#’just wear a mask you’ll be fine’ I HAVE OCD!!!!!!!!!

[cosmicriff]

We need to stop having pandemics before I kill myself im so serious

[nepenthendline]

Mental Health Headcannons - Tsukishima, Kageyama, Ushijima, Tendou & Bokuto

All these are from my knowledge and based off of each character’s actions haikyuu, this is all my opinion so feel free to discuss other thoughts! I’m happy to talk about each more in depth if anyone would like it :) this is just me projecting my own problems on fictional characters

You can also message me if you wanna talk about these too!!

This is going to be long

TW: Mental health, learning difficulties, eating disorders, self-harm

Tsukishima - Depression, Anxiety & OCD

Tbh someone else (I’ve been trying to find their username to tag them but I can’t find it, they’re called something like theguessmonta but idk) has amazing posts about Tsukishima and his mental health which I totally agree with all of it so some of this is going to be pretty similar

I think his mental health problems started when he was quite young, around the time when the Akiteru drama happened so he’s been dealing with these for a while

Having depression can often make a person seem very disinterested/sarcastic/negative as a way of pushing back emotions and self-protection which explains a lot of the way Tsukishima acts towards some people (I have a whole post on how he isn’t just some asshole)

His anxiety stems from a place of terrible self-esteem and self-image, it’s clear to see he has a bad sense of self-worth when he talks about how people are obviously a lot better than him, he’s just there to ‘stop trouble happening’

Tsukki suffers from panic attacks quite regularly (especially when he was a bit younger) but he tends to shut himself off then they happen, he doesn’t want anyone else to see him like that

His anxiety and overthinking is often why he keeps his headphones on him at all times, listening to music helps drown out the sounds around him and those in his head

His OCD got worse over time - first it was things like turning the light switch on and off repeatedly until it felt right, or tapping on his desk before he went to bed, but as his anxiety and self-esteem got worse it developed into him needing himself to be perfect

This included only eating a certain amount of calories a day (no where near the amount he should be eating) or getting a very specific grade on an exam, where even one number over or under set him into a panic

Things got to their worst for Tsukki around the age of 13 - this is where he was much too underweight and self-harming on his hips (so no one else could see)

Probably also thought about suicide a couple times around this point

He has tried a couple different types of anti-depressants in the past, however none have seemed to help

He likes a lot of time alone - he gets too overwhelmed dealing with other people

The only person besides his family and Yamaguchi that knows about his OCD is Kageyama - they both noticed each others odd, repetitive habits until Kageyama asked him about it one day, while they don’t get along too well, they feel some comfort in each other understanding their actions

Kageyama - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

wow what a smooth segue 

this boy is like a walking definition of ASD - coming from a person with ASD

Kageyama was diagnosed with Type 1/High-functioning Autism when he was very young (probably around 3-5 years old)

He struggles with social interaction, knowing what to say to people and most importantly, how to say it, e.g. when he smiles people often think he looks angry

Kageyama has never had many, if any, friends before Karasuno, as he has often struggled with conversation and speaking in an inappropriate tone that may make some people uncomfortable or even scared

He isn’t very good when it comes to remembering academic studies but if it relates to his fixations (volleyball) he is extremely intelligent - this is seen clearly when Daichi shows their team hand gestures and Kageyama says he remembered them in a day

Kageyama uses masking a lot - it’s a technique people with ASD tend to do which involves copying other peoples actions in order to understand social situations, he does this many times in the anime/manga such as his awkward BBQ song dance, or high-fives

He visited a social worker once a week while he was little until he started middle school, resulting in his behaviours getting worse

Towards the end of his first year at Karasuno he went back to therapies regularly and has anger-management training in order to help him express himself in a manageable way - he probably won’t admit it but it helps a lot (key note is that having anger-management training often does not have anything to do with anger, simply just managing emotions in general but it often a great type of therapy for those with ASD although he is a bit of an angry boi sometimes)

ASD comes with repetitive, almost OCD-like tendencies - two examples include filing his nails every single day and having a very specific routine before going to bed that consists of drinking milk, putting on pjs, laying in bed and throwing + catching a ball, brushing his teeth and going to bed on his left side - if he doesn’t do these things at the right times/in the right order, he gets extremely anxious and agitated

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Ushijima - Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

autism buds with kageyama

I kid thats probably a bad idea

Ushijima was also diagnosed with Type 1/High-Functioning Autism when he was 5

Unfortunately due to the stigma around Autism, his family (besides his father) were not very accepting of this and he was put into therapy at a young age

While this was actually helpful for him, his family insisted his therapies should ‘cure’ him and were dismissive of the many times a doctor told them that ASD is not a curable disorder

Outside of therapy he does not receive much support from his family, except his father who got him a pair of noise-cancelling headphones he used to wear until he 8 whenever they went out together - he was only allowed to wear them if it was just him and his father, the rest of his family thought it made it too obvious there was ‘something wrong with the child’

Extending on this, Ushijima was very sensitive to sensory input as a child, and while he still is, it has become easier to manager as he has gotten older

His ASD is most prevalent in his lack of understand ways of communication, such as sarcasm or jokes, and tends to take things very literally 

@simp4satori and I came to the conclusion that if you were to call him daddy during sex, or ask him to ‘punish you’ the poor boy would have NO CLUE - would probably call your dad and tell him you needed to speak to him, or say you can’t watch anime for a week lol 

He is extremely direct when he talks, to the point where it comes across rude or hurtful but he doesn’t realise this until someone mentions it

Tendou probably helps him rephrase things from time-to-time in order for him to get his point across

He gets very anxious when faced with things he doesn’t know about or understand (this is mentioned by Tendou in the manga), this can include people, going to new places or trying new foods

It is important to remember people with ASD tend to also have another mental health issue, such as anxiety or depression

Tendou - Depression and Anxiety (also a highly sensitive person - that’s not a mental health disorder or illness but it does affect him)

Tendou’s mental health suffered from a young age due to bullying in school

This caused a lot of low self-esteem and low mood, and he was later on diagnosed with depression and anxiety

Only his family, Ushijima and his coach know about this, and even then, only his family know any details

No one would really expect Tendou to deal with such mental health issues as he always keeps a bubbly, happy persona around others - he doesn’t want people to think he is weak or cowardly

It is also hard for others to see and he is someone with high-highs and low-lows, so when he is happy or excited his emotions are quite extreme

Tendou’s anxiety relates a lot to his image, mainly his appearance and the way he acts, but he is also a general over thinker

He doesn’t have panic attacks as often as Tsukishima does, however they do happen occasionally when things just get too much

He often thinks that people are staring at him, or talking about him whenever he goes out, and he tends to hid this by seeming overly cocky or sardonic

When his depression hits, he tends to just feel sad or hopeless instead of numb, which tends to trigger his anxiety too

Tendou used to self-harm often around his hips/thighs however he hasn’t done so since the end of his first year of high-school 

Probably makes a lot of dark ‘jokes’, especially around suicide and people semi are like ‘...dude...you ok?’ and he’s just like ‘hahaha yeah im fine what’

He doesn’t like alone time too much as he tends to get trapped in his own thoughts

As expected of the guess monster, he is extremely good at reading and understanding people, which is how he finds it easier to help and communicate with Ushijima

Bokuto - ADHD

A lot of people at Fukurodani think Bokuto is just stupid, however he actually has ADHD

He was diagnosed a lot later than the rest at 12 years old

Bokuto tends to struggle with his studies as his attention-span is very low and can get distracted easily - either by things in the classroom or his own thoughts

He’s very forgetful, often forgetting his lunch at home or forgetting to do/bring in his homework, and this goes into volleyball too where he forgets how to do certain moves

Taking exams are the worst for Bokuto, he hates having to be still and quiet for such a long time and is very sensitive to little sounds or movements that distract his attention - you’ll often find his bouncing his leg or fiddling with his pen

He tends to butt into conversations or interrupt people when they are talking, he just gets a bit too enthusiastic to share his thoughts

He has extreme mood-swings too which we see often in the anime, especially when he is stressed or someone mentions his behaviours

Is very reckless - Akaashi has probably had to stop him from leaning too far out the window and almost falling to look something

The whole Fukurodani volleyball team are aware of his ADHD and do their best to help him and make him feel comfortable or accepted

They are the only people allowed to call him stupid - they will fight anyone else

I think there are more characters with mental health illnesses or disorders, such and Yamaguchi, Yachi, Kenma and Asahi having anxiety so I might write more at some point!

[archivedatl]

Old Blogs

Howdy. I’ve noticed some concern over the loss of my old blogs here n’ there so I decided to post all of them in one large, comprehensive blog-a-verse. Hope this brings a smile to a few faces. Our Street Corners Keep Secrets This is me asking for a brick to be thrown through my window,
a message attached that reads, "Why can’t you just wake up?"
I am not a star,
don’t look up to me in hopes of finding something more.
That which is out of reach does not promise anyone a goddamn thing.
Hope arises in possibility,
but possiblity is fragmented and selfish,
so don’t think for a second that I am safe ground to walk on.
I will sink beneath the feet of a thousand travelling companions,
and make ruin of any city’s foundations,
because concrete and steel can never tell a soul how it feels.
Our street corners keep secrets, and our road signs only suggest,
never deciding for us,
never knowing if the destination to which they lead,
is where we truely belong.
Life’s greatest tragedy is not that it will some day end,
but that most of us just live to follow directions,
and many times we end up totally lost. I am a landmine. Sometimes I break down so hard you can hear it, and when I can stand to come near it with means to repair, the chances of walking out unscathed are slim to none.
I know because I’m one; a victim of second-hand breakdowns and bad impressions, made under intoxicated conditions with poorly lit expressions. And I regret not going back, I regret not missing flights, I regret not asking for more and taking chances that I can only hope will not be forgotten. My fingers are crossed.

I-O-U.

Now my telephone’s dead and I can’t stand to hold out like this, but I’m constantly checking myself so as not to be a burden. Anything too heavy eventually gets dropped, no matter the cost. Let me be light as a feather, but valued enough so as to remain in a back pocket, until those jeans need washing and I find my place on a bedside table, to be read aloud on nights when memories and prying needs return to haunt the foundations of this room.

Pick me up,
Read me every now and then,
I won’t disappoint.
*I am* witty and engaging so bless me with attention, because I’m *dying* for attention *without* any means of telling *you*. I’ll talk the talk, you take care of the rest. What up thugs?

I’m alive and well, realizing how eternally grateful I am for everything going on in my life day by day... Its a lot like learning to walk - at least, that’s how I’d like to think of it. We’ve all been there, so I won’t waste your time painting a pretty picture of how it all goes down...
I want to talk about other things...
First and foremost, I’ve come to understand that as of late there have been a lot of people finding this little piece of my life tucked away on the web; moreso than usual, and for that reason, I’d like to extend my proverbial hand to anyone and everyone who may have something - anything to say to me. Thank you for taking an interest in who I am and what I’m attempting to do with my life. I am opening myself up, as much as possible, to anyone who may be interested. All I ask is that whoever you may be, wherever you may be, understand that I am only human - two hands, ten fingers, and a life... I’ve received a few messages from people, upset that I haven’t been able to respond to their previous comments or private messages, and who now probably think less of me for it. I hope this isn’t the case, but its bound to happen. What I’m saying is that I don’t live my life on the internet... I’m sorry if there’s a message I never got around to responding to... I’m just not that good at keeping up with reality, let alone a virtual one. I will, however, try harder from now on... And understand that even if I don’t respond, I probably have read your message. I don’t just clear my inbox and move on. Thats plain rude. :)

To all my good friends,
the ones I should talk to more often,
the ones I left back home,
the ones I will never stop loving,
thank you for still hugging me when I come home...
I know I don’t always show it,
but I’m forever indebted to you all for everything you’ve ever done for me...

That brings me to my second point.
The closest friends you’ll ever have are the ones you’d take a bullet for,
but they’re the ones you constantly feel you could put a bullet in as well. ;)

Think about that one.

That’s it for now. I can’t believe I’m up at 5:14am. Touring has made me an insomniac, but I feel fucking great.

Have a good one y’all,

Me Lawyers and Liars I am a liar.
I am self absorbed.
I am in this for me.
I am seeking recognition.
I am not concerned with politics.
I am attempting to rise to the top.
I am never going to forget my intentions.
I am allowed to worry about my own life above the lives of others.

-------AFTER ALL---------

I am human. Part Deux: Colors, Sounds and Feather-Downs 
Current mood: happy I had a long, goofy conversation several weeks ago with an interesting girl who I haven’t seen since, in a diner I have yet to revisit, but it stirred up some thoughts that I found pretty interesting. Maybe I’m just nuts. Anyhow, the discussion began on a simple basis; I inquired as to what her favorite color might be. She said she didn’t know. I replied, "How can you not know? Its a simple question." -- She paused, looking sort of surprised, as if someone had never pressed her for an answer before, and then replied, "Well... It changes... Today its yellow."

I didn’t know what to say...
I didn’t understand.

How can your favorite color just change?
What happened to yesterday’s favorite color?
If, on a whim, something of such esteem and value can be replaced with another, then on what grounds was it ever of any more value to begin with?
When I was little, my favorite color was green. It stayed that way, no matter what I said to be trendy at the time (IE. 8th grade was my "black is such a raw and expressive pigment" phase, but everyone goes through that shit.) As of late, I’ve become more partial to blue - Light blue in particular, but that’s not that important. My point is that something happened that caused me to send green packing, and to fall absolutely head-over-heels for blue.
(Stay with me on this...)
Now, such a dramatic change in attraction doesn’t just happen - I mean shit, I know we’re only talking about colors here, but this kind of switch-a-roo has only happened ONCE in my entire life. Green ---> Blue. Just like that. Must mean somthing, right?
Pablo Picasso went through a "blue period", at which time he was broke and mourning the loss of a dear friend. There’s a similarity there somewhere.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am by no means depressed, nor do I have any reason to be, but perhaps color - every, individual hue, represents to each of us a state of being, and in turn, helps us to deal with whatever it is we may be going through. I’m not talking mood-ring shit here. What I mean is that there are things - simple things - that without our knowing, mean the world to us and when they change, they change for our own good, because whether we like it or not, we are looking out for ourselves. We do it unconsciously - But we do it. We do it to stay happy and to stay alive... And above all else, that’s what matters.
On this note, I’d like to attempt to make my point - Don’t throw yourself out on another’s whim. People change, as do intentions and as a result, consequences. Live for yourself - love those around you, but realize that they’ve got their own agendas. People will screw you - You will screw people... Green ---> Blue. Get it? I’m not sure I do... Always consider that your life will venture in new directions, but be aware that other’s will do the same, and in accordance, understand that to be happy, people must exist in their own light, cast in and of themselves, not by the light of their peers. Conflict will arise because of this. Conflict is to be expected; conflict is a part of life. Find ways to work through conflict, even if it means picking a new favorite color...


I hope this makes a little sense.


I’m tired and rambling, and perhaps just a misguided fool, but I think there’s something in this - something that I am learning and accepting as my fingers punch these keys to an inviting, hypnotic rhythm. I feel like they’re leading me somewhere, and I’ve decided to follow.

____I’m going to bed. Take from this what you will.

Love,

Alexander William Gaskarth

*I feel fine* The first of many, I hope. 
Current mood: happy So I’ve decided to spill it; the beans, the juice, my guts... Whatever you want to call it, consider it spilled. Up to this point, I feel like I’ve done an excellent job of keeping just about everything true about myself, to myself... and for good reason - what people don’t know, people can’t use against you. I guess that’s my first confession. I fucking despise the way people operate. The way people go out of their way to find things out, only to throw them senselessly (BLINDLY) into conversation later. I don’t know if its intentional, (I guess that sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t,) but frankly, it gets to me. Its the same kind of prying aggravation I feel when someone starts moving shit around in my car, or on my computer table. Stop putting hills in my rugs! Please. Call me OCD but if I put something somewhere, chances are, I wanted it there and it should remain that way. Its the same for anyone else. Let one’s own business remain that way. Anyway. I’ve fallen into a depression lately - not emotionally per say, but I feel like my ability to open up to people has peaked over the past two years. I used to be so ready to say anything, without caring how it affected me, but recently I’ve become so protective of myself, not because I’m afraid of getting hurt by others, but because I might make myself look bad. It’s disgusting. I never used to be so self-absorbed. Its like in every situation, I’m wearing a mask... Not just one mask, in fact, but many masks; Masks to hide masks between people - to hide certain sides of myself from those who disapprove where others don’t. I try so hard to win the approval of everyone. Why? Fucked if I know. I just love being the center of attention I guess. And all this time I thought myself to be humble. No sir. But then, who really is humble? Everyone wants to be loved, right? So am I wrong in looking out for my own well being? Who knows? It makes me sick to my stomach, regardless. I’ve unknowingly stumbled across so many insecurities lately that I feel like a different person at times. It’s like I’ve been born all over again, to a world where I have to carry myself differently. I’m still opinionated, I’m still eagerly in search of answers, but my motives have changed. I do it for myself now; for the praise and admiration I earn as a result of my actions, not for the simple pleasure found in just "doing it". Maybe its all just part of growing up, as they say. Maturing... You know? But does it continue to change? Will I stop acting like such an asshole? Who knows. It worries me. I don’t want to be like this, but its who I’ve become... What’s worse is that I don’t know who or what to blame for the transformation. That would be too easy, right? I digress. I’ve got a lot of things on my plate. My dreams are coming true right before my very eyes - I have a band - We’re going somewhere - This time next year I hope I’m far, far away from this place. I want to see Japan. I’ve wanted to see Japan for a while now; call it a calling. Haha. I don’t know what I want when I get there - I don’t even like the hustle of big cities for too long. Gives me a headache. But there’s something about it. I’ll see it soon enough. The repetition of every day life kills. It ruins the flow of my creative juices. No joke. On days that I sleep in, I go to bed feeling exhausted, and yet, I never sleep on the weekends, when I should want rest. I don’t. It would be a waste of freedom. Why spend time on parole in seclusion, you know? I’m only tired on weekdays - only when I know I have to drag myself out of my fucking room to take a shower and go to school, and then to work. Maybe I’m not tired. Maybe it’s just a natural defense against running myself into the ground with routine. I feel pale, and sick, and run down... For no reason. I eat right. I see the light of day. I breathe fresh air all the time. I love the outdoors. Shit. I love my life. But between Monday and Thursday I feel so transient... My head isn’t in the clouds - My feet aren’t on the ground. Where am I? I don’t know, but frankly, it sucks. I have some good friends. We get hammered sometimes and forget about everything. The occasional dramatic scene is worth it. People naturally don’t get along with one another. It’s all a matter of how tolerant people are. I have some tolerant friends. In turn, I think I put up with my share of bullshit. It’s like a cycle of tough loving. But it works. It keeps me sane. In the end I think we really do love each other. Awww. I also like to kiss people. It gets me into trouble sometimes. Whatever. Certain individuals need to stop looking for love in the wrong places. --I can’t talk. --I’ve found love in the worst places. --Its not an easy thing to deal with. --Doesn’t change the way I feel about them. --Its ok. --As long as I’m happy. There I go being selfish again. ___I’m done confessing for now. Take from this what you will. Love, Alexander William Gaskarth *I feel better.*

[haikyuuheadcannons]

May I have a male matchup, please and thank you.

Under a cut this this is a Long one

Hi, I hope I got in before the deadline, if not feel free to ignore this submission. If I did get it in time, may I have a matchup, please and thank you. I hope the length is alright, if it’s too long let me know. Since it is long, if you want, you don’t have to submit the whole message if you don’t want to, you can just tag me.

Personality: I’m a mix of an INFP and ISFP, HSP (highly senstitive person), an Aquarius and an ambivert, but I lean more towards introverted side. I have depression, as well as OCD (mainly a repetition thing, where I have to do things 1-3 times), anxiety, I can be a perfectionist, and I’m used to wearing a mask of happiness all the time, and also has a human chameleon personality. I had to grow up quicker mentally when I was younger so I didn’t really get to enjoy being a child, but I truly enjoy when I’m able to have fun and laugh, and just be myself, but I do know when I have to be serious. I get more talkative and easily excitable about it if its something I’m interested in or I’m around someone I’m comfortable with. Plus, you know if I’m really comfortable around you, because I become more witty, playful, eccentric and sassy, like I’ll banter back and forth with somebody and just be more lively. Can be lazy, quirky, get tongue tied easy, trust issues & a wall built up so it’s hard to let others in (but I want to, it’s just hard to do), curious, and a daydreamer. I’m sarcastic (a lot of the times without realizing it), loyal, caring, gets bored easy I act like I’m indifferent to things (and I am indifferent to some things), but I don’t like seeing those I care about hurt and I tend to be more of an observer. Stubborn, I tend to bottle my feelings up, which can result in me having a short temper (but I notice it occurs more when I’m depressed, angry or I get really tired/easily irritated) , open minded to most things and compassionate/empathetic. Tries best to be a good listener, secret keeper, or at least offer a shoulder to lean on since I tend to worry about saying the wrong thing.I tend to trust animals more than people because I know that I can trust them and that no matter what they’ll love you unconditionally. I’m also easily embarrassed, curious, and tend to overthink/worry too much. I’m a bookworm, electronic & video game nerd. If I’m really comfortable and I feel like I can be myself, I can be random, we could watching a commercial and all of a sudden I could break out in a weird song about it, or I hear a beat & I just have to dance, things like that or I could be just fun-loving and maybe childish, just depends on my mood. Views on relationships/love are: they are fine, I’m kind of indifferent. I would like to be in a relationship, but sometimes it’s hard to put myself out there,especially when you hear news of divorce rates and hearing about people cheating on each other. When hearing that, it’s worrisome because I worry about that happening to me. I want us to be able to accept each other for who we are/be honest w/ one another. if they are overprotective, and/or clingy, etc, then I’ll accept them because that’s part of who they are, and if I don’t understand why they act like they do, I would try my best to understand or help them with it if they want. I would want a relationship where we can both accept and be ourselves, as well as both of us being able to be honest with each other (even if I hate what is being said/it hurts, I’ll get angry, but in the end after I calm down would appreciate honesty vs lying -which I’d still get mad after the truth of lying came out-). . I also don’t believe in love at first sight, I’d prefer to be friends first. Though I don’t admit it out loud, I like to cuddle and I actually like the feeling of being protected and having somebody to lean on (even when I tell myself otherwise at times). Habits: Apologizes even when not my fault or says “I’m fine” even if I’m not. Keeps my opinions to myself since I got yelled/reprimanded by friends of the family when I did when younger & it’s stuck with me ever since, unless I feel comfortable around the person I won’t be open to sharing my opinion (even if I want to). So, I might get jealous of other people who can express themselves freely I also feel like if I express myself, some might find me annoying or are only putting up with me to be nice (I’ve had ‘friends’ who did that) so it makes me question myself. Finding loopholes in things (whether in arguments, etc, usually a way to get out of things). When it comes to arguments after getting into them , I’ll start to feel guilty so I’ll apologize twice. The first time I apologize is because I feel guilty & it’s not completely sincere, I just say it to get rid of the guilty feeling, but then once I calm down & think it through, I’ll go back & sincerely apologize both for apologizing while not being truly sorry & for the fight we got into.

Hobbies/Likes: dancing, loyalty, relaxing, listening to music, trying to learn another language (currently a very beginner at learning French & Japanese), finding loopholes in things, drawing, yoga, (likes super soft/fluffy things), video games, cooking/baking, and reading (especially fantasy, dystopian, mystery, manga, romance & adventure). I love brain teasers, and mystery/puzzle games because they make think and trying to figure out things interests me. Watching anime, music videos, dramas (mostly japanese, korean & starting French dramas), romantic-comedy, recently started getting into learning about the brain/neuro subjects, mystery and action-adventure shows/movies Dislikes: Cheaters in relationships, abuse (human & animal), mornings, public speaking ( will go to great lengths to get it out of it –even finding ways to get sick-), being bored, betrayal, people who are rude/hurt my family/friends, needles, my laugh (I sometimes snort, so I try my best not to really laugh or at least if I laugh I try to hold back my laughter from being a full one in case I let out a snort). Fears: Abandonment, spiders, heights, being rejected for who I really am and being trapped.Dreams/Goals: I’d like to get married someday & maybe have a family (whether having children by birth, adoption, or them already having children, either way is fine with me. No matter what, they would be family, blood ties or no blood ties),but if my s/o didn’t want children, I would be alright with that too, I’d honestly be happy either way.

Appearance: Dark brown eyes, around 5'7 and a half in height,brown hair, light brown skin, medium length hair and not really sure what my body type is.

- @nightrainn2

Cracks knuckles

Your match is Yamaguchi!

When you two first met and started talking, he could tell you weren't as happy as you let on, but never brought it up. He tears up a small bit if you eventually tell him why, since that means you trust him enough. Yamaguchi’s patient, and really understands how hard it can be to let others in. He'll wait until you're comfortable.

When you do start getting more comfortable with him, becoming more touchy and playful, he notices, and it makes him feel all happy and gooey inside.

Even simple handholding gets you both so flustered, and questioning yourselves on whether you're doing it right. A solid five minutes of laughter follows after you realise how much you're both overthinking things.

He knows the struggle of mental illness; he's got anxiety himself, so he never judges you for your coping mechanisms or habits.

He's always happy to listen to you talk about things you like, and gets excited along with you.

You stuttering and stumbling over your words a lot makes him feel better when it comes to his own speech habits, since he tends to stutter a lot when he’s nervous,

He's fine if you prefer staying quiet and listening to him at times, he’s used to that with Tsukki. Just be ready to get faced with a big infodump.

Speaking of Tsukki, every so often you’ll catch him staring at you two, just watching. Yamaguchi bashfully tells you it’s just Tsukishima being a lil protective over him.

Despite his own anxiety about saying the wrong things, he's always lifting you up and assuring you that you won't mess up.

Yamaguchi's learned to give you some space when you bottle your feelings up. Not to be avoidant or anything, he knows that sometimes you gotta deal with stuff yourself.

Yamaguchi always tries really hard to make the time you spend together special, and he makes the cutest pouty face if even one small thing is off.

He loves everything about you, even the stuff you don't like about yourself (especially your laugh). And he's always encouraging you to speak your mind.

Any form of physical affection makes him blush and hide his face. He does like it, it just makes him feel embarrassed. It takes a bit before he’s comfortable enough to reciprocate, and when he does, he turns into a cuddle monster.

He finds it hard to say, but Yamaguchi really loves dancing with you. He's got two left feet, but all that means is you can teach him how to dance properly and have a blast doing it.

[amorningshadeofyellow-blog]

What Time Is It? (A Day in the Life with Intrusive Thought OCD)

The last week or two has far surpassed the brim, overflowing with stress and wonder, lack of this, lack of that, thinking, thinking, thinking. Since coming back from Tulane, I think I’ve managed to scrape the bottom of the barrel a little less elegantly. It’s been an unexplainable place, surrounded by an unexplainable feeling, but the least I can do is try. Explaining my OCD is not something I do to make you feel bad for me, not something that I do to gain pity points. It’s embarrassing. I was one of the smartest girls around; I still am. Where does it make sense to be consumed- literally consumed- in thoughts that are so infantile, so small, so stupid and pointless? It doesn’t, but this is my attempt to explain the mental process and impact my OCD has made. 

There are a handful of types of OCD. Most people associate OCD with cleaning, organizing, scrubbing your hands 18 times in an hour or flipping a light switch 6 times. There was a YouTube video of a guy who was performing some sort of spoken poetry about his OCD and the girl he loved. I always thought about that. With the little research I’ve done, I’ve found that the basic types are as follows: those who clean, those who organize, those who check, those who hoard, and those with intrusive thoughts- the obsessives. Obviously, my case is the latter. In slight description, the cleaners are the ones who scrub hands and surfaces, afraid of germs and contamination. The organizers are fixated on symmetry, things being centered and equally, those who organize their desks so precisely that if a pen moves two centimeters- they know. The checkers are those who check door locks, light switches, stove tops- often so obsessed with the idea that there will be a fire, a break in, something fo the sorts. The hoarders are obvious without description. Then, there are those of us that suffer from intrusive thoughts. My kind. Those who will be having a normal day, walking the halls to class or driving along the road, and suddenly an unwarranted and unwanted thought presents itself. This begins an obsessive-compulsive cycle, and it’s where I’ve struggled for many years. Where you’re able to see the compulsion- the cleaning, hoarding, flipping light switches and organizing desks, mine is far harder to detect. My compulsion- the relief- it comes in many forms. I need far more reassurance than the average human solely because I’ve depleted my ego and don’t think highly enough of myself to take my own word. It’s hard to make people understand it because we all worry. Where I differ is that my worry is an all consuming part of my day. Not every day. Some days, I don’t worry so much. Some days, when there’s no stressors and I feel the sun on my face and am confident in my body and mind- I do alright. Others, I quite literally think I’m the worlds most embarrassingly psychotic human being. So, I’m still learning. The compulsion aspect of my disorder still confuses me. The routines I go through to relieve the anxiety isn’t always the same, but there’s a compulsion. The thirty texts, the drinking, the sudden stopping myself from eating or sleeping, the texts, the texts, the endless flow of words that keep coming, the apologies on top of apologies. It doesn’t really make sense to me, and I guess that’s because I still think of the man switching the light off and on. 

To further indulge in the intensity and persistent nature of these thoughts- I want to explain how a day may work for me. I wake up. What time is it? 7:45. So, I should leave by 8:35 at the least because getting my bags out of my car and parking, locking the doors and situating my things so I can grab my coffee from my console will take probably four minutes, three or four to walk to class. I’m doing my makeup. My eyebrow hair grows so strangely. I should pluck these, but is it going too look too sparse right here? I think they’re too dark, but I don’t have time to really go back and change it. If I waste the product more I’ll have to buy another brow pencil by the end of April. They’re twenty-one dollars. I have three-hundred and six dollars in my bank account, but less than a fourth a tank of gas. However, I go to San Diego Monday, so I only need gas to go to Jackson for classes these next two days and then Saturday to clean the office. I should fill up before I go to San Diego in case I spend too much there. It takes thirty dollars to fill up my car. My seventy dollar car insurance already came out of my account, but I still need to pay those medical bills. Shit, my medical bills. I’m sure at least one has gone to collection. Is my credit going to be terrible now? How do I fix that? I should ask my mom. I hope my credit isn’t bad. three hundred and six minus thirty is two hundred and seventy six. That should be fine. Maybe I can afford another brow pencil. God, what time is it? 8:06.

 I feel my window to see how cold it is outside. Probably 60 degrees. I’ll wear a skirt and crop top. I think I’ve gained weight. I’ve been eating less. Did I? I shouldn’t weigh myself. If I weigh myself I’ll be upset all day long if I have gained weight. I didn’t eat that much yesterday. Maybe it’s lower. I weigh myself. I’m .2 pounds less than I was yesterday. That’s fine. Okay. I’m just over thinking it. I think my hips are too noticeably big. My hair is too dead on the ends, too, but I should wait to get it trimmed. Would bangs look cool? My face is too round. What if they make my face look fatter? I’m straightening my hair. I need to buy a hair mask or a heat protectant. This is probably why my hair is dead. I could leave it natural more, but I look less put together- more messy. Did I have a quiz today? No, I don’t think so. I think that’s next Thursday. My grades. Fuck, my grades are probably terrible. I wonder how much extra credit I’d have to do. Is Tulane going to accept my credits? What if I just wasted three thousand dollars at Union? 8:28. I should brush my teeth. I should put my pajama tshirt back on in case I get tooth paste on my top. God, my car is so nasty on the inside. If I have lunch with mom today, maybe I’ll just eat a salad or smoothie for dinner. I don’t want to be bloated before San Diego. I have pictures to take. What if I miss my connecting flight? I wonder what they do. Can I bring a razor in my checked bag? I don’t want to buy $20 razors there to shave my legs. 

I grab a water bottle and get into my car. Oh, I have less gas than I thought. I check it constantly as I drive. I drive past my ex boyfriend’s house on my way to pick up a friend for breakfast before class. He’s home? He’s never home on Mondays. Is he okay? Is his brother sick? Did something happen with his car? Does he need a ride? Is he mad? Did I say something this week that put him into a rut and now he’s depressed and can’t leave bed? I should text him. There are already ten texts sent from me from our discussion yesterday. Am I being too annoying? I bet he’s annoyed. Why do we even still talk every day? Did he ignore those on purpose? I think he read this one sentence as rude. I didn’t mean to be rude. God, I look like such a bitch. Maybe I should apologize. I’ll apologize. I text and explain that I drove by to get a friend in his neighborhood. Are you okay? Is your brother? Just wanted to make sure nothing was wrong. I go to breakfast. Panera is out of espresso, so I can’t get coffee. What if I get tired today? I slept eleven hours last night; I should be fine. I slept eleven hours. That’s too many. Am I getting depresses again? No, I think I feel fine. I feel happy. Yeah, I think I’m good. Okay. Should I eat a bagel? That’s too many carbs. You’ll be able to tell in this skirt. I go to class. He hasn’t texted, but he isn’t awake this early. Lauren hasn’t texted either. It’s been over a whole day. Did she get back to school safe? Is she that busy? Why aren’t I ever that busy? How come other people are so busy and never near their phones, but I’m never busy. Should I be studying more? I don’t have the money to go out. Where are all of my friends? I should go back to Tulane. My friends are there. I don’t want to get depressed again though. Maybe it’ll be better on meds. I had fun last weekend. I’m excited to go back in April. 

I sit in my lecture. Is it noticeable that I’m writing in my journal? What if he calls me out? I’m going to at least listen to the verse in case he calls on me to read. What if I pronounce a name or city wrong from the bible? That would be so embarrassing. Is anyone else here secretly not religious? Probably the girl in the Frank Ocean shirt. What time is it? twenty two minutes until I’m out. I’m not hungry. I have an hour and a half until my next class. Should I write? What if I don’t have time to finish it and get uninspired? I shouldn’t spend money. Where is that coffee shop on campus? No, spending money is bad. I need to save for car insurance. I may buy those concert tickets if I don’t spend a ton in California. The lecture is over. I walk to my car. It’s way colder than I thought it would be. These people are shivering. I either look stupid or incredibly warm blooded. People totally think I look stupid in this outfit. I drive around. I’m wasting gas. I should just go sit in the parking lot at school. He texted. Everything is okay, he just has plans on another day so he’s working today. I text to see if I can bring a record by and drop it of since he’d like it. He says he wishes I wouldn’t. Is it personal? Is it me? What did I do, was it phrased wrong? Does he think I’m being too serious? Is he tired of me? He’s probably tired of me. I’m going to Pet Smart. I go and look at the hamsters and how sweet and small they are. I smile at them and watch them run around and play for probably ten or fifteen minutes. I want a hamster. No, I’d be too lazy to clean the cage. They are so sweet, though. How long have they been in there? Probably too long. That’s so sad. Peppermint oil. That calms me down. I feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack. Why do I feel like this? I think I’m going to cry. I text again: Are you mad at me? Can we talk about some things? I know I said a lot yesterday, I’m sorry. Can I just say some really simple things and you can tell me what you think? Did I say something wrong yesterday? Are you sure everything’s okay? I know I’m worrying like I said I wouldn’t, but I need to start off on a good foot to stick to it. I don’t know what I’m even saying. I’m being annoying and pissing you off. I know there are way too many texts on my side and I feel so stupid. Can you please just find time to tell me if things are okay? 

I text over ten times, probably twenty. From 11;15 until he texts back around 3 something. I’m at the oil change center. Where do I go? I look so stupid. I have no clue where to go. The lobby of this place is full. I have to sit at the kid table. Everyone in here is old so they probably do think I’m a kid. It’s so gross outside, I hope it doesn’t make me sad. I should take my anti-depressants. It’s past noon, maybe I shouldn’t. It will keep me up. It’s so strange to me how tired I can be and then as soon as something bothers me, I’m awake for the next four hours. You’d think I’d be a normal fucking person for once in my life, but no. God, I look so annoying. I understand why I got broken up with now. It’s so cold in here. Do I have homework? I think that worksheet was for later this week. I should check when the next assignment is due. He’s typing, I’m anxious. Those thirty seconds are completely pit-of-your-stomach. What if he says something mean and I cry in this lobby? I should go to the bathroom in case. They called my name. My car is done. I sign paperwork. I go to my car and drive home. He tells me he knows to ignore what I said earlier- I’d been like this every day for the last ten days. I’m too stressed. It’s too obvious. Why do things hurt my feelings so easily? I’m driving. I tell him I’m driving and I’ll ask the two questions he told me he’d answer when I get home. So, I type out a condensed version of what I’d said yesterday- asking for patience and forgiveness when I know that’s stupid- when I know he understands and is willing to joke around and act like I’m not a freak. He’s too kind. I know he was overly kind to me in New Orleans because he wanted me to feel emotionally strong. He knew it would be a rough weekend. Lauren texted. She’s alive. We talk. I don’t have time to explain why I’m anxious- I don’t really know why. She sends me a meme. My phone is going to die. I come off of all of my worry after the talk I have about my worry and how he reassures me that I have nothing to worry about- I’m not being forgotten, I’m not hated. He’s far too funny for me. Does my senes of humor seem too immature? Does he even get this joke? The song playing right now is sad, I hope it doesn’t impact my mood. 

I’m at home on my bed. I tried on my bikini again before I go to San Diego. It looks so much worse on me now. Is it because I’ve gained weight? No, I weighed myself this morning and hadn’t gained weight. Maybe, I’m bloated. I just drank a lot of water. I wanted to take pictures in this, but I’m not going to now. How many days- today is.. Wednesday. Tomorrow I have New Testament early in the morning. Then, I have gym. I don’t think I’ll go. I always look so stupid in there. She tried to make us play volleyball last week- can you believe that? There are like ten people in that class and none of us know one another. It’s so awkward. I always feel so awkward. I hate working out in front of people. I think I’ve eaten too much today. I had coffee this morning, a kind bar, then I ate some edamame and grain crackers. I had a small bowl of tomato soup and a piece of toast with it for lunch. I think I’ll skip dinner. I’ll drink more water and maybe it’ll flush everything out. I should drink this last beer today so I can have the next four or five days to not drink anything except water. Why is my chin so itchy? Oh, he texted again. Bangs? He thinks I should get bangs? I’d look terrible with bangs. My face is too round. Yeah, just looked at myself in the mirror, and I definitely see a double chin. I don’t think they’d look good on me. That one girl in high school had incredible bangs. Would he still think I was pretty if i got them? What if they make him think otherwise and then he doesn’t like anything about me? Maybe I should do it. Change is good. My ends are dead though so I’ll just start with a trim. Dinner. I shouldn’t eat dinner. If I do, I should do like a banana or something. 

My skin itches. Is it just because it’s hot in here? No. No, why is my neck so itchy? Moisturizers break me out. Do I want to break out or relieve this? I could leave it alone. Where is my peppermint oil? I look crazy typing this. I won’t post it. It can stay in my notes for a long time. Honestly, I think a whopping three people read this. If you put that, you’ll look like you underestimate and are fishing for compliments. What do I type next? How do I transition back to something else? It looks too choppy. What if people actually think I’m a really shitty writer and just pity me because I have so much fun with it? I think some things are okay. Some things. I should write more. I know he won’t text back; he’s busy. Should I text just to tell him the good news? Does it look like I’m lying to get his attention? It’s just good news. It’s just something I’m happy about. I don’t think he cares, but maybe he just finds it nice to see me excited about things. I think I’ll tell him, yeah, this text is too long though. What words can I take out to make it look shorter. That sentence is pointless- too explanative. Back space back space back space. Posture. Sit up straight. This is why my spine looks so weird. I need to stop hunching my shoulders over. Jesus, I hope my mom doesn’t check my checking account. I spent so much pointless money last week. I feel so guilty. Maybe I can return it. I don’t think so. I’ll keep it. The jewelry is cute. Yeah, at least I have some for the pictures I take in San Diego. I’m so excited. I need to download my music so it’ll play. I should watch a movie today too. God, I need to go to the theater and watch some stuff this week. I may do that tomorrow to  pass time.I hope he doesn’t think I’ve showed up for him. I just want to come see some movies. Im behind. I saw Red Sparrow a few weeks back. It was good. Tulane housing emailed me. They want to call me tomorrow. I think they just want to clarify my situation, but if they tell me I’ll be in freshman housing I think I’ll cry. How do they even do that? There isn’t enough for everybody. I want to live in Paterson. I’d have a balcony and be close to everything. My friends would be closer too. What if they put me in JL? Oh, my god. I think I’d actually drop out. What if I get depressed again? I can’t even walk past my old dorm without feeling gutted. Too much happened there. Too much happened. I suddenly feel so sad. I remember being there and looking in my old window and seeing another girl live there. It was like that was the only part of campus that I never existed in. I felt wanted everywhere else. I think I was wanted at least. It felt good. I wonder if people would actually come visit me. I would love that.I’d get to show people the city. I just hope I don’t get sick again. I’ll be on probation when I first come back, and I just think maybe my classes will be too difficult to handle. If I slip, what if they kick me out? Just because my grade wasn’t good? What if they give me like math or science when I first come back? I’d fail and they’d kick me out because I’m supposed to be doing way better than just average. What if I gain weight? Bruff was so gross. I don’t want to go back and gain weight. I’ll have to start going to the gym. I do miss their gym. I’d just need workout clothes. Sometimes when I get too hot and workout without eating, I wind up passing out. I need to stop doing that. I need to take my vitamins.T That’s why my hair is dead. I haven’t been taking them. 

I should go to sleep. I should sleep. It’s 9 pm. Where is my birth control? There. There. I need to refill this tomorrow. I’ll refill it on my way home. Wait, I was going to go to the theater. I’ll do it Friday. I have the pill for tomorrow. So I can do it Friday before they close. Would bangs actually look good? I’m going to turn on a show. I think I’ll have a nightmare if I watch this one, so I’m going to skip it. All of these look interesting, I just can’t sit through anything that has bad acting and they all look terribly acted. I should write a screenplay. I could be an actress. I hated The Ritual. It gave me a nightmare from hell. I should take another shower. I need to throw up. I think I’ve eaten too much. If i gained half a pound, I think it’ll ruin my day tomorrow. Yeah, my mood won’t be good. I’m going to ruin my teeth. I need to make sure I take care of my teeth. I’ll double brush and double floss. That will be okay. I’ll call my dentist in the morning. Why hasn’t anyone texted me back? Did mine send? Yes. They sent. Stop texting. You look so bored and pathetic. Sleep. Go to sleep. I think he hates me again. I think I said something wrong. What time is it? 

[fangirlfromdownunder]

Hi, may I have a matchup (any gender) please&ty (for Miraculous Ladybug & YOI). Female INFP/ISFP/HSP (highly sensitive), Aquarius&ambivert/more introvert, depression & OCD. Hufflepuff&Pukwudgie. Wears mask of happiness/human chameleon personality. More talkative/easily excitable if interested in something/comfortable with some1&more quirky,witty,playful,eccentric,sarcastic&blunt at times, banters back & forth & just be livelier. Doesn’t believe in love at 1st sight, prefer friends 1st. P1

Trust issues, tongue tied easy, curious, daydreamer, loyal, caring, & gets bored easy. An observer, stubborn, tends2 bottle feelings up which can end w/ a short temper. Open minded, compassionate/empathetic, good listener, trusts animals more than people, easily embarrassed&tends2 overthink/worry too much. Family is important, oblivious towards romance/flirting towards me. I want us to be able to accept each other for who we are/be honest w/ 1 another and a bookworm. P2

I had to grow up quicker mentally when younger (so didn’t really get to experience being a child that much), keeps opinions to self since I got yelled at when younger ‘cause of opinions. Can be childish at times when comfortable w/ some1. Habit of apologizing even if not my fault/says “I’m fine” even if I’m not. Final part. I tried my best to shorten what I could so there wouldn’t be so many parts being sent, I hope this is alright.

~~~~~~

Hiya! What you’ve sent in is quite alright. I’ve tried to incorporate what I can into the headcanons. I hope you enjoy them.

Your miraculous ladybug match up is Felix! Okay so I know this is kinda a weird decision and he’s not normally apart of any of the fandom but I actually really enjoy him as Aidan’s older brother, which changes his characteristics a bit making him less typical moody anime guy. Maybe I’ll make a post about my headcanons for him if he ever existed…

And your Yuri on Ice match up is Phichit! A constant optimist he really loves talking to you all the time. He’s also pretty good at noticing how you feel so he’s very understanding.

——–

Felix:

Okay so this boy takes a long time to be attracted to someone, he’s not a flirt, he’s not particularly interested in dating unless he has strong feelings for someone, and he’s definitely not gonna force you into a relationship because he’s not too interested if the other person isn’t

Once the two of you are close he’ll open up to you about his family and the situation with his father. He hope’s you’ll be comfortable enough to open up to him about your past

I hope you like Adrien because he’s gonna be around a lot, the only person other than you that he trusts

He’s pretty good at seeing through masks considering his father wears one every day. So he will call you out if the two of you are alone, he wants you to open up to him

If you’re on medication for depression he’s most likely going to check that you’re taking it, sending you a text every day to remind you. It’s not a controlling thing, more so a ‘I don’t want anything bad to happen to you’ thing

There may be a few arguments along the way considering both of you are stubbornness and have a short fuse, but they say the couples that argue have a stronger bond. And he’s always open to talking it through, despite being extremely stubborn

Felix has a cat. It’s white, fluffy, and very fat. It likes you better than him. Felix feels betrayed

Do you wanna judge people with him? Not in a particularly cruel way, just for fun. His favourite target is Chloe, have you seen her lipstick it doesn’t really suit her (at least in my opinion)

He might get annoyed with your apologising and tell you to stop, but this stems from him wanting you to be more comfortable with yourself and your choices

Phichit:

Precious boy is super supportive of everything you want to do. He’s super friendly so the two of you probably started as friends and it just took off from here

Pichit is a Taurus. Taurus and Aquarius relationships are interesting since they’re often hard to keep. They’re normally the type of relationship where the two involved fall in love with each other over and over but never truly come to understand one another. But with enough effort, they can work out and be a very electrifying pair

Phichit shares your curiosity but is far more extroverted about it, seeking out things very clearly so that people can help him. This makes you the perfect duo for exploring new places and ideas, as you can look at things from an online and book perspective and he can look at them from the perspective of being a social butterfly

He’s done a lot of research about OCD when you told him about it. He wants to make sure he knows what it is so if you ever need help he’s there. He’s very understanding of whatever conditions you may have

Phichit really encourages you to speak your mind, there’s nothing wrong with an opinion after all, unless it’s hateful. As long as you’re willing to listen to others and be understanding.

Catches onto when you’re bottling things up and pretending to be happy really quickly. He’s very sensitive to people’s emotions, it’s part of what makes him and Yuri such good friends. If he feels like you’re being too hard on yourself or things are getting too much he’ll pull you aside to talk it all out

[awritesfanfics]

Return of the Hounds Pt. 1

I’ve literally been so busy I started this right after I watch TFP and I haven’t been able to finish it until like now. So here it is, I just had to get it off my chest. Part 1 of 2!

Pairing: Sherlock x Reader

Word Count: 2,632

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“Boring!”

“You haven't even let me finish!” “It's twins. Solved it last night while you were at the pub.” “But it's never twins, you said it yourself it's never twins!” “Well this time it is.” He ripped the knives out of the wallpaper and returned to start over. “Well that's it then.” You said, defeated. “What?” He whipped around, unconsciously aiming a dagger at you. You threw your hands up in front of your face and grimaced. You wanted to believe he wouldn't throw it at you, but with Sherlock you could never be sure. He looked confused at your reaction until he followed your line of sight. “Sorry,” he said, lowering the weapon. “What do you mean that's it then? You're trying to tell me you can't find a case? In all of London there's nothing for me?” “I'm not your secretary,” you said narrowing your eyes. “But no, nothing left that you want. We've been here for three days, Sherlock. I've read through everything.” “Three days? No, no it can't- oh, that's why John brought the paper in.” “Paper comes on Tuesday though? We've been at it since Wednesday.” “He only brings it in if it's been out there for more than 56 hours. He doesn't even realize but OCD is a very efficient time keeper.” You shook off his deduction. Not important. “So you want me to look outside of London then?” “What? Yes, yes anywhere, look in the bloody- “ “States? Oh, wow, there's plenty to keep you busy here.” The US crime news page seemed to go on forever. Hate crimes seemed to saturate the list, but those were obvious. Sherlock needed a challenge if you wanted to keep him out of your hair for a while.

“Here's one. Has to deal with the president.” He threw a knife at the wall and groaned. “No no, he's an idiot. Next!” Crack. A second knife splintered the wall. “Doctors puzzled at rare amnesia cases?” You searched the article. “Here it is again. 4 dead in connection with unknown amnesia virus.” “Patients manic in their last moments, extensive internal bleeding.” “Amnesia virus contained to one-“  you laughed and shook your head. “What?” He asked, skimming the article from over your shoulder. “Did the press ever get hold of what happened at Baskerville?” You turned to look at him. “No, Mycroft kept it quiet, no one knew.” “So no one found out that it was finished? That anyone found out what was happening?” He cocked his head and furrowed his brow. “Amnesia virus contained to one Indiana hospital. Liberty hospital on lockdown after outbreak of unknown disease take 5 lives, infects 9 more.” Sherlock smiled. “Perfect!” He stabbed the third knife into the arm of your chair, slicing the woven sleeve of your sweater. “We need to get you a damn case, I don't have many sweaters left and I'm not risking losing an arm.” “What exactly has he been doing?” John leaned in and asked quietly, to not disturb the working genius. “I like to think he's been packing, but it doesn't take 13,000 steps in a 50 foot flat to pack for a trip to America. You ready then?” He nodded, glancing over at the luggage by the door.

“I'll grab mine.” “Yea, cab should be ready soon.” He glanced down at his watch. “We're going to be late, Sherlock, what the hell are you doing in there?” He walked out with a small day bag and his face buried in his cell phone, nearly walking right into John. “What have you been doing in there?” Mrs. Hudson said frowning. “Sounded like you were running a marathon. Gonna wear a hole in my rug if you don't get a change of scenery.” A smile snuck onto her lips as Sherlock gave her a tight squeeze goodbye. She gave you a hug as you collected your luggage. “Keep him safe, will you dear?” “I'll try my best,” You giggled as you walked out of the flat. You loaded your luggage into the cab and squeezed in beside Sherlock. “Heathrow, please.” Once you boarded your flight, you settled in. You decided confidently that'd you'd try to take a nap, after sitting through not one, but three of the documentaries provided by the airline. There were seven hours left on the flight; maybe there'd be something better on later. You put in your headphones and, thankfully, started dozing off right away. Your head bobbed gently against the back of your chair, your breathing slowed, and your music drowned out the roaring of the engines. Light turbulence nudged you awake. You brought your watch close to your tired eyes to read the time. 3 hours left. “I slept for 4 hours? On a plane? Well I was surprisingly comfortable…” Your cheeks turned red. You must've rested your head on Sherlock’s shoulder without knowing. You wanted to move softly, so he didn't notice anything, but when you tried, you felt pressure holding you down. His breathing was soft. He must've fallen asleep on you, too. The cabin was dark, the music played softly in your ears. You were the most comfortable you've been in years, and you fell back to sleep. Sherlock stirred gently as the plane began its descent. You followed suit, clearing your throat and turning your head to the open window to your right. Your eyes squinted as you greeted the bright blue sky and the growing buildings below. “So how exactly are we going to get into this hospital to get the information we need?” John asked, munching on an order of French fries. “I mean, it's on lockdown, we can’t exactly just walk in.” “Well, the story did say the only people who seemed to get infected were those prone to seizures, didn't it? They thought it had something to do with the medicine.” Sherlock nodded, cocking his head. “Don't panic.” You whispered to the two. Suddenly, you froze. Your eyes seemed to gloss over as you locked your muscles and threw yourself from your chair. You seized on the floor, voluntary spasms shaking your entire body. Sherlock and John followed along beautifully. “Oh my god, oh my God!” John yelled as Sherlock called an ambulance. “Is anyone here a doctor, my God what the hell is happening to her?!” He exclaimed, drawing the attention of at least two dozen onlookers. A woman rushed to your side. “I'm a doctor. Everyone stand back. She needs space and air. She's having a seizure. No one touch her. Do you know her?” “Yes, yes she's my best friend. She's never done this before!” The woman held him back. “She’s fine, she'll be fine, you friend is calling an ambulance. We just have to wait until then.” The EMTs arrived quicker than anticipated. By then, you were fine, but John insisted on them taking you in anyway, since the fit was “totally out of the blue, unpredicted, and terrifying if it were to happen again.” They agreed, and loaded you into the ambulance. “Where are we going? Which hospital?” You asked “weakly”. “Miami Valley, mam.” “Why not Liberty Regional?” “Well, that’s about 45 minutes away.” “Huh. Good to know.” You sat up in the gurney and gave a swift kick, sending the EMT flying back. “Sherlock, the driver!” You ordered. “Get some scrubs on, Doctor Watson. We have a long ride ahead of us.” Sherlock sent the driver tumbling out of the cabin and took his place. You pulled up a map to Liberty Regional for him and sped off.

“Well that didn't go exactly as I planned. When was the last time you didn't pull the doctor card?” He shrugged. “All worked out though.”

Sherlock whipped through the ambulance dock, opening the back doors to help lower you out. “You can't be here, the whole place is on lockdown.” A nurse tried to shoo you away. “Your higher up seemed to tell us different.” John said sternly. “I called it in already. Said to take a look at her.” The woman was convinced. “She's had a seizure. She’s alright, just had a bit of a fright. First one, you know how that goes.” “If she's scared about that, she'll be petrified once she gets the bill.” The nurse laughed as she brought you in, taking you through the almost completely deserted halls. “Where is everyone?” You asked. Well, not to worry you, but there's been an outbreak of something, so we haven't been accepting new patients. In the process of evacuating them actually. It's contained to a few rooms, though. You'll be fine.” She wheeled you into a dim room and helped you onto the bed. “A doctor will be right in to talk to you. You shouldn't be here for too long.” As promised, a doctor and nurse, both masked walked in with a drip feed and clipboard, shutting the door behind him. The bag was labeled ‘SALINE 1.2 mg dos’. “Hello.” He said quietly from behind the mask. “I apologize, for this. I’d much rather be face to face-“ he said, moving uncomfortably close you “-but as you must’ve heard, there’s been a sort of outbreak here. We’re working very hard to keep everyone safe and prevent his from spreading.” Your blood ran cold. It was Culverton Smith. You hid your accent as best as you could to prevent any possibility of him catching on to your plan.

“Not doing too well of a job though are you? I heard it spread to what, 9 people now?”

He became noticeably agitated. He didn’t expect your response. That just meant he had to work quicker. He laughed it off. “That’s not exactly my area.”

“Well who’s is it? No one knows what caused it, so who’s in charge of it? Neurology? Virology? The janitors?” You cursed yourself in your mind. You’re slipping. You just couldn’t help it. You laughed to help lighten the tension, and he followed suit.

“So what I hear is, you've had a seizure?” He was anxious to change the subject. You nodded. “It was my first one, ever. No one in my family has them either.”

He motioned for a nurse to hook you up to the IV. You started to panic.

“Is this really necessary? I thought I’d just be coming in for a consultation, a checkup.”

“Oh no, sorry. You’ll need to stay overnight, maybe for about a week. We need to conduct some follow-up tests, you know, make sure you’re not infected.”

Your heart raced.

“You read the news, didn’t you? “Strange amnesia virus infects seizure patients.” This hospital isn’t accepting new patients. So how exactly did you get in here? Well by faking a seizure of course! You wanted to find out the cause, so you could help find a cure, didn’t you? Well, relax. I’ll tell you my little secret.” He dropped the mask and the fake accent. “Oh, I am sorry though, this saline that’s flooding your system right now, isn’t saline. It’s a memory inhibitor. Blocks new ones, kind of dissolves old ones too I’m afraid. Take notes, you won’t be able to remember any of this in the morning, if you even live that long.” He laughed again, standing up. “Well, this is lovely, but I’ve got another patient to tend to. And try not to scratch at the IV, leaves a nasty scar.” He returned the mask to his face, and he and the nurse disappeared out the door.

You looked around the room, your memory fading. Anxiety rose up within you, but you couldn’t remember why. You glanced down at your arm, the small needle stuck in your vein.

The IV. The IV. The IV. Those words reverberated in your mind, but you just couldn’t remember why.

Suddenly, Sherlock and John busted through the door, shutting it quietly and locking it behind them.

They were frantic, flying over to your side and bombarding you with questions about why you had an IV in, what the doctor said, and what was going on.

“Wait,” you quieted them, bringing your hands to your temples.

Sherlock and John shared a panicked glance before you decided.

“He said it was something to do with... Agh! I can't remember, it was something with seizure patients, but we knew that already!  uh…”

“I can't remember!” You cried. Your eyes frantically searched the familiar faces for a shred of a memory, something to remind you what was Culverton’s plan. Sherlock grabbed you by the shoulders and met your eyes, following them around the room.

“Can you remember anything?” He pressed, his face twisting in fear of the unthinkable.

You shook your head, then suddenly stopped. your eyes seemed to gloss over for a second, fixated on a distant point in the hallway. You came to, and pulled away from his grip, wiping your eyes and studying the men in front of you. “What are you talking about? Remember anything about what?” You replied, dryly.

The color drained from Sherlock’s face. He swallowed hard. His worst fear had come true. First it was Mary. Now you. He promised he'd keep you safe on any case the two of you went on. And now you were hours before dying, and there was nothing he could do about it without giving in to the one man Sherlock feared.

John stepped in, pushing Sherlock aside. “Yes, Ms. (Y/N), is it? Doctor Watson.” He shook your hand. “You have been sent here because of an accident you had.” He picked up a blank clipboard that rested at the bottom of your bed. “You fell off a ladder and hit your head? That could be the reason why you don't remember, blunt force trauma could lead to unconsciousness, memory loss. It's all very common and nothing to be worried about.” A look of relief crossed your face. “Let's just get a quick look at that. Would you mind leaning forward for me?” You obeyed, sitting up and leaning over. He brushed the hair off your shoulder and stabbed a syringe into your arm.

“Hey! What the hell are you doing?! Who are you?! I'm going to call… security, and you'll… you'll be…. arrested… and lose…” Your shoulders fell limp and your head bobbed forward as you lost consciousness. Sherlock rushed to you, but John held him back.

“She'll be fine. Just a tranquilizer. It'll slow her heart rate, keep her in one spot for a while. But we have to work quickly.”

Sherlock nodded, backing away. A call rang in on the landline on the bedside table. With a deep breath, John answered.

“Hello?” He said, clearing his throat. He handed it over. An unsteady hand took it, greeted by a wicked laugh on the other end.

“What the hell is this?” Sherlock yelled through gritted teeth.

“Just a little game of mine. I heard you like games, Mr. Holmes.” His mind was clouded, but still useful. The accent was American, but fake. Crooked teeth interrupted the flow of speech. An echo, a beeping, a heart rate monitor.

Two heart rate monitors.

Three.

Seven.

The ICU.

A second voice piped up inaudibly in the background

“Oh, I'm afraid I have to go, Mr. Holmes. Someone needs my care.”

The distinct loading of a gun. A terrified plea. A single shot. A dull thump. John turned in the direction of the noise down the hall.

“Come get me, Mr. Holmes, before I win the game.” The laugh resumed before cancelling the call. Sherlock tore the phone from the table in audible frustration, shattering it against the far wall.

He turned and saw John, focused like a bloodhound on a scent, waiting for a command. “This way.” He urged.

The pair raced towards the sound, slamming the door behind them.

Part 2