#—joyscrybabies

[joyaphoria]

its 1:18 am, when you hear keys jangling in your front door.

excited to see your boyfriend after a long day, you get up from the couch and turn into the hallway, calling out to him.

and it is, in fact, suna, but it’s not suna. 

not with the way he’s sitting on the floor, legs sprawled out in front of him, back against the wall, as he cries. you rush over, sitting in front of him with your legs beneath you. “baby? baby, what’s wrong?”

you’re holding onto his forearms as he sobs into his hands.

“i love you — fuck, god, i’m so in love with you.” he whimpers, as he slowly lets down his hands, looking into your eyes with a passion so hot, so powerful and so raw, something that you’ve only read about in books.

“i know, i look pathetic,” he shakes his head, taking your hands in his. “but fuck if i give a shit. i just, i-i come home to you. i come here, home to you, and i wake up to you, and i fall asleep with you,” he explains, filling your heart with an emotion that not even words could describe. “i never want anything to change, and god i’m so afraid that one day, one day, i’ll open my eyes and you’ll be gone.”

“rin,” you whisper, tears swelling in your own eyes as you cup his cheek. “why wouldn’t i be here?”

“because you’re too good to be true. it’s so much, i don’t deserve you at all, but you’re here with me, and — fuck, i just, it’s just so hard to believe that you chose me.” he looks around for his bag, reaching over and fumbling inside, pulling out a tiny black box.

your heart explodes.

“rin-”

“marry me, y/n. please.” he breaths. “i want this, i want this forever. i never want anything else, never. i just want you, i want all of you, so fucking bad.”

you watch as his trembling hands pry open the box, revealing a small silver band, with the most gorgeous diamond you have ever laid eyes on. you’ve never owned any diamonds, never.

he carefully places the ring on your finger, before looking up at you with eyes that say everything he can’t. “there are so many things i can say, so many things i can do,” he shakes his head. “but living without you, isn’t one of those things. living and knowing that you aren’t mines, that i’m not the one you want, it’s too much. i don’t even want to think about it.”

you’re crying with him now, the two of you sobbing together by your front door.

“you don’t have to think about it. i don’t want you to ever think about it, because it’s never going to happen, i promise.”

and it’s 1:18 pm when you secure that promise, in a dress that took nearly an hour to put on, walking down the aisle to rintarou; to your future, to your forever.

and suna, even in a suit so expensive, in a venue so expensive — and later, on a honeymoon, very expensive — is still trying to comprehend the fact that you’re about to become his, fully his.

[joyaphoria]

hq boys finding your suicide memo

characters : tanaka, kuroo, sakusa

warnings: tw:suicide; angst to comfort

note: request for this ask! before anyone comes for my head, the tw’s are above, wether you choose to read them or not, it’s on you.

© 𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢

TANAKA believes it’s an accident. more so, he just refuses to think about it, or to ask you about it, for that matter. but it itches at him, and he feels as though not saying anything would be irresponsible. considering the amount of time he spent reading it through yesterday, over and over, he’s too far in to pretend like nothing happened. the day you planned to take your life had already passed, since last week, but if anything, it made him more anxious. does that mean you could be gone at any given time? he doesn’t trust you on your own, so he calls for you to come over. you’re smiling and laughing when you do, pointing out flaws in the movie you’re watching. tanaka isn’t though. he’s watching you, observing you. “ryu,” you wave your hand in front of his face. “you okay?” you ask. he shakes his head. “are you okay?” he repeats your question, and you furrow your brows. “what? ryu, why wouldn’t i be-” “i found your memo.” he whispers, so faintly, secretly hoping that you won’t hear him. hoping that he was just imagining it. but you suck in a sharp inhale, and sit back as the couch swallows you whole. his fears confirmed, tanaka drags a hand down his face. “y/n, why didn’t you talk to me?” he speaks slowly, because yelling would simply be ineffective. “because i was scared.” you reply, your voice so tiny and quiet, that tanaka almost hates himself for bringing it up — but it doesn’t matter. it’s not about him right now, so he sits and listens. he listens, and he understands.

KUROO believes it’s a joke. maybe a prank. you were in the middle of a prank war with him after all, and considering the fact that you were planning to “commit” today — as stated in the memo — it must’ve been a prank. so he waits for you to come home from work, wasting away on your phone. you’re later than usual but he still hears your keys in the lock, so it’s whatever. it isn’t until you walk in though, face tear stained and eyes puffy, that he realizes that the memo he found on your phone may not have been a prank. “kitten, what’s wrong?” he gets up and makes his way over, pulling you against his chest. “i just had a breakdown because work is really stressful.” you reply, pulling away. you’re avoiding his gaze, suddenly taking interest in the carpet. ask her, he pleads with himself. he knows he has to, but he can’t. maybe he’s afraid that it’s true, maybe he’s afraid that you were probably moments from doing what you described in the memo, and he wouldn’t have done anything, because he really believed that it was a prank. “i found the memo, kitten.” he says, a sad smile forming on his face. “is that what you’re crying about?” and your facade crumbles, as your eyes widen in fear. “i-i’m sorry, tetsu.” you whimper, body going stiff as he pulls you into an embrace. “i couldn’t do it, i’m so sorry..” you sniffle. “god, kitten, no.” he whispers, tears welling in his own eyes. “don’t be sorry, just talk to me, please.”

SAKUSA was terrified. halfway across the world in a hotel room that was paid in full by the team, he had realized that he brought your laptop instead of his — but that’s fine, he’d just use it to watch netflix instead. with the full intent to do just that, he types in the password, and ends up staring wide eyed at the memo that was left open on the desktop. the date was planned for today, and kiyoomi starts to shake. he doesn’t hesitate to dial your number, fingers drumming impatiently as it rings. you don’t pick up. he calls again, this time putting it on speaker so that he can send you messages, begging you to pick up for phone, and asking to confim your whereabouts. but you dont pick up, and you don’t respond. tears well in kiyoomi’s eyes at the possibility of what could’ve happened, but he brushes them away and calls again. on the third ring, you answer, your voice soft but shakey as you breath, “kiyoomi?” and sakusa breaks. his lips pucker together to refuse the whimpers sound, as he wipes furiously at his face. “y/n, what is that memo you have open on your laptop?” the line is quiet, and sakusa wipes at another handful of silent tears that make their way down his face. “i’m sorry you had to see that, omi.” you whisper, but kiyoomi can hear it. you’ve been crying. he’s angry at himself for not seeing this earlier, but even halfway across the world, he’s determined to make this right. “y/n, i need you tell me everything. from the beginning, please.”

[joyaphoria]

pairing: various x f!reader

warnings: suggestive themes, explicit smut, heavy manipulation, extreme gaslighting, angst, suicide topics, sensitive themes, infidelity, sexual assault, self harm, abuse, ptsd and trauma. dark content. (characters are all 18+)

summary: what happens when the woman you fell in love with turns out to be a lie? faceless, nameless, unknown, and missing, y/n is an unsolvable case. find out more about her through the eyes of these four volleyball prodigies — bokuto, oikawa, suna, and sakusa; the oblivious victims of a non-existent woman.

status: on hiatus. chapters except the intro are privated.

no schedule for when i update! i’m still in school and sometimes really busy, but i’ll post when i can :)

taglist status: open !

send an ask to join, any other way (pm, reply, reblog) will not guarantee your spot!!!

related posts: follow #—thm ! for updates, specials, theories, and extras

© 𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢

INTRODUCTION — OUR VICTIMS she haunts the night.

0/0 - a case reawakened

PART ONE - BOKUTO lingering scars

𝐈/0 - a letter of healing

𝐈/𝐈 - first face

[joyaphoria]

pairing: suna x f!reader

warnings: SMAU + WRITTEN, dark humour, suggestive themes, suicidal jokes, manipulation, ANGST, death/mentions of death, suicide/suicide attempts/suicidal thoughts, cyberbullying/bullying, sensitive themes, prostitution, child trafficking, and more.   (characters are all 18+)

summary: if a teacher had been the one to catch suna dangling off the edge of inarizaki’s roof, he definitely would’ve been in trouble. except it wasn’t a teacher that caught him, it was you—the school whore. yea, he’s starting to wish it was a teacher.

status: completed.

​​​related posts: follow #—wtf ! for updates, specials, and lil extras :)

© 𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢

profiles

all profiles

chapters

part one: kys

part two: price is good too

part three: all the good stuff

part four: i forgot you were a whore lol

part five: ugh my heart

part six: the world be damned.

part seven: it looks nice on you

part eight: the chaos within

part nine: because you have a life

part ten: i’m here

part eleven: set the world on fire.

part twelve: more than you know

part thirteen: real classy, sunarin

part fourteen: IM TRUING TO SLEEP

part fifteen: blocked, reported

part sixteen: i’m going to protect you

part seventeen: we’re in this together

part eighteen: always move forward

part nineteen: it’s killing her.

part twenty: hurting people around you is better than being lonely

part twenty-one: burn in hell, xoxo

part twenty-two: wrong person, right fucking time.

part twenty-three: the final chapter.

[joyaphoria]

tw: hospitals

it’s 8:28 pm, and the world is quiet.

kiyoomi drags his feet against the sidewalk, trying to figure out where he is, and why it feels so familiar. god, if only you could see him right now, you would be so pissed. 

“kiyoomi,” he can almost hear you laughing. “stop dragging your feet; you’ll destroy your shoes.”

you were such a pain in his ass, but he knows better than to complain now. he knows to be grateful now, thankful for everything you’ve done.

“i’ve got bigger things to worry about than my shoes.”

he looks up from the sidewalk, two figures walking not much further ahead of him. when did they get there.. why do they sound so-

“excuse me.” the first figure turns around, meeting kiyoomi’s gaze. holy fuck, that’s him — well, younger him. “are you following us?”

the second figure stops, but kiyoomi already knows who it is before they turn around.

“omi, let’s just go.” you whisper, hands around younger-him’s forearm, trying to tug him away. “being on the same sidewalk as us, doesn’t mean he’s following us.”

holy shit, kiyoomi remembers this day; your makeup, your dress.. this is cruel, this is so fucking cruel.

“where are you guys off to?” kiyoomi asks, watching as younger him wraps a protective arm around your waist.

“a date,” you smile, slightly flustered at the arm now holding you.

a date, where kiyoomi is going to propose.

he remembers how you reacted, how you slumped in the restaurant booth and cried, and kiyoomi feared you would say no; except you stood up and kissed him, whispering, there’s nothing i want more than to spend the rest of my life with you.

“are you happy, with him?” kiyoomi asks, pointing to younger him.

you nod, giggling as you watch younger-him scowl at the question. “of course i am, i would never leave him.”

you would never leave him, yea.

“not on purpose,” current him — present him, whatever-you-want-to-call-it him — corrects. “you would never leave him on purpose.”

“what’s that supposed to-” younger him steps forward, under the streetlamp, eyes widening as the light shines on current-him’s face. “you’re me,” he whispers.

“i’m you,” older-him repeats, jaw tightening, before looking at younger-you.

just as beautiful as he remembers; just as sweet, just as vulnerable. “i miss you, y/n.” he whispers, not even bothering to hide his glazed-over eyes. “i miss you everyday, every moment, every hour. i never stop missing you, and it never stops hurting.”

“you, you miss me?” you whisper, as if the wheels in your brain are turning, trying to figure out why a grown man that looks like your boyfriend, is telling you that he misses you. “why would you miss me?”

“why would you miss her?” younger-him repeats, refusing to meet his eyes. kiyoomi is smart, and he’s always been smart. of course he knows what he’s implying.

“it never stops hurting,” he continues, before turning to younger-him. “but you learn, eventually. you learn how to cope with it, and how to live with it; you learn how to move on.. at least that’s what the doctors say.”

younger-him squeezes your hand, refusing to let go.

“just make the most of the time you have together,” kiyoomi nods, wiping away his tears on his sleeve. “make the most out of it.”

and then kiyoomi is awake, blinking to adjust to the bright lights of the hospital room. a little disoriented, he stands up, walking over to the bed in the center of the room.

still unresponsive.

“y/n,” he whispers, taking your cold hand into his own. “i had a dream, a memory — of the day i proposed to you.”

your eyes remain fixed on the ceiling, still no sign of his wife inside this lifeless body.

“the doctors said that you aren’t coming back,” he chokes, pressing his lips into a thin line. “that i should pull the plug.”

no response on your end, no movement at all. 

kiyoomi gasps for air as a sob rips through his body, his tears falling onto your intwined fingers. “i’m being selfish, holding onto you. i know you aren’t coming back, but i can’t let you go, i can’t.”

he shakes his head, body trembling as he weeps, bringing up your hand for him to nuzzle his face against it. “i love you, i love you so much. you deserve to move on, to whatever is on the other side.”

a part of him believes that you’re still in there, but when you don’t respond, the hope evaporates into nothing.

kiyoomi cries for the rest of the night, praying for any kind of stability he may need in order to make his decision tomorrow.

it never gets better, and it never stops hurting — but kiyoomi can only hope that the doctors are right, and that he’ll learn how to live without you.

[joyaphoria]

it’s 2:31 am, and sakusa is in doubt.

he’s sitting up and watching you, your naked body snuggled up in the covers, that at some point in the night, had been his body. you were at some point, cuddling with him, your bare bodies pressed against one another.

but now, he’s not so sure.

the late night — or, very early morning — uncertainties are creeping up on him again, plaguing his mind in a thick fog that can never seem to clear up, at least not permanently.

sakusa wonders if he’s thinking too loud, if you’re going to wake up and catch him in his hesitation, catch him wondering if he should be with you; if he should be in a relationship. 

he wonders if you’re ever going to realize how he tenses when you say that you love him, or if you’re ever going to realize that maybe he’s just not cut out for long-term things.

he wonders if you’re ever going to catch him in uncertainty, when he says that he loves you too. he wonders if you’re going to realize that he has too much baggage, too many issues for you to bear with him.

he wonders if you’re going to pack your bags and leave, because of those issues.

and almost as if he really was thinking too loud, you stir in your sleep, your eyes slowly opening as you look up at him. “omi?” your voice is hazy, so tender and sweet. kiyoomi wonders if he deserves it, the fondness you hold for him.

“yeah?” he whispers back, looking away from you, because he knows that it only takes one look to end this entire thing; one look into his eyes, and you’ll know everything that he would protect with his life.

everything that he would keep to himself, the things he would hold in, if only it meant that he could stay here — stay in your bed, and watch you sleep carefree, without having to bear the weight of his problems.

“look at me, omi.” you whisper, your voice clearing up as you come to.

sakusa wonders what the point was — asking him to look at you — when you didn’t give him much of a choice anyways, reaching up to cup his face and turn it towards you.

you can see the soft glint of tears streaming down his face, and tears that had already dried, their soft little imprint a reminder that even sakusa kiyoomi — proffesional volleyball player and master of hiding his emotions — can cry.

“you know that i love you, right?” you question, watching as his adams apple bobs, and he swallows a lump in his throat, before nodding. “and no matter what, i will always love you.”

and there’s something about the way you said ‘you’, as if sakusa will always be the only person you hold dear, and there’s something about the way you said ‘no matter what’, as if you already knew.

as if you knew what sakusa was going through, as if you remembered all the other nights this happened, where he dare thought about leaving you, and you still loved him through it all.

it’s something about the way you said everything, that makes him wonder if maybe this time, the fog might clear up for a little longer. maybe this time, the fog might hold out for a bit, and maybe you wont get tired of him after all.

maybe you’ll stay, maybe he’ll stay, and even though the fog might come back — because it will — you’ll help him fight it, so that one day, sakusa kiyoomi will never know fog again, 

not unless its outside, and he’s watching you re-enact a horror movie through it all.

[joyaphoria]

I have a small request please? Can you please do a Haikyuu boys answering a call from you at 4am because you can't sleep? Or one where yn and them hang out at like 4am because they can't sleep? Characters are Kuroo, Suna and Atsumu please?

HAIKYUU BOYS AT 4 AM WHEN YOU CANT SLEEP

characters : kuroo, suna, and atsumu

warnings: fluff, mentions of arguing parents, sneaking out, sneaking in, 

note: this request is so amazing and fluffy so ofc i have to add a drop of angst in it ;) thank you sm for requesting! (sorry i didnt proof read this ksjhf)

word count: 821

© 𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢

KUROO ☞ you rolled onto the next side of the bed, shoving your head into one of the pillows to muffle out the sound. your parents only seemed to fight when you were trying to sleep. you groaned and got off of your bed, instead lying on the ground. maybe the cold floor would ease your nerves a little. wrong. you got back onto the bed and fumbled for your phone in the darkness, sighing heavily when you grasped it. you scrolled on tiktok for a bit, hoping that you would fall asleep like you usually did, but you didn’t, so you did the only other thing you could think of; phoning your boyfriend. it rung twice before he picked up, the sound of his voice washing over you. “kitten?” he called out, his voice dry and hoarse. he learned to sleep with his ringer on, because you had a habit of calling him very late. “is everything okay?” you laid back in bed, getting back under the sheets. “i just needed to hear your voice.” you whisper, but he still caught it, smirking to himself. “sleep on call?” he suggested, and you couldn’t ask for anything more. “really? you’re okay with that?” you yawned, getting comfy under your sheets, placing your phone on speaker. “anything for you, kitten.” he chuckled, but you didn’t answer him. you were fast asleep.

SUNA ☞ fighting with your parents at 4 am was probably one of your favourite things to do. just kidding. nobody seemed to want to listen to what you had to say, so you gave up and retreated to your room with tears streaming down your face. you threw things around—pilllows, teddy bears, and without thinking, a picture frame. of course it shattered, but lucky for you, you didn’t get cut. you were on a rampage, and you couldn’t calm down. you threw open your window, slowly crawling down onto the roof, and then jumping down. your feet were moving before you could decide where to go. you just hoped that your sobbing wouldn’t awake your neighbours. before you knew it, you found yourself at suna’s house in your pj’s, only now noticing that you were barefooted. you wiped your runny nose with the sleeve of your shirt, quickly climbing onto his roof, then knocking on his window. a few seconds later, the curtain was pushed back, and his face came into view. “uh, you good?” he asked after opening the window to let you in. judging by the sound of his voice and the way his bed looked, you could tell he had just woken up. “hey i’m—are you crying?” his voice went soft when he noticed your tear stained cheeks, and he ushered you into his bed. “my parents are being weird.” you sighed, basking in the warmth of his chest as he got in next to you. “i’m sorry.” he whispered, rubbing your back. “you can stay here with me, if you want.” he suggested, and you snuggled in closer. “of course i want to.”

ATSUMU ☞ you nearly had a heart attack when you felt a tap on your shoulder. you whipped around and slapped whoever it was in their face, before turning on your flash and shining it on them. it was atsumu. “oh my—jeez ‘tsumu, you scared the shit out of me!” you whined, removing your earbuds. “angel, what are ya doin here? ‘ts 4 am!” he chuckled, sitting down on the bench next to you. the sun was coming up, and it tainted the sky in a soft orangey colour, with hints purple, pink, and blue. “i couldn’t sleep.” you murmured, and he pulled you down to rest your head on his lap, with the rest of your body spread out over the bench. “so ya come t’a bench in the park? in yer pj’s?” he shook his head at you. “how did you even find out that i wasn’t at home sleeping?” you got off his lap and narrowed your eyes at him, and his cheeks turned red. “ya had yer snap maps on!” you let out a tired laugh, snuggling back into his lap. “so you’re stalking me, ‘tsumu?” you ask, slowly falling victim to your exhaustion. “’m not stalkin ya, a swear! ya should be glad that a was the one that found ya, and not some creep!” he pouted. “but you are a creep, ‘tsumu.” “angel, that’s not nice.” he frowned, caressing your hair as you fell asleep. “i’m just kidding. i’m glad you found me.”

[joyaphoria]

Hi! This might be a really weird ask, and probably means I have a problem, but if you ever do a part two to your 'Haikyuu Characters reacting to you self harming' , do you mind adding Iwaizumi please?

HAIKYUU BOYS CATCH YOU SELF HARMING (PART TWO)

characters: iwaizumi, bokuto, tanaka

warnings: self harm, comfort if your squint, sorta fluff if you squint rlly hard, mentions of skin cutting, mentions of pain, after effects, mentions of mental illnesses? mentions of blades, mentions of blood

note: i’m sorry this took so long, i was only updating this draft when i felt genuinely upset 😭 this is unedited so please bare with me, i rlly threw it out there. i was also half dead writing this <3 trigger warnings under the cut.

word count: 1.64k

part one here

© 𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢

IWAIZUMI

you've always struggled to love yourself

you constantly compared yourself to others, and it was really unhealthy

except you refused to talk to others about it, because you felt like you were dumping your issues on them

then again, you always accepted other peoples issues with open arms

iwaizumi had befriended you when you two got partnered for a project

when you weren't answering his calls one time (he needed to know if you submitted your part of the assignment) he snuck into your room through your window) and caught you sitting on the ground, a crimson-stained blade in hand

you freaked, but he promised to not tell anyone

instead, he listened to you; that night, you became more than just a therapist

but you should've known that it wasn't going to last; not when you felt iwaizumi slowly drifting away from you

then again, you weren't dating, and it wasn't his job to look after you

if iwaizumi could hear your thoughts right now, he would probably be upset. he spent all that time fixing you, only to have you throw it all away.

you knew that it was wrong, but you could help it. you were running out of options, and with the few you had left, this was definitely the safest one.

refusing to eat dinner for what seemed to be the fifteenth time in a row, you escaped to your room with a glass of water.

plopping down in front of your mirror, you took hold of your tummy rolls. maybe plastic surgery would do it.

why couldn't you look like the pretty models on your feed? was it that hard? why could you do it?

maybe if you did, iwaizumi would like you back. throwing a hoodie on, you curl up in bed and sob.

a few minutes into your breakdown, you stomach grumbles. you pause for a moment, your mind falling into senseless rage.

"are you stupid or what?" you growl, wipping your stuffy nose on your sleeve. "you're no fucking help."

infuriated, you throw yourself off your bed, rummaging through your desk.

after finding the pocket knife, you pause for a minute.

was it worth it?

nevertheless, you sit on the floor, back against the bed, and wipe down your arm.

refusing to look, you cut aimlessly, then spray it down with perfume.

you scream into your pillow when it starts stinging, clutching at your arm.

"you good?" the familiar laugh sounds from the other side of your bed, and your body freezes up. "sorry i wasn't able to talk much, i had so much shit to study for..."

his voice trails off when he makes his way to the other end of the bed, your sprawled figure coming in to view.

"holy shit.." he stands there, taking in the blood that was dripping down your arm.

"i'm so sorry, i-i.. i don't know.." you keep your head down, the pain in his eyes too much to accept.

before long, he's on the ground beside you, holding your trembling body in his arms. he was crying with you.

"what changed?" he whispers, his own shaky voice soothing you.

"i'm so tired of everything." you sob into him, the blood soaking into his t-shirt disregarded. "i hate myself, i hate my body, i hate—"

"your body?" he pulls away to meet your eyes. "are you kidding? you're so beautiful."

you look away again, but he takes your jaw in his hand, and redirects your gaze at his face. "you know that i love you, right?"

you gulp, and he scoffs playfully through his nose. "there you go again, disregarding my feelings."

your head whips back at him, confused. "what do you mean feelings?"

"how many times do i have to tell you that i love you, for you to understand?"

"i-i thought you meant as friends...”

he chuckles lightly, planting a soft kiss on your forehead. “of course not.”

BOKUTO

to keep it short and simple, bokuto never knew

he’s had the biggest crush on you throughout highschool, and when you returned his feelings during your third year, you guys hit it off

your relationship was wonderful, but everything was too good to be true

there were things you just couldn’t tell him, because he just seemed so carefree and happy, you didn’t want to ruin that for him

so you kept it all to yourself, including the scars on your thighs

this took a toll on you, and never helped anything very much

point is, secrets are made to be told eventually

you should’ve known that you wouldn’t be able to hide it forever

“yes, i know!” you scream, your head pounding from all the noise.

“you’re a lazy bitch, you know that? you sit in there all fucking day!”

you close your eyes and regulate your breathing, your moms screams from downstairs setting your emotions off.

yea, later you can come over. you reply quickly to bokuto, shutting off your phone.

“i’m trying to do my homework!” you sob, digging your nails into your palms.

weren’t the straight a’s good enough?

“you just sit and talk to your fucking friends! you’re so useless.” she yelled from downstairs, the front door slamming shut.

you break down in tears, your fists refusing to clench.

your body shakes and you tremble, and you open your mouth to scream, but nothing comes out.

the sobs you let out shake your entire body, searching for any kind of relief it could take.

you don’t mean to do it again.

it’s not like you want to, but you needed it. your body craved it, and your head felt like it was gonna spin off.

you were gonna hurl.

there was a smell in the room now, and it fogged your mind up, your senses in overdrive.

the feeling was overwhelming, but you didn’t hate it. you never hated it—that feeling that hypnotized you into thinking you were flying.

a feeling so—

“hey, sorry i’m-”

and just like that, the feeling is gone. it vanishes in a second,  quickly replaced with embarrassment and shame.

“bo.” you whispered softly. it’s too late, the damage is already done. you can’t hide or persuade him into thinking that this isn’t happening, because it is.

“w-what is..” he’s approaching slowly, getting down onto his knees beside you. “y-you do this?”

theres a wide variety of emotions visible on his face, as if he doesn’t know how to respond to a situation like that. he doesn’t have a solution, he can’t even figure out the problem.

“i’m sorry, bo.” is the only thing you can choke out, wishing that you haven’t done it again.

the painful look ripping his pure heart apart is enough punishment for you, the hard reality of your selfishness.

“y/n..” and bo’s crying, quickly gathering you in his arms as he rocks you both, the safety of his body bringing you a sense of tranquility.

no words had to be said, they were all silently released through his heartfelt actions that night.

TANAKA

this physically pains me to write because hes so baby

tanaka always knew that you struggled when it came to overwhelming emotions

you had a hard time expressing them, and the fact that you hated talking about your problems didn’t help at all

you didn’t want to express them, you didn’t want to talk about them, what else could you do?

see a therapist of course, who just so happened to be tanaka

he got you to open up to him, and used the excuse that ‘communication is key in a relationship’

it’s just that sometimes you felt as though you were making everything about you, and that he didn’t want to hear about your issues

you lied about getting better to him, and he didn’t think you would lie to him when it came to something like that

so he believed you

overwhelming emotion of the day: guilt.

“i’m sorry. i’m so sorry.”

you whisper to your sister over and over, and with tears in her eyes, she assures you that its okay.

but you knew that it wasnt. you slipped up and told your mom about something your sister did, and now you knew that she was in a shit ton of trouble.

she retreated quietly to her room, but her sobs managed to reach your ears, even through the door.

you know it’s your fault, even if she wants to tell you that it isn’t. you know you fucked up again, just like you did last time, and the time before that, and before that.

you fumble for your phone to message tanaka—to tell him how you’re feeling before the feeling becomes too much—but you remember; tanaka is at practice. he doesn’t have time for you right now, and you’d be selfish if you were to bother him.

so you sit on your floor, curled into a ball, punching, and slapping, and hitting yourself.

“stupid.” you whisper, hitting your head over, and over, and over again. 

your head rung and you were dizzy, but you weren’t done. not yet.

maybe if you had stopped there, you wouldn’t have passed out. maybe if you had stopped there, you would’ve noticed the way that tanaka stood in your doorway in shock, unsure of how to respond to the situation.

when you open your eyes, tanaka is hovering over you, crying.

“why were you hitting yourself like that..” he hesitates to ask, secretly hoping that you’d reply with something like “i don’t know.” because if you don’t know, it would probably be easjer to stop.

“because there’s nothing else to do.” you sob out, your head still ringing from the constant abuse.

and tanaka doesn’t know what to say the that, but he tries his hardest to talk you through this, even with the words and struggles unspoken.

[joyaphoria]

tw: death.

9:56 pm, and the world is ending; suna’s world, at least.

his eyes are closed, because he can’t look. if he looks, it becomes real. if he opens his eyes — if he let’s them trail to you, bleeding out on his lap — then he has to accept it.

“rin,”

but he’s weak to you, so weak, that he pries them open, the regret flowing in too quick to process.

“no running, remember?” you whisper, a cold hand reaching up to cup his cheek. right, no running, because you knew; you knew he was doing just that.

running from things doesn’t mean they won’t chase you, he remembers you saying to him. you’re better off facing them head on.

what was he supposed to say — what was he supposed to do? 

sit and watch the love of his life bleed to death on his lap?

“you’re beautiful.” you mumble, head slightly tilting as you brush away the hair hanging over his face, now revealing the traitorous tears making their way down his cheek, collecting at his jaw.

“please,” he croaks — it’s torture, listening to you speak.

it’s torture, because he knows, he knows, it’s the last he’ll ever hear of it. so many things he can now only dream of hearing you say, because you need to reserve your final breaths for the important ones; the ones that suna will need, to get through without you.

“i wouldn’t go back, i wouldn’t change anything.” you admit, a bittersweet grin erupting across your face, filling the — quickly fading — light in your eyes. “i would do it all again, because if not, i wouldn’t have gotten to be with you.”

his jaw sets, even as his face crumbles into something far from ‘beautiful’, a visible effort at containing the sobs and wails that were bound to wreck his body, bound to tune out the words you needed to say to him. 

he couldn’t afford to cry right now.

“you’re dying, because of me — because you got to be with me,” and there it is, the — not so — elephant in the room. the acknowledgement of it, the acceptance. this was all real now, wether or not it had been from the beginning.

“don’t do that,” you scold him, so typical of you to berate suna, even as death drawls your name.

“don’t you ever feel guilty for that, not now, and not ever.” you reassure him, tucking yet another strand of his hair away as it falls again, his tear stained cheeks glowing in the faint light of the moon. “it is, and will forever be my decision, for as many times as i can get to start over.”

i chose you once, and ill choose you again.

“you swore, you swore you would never leave me.” suna curses, his fists balling at his sides in shame, in fear. you were slipping, you were being taken from him; he can feel it.

“i know.”

“you promised you would stay, that you would love me.”

“i do love you.”

but it’s not enough, he almost yells, just loving me, isn’t enough.

he watches your breath catch, watches as you inhale deeply, trying to fight for any remaining air that could be spared. it’s watching you become desperate for oxygen — a basic human right — that does him in.

he grasping you tightly, cradling you in his arms like a small child that needs protecting. “you can’t leave me, you can’t go.” he whimpers, nuzzling his face into the side of your neck.

you nod. “we’ll meet again, i promise,” is what you can respond with, as he watches your chest rise and fall, once, twice.. before it stops.��before suna slumps, the promise of : tears coming to stake their claim.

he doesn’t doubt your promise — not for one second, because your soul will always find its way back to him, and his, to yours.

[joyaphoria]

the five chances you give him (5)

pairing: suna x f!reader

note: this is the last chapter! i hope you all enjoyed :)

summary: suna knew that he was doing something wrong, but he refused to acknowledge it. therefore, you slowly dropped five major hints for him, hoping that he would notice them and take action to fix your broken relationship. suna really did notice them, he just didn’t figure out in time that you were actually going to leave.

series masterlist | directory

© 𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢

part five: rin became rintaro; then it became suna

"oh baby... nobody said that it was going to be easy." mei cooed, her voice softer than usual. she repeatedly kissed the top of your head as you cried into her lap.

"i k-know but.." you spoke through your sobs, snot along your sleeves. "i-i really hoped t-that he would ch-change.."

it's been just over two months since you've started changing your behaviour around rin, but he didn't seem to react to it—no, he may have changed, but only a bit. it wasn't enough.

you knew that this was unavoidable, and that it had to be done. the longer it takes for you to get this over with, the longer it will take for you to get over it.

so when mei sent you home that night, she reassured you that it will all be worth it in the end, and that you will find someone better.

but the fact that he was waiting for you at the same table that you used to wait at, every single night, didn't help at all.

"where were you?" he asked, his voice laced with concern.

you stood there for a second with your shoes still on, and folded over with laughter.

his heart flutters. whens the last time you laughed in front of him?

"sorry," you sniffled through the laughter, the aftermath from crying earlier doing you no justice. "it's just that i used to sit in that same chair, waiting for you to come home, you know?"

hesitating for a moment, he decided on getting up and walking over to you, although he didn't know what to do.

"y/n." he's looking down at you now, resisting the urge to reach out and take hold of your hands.

"rintarou."

now that caught both of you off guard.

it slipped out without a second thought on your end, and you were visibly shocked.

as was suna, except he was more afraid than anything else. he knew what this meant—he was no longer rin to you, but rintarou.

he should be grateful though, because he knew what eventually might come next. he knew that it wouldn't be rintarou for long, and that as soon as it changes, it would be over; everything would be over.

"were you crying?" he whispers, reaching out to wipe at your tear stained cheeks. except you wouldn't let him, grabbing his wrist in time. God—mei would be so proud; as would that kind lady from the cafe.

"why should you care?" you spat, letting go of his wrist to remove your shoes.

"because im your boyfriend." he said, although you didn't miss the quiver in his voice from that last word, as if he wasn't so sure anymore.

you move past him and head straight for the bathroom; but suna didn't miss it. he heard what you mumbled on your way out—and it had him slumped against the wall (when you were out of sight, that is)

his fists are clenched and his heart is beating a little too fast, but he can't get his mind off of what you said.

"yea, well not for long"

five words, and yet they seemed to foreshadow his future.

-

there were two possible reasons that you could be waking him up at 10 in the morning.

you were either waking him up to tell him that it was over, and that you were leaving, or that it was over, and that he had to leave.

turns out there was a third reason.

"do you have practice today?" you asked, your voice a whisper.

"yeah.. why?" he got up into a sitting position, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. its been a while since you last entered this room, moving all your things to the guest room.

"oh. nevermind." you make a gesture to leave but he panics and grabs your arm. this could be an opportunity, and he wasn't about to lose it.

"i could um.. take the day off." he nods his head.

"are you sure?" when he nods his head yet again, your features soften.

"okay, well get dressed. i feel like going to a theme park."

you leave the room before he has a chance to answer, but he complies anyways.

his mind wanders to the picture that he broke in the heat of the moment awhile back—the one where you were both smiling at an amusement park, kids laughing in the bakground.

-

"let's go on that one!" you exclaim, pointing at the rollercoaster.

a soft grin takes over your face—and while it may not be your typical energetic one, at least it was still there.

now, suna wasn't a big fan of rollercoasters. he prefered to have you go on them, while he took the photos, but today's been the first time in a while that he's actually seen you happy, and he wanted to keep it that way.

you've been here all day, and it was already pretty dark, so they might be closing soon anyways.

when the cart had finally come back around, you and rin got on, with a guy slipping in on your side.

"you guys here together?" he asked, looking over you to make eye contact with suna.

you nodded, and he chuckled.

"im here with my girlfriend, but she doesn't like roller coasters as much as i do."

now you and him are making small talk, and suna is resisting the urge to tell the guy to shut up, and to go back to his own girlfriend.

when the ride finally starts, he feels relieved, even slipping his hand into your own.

your hand tenses, and he looks up to find a look of guilt soaked into your features.

he quickly unravels his hand from yours, settling it into his lap and looking away. he got too carried away to remember that a day of rides and fun wasnt enough to fix his mistakes.

as the ride starts climbing upwards, fear pumps through his veins.

he shuts his eyes, dreading the fall.

when it finally came, he opened his eyes and hugged himself to keep from screaming.

he looks over to you, and his heart does that thing again—it flutters.

with your hands in the air, your screams adorning his ears, he fell in love. all over again.

the moonlight caressed your pretty features as your eyes shut in pure bliss, and suna found tears falling out of his own.

the tears fell but he didn't sob—not once. you didn't look his way either—not once.

instead he looked away, quickly wiping the tears before someone could catch him. he missed this; he missed you.

when you two got off the ride later, he wonders if you would ever go to another theme park with him.

-

when you decide to leave, suna finds an employee walking around the park with a polaroid camera.

he asks him to take a picture of you, and places it in his wallet. he can't break it this time.

suna misses the look of guilt that slips past your face, as if it were never there.

-

when the car pulls into the parking lot, and you both get out, suna realizes that you weren't walking beside him.

he panics and turns around, where he finds you smiling. tears in your eyes.

"thank you for today, suna."

he freezes. he can't move anymore. he can't think.

"don't be silly. let's go inside." he's walking again, but when he doesn't hear a second set of footsteps, the tears wash over him.

"why aren't you coming?" his voice cracks as the tears stream down his face.

"i'm going to mei's. it's-it's over." you smile, wiping continuously at your eyes.

"y/n please, we can talk about this." he's running over to you, taking hold of your shoulders as he bends down to make eye contact. "we're fixable, okay? i promise we are." he doesn't make move to wipe away the tears that are falling.

you wipe away his tears, pulling him into a hug. "i'm so sorry."

he wraps his arms around you and holds you tight, afraid of having you slip out of his grasp. "please, don't leave me. i'll do anything, just give me another chance. i need you."

you wriggle out of his arms, and his fists clench at his sides.

"i gave you chances. i gave you too many. i have to go."

you're running now, and he can't decide if he should run after you or not. has he not caused you enough pain?

instead, he falls to his knees and cries.

that was it. he lost you—he lost everything.

the polaroid picture was burning a hole through his wallet.

-

when he finally musters up the courage to check the guest room a few days later, he sees all your things packed up in boxes.

you had it all planned out, didn't you?

-

when mei comes later that day to pick up your things, she finds suna curled into a ball on the guest room floor.

"suna. wake up."

his eyes open slowly, and she finds them red, his eyebags puffy and cheeks tear-stained.

"is y/n gonna come back?" he asks, his voice nothing more than a whisper.

mei shakes her head, and suna cries again.

she looks away, thanking the heavens that she wasn't in a relationship. she couldn't help but pity him as she collected her best friend's things, suna's sobs as a sort of background noise.

she couldn't be surprised—the lost of your entire world was enough to make any grown man cry.

-

heartbreak isn’t easy, but suna’s heart hurts without you. where he sleeps, where he bathes, it all reeks of your touch.

you’re everywhere here, all memories playing back to him like a movie. he’s reminded of you, and recovering addicts don’t test themselves; they dont stay around said addiction to see if they can restrain themselves.

and so suna moves out, running from the place that you’ve drenched in your presence.

he leaves the polaroid picture on the table.

[joyaphoria]

[11:11 - SUNA]

suna has always had a passion for movies.

a movie can be anything, and watching them was like a pleasant distraction. after you, he’d stay cooped up in his room for days, binging movies and whatever else he could, to keep his mind off of you.

he got out eventually, because his mother was worried for him. she missed you just as much though, but for the sake of his son, she would never admit that.

he tells himself that he’s better now, because its been months since he’s seen you, and he’s most likely over it.

and yet there’s something about seeing you in public, that feels weird. not because suna is no longer an active member of society, but because it isn’t his arm that you’re clinging to.

no, you’re with someone else. a funny looking guy, a little wonky, but no doubt hotter than suna himself is.

if this were one of the cheesy movies that suna would binge during the hardest parts of the breakup — the parts where he couldn’t think about anything but you, or where his heart hurt so bad that he could’ve sworn he wouldn’t survive to see the end — then you would look at him.

you would feel his presence nearby, a presence you used to call him up at 2 am for, and turn your head to face him.

your eyes would light up as the memories come rushing back to you, and then they would glaze over with unshed tears.

you would whisper his name under your breath, suna, and you would let go of that bastards arm.

you would run back into his arms and cry, tell him that you missed him so much, and that you meant every word when you told him that you loved him. at least that, suna knows, was real. you were a never good liar, so there was no way you were able to look him in the eye and lie about such an emotion.

but it is in fact, not a movie, because you don’t look at him.

instead, you look up at the guy you’re clinging to, before a waitress comes over to lead you to a booth to take your order.

suna often tells himself that he’s over you, but maybe he isn’t, because he somehow ended up in the same restaurant as you.

it’s no coincidence, of course, because this isnt an ordinary restaurant. no, this has always been your restaurant. the restaurant that the two of you came to so much, that even the waiters remembered you.

(hence the looks that they’re currently giving you, wondering why you’re clinging to another mans arm.)

you’ve been there for many things — celebrations, parties, or even times when you needed to remind yourselves that there were still good things coming out of your relationship — but back then, you both had the same intentions in mind.

now, not so much.

because suna came here to ease his pain, if only for a minute. he came here because the pain was so overwhelming, and he needed a reminder of you. because the thought and feel of you is an addiction, and suna can’t get over it. he can’t forget, cant stop, and because all the pictures and videos are gone, he had no choice but to drive half an hour to get a feel of you, despite the guilt and shame that will follow.

but you came here to say goodbye — to all the memories youve made over the years — and to finally have closure. you’ve moved on, and though suna will always be someone that you used to love, there is space in your heart for someone new.

the addict, and the recovered.

one who cannot live without the addiction, and one who learned how to.

the things about addictions are that you can get addicted to just about anything, including love.

how to protect yourself from an addiction, you ask? well it’s simple: don’t risk it — because while the adrenaline is priceless, the consequences aren’t worth it.

[joyaphoria]

HAIKYUU BOYS WHEN YOU SHOW UP IN AN UNHEALTHY STATE

characters: bokuto, tsukishima, sugawara and kenma

warnings: hints at domestic abuse/violence, mentions of a mental breakdown, visible anxiety attacks, mentions of divorce, fighting/arguing, toxic environements

note: remember, you can request part two’s (three’s, fours, etc.) with different characters if you really liked it (i’m getting to my requests!)

word count: 1.33k

© 𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢

BOKUTO

when he first got your message saying “hey bo, i’m coming over, i’ll be there soon.” he was suuuper happy

he started planning things out in his head—maybe you guys could do facemasks together, or even just cuddle—either way he would still be spending time with you, so it didn’t matter

however, because he was so excited, he failed to notice the odd timing of things

like for example: why you were coming over at 4 am

bokuto was up late today, so he didn’t even notice the time himself.

but when he heard the doorbell ring and he bolted downstairs, he was over the moon—until he opened the door that is

“h-hey bo..” you smiled up at him weakly, and he was frozen in place.

your eyes were bloodshot and your hair was a mess—not to mention the fact that you had shown up in pyjama bottoms and his hoodie— one that was way to big for you.

pink tinted the tip of your nose too, but bokuto wasn’t naive, he knew you weren’t flustered.

“baby..” he whispered, stepping out into the cold to pick you up bridal style. “do you wanna talk about it?”

there was a deafening silence that washed over you two as he made his way up the stairs with you in his arms, and for a minute, bokuto was afraid. he was afraid that you wouldn’t open up to him, and that you would want to carry the burden all on your own.

“my dad’s upset again.” you chuckle, although it came out more as a broken sob. “he... he gets like this sometimes.”

bokuto placed you to sit on the edge of his bed, and he squatted down in front of you. “that’s not okay, and i’m glad you came to stay with me.”

you break down into tears, and he doesn’t hesitate to pull you into an embrace.

“you’re safe here with me, y/n.”

TSUKISHIMA

tsukki didn’t share bokuto’s enthusiasm about everything

in the middle of a mental breakdown, you had sent him a message saying “hey baby, can i come over?”

he answered with “why?”, and continued to respond with that to almost all of the reasons you gave him

eventually he caved and let you over

he was doing his homework, and the last thing he wanted was company right now, but you were always an exception for him

when his doorbell rang, he rolled his eyes briefly before making his way to the front door.

except when he finally made contact with the girl he loved, a wave of guilt washed over him

“what the fuck happened to you?” he asked, his eyes narrowing down at your petite figure. 

your eyes were red and puffy due to crying for hours, and your face was pale. you looked like you were about to collapse right then and there. although though tsukki seemed strong at the moment, he was panicking.

“i-i was making coffee.. and it-it just spilled.” you started wailing, and if tsukishima didn’t know any better he would’ve laughed—except yamaguchi had already explained to him that the little things can build up and cause mental breakdowns.

kei felt bad for not noticing what you were going through earlier, but he was going to make things better.

he rolled his eyes and walked back inside, and you stood by the door frowning.

“well are you coming, or what?” he turned around and crossed his arms, and your face lit up.

“can we cuddle? pleaseee..”

“don’t push it.”

SUGAWARA

you two had made plans earlier to have a movie marathon at his place

he was waiting for you to come over, but two hours had already passed and you didn’t show up

he rung your phone many times, but it kept going straight to voicemail

his texts weren’t sending either, but he was more worried than upset

he was about to cal it a night when 2 am rolled around, but his doorbell went off.

he contemplated not opening the door, but he decided against it

he was visibly upset, but when he opened the door, panic set into his features

you were crouched on the ground, one hand against the porch rails, the other on your chest. you were panting heavily—except you were struggling to breath

tears were falling down your face, and your sobs were shaky

“oh my—baby, please, calm down and breathe.”

suga wanted to panic and yell out for someone, but he knew better. he crouched down beside and and took deep breaths himself, before taking the hand against your chest, and placing it on his own.

“copy me, okay?” he inhaled deeply then exhaled, and at first you struggled to follow him. you felt his chest rise and fall, and you did your best to follow him.

“hey, you can do this,” he placed a hand on your cheek as he wiped your tears with his thumb. “take deep breaths with me, and calm down. i’m here now.”

“i-i’m t-trying..” you sniffled, as the overwhelming feeling began to close in on you.

“close your eyes, and focus on my voice. focus on my breathing.” suga reassured you, rubbing circles on your back. “don’t worry, we’re gonna get through this. i’m here with you.”

KENMA

he was sitting at his desk playing video games on his pc

he contemplated messaging you, but decided against it

it was 3 am after all, you were most likely sleeping

he messaged you a quick “hi”, in case you really were awake, but he didn’t you expect you to answer

just like how he didn’t expect for his window to randomly open, and have you tumble in

“what the..”

kenma watched as you fell into his room from his window, hitting the ground.

“hey kenma!” you coo, throwing on a smile, but kenma didn’t miss how puffy and red your eyes were. “i thought i would come and hang out with you!”

he wanted to ignore the signs and just pretend everything was okay; he wanted to motion you over and let you sit in his lap while he played his games, but he knew that ignoring it wouldn’t make it go away.

“what’s wrong?” he asked, waving you over. when you refused to budge, he moved his chair over to you.

“it’s nothing. can’t i just hang out with my amazing boyfriend?” you giggled, except now that he was even closer to you, the scar was clearer.

a red, stinging, swollen imprint of a hand on your cheek.

“y/n, what happened?” he reached out to touch the scar, and you winced when his fingertips grazed the tender skin.

you narrowed your eyes for a second, as if thinking wether or not you should tell him. “my parents are getting a divorce.” you breath out, plopping down on his bed. “they’ve been fighting constantly for months now, so i wasn’t really surprised.”

kenma was silent at that, trying to figure out what he should say.

“they say it’s my fault. that this wouldn’t be happening if i wasn’t born.” you scoffed with a smile on your face, but kenma saw through it. you loved to smile, and you always did—even when you were upset, and on the verge of breaking down.

“y/n..”

“i defended myself, saying that i didn’t ask to be born, then bam!” kenma watched as you clapped your hands together with a dramatic sound effect. “my mom didn’t like that.”

“i don’t know what to say.” he whispered, and you shook your head, quickly wiping at yours eyes.

“don’t worry about it. i’m gonna go now, i’ll see you tomorrow—” but before you could get up to go, he pulled you back into an embrace.

“you don’t have to go, okay? come sit in my lap while i play.”

and you did as he said, except there was no playing.

it was you crying on his shoulder while he rubbed your back, reassuring you that no matter what happens, he will still be there for you.

[joyaphoria]

pairing: suna x f!reader

warnings: angst, toxic!suna, suggestive themes(?), destruction of property, glass breaking, manipulation

summary: suna knew that he was doing something wrong, but he refused to acknowledge it. therefore, you slowly dropped five major hints for him, hoping that he would notice them and take action to fix your broken relationship.

status: complete

taglist status: closed! fcygh is over!

© 𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢

chapters

part one: the ghost of your laughter

part two: lingering touches

part three: limited interactions

part four: sleeping alone

part five: rin became rintarou; then it became suna

[joyaphoria]

[ 3:32 PM ; OSAMU ]

he still loves you.

and so all the determination to carry out his plan simmers into thin air as he freezes in his tracks, his clenched fists dropping at his sides. “we not gonna do it?” tsumu asks, peeking over his brother to get a look at his face.

it was pretty cliche—crashing his ex’s date with a new guy—but osamu doesn’t care. at lease he didn’t.

he wasn’t so sure anymore, as his eyes locked onto your figure through the cafe window. you were laughing and smiling.

the faintest pink hue on your cheeks that only osamu ever managed to spot from a mile away, was now being pointed out by your date.

oh.

he didn’t expect for you to be happy, he guesses. maybe that’s why he came up with this plan in the first place.

but it’s harder to carry any of it out, especially with the way your eyes light up with every movement of the bastards lips, every swift movement of his fingers. you’re happy, he realizes.

and that hurts more than anything else, the fact that you could only truly be happy when you were away from him.

when you were with someone else. when you weren’t his.

he says he loves you, and he still does; so he shakes his head when tsumu repeats the question, before spinning on his heel and heading back to the car.

he lets you be, leaves you to smile and laugh with the bastard in the cafe, because he remembers you once telling him, “loving someone means wanting what’s best for them—even if that isn’t you.”

(he wishes it was him.)

[joyaphoria]

the five chances you gave him (3)

pairing: suna x f!reader

summary: suna knew that he was doing something wrong, but he refused to acknowledge it. therefore, you slowly dropped five major hints for him, hoping that he would notice them and take action to fix your broken relationship. suna really did notice them, he just didn’t figure out in time that you were actually going to leave.

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© 𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢

part three: limited interactions

HE wanted to believe that you just didn’t hear him the first time, but he knew that you did. either way, he repeated himself.

“what do you want to watch?” suna asked, occasionally side glancing at you.

you sat next to him on the couch, the space between your bodies painfully obvious. he waited for you to snuggle into him, but he knew that you weren’t going to.

it’s been five days since you last had any kind of physical contact with him, and now he knew for sure that you were distancing yourself.

“it doesn’t matter.” you shrug, scrolling through your phone.

you come across a photo of silly photo of atsumu on your feed, and you let out an airy chuckle before liking the post.

suna looks over at you, his eyes narrowed. “do you even wanna watch a movie?” he scoffs, standing up and tossing the remote on the table. “you’re pissing me off.”

“excuse me?” you furrow your eyebrows and stand up, glaring straight at him. “i’m pissing you off?” you snicker and shake your head. “you don’t get to fucking talk!”

“i don’t get to talk?!” his voice raising as he followed you to the bedroom. “i’m making a fucking effort and you’re probably fantasizing about atsumu right next to me!”

you stop in your tracks at that, slapping a hand across his face. “you’re fucking kidding me, right?” you want to do anything—most of all laugh at him, but you’re past that. “now you’re making an effort? where was that effort for all those fucking months? huh, rin?”

you shoved him out of your way as you walked over to the closet to find a backpack. “so what? you’re packing up and leaving?” he chuckles, his fists clenched at his sides.

“i’m staying at mei’s for a bit because i’m fucking tired of you!” you turn around to scream in his face, before walking around him and throwing your dresser open, random shirts and pants stuffed into your bag or launched on the floor. “with your nonsense about fantasizing about ‘tsumu... i bet atsumu wouldn’t treat me like this!”

everything went quiet, except the sound of clothes being packed. it had slipped passed your lips—you didn’t mean it.

“what the fuck did you just say?” his breaths are heavy now, and your pinned between him and your dresser—except it wasn’t an arousing situation—no, his eyes were filled with rage, and you would be lying if you said you weren’t afraid of him like this.

“i said, atsumu wouldn’t treat me like this.” now you’re all in his face, because you weren’t a pussy. “get away from me, you fucking bastard.” you shove him off of you, storming your way to the bathroom.

“you’re a fucking whore, you know that?” he growls, watching tears stream down your face in the bathroom mirror as you dig through the drawers for a spare toothbrush.

“i’m the whore? well guess what! this whore waits up for you every night and tolerates your shitty behaviour!” you shriek, unashamed of the droplets falling helplessly down your face. “i do anything, everything, but you can’t even acknowledge it!”

he’s quiet at that, cause he knows it’s true.

he watches as you make your way out of the room, and waits a few minutes until he hears the front door slam shut.

suna really was worried, but he knew that he didn’t have a reason to be. it wasn’t the first time that both of your built up emotions have exploded altogether, always ending with a slam of the door—except it was always you leaving.

although suna has never laid a hand on you—and never will—you never wanted to stick around for things to get worse—worser than it’s been before.

it was all just insults—insults casually thrown around like they were nothing, despite the fact that each word carried a strong burden with it.

the regrets never seemed to tame your minds—not until you were apart.

that’s when suna finally fell down onto the bed, his head between his hands. it was a yell he decided to let out—this time with a random object thrown onto the floor, accompanied with a glass shattering\.

it was a picture frame—one with you and suna smiling at an amusement park. you were both happy then. he wanted to know what changed.

while he broke another picture frame, you sat with mei, balling your eyes out.

“shh... don’t worry, i’m here.” mei comforted you, rubbing circles on your back as you cried on her floor.

“i just want to stop fighting with him.” you sobbed out. “i want everything to be okay again.”

“oh baby, everything is okay!” she reassures you. “if this is how things are meant to play out, then it is what it is. remember what the kind lady at the cafe said.”

“but i don’t want what she said to be true.”

after a few days had passed, suna was sure you weren’t gonna come back, until he heard the front door open.

he hopped up from the bed—glad that he had cleaned the house the other day—and walked out the bedroom, where he found you taking off your shoes.

“hey.” he mumbled, and you didn’t respond to him.

you removed the backpack and left it by the door, walking over to him. “can we talk?” he asked, watching as you passed right by him, entering into the bedroom with a quick “no, thanks.”

“please?” he pressed on, but you shook your head, crawling into your side of the bed.

“night, rin.” you whispered.

he was okay, though. he was sure that you would want to talk to him in the morning.

except you didn’t. 

now, he had this scene that play over and over, every single night. 

he would come home from practice, but you wouldn’t be in the same place as usual. you weren’t sitting at the table waiting for him with dinner ready—no, you were always either bathing, or already asleep.

did he not mean that much to you anymore, that you didn’t need to make sure he came home?

who was he to complain though? he took advantage of your love for him, with all the endless nights that he stayed out. why did he deserve to have someone to make sure that he came home safe?

but even so, as he came home from work today, he wished that he was still deserving of your love.

he wished that he could see you smile at him from your same spot at the table, with a “hey rin, how was practice?”

but that wasn’t what was really bothering him.

it was the fact that there was always food in the fridge for him to microwave after a long day. the fact that the laundry was always done, and that his clothes were always washed for him to use again.

it was the fact that every morning when he would wake up with no one beside him, there would still be a plate of breakfast left on the table for him, with a note saying “make sure you eat, rin.”

it was the fact that even if the love would probably be lost one day, you still cared for him. even if you rarely spoke to him since that last argument, you still secretly took care of him.

it was the fact that every now and then, he got the urge to wrap his arms around you, and to cuddle you once again. he wanted to laugh with you, and to go on cheesy dates with you, and to once again do what normal couples do.

it was the fact that only as your relationship began to crumble to the ground, had he began to realize that he still loved you.

shit—he still loved you.

but it was too late.

[joyaphoria]

hey!! idk rlly how to ask requests so sorry if this sounds weird :> but if u feel up to it, could u maybe do a part 2 of the ‘atsumu abuse’ one-shot..? like where osamu is comforting reader? ofc u dont have to aaa

a/n: how could i not bae? i’ve been too cruel, here’s the comfort you’ve requested <3

tw: mentions of abuse, bruises, broken bones (?)

part one here

one step forward, one step back. repeat.

“’m not gonna hurt ya, y/n.” osamu whispers, his hand reaching out to you.

does he not see what this looks like? backing you into an alleyway, mumbles of what seemed to be empty promises?

“please, just—” looking around for an escape, for anything, you realize that you’re trapped. “—just leave me, please.”

you trip over your leg and stumble back, your arm bumping into the garbage disposal bin behind you.

your mind fogs over as you cry out, a veil of blurry white washing over your eyesight as you wobble for stability.

and you think you got it, until osamu hoists you up, and you’re kicking and screaming for someone—anyone, to come find you; to come save you.

“oi, quit all the racket, ‘m tryna help ya.”

but his warnings fall on deaf ears while you sob, “i promise i won’t tell anyone about atsumu, just please, let me go.”

as if on cue, osamu drops you (a little roughly) while you scramble away from him, your back against the alley wall.

“ya think ‘m tryna keep ya quiet?” he steps back as if you had wounded him, his brows furrowed together in disbelief. “’tsumu’s a monster, and ‘m sorry i didn’t see this from before.”

but you’re too afraid—too hurt, to believe him, your trust shattered and broken from all the times atsumu told you he loved you, from all the times you went back, only to leave with a multitude of purple stains across your skin.

and osamu sees this in the way you cower in the corner, curling up into a protective ball, as if he were to hit you.

“listen, ya don’t have to trust me, okay?” he crouches down at a safe distance, holding out his hand to you. “but i promise i don’t want to hurt ya. i just wanna get ya home safely.”

popping your head out from under your arms, you observe his face for any sign of malice.

his features are softened, his lips twitching into the best grin he could muster. he wants to help you.

so you hesitantly take his hand, and allow him to carry you home, when you realize that you don’t have enough energy to power your legs to move.

with your parents at work and atsumu still out and about, you allow osamu to stay and sleep on your floor for protective measures.

atsumu has broken a lot of things in you—both mentally and physically—and osamu vows to help you repair every last one of them. it’s a long journey, but it’s something you’ll never have to endure on your own.