#“being awake” is a basic brain function. if a person's brain cannot manage that then something is SERIOUSLY wrong.

[linguisticparadox]

I would say stay with them and watch for symptoms but being "wobbly and confused" ARE symptoms so in this scenario I would seek immediate medical care.

What would you do faced with a concussion? This is for writing purposes to see how much an average person would know to do. This is not advice, I'm not healthcare

Someone has hit their head. They say they're fine, but seem a bit wobbly and confused.

[waywardsou2]

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ General Bad Batch Head Canons ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Hunter

He was secretly always jealous of Cut getting to settle down, have a life, a family, getting away from all the war and bloodshed. Hunter had wanted that but never thought it was possible

Hunter cried, fully cried to himself the night after Crosshair, despite everything that had just happened on Kamino, had still chosen the Empire over his brothers. Despite all he had seen on the battlefield all of the people he had failed to save, nothing hurt more than losing his brother.

When he was young, and ever since then Hunter has only ever let his brothers trim his hair. And he helps them cut theirs too. Hunter is very particular about his hair being a certain length and usually only trims his hair a few inches at best.

Hunter's face tattoo is actually to cover a birthmark. His other brothers (not the batch) used to tease him about it when they were cadets. He eventually got the tattoo to cover it up. These days he regrets it and doesn't understand why he folded to their teasing but he's still happy with it anyway. He doesn't regret the tattoo perse more the reason he felt the need to get it in the first place

Wrecker

Wrecker got Lula from a kid he helped on Ryloth when the Separatists were attempting to invade the planet, he loved it and was very attached to the toy. But he knew how important it was to the kid and he kept it with him for years until he gave it to Omega. He thought it made sense to give it to her, a young kid he had helped gave it to him and now he had passed it on to the next kid who needed it

Wrecker used to place fake bombs or stink bombs under his brother's bunks as pranks. He was always so obvious whenever he was doing this because he would be over-eager and giggle to himself, but he did manage to jump his brothers a few times with the prank

When Wrecker was caught in a bombing accident that messed up his eye and scared his face, he had a hard time adjusting to the way he looked, he didn't recognize part of himself now. And he especially hated when his hair didn't grow back the same way, and because of that he decided to shave it all off and continue to keep his head bald

In addition to that I think that when Wrecker was younger, he had hair a similar length to Hunter, and he liked it, despite the Kaminoans telling him to cut it several times. He does miss his hair at times, but he does like it better without hair hindering him.

Tech

Techs goggles function the same as prescription glasses, he's actually far sighted, this is why his helmet was built to fit around his goggles because he basically cannot see without them

(less of a head canon more of a canon fact with my personal twist) Tech is the youngest of his brothers but he was the quickest to mature and grow, which he likes reminding them about constantly.

(this one is gonna hurt, sorry in advance) When he fell off of the rail car into the ravine below, he didn't instantly but have some very fatal wounds and wasn't far off, Hemlock and his men found him and Hemlock took his goggles from off of his dying body and left. Leaving his men to dispose of him (I don't know what my mind was thinking when I wrote this, I guess I just love angst too much)

Tech had feelings for Phee but he never knew if she was being polite or flirting with him. He never said anything about it to her or his brothers because he figured that there was never going to be a time for him to ever act on those feelings so he never did anything about them.

Echo

(keep in mind I haven't seen any pre Bad Batch content of Echo so some of this stuff might conflict with his canon)

When Echo got blown up and had to have his face reconstructed he was awake for most of the procedure because if he slept or if they induced him it wasn't likely that he would wake up again, especially considering all of the damage done to his body and brain.

(Idk why but this one is super random but just feels right to me) Echo really likes butterflies, he likes the delicacy and beauty that comes from the creature's existence, the first time he saw one he was taken aback and had stopped to admire it. His Commander scolded him for getting left behind at the time

Echo used to pick at his head implants, they made him really uncomfortable and self-conscious, and his brothers used to have to stop him from damaging them and endangering himself. It was a really big issue of his for a while.

Crosshair

Crosshair's tattoo is also a cover-up for a scar, it's the right side of the crosshair that touches his nose. That line is actually a healed over scar underneath. He thought considering his nickname that the tattoo wasn't a bad idea. He was also secretly just copying his big brother Hunter, not that he would ever admit that

This guy can nap anywhere, and I mean anywhere. He doesn't sleep so he naps when he can. In trees, standing up, in the cockpit literally any where.

Adding onto the head canon from before I think Crosshair would have insomnia. But as he would do he never told the Kaminoans because he didn't want them to "fix him"

Crosshair has a nervous/general tick where he chews on his lip, he used to chew it so often that he often had cuts all over them. In place of cutting up his lips he decided to try and alternative - toothpicks. This was a good way to hide it but to still be able to tick when he needed to, plus the toothpicks were easy to access because he could collect them from the mess hall on Kamino

I realised at the end that I hadn't written any for Omega. How dare I? I promise I'll upload some soon

Hope you enjoyed these! Tell me your head canons below!

[loveau]

college!au seulgi

request: elli!! can u please do a college gf au with seulgi? i think we could all use that cute fluffiness right now 🤧 p.s. thank u for sharing ur wonderful writing ilu 💕

major: business w/ a concentration in human resources management

minor: dance

club: prob vp of the school’s women in business club!!! she joined in the middle of her sophomore year and became vp in junior!

she’s most likely been an RA in her sophomore or junior for the upperclassmen

she was in it for the door decs before realizing she actually liked it lOL

originally was a bio major and was stressed about it, but switched to business after being an RA because she thought it was her calling???

it just fit a lot better and she didn’t have to stand there hunched over her lab work and worry about accidentally breathing in pathogens

she had declared a bio major because the plan was to go to med school if all else fails and she didn’t really know what else to do, so that was a safe option right?

never before had she been so relieved to find out that she actually really liked spending time in her business and management classes and leading her volunteer group and being an RA

she also now has an excuse to dress up super nicely for interviews and such because she had so many outfits in her closet but never got a chance to wear them out

she became so much more at ease and bubbly about it too

no more sitting in lecture halls having to recite the functions of B-cells or whatnot

it also helped to have sat down with her ARD irene who told her she might like business

it was a long process of convincing because most of it was spent trying not to keep gossiping about the other RAs on campus alfsdlknfmsdlgkn

afterwards she quits reslife so she can focus on other stuff and lives in an apartment near campus her senior year

she becomes pretty popular around campus for her happy personality and her calm energy to match, making it so easy to start a conversation with her or just hang out

seulgi will be studying somewhere in a common student area and previous residents or club mates or classmates will wave to her or stop by for a quick chat

she’s also normally p busy tho being the vp of the wib club and also making sure she’s updating her resume and leaving time on the weekends to volunteer at the animal shelter like she loves

and also making sure she isn’t spending too much on online shopping for clothes and oOPS HER FINGER SLIPPED AND NOW SHE HAS LIKE TWO TOPS AND A PAIR OF OVERALLS ON THE WAY 

but she often doesn’t have a lot of time to spend with her friends unless they plan it like a MONTH beforehand since she’s been applying and interviewing for countless internships

she was just so excited to find something that she’s super passionate about instead of biology and she kind of overloads herself on that energy akfsldgnskjgn

so of course when her friends invite her to parties or kickbacks she has to decline because she has to make the next powerpoint presentation for the club meeting and also make sure the club’s end of semester dinner is being all squared away

seulgi’s a busybody and enjoys what she does, so much that she doesn’t realize that she keeps overloading her schedule and not giving a lot of time for just herself

which usually means she also spends a lot of time cramming everything at once and might end up passing out at a friend’s place during a study session, in the middle of club meetings, or even in the library late at night

that’s just how she spent her thursday night 

she had been setting up a speech for her recruitment and selection class and had been so tired from her club meeting a couple hours before that she ended up falling asleep in the library

it was kind of cute since she had hairs slipping from her bun, some coffee stains on her sweater, ink all over her hand from notes, candy wrappers spread around her area, and her head was tipped back and her mouth wide open as she slept

okay............ not that cute

she was a mess

but it was enough for her to get startled awake by a longboard rolling across the room and hitting her chair leg quite hard

she didn’t know what happened at first and checked around only to find a somewhat empty library save the couple of students also diligently working

her laptop she left open was dead and she cursed because she didn’t save her speech and her phone was below 10%, but it was enough to tell her that it was like 3am in the morning

seulgi only noticed the skateboard because she was going to go to the bathroom to freshen up and almost slipped on it when her foot landed on the top

she caught herself and saw that there was a bottle of water and a granola bar and a note on it

‘hey, you look like you need a little refresher. i also had a spare charger in case you needed it, your laptop has been open the past hour’

sure enough there was a charger but it had been knocked to the floor after she slipped on the longboard

silently, seulgi placed the items on the table with the rest of her stuff and looked around for anyone who would have given her the stuff

except nobody was popping their head up and were all busy

plus they all had chargers with them so she didn’t know who would have given her the treats

nonetheless she opened the water bottle and felt replenished when the water hit her throat

she was so confused????? still?????

she decided to take her trip to the bathroom like she wanted to and maybe she could scope out whoever decided to give her the food and drink while she was at it

subtlety wasn’t exactly her forte either since she was craning her neck around every table and making the other students confused

eventually seulgi makes it to the bathroom and cleans herself up and when she comes back the longboard is gone and her laptop was charged for her and a new note lays on top of it?????

who???????

‘i had to go for the night, sorry about that! don’t worry about the charger, i have another one and i’ll just collect this one when i bump into you again :)’

and just like that seulgi was completely and utterly confused

she stays like that for the next two weeks or so, seeing no sign of anyone with the same longboard and she tries not to pounce at every person she sees riding one to class

it gets so bad that the prez asked if she was okay and getting enough sleep since she was so distracted during her meetings and if she called the caterer for the dinner yet asgGNSGDN

her friends sooyoung and yerim were also trying to use this as an advantage for her to get invited out to “clear her mind” as they say since she’s been so out of it lately

and they’re absolutely elated when seulgi agrees and decides to go because why not?? she’s been so stressed about finding this mystery person because she wanted to properly thank them... but also to get the laptop charger with hello kitty stickers all over it back to its owner

and also did they see she had drool running down her chin bc that was really embarrassing and she just wants to make sure if anyone saw that before she promptly packs her bags a moves to another country

she’s blushing at that don’t point it out or else it’ll get worse amsdlknsg

once they’re actually inside, she can’t help but look for any longboards by the door even though most of the people at the party came by on foot or by someone’s car since the house was relatively close to campus

sooyoung and yerim are basically pushing her further into the house as they chatter excitedly and they’re happy it isn’t a byob type of party

seulgi is basically saying she won’t drink that much because she’ll look after the two and let them go ham... for a bit..

but they’re basically like

“seulgi it’s fridaaaaay it’s fine”

“yeah! besides we know the house owner and can call joohyun if we anything”

and they’re both going “pleeeeeeeeaaaaase” and doing their best to yell it over the loud music

and before seulgi can deny any longer she’s turned to the kitchen that’s been blocked by a foldable table and there’s cup lining it and drinks all over on the counters

but she’s not distracted by the abundance of drinks and people surrounding it.........

she finds you smiling cheekily at her

“what can i get you?”

and seulgi starts sputtering over her words and she REALLY cannot get a single word out because oh my gosh who are you and are you single because UHHHHHHH her brain is going overload

and both sooyoung and yerim are already cackling at seulgi’s stunned silence and giving each other mischievous looks behind seulgi while she malfunctions

meanwhile you’re just drinking it all up with an amused smile and gleam in your eyes and oh god do you HAVE to lean against the counter like that?

seulgi can barely get a word out before you’re laughing a little and turning around to prepare three red solo cups

you pass the cups to sooyoung and yerim and they basically BOLT away to leave seulgi all alone and more importantly alone wITH YOU SOMEONE SAVE HER

you laugh at her red cheeks that shine from the kitchen lights behind you and seulgi is absolutely enamored by you at this moment

“don’t worry, i gave them more fruit juice than i did alcohol. they’ll be fine”

seulgi barely registers this and gapes like a fish to where her friends are dancing and drinking from whatever you prepared them

had she been paying proper attention like she normally does, she’s notice that yes you basically watered down the alcohol with some lemonade

“i know how crazy those two can get after a couple parties with them, so i’m making sure they don’t go overboard”

seulgi only watches as you take her cup and put it under the sink to give her water

she takes it an tries not to get giddy when your fingers brush

inner seulgi facepalms because she’s acting like she has a crush in high school

but she’s never felt this way since she switched majors???

and omg that feeling was so addicting exhibit a when seulgi overloads her schedule and now??? she just met you and can’t get enough already

“thank you” she practically inwardly screams when she realizes how meek she is but you only give her a friendly smile

“yeah! thought you could use a little refresher. i didn’t know if you wanted anything so i didn’t want to give you anything you wouldn’t feel pressured to drink. let me know if you need anything else!”

all seulgi does for the rest of the night is basically hang around the room and watch everyone get kind of crazy and make sure sooyoung and yerim are staying on their feet, but with a second set of eyes she actually feels like she has more freedom

especially since you stopped giving them alcohol and basically have been serving them just juice after they started getting past the bit of tipsiness

eventually seulgi has enough of just standing around and has had enough cups of water (she had maybe 3) to finally talk to you

before she’d been working up the courage to talk to you and had come back with a refilled cup of water but noW???

NOW???

she’s ready

at least she hopes

seulgi’s marching up to you and then sooyoung is at her arm whining and sort of falling over

seulgi manages to catch her and is p disoriented by everything like what is happening is she okay??

and sooyoung is just like

“seulgiiiiiiiii i wanna go hoooome, can we get burgers?”

and before she can ask where yerim went, she suddenly pops up and joins in

“burgers? i heard burgers can we go, i was foooood”

before she knows it she’s dragged out of the house by the two and basically walking them home a couple blocks away

and now seulgi’s bummed that she didn’t get to finally talk to you like she wanted

she doesn’t even know when she’ll be able to see you again since she didn’t get your name at all and she’d be mortified by all the teasing the younger two would give her since they knew how choked up she was if she asks them who you were

she’s even kind of sulking about it and she’s so caught up in it she gets a notification from her phone that she needs to finalize things with the caterer and reserve one of the areas on campus for the club’s dinner and that reminds her she needs to shop

but as she’s on her phone she nearly swerves into somebody and it shocks her enough to bring her back to reality and she moves to apologize to the person and all of a sudden

“oh hey! you again, fancy seeing you!”

and she’s now forgotten everything since she sees you smiling at her

this time she forces herself to find her voice and not embarrass herself and it’s like her interview persona comes in and she’s got that natural confidence oozing in and she beams that pretty smile of hers right back at you

“and you too! i never thought i’d run into you again”

you laugh and all of a sudden you’re like an inch shorter and seulgi looks down and spots that you’d been riding a longboard before almost crashing into her

and she recognizes that longboard with all of the sanrio stickers on it and is that a sicker of your face with some filter on the corner of it???

but she recognizes the longboard since it’s been engraved in her mind and it just clicks for her and suddenly seulgi is scrambling to pull her backpack from behind and you just watch on like

uh r u okay? are you good? pls don’t take out some random textbook and smack me over the head with it

the hello kitty covered charger she’s been saving in her backpack is suddenly thrust into her hands and you think she’s about to stumble her words again like in those anime love confession scenes but she’s almost aggressive with it????

“i’ve been keeping this in my backpack for a few weeks! i didn’t even know what you looked like so i had no clue how to find you, do you know how stressed out you made me? you’ve been on my mind for almost a month!”

she doesn’t even realize how her words sound until you’re responding back in kind with another one of those easy smiles of yours

“sorry, i’ve been meaning to catch you sooner but i’ve so many labs back to back” you look at your phone and bite your lip nervously, something seulgi is a little too focused on “i actually have one in like five minutes, that’s why i almost crashed into you...”

seulgi finally realizes you’re wearing a white lab coat, something you’d worn in preparation since you were already rushing to be on time

your phone is thrust into her hands with the empty contact already loaded up 

seulgi quickly types in her number and even snaps a cute profile photo of her and it’s your turn to be stunned by her because wow that was an impromptu photo and hOW DID SHE MAKE IT SO GOOD????

and then seulgi is ushering you off because you have like thREE MINUTES BEFORE LAB and you’re like OH YEAH UH BYE!!!! I’LL CALL YOU????

and she shouts back with a “YOU BETTER!!”

and suddenly seulgi gets a phone call and when she picks up she can hear the wind rushing past the speaker and you’re kind of breathy since you’re reaLLY using those leg muscles to PUSH to that lab

“yEaH so UH i wanted to tell you but i didn’t get the chance since i don’t want to have to do a makeup lab??? bUT UH, i saw one of your dance performances last year and thought you were really cute!!”

seulgi vaguely remembers that because she had done a solo dance for a showcase in the performing arts department and it was basically for the students to show off what they were working on and to her it was just a homework assignment on top of like four labs and a research paper

“oh yeah! i remember that... well not really, i’d been so busy that it all just flew by”

“yeah! that was around the time you were a bio major, right? i’d been meaning to talk to you then, but i wasn’t able to since you switch majors afterwards!”

“ah, bio as well?”

she hears your voice echo and she knows you’ve entered the building by now

relief floods her system that she didn’t keep you too long 

“nah, i’m a chem major. it translates pretty well to mixing drinks, huh?”

instead of getting embarrassed and recounting that previous experience at the party, seulgi’s business confidence is suRGING and i mean IT IS LARGO and she’s like

“i can’t really say. you’ve only made me water, so i’ll have to see another time?”

at this point you’re absolutely vibrating with excitement at the proposal of a date and you quickly accept

and that’S WHAT HAPPENED BUT YOU SPENT IT OVER A HOMEMADE DINNER WITH WINE AND SEULGI COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE IMPRESSED?!?!?!?!?

you’d cooked it all and brought it to her apartment since you said your housemates were hosting some study session so you just offered to bring it all over

she’s also shocked you managed to find time to do all of this given the busy stem major life and how she was struggling before

but she’s also mentioning that giving her one cup of wine doesn’t mean that’s mixing up a drink so you’ll have to do this again

and it happens aGAIN when you’re at a restaurant this time and it’s a pretty nice one near campus and y’all are just chatting away about seulgi’s women in business club dinner and she invites you to be her plus one aSDFKNSLF sHE MAY HAVE BEEN TOO SHY TO SAY DATE BUT YOU GOT THE MESSAGE

bUT AT THE SAME TIME the restaurant is the one making the drinks, so you’ll have to have her over again and mix something up

and sooyoung and yerim and just so distraught lIKE GO OUT ALREADY

and seulgi’s like we are?????? WE ARE????? WE ARE GOING ON DATES AND STUFF

but they just groan out and are about to storm up to in the middle of a lab and just hand seulgi over like

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE JUST CALL HER YOUR GIRLFRIEND ALREADY

when you finally do it’s funny because it’s at another party that sooyoung and yerim invite her to and you’re there mixing it up again but she didn’t realize that the first party where she met you was your house????

she’s hanging out with you in the kitchen and you’ve made her a cup of something sweet and seulgi has to admit that it is pretty good

and you just wink at her saying that your chemistry skills are actually pretty good

BUT THE CHEMISTRY BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU IS EVEN BETTER HEHEHE

and you’re totally not just hanging out in the kitchen away from the sweaty dancing crowd and sticky floor you’re having your housemates clean up since you’re the drink master

and yOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT STEALING KISSES FROM EACH OTHER WHILE SEULGI’S SITTING ON THE COUNTER AND YOU’RE PRETENDING TO REACH AROUND HER FOR A BOTTLE BUT NO INSTEAD YOU’RE REACHING FOR HER WAIST AND HOLDING HER CLOSE AS YOU KISS HER AND NOW YOU’RE SMILING AGAINST EACH OTHER’S LIPS

you spend late nights in the library together now and you’re also most of seulgi’s impulse control when it comes to making plans and doing stuff

mainly because you’re telling her that no-no do not force yourself to go to that resume workshop you’ve been to them enough times to LEAD those

and then she gets all excited like REALLY DO YOU THINK THEY’D LET ME?!?!?!

and you’re like no stOP WE’RE STAYING IN FOR A MOVIE NIGHT AND WATCHING CARS 2

but it’s also funny to see seulgi falling asleep against your shoulder and her mouth is hanging wide open and you’ve set so many pictures of her like that as your homescreen and been yelled at too many times to change it

and when you do change it, it’s just a different picture of her in that position from a different day

she likes to run through her speeches and presentations with you and you find it so cool that she’s so poised when doing that BUt she gets so shy when she wants a kiss but doesn’t want to say so and SHE KNOWS you know she wants a kiss

you’re constantly doing her buns for her since you’ve had some practice keeping your own hair out of your face for labs but also getting tips from other girls in your labs and lectures and when they find out the reason why they’re just like pLS YOU TWO GET MARRIED

but the closest they can see the two of you dress up together is when seulgi decides to wear her business clothes out on a date and you’ve gotten stuff to match her and now you’re basically a ceo power couple walking around campus to go return some books to the library

you sitting in on her meetings and watching with lovestruck eyes as she basically spends the good half of it also staring right back at you and when they’re in discussion or activities she just clings to your side and cuddles you

you teach her how to longboard and she’s still a little wobbly but it’s SO CUTE when she’s fearfully holding onto your hands and staring down at her feet and shouting at you to NOT LET GO AT ANY COST

eventually she gives up on that and buys a pair of rollerblades instead so you can just pull her around while she hangs onto your backpack strings while you move on the longboard

BUT WHAT MAKES EVERYONE JEALOUS???

you hold her hand instead :)

she’s just laughing and giggling and being all around smiley when your hands are linked and you’re rolling around campus with her in tow

you even go to all of her dance events as well!!!

she’s been able to put a lot more effort into them since switching majors, but especially since you manage to keep her rooted and not going off doing so many things at once

she also wants to make sure she looks good for you

when does she not though??

y’all are literally tooth rotting sweet for each other

it’s the absolute cutest thing and you totally didn’t put a sticker of her sleeping face with her mouth open on your longboard........ and on your charger...... and the laptop........ and hers.... -q- zzZZZ

[kariachi]

Kevin episode! And a Lord Decibel episode but let’s be real we all watch this show for one thing and it’s my son.

Digital Quality

Oh gods they’re at another 90′s-Themed flea market. Well if nothign else it explains the familiar music that was playing over the opening credits.

‘The CD Underbelly’. Yep, this the 90s (seriously, I think I went to that store when I was 6)

Ben’s surprise at learning there was a ‘before the internet’.

Oh gods using previous Max designs for the flashbacks! Okay, yeah, that’s clever, that I applaud!

Max: Give cds a chance Ben & Gwen: The world upgraded for a reason damnit

Poor Max looks so sad to see them abandon him and his cds

The playing at being polite is the most familiar familial interaction I’ve seen out of these two all season.

My son! Who appears to be dead on his rollerblades.. Kevin, dearheart, are you alive?

Gwen, in the background: *appears concerned* Ben, in the middle ground: *is displeased* Kevin, in the foreground: *blearily returning to life*

No, wait, scratch that

He’s polite when he’s dead to the world, who knew

Ben: “This can’t be Kevin, his manners are even better than mine.” Gwen: “You’re right, must be some other guy with bad hair.”

Everybody is here to roast my son

Wait, wait, he’s alive enough to recognize he’s being spoken about!

Gwen, concerned. Ben, certain Kevin is faking fucking faceplanting out of exhaustion. Or he’s been hypnotized. Or he’s trying to distract them from somebody else. Basically he has forgotten the lesson of Four By Four and Vin Diagram, which was ‘yes, Kevin is capable of being places and doing things that do not have anything to do with evil’.

Ya know I’m sure people are expecting me to be more concerned, but as of right now this is just confirming what I suspected as a result of watching UA and that is that no Kevin sleeps.

Not that this is healthy, it’s probably the result of a fucking puff pastry’s worth of layers of trauma, but still. It’s sort’ve expected of Kevins, at least by me.

He tries to talk to Ben, calls him ‘Benny’ and ‘buddy’ and such, and then just falls asleep in place.

My child snores. Also fucking jolted awake and immediately looked around, presumably to re-ascertain where he was (or to make sure there’s no threats, but let’s be nice today) which really doesn’t help the pastry of trauma theory.

Yeah, this boy needs some fucking sleep. Hopefully this cd he’s looking for will help, but if it doesn’t honestly medical intervention might be called for at this point.

Ben does not believe Kevin could be looking for a normal cd. It must be a special evil cd of some sort.

...Max put out a cd titled ‘Audiobook For World Domination’. Which I will admit is a rocking title for an album

Ben, so offended at the idea he and Kevin might be bonding over cds that he throws his grandpa’s in a fit of rage.

Oh look, it’s Decibel. Hi. If you don’t mind keeping the volume down today, we’re trying to get Kevin some sleep.

Ben, convinced Lord Decibel and Kevin are working together. Lord Decibel insists he is a solo artist.

Meanwhile Kevin isn’t here enough to even take notice of the fight

Decibel, offended Ben is paying too much attention to Kevin’s complete lack of getting involved despite Ben’s surety this must be a team-up to appreciate his work.

The man has built a wall of solid sound

Okay, everybody who’s surprised he used it to seal in everybody in the area raise your hand or closest equivalent

Well, at least Decibel appreciates a good cd

And Max agrees with him

Ah, so Decibel’s new tech can make people dance to music, nice.

Watch it not work on Kevin just because he doesn’t have that sort’ve energy right now

Ah, he can make people dance to their own preferred genre with their own preferred genre.

Even works on dogs.”Humans can’t hear it, but it’s very catchy.”

Is gonna hold people to ransom with the power of the boogie

Ben pls do not challenge the supervillain while you are timed out

Well thank fuck, he hasn’t figured out how to make it work on kids yet. He’s working on it.

And now Ben is convinced that Kevin is finding the cd that will make children dance for Decibel

Whatever cd it is, he’s found it. Good on him. (Listen, even if Ben turns out to be right, if it’ll make my boy happy then I will allow it. I will allow the burning of the world at this point if it makes Kevin happy.)

He looks so happy in the quarter second before Shockrock divetackles him

And Ben’s surety convinces Decibel that it’s what he’s looking for so now he wants it, good job Tennyson

Kevin almost got away with his prize, but no, there’s a wall there that he forgot about

He keeps calling Ben buddy and honestly if that’s not the surest sign of how he really feels about the boy at this point (I’m so sorry Ben, he’s just a emotionally stunted disaster with no one and nothing and a desperate need for appreciation)

Somebody find this boy a bed and some warm milk, please

Kevin, asking if they can skip the part where they fight and just help each other out. Ben, confused as to why the fuck he’s acting so weird like he didn’t fall asleep on his feet in front of him like five minutes ago

Ben tries to destroy the cd, Kevin decides combat is just gonna have to happen

Three people fighting over a cd, one because he thinks destroying it will protect the world, one because he thinks it’ll grant him power, and one for personal reasons

I love my son. I really do. I’m fucking dying over here

Max has gone on ‘destroy Decebil’s cd collection’ duty and Gwen on ‘get the cd from these morons’ duty

Ben finally asks what the fuck Kevin’s deal is.

The deal, is that my boy hasn’t slept in six days. I’d be surprised but honestly if you’d told me he’d only slept one night in his life I probably would’ve believed you. And with all the shit that’s been going on in his life lately? Yeah, not all that shocking he’s having trouble sleeping. And the fact he managed to almost fall asleep a couple times already this episode? Does not make it better. Really just makes it more likely it’s less general insomnia and more the pastry of trauma.

“I team up with peoples, but him? Don’t know him, don’t care. What I do know, is I’m not functional enough to walk around. Why do you think I’m wearing this [helmet, rollerblades] again? I just need that cd to help me sleep.” My poor baby.

Ben apologizes for not listening earlier. He’s a good boy.

Ben openly and actively planning for the both of them, under the rightful assumption that if Kevin’s too tired to walk he’s probably too tired to form a proper plan or ascertain what someone else’s plan is enough to work with it. Right down to picking Bashmouth for him because Kevin just cannot brain.

Oh gods Slapback can’t reach the omnitrix symbol to start armored mode. Bashmouth has to do it form him mid-transformation sequence

And even as Bashmouth Kevin is too damn tired to be much good

Oh

Oh

Oh my baby

Decibel got and is playing the cd and-

It is literally a cd recording of... fatherliness. I don’t know how else to describe it, it’s things dads say when their kids are helping them with projects- including such classics of ‘can you hand me that wrench’ and ‘I’m proud of you’. My fucking son!! This, this specifically is what my child needed to fall asleep! Fucking dad-based ASMR! I am in tears! How could they do this to me!

Bring Kwarrel the fuck in I’m begging you!!

Good news, at least, Decibel can’t use it for evil and Kevin is finally sleeping

And Ben saves the day

Ben’s presence is enough to get cops to show up and wait at this point

Huh, Decibel can’t see without his visor

11/11 let my child live

[chibimyumi]

Hi Myumi chan, I adore your analysis! I'd like to know more about Japanese fandom if possible. Like you said, language shapes our thought, maybe you guys understand better the intention of author thanks to the same culture. For example, which character do you think tends to be the strongest till now? I used to think yana deliberately makes Sebastian stronger than others cause he's the main character and a supernatural. But now I notice that he might be less intelligent than Undertaker...

Hi Anon-san/dono/sama/chin/han/kun/tan/rin (okay okay sorry, I just didn’t know how to address you), thank you for your sweet words! 💖

I wouldn’t say Japanese speakers necessarily understand Kuroshitsuji better, as the story is not based on Japanese culture. It is merely that nuances might be missed. The only times that the non-Japanese audience had a very clear disadvantage were caused by translation error, e.g. Grell’s gender, Frances referring to Lizzie who would protect O!Ciel (not the way around) in the Campania arc, and the translation error in the earliest chapters that made definite alluding towards O!Ciel being an only child.

Strongest Character

As for who the strongest character is; I would say it is Undertaker (for now), who managed to almost effortlessly injure Sebastian fatally. I don’t think this is interpretation based, however; when the scythe hit Sebastian, he basically screamed the same “f*ck my life” in every language version.

Brute Force vs Strategy

I would not necessarily say that Sebastian is less intelligent than Undertaker. We don’t really know actually.

Yes, as canonically stated, Sebastian is a muscle brain; this however does not mean he is not hyper-intelligent per se. It only means that Sebastian tends to opt for brute strength before he approaches something purely based on intellect/strategy.

Sebas is an incredibly strong demon and very full of himself. I don’t think he has had much experience with not being able to solve a problem with brute force in the human world. And in the manga, he had not run into many occasions where he needed to crack his brain too much, until he ran into Undertaker.

We can see in chapter 102 how Sebastian went straight at the tank without much thinking, and seemed rather surprised that his demon-kick Was Not Very Effective™! Only after his brute-force-attack didn’t seem to do the job, did Sebas realise he might have to approach this problem with a bit more brain.

In this post I wrote about how I think Sebas might have severely underestimated Undertaker the first time he engaged him in battle. Sebas had experience with fighting reapers before; first time against Grell, and the second time a “sparring-match” with Ronald. Both had been more or less successful, and as Sebas had apparently never encountered reapers (on Earth) in his life, Grell and Ronald might have been his only reference to the strength of reapers as a species. It is no surprise then that he might have expected Undertaker to be approximately the same level.

Until the Campania arc, Sebas did not even realise Undertaker was a reaper, let alone an overpowered maniac.Unlike Sebas however, Undertaker did have some estimate of his enemy, and he was therefore prepared.

I was talking with @akumadeshitsumon, and they kindly pointed out to me that Sebas had two other major disadvantages, namely that 1. Sebas was obliged to take Undertaker alive, which left him with only so many options he is normally used to, and 2. He had to do so while protecting a fragile human being.

Intellect

The latest check played against O!Ciel and Sebastian was a brilliant move indeed; it is probable that Undertaker was the mastermind behind these moves, but we are not sure whether he came up with all of this himself. R!Ciel has been established as a genius himself as well, and we know that he has been awake for just long enough to help plotting the big move.

In contrast to Undertaker, Sebastian is not a full authority of his own; he is his master’s pawn and sword. He functions more or less like a shadow king; he can manipulate his master, but he cannot make any decisive moves on his own, unlike Undertaker. Additionally, so far in the manga, Sebas and O!Ciel were never given the chance to causally sit at the drawing table and plot their moves. They have both been forced to act on the spot, unlike Undertaker who might have had years to carefully plan his moves.

Until Sebas is given a chance to be more than a pawn and plan the strategies himself, we will not be able to objectively see who the more intelligent person is.

[a-splash-of-stucky]

By Morning Light | iv

Pairings: Bucky x Steve x Reader (though technically no Steve in this part)

Summary: Steve leaves for a mission and Bucky doesn’t handle it too well. It’s up to you to take care of him

Warnings: Nightmares, minor angst, Sad!Bucky. Unprotected sex (wrap it up, kids!), vaginal sex, nipple appreciation (sounds weird, but it’s nothing too kinky). Mention of suicide bombings in passing.  

Word Count: 4.1k

Notes: IT’S HERE!! After many, many long months, it’s here. I got my act together and made myself write this chapter and actually? It’s not what I thought it was gonna be, but I’m still happy with it. Enjoy!

I recognise that the general plot of this story is a bit like some nights (i stay up) and that parts of the description are similar to Steve “Fight Me” Rogers… but I swear I wasn’t trying to copy my own fics, haha.

Series Masterlist | My Masterlist | Wanna be on the taglist? See here

~ even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise ~

Though you hate it when both Steve and Bucky have to go on a mission, life is a lot more miserable when only one of them has to leave.

When you’re left on your own, you only have yourself to manage. You’ve taught yourself how to cope with their absence — or, well. Perhaps more accurately, you’ve taught yourself how to get through each day. After being in a relationship with them for so long, you’ve developed a routine, and you know what you need to do to distract yourself from the matter at hand. Yes, it’s difficult, but at least you only have yourself to worry about.

If one of the boys is at home with you, your routine has a tendency to go belly-up.

Steve’s not so bad.

Being left with Steve is akin to being left alone with a very big, very mopey puppy. He follows you around everywhere, and needs to be touched constantly — though he’ll never admit it.

There’s a restlessness about him. He reminds you of a caged bird, aching to be freed. He’ll flit from room to room like a ghost that has lost its way.

When it comes to Steve, the best thing to do is to keep him busy. You take him out for walks (further lending support to the fact that he basically turns into a big puppy) and bring him to any and every exhibition that might be on. That’s how you ended up forking out sixty bucks each to visit a science exhibition about fungi, that one time.

Steve has a hard time sleeping when Bucky’s away, which means that you need to drive his body to the point of exhaustion before you can get him to shut his eyes for anything longer than a ten-minute power nap. You need to push his body to a stage where it physically cannot function without sleep. There are a number of ways of doing this, but you’ve found that marathon sex and super-intense workouts tend to be the most effective methods.

So, if anyone on the team is around, you hand Steve off to that person, with clear instructions for them to tire him out. If it’s Thor, he and Steve will engage in a game of lightning-frisbee that affects the weather across the whole of New York. Natasha will spar with him until she’s got bruises and minor cuts decorating her sides, whilst Sam will do laps with him around some park or other. Or rather, Steve does laps around a park, and Sam whizzes beside him on his motorised scooter.

With Bucky, your life gets a little bit more complicated.

Where Steve might be likened to a needy puppy, you would perhaps describe Bucky as a feral street cat.

The thing with Bucky is that he becomes more unpredictable. One minute, he could be crawling into your lap like a kitten who needs cuddles and attention, but the next minute, he could be holding you at knife point. You can never tell what he’s going to do next.

Life without Steve is mentally and emotionally draining, both for you and for Bucky.

He reverts back to the behaviour that he exhibited when he first started to break his HYDRA programming. Though you weren’t there during that period of his life, you’ve pieced together the details based on what Steve has told you and from the information that you’ve gleaned from reading Bucky’s files. The anxiety, the nightmares, the meek subservience; they all come rushing back at full force.

You’re not sure why Bucky does this. You think that maybe, it’s because he feels more secure whenever Steve is around. There’s always someone there to watch his back, so he feels comfortable enough to let his guard down. Without Steve, even the smallest thud can set him off; he’s on a hair-pin trigger, constantly on high-alert.

Besides the semi-hostile demeanour, he also gets fiercely protective of you. He’s always making sure that you stay well away from any sightlines and is constantly watching you from the shadows, protecting you from...who knows what. You indulge him in his requests, though it does get annoying when he insists that you use the bathroom with the door left slightly ajar.

Whereas Steve never wants to be left alone, Bucky never leaves you alone. He always ensures that you are within his field of vision, even if your attention is not necessarily on him. There’s an overstuffed armchair in the corner of your home office that Bucky likes to sit in when he’s exhibiting this abnormal behaviour. He watches over you like a solitary hawk.

Bucky can’t leave the house when he gets like this. For starters, it’s nearly impossible to coax him into coming out with you. More importantly, that fearsome protectiveness renders him a potential threat to the public. He sticks close to your side and bares his teeth at anyone who so much as looks at you funny. If anyone touches you, Bucky will let loose a threatening growl, like a guard dog. After one fateful incident which involved Bucky nearly decapitating a waiter at a restaurant, you’d made the executive decision to not let Bucky go out in public whenever Steve went away for a mission.

He doesn’t eat unless you tell him to. He will not rest until you order him to strip and get into bed. He becomes non-verbal, answering your questions with  — at most — two-word answers. It’s torture for you to see him like this, but you know that there’s nothing that you can do.

You don’t know why, exactly, he acts like this, but you think it has something to do with him feeling helpless.

Steve is perfectly capable of looking after himself — uh, most of the time, relatively speaking — when he’s away on missions, both of you know this. However, your theory is that there is some part of Bucky’s brain which believes that Steve is safest when Bucky is watching his six and therefore, if Bucky is not watching Steve’s six, Steve must be unsafe.

This time around, it’s Steve that’s gone.

Bucky is not handling his absence very well.

He left for Jakarta two days ago, and is due to return within the next three days. You’re not privy to the exact details of the mission, but you know that it has something to do with a string of recent suicide bombings in the area.

It’s been a rough couple of days for you both.

Today, you’d woken up with a metal hand wrapped around your throat, and things had gone downhill from there. The only real accomplishment you’ve had is that you managed to Bucky to eat some chicken and rice for dinner, which is basically the only proper meal he’s had the entire day. After dinner, you’d bundled him into bed and forced him cuddle with you.

You fall into a restless sleep sometime after ten. You’ve wrapped yourself around Bucky so that he can’t leave the bed. His back is pressed to your chest, your arm is slung over his torso and your cheek is resting on the back of his shoulder. He will never admit it, but he much prefers being the little spoon when he’s not having a great day.

Sometime during the night, your fitful sleep is broken by the sound of quiet whimpers.

You crack open one eye and squint at the world blearily, as your sleep-fogged brain struggles to make sense of the situation. It takes a second for reality to come into focus, but you soon register the fact that the body beside yours is trembling, violently enough for the vibrations to be felt across the entire mattress.

“No,” he’s saying, voice shaky and riddled with fear.  “Please—please, no, not her, please not her.”

Concern floods your system. It breaks your heart to seem him like this. You swallow and swipe your tongue over your lips to get that unpleasant, cottony dryness out of your mouth as you push yourself into a sitting position. A harsh scrub of the back of your hand over your eyes gets rid of the lingering cobwebs of sleep that cling to your mind. Feeling more alert, you cautiously scoot closer to Bucky.

Waking Bucky up from a nightmare is always a bit of a risky endeavour — usually, you leave the job to Steve, as his body is more capable of handling whatever Bucky might do to him. On the few occasions that you’ve tried, you’ve usually ended up either on the floor, or pinned to the bed with Bucky looming over you.

You take a deep breath to summon your courage.

“Bucky?” you say tentatively, as you gently shake his shoulder. “Bucky — sweetie, c’mon, it’s just a dream. Wake up.”

“No,” he moans, “No, no — no, please, don’t—”

“Bucky it’s not real, honey, wake up—”

“No!” he shouts hoarsely, like he’s suffering the worst anguish imaginable. “Please, you can’t—not her, please not her—”

“Bucky,” you say, more firmly this time, “Sweetheart, it’s just a nightmare. Wake up!”

He jolts awake with a heaving gasp, sitting upright so suddenly that he unbalances you, sending you toppling over. You yelp in surprise, landing on the mattress with a muffled oof. The sound of his ragged breathing fills the room.

You scramble to your knees and reach out to comfort him, but stop yourself before you actually make contact with his skin — you don’t know how your touch would be received.

He is backlit by the moonlight streaming in through the windows and his hair forms a dark, shaggy mane that falls around his face. His torso is bare and sweat glimmers on the planes of his chest, making him look like some ethereal being.

“Bucky?” you say cautiously, “Can I hold you?”

He nods tersely. “Please,” he says gruffly.

You knee-walk over to him and wrap your arms around his neck in a side-hug. Bucky, clearly not satisfied by that, grasps you by the waist and hoists you into his lap to hold you better. Before you can develop a cramp in your thigh, you arrange your limbs so that your ankles are crossed behind his back, and your arms are looped over his neck. You plaster yourself to his chest and press your foreheads together, giving him as many points of contact as possible.

“S’okay, Buck, I’m here — breathe with me, that’s it.”

With some encouragement, you manage to get Bucky to match your deep, even breaths. Slowly but surely, his raw, harsh pants slow down to something more controlled, less pained. With a final exhale, he slumps into you, tightening his grip around your waist as he presses his forehead to your shoulder.

“I thought I lost you,” he whispers, his warm breath tickling your skin. “I—I thought you were gone, and I couldn’t—I couldn’t get to you fast enough, and—”

You shush him, threading your fingers through his thick hair and pressing your fingertips into the base of his skull.

“I’m here,” you tell him, “I’m here, I’m right here, with you.”

Bucky presses his lips to your skin and all of a sudden, the air around you changes. It is as if the dust motes swirling around you have been charged with electricity.

He trails his lips over your skin, leaving hot, open-mouth kisses in a meandering path. They travel over your shoulder, past your collarbone, up your neck, over your jaw and finally, find their salvation against your lips. He kisses you fiercely, crushing your lips together like he is drowning man and you are the oxygen that will save him. Bucky clings to you like he’s afraid that he might be swept away by the dark, evil currents that swarm his mind, holding onto you like you’re his lifeline.

The situation is perhaps not the most conventional, but your body is nonetheless responding to Bucky’s touch. A rush of heat darts from your brain to your belly, settling into a pool of lust that is growing hotter by the minute. That same heat floods your cheeks and burns behind your chest. Your nipples tighten in anticipation underneath the thin fabric of your sleep shirt.

“I need you,” Bucky whispers brokenly, heatedly. His voice is like the whisper of a breeze, quiet enough that you have to strain your ears to hear it. “Please, please, I need you, I need—”

“Shh, I’m here,” you whisper, “Right here. You do what you need, sweetheart.”

In one smooth, seamless movement, Bucky flips you over so that you’re on your back. He hovers above you, a shadowy figure that dominates your senses. His long hair falls around you like a dark curtain, partitioning you from the rest of the world, cocooning you in this safe haven. Your legs are wrapped around his waist and slowly, your drag your calves up and down the back of his thigh, urging him to do as he pleases.

Bucky peppers hot kisses over your jaw and down your neck, pausing briefly to close his teeth over your pulse point. You gasp, throwing your head back and baring your throat. He rumbles appreciatively, worrying the skin of your neck between his teeth.

“You’re gonna leave a mark,” you say breathily, a hint of a laugh tinging your sentence.

“Good,” he replies, voice rough. “You’re mine.”

You swallow, touched by those two simple words. “Always,” you promise, squeezing his hips with your knees.

He growls possessively, which prompts you to press your hand over your mouth to stifle an irrational giggle. He sounds like a goddamn caveman. Your laughter morphs into a moan as he pulls aside the collar of your shirt and teases his lips over your collarbone, focusing on the spot that makes your curl.

“Bucky,” you groan, biting your lip to hold back a whine.

His fingers are trailing up your sides  — one smooth and cool, the other callused and warm. He’s rucking up your sleep shirt as he goes, leaving the material bunched under your breasts as he slithers down your body. Bucky plants open-mouthed, reverent kisses over your belly, stopping to leave gentle nips wherever he pleases. His stubble scratches your skin, making you shiver in arousal.

“Off,” he says, flicking at the hem of your shirt impatiently.

Hastily, you pull the garment over your head, tossing it to some irrelevant place in the darkness. In an instant, Bucky’s fingers are cupping and squeezing your breasts, savouring the feel and weight of them in his palms. You gasp aloud when his thumbs brush over your stiffened nipples.

“Please,” you whisper, though you’re not quite sure what you’re asking for.

A cry of pleasure leaves your throat as Bucky’s lips close around your left nipple, engulfing it in sudden heat. A spike of want flares in your belly, making you shift your hips restlessly. Your fingers scrabble for purchase in the sheets as he flicks his tongue over your sensitive flesh. Bucky alternates between teasing the hard nub with his tongue and gently scraping over it with his teeth.

He releases your nipple from his lips and shifts to give the same treatment to the other one. The man likes his symmetry, so this doesn’t surprise you in the slightest. Bucky switches back and forth between your breasts, taking care to give each one the same level of attention.

His touches eventually lose some of their frenzied intensity, mellowing down to something more lethargic, languid. Bucky allows his weight to settle more heavily on top of you, and rests his chin on your chest. When he takes your nipple between his lips, an expression of contentment settles over his features; you can practically feel the tension bleeding out of his muscles with every second that ticks past.

You leave him be. He’s behaved this way in the past, and if nursing on your breasts seems to bring him some element of comfort, who are you to deny him this small act? You card your fingers through his hair and gently massage his scalp, relishing the pleased moan that rumbles out of his chest.

Whether he realises it or not, the hard line of Bucky’s cock is pressing into your thigh. He’s grinding against you lazily, his movements so small that you don’t think he’s even aware of what he’s doing.

Carefully, so that you don’t accidentally dislodge his mouth, you reach between your bodies until your fingers come into contact with the waistband of his sweats. It’s a bit of a stretch, but you manage to push them down, halfway over his ass, low enough for your fingers to graze the top of his leaking dick.

Bucky jerks in surprise when you palm the head, releasing a shaky moan that is muffled against your skin. His breath skitters over your collarbone.

“Look at you, honey, being so good for me,” you croon softly, tucking a strand of hair over his ear. “You’re hard, Buck — you wanna take care of that? You wanna get inside me?”

He moans in affirmation. You smile benevolently as you continue to stroke his hair.

“C’mon then, get these off,” you say, snapping the elastic.

With great reluctance, he pulls his mouth off your breast to do as he’s been instructed. You take the opportunity to shimmy your shorts and panties down your legs. They too are discarded to some distant corner of the room.

Bucky crawls back on top of you, taking his weight on his forearms, which are planted on either side of your head. You wrap your arms around his shoulders and hook your legs over his waist, pulling him close. He bumps his nose against your chin, tipping your face upwards, so that he can capture your lips in an impassioned kiss.

You moan into his mouth when the head of his cock drags over your folds, sending tingles of arousal dancing through your system. Without breaking the kiss, you wiggle your hand between your bodies and grasp his cock, guiding it to your waiting entrance.

“Sweetheart,” Bucky breathes, his lips brushing against yours.

“Inside, Barnes, c’mon,” you reply.

He slides his hips forward, sinking his cock into your warmth and wetness. You gasp as he penetrates you, arching your back reflexively. Bucky groans, dropping his head and resting his temple against your shoulder. Each of his breaths sends a gust of warm air blowing over your neck. He is still, giving you time to adjust.

When you feel like you’re ready, you urge him on with a word of encouragement and a nudge of your foot. Gradually, he works his entire length into your body, spearing you open in that most wondrous way. His cock is just perfect, filling that emptiness inside you right to the brim. There’s just enough of him for you to feel that pleasurable stretch, but not too much that you’re uncomfortable.

“You feel so good,” you whisper, as you trail your fingers up and down his spine.

Bucky hums, turning his head to mouth wetly at your collarbone. “You too,” he murmurs.

He captures your lips with his own as his hips begin to move in earnest. His movements are slow and unhurried, as neither of you are in a rush to find completion. He rests his weight on top of you, blanketing you with his body, a physical shield against the outside world. This feels right; chest to chest, hip to hip, not even a breath of air between you.

Bucky rocks into you slowly, using miniscule movements of his hips, barely pulling out before he’s sliding back into your core. Your lips find his in the darkness and he latches on, greedily swallowing your sounds of pleasure like they are his ambrosia.

You hook your legs over his waist and cross your ankles at the small of his back, pulling him closer. Though you dig your heels into the top of his ass to spur him on, he continues at the leisurely pace that he’s set.

No words are spoken into the quiet of the night, yet every movement speaks volumes in its own right. Every surge of his hips, every brush of his lips, every caress of his fingers — each touch professes his love for you. Bucky tells you how much he needs you without a single word passing his lips, and you do the same.

You close your eyes and allow yourself to get lost in the moment. You focus on the roughness of his stubble against your neck, the warmth of his breath over your cheek, the drag of his chest over your nipples, the sparks of pleasure burning between your legs. His cock is brushing against all the sweet spots inside of you, the ones that make your head spin and your thighs tremble. The numerous, complex layers of pleasure sweep you away in their current; you feel like you’re weightless, floating on a cloud.

At some point, animal instincts start to take over. Love-making turns to passionate fucking, and Bucky’s rhythm quickens, his hips snapping forward more vigorously. He widens his knees and anchors them into the bed, giving himself more leverage to thrust. You cry out exultantly as your pleasure soars to new heights, fisting your hands in the sheets above your head.

Bucky slides his palms up your arms, until his hands find yours in the rumpled sheets. He laces your fingers together, pressing your hands into the mattress as he fucks into you.

“You’re so good,” he whispers, “So—god, so good, I love you.”

“I love you too,” you gasp, “Fuck, Bucky — Bucky.”

“Yeah, that’s it, sweetheart,” he grits out, as his hips drive forward again and again. Your mouth opens on a silent scream as he nails that spot relentlessly, the one that has you screwing your eyes shut so tightly, you’re seeing stars dancing behind your lips.

He’s saying your name under his breath like a prayer, oftentimes praising you and cursing you in the same breath.

“I love you,” he pants, “I love you — please, stay, don’t go—”

“M���not going anywhere,” you promise breathlessly, “I’m right here, Bucky. I love you so much.”

Your orgasm, when it comes, takes you by surprise. It washes over you like a crashing wave, unrelenting in its intensity. It is powerful enough to have you crying out in ecstasy. You dig your nails into the backs of Bucky’s hands as your back arches of its own accord. Your pulse is roaring in your ears and your lungs have seized up; you’re unable to catch your breath. Your climax seems to last forever.

When you come back to your senses, you realise that Bucky is still hard inside of you, still thrusting his cock into your warmth, though his movements are beginning to falter.

“So beautiful,” he praises, as he mouths at your throat. “So goddamn beautiful.”

You’re loose-limbed and pliant, satiated by your release. A pleasant buzz has settled into your bones, and there is a contented smile on your lips. Your limbs are heavy and uncoordinated, but you manage to hook your arms around Bucky’s shoulders and dig your heels into his back more insistently.

“C’mon, Buck,” you breathe, “Come inside me.”

“Fuck,” he swears.

“Mm, you like that? You wanna fill me up? Make me yours?”

“Sweetheart,” Bucky moans, cock driving into you with renewed urgency. “Baby — baby, oh, m’close, I—I’m gonna—”

“Come for me,” you whisper.

There are many beautiful things in this world and among them is the sight of Bucky Barnes when he comes. He is quite the vision.

All the muscles in his body stiffen, save for those kiss-bitten lips, which go slack with pleasure. He thrusts into you one final time, burying his cock as deep inside you as physically possible. You shiver as his warmth spills into your channel, his cock spurting out hot, sticky ribbons of come. He is quiet, save for a single, bitten-back moan.

You roam your hands over his sweaty back, petting him gently as he rides out his climax. When it is over, he is careful to collapse half on you, and half on the bed, so that you’re not crushed under his weight. His softened, spent cock slips out of your pussy, and you whine in disapproval. You hate that feeling.

Blindly, Bucky fumbles around for his discarded sweats, and uses them to clumsily wipe his cock as well as the mess between your legs. He balls the soiled garment in his hand and tosses it onto the floor, to be dealt with in the morning.

The darkness has just started to give way to shades of pink and orange when Bucky rolls over onto his back and pulls you closer. A new dawn brings with it a fresh start and new challenges, but for now, you pillow your cheek on Bucky’s chest and let your heavy eyelids slide shut as sleep pulls you under.

[maimuincoming]

Life being an INSOMNIAC

Insomnia- known as a kind of sleeping disorder where a person finds difficulty to sleep. Okay. . I cannot deny I have it and will be sharing my best and worst feelings of BEING AN INSOMNIAC. Hope my mates will get to know more about it. Here, I’ll be sharing some of my experiences, how I work out with it and things how you can also manage to live with it by enjoying it. Because, honestly, this is not anybody’s fault or anything relating to that.

Different people have different minds and lifestyles and it is absolutely fine if you do not sleep AT ALL. Not everybody has the same old routines in their lives.

A harsh truth can be said what my doctor had said to me, “My girl, insomnia cannot be cured and you should stop fighting with it.”

The genre of my Insomnia My insomnia got found after I was having anemia in frequent rows. It started since I was nine-year-old, when my parents and brother got to see that I do not sleep at all. Mommy told my doctor about it and later I was prescribed sleeping pills a lot as I needed some sleep. Day by day, years by years, more and more powerful doses have been prescribed and it was just the same.

I remember when mommy told baba (father) to make me sleep and after several TAP-TAP on my head, he fell asleep by putting his hand on my face for the night. I was lying with it for the whole night as I was a tiny one and failed to set it in place.

As I was growing up, I could relate myself to a ZOMBIE, difference is, they have the hunger for human brains and I’m for SLEEP. I started to realize that I could get a proper sleep twice or thrice in a year. And every time I slept, I felt dizzy.

I cannot deny the part that I did not get sad or had mood-swings at all. Insomnia has led me to severe depression after expressing myself to other closed ones. I used to get knocked at 4 o’clock, saying: “YOU ARE STILL AWAKE? HAVE YOU HAD SOMETHING?” These were pretty harsh situations which I have been through, especially to a thin insomniac who has eating disorder like me.

How did I work it out? I started switching things like, NOT USING my phone or playing games after 10pm, have proper meals in time, switched off vibration on my phone, lie on bed at the same time on a regular basis, work out before going to bed, meditate, take hot water shower before going to bed etc a huge list of HOW NOT TO BE AWAKE ANYMORE method.

As a workaholic, I got to realize my days do not seem the same. Therefore, I started to have 10-20 minute power nap at 10pm and in breaks of my work and also started to have eating disorder. Even, I started to get depressed sometimes for not sleeping whereas everyone is sleeping in my house.

As this SLEEPING is a quite rare case for me, I did not lose hopes but to work it out. Therefore, I also got to find some good parts of being INSOMNIAC too!

First, as I do not sleep at all, I do make my work done ASAP, whether it’s about work or study. And for this, it does not seem hard for me to stay awake till late night. Second, I started to pamper myself as much as I can, so that I do feel that I did not stop loving myself. Third, I get more time for reading books and take care of my family as I do have old parents. Fourth, I started to work out as I hardly get some time in the morning. Last but not the least, after learning how to work out with it, I started to have a daily organized routine as I get more time to work without any hesitation.

Either I have a shot or two of espresso or I grab a mug of green tea without sugar to energize and get rid of my dizziness which is caused for not sleeping. But I stopped forcing myself to sleep or not to sleep. An easy thing what I do is, giving several alarms without having a vibration or creepy ringtones.

Free advice At first, even I too started to listen other people’s words and freak out, thinking “maybe I’ll get a stroke or this is not normal”, but this is not true. Every human brain is functioned differently and works differently. As the author of Insomniac, Gayle Greene said, “Sleep is the FUEL OF LIFE” "It's nourishing; it's restorative. And when you are deprived of it, you are really deprived of a basic kind of sustenance." So, you can work with it by taming it down as it is hard to cop-up with it. Never ever count yourself down for being an insomniac as it will trigger more and more. It can be cured through a routinized lifestyle.

[writesandramblings]

Secret’s End - Chapter 3

“Don’t Sit Down”

Table of Contents

<< Ch. 2 -  A Measured Response Ch. 4 - The Certainty of Small Things >>

A/N: So, it is surprisingly hard to craft an alien parable out of thin air! I managed it in the end.

Also, am in Birmingham this weekend for Destination Star Trek. Feel free to drop me a line if you are as well!

The scientific inquest continued all through the night. “Are you not tired?” asked Saru when the hour began to grow late and his duty shift had long since ended. They were sitting at the dining table in the guest room, the taller chairs slightly more comfortable for Saru than the softer couch and armchair on the other side of the room, while Lalana perched atop the table with her appendages tucked beneath her body.

“I do not require sleep,” she said. “But if you are tired, then by all means, Lieutenant Saru, I will wait for you to rest.”

“Kelpiens do not require as much sleep as most other species. I was merely concerned that you might.”

“No. My cortex system requires rest occasionally, but I can cycle through resting portions of it, and of course I am always awake on the cellular level.”

That was one of the many amazing things Saru had been able to examine more thoroughly in the inquest. Lalana was not possessed of a single mind, but in a sense, had one plus a trillion. Her species was the result of symbiotic evolution between a colony of cells and a primitive multicellular organism. Her eyes, brain stem, skeletal structure, and tongue were all derived from the organism, but the cell colony had replaced every other tissue and was essentially controlling the organism’s structural remains like the Ophiocordyceps unilateralis fungus did in certain species of Earth ants. It was an inverse of the typical model of life in the known universe, where a centralized brain controlled the rest of an organism. Here, the rest of the organism controlled the “brain.” Her cortex structure was less a true center of cognitive function and more a switchboard for the rest of her.

“Is it possible for individual cells to disagree?” Saru wondered.

“Why would we?” asked Lalana. Further forays into this line of questioning revealed that the idea was as inconceivable to her as the concept of a lului disease. “My cells chose to be me.”

There were also several questions from Dr. Channick and her staff as to the particular physical characteristics of Lalana’s biology. “Your cells change color, can they also change physical configuration?”

“Not entirely. My cells are locked together permanently. If one becomes disconnected, it immediately degrades.” She demonstrated this for Saru, letting a single tendril of her “fur” fall from her tail. It fell to the table and writhed faintly as it dissolved into a thin line of oily residue that seemed to evaporate into the air before Saru’s eyes.

It also turned out Lalana was being entirely literal where the length of her captivity relative her age was concerned.

“A cycle is not the length of time it takes Luluan to orbit Luluanilem,” she informed him when he asked about the concept in more detail. Luluanilem was the name of the lului star system—while language was not a primary focus of Saru’s inquest, he was learning a great deal about it as they spoke. Essentially, the lului language was composed of complex layers of modifiers. Lu was the name for the cellular species, lulu was a group of cells coupled with a symbiotic structure into a discrete microcellular organism, lului was an adjective or possessive used for the collective species, while Luluan meant lulu-planet and Luluanilem was lulu-planet-star. “Luluan’s orbit is not so long. It would be very tedious to use it as a... calendar unit.” The concept of a calendar was foreign to Lalana’s species, but she understood it well enough from living with the Dartarans. “We measure time by a lulala.”

“A... lulala?” They were also filling in translator gaps as they went.

“A streaming white space object which orbits our star.”

A comet. Their version of a year was a comet cycle, and when Saru ran the calculations based on the length of the day on the moon where the Dartaran couple lived and Lalana’s assurance that she understood the difference in day length between that moon and her homeworld within a reasonable degree of accuracy, he ended up with an estimated cycle length of one hundred and twenty-five years.

The current cycle had been more than three-quarters of the way through when Lalana was taken from Luluan, making her more than nine hundred years old. Suddenly the idea that six years of captivity was unremarkable made complete sense.

It also meant the mysterious planetary invaders, the Hla-pu, had come to Luluan some five hundred years ago. Saru found himself listening to an unintended aside into this history when he asked another of Dr. Channick’s questions on the subject of lului and disease.

“It is not correct to say my cells are universally resistant, certainly there are things which can kill me. The Hla-pu employed a biological agent against my people in one of their many attempts to colonize our planet. I was aboveground when they deployed it. It moved through the air, a cloud of purple smoke that stripped the leaves from the trees. I made it into the water before the smoke could reach me, but Lumlala was not so lucky. Half his body was consumed by the smoke. It melted away his cells and left only his skeletal system on one side.” Her hands knocked together in clear distress at this memory but stilled as she concluded, “We were able to salvage what remained of him and, not long after, the Hla-pu left.”

For all the atrocity of being hunted, Saru could scarcely imagine the horror of what Lalana was describing. He sat there in shocked silence.

The door chimed. It was Georgiou. Saru rose unsteadily to his feet. “Have you been here all night?” Georgiou asked, mistaking the unsteadiness for fatigue.

“I...” For once, Saru’s inability to answer had nothing to do with his usual nerves. Not that Georgiou could tell.

“This is why I do not keep important information on the cells on my surface,” Lalana continued as if Georgiou had not entered. “Do you know, when the hunters take trophies like our skulls, they think those trophies are us, but they are not us, they are the framework upon which we sit!” Her tongue clicked, likely because this practice reminded her of the horrible fate of Lumlala.

“Am I interrupting?” asked Georgiou.

“Of course,” said Lalana. “What have you come to say?”

Georgiou managed not to take offense at Lalana’s insubordinate disregard for the rank of captain. She was, after all, dealing with a more primitive species then the average spacefarer. “It would seem Beldehen Venel has escaped. We are working to secure a connection to your homeworld and your people, but at present I cannot guarantee our success in these endeavors.”

“Is that so?” said Lalana, spinning her hands. Saru had his back to her and did not notice the motion. He would have been very confused if he had. Over the course of their conversation, he had gotten the impression that spinning hands were a sign of happiness.

“We will continue to investigate. Until more is known, we will escort you to a Federation starbase. The authorities there will provide you with further assistance.”

The hand-spinning ceased. “A star-base? What is a star-base?”

“A structure in space,” supplied Saru. “A point from which starships travel and resupply.”

“Nn, that is interesting,” said Lalana, pressing her hands together and staring down at the floor in apparent thought.

Georgiou shifted her attention back to Saru. “Am I to expect you at your station on the bridge when your shift begins, lieutenant?”

“Of course, captain.” There were still two hours before his shift began, which was sufficient time for a change of uniform and even a brief nap if he decided to forego any more questions.

Georgiou’s eye narrowed ever-so-slightly in judgment. She would be doubly attentive for any lapses in Saru’s performance today in light of his overnight engagement. “I look forward to it,” said Georgiou with a note of challenge. She moved to the door and hesitated, looking back at Lalana. “You should know that a table is not considered an appropriate place to sit.”

“Oh, yes, I am well aware,” said Lalana, clicking her tongue twice.

The audacity of that did not sit well with Georgiou. “Saru, please instruct Lalana in basic social protocols before we arrive at Starbase 55. I would hate for there to be any further misunderstandings or mistakes. You may not find all species are forgiving of social impropriety.”

“Yes, captain,” promised Saru, pressing his hands together and bowing slightly in deference as the door slid shut.

“How presumptuous of Captain Georgiou to assume I have made any mistakes whatsoever,” said Lalana as she moved from the table to the chair.

Saru stood there with the sinking feeling that his involvement in this situation had not endeared him in any way to his captain. Sadly, his ganglia were in agreement.

The investigation was officially at a standstill. Unable to provide any further material benefit, Margeh and T’rond’n were instructed to return home aboard their remaining personal transport. Margeh’s final request for the Shenzhou to drop them off fell upon deaf ears. Though Georgiou now found Margeh significantly more endearing after entertaining her and her husband for dinner the previous evening, the Shenzhou was a Federation exploratory vessel and the pirate hunting mission was already well beneath its regard. To perform not one but two civilian transports on top of this would be rubbing salt in the wound.

Curiously, the Dartarans expressed a desire to bid farewell to Lalana. Georgiou had Saru escort the lului to the shuttlebay. She arrived as cheerfully irreverent as ever, bounding across the bay with a pair of leaps long enough that even Saru would have had trouble replicating the distance had he been inclined to display that level of informality while on duty. She came to an abrupt stop between Georgiou, T’Vora, and the Dartarans. The extra joint in her legs made the motion seem entirely effortless.

“I had a very interesting time on your estate,” was Lalana’s greeting. “I learned so very many things about trade and business from watching you work.”

The spiky ridges along Margeh’s jaw visibly tightened. “You...”

“I also learned so many things about ‘confidence,’ a word which has two meanings in the human language. One of them is self-assurance and the other is secrecy.” (Absent Saru for the past few hours, Lalana had been engaged with a communications officer, Paxton, in a linguistic survey both were finding entirely fruitful.) “Confidence in hand and head equally. Which into which, I wonder? Water or sand?”

T’rond’n seemed to shrink slightly, looking at Margeh for some sort of sign. The female Dartaran opened her mouth faintly, the spikes of her teeth showing in a way that felt strangely non-threatening—this was a Dartaran display of humility. “You know the lesson of Karletin?”

“As well as you,” said Lalana.

Of the three Starfleet officers in observation, only T’Vora recognized what Lalana and the Dartarans were discussing because she alone had taken the time to parse the Dartaran cultural archives to the level of detail required to catch the reference. D’rannur was a mythic philosopher (analogous to the father of Vulcan logic, Surak) who originated a Dartaran philosophy called the Head and the Hand. In this philosophy, male Dartarans were tasked with commerce, production, logistics, and trade, while females dominated sciences, culture, and spirituality. It was a primitive binary gender philosophy that espoused female intelligence and male efficiency as two components required in balance for a functional society. Unlike many other such primitive philosophies in various bi-gendered species across the galaxy, the Dartaran version persisted and defined their society to this day.

The tale of Karletin was found in the D’rannic Codices—a supplemental set of texts describing D’rannur’s life and offering largely anecdotal parables of dubious historical accuracy. Karletin was a brother of D’rannur’s mate who violated the sanctity of the homestead by selling original notes and writings to finance a business venture. When D’rannur discovered what had happened, she sabotaged Karletin’s business by mixing water into his sand pits and turning them to mud. The moral was that, like sand and water, the Head and the Hand ought to remain separate, and that betraying the homestead would lead to muddy waters. (Dartarans loved sand and water, but only separately, never together.)

The story was considered apocryphal among scholars because Karletin appeared only in this one tale and there were no uncontested historical records to support his existence, but it was enduringly popular and often featured in Dartaran wedding vows.

T’Vora realized that Lalana was essentially telling the Dartarans she had the ability to violate the sanctity of their homestead given the time she had lived with them, but also that she had no intention to do so, and she was saying this in a manner that demonstrated an almost frightening ability to obfuscate the subject matter at hand.

“Then do not make mud,” was Margeh’s solemn reply.

“I wish we could have helped you more, and sooner,” said T’rond’n.

Lalana slid towards T’rond’n and stretched up, pressing her hands onto his chest for balance and flicking her tongue out into his mouth, running the tip across his teeth.

Margeh’s response was a shriek of displeasure. “Stop that!”

“Please be mindful of your gums,” said Lalana, withdrawing and settling back down onto her haunches so she was at waist height.

Saru was startled by every aspect of this exchange: the rudeness of it in light of Georgiou’s recent admonition about impropriety, the intimacy of the action, the familiarity it seemed to require, Margeh’s sharp objection, and the vague sense that this was something T’rond’n and Lalana had done in the past when T’rond’n considered Lalana a lower, animal-level life form. It was a very uncomfortable train of thought.

Margeh grabbed T’rond’n’s arm and yanked him half a step closer to her. “How dare you,” she said.

“You did not mind this yesterday,” said Lalana. “Has something changed since then?”

Margeh hissed and T’rond’n’s jaw spikes bristled slightly in affront. They bid Georgiou a significantly more standard farewell and stepped into their transport.

As the shuttle slid through the bay forcefield, Georgiou announced, “Saru, until further notice, you are relieved of bridge duty. Please focus fully on assisting Lalana acclimate to Federation society.”

It was a significant blow to Saru’s already waning confidence. He stiffened. “Yes, captain.” As they made their way back to the guest quarters, Saru consoled himself with the thought that Georgiou’s assignment was not truly an indictment of his abilities and performance. It was more likely a redistribution of resources to where they were needed most. Not only was Saru the person on the ship who knew their alien guest best, he was also possessed of a sterling reputation for impeccable good manners.

Georgiou was entirely a great captain, Saru decided. Even though she clearly held no love for Lalana, she was doing everything she could to ensure that Lalana had the knowledge necessary to succeed in her new Federation existence.

He approached the topic as delicately as he was able once they were in privacy of the room and they had retaken their position at the dining table—both of them seated in chairs now. “Lalana, if you will recall, the captain advised against actions which would be construed as impolite. I must inform you that your behavior with T’rond’n was entirely so.”

“Yes, I am aware,” said Lalana.

This shocked Saru. “Then why did you behave in this manner?”

“Dartarans are very territorial about their mates,” she explained, which was not the answer to the question Saru had been asking.

He thought a moment. “I am aware of the unforgivable offense that Margeh and T’rond’n have committed, both in hunting you and removing you from your planet, but they were very willing to help us correct these issues and assist you. Perhaps they would have helped you sooner had they been given the chance.”

Lalana twisted her head almost a hundred and eighty degrees. “Did you think their words were true? They are sorry for the situation now because they have been exposed. Had I attempted to broach the subject to them directly during the years I spent with them, they would have done everything in their power to avoid the perception of wrongdoing.”

There was a note of darkness in that assessment which gave Saru pause. “I apologize. I do not mean to doubt your knowledge of your former captors.”

“No, that was wise of you. To you, I am hardly a known quantity.” Lalana shifted in her seat, sitting up straighter and gripping the edge of the table with her heterodactylic hands, two fingers above and two below. “Everything is about perception, Saru. The universe we see is what we know, though it is not what is, because we cannot see everything.”

Saru could see himself in her eyes, so immense and reflective were the glassy surfaces of her unblinking lenses. “We should commence with reviewing some basic diplomatic protocols,” he said simply.

“Very well, but may I ask a question?”

“Of course.”

“Minoru”—this was communications officer Lt. Paxton’s given name—“has told me there are no trees for climbing on a starbase, and no ponds to swim in. I very much wish to climb trees and swim again. May I go somewhere with trees and water?”

“I will compile a list of suitable candidates for you.”

“There is no need. I already know where I wish to go.”

The request was significant enough Saru felt it warranted informing Georgiou. The moment he did, a new problem cropped up: because she did not register on sensors, the holocomm system in Georgiou’s ready room was unable to render Lalana’s form properly, distorting and twisting her shape into something unrecognizable. Georgiou switched the signal to audio-only.

“I would like to go to Risa,” said Lalana’s translated voice.

“Risa?” echoed Georgiou.

“Yes. I have heard it is the most pleasant planet in the galaxy.”

There was no doubting Risa was a paradise like no other, but Georgiou inwardly doubted if Lalana would fully appreciate the pleasures the planet had to offer given her non-humanoid physiology. Then again, Risians were nothing if not accommodating, so perhaps she would.

“That can be arranged,” promised Georgiou, “though you will have to travel there from the starbase.” Lalana agreed to this condition wholeheartedly.

It was a shame that the signal was only audio. If they had been able to see one another, Georgiou and Lalana would have recognized a sympathetic similarity between them. Lalana was spinning her hands in a move of contentment that entirely matched the faint smile on Georgiou’s face at the memory of Risa.

Chapter 4

[eikotheblue]

Darkness and Silence (on Aphantasia)

(This is an effortpost about my experiences with my self-diagnosed Aphantasia. While I believe everything that I’m saying and the personal stories are all accurate, I’ve not been formally diagnosed, the condition is understudied, and introspection is hard. It’s also very long, especially past the readmore.)

For me, one of the most obvious and powerful ideas in LW-rationalism is the typical mind fallacy, or the (often mistaken) belief that other people’s internal experiences are similar to yours when presented with the same stimuli. Reading that sentence really doesn’t convey how big of a deal this is, but I don’t think more words from me can do really do it justice; consider instead reading this post and the comments for a small glimpse into how different brains and experiences can be. 

When I first read that post, the thing I thought of immediately was smell. I’ve never had a sense of smell that produces anything that looks like meaningful input, and until I was about 13 or so I just assumed that nobody could smell much of anything, or that I’d never been exposed to a strong scent. (Then I encountered Axe, and realized there was a stimuli that really was invisible to me). I could talk a lot about lack of smell, but not in this post, because while that was the first atypical mind characteristic I identified in myself, it is far less impactful than Aphantasia. 

Aphantasia is described as “a condition where one does not possess a functioning mind's eye and cannot visualize imagery”. This describes my life experiences very well: I cannot recall or construct mental imagery, even slightly. To demonstrate this, I usually ask people to close their eyes and imagine a square. (Feel free to do so now, and lock the image in your head if you wish). I then ask questions like “What color is the square?” “What color is the background?” “How big is it, relative to your field of view?”, and people generate answers based on the square they imagined. I am always fascinated by these responses; if you perform the experiment and reblog, I’d love to see (either in reblog text or tags) the details of your square.

There is no square in my head. If you ask me to imagine a square, I see no image, only the concept of a 4-sided regular polygon. If you then ask me “what color it is”, I can pick a color at random (or one of my favorites), but the true answer is “None”; there’s no square to have a color. My thoughts and memories exist only as text, with webs of association and observation attached. If I’m asked to remember what something looked like, all that I can retrieve is thoughts that describe the thing I’ve seen, or facts that I know about it, if any. 

Observant readers might notice that while the title of this post is “Darkness and Silence”, so far all that’s been discussed is the inability to visualize. Something that I hadn’t realized until very recently is that Aphantasia is more general than the name implies, at least for me (and others online by anecdote). I can’t directly recall any sensory input from memory, or create sensory input-like experiences ex nihilo. I can’t imagine or recall any sound, taste, touch, or even pain, all of which I have heard other people tell me they can do. From my point of view, it feels unbelievable and incredible that people can do this, and it is hard not to be jealous of that ability. Inside my head, it is dark, silent, still.

Aphantasia is not an inability to receive sensory input: i can still see/hear/etc, and describe what i’m experiencing. It is also not the inability to store sensory input at all, because I can recognize things that I’ve heard and seen before, and after recognizing them I can access details that I wouldn’t have been able to before (this comes up most often in music and other time-component experiences). Additionally, I can dream, and my dreams include images that I saw while awake, which means that the information is stored, just not directly retrievable. My dreams are all very visual, and have other sensory components as well. However, memory of the contents of dreams evaporate almost immediately: since I’m not awake to fully process what I’m seeing, all that gets ‘stored’ is fleeting bits of information, and the emotional state it ended in.

According to the data I’ve seen (which was of limited quality, since Aphantasia is very understudied), visualization and image recall ability vary a great deal from person to person: eidetic or “photographic” memory at the high end, and Aphantasia at the very other. The only place I’ve seen offering stats suggests that the incidence rate is around 2-5%, but the actual numbers could be very different: if I had read slightly different blogs or made slightly different friends, I never would have known!

Going through life without noticing that you have Aphantasia is incredibly easy: people have been doing it for probably longer than recorded history. There just isn’t a lot of evidence that would cause the casual observer to notice the problem: it’s really easy to excuse descriptions of a “mind’s eye” or discussions of visualization as flowery descriptions of the Aphantasia-equivalent skills that fill the gaps, and to just assume that the other variances are just weird quirks, because they don’t feel connected; without the central problem pointed out, it’s just an unlinked set of “things I appear to suck at”.

For me, the biggest observable was memory, and particularly what I called “raw memorization” growing up. I am good at remembering things I understand conceptually, but there are times when information (a chart, dates, a list of names in order, a paragraph of text) just needs to be stored for recall. I am terrible at this! I can manage, if the information is in the form of bindable text (Examples of bindable text are hard to give: a catchy phrase or good song lyrics are bindable, but a list of names and dates are not). If I need to memorize a chart or set of data I don’t get conceptual links from, I don’t really have a long-term solution. In school, I would design a compression system to convert the information into a sentence, reread the sentence over and over right before the test, and write it down as the test started. Then I’d (hopefully) remember my decompression, and manually draw out the info I need. 

I was always quick to take pride in my mental abilities, so when I realized that I was extremely bad at memorization, I tried to learn to train it. And what I found was... advice on memory palaces, a technique for mapping specific memories to specific parts of an imaginary landscape. There were a lot of variations on this, but everything I read basically boiled down to “Step 1. Unfold your wings. Step 2. Practice flapping until you’ve built up enough muscle to fly”; the basic ability required to use the technique was something that it is literally impossible for my brain to do.

And, weirdly enough, this still wasn’t enough evidence to make me figure it out. I got angry and frustrated with advice like this, and eventually quit bitterly, concluding that it was snake oil stuff, or memorization couldn’t really be taught meaningfully, but there were people who were very good at it and thought they could teach it. I gave up on improving and (for the most part) avoided classes and situations where that kind of memorization would be a necessary skill. It took me reading about the original experiment to even consider that I might have it, and over two year’s worth of idle thoughts, research, and conversations with ordinary people about their sensory recall for me to really start to understand just how different (and... diminished) my experiences are.

Aphantasia impacts my life in several ways, almost all of them negatively. I can’t conjure up stimuli to stave off boredom, or crowd out intrusive thoughts. I can’t listen to music in my head (though i can hum or sing it subvocally). I can’t compare 2 images without seeing them side by side. It takes me a lot of exposure to learn enough about a face to describe it, or tell it apart from a similar one. I won’t remember licence plates, too many different passwords, or the birthdays and ages of the people I care about. I get lost very easily, and can’t remember directions well, or make adjustments that deviate meaningfully from the path. Without GPS, I will frequently take a route that is 5 or 10 minutes longer if the alternative is something less familiar or easier to miss turns on.

Gaming is an important part of my life, and Aphantasia does not spare me there, either. It’s easy for me to get hopelessly lost in any game without a good map or obvious landmarks/anchors; I get turned around and spend a lot of time backtracking. Being attacked by something I’m not looking at is terrifying; while I do have object permanence, I can’t visualize my surroundings or keep track of positions that I can’t see. This experience is awful enough that I will almost never play games that regularly cause it. (Overwatch and other pvp shooters, but also many types of single player horror games). Being unable to recall images also poses problems in myst style adventure or puzzle games, although screenshots are a good way to cheat at this. 

To be fair to Aphantasia, there are times that being unable to recall stimulus is useful. I am extremely visually squeamish on several axes (gore, blood, disfigured people, distorted / warped visuals of people), and this would be a much bigger problem if I could recall that kind of image. Similarly, I can’t get songs stuck in my head; until a few days ago, I hadn’t really understood what it meant to have a song stuck in your head. Idle thoughts often remind me of a note progression that i then hum out or think about, but this never really bothered me that much, and I had been lowkey confused about how much it appeared to bother other people, until I learned it was a completely different experience for them. And lastly, the details of my nightmares quickly fade, which limits how upsetting they can be.

But I won’t end on that note, because it would feel like lying. I hate Aphantasia. I hate that my brain is so broken. I hate that I can’t do these things that are so basic for so many people. I hate that I’ll never be able to develop these skills or experience these things. but more than anything, i hate being trapped in my head nothing but my thoughts; i hate that all that it is to be me is a fragile flow of words on a backdrop of terrifying emptiness, of darkness and silence.

[sergeant--wench-blog]

Living with 'High functioning' anxiety and Borderline personality disorder.

According to most people, the way you wake up greatly impacts your mood for the day, If you wake up in a good mood, you may stay in that good mood, If you wake up in a bad mood, It can take a while to get yourself out of it but it can happen etc.  What I’m trying to say is that it can be pretty easy to regulate moods, when you have a normally functioning brain that is (Obviously subtracting environmental influences etc.) With anxiety and BPD, your mood can rapidly change several times before you’ve even had chance to swing your feet round from the bed to the floor. A day in the life of a sufferer- You ready?

After an extremely broken sleep,which is a nightly thing…you come to expect it these days… You wake up…ish. Let’s try that again…You TRY to wake up, you try to force yourself out of the bed but sometimes, it feels as though someone has taken up residence on your chest. Some days…you just kind of sit there…waiting to see what sort of mood is going to greet you…what emotion will it be today? Sometimes you can be sitting there for a good half hour before anything makes an appearance. Will it be anxiety? or a branch from the ever-present BPD tree? It’s like Russian Roulette, except all of the chambers are full and instead of wondering whether or not you’ll be spared, you’re just wondering what kind of bullet it’s going to be this time. One day you’ll be met with this overwhelming desire to cry- Try to imagine being stranded in the ocean, you’re struggling to stay afloat and keep slipping under, it’s consuming, it’s exhausting, it’s unbearable. Every time you seem to have a grasp on things and you feel able to function like a normal member of society, another wave crashes into the back of your head, rendering you incapacitated once again and then it’s back to bed because you physically cannot muster the energy to participate in every day life.

You do not want to shower. You do not want to sleep. You do not want to eat. You do not want to move. You do not want to speak to anyone and you do not want company but at the same time, you’re indescribably lonely. You want to be held but the thought of someone touching you makes you feel sick. You want someone, anyone to come and take care of you but you wouldn’t dream of asking anyone because then you look weak. You want to open the flood gates and tell your loved ones what you’re going through but this thought is met with crippling anxiety that persuades you not to. So you just sit there, being emotionally beaten by your own mind.

If you do manage to conjure up some courage to ask for help -You open yourself up to the pressure of other people in your life, they’ll call you lazy and incompetent- “When are you going to sort yourself out?” -”What is wrong with you? Why don’t you have a job? You don’t look sick?” -“ You can’t keep using your ‘illness’ as an excuse?” at which point, you feel like screaming, you wish they would understand but more often than not, they don’t, they can’t…not unless they have experienced it firsthand. They don’t see the hardships you face every day, they don’t see you constantly battling with your own brain- “I feel good today, I feel like I can achieve anything, I can do this! …Why though? what have you possibly got going well for you? everyone hates you, you have no friends because you’re a bad person. You never never stick to plans, you ignore messages and phone calls, you don’t even feed your cat half the time because your brain gets so clouded that you forget that he relies on you for basic survival. Why did you even bother getting out of bed? Your bed is safe, nothing can harm you while you’re in bed, no one can bother you while you’re in bed, isn’t that what you wanted? to be alone? no? why would you want to share your life with another person? they’d only leave you anyway, you’re too much to handle, they’d see how crazy you are and abandon you like everyone else has. Even if you did find someone who would put up with you, you’d only grow tired of them and push them away, you’d make yourself believe that they aren’t good for you when in actual fact, you just crave the pain of heartbreak. Why would you want to go outside? there are people out there. I’m so sad, I need help, NO! You can’t get help! they’d lock you up. Just self harm, that usually takes the edge off, let it bleed a little, you need the release. What about all of those medical problems you think you have? You were awake for most of last night convincing yourself that you have cancer, what if you do? let’s think about that some more. A heart attack could be right around the corner, don’t put more stress on yourself, you’ll only make it worse, just go back to bed. My heart is racing, I’m sweating, I’m shaking and I can’t focus, What is this pain? why do I have pains in my left arm? Why do I have pains in my chest? What is this?! HEART ATTACK! Something is crushing me! I’m suffocating! I can’t breathe! No…Don’t be silly, You’re too young to be having a heart attack, The Doctors said so last time, they checked your heart, remember? YOUR HEART IS FINE. Yeah…That’s what they want you to think, they just said that to get you out of the hospital because you were taking up a bed that someone else needs . Stop panicking! You’re fine! But what if you’re not? Let’s just lie on the floor and wait for it to pass.”-  ”…I did feel good today…I tried.”

There are days where you’ll feel absolutely nothing at all. numb. It’s kind of like zombie-mode or autopilot. you feel no emotion and your brain doesn’t seem to want to work. Your limbs can sometimes feel like they aren’t your own, they don’t feel a a part of you (See? even they want to escape from you) Someone will try and make conversation with you and all you can do is stare at them because you can’t actually think of any words…It’s like they have been erased from your memory and you have reverted back to the toddler stage, you stutter and urge yourself “ JUST SPEAK! YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THIS” …Nothing. This feeling can last all day and the only way to feel something, anything is to self harm…So that’s what you do because it takes you out of the numbness phase and brings you back to reality and that isn’t much better, The reality is that you’re sitting in the middle of your bathroom floor, covered in blood and snot and making that ugly face you make when you cry.

Some days you’ll experience inextinguishable rage, you’ll feel it bubbling away at the surface, you feel hot, you feel ready to explode. You cant focus on anything and, similar to numbness, your mind goes blank and all you can see is red. You’ll shout at everyone, Your friends and family…even your cat gets it in the neck. You know you don’t mean it and you continue to fight the urge to headbutt a few walls…It’s better that than physically hurt someone, right?

Worrying will be a huge part of your daily life. What if I miss my bus? What if I don’t have the correct change as soon as the driver asks for it? what if I drop the money on the floor? How embarrassing! What if the bus crashes? Who will feed my cat?! What if my house is on fire when I get home? What if someone breaks in? What if I see someone I know and they try to make plans with me? What do I say? What if I just collapsed and died in the middle of the street? Would the cars stop or just drive over my lifeless body? Would anyone even miss me?  Every single action you take or think about taking will result in you worrying about it or trying to convince yourself to just give up on today and try again tomorrow.

Going to your GP doesn’t work, They just put you on any old medication and send you on your way. You have to fight for anyone to actually listen to you because of the stigma attached to mental illness. YOU have to do this, no one will do it for you but be warned, It is a long and painful process. Therapy can work but you’re going to have to waste so much time on finding the right type of therapy that works for you and even when you do find it, you then have to find the right therapist, One with whom you feel comfortable and because of the high demand, you’ll probably be waiting close to a year. People online can help, Join some groups, start talking to people who are going through similar experiences and don’t give up. Suicide is never, ever the answer. You wouldn’t be getting rid of the pain, You’d just be passing it on to someone who loves you.

Happiness isn’t a regular occurrence but it does greet you, warmly, every now and then. You find yourself appreciating the very simple things in life…Like the rain, how it awakens every nerve in your body as it trickles down your skin…or the first sip of a good cup of tea in the morning…or the laughter of a carefree child. It’s these little things that can keep you going sometimes.

~Wench

[caffeinatedwonderlands]

Call Out Post for the American Education System

The American education system has officially reached a personal level of bad; “personal” meaning I finally can’t take things anymore and feel the need to write something on the matter.

Now I had always grown up as someone who could be considered a ‘gifted’ student. I went to a school for the academically gifted for five years where it was constant work and thinking everyday, yet, the minute a started high school I began to struggle.

Now why this struggle? 

It’s not like a majority of the work I’m given is difficult in my eyes. In fact, most of it is painfully easy to me. The kind of easy that I find pointless to do. Given that, some is still difficult but not so much so as to destroy my academic skill necessarily. So why have my grades dropped if work is so easy?

It’s the amount.

From my experience, I’ve found that public school only cares about how much work you show, not difficulty.

I can get things done relatively quickly yet, the amount of work I’m assigned nightly is impossible for me to finish. I get home at about 4:15 everyday and stay awake until nearly 2 am attempting to finish everything. 2 am is usually the time in which I finally say I must call it quits so I don’t kill myself from being overworked. So not only do I have this nearly 10-11 hour period of straight homework some nights, but I’m also at school for 7 hours daily.

Here also arrives the question: “what about the weekends? Surely you have plenty of time then.” I can only answer this simply with “no I do not.”

Proof? As I write this, it is Monday morning at about 15 minutes until 1. I’m actually writing this because I’ve done homework since Friday night and finally cannot take it anymore. 

Yes, I still have work but I’ve also had enough of this.

This is wrong. There was a time when school was about learning, not just trying to remember something long enough to pass one test and do some homework.

School was once learning instead of working.

School was once a privilege, not a requirement.

Yet here we are, wanting nothing more than to drop out of school.

A place that was once a privilege, is now a place in which I’d say about 80% of students call Hell.

I’d also like to bring up this ‘common core’ bullshit. I have a fiery hatred for this that I honestly have no idea how to put into words.

They force that bullshit into your brain as early as possible and I’ve found myself actually becoming dumber because of it.

I have almost lost the ability to do mental math because common core tells me to write down everything. Every minuscule little step. Every damn number I think of. They’ve forced us to dumb ourselves down for it.

It’s hard to explain the feeling of having been told I’m gifted for my entire life and then suddenly watching as I begin to fail because I can no longer turn in every assignment.

Due to this lack of completing everything, I find it difficult to keep up in class. I fall behind and next thing I know, I don’t understand a single thing we’ve been taught because I haven’t managed to learn what the basic concept was in the first place.

I’m not saying to get rid of homework but I’m also not saying to keep it.

I have a firm belief that homework should be assigned to those who need it. I’ve had maybe one or two teachers in my 10 years of schooling that only assigned homework  in case someone needed it to help them understand. They had a “it’s on you if you learn it or not” outlook, which I can greatly admire in a teacher.

I have a family member or two who are teachers and have tried to explain to me that a teacher’s salary is highly affected by how well students succeed in their class. This suddenly made me lose respect for many of my teachers as many of them had admitted to assigning work because it was a quote-on-quote “easy 100 in the gradebook”.

Not only this but it’s 100% the truth when I say I have a test in every subject at least once a week if not twice.

So not only do I fall behind easily because of work but I fail many tests because I never had time to learn the material.

But the work is only one of my many problems.

My second problem is mental health.

I only wish to lightly touch on this matter due to the sensitivity of the topic.

Being someone who developed severe depression from a relatively young age and had varying levels of anxiety throughout the last 6-7 years, I can say the school system doesn’t give two shits about your mental health.

I’ve not only witnessed it with myself, but with many of my friends as well.

Now if you know how depression works for many people, it makes it hard to participate, thus why I’m surprised I’ve managed to accomplish all of the work I have after all this time.

For anyone who knows how anxiety works, it makes it difficult to focus as many things may run through your mind at once.

The only hope I have regarding how the school system handles mental health is how one of my teachers was fired for screaming at my friend who was helping me with some of my work I could not complete because I was busy at my mother’s funeral the night before.

Yes, a teacher yelled at someone who was helping someone who is one of the few people who would likely even attend school after losing someone as close to them as their mother.

But either way, I still find it agitating how many of my teachers know I struggle with an anxiety disorder yet many of them give me poor grades because I fidget slightly during class.

I was once given an 85% on an assignment solely because I shifted my feet and fidgeted with a rubber band on my wrist a few times while presenting. Mind you, I know for a fact it was only a few times as I will often have people watch me during presentations so they can tell me afterwards how much I fidgeted.

Now me having anxiety can’t compare to people with ADD/ADHD or possibly Tourettes Syndrome and many others. I can only imagine how life can be for them. 

I have found that due to the minimal sleep I receive every night, I’m too tired to even function at school.

I would love to say that little sleep is my problem in the end but I know that’s false.

When things started out, I got about 9 hours of sleep a night and still struggled, this is why I started pulling late nights in the first place.

I can’t count how many all nighters I’ve pulled because of school.

So much coffee has been forced down my throat, and forcing my tired, dark, sunken eyes to stay awake.

I have lost so much sleep, that my eyes are at a level of sunken that they may never recover from. This is no exaggeration.

Lack of sleep kills. Overworking kills. 

Both kill and I’ve dealt with both from school.

Not to sound super over the top but, school kills.

So what should you take from this?

The American Education System needs to work its shit out. Work has become a matter of completion rather than learning. Mental illness can hold us back yet no one cares about that until you pose a threat to them or yourself.

I know it’s unlikely anyone will read this and change anything but I wanna put this message out there. I wanna let this thought linger in some people’s minds. 

You think kids are lazy when most of them are probably just unable to actually continue with this bullshit much longer.

This is honestly a cry of help not only from myself, but millions of students across the United States. 

Thank you for anyone who gave the time to read this.

Much appreciated,

L.A.S.

[gloverdominic92]

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[020483anomalies]

--- I: SIGNALS

I have a very strong belief that I inherently have a genetic disposition towards mental disturbances.

Through development in my adolescent years, I encountered a lot of bullying which was taken very irrationally. Some came from friends I saw and interacted with every day, and this caused a deeper questioning into all my relationships with others. Some of the bullying came from acquaintances, which is easier to shake off, but reinforced a lot of disturbing thoughts towards myself. Many self-hatred thoughts came to absolutes and I was convinced that I was not able to have a normal life. That my brain was not good for me. That no person genuinely liked me, and anyone who did was falling for my ability to "act normal."

In college, a big part of my identity was challenged when I attempted to apply to a competitive major at my university. It led to very depressive episodes, and some were very psychotic. I felt the need to confront all of those who "did this to me" or "made me feel this way." I felt that I needed people close to me to confront those who hurt me, as well. I was convinced that my story would be a spectacle, that I didn't deserve this fate, and that I would be a martyr to end this grotesque treatment of students here. I, stupidly, posted about wanting to commit suicide online. In public.

I ended up being forced into counseling because of suicide threats, except I was already seeking counseling. I felt like my concerns weren't being treated. I felt like I was a concern for the school, and they felt that treating me, as an illness to them, was the solution. It didn't seem like anyone took my problems seriously.

During college, I had a lot of episodes. There was a time I broke in the library and became convinced that my level of intelligence was perfect for committing crimes. I thought that I should impact the world by harming others, because I was a broken person, and this was what broken people did. If the world wasn't going to accept me as a computer science major, I wanted nothing else. My entire childhood was warped around my future self, reinforced through parenting "you can go if you have good grades" and "no, because you need to do this for your future." I shared the homicidal thoughts with my counselor, because it scared me. The next day, I felt none of those feelings. I didn't want to hurt anyone and I don't know why I thought I should. In another incident, while screaming at my mother, I emptied what were about 20 of my antidepressants and ended up experiencing serotonin syndrome. That was the second time. Let's not forget the time I actually got sent to the hospital for being a danger to myself.

In another time, I was convinced that they only way my (now former) boyfriend could prove he loved me, was to use his position as a computer science major to question and confront admissions about my rejection. I was convinced that it was going to be truly cathartic.

This made me question memories that I find embarrassing. When I was 13, I was invited to a birthday party and I said to an acquaintance "this place looks like a run down shack." I literally cannot express how inn appropriate this was. The thing is, it happens a lot. Friends come up to me a few times a year and talk about something I said before, and nothing about what they claim seems to align with any sense of self I have about myself. When did I say this? One time, after dinner with my (former) boyfriend's family, he asked me "why did you say your parents used to yell at you?" and I said "is that weird to say?" There are probably many more, including one that happened last week I still can't admit to at this moment, but obviously, my brain is trying to forget them.

I can't explain to people why I am so extremely happy. I can articulate why I am sad, but it doesn't make sense. I always had very irregular energy levels and mood swings. But growing up female, it was very easy to point the finger towards hormonal issues. There was a time my mother cried over the phone and told me that she made a mistake with that assumption. She deeply regret not addressing or attempting to treat my mental illnesses earlier in life. I cried too.

--- II: HIGH-FUNCTIONING

The problem is, I lose a lot of control over my words when my brain is in an "excited state." I have come to terms that this is something that happens to me with little explanation. I can recognize it, ride it out, and it makes me productive. It's extremely stimulating. Originally, I thought it was an introvert thing; I talked to too many people, so I go home and feel drained. Except it doesn't play out that way for me. I talk to people, get really excited about sharing everything that pops into my mind, no matter how deep, until I go home and realize what I've done. Then I sit with an anxious feeling, guilt, regret, and a general sense that I lost control of myself. This has not gotten better with time.

Over my life, I have exhibited many levels of concerning behavior on several different levels.

Recently, I found myself in a competitive major, with the accepted rate of 29%. I also found myself surrounded my people who occasionally noted their appreciation for me. In addition, I obtained a fairly technical internship. Many positive events in my life, all at once, sparked a lot of joy. I repeatedly boasted about being happy, because I knew people wanted to see me happy. And I felt very, very happy. Everyone has seen me at a depressed state for so long, and I never knew how good it felt to not be haunted by my torturous past.

With added stress, I find myself exhibiting concerning behavior. Because I am fairly well-educated, I have a strong background on harm reduction in substance use. It also gave me avenues for exploring lesser-known substances. Although I remain safe, I find my life revolving around substance use and occasionally dependencies. Not physically dependent, but the mindset "I need this for the most productive day" or "I need one of these to stay awake tonight." For some reason, I felt the need to be a role model of extremes. That someone could be both equally successful as well as live a very "festive" life.

I always thought it was funny. The fact that I was so good on paper, but so terrible in other scopes. Here was this 4.0 GPA, 7 AP tests passed, national honor society, washington aerospace scholar, and cofounder of a FIRST robotics club. On the other hand, I had such strong warnings with sex and drugs. I wasn't the failing school rehab story, I was my own nuanced slew of concerns. Part of this I attribute to growing up in an Asian American culture. To this day, I have never been out of a relationship for more than a few months. The longest I had been single was a summer during college, where I managed several sexual relationships with others in a very reckless way. I was in a relationship with someone 5+ years older at 15, began smoking marijuana too early, and before my 18th birthday experienced other celebratory substances. I ran away from home a lot, snuck out a lot, and fought with my parents all the time. I used to have extreme tantrums, screaming at the top of my lungs. Before 21, the list continues. All these problems were hidden because of my career related success.

Truly, this combination in my youth makes me feel invincible. I gloat about it in my head every single day, and I call it the counting of my blessings. Although I lately believe that this is an overwhelmingly positive view on my life. In the later stages of adolescence, I adopted a lot of coping mechanisms and understood mental health as spectrum and process, rather than diagnoses and treatment. I began to pay a lot of attention to diet and exercise, as well as express gratitude when possible. I developed really strong communication skills to my loved ones. I never pointed fingers or threatened a romantic/non-romantic breakup. I became really, really good at admitting my own feelings even to people who are not very close to me. Vulnerability was my strength, and in a lot of self-help and counseling areas, it is seen as a positive thing.

Unfortunately, being able to control destructive behaviour in the physical world has led come to this: there are no more obvious signals.

I am mindful about everything. I'm not reckless with money because I idealize minimal possessions. I'm not destructive or tumultuous in friendships/relationships because I am aware of where my emotions are coming from and I habitually express gratitude. My school or work doesn't decline because I have all the career advice that prevents me from over-focussing on them.

--- III: SHINING FRAMENTS

When I meet people, I don't think there's a hint that I was ever so mentally ill. I make it obvious through admittance, because I choose to control how others see me. I have so many odd habits and behaviors that are just unexplained if people don't know that I used to have little friends, bullied, and suicidal. For people I cannot have a long conversation with, it is a struggle, because I know what I appear as at first, and on social media, and I struggle with the judgment.

Ultimately, I find that everything does impact my day-to-day life quite a bit. I feel I can never control my emotional reactions; only tame them physically and mentally. I have to spend so many hours of my day recovering from something I feel shame, guilt, or embarrassed about. I get my work done, but only because I mentally know the essential steps I need to take in order to succeed in my career. And when I am working, I feel flustered and unmotivated the entire time. I basically feel "accomplished enough" and can only focus on the desire to waste time or 'celebrate life.'

I think so much that my analytical skills are so valuable in school, work, and friendships, but it's the thoughts that are sending my emotions too far in every direction.

All of the disturbances I experience are hidden. Over time I acquired the skills to manage anger, talk through sadness, practice study skills, exercise, etc. It feels like a full time job to need to manage every aspect of my life to be in control the moment my emotions aren't what I want them to be.

What triggered me to reflect so deeply on this is that I feel so disturbed by my own emotions, even when truly believing and knowing that nothing is truly wrong in my life. Perhaps there may be something wrong with my brain, post-depression. Yet, if it never affects my grades, my work, or even my relationships, no one will ever take it seriously.

But I can't ignore that the way I experience emotions right now is making me lose my sense of self.

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Jordan Shakeshaft, Life by Daily Burn

There was a time a few years back when I couldnt sleep more than four hours a night. I would stay up thinking about work and relationships and looming events. And Id wake in the middle of the night to the panic of a mish-mash of incomprehensible thoughtsor worse, the jagged whisper of my dads last breath. My bed wasnt a place of restorationit was a place of unrest. For someone who loves sleep more than hugs, high fives, and new kicks, this was source of major distress.

My problem wasnt uncommon: generalized anxiety disorder. But, like the other 6.8 million Americans with the scarlet A stamped across our furrowed foreheads, it was just life. And the plight of restless nights? I was in the company of 50 to 70 million. Thankfully, my sleep habits would slowly improve over timebut I could still count on one terrible, no-good, sub-five-hour sleep at least once a week.

Then, just last month I plopped that normal New York existence into a proverbial blender and pressed puree. I was moving to the Wellness-Obsessed Capital of the World: Los Angeles. Despite the immediate assault of sunshine and the purchase of a stupidly expensive new mattress (still worth every penny), I was contending with new work hours, new fears (OMG, driving) and people who seemed so nice (but wait, whats the catch?). Within two weeks I was Googling day spas, yoga studios, and meditation centers like a woman possessed.

RELATED: 8 Signs Youre Way Too Stressed (And How to Deal)

Thats when I came across Dream Reality Cinema in Beverly Hills. Not to be confused with your average popcorn-slinging movie theater, this one plays a single film designed to induce dream meditation. Think: eyes wide open, in a floating state of consciousness. Once students master that form of zen, they can move on to lucid dreaming, or the ability to stay conscious while dreaming. (Yup, that means you can control what happens in your dreams, Inception style.) And thats not all: Some believe you can achieve a higher level of thinking, problem solve more effectively, and tap into a greater world of creativity in such a state.

I made an appointment, and promptly added: Next-level ish to my to-do list.

Lucid Dreaming: The Premise

According to the founders, Hungarian philosopher and human cybernetics researcher Sandor Lengyel and physician Emese Toth, MD, the first step to dream meditation requires a bit of guidance. Thats where their 40-minute film comes in, based on 25 years worth of studies on dreaming, relaxation and meditative techniques.

As with other forms of meditation, dream meditation taps into your present thoughts, sensations and emotions, butyou guessed itin a sleepier state (my forte). And while wide-awake meditation practitioners have to deal with physical stimuli around them, dream meditation does two things differently.

[While dreaming], the brain can freely decide what to do and where to take itself.

First, it removes those outside influences, allowing people to theoretically reach a meditative state more easily. As Lengyel puts it, Lucid dreaming is the perfect meditation, because there is no way for your conscious mind to interfere with the practice. Second, it increases the possibility for growth and change, since certain regions of the brain are more active in a dream-like state. (Namely, parts of the visual cortex, motor cortex and motion-sensory areas deep within the brain, according to some sleep experts.)

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Dr. Toth explains: When we are able to live consciously in our dreams, our colorful, real and memorable dream life can develop and become connected with our wakeful life. All this brain boosting on top of the traditional meditation benefits, like reduced anxiety, improved sleep and increased productivity, to name a few.

RELATED: True Life: 60 Minutes in a Sensory Deprivation Tank

Whats more, theres a healthy dose of Inception to lucid dreaming: The film [thats shown in the studio] provides a precisely engineered brain-regenerating program, says Dr. Toth. More specifically, it flips a switch on natural processes that have otherwise been turned off in our heads, such as the ability to think freely and creatively, she says.

This might be explained by the fact that during sleep-mode, the prefrontal area of the brain becomes less active. This is where logical reasoning resides. [While dreaming], the brain can freely decide what to do and where to take itselfIt can behave naturally and unrestricted because nothing forces it to behave otherwise, Dr. Toth says. What results: Restoration, serenity, invigorationor, well, whatever your heart (or head) desires.

Dream Reality Cinema: The Experience

On the Uber ride to Dream Reality Cinema, I scrolled through the studios testimonials. Unlike anything Ive ever experienced before so relaxing My driver pulled up to the corner and I hopped out. No fluorescent marquee, but the whitewashed boutique was undeniably 90210-chic.

Inside, I checked in with the receptionist, who escorted me to the two-person cinema room. She invited me to take a seat in a cushy, zero-gravity leather chair. (Note to self: BYO meditation date?) It reclined just past 180 degrees, my head a few inches below my feet. My guide requested that my glasses come off. Sorry, but Im blind? Thats OK, she said. The super-fancy wraparound specs came on, and she directed my finger to the adjustable focus so even near-sighted folks like me could see.

Focus, Shakeshaft, you cannot write a story about a fancy nap.

I asked if I could somehow take notes. She chuckled, assuming I was kidding, and handed me a plush blanket to tuck myself in. (She clearly did not know of my ability to text and Instagram in my sleep.) She asked if I need anything elsewater or tea? (Another note to self: BYO Swedish Fish.) I slipped my sandals off as the lights in the room faded to black.

To start the session, newbie lucid dreamers required a primer. A short, animated introduction video offered a few key tips. The first, Just let yourself react freely. Meaning: Do not force yourself to mediate, concentrate or, like this writer did, attempt to take mental notes for her article. When text appears on screen, do not zero in to read the words. Instead, maintain full-screen vision. That is, seeing everything at the same time. As you should do in life, as well, the creators explain. It was 4 p.m. and my brain-slash-life was already foggy from the day. Focus, Shakeshaft, you cannot write a story about a fancy nap.

RELATED: This Is Your Body on Sleep Deprivation

What followed was a winding path of visualizations to coax me into the elusive conscious-yet-dreaming state. At one point I was prompted to imagine I was a tiny pebble falling into a vast body of water. I played along. Falling, falling and, sure enough, the rest gets fuzzy. My expertly-crafted sensory experience (just as I suspected) had turned into a warm and glorious slumber. How long was I asleep? Would the receptionist know?

I peeled my eyelids apart and settled back into the film, as I was coached to do. Positive affirmations floated to the screen. My thoughts drifted over to my new LA life, my people, my kittens, my self-worth, my ability to conquer whatever lies ahead. Basically, my inner Jessica was telling me I can do anything good!

I was conscious, that I knew. But was I getting closer to lucid dreaming mode? I waited patiently for my higher-level abilities to kick in. Mind awake, body asleep. Mind awake, body asleep, I told myself. Just like Elliot from Mr. Robot chanted during his own reality-bending, hyper-woke episodes. But something (possibly my sudden hunger pangs or late-onset fidgeting) told me I wasnt quite there.

Moments later, the film concluded and my trusty guide tiptoed back in.

Mind awake, body asleep. Mind awake, body asleep, I told myself.

Did I like the experience? I think so.

Did I feel different now than when I walked in? Sorta.

Did I manage to find a dream-like meditative state? Definitely maybe?

Like a kid who stole the Butterfinger and knew she had to come clean, I told her I maaayy have fallen asleep. Once. OK twice. Lady, I fell asleep three times. But I swear I didnt mean to!

She reassured me that was totally normal. In fact, most people do on their first visit, she said.

Living in a Dream: The Assessment

During my hour-long session, no, I did not learn how to lucid dream. And I shouldnt have expected to. Dr. Toth explains that lucid dreaming takes many sessions of practice and self-analysis. Only with continued practice will individuals learn to remember, control and eventually unlock valuable information stored deep in the subconscious mind.

The dreaming state gives us permission to allow changes within us and we begin to behave and think differently.

Instead, the dream meditation session teaches you a fundamental skill that you can build upon: [How] to have an active and independent consciousness instead of being a passive follower of someone or something, says Dr. Toth. Those guilty of moving robotically from one day to the next? Shes talking to us.

The dreaming state gives us permission to allow changes within us and we begin to behave and think differently. Sometimes we experience a more evolved way of thinking, a type of expansion, Dr. Toth says. This is where the so-called boost in creativity, memory function, and other positive changes take place.

As for the claims that dream meditation will normalize sleep or stress disorders? For me, TBD. While I did sleep like a champ that night, the founders emphasize that any long-term improvements will require a lengthier commitment.

So is this the ultimate brain hack? Or the most fantastical placebo effect this side of the San Andreas Fault? Maybe it doesnt matter. If youre taking 60 minutes of your day to clear some headspace, that in and of itself might be the win. At least it was for me.

Dream Reality Cinema has two locations: Los Angeles, California, and Budapest, Hungary. The studio currently offers one film, Dream Meditation, but is working on a new program, Active Dreaming, which will delve more deeply into lucid dreaming. Each session is $45 and a monthly unlimited membership is $200.

The post appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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The importance of Getting Quality Sleep

Drugs and sleep

Sleep disturbances have been associated with drug use and the withdrawal from drug abuse.  Sleep disturbances also have been linked to the use of alcohol and to chronic alcoholism.

Many prescription and non-prescription medicines can cause sleep problems.  The severity of sleep problems caused by a medicine will vary from person to person.

Prescription drugs that might cause sleep problems include:

High blood pressure medicines

Hormones such as oral contraceptives

Steroids including prednisone

Respiratory medicines

Diet pills

Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder medicines

Some antidepressants

The following non-prescription medicines can cause sleep problems:

Pseudoephedrine, including the brand Sudafed

Medicines with caffeine (These include the brands Anacin, Excedrin, and No-Doz as well as cough and cold medicines

Marijuana, heroin, cocaine amphetamines and methamphetamines

Nicotine, which can disrupt sleep and reduce total sleep time.

Alcohol and sleep

Alcohol is a sedative, which can help induce sleep, but the quality of sleep is often fragmented.  Alcohol prevents you from getting the deep sleep and rapid eye movement (REM) sleep you need because alcohol keeps you in the lighter stages of sleep.

REM and NREM Sleep

The importance of sleep cannot be overestimated, and lack of sleep can wreak havoc in our lives.  Having enough sleep is essential, because during this time the body repairs and rejuvenates itself.  While it seems that the body is at rest the brain is busy managing and supervising other body activities.

The basic stages of sleep are classified as rapid eye movement sleep and non-rapid eye movement sleep, which are then broken down into other segments.

Non-rapid eye movement (NREM) is the first stage of sleep followed by rapid eye movement (REM).  The length of each cycle between NREM and REM sleep varies but usually last about 75 minutes, and then increase in length throughout the night.  A person spends about 75% of their time asleep in NREM.  NREM sleep can be further broken down into 4 more stages and each stage has its own characteristics.

Stage 1 is the lightest form of sleep and people can easily be woken up in this stage.  A person spends approximately 7 minutes in this dreamy like state.  It is during this stage that people have the feeling of falling or slipping away and can awake abruptly.

Stage 2 of NREM sleep last about 25 minutes and during this time a person is harder to wake, and there is a decrease in temperature and heart rate.  This is also the time when information that has been learned throughout the day becomes memory.  A person who does not get enough of this Stage 2 sleep may have difficulty retaining memory that needs to be recalled at a later event.

Stage 3 NREM sleep is where a person moves from light to deep sleep.  It is during this stage that slow wave sleep, which is restorative for the body.  This stage last only a few minute before moving into Stage 4.

Stage 4 NREM sleep is the deepest form of sleep and may last up to 40 minutes.  It is during this stage that certain types of sleep disorder being to manifest as behaviors.

REM sleep.

Unlike NREM sleep, REM sleep consists of much less total sleep time.  REM, rapid eye movement occurs when a person is dreaming.  This stage is made up of low voltage brain wave activity and muscle paralysis.  The first phase of REM sleep is usually very short, but gets longer as the night progresses.  During REM sleep, the heart rate increases, blood pressure increases, as does, blood flow to the brain.  Breathing becomes faster and body temperature may now start to rise.  During REM sleep the body does not regulate and the person is unable to sweat or shiver.

Sleep Hormones

One of the major functions of sleep is the production of sleep hormones.  These hormones regulate the amount of sleep a person gets.  They help a person fall asleep and wake up and they also play a role in metabolism and stress.

Melatonin

The body has a 24 hour clock known as the circadian rhythm.  The body produces hormones in response to certain times of day when it knows it should be sleeping or awake.  One of these hormones is melatonin.  The control of this hormone happens in the brain in the area known as the supra-chiasmatic nucleus (SCN).  The SCN responds to environment when then days get shorter, and it then stimulates the brain to secrete hormones such as melatonin.  Very little melatonin is secreted from the pineal gland in the brain during the day, but larger amounts are secreted at night which helps individuals sleep.   The release of melatonin usually starts to occur around 9 pm and lasts for about 12 hours.  Melatonin is only released in an environment that doesn’t have bright light.  The amount of melatonin that a body releases varies from person to person.  In some situation melatonin supplements may be necessary and it can be purchased without a prescription.

Sleep recommendations

A good night’s sleep is essential to maintain a healthy balanced life.   Getting enough sleep helps reduce illnesses and injuries.  Different ages need a different amount of sleep with children needing the most.  On average a 1 month old child sleeps 16 hours a day.  At 3 months a baby may sleep 6 to 10 hours at night and about 6-8 hours during the day.  At around 4 months a baby can sleep for much longer periods of time at night, which gives parents some much needed rest.    Between 9 & 12 months a baby sleeps for about 11 hours with a couple of naps during the day.  Children can develop sleep deprivation at an early age.  Sleep difficulties cause fatigue, lethargy and difficulty with concentration and memory, which makes performance at school difficult.  As children continue to grow, they continue to sleep about 11 to 12 hours.  This number drops to 10 hours for children between the age of 10 and 12 years.  By 16 years of age teenager will need 9.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

The optimal amount of time needed for adults is between 7.5 and 9 hours per night.  When an adult is getting less 6 hours of sleep a night; performance starts to suffer and so does their energy level.

A Guide to Sleep Hygiene

Proper sleeping habits are necessary for a healthy life.  Here are a few suggestions.

Avoid napping during the day.

Avoid coffee at least 6 hours before going to bed.

Avoid alcohol, nicotine and street drugs.

Don’t eat a heavy meal before going to bed.

Don’t watch TV that will over stimulate your mind.

Keep your room dark and have minimal noise in your room.

Go to bed at the same time each night.

Use some form of relaxation method to help calm you.

Take a warm bath.

If you have trouble falling asleep or if you wake up in the night. Don’t lie in bed thinking about other things or worrying that you can’t sleep as this will only make you more agitated.  Get up and do something soothing until you feel tired enough to go back to sleep.

Don’t over exercise just before going to bed as your body needs time to wind down and relax.

If you sleep problems persist consult a medical professional for help.

Johnina Noar, CADC-II CD Councelor AToN Center  888-535-1516

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Podcast: Kristina Halvorson on Content Strategy

In the three months since we launched our new podcast, Taking Note, we’ve already viewed New Year’s resolutions in a new way, hung out with tech industry celebrities, and explored “radical candor” as a key to leadership.

For Episode 4, we get down to some core principles.

Listen now:

Length: 38 minutes iTunes | SoundCloud | Google Play | MP3 | RSS

Whether we’re talking about our personal lives or our work, real progress requires us to ask some difficult questions: What do we want? What’s it all about?

Beat Bühlmann, head of Evernote’s office in Zürich, Switzerland, challenges us to do just that with his “Swiss PDP Approach” to personal development. Beat’s system, refined over ten years, goes beyond standard ideas of work/life balance to get to the center of who we are as individuals. “It’s like building a house,” he says. “You cannot start with the roof. You have to start with the foundation, and in terms of development, the foundation is you. Who are you? What are your values?”

For content strategist Kristina Halvorson, asking big questions at the beginning is also the key to success. As one of the leading voices in the content field for nearly a decade, she’s seen companies from tech giants to dog food producers succeed or fail online as a result of how well they understand their customers and how well the content of their websites meets real needs. About her company, Brain Traffic, she says: “99 out of 100 people that we talk to, they don’t know what their audiences want to do on their website. It’s shocking. Because if you just dive into ‘what do we want people to do on our site?’ you are going at it backward.”

Highlights of our conversation with Kristina Halvorson are transcribed below. To hear the complete interview and subscribe to future episodes of “Taking Note,” head over to iTunes, SoundCloud, or Google Play.

What is content strategy?

This question. If I never had to answer this question again I would be so happy. My definition has been evolving along with everybody else’s. And I just, I hate answering the question because I feel like there are a lot of different answers and none of them are necessarily right or wrong. The way that we talk about content strategy when a client comes to us, basically they come to us with problems: “Our content is a disaster.” Or, “We are launching a project with a new website and we want to do it right. We want to think about the content, we don’t want to necessarily start with the mood boards or whatever.”

So the way that we frame it up is: we are going to work with you to identify business goals that the website can have an impact on. We are going to work with you to identify what—and I am getting to the definition, I promise!—what your users want to do and find out once they hit your website. And so when I’m talking about content strategy 90% of the time I am talking about website content strategy and that is the strategic framework that guides planning for the creation, the structure, and the ongoing maintenance of content that your audience cares about, wants, and needs.

A lot of people conflate the concepts of content strategy and content marketing. And a lot of us are asked to do both, wear both of those hats. Content marketing as I see it is more about the application of the content strategy, whereas the content strategy might be about asking those deep questions. What do we do and why? And how do we structure it and maintain it, as you said? But then the marketing is more about, okay if we know what it is that we do and why and how we manage it, what do we do with that?

Oh for sure and you know I have done battle with content marketing for years because I felt like it was taking us so many steps backward. Because the call, the siren call of content marketing was ‘get content and you’ll get customers.’ More content equals more eyeballs and builds trust and engagement. And so what I saw—what I think a lot of us saw—were just companies going “Yes, content” and syndicating and churning out all this crap that nobody cared about. And their websites would remain broken. And that’s where people wanted to actually interact with them and get stuff done.

And it made me nuts to be called in to a dog food company or a plumbing company and these people like “We’re going to double down on content for our marketing.” And again it would just come back to, how do you know that this is what people want or need? Have you talked to them? How can you differentiate from your competitors in the field or are you just trying to keep up with the Joneses? Then that rolled back to these strategy questions.

Where do you think is the best place for somebody who just wants to start? Where do you go?

You go to your users. I own a little company called Brain Traffic. And we are small, there’s only 10 of us. Which is great because we get to be a little picky about the projects that come our way, but 99 out of 100 people that we talk to, they don’t know what their audiences want to do on their website. It’s shocking.

One of my big career gurus, Gerry McGovern, has been yelling about this and tearing his hair out about this literally since 1994. He still writes blog posts about this every Sunday. Same topic. So if you want to start somewhere, take a breath and talk to your users. Go read Louis Rosenfeld’s book Search Analytics for Your Site, find out what people are searching for, go talk to Gerry McGovern and get his Top Tasks methodology. Because if you just dive into—and I see this over and over and over again—what do we want people to do on our site? You are going at it backward.

If you put your user first, your business is going to be successful.

You’ve got to understand—I clearly have a few feelings about this—you’ve got to understand first of all, what you want your website to accomplish for your business and then you’ve got to understand your user expectation and needs. And you know that is a basic tenet of user experience design. If you put your user first, your business is going to be successful. So being able to consider that, marry those, synthesize that information, and then make decisions about content priorities, information architecture, content requirements, voice and tone, all of that stuff. You don’t want to do any of that until you’ve got those key things in place.

You also founded the Confab content strategy conference. The first time I went to that, I thought it was going to be a bunch of people from Silicon Valley companies. And what really struck me was seeing people from all kinds of organizations.

Everybody’s got the same fundamental challenges when it comes to content. And we can talk that language with any organization and what we have found with Confab is that people come together and they all are kind of speaking the same language, they share the same pain points, and they’re looking for the same kinds of answers. And you know that is something that we really like to talk about too, is that you are going to learn from these speakers, but you’re also going to learn from your colleagues who are there at the conference.

What’s really interesting is that the industry has changed so much and so rapidly, even just over the last two years as the idea of designing content for products, and now AI conversation design… It is a complicated thing to keep up with that with programming. The original vision for Confab was, “okay, UX designers and copywriters and corporate communicators and marketers and CMS wonks—let’s all come together under this big tent and learn each other’s language.” Because there hadn’t really been that opportunity before, you know?

Go learn the language of your colleagues. That degree of collaboration is what’s required for really great content.

That still is our vision, but now those conversations are taking place more and more in organizations. And what we’re finding is that people want to go deep. […] The speakers that we bring through the door to these conferences are the most articulate, thoughtful, funny people. And it’s hard for people to choose which sessions to go to. What I just always encourage people is, go learn the language of your colleagues. Yes, you want to take away tools but also go learn what’s on your colleagues’ minds because that degree of collaboration is what’s required for really great content.

How do you like to organize your work? This is something that fascinates us here.

I actually really enjoy using Evernote.

Hooray!

I seriously used to organize all of my client notes, and thinking, and attachments, and documentation in my inbox. Like I had a folder for every client and I would just dump all of the communication into the folder. I still cannot believe I functioned like that, and it was for a very long time.

At Brain Traffic—I feel like I’m giving a plug for Evernote, maybe I am—but all of our business development correspondence happens in Evernote. All of our stakeholder interviews and initial discovery and analysis happens in Evernote. We all share different notebooks and folders. I write a lot of my talks in bed in the dark while I’m laying awake at night and can’t fall asleep, and then it’s just like my brain starts going. So I have a very intimate relationship with Evernote where I will just open it up on my phone and dictate into it at like 11 o’clock at night and that is how—I swear to God—that is how a lot of my talk material gets developed out of my brain.

You can hear the complete interview and subscribe to future episodes of “Taking Note” at iTunes, SoundCloud, or Google Play

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