#—'i am literally garbage right now' ( in comparison ) way ))

[not-bcring]

✧   「   @wrinkled-sheets-and-sunlight   」   ✧  - Continued from ★  

「 ☆ 」 What happened with Gundham was a one-time mistake... Overly-horny impulse that doesn't count. If one were to ask ❛ count for what? ❜ — which they never would because no one can EVER KNOW —Kazuichi would ( hypothetically ) respond with a curt ❛ everything ❜ . It doesn't count as gay. Gundham had assured him so, insisting Kazuichi's sexually would remain intact. So he merely thinks of it as... not sex but— relief. Maybe even practice, for when he finds a girl he would like to be intimate with.

Granted, Kazuichi had been the submissive one in the encounter... but some girls can be dominant! Although, not exactly what he should be looking for and if he WAS pegged, he'd have to keep that a secret too. For his masculinity's sake. But still... it's plausible. A reason he can turn to whenever his mind screams at him. Asking WHY he offered his virginity to Gundham of all people. Why he felt the urge in the first place. Frankly, it'd be easier to ignore the shame gnawing at his guts if Gundham wouldn't hang around him so much. It's a lot harder to insist their night together meant nothing when it seems to have changed shifted their dynamic.

It almost feels like Gundham is mocking him. Trying to make him feel uncomfortable. Remind him of what they did while still acting as though it never happened. Something Kaz has wanted to call the breeder out on but refrains from. Scared of what it may bring. Unsure if he's more apprehensive of angering the larger man or being proven wrong. A decision that is harder to stick to when he feels Gundham's eyes upon him while he's working. Fervently trying to ignore it, movements are clumsier than usual... Not by much. Not nearly enough to hinder the work of the Ultimate Mechanic, but glaringly obvious to Kazuichi.

Patience wearing thinner by the moment ( tightness in his chest and heat pumping through his veins that nearly makes his head hurt ) , by the time some stranger was bothering Gundham— seriously, did they not notice the breeder's obvious discomfort or did they just not CARE? —Kaz was in no mood for subtlety. However instead of being thanked ( or better yet, the situation ignored completely ) Gundham had the gall to tease taunt him for it. So can Kazuichi be blamed if his response was sort of snippy? Or if he felt the heat in his chest rise to his face in what he chooses to pretend is frustration instead of confusing discomfort.

Tensing bristling as his jumpsuit is toyed with— the echoing memory of its zipper teeth slowly clicking down playing in his mind —Kaz stumbles back a step as if burned from the indirect contact. A weak sound gets caught in his throat, attempting to be a scoff but dangerously-close to a whine. ❝ Why are you here? ❞ Deflecting the question with another, pink hues warily study Gundham like a cornered animal. Lightly fidgeting in place, he toys with the sleeves the other had touched. Grease-stained hands twisting the garish yellow as he spats out against his will, ❝ I fixed your car like- hours ago... What are you still doing here? ❞

Besides watching him like a hawk... Swallowing thickly, he abruptly becomes VERY aware of the feeling of filth on his face. Too far away from any rags he could use, he takes off his beanie and haphazardly wipes at the stains. All he succeeds in doing is smudging the mark and then remembering his shitty hair. Cheeks blossoming a pink to match the messily-cut locks— sticking out at odd angles in a thick and unruly display —he hastily covers them back up, tugging down the garment and not letting go. ❝ If you're just here to— I dunno, laugh at me or something- then... ❞

Then what? Just leave? As if Kaz could enforce that demand... Growling under his breath, gaze averts as he manages to feel even more pathetic. Sweaty and gross and stained by work ( the manual labor of a glorified handyman ) and— ❝ I get it. I'm a mess. I'm a big fucking mess and it's probably soooooo hilarious and you're probably having so much fun watching me do my stupid pointless job— ❞ It's not like being the ❛ Ultimate Breeder ❜ . He's not saving endangered species or taming wild beasts. His work could be tended to by anyone with a decent amount of know-how... At least, that's what Kaz has always told himself. What he can't help but convey to Gundham, words tumbling out in a self-depreciating spiral.

Blinking back tears built up from a week of bottled-up confusion frustration, shoulders hunch and beanie is tugged down as if a shield against being seen as he bitterly spats through a breaking voice, ❝ So sorry we can't ALL be Gundham fucking Tanaka. ❞ Someone important and self-assured and cool and manly and... and with a million better things he could be doing. Places he could be. People he could be with. So why— Why is Gundham here? Why won't Gundham just leave him alone. 「 ☆ 」

[escapism-from-the-real-world]

I’ve been meaning to make this post for a while but it’s a long post so… have fun

So, the power rangers movie, right?

Garbage.

As someone who watched power rangers growing up and is rewatching a lot of the series it does NOT hold up to its legacy.

All the characters lack any real characterization and they (the makers of the film) know it. Instead of showing us there growth, we are literally told, to our face, the struggles they are going through and how this connects them to each other.

They literally have to force them to interact and have heart to hearts because they lack so much chemistry.

And I think part of that is that they are all the “outcast/loner” archetype. Now, I usually really like this archetype in PR (read Dillon from RPM) but they have every. Single. One of them as this kind of character.

Instead of having a typical group dynamic with a heart, leader, smart guy, strong guy, and lancer, with diverse character archetypes, it’s all just, outcast who used to be popular, outcast with autism, outcast because she sent nudes of her friend to other people, outcast for some reason, and, you guessed it another outcast!

In other PR shows, we have so much diversity in how the rangers are. Like, PR is surprisingly good at having a bunch of completely different people mush together to form a team.

But no. They wanted to be edgy. And they could have been!

Like RPM would have been a great version to base the movie off of since its more mature and, in my opinion, the best power rangers and it is edgy! Almost all the world is dead and the air is toxic and the team is full of really interesting characters who just feel so natural and pretty much everyone had a tragic backstory where someone they care about gets hurt/killed by Venjix and it so good.

If I was the writer for this movie, I wouldn’t have so many outcasts. And I know part of it is they need a reason why they all gathered together and got their morphers, but PR has been putting a group of strangers into unlikely situations in order to form their teams for years but now suddenly you can’t think of a better way to bring them together than “they were all outcasts and didn’t feel connected to the city”

Also, Zordon is a bitch. Sucky mentor who doesn’t tell his rangers shit and doesn’t train them and is just disappointed no matter what they do. He barely changes by the end of it and I. Don’t. Like. Him.

Also, the little robot is not friend shaped. I don’t care what they were going for, it failed.

It’s like the movie runners completely forgot that part of PR is that ANYONE can be a ranger and its not just the angsty, lonely outsiders fated to protect the world.

Also the music choices? Bad. Horrible. I could’ve picked way better song choices and let the audience here it. Seriously, how do they not know how to use music?? Don’t even get me started on when they used the power rangers theme, that was so bad.

They should’ve used a orchestra version that shook your bones. But no, we’re left with an unsatisfying play of the theme that can barely be heard with honestly crappy suit designs that I don’t really like and bland, soulless characters that I don’t want to root for.

Just, why. It could’ve been so good, but it stinks. Especially in comparison to other PR shows like RPM where they were angsty and edgy but still fun and good and able to use fucking music in their show like holy hell how hard is it to turn the volume up a little

Ugh, I am so bitter about it. They all deserved better. They all deserved to be campy. Shit, man.

[atwas-gaming]

I've seen comments occasionally saying that Sonic has a tummy, and I never really noticed this until I started seeing these posts, but now I'm honestly curious. I've always thought of Modern Sonic as being skinny. So, out of curiosity, I did some checking, and... it's kind of ambiguous, I think. (BTW, all these pictures come off Google.)

The one on the left is an official render from Forces:

He does have a slight pooch.

It's more prominent in the picture on the right, but I'm not entirely sure whether that render is official or fanmade.

2D art seems more likely to make him thinner, or to have him tuck his tummy in.

I got confused, so I decided to compare Sonic to other characters.

With their torsos in similar positions, Shadow honestly does look a little slimmer than Sonic. Silver does not- but to be fair, he's a little younger and perhaps still carries a little more of his baby fat. (I mean, with Sonic, we can blame it on chili dogs, but how did Silver get a tummy when he's spent a lifetime eating literal garbage off the street?)

And a few other Sonic characters, for comparison:

Honestly, Tails is the chubbiest, but he's eight years old and built kind of boxy, so he gets a pass.

So, really stupid and ridiculous way of wasting time right here, lol. But I was curious. And I, personally, am gonna chalk up any round tummies on otherwise skinny characters to "artistic convention."

[kisari]

ramblings on my personal feelings about my GG fave

i have such mixed feelings about testament's redesign. before i get too much into it. this is the internet so in case any rando sees this and doesnt know me: there is no wrong or right way to be nonbinary. there is no wrong or right way to present or feel yourself. i am against binary completely. i do not believe in transa/ndrophobia garbage.

i also wanna state i am a long time testament fangirlie. i love testament. i am happy testament was added. im happy they came out and said testament is x-gender/nb. testament in the old GG games partially helped me realize i was transmasc/nb. i think maybe thats why the redesign makes me feel a bit strange. first, a comparison.

Testament's general goth vibe and outfit basically never changed until Strive. I do think it's very interesting that from GG-->GGIsuka, Testament gained a six pack and yet also somehow became much skinnier and looks almost emaciated. Original GG Testament was very much a softer type build with no abs. I'd even say in Strive, their body shape became closer to how it was in the original GG.

Along with that, a lot of the design elements are still there, which I think is really impressive. The boots, the skirt, the gloves, and their new corset has the same arm flairs/wraps as their old tube top did. Really, they did a great job keeping the same vibe but showing that Testament has changed. So what's my problem? I've been trying to figure it out for a while. And seeing this concept art for Strive I think kinda cemented my feelings.

It was clear from the beginning they wanted Testament to have a more "fancy" look(lol the hat). In fact the one on the right is almost the exact same outfit but their body is drastically different... And I think this might be why I feel so mixed. GG creator has said Testament was always X-gender, and I think this comes through from their design from the very start. Back in ye olden days, before the Strive redesign, Testament 100% received transphobic comments that I shant repeat. But I'm sure you can imagine the sort of hatred and slurs a transfem would receive. having testament's redesign be clearly, much much more feminine isn't necessarily a bad thing- in fact i dont think its bad. again... being nb doesnt mean someone has to look any certain way. but testament isnt a real person. testament is a character designed by people. how would people have reacted if Testament was more masculine, but they still came out and said they were nb? The poses, the voice... it was all the same but Testament wasn't clearly much more fem? the way nb feels like something only allowed to more fem presenting people i guess makes me a bit concerned. go to any post about testament and look at the comments. its all "SEXY MOMMY THIGHS THEY SLAYIN" type shit. testament p much never received this attention beforehand. testament was also just... not as popular as other chars such as brisket who received the majority of attention in this way.

where am i going with this... idk. in a way, i have a lot of not clear thoughts and no where to put them. again maybe its just because i saw testament as gender goals before strive. and as someone that is nb but wants to be more masc it makes me a bit upset. there is absolutely a pattern of what is acceptable for a nb person to look like(especially when you are transfem), and i guess it just sucks that it happened to testament who i thought was perfect in the beginning. ngl i do also miss their edgier parts also. they def moved away from edgy to a fancy/posh vibe. testament's scythe used to be made of their own blood, and they'd cut off their body parts and remove skin for attacks. i can, obviously accept that this can be a reflection of them growing as a person and no longer self harming now that they are happy... or maybe it was too hard to animate in 3D... teehee....

this walk cycle literally cannot be beat it is the best.

i wanna be them so bad again tho i wanna reiterate. testament is my #1 fave guilty gear char forever i love them. this will not change. i just have many thots and feelings

[phoenixyfriend]

ok. karin vs anakin's genome being 50% the Force. go

Jesus fuck, okay. Uh, fair warning, I know very little about this subject, so it’s 90% bullshit. I am in no way qualified to talk about biology past the high school level.

Anakin's sixteen. He's part of a set of Jedi assigned to a weird mission regarding making contact with an isolated planet of near-humans with superpowers but no space travel. He doesn’t really have a Job here and now, he’s just there as Obi-Wan’s plus-one. There's an underlying plot about Sidious trying to acquire people from Ninja Land, but none of the Jedi are fully aware of it. Mostly they're distracted by all the ninjas and their bitching.

They call it the Shinobi Planet, because nobody can agree on a name for the planet when they ask and the last major international alliance was named after the shinobi profession, right? Good enough, you can change it later when you idiots can agree on literally anything, oh my god. The Samurai are very offended and it's a whole thing.

Anakin wanders a lot. He runs into various strange people and is mostly polite because, listen, half his friends are distinctly not human. When your immediate circle includes nautolans and besalisks and twi’leks and whatever the fuck Yoda is, you’re not gonna blink at a Hoshigaki or... uh... okay that kid just turned into a giant fox, is anybody gonna--no? That’s normal? Just him? Cool, cool, cool.

There’s a kage summit involved in the negotiations going on. IDK what’s being negotiated, probably something to get the ninjas to set up a singular spaceport so there’s somewhere to land WITHOUT ships being regularly shot down by village defense systems powered by that massive flaming purple skeleton warrior or the girl who punched down a mountain or the.. the literal desert? There’s a guy that can control the desert? Is there any way of keeping him away from Anakin?

(Gaara’s tickled pink that the reason someone wants to stay away from him has nothing to do with fear or respect for authority, and everything to do with ‘he is also from the desert and fucking hates it, so he’s staying away from the sand powers,’ because it’s very novel and kind of funny.)

ANYWAY where was I. Uh. Right, kage summit, lots of villages, they invite smaller villages to pitch in, but nobody ever ever ever wants Orochimaru anywhere near this situation, for hopefully obvious reasons, so Otogakure sends Karin.

Really, who else was it gonna be? Suigetsu? You want Suigetsu representing you on an interstellar political field? You want Juugo before he’s stabilized? You want Sasuke, master of ruining kage summits? You want these idiots representing you at the big kids’ table?

They send Karin. She’s a bitch with a temper, but at least she’s not as big of a political risk as... literally anyone else from the snakepit.

Anyway, Anakin wanders around, meeting people, trying foods, showing off when asked for demonstrations. He doesn’t have an Entire Protocol Droid, but he did cobble together a little floating helper that can do translations for him. Assume all translations are accurate and being done by the little helper bot. Bot’s name is G1-0T. Anakin calls it Glot.

He runs into Karin at one point, who’s not super into the whole situation, but at least Anakin’s interesting. She’s not interested in him, because he’s sixteen and she’s like... mid-twenties. And his hair is stupid. But! All these force-sensitive people feel weird to her, because sensor stuff, and it’s not chakra but it’s... something. Anakin is, of course, the weirdest.

(There are non-sensitives in the envoy, so she knows it’s not just a space thing.)

She strikes up a conversation about it, because hey, she hasn’t made it this far to not lean into... you know, being the kind of person who barges ahead with Weird Questions that might lead into fun science stuff.

Anakin is like. Well. This woman’s very strange, but it’s not like there’s anything against talking about midichlorians to random people. It’s easy enough to look up in the core. Not everyone knows about them, but it’s not a secret or anything.

“Wow,” Karin says, though not in so many words, “that sounds incredibly strange, and actually a lot like it functions completely differently from chakra, though maybe it intersects with nature chakra somehow. Can I take a blood sample?”

Anakin doesn’t want to give a blood sample to a stranger. Karin isn’t stupid enough to try to steal one. She’s seen what this Force Stuff can do, and this kid’s got a lot of it. She hasn’t got enough information on hand about it to know if he’d notice.

“How about I let you look at the blood of a guy that can turn into water?” Karin asks, because she’s not going to let him look at her blood. “I’ve got it with me.”

“...why?” Anakin asks, reasonably disturbed.

“He owes me,” she says, and does not elaborate.

“What, there’s nothing weird about your blood to share?” Anakin demands, like the ornery little bastard he is.

“People took my blood against my will for over a decade,” Karin says, with the kind of smile that threatens a stabbing. This is not secret information. Her healing factor is in the bingo book. Plenty of people still want her dead. “Nobody gets my blood except me.”

Anakin has no idea what to do with that answer. Most people wouldn’t know what to do with that answer. It’s not exactly a standard answer.

“So there is something weird about your--e chu ta what the fuck are those scars?”

Karin looks at her arm. She looks back at him. She raises an eyebrow.

“What do you think they are?”

He stares a little longer, and then very carefully does not say anything as she pushes her sleeve back down.

“So can I look at your blood?” she asks again.

“Uh--”

“You can look at mine under a microscope,” she wheedles. “You can’t take any, though.”

Anakin... does eventually agree. Eventually.

-----------

There is a very angry redhead yelling at a machine, and Anakin does not know what to do.

“Is something wr--”

“What the fuck is your blood?” she demands. “It’s glowing in ultraviolet. It burned the dye up. I tried to sequence your genome--”

“Woah, I did not agree to that.”

“--and look at this. Look at this!”

“I don’t know how to read your graphs. None of this is a language I know.”

“It’s garbage,” she hisses at him. Glot takes a few moments to process it. “Look at this. This is supposed to--fuck, where’s the Jiraiya file, he’s standard--this is what it’s supposed to look like for most humans with chakra. And this is a civilian, and a few bloodline users--”

“Do you just carry these around with you?”

“Shut up, you don’t exist. You have--you have more in common with summons than people. I ran a blood test on one of your human diplomats, the ones that aren’t monks--”

“When did they agree to that?”

“They didn’t, I’m just sneaky.”

“I should tell Obi-W--”

“STAY THERE, I’M NOT DONE YELLING YET. Do you see this? Do you see this shit? This is the one and only time I’ve managed to perform any kind of analysis on a bijuu. They don’t usually have blood. Shukaku is sand. Matatabi is literally just fire. This was almost impossible to make happen, but I did it because I’m a dedicated biomedical resea--”

“Because you’re unhinged.”

“--rcher, and you know what? You know what I’ve found?”

“What?”

“Your blood looks like you’re half demon,” she says, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking, a little wild-eyed and clearly pissed at him. “Half of it’s human! Half of it looks like the non-physical chakra manifestations that were torn-apart remnants of a godlike demon. The fuckers can’t die. They also can’t breed. They don’t have reproductive organs! This isn’t just demon-tainted like a jinchuuriki, I’ve got that analyzed--”

“Why?”

“Because my cousin’s a moron, don’t change the subject. You--you shouldn’t exist. Your blood is stupid. Fuck, is this what I’d find if I analyzed the Sage of the Six Paths?”

“The what?”

She ignores him, frowning at papers. “Is--I need to call Haruno, she might still have some of Kaguya’s blood dried on her old gloves from the war, I know she kept those as a souvenir from the whole ‘punched a god’ thing.”

“I’m sorry, the what?”

“There was a thing a few years back, godlike alien demon princess who got sealed into a moon by her sons a thousand years ago, but her immortal sentient goo child brought her back with a giant tree that consumed all the tailed beasts-the flaming fox you saw earlier is one of them--and then used a giant eyeball to reflect off the moon to put everyone in a hallucination at the same time so she could eat our life-forces,” Karin dismisses. “It’s not important.”

“There is--what?”

Jedi see many things. Many of those things are very strange.

This is a little much even for Anakin.

“It’s over, if you want the actual details, talk to my idiot cousin,” she huffs. “But now I need to run comparisons between the actual nonsense that is your entire existence and the actual nonsense that is my cousin’s existence, and maybe Sasuke’s... fuck this is going to be a mess, I’m going to have to cross-reference all the clans with bloodlines we know are derived from Kaguya, she’s the only angle we have on gods like that, unless... maybe there’s still some black Zetsu goo somewhere... Orochimaru must have kept a sample...”

“Uh, can I--can I go? I’m not comfortable here.”

“I need to find Naruto so he can call the Sage of the Six Paths out of the afterlife so I can see if I can get blood from a ghost to compare to yours.”

[wisteriabookss]

An Extensive Analysis of Eris

The recent excerpt from ACOSF has got this fandom spinning on it’s head because it includes a feral-smiling Eris waltzing with Nesta. As a result, people have now delved deeper into his character and whether or not he deserves a redemption arc (or an arc of any kind). 

So naturally, he has been compared to Rhys, because Rhys also appeared to us in the beginning as a cruel, cunning person, who was eventually revealed to have a bigger heart, and a valid excuse (at least amongst the IC) for his behavior.

I made this post to mainly catalogue all that Eris has done, analyze his actions, see if he indeed can be compared to Rhys, and to determine whether or not he should have a redemption arc. 

What We Know So Far

Our first mention of Eris is in ACOMAF, when Rhysand is explaining to Feyre what happened to Mor. I could put the quotes here, but just to save some time I’m gonna make a long story short.

Mor’s father, Keir, declared that she was to be sold in marriage to Eris. Eris is known for being cruel, and Mor begged Rhys to stop it. Rhys brought her to the Illyrian camp for a few days, and she decided to sleep with Cassian in order to ruin her “pure” image. Because she slept with Cassian, Eris refused to marry her. Said, “she’d been sullied by a bastard-born lesser faerie, and he’d now sooner fuck a sow.” Her family, although it’s not said explicitly, basically beat her, and then dumped her body on the Autumn court border with a note nailed to her body that said she was Eris’s problem now. Eris left her for dead in the middle of their woods.

Now, we’re going to look at what he exactly said during this event, given to us from Mor’s POV in ACOFAS:

“Don’t touch her.” Those steps stopped. It was not a warning to protect her. Defend her.

“No one touches her,” he said. Eris. “The moment we do, she’s our responsibility.” 

Cold, unfeeling words. “But—but they nailed a—” 

“No one touches her.”

A pale, beautiful face appeared above her, blocking out the jewel-like leaves above. Unmoved. Impassive. “I take it you do not wish to live here, Morrigan.”

He must have read it in her eyes. A small smile curved his lips. “I thought so.”

Eris took a step away. Someone behind him blurted, “We can’t just leave her to—” 

“We can, and we will,” Eris said simply, his pace unfaltering as he strode away. 

“She chose to sully herself; her family chose to deal with her like garbage. I have already told them my decision in this matter.” A long pause, crueler than the rest. “And I am not in the habit of fucking Illyrian leftovers.”

Now that we have Mor’s side of the story, we’re going to look at what Eris has said about that fateful day during a discussion with the IC in ACOWAR:

Mor snarled, rattling the glasses. “You never gave any evidence to the contrary. Certainly not when you left me in those woods.”

“There were forces at work that you have never considered,” Eris said coldly. “And I am not going to waste my breath explaining them to you. Believe what you want about me.”

. . . .

A frown at Mor as he drained his wine and set down the goblet. “I’m surprised you still can’t control yourself around him. You had every emotion written right on that pretty face of yours.”

“Watch it,” Azriel warned.

Eris looked between them, smiling faintly. Secretly. As if he knew something that Azriel didn’t. “I wouldn’t have touched you,” he said to Mor, who blanched again. “But when you fucked that other bastard—” A snarl ripped from Rhys’s throat at that. And my own. “I knew why you did it.” Again that secret smile that had Mor shrinking. Shrinking. “So I gave you your freedom, ending the betrothal in no uncertain terms.”

“And what happened next,” Azriel growled.

A shadow crossed Eris’s face. “There are few things I regret. That is one of them. But … perhaps one day, now that we are allies, I shall tell you why. What it cost me.”

A main takeaway from this is that there seems to be much more to story of what happened between Eris and Mor.

Does that mean him leaving her in the woods is excusable? No. Absolutely not. He didn’t try to take the nail out of her (which would’ve been the bare minimum), he didn’t alert Rhys that she was there, he didn’t do anything to help her. He started to make the situation even more traumatic by saying vile things to her. Whatever reason he gives for not helping her will be just that: a reason. But not an excuse. Those are two very different things.

Eris say’s that leaving her there is one of the few things he regrets. There’s something in that. I’m not saying under any circumstance that he should be forgiven because he feels guilty, thats stupid as hell, but it is showing that he’s not some apathetic, other-worldy evil person. There’s some semblance of a conscious in him. 

He also say’s that one day he’ll tell them why he did it and what it cost him. By what it cost him, I’m guessing he’s talking about the cost of ending his betrothal to Mor, because I can’t think of what he lost by leaving her there. 

I don’t think there’s been any mention of someone getting revenge on Eris because A.) Rhys told Feyre that, “Azriel found her a day later. It was all I could do to keep him from going to either court and slaughtering them all.” and B) her family was obviously going to do nothing cause they’re the ones who hurt her.

I’m not going to try and theorize what cost Eris had to pay. It obviously is something (or someone) important to him.

But to me, one of the biggest things we got from this discussion is that it seems Eris knows Mor is gay. That secret smile of his that had Mor shrinking, the way he says he knows why she slept with Cassian, and that he gave Mor her freedom by ending the betrothal without giving a reason . . . he knows.

He knew she was gay, so he ended their engagement, no questions asked. And then Mor was dumped in his woods, and he did nothing to help. 

Morally grey, indeed.

(P.S. To the person that posted something along the lines of, “I can’t wait to see Mor’s face when she see’s Eris dancing with Nesta,” . . . get help)

Another excerpt I wanna look at also happens during the recent discussion we’ve just seen, but it has to do with Feyre and Lucien.

“You hunted me down like an animal,” I cut in. “I think we’ll choose to believe the worst.”

Eris’s pale face flushed. “I was given an order. And sent to do it with two of my … brothers.”

That little hesitation before he says ‘brothers’. . . sus. That’s all imma say. (maybe there’s more than one illegitimate son in that family . . .)

“And what of the brother you hunted down alongside me? The one whose lover you helped to execute before his eyes?”

Eris laid a hand flat on the table. “You know nothing about what happened that day. Nothing.”

Silence.

“Indulge me,” was all I said.

Eris stared me down. I stared right back.

“How do you think he made it to the Spring border,” he said quietly. “I wasn’t there— when they did it. Ask him. I refused. It was the first and only time I have denied my father anything. He punished me. And by the time I got free … They were going to kill him, too. I made sure they didn’t. Made sure Tamlin got word—anonymously—to get the hell over to his own border.”

Where two of Eris’s brothers had been killed. By Lucien and Tamlin.

Eris picked at a stray thread on his jacket. “Not all of us were so lucky in our friends and family as you, Rhysand.”

We see another semblance of conscious here when Eris refuses to take part in the slaughtering of Jesminda. To even be in the same room as it. He then made sure that Lucien wasn’t going to die by making sure Tamlin was at his border. 

I’m not putting these quotes here to say, “Look, he cares about stuff , so let’s excuse everything he’s done.” No. There is no excusing any of his actions. Just like we can’t excuse Rhysand’s behavior in the first two books, or Cassian’s, or Nesta’s, or even Feyre’s, etc. But what we can do is see the reasons for their actions, and try and understand why they acted the way they did. They have their reasons, and Eris has his. (P.S. I’m not trying to compare what they’ve done, I’m just noting that they all had reasons to do what they’ve done, and they all deserve to be heard out.)

Comparison To Rhys

As I said earlier, Eris has drawn a lot of comparisons to Rhys. I agree with most of them.

This fandom has catalogued all of Rhys’s questionable actions like . . .

*TRIGGER WARNING: words like sexually assaulted*

Rhys sexually assaulting Feyre three times in the first book by drugging her, and then compelling her to give him lap dances in front of the folks Under The Mountain. He then displayed Feyre again in a sexual manner in the second book in front of The Court of Nightmares as, and I quote, “The High Lords Whore.” 

In both situations he could’ve done things so much differently. In the first book, he could’ve just, oh I don’t know, kept her in her cell? Or maybe brought her upstairs as a normal person?

And in the second one she literally could have been ANYTHING else. Everyone thinks she’s his prisoner, so why didn’t they go with that? Why couldn’t he have just dressed her in some raggedy-ass clothing, messed up her hair, and then tell her to act super stoic or frightened? Really Rhys, she just had to be your whore? (I know it was consensual but that doesn’t make her persona okay. He could’ve picked literally anything else)

Did he have his reasons for doing this? Yes. Does his reasons excuse what he did? No. You don’t have to make everyone else around you act a part just because you do.

So while we may not excuse Rhys’s actions, we can understand his reasons even if we don’t agree with them. Same with Eris. We know Eris has his reasons, and I doubt we’ll all agree with them, but he still has them.

Let’s also not forget that Rhysand made a deal with Eris and Keir that he would support Eris’s claim to the Autumn Court throne when Eris decides to kill his father for it. He also allowed Keir and his court to come into Velaris, and even though they’ll be turned away by every vendor, he still allowed them in. While he had his reasons for doing this (the Darkling army for ACOWAR) he still did it. It still hurt Mor.

Redemption Arc 

My biggest hesitation in thinking Eris will get a redemption arc is wondering where it would fit in the books for him to have one. We don’t know how if his waltz with Nesta is just a one-time thing or if it’s a result of a friendship between the two. The second book is supposed to be centered around Elain, Azriel, and Lucien, so that could also be a spot where he get’s an arc, maybe through a relationship with Lucian or Azriel. 

Either way, I’m not gonna bring down the hammer and say that he shouldn’t get a redemption arc. Tbh, the term ‘redemption arc’ kinda annoys me because it shouldn’t be about redeeming what was done in the past, but more about learning from past mistakes and taking the initiative to grow into a better person. That’s what I want for Eris. He’s not going to magically be revealed to be this super sweet fun-loving guy like Rhys. I don’t want him to be revealed like that either. 

I just want to see more of his character, see why he is the way he is, and, like i’ve said a million times in this post, know his reasons for acting the way he does. 

One last thing before I go. I’m not interested in seeing any relationship blossom between Eris and the IC, or Nesta, and I think it’s unlikely anyways. There’s a possibility for them to have an understanding, sure, but no friendship. I know there are some people who automatically adore Eris because they hate Mor and that’s just stupid. Mor isn’t my fav either, but I won’t cheer Eris on just because he hurt her. 

That’s all I’ve got. If you’ve made it this far, I appreciate you. Really.

[serpenteve]

I don't know if this is a good hot take (or even a right one lol) but I always felt the difference in reception for the SAB trilogy and SOC duology was because of the intricacy of the plots. So, to explain myself the best I can since thoughts to screen is hard sometimes.

The SAB plot always felt ambitious to me. You have the Grisha persecution (which is a BIG problem since that's the whole reason the Darkling is even doing what he's doing), the Fold basically existing, the shitty monarchy of Ravka, and of course all of the underlying racism, etc (truly the list goes on). But the books never seem to actually move toward a conclusion where any of these issues are properly addressed and handled and then Alina is like: bye I'm a housewife in the country now uwu

Whereas SOC is simplistic (in comparison). Literally you just have a group of 6 criminals breaking into a prison to snitch snatch a chemist who's making a super bad drug. BADFORGRISHACOUGHCOUGH cause Grisha persecution is still a big thing no one has addressed but this is not the anon ask essay for that.

The thing is that the plot of SOC book one doesn't have 12 different grand scale things that need to be solved like in SAB. They literally just have the main quest and everyone is merely moving like chess pieces in one of those Escape Room games. If that makes sense. SOC isn't about this thick, heavy 'we need to change the world' plot. It's just 6 criminals being criminals.

The most complicated part of the story is the motivations of the characters evolving over time. The second book follows the same general flow of the first. Get Inej, get their money, destroy Pekka Rollins and Van Eck. Once again, everyone moves as chess pieces. Once again, the big part is character motivations.

The thing is it's just that simple. There is no 'all the countries hate this one particular subset of people and that needs to change!!! We need to make it change!!', and then having to piece together how to dismantle years of oppression and garbage ruling from a monarchy.

Then there's the writing for SOC which is just better in my opinion and even the characters felt more relatable. So now we have 6 endearing (for the most part. You're on thin ice Helvar) characters and the books are written in a way that seems like Leigh actually cared about the characters and the story unlike SAB.

This is getting long and I'm not sure if I made my point, but TLDR;

SAB being terrible is because Leigh put too many issues into her plot without thinking about how to actually fix them and paired it with sub par characters while SOC was the bare minimum and had no bearing on fixing the actual problems of the Grishaverse in general. They aren't the heroes of the world like Alina was made out to be. If anything it just further dug her story grave by adding more underlying issues to her universe in a duology with characters that don't have an active part in fixing those problems. They're just crows attracted to shiny gold coins to serve their own personal agenda.

To be fair, I am bias to SOC but I also know it's flaws and narrative fallouts I just thought Leigh did SAB dirty by setting the story up the way she did and then giving it such a garbage conclusion.

Sorry this got so long I just saw your asks and really loved all the meta conversations going on and wanted to see other opinions about this. Like I said though I don't know if this is really a hot take or right lol

You put it into words!!! 🙌🏽 Such a great point!

I also thing having a more simpler plot for SoC allowed her to focus more on her characters so they are a lot more likable and fleshed out compared to the characters in S&B, even with the story being shared by 5 different POVs.

[franniebanana]

CQL Rewatch - Ep 14

Hey, I’m getting all my screencaps from Netflix now, because I finally figured out how lol. That means I’m also getting the subtitles from there (and I’ve seen a lot of Netflix haters, but at lease we won’t get “Wei Ying, clam down” and other ridiculous errors). This is just for your reference. I hope the quality of the images will be a little bit better. So I’m both looking forward to and dreading this episode. On the plus side, the first half or so is wangxian, on the downside, the rest is not. And it marks the beginning of the Lan Wangji Drought™, and subsequently my least favorite part in the entire series (not counting the Yi City arc, which, as you may recall, I have not watched yet). But let’s get started, shall we?

We left our heroes in the Xuanyu Cave. Lan Wangji was asleep and Wei Wuxian as being thoughtful and adorable. Now they are both awake and hatching a plan to defeat the Tortoise of Slaughter. Wei Wuxian is talking about the fame and glory that they’ll receive if they defeat it, but on the other hand, if they are killed by the monster, that’s not a bad way to go. Again, even though Lan Wangji’s leg is doing better, even though they survived the first brushes with death with both the Wens and the mythical monster, here they are, about to face death again. But they have no choice, right? It’s either fight the Tortoise of Slaughter or starve. The crux of this whole arc for me is that it changes their relationship forever. You don’t almost die together and not have that change you and the relationship you have with that other person. And I think that’s what makes their reunion after several months so much harder and so much sadder (I’m itching to get to that scene, which is so far from here, ughhh).

Arts and crafts project with bae! Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. I kind of love this scene, though, for what it is: the two of them quietly working together, each with his own task. There’s something kind of domestic about it, even in this dire situation. Also Lan Wangji is doing most of the work. It’s fucking hard to string/unstring a bow.

And when they’re picking up all the bows and arrows, I’m always thinking that the others made such a mess! They just chucked the arrows everywhere, dropped their bows. But why are there so many arrows on the ground? You’d think they’d mostly be in the water, as that’s where the Tortoise of Slaughter was. You know? I’m not gonna think to hard about this.

Imagine that instead of the bowstring, it’s actually one of those sticky hand things that you can swing around and stick to walls.

I spent too much time on that, I’m sorry.

Again, Lan Wangji is reminded that he’s injured and can’t be a ton of help in this situation. And I think he’s bothered by this quite a bit—not because he wants to play hero and save Wei Wuxian, but I think because he doesn’t want Wei Wuxian to bear too great a burden alone. And I think Wei Wuxian is coming from a place of caring and kindness when he points all that out. It’s not as if he wants glory either: he realizes that he is their best chance of survival, and he also knows he can count on Lan Wangji to be there for him.

This smile is so warm, so kind, so loving. Yeah, it is loving. And I do think that this sort of relationship is a big deal in the context of this story. You have two people from different clans, who have vastly different upbringings (although there are similarities with their parents’ deaths), able to come together and genuinely feel friendship for one another. This kind of thing is not that common, seemingly, in this world. It happens, right? It happens for political reasons (sworn brothers, etc.), it happens when there are marriages between clans—but we know that it isn’t common to have this particular kind of friendship, because the script literally pointed it out to us: Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. They are different—they are close, they are soulmates, even (in a platonic way). And Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are held up to them as a direct comparison (“Lan Zhan and I went on a night hunt together”). And wangxian isn’t a friendship of convenience—they weren’t forced here together and then they have to tough it out—this was all chosen. And I think this is where the whole “soulmate” conversation becomes important, in that them coming together and forming that bond in the Cloud Recesses was driven by some kind of fate. That initial meeting, those subsequent experiences they had—if those things hadn’t happened, they probably wouldn’t be in this cave together right now. That being said, the fact that they are in this cave together right now is definitely not fate. This was a choice—or a series of choices—made by the two of them. Had there been no friendship or love between these two, Lan Wangji would have left the cave with the others. Maybe Jiang Cheng would have stayed behind, or maybe someone else would have, or possibly no one! I like to think Lan Wangji would have stayed regardless of any feelings he has towards Wei Wuxian, simply because he’s that kind of person. He stands up for Mianmian because it’s the right thing to do, for example. But as things are, it’s important that Lan Wangji stayed because of Wei Wuxian—because of his feelings for him, because of their friendship, because they have this connection to each other. And I think it’s vital that Lan Wangji is the one to first see what the Yin Iron can do to a person, specifically the person he loves.

So I thought this whole little section here was just Wei Wuxian monologuing in his head the first time I watched this. And then he’s suddenly having a conversation with Lan Wangji, and I was like, “huh?” I am pretty sure I had to rewind and rewatch just so I could understand it with the newly-acquired knowledge that Wei Wuxian was actually talking to Lan Wangji. I’m find being a little confused, but would it have killed them to make Lan Wangji say, “Now we can communicate while you’re inside” or something to that extent, after using his little powers?

Anyhow, fuck, it’s horrible in there! I feel like the smell is visceral, even though I’m watching it on my laptop, it’s like I can feel the damp, air, thick with the smell of death and decay. Credit to Xiao Zhan for just really selling me on what it feels like to be in there. Also I’m so curious what they’ve got him walking through. I wish there were some BTS on that scene. I can imagine (because this is how my mind works) how difficult it was to clean his costume after that. Like that crap must have gotten into every tiny little nook and cranny of his shoes, and just YUCK! They were like, “Just throw them out. We have another pair.”

Since Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are in a sense psychically linked here, does that mean that Lan Wangji can feel the energy that Wei Wuxian feels from the sword? He’s definitely reacting to something going on, but then I think Wei Wuxian talks about it later as if Lan Wangji doesn’t know. The romantic in me says that Lan Wangji is reacting because they are so spiritually connected that he can feel when something is wrong.

And now we have this very long action sequence where Lan Wangji does a lot of flying around and Wei Wuxian clings to that sword like Harry Potter on that bucking broomstick in the first movie. I’m sorry, that’s all I think about, and that thought will never leave my mind. What’s kind of cool is that they remind us immediately that Lan Wangji is still injured, by showing us his bloody leg right at the start of this sequence. So he’s flying around, using everything he’s got left, while still being gravely injured—it shows you just how powerful Lan Wangji is. He’s no weakling.

Another cool detail is that you can actually see the staining on Wei Wuxian’s boots from the muck he was walking around in! Nice continuity!

I can’t help it, anytime Lan Wangji yells out, “Wei Ying!” I melt into a puddle on the floor. There’s something about how little he does talk that when he does, it’s important and meaningful and impactful. And, yes, most of his lines are yelling out Wei Ying’s name, but that doesn’t make it any less meaningful when he does it. Every time he says it, it’s a reminder that there is a strong relationship there. As I’ve said before, even Jiang Cheng doesn’t call him by his given name. This is not just an everyday friendship here—it’s more than that—it’s a bond that can’t be broken even in death. That might sound silly and dramatic, but it doesn’t make it any less true. And that’s why when I hear him say, “Wei Ying!” it draws to the surface all of these other feelings. It’s not just a name, it’s not just a line—it’s something so much more.

Also, I want to point out that as soon as Lan Wangji figures out something is indeed very wrong with Wei Wuxian, he goes into overdrive. His hands are bleeding from the bowstring in his hand, his teeth are gritted, he somehow reaches into himself for even more power to defeat this monster.

Seriously? How dare you interrupt my wangxian scene with this garbage? I could not care less about anything going on in this scene. Just fuck off. The worst cut ever. What a stupid cut.

So, as if the Tortoise of Slaughter wasn’t bad enough, this poor kid (because he is just a kid) is now traumatized by the voices coming out of that sword. The pain, the fear, the negative energy—all of it was coursing through him, and worst of all, perhaps, he was even able to use that energy to defeat the monster. And I think, now that he’s felt it and seen it and used it, there’s really no going back. Dangerous? Yes, it’s dangerous, but it’s also powerful, and it saved their lives.

This part kills me every time, though, no matter how many times I see it. Wei Wuxian is just a husk of the person he was ten minutes ago. Where’s that cocky, smirking smartass? Where’s the Wei Wuxian we all know and love? But the reality is, part of him is lost. And throughout the scene, he’s clutching that sword, as if his life still depended on it. He won’t let that thing go, and I also find that hard to watch. And Lan Wangji here is out of his mind, desperate to help him. He runs into the water so fast, as if there is no leg injury at all. And, of course, that’s adrenaline for you, but it’s also just a testament to his strength and resolve and his willingness to go into a literal hell for Wei Wuxian.

And even in his feverish state, Wei Wuxian can’t help but tease Lan Wangji a little, pointing out that he never expected Second Master Lan to be this concerned about him. But it’s interesting that he uses that formal title there, as if he’s putting distance between them. Wei Wuxian is just Wei Wuxian—Wei Ying—and Lan Wangji is Second Master Lan. Whether it’s intentional or not, he’s drawing attention to this hierarchical difference between them, and I don’t think it’s a self-worth issue at all, because I think Wei Wuxian is okay with who his is—I don’t think he has qualms about that really. It’s more driving home the point of we shouldn’t be this close. Or isn’t it funny that we are this close? And he later draws a parallel to Jiang Cheng (again) by saying that at least Jiang Cheng wouldn’t be a boring companion (EDIT: Okay, he doesn’t say that—maybe in the book?). Ironic, because their stay in Xuanwu cave has been anything but boring. But I also think Jiang Cheng would not have been able to maintain his cool at all in that cave. No, I think that Wei Wuxian needed Lan Wangji to survive. He needed someone a little cold, logical, quick-witted, but desperate.

OMG, ALSO! Can I point out the lovely, beautiful, haunting cello music that’s playing this whole time? Not on the OST, which is a damn shame. So you’ll have to watch the episode to hear it, but it’s just so beautiful.

And pause for the clip show that will also make you cry!

“Wangxian.” Yes, yes, the greatest mystery of this whole series—the name of the song and how Lan Wangji immediately recognized Wei Wuxian in the second episode. So I don’t think they ever actually tell you the name of the song, right? It’s like this fun little thing for the fans of the book, and maybe they couldn’t say it because of censorship (because of what it implies, you know?). I’m not a great lip reader, but it looks like “Wangxian” to me. And if he’s saying something else, I don’t care—it is going to be Wangxian to me, regardless.

Man, this scene, though. I can never really hear the humming because you have to turn up the volume so damn loud, and even then it’s hard to hear. Maybe it’s just me. The first time I watched it, I was like, is he actually humming? I don’t hear anything. I was, again, confused. But anyway, it’s good that we see all those scenes with Lan Wangji, because guess what? You’re not going to see him for three or four episodes, FML. FML. FML.

FML.

Can you tell I’m not excited about these upcoming parts? Honestly it’s so tempting to skip it, but that’s not the point of this rewatch. I likely won’t have a ton to say, though, so maybe I’ll do more than one a week (don’t count on it, though).

Okay, guys. Here we go. If you think Jiang Cheng is a kind, gentle soul with a rough exterior, then you may not want to read the next few episodes. I like Jiang Cheng. I do. However, he is an asshole. A complete and total asshole with the occasional kind word thrown someone’s way. I think he cares about Wei Wuxian, as I’ve said before, but that he cares about himself far more. He is the antithesis to Lan Wangji. And that’s definitely on purpose. So, feel free to send me asks or whatever (and that goes for anyone, by the way—I don’t bite and I like to chat with people), but you’re not going to be able to convince me even that CQL Jiang Cheng is a good guy. I think you could try and read him that way, but you’d be ignoring some key things in his behavior and his character.

All right. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s start anew. It fucking sucks that the first people Wei Wuxian sees upon waking up are Jin Zixuan and Jiang Cheng, both of which essentially scold him immediately, as if he didn’t fucking save their lives back there. I’m sorry, that guy right there—yeah, him—he was read to sacrifice himself to save you. Jin Zixuan, “I didn’t do it for you.” Then why? You did it for Lan Wangji? Or you did it because it would be politically advantageous to you because you were engaged to Jiang Yanli? I’m just saying, be nicer to the man who was willing to die for you, okay?

Oh, my god, as if that weren’t enough, Jiang Cheng actually gets angry that Wei Wuxian doesn’t thank him! And this isn’t some macho guy thing where he just can’t show that he cares about him—this is just who Jiang Cheng is. He thinks of himself first and others second. Period.

So aside from those two being assholes, we do at least get some information here. The clans are now all resolved to fight against the Wen Clan. They all know what’s going on and they’re finally ready to stand up against it. The Cloud Recesses is trashed and Lan Wangji left on his own to go back, presumably to take it back from the Wens. I would have loved a heartfelt scene of them getting out together, but that isn’t even in the book, so CQL isn’t going to add that kind of nice stuff, I guess. But they did add this scene, which is mostly just showcasing that Jin Zixuan and Wei Wuxian still don’t like each other, Jiang Cheng is an asshole, and the world is generally fucked up right now.

A reminder that even though he’s in the bright sunlight, Wei Wuxian still has this darkness. It’s permeated him now. He can’t turn away from it. It’s part of him. And it’s something he can’t really share with anyone else—Lan Wangji to a point, but even he doesn’t get to know everything. However, he is, I think, the only one who would have listened.

Cute detail from the book, that Wei Wuxian had carved this into his headboard. What a romantic lol. I don’t have anything special to say other than, y’know, those two could be both guys.

It’s hard to even know what to say here. So much is going on, so many emotions, so many accusations—and Wei Wuxian is caught up in all of this. Madam Yu starts by chastising him for making trouble when he didn’t need to (she thought it better to let the Jins and Lans handle things, no need for the Jiangs to get involved), and then it spirals into this horrible tirade about Jiang Fengmian being hung up on Wei Wuxian’s mother, and in turn favoring Wei Wuxian over his own son because of it. There is so much jealousy and hatred and guilt wrapped up in all of this, it’s hard to even comment. I can’t imagine growing up the way Jiang Cheng did, feeling second best in everything by someone who’s not even your actual brother, feeling like your own father doesn’t really love you as much as he loves someone else. And now throw in that your father doesn’t love your mother because he had an affair with another woman. I can’t imagine how awful that would be. And despite what people might say, it’s hard to really, truly, break away from your parents, especially in a culture like this. It’s important to honor your parents in everything, so standing up to them is a definite no-no. And Jiang Cheng probably feels like the only parent who really loves him is his mother, even though she is the worst person ever. This doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it does help explain a bit of why he does the things he does to Wei Wuxian. I think he’s itching to feel superior over him, and that he’s been extremely jealous of him for a long, long time.

And then, god, what Wei Wuxian is feeling here! He’s the first one to always take the hit for Jiang Cheng. He’s always going to do whatever he can to make him feel better. He makes the sacrifices. That’s part of who Wei Wuxian is—he’s very selfless and courageous. I also can’t imagine how he feels, to be stuck in the middle of this very personal, very private family argument. The kind of raw emotion that’s on display in this scene is hard for me to watch. It’s awkward, it’s ugly, it’s a dark side to family dynamics that a lot of us thankfully never have to experience. It’s horrible to think that even when Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji were basically awaiting death in that cave, it was quite peaceful, though the landscape was harsh. And now that he’s back in this peaceful setting of Lotus Pier, he’s faced with another monster in the form of his adoptive family.

Of course Wei Wuxian knows that Jiang Fengmian doesn’t love him more—he’s harsher with Jiang Cheng because he’s the heir and he needs to be tougher, he needs to be able to lead this clan. I’m curious if Jiang Fengmian actually did have an affair, but if anything, it was probably emotional. I don’t think that Wei Wuxian is his love child or anything. But at the end of the day, the way I read this is just that the man has trouble being there for his son on an emotional level, and he feels bad for Wei Wuxian and overcompensates for that by giving him more attention. The thing is, while I don’t agree with it, I think he’s harder on his son because Jiang Cheng needs to someday lead. All Wei Wuxian needs to do is support that. And he does. He always supports Jiang Cheng. Always, that is, until Wei Wuxian finally starts to think about what he wants to do with his life, and he doesn’t want to spend it torturing people who don’t deserve it.

The Twin Prides of Yunmeng. It’s a nice idea, but it relies on Wei Wuxian submitting himself to Jiang Cheng at all times for the rest of their lives. It makes Wei Wuxian give up his agency. It makes him give up his dream to do what’s right and always have a clear conscience. If he had followed Jiang Cheng into fire, he would have had to lose himself in the process. So this is a promise that Wei Wuxian could never hope to keep. Although it’s a nice promise, it was said to make Jiang Cheng feel better.

Other episodes: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 |

[louiserandom]

Of Punishments and Rewards

Pairing: Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Madara | Rating: M

Summary: The citizens of Konoha have long grown used to (and frankly bored of) the often destructive spectacle that is Madara and Tobirama screaming their lungs out at each other in the market district. During one such clash, however, Madara suffers an accidental concussion and proceeds to not-so-accidentally flirt with, grope, and expose his secret affair with none other than the white-haired Senju he's supposed to hate.

Now this has the whole village intrigued.

Read Chapter 1 on AO3 or continue under the cut :3 Ko-fi info is in the header!

The citizens of Konoha have long grown used to (and frankly bored of) the often destructive spectacle that is Madara and Tobirama screaming their lungs out at each other in the market district. So when today the Uchiha Clan Head, foul mood and all, stomps towards an unsuspecting Tobirama (who really isn’t bothering anybody and seems to be busy enough picking out oranges) and starts shrieking at the top of his lungs about some manner of ‘experimental bullshit' crawling out of Tobirama's 'death trap of a lab,' most of the passersby find themselves stifling a yawn.

Another day, another bout of fires and flooding from the two village founders whose hate for each other hasn’t diminished in the slightest in the two years of Konoha’s existence.

Grown stronger, if anything.

“BECAUSE I AM NOT,” Madara bellows at the end of his first public rant of the day (though surely not the last), “GOING TO STAND FOR YOUR BRAZEN INCOMPETENCE ANYMORE, SENJU!”

Of course, Madara accusing Tobirama of incompetence is also nothing new, although it is common knowledge that it’s the latter who often has to get the Hokage and his best friend out of ridiculously foolish debacles.

(Konoha still remembers how the two godlike shinobi somehow stumbled into quite the deep hole intended for garbage disposal and in their drunken stupor ended up forgetting that they could have simply jumped outーwhat with their immense chakra reserves no less. Tobirama, naturally, had been exceptionally cross that day.)

“Incompetence?” Tobirama only scoffs in answer. “Whatever problem you have with how I handle my duties, Uchiha, pales in comparison to the damage your complete lack of logic deals to society.”

“You shut the fuck up,” Madara snaps, fists clenching and chakra becoming visible alreadyーa faintly shimmering fire-cloak upon his form. That really never bodes well for the market’s survival. “And study the logic behind proper fucking sleep so your complete lack of sense and self-restraint doesn’t lead to more dangerous fucking jutsu that spiral out of fucking control!”

This does perk up a few ears; after all, what novelty of Tobirama Senju’s could appear more dangerous than his summoning of an undead army that past Obon Festival?

“I am conducting a perfectly safe study,” Tobirama says, though Madara doesn’t seem like he believes him at all. “And not of a jutsu but a living being. Though it’s unsurprising your handful of brain matter failed to distinguish the two.”

“A living being with nine godsdamned tails made out of enough chakra to wipe out the whole of Fire Country?!”

This perks up a few more ears but seeds no panic; it’s thanks to Tobirama, after all, that most of Konoha has seen much, much worse. 

“It's a perfectly docile and friendly chakra fox,” Tobirama insists, crossing his arms. “Now for the love of all things holy and unholy, stop your shrieking.” He glances at the mostly disinterested crowd. “You’re embarrassing me. And yourself, though I doubt there’s any room to sink lower than you have.”

“I will fucking destroy you, you worthless piece of shit!” The crackles of a budding Katon flicker around Madara’s fists. “Now go and take care of your fucking experiment-living-chakraーwhatever bullshit, or I will fight you and there will be no remains left for your brother to cry over.”

Tobirama glares, straightening to his full height which has him towering above Madara’s bristling frame. “How so much fight can fit in so little a man,” he sneers, “I will never understand.”

Three things happen in quick succession.

Naturally, Madara attacks. A massive raging wall of fire sizzles straight at Tobirama, who matches Madara’s wild toothy grin with a smirk as he jumps out of the way with the usual easeーonly for Madara to charge at him, fist coated with white-hot flames, and unsurprisingly, Tobirama dodges yet again.

What does come as a surprise is Madara’s slight... miscalculation, it seems, as his eyes linger a bit too long in the general direction of Tobirama’s thighs for some reason, and he’s just slow enough to miss the giant crate of oranges that falls from a panicking store owner’s shelf.

“Madara-sama!” the salesman cries as the legendary Uchiha collides with the box headfirst and drops limply to the ground. “F-forgive me,” the poor man stutters, appearing quite a bit more worried about Tobirama than Madara’s squirming form.

After all, neither of the two are happy when their fights are interrupted before they can destroy at least one building, and as expected, the Senju in question frowns and visibly deflates.

“Madara?” Tobirama asks, tentative, banishing the spikes of ice he’s conjured with his jutsu.

“Mmm,” Madara articulates from the ground, face scrunched in pain as he squints at the sky as if it’s personally offended him. “Mm-wha?..”

In a yet unseen show of kindness, Tobirama walks up to him and kneels to check on Madara’s condition. Quite a few stares shift in their direction. Shouldn’t Tobirama be inclined to leave the Uchiha to suffer?

Apparently not.

“Madara? Can you hear me?” Receiving no answer, Tobirama coaxes him to sit up as he checks over his head. Though unwounded, it does appear he’s seriously concussed as he starts slurring nonsense and pointing at a part of the crowd mumbling something about ‘fute birdsies.’ “Listen, IーAnija will be really upset if you’re seriously hurt, so can you tell meー”

Madara slaps a gloved hand roughly over Tobirama’s mouth. Another uncharacteristic move that provokes many a frown. The pair usually avoid skin to skin contact religiously, even when fighting.

“Your lips,” Madara slurs, eyes unfocused as he stares dazedly at his supposed enemy, “could putーbe put to... much better use than talking.”

“W-what?” Tobirama stammers, shoving the hand away and scrambling to his feet.

“I said your lips,” Madara tries to clarify, before Tobirama cuts him off, “Shut the fuck up, you moron!” he grits through his teeth, extending a hand to the Uchiha as he flops back down to lie on the ground.

“And get up," Tobirama orders, "now. I’m taking you to Anija. Concussions are tricky to heal and I might not be able to avoid leaving lasting effects.”

Madara smirks, and for some reason that prompts a look of horror to settle on Tobirama’s face. For good reason, as the onlookers discover.

“It’s always up for you, Tobirama,” Madara’s slurring is mixed with a bit of a stupid-sounding drawl as he positively ogles Tobirama, eyes once again lingering a tad lower than appropriate. “The question is if you wanna play.”

“Madara!” Tobirama hisses, casting death glares at the crowds now circled around them as one unified and now definitely intrigued mob. “Stop this foolishness right this instantー”

“Stop isn’t our safe-word, Tobiー”

“ーand take my fucking hand!”

“I’d rather have it wrapped around myー”

“MADARA!” Tobirama is trembling with fury at this point, chakra radiating killing intent enough for shinobi and civilian alike to feel it wash over them. The people gathered only scuffle closer, disappointed that the rest of Madara’s sentence gets drowned out by Tobirama’s shout and their own collective gasp. Tobirama pinches the bridge of his nose. “Not. Here.”

“I kno-ow,” Madara whines, finally grasping for Tobirama’s hand only to use it to yank him down once he gets ahold of it. “This hand indefーit definitely needs to be reaching a lot lower.”

“Madara, gods fucking dammit,” Tobirama growls as he wrests himself from Madara hold, “people are staring.”

To be fair, the self-proclaimed honorable and pure-hearted citizens of Konoha make an effort to pretend they aren’t gapingーwhich really isn’t an easy task though, because the display is turning out to be more exciting than any of the village-wide festivities to date.

“Oh?” Madara seems to be trying to raise one eyebrow but ends up skewing his face into an awkward frown at best. “If yesterday’s anything to go by, you don’t mind a little voytriloquism yourself, koibito.”

Another round of gasps follows as Tobirama blanches, mouth slightly agape and lips trembling. Someone helpfully shouts, “Do you mean voyeurism, Uchiha-sama?”

“Yes-yes!” Madara pipes up, still squirming helplessly on the ground. “Voyagerism. That.”

“Uchiha,” Tobirama glowers, a sheen of blue energy wrapping around his limbs as his ire escalates, “I am literally begging you toー”

“Didn’t get enough earlier, eh?” Madara leers, finally managing to wriggle into a half-sitting position, sending a few oranges rolling on the ground. Intrigued and unperturbed by Tobirama’s spluttering (and what a strange sight it is, to see the usually composed Senju at such a loss for words), Madara picks up two of the fruits and proceeds to shock the bystanders to the core once more, “You know, they say fresh squeezed oranges are good for you in the morning, but I think your fresh squeezed diー”

“MADARA, NO!” Tobirama roars, this time quite evidently to drown out Madara’s words.

“Madara, yes,” the Uchiha moans, “that’s all I remember you saying to me this morning.” A few desperate “Kai” resound in the area as Madara Uchiha incarnate starts licking the oranges in his hands. He keeps eye contact with Tobirama all the while as he sucks on them, shameless and wanton, swirling his tongue over the fruits with such wanton enthusiasm one might think him a common harlot. “Remind you of anything, To-bi-ra-ma?”

Needless to say, the world plunges into chaos. Choruses of cheers and wolf whistles, sounds of both affront and confusion erupt from the bystanders as quite a few women rush to cover their husbands’ eyes lest they require the same astonishing level of skill from them.

Tobirama, meanwhile, seems to have finally regained his ability to act, if not speak, and proceeds to grab Madara by his collar and drag him into a wobbly stance, slapping a hand bathed in faint green glow against the Uchiha’s forehead.

"Get permanent brain damage for all I care.” Tobirama gives Madara a pretty hard shake. “Now will you stop fucking talking?”

"You don’t tell me what to do, Senju,” Madara grumbles, looking a bit steadier on his feet now even as his voice still sounds a bit shaky. “And how did I get here?”

Tobirama ignores him, directing one last glower at the excited crowd as he commands, “Don’t you dare speak a word of this to the Hokage,” before disappearing into thin air with Madaraーhis secret lover, something Konoha still can’t wrap its collective head aroundーin tow.

Granted, the younger Senju must have sensed his brother’s approach because the next second none other than Hashirama steps into the market with the usual wide grin on his face, flowers sprouting on each patch of ground he steps on. The crowd stills and grows silent but for a few moments as Tobirama’s order rings clear in their minds, and yet,

“What happened here?” Hashirama asks in childlike confusion.

In just a handful of moments, it proves too much of a temptation for Konoha prolific rumor mill to resist.

“Madara was doing what in front of my Otouto?!”

[joebrickwoll]

I usually agree with you, but I’ve gotta say I think you’re really off about the Campbell praising. He’s praised because he a) has never been a starting goalie and is doing a decent job of it, and b) is making big saves when they need him to. Yeah, he let in a soft goal! And he made those two blunders against the Sens. But he doesn’t do the big blunders often, at all, whereas recently Fred has been making bad decisions. I love him. But he’s hurt, and he’s been playing hurt. And making decisions hurt. It’s not “an ugly look” to give a back up goalie — who now has the net (because of what seems to be a bad injury for our starter) — some love and praise. He is currently playing better than Fred, mistakes or not. It’s not unreasonable to give him more slack than we gave Fred. As I mentioned, he’s never been a starting goalie. And when Fred is back he’ll get his net back! So what is the harm in praising our back up when he does well? Or at least does decently? Fred recently has let in goals near the end of games when the team needs a big save... Campbell saved a big one last night near the end off McDavid. I feel like you’re missing a lot of nuance.

I hear you and you’re allowed to disagree with me but I actually think this is an over simplified view of my criticism here. I would never say we shouldn’t celebrate a back up goalie playing well, that just doesn’t make sense. I also think you may be seeing something different than I am if that’s all you think is going on. 

what I’ve seen is people writing off mistakes or even celebrating jack for things that those same people have berated and disparaged freddie for (when healthy jack has an .850 game it’s not his fault but when injured freddie does he’s garbage, washed, old, lazy, etc), I’ve seen people celebrating freddie’s injuries and hoping he’ll be off long term, speculating that he’s battling a mental illness or that he’s faking his injury because the fans have been mean to him. I’ve seen people say that because freddie doesn’t self flagellate in the media after every mistake the way jack does that that means that he’s arrogant or somehow that correlates to him blaming his teammates for all his mistakes (something he’s absolutely never done) and that jack by comparison is so humble and doesn’t deserve any heat for his mistakes (which he’s human as well, we shouldn’t be so hard on any of them wtf). I’ve seen people suggest that the fact that the team plays a more defensively responsible game in front of jack than they do in front of him should be read as some sort of indictment of freddie as a person and how the team hates him and loves jack. I’ve seen disrespectful comments about his personality, his work ethic, and his personal relationships, many of those comments comparing him directly to how jack is perceived in comparison (as if jack isn’t also obsessed with freddie but ok). that’s the nuance i’m referring to when i’m talking about it being an “ugly look”

beyond the vitriolic though I’ve seen legitimate play criticism that doesn’t make sense. there’s been quite a lot of side by side comparison of their playing as if it’s apples to apples which I take a lot of issue with. they are roughly the same age, they were drafted and started playing at the same time, they’ve both had periods of injury, but they’ve been handled with some massive differences. since 2017 freddie has statistically played more than any other goalie except connor hellebuyck (arguably the best goalie in the league). he has been ridden out year after year behind what has been an embarrassingly poor defence, a young forward core who is only now learning to play both ways, and with limited back up support. he has been ridden into the ground and is very rarely allowed proper time to rest and recover when he’s injured or even just banged up. rather he is expected to play through and takes the heat when he isn’t able to continue to carry the team through those periods without complaint. look at this last few months as a perfect example. freddie was injured in february in a game against montreal, and jack had been hurt in january against calgary. jack was allowed the time to rest and recover and lo and behold he looked solid when he returned. freddie wasn’t extended that courtesy but we’re still seeing the flood of arguments made that freddie “lost the net” because jack was allowed to recover and freddie was expected to play when anyone with eyes could see his range of motion and reactionary speed were impacted. and i’ve even seen people criticize freddie for this too. suggesting that it was him pushing to keep playing and it’s his fault as though a) freddie hasn’t been more than willing to pull himself or take time to recover in the past when something wasn’t right (he has), or b) it’s not literally a coach’s job to manage that type of thing because players don’t have the ability to be objective

folks talk about freddie not making “big saves” and that’s just not true. you specifically mention jack making a late save against mcdavid, well freddie actually stole the leafs a point earlier in the season in a game they had no business being even close on by making a last minute “big save” against mcdavid. but i get it, who cares, what have you done for me lately right? and you know what? i guess in a really sick way it makes sense. why not handle the goalie you have on contract for one more year but care and respect and just ride the one on the expiring deal into dust. jack has had a good track record in the 70 games he’s been able to play since 2013, freddie similarly has a good track record in the almost 400 he’s played in the same time period. of course freddie has made more mistakes, he’s played exponentially more games and if you were to base his performance off of 70 games well spread out over his career I think you would find a much more favourable view of his performance. 

so yea all that to say there’s nothing wrong with being happy that jack is doing well, but it’s naive to think that’s all that’s happening here. if you don’t believe me I invite you to google either of their names, search twitter for a few minutes, listen to any leafs focused broadcast or podcast, look at their own instagram comments and see that it’s so much more insidious than just celebrating a back up performing well. 

[masteroftheblade]

What are your favorite and least favorite animes? Why do you like/dislike them?

oh god here we go lmao 🤠👍 prepare for an entire novel as always lol

my favorite animes atm are Naruto, Dragon Ball, Attack on Titan, and Claymore. Overall, my favorite genre of anime is shonen (and in case you dont know what that is, its basically shows that are marketed to young boys. it'll have shit like superpowers and poorly written female characters). My least favorite genre is Shoujo (marketed at young girls). I honestly don't hate the entire genre, I just hate how much romance is in there since im pretty romance-repulsed. If there were more Shoujo series like Claymore, I'd probably be in love w/ it. I'll start talking about these shows individually, starting w/ Naruto.

1. Naruto.

Honestly, the only reason I started watching Naruto was because my friends peer pressured me into doing it, and it actually differed from what I expected it to be story-wise. The beginning of the show started off amazing; it had excellent world building, magic systems, interesting characters, and it attempted to address how messed up the whole shinobi system is. But then Naruto got on the front page of Shonen Jump, and everything went down from there. It started to focus more on cool fight scenes than the actual plot. I wont get too much into that, because you can literally find entire blogs dedicated to dissecting that, but Naruto killed itself w/ its own popularity. That said, I love the characters and world building and I can look past most of its flaws anyway.

Would I recommend reading/watching it? Yes, but only to say you did it for bragging rights. Don't go into watching Naruto if you want deep looks into imperialism and militarized governments, because you will get the complete opposite of that :P Also the best way to watch it is to watch it with friends.

2. Dragon Ball.

I only started watching DB about a month ago, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I think its a garbage series. The fight scenes have little to no weight to them, because no matter what, the protagonist of that episode will always succeed in some way. For example, when Goku (a 12 y/o boy) was fighting Giran (a 10ft tall godzilla man) and was getting his ass beat until Goku just... randomly grows back his tail that was cut off earlier and wins. We are never told why he grew back his tail, and i think he only gets it back so he can have a cool fight scene in a later episode. Goku can literally be battling genocidal gods and he will still always win. The show also goes out of its way to sexualize/show a female character being harrassed. Every. Fucking. Episode.

That said, it is a fun show, and I really enjoy watching it. Like Naruto, I really love the characters and the world they are in, I just hate the way it was handled, and its painfully obvious that DB was made by a bunch of old men in the 80s. Unlike Naruto, however, I really appreciate how simple it is. It doesn't force a narrative about space genocide or whatever being bad, and I'm very thankful because that kind of narrative would be absolutely botched in this kind of series. It's also nice to have a show that doesn't take itself too seriously. Shows like AOT are amazing and important, but those shows can be overwhelming with their heavy subject matter. I would only recommend watching DB if you want to see some really good art/character design. Don't take the show seriously, and you'll have a good time.

3.Attack On Titan.

This anime was actually the first I've ever seen! I saw the very first episode when it aired in 2014, so I'm definetely biased in that regard, but I still try to look at this show in the most objective way I can. This show does almost everything right. The pacing, the characters, the art, the plot, you name it. It takes a concept that looks silly on paper and turns it into this grueling story about war, politics, and the trauma of being a soldier. It never treats it's characters like they're only one-dimensional, or like they are there just for one purpose only. These characters feel human in a way Naruto and Dragon Ball could never be. But there is one thing that has me concerned about this show, and its about the weirdly anti-Semitic undertones it has.

You probably heard the controversy already, but it really effected the way people on the outside of the fandom view the series. The show is heavily inspired by European culture, specifically that of Germany, and there are an ethnic group of people called The Eldians in the show that are pretty anti-Semitic in this kind of setting. The Eldian people have the capability of turning into Titans, and the Titans are what divided the world and killed millions. As a result, another group of people started doing the shit the Nazis did to Jewish people, basically making the Eldians into this weird allegory for the holocaust??? Which was kind of a shock to me when I first realized that was the angle they were going for. I genuinely did not expect that considering what the series started off as. The foreshadowing is there and all, I just didn't think they'd use real-world events as inspiration.

Now, this actually has the complete opposite problem Naruto and DB had. Naruto and DB had amazing ideas and concepts that went to shit, AOT's whole holocaust narrative was trash from the beginning.

The show could have easily had a different kind of social/political commentary without even going near the holocaust narrative. It comes off as kind of a half assed idea that people put way too much effort in, so it's kind of in this weird grey-area between "modern anime masterpiece" and "what the fuck were they trying to get across with this show?". If you asked me what the moral of the show was, I wouldn't be able to tell you.

Now, because of the fact that the Eldians can literally turn into man-eating beasts, this makes the comparison of Jewish people and Eldians very racist, and it doesn't help that Japan is still full of legitimate Nazis, making the whole situation look even worse. Since I am not Jewish, I wont speak for other Jewish people. There is a very heated debate on whether the show is racist, and frankly I don't think it's within my right to say if it is or isn't. What I will say, is that I really loved the show and appreciated the social commentary it provided, and I think a lot of people would benefit from watching it, but I think it's also important to listen to Jewish people's views on the show. For this reason, I specifically avoid reblogging AOT stuff, but I do love that show and I wont hate on people who do reblog stuff from it. It's definitely not a light watch, but it does provide a lot of thinking material.

4. Claymore.

This. Show. Was. Amazing. But. Underrated.

First off, this is a shonen show that is led by a majority female cast and a female protagonist, and all of those women are badass swordwielding lesbians and I love it. Second, the art style is beautiful. Third, the story is really interesting from so many angles, so much so I am not even going to mention what its about because you dont need to know, you just need to watch it and see what happens. The first season was an absoloute ride of a show, and if you love shows like AOT or Berserk, you'll love Claymore. Honestly, this show was what AOT should have tried to be. It also has its fair share of militarized imperialist commentary, but this is the only show on this list that actually fucking critiques imperialist ideals and has a main character that actively refuses to participate in that kind of oppressive system, choosing to fight it all together.

But the show got fucking cancelled right before the first arc even finished. You can thank shows like Naruto for that 🙃🙃🙃

10/10 Would reccomend, but just be prepared to be left on a major cliffhanger. You can try reading the manga, but it's kind of hard to follow since all of the warrior girls look the same.

[nonpuppet-sanderssides-ep]

Learning New Things about Ourselves Transcript

This transcript was done by @rosesisupposes​ @everphantom @crushingonanartist @fandomsofrandom​ (who’s urls may or may not have changed at some point, and others, who’s urls had been lost to time and my disorganization.)

This transcript was created for the purpose of creating a comic-version of the video for those who were uncomfortable with the puppetry. This project has been effectively abandoned, and the blog shall be treated as an archive for the work that had been completed. (as explained in this post)

The transcript had been partly split up to create places for artists to draw individual sections, which has remained in tact in this transcript. If people want to utilize this transcript for creating a comic or drawing, I entirely welcome it! As long as all the characters follow a human design, tag this blog and I’ll reblog it. 

14:58 Thomas: Oh, Logan! You’re up!

14:59 Logan: If by up you mean I am not down...to do this, you are correct. 

15:04 Roman: Oh big surprise coming from no fun-son honey dew-dew. Last second addition there, made it, stuck the landing.

15:10 Patton: Aw, Logan come on! We need you at the table if we’re gonna be learning!

15:14 Logan: Please. It has become quite clear that me cosigning all of your ridiculous antics is just a formality. When all of you decided on using puppets to address a serious issue, logic was already figuratively thrown out the window.

15:25 Roman: *dramatic sigh* Again, you don’t have to use the word figuratively. We know you that you weren’t literally thrown out of a window.

15:31 Logan: How? Have you been watching me constantly?

15:33 Patton: Don’t assume Roman! You know what happens when you assume. You make an as out of su and me. 

15:39 Logan: *exasperated sigh* *mumbled* Thank you Patton. *back to normal volume* I just don’t want to concern anybody by suggesting I was throw through a window. I wanted to communicate five by five that I’m five by five. 

15:47 Thomas: It’s okay Roman, his intentions are there. I mean, who does going above and beyond with clarity hurt?

15:54 Roman: Going above and beyond? *laugh* More like going overboard. It’s stupid.

15:58 *Logan inhales, glares at Roman as he crumples up a paper and throws it at Roman with a yell*

16:01 Roman: Ow! Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh!

16:02 Patton: Meep meep!**

16:03 Roman: You hit me in the eye. You hit me in the eye, you freaking bookgerm!

16:07 Virgil: Geez, L, that was pretty rough.

16:09 Logan: Eh- I’m sorry. I-I don’t know what that was. *pause* Maybe I should go.

16:13 Patton: NO! We are not about to leave it there, mister! We can’t continue this convo, if you’re gone-zo

16:21 Thomas: THAT’S RIGHT!

16:21 Thomas: Look, Logan, you can be like one of those Sesame Street human friends!

16:27 Logan: Like Maria?

16:28 Thomas: Like Maria!

16:29 Logan: Okay... I mean, a more accurate comparison would be that you’re our Big Bird, and we’re all your… Snuffleupagus**.

16:36 Thomas: Pre-1985, before they canonically confirmed Snuffleupagus wasn’t imaginary.

16:40 Logan: Of course. *softly* Clarity

16:41 Roman: Hmph-

16:42 Logan: Okay, so- you’re puppets. Care to explain to me how this is going to help?

16:47 Patton: Well, we could start by having an open and honest conversation about our feelings?

16:54 Thomas: *takes a deep breath*

16:55 Roman: Hmmm… 

16:56 Virgil: *groans softly*

16:57 Thomas: I don’t think so.

16:57 Roman: Yeah, I don’t like that.

16:58 Virgil: I’d rather go live in a garbage can.

16:59 Patton: No! Really, this is important, guys! Thomas, you have to face your feelings head-on! Tell me… *singing* do you ever feel like a paper bag?

17:10 Thomas: Wha- I thought we were talking about a loop!

17:13 Patton: Well, how do you suppose we get out of the loop, mister Looper?

17:16 Thomas: Well, I guess I don’t know… but I mean... like- what do I have to feel bad about? I mean, really. Like- yeah, I feel iffy with my videos. So what?

17:27 *Roman sighs as Thomas continues*

17:27 Thomas: Big deal. The ‘problems’ I have wouldn’t even exist without all of the incredible privileges I’ve received. I should feel lucky. I asked for this. So I- I don’t feel like I’ve got a right to feel this way, but-

17:42 Patton: Thomas, that’s ridiculous! Now should you count your blessings? Absolutely! Lots of people are way worse off! 

17:49 Thomas: … oh

17:50 Patton: Yeah, I should not have said that as cheery as I did. --break-- *louder* But… you shouldn’t feel guilty for having feelings! Sure, sometimes your feelings may not make sense, but it’s not your feelings job to make sense! You just… experience them. And you have to do your best to deal with them.

18:07 Thomas: Well that… makes sense. 

18:11 Patton: Not talking about them... is not dealing with them.

18:14 Thomas: Yeah, but I don’t even know where to begin talking about my feelings, because I don’t… understand them right now.

18:19 Virgil: Maybe you won’t have to understand your feelings if you fix the problem.

18:24 Patton: Well…

18:25 Virgil: Logan’s gotta cool it with the deadlines.

18:26 Logan: What?

18:27 Roman: *blows a kiss at Virgil* Thank you!

18:28 Virgil: Too much pressure.

18:29 Logan: Oh, I’m sorry. Except I’m not! Are the deadlines really the cause of that pressure, or is it… I don’t know… *quickly* Roman’s inability to perform adequately?

18:35 Roman: *offended gasp* No!

18:37 Virgil: Well- it’s a little of that. 

18:38 Roman: *weird shocked noise[?]* What??

18:40 Logan: Exactly, boom.

18:40 Virgil: Look dude, doesn’t it make sense to think you have something to do with this? The issue has to do with creating content and his pride? That’s a lot of you.

18:48 Roman: Well pardon me, Vomit-y Central, but when were either of you the experts on creative content? Who are you to criticize my work??

18:58 Virgil: Oh my gosh, what is up your butt?

19:00 Roman: An arm!

 19:00-19:34

THOMAS: Okay, I think it’s clear that pointing fingers is getting us nowhere. So let’s avoid that

PATTON: [Pointing at Thomas] Agreed. Oh, butterfingers!

VIRGIL: [Muttering] That’s not what butterfingers means

THOMAS: Logan, would it be fair to say that with all of this arguing, order is not actually being obtained?

LOGAN: Perhaps we are in a state of disorder because no one is adhering to my instruction

THOMAS: Okay, okay, well, okay, I’m - I’m happy to hear you out, then. What do you think we should do, Logan?

PATTON: Yeah, Logan, help us out, what can you tell us about learning new things about ourselves?

19:34-19:58

LOGAN: Well, it all goes back to the point you made earlier, Patton. Asking the right question: why?

ROMAN: That’s right, today’s video is brought to you by the letter “Y”

LOGAN: No, stop it, stop it, the question “why,” W-H-Y. “Why?” So much of what you feel, Thomas, comes down to whether or not your actions are aligning with your goals.

PATTON: Oh! I think I get it!

LOGAN: What?

PATTON: Yeah!

19:58 - 20:12 [Cut Scene]

[Electric Company Bit: Profiles of Patton and Thomas]

PATTON: Why do you make videos?

THOMAS: Because they’re fun

PATTON: Why did you make it a job?

THOMAS: So I could support myself, and so I could try bigger things

PATTON: Why did your old friend’s question stick with you?

THOMAS: Because…

[End cut scene]

20:12-20:42

THOMAS: Because I always wonder if I’m doing the right thing for a living

LOGAN: Okay, interesting! Elaborate on that. And nobody do any puppet bits

PATTON: Well, that was from The Electric Company

LOGAN: [Waving arms at Patton] Shhhhhh. Thomas?

THOMAS: I don’t know, I guess… As far as I know, we have one life, and I guess I have doubts about… whether or not I’m making the most of mine.

LOGAN: Okay! We’re getting somewhere. Expand upon those doubts

THOMAS: Oh man, um, I… I don’t even know where to go from there

20:42-21:02

LOGAN: I mean if you asked me, I could certainly list off several factors that could be contributing to your doubts.

[Cut to Thomas, then Patton, then Roman all silently looking around as well. No one responds]

LOGAN: If you asked me, I could… gladly share them

THOMAS: [Sigh]

ROMAN: Welp

VIRGIL: [Sigh]

LOGAN: Just lemme know if you want to hear what I have to say

21:02-21:45 epilepsy warning

VIRGIL: Hey Logan, can you list off some of those factors you mentioned?

LOGAN: I’m glad you asked, Virgil. Firstly, there’s no job security, I mean, people fall out of public favor very quickly

VIRGIL: One! One cause of unease, ah ah ah [lightning flash]

LOGAN: You’re balancing a great deal of responsibilities. People have limits; perhaps you can’t continue at this pace indefinitely 

VIRGIL: Two! Two nervous thoughts, ah ah ah [lightning flash]

LOGAN: Your work is inessential. Several may claim that they have been [air quotes] “inspired” by one thing you’ve said or another, but who’s to say they couldn’t have found the inspiration they needed elsewhere?

VIRGIL: Three. Three depressing speculations, ah ah ah [lightning flash]

LOGAN: And oh, oh! I can think of another one. No one takes you seriously!

PATTON: [Audible gasp]

VIRGIL: Four. Four uncomfortable characters in this room right now.

THOMAS: Logan, is that really what you think?

-

LOGAN: Thomas, I have held back my opinions for too long, and that’s obviously not benefiting you. I refuse to withhold my perspective any longer. You need to get a real job.

ROMAN: Hey, yeah! Like being a movie star!

LOGAN: No! A real job.

VIRGIL: Sheesh, you sloppily eat some jam, accidentally make a few puns and now you’re all sensitive about not being taken seriously?

LOGAN: [Interrupting] I’m not a joke! I mean, I can’t be thought of as such. Because there will be times in which I must be heeded and given our current circumstances, I clearly haven’t been. So I’m saying what must be said. I can’t tolerate this foolishness any longer. [To Thomas] You need to change your life around.

-

VIRGIL: Logan, I appreciate what you bring to the table and all, but the thing you just recommended would be a massive change in Thomas’ life sooo I kinda hate you a little bit right now andddd shut your dirty mouth

LOGAN: Ah, typical

THOMAS: I don’t know, Virge, maybe he’s right. Maybe that’s the cause of all this

VIRGIL: Thomas, don’t start. I have plenty of hate to go around

PATTON: Ohhh very funny, Virgil, you cute little muppet! Thomas, you know he doesn’t mean it. And Logan, that was… helpful! When the chips were down, you brought up some very meaty points, you ol’ crackerjack, but this stuff is more than just silly or cheesy, and I’m sorry I keep bringing up food, it’s just the inside of this bag smells like first grade lunch in the cafeteria and so many memories!

ROMAN: [Snaps] Patton, stay with us

23:17

PATTON: Sorry! Boy, I really milked that bit, wakawaka!

ROMAN: (stares in silence, before taking a deep breath) What I think Patton is trying to say is that Logan’s just proven that he’s the worst, and that he’s been the thorn in your side all along

VIRGIL: Could you even contribute like an ounce of constructive input to our conversation today, Dr. Doo-the-Most?

ROMAN: Okay, why don’t you just go get lost in a dryer

VIRGIL: You know, Roman, it’s just too bad your brain isn’t as big as that chin

ROMAN: Well you smell like FOOT!

THOMAS: Roman-

ROMAN: No, Thomas, I know. That wasn’t helpful. In truth, I do feel bad

THOMAS: You do?

ROMAN: Yes

VIRGIL: Well then maybe you should say you’re sorry

ROMAN: You’re right

VIRGIL: Oh, really?

ROMAN: Logan-

VIRGIL: Okay

ROMAN: -earlier, I made you angry. I do that quite a bit, actually. I provoke you, and you retaliated with violence… like a stupid caveman. But! I am responsible for my actions and my actions alone. So, I’m sorry.

LOGAN: Oh, well. That’s. Very kind.

ROMAN: Okay, well, I gave that a shot. I still feel bad.

PATTON: Well, why not try expressing your feelings in a way that makes sense for you?

24:27

ROMAN: Well, that might work. Let’s see (clears throat, then gestures to his right) Maestro?

[MUSIC STARTS]

[Singing] So you’ve gone and called someone stupid And in response, they damaged your eye But, there is where the conflict must end Lest you both end up blind

LOGAN: [Speaking] Another song? Really?

ROMAN: [Singing] Sometimes, the problems at play Are not all plain to see So, we lash out at our loved ones Disregarding our bond sanctity PATTON: There are several sides to us that may seem abstract at first Until we discover where everything fits And, people can be like a half-missing puzzle set As we find the pieces, things make more and more sense THOMAS: Nice imagery, but I'm not sure I follow.

25:27 - 26:00

PATTON: Well I’ll give you an example.

PATTON: [Singing] I had this problem where I’d often hide my less than awesome feelings so when I would feel like sobbing I’d just smile and crack jokes! I thought that that was coping. Only joking, never showing sadness, hoping it would go away.

LOGAN: [Spoken] Did that work?

PATTON: [Singing] Nope! I still felt bad

ROMAN: [Spoken] Aw pat..

PATTON: [Singing] It’s okay

THOMAS: [Spoken] How’s that?

PATTON: [Singing] Everybody gets sad. Even dads that have people to care for! And therefore- You don’t have to hide your pain. Life without rainy days is incomplete!

PATTON: [Speaking] Or, like not even a thing, you know? Rain goes to plants, plants feed animals, plant-eating animals feed animal-eating animals, and humans feed animals corn and inject them with hormones until they can barely walk anymore

THOMAS: Patton?

PATTON: Yes?

THOMAS: How does all that relate to rain?

PATTON: Oh, right! Rainy days. Forgot what I was talking about. Umm... putting it simply, rain is a necessary piece of the puzzle that is, uh, life.

LOGAN: So true. Are we done singing, or is this just one of those musical interludes?

26:22

VIRGIL: On the subject of storm clouds because, you know, you need storm clouds to... make... rain. I'm just gonna get into it. [Singing] You once knew me as real gloomy This weird spooky broody dude Because I knew you'd listen to me As too scary to ignore I thought that I could take it All the hate could just be shaken But when you lo-- care for someone Not much hurts more than their scorn I also felt bad 

ROMAN: [Speaking] Come, now

VIRGIL: [Singing] In a different way 

THOMAS: [Speaking] Different how?

VIRGIL: [Singing] By bad I mean, well, mean But I did what I thought that I had to Which is bad, too I don't have to act all tough

THOMAS: Sometimes love is enough

PATTON: Or what we need

27:00 [END]

[midrashic]

fandom meme, any/all: X, Y, Z?

it’s been an age & a half since i requested asks so PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE TIMESTAMP IN THE CORNER. i love & appreciate everyone who sent me an ask and am slowly getting around to it now that real life is slowly settling back into something approaching normal! 💛 

X / TOP 5-10 CHARACTERS WHO YOU WILL DIE DEFENDING. well, i answered a "top ten characters" a while ago here but the phrasing of this question makes me go in a slightly different direction! so here's five characters that fandom/canon has made me fiercely protective over, either because they got a raw deal from the writers or because fandom-at-large mischaracterizes them. (for example, in every universe matt murdock is a Very Good Boy, but because he's the pov character of a long-running title & the fandom woobie, i don't think he necessarily needs defending in a way that some other characters might.)

aki izayoi of yu-gi-oh! 5d's. i literally think the first online catfight i got into was someone on a yu-gi-oh forum claiming that aki hadn't faced any hardship in comparison to yuusei. anyway aki is my alive girl, my role model and my first crush, the best female character in the ycu (yu-gi-oh! cinematic universe) as of the time i stopped watching, an angel that has never done anything wrong in her life, and half of the only valid het couple (with yuusei). i will not be taking questions at this time.

erik lehnsherr of marvel (all verses but especially xmcu). ok in fairness he did do pretty well for himself canon-wise (original trilogy is NOT canon in this house, we don't stand for that nonsense here) but when i first got into cherik i found that overwhelmingly he was cast in the role of the oblivious asshole across from long-suffering saint charles. & there's nothing wrong with that! it just started to get a little stale when every fic i read was like that. i mean, i adore charles, he is my son, but like, he can be a saint and a trashbag!! let charles drink from a volumetric flask and say the wrong things at the worst moments. so i uh. made a tag. #Erik Lehnsherr Defense Squad, if you're curious.

steve rogers of marvel (mcu). okay this is like. half a fanon thing and half a canon thing which adds up to a whole injustice. that's how that works, right? so the canon thing is endgame & all the articles that were written by mainstream news sources about how steve choosing to live in a timeline branch with peggy made no sense whatsoever. and i even adore steggy!! the fanon thing is that both of the main steve pairings, stony & stucky, had a... tendency, shall we say, to only care about steve inasmuch as he could heal his love interest's emotional wounds & also fuck them. not all stucky/stony fans! not even most. but i think someone once said that steve was more like a glorified walking dildo than a character for certain writers of these tendencies, and... yeah. that was apt. i don't know if it's like that now, i haven't read mcu fic in a long time (except for whatever sabre has going on), but the two moderate irritations combine to make me massively defensive over him.

samuel chung / blindspot of marvel (616). WHY IS HE NOT A MAJOR CHARACTER IN ZDARSKYDEVIL? RACISM. THAT IS WHY.

mary winchester née campbell of supernatural. the fact that she was NOT immediately embraced by the fandom upon her resurrection is absolute garbage. i was writing garbage mary meta in like, season eight pushing back against the perception that if mary had raised sam & dean instead of john, everything would've been perfect and wonderful and canon would be solved, as though she wasn't a deeply fucked up person just from the glimpses we saw of her in seasons 4 and 5!! as though she didn't pioneer the issues that made sam girls cry over him!! anyway mary got resurrected and turned out to be kind of selfish, but still no one beats carver-era sam and dean for selfishness, and also her children were grown, how was she supposed to demonstrate unconditional love? anyway mary DID effectively utilize girl power by betraying her sons and hooking up with Bad Ianto.

honorable mentions:

wanda maximoff (616 and the good mcu version that lives in my head) & jean grey (all realities), who i love in theory but have also never had a storyline that i liked. whitney frost (agent carter), raina (agents of shield), & melinda may (agents of shield), who i straightforwardly adore but haven't engaged in enough discourse around them to like. be mad about it. they all want what izayoi aki has, which is well-written redemptive character arcs. 😔

if this looks comics/marvel-heavy to you... you're right. 😔 no one knows how to abuse a character like marvel comics/studios. even if they do right by one version of a character (xmcu erik) they will make up for it by raking another version of them over the coals (ults erik. i love him but also i love the cw show supernatural. my taste is questionable in the extreme).

Y / YOUR SECONDHAND FANDOMS in order of my personal familiarity with the source material: she-ra, various marvel runs i personally don't vibe with (avengers vol 3, new mutants, & venom come to mind), the witcher, london spy, various parts of fassbender's and mcavoy's ouevres 😔, bts (NO ONE CANCEL ME I JUST LOVE A WOMAN WITH BAD TASTE), dc comics & related fandoms, star wars esp. the mandalorian, [this is the point at which i stop enjoying the fanart and posts i don't understand], good omens, hades the game, the old guard, the magnus archives, mdzs / the untamed.

but honestly if something comes up on my dash enough that i have no familiarity with, i'll block it? there was a period of time right after the old guard came out where i couldn't throw a stone on my dash without hitting an old guard post, and i was really seriously avoiding any information for fear i might get sucked into it. so i blocked it. no shade on whatever i've blocked or its fans whatsoever (sometimes i still read the posts, for example i block "star wars" but read most of the posts anyway--what can i say i am not immune to space himbo/cgi mark hamill) & in fact i hope my use of unique tags encourages people to block my fandoms that they're not into!

Z / JUST RAMBLE this has been less of an issue lately, but one thing i used to see a lot was posts going around encouraging people not to complain that they didn't like a certain trope, or wished a fandom generally wrote a character differently, etc. the reasoning was usually "a writer--fragile beings that they are!--who does write that trope/that characterization will see it and feel bad." & while i understand that, and i have come around to the idea of erring on the side of not leaving criticism on fic when no guidelines are given, i really think that there needs to be room in fandom for people to complain about it for comletely trivial reasons without being met with snide responses of "if you want to see it, write it yourself."

it's not that i don't completely believe that it will make writers feel bad--i was a particularly sensitive writer for years and seeing those "i hate when writers ______" posts absolutely didmake me feel awful--& it's not about thinking that writers need to "grow a thicker skin" or anything like that. it's more of an appreciation that sometimes these people are also writers, & that a general "i don't like when" post is very different from going onto someone's fic and saying "fuck you specifically" in the comments. it's about the way nowhere else do we say to people with petty complaints "hey you shouldn't make this post on your blog about how you hate the sound of trumpets, it could make beginning trumpet-players really sad!" it's about the way that a rule of "only positivity in fandom please!" can quickly stifle criticism of actually important things, like racism & ableism. not to mention that, well, complaining about shared pet peeves is the foundation for many a fandom friendship.

anyway. just let me be crotchety. get off my lawn, etc.

[ the meme in question ]

[whelvenwings]

So I just saw that post on laziness that you reblogged and I was wondering what your thoughts are on laziness vs procrastination? Because I'm going through a particularly bad round of procrastination, but I don't feel like it's borne out of laziness (which to me, is more of "I don't feel like doing this immediately but I will do it soon"). Whereas procrastination is constantly postponing something but never being able to convince my brain to actually do the task (also any tips on tackling this?)

Hello anon!! Yes hello good hi. first of all, ugh, I’m so sorry you’ve been having a hard time with procrastination lately. it’s rough and I hope it eases up for you.

hmmmm yes, so, laziness and procrastination. WELL. hmm. OKAY. these thoughts might be a bit all over the place, so I hope you’ll bear with me as I ramble on a bit. or a lot. probably a lot! I have a lot of thoughts about it all.

so I think I’d start off by saying that I kind of don’t believe in laziness. 

it’s like... for me, laziness is... chronically choosing not to do something that you know you should do, even though that thing is entirely doable for you. that is to say, you have the time for a task, the skills for it, and the ability to motivate yourself to do it - but you regularly choose not to do it.

the key element here is choice. for me, laziness implies not just that a task isn’t done - it implies you could’ve done it, and then you chose not to. but to be able to choose not to do something, that thing has to be completely possible in the first place, right? we wouldn’t say we choose not to fly, we say that we can’t do it, it’s not possible for us. every day that I walk around instead of flying, I’m not being lazy, I’m just not doing something that’s outside my capability. very often (I’d argue always) when we regularly don’t do something, it’s because we cannot do it. it’s not a choice not to do it, because there’s something going on that makes the task impossible in our status quo. I think our ideas about what we can and can’t do, and how serious a barrier it is to not be able to motivate ourselves, are often really skewed by comparison with others. if I lived in a world populated only by birds, maybe I’d think I was procrastinating on flying.

the thing that briefly breaks me out of a procrastination loop is usually panic at the promise of Bad Consequences, i.e. my brain is finally convinced of the importance of the task, but this is a quick one-off fix that doesn’t help the chronic issue, so next time I have to do the same task I’ll follow the same pattern of putting it off until Total Panic Time. and at a certain point, even the Bad Consequences just aren’t enough motivation, and I simply can’t do the task. often I am in distress at not being able to do the task. just as often, the distress is a contributing factor in the task not getting done for longer.

the issue that makes the task not doable for me tends to vary a lot depending on the situation. and I think a lot of people have it the same way, where different issues crop up with different tasks.

- so like sometimes it’s a Success Elsewhere issue. you just can’t believe you can actually decently do the thing you have to do, so you go work at something else that you think you can succeed at. “lazy” to me implies a lack of effort, right? and yet with this one, the things that you do instead of homework or chores or whatever, they often take plenty of effort. like you’re kicking ass at video games, pouring hours into it, because the game makes you feel like you really could be the best!! it’s worth the effort because you get rewards! you’re working, just not at the thing you Should be doing, because you can’t believe working on that thing will lead to any reward/success.

- sometimes it’s a Why Does It Matter issue. sometimes you just aren’t convinced enough that the reward of doing a task is worth the work it’ll take, because you can clearly see that the world is in crisis and it’s exceptionally hard to believe that, say, homework matters when everything feels like it’s on fire.

- sometimes it’s a Fuck You Anyway issue. a lot of people feel alienated by the society we live in, the same society that says hey, you have to do homework, you have to succeed at university, you have to get these grades, you have to be polite, you can’t get angry, you have to respond to emails, you have to do this specific kind of job to make good money or else you won’t have enough. when an authority you don’t trust/a system that is clearly broken tries to shove you into doing something, sometimes you don’t want to bloody do it, you know? sometimes you don’t want to do the small tasks that build up into following a path you don’t believe in.

- sometimes it’s a The World Has Swept Me This Far, What, Are You Saying I Have to Do Things for Myself Now issue. between parents and teachers and societal expectations, a person can go surprisingly far in this world just kind of keeping to the course that other people decide for them. but the map always has edges, right? eventually people stop having a plan for you and you’re quite suddenly expected to know exactly what to do with yourself, and just become a success with the opportunities you’ve been given, but you have no clue whatsoever how to do that. doing nothing in this instance isn’t laziness, it’s not that you want to sit and stagnate - it’s just that you’re doing exactly what you’ve always done: what you’re being guided to do. the only difference is that now you’re not being guided to do anything, so you don’t do anything. you have no idea how to flex the muscles of personal choice; you don’t even know if you have them.

- sometimes it’s a Distraction issue. again, for a huge amount of people, the world is pretty garbage right now. and sometimes you’re clinging on via the happy hormone hit you get when you do something fun, so doing something hard/boring feels like it would push you too far. or sometimes the hard/boring task doesn’t absorb enough of your attention, leaving way too much space for your brain to talk to itself and spiral out of control with bad thoughts and feelings, which it won’t do if you’re watching videos or scrolling on your phone or hanging out with friends etc. given how tailored our brain hormones naturally are to finding the shortest path to happiness, and how relatively easy it is in our culture to find short-term happiness via the internet, I don’t find it surprising that a lot of people just literally cannot engage with doing difficult, boring tasks when there’s a small burst of happiness just one tap away. 

- sometimes it’s an Energy issue. bad mental health is a motivation killer. battling depression or anxiety or another mental health issue just leeches away your reserves for other things. you don’t have the spoons for doing a task, but people with more spoons will look at you not doing it and call you lazy - because for them, the task is doable, and they don’t get that for you it is not.

UGH MAN there’s so much more to it than just these separate scenarios, they all interweave and there are loads more of them, and I want to talk about how being neurodivergent affects these things and how being queer affects it too imo, but I feel like I could go on and on forever so I’ll leave it at that. my point is, I think both procrastination and so-called laziness start when for some reason, a task isn’t doable for you. so the key is figuring out why the task isn’t doable, and changing something, and then hopefully being able to chug away at it!

some things that have helped me are:

- getting little bits of help - when my mum and I hang out, she’ll sometimes just sit and chat to me while I clean around her because it’s doable for me while she’s there. collaboration can ease a lot of procrastination woes for me.

- instead of telling myself “I have to do this”, I tell myself “I deserve to have this done”. so like, instead of “I have to clean the bathroom”, it’s “I deserve to live in a clean house”. instead of “I have to do this essay for homework”, it should have been “I deserve to be able to show the skills I have, and get help from my teachers in the places where I have holes in my understanding”. it’s just like, less focus on the dumb task and more focus on the goal that I’ll achieve by doing the task, with a healthy dose of self-validation on the side.

- if the problem’s really chronic and affecting your life in a pretty major way, maybe it’s time to look into whether there’s an underlying issue with the way your brain focuses? I’m autistic, and I have friends with ADHD, and the way our brains focus/don’t focus on things can be hard to manage at times - but understanding what’s going on inside the old brainspace and reading about how other people handle the same things can be a really good way to start breaking the cycle of procrastination.

[coolgreatwebsite]

Cool Games I Finished In 2020 (In No Real Order)

Oh, hey! Right! I have a website! I’m like a week late on writing this, but what’s a week on top of an entire year of not writing, right? 2020 was... well, we all know what 2020 was. For me personally, it was simultaneously the best and worst year of my life. The worst in both ways you can probably assume and ways you definitely can’t (neither of which I’ll be getting into), and the best in ways I absolutely never would have guessed. That uncertain job I mentioned last year got very suddenly much more certain, at a much bigger company, for a much larger amount of money. That allowed me to get my own place, making my weird living situation much less weird. Still haven’t gotten the majority of my belongings off of the east coast, but if the entire world wasn’t currently fucked up by a global pandemic I’d have sorted all that out too. What I’m saying is that, for the third year in a row, my life has been a complete whirlwind that has left me very little time to get comfortable with any aspect of it. But I did manage to play more video games than I did last year! Which is perfect, because it’s once again time for another one of these. Here’s a bunch of cool games I experienced for the first time in 2020.

Astro’s Playroom (PlayStation 5, 2020)

My one word description of Astro's Playroom is "delightful". It's just an absolute goddamn delight. A total surprise too! Included with every PlayStation 5, Astro's Playroom is, in my opinion, one of the best pack-in games of all time.

First off, it's an incredible tech demo for the PS5's new DualSense controller. It was easy to brush off Sony's talk about the controller's haptic feedback and triggers as some Nintendo-style HD Rumble bullshit, but it really is incredibly cool once you get your hands on it. The game is obviously more than a tech demo though, or else it wouldn't be on here. It also just so happens to be an extremely solid and fun platformer on top of that. Astro controls exceptionally well and the levels are all well-designed and fun, even the gimmick vehicle ones designed to show off different features of the controller. It also has an oddly compelling speedrun mode, made all the more compelling by the PS5 notifying you when your friends beat your times and the ability to load into it within two seconds from anywhere on the console. But the biggest thing for me and, call me a mark, because I am, is that the game is an honestly incredible love letter to PlayStation history.

For the first time ever, Sony has pulled off a nostalgia piece without it ending up as embarrassing garbage in the vein of PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale. There's a Nintendo-like joyful reverence for all things PlayStation oozing out of every single corner of this game. There are so many nods and references and gags for literally every PlayStation thing of note throughout the the last 25 years, and then on top of that there's a whole heap more for the things that AREN'T of note that only hyperdorks like me would get! A sly reference to the ill-fated boomerang controller? Yep. A goof on the fat PS3's Spider-Man font? You betcha. A trophy you can earn by repeatedly punching a Sony Interactive Entertainment sign until it breaks and reveals the Sony Computer Entertainment sign it was slapped on top of? Yeah buddy. It's deep cuts all the way down, even up until the final boss which had me grinning like a total dipshit the entire time. The game is endlessly, effortlessly charming.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons (Nintendo Switch, 2020)

Animal Crossing: New Horizons was the perfect game at the perfect time. That doesn't mean it's a perfect game, I actually have some issues with it, but it could not have released at a better time than when it did. It came out at the very very beginning of everyone going into lockdown due to the pandemic, and it was the biggest game in the world for a couple of months as a result. I played like 300 hours and that pales in comparison to the amount of time many others put into it.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons is the most different Animal Crossing game there's ever been, and I'm of two minds on it. Like, I loved the game, I played a ton of it, but it's lacking so much of the stuff that made me love Animal Crossing in the first place. The series has been slowly trending in this direction for a bit now, but it's not really a game that happens around you anymore. It's all about total player control. You select where everything goes, you customize every detail of everything to your liking, hell, you can even terraform the landmass to be exactly what you want. Your neighbors take a backseat in focus and end up as little more than decorations with limited dialogue and next to no quests associated with them. Series staples like Gyroids are missing in action. Facilities and services that have been around since Wild World aren't implemented. It's similar to past Animal Crossing games in a lot of ways, but on the whole it feels like a different thing.

But like I said, two minds. New Horizons strays from what I truly want from an Animal Crossing game, but I can't deny that the game as it is is a hell of a lot of fun. There's SO much you can do and SO many options, it's super addictive. Plus it implemented my long-requested feature of letting you effortlessly send mail to friends online! Too bad the actual online play is as cumbersome as ever.

In conclusion, Animal Crossing: New Horizons is a land of contrasts. I'm kidding. It's good, but definitely missing something in a way where I can understand some people being disappointed in it. I had a ton of fun though, and I'm probably going to get back into it later in 2021.

Trials of Mana (Nintendo Switch, 2019)

Late in 2019, with the physical release of Collection of Mana for the Switch, I decided I was going to play through each game on it for the first time and finally find out what this whole Mana thing was about. I went into Final Fantasy Adventure (the first game in the Mana series, because every RPG had to be Final Fantasy back then) with zero expectations and found a totally serviceable little Zelda-like with light RPG elements. I enjoyed my time with it. I went into Secret of Mana with the expectation of it being a beloved classic and found the worst game I beat that year, hands down. That game fucking sucks. I get why it made an impression on people at the time, but it's just so so SO awful to play. Needless to say I was pretty disappointed. Honestly, I would have been disappointed even if I hadn't heard it was one of "the best games" for so long. It would have been a disappointing follow-up to Final Fantasy Adventure, a game that in and of itself isn't anything incredible. Secret of Mana is just that rotten.

I braced myself for more disappointment when (after a much needed vacation from the series) I started up Trials of Mana. This game had a reputation too, as a long-lost classic that never made it stateside. One of the best games on the Super Nintendo, criminally never released for western audiences! Like Secret of Mana before it, I'd heard nothing but effusive praise. Unlike Secret of Mana, however, I was very pleased to find out that Trials of Mana mostly lives up to the hype. From a gameplay standpoint, Trials is an improvement on Secret in almost every single way. It's not perfect. The menus are still kinda clunky, animations for things like magic and items are still frequently disruptive. But the main thing is it actually plays like a sensible video game designed by humans with brains. Attacking is responsive! Hitboxes aren't complete nonsense! You don't constantly get stunlocked to death! There are more answers to combat than casting the same spell for five straight minutes to kill your enemies before they get a chance to move! It's great!

On top of being an enjoyable video game to actually play, the presentation is top notch. Secret of Mana could be a pretty game with decent music in some spots, but Trials is consistently gorgeous and the soundtrack is across the board great instead of randomly having songs that sound like clown vomit. And while Trials of Mana doesn't have the deepest story in the world, it manages to avoid being completely paper-thin like Secret. The story actually kind of has a reason for being a bit straightforward, and the reason is that it has a really cool system where you pick your three playable characters from a pool of six. Each character has their own goals and storyline, some of which line up with other potential party members, some of which don't, and you'll even run into the characters you didn't choose as NPCs along the way. This and the relatively brisk pace of the game make it highly replayable.

I'm really glad that Trials of Mana made it over here in an official capacity, even if it was like 25 years late. It's as good as I expected Secret of Mana to be and singlehandedly saved my interest in seeing any more of the series. I'm aware the quality of what came after is very spotty, but I'll get to the rest eventually!

Final Fantasy VII Remake (PlayStation 4, 2020)

They (almost) did it. They (basically) pulled it off. They remade (a chunk of) Final Fantasy VII and (for the most part) didn't fuck it up. Ok, funny parentheticals aside, Final Fantasy VII Remake is astoundingly good coming off of over two decades of just absolutely dreadful post-FF7 sequels, side games, and movies.

Final Fantasy VII has been historically misremembered as this kind of miserable, angsty, brooding thing, both by fans and by the company that made it. FF7-branded media after FF7 itself is a minefield of changed personalities, embarrassing original characters, and monumentally lame stories. Final Fantasy VII Remake is the first post-FF7 anything that actually remembers the characters, setting, and plot of Final Fantasy VII and what made them memorable and special to people in the first place. Which isn't to say it's a slavish recreation! There's a ton of changes and additions, and I actually like almost all of them! Except for some really big stuff I'll touch on in a bit!

The combat in Final Fantasy VII Remake is great. I was super skeptical about it when the game was first announced, but they actually managed to make the blend of real-time action and turn-based RPG menuing fun and engaging. The characters all play super differently from each other too, which is a huge and welcome difference from the original game. The Materia system fits like a glove in this revamped combat system as well. The remixed music is good as hell, and the visuals are beautiful (outside of a couple of very specific spots that I'm kinda of surprised they haven't fixed in a patch yet). It's a well-executed package all around.

But alas, as always, there are negatives. For starters, this is only part one of the overall Final Fantasy VII Remake project. It goes up to the party leaving Midgar which, as you may or may not recall, is the first six hours of the original game. They compensated for this by fleshing the hell out of the Midgar section the game, ballooning the overall playtime to total of about 30-ish hours. The game feeling padded is a common complaint but for what it's worth, I didn't really feel it until the unnecessarily long final dungeon, There's also the previously mentioned and funny parenthetical'd changes and additions I don't like.

This is big time spoilers for this game so if you don't want that jump ahead to the next game on the list. The Whispers suck ass. Final Fantasy VII Remake should have been brave enough to be different without having to constantly derail everything in the most ham-fisted and intrusive way possible. You can have Jessie twist her ankle without making a spooky plot ghost trip her. I don't want to fight the physical manifestation of the game everyone thought they were getting as an end boss. If you're not doing a straight remake, that's fine, but have the fucking guts to stand by your artistic decisions without feeling the need to invent the lamest deus ex machina I've ever fucking seen. The last couple of hours of this game are 100% about the Whispers and are awful for it. It's a true testament to the strength of the rest of Final Fantasy VII Remake that this aspect didn't completely sour me on it. I can only hope that they stay dead and gone for good in the games yet to come and the remake can be different while standing on its own two feet.

I truly cannot wait for the next entry in the Final Fantasy VII Remake project. I'm excited for Final Fantasy VII in a way I haven't been since the late 90s. I have a bit of trepidation that they could royally screw it up. I mean, they already got kinda close, as I said in my last paragraph. But they got so much right in this entry that, for the first time in decades, I'm willing to believe in Square Enix when it comes to Final Fantasy VII.

13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim (PlayStation 4, 2020)

My one word description of 13 Sentinels is "fucking crazy". I realize that's two words, but shut up. A bizarre hybrid of visual novel, adventure game, and strategy RPG, 13 Sentinels not only makes that work, but makes it work incredibly well. 

The story is fucking bonkers. It's told entirely non-linearly and is purposefully dense and confusing, but it does an amazing job of hooking you with a cast of likable characters and some impressively well-paced twists, made all the more impressive by the fact that you can tackle the story in basically whatever order you want. I'll say it again for those in the back, the story is Fucking Bonkers. Wherever you think it's going, it's not going. Where it is going is PLACES. Seriously, if you want a wild goddamn ride, this is the game for you. The presentation is also stunning. It's a drop dead gorgeous game with a really nice soundtrack. Easily Vanillaware's best looking game, which is saying something seeing as looking good is Vanillaware's whole deal.

If I had to levy one criticism against the game, it's that the strategy RPG portion is just kind of ok. It's enjoyable enough, it doesn't get in the way and there's not too much of it, but once it starts introducing armored versions of previous enemy types it's kind of done doing anything different. It is really good at getting people to out themselves as having no idea what tower defense is as a genre though!

Hyrule Warriors: Definitive Edition (Nintendo Switch, 2018)

I haven't really historically been a "Musou Guy". Not to say I've actively disliked them, they're just not something I've seeked out very often or played very much of. Hyrule Warriors: Definitive Edition kinda turned me into a "Musou Guy" a little bit? It's good, surprisingly-less-mindless-than-you'd-think fun.

I actually super don't care about the Zelda branding. I think all the fanservice stuff is meh at best. What I do care about is that there's a ton of character variety and a metric shitload of content. There's so many different characters and weapons for those characters that all play differently from one another and SOOOOOO many levels to play. Like the story mode is, again, kinda meh, the real meat of the game is the Adventure mode and there's a ton of it. It's 8 different world maps, each based off a different Zelda game, with each square of the map containing a little mini-scenario with unique objectives and rewards. There has to be at least 1000 scenarios between all the maps. There's so much. And that's not even getting into some of the other side stuff like the challenge modes and the fairy raising. It's a crazy amount of game in this game.

And again, it's not as mindless as it'd seem. It's not really a game ABOUT destroying 5000 guys, it's an area control and resource management game where the 5000 guys are one of those resources. Knowing who to send where and when to fight who is way more important than pressing the XXX YYY XXX YYY on the more than one million troops.

I'd say that if you're even cursorily potentially maybe interested in a musou game, this is the one to try. And if you like it, it could literally be your forever game. A sequel came out recently too, and I'm looking forward to trying that out soon.

Phantasy Star Online 2 (Xbox One, 2020)

Phantasy Star Online 2 finally came stateside in the year 2020, eight years after its initial Japanese release and initial American cancellation. It's no Phantasy Star Online 1, but it is a really fun game in its own right provided you can find the willpower to break through its clunkiness and eight years of confusing poorly tutorialized free-to-play MMO cruft.

The main thing going for PSO2, and this is a major improvement from PSO1, is that the act of engaging in its combat is fun. The combat is just feels really really good. There's a bunch of different weapon types and classes, and once you find the ones that really click with you you're in for a good time, whether you're izuna dropping dudes with wire claws or literally doing air juggles and rainstorm from Devil May Cry with the dual machine guns.

The other stuff around that combat is weird. I generally like it, but it's weird. The story mode is one of the most bizarrely presented things I've ever seen. It apparently used to be something you'd seek out in the levels themselves, but presently it's just a list of scenes you pick from a menu and watch with next to no context until it makes you fight a boss sometimes. There's some weird moments in there that MIGHT have been cool if it were presented in literally any other way?

The systems and presentation are also way more... I dunno, pinball? Pachislot? In very stark contrast to how chill original Phantasy Star Online was, everything in PSO2 is designed in a way to maximize that flashy light bing bing wahoo you got ~*~RARE DROP CHANCE UP~*~  feeling. Which isn't to say I don't like flashy light bing bing wahoo, but it's a weird different thing.

Was it worth the wait? Yeah, sure! For me! This is another one that I played like 300 hours of! I haven't even seen half of it, I fell off right before Episode 4 released because it coincided with my move! I'm gonna go back and see all that shit! PSO2's fun! A different flavor of fun than the original, sure, but fun all the same. Another one that I'm glad finally made it over here.

Riichi Mahjong (A Table, 1924)

Holy shit I fucking did it I finally learned how to play Mahjong and it rules.

It started when I picked up Clubhouse Games for the Switch. I saw that it had Riichi Mahjong and something in my brain snapped. For whatever reason, I decided that this was the time I was going to rip the band-aid off and figure this shit out. It wasn't too dissimilar to the first time I decided to try eggs, but that's a different and much stupider story for a different time. I did the tutorial in Clubhouse Games, looked up some more basics and advice because the tutorial wasn't super amazing, and I kept playing while being aided by the game's nice helper features like the button that pulls up recommended hands. I kept playing and... sorta got it. I learned the basic rules, but none of the strategy. And then I stopped playing for a few months.

In that few months, for whatever reason, a decent amount of people I know had their brains snap the same way? Like a more-than-two amount of people I'm either friends with or following online also decided to learn Mahjong. I decided to get back on the horse and downloaded Mahjong Soul and I don't know whether it was perseverance or the power of anime babes, but this time I got it. I still refer to a sheet with all the hands and whether they work open or closed, and I'm by no means a master player, but I actually honest to god understand what I'm doing and it's an incredible feeling.

Mahjong has such a huge amount of what I like to call "Get That Ass" energy. It is the energy you feel when you get someone's ass. In Mahjong you are either constantly getting someone's ass or getting your ass gotten. Someone puts down the wrong tile and you fucking GET THEIR ASS DUDE! They're got!! They're a fucking idiot that put down the wrong thing and now you have their points!!! Or you draw what you need yourself and you're a brain genius all according to plan and everyone gives you points because you're so wise!!!! It's great!!!!!

Mahjong has long been one of those games where I'd say "I'll learn this someday" and never reeeeally actually try to learn, and I'm so glad I finally took the effort to because it's good as hell. And, truth be told, it wasn't THAT hard to learn? Like you can get to the point where I was where I didn't know the strategy fairly easily in my opinion, and once you do that It's just a matter of continuing to play to understand the rest. I highly recommended that you also go out and learn it if you similarly revel in getting that ass, it's so satisfying once you do.

Yakuza: Like a Dragon (PlayStation 4, 2020)

Ryu Ga Gotoku Studio took a big gamble with Yakuza: Like a Dragon. After seven games (more if you take spinoffs and remakes into consideration) they decided to focus on a new main character and, even more unexpectedly, they decided to change things up by turning the series into a turn-based JRPG. Their gamble paid off in spades. This is easily in my top 3 favorite Yakuza games.

The JRPG gameplay is surprisingly solid. There's definite room for improvement, but they nailed a bunch of it right out of the gate. Some mechanics are a little janky and I wish the job system was more fleshed out or just worked more like Final Fantasy V's, but they nailed one of the most important things and made the battles brisk and fun. It's a great foundation, especially for a team that's never attempted anything like this, and it's way more fun than the combat's been in any of the previous Dragon Engine games. I can't wait to see them iterate on it.

Everything else is top fuckin' notch. The music is great, the side content is fully fleshed out in a way it hasn't been since before they switched to the Dragon Engine, and I love the characters and story so much. Yakuza has a new main character in Ichiban Kasuga, and he's my son and I love him. Kiryu was great, and I love him too, but he was a bit of a passive protagonist. Stuff happened around him and he mostly just stoically reacted to it. Ichi is a much more active lead and it's great. He's a big lovable dope, and his tendency to keep an upbeat attitude and eagerness to leap into action is such a breath of fresh air. And it's not only Ichiban, since this is an RPG you have a whole party of characters and they're all great! Having them with you at all times bantering with each other and reacting to things is another great change of narrative pace, too. 

Yakuza: Like a Dragon just straight up rules. As someone who has historically not been too much of a fan of the Dragon Engine games, it's simultaneously a refreshing new take on the series and a fantastic return to form. I can't wait for what comes next. Wherever Ichiban goes, I go.

Moon: Remix RPG Adventure (Nintendo Switch, 2020)

After 23 years of Japanese PS1 exclusivity, Moon: Remix RPG Adventure finally got an English release this year for Nintendo Switch. I'm glad it did, because Moon isn't just the very definition of A Sebmal Game. It's the Sebmal Game missing link. In addition to being just a great video game, it helped me make a mental throughline for a bunch of games I love and a large part of my taste in video games.

To keep a long story short (seriously, I have a much much longer version of this saved in my drafts that I'll maybe finish someday), Moon turned out to be not the JRPG I assumed it was, given the title and basic story pitch, but a secret prequel to a game I love named Chulip. Moon's developer, Love-de-Lic, was formed by a handful of ex-Squaresoft employees, many of which worked on an extremely formative game I love named Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars. Love-de-Lic broke up in the year 2000 and its staff went on to form a bunch of different studios that ended up making a BUNCH of different games I love like Chibi-Robo, Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland, Dandy Dungeon, and the aforementioned Chulip. These games, when you make the connection and line them up, all have a very distinct weirdness in common that makes perfect sense once you've realized many of the same people worked on them. Figuring this all out felt like snapping a piece of my brain back in place, and it was really crazy to come to understand exactly how much this studio that formed and disbanded decades before I'd even heard of them had impacted my tastes and, hell, my life.

So what is Moon, for those who don't innately understand what I mean by "a secret prequel to Chulip"? Moon is an adventure game where you explore a world with a day/night cycle, learn about that world's inhabitants, and eventually solve their problems. Think of it kind of like The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, but if the sidequests were the entirety of the focus with no Groundhog Day time reset mechanic and none of the Zelda stuff like combat and dungeons. You play as a young boy who, after a late night JRPG binge session, is sucked into the world of the game he was just playing. Everything is off from the way it was portrayed while the boy was playing the game, though. The hero he had previously controlled is actually a silent menace, raiding peoples' houses for treasure and slaughtering every innocent animal that crosses his path in an endless quest for EXP. The townspeople seem more concerned with problems in their day-to-day lives than the supposed world threatening crisis outlined in the game's intro. It's up to you as the boy to investigate this world's mysteries, help the townsfolk, mend the damage the hero has done, and eventually restore love to a loveless world.

Speaking of love, I fucking loved Moon. I loved the story, I loved the characters, I loved the music, I loved the way it looks (even though the Switch port is a little crusty in that basic emulator-y kinda way), I loved how constantly bizarre and surprising and funny it was. Like I said earlier, it's the very definition of a game made for me. It was essentially the progenitor of a long line of games made for me, and of games potentially made for me but I don't know yet because I haven't played them due to not understanding Japanese (UFO: A Day in the Life translation next please? Anyone from Onion Games reading this??). For as similar as Moon and Chulip are in their systems and pacing, I think I might actually like Moon better despite it coming earlier? It's not as full force maximum impact absurd as Chulip is, but it is a lot more playable and less obtuse once you get a grip on the time limit mechanic. You don't need a full strategy guide included in the instruction manual for Moon, and you don't need to exchange business cards with every single character to get information vital to finishing the game either.

I truly cannot recommend Moon enough if your taste in games ventures anywhere off the beaten path. Maybe this is a little conceited of me, but I assume if you're reading this article, let alone this far down into it, you relate to my video game opinions at least a little bit? You should play Moon. Everyone reading this sentence should play Moon. Moon: Remix RPG Adventure is my game of the year for the year 2020.

These games were also cool, I just had less to say about them:

Death Stranding (PlayStation 4, 2019): Death Stranding, much like Metal Gear Solid V, was a game I enjoyed for the gameplay and not much else. The story, characters, and writing were a huge disappointment for me, but man if I didn't enjoy lugging those boxes around and setting up my hellish cross-continental goon summer camp lookin' zipline network. Mr. Driller Drill Land (Nintendo Switch, 2020): I am a known Mr. Driller Enjoyer, and I enjoyed this Mr. Driller. Originally released for the Gamecube, Mr. Driller Drill Land is another long-time Japanese exclusive that finally came stateside this year and it's packed with new and novel twists on the Mr. Driller format. It looks super sharp, the music's great (also the credits music is the most impossibly out of place and extra as hell shit in the world and it's hilarious), and it's just a good ass time. The main campaign is pretty damn short, but if you're a post-game content kinda guy it has that and it's all super hard. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 1+2 (PlayStation 4, 2020): They finally made another good new Tony Hawk game, and all it took was perfectly remaking two of the best old Tony Hawk games! Plays exactly like you remember it with the added benefit of the best mechanics from up to THUG1, looks great, packed full of content, even has most of the music alongside some mostly crappy new stuff. It's the full package as is, but I do hope they end up adding THPS3 to it eventually. Mad Rat Dead (Nintendo Switch, 2020): Mad Rat Dead was a pleasant surprise that I only picked up because I saw a couple of people on my Twitter timeline constantly talking about it. A fun and inventive platformer where all your actions need to be on beat with the music. The gameplay feels great (aside from some not so great performance issues on Switch), the soundtrack is fun, and it's got a real good style to it. Demon's Souls (PlayStation 5, 2020): I love Demon's Souls and this is Demon's Souls. It plays exactly the same with some minor quality of life changes. I don't agree with many of the artistic changes, but there's no denying it looks incredible on a technical level. If you want to play Demon's Souls again or for the first time, this is a perfectly valid and fun way to do so. Groove Coaster: Wai Wai Party!!!! (Nintendo Switch, 2019): Groove Coaster is one of my favorite rhythm games, and they finally made an acceptable at-home version with Wai Wai Party. It's not a perfect replication of the arcade game control-wise, I have some issues with the song choices, and the pricing is frankly fucking ridiculous if you're not a Groove Coaster maniac like I am, but the same ultra satisfying gameplay is all there. You can even play it vertically in handheld mode! Flip Griiiiiiiip!

And we're done! Phew! Honestly didn't realize I played that many good games until I typed all this out. Thanks as always for reading this far. I'm gonna try and get back to regularly posting Breviews this year at the very least. Honestly don't know if I'll get anything else up on here, but we'll see. Here's to hoping 2021 is a little bit less of a nightmare!

[pocket-clown]

A Mutual Confession | Arthur Fleck x reader // pure fluff

// original request: Hi!!! I have request that Arthur and Reader met before when he was younger and they fall in love but don’t say that to each other and she needs to move from Gotham. When she came back, they met again for accident and they say everything to theirself!!! This will be pleasure to read! Thank you!!! 😇🥰

Thank you, @pomozmi-zamknacoczy​ for the request! and I cannot stress it enough how appreciative I am of your patience. This took me much longer than it should’ve to get done, and I cannot thank everyone enough for being patient with me. I’m sorry for the recent lack of content.

Summary: Regardless of how long you spent thinking it wouldn’t happen, a move back to Gotham was inevitable. An onslaught of new employees at your place of work led to hours being cut and positions lost, and so you needed to take a transfer back to Gotham save your only means of income, and had it not been for the meager hope that Arthur was still somewhere in the city, you would’ve lacked much drive at all to return. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they’ve always said - so when you manage to accidentally run into him on the street one day, within the following days you waste no time in making your feelings known.

Words: 5,458

Eight days had passed since you ran into Arthur, and each day that passed without him felt excruciating.

You were only a week into the third month of your move back to Gotham, and readjusting was hard. What was once the city that you used to consider something akin to home had changed so much that you couldn’t help but bemusedly wonder if you should consider yourself a total newcomer to it, as opposed to someone who was returning after some time away. Sections of the city had been so affected by the economic unrest that they were left almost unrecognizable because of it; with the ongoing garbage strike that resulted in piles of trash littering the streets, how many of the shops and markets you used to frequent had closed down, and the frequency at which you were awoken almost nightly by a cacophony of gunshots, shouting, and sirens, it was almost as if you were in an entirely different environment than the one you had grown up in.

Your move from Gotham all those years ago was majorly due to this impending decline; opportunity had risen elsewhere, and your family had been so desperate to escape Gotham’s downward spiral that they seized it the second it reared its head, and you were given less than a week to prepare for the move. Said week was spent packing your belongings and tying up any loose ends with school and work, but the inconveniences of that paled in comparison to how much it hurt having to say goodbye to Arthur. It was a hasty and melancholic goodbye, and since your last words spoken to him had you sworn to yourself that you’d return to Gotham someday - though the more you heard about how poorly it was doing and then actually experiencing it yourself, the more you almost began to doubt that decision. 

Soon, though, did you realize that had it not been for making the very decision you were beginning to regret, then you would’ve missed the opportunity at reconnecting with Arthur. 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they’ve always said - and in your time away from the city did you grow to miss him and his presence more and more, and the hollow they once filled now had an ache that grew as time went on and you were left without any sort of contact with him. He’d been your only legitimate friend all those years ago, and dare you say that you had developed a crush on the older man. The slight age gap meant very little to you as he’d never been anything but kind to you in all the time that you’d known him, and the warmth of his presence alone had made you feel safe and at home in a city that was, more often than not, the exact opposite. He made you feel like you had a place - and that feeling was hard to come by in the world, especially in a city such as Gotham. 

A portion of your younger years with him had been spent sharing your hopes, dreams, fears, and desires for the future with each other; both of you working on figuring out just where your respective places in the world were, and Arthur had let you in on his belief that he was destined for a life outside of Gotham, far away in sunny California. While whatever it was in California that Arthur longed for you were unsure of, you knew that it had to be better than what even the best of Gotham had to offer, and so you had encouraged him to chase his faraway dreams - but deep down, then and now, you knew it wasn’t really realistic. Money had always, always been tight for him and his mother (and, really, everyone in Gotham), and so you knew that the probability of him still being in the city was much higher than it was for anything else.

- And, as guilty as it made you feel to admit, part of you hoped that he never left. Had it not been for the meager hope that you may run into him one day, you might’ve just rolled up into a ball and died by the second week of being back.

Initially, your return to Gotham was greeted with nothing but the cold apathy that the city was infamous for, and very quickly did what little liveliness you had left in you get beaten into the ground. Not only were you fed up with how rude people were, but as time went on, your mind became far too preoccupied with matters regarding work and other responsibilities to have room for much else, and in that did Arthur go from dominating the majority of your attention to dwindling to only fleeting thoughts that came late at night when trying to fall asleep, or when something reminded you of him in one way or another. It was a reality that you hated to accept given the fact that the thought of his name alone brought so much comfort to you - but you knew that the chances of ever running into him were one in a literal ten million. 

In a way, you felt pathetic because of how much you hoped - how much you almost expected - to just coincidentally run into him one day, and by the beginning of the third month that hope began to falter, and soon you began trying to forget about the whole thing.

Or, you tried to forget about it until it actually happened one evening while you were on your way home from an appointment.

You had been so preoccupied with fiddling with the zipper of your jacket that you failed to realize how quickly you were approaching a crosswalk, and had it not been for a stranger literally sticking their arm out in front of you to stop you, you would’ve walked right into the oncoming traffic.

It was an action that initially scared you, and at first you thought that someone was trying to get handsy with you or mug you - but when you heard the blaring of a car horn and your eyes looked up to meet those of the angry driver as they sped off did you realize what had happened, and immediately you felt the heat of shame fill you, embarrassed of how oblivious you had been. 

Though it took you a moment to regain yourself, once you turned your attention to the stranger to thank them did you realize that they weren’t actually a stranger; the beige hoodie that hung from him, the way his dark eyebrows were knit with concern, and how he uneasy he seemed under your gaze - it hit you like that taxi would’ve, had it not been for him.

“Wait - Arthur?”

Rather than give any sort of answer or confirm your inquiry, he instead opted to stare at you; his eyes unblinking as you could almost see the gears turning in his head as he tried to decipher what exactly it was that was going on, evidently confused by how someone on the street knew his name. 

“It’s me - Y/N. You know, from…?” You gestured vaguely as you spoke, hoping you’d be able to prompt any sort of recollection that may help him remember. You also hoped that you weren’t making a fool out of yourself by talking to a complete stranger and assuming that they knew who you were, based solely on the fact they just so happened to look exactly like an aged version of your friend from long ago.

Though it took a moment for what you said to sink in, like a light bulb switching on did you see his eyes brighten, the smile that slowly spread across his face lighting up his fatigued features. “Yeah - Yes! It’s been -”

“Way too long - like seven years, I think?” 

The conversation began to flow so easily from there that It felt as if you had never even left in the first place. As you walked with him, with what time you had before your eventual split up did you catch each other up on any and all happenings in your lives that were worth mentioning; you learned that he still lived with his mother (something he admitted quite sheepishly, though you were quick to assure him that if anything, it was sweet that he made that sacrifice to take care of her), and you told him about how the entire reason you were even back in Gotham was because of a mess at your old job, needing to take a transfer or else you’d risk losing your only means of income - choosing to omit the part about how half of why you came back was based on the hope that you’d find him again.

Each time he spoke your name, each time your arm accidentally brushed against his, each and every little action from him - the more the two of you spoke, the more did those feelings that had been lying dormant for all those years wake up; how happy even just hearing his voice made you, the way his occasional, brief glances at you made it feel as if someone set fireworks off inside of you, how your heart skipped a beat each and every time he said your name, how good it felt to hear him laugh - you’d forgotten how at peace he made you feel.

Not only that, but you’d forgotten how much you loved him.

The realization of your feelings was one that flustered you enough that you almost tripped over a bump in the sidewalk, though luckily you were able to catch yourself and brush off Arthur’s concern with an awkward laugh of “Oh, looks like I almost fell for you, haha!”, a statement you immediately regret due to how unintentionally bold it was. Fortunately though, his concern regarding your stumble seemed to keep him distracted from how flirtatious your statement was, and the incident was forgotten within a matter of seconds, after he asked you once more if you were sure you were okay. 

It wasn’t until you were about halfway to your apartment that Arthur pulled out a pack of cigarettes, signaling that your chat would be coming to an end soon as the two of you needed to go your separate ways. You used to always chastise him - playfully, of course - for his habit of smoking, and the fact that even all these years later he remembered your dislike of it and so waited until you wouldn’t be near to smoke made your heart melt. He’d always been one of the most considerate people you’d ever known, always putting the comfort of you or his mother over that of his own and while it was a fact that while broke your heart, it warmed the broken pieces nonetheless. 

You had to insist about four times that it wasn’t necessary for him to walk you all the way back to your apartment (an offer that hurt to refuse, given that you wanted nothing more to spend every second possible with him), and as the two of you were about to say your goodbyes did you remember that you had stuffed a scrap of receipt in your pocket days ago. With what was most likely all of the luck that you’d be allowed for the rest of the month did you also find a pen shoved in the opposite pocket, and so by hitching your leg up just enough so you could use your thigh as a solid surface, you scribbled your phone number down onto the receipt - triple checking that you got it right, lest you accidentally manage to give him the wrong number and then never hear from him.

“Hey, Art,” You said, the nickname you’d given him all those years ago catching his full attention. “I work every day this week, but I’m always home by 6 - would you maybe want to give me a call sometime? -”

Arthur practically snatched the note from you, his shout of “YES!” earning some sharp glares from those around you, but his eagerness was endearing enough that neither of you minded, and you found yourself actually laughing at how he so happily accepted your invitation. It was evident, at least now, that the excitement of the reunion was shared, and while the relief it left you with was calming, you couldn’t help but feel a bit uncertain - how were things going to progress between the two of you? Would you be able to be friends just like you had been all those years ago, or now that you were adults with separate lives and responsibilities would you be limited to only brief, occasional meetups? Of course the latter was better than nothing at all, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t disappointing.

“You’re sure you don’t need me to walk you home…?” He asked as he tucked your number away into the pocket of his trousers, his eyes not leaving yours. “I wouldn’t mind - just so you get back safely.” 

“I promise, cross my heart, that I’ll be alright, okay? And besides, the morning news said it was going to rain tonight, and you’d have to walk all the way back to your apartment in it.” Though you could tell that your reassurance really didn’t do much, Arthur seemed to accept it with a solemn nod. “I promise I’ll be alright - and please, use my number whenever! I’ll see you around, okay?” 

And with a wave you were off, and had it not been for you looking both ways before crossing the intersection would you have seen how intently Arthur watched you as you left, before he turned and went off in his direction, his posture a bit straighter, a smile on his face.

And so, a routine started. 

Each day, after work, you would forgo any and all other plans you may have had in favor of making sure you were home by 6 the latest so there was no risk of missing a call from Arthur. Your days were practically planned around the anticipated phone call, and you found yourself unable to keep your mind off of it nor him regardless of how swamped you were at work. It was very much like the expectancy you had prior in regards to meeting him again, and it was exciting. 

… But days passed, and a call never came. 

It had been over a week since you’d run into him - eight days exactly - and while you told yourself that he was probably just busy with work, with his mother, with errands, with whatever it was that Arthur Fleck had going on in his life - the doubt always managed to creep in, and you were left wondering if maybe he forgot to call - or if he even had the intention of following through at all. You felt guilty for worrying about such a thing, and so you’d try to keep yourself preoccupied; tidying up your small apartment, doing the dishes, watching television, reading, anything at all to keep your mind off of how much time was passing by without your phone ringing. 

But the longer it went without doing so, the more did the question of whether you’d ever hear from him grow, and a nagging voice in the back of your mind spoke up, saying that maybe he did forget, or maybe he just didn’t want to talk to you, or he might not want to be friends anymore -

And you flew off the couch the second you heard your phone ring at about 6:43pm one Tuesday evening. You barely managed to keep yourself from tripping over the frayed edge of your carpet as you rushed to the kitchenette, trying to steady your breathing as you picked up the receiver. 

“Hello?”

…

Silence. 

Nothing. 

No speaking, not even any breathing could be heard on the other end - nothing but a complete, deafening silence. 

Go figure. Telemarketer? Prank call, maybe?

“Hello?” Now you were annoyed, and after a few seconds without a response you were about to slam the phone back down, but then you heard it.

“H-Hey..” A timid, quiet response.

“Arthur? I could barely hear you!” With a sigh of relief did it feel as if a weight lifted off of your shoulders, and you couldn’t help but smile at your own so silly stupidness for getting so worked up over not getting a call from him immediately. You knew that in time, at his own pace, would he call, and that you just needed to be patient. “How’ve you been? I was wondering when you’d call.”

Arthur, apparently, was having a hard time getting over the fact that not only did you two run into each other for the first time in almost a decade, but that you wanted to talk and gave him your number, and as a result of his disbelief he became far too shy to call you immediately. It made sense now, given how you knew what Arthur was like, just like you knew a good deal about what he’s been through; his need for reassurance was just a part of him, and if insisting that yes, you did, in fact, mean to give him your number and that yes, you did, in fact, want to talk to him was needed to calm him down, then you had absolutely no problem with giving it to him as much as he needed, so important was his comfort to you.

It became increasingly difficult for you to contain your nerves and bite your tongue to keep yourself from accidentally outing yourself and your feelings as the conversation went on; each time he laughed, each time he expressed any sort of interest in what you were doing, wanted to know how you were, caught you up on any matters pertaining to his life that he felt comfortable with sharing - even just the cadence of his voice as he spoke and how softly he hummed your name made your heart flutter and your stomach fill with the restless frenzy of butterflies as those feelings that had been lying dormant for so long awoke. You could listen to him speak for hours - he could read a phone book aloud to you, and it would capture your attention for however long it took for him to finish. 

He’d asked you about your job as a bank teller as you’d told him a bit about it during your walk, and despite your joking remark about how glamorous it was, he listened to intently as you spoke about the ups and downs of it; asking you to elaborate on odd aspects of it and expressing sympathy when you went into how you almost lost it due to an onslaught of new employees and had to transfer back to Gotham. The topic involving employment piqued your curiosity regarding Arthur, and so you asked him about it - smiling to yourself as he went on about how he was actually a party clown, who one day most definitely would make it as a stand up comedian. Arthur had always, always expressed a desire to make others happy, to spread joy and laughter to a world that so needed it, so just hearing that he was still pursuing at least one of his dreams filled you with such giddiness that the smile that grew on your face made your cheeks ache. 

The more he went on though, through his tone and the way he spoke about certain things was enough to clue you in that he was still struggling with finding his footing, finding his place in the world. He’d always felt, always had been, somewhat out of step with the rest of the world, and you knew that he so desperately sought connection with others, but rarely ever found it - at least, nothing positive. You knew that more than anything, Arthur needed someone there for him, and you had a feeling that he really didn’t have many resources at his disposal. Funding was being cut all across the city, and so many people had begun to lose their only means of help, and while he had his mother, she had never actually been there for him, never really physically, nor mentally. You saw it every now and then when you were younger, and just judging by how he still lived with her because she was too unwell to live on her own told you that he probably never had been able to escape and pursue any of what he really wanted to. 

More than anything, regardless of what relationship the two of you would end up having, did you want to be there for him in any way that you possibly could, and the longer the conversation went on the more melancholic and regretful for not keeping contact with him for all those years did you become.

It wasn’t until it was nearly 8pm that you realized how tired you had become, and with a lull in the conversation did you find yourself feeling a bit more bold than you had previously, your fatigue causing you to let your walls down ever so slightly.

“Hey, Arthur?” 

He must’ve been tired as well, his fatigue given away by the languid “Hm?” he hummed in response, and before you could stop yourself, you blurt out a question - one asking him not if he missed you, but rather how much he had. 

It was something you felt silly and almost a bit selfish for asking - part of you even felt stupid for assuming that he had at all - but then again, hadn’t he already said that he did? Surely there was no harm in asking, and you could only assume that he had missed you given how eager he was to accept your invitation for a call, but it was your turn for needing some of that reassurance that you had given him prior.

“How… much did you miss me?” You tried to play your question off nonchalantly as if it were just a teasing, playful musing, but seconds after asking it did you find yourself worrying your bottom lip as you waited for his response. You knew it was a dumb question that was foolish to ask, but the part of you that so longed to feel needed by the same man you spent so long missing completely overrode the part of you that told you to stay hushed about it.

The other line went dead silent in response to your question, and mentally did you berate yourself for asking such a fucking stupid thing. How was he even supposed to answer that? You put him on the spot without any warning, and you knew that he wasn’t good with that sort of thing -

“A lot…” Arthur said after a moment, his voice so hushed that for a second you thought that in your hope for your feelings to be mutual that you imagined it. “A lot - and when I saw you on the street, I honestly didn’t think you were even real,” He laughed dryly at this, though it was void of any humor. “Why did you move back to such an awful city?” 

“To find you, Art,” Though you felt that that admission was a bit trite with how cliche it was, it was true. Had it not been for the possibility of meeting up with him, you would’ve lacked much, if any at all, motivation to make the move back, even with the threat of losing your job. “I’ve spent so long - so long missing you, and then I started remembering everything about how I felt about you back then, I got excited and happy to see you, and then I just -” 

You paused, taking a deep breath. 

“God, Arthur - I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’m in love with you.” There was no going back after this, and so not even giving him a chance to respond did you continue your rambling; “I don’t even know, I felt it back then, and then I thought I was over it, but then we met again and it all came back so quickly and now I just - want you to know about it.”

Your voice trailed off, and you felt yourself holding your breath. You knew you had said too much too fast for him - and to be entirely honest, if you were in his spot then you probably would’ve slammed the phone down because of how absolutely overwhelming the sudden barrage of information and feelings that were poured out undoubtedly was, but deep down you hypocritically prayed that he wouldn’t respond that way. Arthur could be a particularly complex person to read, and while that was something you liked about him to a degree, it made situations like this tougher at the same time. 

Your feelings were so incredibly conflicted, as a handful of actions from him gave the indication that he might’ve felt the same way; that soft hum his voice had every time he spoke your name, how when you were walking with him the other night he always smiled at you when you even so much as glanced at him, the fact that he had been so eager to accept your number - but at the same time, you knew that Arthur spent most of his time alone or with his mother, having little, if any at all, genuine contact with others. There was a very good chance that he had platonic - and only platonic feelings for you - and that each and every sign that you thought carried the connotation that he liked you more than such was just him being excited to just have a friend again. 

Of course, you prayed that your admittance of feelings for him didn’t sully your friendship, as well. Humiliating as it would be, you could deal with the rejection and still feel nothing but fondness for the man and the desire to remain friends - but did he feel the same way, too? Would knowing that you were in love with him, as you had put it, make him uncomfortable with you? Would it be far too awkward to continue speaking? He was a grown man, so surely he’s had his eye on someone after all of this time - but the thought of it being anyone but you made your heart sink into your stomach where it settled into a sour pit of dejection. It hurt, but the more you thought about it did you accept it - as long as he was happy, could you live with whatever the outcome was - and with that acceptance did you patiently await his response. 

After a moment, what sounded like a sniffle came from him first, and then the words that could’ve broken your heart;

“I don’t think you really mean that, Y/N - you can’t, there’s no way -” 

He sounded heartbroken as he spoke, his voice so unsure that it sounded as if he expected this to be nothing but some sort of cruel, absurd prank being played on him. 

“Arthur, what? No - I do mean it, and I mean that. What would I gain from lying? - No, why would I do that to you? You’re the only good thing about this damn city, and I have no reason to lie about this.” Whether or not your statement was any reassurance to him you had no clue, but you couldn’t help but regret how completely inappropriate it was for you to suddenly blurt out such a heavy confession to him at such random notice. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have -”

“No! No, don’t apologize, please,” His voice had a sort of hushed, yet frantic undertone to it - Penny was probably near, and the last thing either of you needed was for her to overhear. “I just don’t get it - why me of all people?”

“Because you’re you, Art,” You whispered, hopefully loud enough for him to hear. “I’ve kind of always had a feeling ever since we first met, but I don’t know. I guess I was just scared back then and I knew you didn’t - and probably still don’t - feel the same way, so I just… never thought I should mention it.” 

Once again did he go silent, and you debated on just bidding him a quick goodnight so you could hang up and sulk in the utter humiliation of what was undoubtedly a rejection, but you respected both Arthur and yourself too much to do such a thing. You were fully prepared to apologize once again, your mind running a million miles for each second that ticked by without any sort of response, and just as you were about to ask if he was still there did you hear him take a short breath.

“What if…,” He paused for a second, taking another shaky breath. “I said that I did feel the same way…?” 

What?

Your breath hitched, and had it not been for feeling its pulse as it pounded away in your chest, you would’ve thought that your heart had stopped from the shock. 

“Wait - What. What do you mean?”

“You know, Y/N… That I like you - too, in that way.” 

“Arthur - do you actually mean that?”

“Y/N, what would I get from lying?” His voice was teasing, yet gentle as he tried to reassure you the same way you had done for him when he asked you the same thing prior. 

You knew that Arthur wouldn’t be bold enough to outright say it if he loved you like you did him at the moment, and part of you didn’t even believe that your feelings were reciprocated, so full of self doubt and insecurities were you. That part of you thought that he just didn’t know how to let you down without hurting you, but at the same time, the other part of you so desperately wanted to believe that it was true - and that was the part you were inclined to go along with.

“Hey, Art - I have this weekend off, and if you do too, maybe just you and I could… go do something…?” 

“Yes - yes! What would you -? ” 

“There’s a discount theater about halfway between my place and where we split up, so we could go see whatever’s playing there - I think it’s a Chaplin film, and you still like those, right?”

One of Arthur’s long time favorites; he’d always had a soft spot in his heart for Charlie Chaplin, and so it made sense that your first date (if you could be so bold as to call it that) would be seeing one - one that, ironically enough, was City Lights as you saw the marquee above the doors advertising on your way home from work earlier that day. 

He didn’t even need to actually answer your invitation for you to know that it was a resounding yes, the smile that was undoubtedly on his face audible through his voice as he confirmed that he did, in fact, still like them. With a plan in place - Saturday, 6:30pm, 9th Ave - did you bid each other goodnight, the giddiness in your voices not going unnoticed by the other. 

From the kitchen to the couch did it feel as if you were floating on whatever the earthly equivalent to cloud nine was, and with a lack of grace did you flop down into the spot you had been sitting previously. The television drawled on in the background, and the grin that spread across your face showed no signs of letting up any time soon, but you cared little for how much your face was beginning to ache from it. Instead, as you tipped your head back did tears of pure happiness flood your eyes, threatening to spill over and blur your vision. 

How nice it felt to be liked, to be wanted, to maybe even be loved in return by the same person that you had spent so long longing for. You couldn’t help but wonder how long exactly Arthur had gone feeling the same way; had he always felt it, like you had? Or was it a recent realization, one that sprung up when you two spoke again the other day? You’d have to ask him about it whenever the opportunity came up, but until your weekend rendezvous could you subsist on just your ponderings and fantasies about what the two of you could get up to, knowing that regardless of how it went, as long as you had Arthur by your side, would you be okay.

You would be okay - because while Gotham was different, it was home, especially now that you had Arthur again.

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