion and didn’t wake up until he was in the ambo. Wife’s in there with him and half the reunion is taking up space in my waiting room.”

“Heart attack?” Ava questioned as she slid into the treatment room beside April, pulling on her gloves.

“Doesn’t look like it,” she replied, passing Ava her stethoscope, “Take a listen.”

Dr. Bekker nodded and turned to the patient, “Mr. Abrams? I’m doctor Bekker, I’m going to figure out what’s wrong okay?”

The patient gasped out an acknowledgment, clearly struggling to breathe despite the oxygen cannula. April leaned over to check his stats, humming in annoyance at what she saw, “Stats are falling, down to 90%.”

Ava had been listening to the patient’s heart and lungs and met April’s eye, “I’m hearing a murmur, someone get me a 15 lead EKG and a chest X-ray.”

“Right away, Doctor,” Monique replied, attaching the leads to the patient and setting up the machine. While she did that, Ava turned to the patient again.

“Alright, Jason, so I’m hearing a bit of blood splash back in your heart. We’re going to run some tests to confirm what I’m hearing, do you have any history of heart issues?”

Jason shook his head but was unable to respond, his breathing clearly worsening. His wife spoke up from her worried hovering beside his head, “Heart disease... i-it runs in the family but we’ve had no indication of Jace being at risk.”

“Okay, that’s fine,” Ava nodded and took the EKG reading from Monique, “Right, so we’re going to send you up for an echocardiogram, just to get a look at your heart better.”

“Call radiology, let them know we’re taking him up,” Ava said to Monique, watching as the nurse rushed off to make the call.

“Doctor, what’s wrong with him?” The concern in the wife’s voice was apparent and she was fussing over her husband, who had begun to perspire as his lungs worked overtime.

“I can’t be certain without the echo but I believe what I’m hearing is a defect in your husband’s mitral valve. It is sending blood backwards into the heart and that’s causing less oxygen to get through his body.”

“Oh God, my baby,” Mrs. Abrams cried, “What does that mean?”

“I-I uh, won’t know the full extent until we get the test results back, but... if medication doesn’t fix our issue we may be looking at surgery to fix the valve.”

Ava nodded at April, “Push 10 mg of bisoprolol and page me when you get his scan results, please.”

The blonde ducked out of the room and made her way over to Maggie, who was watching the waiting room with a pained look.

“Well?” She asked, “Are you gonna get the Abrams family reunion out of my ED any time soon?”

“Sounds like mitral regurge to me, Maggie. Might be a while, especially if he needs surgery.”

“Of course,” the nurse sighed, “Alright, let me know.”

“Will do,” with that Ava took off to locate a tablet to add to his chart. She snagged one off the nurses’ station and logged in, charting the course of treatment given. She planned to go back upstairs and meet them in radiology, walking as she noted the enlarged chamber on the EKG. She didn’t even notice she had gotten in the way until she had collided with someone while trying to get on the elevator.

“Woah, will you watch-“ she began to say but stopped herself when she realized who it was, “Oh, sorry, Reese cup.”

Sarah Reese stood in front of her in all her glory, eyebrow raised at the immediate tone change and nickname, “That was a whole 180, Dr. Bekker.”

“Oh hush,” Ava sighed, “You know I didn’t mean it.”

“Only because it was me,” Sarah remarked with a chuckle, “Anyone else and you would have snapped enough to make them cry.”

“You know me that well, do you?”

“Well I’d hope so,” Sarah’s hand had snuck it’s way to her wrist as she responded to the quip, “Busy?”

“Checking my pulse? What’s your diagnosis, Doctor?” Ava teased lightly.

“Hm, heart rate of 100, cheeks flushed and breathing uneven,” Sarah stated factually, “Either you’re nervous or you’ve been running, and you hate running.”

“You caught me,” Ava laughed, “Was in the ED.”

“Ah,” the psych resident nodded and kept hold of the older woman’s wrist, tugging her around the corner to a quieter part of the hallway. She saw Ava was about to protest and held up a hand.

“Shh, humour me, Ava.”

Noting the stern look the other woman gave her, Ava sighed in digression, gesturing for her to go on.

“Is the ED still making you that nervous?”

“I’m just not used to the hustle of it,” Ava sighed, “It’s not a big deal, Reese cup.”

“You sure?”

She nodded, “I’m a CT surgeon, love, I’m not made for the chaos Maggie runs down here.”

Sarah’s cheeks flushed a little at the pet name, though she knew well enough that Ava pulled that card simply to win her over.

“I promise I’m fine,” she continued, a smile playing on her lips at the other woman’s worry.

“You have your earplugs if you need them?”

Ava nodded, patting her scrub pocket. She often got overwhelmed by too much noise at once, a symptom of her newly diagnosed sensory issues, so earplugs helped her stay calm.

“I’ll be okay, Sarah,” Ava promised again, “But I really need to get up to radiology.”

The resident nodded, “Okay, don’t let me keep you.”

Ava saw the little spark of regret in the younger woman’s eyes, knew she felt insecure with her forwardness and was afraid she had pushed her too far. Ava’s anxiety about the emergency department and patient interaction was a sensitive topic, but Reese was too curious for her own good.

“Hey,” Ava grabbed her hand and gave it a light squeeze, “Thank you for caring. Coffee later?”

Sarah smiled a little and nodded, “Yeah.”

“Great,” a mischievous grin and then a quick kiss was pressed to her cheek, “See you, Reese cup.”

“Ava!” The brunette was left standing in the hallway with bright red cheeks, making the other doctor laugh as she went back to the elevator.

The surgeon still had a grin on her face as she made it onto the elevator. She couldn’t help but feel giddy around Sarah, something about her just made the hospital feel 100 times safer. Their relationship started off as merely occupational, speaking when patient cases crossed or in passing around the hospital. They got along fine, of course, but Ava was up in CT way more than in the emergency department, so their paths didn’t cross often. This changed when one day Ava had a bad case, when she lost that instrument inside the patient’s heart.

She had a panic attack, rushed out of the operating room and leaving Connor to close the patient. He had stormed into the locker room, starting to yell at her, but stopped when he saw the state Ava was in. She was clearly shaking, cheeks streaked with tears and makeup. He tried to talk her down but she wouldn’t listen, didn’t want his pity, especially not after he had been a major ass all day.

Eventually Connor gave up, leaving the room with a dramatic sigh. Ava had immediately dropped to the floor when the door closed, slumping against a locker as she sobbed quietly. She didn’t want to act like this, didn’t want to be so dramatic when they saved the patient, but she couldn’t help it. What if they hadn’t saved him? What if they missed the instrument and had closed him up? She had let down Connor and Dr. Latham, but mostly, she let down herself.

Ava hastily wiped away her tears when she heard a knock at the door, cursing her anxiety for making her act like such a baby. She tried to put on a brave face but stayed slumped down, letting her hair hide her for the most part.

“Doctor Bekker?” Sarah had come around the corner, “Doctor Rhodes said you were panicking. Are you okay?”

“J-just like him,” the blonde scoffed, “Goes and tells people about my mistake and calls psych on me? Of course.”

Sarah just sighed, crouching down in front of the older woman, “Are you okay?”

“Oh I’m peachy keen, Doctor Reese,” she replied sarcastically through her tears. It’s not that she wanted to be mean to Sarah, the younger woman didn’t deserve that, but it was her defence mechanism. She hated to show weakness, so she lashed out. It was something she had never been able to grow out of.

“Ava... I’m not here as a psych resident, not if you don’t want me to be. I can be here as a friend, or even as a stranger, I just want to help.”

The CT surgeon had huffed at that, swiping at the stray tears still creeping down her cheeks, “Nothing to help with, Sarah. I’m just ashamed with my work today.”

“Ava... this is classic signs of a panic attack,” even though she said she wasn’t there as a doctor, Sarah couldn’t help the psychoanalysis, “What happened?”

“Lost an instrument in a patient’s heart,” Ava groaned at the sheer stupidity, “Had to reopen him and then just left Connor to clean up my mess. I fucked up.”

“No, Ava, you just made a mistake,” Sarah looked at the door before sitting down on the floor beside the other woman, “Human error happens, please don’t beat yourself up over it.”

“I could have killed him, Sarah,” she hit her leg with a closed fist out of frustration, “I just keep reliving the moment and all the ways it could have gone wrong.”

“The important thing is you saved him.”

Ava laughed bitterly, “Barely. How could I be so careless?”

“What was it?”

“The end of a suction catheter...”

“Ava,” Sarah reached a hand out to cautiously hold hers, saving her whitened knuckles from the angry fist they were in, “That’s so small and they shouldn’t come off that easy, of course you wouldn’t expect to lose something like that inside a patient. It was a mistake and you fixed it, please don’t beat yourself up.”

“I let Dr. Latham down... and Connor was so mad...”

“I know, and I know that’s scary,” Doctor Reese agreed, “But you fixed it and all you can do is monitor your patient and grow from the mistake.”

Ava sighed and looked down at their hands, still tightly clasped together. She didn’t remember twining their fingers together or leaning closer to Sarah, but it felt right at the time. The younger girl was her source of stability in that moment, someone she knew wouldn’t judge her or break her trust. It was that moment that Ava decided she would quite like to be more friendly with the psych resident, as she seemed like someone worth knowing.

The rest was history, really. They got closer, became friends over time. Walks for coffee on breaks and discussing cases over lunch quickly became habitual for them. Reese would stop to talk to Ava as she walked through the CICU, something she had never done before. They just worked, the two seemed to realize, and their bond only got strong. It escalated quickly one night, when they got a little too wine drunk on a well deserved night off. Sarah’s usual apprehension disappeared with every drink, returning Ava’s relentless flirting without hesitation. One drunken kiss and they knew, there was no turning back and to be honest neither of them wanted it any other way.

That had been almost eight months ago and somehow they had kept their relationship under wraps in the hospital. Sarah was the one who helped diagnose Ava’s panic and sensory processing disorders, so it was kind of an issue that they were together. She was going to have to switch to a different psychiatrist if word of their relationship spread, but that would be the least of her problems.

Ava knew it would get out eventually, probably the second Maggie caught wind of it, but she didn’t mind. She knew her feelings for Sarah and was unabashed about her bisexuality at that point. It’s not like they were the first doctors in this hospital to be involved, much less the last. She knew Connor might take it a bit hard, felt bad for stringing him along, but really he deserved it in some twisted way. Maybe it would hurt his ego just enough to crush his God complex; losing Ava to a female psych resident.

Ava was still lost in thought as the elevator doors opened to the radiology floor. She jumped when a medical student brushed past her with a halfhearted apology, tearing from her memories to walk off onto the floor. She found her way to the echo waiting area, finding the radiologist quickly.

“Jason Abrams,” the tech said with a terse tone, “You’re gonna want to see this.”

“Mitral regurge?” Ava guessed before she even saw the scan, knowing she was probably correct in her first diagnosis.

“Correct,” he replied, “Very progressed too. Looking at maybe a few weeks before complete prolapse.”

“Poor man.”

“Meds won’t fix it, then?” The tech guessed.

Ava studied the scan before shaking her head, “No, too far gone. I’m probably going to have to replace the valve ASAP, depending on how his body responds to the beta blockers.”

“Shame,” the man shook his head, “Good luck, Doctor Bekker.”

“Thanks.”

With that Ava motioned a nurse in and asked her to take Mr. Abrams up to the cardiac ICU so she could speak to him and his wife in a more comfortable location. The nurse nodded and disappeared to do just that, leaving Ava to make her way upstairs on her own.

She took out her phone and made a call as she was in the elevator alone.

“This is Doctor Reese.”

“Hey, Reese cup,” Ava smiled at the professional tone her girlfriend had answered the call with. She never looked at her caller ID and always made a habit of a professional answer.

“Oh, hi, Aves.”

“You’re cute when you sound all professional,” Ava teased.

“Oh hush,” she could almost see Sarah rolling her eyes, “What’s up?”

“Might have to push our coffee date back a little,” Ava began apologetically, “I might have to do a valve replacement now now.”

“Okay, no worries,” of course Sarah was immediately understanding, “Good luck with your surgery then.”

“Thank you, you’re a doll.”

“So you tell me,” Sarah laughed, “Your slang is sneaking in again, by the way.”

“Is it?” Ava pretended to be shocked, stepping off the elevator, “Hadn’t noticed.”

“Mhm, makes the accent even cuter.”

“Aw, bokkie~” she made sure to use the Afrikaans pet name that Sarah found embarrassingly adorable, “You flatter me.”

“What does that mean again?” Sarah asked after a moment of hesitation and Ava knew she was probably blushing like mad.

“Little doe,” The blonde supplied, “I’d say it suits you.”

“Cheesy.”

“Always,” Ava shot back, “Okay I’m up in the CICU, I’ll page you later?”

“Of course, Doctor Bekker,” Sarah’s voice changed, though not unfriendly,” I’ll see you then.”

“Charles?” Ava laughed, “Bye, love.”

“Bye, Aves.”

Ava sighed as she rounded to corner to her patient’s room, pocketing her phone, “Here goes nothing.”

***

Forty minutes later Ava was scrubbing in, taking off her rings to wash her hands thoroughly. She was humming quietly to herself, trying to ground her thoughts before surgery.

“A valve replacement?” The door had opened to reveal an annoyed Connor, “You weren’t going to page me?”

“My patient, Connor.”

“I’m the trauma surgeon, Ava!”

“You were busy,” she retorted, “And besides he wasn’t even really a trauma. I can do a valve replacement on my own, thanks.”

“You need an assist.”

“You just saying that to steal my lead surgeon position,” she rolled her eyes, “Learn to share, Connor.”

“I’m scrubbing in,” he grumbled.

“I’m lead surgeon,” Ava shook her head as she brushed past him, “Accept that or get off my case.”

She went into the OR and accepted her gown and gloves from the scrub nurse. As she was tying up her gown, she made eye contact with Jason who looked rather nervous.

She gestured for Marty to start the anesthesia, getting into her position and rolling her shoulders a little. Connor stalked into the room and got his gloves and gown, not acknowledging her placement.

“No temper tantrums in my OR, Connor.”

The surgery started completely as normal. Eventually their argument fizzled out and they fell back into the familiar rhythm of operating together. The two CT fellows may have had their ups and downs but there was no doubt that they worked well together in surgery.

“Mechanical valve?” Connor asked, as they had already removed the damaged mitral valve.

“On back order,” the scrub nurse said, “We don’t have this size right now.”

“Oh for fok’s sake,” Ava muttered, glaring sharply at Connor when he immediately mocked her accent.

“It’s funny, Ava, lighten up.”

“I don’t mock yours, Connor.”

“Size 3 porcine valve then,” Connor changed the subject, not needing to start another fight during the hardest part of the surgery.

“They degenerate in half the amount of time,” Ava groaned, “And blood thinners wouldn’t have been a problem for him.”

Connor didn’t answer and they continued the replacement, not speaking other than to direct each other’s movements or ask for other instruments. They had transplanted the valve just fine and things seemed to work out perfectly. Ava was just about to ask for the proper suture size for the pericardium when the monitor started beeping like crazy.

“Shit,” Connor cursed lowly, “Marty?”

“Afib.”

“Why?” Ava looked desperately at Connor, “What happened?”

Connor was fumbling to figure out the issue amidst the rapid, uneven beating of the patient’s heart. Ava cursed herself when she realized the issue.

“Valve must have thrown a clot.”

“Already? How?”

“I don’t know, Connor!” Ava was too overwhelmed to think straight let alone answer his mindless questions, “Internal paddles!”

They worked to regain proper rhythm, shocking the heart to restart its beating. That didn’t seem to help though, unfortunately the opposite happened. Just as they had gotten the atrial fibrillation under control, another thing went wrong.

“Blood pressure’s dropping,” a nurse called out, making Ava look up at the monitors for clarification.

“Connor.”

“I know,” he replied, trying to figure out what had gone wrong.

“Doctor Bekker,” the anesthesiologist shouted just as the machine went wild again, “He’s in vfib!”

“Jesus,” Ava’s own heart felt like it was about to jump out of her chest, “Starting intracardiac massage.” Ava began internal compressions as she muttered under her breath, “Come on, Jason, you can’t die on all of them.”

Connor was ordering the nurses around to get epinephrine and recharging the paddles. Ava could barely breathe in the moment, questioning how everything went wrong and what had even happened.

“Charging,” Connor was saying, “Clear!”

Ava moved out of the way so Connor could shock the heart, but it didn’t help the rhythm any. Ava ordered another round of epi, restarting internal compressions.

“How long’s he been down?”

“Three minutes.”

“Damn,” Connor sighed, “Charge again.”

The next bout of electricity didn’t help to restart the heart and it was clear that this wouldn’t be resolved so easily. Ava didn’t give up on compressions, still mumbling half to herself and half to the patient. By the time they had reached the ten minute mark with no improvement, Connor had to grab Ava’s wrist to get her attention.

“Ava,” he halted her movements, “Doctor Bekker, he’s been down for too long. I’m sorry.”

“No...”

“You did what you could, Ava,” Connor’s voice was softer than ever as he tried to keep her calm, “It’s time to call it.”

“Connor...” Ava’s voice sounded pained as she glanced at the clock, “... time of death, 13:47.”

The other surgeon noticed how hard Ava was shaking when they left the OR to scrub out. He watched as she washed her hands roughly, her whole body trembling. No matter how many patients they lost, it would still affect Ava like the first every time.

“Ava...”

She just shook her head, not able to make eye contact, sliding her rings back on with a frustrated movement.

“You tried your best,” he tried again, “And we won’t know what happened until an autopsy’s done. Don’t blame yourself.”

“I don’t want your foking pity, Connor.” Ava snapped, accent even thicker as she held back tears, turning on her heels to rush out of the room.

“Damn it,” Connor cursed, pulling out his phone as the door slammed shut behind the panicking woman.

***

Ava had made it to the CT doctor’s lounge before promptly collapsing on the floor. She let out a gasping breath as the panic overtook her, shame flooding her system at this reaction. Why couldn’t she just be a normal doctor and depersonalize from the loss? Instead every dead patient and lost cause had to make her feel like she was the one who was dying.

She shook her hands out aggressively, trying to channel her anxiety and frustration into motion. It didn’t help though and a pained sob ripped its way from her throat. Covering her ears as if to block out the sounds of her own anxiety, Ava was shaking even harder than before. She knew this was a full blown panic attack and she should call Sarah to get her meds, but she could bring herself to breathe much less find her phone.

“What did I do? F-fuck where did I... w-hat went wrong?”

She was hyperventilating at this point, could feel her heart beating rapidly in her own chest. The sensation only made things worse, made her thing about how Jason’s heart was no longer beating because of her. Ava was so wrapped up in her panic that she didn’t hear the door open, she didn’t even notice when someone was calling her name.

“Ava?” A familiar voice was just barely audible as she still had her hands over her ears. She felt someone sit down on the floor in front of her and could just barely make out a mass of curly hair through her tears.

“Ava, honey,” Sarah was trying to gently catch her attention, “Look at me. Ava, you’re okay.”

“S-Sarah?”

“I’m right here, see?” Sarah reached her arm out but didn’t touch her girlfriend, knowing that touch while she was panicking could only make things worse. Sarah frowned as she let out another shaky sob, “Breathe, baby. You’re okay, I promise.”

“No!” Ava suddenly shrieked, clasped her hands even tighter over her ears. Sarah flinched at the outburst and apologized softly.

“I’m... it’s not- not okay.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Sarah agreed, “What’s not okay?”

“He’s dead,” Ava spat, “He’s dead... dead because of m-me.”

Sarah sighed, “Your patient? Oh, Ava, I’m sure you did everything to save him.”

“He- he just...” her sentence was cut off as she whined in frustration, hands coming off her head to smack her legs.

“Hey, hey, Ava,” Sarah said firmly, “Don’t hurt yourself.”

“I- I don’t care!”

“I know, but I do,” Sarah reached out a hand gently but didn’t touch her, “Can I hold your hands? I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to.”

Ava looked at her with tear-filled eyes, “Too much.”

“Too much?” Sarah repeated, “What is? The lights or the sound?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Okay,” Sarah stood up to go shut off the lights, sighing when Ava cried even harder when she left. “I’m coming back, baby,” she said as she rushed back over once the room was darkened significantly. She sat back down in front of Ava, who had her face hidden in her forearms and was slouched over painfully.

“Ava,” she tried to get her attention again, “Do you have your earplugs?”

The blonde made some kind of confirming sound, shifting in a way that Sarah saw as an invitation to get them from her pocket. She spoke softly as she did so, making sure not to spook her girlfriend.

“Okay, I have them right here,” she said as she held the orange foam in her hand, “But I wanna talk to you first, then you can have these and we can be as quiet as you need.”

“Don’t want... to talk.”

“You don’t have to, but I would like to talk to you, is that okay? I missed you today.”

Ava didn’t respond, though she did peek through her arms a little bit. A minuscule nod preceded a little sniffle, making Sarah’s heart ache at the pain her girlfriend was in.

“Can you take a deep breath for me, Ava?”

Ava hesitated but eventually a shaky breath left her lungs, her arms slowly coming away from her face. Sarah smiled sadly at her, noting the makeup streaked down her cheeks and her red eyes; this had been a bad panic attack.

“Hey there, pretty girl,” Sarah said gently, hoping to make her feel a bit better with the lighthearted words. Ava squeaked at that, lip still quivering as her anxiety hadn’t completely left yet.

“Breathe,” Sarah reminded her, taking her own deep breath to prompt the surgeon to do the same. This next one was less shaky, though a big sniffle preceded it.

“Good,” Sarah smiled again, “You’re okay, baby.”

“Not... not really.”

“Not now, maybe,” Sarah agreed, “But you’re safe and I’m going to help you.”

“I... I- let him down, S-Sarah.”

“Who?” Sarah prompted, shifting a little bit closer without touching her yet.

“Connor... Latham,” Ava’s eyes welled back up with tears as she spoke the last name, “J-Jason.”

“Oh, Ava. You didn’t let anyone down. You did your very best as a surgeon, okay?”

“H-how do you know that?”

Sarah sighed, “Baby?”

“Y-yeah?”

“C’mere,” the resident opened her arms, an invitation for Ava to find comfort in them. The older woman hesitated, still half in panic mode, but Sarah’s gentle eyes won her over in the end.

Sarah smiled sadly as Ava half crawled the short distance to slump in her arms, her face quickly finding its hiding place in her neck. Sarah just wrapped her arms around her securely, holding her girlfriend’s shaking body in an attempt to slow her heart rate.

“You, Ava Bekker, are an amazing surgeon,” she began softly, “You work so tirelessly, you’re so selfless when it comes to patients. You love your job, Ava, and you’re insanely good at it. How did you let anyone down today?”

“He... he didn’t- didn’t make it.”

“That happens,” Sarah replied, “Unfortunately. He wasn’t your first loss and he won’t be your last. I know you hurt for him and I know it’s a horrible feeling. You did everything you could, though.”

“How do you know that?” Ava repeated, pained eyes meeting Sarah’s.

“Because you’re the most caring and meticulous surgeon I know. I know you and you certainly wouldn’t give up unless it was the only thing to do.”

“I hate this.”

“I know, love,” Sarah’s gentle hand came up to take the elastic out of Ava’s hair, “I’m so sorry.”

Ava leaned into the loving touch as she smoothed down her hair, her breathing finally even. Tears were still steadily falling down her cheeks, falling into the crook of Sarah’s neck and staining her dress shirt.

“I have your pills,” Sarah said softly, “You want one? It might help.”

There was an extended silence before another minuscule nod. Sarah went to pull back, trying to get the bottle out of her coat, but Ava whined and held tightly onto her.

“Hey,” Sarah cooed softly, “Calm down, Aves. I’m not going anywhere. I just wanna get you some Ativan and water, okay? Then we can sit on the couch together and calm down.”

It took some gentle persuasion before Ava untangled herself from Sarah and stood on shaky legs. Her girlfriend smiled at her sadly, taking her trembling hand to lead her to one of the couches in the lounge. She pressed gently on Ava’s shoulders to get her to sit, leading down to drop a kiss to her forehead.

“Just getting some water,” she promised as she made her way to the counter, grabbing a familiar mug of Ava’s off the drying rack. She filled it with cold water from the cooler, taking out the bottle of sedatives and grabbing one for her as well. Sarah turned back to find Ava curled into herself on the couch, face buried in her hands again. Coming over, she crouched in front of the surgeon and nudged her leg. “Here, my love,” her voice was impossibly gentle, “You need to relax.”

Ava frowned but moved her hands, taking the cup and allowing Sarah to place the pill under her tongue. She let the thing melt, wincing at the taste, but knew the sublingual method would get it into her bloodstream faster. She took a sip of water when it was gone, finally realizing how dehydrated she was from crying so long. She finished the mug in under a minute, making Sarah chuckle lowly when she took the cup back.

The brunette set the cup down on the table, sitting beside Ava on the couch. She held out her hand, the earplugs nestled on her palm like a peace offering. Her girlfriend gave her a pained smile and took them back, debating on if she wanted them in or not.

“Sarah?” Ava sighed shakily, “I’m... I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for, Aves?”

“Being such a pain,” Ava mumbled, “This was highly dramatic of me.”

Sarah shook her head, a gentle hand coming to rest on Ava’s thigh, “This is my job, babe, I can assure you that this was an entirely nature response to stress. You have two diagnoses that make this 100x times harder and you still manage to be an amazing surgeon; sometimes you’re going to have meltdowns.”

“I still hate it.”

“I know,” Sarah nodded, “But we got through it, right?”

Ava shrugged again and they fell into silence for a moment, Ava letting out a very shaky sigh. Her girlfriend turned to look at her, smiling at what she saw. The Ativan had clearly taken affect, Ava’s eyes were drooping and her breathing had evened out finally. She looked at Sarah wearily, mumbling something under her breath.

“Tired?”

“Mm,” Ava agreed, “Don’t like pills. Wanna... be awake.”

“I know, baby,” Sarah laughed, “But they help, don’t they?”

Another nod, Ava blinked sleepily at her, “Hug?”

The younger woman immediately opened her arms, pulling her close once again. Ava sighed and leaned into her embrace, finally calm for the first time in hours.

“You can nap here, if you want,” Sarah murmured, “No sense moving to a on call room or anything. You don’t need to see patients right now, Doctor Latham would understand.”

“No... stay...”

“Ava,” Sarah chuckled and shimmied until she was laying down on the couch, pulling her girlfriend down with her, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Ava seemed happy with their current position, shifting her weight on top of Sarah and snuggling down comfortably. She handed her earplugs to Sarah, letting her put them in her ears because her hands were still unsteady. With the sound of the room dramatically decreased and her eyes heavy from the sedative, she felt her anxiety ebbing away to exhaustion.

“Get some rest,” she heard Sarah’s muffled words, “You’re safe and you did so well today.” Ava felt soft hands on her back, smoothing down her unruly hair again and rubbing gently at the tense muscles of her upper back. She sighed, finally letting herself relax into her girlfriend’s safe embrace.

“You don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s okay to feel things, yeah? You know I’m always here.”

Ava nodded against her chest, “Ja,” the Afrikaans slipping into her vocabulary as she drifted between sleep and wake, “I... love you, Bokkie.”

Sarah’s cheeks flushed and she was very glad that Ava couldn’t see that reaction to tease her about it, “I love you too, Aves.”

***

Connor rubbed at his face tiredly, making his way down the hallway. He knew he must have left his jacket around the CT floor somewhere, just couldn’t remember where. He reached the doctor’s lounge, hoping he would find it thrown across a chair or something so he could go home. He did not expect to find the sight in front of him when he opened the door.

In the darkened room, the minimal sunlight from the windows highlighted the two figures on the couch closest to the door. Ava was fast asleep on top of Sarah Reese, neon orange earplugs peeking out from under her hair and makeup streaked down her cheeks. Sarah had her arms protectively around Ava’s waist and the younger woman was still awake. She was occupying herself by playing with Ava’s soft blonde hair, the gentle gesture evidently tender. Connor was not expecting her to lean down and press a kiss to Ava’s head, a loving action he immediately knew indicated something way beyond friendship.

He must have made a sound, shifted too heavy or something, because Sarah jumped and looked up. He could see her cheeks turn bright red with embarrassment and knew she wasn’t expecting to be caught in such a vulnerable situation with the least vulnerable surgeon in Gaffney.

“Doctor Rhodes...” Sarah’s voice was a barely audible whisper, clearly trying not to wake the exhausted woman in her arms.

Connor hushed her, shaking his head with a small smile. Maybe it was better this way, even if his initial reaction was the wish to curse and fight for Ava like he always did. Seeing her like this, soft and vulnerable in a way even he had scarcely seen, made him know. Ava loved the psych resident, and the feeling was mutual. She clearly found her safety net in Sarah, and who was he to fight that when he knew how much she needed that?

“Thank you,” he whispered, pointing at Ava with a sad look. He grabbed his jacket off the desk chair, waving goodbye to Sarah and taking one last glance at his beloved fellow surgeon in her arms.

Take care of her, Reese

[korkisobsessions]

The Oath

XXI. Pagan

Thunderstorm was coming.

Air was warm and heavy, buzzing with something wild. She can feel her hair stood up with tension.

She was sitting on the porch, everything was dark, only light came from horizon. More and more often, lightning illuminated her surroundings with white light.

He wants sacrifice she promised to him. It was two weeks, since she prayed to father of gods, pleading for Yeong shin’s life. When he was laying in front of her, wounded, weak and blind, she prayed and begged father of gods not to take him away from her.

He survived and now was her time to pay her price.

Hard lump was forming in her throat when she realised what she must do.

Nilah saw a lot of rituals, but never made one. But she was sure that He will hear her and accept her sacrifice no matter how she does it. He will hear her heart.

Loud thunder vibrates through the air when she made a fire. She mixed ash and white clay with water and paint her face and hands with runes of her ancient language.

Yeong shin was calmly sleeping inside the house and didn’t knew about it. Maybe he will be scared if he saw her...

... But he cannot.

All he could see was darkness.

“Hail all-father, wise warrior, one eyed wanderer. Come, sit at my fire.” She whispered to blinding lightings.

“Tell me your wisdom stories...the scenes your missing eye sees.” Her blood was loud in her ears, beating of her heart screaming into the night.

“You, who choses the slain, look on my deeds. And when my times comes, to run the sky with you, let my end be worthy of songs.”

She was nervous when she takes out sharp dagger that sparks in the light of flames and lightning. Her prayer was so strong she can feel presence of all-Father. For a second she thought she saw his broad silhouette between the trees. But it was just a shadow.

“in the meantime, let me understand sacrifice, think long, remember well...”

She laid her palm on the ground and her stomach cramps. Cold sweat run down her back.

“Odin witness this...” strong wind took words from her lips. She grips the dagger firmly and with one quick stab she cut of her little finger.

She wanted to be brave and not to cry, but the pain was overwhelming.

Blood spill the ground and sputter when she tosses her flesh to the flames. She watched it burn and felt painful pulsing in her new wound.

“Please, accept this humble sacrifice as a sign of my gratitude.”

With last touch she paints a symbol over her lips with her own blood and finished her prayer.

When she raised sight from the flames, she saw him when the lightning strikes.

Sang-Ho’s face between the trees illuminated by cold light was white as a moon. His eyes watching her like two hungry pits that wants to swallow her soul. His lips pale and bloodless.

It was just a blink of an eye and he was gone.

Nilah screamed and fall backwards on the ground, trying to stood up and run away, but her legs were suddenly like from mud. She held her knife in trembling hand but it was slipping from her fingers because of blood and sweat.

Her heart was beating so fast that her head was spinning and she felt sick.

And she run.

But she wasn’t running for her life. It was vulnerable Yeong shin, alone what scared her more.

First cold raindrops hit her back and run down her exposed arms. She was wet to the bone when she got inside the house breathless. Her lips were cold and hands shaking in fear. All the ritual colours washed from her face by rain.

Yeong shin was probably woken up by loud thunders and was clumsily looking for her. She bites her hand not to whimper loudly. Hot tears run down her cheeks. She was so scared that all she wants to do was laid down to Yeong shins arms and calm down.

But she can’t.

He was blind and it was her time to protect him, no matter how scared she was.

And she didn’t want to upset him.

“Nilah?” he called her name, his arms searching for her.

“I’m here.” She choked. “I was...just...if donkey is all right...in this storm.” she made quick look from the window, but all she saw was silhouettes of trees. And when the lighting hits, there was no Sang-Ho.

“Nilah? What happened?” Yeong shins face was serious and his voice worried. He made few brave steps without support of the wall. It was few steps into nothingness with hope to find something to lean on.

“Nothing. It’s all good.”

He was searching his surroundings when he finally found her hand.

“I’m maybe blind, but I’m not dumb.” Yeong shin laid his palm on her chest, his eyes still covered by silk scarf. “Your voice is trembling and I can feel your heart beat too fast. You are scared Nilah.

Nilah closed her eyes and another tears run down her face. She bites her lips with desperation and whine.

“I saw him again. He was watching me from the forest.”

She felt his hands held her tighter. Even though he was blind, he was ready to protect her.

He was calm and ready. His hand found her trembling palm holding knife. “Good. Keep it.”

“Yeong shin...” she sobbed weakly. Her head was spinning and legs became weaker. She didn’t realise that it was her blood dripping from her fingertips. That she cut of her own finger and is losing blood.

“Give me my shotgun.” He lifted his hand in expectation. “and make a mess here. Put everything you can find in the way. It’s dark?” he raised his face to her like he could saw her again. And she really wished he could. She wanted to see his calm eyes.

“y-yes it is dark.” She stuttered.

“Good. If he come inside, he will make a noise and I will shoot him.”

Few minutes later she finished her work. Everything she could find she put in the way. Every bowl, basket or vase. Everything occupied the space of their main room.

Yeong shin was sitting in the bedroom on the ground with his gun in his lap; coldly calm like a statue.

Nilah joined him and collapsed on the ground next to him. She was almost unconscious trying so hard to stay awake. Scared what could happened if she loses her fight.

“Nilah?”  he held her hand and felt warm sticky liquid on his fingers. “This is not rain water. You are bleeding...” and than he felt it. She whines when he touches the wound where her finger used to be. “Nilah!” he quickly ripped off the scarf from his eyes and carefully bandage her palm.

“I’m sorry! I was foolish.” She weakly leans her head on his shoulder. Suddenly she almost forgets that Sang-Ho was probably somewhere out there. She was just tired and weak.

“Don’t sleep. Tell me what happened!” he was holding her close to keep her shaking body warm and still listening to every noise. It was hard because of raging thunderstorm.

“I made sacrifice. Because Gods spare your life. I sacrifice my flesh and blood.”

“Nilah! What have you done!” He was mad. Rage filling his insides with bitter taste.

“It should be good. I was ready to take care of the wound. But then I saw him and panicked. I run and forgot that I’m bleeding.”

“You shouldn’t make that sacrifice at first!” he spoke quietly through clenched teeth. “I don’t want you to spill single drop of your blood because of me!”

“It’s my religion Yeong shin. I prayed for your life and they heard me out. I must pay for it.”

“I didn’t survive because of your gods. I survived because you took care of me and because I love you.”

He was angry at her for such foolishness. Just idea of her precious blood, wasted, was making his blood boil. And that she shed it because of him made him furious.

She just smiled. He heard that in her voice.

“Just because you don’t have fait, it doesn’t mean there is nothing above us.”

“I do have fait. I believe in you and me. In the fact that sun will rise in the morning and fall in the evening. This is my fate that doesn’t need sacrifices.”

She didn’t answer. Her head slowly fall to his lap. He held her closer, feeling her heart beating steadily. He found blanket and cover her and prepared himself for a long night.

~°~

“Nilah...” his voice came to her like from distance. She opened her eyes to beautiful morning. Sun was already high in the sky and air was fresh after storm.

She raised her head from Yeong shin’s lap and look around with confusion. Events of night were cloudy. First thing that woke her properly was pulsing pain in her hand. Her palm bond with silk scarf was dark from dried blood, her shirt was dirty from blood and mud and damp from the rain.

And mess were all around. All their belongings were everywhere around.

And Yeong shin was worst. He was tired with dark circles under his painfully shut eyes. Bright light always hurts his eyes. His hands and back stiff from siting on the floor with his shotgun ready.

“I think someone is coming. I hear footsteps, but...its weird.”

“I will take a look” She took knife to her healthy hand and carefully made her way to front door. When she opened them, she let out breath she didn’t know was holding.

Jae-Bong, Bon Hwa and Miho were coming. Jae Bong had crutches and was slowly limping. That was that weird footsteps Yeong shin heard.

“Is it blood?” Bon Hwa saw her first and her face paled.

“Nilah? Where is Yeong shin?”

Nilah just smiled and wave on them. “It’s nothing, just...accident”

Before they came closer, she made path between cups and bowls on the floor, cover Yeong shin’s eyes with clean scarf and helped him outside.

It was the first time after the fire when Jae-Bong and Yeong shin met. Nilah helped him sit down on bench and brought chair for Jae Bong.

Their neighbour was silent, watching Yeong shins face with glossy eyes. Nilah noticed how hardly he was swallowing and how his hands were trembling.

Miho was siting in the grass away from them, with his head down and playing with stick and knife. He looked like different kid. Sad and lifeless. Angry red burns on his neck and chin shine on his light skin.

“He needs time. He still cannot accept his scars.” Bon Hwa spoke when she noticed Nilah’s look on boy.

“I can talk to him later.”

“That is why we are here, to be honest.” Older woman looked at Jae Bong and then back at Nilah. “What if I take care of your hand? We should let men talk.”

Both women disappear in the house. Nilah remove her makeshift bonding and hissed when her wound starts to bleeding again.

“Oh! That is...What happened? And what happened here?” Bon Hwa looked around their living room.

“it was...just accident.”

“I see...I’m old enough to know when to burry my curiosity.” Her face was suddenly older and eyes wiser.

“What is with Jae Bong?” Nilah asked, when older women start to examine her wound.

She took bottle of soju from the shelf and pour her a cup. Nilah wanted to drink it, but Bon Hwa instead soaked piece of cloth in it and then press it to her wound to clean it.

And Nilah cry loudly. She wasn’t expecting it and burning pain surprised her.

Bon hwa looked calm and starts to wrap Nilah’s palm with clean bandage.

“Jae Bong is mess since the fire. He blames himself that he could not save Miho and Yeong shin must run to the fire and end up blind. He sees it as his fault. He was avoiding Yeong shin because he was ashamed.”

“That is silly. It was all just accident. He can’t blame himself for thinks he cannot change.”

“It’s just wound that needs time to heal.”

~

Yeong shin and Jae Bong were siting next to each other in silence. Yeong shin wanted to talk, but he doesn’t know how to start. There was just too much between them. And Jae Bong was suddenly nervous when he saw Yeong shin so helpless. He didn’t know him long, but he knew how tough and lethal he could be.

Since he and Miho live under Bon Hwa’s roof and since he could not walk, they spent a lot of time talking with his cousin. And one night she spoke about things she didn’t usually talk. Jae Bong listened about Yeong shin, how he saves Bon Hwa’s son and how he run back to help crown Prince. How he shoots monsters right into forehead. His ability to act and fight.

And now he saw man who couldn’t walk down the stairs without help. And it was breaking his heart.

It was Jae Bong who broke the silence.

“You know...I loved my wife deeply.” He coughs when his voice broke. “She was my everything. After she died, Miho and this village became centre of my life.

I was always leader of little calm village. Someone could say it’s boring here. But I love this place.

Since you two came, we have murder, and fire...”

“You want us to leave.” Yeong shin’s voice was quiet and serious. It wasn’t question.

“I need you to take all of your strength. We must protect our village. You are part of it...” Jae Bong’s voice broke “You saved my Miho. I will never be able to make it up to you.” Tears were running down his face. Yeong shin raised his hand and found Jae Bong’s shoulder.

“You can” Yeong shin smiled “Just be my friend.”

“Deal.” Jae Bong laughed heartily.

 Since then, conversation flow like water in the river. Nilah and Bon Hwa joined them after they cleaned up the house. They talk about silly simple things, about gardening, and how Nilah should sing more often.

They leave after lunch and Nilah helped Yeong shin inside. She saw, how tired he was.

She prepared him warm bath. His fingers entwined with hers when she led him towards bathing tun.

“I can undress on my own.” He raised eyebrows when he felt her palms opening his shirt.

“I know, but I like it.” She smiled playfully. He raised his hands and held her face in his palms. His fingertips gently touching curve of her lips.

“I still see you, even though I can’t.” He pulled her closer and kissed her, his lips warm and hungry.

They share bath together, helping each other to wash backs. He loved when she massages his shoulders and muscles on his back. Her fingers tracing patterns of his scars. This was his home. Their shared intimacy in bath. Their tangled legs under water, and comforting touching. It was something he could share only with Nilah. She was his love, he wanted to touch her naked body, and she was his fellow soldier, she knows how comforting could warm water be to sore muscles and heavy mind.

She was only one in whole world.

It wasn’t even dark jet, but they lay down in their bed still naked and hungry for touch. She guid his arms to her waist and her palms cares his face to envelope his lips in hungry kiss.

After endless dark day he was closer to his old self. After long time, she treated him like a man, not like fragile disabled weakling. She bites his lower lip with passion and scratches his back when he maps her body with his fingers and later with lips.

When he couldn’t see her, he must feel her with all his remaining senses.

He was going crazy from her scent that was filling his nose, it was something that makes him wild. Scent of her arousal could made him kill tiger with bare hands.

He was on top of her, kissing, licking and biting his way down to her navel enjoying sounds she made. Her heavy breathing and moaning, and when his teeth bite her skin on her hip, she cries out, but it was not painful. It was pleasurable sound.

His rough hands holding her on her place. And he was glad he could have advantage. Once again, he could be the stronger one. Leader of situation. And her skin was so soft and warm from bath. Even though she had her scars, he loved them. He kissed rough scar close to her hip bone where wooden splinter pierced her side in Hanyang. He remembered how he held her when Seo-Bi was pulling it out of her body. How she locked her eyes with his with innocence and endless trust. She knew him just a few days and still she had a faith in him. If he could travel back in time, he would held that scared but brave little bird in his arms and protect her from everything. Sang-Ho would never lay a finger on her.

He still can’t forget how scared she always was when she thought she saw him. He was probably still in Sangju and maybe he even forgot them. And all that imagines were only in Nilah’s head.

But he didn’t want to risk it. If he must be awake all night then be it. He swore he will protect her no matter what. No matter he is blind now.

“I love you more than anything.” He whispered and burry his face between her tights.

It was her taste, that woke up animal.

[angst-king]

1-10

(This is a fanfiction for Haikyuu, Tendou is handicapped and uses a wheelchair to get around the school. He is able to walk and run but only for short period of time so he uses a wheel chair for most situations except for sports. I have this exact disability so yes this is real)

Tendou wasn’t himself today, he was quieter and seemed to be a little preoccupied but still focused. Tendou hoped no one would notice or question him, he was already on edge and anxious. He was in a lot of pain, he was having a bad day and his body was gonna make sure he knew it. He knew he was having a bad day when he woke up three hours before he usually did for school and couldn’t feel his legs. He couldn’t move on his own and practically dragged his body with only his upper body strength. By the time he had to get up for school it felt as if his entire lower body was on fire. He was sensitive and couldn’t even let his toes touch the carpet without shuddering, but. He had practice and he didn’t wanna miss it. Besides it was only a seven out of ten level pain he could get through it. He wanted to prove that he was a worthy teammate who didn’t flake out because of a bit of pain. Yeah it was only a bit, he could handle this, Satori had had much worse than this right? Well he had but he would come to regret not staying home.

Putting on his knee braces, then his ankle braces made it a little better. At least he could somewhat stand without the urge to crawl back into bed. He got ready for school even if it was a grueling task. His gym bag was packed and so was his bookbag, he hardly had the energy to eat, or make anything to eat so he just grabbed a protein shake and made his way to school.

It wasn’t a long way there but with his body feeling like it would give out on him, it felt as if it took ages to get to school. He had his gloves on which was good or else his fingers would be in just as much his lower body. HIs legs felt as if he had no control. He got to the gym and tried to act as if things were normal, trying to keep himself focused, stifling cries of pain. Each jump was agony, each turn and squat made him want to sob. Teeth clenched as he forced himself silent, not trusting his mouth to let out words. He knew that he was reaching his hard limits but he had school! And it was only an seven out of ten still maybe even an eight. He could do it right? He didn’t need to worry anyone over something he could handle right?

Classes went by, thankfully the elevator was working but his body wasn’t. He wanted to go back to bed and sleep this away, he wanted to be with Ushijima but. He always helped him, he always pushed the red head around if he got too tired to do it himself or get things for him if he couldn’t reach. Or push him to do better and better each practice. Ushijima was his boyfriend and his caregiver in multiple ways and Tendou loved and appreciated it but he felt bad sometimes. He felt as if he was being dependent on Ushijima. Using him for things, or not showing how capable he could be. Even on days he needed Ushijima the most he kept that to himself. Today was one of those days. If you asked him right now, on a scale of 1-10 how much pain was he in he’d say either 6-8.5. He didn’t like being vulnerable, vulnerable people are taken advantage of and he hated it, they were also looked down upon and he despised that. 

Wakatoshi noticed his lover’s slightly strange behavior. He knew the other was always in pain but had never witnessed his bad days. Only his meh days, his good days, and his I can do it ones. His bad or horrible days were usually kept out of view from others and rarely happened at school. He felt for the red head, he was truly one of the strongest people he’d ever met. Heck Tendou never complained about the pain he was in even if it were to get bad he never once said “I can’t do this” or “its too much” or just quit. He’d watched the guest monster bruise up his body which he knew wasn’t gonna be good for him in the long run but. Knew this was his only place he felt free of his handicap. He knew this was where he could truly prove himself and feel like he could be a part of something. Wakatoshi commenced Tendou for his drive to become stronger though. He sometimes wished he weren’t so stubborn and would listen to his body more. Take breaks, stretch longer than the others, tell them when it was too much instead of putting himself through hell. He had a feeling that Tendou wasn’t doing so well, he noticed the small movements, twitches, jerks, and sounds he made. He noticed the fidgeting, the weakness, and sluggishness in his moves on the court which Tendou did a good job of covering up He didn’t know how much longer he could take, his body was starting to shake, he could hardly hold himself up. The pain would migrate from his knees and down, up to just his hips, then his back and then become a dominating feeling from his lower back to the tips of his toes. It made him very fidgety and scared, it was sudden and exhausting for him, he was feeling drained it his shoulders and arms were already sore from the practice the day before. It got the point that he couldn’t hold a pencil. He was in math class when he picked up his pencil with a shaky hand but he couldn’t hold it still enough to write then. Sharp pains ripped through him up his back, each breath pain interrupted his thoughts. He couldn’t breath if it brought him pain so he held his breath but. His involuntary apnea forced him to inhale which made him cry out as his entire body felt like it had been struck by lightning. This was noticed by Wakatoshi who was only a few feet away. He eyes him curiously then he sees his shaking become more and more visible that it frightened him. He got out of his seat and called Tendou's name. “Tendou! Tendou can you hear me?!” Tendou nods quietly, tears welling up in his eyes, the class’s attention is brought to them. Tendou couldn’t stop shaking, his body had tensed up and he wasn’t breathing in normal patterns, inhaling and holding his breath to minimize those lightning pains but they had him gasping which made him cry out. “Gagh!” His eyes rolled back and his body jerked forwards almost hitting his desk which Ushijima stopped just in time holding him up, the teacher asked. “Is everything alright over there?” Ushijima didn’t know how to answer “I think something’s wrong with him.” Was all he could reply, while looking worriedly at Tendou. Whimpering and gasping Tendou was crying as the teacher came over. “Oh goodness, Tendou kiddo, can you answer me?” Tendou could hardly move let alone answer “Lets get him to the nurse’s office, I don’t know what’s going on but maybe she can help?” Ushijima nods and grabs Tendou’s bookbag off of his chair then wheeling his boyfriend out of the classroom with the teacher following in toe. The nurse had no idea on what to do with Tendou but let him lay down in a cot she had. This saddened Ushijima to see Tendou like this but he was able to breathe by the time he was laying down. “Hey Ten, you okay...can you tell me what hurts?” “m-my legs k-kinda hurt” Tendou lied, he didn’t want to make Ushijima stay with him, the taller boy had much more important things to do than worry about him. Ushijima shook his head and he could tell Tendou was trying to be brave. “Ten I need you to be honest please.” But the crimson haired male just shook his head. “I’ll be back with my book bag, I’m gonna take you home.” Wakatoshi knew how much more comfortable Satori was in his own home so he knew this method would work better. Tendou was feeling small and when Wakatoshi asked him all of those questions he felt smaller, like a little kid. Which in some circumstances was good, Tendou was an age regressor and it allowed him to be vulnerable in front of people so this would help Wakatoshi assess Tendou better.

Blushing Tendou frantically tries to decline “N-no Ushijima, please you don’t have to.” He was stuttering and wincing that didn’t prove his protest to be valid at all. Ushijima gave Tendou a kiss on his forehead and said  “But I want to” then he headed back to his classroom, the teacher wrote out an excuse for the two by the time Ushijima had come back. Bookbag on his back, he helps Tendou into his wheelchair and puts Tendou’s bag on the back of his chair. “You ready Ten?” Ushijima asked, earning a quiet nod, so the taller teen wheeled him out of the nurse’s office and soon out of the school. Ushijima could tell Tendou didn’t feel good, he could see the pain in the way he tried to curl up in the chair or the way he bit his lip and clenched down his facial features. All he could do was remind him that it was gonna be okay. Arriving at Tendou’s place he pushed his boyfriend up his ramp and helped him inside. “How about we change into some comfier clothes okay?” Suggested Ushijima Tendou nods shyly knowing he is gonna have to be carried up the stairs. Each loving gesture the team captain made towards Tendou made him feel so close to slipping into little space but. He didn’t want to be a burden and put more responsibilities on him. Even if Ushijima had taken care of Tendou both in and out of little space, he still felt bad about it sometimes. “Arms up babe” He says so Tendou obeys, raising his arms up, Ushijima carrying Satori bridal style to his room. Setting him down on the bed, Ushijima went through Satori’s closet when he heard a soft voice. “u-um...Ushiji?” Ushijima turned to look at Satori who was playing with the hem of his school uniform shirt. “Yes?” “I-i feel little.” He started bashfully with a blush tinting his cheeks a light pink. Wakatoshi gave a small grin and nodded “Alright then, wanna put on your comfy lil boy clothes?” Tendou nods at this question so while going through Satori’s closet he found a sweater that was colored by the colors of the ocean zones. It ranged from the sunlight zone all the way down to the twilight zone that had lil sparks of whites,blues and greens to represent the bioluminescent creatures that lived down there. Then he found some light cream colored soft comfortable shorts. He then helps Tendou who tried to undress himself but it hurts so he lets his daddy do it for him. Once dressed, Wakatoshi adjusts the straps of the stabilizing braces Tendou wore around his ankles and knees. Wakatoshi changed out of his school clothes into a sweatshirt and jeans. He always had some spare clothes at Satori’s place in case he needed to stay with him last minute. Dressed, Ushijima went into Tendou’s box of lil space items, finding his book bag and extra things. He put the bag on the bed and gave Tendou his blanket just like the sweater it was all of the zones of the ocean. Going through his bag Tendou grabbed his blue paci as Ushijima grabbed the stuffies they got each other for their first date. Tendou had an orca and Ushijima had a Manatee. The taller teen crawled onto the bed and brought Tendou close to him. “Lil one, I need you to be honest, on a scale of 1-10 how much pain are you in?” Tendou had been a little distracted but he knew what he’d been feeling all day and couldn’t lie. “Ei-eight.” “Alright baby, good job being honestly. I’m sorry it hurts so much, I know i can’t really do much about it but I’m still here if you need anything.” Nodding quietly he gets comfortable with his lover.Ushijima knew he couldn’t put his baby boy to sleep but he could keep him as relaxed as possible but. He knew it would be hard knowing at any moment his pain levels could go from an eight to a ten. 

So distracting him with his phone, letting the little watch videos for a while would help.It had been a while and Ushijima needed to charge his phone so he started to get up shifting Tendou off gently then he felt Tendou hold onto him. “Hm baby I’m not going anywhere just gonna plug my phone in. I’ll use your laptop so we can watch videos o-” Then he hears soft sniffling, he looks down to see Tendou in tears, his hands balled up clutching Ushijima’s shirt as he shook. “Sator?” A sudden gasp came and a whimper came out. Burying his face into Wakatoshi’s chest, Tendou cried out “Ten! Ten!” At first he had no clue why the regressor was saying ‘Ten’ like this until he felt him tense and let out a choked out gasp. Eyes filled with worry Ushijima sits up and gets off the bed holding Tendou but more in a toddler hold. “Shhh shhh it's okay baby, I know it hurts I’m sorry.” He quickly tries to sooth him but he knows it's useless. “What hurts is it your back?” Tendou shakes his head”M-my legs!” Wakatoshi begins to walk around the room holding Tendou while rubbing his back to try and sooth him. “I’m sorry baby boy, just hang in there.” Crying into Wakatoshi’s shoulder, Satori is shaking hard from the pain, scaring him by its suddenness. “S-so scarwy, pw-pwease make it stop daddy!”Pain like this always made Tendou’s anxiety spike especially as a little, he didn’t understand why he’d be in pain all of a sudden sometimes. Wakatoshi truly hated to see his baby in such pain, especially seeing as there was almost nothing he could do to make the pain stop. Massaging it doesn’t help, pain medication doesn’t help and it will take a while for it to work any way. “Deep breaths lil one, I know just try and take deep breaths for me please.” Satori tried to relax himself but the pain was getting worse, keeping his lower body paralyzed as if his muscles, bones and nerves were set on fire. “D-daddy it hurts so much, it hurts!” The crying boy exclaims as his cheeks flush and his knuckles turn white from how tightly he’s holding onto Wakatoshi who doesn't wince knowing this little sting is nothing compared to agony his baby boy is in. Standing beside Tendou’s bed he gives him small gingerly placed kisses on his neck and temple while his hands caress and rub in small soothing circles. 

It's a while before Tendou calms down. The pain is dying down enough for Tendou’s grip to loosen up on Ushijima. He’s tired and still in pain but it's not as intense as the searing pain that ripped him apart. Ushijima sits back down on the bed sitting so Tendou is sitting in his lap. Ushijma grabbed Tendou’s stuffie and gives it back to him since he abandoned it as soon as the pain became too much. “You’re so brave, such a brave lil sea monster.” It was a nickname Ushijima gave Tendou which the redhead loved. “How bad is it now lil sea monster?”  He asked, Tendou thought about it then replied “eight” again “Alright, let me know if it gets worse again okay.” “o-okay daddy” “Remember Daddy doesn’t mind taking care of you because I know you need it. I know its draining for you to be all tough about it all day, especially on your bad days and I will be there for you. On your good, meh, and horrible days...even if you can’t move I’ll be there.. I won't leave you, I’m not embarrassed or ashamed. I love you with all my heart my lil sea monster.” His words had Tendou melting into the team captain’s strong frame that was warm and comforting. Fingers carding through scarlet locks pushing them down and out of his face to plant kisses there. Ushijima meant every word he said and Tendou knew it. “I love you too daddy”

[vintageneptune92]

Rain Song- Prolouge

So I promised myself I wouldn’t start any new stories until I worked on my pre-existing works. But...I just haven’t gotten anywhere with them creatively. I tried doing requests for one shots to spark my writers block and it didn’t work. This, however...came flowing out rather easily. So I’m going with it.

This is my first toe dip into Harry Potter. I’ve had this idea for a really long time. It will probably not follow cannon completely as I am creating an original character. But the bones remain the same.

Here’s the skinny- Sirius Black falls in love with Remus Lupin’s younger sister. Evanora Lupin-Black is a powerful Witch & Seer. (I’m kind of going with my own ideas with Seer mythology based on some HP stuff and some of my own ideas). 

Sirius and Nora have a daughter who Remus Lupin must raise after the death of his sister and the imprisonment of is brother-in-law

Let me know what you think!

You are the sunlight in my growing - So little warmth I’ve felt before 

October 31, 1981 “Remus...Remus you must take her and go! Please!” Evanora begged her big brother to take the sleeping child wrapped in her arms. She looked down at her daughter, the unfairness of the situation was palpable. She knew this was the last time she would see the most perfect thing she had ever done. She had spent the time waiting for her brother staring at a picture of her daughter and her father. She wanted the faces of the two loves of her life to be seared into her brain when the lights went out. 

“What of Sirius?” Remus couldn’t take her. She was safer with Sirius. “She should be with her father.” Remus felt a pang. Sirius had recently been keeping him at arms length. Almost two years ago he trusted Remus with the life of his daughter when he was named as her Godfather. Now...Remus didn’t know what had caused the change. Perhaps the stress of the war. The fear for his family. The fear that Voldemort would take James, Lily and Harry. Fear sowed doubt. But Nora...Nora’s faith in her brother was unwavering. It always had been. Lycanthropy be dammed. Remus knew there had been contention between his sister and his friend because of Sirius’ change in attitude. Yet Remus knew, no matter what, his sister was meant to be with Sirius Black.

 “He’s- I don’t know where he is. Please Remus. They’re coming. I won’t survive this. But she MUST. Please-“ Her voice broke as she choked back a sob. Nora had been preparing for this for months. Filling books with letters and instructions for her daughter. Pulling memories for her to see. Nora quite literally saw it all coming, yet she could say nothing. Nora couldn’t warn her husband. She tried to steer him in the right direction but his stubbornness knew no bounds. And now? Nora knew what would become of him. It broke her heart but she knew this was how it had to be. The conflict on her brothers face almost broke her resolve. She couldn't tell him about what had happened to her husband. Time would reveal all to her brother. It would be a hard road, but it was one he must travel. Her only concern could be for that of her daughter. Her survival was essential. She could only pray that the love and faith she had always instilled in her brother would be enough. He had to be strong now. They all had to be strong.

 “Nora- let me get you both to safety. I cannot leave you behind.”

 “Rem- you must. It is meant to be this way. She must be protected. I cannot follow her where she goes. To keep her safe I must stay behind. Big brother please.” He could never deny his sister. She was only a year younger than he and she had him wrapped around her finger from the moment they were old enough to know they needed each other. Remus didn’t even try to hide his tears. He reluctantly took the now almost toddler from his sister. He knew this was her end. He hated that she wouldn’t tell him more. But she never did. She would never upset the balance. She never messed with fate.

 “Nora- I...I wish we had more time.” He wanted to say so much more, but he could not find the words. 

 “Me too Rem. Tell Sirius that I loved him, until my dying breath. Tell her...”Nora couldn’t hold back her sob. 

“I’ll tell her everything. How beautiful and brave her mother was. How she loved her broken shell of a brother. How she made her father a better man. That he became the very best version of himself because of how much her mother loved him. She will know her mother’s grace and her ferocity. Her loyalness. Her ability to be all others above herself. How she was so wonderfully kind. She will know you Nora.” Nora nodded.

 “Remus. You are not a broken shell of a man. You must remember how wonderful YOU are. She will need you. Be strong for her and for me. There is- there are journals and vials. She’ll need it to learn. Remus he will be back. He will fall, but he will be back.” Remus shifted his niece to one arm and hugged his sister and kissed her forehead. 

 “I love you.”

 “I love you too brother now go!” He rushed out of the house after he threw the bags his sister had packed over his shoulder. He looked back at her one last time, she smiled through the tears in her eyes. She was always smiling. He forced himself to look away and fled. 

Once outside he disapparated from the cottage. When he reached safety, he looked down at his niece. She had slept through the entire dramatic ordeal. She was the only person who his love for rivaled that of his sister. Her dark blonde hair already cursed with the wild curls of her mother. She had Nora’s features; pale and delicate skin, full lips and long lashes. She had her mothers radiating smile that would haunt Remus for the rest of his days. But he knew when she opened her big eyes the stormy grey of his best friend would be looking back at him. She already had Sirius’ proclivity for mischief and his full barky laugh. Her laugh was a sound that Remus could never get enough of. Her innocent looks would get her out of the many corners she would undoubtedly paint herself into. She had the charm of Sirius Black pumping through her veins. 

He knew not of what happened to his best friend, he just hoped that whatever rift was between them could be mended. Remus didn’t know how Sirius would survive the loss of his sister. She had been the one to tame Sirius. While he was always  a prankster, he mellowed for her. He renounced his play boy ways for her. And while he still a shameless flirt, he began to reserve it only for Nora. He knew Sirius was a good man. When Sirius asked him permission to pursue his sister Remus had laughed. It didn’t matter what Remus had to say, it was Nora he had to convince. He gave him his blessing and wished him luck. Watching his best friend and sister fall in love was the honor of his life thus far. Now, Remus would need help to tell Sirius that the love of his life was gone and it was now up to him to protect his special child.

 He really wanted to go to Lily and James but it wasn’t possible with how they were heavily hidden. It gave Remus comfort to know that his niece would grow up loved by not only her father, but Lily and James as well. She would have Harry as a life long friend. He knew his condition would take him away from her and Sirius for stretches of time. James and Lily would help, once it was safe for them to come out of hiding. 

He looked up at the house that would offer himself and the child safety until he could figure things out. It was several stories high, slightly crooked with multiple chimneys. The only other place he could think of that would offer him refuge was The Burrow. 

He will return? Who will return? She had to have been talking of Voldemort. It didn’t make sense to him. Remus was confused. His sister, plagued with sight had painstakingly learned how to hone her gift without the help of an accomplished Seer. It was impressive. Her daughter would carry the same burden, Nora had seen it. Now it would be up to Sirius to find someone to help her, he had no idea who. Most of the Seers he knew were quacks or had a meager amount of talent compared to his sister. Remus wished he could take the power of sight from the child he loved like his own. He recalled the nightmares of Nora’s childhood and the intense headaches that had once plagued his sister. She could often see into a persons memories by touching them. She had pulled away from most until she learned how to shut that off. He didn’t want this for her child. It was different when Nora would be here to guide her. He sighed and walked towards the warm home of the Weasley family. He felt guilty for coming. While he knew the Weasley family supported the cause- they opted out as their children were so young. They had all met Arthur and Molly through Molly’s brothers who were active Order members. 

“Remus?!” Molly had heard the sound of his apparition and had run down the stairs to greet him. “Where is Nora?” She looked wide eyed at the man before her. She looked at the child in his arms. When she looked back up at the man before her, Remus’ body began to shake. Molly, alarmed scooped the little girl from his arms and ushered him into the house. He needn’t tell her what happened, she knew, but she let him speak.

 “I don’t know where Sirius is. But Nora....they came for her. They came for them both. She had me take her and she stayed behind. She said- she couldn’t follow her. If she was to survive she had to stay behind. I should have made her come. Oh God Molly. I left my sister to die.” Remus finally wailed. Molly was silent for a moment. She wanted to cry with him. She couldn’t imagine the wherewithal it took Remus to walk away from his sister. Had it not been for the girl, he would have stayed and died with her.

“She told you to take her because if she knew if she didn’t stay behind they would both be dead. You would be dead. You didn’t allow your sister to die, you’ve given your niece the chance to live.”  

“How am I going to tell Sirius?” Remus saw something pass over Molly’s face but she didn’t not share what she was thinking. There was something beneath the surface but he did not have the strength to ask. 

“Come, come inside. I’ll put the kettle in and we’ll wait. Arthur should be here soon. Let me take her up and lay her with Ronald. She can sleep and we’ll contact Dumbledore.” She patted Remus on the shoulder. She couldn’t tell him. Albus would have to be the one. She slowly walked up the stairs to her son’s room as she tried to maintain control of her emotions. She could feel her own feelings later. Remus needed them now. She stifled the feelings of loss. She laid the sweet child next to her son.

 “I am so sorry darling.” Molly took a few moments to compose herself as she looked down at her son sleeping. They were children of war and while it seemed her son would go unscathed, the beauty next to him would not be so lucky.

 Hope Euphemia Black, named for her maternal grandmother and paternal surrogate grandmother, would not know her parents. She would never know her would be Aunt and Uncle Lily and James. It would be years before she knew Harry. It would be up to Remus now to take care of her. Poor Remus, was all that Molly could think. The man who suffered and struggled all of his life lost his sister and 3 best friends in one fell swoop. Molly didn't know how Remus would take the betrayal of his brother-in-law, but it would not be good. 

Molly was pulled out of her thoughts as the clock chimed. Undoubtedly Dumbledore would have secured Harry with Lily’s sister and would soon be on his way to find Remus. Molly would just have to hold it together for now.  She closed the door quietly behind her as to not to disturb the children. As she walked down the stairs, the voice of her husband set her at ease. 

“Dumbledore is on his way Remus.” She heard the clink of a glass. Arthur must have thought Fire Whiskey more appropriate given the circumstances. “I’m so sorry about Evanora. She was quite remarkable.” 

“Her body-“ Remus couldn’t finish his sentence. “I’ve already dispatched the ministry to recover it. She will get a proper send off Remus.” Arthur was stalling, like Molly, he wanted Dumbledore to be the one to tell him about James, Peter and the fate that would be Sirius Black. Arthur knew that it would break him. Arthur barely knew the group of men and it tore him up. 

A month later...

”Remus, you can’t be serious!” Minerva was incredulous. “You’ll need our help during the full moon. You need support. You both do.” 

“We cannot stay here. She’s not safe. After what happened to Alice and Frank- I have to take her away from here. There are still Death Eaters afoot looking for Voldemort. He will return. She can’t be here when he does.” 

“This isn’t what Nora would have wanted.” Minerva could barely speak her name. She tried not to have favorite students, but Nora Lupin had enchanted all those that came in her wake. 

“NORA ISN’T HERE!” He regretted yelling as soon as the words left his mouth. She said nothing. He sat slowly and placed his head in his hands. “She entrusted her to me. Walburga is already trying to get her hands on Hope. I won’t let it happen.”

 “And what of the full moon?” Remus sighed. “Andromeda and Molly offered to help. But with the supply of Wolfsbane we should be alright.”

 “Where will you go?” Remus didn’t want to give the location away. He wanted Hope to know peace. 

“My parents bought a beach front cottage. It was Nora’s favorite place. We’ll go there. It’s beautiful and peaceful. It’s a home that Nora loved that hasn’t been tainted by the war.” “And when she turns 11?” 

Remus sighed. “Well...I have a little over 9 years to decide. I guess it will depend on how much control she has.” The idea of not having the opportunity to teach the daughter of Nora Lupin and Sirius Black was too much for Minerva. She didn’t know what caused Sirius to turn, but the boy she knew was who she decided to remember.

“Professor-“

 “I think we’ve hit the point where you can call me Minerva.” Remus smiles sheepishly.  

“Minerva- why did he do it? I cannot for the life of me piece it together. He loved my sister. He loved his daughter. How? Why?” Remus was beside himself with grief. Minerva could see the pain wearing on his features, more so than his lycanthropy ever did.

“Sirius maintains his innocence. Perhaps he was given the choice of his family or The Potters. I wish I knew. I wish I had the answers you need. Remus- you must promise me something.” Remus looked up at Minerva McGonagall and was met with tear filled eyes. “You’ll send me the occasional owl?” He nodded and she patted him on the shoulder. 

The two remained silent until the sound of Hope’s laugh came closer and closer. The sound of Sirius echoed through the corridor. Moments later in walked Albus Dumbledore carrying the happy child along with him. In her hands were all sorts of treats the Headmaster had bestowed. He knew Remus’ mind could not be changed. He also agreed that it was for the best, for now.  Remus watched as your face lit up and you reached for him. 

“Come darling, it’s time to go home.” 

“Remus.” Dumbledore stopped the tired looking man. “Remember- help will always be found at Hogwarts for those who need it.” Remus paused for a moment and nodded before heading out into the hallway. As he walked down the corridor with Hope in his arms listening to her chatter, there was one thing he felt certain about, he had no intention of bringing his niece back to Hogwarts. Perhaps he’d send her to a school abroad or he would teach her himself. His fear that the dark world that took your mother would take his Hope too.   

[bi-bard]

Losing and Winning: A Story of Grief, Love, and Potential Mistakes- Spencer Reid Imagine (Criminal Minds)

Title: Losing and Winning: A Story of Grief, Love, and Potential Mistakes

Pairing: Spencer Reid X Reader

Word Count: 2,117 words

Requested: Nope but please send in some requests!

Warning(s): Dealing with death of a relative, awkwardness, insecurities

Summary: Everyone on the team has cases that hit close to home. (Y/n) never thought a case could hurt so much. Emotions are jumbled up in (Y/n)’s mind and every nerve is on end. Nothing is perfect... but everything has gone completely wrong. 

Author’s Note: I have officially added Criminal Minds to the list! You can now send in requests for the show!

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I was always thankful for the team. I always tried to remember how kind they were to me. Especially when Derek took my paperwork away as a way to help me. They had all been checking on me. It was sweet but it was also giving me a bit of a headache. 

All of us had been involved in cases that hit close to home. This was a whole different level. We had originally jumped on this case when I found out that my sister was one of the kidnapped victims. 

Everyone was on edge. We all knew this man’s pattern. We only had a few days to find my sister and the unsub. 

I thought we had made it on time. We found the unsub. There was no way that he had time to kill my sister. No way... and then came the dreadful words. 

**Flashback**

“Agent Hotchner, there’s a body,” one of the officers said. Everyone froze. I looked at them before going to join the officer.

“(Y/n), no,” Derek tried to grab my arm. I shoved him harshly. I kept pushing people. 

“Hey, hey,” Hotch kept blocking me. I never thought I’d see the day that I got aggressive with the unit chief but here I was, pushing him hard enough to make him stumble backwards.

There she was. Everything slowed down. My stomach churned as tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t even hear myself as I sobbed. I stumbled back, running right into Spencer, who had been told to lead me outside. 

I made it outside to the yard before my knees gave out. Spencer knelt next to me as a way to keep me from hurting myself. 

“I’ve got you,” he mumbled. “I’m here, I’ve got you.”

“That was... that was-”

“Shh, don’t talk when you’re so worked up,” he said. This was the quietest I had ever heard him. No facts or statistics. Nothing. “Come on, let’s get to the car.”

**Time Skip**

I hadn’t said a word since we left the scene. All of the others had handled the situation. Now, it was back home. Back home to call my parents to tell them what had happened.

On the way to the plane, I grabbed Spencer’s arm. He stopped immediately, wanting to help me in any way possible.

“Can I sit with you on the plane,” I asked softly. “I just need someone there.”

“Okay,” he nodded.

We sat in the seats by the table. We were both on the same side, I was on the side with the window, staring at nothing, completely numb. The other team members were cautiously glancing over at me. They trying to subtly check up on me... I could feel every single look.

“I could’ve done more,” I mumbled, only wanting Spencer to hear. 

“There was nothing more you could’ve done,” he reassured me. “You were so brave and strong today. You did everything you could.” 

I didn’t respond, I just laid my head on his shoulder, wanting to get a little bit of sleep... or just some comfort. I couldn’t truly sleep before every time I closed my eyes, I saw her. I saw her bloody body in that monster’s house. It made me sick.

“What am I supposed to tell my parents,” I asked, finally giving up. I felt Spencer move a little as he thought.

“I... I don’t know,” he replied. 

“I’ve never heard you say that before.”

“There’s a first for everything,” Spencer tried to joke. “Try to get some sleep. I’ll wake you up when we land.”

“I can’t,” I mumbled. “I tried to... it didn’t work.”

After a second, Spencer grabbed a book from his bag. I moved a little closer so I could snoop. He opened the book and started reading out loud. He was whispering. I read the pages over his shoulder, knowing I wasn’t going to sleep but appreciating the effort.

**End of Flashback**

By the time I had finished trying to help my parents on the phone, almost everyone had left. I didn’t want to go home yet. I didn’t know why. It just didn’t feel right. I felt like I wasn’t done yet. Probably because I didn’t have paperwork to distract me.

“(Y/n),” I looked at Spencer. He had been sitting at his desk but turned around when I had walked out of the office. I walked over and leaned on his desk. 

“My parents took that about as well as they could’ve,” I said. I felt like I had run out of tears a long time ago. “They want me to go home. Stay with them for a little while.”

“How long were you thinking,” he asked. I shrugged.

“A few weeks,” I replied. “I think they need me to be there. They need to know that I’m still here.”

“How are you feeling?”

“It all hurts,” I looked down. “Not to mention the impending psych eval that Hotch is going to have me go through. I’m dreading everything.”

Spencer was once again speechless. Twice in one day. This must be a world record now. I looked back at him. He was just staring. I knew I was a mess. My eyes were red and puffy, my whole body ached. This man had seen me at my absolute worst.

I don’t know why I did what I did next. Maybe it was the long silence. Maybe my emotions got the better of me. Maybe his soft expression made me realize that hiding my true feelings wasn’t worth it. 

All I know is that I had leaned down quickly and kissed him. It was only a second. There wasn’t even enough time to feel a spark if there was one. Spencer flinched back faster than I had leaned down.

“I... I’m sorry,” I whispered, standing up and grabbing the stuff I needed from my desk. 

“(Y/n)-”

“I’m sorry,” I repeated. I continued apologizing until I made it to the elevator and was finally alone. “How could be so fucking stupid?”

**Next Day**

I didn’t get much sleep that night. I had ended up curled in bed, either crying, staring at something, or maybe sneaking in a short nap of some form. I felt like everything was a nightmare.

No one spoke to me when I walked inside. I just got sympathetic looks from everyone. Plus a small, wordless hug from Derek.

I only cracked one smile. That was when I found a coffee on my desk with a note attached.

I hope you get a good night’s rest soon -Garcia

She was an absolute angel. 

I didn’t send a glance to the desk nearest me. Spencer was already there and I didn’t want to experience anymore embarrassment. I didn’t want to relive last night. I could feel him looking at me. Not just staring off into space where I happened to be sitting... he was watching my movements. 

I tried to focus completely on my work. I slowly sipped on the coffee that Garcia had gotten me. Spending time without thinking about what had happened seemed healthy. It seemed good for me. Just a few hours.

“Agent (Y/l/n),” I looked up to see Hotch standing by his office door. He motioned me over to follow him. I nodded, standing from my desk. 

I had never thought I could be so awkward in front of Hotch. It wasn’t just because I knew what was going to happen... it was what I did. I had basically shoved him to the ground yesterday. I closed the door behind me before I started twiddling my thumbs.

“Agent (Y/l/n),” he started but I cut him off.

“I want to apologize for my behavior on the field,” I said quickly. “It was inappropriate and rude. You could’ve been-”

“I’m not mad about that,” it was his turn to cut me off. I bit my tongue, glancing at the ground. “I wanted to tell you that I’m arranging a psych eval for you.”

“Okay,” I nodded. I wasn’t mad. I knew it was a valid thing. 

“Your first meeting will be tomorrow morning around 9 a.m,” Hotch added. I nodded again. “Are you going to stay here or would like to head home? I could make sure that you-”

“I’d like to stay,” I replied. “I need something to focus on.”

“Okay,” he stood up and hugged me. It was something that felt out of character for Hotch but I accepted it. “The team’s here for you.”

“Thank you,” I mumbled. 

I walked back into the bullpen and let out a small sigh. Again, there was a collection of sympathetic looks. I tried to shake them off as I started going through more paperwork. I just wanted to disappear. 

I thought that people had moved on but was proven wrong when a candy bar was dropped on my desk. I looked away from my computer and picked up the candy. There was a note attached to it. 

Can we talk? Meeting room in ten? -Spencer

I glanced up to see him looking at me nervously. All of the feelings I had from last night came flooding back... embarrassment, fear. There was also all of the feelings that I had experienced since I’d met him... comfort... love. After a moment of looking at each other, I nodded. 

I worked for the next ten minutes, hoping for time to slow down. Or speed up exponentially. I couldn’t even tell anymore. I glanced at the clock before standing up and heading to the meeting room. 

I sat on the couch, nervous beyond belief. I didn’t want to talk about this with him. Not at all. I was about to stand up and back out of this whole thing when Spencer walked in quickly. He stood near the door. 

“Hey,” he waved awkwardly. 

“Hi,” I replied. 

“How are you doing,” he asked.

“I didn’t sleep very much last night so I’m tired, but working makes me feel better,” I shrugged. “A little more normal. Hotch arranged that psych eval.”

“Good,” Spencer nodded. He still looked so awkwardly.

“Spencer,” I said softly. “If this is about last night. You can just forget about it.”

“I-”

“You don’t like me back, and that’s fine,” I continued. “You don’t have to do anything about it. I’ll get over it.”

“You don’t need to,” he replied. “I do like you back... I have for years.”

“Then why did you jump away from me,” I mumbled. “You don’t have to lie to me out of pity.”

“I’m not,” he shook his head. “I felt I was taking advantage of you. You were in such a fragile state that I backed up. I didn’t get a chance to explain that. I’m sorry.”

“I kissed you,” I explained. “If anything, that would’ve been me taking advantage of you.” 

Spencer walked over and knelt in front of me. I looked at the sad look in his eyes. There was hesitation and fear. Is that what he saw before I kissed him? That inner turmoil? That mini-battle?

I let my eyes close for a second when his hand touched the side of my face. It was like I had been craving the contact without knowing it. I placed my hand over his.

“Spencer,” I whispered. He hummed in response. “Can I kiss you now?”

There was a moment of silence. He was having another battle with himself.

“Yes,” he said at last. 

I leaned forward as fast as possible, kissing him just as softly as I had last night. He didn’t move away this time. Spencer just cupped the sides of my face and kissed me back. I pulled back, my eyes full of tears.

“Are you alright,” he asked, instantly concerned. 

“Yeah,” I nodded, wiping my eyes. More tears were building in my eyes. “I mean... I don’t know.”

It was almost instantly that Spencer had moved to sit next to me, pulling me into his arms.

“You’re going to stay, right,” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied. “Absolutely. I’ll be here for you. For as long as you need.”

“Thank you,” I mumbled. “Thank you so much.”

“Nothing to thank me for,” he kissed the top of my head. “Whatever you need. Say the word. I’m there.”

Nothing was going to be easy. This was going to be such a difficult time for me. I wasn’t going to be able to skip around this and ignore it. I was feeling the pain. I felt it every minute. At least I knew that I had someone. It wasn’t just Spencer, either. I had a whole team behind me. I was going through hell, but I had a group leading me through it. 

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[one-leaf-grimoire]

“triad”

Chapter 24: the joy of life

This is it... the final chapter of Lisa’s story. Enjoy.

A03 LINK

...

…

…

I don’t remember who I was.

I was always a paradox… and now I’m crushed by my own existence.

I don’t remember my life.

For all I know, all there ever was is darkness. Warm darkness just like this.

I wish I got to look at him. One last time. But I don't deserve even that comfort.

The last flames of her life dwindle down into mere sparks. A broken woman... no, not a woman. A thing. An unearthly creature. Inhuman.

…

…

Did I die before I hit the ground?

Is death just that cruel?

…

Or…

…

The last etches of sensation reach out and touch something. A face? A hand? No... 

Fur…

Something shifts.

It's... warm.

The pain fades more quickly than expected.

…

Wait-

NO-

Please, don’t look, don’t LOOK-

…

A mere touch of a forehead against another, and the world bursts back into life. Color, love, the blazing sunset, the night to follow, and then a new day, a new future for a kingdom.

I am not dead yet… once again, I stand on the edge of the castle, the last dying rays of a bleeding sun sprayed out across the horizon. The wind whips around my body, and for a moment, I can’t do anything but stare at the sky.

This feeling…

Tears prick at my eyes.

This is…

I finally turn around, in this last stolen moment, and meet a familiar pair of eyes.

The Dyad.

Despite what I've done... despite who I've become, his eyes don't leave mine. He lets his mind merge with mine, one last time, letting me remember that long forgotten feeling.

I open my mouth, a breathless sound, a name, escaping.

“J… Julius…”

It’s him. He stands there, alive, strong, sturdy… Julius Novachrono is alive.

The wind floats around him, as elegantly as ever. Even here, within our minds, he looks a little roughed up from the fight with Patri. His eyes are as kind as I remember, holding the entire world’s worth of love and understanding. His noble face, his broad shoulders, his regal stance…

It’s all here. He’s all here. He’s alive.

I saved him… my last act…

I know it isn’t a dream, despite the disbelief I’m tempted to feel. I feel his soul merged with mine, a blissful sensation that I never dared to dream I would live through ever again. After so many months of pain...

But… then panic sets in.

Oh… oh god… no…

My knees wobble, then finally give out. I collapse to my knees, curling up as distress takes hold again.

He’s… he’s inside my head… he’s seen everything-

“I… I-”

Shame, fear, guilt, all of it bubbles up at once. I start to cry, on the verge of hyperventilating.

My worst nightmare… he’s going to hate me, he hates me, he hates me-

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry- I’m sorry-”

Please… don’t hate… me…

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… please…”

It takes me a moment to realize that those words don’t come from my lips. They come from the man who just walked forward, fell to his knees, and wrapped me in a hug so tight that it knocked what’s left of my air out of my chest.

Julius’s hands come up to cup my face as he looks me in the eyes, and I’m shocked to see tears pouring out of them.

“Please… forgive me! This is all my fault-” His eyes crinkle at the edges in a way that breaks my heart, pure sadness on his face. “All this happened… all that pressure on you- I had no idea you would die too… oh god-” His fingers caress my face so gently, I feel like I might melt right then and there, but they’re shaking, badly. “I was ready to die… how could I do something so selfish…”

My eyes widen.

Selfish? 

NO… Julius-

“I- I’m the one who’s selfish-” I finally manage to say, my voice dangerously weak. “I couldn’t be strong like you… I wanted to be as selfless and brave as you, but in the end I ruined everything- and escaped back here-” I feel a sob become lodged in my throat, and I reach up to hold the hands around my face, steadying them. “I’m the worst… I- I gave up on an entire world. I’m a coward… don’t you hate me?”

For a moment, his sadness fades, disbelief on his face. But then… he smiles at me.

How could someone like him smile at something like me?

“Darling… I could never hate you. You know that, right?”

I let out a shaky breath.

And… I nod.

Yes… of course…

To be a Dyad… is to love someone so much that you love yourself.

Warmth radiates from his lips, his eyes relaxing as if a great pain was lifted.

“You saved everyone… I truly believe that.”

Julius’s fingers entwine with mine, as naturally as the first time he held my hand. I lean in, closing my eyes, and our lips finally meet in a blissful encounter that, if just for a moment, erases everything bad that ever happened to me.

Julius…

...Lisa

I love you. 

…

…

…

“So… Simulcia was a Devil…”

The sun is still setting, hours later. We both lay there on the stone, within a time capsule that extends my life just a few moments longer. My arm wraps around his middle, pulling my body against his side, my face buried in the fur of his coat. I don’t answer right away, opting to just inhale again and again, taking comfort in his scent.

“Yeah… and what does that make me?” I let out a sigh, cracking open an eye to look up at his pensive face again. Julius is lost in thought as he absorbs everything. 

Finally, he shrugs a little.

“Human.”

I let out a soft laugh through my nose, causing Julius to look down at me. “What?”

I shake my head. “No… I just don’t believe that anymore.” 

“Why not?”

“... after everything… I can’t be. I did something so selfish… I gave up on my own, as well as everyone else’s, humanity. How can I be human after that?”

There’s a long moment of silence. I look back over the city, and Julius’s answer vibrates through his chest when he finally speaks again.

“On the contrary… isn’t being selfish the most human thing you can do?”

… perhaps he’s right…

“... because you were selfish… I’m standing here alive today. With knowledge that will preserve this world in the future.”

I’m still a little doubtful. “Wouldn’t that make me selfless then?”

Julius chuckles. “You can be both selfish and selfless in the same act, you know.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Sex.”

I look up at him with an embarrassed frown, which causes his chuckle to morph into a hearty laugh. And I can’t help it, I laugh along with him.

I laugh until I cry.

“Hey… come here.”

Julius sits up, and pulls me into his lap. I curl up there, letting sob after sob wrack my body once again. They almost hurt, their bittersweet taste seeping through my body as the inevitable reality starts to set in.

Somehow… he holds it together, his hand stroking my hair as gentle as can be. I know this must be hurting him as much as it is hurting me… all of my pain and isolation is shared between us now, he knows all of my sins and all of my suffering. And yet, Julius holds it together, as strong and sure as he’s always been. 

After a long time, my breathing strengthens as well. Silence settles between us once again.

“... what happens now?”

His voice is soft, but tinged with fear. Because he knows as well as I do the answer to that question.

“... now… you go on living,” I finally say. I sit up a little, not leaving his arms. “You live a long, happy life… with me.”

Me?

But… is it really me that you’ll be with for the rest of your life?

Yes… she is me. But another me in another time.

“No… I mean… what happens to you?”

“... I’ll die.”

“... right…”

“I’m not supposed to be alive right now, after all.” Slowly, I sit up more, and his arms loosen. “My purpose has been fulfilled… I restored order to the universe. I carried out Simulcia’s will, and restored our Dyad. And in doing so, I created a world with two versions of me. It’s only fair that I die now. But…”

I turn to look up at his face again, and it takes everything in me to hold out when I see the tears that are growing there again. Julius looks back at me in disbelief, because this might be the most unfair situation that could have happened.

All that pain I endured… all that suffering… all just to die for a universe I sacrificed everything to create. Is this the happy ending I wanted?

I don’t think I will ever know the truth, but I don’t need to.

“... I have no regrets.”

Julius doesn’t move, his eyes still following me as I finally rise to my feet. My body feels… light. As if I could just float away in the wind. I look back down at him, then hold out my hand.

“I think, in the end… it was all worth it. I lived a life that I can be proud of. The fact I’m standing here with you proves that. I was able to pass on the knowledge you need to protect this world, and in the process I learned what I truly am.”

I feel tears welling up in my throat, but I smile through them, refusing to yield in these last few moments.

“I… I’m human.”

Yes… I am.

Before you loved me, Julius, before Adeline loved me, before I held Joy in my arms…

I was human. I always have been. 

Julius’s hand slips into mine, and I pull him to his feet. I don’t let go as he comes level with me again, and we stare at each other in silence.

Neither of us wants to let go.

Two Wizard Kings stand at the end of the world and the beginning of another. 

“...I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.”

Julius’s voice is quiet, the pain in his eyes clear as he refuses to look away. The sunset brightens as the sun sinks lower and lower, but he doesn’t so much as squint his eyes. 

“It’s alright, Julius. This is my fate.”

I gulp, my heart pounding a little. There’s one more thing I want to ask.

“...Juliu-”

“I’ll find her.” Julius gives me a nod. “Adeline… I’ll make sure she’s safe.”

A relieved smile grows on my lips.

“... thank you.”

“Of course.”

He raises my hand to his lips, not breaking eye contact, and presses a lingering kiss there.

“You… you were the most magnificent person I’ve ever met.”

I nod a little, my heart swelling with love one last time.

Tears flow freely down Julius’s cheeks, and he squeezes my hand.

“I’ll never forget this moment.”

“Good…”

In the end, I’m the one who slips my hand away. I take a step back, refusing to look away, drinking up those moments.

“... take care of this world. And take care of her. She’s pregnant, and is going to be more confused about who she is than ever before.”

I… I’m so tired.

The light grows brighter as I take another step back. Julius looks like he’s resisting the urge to grab me and hold me until the end, but he stays put.

I think… I’ll go to sleep.

“I love you, Julius… thank you. For everything.”

It’s becoming harder to keep my eyes open.

“Take care of this world… please…”

I turn away, tearing my gaze from him. I walk away, into the light, and leave this life behind.

…

…

…

I don’t remember closing my eyes. Death isn’t cold… it’s warm. Like a long nap, the kind that feels like you’ve travelled to another world.

A nice… long nap…

Someone’s holding me close. I feel their tears against my face.

…

…

You…

“Thank you… thank you…”

There’s a smile on her face as she cries, rocking me slowly.

“I love you… I love you.”

I reach up to touch my own face.

Yes… Lisa…

To be a Dyad… is to love someone else… until you love yourself completely.

… I love you, too.

All my hopes… all my dreams…

I leave it all to you.

…

…

…

…

Julius opens his eyes just in time so see my mark sink into my skin, disappearing forever. Slowly, he sits up, my body limp and lifeless in his arms. 

A few meters away, Yami stands, frozen in shock at what he just witnessed.

None of this makes sense… not one lick of it… As soon as I got here, I saw Julius’s spell, and then he’s holding her body… He gulped, his hand shaking on his katana, a bitter taste welling up in his throat. She was supposed to be on the Royal Knights mission… but now she’s here… and… dead-

Dead…

Julius’s hand is trembling violently as he reaches up to stroke my cold cheek, his vision warped by hot tears.

No… No… please… oh god no-

He knows this isn’t the end for us. Because I’m still alive in this world. But it still hurts, to hold me in his arms, to shake me, again and again, not quite believing what he learned in the last few moments.

She’s dead… she’s dead…

Finally, the man collapses, his grip on my body tightening as a horrible, emotionless sound leaves his lips, not quite a sob, not a scream… just… a sound. 

Yami can’t move.

No… no way…

Then, something happens. Yami’s eyes widen, and his mouth opens one moment too late.

“JULIUS! LICHT, HE’S-”

Julius looks up just in time to get punched squarely in the face by Patri. The elf is wounded, but still alive, my final spell having missed his vital organs. 

“Not yet… I haven’t lost yet!”

Julius is knocked back, letting go of me for a moment. Patri takes the chance, lunging forward. His hand dashes under Julius’s robe, into his pockets. An expression of glee immediately crosses his face. “Yes… YES!”

He jumps back, pulling the two magic stones from Julius’s pocket. “I got them! I might be drained of my power, but so are you!” Patri laughs and points at Julius’s shocked face. “Just you wait… you have no idea what’s coming!”

However… The shock fades from Julius’s eyes quickly.

“... I know.”

Patri doesn’t get a chance to be confused, because Yami finally makes his mood.

“DIMENSION SLASH!”

“AH! Lord Licht!”

Valtos pokes his head out of his portal, grabbing Patri by the color. He drags his friend inside, and the two of them disappear before Yami’s spell hits them.”

Yami runs up next to Julius, cursing. “Damn it! I let him get away-”

“It’s okay, Yami.”

He looks down to see Julius wiping away his tears before reaching out. Carefully, he gathers my body up in his arms, then rises to his feet. He sniffs once before looking at Yami.

“Let me borrow your broom… things are about to become complicated.” He ignored the confusion in Yami’s eyes. “I don’t have enough power to fight tonight… but I need to step back for a little while.”

Yami frowned, not answering. He just motioned vaguely at the broom he left on the ground a few meters away. Julius gave him a nod before starting to walk by.

“...Julius, wait.”

Yami turned around to see Julius pause, but not look at him. He just stood there, the dead body of his love in his arms, and an uncarriable burden upon his shoulders.

“... what’s going on?”

Slowly, Julius let out a long, tired sigh.

“... this isn’t her… not really.” His voice was low. “You can’t tell anyone, Yami… but this is a version of her from the future.”

Yami’s mouth almost flopped open.

“... because of her… I have a future. Everyone has a future.”

Julius finally started to walk again.

“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with this information… but I will protect this world. We almost lost everything.”

Without another word, Julius left Yami behind, carrying his burden on his shoulders.

But… he wouldn’t be alone for long.

…

…

“A...ACHOO-”

Julius sneezed loudly, jolting him from his sleep. Blinking, he regained his vision just as a moth took off from where it was sitting on his nose. “Oh… hello there-”

His gaze followed the insect as it flew up higher and out of sight, wobbling slightly in the breeze. It must have been keeping me company while I slept…

For some reason… The sight was deeply sad for him. And a moment later, he remembered why.

After escaping on a broom, Julius made it to his mountain cabin, one of his favorite vacation spots. Just as he touched down, blinding columns of light burst up from almost every corner of the Kingdom. Julius could do nothing but watch, knowing exactly what was happening.

But in the end, he knew how the night would turn out.

And now it was over.

Julius lowered his gaze back to the forest. Tall trees rose up all around him, cloaking the ground in shadow from the early morning light. A shovel was propped up against one of the trunks, and next to that tree…

A small, unmarked grave. A grave that no one would ever know about, or see.

Julius felt tears prick at the edges of his eyes, but he quickly wiped them away before rising to his feet.

No… I can’t cry. Right now, I have to be strong… not just for myself, not just for the Kingdom… but for the person who needs me the most right now.

The sun was reaching its peak by the time he made it back to the capital. It was just as Julius had seen before; everything was in ruins, yet everyone was here, working together to rebuild it all. He landed near the steps, drawing gasps from all around.

“The Wizard King!!”

“He’s here!”

“We heard that you defended us bravely!”

“LORD JULIUS!”

There were cheers among the crowd, but Julius just waved briefly before returning to his objective. Where- where is she-

“Hey.”

He turned around at the sound of that gruff voice to see Yami standing a few meters away. Without another word, Yami pointed in a direction, out of the way of the area where Julius landed. Julius gave him a nod before rushing off.

His heart was pounding.

The soul-wrenching pain he felt earlier… he hoped that the worst didn’t come to pass.

But… she’s still alive… she’s here, she’s-

Julius turned a corner, and froze.

It didn’t take long for me to notice him standing there.

“Oh- JULIUS!”

A wide grin takes over my face as I spot him, relief filling my heart. I turn to wave at him, roughed up but all in one piece. I’m still wearing my Royal Knights robe, completely unaware of the truth… for now.

“Thank goodness! Yami told us you were laying low, after that fight with Patri- Are you okay? I heard it was rough!” I bounce anxiously on the balls of my feet, still giddy with excitement that Julius is here now. This was a long, horrible night, and all I want to do is bury myself into his arms and forget about it for a while. “You have no idea what I’ve been through- I got possessed by an elf! But only partly… I ended up taking back control! But when I was out, I had a long dream… I don’t remember it, but it was scary- God, I’m glad it’s over now! And I’m glad-”

I’m cut off as Julius suddenly lunges at me. His arms wrap around my body, squeezing me, and the impact nearly knocks the air out of my lungs.

I stagger back, but quickly regain my balance.

“Oof! Julius- I’m injured, you know…”

My voice trails off as I feel him tremble, his hand clenching and balling up the shoulder of my robe.

“...Julius?”

I suck in a breath, not sure of what’s going on. 

“... is everything okay?”

After a long moment of silence, he pulls back, and there are tears in his eyes. But his lips smile, a relieved, tired smile. The smile of someone who watched their entire world end, only to be reborn again in a beautiful dawn.

That’s right… that long night is over.

Finally, Julius nods, leaning forward and placing a tender kiss on my forehead, on the Mark that has defined both of us in ways we never could have imagined.

“Yes… I think… for the first time in a long time…

Everything is right in the world.”

The End

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NOTE:

So... it's over.

I know this fic wasn't the most pleasant, but I felt like I needed to tell this story. A story with equal parts hope and despair, about a human who was forced to go beyond the limits of what is natural in order to atone for her "sin." But in the end, her only sin was being human... and she took comfort in that sin. 

Thank you guys for reading, this will be the last longer fic I write about Lisa. I may write some smaller pieces about her, as the manga progresses and I develop her story in the new universe she managed to create. Never before have I made a character work so hard for a happy ending! But after everything, she did get her happy ending... in some weird, fucked up way.

I hope you enjoyed, I love you all <3

 - Beth

[kpop-cakepops]

The Story Of Us- END

  Previous- Pt.16

So here I am. My dress ended up not being the best choice, it makes my hips itch a little, my heels are currently making my feet cramp. I keep staring blankly at the altar behind you as all these memories attack my mind.

 You haven't seen me, and that's okay, actually that's probably the best thing. I don't want you to see me. I just want to see you.

 You smile nervously every once in a while. Jin, your best man claps you on the back trying to calm you down. I can already imagine him murmuring dad jokes at you to annoy you and get your mind off of the fact that you're about to get married. That you're about to give your life to Hyerin.

 Remember how I said you broke my heart 3 times? This is the third time... but I'm fine. I promise I will be fine. If breaking my heart this once makes you happy, then so be it.

 Someone takes a seat beside me, I know exactly who that is. He just has that aura, I can almost swear I felt him enter the chapel. "I can't believe you left your date behind" he says making me smile.

 "I don't think my date was going to bring me along with him to begin with" I say turning to look over at him. He grabs my hand about to say something but people start to whisper and stand.

 The organ piano starts playing and I'm forced to stand along with everyone else. My legs weak as I wait for her to appear and surely enough, all air is knocked out of me when my eyes land on her. She looks absolutely beautiful.

It's everything I ever wished for.

 A stupid smile is painted on my face as I watch her father walk her down the aisle. My eyes catch you staring at her, you seem fidgety, probably wanting to hold her in your arms already. Probably wanting to call her your wife and take her away for good.

 "I can't do this" I finally say as I look over at Jimin. His eyes already trained on me as he nods understandingly. "You were wrong Jimin, I'm not brave." He doesn’t wait for me to explain myself, he simply takes my hand in his and he starts walking me out of the chapel. Everyone too focused on the bride to notice.

 I'm a sobbing mess by the time we make it out to the street. Jimin holding me close to his chest trying to calm me down and for the first time in my life I feel darkness overcome me. I feel angry at you. I feel so angry at you. I should be angry at myself, but this once I'm angry at you.

"How could he do this to me?" I ask. "Why did he tell me he loved me? Why did he say that? Why did I believe him, Jimin?" I ask not expecting an answer. He doesn't give me one either he just leads me to his car and drives away.

 I don't have the energy to ask where he's taking me, I don't have the energy to do anything anymore. When we arrive to the airport I look over at him in question. He doesn't smile, just leans his head back against the seat.

 "I'm tired of this... You have to understand that I can't stand to watch you get hurt again... And get hurt by choice." He says turning to face me. "You know that all that is happening to you is because you chose to let it happen, don't you?"

 I nod my head, because he's absolutely right. I let things get here. "Then I hope you understand that this also affected me. All this time seeing you cry and become a void version of yourself... It hurts me." He tells me, his eyes never losing that warm spark they always hold.

"Jimin I-"

He presses his forehead to mine causing me to shut up instantly. "I don't want you to apologize. I want you to find yourself. I want you to remember who you are... So I'm going to leave." He finally pulls away. "I'm going to be gone for a while. I have some work I have to take care of abroad, I won't be back for a few months and in that time I really do hope that you realize that you have never needed me like you've convinced yourself you do. You don't need me to be your safety blanket... Because you're brave. You need yourself... So work on that. Work on that for me."

 I hug him tightly. We stay like that for a while. His hand rubbing up and down my back. Finally, pulls away from me and smiles, "have I told you you're an ugly crier?" He asks making me laugh a real laugh, the first in months.

"Have I told you I don't deserve you?" I asked. His smile saddens as he leans forward pressing his lips to mine, something he hasn't done since that one night 2 months ago.

"You don't have to deserve someone for them to love you" he says making my heart break all over again. “Some of us Love like fools.”

"I'm sorry"

He shrugs and pinches my cheek before getting out of the car and grabbing his things from the back seat. I wipe at my cheeks and follow him outside. "Don't crash my baby, I'll kill you if you do" he jokes handing me the keys. I take them and wrap my arms around him again.

"Do you really have to go? I'm gonna die alone. Who's gonna make sure I'm alright?" I ask.

He ruffles my hair, "you are, remember? You're going to make sure you're alright. For me." He grins cutely, his eyes going back to the crescent moon form that I've learned to love.

"Okay" I mumble out hugging myself in an attempt to stop myself from clinging onto him.

 "I'll call you when I land" he tells me before kissing my forehead and walking off.

 I sigh and watch him until he disappears into the airport. A part of me wants so badly to run after him, to beg him to stay with me, to hold me until I forget you, to tell me that everything will be okay, but I know that Jimin is leaving for his own sake as well.

 I've hurt Jimin, maybe almost as much as you hurt me. I've hurt him because Jimin loves me and I can't love him back. It's in situations like this that I wish I'd never met you.

 That's why I've decided that I'm going to kick you out of my life. I promise I will do it. I'll kick you out of my life and you won't come back into it ever again. I swear to you, Min Yoongi.

This will be the end to the story of us.

[branwen-lavellan]

Love Bites

ZevranXCousland for @14daysofdalovers​.  NSFW.

It had been some time since Zevran had come to Odette’s tent, but he hadn’t been sure then. He hadn’t known what his feelings meant. He hadn’t known if she’d return them, or if their relationship was just sex to her. Now, he knew: whatever it was that he felt, whatever existed between them was real. It went way deeper than sex, and she felt it too. 

He pressed down on top of her, and she bucked her hips into him and pulled at his shirt. He understood. It had been many nights, and he felt equally desperate for her. 

He laughed. “You are certainly eager, Mi Amor.”

“Just shut up and fuck me!” she snarled. 

Normally, that would have driven him wild, but so much had changed for him. He pulled back, pushing to his knees and crawling off of her. 

Odette jumped up to a sitting position, her knees drawn in, a scowl on her face. “So I guess we’re not doing this, then?” she said. 

Zevran was truly baffled. He hadn’t meant to end the night, just to shift, to talk a moment, to figure out what exactly was going on between them. In all his years as both an assassin and a lover, never once had he made a mistake that felt as fatal as pulling back just now had been. He shook his head. “Can we not talk?”

She didn’t meet his gaze. “What is there to talk about?”

“Odette-“. He paused. She was a woman who nursed pain with anger. He knew that well, and so he knew he had to choose his next words carefully. After what felt like ages, he settled on, “you know I love you, yes?”  He said it with the lilt he normally carried in his voice - that sing-song tone that he had cultivated as a front so that the world would think he didn’t have a care. 

Odette looked up at him and the scowl on her face relaxed. He had that effect on her.  It was why she was in his tent now and not Alistair’s, even though he had promised his unyielding love through the symbol of a rose. Odette wasn’t looking for promises, because she didn’t believe that she had a future. It was only in the past few weeks, only after surviving a fight with Rendon Howe and bringing about his death that she had begun to question what the future might hold. But Zevran had no clear plans for the future either, and he never showed that it bothered him. He’d learned that Odette’s attraction to him was, in part, that she wanted to be like him. She wanted to look on the dark cruel world with a smile. 

A smile or a scowl, both were just defense mechanisms. She would learn that in time. He would help if he could. But he was only just now working through his own trauma. He wasn’t what she needed, but he would have to do. 

He looked into her face, the scowl gone, but replaced with cold stoicism. His Amor had many strong suits, but vulnerability was not one of them. 

“If you know I love you, why would you assume that’d I’d leave now?”

She shrugged, and the scowl returned. “I don’t know. Maybe the fact that you haven’t come to my bed in a week has something to do with it.”

He scooted closer with a laugh. “Did I not tell you that I just wanted to be sure, first?  Well, as I’ve said, I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I know exactly where I want to be, and, for the first time, I have the freedom to be there. And there is here - right here. With you.”  

She huffed, and for just a brief second, he saw her cold exterior crack. It wasn’t much, but through it he glimpsed the pain, the grief of her loss, the insecurity, the fear, and that little spark of love and passion that he’d learned to coax out of her. 

He continued his work, hoping to pry it open.  He scooted closer, brushing his nose against hers. “I have quite a lot to say on the matter, and I have no intention of ‘shutting up,’ as you put it. Now, the fucking, that can be arranged.”

She giggled, but only a little. “Sorry,” she said, hanging her head, pulling back from him. “I just-“

“Say it, Amor.”

She gulped.  “I want you so badly sometimes, I forget myself.”  

She scooted back a hair and folded her arms around her knees, which she had pulled tightly to her chest. His brave Warden, their seemingly fearless leader, who always kept her cool, who was strong for each and every one of them when they couldn’t find the strength themselves, was gone. Before him sat the real Odette Cousland, a person that, to his knowledge, only he had ever met. She seemed smaller when the front was gone, and she looked older and so dreadfully tired. She was only nineteen, so incredibly young. He had a good eight years on her. Yet, in these moments, she looked older than him. He always thought that he’d been through so much, that he’d suffered so much, but he realized now that, despite the horror he’d seen, he was lucky to have very few memories of his life before the Crows. It was the knowledge of what she’d lost that left her so distraught.  He hadn’t known her before, but he suspected that whoever she had been had died at Howe’s hands along with her father and mother.

“What else?”

Her lip trembled. “I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of wasting time.”

“Wasting time?”

“How many times have we faced death in the last week?” she asked, “how many more times will we be able to do this before-“

“No, mi Amor,” he said, brushing her blonde hair behind her ear, revealing his earring. “A month ago, I could not have told you what tomorrow will hold, but now I know that it holds a future for you and me, yes?”

“Where will we go?”

“Why, anywhere we want!”

“What will we do?”

“Anything we want.  And,” he said with a wiggle of his brows, “I suspect each other. A lot.”

She looked down at her hands, still healing from the number she’d done on that tree. Her face contorted, and her eyes grew wide in horror. “And when I hear it?  My calling?”

He pulled her close and held her. “Then you and I will face the Deep together, my love.”

She broke his embrace only to reach his lips, to drink him in. He lowered her down to her furs once again, and she scooted into position beneath him. He rutted into her, but this time was met with the slow grind of her hips. 

He pulled away from her lips and shifted down until his lips met her neck. “We have time,” he said, between planting kisses. “We will make time.” 

She panted under him, and her fingers knotted into his hair. 

He bore down harder, letting his kisses linger at first, then sucking and nibbling, having every intention to leave a mark. She moaned beneath him. 

“Tell me,” she cried, “ tell me what we’ll do when this is over.”

He licked a stripe up her neck, then nibbled the lobe of her ear. She yelped as he pulled away, her lobe trapped between his teeth before it snapped out of his grasp. “I’ll take you to Antiva.”

“Yes,” she sighed. 

He popped open the buttons of her tunic one by one, slowly, teasingly, as he returned to her neck. He bit down harder, and she gasped, pulling his hair so hard it brought tears to his eyes. He loved it.

“More,” she said, “tell me more.”

“We‘ll eat Oysters by the docks,” he said, “they do wonders for the sex drive.”

Her tunic now open, he wrapped his arm around her and lifted her just long enough for her to shrug it off. Then she pulled at the string of her brassiere until it came loose. She ripped it off and chucked it away.  He laid her back down, trailing his love bites down her neck, over her collar bone, finally coming to rest at her left breast. 

“Maker!” she cried, “oh fuck!  What else?”

He reached a hand down to her trousers and began to untie them. “I will get you drunk on Antivan wine. We will stay in the finest inns with silk sheets and balconies that overlook the sea.”  He slipped his hand into her untied trousers and searched until he found his prize. He slipped his fingers over her clit with ease and pulled free again -ever the tease- to find that they were coated in her slick wetness. 

“Maker, don’t stop!”

His patience was waning, to his shame. He tugged her pants free and shed his own clothes as quickly as he could, then wasted no time in sliding into her. She arched at his entry and opened easily for him.

 “Keep talking!” she said.

“I will take you like this again and again and again under the Antivan stars!”

“Yes!” She moaned.

He pulled her closer, and returned to his spot on her neck, breaking free only to tell her his plans. “We will rid the world of the Crows, together. We will cut them down one by one.”

Her nails scraped down his back. 

“We will return once more to your family home and restore it to its former glory.”

She sobbed, with pleasure or grief, he couldn’t tell, but he kept going. “We’ll travel to Orlais and revel in their finery. I'll take you to the Grand Tourney in the Marches. We’ll see the Necropolis in Nevarra. We’ll see the world.”

He was nearing his climax. He could feel the heat building in his loins. Based on the way Odette’s eyes were squeezed shut and the way her mouth hung open, so was she. 

“And?” she screamed. 

He came hard. He saw white, and his whole body tensed till his muscles shook. He didn’t think about what he said, he just let the words pour forth without reservation, stammered in the heat of his ecstacy. “I’ll marry you,” he said. As the wave of his orgasm subsided, he felt her clench around him and knew she, too, had reached her peak.  He continued thrusting into her, over and over as she came, her face contorted into a silent scream. “I’ll marry you.  In a Chantry. Before our friends. Before the Maker.”

Something stirred in him like the holy flames of Andrate’s pyre in his chest. His future was illuminated by its flames. He would wed her, an act that he never could have dreamed possible before, but now was the only path he could envision himself walking. He clung to her and began to laugh, a true laugh.  He had nothing to conceal, no pain to ease. Just pure joy. 

Odette smiled beneath him, and the tiredness and age and pain melted from her face. “Marriage, huh?  I didn’t think you were the type.”

“Is that a no?” He laughed. 

“Not at all,” she said. She nipped at his ear this time with a grin. “And Antiva sounds perfect.”