#“i scored. got half a chub”

[jamietarttsnorthernattitude]

Six Sentence Sunday

The bus ride back to Manchester is long, the team busy with their own music or movies. Jamie spends the day doing active recovery with the lads, feeling a little better with his place on the team with the goal in last night’s match. 

His father hadn’t texted him other than one message after the match. 

“Dad”: fucking finally

Two words spoke volumes. The goal would appease his dad, but not for long, not forever. 

[tartt9]

"Course I care," Jamie says with a nod. He'd needed people to step in and care about him when he was in the Academy, and not everyone did that. In fact, while his coaches nurtured him to the best of their ability, they never stopped him to truly ask how he got his bruises. Jamie wasn't clumsy, isn't clumsy, he's a fucking artist on his feet, he obviously didn't just fall over and bump his arm into the corner of a table. Nobody from the senior side came to their trainings to make sure everything was alright. He got lucky in regards to having Paddy around after he got his call up, but his call up came after Amsterdam, after every single first when it came to Jamie experiencing his father's tongue and hands. He wishes he'd had someone when he was 14, 15, 16 and desperately trying to break into the Prem. Desperately trying to prove himself, despite his hard exterior, begging for someone outside of his mum to look at him and hug him and tell him he's done well, even when he doesn't score a game winner. The least Jamie could do is hang back on Richmond campus and have a kickabout with some of the kids, to hear them and their thoughts out.

"Yeah - erm, played guitar for a little while, too." That stopped when he really picked up pace when it came to training, when he was dedicating all of his time and energy on football, on being the best footballer he could become. He stayed on campus late after training, well past sundown; because he knew his way home like the back of his hand, he could train all he wanted on his own. That meant that he had to cut out most everything else, though. Ask his teachers - he'd been a shit pupil, because he'd cut out most of his homework, too.

He laughs quietly, shaking his head. His mum's taste isn't shit. It's very good, actually. Maybe that comes from having a young mum, or maybe it's just that their tastes match up. She's the reason he's into ABBA, and Fleetwood Mac, and the Spice Girls, and maybe that's shit music taste to some people, but it's shit music taste to people who don't like fun and also women being powerful. "Y'make cassette tapes?" He asks. "Jesus, haven't seen one of those in years..." He'd had a cassette player beside his bed as a kid, with shit headphones that he'd plug into it and listen to music well past the time he should've been sleeping, but he hasn't actively seen a cassette tape since he moved away from home. "But - erm, I might've? I don't really classify what I listen to into genres until Spotify tells me what sorts of genres I like once a year." Bathtub Cigarettes. Odd name, but definitely a name for a band. Something that he'd hear and assume that, yeah, it's a band. He nods - he'll give them a Google when he gets home.

"I wouldn't mind coaching, I just think I'd be dead shit at it." Why would people want to listen to him? The look that the team gave him in the dressing room at Arsenal when he explained total football [ and exactly what position Jamie ought to be playing ] to them, it gave him such a rush of adrenaline. His opinion was valued. People wanted to hear him talk about the game. Fuck, he could've sworn he got a half-chub from it. Proverbially. Or maybe literally, it was the last thing on his mind, for once. "There're other things I'm good at," Jamie all but lies. What else is he as good at as he is at football? Sex, maybe. He's never had anyone tell him otherwise. He could've been a decent singer-slash-guitarist if he'd actually given a shit about that. Otherwise...? It's all football, it's always been football. "I just... I really love the game. And I'm lucky t'be playin' it for a job. I'd still be playin' it if it didn't pay me, like, in a Sunday league or summat, but... guess I'm just so good the country needed me."

"yeah man, pretty fuckin' good. means you care and stuff." i'm not very familiar with the ins and outs of football, and jamie doesn't really need to hear more of that. but the fact that jamie wants to check on the kids, see how they're doing, that's something. when i was younger if i had someone like that in my life, it would have meant the world. for a second i debate saying something about that but change my mind. no one wants to hear about that shit. my smile only widens when jamie says he's into music, and i pop my skateboard off the ground once more, holding onto it. i rock back and forth on my feet, excitement quickly taking me over.

"woah dude, that's awesome! had no idea you were into music like that. i was always listenin' t' music when i was growin' up. not the shit my parents listened too, though. not that your mom listens to shit music. but my parents ... phew. not great." i shake my head and let out a sigh, "i was in like ... band and choir and stuff growin' up. somethin' t' keep me out'f the house. ended up really fallin' in love with it." a laugh slips past my lips at the question about being on spotify, and i shake my head once more. "nah man. ain't on spotify. our stuff's on youtube, though. and we've got like ... caset tapes and cd's. dunno if you'd like our stuff though. like ... well, y'ever heard of folk punk? kinda like that ... but more angry. not in a bad way, just gettin' out our societal frustrations and shit. we're uh ... we're called bathtub cigarettes, if y' wanna look us up."

i chuckle, moving one hand from my board so it can rub at the nape of my neck. "yeah guess y' gotta point. god i'd probably like ... die if i tried t' coach. like i don't know shit. can't do what ted did, y'know. i can teach people stuff, but stuff i know. like music or skateboarding." i let out a loud laugh then, shrugging my shoulders. "honestly i didn't know why th' fuck y'all did what y' did. some people may be motivated by th' money, y'know. guess ... really just thought y' did it because you were good at it. i dunno."

[hourcat]

🏈🏈

It’s the longest touchdown run of the preseason run so far.

Not that Pierre had been keeping track of that, of course, because that would be a little bit too self-absorbed even for himself, but. Well. He can hear the beat reporters talking about it as he walks back into the locker room, still breathing heavy from where he’d run out to join the defense on the field in celebration. Davis is the first one to greet him when he passes through.

“You’re fuckin’ insane, man,” he laughs, clapping a hand to Pierre’s chest and rattling his shoulderpads. “That run was—bro.”

Pierre shrugs, unable to swallow down the grin that’s split his face in two. “You handed the ball off pretty well, too,” he offers, and the quarterback just laughs louder, whacking him harder in the shoulder. “Shit, man—”

And then he glances up at his locker, ready to start stripping away the sweat and turf pellets that are dug deep in his arm, and. Well. There they are.

“Pierre—” the swarm of beat reporters are waiting for him, phones already extending towards him as he walks over. The look on their faces is the same: annoying, if the summer has taught him anything. (And, sure—there a few he likes, but New York is notorious for having the worst news in the world, and most of the guys standing there waiting for him seem to fit that label effortlessly.)

“Hey, guys,” he tries, shrugging past Darius and ARob to get to his stool. “Did you, ah—enjoy the game?” The question gets a chuckle out of his audience as he reaches for the towel hanging from his cubby.

“How did your first NFL touchdown feel, Pierre?” One of them—Jordan?—asks, holding his phone directly in Pierre’s face. “I mean—gotta be pretty cool, right?”

What a stupid fucking question. “Yeah, no, it was—I mean, I always dreamed of doing it, you know, and when I saw the opportunity—” he shrugs again, trying to keep from saying something stupid and headline worthy. “I hope it is the first of many, I guess. I’m just happy we were able to get a win.” He lifts his jersey up to his chest to start undoing the straps of his shoulderpads, pointedly avoiding the other side of the locker room.

Where his teammate probably is—because, sure, Pierre had scored the touchdown, but it was Charles who kicked the extra point to seal it. Charles, who’s standing there already half-stripped and talking with DJ and Shep by their lockers. He’s laughing. Pierre thinks—

He thinks he’s still surrounded by guys who are going to catch him with a hard-on if he doesn’t fucking look away, especially because Charles just turned his head and is looking at him, now, and—

He grins, curling on his handsome, sweat-shiny face, and. Oh.

“—think this effects your chances at making the final 53?” Another reporter is asking, and Pierre realizes he’s gotta tune in just long enough to get the fuck out of there and get back to their suite.

“Um—I, I do not want to shift my focus to the future, now, ah—Dan?” The guy nods. “A good game is a good game, but it does not mean anything tomorrow. I have to play better like everyone else does.” His gaze flickers up and—Charles is there, and his sweats are sitting low on his hips as he’s drying his face off with his shirt, and he raises an eyebrow at Pierre and winks.

They’re going to make the same mistake again, aren’t they?

The reporters must be able to see he’s distracted, because they disperse across the locker room to bother some of the other guys, which means Pierre is finally alone enough to wipe most of the sweat from his face and get back into street clothes. Which…is more difficult than he’d hoped it would be, considering the effort needed to keep the rest of the team from figuring him out before he even makes it out of the locker room. (He’s not even going to try for the showers—not today, not with the half-chub he’s sporting.)

Sweatpants first. Shirt next. He steps out of his cleats and into his slides, and then—

“Pierre?” Charles is right there, almost matching in attire. He’s got one hand stuffed in his pocket, and the other is on Pierre’s shoulder, hot and sweaty and burning right through him. “We should—”

“Get back,” Pierre finishes, not even bothering to hide the way his voice has gone hoarse. He’s been shouting all night. That’s all.

Charles digs into his shoulder, squeezing hard. “I’ll follow you,” he offers with a smirk.

[park-thatasshere]

With A Face Not Even A Mother Could Love

Facials was by all means             

                                                                       the last thing you had in mind

Featuring: Jungkook Genre: Smut (facials) Word Count: 2.6k

m.list

A/N: Just dropping in to say hi. Thank you so much to @chimmysdick for being a pillar of support with my craft and just life in general. This fic is of course nc-17 so read at your own risk but please enjoy.

Should you really be thinking this with him so close to you? Fuck, should you be thinking about this at all?

It was a nice gesture for him to take time out of his Friday night to come help you do some last minute cramming, but how did he expect you to focus when he’s wearing that Tommy Hilfiger cologne he knows drives you crazy? 

Okay, he doesn’t know it drives you crazy...but he should by now with all the squirming and squi-

“___, is something wrong?”

“...No why do you ask?” Your face heats up, further succumbing to the guilt of being a complete horndog.

“You haven’t answered my question.”

“Oh I’m sorry what was the question?”

“I asked which bone marrow is considered to be life saving.” At this point Jungkook doesn’t seem amused in the slightest.

You rack your brain trying to skim through your memory of which one your professor emphasized on multiple occasions only to draw a blank. “Leukocytes?”

Jungkook visibly deflates, “That’s not even an option.”

You give him a comical smile topped off by a lazy shrug of your shoulders. “Look ___, I really want to help you but if you’re not feeling up to it we can try this again some other time.”

“No, I’m sorry I’ve just been...distracted is all.” You close your eyes in resignation flinging yourself onto the floor.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

You keep your face buried into your arms debating on whether or not you should profess your frenzied desire to have his cock beat your pussy black and blue. “Not really,” is what you settle on.

He gently shuts the textbook and places it on the table, muscles rippling underneath his white T-shirt with the action. “How about we take a break and order something to eat or something.”

He doesn’t know what’s bothering you but one thing is for sure, whatever it is, food will most certainly take your mind off of it.

You nod in agreement, whipping your phone out to order take

While Jungkook heads for the bathroom, you take a moment to think back to how the both of you got to this moment on your couch.

You knew of the whimsical Jeon Jungkook for quite some time before you were formally introduced to him. Every mention of him is filled with nothing less of pure adoration, admiration, and lust. He is very successful in his academic career. In order to keep him, and his high test scores, eager to learn, his high school had to bump him up two grade levels, or so the tale goes. 

You’d be a fool not to believe it though,you are two years his senior and you’re learning more from him than he ever could from you, other than how to be a functioning alcoholic.

You never thought much of the snot nosed kid in the beginning other than what you’d heard. But he’s shown his worth on many of your shit faced nights stranded at parties, as well as cramming sessions. Much like the one you’re having now, hours before a really big final. 

He was alright to you, you soon concluded.

More than alright even, but that makes you wonder. What is such a clean cut wonder boy hiding behind all those manners and gentlemanly gestures? 

You peek over your shoulder for any signs of movement coming from the bathroom door. Assuming Jungkook is hosting D-day in your toilet, you commence to sneak a peek at what lies within his laptop.

You open up the browser and click on history. Skimming through the list only finding a seemingly endless list of research material and obscure google searches. After a minute more of snooping through the list, a light bulb goes off. 

P r i v a t e browser

Your fingers hurriedly brush over the mouse pad, opening up the obscure browser only to see a screen filled with a plethora of open tabs

PORNAGRAPHIC tabs.

You click on random ones frantically loading up each web page to take a gander at what Jungkook spends late nights beating off to.

Cumshot facial compilation. Cheating gf takes biggest facial of her life. Premium bukkake. Sloppy face fucking. Bukkake gangbang.

The list is very telling on his foreplay preferences, but facials? Facials are by all means the last thing you had in mind. Actually, you don't know what you had in mind. Maybe something on the more purer spectrum, like mild nipple play. You did not expect Jungkook to be into such a degrading kink.

You’re stuck in a reverie of conflicting emotions. A part of you wishes that Jungkook is the sweet innocent boy he portrayed around school, having never been kissed and what not. A pure virgin. While the other half of you was silently relieved that maybe he wasn’t so prudish after all. In fact, a straight freak. 

You’re pulled out of your thoughts with the clicking of the bathroom’s door lock and a hushed chorus of swear words. You slam the laptop shut completely mortified at being caught snooping.

You’re both left speechless, but then again what can really be said under these circumstances. You weren’t sure exactly what he saw but you damn sure knew you were not sticking around for the fallout.

“Actually I think I’m going to hit the hay, I’m not feeling too well.” He gave an apologetic smile.

“Oh! Is it a fever?” He’s reaching a palm for your forehead before you even have time to step away and your reflexes cause you to smack his hand away. Way to make the situation a lot more shitty.

“Uh, yeah well goodnight. I’ll let myself ou-” you don’t even give him a chance to finish his statement before you head to your room, slamming the door behind you.

He ponders over the post bathroom break exchange before he’s back to packing away his things. “I wonder why she was in such a hurry to shut my laptop.” 

Upon opening his laptop, his entire face flushes at the contents he’s faced with. Pornhub, wide open and anything but discreet. After putting the pieces together he becomes completely mortified, moreso because he was sporting a half chub in spite of all that had transpired. He wastes no time in leaving your apartment in complete shame at what you must think of him.

Little does he know that you’re pressed up against your bedroom door entirely enthralled with salacious thoughts of his cock drilling your throat.

There are no texts. No calls. No messenger birds being sent two and fro. Absolutely nothing over the span for a week and a half. 

You yourself vowed to stay away from the boy, in hopes your lust for him would fizzle out.

It didn’t.

You wish you were better at defusing situations and being the bigger person. That’d make it a lot easier to march right up to the onyx haired bow and flick him in his perfectly proportionate forehead for not texting you andohmygodjungkookisstandingrightfuckingthere. 

Of course he’d be here, you coerced him to volunteer to present a booth with you to keep you company. For extra credit, of course, not that he needed it but you sure did. You remember when your professor eagerly spoke about the Convention, droning on and on about how we would greatly benefit from attending. Then slapping down a clipboard down onto her podium with a sign up roster on it. You pleaded and begged Jungkook to sign up with you, even using the cheap “there’s gonna be free food and booze” line.

He’s looking sharp, and you want to dissipate into water vapor because you comparatively look and feel like a dirty napkin.

He’s wearing a dark button up, sleeves rolled in a relaxed manner, with semi-tight slacks to match. His belt cinches to his waste, only emphasizing his cute ass. His hair haphazardly drapes over his forehead and you don’t think you’ve ever seen him look this damn sexy.

Clearly you’re staring for too long because the burn of your eyes pulls his attention from the conversation presented to him and directly towards you. The eye contact is brief before he whips his head around redirecting his attention to the couple seemingly immersed in the stimulating discussion before them. You watch him exchange a few pleasantries with them before he sets his drink to the side and walks off.

Your feet are frantically speed walking through the cigar smoke and stench of hard liquor before you can even register or piece together what you’ll say once you catch up to him.

You find him slumped down on some god awful read pleather couch in one of the spare conference rooms, head in hands.

“Who said you could just waltz away whenever you pleased. You still have an hour and a half on your shift.” You chastise all in good fun.

His head jumps up at the sound of your voice and he visibly starts to clam up. “I wasn’t- I didn’t-”

You flop down next to him, a bold move on your part, before speaking up. “About last Friday…” You trail off.

“I know. You must think I’m disgusting.” He’s back to sulking.

“Nooo, why would I think you’re disgusting?”

“Because...of what you found on my computer.”

Now it's time for you to go flush. He knew this whole time!?

You’re actually hot from the sheer mortification that he knew you knew.

“You must think I’m a complete pervert.”

“Being a pervert isn’t always a bad thing, I like perverts.” First attempt and consoling was a fail.

“You what?” His brows furrow at your strange statement.

“I like perverts? Besides, have you ever even tried giving a facial?”

“I mean no, I’ve only ever been with one girl but she was pretty much a one sided lover. I never really got to experiment other than missionary and painful blowjobs.”

“Do you want to? Right now?”

His eyes grow to the size of saucers. This was definitely a proposition. Something seemingly straight from one of his porno’s. Wait! He needs to humble himself, he can’t just use his close friend like some kind of gloryhole can he?

“I don’t think this is a good idea ___-”

“Shut up kid, I’ve been craving your cock for a week and a half and I refuse to practice self control any longer.” And with that you drop to your knees before him and spread apart his legs to make room for yourself. You stare at him expectantly for a few moments until he gets the hint and hurriedly unzipped his pants and slips both his pants and boxers seamlessly down the length of his thighs.

Your eye to eye with his weeping red tip. The first thing that comes to mind is big, you were excited to finally get a hearty helping of his dick.

It jumps toward you, an invitation to welcome him into your silky throat. You haven’t tasted cock in a while and the scent alone sends your senses into a frenzy. 

“I like you!” He rushes out in a hurried exhale. You flick your eyes up to see his visage marred in a scarlet hue. It tickles your ego to know that the ripened Jungkook feels so small in your presence, even with his hefty cock in your view.

Awkward silence fills the space between the both of you before you realize he’s probably expecting an answer.

“...I like you too Jungkook”, another awkward pause “I’m sorry I’m not used to explicitly expressing my feelings. This,” you worry your lower lip and gesture to the current situation, “usually suffices.”

You don’t spend time dwelling on the formalities. 

His cock is anchored with a tight grip, you poke your tongue out to administer skittish licks along the ridges and veins of his member. Jungkook let’s out a needy whimper, one that has you shivering.

You finally open your mouth just wide enough to slip the head of his cock in. You suckle on it as if it held life's secrets. While one hand gripped his thick cock, the other reached down to cup his balls. Your teasing ministrations never halted as you dribbled all over the tip whilst gently rolling his balls. You could feel his testicles tighten and that was just the beginning of his end.

His head is thrown back, thighs flexing with every particularly hard suck. 

“P-put it in please, your mouth.” His eyes are glossy, voice coated in a whine.

Without further adieu you take the whole of him into your slick mouth. The initial stretch is a bitch to get used to as he fills you fully but once your saliva starts to pool on his cock you’re able to slip him in even further.

You bob your head up and down to the sound of soft melodic moans, periodically stopping to gargle his balls into your mouth. His jaw is clenched in uninterrupted ecstasy and your pussy throbs at the sight alone.

Jungkook gets adventurous, reaching over to grip your hair before shoving you down on his cock once again. He was encased in a warm frenzied haze of lust, wanting nothing more than to coat your pretty little face in his emission. 

He abruptly stood to his full length, never leaving your mouth as he walks you over to an open space within the room. His fingers tug at your soft tresses even tighter as he starts face fucking you. Slick sloppy tell tale signs of the pummeling your throat was getting resounded around you.

He’s thrown all caution to the wind as he thrusts his hips forward at a steady pace. “F-fuck ___, you’re good at this.” You press your tongue against his shaft, to garner another response.

You eyes water at the ache in your jaw at the sudden intrusion, trying to alleviate the discomfort by breathing through your nose. In this moment the only thing you’re both focused on is getting him to his release and it shows with the way you start bobbing your head in time with his thrusts, allowing him to bottom out in your tiny little throat each time.

His fingers falter around the strands of hair so tightly wrapped around his knuckles, betraying him.

“I’m so-“ Jungkook breathed raggedly, “So...close.”

He casts his gaze down to you, eyes dropping with pleasure and mouth left agape for many labored breaths and moans to be escape.

His pace quickens, grunts becoming more apparent. Not even a second later he’s pulling your hair to release you from his dick.

One hand tugging on a fistful of your hair while the other is rapidly jerking him to his orgasm. Your eyes are closed while you give him a brilliant smile. Soon enough you feel the spurt of hot, sticky cum land on your face.

You open your eyes to see Jungkook completely captivated by his handiwork. Your mouth is wet with saliva, a mixture of spit and cum coating your lips and dripping down your face and cheek.

“How do I look?” 

“Like a fucking goddess.” 

He helps you up, ushering you over to the couch before he’s pressing up against your back suckling on the side of your neck. You lose your footing and trip onto the couch, on all fours mind you.

“I’m gonna fuck you right here, just like this... okay?” It was really a question but the concern on his face said otherwise. 

You nod your head and just as he's about to lift your dress there is a loud knock on the door.

“Jungkook? Are you in there? Some of our guests would like to speak with you.” A muffled voice who you believe to be your professor spoke on the other side of the door.

“Better get going wonder boy.” You catch the giggle that threatens to spill from your mouth.

He waves your comment off, begrudgingly stepping out of the door and you can’t believe just how nice his ass looks in those pants.

[maturemenoftvandfilms]

Daddy Dan Lauria…..

Featuring Dan Lauria

In 2000, I begrudgingly accepted a job at the Starbucks on the corner of Sunset and La Brea. But I was happy to have a job after dropping out of my graduate acting program to actually pursue my dream of acting. Aside from the scores of homeless people who were repeat “customers,” we got a few celebs. One night, Linda Evangelista. Another morning, some guy from Days of our Lives. And almost every day, Dan Lauria, who would always get a cup of decaf.

I’ve always had a soft spot for him from the The Wonder Years. Each day Dan and I would exchange a shy smile as he paid. It really was my first brush with anyone who was a celebrity and to see him in his everyday life was thrilling for me. It got better. I joined the Hollywood YMCA and one guess as to who was a member there. YES! Dan Lauria. We would exchange shy smiles but I was never sure if he recognized me when I wasn’t covered in coffee stains and yelling about Grande Lattes.

Back to the Hollywood Y, circa 2002: I did some mild workout involving machines I don’t know how to use and decide to get into the hot tub. I scoot to the end and relax in the warm water with some old people talking about being old. A burly man gets in the hot tub and starts walking hot tub-style towards the end where I am. Something happens. I don’t know if the fat lady in the floral one-piece blocking the stairs trips him or if he is trying to avoid the skeletal 95-year old gent who tried to bring his cane in, but suddenly…wait, not suddenly, it was slow motion because he was in water, this man falls on me. I come face to chest hair with…..Dan Lauria. We smile shyly at one another. He mumbles something about being sorry. I mumble something like it's OK.

After a few awkward stares, I decided I had enough soaking and head for the showers. A few minutes later, I was finishing drying off in front of my locker when Dan surprisingly entered. The locker room was empty as he went to the locker three doors down from me. By this time I was just about to put on my clothes and Dan was just starting to pull off his trunks. This put my face about 3 feet away from a nice looking cock and a pair of hanging balls that looked to be a good size. His cock was soft and around 4 inches long so I figured it was a nice size hard. I had to be careful thinking like that as I could feel myself start to chub up a little.

“Sorry again for the hot tub.” Dan said, his voice breaking me out of the trance I was in, and after my head jerked up to meet his eyes.

“Don’t worry about it. Accidents happen.” I said as I stood up and give him a good view of my junk.

I saw Dan’s eyes go down to my cock and stay there for several seconds before looking back at me and smiling. He didn’t seem shy at all as we continued to talk and he wasn’t in any hurry to get his clothes on. While I found the hair on his chest compelling, my eyes were drawn down to what was swinging lazily between his thighs. Not overly thick except at the base, but the length; easily more than 4" completely flaccid and was breathtaking.

“You know...” Dan said, his voice breaking me out of the trance I was in, and after my head jerked up to meet his eyes he continued. “You should do something about that.”

What he was commenting on was the condition my dick was in, because I was as hard as I could remember being and he correctly reasoned that I had an erection because of staring at his cock.

"Well, maybe you can help me out with that."

"I guess it's the least I can do." He said as he move closer to me, calmly reached down and grabbed both our cocks in his hand. It would have been a sight if anyone had entered with Dan holding both of our cocks and rubbing the tender tips together, but when I felt my dripping dick press against his I forgot about that altogether.

"How about we get out of here?” Dan said, letting go of our cocks and reaching around me to grab my ass and pulling me close. And while I wasn’t expecting the kiss he gave me I didn’t fight it and when he slipped his tongue in my mouth I dueled with it while our erections performed a similar ballet down below. With that, we threw our clothes on, made it to my apartment as fast as we could.

It took me a ridiculous amount of time to get the key in the lock but after I managed to get it open to allow us inside, Dan closed the door behind us and pushed me gently against it and kissed me again. We both were fumbling with our belts and fasteners. Dan's pants and underwear was first to hit the floor as I quickly dropped to my knees.

As I stopped for a moment to admirer his cock again before I grabbed his nuts and started stroking them at first. Then I cupped them in my palm and rolled them around as his cock began to grow. Soon it was pointing in my face, at a full 8". I stuck out my tongue and flicked the head of his cock before my tongue slid down the side and back up again. I was licking him with vigor as I felt my cock flutter uncomfortably in my jeans. So I reached down and unzipped them, allowing my dick to fall out. With that taken care of for the moment, I grabbed the base of his cock, wrapped my lips around it and swallowed half of his dick.

It had been months since I had been with anyone and I was excited to be sucking off Dan Lauria of all people. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the smell of his crotch and the wet sounds of my lips sucking his erect shaft. The sensation of that cock sliding almost out of my mouth then, back in till it touched the back of my throat was incredible.

“It’s been awhile since I had my cock sucked.” He told me as he watched me working on his cock.

“Damn you’re good.” He added as I forced myself to deep throat even more of his thick dick.

All of a sudden, Dan grabbed my head and began fucking my face. His hips moved slightly at first as I continued sucking on his cock, but as Dan moaned his approval as his hips sped up. I could feel myself about to gag, but this was a once in a life time opportunity. I was blowing Dan Lauria. So I fought to keep from chocking and I let him shove his big dick deeper and deeper down my throat. I couldn’t hold his entire dick in my throat for very long, but Lauria didn’t seem to mind when I pulled my head back and again started working on just the head of his dick. In fact he let go of my head, placed his hands on his hips and just stared down at me as I sucked him expertly. He was a  good looking man and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to milk him.

“You are going to make me cum if you keep doing that.” Dan warned.

I wanted his load so I began bobbing my head up and down his shaft as his nuts bounced invitingly against my chin. I reached up and tugged at his nuts again. They were now sweaty as my fingers curled around them and he moaned with satisfaction. By now I was sucking his cock wildly, giving him fast and strong suction around his beautiful thick shaft. I was in heaven as I felt Dan thrusting his hips into my mouth to make me his personal fuck.

“I’m going to cum, I’m going to cum.” The old man called out excitedly as he fucked my mouth faster and faster. “Get ready. I’m going to unload! Damn! Here it comes!”

Dan pulled his dick out of my mouth, let go of my head and wrapped his hand around his wet cock, stroking generously. Then I received his first shot of cum on my face from his squirting dick. After his load of cum was dripping down my chin when he stepped back, squeezing the last bit of cum from his cock. Dan was looking down at me and smiling as he quickly put his cock in his pants and zipping it up.

“That felt mighty good.” He told me as I quickly wiped the cum off my face as I got to my feet and started jacking my cock as fast as I could.

Suddenly Dan got down on his knees and pushed my hand away. Then he slid his tongue up the underside of my shaft and wrapped it around the head, sucking vigorously. Fuck! Who would have thought that Dan Lauria could suck a cock I thought as he swallowed more and more of my cock, deeper into his hungry mouth. After a few minutes of this, I was finding it hard to hold back as he bobbed up and down my prick. I grabbed his head firmly in my hands pounded my cock into his mouth. I felt myself tense up and with one final thrust, my crotch was pressed against his face as my cock exploded deep down his throat. Surprisingly, Dan swallowed most of it, but some dribbled down his chin. My cock slid in and out of his wanting mouth as I finish my orgasm. As he pulled away, I noticed a few drops of cum spilling out of his mouth before he wiped it away which put a smile on my face.

“Maybe we could do this again sometime?” I asked as I helped him to his feet.

“Well… maybe.” He said and winked.

[faerieenthusiast]

1ST RULE: tag 9 people you want to get to know you better:

@elpiso @legalizevore @bungeegumbinch @gaycurarpikt @heyitsmeratbaby @cosmikitty @caesarius3 @pigeoncheeks @officialnoctisluciscaelum

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true:

APPEARANCE I am 5'7" or taller I wear glasses I have at least one tattoo (i have two) I have at least one piercing I have blonde hair I have brown eyes (dark brown counts right) I have short hair (it’s medium when blown out. I want it long) My abs are at least somewhat defined (i got some chub) I have or have had braces (you should have seen babby me)

PERSONALITY I love meeting new people People tell me that I’m funny Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me (to an extent) I enjoy physical challenges I enjoy mental challenges I’m playfully rude with people I know well (certain ones and even then i try to keep it to a minimum) I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it

ABILITY: I can sing well I can play an instrument (I used to. I don’t have time for my bass guitar to learn right now) I can do over 30 pushups without stopping I’m a fast runner I can draw well (it ain’t even well. just i can draw) I have a good memory (for the most useless things that never helped much in academia) I’m good at doing math in my head (i do the write the numbers in the air thing) I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES: I enjoy playing sports I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else I have learned a new song in the past week I work out at least once a week I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months I have drawn something in the past month I enjoy writing (i used to do it heavily in middle school) Fandoms are my #1 passion (with my buddies, pals, friendos) I do or have done martial arts (I did tae kwon do when i was 7. Up to an orange belt. Couldn’t continue because my mom did night school)

EXPERIENCES: I have had my first kiss I have had alcohol (got a hangover once. never again) I have scored the winning goal in a sports game I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting I have been at an overnight event I have been in a taxi I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year I have beaten a video game in one day I have visited another country (bahamas for a cruise) I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

RELATIONSHIPS: I’m in a relationship (kinda, ish) I have a crush on a celebrity I have a crush on someone I know I have been in at least 3 relationships I have never been in a relationship I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them I get crushes easily I have had a crush on someone for over a year I have been in a relationship for at least a year (2 years was the max) I have had feelings for a friend

MY LIFE: I have at least one person I consider a “best friend” I live close to my school  My parents are still together I have at least one sibling (I have 2 stepbrothers now. And sometime in the future I’ll get half siblings) I live in the United States There is snow right now where I live I have hung out with a friend in the past month I have a smartphone I have at least 15 CDs I share my room with someone

RANDOM SHIT: I have breakdanced I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce (After the first day I had it down pact) I have dyed my hair (Purple!) I’m listening to one song on repeat right now (Loyalty by Kendrick ft Rihanna) I have punched someone in the past week I know someone who has gone to jail I have broken a bone (I chipped the tip of my finger bone) I have eaten a waffle today I know what I want to do with my life I speak at least 2 languages I have made a new friend in the past year

[hastybooks]

easy come

notes: dear fuhrmana has been encouraging me with this for gosh, who knows how long. welcome to the second circle of hell, dear readers. warning for possible underage, depending on where you're at and how well you want to do the math, and yannick weber

All ice rinks have a smell.

This one, all way up at the ass-end of Bern-- smells like sharp metal and cement dust and teenage-boy hair gel. Yannick rubs his own hair like he fucking needs to neaten up. He teases apart a tangle with the jagged edge of his thumbnail before rubbing the leftover oil against his Adidas sweatpants.

Yannick paces around the rink more, looking up at the small flights of stairs leading out to the doors to freedom, looking for anyone else in this fucking creep rink, bouncing on his toes for energy and all of that shit--

Yannick jerks his head down at the square face of his watch, the arms ticking towards ten on a freaking Sunday morning. He regrets not getting more info than a promise of a fuck.

To be precise: Yannick's fake, not-at-all evil namesake/fuckbuddy Yannick Josi didn't so much ask him to come all the way up to Bern as much as ordered him. Yannick Josi may be a sure thing, with a mouth that can suck anything-- but that doesn't mean Yannick has to wait around a strange-half lit rink for his dumb kid brother so he can see whether he's actually good enough for real hockey with real men.

Knowing Yannick Josi, this kid is going to be spindly until he gets unexpectedly slow and has to bow out before wingers start hoping to see him on the ice. AKA: Not ready for prime time. No cock is worth this, Yannick thinks, on the verge of walking up the stairs and out of the door until he hears "You Weber?" getting shouted like he was born in a barn.

Yannick's foot freezes on the stairs. He turns around to see the kid at the middle of center ice, with a stick in his hand and a helmet strap dangling from his jaw. Yannick walks up to the glass, and smirks, "You Josi the lesser?"

That makes the kid narrow his eyes, but he forces on a smile and says, "Hanging around my loser big brother?"

"Guess so. Going to skate?" Yannick can see why scouts like being scouts, getting off on watching barely-legal guys try to be at their peak and not getting called creeps for it. The kid even has the gall to glide towards the glass, like he's fucking floating, and sweet jealously surges in Yannick's guts as he watches him come to a stop without carving a notch in the ice.

"You're not going to?" he asks Yannick, and then pauses, as his lips curl up, "Unless you're too heavy to skate, Weber." The kid's got a younger sibling's nose for soft underbellies, for sore spots, and the teeth to nibble.

Yannick grits his teeth in a smile, and shoves his skates on, lacing them as tight as he wants to wrap his fingers around the kid's skinny neck. He promises himself a light check against the boards. Just to show the kid how real men play. He slips onto the ice, dragging his stick behind him, and circles around the kid. For someone named Roman he's living up to it, almost pretty and patrician with that nose he shares with Yannick Josi, his eyes some shade between green and panty-creaming.

Roman's even taller than Yannick Josi right now. The kid can skate. Maybe can get past the mysterious "six foot" mark these North Americans get chubbed up in their pants about. Yannick taps his stick against the ice, says, "You play the D?"

Roman rolls his eyes, "Yes, I play the D, what the fuck. You going to shoot me the puck or no?"

Yannick jerks the puck away from Roman's stick, and jets down the ice, his thighs burning underneath his sweatpants. The back of his neck tingles, like it always does when a defense-man catches up. Yannick slaps the puck away before Roman can whack his stick against his own. He only has enough breath to smirk at the annoyance on Roman's face before he has to churn up ice after those stupid long strides, watching the puck bounce on the ice under Roman's stick.

Roman shoots, a rough shovel into the goal, and scores. He turns on a fucking franc, and presses both of his gloves atop his stick knob, barely breathing hard. His eyes are still some shade between green and panty-creaming. Fuck that kid.

If Roman didn't have the helmet on he'd so totally do the Mean Girl Hair toss, and thinking that makes Yannick coast to a stop against the glass with a smirk he has to hide with his glove. He makes himself shrug, "So you can shoot. Yay."

Yannick sees the pout that doesn't go any further from the corners of those pretty lips, and wonders just how warm Hell would be. Fucking the kid brother of a fuckbuddy is. Bad? Right? Yannick's a little fuzzy on the whole thing. He skates closer, notes carefully that he easily has 10 kilos on the kid, and licks his lips.

"Roman, come on. You know how nasty that little ice can get."

"Like you know," Roman scoffs, looking Yannick over, "Excuse me, who do you play with now? The Kitchener Rangers? I don't really care if you're not going to get me ahead--"

Yannick shoves Roman up against the glass, the top panel shaking as Roman tries to shrug Yannick's arms off his neck. He leans in close enough to see the vivid pink flush creep up Roman's neck, and says, "Can't take a check, can you, pretty kid?"

Roman clenches his jaw, and Yannick grins harder in response, "Lot of fuckers out there, all of them like me, wanting to smash you up, and that's all you can do? Just pout? Pouty-pout," he sticks his lower lip, pitches his voice higher, "Oh no, I can't be physical--"

"Fuck you," Roman snarls, panting through his nose. Yannick laughs, "Is that all? You're a pretty kid, Roman. You get a lot of comments, hm? Think it's going to be any better when you make it to the big show?"

The stiff silence Roman sends out is just as good as a no in Yannick's book. Yannick gently shoves him up against the glass, "Maybe you just need to toughen up your mental game. There's a reason Ds take longer to develop."

Roman gives him an considering look, like this is the first intelligent thing he's said all morning. Which is bullshit. Yannick wakes up with all sort of intelligent shit. So much. Roman wouldn't even get it. Yannick smirks, "Meanness is a talent, kid. I like your potential." He likes how the kid doesn't look away, and presses him harder against the glass, enough that his helmet bounces gently off it, "You can take it."

"I can give it," Roman snarls, and oh, it's almost cute. Yannick raises an eyebrow, drawls, "It's a good thing you're pretty."

"Yeah? You fucking plank," Roman shoves Yannick away, "If I wanted to see some guy jerk himself off I could have looked in the mirror instead of coming down to this rink." He strides across the ice to the tunnel, and Yannick catches up a lot less easily than he would've like, tugging on Roman's thin sweatshirt before he gets onto the cement.

Roman hisses through his teeth, and for a heartbeat, Yannick almost feels like he's in The O.C. as he smirks and shoves the helmet off Roman's head. Roman jerks away, almost slipping on the cement before he regains his balance, tries to clamp his hair down against the halo of spots across his forehead. Yannick watches the thick waves of hair slip through Roman's fingers, showing angry red spots there and there where Roman apparently gave up self-control and dragged a nail across.

Yannick says, "Ok, you're not so pretty now."

"Fuck off," Roman says, in English, through his puppy-like fingers. Yannick grins, shoves Roman towards the sign that says Showers, "Nah, you don't. You want to develop your mental game. Learn how to take insults."

"Not off the ice," Roman sulks, draping himself against the wall.

Thank god for bad lighting, because now Yannick can't see the embarrassing pimples on that five-head. Yannick slides his hand up Roman's thigh, pausing to check the thickness of it with the meat of his fingers, and says, "You Josi boys are so easy."

Roman freezes.

"What, jealous?" Yannick taunts. Roman shoots him a hot glare, his eyes definitely panty-creaming, and oh, the boys over in North America are going to eat him alive.

Unless Yannick gets there first.

He drags his hand up Roman's thigh, and smiles when he finds how hard Roman is. Roman swallows, juts his chin out defiantly, and Yannick only has to cup that cock through those sweats to make Roman's long, girly eyelashes flutter. Yannick scrapes his mouth across Roman's, "Know how to suck off a man, Josi?"

Roman bites down on Yannick's lip, hard enough to draw a little blood, rubbing himself off against Yannick's palm, breathing harder. Yannick laughs through the thin stream of blood, "Not like that, kid," and shoves him onto the locker room floor.

Yannick nods at Roman's skates, at Roman's clothes, "Take them off." Roman grits out a smile, and yanks his skates off before he checks himself and gently lays the skates in their case. Yannick gets undressed faster than the kid, but all that means is that he gets the water warm, waiting for Roman to find his balls and to fucking come in.

The kid does, with only a washcloth and nothing hiding that rat face. Yannick grins as he leans against the tiles, feeling the warm water drip down his back and says, "Come closer, Roman."

"What do I even get," Roman says, stepping around an old puddle. Yannick considers saying, The pleasure of sucking me off, considers better, smiles instead, "A chance to come into something besides those rosy palms of yours."

Roman flushes, with both anger and embarrassment, as he presses himself into the spray with fierce determination. Yannick slides a hand down Roman's back, pressing down on the divots his rubs make before he presses a thigh up between Roman's thighs, the only sturdy-looking part of him. Roman shivers, presses himself closer, his hairless chest bumping against the sparse hair Yannick has on his--

Yannick almost smiles when he pushes Roman down on his knees.

The tile clanks against Roman's knees, and he looks up at Yannick with a dare in his eyes. Shoving his cock against Roman's lips is just as easy as he hoped, watching Roman try to wrap his lips around the cockhead, his pink tongue slipping out enough to make Yannick tangle his hand in Roman's wet hair. Roman shakes, and Yannick breathes, "It's not just the tip, come on, haven't you seen porn?"

Yannick gets a little harder in Roman's mouth, watching those eyes-- are they blue? green?-- glare up at him as his own cock pushes that rat face a little out of shape.

He feels even bigger, more powerful as Roman tries to figure out what to do with his hands before he rests them on the top of his thighs, framing his more-than half-hard cock. Yannick rubs himself against Roman's tongue, laughs when Roman sucks harder, like it'd hurt, "Aw, you should be happy, your rat face looks so much better with a cock in it--"

He presses down on his cock through Roman's cheek, "Even if you do look like a chipmunk now," shoves himself in more when Roman tries to get enough breath to protest. Feeling Roman's teeth scrape against him doesn't make Yannick go down even the slightest. Why would it? He's watching Roman's cock jerk in between thrusts he's giving to that face, feeling those chapped lips brush against his cock as he tries to breathe around Yannick. Roman's flushed down to his teeny little nipples, and if Yannick had more time to jerk them around he'd flick those nipples for sure, maybe see how good those thighs would feel around his cock. Yannick bites back a moan, his hands twitching against the tile before he pushes them against Roman's hair.

Roman doesn't pull off, keeps trying to swallow around Yannick and leaving so much spit Yannick thinks the shower isn't clean enough for this kid.

"Yeah, just like I thought, all that mean-girl bullshit just hides how much you want a cock shoved in your mouth," Yannick pants, twisting his hands in Roman's hair, the gel catching on the pads of his fingers. It's the hardest thing to not just shove him up to his hip, to feel him gag around his cock--

Yannick likes repeats more than trying to recreate porn, and maybe jerking off on the kid's face is just another way of recreating porn. Whatever. Facials are good for skin, right?

Roman swallows, looking like he wants to cry, and doesn't look at Yannick before he gets to his feet. Yannick makes an aht noise, pressing his face against Roman's slick neck, "I promised you a little something, didn't I, pretty rat?"

"Suck me off," Roman manages, trying to be imperious, his throat sounding well-used. Yannick looks Roman's cock over. Manageable. Pretty, if you're into smooth thighs, and Yannick smirks before he gets down onto his knees. The hard tile on his knees sucks, sure, but he can smell how new Roman is, can almost taste the come in his mouth. One suck and the kid is done--

It takes four easy sucks, ones that make Yannick feel tender with how easy blowing this Josi is, before Roman comes with a muffled moan against his arm.

Yannick saves him from braining him against the tile, holding him up against the tile with a firm hand on that ass, before Roman keeps spurting bitter come into his mouth. He doesn't pull away to tell Roman how he needs to drink more water. This time, and that thought makes Yannick spits on the tiles, lets the shower spray wash it down the drain, and gets up. Roman looks almost relaxed like this, and Yannick scrapes a thumbnail down his lip, "I guess I got what I came here for."

Roman only blinks for a beat before he realizes what exactly got Yannick to come up to Bern. Yannick taps Roman's cheek lightly, winks, "See you at brunch, kid."

Why would Yannick get one bite at the apple if he can get two?

[blainemoriarty]

Adventure Time Season 5 Starters ¼

Episode 1 - Finn the Human

"He's heading to that cube!"

"Did you guys see that? You know that was a ghost wearing a dead guy? That might be the nastiest thing I've ever seen."

"I'm basically honorary nasty."

"It depends on the wish I granted him."

"He wished for the extinction of all life and I did it."

"I need you to take the mule into town today and sell him for as much as you can."

"I push you, you fall down!"

"I guess dad must be in a lot of trouble to be doing this..."

"I'm a thousand years old, and this is my crown!"

"This crown is magic - bad, terrible magic. Too dangerous for mortal fingies like yours!"

"Daddy says the false prophets of old used cheap parlor tricks to control the people, and to get babes. Like, ten or twelve hot babes each."

"Go back to the underworld, you beast!"

"I know you're not really talking to me. I'm not crazy."

Episode 2 - Jake the Dog

“Sometimes a well-intentioned wish can lead to… Nuts.”

“No, that’s not possible. I raised you better than that!”

“I’m serious, man. You’re like a strong number three on my Cool Guys List.”

“Aw man, my dad used to make pickles. It’s all he used to talk about. He’d obsess over them all the time. When I’d come in from playing, he’d be like, ‘Here ___, try these.’“

“Why am I cold and confused?!”

“Fear not, icicle child - for I have birthed you into a new life!”

“Ah, my kicks!”

“I’ve taught you well, my traitorous gang.”

“The voices… They tell me to freeze the world.”

“Get off of me, weirdo!”

“I am the end and the beginning. I am the hand of madness.”

“Dude, I get out of relationships because I don’t wanna have a discussion about what we’re gonna have for dinner every. Night.”

“What is a singular doing in this realm?!”

“I warned you, you butt.”

“Focus! Here, eat this egg. It’s brain food.”

Episode 3 - Five More Short Graybles

“You ready for some ancient feel-good spellcraft?”

“I don’t feel like a good boy.”

“You sure you read that spell right?”

“Hey, check out that gross toad.”

“Let’s find some more holes.”

“I’m sorry, but the wheels of justice spin too slowly. I’m going to have to take the law into my own hands.”

“Thank y’all for coming. The police have failed me in my time of need.”

“I’ve brought you all together - a posse!”

“You’re gonna have a new mommy to help boss you around.”

“It’s a wife ring. This one’s for me - I’m the husband. That means I get the remote control three times a week and you get it four!”

“But I don’t understand. I’m a real baby girl now.”

“I will not always be here to protect you. No, you must learn.”

“I know a thing or two about good boys.”

Episode 4 - Up A Tree

“Oh man! My throwing and catching disk!”

“Sometimes a man just has to retrieve his own disk.”

“Hello, I apologize for staring, but I’ve never seen a chipmunk as big as you.”

“Must’a could not heard me.”

“Just do me a kindness and go get me some more nut milk.”

“In the tree, part of the tree.”

Episode 5 - All the Little People

“Do you think you should date someone who’s like you, or someone who’s like, your opposite?”

“I didn’t mean that, don’t spread that around.”

“So, it’s not good to weigh somebody’s qualities against your own?”

“Oh, I see. You’re being weird.”

“I’m not coming back.”

“Hey, what’s that in your pants?”

“No, don’t play with that hack…”

“Did you stay up all night reading trash books?” 

“I don’t like where you’re going with this. It ain’t wholesome.”

“I’m back! I got over all that messed up stuff you did.”

“Look at me, man! I’m staring into the shadow of my darkest mind-hole!”

Episode 6 - Jake the Dad

“Puppies, puppies, puppies!”

“They’re still pretty sleepy. Sleepy little sweeties.”

“Real talk - are you worried about being a dad?”

“This is not for babies!”

“They just sit there while you eat them.”

“It’s every parent’s worst nightmare!”

Episode 7 - Davey

“Don’t let the dragon drag on, man.”

“Have dinner with me! Please! Please! Please! ____! Please!”

“We should get out of here man, I think someone called the heat.”

“Gimme your bank account! Bang bang! Reach for the roof, and give me all your gold bricks!”

“Do you wanna have dinner instead of breakfast today?”

“Mister, I don’t know nothing about that.”

“I’m a robber and I’m gonna rob somebody’s life!”

“Here’s your meal, criminal. We feed our criminals.”

Episode 8 - Mystery Dungeon

“Awake! Alas! Hold tight your buns, if buns you do hold dear!”

“What are those awful words?”

“I’m reading the wall. They are wall words.”

“I no longer need this map. I have infellible recall.”

“Oh! The room is tryna hug us!”

“This is wrong. The map lied to me! It doesn’t want me to find the exit!”

“Make yourself into food, now!”

“Don’t you remember? I am your son.”

“This heat is negating my powers.”

“That’s… warm on my under-carriage.”

“Wow, that was heavy, man.”

“My juice! My vital juices!”

“I got no time for no-body dancin’ around, and actin’ a fool at my expense.”

 “I knocked y’all out and brought you here!”

“Father, look at me. Are you happy with me now, Papi?”

“All my brilliant fantasies will now be real!”

“Bye, don’t follow me.”

“I will wait for you, across the threshold of consciousness.”

Episode 9 - All Your Fault

“Are you lemon? Does your head come to a nub?”

“You are un-lemon.”

“Maybe we should hold hands… For safety!”

“There is no more candy to hoard. Let them keep what crumbs they find, for there are no crumbs.”

“It just felt so pretty okay inside, greeting eat new placid face, and hearing each new piercing song.”

“Its all your fault! We warned you! We warned you about us!” 

“Just smash it already, Grandma.”

“Woah, hold the phones. What is this powerful new juice coursing from my core source?”

“Is this the rumored ache of feeling? The feeling of caring unknown to lemons?”

“Their hearts are fine. They’re just like this.”

Episode 10 - Little Dude

“First one in the water is, um… First one in the water!”

“I’ll use the sassage flare.”

“Grob, dude! Your hat’s alive!”

“Yeah man, hats can be anything. Pants. Other people. Its fine!”

“Your head looks weird with short hair, dude. Feels like a peach.”

“Only good babies get sassages.”

“Man, we should tell him we know he sleeps on the top of our house.”

“Papa always said I was a bad wizard…”

“All I can do is think about my Papa and how much I disappoint him!”

“Uh, yeah. Just think about your mom and use your magic.”

“It’s not his fault he was created evil.”

Episode 11 - Bad Little Boy

“That’s not a book! It’s a bomb!”

“Go on, get outta here, and don’t ever do wrong things again!”

“Lets have a best-and-closest-friend lunch!”

“Oh my. Looks like you almost skronked up my dome-piece.”

“I’m not going out there. It’s wet.”

“Don’t you know I’m a villain?”

“Out of my way, kitty.”

“This is bad, guys. This is really bad.”

“You’re like the realest person I’ve ever met.”

Episode 12 - Vault of Bones

“Let’s go have a good time in a dungeon, or something.”

“That tree over there is not made of wood.”

“I shall grant thee clemency, if you do the splits. Do the splits!”

“See? A lot of times you can overpower these guys with confidence.”

“Why would someone go through the trouble of setting up a hologram? Unless… They’ve hidden something in this room.”

“Hot Daniel. I thought you were gonna burn me alive.”

Episode 13 - The Great Bird Man

“Some say he’s a half-man half-bird that poops fire while he flies.”

“The mermaids are trying to beach themselves. I’m trying to figure out why. Turns out they’re just lonely.”

“This is the rookery, where I and my bird friends dwell.”

“When we first met, I was crazy for smacking goblin hams.”

“I pissed off a wizard and he took my eyes. I wonder what he wanted them for. Some kind of lotion, or potion, or time-travelling spell.”

“It was crazy how his eyeballs were just hangin’ there.”

“I manipulated space with a vibrational chant.”

“I love these birds more than I love myself.”

“Your eyes weren’t stolen by a wizard. They’re in your beard.”

“We didn’t tell you because we thought you might still be a wong-lord.”

“All my friends, to the sky.”

“Anyone who disagrees with me should get a spanking!”

“Where’s the butt on this thing?”

Episode 14 - Simon & Marcy

“I’ll get us all some little waters.”

“Why’d you invite Ancient Chubs to play basketball?”

“Yeah, lay down ___. Go to sleep!”

“Ew. It’s a dead rat.”

“You stay in the car, I’ll be right back.”

“You’re not gonna put it on, are you?”

“Don’t worry, I can control it better now.”

“I call upon the power of ice and snow!”

“You will no longer terrify a 47 year old man and a 7 year old girl!”

“Vandalism is wrong, ___.”

“Aw, everything’s gone.”

“I have to protect us.”

“I’m as old as garlic balls, if someone offered to pick me up and carry me, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

“Gross. You’re gross.”

“Clams? The Clambulance?! No! I need chicken!”

“____, cover your ears!”

“Our butts are grass, right?”

“Don’t leave me here, I can fight!”

“You have to keep it together. For her.”

“You’re gonna feel awesome in a moment.”

“Keep telling these chump stories while I score a bunch of baskets.”

[emo-rejects-archive]

Prompt of Momo Yaoyorozu gaining weight to improve her quirk, but accidentally getting too much into it and being unable to go back, becoming the biggest slob at UA.

(If I have to write slob Momo one more time I swear on God

Thanks for the ask! Don’t be afraid to send in another!)

Where did it all go wrong for her?

When Momo Yaoyarozu had first enrolled into U.A, she had been a svelte, yet curvaceous young women. Her body was the eye candy her male peers, and the envy of her female classmates. Along with a physically perfect body, she had also been gifted with an intelligent mind, maintaining some of the highest test scores in U.A history, and she was only a first year at that!

However, there was one issue with Yaoyarozu; her Quirk, Creation.

Momo had been gifted with the ability to create any form of matter via the use of fat cells in her body, but that was the problem. Despite possessing full hips and round breasts, the rest of Momo’s body was quite thin, so she couldn’t make very good use of her Quirk.

There was only one thing that her teachers at U.A could prescribe her to do... Gain weight.

Of course, they did tell her that she only really needed a few kilograms and not to “overdo it”, but in spite of her genius mind, Momo didn’t catch that part. She had already set her mind on bulking up.

It started out simple, but difficult at first.

During lunchtime, Momo would stack her tray high with various foodstuffs that the U.A cafeteria served, and she would gorge herself silly. This would of course leave her with a nasty bloat in her middle, one that remained on her figure for the rest of school afternoon. Often she would have to excuse herself to the bathroom so that she could undo the buttons on her school uniform and give her stuffed abdomen a few much needed rubs, belching out any built up gas in privacy. Her teachers weren’t necessarily pleased by having to let their star student miss a few minutes of class everyday, but if it was for the betterment of her Quirk, then they were fine with it.

After a few weeks, Momo started showing results. Her stomach was the biggest focus of her new gains, going from slim and trim, to soft and pinchable, a puffy muffin top that nicely split out of the exposed opening of her hero costumes leotard. Her breasts and butt got a little fuller as well, but not quite as major as the chub that had accumulated on her tummy.

With a little more fat on her, Momo was finally making better use of her Quirk, and her scores during Hero training exams actually started improving. Her teachers were proud of how much progress she had made in a relatively short amount of time.

And she could’ve stopped there.

And yet... She didn’t.

Having come from a prideful and wealthy family, Momo had always been expected to uphold certain mannerisms that came with high society, so when she had finally been given the opportunity to indulge, it had... Awakened something within her.

Some of her closest friends voiced their concerns when they saw that she was still overeating even though she had gained a necessary amount of weight, but she brushed them off, assuring them that everything was “under control”.

It wasn’t.

If anything, things continued to downward spiral from there.

By the time summer came, Momo was well over a hundred-and-fifty kilos, making her the heaviest student in all of U.A, far outclassing some of her more muscular peers. But her body was anything but muscular. Momo Yaoyarozu had transformed herself into a big chunky butterball, one with a big, round belly that had popped off the buttons of her summer uniform and hung over the waistband of her skirt, and enormous breasts, ones that couldn’t be contained any bra, each tit easily bigger than her head. Even her cheeks had gotten pudgier, along with a second flabby chin that had sprouted underneath her first.

Due to the warm summer air and being quite the hefty young women, Momo sweated like crazy, so much so that her uniform was drenched in moisture from after simple walks from the cafeteria to her classroom. This of course had caused her to earn the ire and disgusted looks from her classmates. Even her teachers started to hold her in lower regards after catching her snacking in class on multiple occasions

The nail really got hammered into the coffin when one day she finally broke a chair with her plentiful rear.

But did that stop her from gaining? Was she finally embarrassed enough to slow down?

Nope.

If anything, her weight gain increased in speed.

Months passed, and the kilos kept piling on to Momo’s increasingly heavy frame.

Two-hundred-and-thirty, two-hundred-and-seventy, three-hundred-and-fifty...

By the time the leaves were falling and the weather was cooling down, Momo Yaoyarozu had reached half of an American ton. She was quite easily the fattest woman in all of Japan, maybe even the world at large, and she wasn’t even done with her first year at U.A. She could barely waddle about, having been forced to use her Quirk to create a mobility scooter to ferry her around campus. Even then, her mountain of lard that she called a stomach still occasionally dragged against the floor.

No article of clothing could even come close to fitting her anymore, the only thing keeping her somewhat decent being her many times resized hero costume. “Somewhat decent” was actually an understatement, given that Momo’s boobs were such monstrosly huge piles of flesh that parts of her thick dark nipples were left exposed. Her cleavage was a literal canyon on her behemoth body, one that worked well as a storage space for any extra snacks or I chewed bits of food.

Every time someone caught wind of her coming down the halls, she’d be given a wide berth, one reason being that Momo herself was a very wide person, the other...

Due to her morbid obesity and near constant gorging, Momo’s digestive tract had become rather overtaxed, either expelling a powerful belch to fly out of her lard swallowed throat or a rancid fart to trumpet out of her flat chunky ass every other second.

With all of the gas she created, a lingering stench and warmth lingered in the air around her, making it impossible for other students to hang around her without feeling sick. The heat of her flatulence caused her body to sweat pour down from her numerous chin folds to her useless plump feet by the gallons, and it even made her lengthy black hair frizzy with grease.

Because Momo had gotten so fat that she could only really think about food. This of course caused her grades, what she had been known for throughout U.A at one point in time, to drop considerably. The only real reason that she hadn’t been kicked out of U.A yet was because of her Quirk. At her current size, Momo could create tanks, helicopters, and even missiles if she so desired.

And she was only going to keep getting bigger.

[madmetalmatty-blog]

DKFFL Week 1

“Oooooo that smell... Can’t you smell that smell!”

No... It’s not Covey (you look like a stinky fella).. it’s football season and it’s in the air all around us!  It’s finally Week 1... I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve been rocking a half chub all week.  So the format of these posts will include a brief recap of the previous week and a preview of the current weeks match-ups.  If this is too complicated for you, “Just ring your bell and I’ll have Tommy come over and hit you over the head with a hammer because you are a REETARD!” 

I’ve given you all new team names because your current ones seriously lack creativity.  Time to preview Week 1 match-ups.  So light a candle, grab a tube of lube, and assume the position... 

Concussion Protocol (Me) vs. Nantucket Caveman (Hawkins)

Big shout out to Hurricane Irma!  Took Hawks best receiver out of play this week... Not that it would have mattered as 3 of his starters combined for whopping 23.5 points!  Brady to Hogan looked like shit last night but your Chiefs got there shit together in the second half!  I didn’t know Alex Smith could throw a ball over 20 yards! But I am disappointed in our self proclaimed football expert/fraudulent baller... I know you want to make the league more expensive for us peasants to play in but you are really losing some respect when it comes to fantasy football.  I see Martavis (black guys names these days, am i right!?) and Ertz taking you to pound town this weekend.  I know Hawk is feeling confident with Crypt Keeper Frank Gore in the FLEX spot... Sorry, but your done son!

Prediction:  Matt Robb wins 134 to 89

Rosie O’Donnell (Nick) vs. Eternal New Jack (Boggy)

Libtard Nick came flying out of the gates last night with Kareem Hunt!... Wait, who the fuck is that guy?! Nothing sucks more than when our League’s Roger Goodell scores a lot of points... but it happened... And now Boggy’s shitty ass team is going to have to play out of their minds.  Maybe he’ll get lucky and Rivers will throw 18 interceptions.. Dude looks like he is shot putting every time he throws.  Go make another baby you geriatric fuck! I’m talk about Rivers, not you Stubbz... 

Prediction:  Rosie wins 142 to 116

Dry Dick Fic (Ricky) vs. Terd Kernel (Clint)

Although most of us in here take bigger shits than Clint’s actual size... It can’t be denied that he has been a perennial playoff contender... And we haven’t seen much from Ricky other than the fact that he has no clue what the fuck he is doing.  Tyreek has Ricky off to a good start this week which he will need as he is starting private detective Jack Doyle and AARP AP.  Meanwhile, on the very small island of Clintoris, a state of emergency has been declared for Hurricane Irma... No J. Winston for you this week!  I don’t see either team breaking 100.  

Prediction:  Dicky 99.8 to 94.5

I CAN’T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE (Litwak) vs. Mermanator (Beard) 

Prepare for some lame shit talking between this two... Don’t expect either team to back it up.  Litwak is coming in hot with a lackluster receiving corps and a weaponless Breesus Christ himself..Nice stream with Buffalo D this week though! And I do like the two TE play... I mean who isn’t a fan of a nice Tight End.. HAHA Am i right boys or am i right?!?!  Beard went with some risk at RB with Lynch and Perkins but has Mariota who should be in for a shootout with tha RAAAIIIDDEEERRRRSSS.  

 Prediction:  Litwak wins scoring his average golf score.. 120 to 111

Cock Goblin (James) vs. Stork II (Kevin)

Here is a sad fucking matchup if I’ve ever seen one... Kevin limping in all butt hurt about not being nominated for a position he feels he created vs a straight up creature feature.  I mean if Creep spent as much time researching fantasy football as he did trying to annoy people with shitty ass music, he’d be a lock for the championship every year.  Every time I see a RAVE, i want to drive a tractor trailer through it... Straight up mass murder.  Which is probably what Seymour’s team will do to Creep this week .  Gronk did get James a stellar 5.3 points last night though! Way to go... And side note, you’re all lucky Seymour isn’t writing this to bedazzle you with is 2nd grade level comedic genius.  Guy loves talking about two dicks touching... A little weird. And I leave with footage of James performing Kevin’s dance moves... 

Prediction:  Seymour slaughters 135 to 104

2 Fast 2 Bi-Curious (Lanning) vs.Vaginal Fart (KMarsh)

Kyle Bowl aka Irrelevant Bowl... Congrats to Kmarsh for winning the League last year and for getting wifey’s approval to play again this year! Great to have you here for another season!  As for Lanning, I sort of forget you are in this league... It’s not my fault, there are like 14 teams and i can’t keep track of all the shitty ones.  Lanning could be in for a great season with David Johnson and Aaron Rodgers... He just needs to start focusing on the players themselves instead of what’s in their pants.  KMarsh is rocking out with Beckham and Baldwin... We’ll have to wait and see what little Kirky can do for you at QB though.  Overall assessment... Shit’s weak, wizzzzeeaaaaakkk!

    Prediction:  Lanning wins 139 to 109

Robot (Mulvaney) vs Lot Lizard (Covey)

Gotta hand it to Covey, he can still find time to set his lineup each week between driving from state to state sucking off dirty truckers.  He’s like a boston creme doughnut only the creme is trucker jizz... And the chocolate frosting is poop... Don’t know why, but I feel like you’ve had adult poop on you before.  He’s up against Andrew who is like a slightly more fun Matt Lynn... Only two modes with Andrew.. Emotionless or extreme rage.  I’ve had more interesting conversations with my dog.  She is a goldendoodle though... Super smart breed so don’t feel bad about it.  Both your teams are pretty bad... I know they haven’t played any games yet... but they still seem really bad on paper.  Believe me, I know what I’m talking about... I’ve been in this league for 3 years and have yet to make the playoffs.  This matchup will come down to receivers.  That’s some lame analysis right there!! It’s just so hard to care at this point of the write up.  

Prediction:  Andrew pulls and sprays all over Covey 142 to 105 (that’s a win in Covey’s world)

That’s it for week 1.. I hope i hurt some feelings and if you don’t like what I’ve written here today... TOO FUCKING BAD.  

GO BILLS!!