#“I'm just really ocd about keeping my car clean”

[knot-doing-it]

Are people using rejection sensitivity as a way to ignore when someone else says no?

My rejection dysphoria generally shows itself by telling me my doctors don't care about my health, my friends don't want to hang out with me, and that my partner would definitely dump me if anyone ever even brought the possibility to mind.

None of those things involve not accepting other people's "no".

Rejection-sensitive or not, you have to accept when people say “no” and realize that people’s “no” is not about you. A boundary is never about you, it’s about that person’s sense of security. Do not make people’s personal limits a matter of targeted offence.

[p1a9u3]

PeepHole Ch.1: Moving Day

Masterpost Ch.1 - Ch.2 Pairing: Dylan Matthews x Fem Oc

Rating: 18+ (mdni)

Genre: Neighbors/Strangers to Lovers, Smut, Angst, Fluff, Slow-burn

Summary: Moving isn't as exciting as Amoya thought, plus she may have pissed off her new neighbor.

Words: 3.2k

Warnings: (This story takes place in 2024) Mental illness (anxiety, ocd), Violent intrusive thoughts, Language, Age gap (5years), Using phone while driving

Status: Unedited

Author note: This is the first fic that I've ever posted, I've written before but I've never finished anything and published it so don't tear me to shreds, please. I chose to make an oc instead of just writing as a reader mainly because I made a whole character in my head before I wrote this so I decided to just make her an oc, if you would like a post going more into this oc of mine feel free to ask (I might post it anyway because I like her), there is no smut in this chapter btw. Please give me feedback and suggestions, constructive criticism, etc. Don't be a bitch about it though...please. I'm thinking of making this a series POSSIBLY, but I procrastinate a lot so that may never happen. To my fellow troublemakers hopefully, I do Dylan justice and my writing is at least a little bit accurate to his personality. Still, to be fair I'm a fairly new troublemaker having only found out about this man a few weeks ago, so if something isn't accurate please correct me...politely. He's become my new hyper fixation so when I saw there aren't really any fics about him I decided I should make my own so here we are. Anyway with that being said Enjoy <3. Update: Dylan is barely in this chapter

Monday, February 26, 2024 Time: 8:30AM Moving out was less relieving than you thought it would be. Having been by your mother's side for almost all your life, you'd gotten comfortable always having someone around.

'You can't live with your parents forever'

People would remind you whenever the topic of anyone's living situation would be brought up. Being twenty-seven and still living with your mother wasn't something you wanted to keep telling people, no one would take you seriously. Though your mother never pushed for you to move out, never mentioned it actually. You think you know why. You never say anything though, so you deal with the slight embarrassment, and ignore the judgmental stares you get whenever someone brings it up.

'They don't know our relationship'

More excuses you make up to justify your obstinance; and to mask the anxiety you're feeling as finish up packing your U-Haul. You had finished packing your stuff from your shared apartment and were now finishing the few boxes you had in storage. Now in the elevator mustering up the strength to carry the last two boxes back down to the truck. Grabbing the lock you had left on the floor, you place it on top of one of the boxes and stack the box onto the second one, bending down and lifting with a soft grunt. Long strides carrying you to the elevator, you push the down button with your foot. The doors open soon after, you step inside setting the boxes down as you push the bottom floor and wait. Pushing off the wall as the doors open you pick up the boxes once again, you quickly load them up into the U-Haul before grabbing the padlock from on top of the box, and then heading to the front desk of the storage building.

"Here, the unit is clean and empty." You smile at the woman as she takes the lock and keys with a thank you.

Turning on your heels you walk back to your U-Haul giving everything a once-over before locking it all up, now turning your attention to the hitch attached to the back of the Truck where your precious car is hitched too. It was a black and cherry red 1993 Nissan 240SX with a red interior, you had seen it while driving with your mom past a repair shop when you were 25, back then it had no windshield or wheels. You won't lie and say you fixed it yourself but you did invest all the money you had at that time to fix it up and color it how you wanted; you still would say it was worth it. Checking the hitch and chains attached to the bottom of the car making sure everything was set and ready.

"Everything looks good?" Your mother said making you jump

"Yah! A warning ma, please! And yes everything looks good, I packed up the last two boxes and returned the keys and lock to the front desk while you were in the bathroom." You let out a breath calming your heart from the scare you just had, your mom snickering next to you. You turn to her rolling your eyes playfully as you walk to the front of the truck, your mom following behind you.

"Good, let's get on the road." Your mom hops into the passenger seat and rolls down the window. "I wanna get home by Wednesday."

You climb into the driver's seat, buckling your seatbelt then checking your mirrors. You two had agreed on driving to your new apartment, taking turns every 5 hours, once you got there she'd help you unload and unpack on Tuesday, and your mom would then fly back to New Orleans on Wednesday. The more you think about it the more you feel yourself panic a bit.

"Okay."

Time: 9:00AM Starting the car, you let out a breath putting the car in drive and pulling out of the parking lot of the storage building. You could tell your mom was trying to keep herself calm by the way she would rub her right thigh with her right hand, it was a nervous tick she passed down to you. Unfortunately, you were just as nervous, so you decided to turn on the playlist you and your mom made while eating the night before, mixes of all kinds of genres put into one playlist to keep you both entertained during the drive. Pulling off the main road and merging onto the freeway, you glance over to your mom to see her smiling wide looking back at you. She has that look in her eyes, you know it well.

"Its happening ma." You smile back at your mom then look back to the road

Your mother places her hand on your thigh, letting out a long sigh and a soft squeeze before returning it back to her own lap. You see her wipe a single tear from your peripheral; you don't acknowledge it. She'll start bawling the second you tell her not to cry. So you pretend not to see it and start singing along to Erykah Badu, your mom turns the music up a bit and starts singing along too. You smile to yourself as you glance out your side window, watching as familiar buildings pass by in a blur, You think you'll miss this place. No, you know you will, but a part of you is kinda excited, relieved almost. You've silently always longed to live on your own, but another part of you calls you selfish for even wanting that until now

'How could want to leave your mother'

You know it's normal to want to move out of your parent's home, every grown adult has to move out at some point, and twenty-seven is a perfectly normal age to do so, You wanted to move when you were twenty-four. Hell, some people live with their parents till they are far in their thirties.

'But you know your mother may need you right'

All your brothers have moved out, they are doing good on their own, and you're the only one left. It was only a matter of time; you tell yourself. Your mom will be fine, she's dating a new man who treats her great and takes care of her. Hell he tried to hire a moving crew to move all your stuff, but you wanted to do it yourself and your mom wasn't going to let you drive almost halfway across the country by yourself.

'you could've found a place closer to her you know'

Phoenix, Arizona. You chose Phenix simply because it was affordable for you and close to LA, your mom agreed it was a good choice. There is work in LA, California is just so expensive, so you chose the next best thing. The apartment is nice from what you saw as well, one bedroom, two baths with a study. It was perfect for you.

Time: 11:23AM The drive was going well so far, your mother eating a bag of chips she packed along with all the other snacks and drinks. You were eating a Honeybun, one of your favorite snacks, and drinking water. Your mom had turned off the music and started watching YouTube with mostly commentary so you could listen and drive, Right now a video was playing talking about some ice cream drama in North Dakota. Author note: if you watched this video featuring Dylan is in Trouble, I know it's technically in the future but I don't care, this is all fake anyway. You found it interesting and kinda funny, laughing every now and then when your mom would pause to add her opinion. About two-thirds of the way into the video you glance down at the screen, there are two guys now instead of one, and one of them is wearing glasses, you glance back down looking at the title of the video 'Insane Local Ice Cream Shop Drama (w/ Dylan Is In Trouble)' You made a mental note of the second guy's name for later, his voice was nice you told yourself, he was also fine as fuck. You leaned your seat back as far as it would go, which wasn't very far, getting comfortable. You still have two more hours left to drive.

Time: 12:35PM Your mom had fallen asleep about ten minutes ago, YouTube was still playing, The next video had been the same guy as before. You looked down for a second, looking at the title of the video that had been playing for about fifteen minutes. 'Guessing Finales After ONE Episode (ft. Dylan Is In Trouble)' You smile to yourself a bit recognizing the name at the end of the title, you let the video play just listening to the guy talk for ten more minutes. You caught yourself smiling again when you recognized the second guy's voice as he joined in for the rest of the video, you took a sip of your water glancing down at the video, seeing him pop on screen whenever he had something to say

"he's funny." You mutter to yourself quietly, thinking out loud.

The video had ended and your lips fell back into their original position, as an ad played before the next queued-up video, you looked down at your GPS. 1322 miles to go; you let out a sigh.

'200 miles closer to leaving you mom'

She was helping you unpack, so you technically wouldn't be leaving her really. If anything she was leaving you since she had to fly back home. You prop your left elbow on the open window, your left hand holding the steering wheel, and your right hand comes down to your thigh, rubbing small circles back and forth.

'What happens if Devon goes back home'

Your oldest brother Devon was working at a mental facility. He was on his medication and was doing good, he managed to get a job there and has been making decent money. He was doing fine, He is doing fine.

'What if he stops taking his medication again.'

They will keep tabs on him, they know his habits, his symptoms, He is fine.

'Has another episode and gets out'

That wouldn't happen. He's fine

'He'll be there when mom gets back'

No.

"Hes gonna ki-'

-beep! beep! beep!-

Time: 2:00PM Your mom's alarm goes off, making you jump a bit. Reaching over to turn it off, your mom moans a bit as she wakes up from her short nap, stretching her arms a bit as she yawns.

"Jeste li spremni za promjenu." she yawns out, going for a sip of her water ( translation: Are you ready to switch)

Your mother's Croatian tends to slip when she's just woken up, or delirious. You nod your head looking at the next exit sign to find a gas station, spotting a Love's off the side of the freeway. Slipping off the freeway you pull up to the gas station before parking next to a pump.

"Bathroom?" You look over at your mom, she nods, unbuckling her seatbelt and hopping out of the truck, you do the same.

You both enter opposing stalls to relieve yourselves of all the water you had been drinking, washing your hands after. Your mother heads back to the truck to pump the gas as you browse the aisles for any extra snacks, spotting a honeybun you instinctively grab one, then two, and head to the cashier. You place your honeybuns on the counter and then look up at the cashier who seems to be invested in something on her phone, she wasn't wearing headphones phone volume at maybe thirty percent, you could hear what she was watching. You recognize the voice, the cashier finally looks up from her phone quickly apologizing for not paying attention.

"Oh I'm so sorry, will this be all" She quickly rings up the two honeybuns.

"No you're fine, that'll be it actually." You dismissively wave your hand pulling out your wallet to pay.

Looking down you notice her phone, she had put it on the counter, and the video on it had been paused but on the screen was that guy again, though it seemed to be a video of his own this time. You pull out some cash and hand it to the young woman behind the counter, she takes the cash, counts it, and then goes to get your change.

"No, it's fine, keep the change" Flashing a smile then grabbing your honeybuns you take another glance at the women's screen before it turns off from being left alone for too long.

Opening the passenger seat door, you climb into the seat buckling yourself in. Pulling out of the gas station your mom pulls off back onto the freeway continuing your journey. You pull out the bag you had brought for little activities, pulling out your book of choice. You had splurged at a Barnes and Noble a few weeks before you began packing, picking up a bunch of books you had either heard good things about or had been wanting to read. Red Rising was one of the books, it was also the one you were currently holding.

"I'm gonna put my headphones on, so you can listen to whatever you want." You tell your mom as you put your headphones on and pull out your phone.

You had gotten the book on Audible a while back and wanted to read and listen at the same time. Pressing play you turn to the first chapter and begin reading as the narrator spoke. Your mom seemed to have put music on, you could feel the bass as she turned up the volume and began singing along.

Time: 10:56PM Hours had passed, it was your turn now with two hours left till your next switch. Your mother was knocked out, lightly snoring as you drove in silence, you had stopped reading once you had switched. You also decide to put off reading it until you were moved in, the book had grabbed your attention, so much so, that you wanted to be able to focus on it solely; so you chose to wait. You had a couple hundred miles left to go and things were sinking in more as you drove silently. Your mind doing its usual thing, making you worry about things that most likely won't happen, even if it did, you know it wouldn't be your fault. You couldn't help but think maybe it would be though, it was a dumb thought but you couldn't help it

'What was that guys name again'

Your brain blanked for a second, random but ok, your brain goes back to the YouTube video your mom had been watching, that cashier was watching him as well. Dylan is in Trouble, you wonder what kind of videos he makes, most likely commentary. You pull your phone out glancing down and go to YouTube, you use the voice to text and hold your phone up to your mouth.

"Dylan is in trouble"

You press search, going back and forth between looking at your phone and watching the road. You look down to find his channel, press his icon, and scroll through some of his videos. Movie commentary is what you mostly see, occasionally you'd spot something different, you decided you'd dive into his channel later when you weren't driving.

Time: 5:00AM You were in the driver's seat, you had let your mom sleep more after she had been driving for about three hours. She was up now though, you could tell things were starting to catch up to her again. She was fidgeting a lot more now, well so were you, she looked very tense. She helped you find this apartment, but you assume she wants to see the neighborhood for herself, in person, wants to see how good the security is and what the neighbors are like. It's only natural, she's a mother and her only daughter is moving twenty hours away from her. You look down at your phone, your GPS says you are pulling up now, you look around the area, it was very nice, wasn't too far from the city. You spot the complex to the left, it was pretty big with multiple sections with apartments, you were building three, kind of in the middle of everything. You pull into the complex parking in front of the leasing office to speak to your landlord and to get your keys, your mom comes with you of course, sizing everything up.

"Hi welcome to Arts District Apartments, it's Amaya correct, my name is George?" An old-looking man stands from his desk, his hand reaching out to shake yours

"Thank you, George, it's Amoya actually" You reach out and shake his hand with a smile.

You two talk a bit about the complex and its rules etc. Your mom chimed in every now and then to ask her questions. Before you know it you're unloading the truck into your new apartment, you're realizing now that you didn't have as much stuff as you thought. The last thing you had left was your bed, you and your mom had been doing well with just the two of you, but after you two had gotten the mattress inside your mother's back began to bother her. Now you had your bed frame, you told your mom to relax for now and that you could get the frame up yourself. Partial lie, you previously took apart the bed frame and so there were mainly long pieces that weren't too heavy except the backboard, that thing was heavy as fuck, luckily you had a dolly at the storage building to help you carry it out, but now you have to carry it to the elevator and down the hall. You managed to get it down from the truck, and from there you lifted it and sped walked to the elevator, almost dropping the bed frame on your foot as you set it down to push the button. The doors had closed on you twice as you tried to pick the frame back up and lift it into the elevator, but alas you made it, now on the third floor and outside the elevator. You took pride in your body, you considered yourself strong, regularly went to the gym, and you would say your legs were the strongest part of your body, with that being said, you tried to make as little noise as possible since it was still early in the morning, you lost your footing. You were almost there, your door being right in front of you; but you fell. Landing on the door behind you hitting your head with a very loud thud.

"Bumbo." You whisper yelled at yourself in Jamaican as you set the frame down and leaned off of the door. (translation: Fuck)

Holding the frame upright you walk around it reaching for your door, the frame slipping from your fingers and falling against your neighbor's door again. You prayed that your new neighbor was either a very deep sleeper or wasn't home right now, though maybe you didn't pray hard enough. You lift the bed frame from your neighbor's door, getting your phone to get your mom to hold the door open for you so you can slide it the rest of the way inside. Stopping, you hear the door behind you click open. Your bed frame blocked your view of whoever had stepped out, but you could hear him.

Ch.1 - Ch.2

Updated Author note: Hopefully this was an enjoyable first chapter or part. The apartment is just a random apartment complex I saw on Zillow, everything in this is all fictional besides the YouTube videos and things that are obviously real. Anyway, I have decided to make this a series, I've gone into too much detail on little things like Amoya's intrusive thoughts and all that, and it'd be a waste to shorten and delete half of what I put and speed through everything, Amoya's intrusive thoughts and anxiety is a trait I added from myself, so you'll notice a lot of internal thinking and scenarios she makes up in her head. Hopefully, the idea is as cool as what I thought of in my head. If this does well, I will upload the other chapters one after the other, If it does bad I'll just delete everything, but please be patient I procrastinate a lot and I want the writing to be good. Please be honest and let me know how you all feel about this, if you like the writing, the main character, the pacing, the storyline, length, anything, and everything, I need criticism but don't be a bitch about it.

[obsessive-bear-walking]

Trigger warning for discussion of OCD themes, which can trigger people who suffer from OCD.

This post was made so that it could be reblogged and possibly prompt people to do more research. However, it is not required to reblog this post. Not reblogging this post is morally neutral, no one will be harmed and nothing bad will happen if you choose not to reblog it!

I'm only able to cover a very small amount of information, please do your research and take my words with a grain of salt and do further reading if youre interested, I am not an all-knowing being.

So I know most of y'all you think OCD is just about being really clean and that's not your fault but it's super important that y'all understand that

1. Contamination isn't always about germs.

2. That even when it is about germs what that really looks like.

3. OCD can also present as serious morality or religious issues, harm issues, there is an actual subset of ocd called Hit and Run ocd which is a fear of hitting someone with your car people have actually quit driving because of this, skin picking compulsions, etc. There is so much more than wanting to be clean and tidy all the time. (This does not mean that people with "Just Right" ocd or ocd people have tics and compulsions related to cleaning do not exist. They do exist and they are deserving of compassion and consideration when discussing OCD education and acceptance.)

On top of just germs, people with ocd can fear being contaminated by bigotry(Oh look, it's me!), personalities, radioactivity, soap, newspaper, colors, thoughts, words. Anything really.

Even when it is just being "clean" it can be a lot more complicated than that.

"One unusual belief sufferers have is that very small amounts of contaminants can cover very large areas. For example, they may believe that a drop of blood or urine can somehow be spread to coat entire rooms, or even everything they own." - International OCD Foundation

People with OCD having contamination issues is a stereotype but if we know anything about other stereotypes (Such as the stereotype that gay men are high femme) plenty of people fit the stereotype yet are still valid. I personally didn't develop contamination issues with fecal matter until recently despite being able to trace my ocd symptoms back more than a decade.

Morality and religious OCD are extremely common. Here are some examples of both from OCDLA (souce, source) Which is why a lot of content on Tumblr is harmful to OCD people.

Also, reassurance is actually bad for folks with OCD. Which is extremely difficult but very important to know. I sometimes struggle to not reassure people with OCD, it feels cold and callus to say "I won't reassure you." And it would be to anyone else, but seeking reassurance is a compulsion. This is because of how OCD works. To ask for reassurance is often a compulsion for OCD people, it can and often does become addicting while not being helpful.

Which brings me to my next topic:

Compulsions and tics can be just about anything. They can involve counting, tapping, movements, arranging, checking. There is even "just right" OCD where something have to be repeated several times until it is "correct".

The most effective treatment for OCD is medication and ERP (Exposure and Response prevention) which seeks to stop the cycle at the Obsessive Thought and reduce anxiety and therefore stop compulsions. Which essentually trains you to not have as much of a physical reation to your intrusive thoughts. Which is also why statements like "being disturbed by your intrusive thoughts makes you a good person" are actually harmful and inaccurate.

"Unfortunately, with OCD, your brain tells you that you are in danger a lot, even in situations where you “know” that there is a very small likelihood that something bad might happen. This is one of the cruelest parts of this disorder.

Now consider that your compulsive behaviors are your attempts to keep yourself safe when that alarm goes off. What does that mean you are telling your brain when you engage in these behaviors? You are reinforcing the brain’s idea that you must be in danger. Birthday candles are the same as a blazing fire.

In other words, your compulsive behavior fuels that part of your brain that gives out these many unwarranted alarm signals. The bottom line is that in order to reduce your anxiety and your obsessions, you have to make a decision to stop the compulsive behaviors." - International OCD foundation.

Pure-O OCD also exists, which has more mental than physical conpulsions.

Important final note: Thought crimes are not real. Enforcing that they are actively harms people with OCD and no, you can't just say "unless they cause you distress!" because you can still be a decent person while reacting less and less to your intrusive thoughts as that is literally the goal of most ocd treatments. Thoughts are morally neutral.

[first-ex-wife]

anyway when I was 23, I was working in a high school as a custodian. it was not necessarily Fun and tbh one of the other custodians was a cunt we still hope explodes, so definitely I was probably lonely as per usual

when I was cleaning one of the classrooms I ran into a student who was still linger around the school. she asked me about my day and since this was night shift, I did try to do stuff before work so I was like "oh yeah I tried to do some writing". she seemed sweet and she wanted to hear more about my writing. again, I'm lonely and suddenly someone shows interest, even if she is maybe just 16

so I tell her some of the basic premise and she seems super interested and over the weeks I run into her a bit more and she keeps asking about it

we hit Christmas break and I know I'm not returning to this school as a custodian cause it'll be too hard with my return to my own education so I tell her when I run into her that the Friday before Christmas is my last day. she seems sad, and in fact, that Friday, she makes me a lovely card, handwritten and beautiful, and it includes her phone number so that we can keep talking and I can tell her more about my writing

I'm flattered and I really do love sharing about my stories so I come up with a little guide to my OCs that I'm so excited to send her. I text her, and she says she'll take a look at it but she is fairly busy, which I understand

I text her to check in. she's still busy. not very communicative

I stop texting

she never responds

and I just realize like... how fucking pathetic am I? 23 talking to a maybe 16 year old. trying to be her friend. because I think she cares about my writing. because she gave me the attention I desperately crave. she doesn't fucking care. I'm a loser. she probably sent her friends my desperate text messages to mock me

I'm 26 and entirely too old to still be feeling like this. but I am still lonely. I'm in the car with a new friend and her friend and I mention my writing and she seems intrigued so I say I could send her the guide to my OCs. I do, and when I get a message back, it's about something entirely different

she asks me about the fact I mentioned intrusive thoughts and I'm like "yeah, I have OCD. in fact, I was just projecting about that in my writing". I send her a snippet. she says it's really good and she'd love to read more. I tell her there's so much more where that came from if she wants to read more. we're messaging over instagram. she views my stories but still hasn't opened my message

I'm pathetic and easily won over by the first sign of interest in me. lies entirely to seem nice. people who act like they care just long enough to get you excited and break your heart over and over again

I wonder why I bother. maybe I should just shut up

[i-may-be-paranoid]

the really annoying thing about talking about my ocd (because I've accepted that's what it is now) is that technically all my concerns are logically justifiable, so it's not immediately obvious as A Problem, especially when the only other person in the house ALSO has ocd and just heightened anxiety in general and therefore isn't the best person to tell me if what I'm doing/feeling is normal. it's just all so easy to justify my pathological responses to myself, and that's why I haven't recognized them for what they are for so long!

when I talked to my mom about it today, she mentioned stuff that I'd almost forgotten going as far back as when I was 7 — just before the 1st Grade Lice Epidemic (afaik that's a rite of passage all american public schoolers go through, though I was spared actually catching the lice myself), I watched Neil DeGrasse Tyson's reboot of Cosmos, and became obsessively afraid of body lice and lead poisoning. when my grandmother moved into a new house that was built before anyone had any standards about lead poisoning, I refused to even enter (this was when I was like 10?). sometime during elementary school, I read a firsthand account of the bombings of Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and uh. that altered me. I still remember some of the descriptions of people's deaths. I think that's when the fear of nuclear disaster started. I remember obsessing over a chart of the effects and survivability of a nuclear bomb that I saw in a science magazine in like elementary or middle school, and I was terrified to go within 5 miles of a nuclear power plant or even a particle accelerator for years afterward. it even affected my college choices (until I learned that if the particle accelerator on the campus I was worried about were to have a worst case scenario, no radiation would even escape the building). and then in high school I learned about Chernobyl's parking lot. all the cars in there are made of metal that will be irradiated for thousands of years to come. it's blotted off of google maps to keep people from looking for it, but the security there is lax enough that sometimes people get in and grab scrap metal to sell on the black market. because of this, I was terrified to touch anything made of/with metal for a while there. I could barely handle doorknobs. it was torture, believing that any metal object could have come from negligent manufacturers whose supply chain might eventually lead back to the black market. and practically everything I interact with in daily life has metal in it. I was even more afraid to get in cars than usual, until my mom told me about how thorough car manufacturers are legally required to be when it comes to checking their materials for radiation and vetting their suppliers. l think I finally managed to calm my brain down by reminding myself that if anything I interacted with daily was irradiated, then I had been exposed to it for years with no noticeable ill-effects. for some reason, this did not stop me from freaking out when I realized that the smoke detector just outside my bedroom (likely) contained americium. I insisted that we replace it with a non-ionization smoke detector as soon as possible… until I researched further and found that it only emitted alpha radiation, which doesn't get very far and can be blocked with substances like, say, human skin or the casing of a smoke detector. embarrassing.

both of my radiation-related episodes left me so scared I could scarcely leave my bed, but they were relatively short-lived. the stuff I deal with on a daily basis is based on much more "normal"-seeming concerns, just taken to an unhealthy degree. like earlier today when, after thoroughly washing my bathroom trash can under water so hot it hurt, I got itchy all over from anxiety. I was almost convinced that I Had Something On Me, so I washed my arms with hot water and dish soap as well. fortunately I restrained myself from scratching until I had completely cleaned my fingernails, trimmed them, and cleaned the nail clipper under the same hot water and dish soap. dawn is my salvation lol. I still have scratch marks on my forearms, though. my mom tried to reassure me that this was reasonable, and it was technically good for me — now I don't have to avoid using my own bathroom for fear of a full trashcan and a few gnats — but like. that was still stressful as hell and also part of a greater pattern of mental illness. usually my contamination ocd actually prevents me from doing necessary cleaning because that would require Getting Into The Nastiness. basically my avoidant response runs rampant until the thing I'm avoiding gets so bad I'm forced to deal with it… that seems to be a common theme with me just in general. jesus christ tumblr says I've typed too much in this paragraph under the readmore and need to shut the fuck up. anyway this is all just a list of my Ocd Moments because I keep forgetting that That Was A Symptom All Along and I need to have it written down somewhere. there's probably more I'm forgetting lmao

[nathank77]

6/18/24

2:19 p.m

Well I took the second tiny piece of xanax at like 1:25 a.m. I closed my eyes around 1:50 a.m and I slept solidly until my alarm went off at 8:15 a.m. I could have fallen back to sleep but I didn't let myself so I only got like 5 hours and 45 minutes of sleep maximum. I'm sticking to this schedule and give up time for an all nighter is 4 a.m. I will take my xanax at 10 p.m tonight. And everyday from here on out. Obv I'm taking a 1mg tonight bc of my testosterone shot tomorrow.

I will try to go back to a half mg on thursday... I doubt it'll work I'll have to prob accept my tolerance raising. I'm not going back to my old circadian rhythm. I refuse. I get so much more done I can make phone calls I can go places. So we will see how it goes.

I'm about ready to kill myself tbh. I'm starting to care less and less about myself. Sure I'm taking care of myself and trying really hard but I'm sick of panicking about sleep. I'm beyond sick of hallucinating constantly. Despite all my efforts and everything I do I hallucinate constantly bc I can't get out of this fucking toxic environment.

I couldn't be any more functional than I am other than working tbh. Atm I'm doing some laundry. I still got that last box of stuff from the attic that came from my dresser i can't do it today cause my mom needed to do some laundry. I started my good clothes when I woke up so I can finish that.

I went up to the attic and took all the stuff from the keepsake pile in the hallway and organized it in the "clean room" keepsake pile. The hallway is ready for the storage bins that are coming Friday. I'm done with the attic until then. Not including washing those clothes but I'm not going back up there until Friday.

I somewhat regret going up to the attic first I didn't realize today was so hot. I showered when I came downstairs cause I was drenched and felt nasty and I was going to go grocery shopping today instead of tomorrow to expose myself to sunlight since my testosterone shot is tomorrow but I would have showered after I sweat in the car so I'll just go tomorrow.

Now I'm re-doing my posters in my room. My old set up when I first moved in never got changed when I moved my furniture around the first time and then after getting my new furniture. So why not. I got to keep myself busy.

Dad never called me back I left a voicemail yesterday.

I'm legit more functional than I've ever been yet my brain won't recover and sleep has to be an accomplishment... and now I'm worried about raising my tolerance I never really wanted to do that. I just wanted extra for an emergency. I planned to be throwing out the old stuff next year as I accumulated more emergency pills....

I'm so fucking lonely. At this point I'm doing the attic and organizing my life so when I kill myself my family won't have a mess to clean up. I mean sure I'm going to keep trying for a while but let's be real:

1) I'm on disability for ocd bc it's BAD

2) I'm trans and it's not 2050 or something people won't give me a chance.

3) I hear voices... and yea I can keep it a secret for a while but eventually I got to tell them and it could make then run for the hills....

4) I live with my mom and am poor for life.

What do I have to offer someone? A guy who talks and cries in his sleep from ptsd. A guy who can't work. A guy who can't even wash a dish. A guy who would only serve the purpose of a stay at home dad. Women want a provider. In this economy I mean it's kinda hard not to have both parents working.

I'm never going to be a father. I'm never going to be on a birth certificate. I'm never going to get married. I'm never going to have not toxic people in my life. And when everyone starts dying I'll regret that I didn't spend more time with my toxic family.

I'll never stop hallucinating. Sleep will never be a given instead of an accomplishment and I can't work on my ocd with this voice. And beyond that if I kill myself Kristen loses her license. .

I mean all I'm saying is no I'm not planning it but one more all nighter. I mean if months keep going by and I find no girl to talk to. If I don't see changes I'm done.

My life is intolerable. I have nothing but a roof over my head and a pot to shit in. That's it. I thought at 33 my life would be more than this. It isn't. It's never going to be.

I think about what I have to live for or look forward to. My siblings who will start to hate me Connor is already.. and then the idea that someone could love the shattered pieces that I am. That someone can see a mosaic instead of broken peices but they won't.

This is my life and it hasn't changed and never will change and the only ways in which it will change is for the worst. I thought Massachusetts was the worst thing that ever happened to me I laugh now. Microsleeping and auditory hallucinations that never end is and I don't want to pretend I'm alive anymore.

I'm not living. I'm surviving and that's all I've ever done. And it's all I'll ever do.

I'll never go on a vacation. I'll never experience anything but misery and it's just fact.

[allysuunnnninwonderlandcx]

2023

its been over a year.. a year and almost a month to be exact, since you last heard from me.

don't worry don't worry. I didn't kill myself. i am alive. yippee I guess.

2023 has been...interesting. here's the recap:

January 2023

I got a new car and got to go to mobile for the new year. it was fun but it also sucked. it was the first time I realized how different Elliot and I were. I was working a, at first, good job, and I had my own place with a friend's sister.

February 2023

I was deep in my depression and trying hard to cope with being an actual adult with bills, and was overly stressed

march 2023

It was a good month, I went to the beach with Elliot, we bonded..alot and it was amazing. I realized our differences were the same, but we had our own way of voicing the same problems we were noticing. I also learned that my depression was always there, and it affects me to a point where I do not think I can come back. I also got a new job

April 2023

I was working my new job. it was amazing. I started to really want to be my own person, but couldn't figure out how. I also got really bad ocd about cleaning bc of my roommate..she was not that clean of a person.

may 2023

alot happened here and it was a big turning point for me. this entire month was way harder than anything I have felt since my ex. I was depressed and stressed and was fighting hard to keep myself from projecting and worrying people I love. Elliot and I went to ATL to see the braves, and that Monday night on our way back, I asked him what would he do if I just killed myself, unprompted. he was shocked and concerned. that night I was going to kms once he left. I had an amazing trip and I loved and love Elliot dearly. but I think I was so far in the depression that it was hard for me to mask these things at this point. he stated with me that night, but we went no contact for a few says after this incident. a few days later, he asked me to get therapy and the help I needed or he was going to have to walk away.. I choose to keep working on myself and our relationship. I went to therapy that next week. Elliot and I set great boundaries in our relationship and it was a big turning point in our relationship.

June 2023

Elliot and I are doing better. boundaries are being met. I'm in the full swing of therapy, and feeling alot better, with some ups and downs here and there. Elliot went on a beach trip, and I felt so lonely without him. its when I realized I needed to make more friends and not want to rely on him so much. I learned that I needed to love myself and being alone With myself. Elliot also got ready to study abroad, so this would help. I also got to help Elliot and his sister with a Minecraft camp they do!

July 2023

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and the big one, Bipolar 2. welp. all those years saying I was bipolar as a joke became true lmao. I started go to a psychiatrist in the middle of this month. I also moved out of my apartment because I was drunk and said some fuck shit lmao. oh whale.

august 2023

Elliot is back, I'm finally getting into the full swing of my medications and I am feeling more...okay I guess you could say. we are really happy and he and I are doing well. I am back at home with my parents but I am working hard and doing all I can to see and be with Elliot. so far I am nervous and scared to tell them whenever I am going to his place or just going to be with him in general.

September 2023

I left my job and got a new one, the drive was my main factor. it was about 40ish minutes away from my house, and 1hr 10 from Elliots. I needed a shorty commute. got a new job, and its cool. decided to lay low and keep to myself like I did at my old job but alloooooootttt less. it also came with a whole 2 dollar pay raise sooooo hell yeah. 30 mins from my parents. 40 from Elliots. ill take it.

October 2023

short month. don't recall alot happened here. just wanting to spend more time with Elliot.

November 2023

its our birthday month. I also have been medicated for about 6 months from this point. I'm pretty chill now I suppose. I am enjoying life. and oh yeah, I did mushrooms for the first time while crossed with weed. it was amazing. 10/10 want to do it again asap lmao. I also moved back into a babyroom. I really start to bond with the baby teachers and have been loving it. it is more of a family here than the last place.

December 2023

well here we are. this year has been pretty amazing. I have enjoyed it. honestly..this year was my 2018 year. how well everything was going. now that means 2024 will be my 2019...the best year I have had yet to date.

I am asking for an amazing year next year. to finally stick to routines, working out, being energetic, being productive, staying onto of me writing and reading, and having people to hold me be accountable for once. I am hoping for the best year I could ever have. I am hoping Elliot and I continue to have the best time together and just work through all the hardships we could possible have. for us to both be strong individually and to mentally prepared for this new time in our life that is about to happen. I am asking the universe, god, and anyone else who will listen, to allow him to get all his dreams to come true, all his worries to go away and from him to continue to have the guidance and maturity he has. I am asking the universe, god, and anyone else who will listen to allow me to continue to be strong. for me to continue to better myself and let go of the things and people who do not better me in anyway. I am asking for financial guidance, mental guidance and anything else you could give me. I am asking for you to cast all my self doubts of not being able to lose weight, stay healthy, going to the gym, being productive and so much more away. I am asking that you to keep me going.

2023. thank you. its been something. until next time.

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 92

I feel like utter shit.

About a day or two before I left for this camping car trip I started stressing out because I knew it was going to be hell for me with my OCD. Basically, the entire thing is, in my head, dirty. At all times. Except maybe the bed, which inevitably gets dirty because I'm never perfectly clean. Which means I never actually feel fully clean :')

I could bear it so far, but things keep getting worse. Not just this but also the fact I cannot stand to see my mom so proud of herself for "eating twice a day" even though all she is doing is eating barely as much as she usually would in one meal, but spread over two meals. And she's convincing herself that this is what two whole meals are. And she's proud of herself. And every 5 seconds I'm THIS CLOSE to snapping back at her but I know that would be so fucking shitty because she's an anorexic and even if it's not much, or practically nothing, it's still an effort. And I want to encourage her, but how can I encourage her when what she's doing is still REALLY harmless and she's convincing herself it's good for her?!

Secondly, my grandma on my dad's side is sick. Probably because her cleaning lady who comes once a week did not wear a mask although she was fucking sick, possibly with Covid. I fucking despise people. I'm really worried about my grandma. She's really tired and has a big fever. I'm praying she'll be okay soon. Have I mentioned I hate people?

Thirdly, things got a bit strange with my grandpa. At dinner we talked about my plans for the future and I basically explained I didn't know what I was going to do, and he turned quiet, just like my grandma did when I explained it to her just a few hours before we left for our trip. They don't say anything but I know they're fucking disappointed because they will never see, never know, never understand that I am MENTALLY ILL. Very ill. And that's why I can't do shit. Worse thing is, when I jokingly said "I'm going to become a prostitute", my grandpa said, not looking me in the eyes, with a face torn with disgust and just looking so condescending, he said he would be really disappointed. A calm tone but you could feel all the disgust, and even if it was just a joke, the fact he could be disgusted of me, his OWN BLOOD, just made me feel so... wrong.

I finished reading "Loveless" by Alice Oseman. It was amazing. I also read a second book.

I just got out the shower and my grandpa got angry at me for being in there too long although the water was running for no more than 4 minutes I think? I don't know.

I feel shit.

The new BTR album is fucking WONDERFUL. But I'm never going to matter to them or be known by them the way I wish I was, like some other American fans.

Bye :)

[caffeinatedopossum]

So I realized that I basically only talked about skin picking here but since I'm semi-anonymous on here, I will divulge into some of the obsessive thoughts I have. If any of you have experience with ocd or anything else that might cause this, I'd like to know what you think because I'm scared amd confused and this is severely impacting my life.

This is gonna be under a readmore though because its long and it might be triggering (mentions of disgust, death, sexual things etc) and also it is just incredibly personal. Please just keep that in mind.

The worst ones are probably thoughts about sexual things- I'm asexual and over the years, it's been repeatedly implied that I DO want sex but don't know it, which leads to severe disgust, anxiety, repulsion, etc around anything sex-related and also fears of r@pe (fear that I have been and don't remember, that I need to have been to justify how I feel, and/or that I will be at any given time). There's also thought spirals along the lines of "Well maybe I do secretly want it..." which just makes everything awful in so many ways.

Anyways, do not imply I secretly want sex. So so many people have done this and it's just incredibly triggering and a kind of fucked up thing to say to anyone honestly. Please also avoid implying that I need to be "fixed" (I intend to work on the repulsion and stuff because it sucks but there's nothing wrong with my sexuality) or that I'm like this because of trauma.

That just leads back to the obsessive thoughts that I need to have had certain things happen to me to justify feeling the way I do. Also don't give me any personal stories of "Oh I USED TO BE asexaul/sex repulsed", anything along those lines. I'm glad you understand yourself better but thats not what I need to hear.

Another thought I get caught up in is thinking about people I love dying, just completely immersing myself in the worst scenarios possible. I imagine that it was my fault and I feel nothing.

Or that I need to prevent their deaths by doing anything I can. For example, thoughts like "my girlfriend will die from overworking herself because she's trying to support me. If I work harder however I can (mostly in the form of drawing, cleaning, or exercising in an effort to somehow become NOT disabled. Even if it means depriving myself of sleep or rest. Spoiler: it hasn't worked -_-) then maybe she won't die".

Or just randomly "x person will get in a car crash/they're late because they got in a car crash", "x person will off themselves because I'm not texting them (leads to >) I'm a bad friend (leads to >) I'm a bad person" Even things like hearing an ambulance siren can make me jump to "someone I know is dying".

God now that I'm typing it out I'm realizing there's actually a lot so I'm just gonna summarize everything else I can think of. There's also a lot of repetitive thoughts about myself and my own safety, health, morality, etc. I worry that I'm dying, that I will be killed, that I'm a bad person for various reasons, that I have a medical condition (I do actually have several which I think makes this worse), that I'll be in a position to save someone with self sacrifice but will save myself instead.

Sometimes I spend hours just googling medical conditions and the like (medicine is one of my special interests though so idk, I don't see that as a bad thing and I enjoy it) or check my pulse repeatedly to make sure my heart hasn't stopped. I worry about having specific conditions, like fatal familial insomnia, and ironically the worrying keeps me up, sometimes for days without sleeping pills.

I also worry a lot that I'll mistreat my pets, either intentionally in a fit of uncharacteristic rage, or accidentally as an effect of my very poor memory/tendency to forget things. It's so bad that I actually have nightmares about harming animals and it's really upsetting :((

Anyway idk if I can think of anymore or if I just don't want to think about this anymore but yeah hopefully that was enough to like make what I was talking about make sense or at least give it some context. Also for context, I have DID and ptsd, generalized anxiety, agoraphobia, autism, adhd, and ehlers danlos syndrome, all of which disable me.

I think one of the reasons I try not to bring up thinking I might have ocd is because I already have so many conditions and I know a lot of people will look at that and see me just carelessly self diagnosing with everything I can think of, which isn't the case. It's true I have health anxiety but that just pushes me to inform myself about conditions. I promise I put a lot of thought and conversations with people who know me and people who actually have these conditions into these things before I say I have them

Me: *stuck in an anxious thought loop where I obsessively consider whether or not I have ocd*

Also me: no I do not have ocd. This is normal behavior that people without ocd exhibit

[kegiostoyslut12345]

The Search by NF

"Hey, Nate, how's life?" I don't know, it's alright I've been dealin' with some things like every human being And really didn't sleep much last night (last night) "I'm sorry", that's fine I just think I need a little me time I just think I need a little free time Little break from the shows and the bus rides (bus rides), yeah Last year I had a breakdown Thoughts tellin' me I'm lost gettin' too loud Had to see a therapist, then I found out Somethin' funny's goin' on up in my house Yeah, I started thinkin' maybe I should move out You know, pack my car, take a new route Clean up my yard, get the noose out Hang up my heart, let it air out (air out) I've been searchin' "What does that mean, Nate?" I've been learning Grabbin' my keepsakes, leavin' my burdens Well, I brought a few with me, I'm not perfect Lookin' at the view like, this concerns me Pickin' up the cues, right? I'm quite nervous Hate it when I lose sight, life gets blurry And things might hurt me It's prolly gonna be a long journey, but hey (but hey) It's worth it, though Cold world out there, kids, grab your coats Been a minute, I know, now I'm back to roam Lookin' for the antidote to crack the code Pretty vivid, I admit it, I'm in classic mode Don't need pity given to me, but I can't condone Talkin' down to me, I'ma have to crack your nose for crackin' jokes I'm lookin' for the map to hope, you seen it? (You seen it?) Been makin' a whole lot of changes Wrote a song about that, you should play it I get scared when I walk on these stages I look at the crowd and see so many faces, yeah That's when I start to get anxious That's when my thoughts can be dangerous That's when I put on my makeup and drown in self-hatred Forget what I'm saying, and

Where'd the beat go? Oh, ain't that somethin'? Drums came in, you ain't see that comin' Hands on my head, can't tell me nothin' Got a taste of the fame, had to pump my stomach Throw it back up like I don't want it Wipe my face, clean up my vomit OCD, tryna push my buttons I said don't touch it, now y'all done it I can be critical, never typical Intricate with every syllable, I'm a criminal Intimate, but never political, pretty visual Even if you hate it, I'll make it feel like you're in it, though You call me what you wanna, but never call me forgettable Leave you deep in thought, I could never swim in the kiddie pool Way that I been thinkin' is cinematic, it's beautiful Man, I don't know if I'm makin' movies or music videos (videos, videos, videos)

Yeah, the sales can rise Doesn't mean much though when your health declines See, we've all got somethin' that we trapped inside That we try to suffocate, you know, hopin' it dies Try to hold it underwater but it always survives Then it comes up out of nowhere like an evil surprise Then it hovers over you to tell you millions of lies You don't relate to that? Must not be as crazy as I am The point I'm makin' is the mind is a powerful place And what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way It's pretty cool, right? Yeah, but it's not always safe Just hang with me, this'll only take a moment, okay? Just think about it for a second, if you look at your face Every day when you get up and think you'll never be great You'll never be great, not because you're not, but the hate Will always find a way to cut you up and murder your faith (woo!)

I am developin', take a look at the benefits Nothin' to meddle with, I can never be delicate Am I even relevant? That depends how you measure it Take a measurement, then bag it up and give me the evidence Pretty evident, dependable can never be tentative I'm a gentleman, depending on if I think you're genuine Pretty elegant, but not afraid to tell you to get a grip Proper etiquette, I keep it to myself when I celebrate, ah (ah) It's that time again Better grab your balloons and invite your friends Seatbelts back on, yeah, strap 'em in Look at me, everybody, I'm smilin' big On a road right now that I can't predict Tell me "Tone that down, " but I can't resist Y'all know that sound, better raise your fist The search begins, I'm back, so enjoy the trip, huh

[emachinescat]

I've decided to watch MacGyver from the beginning (again), and I'm live tweeting the experience with every tweet tagged with #savemacgyver. I thought it would be fun to share my collected thoughts from the episodes on here as well.

My Thoughts on S1E2, "Metal Saw"

Seriously love the music in this show!

THE FREAKING BELT GRAB. You can tell they've done this kind of thing before.

I always love it when Jack and Mac have heart-to-hearts in the middle of super intense, dangerous situations. Like... it's sweet, but time and place, guys?

"Hi, I'm Jack." Nervous Jack is bebby.

Ew, sweat. Like, I know it's "realism" to have sweat stains on clothes in situations like these, but that's one bit of realism I can always do without. Gross.

Is that a bit of PTSD I'm seeing with Mac there on the couch? That's a kind of realism I can always get behind.

Riley finding Mac and Boze in that compromising position will never not be funny. "But he was on top." I love Riley more every episode.

Riley is a really good liar from day one.

I love the joke about ex-cons benefiting from being in relationships with stable people (i.e., fake boyfriend Bozer), then the immediate cut to Bozer with his whole arm inside the vending machine. Great stuff.

Love the Riley and Bozer bonding... right up until the cringe-tastic "Slide me your digits."

"Soon, I'm gonna woo you the same way Romeo would have wooed Juliet if they had Snapchat back in the Renaissance." Bozer and his surprisingly accurate pickup lines. The Renaissance did in fact start in Italy around the 14th century, when R&J is thought to take place.

I love all this psychoanalyzing of Mac. "Adapting is his survival mechanism." Also I'm living for Jack sticking up for Mac to Patti.

"This place has been searched by everybody and their dog." Is this a Texas thing or an old guy saying? Either way it's great.

Nothing beats the early days of Mac and Jack. Nothing. I wish we had gotten more interactions where Jack has to parent Mac: "Stop touching that. Look at me." ❤️❤️❤️

Jack so concerned about Mac and putting on the kid gloves = everything I could have ever asked for and more.

Jack has such a big heart. Poor guy, the look on his face when he sees that the reporter is actually Sarah...

Paperclip sculptures: When I first started watching the show, I thought they were lame. Now I miss them so much. Does that mean I've gotten lamer or that they were always cool and I was always lame?

"Closest time I ever came to coming home in a box." Oof. This line hits different now, and not in a good way.

I just love how Jack is this big tough ex-Delta who is so open about his emotions, particularly with Mac. And the way Mac reassures him... Their bromance is top-tier.

"Oh, like when they invented fire!" Another zinger.

Mac grabbing that giant cigar right out of that dude's mouth 😂😂😂

Love some good fight-scene Mac whump! 👏👏👏 And bar fights are always a blast!

Riley with the car door - such a boss. "What? You told me to stay in the car, and I did."

I've seen some people say they don't like S1 Mac's hair. I kind of dig it, to be honest. He looks like he's 5, but I love it.

Mac has made a lot of DIY cutting torches in his time, but they never get less impressive.

Jack trusting Mac to save Sarah while he keeps watch is just *chef's kiss*!

These early episodes have so many MacGyverisms. One right after the other. It's awesome.

I've never been a big fan of the dark either, Mac.

The first scene with Mac and Sarah is so beautifully tense and whumpy (he way he scrabbles for purchase, gasps for breath, that hitch in his voice as he tries to squeak out Jack's name) that I had to rewind and watch it again.

The hopeful disbelief in her voice: "Jack Dalton came for me?"

Sarah can kick some serious ass. I can see why Jack likes her. Too bad she's about to lead him on the rest of the episode, while actually having a fiance...

Sarah: *leans out of car, shooting her weapon with deadly, terrifying precision* Riley: I agree, this woman should not have kids. 😂 Everything that comes out of Riley's mouth is gold.

Riley asleep in the back of the car while Mac sits quietly and Jack and Sarah have a sweet moment is like mom and dad with the kids in the backseat. Except mom has a fiance and hasn't told dad yet, even though she's had ample opportunity.

Because seriously, Sarah. It's not that hard to tell him the truth. Giving him those big eyes and flirting with him, thinking he has a chance is just cruel. I have never liked her character, and this is why.

Mac and Jack giggling about Jack's crush on Sarah like middle-school girls is life.

"You're just gonna have to let that go." Man, I love their relationship.

Gosh, the scene where they find Luis always hurts so badly. These early episodes did not play around.

"There isn't always time to beg some suit back home for permission to do what's right." I'm not a fan of Sarah, but I love this line. Also, this is pretty much the synopsis of the whole show.

Riley's hair used to be so LONG! 😍

The loyalty of these three! And I love the OG trio so much.

This sleazy guy in the computer place makes my skin crawl.

Love how Patti's like, "Mac will be back by then." Not Jack, not Riley. Just Mac. Can we say teacher's pet? I actually lowkey love this though.

"Who is this guy?" Much like Doctor Who's "It's bigger on the inside," I never get tired of people being equally amazed and confused at the stuff Mac can do.

I've never been the biggest car chase junkie, but Barrios jumping over the car using that log in the road is pretty dope.

Sarah's rage is chilling. And Jack talking her down breaks me every time.

Again, I love the loyalty of our team. Everyone sticks up for each other, ending with Mac's totally unbelievable but still somehow 100% genuine "It was me. I forced them." TOO good.

First mention of Oversight this early. Just thinking about who it is that doesn't like unsanctioned ops just makes me 😤 I wonder if the writers knew who OS was at this point or if it was a later development.

I do wish we could have gotten more conspiratorial, approving Patti. She's so much better than expressionless, bland Patti.

The way Sarah never told Jack about her fiance Jeff (who is in fact a cinnamon roll but still a discount Jack) pisses me off. "I tried to tell you." Yeah, right. It's not that hard to say, "Yo, I'm in a relationship."

Jack NEVER should have found out about Jeff the way he did. There's no excuse.

It's not okay, Jack. She did you wrong. You didn't deserve that. Stand up for yourself, man. Gosh, he's so broken here, and I hate it.

"At least we have each other... Don't look at me. I know how weird it sounded." THESE TWO I SWEAR 🤣🤣🤣

Poor Mac. I do love how we get his obsessive tendencies so early in the show, and how they keep coming back, even as late as season 5. As someone with clinically diagnosed OCD, this makes me feel seen and I love being able to relate to my favorite character.

Love the found family antics at the end. Riley and Bozer making dinner while Mac and Jack play basketball? Perfection.

Lol, Bozer calling Riley a "caramel goddess" has such Schmidt/Cece vibes from New Girl, and I dig it!

Ew. More sweat. I know some people find sweaty men attractive, but that is NOT my vibe. I prefer my men clean and freshly laundered.

The way Riley glances back over her shoulder at them as she walks away, as if to make sure they're really there, that this is actually real!!!

"That's not even... that's true, actually. That's sad." Jack 🤣 Also, "I'm hungry." Big mood.

As a Grandpa Harry stan from the OG show, I eat up any mention of him in the new one. I just wish we'd gotten more of that wonderful man in the reboot. Still, I'll take what I can get!

I'd honestly forgotten how much I enjoy this episode! So solid, full of bromance, found family, and lots of good-natured bickering. Can't wait to watch the next one, hopefully tomorrow! In the meantime, please keep fighting for our show! Together we can #savemacgyver!

If anyone wants to join me in my re-watching and tweeting adventure, please do! It's my way to take about an hour a day in my busy, busy life to commit to the #savemacgyver movement. (And to enjoy my favorite show yet again!) If you do tweet as you watch, make sure to tag EVERY tweet with ONLY #savemacgyver so we can keep that hashtag trending! :)

Thanks for letting me share my (numerous) thoughts on this episode. This was really fun, and I hope it's something you all enjoy, too. I'd love to know what you all think of the episode in the comments! ❤️

[atsunflower]

Hospital for souls — Tokyo nights.

Rated: SFW

Author note: Man, this one took me ages to write. And I don't even know how I could write this much for the second chapter, this is about 3,2k words. I'm tired because I decided to change lots of things in this chapter and I hope you all like it. Also, feedbacks are much appreciated!

Warnings: This chapter contains cursing, swearing, graphic descriptions of blood, violence and surgical procedures (Kind of inaccurate but only for writting purposes. Don't do it at home, kids). Also, there are slight mentions of anxiety, OCD and PTSD.

Enjoy the reading!

II — Tokyo nights

Previous || Next

You felt anxious.

Everytime you walked through Itachiyama halls, the hairs in your nape would stand and your skin, prickle in fear; a bitter taste would take over your mouth because everything was too much.

"Look, you don't have to worry. Itachiyama wouldn't dare to lay a hand on you because it would mean war." The memory of Suna's voice did nothing to soothe your nerves.

You knew that Inarizaki did not care. If anything, Itachiyama harming you would be like killing two birds with a stone: the Miya would get rid of your existence and then, have a excuse to go after your husband. "They know the twins' intentions, you know. It's not like Sakusa is dumb. Being honest, the guy is the most cautious man I ever saw" you recalled Suna saying it in your wedding's eve.

But one month after the deal, you still felt suffocated.

You opted to lay low and don't wander around the house; Sakusa's men were still suspicious of you and kept sending nasty glares in your direction whenever they saw you.

Since you weren't allowed to work anymore, boredom was killing you. At least, the maids were nice enough — or just too afraid to go against the lady's will — and let you do as you pleased. You then took over some house chores to busy yourself.

Cleaning, tidying and baking.

Sometimes gardening when you needed some fresh air.

"What a shame for Oyabun-sama, his lady is lowering herself to the peasants' level" you would hear some gossip here and there. Not that you cared, though.

"Sakusa-sama" you heard the housekeeper calling, the new name still foreign to your ears.

"Kaede-san? Do you need something?" The old woman wearing a green hakama stood in front of you, accompanied by a girl with dark blond hair.

"This is Kuribayashi Runa, the new maid working here" she said presenting the young woman by her side. The latter politely bowed at you.

"New maid? Why?"

"I'm afraid it's not appropriated the lady take care of house chores. These are strict orders from Komori-sama" her tone was dry. Kaede was never hostile towards you, but you could tell she wasn't fond of your presence either. "Also, remember you're having lunch with oyabun-sama today"

You released a shaky breath, dismissing their presence.

Why yakuza was taking even the smallest things from you?

Prying to the clock on the nightstand, you realized it was past noon and the lunch hasn't been served yet. Sakusa didn't show up either.

After being destitute of your duties, you went for a shower and killed time by reading in your bedroom.

Did something happen? You wondered.

Punctuality was something very fancied in this household and everything inside the mansion functioned like clockwork.

But how come Sakusa didn't show up yet? Why the food isn't set?

"[Name]" The door to your bedroom was open without ceremony, Komori's voice sounding harsh when he called you. The look on his face wasn't amicable either. "Sakusa wants to see you. Now."

The brown haired male did not spare you another glance, turning his back to you. You followed the tall man in an auto-pilot mode, already dreading whatever was going on.

The Kobun was taking you to Sakusa's office.

The large doors always made you feel unsettled; you never were there before. Being called to this room sent shivers down your spine.

Komori knocked the door only to the faint voice of your husband acknowledge your presence. Getting in, you were stunned. The whole mansion held a modern architecture with a minimalist design, and this room was true to Itachiyama's style.

The walls were pristine white and the floorboards were dark and shiny. The furniture held the impersonal style your husband seemed to appreciate and was clean to the eyes. Everything millimetrically positioned, aesthetically appealing.

By the glass wall, Sakusa stood proud. His back facing you, body clad in a black suit. The way he admired the stunning land through the windows held a power you never saw before.

Right now, he looked like a god rulling his own creation.

"Komori, go" his stone cold voice ordered the other male. The kobun did as he was told, leaving you two in this sinister room.

"I don't know if you are too brave ou just too dumb" he didn't turn to face you. The cold tone boomed loud within your ears and you felt cornered.

Forget the god thing. The man in front of you was the demon himself.

"What do you mean?" You asked, brows furrowing when suddenly, his enraged features loomed over you, even from afar.

"Don't fucking play dumb. I've warned you to stay out of my way" his menacing stare made the breath hitch in your throat "Where is the fucking folder?"

"I don't know what are you talking about!" You meekly replied, seeing his body growing close to yours.

"Thats it. You have a death wish." He merely stated "You're the only enemy inside this fucking house"

Without knowing what was going on, you didn't stand a chance to defend yourself. You tried opening your mouth in protest but your brain didn't come up with anything.

"Listen. I don't have the time to play whatever game you and those brothers of yours are planning." Sakusa scowled "In the first opportunity, you get to screw up. Fascinating."

"I don't even know what you're talking about" the cry left your mouth and your body trembled. The man before you grimaced at your outburst. He let out an exasperated breath, still trying to keep his cool.

"Do you expect me to believe you? Fine, I'll play along, then" He sat at the imposing chair behind his desk "The manila folder that was on this desk was stolen. You're the only one inside this house who has reasons to take it."

"It wasn't me! I never entered this room before!" You retorted, anxiety crawling in your skin. He fished his cellphone from his pockets, reading whatever on his screen

"Can't be proven, though it looks like we didn't find anything in your stuff–"

"Wait! You fucking messed with my things?" You cut him off in rage, observing him reaching over for a flask on the wooden surface.

"Well, you messed with mine first." He said while rubbing some hand sanitizer on his palms.

You rolled your eyes at his antics.

"Whatever" and then turned to leave.

"Where are you going?" The sarcastic voice filled your ears, making your steps to halt "As much as I despise it, you won't be out of my sight anytime soon"

God, You trully hated it here.

It was nighttime and true to his words, neither Sakusa nor Komori left you alone for the whole day.

Their presence was unnerving, to say the least, and everytime they talked to each other, you body went stiff.

Their speech wasn't explicit as you thought it would be. Both of them treated the matter as if they were making normal business instead of some yakuza stuff.

It didn't sound violent.

But you knew better.

"Have Fukuroudani made contact yet?" The Oyabun asked.

"Yes. Konoha told me they will be waiting by eleven" Komori peered at his watch "One hour to go. We should get going, then"

Sakusa turned his attention to you.

"Go get changed. We're leaving in ten minutes."

You did as you were told; black would do, you decided. Grabbing a wool coat and a satin scarf, you were ready to go.

Why the hell Tokyo nights were so cold at this time of year?

In the living room, Sakusa and Komori were waiting for you.

"Man, bringing [Name] along will be a pain" the brown haired male said while stretching.

"The stolen docs were about this meeting. We gotta bring her along if Inarizaki tries to do something" The taller one reasoned.

"Ah shit, this is so fucked up. I dont know how you agreed to it" Komori lamented.

Being honest, neither Sakusa did.

"Why do I have to tag along?" Your voice startled them. Your husband scowled at you while Komori opened the front door, both males ignoring your question.

A sleek black car was waiting for you three. Komori took the driver seat and Sakusa sat on passenger's side. You found comfort in the beige leather of the backseat, appreciating the warmth provided by the air conditioned.

"Shouldn't we bring more men with us?" The Kobun asked.

"There's a back up car in downtown. They can reach us in no time if something comes up" Sakusa said while covering his face with a mask "Also, I doubt someone would dare to mess with both Fukurodani and Itachiyama" He spared a glance at you through the rearview mirror.

You sighed. Anxiety didn't let you be for the whole day and now, fear was taking its toll on you.

With your temple resting on the window, you observed the city lights.

You loved Tokyo and how bright it was, although, you loved the suburbs even more; the industrial aesthetic and the narrow streets brought you the comfort you didn't feel in the last three months.

You lived here for your whole life, after all.

It wasn't a surprise when you spotted the building you used to live in.

A surge of homesickness found its place in your guts and your chest constricted in longing.

The drive lasted five more minutes before Komori parked the car by a hangar. When you lived in this neighbourhood, the place was deem abandoned with its vandalized walls and rusty gates. But inside there, you found our the interior was really neat, proving you wrong.

"Sakusa-san, Komori-san!" A blonde male came into view, eyeing you with wariness. "I see you brought your lady tonight. It's a pleasure having you here, miss" the indifferent tone of his voice said otherwise, tough.

You merely noded at him while the heads of Itachiyama greeted the man.

"Shall we start, then?"The blond asked before opening a door to your right. You felt unsettled knowing they wouldn't want your presence there.

"As you wish, Konoha-san" was all Sakusa said while a woman appeared out of nowhere.

"I'm afraid your wife would be pretty bored in our meeting. Yukie here will keep her company for the time being." The man Konoha pointed at the brunette with short hair. Sakusa sent you a hard stare before entering the room.

You both sat on some wooden boxes filled with god knows what. You eyes wandered through the hole place, trying to find something entertaining.

The woman hadn't said anything for a whole eternity before breaking the silence.

"So, Miya-san, huh?" The way she said the damned name tickled you off.

"I'm no Miya"

"Yeah, I know. I've heard of you" Yukie chuckled, looking at you with despise. You cocked a brow ate her.

"Sure you did" She was about to retort before the door was open again.

"Well, it's always a pleasure to make business with Itachiyama. We will see you off, then" Konoha said before reaching for the exit.

It was long past midnight when the meeting ended. The five of you were by the gates, Konoha and Komori doing some chit-chat, when four people appeared out of nowhere, knives in their hands.

"Ara, ara. look at these yakuza big shots" A man with an undercut said, fidgeting with the blade between his fingers. In your periferic vision you saw Yukie running back to the hangar and the three men by your side reaching for the guns by their hips.

Among the other four, a figure seemed familiar to you.

"Kuribayashi Runa" The name left your lips in a whisper. The female let out a mocking laugh and Sakusa frowned at you.

"Explain" Your husband immediatelly demanded, grimacing.

"She is the new maid working in your house. Today was her first day." Runa scoffed at your reply.

"Do I look like a maid to you, bitch?" And then, everything went into slow motion.

The woman came in your direction, holding the knife high in the air whilst you stepped backwards, being cornered by the gate.

You saw the blade glinting under the street lights and saw it aiming for your chest.

But it never came.

A hand pushed you downwards and you fell to the ground along a clattering sound. Sakusa's shadow loomed over you, trying to evade the knife.

By your left, you saw Konoha and Komori fighting the other guys, their guns useless in a hand-to-hand fight.

The adrenaline rushed through your bloodstream, your mind going frantic. It felt like one of those life or death situations you faced in the surgery room.

How can I save someone's life right now?

You saw Sakusa's pistol laying on the ground next to you. He and the woman were a couple of inches from your body.

You knew what you had to do.

With your leg reaching forward, you made her trip. The knife she held was kicked away by your husband.

"Sakusa! Watch out for Komori!" And you threw the gun at him.

A second too late, the bang echoed and an agonizing scream ripped through the night.

By your left, Runa and two of the guys were already running away.

The man Komori fought collapsed to the ground clutching his leg and cursing under his breath.

But the most disturbing sight was the way Komori held his arm, whimpering and cursing while his right hand clutched the knife's handle.

The blade tore his flesh and crossed the limb right next to its joint, in a weird angle.

Yukie came back, carrying a rope and a pistol.

"I sent some of our men to their direction." She said while helping Konoha to restrain the guy who attacked you.

"What the fuck you guys want?" The blond asked before kicking the man in his guts. The latter spat blood, giving a crooked smile at Konoha.

"Johzenji is coming" Was all he said before passing out.

"Yukie, carry him to the basement." He ordered "Since it happened on our territory, we will be investigating the incident. We count with Itachiyama's cooperation and will keep you updated" Konoha bowed at Sakusa, before rushing back to the building.

Komori was still on his knees, head hanging low. A grunt went past his lips and you knew what he was doing.

"Komori! Don't!" But again your shout came too late and the man ripped the knife away from his limb. Blood rushed through his fingers and dampened the suit he wore. "Fuck" you rushed to his side, Sakusa's features going livid.

"We gotta take him to a hospital" you said.

"No!" Komori croaked out, getting a hold of your arm. You knew what he meant, but you also knew what could definetely happen if he ignored the situation.

Sakusa was frozen in front of you two, unsure of what to do. You took a deep breath, mustering up all the courage you had.

"You have to trust me, then" you held the brown haired male by his torso and gave Sakusa a determined glare.

The oyabun noded at you and it was all the assurance you needed before ripping out Komori's blazer and transforming your scarf into a tourniquet.

In your old apartment, you ushered the two males inside, taking them both to your kitchen.

Sakusa sat the Kobun in a chair while you went to another room. A minute later, you brought two metallic cases, some flasks and a first aid box.

In the cupboards you took a flask of alcohol and squeezed it to the table, wipping it with some gauzes.

Positioning Komori's arm over the wooden surface, you sterilized his wounds with povidone and then turned your attention to Sakusa.

"I'll start it now" before proceeding to the sink. Sakusa admired the movements you made while washing your hands "I need you to do the same" and he complied.

The male helped you to put the gloves and mask on and to set your instruments over the table.

Looking at Komori, you realized he passed out in spite of the pain. The blood loss wasn't huge, but you did not knew why he fell unconcious.

You prepared two syringes of anesthesics. Sakusa sent you a weird glare, brows furrowing at you.

"Don't look at me like this. I'm a surgeon you know" and then you did the infusion. "Its not that weird if I have some hospital shit at home".

You opened the cut with a scalpel. Scrutinizing at the wound, you saw the artery was hit.

"Thank god." You let out a breath of relief, realizing the damage was little. It didn't need an anastomosis, so some stiches would do. "The ulnar artery was hit but it won't be too hard to fix. Although, I can't tell if there's a nerve damage" and you started to close the vessel's lesion.

You observed if there was any muscle or tendon damages and proceeded to suture the gashes, making sure the procedure was well done. You then patched it up and imobilized the limb with a makeshift splint, before undoning the tourniquet.

"Let's take him to my bedroom" With that, you both carried the unconcious man to your bed. "I need to check him overnight and– Shit! Your face!" It was just now you realized he had a gash on his cheek.

Sakusa flinched, feeling the blood drying over his skin and dampening the mask he used. He removed the cloth and observed the cut with the front camera of his phone. He frowned at the sight.

"It can get an infection and leave a nasty scar. Do you want me to patch it up?" You offered after checking Komori's blood pressure and his heartbeat.

A please left his lips in a whisper.

You both went back to the kitchen and you used a new set of tools. Holding his face between your gloved hands, you admired his facial features.

Sakusa was pretty.

Almost ethereal with his thin nose, almond eyes and thick brows. In addition, te two moles on his forehead complimented his beauty.

You snapped out of your reverie, getting to work.

"Finished. This kind of suture won't leave a visible scar" you said cutting the thread and reinforcing the stitch with tape.

Your finger lingered a bit longer on the apple of his cheek. Sakusa grabbed your hand and held it for a while before getting away from you and settling himself on your couch. You ignored the ghost of his touch on your skin and went back to check on Komori.

That night, Sakusa realized that no one ever handled him with such care, as if he was made of fine china.

I like that touch, he decided.

❥ taglist: is still open. Send an ask or use the commentary section to let me know if you want to be added!

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[taxfrauddotcom]

As someone who has OCD and severe intrusive thoughts, I have a lot of problems with posts like these. I'm gonna copy and paste a thread I posted on Twitter about the subject:

intrusive thoughts (like most symptoms of mental illness) are pretty much on a spectrum. Sometimes mine are actually generally harmless things like throwing my phone out the car window or just yelling in a crowd and sometimes they're terrifying/violent/evil.

imo posts like this prevent people from seeking help bc they don't think their symptoms are severe enough. I didn't develop OCD until I was an adult, and until my mental health completely fell apart my intrusive thoughts were manageable and mild but I didn't get help so they got worse and worse until they terrified me and gave me panic attacks. I still get intrusive thoughts- some of them horrifying and some of them mild- but now that my mental health is under control they're generally less severe and are a lot easier to deal with.

it's also worth noting that literally anybody can experience intrusive thoughts, not just people with OCD or PTSD etc. The difference between an nt person and a mentally ill/nd person's experience is in severity, frequency, and their ability to cope with them. They can also be a warning sign for an upcoming/developing issue like dementia/a psychotic break/ocd. If you have intrusive thoughts often and you obsess over them, even if they seem "mild" it's worth keeping an eye on and getting help if they increase in severity.

OCD can develop at any point in your life (though it typically appears by young adulthood) and people who develop OCD in early childhood are relatively rare. (Also worth knowing that OCD also comes in different subtypes, some of which don't fit the stereotype we see in media involving cleaning etc)

I understand where op is coming from but I just really don't think these kinds of posts are helpful to mentally ill/ND people.

At the end of the day, mental disorders are a collection of symptoms occuring in a predictable, frequent pattern. If you have enough of these symptoms and they happen chronically then you will be categorized as having a disorder/illness. However, people who don't meet the minimum criteria/threshold can still experience these symptoms. Keep that in mind!

side note: I think the reason why we tend to see so many people sharing their funny/mild intrusive thoughts rather than the more severe ones is bc like. The severe ones are so horrible you don't want to share them publicly but joking about the sillier ones might be a way to cope. personally, any detailed discussion of my awful/dangerous intrusive thoughts will be had privately between my therapist and I in a safe setting where I can get immediate support. But sometimes I will joke about how weird it is that my brain wants me to yell "fuck" in the middle of class and that doesn't mean I'm minimizing my own mental illness or faking having OCD/intrusive thoughts lol.

You can read more about intrusive thoughts here. Note that the article says "The [intrusive] thought could be benign, like doing something embarrassing or socially unacceptable in public, or it could be more disturbing, like a thought about harming someone that you would never really want to harm"

Anyway I'm sick of people saying that people who post jokey intrusive thoughts don't understand what intrusive thoughts are or that they don't experience """"real"""" intrusive thoughts. It's really dismissive of people's experiences and also just a generally incorrect assumption to make.

hey fall is coming around and that post “intrusive thought: eat a leaf” or whatever is probably gonna be floating around again so here’s a reminder that that post is not describing intrusive thoughts, but rather an impulse. intrusive thoughts are serious and can cause significant distress and should not be treated lightly. all those uwu relatable intrusive thoughts uwu posts are made by people who have a crucial misunderstanding of what intrusive thoughts are and likely don’t actually experience them, so keep that in mind before you start reblogging them uncritically. keep your mutuals with actual intrusive thoughts in mind and don’t reblog posts mocking and downplaying their experiences 

[ask-kurt-wagnerandrpwithhim]

(I sent something a week back, did it get swallowed by the ask box?)

Maybe, but probably not. A week ago I was helping with Thanksgiving, first year I've been allowed to and my mom piled everything she could on me to try and discourage me from ever asking to help her in the kitchen again. She doesn't like having other people in her kitchen, it's part of her ocd I think. Even for her birthday she insists on doing everything herself. But I loved it. I love cooking and baking. I love learning new things and working with my hands. She didn't take any of that into account. So I did more than everything asked of me. And she finally got some rest. The only time she didn't get the nap she wanted was when I was making bread and the dough was ready to be kneaded way before the recipe said it would, at which point I had to ask her if I did something wrong. The dough was for sweet rolls, and other than letting mom be in charge of the actual baking and them subsequently getting burnt on the bottom they turned out great, according to my family. I didn't end up getting one, they were thrown out at the end of dinner because of their burnt bottoms as apposed to keeping them for the next days leftovers like we did with everything else. I've been really busy trying to find a job so I can move out too. Feel free to ignore everything under the cut.

Unfortunately, after Thanksgiving is when things become... Volatile... In my home. My mom only has happy memories from this time of year growing up, and she has extreme ocd, and always runs out of her meds around this time of month. Mix all of that together and you end up with an almost 40 year old woman telling her 20 year old daughter to go kill herself because she's struggling to find a job during the holidays because of how capitalism works. This year was the first time she ever apologized for what she said. I managed to find a job, and I start Monday, but I really should find a new place to live... Unfortunately, I don't have a car, and nobody in my family wants me living with them because of what my mom has said about me and because at family gatherings I'm antisocial and stand-off-ish. I don't smile often because my jaw hurts when I do, and they get upset about that. I don't talk often because when I do I get told to shut up, nobody cares, and they don't like that either. My room isn't always perfectly spotless, so my mom thinks it's always a pigsty, and she accuses me of purposely trying to get her to hurt herself, and nobody likes that, but my cousins never EVER clean their rooms and it's perfectly fine. I cuss on occasion infront of them, they hate that. And I'm not Christian. My uncle especially hates that. My mom and her mom think that if mom just abused me the way her mom abused her I would have been a perfect angel. That I wouldn't talk to my mom so casually, that I wouldn't speak to her like she's on my level. Unfortunately, my current situation is likely the root of a lot of my problems and during this time of year I am especially susceptible to burn out. My mother's love for the holidays has ruined them for me, and that's a horrible feeling...

[nathank77]

6/15/24

4:11 a.m Edited/Added to 4:25 a.m

I just got out of the shower. I shaved my face and head, it was giving me anxiety bc I'm going to my dad's Sunday no matter what I do and I had to do it tonight or tomorrow night so I looked okay when I went there...

I still got to figure out if I'm going to the car wash tomorrow or Sunday or putting it off for another week or two.... I don't want to, my decade with beauty is the 21st and I want her to be in tip top shape but it's a source of stress.

I'd like to game tomorrow all day and do the car wash Sunday before Dads. I'd like to count my sleeping pill very soon before bed and get another to last me until Monday but it's already 4 a.m and it's stressful but I cannot imagine, going to my dad's house and counting my sleeping pill after and showering... or counting/setting up my sleeping pill before going to my dad's and driving there. Car wash completely forgotten about. It's just a lot. Idk if I'll do it tonight or tomorrow but I cannot fathom doing it Sunday and I will inevitably shower after my father's bc the kids will be all over me and I'll feel dirty.

I wish my mother wasn't an addict so I could just leave them out and take it when I needed them and I didn't have to count them...

I didn't want to shower today, I wanted to shower tomorrow so I was super clean for dad's house. I prob will have to shower tomorrow... and set up my sleeping pill especially if I keep writing... which will ultimately ruin my game day the sleeping pill set up is extremely stressful. A huge ocd ritual and I have to do it for Monday...

I feel like after last night the hallucinations I detailed in the videos... that taking the smaller half is setting myself up for a bad night and I've had a very hard time falling asleep compared to other nights. Maybe I'll slowly go hyper... maybe I'm just stressed.. idk. It's just harder to fall asleep and I don't need scream hallucinations or hearing the voice repeat my thought in my head. Especially that one. That one makes me want to fucking end it all no regrets. I'm not leaving much behind and I cannot cope with that.

I still don't know what to do about the car wash/a potential game day... if I go to the car wash Saturday it is not a game day. I'll shower when I get home and watch TV all night..

If I don't go to the car wash and either go Sunday before dad's (I'll feel like an asshole especially since I can't afford a card for him) or I don't go to the car wash until another week bc it's pointless to do it Tuesday with the next weekends forecast (also Tuesday is a planned game day and I'm going to take it).

I could chose to stay home Saturday and skip showering and just do the sleeping pill and then just throw on deodorant and body spray before dad's on Sunday. It's not a bad plan. However the sleeping pill is a real day ruiner..

Anyways instead of writing about it I guess I'm going to smoke a cigarette and then decide if I'm doing it tomorrow and think about if I'm doing the car wash tomorrow or Sunday.

Idk but at least I shaved my face and head and got that out of the way. It was really stressing me out. To wait until Tuesday to game feels like wayyy too long tbh.

So yea idk. I decided I'll proceed on the Walmart purchase but not yet, I'll put off the gym bc the attic is super close to being complete and I love what I did with the closet and I love knowing where my stuff is. The project is like 2/4th of the way done. I don't want to stop now..it'll take me a month or so since I can't afford a lot of storage bins and I deserve the new blanket and the spare queen pillow top mattress cover. It acts as a spare sheet if I spill something. I'm not joking I spill tea on my bed like once a week and sit in a wet spot. I deserve better but yea..

Imma go and I'll update this later.

[katai81]

"Hey, Nate, how's life?"

I don't know, it's alright

I've been dealin' with some things like every human being

And really didn't sleep much last night (last night)

"I'm sorry", that's fine

I just think I need a little me time

I just think I need a little free time

Little break from the shows and the bus rides (bus rides), yeah

Last year I had a breakdown

Thoughts tellin' me I'm lost gettin' too loud

Had to see a therapist, then I found out

Somethin' funny's goin' on up in my house

Yeah, I started thinkin' maybe I should move out

You know, pack my car, take a new route

Clean up my yard, get the noose out

Hang up my heart, let it air out (air out)

I've been searchin'

"What does that mean, Nate?"

I've been learning

Grabbin' my keepsakes, leavin' my burdens

Well, I brought a few with me, I'm not perfect

Lookin' at the view like, this concerns me

Pickin' up the cues, right? I'm quite nervous

Hate it when I lose sight, life gets blurry

And things might hurt me

It's prolly gonna be a long journey, but hey (but hey)

It's worth it, though

Cold world out there, kids, grab your coats

Been a minute, I know, now I'm back to roam

Lookin' for the antidote to crack the code

Pretty vivid, I admit it, I'm in classic mode

Don't need pity given to me, but I can't condone

Talkin' down to me, I'ma have to crack your nose for crackin' jokes

I'm lookin' for the map to hope, you seen it? (You seen it?)

Been makin' a whole lot of changes

Wrote a song about that, you should play it

I get scared when I walk on these stages

I look at the crowd and see so many faces, yeah

That's when I start to get anxious

That's when my thoughts can be dangerous

That's when I put on my makeup and drown in self-hatred

Forget what I'm saying, and

Where'd the beat go?

Oh, ain't that somethin'?

Drums came in, you ain't see that comin'

Hands on my head, can't tell me nothin'

Got a taste of the fame, had to pump my stomach

Throw it back up like I don't want it

Wipe my face, clean up my vomit

OCD, tryna push my buttons

I said don't touch it, now y'all done it

I can be critical, never typical

Intricate with every syllable, I'm a criminal

Intimate, but never political, pretty visual

Even if you hate it, I'll make it feel like you're in it, though

You call me what you wanna, but never call me forgettable

Leave you deep in thought, I could never swim in the kiddie pool

Way that I been thinkin' is cinematic, it's beautiful

Man, I don't know if I'm makin' movies or music videos (videos, videos, videos)

Yeah, the sales can rise

Doesn't mean much though when your health declines

See, we've all got somethin' that we trapped inside

That we try to suffocate, you know, hopin' it dies

Try to hold it underwater but it always survives

Then it comes up out of nowhere like an evil surprise

Then it hovers over you to tell you millions of lies

You don't relate to that? Must not be as crazy as I am

The point I'm makin' is the mind is a powerful place

And what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way

It's pretty cool, right? Yeah, but it's not always safe

Just hang with me, this'll only take a moment, okay?

Just think about it for a second, if you look at your face

Every day when you get up and think you'll never be great

You'll never be great, not because you're not, but the hate

Will always find a way to cut you up and murder your faith (woo!)

I am developin', take a look at the benefits

Nothin' to meddle with, I can never be delicate

Am I even relevant? That depends how you measure it

Take a measurement, then bag it up and give me the evidence

Pretty evident, dependable can never be tentative

I'm a gentleman, depending on if I think you're genuine

Pretty elegant, but not afraid to tell you to get a grip

Proper etiquette, I keep it to myself when I celebrate, ah (ah)

It's that time again

Better grab your balloons and invite your friends

Seatbelts back on, yeah, strap 'em in

Look at me, everybody, I'm smilin' big

On a road right now that I can't predict

Tell me "Tone that down, " but I can't resist

Y'all know that sound, better raise your fist

The search begins, I'm back, so enjoy the trip, huh

@katai81 while you were trying to get Jashin out of the cupboard I studied the art of memorizing

I know I know I know, the situations strange

It takes a little gettin’, a little gettin’ used to

Love me, love me, love me, love me

Love me, love me, love me, love me

Love me, love me, love me, love me MORE

Than you possibly can it’s not that complicated

No matter what they say, you’ll never ever never ever meet another me

I know I know I know, I’m always in your place

But don’t you see, my dear? I am your doppelgänger

I have your face so

Love me, love me, love me, love me

Love me, love me, love me, love me

Love me, love me, love me, love me MORE

than you possibly can, it’s not that complicated

No matter what they say, you’ll never ever never ever meet another me

Ay, ay, ah-ba-da bum bum bum

Bum bum-ba-ba-da- bum bum bum

Ba-ba-ba bum

Bum bum bum ba-ba-ba bum bum bum

Ba-ba-ba bum bum bum

Bum ba-ba-ba bum

It’s not that complicated to get my head around,

I’ll never meet another you

It’s not that complicated no matter what they say,

I’ll never meet another you